Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #330 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: November 3, 2015

  Ralphie May, Comedian seen on Last Comic Standing and is performing at Club Nokia in Los Angeles November 6, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get 50% off of your first order of wine curated just for you.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos   Recorded live on 11/02/2015.
   Music:  I Can't Go For That - Hall and Oates I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin

Looking at some like a motherfucker. You got it sometimes. Let's do it. This show is brought to you by club W Club W is the brand new wine club that's changed everything You just go to club w comm and answer six simple questions and their algorithm creates a palette profile just for you And they send the wine directly to your door perfectly customized to match your taste Club W is offering our listeners 50% off of your first order when you go to club w comm slash Joey So stop wasting time and money and messing around at retail stores and start drinking one You know you're going to love just go to club w comm slash Joey to get 50% off of your first order Show is also brought to you by on it comm use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products

Go to hit e six comm and use code word joey's church to get five hit e six for fifty dollars Hit e six better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape and go to nailed it life comm and use code word Joey Diaz to get 20% off of the premiere of apron on the market And if you live in california, they're also the makers of those gumis or monos Oh shit all souls day Light the candles It's the church coming at you bad motherfuckers what? November 2nd

2015 The day the devil was buried in sea fucked in the ass Poked in the eyes And he got stuck in a fucking sign on the five Fuck it. Oh, yeah Monday night motherfuckers what? Little sup for Philadelphia locally fucking grown all the notes Black dudes dressed up like white motherfuckers nothing but soul these motherfuckers

Still out there Kick that motherfucker leave go eat geno's pets got eight No loudness Take that motherfucker I'll do anything what there's a jennif kick this week I can't go for that No can do Suck my dick suck my dick I can't go for that no

Suck my dick I can't go for that can't go for that can't go for that can't go for that I can't go for be twice as nice. What the fucking church cock suckers What's going on, baby boy Holy shit, that was great jam. That's the way to do it, man. That's the way you start it off That's still 33 years old I was a senior in high school and when you heard that fucking and they used to play that first Then they follow that with uh

You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar Are you fucking kidding me? You were you were an itch and dick sciat's pants and shit My dad loves it when he mentioned him by the way he called me today. He said on joey's first periscope He said hello to my friend dick sciat That's my dog dicky sciat down there in fort lauderdale. Oh, he's in lauderdale holding on Eating 50 milligram stars like they're fucking like he running shit down there. I love it, man I love when I see

I don't have parents So I love when I see people's parents that Have taken the stick out of their ass, right? Right, you know, there's some parents that they still stick the same There's some parents that might not look good You know, my friend loops. He's 50. He's missing a tooth. He lives on

He lives in the house. We all know he's been doing blow. I mean the the cat's out of the bag Like I guess the point where your family where you're just it's over like that's it. He's only got one Everybody knows what's going on. Everybody knows everybody's secrets and you deal with it But some parents when I see Lee with how he is with his dad. I really enjoy that I miss it man. I miss the relationship with my dad. I miss my relationship You know, really my mom's so they all had me so late in life that I just didn't get enough as a adult time with him How old were you? She had me was uh, she was uh 39

So I told yeah, yeah, especially in the 70s. I mean, you know, she she almost died. She was on bed rest Seven months. I guess that's why I'm so lazy Bed rest seven months seven months. It's like don't don't give me no shit about sleeping eight hours, but I went to fucking church yesterday the the twilight whatever fucked me up the vespers and uh, no the the time change Oh, yeah, and uh, I knew it. I was with Steve Simone Saturday I went to jiu-jitsu Saturday. I met Steve Simone for coffee. He's johnny catholic And we were talking about all saints and all souls day and I go, you know what man? November's that type of month that You uh, go to church especially for me, you know, I go to church in November. It's the month my mom died

It's all souls Let me go get it out of the way. I make all the parents of church maybe three times a year So I got up. I smoked the bone. I had a little break. No, I didn't even eat breakfast I went old school with an empty stomach just to really pay for my sins And I fucking drove down there and I walked in and you know what I kept telling myself five more minutes Five more minutes. I'm only gonna save a five more. Yeah. Do you like church when you were a kid or no? There's no child that likes church as a fucking kid. Yeah, lea. Okay. There's no hate it. No everybody It's the worst thing for a fuck. Listen. I'm sitting there because I was thinking about that, right

You have you you you had to go to cat. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I just had a confirmation We're methods. I got the easiest one holly off that juice. It's the toughest Catechism ain't far off man. I did the whole fucking thing but I sat there And I kept saying five minutes and it always the church sucks me in Yeah, right me too. It sucks me in because I'm such a church geek like I was a church geek But when I'm sitting there right away, I'm there two minutes and right away. I see dirty white chick With an eight month old baby With a guy that he didn't comb his hair either. He's got flip-flops on they're sitting and I'm looking at him in the house of the lord

And then I see why you don't bring a child to church because I could see it was her idea Yeah, but it's also that's why they got sunday's score just glorified baby. Let's go when it's families and it's our family you know what A kid starts fidgeting at eight minutes And then back and forth and then somebody has to walk out that guy because he stayed home with the kid and watched the football game He don't need that. Right, you know and the kid is happy. He's happy. He's playing the kid's not walking You know, so you put him in a playpad and watch your fucking game in peace and you you follow me Where my wife goes they have the thing downstairs

You sit upstairs with the kid for 10 minutes and then they tell you take your child downstairs And you take them down the day can they play with them and my wife goes and I usually let me tell you how fucking Untrusting I am I used to go downstairs Just to let these motherfuckers know don't fuck with this kid Right to sit my wife goes go you've been sitting here the whole time the whole time What do you do? I watch her play with the other kids, right? That's what you do is a fucking pilot. I'm gonna just hand her off like these savages I know they hand her over the finger banging your kid

Oh, pick her back up an hour later. You never fucking know guys You never know a dear dear friend that I grew up with I went back to jersey and we were having a drink one day. We weren't even having a drink We went it was in uh new Brunswick. Okay across the street the hotel there We went back there and him and I were talking he goes listen I'm gonna tell you something as your friend because I found that something Nine years after my child was born Don't trust nobody with your kid

Not even me and he goes I love you like a brother not even me Don't ever trust nobody with your fucking kid and there's no fucking problems. There's no problems That's it That's it. There's no fucking problems You know, I always try to watch that. I just you know, I I don't want a child I know what it's like when you get your spirit broken. Yeah, right yesterday. I yelled at her for the first time in three years Oh Yeah, it was hard on it was hard on me yet. My wife said it shocked the central nervous system because she's the disciplinarian

Right and she gets away with shit with me But I got like I was telling Lee lately I feel like a guy with a nice suit And no unpolished shoes you ever walk on the street You see guy with a fucking great suit on but his shoes ain't policy or tennis shoes And this guy left the house shoes. You're like you're just gross just just when they don't shine their shoes Right and that's what I've been doing lately You know, like it's like not that I haven't been shining my shoes because I have a lot going on you

You're slipping different avenues man, so much going on and people think like Well, well, let's do this. So wait, there's nothing I can't keep together what I got now I can't I can't write a book write material do a podcast think of ideas for the podcast book a podcast Go on the road take care of a child talk to a wife You're gonna talk to your fucking wife from time to time and after conversation I do that at six in the fucking morning man. Are you in my fucking head? Is this podcast really happening or is it my Fucking head dude. This is my life right now. You're absolutely right. This is your life and people want more money

You know, like I'm going to Jersey next year. I'm already getting emails. Can we do lunch? No, no No, I'm not doing nothing with nobody. I don't want to see nobody I'll see you at the show 10 minutes. Give me a hug Because you know, it's just you have no idea, you know, when you write how much time you need to write you need two hours At least I gotta get a fucking five to write before the baby gets up at seven You know and no wife, you know, hopefully she don't wake up till 6 30. I got now when she she comes out someone She's like you didn't turn the tv on. I don't want the tv on I don't want nothing on. I just want to fucking smoke dope and see what's coming out of this motherfucker

Yeah, you sleep those eight hours. You're mind pros. It's like a child. You're mind pros Sometimes I wake up and I can't write at night No, I try I try to be fucking hard to fucking find burger night and try to write jokes I can't write at night. I try I'll sit there with a notebook and can't write at night But when I get up at six boy Once I fucking clean that little box and I get that first coffee in me and I get a little bit of coffee in me I get my head too caught up with me. I go outside. I hit that first pipe It's like a fucking sift of creativity that comes out of your head

Was it that way during school because if when I was in school I couldn't start any homework until 10 o'clock at night. I just wouldn't earlier in the day I couldn't do it right. So I was I'm just interested. I wonder if like a lot of some comedians do write at night I'm sure. Oh, yeah, I have tons of friends. I could go home put a pot of coffee up You know Eddie Griffin said he used to do his best writing when the comedy store closed So were you at like that at school when you weren't early at school too or no? No, I'm the type of guy I want to get it over. Yeah, I want to get homework. Let's get it over. Yeah, right I don't want this fucking thing lingering over me. Exactly. And you know what's crazy

I learned that from watching Sam from the sun. I learned that from what Sam from the sun So you got something to do do it and get it over Do it and get it over and you know when I left Catholic school we're talking about this last week That first year my mom told me you got two options You got two options the options are I could hand walk you through this and it's not going to be fun for you Or I can just put all the trust in the world in you You get up on your own you do your own laundry you get up in the morning I'm not going to make your breakfast those that ship sailed

There's cereal there's eggs you can make them yourself or there's a 20 On the way to school stop at the spectre store and tell Henry to make your butter toast On roll that was it that was it. Yeah, give me the heart attack. Yeah, give me which I fucking love those things That was a good sandwich is jack. What's a heart attack? It's just his His neighborhood egg cheese on a fucking kaiser roll with the fucking can of coke at six in the morning Oh, yeah, but like like you see there's sausage or bacon or something They put no, no, I don't I don't deal with that. No, no, that's when we went. That's what I got

I was like, Jesus, you're right. He goes, let's say we want two heart attacks. He's going all the way I just want to oh, just want to bypass. I took Ralphie may is one of the few people That came to north bergen one time. He really did come to north bergen And I took him to headquarters. I didn't fuck around with him. I took him right to headquarters to hashways But yeah, I gotta I gotta tell you something man The older one died gary died and glen's around and whatever and I gotta tell you something I talked to boy his mama could make some rice pudding finchy, man. I talked to his

That's hash. I talked to this kid. That's a radio. What the fuck is his name? And we were talking back and forth. He's up in sacramento doing radio. His name is billy horrenda He's a sports radio updates pretty big in sacramento He's from north bergen and we talked from time to time online and yeah We just happened to talk and he said that he went home For for something and he went by hashways and he couldn't believe it was closed You know when your childhood deli closes, you know, my mic a little hotter and uh He was saying how we that's never gonna happen again

And you one of the a few people I took leave but it was at the end. He didn't have roast beef that day and I went off You were pissed. I was pissed because that was gary gary and rest in peace gary, you know I don't mean to talk bad of you a fucking moron But rest in peace. I liked you for the time being with the complimentary pickle I forgot always a good fucking pickle a good fucking pickle a heart one of them crunchy ones Fucking good pickles. It's amazing that that deli is gone. I'll never eat there again Never like that that taste that roast beef on rye with salt and pepper Fresh bread they got man. They used to have a fresh bread twice a day talk

They used to have a portuguese roll for bread for breakfast. That's why I turned you on that was what it was It was an egg with cheese on with ham or bacon on the portuguese roll Jesus fucking strong man. Are you talking to leave the fucking yoking and put butters when you break into it The yoke would break and it mixed with the butter that drips down your face. You have no fucking idea much That's a heart attack on a fucking bun right? What's portuguese roll portuguese roll is like uh A so a fucking circular roll they have on in jersey. Are they sweet or no? No, no, no It's like french bread, but circular it's round. It's like what they used to call old human bread. It's When you touch they take it. Oh, like a boy. Yo, what is that? What does paul call that? I don't know boy

Yo, no, no, no, that's mexican shit out here. This is east coast fucking This is old school old school portuguese roll Unfucking believe but but it's still done with the with the seated roll. It still works with a kaiser roll That's the hall. That's what I'm used to. Yeah, that's the kaiser roll with a you who for breakfast I could pull two of those motherfuckers down Two of those fucking savage and nobody does that. You know what? It's a price leader If you have a breakfast place

What's the cost for a roll 12 cents? What's the cost for an egg seven cents? Right? What's a piece of cheese? That's 2.99 with a cup of coffee. Yeah, they're making a profit. That's all for 50 cents 50 cents All fucking profit people have refused to make a friend and there's places on east coast that you go that you already have the egg Sandwich made in aluminum foil then they have butter butter rolls Yeah, a fucking butter roll in the winter when you get up That's as comfortable as can be and they put an extra layer of butter on that butter roll To get right through your ventricles and your heart and squeeze those motherfuckers forgot all about that We used to have like juniors and seniors in my high school could leave campus

And there was this Like convenience store like a mile from where I grew up and I had never been in there I forget the name of it now But I went in and they had right on the counter like a little heated Like mini fridge sort of thing, but it was heated and had just trays of breakfast sandwiches So we had like first or second period off. We'd go there every day That was good. I don't eat breakfast sandwiches 7-eleven and I'm like that, you know 7-eleven

This is like a special you like when you people would come from miles that and now when you're in north bergain We have a place called six corners. Is it good? Oh down that's five corners six corners It's down on 40 Wherever the fuck that is. Okay. So hashways was on jfk boulevard, right jfk boulevard So you stand jfk boulevard all the way to 43rd street You're at a light with a cemetery and a fucking funeral cemetery on the hill, right? Right, and it's but it's not for fuso's place, right? No, it's down more. So yeah, yeah, yeah County boulevard. All right, and then you hook that fucking right you all the way down that hill and you go to

Like kind of like you're going to cliffside or something. No, no, no the other direction Okay, the other so you're going downtown north bergain. It's a downtown So you're going down It's hard to explain you go down the hill then cut and it's a place that has it's called six corners Because there were six corners. Wow. It's the weirdest thing. There's the bank corner The back corner the corner across the street the street the one by the bank is four Five six. Yeah six corners and it's a circle that meets there and it was never there when I was growing up It's just there but it's now to fill that boy. Yeah, they're taking over they're taking a hashways business

I mean that mama hashway coming in and every day making that rice pudding cocoa was you were like Hey, I'm in Manhattan. He goes. I'm staying in north bergain. The food's better. I'm like, come on. This is Manhattan He goes, trust me rice pudding. I'll be there in 20 minutes. I'll be I'll be there 20 minutes That's how it went cream and cinnamon on top. You have no idea You just jump that just jump on the tunnel first exit jfk boulevard like a doctor you're rolling and hashways was right there on your right You couldn't miss it. It was so good, man I would open up a business model after hashways and keep it that simple before the Their biggest mistake is they got greedy like anybody else does in america and they weren't prepared for the greed

