Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #343 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 24, 2015

 Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Recorded live on 12/23/2015.
   Music:  Happy Christmas - John Lennon Since Ive Been Loving You - Led Zeppelin

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to quit smoking, that's hitesigs.com and the code word is joey's church. Oh, it's just begun. The church of what's happened now. Wednesday, December 23rd. You have one shoplifting day left and you got till one o'clock tomorrow. What's up, Lisa? Yeah, I'm pumped. I don't know why that just got me in the mood. I had the best as a kid. I grew up and my dad's like best friends or had always had these great Christmas Eve parties like this Italian family and I used to go over and they used to so many gifts like they had someone

dressed up as Santa. They like they were giving me gifts like 20, 30 people. I knew them for my entire life, the Lombardos. They still some of them were with my dad in Florida. Most of them still live on the East Coast, but now the kids who were my age are taking over the family business, so it's pretty cool. What's the family business? Lombardos. They have food. Yeah, they used to be a grocery store, but now they have like a banquet hall and like a night club where that's where my dad met the guy. So it's just I was always jealous of Christmas as a Jewish kid because Hanukkah is not, I mean, it's okay. There's more nights, but it's not. You don't get presents like Christmas? No, you do. You still get presents, but it's not the first time I ever

experienced Christmas Day. My cousin married a Christian girl and I went and stayed over when the kids were like, are you young? Maybe five and three or something like that. How old were you? Maybe high school, maybe just going into high school somewhere around there. No, because that was one of the first times I drank. So probably like late high school. And Christmas morning, I never seen anything like it. They had so many toys and they were so excited that they fell asleep under the tree. They were just so happy. They were just like, they felt and they saw toys don't wrap. And I've always just, Christmas is, it seems like the best. Like there's Jewish people now who are doing Hanukkah bushes so they can have like a Hanukkah

tree and my mom hates it. Nothing pisses her off more than like a fake Hanukkah bush because it's, it's, it's not real, but it's like, it's just, you know, some people's traditions or the culture, like for example, you went to school and the kids were talking about Christmas, you're like, what the fuck are they talking about? Yeah. So you want to Americanize them in a way and you get a Hanukkah bush and I know where your mom's coming from. I'm the same fucking way a stickler about that shit, but these kids are Americanized. You have to Americanize them. Can you imagine going to school and you don't get fucking gifts? Don't do Jehovah Witnesses. They don't sell Christmas either. They don't sell anything.

So those fucking kids got to go to school next week and everybody's got new t-shirts on and shit and these kids still got their same muggy fucking clothes on feeling like, you know, so definitely understood that. I never fucking understood that religion is religion and children are children. Religion is religion and children are fucking children, you know, nothing count, you know, really, really, really, you're not going to give gifts because you're a fucking Jehovah Witness and you're a knucklehead that wants to knock on people's doors and fucking bother them. No other religion bothers you. Your fucking door, no other fucking religion bothers you. These people come to your fucking door when you least expect it. You're like just sitting there

going, wow, the sandwich is great. Don't sit here and knock and you're like, you know what, maybe I won't get it. And you're like, well, let me go get it. And you open the door and you see them with their three little fucking dudes with a chick at the bottom floor and they got their little brown case that they're going to discuss business with you like they're Trump. And what they want to do is fucking irritate you and, you know, the Lord and Jesus, you know what, man, it's fucking Monday at two in the afternoon. I'm watching Sons of Anarchy on fucking Netflix. Catch me. I had them strung out for like six months. You remember that? The one, Yeah, they kept knocking on your door when I was there. I've never seen them.

I would talk to them for a couple of minutes and then come I was busy, but you know what, come back next week and the guy would come back and knock again. I tell him again, this went on for fucking months. They disappeared. I still see them. They come to the neighborhood and they sit on the corner and they dispatch like roaches, like they sit on the corner and they fucking go all four directions and they knock. There's Mormon and then there's one that's always by the bus station or the train station. They always have that umbrella and they have like little pamphlets. Do you know who, do you know those ladies? It's always ladies and always like really dressed really well. Now they have them by the park, by the park in North

Hollywood. We used to go for the fucking truck, the food truck. I think it's the same people. Yeah, they got them there in the daytime. So you're there exercising at 10 in the morning. There's three people sitting out there in the fucking park under an umbrella, giving out pamphlets for Jesus. Stop it. Those are homeless people. Give them $5 and go fuck yourself. If I'm homeless and you come with me with a pamphlet, I'll beat you with that fucking thing. Like I need Jesus now. I need $10. Then we'll talk about fucking Jesus later. I see there's a homeless kid that lives in that park. He's a nice kid. He comes over and he's not like a pain in the ass. He came up to me one time at the Roach Coach thing and I had an ATM card and I had already paid, but I had the baby and he came

over and he's like, I'm homeless. Can you help me out, Joey? And I go, dog, I have $3 on me. I'll give you the $3. You're halfway there. You know, I got the baby and the wife of me. If not, I go to the fucking bank. I had like an ATM that day. And then I saw him another time and had to go meet somebody. Like I was in a rush and I was driving and I saw him and I pulled over and then I saw him the other day with my daughter and he came over and again, I had no cash. I just had, I was feeding the baby at the park. I took it to the fucking park to play or whatever the fuck that was. And you feel guilty. You know, especially this time of the year you see him. Listen, man, I fucking hate this time of the year. Really? Not that I hate it.

It just doesn't feel right to me, you know, and it hasn't felt right since, I don't know. I don't know. It just, uh, Josh Bacini, he's a black belt under Eddie in Chicago, runs a really great school, Josh Bacini. And he wrote a, a Facebook entry today about, you know, while you're jumping up and down, there's people who have lost a loved one or, uh, you know, just having a bad time. You know, I have a friend, Mike in Texas, who I spoke to the other day and he, he just mentioned, he goes, it's not going to be a great Christmas. You know, and I didn't want to embarrass him. So I just sent him like 200 bucks just to get, you know, a fucking sandwich or something. I know he's got a kid, you know, I know what it's like to be fucking just busted at Christmas, you know,

busted at Christmas. It's a horrible, horrible feeling. That's all. You know what the best Christmas I had was? I'll tell you my best two Christmases. Okay. When I was seven, I went to the bar with my parents. I had heard all these rumors about no fucking Santa Claus. There's no Santa Claus. There's no such fucking thing as Santa Claus. There's no such thing as Santa Claus. And I went to the bar with them and we were having a great time. And when we got back to the fucking apartment where we lived in 205 West 88th street, the fucking house was covered with toys. And I know both of them didn't leave my fucking side all night. So I really bought into the Santa Claus thing, the house. I still remember we lived on 205 West 88th street and they moved the

dinner table and put a tree in the middle living room. It was fucking amazing. One thing about my mom was she had the uncanny gift to make those holidays even better. There's some people who do that. Like they really know how to make those holidays even better. They, they really dive into it, you know, and she was one of those people, not just Christmas, birthdays, you know, little things. She really knew how to make them better. And then the best Christmas I had the Christmas, I realized what Christmas was about was the Christmas I spent in jail. Best Christmas of my life. Those are two very different Christmases. No pressure. It was really what Christmas was about. I want to see a Christmas where a family goes, you know

what? This Christmas, there's no expensive gifts. There's nothing we're going to get together. We're going to eat, but we're not going to give gifts. We're just going to eat and talk as a family. It's amazing how much pressure gifts are because that's the only reason people get upset during Christmas. Yeah, it's pressure. I fucking hate it. I went to the mall to take a picture with Mercy the other day and my wife and just walking around. Listen, the trip to New York with my wife, that was Christmas and I got a ring in New York. I told her, going in, pick a fucking ring to match your wedding band. That's Christmas. Now, Saturday, I got to go hustle for her birthday on Monday. Oh, yeah. You follow me. I go hustle for her birthday because her birthday is

