Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #331 - Alonzo Bodden

Episode Date: November 5, 2015

Alonzo Bodden, comedian and host of the "Who's Paying Attention?" podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   MeUndies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off and free shipping in the USA and Canada   Recorded live on 11/04/2015.   Music:   50 Cent - In Da Club Jay Z - Picasso Baby '  

He's a comedy fan. Oh, yeah, this car over on Santa Monica Boulevard I was waiting in front of a wheat store and he pulled over and he goes I saw you in front of this his wife is Dominican He's a sweetheart of a guy who's very nice, but I've always been a fan like I you know He was telling me was 14. We do apocalypse now. I'll tell you when he you ever see him on blackish On this TV show that show is fucking for now. This show is hilarious hilarious But he's he's the grandfather and he takes one scene every show and he comes in and he kills it And then he's gone. He just comes in says the funniest shit in the show and then he's out

I haven't watched it. I did see Joe Michael's and I'll tell you that's car. Michael's a great show Bro, fucking what great show? What's his dad? What is that David Allen Greer dad? Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, but he's really funny now. That's a guy You talk about a talent Who can do anything? I mean anything. Let's talk to David Allen Greer hit it hit it. I want to rock right now I'm my face. I came to get down. What what let's do it. Lisa. Yeah, this show is brought to you by on it.com and And star one edibles and star one edibles Go to on it.com and also star one edibles

And use code word church to get 10 off your order of great optimization products like alpha brain new mood schoomtech immune schoomtech sport It's code word church to get 10 off shows also brought to you by me undies Go to me undies.com slash joey to get 20% off of your first order of men's and women's underwear T-shirts socks, and they're also offering you free shipping in the united states and canada Go to me undies.com slash joey That's the vehicle that I've been that's the one I should have wrote a world time ago Oh, shit. I feel it. You feel it. Oh shit. What do you got, Lee? What do you got, Lee? Oh, my shoulder's leaking. Oh shit, Lee. Lee check it out the other way coming at you, Lee. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit

Oh, shit The church bitches after new sessions Alonzo Bowden the flying june Oh, shit. Oh Fuck it. Lee do it. I'm The spirits taking me to the ocean Oh fuck What's happening you bad motherfuckers the church of what's happening now uncle joey

Lee sciat Alonzo Bowden tremendous comedian. Thank you for coming in today. Absolutely. Listen, we're just going to start Right this motherfucker off. We were talking about david alan gray. If you have not watched the Carmichael's What's the name? Yeah, Carmichael and the Carmichael show He he plays the father and it's like listen a player comes into the league They make a big wahoo about him when he's 21. He wins rookie of the year For three years. He he does really well Then he gets hurt for two years and then his wife leaves him and he fucks the maid So for four years yet, he bats 261 and he gets his 31 homeruns and you know, but it's not

You know this motherfucker. Yeah, but also one day he turns 30 He turns 30 and now see meets some fucking white woman some Mapped That's what happened to me. I'm in a great little white woman. Everything's fine. Everything changed and all of a sudden bro You go from hitting 261 to hitting 361 and nobody could figure it out And it's because you know what man anything you're doing life is peaks and valleys But that comes to a point when you're everything you're doing is good and if you watch that That's what happened to david alan gray

But see I don't even know if that happened to him or if he just didn't get that shot There was a period where I mean because if you look at if you look at his career and look at what he's done Forget about a living color because he killed that now that was 20 years. He killed that just to be around 20 years later But but even look at early movies like did you see jumanji when he played the cop Against robin will you how long ago was that that's how long you just an or boomerang boomerang? He was boomerang this with your like virus why why didn't he get more? You know it wasn't like he did anything wrong like who knows how hollywood works But why didn't he get any movies for that period but and the other thing about david alan grayer

He can kill it on either end right he can be funny But then he can be real You know and now now he's I mean he's killing on the car michael's and then he's going to do the whiz live on tv Like you know how you know how scary that shit is to to be live on tv doing a musical Like how easy is that to fuck up now who else is in the whiz? Um, I think queen latifah is going to be in it and then I don't know who else is doing it But they're redoing it live on uh, but yeah, he I mean dad kills it You know, you know what where I had the most respect for him

After he did living color I don't know if he was a stand-up or if he did it But he was like he used to come to the laugh factory and just like work out like play and he said Man, they they offer me a lot of money do this shit I got to learn how to do this shit And I respected the fact that he said that and did that like he became a good stand-up Because how many people would just ride on the tv fame? And not give a shit about being funny, you know, I mean like he came off the biggest show

In in the 90s right so he could have just gone on stage and said hi I'm david on agree and talk shit for 20 minutes and they give him 50 grand But he actually worked at becoming a great stand becoming a great stand-up So I got mad well if you watch him on the Carmichael's one thing comes to mind that he's a student of the game all right when you have a There's two types of people that come that come people are coming together checking others people are a student of the fucking game They're the ones that you see on the sitcom eight years ago And most of them they pop them in a movie and they kill it on something you pick down

You thought that died disappeared then you look up what he's been doing. He's been in france playing the bongos for a band And that's what you do Instead of fighting against a wave see a lot of people come off a tv show and then like where's my shot You just made 10 million syndication go go away go around how to play the fucking drums Go do something because whatever they give you you're gonna force that hand Unless you're the chick from sign fell or the chick from the soprano was the mother right right? They went right into another sitcom syndicated that motherfucker. Here's another paycheck for you the chick from sign fell I'll tell you the one

Katie Segal for married with children. That's right has never not been on tv Since that show she's never not been on tv She did married with children then she was the voice on that cartoon futurama and then she had like um What was the sons of anarchy? And she had something else. Oh, uh, wasn't she on the uh, john ridder series when john ridder had his second Yeah, she's never been off tv since married with children That's dirty fucking yeah 25 years. Yeah

Hey listen, that's a career this that's what people do that's a career That's what people do and you have to figure That you get that much better. Can you imagine? Katie Segal on the screen or sons on the set of sons of anarchy. She knew the whole fucking thing. Yeah, you walk Listen, man. I'm gonna tell you something. You know, I I'm honest with we I tell you how this I got here to town. I was never an extra. You know, I just never saw the fucking thing for it People kept coming up to me man. We could put you in extra. I was like, I ain't coming to be a motherfucking extra Let me try to stand up shit out and then I'll get back to you

And then you you book shit, you know, and that was 1997, you know, the first time I booked a movie I'm gonna tell you Just for people at home the first time I booked a movie I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about And I'm telling you both to your fate, you know what movie it was. It was baseball Yeah, the movie with the fucking dudes from south park, you know, and they're brighting on this fame and I'm sitting there thinking to myself. What the fucking am I doing? I got a roller skate You know and all this shit and finally I told him I ain't roller skating

But the day they called me I ain't gonna lie to nobody in this room. I didn't know action I didn't know cut. I didn't know step on your mark They kept saying step on your mark. What are you talking about? What mark? What is this a fucking race? I don't see no fucking marks here What I didn't know Alonzo nothing, you know how I learned all that shit. Tell me I my first job My day job like I used to be in airplanes. I used to be an airplane mechanic Then I started doing stand-up. I said I'm not going to work on planes again I just made a promise to myself like because if I did that then I'd go back to you know, because it was money

Right, it was too easy So my boy was working on the show power rangers on the kids show and he calls me up and he says Hey, man, can you drive a u-haul and I was like, yeah, he said, all right. That's the same size as a camera truck I'm hiring you to drive the camera truck and he got me on the show And because I was on the crew and you just you like you drive the truck and you park it You know how it works. Yeah, that's it Then you see drivers sit around all day and I learned what everybody does like I was like that That's when I learned like at the end of the movie when you see all those crazy credits, you know

Best boy key grip key make up what the fuck is the best right? The best boy is the assistant to the key grip What's a key grip the key grip is the main grip the main guy He's the key guy the director was the main guy. No of the grips the grips is No grips are the guys who set up everything like when they say we're moving the scenes and they got to move Lights and the electrical shit and all that, you know move the cameras and blot That's all the grips and you know what they call them grips because they grip shit. They grab it Like I learned I'm telling you I learned all of this shit

Just hanging around the set talking to people watching people and you learn what they do and that's how I learned every Everything about production. I learned being a truck driver on a production Alondra, I know and this is for people at home. Just so you know like once I got basketball I didn't know dick Then I shot Bronx County. Yeah, and I didn't know dick But the one that became Evident and then after that I went on the road for like 10 months came back and got into an acting class Now the acting class helped me and then I I booked a recurring plumber

On an NBC show with a bunch of stars kids The kid from Was an anger management. No one of those Adam Sandler movies that he played the steroid kid when he's in hawai And he plays the brother to the fucking girl that's half retarded and Adam Sandler's dating it Whatever you didn't watch that movie with Adam Sandler. You watch all that shit. You never watched that one Oh, 51st days 51st dates that you're the white kid He was in the show was stars kids for some belafonte Belafonte's daughter was on the show somebody else's daughter was on the show. Oh my god

