Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #346 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: January 12, 2016

Steve Simeone, Comedian and host of the, "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast. joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by: Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey to start your free trial today Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Music:    For The Love Of Money - The O'Jays I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Fame - David Bowie

I'll drop this kid off and call a bus. This ain't my boy. What happened here? Look at they massacred my boy. I'm Jewish. This kid looks like a fucking mushroom. His little head cut. You see his little Beatles. He had glasses on. He was working. Oh, that was like two months. I never wore them. I still need them, but I never wore them. Start the podcast, please. I got to get the ophthalmology fucking record. I'm an eye doctor and I just start the fucking thing, please. Here we go. Okay. This show is brought to you by Headspace. The Headspace Take 10 program is a 100% free way to experience the benefits of meditation in your busy modern life. Download the free Headspace app and begin their Take 10 program

for 10 days of guided meditation at Headspace.com slash Joey. The show is also brought to you by... Steve, you have no idea how much anxiety this song gives me. Hold on to this part. I'll thank God I pressed the chord. The show is also brought to you by Onit. Okay. Onit.com use codeword church to get 10% off all their great optimization products. Looking off a brain in new mood. And go to hitesix.com. Better tasting, longer lasting. Use codeword Joey's church to get five for $50. That's a good deal. Oh shit. Monday, January 11th. This is it, cocksuckers. The church of what's happening now, bitches. Making it happen. Fucked up to the gills. It's a new year, bitches. Wake

the fuck up. What, what, huh? The June national anthem right here. Money, money, money. Fuck it when you're like 13. They lock you in a room. They put a bag over your head and they turn the light off and they put this on replay like a motherfucker for $12. You leave there like a savage. They don't even feed you. They put black shoes on you. Oh shit. What? What's happening, you bad motherfuckers. Sorry about the inconvenience. There was something wrong with one of the fucking chords. Then YouTube gave us a fucking hard time. We paid the bill, bitch. Anyway, Steve Simone, the motherfucking house, my main man, the ambassador of the Jewish people, Lee boom, boom, sciat. Look at them with the winter jacket on. California

is seven degrees out. Well, you have to tell you people that I got to toughen this fucking kid up. What do you see? I could have a fucking igloo in this motherfucker that don't call for you getting a jacket on. Take the jacket off. You're making me nervous. Like you're waiting for us to get hit and you're gonna run out the back door with some shit. You know something I don't know. What's happening, beautiful people? Your uncle Joey here. Hope you had a great weekend. The church is back in full effect. My main man over here, Steve de Simone family, been together a long fucking time guest tonight. Thank you, Robin. You know, it's so weird that we all do different things in different ways. And lately the more and

the more I talk to the man with the jacket on. It's amazing how much different how you keep your soul clean. Like you're really like one of the guys that you don't drink no more. You never really every once in a while. When you did drink, you fucking get the look in your eye like the Indian was making a comeback. You start hugging people, kissing you like Henry Hill and you found different outlets. And it's so weird how as you get older, you know what? That's not worth it. That's not worth it. We Lee and I were having a discussion about how we watched the 75 and the guy asked for a $24,000 deposit to talk to the drug dealer just to make sure he was right. If he's making 3 million a month, 24,000 is what

he spends at the bodega. I'm fucking what so sticks that we eat as a kid. Not bad. Slim Jim, Slim Jim, we got a fresh slim Jim. When you're high, it's like hitting the fucking jackpot. So the 900 million. Sometimes you got a stale slim Jim. That shit will fucking set your back. Yeah, you don't even want it, but a good slim Jim and you go back and get a kind of dry ginger ale. So little things. What's up? What happened? What are we talking about? You were talking about the drug dealer, 24,000 24,000. It's so weird how he did it just to make sure everything was fine. Sometimes you're I used to work for a car dealer and everybody said that when you work to work for this guy, you got a lot stronger. He taught

you to do things. It was amazing how for years I had worked with these guys and they were doing they had great results. But my life changed when I started working for this little Jewish guy named Artie Pressler. He was a six foot four fucking mound of a Jewish guy that he sold Coke part time. And he didn't have a lot of salesmen, but everybody who went to work and said, bro, when I came here, I was struggling to sell six cars. Now I sell 15. Wow. Because he was dead because he was a Jew. And he was an old school Jew in the car business. You come in, I drive you, we get back, you know, he would always go make the guy fall in love with you. He was a Jew from fucking like Brooklyn. And he would say

make the guy fall. And he was always very bland. That's where he won his face never changed. There was a little bit of smile. He was like Clint Eastwood and Dirty Harry from time to time. He would smile, but it really wasn't a smile. But the one thing he taught me that went with me forever was go out that town, the number and then get a deposit. And for two fucking for two or three weeks, I wouldn't get a deposit. And he'd go, you didn't get me a deposit. No. Yo, come here. When they get me a fucking deposit, you just lost a half a deal. Next time you get a deposit. Every time I came out and said, this guy said, Oh, pay 18,000 right now. Where's the deposit? I didn't have to get a deposit. It made me

an offer. Hold on. Available salesmen to the desk. I fucking want to shoot this motherfucker. It was a valuable lesson that cost me three to $4,000. He made his point. He made his fucking point and I go and then get a deposit. And he tell you to get the deposit from the guy because that would show you he would break it down on paper too. He was that type of Jew. Listen, the car is 23 fucking thousand. Okay. I need 10% which is 2300. Give me $5,000 check right now. So I go back to my manager and get you this card deal and he won't stop there. Get me. Let me get your watch. Wow. Let me get your shoe and the reason being that way they know you're serious. You know, like that's what that lesson always taught me that

you're fucking serious. You know, sometimes you ever take a gig and don't ask for the deposit. Yeah. And you get off the phone and you're like, yep. And all of a sudden you get down and there's no hotel room. You're going to stay at the sister's house. Absolutely. That happened to me at the cousin's house. The guy's going to drive. You know what? Here it is. But they shouldn't be. Yeah. You know what? I need 500 deposit plus. I need this. I need a ride to here. I need two hotel rooms. They don't have to be fucking Denny's. Right. But they got to be fucking. I don't want no blood stains. Right. I don't want no fucking blood stains, you know, but you always got to ask for the positive to know people are real. And

that guy used to want once I got good at it. Now he's like, I'm teaching you something else now. I'm going to teach you how to blow people's wigs off and bring them back because on the comeback, they're going to give you what you want. That's a great lesson. So leave. How much how much is your car word? I blew booked it for 22 and I booked it out at 47. Yo, Samu, come in there, go in there and ask the guy for $7,000 for the fucking car. But boss, it says 59 99 on the window. Yeah. Go in there and ask them for $7,000. Hold on one second. A lot boy. Come over here. Let me scratch that number off the fucking window. Go in there and get them for $7,000. And this guy would come back with 67 plus taxes plus dealer handling.

And I drew all over myself. The guy set himself up 7,000. I'm never pay 7,000. The most I'll give you is 6,200. Now you got them. Yeah, you got them at 62. You got a profit. You got a $1,600 deal. Write a check. Give me a check for the amount right now. Let me get the credit app. Yeah, but I just made an offer. We don't even know. Let's get a five liner and you have it. He would tell you to always write it down that that's control. Gotcha. When you wrote it down, never give somebody a credit app and let them fill it out. You always tell you the, I mean, these things, they don't know things. I just, I just went through the process of getting a car. They don't let you do any of that. No, see, that's all wrong. That's all fucking wrong. That's

the control prospect. You know, we've discussed a thousand times on the show that the microphone on stage is a control thing. Half of us don't need a microphone. But the microphones, let's the audience know that you have the room that you have control. It's amazing. It's the little fucking things like that that cut a deal and have led Zeppelin led Zeppelin had a fucking manager when they were on top. Once they got to 71, 72, and they had outlived the Beatles and they were selling the manager from the fucking thing. We'll go, Lisa, yeah, how you doing? Yeah, Billy Bond. Yeah, great to meet you. Oh my God. Last time we saw you, we partied out those three hookers sucked our dick and let them on fire. Yes, indeed they did. Listen,

Led Zeppelin is doing a major tour. Really? Great to hear that. Yet they're doing a major league fucking tour and we want to do three nights at your fucking club. What is your fee to sit? We're sitting 18 five, but between you and I, the fire department doesn't have to know. We really could do 19,000, you know, 1000, 9,000, we could do 1900 seats. Okay, this is what we're going to do. We're going to do 1900 seats at 1900 apiece. You know, like that's what Led Zeppelin the guy would do. So he do 1900 times $12 and 50 cents a ticket equal $23,000 times three $23,000 times three $69,000 70,000. Okay. What do I need to do the three nights? Stand at the pot at $30,000. That's what Led Zeppelin is going to do. No,

I want the whole fucking amount. But wait a second, we haven't even sold the ticket. It's not my fucking problem. Yeah, you want Led Zeppelin. You pay the whole envelope in front before I even give you the fucking dates. Wow. He didn't give you a breather this motherfucker. It was never done before, but it made them even more powerful. He never let them do a live TV performance. He didn't want them to be like everybody else. Why can't they do live TV? He didn't want them to. They didn't need it. Why do the Ed Sullivan show? Why do the Tonight show that led Zeppelin? They stand it for something else. It was a whole psychological fuck note to your fucking mind. You know what I'm saying? That's a whole lot of love. They demanded

what they demanded. That's a whole lot of love. It was over. People sucking dick and squirting sperm on their face and lighting themselves on fire. This is a whole lot of love. It was a fucking, it was an anthem. It was 1972, whatever, 71, 73. The war was over. You know, a whole lot of fucking love was an anthem. They did what they wanted. Can you imagine it? You can't do that to a comedy club today. Call up a comedy company. Steve Simone's come into town. You see 200 people, correct? Yeah, we're going to do five shows, 1,020. That's 20 fucking thousand. Do me a favor, cut me a check and overnight it to me right now. What are you talking about? Listen, I'm telling you right now he's going to sell out. So I'm keeping the fucking door and you're

keeping the bar, that overpriced fucking vodka yourself. Well, aren't there some comedians who could do that? Absolutely. But it would be, you know, you get your standard deposit, 10, 20%, Kevin Hart, you got to give him the fucking moon, the stars. You know, Amy Schumer, Louis C.K., Gabriel Glacius. They demand what they demand standard. But see, when they do those theaters, you pay for those theaters. Those theaters don't become a comedy club. Let me tell you something, those theaters rob you. Those theaters, that's why a lot of times those theaters comics want to do three hours. You don't see Chappelle doing no 22 hour show at the theater, do you? Yeah. You never seen Chappelle do four hours of the fucking theater because after an hour and a half, that's

union cost. You got eight motherfucking teamsters on the clock and you got to pay them at 36 dollars an hour, dime times two. So while you're cracking jokes up there, you got to sell a million tickets to pay that fucking nut. They'll tell you, you got to get off by 11 o'clock. After 11 o'clock, you pay a fucking big. Yeah. You know, when I was a kid, I go see concerts at the garden and they went over. I didn't know that now, you know, like now I think about the people who didn't do an encore and you left pissed off. They suck. They didn't do an encore. Now I know, yeah, because it cost them a thousand dollars. Fuck you. Fuck your uncle. Once I go in, I go into hibernate. I'm like the fucking February thing. Yeah, I'm like the groundhog. That's a star. Yeah. So it's

a man, you know, it's different. All that stuff is just mental salesmanship. They beat you with their mind before you even that's mental salesmanship. You know, it's it's a set up to the sale. Yeah. You know, and you learn a lot of that. And now we're bumping into it in our daily lives. We were discussing so many. Well, I bump into it and it doesn't. We were talking about when I did the sports betting thing. Okay. You call a guy every, every Sunday you go into the office and go, uh, Steve, I need more leads. Lee gives you a stack of leads that the other company on the other side of the room had already called. Remember, we discussed this. There's one big company, but there's two other companies the rooms divided into. So the first company is All

