Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #325 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 15, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off and free shipping in the USA and Canada   Recorded live on 10/14/2015.   Music:   Def Leppard - Another Hit and Run Curtis Mayfield - Freddie's Dead'

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Alpha Brain, New Mood, Strongbone, Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom Tech Sport, it's Code Word Church to get 10% off. The church of what's happening now, little old school death leprosy, it's an old school show tonight, just me and Lisa, it's an old school death leprosy for you motherfuckers. Are you fucking nuts, 1981 and it's still fucking relevant? What's going on there? Everything all right there? Everything's great man.

How are you? Good, good, good. Recovering from that acid took a few days. That shit was fucking strong Jack and the original plan was just to drop two off the back. Thank God. Thank God. Two hits?

Oh my God. Fold them and give them to everybody. Just fold them. You thought it was number one. I gotta tell you man, I'm happy I didn't eat two of them. Yeah me too. But we had a fun time. I don't really want to do that shit anymore.

That shit fucked with me. That shit fucked with my emotions. That's what it's supposed to do guys. Is it really? Okay. For a few days it takes you, if it's good acid, you're supposed to be thinking about it. For a day or two, for a day or two if you smoke you see some fucking shit moving from time to time.

It's kind of weird when it sticks in your body. You know, like I said I used to do it all the time as a kid and I loved it and cocaine came along and that was my, my acid story but. I couldn't believe you fell asleep like every, all the times I've taken that I'm up to like five in the morning. 130, bam. Out. Oh my God.

I got up like at three. I got back to sleep again before the fucking speed wakes me up. I could sleep on all that shit. Oh Jesus Christ. It was fun. It, I don't know what I thought but when I was growing up and drugs are supposed to be bad you think every drug is gonna be different and so far everything that I've done is kind of the same.

It's just, it keeps getting a little bit stronger. Like mushrooms are a little bit stronger than weed and then acid is a little bit stronger than fucking mushrooms. I think that we do that everyone and you'll really see what it's all fucking about. You'll sit there and he'll let Zeppelin play and there's not a fucking harmonica a mile away from you. So. Jesus.

I had a, I don't know. I'm usually pretty positive. I like to believe in people but I keep seeing these articles and someone sent me this article today about how they can't get a job as a lawyer and they're working for like minimum wage and complaining and it, like I don't know why but it set me off today because when I was in college there was a thing out here about NBC interns had complained about working at SNL or maybe I was right out of college and everyone in the industry, all they could talk about was how they're never gonna get a job because you, you don't air dirty laundry

like that and you don't complain and it's just, I get a lot of stuff from people about how it's hard to find jobs and I understand that it is hard to find a job but I also think if you're good at what you do and you work hard, you might, you're gonna have to start at the bottom which is what we were talking about a few weeks ago that everyone thinks when they get out of college their job is gonna be their dream job and it's probably not and I don't know why but that article, it just got, like it set me off this morning. I'm really, like, bumming up. What was the article about?

It was just this guy who went to law school and has three degrees and thought he was gonna be making so much money and now he, he was complaining, oh, like I went to a job interview and I didn't hear back for a month and I didn't get it and I was like, everyone goes through that. It just, I don't know why but. Again, you can't find the fucking job, you gotta do a checklist. Right. Okay, you gotta do a checklist.

Number one, are you applying for the job at 1130? You're applying for the job at 801. You know, I mean, if you know that there's a job available, listen, a thousand people send in a resume. Right. You gotta be a little fucking with you. You gotta go down there. You gotta get on there, you gotta fucking get a hold of the guy and put it in his hand

and I know you're going, Joey, you don't even know what it's like out there. I know, I know what it's like to get a fucking job. I know what it's like to be out there and hustling. You know, if you're gonna send resumes ten a week from your fucking computer and sit there in your underwear and your fucking t-shirt, you're never gonna get a job. Right. If the same shit everybody else is doing, you're never gonna get a job. If they're sending a cover letter and whatever, you gotta send a cover letter and a note of

what you've done and, you know, handwritten. Right. You gotta do the shit that nobody else is doing. I have a soft spot for people, you know, I have a soft spot for people as a human being. Right. But there's a job out there waiting for you. You're just not looking hard enough. You know, you can't tell me you've been looking for a job for a year and you're broke.

There's jobs out there. If you want to work, there's a fucking job. Create your own fucking job. Get a truck and whatever the fuck you do, borrow money from your father as a college student. What else? You're already in debt. Right.

You know, even if you gotta just pick up wood and fucking sell bottles, there's always a job. Okay? It's how you go looking for that fucking job that gets people. You know, I had felonies. I got the felony in 87. I wasn't a job market pretty much until 90 fucking six or seven. Yeah.

How did I accomplish that? I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. By the time they find out I got a felony, I'm such a good fucking worker, they just rip up the sheet. Right. And that's when I first came out here, people always complain about working for free and I've talked about it.

I don't think people should get swindled. But when you first are starting out, you're going to do an internship. You're going to, like I got asked to work nights on my internship for free coming in until five in the morning. And I said, yes. And these jobs aren't bad, but the people that I deal with are like my friends from home who have given up on finding a job in their field and like they're still working at the jobs that we work that together in high school, which at least they have a job.

But I can't imagine going to school for four years and after six months of looking for a job, it's like, that's what people do because they find that one thing. It's called work. Yeah. People don't want to work. People get the least possible for the most possible and I don't blame you, but somewhere in there we have to work. Last night we had a very interesting conversation at the store before somebody got shot.

You are in Johnny Rock. Yeah. That's what they think about it. Doing comedy and falling in love. Okay. Here you are. 26, 27. You're a comedian on stage.

Some women think that's sexy or send you meet a girl. You fall in love. Where does your work ethic go? It's always been, that's when I look at people the hardest. When I go, how does the work ethic go? That's the number one killer of young kids. And I did it. Yeah.

But I always knew that I didn't have a backup plan. So I had to go to fucking work or I had to sell drugs. There's nothing wrong with falling in love. But in the last couple of years amongst my young friends, I've seen them, it just, they just cut off. And I don't mind somebody falling in love, but you still have to keep your dream alive because sooner or later, the fucking money runs out. Yeah.

And the dinners run out. And also in reality, it's like she realizes she's with a fucking bum. It totally happened to me. It's when you, like, I don't know, for me, when I first started dating Paula, I had the TV job and I was doing this and I had tons of money. I was doing great. And then I stopped doing the TV thing and we had fun and it's not like we had a talk, but then also like you just start looking at the bank one day and you used to have a

certain amount. Now that's half of that. Now that's half gone. And at least for me and every, like every few weeks, I'll notice maybe I'm being a little bit lazy because who doesn't like to be lazy? Like it would be, I know it's not even, it's never been in my world. I never understood. I could look at somebody's body type and no, I can see a fat person and no, that's a fat

guy that eats or that's a fat guy who sits on his fucking ass. I could tell just by looking at it. So, so, OK, so if you had 20 million bucks, let's just say you wouldn't just sit at home all day, watch TV and go do comedy at night. Not even close. Jesus. It's against who the fuck I am, totally against who the fuck I am. I don't even know that world.

I wouldn't try to kill myself to make more money, but I'm still out of the house at night on one. Doing what? Whatever it takes to keep me alive, working out, training, jumping jacks, meeting with people, helping somebody, right? You don't think you relax a little bit? Not even close. Wow.

I don't believe them. I only watch TV when I get home from my night from doing comedy. At the end of the night, I'll watch TV. Yeah. I was trained at the age of 18, there's no TV in the daytime. There's no TV. There's no TV. Everything comes first.

If I have an opportunity to make $3, there's no baseball game in my life. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. So what never happened? What happened when you said you fell in love and you started slacking? What happened in your life? I just, I don't know, I always kept my dream in mind.

That's what the conversation last night was about, that keeping your dream in line. Yes, you're in love, and yes, she wants to do this. When I moved here with Carol, okay, when I first moved to LA with Carol, I knew one thing. I knew that. Let me tell you what I thought. I knew I wasn't talented enough to be here, so I knew I had no time to fuck around. I looked at the comics that were poppy at the time, and I wasn't even close to them.

Look-wise, age-wise, material-wise, so I knew I had to do what the other guy wasn't doing. I still remember, like, fucking fighting, because Carol moved to LA to invite her family out of here, and every 30 days, some other fucking moron came out and we go to Disneyland. And there's no Disneyland in my world. There's no Venice in my world. There's no nothing. Not during the week. There's business.

I don't know how you could go to Venice on a Thursday at 10 o'clock, unless you're on vacation from your job, but even then, in the world we're independent contractors, okay? I don't know how you could go to Venice Beach, hold hands, and walk around, look at the fucking beach on a Wednesday or two. That's not even in my head. Is any of it- okay, so how long were you out of prison by the time you moved to LA? Almost close to, let me see, 11 years, 12 years. Do you think going to prison, like, I want to say rock bottom?

No. My mother. My mother had a thing at the house. You had to get up. You got to get up. I don't give a fuck what time you came in. Get up. Come on.

Let's go. Look outside. Well, look at the sun. There's something you've got to be done. When I was a kid, I had a weird working effect. I always knew I had to work. I always loved working, but it wasn't until the seventh grade where my spick mentality worked as it came in, and I still watched basketball to learn the moves, but I would

watch basketball with a notebook and a pen, and I would write down moves that somebody would do, and right after the game, whether the game ended at one in the morning or the game ended at two in the afternoon, I ran to the park to try those moves. There was no two basketball games. I can't sit there for two games. I picked one of the two. The Sixers against the Knicks, they got good forwards, let me get a notebook, and I'd do the fucking moves.

I'd write them out. I was a really bad basketball player, and we went on fucking seventh grade when I got left back, and that next year, after I got left back, my life changed. My life changed. But in that process, I watched TV as a kid. I watched TV on Saturdays, but I watched TV after I cleaned to help my mom. My mom would wake me up on Saturdays, I'm telling you, we got to get up the later. My mom would do laundry, the lady would iron it, and while my mom was doing laundry, we

were cleaning. Okay. And I'm talking about pulling the couch out, vacuum in, wiping the walls down, wiping the tables down, that type of shit. Then you went out. I got a great work ethic, because I saw the results in the seventh grade. I saw myself as the worst basketball player in the world one year, and the following year, I was a 13 or 15-year-old all-star.

