Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #336 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: November 26, 2015

Greg Fitzsimmons, Comedian and Host of the "Fitzdog Radio" podcast and The Greg Fitzsimmons Show on Sirius XM, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada. Recorded live on 11/25/2015. Music: Motley Crue - Dr. Feelgood Led Zeppelin - Tea For One  

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to get 20% off of your first order plus all shipping in the US and Canada are free and go to honid.com and use code word church to get 10% off. Lee, nice. I'm fucked up. I survived. Here we go, motherfuckers.

Church of what's happening now, November 26th. My 60th anniversary of being married to my wife. This is how we do it here. Great for Simmons and the house, my main Irishman. Lee Syat. And here we go, we're all dropped up. Full moon, full moon tonight. Is it tonight?

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. Well, that's how you got a fucking party started. You know what I'm saying? You guys want to throw on fucking, you know,

what's those, a fallout boys? Fucking Dave Matthews. I can't stand those motherfuckers ruck out of my barefoot and shit. That shit drives me crazy. Those fucking, get the fuck out of here. We got a black guy playing banjo, barefoot. Him and the fucking fallout boys.

They had the balls to say yesterday, we want to do our music before we become diners. Listen, these dinosaurs will take you and rip you apart, you fucking idiots. What's the last good song fallout boy with it? Do you know Lee? Cause I know you like that music. I have no idea.

No, you don't be fucking lying to me. You went to see Hunger Games part two. You liked that music. It was a decent movie. I know. I had to talk them into doing edibles. You don't have to talk me in. It was a Tuesday night.

I go, are you going to go straight? Yeah. And put up with that fucking nonsense. Straight, go fucking eat some stars and he fucking listened. Good man. What's her name? We blast one out to what's her name?

Jennifer. Oh Jennifer, she's hot. She's hot, huh? She's kind of crazy in these though. Yeah. She doesn't really look. You know who I saw a picture of is a, what's her name?

Fuck. Jennifer Aniston. No. Whoopie Goldberg. Sarah Silverman at the premiere for a movie. Do you see that picture? I didn't know she was so hot. Oh no, she dresses up.

When she dresses up, it's like a whole different person. I had never seen that before. Yeah, it's unbelievable. Sarah Silverman's a good looking little fucking freak. She's beautiful. Yeah, she always dresses down and I had never seen them. Yeah, she dresses down.

Have you seen it? Yeah, what? No, the pictures. What fucking picture? Put that down a little bit. What picture? At her premiere. Who's premiere?

Sarah Silverman. She's got a new movie out. Oh, Sarah does. Yeah, a little indie film. Okay, I didn't know none of this shit. He's talking about Hunger Games, also he's talking about Sarah's. People are talking about Oscar nominations and shit.

Yeah, really good. She did a really good job. You know, she's one of those people that's been around forever. She's like, she's like age. She won't go away. Can't stop it. You know, she's been around with,

you know, when I came to this town, she had just popped in something about Mary. Even though she was just sitting at the whole table listening, she was involved in that movie. That was a great fucking movie. My ass long. But she won't go away. She's always stays relevant.

You know, she always pops. She popped a great HBO special last year. It wasn't as much as great as how she did it at Largo and all that type of stuff. So yeah. She does it her own way. She's like Joey Diaz. Well, how y'all, she's gonna do it.

I got nobody, you know, I got nobody's way to do it. There's the only way you can do it. Yeah. What's up, Irish? Good to see you, man. Fucking Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving.

I've been holding out all week. I've been thinking about fucking pumpkin pies. It's like last Saturday. Like by last Thursday, you're like, man, I can't hold that no more. I need a fucking piece of pumpkin pie. I'm smoking this high cap. I never got into the pumpkin thing.

Yeah, that's my favorite thing in the world. Pumpkin pie. Favorite fucking thing in the world. A little bit of whipped cream on top. Heat that motherfucker up. And you know what? I hated pumpkin pie as a kid. Yeah.

I liked like faggy colors like boys and berry and apple. But when I went to Catholic school, I got stuck with a pumpkin pie once. Oh my God, how fucking good are those? Yeah. And the cheaper, the better. Right, give me that fucking Costco. Like one of those oven ones you cut up.

Oh my fucking golly with some cool whipped. Cool whipped, not even real whipped cream? No, no, no, not cool whipped. The real shit, the can. Okay. Real whipped. I don't fuck real whipped. Cool whipped, that tub of shit.

I'll go to Bodega and buy one of those little Entmans pies, the one the size of your fist. You pop it right out of there. I always wondered what those are. The little pie fillings. They're little pie fillings. It's just like a little mini pie that they had at 7-Eleven.

It's exactly a pie, but it's the size of your fist. And if you're between meals, you need to pick me up, you grab yourself an Entmans pie, apple. They'll throw out in the microwave for you. Really? Pop it out of the tin thing, throw it in the microwave. I've never ate one of those. Yeah, that's great.

Entmans, I don't know what the fuck that is. It's scared, like. Entmans, you never heard of that? Entmans, I heard of, but they have little apple pie? Yeah, little apple pie. It's on the counter, like next to, this is how fat I was. I know what you're talking about.

It's next to those little donuts, but it's just like pie filling. I was always too scared to get it. I was like, I don't know what the fuck that is. I didn't know if you had to bake it or something. I'm always been a hostess apple pie type. Really? That was part of my game growing up.

That's a quick fillin'. That's just nothin' but your shit. That's glazed, yeah. It's glazed with a fuckin' can of Coke. Oh, the dentist is cheering you on. The dentist is like, that's my boy. Shit. That's my motherfucker right there.

That's money in the bank. Oh my God, I love those places. You see him unloading the truck out back, your dentist. You know, now you eat that hostess and it's fucking horrendous. That food is all horrendous. They've taken chemicals out, they've added chemicals in. Remember the hostess cupcake?

Just a plain chocolate with the little fuckin' thing. Yeah, the little swirl. The little swirl, they gave you like a little heavy little dot of fuckin' sperm in there. Now they give you nothin'. It's like some fuckin' little fag with the hip. Shoots a little gun in there with a little fuckin' little, you gotta eat 10 pounds of chocolate

to get to a little fuckin' heavy sperm. It's one drop. Yeah, it's one drop. It used to be the whole load. You get the whole fuckin' load of sperm in there from the guy at the factory. Now I'm not the, some skinny guy caught from the wheat-seg whites.

Yeah, it used to be like a guy, a diabetic, blew a hot thick one inside of a cupcake. Oh, a hot fuckin', those things were, you know, from East Coast, you grew up on those things. And everybody's different, I think. Like South Jersey has tasty cakes in Philadelphia. Up by me, I was more of a, what do I like? I like the...

Ringdings? Rest of the country called them ding-dongs. We call them ringdings. I'm a devil-dog type of motherfucker. Devil-dog. But my all-time favorite was the yo-yos. The chocolate with the cream filled up like that, and you got two in a package,

and then they got dipped in chocolate, the boot. That's diabetics right there. Another one, the dentist is right there, tap on you on the back, give me a little proof, think about it. Give me a Twinkie, you take the cellophane off, the little top gets stuck on it, you get to scrape that off with your teeth.

They tried to stop making Twinkies, and people lost their shit. They picketed, they protested, they wrote letters, they brought it back a year later. I got hooked on Twinkies one night. Twinkies was the first sugar buzz I had, because my mom, I would go to my mom and go, mom, I'm on a school trip,

and instead of just buying me two Twinkies, she'd buy me a box and say, Sharon, what are your friends? Fuck you. Fuck you. You would hoard this next? Listen, I would start eating those Twinkies at 11 o'clock at night, the night before, before the odd couple.

I remember the first All Nighter I pulled on Twinkies, one All Nighter on Twinkies, and instead of snorting like, when you do blow, you do like blow every 20 minutes when you pull it all out of your shit. Guys, this is the funniest fucking story of all time. I pulled an All Nighter on Twinkies one night before we went to Philadelphia,

and Betsy Ross did the fucking letter. Yeah, the letter? Where she made the flag, what the fuck? And we went to see the Nutcracker Suite. My mother bought a box of those, a box of something else, and a box of something else. And it was the first addictive personality that I ever showed.

I did not know it then. I thought about it years later, how I kept watching them. You know, I started with the odd couple, I had a honeymoon, let me eat another Twinkie, then the, the twilight zone. I gotta have a Twinkie for the twilight zone, and this time I'm gonna get two, and some milk to dilute them.

It's a one hour. Yeah, it's a one hour, you gotta get two. And then at one, I watched something else. I had HBO when I was a kid, so I watched something else. You know, HBO was brand new. Oh, HBO, late at night, thank you, Frank, one hour. No, in the late movie, when I was a young man, seven, when that happened, not when I was seven,

when that happened, I was in the eighth grade, so I'm talking about 78, the hot movie at the time they kept playing, that you'd whack off too, was Kentucky Fried Movie, or The Groove Tube. The Groove Tube had a chick that ran across naked with her titties, and you had that big box with three levels, and that's how you got channels in those days, so each one had one to seven,

seven to 21, and 21 to, that was it, that was it guys, that was cable fucking TV, and it had a string connected to the TV. So you had, let's say that that's a TV, you had a string with a box on it, and then it had like levels, so you had zero to seven, seven to 14, and 14 to 21, fucking tremendous. And HBO was 18.

HBO was 18, and you compressed it, that's how you did it, you pressed the fucking HBO, and you got all excited, nobody was around, and that's the first thing I fucking whacked it, was that Groove Tube. But I remember being six in the morning and still eating those Twinkies, and being jazzed up, and not knowing what's going on in your life, but just being jazzed up, and going,

why do I feel this way? And being awake the whole fucking day, and years later, one night I'm sitting there, I think talking to somebody, and they're like, yeah, remember that trip, and I'm like, yeah, the night before was the most interesting night of my life, because I stayed up all night eating Twinkies, and they're like, fuck yeah, you did,

if you ate the whole box of Twinkies, that'll keep you up all fucking night at that age, getting coked up on Twinkies. I suck on a dick, one after the other, little brown, Twinkie dicks. And ever since that time, you know what? If I'm high, and I gotta eat a Twinkie, I'll eat it, but I don't think, I think since that eighth grade,

I think I've had two Twinkies, in 50 years, 40 years. You had your quota, two seconds. What's that? I have to unplug and plug in his mic back in one, for all day. Okay, me too. For you too, I think it's just him, but we'll check. All right, no, something's going on here. Last week we had the echoes, so we just wanna double check

for you people at home and shit like that. No, I just. There you go, pop that back in, boom. Fuck it, check, check, check. Check, check, now we got nothing. Nothing at all, oh wait, there we go. There you go, there you go, Lisa. I got you slipping, cuss, suck it,

I'm making this shit by show. Go ahead. But those are the, I don't know, that's, what else did you remember growing up in Boston? We didn't. New York, I grew up in New York. And what were you eating as a child, after you left? Cause you always ate something at home. Right. But then once you were halfway home,

you were fat, fuck those marshmallow pies. There was these candy bars, they were called the marathon bar. And it was like, it was strings of caramel covered in chocolate and then twisted into a braid. And you fucking, you took a bite of that and your salivary glands opened up like the Hoover Dam. It just, your saliva attacked this piece of chocolate heaven. And you chewed the fuck out of it.

Cause it wasn't like the new caramel where it just, it's goo and slides down your throat. This was caramel you had to earn. You, you were at your jaw chewing on this shit and the chocolate is mixing in with it and the saliva is mixed in and you swallow it and you got to take a break before the next bite. You got to give your jaws a couple of seconds

between sets and they take another bite. And that, you know, that, that's a workout. That was good 15, 20 minutes to eat the marathon bar. Do you guys remember- Whoopie pies? Whoopie pies are the best? Those are still my favorite. So you know that thing, those chocolate caramel, that's a good training thing for young cocksuckers.

Like when they're 18, you got them into the festival and before you could get anybody you got to suck on these for a month. So you really get good job. No, but I'm ready to suck a dick. No, you're not. Trust me. No, it's a second a dick is a marathon.