Stars Sports. That's our big company. That's who everybody's with All Stars Sports, but half the room is with fucking professional pimps. Right. And the other room is with all day play as sports service. And all we do is the lead goes through All Stars Sports, then they go to day player and now they come to you because you're the low man on the totem pole. You got to wake these motherfuckers up after two, three, two people that we know already take them to the cleaner on this sheet. You already have their visa card with their expiration date and everything. You know everything about them. You call these motherfuckers up and go, Hey, Lee Sayed, how you doing? Fucking Pete the heat. Everything all right. Who the fuck are you? Pete? Listen, I'm here. Who am I? Then you

become Joe Payne. Who am I? Who am I? Let me tell you who I am. Last night, I made $200,000. Go fuck your mother. You're a thief and they hang up on you. Now you got to call him back. Hey, Pete, listen, let me just talk to you. Go fuck yourself. Don't call here no more. Then you give 15 minutes and you call him back again. And the wife answers. Hello. Who's this? It's Pete the heat. Tell him to pick up the phone. No, listen, my husband doesn't want to talk to you anymore. He stopped him and they hang up on you. You know what? Letting you call again at two in the morning and you leave. This is when you get home. This is where the psychological fuck comes in. You get home at like 11. I used to snore coke and take like 10 numbers home with me and all coked up.

I just dialed the number from the payphone and they'd be like, who's this or they wouldn't answer to go on the machine. Hey, Steve, Pete the heat. Do me a favor. Tomorrow I got a lock that'll fuck and make your wife's pussy. Here's Carol up. Call me at 1-800-SPORTS. That's it. You left a number. Guess what? If you're the generic gambler, you're going to write that number down. Yeah. That's like that dealer. Somebody comes up and goes, I sell coke. Really? Let me get your phone number. You don't need them right now, but you're going to need them. Yeah. You keep his card because you don't need them right now, but you're going to need them. Just praying on people's weaknesses. How do you learn how to do this? Like when I worked for a company, they had training,

like training sessions. Like how do they teach you to like torment these people? Because you just know how to do it. When you're a salesman, you got to remember that people run, people don't run on a straight line. People run like this. Your job is to catch them here. Sometimes we catch them down here and it's an uphill battle. Come on down and buy a car. Fuck you. Yeah. Do this. But something, all the stars come together. Bam. They got their dick sucked. They got a raise. They got a bonus. They won a lottery ticket for $69. Right. I'm going to go buy a car. I'm feeling lucky. Bam. I just caught you. You went to your grandmother's for a dinner. She gave you 50 bucks. That's your lucky 50. You're betting the Boston Celtics tonight.

Bling. Who's this? Nicky the P. P. Why you keep bothering me for it? You know, I don't gamble anymore. Cut it out. Cut it out. Listen. What do you got in the Celtic game tonight and they break? Yeah. What are you talking about? What do you got in the Celtic game tonight? What do you got in the Celtic game tonight? Well, I like that something. Bam. You got them. Took you three weeks for this motherfucker to break down, but you got them. How am I saying I like the Celtics? Bam. It's over. You know what? We like the Celtics too. But let me tell you something. The total is common and even stronger. What are you talking about? See, you like the Celtics, but the real money tonight is a parlay. What are you going to do? You're going to bet a yardstick on the fucking Celtics. Whoop

you do. What are you going to pick up? 110? What are you down? 10,000? I'm not down. I'm not down. How do you know I'm down? I didn't say you were down. That's it. Boom. They're talking, Lisa. You got them. The truth serum. So what are you talking about? Listen, I got a way for you to make 25 fucking hundred dollars tonight. What are you talking about? I don't gamble no more. Listen, I'm going to hang up. Stop talking to me this way. But they're still on the phone. Oh, they're still on the fucking phone. Listen, do me a favor. I got a total that's going on. What are you usually a better game? I've been doing 200. You're lying. You bet 500. You lie. You don't tell them that. You got to assume they're betting five. That's when you bang them out. You got to do math quick

on your toes. All right, listen, you're going to bet the Celtics for five. I'm going to give you a total. You're going to bet them for five and you're going to bet 500 on the total on the parlayer. Okay. You're going to walk out of here 2250 tonight just alone. Now I got a call coming in from Medjewan, Michigan. This guy talks to every football fucking referee knows and he's got something coming in on Saturday. So do me a favor. This is how this rolls. Throw me two deuces. I usually go for 350, put 200 in the Western Union, maybe the 150 tomorrow after you pick up the 2250. You sure it's going to come in? It's going to come in. Can you give me a hint? There ain't no hints in my world. But if I don't get that guy after about three weeks, a lot of guys just throw them away.

Yeah. What throw them away is to give them a free game and they take it from there. And I was telling Lee that it's the same thing when you give somebody a service for free. It never pans out. Like one thing I learned from the car businesses, the people that you sold the car to and you made 185 dollars are the people that are going to come in every 90 days and torment your fucking life. It's not worth it. Excuse me. Excuse me. The windshield don't work. Excuse me. The heater. Can I get a ride to see caucus? What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. The people that you fucking feel bad when they sign the paperwork, like you're saying prayers. Yeah. Like God, please don't hit me in the head with a lightning bolt because you just made $8,000 on the lease.

Those are the people that bring their fucking mother back and their cousins and everybody buys a car from you. It's really weird how the world works, how the psychology of that whole thing is. The airlines got that. They just rip you off. They don't give a fuck. The American Airlines will put a fucking gun to your head. They're the worst. So half of these motherfuckers, they put a gun to your ass. What about health insurance? I just paid my first month for this year. It went up $50 after last year. How much for your health insurance? $350 a month. Did you tell me you lost weight? Did you get your little dick sucked once a week? Yeah, it's expensive. Did you lighten up a little bit? Did you take a hard aspen's?

You're breathing some air. You're looking good. Look at you. Your head's shiny. You used to walk in here all pale like some fucking yacht. Look at you now. I'm still pretty pale. No, you're not. Well, your legs are like mine. Your legs look like fucking bone. You look at your legs after like the winter time here. They're like bone. You're too embarrassed to put you like, fuck it. I can't wear my shorts now. People are going to be embarrassed. So you know, I wait for like a sunny day and sit in the yard with suntan lotion. Like a fucking reekin. You got to sit there. What are you doing? I'm putting suntanning my cabs. Well, I'm pissed that I never used a pool in my whole place. You have a pool and you use it. You have to use it. It's awesome.

It's an insult to God. If you're blessed with something not to use it, you got to use it. This pool up by my house is just a bit on the weak cold side. And they got no that that YMCA is like a fucking Polish YMCA. They got no towels. They got no blow dryers. You go to fucking Hollywood. They got everything Q tips. You could be homeless and live at the YMCA in Hollywood. Yep. You could be homeless and at least go in there, work out, sign up for a program and take a shower. They got towels. They got shampoo. They got fucking Q tips. They got a blow dryer. I don't have gel. They got shaving. That's those shavings that fucking pulled the first layer of epidermis. Okay. At least you fucking shave it. The first time I went to North Hollywood, I went

for a fucking thing. The only thing in Hollywood that sucks about that YMCA is that when you open the door to go from the fucking pool to the sauna, the shower and the locker room, you've never experienced that cold weather. It's a fucking the end. I'm very sorry. It's the end of a tube. So you get out of the pool, you open the door and you walk this way. It's very simple, but there's a walkway in there that's connected to outside. So in the morning at six, here you are in the sauna and then you go on the steam bath, then you take a shower, then you go back in the sauna for a couple of minutes just to get nice and ripe. And you make a run for that fucking door and you jump right in that heated pool. It's paradise. It's fucking paradise. But that 10 foot

walk is one of the worst fucking walks I've ever had in my life. They should incorporate that walk when they kill you. Like when they kill you just to let you know what you're fucking about to encounter here. What, Lee? Why are you making faces for a cocksucker? Who? Is this or like who do you want to have to do that? Why must there always be a particular with you? Can there not be generalities? No. I'm just saying, let's say somebody was going to the fucking chair. Yeah. Right. Right. That'd be the last walkway. That's how fucking brutal it is. You don't want it to be this. You don't want it to be this. Look at this. Not that one. Yeah. That's the beginning of the twilight zone in the old days. Like in the fucking really,

really old days. That's what it started with. That's why you were freaked the fuck out. And there'd be little circles going around and around. You see those circles going around there and that's Satan's work. I don't like any of that stuff. What's up there, my brother? Nothing. I was thinking about what you were saying about that going from the hot to the cold. The Russians at the Hollywood gym I used to work at, they used to do that on purpose to get a high. They'd go from the sauna, blazing hot, and then they jump in the freezing cold shower. It was the fucking sauna at the Hollywood gym. The Hollywood gym was straight up gangsters. That was three floors of gangsterisms. But you know what? The boxing program up there.

