Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #328 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 27, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get 50% off of your first order of wine curated just for you.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos   Recorded live on 10/26/2015.
   Music:  Call Me - Sky I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Runnin With The Devil - Van Halen

Every day you do three threes, you know, three fives. It's even if we're just laying on top of each other and you're breathing and whatever, you're getting your composure, you're breathing out your nose. You're telling the other guy, listen, do this. You know, at least get the ball started for him. Right. I want you to see the technique.

I want you to go home and go, why my arms so strong? Because I'm pushing him. Instead of escaping, I'm putting my knee up. Right. And you remember to put your knee up and little things like that. You just get a lot more personal attention. At least I do.

Man, man, it's a good little class. Oh, it's great. I'm ready. Let's do it. Fuck that shit. It's October, what, 26th Halloween week trick and treat, motherfuckers. This show is brought to you by Club W.

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if you live in California. And go to hitesigs.com, better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the vape, but they have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you. Oh shit, kick that lead, kick that horse. Oh shit. What? Monday, October 26th, we're going old school tonight,

motherfuckers. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Couple of fucking gorilla biscuits, a couple of pumps and tutu-tudus, a couple of fucking long-animalized teas. You're jumping up and down to this motherfucker here. What? Oh shit, keep it in this motherfucker's body right here.

When I was a senior in fucking high school, this is the gender. When I was a senior in fucking high school, this is the gender. That's how old is gender, kick it up, please. The church of what's happened now, you bad motherfuckers. You're calming. What's the story?

Do you go to school dances to this? Or I can't even imagine you go into school dance, but. You know, when I was a senior, that January was when, you know, we would always go out in Jersey to different places. But when I was a senior, that January was when we first started drifting over into the city after the bars were closed.

So 3 a.m., the Jersey bars were closed and we would drift into the city. And in those days, it was like, yeah, Studio 54 was the Mecca. Trust me, I was not going to Studio 54. I wouldn't even, they wouldn't even let a guy like me stand on line in Studio 54. Oh wow.

So we would go to the lower end ones, the whatever club where it was like 12 bucks or you could drink. We went to the church a couple of times, which never impressed me that limelight. So did you, cause you've talked about before how they used to have paper licenses. Did you even use those?

Or was it just they let you in or like? Yeah, no, they would prove you. They would listen, man. In those days, as long as they were covered, that's all they gave a fuck about. Now they scrutinize you. They'll take the ID from you and call 911 and call the cops.

Yeah, they scan it. You're getting 1250 an hour. Who gives a fuck? Give the kid the ID. Well, you didn't try to sneak into a club, but these dudes take their jobs too fucking seriously. Yeah. And running for, you know, for 10 bucks an hour,

you're gonna scrutinize some kid. Just give the kid the ID and go listen to the kid. Don't come back down here and don't bullshit me. But now they pull people out of lines and call 911. Is it really worth the aggravation? 30 years ago, as long as they were covered. Amen. He showed me an ID.

Let me see the ID you showed him. This ain't you. Okay, what am I? I don't fucking know. I'm getting $10 an hour. What do I give a fuck? Right. You follow me?

Yeah. It's the same fucking principle. And did you know, because when I was going to high school, it got around that a certain Chinese place wouldn't go. Right. This is the same thing. Certain clubs would let you in. But at that time, it was 18.

So I think by that time, we were all allowed into those clubs. Oh, it was 18 plus. Legitimately, we were all allowed into those clubs. And towards the end of the school year, more and more, once a month, twice a month, we thought we would, you know, Johnny bananas. And we go to like a, I forget to like the rooftop and, you know, and do like a grandma blow and meet other fucking morons

and do a grandma blow with them. And then, and then that's it. Once I saw that, I couldn't go back to just going to bars anymore. You know, like once I saw that type of, and I wasn't a big New York City nightlife guy. I was going to say, you don't seem like a club. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The only way you could drag me those things is if we're doing coke.

I was having the fucking bag and you had play lose. And I was, I cut into an eight ball with you guys and four of us were going into the city of three people are going to leave with the eight ball. You chipped in on, you might as well go. Right. That's the only reason I would go. And I can't lie to you. I had a good time.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you how to miserable time. Was it my type of lifestyle? No. No, I couldn't go out every night. It's funny because I'm the way here. I drove my wife's car tonight and I was listening to studio 54 on Sirius. Okay. And it was a couple that they were interviewing and they were talking about

raising two children. He was a dentist and she was something. And they raised two children and they went to studio 54 four nights a week. And they would tuck the kid in. The mother would come over and stay on the couch and they would be in home in time to make breakfast for the kids at six in the morning. Then he would take a nap and go to his dental office. He would make all the appointments for lunchtime.

And he was talking about like hanging out with Truman Capote and Liza Manelli and, you know, just that was fucking crazy. And I did go to studio 54 one time. But in 1983. And I was already done. That was done. I went there with like a friend of mine that knew somebody. Well, what do you think as like a relatively new parent when you hear

someone's going to studio 54 every night? As what? As me to judge somebody? I don't know. When you're hearing that, like, are you saying that's awesome? They shouldn't do that? Like, it just seems like it's kind of like it's crazy. Listen, man, if you're dropping your kid off at some foreign

fucking house to decay your child while you go out, jump up and down and snow blow, I think that's fucked up. But I can't judge it. But on the other hand, if my mom comes over and stays with the kids and I got everything covered. Yeah, I saw my mom live a fucking hard life. That's why she died at 48. But I saw my mom live a bar life and try to take care of a kid and

balance it. Terry and I were talking about tonight. I was watching the Chinese connection last night. Oh, yeah. Mercy was in the tub and I did the periscope. And I saw I saw when I was in Florida, somebody had tweeted me that Bruce Lee was on all fucking weekend on L Ray. So I didn't have L Ray down and fucking Florida at the hotel.

So last night, I remember and I put the Chinese connection on which they call fist of fury. It got released as the fist of fury, but we changed it to the Chinese connection. And it's all the same. It's all the same. OK, so that's my all time favorite. That's when his teacher dies and he avenges his teacher. That's the one I put on Rogan.

That's my all time favorite Bruce Lee movies. He's he's just he's he's he's basically. Cursey Paul Cursey. Oh, right. He's Paul Cursey in that movie. He's going to find out who killed this teacher. He does not believe that the teacher died of an ammonia and he plays that role. You know, what I tried to explain that day on the Joe Rogan podcast was how intense

he came on the scene, Bruce Lee. Like you see what Brenda Rouse is doing now, right with the Internet and everything. He was bigger without the Internet with nothing. So so when I came one day, I'm at my friend's house. Right. These cousins I played with Al Quello and he was older than me and their aunts and their mom and my mom. And every Sunday night, the show used to come on the green on it.

And at the end, some Chinese guy would bit slap the fuck out everybody and every kid in the house would lose their fucking mind. OK, it starts on kicks and back and the parents have to come and control yourselves. You know, and then the combat was on a rap patrol, one of those shows, which a lot of you youngsters would never even understand. A lot of young patients say youngsters, this is old show rap patrol. It's about this fucking open up with this Jeep in the desert. So at this point, how many stations were there?

Three. Three. OK. There was ABC, NBC and CBS. There was some Spanish stations, but you had to have a hangar behind your TV with aluminum foil and shit. You know, there was no cable. No, nothing.

So do you think he would have been as popular now? Who? Bruce Lee. Oh my God. If he was popular with three channels, so three channels. OK, so all of a sudden one day, I don't know what the fuck the show is. I know the show is called the Green Hornet. It's a Chinese fucking dude.

At the end, he just karate chops everybody. OK. And one day he disappears and I get involved in a thing called life. OK, he gets taken off the air in 68 or 69, which puts me at five or six. You know, I'm involved in this thing called life when you're four and you want to kick and they're telling you, you can't kick, but you see a fucking Chinese dude on TV kicking people on Sunday fucking nights. You lose your fucking mind.

OK. So then this fucking Chinese guy disappears. All right. And I went on with my life. I got into baseball, disco, sticky Charlie. I got into all that shit on 148th Street. And then one day he reappears in this fucking movie of him flying through the air. And I'm looking at this guy and I'm going, I know this fucking guy.

And then talking to the kids on the street to like, yeah, that's the motherfucking green hornet. Oh, so the first movie was originally called The Big Boss, which they switched to Fista Fury, which is him. He goes back to work in a nice factory. His mother sends him to fucking some planet and he gets there and he hooks up with the fucking cousin and the cousin gets him a job at a nice factory. And then the fucking cut it's 18 fucking Chinese people in the apartment and one cut

two cousins don't come back. And all these movies are in Chinese Chinese with subtitles subtitles. But at the time they had already put English dubbing. OK. So that's Fista Fury. And then he fucking fights the boss. And so at the end he beats the boss. So that's why it's called The Big Boss.

OK. All right. So then I caught the tail end of that. I'm not going to lie to anybody and tell you I saw that in the in the movie theater. I don't even know how you would watch a movie in those days at your house. I think it didn't come on. I've heard it just came on TV at a certain point. Like you had a way to something.

Excuse me. And then something miraculously happened. I was watching Happy Days. OK. Right. It was the first season of fucking Happy Days. I think I could double check with you guys. I'll look it up.

Look it up. It was the first season of Happy Days. Happy Days I think used to come on ABC on Tuesday nights. All right. This is what I'm thinking here. I'm thinking. OK. Good.

Look at what I'm looking up. Happy Days in Bruce Lee. Look up Bruce Lee Chinese Connection release date. OK. It's going to say 71 to 72. Right. It was released November 7th of 72. OK.

So now look up Happy Days TV series. 74 to 84. So two years after. So it was unless you caught it at like a no. No. We were watching something else. We were watching a different type of show that Tuesday. Like a Tuesday night on TV and what you did at Catholic school at Sacred Heart School

for boys was you got out of school at two and then you went to study hall from two to three thirty and then at three thirty you went to the dormitory you changed and you played from four to six at six. You went in for dinner at six thirty. You went back to your room and did homework for half hour. What what time do you think it was on Tuesday. I don't remember. I don't fucking know.

It was on starting at eight. It's temperature rising and then ABC movie of the week starting at eight thirty. That's fucking crazy. And then Maude Hawaii five oh ABC. That's CBS. Yeah. CBS and then NBC was Bonanza the bold ones and NBC reports. Wow.

Yeah. Two TV shows a fucking Tuesday night movie of the fucking week and they used to be a Sunday night fucking movie of the week. And then and then there was the ABC movie went from eight thirty until when it ended and the CBS started at nine thirty. So there was two movies. So you may maybe start on one of those. Well no no.

What I'm saying is it was a commercial or something that was on. OK. And we were we were kids. We had a watch TV at night. Right. And all of a sudden that trailer for Chinese Connection came on. And I'm here I am in a dormitory with the bottom line. Thirty fucking kids between the ages of eight and nine.

Like we were in a dormitory with three and forty grades. And they're all boys. Right. All of us are boys. We are graders on one side fourth graders on the other side. You were talking about this morning with John Budd who's doing some younger kid karate classes now. You're like when they're that age all you want to do is like is fight weed.

I did that from the from the age I can remember I did Taekwondo karate wrestling. I did all that. So now it's mediocre martial arts at that time at this country was there but not really. OK. And all of a sudden we're all watching TV and Lee I don't know where this Chinese guy starts beating people up and he takes new trucks out and then everybody's jaw dropped. And I remember when they said coming Friday like everybody was like we're going we're going and everybody started yelling and it's like you got to stop.

You got to stop. You got to stop. Nobody's going to go nowhere if you don't stop talking like every kid's head blew up. And after that it was all over. Once the Chinese connection hit in 72. It was like round the rousing. It was like fucking round the rousing. Everybody was dressing up with Bruce Lee shit.

Everybody had those Chinese shoes on who wasn't going to fucking China. Who didn't meet Bruce Lee in California. Who did you know it was Bruce Lee. It was fucking Bruce Lee immediately immediately like months. He was he was into fucking national because those are considered like spaghetti Westerns for Clint Eastwood. He had to go back to Hong Kong to make those and eat shit and make those again. But those made him a star.