It's a complete different situation. You just, you know, you've just been blowing fucking guys in high school. We're taking them to the major league. We're trying to get, we're trying to get the big 200 out of these guys. The guys in high school, they just could, they couldn't believe that dick was in a mouth.

Yeah. They had no effort. You know, I never even got a blow job in high school. From a girl? I never even thought of it, from anything, from anything, nothing. I never would even consider a woman giving me a blow job. Never.

Because they're all good Catholic girls. I just didn't, I never thought I'd have the balls A, to ask a woman, B, if I heard a woman suck dick, I would avoid her like the fucking plague in those days. I don't know what it was. Like I never thought, ever, ever, ever. If I had to think back to my first blow job, it's gotta be about 19.

I was working security for a guy, Louis Donato on a massage pallop on 91st street and fucking Kennedy Boulevard up there. Louis Donato was his half wannabe fucking monster guy that talked a big game. So he had a couple of girls and they had like four ships, four different guys at different times. We were all friends.

And you guys were security for two whores? I could get beat up at any time in those days. There was like four whores in there. And one night on a Saturday, he goes, hey man, I'll give you 50 bucks and pick one of the girls to blow you. And I picked this red hat and I was fucking shitting my pants. Like I was just shitting my pants.

I started going in that room and just being like, I didn't know what to expect. I'll never forget, she took a piece of gum out of her mouth and put it on the fucking table before she blew me. It was the most impersonal thing to her. It was the most impersonal situation. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, sexual situations.

Yeah, if that was my 10th blow job, I could feel it. But in the back of your mind, you always think your first blow job is gonna be this fucking thing with angels and birds are getting shot out into the sky. Yeah. And you hear voices. That should never happen for me, you know?

I was like. My first blow job was just the opposite. It was just girl Linda and she was a great girl, but she'd been around town, you know? She was confident, big tits. She called him pride and joy. And she said to me for my 16th birthday, she was gonna give me the best blow job

I would ever have in my life. And she came over to my house, parents were out, it's April, it's a nice spring day. I remember the windows open, little breeze coming in. Linda comes up to my room and she takes my pants down herself. I try to take them off, she stops me. She takes them off. Then she takes the underwear off.

And then she works it on, I mean, she's, I didn't know that a blow job included ball licking, that that was an option. I didn't know that it circled. I didn't know that there was two hands could be cranked on the base, decent size. And she worked it and there was eye contact. There was intent eye contact throughout.

Checking in. She wanted to know how I was doing every second. I'd be so fucking embarrassed. It was unbelievable. Post-coital, I cuddled with her after the blow job. And I feel for you, Joey, that that had to be your first blow job. I gotta ask you something, where is she today?

She has kids and she lives a couple of towns over from where we grew up. I think she did well, I think she married well. You still keep in touch with her from time to time, send her a little Facebook. No. No. It's always good to hit one of those freaks on Facebook

and give them like a little reminder. I have one I'm working now, not because I want to sleep or not, just because she was such a savage and such an animal. And now she's got a kid, but I want to remind her that she's such an animal. So I post this New Jersey, first of all, the last time I had seen this girl

was when Doug Fluley threw the touchdown. And it was just a horror show. I robbed Louis Donato. At this time, she was Louis' boss. She was Louis', what is that, Nanny? And I saw her at Corkies and this bitch had a body. They called her Lori Jack because they said, you know, in those days, she's got the Jack.

Yeah. Everybody said she had something. AC DC wrote a song called She's Got the Jack, which implied she had like AIDS, not AIDS at that time, but like. Ghana Rear, Chlamydia. Ghana Rear, Chlamydia and all that. No, there wasn't even Chlamydia in 79.

In 79, it was just syphilis. And something came out of your dick. That's it. All of a sudden, over the years, they've added all these dimensions and names to throw you off. It all started with funk. The head of your dick swells up.

Blood comes out, you know what I'm saying? The nuts are purple. You go crazy. Yeah, you go fuck people. The good ones, you go crazy. Oh my God, you sit there and go, what did I fuck? What type of animal did I fuck? What planet is she from?

And I'll tell you something, knock on wood. I can be honest on this show, it never happened to me. I just. Shut up. I had crabs. I've gotten crabs. That's nothing. And then I was fucking around with these dirty college girls.

When you mess around with college girls, bro, you're always gonna get something. You're fucking the whole campus. Yeah, you get foot fungus, something. I had this little leakage coming out of my helmet. And then I noticed that both of them, like when I was sleeping with one for a while and then she moved and I started sleeping with the other one,

both of them had this like white leakage from their little monkey. It was Chlamydia, but I wasn't gonna embarrass them. I mean, tell them I just kept white that they kept eating that ass, you know what I mean? This has got nothing to do with Uncle Joey. It's like finding a hair in your hamburger. Who gives a fuck?

Who gives a fuck? You know, people send the hamburger back. But come on. Before you send them hamburger back, think back on how many assholes you licked. Right or wrong. You ever get these motherfuckers? I don't know, there was hair in my food.

Come here, let me talk to you, Muslim. You take the hair out on your proceed. You're gonna send the sandwich back and now they're gonna spit in it. You know, cause that's what you do when somebody sends a hair in your food. What's wrong with hair? Let me put a fucking Coke snot from Tuesday

in that motherfucker. Wait till you crunch into that and think it's a grape. I got a hemorrhoid. I'm gonna rub the hemorrhoid on your french fries. Not even, you squeeze the hemorrhoid, you get that hemorrhoid juice. It's like that black fucking tart. It comes out, they think it's rommelade sauce,

these fucking jerk fucking Gentiles. But that shit drives me crazy when people act like that. Oh well, you know, don't stop. Yeah. You fucking asshole. No, and I don't even like the guy that has them pour a half a glass of wine. Pour the fucking wine and drink the wine.

What are you gonna drink? You're gonna take a sip from half a glass and swish it around and then say no? I'm sorry about that. Caesar wants you to bring forth another glass of wine. Fuck you. I gotta tell you guys. You know what, my mom bought some wine this week.

She's after Thanksgiving. She went to Ralph's and bought some wine. And next night I come home and I go, Mom, what do you get five ice cubes in your wine for? She goes, it's shit wine. And it's like, buy another fucking bottle of wine. She's like, nah, finish this one. Club W, but here's the crazy thing.

That culture never was sold to me. Okay, Lee, you're a very young man. My man, Irish is younger than I am. I came from a culture family affair. Courtship of Eddie's father, room 222. Combat, you know, all those shows when men had a conversation in the 60s and 70s, Lee, in the early 60s, late 60s and 70s on television,

on CBS, NBC, or CBOA. Well, ABC, when two men had a conversation, there was always a bottle on the table with no label on it. There was a bucket with ice cubes from, and as soon as two men walked in the room, what are we gonna do about the Diaz situation? Well, the first thing I did in the late 60s and early 70s was to turn around.

Okay, without even eye contact, without offering. You didn't even offer in this time in the United States. You turned around, you took two glasses, you put a nice cuban each, right on TV while the camera was rolling, and he was saying his stupid fucking lines about how the world's gonna end, and if the Russians don't go out to the fallout shelter,

and they'd always pour from a bottle which you assume was whiskey, correct? Always. Do you remember this as a young man? Yes, yeah. Something down. He gave it to everybody, and everybody, they didn't go cheers or salute, or they just drank it,

and they discussed their situation, and throughout the show, drinking was always acceptable. As a young man, for me, for me, that made my dick hard. My mom had a bar, you know what, next week, when I go down there, I'm gonna get a fucking drink with a nice cube. How old are you at this point? It's five, six.

You know me, dog. It's cool, I understand. It looks fucking tremendously cool. What kid doesn't get, what kid doesn't look at that and go, I can't wait to be fucking 18 to do that, to drink a fucking shot. I remember being a kid, we had these shrimp cocktail glass. My parents would buy a six pack of shrimp cocktails

from the AMP, right? Remember those? And then you wash them out, you kept the glasses? You wash them out and you keep the glasses, and it's about the size of a Scotch glass. So I remember me and my brothers just, we put one ice cube in, we put some Coca-Cola on top, and we'd walk around the house

like we were in fucking Mad Men. No shit. Sipping it, sipping it, you know, and then we'd roll up pieces of paper, my parents, my dad smoked three and a half packs a day. We'd roll up pieces of paper, we'd dangle them out of our mouths, and we'd drink Coke with an ice cube.

There you go, America. So you were, I don't know, it was like, alcoholism was acceptable, okay, whatever. Now my mom had a bar, I got drunk one time, shipped my pants, they found me in a closet, that was the end of my alcoholism career. Did you know that? That was it?

That was it. My mom had a thing, before she'd go to bed, she'd do a little shot of wine, I scoped a fucking red Italian wine. Once she fell asleep, I went, I drank the whole bottle of wine, my mom got up, I was Antonio, I was Antonio, no, I was Antonio,

she downed 911, the cops came, they found me in a closet, puked shit all over the place. How old were you? Four, five. That was the end of my alcoholism career, right? That's it, that's it. No more, everything, that was shit on my feet,

they had to put me in the tub, I slept for two days, you know, it's always been a fucking disaster. And that was it, and you never drank since? No, I've tried, I fucking tried, I've tried, tried Jack, I loved everything, I loved everything. Then when you do cocaine, you know, it's like a gin, it's like an Indian without gin. Yeah.

The line of coke requires alcoholism, so I did that, but when I became 18, something really weird happened, I started hanging out with people that thought they were Johnny Bananas. I had a friend that, if he drank a whiskey, he had to have a certain glass, and that shit never bought it to me.

Then I went out to dinner with the Holloway's, the Holloway's were the badass Irish German family. There you go. I speak to Timmy every two days, in fact, he's a truck driver, he listens, and he'll remember this when we graduate in high school, Mr. Holloway took us out to dinner, can't remember the place in Hoboken,

where we're all fucking sitting there eating, and Mr. Holloway, oh, there's a bottle of dinner, and Mr. Holloway liked a few drinks, but he had a rule. Boys, you come to my house, you can eat every day, you can curse in my house, you can watch sports, can't drink in my house. That was our rule. Both my parents, huge drinkers,

you didn't drink in the house. Do me that favor, respect me. You know, we'd go, every time we went anywhere, we'd always stop at Mr. Holloway's house and get tuned up, he would get more money. The best was when Mr. Holloway was on the couch, sleeping years later, we'd come in at three in the morning, we're making sandwiches to go into a disco in the city,

and as we walk past, and Mr. Holloway turns around, he goes, what, to go? You know, I mean, we used to torment him, but I forget the fucking story, I was gonna tell you. Who the fuck knows? Well, we're talking about those, you know, shrimp cocktail glasses, and we were talking about- We went to dinner, and all of a sudden,

some guy comes by, and he goes, you know, excuse me, Kaviyas, I've been blonde, 68, and you know, and all of a sudden, he opens the bottle, and then he's got like a thing, and he fucking, I think he drinks a little, and he spits down it, and I'll never forget, he goes to Mrs. Holloway, and he goes to Mr. Holloway, and he gets to Roger, and little Roger's crazy, we're crazy at the time,

we're fucking crazy. And little Roger looks at him and goes, give me the fucking bottle. Hey, just give me the fucking bottle, and that was the end of that in my life. I knew that I wasn't the only one who thought that way. A glass is a glass, I don't give a fuck what glass, I don't give a fucking wine glass,

and the whole fucking serenade with the sweater on my shoulders to have a fucking drink of wine, all right? I know people who are broke, they're fucking drink wine out of a bottle, have a great time, have a fucking great time, with the same alcohol content. Same alcohol, I never understood the whole glass, where the whole thing, when I snorted coke,

I drank fucking gasoline out of a rock glass, it don't matter. I mean, you got an ass hair on your hamburger, or some wine to taste a little bit fruity, suck it up, and don't waste everybody's fucking time. We're trying to go out, we're trying to get this done, so we can do the next thing. We can't do the next thing if you're sending

a fucking one ounce little sifters of wine back. I won't have it, I won't have it. I don't even care if my shit is too raw, I eat around it, it's always just that one little red chunk in the middle of your steak, so you eat around it, eat everything else, but don't send it back. That shit viruses me to no end.

