Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #348 - Brian Redban and George Perez

Episode Date: January 18, 2016

  Brian Redban, Comedian and head of Deathsquad , and George Perez, Comedian and Actor  joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Music:   Imagination - Just and Illusion I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Rock Lobster - B 52's  

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free just go to blueapron.com slash joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's blueapron.com slash joey. The show is also brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all the great optimization products like Alpha Brain and New Mood. Oh shit. Crank that fucking mule up Lee. It's Sunday night mother fuckers. I know you got the UFC. I know you got your Bible. But this is a church what's happening now mother fuckers. Crank that Lee. Oh shit. Who's that Tony Hitchcock somebody. Oh shit. That's like Sarah McCann

wait till sidewalk gets it ain't going to be that type of fucking picture. I can't see. It's Jillian. What the church what's happening now. You'll get this Monday morning. January 18th. Cocksuckers the month is half over. Crank that Lee. I want to hear this loud as shit. I want you to be a fucking DJ. This is Studio 54. 82 hit it Lee. Oh shit. If you watch the movie FX. This is the closing scene when they're driving off with the fucking gazillions and shit over the cliff in Switzerland. What's happening Red Band. How you doing George Perez in the house. What's up Sunday night round about Lisa. Yeah you bad motherfucker. Hey everybody. What's the guy that killed Tupac. He's got his

shirt on. But I thought my other shirt was a sugar night shirt. That's a sugar night shirt tonight Lee's back. He's back and shit. I never left. What's going on gentlemen. Trying to get over this horrible hangover that I've had. I don't eat as much because I'm on this diet. So last night I went deep and drank. What time did you hit the crib last night. I got home around three thirty. What time did you fall asleep. Or something like that. Yeah it's not too bad. No no but four that was early for Uncle Joey and shit. But I drank like I still had pizza in me or something that would you normally soak up my alcohol. So I woke up shaky today when I seen you at the store. Were you already on your way. Were you guys on your way. Yeah I was a little later on. Yeah I

was already taking shots and just drinking a little bit having fun. Damn you know. Did you ever go deep like that. You never were a huge drinker were you. Like did you go deep. It's nice. The only way to kill that eight ball is with some fucking Remi Martin Jack. You know whether you like it or not. You're drinking Remi. You're drinking Scotch. You're drinking fucking vodka with no mixes. You know you go to people's houses at three in the morning. They don't have not everybody has a full bar. They'll say well you got a half a bottle of Dewar's black and milk. And there you are like Jesus fucking Christ. Looks like I'm doing how many ice cubes you got. We only got one tray. And you just drink. I loved it. I fucking loved it because I can handle it like the Coke would burn

right through the fucking beer. Like beer. Beer was nothing to me. Yeah Budweiser's in the can. Bring them soldiers on dog. Put them in the freezer. I could talk shit and do bumps or fucking night with Budweiser. Would you drink sober like with no coke or no. No. There's no reason to drink sober. I hate it. There's no reason. For me that I couldn't see it. I could not see how people sat in the bar in the daytime without blood. Yeah. Like I'm like are you in there. Now if I'm doing a couple bumps then fuck it. I'm in there the daytime with you but it's very rare. I didn't like how I felt at nine. To do coke at four means that there's an endless stream. It's you're good till midnight right now. What do you got. You got a half ounce. I got a half.

I got an eight. You got an eight. Yeah. We'll make it till midnight. Midnight we're going to have a fucking problem. Yeah. To me cigarettes is a must too. You have to have cigarettes. If you don't got cigarettes you're just going to be stressed out looking for stuff on the floor. That's how I quit smoking cigarettes the first time. I went home with like an eight ball with no cigarettes because once I had a gram in me I'm not going out of the house. You know what I'm saying. Like you don't leave with the paranoia. You're not going to leave. No. No. So after I went through that one night in my head I go if I could stay without with an eight ball without doing cigarettes all night. Shit. I could do anything without cigarettes. That's

how I quit the first time. Just know the coke with no fucking cigarettes. Wow. What do cigarettes do for you? Like okay I'm coming at this from a point of like I'm now a weed guy. That's why I don't like drinking because it's just this is so much better to me. But what is it like what is cigarettes. Let's say you take a fucking good cigarette. Let's say you smoke this mule this fucking not this weed but the weed I came the gorilla glue number four. Okay. You roll that shit up for breakfast. All right. You get a cup of coffee. Okay. Put that coffee down. Let me tell you something. You hit that you hit two drinks of that coffee and you spark up that first cigarette. How good is it John? It's insane. It's like a fucking blow job. Then after a half a cup of

coffee you hit the joint and then after the joint that cigarette as you put that cigarette to your lips and that fucking lighter goes up and you take that first puff that's fucking heaven. That was the hardest thing about quitting cigarettes was I couldn't light up a cigarette after a good fucking joint if they're a good steak. Is it like calm? Like I've never smoked cigars but that's it. And listen man for years when I moved out of here I used to watch people who smoked and go that is the coolest fucking thing. I just can never do it. Some people are asshole smoking but some motherfuckers and they smoke you like god damn Jack. Yeah to me it's it's definitely a calm thing but I don't know if it's just my body wanting that nicotine or if it actually

relaxes you. I think it's more of just like feed an addiction kind of like calm. How much nicotine in a cigarette? I don't know. I don't know. You know what was weird though I quit smoking when I went to prison because you couldn't get them in the county. In the county you can't get them so the first 10 months I was like what the hell? And then once you go to your destination you're like I already quit for 10 months. Why the fuck am I gonna smoke? What am I gonna start for again? Yeah the coffee thing's the worst. I have to have a cigarette. Oh that's the whole fucking thing. That's the whole thing. That's the whole fucking thing. I need this morning I went to put the coffee in and my wife got to put the water in. Sometimes I go in there and take a shit and take a shower

real quick. Probably came out that house would have been fucking smoking because your thing blows up. The bottle gets so hot it just blows up. I was pissed. I was trying to I couldn't imagine waking up and not having fucking coffee with my joint in the morning. That to me outside in the balcony you hit that pipe one time at 6.15. You're brand new dog. Yeah it balances out the caffeine. The caffeine's a little smoother now. These are all different things you learn with age. It's like just little things. Like yesterday my wife made cream corn. Listen I love mother fucking cream corn. But then you when I went to Vegas and went to strip steak remember they have cream corn with little pieces of jalapeno in it. That takes cream corn to a complete different level.

Esquite right? That's what it's called in Spanish? Yeah. Oh it's fucking good. Cream corn with jalapeno. It doesn't have to be creamed. I've had it with just regular corn and how in fucking I had it with serranoes. Oh it's delicious. Corn with some spice to it is fucking delicious. Last night my wife made cream corn. It was fucking tremendous. I don't even know why I got on this conversation. I just love cream corn. Oh my god. With mashed potatoes when you bend the cream into the potatoes with Italian chicken cutlet with breaded. All right that's my favorite with cranberry juice. You don't eat it out of a can right? How do you make cream corn? It's all I've ever seen in a can. Okay Gentiles take a can of cream corn put it apart

stir it and give it to you. That's a fucking piece of shit Gentile. Uncle Joey you put a little garlic in that motherfucker a little pepper a little dab of salt you put some fucking homemade whipped butter in that motherfucker. That's cream fucking corn not out of a can for Thanksgiving. Those are the people I don't go to their fucking house. You gotta dope everything up. I it's I'm sorry if I get angered because my wife is a Gentile. She don't dope shit up. You can make fucking Dentimores listen you come to Lee's house and have him cook you Dentimores beef stew and come to my house and have my Dentimore beef stew you'll die. You'll go Joey I get it what you're saying. Dentimore is Dentimore if you let a bit Dentimore but if you dope it up you put some

garlic in that motherfucker for the immune system you put a little red wine a little sherry you mix that shit up real nice you cut some little bread you put some butter on it. Dentimore is now a complete different savage spam okay spam if you cut it and fry it it's like a dick you know it's like a stinky pussy it's just there but you take spam you get some spinach you know I'm saying maybe some eggs you dope it up you marinate it with some sriracha it's gotta be a recipe and that's what you know I don't mind eating listen these people these fucking assholes and I'll tell you I'll call your assholes to your fucking face well well you know I only can make my mom spaghetti fill listen I'll fucking dope up some prego you come to my house you you suck my dick the sauce is so good

I'll dope up prego yeah I'll get ragu meat add some meat some extra garlic a fuck you know what I'm saying you dope it up it ain't that fucking bad for people who live in a rush for people who live in a rush I dope up everything but when I give it to you you'll know it but you'll go wow this is really fucking good because you dope things up yeah is it from when you were broke like it just having a like you had growing or denting more from watching my mom cook I would go to people's house and see a dumb fuck get margarine and make a fucking steak them a steak them basically is like a skunk that they shave that's a steak okay have you ever smelled the steak it already has enough oil in it it's disgusting what is it I don't know what it is steak them as little steaks in the 70s

that came out oh they're gross and white kids were eating them and they're fucking disgusting it's like a tv dinner no and they're frozen too right they're not there they're frozen like a philly steak you know like oh okay real thing you don't know what it is yeah it's you hope it is but when I was a kid I take that thing and I fucking marinate it and fucking the mojito oh yeah I had salt and pepper and I fry it with onions and then while I was frying I throw cheese on it mix it up on wonder bread yeah come on bitch with some more right of french fries because you take some more right of fries and put them in the oven bake those motherfuckers with some salt and pepper I'll take you to different places where you've never been all that food isn't bad first of you

can't eat it any every night no but listen from being in the joint yes what did you learn a lot you learn a lot from seeing people cook you see a guy cooking with an iron the insides of an iron getting a piece of cheddar cheese that you steal from the kitchen and he puts it in a pot and he takes a fucking iron you know the irons that nerve in the middle and he sticks it in there yeah it makes it a stinger and it takes all night long like god when is the cheese gonna be ready tomorrow at six you know what tomorrow at six yeah it takes eight hours with that stinger so you got like two or three stingers and you melt that cheese and people with coca jalapeños in there it's a rat and me it's a fucking rat and you know I tell people the best Christmas I ever had was my joint

my Christmas and the joint in the age unit that motherfuckers whipped up a Christmas meal they might have the hip but those motherfuckers didn't give a fuck jack now we made tamales in ours we got Doritos tortillas we crushed them up with a little bit of milk and we made it masa we had roast beef we put the roast beef in it was a little one and then like yeah dog it was it was crazy I was tripping out like we really have tamales though there's two but those are the best tamales ever it's fucking crazy tons of food you could dip a whip up and people won't even know but you don't want to do it all the time the steak ones will kill you yeah you know my friend was telling me today dog I went to this place and they had white castle burgers they weren't that good I

