Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #324 - Jerry Rocha

Episode Date: October 9, 2015

Jerry Rocha, Comedian, who's comedy special "Gentleman Jerry Rocha," debuts on Fuse TV October 17th at 10 pm., joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 10/08/2015.   Music:   Drake - Started From The Bottom The Spencer Davis Group - Gimme Some Lovin' Motley Crue - Looks That Kill  

Let's go with this show is brought to you by meet on these calm go to me on these calm slash Joey To get 20% off of your to get 20% off of your order of great men's and women's t-shirts Underwear socks all of the red products are made with Modal fabric go to me on these calm slash Joey And you're gonna get 20% off of your order with free shipping in the United States in Canada Go to on it.com and use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products Alphabrain new moon shumtach immune shumtach sport. They have strong bone go to on it.com And use code word church to get 10% off and don't forget go to nailed it life calm What's so fine stop? What's with the giggles?

Go to nail the life calm use covered Joey Diaz to get 20% off the premier vapor print on the market They gave me a dab on Tuesday. They're really cool guys Go to nail the life calm use covered Joey Diaz. They all saw the makers of those Gumi's hermonos, but you have to live in, California Started oh shit Started from the bottom now we're Jerry Roach in the house We started from the bottom now the whole team here nigga started from the bottom now we Start it from the bottom now my old are you fucking kidding me or what? Started from the bottom now the whole team fucking here. I didn't keep you real from the jump

Living at my mama. I'll see dog you every Monday. I was trying to get it on my own Working out night traffic on the way October 8 motherfuckers I gave you the keys so you bring it right back What the fuck you bad motherfuckers Jerry LaRocca in the house My main man Lisa I at as red with his little fucking Shirk night shirt on his forehead is matching the redness Like you just put all I didn't even I see the mistake I make is is a taking things from you and be

You're like the master you like place the alpha brain but also couldn't see how much hash you put in there You put like a whole chunk of hash The problem with this hash was who this used to be wax So I didn't have any place to put this Lebanese hash I put in this wax thing and the wax absorbed the hash absorbed the wax this is death People tell me this fucking recipe right here Start about a bottom now we're here. What the fuck? Thursday night the 8th of September Jerry LaRocca making it happen. What's happening got his new fucking special coming on on fuse TV. Yeah

Thanks, first make you a little fucking nerdy dude. I'm still getting Chinese food scared to eat the fortune cookie You wouldn't even fortune cookie. It's a joke. Yeah Everything this fucking guy me and him were partners and all the Chinese buffet. It was the best That's all we always do a fucking wake-up go get any time we'd work. We'd always he tell me there's a Chinese They don't have them out here. I love Chinese super face. They don't have it. Is there one? I don't know any california these people too healthy. Yeah, it's a problem. That's the problem. They're too healthy They never fucking do it. They're too sexes have some wild as shit to Texas can have there's a place in Texas called Either Alibaba or Tara one of the same owners. It's Middle Eastern food buffet

They have buffets for everything and it's the fucking best shit the best hummus. You'll ever have the best Let's stop right there, right? Don't come on the show to go my hummus You show up looking like Lenin after he came back from India with bracelets and fucking Turbines on your head. Now you want to fucking insult me Middle Eastern fucking Unbelievable Do they do you have them when you were growing up or they knew because I Chinese buffets like how they were all over Texas now as a kid really fucking all over Dallas. It was amazing There's something that was a great one. I never heard of a Chinese buffet till

1979 somebody told me that the Maikai on Kennedy Boulevard was a Chinese buffet and that they put the ribs up And I went there one time and it was fucking brilliant And I kept going back and the thing was to go there before the giant came like that was right in thing People were going to other bars me and this little crowd Which even if we didn't go to giant game we'd meet there cuz somebody always going to giant game and it was kind of empty It was close to a church, but everybody would go to the other who the fuck wants to eat Polynesian food on Sunday 11 30 But I'm one of the funniest times

I know my friend tell me listen to this it was with his brother and I've said this story on the podcast I mean we you know you start going to the power when you're fucking 15 and you're going to a Polynesian Chinese place you go in there you get high and you bust away this ball They fucking hate us. They fucking hate Lee. They fucking hate it. What did you do to them? Everything you could imagine. I remember one time we picked up the tray of spare ribs We're like, why are we gonna walk back and forth? This is a waste of time We're gonna kill these things because their mistake was they took really good sparrows and cut them in half Like a big bone in the very bone and they make cut them in half

So you have these 52 of them to get 26 of them. You know I would eat 20 fucking nine of them in those days I didn't do a fuck about my heart. I'm doing blow three days. I see a stack of ribs. They're going down Rice that everything all that Polynesians. It's Chinese Polynesian same shit You know that they have all the fucking things with the red sauces, which I stayed a fuck away from me too I avoid that shit like the plague with the red sauce, you know like that shit you dip in like the People get that fried stuff. Oh Is that what they brought me at that Chinese food place? We went to at the South Point like it was it wasn't duck sauce It was supposed to be like duck sauce, right?

If you're out of New York, yeah, if you're out of New York, New Jersey or Boston, you never order duck sauce They're not gonna give it to you I see I think you can't order what they think duck sauce is Completely different things is a complete fucking different thing the worst one for me is the mustard. There's almost no places you can go Yeah, they have the packages. Yeah, they have But listen, you're gonna put mustard on what a fucking dumpling or a spare rib I really had golden chopsticks is all right down there in North Hollywood right there by me I told you I wouldn't have one night

It was okay. Yeah, I don't even know what to get. What do you get? I always get the chicken broccoli with the chicken fried rice combo. It's tremendous. That's really really good stuff You live down by there. Yeah, well, I live right on the corner Yeah, cuz I live down right there, too There's one I like I haven't been to golden chopsticks, but there's one called China light China lights is good Yeah, yeah, that's one by your house. I mean yeah Yeah, the Cuban place is right. There's even worse. Is it really? Oh, you know, it's good though Was that teatye, which is right there? I want that is really good and then noodle monster is pretty fucking good, too

That's what's noodle monster. It's Chinese and Vietnamese and Thai it's like a fusion, but it's good. It's all right. It's okay. There's some I ain't walking in there It's too many countries You know, it's good that sushi place is fucking great Maya sushi or whatever. That's good shit there That's that's the He gave me edibles one said it were stronger than anything I'd ever had and I puked on that But I made the mistake of telling them that I had sushi for dinner So now he calls that sushi place

Oh I haven't been able to go in since it's been like eight months. I like so good, but now I just associate it with puking That wasn't the last time I was in Vegas I was like I didn't I hate being like on the strip after enough times I'm like so I went just walking to this Chinese food restaurant That was like I'm like, I don't know a little bit outside the strip. It was the weirdest place I've ever been through They just had Trays that were filled with food that they would just circle around the whole restaurant and it got packed

That's dim sum, right? Yeah, and it rides and they you could just pick like I want that one Let me get that one. Let me get some of that Like and it was all kinds of different shit away from like normal shit to like chicken chow mein to like this weird squid shit Like it was they just it was just constant. It was like a fucking train like family stuff. Yeah, dude. It was badass That was nice. That was really good. There's some really great, you know, I mean, whatever you're into this Right, you find something I feel that taxes life even when we used to tour early on I'm talking I know you're 15 years. Yeah, man. This is 2000. No pass on 2000. I'll pass. Wow I remember you didn't let me go home too because remember I wanted to drive

I want to go home early that sunday morning or whenever monday morning and you we both were staying a little bit longer And a pink Floyd documentary came on vh1 and you're like, where are you going sit down like you're not going anywhere We're gonna watch this remember that it was great, man. Yeah, that was god that was that was two that that was when The old the second club he had remember that with the giant elevated stage. That's where that that's where we were That's it was across the street from the old. Yes the one that was I started in the old one That was the one I really enjoyed. Yeah, I heard that was everyone said that was still the best one That was still the best one. Have you been to his new club once? Yeah Where's the new one? When was the last time you were there? I went to the one that's kind of near the airport

Like in the middle of town kind of Like I think that where he helped with the other guy helped him open it that other comedian or whatever forgot the guy's name But like that's the one. It's uh, shit. It's a kind of nearly Trevino. He just taken it's right there And it's up the it's up the street kind of the airport. I don't know if he's moved it again But I think that was do you believe you shot your first special. That's so weird on television. That's so weird Who shot the special gave gave produced it. We went up to uh levy live at club in nyak up there and Yeah, he packed it out because he you know, he put his name all over Just such a huge help, you know, and so we just packed the place out with like a real crowd

You know, it was really awesome. And yeah, he just let me run. He goes dude Do your time do it just you guys we need at least an hour end up doing like about an hour and 20 So we'll see what it was really fun. You know in your comic people at home You know think you have an agent and a manager and you have all that stupidity But I gotta tell you guys 60% of the time. It's another comic. No, it's another comic. No question. And it's uh It's a really nice bond. Yeah, people say comedy is clicky and it is very cliche And you have to accept that but the clicks that up. What's your mind?

No, I just I that annoys me because offices are clicky. This is just your office Everywhere. Well, everything is clicky. Yeah, for sure. But like But joy what fascinates me is when you have comic, you know that right that most of the help you're gonna get is from another Comedian from so many you have comics that are assholes. I never understand that It's like dude. Why are you sitting here burning every fucking bridge when you know that, you know The 90% of your help is gonna come from your own peers, right? So why would you be such a prick to everybody? I never understood that. I never got that, you know, I never got it either. It's so weird. I never got it either I

Assume it's like a jealousy factor. It makes a little hatred like you confuse hatred with jealousy. Yeah. Yeah, that could happen It's amazing how something shows up disguised as something else Uh I don't know. It's just a lot of things, but I'm happy that You know Joe's helped me a lot. I understand what helped me a lot. You know nix wants and we saw nick at the thing the other day You know, you have all these people from different walks And then you have different people that have an opportunity to help you or something

And they don't I don't want comics. They'll listen to this going well What do I do latch on to a comic? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no That's actually a turnoff. You know, I was talking to a guy last week the guy I worked with in Toledo bo Bo said he opened up for uh What's his name the really educated black dude that's on the always on HBO on what's el show dl and dl told him once now when I'm on these coasts, you're working with me Right, and he goes, you know, two guys help me chappelle and dl hughley. You know, it's we work together. They dig you And uh, and I dig everybody I work with on the road. I tell them if you come to la, you know, look me up

There's nothing nothing nothing we could do for you. Right. Right. Right. That's what comics get to miss This is the misnomer that we're saying comics could help you But there's nothing a comic could do for you. Right. There's different levels in your career where a comic could come in and go Hey, come on the road. Sure. Sure. Great feature act right and from there you take off and everybody I know You know from josh wolf went on the road with the cable guy, you know, chelsea used to open up a david tell Yeah, you hear these stories. So I I never want people to think you you have to put the work in you do Yeah, and eventually somebody will Pick you up and go listen. Are you a regular at the store? You're not let me call down there for you