It was fucking amazing. No, no, Sydney Portier's daughter. Oh, okay, Sydney fucking Portier's daughter was on the show So i'm working with all these stars shows i'm the plumber I booked episode six seven and eight Alonzo was gonna change my fucking career I was already telling motherfuckers listening four or five weeks. I'm bumping you motherfucking Right, isn't that isn't that how it feels though whenever you get it you feel like yep, this is it because when I came here In 1997 they go here's the deal you got on the tv show as a plumber You do four five six episodes next you know you're selling tickets. You go on the road. Yeah, you make money Okay, so I get here. I shoot a fucking movie comes out. I get nothing nobody comes to see me

Then I shoot a pilot. It's gonna be the biggest pilot in CBS history. It don't get picked up How the fuck do you go from giving the director a million dollars? It's gonna it's gonna it's gonna compete with nypd blue and then it just don't get picked up That's how this business works. That's how this business works. So now boom I pick up mad tv I still nothing crack a lax just some people go. Hey, you were funny on mad tv But then all of a sudden I got a call from mbc go down on a monday. I didn't want to go down there I'm like, I don't want to go down there play no fucking mexican plumber and I walk in and the ladies like what's the problem

I don't want to come read for this. You're not going to give me is the waste of my time And she goes read the thing and I read it and she's like read it again You got a call back on monday the producers next time coming here with a better attitude And I booked it. So now I got this fucking thing And alonzo, I swear to god, this is my third job now. I got a sad card Yeah, so a few people at home that think that we're pulling miracles and when you see this fucking dude on tv I got high. I didn't know nothing I didn't know nothing guys. I ain't gonna lie nobody. I remember them saying joey something action cut

Something about the line the mark and then finally somebody pulled me over and they're like You did great in the audition. What the hell's going on with you? I'm like, I have no idea what i'm doing. They go, all right. They broke it down and after that I was good to go and shit, you know But I didn't know nothing here. I got three episodes on the seven bc show I didn't know nothing. Yeah, alonzo and nobody teaches you they just assume when you walk in you walk But you know you you're good at the hard part the hard part is the audition The heart once you get the job you can do the job and they'll work with you to do

But the hard part is that audition in the room and I can't audition for shit. You ever go to court done Court yeah, yeah You ever go in front of a judge? Yeah, it's a motherfucker. Hey the suspense Same thing with an audition. See I got good in addition. I'm going to court That's the uncle joey. I should have went to court more off. Yeah, that's the uncle joey It's the same difference, right? Hey kids one more reason to break the law. No, you want an acting career? You want an acting career? No, no, no, no, no drop out of school and start stealing shit right now Can you fucking believe that shit for the late 19? No, I just made it. I just hey just petty shit though

You don't do time you just you want to be in front of it hilarious. How it's the same thing I always when I go to a fucking audition and they make me sit outside Lee every minute i'm sitting there. I'm boiling. I never heard that before i'm boiling I start boiling the line so And I look at the people and I'll see somebody that's a star in a movie like he did a big movie And then I start feeling bad about myself right like oh fuck This guy probably went to julia and you know, I learned how to do comedy at a fucking halfway house and Uh, vana chubbock in the comedy store, you know, you just i'm watching trains planes and all the mobiles and sanford and the sun

And also you start getting these doubts and all of a sudden my blood pressure starts going up dog I'm like, you know what? I followed paul mooney for two years at the store at midnight I did half time a buffalo saber game. You survived that shit. You could survive anything Fuck this motherfucker. Fuck this bitch. I'm that's how I got spider-man 2 Yeah, I almost had a nervous breakdown in the auditioning room with spider-man 2 it went into overtime You ever go to an audition they're like we're running late And you're like 445 and you're still there at 6 o'clock. I got so pissed from being at lee

I'm thinking about the 405 traffic. I'm boiling then paulie walks in from the sopranos The big guy from oceans 11 So I waited all the way here to six o'clock To fucking for these motherfuckers to walk in and bump me on the audition When paulie from the sopranos walked out. I had a yankee hat on and that lady goes joey dear. Is you ready to read this? I go, yeah, and I was so fucking pissed that when I went back. I knocked the couch over So she goes do it again And I go you want me to knock the couch over she goes fuck you let the director see what I just saw the next day

boom spider-man 2 And I just I got so pissed alonzo from Being there like it was 445. Yeah, and you know and sony. Yeah, you know what something going to sony's life Get not a fucking sony national avenue there. Yeah, so usually we especially at six o'clock. Oh my god, but you know what? Your uncle joey you make a right and go on to venice and get some Cuban food on Versailles number 25 The conic on papa. Fuck. Yeah. What the fuck are you gonna do in Venice go up against traffic? You get stuck down at venice boulevard. You're deep deep. Where do you live? You live up here? I live up here

Oh, yeah, so you're deep you get stuck down there 445 What are you gonna do sitting your car and call your agent telling how you you know what? Let me go to Versailles. Let me at least make the fucking ride It's like in the old days when they made you go to abicanny and big down there. They had a pizza Pizza on bagel. Yeah, I haven't tried it. Oh, shit. This is 15 years ago. Well, you don't worry. I know it's still there But this is when venice boulevard was dead. Yeah, I shot a taco bell commercial in the summer in 98 And I go they go if you don't want to eat this shit Walk down and get a piece of pizza and I almost died

It was and so every time I got a call in those days There was two offices in abicanny used to always call me in so that's what you do What time's your addition 11 30? Perfect. I got lunch now in abicanny. I got two slices of pizza and a coke and shit Yeah, the funniest if the two auditions I knew where it was just I was laughing About how how wrong it was one of them. This had to be 98 99 I'm at NBC. They want moving men big guy. That's what that's all it says, right big guy. What year was this? It's 98 99 something like that Back then with Steve. Well, I don't I don't know but I'm in the in the waiting room

Michael Clark Duncan walks in Michael Clark Duncan six nine 320 Like he had like 20 inch biceps like you know, you know, I'm talking about green mile So I was like this is before green. This is before green. This is before he's done anything Nobody knows who he is But I'm sitting in the waiting room and we're looking around and I went to the receptionist

Why are we here? Like you said big guy. What did you see what the fuck walked? I said, I could play the big guy's bitch And she was just cracking up. I said, did you see the size of that guy who just walked in and he was laughing? You know, he was laughing. It was like, why are we even here? When he just walked in and then there was another one That I went up for and it was like it was a copper. It was something one of those roles You know, I get called in for that and the brother came in who had been the chief of police on nypd blue Remember the black guy? Yeah

And I'm like why are we here? I tell dick jokes like that. That's a fucking actor Right, like you know what I mean when you sit there when you're looking like that's an actor That's that guy's for real that guy did it like what you know, but you go in and you take a shot, right? You never know. Did you take any lessons? Yeah, I took some acting So how long actually for about a year and a half I had a great acting teacher Her name is Janet Alhante and Janet's thing was She would take people from one thing and train them to do something else like she trained meatloaf

for What was that fucking movie the fight move the fight quite clever And she worked with like models when they wanted a model to become an actress or whatever So she was good. She knew how to work with comedians, but the cool thing about her You know, you got some of these acting coaches that like all right, you're a comedian. I don't want you to do comedy I want you to do drama drama or whatever because you and she was like no She said look you can do some comedy because it's what you do But she had me doing a fellow

Which that was the thing that blew my mind because like I had never thought of doing Shakespeare and she pushed me To that level, but then what happened was Standup started to get real hot. This was in the days of doublins, right? Then I went into Last comic standing and she said look you that's what you're doing. She said you are so Deep into that, you know, you know how they talk. She's like your muscle is all Work in comedy now. So when if you want to do this come back to this But for now just do that because the other problem was you know in acting class, you got to work scenes with people, right?

Well, if you're doing stand-up and you're traveling every week, you can't rehearse with people you can't do so now I'm doing monologues and shit and I'm kind of like well I'm not paying you to do monologues when I do a monologue every night She was great though. She was she was cool. But um I got one of the things you learn as an actor is we were talking about this before you learn respect for great actors Like people don't people who watch a movie watch a tv show, but don't see it made Don't understand what a great actor is But when you get like we were talking about fishburn or don cheetah or now you got adrice elba

And you got denzel These brothers can do like when they do a scene when they bring that emotion People don't see they they brought that emotion nine times. You know what I mean? Would it would take one take two not to interrupt These zelda is the the dude that denzel shoots an american gangster down the block No, adrice elba is the brother who was uh, he started with the wire He was a stringer bell on the wire. All right. All right. And uh, what was he in? I don't even know what he was in most he's been in a bunch of stuff

He works a ton. He was in that pacific rim movie with the robots. He he does he does all kind of stuff He did a great series in the uk called luther It was it was it was a british series because he's a british actor No, shit plays a black american like he can switch between You know brit and america, but so who was the dude he shot in that scene that came in tried to I can't remember. I know who you're talking about but I can't remember because he's one of those dudes That if you grew up in that area, you know, I saw that Was it an american gangster in america when he comes into the diner the first time and breaks his balls

And then he goes from now and you got to pay this and he goes listen That's more than I was paying whatever And then finally he goes up to him with a jar and puts on the street And he goes if I don't have my money on my boy You're fucking brains out and he goes right here in front of everybody on a hundred and fifty BAM! and he fucking shoots him that was when denzel because denzel would have breakfast in that Diner every morning and he like took his napkin off folded in tremendous tremendous just walked outside to the next block Blasted and nobody said shit

