Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #347 - Tony Hinchcliffe

Episode Date: January 15, 2016

Tony Hinchcliffe, comedian and writer who is releasing his first special, "One Shot" Friday January 15th on Netflix joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50  Recorded live on 01/14/2016.
   Music:  Jungle Boogie - Kool and The Gang The Ocean - Led Zeppelin  

This show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use Colbert Church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alvord Minor New Mood. And the show is brought to you by HitE6.com. Better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the vape. Go to HitE6.com and use Colbert Joey's Church to get 5 HitE6 for $50. Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get down, get the box, when I was in the 8th grade fuck? Old shit? Get it off from town. You ya feeling the black chicks? You get out from town. I'll you get it off at town. What's happening you bad motherfuckers?

Lee Syat, your Uncle Joey, Tony Hinchcliffe, again he's doing the fucking rounds this week Just to make sure you motherfuckers know he's gonna be on Netflix with his first special 31 years old I'm very very proud of you, man. Thank you so much. This is big and then I was thinking about your last two days It's bigger because now you got to follow it. See I'm 52. I got one special in me once it's over. I can't follow I have to put my whole heart into it have people die and the audience and shit because that's it Now you're gonna do shoot eight specials and all of them got to be like fucking the white dude that died Carlin, so it's good, but it's good to have you here. Thank you, man. I'm excited always a pleasure. What's up with you there? Doing I'm doing great. It's it's uh

It's fun like with Tony you I've known you for a couple years and when I first met you you were doing like the podcast with red Band and like just it's that's like an amazing thing about podcasting now is we've seen you go from not not gonna say open Micro, but I just did someone at the store and now your special is coming out on Netflix, right? It's insane. You're absolutely right I might be probably I mean, I don't know. I didn't look into it But I might be the first person ever to go from no TV stand-up spots. What's where I never did Conan I never did the tonight show. I never did a spot on Comedy Central. Why is that? You know with the clean with the young your handsome with the network stuff I think it's cuz my I'm clean, but my material is definitely edgy, you know

Like you know all my favorite jokes the stuff I like to talk about is I like to take dark subjects and make them funny I don't like to talk about funny stuff and make it funnier I like to talk about stuff like I was just telling you, you know, I have this new movie theater shooting bit You know, it's like I like to take I like to make the crowd go in the beginning when I'm starting I want them to go like no way What's he doing and then I want to see those same faces that are looking like they're they don't trust me Straight to fucking cracking up. I want to see that transition I want to see that change and that's the type of stuff that I love so with the network

There's that with Comedy Central. I was I've been in the writers rooms for years and years and years and I think Personally, maybe there's a writer. I think they want to keep me there. Good. Good. Good. At least, you know You stand enough, you know, my first couple years everybody comes saying when are you going to Montreal? and this was way before 9-11 and After one day, I just stopped. I said, you know what? I'm not going to war with these guys. I'm getting spots at the store I'm getting spots at the improv getting spots at the factory. What difference does it make? I'm getting my point across right here in Los Angeles. Yeah, sometimes a lot of young comics. I see comics now

I bump into them. What's up? I'm still having struggles at the store. So you walk around wounded 60% of the time You know what do a spot somewhere else? Yeah, the store when the stores ready for you to let you know You'll be ready for the store. Mm-hmm, but for you to walk around wounded you hate Adam You hate this guy this guy's not giving you spots. Listen, man. When I first got here, Jamie Masada Fucking despised me. Mm-hmm. Just despised me and then I was friends with Ralphie and Ralphie fucked them Then I was more despised by the guy and one day I got a phone call in my house And it's him saying you always invited to come to my comedy club. Was I mad at him ten years ago? I was gonna fuck you bitch. I needed you ten years ago

But you know what just that leash, you know the bigger the man the bigger the fucking mistake Hey, man, ten years ago. You came into my club You said something about a finger in somebody's ass so I can't have it at 930 and I didn't like I heard some drug stories Hey, I wouldn't have liked me either, right? But just the fact that you call, you know, I'm saying that not everybody's gonna like you in any business that you do so If there's if nobody's gonna hinder your success They just not gonna do business with you

Mm-hmm And so you go on and move on to do business with somebody else and some day either they're gonna be sorry They didn't do business with you or they will do business with you, right? But don't you look at it as they're hindering your success at that time because we don't know better, right? At that time because you have no wisdom you have no no patience When you have no patience when we when you love something as much as we love this and You come to this town and you're living on the fucking floor your friends apartment

You know you're fucking funny and you know you fucking got it But you have a couple elements missing you don't see it that way You want the same envelope they're getting and now that becomes a different demon that you're fighting You're fighting demons that you control and demons that you can't control So what what separates you then because I'm sure there's a lot of the crazy people in this town who like I know I'm fine I'm funny and all these people, but they're just crazy in time. There's open time. It's just if that's all it is It's time time to listen how long are you gonna fucking be here with this and I hate saying this shit This is why I have a problem also doing kill Tony

Because I don't like stepping on somebody's dream. So who the fuck am I to tell you what time it is when you leave this fucking town? Who the fuck am I to tell you what to do with your dream? Not your career a career and a dream is something different when you first come here It's a fucking dream that becomes a career and sneaks up on you. Okay, that's what happens But for me to judge you and say Tony if you don't make it in ten years, you might as well get the fuck out of you That's wrong. Right. So now you have to step in with logical solutions I bumped into a lady at the coffee shop. She goes you might remember me. I did comedy ten years ago She goes I finally quit four years ago. I wasn't getting anywhere. It was ruining my marriage. It was ruining me as a mom

Now I do it as a hobby. I accepted my second fate But for you to come at me up to 24 years and say hey, I'm thinking of doing a podcast, you know, like you've done everything already This is success is what you judge it. I Know you've had inner demons at the comedy store No doubt with no spots and then you have to look at the lineup and go, you know what man? There's eight motherfuckers in there. I go on the road with Rogan. I got two spots. What else do I want? Right, there's motherfuckers that do not I remember bitching at the store one night 1245 and somebody said you don't want the spot

Put a fucking sign out and see how many people sign up for the 1245 spot the comedy store Everybody wants to do a spot at the comedy store and you're bitchin about a 1245 spot But this doesn't even apply to comedy this applies to anything in personal life the impatience we have It's true and I've grown so much over the past year with that like, you know, Adam is the you know That you keep bringing that up and it's like it's such a true situation I've grown as a human and as a man from it personally It's been like my biggest expansion in the past year is and it's been something I've been doing this eight and a half years every single night for eight and a half years and

Finally, it's starting to click like, you know, everybody will come around, you know It was tough because I dropped back You know hours in the lineup at the comedy store I felt like I was one of the only people getting demoted but as time goes on Adam gets me I get Adam and everything's figuring itself out because I'm not stopping the work You know, if I stopped working and I let it get me down and bum me out and wasn't writing new material Then I'd be screwed but instead I'm manning up and just pushing forward and look what's happening You know, sometimes you give people no other choice, you know, other than to show them what you can do

I and I don't know the situation but For for me, I had to work on If it's not under my control, like why would I stress out about it? So you like you look you looked it as it as a demotion, but then maybe Adam is just looking at it like, hey I'm bringing all these other people in they got to go somewhere. It's not anything against Tony, right? And you it's not like anything you do or you getting upset about it It's gonna affect it in any way totally. So you just yeah, that that was it's really hard Right is like I can't nothing I do is gonna affect this, right?

So I just got to forget about it. You made a beautiful point. Yeah, don't comedy for eight and a half years I'm your uncle Joey. Let me tell you what I had going on at eight and a half years. So 91 June of 91 is the first time I got on stage. So what's eight years after that? It's June of 99, 2000 99 I'd shot a pilot for CBS That didn't get picked up that was highly touted. I made good money on it the whole thing I Picked up the movie baseball, which at the time was you know, this was They're fucking big movie. They were in baseball. Yeah, they were in South Park And I got hired out of the store. Yeah, which gives you that you know say somebody saw you last night

They want you to go audition. That's a great fucking feeling. Okay. I had no manager I Had Basically, no agent. I had the coloring book to black chicks in the Warner Brothers lot that sent out paperwork and fucking coloring box tubes and shit, you just can't believe this I You know, I was fucking You know, nobody wanted to talk to me for Montreal APA No, the big agencies would even talk to me even consider looking at me

I was friends with Joe. Joe was starting to go on the road. We was taking Chris McGuire He wasn't taking me right which made me feel even worse at that time. Yeah, but the bright side was that I didn't know The truth the truth amongst men. I was getting sick spots a week from Mitzish sure and Every time I would feel bad. I go doesn't matter Because the chick who's made most of the careers in this town Belies in me. She gives me six spots a fucking week Sometimes seven because I hosted I hosted Sundays and she'd give me Monday through Saturday every great while she wouldn't give me Wednesday But pretty much I was getting six spots a week and just to let you know like I can relate to that because that's

Finally towards towards the end of his tenure. That's how what I worked my way up to with Tommy And I know you didn't like Tommy and this and that but I will say this is that he was in that cover booth Maybe doing more than just watching comedy stealing money But he was also paying attention to those shows and he wasn't a big like yeah, Tony, you're doing good So I'm gonna give you whatever you want. I he was the opposite to where he Said things to my friends like he'll never pass me this and that and you know what it did It fired me up and I gave him I had to kill I had to kill had to kill there was no other choice I couldn't just do good

So I had to stand out out of everybody over and over and over and over again And then I got all the way to exactly what you're talking about anything I put in my bills for I was there And I was clicking up to the middle again with no TV credits this is way before my Netflix special three two three years ago and Without anything other than my killing, you know what I mean Tommy didn't do all bad at the store correct He did some bad things what topped it off why he lost faces He was clipping money out of the register once they catch you clipping you don't have a leg to stand on They got him on film and his name is candid candid candid camera fuck getting that Tommy

They got that motherfucker on film. I'm surprised Jamie Kennedy didn't pop up from under a table Okay, and I feel bad for Tommy. I have no hatred for Tommy I didn't like what Tommy did at the store in the beginning when I was there and I want people to understand that The store is my world The store was my world totally when I tell people this that you can't disrespect the store. You can't do a thousand things and And hey everybody knows I did a thousand bad things at the store I never got in front of my comedian brothers and sisters You know, there's people that come in that are not store people and then there's store people

Mm-hmm. I would never get in the way of one of my store brothers at all I cheer for them even behind closed curtains. Yeah, that's the secret that I have before I leave my house every night I take the remote from my wife whatever the fuck she's watching and I put on to see who's gonna be on Jimmy Fallon And I see who's gonna be on after Jimmy Fallon and I see that who's gonna be on NBC And if it's somebody from the store, I tape it purposely whether I talk to that person or not Well, I see that person. Who did I tell you rock my world last week Lee Eliza? Fuck my shit up Friday night Fuck it up. Say what you want to say these dumb fucks to say women ain't funny. She

Fucked my world. Wow. My dick was so hard going into Saturday And then you know who killed it that fucking kiss at that peanut Faye and her chubby friend on the Christmas With their pathetic fucking comedy and the patheticism of people who watch that shit Yeah, and the patheticism of how it's become this fucking thing and I don't even know what the fuck you're laughing at right Eliza was funny That's a girl that goes to the store in between killers with that tight little body and that beautiful smile and makes you forget She's fucking hot right most women want you to think they're hot for Eliza makes you fucking forget She's hot. I was trying to look at her thighs and her ass and her legs

But I kept giggling like a fucking content of fucking jokes I was a giggly fucking girl at the same time enthusiastic and cheering for fucking Eliza You know Eliza came three years after I left. It doesn't matter right? She's one of my fucking comedy sisters and that's it our friends that's going to be on the show next week You fuck with her I will go to the fucking Schrader. I will dig up that gun And I will shoot you in broad fucking daylight and do the 20 years You fuck with that little white girl. What's your friend's name? Which Sarah tioner?

