Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #345 - Jayson Thibault

Episode Date: January 8, 2016

Jayson Thibault, comedian and host of the "Punch Drunk Sports Podcast" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 01/07/2016.
   Music:  Into The Void - Black Sabbath Strong Enough To Be My Man - Sheryl Crow

The Church of What's Happening Now is brought to you by NatureBox.com, dedicated to making smart, delicious snacking easy. Say goodbye to weird mystery ingredients and start snacking confidently with NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com slash joey to get 50% off of your first box now. The show is also brought to you by Meondies. Don't start the new year in your old underwear. Make a change and head to meondies.com slash joey right now to get 20% off of your first order. So for 20% off of your first order of the world's most comfortable underwear, head to meondies.com slash joey right now. The show is also brought to you by onnet.com, use code word CHURCH to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alphabrain and

New Moon. Oh, shit. It's a motherfucking Thursday night, January 7th. The day the devil was buried at sea once in the fucking hall. First week of the year is over. It's fucking over. You're still sitting there with a finger up your ass. Why is that? I don't know even, but the church of what's happened now is always here for you motherfuckers. Crank this motherfucker up late. Keep that hoist coming, Lee. Keep it going, Lee. Keep it going. He's about to go fucking bananas here. Ride it out. And I think I'm going to go see him in February. February 26th at the farm. I think I'm going to wake up that

morning and take a hit of this liquid acid. Kick it, Lee. Oh, shit. They're speeding those Marlowe's. Kick them out of your house and shit. Kick those bad spirits out. Oh, shit. Oh, shit, Lee. Something that when Lee does acid, this is what he'll be seeing when he closes his eyes. Please don't play this song on Sunday night. Are you doing acid on Sunday night for the first time? Hopefully, hopefully. No, third time. All with him. I loved acid. Do it on the fucking podcast. I loved acid. Happy New Year, you bad motherfuckers. Joey Diaz, Jason Tebow, my main man, the flying Jew, Lee Syat coming directly from our fucking Cabania here in Oxnard, California. What's going on, brother? I'm doing great. You're feeling good. You're

looking good. I had a fucking tough to do to class today. I didn't want to go at all. Like something I'm working on this year just being more honest and direct. I right now, I hate to do to. I don't want to go at all. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. It's hard. I'm not good at it. And it's like, I like the elliptical. I don't release one on it. And I like kettlebells. But like he, Joey called me today and like, it didn't make me go, but like talk me into going. And I came up here like, I should go back to editing. Like you, you, you like gave me a talking to and I, I'm happy I went. Listen, man, it's not the big things you do. It's the little fucking things you do. When you don't, I know when you, all right, when, all right, listen, you want to

fucking quit what you're doing and do a nine to five. And that's fine. That's fine. But you come to me one day and you go, you know what, I don't want to do a nine to five. I want to take fucking photography. You have to lead a different life. It's a completely different life and people going to shell shot. What do you do now? Well, what the fuck do you do? You have to get those things and put them on coffee shops and say, you're going to sell headshots, whatever for $99, you bump into an actor or a comic, you do free headshots. And hopefully the headshots come out good. It's just constantly moving. You're like a shark. Well, along the way, you're going to get discouraged. And what happens, you need a family. And sometimes your family's not there. Sometimes

your girlfriend don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So you have this little thing. So what do you do? You go to the gym, you do this, you do that. You and I both know that we stop fucking working out. We gained 22 pounds in a week. Oh, okay. So now you have to start thinking about your future, your 28, your metabolism is already three quarters fucking cut. Yeah, I started off at three quarters at three quarters. So now what's your angle? You really mean to tell me you're going to go to 24 hour fitness for the rest of your fucking life. You know what? If you're going to go to 24 hour fitness, you might as well join a martial arts class. And that's your home away from home. That's your getaway. Every time you hear no, every time you

take some scumbags pictures and he doesn't pay you, or you know, he doesn't like the sweater he wore, you know what? It's going to be fine. Because you're going to go to Jiu Jitsu. You're going to get choked. Somebody's going to choke the fuck out of you. And it becomes a family. And now, no matter what's going on around you, because even if you're in a program, sometimes you go to a program and you leave there, you go, what a bunch of fucking whiny fucks. This is really percent of the time. This is where you go and nobody knows your business. Nobody knows you do. Nobody knows nothing. All you got to do is do hip escapes, and you're going to get stronger. And then you see people to the 60 and they got a black belt. And you're not out beating people up, but it's

peace of mind. Plus, you also see people that used to be you. Yeah, you know, you see people a year in that used to be like, man, all right, that dude talks about he remembers how I feel now. And like he has shit together. Like, all right, cool. Like, you know, you get to hang out with the people to have what you want. And it was nice. I was in a class of all blue belts, which is like the next level up for me. And one of them sat down with me because we did like a hard class, like a hard like hour and 20 minute class hour, 10 minute class. And towards the end, I just had to like tap out like we were doing some rolling. And one of the blue belts came over and talked to me. I think he thought I was newer than I was. But it was it was still my problem. What you do to has never

been the people that you did to everyone's always been nice. It's just it's hard. It's fucking hard. It's fucking hard. They're not giving nothing away. No. So what would you rather do something that's easy or something that's hard? Ari and I had a great conversation there. Ari and I talk at two in the morning. Yeah. So let's say I don't do nothing, which is noon for Ari. It's noon for so especially when he was in New York. Oh, yeah. I call him at midnight. He's just walking in the fucking door with a slice of pizza. Exactly. Three in the morning. And we were talking about when you're a comic, you go through different phases, you go through the six year phase, the 10 year phase. Now you start getting a little bit of success. What success? Not a TV show.

People calling you to giving you work. They're asking you to be a part of different fucking things, whatever the fuck it is. Money work too. Money work. Money work. Like, you know, let me be 150 bucks to feed you. Wow. Okay. That's a big show and I'm featuring for a big guy. You're not breaking the bank. You're not telling, you know, when you make a deposit, you know, they're not inviting you to the back room or nothing like that. You know what I'm saying? Like, come on back here. There's an extra paper. Yeah. No, no, no. It's just something. And all of a sudden you make personal decisions like anything else. This is like, all right, let me put it in layman's term. One of you motherfuckers opens up an iPhone shop. Joey, what's an iPhone shop?

You call in, I fix the fucking screen. You buy a case. I buy the case. I sell charges. You know, you don't want insurance. So you come to see me. And you know what? I don't do too bad at 45 a pop plus 62, 50 an hour, whatever they charge you, you know, in the glass. It's like fucking 800, 900 a day in my little fucking place. I pay $1,000 right. And guess what happens now? Guess what happens 10 years in some motherfucking moves in and does the same shit I do for $10 left down the corner. What do you do, Lee? You can't lower your price because that hill lowers price, right? I mean, what do you do? You live with it at night. You go home as a business owner. Now this motherfucker wants to open up. Now my kids going to college,

like my kids two years away from going to college and this motherfucker wants to open up now. So what do you do? You get insecure. You know, you start thinking about lighting the guy's business on fire and doing a bunch of shit, you know, but you don't think about Jewish lightening. Yeah, you know, yeah, Jewish lightening. You don't think about the essential T-boil. You don't go like, you know what? I needed that because that means I got to bring my game to the forefront. No more coming in here at 9.30. The door says nine. While you come in, you know what I'm saying? Like you yourself catch yourself. We all do. We all do go, you know what, man? I've been fucking slipping lately. What the fuck am I doing buying white bread? Like the other day, my white white

bread. And I caught myself getting, I go, Terry, what happened to the wheat bread? I didn't think you, what thing? I never said nothing. You're the one that told me that I didn't have that route. So you got the white bread. Now you bought it again. I don't understand when the fucking rules changed. It was wheat bread for the last eight fucking years. Well, that's the thing for me. And I actually wanted to ask Peebo is like, I hate change. Like I get everybody does, but I get anxiety about like, like I just finished a TV show. I had to pick a new one. I was like, I get, I was one, I was sitting at home wondering today, like, is part of the issue with getting like sober, that you're

scared of like changing like that change scares you 100%. But I think there's a great saying, which is the pain that you're in has to exceed the fear of change before you take the effort. So unless until you're in enough pain, you're not going to face the fear because the fear of change is high. So your pain level is going to be up and down right around there. But the minute that that pain exceeds the fear of change, you're not going to do shit till then. So eventually you wind up in enough pain that you go, fuck it, man, I'd rather face this fear of change than be in this amount of pain this much. Does that make sense, man? Yeah, absolutely. Like I had to get to 315 pounds before I started losing weight. I mean, like that's, that's great. And that's a human

condition. Yeah, human condition is like, I'm in enough pain that I'm willing to face this fear of change, which is huge. It's huge. You know, so addicts and alcoholics and people like that always have our level of that, you know, difference is much bigger than most people. You'll put yourself through a lot of shit for no reason. I'll be homeless. And I'll, you know, do whatever I'll be homeless and sell drugs and sleep on people's couches before I'm willing to change like normal people make a change much quicker than addicts and alcoholics do you know what I'm saying? I saw this greatly because of all the rain here in LA, they did this video series like Fox with like a couple of different homeless people. And like the two or three that they showed

were all like one was like an engineer before and one was just a good guy, but his wife died. So he couldn't handle it. And I was just like, I couldn't imagine letting some like, if Paula died or if someone died, I'd get sad. I couldn't imagine letting your life go to ruins. It just gets, I guess that's the difference with like addiction or or some it's Oh, it's not ruins. It's that it's a tough thing. What, you know, what's that expression? One man's pizzas and other man's turkey or something like that. One man. Trashes, treasure. Yeah, you know, nobody knows how people are going to handle things. He's in Turkey. My father died. My friend died. My mom died. And I'll tell you what,

I mean, you think they're really, they were devastated me the most, the divorce. Really? That divorce took four years to settle my head in anger. And another five years to get rid of pain. It was a nine year thing. Because I can't imagine how somebody feels when they're in court and this guy that you mean you killed together, you and I swear to cope together, you and I fuck the chick together in the ass and dump the, you know, just a thousand things we did together. And all of a sudden one day it ends and you're sitting in court and you're facing 25 years and Joe Diaz is looking at you, telling the court everything he said. You know what, man? If I know Jason Tebow, you think Jason Tebow is a fuck about doing time? Jason Tebow knew the life. He knew

that someday. He's Tebow's done time. He's gonna fucking do time. And he's gonna, you know, he's moving this, he's, he's shooting people. He's involved in loan sharking or whatever. And now this day has come. Do you know what Tebow's angry about? That his best fucking friend is doing this. You can't recover from that. Some people cannot recover from that. From like betrayal? That betrayal? It stings. It destroys who the fuck you are. You can't wrap. Listen, people fold when they can't wrap their heads around something. Do you understand me? People fold when you cannot. A lot of things happen to you, but when you can't wrap your hand around it, your head around it. You know, when I was 16, I could not wrap my head around the fact that there was a God.