Great. Matt Damon was there. Denzel Washington was there. He had four Academy Award winners. Nicholas Cage and somebody else. He had four that dude. Then they got into a fight with him and he took his action somewhere else. Whatever. It was a great gym. He was in the boxing movie with Denzel. Denzel to a boxing movie, guys. He did the hurricane. Yeah. He was one of the black fighters in the hurricane. I used to see Denzel there. What a nice guy. Legitimately nice person. Well, watch The Golden Globes last night. Not me. I gotta tell you something. And this is my opinion. People are gonna like this opinion. Ricky Gervais is one of the funniest fucking people I've ever seen in my life. His time. You know, listen, even if somebody wrote

those jokes for him, which I doubt because he says them with such confidence and such what's the word I'm looking for? You have to be a comic to hear it. The ownership. You have to go somewhere else and hear it. When my wife put it on, I was in the kitchen and that's when he was going into the thing like, guys, guys, it's not going to be that type of show. This kid's watching. I've changed. I've changed. Not, not whatever changed. You know, Kylie Jenner. That's funny. But I've changed. I've changed. And he went off on that. He just went off on a lot of little things that were really funny. And you could tell it irks the people. Yeah. He hits hard. Oh, I remember the last time everybody he doesn't curse. He cursed like two or three times. You

could tell he's tanked. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Having a good time. I mean, I watched I like all that shit. I was telling Lee, I never, ever, ever got so fucking aggravated. What do you got? You got the opening if you want to watch it. Let's watch the opening. Look how fucking funny this motherfucker was. He was a bad ass last night. He's funny. So you going to Denver with Ari? I think so. I didn't know I was doing it, but I think I'm doing Denver with Renaz easy and Ari get two weeks there. I love it there. Shush, you disgusting pill popping sexual deviant scum. I want to do this monologue and then go into hiding. Not even Sean Pennell find me.

Hello and welcome to the 73rd annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton hotel. He's Daniel Tash Times tank. He's that fucking good. With all these rich, beautiful celebrities having the time of their lives. Let's hope no one spoils that. Yeah, I'm going to try and be nice. Your global mega stars with amazing talent, most of you. A few of you just married well. You know who you are. We all do. We all do. We are live on NBC and it's right that NBC hosts this award show because they're the only network who are truly fair and impartial and that's because they're the only network with zero nominations. So nothing in it for them tonight. They don't care who they don't care, obviously.

But as I say, I'm going to be nice tonight. I've changed not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously. Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course. What a year she's had. She became a role model for trans people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn't do a lot for women drivers. You can't have everything, Tanya. Not at the same time, anyway. So I am going to be nice tonight and I'll tell you why. The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press just told me if I say anything offensive or crass or resort to innuendo, he's going to come out here and personally pull me off. So that's an offer I couldn't refuse. Yes. Yes, that is the level. An old man pulling me off.

Again. At least Jeffrey Tambor didn't in a dress. What an actor. What a role. Look at this fucking guy. He didn't know what to do at first Jeffrey Tambor. Every day. He's just wrapped up there. All the women's clothes and the hair and makeup and let people film it. That takes balls. So I don't know how he does it. I really don't. I've seen these balls. They're huge and long. I don't know if he tucked them in the bra. I does that thing when you push them out the back and let them hang out like a ball dog. No one knows. No one knows. I don't know if that's because he's such a great actor or because he reminds me of my nan. One Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean that some film stars would

stay away for fear of being made fun of. As if film stars would stay away from the chance of winning a Golden Globe. Particularly if their film company has already paid for it. I'm telling you this is fucking gold man. So what's happened this last year in this crazy business week old show. The excellent spotlight has been nominated. Yeah. The Catholic Church are furious about the film as it exposes the fact that five percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever. That's coming ladies and gentlemen. When she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood

and she received overwhelming support from people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying how the hell can a 25 year old live on 52 million. There were plumbers around the world going poor girl in town. Where's Rocky now. But joking aside of course women should be paid the same as men for doing the same job. And I'd like to say now that I'm getting paid exactly the same as Tina and Amy did last year for hosting. Now I know there was two of them but it's not my fault if I want to share the money is it. That's their stupid fault. It's funny because it's true. The Hollywood foreign press deemed the Martian a comedy and even nominated it and hence Matt

Damon is here tonight. So that worked a treat. To be fair the Martian was a lot funnier than Pixels. But then again so was Schindler's List. And that's a room full of juice. All female remakes are the big thing. There's a female remake of Ghostbusters. There's going to be a female remake of Oceans 11 and this is brilliant for the studios because they get guaranteed box office results and they don't have to spend too much money on the cast. So shut up. I don't care.

Listen if you do win tonight remember that no one cares about that award as much as you do. But no it's true he's got great timing. He says the toughest shit in a room full of toughest people with the best fucking conviction that I've seen. You know we're at the commie store. We see people with great conviction. This guy's great. He's fucking great. Do people listen to his podcast? It's not like number one. I thought it'd be like fucking hilarious. And I know that at times he gets on people's nerves. He says shit. I think he charges for it doesn't he? That's brilliant shit right there for me. That's brilliant shit. And a room full of stiffs too. Like he's hitting them hard. Guys you know you see people

doing stand-up specials and everybody's laughing you know. You have no idea what it is to do one of your best jokes and people stare at you and you keep going and they stare at you and they don't get it. I went to the fucking club outside of Chicago. It's not the Chicago improv. It's the Schomburg. Schomburg improv is like the house of fucking horrors. Like that's where you go and they turn the fucking place into the house of horrors on Halloween. It is the house of horrors like they were so uptight but they weren't uptight for just Ari and me. They were even uptight for Rogan. When Exodus came on by what's the black dude you know movement for the people. Oh Bob Marley? Bob Marley. They were stiff. I had never seen anything like that in my life. The other day my

wife was saying to me what type of comedy clubs do you like performing at? I told her this. I said listen I like the club where the guy who owns a place or runs a place makes you feel just a tad special. Yeah. People at home like Joey what do you mean by this? You have to get your limousine? No. There's some clubs that you work and you don't even see the guy all weekend. Yeah. You know what that's like? That's like you flying into somewhere and the guy that fucking you know your uncle doesn't show up all weekend or something. Yeah it hurts your feelings. It hurts your feelings. I work at so many great clubs where you feel connected to them when you go there. It's like visiting family. It's great. Yeah. It's like visiting family. I love it. And then there's clubs that you go and

it's basically a paycheck and you know what a guy like me doesn't even want a paycheck like that. I want to go somewhere where it's going. If I got a fucking pack and dread going to your fucking club. Then it's not worth it. It's not fucking worth it. You know if I don't like nothing about your club now I just don't go there you know. It's my wife goes I don't understand. Now a lot of the club owners hang out. When you go to governors in Long Island, Mark's there. That's cool. Mark's there. He's always there unless the baby's being born or something acceptable. You know when you go to Jersey Vinnie Brand is there. You know when you go to some improv's you don't see the owners but the managers are so dynamite. Yes. You know West Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale are the couple

of the guy and the wife. Melissa fucking great management team. You know when I was a when I first started in comedy it used to be the people at the comedy cabana in Myrtle Beach South Carolina Christine and her husband Jeff. You know I remember one time eating peppers with Jeff in the back room and he goes my father's one of the top heart doctors in the country and if you ask any heart doctor they won't tell you this is the best food you could eat. Hot peppers. Roll peppers. Any of those green peppers and yellow peppers and red peppers. Bell peppers. Yeah. He goes that's this is the best thing you could eat for your fucking heart. I was blown away. I always ate peppers after that. The yellow peppers they're rich in something.

That's great. They're really rich in something that people don't talk about. It's like those things that doctors don't want you to know because you know shit like that. But then you work in places where you're just fucking uncomfortable. I used to work this club guys in Saginaw, Michigan and Traverse City. The guy was older than death. He was a fucking monger. Okay. Listen to me. 22 years in comedy. Nobody's ever paid made me pay for a hotel and they pay you for the hotel on Saturday night. This is how cheap this guy was. He wouldn't even pay for your hotel. You had to check in pay for yourself and then he would give you if the room was 5823 a night. He would give you 5823 a night instead of just giving you 120 or something

and giving you five dollars for your ad. You had no idea. The guy was just a fucking dickhead and he did it as a write off or something. He was like, uh, he was like, I heard the story from the waitress. Me and one of the waitresses became great friends. He was just, she had weed and she had kids and she had a husband. The entire club was right off. It wasn't a club guys. It was a fucking theater that sat like maybe 180 people and you, it was no doubt guys. I did it for the sake of comedy and to be out there. It was the type of weeks that were price leaders. I used to call them. You just break even. You break even because it's not worth me paying 800 hours to make 600 at your club. So what I need to do is book three weeks to make it worth it. So if you

give me another six, that's 12. And if I can put together a string of one nighters and 200 a piece and do five of them, that's a thousand. So I made 2,200 bucks, but the plane ticket was six. It was worth it. You follow me. The plane ticket was eight, whatever the fuck I said. So you have to figure out those days on your own. So even if you're making money on the weekend, one Sunday comes, it's a river, dirty Steve Simone. And here you are in Saginaw, Michigan. So you got to get like, I know there was no fucking hotel.com then or bang that you could blog down for the cheapest hotel room. Or no, you had a fucking call and find out what was going on and what are the weekly deals and what can you do for me Monday to the off days and shit. It was rough. So that's what you had to do.

You had to put a shitty week in there. Sometimes it's better than not doing it. I rather make 400 as a feature for six shows did not do not to be working, not to be working. I'm already out here. Anyway, it's four hours from where I'm at. It's a $22 bus pass. I don't start till Wednesday. It's Sunday. He just gave me the week on Monday. Yep. In those days, Lee's, I used to get up on Monday morning called Yoder and go, Mr. Yoder, I'm in fucking Buffalo, New York, and I have next week off. Can you find me something? They go, no, no, no, call me back at four o'clock. This guy always found you something three hours from where you were at. Wow. And you took a bus, you know, you don't have to be there till Wednesday. This was when comedy started on Wednesday and it was

like a bar. The guy that does the radio in Buffalo now owned the bar in North Carolina. And that was one of the first clubs Yoder put me in. If I tell you what they paid me guys, it was embarrassing, but I love going to Buffalo so much and doing comedy. I did the condo is shit. The fucking club was kind of weird, but the food for two, three days, I like a fucking bandit. That's great. It was a fun city. Every time I went to Buffalo, I saw a good fist fight. When you're a feature act and somebody's headlining, you're starting to kick ass in their scumbags, you get entertained. You really learn how to become a comic. You know, I know a lot of young comics that come around here and they talk to them like, oh, you don't go on the road. And

is it necessary to really go on the road? I'm not saying that you need to get it, but it builds you chops. And when you go out as a feature in those days, I used to put this all together on my own. There was nobody. I would leave for six weeks at a time, leave 10 weeks. You know me. We've had a thousand discussions. Well, I look like I like leaving for 10 weeks, but I knew I had to do it to become a really good comic. I knew I had to do it. And it wasn't as much as getting on stage. It was the experiences that I endured those buses. I used to take a bus everywhere, Lee. There was $39. I would get on a fucking great Ralphie May and John Westling used to laugh at me because they would drive me to that LA bus station downtown, that creepy fucking free

track down there. Union station? Union station. That's a scary fucking place, Jack. And I would take that 11 o'clock bus to El Paso with a bag of coke on me, doing bumps the whole way like Santa Claus with the fucking reindeer. Are you kidding me? Or what? God. But I knew I was paying the price for something I believed in. And at that time I had come back and bought Marguerite show Tom Rhodes and Greg Harald, though, had been on and off TV as quick as can fucking be. You know, they forced them on too early. The writers didn't work with them. They didn't know how to connect their material to the TV show and the show's failed. At that time, the success of Tim Allen and Roseanne, the networks were really looking for

the next comedians. And I remember that watching Tom Rhodes at the improv one night when I first got here in 97 and the show had just been canceled. He looked a little depressed, but he was going up on stage. And that meant a lot to me. I was like, if that happened to me, I packed my bags and go home like a pussy that I am. And all of a sudden I learned something from a guy that failed. Like he didn't fail. His show failed. Right. But he went back to stand up. And I noticed now that people that over the years that I've been friends with, that they got away from stand up or whatever stupid excuse. And now the direction they didn't want to go to isn't going that way. So they're trying to get back into stand up. And one thing

I'm really happy about is that I always stuck it out with stand up. No matter how bad, like, I mean, you were on the set of longest yard with me. There were days where you used to look at me and go, you know, who would go to work after that? Who would get on stage after that? How would you get on stage on the weekends? I would fucking do it. Yeah. You know, you see that shit around you. That shit gets to your head sometimes. You're like, I just did a movie of Bert Reynolds. Why the fuck would I get on stage anymore? I always knew it was going to help me the more I got on stage. And it did. It did. And I see guys that got on TV shows didn't fucking work the program. And now the TV shows off the end, nobody's gonna see you. And now it's a different fucking game.

