Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #338 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: December 2, 2015

Bert Kreischer, Comedian and Host of the "Bertcast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10%discount at checkout. Recorded live on 12/02/2015. Music: The B-52's - Dr. Private Idaho The B-52's - Rock Lobster Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - A Woman in Love

she laughed at my face this show is brought to you by me undies she blew a guy named mace go to me undies.com slash joey right now to get 20 off of your first order plus all orders in the us and canada always ship for free me undies makes all of their underwear out of mo doll fabric which is doesn't sound sexy but it's twice as soft as cotton they have shirts socks go to me undies.com slash joey to get 20 off of your first order with free shipping in the us and canada the show is also brought to you by blueapron.com slash joey go there to get two meals for free and go to on it.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like alphabrain new mood or stream tech immune and

stream tech sport oh shit december 2nd that's right it's december 2nd listen to this motherfucker are you kidding me listen to this fucking guitar he hasn't stopped the step december 2nd wednesday the day the devil was buried at sea i like this fucking music i'm gonna have to fucking buy this and jog home to this they're on the top of that game here right here 1980

the guitar player was still alive do you watch here right look kick that will you kick that guitar kick the lead this is tremendous and they're from georgia yeah elena or aphids i think yeah aphids yeah aphids of college time oh dude i listen to this all b-52 album b-52's album you know the the the the one in the 90s came out remember that one with the pink not rock lobster but like other one the one about love shack yeah yeah love right now i lost my virginity to that when that came out that girl was obsessed with that album b-52's a fucking i saw them one new years and it was the first time that i knew i was a new yorker yeah in all those years i didn't know what it meant to be a new yorker

until i went to see the b-52's 1980 81 with a kid named who i love and miss daly for any basa sudo and we all eat a bunch of fucking koi ludes and got fucked up and i mean at this point in our lives these guys were huge yeah i don't know or know for a fact that they were juicin but they were big and we went to see these b-52's in this city you know we're still in high school there was a word on the street that the b-52's were good or did you just go to see them roll the dice the album was insane the album was one of the staples of me growing up if i have to look at the four years in high school the war number one album that united us in high school then the albums around that definitely the b-52's rock lobster that album played for fucking months

death leopard the first the second album that album was big in my childhood yeah there's like oh van halen the first one that was heard ac dc back in black these albums were the fucking cornerstone but one of them which was completely opposite of what i was listening to yeah was the b-52's the first b-52 album was something that every party you went to for nine months had the p-52's on but it seems like something that's so anti you and your guys yeah yeah like i can't imagine you guys going to see a b-52's concert and someone going dude i like when he goes oh listen there was a couple parts where i sat there and giggled yeah giggled a little bit you know i was always open to music in those days like there's a couple parts you're sitting there going oh

how many dicks at this time we'll be seeing him in the central park later even even then but the chicks were fucking blasting it and but there was one part of the b-52 night i'll never forget and i you know when you just get up get caught up in a concert and everybody was moving they were doing rock lobster from the part where the guitar solo comes in and he's going nuts on stage boys and bikinis girls and surf boys that whole part yeah and all of a fucking sudden i looked something i'll never forget this this is like a big part of my life i looked and i don't know how many people were in there let's pretend it was 1500 people in those days yeah they were all moving in unison i had never seen that in my life these guys on stage had taken

an energy and had made the whole room you know just put on rock lobster just put it on i'll show you it was the most i've got i'd gone to you aren't live or you just want the song just rock lobster there's nothing there's nothing like that at that time at that time even now there was no uh michael reyna there was no fucking mcconnell line i'd never seen that you know what i think it is now is the edm no matter what you think about it those people those shows are fun to be like join me i go jump up and down but there's like thousands of people just like what i'm saying you're absolutely right this was the first time i saw thousands of people 1500 in unison to a song and it like broke me down go to the go to go a minute out of the song

two minutes go like to a minute till it finishes i'm in lobster right there listen to this guitar i'm sitting in this right and i'm just going like this at this point and people are bumping into me but it's not a violent bump yeah you follow me like there was no violence it's just the whole theater the whole fucking place and i have at this point right here this is brilliant is when i look at everybody was like this and i was like oh my god i'm a fucking new yorker this is real listen you know the whole room got caught in this and when the song ended like everybody just went like everybody just fucking went nuts and i had tears in my eyes and my whole body had goosebumps how old are they now they gotta be fucking 60 because i'm fucking 50

you know they would know they gotta be like yeah 58 so they were my parents age when i started listening to them they were a college band from athens georgia and i think that they even have there's a black and white youtube clip bleep put it up over on this then for berg russia so these motherfuckers no uncle joey them don't fuck around here i didn't do it i think someone's knocking on the door i thought it was a repeat of the black lady just a while ago sleeping so no we don't smoke potlain no nothing yeah and we weren't smoking that night we were smoking vapors or whatever fuck we're smoking but this video there's a black and white video that i saw years later

but this is how long the b-52s were into it and what had happened was that somebody taped this black and white b-52s rock lobster just this and at the end of it he says don't forget the tip the waitress she right there right there who the fuck you think you're dealing with look at this look at this shit this is real the band league guitar we have snapper now listen to that access it's 1980 guys what did you want me to think and what did you want i love music i didn't give a fuck what whether you were gay or not i didn't give a fuck yeah on organ and guitar we have swoop bagnell and it's just the audio and i want this and i'm slack thompson now move this into the middle you just made up everyone's names i like that slack

thompson that might be the name when i check it out go ahead listen to the sound this is real watch the people you see this this is from the 50s now at this point you had to get to the floor this was look at it see you ate three kway ludes and you had to get down to the floor the point was to get to the floor and then get up when they started guys this is crazy right you see that's the point you see how the heads drop you see people going down that was it that that was it you just gotta you just you just fucking went you just fucking went bananas you took the viola blow up you did two fucking bumps right there on the floor like a savage look how skinny he was a statement fucking this is down down down look at the hairdos these broads were committed

this is 1979 girls did a did a song with chris isaac's that was bad or icky pop remember the girl that did the song with icky pop listen to the guitar guys i'm not i'm telling you this guy was a savage i mean there's nothing like this look at the fucking singing look if he was eating the best he's fucking beautiful yeah he's beautiful look at him with the fucking cowbell 30 years before we'll fire even fucking suck this first dick look at this guy with a cowbell eggshell stopping muscle flexing tip first chipping

look at this this is this is look at this little cowbell down down you filthy cocksuckers lick those skinny nuts look at them look at them look at them look at them on the floor league you're all on like quail root haven't more time i just stayed there it took a nap i was like fucking cosby fucked me in the muffler here we go look at this it looks like bruce wilson diehard oh my god yeah with a t-shirt look at this this is real guys this is and you went to this this is in atlanta i went to the one in new york maybe a year later when they were on top of that game look at this

it's like a talk guys making potatoes making them the sun are you fucking kidding me put on your nose god put on the life god how do you know the one that's the tanning butter this is this is brilliant oh he's brilliant guys this is what real true brilliance is not giving a fuck not giving a fuck look at him do you think anyone on twitter like margaret chow afterward and tweeting people that he's brave he didn't give a fuck this guy this is the fucking 80s this is the 80s brother

oh i fucking love this guy fred what's his name fred okay i'm gonna show you guys what real fucking musical brilliance is look at downtown cafe at lanta george is 1978 we're talking almost 1978 we're talking almost you know i saw them in 80 80 80 going into 81 i want you to put on dance this mess around live i want i want to show you all day long i want to show burt this could be by the way this could be a tv show i want to show burt true fucking brilliance that was the guitar player what's the name of the song sorry dance this mess around live that was the guitar player and the uh the singer shining i'm going to show you the strength of the women in this song because this is what a band is all about it's everybody has to be fucking throwing heat keep

going on and on keep scrolling down keep going keep going that one right there that one i'm going to show you guys what brilliance is right here the women and this the the blonde remember the is something in this video that uh you feel it she takes you there and she's on h she's on h dug there's no way you could do this without h this is true these are why these women you look at them and you're like well why aren't they getting the band maybe they were cute no no no no no no i'm gonna teach you mother fuckers what it is to be a strong woman to say you know what yeah he's the leader of the band but let me tell you what i got there for you look at these brats fuck yeah look at their hair the big b high parodies you'd like to is that the dude

yeah yeah what's the name fred find out his name lee if you can let me show you real brilliance here ganga thing i was uh mickey maus songbook friend schneider is it freaks niner look at her now you're looking at this going how can joey d is like this shit because this is balls this is commitment i'll give anybody 500 bucks to get on stage and do that with a book play that he's playing a book he's playing the mickey maus songbook look at it a piano look do you understand me look at her it makes you want to rip her out of the video and fuck her brains that that

tinging you're here in the background is him playing a mickey maus songbook why don't you dance with me i'm not no lemburger i've never smelled lemburger cheese i'm not no lemburger are you fucking kidding me look at her she takes you there guys oh my god this is real brilliance right here but you guys are jumping up and down over the chicks on the side of that live well she looks like Sarah Palin man well take a look at this i'm gonna show you what real fucking talent is with wigs on red wigs look at this she's got a beautiful voice that the girl is that katie something look at her legs she's been doing

heroin since they got the first record contract look at that's a fucking real voice with wigs as she starts dancing and showing it look at that here we go the tambourine went down look at that look at this look at this Lisa yeah that is so sexy oh my god look at her with house slippers on everybody goes to parties are you fucking kidding me and he looks like them out of science guy he looks like a nerd oh my god if i had a time machine i might just go back to one of their concerts look at her she hasn't stopped dancing look at her she is adorable in this look at that she's bouncing look at her fuck britney spit fuck the little chick who shows her titties look at this look at this

oh they have three different voices and the and the one that's most distinguishes the guy and it doesn't sound like a dude fucking the girl playing the onto the right has the most beautiful voice oh she hasn't stopped guys she hasn't stopped this is you have to see this he looks like him he does do not the science guy and his own fucking king rolled up at once where are they from is it in atlanta happens so what's that happen they're american they're from

the south jack they're from the fucking south i mean if you look them up individually they're probably transplants or whatever but they're fucking white savages that's where they're from i gotta look them up and while this is going on r.e.m is brewing on the other side of town are you fucking crazy okay so the redhead was born in nigeria katie pierce you're crazy funny when you google b-52s the plane comes up three chinese people running hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

katie pierce from new jersey french nider is from oh new jersey too he's from new work let's see um we gotta be keith strucklyn the guitarist is from atlanta and cindy wilson was from athens georgia so yeah georgia and new jersey the r.e.m Where they from press there for math and see yeah, bro. This was so I wonder if I wonder Fred and Michael Stipe ever had sex It's a good question. Maybe we'll get him on the podcast The only Joey the first joke I ever wrote was in college And I used to play the guitar from our tourney house And I make up songs about the guys in the journey and the first joke I did was this is my impression of the lead singer

The B-52s singing Jane says by Jane's addiction Jane says Done with Sergio Man I look you look back at that. I miss I miss when you I'm you know I miss getting obsessed with an album Like when you're a kid you get obsessed with an album and you couldn't and it just seems like you were taking a part of necklace Like it just seemed like it would just get more and more you'd find nuances and songs that you never you know I mean the last album I ever got obsessed with was like a Wilco album before I had kids once I kids I can't I don't know if I feel like I can't when you're on the road and you know by yourself in your room at

Ten o'clock at night. You just want you talk to the wife. You say good night to the kids You don't open up the computer and just go to YouTube and press you know David Bowie and no worry. Yeah, I got hooked on I got hooked on the weirdest fucking out I Put on goodbye yellow brick road By Elton John. Yeah, they have all these albums on YouTube So when all else fails You put the fucking album on

You put the earphones on you put your notebook out and you listen to three or four songs and you close it You go back to that song You go back to the album. I do it all the time, you know I'm obsessed with right now is Finding songs that are in movies where they use the song but an editor for a movie edited the movie and with the song Does that make sense? Like what they do with the Wizard of Oz and no, no, no, no Just like when a song is used in a movie like finding that clip of the movie where the song is used

like one of the most beautiful ones ever is a is space oddity oddity in Walter Middy when he does ground control to major Tom It's a beautiful moment because he's jumping in an helicopter like I love that shit I love when people can take music and put it into the editing It's like I think that's why the way I listened to music mostly was I'd edit a music video in my head of what I would do In that scenario, you know what I mean, but but yeah That's like one of the cool because it really accentuates and then you wonder if that's like if they stole Whatever idea like if David Bowie didn't have the technology back then to make an make like a music video for him

That would be representative of what he wanted it that song to be what that song meant. You know I mean When I was editing that was my favorite part of it of editing when you take a song and you put it down and just fits perfectly It's like the best feeling in the world. I don't know. It's Like I was watching your vlog and the song you put at the beginning was perfect. Oh, yeah as someone who used to edit I was I was watching I was like that's like it it makes a huge difference makes a huge dude You know what you know? Can I tell you something I obsessed about that vlog is getting it so that at the very end It's snapped on the beat. You know what I mean?

