Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #339 - Theo Von

Episode Date: December 11, 2015

Theo Von, Comedian who's special, "No Offense will be on Netflix soon', joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get 50% off of your first order of wine curated just for you Texture. Go To texture.com/history to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkou   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada.   Recorded live on 12/10/2015.
   Music:  The Lemon Song - Led Zeppelin I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Remedy - The BLack Crowes  

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off of all the great optimization products like alpha brand new mood, shroom tech immune and shroom tech sport. It's called word church to get 10% off. What's happening you bad mother fuckers. It's the church. What's happening you bad mother fuckers. Uncle Joey here with my man Theo Vaughn a lot of you people like Joey where the fuck you been. I was on vacation. I don't take fucking vacations but I had to take a vacation. I got a wife and a child now and I got to act like a fucking individual. I can't just I didn't take my listen. I was my wife 15 years and never took her to New York. Really? That's where I'm from. Never fucking took her. Never. I'm not in the

mood. I only go out back to do comedy. I don't go back to the dilly-dally when I go back to when I go back to New York. I fly in. I go to my favorite Chinese restaurant. I do radio the next day after fucking radio. I go to the cemetery. I put flowers on my mom's grave and then I do my four fucking shows. I get the fuck out on the first while on Sunday just like I do every other goddamn city. That's it. I try to see some people in between you know a school teacher or two maybe you know some really yeah I still talk to my school teachers two of them. I was gonna go to dinner with the one but he had to take his grand kid out of the house where he wanted to meet me later on but we were leaving early so I couldn't meet him at 10. That's fucking awesome day. So

you know we never really took a break from the podcast and we did last Monday and last Wednesday. I took off Monday we were gonna do last night but I tell you feel I hate fucking doing podcasts when I'm tired. I don't want to give nobody as Jimmy Schuber says the short script. You're following me. I was just out of it last night. The five and a half hour flight with the fucking oh that's miserable dude. See by myself I'll eat a fucking pot cookie. Right. And I get stoned. I fall asleep for half. When you have the family. I got caught smoking vapor on the fucking pen tremendous. I had one of those vapor pens and I just filled it up. It was it was it was just brand new. I took the inhaler with me. They have an asthma inhaler now. So I took further pot for the reefer that

yeah oh it does dabs it fucks you up. So I took that with me to New York and I sprayed it twice you know a couple times on the plane and it kept me there and then I hit it when I was in New York and I hit it with Ari when I went over to see the tree and the fucking the Saks Fifth Avenue and all that shit and I ran out. So I had this brand new to to Graham oil from Perennial and I opened it up before I got on the plane. I charge it up the first 10 hits. It's like fucking death hits like they just fucking clouds of smoke. So I hit it two times. Then I got on the plane like two hours into the flight looking at my daughter and every time I would hit it it would go by my daughter because she had the window seat so I go I can't let her have it so I go let me go to the bathroom.

I'm in the bathroom with the fucking iPod on. Listen to the pink floor. No you're not. That's how fucking crazy I am. I'm not listen. It's wish you were here. That's the album listen to because it was like shine on you crazy diamond and have a cigar. I ate edibles. I had a I had like three or four red stars. You had a little magic in your system. Oh I was fucked. I had I was fucked up for the first two and a half hours because I got I didn't get fucked up on the way there and it made a big difference. I got agitated on the two hour mark and the two and a half hour mark. If you don't have something once the move once Mad Max is finished right you ready to kill a motherfucker on the flight. Mad Max is not the movie to watch on a fucking plane because there

you are sitting there. Everybody's driving jumping over people and shit shooting motherfuckers and you're sitting there next to like some fucking politician or some shit. You want to get up. You want to get up. So I said fuck that. So I dozed myself on the way out. I had virgin. I had a main cabin select. It's the one behind first class. So we could all sit together because in first class we couldn't all sit together. I would have to sit by myself and she'd be fucking crawling back and forth to like fuck that. Just get the main cabin select. How tall is the child you have. She's a fucking midget. She's three. You know. She's just a little bit. How tall do you think she is. She's up. Oh that's not very tall. No she's a little baby.

Oh that's not very tall. So I got up. I go to the bathroom. I close the fucking door and I'm in there. I'm hitting this pen and I see clouds. I'm like wow. What color work is this. Fucking clouds of smoke and I'm hitting this vapor and I'm hitting this fucking savage. With your iPod on. With the iPod on. Listen to fucking shine on you crazy diamond and all of a sudden I hear. I see the little red light going on and I'm like open up. Are you smoking in there. And I put the thing in my pocket and I take this out and I blow a couple clouds of this shit. And I go hold on. Like I'm putting my dick in my pants which I really did piss and then I fucking wash my hands and I'm like what's the problem. And she goes were you

smoking in here. I go no. Wow. Do I look like I was smoking in here. She looked at me. She goes this is smell like smoke and she took. Oh they take everything out. The garbage. They do everything. They look for the cigarette. Yeah. Oh wow. And now what were you doing the whole time to standing there. I'm standing there going I don't know what happened. I banged it when I came in. The plane shifted and I hit the wall and that's the next thing you know you people are knocking on my thing and they're like we don't smell no smoke. I wonder what made it go off. And I'm sitting there going they fucking know they're just playing. Oh really. But then they were cool. The rest of the flight. Fianas bro. I sat there. They were cool. And then at the end I gave my

wife the keys. I told my wife listen they call me in the bathroom. I only got arrested. So take the car keys. I'll see you at the house. What did you say? She just fucking looked the other way and like shook her head. Wasn't my wife going to fucking say at this age. Damn. I'm 50. What are you going to say to me. Well then I walked off the fucking plane like I owned LA. Wow. Nobody said dick to me. Did you think though somewhere in your head that whenever you got to LA there was going to be people. Oh fuck yeah. They've been waiting for me before. I've been approached at the plane one time on the way to Columbus. Is it kind of cool or is it just fucking not cool. If you're getting off a plane you got an ounce of weed in your nutsack. Yes. It ain't fucking

cool. If you get off the plane and you're cool. You know you don't like the one time I was in Columbus. I had weed on me and some guys said I didn't do nothing. He leaned back and I go hold on one second. He turned on. He was like fuck you. So I said fuck you. So I'm like kicked the chair and he went and told the store that so I was the bad guy the rest of the fucking flight. Oh Jesus. And then you start to feel like the fucking bad guy to you like oh you're not a bad guy. Oh yeah. You fucking me. Put that seat back again. And here's what happened. We went to Columbus. They got us off the plane. They got statements from both of us and they let us go. And a year later they got on the plane. That same fucking guy is on the plane. How you

doing? You just sat there the whole time like a little fucking. So in all your year of being on the plane and like having weed under your nut and all that you never once smoked a cigarette in the plane? No. Wow. In 1983 I was flying. You used to be able to didn't you? Yeah you could smoke in the flight. In Russia you can't have heard. Really? Mm-hmm. You do anything in Russia? But I heard that you can though. You could smoke in like certain areas. You could smoke on a plane. But I tell you what I did see one fucking time though. Fuck you broke my teeth. I don't even know what I was gonna say to you. Smoking on a plane. Smoking on a plane. Smoking on a plane. You never once smoked on a plane here?

No. But in 1984, February 1984, I got on the plane in Aspen. It was Aspen, Denver, Denver, Jersey. Then the way back from Denver to Jersey there was a soldier next to me and I had a brown bowl and weed. And I'm like you want me to get high? That's when you could smoke cigarettes on a plane. He's like let's go do it. We went to the back fucking other thing. Me and this guy had a wooden fucking bowl. I put the weed in there. We each took two pops to fucking the whole plane. Of course. Wow. They were pissed. Who's smoking marijuana on the plane? We're going to search there and do shit. I walked out of there with that soldier saluting the cops and shit. Yeah, I take a chance from time to time. For a soldier you got to, bro. I get a soldier.

How the fuck did I get him doped out of his brain if I had enough dope for him? They fucking pressed heavy duty charges on you one night. I got so fucked up in an airport at 12 ounces of blow on me. That was coming from New Jersey. Do people from New Jersey get busted for coke more often than other people you think? I fucking know. I was a criminal and I was living in Aspen and coke was 1800 and 1800 an ounce. And I'm like are you fucking people kidding me? I'm paying 800 and they're fucking beautiful ounces. And I could cut it and still make money. I go fuck it. So I started getting guns and bring them to these coasts and started bringing coke back. But this was the problem

that I would take the one o'clock flight from New Jersey to Denver and that's really three o'clock, which would get me in there like a seven and then would start snowing. I started to take connecting flight from Denver to Aspen. That flight would always get canceled. Here I am in Denver airport with 12 ounces of blow geeked out of my face at the fucking bar. I remember one night I was at the bar just drinking fucking doing lines in the bathroom. I kept putting the coke in the locker and I kept spending all my money and quarters taking the coke out and I became friends with the guy at the bar and me and him started snorting. We got fucking lit at 6 a.m. I stayed in the airport all night getting fucked up,

coped up, jerking off in the men's store, the fucking bathroom. That is dark and awesome. Fuck it. Yeah. That's the dark side. Oh my god. That's the worst, bro. You just up with your fucking ideas feeling your fucking pulse. What's up, Lisa? It's been a week without an edible. I know. I'm just glad that you're back home out of space. I don't know if you guys know. I'm pretty high, man. Oh no, fuck you. We don't fuck around. My boy joined you Jitsu months ago, three months ago and he did his first fucking tournament. I've been going to Jitsu for two fucking years and I'm still scared to go on a tournament. Lee went Sabbath. It's so much more fun than practice. He took third fucking place. Out of three people.

You know what place I took? No fucking place. I was at that. I was walking around a fucking central park with ducks and there you are fucking choking motherfuckers. My heart goes out to you, bro. You're a bad motherfucker. Yes, commendable, bro. You could have commendable, bro. You could end up in fourth place, right? You could have got disqualified. You could have showed up. I had a little bit of a bronchitis right now, so I wanted to quit, but I knew if I didn't do it, you John Budden, everyone won't kill me. So I'll just go. No, we wanted to kill you. I understand. What was the match like? I wanted to see you play off the hand, Lee. I see. I was never scared of it. I've said I wrestled in high school. It was

never good, but I knew I wasn't going to like physically die or occasionally someone breaks an arm or something, but that's not even the end of the world. It really, I've been losing weight for the past couple of years and it really kicked it into gear that I need to finish losing the weight because I was rough. I was, because it was a smaller tournament. I'm 228 right now. I was going against people who were like 290, 280. So it was, it wasn't, it wasn't an ideal situation for me. Were you pretty like, were you pretty like, did you smoke first? No. Oh God, people asked me that man. I, I can't imagine doing that high. I don't smoke before you get to it. It makes it really, really. When Javier was choking me that night and I was stoned out of my mind, I was

like, are you, I was like, I just laughed. It's a different world. Is it? Oh, could you be high and do it? No, I tried a couple of times. I almost had heart attacks because when you start breathing heavy, your mind takes you away. Yeah. So, you know, like when you're on an edible, when you breathe heavy, like when you're like, when I go to just switch more than I was breathing heavy, like a hard time. Yeah, he said, yeah. So if I would have done an edible, the edible takes your mind away. And all of a sudden your mind, the edible tells your mind you're about to have a heart attack and your fucking heart starts pounding just from listening to your mind. That's not even true. Sometimes just here, I'll start having like a little bit of a panic attack.

A little palpitation. Yeah. The edibles, let me tell you something. Edibles don't learn copacetic for everybody. They create a lot of anxiety. A lot of people say, you know, I like smoking pop, but for me, it gives me anxiety. Yeah. That's not good for you. It's not good for you at all if you get that uncomfortable feeling. That's times we fucking 8,000 milligrams edible. And it's an uncomfortable feeling. You go through an hour of like, Jesus Christ, this is terrible. I feel I'm pretty uncomfortable right now. I feel pretty high. Do you? Yeah. Because I don't ever smoke. So I feel fucking. When did you start coming?