Last night I watched the ending of the Chinese connection which I had tears in my eyes at the end. I forgot how good it was and my hats off to Robert Rodriguez. My hats off. Hats fucking off that dude because I read somewhere else. I knew about the weekend but I knew about it through Twitter about two weeks ago and I read somewhere that he was doing all weekend and he had obtained the rights to show the whole movie without the cuts.

So it was the way the director intended it for you to see it. Like I watched Return of the Dragon. There was nudity. I never saw nudity. You follow me. There was nudity in the Chinese connection. There's nudity when they're at the whatever ugly fucking Chinese women with little titties like Japanese women.

They got ugly pussies and shit disappointing as a kid. They had like well yeah you want to see big tits and the chicks got nice tits but she had a fucked up face and you know when you're 10 you don't want to see that. You want to see a fucking model. You know you don't want to see Hong Kong fucking full week. So it was just it was what really fucked me up about last night that fucked me up a couple weeks ago because I'm trying to write this book. So I'm trying to write an intro and I was thinking of something what really fucked me up.

And you know what really fucked me up like I left back. I never realized it's why I wrote this fucking thing. How much it fucked me up because it really made me insecure and it really made me how to prove myself. But it really made me have to prove myself to me which is the weirdest thing I could say. I had been out of Catholic school two years. The deal and I was telling Terry this and Terry is like you got to be shitting me. When I went when I got out of the Catholic school in the fifth grade and went to North

Bergen to McKinley in the sixth. Right. My mom didn't wake up in the mornings anymore. There was cereal. There was eggs. There was bacon. There was toast and butter. There was sodas.

There was juice. There was milk. And there was money. You do what the fuck you want. By that time my mom didn't wake up for breakfast no more. Was she mad that you left Catholic school? No, no, no, no, no. I felt I was old enough to make breakfast.

To make breakfast. Two eggs. Two pieces of bacon. Wash your dishes. You know, if you're really fucking hungry. If you're really fucking hungry you'll make breakfast. And guess what, Lee? It taught me how to make two eggs.

And then a friend of mine taught me how to make a cheese omelet with American cheese and that was it after that. I never fucking made an egg again. I made cheese omelets. Two eggs with a little milk, pepper, salt and I fucking make an omelet. But that wasn't the only thing. It was like if you want to wear those pants, I do laundry twice a week. But if you want to wear those pants, you got to do your own laundry.

You follow me? If you want to wear them more than one day? Yeah. Like my mom's like if you want those, if you wore those Wednesday and you want to wear those Friday, it's not going to happen because I'm not doing laundry until Sunday. So my mom did laundry like Sundays and Tuesdays or Saturdays and Tuesdays, Saturdays and Tuesdays. So she was like, it's not going to happen.

You want the fucking pants that bad? You wash them. So guess what, Lee? I learned how to wash my own pants. Did you have that in the house or did you ever go to a- No, I had a washer dry right in the house and we had the line outside. The whole fucking thing. What Spanish people, though?

We put a line outside. So by that time, that was the treatment I had. Like, you're old enough to take care of this shit. I'm not going to wake you up for school. I'm not going to wake you up for school. And it was a couple of times I was late and she was fucking furious. Right. Fucking furious.

You know, she didn't believe in that shit at all. But then something happened, Lee. I got left back. So the rope she had given me. Backfire? Backfire. But I couldn't tell her. I couldn't eat fucking shit.

There was no way. There was no way I was going to eat shit from my mom. There was no way. It was the roughest shit to eat. She knew how to shovel it, dog. She gave me that rope and I fucked up. That means I wouldn't ever get that freedom again. So I hid it from her.

So guess what I had to do? I had to step my game up. I had to step my game up to cover everything. So I had to fucking get A's plus. So there would be no misunderstanding. So ever since that time, I became a, I was always a good student without even thinking about it. Just sitting in class and listening. Yeah.

If you can't get a B sitting in class listening, taking little notes for 45 minutes, you deserve to fucking be a fucking mother or something. That's pretty crazy though. Do you think, like, what do you think your life would have been if you had told your mom you got left back? Like that seems like a turning point. Well, here's the other thing. I was thinking about this also last night.

You know, I'm watching this fucking Bruce Lee movie. First off, I went to Fort Lauddale this weekend. I saw some kids I grew up with. And one of the kids I always see that I didn't see this time is named Mr. Belio Pino. Me and Mr. Belio go back to fucking Sacred Heart. That's second. That's third to fifth grade. Jesus.

Okay. His dad owned a refrigeration repair service. Okay. And he was friends with my mom and my stepdad. He did all that he's Cuban dude. So Sir Belio was his son. So me and Sir Belio hung out. A kid named Mikey and a kid, Supito after Bruce Lee came out.

Us four were inseparable because Supito and Mikey, their parents were both superintendents of a building, which mean they had access to a basement. So we would go to their basements and dress up with karate guys and beat the fuck out of each other and do forms and hang bags and fucking iron palm techniques. You always have the hook up all through life. You have a friend who does this. The two of the kids. Can you believe that?

How does that even happen? The fucking kids, their parents ran buildings. So we had access to basements. You had a fight club. We had like a little fight club. But we didn't beat each other up like that. I can't. No, we didn't.

There was excellence. You know, people got kicked through a wall or something from time to time. You get aggressive. You know, it happens. You don't meet. These are your fucking goombas. You're not there to hurt them. Did you pick up the new trucks at that point at the end?

We did everything. We did everything. We walked around with lumps on their head because when you first learned the new trucks, you missed you. You miss sometimes and you clock yourself all the time. All the time. You fuck your elbow up. You fuck the back of your head up.

You fuck. Yeah. Right here. Oh my God. You clock yourself in the jaw. That's why I gave up on the back of the elbow and the fucking back of the step. I don't know how many people walking on half retarded because they had new checks. They fucking bounce them off the head.

But he created such an impact. I was thinking about Sebelio Pino. This is the saddest thing I told my wife. This was sitting there last night. She says, what's the matter? I'm watching this. I got to be fucking honest with you. This is 1972, right?

Right. You read 1972. That clocked me at nine. Nine. And again, it's 1972, ladies and gentlemen. So I want you to close your eyes for a second and think of how different life was and how slow it was. And yes, there was perverts.

And yes, there was fucking gay people trying to get their dicks sucked and there was everything. Not to the magnitude there is today. But my mom would let me walk. How far is it from blockbuster on Lancashire? You know what used to be a blockbuster? This Jersey Mike's. Right. Right.

Right. How far do you think of this from Jersey Mike's to Denny's on Lancashire? At least a couple of miles. Two miles. Because it's it's like a few main streets. It's like four or five big blocks. My mom used to let me walk from 29th and Bergen Line Avenue to 48th and Bergen Line Avenue, which is about a mile and a half.

Yeah. Jesus. With four kids to catch the 1030 Chinese connection. So in those days, I would come home on Thursday afternoons from Catholic school. My mom would go, what are you doing? Are you going to stay home? How long? I'm going to the bar with you.

Really? I'm going to spend time with mommy. Hell no. I'm going to come down and hang out with you till nine and then I'm going to go to LC and Emma and see what movies playing down there. And I would walk to the 10 o'clock film with Supito, Mike, and fucking this Pino. I did the same thing, but I was like 16 or 17. Like you did this at nine going to a 10 o'clock movie.

And walking home at 12, 15. Four fucking nine year olds walking home, like jerk off, throwing kicks in the air, punches, telling stories about fights that were never going to happen. You know, four fucking jerks. What is that area like? Is it a lot? At that time, it was. Industrial?

Was it like woods? No, no, no. At that time, 29th and Bergen Line was the street. You know how Broadway in New York City is the street? Right. The Bergen Line starts from Kennedy's Kennedy. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, people from 90th Street in North Bergen, and it goes all the way down to fucking

Hoboken, I think, all the way down to First Street, so there's like restaurants and businesses. It starts with a park and then that, but you pass a Dunkin Donuts and you pass a McDonald's and then it's, it's, it's very white for a couple of blocks. Once you get to West New York, it becomes Spanish. You know, once you get to 52nd Street, that's where that poultry store, Margarizano is where you go in the chickens and shit. Then from there down, from 48th Street down, it's Cuban. It's Cuban all the way down to fucking, in those days, to like 16th Street.

Then it was Italian, you know, Pino's Pizzeria, and now I'm lying to you. Like 20th Street, it became Italian. You know, are there like other groups of your friends walking home, because like when groups are walking home, they'll be like groups of your friends and people. You know, in these days, there were people on the streets, but not to the magnitude that you'd expect. No, but I'm saying did you see like any other kids from your class at those things? Fuck no.

Fuck no. Once in a while, yeah, like I went to see the longest short with John Bender in the afternoon. I went to see, you know, Tommy in the afternoon. There was a lot of movies I went to in the afternoon. There was a lot of movies I went to the eight o'clock. I remember going to see Enter the Dragon with my stepfather for the eight o'clock. But when I was at the bar on the Friday of Saturday night, I had two fucking options. I could sit at the bar and play pool, shuffleboard, music, play the Congress, shake people down

for money. After all that's done, it's still fucking 11 o'clock. I got four hours to burn in that motherfucker. Four hours. Geez. The Spanish music, listen to arguments, you know, watching my mom fucking dance. My stepdad come in, he's pissed off because the ice machines broke and there was always some drama.

So I would, I would say, fuck it. A movie? What are you fucking kidding me? Or training at supito's? Fuck yeah. I brought my gi with me. I'll come down over there and we'll beat each other up till midnight. And my mom would go, how are you getting back?

I'm walking. No, I don't want you walking. Call me and I'll send a cab over there for you. Well, sometimes I get a cab home, but when I was with those kids, we fucking walked. We're cab. We walked. I mean, does it, do you wish you had more structure? I don't know.

I don't know. I'm pretty much the example of the opposite. I am blown away by the rope that I had and it didn't really hit me till last night. I was watching that movie going. This came out in 71 to 72. That clocks me and ain't a fucking nerd. You mean I was walking from 29th Street to 48th Street on a fucking every Friday and Saturday and watch movies.

Like I was a movie kid. I went to the fucking movies as much as I could. You know, every movie that I could go watch and every martial art movie that came out, I went and watched two or three fucking times. Was this the thing you did at almost every Friday with your friends? That's just, that's crazy. I loved going to movies with my friends. I loved it.

Who doesn't? That's how you learned everything. That's how you learn culture, what the fuck was going on, people were, I don't know. For me, it was an escape. I was sitting there last night at that movie, watching that fucking movie last night, thinking how as it got to the end, how I remember like, fuck, I'm going to have to go, after I walk home with my friends and do this, I don't know what I'm walking into. Like by 72, 73 at the bar, I never knew what I was walking into.

So you'd go back to the bar? Well, well, no, no, I'd walk over the bridge and go to a discotheque. Yeah, I'd fucking go to a bar, I'd go back to my mother's bar. My house in those days was in New York City. Oh. That's why I had to wait there till three. So that's why New Jersey was nothing. You better walk around New York City.

Yeah. I, you know, like I had to be there till three because we lived in New York till I was 10. So you follow me. Once out, my mom would tell me, once you're in Jersey, there ain't no coming back. There ain't no 930. I'm tired. So there was a rule. Once I went to Jersey, I was in till 3am with them.

I didn't leave the bar till 320, 330, and by the time we got home, 10 to four, fuck it. Then we'd go home. We'd cook something. We'd talk shit. And I'd go to fucking bed in those days. This is when I was, when I lived in New York City. That's crazy. That is crazy.

I mean, I grew up, my mom was strict. My dad kind of had, he worked in nightclubs. So he was out till 2, 3 in the morning a lot, but he was home during the day and my mom was super strict. My dad was super strict and it just, the little kid in me is a little bit jealous. Like I would have loved to do that. I also grew up in a town that didn't have some of that stuff, but I would have loved to be able to walk to the movies.

But then hearing all the crazy stuff he'd go through, maybe it wasn't like, I don't know. I don't know if it was good or bad. Okay. What's the closest movie to that? My house. Lancashire and fucking Magnolia, whatever that is over there, right? Yeah.