And you I used to spend hours just doing that like it would have been done But I wanted to I wanted to hit on that beat you wanted to hit on the beat because it's so much better that way Yeah Yeah, if anyone wants to check out I'm doing a vlog this month every every day or every other day. I Just got into it. I you know I'm like still doing my podcast, but the podcast are so much more They take so much more work, you know to get you know what I mean getting guests is so hard And then sometimes it's like last night Yes, you called me like we talked Monday. I guess what day is today Wednesday like we talked Monday

You said give me a call if you want a podcast I'll be there in 10 minutes and then I get to the place like Monday night where I'm like I should call Joey and then I was like You know what man? We're fucking working so hard. He's just not with his family I just spent time with my family and I'll just see it when I see him. You know what I mean? I gotta tell you something. I gotta tell you something There's some nights I really want to go to the comedy store and I really want to do comedy and there's some nights I wish somebody would call me at 20 after night and Say let's do something innocent or something innocent

My favorite is getting in a car Smoking a joint and you drop me off when the joint finishes. Yeah, if there's a car valve and you want to stop and get a milkshake That's your night out. So when I say to you once the kids go to bed And your wife and you realize I'm not gonna give her a stabbing You ever get to that point in the night when you look at your wife, you know, tonight She's not gonna let me give me a piece of that was Monday night. Yeah, there's no use in me being around here What is she here for? I'm trying to teach leaders. Would you tell them? Yeah, but there's sometimes if you're just gonna sit here We're gonna talk if I gave you a stab in this morning and I'm looking at you at 12

And I'm looking at a stabbing is not in the future till midnight. Let me give you a ride home Come back and get you. I'm gonna have you sitting around staring at me all day like a fucking vampire We've been together for 15 years. There's no Listen, there's fucking shark tank on and I'm hoping you give me a little piece, which will be fast Yeah, my pieces of four minutes and we talk for eight and then I either go to sleep or I get dressed and I leave Yeah, just out of habit. I gotta go We don't I gotta go Around Starbucks, I'm trying to teach him this he thinks like a kid. No, you still leave. Yeah

I go to 7-Eleven and get fucking jerky. You gotta do something. You can't sit there like a half a fag and talk That's it. We gotta go for walk. That's it up. That's it. I gave you a stab You're gonna sit down one chip. They know chips out out I'm trying to see he thinks like I'm kidding like I said he and I go What do you do with her from Thursday to Sunday if you don't do nothing and you just sit there You go to the right and you go to the why you just sit there with yeah, fuck that you're going home You're going home and I'll pick you up at 9 when it's time to fucking suck Until that time I'm minus 80 and I got a city entertain your day

I could be doing a thousand fucking things. I could be doing a thousand things So have you hit me up at 20 after 9? Yeah, once mama comes in with the look that I'm kind of tired You know what whatever next? You're looking I'm sitting there. How many sons of apples that how many sons of anarchy's in the soprano episodes can I watch? Until somebody just caught me say it Let's do the podcast. I could I could let's do a part because that's a better thing sometimes that somebody hits you When you're not thinking the best podcast you're gonna do is when you're not thinking Yeah, you can call to a podcast and the whole drive daily when I'm gonna talk about what a fucking house

Yeah, but if you call me at 9 20 when I got out dog What kind of conversations do we have at 10 o'clock late in the morning or night and the fuck at night you fuck Just about what we're gonna do the next day. No, but we have crazy. Oh, yeah There's two of them there's either a business call or he calls and he's already giggling as I pick up the phone I'm stone as fuck. I'm sitting in my living rooms. I'm communicating with my cats my wife's in the bedroom with earphones on watching something Oh, they're fucking morons. Yeah, I never know who he's talking to it's either me the cat or his wife Like he talks like the other day you're yelling at Demi for like three phone calls Like in the morning the afternoon and night Demi was fucking with you all day. Oh no Demi destroy, you know

Demi's just one of those cats that Demi looks for shit people are annoying Yeah, like there's a cat laying down Demi a look at him and then walk over and then just stab him with one of his nails Just to see what the cattle doing is like Demi why he bought it? But Demi is petrified of of of gray Gray is the female we daddy's cat daddy's cat as the baby calls it really she's the female we took last She's scared her own shadow, but she lives to torment Demi and super bad. Okay, and what I mean is she's always at the spot that you turn into

You have those people every time you turn there right there, and you're like finally I go listen do me a favor get the fuck away from me because you don't even give me room Yeah, okay, so Demi could be Demi could be all right, so Gray will be by the kitchen door and There'll be a cat in the little house Let's just pretend it's Lulu. Lulu don't bother nobody Lulu just wants to love and hug and purr and meow That's it. Yeah, Demi you'll see Lulu's in the house, and he'll want to fuck with it But if Lulu is nine out of ten like your cats are fifty fifty

Lulu always hates Demi and always watch them in the fucking head. So I'm watching this. This is what TV This is the best TV there is yeah death four feet away I'm watching this so Demi's gonna go up to Lulu and Fuck with Lulu and Lulu's gonna swat at him and Demi's either gonna swipe back at her Or he's gonna move two feet and walk right into gray Who's gonna swat at him to who he's petrified up because great chasism makes him go into the thing and he'll look at me with His little eyes and I tell you I see it go down. I already know the move Yeah, the other day it was perfect because not only that Lulu swatted him

She actually chased me like the fuck out of here. She chased my little chasing buddy So he ran this way watching her and don't somebody realize what was going up. It was perfect He planted he's like fuck this bitch They went he looked and right there was great and she hit him right He took off he took off that's entertainment right there. That's not Netflix. That's free When you watch to when you watch animals fuck with each other like we were I was watching me and my buddy Obey We're watching this lizard Like stalk this fly and the lizard would like come after the fly

We were we were high at Alan Rieger's house when we were kids remember our kids We were like in college and we're having coffee and we had just gotten high and on the on the little like Rod iron table was a lizard that had come up and was sitting and there was a fly that was coming up and dropping And the lizard would just get closer and closer. You could see it stalking And we were both just fucking watching it and I was like holy shit And then my buddy Weecho came over and we were about to say you got to see this It's so cool to watch this other animals stalk this animal and I we go Weecho and he's like what and as soon as you said that The lizard ate the fly and there was nothing to see

We were like nothing nevermind I used to work at a seafood restaurant and they had a big fish tank and every week They'd bring guys in with bags of goldfish just to feed the other fish and it was my favorite day of the week Really, cuz you would everyone just go over and just watch these bigger fish just going to tag goldfish. It was pretty crazy There's something really primal to that to watch it animals like how many times have you googled in in in YouTube? shark versus bear or Just to see like two animals fight bear versus lion. I can't deal with it. Really can't deal with it Did you ever see the one you ever see the one on where the where the

Crocodile gets the wildebeest then the lions get the wildebeest and the wildebeest get the crocodile It's like an epic one I saw one where like a leopard or a jaguar one of those cats jumped in and got a crocodile in the water and then took it out It's like I saw it as a video on Facebook. It was crazy You could just see I think it was a leopard It was just sitting on a ledge and just was watching watching boom and just had a crocodile I saw I Think I saw two things and they were both disturbing as fuck Well, I clicked on them. There was one where I think it was a what a lion got an alligator

Oh, and the alligator was like you could see she had like little fucking alligators and shit I love that you were looking for the word of small alligators like three little fucking alligators Alligators he was like a mom they got away and the lion had her tail and She was fighting for her life and I heard the thing and I had to click it off just sound to her and then I watched one of those fucking tigers Chase a deer and again. It just doesn't do it. You know, I don't mind the run. I like to run Well, I don't want to hear the noises and the deer begging for his life. Yeah, right into him I don't need to see that. It's amazing how far our society is removed from that from that that that that

Thing that happens in nature to every animal that no animal sits and goes like well fuck Isn't that crazy? You know that in that crazy that we did that our fucking guys dead forever Like that are the person that was just hanging out with us now gone because the alligator ate him It's amazing that how far removed we are from that like as people. I mean, oh, it's rich people. There's still people People in Florida will get bit every fucking day because the alligator creep up on you You know, you go on stage to fucking get your mail and there's now we're getting your fucking mailbox in Florida You know, they're everywhere. Oh, dude, you could get bit by a poisonous snake in my backyard when I grow up

Lord, I can't deal with that shit Florida is one of those places even as a child They go on they spend the summers and the lizards freaked me the fuck out those little lizards Freak me the fuck out. It's too much. It's too quick There's a bigger lizards now in Florida now Colombians bring these fucking dragons in with heads With the long chin, you know like lizards. It's not like them. They just they just take it to a place where you don't want to be Into a place where you don't want to be Lizard at the house. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can't wait to have a three-foot five. Fuck

Oh Fuck no, fuck Fuck no, I don't want to pig. I don't want nothing Oh, I don't want to pay you get the normal thing as a cat a turtle You know the normal shit some goldfish a dog, but lizards and shit in your living room It's me and you're living where you need that. He has a bad fucking day Next you know, you're in the shower fucking a little bad fucking. Yeah Next you know, you're in the shower this thing wrapped around your leg and you can't fucking breathe and you know

Snake comes slithered. Yeah, puts his hat up. I don't even want to talk about it. No, fuck you. Fuck you I love animals, but I don't want to you know, I don't want to get in a put-up as if we had a chop one's head off I've cut a few snakes heads off my life. I did too. I did too fucking around as a kid We used to knock the tombstones over and take the snakes out and chase people with them and shit And they just won one shit on me one time. I was chasing somebody on the bill of wine and the snake shit I was chasing the mother fucker. No, I don't want to see that shit I don't ever want to see any of that stuff. I got eaten them Oh, man, the slash from guns and roses had a poisonous snake collection in the Hollywood Hills and during that

I might be making this up All those poisonous snakes got out something yeah, and it was like oh fuck I guess I'm done with poisonous snakes I'll have a family Slash is an interesting fucking guy so talented last night month to come they still and It's really weird the root the word on the street is that guns and roses are reuniting for

A tour but no the big album Coachella Oh, really? Who the fuck wants a tour when you have coachella, you know people plan their year the youth of america today Yeah plans their year around coachella Yeah, the dates the whole thing and I don't blame him if I was fucking 21 That's what I do. I'd do ecstasy for a week get my dick sucked like committee Flip parents pay for the fucking credit card. Yeah Fuck yeah living in the tent dirty your pussy smelling

You got three different type of sperms in that snatch. You know what I'm saying? It's 80 degrees You're gonna have a kid that's gonna have spots like a fucking zebra Leper You're gonna have like a fucking zebra Because you probably banged three different fucking world wide international tours And what do you think happens? You're like a cat that like the cat comes out and they got 19 different spots He's got the head of the father the foot of the grandfather's an indian tale Anyway, I heard don't