You know what I do when the food sucks? I pay the bill and get up and I leave, and I make a mental, I get in the car and I call this fucking dude, and I tell him, don't go to the food suck. Well I went there last Tuesday, get the fucking, the fucking suck, it tastes like gas. Did he say taste like gas or taste like ass?

Ass, ass. You know. I'm not even sure what place you're talking about. Any fucking place, I'm just saying, I mean that's the first thing you do, I'm not gonna sit there and argue with you, and go back and forth, you know, right or wrong? I'm in Indianapolis recently,

shit in the bed at some club in the suburbs, nobody's coming, it's like I've got the HIV, and so I'm miserable all weekend and then I go, you know, it's Saturday night in between shows, I'm gonna go next door, they got a sushi restaurant, I'm gonna get a nice plate of sushi, cheer up a little bit, spend a few bucks, live. So I go there between shows and I order,

I get some miso soup and some sushi. Miso soup comes out, it's ice cold, it's as salty as a cum shot from a guy that just walked 40 days in the desert. Oh no. Then I get the, and so I don't eat it, and then all of a sudden they bring the sushi and it's like it had been smoked,

like the corners of the fish were dry and curled back, it had been sitting there for days. Meanwhile, the waiter recognized me, so I walk and he goes, Greg Fitzsimmons, holy shit! He goes, I'm gonna take great care of you, it's like, if you wanna take care of me, get some fucking takeout from another restaurant cause this shit is poison.

So he puts it in front of me and I don't wanna be a douche cause he recognized me, so I just, so I just, I gave him a big fucking tip and like you said, I just walked out, I wasn't gonna eat that shit. First of all, shame on you for going to a sushi place, next door is Indianapolis, I mean, how many fucking people left Hiroshima

to go to Indianapolis, okay? You know, so shame on you. It's like, you don't leave Auschwitz to move to Iowa to open a bagel shop. You've already been in torture for 40 fucking years, you know what I'm saying? You leave Auschwitz to go to New York and get the party started.

How the fuck did you connect those two thoughts? Cause I've been smoking weed to take this morning, it doesn't matter. That was a fucking World War II thought. These bagels are good, yeah, my family's all dead, enjoy it. I hope the bagel cheers you up. Tremendous, happy Thanksgiving, motherfucker, this is what life is all about.

Sometimes just getting a stupid laugh, man. And this guy's over here humming like a cat. The fucking trouble's in the corner, just humming like a cat. How many people are grabbing that fucking halo thing? You gave me like 18 fucking. And it's time for another halo, this is a halo brought to you by asthma.

Boy, they can't stop thinking of ways to get fucking pot in your system. Anybody else? No, no. You wipe it in your nose, you drop it in your eye. Anybody come up with the eye drops yet? That's gotta be next. That's the next one.

The cannabis eye drops. I'm sure they have them. I gotta hit acid here if you want to take it home for later to go. I'm good, thanks. Everybody say it's right down that little doorknob. Look at you. And I got three hitting up there.

Well, don't tell them where they're heading. Well, I'm not gonna tell nobody where they are. They gotta come here with the dog. Acid, that feels like 1979, man. That's why I live. Listen, man, in the words of public enemy, if you don't know where you're past, you don't know your future.

Gotta take a hit of acid from time to time and take it back there just to dibble a little bit. All right, what do you do once you take the acid? You gotta stay indoors. We stayed here and we did a podcast. With Me and Lee and Ari Shafir, Eddie Bravo came to mediate. He didn't get high

and we just giggled here like five assholes. You three took the acid though. So five hours just. No, you didn't. A five hour podcast? We did a three hour podcast. Two and a half years. And then we were fucking,

we sat here for an hour after that, just sweating. Sweating. Giggling and fff. Yeah. Didn't I send you a video of the Mexican guy taking his clothes off? No. Come on.

So we're here. I called Duncan. You know, Duncan likes drugs. I called Duncan. I go, Duncan, you wanna come to the podcast and do the acid? I can't. You know, I have other plans. Okay, no worries.

You don't have to fucking come. So I called Ari. Ari was gonna come anyway. I just wanna have a couple of people. So Duncan sits at home and he's watching this fucking podcast. In the middle of the podcast, he decides to send me this fucking.

Now we're three, we're two hours in. We're burning. This is last week? This is about a month, six weeks ago. We're burning. Look at Greg. He won't even touch the phone. He's like, I don't even wanna touch it.

Look at that marshmallow body. Holy, I feel good about my body right now. Oh, don't do it. Oh Christ. Holy Christ. Not Greg, you're sitting there two hours in. Burning on acid by yourself. It's like Bobby Lee, the Mexican.

I'm gonna send you this. How's that? Yeah, please, please. Show this to your mom tomorrow. Everybody's sitting around. Show this to them on Thanksgiving Day. You know what I'm saying? I'll be careful.

Here's what I'm thankful for, mom. This gentleman right here who has no body shame and yet we all have body shame for him. He doesn't give a fuck. He take that. He probably puts on a dating service. Yeah. And sent that out there.

So let's give it a whiz. You think he got any replies? Oh, I would reply just to stab him. Right or wrong. I take him to a secluded place. Like if I was single and gay and crazy and I'm just living life by the seat of my pants. Oh, he's a goner.

He's a goner. He's just like, I'm like, what's that guy on TV that was killing people and then Klexter, Lex Dexter? You immediately became a gay serial killer. Why not? Think about it. If I'm fucking gay and I'm part of a fucking gay gating site and I'm sitting at home, I had a bad week

and I can't find the job. My last date, the guy wouldn't suck my dick. He gave us a good piece of ass but he gave a bad blow job. I'm sitting there, I'm gay as fuck. I'm at home watching something on Netflix. Get worked up. Go, go TV.

And this guy pops up on your screen. You just gotta think about this. So this video ends. First thought that comes to your mind is how many bullets do I have? Do I have a rubber sheet? This is gonna be fun. No, those are fun.

Do I have to go to Mexico for this? Or is this guy- No, this guy lives in Sherman Oaks. I guarantee this guy lives in Pacoima. This guy lives right under your nose. You see this guy when you go to wrap some wave at him. He's behind a counter. He's lonely.

He's just looking for another hemophiliac. What's he? He didn't have a dick, he didn't have a pussy. What do you call those people? Hemophilia, you remember that? Am I for dine? Same fucking thing. Hemophilia.

Yeah. That means you can't stop bleeding. That means you're gonna stab him once. You can walk away. What happened to those people? Remember when we were kids? They always said- No, there's no more hemophilia.

They're gone. Yeah, they disappeared. Some people things changed. What happened to the hemophilia? Hemophilia was, I think people started saying homophilia and they changed it. It became gay guys that bleed a lot.

That was my joke. That's terrible. You wanna edit that out, Lee? No, fuck no. Leave it there. Oh, you just sent me the video. I can't wait to watch it. Oh my God, that's hysterical.

That's what I'm saying. That could be any guy that put, they probably got that from a dating site. That's a dating site in Mexico video. You're at home in Mexico. You could kill some people. Absolutely. You get that, the thing.

You get that yourself. I got the car. I got the drop cloth. I got everything. Yeah. If you could kill somebody, how would you do it? It just depends what they did. It depends what they did.

I have evil thoughts that run through my mind. I really do. We all are mad at one or two people that we think- Disrespected us. Disrespected themselves. They fucked with us. Yeah. It crosses you.

When I was a kid, I went and I used to step dad the worst way, and I was going to get really good weapons. My plan was, my genius plan, was to hide under a car and pop out and shoot them. I was always good with escape routes. You'd be surprised. Escape routes? Like how to get out of a situation.

Like if you shoot somebody here, you're gonna fucking look around this area for a while. See, but today you have drones. You have Google map. You have all these things that they could go back. I could go back and see if you ever walked in that neighborhood a year ago. Do you know that?

That's reality. I could really go back. It costs money. It's gonna cost you money. We were talking about this last week. Two months ago at the comedy store, kids sitting on the door, busy sunset fucking Boulevard, okay?

Kid walks up to him, 10 to one, takes out a gun and shoots him seven times, runs down the hill, gets in a car. They've never heard or seen from the guy. Who watched the documentary? It's been on all week. It's a brand new documentary about, I've watched bits and pieces.

The two-park biggie murders. March the penguins? No, the two-park biggie murders. How the guy came, how they get there. Oh, I gotta see that. There was a Southside Crip that it was, or it was definitely fucking biggies. It was definitely Puff Daddy that put the order out.

That's what the movie says? And this documentary has the Southside Crips, a million dollar bounty. The bounty got put at Gold Blots, right next to the Life Factory. That's what they would eat in those days, at Gold Blots, Green Blots, whatever the name of it. And listen, right now there's two murders.

Take a look at that. You have to be a fucking moron if you're gonna murder somebody. Number one, look at all the people that get caught. You know how come they get caught? Because they tell somebody, or they have two or three people involved. You're gonna ice somebody, you're gonna ice them yourself.

And the ices that we've seen, look at the fucking best ices that you see. Look at this thing at the county store. 16, 15 people on a patio, cops on La Cienega. When people hear bullets, they go crazy. They don't see, you don't see no more. And there was no camera out there. No camera, even with the fucking camera.

I got a hood on with my thing around me. It's tough now, guys. It's fucking tough. Don't get me wrong. Look at them, they got the 44 caliber killer with a fucking ticket. You do make mistakes with a fucking parking ticket. But look at all these mob guys.

What do you think, they're physicists? These guys shot people every night. Put them in a trunk of a car, took them to a fucking deserted place, buried them, put lie on them, make the body disappear quicker. And they built construct. These people, for every 300 murders,

Sammy the Bull said that they were out there. There's another 300 people that are out there that nobody ever knew about. Well, missing. They went playing cards one night, got into it with some asshole, like the guy that played Tommy and good fellas, they just pull a gun out and shoot you,

and they'd be scaredy in the room now, and now they make a big scene. They put you in a tablecloth, and that shit happened. Totally random. That shit happened. And so you have to think about how you would do it, the person. But how would you do it?

In terms of enjoyment for you, what would feel best to you? There's only one person on the God's eye that I would like to chop into fucking pieces. That's how you do it, chop them up. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's some people that you shoot in the fucking head. Yeah.

Because they deserve to get shot in the head. There's some people that you shoot in the asshole and watch him. Upwards? You put it straight up. And you watch him live for four hours, giggling for that fucking life. You can shot the asshole, you giggle.

With a fucking 32, you just shout up the ass, nothing to blow their heads off and none. Just something to keep that hot bullet in their asshole. Do you put the gun up the asshole? Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just the crown.

Just gun them on the fucking gun to make sure this guy's not a freak. You don't want your gun with the hip. You know what I'm saying? You don't want a gun with the hip. You can't get rid of that guy. Safe killing. You got to do safe killing.

So, that's your favorite gun. But I figure if under God's eye, if anything ever bad happened to me in my life, you'd have to realize that this is the way I'd want to go out. Is I go grab that fucking person. First of all, there'd be documentation. Okay, there'd have to be documentation because I have to make too many moves.

I would scope them out for a few days. I would get really fucking hungry and angry. I would probably pick them off off the fucking street and have a cave predetermined on apartment and just gag them and start the process. Like the whole like, what was that? The Pulp Fiction?

That Gerard baller movie? Like a citizen, what was that movie he did? Ball in the mouth, duct taped, duct taped hands. And first I start with punches for like an hour. An hour? For like an hour. I'm just gonna work that out. First of all, I'll go to the pharmacy

and get a couple IVs to keep them alive for a few fucking days. That's nice of you. He's not gonna be able to eat because you're not told his teeth out. Huh? He's not gonna be able to chew. Gotta go IV.