Once I buried my mother, I was like, don't you ever mention God around? Do you believe now? Yes. How long did it take? More than ever. Same for me. Whether it's God, a Buddha, a black, a Chinese, a Jew with a machine gun, there's something out there that shows you the love of your work. And I'm not getting religious here. I'm not being a whatever. But I see it. Last night, guys, I took a fucking last night. I went through a batch of anxiety, so I stopped eating other ones. I was just smoking pot. I was having a great time. And last time I'm typing, I'm trying to write, I'm thinking, I'm drinking coffee, and I look over, there's a picture of whatever me and Terry, but there's a little thing there, and there's a cookie, a pot cookie that's been in there for

like a month. I think it was old. On your shelf? Yeah. Only Joey has like a moldy treasure. Because I gave it all away. People gave it to me. And we do get a lot of stuff. Right. So I gave it away and I left this cookie that was a strong cookie and I cut it and I hit eight half of it. A moldy cookie? A moldy cookie. And I fucking ate half of it. I threw the other half away. Then an hour later, I went back and took another bite out of the garbage. You know me, I'm a professional. And then I threw it away. What the point is, like at 10 o'clock, I was wiped out and I went to bed. I swear to God, this happened to me, guys. Three o'clock in the morning. I didn't even know what time it was. I just opened my eyes. It was dark. It was fucking freezing. I had the

blanket all over my head. It's freezing in my room. And the first thing that came to my mind was January 7, 2006. If I would have said, Terry, can I talk to you for a second? And she would have said, yeah, listen, here's the deal. I'm going to stop doing blow. I'm going to get my life together. We're going to get married and we're going to have a baby. Not just a little baby, but a cute little fucking baby. That's a monster. You know what I'm saying? There's no way she would have believed that. There's no way. I sat there in bed and giggled. And as we were walking mercy to school this morning, I go, hey, I got to ask you something. If I would have sat you down January 2006 and told you we're going to get married, I was going to stop doing blow. Not only that,

we're going to have a kid. Would you ever fucking believe we were both howling? Howling? She's like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, are you fucking kidding me? All this happened because I stopped doing blow. Like there was another world out there. I thought I was living. I thought I was living. I wasn't alive. I was dead because there was a whole another world out there that I wasn't exploring that the coke wouldn't let me explore emotionally. And I think of that line right there that's got to be a guy. You know, I lost my other daughter when she was about 18 months from 18 months to five years. It got worse and worse and worse. I was only seeing her once a week. And I feel like I'm picking up where I got taken away. Like I'm just picking it up the

supper of mercy. This doesn't happen. This doesn't happen to a guy like me. So there has to be something out there that the stars align. I love to tell you that. I love to tell you that this happened because I deserve to know this happened because I suffered. I paid my fucking dues. I paid my fines. I replaced the karma. I had fucked a lot of people and I got a fucking a little handout from somebody. When I die, I don't know who's going to be a pingo. I took Kerry. I hope it's a Jew fucking guy that got fucking like a stab in Auschwitz. He loved me. His spirit fell in love with me and now he's granting me all these good things. You know what I'm saying? That'd be great. You know, I was a guy that did a gram on the way home from the store.

That was no stranger to code. And then once I got home, about two o'clock, I waited for John. We talked about this in the kitchen the other night at the store. He took it off work and he would bring me another gram of blood. That's two grams of blood. That's $120 a night. It's a lot. That's four fucking nights, five nights a week. That's two parties of four. By myself. I did this. And one day I just stopped. Did I stop because I was a genius? Did I stop because I had the answer? I tell you, I wish I could look at people and go, I could heal you and get $100 a head for smacking in the head. I stopped because something happened up there. Somebody went like this with their hand and said, give this guy some strength.

He can't be doing this anymore. That's it. Something happened. So that's what makes me believe in God. That is what makes me believe in God. When I was 16, there was no belief. Listen, take that fucking Jew God of yours and shove him up your mother's ass. There's no God. You might as well because he took away. How come God take away somebody's mother? Fuck God. Fuck God. You know what I'm saying? That's your mentality. They break you down. Some people, when you can't wrap your head around something, it's fucking difficult. And what do you mean difficult? Especially when you're not an adult. Something bad happens to you before the age of 20.

It's very easy for you to go. You know what? Life is so unfair. I'm just going to ride it out and do whatever I want and not have any... I don't accept the ramifications of existence, so to speak. You know what I saw today? There was Anderson Cooper years ago. I don't even know where I saw it. Did a story about these gay guys and the right one age came out or was big and they were having sex to get AIDS so they wouldn't have to worry about it or HIV. So they wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. Could you imagine just giving up that much? Do people OD just so they don't have to worry if I'm going to OD? I don't know. I think that's technically called suicide. But I think people that just...

I can relate to the feeling of going, you know what, man? I'm sick of fighting. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm just going to say, fuck it. I can relate to that a lot. I can relate to... It's a temporary solution to a permanent problem and that's the problem. I can speak about myself. For me, I can be like, yeah, man, everything sucks right now. I shouldn't be drinking, but I'm going to get it fucked up tonight and I'll deal with this shit tomorrow. And then tomorrow is two years later because you wake up the next day and you feel like, shit, and you have this permanent problem. I go, well, I know there's a 12-hour solution and then it's just 12 hours, 12 hours, 12, you know what I mean? And it's like,

and that's like 38 years old and then you're fucking 41. And you're like, holy shit. And in LA, every day looks the same. So it's even trippier. You know what I mean? It's 72 degrees. It looks exactly the same. So three years can go by. You don't feel even seasons coming through. So all of a sudden, it feels like it's been four months that I've been drinking. I've been drinking for two years. It's like Groundhog's Day. And it's just like, I say, fuck it today. Tomorrow I'll deal with it. And that's like when you get in recovery, and again, I can only speak for myself, you get this intimidated feeling of like, I can't live my life day to day. I can't just be sober one day at a time. That's stupid. That's all my head says. That's how I drank.

You know, I wasn't worried about New Year's Eve on July 9th. Fuck no, I just wanted to get fucked up on July 9th. Yeah, you know what I mean? About July 10th on July 10th. So I'm awesome at doing day to day. That's exactly how I fucking drank. I could get $120 drunk with $7 in my pocket. I can't pay $120 sell bill with seven bucks. This shit is smarter than me, dude. You know what I mean? Like it is smarter than I am. It can figure out how to get $120 drunk with $7 to my name. Now, and now that I'm clean, I've been at a drink and you know, not quite a year, but a little over 11 months, I still took right now I am baffled at how to get a hundred pay $120 sell bill with $7. You know what? Now, if I was addicted to sell bills, I would be hanging out at

AT&T. I would know everybody that worked there. All of a sudden I'm on some weird employee discount. All of a sudden they're like, Hey, man, don't worry. This month's on us, blah, blah, blah. But my addiction is booze. So I know every bartender in fucking Los Angeles. I drank free at the comedy store and improv in ice house for a fucking decade. I could go there with three bucks without a spot and know that I could leave at 2am train wrecked and come home with seven bucks. How much fun is that? It was fun for about five of those 12 years. Seven of those years. It was not fun to us because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. Just getting 45 bucks, 40 for a gram and five for a bartender tip. So I drink all fucking

night for free. That's it. Just give him five bucks and all night. Just keep bringing glasses, empty fucking glasses and sipping those things down. It's funny. I get one draft beer. That's $3. I give him a 10 and I'm drinking all night for free. Draft beers. Or you know, then you switch up to something else later. Couple of Jack and Coke. Yeah, that was one. Webby's and shit. The only thing I'm the only thing I ever like romanticizes beer and whiskey. I wasn't a wine guy. I wasn't a tequila guy. You know, I drink anything you put in front of me. But whiskey and booze and beer was my shit and cigarettes. Yeah, but that's still that's still a lot. Yeah, still part of the mix and Coke. The minute like especially with alcoholics,

the minute you find cocaine, your clock starts ticking, your doomsday clock, because I could I could drink 12 drinks, stagger into a bathroom, do a line of Coke, come out sober. And then everyone's like, how is this guy standing up? Yeah, exactly. It sobers you up, really? I mean, you could you could be, I didn't want to say, probably a lot of accidents will be happening after I say this, but you could have you could be obliterated, drunk, do two lines and probably drive home safe if it's within like two miles. I could drink like a motherfucker. I could drink those Budweiser cans. Oh, yeah. Like they were going out of style when I was doing Coke. That's how you know I was doing blow. Joey's fucking down

in those things, two sips, a can of Budweiser. Is that what you put on the way you think? I could always tell you were doing coke because you would always sweat a lot. I would sweat. If I saw you not on stage, you didn't even have a spot you're just coming through to say what's up and you were sweating like Mike Tyson in the spelling bee. And I wouldn't even be doing blow and I'd be sweating on stage. It was so in my system. Because it's like your condition to associate that with I wouldn't do blow till after I got off stage. Once I got off stage, then I would do it because I learned early on I couldn't function very. But then your body starts associating blow with a set. No, no, no, no. Okay. Okay. I thought you would go on stage

and you would like I would go on stage. You know, when you do blow four nights a week, you're always high. Yeah, you're always high because even if you're even if you're day off, you're still cuckoo for cocoa. So I would the next day, I wouldn't get sober till like six. And then I would just get sober enough. Like not I wouldn't be getting high all day. I wouldn't do anything all day. I'd be smoking pot. I wouldn't drink or anything. Yeah. Once I got to the store, I'd get my package, put it in my top pocket. And as long as I went on stage knowing the packages in my pocket, everything was going to be all good. I'm good to go. Now, what if you had a set where you didn't score yet? I would still do great. Okay, I just was just when you're you off. No, no, I wouldn't

have the time somebody didn't have it. I would go to my other guys. I would go to El Compadre on the way home. 50% of the time, 50% of the time I went down there with nothing with the intention of I'm not getting nothing down here tonight. The Sunset and Gower El Compadre or the one all the way around Hollywood, the one in Hollywood and then the one where there was one all the way on the other side. But the Hollywood one. This is the one over here right by the guitar center. And then I had the Martel Cartel. I had no meaning. I had four different dealers. So I would all before I left the house, I'd already had the money in my pocket. And I already had the wheels turning. I was going to bump into one of them. And then the worst case scenario, Sergio.

And I bump them for two of that fucking cut. That fucking cut that was terrible. But it was funny. You were talking, I learned from people, man. I've always been the type of guy that look at people and see how people recover from different things. For a long time, I would meet people and they'd say, this is my nephew. His name is Tony. And I look at it and they go, he's 16. I look at the 16 year old and I go, could he go through what I went through at 16? And I look at people and I get sad. I get sad for years. I can relate to that. Look at how young that kid is. No wonder I'm fucking nuts. But when I was 19, I met this guy, sweetheart of a guy. He drank three beers and hugged you. But he was in love with this girl.

He had been with her. If I was 19, this guy was maybe 22. He drove the bus to pick you up when you went white water rafting at the bottom of the river. He was from Minnesota and he had a bunch of friends out here and he had moved to Minnesota with a girl. He had moved to Colorado with a girl. And I would talk to them and they had been dating since they were 14. They were each other's first, whatever. And they went to Colorado and everything was fine. They were in the apartment with a bunch of other guys and they partied. They were young. I was on the first floor. So I would hear them. And I became friends with her when we played tackle football. And I was in Colorado for the first year. And just before I got to leave,

there was a rumor going around that they broke up. One day I saw him and I could tell he was a little weird and I asked him, hey man, how you doing? He goes, you know what I mean? Kiehl's broke up. Yeah, I'm so sorry to hear that. And then I heard rumblings that she had started dating a guy in the apartment. So she left. That he lived in. They all, it's like me, you, Lee grew up together. It was 13 of them in a three bedroom house. And what they did was, what they did was they all wanted to ski. When you're 20, you'll do things. When you're 20, you'll go, wait a second, Joey. So if I give you 150 a month, that's my corner right there. That's how minded. I don't give a fuck. As long as I can put my skis outside and ski

and maybe bar 10 once a week. I'll take the couch. I'll take the fucking couch. When you're 20, so this, I went up there a couple of times. The place was spotless, but in that apartment, you know, it was like 12 people, three bedrooms and a living room. And I bet the one guy had a tent outside and fucking interesting shit. And there were nice kids and they had parties, but I watched this guy. I watched this guy and he was a dead devil. So in the summer, he drove. How old are you at this time of year? I'm 19. Okay. I'm 19. I'm a dishwasher. Comedy is not on my horizon by no means. Right. You don't think that was on my horizon was crime. There was no other thing on my horizon. I used to get drunk and do creepy fucking shit back then. I would get