I just know what we were talking about either anyway, I heard don't cry last night My guns and roses at the counter still hit it Lee Don't cry guns and roses If and it was on and I went nuts the last 20 minutes the last Two minutes of that song Is so fucking tremendous guns and roses Well, and I have a friend steve a villa who I grew up with in a shed listening to music And he describes it the best. He says all guns and roses are

Let's go a fucking arrow smith on steroids They took it to the next level I don't know. Yeah arrow smith in the 70s 75 to because i'm thinking of 75 to 80 arrows to 79 arrow smith Was a tremendous band 73 To 78 arrow smith before joe perry left This band came along in 87

And is he in the snow in shorts? Put it on the big video dog put on the big video. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. We go the way We're gonna sit there and fucking that right I got into a I got into a guns and roses use your illusion to spiral the other day on internet Because of bob guccioni Do you remember bob guccioni? He has but his father owned penthouse or something and then his son ran spin magazine Or owned spin magazine and his son got into a fight with axl rose and axl rose and get in the ring Was like bob guccioni. I'll fuck you up like just does like a rant of tearing up bob guccioni And I was like who the fuck's bob guccioni and then I fucking found out and I was like holy shit

This is when videos were videos. This was huge guys This was huge. Were you born lee? Well, you wasn't 91. Yeah, I was born 88 Uh, yep, this came out in 91 because I remember going to the record store and getting it and tallahassee florida Yes, this came on 91 everyone's like just get the first one this this came out like november of 91 Yep, no november 91. I listen to my dad really sadly hall one of this. Come on. Lee. You're the man. Lee. Love the star He was banging this model at the time. Yeah, what's her name stephanie And she left them said he used to beat her up. No shit burn her ass with a crack pipe in the closet You didn't know that when you got a gun

One just come out 91, but I'm looking for the September 72 tremendous. This is fucking amazing Where's is he Did he leave by that point he's got thrown out. Yeah Yeah Look at look at the beginning of grunge right there. Oh look at shannon hoon. Yes. Yeah shannon hoon from blind melons Yes, fucking this is this is this is amazing shit people holy shit. I didn't know that. Yes Blind melons like my favorite band didn't he OD

OD'd new orleans off cocaine. There you go. Who do you think you're dealing with some fucking novice guys? Goddamn it, man. I'm losing my memory and yours seems to get stronger. That's the reefer Get out of here you dirty bitch. Don't ever suck my boyfriend's dick. Look at him. Look at this shit Are you kidding me ladies and gentlemen This is a deep fucking I went nuts when I heard this last night. I went nuts I'm ashamed of myself for even forgetting this shit That really high voice is shannon hoon holy shit Look at him. This is unbelievable right here. What's this fucking black jew

This is a killer right here. Look at him. He really is a fucking monster right here It's funny the whole the whole video is about them fighting with women This is this is dog. They spat milk. This was guns and roses. This is a two album release at one time league People can't release one album. These junkies released two albums back to back Use your illusion one and two I know but he just murdered his girlfriend. Who gives a fuck. He committed suicide too That's what happens when you fucking make that sound 80 million albums

Look at this shit. This is beauty. Goddamn. That's beauty right there ladies and gentlemen He's a shrink. You can't figure out why he's fighting with his chick. He's naked Stephanie Seymour was her name. Yeah, there you go. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with people here? He's bringing a shotgun to a funeral See now they were trying to do Beatles stuff who's dead who fell off the cliff This is what was the other song from this album? There was one where they fucking have the funeral and uh It's the the remake of uh, paul mccartney's only uh, no not only the good die young live and let live

Live and let die live and let live and let die. Do you know the name of the album? I could look it up. Use your illusion one and use your illusion two. When did use your illusion two come out? So use your illusion one comes out september 17th of 91 When does use your illusion two come out lisa? Oh, it's it. Oh, go. I'm not answering. I know the answer September 17 1991 Same day same day And everyone say get the blue one. Fuck the yellow one right now What's the which one was the good one the blue one? This is the blue one. Okay. What was on the blue one, dude?

It starts off with uh What we have here is a failure to communicate. Oh jesus christ. Oh jesus christ. What else? I fucking I love that This is the this is an album of my independence. Yeah, no no that's freshman year of college This is I got this and lennie kravitz have come out like right then too Nirvana came out right around this time. This is the put this is the album that made me go home when my wife said I'm leaving you we're gonna break up for a while go Jesus I got use your illusion one. I don't give a fuck. So it starts out with civil war then 14 years Yesterday's knock on on heaven's door above dillon cover. Uh getting the ring shotgun blues

breakdown pretty tied up Locomotive so fine estranged. You could be mine. Don't cry and then my world You could be mine, but uh, you could be mine. That's the song. That's the one was that very casted just texted you No, I was because he just texted me. I thought it was so I'll tell you later I thought it'd be the same text. I'll tell you later about some comedian being in town That one. Yeah. Yeah, no On your business, no worry about nothing. Look the other way. Don't even look that way. Look the other way

Don't even smile. Don't even wave. Don't fucking wave. I told you not to wave Fuck that. He's gonna come over here and give us an ear beating Keep walking. Tell him you gotta go. The kid is sick Yeah, tell him tell him the wife called you to go go come on. Tell him the kid is sick No, no, not that the kid you think he's no the fucking kid is sick. You're fucking telling me how to call We got shit to do. I got the guy waiting Oh Oh, yeah

Oh, this is this was the terminator. This is the terminator yet leave a fucking rocket So this is all so now this is the soundtrack to the terminator Oh, wow, you follow me all on one out. That's why it's blue Okay And his guitar was great on this too Oh, sorry I don't even look over here because I'm gonna fucking stab you Arnold Schwarzenegger is in this video

Right here is Joey This is gnr right here. This is getting to look at look look at the actual Are you fucking telling me Oh This this is this is this is the song that sold the album for me. This is too much. This is too much Fucking too much This sold the movie too. I remember seeing the movie in the theater. What else is on the sound? There's something else Lee. What else is on the sound? What else is on this album? There was something else on the sound that blew everybody away. I cannot fucking think I'll tell you don't cry

No, no, no Fit the batteries low What was that who knows don't worry about nothing If you hear somebody get stabbed you know, what else is on it? shotgun blues What else getting the ring? Oh, bro. That's just your phone. Oh, oh, sorry. Sorry. Um getting the rings one Where he's like uh getting the rings where he talks about bob guccioni civil wars civil war was a good one What else 14 years what else yesterday's what else?

Getting the ring shotgun blues. That was it. All right. What's on two? This is do you want me to let me look at one? Yeah, no, that's what we're talking about No, this is two. All right. We'll put on one. What's on one? Can you believe this? I thought we were talking about one podcast. He wasn't even doing those Jesus christ. We can't be like up to we we we there's this craze. I'll let's say Someone's doing a favor and do this do the research. Okay tracks

Okay, right next door to hell. I hate you giggling Right next door to hell. Yeah uh Dustin bones living let die. Yeah, don't cry. Yeah, perfect crime. Yeah, you ain't the first. Yeah, bad obsession. Yeah Black-of-bitch Pack-of-bitch double talking jive. Yeah, November rain. That's the one. November rain. Put November rain on November rain Jesus, that's the one that's the fucking one. Don't tell me I knew there was something missing November rains when they walk down the The to get married too much too much. These guys get back together

This whole generation would you go to good jealousy him? Say say say it was something nice like so you didn't have to feel can deal with crowd Let's say that I could go with one of these guys that rents the trailers and That type of stuff. Yeah, I would consider it. Maybe two three days. Watch these guys I go if I go if I could go with you Ari like a hotel the whole thing they have like my friend went and he had a hotel Look at all this shit. These were movies Lee These were costing millions of dollars to make and they were good. This is before real world This is when MTV was showing music videos

That's all they showed the shit league. You know, they cost to shoot these know what these people call you know that piano cost to rent And these guys were a fucking They were fucking high as shit You know the cost to shoot this fucking thing out in uh, Jacobs ladder whatever the fuck this is Joshua tree Joshua tree Because that's why I built that fucking yeah You know what these people cost an hour to get down to these fucking union bed So well my point is

For them to shoot for them to spend three million on this It has to bring in like 10 it has to bring in more than 10 One So it is a silly question. Do you think MTV Just got the videos for free Or did they did the videos get a share of the ad sales? Like how did that work? Well, I did hear this the other day. It's over MTV's going back to the music videos Shut up. Oh, thank god. That's it. That's it. I would love that. I would love that

What everything else is going on on TV too or something? I don't know what they're doing. I don't know the plan bleak kick this motherfucker. What the fuck? Look at her. Look at this woman. Oh, look at this woman He's dating this fucking victorious secret model people are losing their minds because everybody knows he's a filthy fucking animal He garbage out of the fucking trash can I Damn, she's hot. I wonder what she looks like now like flash Oh

So far this is the rainbow room. Yeah, right now we're looking at five We've seen five different locations that cost them tons every day He can still smoke indoors in this video And you know, they're partying on set. Oh, you know that they said we got the thing out guys. Just go get drunk. We'll film it The Jesus This brings back so many fucking memories. I'm looking at just going I was living the hell when this video was used This is crazy

This is crazy shit These were short films. Yeah Oh, I can remember where I was when I heard this song. Yeah, me too I was at Ledizio's Italian restaurant in Boulder, Colorado I had this fucking uh cd. I think it was his double cd I was driving on a two lane road in Tallahassee We used to go out to this swimming hole at night and do it build a bonfire And I was sitting in the back there taking the dip of Copenhagen

With my girlfriend who ended up fucking my best friend Four years later and she's married to the guy that we drove out with that night. Isn't that crazy? She got three jigs for the price of one That's a fucking woman right there She sucked through six for the price of one You can't get better quality in that fuck group on Here we go. Look at this shit right here. Look at this league. What do you think it costs to shoot this with a helicopter? And a fade away crane. Look at this league and people roll on the floor

You got a jib. You got a jib. This is Look at this. I'm what's that cost helicopter What's that cost lea? Come on Figure it out. Look at this Going in and out. Look at let's just think of the price what it cost to get slash out there that day How many times he missed his car? How many times oh, look at that Your brilliance people your fucking music. This was the beginning of a of a fucking movie. This was it

Another shot of hollywood another wedding on the outside The car And it's what's his name driving this somebody weird is driving on ricky rachman the riptorn Ricky rachman I used to see Ricky rachman adjustment fortune. He wanted to be a boxer He was in a box Danny by the duchy. He was taking a series of his shadow boxing And eating egg yolks and shit like rocky You like you with me? Yeah. Yeah, look at this. This is this is the look at

I'm sitting here going look this is just I got to interview slash for a tv show for very nice The sweetest kind of rolls very nice very nice very nice His wife had kicked him out and he was just drinking that night They showed up to the set and he was like does anyone have anything to drink on set? And they're like Bert does so they took him to my green room I walk in my green room just fucking slash is sitting there drinking fucking Uh, what's not scotch. What's what cognac drinking cognac out of a coffee mug. He's like you want one

See Ricky look who this told you what the guys who do you fucking you think you're dealing with somebody then it starts raining How much you think it costs for that cake but to get rained on top? This is production this is we don't give a fuck make it look great We'll have a big black guy there This is before political correctness they must have he must have been friends with somebody he said though he's doing security Rain machine Yeah, all this stuff is ruined now ruined people and they couldn't do a double take because that's all wardrobe and dry cleaners and Fucking creature features a guy with the stick. Look at the cake. There goes the cake. Oh, here's where it starts getting fucking good

This is it. This is it. Lisa. Yeah Oh, he steps up on the piano Also, she's dead. How's she after she died because of the rain look at the casket Did she get pneumonia How did she die from the wedding who the fuck knows did someone shoot look at the casket That's a $10,000 casket hat to face That's a fucking expensive casket Wait, this is this is