on Monday, but Christmas we're adults. We've done all the Mercy stuff and stuff, but her birthday is her birthday. And I can't go Christmas shopping. It's against, you've gone shopping with me. You know, it's a fast situation. I thought I was fast. You either got it or you don't got it and there it is. I'm not going to stand here and read the directions there. Let's go. So I don't have the patience. The thing about Christmas shopping is you really have to have patience because I really know, I need to know what Lee needs and that's a real Christmas present. I hate when people give me ideas. I don't want anyone to give me any clue. I don't want a wish list. I hate it. I want to, I want to find it. Really? Yeah. See, that's what I'm saying. You're

such a sweetheart of a guy. For me, you know what? I like doing that too, but let's do this. Let me give you a small hundred. You will get it yourself. Oh, I like that. That's fine. That's too. I'm into that too. Listen, cash is a thoughtless gift, but not really. Are you with me? Like it's a lazy man's gift. Like my mom used to give me cash, but then she'd scour the face of the earth looking for something that I needed combined with something that would tickle my funny bone, like something that really make you happy to have. You carry it for four days with you. You know what I'm saying? Like that type of shit. When I was younger, I used to love gifts, but now this year, when my mom came out, I just said, like, can you help me with a plane ticket

for the next year? Because I always racked my brain for like an hour a day, like not an hour a day, but over the course of a couple of weeks, a few hours, there was nothing. I don't need any. There's a lot of stuff I would be cool to have, but I don't need anything. I would have changed your life. There's a ton of stuff I like to have. I used to put all these movies down, but now I'm like, I could just watch it online or I don't know what you're going to buy yet. What are you going to buy for? It's just, you know, mercy is a kid. You got to shop for her. Oh, the kids love it, but it's, uh, I always felt that I don't have three weeks to park, go inside stores, walk around, look, or, you know, you know, it's amazing how Amazon and Target and all those delivery people

have taken to that shit. And I'm one of those fucking people. If you could order it on Amazon, Amazon's my best friend. You get geese on Amazon. You get oversized geese on Amazon. You could get belts on Amazon. You get cattle bells on Amazon. You get a D to sneakers on Amazon. You get fucking, I get the really good catnip for the cats at Amazon. I get everything at fucking Amazon. I love Amazon, but I had an issue today where I just thought of some gifts for some kids that I was, I, I, I Googled toy store. And other than like the hipster classic toy stores on Ventura, there wasn't one. There was one in the mall, but there was no way I was going to the mall. When I, when I grew up, they had a, it's called learning express. It was a toy store in a little

strip mall. Like I love, I love Amazon and I use it for almost everything, but I do kind of miss, like just stores like that. There was a chain of toy stores when we were kids. There was KB toys. Okay. Okay. But now you have these independence that like everything's fucking $22 more. Oh, you know, and then it's not even toys that kids want. It's like the toys that like me, like a under 30 year old who wants to go vintage would get it. And that's cool. But like when I, I found something different. I wanted to get my, my girlfriend's nephew's a, a fart machine because I got it when I was like eight and that's how old they are. They didn't have it at Target. So I got them a little fart machine gun. And it's just like that, like that stuff. I like kid

toys are always the best. And I like the reason why it meant so much to me a couple of weeks ago when you said like Uncle Lee to Mercy, like I, I love, I love hanging out with kids is just being goofy and like her nephews like, like liked me last year. So I want to, I want to be like, I had a really cool male cousins who are like 15 years older than me when I was growing up. So like, I, like, I would love to be that for like Mercy. And I'm not like her nephews. It's just, it's, it's somewhat, it's fun. It's, uh, it's different when you don't have kids and you have little kids around and you really enjoy them. It's fun because you go home and they stay there all round up. You give them sugar and coke and fucking blown shotgun to their face. And there they are with their parents

like bye. Peace out. And their parents, uh, Victor, Eddie's friend had it when his child was young, like for, he was a jiu-jitsu kid and he was doing all this shit. And I would, we'd get them and he looked at us and go, don't get them started. If you're going to get them started and leave, don't do it. Walk away. But if you're going to get them started and shut them down, then you can have, he used to say in Spanish, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Which means don't turn it on. If you ain't going to turn this motherfucker off and you would never turn it off. No, we just walk away and leave them there choking kids at the fucking UFC events and shit and fucking hysterical. But Christmas is just, uh, I get it. I tell you what I like about Christmas. I like the

stucking stuff is yeah, those little small gifts. Yeah, I like all that shit. My wife gets me a calendar every year. That's the best gift I get of us. Like a certain thing that you like pictures of something. No, it's a calendar that I put in this book that she got me like 15 years ago when we first started dating. So all you have to do is just reorder the calendar now. Oh, it's like a little, uh, little notebook or something. Yeah. A little notebook. I'm fucking sad to announce I lost my fucking iPod. Oh man. Again, again, again, this is my favorite fucking iPod. Ralphie may gave me a stand from better image, learn whatever that is. Sharper image. Sharper image where you just put your podcast, the thing in there and it blasts. They don't even make those no more. So I

got to get rid of this now because that iPod was for that. Go on eBay. You could buy that same iPod event. Really? Yeah. Brand new. Uh, I don't know about brand new. Some might say brand new. Yeah, but listen, those things, those iPods, the longevity of an iPod is how many times you fucking drop it. Yeah. Okay. So they drop the four times. It might be that one drop when I get it. That that's it. So with an iPod, you got to buy them. No, you got to get all your drops in. You know what I'm saying? You got to get all your own fucking drops in. I don't want somebody dropping it four times. I bring it home. I drop it and there it goes. Fucking Elvis sounds like fucking Aretha Franklin or some shit. You don't like having music on your phone because you don't even

need to. I got it on there now. Today I went to the doctor and I put the fucking and I put Santana on and there and it was great. I brought my iPod speakers. They were fucking great. I got my iPod headphones. They were fucking great. I just, uh, when you're on a plane, I don't want to use that juice with the plane goes down. These are juice to call motherfuckers. And now I'm too busy listening to fucking Allison chains like a jerk off. Yeah. So if something happens with the plane, there I am with a half fucking juiced up fucking phone. Yeah, you know, because I want to be Joe Jerkoff and listen to music. That's why I like to differ. I like to keep everything different. But I guess it's the way to go. It was pretty fucking loud. I couldn't hear the needle

going into my arm. So it was obviously fucking pretty loud. You could hear the needles. No, it's just a fucking joke. I didn't know if you were like a fucking needle. But no. Uh, when yesterday I woke up a little fucked up over it. Like I have a child now. Why don't I feel excited? Like that's what I felt like. It's like I have a child now. Why don't I feel excited about Christmas? And last night I was having a hard time with it. And I kind of, I'm not gonna lie nobody's going to start feeling sorry for myself when eight o'clock and that's why I left the house early last night. I had to get the fuck out of the house. They were driving me crazy. No, I'm not that they're driving me crazy when you feel shitty sometimes. And it's a stupid feeling

shitty because I have no reason to feel shitty like this about Christmas. Just, it just, it's just a one day thing for me, you know, just a one day thing where I get kind of sour. So last night just left the fucking house early. And then I read Josh Bersini's post and I remember that this is a hard time of the year for people, you know, and I'll tell you, man, I had some fucking hard Christmases embarrassing Christmases where you have no money for nobody and people invite you over to eat and you show up with the fucking like a bottle of booze or something or like a bottle of wine. It's just a shitty time of the year to be broke or be homeless or be living on some of these couches. And I had all those fucking years. So I know how bad Christmas can be, you know. So

I'm gonna be periscoping a lot, smoking pot with people. Just fuck it. We'll periscope a Christmas movie or something like that. We'll periscope the parade in the morning, whatever. Just, just to fucking, you know, just fuck around. People get people. There's a lot of people who spend Christmas alone. Yeah, I was one of those people. What about the guys that spend Christmas alone? No girlfriend. You know what? If you don't get a girlfriend, I'm the second best thing. I'll show you my dick, whatever. Periscope, whatever the fuck. I don't know. Do you have to show them? No, but I don't fucking believe, you know, whatever, whatever takes your mind off that thing. I was telling Terry, you know, I was telling yesterday, and that's when I got me yesterday at breakfast.