tell you what I'll buy a box of white castle burgers from rounds you come over you come over and close your eyes I can't give you the fries and nobody has ice cubes like white castle white cancel a diet Pepsi from white castle or a pep they don't even have coke and I get the Pepsi because you taste how different the ice cubes make the soda drink is it the small like crushed kind of rocks yeah it's yeah that's great too and they fill it to the top yeah to the top and for some reason when you get it like it's just perfect they know exactly how to fucking do it that's wait do this white castle burgers come with buns frozen too everything oh you can have frozen buns this is what bro this is what you bro my doctor goes to Chicago and buys those fucking original

sandwiches those fucking things that Portellius oh nice he brings five with a mother playing he tells me he freezes him and he goes every once in a while things happen I put those motherfuckers in the oven they're like Portellus listen what you do is you get a a baking tray and you fill it with a half inch of water right and then you take the other tray and you put it on top and you put white castles in and you put them in the oven steam buns and you steam those come on duck you know one thing Lee about the bread is that they do put some kind of chemical in the bread too so that they stay fresh when you microwave them or whatever because when I I did a thing on periscope where I eat food in the shower and like when I had the white castle buns the buns would not

disintegrate they would stay the same shape as a bun but they would fill up with water so when I took a bite of each one of the burgers they just burst like water in my mouth it's some kind of chemical in those buns that keep them like yeah never mind they're dipping no would you ever like go and buy like some nice buns and just use the meat because that that bun is like castle yeah it tastes good that's like taking some guy's asshole and putting it in the other one no you can't do that you know what I'm saying you can't fucking do that Lee you got to use the shit it comes with that's what makes the white castle white castle we need a white castle out here I'm surprised that there isn't a white castle on the west coast we should franchise one and put

it like right in the middle of hollywood or something I think when does white castle ends I think white castle ends in tex no excuse me for burping I think it ends in Phaedon Illinois oh you might be right I just noticed they made a steak and shake now in Burbank oh yeah I just saw that I was like what the fuck steak and shakes in Ohio I mean in California now that's why I used to eat them in timley park in Chicago and timley park had a a steak and shake right next to the club and I used to go there and across the street was white castle Jesus you could fucking lose you know I'm saying george prez what's going on in your world not much man just filling the fucking desk star you know I mean I'm just press you're getting ready for this

fucking son's anarchy thing they don't they're serious man they're serious if you're Mexican right now if you're a Mexican-American comic and especially when you look I'd be getting ready I'd be lifting some weights getting some tats right learning how to ride a motorcycle yeah I got all that shit already serious this is real man yeah this is fucking real I mean I don't know if they would cast me no no they're gonna cast red band instead you're fucking Mexican it's uh I wouldn't even know how to get in though Joey it's very easy we find out who the casting person is they're looking to find the job remember a casting person is looking to cast that job people always say well I don't have an agent you don't need a fucking agent you just need to put fevers out there and say

listen when you hear about stuff let me know and you know what you just if I if I didn't have an agent I just get the casting agent book see which ones aren't on lots what does that mean aren't on a lot if a casting agent is on a fox lot you're never gonna see it okay because you gotta go through security but there's a lot of casting agents like that on large mount there's a street large mount by paramount there's six casting directors you could walk into their office and drop your headshot oh what's this for and say I just want you guys to have this on file but the assistant to look at you and go okay you know I was talking to Ari today and we had an interesting conversation I was saying how and this is very important with Death Squad very important with

Death Squad and I don't see this shit because I don't give a fuck I'm just happy to be performing when I perform but the personal runs cops came to me once and said the really weird thing about Death Squad isn't the movement or the people it's the age of the people that are coming to watch us perform you know I'm no spring chicken you're no spring chicken Joe's no spring chicken you know George Perez is halfway there he's no spring chicken and people coming out to see us yeah because it wasn't young it's in the past like I never was 18 was like a comedy fan when I was 18 you know and now comedy fans because and it's weird Harvard Joe tweeted two weeks ago that Harvard released a study that young college students do not have a sense of humor do you remember that that some

Harvard professor said that you know but the people that come in the comedy shows a 24 year old you said my niece last night yeah how fucking cool was that was cool it was really cool that's crazy that's crazy your niece was there yeah I was growing up I stumbled into a house they were the only other Cubans in the neighborhood okay four blocks away and they invited me over and I go up there the kid was Jesus he was a little kid were they from the same part as cuba as you or nothing they were the Garcia's and the girl was my age a year older but went to St. Bridget's and she introduced me to all the the whole neighborhood the whole block I will I still talk to that whole block there was a whole block and there was the Garcia's Kathy Moran Frank Jansen and then Kathy

Moran hung out with a girl Valerie McNeil and I met him all in the eighth grade and I started hanging out and we would nobody did drugs we go to their houses and watch the love book Fantasy Island and when we giggle and talk shit to one in the morning the parents were in the bedrooms and that was what we did and we ended up being friends then we grew up and the disco started and she that girl's aunt ended up marrying the guy that took me the first what broke my belief in the church he said you want to get some weed and he took me to New York City to the Lower East Side and we parked in front of a Catholic church and we walked downstairs and people saw him weed and the priest was on the other thing and it was a well-known church on

Fridays they sold weed on this side and the church took a piece of it I was broken but lefty Cortina that was his name and when I got left back they used to forge my report cards her aunt was a great forger she figured out the printing system before anybody she would white it out and then put scotch tape and then remove it and then reprint it it was manual it was better than the report card the paper it was fucking amazing so I became friends with them that's why I first got saw Saturday Night Live where I went over there and I'm like this sucks and they were like it's funny fuck you guys this is punk ass shit you motherfuckers make me come home from sucking some chicks tit to fucking coming and seeing this shit how do you stumble into a forger like this is like

she wasn't a person she was a we were young kids they went to catholic catholic school the girls it was the hustle then everybody had a hustle but he is more against even more interesting Jackie her aunt lived upstairs they owned the house the guy that lived downstairs was my thing of muddy kong he was a faggot cuban guy that was friends with my mother all those years in fact if you watch I don't know if they're gonna keep it the new this is not happening that's who I told the story about my thing and mighty gong was a fag that you didn't know was a fag he was a designer in the daytime he puts suits together fell in john we should have figured it out right there yeah I knew because they called him that my mom called him my thing and mighty gong but he sold really

good coke in the mid 70s he had a connection to like the best coke that was coming in so my mom kept them around the bar and he sold coke at the bar and one day when I was a kid there was a misunderstanding and this motherfucker pulled the gun on two gangsters no way so when you're growing up and they're calling this guy like I did I care about my thing and mighty gong he was always nice to me so my mom taught me to be polite to him but I didn't really give a fuck about my thing and mighty gong but the day he pulled out that 32 and he looked at those fucking gangsters and he said listen don't you ever call me a fucking martin the fag okay he goes the only way you call me martin the fag is if you suck my dick or I suck your dick and that ain't a habit and they're like

fucking like oh my god and my mom was like martin put the gun down because there was a game that my mom had at the bar you know that thing that you slide yeah with the salt on the board with the salt on the board yeah and it was in the line of gunfire what if these two guys decide to put a piece on our martin oh yeah but martin had the piece on the martin was had the upper hand he was close to them and he goes don't you ever call me faggot and my mom kept saying martin put the gun away you're in cocoa cocoa's here put the gun away martin and martin put the gun away and walked out like he held the gun because those dudes are gonna kill him yeah he ran out that fucking door but guess what the next day he knocked on my door and he goes listen your mom's mad at me

she doesn't want me at the bar but I'm over here to apologize to you and I go listen you got nothing to apologize to me you're my new fucking hero take your dick out I was ready something to take that was my dog and he used to tell me stories though I'm gonna get I'm gonna get goosebumps because I really feel bad about this he became sort of a hero to me because he was already in the music scene he was a Spanish dude dog an old school Spanish dude that was clean he was probably clean he was telling me about the police this band called the police watched the police bro that's the he was telling me this is 75 and 76 or 77 like a year or two before he was telling me about the Ramones he was at CBGB so at night he would go into the city and slain

coke and you'd see him once a week with a black eye he took the beating for these fags today he was one of those fags that took beatings people through rocks and then people mugged them they took his coke away but that motherfucker kept coming he finally got a piece and he became somebody that's real so when my mom died I put my saints over there my santeria stuff and I was supposed to go over there once a week and visit and one day I'm over there and in a box I see a baggie George Perez I opened that fucking box up that shit's filled with coke I took a couple grams it was my friends were like dog this is the best shit we've ever done like I'm telling you Martin the fag was known all up and down these coasts because he was getting

shit from Bogota and directing it so yeah uncut good what do you think I did I broke into his house and took his shit and left my box there oh wow this motherfucker we tell him how bad of a fag this guy was he knew I because my mom just died so I would always go to a tombstone he started leaving notes to me at the tombstone I'm gonna fucking break your head oh wow at the tombstone he was checking me out at the tombstone like we're gonna go to war and then one day I bumped into my step then he's like dog I went to bring flowers the other day to your mom what's going on with Martin he would sign the notes Martin would sign the notes bro sincerely Martin Martin the El Faggo Martin El Faggo he signed the fucking notes but they never knew about it upstairs I never told

them I'm gonna have to tell them now because Denise is gonna listen to this and hear this fucking story right but that was weird that she was there last night and Jackie called me yesterday said my daughter's gonna be up in San Diego that's how old I'm getting those wow was that your first time you ever met a drug dealer no my mother's bar okay no I just knew I just made believe like I at that age they would do bumps in front of me I'd be in my mom's office like playing with a model like a fag and my mom would come in with Martin or another chick and they'd be discussing and I could hear my mom going no no no he's okay all of a sudden they'd be they'd be doing lines and I'd fucking give them like a dirty look and they know to get the fuck out of it yeah

you know I didn't like that shit if you ain't giving me any get the fuck I was eight I don't want to know that fucking poison they were doing those cocksuckers yeah what kind of toys did you grow up with that were your favorite you know like our age was like GI Joes and transformers and video games dog I was a big GI Joe fan big GI Joe original GI Joes and with the kung fu grip yeah I was such a GI Joe fan those were like the Barbie doll versions where you could actually put clothes on them and like listen to me I had cousins that were girls and I would go down in the summers and they had the Barbie doll house which fucked up the GI Joe house like the Barbie doll house had a pool and a garage and you could suntan and a shower and shit you were jealous of the

one day I fucking went home and I figured out fuck this GI Joe thing I'm going to the toy store and I'm buying a Barbie doll house and I'm buying a Barbie doll so Barbie could fuck GI Joe and GI Joe could live in her crib I must have been about nine I walked down that hill with that fucking Barbie doll in that bag and people were like what's in the bag GI Joe I went home I built that fucking Barbie doll house in the garage with fucking how big was it it was one it was a box first of all it was a box and it came with a hinge and you turn the hinge around and you opened it and it was like four different stages and it had furniture that I could set up outside like Barbie by the pool Barbie in the dining area Barbie's bedroom and this what color was everything

you know it purple and pink what the fuck you think it is you know purple and fucking pink that's what it was how did you explain this to GI Joe's friend I just GI Joe there was a white GI Joe and a black GI Joe okay I don't have to explain nothing and they both had a kung fu grip and they both had the fucked up Cuban beard it was fucked up at that age I didn't like it and they had weapons and shit so I used to have like parties in my head I had GI Joe come over and play with Barbie and talk to Barbie like how are you and my mom found and I got home from school and everybody was sitting there there had men sitting there and my mom was like talk to these guys please they gonna talk to ask you some questions are you a fact no I'm not a fact then why would you buy that