drunk and do a line of coke and burglarized places when I was drunk. It was fucking creepy, but it's crazy. I always picture you as older in Colorado. No, I was 19. I was a kid. I was a kid and all of a sudden I left. And when I left, I kept in touch with people and they'd always tell me to do what happened. This motherfucker hit him to recall. The dude that you cheated on. Like, okay, so the guy that your buddy. Okay. So my buddy and so now there's rumbling. So I leave Colorado and I keep in touch with this kid, Mikey and this kid, Jimmy. And every time I talked to him, I said, what's going on with this guy? And the dog, we forgot to tell you, he caught her in bed finally one night with the dude. And it was so traumatizing for him. But I had to get his number and call

him and go, Hey, man, how are you doing? He's like, you know, I never he never. And I remember that I don't want that guy can't wrap his head around this. This is too much for him. That's pretty crazy. 14 years old from 14. Now they were 21. And they were just gonna get married and have kids and go back to Minneapolis. And now she leaves him for a guy in the apartment. Not only that, he walks in one night and she's on top of him bouncing up and down. Oh, that would make sense. He packs his bag, he moves out. Okay, he gets an apartment. He's getting eaten alive. One night she goes to a bar with a bunch of girls. And they all go into different cars. She goes into a car, she's going to a car, she reaches, she feels a hand,

grab her ankle. He was hiding under the car. She put a restraining on, but she put a restraining on him before this. He wasn't violent or anything, guys. He just wanted to know why. That's it. I remember calling him and he was crying. He's like, oh, I want to know why. By the time I got back to Colorado, he was drinking four or five nights a week. And this guy was a good looking blonde dude that was built. He could get pussy the next day. He had no prom personalities, smile, always smiling, cracking jokes, never had a t-shirt on. But it's only a pussy ever knew. Yeah. You know, and now he had to readjust. And guys, I saw this guy's demise in front of me that his parents had to come from Minnesota,

pick him up and put him in a mental health in 1987. This went down in 83. How was he at the time? He was 21. And by the time he was 25 or 26, his father, his parents had to come get him and put him like in a fucking psychiatric ward that always messed with me because he couldn't recover from the her pussy. And I get it. I never know what happened to him. You know, I talked to one of the girls and I said, what ever happened to big money? You know, like, you know what? He went to that place and he was in there for a year, supposedly. And it was all because he wanted to know why. The shock of him seeing that woman on bouncing on top. And guys, this girl, I think they put me in the mental health facility too.

Really? She was no job. Yes. She was thick, she had black hair, beautiful face. Big tits. Just a body and a half. And she ended up, she lost it too. She ended up sounding blow for a while and some shit went down. But it's amazing how he could not wrap his hands around it. And I saw it. Guys, when I went back in 84, 85, he was 80 pounds heavier, sloppy, body odor, saying weird shit. I'm not joining the fucking service and he wanted to go over. What was the big war, Beirut? In what year? 86, 87. Yeah, that's probably Beirut. He was talking about Beirut, going to Beirut and shooting motherfuckers. I mean, this guy was a peace-loving fucking American

wholesome one day. Six months later, right here, he doesn't give a fuck. His mom came and got him and had to take him back with the father and like a jacket strapped. You know, and that's it. And it's how he dealt with it. You know, I think they would have wrapped me in a jacket if I didn't have my friends and the drugs. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's, but I, you know, what was harder to get through the drugs or the divorce? The divorce. Really? More than co? Listen, man, when somebody fucking takes it. More than anything in your life. That was the hardest thing you went through. Yes. Yes. The divorce destroyed my inside. Why do you think that is? Because listen, I accept, I accept as a man, I accept that you're not in

love with me no more. Sure. I accept that. What could you accept? I was in love with her. I couldn't accept her taking a child's love and switching it around. I couldn't accept how lack of control. Her parents were these people that went to church seven days a week. They donated to the church. When you went over there, they spoke of the church. They were fucking great people. You know, she was raised in this home that I would have given, I would have given my hand to be raising this home. I was telling McBenton Court the other day, I love Mc, when we were kids, you know, there's people who came from a mom and a dad family with sisters and the dog, and they had the station wagon and the summers they went to Florida and they lived like normal people.

Then you had kids like us that were missing a parent. Same here. The mom's drank. And you know what? You watched the Waltons and from time to time, you said, you know what? I traded my mom in to live with the fucking Waltons. You know, when I was younger, you know, my father was, was a big drinker. Both of my grandparents died from, from addiction or disease one way or another. I've talked to my father in 20-something years. Chod molester used to fight me like a man when I was seven. Like I had a, I saw shit by the time I was seven, I saw shit most people shouldn't have seen. And then, you know, luckily for me, my mother left my father for a woman. So I was raised by lesbians from like early 80s, you know, still have lesbian, you know, parents. You know,

I was 12 going on 34. You know what I mean? I had seen shit. You know, I've been to more funerals than, than weddings even today. You know, I've been, I was going to AIDS funerals in the 80s when like, you know, and I was 12, 13, you know, it's like you grew up in that. And so you, I don't know, I think certain people get to see a little too much at a younger age, you know, and it sounds like you can relate to that. I always tell people that I'm jaded. There's parts of me that are very much jaded. I'm jaded from that early age because, you know, and I know Michael Jackson made this a big thing in his life that he didn't have a childhood. You know what, man? I didn't have a childhood. Kind of didn't either? Because I didn't want a childhood. When I was 13, playing

fucking battleship was not what I wanted to do. When I was 10, it was not what I wanted to do. Agreed. So I always felt very insecure that I was only the rest of the kids. I've told on this podcast a thousand times being 12 or 13 and all these kids in the neighborhood telling me about, man, you got to watch this show, sound alive. Mr. Bill, Samurai Night Fever. And I went home once and said, this isn't funny. I'm not laughing one fucking time. I couldn't fucking figure it out. I was thinking about the kids. Even though you have this people who live their life trying to be cool. Sure. They just everything is they do everything they like the music everybody else likes. They like to fucking close everybody else likes. I grew up with this kid, Jose Rotado.

We both his dad sold a ton of blow. My mom owned the building. So my mom rented the apartment to him upstairs. Yeah. And I would hear my mom's rumblings about the old man. And because my mom and we were all friends, he would come to all my parties as a child. Jose Rotado was a nice Catholic boy, like a Spanish Catholic boy that was decent. But Jose, when we guys at the same age, we're about the same age, a year apart. When we were about 13, one day I saw Jose and he was completely different. He went from being a Cuban kid to a want to be white kid with a Rolling Stones t-shirt on and and he always had a beard. And then he got caught robbing a car, you know, by the time by the time I was 17, he already had a resume. Like people were talking about this guy and I

felt bad for him. I knew something was bad about him or good. No, no, people already told he was crazy. He was fucking crazy. I got you. But he was just overreaching. Like I always knew he was overreaching for these fucking guys because he had the same problem. Everybody else said, I was Spanish in the fucking 30 kids. I was the only Spanish kid. So you don't know where the fuck your head is at. And he was in the same position, but a different neighborhood. Right. Jose and I bumped into Jose every five or six years and he always had heavy drugs on him. You know, I bump into him like, you know, pills, two monols, anything that was out there. And he always had three of people, like three fucking idiots with him. And he was always like the

lead, the lead idiot, like giggling. Right. You know, it was just one of those guys. And about a year ago, one of my friends says to me, Hey, man, has he friended you? And I go, he's fucking alive. Where'd you bump into that fucking recently? Yeah, a year ago. And he's telling me, I bumped into him. He was, he was standing out of pain. He was outside of a pain clinic, like waiting for pills. He's still fucking crazy. So he goes, he's on Facebook. So about a week ago, I went on Facebook and looked at the stack. He didn't change. Like it was the same guy from high school. Every picture is him with a beer cup in his hand and a cigarette in the other hand. That's why I didn't want to be with some ugly chick. That's why I'm afraid of being sucked a thousand dicks missing a tooth.

So, you know, I mean, you had to see these and they're all at like shitty. That's why I couldn't do that. I could. Oh my God. That was me, too. Me, too. He was at a bunch of like, like, oh, shit concerts. Like, let's say, you know, the old shit band gets together like three and they have a show like in Roswell, New Jersey. Last reunion. Yeah. But they have one last year and we'll have one next year. Yeah. He's there with eight guys and he's every picture. He's got a beer can in his hand. Like to show everybody that he's partying. If you find yourself at a fork in the road, you could either guaranteed you're going to be that guy or I guarantee you you have no idea who the other guy is going to be. And that's the fear that we talked about earlier, which is

is the pain of becoming that guy greater than the fear of the unknown. And that's the fork in the road, man. Take that left turn. Don't become that dude. You know, we're all of his friends, the same high school friends. No, you're not with these creepy people. And they're all probably younger than him. He all those people like that scared me. Like I used to live downtown at one point I stopped hanging out with downtown people because they would sit together in a circle, listen to music, smoke cigarettes, and they all had they all developed the same goofy laugh downtown L.A. or downtown dinner in Jersey back in the day. And they would blow smoke out of their mouth and laugh and they all would do it the same. And they'd go like

and they listen to the boys are back in town by thin Lizzie and my blood pressure would go up 60 over a fucking thousand because I hated that song. These losers couldn't pick up the fucking flu. And they're sitting around. Oh my God, it was an anthem for these goofballs. When you hear it, does it give you chills? When I hear it, I listen to the first verse just to get pissed off. Really? Like if I'm in the car, guess who's back in town today? The white-eyed boy. Oh, you motherfucker. And I'm always on the 170. Like I'm always going from the 101 to the 170. Why do you hate it so much? That song because it's like an anthem for knuckleheads. Because it's like an earmark of a book. Like it's like an anthem for knuckleheads. The boys are back in town. You ever hang out with guys

like that? The boys. What the fuck do you do that? You're the fucking boys. The boys are back in town. Where were you in prison? Where'd you come back from? The fucking home? The tunnel? When I see guys that love that song, I automatically feel bad. I automatically feel bad for their significant other. It drives me fucking crazy. It drives me fucking crazy. I feel bad for their girlfriends because they're just like at home just like waiting for a black eye. Is it like the guys who like go to Vegas? Do you like go to club in Vegas? No. No, it's a certain breed. More than dog track. It's four guys that get dressed up and like two of them really have nothing going on. Trust me. I was part of that crew for years. It's like short club during the day. And the boys

were not back in town. Okay. The boys were not back in town. They never left town. From 83 to 85, I would go in and out of North Bergen. I thought it was cool to go in and out of North Bergen. What's the worst person? North Bergen is where I grew up. Okay. And I would go in and out of North Bergen. I go to California for a month and come back. I would go to Miami for three weeks and come back with a pound of blow. I would do different things. A pound of blow. And it's in the back of my mind. Like at that time, I didn't think about it. But I felt like I was trying. I don't know. I was like trying to create a for and I wasn't. I just didn't fucking like living there. People always looking for me. I was always in trouble. So I always had like burn somebody,

leave for a while and then come back and trouble like you owed people money or we robbed some and the word out that it was us. It's just fucking craziness. You know, you look at people who you don't want to become right. It's part of it. That's a huge part. It's a huge part of change. It's like when you go to you're intimidated to hang out with people that have something that you want because you don't think you're good enough and you don't belong in that circle. So you continuously like I was more always more content being the guy hanging out with a bunch of dumb fucks who I was like, well, at least I'm not as bad as this guy. You know, but then slowly you become that guy that everybody else slowly you be like my biggest fear. I was like, I was like,

I don't want to be the fucking 50 year old at a Coke party, a bunch of 28 year olds. Remember how much you when you were 28, you hated that fucking guy. You had to hang out with him because he had the fucking Coke. I was slowly becoming that guy and then I became that guy where I'm the guy, you know, with a bunch of 24 year olds and and I got a fucking eight ball and I'm hanging out with these people just because they'll hang out with me because I got a fucking eight ball. But I know they're talking shit about me behind my back because I used to talk about shit, talk shit about that guy behind his back. When I was 22 and I go to a bar, I feel old number one. That's crazy. That's already crazy. There's always four or five guys that are four in their