So right then, I learned about hard work. I couldn't jump like everybody else. I didn't have a body like everybody else. I didn't have no speed. I had quickness, but no speed. So I worked on the things that I was bad at. I would do sprints every day for who goes out in the courtyard when they're 13, when everybody else is playing.

When I got better at basketball, I would leave my house at nine, and I would ride my bike up the hill, that cemetery, all the way to the projects, and I would take 300 jump shots before the day even started. 300 jump shots, like Jerry West did when he was growing up and where the fuck he grew up. And then I'd practice moves, and then I'd go down to the court and play basketball for two or three hours. I'd go home, drink some Kool-Aid, make a steak, and I was back at the court by five o'clock

to catch that five to eight. I know you said your mom, but what about everyone else around you? Because, I mean, I would say at least for now, right now, that's not the norm like that. Because even for me, I think I'm a hard worker. If I had won the lottery, I would still do podcasts, but I don't think I would go on more vacations in the lacks. No, there's no... It would take the stress off you to make a daily payment, but you still got to...

If you stop using it, you lose it. There's no retiring anymore. People used to retire at 64, force retiring. People know now, the smart old people know, if they retire, they're going to die. They're going to die. You know what I'm saying? You still do something part-time. You see those people are Walmart, they're the greeters, and shit like that.

They know you got to keep sharp. It was never about prison or hitting rock bottom for me. I always knew about work ethic, but then when I turned 19 and my mom died, I found out you need work ethic, because there was nobody there to hand me a 20 or a 10. People let me live at their house for 35 a week or 40 a week. That's 160. I still got to come up with the fucking envelope. How do you plan on raising mercy?

Let's say you make a ton of money and you have that. Everyone around me who I think has parents doing that, giving them money, are the people who might say they can't find jobs, because my parents didn't give me... They helped me with college, but I never once took money from them since I left their house. My wife has a great work ethic. My wife could work all fucking day. My wife is working right fucking now, as we speak. My wife goes to the gym.

My wife has a great work ethic. I have a great work ethic. The reason why I want to move out of this fucking shit area is because I don't want my daughter growing up with kids that think they have something coming to them. This area is filled with these little douchebags, because the parents act this way. This is Studio City. These people like writers, who knows what they make, but they make them more in a natural average.

So right away, the wives get fucking crazy. They got a Range Rover and they double park. My husband is the head writer on Breaking Bad. How about I smack you in the fucking mouth? You know, you're not supposed to talk like that. You're supposed to set an example as a woman. Now walk around with fucking yoga pants and double park at the coffee shop. We see it all the time at that fucking place.

We see women pull up behind it and they don't give a fuck. My husband's a head writer. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? You think someone in Iowa gives a fuck? In Iowa, they'll say, get that fucking car and move it. We don't give a fuck if your husband's a writer and fuck you with your yoga pants at 10 o'clock with a diamond looking all dolled up to do fucking yoga, to go talk to these

other worthless women about what? About what? Right? About what? So I don't want that in my life with my daughter. I want my daughter coming home and going to somebody's house and coming home and going home. So they got a corvette at fucking eight.

Why don't I have a fucking corvette? Even if I had the money to buy a corvette, I would never give her a fucking corvette. I would pave the way for her and help her to do what she does on her own. But I wanted to know that one day my life's gonna get shut out or her mother's life's gonna get shut out. And that's the scariest proposition for anybody is knowing that you're alone in this world. So I want you to learn every fucking aspect like I did at 14 and what I do. When Mercy's 10, if I'm still alive and the mother's still alive, Mercy will get an allowance.

But she's gonna have to do something every week for that allowance. Oh yeah. Absolutely. There's no filing paperwork, sending out t-shirts, going over the pod. I don't give a fuck. Find the job. This is your 50 a week or your 20 or your 30, whatever you give fucking kids. Like this is what you need to do.

My mom did it with me. I had a clean tampon boxes, you ever go in a ladies' bathroom and they got those boxes next to the toilet in the fucking 70s, I had to stick my hand there in gloves, there's no gloves. There's no gloves. Stick your fucking hand in there. I had to clean toilets with a fucking scrub, no gloves, clean the urinals and put ice in them.

And then I had to sweep the front, sweep the pool, sweep the pool where the pool table was. Roll the chairs out, sweep that, mop that, even after she did it. She didn't give a fuck. She was proving a point. She was proving a point. I had to fill the beers with ice and stop the ice in paper. Takes an hour.

All that I just described to you takes 50 fucking minutes if you do it. And one day when I was eight, I figured it out. It could take me three hours, but it could take me 50 minutes. So I started doing it in 50 minutes and I learned that fuck. So I used to come in here at 9.30 and I wouldn't get, I'd be talking bullshit and thinking how bad my life was, my friends are playing, but my friends didn't have $20 in that fucking pocket. Oh, you didn't like it?

I loved, I loved doing that. I didn't like it until I realized my friends were broke. They weren't accomplishing nothing. Right. And I was picking up at 20. So in the summers, I picked up a yardstick every week at the age of eight or nine, plus people come in, throw me a 10 who wouldn't hit the number who would say, get this out of my car and throw me a five dollar bill.

You're always on point. Right. And that's, you know, I don't, I've come in here on a Monday and said stuff to you about your weekend, like how you can sit there and watch nine episodes on a Friday and I get your point. But on the other point, that's when you're going to look at your girl and go, we're doing one episode and then we're going to go on where we're going, we're going to go exercise and eat and do shit.

And then we'll come back at 12. You'll suck my dick. We'll watch another episode, then at three we'll go somewhere else. But to just sit there for nine hours, I never understood that. I never met nobody who's done that. Oh, that's, I would not even hang out with people if they did something like that. Well, then you wouldn't have any friends now. No, no, no, no, no, I don't want those people around me.

I don't want those people. Listen, one of the richest guys I know is one of the hardest working guys. I know his name is Joe Rowe. You don't stop. You don't stop. And he's got kids. There's not, you call him up on a Sunday and see if he watches nine episodes, anything. Right.

And that's what successful people do. That's what successful people do. I really don't give a fuck what my wife wants to do every weekend. I have a family. When I have a family, I care what she wants to do. But if my wife comes to me on a Saturday and we would date and go, we're going to Marina Del Rey, then I don't know what you're talking about. I got something to fucking edit.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't have four hours to jet. And there's money on the table. There should never be money on the table. And there always is. Right. I don't know what you're talking about. So what, when you look at the millennials, like people 20 to 30 now, what do you think?

What do you think that happened in 30 years? They're going to be sucking dick in 10 years. I don't even know what millennials are. I don't care. I don't. I don't really give a Frenchman's fuck. You were a human being. Right.

You were a human being. You got problems. You got bills and you have dreams and aspirations. It doesn't really change. For me, it doesn't change whether you were born in 1990, 2000, doesn't change. You're a human being. You have needs. You want to have dreams.

Your dream is to sit on the fucking couch and watch fucking television, 10 hours or some fucking football game. You want to watch your football game for a quarter or two, but you're always moving. It's on, but you're rocking. Yeah. That's hard to learn. You're rocking. It's on.

It's on. I can hear it, but I'm writing the joke. I got an earphone in less than a death lepid. You know what I'm saying? That's what, that's what, you know, and we're talking about two or three young kids. I became friends of last year that when I met them, they were out every night. Johnny, Rock and Rizzo were a two man combination, three, four sets a night. All you had to do was call him and go, Rizzo, where are you going to?

I'm going here, here, here, then I'm going to King Taco, then it ended. No more videos. No more. None. I asked him last night, where's Rizzo? He goes, Rizzo's in love. He doesn't even leave fucking Orange County no more. I can't understand that.

How he traded that? As you're at, listen, it's very hard to describe love to somebody or how a man reacts to something. But let me tell you the bottom line, okay, and this is what, this is what you learned over the fucking years. There comes a day where you, my marriage didn't last, not because I was a fucking great marriage guy because I was a piece of shit and I didn't put time into the marriage, but this one lasted because I went into this relationship a lot different than any others. But one thing I did since day one that I learned from all my other prior relationships that

didn't work is I put my foot down, not as Joe Diaz, but as a man. This is what I do and this is how I do it and this is the only way it's going to work. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm telling you that this is how it's going to work. When I first started dating Terry, I loved Terry from day one, but I had a problem and I didn't want to involve Terry in my problem. She was so sweet.

I was just dating Terry, but I'll get Terry on this podcast right now. First four Christmases, I didn't see Terry. Fourth of July, I don't know what you're talking about. Your mom's birthday? I don't give a fuck who your mom is. That's got nothing to do with me. None of that shit mattered because I had a dream. She was my girlfriend, but I had a dream.

Now she had a job to do as my girlfriend and she had my back. This is my dream. The same thing if it was the other way around. That's what most people don't understand. My wife understood it because she worked at the county store and she's seen these guys coming in seven nights a week and she saw the work ethic. My work ethic when I came to town was you get a TV show at any level of it and you stop doing comedy at the county store.

And then I met a guy by the name of Joe Rogan that I won't give out a salary on news radio. He was making a lot of money. And I don't know if you know much about the fucking TV show. OK, Mondays you go for wardrobe. Tuesday you go back. You refit into wardrobe for the director. You have a table read. Then Wednesday you do a run through.

Then Wednesday night you do another run through all fucking day. Ten run throughs a day with a director for notes. Then Thursday you do the run through for the director and the producers. Then Thursday afternoon you do a run through for the fucking network. Then Friday you come in again, read it again. Now with all the rewritten shit. Then you do a run through or another run through another run through. Then at six o'clock you tape in front of a live audience.

And that could take two hours for a half hour show or four hours for a half hour show. Do you know that Joe Rogan at the end of that week would still show up for his fifteen dollar spot at the county store? That's crazy. That's work ethic, but that's the reason why he is where he is today. And I learned that in 1999, 1998. When I looked at him do that, I go, I get it now. This is an endless battle.

There's never really a day off. If you're an independent contractor, have you worked for somebody and that's what you accepted here in your life? I'm paying you twelve bucks an hour. You're going to come in Monday through Friday, eight to five. Then whatever you want to do on Saturday and Sunday is your priority. Right. But even then, if you're under 30, I can't see you on a couch on Thursday and Friday

on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Now you're taking care of your dream. Well, my dream is to shoot arrows or to fucking be a jiu-jitsu guy with the play the harmonica. But that's a hard part about the eight to five is by like for me. When I got to Thursday and Friday, I was like, fuck, I want to go out. Yeah, fuck that. You're right. You're right. You go out one night. You throw your whole week off.