I'm like listen GI Joe is bored okay you know when you're an only child oh you go to other places I keep telling my wife can you get rid of that bed in the fucking big Mercy's room and buy a tent and she keeps telling me I see they're gonna like a tent ask I she don't fucking know so today we went to a kids party what do you think they had a tent guess who was the first motherfucking little bitch in there and guess who was the last bitch to come out of there she took a book in there she took a doll and something and I was watching and after about an hour I go Terry come here look yeah when you're an only child you go to places and you and it's very hard to explain to people if you're not an only child I had my own bedroom I had a closet in the attic that was huge and I had a foot thing

that you could put your shoes I cut the fucking carpet off took it off and unscrewed that and had like a secret compartment and I figured out that if I cut the side stalk I was a fucking creative kid I could go in there because when I was growing up when I came from Cuba the big thing was not earthquake shelters but in case somebody dropped a bomb air raid not every basement the basement okay that every building had a sign with like a thing and it had danger and you went down there and white people would put tomatoes and tang and shit like a motherfucker I love tang by the way that's my shit tang with vodka you're fucked up at six in the morning at somebody's house you know you're depleted you got no sperm you're all out of coke and all of a sudden you find tang

you make an orange juice drink with fucking a vodka drink with tang and some ice cubes and a lemon yeah we used to do tang with thunderbird tang it's thunderbird thunderbird's like a moon spawn for Puerto Ricans yeah yeah yeah strawberry field I have a tent still and I hate to admit this that occasionally I put the tent in my backyard and act like I'm camping yeah it's a fucking blast why not it's a blast it is when you're a child sometimes you're just going to the tent and put I'm guaranteed I'll find the sleep in that fucking tent more than eight times so that's what I did I love all that shit you know I used to take the chair and put the blanket from the bed and crawl under my own

little fucking Jupiter it's such a good idea I never thought of that why don't you just put the mattress inside the the tent for a kid and so they have like a you know a mattress and a tent so you know you could just get a big tent put in the room put the mattress the whole thing in there don't have a problem with those tents they're flammable right well you could probably get one that's not I would imagine yeah and what does your daughter have that's yeah I think yeah I mean Joey B is his daughter so he probably has guns knives and firecrackers and some things that with gay stressors sells ladders at the daycare no daycares cool man the little kids there's two little Hindu twins the girls the they're all

little boys man that she's friends her best friend is a black deaf kid with the things on his head uh-huh Xavier and I talked to the parents I talked to him he when I come in I look at him he looks him and I just put my hand out he walks over and just knuckle me and runs away so it's cool that's cool shit you know they don't they don't fucking know kids don't judge have you ever I forget the name of it but it's like a personality test it's like a big personality test that's like the usual relationships and I just took it the other night and it was weird how like how red it was but no why would you take a personality test why not no no I want to hear the whole fucking story Paula said do you want to do you follow I'm saying to you yeah and I said

yeah why would you want to take a personality test why not listen you want to test your personality yeah get it get an asian's credit card okay and try to buy records that's where your personality what do I get an asian's credit card I don't know you fucking follow a Filipino hit him in the head with a stick and make sure his name is Mingyao and then you take that card and go buy a magazine if you could pull it off I can't you got my personality you're gonna waste your time with a test who judges this test it's an algorithm it's dead all right so it's a stupid test that you take when you're applying to like a job um all right so what they tell you personally no no but the question I have is like can you is she like an

introvert extrovert because like it when you were saying 10 all I could think of was like I'm an introvert and like I would like love that so like can you tell that already I like three years old what it's like her personality like introverted extroverted like I can't tell what's that what kind of questions were on this test yeah I don't know like stupid like do you agree like mostly logic is better than acting like like it would be better that no one got hurt or you're right it's like stupid things like that I don't know it took a long ass time it was boring but it was it was cool like it's crazy how we're all the same but then we all have like there's four people here but we're all extremely different like why aren't we all the same because that would be a bad

fucking joke if god did that to us because then we all like the same shit no that would be boring also it's where we grew up you know what we liked and what we were able to see how many fingers were put inside of us with by who thankfully my numbers world I never thought of taking a personality test like I'm I never thought of doing anything like that because I'm scared it was really crazy you don't want the results you don't want somebody saying to you I took one of those when I got out of jail they made me take one of those you know when like a psychiatrist made me take to see if I was like insane or like angry or something and I remember the questions were so like trick questions like yeah that I was like almost afraid

to answer because I was like what are they trying to do to me so and but it was just weird how it like it called me like the mediator like it's like I'm passive and I don't act out and it was just I was I was pretty high when I was doing it but it was just it was just crazy to see and it's it's crazy how we're so like we're so different and and like how like I wish I could be like you're like when you're telling people when you're handing out the edibles I wish I had like that like conviction and like you can convince what's the saying like someone like sell a popsicle catch a popsicle to a woman with a white shirt and I like that's like it's the opposite of me but why like it's just crazy also you gave me acid in like 600 milligrams so I feel like I'm on acid

right now hey so on this personality test like say like are you turning this into like a shrink like no they have power to get you okay I think you're insane when when paul brought it up I was like is this like a relationship test where it's gonna say we're not compatible and then we're gonna have a fight but it wasn't it was just like each individual it was like check yourself bitch look you got a personality well yeah this is a good point like I always watch tv at night and when you watch tv after midnight you get different types of commercials you complain that the commercials are louder and I finally understood what the fuck you were talking they are stone to the guild it's illegal now but they're not asking me do you think that the commercial is not a

problem and I'm like I don't know what you're talking about leave me alone but they always have match.com and the other one yeah not christian mingle but the old guy sits next to the couple the old guy pops up if you say e-harmy and they say that you take a test to see if you're compatible with somebody else I wonder has anybody been on e-harmy let's all remember what men I don't give a fuck I met paul and okcupid okay so what kind of questions did they ask you I'm really curious because yeah well that like that stuff is stupid like it's like the same sort of questions like well I was saying when you reply to like a minimum wage job it's like do you agree that the customer is always right and they like they know you know what kind of answers you're they're looking for

okay so with but like okcupid what if I know it's like three years ago would you would you rather go you know what come up with the phone come up with the thing okay we're just fucking doing go do you want to do it okay keep it one okay yeah let's do an okaycupid one that's it I need to find a new girl yeah dude I loved online dating but I mean the girls that you've I mean how old are you now 40 I'm 38 you're 40 you're fucking 42 the girls that we've been with like after a while I knew what I could work with I got a call from a friend of mine the other day who's you're ready for this forget that okay I gotta I love my friend Jody I love it she's an old friend of mine you know when you have somebody crazy or you just can't let go you don't fuck on me don't do nothing

with them you don't even drink with them but when they call you you realize that no matter if you just finish fingering the cat you don't feel bad about yourself because she could top with you with a story that destroys you caused me last week she goes listen man I'm gonna buy it next week I'm flying out of Burbank you mind if I park and you give me a ride sure so I'm caught up yes I'm doing a thousand things I gotta stop and give her a ride first of all she was sober which was shocking to me sober as the day is long too in the afternoon animals fell off my chair addict talking to her into smoking she goes I can't wait to get up there I have a connecting flight in San Francisco gets to the bar gets to Burbank she got a two hour delay she's not going to the bar

and there's these five dudes at the bar they're drinking they have now this is the story I got at one in the morning last night they're at the bar they're drinking they're having a good time they all board the flight she's sitting in the front of the plane the five dudes is in the back of the plane she gets up during the flight to go to the bathroom when the guy grabs her pussy so she broke his nose she points in the face and broke his nose what the five dudes got arrested when the plane landed she got out and then they captured her and they grabbed her off the plane from Eugene from San Francisco to Eugene they questioned her she told them what happened they gave her a surgical service because her wrist broke her wrist shattered her son

she was just gonna get on a plane with a shattered wrist talk you were talking about the red devil here you understand we're not talking about some ordinary chick you got to go you got to go like this happens with her life oh my god this is every week oh every new year she fought with no two days ago she fought with Jimmy Kimmel she's a bartender at the will turn like it's just fucking craziness I'm sitting there last night watching nothing you know when you get home from doing comedy you don't want nothing to be on like when you're sober you smoke a number I don't send the phone race I'm like I got like three calls last night everyone went crazy in the other one so she's like I'm in the hotel San Francisco I had to pay a buck 80 because they put me on a

flight tomorrow at 745 so I gotta be there at 6 30 blah blah blah but she punched the motherfucker broke his nose broke her wrist because she's tiny you know she's single sounds like one of the girls I would date oh yeah you and her would make a beautiful couple she was you could listen but she used to be the queen of our compadre she was right oh perfect exactly you could walk that building when you're walking about something how compadre there's parking there's a daycare a russian daycare and there's a building that building that's she's the landlord in that building and if you go around the front and go with jody more than likely she'll go who is it and you go upstairs you should be drinking wine with an ice cube in it at three in the morning because I talked

to her at night I always talk to her like I'm sitting there she'll call late night what the fuck or early it's just people who're fucking crazy Lee Lee you're tripping aren't you no he's not tripping that's a half a hit that's just gonna get him ready for this weekend that's crazy because once you do the grand opening I got the liquid acid we're dropping on sugar cube how's that difference oh that's when you see shit no strict night bro horses oh yeah you'll see little horses and shit it's great the bad thing about the liquid though is I used to sell it long time ago and you have this look vile and then you just take out a sugar cube you're like you know five bucks and you'd like do one drip one time I like did it and it's just like a bunch came on it and I

was like shit you're not doing my dropper you got him crazy no you're not I'm doing my own dropper oh my god I was doing it with a girl and I was like I can't get her that one I put them in his eyeballs yeah yeah I put them in my eyeballs I always wondered if that could ever do any my friend used to do it and I don't think people getting crazy when I was growing up I got crazy even crazier people you know I was someone then my fucking eyeballs bro yeah you you know somebody puts acid in your eyeball you got an eyepatch you got a fucking you can't get a job as a driver yeah right you can't even fuck with uber is the acid nowadays still lasts like 11 hours or so is it not strong this stuff for us to fly we have to take two hits a piece speak for yourself listen

no that you didn't see you were home at two in the morning last time you fell asleep at five it wasn't you didn't see nothing you giggled with Ari stuff went around no what am I supposed to see if you would have called me and said joey that was fucked up last night the devil pulled up a chair and told me a fucking sat me aside why does it have to be that why can't just that's what you do it for oh my god you want to see the walls turned into water and like in your hands just melting off your no that's the exact thing I don't want to have and then you get in the bathroom and you look at yourself in the mirror and you'll freak the fuck out you'll see your mom your sister your brothers inside your own face your face will open up and wait man what happens to us