Pretty high, man. I've been around in that life for like 10 years. Yeah. I started like 12, 13 years ago. Okay. Cause I know you were in that life. You were really young. Like 2005, you were doing something. I was young, man. Do you ever miss the weight? Do you ever miss the weight, bro? I miss eating what I want to eat. Yeah. I miss, like I didn't care. Like how much would you eat? We just eat the fuck out of something sometimes.

Oh yeah. Oh, it sounds nice, man. I worked. Really? Yeah. Just fucking get whatever you want. Oh, it's great. Just fucking put it in your mouth. It's like even football, like it's depressing for me. I don't watch football. I used to watch football all day and I would get a large pizza and 12 wings, fucking six Diet Cokes. Oh, wow. Just great. And not even worried about it.

Just not even worrying about it at all. Did you ever sleep on a fucking like piece of cross to something? Like you were just eating like a fucking monster. Not, not normally. Like we used to do this podcast at six a.m. And I would work nights. Yeah. We used to, we did it for like a year for like at six, six a.m. And I was working nights on a TV show. So I'd go from there to here and then I would like,

it'd be like eight in the morning and I'd be getting jack in the box. Yeah. And like sometimes I'd just pass out for eating it. Well, no, just from all these things. But then I'd pass out by like the the rappers and still be on my couch or something. It's terrible. Oh, okay. Cause you never, you never hear like people's like fucking eating stories.

Every tells their weight loss story. Like I went here when you was just fucking hiding chocolate in your fucking cheeks, man. When you're just filling your gills up. I used to go, I got, I got, I got up to three 15. I was the highest I ever got. Yeah. And at a certain point I was every, every night getting two packages, Reese sticks and two either Swedish fish or gummy bears.

And in my sticks, yeah. Oh, those are the best. Are they good? Those are still the best. I can't have them. I can't have them, but those are the best. And then either Swedish fish or gummy bears. Yeah.

And just have them. And I would tell myself I would have the other, I would have two of each the next day, but it would never happen. Wow. So I miss, I miss that. Now I have, now I have a fudgical and it's depressing, but it still tastes good. It still tastes good, but it's not. It covers the spread.

Yeah. What you really fucking want. That's the worst. Now you grew up where? New, uh, Louisiana. How far from New Orleans? A suburb? About 40 miles.

Yeah. 45 miles. So your family's eaters? Yeah. Our family's like, we didn't eat a bunch of food, but we ate as much as we had pretty much. I mean, I've had three experiences in New Orleans. Yeah.

And one outside of New Orleans. And all my experiences are what we've been around food. It's a very food culture. People love to eat. It's a very foodie culture. And depending where the fuck you go, you know, don't hit you with some alligator. Shrimp po-boys? Shrimp po-boys.

Like a motherfucker, you know. Oh, they're fucking good. When I went to shoot a grudge match, we shot that in New Orleans, but you know, I was a little man in the totem pole and they put me in a hotel where they give you, all the meals are inclusive. Yeah. And at first I was like, I'm like, I'm fucking eating a fucking hotel. Oh my God.

The hotel food was good. Every fucking meal was world-class. And it was all like a seven course. Yeah. Start to finish salad, dessert, appetizer, you know, everything was fucking delicious. So it's a food culture. So, I mean, you're in great shape. You take care of yourself.

Yeah, kind of. I mean, I like you. You eat what you want. I mean, you have a great metabolism. You work out a lot. Not as much. I wish. Yeah, I work out a pretty decent amount.

I wish that I fucking started. I wish I actually ate more and like just like you would do like you to just let, like some of that I just want to honestly just fucking fill myself with fucking food and salt and fucking sugar. It's fun for a little bit, but it's, I would give anything to be as skinny as you are. So it's really, yeah, man. I've never been skinny. So this is like a new, a new thing for me.

Oh, well, so your life's fucking feeling a little bit different on you. Yeah. I mean, I'm still, I'm still, I'm 228 today. So it's not, it's not great, but it's better than 315. You didn't look fat to me. I was just thought like, man, he's got like, he's got kind of a unique shape, but he's chill. But then I was like, oh, and then if you feel fat, that's a bum.

I have like, well, I don't, I don't feel any different at all. But it's like, I would imagine, I'm surprised you're not fat. Like Ben, like Ben Yays. Are you serious? If I lived in New Orleans and had Ben Yays and tripped whole boys. Fucking Ben Yays. I've never even had one, but I just see it and it just looks. It used to be a place in Boulder.

Baby formula too, actually on there. Baby formula. You see a lot of the sisters drinking baby formula outside of the French quarter. I don't know if you ever know. In a bottle? What do they do? In a bottle? No, no, no.

Just a can, right? If I can, it's just can and up. It's true, man. A couple of sisters out there can and up. It's, uh, you know, it's weird you talking about this because I think that like my best eating period, you know, you start off skinny. You work out in high school, you play football. You know, I had a friend that used to eat a box of fucking cereal for breakfast

and lentilman's cake. How the fuck did I get on the milk? Because whatever the fuck the milk is with the cereal. Was he driving truck? That's insane. He was in high school with the lift weights. And, and then, you know, I was eating too. I had a great appetite.

Then I, I moved to Colorado and they were, they took away the night eating. There's no more drinking and going to eat what I was used to eating. Right. It was an open steak sandwich at two in the morning. With a fillet cream, a turkey soup. And not even brushing your teeth. Shit. Just going to bed with dirty teeth.

Fucking son, that's how I do it. Fuck yeah. Fucked up. So that's it. Yeah. That's where I'm from at a place you get to bed with dirty teeth. Dirty teeth. And you, you know, you don't, uh, I don't eat here at night.

I go home. If I'm really high, I'll eat whatever my wife cooked, which is controlled. It's like a chicken cutlet. You know what I'm saying? Like there's not like 20 chicken cutlets. Well, there's 20 chicken cutlets. You can fuck shit up. There'll be like one leftover chicken cutlet.

I'll eat a chicken cutlet, eat an apple. You know what I'm saying? Just to, yeah. I've been lucky all week. My mom has been here for almost a week. No way. And I haven't eaten this good in four years. She's making breakfast?

She hasn't, we, we, we, she's, we've been sleeping a little late. We have, she had a couple of days she made breakfast, but it's been like, she made brisket. She made, uh, a couple kinds of different kinds of chicken. And it just, I like all of that. Stacked all my, like my entire fridge is full now for like a few weeks. I like peach cobbler. Oh, she made ice box cake.

Have you ever had that? All you do is you take a layer of graham crackers and you have to get the, the cook and serve pudding, not like pudding cups, but you have to cook pudding. And you just do layers of pudding and graham cracker you put in the fridge and let freeze up and then put some whipped cream on it. Paula's been talking about it for three days. She loves it. It's so good.

We, sorry. Yeah. Okay. What was it? We used to fill fucking, we used to have this game where you would fill like people's two dudes would fill their mouth with sugar, you know, and then you would, you would slap each other and fucking chase. But here's the thing, bro.

It's hard to hold a whole bunch of sugar in your mouth and keep it all and keep it all. Well, here's the thing. It starts to dissolve them, but you get parts because all your moisture is going to this thing. So your body starts to dry out. So then you start, you're, you're basically holding the sugar in your dry mouth at a certain point, man. You feel like the desert.

How old were you? Well, I don't know. Like he was a child. Okay. You're like, when I was like eight, like eight, yeah, like, yeah, seven, eight, 11, and then 14, even 14, even, and this one 18 year old shit. We used to have this fucking girl who was probably 14 that went shirtless, bro. And she was like fucking four, four to 14 shirtless, bro.

Shirtless. Why was that? I don't know. It was just over the whole family was pretty much shirtless and they didn't do any different by the girls, man. This girl was shirtless as fuck. And we all thought like, damn, she's like a long here. She's like the most best looking dude you ever seen, right?

We thought that till about 11. And then somebody's like, that's a girl, man. She just goes shirtless. And we're like, don't be told to put a shirt out in school. Oh, I don't know about school, but I never, I mean, she was in a children's school. I was a little bit older than her, but I never saw anybody just be completely shirtless like that. Who puts fucking sugar in their mouth?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, it was a cheap game, bro. It's like, if you don't have a bunch of money to go do something, you fill each other's mouth up with sugar and then y'all just gotta slap each other in the cheek. There was a kid in my neighborhood, John Carney, not a bad kid. Always great sensei. We had a brother, Brian Carney. In those days, kids didn't have ADD and they didn't have what this.

We were just retarded. Well, he had the cheeky eyes. Yeah, he just wasn't cutting it. He doesn't cut it, man. And they used to torture him. Yeah, we call them God's favorites. Yeah, they used to make him drink piss. They'd piss in a beer bottle and close it and put it at the last bottle.

He would take it, clap beer and he fucking drank it. I was never involved in this shit with Brian Carney. No, he just wasn't sharp, you know, wasn't he? He just wasn't a sharp kid. Nice kid always said, hello, Brian Carney, but they did weird things to him. Like they used to make him eat shit. Like they pay him like 15 bucks to make him eat a lot of like weird stuff. How much shit?

Oh, I think an actual shit. No, no, no, no, no, like fill his mouth with pepper and shit like that. Then they had this other kid, the kid, the guy who they just fired from the Miami Hurricanes, Defensive Coordinator. When he was a kid, his brothers and all those guys in the neighborhood used to tie him up on a bicycle, make him eat raw eggs and blow him up in his mouth and all that shit. Like put the eggs in the shell and smack him and blow the egg in his mouth. No wonder that when that guy went to Penn State, it was an all-american.

Thanks God, I would have died in your town. There were certain people who just got... Thank God, I was too learning for that. I was one of those kids. The guy I got into it with when I did that club, before I met Lee, I did a club in New York City. One of the first times I went to New York to do comedy on my own, I booked a music club in the village and I went there. The guy that started a fight with me, his name was Brian Burns.

And when we were kids, when you were in grammar school, he already had a legend. What he would do is he had a gang of guys that would take you, tie you down, and they would put duct tape on your balls and fucking that glue shit from taping, and they would call it a table. Oh, yeah. They would give you a table where they'd lay you down and wrap you up with tape, pull the tape off you and shit like that. He was known for all that stuff, for spraying stuff on your balls.

He was a big time bully. And you know what happens to bullies, bro? They get beat up later on in life, people. And I remember that night, like I was like, I could take this fucking down. And I had already a plan. He kept coming in to try to apologize. And I kept going, you know what? I could take this guy.

I could kick him in the fucking knee. You could see he got like 300 something pounds and he stopped eating. So, but you felt like, so it was crazy because the tide had switched with that dude, like in back in the day. He was a bully. Yeah, he was a bullying kid. You know, he was, bro, when I was in eighth grade or seventh grade, he was already in high school, torturizing people.

They said, if you play football, be careful. Because if something happened during football practice that you hit him hard or something, he'd get his friends to give you the table, especially if you were Spanish or something. Yeah. Oh, I should have got racial, huh? It was what it was. Yeah, I mean, it was what the fucking was. I mean, we had one Mexican kid that showed up in our town.

We didn't have any Spanish people. We have one Mexican kid. Let me think about what this kid's name was. I think it was Nick, right? And I remember we all had science class and actually in science class, in science class, I said these hamsters you could play with until the second bell rang or whatever. Then you had to give, you know, put them in a cage and everybody could then we would do

learning, you know? And this fucking one time they had this hamster, right? Superman, we named him. And I was holding him in this fucking big sweatshirt I had, right? And after class, I forgot he was in here. He fell asleep in a little pocket right where you put your hands, right? So after class, I just throw him a book bag I'm running. Next, you know, getting a fight with two brothers, right?

