Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #349 - Sarah Tiana

Episode Date: January 21, 2016

Sarah Tiana, comedian and writer on the Comedy Central Roasts and The Burn With Jeff Ross, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 01/20/2016.
   Music:  Saturday Night Special  - Lynyrd Skynyrd Jolene - Miley Cyrus - " The Backyard Session's

This show is brought to you by MeUndies. For 20% off of your first order of the world's most comfortable underwear, head to meundies.com slash joey right now. That's meundies.com slash joey to get 20% off your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada. Show is brought to you by naturebox.com. Say goodbye to weird mystery ingredients and start snacking confidently with NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com slash joey to get 50% off of your first box now. That's naturebox.com slash joey to get 50% off of your first box. And the show is brought to you by onnet.com. Go to onnet.com and use code word church to get

10% off all the great optimization products. January 20th, the day the devil got stabbed in the fucking neck. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, shit. They're Lee going over there. This is so fucking good. Like a black cat dude. Jesus. Church motherfuckers. That song always gets me so emotional. Why? Because God took the wrong fucking people that day. God fucked up that day. God, it would have been a complete different game. Would have been a complete different game in music. The cars would have never existed after people in the 80s would never come out. They were just getting stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger. So

Sarah, Tiana's in the house. Sorry to get emotional about music. What's up, though? Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, no fucking trying to put the pieces together. You are the official last guest in this office. I am. Oh, yeah, that's time. We'll see you. We'll see you in the new office. That looks, I can't wait. Fuck fancy digs. Beautiful. Oh, yeah. I showed Lee, sent me a picture before. Holy shit. Oh, yeah. New offices. And it's closer to walk over there. I love that. It's fucking tremendous. So I'm very happy. We got spotlights. Whoa. Wow. It's like 150 fucking Fifth Street. And it just gives it that rustic feeling. We have to kill somebody in there just to give it that fucking. I had a good week over there. It's

been a lot of fun. I can tell. I did a habitat for humanity in high school. And I actually got to build houses. Now I'm just kind of like there to be there for the podcast because the guys who are helping us, Kevin and his father in law are just so amazing. It's great. It's so nice seeing like I have no knowledge of that at all. So it's just it's you need they're like, they're like masters and I'm just sitting there and like they were cutting the walls to put up. And it was like, I know in theory, it's simply just measure her and do that to me. It could be them going building a spaceship. I have no idea how to do it. To me, it's the hottest thing that a guy can ever do is like build something. I feel like guys now,

you know, they only have calluses on one hand, not two from like not knowing how to build nothing. But my dad, my dad was like that. My dad could just look at something and then build whatever it was. Like he built me like a desk in high school for my artwork because I did like one painting or something, you know, like so he would just build anything to this day. Still does. He's like, Oh, I want to build a deck here. So then he'll just build a deck. It's amazing. I know what I'm doing, but I'm one of those guys that's scared. I did so much construction work as a child. Yeah, man, that I know what I'm doing pretty much. I know if I built it, I'd fuck up in some places, but at least I'd be in the neighborhood. But I feel like you're a

guy that could fix it if it was broken. Yeah, like I don't mean like build things from scratch, but I feel like guys, like even just, you seem like you could fix something. Like if like, you know, plaster up a wall if you punched a hole in it. In my house, my wife does all that shit. My wife builds shit and fucking TV stands and she put the curtains up in here. So because she does that, I've like sat back. Yeah. But I'm the type of guy like I get pissed off, you know, somebody, it's really weird how we became stand up comics. If you really think about how the fuck you became stand up comics, it's by either saying, I could do that, or I could be better than him. Okay, that's the beginning to any career. You know, you watch a lawyer work at a

courtroom and you're like, you know what, I could fucking do this. I could defend people. You know, it's law school, that's a motherfucker, but you still do it. I'm one of those guys, like I could do anything. Just give me a week to get confidence and I could do it. Like I'll tackle it. There's some shit like I'm, I have no aptitude for fixing a car. Yeah. But if I had to, I could change the deal. Yeah, I could change a flat. You know what I'm saying? I know how to put that shit bondo on a car and buff it out and fix the dent. So it's like a Puerto Rican, fucking whatever, you know, it doesn't look great. But I'm one of those guys that can at least get it to work. When you're a road comic, when you do the triple runs, like you're really lucky,

like I started in Denver. So people had put it into me, like you got to do those triple runs. Yeah. There was a point that I saw Stan Hope on the road and I looked in his car, we were talking about something, he goes, come on, we'll go eat together. And I got in Stan Hope's car and there was no room for nothing. Stan Hope had a pole in his back where he hung his clothes. Wow. And he was living on the road. And I said, you know, in my mind, that was the only way to get good. So I copied Stan Hope. And I basically, I had everything in that car. I was telling somebody that night that the axle broke in that car. Has anybody's axle ever broken, bro? You have no idea. The axle broke when the tire kept popping. So I pulled over and then I changed

the flat and then a couple more miles. The tire would fly. And then I had like this fucking fixer thing. So I put it in the, it was a horror show. I didn't know. I couldn't fix that. But the radiator kept blowing up. I had that stuff you buy for $3 that you put in your radiator and it seals the fucking thing. I mean, you learn how to adapt. You know, duct tape is your friend. You know, you learn like you go to place and they're like, listen, if you buy the whole case, it's $82. But if you buy this is 69 cents and the cops won't pull you. You know, all right, let's do that because I'm only making $80 a show. You're only making $85 a fucking show. And they give you $50. The 35, they mail it to you two weeks later. So you got to make it to the next town

on $50 fucking dollars gas and gas. No, they pay for the hotel. That's good. Okay. So what would you do when you get home after a few months and just have $40, $30 checks? I'd have a thousand fucking no, no, because you did four nights, five nights a week. So you get 150 in the mail. You picked up 250 there and 150 in the mail. So you basically about 400 a week for five shows. And then when you start headlining, you make a little bit more money. I used to co-headline for triple. And then I think one time he called me and I went back and just did a regular triple run for, I loved them, but I had everything I owned in that car and everything that could go wrong in my life. I could fix with what I had in that car. I had a football, I had a Frisbee,

I had a baseball, I had a bat. I had everything you needed, a sleeping bag, a blanket, you know, water in the back. I had cans of soda just in case shit got fucking bad in the middle of the night and had to pull over. I had a beer in case I got coked up and I just had to pull over and have a beer and whack off. I had everything in that fucking car that you could possibly have. That's pretty specific. Pull over, have a beer and whack off. Well, being honest here, what the fuck? Is it crazy sleeping in your car the first time? Like when I speak, talk to Tommy or just think about like sleeping in your car, like in a rest stop. I mean, at least in a truck, you have like a bed and something like that. Like that must be fucked up.