I talked to Timmy, my friend Timmy, and his mom died this year. This is gonna be the first Christmas without his mom. So I called him yesterday morning. I told him, you know, I'll call him a few times and check in with him. And when I hung up the phone, I thought about all the Christmases that deep down inside, I felt fucking horrible. But these guys made me forget. Made me forget. You have, you have a breakup with somebody and every, you think about them a lot for the first two weeks. And one night you got one of your friends and you get drunk and you giggle and you talk to a few girls and like halfway in the night, you're like, holy shit, I'm not even thinking about it no more. Like you have to force yourself

to think about that person. That's how it was sometimes with those guys. Those Christmases, like I thought back, I think in 79 after my mom died, I spent Christmas with the benders and just people in the neighborhood. I must have stopped all by balsanos. 80 I spent with the benders and people in the neighborhood and 81 I spent with the runnies and people in the neighborhood, you know, because you would eat at your house and then you go to other people's houses and just sit around and watch a game or a bowl game or a lot of people would say, hey, you know, we're eating at seven, but at 930 people coming over, you want to come over and we go over there, maybe do a couple of bumps, maybe smoke a joint in the garage, something, you know,

I never forgot those people because they really made me forget. And I think it was till about 86 when I needed to forget about the holidays. Then after that, I started dealing with them and I started making them the best I could. Right. And then when I went to prison that year, that was my best Christmas because I realized what Christmas was about. The gifts and everything, it's something else. It's a state of mind that you're supposed to have during Christmas. And here were guys in a prison that had the proper state of mind. I guarantee that those guys were just in shock as I was. And you're in the AIDS unit, right? Well, I spent Christmas in the AIDS unit. Every guy went down and brought food. They had, you know, big TVs.

They had a stereo in the AIDS unit. The AIDS unit was in 1985. 1988 AIDS was fucking rampant and people would petrify the AIDS. So these prisoners started suing the prisons because they didn't have normal places of their own. So they had to build a unit just for these fucking guys. And it was state-of-the-art. State-of-the-art cabinets, refrigerator, I mean, all this shit. It makes you want to get the hiv. I was just going to say, it makes you want to get the hiv in prison. They had better beds. They had a bunch of better things in there. Refrigerators, freezers. They got hide shit in there. You know, two or three of them. I think there were six guys in the AIDS unit, five guys. Two of them were still

shooting dope in there. And we're like, we already have it. AIDS might as well go down. I didn't frown on them. It was none of my business. I just, they were going back. They would have lookouts. But that Christmas I spent with them, I never seen so much food. Like I was sitting there going, I can't believe I'm in prison. Okay, there was tamales and burritos and tacos and pizzas and chili and fucking a cake and Chinese food. All homemade? Or how do they get all these? A lot of people brought food in. Like your family's allowed to bring your food in a certain amount. Oh, that's nice. Okay. So we all put our foods together. And I remember looking around, there was black. There was light skin black, dark skin black, African black, white, you know, there was

Mexicans, Indian Mexicans, Chautauqua Mexicans all in the room. Now nobody had a beef. People were goofing. People were joking and men with AIDS and a gay guy. And everybody got treated with the most fucking respect. We giggled until about one in the morning laughing. Nobody at one time said, man, I wish I had alcohol. Man, let's go smoke a joint. I wish we had joint. It was just on your own merit. That's Christmas. That's Christmas. Yeah, just no gifts. I remember waking up the next morning and going, wow, that was virtually fucking painless. That's the most painless Christmas I've ever had that I learned about something. Was that like your first Christmas back into the holidays or not quite?

Like you said you, you said you gave up the holidays for a while. It's not that I gave them up. The holidays gave me up. You know, I wasn't in there giving presents. What I'm saying was it was the state of mind of the holidays. Oh, no, I'm saying it was like a nice, it was the state of mind. I remember looking down the table and seeing, you know, 10 guys giggling, eating. These are guys that are incarcerated. You know, yeah, I had like four years, but there was some guys in that room that had eight years. There was a kid that had DUI on vehicular homicide. Nice white kid. Nice white kid. Kid didn't belong in jail, but he killed somebody on New Year's Eve or whatever the fuck he did. And he was in there. So nobody was, nobody

was saying nothing. They had Christmas carols on and it's hard for the people listening to the podcast going, Joey, what are you talking? I'm telling you that it was as simple a Christmas as can be, but it was amazing how I learned about Christmas by going to prison because it was a bareback Christmas, food and laughter. And that's what it's about. It's that time of the year where you don't want whatever you're thinking about. And it's tough to say this. Whatever's going on, you have to put it aside. Do you think it has to do with like this? Cause when you were saying like your mom passed away, I had like a little mini panic attack because now my mom is, she's doing fine, but she's getting older. So and then it's getting to be more real that

eventually she's not going to be there. And I was just thinking if, if I lost my mom, like the only thing I'd want is to spend it with her. Like I wouldn't want, who cares about presents. So it was like, that may be why like, you know, you didn't care about the presence. You just liked being with people. No, man. It's just, uh, listen, I'm not even talking about a mom. You could lose an uncle that was great on Christmas and Christmases will never be the same. An uncle vetoes again, an uncle lose again, or the carbons. What's the name? Oh, the Lombardos. God forbid. I'm just saying that it's always something. Everybody has a trip. Either you do or you have something going in. We all dread that first holiday without that loved

one. And people listening today, I guarantee this three or four people listening to the podcast, maybe five that are going to go into holidays without that loved one. And you're dreading it. You're dreading it. Every time you fucking think about it, Jesus Christ, you have no idea. You have no fucking idea. But it's like I said in the documentary, when you care for somebody, a blood one, you know, and they go on the holidays or they go with holidays, they go. Sometimes your life isn't the same as far as like what I told you in the documentary. It's like it's like there's no taste in my food. There's no salt in my food. After my mom died, that's what I thought. That's what it felt like about life that

the salt had been taken out of my life. Yeah, I continue to live on. I continue to do things and do bad things and do great things and good things. But what was I saying? What after your mom passed away? That that's it. That I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about. I'm so high right now. But it's true. We forget. And I know a lot of people listen and lost one. Listen, man, it doesn't matter. You dread that fucking day. And when that day is over, you're so happy. I mean, nobody gives a fuck about New Year's. You think about that person on their birthday, your birthday and the holiday. And then there's always that one holiday that they went out of their way for. I'd say they were good on Halloween or the Fourth of July. Every Halloween, you go

fuck. She'd be here right now. Have a good time, you know? And I feel, I feel for anybody who's lost a parent. Trust me, it's not going to be as bad as you think. Say a prayer for them when you wake up that morning, spend five minutes by yourself on the side thinking about Christmas, what Christmas would have been like, and then just dive in. And throughout the day, you'll get little shocks. And at one point in the day, you might even be drawn to tears and you might have to excuse yourself. Nobody will see you do it. Just go to the bathroom and put some cold water on your face, you know, pick up your chin, pull it on your shirt and go back out there and live with it, deal with it and just hope that they're watching and they're there with you. Their spirit

is there with you. And that's what you go for, you know, for Christmas. Christmas sucks for some people, but we make the best of it. We smoke a few joint sheets, a few lobster tails or a ham sandwich or whatever. You listen on Christmas, you can make a ham sandwich. It tastes like a lobster tail. You know, just some Chinese food, but it's amazing. What are you doing on Christmas Day? You're gonna swing by? I'm gonna swing by. I don't know, because they don't do much on Christmas. Like I'm going over for Christmas Eve with them. But have you ever seen on Facebook, they have like these Facebook groups like Jerry Island and like other stuff like that. It's like just a group of people. They added me to one and I don't really do much on Facebook,

but they like, there's these people doing like a secret Santa, like they're sending gifts all over the country and like they do all these videos and like it really, it's, it's, it's cool to me because I was one of those guys, like a nerdy guy, like they all seem kind of nerdy a little bit. And maybe they don't have a ton of friends where they are, but with the internet now, like, especially what you're doing on Periscope, like, people are staying in touch now. You don't have to be alone. It doesn't matter if they're next, it doesn't matter. You don't have to be alone. You know, you have a, and that's this afternoon after I went to Perennial and bought that gorilla glue, I smoked some on fucking Periscope. And as I was doing it,