Get beat up pretty good. And one of them had fucking killed this hamster that was still in this pouch. He'd fucking punched it. So I never had it. Like sometimes I'll be fucking, I'm not even joking. But I'll have dreams where I feel like I had an abortion. Poor Superman. I knew something wasn't going to be good.

Yeah, I think his name was Superman. Let me think for a second. It might not have been Superman. Why would you take the fucking hamster out of the class and put it in your fucking pocket for anyway? No, no, no. Because you were sitting in class. You just nothing to do.

And it was nice to kind of have something more. High school. Next, that a town a couple of way from there called Covington, Mandeville. And where'd you go to college? I went to LSU and University of New Orleans. Really? Mm-hmm. Did you graduate from LSU?

I graduated from University of New Orleans eventually. Look at you, you bad motherfucker. So I made it through. You went to LSU. They still talk about pistol-peak. Oh, dude, the town I grew up in. Get the fuck out of here. He lived and died in our town, dude.

Get the fuck out of here. Yep. And Lee Harvey Oswald went to middle school in our town. Get the fuck out of here. Swear to God, dude. And, I mean, I say this a lot, but in 19, once in the 80s and in 1994, a bunch of infected monkeys got out because Tulane University had their primate testing facility center in our town.

And a bunch of infected monkeys got out and they let us out of YMCA summer camp to help the police look for them, bro. I remember they came to summer camp. What? Basically took the kids to look for them. Let me get that pen real quick. Not kids, dude. The tallest boys.

They took the tallest boys right out and we helped them look for them. I remember surrounding a couple of chimps outside of a Kenny Rogers roasters, dude, off of Highway 190. That's a true story, dude. That's the name of your book. Huh? I surrounded some chimps next to a Kenny Rogers roasters. And, dude, the shit got racial.

Like, people go around town, they relate, you know, and I mean, this is fucked up. I mean, this just shows you how far in the south you are. People were like, 90 monkeys just escaped from this place or whatever. And you literally have, like, you know, people riding around guns, fucking Confederate flags. It's like, dude, these are animals, man. Like, relax. Like, the shit almost got, it was weird.

Like, people were like, these fucking monkeys, like, they planned it. Like, it was great. Like, it was weird. I just crewed that name out because today, in today's paper on Twitter, it said that the basketball player from the lake is producing a pistol-peat marriage. Oh, that's awesome. It's biopic. And I'm sitting there going, you know, what kills me about today is they're doing

biopics about people that these motherfuckers don't even know. That movie should have been done two weeks after he fucking died. Yeah. But nobody thought about doing it, you know. Do you know much about pistol-peat? I mean, I think I know a pretty good man about him. I mean, I know he played, you know, I know he played at LSU. I know he played for the jazz.

I know his two sons. Really? Yeah. They played ball, like, whenever I was growing up. So one of them, like, a little younger, one of them a little bit older. So, I mean, they were legends. It was kind of, you know, it was a small town. Like it was legends, legends.

Yeah. The biggest name in his fucking face. If he lost his father wouldn't let him sleep in the house for shit. We'll make him sleep in the fucking yard. This is Southern basketball, Jack. Dude, they had a half quarter or a quarter court in their upstairs of their house above the in the attic. They had a basketball court around the marriages.

Didn't fuck around. That old man didn't fuck around. That dude. He had like, that's why he drank himself the death pistol-peat because he, there was no childhood. His father made him go out there and do wind sprints and shit. Yeah. And that guy wasn't fast, but his fucking handling skills were just phenomenal. He made up for it.

In my life, I've seen two people handle a ball. Fucking phenomenally. One was a guy named Pistol Pete Marovitch, who's an NBA player. And another guy was a kid from South Carolina. His name was Jackie Galoon. White kid or black kid? White kid. And he played basketball on acid.

That's why he didn't get drafted because he was such a freak. But his handling skills, I saw him playing. I played against him when I got older. His handling skills was so fucking unbelievable what he could do with a ball. And unless you see that, it's really hard to explain. Right. Even if you see Kobe Bryant pass or whatever, you know, Stephen Marbury pass, he was nothing or dribble or the control that Pistol Pete had for a white guy.

It's, and he had a tragic life. I don't think he ever won a championship. I don't think he ever won a championship. I know, I think he still has like the highest average per game for college. Right. Yeah, yeah. Because he shot 90 times a fucking game. His father would, his father would say, fuck those four guys.

Yup, literally. Shoot the fucking ball. Shoot the fuck those four motherfuckers. I heard he even tried that sometimes he would wear a completely different jersey. Like he would be on a team and they'd play in a team and then he'd show up in a total different jersey and be like, I'm going to play both of you guys. And they'd be like, you're out of your fucking mind. It was nuts, bro.

But yeah, man. We got out to look for all types of chimps that had gotten out of that, out of that joint, you know, you can still look forward online. They got some old stories about it. You know, it's crazy because they had a lot of going. So no, I grew up in New York City, but in my heart, after I saw different places, there was a couple of places I wish I would have grown up. One would have been New Orleans.

Yeah. The other would have been Houston. And there was one other place I wanted to grow up when I was a kid. I don't know why New Orleans. I don't know why. I always thought New York would be really cool. You follow me like there's always places like I'm very proud to be from Jersey. I love being from where I'm from, but it would be interesting.

Like when I go to New Orleans and I'm driving around, I always go, hmm, how would I turn down if I would have grown up on this fucking street? Well, I don't know about you, but I like, I feel like the South gets a bad rap up north. But when I was driving, I drove across the country three times. I love the South. Everyone's nice. Yeah. It's, it has nice weather.

Like I felt like I got a bad rap where I was in mass. People are fucking, I don't know. People are chill down there, man. But it's a lot of the same. Like you hear that you definitely notice it's a lot of old fashioned ideas down there. Like people, you know, the concepts are slow, you know, but that's what makes the South the South. Right.

Listen, that's what makes the South the South. I read somewhere that last week when those guys, the terrorists shot those people, that the neighbors said he suspected something, but he didn't want to call the police because they didn't want to seem racist. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Because he was politically correct. You understand?

We, we had a point in our lives where we're too politically correct. Look what happened yesterday. Fucking Trump makes that announcement against Muslims. His fucking rating is the highest at seven minutes at 35%. He's 20 points ahead of the fucking competition. 19 points at the competition. I like, uh, you like sleepy black. What's that?

I don't know that person. Oh, Jesus. I can't vote. So I don't really know. Oh, you can't even vote. No, I got felonies and I don't want to fucking vote. It's too much pressure. Then you got to be responsible for your fucking vote.

I don't have that type of fucking conscience. So if you get a felony, you don't have to vote? Yeah, you can't. Oh, that's awesome. That's ideas. I don't, I, You can't vote and you can't have a fucking gun. That's what they, you know, that's the punishment they give you.

Like, really? So I can't vote. I can't have a fucking gun. I can see not having a gun, but what's voting got to do with it. I was disappointed, but after I thought about voting, I go, you know what? It's too much pressure. It's too much pressure. I don't know how people just vote and move on with their fucking lives.

Voting for me is like gambling. If I would have voted on fucking Obama, I would have been pissed off right now. You follow me. You're in a corner at the fucking movie theater because you voted for fucking Obama. That's what they should do to people. Like if you make a bad vote, you know, you voted for them. Take 50 people out of each neighborhood and throw stones at them. You dumb fucks.

They're all liars. Drown people, drown them. I don't vote. I got in a big fight with my mom and Paul when they were here. I, when there's no popular vote, I think it doesn't matter at all, especially like where I grew up in masks. There's no, if you vote for a Republican, you're throwing away your vote. Yeah.

And then it just, it doesn't make sense that the popular vote is the way it elects people. And then even if it did, they all lie anyways. So I don't, I don't get the point. What would you do? Do you think you would dress like if you were a politician? Do you feel like you, sometimes I think about that, like without fucking totally change the game and we're like, you know, like a wife beat or some crazy boots or something, you know?

Like if you were like, some other thing like, you know, say if you was a governor or something, we'd be like, I'm gonna wear these crazy boots, you know, or I'm gonna wear like a, you know, a fucking dope jacket. If I was a voting American, if I was a voting American, if I really was a voting American, you know, I wouldn't give a fuck about abortion. That's got nothing to do with the price tags. I wouldn't know what you're going to do.

The country's in this state of the country right now. What are you going to do to get us out of this state? Let's go step by step for your two terms. Let's go for the eight years. Yeah. Give me the eight years. How it's going to pan out. What are you going to do the first year?

What are you going to take care of? What's second on the agenda? What's third? Yeah, like a homeless problem? Not fucking really. I guess a ton of fucking problems you got to take in before we worry about the minute little things. Homeless people want to be fucking homeless people.

What do you want me to do? A lot of them are doing fine. A lot of them are doing fine. You see them over here at the end of 134 getting changed, then they walk over to their fucking Corvette. I'm driving a fucking Subaru hustling like a fucking savage taking two planes a fucking week. And these cocksuckers are getting changed,

making 40 grand a year at the end of the 134. You know, listen, man, it's not the point I'm talking about, but that's why I want to know your plan. I want to know your plan step by step by step by step. How it applies to me as an American. I want you to plan it out for fucking people who make $50,000 or less. I want you to tell real people.

Real people. Yeah. You know, and now you were talking about the South and that they're slower and that all that shit. You know what? I like that. Yeah. I like that that's there and the reason why it's there.

There's a reason why a white guy would say that he's going to stop Muslims from coming in right now. And people raise their hands and say, half of them that say, oh, it's cruel or whatever. But the other half are Americans that feel, you know, we got to stop this somewhere. Oh yeah, man. I think you got to shut it down, bro.

I would say if they had walls and you could press the button right now, I'd put them up everywhere. But it's not just, it's not just that. It's, you know, look at the fucking the people, the white dude. You know, it's people who shout out the movie theater. Let's not just blame one fucking show here. We got to find out who's in there.

I just want to know who our neighbors are. We all got to figure this shit out. Who's here? Listen, man, Pete, you said it best yourself. They're building buildings and people moving it out. They just said that these people have a fucking passport duplication. Yeah.

That's crazy. We don't think they're here. We don't think they're here. They're making billions on oil. They have everything. It's just, and I don't know how, because what are they going to do? Are they going to walk, are they going to go around now?

They're here, bro. Knock on your neighbor's doors. Like, hey, we're going to check all the Muslims out. It's not even Muslims, but even just regular people, you know? I don't pay too much attention. If Trump hadn't said the things he said about Hispanics and this stuff about the Muslims, I think a lot more people would be on board.

Yeah. And I actually read an article yesterday that they're predicting that Trump is going to bow out at the end. Just like he did the last time. So maybe he doesn't want too much support. I don't know. Right. But it's just, it's crazy what people say.

And then, yeah, if you lay out a plan, right, what happens when they don't do any of what they said? Yeah. Like, I voted the first time for Obama, and he said, look, the whole thing like 100 days of closed Guantanamo. That was like the first thing he said, and it's coming up on the end, and that's nowhere near being closed. But maybe he didn't know that he couldn't close it.

I don't know. But how do you keep, how do you hold them accountable? You can't. It's great. It's just like. No, let me ask you something. Just for this argument here. Because I don't know nothing about nothing.

I'm a little high there. You guys know? I'm very high here. Okay. I'm just making sure everybody's high. Why was it important to you that they would close Guantanamo? Why is that such a, I'm not arguing with you. I just want to know.

Personally, I have no thoughts on that. But that was just the only thing I could think of right now. Right. Like that was, he said in the 100 days of closed Guantanamo, I'll close it. I don't know if that's good or bad. I'm not sure. Now that people want them to close Guantanamo?

Yeah. Why? Because they're not giving them fair trials. They're just keeping them there. I did comedy there once. Did you? Yeah. For the troops there, you're not the prisoners.