Do you think you could make a living as an actor? Like, let's say, I don't know, like there was no comedy for some reason. Lee, I talked to a lot of fucking people in the city right now. And I talked to a lot of actors. I just saw what's the Denzel movie, American Gangster was on two times this last weekend. Once on AMC. I enjoyed that movie. Me too. And one of the guys that played a cop with the cops when they go to the house and raid and he says, Hey, nice dog. And the guy comes over and picks up the thing, pick up the house and he shoots the dog and the money's under the thing. That guy, I did two and a half minutes. We did four days

a week before Christmas for one fucking scene at the end. But I always used to see him in my auditions and they always say hello. That gave me an opportunity to talk to him. So the other day when I saw him in American Gangster, I said, shit, I haven't talked to that guy in a while. We were talking about him being on the podcast. And I fucking sent them a Facebook and he goes, man, my world, this is dead. This is what happened to this business. He goes, they said it was in New Orleans and now they say it's in Atlanta and all this shit. The actor thing is very fucking hard because it's not what it used to be money wise either. They just had an article and variety that was on Twitter. People retweet it constantly. It's better if you recur now on a show in a series

regular because there's no money in series regular money no more. And recurs, what's the difference? Recurs when I give you five episodes, four episodes, you come in for bigger money. If you're a guest star on a show, they'll say to you, okay, Steve Simone, you're going to be a guest star on my show. We're going to shoot eight episodes. You run on every fucking episode with the work week is from Monday to Friday. It's unlimited. We're going to give you 48 hours. 40 hours is what you got for three days back when I moved here. 40 hours is fucking nothing. That's what's 48 divided by five. That's nothing. That's nine dollars. Scale is $700. So they want to give you $40 for fucking wardrobe and a table read

and people at home like, fuck you, Joey, $4800. You know how many fucking pork chops I can eat with $4800? Not when you pay union dues and they bang you out three times a year plus at the end they bang you for a point and a half plus the commission plus the fucking taxes. Are you people kidding me? I got to make fucking 50 grand just to get insurance break even you have no fucking ideally. So if they're paying you 4800 a week and you and that's nothing and how many auditions you have to go on the book that week for 4800 four fucking auditions and then so Monday's a wardrobe and table read day Tuesday's rehearsal day Wednesday you run it for the producers Thursday you run it for the network and Friday you fucking tape and if your day starts at 6 a.m. Friday and

you're there at 11 o'clock sorry fucking sorry it's it's it's it's become something different. So if you recur you go on there five times maybe they'll give you four grand for your episode. So Steve's on the show fucking six days I come out for two days and make more as a recovery. That's what I read. I don't know if they're actually going to go through with that. I don't really dog. I haven't worked on fucking movie in a year. Well, I think I'm sitting across from you. It makes sense. Two years. I did a video game. That's it last year. I went for two commercial auditions. I used to book two commercials a year. Never mind. You wouldn't see them because I get cut out. It wouldn't get picked up or it's a mafia commercial.

But I used to go to fucking 12 auditions a fucking year for commercials 15 20. Well, if you were trying to make a living as an actor you would have gone out more last year. I think for you to make a living as an actor you got to go out 12 times a month three times a week because it's numbers. Yeah, it's like sales. Sales is the same thing. I'm not going to call three people and sell a fucking house. But if I call 25 people I'm going to have three people who are looking for a house. One person that's got an offer in but his escrow won't fucking go through. He needs the government to come through it alone. The house that's a little hundred thousand dollars cheaper. That's the comes to you from numbers. So if I go

out on the first of the month that role might be something that's a slow roll. It's not shooting for six months until fucking shoots in New York. That don't give a fuck. You go on tape. Then you go for an audition and you go for a TV show that shoots next week. You got to keep going. You got to keep building these up. So eventually that guy from the first call the actor on this show fell out. So there you go. You were the second choice. It's fucking amazing. It's like one in the lottery to get work. It's it's amazing. All the variables when you see sick. That's why I do not get the breakdowns. Most comics and most actors want to get the breakdowns. They want to know what's going on. It's like somebody's showing you a picture of your mother suck of a dick when you get the

breakdowns crazy. That's what they do. Breakdowns break you down because you really see what's out there for you. You know I could get this. I could get this. Oh my god. You sit there drooling at the mouth and next thing you know you're sending packages you're calling then you get desperate and you get desperate and they sense it and then no no no when I used to get the breakdowns for a year I walked around with a frown. I thought I was a piece of shit. How come I'm not going in for these roles. And then somebody told me I say there's 10 roles for you. Five of them are going to direct this for at least just because they show those up. They're already cast. Yep. Nothing you could fucking do. They're already gone. And now there's five of them. There's a casting director

that doesn't like you. There's another one that thinks you're just a tad too old and there's another guy that thinks you're too soprano-ish. So the 10 breakouts that came out that week you were only really good for fucking two. So if you only go off for three fucking auditions a month two of them are already gone. They're already gone. They already went to a director. And even if they have an offer out they'll still read people. Why would you waste somebody's time. When you're right when you're reading a book anybody would read a book and as you're reading a book you're casting the fucking thing. Yes. No. Or you hear a real life story and you go oh you know who'd play that. Really. You've never done that. No. Cast a book. It's brilliant. It's the most brilliant

thing you could do. Okay. Let's pick a book then. Okay. In 1994, 1996, Joshua gave me a book called Sleepers. There you go. And he goes this is a great book. You got to fucking read this book. And it hit home with me about four kids. They had each other's back. Yep. They went to jail. They got molested. They never told nobody and they went out. The Count of Monte Cristo. The Count of Monte Cristo. Yeah. Just a great story which was true. It was a true story. Then the guy had a backtrace and when they put a gun in his fucking mouth. He was really a Puerto Rican kid. That was one of the kids. They all hung out together. But one of the kids ended up being the Westies. A tough guy in the Westies. Jesus. So and that's a great scene. That movie. I haven't

seen that in so long. Sleepers. Sleepers. The shooting scene hit it on YouTube. Sleepers. You ever see it Lee? No, I don't know. Why would you? You were too busy seeing Tina Fey and whatever that's why you haven't seen fucking sleepers. Can we tell them about the phone call I got? No. Let's put sleepers on and we'll talk about it. Okay. So what am I searching for? Sleepers. Shooting scene? Yeah. Shooting scene. Sleepers. I read the fucking book and I gave it back to Josh. That's when we were on the road. It's features. Yeah. And I'm like, Josh, this is a fucking great book. And I remember looking at Josh going, this is going to be a great fucking movie. And we just had a conversation. Like who would you pick for this movie? And I told him my picks

and he told me his picks and we moved on with our fucking lives. Nobody got their feelings, right? And all of a fucking sudden he goes, he calls me when he goes, hey, pick up the USA today. And then he goes, go to the entertainment section right there in bold letters. De Niro picked this for the priest. Oh my fucking god. That's the same guy we did. What's it say? Well, this one is the first one that came up. It's in sleepers. And then this one says, no politics, no religion. That's it. That's the one. Oh yeah. That's a great fucking scene. No politics, no religion. Watch this guy. Look at this guy. Plays tremendous in this. Whatever his name is from, almost famous.

Make a big one. Work to the house. It's going to take more than four years to get on the tour of elections. He's got the rhythm. Hey Jerry, what are you talking about? You're talking about Reagan's speech. Order those two men some drinks and put on my tap. Jerry, you tell them that Republicans are not welcome in Hell's Kitchen and either a political conversion or change of conversation is in order. Shit thing. That was the 80s and the 70s. No politics, no religion in a fucking bar. Start a fight. Slow and slow. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let it roll. What are you doing?

Religion. No politics. Can you get my meeting? Billy Cudger plays a fucking badass. Westie, junkie, motherfucker. And this Irish dude. That's it. Let's see what the next one is. Let's see. We're looking for the shooting. Getting away with murder. The guy who plays the fucking godfather in this. You don't remember this movie, do you? No, I gotta go back. I remember it came out in the late 90s. One of the best fucking mobsters ever, ever, ever. Look at Lee coming up with videos that are available, slipping like a motherfucker. Unbelievable people. Monday night, January 11th. Get your

shit motherfucking together. ISIS has been sleeping lately, plotting their next fucking move and then you are playing fucking jigsaw puzzles and shit. What's it say there? No politics. What's that scene? This is a bomb? This one? No, a little higher. What's right there? What's that one? No, no, no, no. No, we don't see it there. A lot of people in this fucking movie. This is a great movie, man. Brad Pitt's in this fucking movie. Sinatra's grandson's in this movie. Kevin Bacon was in it. Kevin Bacon's in this movie. Keep going. It's gotta be in here. Hot dog cart. How old is Claire Searchant? The shooting scene. That's it. It should come up first.

Right there. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Right there. Right up on top. Watch that. And that... Oh, you ordered the meatloaf. The brisk is really good here, only you'll never know it. You fucked up. You gotta watch this with Paula. This guy raped him in jail. He was a prison guard and he raped all these fucking kids. Now you're scaring little pricks. Bothies. Allies. Scary shitless, but I... I tried to make it tough. I tried to make it hard. Oh, I had you all wrong then, though. So this time I thought you just liked fucking and beating up little boys. You two motherfuckers are going to burn in hell. You're gonna burn in hell. And after you... See who that was, guys? Did that hurt, no?