I dare somebody that's my girl in the history of their life. Well, I'm alive on this planet For somebody to fuck with Sarah tioner I will put I will put more bullets in you and that black guy putting the fuck in front of the comedy store And I'll do it. I'll grab you by the head and I'll shoot you in the main room Out of respect because I'm sacrificing my soul right there. You fuck with that white girl That's my number one. See what the fuck I will do to you once a week I will pipe you to death. Yeah shoot you light you on fire Take you on sunset run over you shoot you again

Then put you up on the 170 where you belong cocksuck up there in the weeds It's just these are your comedy brothers and sisters. I always say that when I come I'm so with you on that the comedy store Brothers, you know what I mean? Like I always say that my least favorite person at the comedy store If I saw them getting beat up somewhere in a dark alley anywhere else I'd be right there taking shots for them And it that's just if you and that's the thing with the store and I think that the people that believe that about the comedy store Are the people that get the most out of it?

If you put it up on a pedestal if you treat it like it's bigger than madison square garden Then that's the level that you're performing at if you go the comedy store is just another club It's like the laugh bag. It's like the improv. It's like that if you think that then What's raising your stakes? I feel bad for people that don't look at it like it's the chapel the church every job Yeah, I don't even listen to music On the way to the car. I love that Do I pick you up and you like to go to the comedy store anymore Lee not really no I drive by myself And I turn the music off the quiet before the storm going where I'm going how lucky I am

I think of 1998 when I used to cry myself to sleep from wanting to be at the store and here I am When I was at the store in 95 96 and 94 The addiction had taken over my love for the comedy store And I was just basically going to the comedy store To on the way home pick up coke and to just tell myself that before I did the coke I did a spot on that responsible But I wasn't getting anything out of the spot when I left the store

It was a two-way street. I was happy to leave the store I have clipped cell phones from the store when people would lose them in the beginning There was these bank robbers that used to hang out with Eddie Griffin They had a phone store as a front on Crenshaw and whenever people would lose their phones They would return them to lost and found and I come in two days later and clip the phone and sell them I once took a Bill $100 package of money that the manager left out by mistake in my co-addicted ways in the comedy store but

If you go to the comedy store, I'm like any given day about one o'clock The liquor department in those days used to leave all the booze Outside. Oh, yeah All you had to do was take two cases and go up and down sunset And sell them for wholesale to where you walk into anybody How you doing whiskey a go-go? How you doing, man? Listen Uh, I gotta talk about I got a truck of Bailey's that just fell off a truck

I got six bottles. I just stopped at the liquor store. You know, they go for 24 That's 140 whatever the fuck it is. Give me 50 And they're not scared because I was gonna bring this up a few weeks ago Let's do it at the laundromat came in with four huge boxes of tide And I was just I was there and I saw the woman come up and buy it from and she's like he's like We just started talking. He's like, yes. He asked me for this a few days ago I just I didn't ask where he got it from the point of the fucking story. I never took the bottles Even in my cockiest fucking ways. I had some

Some form of respect for the store. I never I never Never called Scott Jimmy whatever Kelly Frank Cal whatever his name is Uh, princess quarry Duncan, I never called him in my heart in my life. I swear to mercy's eyes. I never called him and said Tony Hynx of curses too much. He can't go in front of me or he talks in front of the audience I took my medicine at the county store and I took it from mitzvah

And I said this a thousand times I took the medicine of dharma Whoever had to serve back then he was unfollowable and paul mooney was unfollowable And the black kid with dredge was unfollowable And it was my home the only thing I did at the county store was I drank and I snorted coke and looking back at it now It was very disrespectful. I looked at the guys before me. I thought it was cool to do that. It's not It's disrespectful. That was my home But I learned I got my life together and I go back then and I treated Like I treated I go in I do my spend I leave

Yeah, I don't and I give support to the young guys And you said something interesting there that I think plays into the going up later at the comedy store thing about how it's You know when you get great in your mass and you're in you master following the best Then you get used to that drug, you know what I mean and you love it You worked your way up from the late night to that clump you're following paul mooney You're following da my rare on fire and that's another thing that happened with me a few years ago All of a sudden I was in the mix chrystallia then tony hinge cliff the sun known rick ingram monster who when I got there in 2007 I looked and I was just like what

Was the fucking you gotta be careful rick ingram. You gotta be careful if he gets a good wind behind him Boy, you're gone. You're gone. He's unbelievable couple weeks ago. He had my heart pumping He had my fault little heart pumping. I was high and I'm like I gotta follow this shit There I was following him following everybody caparulo this and that whoever was there at the time And my point is is like I come from the school of rogan when he says Fuck You know putting on a half-assed show. That's why I bring the guns with me. He brings you which is a joke If you don't know comedy

Nobody would take joe ed as to open for them. That's insane He takes ari shaffir Duncan these monsters these aren't just it's not just because they're our friends. That's part of it that's why we made friends with them because we love killers and and What and a thing that happened is like when this transition happened a couple years ago I went way back and now all of a sudden I'm having to rebuild the room Instead of following a lot of people are deathly afraid in stand-up comedy of following somebody good

And I'm the opposite the opposite I go Let's put on a show that makes it special when you hear that crowd thumping You're like I the way I look at it is I can get that out of them That's do you hear that volume that means that it's possible to get that out of these people. Let's do this You know and you know, that's why I had you even open up for my one hour special comedians Some of the one of the best comedians at the comedy store Goes to me said to me. He goes. Hey, uh, you're shooting your special

You're trying to shoot a special in a few days, huh? He goes. I go. Yeah, I go Check it out. Check it out. Joey Diaz is gonna open the show. He goes. That's a terrible idea. Don't do that Don't do that. He's gonna go and he's gonna there's not gonna be anything left. It's gonna be No, it was the opposite. It was the opposite and that person how to do the opposite last night came up to me at the comedy store and goes Dude, I told you to not have Diaz open for you and now you got that shit on netflix And it is it's listen uh, I almost called

I sit here some times and question mine and rogan's friendship. I really question it Because I don't know what the fuck he's talking about half the time I don't I don't know what the fuck he's talking about half the time But I look at last week on uh, and I'm saying this I I don't know about my stand-up I don't know about my acting. I don't know about my writing I don't know about nothing I say this with the fucking highest conviction in the world last week on UFC tonight. They voted the best training camp To train at some people one of the aka some people were with greg jackson

In my book, it's greg jackson. I tell you why some other some other time but in my world My friendship was last night I fucking i'ma tell this story last night. I went to the ha and then I went to flappers. I was by myself On the way home. I was pulling up And I stopped at 7 11 and I bumped into The kid who wrote the book for sex in the city fuck

Great kid rocker guy Rocker comedian had a talk show in the daytime. I've known him since 97 out here. He's done great things Comedian kid had an HBO special. I saw him last night. I go. What the fuck are you doing up? He goes my band rehearses around the corner So I started talking to him for a little on the way. I'm like, let me just call joe I know joe is at the county store last night. It's 12 15 He's either down there or he's driving home and I called him up and sure enough. He's going through a drive-through You know, I sat in my car from 12 15 to 10 after one pretty much talking to joe

I even went back outside got high and called them back and we talked about Where have you been this week? I told him I went to a mexican room and it was Shell shocked that I was starting from scratch and I went to the ha ha and you know And I told him when I had done all week and he's like, I really like your strategy We were talking about comedy strategy how to rebuild yourself How to go down to one of those mexican rooms and start from scratch And then go to the flappers and then go to the ha ha, you know, because the county store is completely different How to get that just talking on stage, you know, just talking

And I realized that when I went in the house at like 130 that Jesus christ me and this kid just talked for an hour and a half About comedy. No, we at the end we mentioned families. How's your girls good? How's your girl great? Bye End the story. We didn't talk about podcasts. We didn't talk about comedy dates. We didn't talk about at UFC We were like two fucking jerks talking the qualities of comedy what he's doing How he did some kids show and he had two bits and he went home and he rode them out and he tried them last night And they were great. It's this strategy. Yeah, you know, and I and it's like I look at it like the ufc a little bit It's a strategy. I've always looked at it ever since I got into the ufc

Yeah, like for example, like, you know, I look at the comedy store Maybe we'll call the comedy store jujitsu, right and in all black room as like striking, you know, I mean You spend too much time with your jujitsu. You go up against a striker audience. You're messed up You know, I mean you could be ronda rousey at the comedy store But you face a striker like holly home On the road you're not used to the venue. You're not used to the air toilets flush in the other direction in australia shits a little bit off She got taken out a woman who they considered unstoppable greatest athlete in the world cover of the video game There was all that entire fight every commercial. They're going to the new ufc the video game

It's ronda on the cover Getting knocked out Like with that neck kick or the picture you've seen it Just that fucking moment And you got to be able to do it all I do an all black movie theater in hollywood and island once a month Nobody else I go to the comedy store afterwards people can't even relate. I can't even tell them about it They don't even understand all black movie theater all black audience last month I got heckled by asap rocky a rapper who's on my playlist. He's fucking cool as fuck

I didn't even realize it was him. He stands up during this michael jackson bit. I'm doing he goes stop stop Stop starts waving his arms a whole movie theater knows that asap that it's asap rocky I don't know because I came in halfway through the show from another gig and I go sit down you broke ass You know Dude look at your cheap ass tin foil grill that's not even a real grill and you're complaining Oh, I'm not allowed to make fun of michael jack crowds dying I mean dying there's towels when you do an all black room towels come out of nowhere These white towels are waving around people getting up out of their seats. That's why it's the most fun shit to do