You ever sleep in your car? I slept in a couple of times, but not out of like desperation, out of like, I'm too drunk to drive. Okay. That's a different. No, I lived in my car when I lived in 98. I lived in my car in front of Josh Wolf's house. Oh yeah. And I would run up and take showers, but I slept in that car. Thank God I had air conditioning. I popped the sunroof. I put the seat all the way back. I put a little blanky poo on me out of the side of the stars. Wait, didn't you leave the car running then? Fucked a little while. So I would fill it up at night and fucking just go there and all night. The car would be God forbid. And then the car, the road car I had in Seattle, finally the exhaust broke. That's how that car came to an end. That car,

I had that car from 98. No, I had that car from 94. And I mean guys banging it gorilla style, going from Denver to Baltimore and back every two weeks, just changing on. It was a Datsun, something. It was a B210 or something, four door. Those cars don't blow up. How much do you miss that car? With all my fucking heart. With all my heart. I've seen, you know, when you go to Douglas Toyota, they have Toyota in the showroom that hit a half a million fucking miles. Those Japanese engines, like those engines, all you gotta do is change all those four cylinder engines. All you gotta do is change all, bro. Not a lot of power, but for a road car, you get great mileage. And the engine will go 200,000 is when it gets warmed up. Wow.

That's when those Toyota engines get warmed up. Nissan, the old Datsun B210, 2000. You're just waking it up. Wow. Amazing. Yeah. So what was it like though? Because when I just gave up my car, I didn't have as many memories as you did. And I got kind of emotional thinking about the last three years of my life. I just bought a new car in July and I cried. And it's kind of weird, right? Yeah, I cried when I left my old car. I had it for 10 years. I'd paid it off. It was like, like my first big splurge on myself, you know, first new car I'd ever owned. So you bought a brand new? I bought it brand new. Good for you. 10 years ago. Yeah. It was like the first brand new car I ever bought. And then, um, yeah. So I was like, it was hard. It was a Kia. Those Korean engines,

they did, it like came with a hundred thousand mile warranty. I mean, I put like so many miles on that car. Never, never broke down. Not once. I mean, you really want to buy an American car to go on the road in the beginning, but you're broke. Yeah. Okay. And if you break down somewhere, you're fucked. Yeah, you're fucked, bro, especially when you're making $400 a week. So that car has to be like, I treated it like gold. I put medium gas in it. The body looked like death. I mean, at the end, after I welded the fucking, uh, the thing that popped at the end, the CV joint went and even then the fucking, I hit a car and the thing fell out. I was driving that car with the fucking guts hanging out like, and the cops wouldn't pull me over. It wasn't until I got arrested

and I didn't make bail that they told the fucking car. And then I came down here and got another dot something like that. And that one I got towed because I didn't have the registration for it. So I kept getting tickets to registration expired eight months after I bought it. The girl wouldn't fucking call me back. I couldn't get the registration. I applied for the, the registration. They're like, we can't help you unless she calls in and signs over the other registry. You have no fucking idea. And that one, I was in my girlfriend's house taking a shower and van eyes. I'm like, because Hollywood police would look for that car every day to give me a ticket. They would go out of that way. Like they didn't give a fuck. Another day without that ticket,

that car had like $10,000 on it. I don't even know what happened to her. I never paid a fucking dime. That shit disappeared, Jack into the atmosphere. I didn't even see that girl got a fucking letter in the mail because she didn't change over the registration. You see, hilarious. So one day she went to buy an air conditioner on credit and they're like, bitch, you owe 10,000 to take up to Los Angeles. How the fuck are you going to live with that? Don't call papa now. When I was calling, you weren't calling me back and shit. Now you get what you deserve. That's so beautiful. It's amazing when shit was still computer changing. Like you guys were too young. I got away with murder. Tickets. I got a ticket once in Idaho for doing like 200 on the way home

from not Boise, but from where, what was the quarterback before Tom Brady? Blitzo. Where he went to college. He went to go see where he went to college. Moscow, Idaho. And they have a Wednesday and a Friday. Lisa, if you went there one time, you begged to be come back with me and eat at why? Because when you're on stage as a feature act to fuck the feature up, it's cute. They send you tequila with with Tabasco on it. No. Brain farts or something. Prairie dogs or something like that. One night I was in my room. The room was spinning and all our members holding on to the sink and just fucking barfing my brains out as a feature act. It was a nightmare. Tequila will do that to tequila with shots of Tabasco. It's called a prairie dog or something like that.

And they would keep sending them. And when you're rocking and rolling, it's not for the third shot with adrenaline. You're like, ah, you start doing them, doing them, doing them. But once the adrenaline goes down, that tequila creeps up on you and that room started fucking spinning up a storm. Where did he go to school? But northern Idaho. Oh, I thought you already knew. And the dad drinks called a prairie fire. Prairie fire. See something. Oh, the drink is Carl. Yeah, I thought it was a prairie dog. Now what? Such a good memory. I don't know how you would do that was the fucking the first guy I did that room with. I did it. That's amazing how comedy you went to Washington State. Kojo, who the fuck you think you're doing? So it was right over the border there because I saw him

at the airport there one time. I did an open mic on Monday. I called John Fox. He said he had no cancellations. Then I got a call from because the feature canceled. So I drove with a cat named Vince Valenzuela who's still he's not late doing comedy. Not a good kid. And we drove. And that's the first time I ever drank one of those prairie fucking farts. And then they sent like 16 to you. And then if you break the record, you like the best feature act, they keep requesting it. Oh, they keep bringing it. Every time they bring you back, they was like, you got to drink 15 fucking for Keyless. But one day on the way home door, I got a ticket doing like 92 till this day. Some states don't send it like I got one in New Mexico and they just don't send it to other

states. Thank God. Yeah, like I yeah, I've done that before like toll roads and stuff, you know, where I didn't pay or something. Well, that's back in the day in California. Yeah, California. I got it sent to me. It went from five to like 50. Really quick. I got a $91 ticket on the Lord's Day the other day in front of the weed store because I pulled over and the guy as I was coming out, I go, it's the Lord's Day. I wasn't even angry. Yeah, I was having that type of day. It was just fucking the disaster of a day. So I wasn't even angry. I go, it's the Lord's Day. You gave me a ticket. I turned around and I go, Joey, I'm so sorry. I go, I ain't mad at you bro.