It's interesting that they didn't have the funeral packed out with people it's only like 50 people You have What do you think across this I'm telling you guys these were fucking expensive 80 grand. You were blown away visually you your head blew up You know how much that tickets to concerts work because of these videos this lifted the price of your thinking Mentally, you're like shit. It's gonna cost me money to go through these fucking sad So Oh, that's right, that's right. Oh shit

This is this is this is fucking just genius Yeah, I hope you guys tune into these videos we're talking about this is You know, this is a tremendous part of the fucking early 90s, man It's amazing when you meet someone that says our they were born in 91 and they never experienced this This defines music. I mean music changed so globally from when this was to when what we have now This is that first album. Oh, this is right before I went to prison. This was the big song. This was the big video Before I got locked up. That's all right. Leave it on me. We want to keep getting pulled off of youtube All right, it's okay at this point as long as the people at home to listen to they can listen to it

This is an education man. I was getting educated. I would every time this video came on I'd sit there like a fucking like lavaro them drooling from the fucking mount. I love all this shit I'm gonna listen to this one. Look at how small the crowd is that they're playing into. No, this is a rehearsal. Yeah You're gonna realize this is before they made this before they were famous make the fucking thing big ugly Wampa video Look at this. This was yeah, this is what I made it big This is the first time this is when getting tattoos meant something Yeah, you had to get a tattoo of you party with these motherfuckers now fast forward this will we go a minute

We've all heard this let's go to the guitar solos. Do you ever see this? I've heard this song. I've never seen this. Are you fucking kidding me? Fast forward this way. Joe, you know, we got to introduce them to the fucking Guns and roses g&r lies Let me tell you we got to introduce some of the guns and roses live from the rich New Year's Eve 1987 the top of that game. Look at this. Look at this. What's this? What's this guy playing the fucking car? I was 27 going to prison and this was blowing my mind. This was keeping me fucking alive

These five fucking junkets Were killing the fucking street kids. I read the book. I read a book about them They were just street kids living out of out of a out of a fucking Storage unit they rehearsed on gardener. Yeah gardener right behind the sushi place there. I'm fucking gardener guys Right fucking there. Well, every time I used to come out of gardener I would sniff the air and go guns and roses used to sniff this fucking air 10 15 years ago. There you go. Hit it Lee And this fucking groundbreaking everything else was fucking Like shampoo rock, you know that hairspray rock shampoo rock. What the fuck am I saying?

John These fucking killers Oh Jesus They were hungry. They didn't give a fuck They were stuck to their dream They were snorting eating badass They didn't give a fuck

There's a on guitar center the documentaries It's right above HBO and there's in two different spots on your cable network for a while They were running a real interesting documentary about slash his mom had had a affair with david bowie So he used to walk over laurel canyon. This is his neighborhood. This is his neighborhood right here Laurel canyon was his fucking neighborhood really and he'd walk over canyon all the way down to the rainbow The fucking story is a tremendous He uh, I saw I we did an interview with him on that show And we both had a few drinks told me his chick kicked him out that night and was like, uh

Yeah, that's bad. I gotta go to europe right now to do this thing with the snake pit, which was his band And so they said so the people say listen, we're here to promote snake pit album Whatever you do do not bring up guns and roses do not bring up guns and roses and in my head I'm by the way. I've been drinking with the guy so i'm not fucking I'm not intimidated by the interview at all And we've kind of already talked about it a little bit. He's brought things up about it So we get an interview. My first thing is I gotta mention. I gotta ask you what happened to guns and roses No one and everyone's like what the fuck he just real cool. He goes man. I'll tell you what

Everyone it's really easy to be friends with someone when you're broke But people change when they become millionaires. He said and we just realized we weren't gonna be friends We weren't the same kind of millionaires. He's like I actually wanted to buy property and own rights to songs and And buy mansions and live out malibu and I wanted to buy poisonous snakes He was like, you know, we're just very different people And he's like that's all he's like, you know, we toured so much that when we finally got a break and we got our money And we're like, all right, he goes we had a moment to decide what kind of by way I'm totally paraphrasing and saying it the way I remember it but

He's like we had we realized like all right now I get to decide what kind of millionaire I am and he's like for me I just moved right up the hill from where we used to hang out and a little nicer place filled it with poisonous snakes and fucking and And and good Uh guitars and just kept partying and he's actually wanted to do fucking yoga and go out to malibu and Do his own private part like it was like just different people. I was like that's fucking fascinating Because you do see that, you know, like coming up in this business

There's guys that you're friends with when you're young because you're both trying to do open mics like Demetri Martin and I were like really good friends because we were both doing open mics And this now I'm not saying like either of us are to blame for either of this other than just being very different people But when you're hungry, we're the same person. We want to get on stage But then when finally we're getting a little stage time and and we're starting to succeed We just go in different directions because we're not We our wants are are different, you know, like he got married and And then what wanted to do like alternative clubs

And I was like, I want to hang out in the village and be around Norton and bobby cali and p corielli and etel and heberg everyone work in there. So it's like it's interesting, you know, I kind of I wonder if that I wonder if that continues to happen in life. I mean, I don't have any fucking friends I've had as an adult That you know, you have kids with and then you're all in the mommy and me class and those are your best friends And then you guys go to a preschool and you get brand new best friends And then you go to a grade school and you get brand new best friends

Then you go to a middle school and you get brand new it's like fucking life changes The only friends I have that are constant are comics And so it's you know, it I don't know where I'm taking this I had a weird experience I hung out with a friend that I haven't seen for a year And we used to be like really good friends and we're still friends but like

I've just been around certain people for the past couple years and then We we we've gotten the car and they were like they were legit Having a conversation about the Kardashians About the show like it mattered and I couldn't I couldn't either there were adult people Who had like jobs and bills and I was like I just couldn't believe it. You're in a bad situation. You're in a bad situation I said the same to um

to uh Jamie who works with joe and red band who works with joe Because you get to hang out with some of the you get to hang out as a fly on the wall and a participant Some of the most interesting fucking conversations that people are having Today, and I'm not saying that me and joe you're doing it today, but like some of the people I've listened to the interviews Like the one you did with uh with with uh, no, what's his name? Uh, what's the guy? his blue brother is uh Fuckin he was in he was in the movie with you the longest shard nixitura nixitura. I love that fucking

I love that. I love that interview. I listen to that Fucking beginning to end and I listened to it a couple times because it was so cool How him and his brother still love each other and say they love each other when they talk to each other on the phone And I was like, but that's so then when you try to hang out with like like regular people They're never going to be able to keep up to the conversations you get to hear on a daily basis Well, there's that but I I've hung out with people who I used to work with out here Since then it's fine. The guy can hang out with people, but it was just like I had never I hadn't experienced that And I called joey on the way home. I called you on the way home. I was like, it's weird and you're like

I've been trying to tell you it's it's uh When I got the longest yard I did uh, I did a barn in that time They were trying to open up a new comedy club in jersey city called rascals and they were failing miserably It was just a horrible location. Everything about it was horrible. I was in shock for rascals. Do you remember the old rascals? I mean jesus christ never no. Oh my god. I do this since you knew jay and shit like that And I remember friends of mine came I was at the bar and I was very cordial I took pictures with all my childhood friends. I put in the paper I contacted and 30 or 40 of them showed up

And like eight of them really scared the fuck out of me Like they scared the fuck out of me because I Could just imagine like I never really gave a fuck when I was a kid The only guy that made me come in my shorts was julia serving If you weren't gonna show up with julia serving Charles bruntz and the clonies would save it. You know what I'm saying? Then I like music I really got into music, but still I was never one of those guys. I would never take a picture

I never asked like I saw richard gear from here 10 feet from me and I had no Right after office in the gentleman. He was 10 feet from me at studio 54 I didn't say well one of those clubs were not studio, but the the rooftop or something was 10 feet from me I didn't say a fucking word. I just went back and told my friends that was richard fucking gear but There people I have a friend a dear friend a brother and I grew up She used to call me and ask me If I knew you know

People and it was creepy after a while. I had to stop taking the calls. Yeah You know, do I do I know Courtney Kardashian? I think she asked me one time. That was one of the last times I took a call What do you say? Yeah, we hang it all the time You try to be nice the phone rings you pick it up you try to be nice and all of a sudden you take them into this direction Well, me and me and my friend went to new york because we heard she was gonna be there At the mud club. So we I'm just making this up. Yeah. Yeah, but you know, this is the call I got from her like three or four times And I'm like, you're a fucking adult

And then she's like can I call ice cube for her because she lived in jersey So ice cube lives in north bergen with his wife koko god So she wanted me to get ice cubes numbered her ice tea Oh, what's ice tea ice tea ice tea's number. I mean, this is the shit I was getting you know, mainly the first two calls I was okay with it and I giggled them laugh. I'm like, okay. And one day I was like, you're not fucking serious. Are you? Yeah, I want to ask them I want to ask them questions about law and order svu. Is that real and I was like, listen, you really got to get it together I called my friend who gave me the number who gave him my number and I fucking went off on him

Like him and I do not talk anymore because of that. You cannot give your number out to somebody To ask you those type of questions. Yeah, he goes, well, she called me and talked about a benefit. I go, that's fine Give me her number and I'll call those people. You never give out my number Yeah, you know, she you know and listen There's nothing worse than somebody calling you out of line There's nothing worse when somebody calls you out of line for somebody else Hi, this is josephine from whatever Do you know how while I get a hold of berkreich? I want to book in front of that

Really? I'm on the 405 and bump of the bumper traffic And you have to go to call me for some other comics number Okay, not even to harass me. Yeah, I could see you harassing me showing up with a short envelope on new years and Trying to get me to do some crazy gig But for you to call me and bump of the bumper traffic on the 405 listen the other day We just finished doing a fucking murderous workout at the gym Kettlebells not only did I swing the fucking medium one. I took the gorilla and swung that two times. Yeah, my body wasn't shy

Lee and I had done jujitsu sundae and monday And then we went to this kettlebell class before the class started. I looked at lee and I go lee. Why are we here? You and I You and I killed ourselves. I listened guy. We rolled around seven lee. How many times did I say one more time? Oh, like like 20 times one time lee three minutes. Let's just do two minutes lee Wrestle with him two minutes. I'll take a breather because there's a young kid spencer Get in there with lee and then take two minutes. He's a young one. Yeah, get the fuck work this out, you know Then we went back monday did it all again tuesday. I'm looking before the class started. I looked at lego lee

Why are we here lee thought I was fucking am I going serious? I can't walk We go into this class. We start doing All types of swings then at the end he closes up with uh three cleans and you gotta walk across the floor And then put the thing down and do three more cleans. It's a great workout. I'm not complaining about the workout Yeah, I'm just trying to stay in my state of mind by that point Listen The class starts at 11 o'clock sharp by 11 25

Your mind is already throwing the food at you that you're gonna eat Yeah, because that's what's keeping you in that class Every time he goes this time we're gonna do 10 swings. You look at me. I'm going no We're just gonna do two swings and I'm tapping out. I'm taking my wife I'm going to eat a steak This is what in the back because every time you do a set of swings The first thing you think about is the nine-inch because all I'm thinking about in class is a nine-inch nine ounce The prime rib lunch from uh

Mortons Yeah, bird market 21 95. It's like six meals. They give you a chop salad an eight ounce fillet With mashed potatoes. They give you a fucking dessert a chocolate mousse Or a cheesecake. You can't go wrong for 21 95 Even if you're a deaf mute you're going in you drink water and you leave a tip. You can't go wrong You're showing that with the small 27 a couple times. Yeah, nobody's feelings get hurt. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I mean the chop salad alone

Will fill you up. Yeah, okay. Never mind the eight ounce fillet. So every time we do a set of swings That's what's keeping me in class. I have no reason to lie to anybody. I'm a fat fuck I go to class to work out But to give you a little room to eat not to eat what you want. You got a Morton's after class. No, no, no I'm just saying No, no, what do you think I'm fucking Johnny bananas? I'm just saying in my mind I settled for a protein shake. I wasn't gonna judge you. I was gonna do it next week. No They got the 21 94

