Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #342 - Esther Ku

Episode Date: December 21, 2015

Esther Ku, Comedian and Host of the "Ku and The Gang" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey to start your free trial today! Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get 50% off of your first order of wine curated just for you Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Recorded live on 12/20/2015.
   Music:  Luv 2 Luv Ya - Timbaland and Magoo I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet It's All About The Benjamins - Puff Daddy

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to clubw.com slash joey. So stop wasting time and money and go to clubw.com slash joey to get 50% off your first order. Go to audit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products and go to hit E6.com and use code word joey's church to get five hit E6 for $50. Oh, shit, Sunday night, oh, shit, you know how we do it here. Oh, shit, that's the cool Uncle Mike, Lisa, yeah, Timbo and Magoo black people jumping up and down. My type.

Here we go. Oh, shit, what's going on here? Happy Monday morning to you motherfuckers. You're getting this shit bright and early to start your week off on the right foot. Hanukkah is over. It's the holiday motherfucking season. You know what I'm saying? This is a different Jesus.

What's up, Lisa? I had a great weekend, man. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, man. You had a great week. I did. Other than my eye getting messed up by the great fucking weekend. That's the cool.

You still got to deal with. You still got to deal with. He got pink eye on his right eye and he still had a great weekend. His fucking. What are you normally used to catching on a weekend? Oh, a little bit of everything. No, it happened. I didn't even know until this morning I fucking I went into a hot tub and I was not probably

older than me. I guess. I don't know how old. No, it had lights. It had like lights underneath. Yeah. I had lights out of a whole little board. It looks fine.

I don't know. I told them on the phone. I was thinking right after I got out and as soon as I got off the phone, I'm like, he just jinxed me. Just like when you walked away from the blackjack table, which you don't blame that on me. I was playing out stupidity. You're sitting there next to an old lady. She's taking it to the dry cleaners.

I invested in you. How the fuck do you go in the hot tub and get a rash? I don't know, man. What? What is anything? No, I don't get. I never got a rash. You go to John Jocks.

You fucking get bronchitis. How does this happen? I have bad luck. The last couple. Bad luck. No, I'm telling you. We got a tough enough. That's it.

I'm going to have to fucking. How else can you tell me? I can't get into a hot tub. Something. We have to rain to the ocean with the fucking people in Long Island that they jump in first. That's it. That's your new mission. We're going to.

The church is going to spawn to you next week to be your first honorary polar band jumping the water. I heard it's like 10 grand to get in. So what 10 grand? That's what I heard. We know people. That's the coups here. She'll go over there with you.

That's the coup. What up? Motherfucker. What's going on? What's going on? The church of what's happening down. Oh, shit. Thank you.

Y'all got on that with me and blowing up the room. Oh, man? Thanks for bringing me. That was fun. It's how it happened with the brownie of death and shit, you were snoring back there. Oh, well, well, first of all. So back as you know, in the passenger seat and I'm in the back seat and there's like a baby seat because you got a baby and shit.

So you like are just, we're just like dry. It took fucking forever to get there. Whoa, and a half hours. No, it didn't yes, and yeah, I guess see listen guys this listen in California and in life They're gonna tell you that there's all these little things. I've been going to San Diego now for 18 fucking years You know many times a year when you live in LA and you're a young comic you go to San Diego You go ten times a fucking year every time I pass Garnett I get chills in my spine How many times I left?

You know thinking I could be the king of swing and leave the San Diego two hours before and just barely No, I never missed the show down there, but you come close You know you always assume those bar shows are gonna run 15 minutes late Yeah, then there's a guest said then who then the lake is a plan You know there's all the heats playing you're in Miami same difference, you know put up a few more guest spots Yeah, so fucking that's saying Diego run that guy used to book me every you know every third month And I do the whole thing La Jolla Monday there was something Tuesday Wednesday. There was something on the same block right next to each other

Same bookers, so they booked Tuesday at one bar, and then you walked out of that bar on Wednesday Went to the bar next door in San Diego, and that was the other room. They were great packed just great rooms, you know But uh No, that was fucking brutal. I'd never seen nothing like that in my life That's why I don't go to fucking San Diego. That's why four and a half hours four and a half hours You're fucking crazy bumping I mean that's how long it takes to get from Boston to New York listen an hour and a half, and we were by the Commerce Casino That's not a good sign

You're like what the fuck is this Well, thanks for driving because that would have been horrible to drive separately like that Yeah, you know so I had this like constant flow like every half hour You would like turn around and give me a brownie a cookie like You know me dog I had a bag Yeah, man We brought star one stuff. We brought all the Brownies and which they're brownies are fucking the real deal and they taste yeah

Like you take their brownies and you fucking put them in the microwave for 20 seconds You loosen them up to get the T8c cooking You take a little vanilla ice cream you dip it on that motherfucker with a little bit ice cream And I'll tell you what nobody knows nothing They're eating that thing like this is delicious. Oh my goodness And then you eat the whole goddamn bag. Oh, yeah, it's a hundred Do you like limit yourself and just leave some at home to like make sure you don't like fucking trip Listen, I see you want to trip listen to me. You know, I got no reason to lie

I just went to a weed store and I looked around like an analysis. I got more elbows than they do I Got room still I got me what I got room now at this point The other day I found the bag of weed that was so fucking good in the luggage Somebody gave it to me and I've been traveling around the world with this fucking dog Right in the front bag one time somebody gave me wax in a pan already with wax gave it to me an envelope I didn't know what it was. I put in the fucking front compartment I'm traveling all over the country with a wax pen with the fucking thing which is 20 years That's a controlled substance that little watch. It's not 20 years, but let's assume

You have to fucking assume with your luck with your luck I'm saying with all luck that they tested and it was made in Bangkok and it's fucking pure And now you're gonna have to do 18 years and you know, you never fucking know you never know what that shit You know weed is cool. It's that vapor and all that shit where they'll look at you if they really want to break balls If they really want if you if you rub somebody the wrong if you looked as the TSA agent the wrong way They'll jump on you. Well, it's not the TSA agents. Listen, they could do what they do Their job is fucking tedious as fuck and when something becomes that tedious it makes a greater Possibility for error because you're really not paying attention

You you got and you ever go through them and they're talking to one another They're always talking to each other talking and they're not paying attention So you listen, you know TSA you look at this really like a fucking joke I'm gonna rest in the airport when I see Marines Like fucking real Marines from North Carolina at every fucking airport at the door with two bombs That's that's gonna, you know, Alex Jones as crazy as he was in 2010 or something he goes listen in 10 years. There's gonna be TSA at the parks He goes just trust me. It's gonna be like little Cuba. Oh, it's gonna be like little fucking Cuba

In the parks at the parks where your kids play There's gonna be TSA at the malls People walking around, you know, when you go have you been to New York lately done when you cross the bridge Cross the bridge go to the tunnel See what you see at the fucking tunnel. They're not fucking around at the tunnel and then not fucking around at that bridge But we discussed this before no, you didn't talk about it. They're not fucking around When you pull up to the Lincoln tunnel in the morning all the Holland tunnel going into New York City Every gate has a dude with a mask with body armor with a fucking gun under his arm

Strap to the hill like he's going a fucking side gun They got dogs. They're right there. They stopped the truck They're looking underneath the George Washington Bridge had the same thing they stop every car. What do they do when they go to pay the toll? When they go to pay the fucking toll, they're right there They're not fucking around. I don't have a problem with any of that. I mean I people at TSA People get mad at because like they don't really do much. I don't have a problem with TSA like When I was in Israel, they have military everywhere because they have to now I Wouldn't I would be totally at this point without all the crazy stuff happening if military has to be places like that

Doesn't it doesn't bother me. I know some people think it's infringing on their rights cuz You're white so it wouldn't bother you. That's also true. That's all that's a fair point, right? But do a do Asians feel a lot of like a lot get a lot of like a hate and stuff from from cops Yeah, no if anything they trust us too much And we don't get we get under searched You know Like you know how many gangster Asians are just running like drug rings like Prostitution rings like you know gambling rings like crazy

Right That's very that's very big go undercover It's really weird in 1985 I read this book called snow blind that ricocheted me into another book my ricocheted me into another book And guys I in that I can't tell you everything I read but I read one about How The Chinese were put heroin in this country through Toronto for years

They took proof to the DEA the DEA was like those people and nicest fucking people know You Know like they've never had one of at the time of this printing this author went out of his way to say either with that naive or That fucking smart. I went with the other. I went with that fucking smart. I went with that fucking smart. They're They're professional all the way to the end the guys to move the heroin they still go to work every morning They live in an apartment with eight fucking other families in the same fucking apartment

They all work at the restaurant together, you know, he's still sweating back there, you know And then at night he slips out a little fucking Volkswagen he goes to meet with these guys and exchange $200,000 and they got tattoos no fucking deal to move for the century Was the Yakuza what they did to UCLA when they bought the kidneys and people died and Fucking got sued when the two Yakuza's went to their feds and said we have tons of information Worldwide worldwide we bit we do business with everybody We do major league business when everybody we want to come in with sick of the Yakuza They went into the feds the feds said really what do you want to exchange?

We want federal protection in the United States, but before anything we want to get new kidneys because the ink They use in Japan for the tattoos Oh, no killed their kidneys and there and their culture does not believe in replacing kidneys in Japan So they were like, yep, and I'll tell you what not just me, but also my goomba. He's coming. Also They came into the fucking Into UCLA with a plane they donated two mil three go online Lee. It's hard. It's fucking gangsta shit They had a whole thing on a 60 minutes gangster They went and donated three mil here three mil here three mil here

Got put number one on the kidney got two fucking kidneys. They got back on a private jet I'm right back to Japan. Oh, totally United States suck my dick and call me shorty. I was born in 1940 Never she never came back big embarrassment for the United States Wow big embarrassment for the United States That's crazy. Yeah happened in 08 Wow So you see a medical center and it's most accomplished liver surgeon provided a life-saving transplant to one of Japan's most powerful gang bosses And they were like nine people on this one next Oh, Japan went over gave everybody a like a million here. Fuck it. You're gonna die. We got a million dollars

You got sushi whatever you want come get come to Japan tattoos on me Fucking he went right back Gangsta shit. Listen, man Mike Kessler grew up in New York City I grew up and I grew up going over there and then as I got older and they told me what it represented Chinatown I went Jesus Christ all these people here. These people were so powerful in the mid-80s. They pushed the mafia They shrunk

Literally used to be huge They shrunk little fucking Italy old-school shooting them Tell them to suck that dick that taking their heroin back. Yeah, because the Chinese people they're nice people They don't borrow by a little karate champion blow a dart at you Besides that that don't bother. No bother these poor people. They cook they do the whole thing. So they would give The heroin to these fucking gangsters for 50,000 a kilo make 25,000 a kilo These gangsters were making a 400,000 a kilo Cutting in half and saw that the fucking the brothers and Harlem and the Puerto Ricans and the Bronx and and they fucking became millionaires