I don't know if it sounds racist or not, but black people are the best audience members hollywood and highland It's in a movie theater. It's in this it's in the chinese theater They take one of the comedy they have one of the theaters They just built a stage in front of it and they have their logo up on the movie theater screen and they fill it up once a month Russell Simmons is always there. I do it once a month. Russell's right in the middle Flanked by beautiful women four beautiful women on each side He's on the vip couch in the middle of this movie theater, but this guy's like in row three or four He's standing up big tin foil girl. It's asap rocky. I go to the comedy store for my next spot after that

I get a text from my manager going are you in a battle right now with asap rocky all of a sudden I start rewinding and it hits me. I listen to this guy every day on my playlist. He's he's got one or two songs on my Get pumped up while in the shower. I got fucking bluetooth. You have a big bluetooth in your shower yet, joey Oh my god I just gotta be this is gonna be the thing that puts your life into overload when you're fucking Singing in the shower with they've had these bluetooth these begin of the one that you put the iphone that one No, it's it sticks right on your wall and then you you know how your car gets your phone It's the same thing. I just got it. It's great

You keep the phone right there on the shelf out next to the shower next to your towel or whatever Hit your playlist and then it's right there with you Just it's just hugging you in the shower Just the warm water and the music an asap rocky there every day and that's the type of stuff if I wanted to Just be on the tonight show or do something else I'd have different places. I'd go this and that but you're right. It's strategy. You got to work every muscle You got to be a striker. You got to know jiu-jitsu. You got to know wrestling You got to know, you know a little bit of judo

You got to know a little bit of kickboxing if you don't an audience on the right night will take you the fuck out In front of an audience. They'll take you out. It's always there. There's always a chance that it's that wrong crowd I did a tonight show showcase last night had a bad set for the first time in months Because I had to go I had to re-strategize everything change wording just some showcase the tonight show showcase Which I probably have no business being on. I shouldn't even want to do it But I still sort of do no you have to do everything right totally You have to do everything if you don't know who's gonna bite and it's an industry audience and i'm doing old stuff And it just wasn't clicking and then I go down

To sam trippley's naughty show and I basically go straight up I go sam if you have any room I really need a spot right now because I needed to recover. I needed An audience I needed to beat somebody up in this ufc analogy and I went in and fucking ripped it I mean there wasn't a period where somebody wasn't clapping. I was sam's room. It was great last night. It was great Yeah, it was a main room, right? Yeah, it was great. It's it's uh I when I first got here at the eight and a half year mark. I didn't have a strategy I had this I had goals and I knew I had to go up a certain amount of week

And I knew that I wanted to write a certain amount of material in a certain amount of time But I wasn't doing a third of the work. I'm doing and I think it goes for every job by the way I think if you're a janitor you need to have strategy you're thinking ahead. What's the next room? What's the next this? What else can I do? How do I dress? How do I make my appearance better? How do I you know not smell bad? It's like every little thing You know what I mean? Like how can you up your game in anything in any aspect? You're an accountant Then why not take a class on psychology and like why not figure out how to communicate better get a better You know phone system or something like that you you have to up your game all the time

I don't think it even just applies for stand-up. It applies for life Is taking chances going outside of your comfort zone is what I'm saying, you know always that's the number one thing that You will not grow as a human being emotionally All those areas if you don't step outside Just sweat it a little bit and go wow, this is the other side. Okay. This is where I didn't want to be Oh, this is where I do want to be and to go back to it since we've been talking about it For example, like when adam took over a couple years ago

I started freaking out immediately and via text I'd go Dude, I'm following people that I haven't followed in years, you know, what I don't understand what's happening here I'm doing this. I'm doing this. I'm doing this. I'm the writer for this That's the most watched thing on comedy. So, you know, it's like come what are we doing here? and every single Up until a couple weeks ago and now it's gotten to the point to where it lasts one message and I go Dude, no spots all weekend and he just this sends back a smiley face. Sorry, dude. Got you next week. You know what I mean like And and that by the way that up until two weeks ago the last time before that was six months

Literally six months in which I even texted or emailed or anything. You know what I mean? but it went from Like me panicking and that comfort zone thing where it's like I'll be I'll be in town one weekend now I'm so busy now that I'm in town one weekend a month now and I'll put in my evils for that weekend I don't get a weekend spot. It used to be I'd freak out and go dude. What are you doing? I was built here All I live for this place. What are you doing with me? How do I knock it one weekend spot the one weekend? I'm in town

And now I will sweat it and I'll go no weekend, huh? Well, I'm gonna write a fucking joke That will make it so that I will never not get a weekend again to where even the comedians Would want to go where's tony hinchcliffe? We need him here because he's got that joke, you know I mean it gets my wheels turning. I use it. I use it for the fire. That's what getting out of the comfort zone is I could message him and be a baby and get a spot But you know, it's just like working. It's like just trying to grow sweating it No, you can't you can't be messaging the guy when you don't get a spot You have to just move on right and attack a different room or take the day off or

Not, you know, it's become a place where there's a lot of people down there. There's a lot of fucking people down there And even I look at the lineups now. I call them for three times a week. I'm very happy with that If I get three spots two if I get two at the comedy store, I'll get my other four somewhere else You know, we we could figure it out. I never want them to think When even when mitzi was there I never wanted them to think that they were my only game in town I used to do two or three spots before I got there And I didn't have a problem with cancelling like if I had a goal to got a road gig or something

My goal was to be there, but not really see them saying like it was my cherry on The sunday totally I always worked everything else and the comedy store Was always my uh, if I get something I get some And there was times I go jesus fucking christ is she's gonna stop giving me spots One is just gonna fucking end because in the old days She'd give you monday for monday Then she'd give you tuesday for tuesday What do you mean? Oh, yeah

All right, so in the old days at the store you call scott day monday at one o'clock all hot and bothered And if you know joe d is I called it 903. Okay 903. I already had my veils in for the week Met he would give you monday around five o'clock That bitch would give you spots at five You'd be sitting there going. I don't know what I could do tonight Because I haven't gotten a spot in the store About six fifteen. They call you joey 1245

Tuesday you wouldn't get a call for tuesday till Six But by that time I I I would have booked a union which was the old across from Jesus christ, there's nothing there anymore Where the chick walks across the street and dances. Oh, yeah, the pink taco. Yeah, pink taco national lampoons. Yeah Next to national lampoons not the bar that goes down even more up by the taco place Up the pinches tacos by the newsstand twos doors. No up more. Oh, okay pinches tacos walked that way

Oh, yeah, that next street. There was a great room there on tuesday. So if you got so she would call it Before dublin. Oh, wow. It was even up more from the doubling So it's in between the doubling on the corner of the union downstairs That was the hardest room ever. That was where I saw joe rilgen had the set of his life never has he had a set like that before 45 minutes paulie nicta It used to on tuesday because a lot of girls would go down there Because what's his name would go down to the guy from swingers He hung out down on favor. Oh, uh, been spawned. He hung out down there. So his girlfriend and

And i met i met opened that room together and then the girl and him broke up He stopped going down there, but girls kept going down there to see him So the place became this comedy thing. So you would call there tuesday should give you the spot about 5 36 Nobody wanted the spot on tuesdays because that's when it was the real fat tuesday 400 black motherfuckers john singleton Denzel washington You know, uh chris fucking rock the other one tucker tucker And the fucking front of the spot comedy store would be packed with gang people the side

It would just be black people everywhere. So the white comics got intimidated. So if you call for a spot on tuesday, you go And there was always no more than eight white people in the original So you went to put up with limo parking Sometimes comics got there. You couldn't even park in the lot because there were so many limos back there So tuesday you hated she'd give you wednesday for wednesday and then she'd give you thursday for the rest of the week She didn't give you fucking no Never so if you called out on a tuesday where you worried she wasn't gonna give you the weekend In those days the rule was to call coast to coast. That's what it was called

monday to sunday Yeah She wouldn't call you to your weekend spots till thursday Sometimes friday people were pissed But that was mittie sure she was in charge to piss you the fuck off Did you ever have like a bad wednesday night spot and they're not gonna weekend set? Fuck yeah. No, no, no Fuck yeah, but if she saw you on sunday and monday

And she gave you an instruction And the next time she saw you You didn't do that instruction You were non grata passata for a couple weeks until she saw you again And what she told you to do you did? Seeing mitzi in those days was a catch 22 She might come up to me and go Next time I see you I want you to have a beard up there like fiddle and wear the green suit

Oh my god She wanted you to look like Robert will you never buy? Yeah, and then I come she gave ever by of that nude Yeah, and then I came back the following week and she wouldn't say nothing about it She'd say I like for you to do my latino night in spanish With a tuxedo on get yourself a blonde And we'll call it the joey and lucy show. Oh mitzi at the end. Oh my god had some fucking winners Then she would come up to me. I would be standing there

And she'd come up to me And she'd look at me For about a minute and I go what's up mitzi and she'd look at my stomach and she'd go And she'd walk away That was the last year that's all she did to me. Uh, it's my fat baby And she'd press my stomach and go And walk away But every I never the only time I complained I told her the truth about the main room one time

What a mistake that was When I first got there I saw she gave me, you know, they give you the original room the original room And the first saturday you're in the main room that was when saturdays were 300 plus. Oh, yeah, okay? So I did the main room she knew She knew everything so you might as well tell her Mitzi sure would say shit to you that you go How'd you know that and there was a rumor going around that she had the whole place wired for conversations and shit

But it was weird. So I saw that tuesday and I ran up there and I go mitz don't put me in the main room no more I'm not ready. Why not? Because I'm not ready. Well, we'll see this friday night and she put you in the main room and then come there and watch And I'd bomb again and she'd say something to me and then she she knew if she saw something She would fuck with you I saw people who got made and disappeared from the county so Disappeared never heard of them again, but if she saw something she would work you a certain way three nights a week She'd make you follow this guy

Two nights a week and don't tell her that you didn't like tony hinschler Me and tony hinschler have had a fucking mother fucking the argument at the kitchen. Okay For a month. I'd have to follow tony hinschler or tony hinschler would follow me. That's another thing. Tommy did I once made the mistake of dating a comedian. He put uh, he made sure That's it. It's all become your objection. Oh, yeah, you get into an argument with somebody. It's on It's on that's what she did to teach you. Yep It was a way of teaching you and it works too and it works when you go to vana chubbock The acting school one of the first things that vana chubbock does with brudge is make him get naked

That cracks a woman Cracks a woman that takes you from point a to point b But the women that didn't crack holly berry The twirl blonde that won the academy award and she had three academy award winners Because she cracked a woman a quick class You know, that's the thing with stand-up comedy. It could crack you psychologically especially at the fucking comedy store Oh, yeah, you could crack psychologically dog. What do you mean crash? You can think that all of a sudden that