What you're trying to ask me is if when Mercy's 10, what I let her walk over there from where I live, well, that's a million fucking, you know, I was going to say, yes, you, you don't think so? Cause that's super close. I would love to tell you that I let her walk that I don't know. I just don't know. Cause that I don't trust Dick anymore. You can't.

I don't trust Dick anymore. It's a, it's scary, but I remember you go to a fucking parade. You get hit by a car. It's a weekend that fat little fucking chicken and the boyfriend saying that he, she didn't do drugs. I don't know what really went down. I can't watch those videos anymore. No, I want, you know, you turn the news on expecting a fucking sunny day and you see

a story about somebody going into some state fair in Oklahoma, some shit. You didn't see it. I saw something. I don't look at the news anymore, man, cause it's, it's sad. That's why I walked my wife and the baby to school on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays and coming down. I walk them and I pick them up. I hate all those streets.

Oh yeah. Hate them with all my heart. I hate all those streets over there. And she's only getting bigger. Mercy. Oh yeah. You get more money for, you know, they could get fucking 2,000 in Mexico for it. She's three or four.

She's huge. Got blonde there. They get 10,000 for it and shit. You know, these fucking people are animals. That's how you have to think. Yeah. That's how you, and I tell my wife, I tell everybody, you know, I don't know how you allow this in this society.

I couldn't. But then what happens when she's, I got fucking major league problems because if you come to me, not you being you, Lee, right, but I'm talking about Joe Perry comes to me and says, Hey man, I'm going to a fucking Dodger game. Do you mind if your daughter comes and my daughter to the game? I'm going to fucking pickle. I'm going to fucking pickle. Why?

Because, you know, I just don't know Lee. I just don't fucking know. But then what happens when Mercy turns 18, she goes to NYU or wherever she goes to college and if she's been guarded her whole life, maybe she'll walk in Harlem and get mugged and she won't have like the street smarts part of it. I know. I know. That's the other end.

That's the other end. I think, I mean, I went, I did stuff like that with other parents, but I think my mom probably wouldn't have let me do it with certain parents. So I think you'll probably like right now, you probably have certain kids, moms and dads. You think you're like, let me tell you something to tell you right out. I don't have mercy in the car as much as I should because I smoke reefer and I know this going in. If I'm straight, then I'll put mercy in the car and I'll drive.

But if I'm not completely straight, I'll let my wife drive. Yeah. I do this with my child. I can never, what, what if, what if Lee, your child comes over my house and the process is him coming over. My other friend comes over and we smoke a ball while we're talking shit. Now I got to drive your kid back. You understand me?

I wouldn't do it. I'll Uber that fucking child over there with my wife and Uber her back before I get in the car with your child hot. That's how I think. What I do on my own terms is what the fuck I do. I do with mercy. I guess she's, she's three. If mercy is 18, I look at her in the face and go, hey, I just ate 600 fucking milligrams

of that stuff. You want to take a ride to fucking Valencia with me? You follow what I'm saying? Yeah. Only you because you're a lunatic would do 100 on the way back from San Diego with me. When I'm with mercy in the car, I drive completely different. Really? When I'm with Terry in the car, I drive completely different.

You don't drive like that with Terry? Half and half. But not with mercy in the fucking car. Oh, it's an experience with you, but it's, uh, I don't, I, there was one, you're scared for your child. I don't know how your parents do it, but there was a one guy, one father at my high school who everyone knew was drunk all the time. So like, I wouldn't get in the car with him.

There was a, like I've heard stories of him, like driving over medians and stuff like that. So it happens, but you have to, oh, but, um, yeah, I mean, I don't know how people send their kids to school now. I honestly don't, and all that's really scary. And like, like I used to make, I don't make fun of, but my, like my, my mom was sad that I was leaving for college. I was like, yeah, why, like, why are you so sad? Like it's great.

And now it's just, it's crazy to think how much, like how much they rely on you and how like you're in charge of a life. It freaks me out. You know, first you went to college, which was how far from your home? 45 minutes. That was close. And you stayed at home. You lived in the dorm.

I lived in the city. So you, you moved out early. You, I moved out that shit. You took a loan and then I job in the movie theater business. The only, the only summer I spend at home, the last time I lived with my mom was after summer, after freshman year, I went home to work and after, since then I haven't lived at home and for the past five years, I've lived 3000 miles away, which is crazy.

And then you left and came out here. Yeah. What did that? Were they upset? No. Where was Dickie Syat? He was down in Florida already. He was down in Florida when I was in college, but they, they were never upset.

I'm sure my mom misses me. I know, I mean, I know she does, but she understands sometimes I do feel guilty that like, why am I out here? She had not surgery, but she had a couple of things done the other day. And I was like, oh, I should be there to drive her, but it's, uh, she understands. I think your father's an interesting cat. Yes, he is. I really learned a lot from that two or three hours I spent with him.

He's a funny dude. You're a lucky dude to still have him around. Yes, I am. Thank God. It's funny. I was sitting there with him and now I understand what you're saying. You know, like there's some things that you can't have your dad around when you're doing, do you understand?

Like they just don't feel right. Yeah. Like it's, uh, it's weird. I don't mind smoking a joint if my kids around or something, but there's just some stuff like, like he, when my kitten on somebody, when your dad's around, would be weird or if he hit on somebody, it just happened to me actually. And he's been here this now, but he called me the day after I had a porn director on my podcast and I talked about how I used to know where his porn

was and he called me and was like, he told me a story that he was on a show once and told a story about losing his virginity and his parents called him. And he was telling me this and I wanted to crawl out of my own skin that he had heard that I used to watch his porn and I just had to like change the subjects. It was the worst. And it's just, it's, I mean, at this point, like you're going to run into it with Mercy at some point, she's this thousands of hours of this. So it's kind of hard to be embarrassed now.

I don't watch porn. Well, not porn, but she's not going to find my fucking stash because I don't have a stash. Yeah. But then you'll have one dirty magazine at the house. Well, you don't have to now, but one, one day she might log on to your computer. I have nothing dirty on there. You don't go to you porn?

I have the you porn. Yeah. That's all they need. I don't know when the last time I clicked on that you born, it pops up, it goes away, back to fucking computer. It just shows up and then you use it. No, I don't, I don't, I don't, it's not that I used it. It's not that I put it, I already told me fucking 10 years ago, they were

talking about porn when I used to go on the road with those guys. Right. I knew nothing. Do you not understand? I knew nothing. I knew that they were talking about downloading and I would just make believe like, you know, I don't know what's going on. Downloading, you're like, Oh yeah, I download all the time.

They wouldn't talk to me about that shit. They knew better. I'm uploading. I'm downloading. They would talk about downloading and how what's it like in your hotel room? Is your computer coming in and they would sit around like three jerks, him, Duncan and Brian and Joe. And I don't know if something's buffering, you know, what the fuck it is.

And I would sit there like, I don't know what these guys are talking about. I wouldn't even think of bringing a computer with me on the road. Right. Wouldn't even think it wasn't like a computer on the road. I didn't want a fucking computer in my house. So you never like know how these porn to get to masturbate, jack off. I guess. No, they would talk about all this disgust and videos.

And then at night, we would get high and go to somebody's room and they would show me all this stuff. That's how I learned about little things. Yeah. And they showed me my space and they showed me. Well, I had a hotmail, but I lost a code years ago. I still got the same. I feel like you had it on a piece of paper in your wallet.

It's like when someone teaches their grandmother about the Internet. I had that hotmail account since 1997. Houston, Texas, Stacey, Pocolluto, who I spoke to today, made that email for me. So do you ever look back at the emails from that time? No, I never got emails. I didn't send an email. Nobody I didn't send an email to anybody till like 2003. That's the first email I ever sent anybody.

Really? It was like 2000. So you had it for years and just didn't use it? No. And now you're like king of technology, almost among comedians. Like, well, not like nerd stuff, but like you're in all social media platforms and stuff. Yeah, but I can't tell it like I'm not on Instagram. I'm not a lot.

Yeah, but you don't have to pay to get all blurry and stuff. Every fucking day, every fucking day, I get four requests for Lincoln. I don't know what it is. I don't know who they are. They just want to network with you socially. Listen, I've said it once. I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. I don't want to know more business people.

It's like business for who? For people who don't want to keep bothering me. I didn't set up a page. I didn't even set up a fucking page. You understand me? That was so sincere. Why? I could see if I bothered you and then you bother me back.

I know nothing. One day I started getting fucking friendship requests from business invitations to be my friend. I'm like, who is this? What is this? Lincoln didn't know. I don't know nothing. I just erased him now.

Every day I get four or five people want to be my business network. Why? I got no money. I can't do nothing. You don't want to network? No, what network? What? And talk about what?

So you can let people know how you're doing professionally. I'm not doing not professionally. I'm sitting here with a fucking little Jew from Boston who kicked the shit out of me and jujitsu. You know, that's all I'm fucking doing. What am I doing? I'm not doing nothing. What am I going to talk to you about?

I got enough problems that you should just make a Lincoln and count and have it just be I'm not doing nothing and then they'll leave you alone. But look, here's the thing. I never set one up. You must have clicked on it. At some point, maybe people are just putting your name in. Why do people got to bother me? I don't want to bother you.

I don't want to fucking. I don't know. Instagram, that means I got to take pictures. Right. I don't want to do that. That's too much work. I like I got to go back to sprint the fucking Wi-Fi. I can't send pictures.

I can't send pictures and nothing no more. Let's suck. Jesus Christ, Joe, 500 milligrams. What's the one do another one? Not really, but I don't really have a choice for a lot. There was a lot of fun, man. Yeah, you said thank you for spending time with my dad. By the way, he's a good dude.

Like I said, you're very fortunate to still have just sitting there with him. Just brought back, you know, it just made me realize how lucky you were. Like how lucky a lot of people are that your dad's around to see you there. You know, and sometimes I'm like, why doesn't Lee live close to deck? You know, why don't you guys live together, share an apartment like Austin and Felix? And I understood the other night. Yeah. He's a great guy.

I would have him around, but I understand how you want your space. You know, you want your, you don't want your dad to see you on the head of acid. You don't want your dad to see you here. Hear me having sex with Paula, right? Like a couple of times an apartment has popped up like in the building of Paula's and I'll see the sound of a joke. Hey, maybe I'll just move in down there and I couldn't even imagine like how we ever be able to have sex again if we live in the same building as

as her mom. So yeah. No, I love my dad, but he he's happy down there. Yeah, we wouldn't we wouldn't be able to live together. I love and I love no, no, but I'm not even talking about you. I'm talking about just sometimes I see some people make a work, though. Some people have like Johnny Rock has a great relationship with his parents. And where do they live? I don't know where they live, but they live he lives with them.

I don't know where they live, but some people make it work. If my parents were alive and they have a house, that garage would be the fucking million dollar garage. You understand me still at fifty if you hadn't gotten married. I would still be I ain't gonna lie. Nobody I see you motherfuckers moving out, creating debt. You don't need. You're so fucking stupid. You're so fucking stupid.

It's crazy. It's well, maybe it's because you had a little bit of a lax. Yeah, I didn't have well, nothing. You didn't have it. And I wish I had it. I wish. Listen, OK, here it is. Plain and fucking simple. OK, this is what I wish would have happened.

But I had somewhere to stay with no rent. I was 24, 25. That's what I wish. To give me that little jumpstart, that little jumpstart would have given me enough for a car. I could have done school. I could have done a lot of things. And I had friends who stayed at home longer.

But under the right circumstances, if your parents own the home and your parents are comfortable and they had a couple of bedrooms downstairs, you know, there's some families that it doesn't know. You know, you take the garbage out, you mow the lawn, right? Shovel the snow. So what? And you say fucking six hundred a month, seven hundred a month, all those years that your friends are already getting in debt right after college. I want you to hear me out here, what I'm saying to you here.