what happens to us Jesus Christ like I'm gonna go to this concert I decided I'm gonna see Sabbath at the Hollywood Bowl September 19th the last show like like the second to the last show on the tour where they're fucking rocking like they're tight the Hollywood Bowl is small in September it's a Monday night Monday nights were always the best night to see a concert don't ever let nobody tell you any different yeah Monday nights if I go back in history all the good concerts I went to Monday nights something about Monday people go you know what I ain't drinking this weekend and they go fucking crazy on Monday night so I went online to look at the tickets those tickets that I want to fucking expensive I didn't want like close I know exactly what I need what I could hear

mm-hmm so I'm gonna put away like 25 bucks from each road gig I do and I'm gonna buy the tickets I'm gonna go and I'm gonna get fucked up I think I'm gonna get one ticket and just go by myself and take my chances it's been years since I did something like that taking uber I jump out I'm not gonna walk up out fucking uber the whole thing yeah uber that's the way to do it I'm not gonna walk up and down the Hollywood Bowl hill I'm out of shape track I tell you I love uber how much has that changed you know I don't get on them I'm scared oh really I have it on my phone but I'm still petrified why I don't know I hear all these stories what about Austin there they lift uber's competitor has a self-driving fleet in Austin now are you serious if it's not live it's about to be

live yeah it's doesn't I even think they were allowed I'm not doing that I don't want to listen I'm so excited for self-driving cars before self-driving car take an Asian with one eye yeah before I take I don't give a fuck Jack I ain't doing that shit I don't trust that shit at all fuck you somebody's got a man that fucking I know oh Joe you're an asshole people log into computers and pilots don't even fly the planes but there's still somebody sitting there yeah there's still somebody sitting there that means the world to me I don't want to fly with just some headless fucking horsemen and I'm in a light and all of a sudden the fucking design goes off and next thing I'm in Bulgaria you know I'm going off a fucking cliff because I want to be cool and drive with a fucking

I have a self fucking driving car I don't give a fuck you give me an Arab wasn't taking a shower in two weeks and I'll still drive around with him instead of fucking no disrespect to the Arab people but wherever that is in New York your mother fuckers got some kicks to you they get the cab in New York dog you get out of the cab with a headache you get out of the fucking cab with a headache dog I don't know what nation they're from you know they just got kicked those motherfuckers Greyhounds like that too sometimes you get the old bus oh fuck it stinks people are asleep listen when you go on Greyhound your expectations always have to be low like if you get on a Greyhound and go oh this is going to be a positive experience there's going to be drama

there is going to be drama at some point of the bus ride I could always do like the longest I did was New York City of Dallas because it was an express and it was like 22 hours or something anything 24 and under anybody in this room could do with their eyes closed with an ipod a book a couple dollars maybe an edible a bus is not fucking bad guys I'm telling you I used to love it from Boston to New York yeah that's a good bus that's a great bus that's 25 I used to you know I used to do it there's some buses guys you can't be you're on the road you know one and oh but yeah you really want an x they want 62 this bus is 18 and what are you getting to the airport to do anyway hop on the bus yeah you know it's crazy the buses in Mexico I remember when I was little we

used to go to tj and that bus is a whole different bus talk to me about that I heard I would never listen guys I went to El Paso on the bus 20 times in four you fucking years I was the king of that route but there was a bus for seven dollars with Mexicans that had like a two-tier did they really sell food on the bus Spanish television is on Telemundo yeah guys I was always a little bit too scared to go on that bus that bus was just a little too real for Uncle Joey yeah well like I heard like the bus in Mexico City like they pull out weapons on you on shit like the driver's in on it and if you look like you got anything yes it's gonna get took I'm like Mexico City yeah tj was tj's bus was like more of people that just asking you for money or selling you shit

like a frame made out of you know how to make frames out of potato chip bags like the Dorito bag because that's the aluminum but uh ah yeah it's toasty loco is good and free paolo always wants me to try it and it seems weird what toasty loco yeah it's like chips with like onions it's like and they do it in like a Fritos bag oh yeah that's real good yeah yes I still can't get used to the fruit with like the spicy chili on it that shit's good that shit's good up here oh my god you know where who has it the best the guy in front of target unvictory yeah and violent you got fresh fruit huh oh that motherfucker did it that's who turned me on to it yeah and they put lime juice in it too and juice and shit I told him not to put the white shit in there just put the mango the coconut

it's like the apple it's like Mexican kosher salt no no no no the I got there something there's a white this oh hamaika hamaika the fuck you give me everything else double up on the oranges and the grapefruit sprinkle some of that shit on it the brown sauce with the lime juice lisa at it's all the oh shit I don't know me oh shit you have no fucking idea my friend it's not gross but it's like weird so no no no it's weird and then there's lime and then there's chili it's like did you taste it yeah fuck yeah and you didn't like it tell him to lighten on the chili next time and give it another shot one more shot because I love you there's no place left to go you know what I'm saying it is pretty cool just try the limit on salt as he was cool he gave me rain and I

was the I kept my distance burning up down one more shot because I love you this is what happens when you eat three stars you feel the star George I fucking feel the star like the tattoo you gotta eat one with this red man it's sunday night what the fuck are you here yeah you're going to be you want to hang tonight it's all over look at you it's the beginning of the end for you tonight I just feel like that I don't have anything in my body so I'm just gonna that's all you needed water and coffee you're fucking in training that's why I told people you're in training for what they never answered for listen he's been in training since I met him every every six months he gets a he gets a tidbit or something he runs a few stairs but he's always

in training he's not six nights a week mixing it up drinking doing something this kid lives it up yeah he lives it up honest to god all the way he really does I gotta give him credit any fucking comedy guy he's got a cocktail he's having a good time what are you gonna do I wish I had those balls but I don't have those balls even when I was his age I took a coke rock and ran home like a little fucking girl towards the end that's all I did I take my coke and run bro run home hell yeah the privacy of your own home if a naked woman was running like help help fuck you I just fuck you if anything I felt anything was gonna distract me getting home I didn't fall for anything nothing nothing I stopped at every red light nothing the only stop I made was at fucking 7-11

they got two packs of camel and one for free remember in the old days yeah get by two get one free and I would fucking wake up with no cigarettes yeah gotta hit those days I would fucking I got no reason to lie no I would fucking go home with a gram and a half dog and I'd wake up and that fucking room was a cloud and there was one cigarette left and if you gave me more time I dipped into my wife's cigarette she was talking about a couple months ago damn I'm waking up and every fucking cigarette was gone what were you doing it's constant thinking like the cigarettes like the coal like oh you get all evil and look out windows and people you think they can't see you but they see the your arms going from your back to your lips yeah you know my neighbors I think

they focus me like they have like a motion light that like and they put a flag by it so I keep thinking like hey are they fucking calling me because the light keeps the wind keeps moving and it's yeah I trip out it's crazy how at one point of the night the cocaine becomes up you know I describe it in stages like from for me from from 79 to 80 fucking three it was fun and then I started and then in 83 when I moved the fucking snowmass the first time I started getting creepy on it I started doing it in my house at night I'm watching tv and jerking off and usually you do that shit you go out and you went home with no coke now I would go out and then you made sure you had coke when you got home just to do two or three lines you go watch fucking

before vh1 USA USA ran Friday nights in the early 80s to like mid 85 USA you went home and turned USA on on Friday night there was Saturday night live and mad tv that came later signing out live has always been on but Friday nights in the old days if you were like a druggy type kid you went out and you went home and there was no taping it it started at nine and it went till six and there was the whole week of review and music you know they did art they did all this craziness they even show like girls and bikinis just to keep you at like 330 they played music videos so I got creepy I would watch that you know I started staying in more and then I said fucking I found something out that if you have coke people come home with you oh that's a different thing now you go up to a

chick at a bar and go you want to come over and watch a movie they'll go fuck you you creepy motherfucker but you give a chick a line of coke and show her a rock in that thing and go you want to come over and watch a movie I don't give a fuck christian mingle and okay cupid that always gets you in you walk into a bar in the 80s and go like this with a bindle and within minutes dog a chick will latch on to you what are you doing I'll come over let's come my friend come yeah sure bring her I got extra kwayloons for everybody that bitch will be passed on and out with what I'm slinging this did you ever do I remember a while back you showed me a bottle of was it kwayloons or something like that that did you ever do that I got one left yeah yeah I got one in case the fucking

russians come and drop a bomb on me I got something to fucking take before I you know I don't think those things worked yeah I think they were fugueses yeah all imagination because I took one in my living room one night and just sat there waiting for something to happen nothing happened I went to sleep I woke up I felt worse than what I did when I went to fucking sleep so you know I think it's like an asthma that they made into just like a meth kwayloon or whatever but but yeah that was the thing I went into stages and then by the time before like before I went to prison if I did blow there was a girl in my house and once the girl didn't show up I used to have this neighbor that was dating a dude but they didn't live together he worked nights at the newspaper

and all I had to do was knock on her door and go he wanted to do a line and next thing was she'd come in with the robe half on the tip hanging out and within two hours would be 69 and this shit I loved all that creepiness then I got locked up and then when I came out I started that creepy shit of staying in and just doing blow playing with your dollhouse and playing with G.I. Joe having G.I. Joe fucking weenie weenie up the ass heenie and shit where's Tony Bennett talks like Jesus fucking craziness the phases that you go with and shit just a little something give a little halftime here yeah I used to always keep a little below around my house just in case of like that'd be one of like man I want to be a crisis scared the fuck out of me

girl come back to my house got some Pepsi at home somebody breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart are you feeling it I think you are you got the giggle face I'm feeling something I could tell I'm feeling something cocksuckers and we killed all the stars look at that there's one left over here Lee we got chocolate for you fuck that Lee does this look different to you wait let me show them that's weird but no no all right I think I'm feeling something but I don't think it's gonna be that much you're feeling cocksuckers don't do one so when you go home he's got those things oh Jesus Christ right man I thought that looked like the song was skipping

look wait is this a CD almost oh no what's up buddy that's what I used to be the guy that would like fuck with my friends when we're chirping you know it'd be like terrible you know like I would talk and just like start like stuttering and they're like wait what'd you just say you know what you know what's really cool to do when you're tripping Lee is to get in a room and have just one lamp with like a light bulb in it and uh just turn off all the lights turn off all the lights right and you just sit there in this complete darkness for like I don't know like five minutes and then you just flip the light switch on real quick and then it'll burn an image into your eyes and then you can see like a ghost around

like we would look at each other and uh and just like look at each other's faces and then flip the light real quick and then I could see my friend's face just kind of still glowing there it's you and you want to stare into each other's eyes and do that with me because I don't know who I'm gonna do it with have you lost your fucking mind you don't want to stare at each other's eyes yeah I want to stare into your eyes like a fucking vampire and shit wait for you to suck my dick like some fucking homo fucking sapiens I'm shaking so Lee did you go on a lot of dates using okay Cupid or did yeah but they were I mean not a lot but like the few I went on were like see I I always look was a relationship person and I liked one night stands but that's it took me like I was a