Let them have teeth. And you just punch them for an hour and then you hit them with sticks. And then you rock them to death for a little while. What's that? You rock them like I ran. Like I ran. Then you kick them again.

Where's the tar? But you keep them alive. That's the hole. You want them to suffer like you did. Then you torment them, you eat a few sandwiches in front of them. Maybe some Twinkies, a devil dog. You really want to torment somebody,

you put a fucking gun up their pussy or gun that dick and play with them and ask them questions. How's that feel? Are you feeling any fucking good to you now? And then after about 12 hours of that mental torches when you really start to shit, then I go into Ice Man mode.

That's where I just take a razor blade and start doing little paper cuts everywhere. It's just for about two hours. I'd probably faint two times because I can't see blood. So I'm gonna come back. This is why this is just a fantasy, ladies and gentlemen, because I'd be fainting by the end.

But after I'd fucking chop them up with that razor blade for about two or three hours, rub that juice salt on them, that sea salt. I'd rub them in sea salt like a chicken collard, you understand me? I'd roll them in that sea salt and there's no worse pain than that, guys. Then if there were a woman,

I'd take a razor blade and slip their clit one by one and make them fucking eat it and then put more juice salt on that shit. And then I'd kick them again, asking questions. You know, by that time I'd be crying because all the pain that they inflicted on me is finally coming out of me. It's cathartic.

For a human to do something like this, he has to know in the back of my mind when I'm doing this, I'm gonna get caught. But it's gonna be well worth it. I'm gonna go out of this world with that pain. That person got to see it. And that to throw more salt on them, then I start on their general parts.

Then I start carving out their assholes, taking their nose off, more salt. The thing about an asshole is the more you cut it out, the bigger the asshole gets. Yeah, no, no, no. And then I take the 32, pop the gun up there, and that's when you're just leaving there to gurgle for fucking four hours.

You don't wanna see that part. You're looking like a fucking chicken culling. You hang them upside down so the blood leaks out of their fucking earlobes. And that's it. That's how you do somebody who did something bad to your family, did something bad to you, did something bad to a daughter, a son, something.

That's the only way. Anybody could go up and shoot you from a car, or like Kennedy, they shot him from a fucking book tower. Any fucking moron could do that. But to just pick somebody up by the throat and go, you're going. And guess what? I'm strapping myself up like one of these Arabs.

As soon as the cops hit the basement, I pulled the fucking booby clip here. So we all go anyway. You're going, you're going. Don't think you're not going, but fuck it. That's the only way to do it. If you're gonna do somebody who's just fucked with you. Now to shoot a motherfucker like a,

one of these dummy town agents, or like one of these fucking stupid comedians. That's easy. Invite them to the Congress, and wait till they go to the back room and blast them with a gun with a silence and leave them there. Yeah. Where's the fun in that? The easiest hit is the one that's the most obvious.

Do you look at all the great hits in time? Listen, the greatest hit of our time in my eyes was John Gotti on Paul Castellano at Sparks Steakhouse a week before Christmas at dinner time. That's genius. That's genius. Because you're in the dead center of it. You're in the dead center of it.

Number one, number two. The only object you have, the only thing you have is an odd duty cop. That's what you're worried about. I'm worried about an odd duty cop. Why? Where are you? Odd duty cops are the goofy ones. Look what happened at Hollywood and Highland the other day.

Some guy ripped out a knife and started stabbing some fucking family. Two odd duty cops shot the guy and sustained him and put him down. Odd duty cops are everywhere. They're walking with their families. A lot of them carry a piece. But, you know, in that case,

this is Paul fucking Castellano walks out of a restaurant and all of a sudden he starts getting black. Remember, one gun is bad enough. Can you ever see that scene in the heat? When they robbed the bank at the end, they come out to the car and give him the money and fuck off, seize the gun. He brings out the bazooka and it's on.

Can you imagine that? Put that scene on one night and sit there, smoke a joint and sit there and go, what would happen to my insides if I ever heard that? You would drop, you would definitely pee your pants. Shit would start to trickle. Your heart would beat to endless, endless. It's sweat.

Endless, your mouth goes dry. That's not your world. I think I might pass out. You pass out, I pass out. I passed out, I pass out, I pass out all the time. Your heart, your body can't fucking handle it. For some people who are not trained in that, that's why they send you to basic training.

To shoot guns, to hear how a fucking machine gun sounds. So your response, your reactions to that. I like these guys that buy a gun and go on the street and they don't know nothing about nothing. And I've seen a thousand guys. Bro, when I was a kid, I had a friend of mine who went to one of them place and there was a shootout and people asked him next, what happened to your gun?

He ran out of there. His girlfriend told us years later, he ran that night. Guy, it's a different world. That's why I hate people who carry guns because 40% of them don't really know what they're doing with them. Well, did you see what happened?

And this is what I was worried about. This woman got her purse stolen and these people came and this woman was carrying a gun and shot at the dude. And it's just like, that's what I'm worried about. Like what? Oh, those fucking hillbillies, listen. Yeah, what if you have a gun?

Now you're gonna shoot at people. God bless them. I love that type of shit. Oh my God. They told him to stop the lady shot at the fucking guy. She robbed the purse. Yeah. Did you see the tape?

No, he stole her purse and she killed him. Stole the purse? They didn't kill him, right? I don't think they killed him and I think it was another lady had a gun. Hell. And just decided to shoot, which, I mean, he did steal a purse.

He's not great, but. Yeah, but what about the judicial system which says that you have a right to a trial and a lawyer and what are people just gonna become judged during an executioner on the street? Anybody that can pick up a gun can just decide who lives and dies? That's fucking crazy.

Listen, man, three Fridays ago, you were in a town doing comedy and you were in your room writing fucking jokes. And also on the phone rang or you looked up and somebody said, did you hear what happened in Paris? And you turned the TV on and also they started describing these people at a fucking concert.

These people at a cafe. Now, if you didn't stop, but you were thinking at that moment for 30 seconds and you didn't process this could happen now. Now that this happened, this could happen anywhere for Simmons. This could happen anywhere for Simmons. People have pissed.

Americans are scared, Americans are broke. I don't blame a lot of Americans for their behavior right now. It's a different country when you and I were growing up. Yeah, I do. There's a way this country behaves. We have a weird president

and right now people are on edge. Yeah. I can't fucking take my kid to fucking the mall now because Christmas shopping because these motherfuckers are gonna do this. You can't take him to school. I have to come. It's dangerous at the school and the mall.

Half the country is closed. We're living in a country. We're half the country's voting on these refugees and the other half of the country's like fucking fuck them. We don't want them. We have to put them through a strict fucking process because they might be cells. They already listened.

They already caught four of them in Honduras last week. That means there's 18 of them already in California. Okay, you have to assume. You have to assume. Lee, if you were an American and you were educated. Yeah, you have to assume they're here but not just for the refugees. Unless you believe.

Yeah, here, regardless. Well, how do you think they got here? Do you think they got here on a red carpet premiere? No. They came up to Honduras. They dragged like Mexicans. Hey, hey, hey, hey. They say whatever the fuck Mexicans did, they got up.

You know, those coyotes, they'll fucking eat a scab off an Iranian's fucking fingernail. They don't give a fuck, Lee. So eight Mexicans show up. Listen, I come up to you. I go, you want to go to the United States. See, see, tell them I'm your friend, Plimo.

Before this guy got sent over, he took fucking two weeks of fucking Spanish. What's her name? Rosa Perez, the fucking things you learn online. Yeah. From Arizona. Rosetta Stone? Rosetta Stone.

Rosie Perez. All right, whatever the fucking name is. She Rosetta fucking stoned them. Let's be educated Americans here. Okay, and okay, you're saying joy, but you're paranoia. Let's say, okay, look what they did in Paris. Look what they're doing everywhere else. Okay, they shot down a plane yesterday.

So you're telling me these people trying, they're like Colombians now. You watch Netflix? Sure, I saw that. Okay, they had different paths going. They just don't have this way to go to the United States. They just didn't have Panama. They were shipping through Mexico

when it was coming in through Miami and it was coming in through New York City and it was coming in through then, it was coming in through here. And they sent in and they accepted how the seven shipments, they knew two of them were gonna get grabbed. It's the same mentality when I'm sending over

those fucking people through the border. Meanwhile, you're thinking that they're sending them in through this refugee thing and we're watching these refugees, they caught four of them in Honduras with fake passports. Right, so that's my point. So do you think they're the first ones that went to Honduras?

That means we've already got 18 of them here. Oh, we probably have thousands of them. So now, how do you think this works? I go to a Mexican family that hasn't eaten in fucking two weeks, two weeks, okay? They're just poor fucking Mexican people. They don't know no better. They're like the farmers in Columbia

who picked the fucking leaves for 10 cents a day. Meanwhile, the final result is three billion a fucking year. These people are poor little fucking spits. I come up to you with some Arabian accent. I give you fucking more money you've ever seen to teach me Spanish and I'm gonna take your family to the United States. Give me some of your t-shirts,

give me a fucking poncho and let's get this motherfucker through and they shaved their beard. You tell me how these Arabs don't look like, listen, on the way home today, go to the fucking Laurel Canyon and Chandler fucking 7-Eleven. Look me in the face when you walk out and tell me that's not ISIS in there. What are you saying, the guy that works there?

The host door, the host door. The entire operation. The entire operation and I wish this was a joke. I wish that you didn't, you can't let the fear get to you like this. The other day. It's blinding. The other day, I walked in there after the attacks

and they had the Arab music blasting. They had the turbans on. They were looking at Americans giggling when they walked in. I was watching them. I was looking for the hubba-bubba. You think I'm trying to be funny here? I'm not being fucking funny. So you have to listen guys, they're gonna do something.

They're gonna do fucking something and they wanna do it within the next two weeks to make a fucking statement. They got this poor Russian all fired up, this Putin guy, he's no fucking genius. Honestly, I do. And I'm not palace and listen guys, I was prepared to die when I was 17 years old.

I've never, I don't give a fuck. I don't vote. I got felonies. I don't give a fuck about all this shit. You want me to lie to you? But I'm telling you, you have to be a little bit cautious. You have to keep your eyes open and you gotta have something.

You gotta have a BB gun. You gotta have a knife on you. You better have something. Something Irish. I love you to death. It's in your fucking blood. Look, I think if you wanna stop this shit, it's, you know, you feed into it

when you objectify a race of people or a culture of people because of some events that happened in Paris. You're gonna cause animosity that could actually lead to people. It's a recruiting tool. We feed into it and we create more people that are maybe living on the edge of the Muslim society and you make them hate us.

We're doing the recruiting for them. You know, they're innocent people. I mean, it's, they're a part, you know, they're a part of America. There's some shitty ones and there's some good ones, but I really don't think as a race that they are responsible for more crimes in this country. And, you know, the ones that got here

before were college students. A lot of the terrorists that came through this country, they were trained here, they were friends of the Bushes. They came in here business class. They overstayed college visas. Poor people coming in, they're not, they don't give a fuck. They got no, what do they got allegiance to?

A bunch of guys in fucking turbans that used to beat them with rocks. They don't give a shit about that place. They wanna come to America. And we obviously like that whole thing about giving Muslims and ID is never, if that happens, it's fucking terrible. But they have all the, with all the technology,

they're running background checks on everybody behind the scenes probably. You would hope. The issue I have is like, I'm pretty liberal for the most part, but I don't understand why everyone hates, like it feels like everyone hates on the military. The U.S. military?

Yeah, I feel like it's like, anti, like people would be anti being having them in the street. Like I spent six months in Israel and they're just everywhere. And at this point, I'd be more comfortable with them being in the street than- The military? Yeah, than everyone else having guns.

I think people would be fucking miserable. Seeing military people all over the place, that would make me frown. We turn into Cuba. Yeah. We turn into Cuba. But this is happening. If I have military people and every three bosses

and I believe in security, I believe in a lot of things. I believe in people looking after one another. But Jesus Christ, if I gotta walk up the corner and there's a tank on my fucking- No, I'm not saying a tank. I walk up to a weed store. What do you think you want? If you're gonna come to protect Uncle Joey, bring the tank.