Is this a fucking great scene? Or is this a fucking great scene, Lee Syat? Sleep is Billy Kudgerup and the Irishman put fucking 20 holes in this fuck. Well, look who it is in the bar. Look who it is. Who do you think that is? Tony Soprano's mother fucking sister. Look what he says to the bartender, Lee. He says, put it on my tab. He goes, sorry about that. He apologized to the fucking bartender. Wow. And you got time to watch fucking Tina Fey next time? Next time you call me and say, Joey, this is the movie choices we have. What should I do? And I go, listen, stop at Blackbuster without the fucks open and get sleepers. And you and Paula watch this motherfucking movie, okay?

I forgot all about this till just now. That's a good movie. I'm going to see if it's on Netflix. And they talk to the priest. Daniro was the priest, right? Daniro was the fucking priest. Great. And the guy who plays the gangster, this was going to play the original priest. But he was a huge star in Italy. And they flew him in. They said, this guy, bro, and the scenes that after they say cut that people would just go, what the fuck was that? See, if we got that, the fucking gangster, I can't remember what his name is. Look for it. Pull up on IMDB. Pull up on IMDB. Sleepers gangster. Oh my God. I forgot all about this fucking. There's some people that just had it. This is a fucking movie and a half. This was a great book and a mediocre film.

But it was about four kids that went to jail, got molested, fucked in the ass. They made them suck the cops' dicks. They did horrible fucking things to him. But he made them suck his dick with the rosary beads and shit. I mean, they just did something. You know what? That's why I don't think I remember this movie. It's just a little bit too dark for me. I think I remember going, ooh, I don't think this is for me. What was the mafia guy's name? I'm trying to find it. I don't know. Was his name Fat Mancho? No. Young Shakes? No, give me the names from the top of the characters. Kevin Bacon, Billy Critter. No, no, no. Yep. The fucking names of the characters, not the original actors. Oh, okay. You

got to deal with it. Nox, Tommy, Father Bobby, John, Carol, King Benny. King Benny. King fucking Benny. Who played King? Oh my God. King Benny. You see the one that waited 10 years to get his revenge or something like that for the guy that broke his balls? Yes. And he took his teeth out and put them on the fucking thing. Yes. Yeah. King Benny. King Fuss Leapers, King Benny. And, but when he sits him down and he goes, listen, I've been, I mean, the guy makes you want to cry because he reminds me growing up a car. Mine, Basano. He says to him, this is when we play on my side. Tell them to record. You did your job. You're a good boy. I always liked you. Oh my God. Your heart fucking breaks. This guy's been teaching you the street

the whole time. And now he goes, listen, this is where it ends for you. He's got a scene when he goes to see black people on 125th street and the fucking to Rizzo's brother. Yeah. Listen, listen to him. Yeah. Put on the first one. Talking about King Benny. There you go. Right there. Click that one and you shouldn't see what comes up. King Benny to me was the best gangster I saw in movies. I think in a way better than he was refreshing. He just never did another fucking gangster movie. That's what sucked. What did you like about it? How he was just fresh. Like you had never seen him on the fucking scene. Click back. We'll put a different one on this ain't gonna work. This is some stupid. That's fucking web page.

Go to sleep is taken to Rizzo's brother. That one is even good right there. Yeah. What's this shit here? Where's where's you two? We deal with you two. I'm trying to go there. Unbelievable. Why did you even go to metaphor meta bill? Whatever the fuck this is from the start. We're you two people here. Jesus Christ. Lee, you're killing me. Salt in my eyes. King Benny. Look at Bert Christ with a karate sonar. You need that, you know what? All right. Click that one. It's not this one. This is the Italian version. Go back. No fucking King Benny. Jesus fucking Christ. How can there be no King Benny? You see they

got to deal with people. See you two slipping. Keep going. Take the comma out Lee and put an S. So it says sleepers King Benny. And put a fucking big S on sleepers. There you go. A capital S on sleepers. No, it's not fucking there. See people. I try to bring you the best in American entertainment and this is what I fucking get. I put that thing on this is Hell's Kitchen. You see the top of that real quick just put that on real quick. This is Hell's Kitchen. Put that on real quick. No, it's not working. You want to cross, Royce? Here you go. You don't come here.

You go to England or wherever the fuck they make it. If you want champagne, you go see the French. If you need money, you find the Jew. But if you want dirt or scum buried on the rocks somewhere or some secret nobody wants anybody to know about, there's only one place to go. Right here. Hell's Kitchen. It is the lost and found of shit. They lose it and we find it. Forget about it, man. I still see Fat Mancho around the town. He just shaved his head. He's my friend on Facebook and it hits him a little fucking whatever here. Monday night, you motherfuckers. We don't know what's cracking tonight and shit. Steve Simone's been quiet.

When we come back, we'll talk about it. What's going on with you, brother? Sorry to interrupt you. Love the Tony Bennett right there. Always. He's a fucking standby every Monday. I know. It's the greatest. What's up with you, player? I guess I'm going to go to Denver with Run is Easy and R at the end of the month. I'm trying to finish the writing for me and you.

And then you're going to Shanghai and shit. Going to Shanghai in March. I got the Comedy Store in San Diego in February. Sure, you do. We're putting it together. What have you done in San Diego once a month now? Whenever I can get down there. It's weird because San Diego's one of those places is just so easy. You get hooked. It's so beautiful.

You go down and you get a burrito. This is why I got a fucking burrito. Yeah, it's great. You get it's like doing the road, but you don't have to buy a plane ticket. And I'm so sick of airplanes at this point. You know, I used to just travel. I used to enjoy cities. Now they become a business.

Like I go in and I go out. I go home. I got a wife. Yeah. You know, we were talking about dunking trussles tour. Yeah, he's in a different city every night, right? Yeah, he's got six nights a week. I would go crazy after the fucking 11th night. I'm not going to lie.

I don't know why. I'm not mentally tough like that no more. I'd worry about my wife, the kid, the weather. You know, I'm not mentally tough like that. So many variables too. Every day it's always changing. You know, I wish I could do that. I wish I could go out for two months and then stay home for 10.

That's my fucking dream. But it's just not going to work. You know, I like the podcast to be fresh. You know, you want to be fresh. I'm not 21 no more. I could fucking tell, you know, I could fucking tell, you know. And that's, uh, I like that Gabriel goes out and stuff like that. I just don't have the endurance.

Yeah. First of all, I don't want to travel on a fucking bus dog. Listen, I don't want to smell your feet. I don't want you to smell mine. That's my motto since I was a kid. That stopped me from doing so many fucking things. Listen, there's nothing like, you know, there's nothing like I think the most humiliating thing about me going to prison was

having to walk into a bathroom and smell somebody else's shit. You don't know the meaning of life till you walk into a bathroom and you got to really smell somebody else's asshole, the deepness of that prison food with the salt and the fucking shit they put in it. So you'll get your dick hard and all that. You don't know what life is when you walk into a bathroom. That's your shit. What's your girlfriend's shit?

What's your wife's shit? What's your dad's shit? That's completely different. I'm walking in and seeing like this disgusting guy just took a shit in there plus somebody before. I said, take this shit at the airport. You're walking through a bathroom at the airport. It's a tornado shit.

It's just a bunch of shit spinning around and you walk into this thing and you're trying to piss and keep your life together. But you keep getting all these wet and you keep hearing, wow. Every time they flush, a new fucking dose of shit goes in there. It's like a perfume machine. I'm in the 70s and 80s. You put a quarter in there and you press a button that shoot you in the fucking neck like a fucking Arab or some shit.

Disgusting. That's what my point is. Oh, and Lee, I got problems too. I had a couple of fucking stars today. Sit up straight. Look at you. You're falling asleep. Wow, I'm doing good.

You're dreaming of stopping at the Chinese restaurant. You're looking at the clock. I can tell you're looking to see what time they're delivered to. I'm not even a psychic and I know this is about me. He's sitting there looking at me going. No, I know what time they delivered to. Where am I going to eat tonight on the way home? Where are you going to eat tonight?

What are your plans? Chicken and string beans? How good are those chicken and string beans? They're fucking good. With the steamed rice, maybe a little shrimpy poo? Have you tried the sliced pork over there? Tell me the truth. No, I don't.

When I find something, I don't really go off of it. Like I'll add the little things to it, like soup, but I'll stick to it. So you got to deal with it. Where's the sliced pork? Does it have the red edges on the sliced pork? I don't think so. You got to be careful with pork.

Yeah, you got to be careful with pork. That's why they're wrapping it too. I'm really fucking careful with pork. I've been careful with pork, guys, for 30 fucking years. You get that trigonosis or whatever. These people who are crazy about this pulled pork. Listen, if you go to Subway and you get the pulled pork, and you die of cancer, you deserve it.

You're brother upon yourself because that shit will trigger something in your nervous system. Pulled pork from Subway is turkey. That they put in pork blood. Took it out and then cook it. It's like they're fucking Arby's. Remember Arby's? 15 years ago, you'd walk into Arby's 20 years ago.

You put some moist right at Sean. They killed the fucking germs and some of the bugs on the roast beef. But Jay, you put some of that fucking staminke cheese. Bro, my friends took a picture of Arby's and sent it to me in Twitter like fucking two years ago. It was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen in my fucking life, what they did with that meat.

It's like that fucking meat at the shawarma places where we eat, that they put everything in there like bonbons and shit and they just slice it off. Even though that place from the wheat store I heard is very fucking good, man. You know, the reason why I stick to certain items is because I know what's going to get me sick. I don't get seafood almost anywhere.

And then when people eat stuff that makes them sick, it's like- And then you got the sushi and blame it on my cookie. It was your fucking goddamn cookie. It wasn't sushi. I went back there recently like a month ago. I know you did. You didn't get sick that much.

I didn't. You fucking lied on you. I didn't goddamn it. He always blames it on something else. You're trying to blame it on my fucking wheat cookie. And then he, now can we talk about that call he got just randomly on Saturday night? I, and I was going to write a blog about this

but let's just talk about it. Okay, never mind, I'm sorry. Let's just talk about it since you brought it up. I'm a criminal. I'm a fucking lot of things. And I fucked up in my life. I'm sure Steve fucked up. We're all human.

The one thing I like about Steve Simone that you guys have to like about me is I don't know about races. I don't know about USC. I don't know about a lot of things. But I know about comedy. And I know who's faking the funk. And I know who's tricking America.

Yeah. Half of this shit is a fucking trick. Yep. One of the punch drunk guys I know, Vinny Kernel told me something once in an audition. He goes, I really respect what you do. He goes, you got something these guys don't have. And I'm like, here we go Vinny Kernel.