In 1970 if you know that neighbor, yeah Those people they the cop by the time the cops came that body would be stiff Bleeding nobody saw fucking nothing but what that dude when I heard him talk to for this when I saw him Like oh that dude's beautiful. He's yeah, he's on in four years. I can't remember his name But yeah, he's when he did a movie with a white chick. He was fucking the white chick and the wife and him Yeah, Beyonce Beyonce played the fucking wife. That's a driss. That's a driss elbow, but that's a driss I don't think a driss elbow was in american gangster. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, maybe it was fuck. Yeah, he keeps going up to him and fucking with him a little bit Oh first at the party That's when the the shit started when he put the drink on the table and denzel came over wiped it and put the drink Yeah on the fucking coaster that's when it started and then he said something Why don't you go over there and get me a drink or something? See if he tried he had been fucking with denzel for a while. He was he was tango tango tango tango Tango, you know, that's unreasonable tango. Yes, he's tremendous The fuck will fuck me up is that that dude when I heard him talk off camera

He's british and it fucked me up with all the black dudes. We got out of work here They got to go over to what a fucking island they got a mother black motherfucker, you know That shit kills me because that's all you need You get you could be from new york and just come up with chip chip chally hoe and tell them you're black And from England don't suck your dick don't jump up and down regular black info get no love But you show but chally ho chip chip chally hoe and you used to hang out with seal and you know Next to you know, everybody's sucking your dick. They got fucking cuts What's up, it's good to have you

It's good to have some fucking chally hoe. I think that's that's the only thing i'm taking from this project chip chip chally hoe The fuck so you're a queens boy born and raised. I'm a queens boy. St. Albans queens. Jesus. Yes, st. Albans queens Absolutely grew up a met family. We're talking about the Mets Literally, let me tell you how how literally I grew up with the Mets me and the Mets were both born in queens in 1962 That's that's how tied I am to the Mets when I was a kid. We used to go to met games all the time How much? All these people tell america the fucking dodgers want to raise their ticket prices again. I saw it this morning I'm like families can't go to a game. I'm the people in your family

There were five of us and everybody went to the game Yeah back then it was what five or eight bucks or something something like that you go to yeah, you go to game Yeah, you're never gonna catch a ball. You ain't sitting you ain't sitting in box seats You remember the back of the day when you walked in a stadium. You always looked for the stairs going up Me and my boy we joke about that now because we go I go to a lot of clipper games And it's like man remember back in the day when we used to just walk in and you didn't even look down You knew you knew you were going up seven flights of stairs. I couldn't do that shit today I could not now you go down toward the floor. You're like, yeah, this is we're living good. But yeah, man

I used to um I used to do that. You know st. Albans. This is this is a funny thing about st. Albans And it's funny you was playing fitty at the beginning I I tell everybody like st. Albans wasn't the hood till fitty cent said it was the hood Like we was we were just a working class black neighborhood like my boys who are from the south browns from up in harlem From brooklyn shit like they were like, man, you lived in the suburbs. You had a fucking lawn You had a garage in the back of the house. Like, yeah, I know with 50s final queens He's I don't know where he's from but that's where he got shot. He got shot there. Yeah, he got shot there, but um

Yes, so mine and the up there's a nicer part of st. Albans not the part I lived in But there's another part where back when shit was segregated. It was where rich black people lived So james brown had a house there willy mays had a house there Miles davis I think his wife had a house that you know what I mean? It was like it was literally Where black celebrities live because they weren't allowed to live In the white areas So there was a I didn't live in that part of st. Albans, but there was a part where these houses were like fucking mansions, you know

But yeah, that's where I grew up and then um Came here when I was 18 came here two weeks after high school Oh, shit. Yeah, two weeks after high school. I want to go back to something with you 69 match. You were there 60 I wasn't at the game, but I absolutely remember at 69. Yeah, ed crane pool ron soboda. Tommy aji clion jones seaver and and the worst trade ever in history of baseball Well, no second worst trade after after bae bruce. Say this nolan ryan kids kind of wild We get rid of his ass. Remember nolan ryan was a met nolan ryan was a nolan ryan was a met

Who did they get from exactly? I don't know But they nolan ryan had a hundred mile an hour fastball, but they you never knew where it was gonna go You know, but then he left and he went to the angels and five no hitters later They were like, man, we probably should have kept that ryan kid I Go back with the match like the Mets and where my mom was cuban So the baseball vibe was alive in the house at the bar. She had It was the argument of the day, you know, it was the argument of the day, but I fuck you

So, you know, I go back ed crane pool tug McGraw the fucking met She hated the most was a guy by the name of George Theodore the stork. Yeah, he played the outfield and his career ended because he he banged heads He either fucking banged his head against the wall against I remember had the chicken pox that week He was tall and lanky The Mets were I don't know the best the best met game I ever went to and I'll always remember I was at the game. It was a mother's day when willy mays came back When willy mays came back from the giants and they played for the Mets and he hit a home run

And the stadium didn't sheared and cried It was like willy's home, you know, that was that was I'll never forget that. I'll never forget when he hit that home run Everybody just fucking lost it I remember willy mays coming back to the Mets. I heard the most fun The most fun met That I that I love me and my brother still talk about him. Dave kingman Remember Dave kingman big white guy. Fuck yeah, he's a strike out. Oh, I think I trained to chicago

He got to Chicago later on he strike out 45 times and in the 46th time he'd hit a home run 600 feet Oh my god When kingman hit shit shit kept going it was it couldn't catch a fly ball Never forget there was an announcer one time kingman was in the outfield and they they were playing the clip They said today Dave kingman was attacked by a fly ball But man when kong kingman hit the ball I mean that shit was like it was tape measure. It was he could hit a baseball five to 600 feet And and it was just and you loved it

But but the met that was always a mess right the Yankees were always solid the Mets always had characters So why did you guys choose the Mets over the Yankees because we it was where you grew up in new york Because what's the I grew up in queens and the Mets were in queens My mom was a man hatton, but then we grew up in jersey But my mom was always a Mets fan. Yeah the house was supposed to be a met red socks house My house was by law because that's how most houses are the Cuban houses You're supposed to like I was I wasn't a Mets fan I was because my mom was too much of a Mets fan. I didn't want to jump on board

But I I liked like tug McGraw was my favorite man tug McGraw used to fucking hit his glove He should you ever see anybody see the rocket pitch live? Yeah When you see the rocket pitch live the big white dude that got traded to boston You really get to see you don't see that on the camera He pitched something completely different than what you saw On your home tv the rocket. What's his name? Roger clemens. Roger clemens used to fuck with batters Clemens was old school old school tough and and clemens. He's the one who punked the Mets

He punked my piazza. Yep in the 2000 world series and that changed the whole thing When he threw the ball at piazza And piazza didn't rush the mound when clemens stood up there like fucking gonna do and piazza dropped his bat And went to first base and piazza was the leader of the Mets. He's the best hitter on the team Then the whole shit went and then it was it was literally like roger was like I got you Like that was he you supposed to rush the mound roger clemens was at old school Like with it back then they didn't fuck around you they throw that shit right at your head and stand and look at what's Fucking gonna do and if you didn't rush him or throw a you lost the war you lost the war

It was all psychologically. I saw him pitch when he was in boston I saw him here one time a couple against the dodgers. I don't know who he was with we played against the dodgers And he would I didn't see it that time when he went to houston I my friend had tickets behind The fucking mound the the catcher's plate And lee The shit he would do The shit he would do he would walk towards you

And then walk back and not fucking break contact with you. Shit. I grew up hating him Oh, no when I when I grew up he had already left the red sox. He was out there when I started like paying attention to baseball He was with the Yankees and he was killing you. Oh But I'm gonna tell you I used to hate him I'll tell you He was so good. I'll tell you who was better And who would have been there's two players that would have been first valid hall of fame Dwight gooden and daryl strawberry. Yeah, and Dwight gooden

He only had two pitches He was like look i'ma throw you the fastball or a curve And you are not you are not going to be able to hit him That what was his rookie season? He was like 20 and three or something. How old was he? He was 19 Night fucking team ladies and gentlemen 19 Dwight gooden was the most um, but you know cocaine fucked him up But he was better than clements when they both pitched when they wouldn't eat when he wasn't fucked up

All right, he was better So his rookie year 1984 Wow, Jesus 17 and 9 with a 2.6 era uh Seven complete games three shutouts He had they wouldn't allow that now now they'd be like, oh you 100 pitches. You got to sit down Seven complete games

218 innings Uh, 276 strikeouts Baseball has changed. You know like everything else. Yeah, the NBA changed the strategy the game has changed But but Dwight gooden for a 19 year old rookie. Oh Dwight gooden was he was amazing. He I mean he Dwight gooden was like What did we just witness last week? What did we just witness with the six games we witnessed how many games they play five six I gotta say it was five my brother called it my brother called it my brother said man