Yeah. Twenty. You don't. When you're 20, you start blowing. You eat somebody's ass. You're foaming them out and you're still at work the next day and eight in the morning, at least I know I was. But that's when you're 20, you have a dream. You have a dream. What rest? What sleep are you talking about?

What ten day vacation? What I've seen so many people throw away lives, throw away careers by getting married. And you know what? What you're telling me when they do that in mid career, you're telling me this is my excuse to back out. What? What about 80% of the guys I've met in the last 20 years who got married. This is I had a friend that was out here on fire, on fire, but I could see that he was one of those guys that it was a race for him.

It wasn't a marathon. And I could see it starting one day. He told me I'm getting married. I go, when are you getting married? And he goes, I'm getting married at the end of October. That's prime time season. You know what I'm saying? And when he told me he's getting married out of town, I go, I get going on a honeymoon.

This is a guy that always cried and complained about nothing was going on for him. Then they got married and I never saw two people gain more weight in my life. They lived in a one bedroom. They couldn't even get out. I went over there one day, they both tried to get out the door together. They couldn't get out. They almost got stuck. And he would always complain to me that you couldn't do spots here unless you were

Guido, you couldn't do spots here unless you were a fucking this. But at night, I would call him, where were you at? I had my wife watching the fucking whatever they were fucking watch. Whatever the fuck they would watch. Then they moved out of Hollywood to the valley. And I knew right there that it was the one step and within a year they were back where they both came from. And now he's doing whatever the fuck it is because they use it as an out.

As an out. This is my excuse. All I had married and got kids. Who gives a fuck? You still got a fucking dream every day, don't you? You would think so. But this is your out. So what is it about marriage?

Because not everyone does that. Like, but like, what is it about marriage that you think? It's not, I don't know. I don't know. I know when, when I met Terry, I stuck to my guns. I didn't want what happened with Carol to happen with Terry. So no more comedy clubs, no chicks at comedy clubs with me, no dates to comedy clubs, you don't need to come know what, that's my job.

I really put my foot down with Terry, even though it bothered me and it annoyed her in a way until she understood. I didn't want to go to a fucking comedy show. She would tell me, I didn't want to fucking go. This is what I'm saying to you. I'm going to bring you there like my gun mall to do what? To stand the back, listen to guys talk. She don't need to be there.

Right. You know, the biggest mistakes I ever made was when I brought Carol on the road with me on a physical road trip. Biggest fucking mistake. What happened? Biggest, biggest mistake. I'm not in the top ability of my game. I'm catering to somebody.

I'm tired. Let's take a nap. Let's walk around. I don't want to fucking walk around. I got a show tonight. I got two fucking shows tonight. Walking around and you go through the two shows and now you suck both shows because you were wasting time walking around like you're a tourist.

You're not a tourist. You let her do work. You're following, trying to say to you. So when I hooked up with Terry, I learned my lesson from Carol. Now, over the years, if you know what's going to happen, I'm not going to say I'm not saying this to you. What's going to happen? I'm just explaining to you what could happen.

Right. One day, this chick you love comes home and tells you you're fucking done. Not the first thing you're going to think about all the dumb shit you did. Yeah. You're going to think of all that dumb shit that you sacrificed to do dumb shit. You're going to sit there and go, what the fuck was that? An asshole. I was saying about some of my exes.

And now when you hook up with the next one, you're not going to bring that luggage with you. You're going to go, I'm never doing that again. From now on, I'm sticking to my guns. When I started dating Terry, I was 30 something years old. I'm 52. I've been with her 15 years. So 37, I already knew how I was going to tame that animal.

And that's why I tell people little things. I tell you little things. I tell the Augustine little things because I figured out 37. It was a bit too fucking late. I keep my business and my relationship separate. I keep them set. She don't need to be at the economy, so she don't need to be hanging out. I'm coming right home.

I don't, you follow me. There's so many fucking little things, but I also stuck to my guns. Right. Did you ever like worry about those things? But then it turns out that they, like they would have supported you. Like the first time we did asset after our show, I told you, I got like really paranoid, like that, that she like, I should let her be with a normal guy. And then I went and spoke to her and I was like, Hey, I'm going to have

to be working more and I'm like, can't come out. I can't hang out on Friday during the day. And she couldn't have been cooler. And I was like, it was almost like I, I had her head. What's Friday during the day? Because this is what you don't seem to understand. I call you at eight. We talk at seven 30 right from there.

The day's up. Right. I don't know what the fuck you do till 10, but gone. So on a Friday. Okay. Right. Now this is what I don't, this is what I'm saying to you. If you pick her up on a Friday, let's say you pick up Thursday night.

Yeah. T-Tomorrow night, you pick her up at nine. You take her to dinner, you give her a stab and you go home and watch a movie. Hey, you got to bring her home. You got to take her home. Don't leave her at the house waiting for you a meter later because not on the back of your mind and you can't focus on what you got to focus on. I'll call you when I call you.

Two 30. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know if I knew that I wouldn't be with you. I'd be at the track betting trifectas. There's time for work and there's time for play. So you're in love. Right. Listen to what I'm going to do.

I'm going to make a fucking, I'm going to, I'm going to split it down the middle. I'm not going to work fucking eight hours, but I'm going to work the best four hours I've ever worked. Know what that means Lee? That you got to be here at nine 15. You got to be at the gym at eight, not eight 10, not eight oh one eight. You got to drive her home at seven 30 out breakfast on the ride, a protein shake, lift here till 12 30 stop and fucking it out.

Get a burger, go home, pick her up at one. You got the whole day with it. You can still catch a movie at one 40 at the fucking Sonic or Burbank or whatever the fuck you knew for a four o'clock. That's completely different than sitting there like Zombo on a Friday from 10 to eight rubbing your feet till six. And then you go out and get Mexican food. You didn't earn a dime.

You didn't earn a dime. No, and follow me. So there's a, what's it called? There's a compromise for everything. Oh, and I totally agree with you, but in my head, like you think like I would imagine her getting, getting mad, I don't, but then I talked about it. You know, here's the best state of mind. You don't give a fuck.

You don't really give a fuck if she gets mad. It's got nothing to do with you. You have a job to do and that's all you need to think about. Always remember that. Always remember that. You have a job to do. I, you think I worry about Terry when I come here three and I don't really give a fuck what she thinks I have a job to do.

I don't have time to worry about some of these emotions. This isn't a popularity contest. This is fucking life. This is fucking life. And if they come to you and they say, that hurts my feelings, then sit them down and go, this is what this is. This is motherfucking life. You like when I come back and bring the burritos at 11, who you think pays for

that, the fucking wind? You think that just comes out of the, this is what you need. You need the Gitas to make it happen. Without no Gitas, there's no love. It's too fucking idiot sitting there and one day she sees you for what you are and now you dumped, you quit your job, you stopped doing your accounts, you play, no, you always take care of your paper. If they don't like it, then you got to find a new woman.

Yeah, you got to find a new fucking man. I never, never, let me tell you what happened last weekend. So last weekend I got two calls. Uh, a great jujitsu guy was doing a seminar in Sherman Oaks. I love this guy. And then I got a call from my friend, everybody in that BJJ hotel and he goes, we have a seminar at two o'clock. Now I knew this Saturday I was going to be gone for two weeks.

When I leave tomorrow, that my wife has that little fucking living human kettlebell for three days. It's a big day. Friday is a big day for her. My wife goes to yoga for an hour, wanna watch as a, but after that, Saturday all day, you're with Mercy. That's carrying her, picking her up tantrums. She wants to throw the ball.

She wants macaroni and cheese. And then Sunday I come in and I have it for an hour and then I take a nap. I'm tired from the night before. So I have to compromise. So the first thing I did last week is go, are you going to yoga Saturday? She's like, don't you want to go to jujitsu? I heard you on the phone. No, I want you to go to yoga.

I'll do kettlebell Saturday afternoon. I want to go to that fucking thing, but my wife, you follow me. There's always a compromise. There's always a compromise. Last Monday I did not go to 10 o'clock jujitsu and I blew off the fucking doctor. But I took Mercy to the park and then I took it to McDonald's and we had a great fucking time. So those three hours and when my wife called me at 12, 10, and she goes,

where are you guys? I said at the park, you know what my wife said? She goes, really? She was so happy because Monday is that, but I was going to be a short week. So I got to do things I don't usually do. My long weeks and my short weeks are different. My short weeks are about my family to be honest with you. Yeah.

My short weeks are about two workouts, two podcasts. I see you and I'm with my family. Everything else go wait till the weeks I have off. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. I'll do it when I'm off. I'm here for three weeks, you know, whatever. There's a compromise. 20 years ago, I would never do that.

I wouldn't even give my wife the option. I was, I'm going to the thing tomorrow because I was a fucking moron. That's why you're not married. So do you understand when I talk to you guys like that last night, I'm not being a scumbag. I'm just telling you that no matter what relationship you're in, you have to keep your dream alive because if not, what happens if you break up? You're going to feel like a fucking asshole.

Yeah. But then I think for me, like I just had a lot of bad girlfriends before Paula and they would be people who, if I said I had to work and we might have had plans, they would get mad. And now, and it's like, it's a really like a test for me for Paula, the fact that I said it and she's like, oh yeah, that's fine. Paula is Mexican. She got immigrant mentality.

Yeah. She sees what her mother did and what her father did. It's all about work. They wouldn't have been kept alive. Wasn't for the mother working 12 hour days. Mother didn't work. No, we think her mother worked six and a half, went home and took care of the children when she came from Mexico, no English.

They're 12 hour fucking days, my friend. And you know what the kids do? They deal with it. They deal with it. You see Paula, the psychiatrist, my mother worked 12 hours a day. You deal with it because you had nice sneakers. You, they should try the best you can. You put it all fucking together and that's what nobody understands.

You have to work. You have to justify your existence, even if your parents are dirty rich. What do you know? You ever see those people? You ever see a rich kid? I grew up around them. What do you think? Is that what you wanted to be?

Really? Worthless? If the lights get turned off and if the fortune disappears, what are those kids going to do when they're 65? They're going to go, yeah, I went through millions of dollars, but what did I really do? Even if I die broke, I'm going to be in that fucking coma. And I'm going to go unbelievable.