chubby dude it took me a while to have sex so I didn't want to like just do it and like give up on that girl right because it was like I put in all that work you have a lot of one night stands no no I didn't have a lot of them but like a lot of I had a few before they were you uncomfortable okay this one this was probably the worst okay Cupid it was right by fucking okay you know we're getting done with hi is where they tape that yeah there's a dog grooming place nearby like around the corner I went on okay Cupid date but this is why I don't date Jewish girls she was just the stereotypical Jewish girl she took me there to pick up her dog which is a dog she got off of like from the desert in Arizona like she just found a dog it's the worst dog in the world

it like attacks you I was you brought a long story short she brought me back to her house was peeing with me in the shower and like in the in the toilet first date and we had it was like the worst sex I've ever had it was just terrible and then she was also I always had the girls who were like don't go down on me because I'm not gonna do that to you she's like the right off the back right off the back that's disgusting don't go down on me first off what gave you the fucking atrocity to think that a guy like me would eat your fucking head you got a desert dog what the fuck do you think you're dealing with here yeah but that was but yeah that was the worst one you don't have like a credit application type breakdown and ask them before you even take them

to dinner if they suck dick you do but you don't ask this you don't ask them out like how would you met me back then I was so I'm gonna ask somebody if they suck dick over the other like I wish I had those balls like hey you gonna suck my dick no oh my god oh my god hilarious I'd be embarrassed I maybe I should go through my old account those oh god there's been so embarrassing I never ever ever went like I didn't even I didn't know about the computer when the dating sites and all this shit like I couldn't imagine filling out a profile and then going on then going on dates with creepy people meeting them like a denny's and talking about shit oh that's a fucking nightmare hell no I was always horrible at that I was horrible at that stuff like having to court you

is that what it's called fuck you look at your single right you got nothing going on you're gonna choose company nine to five you make fucking twelve ones that we listen let's get together let's join forces what else you got to lose well I don't know my brother plays the harmonic I don't get before I got nothing to do with it I liked it because like I was always too scared to just go up to a girl in a bar yeah that's that was that would be way too much for me oh yeah I could maybe do I don't want to meet a girl at a bar anyway man that's it's that's what those are the worst relationships yeah but you know what that's where you get your like your game from your instinct oh yeah I have no game smoothness well that's where it's like

that's open mic in it right now you got to go to bars to get those bitches and then later you get them at the club so I believe in that I believe in going to a club meeting a girl and then going to that same bar Tuesday and she's there and you talk to her some more yeah and then maybe that night you go home with her and she's drunk and you both pass out you know I'm saying man you start now we already broke the fucking thing okay I slept in your bed now let's push this forward well we went too fast take me to the movies all right you take them to the movies you take them to dinner you swap split the car you rip their bra and you're back at the house that's it the elephant inside the room you're fucking mm-hmm now you get this fucking lie go that's it that eliminated

the lies but those three dates until I fuck you do you like really you like Gwen Stefani oh my god I can't wait to see what she names her baby get the fuck out of here there ain't no guy in the world unless the only one Gwen Stefani suck I dick we don't give a fuck about the baby who she date and what kids but when we're in the beginning stages we sit there and yeah I'll do that I ain't doing that no more I'll pick your kid after you blow me and I suck your pussy that's it we're on normal terms there's no more flowers there's no more open doors there's no more nothing if I'm watching it you're watching it what's on that's good that's good that's great you gotta know you bring a tv with you because this is what we're watching this motherfucker right here

I got another tv you got an antenna got some aluminum foil once you suck my dick it's over yeah once I eat your once listen once I eat your ass and put three fingers in there you moan that's it the conversation is done there's no more argument this is what we're doing right or wrong yeah I'm going home to do laundry take mine hold on one second let me give you a bag what are you talking about oh I just exceeding your ass that's commitment I'll get the sails next week for the sales I got the pet remember when you went to sales for that first dicky bitch you guys each met and you went to sale and put that shit on a payment plan how fucked up were you

when I got married dog she fucking went and got the wedding wings on like 36 dollars a month I remember her coming home going we paying off the wedding wings me when I got 10,000 in cash upstairs in coke money she don't know nothing about and I'm like this fucking momo I could have just bought the fucking rings 36 dollars now my fucking credit as we paid them off but we paid like for $1800 that they weren't even worth that when you go to sales yeah you're paying a thousand over book for that shit that shit's hollow as fuck that shit's hollow as fuck those are smugglers rings you can fucking put coke in there like an ounce and go what how can I fit an ounce of coke into this fucking ring that empty shit from zales with that fucking the blood diamond that's what

that's what a blood diamond is right black people dying shit like that now how do I get a diamond that nobody dies you can get you could get the ones the fake ones that look like even the the jewelers can't bro the cubans the conians I've been selling those shit since 83 motherfucker I'm gonna drop 1100 when I could drop 3250 at Kmart right and they got top ones at Kmart those motherfucking cubans the conians at Kmart why are you buying rings at Kmart because you don't know when you're gonna get pussied that's the last closure that's not proposed to a girl to get saved four in the morning a good blow job when you're coped up you rip out a ring shit happens jack try it what would they say listen what are they gonna say they they're fucked up you're

fucked up don't worry we're gonna Mexico tomorrow it's official was it like a wedding looking ring or oh fuck yeah oh shit oh fuck yeah there's so good nowadays that the the jewelers really can't tell the difference between a diamond and these like these new kind of like fake diamonds I don't know if it's cuban or whatever cuban cuban cuban zaconians those are the best fiddles most putting those into the economy since fucking 1978 and he's been bumping those into the economy yeah Lee you learn something new every fucking podcast that's so good in the 80s when people were doing blow that's what you were giving out zaconians like a motherfucker Lee do you eat butt do you eat ass do you no he's never you know that's gross I think it's something you kind of get

older you start doing I mean I never really did no by 27 I was already like in shock that I had eaten somebody's ass by 27 I was walking around like I can't be doing blow at women yeah because that's a different thing the same thing when you just fuck bitches in high school and like in college and you just fuck women that's one thing but once you add cocaine to the mix it's George tell him how good that pussy is yeah I mean I was crazy it gets crazy yeah I already had a kid at 18 I already had a kid at 18 and like you know we're living together so I was eating ass every it was weird man it was gonna blow with it fuck yeah and you work it like you get dirty and shit fucking put your hand in that pussy and they start sweating and the titties get sweating and they start drinking

from that fucking cock and you hit them with the car oh it's disgusting shit when you get coked up but I love it there's a chicken there's a chicken face book I got a evil with the night that Doug flew you through that touchdown I went and ripped this girl out of fucking love his house dog with like an ounce of boys and look you're sitting with this guy with a robot look what I'm throwing over here she goes make me in the bottom of the corner in five minutes and then she's like I'm like what are you gonna take those pants off I'm gonna forget she's like you have to guess the color of my underwear I go red she goes close enough and it was like we ate ass and god I pulled the hair pissed on her it was on dog you're fucking with no condoms in the ass and the pussy

you're sweating you stop to do some lines and shit and you put coke in the pussy and eat it that's a wrap then you flip it over put a coke rock in her ass eat that then you stop and drink champagne then you put champagne on your cock and she sucked it some more then you watch a tv show for like an hour with a robot and she gives you a no there's no food involved she gives you an ear beating about a childhood she went to christian school and the nun tried the molester you sit there and inhale this ear beating and while she's telling you this perverted story that happened to her you're kind of getting turned on right or wrong wait a second the nun did what to you hold on one second fuck that put the heels back on holy it gets ugly and you start snorting

and now the sun's coming up and your dick starts getting small and you can't get a hard answer you read her ass then they get up to suck your dick for 20 minutes and they gotta stop and drink more champagne and do two more bumps then they suck your dick it is fucking disgusting but unbelievable at the same time yeah fucking disgusting you wake up the next morning you look at that person go wow i'll never look at you the same way and they'll never don't look at you the same way and go i broke you down last night you did disgusting things to me but like that's when you tell women you don't want get your dick don't stick it up my ass all you want what no i never did that but most guys do that shit don't make believe don't make believe you know when i'm gonna dress

up like a girl smack me with your heel grab the gi jose stick it in my ass feet first i can't handle the shoulders again this time oh my god fuck i don't like the ass shit at all man i the massage people always try to put their fingers in my ass and i'm just like stop i do not believe you still got a massage ball isn't this day and age no regular massage bars i'm not even talking about whack places there's no rock every place here sucks your dick that's what the city is known for i know why it sucks trying to get a regular massage though okay let me ask you a question so you walk in do they just go for it or do you

have to be like start like that i would be so nervous sitting in that chair i'd probably pass out well you're not in a chair you're in a bed uh and you could you're pretty much they just give you most places just give you a regular massage and then when you flip over they'll whisper in your ear like you know and then you're like yes and then uh but a lot of like isn't it like they ask you like hey do you want the extra uh they usually it change it's different you know a lot of times they'll just whisper in your ear like you want something but if you want something you could also like start rubbing like legs and stuff while she's massaging you and then she'll get the hint and then she'll just go right for it you know i want to go and then let's go fucking back but

here's let me give you the full size i have a friend dear friend of mine and one day we're talking about something completely different we got to talking about massages he told me that him and his jiu-jitsu buddies go to this certain place on rural canyon there and it's it's really like the chick is really she's old she's not very attractive the boyfriend's always there with a guy but she's really good for back and necks but then after a fucking few more bites of a fucking hot dog or whatever we were eating this guy went nuts and started telling me about that he's basically gone to every one of those that he has an asian fetish and then he goes and then he probably dropped like eight thousand dollars like in 2014 oh and then i go what so what do you do now because

i just don't go you know every once in a while i have this asian girl that i meet in the hotel in marina del rey and she's like 750 dollars but he goes he gets up for the whole night she's fucking a 10 you know she's 24 she's like americanized you know the whole thing but he basically told me this red man he goes i loved it he goes i got addicted to all those lankishing ones then he goes i started going into recede and deep into those other ones and all this he said he got a rash bro around his dick and his balls that is just like he has to keep going back to the doctor the doctor doesn't know what it is oh gross it's like a bacteria infection yeah like some bacteria thing i go when you eat them and anything goes no he goes but they suck

dick but he goes they're fours and he goes it's like the ones they pull out of jail and shit they tie him up and you can see that they beat him he said that he used to live at that one that the best blow job he ever got was the one down the block from the ha ha he goes there's a skinny girl there that sucks the best dick he's ever had in his life that your eyes crossing everything a hundred bucks i don't know what he was he was telling me talking about he was like he said he did this shit all the time he's a good looking dude but he dates like hollywood chicks but he wants to eat ass and tie him up and light him on fire and he goes they always run out of his apartment yeah i mean it i that website rub maps.com it's like yelp for massage parlors and i was