At least get your show. Yeah, man. It's the people come out and they're here for one day and go. Hey, I'm here What can you do for me? I can't do nothing. No, that's you have to go out for a couple months Get yourself a little name Get the store to pull you and then I'll give you the push you need right you're following me It's like when you're all over the hill and all sudden you're like fuck I'm not gonna make it and three quarter re can show up and push you over That's what this is. We just give you a little push right after you've done the work Yeah, that's the easiest way to say a lot of a lot of people show up and are just like, oh, remember that one time

When you you know, I'm here and I'm like, okay Well, you want to go have lunch and we can hang out for a little bit But that's all that really can happen, you know and that goes a long way sometimes too a lot of people don't understand Like it's it's it's nice to just be able to you know when you first come to a town I didn't want anyone to help me. It was just nice to go see somebody I knew for an hour You know what I mean and go have lunch go, you know, relax. That was great Yeah, you can't like what can we do right now? Like it's out here. It's like shit, man It's you know, again, it's like nobody's gonna take a chance on somebody who's never heard of no matter who's plugging them

No matter who's you know, they just don't have time for that out here. That's that's the thing but even if you could like At most you could like book a room But even if let's say you introduce them to an agent and let's say they start booking them everywhere For comics it Even if you get booked it doesn't mean you're gonna be funny like you can't it's I mean it There's so much you have to do that. So I took yeah like a lot of guys don't understand They'll have a friend who hits right you see that happen too

We're so much from you know, some guy from houston has a friend who just got a deal or a show So they'll come out here and think oh, okay. I'm I'm next right and it's like no dude like, you know, it's you have to Yeah, they just want to get lazy and just wait, you know, it's like you can't do that like You know, it's yeah, like you said, you don't want anyone to get the idea You have to latch on to anybody You shouldn't do that because a lot of comics can kind of smell that they can kind of smell the They do they smell that they want to guess that and then amen You know, if you want to take somebody on the road, right? I live in LA. I live in LA

I got 90 guys no question in front of me that need work. I just met you I you know, that's the other partner right there that I just met you. Yeah, I have 90 guys in front of me do what you're doing You know, do what the fuck you're doing keep doing what you're doing right and you're ready. I'm here Yeah, man, you know someday you come out to the store, but well, but you know our friend came out from Paduca George nice Spanish kid that I worked with in paduca And he sent me an email. I told him I said listen, bro. Here's the deal. You got to go out now And make a name amongst the comics. I mean you got to hit all these fucking dumb ass rooms Yeah, all these shitty fucking rooms and then somebody's gonna see you and go boom

We're gonna get you a spy of the improv and you and it becomes infectious Yeah, now you got to manage and now he calls the lab factory now you call me I could recommend you because they want somebody with a fucking manager, you know, this has become a bit This has become like an industry show now. Yeah, I grandfathered my way in but a lot of these guys They want you to have a manager and they want you to have an agent. They want you to have a booking agent No booking agent's gonna sign you when you're making 500 a week. No, that's 50 dollars a fucking week from you And you got to turn on the lights. I love it when features go. I need a booking agent. It's great The booking agent is you working with a headliner

Yeah, him booking you and then you and getting introduced to the clubs Giving them your best 20 minutes and let them bring you back to headline on wednesday and sunday next time you come back With the headliner and the next time you do it again next time you do it again. Now they give you fourth of july It's a dead weekend, but at least you got a fucking weekend on your on your way Now you got to get on twitter. Now you got to get on fucking facebook. It's the same thing. It's the same work process You know started from the bottom now. We're here. What the fuck Thursday night cock suck you got to keep working it. It's a thing man. And a lot of people don't it's comedy is one of those places where like How do it? It's almost like we're people move out here and it's like it's okay. It's it's like if I got a letter

from A loan company saying I've been pre approved for a $10,000 loan and I lose my shit and I'm like I did it That's how they act too when they move out here They act like they just got a letter in the mail saying they've been pre approved for a loan And they're like well here I am give me the loan and they're like no actually it's not like that You know like that's they don't read the fine print Now that that sort of if you did the chicago comedy festival right and dave becky walked up for you from three yards Right and he gives you a card and he goes as soon as you get to la call me

Then you fucking do then you move manana like there's no you go write the grandpa and you go those saving bonds Gotta go let's catch them motherfuckers in because I need to train to la motherfucker There's different situations. Yeah, and I when I when I talk about comedy I don't want to alienate people while people listen to this in their cubicles I just say any art Any art at all or do you want to be a job? Yeah, yes, sir. I was I talking to you on the phone I said so I was looking at somebody walking on stilts No, I don't think that dude that works at universal, but he's worried and he was telling me that now he trains people

Oh, yeah, wow You did that you were saying that I bumped into him I had to go get mercy. I mean my wife were coming. I'm like, I told my wife you play a lot of read today It was the last time you play a lot of read tickets. He goes never. I mean, let's play a pick six Right and went to that liquor store and some guy came out and I recognized my neighbor when we started talking And I go was that you want stilts before and he told me his whole career How long he's been doing it like yeah to travel for eight years and sleep on a couch and Jesus. It's work It's everything. This is work. This is work and those couch stories and the floor stories and working at a

Dallas hyenas and Going to the supermarket and the next morning opening up your fucking eggs And there's a roach in there that broke in through the fucking back through the package You know in those condos and Greg whatever sleeping on the floor with no shirt on and next You know you hear a bunch of people dialing and you go out into your living room And they got a telemarketing fucking chapter of comedy clubs in your fucking living room These are all true stories, dude. Have you my favorite road moments were Now looking back when it was happening. I thought I thought I was going to die

You've done this. I'm sure a million times when you first started as a feature, right? Do you remember when you would work those weeks with those 20-something years in Bitter road guys who lived in the midwest the water just all by And just bombed LA and they sell everything. Yes. They sell sneakers Shoes guitars And they're bitter about LA every little LA You suck dick. You might as well start because nothing's gonna happen to you

Dude, I it's funny on my special. I have a bit about that where I talk about when my cd came out Someone's like, hey, who's dick did you have to suck? I'm like the one you didn't that's who's dick I you know what I mean? And then I was like, and What what does it even mean? Like what what if there was some magic dick out there? Would you suck it? Fuck no, you know what I mean? Like you would just you know what I mean? Like you have to like for first of all, I'm not good. It's I'm Promise you right now. I'd be horrible at sucking dick So if I were to go blow some guy to move ahead, he'd be like, no, I'm sorry man. Like, you're not good at this

That's when they pick up forget about it. Just lick my ass. Don't worry about the rim job. What is it? So at like as headliners What would you look for since there are so many people who could feature for you? Like what do you guys look for if you get to pick a feature? It doesn't matter. I just thought it was funny. Like you did funny and you's fun and you could tell There's like you know, I know that he's striving, right? I want to know that he's paying a rent I want to know that he's banging it out every fucking night like I did Yeah, I want to know that he's not right. Well, I'm tired. There's no tired in this

I don't know what you're talking about right until You pop three or four things. You can't be tired. That could be three or four years. I don't know what day or I don't know what wedding you're talking about. Christmas sucked my dick. Jesus was a Jew You know, let's get it together here too many times and you've been through this I mean, dude, there is nothing that Like if and I'll tell you that's that's you just said it best like I would look for a comic who I know This guy has spent at least two or three already Christmases alone in a fucking hotel room in the middle of nowhere because they're working that week, you know

And we've done that dude. I remember that dude And those those are night especially when you're up like in the north and it's just fucking snowed in There's nothing to do. There's no show that night and you're just trapped in your room on christmas Be like there's always somebody who goes. Hey man. What do you want to come over to the house? Yeah, yeah, yeah something. Yep. There's always a manager at the club one of the other comics You really learn about human compassion on the road sometimes. Yeah, you know speaking about our pastor used to have the gay manager John that was right. Right. He had a young mexican lover and Dude, he was a bad motherfucker man. He was a bad motherfucker, John

Dude, he was a bad motherfucker and you hugged him and kissed him and I'd squeeze his ass and he'd run from me You know, I mean it was just fucking you meet I could write a book of the people that I met Yeah, that bailed me on the spot as a feature act that I wish there's a way I could get a hold of them and thank them because there was millions on There was a Puerto Rican guy in South Dakota one time The green river of South Dakota, I'll never forget That stuck his head out when he heard the accent

He stuck his head out the window and he was bro. I met some white chair. I stuck out of here in the service I'm the only Puerto Rican around here. And I'm like we can we get weed and right You know and he brought me weed and he didn't charge me when I did a triple run one time Oh, fucking Minneapolis, Minnesota, not even Minneapolis. I'm sorry like Minnesota all the way where they fish The ice wall. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and all that shit and we finished the show Dog we drive we drove for two hours in the darkness Yeah, and all there was was fake deer and how you the light was when

Your uh, I had lights hit the the lights I mean you were scared you kept going joey like where you taking me I've had a tire blowout on a triple one run time driving through Montana I hit black ice my car spun my tire exploded. I'll never forget this. I had to fucking pull over Jack it up put on the little tiny spare and I still had 50 miles to go And I just made it to the gig like those are those Triple runs like that are like fuck man. And have you ever had a triple run during good weather? I don't think that exists, right? He hasn't given to you. He saves those for the fucking good come

Yeah, I mean man, we would just go and like death. I mean, you know, it's not that you would go It's that you didn't think about it. Yeah, man. You loved the comedy so much You loved and you'd go to your friends and go I'm doing potato run too next week and they go in december Good luck. Good luck. We'll never see you again. And even it's not like when you're like, oh, you're flying to boston. Good luck Those planes go down Let me tell you something you will hit a deer Oh, I've done. Yeah People come home. Love ties blow out. You got to get out put chains on your car

You ever had a you ever run out of gas on a triple run And you have to go fucking run like a mile to a gas station filled up run back to the that's happened to me like dude triple runs Oh, man, it's it's it's it's nothing else can come that is the It's a training program. You'll never a triple run Is a training program once you call david triple as a comic and he goes I have six weeks of work for you You know one thing you you're going to comedy camp. Yeah, man You're learning every aspect of comedy except marketing

There's no really marketing because it's too quick. It's too quick. It's too quick one night. You're done. What you learn is how to Drive get there live on 50 bucks. Yeah, you know get to the gig Directions what to put in your car, you know by the second year of comedy your car becomes Your home. It's a dollar store. Yeah, that's the best way I could describe You have screwdriver's anti-free anything you know a soda a football or frisbee. You like my guy I mean a knife a wrench a fucking soccer ball a sleeping bag a tent a grill You've got tang you've got waters in the back You've got so much shit in your car and you learn how to put it all together. Yeah, you learn how to

Pull over and sleep for three hours. Yeah leave the windows opening the car running and lock the door knobs Open up the sunroof at those rest areas. You know what I would do with the rest areas. I would I would sleep I would take I had a water gun and I would just hold it and I'd wear a hoodie And I bought I bought a water gun and I would put it in the middle pocket So it looked like I was holding a gun When I would do when you go to like to the shady really creepy fucking and you know just in case Just make it look like I'm packing, you know like you would do all dude I remember when I was on the road the best feeling was one time