40s. And I look at them and go, what the fuck are these fucking losers doing to me? Yeah. Why are they fucking here? Yeah. Well, I'm that age. I wouldn't it's like when I go to a weed store and I see a guy my age with a ponytail and like a Led Zeppelin shirt on. Right. And he's still talking about great for that or something. I want to shoot myself in the fucking leg. I really do. I'm like, what the fuck are you thinking guy? Go get them. Go mend the sweater. Go go go play shuffleboard. Anything's better than still talking about this shit and wearing it on your shirt. It's fucking embarrassing. Like I'll tell you what people drove me crazy the most when I got locked up. There are cliques of people that sit together every day and talk about the prisons they've

been to. Lee, you have to see this as like in prison. There are people that are prison elitists elitists and other people look like I've been to San Quentin dog. You don't need to know about San Quentin. I've been to sing. Shit. I've been to sing sing C block. And all of a sudden the guy's like, yeah, I know this guy and it's hysterical. When they're like, yeah, I know Lee up in C block. You know Lisa yet? Yeah. Oh, they name dropped. There's name drop. Yeah. I party with that fool. I party with him a couple of times too. The guy up there, one-eyed Louis used to get his heroin. We sell the cotton balls and you're sitting there and they're telling about the jails they've been to. It's like that scene the longest you're in the beginning when they go away. You're from Kansas

state. They got nice mattresses there. Like people actually say, oh my God, the pancakes at the correctional facility in Illinois are to die for the chocolate chips. The chocolate chip ones. Yeah. Like you want to actually commit a crime in that thing to fucking eat the chips. It's fucking crazily when guys would sit around and brag about the different prisons they were at and talk about the guys they knew. Like they were like fucking PhDs. You're talking about a guy that murdered three people. Like he's like this great philosopher. Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking retarded? Are you fucking crazy? And then they show up. There was like, why was that? There was maybe 200 fucking losers and maybe eight people who had a chance. I'm telling you this. I would

look at them and go, this guy will be back in jail in a month. Yeah. You could just tell like they did not have a chance. There's no way they would cope with society. Do you ever drink toilet wine? You always hear about that. No, I didn't mess in fucking prison. I didn't fuck as a coke as a coke guy. What was your your like opinions or thoughts on meth? Like because you're a coke guy. I was a coke guy when I got locked up. But once I got locked up, I was done. I was like, I ain't doing no drugs in this motherfucker. I'm not doing no drugs. I went to the county JLP people getting high in there doing heroin, smoke, smoking weed and do nothing. I went to diagnostic and diagnostic drugs were everywhere. It was crazy. What does diagnostic mean?

Diagnostic is where you go and they look into your brain. They tell you that you're fucking a thief or they take your blood, they stick a finger up your ass, they make you cough, they fucking do x-rays on everything. They take your fingerprints. They take psychological tests, math tests. You take every test that could be thrown at you. That all goes to the feds. The feds have everything on you now. How smart you are in algebra if you could read them right. And then they put you through a point system. Do you have a high school diploma? Were you working at the time of your arrest? Were you renting? Were you owning? All those things are point systems when you go through the system. So I was doing great. And all of a sudden they sent me to the camp. And once you get to the

camp, that's where you start hearing rumblings. There was a lot of drugs. Nobody was smoking weed because they drug test you. So you had to do shit that went to your body quick. So a lot of guys did heroin acid you could do because they had to have a test for acid and speed. They didn't get speed yet. It was coke, heroin, pills and marijuana and alcohol. The speed guys knew that if they drank water there was something. So I'm in there two months maybe and the librarian was a nerdy guy that killed his wife and her husband for cheating on him. The librarian was an inmate. The librarian did a small do from Buffalo and one night he told me you want to get high on acid and we got some acid. We traded with somebody because I had the storage facility. Like liquid or tabs? It was

like blotters. So me and him stayed up all night outside the librarian told stories. And the guards were walking by like you guys because I never stayed up. You were supposed to be in your unit but you could watch TV and they're all fucking night. You know what I'm saying? They didn't give a fuck what you did all night. It was lights out. Okay. What was in your TV in your room? Right. You could stay up all night reading. Nobody else saw the light in your room only from the outside. Okay. And once in a while guys got up and they hung in the front of the unit to smoke. So the library was right across from the unit out of the station. So I would go over and sit on the stairs and he would smoke and we'd talk shit.

I didn't smoke that. What was it like to do acid in prison? Like did you freak out? No, not at all. We just giggled and told stories. You got acid a lot by that time. Yeah, but I hadn't done it. I wasn't an ass. I stopped doing acid in 86. You can't get addicted to that. The last time I'd done acid was 85 in San Francisco. Everything after that was just straight cocaine and whatever pills I get my hands on. So it was 87, 88. And we did a hit of acid and that was it. But then I met this guy John Clark. John Clark was a white dude. John Clark used to gamble. So he'd always talked to me about gambling and I knew that the black dudes were scared of him and a lot of the biker white dudes were scared of him. He wasn't affiliated with nobody. He had

tats and shit, but he was from the East Coast. He was a real Philly guy and I would like he had been in jail for so fucking long. I would go for what? For what? Like murder and some fucking assault and he was just a badass. So people knew who this guy was. So this guy used to just talk to me. He'd come in the kitchen and talk to me like they had a job picking up garbage or something. Right. And that's how he was getting the drugs into the prison. So in the mornings, he come talk to me about the sixes or the he was a real sports fan, but he liked my accent. He used to tell me dog talking to you takes me home because then I call my father you make me sentimental when I talk to your dog. So he's like, and then one day he would tell me, nah,

when my girlfriend comes on Sundays, she brings the speed. I shit it out Monday morning. And then I snorted Monday and Tuesday, but Mondays we went to a gym to play basketball. So this went on for a while for like two months. I was friends with John and we exchanged food. He put bets in with me. He bet the cards. He loved gambling and he was just a degenerate gambling. He would be 50 cents a card. He bet 10 cards, 20 cards. He'd buy a card and he would still lose. That's how bad of a loser this guy was. But we became friends, man. He was a solid dude. And one day I go over there. He's like, come over there. He went to a line of speed. I'm like, fuck yeah, I'm not going to turn this motherfucker. People would die to hang out with this

guy. And here I am talking to him like, and I knew he hated spits and niggas. It was one of those things. Like he was one of those KKK motherfuckers, but dog, he wiped his hand when it came to me. He even told me, he goes, buy my fucking rules. I can't be hanging out with Cubans, but you get, you're the bomb diggity. Like I was friends with a dude who ran, I was friends with a dude who ran a kitchen and you couldn't get to this guy. This guy was an old Italian monster. People would die. He had his own customers. And John used to say, dog, I heard the guy cook, but he wouldn't even talk to me. I said, I'll get your food from now on. So whenever the guy made nachos or chili con carne or whatever, I get John hooked up. John loved me. So on Monday, John would go,

come on over, let's do a line of speed. Dog one night, I went with him to play basketball. That was a complete different experience. I forgot all about that shit that you can't run on speed. What happened? Oh my God. You know, what do you think happens? You already had a hundred and thirty five beats per minute. Fucking heart attack. I'm out there running. So I realized there's not enough. You're already running on speed. You're already running on speed. I would jump up into the middle of the marathon. Here I am in prison playing hoops on fucking speed with John Clark on Monday fucking nights. So you think you're going to die? I thought I was going to die, but I never played hoops again. But I would stay up all night, Tuesday on the fucking speed,

go to work Tuesday morning and then like in the afternoon, take a nap and I was fine. Back in the day when 88, this was speed. It was still speed. It wasn't meth yet. Back in the day before pot was legal, when everyone still had a guy, you had a guy, you'd go there, you'd buy a fucking, you know, you buy a gram, you know, or, you know, you'd buy, you buy an ounce and then you'd had seven guys going in on an eighth and then you would get your eighth for free. I mean, that all fucking scale. Yeah, of course, classic, classic. And I'd spray with a spray bottle to make the water go in there so the weed would get heavy. Yeah. And I'd spray, I would spray Tebow's double. So by the time he got home,

the fucking weed would disintegrate. He'd wake up in the morning, but when he went to bed, there was this much weed. When he woke up, there was this much weed. What the fuck happened to my weed? You know, and you pinch, you know, you pinch a little bud from each of the sevens, your eighth was heavy, or whatever. Back in the day. So I would go to this guy and this guy had, he was like a drug dealer for every, you know, he had everything. You go there, there'd be dudes, they were clean and like M16s, two dudes clean and M16s, you go there. You know what I mean? You're like, oh shit, he's like, yeah, man, this, my buddy just paid me with these two guns for like, you know, a half a pound of Coke. You know, he always had some other shit going on, but he was

my weed dealer. So I used to get Coke from him. I used to get Valium from him back in the day. And he used to sell Coke and Valium at the same time. Like you can get like a, if you got like an eight ball, you give your four Valium also like weird shit, you know, shit, you shouldn't be taken together. But I remember going there, he goes, you know, I got like a, I got like an ounce of weed and he's like, you want to do a line? You see a line cut up on him. I thought it was a blow. I'm like, yeah, man, I'll do a line of Coke and then go home and I'm good. Do it. And I'm like, oh shit. About two and a half hours later, I find out it was math. It's the only time I've ever done it. Man, man, it was like doing 30 lines of Coke. I was high for six and a half hours from one line

of this shit. Like Coke, you're used to doing, you could do it, you can get off, you can do a couple lines and you go, you can tap out, you can tap out when you're doing Coke. I did one line of this shit because I thought it was Coke. That's the only time I've ever fucked that shit. But I was like, oh yeah, I could see people getting fucking dicey on that shit. I did it one time in West Virginia. I followed some dudes to a cabin. Did you know that's what it was? No, I asked them, they were in the back from snorting it and I said, hey, can you get to them? They go, no, we don't have no manners. But if you want to follow us, we drove fucking 45 minutes to a trailer. I'm like, this ain't right. I get there like 50 bucks, it comes out with like a lump and I go, this ain't

Coke. He goes, nah, this is speed. I still did it. You know what I mean? We drove it now. I'm doing it. One time I did it in Idaho. They put you up the funny bone in Idaho. You used to put you up in this old-fashioned hotel and it would creak. The floors would creak. Oh, Jesus Christ. Like Old Wood. Oh, I did a lot, but they had showtime so I could jerk off all night on the speed and then one night somebody gave me the bottom of a bag at the comedy store and I did the line and it was speed and I was, it set me off though. I ended up doing like 15 grams of fucking blow that night. I went off deep. I used to go deep. It's like days. What's the longest run you've had? The worst run I ever had in my cocaine career started on a Friday night.