The Mets can't catch the ball. He said it's gonna fucking catch up He said sooner or later It's gonna catch up to him and when they start when first you had the uh, well The bad omen was cespidus on the first hit Into the outfield when cespidus misplated and it was an influx inside the park home run That was kind of like god saying yeah, this ain't gonna go. Well, no Daniel Murphy ball goes through its legs because he doesn't get but it was it was fundamental shit The ball went through his legs because he didn't get the glove on the ground like when you're a little league kid

What do they teach you get in front of the ball? Put your glove on, you know, you put your knee down you have blocked the ball Then you had cespidus kicking shit in the outfield and they love cespidus throughout the season. Yeah Cespidus was great, but suddenly but cespidus thing. He doesn't die for the ball He reaches for the ball. So if you reach for it and you miss This shit's gonna then then a single turns into a double or triple, you know And that that's what killed the Mets and KC the respect I give KC is every time the Mets made a mistake KC scored KC never let KC a manager. I don't know who who Cincinnati Reds

75 listen Some things get figure when I grew when I was growing up you go to kung fu the first and they teach us a sweep You set the guy up with two sidekicks Now the guy's looking for sidekicks and also and you do a spinning thing He goes for the sidekick and you take his front leg out and he's on his fucking head Everybody was doing that That's what you practice just spinning around the fucking floor and sweeping motherfuckers. They don't do that no more

Well, guess what else people don't do in baseball no more the most important thing in baseball five me With my mind the most the first thing I do if I get a baseball team is the first guy Has to fucking hit singles And he has to learn and he has to steal a k.a. Joe Morgan. Yeah, this is the blueprint Ricky Anderson This is the fucking blueprint. I need somebody who's going to torment pitches. Listen I remember and I tell Lee all the time. There's a classic Cincinnati red game on classic. He asked me and where you could see When they took the pitcher out against the reds like after the lineup had been up against them

Two times like the reds would take you two times. You'd see the same batter two times That's unheard of anything and it was all done with bumps and steals And stupidity. Nobody was hitting home runs for the reds. Eric foster. Whatever. George foster Nobody was a home run hitter. Pete rose was no home run. No, uh, johnny bench could hit Johnny bench could hit a home run That's it. Plumber was no home run. Tony Perez was geronimo was it? They just hit and steal and they stole and they tormented you till the pitcher finally goes. You know what take me out I'm done. I don't need this in my life This is fuck. This ain't baseball. This ain't but this is torment

But even that even that though the Mets like Okay, so you got a guy steal second forget it. There's two outs. Just get the batter out You know what I mean? Fuck the guy they fell apart. They fell apart. They did but they fell apart on fundamental Fundamental shit not turning a double play And this and that's what killed him and and the Mets depend on hitting the home runs And the home run hitters disappeared. Cespidus wasn't hitting it out. Murphy stopped hitting it out Well, did the royals make the playoffs last year? Yeah, the royals lost the world series to san francisco So do you think it was like just they like they weren't ready to be there?

Oh, they said that well one thing is they always say that you learn they say the first time you go Like you think you know, but when you get on that stage when it's that big and everyone's looking at you Some people can handle it Some people can't stop the price is a lot. There's a lot that feels like and jim kelly buffalo bills Right jim kelly went to the super bowl every year Never figured it out Never figured out joe montana went to the super bowl every year never lost fucking Elway went four times lost and then came back and won three or four or whatever elway learned

You know, it's it's I mean, it's big it's big everyone everyone's looking at you the whole world's looking at you And when you play for new york Not only is the whole world looking at you like the new york press Like we will turn on you You know what I mean Pictures of you and shit. What was that song? What have you done for me lately? Fuck last week's home run. What? It's a horrible thing

Remember randy johnson went to the yankees and couldn't pitch the the six foot ten guys from seattle Yeah, he went to the yankees He had never been under that kind of pressure and then he went to arizona and he started pitching again He said he could not handle the pressure of new york press, you know every day I watched something interesting last night when I got home. I stayed up and watched this I know you know about it because you're a sports fanatic. You might have been too young for this I did all my time in boulder when I got arrested and shit. So I was going through I lived in boulder ever since 85 You got to clock me in boulder for being but full time

It was 87 and what are you doing? You're in a town You pay attention to football I paid attention to the broncos at that time And I paid attention to the colorado buffalo. So last night I walk in the house from the comedy store And i'm going through, you know, i'm like, I could go to bed But I like to like unwind a little bit and 30 for 30. Oh, yeah Bill mccarthy. Mm-hmm And I started watching I still remember salamence. He got stomach cancer

And he passed the ball. Lee. This is a fucking great song I mean, then they they lost the national championship to know the game and what they do They came back to this year, but they were three one and one and what happened the fifth down game You remember that? Yeah, we don't remember that Lee five downs and they got away with it And then they attacked the guy because he was a christian and he's like I ain't overtaking the game I spiked it on the fourth down. Who spikes the ball on the fucking fourth down Lee it's fucking amazing. I have forgotten all about that and they got away with it

Yeah, they got away and that this was before replays or anything. Yes. So all you had to do was snap the ball And they got five downs Lee tremendous i'm sitting there going, you know, I was gonna go to bed 1130. Fuck. I'm gonna watch it all the way through But it was they told the two stories at once in which I didn't finish I talked to my buddy today in bolder and we were talking about like That team was amazing and they came back the next year and they beat know the dame on ishmael That was the play rocket fucking won it know the dame had the fucking game, but they called the back

They called the back Lee fucking final player the game about clipping Who gets called back on a fucking punt return clipping in the last play of the game in colorado bustle I don't has anyone been that fast since Rocket is mail What happened to him? Nothing. He's he's around. You know where I saw him on one of those bojaks and Uh football commercials, you know, watch the game with bo. He's on one of those

What team did he go after that rocket? I think he finished his career with dalis I think his pro career ended with dalis. I think he was a raider and then a cowboy I was doing my thing, but he was I blacked out of sports But he was so fast like he would just let he was a little guy, right? He was like what six feet maybe 160 Something like if he was six feet But he would literally run past people like it was amazing like he would just run past people Like they were right there and it was like he's gone. Yeah, that's what chat brown was saying chat brown said I had him simple tackle one, you know tackle 101 I had him

But he broke out of the tackle. Yeah, and chat brown said I felt terrible and I looked up and also become mccarty goes But I did what any good coach did I looked around the field and there it was a flag And we that's what saved us a clipping on no today. I'm the colorado buffal those one, but the daughter This is crazy. I remember I moved to bolder and uh the girl I was dating her family used to go to sacred heart church I started going to sacred heart church and when they go, that's the coach of And he's coming with a with his whole family a couple kids Then the fucking shit started with the daughter. Mm-hmm. She had the kid with the football player that died

But then she decided to have another kid on a football player Then to top it off another kid with a football player This was crazy the same football player or multiple no the first one died So he was hawaiian. He was from ocean side Salah Nessie was whatever those people with the togas and the whole fucking thing Samoan Samoan Togas and then the second kid was A black kid and presumed and she had a white kid Then she had another kid with another football player finally they had to put her in the

My daughter's fucking too many football player witness relocation program and shit But then he started promise keepers and the whole fucking thing and you know you christianly No, okay. Just asking just I didn't know if you were a promise keeper. You know, right? So when the fuck did you start comedy Alonzo 18 women? Yeah, what the fuck made you go? I'm going to california from queens. I I grew I went to aviation high school in long island city Got my licenses to fix airplanes and Lockheed which used to be right over here in Burbank hired me They hired me they said you get the la you got a job waiting You know, so you know all I had to do was tell that to my dad

18th birthday got a trunk to pack my shit in a one-way plane ticket. Happy birthday. You're a man So and I came out here when did you decide to go to that high school? Uh, when I was what happened my my boy's dad worked for twa And he had a new Cadillac every year And I didn't like school I was good at school, but I didn't like it and he said listen I fix airplanes and I make a lot of money it's a good job And he said all you got to do is go to this school get your licenses and you can do this

And I was like, okay, and and now when I look back You know how crazy that shit is to be 14 and make a decision of what you're going to do, you know I mean like a career decision, but you know back in new york They had lee they had high schools for anything they had there was aviation. There was automotive There was queens vocational where you could learn shit like plumbing and electrical and stuff There was the famous one was performing arts really they're performing arts, you know for they had a Bergstrom, which was like a business school like they had that you could go to high school Almost and specialize in what you wanted to do

And you had to take tests like you had to get in it wasn't like you could just Walk in that's why all of that's gone now because they did away with the testing So but anyway, I guess so I got hired by Lockheed. I moved out here. I started building airplanes Shit was good and then Um After about 10 years, I was training new guys and making them laugh And I said I want to start comedy and that's what that's what that's how it came about from training Now when the truck come in

The fucking truck would you drive that was after I got okay, so i'm working for mcdonald douglas And I do comedy my first time and then I get laid off by mcdonald douglas, right? So now I don't I don't have a job, but I don't want to fix airplanes again And I'm looked like you're doing anything, you know, you're fucking hustle listen I I fucking painted addresses on the curb now what you know, this is 93 93 Wow, okay, and then when my boy called me about power rangers I went and did it and this is when the show first started. Okay. This was when it was a pilot and the first six episodes I worked as a camera truck driver and