I was doing a gig and I was in between gigs I just found a basketball court out of the middle of nowhere and I had my basketball in my car You gotta put everything in your car Man, this is the fucking shit Basketball swimming trunks Oh, yeah Because you don't know what you're gonna bump into and on the triple run seat that the weekend's on saturday So the week doesn't start till tuesday. You're on montana with you by yourself

Oh, let's explain the lead to the breakdown on payments. Okay. Let's say let's say you because I I would feature on So let's say you do a comedy club and they give you 500 bucks Wednesday through sunday or whatever 700 bucks You would get about the same with the triple gig except they would pay you each night and what was mind blowing is The first night you got $10 And then you would go to the second club you get 35 and then the middle the third one you get 250 And then the next night you get 75 and they're like it would all even out at the end But like you said a lot of times you do those gigs you have zero in your pocket

And you get to the first gig and all you get is 10 bucks like fuck I gotta stretch this For all day tomorrow veggie and cheese Fuck yeah after breakfast the other half for lunch. Fuck. Yeah, hopefully they'll feed me at the gate when I get there Yep, and then you get to the hotel you check in and they have like a buffet downstairs like a free Gatherings of the town and they got like little pizzas and you go down there and eat two of them But you're like, you know what I'm fucking starving starving. I'm eating this whole there's always Something I didn't have a credit card. So they would say you can't yeah me too, dude You can't turn the tv on you can't turn the phone on lee

A fucking nightmare when you don't have a credit card, but then you know what happens is then there's always those weird magic moments We're like the one hot chick and that one town Comes to the show And you got a room for the night. You know what I mean? You remember those there's weird moments You're like, what is she even doing fucking me? But I'll take it, you know, and it's just it's all that like oh You're almost in a you know, like you said you meet these and you build these weird It's almost like you're living a life with somebody for one night But for whatever reason all the emotions and all that shit. They're just it's all cool

And this is like guys is nice And yeah, it's it's those nothing can compare To any any comedian who's just starting off if you wanted to learn how to be a comic go do a triple run right now Just fucking pack up your car and go do a triple run and you'll be you will be a better comic when it's over You will oh my god. You learn you learn quickly Okay, so I was doing a gig or doing a triple run on time in Montana And this it was I was in Dallas and it was before it's gonna take up now when I first started doing triple runs, dude You think you're a superstar? You're like, oh my god

I'm gonna go tour and like this is you know, and you don't realize it, you know Like polka tello. I know isn't you know the entertainment capital of the world But you're like fuck I'm gonna be doing it get like, you know, and so you do these um And so anyway, this tape started circulating from this comedian I forgot his name, but he's on stage and I was I was gonna be at the club in two nights And I remember it the VHS pop it in and this guy's on stage for whatever reason He was taping at a triple one, which is already a mistake. You're not gonna get your tonight show You're not gonna get your tonight show submission

And he's sitting there and he's in montana and he's a little dude, you know, he's not a big guy Someone's heckling him and he's just finally after like 30 minutes He just lays into the guy and he goes, this is my fucking life and you sit there And and then you just see this fucking corn fed redneck just get up and just walk to the stage He pushes the comic Unplugs the mic and then boom knocks the fuck out of him and then like a brawl just starts and it's all on tape And you're like and you're gonna be at that club in four two nights And it's like well, I hope it goes better for me

You know those triple runs there's people who just go out to to heckle the comments. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's it That's all they do. They just go out to heckle the comic league So I did a show and that's like they're like they're them in their body like it's heckle That's it. That's all they do. That's all they do They are a lot of times Especially in places like that, dude These are people who are like all the stress of their week their month their life They get to just once a week go take it out on these fucking

Shmo's who just walk in and do comedy and they just fucking it's it's You can't explain it to me and I don't I had to fight them Dude the following week. I hit him with Chinese food the more of course Do you think people who do that know they're terrible people? No, they don't they have no idea. They're just trying to be cool Yes friends trying to get them trying to get me to tell this fucking new yorker that i'm funny and he isn't They don't they don't realize they're being assholes. They think they're being part of the show They think you know one time I'm it was in monta always in montana, dude And I was doing a show and of course i'm mexican, but when you met me you're like there's no fucking way

You know, nobody believes it. They all think i'm jewish, right because I you know, you look jewish I know I look Sephardic, dude. It's crazy. But like so I um i'm doing this show and All I say is i'm mexican. I thought I stopped Five minutes in I go there's so i'm mexican and it's woman in the bag goes. Hey motherfucker. Don't you run your fucking mouth? But i'm fucking mexican. I don't want to end up fucking bullshit. I'm like, whoa I said, no, we're cool. All I said was i was mexican, you know, I didn't wasn't making fun of mexicans I was just getting it out there that i'm mexican and I said, you know, there's no one else here That's mexican besides me and that stupid piece of shit in the back and then dude

She gets on a phone that the bar had a fucking old school phone on it And we're in the hotel because it was one of the members of those triple rooms You're in a lounge of a hotel, right? You're in a red rock, right? Yeah, red All this shit. I think I saw one then in like new upstate in new york or something. Oh, you oh, yeah They're everywhere. They're everywhere and then so she gets on this phone and throughout i'm doing, you know What 20 minutes i'm featuring and she gets on the phone and about 10 minutes after she's been on the phone There's we aren't we are no longer the only two mexicans in helen in montana. There was like 15 dudes come walk it and they're waiting for me. They were waiting

They're all like, okay, bro. What you got this day? It's covered on we're gonna see what the fuck happened Like and I was like, okay, here we go And i'm thinking in my head like shit. I'm gonna die like this is it like fuck They're gonna fucking kill me because she called all of her boys and they all showed up to kick my ass I didn't even make fighters, you know, I didn't even really make fun of her and then I said guys, uh when I ended my set I couldn't ego comedian ego. I said hey By the way, if anyone was offended tonight during my set, I apologize Uh, but if the only one was offended was that stupid piece of shit in the back of the room

Then fuck you. I'm glad I offended and then everyone was into it And they these guys are like great jump the stage and what they didn't realize so they're all stage left Where the entrance to the lounges, right? What they didn't realize was stage right is another door that just comes right to the hotel So I just bring up the headline. I go. Thank you. Good night and bloop I just go out the fucking door and I ran to my fucking room and just hold up I was like, man Fuck as I it was it was and I was ready to go and I was like, well, I guess I'm gonna die

But the headliner grabbed me so I was bringing up and he goes go stage right. He's shaking my hand. He goes I'll get your money. Go stage right. There's nobody there. They don't know that that's and just go to your fucking room It's only shit. So I run up to my room when I get to my room It takes like 30 seconds right to get to my hotel room the phone ringing. I pick it up And is this the front desk? There's a gentleman here who says he went to high school He wants to know what room you're in so you can come up and say hi I'm like, I don't know anybody in this town like it was and I remember that left my car in the parking lot And it had Texas plates on it and I talked about being from Texas

And it was the only one with Texas plates. So I did like fucking mission impossible I had to fucking sneak all the way down get in my car Go park it in a bank across the street and then sneak all the way back up I was left the room. Fuck it. Take the car fucking thing on fire One time I had a scare in Idaho I had a scare and it was fucking crazy because I'm on stage and I see this black guy and he's talking to white women in Idaho

And when I'm cracking jokes, I'm saying to myself this guy's got the biggest balls Because this is around the oj time. Oh man. Farmer had a house in Idaho. So in my mind, I'm like So after the show I fuck around and I get off stage and I talked to the black guy. He comes over to me goes brother. Thank you that you came He was the only black guy and he was slinging big dick and you can tell these white guys hate Like they fucking hate them And when I went to the bathroom a guy was in and he goes, did you have a good time with your negro buddy? Wow, and I could tell I'm telling you, you know, listen, you want to fucking piss people off. Fuck what they're women

Oh, even if they're not fucking them. It's like office and the gentleman When when no question when they come into the bar the guys chase them out of the bar and want to fight them Just because they were talking to the girl Dog it's it's really weird. It's a weird mentality and they're not coming into our town with that Led Zeppelin shirt on You know and they fucking go not sleep It's at that. What's it bob see your song turn the page? Yeah, every Every performer who's ever had to do one nighters has lived every moment of that song Right, you remember like they walk into the restaurant and everyone's looking at you like who what fucking freak is this?

I remember those look come on tana with riko. Oh, wow riko. You know, I'm talking. Yeah. Yeah, stand. Hope. Yeah. Yeah Black riko is 400 pound black guy with a spider on his face a fucking Beard and I'll never forget. I'm but you guys a big hit that week It was horrendous We were co-headlining trouble. I'll never forget. We weren't where we were the first night And the morning he woke up and there's no black people for fucking days This fucking idiot decides to get on their hands and knees. He's muslim Or whatever the fuck those people all that breathe on that they pray on their knees. Yeah, this restaurant's packed with white people

In a restaurant, he wants to get down. I told him I go riko. You gotta get up. We're gonna get killed It's bad enough. You're fucking black and 400 fucking pounds. You want to pray to ala with the spider tether? Yeah, 1995 they don't know nothing about ala nothing Praying to ala had a golden crown whatever the fuck he was praying to He's looking at me like you insulted me. I ain't got time for this shit Get up. We're at a cracker barrel. They're gonna fucking kill us. You I sit there sometimes I'll never forget when I first left Denver

I was meeting when I left boulder June 30th and 95 or whatever for June 1st. I was meeting carol to strip in seattle and I don't know about you guys. I couldn't wait to fucking tear carol up Like it was tuesday and I was jerking off eight times in the shower Just thinking about how hot a pussy was he was gonna strip for me and I was crazy. I remember I did Wednesday, I'll never forget this Wednesday thursday friday saturday with a guy that was from orange county

Okay, he was a comedian at the time. He said he owned the house and he had lived out here for 15 years and He got from time to time. He was an extra And uh, I asked him if he got spots at the improv and he goes no and you'll never get in there and The laugh factory's impossible a comedy store and I'm he's telling me all this shit and I'll never forget how negative he was. Oh, but he gave me a card And it was four days because I was telling him I was moving to seattle To hook up with this girl and I'm gonna do comedy and and he's like, you know what man? I don't mean to piss on your parade but Stay in seattle. Don't let people talk. Let you talk and let you talk them into moving to

I still remember there was a fucking guy with new chucks on the road Right, they used to bring him up on stage. That would drove me crazy for a couple nights I know I could write them out like 10 guys. I don't not remember their names, but It's funny at the triple run. See I started on the triple run. Yeah, me too. No, no, no How is the house mc? Oh shit on the triple run? That's how I'm at standhold and a lot of that's the best, you know at that time. They were medium level comics Yeah, I don't I only remember two now that is still in the business that came through there There was one kid from san francisco that came one time

For the two-year anniversary and I gotta tell you guys he blew up that fucking room nice And I saw him out here at rousal and I walked up to him. Maybe So it's two it's two fifteen. Yeah, I think I saw him after mad tv. Okay mad tv and I did something else By 2003 I think I had mad tv. Yeah, well 2002 I had a few more I had like baseball and a pilot No ego. I knew I was very lucky. I knew that I thought like I'd stepped in shit. It'll never happen again And I bumped into him and I walked outside and went after him like I don't know if you remember me, man In 1990 fucking two you destroyed the broker and he goes, yeah