Those two years after college are fucking crucial. A fucking crucial. So OK, you you you got a gig, you got a gig making pizzas and your valet park and the valet job pays you three hundred on Friday nights and Saturday nights. Right. So you basically got no social life. Now you're interviewing to get the job that you want to college for. But the whole time you're paying six bills a month rent and you're paying

your student loans or whatever you could defer them for a year or whatever. Fuck the deal. You only get six months, six months or whatever. So tell me, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. You go when you're 18, you come out when you're 22, 21. Right. You need two years, just two years in the basement. Two years that you do your own lines, you give your mom a 50. You drive your dad to the doctor, you mow the lawn and they too badly. Well, so what happens if three months and you get a job?

Are you still staying there? Because that's where I where I'm like, no, I would stay there until I got a little jumpstart, Lee. I would stay there until I got a little jumpstart. So I go to college and I got a job making any grand of a fucking year. Let's pretend forty eight and five. I'm staying with my mother's. I'm staying on that fucking basement for another two years till I get until they throw me out.

I don't think it's good. I think I see a lot of people doing that now and like they don't know how to deal with buying furniture, paying 10 like all that weird shit that you don't understand. I'm not talking about mom. I'm living downstairs and you're doing everything. I'm talking to my mom. I'm taking over the downstairs. I'm going to paint it.

I'm going to put that shit in storage. I'm going to put a little wall over there. I'm going to put some rat traps and some mice trapped downstairs. I ain't cooking downstairs, but I'm going to put a couch downstairs in a bed. I've seen a thousand of my friends do it. Thousands of my friends have converted beautiful downstairs basements. Beautiful. You can't disrespect and you can't do blow and bring bitches over there like you'd like to.

But you know what? Usually you meet a girl and it all works out. I would. I'm telling you, a little cushion always can help you out. When I was 21, 20, 22, 23, you have no idea that's all I was praying for was a cushion and I had one with the benders and I blew it. I had one right when my mom died with the benders. I could have stayed there to whatever, but I blew it. And then I found another one with the running.

It was like 40 hours a week. It was 200 a month. That's not bad. OK. And you you follow me 200 a month is better than 800 a month, especially when you could sneak upstairs and get a meatball sandwich or get cereal or milk, something to belly out in the morning when you're hungry. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I'm just and I think I can see I could see I could see that you wanted to fly the coop. Oh, yeah.

Listen, I flew the coop at fucking 19. I flew the coop too. And I knew I was always going to fly the coop. I didn't know when, but I always knew like Texas. People talk to me about Texas and Houston and Colorado and California. But what really surprised me about Colorado was that every time I watched something on ABC, especially as a child, they always said, you know, six o'clock Pacific, seven o'clock mountain.

And I didn't have I didn't have the Internet. So I had to get an encyclopedia. Find out what mountain town was. The mountain town time zone was. And I looked at those states and I'm going to go in Wyoming, Colorado. You know, I think it's Utah. I forget which one up north more. But I was like, this is this is amazing.

Nobody talks about these states. Nobody talks about this mountain time zone. So you just want to go see what it was. So it fucked with me. It fucked with me. It fucked with me constantly. Like that's why I went to Colorado. That's one of the main reasons I was just because of the mountain time zone.

Because it fucked with me. How was it? Nobody talked about it. Do you like it? Yeah, sure. I liked it. I ended up living there, dying there, you know, getting the vote. Yeah, I liked it. But it was all, I'll tell you where else is a child intrigue the fuck out of me. Seattle, Washington.

Why? I don't know because of the supersonics in the seventies heaven series. I always wanted to live in New York City. Did you? Yeah, it was something about Seattle. Just hearing about Seattle that intrigued me. Yeah. And then in 87, I watched the good fellas and they talk about Seattle.

That's where Henry Hill was. I'm like, I can't believe all these crazy people go to Seattle. Then in 94. Copain. They're from Seattle. I'm like, fucking Seattle is in the news again. And then at night, I told you that I would go home and the the the comedy newspaper at the time, right.

Was published out of San Francisco. Just for laughs, comedy newspaper was published out of San Francisco. But the guy booked San Fran, Reno and Seattle. So in all the issues of that newspaper, he always had the logos for those clubs. And I would always look at the Seattle logo and go, wow, someday, if I ever get funny, I'm going to play that fucking club. I swear to God, if I ever get funny, I'm going to play that fucking club. I'm going to figure out how to play the underground as a fucking MC or a feature.

Did you play it? Listen, dog. And I fucking got into comedy and I was into it three, four years. And I featured in Minneapolis, Minnesota and Michigan. I'm sorry. And I met this girl and I go, what are you going to do? And she goes, I'm moving to Seattle in a week. And I go, well, I'll go up there and see you on the way to Colorado.

I'm the way to Seattle. Stop in Colorado and see me. And that's crazy. And I ended up in Seattle. Jesus. And then, but did you play that club? The underground. Yeah.

First club I ever did a feature spot at my life. I opened up for Glory Kim Martin. I had MC'd before. I had MC'd at the club in Baltimore. I had MC'd at one of the clubs in Denver. I had MC'd in. So you traveled as an MC. Yeah.

Three hundred a week. For like fucking 19 shows. Jesus Christ. I didn't know that. Michigan hired me. Baltimore hired me. One of the clubs in Denver hired me. You know, I was doing little feature spots in one nighters.

And I was doing feature spots in triple runs. But I had never featured in a fucking club before. Never mind the fucking comedy underground. And I was going to move back to Boulder to do the sports betting service. I moved to Seattle in June. OK. And?

Football started in August, September. By the end of August, he came to me. He could, by middle of August, they called me and said, you want to feature? We'll give you a feature spot the first week of September. And I was like, fuck football. I'm staying here and I'm featuring. And I featured.

And then from featuring there, I got a bunch of little jobs. And I said, listen, I won't be back till October. So I started my own sports betting service. And I got another call. And they're like, listen, we want you to fucking. We want you to we want you to do the Seattle comedy competition starts in November. So I said, what am I going to do?

I'm going to call this guy. Fuck it. I just start my own sports betting service. I was going to say, you like made a choice for comedy. Like that's pretty good. But then how do you start your own betting service? You're just taking bets? Are you giving a picture?

No, because the sports betting service is basically when you sell somebody information, which is when a person knows people who knows people, who give you the scores and no referees to gain. And who are your references at this point? I know a couple of friends that knew people. I know a guy who played hockey like that now. I just listen, you just have a hunch.

Listen, when I when I work for the sports betting service that I work for, it was basically three or four guys that made a decision that had been involved in it for a long time and really knew the game and made a decision. But one of the things he told me once that really stuck out my mind, he goes, I want, I guys want, I want you to know something.

Pete Rose was betting on baseball and he was losing. Arch Sleetzer was betting on football and he was losing. And there's a bunch of other names that he dropped and they were losing and they actually played the game. What makes you think we could be accurate? What do you, I don't understand what he meant by that. These guys were playing the fucking game. Oh, and they were betting.

Every goddamn day and they were losing. Oh, okay. You know what I'm saying? They were involved. Arch Sleetzer was a quarterback with the Indianapolis Colts way before you even thought about fucking football. You were still sucking your mom's titties. And he was going touchdowns.

He was betting on football and he was the first guy to get banned. If you want to double check the NFL, Arch Sleetzer was the first boy. I think he was on Indianapolis when they were something else. Before they were the Colts, they were the Indianapolis something.

Well, the Baltimore Colts. Well, this is when they were Indianapolis before all that shit went down. NFL, Arch Sleetzer, S-C-H-L-I-T-Z-E-R, NFL quarterback. He's the first guy to get fucking banned, I think, Lee. I'll look, I'll keep looking forward to it. That's how he's supposed to be. So he once said it, he goes,

if all these guys were playing the game and losing, what makes you think we could bet this shit? That's crazy. And, but did he, were they involved with those? Like with throwing the games? Are they, they were just- No, no, no, no. All they did was make a prediction.

And how can they make a prediction when people are cheating? That's what they're saying. No, no, no, nobody's saying nothing about cheating. Well, isn't throwing games cheating? No, they weren't throwing games. The sports betting service isn't throwing games. No, I'm saying the players.

No, no, Arch Sleetzer was betting on himself or whatever. I don't know what the fuck he was doing. Okay. I don't know if he was throwing games or just betting other football games. Sometimes they just bet other games. So they don't fucking know. Do you find what I'm saying to you?

So if I'm a quarterback for the Jets, and I'm betting the fucking Buffalo Miami game. Okay. You know what I'm saying? I played against both those motherfuckers, right? See who knows. I know both their defenses. I know what both those quarterbacks could do.

I've been playing football since I'm fucking seven, right? To be an NFL quarterback, you just don't decide to be a quarterback when you're in college and start throwing fucking darts. You've been throwing darts since fucking Pee Wee football. Right. So you know this game. And all of a sudden, here you are

and you're a fucking junkie. You're a betting fiend. And you're gambling and you can't fucking pick a winner. Do you follow what I'm saying to you? So if you're an NFL player and you can't pick a winner, what does that tell you? That you can't, nobody can, nobody can. So nobody could be as active as they say they can.

So here I am living in fucking Seattle, right? I'm hustling. I'm doing little fucking videos for industrials, for AT&T and companies like that. They're mailing me checks. I'm getting $50 a show here. I'm living with this broad. She spends with three hands.

She's a fucking stripper. I got no way to make a living. I go, fuck it. I'm just gonna do the sports, but anything on my own. And how do you advertise that? Okay, nice and easy. I bump into this dude who knows a dude who works for a fucking phone company.

Oh, yeah. This is the craziest thing ever. I'm thinking about it for like two weeks because now I gotta stay there. And I'm at Joshua's place. Or maybe I'm at the underground. See, the comedy underground upstairs has a sports bar. And that's where all those sports people hung out.

The Mariners are not there. And the football players are not there. Seahawks. The Seahawks, not the basketball team. They were black. They hung out on the other side of town. And they hung out at the jazz club. No, I'm not trying to be cute.

I'm telling you the truth. Okay. But my comedian friend right along, they hung out at a different atmosphere. They hung out at a place where people drank wine or it was beautiful. I went there a couple of times. We were all along.

He took me there a couple of times. But the other place was like Rodney McDowell. We used to hang out with Pearl Jam and fucking, you know, I don't even remember the football players from Seattle that hung out there. But they were like bar guys, you know? Right. The up-ended line.

Okay, so I bump into this fucking dude. We're just talking one day. And he's telling me that he's working for some phone company and they give you an 800 number for free. If you subscribe to the service, it's eight cents a minute. I don't fucking know. You know me. I'm stiffing the company anyway.

Doesn't matter what rate they give me. As long as we can do paperwork and there's no down payment, let's do it. So I start talking to like, I take his card. Just God goes, take his card. I take his card. One day I'm on a fucking newsstand by the newspaper. And I look down and I see the best

hundred sports betting services in the country. I pick it up. I know it's bullshit right off the bat. This is all one company who advertises and they put down everybody else and they put the top three companies in the top five. Oh, okay. Because you just don't own one spending company.

You own three of them. So I would be Joey Diaz International Sports. Right. You would be Lisa Yat, the king of Israel. And then we'd have Sports Mania, offensive money men from fucking Syria. And just get all the business. And then hire an Arab guy to answer the phone.

And say that they're, what's like, what's all the, what's with the oil? What's the fake fucking island? Oh, Dubai? Dubai. Say that there from Dubai. Sports guys from Dubai. Get some fucking Arab to answer the phone.

Hello. Listen, what's going on? Listen, over here, we bet for thousands of dollars. That's all they want. That's all the sports betting services. So I listened to what I fucking do. I read the magazine. I look at the guy's call and I look where the magazine

is printed and who puts it out. And I get the information. I call this motherfucker direct. And I go, listen, Doug. I know what you're doing. Were you watching law and order at this point? Like, how are you doing this? This is, this is cause I'm a savage, right?

I call this fucking moron in San Diego. I'm living in Seattle. And I go, listen, I just picked up your magazine. I worked for blah, blah, blah. And I know what the fuck you're doing. I go, can you help me out? And he goes, what are you talking about? I did a survey or you did no fucking survey.