Don't show up with a Jeep with some skinny guy with a car. Look, look, look. You know what I'm saying? I'm sure they have- I don't need no corporal, you know what I'm saying? I shot the sheriff, not the deputy. This is LA. I'm-

Send in the big guns. Fuck the send in the big guns. I'm sure they have a tank with a 30 minutes of air. By the way, I shot the sheriff, though. Little, I shot the sheriff by Eric Clapton. There you go. Good call. Let's do this.

Better version, Eric Clapton or Bob Marley? In my world, both of them are so fucking good. It doesn't even matter. It's like all along the watch tower, both versions. This is Dan from Brea, you know, Dan from Irvine. Sure. I'm doing a podcast, but I'm coming down there with three Jews and a fucking and a clerk, a cocksucker.

We're counting chairs. Put it on speaker. You know I love you, brother. I heard that the ticket sales are good. Will I see you tonight? I'll see you there, my friend. Thank you for the call. I love you.

Bye. Bye, buddy. Looking good for Brea. I like it. Irvine. Irvine or Brea? Oh shit. Kick that motherfucking horse, Lee.

Yeah, these British guys dug the reggae. The Stones, they love reggae, because they had Jamaicans in London. So these guys are playing rock and they're throwing some little upstroke reggae sound in there. Somebody told me that's what reggae guitar playing is. You don't hit it on the downstroke,

you hit it on the upstroke. Ah. I'm going to show them this. Yeah. Fussing some out this man. Yeah. For what? I don't know.

Are you kidding me? Oh shit. Oh shit, Lee. Taking you deep in the fucking murky waters that Eric clapping right there. Now we're living in some living in weird times, my friend. Yes, we are.

But we got kids. So you got no choice. You got to say we're going to make it work. We get through it. I had a situation last night and I wanted to get your input on it. I went to see the movie and I got a little bit of high. And right as the movie started,

Paula said she was like an Eminem. And I was like what? Who's that, your girl? Yeah, we looked back and we didn't see anybody. I was like are you okay? She's like I'm okay. I was like okay. And then like three quarters of the way through

another one came down. It didn't hit anything. And I was a little high but I was like shut up. I wanted to get up and do something. And then I was like I can't get overconfident. Like I don't want to be like I'm going to punch somebody and then what if they have a weapon? What if there's three of them?

Yeah, so like I didn't know, if they kept doing it I wasn't going to have to do it but they didn't do it ever again. And when the movie was over they were gone but. Do you know who it was? No, but there's no one there behind us. There's like no one in the movie. So who gets the fuck?

But like what would? Who you kidding? You bent over and picked it up. God suck it. And ate that motherfucker and said come on. This is like Jesus is loving me. Who the fuck are you kidding? I didn't know before.

She said Lee, I got hit a little bit. Let me know if it happens again. You picked that fucking M up and you like fucking G. You like that, you were like that kid in the animal house when he was jerking off to playboy and all of a sudden the chick shot through his window and he looked at me and goes thanks God. Fucking classic scene.

Thanks God. And the girl's just drunk enough to fuck him anyway. She was going to close. Put the video on Lee. Animal house, March. The kid whacking off to playboy. Oh my God. You forgot about that.

And they run. I forgot about that. And let me tell you the brilliance of that movie that once she lands in, what's the next scene? Is Kevin Bacon going stop, stop and they run him over and they show Kevin Bacon in the floor. Oh right. Oh my God.

You understand comedy brilliance? Yeah. Which nobody really does no more in a film. They didn't get you with just a fucking hook. They got you with a straight one. Cause when Kevin Bacon gets run over you fucking die in laughter. You're a stone, you're a kid.

You don't know better. You just fucking fall out. Then later on you're like it wasn't that funny. But little shit like that. I remember like the cake float that they built. Yes. What did it say on the side of it? Eat that.

Eat me. It said eat me. Like you didn't need that. But it was there. Oh my God. They have it. No they don't. A little bit of extra.

They don't have it. Is that the one you're trying to tell me? Let me see. Let's see. Oh my God. No. No. They don't.

Yeah. Ah. He's not even in his own. He's in his dad's room. Look at him. Look at him. He's he. Put the music on to.

Put the sound on to. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Thank you, God! One more time! One more time, Danny! Thank you, God! He's gonna tear that up. That kid is gonna tear it up.

That is one of the funniest fucking things I've ever done. In his dad's room. Not even as a... He's gonna spunk one out right where his mother sleeps. He doesn't give a shit. That's where the magazine is. That is real comedy, ladies and gentlemen. What you're seeing today is bullshit. Who wrote that? Animal House was written by... What's his name? Don't tell me Ramis. Don't even tell me that.

What's his name? Yeah, Harold Ramis. Who wrote Animal House, Lee? I think it was produced by... Is it John Landis? Yeah, that whole team. But it wasn't really Ramis who wrote that. Okay, here we go. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus Christ. I just got out of the room. So it was produced by Rightman and Simmons. Oh, Rightman, right.

And then what do you want? You want to see... Let's try that on top. Can be on top, Lee. Jesus Christ, Lee. There we go. Yeah, Ramis, Kearney, and Miller. Fucking Harold Ramis. No, not on board. Me? Yeah. Oh, he's saying he's great.

He was my hero. He's my hero. Fuck yeah. They didn't put him on live. And he said, okay, watch my heat, bitch. Yeah. Watch this. Watch this. Ain't no world. You don't like me. It's okay. You're like all my friends. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

But you don't like me. Okay. My feelings ain't hurt, but watch what I'm going to give you. I'm going to give you this. I'm going to give you stripes. Yeah. And then just out of respect, let me drop ghost buses on you. How you like me now, motherfucker? Yeah. And I'm going to steal your cast. And your cast. And guess what else?

I don't have to give you 50% of the take. Like the rest of these suckers have to. Yeah. Right. How's that for you? Yeah. That was, what else? See what else? Oh, he did everything. Was he Groundhog Day? You know, I got to work on it.

No shit. Yeah. Wow. He was Groundhog Day. Analyze that. Groundhog Day should have got an Oscar if it didn't. Do you want to see his writing or directing? Writing. Okay.

Still got the picture on my wall. That's awesome. Animal House. First movie. Delta House. SCTV. Then goes with meatballs, followed by Caddyshack,

followed by stripes. Oh my God, from 1979 to 81. Can you believe that? Meatballs, Caddyshack stripes. Damn. Shit. They have to pay him. You know those people that I love

you know what I love about Fitzsimmons? He's non-threatening. But he makes me fucking laugh. Thanks, man. That's nice to hear. Nothing I like more than when white fucking people got hurt. I wish that's a complete different type of white people.

But when I see a white dude like Tommy Easton, if I have a problem, I'll call Tommy Easton talking there and I'm going to die. But they're going to die with me. We're going to die with our hands held, because that's their nature.

They don't know no better. Irish, they don't know no better. What? They said what? Let's go down there. Next thing you know, you're getting stitches and they're in the hospital. I love you, man. The fuck. I got 18 stitches. I lost a leg. And what happened exactly? Why are we here?

Because my sister, the guy called her a stupid cunt. And now I got no leg. I got a roller skate. I got to hang out like the terrorist, the Australian dude who killed his girlfriend. What's the name? Pizzeris.

Platorious. Platorious. Whatever his fucking name is. Yeah, you're going to have to shoot your girlfriend. Yeah, there's just some fucking people and how Ramis had that. Like I went down, I fucking hate Latino auditions.

Auditions? Auditions. There's nothing bothering me more when an agent calls me and says, hey, I have a 430 for you. When they don't tell me what the project is and they say I'll send them over to you. Bye. That's always a by the way.

Characters always name Rodriguez or Garcia. And I look at the fucking roll and it's for some two Spanish thugs. And I read it and you ever read something and as you're reading it, you know it's Louis Guzman. Yeah. Like as you're reading it, you know who this is. You already know who this is.

The offers are already out for them. They're just getting you for safety. They have a star attached. You know who's already attached to the film and you look at the roll and in my heart I'm like a hector in something else and I go, you know what, I'm not going in for this fucking audition.

It was the one about the fucking dude who was the host of the gang show. Oh, right. It was also a CIA agent. Yes. It was Louis Guzman and that wasn't it. See, as I'm telling you, as I

as I read the fucking thing in those days, I could see the casting. And you know what? I look at the address. It's Bentley Hills. Those places in those days, they give you a wallet. It's usually like a white person.

They found that you're parking. Like let me go down there. It's like December 6th, something like that. And I go in there because on the Christmas stuff was up. And I'm going in there. You ever go to an audition? There's 80 fucking animals. No.

My time was 3.30. And when I got there, 3.30, somebody came out. Did they offer you water? Would you like a newspaper? You know, it was that type of office. I walk in. This lady I read for him. Before I go in, I go, listen, I don't know why he sent me for this. She was, I'm looking at a lot of

these. This is an ambiguous role. They tell you. I read for it and she tells me at the end. She goes, it was a really good read, man. She goes, listen, I'm not going to lie to you. They got an offer on me. She goes, listen, my next movie is you.

Keep me posted. Keep in touch with me. And I got something for you. She told me right out, very sweetly. And that's exactly what I did. I sent her a thank you note for that. I sent her a Christmas card. And I shot this thing called the mezzos. The mezzos is why Big Pussy

left the Sopranos. He was going to ABC to shoot the mezzos. The mezzos was about two gay mobsters that had a theater in the Pink Pussycat in West Hollywood. And they had collected money. So it was going to be two gay guys that were bears. Those bear type gay guys.

So they were brothers, but they were bear. They're both gay. But they weren't going to be gay. The show was going to be on the theme, on the thin edge. But after Pussy quit the Sopranos, everything went downhill. ABC canned it, but the guy still owned it. And Fox

the little Fox back then. Now it's Fox 21, Fox 24, Fox Hindu. Now they got a Fox for everything. In those days it was Fox and a little fucking Fox. So the Fox search lab.

Fox search lab. We'll do the fucking project. Perfect. We shot it in January. I booked it. It was a two week short film, whatever. They took it to all these gay festivals. It was fantastic. I sent her a reel. She calls me back. She goes, I want you to come in New York

and read for this. We'll send you a plane ticket. Come to New York. In those days they were still fucking cool. This is $2,000. Flying in for an audition. Yeah. Flying in for an audition. No hotel. Which I don't give a fuck. I take the free ticket.

Nothing in those days, Craig Fitzsimmons. I know nothing about nothing. Okay. And finally I asked my agent to send me everything. And he sends me the film. Who the fucking who's in it? Who wrote it?

And it was Harold Ramis. And every piece of sperm came out of my asshole and everything. I said if I booked this I could talk so much shit. Yeah. Because nobody works at this fucking. This is the true mark of a comic.

Went in there, read. Brother they fucking called me and gave it to me. Right away? No, it took about a month. They tormented me. And you know how it says shoot date April 24th? I snapped by the 29 and just picked up the phone and called the casting director.

What is the meaning of this? And then when I joined, hold on. Susie Farris who today is a big-timer here in town. She's an assistant for this lady in New York. And she called me back and she goes you booked it. We'll send you this, this, this and this

and dog. I'll tell you what. I even stopped doing blow for a week before that. Good for you. Which was a lot in those days. I'm not gonna lie. It was like four days. Four days. Four fucking days I quit doing blow before I went in with that guy.

He was everything I wanted him to be. You know. Fuck am I. I could lie to you guys and tell you he was everything I wanted him to be as a director. I don't even know what the director was. A director to me as a guy who sits with you and teaches you something. You learn something. And he was very good to me that day

but it wasn't till they shot the other side. And I had his ear for two hours. Just him and me. New Jersey where you from. You ever smoked dope. And all of a sudden I started asking about what happened. And he told me Montreal Comedy Festival they could suck my dick.