Three days for me. And it went till Monday morning and I dumped maybe 20 grams. I called the cops twice on myself. I didn't let the dog out the piss. Did the cops come? The cops came. What did they say to you? What did they say to you the second time? The first time I told them there was a burglar and they went around the property and looked and the second time they said, can we talk to you for a second? They go, when was the last time you got sleep? How much coke have you done? Really? Yeah. And I go, was it the same cops? Yeah. Yeah, of course. No, it was him and a different one and I owned one of them. He switched partners. One of the guys. He's been high so long. Let me tell you how fucking high I was. Let me tell you how goofy I was that night. I started

on a Friday. I called the cops Saturday and I called them again. Monday. Sunday night. Okay. Sunday afternoon. It was daylight out. Okay. At that time I had the coke inside the sink where you put the disposal where you could pop it. Oh yeah, yeah. In case the cops came I would put the thing up and I would take little rocks and crawl and I had on. It's a good hiding spot actually. Oh my god. I had a porno. No, no, I did not have a porno movie. I had one of those freaking movies that somebody shows their pussy and I would whack off to that. It was just a horrible disgusting drug weekend. But no, no, it didn't end there guys. I called the cops Saturday at like 11. Then I called the cops again Sunday and that's when the one cop came in and he goes,

you really got to get your life together. You know, you can't keep calling the cops on yourself and shit. What did I do? I got a six hour sleep and I walked to the police station the next morning still because just because you don't have coke and just because you slept six hours doesn't mean that electric is still in your mind. Yeah, man. Just making you make bad decisions. What did I do? I walked to the police station and said there was a burglar because I finally walked around because I was a house sitter. Okay. And I had this big fuck. So was it even your place? No, but they had an extension to a garage. When my girlfriend was there, I did coke in the house. But since I was alone that night, I did it in my apartment over the garage. Okay. Okay,

then I can't take it, but then I called the cops on myself wisely. How far away was the police station that you walked to? Three blocks. Walked in and said, I'm sorry about the other night. The cops like, what were you thinking? But one of the cops at that time, he tapped on to me. He knew I was crazy. He was crazy. You know, we had, we were talking about dirty cops this week. This is one of my experiences with a dirty cop. Dirty in what sense? He got high. I sold him coke on a few occasions. And then he came to him and then he goes, Hey, listen, I know that you like guns. Yes. What if dirty? Definitely dirty. I could give you guns that we have no history on. You could sell them. No way. Oh,

fuck. Yeah. So he was just pulling people open and clipping their guns. What year is this? 87. Okay. What percentage did he take? A what? The guns. Bro, he would show up in my house once every three weeks with four or five fucking guns, brand new fucking letters. How would you split the money? I would trade him coke. So he would tell me, what do you want? What do you want for five? So he's paying for coke with guns. Give me three grand. Give me three grams of coke. I give him three. You know, he comes to my house and leave with a half ounce of coke. I take four or five guns from him. Wow. Fuck. This was, this is, this is a complete and then this was, this is crazy. I was flat broke guys. I was

flat fucking broke. Okay. And I went and my friends came out to visit me and we were talking shit and they, and at that time an Aspen cocaine was 1800 an ounce. My friends came out and said, we're getting it for eight. And if you buy 10 ounces, we'll give it to you for 650. And it's 90 fucking percent right off a fucking rock, but you have to take a plane. So 1800, they want it for fucking 28 grams. So for a $200 plane ticket, you make 600 bucks. For a $200 plane ticket, I'm paying 650. I'm making, I'm making a fucking 100. I'm making 1200 fucking dollars per ounce. And I'm not even, and that's without cut guys. And that's not in 2015. This is, this is 1986. I'm sitting. So that's like three grand basic.

I'm making six, seven. I got no reason to lie to nobody. I'm making six, 700 a week in a video store. I'm stealing two. Okay. I'm making, you know, I'm selling a half gram here. I shared an apartment with a girl. We ate out every night until we know we started cooking. We realized we couldn't fucking eat out normal. That's how I'm experiencing all this shit. We used to eat out every night and go to dinner and we cut that shit out. And one day these guys come out to visit me. I'm cleaning sober guys. I'm cleaning sober a year and a half. And they come out and I start pounding. These are my friends from Jersey and they're telling me that they're fucking got motorcycles and trucks and the one guy had eight trucks and here I am in a video store making 800.

So I go, wait a second. So if I go back there and I pick up, let's pretend nine ounces, which is a quarter key. If I pick and then those days, the guy was like, you just put it was a key back then. It was dirty. It was, I think what's, what's a kilo of 34 ounces. So a key in those days, I don't remember. It was dirt cheap. It was, it was, it was by that time. It was before Reagan sent the troops to Columbia to Columbia. So they were stuck. They had so much cocaine, cocaine everywhere else in the country was fucking cheap. But in Aspen, it had this high price tag on it. So guys, I had no fucking money. So I went, I knocked on Lisa, I had store. Lee, I know you a long time. Yeah, let me talk to you about something. You told me once your grandma

left you some stocks and some bonds. And you also told me that somebody died and left you some money. I'm not looking for a loan. This is what I'm looking to do. You want to make some money? Give me $5,000 at eight o'clock Tuesday night. And by Wednesday night at eight o'clock, I will give you back $6,500 and three and a half grams of fucking the same coke I'm getting. That was the deal. I was cutting people. So I go to three or four or five people, put whatever package I need together, $9,800 or something. I forget what it was. I forget the numbers. I know that I had to take like $10,000 and I would go and I would already have customers lined up. I'd already go to Lee and go Lee. Come in for a second. What are you paying for

when I'm paying $1,800? What if, what if tonight I give you the ounce of the best coke you got for $1,350? Okay. Cash. Okay. And on the plane, on the way back coming from Aspen to the guy's hotel room, I'd be fucking cutting the coke with three and a half grams of taking eight ball out, Bob and the dog at the end. You know how much money I used to sell it before it landed? I would sell it before it landed. Sometimes I get a down payment from the motherfucking Lee. Listen, you want two ounces, right? And a 20% loan in 24 hours. And that's what I would do. I just knew how to make people money. So I would just keep contacting people. Oh, you want to do it again? Yeah, fuck. Yeah. What if I told you you can make 500 a fucking week off

me, Lee? Every fucking week just lending me money and free cocaine. Are you fucking kidding me? You would do it every week? Every week. I was flying back on United Airlines. Could you imagine doing that? Now you probably like set off an alarm. You probably like, like they probably be like, why is he got nine German shepherds in his back pocket? Yeah, but the whole thing is looking now I do comedy. If I was a greedy dumb fuck on Thursdays, I would take an extra suitcase on first class filled with Cheeba chews or stars of debt. I would pack them up. If I was a greedy dumb fuck, and I had no respect for comedy on my family and some for like 20 bucks a piece, I would make a killing. Did you did you watch Narcos? Yeah, loved it. Yeah, I'd have Tebow in New

York with a menu. Like Cheeba chews, I got them here for 22. They're paying 30 in New York. Made of them. And then but I but see a guy like me, I'm a Cuban Jew, I contact Cheeba chew and say, dog, what can we do? I didn't tell him what I'm doing. I'm just telling them, I'm going to move volume for you. Yeah, I'm going to move. What do you need to move 22 boxes? What can you do? Well, I give them to you for 1650. That's a different part of that. You save three bucks a box, but you're moving that many boxes. Sure. Fuck, man. People on these coasts will buy those by the fucking box. This weed we smoked tonight, this debt we smoked tonight. Right. What are you kidding me? These fucking stars of debt that my main man gave me, these fucking star one, these things,

it's three for 25 hours, these 200. Yeah, expensive. Okay, those are expensive. They're fucking expensive. You could trip with your money in New York and people pay. How much pot is in one, like one of those 200 milligrams per star? He's a special filly. They're like 52 milligrams. Yeah, no, no, I hear they're like 20. They don't do nothing to nobody. No, it's really fucking weird how that's how I made a living. So every week, but to get to the point of the story, there was this one guy that kept lending me money. He was all in this fucking guy. This guy. How did he have his money? He was, I think his dad gave him money and he was a wannabe monster from Detroit and his sister was married to a dude who owned a pizza parlor. He was a jack-off and a half.

This wasn't the guy you saw the mafia membership to, was it? No, it was one of his friends. I saw the mafia membership too in Snow Masters. What does that mean? This kid can't bother me. Hey, do you know anybody in the mob? Do you know anybody in the mob? What does that even mean? Listen to me. Like, could you ask somebody that and it's not even a legitimate question. Well, this is how retarded he was. He kept asking me, how do you know anybody who'd get me in the mob? I went to like a fucking store and I got like an application. Dog, T-Bo, you have no father. I was doing it as a goof. I thought he was actually going to look at me. Is he young? He was my age at the time and he had watched every mafia movie from 1920 on. He

was a white kid and he kept bugging me. I told him to fill it out and put his name and number relatives. The kid put everything down. Social security. It was fucking crazy. And this is all, I'm doing this on my own. This is all, this is all the mind of Joey Diaz. When this kid showed up with two grand, I took this was like a set. I kept going home and I go, I want to go to fucking jail. This went on for like six months. Every time I'd see him, he goes, dog, nobody contacted me. Are you fucking crazy? I just talked to Louis from the Bronx. He's still a bite. He said, they're going to send you a plane ticket so you could do the whole thing in the ceremony. This could, it was fucking crazy. But this wasn't the kid. This was a kid that I never found out about this

till later on. So when I was going downhill, I went to him for a big amount. I already had a hook at him. So now I'm going to burn him. So I said, listen, we're going deep. We're going to buy 15 kilos and he's like, you knew he'd go off the diving board with you. I knew he'd go off the diving board and I took the money from those guys like on a Tuesday and I snorted all the coke. There was no trip. I just hid. Like I used to disappear for 24 hours with the money and come back that Wednesday. That fucking Tuesday I went. And because by that time I wasn't really flying back anymore. I got lazy. I was getting too high. I would get paranoid and not get on planes and shit. So I was just buying it locally, but I still had my customers. I was just cutting the coke

and telling the people, you can't sell to me for 18. You got to take it down to like 14. I'll sell a bunch of it for you. So finally I got into such a deep hole and it was the week of Thanksgiving 1986. Guys, I had been on a fucking two month run. This girl I was living with who turned out having Jackie, her mother, wasn't even basically talking to me. All I was doing was going home, giving her money and giving her coke and leaving. I was going to Kato's house. I had a couple of other broads. I had a room in a hotel. A guy that ran security gave me a room at the hotel for me to put a scale and coke in there. That's the shit that I mean of like, I can get $120 drunk on $7. It was in that world and that world is your priority. You get these weird hookups

that most people don't understand unless you fucking have been an addict one way or another. And I would give him coke and he worked security so he would stay up all night and he would watch the hotel and I'd go into that room by myself and jerk off and fucking take showers and whack off in the shower and crawl and hide and it was horrible. And then I would go back to this apartment with this poor girl and one Tuesday they gave me like, I fucking have no idea guys. I musta ran came up with like, I usually came up with like 15 grand. This time I came up with like 30 grand cash. Guys, I paid off like $15,000 that I owed and I bought like $5,000 worth of coke and I held on to 10 and I fucking went to a friend's house. That's another level. This was another shit I

used to do. I would go to Lisa at house with Paula there and go, can I talk to you? And you come out and go, what's up Joey? Here's $300. Give me a favor. Get the fuck out of here. Take your fucking girl from here. $300. Really? Yeah. Go get a hotel room for $50. Come on. Yeah. Get the fuck. Let me get your apartment. I was so paranoid to get high in my own house or even hotel rooms. I would go to my friends and go, how about I give you $300. Just let me use your apartment for tonight. What are you gonna do? Nothing. I'm gonna drink, smoke pot and jerk off on your couch by myself. That's how fucking bad the addiction was. Yeah. I can relate to that. I made plans for Thanksgiving because Thanksgiving was that Thursday. I was supposed to pick up a turkey. I was supposed

to have a party at my house. I had 10 people coming over to my house. I was supposed to go to New York and pick up a fucking, a big fucking shipment of coke. I said, fuck it. I just paid off the debts I had in Colorado, picked up five grand, snorted it. I walked in that door. Thanksgiving about six o'clock at night, that poor chick was just sitting there going, what happened? I was at my friend's house for two days. I gave him like two days money to just disappear. Go to a fucking hotel. I stayed in his apartment. Some chick came over. God knows what happened. The next day I had fucking people calling my house all fucking day. The day after Thanksgiving, that phone didn't fucking stop. What did you think was gonna happen?