For whatever reason The producer is this guy named jonathan secor really cool guy He liked me so the show goes so they do the six episodes then it goes away Then it comes back and he calls me up and he's like You know, I love you you work hard, but I want you to be transportation captain And i'm like all right, let me call you back and I call my boy wane. I said wane What the fuck's the transportation captain? He said take the job you'll figure it out

He said all you got to do is you're in charge of parking the trucks and all that shit I was like, all right, so I took the job and I went back to power rangers and then they knew I was doing comedy And the producer said look you always got a job here So if you go on the road for a week or two, we'll hire day players We'll get someone to drive the truck But when you come back, it's your job and that was that's how I paid my rent For four years until I went to new faces in montreal And you know, that's when I got my break and went full time. She was doing comedy up here the whole time

Yeah, I started in LA I started I tell everyone I started in LA because I didn't know I wasn't supposed to You know because because they always say you can't start in LA. You got to start somewhere and come I always thought you were in new york comedy. No, I'm a new york guy. I grew up in new york, but I started in that way Where would you go in those days? Oh, fuck where was like we were getting up we were getting up what it was like there were bookstores and and shit like that coffee shops, but um Um Club-wise there wasn't many clubs I used to get up at Igby's which I don't know if you were here when Igby's was in business

I used to get up at Igby's. I used to where was Igby's Igby's was on west side. It was on pico good club Yeah, it was there for a great club. Yeah, and then there was uh the LA cabaret up here in Encino And I used to get up there. Yeah ray used to run that Where was the mbc man? No ray had a ton of money though ray inherited hospitals Like that's why the club was so shitty They said because ray didn't need the money because he inherited like two hospitals from his parents or some shit So but anyway, yeah, I used to get up there And then I used to get up there used to be um, there was a bowling alley

In like woodland hills or some shit. I remember that was a canola. Yeah They still were doing comedy years ago used to that and then there was a woman named victoria dushoff And this woman loved me and victoria manager. Yeah Victoria used to do have comedy shows in places you never should have like she would get hotel room Lobby rooms. I remember we used to do comedy. I used to do this with shang me and shang were laughing about this We used to work at the Hyatt next to the comedy store You know we do comedy in the ballroom at the hotel next to the comedy store like how how close and far away from a dream Victoria dushoff. She died. Victoria dushoff. She died. She was she was great though

She used to have a Wednesday night at the holiday in by lax And you do the show in the bar and and half the room would be germans because it was like a tour company that brought Germans every so half of the bar didn't understand a word you were saying but you couldn't make fun of them because they were You know big business for the hotel But yeah, victoria was great and then I that was back when I hooked up with rudy marino Rudy started me in the east la all of the Mexican rooms and all that. Yeah the brave bull and and um What was it? Tortillas you have to do tortillas fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so rudy had all that shit going

But yeah, I would that was the grind back then. That's what you did Oh my god, all these years. I thought you were in new york mountain I didn't cross paths We did we did we did we did yeah, we I worked a lot of rudy You know when I came to town I did a couple spots at the impromptu right off the bat the comedy store passed me But everybody when I got here Everybody said you got to call rudy. Yeah, and I called rudy rudy room returned my fucking cause

So I got my car one night and I drove down to this fucking place on the friday night. I know who's rudy Yeah, I remember the brave bull. Yeah, the brave bull and I went out and I go you're rudy. I'm joey d is Hey, I was in the court. No you weren't gonna I go since you're not gonna give me a gig. Let me do a guest spot And he booked me. He used to pay 35 bucks or something on friday nights You want their fridays and salaries for 35 bucks? You know, what the but I tell people like you ain't you're not a comic if you haven't done a rudy marino gig Yeah, no, no, no, everyone's done rude like like fucking george lopez has done rudy marino gigs

You know what I mean? Like paul rodriguez everybody Has done some rudies to just fucking run He used to have the irish bar in front of a strip club. Yeah That little irish park there for a while monday night or something. That was great. Yeah rudy had the casino Yeah, he the best chinese food was commerce. Yeah commerce casino. Yeah rudy, you know And those days were fun. That was when um, that was when fluffy started like I remember working with gabe When gabe was making a bicycle the bicycle club on thursday night 35 hours 50 bucks You gotta come the next day and pick it up by me and him we're talking about that

You know, I saw him a couple of years ago And we were we were talking about that because we knew even then we were like man This fat kid is fucking amazing. You know because because everyone loved him, right? He had that fucking That magic that everyone loved him and uh, but yeah, I mean those were the days man He used to send us a two song once every 90 days. Yeah bugsies and he had the oh my god that you would do the the uh Tempy improv on like tuesday night tuesday night and we stayed in that shitty hotel next to the outlet mall. Oh my Remember those are long this is 15 years ago. Yeah, but you know, but I tell everyone that's how you get good That's how you get good. You have to do that shit, right? You can't you can't get good doing six minutes at the hippest room in hollywood

You you can get on tv you could do this or that But if you want to become a comic you got to do those fucking rooms that that it's just shit and it's grinding And it's you know, I mean like you you got to earn it What baffles me about this whole comedy thing is like a guy with my background nothing In the entertainment I did like an improv class in high school And I knew that when I got into comedy I just knew I I bullshit at the first three years I fucked around the first three years, but I went to new york city And I was doing bouncing around new york comedy club and it was bullshit

It was bullshit, you know, you just trying to get up talking shit trying to meet people You in the back of your mind you're like, you know what these suckers are suckers One night somebody's gonna come and see me. I'm gonna be on cbs. These guys could suck my dick You don't need to work this hard And one night I went to your old triple and some fucking hole in the wall and I see John Like as I'm on that And it blew my mind like I went home and I'm like I get it now and it was two in the morning Yeah, I used to drive a limo it was two in the morning

I just stopped in there to sound my name on the list to see if I could do seven minutes or something in those days For people drinking alcohol was at the last stop till four was an open mic from midnight to 4am or some shit Are you fucking crazy? You know And that changed me I went back to Denver. I went right back to square one and a lot of people Bill bird just went off a couple weeks ago. Did you hear that thing on alternative comics? And he Somebody sent it to me and I never listened to links and for some reason I wanted to hear what the fuck he had to say

And he goes it's so weird The real comics are the ones that go into these rooms and clean up their mess. Yeah, he goes That's an old clip. He said that years ago. No, but no, he just said this recently in the park I remember saying he was talking about how he goes into these rooms and the same alternative comics like hey Can I go up before you? I have a spot at some coffee shop and he's like, fuck you do your fucking spot You know, what the fuck is wrong with you don't want to follow nobody And it's I paid my dues like that's what I'm even talking about when I go into that

Audition room for acting. Hey, listen, I know acting is a big commitment but again I don't see fucking Don Cheadle doing the halftime of a saber game Oh, man, you understand me that changed my fucking life that gave me legs that used to the laugh factory That used to happen jamie. I did the open mic And jamie hired me as a doorman, right? And he said look when people don't show up or whatever you do drop in spots You know, you can get up five minutes to say that

And they throw you on it's like Damon way and it's just finished. All right go up Like I learned because you had to go up after the best, but that's what made you good That's what fucking made you good. You had you had to go up. You never knew Who you would be following? I remember one night It was it was a fucking sunday night. This is before I think it was before chocolate sundays But it just happened to be on a sunday night And chris rock and chris tuckert had both gone up on the same show And they put me up at the end

And I and I was correct because they and the funny thing was they were both complaining about their families asking them for money And I and I said man If I'm ever making ten million dollars a year and complaining about making money Somebody come kick my ass and the fucking crowd lost it the crowd cried because we were all like the fuck You know, this was when they were both Just starting to well chris rock was already there, but it was when tucker I think chris tucker had just done rush hour or some shit like that, but um Yeah, that's how you get good. You know when we did last comic standing

We had this talk one time and because you had some comics Who had come up? Through the ranks like me and heffron and kathleen madigan and kori hulkham You know who did all this shit and then you had other comics Who like gary goman had worked with dane cook a lot? So he was getting it. He was opening for dane. So he was working A rooms because you know because of dane and bonnie had come in through the alternative And they were talking about how the audience should be supportive

And help you grow and stuff and it was like yeah, that all sounds good But when you're doing a fucking biker bar in montana on wednesday night A triple one then you yeah, then you you'll ask better be funny like that. There's no There's no support. You know what i'm saying? There's no there's like yeah What's that website called funnier die those shits with like yeah, this is literally funnier die This is literally funnier die Those things and then they start heckling you got nowhere to go man I remember doing a fucking road house in bowmont, texas

And ripping on this big red deck and then when he when he left They were like it's about time someone went off just because he runs the clan around here. I'm like what the fuck what? And that's when after the show you can't stay in town That's the great there was a bowmont texas always had a comedy scene and bowmont texas is It's on the border It's on i cop coke one night In a fucking terrible neighborhood in bowmont bowmont's a bowmont. It's a rough fucking town. Oh my god You go you go to janice joplin museum. There's like a there's like a pair underwear

A fucking pillow. She slept on who needs to see this shit But bowmont used to have a club that was owned by a black couple They were engineers and they took their money and they opened up a black club And they did it for a few years and they got rid of it and they opened up slayed ham. Yeah Yeah slayed over there with his buddy And that club was lee. It was fucking crazy It was crazy Well, what happened?