What did you give you a ticket for? Because there was a pole that said, don't park him beyond the pole. And I parked beyond the pole because the fucking douchebag behind me parked over. Yeah. He didn't give him a ticket. And I said, not for nothing. I ain't a crime stopper. This fucking guy ticket. So he gave the guy a fucking ticket. So we both got tickets. Yeah, I'm not a crime stopper. This guy ain't parking right. That's why I'm fucked up. It's the worst. People are the worst here. I mean, you live down in Hollywood. Yeah, I have street parking too. So like, when people pool, like don't park perfectly, like far enough back and then it takes up two spots instead of one. It's my biggest

pet peeve in the whole world. Oh, I put little notes on there when you think I'm kidding you. Then what do you say? The next time I blow this fucking thing out. You should say that. People need to be told. Yes, I fucking did. There was a truck in my neighborhood three weeks over the holiday. He thought it was fucking cute. Every time I went out at night, whatever I bought for dinner, like on the way back from 7-Eleven, like usually you stop, you get a water, I get like a V-cigarette, I'll get like a Yoo-hoo or something. I'll drink and throw the fucking cup in the back of the truck. When he came back from when he came back, there was a ton of shit in this fucking car. And I left a note that next time you leave your

fucking car here, I will blow it up. I will. I tell everybody I blow it up or I just put a scratch in the motherfucker and that's the end of that fucking car. Don't you feel like like people just keep doing that stuff because no one's like confrontational anymore? Like no one ever says anything. Well, nobody said a couple weeks ago, there was two girls. Yeah. Okay. And I pulled up and they saw my wife and the fucking baby and they refused to like, I'm gonna park right here. So listen, I don't care if you park there, just move the car back. I finally had a fucking stick my head on go, move it the fuck back. Like they thought they were being assholes for no reason. You've got a whole car like behind you. You know those people like it ends here. This is where

the fucking garage ends. Yeah. Instead of parking here, these fucking measly cunts parked here. Yeah. So now nobody can park there. Nobody can park there. I pulled it and go, move it the fuck back. Yeah. They think they're being smart. And they were like, oh, what if we don't? How about I blast this, I take the baby out and I fucking crawl over you with this four wheel drive Subaru. That's me motherfucker today. That's me today. Go ahead. I dare you or do yourself a favor. I won't get out of this car. I'll drive this car and I'll wait for you to get out of your car. And when you're at work on the train, I will flatten all four of your fucking tires. And let me tell you something. When you go to fucking work and then you get on a train to come

home and at the end of the night, you find your four fucking full ties because there's no relief from that. You got to walk, get a cell phone and call 911. A flat you could fix four motherfuckers. You ain't going to work manana for being a cunt. And that's what I do to people. I fucking double you think I'm fucking with you. I literally little notes. I'll take cat shit out of the fucking the cat litter box and I put on the door handle. Great. You think I'm kidding you dog? You get cat shit in your hand and open up your fucking car door. Listen, you'll have to drive with your hand out the fucking window. Do you understand me? I fucking torment. But the reason that those girls do that is because nobody in the past has ever said anything. So until you say

something, then all of a sudden they're going to be very aware next time. When I was a kid, we lived on 35, 15, giving that terrace and we had our own driveway. But it didn't matter. In my stepdad's world, that parking spot belongs to him. I can't tell you how many nights I got up and he'd be sitting by the window watching and I go, what are you watching? I'm waiting for this guy to go in the house. I'm gonna put fucking nails in the car. You don't know how many times people came back and found all four ties. Like he would put the nails perfectly. So when you drove, later on, you get a fucking flat. He did that to everybody until the word got out. The word got out. Nobody parked there. There could be fucking no parking spots in the neighborhood.

Nobody would park there. He flattened everybody's fucking tires or he'd slash them. It was fucking tremendous. Don't park in front of fucking people's houses. If you take the train, parked by the train, but you're such a cheap fuck, you want to save the 50 cents. I can't tolerate that. When I come to my house by the neighbor and I see a Mercedes, oh, I scratch that motherfucker right off the bat. You want to be a, what are you, a fucking, half a fucking, yeah. Don't park in my neighborhood. If you have a Mercedes or a BMW, you better fucking have the corded apart. And they're probably also the ones who are pulling forward to make sure no one else. So I get my fucking digit too bad and I get my key and I walk and you can hear the tingle. Bro, I had my car key.

I hate that. What did you do? I was parked in my spot. I don't know. Maybe I did something. My friends used to live in a acidic neighborhood and like down on La Brea on Detroit street. And there was like the, you know, the Hasidics, like they were the same way. Like if you said, they would paint the curb red so that you couldn't park in front of their house just so that they could always like, and they were so mean to my friends that we, to get back at them, started throwing like raging parties there on Friday nights because it's their observance and they can't call the cops. So we would like, like literally to be like banging on the floor. It's like nonstop. We're like, yeah, you know, they couldn't do nothing about it. That's how you

got to get them. I mean, like they're, you know, that was a tip for tech, but that was a good old days. People don't do that no more. The worst is neighbors. Like when you have a like a loud neighbor. Well, yeah, you got to be respectful of like the people that you live next to, but if they're going to be disrespectful, there's only so much you can take before you have to be like, all right. And I'm not into calling the cops. Oh no. I don't call police. No. I just fuck with you. Yeah. I just start fucking with you a little bit. That's it. Just to go, where do that? Yeah. I just start fucking with you a little bit and little by little it wears and it wears and it wears and it wears until you just say, fuck it. I'm not going to make no more noise.

What's the idea? I have a neighbor who sings sometimes like really loud. Like you, I think is it bothering you though? At like eight in the morning on a Saturday. I don't really want to hear show tunes. Oh, he's a gay actor. Yeah. I think I don't know if he's gay, but stuff like that. It's and I don't, I don't want to knock on the wall. Like that seems like an old man thing to do, but you can though. That's it. That's the first passive aggressive thing that you can do, but you might have, but it's still kind of aggressive. Like I hate passive stuff. Like I had a roommate who used to leave notes and like it used to, my blood would boil coming home. So I don't want to be passive aggressive about it, but well, you just bang on

the fucking wall and you go, Hey, shut up. Stop singing. There was these motherfuckers that kept parking and doing that, like parking four feet away from the handicap spot to take two spots. And I left them on and they call it next time. There won't be a next time. They never park there again. See, that's like leaving a note in a way that's like, like the most surefire way of like making sure that people understand, like that's not a passive aggressive note. They'll never fuck. They get it. You know what? I'll park the fucking chain. You're right. I should have to get, you know, it's like Rhonda Rousey. I mean, like I told you when she was waking up from that coma she went into, right? She wasn't thinking about getting hit. She was thinking about all the fuck

ups. You think all the fuck ups, you know, that's what you think about all the times you did slip. It's like when you go on stage for like a big show and like, you know what, you've got a new joke and you use the other ones, but the night before and you get up there and as you're bombing by the third minute, it's all coming to you. Why are you bombing? This is why you're bombing. You didn't go out Tuesday. You didn't sit down with Lee and write that fucking joke. How you were supposed to. It's the same thing. You know, as they fucking walk in the car with that big scratch or windshield blasted into whatever or catch it on their fingers, they go, you're right. I shouldn't park in front of people's fucking houses. Do you ever like look and wait for them