I said, wow, tomorrow, if everybody buys some weed and Friday, we'll get together a few times, we'll smoke. I read the fucking comments, I answer back, you know, we'll just do it for like 10 minutes here, eight minutes here, not to be Johnny annoying, but just to give you a break, just to give you a fucking break, man. That's it. Yeah. I'm not saying I'm going to fucking whatever, but I guarantee it's better than just fucking sitting there like, and you'll be helping me out because maybe I'll be going through my own shit at the time. So I'll say, you know what, I don't need this shit. Let me go smoke a joint on Periscope with these fucking savages of savages. So we were talking about that two weeks ago. I got up early one morning and I went to the store

and the way back I parked the car and I was talking to somebody and I ran up the stairs and I must have held my breath and I got upstairs in my world. Like I had to run to the bathroom and take my shirt off and sit and I couldn't sit. I was getting anxiety attack. This is when I used to have these breathing things before and jujitsu. When I first joined jujitsu, oh my God, I was getting these horrible anxiety attacks. So I stopped eating addables before jujitsu and I stopped smoking pot and it was sometimes it would do it to me when I was weightlifting, you know, like if I'd be doing deadlifts or something, like I'd go a little one extra and I would miss my beat on the breathing and I would get and it went away. You know, I went to see this doctor and she told me

what to say when I got those feelings and it went away. And all of a sudden, two weeks ago, it came back again and then it came back Sunday at jujitsu, but it really fucking hit hard. Yes, they're kettlebell class. Yeah, that was strange. It was weird because you like we just started and you like kind of like went to the side and like we're holding on to things. It was scary. It was fucking top. I could not breathe and the anxiety level goes up and it's been teetling. I had the anxiety attack at the store and I gotta be honest with you last night when I got to the door of the store, I got anxiety. If it wasn't for Sarah Tiana talking to me, she threw it off. Now I went to acupuncture yesterday and I talked to Dr. Amy and I told

her to stick a couple extra needles in me for the anxiety. So I had already an adopters appointment tomorrow. I was going to go talk to them and see if I had ringworm. It's not ringworm, my shoulder told me. It's just a rash. Okay. I thought, you scared me with all those diseases you fucking get. So the other day I got to stay on my knee and I'm like, that's ringworm. I didn't touch your knee. So I went to the doctor and he goes, it's not ringworm. And I said, look, Doc, let me tell you what's going on. I told him my situation. He gave me an AKG and he drew some blood this morning. I was supposed to go to jujitsu this morning. I stayed at the doctor's. I was still 1130. So I'm waiting for the results. Before I left the house, I heard the computer go off

and he sent me the results of the AKG and he says that it's a first degree something in a valve electricity because it has nothing to do with the symptoms I was saying. So that's why he called for a complete screen and my thyroid and everything the fuck out. So let's see what happens. I didn't faint. I didn't even feel the fucking needle today. Gee, this black woman, there used to be a black woman there. They used to wear a wig, like different color wigs like blonde wigs and blue wigs and purple wigs. She's not there no more. The chick that replaces a thicker wig like Aunt Jemima, like a black. She's beautiful. She's fucking beautiful. Yeah. And she's sassy and shit. Oh, that's the dog. I don't feel her fucking needles at all in my arm because she talks to you or

no, I put Santana. I only put yeah, she tells me you ready. Put your earphones on. I put my earphones on. I give him my arm and I mean she does it like that quickly. No bullshit. No chit-a-chat. I know when she comes in that bitch is ready. When she ties that fucking junkie strap around my arm. I know it's time to go down to the fucking murky waters. Didn't even get anxiety. Nothing. Oh, well, hopefully that go like with the acupuncture. It helps. But how like, does he seem worried about your heart or? No, we'll see tomorrow with the blood test. He says going to give me the results tomorrow morning. No, he sent me a thing. He sent me the results of the EKG. He goes, no, that's sleep apnea type of shit. Oh, okay. When you have sleep apnea,

wears on your heart and all those years you don't wear a machine. It really wears on your heart. All that snoring and stuff. Oh, really? Yeah. So that's why if you have sleep apnea, they want you to take care of it as fast as you can. But nobody knows they really have sleep apnea. So, you know, they just keep thinking, oh, I don't have it. I just keep waking up. I think I did when I was heavier. I don't know if I still knew. Like Paul used to have to wear headphones, had earplugs. Really? I used to snore. Yeah, I used to snore. You don't snore no more? No, she doesn't have to wear their earplugs anymore. So I don't know. Maybe it's less. Yeah, it's less. You lost 100 pounds. So it's a lot less. So that's yeah.

I used to never fall and fall asleep on planes. I'd be embarrassed. I would be like, I don't know if I, I don't know if I snore. I don't give a fuck. You pay for that plane ticket. That's your space in the air. Fuck him. If you snore, I hope you brought your phones, bitches. Everybody's got earphones now. Yeah, very seldom. That happened to me on a plane once. I got thrown off a plane. For doing what? For falling asleep and snoring on a plane so loud before the plane took off. Before the plane took off, I did one of those, like you're choking and the fucking people around me got off of the store. This came home and she's like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, why? She goes, you were just choking at that. You can't do this. What's wrong with you? And I got

sleep at this. She goes, you can't fly on this plane like this. I had done like a one day without sleeping, like one of those shows. And I get back up and I got to fly at four. It was 530 or something out of Houston. They put me on a later flight, man. They were scared. Jesus. Yeah, I got thrown off the fucking plane. I mean, I was choking the death and those days, Terry taped it for me one time and she's like, you got to hear this. And she taped it a long time ago and you had to hear this. You had to fucking hear this at night. It was horrendous, horrendous. Jesus. I was always people. I had a girlfriend with Corby once too. And I never knew people used to say you sound like you're choking. I don't people like I never woke up not being able to breathe.

But it sounded like I had sleep apnea. That's the worst. Oh, that's the food wake up. Oh, you have no idea when you wake up and you're out of air. Oh, fly off the bed and get up. So would you just like sleep on your stomach? I wouldn't sleep. I would sleep two, three hours a night. That's it. I was looking fucking terrible. I saw one of the pictures about a month ago. Terry showed me. She goes, I want to show you when we first started dating what you look like when you sleep at me. You just wouldn't believe it. You just wouldn't fucking I was really swollen. I was swollen. I was 360, 350, 360. It was 2001.

Easy 360. Yeah. Terrible health. No working out whatsoever. Not even a fucking bicycle. Nothing. Nothing. Years. Sometimes I would jump in a pool at a hotel. Sometimes. But besides that, never fucking worked out. Never walked. Never did not. Would you have used the little hoverboards if they were out there? No, no, no. That's for fucking, fucking momos. No, I don't do that. That's shit. I never did nothing, Lee. I drove to the comedy store and I drove back. That was it. My wife went to the store and got cigarettes. I stopped at 7-Eleven and got them from time to time, but I wouldn't walk. I didn't believe in walking at all.

Why not? It was just too hard. I would make Rogan drop me off in front of the hotels. I got to park over there. You're going to fucking drop right here. You better not park over there. You better drop my ass off right here. You want to be an Olympic walker? Do it on your own time. You drop me off in front of that fucking hotel. These motherfuckers used to walk a mile away and walk. Fuck you. I don't need to walk, Jack. Right there. Drop me on. Joey, but no. I don't give a fuck. I ain't walking. That was the worst part about Vegas when I was eating big because Vegas is just non-stop walking. I wouldn't leave my room in those days. It was nowhere to fucking go. Once I had the blow,

I would sit in that room till showtime and right after the show, I'd run back to that hotel, lock that door, and do fucking powder. I was in horrible shape, man. That's why that sleep happened. It overtook me that strong. I used to fall asleep and burn the carpeting with cigarettes and joints. The carpeting in that apartment, I had to buy new carpeting. Jesus. I had to fucking buy new carpeting for the whole living room. Did you ever set the floor on fire? Oh my God. Terry came out one night and caught it just in time. The bottom of it had gone through. It was just basically a lot of times I would just drop the cigarette and fall asleep for 10 minutes or something and then catch it and put the flames out. This night, it burned through the carpeting

and started burning that shit underneath. Oh Jesus. It was like from 1920, so the stuff was fucking, and she woke up and smelt it and she was pissed. I bet. At that time, there had to be guys, I'm not lying, to 40 burn marks in the carpet. What would your excuse be? I fell asleep. She knew I had sleep apnea. In those days, I used to go to bed at two and wake up at 3.30 and I was up. That's it. Up. Up. Would you nap later in the day? What nap? Why would I nap for to wake up choking? Jesus, not getting sleep is not good. No. And then I went to Little Rock, Arkansas and I fucking had to get picked up. You know, the club picks you up in the front of the hotel and goes, I'd be down at 7.45. We'll pick you up. I sat on the couch and I fell asleep

and I started making those noises. And some guy woke me up and he says, he gave me his car. He said, I'm a physician. Do you live in town? And I go, no. He goes, listen, man, we just sat here and watched you. You're going to die. That's exactly what this guy said. Oh no. He goes, I could tell by the color of your skin, you're not getting oxygen. You have no oxygen in your blood. He goes, I want you to go to the doctor when you get home. This is an emergency. You will not make the month. Really? He told me I was not going to make the month because you're choking in your sleep and he started asking me questions and he looked at me seriously in the eyes and he's like, here's the deal. You have sleep apnea, but yours is extreme.