addicted to because i was trying to write a bit and that's how i start found out about it so i started reading all the reviews and i was like i've never gone to a massage what kind of reviews do people get read some reviews uh read me a read all right i'll get right find me a local one sure because he said he's like listen man he goes he went to one that they would do the switcheroo that the chick was chubby she just had a kid they're chinese they smell like they're eating kimchi and shit and he goes you can't really fuck them there's no satisfaction he goes you take the blowjob because you're there but he goes he got like a rash around his dick when he started fucking this one chick from the juice in her fucking little monk walk all right that's disgusting

yeah my friend gave me some cash i entered and paid $50 i got a room in the middle and waited for at least three minutes and came in and i thought she was asian she went on uh a little and i found out that she was actually speaking spanish i believe she was cuban i felt like asking her out on a date she was so pretty but i probably when i got got uh rejected anyways i got full service for from her for $120 i wasn't disappointed she was a hot body probably a nine or a ten in la looks she gave me a blowjob while i stood up then i pounded her doggie style for a good while after we chatted for a bit i i left this place is how are you proud of her at all huh who writes reviews yeah oh dude look i mean this this one place that i'm there's about 200 reviews oh my god

that's straight snitching damn you're in love now what place is this uh we'll talk off that this is the place that was telling you about that's uh connected to a weed place and it's owned by the same guy so you pretty much it's either brazilians or cubans next door all massages and then when you're done you just go to the weed shop next door it's like the perfect place wow so i've been told but it i mean but when i did when i started like really getting into it and figuring out like i i went and got a hand job like and i was like it was the most nerve-wracking thing ever lea disgusting so it's disgusting someone who's gonna give a hand job is grabbing my weed huh that's no no no it's two different places it's connected it's not like but uh then i then and after i got

i first did it it kind of was like oh i could see getting addicted to this can you finish like like i would imagine i would be too nervous well tell you what man the the person that i got it from she was from vietnam and she was a little bit older she was like 40 years old and she uh she did things where she would blow on it and then like do like like street fighter moves you know the hella ruka or whatever the fireball thing like like but like doing stuff for the ass and what they do they have techniques for just hand jobs that would blow your mind you would think that there's three people sucking on your dick but it's just her in her hands and blowing on your dick oh it's crazy and how much do they charge for that well usually you know 40 for a half hour 50

dollars for an hour massage and then if you get a hand job it's usually 40 tip is what is common that's all yeah blow jobs 80 and then 120 for sex 40 for a hand job only a hundred and i don't want a fucking hand job do you understand me i would never want a fucking hand job ever in my life ever i got over a hand job when maybe i was 16 or 17 something like even when girls when you date them they start have given you a hand job pre-suck listen knock it off for a blow job there's no opener that motherfucker shows up like a true headliner so low you know i'm saying he's like john levin he shows up with a flute and a fucking chinese woman he don't give a fuck jack i mean you know i hated all that shit i was in guys i don't know man when i realized i was fucking inadequate

sexually like as a young guy like it just did not work for me like fucking a hooker just did not work for me i wanted it to be something else and then that put me into shock so i always come quick so when i'm with a regular chick i like unless i'm breathing and i focus in the beginning it's a horror show so it's not like i'm gonna pay somebody to have a fucking horror show so i was always very naive to that world i had friends that would tell me where they go or that you know there's a chick or something but i was in michigan i was a feature act and i would drive and my shoulder would hurt and i saw a massage and i went in there and some fucking chick answered that was very americanized chinese woman pretty hot i didn't catch it guys

i mean who the fuck knows what part of michigan i mean and she's talking to me and i go what do you guys do and i'm rubbing my shoulder you know and i'm thinking and all of a sudden she goes going to this room 40 the house boom within two minutes this little penguin looking bitch comes in and she's like you take off clothes take off clothes now i'm like why don't i have to take off my fucking clothes and i looked and there was no like chair there was no it was just a bed like on stilts and she's like take off clothes and i go why she goes uh $35 hand job 50 blow job and i'm like whoa get back to this fucking hand job like i was in shock like this ain't happening but you want dirty finalists to give somebody a fucking hand job and then do what well the good thing about

hand jobs is at least there's no condom because you're like on the blow jobs in the sex supposedly they were condoms uh so it's like what getting a blow job with a condom on why would you pay for that you know the same people work at your poultry they're the same people would give you a hand job okay that meat isn't bacterial lace because mcdonald's gives it to him that way i think your poultry is just hiring people who give fucking hand jobs by fucking time that's why everybody's getting sick you drink that hand job juice let me tell you something dawg i don't want nobody touching my dick with their hands let me let me tell you let me tell you how fucking crazy i am let me tell you how crazy i am when i get home at night okay i'm a fat fuck so when i run up the

stairs i always forget to piss i'm 52 i gotta pee every 15 20 minutes sometimes i get in the car and i leave the county store so fast i'm like i should have fucking pissed then i go to laurel canyon and i get them by the time i get home i gotta fucking pee i run up the fucking stairs i run through the door guys before i take my dick out the first thing i do is i hit the hot water and i let the hot water get hot and i put not the regular house soap that my wife uses but the hand job dick soap touching people's hands at the comedy store hanging out opening up the door at the 7-11 you ever touch the 7-11 you get mogaria under your fucking fingernails you look like my big toe you have to i boil my hands before i i no matter how bad i gotta pee sometimes i even feel the

pee dripping out of my dick i boil my hand i boil the fingertips and i take my dick out with the fingertip i pull the skin back and i sit there and once i pee i wash my hands when you're out you gotta do this shit guys you gotta do this shit you go to you gotta assume that guy that walked out didn't wash his hand and just grabbed that fucking handrail you have to assume this shit you have to when i fly i fly with those towels now you got terrorists breathing that's bad enough some guy breathing a bowline your fucking tabletop and you're eating your fucking freed dried peanut from the airline no you're not gonna get fucking sick so it's the same fucking thing you gotta boil your hands before you touch your dick dog when i would date a girl for after i

fly three months ago can i talk to you in private you think i'm kidding i go give me a favorite dog when you piss sick correctly and fucking wipe the toilet because i want to eat your monkey i don't want to get germs in my mouth that's how much a fanatic i was at 22 about eating pussy i've seen these women piss they piss anywhere like animals i gotta eat that yeah i gotta eat that fucking monkey you're pissing on a fucking men's toilet with your pussy out like that like you gotta fucking put something there you don't want those germs in the toilet a pubic hair touches your fucking pussy that's sex that's sex you cheated on me you dirty bitch even the csi comes over when they find a pussy hair a dick hair from fucking him and your fucking dick sometimes i'm

shitting all right sometimes you're shitting you know you're hanging so long it falls out of the follicle and you see it later on like you come back and go who whose long hair is that floating in the fucking toilet well that's mine that fucking white hair that comes off your nutsack when you get old you know you have the other all the what do they add for all the shampoos yeah like they all have ads about you know the not dandruff so your hair tips split ends well you have split ends on your dick they just fall off there's no dand there's no shampoo to save the split ends on your dick you gotta shave them and start from scratch but how many guys have walked and you never see a big fucking pubic hair right in between let's say this

is the toilet seat the toilet seat always has that fucking gap there right there there's always a toilet there because if you're a regular guy you take your dick out of that when you take it out of hair falls out and it's always right there floating right there so you're gonna go pee i want your first award and i don't want you to wipe it off because then the sides of your hand might get the fucking thing between the toilets don't even touch it mind your business just take toilet paper put it down then sit down and put a pick up an extra inch above your pussy you like going to yoga that's yoga don't let your pussy hit the toilet mostly pick that motherfucker up like that and pee like a horse and then come back to me like eat your pussy with confidence that's all you want to

do i don't ask for much at least that white front to back i don't like that poop pussy you know listen i'll take it marinated either way cajun or american you know the joke you got a little poop in it that you just wipe that shit off with the antibacterial and you eat that motherfucker it smells like windex for two minutes and that's it i hate i hate when it's too clean sometimes it's that soap pussy where you're just like god i can taste dumb you know i know what what's so well you gotta open it up you gotta fucking stretch it out and put that hand in there and also you hear noises like like the bottom of a cape like you hear that it's Sunday night cucks up this mbc sports has what family knife fuck this this is fucking the what do we call this the round table

tonight what gives a fuck what's crack i like and i hate it so it's crack we still got an edible left ladies and gentlemen a punch 200 milligram milk chocolate you know if you eat chocolate it's good for the heart judge for us yeah but edibles is too dangerous judge prayers you're looking dark tonight you're looking dark i've been cleaning the yard this this fucking this edible gave you johnny sanchez a little bag he's dark i go let me tell you something man i go back with george Perez a long fucking time it's crazy where'd you guys first meet some fucking mexican comedy room yeah it was an orange county it was uh red peppers it was weird and you know what's crazy like we're out of that loop all these rooms still exist there's little guys that have rooms every fucking

night those little mexican kids have those rooms i ain't mad at them that's why i cut my fucking chops you know i didn't go up at the store till 12 15 a which is really 1 a.m so you had to do something what are you gonna do sit in your house you go crazy so i would call Felipe you know a jeff garcia i mean there was 20 of these kids fly had the castle of tina and they had food there if you got there earlier had a buffet oh shit oh shit they had like the leftover buffet like the older tacos i didn't give a fuck no they're still good look good that's how we met man when when martin merino had a room and wittier and it's it was fucking crazy you would go out at night do comedy three nights we look at this fucking good look look at him he's fucked up right leah eat some

chocolate i'll bring you back you can eat eat some chocolate you crazy do you see any visuals yet leah no he don't see dick he's i didn't give him enough next time the grand opening of the new office reason how deep but in deep out of respect for fucking MLK tomorrow's mom lose the fucking banks are closed oh it's an official holiday you guys could go up with the comedy stores will be bumping tonight oh it's true every comedy club should be busy tonight yeah every like it's a good night to do comedy man what's with the silence guys what's with what does i say something wrong here cocksuckers no it's a good night to come no what's what's the purpose of the show i know i feel you i'm i'm having a great time the purpose of the show was to come on a sunday night and get high

and uh cheer the chat a little bit i just like you knew i've done a lot of coke and i for some reason i can't feel like my little forehead by my nose you know that little forehead yeah in real life right right now i can't feel this right here i feel like if i'm an ornament oh man is that happening that's going to happen to me now no i don't know i don't do coke and my fucking thing is hurting me my third eye is sore your third eye is sore that's what your third eye is when you meditate right and like you do the condolences you have to look straight up at your third eye i thought you were talking about your brown eye no and hopefully you want to hold the brown eye leave gi joe alone leave gi joe alone cocksucker bro my mother was pissed when she found that

fucking woman's house when she found the barbie yeah she was pissed did did did she make you throw it away or did you talk like a look it was like a serious no no i was my mom's biggest fear because she felt that she had raised me around too many women that's how i was raised so she kept thinking i got a tough in this kid up so every opportunity she had and now she catches me with a fucking dollars in the basement you know something right here and then i'm but me i was looking at it as just i could lie to everybody and say i was like having them fuck i wasn't i just was having them like live like army guys going to regular chicks house watching tv and shit like white people should do i don't know why you told your mom that would you like you keep it no no but it was like a fantasy