The Chinese from thought about this and said we got a redneck on this deal And we're not gonna just run a we gotta take these money. You can't take money out of somebody's pocket like that You pulled your money out like that. They're gonna slay us. We're gonna slay that So it started like an 83 a little by little they just kept moving up and said listen We're taking the heroin trade back. Did they have guns or oh, no, no They went in there with karate suits and wrestled them to death Machine guns and fucking balls of steel You know, it's it's amazing if you it started like an 82 when the Chinese said fuck it

We're gonna we're first off. We're way smarter than them way smarter They just sell it for us because we have no muscle We bring it all the way from the fucking jungles of Burma Where there ain't no law. It's every man from self So we're bringing all the way over here for the set price was making I don't know if it's $50,000 I'm just telling you a price, but they weren't getting the cut of what was coming to them It's like you shooting spider-man

Three it making 200 billion dollars and you're just getting scale for the day Right around you like somebody's making fucking back the Chinese took command of that back and And you know, they what they do is the Chinese I guess Teamed up with the gangsters in Toronto. There's a family up in Toronto popular family And they teamed up with motorcycle gangs and they were the direct link to the bananas They had that that white because that white heroin. It's where it's at. Yeah, Mexican heroin is great You know, but that fucking white heroin that there was doing and fucking once upon a time in America

That's the shit right there That's the giddy giddy get-get With a little fucking boy, that's opium really I fucked up. Is heroin a powder It comes like a white powder you mix it and put it in a needle and then shoot up and fucking blast it off the lullabill Wow So it's fucked up how It's weird because when I came from Cuba on 88th Street where I drove by a couple weeks ago, it's a complete different neighborhood Two doors down there was a Chinese family and they drew the father drew for Schultz

And I was friends with the girl. I was like a boyfriend. I go we play I ate there They had the candy with the paper on I'll never forget that being little kid and then on Saturdays he would invite 10 kids over to the screening of You know Disney whatever his fucking name is but I always talk about this. It's so weird how Bruce Lee changed everything Once Bruce Lee came fucking Asians were like now what? bitches We're walking around like pussies Pussies there was very their coaches not a flashy culture, right?

Except for maybe Japan Koreans are crazy like your family's crazy right around like old-school Koreans a drink Koreans are like the Irish Of the Orient I heard They're like the fifth most drinking country in the country in the world in the world Yeah, fuck around. Yeah, it's like drinking is a big problem for a little drink Zima either in Korea They drink whiskey soju. What's soju? I don't know. It's like sake, but Korean You know it but it's like it has a fruit taste to it. So you can get watermelon soju and get Fucked up. I see what you're saying. You don't even know because it's delicious. It's like candy Yeah, you're born in Korea. No Chicago. It's my English that bad. No, no, no, no, just

I was born in Chicago Chicago Was there a lot of Koreans in that neighborhood? Yeah, they my parents moved to Chicago with a bunch of other Koreans from Korea Yeah, and they decided on Chicago for some reason None wrong with Chicago Well, you know what? It's like the similar it's similar weather, you know, it's cold it gets cold Like a motherfucker like a motherfucker and then gets hot like a motherfucker, you know So they were kind of used to that and maybe that was an easy transition, but Yeah, and then you went to the University of Illinois. Yeah fighting on why not? Yeah

And that's where you started stand up or way before that. No after that I started stand-up after college when I was working In Chicago, no in Boston and by doing up in Boston because I got a job, right? And this company said I got a sales job with a company and they were sending out sales people all over the country and They said what city you want to live in and I said Boston Atlanta or Chicago and they gave me Boston And I was like, I'm going to Boston and I went to Boston and I had a company car and my life was set up like instantaneously And they got your apartment to give you pedium. No, I found my apartment and then I

Just I you know, I worked and I traveled the whole all of New England selling pens So I learned the comedian lifestyle from being a traveling, you know, like being a sales rep Where I have to check into a hotel I have to you know, learn how to get from point A to point B Even if you got to take like the backwoods of Maine and you know, you still know how to find yourself, you know, where you're going Let me ask you something It's very interesting you brought up the comedian lifestyle before you got into comedy It kind of told you what you were getting yourself into in other words

Yeah Like when I thought about what I was gonna do for the rest of my life. I was working on a fucking roof All right, and everything was going well. I had a car at a nice place There was no harmony in my home But I knew this wasn't it You know, I was pulling a little bit of money in the bank. I could have gone back to school I had a thousand options, but I just fucking knew this wasn't it I took a stand-up comedy class for three weeks, you know

And I thought about it and then I talked to some people I got on stage and I asked around And it was just weird how It fit my lifestyle the type of person I was yeah, totally like to travel Meeting random people constantly Constantly and just having fun You know it's being alone being alone having time to drink off all day long Eating at different places Not having a day job was key for me not having to like wear a suit or like a pants suit

Not having to wear a uniform You know, it's it's it's it's really I love to look at the numbers of how many kids go to school thinking they're gonna be like Office reps and after like five years go fuck you I'm gonna go sell copy machines like a be outside and drive and shit. Fuck this job Fuck my degree, you know, cuz you don't think you really overlook those things Like sometimes I go to jiu-jitsu sometimes and then Tuesdays we're gonna get kettlebell class. It's always inside Last week. I was like fuck this. I'm gonna throw kettlebells outside, you know, I'm the son I like being outside. I've always liked being outside outside is so nice to see green and like have your eyes be

stimulated with you know, different kinds of trees and Birds and you know, let the birds sing to you and like check out different like landscape options I like all that shit, you know, right? That's why I like selling cars because you have an office But you have to go outside and talk to people But you could be introverted all day long if nobody comes in right you could go in between and I'm just like right In your computer all day You take three hits off a joint in between a car and just sit out there and listen to the birds chirp And listen to the cars go by and listen to kids speak and yell listen to it's nice

Just to shut the fuck up and just listen to the noises and the surroundings around you sometimes but weed Picks it up even more it makes it more sensitive Totally, it's like what happens to a cat after midnight. They become more fucking near They get all fucked and crazy and shit like they get all fucked up. Do they get what do they get like? They're levels of hunting come out because they're not on the brawl. They're not turn all sun Not really nocturnal, but what's that expression that the freaks come out at night? That's all cats cats at about 11 about midnight one o'clock

That's why you always hear cats fucking outside your window And they're in here about 130 cats sound like babies crying cats come to life Right. Well, this is what happened the cats dick The male dick has a hook on it a lot of people don't know so when he has sex with the female cat when he pulls backwards He's scraping her insides. Oh Little knives on his dick and it scrapes the insides to make room for his sperm So she has old sperm laying around like I have a cat super bad Super bad and the two sisters came from the same mother, but a different father, but from the same litter

because she had sex with two different cats in the yard and Super bad Lulu and Evie all brother and sisters But you can't tell because super bad is black and white But Evie and Lulu are sigmes Because she was having sex with two different cats So that's why when a cat pulls his dick out Because it's really ripping them apart Oh God, and then they fucking put it in is a cat penis thorny. It's like

I've never given my cat a hand job It's like one of those things when you got to clean out like the the faucet in your bathtub and you need to clean out all the hair Yeah Something that pulls it back pulls it when you pull it out, you know, it can't it doesn't pull out just smoothly You gotta it, you know, you got to pull it out and yank it out. It's something like that. Yeah Fuck cats come harder than humans. It seems like but no, it's just the way they do I don't know why, you know, I watched her have like four or five letters in my backyard So I was really I was really at the time. I was just fucking lost

So I really got involved and I really watched how she treated her cats How the fucking father would kill the kittens? Because the quicker he would kill the kittens is the quicker he could fuck her again because she was stopped making milk. Oh My god, so he would kill the fucking kittens Some mornings I wake up and they'd be two dead kittens in the fucking oh, how sad cuz this cat was fucking crazy the samurai was crazy So and he wouldn't even take food. What do you do with these little dead kittens? You pick them up you bury him and you say a prayer. I mean, they're tiny, right fucking tiny But he was fucking okay, let's say he would fuck isn't the regular cat mama

and for some reason mama would have six kittens and Three of them would live and two of them will live in the yard and Let's say one of them was a female he come back and have sex with his daughter And then she'd have six kittens and then he'd come back and just keep having sex with all those kittens I have tons of generations of those cats like that backyard had Six or seven generations of those cats because he kept fucking his own daughters And having kittens he was a neighborhood cat that lived outside That was like an eight or nine. You know what?

You know what the life expectancy of a cat who lives outside is look it up. We It's not long Or not even really three years. Maybe two tops. Maybe something like that So for a cat to mature outside like people who lived in the building were like that motherfucker was mean when he was a kitten Somebody left him here when he was a kitten. They just kept getting his head because Less than two years Yeah, so for him to be eight and his head was huge from the testosterone. Nobody ever got him neutered He wouldn't fall for that shit. He was too

There was a lady in hollywood that was part of a program that would leave that talk that would leave He would meow and fuck with you. He did what assigned me is dead From time to time he would loosen up and fuck with you on the roof You'd see him on the roof stretching and getting sun and making noises But he was a fucking primitive like for example He saw super bad's dad in a tree You know like had nothing to do with him Like he could have just kept walking and he looked up. I was in my bathroom

And I heard something They opened the window and I look outside And I see fucking demmy and harry's dad Fucking with his tail. It looked like a pole Like he would it looked like he had been harpooned By a stick I didn't know and he was walking weird and I didn't know what he was looking at So I didn't know if somebody had shot him with something. It was the weirdest moment ever And then I see him run up a fucking fence like a monkey

He jumps on the roof and he goes from one under the roof to the other pacing And I see what he was looking at He was looking at super bad's dad my my cat's dad That was just on a tree not bothering nobody harry's dad. No super bad's dad. That's black and white Okay, and he looked at super bad's dad And he was fucking going back and forth and finally he He walked

50 yards and jumped up a tree in a garage Just to get at super bad's dad I saw him fight him dog. They fought on the tree to almost No, I wasn't that hip at the time. Oh, man. I was scared for both of them. I didn't mind videotape And I was scared for the boat to them I liked the boat to them. I didn't want them to fucking they were on that tree fucking going at it for like 50 seconds and they just fell down and you heard them and then I lost them And I go fucking then I saw I went outside and I saw

The father licking themselves Samurai like just licking his wounds. He had like a stitch over his eye. He was bleeding and shit But he didn't give a fuck. I would go out there and leave cat food for him. He would never eat it That's how but he would spit it back. I mean like fuck you I don't eat that shit. That's what pussies. I'm a fucking cat jack And he would sign me he's beautiful but his balls were black Like he had huge black balls He had grown so much that the testosterone that he would even walk like a bull his balls would just