You know and they weren't prepared for a thing called cocaine either Cocaine greed and a liquor store. So they bought the liquor store next door and they were never really ready for that When they just had the deli with sandwiches and whatever I used to watch mr. Hashway. I'm a fucking thief I used to watch mr. Hashway and mr. Hashway used to make deposits three times a day I remember going in there at 10 30. He'd go coco Stock used when glenn and pete leave. That's who glenn was the kid who owned it glenn hashway The parents glenn and gary were the sons and when they were in college I would go in there in high school. I was like a junior. Mrs. Hashman st. Coco

Stock up to use because we're all sold. I mean you who's would sell by 10 o'clock But a hundred you who's in that fucking case But it was all daily. It was all day the teachers busy all day The school got so pissed that they told people that you weren't allowed to leave the school for lunch now Why because they wanted the cafeteria to make money So if they caught you with hashways to understand you got to spend the all the food distribution in north jersey's handled By a lot of people you don't want no fucking problems with you know what I mean? All right, so people stay and eat the goddamn

All right, let us go to fucking the house. They were to spend so you were to spend us But mr. Hash will go fuck that go in the back. I'm not gonna let him go in the back But if I say hey guys that means run out the back door So for a year until they moved that law we would sit in the back of hashways Let's delete the fucking thing while the school teachers were in front looking for And the Truman office is the whole thing Fucking hysterical Man, there was no goddamn good place in my shit town. I got no good stories

You know, you know, we had fried bologna sandwiches Lee. Oh my god. You hear that that your grandma rolling off When I went back in 93, he's just flipping right in the gray. My god. When I went back in 93 I stayed with my buddy in Seacwalk is named Mike Ronnie And down the block from his house was a fucking deli that I'll put it up against any deli ever But their fucking claim to fame was they had peppers stuffed With uh mozzarella sauce

Oh my god with mozzarella cheese and a little sauce and I go in in the morning Which is the green peppers just a fucking like a pepper and you and it's a spicy pepper It was like that pepper Chini So you had to get three of them And a sandwich so you could eat the pepper while you're eating the fucking sandwich that type of whole school deli You have different types of delis, but that was right. What a fuck three fat guys got to talk about food for now Because we're we're all stone and it sounds great But it's crazy what today signifies in the catholic religion and a lot of other religions. It's also

I mean our our good friend george got uh rest his mama's soul She's passed this year and you know, it's it's hard man. My uncle jim passed this year. It's hard You know, you see people at the end of their life that cancer is a miserable miserable thing, man I mean, it is a horrible way to pass You know, you know, I'd rather get slammed into a sign on the five and break that bitch I'd say god forbid, but hey, I'd rather take that than That stuff, you know what I mean? So it was it was just fun going to church. It really was I went by myself with no pressure I'm my wife and the kid I didn't want them that

I just wanted to go because they we did that church over st. Bartholomew that we did it over So I just went in there 715 I'll tell you what man. It just brought back a lot of fucking memory Like that's what happens in church for me now when I go to church I look at the 12 stations of the cross and it's like a fucking acid trip, man Yeah, I just go back into sections And I remember I was thinking about my godfather one of the worst examples in my life was fuck my godfather After church, I went home and I tried to find them

On facebook? Nah, he's those fucking cubans. I'm on facebook. He lives in the keys I wanted to really when I was a kid my god It's a may what has happened Did you see mad max? Yes, okay The question that fucked me in that movie is who killed the world Oh, yeah, man. Keep asking who killed the world. You know what man? They've killed the fucking world All right, the world is half dead and we don't even know no, it's more than half. They're treating this week

I saw trick-or-treat now There's no kids on the daytime. I mean, these are great areas to trick-or-treat. I didn't get one at night I saw kids but They they're confined the parents put the fear of god into these kids. Yeah, you know Friday night. I went to this trunk of tree You know what man? Did mercy have a great time? Fuck yeah, she had a great time You know, did I have a great time? Fuck yeah watching her and watching the kids and watching my wife. I dressed up

I put fangs in my mouth and she kept saying no, thank you daddy Which means take the fucking fangs out of your mouth No, thank you daddy as you keep tugging my cape. No, thank you daddy It was the cutest fucking thing. I went in there and I had a great time We got that 5 30 the dinner they made us was you know, not bad. It was a cheeseburger with macaroni salad It was a barbecue I enjoyed it and then I watched her play ball with other kids and I could tell that we're halfway there We're okay. We got an okay kid the ball hit her in the face three times

She didn't cry some little boy dressed up as captain american got hit once he wouldn't stop crying But when the kids left to eat she didn't want to eat so she stayed with me She goes daddy come in and I started playing ball with her So when kids came over to play she was like It's me and him now And she was going fucking nuts. That was the only problem we had all night. Everything is great But back to trunk of tree. It's like a cars get together It's like a beautiful car show and they back up and they open their trunks and they hand kids

And they sit in front of the trunk with disguises And I'll tell you what is it like a lowrider club and or hot rods and stuff No, no, no, no, it was just all these fucking studio city people. Oh, yeah, you know Whatever they are. I don't know what but I didn't talk to one. I talked to maybe two parents in the principle man, you know, I've gone I've done that same thing with uh Uh Mexican car clubs, bro. They are the nicest that they had they had a whole goat cooking Okay, I mean it was the real deal old ladies was making tortillas. Okay. They was handing out good candies and stuff like that

Having a blast. They had a band a salsa band. It was on man. I'm telling you kids. This was for fucking kids Yeah, that's it was for kids too. Yeah, there's no fucking salsa band when there's kids I'm telling you there was there. Oh, white kids. No, this is white kids. There's no salsa band. There's no Beatles They're barely walking around here about white people. So these motherfuckers. I mean the most interesting thing in the world was I looked at my wife at one point. I go What the fuck is this? I know like I almost have a nervous breakdown like what the fuck is this This is like Puerto Rican shit, but I go this is what This is what we have now

The parents scare the kids And you know, let's let's get together and let's put them all together When I was a kid you at one parent when I everybody held hands and you fucking knocked on doors and you yelled and You know saturday night. I didn't see people till eight o'clock at night How much pop do I smoke on my balcony at night people a lot? I'm standing out there and I was scared to smoke and my kids are gonna walk up on me after 30 minutes Nobody said nothing every once in a while. I'd see three kids and a parent But the 80 90 kids I used to run with 80 fucking kids on thanks. Yeah

You ran 80 deep on thankgiving and you keep running into other people. Yeah and bundles are 20. I didn't see that And it's just what I know apparently found needles and fuck every year some fucking dummy in pittsburgh Sticks hypodermic needles and fucking chalk with no this shit Man, that's why I meant I I tell all my kids, uh, hey daddy has to inspect all of your candy I need a bite out all the That's what I did on saturday night Friday night dog. I got so high at the trunk of treat I went home and she came home with a bag of candy and I kept sitting there

I started talking to me like cocaine like 1130 and you have one rhesus Oh, you're fucked then you're fucked rhesus will fucking put you over the leather If you start with the little ones the bulls that's why I started one. Oh, I ate three of those I took three cups getting getting cups out every now and then I went back and got the whole cup I went back got the sweetest fish. I did all those sweetest fish. That's my world. That's my world since I've been fucking fine Since I came from kube, I discovered sweetest fish the red ones or the multicolored Listen to red ones. They only come in one color sweetest fish. That's it. The ones that's 7 11 in the bag That's the only one I eat all those imitations and skinny worms and shit shove those up your mother's ass

I don't eat none of that shit. I'm a fucking Swedish fucking fish fan Since day one when I was a kid I'd buy him by the box Oh, they're so good And I'd get a brown bag and I'd stick my hand and put them in and put them in my pocket That's how there was something when I was you put them in your pocket in a bag in a brown bag You get there's a big tray of them. No, I bought the box from the wholesaler. Oh really? Holy shit I used to know where to buy the box that there was a fucking wholesaler for candy when I was a kid on tundly avenue

And I would go down there. I wouldn't tell nobody I wouldn't tell nobody I go down there and I get a box of Swedish fish and I get a box of a thing called devil gum What's that devil gum way before fucking these other Gum thieves thought about big red See big red with who makes big red wriggly wriggly see wriggly They bumped devil gum when I was a kid devil gum was cinnamon, but it was hot like if you ate three slices Your asshole was gonna be on fire though. That's what Mexicans give their kids when they're in daycare. You know, we had atomic fireballs That's how we had

But you also swallowed gum joey, you know My asshole's not on fire because I'm telling you I've been swallowing gum since day one So my body knows how to process it now See if you start swallowing gum when you ate then you're fucked up I've been swallowing gum since day one If can some doctor, please email joey dina's and do what what's he gonna say them? I've seen learn how to listen. I have pulled the gum out of my ass. So I have pulled little pieces of gum sometime That don't get processed. Yeah out of the house. Oh god. Well, sometimes you go to pull this shit out and you can hear the gum going

It's like You can hear a gum. It's like getting Let me tell you what Have joey when he gets one of them good ass zits above his asshole to come and pop it like a foot and a half Away from you. So you hear it Okay, he did that in my fucking apartment after he drank all my goddamn orange juice All right, he drank a whole fucking bag of orange juice in 10 minutes and then proceeded to pop a zit on his asshole Yes, and no not on his asshole in the crack right above it. So to get any pressure behind it

He had to take those big Go one knuckle deep I know all the stories By the day I ain't ashamed to say I used to travel by bus to a lot of gigs Rayhound was my sponsor for a long time The joey express the joey express I would get on that fucking downtown bus to El Paso and I'd drop me off and pick you up The longest bus ride I did was New York City to Dallas

That was the longest because I had nothing going on and I'm gonna go to all the way to canning and drop 200 When I could I'm here right here and I could pay the express for 48 dollars I looked at just to see just to get to Boston. It's like only like two and a half days for like a hundred bucks So I would never I mean if I'm just saying if I had to You'll never have to man. I travel by bus because I own one Get a king-size bed. Don't do that. I could never set up I could never sit like that, but you guys ought to jump on the bus sometime and we do this church At other parts of the country. Yeah, where's the bus now the bus it will be here

To tonight it'll get in tonight from Tennessee and And then we're here. We're gonna be driving. They're gonna be driving around Wednesday And Tuesday and Wednesday and and then we go north to do do some gig I don't know where it has to be honest with you. I don't look at my camera travel No fucking a full fire. You guys would kill each other. I would you guys wouldn't before you got to the first rest stop You're you're retarded. We would hotbox that bus. It would be just look bro. Yeah, but look Lee shut the fuck up Okay, me and Coco have lived in a An apartment smaller than this fucking studio

Okay, and we were we laughed our asses off and when the doors were open and the windows were open because it was so Fucking hot and we couldn't hardly go to sleep because it was noisiest shit. We put our joy in Medina Five minutes sleepy time wake up though kicks for Jesus making biscuits And I had him on the floor futon. Okay, and John Westling on the floor on the floor and jody ferding on the bed Yeah, it was crazy. We were we were in it to win it. This was team us 1440 you don't even understand kill ourselves. We're brothers. Are you kidding me? Well, not literally. I'm just saying like you'll put something on the tv that he doesn't want or he'll start I got five fucking tvs five fucking tvs on that goddamn bus pick what channel you want

Player, I got it. How many bedrooms on the bus? I've got I've got a king-sized back bedroom That's that's it pops out. Okay, and then the living room pops out and then there's three bunks it's got a two bathrooms and a shower on it and Um, I've got I think there's like six air conditioners on it So if we go someplace where it's hot like I went to Bonnaroo this summer and everybody all these dirty white people Were out there when it's 120 degrees the dirt. Fuck you. I took three showers a day I was the sweetest smelling motherfucker out there. People were like they thought I was for real or something

I was smelling so good. Okay. I was doing it jack. It was awesome. Everybody's boo-hoo, and it's hot. Yeah me too I'm gonna go make a fucking margarita in my bus Take a shower and smoke a bone. Fuck you. I hate that band. Okay. It was awesome It was so great, but that's how we got to go dude. We got to go in the fucking bus All right, your babies would go bananas in that bus Your baby would love that fucking bus. I'm a fucking monster I can't go spend that no I just ate an expired vicarin. What do you think will happen? Who gives a fuck couple weeks ago, you know what happened?