The thing is, I did, I fucking did coke. I seen fucking black Sabbath. I did this. I did this. I did it on my own nickel. And most importantly, I did it my way. It's amazing. When I was in high school, high school, middle school, I was jealous of those

kids because they had that. Naturally, naturally. They got a Z-28. They got a fucking Corvette. The girls want to be with them. And then it's amazing. Cause I don't really, I honestly don't keep in touch with maybe two people from my high school, but like on Facebook, I see, and I just see like how it's kind

of, it's kind of switched a little bit. I'm like, oh, like how can you still live in, in like your mom's house? Like the people, like when they have millions of dollars, it's just like, oh God. When you want to have lived, when I was 19, 16, and my mom died, I was talking to my step-brothers and they gave me money. Oh, I created this bullshit story in my head and I believed it. And it took me fucking six years to fucking convince myself.

I wasn't getting dick. Okay. I wasn't getting dick. That's a long six years. Six, fuck. Yeah. I mean, we do it. We buy our own fucking lives, my friend.

Don't think I didn't buy into my own fucking lives. I bought into them. I bought into them. Now we got to do one more out of respect. We did three already. God, I'm like so. It's Thursday. It's Wednesday.

That's why. It's Prince Pagetti day. You got to eat four stars if you don't eat pasta. So you, uh, I was one of those people. What do you think? I'm gonna fucking sit here and tell you no. And if my mind fucked myself, so I was 30 something years old and I realized you got to get up and go.

You got to do something. Yeah. You know, it took me 12 years to finally realize I was 32. That if I got into comedy, this is what I had to do. I had to get down and dirty. I'll take the shirt off. But so is that, is that kind of maybe what can this guide you to quit drugs? Cause like the whole drugs thing doesn't really make it like that

must have held you back tremendously. Even that in the peak of my addiction, I booked the longest yard. Do you not think I did coke before I went inside audition the next day, 11 a class? Absolutely. But isn't that the point? Like if you, if in the peak of your addiction, you book the longest yard, do you ever think what might have happened if you hadn't?

Oh, I know what I'm, I know what you're saying, but I'm just trying to make up. No, no, no, no. You used to work hard in that addiction. I used to get up and still drop envelopes off. I outworked everybody with a fucking addiction. That's what I'm saying. It wasn't the coke I did in the morning.

I didn't do coke in the daytime. It was my own work ethic. When I walked into the head shot at Sony studios in January and dropped it on that lady's desk is spider-man too. You know, when I dropped those tapes off for fucking, you got nothing. All those things I did on my own with a fucking addicted mind, Lee, an addicted, sick mind, because it was instilled in me. It's like people say it's like Marcelo's class at V-MAC on Monday night.

I heard about that. He may should do 45 minutes of counter snacks. Then he may shouldn't teach you the technique. Then he makes you do the technique. You know why? Because he wants you to remember that technique when you're tied. So you apply the technique better. That's what I was doing with my addiction.

I didn't know what I was doing. I was just doing what I knew that you had to do. I thought everybody did. What's the problem? I'm just really don't try to eat this. That's okay. That's okay. Um, but that's, that's the craziness, even with all that Terry stuff.

And I don't think Terry appreciated my dream in the beginning and how I nurtured it, but now she understands when I get up in the morning, after I play with the baby for 10 minutes, I smoke a joint outside and I eat breakfast and I run in that room and I start doing my Twitter and my Facebook. You think my wife comes in and goes, what are you doing in here? No, she knows I'm not in there watching a video about, you know, round to round. I don't give a fuck about round to rousy. I give a fuck about these people on Facebook and Twitter.

I got a job to do. I got to let them know the podcast is at three. I got to let them know we have a fucking podcast. I got to let them know I'm in Minneapolis next week. I got to let them know that, you know, uh, Lee's not, you know what I'm saying, Lee, you have to let them know these things and not they'll never fucking know. So where do you think it comes from? Like that everyone feels like they deserve like the, the weekends away.

And like, where do you think that comes from? I don't know. I don't, I have friends that I have a great life and they go away every four months. But I know that during the week, they fucking work their asses on. I know the girl's 15. She still has two jobs and the husband's 15. He's still fucking hanging those transformers on poles for public service and shit. You know, so I get it.

I get it. I don't get a young person with a dream sitting there six hours a day playing fucking some game. That's why I don't play games. You think I don't play games? I think I'd be addicted to games. I love games. I don't have time for games. I didn't have time for games at 18.

That's a real world out there. It's a real fucking world out there. So your friend that wrote the article, God bless him. I love him to death. I don't know him, but he's got to look a little harder. And that's the other thing. I said, listen, what if Joey Diaz went to fucking? Let's just do a thing.

Since Joey, you're a fucking genius. You think you know everything about jobs. Let's ask you a fucking question. What if Joey Diaz got into law school, right? The best law school in the country. Let's I don't know what it is. Let's say you have C law school and then after law school, what do I do? I don't get on a job.

I go back and get two years and get my master's in law. No, no, no, no, you don't need anything. You after law school, you take the bar and then you're a lawyer. OK, so now I'm a lawyer. I did OK on the bar. I did OK on the interviews on campus when they come to campus. I did my requirements. I did my intern in the prosecutor's office.

I did my intern in the other office. I worked at the mayor's office. I also worked as an aide. I did all my interns. I had to do I qualify for everything. Right. I speak Spanish. OK, let's say I don't get a job. Let's say Joey Diaz doesn't get a job after six months.

Do you think after Joey Diaz did four years in college and three more in law school and one as an intern and all the bullshit that comes with the test, do you think that Joey Diaz would be too proud to get himself a bartender job to keep the lights on? Well, no, I don't think you'd be too proud, but I also don't think I think that you might even want to go. OK, maybe I'll apply to paralegal jobs just to get in the door at the law firms.

OK, how many people go fuck that? How many people do you think this kid said fuck that? Yeah, do you think he said if somebody said we don't have a position right now for an attorney, but you're a sharp guy, why don't you come in as a paralegal for sixty five thousand a year to start and expenses? I'm just throwing a number out. He said he was delivering legal forms for like minimum wage. But my whole thing is you can't.

Industries are small. You can't air your dirty laundry like that. Like I've I've never bad. I don't badmouth companies that I work for. It's that nothing good can come from that. Listen, when people leave a job, they leave a job because the job sucks. Yeah. And they get sick of it, not because the company's great. And they would do it all over again.

That's my big thing is I wanted to like find new opportunities. Nobody quits Burger King because, you know, it's a great fucking job. And you go home smelling like roses every day. You go home smelling like a fucking dead goat with all that meat and all that shit they have in there. But it's a job. A job is a job. You know what? I've sat here across from you a thousand times, thousand times and told you how I had a job.

Everything was going great. And one day I realized they can make more money selling drugs. But I not sit here and tell you that. Yeah. OK. So I'm just as guilty as your friend. But guess what? I did. I did something about it. It's sitting there writing a fucking article, making people feel sorry for you. Like if you got something coming to you, just because you went to college doesn't mean you have nothing coming to you.

That's just the beginning. It's just four years to give you a fucking taste of what you really want to do in life and to see different things. It's a fucking privilege to go to college. You understand? It's a privilege to go to college. So when you come out, you got to fill the fucking. I don't care if you go work at a music shop. Let's pretend you want to be a DJ for a radio station that don't exist no more.

Right. Right. You can't find a job after six months as an intern. What do you if I come to you and I go, hey, Lee, I do this podcast twice a week if you want to come in and run the board. All I can give you is two hundred a fucking episode. That's four bills a week at sixteen hundred a month to get the party started. Right. Would you turn me down? No, but. That's me.

I think a lot of people and I know I did a little bit when you get out of college and especially if you go to like a like a master's or a law for three more years, you put so much time in and you have all these these loans that you're almost you almost feel like you're against the clock. Like you're you're behind already. So you want the big hundred thousand dollar a year paying job. And when you only get the twenty thousand dollar mailman job, it's like I don't it doesn't even make sense.

If you're legit and you're not a piece of shit like me or a drug dealer or a felon and you go home and you get a job off of after college and you sit in your room and you make a few goals and you see what the job entails. OK, so now I'm a mail room guy. How many mail room guys are there, Lee, in the mail room to guess what I'm going to do? I'm going to be the best fucking mail room guy in that motherfucker. They want what's the job eight to five? I'm going to be there seven or six.

Might as well. Yeah. That's what this country has forgotten. You want to raise? Show it to me. That's it. That's what everybody forgets. That's what everybody forgets. You want to raise show up with two fucking advertising accounts and give me an idea and then let's do this. Right.

Show up with a fucking envelope, but people want to do their job minimally and then want the world from people. You want to raise fucking show me. Come in here, fucking six and work for two hours a fucking day for three. Let me see how much you really want to do this. You know, before these corporations came in, you know how you got a job, Lee? You went into a construction site, you go, who's the boss here? How you doing? Do me a favor.

I like to be a hot carrier for three days for free. At the end of the three days, you don't want to pay me. I walk away, but I'm going to be the best fucking hot carrier you have in this motherfucker. And you make that commitment to yourself because you owe that to yourself. You owe that to yourself in so many fucking ways. In 2007, I'm sitting in my room doing the most. I'm doing heroin every Monday in 2007. And I'm thinking to myself, I did these movies.

Why do I do this to myself? Like Billy Crystal's 500 Sundays or whatever. Jesus Christ, I'm sitting there going, what am I doing to myself? That that that that makes me want to do this. I'm getting opportunities here that I never dreamed of. I never dreamed of. But you know what? I create those opportunities. Yeah. The work ethic, I don't.

I don't believe you could be weak in that aspect of it. Work ethic is work ethic. I told you, Richie Worderman, before he hired you, he made you sweep. He watched how you fucking sweep through. You didn't pick up that blue thing in the paint, but there's no reason why I have you here. There's no reason. I'm not going to fucking hire you. I don't care who son you are. I don't care who. I'm not going to hire you.

Why not? He didn't pick up that blue thing. He walked past a thousand fucking times. I saw him on camera. It's those little things that let you get a job. People don't do that no more. You're and listen, I thought the world owed me something to. Everybody thinks the world owes you something. Everybody. I'm a bad motherfucker.