Bounce like a bull. You don't know how many times I saw him. We lived on Selma and Schrader And you don't know how many times I saw him chasing a cat by Highland, which is four blocks away Like he didn't want no male cats in his neighborhood like he and he wanted it known like I'll fucking kill you And I I don't know the last time I saw him My wife gave him How does he walk? I feel like he's got like a badass walker. I mean we left we left that neighborhood in 2009 And we hadn't seen him in about a year And the last time my wife saw him he had a big gash over his eye

And it was infected. So she gave him like a Something with an auto antibiotic in it So he the swelling would go down or something a cream something or some basi tracin and uh He wouldn't eat it and that was the last time we saw him and I have a picture of him somewhere Who knows who knows with that motherfucker? I mean in my mind motherfuckers like that never die He's somewhere just getting stitched up like rambo or something. He's like on a farm somewhere Wow

But it was really an education to have and now to still have those cats and to look at super bad Super bad is a ram motherfucker because I fed him he was dead pretty much He had gotten that disease where your stomach swells up from living outside Lime or something like that lime disease And my wife just brought him upstairs to die pretty much. She didn't want him to die outside So she brought him and his brother up and his brother died the first night So super bad was dead the next morning and I'm like, I don't want another cat dying in my house

That's not gonna happen. So I started feeding them oatmeal cookies My wife had these soft and gooey oatmeal cookies. He wouldn't eat cat food He wouldn't drink water. He was pissing on himself. His legs were yellow. Super bad was his white his legs were fucking yellow And I kept I just You know, you don't fuck all I know is if I was dying I'd want somebody to give me some fucking lobster tails and butter Don't show up with a fucking slim gym and a fucking Snickers bar. I'll spit in your face and I'll hunt you from hell You understand me you come over you drop a fucking

You drop a fucking Mutsudel sandwich with fucking prosciutto on me with a tomato and sliced peppers I'll fucking make sure you get laid every day from hell. I'll send postcards I'll make sure you bump into women. I swear to god He's dying. So I didn't know what to give him So I went in there with oatmeal cookies and he started eating oatmeal cookies And he went from eating like a little oatmeal cookie a little bit more a little bit more Little bit more. I kept going in there every hour. He kept eating and you know what two days later He was getting his two front legs were up

So I kept getting the oatmeal cookies and a little bit of milk oatmeal cookies a little bit of milk And that motherfucker got up You ever see those people in churches you ever stay up to a floor and you see those retarded people in churches They show up in church with like a a fake wheelchair there on the floor drooling And the white priest comes over with a lot of white teeth and he hits him in the head and he goes He starts speaking in tongues. Yeah, and he hits him in the head in the heel Dog I was sitting in on my living room floor watching tv I've seen that live and all of a sudden I looked on my left and there's super bad next to me

And he just collapses because that five steps on the bathroom to living room must have killed him And he came up like this kind of never oh my god Come close to me never talk to me never winked an eye on me His brothers and sisters would play with me not that motherfucker But for me giving them those oatmeal cookies He walked out to thank me I'll never forget that he actually made it out walked out rub like his nose on my fucking elbow And fell down and I played with him a little more. I'm like we were like in shock

We gave him some more oatmeal. He didn't make it back to the bathroom. I picked him up and brought him back But three days later, he was walking back and forth and today eight years later I still got super bad at my house right now The point of the story is like every time I have oatmeal cookies now. He still comes over to me that motherfucker The other had oatmeal cookies out to Thanksgiving somebody gave me oatmeal cookies And I got home and I like a little look at that oatmeal cookies and I looked and there he was Can he eat a whole oatmeal cookie by himself? If I break it up into pieces. No, he gets sick

I would just break up a couple pieces a fourth of a cookie. Yeah, and you listen to him. He goes He really gets excited like he's like today. He was with my wife He was 10 feet away and I could still hear him purring Like he's like out of all the cats. He gets fucking excited Like he fucking purrs jack. Wow You can hear it He goes fucking ape shit Ha ha ha ha

Was was samurai fiddles father? Because fiddles used to do that to you just no harry Uh Fiddles father was harry's uh super bat's father Oh, okay, because fiddles used to do that to me just stare at me a now Just the entire time I was there. He just boss you around and shit He would paint into corn. He paints into a fucking corn. It's really weird When I was a kid a friend of mine said his cat would you just don't ever yell at your cat

If you ever get old don't yell at your cat because they go into the bed and they write a note and they get revenge when you sleep That's why I never got a cat and it's kind of true Well, why did you get a cat in the first place now? You have like five of them my wife She's a cat my wife had a cat a little kitten when I met her and I became tight with the kitten and then They had these like a fucking cats in the backyard Having a cat as a pet was new to you though, but she was used to it. Yes. No, no, she was used to having animals on a farm Yeah, I don't know dick about nothing But did you like it at first?

I thought he was a pussy. Did it take some adjusting to me? I thought he was a pussy I thought he was a little fucking pussy demmy uh fennie At first I used to chase him with the vacuum I'll get the vacuum and we go like that he run around and run Matt me and then we would just play like a game And then he just showed a weird affection. You know cats and dogs show you different type of affections A dog shows you an affection when you walk in and they play with you and they throw a ball Cats come by and they rub against your legs and they walk away Cats know when you really need them like when you're fucking time and need

They show and you don't even know it. It's not till a week later. You go that motherfucker Hmm Like finny for example, I get anxiety sometimes Especially when I see blood and I'm not prepared for it I get anxiety You know, sometimes I bang my head, you know, I bent over one day and I banged my head and I thought about this What I do when I get that anxiety like one day I was in the shower shaving And I cut myself and I hot water hit it and I looked at it two minutes later

My whole head was covered with blood and I went into a panic mode So I ran outside. I fucking ran out there naked I just sat by the chair by the air conditioner. I put the air conditioner down to 60 And I just sat down breathed out of my nose and I started seeing spots and shit, you know before you faint And the middle of all this finny jumps on me while I'm naked And when he lands to show me he loves me he puts his claws out You know how they they just put their claws out they purr and they put their claws out listen

And I don't have to lie to anybody in this room. It just wasn't my cat I would have punched this fucking cat right off my fucking hip. Can you understand me? Michael Vick style I would have punched this cat that this cat would have flown across the fucking room. Do you understand me? You have no idea what it is to be fainting And for a cat to land on you naked And one of his claws is in your leg and all of a sudden he starts to drop his claws into you But the reason that I love this motherfucker. I just kept saying finny get off me finny get off me

finny get off me finny And finally I would just hold him and pat him. He would stop calling me. But guess what? I didn't faint He kept you from feinting. He saved your life. I love that he did it again He did it again one time. Like I got food poisoning and I went in the couch and sat then I'm like Like all of a sudden there he is. I had jeans on and there he at this time He put two claws and pulled himself up Which that shit drives me crazy. I will choke that motherfucker

And again, I'm like god damn it finny again. If it was anybody else's cat I would have left hooked that fuck motherfucker. But I love this cat so much So I'm like god damn finny god damn it God damn that whole god damn god damn it you mother and I would just I'm sorry. I yelled at you And then in that whole process. I'm giving my kiss and even and I realized I didn't faint You know what I didn't like he saved your life Not that he saved my life, but for the moment he was there for me. He filled that void. Yeah Because if you faint that's almost like getting a concussion. Yeah, it feels like it, right? It's fucking horrible

Yeah, so he's like you don't want to like not remember shit in your life I ate some edibles before I came up and I ran up the stairs real fast And when I came in here at first I lost my breath It kicks the anxiety and oh my god. I thought I was gonna pass up I took my jacket just before you came ten minutes before you came. Oh my god Are you okay now? Yeah, I'll just see I'm breathing I'm telling cat stories. I'm in my fucking heaven. You know what I'm saying? That's the fucking cool in the house and shit

That's the cool don't fuck around. She took that stage in San Diego. Yeah, all jokes aside and Fuck them up Fuck them up whether it was and she was stoned as fuck. Let me tell how stone she was she broke her fucking thumb Charlie take my house. She broke her pinky same difference Pinky thumb That's what you consider a thumb No, I'm sorry. Let's look at it

man So how long you've been doing coming all together now About 12 years now How long were you on the show with Nick Cannon? Did you do one episode? I did one season. What did you think? Oh, man, I thought that was the greatest. What episode? What year did you do? I did season six. I think okay. What are they up to now? Um seven in between seven and eight. Oh, that's what they're up to now. I think so. Yeah I don't know. I thought they were up to like season 13

I don't I don't I watch it when I'm on the road. I know like uh Spanky and you know spanky haze Couple of the guys on the show. So I'd watch it for a little while You know, I remember when I first got here Nick Cannon would do comedy And he would show up there with his mom and he'd have to stand outside the comedy club So he was what he was like 18. Yeah, not even 16 15 Yeah, he would have to sit outside the comedy club and they'd come out and get him and go nick you ready yet He was running

He couldn't be in the club because they sold alcohol And his mom was outside his mom was outside of his dad. It was guardian. I forget who it was nice people You know one long time ago church people. Yeah, he was always a very very nice kid, you know Yeah, and then you did what's the other one the girl code girl code What the fuck is the girl code because you're like the third girl that I've met that's on the show tell me what it is It's like a it's like a talking head show for teenagers, you know And it's like they put cartoons to our stories and we tell stories, you know talking about like they'll do like a topic You know like texting sexting

And you know valentine's day or something, you know, and then all these comedians will riff off These topics, right? But it's um, it's it's geared towards females And it's all female comedians on the show or it's all about the female perspective, you know So we like wrote all of our own material, you know what I mean? Everything that we said was just our original original thoughts on camera You know, so it was kind of like we all Is a very female writery show, you know what I mean, right now Do you get a lot of office to play tv and movie roles?