No No, you change where's the Morton's I could totally go to more you shoot on front. I've been fucking dying for four days I'm totally good. Yeah You're killing yourself to live right now when we get out of there. You can still make it You can pick up by who who you're picking up the little one of the big Lila. Oh, yeah, she's in Yeah, I was a fucking tear up a stick. Yeah, she'll sit with you and drink a glass of wine and not tell mommy and not Isle is all in Isle is all fucking in We don't know for a steak daddy, but she said she said to me yesterday, you know, we can help each other out every now and then

That's the one that's supposed to be she goes you give me Menchies. I'll get you what you need Menchies. Yeah, she loves Menchies. They had a explosion there last night like one of the pipes ruptured And so we went over to go to Menchies me and the girls and they were closed and Isla's like I'm not putting up with it It just starts knocking on the door and they're cleaning up Knock on the door the guy comes the door and and I'm like are you guys closed and he's like Well, we just don't have any toppings and Isla's like everybody in like starts Pushing through the door everybody and we can still get ice cream. I go. Yeah, so we got it half off. It was great

Got pecan pie. I didn't get anything But uh, the girls murdered it. How the hell is we can help each other help each other out Is she watching movies on her phone? You know, she says things that I don't know if she If she gets them from places because she says things that blow me away. We just go Where's that? Where's that coming from? Like I told you we were in Maui and I'm gonna fly to dc that afternoon like at like two So I'm leaving at noon. So I wake up. I'm in bed with Isla When I roll over and I go

Hey, baby, it's like 6 a.m. Sun's coming up. I go baby. Let's go downstairs Get a coffee and I'll get you a donut and we'll go down and we'll watch the sunrise Then we'll go snorkeling before anyone wakes up and she says she goes leave me alone So I go Isla and now I'm like no I'm like Now I'm rolled over and I got my head in her hip like right right between her hip and her ribs I go, baby Wake up me and you go downstairs get a coffee get a donut chocolate milk

We'll watch the sun come up and then we'll go snorkeling and she joey. I swear to you She rolls over looks at me. She goes you're tugging on a tiger's tail and went back to bed That's that fucking kid She just and I go in my head like she I told you I've sold this joke a million times But when she was a baby, she sat on my chest When I was waking up sat on my chest woke me up and goes guess what's in my hand And I was like, I don't know. I'm not fucking panicking. I'm like, I don't know She goes a punch in the mouth and fucking hit me and I remember saying to her

I was like, this is really important Isla I go, did you come up with that on your own because I'm going to tell that on stage tonight And she was like, yeah, yeah, I just thought of it. I go it looks like a punch Like if you put something in your hand, it could be a quarter or a punch I was like, fuck that brain You know, it's not it's like I say it's not like going to be useful to society in any way that will reap the benefits But someone's going to reap the benefits of it with a fucking pistol on a table and a pound of coke This is how you get rid of a body. That's I love you're tugging on a tiger's tail

Tugging on a tiger's tail and she went right back to bed Yeah, and she says to us like that when you fuck with her She starts going you're pushing a lot of buttons. One of them is going to be red And you're like, what I know a dude her brain Works very differently. Now don't get me wrong. She's dyslexic as fuck She's getting her ass handed to her in school Like I mean every year we're like is she going to the next grade because she has a really hard time in school Can't can't read barely at all like but the truth is man

Her brain just sees the world very differently and she makes she's so funny I mean they were trying to do yo mama jokes and her rendition of yo mama jokes were so esoteric. They didn't make sense anymore Yo mama's so poor. She has nuts in her purse every now and then she wants to snack and you're like what But her brain just it spins out, you know, like it just has I don't know man. Now. G is a genius. Georgia. Fuck you You have no beef with she's perfect. A's the homework. You know, that's all of what to do Independent she reads very nice very sweet very sweet very loving. She's in honors classes No drama no drama no drama gonna be a knockout. No boys yet. No nothing Still believes in like santa claus

Like I mean the youngest sixth grader in the world still believes in santa still believes in the tooth fairy that willy We hide a little elf on the shelf everywhere She still believes that he's magic and he watches her like I mean she's just like the she's so perfect And is already skeptical. She on one of I have this joey. I have this and I'll post it on twitter today I have this it is one of my favorite things ever isla on her santa claus list Maybe like two years ago three years ago One was um, you know, I want a poly pocket. I want uh, I want uh, la la loupsies I want a barbie camper and then one of them was i'm not even fucking with you. Mind you joey. She was

Six years old. She wrote I want proof that your gang is real to santa I want proof that your gang is real and then she took a fucking gopro last christmas and hit it on the mantle And started it and I went and I saw I saw it. She was trying to catch santa claus Started it. So I go in I fucking we I see it It's a fucking blinking red light in the middle of our living room. So I go in I put everyone to bed I have the video on my computer on my computer. I won't post it because I don't until they don't believe in santa I go into my bedroom

I go to sleep. I don't go to sleep. I just sit there for like fucking five minutes lights out everyone waits I just walk right back in I have a white mitten on I have the bells in my hand I get I have a flashlight in my hand. I get underneath the by the uh by the fireplace I jump down and jingle the bells Right. I flash the flashlight around priscilla doesn't move. She just sees it to me just stares Go puts her head back down. I will I reach my hand up with the mitten I grab the gopro. I turn it around and then I turn on the lights I start walking around with bells and moving presents around then I take

That and then I let it play all fucking night long I then take that video and I simply splice out Me walking in the room on on iMovie I have I'm fucking 40 minutes of video. I splice out me walking in the room And then it just looks like The room just sat still and all of a sudden out of nowhere Santa shows up at the end and then the next day I go guys the gopro is dead and isla's like dad dad We got santa. We got santa. So I remind you I've done all the fucking work already. I've already it took two seconds

You know easy it is to splice out me walking into the room and getting under the thing And I just take it and I fucking let it play out for the whole 30 minutes like 30 45 minutes I let it watch the whole thing and they're like I don't see it fast forward fast forward I'm like, all right. I'm fast forward and all of a sudden they see santa and isla's like Holy shit. They see the glove come up. They see it turn around and george just starts looking at me like mind you This is I thought she'd stop believing She started looking at me like like she found jesus like Holy shit like santa's fucking real and I was like, I don't know what to tell you guys

My dad looks to me. He's like, I think you're fucking your kids up But yeah, man, they still fucking believe I love I love I love the The fun of being a parent like when they're still young and they're not they're not broken yet. They're not To fucking doing drugs. I mean, I'm I was in sixth grade. I was like, too I was one year off from drinking In sixth grade I drank in seventh grade was the first time I drank first time I got drunk though was in ninth grade By drank I sipped alcohol, you know to just to be cool in seventh grade You look at them you I look at my three-year-old and I

My spirit is still alive. Like, you know, she hasn't bumped into life yet. She hasn't got hit at school yet This still she still her mind still hasn't wrapped around around something like why that happened She thinks life is just ice cream and spaghetti and hot dogs and You know daddy throws her up and he doesn't hurt yet. Yeah And it's really interesting to watch and to think that that was you at one time, you know Every day a piece of her. I go that was me. That's fucking me, you know, I got her first report to it today How was it? It was all good except, you know, she doesn't ask questions. She don't like questions She don't know nothing

She gets home because I gave her a hug there and then they gave me the report card And I just walked home very nonchalant when we got home. I looked at it and then my wife goes And we did you actually read that and I go fuck. Yeah, this is what a parent does You're supposed to see what they're slipping. That is fucking genius. She doesn't like she doesn't ask questions. She doesn't like questions Ask questions That's my child. I'm very proud of that fact. You know, what's with the questions anyway? Yeah, you know what you write a book Listen man, I'm mercy. I'm here. What else do you need to know? Yeah, that's it. Don't worry about nothing

You know, it's so weird. I came from my house and my mom would look at me straight in the eye and go listen What fucking happens in the house is those three monkeys meet all you guy, you know this This and this and I had to live by that Like I had to live by that like by the time I was telling my friend, uh, julian that when When I was a kid by the time I was eight people would talk to me about drugs. I knew everything about drunk Yeah, I had seen coke in my house and I couldn't say no I couldn't say you want to see how I show you about. No, I couldn't say nothing I had to act like a fucking moron and I played double aging for years. It took me years

To get on a podcast and talk about that shit. I would never That early life what I saw as a young kid. That's a double life type. You can't talk about You know, let's say on my stepdad shoot nico picadillo on 148th street I wasn't allowed to go back on monday and say hey guys Fuck sat in that live and fuck your dad being a fireman. Let me tell you what I saw sat there Not the fucking santeria party. I couldn't say that. Yeah, I kept that for years I didn't tell somebody I saw my stepdad shooting. I Oh my stepdad beat up a guy in the Bronx over a fucking dog

I never told that to anybody because can we pause for one second? There's a lot of interference. There's a what? There's a lot of noise from something. Hold on No, isn't my phone Oh Sounds good. All right, there we go. Thanks. Sounds better. Yeah. Are we back? Yep. Okay What time is it? I don't know. I'm not late yet. Am I 120? Oh, I'm fine I'm fine Tons of time, but I talked to you guys about something I spoke to Lee about

This is fucking crazy When I was young When I got left back and all that in the sixth and seventh grade In the afternoons, I became friends with this family and I would go to their house. There were one of many families and They were really nice people. They were Spanish and I go over and they had two girls and a boy and We became friends and Monday my mom died, you know, we were all good friends and

They came up to me at the wake and they were like listen man. Just so you know We'd like for you to be raised in the Cuban tradition if you'd like moving with us, you know And I continued to go over they even thought I didn't move them when I continued to go over there and visit with them and talk with them You know and by 82 one day I just Knew they had money in the house and I walked in the back door and just took some money from the house, you know and I did it a couple times and I think they knew it was me, you know They had a back door and I had three kids and they always knew that you could walk in the back door, you know And I felt guilty

I saw them out one night and I could see the way they were looking at me. They were a little angry with me and then life moved on and I came out of here and I never really thought about it. I felt bad, you know One day I went to the comedy show and there they were the one girl came then The girl came again and the girl came again with her sister when they came and they talked to me and the other day I'm like I'm thinking of saying something to them, you know, because they invited me to like, you know, my dad still talks about you He's really proud of you come by and say hello, you know And I was telling me I don't know what to do. Oh, well fucking I'm thinking about that and bam

Thanksgiving comes and I call my buddy in Jersey who was my roommate in Boulder While I was waiting to get sentenced. So here I am living with George I get in trouble for kidnapping. Okay I get out I get I go to county jail for a month to get bailed out. I get bailed out Me and George stay in that apartment like a week later we get robbed We get fucking robbed like just robbed Our apartment gets robbed in Boulder in Boulder. We lose the tv the vcr the stereo. They took shit from our room. Okay Then about a week later, I slipped my arm open

Okay with a dish And I didn't get stitches. I passed out. I slept the fucking two days I got up and I bandaged it up and I put vitamin e on it and the scar went away and I lived to tell us another story I just had this run of bad luck so it's march of 88 And I need a place to live George wants to go home. He can't take him the more he's tapped out machine guns

The place getting raided. You know, this is just a house of doom. Yeah, George wasn't used to that lifestyle My buddy from jersey. I was and I felt really bad I wished him luck. He left so I had to find the roommate and I called this one guy and guess what he's from my hometown in jersey Only 10 years older. You know, we know the same people. I moved in with him. He's great. I'm paying rent I got a great bedroom. I got the side of the house But I see this guy's up all night. He does sniffles and people come over at all hours of the night I know what this guy's doing. Yeah, we'll guess what I bump into his stash. I'm lifting weight in the garage I'm looking at these paint cans. I'm like, why does this guy have so many paint cans?