to come home? That's my favorite. That's my favorite. That's my favorite. That's the best part is seeing their reaction. Do they ever look at you like, did you do it? They don't look at me. I'm sitting by the couch. They're scared to look at him with the baby in my arms. They're looking at the window waiting like a savage or you and I don't, or I won't see him no more. Like I'll see him park for three days in the back of their mind. I got this. That's what I know. Well, what about those times like I've parked before like, uh, I'm only parking in the wrong way because the person behind me did and then it just creates this like, and then I get a note. Then I'm like, well, I, but I just, I parked right as close to that guy as I could, you know,

like I get paranoid about that. I'll be like, what if people think I'm a bad guy? People think I'm the bad one that started this trend on the street because that guy parked in the middle. So now I had to park further up and then it just creates this chain. I always try to park correctly. I always use blinkers. Yeah, I think it was a fucking rude. I always use blinkers. Yeah. There's little things I do when I drive that just like those people that are like, you're parked at the red light and then it's about to go and then they turn their blinker on. It's like, no, no, no, you should tell everybody behind you that you had planned on turning left before we started this whole long line, right? That's like the guy. Some people just suck, you

know, and I just try to do that when I drive. Like when I park, I park correctly, you know, sometimes if I go to like a meeting, I say, you know what, I got 10 minutes. Let me park a little farther. Just I get some exercise and get some sun and clear my fucking head because you're a considerate person and I feel like that. Not really, but that's the little things that bother me. Thinking about things like you go, oh, I wouldn't want someone to do this to me. So I'm not going to do it to them. But that's being considerate. I pull up all the way to where I'm supposed to pull up, you know, I give people space. I just do things, you know, like, and I don't even have a nice fucking car. Yeah, you don't always follow all the laws, but you respect the rules. Respect

the rules. Yeah. You ever hear about like how some people when they're doing job interviews will go and see how people treat waiters and waitresses to see if like there would be like a good person? No, I like that. I think that's a good thing, too. Like if you, if you were like, how someone drives or parks is like a really easy way to tell they're a douchebag. Yeah, just like no consideration for anyone else on the road. This is my world and everybody else just lives in it. I got to talk to you about something before we even move any further because it's funny from no, no, no, it's not about you. I woke up the last two mornings to these little articles and I didn't read them, but they're getting more and more by Amy Schumer.

What's going on? I didn't read them about she's a joke thief. She is. I mean, they're fucking horrible. I didn't read the article. I haven't shut the fuck up about it. I follow Wendy. She hasn't shut the fuck about it to the point where I was going to say something like Wendy. Move on. Yeah, move on. Move the fuck on. I love you. You're a great comic. Amy stole one of the ones from her, but Amy, I guess that's Tammy Pascatelli's in town and Kathleen Madigan. I guess she went and stole old comics jokes. Like, and now today they have video like somebody hit me up and said, did you see they found video of, you know, but I thought

Chris Rock directed the special. Yeah. Well, then they also said that about Patrice O'Neill that she used one of Patrice O'Neill's jokes on a special tier. So what's going on, Lee? Did you read any of these? I can read it right now. Yeah. Read this shit because I don't know. Listen, I've seen Amy once perform since I've been here 20 years. I've seen her once at the improv. You know, I don't see her out. You know, I don't know the story. I don't know who she is. I know that sometimes when people get popular, all some people want to take jabs of people, but one jab is one thing. But when there's smoke, there's fire. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I also like sometimes I worry that it's like obviously if she's having to create this much material at once, she's has people helping her

right. And you don't have those right. That sucks dick too. That sucks dick too. That sucks dick too. You know, what sucks dick that she's has people writing for her? No, years ago, I used to do this whole bit on Coke. And one night I got on stage and this comic came up to me and say, listen, I got a good joke for you. Say that you're the only person that got fat on Coke that somebody cut your coke with butter. And I started saying the joke. That's a great tag. Thank you. And this guy, this this comic girl is known as a writer kind of sort of. And I love it. I never really got mad at her. But but six months later, I'm hearing from people that I stole this joke that this guy's looking for me and shit. It was fucking tremendous. So I saw the guy one night at the emperor.

And he tried to be tough with me. And I spit in his face and they asked me to leave. It was tremendous. Then I had to shoot a movie and he was dead. No. Yes, I did. I had to shoot Nick Swanson's movie. And because this guy kept torturing me. Every time I'd see him out, he goes, you stole my fucking joke. You stole my fucking joke. Like a dog. Somebody gave me that joke. Fuck you. He just didn't like me. Yeah. And now he had a fucking reason. You know, this guy was a lot older. He was one of those guys that was really popular and they threw him out of the fucking store. So he got pissed off. Let's see the Kathleen Madigan one. You want to see that one? Yeah. Okay. This will be interesting. Well, I love Kathleen. Me too. This is great.

Economy falling apart on Oprah because she ordered American women to go out and buy things they could not afford. That's what I quit watching this show. The dichotomy in her shows was so ridiculous on Tuesday. She'd come out and go, ladies, it's all about Jimmy Choo shoes. You got to have them. You need them. Your feet are going to fall off. You're going to have bunions the size of Montana if you don't get some Jimmy Choo shoes. Now, if you've never heard of them, they're about $500 or more, a pair, highly impractical. Then the following day, the entire show would be about credit card debt. There's always 40-somethings crying on the stage and she's just berating them. Ladies, how did it get this out of hand? They're like, you fucking told us.

Why don't we rewind the tape, chubby chubstein? I believe it was you who brought Mr. Choo into the conversation. If I watch Oprah now, I only like to watch it when it's a hard, serious, depressing topic because she has had so many giveaway shows in the past when it's a hard, serious, depressing topic. When they pan the audience, you can see the look of sheer disappointment on those women's faces. It overcomes out. Today's topic is abused women in India, paying the crowd, what the fuck? Where are my free hug boots, bitch? I stood outside, there's some 900-year-old lady from Wisconsin, does this mean we're not getting a free Pontiac? Pontiac, that's a great word. I kind of went over the edge too with Oprah because of the magazine,

because she puts herself on the cover every single month. I'm like, could you be more narcissistic? How do you bring that up at the staff meeting without totally sounding like Hitler? Yeah, as far as the cover was going, the idea is that I keep coming up with Zeya of me. Sometimes I will be holding a basket of puppies for no reason. Sometimes I will be painting a picture of me. I didn't think you could get more narcissistic than that. Oh, yes, you can. A few months ago, Oprah did two pictures of herself on the front. What the fuck? Listen, I want to have a picture of her now, the super chubby Oprah and pay a man. I think when I was like a third album,

the whole fucking road trip, I just listened to her. It was fucking amazing to see people get hit in the head. Amy, you look amazing. What are you doing? Weight watchers? Jenny Craig? Yeah, right. Those take too much self-control. Last time I checked, I wasn't a robot. Nope. How'd you do it? With slap chef. With slap chef. With slap chef. Slap chef. What's that? I don't know if that's the same one. I don't know if this one's the same. Oh, I see what they're doing. What? Okay, do this one. Wendy Liebman. Kathleen Manning to jump in. Make normal fashion, but I like it when the guy pays for sex. I mean that.