Every time I went down it was crazy. See alonzo's a nice person, you know, he don't drink Every time I went to bow, that's why I owed deed on the valium. I read I retired That's what you think. I don't do it. I retired. I fucking ate 30 valiums in three days and drank shatya yagamai So there was one point I heard I laid down on the stage and shit Come on guys. That's not my fucking bag. It was terrible But it's just but I remember one night they're like, you want to get bloody after going to this weird neighborhood And they're like, it's kkk. So you have to sit in the car and we'll go in there and get the coke from the kkk Shit like that alonzo, you know what I'm thinking about just now

You were there the night that they call the cops on me When they caught me and that chicks pussy at the fucking In the freezer in the freezer the man has no respect that she had no respect Until he had no respect. We were talking to those girls In the alleyway the place was so packed That was well, that's one of the legendary stories of doublins back then because doublins was the spot back then Doublins was the fucking the reason why you and I were in the hallway was because there was literally Literally and I'm not talking about this in a nowhere to stand

In those days you had to see this place on a Tuesday night. Yeah across the street was karaoke, right? Which was a Miyagi Miyagi or you could eat sushi. Yeah You're fucking crazy Lee. This is great that the place that's now dead You and I always stopped there and a lady Roller skates across the street right there. Yeah that place on a Tuesday night Lee would be like fucking It just be like the kingdom you couldn't get you couldn't get in Lee, you know could it be in between Miyagi? I don't know one night some girl called me on a friends and when she goes. Where'd you go last night? Where'd you go after whatever night? I went home. I went to the store. She goes. We went across the street and fucking

Whitney Houston was there bobby brown and she said she sang This is crazy. This is after a comedy doublins at doublins fucking Was it jesson timberlake used to drop in and all these super stuff But but joey d with no respect for our fucking food Is banging a chick in the freezer Or she was blowing you a no Here's the crazy in the freezer. Lee. It's me. I haven't really I've only heard Of the story here's the thing here's the thing about doublins. We didn't get paid, you know, we worked for free food

That's what we worked for and joey had no respect No, I mean This is what happened I got on stage had a follow dane. I bombed. I had to go up before dane. You just bombed. They were there to see dane And it was willy barsana. Yeah, joe rogan Willi barsana and joe rogan stayed in the room I went into the hallway with you and the asian dude with the long head that ran that club Next to the fucking double. Yeah. Yeah, that was the main club

Five years before that right on sunson on tuesday night. It was first. What was that got ace? Ace there you go I'm dropping fucking shit on him last night from 1973 I'm gonna it was ace you and four or five girls talking ace always had broads with him Yeah, always ace was a good-looking dude that had long hair. He was asian He was just one of those dudes that didn't have one chick with him. He always had a chick and two of her friends So that gig was how long though talking to the one and I'm minding my business. I'm an ugly dude I got no confidence

I don't I'm minding my business and the girl comes over And she had like her shirt open And I'm like, this is not good and I could see she's doing bluff And I wasn't coked up because joe rogan was there. I don't do coke when joe rogan's around just out of respect for him So I don't need to hear it I'll have it in my pocket dying Dying I ain't gonna lie to you dying can't wait for joe to go home. Wait. Aren't you gonna go shoot poo and joe? I couldn't wait in those days. I couldn't shake that motherfucker in those days

Let's go to jerry's doughy. What the fuck So I don't know what I didn't have no coke. I had no coke at all. I had no money I had no fucking dough guys. I had maybe 10 bucks or something And the girl starts talking to me and she goes I got a little bit Well, let's go do it. What we're gonna do. We can't go to the bathroom. We can't go to the car. We can't walk through here Lee, you couldn't walk through the fucking you couldn't leave. I'm telling you there was waitresses. It was something you never saw before So I go, what's downstairs?

I can't go. What do you mean you can't go downstairs? You got a coke. Yeah, let's go downstairs. We go downstairs and we go into the freezer We look around we see the freezer But there's beer in there and shit And we start talking and she goes in and bam she takes out an eight ball dog And she's bumping and I'm bumping and she's putting mama you come here on to me too to a fucking freezer Why don't you get them in the freezer? You got it. You got some a tit shot in those days There was no cameras. You couldn't take pictures of that pussy. It's like that's a what I'm on the other

So I don't know one thing led to another one. I give that a coke rocking your pussy. She's like, no, nobody's having nothing Who's the pants? She took her pants down. I put that that did not work that line work I'm telling you the fucking story. You you got to you got to understand How crazy doublins was doublins was crazy. It was and it would and hottie it was so full of hotties I mean it was crazy women. Yeah Craig before it was doubling. There was a place two doors down That got so popular with hot women that comics were demanding to perform there on tuesday nights

Like fucking calling and it was just it was I met I met was yeah, I met a man and and j. Davis This was way before fucking doublins. This was way. There was a room two doors. It was two doors down in the basement It was in the basement and and then they moved it upstairs to doublins There you go in the basement. I was before them in the fucking thing next door. So she took her pants down. What happened? I put the coke right on the pussy I licked it. I fucking fingered it and tried to smooth it in there and as I went to lick it again They opened the door the hindu door man And the black dude and the big white dude

And they said we got you on camera and they already called the cops and police are on their way And they took us both upstairs. She started crying. I've never done this before but at the time You know me dog. I took the eight ball and put it in my suck. I ain't giving that motherfucker murder So when upstairs The guy says stay right here. I'm gonna call the police. I called the police. They should be here any minute But there was jam sunset was jammed in those days on tuesday night even the fucking Even the live factory was packed and this and the comedy store was a fucking joe toy. It was joe toy This was sunset was mobbed in those days

So, you know what what happened some guy so all this is going down woolly bar center comes up with joe rogan Joe rogan goes what's going on? They go this kid got caught doing drugs and sexual things and the fuck we got it on tape So joe's giggling. I go joe he goes take a hundred bucks Just in case when you get down and call me. Let me know what's going on And all of a sudden joe goes in And I look up and I see rafi may wander across the street He's just finishing the sushi like a mother

And he comes to us and I go go get your car. He goes, what are you talking about? I go go get your car He goes, I can't I have a showcase for cbs. Go rafi go get your fucking car The cops are gonna come and arrest me go get the fucking car and turn it around So when he went it was right there He went started it and turned it around and dog. I just fucking got in the car. We went down the street Boom, we got the fuck out And then I heard I remember that yeah This is crazy league

And then he fucking wrote it on the website And I started dating my wife and my wife one day said to me do you know the fucking Did you get caught After doubling eating some chick's pussy. Are you banned from there because me and bryan holsman Are the only people that have banned from there You put that on the website j davis did j there was there was so much good this league This is when this is when dane was becoming famous. This is when dane was moving from You know college club comic to like fucking arena

Rockstar so every tuesday The place was packed, but it wasn't just dane. It was like he said you'd have drop-ins Like fucking joe rogan j more Chappelle I mean the list goes goes or everybody worked at fucking rozan dropped in and did spots at doublins everybody dr. Ken Fucking craig robinson ralphie may Everybody came to doublins every tuesday. I would go up after dane every night

Because nobody wanted to follow dane and I didn't give a shit because it had started with the open mic And I would be up there with a notebook So I would just go up after dane's like fucking rockstar thing and I would just sit on the stool And start fucking doing crowd work and fucking with people and we were there every week. We had we had a ball That was that was the most creative time I ever had in comedy What do you guys think makes like a show like that because there's We're in l.a. There must be thousands of comedy shows a week You know what it was it was it was one of those things where

It just came together. It just happened I don't even know why it just happened organically like it was just the energy and people You know, you know why it was so great because it was where the pros went to work out and everybody knew it because it was like an open mic For pros and guys who like you had to have talent to work there. Like I said, if you look at the roster Of doublins from what was that 15 years ago 12 15 years ago? And then look at hollywood today And how many guys are on sitcoms and movies or what do you know what I mean that we were learning we were coming up That was before I did last comic when I did last comic after that

I had fucked around and done so much crowd work at doublins. They were like, oh, we didn't know you could do like regular stand up Like they thought that was my whole act. They thought that's all I did was sit on a chair and fucking talk and um That was when dr. Ken would come in And do the fucking music act and shit like that, you know, and then next thing, you know, he's in the hangover And you're like, wait, isn't that the guy From doublins? Like that's the way it was. It was yeah, it was crazy. It was crazy. It was not me. Lee at all I went there twice. There was some guys who didn't like you know, you know who hated it bobby kelly Bobby always hated I

It wasn't my scene. Lee they they were younger. I was really dirty. It just didn't work They I went in there one time and had a showcase for an agent And I'm not in there. He's a big time now the other day I bumped into him This is why it's and he came up to me after and he goes, I love it He goes when you come back after the holidays, I want you to do the paperwork bring headshots And it was I got an idea for a character. We're gonna put a handcuff on you and a suit and you're gonna be a lost Blues brother I got a deal to pitch this to I never called that dude. I didn't want to be a lost blues