Right here. This is your address. This is your mailing. This is where your money. Look, it's, you can't be that fucking stupid. I don't even have a fucking computer. I figured this out. I feel like a beautiful mind of criminal activity.

I go, what the fuck is wrong with you? And he goes, well, no, my partner, he's the sports guy. I put the magazine out. Yeah, okay, okay. Listen, you're talking to Uncle Joey here. How do you do your angle? He goes, well, people call me and I sign them up for the season.

Right there. I knew why the guy was retarded. Right there. Because you don't want to sign. Nobody wants to sign up for the season. They're going to try you first. They want you to give them a free pick before you give them the season,

two, three picks in a weekend for free. You ain't got that type of time. You're going to foil before the season's over. Nobody's going to stick around for a season. People that are new don't know this. Young gamblers that lose a season, they don't know this. And what do you do? You pre-pay for the season?

Yeah, these morons call up and they'll pay $9.99 for the fucking season. And you get all the picks? Every weekend you get picks. See, that seemed like a good deal to me now. I'm like, right, but that, that means you're with them. What if they start losing after week four and they take you down the tumultuous fucking road of debt

by the time of week 10, you're going to keep calling these fucking morons. How much does like a pick week by week cost? So now they would call and they would go listen. The package costs $15.99. I'm going to do this, send me $9.99 today and I'll get you started. And after a couple of weeks, you send me the balance.

I don't give a fuck about the balance link. I got your $9.99 already. Right. All right, so I go, do me a favor. When people call you, send me the fucking names of the people who don't sign up with you. You would say that?

Yeah. And he goes, okay, what do I get? I go, I'll tell you, I don't know what deal I cut with him. I cut some funky deal with him, but it had to do with me not spilling the beans on this fucking magazine. I know that. Okay, I know he did something.

We did, we worked something out. He would not email me. We do, he faxed me the names. Yes, he would fax me the names of people who called him but didn't pay. That's a fucked up way to start a business. Listen to me. So I would get those leads from him.

They're not leads. Those are leads. Those are leads. But they didn't want to buy. So what? They didn't want to buy from him. They didn't hear Uncle Joey's pitch. Oh shit.

Okay, so boom. I call you up with the same piece of paper he's got. So he wanted to sign them up for the season. Right? Okay. $9.99. I come in like, oh listen, Lisa, who's this? This is Joe Patero's fucking nephew.

All right, here's what we're doing. Hello, sir. I'm sorry. I just said that. I don't know why I said that. Who's this? Who's this? Joey Bananas.

Who's Joey Bananas? I worked for fucking all star sports. You called us a month ago looking for the season. Yeah, I'm not interested. Hold on, hold on. Let me talk to you about something, man. Hold on. You spoke to my partner, Mike, right?

Yeah, but he wanted $9.99 for the fucking season. That's why I'm calling you. Listen to me. My name is Joe Bananas. I've been around the fucking block, all right? I've been running with the big boys for 18 fucking years. I make my living off this shit. When you were fucking jerking off with your friends,

I was hanging out with Joe Namath snorting fucking coke off chickstitties and finger banging bitches and shit like, and people go, who's this? Who's this? Who gave you my number? Who? And I just blow him away and I go, listen. I don't wanna work with you for a season.

I don't wanna work with nobody for a season. I'm gonna do this. Send me $200 to get started for $2,000. After I make you $2,000, you don't wanna work with me no more? You go your way and I go my way. How would you know that they won $2,000? They would just tell you? Yeah, they'd tell me what they're gonna bet.

So then what? They're lying to me off the bat. They're telling me they bet $50,000 a game. That means they bet $500 a game. Oh, it's under, I would think it'd be over. They're always lying, they're always lying, they're always lying to you. So I would call these guys up and say,

my name is whatever. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'll give you two picks a week. You bet them for $50,000, that's $3,000. At the end of the month, you're up 12 fucking thousand. How much you gonna like me then? But I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you 200 for 2,000, 10 points. And people would fucking sign up.

I had like 20, 25 people at one time. But that means every Saturday, if I was on the road in those days, which I was, I'd have to get up, go to a pay phone, get a calling card, and call every fucking client with a game. Oh, okay. I was a one-man operation.

And then after you made them 2,000, would they re-up for another 200 or do you have other deals? No, the 2,000 would never come. I'd go into them the next day if they won. Oh. I'd go right back to the tactics I learned when I worked for the company. And they'd have to pay for the new one again?

Fuck yeah, that's why I made my money. So if I called you up, right, and you said to me, well, I'm broke, I already lost a fucking weekend, whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I go, all right, do this, bet 300, 300, and 300. Bet 300 grand, 300 total, and 300 paulette. That's fucking, you know. That's,

900 bucks. Oh, 50. That's 1,050. All right, so you're halfway there. Guess who you're calling, the first thing tomorrow morning. Guess what the first call you're gonna make after you win a thousand dollars is to. To you.

To me. Joy bananas, oh shit. Great night last night. What do you got for me today? Listen, this is where it gets bad. What are you talking about? The information I got from the fucking Jew fell through. What do you mean it fell through?

It fell through. I don't know what the fuck happened. So what's that mean? Does that mean we gotta go to an outside source? What's that mean? It means that it's gonna cost us more fucking money, right? And I'm not fucking happy. I was supposed to go on a fucking cruise

to see Jerusalem and say, he's fucking Jesus, but they murdered him and shit. How do you think I feel? I got the grandmother, the mother-in-law, and they go, what are you talking about? Yeah, it's gonna cost me a thousand dollars. So this is what I need for you to do, okay? I just broke it up amongst my partners.

Do me a fucking favor. Go to Western Union. What are you talking about? Go to Western Union. Go down to Western Union and send me $1,500 fucking dollars. Joe, what are you talking about? I need $1,500. Listen, listen to me.

You won how much last night? A thousand, but that's not our agreement. Listen, I know you want $1,000. You want $1,000 with four-star information. I'm gonna call this guy right now. This guy walks around with a suitcase with a handcuff on his fucking hand. Okay, I need fucking $1,250.

I thought you said $1,250. Listen, I'm gonna cut your deal. I need $1,750. Send me $1,250 right fucking now, and we're gonna get the game at a fucking year. You got, can you bet $1,000 tonight? Joe, what are you talking about? I only bet $500.

Listen, are you fucking listening to me? Do you think I would charge you fucking $1,250 if I'm not gonna make you $100,000 tonight? I want you to start. I want you to go to Western Union, send me the $1,250, call me back with a 10-digit confirmation, then call me back. I want you to tell me how many bookies

you could put $10,000 and buy, click. And then what do you say when your team loses? You think I'm fucking happy? The fucking information fell. What'd you lose? I lost $150,000. If you lost $150,000, do you know what I lost? You've miserable fucked.

I lost $300,000. Plus, I'm not going to Europe. Plus, my wife left me for the fucking midget down the corner, cause it's got a bigger dick than I do. So you wanna call me with $150,000, go fuck yourself. You ain't got nothing, you fuck. Call me back later, I'll give you the game of the week, and I just hang up on them.

Really? And they call you back and give me more money? Like nothing. They wouldn't give me more money than I gotta win them an envelope. But I know people who used to go on right there and give to them again, down $150,000. Now what are you gonna do?

Now we gotta go to the big leagues. I thought that was the big, that was nothing. This is a ref in the NFL. So how often were you going to the Western Union? Do you have anything like an account there? Oh fuck yeah. You have somebody who just picks up cash from Western Union all day long.

I can't believe you were at like. That's what I did. Funny bone, and we're sitting in a payphone with the picks of the week. One time in Oregon, one time in the other side of Washington, Pasco, or something like that. It's just a disco inferno in there, the comedy room. It used to be 10% off of breakfast, lunch,

and dinner, Jesus Christ, the food was bad. But what are you gonna do? That's how you start in the comedy, man. At least you got 10% off. At least you got 10% off. You can play some music, you can fucking sit there like a putt. I am one step ahead of you.

No you're not. No you're not. God, it's like. I wanna be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody, twice as smart as I.

Or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves the company. Jiu-Jitsu was fun today. Bro, let's don't come crying to me by Jiu-Jitsu. Oh my Christ, that was fun. Do we say you don't wanna go?

Now look at you, now you're a fucking savage. I like it in the smaller classes. Hassan killed me on Thursday. We were doing the Anaconda one, the opposite of the Dars, and fucking killed me. But it's getting better. Look at you, you're shrinking,

you're getting more muscular. Pretty soon you're gonna be able to join the Mr. Olympia contest and you'll be walking around with a shirt bumbling to people. Oh, if I ever get a six pack, I'm never wearing a shirt. That's gonna be great.

Not even a six pack, just flat. I love a man with goals, you got goals. Look at you, you're thinking about six packs and fucking 12 packs. Not even packs, just. You were fucking on your mind. You used to go to 24 out of fitness and you told him to suck your dick,

it's over, you ain't going to. I see, I don't know what to do now because I put a year into it so my rate's lower now. I'm probably gonna do something on the weekends. You won't let me not work out for three days. But now it's like 30 bucks a month. You used to.

You used to do that fucking stupid stand master without the handles. Yeah, we know. Jesus, we're gonna start. No. Let's do what we want. We had 500 milligrams there. Let's break the record to the, what the fuck?

You only live once. I might just, I might end now. I'm sure we'll just do it. You got any chicken? There's a full moon tonight. You got any chicken caught in blue left at the house? I got a box left, yeah. How many pieces in the box?

I get the big box because it's six. Six, we'll go on over there later. We'll eat some chicken caught in blue. Okay. We'll watch some late night television. What do you think? We're gonna let you know the star of death. Might as well at this point.

Everyone emails me like, oh, 15 milligram menable. I really knocked me out for the night. We're talking about doing 625 on a Monday night for no reason. We were killed in 11 a.m. First of all, there's always a reason. There's three little fucking black kids where they bolted, hoping they had a star of death somewhere right now

in fucking Africa. Somewhere there's somewhere in Iowa, same, I wish I had a star of death. Let's do it for a bowl of that. And you're fucking sitting there going, I mean, six fucking stars, who gives a fuck? You can't walk on one leg, but you remember that. I won't be walking.

You're as tough as nails. You gotta, ooh, but anyway, speed that, don't you? I might have to tonight. Who gives a fuck? You gotta break your, didn't you say you ate three stars? None of that happened to you, I think. Yeah, that doesn't mean you eat fucking five. I don't know.

That doesn't mean you eat fucking five. Well, you little piece of ash. No. Where's that piece of ash that's still here? Yeah. It's still there. We've got a loan. It's there fermenting.

I can have 10 DEA just coming here right now they couldn't find that fucking. Well, let's not, let's not taunt them. I ain't gonna taunt no one, boy. Oh, my God. No, it was really nice. I saw, I'm telling all four loud down here. Oh, cool.

I've seen your dad, Dickie Sayah. He had a good time. Fucking place had good Chinese food. You're saying? The house. Called me every night like fried rice in the dumplings. The house fried rice was very nice. I don't know what to.

Guys, I'm not a fucking casino guy. Have I ever been a casino guy? Fuck no. I don't like no place. Now, when I walk in there, that's where I was to take my fucking money. What's up? What are you looking up at the fucking ceiling?

Full of your eyes are all red. I don't have a will or anything. When you walk into a casino, when you walk into a casino, that's where I was to take your fucking gears. Right, but it doesn't feel like that. No, yes, it does. It does.

They take, you know, when you see a slot machine and you walk down that alleyway, it's like going down the alleyway and seeing a hooker. Yeah, the slot machines I don't really get. Talking later is good at them, but that's not how I feel. That's, I like, I love gambling. Whenever I go, I think I'm a win.

I get props and props to do. Talking later called the San Diego Raider game yesterday. He called the Raiders. Oh, did he really? Oh, yeah. Talking later is pretty good. He won you money last time. Don't fuck with talking later.