I am a good person. I swear to you, like I'm very old school. I think the guy should always pay on the first date for sex. I don't know. That's just one. I don't know. It's kind of hard. Well, the other ones were comparisons. Like the one with Tammy Pascatelli, it's probably one for trainwreck. Like whatever idea she had, which came from that joke. That's a whole slew of different riders though. Like if it's a sketch show, that's different riders. We'll try it. Let's see what she's saying. Tammy Pascatelli, I don't see because it's trainwreck and Tammy. So let's see what Tammy said. This one made it into the freaking trailer for her movie trainwreck. There's so much going on right now. Like women right now, it, you know, and I'll tell you the truth. As a woman, I will

admit that women dress for other women, right? That's why men, if we love you, we dress you for other women too. That's why we dress you stupid because we want another woman to look at you and go, he's cute, but I can't fix all of this. What do you think invented the Hawaiian shirt? Okay. And I know this from growing up with boys that a lot of things, pretty much really, pretty much everything a man does is to see a woman naked. It's the truth. It really is, right? I mean, you know what? You wake up, that's why they have jobs. That's why they have homes. That's why they have cars just to see a woman naked and you don't have to go through all that. You really don't. All you need to do is put a scale in your living room because there's not a woman alive who weighs

herself completely dressed. Yeah, because I know the trailer. I saw the movie. Girls, your mother and I are getting divorced. Monogamy isn't realistic. Monogamy isn't realistic. Again. Monogamy isn't realistic. I didn't understand that word at the time. But now I know exactly what he was talking about. Saturday, I would love it if you were my date. I can't do that because like, you and I won't ever see each other again. Good morning. Oh, Amy, what happened? The church let out early. Oh, I like Tom Sweater. Does he teach computer in a church basement? Don't get all threatened just because you don't understand the concept of marriage. You dress him like that so nobody

else wants to have sex with him. That's cool. What do you think, Lisa? You're a logical guy. I don't think that that is that one. I think it's the same concept, but that wasn't I don't think that it wasn't the whole thing. Well, that was definitely not like a yeah, like if I think Sievery, I think of like word for word bit that is like over a minute long, just like a reference that's the same. Like I've heard that before. Yeah, I've heard that a thousand times. Like, you know, whenever I've never been like accused of a joke, me and Christina Positski used to talk about this all the time because I'm like, first of all, I've never stolen a joke either. But like people have said that, oh, my jokes are similar to yours. And I'm like, it's just a

reference that's similar. Like we both just say the word sketchers. Like you don't know all you own all jokes that talk about sketchers, you know, but I do see people blatantly steal stuff. And then you just feel like so sorry for them because you're like, Oh, that means you like if somebody stole something from me, I could write another joke. And I'm confident in that, even though, you know, and no one's going to take anything when it's super precious to you. And it's very specific to you and who you are, like who could steal anything that you do, you know what I mean? Like I just feel like my jokes are so specific to me in my own circuit, you'd be stealing my life, basically, if you were to steal any joke. So but if somebody steals and

then you just go, Oh, it sucks that you can't write a joke. Like I can always write another joke. And it would suck. And but I would feel more sorry for them than myself. Well, I get mad when people listen, somebody steals your joke, you approach them like a man. Yeah, you can't be angry. You go listen, one of the jokes we do is similar. You know, if you say I saw you at the fucking all watching me that night when I first did it something, you know, I went to the fucking whatever one night and Bill Burr said, you know, he's talked about somebody and he goes, this was where races all Kanye West. And Bill Burr goes, you know, like what I was saying,

where's the racism? That's why I never said that joke again. Really? Yeah, Bill Burr said, I'm not going to win. Yeah, I'm not Bill Burr. Number one, it wasn't working for me. I wasn't saying it as good as Bill Burr. Did Bill Burr steal the joke? Not in a million fucking years that I steal the joke from Bill Burr. Not in a million years. And guess what happened the next night? I saw somebody else early. I went to the store early. I was doing something. And somebody else used that reference. Now I never fucking did it again. Did he steal from Bill Burr? Fuck no, you follow me. It's just something now. It's I got to look at the joke that I'm doing and going, it's not working for me. It works 42% of the fucking time. It works three and a half times out

of 10. Fuck it. Move on. Write another goddamn joke. I'm not going to sit there and write a fucking whole thing about it. I'll go up to you and approach you like a man. If somebody calls you at home at midnight and go, Hey, man, I'm at the lab factory and somebody's doing your fucking bit. You know, three people fucking tell me and then one of them goes up to him and goes, Hey, that's Diaz is better. And again, I don't know, I came from a different cloth when it came to comedy. It was weird that where I came from to get into comedy. So by the time I dove into comedy, I was like, I'm diving in like a human being. Like I'm going to do this like everybody else. And I couldn't imagine taking somebody's joke or thought even as the criminal I was,

I would take fucking lighters from 711 on curson. You know, I used to run now they just put them back and I'm going in there on the way home. I just hate that route. I rather hit the lower canyon and just get home than go to 101 rap. But if I was still crazy and they got the NFL lighters, which are my favorite, you know, the NFL lighters, they drove me crazy because I wanted every team. It's like when you're a kid, when you go to fucking Carvel to give you the baseball team. But if you won eight times, you got the Kansas City Royals. Now the helmet is good. But when you're a kid, who the fuck was the Kansas City Royals? You wanted the Reds or the Yankees or the Mets. They never gave you those. So the same thing happened with those lighters. When I

first met my wife, I will have my wife call in here. I will have my wife call in here and she'll say Joey Diaz had an obsession with lighters, but she didn't get it. It just wasn't lighters. It was the NFL, the BIC lighters with the football team on it. So I started as a joke. I started taking three at a time, four at a time, five at a time. One day I just took a tray and I went home and I was so pissed because the tray had like eight repeats. They only had three teams. They had like the Bengals, the fucking, the Dolphins and something else. So I had this desk, call my wife and ask, I had a desk, a bureau underneath her shit with just the lighters and I would count them at night when I was coked up and I would look at it and say, I'm missing a lighter. I was pissed.