And I go, what do you do now? And he goes, I got out of comedy completely I moved on here. I did one. It's one of those times where there was a couple comics that I remember going Wow, that guy's really good. He was one of those guys. Yeah, stanhope. I saw stanhope at the as a feature act at the broker 1991 wow I invited him to stay over the house. He stayed over the house because I was divorced And I had this huge house so the comics were cool in those days. It was broke bolder on tuesday Okay, craig on thursday. Oh craig. Wow. Yeah craig, which was they I'll never forget the itinerary for craig craig was a triple run Saturday was gunnison. Yeah gunnison and sunday was no no all colorado and sunday was

Colorado springs colorless like a barn. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, wasn't judy brown's room. It was no no. It was a triple run Yeah, yeah, yeah So what you did was basically what these poor bastards did was some of them got up Wednesday morning after a hard night at the broker and they shoot up to craig because it was six hours by an aspen And that's the thing with a triple run, dude. You finish you you finish Wednesday night at 10 You have to be almost 10 hours across the state Thursday night. Like it's there's no joke There's no joke. So sometimes you got to drive eight hours. Some days you drive 45 minutes Yeah, you have the whole day to yourself

But there's some days you got to get up at eight and drive and you're still gonna get there at six Right. Yep. Jesus. Yep. Do you guys? Ever have like an issue with like a guy knocking on the door and you're like having sex with his girlfriend or his wife Since like you guys hooked up with people on the road. I've never luckily have avoided that Like I mean, you know, it's I've heard a horror story from this one comic who it said that that happened like after he after he took up with the chick there was a knock at his door the next day and A dude had a badge He walked in and said I'm a detective from you know local department

It's just a woman here claims you raped her last night and the comic is like freaking the fuck guys like dude That never fucking happened And so he sits a guy down And he starts making him go into detail as to what happened that night and he turns out that that wasn't even a cop It was that chick's crazy ex boyfriend Who just fucking was tailing her all night and then just wanted to he bought a fake badge And wanted to hear like what it is fucking crazy shit like that. Luckily. I avoided all that like, you know, I got lucky man Yeah, definitely, you know, you hook up with chicks. You always be worried like fuck like one time when I was in Little Rock

I thought you know what her boyfriend is here Like I went to she took me back to her house and we fucked in her in her dining room Of all places and the whole time like, you know what you think sometimes you can tell when there's like other eyes You know, I'm like dude her husband is either into this and watching it or something It was so I got the fuck out of there as quick as I could like Luckily, I've never had that, you know happen where someone's trying to kill me or you know Kick my ass over David like that like luckily you learn a lot Like I'll tell you what shocked me the most shocking thing that happened to me was

I'm a cokehead. I was a cokehead on the road So the coke took me wherever right, you know, if a chick was involved, I'm gone You know, so I'd be at the fucking club And as a feature act, I'd make believe I was in the payphone at El Paso And I'd be on the payphone trying to get below Yeah, and and I'll not forget this one night this girl came up to me because Wednesday night was army night

Yeah, always it was Tuesday through Sunday. It was eight through saturday And either Tuesday night or Wednesday night was army. Yeah, and I'm not kidding you It was the second night of the week the second night of the week was army. Yeah What at a army base at this particular club At this particular club Wednesday night was army night. Okay, because there was a base really close. There was a base really close So I'll never forget that I'm at the thing and some girl comes over a very sweet looking girl I mean, did I have a chance? No, we would just talk and she was are you from LA and You've really been in the movie. We started talking one thing led to another

She goes, uh, do you drink and yeah, let me buy you a drink and Okay, you know at the time I drank a little bit I was at least sociable them And I had a drink and she goes, I'm gonna go back in with my girlfriends. I'll come back Thank you for talking to me and and And she came on her the girlfriends and then we took they took me up to the corner Yeah, and I'll pass on we talked and her she's like I gotta get out of here with you I bought like a grandma blow I already had it in my pocket

And we went back to the fucking thing and there was a bottle of wine a couple beers in there from the week before And we started drinking and I don't know guys what I was thinking I don't know what I was thinking. I was supposed to think anything And I was in the back and doing little bumps. I didn't want to you know, the girl looked very clean cut Fuck no, you know, one of the times I went in the bathroom. I came out. She was balls ass naked And god knows what happened, you know, I don't I don't know those days. I didn't bring I'd like to have condoms Right. So sometimes you go down on them. They go down and you finish and you go home whatever That was it you can learn to have fun and she did blow then we realized she did blow

She stood out for like 5 30 in the morning. I slept all day. The headliner was kind of pissed. He's like, I don't know who the fucking headliner was Oh, they always do that too when you get late in the headliner doesn't oh, man They get and I don't think I fucked. I just think she was naked playing with herself or whatever doing crazy. That's out there And do you know that for like I didn't take her name. I didn't take her number She just left and said I gotta go home and let's take a shower and go right to work Thursday night. I forgot all about it. Yeah, you know, I Friday night. She came back and she was joey. Come here. I want you to meet my husband I nearly fucking Fuck and I didn't you know, and I went back to the room and it teaches you about people

Yes, I learned a lot about that lessons about people. Yeah, man. Is there trust or whatever? I mean who walks in at 5 30 in the morning and whose husband says where the fuck you bet right? No, shit You know Kissing this shit. I had a situation She didn't come back and talk to me about it or nothing she waved. I met a husband. Oh, she was great. Yeah, boom They walked away and she just sat there. Yeah, we had a great time in the other night Whatever the fuck then there was another time in Miami with a girl two weeks a day there in Miami Driving her car. It was crazy and sunday night. What happened sunday night?

I look at her hand and she's got a wedding plan And I go, what's up? We're talking and she goes i'm getting married in three months. So After tonight, there's no chitter chatter. There's no conversation And I go, where is this guy? And she goes, he's a weatherman on television So he has to be there at four in the morning three in the morning. So during the week I don't see him and all of a sudden it hit me. I wouldn't see you friday or saturday She would show back in the club sunday night like chip chop magoo and this sunday night was I didn't see it She goes, I want to see you before you leave monday

As she goes, listen, just take my fucking number Like take it out. I'm getting married and let me tell you something that was 1998 yeah And last year when I went to Miami. I played a restaurant. Okay now has Miami doesn't have an improv anymore. Like home field is like home field. Yeah sports So home field sports contacted the improv and we do comedy book them So they called me and they go they want you to come down. So I went down there Friday night when I'm walking on stage

She grabbed me after fucking wow 16 years. That's fucking oh man. Do you remember me and I go No, and she goes she took her glasses off I go, oh my god But she was craziest girl and she dated The singer from van helen. Oh david lee ron. Oh, she this girl was a savage. She was blonde beautiful bikini Her husband or her dad her dad owned an outie dealership Oh, wow, like I'm gonna say these dealership or a Porsche dealership So she lived in a high rise on the beach

She had three different cars in her fucking driveway In her little parking garage. What did she expect when she's talked to you now? Was she like probably just want to say hey, I said hello to one cat. No, I know what you did I'm just saying was she like let's do it again or nothing. No, I just came to see the show Oh, yeah, she came to see the show and it was me. Yeah, and she was like, holy shit Jebra, I Dude, I was gonna one of the craziest nights I had was in Oklahoma city at the looney bin and I was featuring for this comic who you know just remain nameless, but

Nice enough guy with shit, man. So what about the trust thing? There's this girl just Gorgeous. She was like six one beautiful statues. She was just stunning and she was at the show She walks up to because oh, it's a little bit drunk. These guys are so great Blah blah blah and her husband was with her husband was right there with her and he goes He's about to go hunting and it was all the stupid redneck shit They leave it like Midnight and they're not back and you know for another two days or whatever, right? And because he's going hunting for the weekend and it's just going to be me

And he takes off to go hunting with his friends from the club And she's there and she goes, well, do y'all want to come back to my place to fucking like the husband just left, right? And so in the course the other commerce like fuck yeah, we're going so I had to drive and I'm driving me and the headliner It was actually just the headliner myself and a bartender from the from the club a woman or man Man, so three guys to redo. She brings back to her place and I'm sitting there, dude I was like fucking scared man. I was one of my first times on the road. Joey. I'm just sitting like I'm not gonna do anything I'm just gonna sit here, you know and then sure enough we're hanging out and she she had a pot leaf framed in a picture and uh, she also

Like had this knife that she bought her husband that had like some message on it like engraved like I will love you forever It was like this really pretty hunting knife that the blade she got a good that was sitting there And then she's just talking she flashes us And then the bartender just goes to fuck her like he just takes her to her bedroom and starts fucking her And as he's fucking her the headliner Grabs the the framed pot leaf He steels a knife and then they have like 300 bucks cash in a buy He just took that and he looks me he goes that guy came find his way home. We're getting the fuck out of here right now

And I'm like fuck She we just left It was the craziest and I'm just scared shitless the whole drive like some fucking something's gonna fucking happen Like something's gonna fucking happen. Did you see the chick the rest of me never saw her again? She never came back that was a first night that was on fucking Wednesday night Then whatever it was that was the first night of the fucking run too So I was the whole weekend I'm like

Any minute now they're gonna come and then the we're back at the condo and the headliner Just the whole weekend just had the knife and was just throwing it up against the wall at night I said The middle of the night and I'd go downstairs the first time what the fuck is that and it was just him He would take the knife out pitch black darkness throw it up against the wall again By the time we left there was like 40 fucking cuts in the wall. That's the fucking one I could do It was crazy, man. I was like fuck. I was just right here. Oh, man. It was Sometimes on the road like I would go the craziest things that happened to me weren't with women. It was drugs

See I was going into some dark fucking places, man. Jesus Was there ever a moment you're like, you know what? It's isn't worth it. Was there ever like we're Maybe right when it started or we're like, ah, you know what? This was not worth. Oh, it was always worth it Just that's the darkness for me. That was the real darkness for me some nights going to cop It's funny. I was telling me my friend got shot in Florida Saturday night he got shot right there the kid I grew up with and uh He got blasted, you know, and they found him in a parking lot and today I was talking to my friend and And I'm like, you know, that's what happens when you go to and she's like, what do you think he was doing?