Not to mention you're overweight to the gills. He was like, I hope you're not embarrassed by me saying this. I angry with me. He goes, you're really overweight. And he goes, and you, you just telling me that your blood pressure is really high. And I was lying to him, my God, it's like 140. He goes, no, it's not. He goes, listen, let me take your pulse. And he was taking my pulse and he's like, listen, your three quarters that you don't even know you're going to have a heart attack because every time you do that, you get stuck. Your heart does something. Not that it stops, but it puts a strain on your heart. Jesus Christ. Just in a hotel lobby, just a dog. I got home. I told Terry, Terry fucking called and she went down there with me and held

my hand throughout the whole fucking thing. Cause I kept saying, if they give me one needle, I'm out of there. And you were just going to like take it? Just be like, yeah. No, I was just going to go down and see what they said. And then they did the thing. Then they sent me in for a sleep study where you have to put the machine on, they take the air off and they see where you choke. And now they know they give you an accurate number. And then I got a machine. And I tell you, man, within 60 days, it changed my life. You have to take care of this thing. Maybe I should go get a check there. I'm brilliant. No, no, because you're losing weight now. And it's just weight around here. That really helps. Okay. It's just weight around your neck. You know, if you lose that,

you know, when you have 19 fucking next, that don't help nobody. You know, I got this little chicken neck there, but that's from being old. That's not having the fucking 18 fucking necks. My neck, when I look at those pictures, you ever see my driver's license? My neck is huge. That's the worst part about a picture. I hate it. No. So if you have the sleep apnea, you really, really fucking have to take care of. You don't know what I went through with that thing. You have no fucking idea. And now I have it down to a science. I don't put it on unless I go to sleep. I don't go in the bedroom. There's a science behind it. Like people won't use it because they they train to do it wrong. The guy that trained me, Jimmy, I still communicate with. 15 years later,

I still talk to my sleep apnea coordinator. I send him presents from time to time. He comes to my shows when I'm in Orange County. He came to Irvine. What do you do? Like, how did he help you? Because he told me the process. The process isn't just getting your machine and going home. You know, it's like the numbers are staggering. How many people go home, get the machine, get the fucking sleep study and then put the machine on and feel uncomfortable because of like the mask because the mask. Okay. And then they give up on the mask and then the sleep apnea and they get all the problems that come with it. What I did was he told me all these little things because I don't want you to go into that bedroom till you're going to go to sleep.

He goes, I'd rather you fall asleep in the living room and walk in and put the mask on than going in and put the mask on and try to fall asleep. Because if you're that tired, you're not going to give a shit if it's a little tight. Right. Oh, okay. Yeah. My dad tried it once. He said he couldn't deal with the mask. He couldn't. People can and then they either do the mouthpiece or they have to lose weight or do the surgery. You know, there's a bunch of different options. The surgery is just your two time. It takes you out of the game too long. The recovery is painful. The older you are, the worse it is. They got to open up shit. Rogan had it. But he didn't have the full sleep apnea thing. They just cleaned out his nose. Oh,

for him to breathe with him, which I need to do. I need to clean out my fucking nose to breathe better. That's another issue I have. This is what, like, what just, I don't know what they do. I don't know what the process is called. I kind of wanted to get my ears done. I think that was wrong with your ears. Nothing. Just get like the wax taken out. Well, then you got to go to a place and you don't clean your own ears every day. Well, I do, but they say don't use q-tips. They say that's bad. The mouth will. No, that's what I use sometimes, but they, like, I've seen videos. They have, like, these little scrapers and they just go in and they're like, really get it out of there. You watch videos on people cleaning their ears. What is wrong with you? I don't search it out,

but people post it on Facebook. Listen, man, q-tips suck. Q-tips are the biggest rip off ears because everybody knows a big pen is the best thing you can clean out your ears. The cap of a fucking big pen takes all the chunks out. It pisses me off. When you go home, take a shower, you come out of the shower, you fucking, the reason why I use q-tips is to take the moisture out of my ear. Excuse me. That's why I use q-tips for, to take the moisture out of my ear. So you don't get, like, an infection? So I don't get those fucking ear infections from swimming. That's what happened to me. I leave the water in there. So now I take it out. Sometimes I get in the car and I have a few fluid in my ear and it fucking pisses me to fuck off. So I got q-tips in the car and

out there. But you would never get it, like, scraped out? If it was that fucking bad, but I take care of my ears. I mean, I get pissed off when I put a q-tip in there. I see wax. Yeah. Because I just clean it this morning. Where does fucking wax come from? Where does buildup come from? See, sometimes you forget. You pull out, like, a fucking purple chunk. That shit's disgusting. But they have places now. You could steam clean your ears or something. Yeah. How much are they? I don't know. I could look it up. Have you ever done a, what's a hydrocholine thing? Like, they cleanse you? No. You would never do that? Listen, it was bad enough putting the camera up my asshole and taking the pictures for the colonoscopy to do the colonic. Yeah. That's what

it's called. Yeah. Colonic. When you stick a coffee colonic up your ass to tube and then they clean you out. I would consider it. It's just embarrassing. My ass smells. Oh, yeah. I got to bend over and let somebody put a tube in your ass. If I could do it myself, I'd do it. That's just a little embarrassing. And then seeing people comes out of your stomach. There's chunks and legs and chicken bones. God knows what comes out of your stomach with that subway sandwich. That's what I was just, I was thinking, like, all the fast food I used to eat. It might be, like, I almost, because didn't, like, Elvis had, like, 50 pounds of, like, shit. Now, where can you do a colonic around here? Where have you? I've seen it. Have you seen the sign? Yeah,

I've seen signs. I've seen group bonds for it, which kind of scare me. But yeah, I don't know. I've just thought, I've thought about it. I tell you, if you're going to do one, group bond is the fucking way. I can't, you don't think that's like, why are they on group on? Like, I want to pay, like, full price for, because there's 20,000 of these things. Listen, there's a thousand great jiu-jitsu schools, 10 of them are on group bond, even Cobrinha. Cobrinha's got one of the best schools in California around here, and he's in fucking group bond. Just to get, but you could only use it for certain classes at Cobrinha's. Oh, okay. You know, there's certain things when I got my toenails fucking blow towards to get the fungi out of them. What do you think I got the special from?

Fucking group on. Where do you go to get fungi towards? I've been to a boulevard right there in Sherman Oaks. Is it like a salon? It's a salon. It's like a tattoo removal. They do everything there. They got a blow torch. That blow torch burns everything down. No, you go in the back, you take your socks off, and they put like this air conditioning tube on your toes. Okay. So your toes get cold, so you won't feel the torch. They have a little, like it's a fire torch? It's like a little torch that like a laser. It's a hot laser that burns the fungi under your nail. And then that I'm supposed to put ointment on my nails after the shower and keep them clean and shit. My nails look like fucking dead. What happened? I don't know. I don't know what happened. So I

told the doctor today, and he says, I'm looking to give me a pill to kill that fungi, but that's what he gave me the blood test for to see if I had any fungus is what the extent of it is in my blood system or whatever, which I do. I do have a fungi. That's why you get that fungi now. There's a fungi that lives in your fucking toenail. A lot of people don't know that shit. Now you know, God sucker. I had no idea that the fungus is just, isn't there a commercial for that? Like loatriman or what? Yeah, loatriman. There's this stuff, but I'm beyond loatriman. It like fights it off. Oh God. It's, it's, it's the nail swells. Oh God. And the fungi goes under the nail and you have to get like a thing, soak your nail and then take a clip and take those things out.