And like you're like it can get so bad sometimes that after a show that you're literally like, oh my god I'm no different than anyone in that audience. I'm just I'm I got nothing I'm not everything I've gotten to this point was just luck. I'm not funny You can have a set that throws you off and makes you question everything. It doesn't last that long You know, you might come out of it half an hour later 10 minutes later 10 seconds later But sometimes there's an audience like even last night with this tonight show five minute showcase that I have before going down And slaughtering in the main room And this showcase and I never got my footing never got one of those big pops

That every other set lately because i'm working on this new stuff new stuff new stuff new stuff and none of it's usable for a Tonight show showcase So I had to go back and take an old joke and just dust it off and and i'm funnier than this old joke now This old this joke I wrote year and a half two years ago That's in my special that I was doing for the tonight show because it's the only clean clean clean five minutes that I have Uh It's not as funny as I am I've gotten so much better in in my opinion in a year and a half that I can't

It I can't even sell that junk anymore. You were right a joke that you're not ready for. Oh, yeah Is that the worst? Oh, yeah What's the joke tell me the joke that you were not ready for that you think Is god's gift to creation and I'll tell you mine The the joke that I wrote that I was uh that I was Too good to not have that I that I wasn't good enough to have at the time was I would always drive by Santa Monica Boulevard in west Hollywood And I kept seeing this out of the closet place over and over and over and over again

And I thought to myself man if I could think of something funny about an hiv place that gives away You know, that's a thrift store that gives a free hiv test You know that would I could share that with any that would work on tourists Obviously who are visiting I go there's a place down the street called out of the closet And it would work on anybody who lives here because they drive by it every day And I it hit me I go I go, you know, it's a thrift store that gives away a free AIDS test There's always people in it and I don't get it because I mean if you're getting your AIDS test at the thrift store

Let's face the fact shall we you've got AIDS And it would just Bust, you know what I mean because back then when I wrote that I was still doing I was still an employee So I'm up like with open mic and then there's an open mic with 15 people doing three minute spots And then every employee there does three minutes and you got to stand out in that three minutes Because people know that there's just another guy come and they've seen already seen 40 people And that joke and the tag after uh, where I go, uh, you know, um, you know You know, how did they break the news to you? That must suck to work it out of the closet

You know, you're working at a thrift store and you have to tell somebody they got AIDS like what a shitty job Right. How does that even go down? Oh your total is 25 dollars. Would you like to spend another dollar for AIDS research? I highly recommend you do Because you got it, you know what I mean like all this stuff and this was like four or five years ago and um You know, it would it would get these huge pops And it wasn't I couldn't follow it. So I had to close what it's terrible. It's terrible. Yeah Every other joke after that would get silenced. They'd be thinking to themselves What happened to the guy that just did that funny out of the closet jokes jokes that you can't follow yourself

Yeah, like you're done. Let's say that's you and I had those early on where I couldn't follow myself Can you follow most of your like your closing bit if you're doing an hour? Could you follow it? No, because you wanted to close. Okay. So so what's the difference? So what makes like a bit you can't like what makes the least kind of bits different from just an unruly closing bit Which ones? No, no, we're talking about Saying a joke that you wrote that you weren't ready for at the time. Okay So that's like when the president of israel got shot in 1995. What was his name? Uh, but Benjamin Ben-Yahoo Ben-Yahoo

I said I said today the the prime minister of israel got shot Hey, 40 dollars is 40 dollars And I love that joke, you know in my mind it was like he got shot for 40 fucking dollars He's a jew, right? They'll shoot you for 40 dollars Right And then I used to have like these stupid things that I would say and I'd crack up and two people come up to me Go dog. I love that joke, but they and then on the page was you know, what does the priest give up for lent dick?

He ain't giving up dick like that's what I would say, you know I asked my local priest what he was giving up for lent And he told me he ain't giving up dick And you know, there's just things that you say sometimes that I don't know I once wrote a joke that nobody including myself was ready for because I I found out that patrick swaysy got pancreatic cancer and I know just from being a uh, uh, what's it? What's it called when you always think you're sick

hypochondriac hypochondriac since I was first uh born like I would I would ask my doctor fucking everything I think I got something anyway. So I know the pancreatic cancer kills you within two months That's the one cancer where it's like you get a brain cancer and pull off some crazy shit But there's something about the pancreas where it's like uh goodbye, you know what I mean? But I knew that so I saw patrick swaysy had pancreatic cancer and I swear to god And it's the first joke I ever sold It was like five six years ago whenever swaysy died, but a month before he died I started writing the patrick swaysy is dead joke like oh patrick swaysy just died so

But I was doing it on stage. I mean not only did I write it. I was working it out night after night to where A month in I had a three four minute chunk on patrick swaysy. You know what I mean? So the night that he died Literally, I remember I think I could swear it was a monday But in any matter that the sunday monday back then was when I had spots so I go patrick swaysy just died I can't even really remember the gist of it. It was so long ago, but basically it's like patrick swaysy just died Good news is they just started taping a ghost too this time It's for real, you know what I mean?

And it was just like this dumb thing and I talk about how pancreatic cancer starts with your career and anyway But I had this chunk and when it came out and it was like Isolation I mean the night was gone after that because people are like how does how did that one guy? be able to cover something that happened today Like that because it was I chiseled and you changed punchlines and you rearranged words over a month with a joke You know what I mean? Like I get it to where I know that it will Beat for beat, you know like get them So it's like nobody was ready for that and I ended up for a while there making a lot of

I like to honor people when they die with a joke, you know A lot of people don't like the too soon things like I that's one of my favorite Only things that I even use twitter for other than plugging shows Is like when somebody dies, I like to think of like, you know, ba ba ba is dead ba ba ba And it's like to pay tribute, you know what I mean? Like david bowie died and I got so excited because I got to write, you know Ashes to ashes dust to stardust, you know, and I mean little things and it's like rip david bowie, you know or like You know some things are taken from us too soon like when vanilla ice stole david bowie's baseline for under pressure

You know what? I mean like and I write these things and I think it's a way for people to like cope and Deal with it. I went off on a rant there. Sorry, joe These fucking people This this pc society if you say something about somebody dying everything's always too soon A lot. I'm the type of guy. I'll make a fucking joke at somebody's parents wedding like some of these parents fucking wake And they'll laugh if if you're anybody you laugh. Yeah when my friend's dad died he had millions And he called me on its arm when I go on what's this doing with the will And he giggled he goes only you would ask that cock sucker

He goes but at least you made me laugh You follow me, you know, you always gotta break that leg because I know when my mom died I was praying for somebody to say something I had to think of all these fucking jokes in my head You know, I got left back in the sixth grade never told nobody Never told my mom But I always had a feeling I would never have to fucking tell it Like I was gonna pull this over her eyes and I swear to god till this day When she fucking died and I came around that kitchen and found her she was dead

And inside I I have no reason to lie Inside of me. I said, I I always knew this bitch wasn't gonna find You know, I mean I'm I'm one of those fucking people that always makes a joke To myself because that's the only that was the only thing that could break that at that moment I would have had a nervous fucking breakdown. So sometimes you just gotta crack a joke to yourself That's exactly my favorite thing and it makes it so worthwhile when I do tweet these You know, like this person just died joke and people literally say you can read the mentions like I never thought if I I can't believe I'm laughing at a joke about this this oh my god. I love all that shit

I love one of the best jokes I ever heard was bobby slain calling me for christmas I didn't answer I was doing something and he goes, hey man If I don't get a hold of you, I'm sure you're in some broke down tenement with your cuban family cutting the chicken or some That's a joke that somebody would have got insulted that but it's the truth There's some things that then a fuck I have conversations with Lee And I know I say shit to him that his little jaw drops. He's never heard That mind frame. Yeah, but that mind frame exists in america. Just nobody wants to say it Right. Nobody really wants to say it. They all know it. They all laugh at their handicap cousin at the thanksgiving table

When he walks away or wobbles away or whatever, you know, it's like they They all have the things that they all crack up about and they all think but though that they'll seem like a good person If in their public persona, they show something else, but they're not fooling anybody I know they go and they read they are something that gets them off. I assume This is what I've always assumed You could be the nicest person in the world But when you get home, you're like who parked in front of me that fucking nigga down the corner Or that fucking jink down the corner that spik down the corner

Because I know when I get home and I go, hey, Tony, who parked there that fucking fucking little jew again parked in front of our Fucking house that cock sucker You know, I wish they would have got him and fucking wash with you know, you say this shit, right? You don't mean it, right but people I've always assumed that I've always assumed that that's the way I that's why when people look at me when I say certain things I'm more of a shock from the reaction. They give me because in my mind I assume they think the fucking same thing You know, I was a Thompson girl one day we were in an airport and I saw a big black dude with a little japanese chick

Come on Come on dog. If you're not thinking to yourself, was he he's fucking what the jabs do though? Then we bomb hawaii what island did we bomb that's what that's what that little jabs pussy must look like With that big black pogo stick of an honor going to a snatch To smoke coming out of it. There's alarms going off down there. That japanese girl shows home with fucking Kuta kente's uncle Well, that's gonna set back japanese relations eight thousand years. You can't say this But everybody in my mind everybody thinks this shit. Oh, yeah, you know

You just think different fucking things. I saw told tom tom's like I've never heard anything put like that before tom This is the way I look at I see a five foot two japanese chick With a fucking six foot six black guy her pussy's fucked That's it. Once she gives birth to that little fucking half japanese black kid that pussy's done If you can't you know, but this is what i'm thinking in my Fucking mind as i'm walking down the street. This is how i'm adding humor to my that's why I hate hanging out with people Because the inner voice I have and my fucking thing is the funniest thing. I've ever heard in my life He says shit with no consequences and he has one audience member me

I think I think the reason why it freaks everyone out is because from the time you were young if if you said something like that You got yelled at you got in trouble at school And I'm not sure that you had that at least that part of it I had people who said that in my house My mom said shit like that now. Yep. That's where mine comes from My mom said shit like that in the house But then again, I saw her taking cookies across the street to the same black people She just talked about all the same italian people she talked about because it was something that you say

That's why i've always enjoyed. I've always enjoyed the movie do the right thing To me it was spikely's favorite movie because it showed a neighborhood That was divided but at the same time they were together Where you going to go down to koreans together liquor store. He walks in where's the good was the beer at you fucking Yellow motherfucker, but at the same time They love each other So at the end of the day it washes out. That's the way it is in my mind at the end of the day it washes out You don't think I know that arie comes up to you and say you are on

Joey's podcast today. Yeah, what that fat motherfucker have to say don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck That's the way people talk and that's fine I'm gonna say the same fucking thing. You talk to arie. Yeah. Yeah, what did you have to say? Does that mean i'm racist does that mean I hate arie? No, that's how we fucking talk right But in some people's world they that that's racism or that's You know racially and sensitive. What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck you might as well tell me your sensitivity to light. You're half a fruit cake. You're weak. What are you gonna do with yourself? What the fuck?