He just started telling me the things that didn't matter. Yeah. He just broke him down for me as a comic. What doesn't matter and what matters. Everything else is bullshit. He was so what the guy didn't want to work with me. It was his fucking loss. Now look at me. You know what I'm saying.

I'm living like a fucking doctor. And I left that set a different person. Yeah. Because he lifted me. It's like when you go to fucking comedy school Greg it's not like going to the West Side Comedy Jam to follow eight guys that are bringing four people. Yeah.

When you go to comedy school Sebastian's in front of you. You know what I'm saying. So right off the bat you lift up. You lift up a little bit. You go from being a yellow belt to a fucking brown belt. Now all of a sudden nobody's got to give you a belt or nothing. Yeah. In my mind the same thing had happened

to me by working with him. After that I started booking shit like a man. I booked Spider-Man 2, American Gangster just from the confidence that he gave me that day. He's like listen nobody likes me. Who gives a fuck? He said that?

Yeah. Oh yeah. He was cool as shit. Yeah. He didn't give a shit that people didn't like him. That's the, every really successful person that I meet out here in Hollywood doesn't fucking care. They date women with big tits and fake lips and you know and they're

62 and she's 24. They don't give a shit how it looks. They don't care how they talk to people. I'm not saying in a bad way or a good way. It's just the thing I've found is that to get that powerful you have to truly not give a shit. Now there's two schools

of thought and this is what got me here with you. I was always a happy guy. I didn't give a fuck. But it was half routine and half. I really didn't give a fuck because I was thinking about this till then.

My daughter who's two, who's three years old and she's not, I don't want to say this without sounding creepy. She's a virgin of life. Right now when I pick her up she's a daddy and I pick her up and she always has a good day.

But someday something happens that changes them. That's why I don't like fucking dogs around my kids. That's the reason I don't want to fucking dog around you. I know you get your pitbulls great and you saved them from a fire. Listen that's great. I don't want to fucking snap eventually. Especially when they're around little kids.

I don't want to get that dog to them. Because these little children when they're that young you could crack them at that age. It's not the same. Even if they don't snap pitbulls are just really strong dogs. Whatever. The point is that

even when they get into their first pushing match at school it affects them. If a kid hits them it affects them. My dad died when I was three and I walked around like a momo for two years. I played hooky one day and got hit in the head with a fucking flashlight

and it snapped me out of it. That's who I am today. I got hit in the head with a thermos. I got into a fist fight and I got hit with a head with a thermos. Until today I think to that like that woke me up. How old were you? 6th grade.

Not even played hooky. Went to get a hotdog. Whatever. Got hit. Seeing my own blood knowing that that could happen now makes a different person out of you. You know I was sitting there going what is going to happen to mercy? Like what kid is going to push it down

and hurt a feeling? It starts with something like that. I'm sure it's happening already. But it's so weird how when my mother died at that age when you lose somebody close to you and I was really Catholic

I don't give a fuck what these assholes think. I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks. God has worked for me. I don't know if he doesn't work for you maybe you're a piece of shit. But you know God has worked for me in many ways. I'll let you know when we have the time. If you want to sit with me

I'll let you know eight stories. There's a God in my life. He could be Jewish he could be a fucking black dude. I don't know who the fuck he is but there's somebody who's helped me. But when your mom gets taken away at an early age or your dad and there's no explanation

you lose something, Greg. And you lose that. I don't give a fuck. Now you become a selfish. I don't give a fuck. For years I was a selfish. I don't give a fuck. You know what? What'd you say, Greg? Fight with that fucking microphone knock your fucking eye out.

And those are the people who do knock an eye out do 30 years and you live with a fucking iPad for 30 years. You follow me senseless senseless stupidity. You know? Eventually I met people and love was brought back into my life

and stuff like that. But I never really gave a fuck. Just being Spanish right there in a way. I could be one of those guys that the words speak bothers me. Or I just one day said it doesn't bother me. Not giving a fuck it toughens your skin a little bit.

We have tougher skin. How many people have come to this time with great aspirations? Greg, that you came up with came. They got a few gums and they're back in Boston working at a bakery and they're telling you some story of them. You know what it is, Greg? We knocked up the wife and

we're real estate prices are cheaper. You know, I still go out and do an open mic night every other month when she gives me a Tuesday off. Or writers that you came out with that had big aspirations and the script got shot down. Yeah. I was the ones that got angry about it and said like

I'll show you. I'll show you. What's up, Lee? Your eyes are all red. Do you want another inhaler? Is the asthma coming back? You know what, I think the asthma might become a big journey. I'm writing that down. That's my next album. I'll show you.

Let me give some shout outs to some people here. Gordon Warnock, my main man, Tana McLeave, Mr. Lohan, James Edward Truels always been around for us. Emily Teller, Brandy Lynn, I love you. You know, happy fucking

Thanksgiving with your family, your boyfriend, everybody up there. Roger Kelly, and LLL, no, 101 Hosty. You never showed up with my host, the cocksucker. You're slipping. You're slipping. Where you at this weekend, Gregory?

I'm going to be December 9th. I'm going to be in Oklahoma snow. December 9th, I'm at the comedy store in LA doing 500th episode of Fits Dog Radio. Joe Rogan is going to hang out with me for a little bit. We're going to shoot the shit, talk about 500, go back over each one for an hour.

So that's December 9th. And then I'm in Oklahoma City at a place, I think at the Oklahoma something. Which, by the way, is a fucking tremendous room. Oh, really? Tremendous people. Tremendous fucking hotel.

It's a fucking room filled with savages. No shit. Savages. I went and loved every fucking minute. I'm looking to go back next year. Tremendous fucking room. Savages. They all come out. They cheer. They jump up and down. You could get dirty with them.

Fucking they take the ride. Fuck the Bible Belt. Beautiful. I hadn't heard anything about the room. I'm psyched. So we got that, and then we've got New Year's Eve in Portland, Oregon, at the Helium Comedy Club. I went up there. I came back with a pound and a half

of fucking rifa. Liquid acid. Oh, yeah. It's legal, right? DMT. I came back with everything. Michigan Juice. I came back with fucking, and right downstairs they got a beautiful medical marijuana store named Farmer. F-A-R-M-A.

Fucking great people. Go downstairs, say hello. They got every... You don't need a license. You don't need anything. Nothing. You need your driver's license telling fucking Uncle Joey sent you. I don't know nothing about it. It's like white part of my... I don't know nothing. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you.

And then they say, who's Uncle Joey? And then you say, never mind. You don't need to know about it. It wasn't a question. What else? That's it. And they say, well, why did you tell me Uncle Joey sent you? If you don't want to tell me.

And then you panic attack because you're stoned and you run home. Somebody bumped into me. I was at... What's the coffee shop? We go to... Dunkin' Donuts? Starbucks? And we're sitting in my own business. And he told me, he goes, you know...

He goes, so listen, I listen to the podcast and he goes, you remind me of my Uncle Vito, you know, you can never get a fucking straight answer out of him. You know, never. It was always... It's not that they're bad guys. And it's like that scene. That's how I was raised.

The perfect scene, when I was a kid we would get raided all the time. My mom had a bookmaking joint. So every Saturday, I worked a bookmaking. But part of my job was look out. You look at cars, we're sitting in a car. Why is that car there? Why is that dude there? He just learned

how to photograph scenarios and who's out of place. Those old school neighborhoods, it's not who's there, it's who's out of place. That dude wasn't there last week. And those neighborhoods, they're old school spicks and, you know, black people and white Irish people, they don't move.

That's their spot. That's been their spot for 30 fucking years. How many bars do you go to in Boston? That's Mel's chair. Who the fuck is Mel? Mel's been coming there. Don't be in that chair at 505 when Mel comes in here. Mel's been sitting in that same...

It's something about who we are. So you learn to see not who's there but who's out of place. So I used to work at this place and I remember that the cops would tell you when they were going to come to raid you. So instead of you having $10,000, have $1,400.

Let's take something in. You know what I'm saying? And in those days a lot of people don't know this. Bookmaking is a ticket in New York City. It's a felony in New Jersey. I think it's a ticket in New York City. They give you a ticket. They give you a fine. They take $400 off the table, whatever.

But it's so weird how you learn how to lingo. Because everything you say is used against you. Everything you say is used against you. A lot of people don't realize that shit. There's one cop that's sitting and there's one cop that's listening.

As soon as you get in the car while you're sitting or your handcuffs on, he's writing something. What the fuck do you think he's writing? What the fuck you just said? Remember in Goodfellas when he pinches the kid on the street selling cigarettes? What's he say to him? It's alright.

It's alright. Come on, kid. It's alright. It's alright. He didn't say his name. Who he was with. That's it. It's amazing how many times I got arrested

and I would throw them the fuck off with a couple fucking words. Because they weren't used to that shit. They were used to people talking. And you're still talking. But you ain't saying nothing. Drives people fucking nuts. So what do you do?

It's like jujitsu. It's like verbal jujitsu. You're not committing your weight in any one direction. You're balanced. You're right in the center. You're in your own weight. And then you can go any direction

any time. What are you doing for Thanksgiving? You still didn't bring the fucking turkey over, did you? No. What the fuck did you want for Thanksgiving? The fuck is wrong with that? Chicken.

Who the fuck is chicken on Thanksgiving? Instead of being rude. Rouse gives you a fucking turkey if you spend over 50 bucks. Free turkey. This fucking moulash. I go get the fucking turkey. Bring it over and say they gave it to me.

I can't do that. Why don't you make it for Thanksgiving? Very innocently. You're the Boston market. They have a family they may do. You're the new white fucking son. Change the rules. So next year I'll do it.

There ain't gonna be no next year. This year. You got 24 hours to prepare. You got 24 hours to go over there with the fucking turkey and go I just got this at Rouse. I can't do nothing with it. Let's fucking cook it up. She's fucking Mexican.

They love that shit. They love that factory. Give them the homeless people. Give those birds to the pigeons from El Barrio. Give those fucking things away. He's turkey. It's a family thing. Who gives a fuck?

So is fucking cancer. It's a family fucking thing too. He just calls your dinner cancer. Yeah. A chicken. A chicken is something on the side. Chicken is the thing you have the night before. Chicken with salsa verde.

It's fucking delicious. So you're selling your fucking everything you got American for some chicken with bacon and salsa fucking verde. It's people who eat fish. It doesn't matter. I have turkey at some point.

You gotta have it tomorrow. First meal up dog. That's tradition. Jews fucking came over here to have a better life. It's not for you to eat a fucking chicken with bacon on it. It's insulting to everybody. It's insulting to everybody.

Now I understand it's a tradition. You know what my tradition is on Thanksgiving Day? Having somebody lick my asshole with a coke rock in it. That's my tradition. I wish I could do that for Thanksgiving. Just going to what's that happy baby yoga position. Have a hot Chinese chick come over

and just put little rocks in my asshole and suck it and jerk my fucking dick off. That's my tradition. I would love to do that for Thanksgiving. You think I want to hang out with white people and pray and hear boring fucking stories? But, guess what? You gotta eat a turkey on Thanksgiving.

So don't offend me no more, right? When you leave here, go over the fucking and just buy one and bring one over there and go listen, they gave me this. What do you want me to do? So just for the record, Blake, you eating chicken on Thanksgiving is cancer. It's cancer.

So what you want me to do for Thanksgiving is a coke rock in your asshole while an Asian girl eats it out and jerks you out. That's what you want on Thanksgiving. Not even close. Not even close experiences. That's my fucking tradition. I wasn't going to tell this story, but it kind of matches up now.

You had Joey on your podcast and radio show a couple years ago and you had me on. And I think about this all the time. You asked me a question that I think about constantly. He said, what's the hardest part and I said something stupid like, oh, it's all fun.

And I was like, this part is the hardest part. What about me telling you the truth? What's the fucking truth? It's chicken. Who cares? Who cares? It's chicken. It's not about what you eat. This family can eat whatever.

2000 years ago, these fucking white momos were hanging out minding their own business with these fucking hats on and these fucking little suits on like the Jacksons in the 60s with tights on. And they had nothing.