I'm gonna say what happened. They're listening. Yeah, right I'm gonna tell you what fucking happened. What happened puppy a couple weeks ago. I went swimming In Toledo and I got in the fucking plane the next day. I got an ear infection, right? Oh my god, and I was sitting there and I'll tell you man I'm you know when you work out and you're heavy you have to take a leave sometimes or the other one The other one No, no the other one there's a leave in Advil That's all that works right this point for big guys when you go to jujitsu

Dude, I'm past that. Yeah, and you get slammed on your back when you go home and you eat your lunch First thing you do is take an Advil especially you have to train the next day. Really? You gotta do all that shit Lee because it lowers the inflammation You gotta eat fucking like smoking weed eat weed actually takes away the inflammatory from your fucking thing You see the google today, and he basically the front page of uh, no yahoo today. What'd it say? More people turn to medical marijuana prescriptions are down prescriptions are down Descriptions are going down man. Yeah. Yeah, the opiates are going down opiates are going down. Yeah, the benzos are going down

Listen, I'm telling you as your brother You fucking go and you work out with any problem. No savage is down there on that night and you walk home You can't move. Oh, yeah, I'm sure I'll do an experiment with the motherfucker I will experiment. I will give you an elive one night And a week later we'll do it again And I'll give you a chunk of real hash and you eat that hash And you call me tomorrow when you tell me which day makes you feel like that's a bruce liet for soreness Nobody knew why he was eating marijuana 40 years ago

Danny Nassanto said that he can think genius. That's why he was eating marijuana Because he knew that a leave will kill you Yeah, a leave and the advil will fucking eat your fucking liver. You got to drink gallons of water You take a leave you got to drink fucking water throughout the daytime. That's why I don't take them at night I take them when I get home from jiu-jitsu bam. So I'm not Or kettle bells. I'm not soaring out later. Whatever the fuck I do when you're sore sometimes you get sore from flying Dude, I get wiped off. Oh Shit man, first of all, well six hour flight leave you fucking sore. All right. Yeah, okay

You you fly and your connection Dallas got bumps. So now you're in fucking Chicago and you land at b32 And yours is next flight is at h 17. You got 15 fucking minutes And Chicago the fucking terminals are so close together There's no room for a fucking for a fucking one of them chairs You can give 20 dollars to a black guy with a golf cart. No, you got to fucking hump it, dude You got a fucking rock got a rock. And then you're hungry You're fucking hungry. You got a ronnie

There's no sometimes I take Out the one night when my ear infection I go, you know what somebody gave me these two vikers and he told me when he gave So they expired him a throne away I said don't give a fuck give me two because I know I'll need them one night. It's not like I eat them That night with the ear infection I popped that viken and I gotta tell you something I got fucked up on that couch dog. I liked it Man smoke the hit and I fucking went to bed. I got up like Brandon the next day My ear hurt a little bit, but it didn't hurt as much as it hurt

He gave me two and I said the other one fell out of the bag. That was it right there Oh my god, that was the one I just found that I thought it fell out of the fucking bag Man, I think I like those pills too much. I don't do them. I don't I don't fuck with none of them no more I like I like uh, I like them too much. I like the feeling of When I'm on the road Yeah, that's where I like Something to sleep I have sleeping pills to prescribe to me me too because I can't sleep you need sleeping pills to weed

Yeah, I can't I could fall asleep right now. You're not us When I get up at five on the road you're a titty, baby when I get up on Thursday morning And I gotta go do radio right and I get up and it's six Right like they're picking me up at seven thirty. Okay, so I don't want to just get up at seven on the rush I want to get up. I want to relax. I want to read the paper. I want to eat a good breakfast I want to write a little bit. I want to slow down Stretch a little stretch a little I'll get up and take a chance do all that show. We talking about About getting up time managers. Yeah with that

With the Yeah, you you fly to you fly the other side of the fucking country for six seven hours Okay, you getting your fucking shit hotel at one thirty a.m Those dicks are coming to pick you up at five. They didn't even call ahead and be considering if I go What kind of coffee do you need kind of bringing some breakfast? I do all that I do all that on my I do that all my own my own for seven thirty when they get there I'm prepared when I get back to that hotel room and I get high I'll sleep like a baby right but after two shows to the weed. There's too much energy

There's too much energy after the show. I know for a fact that I'm not gonna sleep Saturday night I know for a fact even this week. I'm important my fly. I gotta be at the input of five thirty I get back to Burbank at eight a.m. Yeah, I come out out So five thirty if I gotta be at the airport at five thirty that means I'm lurking at four thirty in the morning So I I'm prepared for that three hour sleep after the comedy club So what I do is

Saturday mornings I get up eat breakfast I walk around I get high do whatever the fuck I gotta do I get back to that room about ten o'clock jack And Ralphie does the same because Ralphie will call me on Saturdays from the road and I go what time is it? That that's free time that little time. That's it Yeah, that's I take that nap after that. It's over because I'm sleeping straight till three Yeah, because we're at work. I have to and I don't fucking work. You know me. I don't sleep late ever But Saturdays, I don't do lunches. I don't do nothing because I know I'm gonna be lurking all night

I know that I have a chance of falling asleep for three hours But probably not even probably not even yeah, I'm used to it now, bro. They got a flight I'm taking I'm going to jersey and I'm still flying into kennedy jack I'm going to new brunswick because there's no connect everything is connecting to jersey now There's only one direct and that's virgin But virgin gets me in at eight a virgin will get me in thursday cool at 2 30 sunday I ain't waiting till one to fly back to hell. No, it gets me back here at 3 30. I can't do it. I can't do it Hey, man, look at southwest. They've got one race get two chairs. It's too connecting

Listen southwest is good for two hours Yeah, two hours your back starts to hurt. Yeah, no, there's no entertainment. There's nothing. There's no No, so what gives you free tv? They give you free tv on the wife. I gotta bring on tv and I gotta lock in and all that shit What the fuck I sit next to a communist Oh my god, listen, I know American Airlines. I got 200,000 miles on. I got platinum virgin. I'm platinum Listen, there's no southwest. It's from California

Nevada California lax to austin Yeah, houston two hours two to two ten two fifteen Anything after two or two and a half hours of southwest You're asking for trouble this whole story started with the pimple in the ass because of the bust If you want a pimple in the ass, that's that bad Fly fucking southwest. So what happened was I come back on a monday night from fucking El Paso I've been sitting on a bus for 12 hours. I must have fell asleep sideways I was about three 70 at the time and the crease of the fat in my ass

built the pimple up three or four inches from my asshole headed like uh North elite north My asshole is right here on the cheek on the inside I got a pimple that stuck out an inch And it was developing like it started with an inch. How did he find it so quickly? How'd I find it? I couldn't sit. He couldn't every time I went to sit. I'm like wow something hurts And then he pulled the hair out. You gotta tell him about it. I took a fucking mirror

And I took this was the days when I was In my apartment And I had a look at my ass and bent over guys. It was a whitehead on my ass. Oh my god That was throbbing it hurt so much. Oh, and I couldn't take it when I'm sitting there talking to Ralphie And I remember that I go he was taught me a story about something and I'm sitting I finally opened up my pants from the front I got no underwear on You know, you didn't even you didn't even take your pants off. That's when you take my pants off

That's when you had the ball the ball pants. I stuck my hand through a hole like a fucking yoga position I had to get to a yoga positionally and I had to squeeze the pimple but turn it But I had to turn the skin down So it would go pop And lee you could hear it go pop and it was just a yellow ball of puss I had to go back in and I had with my fingernails. I had to take the fucking I took a piece of skin out like you take stuff out of them. Yeah

You have an ingrown hair from sitting twisted on a buffer toilet If you sit down all day, you will have pimples on your ass dramatically All those fat people that walk around and work in offices. Look at their ass from time to time. Oh my god It's got a big it's like strippers and some reason strippers always got a big white head If you look at a stripper's ass when she's dancing close look up close Do you always see a little little white head on that cheek? I'm just teasing. It's just a joke. He looks at least yeah, at least he's going in. He's like really It's just for the experience. I didn't know you had to pull stuff out of him. Well, we didn't turn in growing hair like that

Yeah like that on your ass cheek. Yeah, and it was a long hair too. I saw it made me look vomit a little bit my mouth Totally gross terrible terrible. I know people think that comedy when you saw those buses for that long and now Now I you know, it's it's you fly so much over the years and Southwest I love I'm not saying that they're a bad airline not at all southwest is big fast bird bank I take southwest. I'm for whatever that thing is the level that you yeah. Yeah a level a level I love southwest I used to hate the way they board but they poured much quicker dude so much so much better

It works so much better get the fuck on Fuck you get on. Fuck you get on 15 a 30 You get a seat in the aisle. You sit there. You give people dirty looks as they walk by I had to do the math because I Forgot to check in one time and I was like b 30 or something b 20, but I didn't matter. It's like 96 aisle and Window seats. So as long as you're in the first 96, you're cool You did the math. I got nervous, dude. I don't want to you are such that's the jewish thing you've ever said to me And you're just I'm a chubby guy. I don't have 10 in the million years, dude

dude You've got you've got the flag of Israel right there And that is the jewish thing you've ever said that you've counted all the fucking Seats, but not really. Oh my god. Dude. Here's what I do because because I'm fat I got to buy two seats, right and I don't mind that's no big deal Here's how cool fucking southwest is though if that plane ain't full they give me one of those Uh Seats back for free for free. And so the next time so I fly, you know, when I live in Nashville

The two-hour flight. I'm in I'm in Boston two-hour flight. I'm in Chicago two-hour flight. I'm in Miami You know, 85% of my work is within two-hour flight. So I go over there southwest. This is how good they are in Nashville Holy shit. I got there 10 minutes before the plane was supposed to take off and they go Ralphie, we've already got you checked in The plane is now having mechanical problems. And as soon as you get on it'll be fixed Okay, and they rush this was before the tsa bypass all that bullshit They were like just pat him down get him on the plane and they wheeled me from and one of them go karts Because this how much Southwest loves you they come they got me to that plane and as soon as I stepped on

Hey, the problem's solved. Yeah, everybody clapped. I had my two seats right there waiting for me like a doctor And and those guys love me. They come out. They're the best Burbank is cool southwest Burbank People that's Orlando Casino's daughter. Oh, yeah, she works there. She's the front desk manager. So I sometimes I get there What are you or whatever if I know she's there you got clout Yeah, one time she took me into the southwest thing and I was eating food Sandwiches from the fucking lunch room. They had a party. I'm in the party She goes you got delayed so you might as well come with me And I went until it's there and they had little sandwiches cut up with potato chips and people from southwest were back there eating

She put me right in the thing. She goes, I'll come back and get you. They're really nice I didn't say they were a bad thing. I know but it's not that comfortable. It's not that comfortable You know, I mean it's again. Here's the thing. It's not that comfortable if the plane is packed and we're a fat fuck Right. Okay. My shoulder goes on southwest man. Me too. Oh my god I get shoulder pain on southwest. I know, you know, I made a mistake I connected one time to save three hundred dollars or two papers You know, because you're always looking to save right fly and flying is something that if you're looking to save You're gonna have an uncomfortable journey

Prepare for it go on their website spirit the options You know united has a thing where they give you a bigger seat and they give you security clearance Yeah for 75 bucks. It's worth every dime Yeah, because that means i'm i'm walking in the first class line, right? That's worth 75 bucks and then there's economy and economy The united offers that you have to scroll all the way down. It's 75 each way. It's worth it It's worth it. You just buy it. It's amazing economy. It's worth it. God damn worth it a couple weeks ago I was I was I was uh

I was upgraded to first class and I still didn't almost make the flight because of the security line Yeah, this is what is going on out there people. So if you're flying over the holidays, I'm telling you right now If they offer get early earlier thing or get it If you have a passport by the way and you what in your travel a lot Just go get tsa pre-approved. It takes about five minutes Okay, which utterly scared the living shit out of me that I just showed up with my passport and my id And they asked me like six questions like do you love america? Of course Uh, are you a lot allied with any of the uh, uh terrorist group against them against the country?

And I go not only do I fucking hate them fucking cock sucking dirty sons of bitches Okay, they shot at me. Fuck you. All right. I hate russians. I'm bonafide jack Fuck that and they go have a nice day. Mr. May I had raised my hand sound piece of paper Boom had it then and all you do is go up there You I you don't have to take anything off. No, I don't I see no shoes. No fucking no email me Hey email me and I showed my wife. Is it true that you have to give them like access to your social media or is that bullshit? No, that's bullshit. What are you talking about? I hear stuff. I don't know that's that's bullshit But you know what you know what though it would be smart and let me tell you every business

I'm doing it. I put on the bus a tower A mobile cell phone tower Wi-Fi rather that like the largest one you can get on in a mobile unit And so I get free wi-fi at all my shows All right, but what happens to log in is I get all your information So next time I'm in the area I can hit you up and and and go. Hey, I'm here All right, and it's that's how I do it I I provide it costs me a lot of money to do it

But at least I get something in exchange and they get free internet. You know what I mean, right? That's cool It's really cool. And that's what you got to do for people But businesses all around are doing that, but you know what they do It's not like on southwest you give them their email and if you got like a ipad or something You can watch real tv and they've got movies on there, too All right, and you can flip channels and it's real time and that's for free instead of like What is it boing or something like that and that's like fucking 22 dollars goddamn And it's shit. You can't work twitters or nothing, but that's garbage that that's way too fucking much

I mean like a month so southwest gives you free wi-fi. Yeah, but it's What you want to why I don't get it here So you just have to but they don't want they don't want to pay for screens So you could bring out your tablet and log in just you just log in you just sit head accept And then they have like a whole bunch of tv stations Yeah, but you can get all your wi-fi everything on there everything especially if you're a-list you get everything You get you get out of it for a free. I do not fly jet blue I'm too wide in the ass and it doesn't I don't live in a hub of it

But I do live in a hub nationals a hub for uh southwest and you know, they've got three directs I took american here first class like a doctor. I was out of there at 6 15 on saturday on halloween That was the first one in there on there. America's got a nice flight today, dude. It's a fantastic flight, man They add one during the winter. Yeah, there's a problem like in the winter you have to look They add an extra one on the way back because usually you have to leave early and have one at night Yeah, they get nervous about dallas and and chicago So they add an extra direct to nashville because nashville's such a great hub that That you can get out of the south and and right there from there

Like that's like their emergency when like when dallas has a ice storm in chicago's fucked up They they add extra flights to other key cities just so like to miami so they can bring people up to the east coast It's crazy, but that's what they do. They're smart, you know They get they they do it like they do baby. They do it like they do a lot of people don't fly they get I'm gonna tell you what the best Flight i'm gonna tell you what the best ticket is in the business What's that virgin main cabin select

Fucking amen. I'll tell you what virgin first class is bomb doing i'm talking about the main cabin select the one behind The people in town afford first class. Oh my god. It's first class. It's first class. It's first class Like it's first class first class. I have the price It's first. I have the price best seat in the business and then without a doubt You've got more leg space actually than you are in having first class I've been more comfortable in main cabin select Than I am in first class. You know why because they have a desk. I could put a notebook down I could actually fucking type something and you can I got your real hands, bro

You can stretch the bug out. It's got more space than first class does you have to hit a button You they bring your free food. Yeah free booze Everything's on the house So it's still first class only not the first class and you still stand on the first class line That fucking brit and if you want to fly first class you call 12 hours before the flight Yeah, if it ain't full up 149. Yeah book. They bump you And then you always have to go across the country That's going across the only problem is they like like all right. I want to go to fucking austin from lax

Right. No, you got to go to san francisco first. Oh, yeah That's the problem that I foresee chicago. I love to take virgins to chicago. But you know what? I don't want to get that lax at nine Yeah, that's hard exit nine is rough. That's a rough flight You know what get american or get me anywhere at five a.m. If I call him and ask him All right, that's one thing about america. That's true. That's one thing about american airline That's why flights. That is why I fucking fly american. They are They got a vampire flight

They got a 24 hour they got a five a.m. To chicago. That means you have to be at lax At four a.m. What type of human being are you that you're lurking at four a.m. Without drugs you yeah me You know, it would be more effective like if they ran like southwest is almost a 24 hour a day airline um, and especially with its all its international flights now, but uh, I'm telling you man american is the smartest in the business They lower the rates of what they could but they run them all the fucking time and it it They lower the rates in that so they have more people go to the off times Who are bargain hunting like the rest of us used to and then main consumers can pay at an accelerated rate For the last immediate good flights that aren't as full because the cheap people got diverted to the other flights