I do this. I do that. One, the day you realize that they don't know you dick is a fucking cold reality, at least I had, but it's. You know, I see it here. I see it here all the time and I sit there and I scratch my head. How I could call a young comic and he's eating dinner on a Friday night at nine o'clock with his girlfriend, a young comic. What does that do to your insides?

They burn. Because let's do dinner at seven and let me go watch the comics. So fucking killing, killing. Out of the three clubs in LA, there's got to be one comedy club that there's a comedian that you like or you emulate that you want to go watch on a Friday night now. Like it could be Dane Cook, it could be Joe Rogan, it could be Bill Burke, it could be Mark Marin, it could be Sebastian Menescalco.

So do you understand what I'm saying to you honey? Let's go eat. Let's go eat. I'm going to go down to the comedy store and I want Sebastian. I'm going to come back up here. That's what a comic does. You learn the game. So this is a seven night.

I always tell comics when you move to LA, it's six months. It's like when you get out of rehab. What do they tell you when you go to rehab? When you gotta go to a meeting the first 90 days. Same thing with LA. You pack your bags, you get an apartment. Once the apartment that lease is signed, you get down, you get Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and you list the places you're going to go.

And I guarantee every night you're like, man, I'm fucking tired. When you get up and you get to that place, somebody's going to come up to you and say, that was a good set. What are you doing tomorrow night? 10.30. You want to work for 50 bucks? And you're like, man, thank God and stay home and watch 30 Rock. Yeah.

What do you think? Because it's pretty. I've heard a lot of stories on podcasts about how working for the comedy story make like 25 bucks a night. But even, and how terrible it was, but even with all that, comics keep coming and doing it. And they don't, I don't think they feel like they're getting jipped. I feel like, do you think it's like they see the positives about it?

When I walked out of the comedy store in 2007, after I found that fat ball in my neck and all the rogue and stuff, part of the reason was all that. But the other half was that the comedy store wasn't to me what it once was. I had disrespected the comedy store. It wasn't the shrine that it's supposed to be to me at that time. The first four years of the comedy store, it meant everything to me. It meant everything to me. Just to be doing sets of 1245.

Just to be so fortunate to tell people when I'm on the road, yeah, I got spots at the store and see their face fucking melt. But then towards the end, it just became a cocaine place for me and a place just to talk shit and whatever and think I ran it. And I left there. Now, look at the comedy store, what it is. It is the best place in the fucking world to do comedy. And I'm very privileged to be there.

That's why I only go there three days a week when I'm in town. Because I don't want it to become just another place to me. So when a young comic comes out here with a dream, you don't think I worked the door for 25 bucks? I used to work the door on Sunday nights, my friend. And she used to give me the emcee job. You'd do both? So I would work the door from 7 to 10, then emcee from 10 to 11, I'd get the fuck out of there.

25 bucks, did you ever hear me complain on this show all those years? No, I didn't even know you did it. It was my dream. I didn't do it like other, like Caperulo was a doorman. Mike Faberman, they were doorman, Rick Ramos. Those guys were fucking doorman. They sat people. I didn't do that.

They made me security in the back. Mincey liked me. So just go stand the back 25 bucks for a few hours just to put extra money in my pocket. It's a dream. If I want to fucking be a tightrope walker, right? If I want to walk a tightrope in my eye, I'm going to go talk to the people at Cirque du Soleil. I think when you walk in there at Cirque du Soleil and you walk up to the guy and you go, how you doing?

They're going to go, I come back the first Tuesday of the month and if you do well, you get trained with us. And then in time, we'll give you a location. You follow me? Right. You don't think that fucking muscle bound skinny dude is going to fucking move to Vegas, train with them for six hours a day. They don't pay you to train.

And then you're a waiter at night. It doesn't matter. When you get that dollar tip, you look at it. It doesn't matter because that's not my dream. I'm doing my dream in the daytime and eventually I'm going to get called up. That's the dream. That's the fucking dream. Eventually I'm going to get called up.

I wish I'm fortunate enough to come in the first day. They make me and put me on the show, you know, or Barnum and Burley Circus or whatever the fucking thing is. You know what I'm saying? When you first go to those circuses, you think they give you 60,000 a year, the first fucking year? Probably not. You probably get fucking $10 a show and you got to sleep with the fucking dancing bear

or some shit. It's, uh, do you think, I don't just think how sad it would be to do put all that work in and not make it because there has to be not everyone can make it. Well, I always think about not putting the work in and not making it. That's what always scares me. Not putting the work in and not making it and joking around and thinking everything's like a one day waking up going, man, I could have fucking done something if I would have worked a little harder.

That's what I didn't want to wake up to right now. Right now this podcast, when I go on the road and road and shows are sold out, I'm, I'm very lucky. Every morning I wake up. Look, I'm, we're lucky. We didn't get shot last night. You know, I had a friend last week that got into a car accident and they went to the hospital.

They stitched them up while they blood tested them. They found out they got colon cancer. I think I side swiped. You know, I got another friend in Miami last week that walked into a fucking subway sandwich came out took two bites and had died of a fucking heart attack. They're fucking going to bring them back to New Jersey tomorrow. We're 53 years old. So when I wake up in the morning, the first thing I say is how fucking lucky am I to

just be involved in this? You think that this thing now when I go to Minneapolis and one of the shows is sold out, you think that happened because I'm a good guy that happened because I punched the clock 20 years ago. I punched the clock 20 years ago, but I tell you what, let's pretend that would have came to our lane. The only thing I would have done was out one line on Spider-Man 2. And one day I fucking get fucking diabetes and my leg falls off and I got to move to

a home in Nebraska. Well, I'm sitting in that fucking home with my leg up and my stub there. You know what? I did it. I gave it a hundred percent. And you know what? I got into one movie that I never thought I'd get into and I got to do comedy with some of the greatest comics ever.

I did that. But I did that because I tried. And I worked. I didn't do that because I hung out with somebody or I lit their cigarettes or I rubbed their fucking feet or whatever. I did that because I did my own thing. No matter what, I kept going, kept going, kept going, kept going. And that's it.

And if this wouldn't have happened, at least I would have known I gave it everything I got. Not knowing that I didn't give it everything. That's the fucking. That's the fucking heartbreak. Do you ever. So you don't look back and think that you could have like you try to live to make sure you there's nothing you could have done more.

I could have done a lot of fucking things. I could have done a lot of things, but this is where I ended up. And this is the fucking card I got. I got dealt the hand. I did the best I could with the hand. You want me to lie to you and tell you I didn't wish I was on two sitcoms and have two shows that were in syndication. That'd be great.

You don't think I wish I would have had four HBO specials and people would have shook my hand and looked at me a lot different and gave me a different type of respect. I wish I could have done those things, but I didn't. But this is what I did do. You know what I'm saying? Right. And this is the path that was given to me and I did the best I can with it. The best I fucking could with this to my knowledge.

I got one agent. He's half fucking brain dead. You know, I got another agent that books me on the road. I don't have management. I don't have CAA backing. I don't have, you know, you know, I don't go to fucking premiers. I don't do anything like that. But if I wanted to, I could.

I just don't because it's not who the fuck I am. I don't want to be seen with this guy taking a picture with somebody. Don't mean the fucking world to me. None of that shit does. Just surviving and doing the best I fucking can. And that's what should mean the best to everybody. Even if my parents are rich, I'm so happy in so many ways. My mom died, Lee.

Oh, Jesus. Because she was raising me with an attitude that I had the world coming. I had it coming to me. There was one part of her and there was one part of her that I was spoiled. That I didn't like today. I don't like that. I don't like the covering she did for me. I don't like the, not the lies, but the blind eyes she turned to me at a certain age.

You mean that she hid stuff from you? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I know my mom knew I was involved in things at an early age. She didn't want to. I used to hang out with this kid, Eddie, when I was like in the seventh grade. And one day Eddie came to me. He goes, one day we were talking. Let me remember you were there.

My, then your mom asked me if I could give her a joint. My mom knew what I was doing. She just didn't talk to me about it. There's an episode of when Jackie dies in the soprano. It was a pre-op. Okay. And they go back to the house and they're drinking. And Meadow tells the sister that when they were kids, um, whenever Jackie would do something,

they would ask them, don't you care what your parents think? And he would always say they don't give a shit. That was partly me. That line has always destroyed me because this is the truth. My mother didn't give a shit in a way. You know, she put enough trust in me. And today I wish she wouldn't have trusted me that much. Really?

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I was talking to Terry about this yesterday. You, from the age of one to 16, you can't be a better parent. You know, like you have to be involved. You can't be involved enough for that, for that child to have a chance as a child. You have to be very involved.

Even then you have no guarantees. But again, at least you know, you did your best. You know, I would hate to sit there and go, oh, Mercy became a fucking dirty whore. Because from the age of 13 to 17, I was fucking some 20 year old and I wasn't there to guide her. Hell, we fucked up. So as a parent, you always have to be involved. I love that my mom trusted me and gave me freedom. When I told my mom I'm going to Lee's house to sleep over, she'd go, okay,

a mom would go grab the phone. Let me talk to Lee's mom. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. She don't even know. No, no, let me talk to Lee's mom. Let me see if it would be true. My mom didn't do that.

I wish she would have, because I wouldn't have gone to the net game that night on the bus till three in the morning. I wouldn't have done a lot of things I did, you know. But don't, do you regret doing those things? 50% of them. Really? That much? Listen, man, I did a lot of crazy shit as an 11 and 12 and 13 year old Lee that I shouldn't

have fucking done. Going into the city and walking around and I shouldn't have done that. Am I happy I did it? Yes, it's who I am today. It's part of who the fuck I am today. I think my mom, in a way, was very smart also. She looked at herself and she knew what to expect of me. You know, that's what a smart parent does.

They look at themselves and they go, let's see if my kid's going to go for it. If they're anything like me, they're going to go for it. What do you see of yourself and Mercy? She's by the book, which I used to be by the book. That's why I live in hell a lot of time, because I was buried by the book growing up. I was a nerd, you know, like I was telling the other day we played ball in the living room with the stuffed animal that she's got. And if she drops it, she won't let me pick it up.