But it was pretty fun. I guess. I mean, I don't know. Not for the, I mean, it's chill in there. The chicks only had like seven chicks. Not even that hot. But some of the guys seemed friendly. And we went swimming and everything.

We had a good time. We had a good time. Now, what made you want to get on stage? My dad was real old when I was born. That's all. How old was he? 70. My dad was 70.

Hold on. Hold on one second. I got to go get the tissue. You shit? Told you better. Oh, that's only shit a little. No, no, no, no. I got to just blow my nose.

But yeah, I wonder what kind of hats I wear, or special pants I wear if I was the president. Bro, are you ever one of that, man? Like American pie pants? Yeah. Yeah, like a little, you know. How's this, how's the pockets? It's going good.

It's going, it's on right now. Huh? I guess. No, no, we could talk. Stream? Yeah, we're streaming right now on YouTube. That's so, that was 70 years old. Yeah.

That's, that's crazy. How was that? How was it? It was pretty nuts, bro. So wait, who's high? You're high? I'm very high. Okay.

Joey's high. Oh yeah, Joey. I'm high. I think most of the people listen. Do I seem super high, you think? No, I thought it was funny when you said like going to do learning. Oh yeah, man.

I get caught up. It's sounding like a fucking retard sometimes. I'm pretty, I'm pretty high though. Like if I think, I'm trying to think, like say to somebody like, say if I wasn't myself and I came up to me. Okay. And I said, it doesn't make any sense.

And I said, Hi. Fuck, what were we talking about? What are we talking about? Yeah. No, it's sometimes I wonder that like, if I was sober watching a high person, would I be able to know they were high?

Dude, I wonder if you came up to yourself, bro, would you even like who you are? Would you be like, look at this bitch right here? Oh, that's deeper than I was thinking. That's, sometimes I think I try to be. Joey, what do you think? Me? Would you like yourself?

Honestly, if you met yourself, dude, being a hundred percent honest. No, I don't even, I hate when I do a movie and I have to go watch it. Or somebody makes me, I'm dreading watching this fucking special. You know, I'm dreading all that shit. I don't want to see me.

I don't want to fucking hear me. I don't want to see my body. I don't want to see my physical. When is it? When is it special? I know we just cut, we just shot something in Vegas. Oh, you did?

How was it? Awesome. It was, but it was, you know, I got to see it, you know, I just went through the motions. I don't fucking know. It's good. I'm really out of high right now.

But it's good. So that's quick. How is that? I don't know. No, I hope it is. So your dad had you, you were 70. Yeah, he was old. When did you get that?

How old was your mom? 32, she was young. Your dad was slinging some dick. He was throwing it out there, man. Now that was his first marriage, no. No, he'd been married a couple, he'd been married one time before, maybe. She had still lines before we talked about it?

No, he'd be old. I'm sorry. That's all right. Appreciate it, man. He'd, he would be almost, he'd be 106, 106 now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know.

You only get 22, so I'm more fucked up. I know you've been around here for 10 years, maybe. So he had you when you were 70. Yeah, he got old, man. And he just, I don't know. And that's what my mom would like when I think about my mom. Like, who would bang like an old golly? That'd be crazy, I feel like.

What, was he like an attractive man? Was he like, yeah, definitely handsome. But he didn't have any money, you know what I'm saying? Like, who kind of thugs it out with an old dude that many times? Let me get back to the old, was your dad when he passed? 86. So he was around till he was 16. God bless you, bro.

Yeah. You got to have him till he was 16. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, man. It was, it was, it was kind of wild having like an old dad because all the time you spent, I was just like a little bunch of like kind of vignettes of like, like he would take me to this bar sometimes with him,

bro. And you know, the lady would give me fucking chocolates, right? And then, I mean, one night the lady, I'm not even joking, kept giving me chocolates. And my dad's like, no, no, no more chocolates for me. And I'd had probably 30, bro. Like, nothing could stop me from eating chocolates, bro. I'd just continue to put chocolates.

If they had chocolates around me, I would just continue to put them into me. And this lady, my dad said, no, no, no. And then the lady took me to the side of the bar a little while later and just gave me fucking time. Like almost like this lady wanted to like poison me or something, you know? So he used to take me to do like weird shit like that.

I don't know. God bless you, bro. No, no, no, no. You fucking know. You fucking know. I lost my father when I was three. I lost my mother when I was 16. So that's crazy.

Yeah. So you know some of the, but right now I had my daughter when I'm 49. Every morning I wake up. I can't lie to none of you guys. I wake up. I put my feet down and go, God, thank you for me. Give me another day to see his little fucking girl.

All I want is enough time just so I can give her the fucking mentality of the church. That's all I need. Let her work it out like I worked it out without my mom. That's the best way to fucking do it. Because I feel like I'm going to die. No, I did blow. Now you're gonna die, man.

You know, God fucking knows. You get shot by one of these fucking monkeys. Who knows? Yeah. But you always, you always, you know, I always, it's amazing that now like I would say, who the fuck would have a kid at 50? Yeah.

Don Johnson had a kid at 52 when I did a movie with him. I'm looking at him going, why would you have a fucking kid? Yeah. That's the most selfish fucking thing in the world. And also I knocked my wife up. So now you're looking to live like you're like, wait a second, you know, I want to live for this child.

Right. But fucking 70. Your dad had balls of steel. Brothers and sisters. Yeah. I got two younger sisters and an older brother. So we got four. Same mom and dad.

Same mom and dad. Yeah. Oh, shit. So you got two younger sisters. Yeah, man. We had a while. It was, yeah, man. It was pretty wild.

I mean, I guess I'm trying to think like more about what it was like. Like I remember like weird shit, I guess. I mean, I don't know. I'm fucking high, man. I remember like my dad would fucking, he let me drop like say, as soon as I was tall enough,

like 11 years, I remember being 11 years old and my dad being like, hey, will you drive me? You know, because he couldn't turn his neck, you know. So like, he's like, hey, will you drive me? And I'm like, yeah, I'll fucking drive you. I'll hit like 510. I'll get a little gross spur when I was 11.

So I think, you know, I was driving my dad places, dude. Like I remember we dropped him at the post office and he said, go around the block and I went around the block and fucking hit like seven cars. But this fucking side of my dad had a cutless, like a Delta 88, you know, like just straight out fucking rig rider, bro. And it was a piece of shit.

It was all banged up and I would just go around the block. And then one time he let me drive him on the interstate. I was doing like 70, 80 miles an hour driving to Hammond and it's probably about like 30 miles and my dad's just fast asleep in the fucking passenger side, son. So those are the fucking good old days, man. What I feel from you a little bit,

like when you tell me the stories, you're happy, you miss them and all that, but all these stories we had to tell sometimes, not that they were weird to tell. Yeah, a little bit. I mean, it's not the normal American family, like me, I have the same family. So I could see that we both share that same little twitch

because as you get older, you'll appreciate those stories more because nobody fucking had a life like that. When you're 11, your dad's like, drive the fucking car. You know, that's cool. We were all begging to drive the car. You're begging to drive the fucking car at that age. That's a good point.

Because it's a small city, you know, cops know each other. You've got pulled over. Oh, that was a chill. 30 fucking years in those days. Yeah. But just the fact that sometimes when your parents give you a lot of trust, it does something to you. It's good and it's bad.

Right. You know, like you had an older dad that he saw life of what it was at 70. And I bet now when you tell those stories, sometimes you're like, ah, should I even say the story? Let me tell you something, Yovan. You have no idea how lucky you are.

You don't know how you have no idea that you had this life because most kids can't even imagine that shit. Right. Most kids have to steal the car at 16. You know, at this, so many good points of growing up, no matter how you grow up, as long as your parents were around. Right.

Just having a life is great. I know it's tough. People get adopted and they get stabbed and they get beat up and shit. You know, I'm very lucky. With my pugs and muppets. Yeah, when my mom died, I didn't have to go into the system. You know, I was old enough to make my own decision.

It's so weird till today. I realized I didn't do paperwork. When my mom died, my friends said, you want to live with us? I'm like, yeah. That was it. I kept going to high school like nothing. I just switched my address and nobody asked any question.

Who's your legal guardian? Me. That was my legal fucking guardian. Me. Those are the fucking days. Yeah, I feel like I feel like kids can't have anything like that anymore. Like all the, I don't know, just this ambiance.

I think before some of the technology we have now, that just made everything fucking dope. And one of the reasons why I wanted to go home with my wife and the baby was because of my paranoia of dying, I wanted to walk my daughter up and down the same streets I walked. My parked the car. I walked up giving her a terrace. I walked down Union Turnpike.

But the best walk we did was in the park where we used to play basketball. Yeah. It was open. I took her in the park and now they replaced the hut. There used to be a hut in there. And one of the most racist things I ever heard, come out of a person's mouth, was in that fucking hut.

That me and everybody in the park looked at each other and just kept fucking shaking on their heads. There used to be a hut there. And the guy's name was Mr. Kennell. His two sons are still alive. Well, the one son's still alive. Nice kid. I always liked Jacky's, isn't it?

This has to be 1975. We're in this park and we're just playing tag. What the fuck you play when you're 11 or 12? There was a basketball court. But in those days, we weren't allowed in the basketball court. The older kids were drunk. Unless they picked you, you couldn't fucking. So we just played whatever in the monkey bars and shit.

Chill. And that hut was there. There was the summertime. And I'll never forget that Mr. Kennell was in that hut. And that was, you know. He's coming in there? No, he was sitting there with a fan on him in this little hut and the window was slight open.

And he's sitting there. He's got his glasses on. Mr. Kennell's got to be 40. Right. And there's eight Spanish kids, 20 Italian kids, you know, six Irish kids, and one fat black girl. Blowing it with a huge, no, no. With a huge Julius Irving Afro.

She's the little kid. Right. She's got to be 10. She's just, she's throwing rocks at the kids. They're all throwing rocks at each other. They're all having a good time. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, one of the white kids spits at Marlowe.

And Marlowe spits back at the white kid. Mr. Kennell sees this. Now we're over here. I don't know what the fuck we're doing. He sees this and he slides open the window and he pops into the window and he goes, Hey, don't let that nigga spit. Get on you.

Right. This is 1975. He goes, that shit will go right through you. And he closed the window and me and the other kids sat there and looked at each other. We had never heard. Like I heard nigga run a Richard Pryor out. Yeah.

Like that was it for him to yell it. That was the most rate. And Marlowe just kept spitting at the white kid. Like nothing happened. Marlowe, give a fuck. Damn, man. That is fucked up. Well, that hut is gone.

My point is the hut and its racism is gone. Right. They had this kid that looked down the street from us named Boogie. And the dad was like a bus driver in our town and he used to cut our hair. Right. And he's a bus driver that cut hair.

Yeah, he was. He was a bus driver that cut hair. And he had a crazy fight. I didn't even think about this. The only hair cut he knew how to give was his own cut. Like the whole, like the style he had. Right. And it was, it was a fucking, it wasn't even a style.

It just looked like shit. Right. So all the boys and most of the girls had the same cut in our town. Man. Everybody looked jacked up. But were we talking about black people? I don't know.

No, no, no. The, the presale that shit, man. The first time I really want to go to New Orleans was when I read about fucking the mafia down there. And how that guy ran the mob and how everybody thought that, that whole Kelly assassination came out in New Orleans. It was also very interesting to me that I saw a movie called

were Richard Gere and Kim Bassenger. Fatal attraction. No. Fatal fucking attraction. That's the chick that shows a pussy. Oh, that's men. I knew it is Sharon Stone. Right.

This is what a Sigourney weaver showed her pussy. Would you look or not? Fuck yeah. With that overall. I see. I love that sexy. No mercy. No mercy.