Oh, he's looking for birds He's fucking buying drugs, you know, they found him at four in the afternoon. He could have been there You know, he left that morning, you know guys I remember one time and I told this story last week because I was in perrysburg And I had said I always got bad luck in bergs Because I was in uh, I was in sunkenberg west virginia And I heard these guys and I was like that's when I was on a roll Like I had just done the taco bell commercial. They had just sent me

$60,000. So I'm snow. I'm throwing a way blow And I go to fucking I got a pocket full of fucking cash. I go to west virginia and nobody's got cocaine Wednesday asked the wait staff. Oh, yeah. Wednesday the wait staff was like, uh Thursday the wait staff is like, uh Friday they're like, no, there's no cocaine. I mean, this is west virginia Cold miners you can't say fuck on stage or some of the one-nighters The one night it was a ping-pong table Did they put like a sheet over with bricks underneath and you couldn't curse it was a college. It was fucking horrible

Wait, you had to stand on a ping-pong table with little stairs on the side. They double reinforced it for fat people 300 pounds and it didn't break who the fuck knows. I don't fucking know Lee They reinforced the fucking thing. Oh my god, because I even asked them. I go, that's not gonna hold me It's not gonna work. Yeah, it turns into like a brick stage. That's the place where they hear outside a contract They wanted you to give them 25 dollars every time you said fuck. Wow. And I go, I'm not going up call the fucking Just saying happening And that night I went into the bathroom. I heard the guys going And when they got out I go, what's up, man? They're like, hey, man, you're funny

And I go to me. I should something can you get me some more? Can you sell me something? They're like, we're done But we'll get you some come on And me and Vinnie Capola had a rental car go Vinnie. Give me the fucking car He's like, where you going? Don't worry about it. Call me when you get back and I fucking left him And I followed these guys into weeds and fucking Bushes and you know cornfields It was like an hour of driving or something we get then they go into a trailer

And they come on and I goes, how much you want? I go get like a grand 100 bucks because 100 bucks. I get you a pound I knew something wasn't right. I go pound for 100 bucks And he came out and he gave me a fucking baggie and I go, what is that? He's like a crank Oh, that shit must be jenny's Speed this guy's been this guy's been up for three months With one batch and I'm like, really that should kill you. Give me That motherfucker home. I did a couple bumps. I was fucked up jack Did you guys ever get arrested on the run? I did. I've never been luckily now. What was that like?

I got arrested for fucking seven hours In Idaho in Twin Falls or something like that for what for shoplifting a tent Bringing it back in those days. I used to be a professional fucking tent I used to be a professional any kmart I saw this was before they all got onto different computers You had two free returns at kmart before they put you on file Oh, wow So if you went to kmart the first time we're like something $90 and said hi my brother got me these floor mats

That I already had in my bottom three days earlier. Can you return to your receipt? Not really they just They just can't to see if they come from that store You know, I wouldn't walk out of the store I just take them and instead of walking out of the store to walk up to the counter walk right up to the counter Hi, I just and in those days. I didn't even think of looking at film. Right. They weren't adept to film yet, you know So I would go up to the counter and go I need these they give me back cash Okay, you go to that same store a week later You make sure the same girl's not working right the one I got these last week

Okay, and she'll give you receipt and they'll give you cash out of petty cash, but that I think the third time they'll fucking take your license in those days And write your license information now anytime after that you had a problem, right? Right, right, right? So I was banging this out everywhere anytime. I needed money on a triple when I just going to a came How you doing? I just bought this toaster for 200 Okay, sign here, you know 215 plus tax didn't give you the tax back That's fucked up when you're stealing tax from fucking k-mart And I'm banging these out in metropolitan cities. I'm going to baltimore to k-mart in those days

I went I worked denver and I lived in the denver area And I would dress up in the mornings This was my season the day after thanksgiving is when it starts and it goes straight to valentine's day When this time of the year was coming around I was excited because that meant there was no job Befront with joey. I had one job I had one job and I could break it into one day just go out and rob And this is how I lived from 94 To like 98 until I got busted doing it

In 96 or 97 and in uh twin falls I though wow I would just go anywhere. I saw came on walmart anything like that Just take some cappuccino machines or big all right, right 95 I was banging out 300 a day one cappuccino machine every mall I saw I banged out a cappuccino machine some days. I came home with 1500. Oh my god. I'm surprised I think it caught more Just like the different world back then dude. It was crazy 20 years ago. We weren't really Now no now they go. Okay. Let's look at the camera. They just go to a camera and they'll see you walked in with nothing You know what guys used to do back when I used to work at a vest buy way back in the days in the 90s they would take uh

They would hollow out a speaker box And just fill it with shit and so a box you would get like a big sewing for whatever speaker, right? You know, you know, it's tall remember those tall big cardboard box They would just fill it with product and they would just pay 120 bucks for that one speaker They would take the box of that we would get we get You know swindled that all the time And then you just leave and they forget all this product They would do to go return in another store some crazy shit

But it would make you can make so much money doing that It's amazing how smart people are I worked at CVS And people would take big like the big like old navy shopping bags And wrap it in tin foil and then put another one But try to make it look like just one bag Sure And the big thing they would steal was crest white strips And they would just go we had videos of people too

And running out so that's why like when you go like a CVS and you see like the weird stuff they have behind there It's because the people steal it You know what one time this when I worked at Best Buy this was I didn't I wouldn't even know that I was kind of bummed that I missed it But so they've gotten these new cam thousand dollar camcorders, right? I don't remember back best buys used to have Their back stock was sometimes up in cages above the regular aisles, all right? And so this kid was up there

He had just put all these camcorders in and the scam was genius like as he's up there on the ladder, right? This woman is like sir, can you help me please being really annoying? And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah And so he just rushes down to help her and she takes him over there and he leaves that cage wide open Dude like 30 of them were gone like 30 this where her husband went up Got them all and just walked right out like it was shit like that dude It was crazy how people and you just can't do that now. It's like how good I was Lee I was thinking about contacting these companies and telling them

Are you fucking retarded? Like I'm making a fucking living I'm making 10,000 a month robbing you guys. That's just me Right this way. I can't imagine who else is robbing. Yeah, how many millions how many millions you're getting robbed? That's how good I was Lee when I went back to boulder in 94 In 93 I robbed like beside the sports betting job I had and I'm ashamed to say this I that's all I did. Yeah, I got to the point where I would just go in front of came out with my bicycle And hang out

A grown man with a bicycle and I look for people coming out dropping receipts Oh, yeah, that happens all the time and I'd pick up a receipt 40 dollars. I'm in that's good. I got weed and I got lunch Now I need another receipt. That's the way to do it That's how I did it. I just wait there because nobody nobody keeps a receipt everybody toss them People dropping receipts one time somebody dropped a fucking lawnmower receipt for four no way I took the receipt and I took it all the way to longmont colorado went to that kmart And I took a lawnmower brought it up got the four bills back kept the receipt I just had it just in case and then I went back to bow to boulder brought back the fucking lawnmower

I made 800 for the fucking damn plus tax I would hit the westminster mall more boulder mall longmont mall I would go all the way to shyan wyoming and I would write where I went down. This is how fucking crafty I was So I wouldn't go back to two places. No evidence. I would just put Uh, 10 15. They could be doing anything. Oh rora. That's it. Yeah, you didn't know what it said For not not even quick meet 1916 that's lawn owner 101 No, you're meeting a friend if you put boulder mall at 320. That's fucking but if I just put mall They don't know if I do you could say you had a job in here. Yeah, whatever like that was there

So I would know where I would be the week before so I wouldn't go back And I would never go back. I had like a little calendar and I just put like bees on it. I had no westminster sure Or rora Fucking I hit ever our vada. I hit every mall that had a fucking came on All the way in the state of color rather than I would just start all over My homing all the way to fuck do you have like a company list or how do you find them? Well, you just drove around I just drove around until I saw them all off the went off to 70 or the i-25 You just got balls fucking everywhere. Yeah, john elwayville. Oh, yeah, fuck all those bills and done by used to rob

So wait when you got arrested when on your gig did you make the next gig or I made the gig That's awesome. They gave they let me out on my own reconnaissance. I told them to suck my dick There's still a warning in twin falls and mr. Meena want How long is that last who the fuck that's crazy. Yeah, fuck you never gonna back the twin My fishing days are over. You know what I'm saying? I got a warrant someday I don't know people very upset right now. I ain't fucking going there jack. These people that want to go back and I'll sneak and Fuck you. Yeah, there's no reason for me to fucking sneak back. Yeah, it's funny because uh I'm trying to get I'm trying to get a passport, but I want to know or I'm not going to spend unnecessary money

So the passport's the first thing if these people fucking it's all in the paperwork. So these people approved me Fuck Seattle and fuck that warrant. I'll just go to cuba. Yeah If Canada if I could find a way to definitely enter Canada Like I got an attorney right now that's my answer questions and you have to fill out a form and the exact gig We're gonna probably go to calgary If I could go there with that warrant not now if Canada goes you could come in We got to take that warrant in seattle. I'll take care of the warrant in seattle, right?

The only travel I want to do right now is a passport to go to cuba And maybe over to london to see my average buddies over there made it to australia But Canada is too strict. They're not gonna let me and they're gonna break my fucking balls. What are you giggling about Lee? I'm just imagining like Calgary exploding right now Well, there's a comedy club up there that I work in minneapolis the house of They have that how was that one that was out in minneapolis the house I love it because i'm doing the one in phoenix in a couple of weeks. Yeah, I love it

He's a great guy. Yeah, I met him at montreal. It's a really nice man. You walk around. Yeah, I'll probably fucking You know, I'll do a couple things over how many that thursday through sunday. It's so weird you stay in town The only advantage I have of staying in town Is that I get to see my family the whole week I get to hang out with lee a little bit But besides that I gotta tell you I'm just becoming a professional work outer. Yeah, that's all I do is I'm a professional worker outer I did a kettlebell workout clearly that would have made you fucking drool What do you do I did everything I did five sets of squats five sets of cleans

Five sets of one-arm curls and then five sets of two arm swings Do you see the video he put up today? No, he put up a video of this guy Doing one-arm swings with a hundred and six pound. Oh my god. Who is this the guy who teaches us? Oh, nice. We go tuesday morning. She's swinging. All right, man. How's your back? You know, it's way better See, you're all jimmy good out. What's going on with the ex-girlfriend. You see any more of the blonde? She's still at the bookstore. She took your job dude. She fucking took the job. She took my dog. She took my cat And uh, now she fucked off and went to ohio Oh, she went back and she didn't even have the pets anymore

That's fucked. That's that that's what hurts the most is I missed my dog. I missed my cat She gave the cat and the dog away. Yeah. Yeah, you believe not She gave the dog to her fucking dad who lives up in cleveland. She went to Cincinnati And then I think the cat is here with her old friend. It's like man. Fuck that Fucking crazy. Why don't you go back to Cincinnati for she didn't have a bad year. Yeah, I know she was a young girl Yeah, that's what happened. It's what happens to you over this hide in the fuck steal in the fucking cradle Bang and fucking young chicks and shit. Hey, man. That's what you get, right? So I can't believe you have been watching that's your fucking they were talking that's your show

I was watching something the other day and they talked a lot about laredo narcos That's another something else. I was watching Uh drugs ink. Hmm. They were talking about how drugs come up and the big port now is laredo. Oh, yeah Everybody's fucked up in laredo. They don't know what's what the fucking gangs do laredo is but it's always been that way Like there was you know, my mom told me a story. There was a dude there who's like the mayor for like 40 years Yeah, like I was this guy that's that thing that isn't possible But yeah, I think shit like that always happened He's like this. He goes that guy was a mayor when I was fucking when my mom was a kid

That guy was a fucking mayor, you know, like that's how shit happens on there. Like it's so fucking crazy, man Like it's yeah, it's oh god. It was when I uh, you know, my my my my uncle Uh, you know, he's not rich. He he just had his own business. You know worked hard had his own business He never had he wasn't like Rolling in cash, but just because he owned his own business one day I was babysitting his two sons my little cousins, right? We're just playing football in the yard All that stupid shit video games and I get a phone call. It goes. Hey you with the boys right now and I go Yeah, yeah, why he goes just go inside if you don't mind. I was like, yeah, what's up?