Right dog And that was the first time I went in there and then I got called in again one night I went down there were rogan and willy bar center I bombed I ate the chicks pussy the cops came on everyone back again But I knew it wasn't my spot Lee. Do you think do you think if you Could do it now. Do you think you could do the room now? Oh now I could do the room now I'm experiencing of how to handle it. I know how to get myself out of that bind But here is the thing and jay has been trying to recreate that room ever since

But you can't recreate it lightning don't strike twice. It was just a matter of It was a you know, it was just one of those things It's like when sign felled and and drew carry and leno and all those guys talk about the new york improv You know when they talk about the improv back when they were starting out and how they would be It's the same thing doublins was just that place at that time But you can't redo it You know, it's an interesting question you asked that the first experience I had like that was walking in I started comedy in june of 91

and and Maybe august of 93 I got the balls one night on a monday night and went down to the boston comedy club I remember the boston on monday nights lee in 1993 This this is it was 400 300 people. What the fuck it's sad people a line A fucking line, but where's it's new york? It was in the village in the village. I mean leo line You know, there was two four comedy clubs and that you know, but that one it was jay more and dave chappelle

Yeah, and nick depolo and salicia michaels. You like i remember going in a monday going. Oh my god All these guys have been on club mtv. Yeah, that's the big show that it was club mtv And the other one ain't on a unique half hour comedy half hour comedy hour So that's how you got to recognize these guys But you went home and go wait a second Why were there 300 people that are lying around the corner? It's monday night You can't explain it You can't explain it. You could take strippers and get cakes and give out free shrimp

And if the room don't have that magic the room don't have that magic Frazier had that when he had frazier smith after midnight. Do you remember that show? No, no Frazier used to have a show on friday nights at the lab factory and and it was It was on the radio. I think i want to say it was klsx radio But everybody would be there everybody was there from fucking, you know from the lakers to ron jeremy You know what i mean? Like you never knew who would drop in fucking rock stars porn stars basketball players Frazier smith after midnight was hot as shit and then the radio station changed the format and they cut the show

And then he tried to do it a couple of other times, but it was like nope. That was it You know, nobody knows why those shows and you could get a publicist And you could make people, you know pay people to come to your club and make believe they're having a good time This is the other way around These people coming to your club to let people know they're cool Yeah, and hit that's when it's like stealing one and you could see the difference You could see when someone i'm paying, uh, you know Liberace to come to your fucking club and when i'm paying liberace because he wants to be there

You could see the difference in people. Have you got any offers for that? Oh, yeah, yeah people contact me all the time come down. We'll give you 10 grants to the bar. No Nobody offers me no fucking. Really? I would have thought somebody would have fuck. No I want to go hang out with somebody for time like that. You mean Oh, no, no, no, I know what you're saying. I just like just make an appearance like open a restaurant or something No, no, no, no, no. I'm too embarrassed to do something like that Let me give some shout outs here. It's 346 Gilberto Juarez

John de Bruge Don wrangler Keith browner Tommy easter, I see your mother fucking down at the storm making it happen One by one podcast dr. Gonzo Alex reigning and my girl stephanie Rivera, what are you fucking nuts or what? What are you kidding me? Oh, fucking what?

Thomas, he's just good on periscope. He does like a southern version of you kind of Tommy easter's he's living in a van. He does two sets tonight at moray's comedy club with some man on sunset He takes showers at the store. He's living the dream. Don't that's the dream right there. Where you're gonna get that type of respect? Taking showers out there in the open. He looks good. He looks healthy. Yeah, and he's fucking trying I got to give him all the respect in the world. You look at that type of shit when you're a comic you I can't I can't do that. We did it. We did it. Yeah, if you started over today, it's like I don't even know how I don't know where to fucking start. I wouldn't know if you came to me today and said joey I want to do comedy where the fuck do I start? I don't even know coffee shops into the name

I mean, they're out there, but I don't know where it goes to a place on tuesdays And it's a sandwich shop in burbank. They they have websites with all the open mics You just put in your zip code Really? Yeah Yeah, let's see the open mics in the neighborhood. Okay Let's see what the fuck's going on in this motherfucker here I remember that having a list on my wall. Mm-hmm And having monday or you know every night, you know every night where to go on monday where to go

Monday tuesday wednesday and there was like the list i would go to remember this this is funny Remember when you used to dream about working on the weekend? Oh my god I tell i tell me all the time remember you used to dream now you dream about a weekend off But you used to dream like man one day i'm gonna do friday One day i'm gonna do friday you'd be funniest shit on wednesday. Oh my god I tell these guys that you come on i get home on a fucking wednesday night and i'd bomb To all three sets, you know

And i'd fucking get a bag of blow and i'd open up just the labs the magazine back And in the back i'd circle all the clubs i was gonna get i was gonna work someday like these Gonna fuck these people they didn't like me tonight. They had a bunch of cowboys I would give myself an excuse and then go this is some day i'm gonna work to fucking seattle fucking Underground kill that motherfucker my god zilla joke and shit. They're gonna understand my god zilla joke I find it's crazy. This is new It's uh, what's tonight for tonight? There's the ha ha The oyster house in studio city

How do they do comedy at the oyster house? I know that's up on more park. I know what it is sabah sushi in la flat and uh flat birds the comedy store Hollywood hotel the clown house the lexington the grand fee market rudies bahog wheel being seen as preso and the slip bar Hey, they got some action going if you really want to be a comic you look and you look at that thing and you go There's 18 fucking

Well, you know listen, you're not gonna go to the comedy store There's what you could as a beginner comic you look at that list realistically And there's four really good sets for you. But you knew where they were right You knew which open mics were good and then which ones were well the only way to realize is to go down Yeah, you go But I mean once you get in the loop once you get in the loop of doing open mics You'd always learn like my thing was I always wanted to talk to somebody who was on the next level That was always my thing

So if i'm doing free open mics, I wanted to talk to somebody who was doing the $20 rooms And be like how the fuck you get there like how do you get how do you get 20 bucks? You know what I mean like how do you get oh man? How do you get 50 bucks? How do you get a friday? You know that was always my thing chasing it chasing the next level Well, you go out it's funny how it works man. You go out some nights and I always had a motto when it came to comedy nothing happens on the couch Yeah Once you realize from the year

Two to the year 10 you're gonna be out every fucking night once you get that through your head and make your life a lot easier Thanksgiving you got two sets How's that for you? Not because of Thanksgiving because you're gonna make yourself two two sets, you know If not, you're just gonna fall asleep there. It got to the point where It was an addiction for me to get up on stage like I I you know I know that it is to have an addiction to wake up and the first thing you think about and that's what I tell young comics If you're not waking up going who where the fuck am I getting on stage tonight? Comedy is not for you when people ask me why I'm not married. Why don't I have kids?

I tell them because I started comedy at 30 Right, so that's that's when people starting to and you you don't even think about getting married It looked like I got to get up. I got to work. This is it's an obsession. Like you said, it's an obsession It's all you got to do and you wouldn't you know, you do it all the time and then you look up and then you're 40 But fuck you're good now You know, but that that's the way it was and and I still When you eliminate all the bullshit, right? Because it's just So many layers of bullshit you have to deal with whether it be

you know Bookers or agents or egos or or this that or the other When you get on stage That's that's when it's pure. That's when it's real that you when when chappelle went through all that shit when he went to africa And blah blah blah when he came back and he did that interview on inside the actors studio And he talked about when he got back on stage and he just was like i'm home like you know, i'm okay Like I I knew exactly what he's talking about. You know that feeling When you get on stage when you walk on stage anything going on outside of that

And I know you you've been doing this as long as me so you longer so you know You got you got a fucking death in the family You got a relationship to just ended, you know, you got like whatever real life shit is going on around you gone And you're working I love the work. I fucking I love the work And I get in my head like how many shows have I done where I'm like, hey, you know some The only guy on this show not a fucking millionaire. What do I do wrong? You know what? I mean, you you know, you had those moments, right?

Well, you're working with five fucking superstars and you're like, wait a minute the fuck I got the shitty locker all the way down the These motherfuckers got champagne in that room. I got an apple But when you're on stage None of that shit matters right because that's that's the game. That's the uh That it's pure. I love it. I fucking love it still Still I love it. I I love it. Sorry man. That's mine. There's bits and parts of it I had a great time at the store last night. I love working on

I love going to the store and there's 60 people. Yeah on a Tuesday, you know Friday and Saturday I want the place to be sold out But for the last three months you go to store on tuesday night. There's 300 people man You can't try fucking new shit on stage. You got to stick the whole reliable And everybody's been up there. So you got to come up with your a shit or not You're gonna die a slow death And I miss going up there fucking around You know, I miss

You know, you have an idea but then when you take it to the stage become something else. Oh, shit And you can't you know, sometimes you're like, oh, I'm gonna go do another set sometimes You know what? Let me go home and write this. Yeah, gotta write it down before I forget Let me write this motherfucker down word for word I used to I used to remember yelling that in the crowd like, what did I just write that down? What did I just say, you know, just so somebody would fucking remind me? You know, yeah, I'm the way out the way Oh my god, it's such a great animal. I'm not, you know

I can't believe I survived 24 years I can't believe I can't believe I have a screen actor skill. I can't believe it I can't believe it. Like I'm a joke. I made a union for something Like remember growing up people in the union in the union. I'm in the actors union. It don't mean dick You know nothing if I put it in my shoe, nobody don't give a fuck 20 years ago. You had a union card You go to movies for free. Yeah. Yeah headshots 50% off show up with a fucking union card now They give you nothing That's not true. I get discount parking at the airport. Do you really?