It was a movie that came out in 1987 about white. 86. 86 about white motherfuckers killing each other in New Orleans. And the guy that was her boyfriend bought her. Bought her. Like that. Yeah.

That was in New Orleans. He bought her from her mama. Right. He raised and they put a woolly out and fucked her. She was beautiful. Kim Bassenger. You imagine buying Kim Bassenger when she's like 13.

Cheaper then. And just feeding her stakes and fucking fattening her up. When she's 18 you give her a stab and you marry her. She don't know no difference. You hide her from the world. What time is it? I have no fucking idea. It's been 1982 for days.

You know what I'm saying? Don't ask. Do you think we all come from incest really when you really think about it? Like we have to. Well, come from fucking Ireland. Oh, then you have to probably have. There's incest.

I know for a fact that my grandmother and my grandfather like third cousins or something like that. So there's got to be. I'm retarded from bloodstream. You know what I'm saying? Something along. I know something happened. My uncle told me for the first time.

He said someone right. No, he told me because you know that your great great grandmother and your great grandfather were like third fucking cousins or something. That's why the maiden name is kind of weird. It's Val Des Malbares or some shit. They just dropped the Malbares or some shit. So it's an island when you come from a fucking island.

There's got to be incest somewhere along the line. I don't think I'd ever do incest, man. Even if I think I had the hottest, hottest family member ever, bro, ever. Think about that, though, dude. What about your cousins? Listen, I don't want to talk about incest on the church. We got fucking boundaries here.

We can't be talking about incest. I was not one of the fuck too. It's okay. There ain't a lot of nobody. I ain't gonna bullshit nobody. You just said we couldn't talk about it. When I was a kid, I had sex with like Puerto Rican cousins. Oh, that's crazy.

Like your families grew up together, but you're not really blood. And then like you guys are cousins or some families in character. You guys should hook up and be a nice wedding. I had sex with a little girl that she wasn't a little girl. She had hair. I didn't. Wow.

First, Evie, Evie was her name and she was older than me by a year. And I used to sleep. Oh, one day she goes, look at it. And I looked at it. I almost fucking died. They had the hair on it. I sniffed it. Dang, you got down there.

I young fella. No, I didn't eat it. I just sniffed it. I think I'm fucking right away. Yeah. That first smell is pretty strong. It's a real. I don't remember.

Well, you got to talk about smells for it's Monday night. I don't know about that. Is it Monday? It's fucking Thursday. What is it? It's Thursday. It's Thursday. At least say it's got to go back to his house.

Stone to the girls. Hope to God. My mom was asleep. Why? She's not going to because look how high I am. Because you probably be fine, man. You should bring her a half a joint. Lee and just tell her how it's going to go down time.

Yeah. He wants to fucking do some crab. My God, you fucking wicked. There's a night you're going to argue with her anyway. Yeah. No, she knows. Bring home a half a bone like that. Savage right in the living room.

Yeah. No, guys, as I was leaving, she's like, do you want me to freeze the food? She made on me a whole bunch of food. Wow. And I was like, you know what? Everything we had tonight just leave it out because I don't want to eat that when I get home.

It's just like the whole like the whole breast. Yeah, the whole breast. Damn. So I I'm trying to think of what I was going to say, man. What were we talking about? What made you jump on a fucking stage? What made you jump on the stage the first time? Oh, yeah.

I don't know, man. I just thought I get to make it. People laugh is the funniest. That was the best thing. Like if you weren't laughing, I was like, what the fuck are we doing? We're just doing all this other shit. And then we wait for it.

Rarely somebody says something funny and we laugh. Like, why don't we do a little bit of the inverse? You know, like we do all this other shit. The best part is when somebody's laughing. We should dad find he was pretty funny, man. Where was he from? He was from Nicaragua, Nicaragua. No wonder.

Oh, Jesus Christ. No wonder he was slinging dick at 70. He should have made when I thought he was a white dude. I was like, OK, he's a crazy. I thought he was like somebody from, uh, you know, like one of those guys in the south. Oh, yeah. Over here.

I'm gonna fuck you right now. I don't give a fuck to get there yet, too. A lot of reptile. A little reptile. Well, now you, now you listen. Filipinos and those Spanish dudes, they got sperm, eggs and that nutsack for their fucking 90. I swear to God.

Oh, they'll start a kid like a magician. Yeah, like those fucking old specs and those fucking Filipinos. Janice, my daughter's godmother. Yeah. Her father had a kid at 74. Yeah. Why don't you just pull out? 40 year old woman, 70 fucking.

Dude, they could do semen into a pond and it would start up at some point, man. They are so. But then I watched that movie with Alec Baldwin, the young chick. Yeah. And he was at a fertility clinic with a bunch of other fucking dudes. They're like 50 or dating 20 year olds.

What is that? It's complicated. Yeah. Yeah, man. I remember. Oh, Puerto Ricans, you were talking that. And they used to say, uh, that's when did you guys. Oh, I was talking about the first Mexican kid we had in our town.

Right. So we had class with the hamsters, right? Going back to that, right? That man, Mr. Blackwell's class, we had the hamsters. They let you keep the hamsters after Superman got killed? No, no, no. That was, yeah. I just mean it was that same time, right?

Everybody would get a different pet. We used to play this game where you would like, somebody would lay down and you would put a snake on their back or a fake snake on their back, right? And you would play guess if I have a snake on my back or not, right? And people would literally bet if they did or what they were going to guess. And then sometimes we would put this game where you,

because they had this one rabbit in there that was always falling asleep. It was like almost, hey, you know, like, uh, whatever rabbit narcolepsy kind of is, you know, where he just drifts off, you know, because it's a rabbit. They're not doing much, you know, and you would set a rabbit on a pile of money. You try to pull the dollars out from under them. And, uh, and without waking them up, that was like the biggest, uh, thing we used to do in class before class. But the problem, but not the problem, but the thing that happened was this Mexican

kid moved in the neck, right? And the first thing he ever said in class, the main was, uh, in science, they also taught you sex ed, right? So like the first day this kid, Nick was in there, it was during the sex ed part and he stands up and he goes, uh, what, he goes, what does pop that cherry mean? He asked him what your teacher like is serious. He's going to be like, what does pop that cherry mean?

And then he, uh, he ended up banging some girl like in sixth grade, right? And, uh, and she broke up with him, broke his heart and he started to like rap music and he wore this t-shirt that said Nick the rapper that he wrote on it with a marker, right? But he only put one P in it and it said Nick the Raper on it, the fucking shirt that he wore. And they fucking expelled him. They expelled him. That's racism. Uh, I guess he was Mexican, but see, Mexican didn't play a part in it.

He was a bad speller and he fucking was asking stupid questions. What does pop that cherry mean? Pop that cherry. I'm not saying you don't hear that anymore, dude. Never hear that. Never hear that shit. I bet her cherry's been popped. You could tell if you look at her, watch how she walks.

I never, I never popped anyone's cherry. You didn't? No. You're still out there though. Man, you married? Nah, almost. Nah, you're not, bro. You'll get a little bit of fucking trim that's never been anywhere.

I don't know. That's a little pressure. Dude, I'll tell you this, buddy of mine. Okay. First time my buddy got some trim, right? We were at this dance and my buddy ended up, you know, touching this gals with John after the deal, after the dance. And we all were sitting around this fire at his house later.

And so he's like, you know, telling everybody what happened. And my buddy's dad came out, right? And heard it and kept smelling my buddy's fingers. They were always standing up by the fire, dude. For probably like 40 minutes. Is that fucking nuts? I'm telling you, would that be easy? Yeah.

Oh, you be rubbing your pants? What are you doing? Gnarly, right? And then the same night, bro, I was sleeping this guy's room and he had a bunch of pets stacked up along the walls because he loved all kinds of pets. And we're five of us sharing a bed, right? And all night, bro, I can't sleep, right?

Because I'm scared of all these animals, bro. I'm scared of all these animals, bro. And I can't sleep, right? And so I'm just thankful that this dog keeps barking, man. I'm so high. That this dog, I'm just thankful that this dog outside the window keeps barking. I'm like, because I'm awake, I can't sleep, right?

All the other four kids and it's better asleep. And you can just hear these pets moving in her cages. And he had a big ceiling fan in the middle of the room that was spinning, right? So it's like whirling up all these pets, right? And even though we can sleep, it's keeping them awake. Because you got to think, a ceiling fan for a pet, that's got to be like, you know, a fucking tornado

going off constantly, right? We don't think about that, you know? So I'm fucking laying in the bed. Thankfully, this dog barks every now and then it keeps me company, right? Even though it's outside. And then you hear boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. My buddy's dad walked out there, killed the dog, right?

Outside the fucking window, boom, went back to sleep, dude. Same dude that hours earlier have been smelling a young man's hand, man. Same man. And that's what blew my mind about the world. Like, how could at one moment a guy be so gentle? That is a monster. Yeah, and then seven hours later,

be blowing up fricking animals head open because it was barking, you know? You have an animal in the woods, bro. It's going to bark. You know how much woods is out there? You know, he probably hears everything. They said they can hear everything. Imagine you're in six times something.

You'd fucking be angry. You know, your neighbor, you know, four houses over. I don't know, man. I'm high, bro. For if you talk about incest and you got to talk about killing dogs, you got to bring me down. Sorry, man. I'm not bringing you down.

I'm bringing that down. It's fucking hot dog. I'm sorry. Since Lee told me his girlfriend don't do laundry. Oh, damn. I haven't been fucking depressed. What? How are you going to get the laundry done, dude?

She doesn't live with me. Why would you do my laundry? I do my laundry. I just break it to the second. Bro, if you're really in love with it, you should fucking leave a load over there when you go back two days later, see if it's clean or not.

Her mom would do it. That's what it's love. No, but the thing is, she still loves her little mom. Her mom would do it. Oh, wow. Her mom has offered her. Fuck you. Bring her over there.

Follow me on these post-star channel. Is her mom married to a brother or not? Have you ever had a partner? No. She's married again. Have you ever had a partner? Who's Arthur? Who's Arthur?

No, no way. Starts him underwear? No, that's a man. That's uncomfortable. Why would you want to start? Fucking tremendous. Make you feel like an adult. Soft.

Yeah. Shit. Makes you feel like you have a checkbook. You know? It makes you fucking feel good. That's what I miss, bro. Look at fucking Lee. You got to go into the house now.

How you going to act? Nick the Rapper. Not good. Nick the Rapper and shit. So what was the first place you got on stage? This place is called Brown. This place is called Brown in down in Louisiana. It was a bar down there.

And then I went on this thing called Semester at Sea, which was like a university, like a floating school that goes like, you literally circumnavigate the globe when I was in college. And they had an open mic on there. And they had a senior passenger on our cruise ship that had died, right? So they was keeping him in the freezer, right? So I just made some jokes about, you know, like different, like, you know, cold cuts and shit.

You know, like this sandwich tastes like berry, you know? And just vague shit like that. And kids, you know, kids were kind of laughing. And so then I got up and they had like an open mic thing on there. And I got up on there and it was pretty, it was fun. You know, joking. For a nice looking kid, you're a dark dude. And I like that about you on stage or you take people in a weird direction.

And I look at you like, oh, this fucking kid, you know, I trust him with my fucking animals. Thanks, man. Well, not that one. You shoot the fucking dogs and you're fucking inside. Well, a couple of brothers beat that animal up. I never did that super, super man. I never did that.

That was, you know, to be honest, a couple of brothers. I killed the fucking rat a couple of times. I actually backed over a deer once with a fucking lawn mower. We're really going to share stories. I swear to God, man, it was a big bushhog. And I used to work on this farm in the summer times, right? And this man let me cut the grass with a huge bushhog. So one day I'm just cutting and I backed around to turn it around in a fucking

deer, man, ran over a deer with it. Actually ended up killing a deer. Damn, it's just dark. A deer jumped at my car once. There you go. You killed it? No, it went away. You probably killed it though.