I saw this They have a school in calabasas now that's all vegan and they have kids They were showing this thing on the news last night about kids growing and I just I couldn't just imagine seeing you Watch it and just seeing because that's like I didn't grow up in calabasas But that's where I like the like that I grew up in like a white america So that's if my mom ever said like look at that black like that would have been I would remember that one moment for the rest of my life That was the funniest thing I've ever heard mama. Hey, what happened? He's not lying he wants these people in pregnant and white chicks

Then they go back to their fucking village and they leave these fucking mixed animals up here in maine Which is not gonna work. Yeah, it's not gonna work in fucking maine. It's not gonna work Yeah, you know, it's not gonna fucking what you're not doing no white kid favors By making a half mixed kid with fucking black, you know, oh, he's got nice hair. No, but deep down You know, they know what happened They And you know what? I think that's a lot of the reason why trump's doing so well is because he's saying stuff that You know, at least people are going well. He's a human being

You know what I mean is crazy as it sounds like he goes Let's get rid of all the mus, no muslims and let's build a wall Mexico will build it and he's saying all this stuff and it's like No, at least he's at least he's saying at least he sounds more like a crazy uncle than Nobody these politicians that that said, you know, he said the other day when there was a terrorist attack in Germany the other day I walked by the tv in a hotel. I was in boss and I walked by the tv It says Donald trump says that

Germany terrorist attack happened because they let in these refugees and it's like they're They make it look like that's a negative and I think to myself You know, they did let in all these syrians, right? I mean, I don't know much about the thing But they let in they wanted to look good So they brought in hundreds of thousands of these people that are used to totally different stuff and Yeah, and they're making trump look bad by saying because he said grab the bunch of women's titties That new year's eve attack where they were finger banging fucking women and just grabbing their titties

Because they didn't know that was syrian rebel whatever the fuck it was But look what happened last weekend to come the guy's not talking shit The guy is making sense and when he said it he said it the same way I would say something It's not that it's not thought out. It's that he didn't use the proper words to describe it I don't want these muslims in here until we figure out a way to figure out their fucking origin I could live with that I could live with that until we figure out their origin Put them in a fucking when the cubans came in 80 they had them in a thing called freedom town

Or nobody fucking remembers here when you watch car face nobody remembers the scene when they're under the fucking highway Intense nobody fucking remembers that Nobody fucking remembers that Take these fucking muslims and take them to wantonimo and put them on wantonimo for fucking six months and observe them And that's how you'll fucking see if trump were to say that I could live with that Not flabbergast them and put water bottles in their asshole or whatever they do. I'm not saying they're fucking terrorists I'm not saying they're bad people But let's see let's interview all of them

Let's see what and then it's the same thing they get their story straight But you're gonna decipher the amount if there was 12 and every 100 you might cut it down to three in every 100 And then you follow me so I understand what trump is saying. Listen, man every morning everybody I'm not saying nothing derogatory every morning somebody fucking wakes up in america through a lomo And looks out the window and says look at this fucking mexican. I can't sleep late because no he's doing his fucking job You know why obviously you ain't doing fucking yours So we have this belief in this country right now That immigrants are taking our jobs and I believe that the 30 percent that eventually the numbers

But the other 50 percent of that 30 percent of that is people who don't really want a fucking job Because I was raised as an american and you know an american Does what you do when you don't get spots You don't cry you don't go down and shoot the guy you write a joke So they'll always give you spots And I feel the same way if you're an american and you want that job and construction Go down there and I'll work that mexican But you can't

You know why you can't because you got your cell phone Because you got your plans Because god forbid you can't go to tony's 32nd birthday. Who gives a fuck about tony's 32nd fucking birthday? Right? I gotta make a fucking living But we've forgotten that in this country because we have all these fucking distractions I have to do this. I have to do that. You ever drive on the you ever go to target over here in 90 degree weather Yeah, and you see a mexican woman who's pregnant with a kid in a basket another one pushing them across the fucking street Meanwhile, your cunt wife isn't a fucking $30,000 vehicle because she might get too hot

You understand me? I do the same shit all the time I feel like pulling her over and hitting my fucking wife with the con saying look at her You know all these moms and have nannies all these moms that have people take their kids swimming for them Then you figure out what trump is fucking saying At least trump and I don't I don't agree with 90% of what he says that But at least he has an opinion. It's like it's almost like when the patriots come and do an interview Oh, we're focused on this thing most politicians when you hear them do interviews It's not like an actual thought they had they had they went over and practice

What if they ask you about this? What if they ask you about that and at least trump has an opinion? I mean, I'm not gonna vote for him and I think a lot of what he says Who are you gonna vote for who the fuck are you gonna vote for that dust ball hillary clinton? You can't say bernie. See the other guy bernie sand is 80. He's not gonna head fucking crews that sneak No way rubio the guy out the anti-cuban the worst. Who are you gonna vote for honestly, who the fuck are you gonna vote for? I don't I'm not huge into voting because of like The main reason is because the popular vote doesn't matter whether the electoral college But I'm not I'm not gonna vote even if I did like voting

Just because I don't like anyone else. I'm not gonna vote for trump That's just I'd rather not vote for anybody look at everybody before See, okay, bernie sanders is really big right now in like in like the early 20s Liberal he's he's like the the new jesus I like a lot of what he's saying and those early 20 kids. They could all suck my dick. They don't know nothing about nothing They know a fucking computer. They know nothing about nothing nothing about nothing They think sanat live is funny and they think uber and it's fucking funny and they just do what everybody else fucking does

That's what the fucking ultra 29 year I wipe my ass with that fucking vote because that votes want to take our country deeper Those are the same jerk calls that voted obama and same jerk calls with that bullshit about change And just to show people that they're not that they're not fucking nigger haters. Let me vote for obama This will show my white friends. I'm not a nigger hater And i'm not a nigger hate. I hate to say that fucking word I'm just saying it because that's the bottom line That was the whole thing of fucking his vote the

Sanctum of him's vote was getting these weak white people to go. I'm not prejudiced. Yes, you are I'm not saying you're prejudiced But you say nigger from time to time you say look at those black suspicious men On the corner with bdi's that means you're fucking racially Observent let's just say that you're racially observant if you see three mexicans acting funny on the corner You will down 9-1-1 that means you're racially It got me the other day, dude. I i'm from an all-black neighborhood. So i'm cool with everybody But the other day i'm walking back to my apartment from the grocery store

I live right across the street from the grocery store got a couple bags out of the little parking lot area of my complex I see a black guy wearing a black hoodie. I just took note of it right just took mental note It's a mental ops. It's a racial I took mental notes. So then the next day I wake up to a group text for the first time ever And it's all my neighbors in the apartment. I don't even have them safe So it's all these seven unlisted numbers right and one of it was one of the ladies goes Hey, it's it's you know, kasey or whatever Someone broke into my car last night if anybody knows anything. Let me know and I literally go

I got holy shit. I I know this I go there was a So I respond in the group text message even though I don't want to I go There's a black man in a black hoodie that I saw walk out of that area that I've never seen before at 10 30 He got into a car with the chubby white chick silver car with the chubby white chick That's exactly what I said because that's exactly what I saw because something I thought it was suspicious Because of the black eye and the black hoodie and how they're shoving it all down our throats And next message respond in that big group text that all the neighbors are seeing is uh, oh, oh, that's tom That's our newest neighbor

He's in this group message I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me Like all of it. What what a terrible first impression and it's because like, you know But you have to be observing if it was a white guy in a black hoodie that I've never seen before walking out of that area Getting into a silver car with the chubby white chick. I would have said the exact same thing The only difference word-wise would have been white and black but you know And but we live in this age where it's like, you know, oh, you can't say that he was black

What are you it's like? No, he was black the guy the guy that was suspicious to me because I hadn't seen him before was black If it was a white guy looking all methie, it would have been white. I would have been suspicious also I would have been suspicious. It's it's weird how Because I'm a criminal I see body language I judge people by body language So I know when somebody's up to something By that body language I could see because I know the body language. I had the body language

So even if I see a black guy with a hoodie Which I'm supposed to react to I'm not reacting to him. I'm reacting to his body fucking language And I'm eight out of 10. I'm really good. I could see a drug deal go down I could see a lot of things a lot of people don't see because I was part of that I could tell when somebody's waiting for a package. I just noticed that a couple weeks ago By the Bank of America on Lancashire Oh that day hang out there I had to sit there the other day because there was a lot of people online

And the phone rang and I started getting into the conversation I'm gonna have to go stand on line with the people. Let me just give it a minute Let me talk to this guy in the car And while I was standing there, I saw a guy pull up and wait Stand on line go to the ATM And he didn't go right back to his car He just stood there. He crossed the street. He finagled a little bit He walked up to the car a little bit, but it really wasn't going for his car

And I sat there and the conversation ended and I just wanted to test my instincts Either his girlfriend dropped him off and went to got cigarettes or reefer is gonna pick him back up Or he's waiting for a drug deal And sure enough what happens next Two little mexican dudes pull up in the fucking like a smaller like a Acura, okay with the rims, you know, he could have been filipino's of mexicans. I'm not sure They pulled in the guy got out One of this truck

Make believe he was playing with a basketball They made the exchange the basketball never left the trunk They closed the trunk the guy walked And then somebody picked him up. He made a call And somebody picked him up. So my instincts was correct from just seeing that guy walk From the ATM and stopping Because I remember when I would just tell the guy just made me at the ATM

Why fuck around? Yeah, so where does it cross the line from? Just noticing or just being observant To racism or to prejudice to being prejudice You hear right here It's it's all in what that's what's crazy is like it could be a white person It doesn't what makes it prejudice or racist it's it there is none It's just being observant and like for example like the other day

I'm sitting in the back of the comedy store just sitting there I'm like next or something on like that on the lineup So I'm sitting in one of the bucket seats for a second And I noticed this guy come in white guy black hoodie With a white girl with a black hoodie Both of them hoods up But I'm not even really watching that just like what you're saying And this comes from being born and raised in youngstown when it was by far the most dangerous

I'm from the most dangerous intersection In what was the most dangerous city at the time, but I'm from the There's bullet holes in my house that happened when I was growing up could have could have been there But anyway, you learn a lot from all that and I was watching the way that they walked and where their hands were in their hoodie pockets And how much stuff was in their pockets. That's always a good giveaway of how shady somebody is The more stuff you have in your pockets the shadier you are Easy breezy now anyway, and I notice these two and I notice the way they're walking and I guess something's not right with these two You know something's off