And I save them fucking throw them at people on a plane. No, you don't. You just, uh, I just fucking, uh, whatever the fucking question. Oh yeah. What do they feel like? Horrid. So let me ask you a question. Cause I did not know about this. Somebody asked me the other day and when Esther coup was here, they asked me what happened. What happened? They called me. I think he just, I haven't seen a follow up to it, but the article I read said his girlfriend started periscoping and she was like, he hit me and he was like, get out of my house and, and then it cut off. But then he, I think he got arrested, but he was, he did a show. So he must've got bailed out. I can look it up. See if there's an,

no, no, he made bail. I saw something on the news that Anthony Coolmere from hoping Anthony hit his girlfriend. And I, you know, like when you're involved in something and you see it online, but you don't digest it, that's what happened to me. Like I didn't really fucking digest what had happened. Yeah, it's great. It's a, and then I, I didn't listen to all of it, but then there was that thing with opium and Jim, they were fighting about, about Anthony a little bit. So in that, he doesn't seem like he's that nice of a guy. I don't know what happened. Pender against the wall and strangled her tremendous and then stomped on her hand. No, he didn't. That's what it said on CNN.

Hmm. I wish him luck or whatever happens there. She was like a drunk sometimes. She was drunk or something. Were they drinking? Probably. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's, it was after an argument. And were they in a bar? No, they were at his house. They're at his house to see if there's anything else. Oh, I wish him luck. That's always a tough one to get out of. I had one of those. It's a fucking nightmare. Some drunk chick comes over your house. Yeah. So it was his girlfriend. Yeah. Okay. And it's not a drunk chick. I'm sorry.

And no, it doesn't. Yeah, it was his girlfriend. It doesn't say anything about drinking. That's messed up. It's happening a lot now. Did he hit her on Periscope? No, Periscope came after it. She was just saying it happened. Yeah. If you hit somebody on Periscope, you're done. They got you on fucking camera. Oh my God. It sucks. All that shit sucks when it happens. Jesus Christ. Like fighting with somebody? Oh, all that shit sucks when you have to get involved with people and then the cops come and so I feel for him. I just didn't know he got arrested and stuff. I thought he got into an altercation. That's what I had thought or read or whatever. But

what's the fucking difference? You know what I'm saying? An altercation and you got arrested? No. And I mean, we don't know the post both sides of the story. Maybe she's crazy. Yeah. Well, there is fucking, you know, there's always two sides. Let me give some shout outs. First off, I want to give a Merry Christmas to all you motherfuckers that are stuck it out with us. And if whatever I was talking about hit a chord with you, you know, I love you. And I got you back tomorrow. Send me an email. We'll talk about it. Whatever you want to do. I'm at churchgmail.com. But I want to give shout outs to Leon Constantine Reign, my main man, water box, a Clio, you know, Oki Spooky, who I haven't seen on there for a couple

days. Maybe she's in jail. You know, Oki Spooky loves you all that people and shit. The tuna number one, Michelle Guggenhand, John Wolf J, the art of combat, Misty Mayhem, JT and Jim Nunya. Jim Nunya was the one that was telling me about YouTube and all that shit, whatever the fuck happened. Oh, okay. YouTube was out when I got home. He emailed me and tweeted me and said, YouTube was fucking out. Why am I stuttering fucking mum with me? You know what I'm saying? Because we had 600 milligrams. Well, I had like 200. You son of a bitch. I can't eat 600. I'll fucking I'll go get the anxiety attack. I just wanted to, I wanted to just stick to around there for a few days just to see how long you know. You know, I'm back. You know, I never give up.

I just got to double it until I get the blood test and then we'll confirm if there's nothing wrong. I'm made. I'm eating edibles for Christmas Day, bitch. Did you ask them to like just get a THC level on your blood? Because they're doing it. You should do it. You should be like, how much is it? Leave those THC people alone. What is your infactuation with this THC shit? Leave it alone. I don't want to know what's in my blood. I don't want to know what levels are in my fucking blood. I don't know how many carbohydrates. I'm nothing. You're enjoying it if you're going to live or not. Was that better over your health or not? Yeah, I just want to know what the fuck was causing this. Maybe it's my thyroid, the medication, because the medication they give me is made from

cow thyroid. So sometimes he or sometimes they they got little cows than bigger cows. So they give you the wrong amount. So maybe that's it. So he's going to look and see what the numbers are and maybe prescribe a different thyroid medication for me to either speed it down or shut it down, whatever the fuck's going on in my thyroid. I told you what happened last night, right? At the store? Last night was fucking craziness. I'm jealous. It was just craziness. But it was something that kept me up and woke me up early this morning. It really was. The art, when people really like you, you could say whatever you want. When people really like you, when you got them sucked into

your world, you could say whatever you want. And nobody has that going on more than the guy by the name of Dave Chappelle. I have seen it before, but last night it was fucking spectacular. You know, I was sitting there with the first I got to the store and they had two special guests. They had Arsenio and Norm McDonald. Bobby Lee was on stage. Nikki Glaser was on stage. Arie was on stage. Arie was bringing me up as I'm sitting at the bar inside just talking to Jerry Rocha. Dave Chappelle walks in, he comes over, we start chit-chatting about Ohio, why he lives there. And I go sit down and next, you know, they come in, they go, hey, he wants to go on next. You mind? I go, fuck no, he's Dave Chappelle. I'm happy. I'm happy I'm here. I'm going to watch him,

you know? And because you always learn something when you watch those guys, you know? Because there's not a lot of people that I think you would let bump you. No, no, no. I'm the type of guy that I'm not. I don't play that ego shit. If you have a legit excuse, you know, and you're the man, I don't give a fuck. It's the people that come on and try to give you some story. I have another spot. No, no, no, no, no. You're going to do this spot when you're supposed to do it. That's it. And they look at you all weird and they work it out because half of those guys will tell you they got to go somewhere else. When you get off stage, they're still there talking in the hallway. Right. I thought you had to go somewhere else.

Yeah, they just called and they said they were running late. No, they weren't. You just didn't want to follow me. You follow me? You just didn't want to. So don't worry, but don't ask. Okay. Don't ask. So a lot of people just want to get on stage to showcase whatever. No, no, no. He's Dave fucking Chappelle. Okay. When I was an open riker, I paid to see Dave Chappelle in 1993 when Robin Hood met in tights came out at the Boston Comedy Club with Nick DePauw and Felicia Michaels and the fucking amazing open mark. So and then I got to work with him a few times and then I did the tour and I saw him and that's when he was like, where the fuck you been? We talked a little bond and last night we talked. So I have nothing against the guy. I think that's fucking

brilliant. Yeah. You know, and the show was so cutting edge, but nothing they have not forgot about him. Listen, I'm at the store when Lucy K goes up and I'm at the store when Chappelle Chappelle goes up. I gotta tell you, they give more applause for Chappelle and it's white people. Well, he never, I never, I never see him around. I saw him right after he came back from Africa. Well, and again, Serena and be like, be use arena. And it was, I don't even, I remember all my friend got the tickets, but I remember I was sitting in the, the one joke I remember was like, he was like, how would you like to get like $60 million? But then someone puts like a big huge dick on it. I'm like, go get the money now. I'm

not gonna, I can't do what he did. But that's like, I just, because that show was huge, the biggest show for kids. He was talking, he was talking about last night that he should have taken the $50 million. Really? Yeah. He was talking about Cosby that fucking Cosby is gangster because he's suing the bitches that he raped. You know, he said some great stuff. He's so insightful. That's what makes him a good comedian. But at the same time, it's a time he's put in. You know, he was an apprentice for a while. You know that, right? He was an apprentice to one of the funniest guys of all time. I love Charlie Barnett. I adore Charlie Barnett. Nobody has made me laugh more than Charlie Barnett. I've never even heard that name put on Charlie Barnett YouTube. And let's go to