Some people had corn. Some people had whatever. They had a turkey. Some people had nays. Some people had bread. And also, boom, the horizon, they saw some Indians. And I wanted to jump any other fucking day of the week. I'd have to stab those motherfuckers. But these guys, they seem like friendly people.

You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you shoot a black guy like that fucking dude in Chicago. How many times do you shoot that boy? 14 in the back. Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. He's going to die in that. Oh, he's going to die in jail.

And they said, fuck it. You want to come over and eat? And the fucking people said, well, we got some of this and we got some of that. Well, what can we get? And we get a fucking chicken or a pigeon? They said, no, it's not enough for all of us. But if we make a few turkeys,

all 30 of us could fucking eat. And all of a sudden, every year, people started fucking doing their turkeys. You following me? It was 1,000 years ago only. What the fuck had happened? I'm not good with dates. The point of the story is, let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something about my world. One of my tightest friends in the world was a girl by the name of Stacy Poca Luda. She's a comedy publicist. I love Stacy very much. I went to a house one year, which was already a taboo, because she had Thanksgiving at six o'clock. That's always a bad sign.

I'm a pot smoker. Get that turkey ready by two. Three the fucking latest. And I'm talking, that turkey better be fucking sliced at three. Don't bring it to the table at 3.30. I got to eat fucking potatoes and bread. I'll have a fucking can of shit. Two is two.

There's a rematch at around 10 o'clock at night. That's right. In whose world is that? You're talking about seven o'clock. I'm talking about 5.15. If you eat at two, you're making a fucking turkey on Wonder Bread by five o'clock and you're in my room.

Because I'm getting you high. Right or wrong. After that turkey. Are you smoking between courses? Smoking. I'm smoking all day tomorrow on Periscope. I might even go to church tomorrow morning and smoke right in front of the fucking church on Periscope just to let these motherfuckers know

how it's done. I love... Anyway, back to Stacey Boca Luda. I waited. I held that all fucking day. I went up there at six for starters. She gave me fucking box mashed potatoes.

The worst mashed potatoes I've ever had in my life. Stacey. If anybody knows me and anybody knows anything about me, I'm so sensitive that I was drawn to tears and I'm not ashamed to say this. I was very upset that I was so upset that I got home, went to bed

and my wife woke me at three in the morning. She said she knew how upset I was that she made the turkey mashed potatoes and stuff. And I got up, took a shower, drank coffee, smoked the joint and ate turkey till six in the morning. That's because my wife... Your wife did that for you?

That's how serious she was. That's beautiful. I didn't talk to Stacey for eight fucking months. She kept calling me. She didn't know why. And one night I had to say, you know why, Stacey? Because she made the worst mashed potatoes I've ever had in my life on Thanksgiving night. Wow.

And out of all the nights to make a fucking bad mashed potato, it's not that fucking night, okay? Right. If you don't know something, don't fucking do it. Call somebody who does know. It's Thanksgiving. Don't fuck nothing up. So I take Thanksgiving very fucking personally. No, I do.

So please, don't even say another word. Once we leave here, go to Ross and get a chicken, please. I'm turkey. And bring it over there tonight. Unannounced. Unannounced. Ring the fucking bell. Go upstairs and go, Mom, I love you.

You're not going to believe what happened. And get some flowers too. Go for the fucking small 50. And stop being a fuckhead all your life. Let's put our foot down now. So everybody knows that at least I had exist before you become that white fucking son-in-law in the corner and nobody talks and you like to get the, and you got the hiv.

Go over there tonight. Get the fucking turkey and the fucking flowers. And you bring them over to the mom and say, Mom, happy Thanksgiving. Some potatoes, some real fucking potatoes. Yes, just so there's no misunderstandings. And you go here, they gave me this at Ross. I'm fucking embarrassed, but it doesn't fit

in my freeze and I don't know what to do with it. Why don't you make it tomorrow and give her a kiss and walk out. Don't say what you, no, no, no. Say, why don't you make it tomorrow and kiss her and turn around and walk away. And when you get there tomorrow at 2 o'clock you bet your ass don't be a fucking turkey there. It could be a chicken and some bacon.

You never ask. You assume the clothes. She's Spanish. They love cooking. Bring the fucking turkey over there, Lee. There's a night you're going to upset me very much. Not as much as yesterday when you went the fucking subway after the nice workout we had.

Subway bad? So there's more low fat than McDonald's. This fucking guy did a tremendous kettlebell workout. He was slinging 61 fucking pounds. I didn't even pick up 61 pounds yesterday. For how long? Fucking for an hour. We go every Tuesday.

Do you do aerobic as well, or is it just just weights? We were in the middle of 10 for 15. We do 10 for 15 kettlebells. Then we do cleans. We did squats yesterday. Sometimes we do the ropes. But I go there every Tuesday, but I have

Trump and then I do it one day in front of the house. Then when I go on the road Friday and Saturday I just lift weights in the hotel. There was dumbbells in the elliptical cell. That's what I try to do. Then I go to one or two jujitsu. Tomorrow we're going to jujitsu. You taking Lee? Yeah.

Lee's going to a competition next week. That's how ballsy this motherfucker is. Really? Then I'm taking him Saturday at one o'clock to Higgins. We're going to Higgins one. Higgins found out. We're going to take you to Higgins, bring you Lee, the sannable, and my cousins in town, Julio Rodriguez. He's teaching at Higgins

at 11 o'clock on Saturday. Let's go down there. Fuck yeah, Lee. You getting ready dog? This is it motherfucker. Okay. Let's do it. He sounds enthused. You know once he gets there bro, he's good. Is he an animal? Listen, he's got this foot

he inherits. See those Jews from Auschwitz over the years. What's the thing that they got in their systems? The chromosome. Whatever the fuck they got. Anyway, that's what they got. The tie sacks or whatever. The fucking foot. He's got a foot. He's heavy and short.

So it's not like Joe D is laying on you that I could roll you like a fucking bowling pin. You can't roll you at all. You're heavy as fuck. Don't be saying that shit. You threw me off you the other day. No, I'm not at all. He just gases out because instead of pulling me down he wants to fucking judo throw me

and then he pulls up that little alligator foot of his. You know. What do you mean? What kind of foot? Like a football? No, no, no. We both start on our knees. We're both even. But if he gets on his fucking feet he says my height. It's hysterical. So they tip me over. He picks up that

little Jew club and he fucking throws me down because he's got the strength of 10 fucking Hercules. Does he? Look at him. And he wrestled in high school. He's one of these guys that's he doesn't know. He has no fucking idea what he's doing. Every time I'm wrestling all you hear is me

going because every time he moves one day I had him in a half god he stuck his foot. The Jewish people the club from Auschwitz I didn't know this about the Jewish. What do they got? Chromosomes. How do they get people? DNA! They got good DNA in their feet

and they fucking open heat. When his feet go down on you, they cut you. Nobody has ever broken my... I had a fucking purple thing inside my thigh. Yeah? Lee. Holy shit. I would have never guessed. But I got a dragon. A small fence that just you don't look like today like an athlete.

No, this is the first time I've worked out of my life. We got a dragon because if I don't drag him once he gets there he's Johnny Hercules. Yeah. Like the other day I'm watching him he starts swinging to 61 pounds and this is what I like about people. There's some people that you got to take to the dance

I want to take to the dance. You know it's like these guys I say well she's not going to suck my dick. I'm thinking for the steak dinner. What's that? You never know. The steak, give her the tiramisu. A glass of white wine. She might have a different tune. You know what I'm saying? They never want to suck dick. Somebody got to

talk them into it. No woman woke up one morning and said you know what? Today I want to suck a dick. Every woman had to get talked in to suck in that first dick. Who do you think? And then you know I had a guy for a friend of mine in high school told me this that he dated a girl for four years till college.

She never sucked his dick and she married his friend and they got divorced she is late and he asked him how good was Lisa's blowjob and he's like what are you talking about? She wouldn't do it. He goes what are you kidding me? I had her blowing me fucking everywhere in cars eating my ass. Right. It's like that girl

that everybody fucks in high school but she won't fuck you. I had that girl. We all had it. Yeah. You took a home. She was fucking everybody except me. I was the friend. You busted out the wine glass. Your father's wine glass and they're like oh no I'm not that type of girl and you played along for a while. Right. Until the end of the night when

she's had it on. You know what? You're a fucking whore. Everybody fucked in the ass. You dirty bitch. Get out of my eyes. Oh no. I'm not going to go to me. Who gives a fuck? Welcome to the Thanksgiving podcast. For the Uncle Joe. Lot to be thankful

for. Lot to be fucking thankful for. Don't forget that turkey cocksucker. Remember that song Ricky Don't Lose My Number? Ricky don't forget about me. Bring the turkey over. You gotta set your mark on and force it. You don't want to be the third son in the back of the room like a

fucking mamalook. I'm not but I'm not gonna bring a turkey over there. You live near your mom? No. She lives in Boston. Oh so she's in town. No. His mother-in-law. His mother-in-law. His mother-in-law. His mother-in-law. Is she lives nearby? Yeah. They're Spanish. They love to cook. There's four of them.

They're gonna make chickens. How many chickens are you gonna make? Bring a fucking turkey over and get the party out. Why are you so scared? I'm not scared. Yes you are. This is not about I don't like turkey. You eat a scab off a fucking foot. You eat turkey from fucking subway. Yeah.

That means you'll eat anything. Yeah. Right so stop it. Don't say that. I don't like to eat turkey because it's dry. All of a sudden now you're trying to throw a dry fucking thing in there. Grab a leg. Grab a leg. You fucking turkey every day. Stop bullshitting me. Turkey's fine. You gotta set your mark on and

force it. Bro what? I moved here. I had a lot of things games where I didn't have anybody to have it with. Now I'm having it with this girl that I've been dating for two and a half years. I don't give a shit. I really don't. I don't care. I'll eat turkey at some point or maybe I won't.

It doesn't matter to me. Why does turkey matter? Because it matters. You gotta have it. It's fucking America. It's America. You gotta set your mark on and force it.

That's it. They're gonna eat chicken every fucking year. You gotta bring a turkey. She's gonna cook anyway. She's a great cook. She loves to cook. Bring the fucking turkey over there and set the rules for next year. You believe what I gotta do? Yeah, but that doesn't take like eight hours. It takes like eight hours. You set it up in

the morning. It's not eight. It's maybe six hours. I love all that shit. You throw it in the morning and it's a whole day together. It's not just about eating the turkey. It's about the process. You stuff it. You clean it. You tie its little fucking legs together and then you wait and the house starts to smell like turkey and you watch some football.

You fuck around with your girlfriend in the other room for a little while. Whatever it takes. I know you're gonna get high and you're just gonna keep smelling that turkey as you get high and hungry and then that shit comes out and it's got wet stuffing coming out of its pussy and you eat that and you

get some real mashed potatoes and you get some sweet potatoes and you put gravy on all of it and then you just say this is, this is a lot to be thankful for. I also want to thank my man, Dante Gazini for the beautiful cards, Savage Dad.

I can mail these out to all my prison friends. I got a few, I have a prison pen pal. I'm taking one of those home with me. It's going on the fridge. I need you to sign it. I need you to write a note on it. You want me to write Happy Holidays to my main Irish? Yeah, I'll write something from the heart. Absolutely.

It's a beautiful picture, Joey. You can see the love. Something about pictures of people from behind is their walking hand in hand. That doesn't, that doesn't get tired. I love that. I got a nice picture of my, my wife, my two kids holding both their hands walking

away. It's one of my favorite pictures. I got to get out the cards because Joey, you reminded me that you got to send those fucking cards out to people, you know? I sent it out to family and they were all touched, friends. Sometimes you don't talk to a friend all year but they get that card from you and it's like you're still in touch.

Listen, a card or letter, it says a lot. Yeah. It says you took the time. You got to lick the fucking stamp. Right. How many people even have a fucking stamp in their house? Stamps.com. People don't have stamps in Illinois, you know what I'm saying?