Turns out that he just got a call saying hey, we know where your kids are We're gonna go get them unless you give us 10 grand Like we get phone calls. I got all the time and none of them was it was all just people desperate trying to But enough of that kidnapping should happen that the people fall for him like, okay, you know, like it's yeah It's you know, right? It was a fucking crazy place. I mean, I love it. It's you know, it's it's home, but man It's uh, yeah, that's when you when you're close to those waters league get some good fucking drugs Oh, man when I used to go to el pass. Oh my god I used to be bouncing the fucking whole five days. I was there

There was some coke. Oh, yeah, there was look at it Fucked up What's up, please to recover from the acid trip monday night, bro We had a 250 I thought about this. What'd you think about me? I had a 250 milligram To soothe you in your models to soothe you in Still smoked a joint did a dab And then took one of the strongest 10 of the acid I can imagine

It was crazy And he ate it Listen, sometimes you do a drug an edible like there was an edible. We did a couple weeks ago that I went home I said, okay. I'm hungry. Right. I'm not gonna overdo it Right, let me just eat an apple and my wife gets a bunch of fruit right at night. I'll attack that first And the fucking fruit like sometimes you go home and there's like egg salads And I'll get like two four four saltine crackers and I'll eat a little bit of egg salad with four crackers I'm good for the night. I'll drink water. I'll drink a little coffee. I'll watch tv

This one night. I ate every Once I ate that banana and that apple like it's set my appetite And people will not even you can't eat if you eat you fail you fail You fail and and especially if you do edibles on a day of like kettlebells anything when you're moving metal Right like monday. Lee and I went to jiu-jitsu and I told Lee on the way i'm gonna leave feel your legs. They're sweating We worked out today. It's a hundred degree. You know, we're you're hungry. That's one hungry, but that's it I did like today. I did a good kettlebell worker. I know tonight You feel about 1130. Oh my god, you're at but you gotta go to bed

You gotta drink coffee and go to bed like a cup of decaf really get you and go to bed because anything after like by 11 20 I i'm looking at my fingers Like maybe I should just bite one of my fun Like you get so hot like one thing. Okay. I eat all the fruit I eat all the almonds, you know, because I got 100 calorie bags of almonds Once I eat three of those then let's say if I eat three bags of almonds, I'm still fucking hungry I start on the leftovers Once I kill the leftovers, you know, I sometimes that's three different leftovers

Yeah, there's not enough for a meal, but if you eat the three leftovers together, it's okay. It's a meal I love those plates But I did one of those I had to be two weeks ago an edible kettlebell day Fucking I went home. I ate the fruit the fucking The three leftovers then I started eyeballing the salami the ham and cheese my wife gets ham and cheese I told the stop but the fucking thing slice ham and cheese We had no bread at the house. Okay, I haven't had white bread in fucking months. The white bread is a devil

They're white bread is evil, bro. Don't listen when I'm stoned Again, I'll just tuck a tub out of butter And I'll sit there with a knife and make white bread with butter and I'll have 10 of you Now that what's sad is that white bread is so bad for you But white bread and butter is the best fucking snack on the fucking planet. Oh my god It is just amazing late night. I'm gonna eat the other night when I went home on that acid I was I got I went home. Well, I got high the weed first I called him and he we got really high outside right by the time I went upstairs. My wife was awake

And the baby was all Then that we're in out that she was in the room. I could hear her in there. No, I'm not I was gonna say tell us that story real quick because that was funny. What no, I know I'm not. Oh, she's a fucking trick Those are two favorite words. No, I'm not no problem Thank you. No problem Oh If you say thank you, no sugar, no problem You should just walk away and shit do mercy's a badass day today. I told my wife's like, I'm gonna make hamburgers and fries

I'm gonna bake these healthy french fries. I said, no, I mean the house is gonna be 2000 degrees. We're about the other week Heat storm here this week. It's gonna be a hundred tomorrow 105. They said, yeah, they're gonna be fucking hot the next two days We're sweating tomorrow morning, Doug. Oh, yeah. Oh, damn it It's gonna get cold again. They said next week. Next week. Yeah, that's it. It's mid-act The hottest month in california september. Yes, that's what people do not realize They never get it. It's not it's not obvious like everywhere else like tomorrow and that that'll be it. Hopefully. Yeah, listen I don't give a fuck. Yeah, you know, we're so spoiled out here. It doesn't really fucking couple of more weeks of this shit It's fine. You know, yeah, but the other night I really Lee said

I had a big problem when I was a kid like I Like to triple when I heard Ozzy Osbourne on fairies wear boots smoking and tripping is all that you do I lost my fucking right, you know, what people don't realize is okay Let's say Uh Let's just fucking LeBron. Yeah LeBron takes a picture Tonight just us fucking around LeBron takes a picture of himself with a certain type of water

And the instagram thing he has a million followers, right 10 percent of people gonna buy that water. No question It just makes sense. Here's what you got to understand when I was a kid When I heard the beat I didn't like the fucking Beatles But when I heard that they went to india and did acid and came back and their music changed. Okay, that was one thing That was okay. That was one testimony Then I heard then I heard Hendrix used to put it on his band And it would sweat to his fucking yeah Into his eyeballs. I don't fucking know. I'm not gonna quote. I've heard that too. I know he ate a lot of acid

Okay, and I listened to his music and I was like god damn Then there were like three other people who I know they talked about acid So acid always had a high testimony with me. I knew eventually once I loved reefer like how much I really liked reefer There's a scene I called Lee right away. The reason why I like this narcos so much. Yeah is because I think the guys are great actor. You know what Pablo Escobar looks like. It's like this black kid that played james brown He did a great job as james brown. Yeah, but this guy has something. Oh, he's escobar. That's who's playing No, no, no, okay. This guy that's playing escobar and narcos is a brazilian guy. I've been knocks him for his Spanish Everybody who spanish is like when I went to see scarface. I was a little insulted at first. It doesn't matter. It's out

But she though who gives a fucking right, right? I don't care if he fucks up the words. It's a movie This guy it's not that he's created this He's such a great actor like I told Lee if this guy was english or australian Everybody would know about narcos. Oh my god. He's so good. But he's a fuck cover every magazine Right. He's a half respect. So fuck him. He's not that good. Look. He's skinny, but he plays fat Yeah, sometimes he goes like this with his stomach and he puts his sneakers on and he walks around and he plays fat But the beginning of episode wagner wagner mora the the beginning of The beginning of episode eight or nine. He's at the jail. They it's it's called la cratidro. Okay, laka federal

Yeah, and it opens up with him looking at a truck getting unloaded And you see it going into the port and they're like, what is it and the guys like it sheets plumbing materials It's uniforms for the guards. Okay. That passes it through. He pulls into the jail. They open with the back It's fucking filled with chicks bags of blow fucking fish tanks filled with lobsters You know a gambling casino people the guards are gambling the gambling casinos And people are yelling and screaming the women are going into the casino. They're playing cards. He's upstairs He's he's he's ahead of the fucking game. He's looking at the mountains

He's looking at what's going on. He's hearing what's going on And all of a sudden you see this thing in the picture that's going like this It's a pop plan The wind blowing he looks at the pop plan. So here in a fucking jail Like you just unloaded Yes casino material chicks They just unloaded a party in anybody's world in a prison. You're supposed to be in jail, right? But to top it off

You're growing weed the best weed in the world. He looks at the plant. He walks over to it You see him scrape through the fucking leaves. There's a bud hanging there dog. He gets the bud and he goes And he closes his eyes and I'm while I'm looking at him like only I would do something like that Like he's in heaven. He's sniffing that bud. They're all downstairs with broads and whatever He sniffs it. He looks at it. He clips it and he puts it in his top pocket and he walks That's the whole scene. It's a six-minute scene of him just inhaling the weed. You know, oh, that's great That's a testimonial like this guy. Yeah, I loved that hole So the first time I did acid I was like, I don't remember when or with who I don't remember

I know I liked it because it took my mind somewhere else And I was telling Lee that night when I got up the next one I hit Lee with 22 fucking ideas Acid is basically putting you in a room with no Let me tell you some guys you really want to write really good comedy Wake up get a cup of coffee or whatever you do in the morning. Don't turn nothing out Right, don't get stimulated by anything. No stimulation Sit there for two hours with a pen and a piece of paper Have your coffee let the coffee stimulate your little bit if you want to smoke a half a joint

Maybe take two puffs of a cigarette. Whatever you do No stimulation from television magazines. No thoughts Shubbed into your mind. No commercials nothing sit there for an hour and watch where your mind will go Do that for eight hours, which is unheard of but when you're in prison, that's what happens. That's what they mention solitude Because your mind goes somewhere else You get to a different level with your mind on your own terms When you do acid if it's really good acid It's fucking it'll break you down, you know

And Lee was like how many times did you do that going up and go after my mother died? I was so confused Sure, it didn't really matter what I felt like the acid would make me normal Right the acid I would go home at night and put on sabotage and that would give me the answer to all my problems If I wasn't the sabotaged or holding the sky That's I would be fine after I go to sleep like a fucking champion the next day I'd be energetic all my mind was on cylinders That's what acid is for me and it always has been over the years

I I haven't been that high like that way in 15 years. No 1985 was the real last time. I really really really got fucking Baked on acid like Jesus. I was seeing things and lights the other night I didn't get to that level But with another hit. Oh I would have gone right over the fucking Does acid have like a little bit of not speed but like yeah, rat poison. Oh my god. What? Rat poison

That's to get you all fucking amped. Yeah, because like it was crazy, man I I texted you in five at five in the morning. I know I was done already I was like and you wouldn't have been able to eat because once you go to go to get the breakfast The acid kicks back up because we would smoke the joint. See I keep the acid coming back with joints That's why I said to your sunday night. We're all 15 fucking joints Well, you didn't give me any I gave you one that we smoked one that night. We did. Yeah, but I need one I need one five in the morning. I started I organized my fucking bathroom It was great. It was like the letters were moving on my phone

I was just getting giggling about myself. He wouldn't fucking answer the phone. I finally went to bed I think at 115 right I was so fucking high And I was laying on this side and I could feel my heart beating on the because once you start thinking about it So once I flipped over I didn't want my heart my wife to feel my heart beating, but once I flipped over I was fine. I went right to bed. I got up a couple times like I woke up thinking I can't believe I fell asleep We have those acid dreams and shit like that That's crazy. I I tried to jack off to like go to bed. It could it wouldn't work. No, you can't whack off on that That's no sex on that shit. Oh, the sex is good if you were the freak that's on ass and she's working your horn

She's putting fingers up your ass I took a lot of shits. Do you shit a lot on acid? No, that was the speed Maybe it was the subway because that's yeah, well the subway too Who would go the subway on acid only this fucking joke I was high from the edible and I didn't have dinner So I was I just went and got a turkeys up a turkey fucking sub That's that's what made you shit. Don't blame it on the acid But it let that acid see I when you went to eat