Um, I have gone on auditions. Yeah It's just interesting. I think that they would be you to do well because You're what they look for more than You know, I'm saying you you have great looks Plus you're you were born and raised here You could play the other hand too. You could show me so No, one time one time I was an extra in one of those cop shows in new york And I was a waitress at a chinese restaurant and I didn't have any lines

I'm just bringing takeout food, you know to a customer whatever and when I watch it back They dubbed chinese over my image You know, but they didn't like have me say it because I don't know chinese first of all and second of all they'd have to pay me So they just got somebody to read some chinese how dirty is that? That's hysterical. Yeah It's just uh What is do you follow margaret show on twitter? I do. Okay. What is asian face? What is what the fuck is she talking about today? What is asian face? I don't know. I'm asking somebody who's korean just in case

She said the statement was fuck asian face. I'm sick of asian face Let hollywood pick the right rose for asian to some shit You know Oh, did somebody do asian face and they're white on a tv show or something? I don't know because there's black face, you know, what happened we say I'm just looking right now. I'm not sure Listen, man, I tell you who's a bad motherfucker actor has anybody seen that movie focus With wilson man

No, it's good. Listen What's the psycho remember the gay psychiatrist and svu? Like that they go to him all the time with questions and he's very gay and He's an asian guy. I don't know if he's korean or japanese or chinese. I don't know whatever the fuck he is If you haven't seen the movie focus You have to see his scene There's three brilliant performances. I've watched the last couple weeks is focus that guy in that scene The brazilian and narcos

An episode, you know, whatever to nine. He's brilliant. If he was english and australian, they'd be sucking his dick What this fucking scene? Oh, I saw Carlitos way last week one night and will Viggo mortensen A port of rican in the wheelchair Are you fucking? Have you ever seen that? No Haley Which I type in Viggo Viggo type in carlitos way virgo mortensen. You ever see this

And then he says a word he says get on posse Some for somebody to coach you to say get on posse Even fucking posse even fucking tony montana didn't say that in fucking scarface That's the way Cubans in port of rican's talking those days It wasn't called anything else from posse. Get on posse That's what a bump is called

Get on posse. That's it. Get on posse. Get on posse. It means you want a bump Oh a bumper coke get it one posse one posse get on posse Get on posse just like that Yeah, we hit it. What's going on? I got no signal. I'm over here like patients on the monument here And he's all fucked up today. I know my brother Lee when he's fucked up. He's not fucked up my thc This rash is fucking him up. He's all fucked up I told him just he's my dog though. He doesn't eyeshadow on the other eye and nobody will ever think sometimes weird

He's all little bots tonight. I understand Shit happens Yo, what? Get on posse Jesus christ. Look at this fucking guy Yeah, like I told you he's all crazy Get on posse. But it's very The way it's set

Is the whole thing because posse has to be low Because you can't get that much attention Right, so the way you get on posse and you got to offer it out. Get on posse Get on posse And then if you really want to set the fire you call it un pasesito Which one do you want? Which one is it? Keep going Shit man, I mean, come on

Look what I got with this fucking gun. What's wrong with it? Fucking diapers, man I got fucking diapers. I shit my pants every day. I can't walk. I can't hum You know Go ahead and kill me you cocksucker Now you gotta find the other one before that Just pressing vego mortensen Call lido's way And watch this motherfucker take it to the next level and shit

Hopefully they'll have it from the beginning He plays a boy that's the only slip he has is only He plays the fucking he slips right there. I keep going scroll and see what else they got. Maybe they don't have it What do you gotta do? Wait with that lilo whatever keep going back upstairs up there you go You Let's see Maybe now maybe gonna take us to fucking germany and show some fucking what the fuck is this shit

What the fuck is this shit What is this like? Fucking me up. Are you slipping? No, no, no, what is this shit techno fucking Pacino? I think li necessita. I'm passing li necessita. I'm passing. No Guys keep scrolling see what's on the bottom. There's gotta be there. There's gotta be somewhere that keep going keep going You gotta see you don't see you know what? No, it's not there. They fucking took it out these cocksuckers But he's fucking great in that Jesus Christ, but how is the house was meant

In focus. Yeah, it's not will smith. It's the asian guy Oh, okay, the asian guy Fucking will smith plays like a scammer and he goes into a press box like one of those boxes where people high level people and this is fucking Let's just say he's a chinese fucking gangster And he's in there and he's gambling out loud. I'll guarantee you Uh, the guy who does this and he would beat him and they kept escalating the bet And all of a sudden will smith goes let's do this for three million dollars or something

And the guy goes fuck it And all of a sudden he has sympathy for the devil and this fucking guy takes it to the next level of acting I mean you sit there and go jesus christ. He's badass And then he throws will smith out of his box after he beats will smith or whatever. I mean, it's just fucking tremendous It's one scene Which is all you need in the movie if you're gonna fuck about really hard He went in there and fucked them up really hard, man You forgot will smith was in the fucking movie for three minutes. You're like god damn this guy plays a gangster

Damn damn What's up my little fucking angel of death we met on this set of doug benson Doug Benson's getting dug with high smoking some fucking reefer in there. I gotta go back on there I feel bad because they're good guys, but it's always monday or tuesday early and i'm busy and i'm running around And we try but i told him i'd do it once they go back in january. I'm definitely on there Yeah, you're you're definitely a fan favorite eat some animals. I like it on the show. Doug's a good guy. It's a fun time That's what we're looking for a studio. We could smoke pot and let ourselves on fire And leave them get a fucking ration. Shit. Let's hope not. What's up, dog? You're broken over there

No, i'm good. I'm having you having a set. We won't never star. No, I don't want to That's good I always have No, i'm good, man. Wait, which one did I eat you ate a half of a 200 Half there's 200 milligrams in it. The purple ones are 200 In one star. Yep the regular Jesus christ. I'm like So nothing happens. So you might as well eat the other half. What the fuck are you complaining about?

You already pushed the envelope. You might as well go deep and shit. Damn That's a lot So who cares it's sunday night. What do you got to do now? Monday december 21st four shoplifting days left To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as tremendous What are you thinking talk to me great song. What are you thinking man? What's going on in your world right now?

You're going back to miami tomorrow. I'm going back to miami tomorrow. How long how long do you stay in miami for now? Well, I think maybe a week or something and then where do you go and then back to new york And stuff so you keep yourself pretty fucking busy with this family shit. Yeah, I travel a lot. You're always on the move You have to fucking travel. It's the only way you can you know, it's the only way you get really good at this You got to be an expert traveler You know what I mean? You got to know the shortcuts You got to know like the family style bathrooms when nobody's using them just to fucking use them and not feel bad I know I use the family style bathroom all the fucking time

Like you just take up a whole like if they ask me what's going on. I don't know. I'm waiting for my wife and kids I don't know what the fuck We got a fucking way to hear from they told me they'd be I do all listen I just got my southwest A list card And I'm like I already had all these benefits Because I stand on this line anyway. Yeah, whether I travel a list or not. I still travel on the fucking line

It doesn't matter people actually believe this shit Tsa won't let you get in the first class line if you got a first class ticket But the airline if there's a long line You get on first class And you say oh my god, I didn't know Then I got to send you to the back No, I hate those people You're always because I'm priority and there's always motherfuckers like you who are like, oh, I didn't know

I don't know Everybody's standing there going, you know, he doesn't have a priority ticket. No, I don't know nothing I don't know nothing. That's why that's the way to fly. What are you talking about? I don't know I thought I bought the early board. I didn't buy it. What are you talking about? Let me talk to a gay agent. Mr. Don't don't worry about it. Just get in the fucking plane You got to work it like you're fucking on the joint. You know what I'm saying for years. I traveled. I shoplifted I didn't have money to fucking buy stuff in airports. I shoplifted from the company that I worked for What did you shoplift?

Well, I got laid off from my job, right? I was a sales rep and I had this company car And I got laid off And they forgot to get their company car back. So I just took it with me to new york And what happened? Nothing happened. What'd you do with the car? I had this car and I was just like Just using this car like I'm not on their books, but they these companies are so big

They forget about the expenses of oh, we have a company car out there So for six months my first six months in new york, I had a car Did they call you on that? I didn't have to pay for And I started selling coke No, you didn't yeah out of the car. Yeah, how did I not meet you guys, man? We were already gone. Oh, yeah long gone So how'd they how'd you get the car back? They called me for the car And I was thinking I should bring it to like a tire shop and sell it for parts

You know like how much money could I make off a I had a Chevy Equinox Nice car, you know five four grand 35, right? I was so tempted when they when they called me and they said Yeah, you have uh, you have that car. Yeah, but see today they got gps And they got google maps back back then they didn't have that What were you gonna say? When when when they said where's the car? I was gonna say like, oh, I don't know I parked it here and now it's gone You know that that that's what my plan was but I gave the keys back because I was a pussy

No, but you could have just said I called somebody Who did you call six months ago and they told me to drop the car off at Hertz? Why would you drop a car off? I don't know. That's what I told Fucking name man. Listen, you can't take a fucking lighter anymore now. Yeah, they got you because all these cars got gps bridges cameras Oh, you know told seven times on them Tires have ID numbers. You're fucking dead. It's tough to be a fucking criminal today It's gotta be fucking tough to get away with murder anything

I know a girl who got caught stealing 12 sweaters from marshals Oh, yeah, that's a losing proposition I'm like, did you have to take 12 at one time? Yeah, no, if you're gonna walk on ice, you might as well dance. You're not gonna walk and then take one sweater If they 200 a piece, you gotta go 12 times and take one Yeah, but that's more time fucking going there for broke, but they're gonna get you with security now It's over. It's over. It's tough to shoplifter. I guess you got to go to different countries where they don't have cameras to shoplift You know shoplifting is getting expensive

You know you got to buy a plane ticket then shoplift there and then we're gonna shop with them, Mexico We're gonna think they're gonna do give you a ticket to Mexico and cut your fucking hand off You could go to the fucking do in Mexico. Are you crazy? If you're gonna get caught shoplifting Let's go to canada. Fuck that. They'll hang you to it and you can't travel You can't do dick if you're gonna shop with your shop. It doesn't have that much power. You got to shop live smart And there's no shoplifting in your world. You're a high level fucking comedian. There's no shoplifting I mean you could take a lighter and some rolling papers from time to time If nobody's watching but you can't shop with the fucking album or something like that doesn't pay doesn't cover the spread for you

No, I know you're the real fucking you know how I did it my castle tell him I was the king of the returns I caught the tail end of the evolution This time of the year. This was cash From december 10th to february 14th I probably made every year 25 30 thousand dollars Because in 1993 there was a big expresso boom in this country So expresso machines were 399 of the kmart shit on sale

I would just walk up to a golf machine pick it up and go back to the exchange line I said my wife bought this from my mother My mother's got one already and I don't have the receipt And they just give you money cash plus the tax Wow, you just so it was 399 you get like fucking 460 back plus tax And you walked out and that was the first time the second time they asked you for a night date Yeah, so you got to go to a different store

But you could get a receipt also you could hang out in front of the store like a port of rican And wait for somebody to drop a receipt. I mean one time somebody dropped the receipt for a long while Don't think I didn't get in the car and go to long mountain fucking bring back alone more like a motherfucker I wouldn't walk out of the store with the product Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would just walk right up to the fucking thing And say I got this I would just cut into the line like You know, I worked at a movie theater And I would have kids from my high school come and I say, you know, you give me 40 bucks

I'll let all of you guys in to the movie Please you were smarter than anyone. I worked in movie theaters for years People just let their friends in you for free. Yeah, I made them pay me I'm like, I'm like, you don't you don't you don't let me sit with you at the lunch table And you're like out having fun. Oh Oh, no, no, I wouldn't let anyone and anyone didn't like but I was not like friends Yeah, these were like the popular kids, you know, they'd be like, yo, let us in and they'd be like, yeah, what up

What up, cool When I was a kid, there used to be a place in jersey And I would go in there And I would buy an album Okay, but I would actually walk up to the counter with 12 albums Or nine albums or 10 albums or a stack of albums These guerrilla hands would cover the thickness

You could never tell because I'd walk up to you like this You're following me, but right before I paid for it. I bent over and left the albums on the floor and came back with the one you saw So the other I was like a magician you are a magician and then I come up to the counter pay for it Okay, these albums would still be standing against the counter like this Wait, you put like your jacket down there or something nothing nothing So the albums would still be standing against the counter like this

There'd be a wall she couldn't see through the glass People were busy. This is 1982 people were busy. She couldn't see She put that fucking album in a bag I take that bag Bend down like I was switching And pick the fucking albums up so they would cover the bag would cover the albums that I picked up I picked them up with my thumb And walk right out of the store like that

So all she'd see is the bag now, but she didn't see that my thumb was holding on to 10 fucking albums Wow, did you practice that at home? Yeah, yeah, I practice at home like a fucking magician in my mirror. No It's a complicated move His hands are fucking huge Figure that out. You don't need to practice when you got the size You have the all I needed was just to get my thumb on that plastic What would you do, Lee if those were your hands?