Well, I took a Bengal one because there was eight of them. What the fuck? You know, I would get so pissed and I stopped shoplifting the lighters. But the point is I was that much of a fucking thief. I would never even think about it. And now when I hear somebody wearing the same ballpark, you know what? Just for the sake of argument. And I know this guy's temperament. I know he's going to fucking get the fence, but I'm up to smack him and do time. Forget it. I'll just go to flappers or the ha ha and start from scratch and start from scratch. I'll go out to fucking the laugh factory, flappers, the ha ha, any of those clubs and start from scratch. That's all you could do. No, that's all you can do. And I also, but I also think that like, I mean, just thinking about

those two jokes that we just saw, I mean, those are pretty, like those are pretty common, like theories that women talk about. It's not like, I just feel like there's always going to be crossover. And I don't like, I know I've met Amy a couple of times. I've met all of those women a couple of times. I probably know them all just as well as each other. So I feel unbiased in this situation. But like, I just feel like Amy's cadence is like, I always think a man should pay for a set like that kind of stuff. That's her cat. You know, like I don't date Mexicans now. I prefer consensual, you know, like she that's her cadence. And that idea, I talk about how men should pay on the first date. Does that mean I can't talk about that because this setup is the same. Do you know what

I mean? Like I feel like I feel like the idea of men paying on the first date is an idea that 60% of the women in America could be talking about. Because the theory, the idea, it's like airplanes. And you made a great point that people at home do not know. And let's break it down for people at home. Okay. Sarah is a great comment. She's coming up, whatever. Tomorrow, she's at the fucking store. And let's just say for the sake of argument, let's just say for the sake of argument, OPI is there. What's OPI? The guy from the real OPI, not fucking OPI radio. Ron Howard. Ron Howard. Let's just say Ron Howard's in there. And Ron Howard's developing a TV show on NBC. And he loves Sarah. And he gives us six episodes the first season. The show's a winner.

You know how it turns. And all of a sudden, your agency starts sending you out. Well, guess what? She's clean. She could do corporate, you know, she could do a thousand things. All of a sudden, Sarah's world blows up. If that's showing tape and I don't see Sarah. I don't see Sarah. Well, guess what? And a lot of people at home don't know this. You get bored. You get bored with your material and you can't write fast enough. Now guess what? You know, Sarah's agent calls her and says, Sarah, I got a theater for you. And now they're putting Sarah in because they're greedy too. They're all greedy juice. So they will put Sarah in four fucking theaters a week. You know, and guess what, guys? After two weeks, I don't care how good your jokes

are. You're sick of them. You're sick of them. And you're thrown in little bits. And when your jokes are really good and you're thrown in little bits, you're like, fuck this. I'm not going to start from this shit. I'll just keep. And one day you just surrender. And I know guys that, listen, any other situation, you know, I give up names, I give up names to criminals, I grew up with my own shit. But these are people that have their own personal business. I knew comedians who grew so fast that they had to hire tribes of comics, tribes of comics at home for people who don't know this. I have to go to Lee and go Lee, get Sarah, get Tony, get fucking one other guy, tell him 3000 a fucking week, whatever. Let's go to because I'm doing theaters and I'm selling out

10,000 Ceterinas. I'm walking every week with a quarter of a mil. I'm paying these motherfuckers 20,000 to give me the shiniest, the shiniest. And these guys will start looking at me through their success. And all of a sudden, Sarah will go, you know what? That joke I was saying, right? I don't like it. And I'll work for Diaz. Let me, he's paying me Diaz is paying me taking me on the road. You know, after the shows, we're fucking smoking dope and drinking and eating cheeseburgers and writing Joe. You have no idea Lee. So guess what happened? Some fucking comic opened up the Sarah and Pittsburgh last year. Sarah did the joke for five days. Now Diaz is doing the joke. She doesn't know she's doing her job as a comic. She doesn't know my association with Sarah.

So right away she'll post Joey Diaz stole a joke. I don't have time to go back and reclaim that. The damage is already done by you accusing that person like that. And that was my question. Have they contacted her? Because in the another story happened with Heather McDonald and Chelsea, like in doing it publicly, like that's like contacting a person before they say anything to the public. Well, yeah, we'll not. We'll just to give them a chance to say to do the right thing, because like it's, it's like being charged with a crime or something. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah. It's an intense thing. And if you, I feel like if you don't at least give them a chance, like when did this go down with Heather?

She's circumstantial, evidently. When did this go down with Heather? Yesterday? The other day. Yeah, yesterday. Yesterday? Well, I think, I think Chelsea said something yesterday and Heather maybe the day before. What is, what Heather said that she was in Tim are scared of Chelsea? Yeah. And then Chelsea said, what, that she should be scared of her?

Yeah, she should be. And then allegedly Heather sold information for her to put her pictures in the magazine. So that's why she put Chelsea's pictures in the magazine. No, to put Heather's picture. It's so weird. I don't know. You know, man, this comedy game makes people act really weird. Yeah. I don't know. This comedy game for fucking fame.

People act weird for a certain job. But then people also just get into their heads. They've created a story in their head that is so fabricated that now they start believing it, you know? So I get a lot of times between female comments, I'll see like this rift, you know, and I feel like, and just male anybody, you know, like, and it's like, you've never actually talked about it, but now you both have created these scenarios in your head that you're both believing and none of it is true. Like men will just work it out and punch each other and women just like marinate and marinate and marinate until the story gets worse and worse and worse, you know what I mean?

They just like never let it out. Like Biggie and Tupa. Yeah. It's just like just somebody got shot. Yeah. Just see that. Like I think that like, I mean, if I saw somebody else doing a joke that was similar to mine and theirs was better, I'd be like, all right, I can write a better joke.

I can do better. I don't need to do that joke. If mine is better, I might fight for it. If somebody's a dear friend of mine. Yeah. Or even a good friend of mine. Sometimes I don't like a comedian, but I respect their work ethic. You have to get out of here. No, I'm okay.

And let's say I respect the fucking comic, but I don't like them personally. They don't like me, but they're like, fucking Joe, he's out there. He's out there. You know, every fucking night I see him at midnight. I see him at eight in the morning. So you respect those people. Yes. And somebody was stealing that jokes.

First of all, guys, I got to be honest with you. I remember my fucking jokes. Yeah. Unless I've worked with you for a month or I've seen you and really enjoy you at the store, I don't fucking know your jokes and you're always writing. So for me to raise my hand right away and go, that's Lee's joke. I don't know. And I'm making you follow me.

But if I fucking love that person, A, I won't go up to that person. I will call that person that the joke. And if they say to me, is he there right now? Yeah. You want me to hold them here? You know, then whatever. You want me to say something? Don't say nothing to Jordan.

Please mind your business. No worries. You know, but if not, I don't even remember. And it's not that I'm a fan of comics, but you have so much material in your own fucking mind. You know, it's so sometimes I won't even point the finger. I'll go home and think about it for a few days. And then I'll wait.