And I go over the paint cans. They all fill with ounces and two three ounces of blow God, we get like A pound every two weeks from this mexican dude that his parents had a gym In a part of mexico and this is where they had steroids and this is what's the loan Would take people to prepare them for rockies and all these Rambo movies and this is where they at first This isn't the 80s. We're still on we go. Guadalajara one that I don't even know Uh, uh, the one the real pretty one He would the guy his parents had a gym for their real business was cocaine

Yeah, and this guy would drop it off once a month and he had the cash and the paint cans I never touched his cash I always took a little bit of coke like a gram Some nights I take five grams some nights I take a half ounce gram I always felt fucking guilty, but he was free-basin So he wouldn't know how much he really did. Oh, yeah, he would tell me a week later. Jesus Christ last week I woke up. I did 40 grams. That can't be that's because I had taken seven of them. You know, last I had 40 grams You know, I'm kidding you. Yeah 30 years ago in 87. This guy told me that he used to

Take a hit of crap of free base and blood would come out of his ass So anyway to tell you a long story short. I talked to him thursday And he tells me that he had a heart attack You believe shock. He's still alive. Right, but It wasn't immediately like When he snorts it a little bit blood comes out of his head So he's telling me how he went to uh He went to uh

In a heart attack he went to the doctor and he found out he had cancer He had dormant cancer from having sex in vietnam it's a type of of sex disease That goes into your body and it sits dormant And from him smoking it activated. He didn't get the cancer from smoking It went to his throat, but they got it out in time And I go, how'd you know you have he goes? I was spitting blood pure blood

I was just spitting it from time to time And listen guys, I could tell you a thousand stories. This guy was a sweetheart. In fact at my wedding He came over to me goes this something I really gotta ask This guy's fucked up. Yeah, and he goes there's something I really gotta ask you. I go once said he goes Was it you that was taking my cocaine? Yeah, I think I know it was I lied to his face It's your wedding day. You deserve it. I listen. Let me tell you something My uh, I was really embarrassed about having a lot of a good friend of mine Yeah, and it always ate away of me. You know what every time I go to jersey sometimes we hook up

We just got a Cuban sandwich He's a good guy. He's a smart guy and I came in here friday and I totally I go lee. It's eating me alive I don't know what to do So I called my man back yesterday and I spoke to him a little bit and I go listen I'm going to jersey next week If there's anything I could do to help you and he goes, you know, I looked into something animals I said, I was thinking the same thing. So I called a few friends of mine. I got his address I called a few friends of mine. I said send them some boxes

And hopefully we'll get together. You know what me going and look under the eye now and tell them That I robbed him is not going to make things better, but it's imagine how it's it's it's amazing how life works out, you know That's Spanish crown me. I'm gonna go see them when I go back. Yeah, and uh, and and the Spanish crown I'm still tempted to say Without saying what I need to say here I'm sorry and you guys know why I'm sorry. Yeah, why open up a can of fucking words I still remember one morning just being on a coma One friday morning like just waking up fucked up in the night before

And one of my friends knocking on the glass where I was living And me looking over we were living in a basement apartment me and had beds on the floor Like animals And I'm looking at the glass and I'm going come on. I'm out here and just me going to the bathroom throwing water in my face Brushing my teeth combing my hand getting the car. I'm going away. We going to that. I go. Let's go downtown You know, it's nine in the morning. Let's go rob And I would go down until I go park the car right here Let me go from door to door see what's going on and one day just going

You know, I give me a ride by these people's house. I'm going around the back the door was open. I still remember the exact day I'm going in the house Going in like this living room and they had one of those beers from a german fest Yeah, yeah, yeah, you see those mugs a stein a stein that you open up the top as a lid Fucking yeah, and something just attracted me to the stein And I went in there and I stuck my hand and then I took out 450 dollars In my world at that time it was like 10,000 fucking dollars I ran downstairs. It was

Maybe 10 to 10 and I made this kid take me to 135th and Amsterdam to some fucking columbians who had a disco in a basement And who had chickens and they had a dj booth And they would play music and these fucking immigrants would sit there dancing like to to rap music. Hello black people everywhere Looking at the people and that this don't it was hysterical. Yeah, and I'd go in there too in the afternoon to buy fucking April's and these people would be this going Do you understand me? Well, I'm telling you guys But I was going there at two in the afternoon and I'm without exaggerating

They'd be 20 to 30 people on the dance floor Already dancing drinking at the bar snorting blow Who were there were they like people who worked nights or people had to they had to work nights No, people who didn't work at all Who snorted blow who snorts blow and dancing goes to work at night late say You barely got up at five in the afternoon. You got to be at work at seven You're not gonna get up at 12. We'll go do blow drink and then oh, you know what I gotta go to work now The cocaine is gone. Fuck. No sober

These people didn't work. These were people who we have like they were like street dealers you know those scenes and movies where It's two in the afternoon. There's three chicks sitting there doing their fingers and they're all hot it up waiting for the guys To tom to suck that dick. Yeah, what are we going in the room? Why are you here? I never understood those scenes like why the woman would sit there all day Why not? Oh jesus christ go somewhere go for a walk It was all they girlfriends and you would walk in the booth in those days it was

$300 for an able And it was that good. This is This is $300 a lot, right in those days. This was This was the spring of 82 Spring february of 82 january of 82 It was $300 you got a half a gram free And it was beautiful cocaine and you'd walk into the disco

The guy would make you go into the dj booth The deep the scale was under the thing he put it on because there were two turntables and three turntables In the middle there was a gap for the fucking scale and on top of the door There was a slash for two different types of coke He'd lay a line out for you while you were waiting he cut it up for you He was spinning music while he was weighing up the coke He put a little before he gave it to you walked back into your car in amsterdam. Can you fucking believe that? And I had like a whatever I had balance 150

I gave the kid driving a yardstick and we probably went to the city and ate somewhere And now all we did for the fucking 450 I robbed him for I always felt guilty about that That's why I still never forgot what I did. So I don't know if I give him a gift certificate. I don't know if I give him a check I don't know if I just apologize. I just apologize something like that. I don't think Maybe give them. I don't know I don't know All I said was just say sorry and then see where it goes

I always think to myself like do you have regrets? Do you have regrets lee? Yeah, of course like things that you go kind of wish I could make that right Yeah tons of them like what? I'm a bad relationship with my brother. Really? Yeah How come? We've never got along. It's just

At this point, it's not over at one anything. It's just After five minutes, we're just always at each other's throats. It's just it's a natural thing now. That's weird. Really? Yeah Yeah It's okay. Maybe in the future, but As of right now More relationship regrets where you stop talking. I have a friend that haven't spoken to me. I have a couple of them I don't understand I have a friend now

My best friend the one I took the picture with that I tweeted to you when I was young fucking uh I called them up. I invited them up. I said listen. I'm coming up to jersey If you want to come up get a hotel room We'll hang out You know Whatever you want to do. We'll smoke dope. You're coming me to long island The whole fucking deal

That's how young I was good god You fuck how over you 18 Holy shit, you know mustache and everything mustache and everything and he was fine and When I saw that picture when his niece sent me that picture I realized how much I loved him and I missed him. Yeah, and the last 10 years I've seen him once at the Gotham comedy club in new york outside

We split a 500 milligram brownie that he called me three days later. He goes. I'll never eat that again. That was Horrible. I couldn't even think for three days But he's my brother. He's gave me a place to live when I was young and yeah so fuck honestly you ever You ever have a and you're just gonna happen to you you come from a big family You know what sometimes you just want to hang out with your sisters Yeah, but they got to bring their kids and the boyfriend and the boyfriend's mother and the boyfriend's father

It's the opposite for me. Sometimes my sisters just want to hang out with me and not My whole family because if they hang out with my family, they hang out with my daughters more I don't even talk to them And then lian they love lian so they talk to lian and so like for thanksgiving My whole family everyone went down to Tampa to see my parents new house and we go and the girls left Friday at Friday morning and I didn't leave till Friday night So I hung out at my parents house for the day like a kid like like with my sisters

It was so cool because I never get to hang out with my sisters like just alone Where you get to talk and go and you see their personalities and them not having to take care of your kids or Kater to your wife or my mom and my sister was really fun It's different. That's all I said to him. He goes well Do you know what the reservation for the hotel room is that I never made it for you because you never told me So he goes if I come up, how many beds can you get me? I go why he goes because my daughter and her fucking boyfriend want to come up now Listen man, I grew up with this guy. Yeah, you know, there's completely different things. I don't know you Burke

One day you're gonna call me and say I love did this and in my mind. I'm like, oh, it's time to take Ila for a ride Put a gun through her head and explain to her This is what's gonna happen to her if she keeps fucking around We'll take it to a fucking neighbor the women are fucking Fucking around doing drugs and well, that's where you're gonna end up. Yeah, that's what you want. We'll let you His 50 go Why fuck around? Why put your mom through this anymore? You're killing your mom You're killing your sister and the look you can go. No. No take me home in there. You got him

You got him. Sometimes you got to take kids to the murky fucking waters Sometimes you got to take them to the murky waters. No, this is what you want. You want to kill me here You want 50, right? I'll tell you what I'll give you 500. Don't come back I'll tell your mom that you just left with the dog and they'll just look at you They'll just look at you sometimes you're gonna take a kidding. This is what you want. Look at that girl Is that what you want to do with you? All right? It's gonna happen. I can tell you two things I'm sorry bird. Oh, I can say look, I love you bird. It's time to take her for a ride Yeah, and you know, we'll smack her around. We'll take her to a fucking

Yum yum house and tie her up and let her see what she loves. Yum yum She loves yum yum soda. Oh, everybody does Lee is that customer of the month See they put a picture of me running out with a box of yum yum donuts out of this fucking thing I haven't got a yum yum donut this month and then you No, it wasn't me that second you he had the bad idea to have donuts on Thanksgiving So before jujitsu, so I went and that's the only time of I got recognized with two boxes of donuts Two boxes of yum yum donut. Mexican people recognize them for this picture on Talamundo and shit

And I keep talking about being healthy and I have two dozen donuts and this goes like hey Oh, I had two of those coconut donuts at jujitsu And that night I'm sitting there. It's one in the morning. I'm high and fuck listen once I break midnight I just go deeper than deep. I just I eat everything that's around me. I go on the balcony and smoke And I just sit there and watch fucking whatever's on tv Oh my god, I went in the kitchen on top of the baby chair was the box of donuts I opened it up and there was two chocolate coconuts. I picked them both up with one finger And I fucking baked them both

You know, I don't know. I didn't know what to do for a few days whether I apologize to these people. Yeah So what I'm gonna do is I I told My friend jersey I would hook him up and I called three manufacturers One of them being gummies and they're gonna help him out and Send them a bunch of shit today today. They're like, we'll double fucking send them. You know, I said just bill me Just get it over to the guy. You know, he's in pain. He's got the The fucking cancer the other people I don't know how to apologize because I didn't know they'd be in my life at this point In the fucking game

Yeah, you know, so it's kind of weird how life works out sometimes sometimes you do some 30 years earlier I have a bunch of friends that I'll talk to I have a bunch of people I I I just stop talking to and then and then you grow So much in the time that you're not talking to them that to talk to them now would seem I mean, honestly, I've not thought about it like to I You know, do I reach out to people and and you know that I that I feel like I don't have any real It'll will towards by just don't speak to anymore Right. Yeah, but then I go I've changed so much and I don't know if I can be the person that I was when I was friends with the men

Who I was then was not who I am today What what the fuck do you know? What do you know how much you change? Let's give them the opportunity to decide Yeah, but some some of them I don't some of them you feel sometimes at that I made a few mistakes. Yeah The worst thing about social media is we got a bold reach dose of reality. Everybody in this room got a bold dose of reality Salute Everybody in this room and people listen to the podcast got a cold rook dose of reality on facebook

I think it was facebook because we all Contacted somebody we should And then we even got them on the phone to make matters worse And once we started talking from silly this doesn't happen to you yet But it's happened to me. I've been out of high school for 30 fucking years And it's you know, how long have you been out of high school for 20 years 20 years So now there's people that you bump into That you open the line of communication upward and it's a fucking big mistake