It's a goddamn beautiful business model. That's how you fucking make money But it's amazing how much these companies treat the customers like crap like especially Well, there's no there's no fucking reason why the I mean all right If you are if you were the worst person in the fucking world Go work at the airport because no one will bitch about you because they don't have time to fill out a form They don't have time to fucking gonna talk to your manager. They just don't they've got a plane to catch So they go that guy was a dick and they watch you next plane you get if it's free It's awesome if you're an asshole go work at the airport a year ago

I made a really bad mistake and this is the type of person I am because I know it's a corporation I know it's a company and I know uh Was it you really that were having to know I was having a chat today with somebody about agents And I said listen, I know people who are shit agents But the agents are killer Yeah, doesn't matter Just because he's you know, I was looking at her. He's the funniest thing I have on IMDB They've got a rating for agencies and

Managements and all that shit CAA is obviously number one William Morris is number two innovative is like eight And then the ancient time was like 200. It's like 300. You know, it's a fucking nightmare There's some management companies I looked at And here's what's fucked up You look at Jeff Sussman's management. Yeah, they're 4,300 a regular person will look at that and go I wouldn't even talk to that management company. Yeah What do you mean 4,000 that's how much they cost that's how like that's the rating that was the rating

That was as far down the list, but they've got three clients on all three million is Million it doesn't matter. It doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. Do you understand me? So it's all bullshit What are the what are the rankings based on I guess the clients earnings? And and yeah, the clients earnings and so like I'm with William Morris and they're I think worldwide they're number one, but I hear an American CAA is especially in LA All right, but William Morris is badass. Who gives a fat baby's dick at third that level They're there. I mean unless they're worthless or fucking strung out on something

I mean, there's been a lot that have risen and fallen because of what they're snorting and what they're drinking on their fucking expense But man if you've got if you got one client and you're that guy's manager and that fucking guy is Of a Kevin Hart Your your rating would be I mean that you only have one client and you're so far down But Kevin will work hard and make a ton of money. But what if he takes two years off? You know just to relax and build up a new act, you know, that's why that's when your rating drops to 5,000 liked assessments I mean, how much tv does even joe and and and kevin do anymore? No more. No more They I mean is joe doing you still throwing people around at ufcs, right? Right, right, but that's that's that's

Even have a theatrical Some guy called me and they said he would be the such a fucking Amazing action hero, and I understand. I understand. Oh, god. He would be Amazing. Okay, would joe rogan. Okay with a fucking skull and tats and crazy shit Okay, driving a hot ride through the fucking desert for hot bitches. What the fuck? I'm all from that that fucking nice ass court bed of his You don't want to do it. Oh god damn it run to it. I wouldn't want to do it either He can throw a friend of mine asked me that he could change a light bulb with a kick

If you put a show on tv wouldn't you want to be executive produce? I go he probably would do it if I asked him But it's the last thing on his mind It's the lad and if you understood his life, he does the easiest path of resistance You know, we were talking about work ethic a couple weeks ago You know he got that job at the ufc as a volunteer He called the guy and said I'll fly myself out. I just want to do something with my time Do you guys have an idea what the ufc pays him when he's become on that channel? He's like the voice of that shit. Yeah, this didn't come to him because he trained he went to the right ITT institute of

Of uh, yeah, he had fun balls. He stepped up And that's what this this whole thing's about is yeah fucking balls So if you have this job right guys, this is how he looks at it and I look at it the same way Right, you got this job That flies you into vegas or whatever every once a month to qualify They pay a shitload of money. He gets residuals from two shows guys. Yeah, he was on two syndicate shows hits Why would you want to drive? Water brothers and put up with that. Yeah, why you know how hard it is to be the rock

It's it's fucking you know how hard it is to be the rock See people in Kansas then because he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing He's gonna wake up one day and go first of all, how many needles can I stick in my blood? How many needles can I stick in my neck before my kidney blows up? Because that's how the public needs to see you all the time He went on some show a month ago and said he eats 20 pounds of fish a day. That's all great dandy Okay, but you gotta stick Body to be that fucking big hey me and you going to some sushi spots. We got him on that one. Yeah, we got him

So You have to train right now joe rogan has a family He's he doesn't want to come down to hell. Why would you want to listen guys? I was telling somebody that day What do I want? What do I want? Do I want the joey deers show not 20 million years? I'm 52 I did blow for 30 fucking years I I I you know, I'm surprised I didn't fall with the mouth for so much bad pussy. I ate like the kadasi and black guy Oh, yeah

Let me tell you I would foam at the mouth. Those bitches are the fucking kiss a debt for 20 years I'm overweight. You gotta look at you gotta look at your fucking weight You gotta look at your life and go how long am I gonna fucking last So do I really want to drive to paranormal every day and put up with this faux pas producer and director on their creative thoughts Yeah for a show for five more fucking years and my glory to stick away from my kids The kids are fine. He's fine. The u.s. He pays him great money. He goes on the road When he wants to what the u.s.c. So it's all in house Oh, yeah, people make me laugh when I go to these clubs are like, so what's it gonna take?

For joe rogan to come to my club. I I want to say listen act of god He comes in for one fucking night He doesn't want you know, I've been in 98 being at the laugh factory one night And I tell the story constantly As when the people like him or dislike him or he's not funny or funny Dane cook one night walked out of the laugh factory 99 And he came over and said hello to me and I looked on they go. How was the last stop last week? He goes, that's a fucking great club, man

Yeah, that was 92. He goes, but no, no, I mean uh 2008 2001 he goes It's 2000 but the only problem is It's a lot of work Yeah Wednesday through sunday and I looked at him And I didn't think about what he was saying, but I got it Dude and that guy had a ton of money and we had two dollars to our name And we would have we would have been we would have loved it

But no, he just he goes. I just want to play bigger places. That's it. Just one show. That's it one show He put that out there. He made he put a plan together He changed comedy with that move with that move and I saw it happening. I remember the day who started it Dane is the one who started it You know everybody before from mitchheadburg everybody Wednesday through sunday Maybe stay until tuesday if the drugs are good every fucking body everybody dougie stanhope Everybody did it Fucking dang cook was the first one that broke the fucking model the clubs had had the control the whole time because

There wasn't in the after comedy died after the 80s and the 90s were fucking dead There were no headliners that were selling tickets Okay, so when comedy started to come back up the clubs there was less clubs And so these comics so they could fucking keep the money down But now the dumb fucks they got greedy like they always do when they fucking start making money They start putting all these comedy clubs everywhere and then they go Oh, I got no fucking headliners And then that's when we've got the power and it was fucking dang cook that showed the way

You can say go fuck your wednesday and eat a dick on sunday. I'm doing no, you know what? I'm the I'll come in thursday for friday morning radio and that's it That's it and I'm back at home in LA Early I want to be around To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart as I

Somebody twice as smart as I I Somebody Will swear to be what you think you're dealing with lisa. Yeah, that motherfucker you used to do Jesus christ, huh? These chocolates are good. Fuck yeah, they're good. We can deal with it And you want me to tell you why the other reason I went to church was the other day. Why? Because it was the 36th

anniversary of the night That morning was the that morning Was the 36th anniversary of the day I got home steven villos called the show my friend steven villa. Mm-hmm a couple times that he had a party one night He had had a party In august that year and they put he had older brothers this kid steven villa. You never met a rafi. No great kid He's got a cover band called the past masters

And his they had a shed and when we were growing up His brothers were part of this crew and they fucking had parties not big drug parties They weren't drug parties. I remember my music and they they did crazy things like they would eat class and Fuck it. You know, I eat a mouse's head off So one day this is way before ours. This is 1979 my friend So summer 79 I went over that one day for a party and the only young kids that were invited to the party Were me a villa and this kid can't eat and at this party They took a garb they took a garbage can and they filled it up with everything they had

They put hawaiian punch in it and they took bees Remember he called and told the server that the brothers took bees I try not to think about eating bees. I put them in the fucking thing So and with ice and this stuff had like 150 one rub Oh, my god, it tastes the terrible. They're fucking they scoop it out. You had to do this It was in a garbage can and it had chokes of fruit And I'm back there smoking pot the next thing, you know, I'm getting woken up in Sinsulo's front yard. Anthony Sinsulo. He's in Dallas, Texas

And I'm getting woken up by ray on that star ray on that star was a cop from the neighborhood that would come down and play Basketball we on sunday, but he always wore colored socks and drove me crazy And at the end of the fight at the end of the basketball game, that was the argument ray You got to go home with your colored socks. How about I punch you in the mouth fucking you ray You're gonna punch me in the mouth. You're fucking 40. I'm fucking 10. What go fuck yourself, right? But ray was a cool motherfucking ray picked me up And he was cocoa. What happened? I don't know. I blacked out I got fucked up because come on. I drive you home and he knocked on the door of my mom answered

And she's like, what's going on? I go my I got fucked up. I fell asleep on Sinsulo's thing She goes go fucking sleep it off you idiot. She yelled at me This was like the end of august. This is the first time that's when parents were fucking parents and police for goddamn police Police, right? They didn't have to be fucking parents too, man. He was from the neighborhood. Am I right? I'll never forget that I was fucking hung over Oh, this was the first time ever that I was hung over so I got in like a 5 30 It was starting to the light was starting to come out 5 30 a sophomore and I want to be a sophomore

This is like two weeks before they put me in the hospital for a lung infection I'm fucked up. I'm not doing drugs though guys. I didn't do drugs. I was smoking pot and I was high I was I was I wasn't I wasn't a big drinker, but I drank a little of much I'll never forget that My mom could drink early dog and it was a sunday morning. So I got home like a five. I passed out About 10 o'clock in the morning. I could hear like ice cubes and shit. That's what I welcome to I could hear Cuban music And I heard a comment the stairs and she said oh, yeah, they want that that means wake up

I made breakfast a lunch And she had like a glass in those days towards the end She used to drink a bloody Mary with a heineken in it. Shit, right? What the fuck makes a bloody man with a heineken in it walking around your house and she was such a speck Like she was such a speck. She wouldn't even cut the celery She just fucking break it and put it in the drink and eat it while she was talking to me You know, but you have to appreciate this this and you can't write this you can't write this You know, you're supposed to cut the lettuce off the celery. Yeah, she was such a speck. She just ate it, right?

He just ate it. Fuck it. She would dip it. She loved tomato juice that v8. Oh, that's what she lived off of I still love that dude. I drink that like twice a week three times a week. So she wouldn't put Tabasco in her bloody Mary She put Frank's red sauce. Oh, not me. So anyway, she looks at me done I'm fucking I got a headache that's pounding And she goes oh, yeah, they're gonna see an aggro I cooked for you and then she goes She looked at me for like five minutes. She took a piece of her celery and she goes Now, you know what I feel like in the morning and she fucking walked out I'm never and that was like a prolific thing in my world. Like I never thought about it again. Okay

So it's august a fucking You got the best it's august a fucking whatever But she said it very poté patois I got you know what I'm feeling in the morning. Okay. This is how you want to live your life as you just walked out of your room Okay, so that's for real. Now. This is the end of august now. It's september october november I love you. I get invited to a halloween party. It's a saturday night. Fucking crazy What's your thing and make a chick yet?

Three days before this fucking party a girl pulls me aside. That's beautiful. She goes. Hey What do you think of this girl? I go, why do you ask? She goes she wants to get together with you You want her numb and I go sure but she had just broken up with a kid and even that 1979 I went up to the kid like a man And the kid was a tough kid and I went up to him and I said can I talk to you for a second? He already know I go, uh I know you're not with her anymore. Do you mind and he goes, you know what I like you but I do mind

I'm still in love with Just give it some air. Okay. Fuck you I just you know, but I that's how deep I was in 79 guys at 15 I already knew there's bound to reason you gotta be a man You gotta be respectful and that halloween night. We all dressed up like ghosts and we took a hit ass And we went to the gamio's garage And it was tremendous. It was tremendous at 11 o'clock I went to fucking meet her and some girl came and said she's not coming. You have to go get her

And I was like what and like the girl was hot and on the way walk In fact, timmy hollow way is her cousin. He's listening to this podcast Robin Thompson It was me and her robin thompson started walking her boyfriend glen zemnack was a man Already me me and robin were 15 Her boyfriend was a man. That's how hot this bitch was he was a fucking man This bitch didn't even date high school kids He got out of the car and thought we were leaving to get and started yelling that up

But I stuck up for her and you know, he was like, you know, I'll deal with you some other time And he you know, it was very nice to me that night. All this shit went down. I forgotten the whole thing I forgot to call home. That was the rule of the house. You got to fucking call home So saturday night was this night. It was a halloween party But it was the it was in those days In that year if you look at 79 map halloween was on a weekend me and ghetto boys a trick or treat No halloween robin little was like on a wednesday. So but the party was saturday Yeah, so it really it was like maybe or halloween was like monday and this party was on a saturday

That was like october 28. You like trick or treat like three times So what happened was I stayed there and also I realized it's three in the morning And I called home and my mom answered. She goes, what the fuck? And like listen, I'm up here, but there's no buses. It was once it was a trick but that so the but what was the date on the fucking saturday nightly The third No, the saturday before that 27th the 27th because she died on the eighth league So she died that wednesday after that not after the halloween 10 days after the halloween

So it was a week and a half. She died a week and a half later So she gave me the speech on a sunday night and she died november 8th. So look at it You follow me? You see how the car so that sunday she goes i'm on the couch What are you gonna do and I go, I don't know. She goes, we'll take a taxi home I go, I'm not gonna take a taxi home I got other buddies with me walking to walk home together And I'd done the acid and stuff and the hassle was coming down I was getting like the little jingles and shit. So something happened somebody took a ride downtown

But by this time we were talking it's 5 a.m. I'm not gonna call her back. She was already sleeping And I'll never forget that I fucking I mean my friends dropped me off. I had a ghost costume on And I walked up the fucking stairs and as I was putting the fucking key in the door dog. She opened it Grabbed me with one fucking hand and just smacked me across the face She hadn't smacked me in four years five years before that She had I was a big boy, you know, and she just that just wasn't a That just wasn't her m. Oh, you know to hit me She would say i'm gonna fucking kill you two years before that. She did light me on fire

With a bounty rose she pulled me out of carmine balsanos backyard So but she was passed she was passed And she slammed the door and she goes, let me tell you something She goes someday you're gonna be fucking married and you're gonna have a fucking wife And you better fucking call every hour on the hour. That's the deal in this house You could stay out all fucking night. Don't give a fuck what you do drinking with your stupid buddy. She went off But she goes All I want and i'm standing there going you just smack me in the fucking face hard

Like it was a hard smack to the face like it was still stinging And she's like, you know You fucking idiot, you know, what the fuck is wrong with you staying out till seven in the morning Get upstairs to your room. I don't even want to look at you and i'm always pissed I'm like I might even move out like that's it. I might even move the fuck out of this bitch Fuck this place. Fuck this place. Fuck you. No wonder your husband left you and the other one died Fuck you Holy shit, that was fucking real as it gets real

My father died at 37 and then one who was a killer left up because he hit him in the head with a fucking saint A fucking catholic saint Go ahead and loop me. No, no santa barbara the the hat the the man that with the sword Did he flick the cigarette and she fucking waited for him to fall asleep and she broke it over his head Nobody could deal with that. He didn't even know what to do. He was lost. He was in a deep sleep So that night I went to bed thinking you know after she got home from closing the bar Yeah, they came home together and they were talking and they were sitting like this He was sitting on a chair and something happened when she wanted a cigarette

And he took it and instead of handing it to her We were all school humans, right? You don't throw nothing in that house. No, that's real. That's fucking rude. He threw it at him I don't give a fuck. What is somebody flick to say give up. Can I have a cigarette like you say? It wasn't even dark It wasn't even lit. Can I have a sip of your water? Sure? It wasn't even lit through it in me It's the same fucking thing. It's rude. It wasn't even lit. It's fucking rude But my my mom's demented drunk head. It was a disrespect thing. So she waited for him to go to bed. She hit him in the head And he fucking left the next day. But so I'm walking up the stairs thinking that's I'm walking I'm walking up the stairs. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm walking up the stairs thinking, you know what?