the screen here. Charlie Barnett was a black guy from the 70s. He was in a movie called Dan with Mr. T. And I guess he was doing stand up and Michael Mann seen him somewhere and put him on Miami Vice. Let's put it on the big screen. See where we got Charlie Barnett. The legend goes that Charlie Barnett used to take Dave Chappelle with him to Washington Square Park on Sundays. When I was a kid growing up, you could go to Washington Square Park and there'd be a black guy doing comedy every week for free. That was Charlie Barnett. There you go. There you go. Check this out. And Charlie, who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? At Washington Square Park. That's Charlie motherfucking Barnett. Do you think he gave a fuck? Zero fucks. We got a nice crowd

here. I love a New York audience. I mean, look at this crowd. We're in the village. I love the village. We got a nice mixed crowd. I mean, look what we got. We got white folks. We got black folks. We got Puerto Ricans. Puerto Ricans. Puerto Ricans. We got a lot of fucking Puerto Ricans. But I'm not going to fuck with the Puerto Ricans. Do you see what I'm saying? I just gave you motherfuckers a history lesson. You understand me? You keep playing it. And when you finish, you go, okay, pasta, bro. Because I got into a fight with a Puerto Rican kid and I was winning. I was bouncing around like Sugar Ray Leonard. I was bam, bam, bam. It was only about that tall. No microphone. In the park, in the middle of the park, people. And I was surrounded

by a small Puerto Rican family of 4,000. Let me borrow it, okay? I like parker books. I love parker books. I like the way white women walk with their parker book when there's no Negroes around. I don't see no niggers. Where do you think Dave Chappelle? Do you understand me, people, what you just listened to? Everybody goes to work different. That was his apprentice. Corkation businessman. I need some white people glasses. Did they do it on the street together? Look at, yeah, Dave Chappelle was in the water. Dave Chappelle would open for him. In a fucking park. Damn, you can't see shit. That's improv, guys. In the park.

How did white guys go to work? They got their briefcase? I didn't walk just like the white man going to work. Watch this, white guys. I love when they stand on a corner and go. I put Charlie Barnett on Miami Vice. We be talking about. If you've never fucking seen Charlie Barnett, this guy, he died from AIDS. And it was something. Right there. The first one, the foot right there. This is when he deals with Mr. Castellano. Right here. Watch this. This was on the other morning and that's what you got your Ronald Reagan. You got your Liayatoka. You got your Rodo Rivera. And that's how you stay on top.

That's how you get the job done. Organization. Tremendous. This is, so I guess he saw him. Look at Charlie Barnett. He's really freaky looking guys, but I figured somebody wants to move 2000 pieces. You want to hear about it. Can they deliver? I mean, they talk like big business. That was the TV. This guy's got a lot on the basin, man. He's going to spend all his time in his swimming pool. He's going to need an underwater camera. All right, whoa. Now, maybe you're not familiar with Mr. Castellano's style. Well, maybe you're not familiar with Mr. Noogman's style. Not familiar with Mr. Noogman. Are you fucking kidding me or what?

That's Charlie Barnett right there, the noogie. So I guess, and then he got fired when he beat up Don Johnson. This guy was the real deal. Ladies and gentlemen, any other tapes of them that Charlie Barnett doing stand up? There's one of Chapelle talking about Barnett. All right, put them on. That's it. Guys, you have no fucking ideas. You have no fucking idea how strong this guy was. I had a conversation with Andrew Dice Clay and Paul Rodriguez and Paul Rodriguez said he went to see him in the hospital and that he was still fucking hilarious. Yeah, I went back to New York. I saw you in the fountain. That was amazing. Yeah, it was a square park, man. We're on Britney Spears. I quit drinking and smoking,

so I do pap work. It gets me high, you know, and they said you were here and we're best coming in right now. Britney Spears, you've been in about 20 minutes, but we didn't care. We didn't care. You were coming in and had to get you. Yeah, man, you have no idea. So you could see by the first three lines that Charlie Barnett said, where he got that little racism eyeball from, you know, when you go up in front of and when you work with Charlie Barnett all the fucking time and you watch this guy, that was what we just saw was improvised. No microphone. You know, the microphones are controlled. That's what he's doing. The reason why you have a microphone is because to show the audience is like a control.

You have control when you don't have a microphone. You're just any other swinging dick talking. He was doing that with no microphone every Sunday and Saturday. He'd do that for hours, Lee. Yeah. How long were the shows like 20, 30 minutes? I just tell you hours. Well, I thought maybe he'd stop. He'd stop. He'll go eat and and Chappelle would do time and then he come back and do another fucking 35, 40 fucking minutes. That's unheard of Lee. And they did that every Saturday and Sunday. Watson Square Park. I used to go around the corner of a place called McSawley's Ale House and they would give you three mugs for a dollar. And while I was in there, my friend would go into the park, that same park and buy Valium's and heroin and he come back to McSawley's and give him

my Valium's and he'd take his heroin go shoot it and I'd eat like two V's and drink three mugs of beer and I'd walk around, watch the square park all fucked up. Jesus Christ. That was the old days, Lee Syed. But you know what? I watched that and I gotta be honest with you. When I watched it, I'm not gonna lie to you. I had no inclination of comedy in my life at that time. I saw him and I was like, this guy's brilliant. But like in those days, when I knew about Charlie Barnett, I had no, I was a fan of Charlie Barnett's. Everybody else was a fan of, you know, George Carlin and Richard Pryor. I was a fan of Carlin's and Pryor, but I was a bigger fan of Charlie Barnett because Charlie Barnett had what I wanted. When I started getting into comedy,

then I really got into Charlie Barnett because he had what I wanted. He had something that a lot of people can't do. He could be talking to you to stand up and act and he's all the same person. Now there's somebody who's listening to this like Joey, then why act? I don't know. I like, what I mean is he put personality into his characters that he was in the movie. What the, look up Charlie Barnett on IMDB. What was the movie he was in? Fucking great movie. It's like a Mr. T and a bunch of other guys. He, Chicago Fires, The Happy Sad Men in Black 3, Gaby, Private Romeo. No, no, no, no, no. Charlie Barnett. Look him up again. He only, no, he only had a couple credits

like Miami Vice, but he was in the movie about a junkyard or something like that. He's on IMDB. All right. Press Mr. T. How's that? Okay, hold on. Let's see if Mr. T's been in. Because Mr. T was in the fucking movie with him, that movie. DC Cab. DC Cab. There you go. Charlie motherfucking Barnett. So when I saw him in DC Cab, I'm like, wait a second. What year DC Cab? Come on. 1983. Yep. Way before fucking Miami Vice. And when I saw DC Cab, I was like, this guy is doing something like he's being himself in his acting. Listen, I acted for years, and I could never be myself till I was in the Marin show. Really? Marin, that's me. That was the first time? First time I was ever Joey Diaz in the show.

Marin, that's when I was made. That's why I really liked that episode, because I got it. After fucking 15 years of acting, I got it. I learned how to put me into a role. I was always very scared. I just read the lines from the paper and did minimal movement. When I did Marin, I got it. What comedy, comedic acting is. I got it. And if you look at when I did Brooklyn Nine-Nine, I had it, but I didn't want any movement. I just sat in a chair. So I had to find ways to be it. So I just killed myself and said, how about I just don't move and just look at him and don't move and don't only move my left hand because, you know, you follow me. It's very tough to put your personality into a role. He figured out a way and he did the same

thing in DC Cab. And he did the same thing in Miami Vice, even though it was two different characters. He was the new man on Miami Vice and he was the new he, but he put his personality into it, which to me is really fucking impressive, man. I love that shit, you know, like good actors, like good actors. So what is it? What does it feel like when you're not in the zone? Like what if it doesn't feel, do you, can you not get into it or? We, we saw something this week. We might as well talk to the people about it. We saw the special this week that was shot in Vegas. Okay. You did a great job. Salami did a great job. You know, did a shitty job? Me. I know we all have to. I'm telling you, I was just talking through the motions

when you, if you were to tape Sunday night set, when people left mad and I was just up there rapping, that's what we should have tape. We have, we actually have Salami taped it. It's just like a one static shot of it though. Right. But that's, that's who I am. Maybe that's what I did on the special. That's not me. I was doing a special. I was saying the words. It takes somebody, I could have blamed everybody. I could have put the blame on a lot of things on that special, but I didn't. I wasn't in the zone. No matter what you do to it, put sound to it, whatever, we'll release it later in chunks just so they see it. We'll get a bit from it that maybe I wasn't, maybe something I said, but I wasn't in the zone. And I didn't know that till Sunday night.