Talking later lives in it. We won a parlay. He sees it, that's right. Some people have a hard time winning one fucking game. You blast them with two, cock sucker. But whenever I go into a casino, I don't feel like I'm gonna lose. Everyone says that, but in my head I'm gonna win.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You didn't say, I didn't say that. In my mind, I think I'm gonna go in there and win. That's how your mind fucks with you. Right, yeah. But you also know that their prerogative is to take your money, nothing else. From the minute you walk in and you go up to that

fucking table and you get chips, and that beautiful girl comes up to you and says, what are we drinking tonight? And you're like, oh, shit. And it's a whole illusion now. They really, really get you. And don't get me wrong, it's fun. I sat there, I people watch.

I think people watch when your fucking eye is brilliant. It's pretty great. You know, they had a great food court and they had pizza there. So every night after the show, I wanted another slice of pizza. And I sat there one night with Dickie and I sat there the other night with my friends,

which I hung out with at least I had since the sixth grade in North Bergen. Carlos Perez, Kathy Keltos, Mike Gwinnett. I mean, I'm sitting there and would not, how lucky sometimes you hang out with four people that are from your high school. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. These were three people that were from my neighborhood.

Given that terrace, Charles Court, 38th Street Park, and it was just the conversations we had were fucking amazing. But the one thing that I realized while they were there is I'm on stage talking about sensitivity and all this shit, how Martina Malikong, his brother, Martin the Fag's brother had a store on 41st Street and it was called Herm,

I don't know what the fuck it was called. His name was Herm and the wife made Cuban steak sandwiches in the back for like three bucks. And we played a couple of games of basketball and we got hungry and we'd walk over there. I didn't know the name of the store was because they just called it the Spick Store. That's it, that's what they called it,

that's what it was, that's what it was. But guess what the other store was in our neighborhood? What store? The Chink Store. Oh yeah, we drove by it. We know, we went in there. Oh yeah. It used to be called Dragon Grocery when we were growing up.

It was a Cuban Chinese guy who had a beautiful Chinese daughter and a beautiful little boy. If I'm 50, the girl's gotta be 48, 47, you know, the daughter. I was doing only a few years on Sundays, they would make the best pork fried rice and the best roast pork, yacame, sliced thin with the fucking seeds, forget about it.

You'd sit there like fucking what did I do to deserve this fucking greatness? The Spick Store and the Chink Store? The Chink Store, not even the Chino Store, the Chink Store and the Spick Store. That's the sensitivity in our fucking neighborhood. And would you say it to the store owner? No, they knew it, they had heard the rumor.

You know, eventually you heard the fucking rumor. Jesus Christ. How fucking crazy, and I said it on stage and Mike Winette and Carlos afterwards, we were laughing our ass, they're like, how crazy is that? That was it, the Chink Store? Where you going to the Chink Store? You want anything?

You're walking up that fucking hell, it's 90 degrees, fuck it, let's give it a shot. But how lucky was I that the, and Kathy Calto's, and we were talking about playing basketball in that basketball court. What's the matter, Lee, you seeing things? Good for you. I'm not seeing things.

You want us to put a hit of acid? No. Okay. Jesus Christ, y'all. We should put a hit of acid. No, we shouldn't, it's the one that is. Yeah, that's right, it's a full moon. What do you think, should we put a hit of acid?

No. Just a little one. There's no such thing as a little one. They got big ones up there, we got a little one. We'll do a little one. No, I think 625 is good. No, I gotta go to Calibur class tomorrow. I gotta go to Acupuncture tomorrow, which would be good

because she'll stick a needle in me to decipher the acid into all the parts of my body. And I just break her into a cold sweat. They sip and eat? No, I just made up a fucking one. I love it. I got it, tomorrow's the first time in Acupuncture in like four weeks.

Are you excited? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Where's Dr. Amy been? Down in Marina Darang. But now she's got all her clients back. See, the summer ended. It's another, the clients are back.

Everybody's ready to get acupuncture for the winter. So she told me she's back here for the next four Tuesdays. So by next week I'll be Hunk Hip Hadooey. You know what I'm saying? Hunk Hip Hadooey. I don't even know what that fucking word means. I'm just dropping it on Lisa. Yeah, it was 625 milligrams of THC edible death.

That's it. Now where are we gonna go? How are you gonna go to the hospital? I'm gonna have to give you the rest of this bag because how are you gonna get high with Paul now? Yeah. You might as well eat five just to open up the game. No you don't.

Yes you do. Three is good. Maybe three and one. Oh, are they selling the green ones yet? I'm not sure. I'll find out. Okay, well no, can we talk about it? I'm not sure.

Okay. Yeah, we'll talk to you. The green ones are 15 milligrams and then we're gonna release these purple ones to the 200 milligrams. I mean, the green ones tasted great. They're lemon lime. Yeah, they were delicious.

Yeah, they were delicious. And these red ones don't taste bad. No, no, but I was just- What the purple ones taste like to you? Not bad. You said they were- I didn't really taste much and to be honest- You said they were time delayed.

Yeah, oh, they were. Because those are 200. Because I spoke to you and you were high. Yeah. And I was pretty high and I passed the fuck out. I woke up thirsty as a motherfucker, like a three in the morning to sleep at me and mass had fallen off the whole fucking deal.

That's bullshit. Well, you know, it's, I'm really lucky, even when I sat like a ladies and gentlemen, there's four people in the audience that I grew up with, don't listen to these stories, they're fucking back there laughing, you know? And he died when I talked about Marathon Woman.

He fucking died when he came out. Marathon Woman was a girl who sucked 16 dicks when we were in high school. I was not there. I heard the story. She did this a couple of times where she sucked like 16 one day and 11 one day. She did this, but he was talking about an incident where,

I always thought there was this kid named Jimmy Denny who was pimping around. Pimping her? That was making us suck. Like Jimmy Denny would walk up to you, they'll leave, give you a hug and go, Coco, how you doing? This is whatever her name after 10 minutes.

He'd look at you, Lee, you want your dick sucked and you go, what are you talking about? Just tell me, you want a blow job? Coco, you want a blow job? Yeah. And he'd look at this girl and go, suck that dick. And she'd give him the purse and he'd suck, she'd suck your dick and she'd suck my dick.

And then she'd go back to him and they'd walk away. It was crazy. You have good friends. But he never did, you know, Jimmy Denny never. Oh, you never had? No, no, no, no, no, I was never one of the lucky guys. I always missed it by 20 minutes. I was always one of those assholes.

And then he was telling the story that he was there the one night when she blew the 19 guys and there was still like four guys in limbo and she came out and she said, that's it. Like this girl was a nut. This girl was a fucking nut. High school. They're fucking high school.

So he just had heard the story too? No, he was there. I mean, those guys, you know, they've been put, this kid Carlos Perez that came to the fucking show. Him and I used to do THC crystal when we were 14 on Sundays for about three or four months. Me and the skinny Cuban kid would get high and then he would go his way and I would go my way.

Jesus. And we weren't allowed to tell nobody that we hadn't gotten high together. We didn't let anybody know we were doing THC crystal. So we would do it and then go on our own ways. Sometimes we'd hang for like an hour and then he'd go meet a girl and I'd go meet some guys and play basketball or some shit.

That's how long I know Carlos. Jesus. Carlos and me go back all the way to giving that terrace. How do you keep in touch with all these people? I didn't talk to Carlos for a long time. I always, cause I lost contact with Carlos probably at 18. And between you and I always loved Carlos. Carlos was one of those kids early on that.

Just, he was just my friend. I just knew he was one of my friends. When our bond was that we were the only Spanish kids in the neighborhood, you know, when you're the only two Spanish kids that get accepted like that, we have a certain bond. And he was a Balzano kid also.

You know, he was tight with Jimmy and he was tight with Anthony and we were all tight. So if you were tight with the Balzano, you would tight with everybody. So this made us really tight, him and I. And after Anthony died, we became even tighter. And he hung around with my friend Dominic that drowned when we were juniors.

But the story is a week, and I was gonna ask him about this because I've heard it a thousand times. And I know it's true. The story is that one night Carlos and Dominic busted into a Chevy store in North Bergen, right where we lived. Right up the corner, a mile from where we lived,

we grew up and took the Corvette and drove out the front fucking window. And Bobby Bender, when I went home this last time, we were eating lunch. And he goes, did I ever tell you that I shot a gun at those guys? The night they stole the vet. And a couple days later, he goes,

I never got to see Dominic again. I knew it was him. He goes, I was on duty and I recognized them running. They left the car and started running because they reported a suspicious car and that one had been taken out of the showroom at McGuire Chevrolet or whatever the fuck it was. It was the one closer to our house.

It wasn't McGuire Chevrolet. Did you take a mile from where you guys lived? Yeah, on Kennedy Boulevard, which is like a main street. But still, we were like down the fucking block, a mile. That's where we grew up. They weren't that great of thieves? No, they were crazy. They were crazy kids.

I tell you, I tell you these fucking stories. We think that we grew up fucking trading baseball cards and going to baseball games of the glove and waiting for the ball to land. No, I'm telling you that when I was nine, we walked to a fucking movie theater. I'm telling you that no, these kids weren't fucking your ordinary kids,

but they're still around. And Cathy Kelton was the girl that came. Yeah. We all went to the same grammar school. The only outsider in that circle was Carlos's wife. But out of the four people, five people at the table, four of us had gone to the same grammar school. At the same time,

me, Mike Winette, Carlos and this Cathy Keltos. Not only that, I was tight with Cathy Keltos as two brothers. I was real tight with Paulie. When I played basketball, Paulie would put Led Zeppelin live in the window of his house. And I could hear it and I would shoot baskets that listened to fucking live.

Yeah. That's how back I go with them. That's how back I go with the Keltos. So she, you know, here's a girl that was a butt. When I first knew Cathy, she was very quiet and shy, like Rocky's wife, like not retarded, but she was really like, you know, quiet, like, and she got married.

And I guess the fucking, she didn't have a life of 20 years. And then she went to a wake and she met a guy at a wake and she divorced her husband and married this guy at a wake. And after two years of that guy, she realized she just didn't want to be married. So she divorced him. She got a makeover and she's a complete new,

different woman, man. And I was looking at this girl just laughing the whole night because I know what she was and I know what she became. And even if she became that later on in life, she still got it one day. She goes, it didn't take me to be till about 40 to realize I had raised a child and didn't want to be married no more.

And I didn't want to fucking be, you know, I didn't want to be told what to do. She goes, I live by myself. I have my own condo now. I come and go as I please. And she goes, I'm having a great time. She goes, when I leave here, I might have a booty call or I might be able to just to go home and go to bed.

I haven't made up my mind, but that's what I always wanted to do. And she goes, for 20 fucking years, I gave my life to be married and cooking and, you know, and she goes, now for what? My kids, they live in Nebraska, they go to college. They call me once a week, you know? She goes, and this is what?

I just wanted to fucking get my life together and be who I wanted to be. It was really weird because I never heard somebody, like she said, that's it. I stopped everything and took care of me for once. And it's really weird when people realize that. Everybody at one point in their life realized that when they're like, where the fuck am I getting up

and going to do this shit? Today, I'm taking care of fucking me. And once you get that attitude, your life fucking changes, man. That's hard, because you always hear like, you have to never, like you always say, don't stop working. Like, you don't need days off, all that stuff.

No, but she meant it in a way that she was trapped. Like she was married and she was trapped. Oh no, for her, it's cool. And she always had a good job. She works, you know, she's something for like a ship line, like those ships that people with those people that go on those things and they go from city to city and Mexico and they get all cruise lines.

So she goes on a lot of cruise lines because she works with them. Oh, cool. She has like some big shots. She makes a great salary. She works in sales. No, she's a big shot. Oh no, I think that's pretty like, that's great.

Especially if she was like, if the kids are out of the house. Well, her point was that she was married, you know, for all that time. She had children and then she thought that it was that she didn't want to be with that guy. So she married a different guy. I know there was second guy, she married really well. I knew it was Joe kind of, I knew him really well

growing up. I mean, his brother, I knew that dad was a cop. I knew all of them. We always giggled together. And she said that she still talks to him, but after a year of being married to him, she realized she just didn't want to be married, that she went from a marriage where she raised a child

and had a husband and she cooked. And you know, she, this was a college sweetheart and that whole fucking thing to being a mom and blah, blah, blah and all of a sudden she got out of that to please another fucking husband. Once you get married again, you gotta start from scratch with another guy. You gotta figure out what he likes.