I was like that said he's gonna go to bed And then I drank call I did something and also I was off and running. I'm like, oh my god I am fucking blasted. This cannot be and I did a periscope. I was giggling I went outside and I smoke I smoke and when I almost fell down the stairs I tell you that on the acid No, I was an inch from falling down the fucking my front stairs I went to pop up and I'm like, oh, shit I fell over the kettlebell my wife left us outside. I had really like dark thoughts. It was weird. What kind of dark thoughts

Like I like I felt bad for a minute like forgetting paul Like I was like she could have like a lawyer boyfriend Or something like that and not have to deal with like a crit like this craziness And like the crazy people on twitter And like weird stuff like that and then I was like thinking about just me doing acid It's it's weird for me, man. Like you did all this stuff as a kid. I didn't did you ever dream of doing acid? This was told from like fifth grade. They're there. Did you put music on that night? No, no No, next time we'll bring in music in there. Yeah, we're gonna darken to get some candle sunday night

We're doing an acid fucking podcast. Oh nice. I mean harry and lea popping. It's we got anarchy edible The podcast is great. We got a fucking some reefer. We're gonna roll a few joints And then uh, someone's gonna fall down those stairs. We're gonna have to bring on good air air Eliza in here. So now we'll smoke in here. Let me give some shout outs real quick here My man harry who came to the storyteller show is not happening. He got he got there late, you know, I love him Mike Rowlett ryan murphy rob lala sergeant Cassidy over there fucking holding it down Ricky neb two will freddo disla aim me my my buddy

One by one podcast and no one e3 Couple shout outs for you fucking savages and the shit out there podcastville Look at you little scarf You guys like music and we're talking about the beat like It's 2015 the Beatles broke up in 71 or something like that. So it's not even yeah, you know When I was growing up everybody wouldn't shut the fuck up about the brakes You know, it wouldn't they wouldn't shut the fuck up. They would not shut the fuck up the Beatles are getting back together

blah blah blah Meanwhile, fucking paul mccarty's writing some monsters He wrote monsters in the 70 and john lennon's firing adam and george harrison wrote 33 and the third ringo stars Just ringo stars. He's he's somewhere jumping up and trying to put an all-star band together with a bunch of fucking addicts and shit And they got to cancel the tour 12 dates and nobody's showing up no more ringo. We thought it was a joke, though We don't want to play with you. You're a fucking joke But it was it was really weird how people had hope And somebody had put the kids I hung out with hated two people in jersey in high school

I hung out with these guys and they hated two bands the Beatles to hang out with these guys You had to hate two bands the Beatles and Bruce Springsteen Like Bruce Springsteen came out of the party. You had to leave or break the fucking record player Like that's it. Like you had to fucking do something to the record. You could be around the music No, we were not allowed to do music. I did not let them consider I had one front. I did to have a new freeze out as a fucking. That's my jam. That's my jam. That's my jam That's the only jam I listened to It was on today live

It was on today live and it was pretty impressive how he did it. He introduced the band before he did Pretty fucking cool, but I'll never forget that John Lennon got shot on a monday night Mother night football, huh? Tuesday night. I'm walking into school in that portrait of the Beatles, right somebody already put an x on John That's how much they hated the Beatles the dudes that live we walked by and they're like, look at that They already put an x on his head. We were fucking dying one down three to go one down three to fucking go I mean, it's not that I hated the Beatles. It's that the kids that wore the Beatles. You got sick of them Yeah, I got sick of those motherfuckers. It wasn't till

1983 so I went to Aspen That there was a bunch of Beatles happens the guys that In the daytime if you're here, you can play music I was there by myself And you know elevation smoking weed you gotta put music on the cello you and that with the rubber soul I started getting to those and straight sergeant peppers and

And that's when I learned about the Beatles sitting there by myself I really learned a lot about the without nobody forcing them down my throat I broke down the music by myself and said this is fucking brilliant Then I listened to all the Paul McCartney stuff and John Lennon stuff and you know woman is the nigger of the world I mean, he's got some fucking crazy shit John Lennon And I didn't get it into it as much as I thought, you know, but it was very interesting Like there's bands to me that people say, oh my god, then you bring it home and this is garbage It's just some guy, you know the Beatles was something for me that it was an education later on

I'm happy. I didn't get into the Beatles when I was 16. I'm happy I got into them. I was in my 20s And then again, like an 80s before I got locked up. I got into a uh, I hated those early shit Loved me do or hold your hand. No, no, I'm none of that shit works in my world I like the craziness. I like let that let it be it starts as revolver and rubber soul Those two would make out when they're like fuck it's just brilliant shit Yeah, man, and I didn't know at that time, you know, it's it's it's really weird if you're young you listen to the podcast You like a certain type of music and right now you're saying that that other music sucks

10 years from now, you're not gonna feel like that. Yeah, you're gonna your your music catalog is gonna expand Then people gonna will giggle at you and ship. You don't give a fuck then it's gonna expand again Then it's gonna expand again I remember going from heavy metal to shoday And going what the fuck is going like what the first two shoday albums that was a good brilliant and 85 fucking records, man Uh, just just amazing music and people go. I can't believe you have shoday I listen to the first two albums dog shoday will knock you fucking samslo, you know I remember buying rick james. I remember buying all different type of fucking music

My dad was dead. He would listen every he had me listen everything the Beatles one day The who the next metallica he was one of the he's one who called me up and told me about grunge When I was a kid because you got to hear this shit, man Like he fucking like he all will all that shit he would listen from you know The Beatles to like that fucking acid jazz type mahavish new Progressive jazz shit like all that stuff dude. You just listen everything and yeah, you you can if you really love music You can appreciate what's great about every facet of it like any type of genre anything it's like oh man And the Beatles at one point

You're talking about their solo shit I'm still not convinced that they weren't still writing with each other Even though they'd broken up and we're talking all this shit because their solo shit is still so fucking good You know what I mean, but I'm like if it finds out 10 years from now. Oh, by the way Yeah, we never we were all writing each other shit too back to like I would believe it because if you guys like music And we all do we really we really enjoy music. That's like you and I bonded with Chinese music music. Are you really like music? I wish that I was I had a very special music wise like I was very fortunate

They always people always talk about time machines. Oh man. It's fucking mom He was just looking at me like People always talk to me about music and different eras me. I'm an old man I'm out of touch and I gotta tell you something man If I could do it all over again if I could go to a time machine I'd want to get dropped in 1971. I was about say 71 or 72 No, I'm straight till 1980

Straight till when uh, john bottom died. Oh, yeah, right there. That was the end of it all right there And the Ozzy Osbourne came in all that stuff with heavy metal But I'm talking about when When Paul McCartney was dueling elton john when elton john ran this country and we've had this discussion Not with you on the podcast before, you know, I think I was on joes one time We're talking about when elton john ran this country, which was 72 To 77 He ran this country and then he was running things

But then paul mccartney would show up a band on the run and fucking all Loves me do songs and all this shit Then john lennon showed up with imagining and we're not we're not and we're still not talking about what led zeppelin And and the stones were doing and the shanker brothers and and the fucking, you know, pink florid was doing in 75 We're not even talking about all this. What you know, I watched that show the 70s on cnn They did specials with tom hanks produced them in 1973 this country spent two billion dollars on tickets And if you look at just tonight go home and google who was on tour in 1973 everybody everybody the heart

Heart was on tour, you know, everybody was on fucking tour. I mean that was the big thing You went to see everybody and nobody got all fucking tour. Yes You know all these bands the who everybody toured every two or three years the stones came what 71 73 75 Don't quote me on that But it was such a different fucking time and no matter and you know, some people like the Elvis era Some people say that Elvis era. I don't like the early stones the early Beatles or even the early stones as much Yeah, there's a part where the stones where they pick up and they just blow my fucking doors off. Yeah, man I you know what you know what my favorite stones is some girls

Which is a lot of people don't like it, but I fucking love miss you. Yeah, that's so miss you. Oh come on That was my freshman year dog. That shit took me some girls is the shit That shit took me apart that I was taking motherfuckers apart If you watch the beginning of a close range after Sean Penn has the beef They fucking do that song and you know and it takes you right when You know when you do the soundtrack to your life, you think of those summers You think every summer the biggest summer for me was you know, uh, peter frampton comes alive Yeah, Jesus christ. That was the summer of 76. No matter where you went

I still remember the summer when it was Hey, hey My my Badam badam badam Rock and roll will never die. That is this Badam badam badam These are your this is your biography. These are things that the footnotes is what you remember Whenever you're watching a movie and they go back and they flash back

What's the first thing they drop on you the music the music the music to bring you right back there Boom boom boom boom boom boom That's still a shit. That's still the 16 year old Steve Woodward. He was 16 singing that fucking song. That's what's crazy He's six imagine being 16 years old and singing the way he sang in that fucking song. That is crazy That's on Steve Wood. Oh, it was it. Um, yes, Spencer Davis. Give me some love and that's some love That is that is a fun. He's fucking 16 years old. They said he sounded like a Ray Charles I read something once and they were like he drove people crazy that jam when I was a little boy What year did that come out?

See what year that came out of Spencer Davis. I'm gonna say like what 67 And I'm so well this wikipedia says 2013, but that's not real I put the song on god damn it. Don't worry about wikipedia That fucking opening man, forget it I want to give a shot out to Michael and marcie johnson Send me a little package from my daughter some bows. They're up there in the bay area serving all of california sierra realty

925 628 might michael and marcie johnson. Thank you for the present from my daughter. It's beautiful hit it leave crazy people This is the best part for that organ I Was a little kid. I thought I was a circle Kill it leave there used to be a a bottle and james commercial with this with this in 1988

Fuck yeah, man, it was fucking tremendous. They showed like a a big hawaiian Cutting the pineapple and as soon as he cuts the pineapple and falls you get And they go 19 something some hawaiians thought how cool would it be if they added fruit to wine The fruit cooler and shit Oh, that's great That song still is the jam of all jams. It's freaking amazing. I love you've been doing comedy godly 1995 of some winner of 1995 for 20 years 20 years now

Congratulations on your special. Thank you. I saw it. I wanted to call you and I said, you know what? Thanks, man He's trying to promote it. I appreciate it means a lot to it means the world. Oh my god. I know how hard you've worked I know how hard you've worked and it's It's very for a hard time you were getting stroked in this business. Yeah sign you talk to you and then they disappear It's a fucking mind fucking you got some people to believe in you and You know, thank god for gabriel for oh, man. Gabriel is the he's such a saint there And he's just listen man successful people like that. No, they have to pass the buck and right and uh, Gabriel has a great attitude for work and uh

I'm happy you got together. Thank you. I'm gonna help steve. Simone. He helped you. Yeah, man He put you know, he he fought for me for the comedy central spot You know, these are the type of guys that'll work forever because They're they're great. They're just great people and I mean I gotta hand it to you because you've worked hard You've been through the ups and downs you've been fighting for fucking years duking it out back crazy girl friends, you know, the jersey Took a picture of your dick And then she didn't want to leave you alone and you got this little blonde that was 20 with long legs

You shoved the tongue up her ass and she couldn't take it no more. She's going back to Ohio So I can't take this no more back against freaking out putting tongues in my ass and whipping me at night I'm just a simple girl. I just want to suck it take some time to try to watch cartoons and play with a fucking little superhero Jerry's got me sucking his dick bent over Jerry's a little dirty freak dog, you know what happened? He's got he plows to these freaks In about a year. You'll see Jerry no more bracelets. She took everything the bracelets the indian fucking scarf The little christian chain And he's back on laurel canyons solo

His little fucking studio apartment over there. How many bitches have gone? You don't even have windows over there You just kill them and throw them out How long have you been with this about a year about a year in love that's it. Oh, she's great Yeah, man go for a living nothing yet. She just moved out here. So she's gonna figure that out all right, florida florida Yeah, yeah, she had drug problems and She loves smoking weed. I'll tell you Only this fucking gem up. Do you want to smoke some more hash?