I ain't I ain't tolerating this shit no more You know, I'm 15 and a half I get a job. I could live with the balsanos. That was my plan I don't need this shit people hit me I'm that one of the balsanos when I was working at Hasbrook Heights once. Yeah, Pete political Pete So the next morning she woke me up again and she's like, yeah, I cook something And she said, but let me tell you something. She was get up and like she got up. She like I was like, oh, fuck And she goes first off. I'm sorry for putting my hand on you. You're too old for me to be hitting you

But number two, she goes, I just want you to understand something All I want on this deal is for you to grow up and be a man That's it. I don't give a fuck how you do it I want you to grow up to be a man. Okay When you tell somebody you're gonna call them You call them and she kissed me in the cheek and she walked out and I didn't think much of it I didn't think much of it. I just sat there And I was like, you know, whatever a man. What the fuck is it? I am a fucking man

I was just sucking titties behind the high school last I'm a fucking man. I work last summer. I made 75 dollars a day, you know in my head And the morning, you know, whatever so 10 days later When I found her dead on the floor The first thought was like she's never gonna find that I got left back But the second thought was this is what she was saying. She gave me a she gave me a heads up That's all she wanted out of this for me to be a man. Whatever I knew in her world what that meant But I just wanted to celebrate that. I know that she liked churches

Yeah, my mom loved going to fucking pretty there was a church down the block in st. Patrick's Cathedral This isn't the 70s and 60s and every year on february 26 my mom would give the guy 100 And bring him a bottle of shivers and whatever flowers and they would set the casket up like a faith casket And my mom would do a fucking thing for my dad and she used to say I love her We used to go to churches just to fucking uh, look at churches Even though she was the man that she would go to churches then in the eighth and the sixth in the fifth grade I was 10 that's 1973 and that year something happened. The new york meds Went to the playoffs the nlcs playoffs against look it up. Lisa. I got against the citizen

Look up the new york meds against the citizen of your heads 1973 poor meds. This is how royals whipped their shit out of them They beat him Team specks and they did it right there and fucking I mean Fucking Spike Lee took his hat back off. Okay. Jerry Seinfeld was booing back to his billion dollars. Okay All right, so what does this say team from nowhere fucking no money royals. I'm so proud of them. God bless It's an american dream. It really is. It's a fucking american dream Whipped him whipped him to death at their house. What year was it 73 1973

New york meds in the Cincinnati Reds Tremendous october 6th to 10th and new york won the series three games to two But they lost the ace right pete rose beat the fuck out of butthouse in the second base It was tremendous when he was when he was uh, uh sliding in but that year my mom When I met my first community you were talking about. Oh, yeah, like really so what leave what what leave uh, did you So you went to jewish instruction when you were growing up. Yeah, all the time. What day it's saturdays. No, um It was wednesdays a lot Wednesdays and sundays sometimes. Hey, did you have the little?

No, thanks. Oh, thank you That would have been that way You should eat some pot cookies and say Lee if you did that, you know, I don't know I gotta grow those. Yes, you do How do you grow those? You just let it get just let it fucking go. What am I supposed to do pre Who gives a fuck? And no, make it be mutton chops. Listen, everybody think you're a hipster faggot. It'd be great You're not a model no more. What do you give a fuck what they think you got a girlfriend

Yeah, get you some mutton chops Lee Yeah, we'll get you some juwax you get some money on the sponsor. Oh, yeah, please juwax Yeah, and get you one of them moose stashes, too Yeah, it makes you look like one of them fucking evil villains like you got a bitch tied up on a drink track That's what you need, Lee. That would be the look Yeah, come on, Lee. You gotta do that. Come on. You got that stash. There's nowhere. That's my love That's your look. I and then shave your head and you'll be a circus strong man. Okay. That's what you'll be

You'll be such a strong man you I'm sorry. It's just cracking me up. I fucking mom that hash was fantastic I used to go to this fucking sacred heart school for boys And how they did What they did was you had a lineup 8th grade 7th grade 6th grade So to go to church there was this bell and you had to ring the bell So sister Anna would go all right 8th grade and she'd ring the bell and you go in well my mom used to eyeball that bell

Because it was made from copper and I had a wooden handle And the Cuban big saint in Cuba Which is october 6th. Like I got it out of the goal She's you're supposed to have a copper bell And if you want money you have to ring that bell So my mom went there on the way home. She's like just just get close to me my mom shop lifted the fucking bell And she would take it to the mech games And ring that fucking bell so in the back of her mind that bell was everything that bell was what was bringing her luck

Every time I'd see if she'd give me a kiss and go you're a genius that church is bringing me good luck with the fucking bell The meds keep winning the which he stole from the church is bringing me the lord That's amazing. So every time the meds would play at home She'd bring the bell and if she went to a mech game She'd take the bell and put it in her purse and she'd ring the bell at the mech game This is true fucking story. This is how crazy was what I came from. Oh, man I know you don't have all this time, but have you thought about like trying to go back to 1973 med game like video And see if you hear the bell

That'd be crazy. You're blowing my fucking mind. You're blowing my fuck. I would I couldn't I couldn't no no no no I couldn't I couldn't do it. You would hear it too. You would hear it going rusty stop She would throw chicken wings when he'd run back She hated rusty stop. So she was on this side No, my bone got by loud. It's like I'm bad I mean she She hated them to the point She told me she told me to the point like the usher would go denora. What do you want to sit?

You know, do you want to sit in right field? And I think rusty where rusty stop play 73 Mets was it 73? Whoever rusty said they had a horrible. I think it was rusty stop enjoyed theodora Had to hit the cutoff he was right fielder. Yeah, he always had to hit the cutoff That was the story on the guy with when the my my So she's Oh my god, that's the best. Here's the deal new york. The guy would go denora. I got side on right field only So he would have to run pastor

He would have to run pastor If she would sit there and he ran pastor She would lose her mind. She would go ballistic all eight times. He run. Oh, yeah She's fucking yelling in spanish and then if she was close to them, she'd throw chicken wings to them. Oh, yeah So when the guy would ask her, where do you want to sit and say he'd say like, what do you want to sit? My mom would go Oh I don't like that. Fuck you dude. So she would sit on the other side. Who was the left fielder

Last day had Wayne garrad on third so she was in love with Wayne garrad Wayne garrad took his dick out. My mom would jump the fence and suck his dick and tom seeb at the same time Okay, your mom's got heart. Give me the team By the way, uh this friday, I'll be at the club no kia here in los angeles If you're a church member, please come in. I'd love you. I'd love to see you live I get to do i'm gonna do about two hours and blow your fucking minds Come on, baby. What's the team? Who was the left fielder then and who was the fucking third baseman?

All right, you wanted the left fielder was cleon jones. Cleon jones and who was the third baseman? town Wayne garrad, yeah bad motherfucker dog He reminds me of david right the hot corner. They used to call it and my mother loved Wayne garrad so she could tolerate clang And my mother used to call cleon jones la cleon Bama by la la cleon Because he was black so my mom would clap and Wayne garrad. She liked Wayne garrad But if you put him here inside

She'd be torn meant to the whole game with with rusty stuff She'd turn and look at me at the debacle. I only want to look at this motherfucker. I got to sit there and look at this motherfucker so An era she lost like ten thousand dollars one time because he dropped the ball and that was it That's it. My mother's world or was it because I heard no he did something stupid He couldn't hit he couldn't throw it to first base. He had to hit the cutoff I don't know what he did to my mother. My mom just didn't like him So my mom if she sat on the right side, not only would she ring the bell for the match

But then she put voodoo on rest. He stopped at the same time All right, so that year Bro, listen to me like a fucking match beat the reds, right? Uh, sure. No fucking look. I'm wondering. Jesus christ. Yeah, they won three Right. Yeah, that's one of the three. Do you understand what? That was For the fucking match to beat the reds. The reds were beginning a dynasty. That was the big red machine That was the big red machine. Now, you know what happened Lee shit, you know what happened

My mother when they went to the world series My mother put I remember I was still going to save at heart school for boys I still remember that playing his day because my mom had that belt And if listen, this is you this is even gonna get creepy This is even gonna get creepier not only do you The school you go in on sundays And you come home on thursdays. Here's where it really gets creepy. Lee go even deeper See what day the world series was on the game that the

That what was the series when the oakland days beat the the match 1973 world series The 1972 world series look at the day they clinched. So this is really gonna knock your motherfuckers out. Okay. Oh my god See if it was a sunday The day they won that game the oakland days beat the match game six was on a sunday. Was it six games? Seven games. Okay, uh sunday october 24. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with gentlemen? So listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. I still remember I still remember I still remember

What's his name catching the ball and my mother looking over at me and going Let's go. We're going back to that fucking school And on the way her like playing she wouldn't even look at that fucking bell. So for the last three months All she does is she loves this bell. She put the bell down at night and let it candle next to it She cut the chicken heads and fed it She did the whole thing She give the blessings the day the match lost She personally got in the car because usually she'd go to the bar

And my stepdad or one of my mom's friends would drive me and we'd all go out to dinner as a family And then my mom would go to the bar because you'd have to be there till five No, three if you were working the bingo on sunday My mom personally drove me to the fucking school got me out. I could see she was agitated the whole time And the middle of the agitation she gave me a hug and she goes do me a favor Get this fucking kiss a bad kiss a dead bell away from me, right? Like why ain't touching that fucking thing they've been looking for that bell for three months They've been doing searches with dogs for that fucking bell

Oh my god, and I go you put the fucking bell back you robbed it Here we are in front of the church the nuns are 10 feet 10 I'm fucking 10 and my mom's telling me go put this but I don't ever want to see that fucking bell again I don't want to see that I don't want to see that bell and I don't want to see rusty stop As long as I live I swear to god. I don't know what I hit my mom used to get superstitious against certain things Okay, so now the bell had carried her throughout the whole baseball not only that the bell helped The Mets beat the Cincinnati Reds, which at that time were royalty. Yeah, okay Now because they lost in game six or in game seven the bell was bad luck

She didn't want it in the fucking out take this fucking bell out of here. Like I said, she personally How much do you think she lost on that bet? Because you know she bet the shit out of the 50,000 Jesus I hate that motherfucker too my mother I've burned that bell my mother had a uh a gambling problem What women today think with those slot machines? My mom made you look like a fucking my mom was a a betting baseball sports. No just baseball baseball and horses And that's the horses will kill you it's every day. You can't do anything every day in life

She lost everything because of her baseball betting Everything and her teams were betting baseball for the Red Sox At that time which and they were hot then those are one of great. So this whole last week Was really a more, you know, I watched the fucking MET games. I watched them. Did I cheer for them? I gotta tell you something I was cheering for them up to when they went to Shea Stadium the first night And when I saw them singing and bring me a song you're a shadow man, whatever that billy joe thing That was it for me. I was disgusted to I have never been that this that's not the new york. I left

They were hugging each other and they were singing Sing me a song you're a piano man and billy joe was in the top acting like a jerk off That stuff drives me crazy dawg. That's a baseball field. You're supposed to go and throw things And ring bells and yell obscenities and shit. They've created into something else. That's what pissed me off about though That's why I got so mad. I might say you sang for two nights or something when they're getting beat up in Shea No, that's why I kept tweeting last night. Didn't you see what I was tweeting last night? Where's fucking billy joe get him singing that's the night day one the night that he fucking sang that song Now they're losing where's billy fucking joe when you need him

Where the fuck is that cock sucker? That's what I was pissed off Kansas City, let me tell you what song what Kansas City played Kansas City played What my man brad pit was trying to sell money ball money ball is and you know why did you did you watch the series? Fuck yeah, I didn't watch and I was disgusted with him. Are you serious because I even watched that piece of shit Monday night game Did you watch that fucking football game? That was hot garbage. What would you watch it? I was here He was here. Let me tell you something. You know this

You got a fucking nine foot tv behind you. No, he don't like he said you don't watch no, this is I love the world series That's america. What were you doing? Were you playing some shit? He was here working? No, he was here working He was here working one of those screens had one of them fact shooting games No, no, no, he wasn't he was shooting somebody He knows fucking is really in belarus right now and they're both cussing out dirty. He knows he knows he can't I know he was googling his fucking cousins. All right low. Whoa. Listen. Yeah, did you notice what kansas city did? And I love that I hate when people forget about

The game small ball small ball lee they stole bases They stole I love when people steal they put pressure you really want to fuck with a motherfucker And if you look at the Cincinnati reds a big red machine That's all they did their job And next time classic baseball the Cincinnati reds play you sit there. You watch that whole game and you're gonna go. Oh my god Nobody had more than 15 home runs Eric foster small ball small ball The main job they did hit was single get a single and stealing singles is something that's forgotten about

You know, do you know that's why ricky ricky henderson played baseball so long and for so many teams Because think about it. He played for the red sox. He played for everybody ricky hennie played for everybody. Listen Ricky was goofball dumb, but he was one of the greatest baseball players to ever get behind All right This guy if you've got a pitcher and he is out out of business at 96 pitches And ricky gets on base with a bunt or a fucking single or walk sometimes he gets on there He jumps out that guy's left to throw over there three or four times He's gonna wear out his arm