You got to lick. I love writing that dude letters in jail. Yeah. Like, I don't write them every week but I wrote them for Thanksgiving to keep his chin up. Yeah. So weird how when you're locked up, you're like, oh, this is going to be the worst week of my life. You know what? My Thanksgiving in prison

was fucking tremendous because it was no bullshit. Yeah. Stolk top mashed potatoes and white turkey. I'm in. Yeah. I don't want no more. I don't want nothing. Once I go to your house and I see wall nuts and grape nuts and I got this recipe from the pilgrims cactus and octopus

blood and the stuffing. I got to go. That's why I have my wife make that early. So when we go out tomorrow night, there's no misunderstanding. Right. She's always at a people's houses. They want don't we put pork chops one year we went from somebody's house. They put a turkey with a fucking pig

in a fucking lizard's ass. What did they do? That's your Duncan. Oh, yeah. They put a fucking duck in a fucking turkey with sausage. Yeah. And I saw that dark meat from the duck. Oh my god. That's the day. That's the year I cried.

That was the worst. I'm tired. I didn't talk to Stacy dog. Eight months dog. Eight months. I had a Thanksgiving with some friends. We usually do family and we did a friends thing this year. And we go over there and I bring two turkeys. We go to Ralph's. I got my two turkeys. I spent 50 bucks one time. I went back the next day spent 50 bug at two

turkeys. Bring them over the house. Stick them in the oven. We spend the day together. They serve the meal. Too much food. There's not not that many people show up. There's an untouched turkey at the end of the meal. We go to leave and we're waiting for a plate.

And they give us some mashed potatoes, some sweet potatoes, some brussel sprouts. And I think there must be another plate because there's no turkey on here. And they didn't offer any turkey. They kept the turkey. Kept the whole fucking thing.

Sent us home with nothing. And I didn't talk to that guy for a little while. Fucking savages. So that was the guy from Irvine. Yeah. The general manager and he was Dan. He used to run Bryant. Yeah, he's back and forth now. But it's hysterical. Ever since we've been

going with this deal back and forth, I kept telling them, listen, I don't want no fucking drum. I'm showing up with two Jews with calculators that night to count the chairs. You guys say there's 500 chairs in there, but there's really 581. And that one, that's 20 fucking. You know what I'm saying? They don't understand.

People don't understand, you know. So this morning I called them. I'm like, not only do I have one, I got two Jews going down. It's like a fucking three camera shoot. I got clickers coming from everywhere and those numbers better match up. He called back to say,

I don't care if you have people with clickers down there. So now we got them sweating. We got the guy with the clicker down there. So you gotta do those fucking people. I did a club in Florida. I won't say which club. And yeah, the contract said 340 was in maximum combat

because just so people know we get paid bonuses when we hit sellouts. And the sellout then should be, according to the contract, 340 seats. That's what it says is the maximum in the room. I get there, the place is almost completely full. They tell me the next time I didn't hit

the bonus, I go, let's go count the chairs right now. Because I counted 435 chairs. You said 350. That's 85. You're telling me there was 85 empty chairs last night? And oh, it starts fucking better in. And yeah, we don't have to count

the chairs. You know, sometimes we add chairs when they were left over from last week. Give me the bonus. And we're good. So you gave me the bonus. Sure. But can you imagine 80 fucking chairs they're trying to pretend aren't there? That's you guys know at home that it's not just a catwalk. We show up there

and they want to give you your money. Even at the end, they give you fucking fake figures. Yeah. That's why I'm bringing you tonight fucking my main fucking jewel. You coming down Lee? He's got that fucking I am dead. I got three clickers in my pocket. This motherfucker could see a penny under a carpet.

He's got three division. He just looks at the room and he closes his eyes and tells me a number. And he's five off. That's how good this motherfucker is. So you do stand up at all? You just hang out? You just hang out at the show?

And I don't really go to shows that often. I go to shows locally, but yeah, just do this, the podcast. You're going to have a ride on Irvine tonight, kids. It's going to be fun. Thanksgiving, I'm saying traffic wise. Thanksgiving Wednesday driving down the 405

at what? 630? 630. Can we take the 5? Is it possible? It doesn't matter what you take. You're staring at a fucking bumper. You're going to have your ways out, your ways out, trying to tell you some magical route to take. There's no way to take it.

Listen, we got the vaporizer. You put on Fitzdogg Radio, you listen to a couple episodes. We got a full tank of gas. That's it. We got a mission from God. All right, you got a lot to talk about. We got a half a tank of gas, a full pack of cigarettes, it's dark out and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it.

And what a mission from fucking God, Lisa. Let me do the sponsors and get the fuck out of here. That's it. It's a beautiful fucking day, man. Amen. From the bottom of the church's heart, I know great feels the same way. Happy Thanksgiving to everybody who watches the show, who listens. We're thankful

for you. We're thankful for you, believe it or not. And I'll tell you what I'm thankful for. I went to the gym this morning and I wore my meundies. I don't know if you people know dick about meundies, but let me break it down for you, all right? Meundies are these underwear that

are as comfortable as can be. And I hate traditional white underwear. That's why I went commando after years. But once I established meundies, I went back to wearing underwear, especially when I usually go to jiu-jitsu and stuff in a wrestling. Yeah, you went somewhere around. Your fucking nut pops out.

And then you got to wrestle or not out. You know how many times I squished my nut. I don't need that aggravation in my life. I'm sick and tired of that white thing. You know, I want my fucking underwears to be comfy. I don't even know where to start to be honest with you. But if you don't just want to wear underwear comfy, you

want to wear the world's most comfortable underwear. That's what meundies comes in, all right? Every pair of meundies is in a roll. He's in a roll. Which doesn't sound sexy. But once you feel meundies, you'll never go back to regular hole underwear again. With meundies you'll feel more comfortable than ever

before. Meundies has a ton of different colors to choose from. It's the only place where you find styles for both men and women, mix and match. Plus they change designs every month. And with the holidays around the quarter, oh shit, meundies is coming to your fucking mailbox, all right? Now trust

me, these are not your parents fucking stuffers. Do me a favor. Let's start from the scratch. Go to meundies.com right now. Take a look at the great selection of underwear, men's t-shirts, long underwear. Buy some women's underwear. Throw those on. It's Saturday night.

That's right. What do you care? Take a chance. They're soft. They're soft as hell. This is the best pair of underwear you ever have. But don't fucking try, you know, whatever. Go to meundies.com right now. There's no more to offer you. Right now for the holidays 20% off your

first order. Plus all the orders in U.S. and Canada, boom! On the cuff, on the arm. We even have a money back guarantee of meundies. So if you don't love your first pair of meundies, you get to keep them in a full refund. Refund. Refund. I don't even know what a refund is. Refund.

Refund. So I'm sorry about that. So you have nothing to lose. Order before December 13th and your meundies will arrive before Christmas. Again, order before the 13th and you'll get them before Christmas. And the first 20% off your first order

are the world's most comfortable underwears. Go to meundies.com slash joey. That's meundies.com slash joey. You're not going to be sorry. They're great underwears. Listen last week I didn't tell you about this, but let me drop it on you right now. A lot of your people you're fucking lonely. You're

a half a month. You don't know what to do in your life. You know, you work all fucking day and the last thing you want to do after work is go stand on line and you know, you go to some fast food joint and you got to go home and cook some complicated meal and it's

expensive. Unhealthy takeout is even any better. That's where a new service Blue Apron comes in. Blue Apron delivers farm fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your home, allowing you to create a healthy, handcrafted meal without going to the grocery store. Bro,

it comes right to your door. It's phenomena. It comes in a box. It's refrigerated and it's less than $10. Blue Apron sends you fresh ingredients. Perfectly proportioned. I mean to the fucking thing. All you got to do is put them in there. It makes cooking more healthy and it's easy and fun. No trips

to the grocery store. No, you forgot this. I forgot that. Nothing. Everything is in that box. All right. And you don't waste no time with unused ingredients, but you know how to cook. Who's better than you? You learn with specialty ingredients that are normally hard to find. Blue Apron is perfect

for date night. You meet some chicken tomorrow. You want to get it back to your place. You want to seduce it. Fucking, how do you want to get to a pants through food? Boom! There you go. It's perfect for a date night cooking with friends and they even offer family plans with kid-friendly ingredients.

So if your kid's a half a schmo, and he's allergic to peanut, fuck him. We got something to take care of. So the whole family can eat well and have fun preparing meals together. Each balanced meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving. And this food is tasty as hell, man.

Let me tell you what they got next week. They got chili rub steak next week. They got crispy crap, catfish ramen. All right. That's what they got next week. The family plan, they got seared cod with garlic, ginger, rice. And they got, listen to this, pork chops

with mostarda, sweet potatoes with walnuts and blue cheese on them. I'm getting hungry. I'm telling you, blue apron don't mess around. Each meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving. I'm not telling you this. And they don't send the same

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meals. Like I told you, who's better than you? When was the last time you cooked a chili rub steak? When was the last time you cooked a seared cod with garlic, ginger, rice? Never. So give it a shot. You're going to cook incredible meals and you'll be blown away by the quality and the freshness. Blue

apron, it's a better way to cook. I tell you what I'm going to do for you for Christmas. Uncle Jerry, right now I'm going to give you two meals on the arm for free. Gratis. Go to blueapron.com slash joey. My treat. I'm telling you. Two meals on me when you go to blueapron.com

slash joey, all right? Also, on it, always on it. You're traveling. Shroom tech immune. You want more conditioning when you do aerobics or you want to breathe better. Shroom tech

you want to make a protein powder that doesn't, you know, you don't need 50 grams of protein. Your body can assimilate it. Two scoop of hemp protein. 32 grams of protein. But listen, who the fuck am I to sit here and tell you what's cracker locking? Go to

honor.com right now and press in church and get 10% off your first order and they have to stay on the program. They also have kettlebells and supplements. They have an array of great things. But listen, who the fuck am I to tell you? Go to honor.com right now and take a look at the superb

list of supplements they have available to you right now. That's honor.com. So again, happy Thanksgiving. I want to reach out to blueapron and me on these and thank them for supporting the show and my main man, Reg Fitz for coming on and having a blast

with us here. Thanks, brother. Happy holidays. That was a fucking blast. I laughed my ass off today. I haven't laughed that hard in a long fucking time. I'm real laughing at that fake fucking TV shit you people use to have fucking kid flying in the window in Animal House. Dropping on them, Lisa.

Yeah. This show is brought to you by blue. He sounds like he's in Pakistan giving a hostage message. Look at this fucking. They got a rifle to his head. Say it. Say it.

Infidel blue friends and gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free. Just go to blueapron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with blueapron.

That's blueapron.com slash Joey. Look at the camera when you're talking. Take your time, man. Don't worry about nothing. We got a fucking night. We do. This is also brought to you by me on these.com slash Joey.

I'm here under my own free will. I promise. How are you going to drive to Irvine? I'm not. You're going to Irvine. No, I'm not. All I know is give me a 20 minute head start.

I'm captain Kirk of the Uber then. Okay. Go to me on these.com slash Joey and look at all their great world's most comfortable underwear. At me on these.com slash Joey. Every pair of me on these is made

with micro mode all fabric which doesn't sound sexy but once you feel your me on these you'll never go back to old underwear again. Did you just read all this? Yes. I don't know why he's doing this. I don't know. Why are you doing the whole thing? Close the goddamn show. What do you

for Christ's sake? Okay. Thank me on these deck on it and thank the other people. Let's boogie with stew with death and get out of here and go get that turkey before six o'clock. That's it. No more fucking around today. Ralph's bringing you Thanksgiving year after year. That's right.

They give you a free turkey if you drop the short hundred today. Go in there and tell them. Oh shit. Happy Thanksgiving. Didn't he just say that? Lee. The beauty of it was he goes,

didn't he just say that and he goes, I don't know. Happy Thanksgiving. You're fucking hilarious. You're fucking hilarious. I I I

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