He don't like meatloaf with onions. You know, he likes his pants fucking dried and hung in the sun with lemon detergent. And one day she goes, you know, Joey, I just woke up and said, that's it. I'm not doing this no more. She goes, I love him still. We still talk.

I still work for him when he needs travel arrangements and stuff. He lives three miles from my house and I do what the fuck I want now. And she goes, my life changed. And I could tell her life changed because when I knew her, she'd talk but she'd say six words.

Now she runs the conversation. She's interesting. She holds it. And I really applaud people when they do that. I knew when I was, when I got out of the fucking prison and I married Kathy and I had the baby with her and Lee, it was a horrible feeling. It was one of the worst fucking times ever

because there's nothing worse than the feeling of being trapped in the relationship. Nothing worse. And once there's a child involved, you're fucking trapped, Jack. Yeah. You know, you're fucking trapped. When you're not married, you look at a woman,

you take her to court, she takes you to court, you keep the Led Zeppelin album, she keeps the rug. You know, you keep the dishes, she keeps the blender, the fucking, the juicer. They're gonna take your fucking juicily. She can have it. They take the juicer and you go your separate ways and that's it.

You don't ever have to talk to that person fucking again. You know? But when you have a child, even if you hate that person, you have to talk to that person. At least you hope so. When I was with Kathy and I wanted to be a comic, she had, she didn't oppose the idea of being a comic. I just wasn't happy living the life I was living.

I thought that was the life I wanted, the mortgage, a lawn, you know, going to parties, ha, ha, ha, waving at people. That just wasn't me. I can't even imagine what you would be like. I'm trying to imagine like what you at net 52 after however many years of roofing would have turned out. Well, after two years, I was basically getting off the roof

and I was doing more sales and estimating. That's the thing. I enjoyed it, Lee. I could have done something with that. So what do you think you would be like? Now, if I were to stuck with that right now, right now I would have had a 25 year old daughter. I would have lived in Boulder,

somewhere on the outskirts of Boulder. Would I be a comic Lee or just a roofer? I don't know, you told me. What do you think would have happened? I don't know, Lee. I really don't. Lee, that that was a scary fucking time. That was scary, Lee.

When I came home that October and she said that something wasn't right, she didn't feel happy. She wanted to split for a while. Part of me was heartbroken. I could lie to you if I tell you I wasn't. But the other part of me was fucking relieved because I was living a lie. And he was my chance to start a new life on my own.

And I knew, and I knew for some reason it was gonna cost me. And I knew that the little money I had made at that time, I was gonna blow on this. I knew it going in, I just fucking knew it. But still, I wanted to be happy. And that meant being a comedian. I'll be honest with you, at that time,

I don't know if it was meant being a comedian, my friend. I'd love to tell you that I thought being a comedian would make you me happy. I don't think it was that. I just wanted to fucking be happy. I just wanted to be happy. I don't know if it was being a comic at all. That was Lee, I swear to God.

In 1991, stand up calmly to me. Then, it was like me telling you I'm gonna be a black belt someday in Jiu Jitsu. Really, that far away? Oh my God, oh my God. When I separated from Kathy, I was miles away. You gotta remember, like I told you in Jiu Jitsu,

after Jiu Jitsu, it took me two years. It took me two fucking years just to realize how I was gonna perform my plan for stand up comedy. Wow. I started in July of 1991, and I didn't get my plan together till November of 1993. And when did you guys break up?

October of 1991. So it took me two years after the divorce to form the plan for stand up, to figure out how I was gonna do stand up and how I was gonna make it work. But I knew at that, I knew October of 93 when that plane hit the driveway in Denver. I knew that if I went back to Denver,

I had to go for stand up comedy because I wasn't gonna do anything else in my life at that point. At least I had to go for it, like really give it a fucking go, like really go for it. Why do you think you weren't going for it before? I was doing what I see most people do today. Which is what?

Dicking around. What is? Two times a week, you know what? I'm not going down there. They're not gonna put me up. You know what? At least I gave me a spot in his room, but I'm doing blow with this brook tonight.

I'm not going down there. No, when you wanna do that or be a singer or be a guitar player and somebody gives you an avenue to perform, you take that avenue. You know? It's like today, no, no, every time, every fucking time at that level. I wasn't taking it seriously.

Oh, I was telling people, I was bullshitting myself and bullshitting people and telling them, yeah, I'm a comedian and I do this, but I really wasn't. I was just living off the seat of my fucking pants. And then I got something when I went back to Denver. I went back to Denver in 93, correct? On November of 93 and by June of 94,

I got something that led me to believe I had a chance. I got a call from a guy, Jimmy, a beta, and they said they were looking for a replacement for a Carlos Monsea tour. Oh, cool. And right there, I go, wait a second. It took me a year of focusing to get this, whether I applied for it or not,

whether I was lucky or not. Luck is when, what's luck? When whatever meets opportunity or something like that. Hard worker. Right, meets opportunity. Right. At that time, I was fucking into it, brother. I was fucking, I was involved and I was in.

I was writing every night. I was fucking doing blow. I was partying. I was a comedian. I had a day job. I was fucking doing it at night. You know, I was going out there five nights a week. I was going to hell gigs and going,

what the fuck am I doing here? Did you have a good talk with yourself or like, how did you decide to start working like this? I realized what it took to get to the level I wanted to be in. I went to the New York comedy club one night and I just saw some comic. And I was talking to another comedian. Afterward, he came over to say hello to the one comedian

and I complimented the guy. I wish I knew what the guy's name was. And I asked him how long he had been doing comedy. And he said like 13 years. Jesus. And I said, did I ever see you on Letterman? And he was like, no, I haven't been on any of those. I did like a five minute spot on VH1 at the time.

Remember, this is 1990 fucking three. And he goes, I did something else. I live in New York. I go, would you consider moving to LA? He goes, no, I do something in New York. I have a wife and a kid. He was great in my world at that time. He was really, really good.

And there was other good comics there, but he was very nice and spoke to me. And I asked him where he started and he told me, I forget where. And I go in the beginning, how many times a week were you going up? And he goes every night. And he goes, I moved to New York at the five year mark.

And I went up every fucking night. Right there, I knew. Okay, so I got to figure something out because I got to go on stage every night. Every night. Every night. So I got to figure something to do in the daytime. Like my job has to be something.

I got to balance this out. So I had to form a plan of attack is what I'm saying. Once you know the strategy, once I knew the strategy, the strategy was going on every night and getting on stage. That's it. There's no other magic for two years. I thought there was.

I thought that you just got on stage. Whenever. No, I thought when you got on stage, it just flowed because you're that good. But it all changes when you go up and there's lights and there's people in there drinking and there's a waitress. You follow me.

These are the things in your demented mind that you don't account for. You think that it's like you at a party when you go off on a movie or a review of your own movie or a record or something on a rant. And you think it's like that. And people come up to you after you do a rant on the party and go, you should be a comedian.

You're like, I'm thinking about it. And also you get on stage and try that little fucking rant. It's not funny anymore. Cocksucker. And that's your, no, and that's your A material. So now what, bitch? Now what, cocksucker? So.

What does it feel like? Like, have you seen people do that? Like, their best stuff and just bombs? Lived it, bitch. And then lived it, lived it, long dead. Walk out of that, make believe you don't know what's going on. Pay for your food, don't even eat it.

I gotta go. Don't you want your lobster tail? No, I don't even want to eat here again. I just bombed it. I don't want to sit here with you fucking mooks. You gotta sit somewhere after you bombed and do what? I don't know. But that's four, three years of that.

That's three or four years of going out and batting 50% in the hell rooms. Right. But something makes you keep going because for every 10 hell rooms you do, you get some sort of break at the end. You get somebody who says, do you want to write Wyoming this weekend?

And when you're starting out, if I come to you right now and you go, Joey, do you want to go to Riverton, Wyoming this weekend? I tell you to go fuck your mother 10 times. But when you're starting out, if somebody comes to you and goes, hey, you want to go to Riverton, Wyoming and host at $75 a cent, we'll drive you in, drive you back and feed you.

You're like, fuck yeah, I'm gonna do my craft. And I was just thinking about how it would, like if you lived at your parents' house, it would be great for comedians. Like you said, if you're gonna be out on the road most of the time and just have, if you have to have a weekend off. I'm talking about minimizing your monthly fucking

out of pocket. I'm not talking mooching off your parents. I'm not talking living on your parents' fucking couch and eating their food and not getting a job. I'm talking about looking at your parents and you're not gonna listen, man. I'm gonna take over the downstairs. I'm gonna come in the back entrance.

I'm gonna park on the street. I won't eat your food. I'll do my own laundry. I'll chip in for groceries. I'll chip in for whatever. And you stay downstairs and you're a fucking gentleman. You know, I'm talking about those guys. Those guys do exist.

Those families do exist. Where they'll say, we love to have you here. And what do you gotta do? Take the garbage out, shovel and mow the fucking grass. That's it. Yeah, the reason- I put up a little fucking here beat from time to time for people who love you.

I'm just not sure if I had done that, if I would have ever come out here. So that's why I like leaving. Cause I could have seen myself being at home, being around friends, eating the food I like. A job opens up at a local Boston station. That's not for everybody. I'm just saying that you have the opportunity.

Oh no, I'm just saying that's what- If you have the opportunity- No, because I- If your parents still have the same home you grew up in and you had a brother and a sister and they got three fucking rooms now that just sit there. Your dad's retired, your mom goes to bingo,

your dad goes to a fucking barbershop one day. You got nothing going on, you got a divorce. You know, I read that book that things my dad says, shit my dad says, you know, and that's how it starts. That he went back home after a divorce, after a breakup. I always feel that if something's going on in your life and you can't figure it out or whatever, you go home. You go home and because the home is where you get

your compass aligned, does that make sense? Like- Oh yeah. Everything comes to focus when you go home sometimes. You see why you acted that way or why she acted that way. When I got divorced, that's the first place I knew I went. I had all that luggage from the divorce and from 85. And I went home for nine months.

I got a job at a deli. I got 20 fucking jobs, but I got into comedy. And I'm not gonna lie to you, I wasn't doing comedy as much as I should have at that time. I was bullshitting myself, I was dicking around. You know, I was trying to go around it and try to be funny, joining contest and bombing and running out of there. It was horrible.

It was fucking horrible what I was doing. But I was doing what I had been doing with my life. I wasn't attacking the situation. I was going through everything. You know, I wasn't claiming responsibility for anything. Comedy made it all make sense now. If I wanted to get to that level, that's what I had to do. That was it.

There was no getting around that. Yeah, you could walk into, you could walk into Danger Fields and Jay Leno walks in and he may give you a spot at the night show, but you can't bank on that. You know, there's so many ips, but I knew at that point that if I went back to Boulder, I had, if I wanted to do what I wanted to do with my life,

I had to dive into comedy at first. And from that November of 93 Lee, and I'm not kidding you to that June of 95, I squeezed out 16 to 20 spots a month. And I drove brother. This wasn't like me going to the ha ha or me going to the comedy store or me going to

the lab factory or the improv where they had valet parking and you know, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is, you know, how we go from Boulder to where the Denver Broncos training is where they do spring training, whatever the fuck they do. I think really, really smells like fucking 10 Lizards assholes that they do something there.

It's a meat packing or something, but that's what the Broncos plan. That was Thursday nights. That's an hour from my house just to get on stage. For how long? I wouldn't get home till fucking one, one, 30 on the fucking Thursday night. How long was your set?

10 minutes, seven minutes, eight minutes. So two hours run trip, that's crazy. That was my Thursday. Wednesday, was a club. There was a couple places that was club 52. That was just like a dance hall that served food and they had like a stage in the floor with a light in the middle.