He was going to do cozy. I'll tell you that much. No I don't know what that means. I don't understand I never met a Jew with more skin rashes than you You used to you used to get a rash from jerking off like you've caught diseases from jerking off haven't you like fucking mild skin diseases on your little fucking Jupy and Gita having you look at you next time I know 20,000 people that show up to a fucking jacuzzi. I know only you come back with a black eye It's time. We have a talk. You got to intake your vitamin C It's time you eat two eggs for breakfast. That's we got to kick up the fucking pace for 2016

Last time you had remember you had the sty on the other eye Yeah, I had it from a fucking month and a half He kept saying and then the mother-in-law the mexican mother-in-law wanted to put You know, uh witchcraft on his eye like blow smoke in it and shit. He wouldn't let it No, it wasn't blow smoke. What was it? It was taking a burning hot jalapeno pepper put it on the fire

Until it's burning and then put that on your eye And I asked about that today and she said it's not the right kind for that So what what kind of pepper do you need for this thing you have on your head? What really happened with your eye? You should just tell people I was with this girl and she fucking was like she was like i'm a squirter Are you okay with that and you're like, yeah, sure. I never seen that and as she fucking started squirting in your eye Like spider woman, you know, and it just like covered your whole damn eye So let me ask you something. So when you dropped your paul off the yes, you went upstairs and

The mom saw your eye Yeah, and you showed it to him once you said you said do you even do you know I asked paul on the way home if her mom wouldn't do it and she said she would but like There's one where like something is like sticking out. I don't know this is gross but I don't know like I went in a fucking old hot tub at a cabin Not the smartest move apparently looking back on it Like did it have leaves in it? Yeah, did you leave your dick in the toilet? Did you hold on to it while you were shitting?

Why would I hold onto my dick while i'm shitting because you don't leave your little pingy coming inside because he's been watching you Because if you got a rash in the skin the jacuzzi Do you know what rash the toilet's gonna give you a dick if you left it on the inside? If I wish you I just go to the doctor tomorrow and get checked out You're all fucked up. Who goes to jacuzzi and comes back because of you because you always jinx me You hate airbnb for no reason Eight million people gonna airbnb nothing happens. I got a one ever in my life And use them as a bad jiu-jitsu one with like all the sperm of the hot tub or something

I don't know you don't listen if you see a hot tub people Listen, I want you people you listen is to listen to this Look at my face If you see if you're going to hot tub, I want you to think before you jump in a hot tub or a jacuzzi I want you to think that joey deers took a shit in that thing and jerked off in that because I've jerked off in all those jacuzzi Okay, I got no Somebody should draw that for you. I would always whack off in jacuzzi just to see the sperm disintegrate in the fucking In the fucking Poseidon

Just have joey. Joey Diaz. He's like I was 21. I whacked off in those things all the time So you have to assume if somebody whacked off in those fucking jacuzzi's and you're going into the drink champagne and be Tony Montana this is his way of hazing you and a jacuzzi and a fucking So every jacuzzi you see has got to be a minimum of 25 fucking years old It all comes full circle nobody you use jacuzzi's no more people jumping ice cubes and tubs or whatever the fuck they do anymore Anyway, no no what is You know what meant the rest of a big bear was pretty great. I had a great time up there. I know you did the hair was there

Yeah, oh my god every bag we had expands It looks like a big balloon as you're carrying it around. It's pretty crazy I don't know, but it was fun. It was just there's snow up there. It's snowed last night It was a good time. It's nice to get a one. You went to the zoo. What'd you eat up there? There's not much to eat up there We got chinese food, which wasn't great and then we went to this local pizza place, which was just kind of okay But we had fun. We just uh She had just finished all refinals

So just had a couple days away just to relax I don't know man. It's a really good time She's lurking around for the holidays till when She's she has she's home For like two or three weeks. I think that she's her last semester. Don't let her go back to school like the 12th beautiful Yeah, that's pretty it's uh That's a long vacation

Three fucking weeks. January 12th. That's good. That's all she needs. That's a she's a fucking lawyer. They're in training You know when you're a lawyer, you got to prepare yourself for the future. They think you you you become a lawyer to do less work Yeah, so four weeks is a fucking gift to a lawyer That's a fucking gift what they're about to run into which he's about to go into In the next 10 months is going to be out. There's no fucking days off, you know, it's It's like a comic. There's no fucking days off. That's what people lawyer should get more time off probably they work so hard, right? Well, no, you know, it's there's a lot of fucking lawyers now There's a ton of fucking lawyers, you know, so you got to go out there and hustle in your comic

Now you got to go out there and get that work You got to make that cheesy commercial You got to go to hospitals and give out cards when people get hit by a car get electrocuted Last night on the way back from the communists, I saw three fucking accidents People going into fences and shit and walls. Yeah, I saw that on tv This is the time of the year where you got to fucking drive defensively. You got to pay attention Because fucking momos are all the all the amateurs are out shopping right now and people who aren't Who aren't expert travelers, you know, you know, like when you go to the airport on Thanksgiving or

You know the day before Christmas and you know, you make that mistake of like flying that day It's like this is when everybody's out, you know Like all the amateur flyers It makes drivers, you know, because most people they just stay in all year around and they don't really like do stuff You know, a lot of people stay home A lot of new year's comedy crowds Exactly a lot of people do not like performing on new year's eve I've had the roughest to miami improv

In the late 90s was a gray club one of the first bombings I ever took on new years was that And I the headline of bomb but the beauty was I saw chris rocket boot there two days earlier By black people It was black night on monday and tuesday, you know, that's how crazy that improv was like During new year's week. It's tourism. It's different people. I think the super bowl was there Or something. No, no, no, I was too early for the super bowl was new year's eve But I was there a super bowl one time and I bombed that week with richard jenny's a college football game No, it was super bowl. I was there another time one time with richard jenny

Like in 99 the super bowl was in miami in 98 or 97 And I was down there with richard jenny and I fucking hate shit Till friday till I figured it out That this was not my usual miami fucking crowd these people were tourists That were in town for the fucking super bowl And they were staying in coconut grove at the time instead of staying in miami like the regular fucking rich people Wow, so those people are a little bit more weird. They're a little bit more christian, you know, so it's kind of Yeah, I love the whole miami comedy scene. I always thought

The miami comedy scene was really blossom big like Somebody would set up, you know, six or seven little rooms satellites and You know, hollywood is right down there till the moon goes right down there They could do like a last type of tv show down there but never really panned out and like From 2000 I heard all these rumblings how They were going to shoot all these movies in florida and then they shot like two and that was it

Bad boys, you know, they shot a couple the tax benefits need to be better The what the tax benefits in miami, but they always change every year. They go back right and forth And then they shoot themselves in the foot. Yeah, they do, you know, hopefully like florida's next state to legalize weed and hopefully, you know, people can grow in marijuana You know with the problem with florida is the same problem with california That you have miami up to west palm beach with people a hip then from west palm beach up He WKNZ

It goes fucking deep And that's the bible belt no matter how you look at that tallahassee or all that shit That's a different state. Those are white people from other places that went to retire That do not really want that riffraff in this city. So I first I was like miami West palm and fort lauderdale. Shit that law is gonna pass when I found out that didn't get legalized I was like I get it now. That's still the bible belt. It's like california california is a huge state You have san francisco You have san jose and those states up there a little thing we have up there

And then you have san diego and los angeles. What happens when you go in the five? And you leave fucking The 170 what what does it become lee cows and fields like berries you think those people voting for fucking weed? Right, you know, they just wanted they're just trying to fucking exist You know, all of a sudden we have no water and fucking LA, but we got water to grow weed Right, we got water like a mother fucking nobody else can use water unless you're growing weed Because that's what's making you that's what that's your cash cow and there's benefits I think there's pros and cons to having legalized marijuana, you know, whatever the fuck they are

I don't know. I'm not gonna count them down and tell you what they are. I really don't give a fuck I'm too high. You follow me. I mean, is it legal in california? No, so medical it's still medical. Yeah, it's the same shit. That's what I'm saying Yeah, they need to you guys need to upgrade to colorado level where you don't need to be registered And you know have some california address and get a california driver's license Just so that you can yeah, but they don't give you good when you're fucking when you're visiting and the edibles are only like 10 milligrams or 20 milligrams you can only buy 100 milligrams edibles at one time in colorado Yeah, they restrain you like a motherfucker. They don't give you the batch of debt

Because your recreation you don't visit me They're not gonna give you the sweet. Oh, yeah, they're not gonna give you that good good shit They'll not do it because you might fucking think you're superman and start take your shirt off and fly off the hotel building So they say that for the people who live in town or you still smoke, you know Listen when you smoke weed in denver, it's completely different from smoking weed at sleeve level than what it is in fucking In uh high level whatever that's called Completely fucking different It got me messed up this weekend. Oh my god two different fucking worlds really

First time I did a bong hit in colorado. I passed out Felt backwards had a get up ice on my head water seeing spots The air and I did an aspen which is 12,000 fucking feet or something And I did a bong hit thought I was Joey bananas like I'm Doug Benson And all of a sudden black the fuck out. Wow. Yeah, the air is that much thinner So it gives you a different effect when I went back to Denver this time I was really like she but you showed up and people showing up on elbows and I'm like

I'm gonna cut the level at 200 150 because I don't know what's gonna happen. I altitude my heart might go crazy You have to get what's that call when you have to get whatever it's called six weeks to get When your balance when your body transforms up in high altitude Acclimates it takes six to eight weeks and acclimates and you know what when I first went to colorado I wasn't heavy in 83. I was like a big muscle kid and I lost like 10 pounds Because you lose weight in the beginning because your heart has to beat more You're always working out for four weeks. You just walk it makes your heart beat like you're working out Yes, you can only take like a baby hit or something you can take baby hits until you get acclimated see