He goes, no, no, no. In their lives, there's a director and there's another. What you do on stage. That's what the fucking entertainment's about. Fucking a boxing guy hitting that 80 times told me that. Wow. And I've always thought about that. When I came from Cuba, I loved the Dick Van Dyke show.

That was a great show. I liked all these little subtle type comedies. But when I was a kid and I was learning English, the one thing I did not understand was out of the 10 shows I watched, five of them were funny. I love Lucy, but the other five, I didn't think were funny, but there was a lap track. Yeah.

Now at that time, I didn't know it was a lap track guys. I'm not going to tell you that I'm seven and I know there's a lap track. I did not know what a lap track was. When I watched the monsters, I would laugh and they had a lap track. When I watched the Adams family, it was a different humor than the honey, but then the monsters, but I laughed. The show that put who I am today. The reason why Joe Diaz is a comedian.

You know, when you ask people, they tell you this made up contusion of fucking lies. Yeah. And when they tell you something, nothing happens off one thing. I agree with that. It's a bunch of things that come together that make you react to something. A, you listen to an album at your friend's house about comedy. You went, bought an album again. You listen to the second I listened to the niggas crazy and then by Centennial Nigger,

which I want to become a stand up, not fucking really. Okay. But then things happened, you know, different things popped up. I saw Lenny Clark on Rodney special. I saw Kenison. You know, I just saw all these things. And something pushed me over the top in 1990 for people who are young and don't remember comedy was all over television.

I mean, guys from 87 on, you couldn't switch the channels. I'm going to tell you who had television. If there was a pen here, Lily, let me tell you who had, and this is, he's a young guy. A and E did comedy. Do you know that night at the improv night at the improv and Sunday morning comics with Rosie O'Donnell. And then she quit and they gave it to the kid, my friend. He's have Spanish Bobby Collins. Nobody remembers this shit.

They had this other show comedy, whatever they had MTV half hour, half hour comedy hour and Kamikaze. They had 20 fucking TV shows on. I remember Felicia and the guy from the old Jewish kid from the store. And I remember a lot of those guys on those shows. So after listening to prior and listening to Kenison, one day when you're sitting there in Stoneville over the fuck you are, you see some stand up and you go, I'm funny in this guy. Yep.

And then two people at work say to you, Hey, have you ever considered stand up? And it's all these events that made the person get into stand up the way it might make somebody go to law school. Yeah. The way it might make somebody become an astronaut. It's it's an event of things. Now, when you're saying like before, before you actually make the decision and you're saying, no, do you still secretly want to be a stand up or no?

At this age, I was living in my house. I just got thrown out of Catholic school. I had my own TV in my room. And one night I started watching this fucking show and it was a fat guy. His name was Jackie Gleason and he would push around this other guy. And I don't know somebody I didn't like some of the black and white shit at that age. I was very impartial black and white television. I just didn't like it.

I didn't know me being from Cuba. Why am I watching black and white television? I should be watching fucking color TV. Yep. But this shit was so funny. But there was a show that came on after that called the fucking a couple. Oh my God, with the pigeon sisters and all this shit.

And then you had the Twilight Zone. Oh my God. And then we had Samford and Son on Friday nights and you had Chico and the man on Friday nights. But there was quite something about the 11 o'clock show. The honeymoon is oh my God. I would run home at night. My mom would make fleet with SS. You know fleet with SS was on.

It's calf brains. Breaded with chicken cutlet. With progressive breadcrumbs Italian. And then fried on a frying pan. Deeply burnt. And when you eat them, the inside is crispy and your mom would squeeze lemon on them. And I don't know how many nights I would sit there with a plate in front of me, like 30 of them.

Just sliced, leafed and cast-brained. And I'd be on the phone with Valentine Farrell or Whitey O'Donnell or somebody howling at the honeymoon. And you know, from stupid lines, we'd be howling. And then you just watched them. Then Benny Hill came on at 1030. And now I'm in the eighth grade. I'm in the fucking, I'm in the eighth grade.

And this is my fucking comedy. And there's a guy by the name of Peter Sellers. And he's making these fucking movies that every time I fucking go to these movies, I fucking die a fucking laughter. I'm dying a laughter. But the whole time I'm watching these honeymoon. Then something weird happens. One day certain kind of kids in my class would chit-a-chatter on Saturday.

Monday mornings about this fucking show called Sign That Live. Oh my God, did you watch the sketch? Oh my God, it was so. And I'd sit there and go, what's Sign That Live? And they would go, it's on before Don Kirsten's Rock Concert or the Mid-Lake Special. And I would go, what the fuck are you people talking about? And the girl's name was Jacqueline Garcia. Jacqueline Garcia, our sister Lillian.

And they had like a certain boyfriend. They were way older than me. Lillian was a year older than me. Lillian was a couple of years older than me. Jacqueline was a few, like a year older than me. And then all the kids would go over to the house. So one fucking Saturday night, Saturday night, you stayed home. It was the love boat.

It was Fantasy Island. You didn't fucking leave the house. We would all meet like at 7.30, smoke a little pot, get fucking really stoned and go to somebody's house and watch Fantasy Island and this fucking other show, this fucking love boat. And if you were lucky, you made out with the girl or whatever. But now I start hanging out. I'm smoking dope.

My mom still had the bar. And one night I'm going home and I'm like, this is going to blow my fucking doors off. And I put on sand and I'm fucking lying. And I sat there for 20 minutes, listening to these people laughing and this. And it was like, not for nothing. I don't think this is funny.

I didn't say nothing. I went to school that Monday. And again, that Saturday I fucking went home and put it on again. And I was like, this is not fucking funny, but I couldn't say it. I couldn't say it because all these kids said it was the best. They said it was the best. And then a new guy came on the scene. His name was Benny Hill.

And his show would come on at 10.30. That changed the game for a lot of motherfuckers. You see some boobs on there. You see some boobs on there. You see a girl with a bikini. You get all hot jerk off. You be dizzy. Then the honeymoon would come on.

And then it was on and on. But this whole time I'm thinking, boy, this fucking show sucks. And then, you know, Animal House was funny. And then, you know, how Remus made, you know, I wasn't a big Ghostbuster fan the first time I seen it. I was a fucking big time. Once Eddie Murphy got outside that line, I started watching Eddie Murphy and him and Piscobo doing Sinatra.

That's when I really, really enjoyed that. Like I wouldn't go home for it. But if you taped on the VCR, I'd fucking watch. And I'd laugh at Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy in 1982 might be the greatest force of nature in comedy. That was, and then he released, was it 48 hours? He released 48 hours. September, October of 82, 48 hours came out.

You have no fucking idea. Trading places. You've never seen 48 hours. I've seen trading places. Trading places. You've never seen 40 hours. You can't handle 40. That invented like almost a whole new genre

of like that action comedy type film. Well, it invented the action comedy and it also blew up the black, white. If you see how many roles they've done since then, the black, white, and they've actually said, listen, we want, it's Eddie Murphy. If they wanted Eddie Murphy's ever since that, because Pryor wasn't like that with the white boy.

That was fucking hilarious. Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder. They had great chemistry too. It was a different thing, but great. It was a different thing. Yeah. The Eddie Murphy's thing with whatever was.

With Nick Nolte. Dan Ackroyd. They killed it together. Eddie Murphy. Luther. Luther. You know, he was great in that movie too. The guy from the longest yard, the whole scene.

I mean, it was just weird, but I was never really sold on Saturday Night Live. And then I get into comedy. You know, I hear the stereotypes that you have to be a really good stand up and they won't let you on there. They're improv groups. No, I got it.

I got it. All right. I'm not here to judge nobody. I just fucking said it's not my thing. I don't know. And if I would go home with some nights on Saturdays and I'd watch Saturday Night Live and it was just horrible.

Horatio, whatever. It was just garbage. And one day I saw a sketch with Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz. Look at this fucking Mukyak. Horatio Sanz and the other guy. And it was a sketch of a snake had bit Horatio Sanz and the dick.

And they called the doctor and then he hung up and he goes, what? He goes, the doctor says you have to suck it out. And he goes, he hangs up the phone. He goes, what did the doctor say? Am I going to live? And he goes, loser, you're going to die. That's the first joke you hear in the second grade.

Yeah. And it's like the Woody Allen movie when the girl gets bit on the boobs. I got insulted by that joke. I fucking waited for the show to end and I counted 19 writers. And I'm like 19 fucking white NYU kids. That's the best fucking sketch they could come up with.

We live in a fucked up society. So now, okay, I don't have to watch it. You think I helped it? You think I went on Twitter and my space or whatever and said, I don't like it? No, life goes on. I just don't like the fucking show. It's gone somewhere else.

It's a bunch of trendy New York kids who go there and they giggle and they drink a little wine and everything is just great. I would die of boredom at those fucking tapings. Yeah. I don't think it's what it once was for sure. I mean, nobody talks about it anymore. And like 11-year-old kid used to be like for kids.

Like it really was. It was when I was 11, 12. I loved it when I was a kid. And then you start to do comedy and you get out there. I'll tell you this. I'm so spoiled. I've been a comedy fan my whole life. I love it.

I've always loved laughing. Stand-up comedy in person is a totally different experience than watching it on TV when you feel a part of it. And sometimes I get depressed. I go to the store and I just sit and watch my friends and it's the greatest thing in the world. I'm spoiled. I get to see the funniest people in the world do their thing.

People always are really disappointed with me. Joey, you should really do a special. You know why I don't want to do a special? Because I don't like them. Out of the 200 specials they've shot, I can tell you six specials that have blown me the fuck away. Six specials that have really made me go home and go wow. I'm fucking thinking about this shit.

Do you want me to tell you? I know Delirious sent me for a loop. Absolutely. I know Dice Clay's first special sent me for a loop. Absolutely. I know Live on the Sunset Strip sent me for a loop. I agree with those three. One of the Colin ones, I don't remember the name of that,

sent me for a loop. And both the comedy things were the thing that got me in comedy were those two fucking danger field tapes. The Young Comedian specials. Young Comedian specials. Amazing. Amazing. You know, Seinfeld,

Damarera, Kenison, Hicks, Dice, Robert Townsend, Roseanne Barr, Carol Liefer. Those two tapes really put me over the top. I agree. That was my comedy fucking lesson. And I got to tell you something guys. I want the other night, fuck over here. Went on a date.

He got these cards. He took his date to Ruth Chris Stakes. Everybody was cheering. I saw Lude, you know what I'm saying? And the next minute I go, where are you? Because I'm at the movies. I go, all right.

He calls me late. I thought he was like a fucking good movie. He calls me and he got tricked into seeing that Betty Ford fucking movie with those two brothers. How was it? Horrendously fucking terrible. Just horrendously bad. You don't need to know that they're just milking them now.