No. Did you hit it? Yeah, but I was going like 20 miles an hour. You hit it and that's 20 miles an hour talking how fast it is. Well, yeah, that's true. So I had a dog in Wilshire. Oh, no. 10 years ago, coming home, not stoned,

minding my own business. Wow. Doing the speed limit. You know, you're on fucking Wilshire Boulevard. Yeah. You don't know. I wasn't even on Wilshire. I was on that block that you cut from Olympic all the way up to Sunset.

But uh, Vermont, Vermont, one of those that are a deep one and all of a sudden fucking a dog. I didn't hit him straight up. He ran into my car and he bounced off my car and got into more shock and he was limping and cars were going around him and I pulled over and tried to get him. But he, he ran that motherfucker. Once you hit him, they fucking run. Yeah, they run.

You feel terrible. I mean, you feel fucking horrible. Whether it's a squirrel or whatever. You feel fucking terrible. Yeah. But, but I'm not happy. No accidents happen. I had a great time looking at your cats.

I had a great time watching your cats the past week. Thank you very much. It was so much fun. My cats are good fucking animals, man. Yeah. I never had a cat, man. Really? You had dogs?

I'm ready. Yeah, you're ready. No. We didn't have a dog. When I'm thinking about getting a dog, I've been thinking about it. I'm still considering it. If I didn't have as many allergies as I do, I'd get cats because like it was funny. Like they have like little setups.

Like Roy would sit right at the edge of your kitchen and wait for somebody and like attack them. I was like, get by. Glorious. I'm like, I would pause the TV and just start watching them. And Demi runs into her castle. So Demi will go fuck with somebody else. Somebody else will swat them.

He'll give them a look and go fuck you. And also then walk right into Gray and Grail hit him with three quick rights to the head. And he'll go fuck you dirty bitch. And then he'll go in the kitchen like, no, shit. Bitches are crazy and shit. It's a show to watch animals, whether they're dogs or cats, especially at night when you have one or two or three of them. They grow up crazy for the ham chew and stop meowing.

They should have a cat. Like, uh, did they have like a streaming cat channel? We can just watch cats whenever you want. We should get you, oh, that's what we should do. We should get like an iPad and like put it up and like periscope the cats. Yeah. That's what I want to do. You should start a cat town dude and dress them up like different fucking ethnicities.

So when they show up and interact, you could like, it's almost like a game of risk. I don't like when people dress up. They're fucking dogs and shit. Yeah. I don't know why they do that. This is a huge industry. There's no dog that wants to have a fucking tuxedo one. Oh, they had a kid off in our town and this is no correlation, but that had really bad.

Like kind of, I don't think it was down syndrome, but something pretty close. And his mom would dress him up constantly. Like dress him up like, like almost like costumes all the time. He's in a pirate costume like this week. Like his mom, like he was like, like it was always Halloween or something for him, you know? You're a crazy young man. That's why I love him. Like some shout outs.

He's like, yeah, he's a panther, you know? I want to give a shout out. Happy anniversary to Tina and Jimmy Joe, Aiden Diaz, Jesse Bryant, Peter Mandibar, Jim Jorgensen, Paul Lynch, Jack Bratcher, what's happening? You bad MMA motherfucker and my man Henry Solari. You better show up to class this week, cocksucker. And Dustin's a wacky. Just had a baby.

Dustin's a wacky. Have a baby. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of fucking things going on in the church fucking world. Good energy. Oh, and one quick thing. Steve Simone is doing a GoFundMe.

Do you hear about that? I heard that. Something like that. He's doing, he, there's a bunch of great, uh, he's doing great things for a couple of families and kids and wants to do more for people at Children's Hospital in LA. So Bill Burr retweeted it and I'll tweet it tonight. It's just, he's, uh, giving some kids who have some pretty terrible

diseases, like some happy times on certain holidays. That's awesome. Steve Simone's a good fucking great heart, man. He's over there giving blood, bringing sandwiches. He plays with the kids. And listen, man, it means the world of people when you visit. Yeah. He's exceptional, man.

That guy's got a million hearts, bro. Good dude. You know what? It's really weird. We live in a place where people do weird things, you know, like people do weird things to get attention. Yeah. And if you know anything about Steve Simone,

he does everything from the heart. Yeah. With good intentions, you know, 100%. He's, uh, he's one of those dudes that's in LA that you're happy to be his friend. He keeps you grounded. Yeah. Yeah. Especially if you come from a society that's not

selling their fucking blood in this town to get ahead. You know what I'm saying? Like there's people in this town that you know where they are. They come up here, they talk to you, they don't give a fuck about you, man. Yeah. When you start making money all of a sudden, you're the best thing in the world. And they're there with their hand out telling you how they helped you.

We always believed in you. You know, where were you when I was living in that one bedroom apartment and you wouldn't take my call. Yeah. But you have to put it all into perspective. But there's a, there's a certain element in this town that you look at. And when the coke finishes, they're going to be and then there's a certain element in this town that when the coke finishes,

that's when they become your friend. Right. Steve Simone is one of those dudes. Yeah. It's really a, he brightens your day. He does. He had lunch with me and my mom yesterday. Oh, he did?

We went to Domingos. Unbelievable. He has a lot of old school values that you look at. We went to eat last week. We got to, we got to New York Thursday night. We didn't do much. We got to New York about five. Then Friday we started our fucking joint.

And Friday night we went to Rudy's. Did you ever go to Rudy's with me? Yeah. I'm on a replace and stuff. It's been there since 19, fucking 70. And when I was in high school, he used to serve me and they have squid. And that's what they're known for, statewide. Like people go in there.

Rudy's squid. They have Rudy's squid. Yeah. Muscles with red sauce. Oh, like that. He got mad at me because I was too nervous to buy so many expenses. So I got ravioli. Oh, and it was still delicious.

It was amazing. It was amazing. Everything there is amazing. But we're eating and my, I could see some, my wife and I asked her, what's going on? And she goes, you know, I don't see this in LA. Like people are having a conversation. Nobody's looking at their phone.

Guess what happened last week, guys? You ready for this? A girl who I fuck with on Facebook. Hi, how are you? She was sitting at the table next to us. Me and my wife sat there and I go, Terry, this girl on the table over here on this date. I fuck with her on Facebook. Watch this.

When she went to the bathroom, she came back and she was like, oh my God. I saw a post that you were in a park with the baby. I didn't know you were in Clifton. It was fucking amazing. Like, what are the chances? Clifton? Clifside. Clifside Park is where this place is at.

And then I saw somebody, you don't love this story. Then I saw this girl Joyce and I saw her and I go, what's happening? And she goes, oh my God, how are you? And the guy she was with, like I knew her 30. Years ago when she was married, but they break up and now she's dating a kid named Mikey Moore. That was one of those kids in the neighborhood that you always bumped into two in the morning. Right. Like, if you bumped into Mikey Moore, you were out to something.

Right. Mikey Moore had a few bumps. He knew where there was a few bumps. He might have a valium, but he was always solid. Like, Mikey Moore is solid, but he had a lot of claim to fans. Like, Mikey Moore was one of those guys that people underrated. Yeah. And he'd light some motherfuckers up at the time.

Like one time we robbed a Chinese restaurant delivery guy. We just took his fucking card. First of all, we called the delivery to the park. You show up at the park. How do you say that to deliver to the park? You fucking believe that. That's great. This is delivered to eight.

They deliver it to next to the park. And when the guy came, we fucking bum rushed. We took the car, but listen to this. Mikey Moore delivered the Chinese food. We kept the chain and came back and gave me a little taste of the pig. You understand me? After he dumped the fucking car, cleaned it off of Prince. The guy got hit in the head with like a bowling pin.

Rob, somebody put a bowling pin. Can you fucking believe that? That's gags. No, it was next to this park. This place, this, this North Bergen is known for all these little parks, like 51st Street Park and each park had a different personality, a different person represented that park. Like 64th Street Field, they were deep into fucking drugs and bulls and fucking ACDC

and fucking music. And, and they fought and, you know, they played football. They were heads, but they fucking fought. You know, 88th Street had more of a little, that, that park had a couple dabblings of heroin up there. No, no, there was no artsy there, dog. You know, I was telling somebody, my neighborhood stores were the Spick Store and the Chink Store.

The Dragon Grocery was owned by a Chinese Cuban guy and that was the Chink Store. And the Cuban place was the Spick Store. And that was our artsy. That was, there was no art district. It was the Chink Neighborhood, the Black Neighborhood, the fucking Spick Neighborhood. It's hilarious. Yeah, that's it, man. And the South is just like that.

Black and white, you know, it's just black and white though. That's the crazy thing in our town is just black and white. That's what I would love about maybe like New York and New Jersey. We could have so many types of people around there. That must have been awesome. So what made you wake up and say Los Angeles? Anybody call you? Yeah, I had a buddy actually.

I had a buddy who was like, come help me move, right? He lived out in San Francisco. So I was like, all right. I know he's like, come out and hang out with me one weekend. So I got a plane ticket, came out to meet him, right? When I get there, he's like, I'm moving. And I'm like, what the fuck? Do you know how it's coming in this weekend, right?

He's like, nah, man, I'm moving down to LA. And so I just went with him. And then I just stayed for a while back and forth and stayed. It gets you, bro. It's kind of like this thing here. I don't think I'll stay forever. You miss Louisiana? Oh, I miss it every day, man.

Really? It's still 10 years here. How many times a year you go back? Yeah, probably four times a year. Two planes to go back? One plane to go back. And you drive the 40 miles? Yeah, then I drive.

Just get a rental car. I got nieces and nephews now. I actually had a niece who was just born, like less than 25 hours ago, a little girl. Graduation. Thanks, man. Yeah, I'm pretty excited. Stella Blue, that's her name.

But yeah, it's a chill place, man. Good family. Good to go home, you know. I love going home. I had you on the show for a reason, Theo. Well, I just don't put the fucking anybody from the store on the show or anybody like that. I like your work ethic.

You know, I think you're a solid guy. When I got to the store, I noticed something. That the older guys were dicks. Yeah. They were real dicks. First week at the store, I got to a first fight. Did you really? First week, dog.

This last time back? No, no, no, no, no, no. 1990 fucking seven. Oh, okay. I get past February fucking 19th. Wow. Like February 24th. I'm already in a pushing match slash fista cups

in front of the commie store. What saves me is Mitzi's getting out of her car. And she goes, what's going on, guys? And she sees me. She sees the other guy on the floor. And she looks at me and she smiles. So she knew what time it was. First week is a regular here.

I don't fuck around. All right. So I had, I thought about you today. And I thought about why I was having you on. And I look at a lot of the guys at the commie store. I give the utmost respect because for me to be a better comic, I have to be a better gentleman to you young guys. What makes me, what makes me a great fucking comic

is the love I give to you young guys. Not what I can pass on. I can't pass on none to you, but addiction and chlamydia. And a bad fucking fungi toe. What you could learn from me is what I didn't do or what didn't do, but the love I give you guys is the better I get as a comedian. And I know this because those guys that used to

fucking hate on me, they're gone. They're gone. I don't even think Facebook selects them on. Right. They're gone. You know, they're gone. And they were miserable at the end. They sat there and they sneered instead of sitting there

and being supportive and bringing that young guy a hug. I don't go on stage. I go on stage to do my mother fucking act fee over. Right. And when I see you back there, you have my utmost respect because you could have canceled or faked an injury or done whatever. And you go back there and you fucking go up there and

go give it for Joey and you fucking bang it out. I've watched it. Yeah. Don't think I don't watch it. Yeah. So I want you to understand where I'm fucking coming from. Dog, I got into a beef. I remember one time we feel wrong.