It's like sometimes when you like have a show where there's only like five people You still got to do that show You gotta do that show because you just take those baby laughs and then you translate them into like You know regular laughs in your head to gauge like what's working. What's not You like stand up. You like it a lot. I could see you the other night that you were really You really you're really into what you're doing and you're really good at what you do, you know For how long you've been doing? Oh my god, I love stand-up That's you know, I've always been a stand-up

I started out as a writer in my high school newspaper though And that's you know, I just naturally went into being a comedian because people were just like coming up to me every Wednesday When the paper came up, they're like, oh, I always read your columns first. They're they're so funny And I was like, thanks, you know, and they'd be like, you're so funny. You're so funny And it's so you just hear that so many times and you're like, I'm funny You know, like that's just how it happens, right? What was the first time you got on stage? um at my eighth grade talent show I was the host of the talent show

The librarian like was like, hey, you're always making your friends laugh. Why don't you host a talent show? and I was like, okay You know, so I would just like I would like take bits from like Aladdin and like recreate them I dressed up like as the energizer bunny And I borrowed my band director's like drum set From marching band and I went across the stage like as the energizer bunny I did a commercial while I was hosting it, you know So you had shit going on back then. Well, I mean like that was my first time like doing stand-up

At least you had something. Yeah, but you know, I was I was used to speaking in front of crowds every week because of the church that I grew up in And like I had to perform music in front of a congregation of like 75 people every week And also like on fridays, we would share like a testimony where you're supposed to like Reveal what sins you committed that week and like, you know, ask god for forgiveness So, you know, I was just so used to being in front of You know, a small crowd of people In this like makeshift makeshift church. What church was this? It's called ubf university bible fellowship. Is it Open or is it just korean or is it american or is it? Well, the founder was korean

And then they would recruit americ they would try to recruit north americans They're the ones that show up with a little van with the korean things on the side and pick you up No, they don't have vans. They're more like ghetto. They just have like beat down cars You know, it's very interesting and you grew up in the church So how old were you till I was 17? I left Your parents mad Were they mad? Yeah, you know what the people at the church were more mad than my parents were My parents never really said anything like hey come back

You know, but the people at the church were like, you know, you shouldn't be doing this and I'm like, why? I'm done with you motherfuckers. Yeah, don't tell me what I have to wear Don't tell me I can't wear a tie-dyed t-shirt To bible study because of like the connotation to drugs and hippie culture and I didn't know that I was just a kid It was my chemistry project to make a tie-dyed t-shirt You know, they tried to control you And they you know, they call everybody sheep They like the new recruits who come into the church. They call them sheep

So like already like you just tracked attracts people with low self-esteem, you know Who've been through a rough time in life and then they get you by like Feeding you like love bombing you they take you out to eat When like nobody else wants to take you out to eat. They like fuck what your mind, you know, it's like a cult You can't find somebody to take them out to eat. I'm a I always bump into somebody to take me for a cheese burger. Some people don't have friends I got no friends either, but you bump into people and they become friends

They're friends all in one day You know Some people are like want to be part of an organization I was watching that cnn thing and they were talking about jim jones, you know, like I don't know I was just unwinding and They were you know, you see all these people in giana, you know And they were like black white Asians, you know, I'm looking at these Okay, some of that

I'm looking at every nationality and I'm questioning this like why are you there? You know, you're white. You should have no holes in your in your game. Like I was a young kid I'm looking at the black people going you should be ashamed of yourself. What the fuck are you that black people never fall for this type of shit? And I'm looking at like this Asian people from san francisco because that's where his church was from It was from san francisco jim jones. So I'm looking at this going These people are raised like the most solid fucking people in the world. How they fall for this guai low Whatever the fuck they call them the chinese people call the white devil And you can't figure it out, but they all have the same denominator. They caught these people on the right day

You know, it's like a chick that won't suck your dick on tuesday Well, maybe suck your dick on saturday night at four in the morning, you know She won't suck your dick at tuesday at four if you bump into in the afternoon Before in the morning behind a wendy's things could happen. You know, I Right around lisa. Yeah, look at you. You're sitting there. I haven't experienced the one all rashed up with fucking a black eye Let me give her some shout outs. We'll get everybody out of here My man paul ireland My my girl brandy lee brandy lin

Merry christmas to you and your beautiful boyfriend cow walker arturo rodriguez brian west 256 luka banana Jordan lee i'll see you wednesday night At the motherfucking hung on the hong kong gardens up there in ventura And my man jay said so. I love you motherfuckers And that's right wednesday night. I'll be at the hong kong fucking gardens up in ventura eight o'clock

It's the last gig of the year before my new year's gig with rogan on the 31st If you're not doing that ventura wednesday night And you're getting ready to fucking for your family. You want to do one last hold down before you fucking tolerate 36 hours of bullshit and fucking family shit and christmas bells and bad food Come on up to the hong kong gardens in ventura and we'll rock your fucking world What are you doing christmas eve? You're going by the wife's house. What are you gonna do? Yeah, they party on They party. What do they do? They play games right? Yeah. Love terrier. Oh my god. Love terrier And then what are you doing christmas day? You sleeping over there? You're bringing it back to your crib

I don't know. I probably I'm not gonna sleep over there Well, we're gonna bring mama back or you're gonna come home empty-handed You're gonna gonna bring a she'll wake up for the real santa claus, you know I'm saying a little red you dick with a black top hat forget about that motherfucker He's ready to sling dick. He's getting his sins back. He's got it. He's got to get his you know, I'm saying Where you going christmas day? I don't know. I they're not begging christmas day But I'll probably let her sleep with her sleep over there. Sure. You gonna sleep over there. No, let her sleep over

I'll go back to my house Let her sleep over there. Are you crazy? So I forgot you christmas. They're gonna come back to the place and get that wink at What you gonna do? You're gonna bring her back. It's christmas night christmas eve So, I don't know till that's what she is for with her mom. Fuck that shit Tell her who's the fucking captain kirk of the enterprise all rashed up and shit You just caught a rash because uh, you know what I'm saying? You got a black eye in the jacuzzi You got to do what the fuck you got to do you see I gotta deal with us the

I don't know. She might want a what one and fucking grip the teeth Yeah, everybody wants to see santa All right, rather wrong everybody. What are you doing christmas eve beautiful? Um Just opening presents. I suppose Hopefully the boyfriend back Yeah, okay, so everything a humpty dory in miami. Yeah, man. And then what are you doing for new years for new years? I'm just um hanging out with family Good for you down there. Yeah, I hate I hate new years as a holiday. So I don't like going out

I don't blame me. I'm saying it's not a good night for you. Yeah people might have three cocktails and tackling or something like that What are you doing new years lisa? Yeah, I'm going to see bober You are that's right eight o'clock show seven thirty seven thirty show perfect out of there by nine thirty You're in your car. You're on the one on one north. Nobody bothers you. Yeah, I know when you're gonna go get are you gonna get uh Dumplings before you know after I maybe Let me ask you. Have you ever been to myung a myung in dumplings on olympic? No, what is that? It's a korean dumpling place, but he always makes fun of me for going there. Oh, is it good? It's great. Yeah

The bordain went there when he was yum yum dumplings. No, uh, myung in dumpling myung in dumplings. Yeah, it's an olympic Oh, um, i'm always down olympic That's korea town, man. That's korea town. Yeah, this is the headquarters of koreans in this country Is it really la is you guys didn't know that? I thought koreans were everywhere. No koreans are like mostly here like la has a thriving korea town whereas in new york is just a block Where's korea town in new york city? It's on 32nd between fifth and sixth It's literally a block

And then there's like well, that's like the mini korea town. That's like the sample It's like walk down this block if you like it come on to flushing You know and flushing is kind of like flushing flushing queens. It's like it's like chinese korean You know and fort lee new jersey too. Oh, yeah For because fort lee palisades park too. Yes. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, they run shit down there down in power park Yeah, they got good fruit places. Oh They got a place down there. I used to go to like just recently two years ago I didn't go this last trip with my wife, but this is a place you go for practice got the yoghurt

The fruit sliced nice and clean places fucking spotless Spotless my friend goes in there. He don't believe in dirt. That's how I knew nice. He keeps yeah When I was a kid I used to go up there to eat a duck Deli 666 the koreans made the best shrimp salad fucking everyone like on a seeded roll On a poppy seed fucking roll Unbelievable to slice the tomato a little shrimp salad with some salt and pepper. Who's better than you? Yeah, they invented like cutting up all that fruit and selling it in delis and I love it I fucking Lee have you ever been to a korean spa in LA? No, no, I haven't this is fun

You like jacuzzi's you should go they have like different style jacuzzi's with different temperatures like ones that You know 94 degrees ones at 103 And they have like different stones next to them I've never been tanny like I've never got a massage. I've never done anything. You've never gotten a massage. Oh my god Massages one time I almost this guy was giving you a massage so good. I almost turned around and fucked him I was like this massage is like I'm on ecstasy You know Like I smoked I smoked a joint before going in there

And where was this in shanghai? I Yeah, I know it was crazy. How many massages do you get a week? Uh, like once a week once a week, but when I was in china, they were so cheap. I was getting like one a day It was ridiculous You know what you mean? It's kind of fucking creepy. What I can't get massage. I can't close my eyes. I don't get massages my back. Fuck. No Oh, really? I don't even like my wife touching me. Get the fuck out of here

Mortician hands. I need this shit in my life. You know what I'm saying? You'd rather have a cat Like you know digging its nails in your back. No, no in my front. He would jump on my legs Like I'd be on my couch looking like I was watching you rather get attacked by all of by finney No, I don't want to get attacked by nobody. That's my fucking point. I just uh, do you ever have nightmares at your cats? Like somebody, you know that honey, I shrunk to kids zapping gun Like if somebody zapped your cats and they became like bigger, you know, do you ever have nightmares about that? Not fucking really. No wait wait. I don't agree with nothing happening to my cats. They're good things I don't want nobody zapping my cat and I don't want to zap nobody's fucking cats. You know what I'm saying?