It's been a while since I saw a comedy film that made me laugh. It's been a long time. And I think part of the problems I think like for me, part of the problems I get to watch stand up every night and it's great when you see it live. Somebody called me and they thought that Creed was the worst movie they ever saw in their life. A kid I've known for 35 fucking years.

They thought it was the worst movie they ever saw? The worst movies they've ever saw in their life. But like I said, everybody has different opinions. Especially with comedy. It's very subjective. I'm sick of fucking tired of going to bad movies. I went to sick concussion last week. Not fucking bad.

You know, they changed in a different direction, but I got what they changed and Will Smith always holds you. Over the weekend, I watched spotlight about the Catholic Priest and Boston fucking crazy. Fucking. Why did you go see that? Yeah, I see one. I go see Tina Fey.

I listen. How about you go sit and see Tina Fey by your fucking self? All right. I'm going to go see a fucking man movie. Sit to that shit. So the other night I'm going through my TV. My wife goes to bed. I got the night off.

I go, let me, I go sit on that line. We're starting. I put on that line and it's a repeat. It's Tina Fey and the fucking chick. And they're out there. Both of them look like they got hit by a fucking truck. And they're out there, whatever, and people are cheering. And it's just fake.

Fufu fucking cheer. And what they're saying, then they introduce the cast. And you can tell none of these guys have done dick. Like they fucking did Chicago improv shit for six months. Like they fold it. They had go up at the store in between Chappelle and fucking Ron White. They would fold. Like their heads would fucking explode.

It's un, it's un fucking explainable. What happens to you, you know? And I'm watching this show. Remember you told me that story about a kid that had all this heat and they threw him up in the OR and he buckled. And then that was it. They buckled. And then I called Lee right away and I go, you know, I'm watching this.

Joe Rogan retweeted something last week that Harvard studies prove that these new kids in college have no sense of humor. No sense of humor. Did you see the tweet? Go look to his tweets. Fucking interesting article. No sense of humor. Wonder what you can tell when there's young kids on my show.

I can tell. Are they the ones who are like, ooh, what happens? Ooh, and they walk past you and the girls walk past you. Meanwhile, they've had chlamydia twice. The fuck's wrong with you? Look at me all goofy. I have no idea what you just said. Anyway, you don't need to know what the fuck I said.

See what I got to deal with? You said, do you think it's easy? You think it's easy. You think it's easy being cheesy, greasy, and sleazy. Let me give you some shout outs here. My main man, happy birthday to Lance Armitrault, Jr., my main man, Tyler Knapp, Josh Dicegod, Daniel Jamie, Ian Spencer, Brad Miller,

Brandy Lin, my main man, running the Dominicans over there, Renee N. Carcione, and the whole Death Squad, motherfucking family. Don't not forget, I'll be in Charlotte, North Carolina, January 28th in St. Louis, Helium, February 4th through the 7th. Nice. What's up with you, brother? Always a pleasure to fucking see you.

Thank you for letting me stop by. No, man. What was I saying to you? Uh, one thing I see that nothing ever, nothing bothers me more when you watch a TV show. I never understood giving somebody something, if you're gonna say something. What do you mean?

Like, when I was a kid, my mom put an all-points bullet to knock on all my mom's friends, because in my society, in that age, whenever your mom's friends see you, they always give you a hug and they put 10 in your pocket. Yes. Or 10 in your hand. My mom caught me with a switchblade,

once a big fucking knife, and she found out what the knife cost, and she told everybody, do not give him fucking money. So there were some people who still put a 20 in my hand or a 10, and I wouldn't say nothing. But there were some people who put a 20 in my hand, and then a week later, go, what'd you do with the 20 I gave you last week in front of my mom?

In front of your mom. And I fucking want to kill him, you know? So, there's people, like, when you do a better fit thing at your house, people come to your fucking house for you, some guy give you a plaque, that you donated $25,000 and everybody claps, and you're a fucking hero in front of your friends.

I've always loved when I go, like, when I go on GoFundMe for somebody, and I donate, the reason why I put my name is because I want the people to know that I appreciate their support, even if it's on Twitter. I don't want them to buy a ticket. There's people, I go back and forth with it on Twitter, that I know they're good people.

We have communications, and just because they live in Canada, or whatever, doesn't mean that I've gone through their stuff. They've sent me stuff, you know, about their family. There's so many good people out there. Absolutely. Some great family just sent me a Christmas card. I forgot it on the table. I just got it late from the agency.

There's so many, I don't even know what I'm getting at the point. You know what I'm saying? I'm as high as Lee. I'm just keeping them one together. I was thinking, as earlier, now when you go somewhere, you know roughly how many people you have there, from the podcast or Twitter, before, would promoters kind of screw you?

Would they be like, oh, we'll give you this much money, but you have no idea of how many seats you can sell? Nobody tells you the exact amount of seats. They all lie to you by 50 seats. 50 seats at $20 is a lot of fucking money. 1,000 bucks. That's 1,000, no. 50 seats at $20, really no shit.

Yeah, 1,000 bucks. Well, yeah, 1,000 fucking bucks. That's a big difference in somebody's world. You know, a promoter will say, I only sat 225, but he sat 2 fucking 75. He's taken 1,000 right off the top before expenses. Already 25, 50% of that should go in your fucking pocket. But today somebody hit me up.

They want to produce a show. I know you want to produce a show, but here's what's gonna happen. You've never done it before. That means guess who's advertising this show, me. So you're not putting, you've never done it before. You know, well, what do you think that these agencies are gonna call you and push people to do business with you?

They don't know who you are. You just can't get a theater and go, guess what, I'm booking comics. You have to build a relationship, give deposits. You have to do all this shit. Prove that you're capable. Yeah, if not, they won't fucking listen to you. These agencies won't do it unless you go all right.

Steve Simone, Joe Diaz, and Lee. I want 10,000 a piece, but I want $30,000 up front. I want $25,000 up front. Again, that's how you know if an agency is real from the jump. I want the deposits for the room, the hotel room. I want the flights picked up. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. This all goes back to the 75 when he asked for that money up front.

You know, he knew if the guy was real, 25 is just a gift. Years ago, when he got really big, they said that, fucko, if you want me to read the script, 25 grand. Can you imagine? You're like, I have a script for Marlon Brando. I hope you got a check attached. What are you talking about?

Brando wants 25,000 to read the script. What are you talking about? I'm telling you, he's on the island, and he's got a fax machine over there, and the money comes right out in 20s. Go to Western Union and send the fucking money to him or not. He's not going to read your fucking script. People couldn't believe it.

And it raised people's awareness. It makes people know, and we're scared to ask people. We're feeling embarrassed because, you know, but look what happened. I didn't even know, I forgot all about that fucking story. When you slept on the floor, and some guy was fingering you in the middle of the night and shit. You know, I had a bed, but I felt terrible.

Like, I felt terrible because this is my first experience. I felt bad. I felt like I was holding Steve down. But life goes on. No, it ended up being fine. But how much of it at the beginning is not having enough confidence in yourself and be like, oh, I'm worth.

I can ask for this. It's not ridiculous that I would ask. I still remember every person that ripped me off. I still remember every person that gave me $100 and the room was packed. And I saw them getting the taste of the bar. I saw people years ago, there was a comic who had a room five hours away.

And they would pay you and then give you an envelope for him. And let's say you were the feature actor, and you got $150 in the Atlanta, got $250. One day I lifted the guy's envelope, he was getting $500. He was booking the room and taking $500 fucking dollars. So one day I did the gig again. And this time I got the same envelope. I put $300 in it.

I gave him that. I gave a split to $100 with everybody. And he called me and I said to him, tell him about that $500. Your budget for the two comedians were driving five hours. It's $450. I'm giving you $300. He was pissed.

He didn't talk to me for a long time, but he can't say nothing. Because if I out of them, I didn't end up losing the room to somebody. And that was the end of that. Right. How can you be a comedian? Listen, if you're a booker and you do that, I get it.

I get it. You probably have no office on the phone. But if you're a comedian doing that, you want to pick up a deuce for booking the room? I'm with you. Yeah, let everybody get that. Everybody. That's fine.

Four times a month, that's $800 a fucking month. Pay your rent. For booking the room. You do two of those a month. That's $1,600 a month. All you're doing is calling Joe Diaz and Steve Simone and going, the budget's $500. How the fuck do you want to chop it up?

If I were to give Steve $25, he takes it. He's an opening fucking comic. Yeah. You understand me? This guy was taking more than the fucking comics were, but not even driving. That's some shit that's fucking crazy. That's crazy.

I'm a thief and I wouldn't fucking do that. And he would have done it for years if he didn't get caught. Oh, he probably did do it for years. He did it for years. Well, that's what I'm saying, but he would still be doing it. Probably. See, when I gave that envelope, when he called me the next day, it was hilarious.

He didn't know about the same envelope trick. You know what I mean? I pulled that trick. When I was 18, I used to work at a bar in the deposit and the guy would keep 10 of those deposits in the freezer in the refrigerator. I had the double key. I would go in the middle of the night and fucking,

you know, me at first, I was steaming the envelopes and taking the $100 bill out and leaking it, but it would pop up in the lid and he would know. So I said, fucking, I just went and got the exact same envelopes. He had another bar and I would go in there, rip the envelope he had, take a yard out and put, change the number and put it in there with the receipt. He'd go crazy.

Now they got out of the fuck that they get into the envelope. They must be a magician. Stop bitch. You got to mind the Joey Diaz when he needs code. That motherfucker becomes creative. Fuck purple rain and all that bullshit. Look at the shape of your head's bobbing like a retarded little kid and shit.

Look at you. But my point was, man, we discussed on the podcast once, Lee said, listen, don't forget to go to this thing and donate Steve some of this thing. I go leave before you get home, please tweet it so I can donate. Then like a week later,

and when I went home, the baby, the wife, I call them and a week later, Lee goes, listen, he raised a bunch of money. It was a miracle. You know, you didn't fucking bitch about it. You didn't make a big deal about it. You know, you realize how lucky you are every day when you get up.

There's a lot of motherfuckers that do not realize. I'm the type of guy. I like donating to things, but I don't want people to fucking know. Yeah, I want people to know I want to make that day. Forever, I always kept my mouth shut. And then I realized the world does a really good job of giving people an opportunity to do the wrong thing.

Every day we're surrounded by opportunities to fuck up. And I thought, you know what, I know people are good and people want to help. And I go, I have an opportunity for people to help. So I didn't break anybody's balls about it. I was just like, hey, there's people out there. We could put the money, right? Go straight to the families.

There's no organization taking 90 cents of every dollar. This is going straight to a family that's trying to put together a Christmas for their kid who's in the hospital. Or this is going straight to a family where their kids got cancer and the moms got cancer and their house burned down. And we're going to make sure that they got a house

to move into when this kid gets out of the hospital. And people, I believe in people. I really do. And I think people are amazing. And I was very humble to have a chance to say, like not like, hey, look at me for doing this, but hey, there are people that need help. If you want to help, here's your chance.