And then I'll hear it from somebody else. Hey, man, I saw this guy at the laugh factory. Bam. Now you know where there's smoke, there's fucking fire. It's crazy that people do it. A, in Los Angeles, because all the comics are out. There's tons of comics. There's tons of people on the road.

We have our own police force. They do it everywhere. You know, and these guys are savages now. Like who'd they take? What was the guy that stole the joke from a dead comic? Oh, yeah. I was doing them and everybody went to and got them at the fucking. They lynched them.

They brought him onto the show and let him do his stand up. And then they paid. It was like a Mitch, Mitch Mulaney's bit afterwards, which is word for word. And Mitch died, you know, like a year before the guy was doing the job. So like it's crazy. So what did they do? They brought him on like a show like this and had him do his stand up.

And like there's a big audience and stuff. So like he was just one of the other stand ups. And then it becomes a talk show and you sit down and talk to the comics hosting it. And then they started playing Mitch's joke. And then he like ran out of there and he's never been seen again. Like he didn't even answer the question. He just got up and left and then like no one seen him again.

That's fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. But that's what should happen too. Like you shouldn't be doing something like a classic. I mean Mulaney was like really good. I was, you know, I started in Denver and I knew those guys in Denver and Denver, you know, each market has reputations.

The Denver comic has a reputation of being a great writer. They develop all those jokes with Roseanne. The word on the street when I started in Denver was that they were these fucking great writers in Denver. Matt Berry is here. We've spoken, you know Matt Berry. Matt Berry is like a big time writer, real show runner. And he has a partner from Denver.

These guys were the writers. I remember seeing Matt Berry performing at Witt's End when I was the fucking doorman, the doorman. And he would come in and he had a thing about scales that ever since he started doing coke, he's really good with metrics. And he would do a bit about that. There's a guy, Roger Rittenhouse, who's got a hook for an arm.

Oh, I thought you meant like a hook, like a bit. No, he's got a hook for an arm. And it goes up on stage. What's happening? Like Captain Hook? Like a hook and he'll go up on stage. My wrist was fucked up. So I went in, they gave me this.

I had to bring the other one back. It's under repair. So just work with me. And he makes it click on stage. But fucking, here's a guy that would take your whole act and just make you a fucking star. Like Steve McGrew. Steve McGrew.

Let's talk about Steve fucking McGrew. Steve McGrew is a comic from Houston, Texas. Do you know who Steve McGrew is? Steve McGrew is a comic from Houston, fucking Texas that missed that outlaw boat. Then he went to Denver. And in 1992, Steve McGrew was already touted as one of the best fucking comics in the country.

He was living in Denver in LA. The fucking Elvis hairdo, good looking dude. Just a prolific writer. Like if you work with Steve McGrew today and you do five shows, Steve McGrew will do five hours. And Steve McGrew is a caged animal. The shorter the time, Steve McGrew will fucking bury you.

I had to follow Steve McGrew two nights in Denver. And both nights I was in the back praying. And they were the best sets I had because you had to follow that heat. Steve McGrew is one of the true fucking comedy writers in this country. Like really fucking good. And he was in Denver, so he taught those guys.

So those guys, Rick Kearns, Mikey Long, those guys started just writing for people. But I did comedy with those guys. So one day I went home and I'm watching one of the guys they're writing for that I know they're all writing for. Oh, I didn't know. I didn't know that this particular comic

had hired this writing crew. This particular comic went from clubs to arenas. And then continued to do arenas. And when he has a jet and when he leaves, one day I'm watching him, because I'm a fan, and he fucking says one of those jokes from Mikey Long. I'm enraged.

I go, Jesus Christ, is this guy a joke thief? But I didn't say nothing to nobody. And sure enough, a month later, I found out Mikey Long was writing for him. Mikey Long finally said, you might as well take my material because I ain't doing nothing with it. And sold him one of his best fucking jokes.

So you follow me, people. Sometimes you might go to a club and see a comic through a joke, and then see a big-time comic through that same joke a year later. Maybe that comic just said, you know what, Liz, I'm moving back to Michigan. Yeah.

I don't need this no more. I'd rather sell you this job. I'm going to go back and sell you some snow. Has a really amazing comedian ever sold his act? Like, imagine if Bill Cosby sold his act right now. Or anybody. Or anybody. It doesn't feel as stupid to go on.

I heard years ago, some comic bought some comics act. That was really funny, like his whole joke book. Again, unless you take that act and personalize it to your own ability, you know, I've always said Chris Rock, for example. Chris Rock, his best specialist, where you'd see him prepare. It was beautiful.

So good. Because he would go, he would start at the improv. And he would walk into the improv with Nick Topolo and Richard Jenney. And then from there, he'd shoot over to the laugh factory and do the same fucking material that on the drive-over, Nick and Rich told him to try. At the time, Rich, Chinese, another great writer.

God bless his soul. And Nick Topolo was brilliant. And then after they do like two shows there, they shoot to the comic store. And somebody, and then Louis CK would show up. This is 16 years ago. And I saw this go on for six weeks. I didn't know what it was.

I didn't ask. I didn't talk to those guys. And then I saw the finished product. And it was one of Chris Rock's best fucking specialists. And I heard that he would get an advance from HBO, chop it up, and tell these guys go to work. Heck yeah, that's the best thing. So, you know, you got Rich Jenney giving you 15,

Nick giving you 15, Louis CK giving you 15. You had your 15. What? And what people don't realize is when you're writing a joke, like, because I'll write with friends, you know, we'll sit down. And that banter and the questions that you ask each other about the material is what forms the material. Because jokes are usually opinions that are answers

to questions that you keep asking about a certain part of life, you know? You know, like, and I always, like, when I'm writing a joke, I'll, like, research both sides. Like, if I, like, I have a bit about, like, how I like for men to pay for dinner. And so, like, I'll go and read articles and opinions from men and women about why they each think they should or shouldn't, you know? And, like, those questions that you ask yourself, that's how you form the joke.

And when you're writing with a group of people, like, if I'm sitting there writing with someone, I'll ask you lots of questions until the joke just comes out of you, if that makes sense. So, like, you know, you have these writers and these people that work with you, but, like, you're all creating the show together. You're not just, like, it's not like one writer gets credit for one joke. You've all contributed to that.

You've all punched it up. You've all made it better, you know? It's like, when I write for Jeff Ross on the roast, I might give him a joke. He makes it amazing. Like, you know, like, I might write it down, but then we'll tag it or change it or move a couple words here and there. Everything is, like, it's, like, a beautiful instrument that you have to play.

And just because someone can play an instrument doesn't mean they'll build the instrument. Wow, we're on the subject. Let's pretend I meet you at the fucking supermarket. Okay. Right? I'm like, for some reason, I'm talking about a situation in my youth. No, I'm talking about a situation when I'm 22 and I'm slinging dick and I'm out and I'm always on the prowl, you know?