Now I think of it twice before I say them. Hey Send me over your fucking number because I have made so many mistakes Thinking that that was the same person I was friends with 20 years ago. Yeah, their priorities changed my priorities changed. They're fucking Chi his weekend because you know, my chi has gotten weakened so with different people And now i'm trying to rekindle his friendship from 1981 He's a buddhist. I don't get high no more You know, I had one guy that I loved growing up and I saw him on facebook and I immediately reached out

and the last 10 years he had lived in the long beach And it was crazy and then he brought up a situation And rather where I knew I had to get away from this because he brought up a situation from 1983 that he Somebody had contacted him that I hadn't mentioned the sister's name on the podcast Which is to assist us out on galliano bottles In a fucking liquor at a fucking strip club. Yeah, you know, and I tell the story all the time teen everybody knows When you meet people when I see people now from my hometown The third paragraph is remember the metal lands in the chicken used to sit on the galliano bottle

He used to sit on the galliano bottle people gonna mention that forever and their death fucking bed Yeah, people gonna say I want to thank my mother I want to thank Tina for sticking a galliano bottle up her ass all on thanksgiving when my spirits were down She'd sit on a galliano bottle She'd take a bottle of Budweiser Pop it put the bottle jerk herself off take all the B out of the bottle into a monkey And then spray it at the audience In 1982, okay. I was a young man. I witnessed it and people

People wouldn't know he was her brother They wouldn't know. Yeah, so he'd be standing And all of a sudden oh Lee would walk over and go Are you going to fucking erotic banana night tonight? Because on wednesday she had a thing that for two dollars. They gave you two frozen bananas And you gave them to the strippers. They put them in their pussy and you can eat them You eat the fucking you eat the banana. I don't like bananas to begin with no

Let alone out of a poosa. You like these fucking bananas. These were good organic bananas People pay big money at Whole Foods I made that mistake by saying people's names on podcasts By saying by using real names because I because I don't I'm the same as you it's like I'm the same as you in the sense that I there's a there is no I was talking to um, I was talking to someone about this the other day. There's no real Like you look at daniel tosh and he is on stage a very different person than he is off stage You don't know who is off stage. All you know is his persona on stage off stage

Completely different guy. There are a lot of guys like that, you know that who they were on stage was not who they were off stage But what I always liked in comedy were the guys where you couldn't see The character and the act You couldn't differentiate between the character and the act. It was the person That person is who you saw on stage sam kinesin like headberg Like all those guys I just dug Like it tells a guy that is two different guys. You don't know who he is off stage really anymore. You know like And you're like me is that the

Joey D is on stage is identical to joey d is off stage. Maybe it's a little louder Little more hyped a little more energy. Maybe there's a lot more Uh depth and range to who you are off stage that you don't show on stage But for the most part all that depth and I've seen it before you do it before all that depth that you have You don't give a fuck about sharing it on stage if you feel like saying something or on a podcast or on stage You'll fucking say it. This is who I am. I'm this is I'm sorry. This is so you're getting this And it gets confusing for me because you get you end up living I end up and it's just taxing in a weird way because

I end up telling these stories or writing in my book. I wrote about this girl jenny powers And I just I didn't even think I just wrote I wrote everyone's real name in my book There's a biggest fucking mistake big mistake. You can only write the first name or the last You know like in jenny, that's yeah, yeah, I just used everyone's real names and fucking she reached out to me And she was like She was like, are you fucking serious like this is what you thought of me in high school and I was like, uh-oh I had to call my I only have like one friend left. It's like real That's very real where you can't fuck with him because he's been through it all his name's cayman

He's real like you tell him one thing is not fucking like I when I fell off that that waterfall I was eating pills a lot and I was like freaked out. I was like man I'm eating a lot of pain pills to get through this it hurts, but I'm still enjoying the pain pills I called cayman. I was like, I'm worried. He's like, ah, don't worry, man You gotta be taking fucking 10 at a time before you start getting concerned Like he's just one of those real motherfuckers and uh, and I talked cayman about it And he was like that fucker shouldn't remember that was that's real What are you gonna do?

Didn't everyone's got a better memory of themselves when they tell it to you. Oh on high school I was a fucking star baseball player. I'm kind of you were first string in a fucking private school baseball team You know But like everyone's got a fucking tainted memory of themselves But i'm the same way as you is like that Guy I am on stage is identical to who I am all stages. It's almost like and I don't know if you'll like this analogy But it's almost like this bill murray effect it's like

I know that people have told me they hung out with you And I got high with joey after a show right hung out with joey after a show He sat and we all went in and ate or something. No, it's just like a fucking it's like For you, it's not a big deal for them. It's they're hanging out with the performer. Does that make sense? Like it's like it's a lot of weight to them Like when I hang out after a show and I drink people are like, I can't believe you're hanging out drinking You're like, well, that's what I'll do. That's what I was going to do. Anyway, I was going to sit here and drink I'm gonna fucking go to my room and drink by myself

But it's it's gets Convoluted and some people they just went off into regular life and and their facebook profile pages are all The best part of them. It's not the bad parts They don't share the secrets and the things they don't like All they have is the picture the one time they flew on a private jet and the one time they were on a yacht The one time they're in mexico and the one time they're in hawaii and their kids after 40 fucking pictures They picked the best one and crop out the kids. It's got the lazy eye. They those people I don't i'm not those people and I don't get those people

But those people when they run into me and you and I think that we give them like a reflection of what What we remember the truth to be or what we see What we remember those times to be This is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I fucking changed. I'm not that guy. No, you're still that fucking guy If i'm this guy, you're still that guy And if you if that's who you were then You can change you can be different, but maybe You know

That kind of friend of really good friend is a very wealthy dude One of the richest guys in all of tampa We used to party a lot. I mean we used to party our whole fucking lives up until I had georgia and isla and we were had been temp for a wedding and we we got fucking wasted and we had fucking great time Then he got sober and his and like I'm not saying not don't get sober But he called me up one morning. He heard me on radio and I just it was like New Year's Eve I was at drinking champagne and it was like fucking eight in the morning and he fucking Pulled me like he said let's meet up

So we met up at like on Davis island and i'm with my film crew I'm in an limo with the people driving you around for the club taking you to radio I'm done radio going down to e-board city to get some cuba food and have a fucking another cocktail It's like maybe 10 in the morning now. He just looks at me. He's like, uh, you need to grow up The last time I ever spoke to the guy I was one of my best friends let I look I went I need to grow up I'm making a dickload of money working. I'm having a great time I'm not fucking doing coke at 8 in the morning having some champagne and some drinks and I got a film crew with me

And i'm in the limo This is if anyone got an opportunity to be in a limo at 10 in the morning getting driven around Being treated like a celebrity and someone opened a bottle of champagne on New Year's morning You'd fucking have a sip and I just looked at him and I was like, uh last time I ever talked to him There's nothing worse than the people who stopped getting high Who get pissed at people who get high. Yeah, listen I don't do coke no more. It's eight years I don't want to do it

You know, I don't want to hang out in the car with somebody Like I can't imagine getting pulled open. You got an eight ball on you now I gotta do time because of you I gotta go tell my wife my wife's gonna look at me and go I thought you yeah, whatever You know people who listen to the podcast and they go whatever so But I don't get mad when people do it right you want to come to a show and get fucking blasted as long as you shut the fuck up I would never ever at all It's those idiots that don't get high

And judge people they drive me up a fucking wall and they use it. It's who they are now Like I've been clean and so who gives a fuck before that you were sucking dick like everybody else in the fucking room Yeah, so go fuck yourself who gives a fuck that you know, there's too many of those people here that too Well, yes, I used to do drugs so did everybody else big fucking deal said everybody else You know guns and roses, you know the eagles I said big con there's a big thing going on with the eagles right now that they're doing something and not inviting Not inviting three of the guys three of the guys. Yeah

Let me tell you what happened to the eagles They grew up They realized this was a business Don henley and glenn fry Realized this is a business and listen. We were broken up for 20 years Yeah, that's fine. But guess what me and him Had number one selling songs and we acted and we did movies and we did all this So we kept the eagles alive

Now lee wants to walk in here and get 30 percent that's coming to them. I can't give it to you lee You've been living on laurel kangen telling people you hung out with tom petty when you were a kid I've been out there doing it So they threw out don felder. That's the only one that bothers me Really the other two They were there for one. They're keeping joe walsh, right? Well, yeah, yeah, joe walsh. We got to keep your wash. It's not fair. Yeah, joe walsh showed up later Don Felder wrote hotel california. Really? Yeah, but what happened with don felder?

He's one of these guys that he didn't need much You know don felder didn't need much don Felder's okay. Just to make it simple The cadashians hang out with a dude that has brown hair and he's married to a chick with blonde hair That's don Felder's daughter Don Felder has been on the cadashians before really. Yes. Is he rich? Well, he didn't need for much But he's still party. So when they had that big sponsor that's big tour in 99 when they made the comeback It was 250 dollars a fucking ticket. He had a signed paperwork that he was an employee

And they're like, what are you talking about? I was there from the beginning. You know, he showed up like hey guys Here's the bronze and the booze and they looked at him. They all had suits on and haircuts and They were like, no, we don't even talk to each other. We just play as a band now Same thing happened to the beach boys. I got really into the beach boys like a couple weeks ago Uh a couple months ago after I saw that movie love and mercy with uh with paul dano Fucking great movie. But man the beach boys now I think they're all employees like mike love does his own beach boys tour brian wilson's got his own like it's it's it's

Bizarre and their family their cousins. It's very interesting. You said something I had a conversation with slash That was very interesting and it's true with commie I bumped into him one weekend. I was flat broke. I was opening for joe at the riviera They paid a hundred a set. It was the midnight show Sharipa gave you a card to eat with the employees roast beef with teeth marks in it You know bread with fingers. Oh my god teeth marks in it little muffins with fingerprints in them Yeah, I think the people they put their finger through them. It's a hard. It was a horrible experience

And I walked around like I see and I had no weed joe didn't smoke then You know joe would get pissed if you smoked then this is 99 Holy shit, and I see slash. I had saw him at burbank airport and then now I saw him at the casino earlier And now there he is just walking around at 1 30 in the morning And I went up to him. I introduced myself. I met yet the Room on sunset. I met Ahmed ran a room then Uh, doublins before doublins. What was it before the you mix the union? Okay, it was the union. It was it was first opened by Ahmed Ahmed

And the movie stars girlfriend. What's the movie star? I met Ahmed was roommates with Vince Vaughn's earlier girlfriend a lot of girl that had a lot of hair on her back She was cute as fuck, but she had tons of hair right in the back A lot of girl had a tons of hair on her back. She was like a wet wolf and I used to look at me go How much hair could she possibly having a money? It's like a fucking bald head. I mean it was she was cute So they used to book him to make a long story short. I introduced myself and I and again I said to him what really happened to guns and roses and he asked me if I was broke And I said yes, and he goes you work hard. Yes

These are going to be the best times of your life He goes wait till you're getting letters from lawyers telling you what you can and can't say on stage That's when this changes That's when this really changes That's when People don't justify the work they did In his case. He got a check in the mail And he freaked out

He hired like a psychic When I first moved to LA in january 97 The second celebrity I saw was axl rose at gorky park Gorky park gorky park is a russian park I mean there was a movie called gorky park. I know that gorky park is a park On fountain boulevard over over in hollywood where they play chess the old bunch of men play chess And there's a farmers market on mondays and tuesdays. Yes Okay, big swing sets. We used to do the girls birthdays. It's on gork. It's on uh

Down the block from the guitar center. Yeah, right there right down the block from the guitar Me and josh both lived in that building there and then over his gardener over is uh Where mitch headberg lived with nick the palo and then over his curse on But right there That used to when we first moved here. They sold nickel bags a weed there the russians in the back of the park Big swings back there. Yes big swings. Yeah big swings big park. Well back one day. I'm walking out and there's Axel rose and like this the dodge viper