Oh, dog. It was over. The cops were watching me and he's tapped. I owed three or four drug dealers, 10 grand or more. I owed now. The landlord. Oh my God. No, the landlord was free rent. That was house. Oh, that's right. I owed. You figure I owed the money I was borrowing. I had borrowed from fucking everybody at this point. I was deep. And this kid was, this kid was starting getting suspicious. Right. So he's knocking on you. You're milking. You're milking this cow. I'm milking this cow. Yeah. But I still need coke to leave town. To make money. No, I'm leaving town. I'm leaving fucking town. Yeah. But I gotta get coke for the ride to Denver. We had the car in the garage. We had it all packed and we were gonna

leave in the middle of the night from Aspen to Denver. There was a house across from us watching us. What do you mean watching? There was a guy in there that was watching us from Aspen Police Department. I was selling coke to a guy that cut a deal with the police to bring him dealers because his wife was an accountant for the city of Aspen and she got caught writing checks for coke. So when they caught her, she goes, how about we cut a deal? I get your drug dealers. So his job was to go out and buy coke. Every time he come to my house, he'd go, let me talk to the outside. I want to talk to me outside for a talk because they were up there. So one day I had a friend of mine go through because snowmass, you go into the back. So I had

him go through the back and right away he flew over and he goes, dog, you're right. There's guys up there and they have a telescope and they're looking down. No shit. So my friend called him. We went downstairs to them and those days when you went to your phone panel, yeah, there would be a wire that would have the wire tap order. So if you could break into your phone panel and find your line, you would see the wire tap fucking order. Boom. Once I saw that, I knew I had to leave town. Not only did I owe 80 fucking grand, not only were the cops watching me, I had a fucking guard was hooked on blow. I had bought this fucking weed that was beautiful. I had a pound of this weed that was beautiful. Of course you had a pound, but it didn't get you high. What do you mean?

I got beat on it. Like they sold me two pounds and the one pound got you high and the other one didn't. Like the other one was just a Fugazi pound of weed that I had in the dresser. And I knew that my coat dealer liked good weed. So I packed my car and I snuck over to a house like eight o'clock and I said, listen, the name is Neely. I go, Neely, I got to talk to you about something. She's like, oh, if you're going to come in here, you better give me some money. I go, I got a thousand cash. I got the pound of weed, but you got to do me a favor and she smelt and she's like, where'd you get this tremendous? I go, I got this bitch. I go, I need to have. He's also late eighties. I go, I need, I need a half ounce of blow and I'll bring you back the

money in an hour. Meanwhile, I got the money to give her. It was like the last resort. But you need it. I need it blow to get out of town. Yeah. I need it blow to fucking get out of town. Why? Because I need it fucking blow. I wanted to get high. Yeah, he needs his money. I need my money and live on, but he needs the blow because he's a dick and blow. You couldn't get it in Denver. I'm not driving. He's not blow. I need something to go. He's like, I'm leaving town. I have the money for blow, but from me some blow and I'll pay you later and he ain't paying me. Here's his pound of weed. I'm leaving you. So wait, is this, is that why you didn't get on planes? Cause you were, no, we had a car. What were we going to do?

Leave the fucking car there? No, no, no. Your anxiety of getting on planes. Was it because you couldn't do coke for that long? What? What are you a psychiatrist? I don't fucking know. No, this is 1987. There was no fucking planes. There was planes going to New Jersey and back. No, it was just anxiety. I was, I was doing a thousand fucking things in my head and I finally couldn't get on planes no more because I knew the cops were watching me. So I just stopped flying. So now I'm in a fucking bind. I'm leaving town, but you need a package to go. You can't just go with no package drive. So on the way out, let me rob everybody. I'm leaving. So what difference does it make? So I brought her a pound of weed as collateral and I said, give me $1,500 worth of

fucking blow and I'll be back in an hour when I take the weed back. Plus here's a grand that I owe you. I owe it like 10 grand at this time. I gave her a thousand. So they're happy. They're like, at least your man. I go, when I make the fucking half ounce of 500 I'll make, I'll give you that too. She gave me the half ounce. I got in my car. I shot out of there. Snorting coke the whole fucking way to Denver. We get the fucking Denver Lee. Let me tell you how bad my paranoia was. You know how many hotels I checked in and out of? Six. Four. Four. I went into a hotel, would go in, do a line and thought they were checking on you and tell my girlfriend, come on, we got to go. And we go across the street like fucking retard's paying another $44. Stay in there for an hour,

get the fuck out of there. You have no idea what it did. She thought I was crazy, but she was just, but you don't like to ride. You don't like to ride. And when that's seen in good fellas, when he comes out and he goes, wait, when he gets out, what's the first thing he says? Where's the stuff? And she goes, I threw that. What do you mean you threw that? Piss. Yeah. The cops were everywhere. No, thinking about the shit more than her. That scene was all about addiction. When she got her hands and knees and she's crying. That's what crazy people do. That's how me and that girl were acting and me too. Me and that girl were acting that way, like crying and falling asleep. I always say this, Joe, I would say this, like, and especially now, since I've like,

you know, I saw addiction specialist for six months. I went to rehab, you know, all the things I've done in the last 11 months. And I busily realized I have a preference of the kind of chick I would like to date. So does my disease. So I've dated several times for multiple years, women that would probably kill me. But my disease is in love with her. Because she's not busting my balls. She gets up at 11 in the morning, and I'm sitting there still wearing the same clothes from last night, having a fucking another fucking tall boy, PBR, where I got a line of coke in front of me. And she's just like, cool, finish that, let's go get some fucking Bloody Marys at 11am. That's the kind of chick that my disease wants me to date. The flip side of that

is true. The type of chick I should be with is, you know, like a Terry type, but it's like, she comes out, it's 11am, I got a line in front of me. And I'm drinking a tall boy. She's like, the fuck is wrong with you, man? What is wrong with you? Like, what are you doing? You know, I've broken up with her so many times because my disease's vote was higher. 51% or more. You know, and then the flip side of that is true, where it's like, there's been times where I'm like, I've dated girls for three years where the cops would come twice a week. I'm like, you guys are fucking fighting in, you guys are too loud, your neighbors are fucking complaining. You know, my disease has a vote on it, not only how I live my life, but who

I fucking date? Like, that's trippy, man. That is trippy. Like, the fact that like, it's that cunning baffling powerful, that like, I could date someone for two years, because I'm 51% into drinking right now. Or drugs, or coke, or meth, or whatever the fuck it is. Is it hard for you when you're like starting dating a new girl? Like, do you know if you can trust them? It's like that. What? No, not even that. I mean, you don't give a fuck. As long as they leave you alone, give a fuck. She sucks 20 dicks. Yeah. What do I give a fuck? She pays half her rent. She doesn't complain if I drink, if I bring a bottle home. Yeah. No, no, I understand that. I was saying like, now that now when you date now, are you worried that you're picking the

wrong? That's what I say. Like, you know, like, if you're like in recovery, like, they go go a year without dating, just go a year without dating, you know. And Joey knows, like, I, you know, last time I was sober, where I was sober for three years, about 40 days in, started dating Danny Skirts. You know, that went good for like two years. But then we broke up and shit went bad. And then eight months later, I was drinking again, you know, because I made her my shit and not like being fucking clean my shit. That makes sense, man. That makes any sense. I did what you did, but I went back and forth. I had a woman that was good and we did drugs.

Then we both cleaned up. And I didn't really dig it. Once we cleaned up. What do you mean? Once you cleaned up, you saw it differently. Yeah. Yeah. So differently. And that's understandable. And we broke up and then it was weird. Like, I liked women that were opposite me. Like, I didn't want to be with somebody who liked blow. I want somebody who liked beer. So we both weren't hooked on the same shit. I never, I liked women who got high because I liked the sex and the stupid freakiness. But the daytime living with chicks who did blow was a long time because now they're going through the same thing I'm going through. And now you just both lower the bottom. Yeah. So I like those

coke chicks. You don't want anyone living with a shovel in her hand. Right. I want to dig low. There's no way. One thing I really made a point of in my life was that always like somebody made a dumb remark around, man, why do you hang out with that guy? It doesn't get high. Let's get something fucking straight. To me, I always, that was my refuge. What was I wanted to hang out with people who didn't get high. I liked that was when I was getting high. That was part of my giving my addiction. That was part of me being me that I hung out with people purposely that did not get high. So they didn't know what I was going through. They didn't know the signs. I love that. I love hanging out with people that do not get high

because I can't take hanging out with people. It felt safe to you. Yeah, it was my safety value. That's always kept me together. I like hanging out with people who don't get high like a couple people in my life who don't get high. There's some people who need to get high. That's a complete fucking different story. But there's a lot of people who don't need to get high and you don't need them to get high. In fact, you hang out, you get a kick out of them. I'm curious about them. I'm like, why do you not need to get high? Like, you know, if I'm around a lot of people, I feel like I need to get high. I need something else to get me around these people. But then there are these people that don't need that. And I'm so curious by them that I'm like, how can you be

around a lot of other people and still be happy and not be high? Does that make sense? I respect it. I respect it with all my heart. I have friends that have never gotten high, never touched a fucking thing in their life. Absolutely. And I look at those people and I got all the respect in the world that they didn't fall for the dumb loopholes that I fell for in high school or whatever. Aren't you curious about that? Not at all. People have different beliefs. It doesn't matter how your parents raise you. Some people, you know, some people don't like that. Some people get exposed in the early age and just don't like it, you know? I don't like how all, I don't like the effects of a room full of drunks. I don't like it, you know? I got to the point the last five years of my

addiction, the last six or seven years, I can't lie to you. I couldn't be around people snorting coke with me. If you were abroad and you were definitely gonna suck my dick and we were gonna have sex, come in. But if not, if you got doubts, if you're not sure, listen, don't waste my time in your time because I throw you out that fucking window. You've been chatting me up, I got a headache, I had to hear about your childhood and no blowjob at the end of this fucking tunnel. I got to know who your manager is? Yeah, yeah, the whole fucking deal. Oh, you got an album coming out? I was fucking sick. Like, I would not get high with anybody. People would come up to me at clubs, man. I got blow. That's great. That's great. I don't do it. And they go, what do you mean?

I heard you do. No, I don't do nothing. I would have coke in my pocket. And say no. No. And once in a great while, I'd do a bump and have a cocktail at the comedy club, but I had to get the fuck out of it on the road to on the road to like not around local people so no one can say shit. No, I don't want to chit chat. I would do that. I don't want to chit chat to nobody because that's how they're gonna know. And then you got to get chit chatting. And then no, no, no, no, there was no chit chat. Let me give him some shout outs. We got to get the fuck out of here. So not really. Why you shout outs? Can I go kind of run in PMA? Yeah, go ahead. Okay. Tammy Rinkoen, Fabian fabs Bueno, Thomas Easter always out there plugging these motherfuckers.

Jesse Vaugh, Jesse James, JT, Jay Romer, Sean Thompson, the lifting game and man stuff for you. How's that? You bad motherfuckers. Don't forget the Savage Dad tour starts January 28th in Charlotte and the following week, February 4th at the St. Louis Helium. You understand me? Tickets on sale? I don't know. Do what you need to fucking do. I'm just telling you. You redid your website. Looks good. Yeah, it looks very nice. Scott did a great job. It's got to fucking Savage. I haven't seen Scott for a while. He's he was in town. I think he's coming back. He said the end of January. Oh my god. What's up dog? How are you feeling? I'm good. It's fucking Thursday. It's a beautiful night to be alive. We're telling some fucking sick fucking diction stories.

And there you are. But what about like, oh, what were you saying? I had a stretch. Oh, this is what I wanted to ask you. Was it hard to sleep in prison? Like when you said he took a nap in, I wanted to ask, but the conversation went a different way. Like when you said he took a nap in prison, I was like, how the fuck do you take a nap with like murderers walking around? Like that was crazy to me. All right. In county jail, there's two guys to a cell. That's still too much. All right. When you lock the door. I would totally go to isolation. I would know there is no way when you get to like, uh, when I got to the other place, it was one man cells and they locked the door at night. And then when I got to, uh, whatever the fuck, diagnostic,

it's a one man cell. It's an iron bed pretty much. You put a sheet on a metal fucking bed. Jeez. And you slept, please. You just sleep. What are you going to do? You got to sleep. But the one that freaked me out was the one like the camp, because you said you really get open air area, right? Yeah, you went open area. But still you have a door to your room. Did it lock? Uh, no. No fuck that. I don't remember. I don't remember. Oh my god. Like, I've thought about it and I would like punch a guard, whatever you have to do with isolation. I would totally get isolation. I'd be fine. No, there's no way. There's no way. It's not as bad as people fucking think they, they show American movies to scare you and shit.