Next thing, you know 45 minutes later. I'm walking down From the main room or something like that from that back area and I walked by That girl had thrown up All over the middle of the hallway where all the headshots are the main hallway Where hundreds of people are supposed to be going through she threw up everywhere just everywhere And it wasn't from alcohol Just alcohol or else she wouldn't have been able to walk in 45 minutes earlier But there was something about the walk and the vibe that made me think that this chick was on pills

And mixing it with alcohol and that's how you projectile vomit like that. You know what I mean? That's what it was and sure enough. It was right there proof is in what looked like the pudding okay About six years ago. I moved to studio city I'm banned from the store. I'm not banned. I'm not going to the store at all So I would go do all the mexican rooms. I'd do the improv's And at night on the way home I'd stop at the ha ha and I would sit outside the ha ha Lancashire and I noticed something There for a fucking primarily white neighborhood

There was a lot of single black chicks And two team black chicks that I'd see walking down Lancashire But I would see them at 9 I would see him at 10 That's one thing But to see black chicks walking down Lancashire at 11 30 That's another

and they would walk north on the Left side or whatever that was and they'd go to like big wings Then they cross the street and walk all the way back to The intersection. It doesn't take a genius To tell you that they're fucking hookers Now that I made the decision that was Now that you know that I not introduce you to a white hooker at the ha ha Yeah, you didn't have so much to introduce me just like left me with a woman with bandages on her head

And I find out and I want to have later that she's a hooker Okay Introduce you left him with up and I talked to you rip those bandages off way down Lee This was right. He hit him up for like 50. This is right when you wouldn't go for it And I can freak me out. I You're wearing bandages. Let's do 20. Let's do 20. Somebody beat you up already. You know what I'm saying? I was gonna beat you up. I go for the big 50, but somebody smacked the shit out of you We were just sitting there talking and I thought he was just like a sad person who wanted to talk

She came over started sitting there talking. I didn't know I go you want to go in and watch the we went in Lee and her were hitting it off. I'm married. They go Lee Go across the street and have a drink. What kind of bandages was this like half a mummy or something? I think she maybe had something like one around her head or I don't even remember to be fucking honest This was like five years ago Is when we first met like the second the third weekend Just let him know we were fucking crazy He calls me the next day. Man, man, man, you're not gonna believe it that girl wanted 60 dollars and shit

I'm like, did you give it to her? I don't know. Lee was petrified You left Lee with a hooker that had a whole bandage around her head. I mean a hooker is one thing. That's no problem But that's why I had I had no idea what she was talking about. She kept saying I'm gonna take you to hotel Make you feel like the sexiest man. I'm like, what are you talking about? Make me feel like the sexiest man I'm like, okay She like she started she started off by saying like let's go watch a movie And I was like at your house and I didn't want to bring this this woman with a bandage to my house So I said I don't live near here. She said let's get a hotel and I was broke. I didn't have money for a hotel

You sent us the skinnies the only time I've been to skinnies. I had half a beer And we started dancing and then she's like, do we have a deal? I was like, what are you talking about a deal? I'm this is brand new from boss and she's like, well, this isn't free or something and I left I didn't even I had to go back the next day. I didn't sound my slip my my my tab My credit card slipped because I just I bought She I've never experienced anything like that. And you did you know you probably know You dined and ditched to get away from this Bandage this shit out of him dog. By the way, the funniest line

I've heard in months from any human being is I couldn't bring this lady with a bandage back to my place You see that live with hilarious he was in there sweating bullets his face was red I'm back. I'm back at home giggling my asshole because I know nothing good's gonna come from this I left him with a hooker with a bandage on it. This is how you toughen him up and he got out of it I gotta go to bathroom and think about it. He fucking booked home. He went back the next day to the bar. Oh my god Did you explain yourself when you went there like my buddy left me with a hooker with a bandage They're like, oh with a bandage. Well, it's all good. I don't I all remembers I was I called I was like

I don't think I saw my slip last night. I don't think I told him what happened It's that skinny he's right on like her shimmy was And I should have as we were walking she grabbed my hand so fucking hard like hard. She looked like she was in pain or something I think she got like just got hit by a car. I don't know what And this isn't the only time this happens. He gets hit up by crazy ladies at the steak place There's another chick at 7 11 And you love it And I think that might be what it is for you joey

Most people run away from crazy people like that And you and it's like you invite them in for Thanksgiving dinner. Just because you know, it's gonna be funny. All right, listen Ever since I was a kid you got to play the hand out. Yeah, I love to see where things are going in life There's some people who approach me so dumb Because I tell them no, no, that's okay, man. Thank you. I really have something going on. Thank you very much for thinking of me I'm very polite But there's some people that You give them a chance to tell you their story

And you sit there and go this is not happening Or whatever I've told this story a thousand times on here about the hooker from 7 11. How hot is she Lee? She's pretty hot. I mean, she's hot. She's a hot black african-american girl told me she was from jersey And you know, I met her at the ha ha and then I saw it 7 11 So I thought she was legit when you see somebody in a comedy club, right? You're like, ah, you know, how bad can they be? But the night I saw I saw with like a weird girl And I knew and she said to me Can you do me a favor and give me a number because I really want to try this

And I really would want some help her approach to me was pretty simple And I'm a guy and I'm like, you know what? I give away my number five times to a young comic nobody's gonna call me They're gonna call me one time and ask me for something stupid and they won't call again I didn't know if this girl really wanted help. I didn't know I'd seen her at the ha All right, here's my number. You want to talk to me about something? Bro, then it started And she would call and I go, what do you want?

Well, I want to see, you know, if you want to come watch me there. Whatever the fuck she was talking about I didn't know what she was talking about And finally I go, what are you talking about? And she's like, wow, you know, I'd like to get together with you She asked me for like 200 hours And I'm like 200. Okay. Now what I don't get it because that's how they come on first with the loan It's like if a girl comes up to you at the store tonight, you buy you you walk around the corner with it What's the sandwich place pinks? Yeah, and you smoke a joint you go home And all of a sudden she goes, I really want to do comics. You can have your number, Tony

You're like, what the fuck you already told you had a girlfriend the whole thing And all of a sudden she calls you two days later and go, Tony, I need 400 bucks. Can you help me? And you're like, I don't know you but What do you want the 400 for and they hit you with something you're like, okay And now I'm curious because I'm curious how they're gonna pay you back. That's what you gotta ask So I'll give you the full house, but how am I gonna pay you back? And she started with the you knows No, I don't know

I don't know or you telling me you're a dj. I don't know You tell me you're a dj. You can't make money. So how you gonna pay me back this far? Now the whole time guys I can't I can't hook up with this chick. Right. I would love to eat her ass and smack her This was recent. This is a year ago. All right, Lee, not even not even this year. This you know, it was 2015. Oh, yeah it was 2015 so I see her again and now One night she calls me like a one in the morning

I really need the money I fucking suck your dick and now I'm like, okay. I'm curious. You know what the world gym is on the corner there Lancashire right there. Yeah, I'll meet you there and I left her there for like four hours She's texting me. Where are you? I'm out here. It's cold people are come approaching me, you know I wanted to see where the hand played out. I had a feeling funny feeling I got a call seven years ago. That was what I've known this girl for years around the comedy scene for years And one night on a sunday and I got a call from her. She's like uncle Joe. I need to talk to you

I booked this role You know, but they don't they don't let me pay for sag hilarious Now I know the girl's a half a whore Not because of my experiences with her, but I've heard rumblings, but I didn't know if she wanted money for sex This is completely different. I gotta tell you something the girl was beautiful. Huh beautiful And she calls me out when she goes, I need 2,500 to join sag And I'm like, let me ask you something. So you're doing a six on a roll for someone I go sags got a financing program now

And she's telling me how sag doesn't have it. I'm like, I fucking just was down there for something else And this 10 years ago used to be a great hot dog stand And for the sag it was a hot blonde chick who sold separate hot dogs from jersey And she made the chili and she did everything so I'd go to sag every time I was down there And I'd go inside and look at the board and they had it financing available when I became sag There was no fucking financing available. But now there is so I'm just interested so I go listen. Let me ask you something So how you gonna pay me this $2,500 back? She goes, I'll give you a six from the check Which is not gonna happen because you're only getting three after commissions and taxes

And I'm just playing along now. How you gonna pay me the money and she starts with well, maybe we could work something out What are you thinking? And she goes, oh, maybe we could have sex. I swear to god this is happening to me. Don't wow My root my wife is in the other fucking room and I'm sitting here going I know a guy who dated you for three years. Who you almost married I'm not saying this to her. I'm just saying this to my head Now between you and me and lee I had maybe a hundred miles in the bank

There was no way I even had the money. I'm just playing the hand I'm just wanting to see how how fucking crazy people get in this town That she's offering a fat 40 fucking two year old three year old guy. This had to be I lived in the back. This had to be seven years ago. So I'm 45 years old. She's got to be 25 Just a body that don't fucking quit and I finally go listen Let me think about this calling me back in an hour. I want you to think about these words So you're telling me is if I give you the money, I'm gonna go on there. Fuck you and suck and she goes well I really don't like sucking dick. I go for 25 months. You're gonna have to suck some dick

I mean, you know me. I established a rule. There was nothing gonna happen. I forget all about raffi mays picking me up So bling the phone rings joy. I'm downstairs. I go shit. I go downstairs I get in the car raffi were driving and who calls me back, but she does And she goes, so what are we gonna do? Is this gonna go down tonight? And I go well I go listen, man. You know, I'm a fucking freak I go, I want to fuck you and suck your ass, but I really I want to light your ass on fire And I hear her go Can I call you back? I swear to god, she goes, can I call you back?