Oh, yeah, yeah, remember the old I remember the dodge viper by the yellow one like it stuck out like a fucking Like a like a black dude nasville. Like he just stuck out jack Let me give some shout outs and we'll get you out of here. Yeah, I gotta get out of Oh, hey this weekend. I'm at the urvine improv. Are you this week? Yeah, there's the friday saturday. No friday saturday sunday Oh, beautiful. That's a nice thing to do and then what all the dates you have. That's it. I'm well then I start up in Uh, january and I'm on tour until june. So go to burpurbert.com. Check out my vlog on my youtube page I'm doing them. I'm doing them. I'm trying to do them daily or by daily Twice a week three times a week. So go to my youtube channel subscribe and uh, and then check out my podcast joey

We're gonna do a two-parter joey's gonna come on next week. We'll do it after I go to jersey I'm gonna see these two people. Yeah, I'm gonna see what happens and see how we'll talk about this. We'll talk about this We'll continue it. Let me give uh 100 p.m 1 p.m. Hebrew a shout out marty 101 hoster Chris arena leon vega my main man holding it down in spain Jt always on there fucking around a krusky chris

Brendon, uh, no 19 krusky l chris Brendon stuff the main bastard and boston john y'all get shout out this saturday I will be at governors in long mother fucking island bitches And then the december 17th st. Lazaros birthday I will be at the american comedy club in san diego. Lee will not be there. He will be in uh, a love shack Tying mama up getting here beating about alana. What that's what's her name? About who? Alana del Rey telling you about her feelings a lot of del Rey and what it means to her when she is those songs

And you gotta sit there and take that ear beating until you finally say listen What's going on with that dick sucking you out of mind? Oh, there's a fucking uh, I gotta get this cabin fucking rocking and shit But you sit there and take you probably sit in the cabin and text with it You got a text to come on over here sniff this fucking jute nut sack It's so funny to see lego from when I walked in and we had a we had a yeah go here Conversation to see him blinking off over in the quarter. Oh my god 600 milligrams because you know Can we can I say what you said when you came in of course? Yeah, he was like what's what's a good amount to have if I just want to go to sleep

But I was like well I'm not a good question to ask me because my my my limits are really there. I'm not saying I'm at joey's level, but I'm close I told I just would I would love to be able to take a little bit of an edible And have it you work like a xanax and just put you to sleep or like an ambient be the healthiest way to go Like the fuck you think I do every night. How do you think I fall asleep the best? I got fucking pills at the house And I'll tell you what the sunlight I take the pills just to give me a different high

But you want to sleep like a fucking baby. Yeah, I got the recipe. What is it one of these stars? Maybe two of these stars Joey you realize that is the That would fucking cause how many milligrams is that let's pretend you eat 250. Let me tell you what's gonna happen to You're gonna sleep seven fucking hours before you even know what hey You're gonna wake up with a pillow over your face No, I just look at me on you're gonna be thirsty as fuck You're gonna get up. You're gonna go pee. You're gonna go drink some water

I love one of them is an ass. Yeah, we're gonna do this and you go hold on. I'll be right back You're gonna go right back into that bed and sleep three more. I was gonna be the best 10 hours of your life Plus if you've worked out it's gonna clean all the acid out of your muscles Really? And you know I feel like a new man. I popped 375 milligrams yesterday Then I went home and I popped two fucking zebo's And I spoke to another jebo on top of that about 12 30 By one o'clock I was on fire in that living room. I turned the tv off. It took me 10 minutes just to get up

You understand me? I love those but once I got up I went right to that bedroom And when I woke up this morning, I didn't even know where I was. I know what country I had to drink a big cup of coffee Yeah And I talked to them for a little while just to get my speech back and shit like that and then Just to get my speech back. Sure. You gotta get your speech back because it's all fucked up We'll have fun in uh, you guys listen man. I read something very interesting. That's not surprising. What's that? That uh

prescription pills are down Because people eat medical marijuana. It's not a it's not a surprise to me. God forbid Some in your family get some type of cancer and the radiation This guy man. He was telling me a story. How he stopped eating He stopped eating. He goes it wasn't even enjoyable on why couldn't taste food And then he ate the last thing he thought a candy chef boy. I did He goes to ravioli and he brought him back to being a kid So he went back to the supermarket and he bought a bunch of cans of that

And then opened up as that appetite, you know what I'm saying? So this shit at night. I'll tell you this is the best I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you And even if you don't like edibles you get something that's strong and you just take a little bite off it You'd be surprised. You know, I'm teasing you. You wouldn't know what are those in the ghost ativa or just a hybrid You want to go to sleep or you want to ask questions? I want to go to sleep Yeah Are you happy when you go to this farmer's market and talk about chutney and shit like that? No

I wish mercy could come into that too. Do you ever eat edibles? No, okay So all you all the time I've ever eaten edibles is with you. Okay, so this is all you need Let's tell you this in a sincere way. This should last you This should last you two weeks And two weeks I'm talking about seven nights a week. This is seven nights Awesome. Take a piece here. Take a piece here. I'm not knowing you Because we're family. Yeah, you uh, I'm gonna cleanse. Okay You're gonna drink a glass of wine. Which is the igniter

Oh, really? sure You know what happens to me if I drink a glass of red wine and you don't have a fucking star Yeah, you don't want to know. I have to go to the hospital. Really? Oh my god, Lee You will get fucked up if you drink the wine first and smoke reefer You will get sick. You will puke If you drink the wine first and then smoke you will puke you will puke Yeah, you get a bad headache and you'll get sick. I've never had a good experience smoking and drinking at the same time

Me neither. I've never been able to Me neither. Oh, I love it. I love it. But let me tell you something I'll tell you what you do get one of those club W bottles, right tonight. Is she coming over? No, perfect You either because you tried by yourself because now you have something to offer Don't do it with her because if you have a bad night, then no, this wasn't that good And I really know you look like a fucking jerk off But I'll tell you what you eat one of these

You need 300 right now. You need you eight six or your damage for today, right? But tomorrow you eat two stars And you drink you get a glass of wine and you take two sips out of it and see what happens Well, that's the thing you're gonna feel the best you felt ever it's gonna change the way and then a little by little but You follow. I mean this is to sleep. I'm not talking to go out because the red wine will fucking zap you Okay, you drink white wine or red wine red wine. See that that that alone I don't know how you know a glass of red wine is one of the healthy if you take care of your body Yeah, drink red wine

And fucking take time to make something that day with garlic in it. You will live to be a hundred Oh, I got garlic and uh, and uh, and broccoli sauce in the in the fucking fridge With Chinese people. No, no, no, I just got made it. I made like roasted it I'm trying to be healthy this month. Yeah, no, so if you chop that garlic up and you drink a little bit of red wine at night Now listen, people will get different with you if you drink a bottle of red wine That's a complete different situation But a glass of red wine will never kill anybody. I don't give a fuck. I know living proof. I don't drink I don't have a taste to drink when I want to plane

If I remember the southwest coupons and you know, even when I fly first class I got an upgrade I'm always shy to ask. Yeah, like Delta has the description of the menus like nutty Nutty this and nutty this and I'm always like, maybe I should get a glass of wine, but I don't get too fucked up Oh, yeah, I don't I like it's interesting. I haven't drank. I haven't drank in four days. I'm a I'm a big drinker by all No shit, sure. But but uh, I don't miss it like I don't I don't have one I'm not one of those personalities that needs to drink To have a good time or needs to drink to do something or needs to drink at the end of the night I I'm more about rewarding myself with like fucking anything just like fucking pizza

Like I'm about rewards. I want to reward myself. That's where I'm fucking That's the interesting thing was when I get into these healthy modes I'll find myself Denying myself anything and it's just odd. I have a question for you because I saw on your twitter How is the cauliflower pizza pizza crust fucking amazing? Okay, come on because Follow me that it's okay. It's not a me amazing. Did she it was amazing. She made it. It was good, but it was It's not like pizza. Did she make but I'm a pretty good cook She's oh, she's pretty good

It tasted okay, but I was like it's not well first of all I spiced it up a lot a lot of garlic on top Okay, and then I and I used a good sauce on top. I used buffalo mozzarella so I had like nice good mozzarella on top and uh, and I fucking loved it. I'd have it again. The only problem is there's just no carbs. It's not healthy There's a ton of cheese in there right something like I'm looking to be healthy also All right, I should go I gotta go pick up Isla. Go ahead. Go do your thing. I love you. I love you joey Thank you for coming on don't forget My main man is an Irvine this weekend. If you've not known nothing

I was there last weekend The fucking great room the unami burger is delicious. Don't fuck with mommy burgers there. I forgot that's right You're gonna shit blood for four fucking days. Is there a bathroom up here, Lee? Yes, there is And I love that you came on and give my best to the fucking family. You know, I love you guys As usual as usual do not forget Our main sponsor. I love them with all my heart Me on these me on these is just a complete different experience As an underwear for comfort they keep your nutsack in I mean let's talk about underwear

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That done with vapor pens go to loads goomies or models dot com right now I want to thank on it. I want to thank me on these dot com I want to thank blue apron club w all our sponsors. Uh, who else uh texture I want to thank everybody for the love and support nailed at life Uh, hitty sigs. You're all a bunch of bad motherfuckers support these guys. Don't forget long island saturday night December 17th long, uh, San Diego, california. Lee. What do you got cooking cocksucker? Just flying you radio What

You're what? Yeah, it's fun. It's ready. I mean, I think that's it. Yep. That's it. That's why you got funko. Joey That's all I got right now. All right, my brother Lee's going to take care of the catch while i'm gone He's my brother. I also want to congratulate lee He's doing his first jujitsu tournament this weekend over at john joc machado or toys for whatever All I got to say is uh, I don't have the balls to do a competition Lee's going to go up there. He's been working hard and from the bottom of my heart. I'm very fucking proud of you Lee because

This is going to change you as a person This is going to change you as a man for a long time. You're really going to love it They're either going to sit on your face and break your elbow Or you're going to go in there on Monday and really kick the fuck out of it I'm really proud of you, man That you even get the balls to do it. So congratulations When to lose you're a fucking winner. You don't lose on this move. I'll do it. I'm happy. I'm doing it This is what the church is all about is trying things and doing it. Nothing happens on the couch. Nothing

It's gonna be interesting. He's 280 pounds. Who goes to fuck? You're 220 230 280 if you fucking really lay on top of him So you got every opportunity in the world and just the fact that you're going It's gonna rise you as a human being watch you're gonna you're gonna tell me on Monday You feel completely different Everything feels different because you did something for yourself, man And i'm really proud of you from the bottom of my heart. So congratulations. Thank you For taking the move and beside that. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. I want to thank bird christ

I want to thank you guys for listening and for the support and for keeping savage dad at number one I can't ask for anything else from you guys. Thank you very much. You're helping me prove a point. So, uh Thank you. Have a great weekend. We'll be back month. We'll be back next thursday December 10th. I'm taking monday and wednesday off with the family But i'll be periscoping you motherfuckers. So stay black. I love you and we'll talk next week from new york I What are you waiting for? I'm looking for what we wanted to close with. You know what we're closing with

Tom freddy. Yeah She laughed at my face Told me goodbye Said don't think about it. You can go crazy Anything can happen Anything can be Don't try to fight it don't try to save me She's a

I But it's never me All right Do what you want Don't try to talk don't say nothing She used to be the kind of one You're howling your home She could understand the problem

She left the little things to go. She's the one in life She's the one in life And he's gonna break through the heart and pieces She don't find a door. She's the one in life She can't let go Oh Time after time Night after night

She would look up at me and say she was lonely I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needed The game of everything she threw it all away She's the one in life She's the one in life And he's gonna break through the heart and pieces She's the one in life

Please let me She's the one in life You