What the fuck would you do if I said coming to the stage? There's nothing good to say about this guy. See over on what would you do to me on stage? You know, I didn't do anything. I didn't do. I think I didn't want to go at that realm, even at that youth and comedy, even as crazy and coked up the fucking Indian as I was something at that moment.

But to this day, I hate that guy and I don't see him ever again. Damn. I won't. And it was another store comic? Another store comic. Yeah. Like those older guys, I was there the night with this older comic went at Joe Rogan on the main.

He brought Joe up and he insulted Joe and Joe said, and they had to stop the show. They were going to duke it out in the fucking main room. Over what? Over the intro the guy gave. It was listen, man, the guy moved to town a year later. He's making 30 grand. You're here 20 fucking years still getting the 1240 spot in

the main room once a month. What are you going to fucking feel like? And all of a sudden this young kid comes that's dirty and he's on an NBC show. Meanwhile, they've been telling you to fucking work clean, get a trumpet and, uh, you know, and all of a sudden this young kid comes along and I learned from instead of hate on the young guys, I learned from you fucking guy.

You guys keep me current. I sit there some times and fucking and I'm talking about not Sebastian's right. Ashing to establish those brothers established. I'm talking about you and Santini's and the fucking other guys and these are all young guys. Those people after midnight. I've been there.

Yeah. I fucking been there where it's 12 fucking 45 and everybody went over and now it's 110. Yeah. You got a 1015 at ABC. Yeah. You follow me and you are going fuck, but you stay. So the only way for me to become better is to be, listen.

If I want to be a mentor, I go back to prison and help momos get their GPs. Okay. I can't mentor nobody. I'm not here to mentor nobody. I'm not going to lie to you. Sit here and give you notes. I mean, who the fuck am I to give you fucking notes?

These comics, I don't fucking mind if you know. All I can do is hug you and go, you're a bad motherfucker. Keep fucking these motherfuckers up. Yeah. That's all you could do. And I think you become, I learned this the last two years at the store. Really?

Because I've become a better comic because I'm sitting there. I went to the, you know, I would go out and see these young comics and they would inspire me. Yeah. When you get an older, you see these young guys and you're like, God damn, I got to pick my motherfucking game up. That's a good attitude, man. You got to go back to training camp.

These young motherfuckers ain't fucking around. And then I backtrack. I go home and smoke a joint. Like, ah, I remember when Joey Diaz used to dye his tees, whatever, dye his eyes and you know what I'm saying? And top his teeth. Dude, man, that's, I, do you, that's fucking just crap. I mean, I don't even know, man.

It's nuts. So always remember, like, I don't know what to say. I mean, that, that, that store is our fucking home. If you could go back in time though, Joey, starting to interview you, if you go back in time, do you think were you the same way a long time ago or you say you just feel like you learned this really now? Like, do you feel like you were always like that?

Because sometimes I feel like it's hard to get the negative shit out of your head in this town, you know? I had nothing going on. Why would somebody hate on me? I wasn't good looking. I was long in the tooth. I had nothing. I had no agent.

I had nothing going on. The only person who gave me any fucking love was Mitchie Shaw. That was it. And these old guys would sit there. They'd get there at five after nine. See, even if they didn't have a spot, they'd sit there and they'd sign up for that fucking list. And they'd lurk all night.

Wow. And when you pulled up, you could see like the old six one go, fuck. You know, like they would beg for you not to show up. So they could do that 15 minutes and get that glory for those 15 minutes. They would show their soul. They would wish a heart attack on you.

So you could get up and do your 50. You know, it was just a horrible feeling. You know what I'm saying? I remember I had surgery. One of the reasons I stopped going to the store was I had a fat ball in my neck. And it kept getting bigger. Every time I got excited, it was the funniest thing.

It would come out of here. And it was just throb out of my fucking neck. It was a fat ball. And I finally got the balls and I went down and it wasn't cancer. It was just a fat ball. And the doctor had to slice my neck and stick his hand down and take this fat ball out.

And he showed it to me in the jar. I'll never forget what the first thing I thought when I looked at that fat ball. I thought about all the people that came up to me at the store. I don't know why, man. Right there in that operating table. When I'm coming out of my anesthesia and talking to my wife, he comes over.

He goes, you want to see the fat ball? We took out. And when he showed it to me, first thing I thought about was all the people at the store that shake your hand. You turn around and like, fuck him. You know, I thought about all those people. Hey, congratulations on Spider-Man 2.

Fucking cokehead. Right. And you feel it. You know who's not in your team. Yeah. And you go home and 20 years ago, I would come down off my coke and actually go to their house and knock on their door and say, what the fuck was your problem last night?

Yeah. But as I got older, I thought about... Damn. I thought about why would they act that way. I can't lie to you. When I got here, guys, I was jealous of people from 97 to like 98 and a half. And I figured it out. If I stopped being jealous, I could take that energy and do something good with it.

Yeah. You were jealous of what they got? That energy. It's basically adjusting that energy. It's not a jealousy of a specific human being. It was a jealousy of how to deal. How the fuck did you get innovative? I was in the belly room one night, 1130, and the fucking guy came up to me.

What the fuck are you talking about? I'm here all the fucking time and nobody says boo to me. You're here at the fucking belly room on a Sunday and innovative. That's fucking the world to you. That's what you're fucking trying to tell me. How did you get real staying gray? I was in the main room on a Tuesday night. I did a spot during the black show.

What are you talking about? Yeah. And here I am all the time. So it's that type of jealousy. Okay. How he had an agent and I didn't. Meanwhile, I was getting spots at the improv, the store, and the lab life. Wow.

You know, three months in, I was already on the floor. Dude, that's amazing. Yeah, because I knew Gilbert Esquivel. So he put me up Mondays at the lab factory. The improv life, man, I was a regular at the store. But that's all I had going on. Right. So I couldn't figure out the hostility of these older comics.

And it was like you dealt with three or four of them from Tuesday to Thursday. Then on the weekends, they disappear and do whatever fucking shit they did. And then you dealt with another handful of them. And Charlie Hill was a good guy. Alan Stevens was a great Alan Stevens got me on fucking Arliss opposite James Colburn. Yeah. He saw me at the store and he's like,

Oh, I got a role for you. It's coming up. Trust me. And also they called me. They gave me the fucking role. Charlie Hill was an Indian guy. I don't forget him pulling me aside and going, Listen, you gave you, baby, you gave me belly labs.

Keep doing what you're doing. Right. You know, don't get me wrong. There was two or three of them that were gentlemen, but there was kind of them that were just there to watch you fucking fail. So they could talk about you. So that's why I give you guys all the respect. That's why I wanted to thank you man.

I appreciate that. Someday when you get older and young guys will be there, I'll do that. You're going to go, You know what, man, I'm going to give these young guys the respect because I know what they go from a daily life. Yeah. You got a bunch of nose, man. So sometimes an older guy comes up to you and says,

Dick, yeah, get up tomorrow morning. Like if a lot of me ticketing your pocket, watch what happens, bitch. I've never heard of these motherfuckers. What up, Lee? Lee San Diego, the 17th is already sold out. So what they're going to add in the second show, you're going to be up in the mountains, giving mom of the high hard one up in fucking Utah,

baby, give a mama to my minkia juice. What dates you got coming up, my brother? I got coming up. I got Pittsburgh. I got Boston, the 17th and 18th of this month, December. Sorry, I'm a little high. Laugh Boston. I got Laugh Boston.

That's a great club. Yeah. Laugh Boston, the 18th and 19th, actually, I think it is. Don't forget to go to and tell them Lee San Diego, 10% off you. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, it's a great.

Yeah, done. I've heard of it. I worked there for two years. And then I got Pittsburgh, January 6th through 8th, I think it is. You got a Netflix special. Yeah, 8th through 11th, 6th through 10th in Pittsburgh, something like that. Which I'm proud of you because you got to shoot in your state. Thanks again to the Netflix special.

Representing like a mother fucker. New Orleans, baby, holding down the South. Trying to, man. It was awesome. And I had, I never felt so much love and support from my hometown and all the people I grew up with that just came out to fucking. It just like blew my mind, man. Like it was like kind of like validated, like all the fucking negative thoughts you have

when you're a kid, you know, it's like, oh man, maybe these people like thought I was an okay person, you know. I don't know. How old were you the first time you left Covington to go to New Orleans and adventure by yourself without the parents to get you dick sucked? Oh, 15. Did you get your dick sucked? Yeah.

Like I'm a dick sucked. Wasn't great, but I'm lightly sucked pretty much by this girl. When you were 15, you were already a man. No, no, no, no, no. I was just, but you, you know, you. I was getting out there. You were getting, but I'm talking, what was your mentality like? Having an older dad, having.

Oh, I knew what was very aware. Okay. Very aware. And you were more aware than the kids your age. You just didn't say nothing because you have to say why you knew these things. Yeah. And then you seem weird. I feel like you can try to like explain yourself.

You've always felt a little out of, that's the way I've always felt. Yeah. So I've always felt a little, yeah, I've always felt pretty. And as you get older, you talk about it, but you're still twitches. Like I couldn't tell these stories 15 years ago. Yeah. There's no fucking way. Well, dude, watching guys like you as fucking inspires like guys like me so much,

man, because it's like, you just say whatever. Like I'll literally after seeing one of your sets, I'm like, how is he? I just, to get to that spot in your life, you can just be so open about shit. That's, it's unreal, man. It's cool. It's inspiring. So thanks, man. Thanks.

Thanks for what you do. I don't understand you work hard. You come out here, you develop, and all of a sudden you get something that goes, you know, Theo, I really like your Southern style, but I really like you free to do a more family show like a pitch. Yeah. And then you go to Lee on the side and go, Hey, Lee, man, you're a pretty good writer. Hook me up in the afternoons and let's write together.

Yeah. And you write this act that isn't you. Yeah. And oh, it'd be tough, man. Do you understand? I can't even imagine. Can you understand what I'm trying to say to you? So I, when I got here, I was so desperate.

There was times I didn't have a voice. Yeah. I'm not going to lie to anybody. Oh yeah. Every comedian goes through that. Right. Where you come here and they confuse you a little bit. Yeah.

Because you thought you had the goods, but now you start hearing things. And it's like Rhonda Rousey right now. Rhonda Rousey is not in hell because she got knocked out. Right. Rhonda Rousey doesn't know where the drawing board, where the start. Right. So it's the same thing for comics. Like you don't know, you get the wind knocked out of you.

It's, it's, I don't even know what the fuck I was doing. It happens, man. It's intense. No worries. I have to, I've texted a person I was going to meet at nine right now and just let them know that I'm fucking. Let me do the fucking sponsors here and we'll get you the fuck out of here. No, I don't mean that.

I don't want to go. I'm just saying. Don't worry about it. We're going to get the fuck out of here. We're going to a Jiu-Jitsu party. Joey, he's going to do a couple of back flips like circus, DCLA. Oh, I'll watch that shit, dude. I'll watch that shit.

The only thing I got is I have my Netflix special coming out at the end of February. So check it out. It's called no offense. And, uh, and thanks for the love, man. Thanks for having me on too. Hey, man, you know, I love you to death. Like I said, I love all these young guys. I like watching it and all my friends love you, man.

And I go home at nine. I think about like a while, you know, it's nice. I could talk to all those younger guys. It's nice that they don't treat me like I'm lurking. That's why I go to the store. Yeah. I go to my Subot and I leave. Oh, dude, you have a max of horseback.

Because I don't want to be like the old guy. Look at fucking Joey Diaz smoking power. Young kid. I'm not ashamed of myself. I am probably ashamed of myself. It's you. You know, I shouldn't. I'm like a grandpa.

I should be at home fucking mending a sweater, rubbing Lee's feet in the future. Do you ever rub my feet? Whatever. If I was your grandpa, you know me. I'm a dirty grandpa. Anyway, let's talk about fucking underwear. All right. It needs to be comfy, snug and all the right places.