And people did it. So I'm going to continue. I think that's going to be a big part of my life because I am so grateful for all the blessings I've been given. And I don't deserve all the great things in my life. So I just want to make sure if there's ever a chance for me to help to somebody, I am going to help. I am.

That's it. Very nice. Yeah. You know, I'll have to read the Steve Simone Foundation for fucking kids missing the hook or nothing. Yeah, whatever. That's what I like. I like that you didn't.

And I respect that. I respect that a lot. I really, there's people are very good at that. There's people, that's what they genuinely do. Yeah. And there's people who just do it to get attention. Yeah, I'm not one. And I see it coming a mile away.

Yeah, I'm not one. When people do it to get attention, you see it coming a mile away. I cause it's about this is black village in Australia that people throw rocks at listen. There's black kids getting thrown rocks at and a lot of fucking right down the street. Right down the street, right down the street. You want to help somebody?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But they do it just to see more until how did you find out about. I did research. I went to a tour in Baja one year and what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. But the black kid down on the block, you never give a dollar to 711.

You know, he's not smoking crack. You could see, I know the difference between a crack smoker and a mental health guy. The mental health guy, sometimes I just go in the middle and give them one. That fat lady with the fucking wheelchair. That's a bum wheelchair. She goes around the corner with the school to get something to a Cadillac. I seen that fat fuck. She was in the back of the car and shit in the Cadillac.

Yeah. She's the fucking scam on this by 711. She plays with Todd and shows you a pussy like her underwear is like fat and they got skid marks on him. That lady lives in a fucking brand new Cadillac two blocks away. So you got to see her pick the wheelchair up with one hand and throw it in the fucking trunk and you are the two dollars. And she's taking that thing right the fucking the track up there and fucking

Rosedale, whatever that is. Hollywood Park, whatever. I swear to God. You got to be careful. I can tell the mental health. There's a little black kid by 711 and Magnolia. He comes out of the wilderness around 1030 quarter to 11. If you over there by 711, you'll see him by the dumpster.

I always buy him a pound cake, a Coke, and I give him like five fucking bucks and you see him, bro, his eyeballs. He's listen. It doesn't take a genius to know he's got mental health. He's not a black bum. He's got mental health. There's another black guy that lives right by my house under that bridge. There's garbage.

I won't take a donation. He tells me he chooses to live that way. Wow. And he's as intelligent. I've discussed this guy before. He lives on Chandler before you hit Colfax. There's a bridge under that bridge behind it. There's a fence opening.

He puts his shit out and in the daytime he gets son on the park bench. I don't know where he bates. He's got a thing with hubcaps and he sells them. You don't know how many times I've taken a hubcap and let me give you three dollars because I don't want no donations, man. I do. This is a choice. I've even tried to lay sandwiches next to him like from the fucking Jersey mikes.

He wants to cover his own spread. And I respect that. What the fuck am I going to do? I respect that shit. Look at you. You're sitting over there drooling all over yourself like, you know, Jimmy Belinda. You all right? I'm fine, yeah.

What'd you do today? You hung out at the house all fucking day. I got a nothing day. Yeah. No, I didn't get no sun today. The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. Well, I was trying not to get sick.

And yeah, I just had a day. I tried not to get sick. Cocksucking. What were you doing sitting on the couch trying not to get sick with your feet up, looking like your toes, thinking there's a good country. Yeah. Right now a kid of my age is getting shot in Israel. Here I am trying not to get fucking sick.

There's a black kid in Australia with flies on them right now. You think he's trying not to get sick? Australia. Yeah. But here you are in your condominium up there in Van Nuys, laying back, thinking to yourself, I'm not even going to leave the house today because I might get sick. Do you understand me? What I got to deal with?

I don't have the same exact day. I always do except I didn't leave for an hour and a half. How's that? You didn't leave till I called you five. You're lying sack of shit. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You were in the house all goddamn day.

I'm always in the house all day. All day. You didn't even step out to get sun. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Breathe fresh air. You're in there smelling that Jew air by yourself, the penny jar, the whole fucking thing by yourself.

You have to smell the penny jar sometimes. This is where I live with you. You understand me? I'm fast. Give me the fucking sheets. She pissed me off. Beautiful day today. It's going to rain for four days.

El Nino's making a comeback and you're in the house till four o'clock. Not even outside the peak. He lives like Herman. He lives like grandpa under the fucking stairs. I try to get him out. He's a young man. 27 years old. I try my fucking hardest to get him out of the house.

Nothing. He's thinking about getting sick. That's what he tells me. 20, 27, I was smoking fucking free base coke. I had a lung that was bleeding. You think I was worried about getting sick? That's what I got to deal with, ladies and gentlemen. But here you go.

This is why, how I deal with him. It's a great way to start your year, by the way. Let's be honest. Most of your problems start in your fucking mind. This thing I go through with the breathing. This is all in my mind. I worked out with a guy on Sunday and he was telling me how my heart rate was great. He goes, maybe you lost so much weight around your fucking chest

that your heart's beating a little bit too fast and you're not controlling it. He goes, just breathe it out of your nose. You know, fear, anger, stress, anxiety, depression, sleepliness. All this is caused by a little bit of stress. They begin in your head, but they can wreck your life. All right. So here's the beauty of it. It doesn't have to be that way.

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Andy is the founder of Headspace and the voice you hear in the app. You don't need to put aside loads of time or immigrate to Tibet. Andy did that for you. All right. It's very interesting. Yeah. No, no. 10 minutes is relatively easy to find, but it just takes a little effort.

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I want to be at Denver Comedy Works for the last two weeks of January with Ari Shafir and Steve Renazizi. And then where you going? And then the next day for sure is the third week of February. I'm going to be at the La Jolla Comedy Store. And then March, you're going to Shanghai. Yeah, Singapore and Shanghai. We got a lot of people listening to the podcast.

You do. We got family in fucking Shanghai. It's great. Last time somebody was on here talking about Shanghai, they went there, they did heroin. Some chicks sucked their dick with a blindfold on. That's a party we run here at the church, Jack. I love you, Joey.

Thanks for having me. Where you going? Where you going? Oh, I thought we were. And you're the blood driver on the 13th? Yeah, that'd be huge. Where's the blood driver? It's going to be at Children's Hospital Los Angeles.

Let me ask you this. They could give you a couple of volumes or anything to calm you down. I don't know. I don't think you could talk to the nurse. Give me a couple of volumes. They might do it for you. You ever see that? When people pass out, when they give them blood,

they go right for their dick. You ever see that? That's why they got to pop their pants open. If you go to the Red Cross, look at the people. They always got to go for their dick. They shake like that. You ever seen that? Who goes for the dick?

I don't know. That's why I heard one time. At those places, you got to be careful. People pass out in the shit. That's what they go for. How long is the drip? How long do you sit there giving blood? It all depends.

You can sign up in advance now. And how long do you sit there for, Steve? So what's the longest you've sat there giving blood? For me, it took a long time because I didn't make my appointment in advance. And I wasted that. Wait, that's not the question. They wouldn't take my blood because I went to Iraq. So I got to wait until May of this year.

Because I went to Iraq. You got to get blood driving, then get blood. You got me over here giving praises about you. You didn't even get blood. They wouldn't let me do it. You see what I got to deal with? I'm telling you, I'm honest. I'm not lying.

I went to the back. This guy don't get blood. This fucking gem up. Look at him. Look at this fucking dude. Where are you going to go, time? Home. Home.

And I hope so. So when people put the needle in their homes, they usually take the gun. Couple minutes. How many minutes? 20. 20 minutes you should be done. Yeah, 20 minutes, 16 ounces. Yeah.

Do you know how many times I would faint in fucking 20 minutes? They would just pull it out and go, no, that's enough. This poor guy, he looks like Jesus at the end of the road. Jesus Christ. Every time I think about that, I get anxiety. Just give him blood. Like, I could give a couple ounces. I could give six ounces.

You know what, between me and you, there's no kid that needs my blood. My blood is shot. I could see it. It's like purple. It's like, you know, it's like black people blood. I got like purple, tiger blood. Tiger blood. I got that shit with the hip, that fucking Charlie Sheen.

It just hasn't made his appearance. I got a rash on my ankle. I went for a yell. I don't even say nothing. You know what I'm saying? Every time I go for a blood test, I just keep my fingers crossed. Hail Mary. Hope they don't fucking catch it.

What do you got playing, Lisa? You got your new podcast, fuck off, don't you? Yeah, it's called Life in Neutral. The new episodes will come out tomorrow. But we have one, the first episode came out last week. You're beautiful. You're starting new podcasts. You're keeping it alive this year.

No more people coming disrupting you. You know what I'm saying? You get disrupted easily. That's it. This guy's the only guy you can disrupt. You can talk to him at one o'clock and he'll tell you about this diet he's on. South Beach at two o'clock. I'm going to get tacos.

I'm going to get tacos there. We just had to talk about dieting. What do you want to get tacos at? If you just get tacos, they're not bad. No, no, no. If you eat 18 of them. You don't eat 18 of them. How many tacos did you eat?

Four. Yeah. How do I know that? Do you think I don't know this? What about the rice, the sour cream? You don't get rice? You don't work out all week and nothing. I'm out there 50 fucking to sweat and like a pig smelling like dick.

And you're at home. God, I don't want to feel sick. That's what you're talking about. Yeah, just call us sick. And I don't want to get sick because we have a crazy week. You say, one guy don't get blood. The other guy don't want to get sick. I should stab him in the fucking neck right now.

He's probably a half a hemophiliac. He died over here. I love you guys. We'll be back Wednesday, the 13th or Thursday, the 14th. We haven't fucking decided yet. I love you motherfuckers. Also, rest in peace, Dave Bowie. It's a fucking shame, but we all die.

What are we going to do? We say, you know what I'm saying? I might be done tomorrow. You know, fucking dumb. God bless all you motherfuckers. Thank you for listening to the church. My main man, Steve Syed. My little brother fucking Steve Syed.

Steve Simone and my little brother, Lisa. I had state black cocksuckers. This show is brought to you by Headspace. The Headspace Take 10 program is a 100% free way to experience the benefits of meditation and you're busy in modern life. So download the free Headspace app and begin their Take 10 program

for 10 days of guided meditation at Headspace.com slash Joey. And shows brought to you by HitE6.com. Use code word Joey's church to get five HitE6 for $50. And go to onint.com and use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products. Hey, make some air, take things over, Hey, make some loose, hard to swallow, Hey, push it out where things are home, Hey, Hey, the brain is just the flame,

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