mind i was acting out you know he asked me what type you know what i i'll tell you what intrigued me when i was a child with models oh really you know why because i could do it by yourself i liked anything i could do by myself i was never good like monopoly i always quit after i got bought walk empire once i got the two blue ones i don't want to buy the hotels when he's a hotel i got the problem you know what i'm saying like i never like i like battleship yes that was my one of my favorites that's my favorite i like the guy with it you electrocute yourself operation operation i got a risk please don't spill the beans until i put the bean in my ear and i forgot about it christmas eve and i took it out like in may

after my mom kept putting hot oil in there and saying son i can't eat through rana we get to the hospital there's a bean in my ear she just started smacking me right the doctor's over you son of a bitch i thought you had a tumor in your fucking ears a fucking bean the whole time what game did you say risk yeah risk isn't that well that really complicated hard one yeah it's like well you got to take over territories yeah i never did that yeah we had it but it seemed to hard i like anything that you i i even thought about it my vision was a little better i go buy a model i'd start with like uh like an avengers or something like that something in the simple note something that a guy'd be standing and they have the little stand then you have to come back

and paint it that's what i liked when i was a kid you know what's cool you might get into is uh legos are really intense now like you you'll you'll buy like a kit and it's almost like putting together a puzzle uh like you'll be like all right you have to make the death star from star wars you know and it's just you're trying to figure which part goes together so you can build this picture of it so it's kind of like puzzle mixed with part here's the problem i need a distraction like right now like i need you know what i'm saying right right right i wish i could go collect comic books all over again or collect stamps and get bugs from other countries and shit like that but it was poor bastard look at these falling asleep behind the wheel he's the captain character the enterprise i don't know

how you you do this lee you're a tough cookie man i could not party like you uh and johan tell us i mean do you like do you like spend like days just sleeping in between podcasts no he doesn't let me find you get through oh that's right you're doing you're doing kettlebells yeah how's that going along i like kettlebells a lot you know he sees really cool jiu jitsu it's growing on me you're working out the red band yeah i'm not doing you're doing jiu jitsu yeah do you like it or is that like rolling around with other guys kind of no that's not the problem it's super hard it's just like it's i'd rather just be on the elliptical watching a movie again but

that's better than jiu jitsu yeah i'll just periscope and read up people making fun of me the whole time you know if i have to talk to him and i talked to diagostino and i talked to a lot of young kids at the club and you ask them how old they you know and you get to like them and you ask them question i know george peres for sure i don't know about you brian i know george peres for sure you were raised on the streets yeah i'm not talking about the streets i'm not talking about people throwing arrows at you i'm talking about i'm talking about getting up at nine in the morning and playing stickball and playing two hand touch all day so you're the queer i'm talking about a simple kid's life i don't know if anybody has that have anybody had that in this room yeah i did

and i'm talking pre drugs pre any of that nonsense really when you went to the movies together with six kids and you you went to you know a sporting event or you went and bought an album with six kids but the whole thing was you were outside breathing and getting air and and doing something you know i learned how to play outside even yeah towards the end you took bricks and you put leaves around them and you put them in the middle of the street and the car would hit it and you run away you know you know you learn how to be machivist but that's part of the american way everybody growing up expected for their window to be all broken in a in a suburbia what are you talking about you know you threw a rock you outside playing baseball in front of your house your mom comes on

goes brian please not in front of the house the windows and you're like mom i'm not even hitting over there guess what next pitch but bam there goes your fucking window now you got to work it off you got to go more the long for 18 weeks pick up the glass that's what i'm talking about that used to happen in america where people broke your fucking window playing baseball kid or you know something that you could walk you go on the streets you don't see this no more it destroys my insights because that's your basic instinct now you have to put your child in a special after school program to be around other kids just to learn what you're supposed to really learn on the natural you shouldn't have to learn this in an after school program how to mingle when i go down

i you know i drive down cofax and i see those kids from north hollywood high and those kids look like little thugs but guess what north hollywood high is rated one of the highest high schools in the country for fucking programs and i mean it's fucking amazing but the kids are out there's a donut shop it's like arnold's you know they have a place they have a they have yummy um donuts then they have a cheeseburger place going that cheeseburger place at three o'clock i day taking out we got a fucking hamburger it's a bunch of kids in there the kids sneak around they smoke cigarettes they got a little semblance there where we hang out and get coffee there's a couple of young kids that hang out there and get coffee and they smoke cigarettes but for a

meantime these fucking streets are bare guys they're fucking bare there's no more kids out there do you think it's just an la thing because i i know where i grew up we we lived in like a little neighborhood and all the kids we played kick the cow because i'm talking about like lee lee don't like going out yeah i got a big lee to get out of the house if if i didn't come into lee's life lee would go to work stay home and then go somewhere friday with his friends and have a few drinks but in his heart he can't wait to be home because he knows he could stop at taco bell and he could get the whole fucking shebang home and just sit there with his feet up like a dr lee's a king but lee will stay home ever since i met him i'm trying to get him out of the fucking

house he's a 27 year old kid tell him what you were doing at 27 how you were living fuck at 27 i see how you're living at 41 i remember you were living at 27 you were on the road with us yeah getting thrown into different situations you know getting dumped by the girl the dog the the first one going back the other one this is life lee stays in i just try to get him out of the house you gotta get out i go get to the kettlebell he goes to 24 hour fitness he sits in the corner by himself on a fucking eucalyptus he watches a movie while he's on the use of whatever the fuck he's on he doesn't even live life since i met him all i asked him is go out and live life with some you hang out with a 52 year old fat ex felon who's a comedian go get some friends

to the 27th he's not a druggy league he likes his little fucking star and we get smoked on the hash he loves it because it's his favorite activity like mine what do you do after you smoke weed you go in and you go home like a fucking doctor who's better than that listen at the end of the day in my world i don't give a fuck what you do snort and glue eat fucking strip his asshole nothing's better than stopping getting three tacos and going home nothing and taking your shoes off throw them on the floor and going god damn it feels good to be a gangster and you look at your pack of cigarettes and you got enough for them you got three for tonight and one for breakfast to get you back to 7 11 that's the struggle bitch leave one bro i'll call liana

friday he stays until sunday no sunlight you gotta do a hobby gotta get a hobby that's outside like he don't want no hobby outside his hobby is the couch do you stand up and watch him bad tv and netflix that's his hobby yeah and that's what i like fuck it i'm kind of like that yeah i'm like that too but not when i was 27 all right that was my dream at 27th man someday i'm gonna be able to stay in every night and watch fucking tv and eat i bet if you dream has come true if you're single though you're out more right well yeah i would i would be hell no hell no he would be in every fucking night watching computer videos and jews jew music people jumping up and down in israel and shit tell me more about these computer videos that you think to watch i don't know

i don't know what do you think they do all the time look at the whole video like 10 minutes there's so many hours so when you sit there when i call you at 8 in the morning i call you back at 2 i call him at 8 we're talking i'm about to make breakfast and i call him at 2 i'm like what are you doing i'm nothing getting together really getting ready to leave getting ready to leave yeah i talked to you at 8 it's 2 in the afternoon yeah you didn't get you didn't leave yet no what are you doing those six hours make breakfast okay that's 10 minutes yeah you go you watch a little tv you go and take a shower just maybe pack a t-shirt i don't know take a personality test drink off i don't know take a nap i don't know do you like sleep how many hours a day do you get

i don't get enough because he fucking for a year and a half 7 a.m 7 30 a.m so now i just naturally wake up at that time well you know it is good it's one of i think waking up early is one of the best things you could possibly do so i wake up at 4 in the morning that's insane i wake up and talk to my jews how they have to be strong and jews don't sleep you should be over there fucking counting 20s and looking out the window and i say good night he goes back the bed like a stick and what the fuck just happened to me this is why i can't have friends with a woman i got a nice family i got this guy calling me four in the morning talking about jews and how they gotta be strong that's so funny oh my god lia are you ticklish yes may i joke no no don't

take a look don't take a look no i have a nervous breakdown you have no idea do you uh did you i mean i tried to lead joke last night didn't work i didn't say it right what did you say about my friend that came over for christmas oh and we're watching the thing history of christ and we got high and he got up and said oh my god turn that off i can't believe my people did that it was christmas day why do you have this on they're putting things on his head and blood's coming out why do you have this down and they just pushed it down i was like what the fuck are you watching with your little daughter christ no it wasn't the history of jesus i'm seeing that yeah seeing in we're gonna see jesus getting beat up and he gets me fucking high with hash

and then we were watching it i didn't know what's on it was interesting and also they start beating jesus and i'm looking at him he's getting red he's like folding also he got up he goes you gotta change this this is freaking me out why are they doing this to jesus they put thorns on his head and shit it was fucked up it was pretty emotional it was great i laughed my ass if it makes you feel any better uh jesus was probably black jesus was jewish okay hold on didn't people say jews killed jesus jews didn't kill jesus did they yeah they roughed them up they took it they took the crap i don't know they told us that they hit that they hit that we didn't no because he came back to life a couple days later you're that's uh let's let me give some shout out steve carmen brandon crow

hey brandon karik lumas my man david christianson amy jarvis mino king kana james andres hosey calazo and shit and my main man holding it down over there nyak andrew nandow the fuck you think you're dealing with now you guys are telling me something really fucking interesting that i thought was interesting when you were telling me when we were on one home i thought it was more interesting you two guys are doing shows and you're doing a couple shows around the country together different clubs yeah you're doing late shows because dana carvey does the early issue right which dog let me tell you something man dana carvey you know what's that who remember joe rogan likes those people who's not the fuck with the wu-tang clan oh yeah dana carvey ain't nothing to fuck with he's amazing

yeah dog i saw him do a young comedian special and he fucking saved the show you know it was on that show jud appleton eating death it's on hpl right now it's all 1994 95 nick the pal was on the hilarious sorry people but who saved that show was that boy right there after that i had a complete different respect for him yeah i mean if you think about it wanes wrote alone man that that character he's like a huge star he's a bad motherfucker yeah i'm a hero i saw wanes wrote i was a projectionist when wanes wrote came out and when it first came out that was like something i've never seen before it was just so fucking funny and it had you know tia career or whatever name is and you know that hot asian chic and i've watched that uh movie almost 80 times because i would just

watch the whole thing because at work you're allowed to do that and that was too it was too short to be a predictionist really yeah because of the three stacks 35 millimeter oh yeah i couldn't do that dad said i recant the statement that sign on live wasn't funny those things he used to do with the other guy uh wanes world mike mires yeah mike mires those were pretty funny dude yeah that shit was pretty funny i really enjoyed those i fucked up there last week when i said about that comic because i like those sketches i like him i'm a fan of his and his george bush was dead accurate at the time his preacher the lady uh church choir church chat so whatever it was isn't it special yes it's all that shit i really like that i really yeah but i'm telling you he was