They're gonna have to bring that middle reliever that's a piece of shit that hadn't worked in eight days And and then the fucking they have to go through three closures. So what do they do the next day ricky henderson blows out their next guy That's what genius small ball is and that's what they did man. They play fucking great baseball, man They play great baseball Beautiful college all Cincinnati red games The leadoff was always joe morgan And he always stole And once he stole once geronimo came on those fucking indians those geronimos there they go crazy

And they had like three people who would steal on you. Pete rose would steal in your ass You know and pete rose wasn't a thief but he just you know It just gorilla you and if you watch so there was a game I watched a small space baseball maybe eight years ago that they actually showed the fucking pitcher Just going like I don't want to deal with this ever again. This was not baseball. This was torture Because it's small ball. It's slow torture every pitch something happens. There's always something happening every time you let that ball go It's either a single a bunt or this motherfucker stealing that's torture on a pitcher He can't focus duck you lose your concentration. It's fucking crazy. And then and that's well, I used to love baseball

I used to know I know everything about the red sox There's 162 games Before the postseason. I don't have time To watch all those games. It's like I don't know well not every one of them But watch one of each series and feel like a fan, you know You know what I mean? I like the houston astros. I I started stand up there in 90 I I loved them. I mean john westling I uh, we went for a foul ball and a kid little kid was going for a foul ball

We were stoned out of our balls and instead of me squashing that kid for that fucking foul ball I broke the seat Okay, and the kids got the ball and everybody's cheering and we're on the big screen and i'm holding that chair together Motherfucker. I got that just got my left hand holding the chair up Okay, and john's laughing. He goes you break that chair I go this motherfucking chair is done. I broke that acid dome and been there 30 fucking years And I fucked that chair up. We got up. It fell to four pieces You gotta swear to god get john. He wasn't on the phone. That is so fucking funny. Oh my god

You broke a couple of things. Cucksack I broke it a lot of shit I broke it a lot of shit. I used to break lawn chairs lawn chairs did not work with me Remember the Pittsburgh funny bone? Yeah the home of creepo that used to have naked women pictures all around the bar Yeah, right? I hated I always used to hate. Oh Dad, I hate lawn chairs dog. Yeah, there's the chair you have on your balcony I I never knew why you had that goddamn chair. I broke one and you broke one Well, I broke I was like pushing the jar and then you came and just talked to a mentor

A fat guy. This is the worst chair When you shot your pilot for vh1, didn't I break a chair? Yes. Yes Something happened. I broke a chair. Yeah, you broke a chair. It was awesome For a long time, I was breaking fucking shit. Oh my god. It was so fucking funny I love when a chair broke. One time would sleep at near a chair broke in Miami. Dude, dude, you broke Gavin's toilet Remember you were in there And you just sat down to our and you broke that fucking toilet and and then you made the slow creep I

Water came out and playing Gavin and Gavin got out of his because you were sleeping in my mouth You're like, fuck him. I'm going in here. I broke Gavin's fucking futon That was classic. I heard that thing snapping eight ways When you're a fat fuck you break shit sometimes without even knowing it's the most embarrassing thing Living like a fat fuck. So you break a ton of shit It's a hundred shit clothes. I've ripped clothes I remember one time I got somebody's things. I remember one time in somebody's car in a Jeep They had I went to get the handle and I went to pull up and have to fucking

Oh man, stop being a fat motherfucker, man Ain't nothing easy. Let me do some shout outs and get the fuck out of here. I like to thank mac Mike and mary johnson at unique bows. Thank you very much for the bows. We put them on a Little hair for halloween. Thank you for listening rusty shackleford Dead squad Dallas and the rest of you crazy guys, man Sandman Benito Munoz Sean cappuccino Jimmy carol and girk brooks. You know, I know who's watching is my man D in colorado. Who's a cool motherfucker

I know D in colorado. Hey that motherfucker. He's got we 15 foot tall 15 Dude, he's a great guy, man. That guy's cut from rare. I just talked to him on twitter a couple days ago. He's a good Yeah, he's a good dude, man. He's a good dude. I like that. You have to do that. What's up with you? Tarzan We're going to kettle bells tomorrow. Oh, yeah, you stand for you. Just so we're gonna bust it. We're going What the fuck sounds gonna kill us. Let's do it. Let's fucking go. I got shit. I'm gonna shit on I got to take headshots on Wednesday stupid. Yeah, I'm going in and out All right, you

Fuckers won't get real. Okay. We're three fat guys. You're gonna talk about workout sessions now We've been talking about Fucking ass I just thought about it. I'm gonna fuck it. I just like buy better bed motherfucker. That's what I did Fuck it. Fuck breaking them by the best, bro. He wants me to flip over my back. I can't do it I've never in my life been able to do it. He's like, oh, just do it. I'm like, can't what's never gonna happen Who cares the fuck you go then you do the best you can don't worry about doing nothing. Oh, you can't do something Oh my god. No, I know. I'm just easy. Okay. Yeah, the top. I can't believe I can join this conversation

But I can actually and be relevant. Holy shit. Okay. I've been trying to Limber up and and like because traveling so much it hurts And so my doctor as part of I broke my wrist is said, you know as part of my physical therapy go to yoga Okay, so I'm having this one-on-one with his yoga structure. Okay. I am I'm going down and I got my leg spread as far as I can and the fucking yoga mat split in the middle And my balls hit the fucking floor and I almost passed the fuck out My my fucking thighs have been killing me for three weeks. Dude. I swear to god I did the full splits like I was trying to block a goal. It was the worst

Oh my god, dude. I think I ripped my groin muscles all this shit I ripped that yoga mat right down the fucking middle. Go count You're the first person I have said that too because it's so embarrassing But those fuckers will rip if you get fucking four fifties splitting it. Oh jack. I busted my ass The fuck I said, it took me so long to be able to get up. I didn't even know what to do The instructor just pushed me back on my back And it eased up and oh my god, one of the worst things that ever happened to me was when I drowned at the YMCA that time That's the title of your book. Oh my god

As a fat guy that was never More embarrassed in my fucking life, man I've done some fucked up shit as a fat guy And I don't you know, you get embarrassed about being fat. You can't fat shame But the time I almost drowned at the wildly Fuck me up. I didn't say nothing for like two months. I didn't say none I just snorted coke and tried to hide it and shit That was embarrassing though. I was just starting to lose weight

Things were going gray for me. I lost like eight pounds. I was still snorting blow. I was doing big blow And I fucking got up one morning and terry went to work and I overslept And I said fucking I gotta swim And I went over to the wine the wine is back. I used to go to the fat man pool It's this little russian pool Right, it was like four feet, but it was 96 degrees So it's like a therapeutic pool and I would walk around and then if there was nobody in that would do laps And then you could it's short laps and nobody would see you if you go to the big pool leave his kids

And people see you and there's lifeguards. I was still too embarrassed I'm not going to be a fat guy who wears a t-shirt in the pool. No, but I am I'm a hot mess You don't want to see me. I keep all this. I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna go in there without a t-shirt Lee I was 400 pounds There was fat everywhere, Lee And I'd sit in the sauna and I'd make me like I was losing weight in the sauna Then I go in the steam bath. Then I jump in the pool and I do this every morning at 5 a.m I did this to start off, but I was still snorting blows. So in my mind if I ate sushi

And I went to the steam room. I would sweat the cocaine out. I wasn't a fiend no more So now it's 2 in the afternoon Lee. I go across the street to the Y I'm still a little hungover on the blow and the fucking steam pool is packed Where with kids jumping up and down And I'm like I can't do my fucking laps, but the adult pool the lap pool Was wide open Oh, shit I go fuck this. I swear when I lived in Boulder

I've been swimming for three weeks. I'm ready for the big fucking pool. Why am I swimming with these fucking fat fucks for? I wonder where I put my name on the blackboard guys. I put my goggles in And on the deep end I jump Just the cold water hitting me, bro It just shocked my body just shocked my fat little body And then I'm trying to swim. I'm swimming. I'm putting everything I can I'm turning my head I'm remembering my form And I look up Lee and I haven't even moved like five feet. I'm fucking sideways

But by this time I'm out of air Like I was smoking two or three packs of cigarettes a day. I'm dying I'm 10 feet out But I can't swim back and my feet can't take it So I'm just holding on to the rope and people are swimming by me. They're going come on Let go of the rope. Come on swim and I'm like guys. I'm dying I'm trying to get to the shortest distance was this way If I swam vertically to the fucking wall, I'd never make it

So I had to swim this way. So I pulled myself like spider-man throughout the room And I get to the wall and I'm huffing and puffing guys. I mean guys guys. I was fucked up Seriously, that's when I realized this has to end and I'm holding on to this and I can't kick no more And I'm out of oxygen and I'm holding on and I got my fucking chin on the ding just holding me And some kids are like mr. Mr. Are you okay? And I'm like, no, I'm not okay. Help me No, I come on pull them out and all these little kids get the guys little Mexican kids And they're trying to pull me out and they can't pull me out They're like one two three pull and they're pulling I'm like and I'm turning purplely

I mean Lee I'm not breathing. I'm I don't even know about breathing through my nose. I'm starting to panic People are starting to circle and look around And these little kids can't pull me on they're like fuck it ring the buzzer and they ring this buzzer And also this chick gets on the thing and she turns This thing around and they're actually gonna make me Listen to this. They couldn't get me out. So they were gonna fucking drop our hoist Into the pool and they wanted me to swim into it and then they were gonna pull me out

Like a fucking whale like orca And by this time there's 50 people watching me You have any idea Lee how embarrassed and that is I got tits to buy my stomach Lee I'm purple and they're like swim to the middle There must be sex Get to the middle get to the middle and go in and we'll drop the hoist And the hoist will pull you out and then we'll bring you to the side Lee by that point. I'm so fucking embarrassed

And now out of the corner of my eye. I see ambulance tech workers Running in with a fucking mattress like I got shot in vietnam And something made me put my fat little foot over I just went oh And my fat foot got over dog Oh my god, that thigh must have weighed a thousand pounds And I fucking pulled myself up and I rolled on like orca. I just rolled down to the pool I got up and I got up right in time as I went through the fucking door the three ambulance workers are running in

They're like, where is he like that's him and I just walked right past them dog There's rule number one. Don't stop and don't sign nothing. You don't need to get checked out mind your business You're fine. You know as long as you get to your car. I gotta be honest with you I think there's a thing called secondary drowning. Look it up, Lee It happens You just take a little bit of air I mean a little bit of water in your nose and it gets down your actual windpipe and it can be a very small amount You don't have to have this deep lung

Thing it's a secondary drowning. Look it up. Lee explain it I believe that's what it is. That's what I thought you have because I swim all the time man You know, we belong to that tennis club. I keep on inviting you to come up there like we're white people And let's have a goddamn party. Okay. You're in town eight days of fucking years. I'm calling that out. Let's go When tomorrow, I can't go tomorrow All right next summer No next summer. Stop. Stop. Come on. We got the whole holidays. You're a fucking man. We got the holidays coming Excuse me, I'm trying. I'm trying. I got okay. If you could see him's in me. All right. Uh, trust me

I got problems. Okay. We all got fucking. Yeah, I'm fucking jay-z over here. I but I got a hundred All right, we all got problems word of that But you know what she's fucking being so great. It's like it's so Like freeing for both of us and I still love her. I'm in love with her I love my babies and that's why you know, this wasn't an acid trip night You know what I mean? It could have been but it just simply wasn't I got real shit to do tomorrow you know, I got I've got two beautiful babies love their daddy and I've been getting so much bullshit

You know about the me and the wife filing for divorce truth was she was just responding. They only check la records She was already Had had I had filed on her like 10 days before Okay, and and uh, so there was going to be this big jurisdictional battle then my lawyer in Tennessee goes, you know You're going to spend about a hundred and fifty thousand dollars just fighting over what state we're going to have the divorce in Okay, not counting my money. All right. I was supposed to write a retainer tomorrow If she wanted to go to war for like

$50,000. Okay, it's retarded. All right, and we're just being cool. It's like my babies I always want them supported. My wife will never want for anything. She'll have the house that she designed Okay, and she can be free and an unmissable person to fucking live with not that I'm a fat piece of shit Is I'm work all the fucking time I'm always and I've got babies that have to be in school But since the ship broke on the internet, man, they're fucking they had people taking pictures of my kids, man It's like motherfucker. Um, I'm the guy You know what I mean? It's like I'm the guy behind the microphone. You know, those are my babies And they're just being fucking dicks. You know, I couldn't even go hardly trick or treating with them

But people all fucking up in my business who I never even knew I wanted to slap so many motherfuckers I just I couldn't take it. I just sat down because everybody knows my fucking business But they also know my babies and they go, yeah their parents, you know And everybody up there is either swinging fucking divorce Fucking somebody else are doing coke. You know, there ain't no innocent ones over there, but they're throwing stones But man, they're coming Let me ask you a question. Yeah, you told me a story that was fucking hysterical I didn't understand it because you're a funny fucking dude

Whatever's going on in your life right now, Ralphie With your children the people from the church. We love you. I know we got your back We want you to know one thing the wars ain't easy. There's two ways you could do this You want to do this with shotguns and Jews? No, or you want to do this? And that's the way you gotta do it because you have a career And you want peace of mind You want peace of mind in love with her? Listen, man, sometimes Sometimes people try I'm thinking about this Rosslin. What I didn't know. I don't know anything guys. I don't know anything

I just found out that these people broke up and she's dating a new dude. Who what is this happen? How does this happen to sing her from no doubt? She's going to funny. Yeah, she's dating the judge from fucking the show or something He broke up with his wife and she broke up with her husband after 14 fucking years And they had like a thing today like Uh, that's like Shelton guy. Yeah. Yeah, you know, listen, man people in life sometimes don't get I pray every day That Terry stays in love with in love with me And I keep it together with her

I pray every day because I know how quick it could go And the longer you're with a person the harder it fucking is and when you have children, it's even fucking harder So there's two ways to do a divorce. You could either a go to war a war or b Take a fucking few lumps in the head, but you're gonna take anyway That's all you're gonna take anyway. I've taken that my whole life But ain't no big deal either 10 people could hold you down and put a big black dick in your ass Or you could just take a fucking white flag Get naked put it on your back turn around lube your own asshole and let them do what the fuck you gotta do, okay?