And I go hurry up. I'm gonna like I'm gonna I'm gonna make reservations for the four seasons right now But I'm gonna light your asshole on fire And I swear to god she went from being happy and happy They going can I call you back She got scared and about 10 minutes later she goes, listen, I'm sorry. I'm not gonna go through with it I got my uncle won me the money. I fucking died. Wow. She fucked her uncle for the money She fucked her uncle But it was hysterical that and I felt bad. I really felt sad for her

I didn't because if I was a girl and I had a hot body one shot deal 2,500 I'd fuck ton guys I'd fuck 15 fuck, you know, I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't I don't Whatever But what are you gonna do? You know, I like to play the handout. I've always Love to play the handout even if I'm not gonna go through with it Just to see who cracks first Especially as comedians where a lot where everything you say is like based on experiences or

In the for the most part stories or things that make you think of something So it wouldn't make sense to shut yourself off from it And when you meet like that night, I would have played that handout Oh I would have told let's go to you know suck my dick one time And I go to the ATM machine something I would have fingered at something After I would have took the bandage off and handcuffed it with it or hit her with it I would have stolen a fucking antibiotic cream

Something you follow me. I just went to the left, but you haven't seen this move yet I would have fucking played with you for a little who would have played with it a little bit Tell me to set a whole time room go there without us. Did you stop and get Vaseline? We're gonna light your asshole on fire. I'm what you want 60. We'll give you 3000 And just play with him a little bit We did you talk would you talk to this lady about for an hour and a half in here? It wasn't an hour and a half I feel like it was like maybe half an hour

But then we were just talking I don't even know. I don't even know. I think she was What I think it was it was more of like I was Like I've always been a very quiet person and I think she was just talking at us Like Joey and I were talking about when we first started hanging out We were just hanging out at the hot we didn't do any work or anything And I think she just came over and sat down was talking like nonsense about her What happened to her head or my night is so hard. Just like, you know how crazy people get they just start talking at you

Yeah, and I was I had just moved here And I don't think I'd fucked anybody in like at least six months And I was probably just too like focused on that God that was crazy Yeah bandages bandages are like a funny thing like looking back on it now It's like what the fuck was I thinking even getting like Joey said get a drink So I get a drink with a check with a bandage on her head I won't talk to people with bandages even if it's one of my best pals

I mean you you're you're hanging out in public with a head bandage. I'm sorry. I was on a phone one time in a subway Unlike fucking Harlem and I had my back to the train And the chick tapped me on the shoulder and I was on the phone. I'm like she's like hello Hello, I'm on the phone with josh wolf and I go hold on one second I just turned and this chick was beautiful, but somebody had punched her Right in the fucking eye that even the middle was red like it was like a white head with blood in it That's what how I look like and I'm like, can I help you and I never forget that she goes For five hours

And I lied I suck your dick and even the guy on the phone josh wolf heard it And I go did you hear that and he goes, yes, I did. What is that go? Let me call you back And I what is wrong with you when she goes for five hours and a and a light I'll suck your dick so fucking good And I just started fucking with it like that's I'm a comic. Yeah, so what happened to your eye, right? Oh, I fell so what do you want the five hours for I need to eat something She was white and cute and she's talking like a black chick like I needs to eat something And I'm like, okay, but what do you have to what do you what's the lighter for? Uh, uh, you do drugs never

I mean this went on for 40 minutes. I missed three or four trains Fuck up was I didn't have a cell phone or a video. I would say I'm gonna give you five hours another 20 at the end Let me tape this conversation. Yeah, I would have had a million views on that. She went from You don't know what the fuck you talking about. You're gonna let me suck your dick or not for five hours I'm like, I don't know. You got a black eye Well, let me ask you a question if you if a chick came up to you one of the suck your dick with a black eye There's got to be some, uh, property value damage

It's damage to the eye. Oh, yeah, so let me make you an offer. How about $2 in a book of matches? I just kept fucking with it and she's like, fuck you you fat motherfucker You probably can't get it up. Anyway, and she kept fighting me back and finally she walked 50 steps And she came back and she goes three dollars like she was oh my my god You can't write this but it wouldn't have happened if I didn't play the hand If I was a regular schmuck and said no, no, no, I'm not interested go away She would have ran away and said fuck you but I had to play the hand That's how low she got herself like she's like, okay. Okay. Last deal

She's like three dollars and I'll suck your dick and that's it. That's my bottom line And I'm like admit to me that you smoke crack And she's like fuck you. Okay. Okay. I smoke crack. I go how many times a week? Uh, just once but no Tell me the truth. She's like, okay. I've smoked it twice Nobody gets a fucking black eye if they don't smoke fucking crack and then she just broke that And I just peeled off like a 10 Let me tell you something. She took that 10 She didn't even go up for sunlight. She ran back into the train

Like when they live in the train She just ran back in there and I'm gonna be honest with both people here in all podcast listeners This girl was so hot I would have fucked her with the black eye with two black eyes without the black eye I know I'm scared of getting a half a hiv so I wouldn't have fucked her But my point being that I had to play the hand out with it. I would have guys I would have talked if she this girl didn't have a black eye. I could have brought her around Nobody would have known she was a crack or her teeth were still intact

She was in the beginning of her crack deterioration She just caught a black eye Just in an argument or a mirror or something happened over a crack pipe or something like that, but You know, you got to play the hand out guys if you see a victim And they want to play at the comedy stores filled with that's what when I first moved to la nine years ago one of the things that uh You're you're I'm so with you on this because one of the things that I started doing was as I started talking back to

Homeless people I found it to be interesting interesting as well So interesting to me because where I'm from in youngstown, ohio since it's just the hood There's not homeless people. I mean there is you'll see a little one here and there, but they're not they're not lively They're not like acting They're not Trying to get money. They're not they don't have efforts and things like that And I just was like so enthralled by these people like I mean just I was amazed I wanted to make a documentary about him at one point like when I first got here because it was just I was

Obsessed pretty interesting and I would talk. I love it. I love I learned in new york But in boulder at some vietnam that friends that I met that were homeless. I talked to him all the time I talked to him for 10 15 minutes maybe 20 throw him a buck and then that's it We're all the black guy by my house that won't take my money Wow, I haven't seen I haven't seen him about a week. He won't take my money He won't take meals like if I me and my wife went to the chinese place. I saw him won't take the meal I went back and I was still on the floor He won't take handouts. He's that proud. He was like a professibly lost his wife and it's very fucking interesting

Very let me get some shout outs. We'll get the fuck out of here. What's up, brother Fucking the fuck don't know it. I won't let you do you shout out It's interesting how we were talking about like prejudice and stuff I feel like that even more than like race like homeless people probably get the worst like like you When you grow up in a city you there's like your automatic responses No, like because if in like boston or new york if you give them An inch they'll stay they'll be with you for 20 minutes that shit is 60% as mental health, right? Yeah It's mental health. Look at these people. It's not that they're homeless because they want to be I'll tell you what 20% of them

If you really talk to people they're homeless because they wanted to check out They want they got sick and tired of the responsibility They got sick and tired of a lot of things and I could see it. I'm 52. You guys are still young They'll be days pretty soon that you go, you know what? If I lived under a bridge I can eat free food at the church. They'll let me take showers. They give me a blanket. How cold does it get here at night? You can live outside with a tent here somewhere

I mean, I'm not you know, we had somebody here a month ago. It says she's she was taking a living home You know, so many so many so many comedians do it. I mean there was there was a month in 2008 2009 Where I was in between places and didn't want to crash on the couch that I was on anymore And I crashed in the backseat of my car right behind the comedy store. I'd work a shift there I'd go to pick up my car at the hill because back then the employees at the park up on the hill Still we got a part I give them rides all the time. Yeah, so I'd go get my 2 30 a.m. Everybody 3 a.m. Everybody's done. Maybe we already went to a diner or whatever 4 a.m I'd go get my car

I'd pull it into the little alleyway behind the comedy store go in the backseat I sleep curled up into a fetal position anyway, even if I'm in a king-size bet So fuck it if I'm not in my backseat crash sun comes up 7 38 a.m. Wake she right up I'd go right into the by then the comedy store cleaning crew is there. I'd go in take a shower I was the only person it was amazing Take a shower I'd go to the trunk of my car had all my clothes clean folded organized fucking Perfectly folded chiseled like I live better than most people do at their homes. I feel like you know what I mean and

it's like, you know You can you can you can do some crazy shit What's happening now is these people had get these 24 hour gym memberships You can crash in your car you wake up the next day told you you walk right into the gym Take a shower Get a workout in And you're in freedom in Seattle. I lived in an office for 125 No bathroom had a shit out the window and pissed out the window. You have no idea

But the gym was around the corner You shut out the window put my ass right out the fucking window. That's why he's women of bandages on their heads Come on in. I wiped my ass throw the paper out the window Hopefully it will land on this shit perpendicular and I'd walk over to the gym work out take a shower I go back at eight box take a shower and go do comedy I used to live in both that shower at the commies too. That's a good shower in the main room God the water pressure the water pressure is insane out of control. I'd go back there whack off take a shit shave Have my towels. I took two showers at night at the commies. Yeah

You think i'm fucking that's how I know that this was a big dream for you Yeah, because that's the dream tester When you do things that you would never ever fucking do I lived on sunset and Gardner in that car for months. Yeah for months. I lived in that car and people are like, wow. I key You know, I I never had a doubt of leaving right never ever ever. It was even more. It was even better. I would go. I remember Fucking going I because I would never sleep at the store because people always come back there Me neither the same thing in fact in fact the whole time that I was sleeping in that car

There was somebody that was sleeping inside the store and I wouldn't I wouldn't do that I I I had that separation. No, no, no, no, I would go To sunset and Gardner by Josh Wolves house or Ralphie Maze house I'd sleep if I didn't want to bother him if I had like an earlier edition I'd shoot to the commie store the clean crew take a shower And guys it was like another day to me That's how big my dream was it was just another day it was part of and that's how you know the dream's big because Now you know what I mean like it's like I got a fucking electric blanket. I got

Queen size temper I got salt scrub face wash and my shower and I got a bath in my bathroom. Yeah, I tell you something guys I not only when I my foot my two feet hit the ground and I only thank God Or whatever forgive me another day, but every night I put my sleep apnea mask on I turned the fan on And that room is freezing. I looked for my wife. She's somewhere under those blankets I got the air down to 60. I got the fucking ceiling fan going I got the air fan going I got that and I tell you whatever I cuddle And I put that blanket on I get cold that night

I give God thanks that I'm not in the fucking car anymore And for one minute I always put myself there for one minute every night I go I always put myself, you know the library is by north hollywood park Where we used to go for the trucks The homeless people sleep behind their little cubicles on this I always put myself there for being how lucky I am that I have a bed That I could be and I and for two minutes. I imagine myself at north hollywood park

And I go wow, this is how real this is This is why sometimes people go on joey. Sometimes you talk about the old shit I keep my prison days in line. I keep sleeping in my car Very close to me. I keep that closer to me than my anything life considered success I keep that close to me like a badge of honor because I know how fast everything could change. I know the slip-up You know, everybody's talking about old chopo That was a slip-up on our chopo side 10 years ago. Oh chopo would never done that, but he got netflix He saw narcos

Now he's gonna see your special on fucking friday And he might be a what you know what i'm saying. Yeah 10 years ago. He never thought like that But somewhere You know, even if he wasn't doing drugs and your drug-demented fucking mind. He let a little window open I always try to keep that window shut. That's why I put myself there I always take myself to the darkest time of my life every day for one minute To think about how fucking lucky I am how fucking but I basically do it at night Like how lucky I am that a rat's not running by me