doing voices he was doing bits and he was natural i like when i see a sketch guy but he could do stand up that makes my dick hard a lot of them try to do fucking stand up and they he dick they reach too far that's the hell guys yeah they reach too far but he fucking knows like it's like he knew somewhere along his career he was a house mc something he learned how to put that into a smoothness as a host and bring up comics and outshine them that's fucking special to me that's that's just so so he headlines one show a night yeah so the early show yeah so the improv because i think it shows like at seven or something like that yeah seven so they said why not have a why have a dead in early night you know so that we're doing the death squad show there uh in braya uh

january 22nd and the 20th through the 24th so this is this weekend this weekend so you guys open from an early show or no no no no no no it's two separate shows yeah two separate shows and then so they just had a spot open so and then uh we're doing it also uh and san jose pretty soon the week after i'm there yeah the week that watch uh 16th through the 18th or something like that and dan carvey's also doing early shows that night so it's cool it's like yeah it's awesome hey listen you create an opportunity a window for yourself you fucking get out there talk to people shake some hands you got george perez in the motherfucking house yeah i'm fucking dropping your mama credits and shit and fucking uh we did the show together whatever the locals pocos how you doing buddy

talk to me talk to me talk to me i'm worried about you over there looking at me with red eyes like i did something to you what i'm gonna turn off the light no then what's going on you want a periscope your mom so she can see you with your little fucking uh grip shirt on look at are you can you see visuals at all he don't see nothing he's okay smoke some more dope to calm you down sure always we eat some chocolate yeah you could eat whatever you want that's like put you into 750 roundly you'll be breaking the record on the church but wait wait are you gonna calm me down oh yeah no you're lying uh jesus christ that'll calm you down so much that you'll be you'll wake up tomorrow holding on

to that salon pillow staring at that pizza picture clinton he's with going jesus christ i'm happy you were here last night the shit was starting to get ugly i'm happy you were here last night i've seen porto rican's jumping out windows at four in the morning look at them look at the shape i'm telling you this is the church of what's happening now yeah we thought he was gonna come down here tonight there was gonna be a tiptoe through the park put the music on for us put the foam music down for us this is how lee feels right now and show him how you feel lee give me the blue apron me that's how lee feels right now and shit oh me

give me a favor lee let me get uh on youtube behind you here for my man uh george peres wanted to see somebody first came into the show that he asked me a pretty interesting question that we had discussed on the podcast once before i must have gotten a hundred fucking people with me after that asking me what album is it on yeah i don't know what album it's on it's called turn it on are you ready what is it called turn on the big thing then the moving picture screen is a picture screen i know i know what you're talking about you had to tell me what to order you don't tell me what to search for Jesus christ i live in fucking wanes world you said here it is and then didn't tell me what to type in

what size is that tv big big in fact you're around thursday now you know we're moving thursday so we need all the mp bodies you're kind of coming by my smoke so you guys will be in braya oh yeah they got caught well you don't want thursday night thursday i'm doing uh solo assassins podcast with ernie g from cypress hill are you really yeah look at you look at your bad mother fucking george bro what are you listening to lee i was listening to some gi joe i just wanted to see that little twinkle in your eye no my gi joe fetish left years ago after my mom shook me down it was over what's going on lee you turned off the service you fucked up

hi george and we're doing kill tony tomorrow night oh that's right yeah tomorrow at a clock and it's fucking around did you watch tony's new special it's on netflix i know it's on netflix he was out last week to promote it did it make the front page and everything uh i don't know i watched it though it's good it's so cool he does it in all one shot which is neat it's like a now aren't you on it joey just the beginning i just brought him up he needed me to go up there and uh oh that's dope say what's happening you know you got to do that for people and uh sometimes it reaches across you know what i'm saying uh sometimes the jester lee does that tv look really weird to you right now wow that's cool yeah are we searching for

him jay what brother benny maray benny m o r e youtube yeah i i know keep going keep going keep going keep going i don't know if you got this one but that one go up right there that one right there click on to that let's see what comes out that's a bad mother fucker right that's my grandmother so sell your cruises we're talking about a cuban singer named benny maray who's not just said was a savage

we discussed the song here before he was in mexico well watch this fucking uh john jones looking motherfucker look what a fucking orchestra was in cuban the fifties that's why people going down it are you kidding me or what hit it lee what there you go look at this motherfucker you were down there for the weekend this ain't vegas this is a fucking party jack now he's conducting this thing is conducted nobody does that shit that's how strong he was

george he was fucking torturing these motherfuckers there he goes george right there right in front of conducting everybody getting line we're gonna bust these motherfuckers open wait thank you okay all right it's okay you can admit it the last thing anybody wants to do after work or after a long day are out there schlepping around his weight online at a grocery store and then schlep home and cook some meal that you don't know what the hell you're doing

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trace great and you'll be blown away by how great the quality is and the freshness of the fruit blue apron it's the best way to cook check out this week's menu and get your first two meals by going to blue apron on me this is my treat to you really the first two meals on me go to blueapron.com slash joey that's right that's blueapron.com slash joey once again for meals shipped to your house directly to your door in a box you'll be freaking out look at this stuff look at this meat it smells for everything go to blueapron.com slash joey right now this will knock your pants off two free meals and get delivered to your house monday through friday fifty ten dollars a meal who the fuck do you think you're dealing with listen go to blueapron.com

slash joey all right number two on it i can't talk great things about this my flu is over i went to jujitsu i did the kettle and my flu is over why fucking shroom text a meal the shit's cracking lacking this alpha brain if you're not eating alpha brain you're slipping you're probably fucking trying to figure out the lottery like an asshole and you're mad because you can't figure out the six numbers start with alpha brain you need a key go hold on one second give him a key leave boom boom sciatica anyway before i was really interrupted go to no i'm just you're cracking with you go to honet.com right now slash church and get 10 off your first order first off go to honet.com and take a look at the great supply and the great stuff that they

have whether it's the kettle bells with whether it's the weighted vest whether you're just looking for supplements right now go to honet.com right now slash church and get 10 off your first order and again all these products are delivered to your door you don't have to leave the house that's where the real savings is your time all right thank you again to blueapen.com and thank to honet for supporting the show and don't forget to see my brother red man friday and saturday with george brezz these are two great guys man if you're in bray i'm also in bray at the middle of march that's a great club that's my home club that's where the party started so i'm looking forward to going to bray and the great crowns what's up red man good to see you

last night the stars starting to kick yeah your eyebrows are starting to get bushy that's all i know in your heart your eyebrows are starting to get bushy i need to get work on do you get them your eyebrows trimmed or manscaped when you go to the barber you give her the extra fucking five and she does and she does your nose hairs but then i have to stuff at the house that's kind of scary but i just noticed i have nose hair i feel like the first time i have to go get a trimmer you know what the worst is the ear hair because you will completely forget about ear hair and then one day you're just like reaching there and there's like a guitar oh my god there's a fucking guitar string in your ear and you're taking pictures of people rubbing up against them and they're like oh you

had a good time tonight great let me rub my fucking my fucking ear in your ear my ear wax in your ear whatever the fuck it is i leave what's going on my brother you're feeling good no good now when is this podcast that you do brother talk to me about this new podcast so i just started first off this is long overdue you've been fucking up for a long time yeah it's time to take your salt into your own hands right and fuck these bitches up and there we are yes it's a new podcast called what brian redban do and it's uh it's just typical podcast style but uh the first three months i'm going to try to lose 40 pounds so i might try to like have like a like a little thing to the podcast like a challenge that i constantly do throughout the podcast you know see if i can lose 40 pounds i

already lost 15 pounds since january first so yeah go look at your people doing it with you yeah a lot of people are yeah yeah it's kind of cool and i had sage francis on recently uh who's a really cool person and i just had uh you know the robot from uh uh the late late show uh i don't know if you ever watched the late late show the robot guy is this guy he's super funny let me get jeez that's christ almighty i was kidding you say i gotta deal with you say i gotta deal with right now you're gonna have a hot wax on you some chick comes in and whips you you ever have a hot wax on your leg no no only a sex yeah no nobody's ever throwing hot wax on your back and let you eat the asshole no this was how wax do i don't know it just burns your back you feel

how wonder if george could feel his forehead what happened to us i was holding in a piss from like two hours ago yeah soldier i drank your hands and shit yeah oh yeah his keys all fucked up he's got those little jewy fingers and shit fucking peon i had stars these stars are strong yeah that's the whole point i've never had one of those before and this chocolate's even gonna be better you were looking at another one you know what i'm so hungry i'll eat it just because it's so sugary i love this shit this is good little story you want to get by this no i'm good we'll take a skateboard back home it was the last time you skateboarded back to fucking lakaza no i would say like about six years ago i always hit those rocks and i fall i'm not like when i was younger you could balance

it but now you hit those little rocks with the cracks in the street fuck that li you want a half of this no while i was talking about the my podcast i looked over at li and his eyes were rolled back in his head i started freaking out i appreciate it i really think you sleep that last thought to calm you down listen guys when i came up and i drew everything on the table you should see this little face it's sunday night what is happening in the world that this is necessary like we're gonna do like an acid podcast but then i didn't see him take it he probably didn't do it for me yeah i took a hit before i came here who do you think it was before

this chocolate's delicious you don't know what the fuck you're missing cocksucker anyway i'm gonna thank george perez and my main band red band for coming on today i want to thank lisa i am on any other date you want to promote guys beside them san jose and brea improv you both be there and they get tickets on death squad dot com death squad dot tv slash and just click on tour dates i'll be in charlotte next motherfucking weekend charlotte's going to thank god i'm not there this weekend they're playing at home right i can st louis yeah they play at home so i would not get a fucking person to come even think about seeing me no so i feel bad for whatever and charlotte this weekend but i'll be there the weekend after

then i'm at the st louis helium club downtown i guess and st louis and that's it i love you motherfuckers and uh every tuesday life in neutral with johnny rock it's a new podcast on itunes yes sir you bad motherfucker don't forget thank you for the love and the support thank you for george perez and my main man red band for the sunday night round table you bad motherfucker stay black i have a blue apron right but a blue apron sure you can have a white one i like wearing an apron you'll close on underneath it really it's like i'm wearing a little dress what's up lee everything all right that's blue apron that's okay good good night everybody closing with uh the b-52's

rock laps the house that will close this rock laps it's a fucking monday night mother monday morning have a great day keep your eyes open they're out there yeah we was taking so long everybody had matching towels somebody went under a jar and there they saw a rock it wasn't a rock uh ocean in the ocean

uh down down uh let's go uh boys and the catey girls and sirs boy everybody's rocking everybody's broken in the fire Head on your nose job, head on the lifter,

test the tanning butter. Here comes the stingray. There goes the manoray. Here's what the jellyfish. There goes the jar fish. Take the fire catfish. Here's to a sea robin. Watch out for that piranha.

There goes the narwhal. Back out of the Kalei Whale. Rocks longs dark. Rocks longs dark. Rocks longs dark. Rocks longs dark. Rocks longs dark.