You know what a dick in the ass hurts both ways, but I'll tell you what it hurts more if you clench it up She did anything wrong. She didn't do nothing wrong. And you know what? Um, she did help me in my career. You know, the truth is when I got last comic standing Okay, jaymore dickhead called me on thursday. He go, hey, I need you for an audition I was in hawaii working at the lab factory and he said uh come back I need you here on saturday and I looked online the cheapest ticket for round trip Because this is still had to finish at the end of hawaii. There's nobody on that fucking island who could have done it all right, and so I had to come back and

and uh, I the the ticket was like $1,100 You know and I that was that was two months rent man. That's real fucking shit like for not for a maybe for a big fucking maybe and And I rolled the dice and I couldn't afford it Lana had a credit card that her mama gave her for insurance and she put it out on there And that's what launched my whole career. So does she get half? Yes, motherfucker. She gets half Okay, and she should get more than half. She's gonna be drawing a salary from my place

She's gonna be getting out of them on her like a regular white people because we're you know, you're jews. You got to respect All right, my babies already have big things set up for them. They'll never want for anything. They'll never have What what I went through, you know, and it's like that's what you want. That's but now they're coming It's just so irritating. It's like, you know, they're just dumb these motherfuckers You know the internet is a good thing and a bad thing. Yeah, right the internet is a good thing and a bad thing You know, I use the internet for certain things. I see people use it for other things and that's fine That's what the internet is. It's your expression But sometimes if you open up your life on the on the internet

The result isn't going to be good. It's happening to me. It's bad. Yeah, but in this situation or divorce and stuff Who knows, you know, all you never to happen yet. Keep doing what you're doing. Yeah, try to put the pieces together Try Be a father. That's this Listen the divorce in my life had to be tougher than a prison sentence I lost a child in the divorce. I lost dignity in the divorce and till this day

I have animosity I haven't I know that I'm like Michael Douglas and What's the movie when he just snapped on the 405? Walking tall standing tall when he started shooting people. Yeah Last straw when I saw that movie that movie really scared me Why you ever see that movie where he goes nuts on the 405? Yeah, he's lost his child And the drug dealer goes to mug him and all of a sudden he shoots him. He goes, you want my briefcase? He's pretty funny in there and now Duvall is looking for him. It's a it's a cliche type movie

But I always saw that happening to me with my ex-wife That's how bad of a divorce that what I forgave my stepfather Till this day, I talked to old school humans and they always say fuck him He never gave you what was coming to you. You know what? So I gotta go get what was coming to me. That was my frame of thought back then. He didn't give me my mother's money What do you want me to do? I'm gonna shoot him for three years. I lived with that I was preparing to hide under a car and grab his foot and shoot him Where's his money now? So I shoot him and kill him. How am I gonna get his money now?

So I had a terrible idea And I hated them for fucking years and one day I go what this is the guy that raised me Would you give me $300,000? What was I going to do with it? Was I going to invest? Was I going to buy a building? No, I was dead. I was gonna buy a coca plant. Awesome. Fuck. Yeah So in a way he saved my fucking life, you know So I forgave him over the years and I forgave him that was it when he died I didn't go to the funeral. I sent flowers and I went to see his wife and then she died But I let it go. I let it go. I gotta tell you something

Yeah, I don't have any anger. I don't have but I have right now, you know, no, I know I don't care I'm gonna send out the numbers. I know I just love them babies. I have to get another place here and I hate it out here Listen has none doing numbers Okay There's there's levels of a divorce when she walked out of the house. She goes listen I'm just gonna be a mile up the road. You come over anytime you want. Let me just get some space And I was cool with that. I'm like looking at it going This is a dream come true. I could work on comedy

I wanted to be a fucking comedian. I just got out of prison I was doing and doing the working stiff stuff and I go fuck it I want to do fucking comedy And all of a sudden it went from one thing to another. I hope it doesn't go that way I hope you handle it. No maturely. I love my babies. I love my wife. I hope that The attorneys don't get a hold of this and turn it into something else I hope that because that's when I get that's what happened with me. Yeah Once attorney's getting illegal and once the fine print. There's a fine print

And once that fine print comes out lisa yet, they know coming back and that fine print has to exist It has to exist the law says it has to exist and sometimes that Hurts, you know So, you know, you have our love. You have my love always. I call you every day hang up I send you videos of a little Spanish guys You gotta knock it out. You know, I'm the real deal. I'm the real deal. I've been through a divorce. I've been through a separation Guys, it is brutal. I always advise people if you keep it together Keep together. Well, no, I disagree. But if there's no love, there's no love. No, there's no love. There's no love

You have love. No, no, we both have so much love for each other. But it's like here's the real deal. Okay I Have really fucking bad ptsd and and now I'm properly medicated by Probably the best. He's the head of psychiatry at Vanderbilt. He's fucking amazing. He's got me chemically dialed in I sleep eight hours. I'm up. I don't take naps. I walk. I feel great He's done it all. He's fucking amazing. All right, but before I got properly medicated I was a fucking Nutt and a complete asshole. Okay, it you know what you do after two years

I'm sure about my house with the with the Elvis glasses. You started to worry me that day What question did you have over that? It's not a question But it was just my my parents got divorced when I was in high school And I actually had a wish they got divorced earlier like they said like we stayed together because of the kids I even back then even back then I thought it would be better just to have like a just a tough dude. This is uh You know, listen, man, I don't feel great now. Let's get some let's get let's get something on here Last comic standing is a great show

And uh, and it shows a lot of comics to the country and a lot of vice versa I don't even know what the fuck i'm saying when Ralphie Was on last comic standing. He was already a brilliant headline Ralphie was already had a lot of people paying tickets to go see him. I mean, this just accelerated The program where now these kids become somebody Ralphie may was already somebody You you follow me Ralphie may was already somebody It

Went from one thing to one thing Ralphie. I judged it. I was there. I was there when we were when you when you were You know cooking for us with no money and all of a sudden next to you know We're sitting on mulesha boulevard with a jar of weed in the living room and people just sticking their hands and Taking weed to go and he knew it. He didn't give a fuck take it. That's what showing around smoke the fucking whole thing Yeah, I mean every time he'd see me give me 200 bucks To do what you do It's hard On a person never mind on a marriage

Yeah, this has been a journey for you and you've learned and now I hope that you keep it together. I hope you find a way that much more peace in my life I've got so much less stress and less anxiety I I don't have nightmares every night No, you have the ptsd from spelled binders when you feel no, no, no, that's hilarious You see the bottle That was 12k show your mouth cocksucker. That was a good angle. All right. I broke my fucking ball But hey, I fucking got 12k out of it work to the mother

No, it's when I had my lateral double pneumonia and a pulmonary embolism and I had to stay awake for nine days Because if they said if I couldn't help my lungs expand I would die and I had the blood clot was so big that Because I had pneumonia and I had broken two ribs From coughing and that's what caused the blood clot to go right. It was right here and They said that a radiologist was going to come in at 7am and enter this This vein and go into that and find it right there by the lung and he goes you have to be awake

We can't give you any anesthesia and it's inside you. It's it's it fucking it fucking hurts in there, man All right, he and and uh, uh that that they're gonna you got a five percent chance to live it Okay, if it if it if it fucking if it blows the clot out Okay, you you fucking live and if not you'll bleed out in your brain You have a stroke. Good luck. Hey sleep tight. Boom Motherfucker I was fucked up deck that fucking snap that snaps your fucking head Dude, and so what I've been doing. I've been doing like a lot of ptsd groups. Okay, and they're always like, what the fuck are you doing here?

And I'm like look here cocksucker Uh, I'm just as fucked up as you are and let's get to the real deal. Let's talk about some shit Or like you even know about what I mean, you have many times I've gone overseas for the fucking military like 19 I'm in a 44 forward operating basis in multiple four zones. Okay, by the way, afghanistan this time of year It's fucking beautiful. All the telebands turbines change colors It's like those dirty motherfucking little hey reds and yellows. It's beautiful. Okay, but I've been there and then they start getting real Dude, I remember and those guys get real it gets real real, you know, I mean, it's like I know it sounds stupid, right? But you absolutely

And we'll end this podcast in a couple minutes, but I gotta tell you something it's uh I'm 52 man. I've had a great life. I laugh. I love Thinking of being upset and then laughing. I live to laugh people I know sometimes I come across as a prick. I love giggling and I love laughing I have a lot of regrets in my life. I did a lot of fucked up things. I was talking about my godfather before One of the biggest regrets I have that we didn't have the money to do a graphy What a mistake that What a mistake that we could go back and rewire

That apartment with a camera. Oh my god, we would have a show and I'm telling you that would have been the all-time It would be hbos all-time greatest comedy show and you can't and you know what I'm sitting across from rafi I'm listening to the story and I'm like I can't even go to hbo. Like I'm I'm telling them I'm taking a rafi narrating a show about adventures of a fat guy And just even though that's up the tube when you fell that time. Oh falling on gardener. Listen, I'm sitting across from you And I'm thinking not even gardener the thing you were telling me about that. He's going on. You don't understand This chick. He's this chick is living in his house

Before we're talking about the story. Here's three guys trying to fuck the same chick It's miserable. I'm the only one not trying to fuck her But we you wanted to fuck if your face fell into that asshole It wouldn't be So something happened they're having an argument you cannot write this lisa. Yeah, this is an apartment that's living on Whatever rafi society. I'm living off rafi. I got a little bit of coke in my pocket rafi's making buddy Is Bloody marries and we're going over it. We're hitting this every night

Red everybody knew that at two in the morning after the county store party was in my apartment the red devil ricky cruz Babalu babalu, you know, and we just talked to produce somebody would have a joint somebody wouldn't have a joint But this one night it was just me that we always had we were drinking bloody marries and we're giggling Jody says something to rafi to piss him off and there was a big japanese lamp in the kitchen All right, and fuck oh he sits down and she pisses him off And he sits in the position and something happened at the light got a little lower and he's Fucking saying shit to her with his face red, right? He's like fuck you. This is my house Don't you ever talk to me like this. This is my fucking house. He believed this cocoa

She's my guest and she's talking to me like this. This is my vodka something and he in the middle of his rage He's like ah and he stops because the light bulb is burning his head You can't write that you cannot write that that's inspect the cruz old type shit You busted that toilet in your house don't You fucked up Stop stop you and you also Shit and gave a shower and then puts it down with your toe motherfucker. Okay. I know the real you All right, you can bullshit with these other faggots, but i'm bona fide. Okay. I was there at the beginning. Okay. I was

Lighting the bum on fire Eating people's pussy if that apartment building had a fucking camera We would be I tell the story that I brought shamer there and she was giving these people a drug dealers wanted to fuck shamer Oh, so I left the downstairs and Gavin's apartment Yeah, me and he in it. Oh, she's dancing and she's dancing telling the spn stories Now I come back at five and there's one guy doing horrible impressions. Yeah Oh my god, remember the horrible impressions. Oh my god

She's all coked out. I'm still oh my god, and this dizzy bitch like breaks out into like You have no idea Shut up, bitch dance take them titties out. Okay. That's what you told her Did you remember that? You fucking told her goes. Yeah, whatever bitch take them titties out I loved her. I always loved her. I still talk to when I go to vegas. Oh, is she in vegas now? That's awesome. She is so cool. She opens for everybody. She got a little gig. She's a dude I bet she's making a fucking bitch. She's 45. She dances in a cage at a lesbian bar

Like she's like 26. Yeah, she's 20. She dances at a fucking lesbian bar, but she keeps marrying gay guys by mistake What you hooked up with that dude in alaska? I had to do this. What listen to me about 15 years ago I got to do this. She made a gig Listen to me. I had to do this gig in alaska one time It took charlie's and at one of those for one of those people and I canceled I got like the stupid tv show or something for mbc and I had to cancel and she went up there and met a uh, a go-go dance like a A male dancer and they fell in love and she put

And she put his name on her little pussy. Oh, and then they moved back to la and they were in love Man, that's he was like he was like unemployed But he always came up with a little bit of money and she was dating him for like two years They were in love and then one day She went in his email and she saw an email from Old dudes that would he would go to their house in the afternoon and put like a bikini and he would dance for old dudes And he would get like 50 bucks and do met So she threw a mountain and she was heartbroken because she always makes fucked up choices

I've told this story before Somebody tells me this is the this is the name of the guy that she's got on her pussy This guy is a go-go dancer for old dudes and he's smoking meth. So she throws them Holy she throws them out. I hear about this about a month later No I Bump into her and she says to me, how are you doing? We're going back and forth

and I go, hey And I knew but I don't know what the guy's name was, but you know me don't know. So how's mark doing and she gets kind of sad She goes, I'm not with mark anymore That's a shame. I go listen. I know this old dude I You know what you know what shea, but you got to give it up to her She is a clean up of a ball buster. She will give it, but she will fucking take it I tell you what she takes it better than a lot of fucking

If I grow man, she's always that boy. She came up. She's fucking funny. She came up at the commie So she came up at a fucking comedy club. Her mother's a biker. Her mother's Gemma Did you know that her mother's like Gemma? She was telling me stories showing me pictures one time in the house. Her mother's like Gemma And she's half Arab I didn't know that. Yeah, she's Arabian. She's like a Iranian she's beautiful. I tell you if you look at her eyes, you think that she had plastic surgery and you're like But you realize it's just natural. She glows

Her and April Mesa used to be real fucking tight Two pieces of ass hanging out together. This is 12 15 years ago They're going doing these dirty shows all over the place and they started doing on forces show They got a my my face. What was before twitter and my space my space They got a my space page together And they would do all these dirty rooms and they got penthouse to pay him peanuts But they had something going on in vegas. They were really trying And every time you'd see one you'd see the other

And one day I see shame and I go, what's going on? Where's your buddy? She goes, we don't talk no more So in the back of my mind, I'm like, wow, wow, it's two girls. They went for the same guy It's some girl shit about a month late. I find that they're on a trip back from the fucking and Sarah tana verified it They're on a plane on the way back and also the plane says have an engine trouble and they're gonna die The planes and they go down and all of a sudden they we're gonna release the mass and they released the mass But only one came down. It was shame is mess

Fucking able macy took it held it down. So the choking is breathing the fuck That's deep that's savagery comedy shit right there Ralphie man Oh, man, let me tell you man. I used to on the netflix tour. Yes unruly We've got uh, we've got the west coast uh this uh this whole month or the next two weeks And then, you know, it's the lord's day. It's thanksgiving. You gotta give back to grace. All right. I'm going. I'm hitting uh, you gene uh, let me give my god Santa Cruz Fresno, holy shit

I don't know what I'm on but man, this is great Seattle look at the flying jude. Oh, he is fucking in zoom-o land jesus Right look at you. Oh my god. I'm telling you at least I get get that moose stash Like that villains get that moose stash You all right look like the fucking circus strong man You should have seen your face couple months ago All the church members up in canada first time i'm coming to vancouver man. Come on. Yeah, don't see him. That's the fucking town That's a town jack. I heard a lot of great things about vancouver. They're gonna carry out of the bus