She has to pick it up and throw it to the mother, because she won't break the rotation. There's so many little things that she doesn't like when I tap my foot. And she'll tell me 15 times, no, no, no, no, no, no. And she'll put it in my foot, you know what I'm saying? You're a fucking asshole. You know, when I was a kid, I was such an asshole. Like my mom would smoke a cigarette in the cab and throw the cigarette on the floor and step on it. And I would say prayer.

Like I thought the cab was going to blow up. You know, like I didn't trust my mother enough. And then I'd say shit to my mom. Like, you know, my mom would go, who the fuck are you? What are you fucking crazy? I don't give a fuck with the cops. You know, she did something once. They took me to a police station in the first grade.

And then you shoot a gun and you get fingerprinted, you know, like as a school trip. Yeah. And everything they told me, it took the heart. So like I went to a bar a week later, like the inspector, like you can't have that day. And my mom's like, oh fuck yourself. I can do it over the fuck I want. No. The policeman.

Fuck you and the policeman. No. No. I'll call the cops right for you. Like I was by the book. Mercy's going to be by the book. I see it already. I see little things, you know.

This morning we took a, you know, my wife cried when we dropped her off today. Why? Because we walked in with her. She got out of her little fucking sled. You know, I take the lunch from my wife and her and me and Mercy walked to lunch in. I opened up the refrigerator. I put the lunch in and right there and picked Mercy up. And I always say, I love you in Spanish and I'll see you at five o'clock.

All right. And she hugs me and she goes down and she walks out and says bye to the mom. And then Terry has to chase after her and take the binky from her and give her a hug and a kiss. Well, today I dropped her. She ran right to her mom, put the fucking binky in the mom's head and said, mom, see you later. Right? Really?

Hilarious. And then this is where it gets ugly. She goes, okay, my class line up. Mercy, stop what she was doing. And when my wife went to look, Mercy was standing online and my wife looked at me and she goes, you know what? Mercy's a good little girl. Look at her online already waiting.

And she cried half the fucking block, man. I had a hug her and shit. Really? Seriously, man. My wife isn't, so yeah, you want to raise, you know, the other day I was home, Monday. Do you know why I took Mercy to the park? Why? Because it was 9.30.

And I go, we got to get out. In fact, I left without a diaper. She should have self as the park. I had to call my wife to bring a fucking diaper at 12 o'clock because my goal, like I told my wife, my wife goes, you brought everything. Great. Except the diaper. Why did you, I go, because my goal was to get her out of the house.

How can I not practice what I preach? I want her to have the same thing. I want her to see it. Because in the mornings, we got to go. We got shit to do. What do we got to do? I don't know. But it's better than what we're going to do here.

Something's out there we got to do. So I take her outside. We walk down the corner. We walk back. I put her inside the fence. You know, I can't wait to start writing with her in the mornings. That's the first thing I'm going to teach you how to write in the morning when you wake up.

Fuck cartoons. Before breakfast come out, do what you need to do. You know, if you got to be in school at nine, get up at fucking seven. Give yourself two hours. Wake up. Give yourself some time. You know what I'm saying? Learn how to do time.

You know, right in the morning. Maybe read a chapter. What are you giggling about, Lee? You're going to go like, is she going to end up going to Harvard under that? It's not Harvard, man. It's a work ethic. You really hurt my finger before when you like these fucking millennials. Or whatever the fuck they are, millennials, whatever the fuck people they call themselves.

What do you think I call myself a 60-ish? I don't call myself a 60-ish. I'm a human being. No, we don't call ourselves that. I think it's just a term people are using. No one walks around saying I'm a millennial. I know. It's just saying I'm a fucking jerk or a fucking millennial.

But they call them that. Yeah. And that's not. You're a human being. You have needs. You have dreams. And you have expectations. You have fucking expectations from your family, from yourself.

We all do. Yeah. And that's always, like I've told you before, that's one part I don't buy about the Sopranos is the way the kids acted, because I never understood. Well, look at the son. The son was soft. He was soft, but not. No, he was soft.

He was soft. He had a fucking yellow car. Yeah, but if he was your son, he wouldn't have come out that way. No. People can be softer people, but if you have a good parenting, they'll turn out fine. Just like when she put the glass out for the juice and was annoyed that the mom wouldn't give her juice when she was in college. Like if I ever put my hand out with my glass and didn't say anything, my mom would have

thrown the juice at me. Like there's no way. Like I just. I know a lot of kids. I know a lot of the kids I grew up with that grew up a certain way. And now they have kids and they are a little firmer with them. Like I've seen that kid and I'm like, hmm, you know, it makes sense to have to be firm. And there's a lot of calls I have to make in the next 10 years if I'm alive.

There's a lot of calls I have to make that I have to make to be honest with her and they have to be that call at that time. You know, I can't sit mercy down at seven until I didn't blow and I looked out windows and shit like that. You know, so she's going to ask me, right? Did you do drugs? I got to say, I got to give her a fucking answer. That's not a truth.

And it's not a lie. It's what's best for everybody involved at that time. That's what I didn't know. Those are little things where my mom made a mistake. It wasn't the truth and it wasn't a lie. It's what's best involved for the family at this time. When you're 10, I'll sit you down and tell you a little chit chat. And then when you're 12, I'll sit you down again and give you another little chit chat about what happened.

But I'm not going to sit there and glamorize in front of you because the odds are I don't want booze in my refrigerator. I don't want soda in that refrigerator. There's no soda in that fucking refrigerator. We bought those six bottles for you guys that were coming over for those Cuban sandwiches the other day. Beside that, there's no soda in my house. Are you just coming up with this idea for telling her now or have you been thinking about it as a kid? Because I can think of stuff that I didn't like that my parents did, that since I was 6, I knew I wasn't going to do. You know, kids drink because they see somebody drink.

Kids drink because they come home and you're drinking in front of your fucking kid. So how many times you can tell them don't drink, they see you fucking drinking. So where do you stand? So when you're going to get mad because your kid drinks? No, if you don't want your kid to drink, you got to get rid of everything in the fucking house. You know, I tell you the other day I went to McDonald's with Mercy. I had a quarter pound. I had like four fries and a diet fucking Coke and my wife got a tea and I took a couple of sips out of that.

It was a great quarter pound. Do I do it every day? No, you know why? Because as a child, I wasn't allowed to eat fast food. I would only eat fast food two weeks of the year when I went to Miami with my cousins. Maybe all of it? Not every day. They wouldn't eat fast food either.

But in the afternoons, if you go swimming or you go to the beach, you go to McDonald's to get fried chicken. Those are the only places I ever really went to. One time in the Bronx, I went to Jack in the Box. I got the fishing sticks and they were fucking hard. Oh, God. Horrid. Horrid. Whoa, that's terrible.

We used to also go to Arthur. No, I don't think I got them. I used to go to Arthur Treacher's fish and chips. Arthur Treacher's was a chain on the east coast of good fucking fish and chips. There's probably like three of them are left on now. They're horrible. Fucking horrible. I don't like fish and chips.

You know, I have a pen pal in prison. I have a friend of ours that got locked up in a federal prison. He's been gone for about two months now and I've written him like four letters. He's written me like four letters, maybe five letters. I try to write him every two weeks. I keep him off guard because I want him to get the letter for him to be happy. You know, the letter came the other day. My wife was going, she goes, I didn't know you wrote this guy in jail.

She goes, why do you do that? And it's because I know what it feels like to get a letter in fucking jail. When did you decide to do it? I told him before he got locked up. I told him when he told me he was going away. I said, I'm going to send you some fucking letters. What do you talk about? How you doing?

What's going on in there? Like handwritten letters? Yeah, I handwrite them. Fuck you, Lee. You can't fucking type up a fucking letter and send it to somebody. That's not heartfelt enough. Gotta handwrite that fucking thing. You know, and that's what I'm saying.

You're looking for a job. Okay, what's Lee doing? I go to Lee's house. Lee gets his fucking stupid resume with his bio when he sends it to this guy. All right, I go to chip, chip, chip, whatever his house. He does the same thing. You got a standard bio, a standard fucking resume, or whatever your college education you send it in.

You know what a guy like Joey Diaz does? He sends you the bio, the fucking resume, and a handwritten letter right fucking there. Right there in the package. Handwritten. I love to work for your company. I know you made fortune number 64. This has been a dream.

I do background information. You mail that to the motherfucker. And then you take another one and you email that package. So you email one and you mail one. And if you don't hear nothing in 10 days, you drop it off and you call that motherfucker. I don't give a fuck if it says no calls. That's for regular people.

So don't call. That's for regular people. Something that my mom taught me, and I don't always do when I had job interviews, was I also sent one to the secretary when he went in. Because they're the ones who are going to be talking to him about it. And it made a difference. The only time I ever got a call about not getting a job

was because I did that for a secretary. You never get a call saying you don't get it. You just never hear it. It's really weird. All the little tactics. So nothing bothers me more when I hear, I can't get a job because of all the immigrants. I don't want to hear that.

And I don't want to hear that you can't get a job period. You know? Okay, can you get a job in your field? No. Now how badly do you need a job? I need a bad, I'm living off credit cards. Okay, we get a job. We get a job.

There's jobs. Trust me, I'm telling you. They're building all up and down here on Riverside. They're building. Everywhere they're building. They're knocking down by where I live. They're knocking down their house next week. When that's empty, we're in front of.

That's all going down. They're building condos. I'm sorry. I don't give a fuck. That's just the way life is. When you see construction, that's a job. Yeah. But you don't want to outwork the Mexican guys.

See, we're all scared that we're going to look bad. Because he doesn't give a fuck. He comes in at six, and he'll stay till seven. He doesn't need to go to a family to see football league. He doesn't need to go to a dark league. He doesn't need to do a lot of fucking things. You know, he doesn't need to go to his son's recital. That dude told his son that morning, listen, I can go to your recital,

and you got to eat salad this week, or I could fucking work, and you could eat hamburgers. What do you think? Mommy will go to my recital. Okay, man. Everybody understands. Everybody fucking understands. Yeah.

My dad worked nights and weekends, my entire life. It's a work ethic thing. And I'm sick and tired of fucking, and it goes from comedy to being a student, to being a plumber, whatever the fuck you want to be. The work ethic has to be there. And you know what work ethic is? It's not working like an animal. It's getting the most for the time that you're there.

Have you ever read 40 hour work week by Tim Ferriss? I haven't read it. I heard it straight, like four hours, whatever it is, but that's the whole theory behind it, that people work. And whenever I worked in an office, most of the day was a waste. You could definitely shorten the day. If you work like an animal, most jobs you're done by fucking 10 o'clock, then you could jiggle around.