No, I just uh, what was the question? I'm sorry. There was a question. I don't know what the fuck he was saying. I don't know Can somebody fill us in? I don't know. I forget everything like wait what the star jelly is tremendous We trip is like every 10 seconds is deleted. So what happened? I'll be the same. No, but I at the zoo in uh, big bear. We saw that there were these two leopards Just going at it like just like and I was like just watching them and they're just like a little cat I was like, these are like cats. Like do you ever like go to the zoo and just like realize Like what how crazy it is like just like your little cats are exactly the same Papa has that joke that you realize that these two cats are like fucking descendants of two fucking lions in your living room at night

You know, which is true. They're little fucking animals that somewhere along the line Somebody took and gave a hug to and they never left And the rest is history. It's it's It's my bottom one You really can't I'm i'm i'm i'm still I'm still amazed sometimes at my cats or animals in general like how you could get them to love you or How naturally they love and how good they make you feel they calm you down when you pet them

Whether it's well people they say that if you have a pet you live longer They they relieve a little bit of stress in your life because you start communicating with them And you have this connection and this bond And you can speak telepathically to your cat And they understand you You know, when I went when I went over to watch his cats a couple weeks ago I couldn't find superman, you know and I did to give him ham and you're like, oh wait go go look over by the thing under the door

And he was like, you know, you look at the time and you know exactly where he was The cool bond you guys have no, I know exactly where they are at every minute. I checked on them Are they neutered? Yeah, they're all neutered. I didn't so they're not like humping things. No They're never in heat like it just cut Cuts it off. No, they're done. They're done. I wonder if any cats get suicidal when you neuter them Oh, you know, I bet that they come home. They go lick their balls their balls are missing. It's a complete fucking You know, it's what the fuck do you do? I mean, that's a life changer, you know

I Didn't want to neuter me the but then they do a lot of crazy shit So Then they try to break out and fuck cats and now you have a problem to get more now you're more Just tames them down. Yeah relaxes them and You know, hey, listen, I'll tell you what after I lived through 90 something 2000 there was like a little earthquake in that way and I saw what it did to them So I don't like being far from them

When I got my animal, I took a responsibility where most Americans and most people got an animal At that time you just shattered a bunch of fucking ideas the shit that you want to do because I don't know how to fuck people leave for four weeks and leave their animal or something like that I couldn't fucking think Even though I had to do it I had to do it two times in my life and it broke my fucking heart The first time is after my mom died. I had a dog that I had to give up

And for a year after I gave up that dog, I would get high like once a week I would get high every night But one night I would get drunk and I'd walk over to where the dog lives And I'd break into the backyard and sit with him in the house Like I was heartbroken about this dog like I had to give this dog up not because I wanted to But because my situation changed in my life, you know And then when I got married I got divorced I had to give her the fucking dog I left the dog with a friend for a week

And did you have visitation rights? I'd dick She just used to tell me what the dog was doing and the dog passed away and uh That was the end of that You never got to say bye? No, just in my heart Oh my god, that's so sad So I know the feeling of having to give away an animal for a situation, you know

You know, you move kids allergic things happen, but people who just move and leave the cat behind or the dog behind That's fucking ridiculous to me. I never understood that shit You know, you make a mental commitment to this animal this animal puts a A certain trust in you, you know, and I walk in the kitchen in the middle of the night Like I'm home time I go to the bathroom take a piss. I'll wash my hands really fucking good I've been out all night shaking hands this shit and I go in the kitchen and I'll look around that time And I'll see if they're all right

And I Got like a decaf coffee or whatever when I smoke a ball and after I'm set One of them come over to me. I just say it was our dog And they'll just snoop around I'll touch their head. That's like the same for me and they'll disappear But about six minutes later somebody else will come out And they'll jump up and they'll let me pet them and shit. And then as I go to hug them, they'll fucking leave And then Demio see this and Demio be sleeping and he's my main guy. He'll fucking come over and Lay down with me and he'll fucking sit there with me for 20 minutes as long as I hold him and pet his head

He'll sit there for as long as I'll stick my fingers in his ears and scratch his ears from the outside He ain't going nowhere. That's a sucker for those shit But it's so weird I go to bed and I made a bomb with them Every day I focus on brushing a different one like getting them all sharped up and shit It's rough, but you gotta brush them and hold them down and tell them you love them And if you brush them with the brush alone they get angry. So you got to touch them with your hand So they feel the love from your hand. You learn all these things, you know, and it's really interesting I could write a book but alley if you brush alley

You brush alley four or five times she'll fucking put a claw on you But if you pet her in between brushes And grab her face and rub her eyes and take the dirt out of her eyes It's a different alley Demi won't let you brush him with a metal brush You brush me Demi with a metal brush or fucking bite your fucking hand though But again, if you make them look the other way and you scratch his neck and brush them gently He'll take it in it. I don't have to work them with the other brush and work double It's so weird what you learn from them. What harry I can hit harry with a two by four

He don't give a fuck as long as I brush him and give him love Harry's the only cat that won't Move harry or just tip over like the leading tower of pizza You know like when you put your leg out harry or just put his foot Put his head into your foot and just tip over onto your leg So his ass is basically on your fucking knee. He's easy to brush here. Just let you do whatever the fuck you want It's pretty interesting. I'm sorry. We ended up talking about cats the night today. Who gives a fuck at least we have What what what do gentiles call it? We had provocative conversation

Very introspective Roger. It was very introspective the conversation What I found the most interesting though and the way they referred to lee's rash They showed pity for lee's rash. No, we didn't guys like it next time don't jump into jacuzzi Never again Never again the next time make sure there's a mate around and shit something to clean up your fucking they have made Next time when you finger your asshole, don't rub your eye if it's another thing That's why I think you got that fucking shit again. You had last time in the other ride something you do

They just stuck you need another start come here. I do not need another start All right, just double checking because you're acting a little fucked up here is shit We if If you guys had the choice now like starting comedy again Would you have to start in LA? Well, we'd have to be in LA Like because I was we you guys were talking about all those comedy things earlier All like the comedy scenes earlier. I think it's better to not start in LA. Yeah, I think it's better than that start LA is like so so many comedians that live here, you know, it's like you only get three minutes of stage time

Because there's so many like don't start here. We'll not even start here But like could you can have a successful career in other cities for longer than you could like before? Like you're in Miami. You never you never know like you never know you could do You know, you could do it and everything but there's like so much industry here I wouldn't want to start here, you know, because like the city where you start in people always see You just starting out, you know, and you don't know when you're starting out You don't know what you're doing. So you don't want like everybody watching At LA. I feel like is everybody

Right, you know what I mean Well, the thing that bothers me the most about here is That if you did comedy here, you wouldn't Really concentrate On what's important. See when I start in michigan I go to an open mic. I got on stage I got another open mic. I got on stage. I got another open mic. I got on stage and the fourth open mic

As the coup comes up to me And she'll say that was a great joke, man. What's happening? How are you great? You know, what was that your fourth time? I've been doing it for eight months and You get a comedy buddy and they start talking to you, you know, and What's my next move? Well, tuesday night, I'd say do joker's wild come on down and you And you do joker's wild and then you do that for like three months and you do open mic And maybe if you get it after five months The club owner comes and says hey, do you want a host or do guest sets and you do guest sets?

And then you you know, you just do this this this more organic type development I don't want you to worry about what you don't need to worry about in comedy because If the first year you're doing comedy And you're gonna call me and ask me do you think there's industry at that coffee shop on starbucks and bevelie? You're not it's not gonna work out for you This is not gonna work out for you

What makes you go down is that you want to do it from your heart, you know I'm saying like you want to do it There's two types of comics. There's people want to be comedians. There's people want to be comedians to be famous Those people don't last though very few of them last or maybe somewhere along the line. They get it My point being that I was telling that's the cool thing you is When a comic is at the two-year mark, he shouldn't be worried about a web page or a headshot Or industry or an agent or management He should just have this organic type of like

innocent childlike comedy career Where you still have a day job You still meet your friends at 7 30 You still go do four three sets around town. You drink a few beers You leave with the waitress. You have this organic growth, man that doesn't include industry and head shots and

Well, you got a friend to do your head shots as to that's not gonna work When you feel to spend six thousand eighty, you know, I'm saying where if you're in michigan And lee takes my picture of me going like this with an iphone and I make a hundred copies. It works It works, but here they want you follow me, you know, well, you don't have a web page. Oh my god. You have to post your dates Why I'm an mc I don't gotta post nothing. I don't want nobody to know what the fuck i'm doing I'm still developing when I could start building a fucking so you'd be understood There's so many things that I don't want you to worry about

We come in tonight and we tell you and he'll tell you We come in tonight I get here 20 day We're talking we're going back and forth. I tell him listen take out this we gotta do this As the coup's coming whatever the fuck we're talking about uh One thing leads to another this motherfucker. I see him taking a paper out To tell me about an idea. He got over the fucking weekend And I just shut him down. He'll tell you he didn't even see that. I just said no

For this music and then two minutes later. You know, they asked me. What are we doing the next podcast tuesday or what? I I don't want him. Why is he worrying about tuesday or why is he worrying about an idea when we're doing the podcast? Right save that for later. I want the same thing when you're a comic I don't want you to go on stage thinking somebody from fucking Three or it's might be here or the girl from new wave or the guy from Capital entertainment. I just want you to go on stage and have a good you just need that like crunchy organic I want you to focus on what's in front of you good soil. Yes. You did it, right? You said it's a right way. You got a good base under you

You've gotten booed. You got a heck of you drove to every fucking spot in your state You featured New years christmas i've driven comedian and watch them get paid in front of me and i'm the one who drove them Oh, please Yeah, no, no, they're vicious like that. But yeah that education you need that generic education Because if not, yeah, you could come out here and got guess what man You come up with a funny eight ten minutes out here in three years And just some dumb agent walks in and sees you and thinks he can make a buck with you

And next thing, you know, you're in Montreal getting two hundred thousand dollars And now your work ethic slows down and telling you you're gonna be on a tv show. You never cut your teeth yet Yeah, you've never cut your teeth and just what how the fuck are you gonna be talking to tv execs? And let's pretend Let's pretend because you're so lucky the show does get picked up For 13 then you get a second season. Well, guess what? Now you thought you were high and mighty you kind of like you kind of left stand up on the fucking Backburner a little bit. You know what i'm saying? Yeah, now they cancel the show and there you are

You didn't do stand up for two years now. You became an annoying actor and now you became annoying acting You got to go all the way back and do it When i was growing up there was a commercial for penzole Penzole was an oil type and their motto was you could either pay me now Or you could pay me later and from that motto from that stupid anecdote I Did my career I paid my dues these people that oh, I had lined up the five years. I just look at them go. That's great

That's great. You're in for a shell shock jack I hope i'm not around to see it because i'm gonna remind you the time you told me I had lined up five years. Okay, and it could be done It's like bj peng got a jiu-jitsu black belt five and a half years All those goals could be done I'm talking about I always don't know because it's a good headliner because i'll be honest with you I didn't become a good headliner. I was doing it for 18 fucking years. I got headlining. Oh, yeah