It needs to look good and feel good. I mean, that's still, you know, you just don't want to wear underwear. That's comfy. You want the world's most comfortable underwear. And that's me on these playing in fucking simple. Okay. I love me on these. You know why?

Because it's got Moldow. Every pair of me on these is made of micro Moldow fabric, which doesn't sound sexy right now. But once you feel your me on these, you'll never go back to wearing regular underwear ever, ever, ever again. When I go to jiu-jitsu, I go to a gym now. That's all I wear. Yeah.

Because I want my nutsack to pop up. Yeah. I got that old man syndrome. Me on these. It keeps them tight, warm. They pulls the sweat away from your skin, your moisture. I've been in a position one time when I had the knee surgery. I had the same underwear.

I was 18 hours. Oh, that's a good feeling. That night I went to take my underwear off. I thought my nut sack was going to smell and be moist. It was fresh. That's when I got sold on me on these when I had the fucking surgery. So let me tell you something. With me on these, you'll feel more comfortable than ever before.

Plus that me on these has a ton of different colors to choose from. It's the only place you're going to find the same styles for him and for her. And they got a new signature design every month. They also just launched a new boxer line. It's like we're in nothing at all, only better. And with the holidays around the corner, me on these makes a perfect gift. I think it's a little too late right now.

But you know what? Fuck it. Give it to him a little late before new years. You know, you never see the motherfuckers on the 25th anyway. Agreed. All right. So do me a favor. These are not your parents stocking stuff.

But who cares? Get them a pair anyway. Your dad needs some action. Everybody needs me on these. I don't care how old you are. Everybody needs a pair of me on these. I want some. So go to me on these.com right now slash joey.

And you're going to get 20% off your first order. Plus all orders in the U.S. and Canada. Tell them Lee, they shipped for free. Always. Me on these even has a money back guarantee. If you don't love your first pair, you get to keep them and you get the full refund. Bam.

Plus the tax. That means you have nothing to lose. Okay. What's today's date? December 10th. Boom. So if you order me on these before December 13th, your me on these will be arrive on time for Christmas.

Planned and fucking simple. That means you got till back Sunday to order me on these. Go to me on these right now and get 20% off your first order on the world's most comfortable fucking underwear. Head to head with any other pair on the way. Let's go to me on these.com slash joey right now.

That's me on these.com slash joey right now. I got the fucking leopard one with the sabotage. What's that with the with the swirl? I love those are my favorite ones. The black ones are a little too tight. Then they sent me these long pants. I cut those into underwear. That's the best investment I've ever made.

We done that. I took it to the Armenian fucking. So she sold them down. They're like loose boxes. You have no idea how comfortable me on these is. Go to me on these.com right now and get slash joey and get 20% off your first order and free shipping in US.

What is going on with you today? I had a cough drop, but it got like super strong. I don't know if it's because of high MRP. A cough drop. Yeah. Is your mom going to be fucking pissed, bro? It's going to be interesting. I'm praying to God she's asleep.

Piss off this. You have to, you got a periscope that dude. Yeah, periscope. Your mom coming in and her yelling at you. Looking at your eyeballs. Where are your eyeballs, Lee? You know why you're eyeball. Stop and get some viziness for this squad.

So you don't look so fucking obvious. Cocksuck. Anyway, my favorite people in the world, especially now over the holidays. Let me tell you something. There's no better gift than the gift to honnit. Honnit's got, listen, alpha brain, 100% money back guarantee, shroom tech sport, shroom tech immune,

hemp thoughts, protein, kettlebells, weights, weighted vest, I mean, listen, I can't sit here and tell you all the great products they got. Do me a favor. Go to honnit.com right now and press in. Sure. Boom. And get 10% off your first order.

Me, I'm a hemp protein, cocoa type of dude. And I also like the shroom tech sport before I go to jujitsu. I'm still out of shape. I'm still a fat fuck. But at least I go. I want to congratulate my brother, Lee, for taking third place in the fucking John

Jack Christmas tournament. What we're talking about, honnit. He didn't take shroom tech. Not even taking first place. Anyway, back to motherfucking. All right. Here we go. Listen, for all you magazine readers,

let me tell you what I got for you guys for the holidays. All right. Two words, one word. Texture.com. All right. Texture.com will get, listen, all I know is magazines are paying the ass.

Here we go to People Magazine. It says it got a story in there. And you got to go through the pages. Texture cuts that in half. Texture's the app that gives you all access past to the world's best magazines right on your phone or tablet. You get to browse hundreds of magazines

and cherry-pick the articles that interest you the most. The Texture editorial team recommends stories for you daily plus their curated collections let you dive deeper into the topics that interest you. Sign up for Texture right now in a mere second. Second, you're going to gain inside access to the very best reads plus exclusive content. With the full access to the top magazines

just about every interest. Texture is the one present that they'll open again and again. Let me tell you the magazines you got on Texture. All right. You got Bloomberg Markets, Bloomberg Business Week, Money Sense, Runners World, Rolling Stones, 17, Siempe Mujer, you've got Vanity Fair, Woman's Day,

The New Yorker, Towns, Today's Parents, Surfer, Teen Vogue, The Hollywood Reporter. I could go on for an hour all the magazines they got. The best thing is Texture is offering my listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash Joey. Even better, give Texture as a gift between now and December 31st. Think about it.

You'll gain unrestricted access to the world's best magazines from back issues to the one on newsstands today. Order this fantastic gift for your loved one before December 31st. Try Texture for free right now when you go to texture.com slash Joey. Listen man, you're going to fly. You want to read certain magazines.

You're downloading before you go on the flight. You pop open your tab and there's your fucking articles that you want to read right now. Everything you want to read. Everything you read right in front of you. Plus it gets deeper. It goes to certain articles, other articles that might interest you.

But listen, do me a favor. The only way you're going to know for sure is go to texture.com slash Joey and order right now. You're going to get a free trial when you go to texture.com slash Joey. You can download articles from the whole issues for offline reading. Plus you can share your subscription

with the entire family, right? That's on what's there for you. So that means it's basically a gift for you if you think about it. I like it. Then you share the subscription with your entire family. So then you get to see the magazines.

And let me tell you what else I got for you guys because I'm giving you all the action I got before the holiday. So you don't go Joey. What the fuck? You don't tell me what you got. It's the holiday season. You don't know, you show up at these fucking places.

You don't know what to buy these fucking people. Yeah. You know, like right now I'm going to give cards or whatever at least hatches his head. Hats. You don't know what to give people. I got the fucking answer for your questions. And it's cheap too.

And it gets delivered right to your door. You ready for this? I know what it is. Club W. Yeah. Like Joey, what the hell is Club W? Club W is a, is a, is a, what do they call it? Wine?

What do they call it? It's a wine club. Wine subscription. But it's a wine subscription. But it's something, it's the great to glass wine revolution. What that means is, let me break it down for you even better. For 9,000 years people have been making wine.

That's how long people have been confused about which wine to drink. Red, white, chardonnay, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. You get a headache after they drink the wine. But for many of us it's the shopping that causes the real headache. So many choices, what to learn. They're chewing chicken. They got beef.

And there's no guarantee you even like what you buy. All right. Let me tell you something. It's tough getting a bottle of wine, especially on the holidays. You got to stop, park, do this, ba, ba, ba, ba. I hate all that stuff. This is why I recommend this more than anything. I joined the new wine club, Club W.

They changed the whole game. It's easy. You go to clubw.com. That's clubw.com and you answer six simple questions. Their algorithm creates a palette profile just for you. Let's say you like fruity wines. You like sweet wines, ba, ba, ba. If you want to eat chicken,

then they send the wine directly to your door, perfectly customized to match your taste. Club W is the leading grape to glass wine revolution. They work directly with the vineyards and they cut out the middleman, which saves you dough. So with Club W, you get premium wine customized to your taste at a third of what they pay for at the store.

You even have a no risk, 100 money, 100% guarantee that you'll love what they send you. Let's do this. Let's end the fucking drama here. Right now, Club W is offering my listeners 50% off your first order when you go to clubw.com for Joey. That's clubw.com slash Joey.

Stop wasting time, stop and ba, ba, ba, messing around at retail stores. Start drinking wine you know you're gonna love. Shit. Go to clubw.com slash Joey and get 50% off your first order. And then this whole holiday bullshit with the fucking wine. All right.

That's clubw.com slash Joey. I want to thank Club W. I want to thank texture. I want to thank me undies and I want to thank honor. The reason why I was giggling was there's a candle right there and all I kept thinking about how that candle was and I liked that piece of paper. Is that a lollipop stick in there?

Oh no, that's a wig. It's looking beautiful. That's a wig. So everything's beautiful here. Everybody's cold prosthetic here. We'll be back Sunday night. We might be back Saturday. We might do our own little fight companion on what is it?

Periscope. We don't know what we're gonna do. I want to thank my main man, Theo Vaughn. Thank you man. I want to thank my main man, Lee Sciatica over here with this bad motherfucking hairdo. Beautiful. Eyeballs and that's it guys.

I'll see you next week. Don't forget next Thursday, San Diego. Then after that, my Ventura at the Chinese restaurant at the 23rd. Amen. Yeah, you're coming. Welcome. Amen man.

Yeah. Yeah, cool. This show is brought to you by Club W. Club W is the new wine club that changed everything. You just go to clubw.com and answer six simple questions and the algorithm creates a palette profile just for you. They send they then send the wine directly to your door, which is perfectly customized to your match your taste.

Club W is the leading grape to glass wine revolution and they work directly with vineyards to cut up to cut out the middlemen which save you money. Right now, Club W is offering our listeners 50% off of your first order. That's right. That's 50% off of your first order. When you go to clubw.com slash Joey,

stop wasting time and money messing around at the retail stores and start drinking wine you know you're going to love. Go to clubw.com slash Joey. That's clubw.com slash Joey to get 50% off of your first order. This show is brought to you by Meundies. Meundies makes the world's most comfortable underwear and they also make shirts, socks, sweat shirts, sweat pants.

All of their great products can be found at meundies.com slash Joey. And when you go to meundies.com slash Joey, right now you're going to get a 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the U.S. and Canada. And they even have a money back guarantee if you don't love your first pair, keep it and get a full refund. You have nothing to lose.

Go to meundies.com slash Joey right now to get 20% off of your first order and all orders shipping from the U.S. and Canada always shipped for free. This podcast is brought to you by the app Texture. Right now I'm going to Texture.com slash Joey to get a free trial of this brand new app. With Texture, you get an all access pass

to the world's best magazines right on your phone or tablet. You get to browse hundreds of magazines and check back the articles that interest you the most. And they recommend articles for you daily plus curated collections that you drive deeper into topics. Sign up right now and then mere seconds gain inside of access to the very best rear plus exclusive contact. So go to Texture.com right now slash Joey

and get a free trial of this great new app. This show is brought to you by onnit.com. Go to onnit.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all the right optimization products like Alpha Brain New Mood, ShroomTech Immune, and ShroomTech Sport. It's code word church to get 10% off. Thank you, Theo.

Thank you. All I want is a remedy. For all of that sympathy. I have some remedy. I will take another one. Take another one. Believe me. Thank you.

Thank you. All I want is a remedy. For all of that sympathy. I have some remedy. I will take another one. Take another one. Believe me. Thank you.

Oh, my little remedy. Yeah. For all of that sympathy. You see. I need a remedy. For all of that sympathy. I need a remedy. Yeah.

For all of that sympathy. Yeah. Wow. For all of that sympathy. You see, I found it. You see, baby. I found it. You see, I found it.

For all of that sympathy. I will take another one. Take another one. For all of that sympathy. You see, I found it. We found it. We found it. We found it.

We found it. I found it. We found it. Are you with me?