The parking spot gives you 20% off if you have a sad car What's the parking spot with the yellow with the yellow polka dots? What do you got going on lately, uh, what do I got going on I um I got a pilot there. Uh, they're shopping with sci-fi So fingers crossed on that my new showtime special historically incorrect. It's going to be out in february Okay, just recorded that in may and um Grinding Alonzo Bowden.com check it out. Follow me. I love doing this Wake up in the morning. You have a drive in california and you can't believe you're still here

Like you look at a palm tree every now and then man every now and then shit hits you and you're like, this is fucking unbelievable I tell people all the time it beats honest work You know, I used to do honest work, you know what I mean? Well, you get up you go to the fucking plant You punch the time clock and you fucking build airplanes all day And then you go home and tomorrow you do it again You know that's fucking honest work and this shit beats the hell out of honest work Why do you hate doing that? My cousin did that for the air force, but he hated it So he no it wasn't a matter of hating it. It wasn't a matter of hating it. It was a good job

It was just that I had something else in me that I didn't even know about Oh, okay, you know what I mean? Like the comedy thing I didn't know about like like if I had known Sometimes I think if I really want to mind fuck myself I think wow, what if I had started when I was like 20 when I you know in 1982 When the fucking boom was about to you know, I mean like would I be a fucking millionaire today? I remember George Wallace who's one of my fucking heroes in comedy We were at the laugh factory and you know, I'm doing it if he's like man, you good He was around in the 80s. You'd have made some money

But uh, you know, that's that's um I was out in 84 dog. Oh, yeah Comedy wasn't Even in my fucking brain, right? I didn't know where to start or who to call. I knew nothing It wasn't even close to But I knew I didn't like california. Yeah, so I knew I wasn't gonna end up here. You know It's funny you said about there was two things you said that were pretty interesting One that you wanted to that you're still single, you know, yeah

Listen man, when I got into comedy, I read that fucking crazy book With that crazy jewish comic the one that lived in the fucking chelsea hotel and shit And he did heroin and he he hung out with jazz musicians at night and the lenny bruce And I gotta tell you that was that was what pushed me over the top was having no responsibility Being able to come and go when I please that's how I was raised. You know, I had kids and a wife That's the least of my fucking aggravations when I got into comedy. That's why I got into comedy not to have that at all I thought I was going to be like uh charles bruntz and one of his movies

He died alone in his little room and death wish or whatever whatever movie was in the hard times or whatever That's what I always thought man All right, and now I got a little baby and a wife and you said great Yeah, I'm you don't know whether it's gonna fucking this journey's gonna take you one of the things I tell like when I'm young comics Because because it's funny like in the past five six years. I've become the old guy Like remember when you were the young guy when you used to ask advice and now they come to you And I tell them if you got a wife or you got a kid I said good for you. You got something real. I said never forget that shit's real. This is all bullshit

That's real fucking love that and hang on to that. Don't fuck that up No, but but do this so good for them, but it's it's something I didn't do or haven't done yet or whatever, but uh But I respect it, you know You know I'm trying to write a book and I wrote something about a month ago and I looked at that I forgot I had wrote I wrote on this thing. I have lip-lift and it was about Uh dropping my daughter off. I have a daughter at 25 that we don't talk And when she was five I was just starting to do comedy. I had just gotten

The the vision like I hadn't started already. I had been doing comedy 18 months, but I was dicking around I wasn't really working. I read the Judy Carter book. Yeah, I was doing little things I had one two-go joke, but the rest of the time I was just bullshitting myself. This was something I was just killing time But once I went to new york and took a good look and what I needed to do I said fuck this. I went back to colorado and colorado was real The worst going on me and the wife didn't get along. I mean I was getting hot like I was getting hot with this bro was pushing my buttons

And I made a deal with myself every wednesday and sunday was when I had it And before I'd pick her up I'd roll a joint and I put in the trunk of the car under the tie And I pick up my daughter and have the best time when I drop her off And it would break my heart when I drop her off I'd wait for them to pull away and I go on my trunk. I take out the joint. I go on route 36 And I'd shoot at them when I'd smoke that joint and sometimes I'd cry and sometimes I wouldn't But I'd force myself to go to an open mic that started at eight That followed a line dancing class in 1990 fucking three just to

Get me out of that dark place. It was crazy and I did drugs later that night. Don't get me wrong But a lot of people wouldn't do that. They get depressed and go to fuck home and drink I forced myself those to go out especially on those visitation days. That's how I got over the visitation So as I dropped her off, I fucking was headed to an open mic and on the drive I digest what happened. I'd process it And I'd fucking let that rage out on stage and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't But it made me a comic. I think about how I worked with that pain. That's what you were talking You know, what's his name? Brett fogg his father died. What'd he do that night?

He threw five fucking touchdowns. Did he not he was pissed. He was hurt. Whatever he was He played the game. Yeah, most people said my you know, most people your father died You're not playing tonight. You're right. I can't think this motherfucker said, you know, he's like I have to play this is what you do I have we do. Yeah, we have to get up We have to get there's so many nights, especially listen. I'm not the spring buck I was you know, when I was 38 and I was doing comedy. I would leave the house Yes to do comedy but number two to get my fix So it was a it was a twin and that was part of it. The way to get my fix was to get on stage

That's the only thing that justified me doing what I did So now I don't do anything So when I got 1145 spot Alonso, I'm 52. You know what I'm saying? My fucking I'm tired. I need an aspirin and shit I gotta take like a fucking energy drink or a coffee. That's the other thing. I never did anything I got I got sober five years before I did comedy You know, so I've never done comedy high. I've never done it drunk Like I've been sober the whole time. You're a fucking gentleman. And uh that one now I tell people I was telling Joe I said I fucking timed it wrong

You know, I should have went to rehab right after last comic stand and I'd have been a fucking star There'd been man the winner of last comics in rehab. I'd still be on TMZ today I Be next to Lamar fucking a Kardashian That's fucking crazy, man, I'm happy you came on today, bro, man. Thank you. Thank you. We've been trying to put this together I love you. I love you. I love you. I'm happy to be here. Lee you fucking talk way too much You got to turn it down or not. No, Lisa I'm at the fucking Portland, Oregon tonight. I'm fucking very excited to helium. You work helium. Yeah

I haven't done helium in Portland. I've been booked three times every time something's come up So now I'm scheduled to be there in May I was supposed to be there in december and they moved me to the Raleigh club So I'm doing Raleigh instead, but uh, I've heard great things about I love Portland Oh, I love the city. I had a lot of friends. It's a man I used to go to Portland like in the mid 90s. You were a shoe downtown Portland is fun. Oh my god Phenomenal now. Yeah now. It's beautiful. Yeah now they they changed this city was like what it was like Where the Joker lived? Yeah in the mid 90s. That's what the joke was cloudy always rainy

But the fucking had to at the buildings and now it's beautiful. There's people out there food trucks. It's alive So I'm gonna be a helium. Where you at this weekend this weekend? I am here I'm up in Lancaster Friday night Lancaster performing arts center and then next week I'm going to Cabo for just for laughs. They're doing a resort week So this is their first time doing it. It's me Pete Corielli Ryan Hamilton and Jim Brewer and a magician named Ben Seidman. Perfect. So they're all week Perfect. Yeah, all right I'm in helium Portland this week and next week at the motherfucking stress factory

In New Jersey, New Jersey. Tell Vinnie I said, what's up? Tell Vinnie my phone hasn't rung What the fuck Vinnie? Yeah, you gotta you know what? It's like every 18 months Yeah, tell Vinnie. Let's give a shout out to your sponsors here tonight number one on it As usual the best. I love fucking on it. You say Joey. Why do you like on it so much? I'll tell you why this morning get up two eggs wheat toast bacon. That's tremendous But don't fulfill my fucking needs. You understand me about two hours in I popped a couple ice cubes and more of the two scoops A hemp forest of chocolate. Bam. I'm fucking there. Maybe a banana a scoop of peanut butter That holds me over to about one or two in the afternoon when you're a fat fuck that means a lot in my world

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Mama Randers don't stand a chance with cops even my own fans like a man to stop I could if I would but I can't I'm hot and you blow. I'm still the man to watch You blow on my left hand Soon as I step out of the boot the cameras pop Cool with it to the can is pop now my hand on the bible understand got your man in the jam again Got my hand in the cup. I'm like goddamn enough I put down the cans and they ran muck my hair pinned Pair skin rubs your spleens crack ribs go through cribs and other things

No sympathy for the king, huh? Cause even talk about your baby crazy Eventually the pendulum swings Don't forget america. That's how you made it Come through with the a mass on spray everything like sam boy. I won't scratch the limbo What's it gonna take for me to go for you to see? I'm the modern day Pablo