Oh, how lucky am I that i'm not opening up my eyes and seeing a possum three feet from me walking on a raccoon You know and it happens guys. It's happened Looking down and seeing a water bug next to you where you're like, I can't sleep and fucking sitting on a wall with You fucking you're falling asleep every fucking 10 minutes That's what makes me get up in the morning. How long do you think that would have lasted like you wouldn't still be living in your car now You would have given up. I know 19 years. I fucking hope not But that situation lasted for me from 97 to 2000 I had a three-year situation. Wow where I wasn't homeless

But I also didn't have a roof. I slept on josh wolf's couch. I slept on Ralphie's floor I slept in the car, you know, but it was always the fucking dream that kept me here I could not imagine listen. My mother is still something to me. You don't come home hit I listen I don't give a fuck. You don't come back to this house hit And when I left boulder, there was no way I was going back hit I wasn't going back hit. I was getting something out of here Something was going back with me an arm a leg

Somebody's fucking ear. Right, but I was not leaving this place without proving my point to an extent I didn't want to be what's that movie with? Jennifer Aniston and the fucking the guy I the creepy guy don't like that she was like a gypsy chick and He was like a fucking writer. Oh, are you thinking of uh, I want came pauli Yes, and that the actor in that movie that he's stiller. No, but what's the guy that was in that movie that died from heroin? Seymour Hoffman plays a guy that I like him No, look at the guy he plays he plays a guy that's like a comic that will live the rest of his life off one success And we'll talk about it for the rest of his fucking life

Why I didn't want to be one of those guys I wasn't going to go back and say, you know I was in spider-man 2 or 2003 when we worked on spider-man 2 and they're like, well, that's all you did Yeah, that's all I did. I needed to do and I could prove my point. No for me. It wasn't that I wanted to prove my fucking point to my family. I want to prove my point to my ex-con wife I want to prove my point to my daughter who mattered in those days But most importantly I wanted to prove my point to myself. I wasn't leaving here. I wasn't just gonna leave him become a comic To survive in LA you have to be gay. You have to kiss ass. You have to be a fucking faggot. No No, no, you don't you have that balls

It's the opposite to survive in fucking lm when you go on the road and you work shitty b-rooms You work with those comics. I used to live in LA. It's a fucking faggot's paradise You need to be a sucker as no, you just weren't good enough or you thought you were too good enough Wow That's tremendous fart. That's some chinese golly. Anyway, let's give some shout outs here. Happy birthday to my main man I think you just gave a shout out. Oh, shit My main man my main man bobby sharon. I love you all my heart They sent me some tour shirts. You got to see these fucking loves you all this fart

I love them with all my heart. That was amazing. Joe. Oh, you know how I do that happened regularly regularly And he blamed it on me last one. Well, yeah, I don't ever get to hear parts. I'm I got this little frame I don't ever have like real manfarts like that. That was a tremendous fun Paranormal, I love you Dallas courts. I love you Cameron ball Ricardo Calderon Joe Odell death squad Nashville. I'll set up death squad charlotte. I'll see you motherfuckers in a few weeks Tracy L. Thank you for the gifts and david christianson I love you cocksucker

I was a good that was a very good fart. That was what did you have for lunch? Garlic chicken with some steamed rice Vegetables. Oh, yeah, that's gonna be that's gonna be a good one. That's a good that garlic reaches into intestines Oh, yeah, and I had oatmeal for breakfast. It's already cleaning the oatmeal is really the work That's the work of art that that goes deep deep deep into your intestinal tract. You don't have good farts You don't get like he's just getting guys. Don't get me just started eating meat again. You're still back Yeah, yeah, I'm back big time no more vegan. That's it chicken for lunch steak for dinner. It's amazing

Fun with that fuck. Yeah I'm excited about things you have to be you have to be man Part of doing this is the enthusiasm And listen part of anything is enthusiasm If I come to you nothing is happening in my life. Look at you. You're a fucking drag You're a fucking drag. You might as well shoot yourself. Right. You're enthusiastic And you know, you have heart and you have a fucking dream Fucking the sky's the limit whether you're a plumber a lawyer a dentist

You fucking work at burger king if you work a subway and that's your option You could be the best subway guy there is You know, you could turn out to be just like fucking jarred Back in 14 year olds and eating turkey sandwiches no protein in any shit and coming that little weak fucking Chalmolester sperm that they get because yeah, that chalmolester sperm has to be just like Oh, it's not that it's like scramble fucking brains. They got no heart Oh, I thought I thought it was going to be the total opposite like even more because they're so turned on It comes out like all like colorful

disgusting Disgusting So tell me about this special when this is there, uh, it's out in uh, it's out tonight 3 a.m East coast 12 a.m Midnight tonight on a pacific time. It's tomorrow the 15th of january where we go live on netflix It's uploaded at midnight. What are you doing tomorrow? You're gonna watch it at the store with some people I'm actually going to atlanta with jill rogan tomorrow. We're doing a theater. So uh, fuck it. No, you're not celebrating Yeah, so tomorrow night's atlanta saturday's tampa and sunday. You're going to watch the fight

Yeah, and i'm at caroline's february 5th and 6 which is big anybody in new york Please come because that's a huge venue that i'm trying to fill up. It's crazy But that's the first time i'm headlining new york city man, which is like insane to me because when you're an la built guy You know all the way and you wonder sometimes being from youngstown, oh, hi Was new york, you know, but here i am and you know, it's a cool path that i feel like i'm on and i'm so excited About these shows at caroline's and where were you last week? Uh last week. I was in Um, new york and boston. Yeah, okay. You're at lap. Washington. Uh, I wasn't even actually I was just uh helping It's like a top secret project for comedy central

Okay, so you're just helping them out. It's beautiful. See you always make an app. Yeah How about you fuck stick? What do you got going on? You bring me up on my special though So that's important for your listeners to know that you you can see that's why i had john today I knew you weren't fighting on the kid. I knew you were on joe and usually i won't i'll stagger you I really want you special to do well. I'm very proud of you. You're a product of the store Thank you. I never think about this time. You know like that. I think you're a product of the store Those four walls have a magical effect on individuals Who have a dream and people listen to the podcast or at home going, you know

If I talk to fucking if i listen to joe goken or listen to you or arry I always hear the fucking store because it runs through our veins You know a couple weeks ago. I got into an altercation and I want people to understand me I'm not a part of the mafia. I was never a boy scout You see tattoos on me. You see any tattoos on me. You see me the earrings. You think I see tight pants. Am I a hipster? I've never been a part of no organization I'm only a part of one organization And that's the comedy store if I ever get a tattoo before mercy and jackie and my fucking wife and

A jew star whatever i'm gonna put the comedy store tattoo goes with me into the grave lee when I die Take a comedy store shirt rip it don't say that nobody Put a cross in it wrap it up and put it on my feet I'm taking the comedy store with me because that's who made me and that's who I was I will kill you at the comedy store. I will live and die. I don't live and die for anything I don't give a fuck about the catholics. I give a fuck about the jews because they're my brothers But the commie store commies would save my life and it's uh, I have the utmost fucking respect for comedy Almost utmost respect for commie people who do it in any other single way

You know, it's the people who put it down and the people that have no this is nothing bothers me when somebody calls Somebody who's not a stand-up a stand-up. They're a comedic actor There's a director who says cut and action and they run it through editing What you and I do at the comedy store in a nightly it takes something else You know, I never pat myself on the back for anything. I am Very happy that god put stand-up in my path And I don't care about specials or not. I care that I survived and I grew with it But what really is going to help you in the future and any other young comic

I talked about here on the show before how important it is that I interact with young comics It's what makes me a better comic watching you guys supporting you guys in my head Letting you know i'm in your corner because when I was at the store and I was you those motherfuckers were cunts jack All right, those older dudes were cunts And I made a point if I ever get to that level I will always give these guys respect that they deserve And it's you know the exact when I first got to the store in 2007 It was the exact same way that it was a lot of older door guys that That were just have have done nothing and are just angry and angry

And and that and what's crazy is that on on the contrary now things are sort of starting to pop for me And my whole podcast and sort of like how all the young comics look at me as the store is like Wow, that's tony hingecliffe who gives us the chance to go on stage for 60 seconds and get you know, what's cool about kill tony isn't that like they're being judged It's not like that. It's that they get to talk to and hear anything back from Imagine when you were starting if da myrera sitting there and making fun of you you'd love it Or if he's given you advice or how to what to do to a joke and like these comics are so grateful for kill tony So on the opposite end not only am I not hating not only am I you know what I mean trying to push anybody back

I'm giving a little kill tony monday night. Yes. Yes. What's the date? It's fine We almost forgot to announce it. But yes this monday 17th and eight o'clock And what's cool about that is i'm having a small small small little get together for my special right after that show So it's like a little tiny little are you gonna have food? Yeah, I think we'll figure something out. Yeah, they'll definitely be we won't come if there's no food If we can't come I can't show we'll get some pizzas and so we'll wrap some ladies We'll wrap some ladies heads and bandages. You gotta give them a little pastrami. He's jewish. Don't offend them Okay, you're gonna have jews there from cAA. Yeah, you're right. I don't want to eat no fucking dominoes pizza

You're right. Get yourself a nice little pastrami. Let the jews know you got that back. Yeah, I love that So you're on kill tony. It's the you're the one everybody's wanted forever monday the 17th. I'm a kill tony and tuesday the 18th I'm doing ari's Show about crime. So Dispose disclose one of my Many criminal devils that I haven't spoken about I want to give a shout out to honet as usual They're my number one. I love them to death. I live and die by honet Whether it's the alpha brain or the hemp force protein. I love the chocolate

Listen, I could sit here for three hours and get the web page and dictate it to you You don't need that you need to go to the web page and see what works for you and how honet is gonna work for you Whether it's the shroom tank or the t booster. They have everything they got you covered you travel the shroom tech sport Listen, you're gonna get sick But I'd rather get sick once a year than six times a year or the amount of flying that we do We will have a bug and we have to catch it So listen go with the shroom tech sport if you want more energy to work out more lung power I tried my heart was beating out of proportion last week because I dropped the fucking shroom tech

But I love you guys. We'll be back sunday night Again netflix tomorrow night my main man, tony hinchcliffe one shot one mother fucking shot one more shot Because I love you there's no place left to go Anyway, I love you cocksuckers the savage's dad tour starts January 28th and charlotte and the following week at st. Louis and helium Ticket time sale on my website and that's basically I love you motherfuckers with all my heart Stay black and I hope you got something out of this podcast. Hold on one second I gotta play something for you guys real quick

So you nobody gets upset or their feelings hurt because you know, I love you motherfuckers always and I love you stay black. Have a great weekend Oh Oh And I Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh This show is brought to you by onna.com Go to onna.com and use code word church to get 10 off all of the great optimization products Like alphabrine and new mood Also, this show is brought to you by hit e6.com better tasting longer lasting the proof is in the vape Go to hit e6.com right now and use code word joey's church to get five hit e6 $50

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