Oh, after you'd already taped. I knew this going in. I knew this going in. I wasn't in the zone. I said, repeat it lines. Just what you showed me. I repeated lines. It just wasn't the zone. You're supposed to do a warmup first and then that. And I just wasn't in the zone. And it's nobody's fault. The, the, the, the last three days I've learned more about stand-up. You always learn when you watch yourself. I don't watch myself because I hate watching myself. I don't want to have a look at me ever. I don't want to hear my fucking voice. I don't want to do nothing. Yeah. But when I sat there and watched that with you,

what do you think I left here? Like my asshole was on fire because I went to the car and made notes. And then I went to the store last night and I had to follow Chappelle and the same thing happened. I went up there and I did material, but I wasn't in the zone. I didn't, I wasn't me. I was too caught up in Chappelle. It happens, man. Right. It fucking happens. It's, it was tough for me the past couple. I would have like not, not. I was really excited to, to work, to work on it. And I, I put a, like I really did. Like I thought a good job, but no, I, and I have to give you credit because there's a lot of people like you, you brought it up and Han Oswald is one of my favorite

comics, but he has a special that came out that he has a string on his jacket. And the first thing I said to you after I saw this, how, how could someone not do that? So for you not to release a special that you think isn't up to par. I think a lot of people wouldn't do that. Some people were just, it's not what I do. It's not what I do. I didn't put any thought into it. I wore the wrong clothes. I didn't have a production assistant. Somebody to walk me through. You know, we thought people were going to show up on Saturday and never showed up. They left this with a dick in our hand. You know, we didn't really have a relationship with those camera guys. So we couldn't really sit them down. We had a meeting for how long? 20 minutes?

Yeah. And they had a tiny room. All, you know, when Rhonda Rousey got kicked in the head. Yeah. When Rhonda Rousey fell and she got back up and they were talking to her. Remember the Europe Sea released that footage and they're like, do you know where you are? Whatever questions they were asking her, you know what Rhonda was thinking about? What? All the mistakes she did leading up to that fight that Sunday when she didn't meet the trainer because she was tired. You think about all the things you didn't do. Okay. And that's what happened when I looked at that special. I thought about all the things I didn't do. I reacted a lot better than I did when I went to meet Kev because that pissed me off that day. When we met with that guy,

he was telling me what I wasn't doing. Right. Okay. We did it. We shot it. And that's what the pride is. The pride would have been if we would have backed out and said, no, let's not fucking shoot it. Like I've done a thousand times. We did it. And now we were stronger and we know for the next time the investment I lost. Forget about it. It happens. What are you going to do? We'll make it up later. It's, I didn't want to put out a bad product to these people. It just didn't look right to me. Let's send it to our guy. Let's see what he looks like when it comes back and we'll make a final decision. But just from what I saw, I wasn't myself. Next time when I shoot a special, I don't want to know. You don't want to know what I'm shooting this measure. Okay. I don't want to

know. I just want to know that's cool because I just don't want to know. I could totally have it. I'm just going to give you money and say, shoot a special. Don't tell me where these are the cities. You got an option and you just do it on your own and you show up to all of them to keep tricking me. Don't just show up to one city. I just came to watch. No, shoot it because if you don't, then I'm not going to take you for granted. Okay. So I don't want to know. The best sets I've had is when nobody tells me they're shooting me. And after I do it, they come up to me and they go, hey dog, I shot that. I taped that for you. No, you did. Yes, I did. You know, San Diego last Saturday, Thursday, first show was fucking I improv for the first 20 minutes and fucking

that's the coup taped it. So she sent it to me. So do you follow mainly all these things now? And then last night following Chappelle, all those little things are going to make me better. I could look at that special as two things. Let's set it off so I can get what I recoup back, but it's not really me. Anyway, you put it, we're going to get a special from somebody this year. So I'm not really worried about it or Joe, the manager will hook me up with the people who will do the special correctly. And we'll get a live nation joint and we'll do it correctly. Yeah. But to put that out to insult people, you know, the people who are going to look at that are people who can't see me in Ireland and England and people like that. I don't want to fucking

for the five dollars. I don't want to insult them. I rather fucking just like the thing on fire and move on with my life. We'll shoot another one. That's how you do it. But I'm not going to put nothing. You know, most people release a CD every year. I release them every two years. Is it because I'm back comic? No, because I want to give you, you know, just released a CD. The CD. I love the CD. I love Savage Dad. The one before that eating pussy. That's another thing. That's garbage. I didn't really, it wasn't my best. The one before that, you were the priest. Yeah, I love it. I love it. I really do. Neither the three of spades. You know, that's a long time ago. So, but at least I'm honest. A lot of people tell you that this

is great. No, it's not, man. And not every album could be great. Nobody tells me more about bad specials than you. It's truly you. Nobody comes here every week and goes, Oh my God, I want this special. Jesus, it was bad. What was wrong with it? Lee, they shot it bad. They did this bad. Nobody, correct or no? Right? Yeah. So that's the fucking other side of this. I want to be honest with people and just saying, and you know, people ask us every fucking day, when is the special coming up? We got all this shit. We're going to shoot people. So don't never feel the Reaper. Yeah. And I'm going to finish whatever we have and we'll send it over and we'll see what happens. Maybe Netflix will pick it up. Maybe we'll add something to it. Maybe we'll dope it up.

I have no fucking idea. Maybe we can cut it down to like 15, 20 good minutes or something. Even off chopping down the 30 minutes, put it on, do a 15 minute fucking special. I really don't give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? I just don't want to release something that, uh, that they're not going to be happy with me. I want people to be happy. I want you to be happy. And most importantly, I want to be fucking happy. You know what I'm saying? Right. Speaking of happy, you want to be fucking happy? Underwear. That's what makes me fucking happy. It needs to be comfy. Snugging all the right places. It's got to look good. It's got to feel good. You just don't want to wear underwear. You just don't want underwear that are comfy. You want the world's most comfortable

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motherfuckers. I love you with all my heart and I'm happy what you do for me. Talking land. Who's the main man? If you need a fucking, uh, Uber in Vegas before the 31st or new years, hit me up on Twitter and I'll send you Larry's fucking info for Uber and we'll get you a good taking care of Uber if you go into Vegas next 10 days. All right. And that's it. Merry Christmas. I love you guys with all my heart. Thank you very much. I'm at the Hong Kong in tonight inventory. If you want to come on up tonight, eight o'clock show. They got great pork fried rice, another food. And that's it. I love you guys with all my heart. Savage dad tour starts January 28 in Charlotte, North Carolina. What, what bitches? I love you guys having Merry Christmas. We'll be

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Search, I've been lovin' you I'm a blues, my world ain't my way Watch out! I'm a blues, my world ain't my way I'm a blues, my world ain't my way Search, I've been lovin' you Oh, my tears, it felt like rain Don't you hear, don't you hear the ball?

Do you remember, mama, when I wake up on you? I said you had to learn, dear You didn't want me no longer Over my front door, in my back door slam You know I must have wanted to move, baby You never left me, never left me, never left me I've been a-workin' from sevens, sevens, sevens You didn't ever, every time, a kind of middle of a drag

Drag, drag Oh, yeah, that makes a drag Baby, since I've been lovin' you I'm about to leave, I'm about to leave, leave Just one more, just one more Oh, yeah, since I've been lovin' you I'm a blues, my world ain't my way I'm a blues, my world ain't my way