You gotta go up there and people are embarrassed and shit. That was Wednesday. Tuesday was an Elvis impersonator with a wig that we've spoken about on the show before. Monday was an Australian bar in Boulder, the outback or something. Wait, what did he do with the Elvis guy? He was like, he sang and shit

and you went in between him and did 10 minutes. You have no fucking idea, my friend. Thursdays also, if I didn't go to Greeley, I drove all the way to John L. Wayville. I forget the name of it, all the way down in the fucking hour from Boulder, hour 15 from Boulder. There was an El Torrito. An El Torrito in those days, if you went on stage,

they gave you a free dinner and a $25 gift certificate for next time. And we could just stack up those gifts. Who do you think you're dealing with, Lisa? I would be there every Thursday for my free dinner. Let me guess what your Christmas gifts were. No, no, no. I ate every one of those meals, Lisa.

Even if I had to borrow five for guests to drive out there. I ate all those fucking meals. That's how broke I was in those days. There's nights I would go, you know what? I gotta drive out there to do a spot anyway. I'll stop at El Torritos with a free coupon. They were, hey Joey, what's up? None, dog, I brought a coupon.

That's okay. You bring 10 money, fuck you. I brought eight bucks, wait. Ain't gonna eat 10 bucks. Don't give you a free fucking margarita or something. In those days when the bartender gave you a free margarita, it was like, you know, just a beautiful goddamn thing, you know? Yeah, with the planet nachos or something.

Oh my God, yeah, it was just too much. So you just learn how to, I don't know, when you commit to something you really learn by you committing, it's like the universe gives you a little presence along the way to keep you alive. So do you think you would be doing those gigs if you had been living at home? If you had a solid place in Jersey?

I just thought for me. I thought for me and my situation, which I'm lying to myself because I would have taken the money I saved and put it up my fucking nose anyway. I would lift the house on fire. I would have sold the air conditioner in the windows. You know, I became a fucking scoundrel. But I'm just saying, for a guy like me and a lot of other guys,

I don't understand. I think that sometimes people need a little help. If you could live in a basement and get a job and sock away money for a year or two and, you know, just play it safe. It's a lot better opportunity for you than you going out like a guy like you. You went out into the world with this debt

and there was no time to fuck around. They want their money every month. I like the mafia. Yeah. They want their money. Every three months they seize your bank accounts. They just take the 60 out of your bank account with a posting fee plus what, y'all?

I'm paying like 260 a month. Oh yeah, no, no. But if you fucking, oh wow, yeah, 260, they hit your heart. Yeah, they don't, they don't fuck around. Paula told me that for law school loans, it's 2,000 a month. Can you believe that? They have to start out making two,

enough to pay two grand a month. Well, yeah, well, they start out at 65, 75. Yeah, but. So two grand a month is 24 grand. They make money. They just, the first 24 goes to that. And that's for how many years? Ffff.

Ooh. $100,000? Oh, Jesus Christ. About $100,000? Jesus fucking Christ. Oh yeah, we're paying $100,000 off a year, I guess, right? Yeah, we gotta get Paula off and run it. We gotta get a couple of Mexicans slipping.

Down by Langas, down by that Judelli down there. They have a cool, they have a program where, like she can work and then they'll pay the loans for a year, until she can get like a real lawyer, a real lawyer job. Where can they do that on the kindness of their heart? Yeah. That costs a big, you know,

they're still gonna charge you two points a month. Oh yeah, of course. There's, the student loans never go away. I'm gonna talk to you people real quick about something. I don't know nothing about nothing. You know, I know how to fucking eat. I know how to order at a restaurant. I know a lot of things that I know how to do in life.

I don't really know about wine. But I know that I've been getting a lot of emails about this Club W. And that's, you know, when you, when somebody contacts you and they say, do you like our package or do you like the sponsors, you do it on a weekly. You go, you know what, let me get a couple weeks of this.

And there's usually people who always respond to you and say, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I think about a story I heard one time. This guy was working as a buyer. He was telling me for Disney when I did the longest, not the longest chart, Spider-Man 2. This guy was telling me that he started off as a buyer for Disney and we used to talk every day.

He was on the set of Spider-Man 2. I was on there for a few days. And he was telling me a story that was really interesting that they had to do wine parties. So when he first started, he had to do catering. And for a year, they had to do samples and that they would do all the wines and that the most expensive wine,

they would do a taste test. The most expensive wines never were the ones that people picked. It was always the lowest price, one of the medium range one. Well, just no one knows anything. How can you know? Like I was a server and they had a class for like four hours one day.

And I was supposed to make actual recommendations and I was just like red meat gets red wine and fish gets white and I would just make stuff up. But what's cool about Club W is they have people that actually know what they're doing and they made a questionnaire and you fill out what you like about certain wines and what you don't like

and then they recommend certain wines for you. So I got three wines and that's one of them. And it's really cool. They send you a card with like a cool recipe to make with it. So that was a red wine and it has like nachos. And then it tells you like what, it actually like tells you what you're like supposed to taste. I guess so you could seem smart.

You know, some people got a headache. I played drink wine. Like I did when I was, really? When I was 17, me and Louis Castellito. Oh man, it's Chevy to the worst. We robbed Safeway across the street from Hudson County Park and I took a gallon of that Martini and Rossi. Oh no.

Whatever that fucking purple shit was. And we drank it and we got hammered. I got the worst headache in my life. But anyway, for me, it's shopping that causes the real headache. So many choices, so much to learn and so expensive with no guarantee. You even like what you buy. You know, so that, you know,

it's just tough picking a great bottle of wine. And after I remember that story, but they told me that's why I liked the Club W. You know, and this is what I'm trying to tell you people. There's a new wine club, it's Club W. They've changed the game completely. It's easy. You go to clubw.com and you answer six simple questions.

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Just go to clubw.com slash joey and get 50% off your first order, right? That's it. Clubw.com slash joey, all right. Thanksgiving's coming up. And that's it, that's a great deal. You get wine for Thanksgiving or an end to give a gift. They send you these cards, they send you.

Yeah. You know? They send you. They sound like you're smart. Oh my God, the Killing Casual 2014 went backyard barbecue, how to serve at room temperature, grapes, Cabinets having young origin,

Paso Reblos, California, smells like strawberry, rhubarb, plum, dry earth. This is tremendous. How about my volume, 14%, okay? And then they send you what you would eat with this. Game day nachos. Total time, 15 minute, serve six. This is beautiful.

You can't lose at this, all right? So go to clubw. Listen, you're eating like a king, you're drinking wine, you gotta take care of yourself. That's where honor comes in. Go to honor. Look at the great line of supplements. I tell you, we got the kettlebells in the mail, it's over.

I got a 60 pound and a 70 pound. I picked it up, I blew a fart. That 70 pound was so heavy. I thought it was picking up like a 45 pound. It's a different game, boys. It's amazing, you would think people would pick up 75, but they're heavy. They're heavy like a 51.

Oh my God, who even carrying that tomorrow? Who? You. I don't know. You're picking me up tomorrow, so you gotta help me carry it to the top. You're picking me up, I'm over home now. No, you gotta carry me, you gotta help me carry it.

Anyway. Holy, man, that's the best you had. Go. One of that, star? No. All right. Go to honor.com right now. Press church.

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They also have the stay on it program, where everything gets delivered right to you directly. Hitty Sigs, the baddest motherfuckers out there, guaranteed 1,200 pups per cigar. What? My dad had a very important point about Hitty Sigs. That's right, say it. And the deal is five for 50

when he used to call work Joey's church. But that's half off. That's a really good deal. It's not, it sounds expensive, you're seeing $50, but the deal used to be, you would get them for 20 bucks. Like they were 20 bucks each. Okay. So you're saving, like it's a good deal.

So it's five for 50, and you get 50% off. So they used to be 20 a piece. So I don't know, I didn't know this. Thank you for pointing that out. Yeah, I know my dad called me. He was like, hey. No, he told me too, and I forgot, I forgot what he told me.

I was stoned, you know, I like those. So go to Hitty Sigs right now, long and lasting, best flavor, fucking 1,200 guaranteed pups out of each cigar. All right, go to HittySigs.com and press in. Joey's church. Booyah, and get five for 50, 50% off what you usually get. Also nail that life.

Some of my favorite people in the world, whether it's Edibles, whether it's blow torches, to fucking smoke your dabs. These guys are the fucking kings. All right, they know it all. These motherfuckers got the best vapor pen in the market. They keep adjusting it, keep making it better, better, better and better.

So go to nailthetlife.com. If you like the vapor pen, they'll give you 20% off. Boom, from 50 to 40. Just testing your mathematical stills with six stars. Did you eat six or just five? Five. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let's eat six. You ate five. And no, that was good. Let's eat one more. No, don't. What the fuck? I'm not having 750 and trying to get home and like survive the night.

Me and Bagga's shows. You can do it standing on your head, my friend. Anyway, go to nailthetlife.com for those gummies or monos for the best vapor pen, 20% off. Joey Diaz. Go to nail that life and press in. Joey Diaz. And that's how we do it, motherfuckers.

Nail the life, I want to thank Kitty Siggs. I want to thank Anna. I want to thank my people club W. I want to thank somebody else. I just keep it going. Anyway, did I give a shout out to them? No. No, I didn't.

See what I'm saying? God damn it, Joey Diaz. I want to thank Jesse Wright for finally coming to the show and meeting me. My man, Clayton King. There were these beautiful African couple that were beautiful people. They gave me a card and I couldn't find it today,

but they were beautiful. They said to say hello to Lee, S.L.C.D., Sir Mama, Grillo's Pickles, sent me some pickles. Oh, I've never tried them. I've got some at the house for you, so I got to give you those tomorrow. Steve Hammerty, you know, made a good point.

He sent me an email, we're talking. He goes down to Periscope. I called everybody family and we are family. We got each other. We're not a fan, we're not like that. We're fucking family. That's why we're having a good time. So I want to thank Steve Hamley, Dakota Watts.

I think that's the name, Dakota Watts, something I don't fucking know. Mike Mio, happy birthday, Cox Zucker, and Swade Bailey, keep it together. You got a nice family. Everybody loves you, thanks for keeping it together. I was laughing earlier because someone tweeted me and said that I'm getting too high

and he can't listen anymore. I should revaluate my life. And it was, it was, it was during like, right after we took the last star, and my head was like, exploding. You should revaluate it. You're a smart kid, yo, what are you hanging on? I have a fat phone.

Doing nothing, fucking podcasting, like a fucking movie. You could be running a radio station right now. WKNZ. That sounds so boring. What, this is so exciting sitting here on a Monday with three cameras, like four assholes. You're fucking edibles in this. Cracking stupid jokes, talking about shit that don't matter.

What do you want to do with your life? You'd be great to do this forever. Yeah, I did something like that. Oh, I love all this shit, I'm just teasing you. Don't forget, next week, Portland, Oregon, and the Week After Stress Factory in motherfucking New Jersey. The people who I set up the podcast to be for,

their daughters, their podcast is launching today. So I'll get it, I'll get it when it comes out, but I'll tweet it tomorrow. You're beautiful, man. That's pretty cool. All right, let's close this up. All right. We're really gonna end up problems.

Are you gonna be anywhere? I just said it. Portland, Oregon, Helium Comedy Club, October, November 5th to the 7th, then the following week, I'm at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey, from the 12th to the, whatever the fuck it is, the 14th. While we're young, please.

Excuse me. This show is brought to you by Club W. Thank God. Club W is the best new way to buy wine. They've changed everything about the whole buying process. Go to clubw.com and enter six simple questions, and the algorithm creates a pallet profile just for you. Just go to clubw.com, which is offering you 50%

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of the brand on the market. Boris is here. Boris is here. Boris. Boris is here. Boris is here. Boris is here. I live my life like there's no tomorrow And all I've got, I had to steal

Each time I need to beg on my road Yes, I'm living at a place that kills Running with the devils Running with the devils I tell y'all about it I found a simple life, it's so simple When I jumped out on the road I got no love, no love in Korea Ain't got nobody waiting at home

Running with the devils I won't show you what you're Running with the devils Running with the devils You know what? I found a simple life, it's so simple When I jumped out on the road I got no love, no love in Korea

Ain't got nobody waiting at home Running with the devils I got no money in it Running with the devils Running with the devils Running with the devils Running with the devils Running with the devils