And that's when you realize there's a business on it, right? There you start learning there's a business on it. Wow. I'm wasting a lot of money in payroll. I'm wasting, you see what you waste in payroll, you see all the fucking cuts. Somebody on Twitter just laid off a bunch of people. Oh, really?

300 fucking people, 3,000. I don't fucking know. They're paying them fucking a lot of money. That's a big thing that's always killed me, people. Last night that conversation was a great conversation we had, because it was particularly about a couple friends of ours, that are comedians, and they don't complain about it, that things aren't happening,

but they're not doing nothing to change their status. I never complained much, Lee. I had a long talk with myself. I made some notes and I knew what I had to do. This is what you got to do. And then when you have the opportunity, you really got to hit it out of the fucking park. But it's kind of, it is hard when you're living it

to see what you're doing wrong sometimes. Sometimes you need either someone to do it, or you need something bad to happen so you can look back and be like, oh, I was being an asshole. Well, we live and we learn, Lee. That's why you keep going every day. That's why you keep going every day. You understand me? That's just compromise.

So that time when I was telling you on the weekends, that's what I was trying to tell you. That there's a compromise. You just cannot sit there all day until the night and at six o'clock decide to go to the fucking gym. Who goes to the gym at five when you got up at nine? I don't mind it, but it is better to do it early. No, get out of the way.

Go run your errands now when you sit there. When I watch TV at night, you know why I watch TV? Why? Because I know nothing's going to happen. I know that I can watch this TV and I don't have to get up in an hour if I want to watch another episode. I can watch another episode on Netflix and nobody's there. There's nothing I can do.

I can bring the notebook out with me and make little notes. But by 12 o'clock my mind, you've gots anyway. So I might as well watch something, get entertained, so you could entertain. Yeah, I was thinking about it. I was here today and I went to go get lunch and I was going to drive. How was the food? It was okay.

What did you get? Beef and broccoli. I was. Okay. Nothing out of this world? No. The broccoli was pretty good. But it's like a couple of streets down.

It's hot. I was thinking about driving, but I decided to walk. And I was thinking about how people say they're bored a lot. Even I feel bored a lot sometimes. But there's no possible way to be bored now. There's just so much out there that it's not even possible and then people don't know how to act. Listen, I get a notebook every Monday.

And I write down Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I write BJJ 10 a.m. right one hour. Right. BJJ 10 a.m. Podcast, 3 p.m., blah, blah, blah. That's a schedule of the shit that I have. That's the obvious. But I know that I could sit there.

I know that there's always a joke to be written. I know there's always a chapter in a book to be written. I know there's always a chapter to be outlined. I know that there's a bio to be written. I know that there's notes to make on the podcast. There's always something you could be doing. Always. You know, and this is if you're an independent contract.

I talked to you as if you're an independent contract. The IEA car salesman. You're an independent car contractor. Yeah. They give you shifts to work. If you work those shifts, you won't make a dime. You won't make a dime. Can you go in outside of your shifts?

Yeah. Okay. You understand what I'm saying? I didn't know. I didn't know. So Mondays two to nine, Wednesday is nine to 3.30. Wednesday, you're off Thursday, two to nine, Friday. Now those shifts that you get, if you just work those shifts,

you won't make no money. Not in the beginning. You won't. In the beginning, you have to be there all the time. And after about six, eight a year, you learn the patterns of the store. You learn patterns of the store. First of all, people calling a lot. So I'm going to sit next to a phone.

I'm going to be fucking close to a phone because I'm going to hear sales call. Line one. Boom. How are you doing? It's Lisa. How can I help you today? Okay. That's the main thing people do now.

So you want to wait on the lot? I'd wait on the lot, but I'd have a fucking portable right on me. Fucking rock. Okay. Ready to fucking rock. Okay. Sales line one. So after a few years there, not only do you get sales from something,

you get sales from Lisa. At least I went to a wedding. Showed his car to his cousin. The cousin liked it. Where'd you get it? I got it from Joey Diaz. Go talk to Joey Diaz. His wife shows, you follow me?

Right. How I keep that alive is because I send Lisa Yacht cards. I send Lisa Yacht cards. Easter card, Christmas card, New Year's card. So every three months I send Lisa Yacht a card for some. Every three months I send a different stock of people cards. You have to keep a record. If not, you'll send everybody the same.

You follow me? So there's always a card to send. Right. There's always a call. You know what? I call Lisa Yacht every three months and I send them a card every nine months. You follow me? Hey, Lee, how you doing, Joey Diaz?

I see you've had your car for two years. How's it going? Guess what? Paula's car? That fucking guy's never called. Yeah. My guy calls me on my birthday. There's always something to do.

Always something to do when you're an independent contract. Always. And now the way it is when you're working for companies, they want you to do that over time, too. And if you want to get a promotion, you're going to have to work from home. Oh, but just had a commercial on TV a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. Made how much over the summer?

Oh, wow. Remember they had a commercial that was running? Did you not see it on TV? I didn't see it. No. You're working 2000 this summer working. Do you think that you make that working fucking two to five with Uber? No.

You're working midnight. You're fucking hustling. 12-hour days. Yeah, I talked to them. You're working 12-hour days. Guess what else you're going to do? You're going to put mints in the back. You're going to put a newspaper in the back.

You're going to put a TV in your car in the back. That's how you get an Uber, so you get return business. It's not exact. It's not in most people's fields, like if they went to college. But Uber and Lyft have pretty much eradicated like being unemployed. If you have a car, there's no reason you should be unemployed. You can make money every day. It's the same.

There is no reason in today's economy that you should not have a job. There's jobs out there. And if you don't have a job, I'm sorry, some of you are getting pissed off at me. If you don't have a job, it's because you're not looking or because you're not looking at a level below. Well, I know Uber has a thing that they will finance a car for you, even if you don't have a car, and they'll just take it out of your paycheck. No shit.

So there's no reason not to get a job. No shit. Yeah. A lot to think about. Let me give some fucking shout outs. We get the fuck out of here. Paul Lynch, Bobby Sharon, and Crystal down there making t-shirts. Jack Bratcher, Timothy Ward.

I want to give a shout out to Gothenburg, Sweden, you bad motherfuckers. Also, my man over at fucking. What's this guy's name? Jimmy paid 666 hashtag and TK buff. I love you. Cocksuckers. What's up, buddy? I can't call it.

Just getting ready to go to Minneapolis. I'm excited. Just been a little weird the last couple of days when I found out my buddy died. This kid that died was a kid that had two other brothers. Somebody sent me an email about a week ago, and it was a young kid, and he goes, Uncle Joey, I know what you're going to say, but I'm in college. I'm in a frat, and all my friends around me do coke, should I try? And I read the email on Thursday, and it took me a couple of days to answer.

Because it's really hard for me to tell somebody no. They're going to look at me and go, well, you fucking did it. But I'll tell you what I've learned recently, man. The last couple of weeks, especially. Because the couple, they got into a car accident, and she found out she had colon cancer. They've never stopped. I was doing blow with them in 1995. From 1989 to 1995, I did blow with those people twice a week.

And they're still doing it now? And they're doing something completely different now. And it's like, somewhere you had to stop. My friend had died in Florida. I heard today that he died eating the sandwich. He just killed over. Oh, no. He had been gone for the last 15 years.

But let me tell you something. This kid double majored in college. He was handsome as shit. He had all his teeth. And one day they figured out how to sell blown, make a ton of money selling it. And I'll never forget one night in 1984, going out of his house, eating dinner and going outside. He's like, I got to go. I got to be outside selling coke.

And he was in front of his house. And there was maybe, you know, that line for in and out. It was like that, like eight cars deep. Whoa. And a cop drove by and he just waved at the cop. And then I left in 85. And I heard stories how they had millions. They got robbed.

They did this. They did that. Then they ended up moving to Florida. And he stayed down there. And I used to see him in 97 and 98. And he was married to Omar Viscale's cousin or sister. Oh, cool. And then he got divorced from her and it all went downhill.

And in like 2003, I did this movie about this Jamaican thing. Oh, Lee, a SAG movie. They didn't give me the script. So I got down there. You did it at Jamaica? Yeah. It was a coach ticket. And when I got down, I got fired because I complained.

I'm like, what the fuck is the script? What the fuck is the per diem money? How come I'm in a room with another man? You know, what the fuck? And they fired me and I took the plane back to Jamaica to Miami. And my flight wasn't until the next day. So I called him up. I go, Kirk, come get me.

Oh my God. Was it a mistake? He picked me up and we put the brakes on. All you hear would be bottles breaking in the backseat. You look to the backseat, there was just stacks of vodka bottles. Oh. And he was drinking straight and just throwing it into the backseat. This kid was clean.

Kept his nails clean when we were growing up. It was handsome. It was always, just his clothes were always ironed. You should have seen him. His feet were dirty. His hands were dirty. We were back to his house. He didn't have a front door.

It was just a piece of plywood with a fucking string around it. He lived in like this fucking high end building. But the cops had broken into his condo. So the door was made out of sheet rock. There was no appliances in the fucking living room in the kitchen. He had sold them all. He had a cooler with ice and he had beers in there. The living room had no furniture.

The kitchen, the bathroom had a toilet seat and no shower curtain. The shower curtain. I mean, he was drinking too much. He was doing everything. Oh my God. And then I was friends with a family. I knew them since the late 70s. They were like America's perfect family.

Three beautiful boys, a great mom, a great dad. You know, you could go over there and bullshit. The brother was always a junkie, the older one. But when I was friends with Bonehead, that was my dog. Me and my other buddy worked from his plumbers helpers. And he would take us into the city. Even when we were 17, we'd go to McSawley's alehouse and drink with him. And he'd buy us eight volumes for $10 and he'd go get heroin.

And then we'd drive back to Jersey and he'd be nodding and shit. This is what I put up with. I loved him. I loved him. So the story, they were doing great. The brothers living in Miami, the one brother's living in Vegas with his wife, and the family's living in Jersey down the shore. The brother that was living in Vegas, Bonehead, moves back with his girlfriend over the holidays.

On Christmas Day, she kills herself in the house. Why? Comes out of the bathroom, kills herself. Shot heroin, passes out and dies in the house. They never ended after that. She died. Amy moved to Miami. He OD'd on heroin.