It's just men trying to get their lives together. Listen, when you come that close, when you're in a camp, you're so close. Any smart guy goes, you know what? I got a family and I got a second chance. I'm going to mind my business. A lot of guys mind their fucking business in those camps. They don't say two fucking words because they know they're that much closer to being home. This guy's gonna be fucked up anyway. And eventually they get caught. A bunch of guys in there got regressed. That means they catch you with a dirty UA. There's snitches at those places. So the snitches got their ear out. So the snitches, every time they find out about the party, they go right to the guards and go test those guys. You following me how it works?

So you have to be very careful. The prison knows who the snitches are. They don't talk much about them. If not, those guys will have you pissed. You know how many times I got pissed the whole time I was in the system? Zero. Not one fucking time. Once I got to the halfway house, they pissed me every time I walked in because they know I was a fucking creepster. What's up, Jason? You're almost on a year. Yeah, man. Like two, three weeks away. What advice do you have for some of you who made a resolution? Who said this is it? I'm not doing pills no more because I got a lot of emails the last two weeks about people saying, you know, I would say this, man, I would say, do they need to read today, man? Just, you know, not everybody, not everybody, probably 15%,

20% of them might. But you know how you find out if you do, you go like this, man, I'm gonna not, you know, I'm gonna hit the pillow today like clean. And if I can do that, you know, for a couple weeks in a row, then I can do it for more. And it's like, like we said earlier, man, it's like, you know, I had this notion like I'm like, I have a problem with surrendering. You know, because you're like, oh man, you got to surrender because you're an fucking addict or a drunk or whatever the fuck. And I'm like, my man, I'm not good at surrendering. Well, I had no problem surrendering my driver's license, my apartment, my relationship with my girlfriend, my relationship with my family, like, I'm awesome at surrendering. You know what

I mean? It's like, it's like surrendering to what? So it's like, sometimes you just got to go like, all right, man, I'm fucked. So all right, then today only. Just like, just like the way I drank, man, like the way I drank, I drank for two day. I wasn't worried about the future. I wasn't worried about tomorrow. I wasn't worried about shit. I didn't get fucked up today. And I worry about tomorrow and tomorrow happens. So it's like, you have that same sense of urgency. And if you cannot do that, you might need to look at rehab, because there are people that can do that and get sober. And I go, man, I was just like that far away from needing rehab, because I almost couldn't do that. But if you can't fucking surrender daily for 30 days and be like, man, I'm fucked,

like I can not like I have to not drink for 30 days and see what's up. If you can't do it, rehab. You know, and you'll lower the bar, you know, everyone's bottom is different. You know, so you might have to lower the bar. You might, you know, shit might have to get really, really, really bad before you say fuck it. But the two most dangerous words I can hear in my head, fuck it. When I hear fuck it, I'm in deep shit, dude. When I hear fuck it in between my ears, when I hear in between my ears, the two words fuck it. Nothing good has ever happened to me immediately after I hear those two words. So when I hear fuck it, I have to get in an action. Because if I don't, it goes the other way, man. You know, within six months, I'm in jail bragging

about how good the the fucking chocolate chip pancakes are over at San Quentin. I've been there. Oh my god, tremendous. You know what I mean? Sunday mornings, you leave, you'd sit there and go, oh my god. Yeah. That person heard fuck it one year earlier. That person heard fuck it in his head and didn't take a positive action. And a year later, he's bragging to some newbie in some sort of jail about how good the fucking pancakes are at some other fucking intake at some other fucking jail in some other fucking county. Fuck, when you hear fuck it, man, you know, get in a fucking action. You ever hear fuck it, Lee? You know what, you know, you always feel like a, or I always felt

like a dick here thinking this, but I want to, because Joe, you lost a lot of weight. Obviously, the results aren't necessarily as bad or as bad quickly, like you're not going to go to jail for getting fat. But I could really relate to a lot of what you said, to a lot of what you said I really related to. And I think, because I know there's a lot of fucking big people listening to this show. And like, like people always look down on you. And I used to get pissed off. Like, I used to get pissed when like people, I used to, when I came out here and people I would work with, go drink in the middle of the day and fucking do all that stuff. I love day drinking. I love day drinking. Or drinking like at work. And I, and like to me, like, and I was looked down upon because

I was fat because I even fucking cheeseburgers. And then like, it used to piss me off. And to me, it would like, obviously, it's not the same hard, like harness, but like sticking to a diet. And that's what I want to ask you, Joe, is like, if like, there's times where you would go fuck it, or it's hard to like, when you're that big, when you're that far gone. Yeah, but it's like, if you fuck up, it's like, if you're on a diet, and then you have one day where you fuck up, you don't because your head goes, Hey, man, we fucked up. So fuck it. Yeah, let's kick over the sand castle. But there's part of you that's like, if you fuck up, cool, man, I fucked up yesterday. Let's say yesterday I got fucking hammered last night, I could drink for another fucking year

and a half, and really fuck my life up, or I can go, you know what, yesterday I drank, and I'm right back on them fucking wagon again. It's the same thing with diets, man. Same thing with working out, same thing with jujitsu, same thing with fucking comedy, same thing with everything. You know, it's like progress, not perfection. Yeah. And everyone's like, and whatever is killing you, whatever your Achilles heel is, is like, we're either perfect or we're fucked. And the opposite of that is true. It's like, I'm progressing. If I was gonna start a diet, and it was like, I'm gonna start Monday, I'm like, let's say I fucked up Monday morning, I'd be like, oh, well, I'm gonna start Monday, next Monday. I'll start in February. Yeah,

I'll start in February. It's January 9th, I fucked up on Monday, so I'll start in February, and you grant yourself 20 fucking four days of fucking up and developing bad habits versus going, you know what, I fucked up yesterday, today I'm gonna restart. The fucking guy in sunset next to the El Compadre, he's a Taekwondo school, a Subak school. I know, because I used to live right behind it. And I used to go to that Subak school all the time, you know, and when I first joined, I went for like a month and then the cocaine took over, it was too rough. The plan was to go there and that would keep me out of coke till 745. Yeah, I love you. 645 to 745. That's the big phone hours for blown. That's when your phone is blown. That's your pay today. Yeah, that's fucking, you

know, that's 911. And I stopped going. I bumped into him and he goes, how you doing? He goes, listen, don't be embarrassed. He goes, I just want to tell you something. What's going on? I go on the road. I don't have time. He goes, so what day is he on? I go Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. He goes, come Tuesday at 10 once a week. He goes, I guarantee you, if you start just coming once a week, within a year, you'll be there twice a week. And it worked. And that's how I started losing weight by going to the gym once a week. You know, I just go once a week. It's like a blind faith. Yeah, it's like a fucking little faith. And next thing you know, one will become two. And then next, you know, you meet a buddy there who says, Hey, you coming on Tuesday? Yeah, I'll come on to you.

Come on too. Yeah. And even trippier is all of a sudden, you'll meet people under you. Almost like a period scheme. We're like, Hey, man, I don't want to fucking, I don't want to do this. And you're like, Hey, man, just do it once a week. And you're saying the shit that was told to you. You know, and now you're not, you know, you're linking a chain, you know, and it's like somebody above you who knows more than you is giving you knowledge, but you're also passing that down to people who are less than you. Paula's been taking some of the classes at the gym. And she said, like, right now, it's really busy with people who are doing resolutions. And she said, she wanted to talk

to this one girl, because she could see how like scared she was. But Paula's like, I wouldn't know how to do that. And the first time I worked out this, like this chubby black dude on a bike, I was doing a bike because the elliptical was too much after like 15 minutes was like, we were just next to each other and Paula could already do the elliptical for the entire time. So she left while I was doing the bike. And he, as soon as she left, he like was like, Hey, man, how long have you been doing it? I've been doing it for this long. I lost this much weight. And just keep coming. And like, and you told me like it was gonna happen. And then it happened like the next day or like right around that time. No, people know. That's what I just said.

I just said, be like, Hey, just talk to that. I will say that, you know, people, you know, I got them in like last 11 months. Hey, man, what'd you do? You cut your hair? Did you shave? You put on some weight? Like you lose some weight and go to the gym? Everything they guess is not what it is. Because it's like an inside job. You know, like what I did was I just quit drinking. So I did focus a little more on myself, focus a little more on my art, my craft, being present, being there for my friends, apologizing more, admitting when I'm wrong more, the little things that, you know, the, you know, what I'm doing dictates. But no one can guess what it is. It's like, Hey, man, you look different, man,

you got different fucking glow about you crazy, because it's an inside fucking job. You know, like we were talking the other night and we, you and I had a long talk about a lot of different things. We were hanging out in the kitchen like few different times. We just like, Hey, yeah, you know, you look at the, I'm drinking the coffee. I was drinking the coffee. I remember and you just like, I'd noticed you look at the coffee. You know how many times I've noticed people look at what's in my hand? It's like, Hey, man, this guy seems like he's in a good mood. You know, subconsciously, last year of my life, every time I seen Tebow in a good mood, it's cause he's lit up. Seems like he's in a good mood. Let me look at his drink.

I mean, he's just drinking coffee. I don't know. I wonder what's going on. How good is that coffee? It's trippy, man. It's trippy to just be at a place at least for the moment where I'm like, man, I'm cool right now. I'm cool. Just being in the kitchen and talking to your ideas before if I was on blow, if I was smoking, you know, if I was fucking smoked a joint, if I had nine Jack and Cokes in me, I might be in front of you. I might be listening to you talk, but I'm like, well, you know, I got to get, I got to get that next fix. You know, where am I gone? I'm not present. But then me and you are standing there by that freezer present talking as fuck. You know, but I still am at that point. So I look forward to like, and look, I've earned it.

It might take me a year or two before people stop looking at my drink. You know what I mean? Oh, man. Oh, shit. Okay. He's just got a coffee. Oh, I just got a hot tea. Oh, I just got a Coke. You know, my friend, you know, Jackie Gold? No, it's funny. It's funny comic female friend of mine. She'll always, every time she comes up, if I'm drinking a Coke, she's like, she'll smell it. Bobby Lee too. Does that bother you? No, because both of them, we have that joke. So I remember like two years ago, Bobby Lee goes, what are you doing, man? What are you doing? I'm like, no, I'm cool. He goes, cool. You're cool. Let me take a drink. He's Bobby sober. Let me take a drink of your drink. I don't drink that. What are you doing, man?

That's Bobby. Bobby's still sober. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's doing great. Bobby's doing great. He's actually very pivotal. Bobby tapefletches. A lot of people are very pivotal in what I'm trying to do with my life. And now he's like, you know, he'll just come up. He'll just like, take a sip of my Coke just to be funny. Because you know, it's a little stop them. My friend Jackie, she'll like, let me smell your Coke before I drink it. It's like an inside joke, you know, because a year and a half ago, you know, Bobby couldn't drink that drink. But I'd be playing it off like he could. I'm lying to everybody, but Bobby knew, you know, it's like, it's accountability. It's like that sort of thing. So it's like, yeah, man, it will, you know, in answer your question,

in a year ish, I'll notice when people stop looking at my drink, you know, would it be because you were talking with Joey, so you were like engaged. But if you were just in there next to a bar, would it be is it weird for you? No, same thing, man. I mean, people, people last time was like, Oh, it's hard to be in a bar where everyone's drinking. Man, it's hard for me to be an insurance seminar anywhere. You know, there's going to be a million times like, you know, I know every bar right around this corner. Like if I wanted to go drink right now, no one can stop me by me. Like I have to want this lifestyle. I mean, people used to say, well, what are your triggers? When I get up in the morning, I get the weather being awake. Everything

triggered me a movie dish. I ate to windy day and I like romanticized drink, you know, anything will trigger me because that's my trick. You know, my trigger is being conscious. Well, both of you have said you've had, like you had friends, you were friends with a lot of bartenders and you were friends with Coke dealers, but like, how can you call them friends if when they know that you're trying to be sober, they serve you because it's not their fault. They're doing their job. They're just them. I come into their lives. They don't come into mine. You know, I seek them out. They don't seek me out. So as I become friends with them to get what I want, it's not their fault that I no longer need what they can give me. If that makes sense.