No, no really I got We'll put a little hashish before you go home. I don't want to send you home all straight and shit. I'm not straight, bro It's not a port at one out on the internet. You're what it's not a port at one on the internet Look at the shape of you And you only ate a hundred milligrams and I told you Seven hundred You wait a hundred. Yeah, right. You eat a hundred million. I said two fifties

You ate a hundred and fifty milligrams sure What are you saying? I don't want to smoke some more hash. No, it's not enough It's not enough for me All right I'm very proud of you. Jerry. Thank you so much. I want to have you on tonight because I really appreciate that man. Thank you people think There's no timeline on an art No, no, no, there's no timeline on an art and and as long as you going

If you're getting into comedy and you're going after six years if I don't make it I'm quitting. Fuck joey dears. Listen, man Six years is when you start to understand the game a little bit As much as you think you're fucking Milton burrow You don't know dick. You don't know dick at six years and at 10 years You don't really know dick again. You think like I got this. You don't really know dick You know, you start really putting it together at 16, right? And then you really start getting good I mean burr's been around for fucking years. Nobody knew that's a bash has been around for 15 fucking years

Ralphie's been around for 25 fucking years, you know, dang cooks been around for 20 fucking years You know, you just think these people came out of nowhere. I don't know it's never like that So but again, you know, whether you're a guitar player a fucking drummer You want to be a sound tech a producer? These are all the ingredients that go into this. It's time patience. You got to live in the studio apartment You got to run through fucking women and throw them out from time to time Sometimes they take your cat You know, sometimes they take your dog. I went through that shit. They took my dog twice

Those fucking women fucking savage evil. Oh, you gave me the best advice ever though. Well, I'll never forget this We're talking about that like how you know, hey, you basically said there's no timetable years ago We're talking about this and you said as long as you're still Going up at night and doing comedy in LA You're in the fight. You're in it. You're you're swinging. That's all that matters So you want to be up there swinging and that's that's all that matters Like if you can continue to do that and that's I think the difference is a lot of people when they don't have that all It didn't happen for me in six years. They leave or they quit or they walk away

It's like, well, you don't let the miracle you didn't let the miracle happen, right? You didn't believe in the miracle you didn't believe in yourself Which is the fucking biggest thing before the work before quitting your job before telling your mom to suck your dick Moving out of the basement before all these things What makes you do all these things with confidence? Yeah is the belief It's when I go to my best friend Lee and I go I quit my job today, right and Lee's like, how'd you fucking do it, man? Aren't you worried and you look at Lee and you go, no, it's all gonna work out. You know, so I'm a friend of mine He's paying 5

thousand a month for rent Where it doesn't matter and I go, how are you making that nut he goes believe in that The first month I had a hard time And a guy called me from 10 years ago for a writing job. We got it. We picked up a year boom book And it's it's it's gonna cover the fucking red and the spread and everything for a year and a half Find something else. Yeah, sometimes you got to put yourself in that position You know if something happens you need three thousand a month. All of a sudden you start making three thousand You figure how to do it. All of a sudden you put six grand up. All of a sudden you start figuring out how to make fucking six grand

It's very Uh, it's true. I don't know how to even describe it. It's a certain belief That you have to uh having yourself to get into any of this shit Whether you go to vocational school to become a plumber nobody becomes a plumber overnight No comes on electrician overnight. I'm a mechanic. No that's a mechanic overnight. Look at the shape of this fucking How exciting is it like when you start like? noticing making you're making money like I don't even think it's for me when it like because I still don't make you know

I'm not like rolling and don't or anything like that But you know what it is what's exciting is when you know, you're getting better Like that's what's awesome is when you all of a sudden when you start Finishing shows you're like holy shit like fuck man. That was that was like way But then for me it happened about seven years in I don't know if you remember that feeling that you get after when all of a sudden You know, you would always do okay. That's why you kept doing it. But then one night You just destroy and like Everything works right and those are rare sets

But when you don't talk about those nights where it doesn't matter what and also you're like, oh, wow I just did that like shit. That's the best feeling that's better than any paycheck You're gonna get but it is that moment when you start realizing I'm actually good at like I'm actually getting good at this I actually know how to do this like I'm actually that's the fucking untouchable feeling one of my biggest highlights I started in 91 and from 91 to 93 I was uh I was that guy that always had a card

I'm a comedian, but I would cancel every gig When I was in new york I'd stop in harlem and get a bag of coke and do a line and not show up at the gig I really was but when I realized the work that had to go into it I said, okay now it's time to roll up my sleeves Right. I for me to do this professionally. Yeah, and to make a living I gotta tell you what my first highlight was and it had nothing to do with money So this is I was going through hell. I'm going through hell my ex-wife. I'm living on the fucking floor, right, you know My job sucks

I'm not making child support. I'm you know, my child support 700. I'm coming up with 550 You know, it's just a horrible time in my fucking life and I'll never forget going jimmy a beta called me up and then he goes. Hey, man. I got this bar. It pays 50 bucks Why don't you come do 15 minutes and I'm like sweating like 15 minutes Like that was fucking but I had something, you know I'm broke like an improvise Like that's the bed. That's the hardest thing to do and if you can do that Oh man, it's a mess when I first started counting. I refused to write material right crowd work crowd work and improvise

Yeah, talk then talk shit And I'll never forget we went to some bar one night, you know It was any like for me now. I would go in there and go Jesus Christ But then, you know, you're a superstar. I'm going to poke a tello. I don't fucking a man. Where you going next week? I'm going to new york. Where you going poke a tello bitch? Fuck Well, I think that's maybe more what I meant not necessarily money But like when you started booking more and more gigs. No, no, no, but here's the moment that killed me We were at this bar on a wednesday night

Jimmy better goes go up there into 20 minutes And I went up there and you know, usually I would be on a fucking stop watch, right? Three minutes, you know in those days, right on, you know, it's like when I go to jiu-jitsu the first two years I would try to avoid sparring. Okay. I gotta go. Yeah technique and shit and One night I did really well And they finally gave me the light and when I got all four comics were waiting for me like young guys that I came right And they were high five me that was fucking great

And Jimmy better comes on a good bro. You did 38 minutes another best And I go, no, I didn't he goes. Yes, you did. He goes. I was outside. It's getting high. I forgot to give you the light And I don't know if I get getting in my car And that to me was the highest moment of my fucking career When you do when you do a set like you said, let's say you're supposed to do 20 and you do like 25 30 So 38 right and you destroy and then you get off stage And you didn't even get to tell like five jokes that you were hoping you know what I mean? That's the best feeling I remember going home and I'll tell you what exactly I did in those days

There was a comic newspaper and in the back of it. It had all the It had all the top Clubs in the country had every club in the country just the last But there was also a Judy Carter book that I had sure and it had uh, you know all the agencies in LA And I remember that night I went home and circled agency Like I was ready The performance you're getting a call from me tomorrow. I did 38 minutes Had ring goes eight ball in last night. Oh

Like I thought I was the shit but that moment like the money for me Never really matters. I knew when I got in there. I eliminated the money from my mind I did that going in because I didn't want to have no inclinations that I was going to make The first time I read real money doing comedy was nine years and eight years and I booked a bell commercial And I must have made a small fucking fortune a hundred grand in eight months So I made 80 something 60 grand like from All no I made 80 grand from august to december nice

With a taco bell commercial at the beginning because they didn't know the dog was going to get hot So they couldn't plan it during the world series a spots a spots a spots. I'm in clark Making get that shade spots because a spots where people don't know when you get like A rotation like you have cable cable pay like 3 000 for 90 days on limit. That's what when you have cable Like the pay channels you see your commercial 20 times The the real one cbs abc fox when your show comes on at eight o'clock. Shit commercial comes on eight o'clock Shit, that's when you buy the whole bar around give her a big round

And if you see that commercial again at eight thirty five give her a big another Because I just made like three thousand you really do that's amazing. They put you on an a rotation So the first commercial 750 the second one's a thousand 12 50 15 So if your commercial hits four times in two hours You made three thousand fucking dollars and when it's when they use the cycle it starts all over again And also when you're getting checks from december 8th to december 18th you made like 6200 You're like, what the fuck that's so badass. I'm surprised more comedians don't do that Because the commercial you could make so much money from the commercial

And listen, Ari started his fortune with commercial. Yeah, Ari should feel you using a ton of them. I remember that He was great and I'm sure they would get mad at him if he left town Like when he would work with rogue and they call him up. Don't get on that plane because they find them something That's how good Ari was. Yeah, Ari was great. There was maybe four people that one year There's a black guy that books all the commercial right the highest paid commercial guy. Yeah, Ari was like number nine one year Yeah He booked the Kia commercial First off, let me give some fucking things so we get the fuck out of here on it

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We're gonna have celebrity guests coming in all fucking night. We got some chick coming in We might be here from eight for like three or four in the morning So get ready for a long night. If I was you I wouldn't even go on a work fucking Monday calling sick Get a hit of hats and get some heroin. We're gonna have a fucking intercontinental Thanks for having an intercontinental show. When does the special come out my brother? October 17 on fuse fuse the gentleman jerry rocha Check it out. Thanks for having me, bro. Oh, brother. I'm very proud of you. Thanks, buddy I'm the bottom of my heart. Thank you. Fuck it out. You can go back to taxes like the rest of these jammal You fucking got balls of steel. Thanks. Thank you for being a man. Of course. Thank you. What's up with you?

Cochle, what are you doing this weekend? I I what? I don't know what I'm doing this weekend But I had your buddy dearest, you know in my podcast today very nice We only do jump up and down and shit. I can't tell people about where you're gonna be I'm not gonna be nowhere next week. I'm in minneapolis at the house of comedy on the 15th thursday friday saturday And the week after that i'm in fort lottlodale florida with dick sciat. We're gonna hang out He's so excited or we're bringing stars of death. We're doing everything. I'm getting I called the chick yesterday

She said i'll suck his dick. So we're gonna get your dad's Stuff My dad and a nice jewish guy and he watches all joey's stuff So he calls me. He's like, oh, I watch all joey's stuff and I want to talk to him about it But every time I see him he gets me so messed up on the edibles. I can't talk That's great Do you want a little bit of hash? No I'll come

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