I could do 50 minutes any fucking moron could do 50 minutes I give some girl a hit of ecstasy and three bumps of coke She'll do 50 minutes about her family right in front of us how she got molested how she went to summer camp And they did this and every fucking woman that anybody could do that I'm talking about putting together 50 creative minutes that flows And you feel a different confidence up on stage That's headlining And a lot of people really don't get that. Yeah, you know

I got it and I understood it You know when I got made a regular at the store and first thing I did was become the host On sunday nights, whether it's the first host or the second host I fought for that position. I did it for five years every sunday if I was in town I was at the store hosting watching new talent and just working out. I always wanted to keep myself hosting Even if I would headline somewhere I come back and I'd hosted at the store Because I always knew that was the most important position on the field That's the quarterback because once you learn a controller show

You got it. It's just a matter of time before all the dots connect and you start hitting home runs and now you have a career as a stand-up It's very important to keep yourself grounded anything you do And that's how I kept myself grounded here. I was at indianapolis Headlining some sea room and getting you know doing good And I come back to the store on sunday and bomb God damn it's time to fucking get back to paperwork talking to paperwork. Give me the paperwork for this thing here You wish you could just erase that from your history, right? But you can't that's what makes you that much better the next guy I gotta talk to you people fear anger stress anxiety depression sleeplessness

These things all begin in the head and they can wreck your fucking life uh But it doesn't have to be that way you can make a major difference in just 10 minutes a day This change comes to guided meditation with the new app The new headspace app headspace is a med is meditation made simple. You listen up. You're talking to me going joey What are you talking about? Let me tell you what i'm talking about When I wake up at four in the morning and I go outside I put the coffee up and I sit there I sit there for an hour. I don't put the tv on

I put a notebook and I put it in front of me with the coffee cup and I got a pen And I write down these stupid things war Whatever candles You know, and I and and I find myself crying some mornings or giggling by myself You know, I go through all these emotions And it's maybe the way I meditate It's just a little time for yourself That you don't hear nothing

You're just breathing and talking to yourself and whatever is flowing in your mind is a flow That has to be a type of meditation You just stop what you're doing and just breathe and just breathe because like we do so many things and we forget to breathe and we forget so You know, this is why headspace is meditation made simple It's guided meditations that you listen to Whenever you want wherever you want right on your phone computer or tablet Meditation is rooted into thousands of years of tradition with thousands of scientific studies that show

Its positive effects like improving focus relationship harmony and decreasing anxiety and stress Join over four million users already getting headspace for free. That's right for free right now So do me a favor download the free headspace app and begin their 10 That take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com dash joey Guys, you're laughing. I'm gonna start tomorrow. The headspace take 10 program is a hundred percent free Way to experience the benefits of meditation in your busy modern life Train your mind for a healthier less stressed life start with your free Uncle joey again free trial today at haste headspace.com slash joey. That's headspace.com

slash joey Take 10 is just 10 minutes a day for 10 days. You could do it. Anyway, you go in the bathroom You could do whatever you want. Also, do me a favor Reference and the putter combs ted talk, which has five million views It should come up in google as andy putter comb ted talk Andy is the founder of headspace and the voice you hear in the app So you don't need to put away loads of time or immigrate to tebet or all that type of shit. Just do me a favor Go to headspace.com slash joey. That's headspace.com slash joey and start your 10 day subscription on meditation

I watched the ted talk today. It's really interesting. The web page is interesting It's interesting shit man unless you go to it. Just do me a favor go to headspace.com slash joey and read around That's it start with that. All right What do you want from me Lee? Hey, it's a holiday season new years is coming. You got to show up at these people's houses. You don't know what to bring Wine is always the easiest and best thing you could do. The problem is you don't know what the hell to bring There's so many things, you know, unless you're a fucking professional wine connoisseur You walk into a liquor store. It's like I don't even know what the fuck it's like

It's like you don't know you gotta stop and ask the kid. He don't fucking know like should I get argentina chili? Yeah, and I end up and I end up buying shitty wine valley should I go local? No more no fucking more, right? This is how for 9 000 years. We've been drinking wine That's how long we've been making wine and that's how long people been confused about what wine to drink Some people get a headache after they drink wine for many of us. It's a shopping that causes a headache So I'll tell you what what the best thing to do is all right. I have a way That you could get wine with It's easy. It's beautiful and it's delivered right to your door

That's the easy thing about this. I joined a new wine club called club w it chains everything I'm not a big wine drinker, but I wanted to give it a shot for the holidays. Listen, you go They have a profile. They look at your algorithms You answer a couple questions and all of a sudden they start suggesting the wines that work for you Whether you want a fruity wine a sweeter wine, whatever the hell you want They they match it to customize your taste and they direct it right there and they they they deliver it right to your door The club w is the leading grape to glass wine revolution They work directly with the vignettes and they cut out the middlemen which saves you money and time

So a club w get premium wine Customized for a third of the price that you're paying at the store and they even have a no risk 100 guarantee that you'll love what they send you and right now club w is offering My listeners 50% off your first order when you call the club w slash joey. That's right. Stop wasting time Looking around banging your head. You don't know. Just do me a favor. Go to club w Dot com slash joey and get 50% of your first order. Okay, that's club w dot com Slash joey and all this holiday thing and they even have rush orders If you want to get a rusty house before the holidays three days away as usual honor dot com

The best new tropic in the market alpha brain again money back guarantee That's the key word. You don't lose dick. You don't like alpha brain. You don't have to send the product back They'll send you the cash that a lot money back guarantee. It's like shoplifting in the 90s Also shroom tech shroom tech immune shroom tech sport Turn around 180 it never fucking ends with these people. It's unbelievable. They have they have our kettle bells weights just go to honor dot com and uh press in church and get 10 percent off your first order again Deliver to your door and also the best E-sig in the market hitty sigs

Fucking tremendous from the cigar to the hitty cigarettes four different zero eight 16 and 24 milligrams if you want to quit smoking for the new year Usually they're 20 bucks a piece. My listeners get up to 50 percent 10 dollars a piece Go to hitty six dot com and press in joey's church and get five for 50 get four cigarettes on one cigar You won't be sorry. I want to thank club w again. I want to thank headspace again I want to thank honor and I want to thank hitty sigs. I want to thank my uncle mike, especially my girl ester joey's church cool. Who was uh, you really impressed me all night. I really uh, oh my god Thank you so thank you so much for bringing me made me fall in love with you

You asked me for the date and I said I had it available with the agustino. I took you down there I'm sorry about you sitting in the car, but you really impressed the shit out of me. So If uh, do you have any club dates you want to promote right now while you're here that you remember? Yeah, I love for you. That's just saying a couple. I mean you're a great lady. You know, we had a good time Oh, we had so much fun. Thank you so much. I felt bad at night not feeding you and I went to eat I was fucking starving. Oh my god. I was starving. I only got two eggs of bacon and some fucking wheat toast I know we were all starving, but we didn't want to stop Stop the driving January 6th. I'll be in delray beach, florida

at catch a rising star January 12th. I'm in altuna, pennsylvania And listen to my podcast. It's called coup and the gang You can get it on itunes and stitcher Is what i'm talking about. I love you motherfuckers. Listen, merry christmas from the bottom of my heart I'm at the hong kong garden on wednesday night the savage dad tour starts january 28th and charlotte north carolina Dates are coming soon and that's it motherfuckers Have a great week. We'll be back this week. Merry christmas. Thank you

Headspace's meditation made simple It's guided meditations that you listen to wherever you want Whenever you want right on your phone computer or tablet Download the free headspace app and begin their take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash joey The headspace take 10 program is a hundred percent free way to experience the benefit of meditation in your busy and modern life Start your free trial today at headspace.com slash joey. That's headspace.com slash joey Shows also brought to you by club w Go to club w.com slash joey to get 50 off of your first order

Club w is a new wine club that's changed everything It's easy. You go to club w.com and answer six simple questions And their algorithm creates a profile just for you So stop wasting time and money messing around at retail stores and start drinking wine You know, you're going to love just go to club w.com slash joey to get 50 off of your first order This show is also about to you by on it go to on it.com and use code word church to get 10% off all the good optimization products And go to hit e6.com and use code word joey's church to get five fifty six for fifty dollars

Uh Now what y'all want to do want to be ballers shock callers brawlers We'll be dipping in the bins with the spoilers on the low from the jake and the tourist trying to get my hands on So grants like horrors. Yeah living the raw deal Recall smells spaghetti fettuccine and bill, but still everything's real in the field And what you can't have now leave when you will but don't knock me for trying to bury Seven zeros over in Rio de Janeiro ain't nobody's zero, but I want to be heard on your hot 97 every day That's my word swimming and women with their own condominiums five plus fives who drive millenniums

It's all about the Benjamin's what I get a 50 pound bag of for the mutt Five carrots on my hands with the cuts and something you're gonna pick it out with the touch Drinking more liquor driving a bro figure. I'm with most sippers watch by gold diggers Rocking bejeweled in ums with gold zippers Lost your touch we kept the house popping crystals freaking the three quarter reptiles Enormous cream forest green been cheap for my team. So while you sleep i'm a scheme You see through so I nobody's never gonna believe you. You should do what we do stack chips like Don't let the melody intrigue you because I'll leave you. I'm only here for that green paper

I'm strictly trying to cop those colossal size picasso's and half poppy Look outside. They'll got those the end up with cash flowing like sosa and the latin chick Uh-huh. Yeah stampeding over pop molds never sober flex and rainbow is up here. Well, I'm in a soda Avoiding off with camcorders and shabby novice Stashing a building with this chick named Melona from Daytona when I was younger want the boner But now only your chicks who win beauty passions tricking and taking me skiing at the aspen's Uh-huh. Gangsta men's house. They poppin' crystal Violet tip all in a accouped and dark brown pinky ringing gondolas with the man singing

Italian music down the river with your chick clinging to my closet play you mad force Alcohol when you was What I want to do want to be ballers shot callers brawlers We'll be dipping in the bins with the spoilers Want to rumble with the bee, huh? Throw a heck on the whole family. Yeah Dressed in all black like the omen Have your friends singing this is for my homies and you know me for making me so sick

Lost in my six with the legs on the wrist if it's murder, you know, she wrote it For your No, you want to fill the room because it's flat and coated. Take your pick got up. You know, y'all shoulda told All that you can't play a hatin from the sideline While you ride mine. I'm a good fella kind of late Stashed his hands in the states puffy. Hold me down, baby. Only female in my crew. Then I kick you Come on Still high bills in brazil about a mill of ice will make it hard to figure me

That's my east coast girl the bent knee the twirl west coast shawty push the chrome 740 rock and red man in naughty All in my kitty cat And i'm living that i know life we push State can't go off it can't stay Listen close it's frances the prayer mantis attack with the hammer left hand If the right hand grip on the whip for the smooth yet away play your haters get away on my look So that year calls the youths on the streets man. Don't tempt me only to hell. I send D all about the Benz You