Oh my god. Oh my god. No I had to go through Utah those guys The cops search me those motherfuckers ask me if I did cocaine I'm like the fact that i'm this fat and can talk to you proves I cannot do cocaine I've never done it. Okay. And then the guy asked me if I want some quaila. You are my own quailu And i'm like, what the fuck here is this 77? Yeah, I'd like yeah, can I buy quailus from you? Uh, and while give me 20 fucking grams of triceratops horn, you don't fuck. It's there's nothing there

You know what the official quote was the one I gave him because I was fucked up. You know what I was fucked up on? cold medicine I had a sinus infection because I just come from a goddamn disney cruise with my kids Okay, we flew the fucking we were in the Bahamas and I was on that fucking pool I mean that boat of germs Okay, and I got and then I went to flew to Denver. So I went from 82 to 12 Okay, fuck me. All right, and I had all this shit in my head and oh it was horrible So I started off with like all the day quill stuffs. Okay, like fucking

Just like day quill thorough flu day. Okay, like every music next day every day shit they had And and I dried up a little bit. I wouldn't have All right, this is the real deal. Okay. All right. All right, but I started shaking I'm shaking I started shaking because I'm all fucked up on all that cold medicine. So Okay, go go. I'm not gonna lose you to you. I got the night cool out You know, I'm trying to smooth this ride out. You know, I'm trying to was trying to fucking metal this train And then I just take a big old swallow

A fucking night will It wasn't we I played night cool roulette and lost Okay, and you know in my wife because she goes do why didn't you use the measuring cup? And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about measuring cup? That's that cap on the top of the fucking night quill is a measuring cup I've never fucking used that in my goddamn life. I had no idea Okay, my fucking I just you're drinking up, you know, I go likes like two shots. Fuck it Hey, that's your fault. That's good as fuck. I'm drunk again. All right

Hey, that was you and gravity motherfucker. You all met. Okay, you're a dick and I wouldn't the only one You fucked up some shit off and getting out of there Okay, so you suck a dick and by the way, we went to that jack of the box right behind his house because we were smelling all them Fucking Bullshit, I don't know. I didn't go to that jack one. I had to pull over. I couldn't stop laughing What happened? Okay, okay What the fuck had happened? Never never this is you keep your balls in my fucking. All right. No, nobody want to see them

All right, I'm seeing plenty of my life All right, where christ is out. No, man. Fuck you. Let me finish this you cock sucker All right, because I know you don't believe me, but my wife goes that's a measuring cup And I'm like, well, I might be dumb, but you're a dirty bitch. I ain't never seen one in a dishwasher That's just gross. You leave the same cap. That's disgusting. All right And so I was just like fucking hit it But you know what I quoted them because they were just making lines up about me I was like last thing I said before I head on stage. I heard was uh

Uh, all I said was uh, yes, mr. Cosby. I'd love another cocktail. That's all I that's all I remember All right And that's just like go fuck yourself you get fucked up my Michael dude. I was Let me tell you something. He's like, you got a bottle of Michael. We'll give you a star debt And we'll smoke a joint. It's all over It's all dude in in 92 I played the hip hop comedy stop Steve harvies and michonne mcdonald's all black

comedy club in a hotel Okay, and I had I was sitting back there with these crazy ass like I met this guy It goes me out. My name's willy d. All right. He's willy d from the ghetto boys. Okay And then this little ass midget walks over bushwick bill. Okay, and he's he's gangster. Okay I mean bushwick bill was no bullshit. He had knives on him and shit that little motherfucker cut your balls off That was I leveled to him. Okay. No. No with codeine syrup Coding coding And we listened to fucking slow

Slow records That this guy named dj screw would do all right, but we drink that with seven Okay, or mountain dude. Boom. They do a mountain dude. So he wouldn't pass out. So he did just drink that syrup All right, and we was fucked up. How much would you pour in because I only like every time I get wrong kind of Dude, dude, they poured a lot in mind. Okay, they poured a lot and they shit load and a lot of them was putting that What's that? Is um the raspberry liquor like shambord or something they pour shambord in it too. So you'd have can You'd have like grape soda with some shambord and

syrup Okay, and all those fools were doing that all of them. It was and and it was like I can't I didn't know what hit me. Okay, because it didn't take it tastes like cool And I was like what and they call me up on stage and for whatever reason it was the greatest set of the four years I've ever done comedy And and I I relax. Yeah, but I was you know I've been smoking weed in the back with this little crazy midget passing it because it was so funny to look at a midget when You're on coding and smoking weed

And and and like if the midget takes the joint out of your hand But it looks so much infinitely bigger in his hand than it ever did in yours. It's crazy. Like what whoa? Okay, it's amazing, but I I came in and blew the place apart got a standing ovation All right, but a guy a comic came on stage who hated my fucking guts that he was like He was trying to be like the number one guy and he had tried to do everything And I blew the guy out of the fucking water. Steve Harvey told me I did Okay, it was it was it was fucking unanimous and he starts talking shit about me being fat

Like making out these fat shit jokes and the audience turns on the guy and then out of nowhere. You see this nickel 45 1911 45 caliber come up and goes and it is bushwick bill and he goes Bring the fat white boy back shut the fuck up nigger All right, and he was about to shoot that man. Okay, because that's that's how gangsta ain't fucked up this guy was And and they was like, okay. I'm gonna fuck it. I was like, okay I had nothing fucking left. What the fuck what how can you follow what you just did? I had nothing at all I'm like, uh

Man, I love those midgets. You know, they always they've always got you back up to here. All right, and I got the fuck out I was so scared. I'm like this. He's already pulled a gun once He's gonna shoot me for making a midget joke at him But he loved it because he was all fucked up and falling over and shit. It was crazy, man Midgets when they pass out, they're just kind of like, you know, weebawabbles and then then they go, okay He thinks that big You never hung out with no midgets like this. No, they creep in the fuck out of me. I like them. I like them They're good people. Let's read these monsters get the fuck out of here word to that great church

By the way, thank you for having me. I'm just getting fucked up on call. I want to drink with black people drinking now I saw it on drug zinc. What was it? What is it that shit they drink in Memphis and the south Like a liquid codeine and mix it with kool-aid. Oh, yeah Yeah, that's the exact thing It's just you mix codeine with a drink. No, you what you do is you get it's cough syrup It's cough syrup and and from I remember just fucked up on that stuff I drank night cool as a kid as a kid. I discovered night cool when I was like nine I remember they would help you fall asleep. Oh, so I liked it, but I didn't like the feeling in the morning

I've never chuged codeine, but it's great just to have it. It's like it's like a joint It's like a joint pills get my I'm Dude, I get I get I get so fucking. I can't eat that shit My stomach. No, my fucking little pooper gets worn out. I can't shit and it's miserable Fuck that. I don't do none of that shit. Oh my god. I drink something. I cough medicine and shit one night Dude, you don't want to records and shit. Oh, man. That's what we used to do. Please slow down the horse in this motherfucker one time Bring it back. Bring the horse in this motherfucker one time. Hey Lee Lee put this song on. Okay. This is a great song Hold on. We got to get the fuck out of here. We'll put some stones and we'll get the fuck out of here

Where did that? Let's do this real quick For 9,000 years, that's how long humans been making wine That's also how long they've been confused about which wine to drink Some people get a headache after they drink wine. I used to get a headache One time I shoplifted a bottle of wine from Albertson's and across my Hudson county park And I drank it with Diddy Kenter on louis castley. I had a headache for two fucking days But for many of us it's a shopping park that causes a real headache You got too many choices. You don't you don't know what to do

People coming over they're serving chicken. They're serving lobster and sometimes you go down there and wine's expensive You went in there to buy a 20 next thing you know, you dropped in 60 and you got no guarantee of what you're gonna buy, right? Let me tell you something It's overwhelming to pick out a good bottle of wine sometimes especially for people who don't know it Your own personal experience learning about wine and why haven't you bought to learn about wine that type of stuff This is what we're gonna do. I joined the new wine club. It's called club w They changed the whole game. It's easy. You go to club w.com and you answer six Questions the algorithm grim whatever you say algorithm algorithm creates a palette profile just for you

I don't know where the card is right now. It's pretty cool. Man. If you've ever seen anything like this club W is leading the glass the great to glass wine revolution What means is they cut out the middleman They work directly for the vineyards and they cut the guy out which in turn saves you some doray meat So with club w is you get premium wine customized to your taste at a third of what you pay for at a store When you don't even know what the hell you're paying for You're not buying like it's not like a club where they send you other companies wines These are their wines like you're not gonna see these wines wines anywhere else

But the most interesting thing is going to their webpage when you go to club w.com You go on their page and have all these videos informative videos and they tell you what wines you drink you take the test And next thing, you know, you're involved Which when you don't know about that listen, man, I grew up in a bar. I don't know nothing about wine So when I went to club w I was blown away by how much interaction you have they'll put it down to the exact thing I mean the nut the grape work came from the vineyard. Anyway, what they do is they save you money It comes down to maybe 13 dollars a bottle of wine and so much and there's even a no risk 100 guarantee That you'll love when they send you so do me a favor right now

What what what they're doing is for all the listeners is they're offering 50 percent off your first order when you go to club w dot com slash joey So do you understand me 50 percent off your first order when you go to club w Dot com slash joey and this is not like fucking columbia house Where they send you records every month even if you don't want them you order what you want, right? So if you think you need three bottles, you order three bottles It's 13 a bottle to get delivered to your door and it's exactly what you like what you're guaranteed to love

Or you get 100 money back guaranteed. So again, do me a favor you get 50 off your first order Go to club w dot com slash joey stop wasting time and stop losing money at these retail stores and start drinking wine You know, you're going to love so go to club w dot com slash joey to get your 50 off. All right I'm doing it just to get this stuff. I bring the to Thanksgiving parties. You important No, but i'm just saying like let's say you have to bring stuff to a party Yeah, man, that's perfect. Just get three just get three bottles of wine and then you're gonna have to go at least This town takes the whole week off This party's every night. We're off until the start of the new year now

When I used to work in tv a little bit of work not really Yeah, until now until Thanksgiving and say we'll be busy But then after that it's they're out everybody's skiing Yeah, that's good to know Anyway, let me tell you something. I tell you once i'm going into a heavy season now I go into like six weeks of flying So this whole thing dog. I got my on it. I always slap when I'm what's the one I take the immune the shroom tech immune Let me tell you something those planes are filthy

Those planes are filthy If you think you get off a plane they steam it with chemicals and they wipe down nothing in my bag There's a fucking deodorizer. I got a hand sanitizer to wipe everything That's the first thing I do when I sit down now I don't want somebody else's ass on my ass that i'm stinking like they're fucking ass. You got to wipe those fucking seats down So do me a favor. It's just bad when you fly. There's a lot of human contact this time of the year do yourself a favor Go to on it.com get the shroom tech immune You boost up your immune system when you have a lot of human contact when you're flying

We're out we're smoking dope with different people you hit a vapor pen You know, you get sick this time of the year you lose fucking thousands of dollars, especially you Ralphie man I can't afford to fucking get sick. I can't so I don't take a chance I up my vitamin c when I fly and I also take shroom tech immune But that that's not only the only thing fucking on it's got they got shroom tech sport Which gives you more endurance when you roll lift weights walk whatever the fuck you want to do Even when you fly it opens you up. They have strong bone They have the hemp protein powder and they got alpha brain, you know

It's just and with 100 100 percent money back guarantee the new tropics that it's off the fucking charge So do yourself a favor go to island.com right now and press in church And get 10 off your first order and if you get a scent right through your fucking door You don't have to leave the house. You have to go to Whole Foods. You have to do nothing Will you press in Lee church? Beautiful number two hittiesix.com. What'd your dad say? He loves him. He says Because we say it's five for 50

It's half off. They're usually 20 You know, because it's usually like 20 bucks. They're 20 a piece. You get right now. Hittiesix tremendous 1200 guarantee pups Right here. I'm smoking the reefer, but right here my little fucking cigar here. I'm living like a doctor I'm like bachino and godfather too. You just don't even fucking know I You broke my high freighter hittiesix.com right now. They got the tobacco They got the cigar. All right, then they have the tobacco line a cigarette line It's 24 16 8 and zero milligrams of nicotine. You quit smoking with it

Whatever the fuck you want to do my dad likes the flavors. I'm telling you and the flavors you could switch it up Go to hittiesix.com and press in joey church. Boom and get five for 50 which is 50 percent off Nailed it life.com the vapor kings You want a vapor pan you like smoking you like doing this you want to see the devil Go to nailed it life.com right now. What are they running away? Tell them When you use cobra joey diaz, you're gonna get 20 off the premier vapor pan on the market for all the oil and wax smokers out there And if you live in california, they are also the makers of those gumis aranos There you go. Joey, so listen do yourself a favor. Please support nailed it life

Please support hittiesix. Please support on it and please go to club w. It's a holiday season It's beautiful wine delivery money. That's perfect for you. I'm here to save you guys money I'm not trying to fucking sell you no junk. I don't like that. Don't forget my main man is whether no kid theater I'm at the end of friday on friday night. Go to raffymade.com. Yes for tickets Go to raffymade.com for everything. Go see if he's coming to your fucking neighbor. I'll pray there. So interesting You don't want to miss this. I go everywhere. I'm in portland thursday through sunday And i'm in new jersey next week at the stress factor. All right guys. Hey, I love that club, man And maybe the voice records come out man. I like those guys and thank you for coming on. We got

Hey church, you know what the hash fucking me up. You say yeah, it's fucked up You know, there's cameras and microphones here, but at the base of it It's it's back 16 17 years 1440 me and you my little glass table sitting by the window You know cracking fucking joke cracking fucking joke only leaves here. That's it. Yeah. How you feeling my brother? We've ever had I'm uh, I'm good. That's what that's what cocoa brought up the church. What's happening now made me a dakin Okay, you had been there. You've been right there with us at least 15 years ago. I'm proud to have you sir Close it up. We thank you raffymade for coming on. Don't forget friday night. It's gonna be a theater

I love you cut suckers. I love you. Thank you, sir And thank y'all for having me on I really appreciate if you stuck around and uh, I know I get long wind and I'm I'm annoying when I laugh so I apologize if I love you But I love him and he makes me cry laughing so I'm sorry Bye This show is brought to you by club w Club w is a one club that's changed everything You go to club w.com and answer six simple questions and their algorithm creates a palette profile just for you

Go to club w Dot com right now and they're offering our listeners 50 off of your first order when good at club w.com slash joey So stop wasting time and money messing around at retail stores and start drinking wine. You know, you're going to love Just go club w.com slash joey to get 50 off of your first order That's club w.com slash joey Go to heat e six dot com better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape

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