He died. The mother died. The other brother lost all his money selling fish. I mean, he was one of my best fucking friends. We don't talk no more. Why not? Water under the bridge, man. This shit happens between friends.

He just got crazy. I couldn't have it. I couldn't have it in my life anymore. I was trying to do something. I'm getting served papers at my door. He used my license and bought a fucking freezer and shit. These are kids that I grew up with that were fucking out of control. And you know what? Today I feel sorry.

If I had the money, I would do a documentary on them to show people the effect of drugs and what happened. What did the whole family was on drugs? The three brothers. But what really killed them, I think, was selling the drugs and making all that money. When you're buying condos and cars and you're buying companies with Coke money,

it's a different level. And when you've got to think about it, let's say you had 10 customers like me. Hey, nobody put a gun to my head. I bought that fucking Coke because I wanted to. Right. He sold me that fucking dream. He sold me that death.

He made it easy for me. I'm not saying. I'm not talking out of content here. I'm not saying that fucking they were bad people. I was selling Coke too. But just the way the family ended up, if you put me and him in a room in 1984 and had 10 people bet $1,000 on who was going to turn out better,

who was going to live till they were 70 and turn out better, nobody would have bet on me. Nobody would have bet on me at 20. And when Kurt was 21, if they would have put us in the room together, nobody would have fucking bet on me at that time. Nobody. I'm telling you right now.

Nobody. You want to know the story? No. Why now? What's the problem? It's Wednesday night. It's the Jewish holiday. Good.

The fuck? It's a podcast. What's with this gloom and doom today? Get it together, cocksucker. Who's gloom? Lamar Odom is in a hotel room. He got bad pussy. A hotel room?

Is this Denny's home? Home from the fucking mouth. That's when you know that asshole's raw over there. Denny's house fucking house of horrors up there. Ain't fucking mad. He's 90 coming in here with 20-year-old chicks. With fucking the herp. I love it.

I've been a fucked up week. It was good. We had a nice little week. We did some acid. We fucking got the party started. Ari was funny. That tape that Duncan sent me was one of the most funniest things. I still look at it and laugh.

Some people got really offended. I texted to a lot of fucking people. And some people were like, Joey, how can you send me this? I thought it was hysterical. I've never seen you laugh that hard. That was the hardest I've ever seen you laugh. I didn't know what it was. When I opened up that box and I saw that man jumping around,

I didn't know what to fucking expect. So what did you end up saying back in the email? To who? To the guy who asked you to do coke. I told him not at all. Not even to open up that vault. Because it'd be so good? Huh?

Because it couldn't hook him? Listen, man, it's a great time. It was a great time for me. I sold my soul for it. It was a great time. I thought I couldn't do anything without it. I couldn't even think of going to a bar without a package. Like, if you called me and said you want to go have a drink,

you got a package, no, forget it. I'm not going on embarrassing myself. If I go out, it's to be fucked up and coked up and be an asshole, you know? So I bought the package. I don't ever want anybody else to buy that fucking package. Ever. There's no fucking, there's no happiness at the end of it.

You want to smoke a joint, man? I don't know anybody who loses their teeth over weed. I don't know anybody who loses their job over weed unless they piss test you and you smoke. You know, Nick Diaz lost his fucking license over weed, you know? Unless you can't. I can't. You can't.

Nobody piss test you, you know? That'd be kind of weird if you did that. So I never know people who died from weed, you know, and so far in my 53 years, that's the only thing that keeps people out of trouble. They're smoking a little weed at home and fucking minding your business. That's it.

So, look, where do you draw the line then? Because there are people who are like younger kids who listen to this. If you do coke, I am not mad at you. I'm not here to judge nobody. What I'm telling you is I wouldn't fucking do it today because now, like everybody, like anybody who was involved with it and didn't stop,

it's not fucking good. Well, my question was like sort of, so weed school, like I didn't know if acid was cool mushrooms. Like how do you, where do you draw that line? Like if people, because you don't want to... Well, it's pretty tough to tell somebody not to eat acid until they just tuned in

and saw us giggling here with Ari on the fucking floor. Yeah. I had a lot of fun, Lee. I had a lot of fun as a kid doing drugs. Today you don't know what the fuck is in this molly. You don't know what the fuck is in half this shit. But you know what? Did I know it was in that THC crystal

when I was putting up my nose? Not fucking really. Do I have regrets, Lee? I don't fucking know. But I'll tell you what, I don't think anybody should do anything past weed. That's what I feel like. You want to do some mushrooms and some acid?

I don't know. Do it at your own fucking discretion, but you better be prepared. Like you were. You had to be prepared. I felt bad a couple of times. Why? Because you just had this look on your face of fear.

It was a lot, really fear? It was a lot. I was having a good time. I know you were having a good time. I gave it to you because you'd have a fucking good time. Would everybody have that experience? I don't fucking know, Lee. I just don't think that this, you know,

like I said the other day, the only reason why I started partying and doing the acid was because I knew musicians didn't. They got creative from it. I didn't even know about comedy then. I just wanted my mind to go in the different directions. I didn't even know what creative meant

when I fucking did acid. I just thought my mind would go somewhere else. That's it. And I would never, you'd do it, I think, because I would never choose to do it. And then also you've, you've always joked like the Russians will get me,

but like I just took 500 milligrams and I'm having, like I'm still like alive. Like most of these people take a 10 milligram edible and they're out. You know, there's people who read these books by these people who trip and they get impressed. They eat mushrooms and shit.

I never read a book. I never let a fucking high times. I didn't know nothing. I prefer to live it. I prefer to give me that fucking thing. Let's see, give me half of it. Let's go. You eat half.

You're tripping. You eat another fucking half. You have a good time. We do it again next weekend. That's how I live. But it was a different fucking time. Right. You know, I mean, who the fuck eats acid?

I thought I'd never see acid again 10 years ago. It's making a comeback, I guess. Really? I don't know. I never thought I would do it. Like, I never thought I would do anything. What did you fucking think acid did to you? I have no idea.

From talking to people. People, all I heard was hallucinations. Like I thought, I thought it would be like colors and like monkeys running around and like... One more hit. I could have made that happen for you.

Really? That was okay. One more hit of that shit for sure. One more hit of that shit for sure. You're looking at the room and you get stuck on that picture of Charles Bronson and Charles Bronson's jaw drops and it pops right back up.

That sounds terrible. And the paint waves and the Israeli flag waves. That type of shit is what I'm talking about. If we go outside and you see a car drive by, you see the lights stay there. And you're like, oh shit. Shit.

Yeah. You know, we were giggling here watching Pee Wee Herman. We were giggling like little fucking guys. It's fun. I don't know. I'm not here to fucking... I know it works for me.

I know the cocaine didn't work for me. I know the heroin would have never worked for me. I know that going out every night and doing fucking meth wouldn't fucking work for me. So it's just knowing what works for you, what keeps you together, I guess. Yeah, it's weird how people...

hallucinogenics have a better reputation, but then it's... If you did that stuff every night, you'd go fucking crazy. If you do enough blow, you're hallucinating. One night I did blow and blow. I fucking hallucinate. Really?

Yeah, because it probably has speed in it. It makes you fucking go. I saw these people dressed in white sliding down ropes on trees in the snow and running around with fucking Russian hats on. You know how scared I was, man? That was right after I got out of fucking prison. I was in the halfway house.

Then I got a weekend furlough and I said, I'm snorting my balls off Friday night. And I stayed at my in-laws' trailer. They were like, if you want to stay up here, you can stay at the trailer, you got a TV in there and everything. So I stopped it up with beer in the morning.

Nice. And I came back that night with a fucking eight-ball and some debt. And by the first gram, I was fucking hallucinating. I hallucinated a couple times on coke. One night I saw guys with dogs out there. Fucking... I thought that was the FBI.

The fucking windowsills were opening and closing. Remember when he kept saying, you saw the rats running around in the trees? When we got back from our show, you were just like... You were like, jumping. I could see something in the trees. Oh, my God.

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at the stress factory in November, so cut it out, all right? We had a great week here. You know, I'm sorry about the podcast today. We're fucked up

and it's nice and slow. We answered some questions about work ethic and, you know, I'm sick and tired of having that shit. Mexicans are taking your jobs. That means you got

to work harder than the Mexican. You're scared. How can we be scared? How can you be scared to show what the fuck you really are, you know? Right. I do it every day.

I don't give a fuck. I need to work, bro. Every fucking day. Seven days a week, you got to do something. You can only hug your kids so much. It's like Alan Baldwin says in that fucking movie,

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I quit before the miracle happens. Right. If a miracle happens, if not, I did this the best of my knowledge and I put the best in the likelihood, man. Yeah, so if you looked back, you would be happy with what you did?

Fuck yeah. That's awesome, man. Fuck yeah. I never expected one line in the movie. When I came here, you said, you're going to do movies? Stop.

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all the great optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, TuneTech, Mood, and TuneTech Sport. Love, love Yeah, yeah Uh-huh It is good That's what I say

Let the man represent He said he'd sing at home But his hope wasn't right And he should have known It's hard to understand There was love in this man I'm sure all would agree That his misery

Was this woman and things Now phrase day That's what I say Everybody's misused him Crypt him up and abused him Another jacket plan Pushing dope with the man A terrible cloak, but that's how it goes

Our friend is on the corner now And if you want to be a junkie, wow Remember Freddy's Day We're all built up with progress But sometimes I must confess We can deal with rockets and dreams But reality, what does it mean? Ain't nothing to say

Cause Freddy's Day Hey Love, love Hey Yeah, yeah Ha, ha Love, love Yeah, yeah

Ha, ha Love, love Yeah, yeah Love, love All I want is some peace of mind With a little love I'm trying to find This could be such a beautiful world With a wonderful girl

Who I need a woman to Don't want to be like Freddy now Cause Freddy's Day Hey Yeah, yeah If you don't try You're gonna die Why can't we promise

Protect one another? No one's serious And it makes me furious Don't be this late Just think afraid Everybody's misused him Ripped him off and abused him Another junkie plan

Pushing dope with a man A Freddy's on the corner If you want to be a junkie wife Remember Freddy's Day Ha, ha Ha, ha Love, love Freddy's Day

Hey Ha, ha Love, love Ha, ha Love, love Hey Love, love