You know, do you know, Lee, out of the four Coke dealers I had, two of them, we just spoke over the holidays and New Year's and the one sent me a Christmas card. And the one called me, I called him and he called me back and the black guy called me and he goes, you know, you're one of my favorite motherfuckers because I don't just call anybody a motherfucking Christmas, but till this day, you're one of my favorite motherfuckers in the world. So we always talk when I'm by his house, I always call him. He'll call me and ask me to have a spot at the store and come to the store and see me. We don't even discuss cocaine. I give him a hug and he leaves. I got a buddy like that. It's amazing. No, no, no. I don't, he didn't do anything.

Remember coaching horses? Yeah. Yeah. That used to be a, back in the day, that was a big code, like late late nineties, that was a Coke spot. And my dealer used to be there and you and I were talking in the kitchen. I'm like, I could see that guy right now. And I'm in, I'm in a coconut while, but I could see that guy and still have to take a shit. If I'm walking around farmers market, dirt and fair facts, I see a fucking English Dave walking up. I see him. I haven't seen him in three years. I, I, I automatically have to take a shit just because I bought so much coke from that dude that my body assimilates. I contact with this guy. I have to take a shit because I'm about to do coke.

No, no, I see these guys. I don't even think about it anymore. I don't even think about it anymore. At all. I couldn't even have seen my life there ever copying that life, talking to those people ever. I was thinking of an interesting thing when I was 22. I remember being in the worst spot in my life and I'd be at this bar every night and saying, what do you mean worst spot of your life? Well, I was just a young kid, confused, didn't know where I was going and I was scared, but the coke and the life covered all that fear. I was just living my life. Right. And I would hang out at this bar and I would look at these people and I despise these people. I despised what they stood for. I despised everything about them and I used to have to hang

there. This was my headquarters at that age. You know, you're at a bar waiting for a talk. You're not going to believe this. My friend just bumped into a guy who was 80 quailutes. He wants to sell him for two dollars a piece and this is what you wait for. You're at your home club. You're at your home club. You're waiting for people to come to you with different bullshit stories. And I remember looking around when they go on. I can't wait. So I never have to go into it. At 20, at 22, I knew I had an addiction. Not no. I think I did right on the same age. At 29, I came to grips. 25. Once I went to jail and came out and went through the shit I went through and still love cocaine more than when I went in. After you do time for coke and you come out and

still want to get high, you go, you know what? This is the deal. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to do my work the three nights a week. I'm going to blast off the 50 fucking dollars. And that's why it came to terms. I wasn't going to wrestle anymore. I was sick and tired of doing coke and going, that's the last time and ripping up the envelope and then going back into the garbage and getting it out and snorting salt that I threw away. I was done with that shit. On the lighter side, I got to ask you something. What's going on with punch drugs boys? Talk to me. Punchunger's great. And especially now that Ari is back in town, he's here till like March, I think. So it'll be all three of us in the studio, which is great.

We got a lot of big bets that have to be paid off. Ari gets to use a fart funnel and fart in Sam's mouth next week. What was the bet for that? I think it was a college NCAA finals in basketball. Sam lost. So this is going on next week and punch drug next Tuesday. Two in two weeks. Not this next one with the one after that. I might show up with Lee and a special black friend guest friend of mine. No, you will not. No, you will not. It's time. Any time. And Lee gets a fart in the mouth. When can you do the show? When can you? When are you ever free? If you bring a fart funnel in two weeks, tell Ari to get two fart funnels and we'll be there. Why? Are you going to make Lee get one of them? Lee has had to have a fart in the mouth.

No. If it really is a chick, a black chick. No, what's going to do it? A chick from Colorado sent to people. We have a whole system set up. It's basically like a beer, you know a beer bong. There you go. I hate you so much. So you put one, the beer bong end in your mouth. But we're going to tape the funnel around the mouth. And then they have to eat like bad fish, smoke a couple of bad cigars, a couple of 12 packs of things that just say beer, like just eat horrible things for 24 hours. And then they fucking fart in your mouth. And then you have to hit the beer bong, but like it's a bong, you have to hold the fart in, hold it in, and then you have to exhale it. We'll be there with Lee. Yeah, out of the country. Yeah,

Nina too is on allthingscomedy.com. She told me she'll take 300, but I gotta make sure she takes paper. Why don't you radio now be based out of Tel Aviv? What's that? I'm going to go to Tel Aviv. Lee, you've been owning this to the fans. No, I haven't. You have. If you owe it, we, you understand. I have a family. You have. If we can do a cross promotion podcast with you getting a fucking fart in your mouth and Sam getting one in his mouth. Why don't you open up the year with a fart in your mouth? I'm not doing it in the mouth. I'll do it in the face. I'm I'm putting it in the fucking. Wait a second. I'm going to puke. I'll only puke if I can baby burn it to you. That looks so gross. Small commitments become big commitments. No, that's

not a commitment. So hold on. Well, you're telling me is you'll take, you'll take the, you won't take the fart in the mouth, but you'll take the fart to the eyeball. No, not to the, who's at the eyeball? Well, where's she going to fart? Where do you want to? No, where. She's not going to fart anywhere. Oh, right over there. No, it's better that you know where you're going to do. Hire a black hooker. No, she's a nice girl. She just eats a lot. She loves Pope ice chicken. Yeah. So she'll fart in your face. Oh my God. And it's over. Or how about we give you the small deuce and she farts and you suck the fart in your tube? $200? $250. Oh my God. We'll take the, we'll do a GoFundMe. We'll do a GoFundMe for Lee to get a fart to the mouth.

Yeah. No, because they're going to do what I'm not doing. What would you take? 10 Gs to fart to the face? No. 10 Gs. I'll murder my mother for 10 Gs. What do you need to go find me to be for you to take like a tremendous fart to the face? Great question. What would it need to be? What's the, what's the number? What's the number? Yeah. What's the, what's the, what are the parameters? You fart in your mouth and you have it like you're taking a bong rip. No, take it like a bong rip, hold it in your lungs and exhale out of fart. There's no number for the mouth. If you want to disgust the face, that could, that could be, you exhale a fart out of your lungs. No, I'd rather kill myself. That's terrible. The worst thing I've ever heard anyone do. Well, Sam Tripoli has to do

it in two weeks on puncherxsports.com on all things comedy network Tuesdays from noon to two. Motherfuckers. Ari Shafir is going to tape a fucking beer funnel to his butthole and Sam's going to hit it like a bong. Oh, what is Ari going to eat before? A lot of horrible things, apparently. I want this chick to eat like Popeyes and get sick, like get food poisoning and then you lay on the table and she just farts and whatever comes out of her muffler. Pot of coffee, three cigars. Why not? It's a party. She might shit in a hose that's connected to your nose, but it doesn't mean it gets to your nose. Listen, you guys want the secret to New Year's resolutions? Make the first step real easily. The first thing you do every day,

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sent directly to your doorstep. Just make sure you don't put it on your mom's. Yeah, just make sure you got no fucking thieves in the neighborhood because they're gonna be calling me and as usual, listen, flu season is here. I've had it. I've been six in Sunday. Yeah, no, no, and thank you for coming in. I should have told me on the phone. I would have sent you the fucking yesterday is the first day I was good. Today's the second day. I was good. So do me a favor. Go to hona.com right now. You're starting new resolutions. You want to be in shape. You want to feel better if even if you just drink the protein powder, which I drank today without a banana. It was fucking delicious. The chocolate, the cocoa, you'll never taste the chocolate that's

better and sweeter than that stuff. Amazing 32 grams of protein, two scoops. All right. They also have a shroom tech sports room tech immune. I mean, I love so many of the stuff they have. You know, whether it's the alpha brand. Listen, do me a favor, go to hona.com read. Look, I could tell you a bunch of stuff, but it's, I don't know what you want. I don't know what goals you have. I don't know what you're trying to do. Go to hona.com. Whatever you're trying to do, they'll fucking help you supplement wise and to help you even more. I'm going to give you 10% off your first order. So what do they do Lee? They go in there and press church. C H U R C H. Is that correct? That's correct. What's the correct? The Mundo church. C H U R C. There you

go, you bad motherfuckers. Go to hona.com and press church and get 10% off your first order. And again, like, uh, like nature box, like me on these, everything gets delivered to your door. That's the simplicity of dealing with Uncle Joe. I don't make it tough for you. Pick nothing up. Who is it? UPS and they just leave it there. Right. That's it. That's what you want. You don't want people bothered. I want, I want to thank Jason Tebow. Don't forget to listen to him on punch drunk sports on Tuesday. I want to thank my main man, Lisa. I add here. Fucking high as ever. He needs a fucking rehab and an exorcism. He's a little perverted Jew. That's why I love him. Tebow, I'm proud of you. Almost one fucking year. I want to have you. I want to have you come back

and do reports and talk to people anytime people going through this man. I'll say this. Last time I did this show, I got hit up by a lot of people that were like, Hey man, I really related to what you had to say and blah, blah, blah. And a lot of them I've continued friendships with and we've talked. If anybody just needs someone to fucking rap to about this sort of, you know, what we're talking about, we're just serious shit at the T bar on Twitter. You know, mention me that I'll follow you so we can DM or, you know, Facebook, Jason Tebow, any of that shit, man, you'll find me. And, you know, if I can do anything to help you have what was so freely given to me, I'm your guy, man. Thank you very much for putting that off. And now you got no more excuses, cocksucker.

Now you got no excuses. All right, Lee, I love you. We'll see you motherfucking Sunday and Monday. We'll be back like her piece. Thank Jason Tebow. I want to thank my man, the flying Jew, Uncle Joey here. We love you. What's the email church.com. If I get them, they go to different fucking places. Yeah, church.com on Gmail church. Church of what's happening now, part of gmail.com. That's it right there. Send me an email. Uncle Joe is here. I love you. I love both of you guys. Thank you for having me, man. This show is brought to you by naturebox.com. Dedicated to making smart, delicious snacking easy. Say goodbye to weird mystery ingredients and start snacking confidently with naturebox.

Visit naturebox.com slash Joey to get 50% off of your first box now. This show is also brought to you by me on these head to me on these calm and choose from a variety of styles and limited edition patterns for both men and women and they'll be delivered right to your door. So make a change and head to me on these calm slash Joey right now and get 20% off of your first order plus shipping is always free in the US and Canada. And the show is brought to you by on it.com. This show is also brought to you by on it.com. Go to on it.com. This show is also brought to you by on it.com. Go to on it.com and use code

word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products like Alphabet and New Mood, Shreem Tecum, and Shreem Tec Sport. What? Can I have those papers? What papers? The papers. I need the papers, Joey. Understand. Are you strong enough to be my man? Yeah. Nothing's true and nothing's right. So let me be alone tonight because you can't change the way I am.

Are you strong enough to be my man? I promise I'll believe. Light me, but please don't leave. I have a face I cannot show. I make the rules up as I go. Try and love me if you can. Are you strong enough to be my man? Are you strong enough to be my man? Are you strong enough to be my man?

Are you strong enough now, man? When I've shown you that I just don't care. But when I'm doing punches in the air. When I'm broken down and I can't stand. Did you be man enough to be my man? Light me, I promise I'll believe. Light me, but please don't leave.