Let's say, for some reason, you let me know that you like doing drugs. I would buy the Coke and the Kweyludes and the fucking weed, and then I'd pick you up and we'd go eat. Now, in that conversation, this is from a man's perspective. Like, I talk to Lee sometimes and I see how Lee looks at me, and a lot of guys want to admit this. If I didn't have conversations somewhere, I suspect, I'm not going to sleep with you.

You better be buying dinner. Really? Yeah, fuck you. I'm buying you dinner. Yes, you are. No, fuck. Not now I would, because I'm a gentleman now. Yeah.

Oh, you mean you're talking about 22. When I was 22, when I was slinging dick, what, Sarah? Yeah. You started telling me about, oh, I'm tired. I got to get up at six. You know, I have my car. What? Well, I hope you brought money for that shrimp cocktail and that fucking $8 martini

because I ain't paying for dick. I might go dachis on this. I might even run out of here. No, you know, it's, it's. That's true. Like back in Mac when I was younger, it didn't matter as much to me, because that's what I wasn't like looking for a soulmate. You know, you're just going to hang out.

But like, you know, now I'm looking for my person. So they have to pay for dinner. My person has to pay for dinner. What? I'm just laughing about the soulmate. I hate you so much. You make me feel sick. No, no, no, no, no.

It'll happen. Oh, no, no. It's definitely going to happen. You have it all. You know, it's, it's tough. What you got to go through until there's so many fucking lots of little men. There's so many fucking laps. Like if I was a woman, I'd have so many fucking requirements.

Yeah. Like I'd be so fucking picky if I was a woman. I want short hair. He better dress right. He better have okay. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not stuck on the money thing. If I was a woman, I don't care if he lives at his mother's house. As long as he's got his shit together, gives me a stab.

Just have your shit together. That is the hardest thing to find though. I didn't have my shit together at Lee's age. Lee had his shit together. Like Lee, that's why I said, you want to make a good couple. We'll teach you jiu-jitsu. You can do kettlebells together. You know what I'm saying?

But uh. So the guy helping us, his father-in-law, seven years old, he's been with his wife for 41 years. So we were alone today for a few minutes. So I asked him like, how does it work? He, he, and he just said like, just don't argue. He just said, just like, just say she's right sometimes. Like it's not worth the fight sometimes.

Yeah. Then that's all he said. He's like, and he, he said like, they're people too. So they like, like be nice to them. And so it was just like, there wasn't any like big thing that he said. So. Well, I think that men and women just like need different things. Like women need to be held in touch.

You know, we need you to remember our birthday and our anniversary and stuff like that. But like, men need respect. Like that's how men feel love. And they're here for, from the East Coast for like six months. And he said they go everywhere together. Yeah. Like they never go like, they were apart for the day, but they never go anywhere that way.

I cannot fucking believe that came out of your fucking mouth. What? Not you. You're my brother, Saturday night. I cannot believe that came out of your mouth. And there are women right now today that are cringing that you said that word. And in my life, first off. What, respect?

Yes. The first thing I got to tell you is the reason why you're back on the show, because I learned more about fatherhood from you than anything I've ever read or anything I've ever seen. I've seen different things, but you really opened my eyes up to be having a woman at the house and how to get a woman ready and the whole thing. And then talking to Ada, Ada came from a Cuban house and what her dad did was fucking just crazy. But that could be me too.

Like, you know, go by the school and go like this. Drive away, you know, that type, which is cute, but you don't need it. And I already see how mercy is. Like when I go to school in the morning, my wife, boom, we get, I walk to the school. I walk with my wife because there's a lot of people driving. It's by the train stand. I don't want no problem. So when I'm walking, we get there, you know, we let her out.

My wife gives me the lunch and her and I walk to the refrigerator. This is the same routine. And I put the lunch and I turn around and come on, we got to go next door. She fucking bops around. She looks at the tables. They're making crackers with cream cheese and pretzels. And I could see her already. And then we have to walk to another building.

And then before I go into Spanish, I always tell her, where's my hug? And she always gives me pretty good hugs. But when it comes time to school in front of her friends, it's over. Like she just goes, boom, and lets her hands down. Oh, yeah. She pushes me away and then she walks in two steps and she walks back out. Hugs Terry's leg, pushes her away and closes the fucking door. And then goes in and hugs the teacher.

So I already, you'll see that personality. Like it's over, dad. It's over. Yeah, I know. You love me. Be careful. I love you. I heard a thousand fucking times.

Leave me the fuck alone. I'm with my friends and I want to see it. You know, you see it. You see it. But the one thing that I see it. Oh my God, am I going to go to hell for saying this? Oh my fucking God. Oh my God.

When I see a woman over 40 who's fucking single, I don't think she has respect for men. Yeah. As a woman, the first thing I want to teach Mercy, whether I live to tomorrow or fucking when she's 15 or 20, is that she has, she lives in the world with men and she has to respect men as long as she knows that going in and makes her life a lot easier. Today, this morning at six in the morning, I was drinking coffee with my wife. And she says, who's on the podcast?

And I go, Sarah Tiana. And she goes, you really like her, don't you? And I go, yeah. I go, you know why? Because I want my daughter to grow up to be like her. She has a quality that I've seen Sarah in the circle with five guys and she ain't fucking none of them. She's holding her own.

None of those five guys are there to fuck Sarah. They respect her and she's holding her own. Sometimes at the store, I just wave at you. I look at you. I mean, I'm ready to go up and you're by the thing and I want you and I'm watching. And I'm watching why these guys are talking to you. Just to make sure I'm okay. I don't have to go in and strangle my fucking, you know what I'm saying?

I have to choke a motherfucker right there at the comedy store and leave him in the parking lot. Sarah, go home. Just go home. Do a spot next time. The store is closed, you know, because you have to look after those females at the store because this crazy people talking to me, those girls at the store, you got to watch them. I used to watch Beaumont Bacon.

I used to watch Kim to virus. There was another girl I used to come up with there with her baby and leave the baby in the car on the stage and shit. It was crazy and you get to respect these women, man, because you know how hard it is. I see how hard it is. When they walk in, they're fucking prey, Jack. Everybody's trying to knock them off their game and unless they have a certain walk, it's not going to work out for you.

A certain way a woman comforts herself, like walks. When you do comedy, guys have to really respect you. And that extends to the business world. But something happened in 1970 when Billie Jean worked that fucking Bobby thing and women all of a sudden became feminists. There's a word. There was one little stupid article on Facebook last week that Tina Fey is hated now. She's a feminist because she talked about strippers and I don't even know what a feminist is.

I don't know nothing about this shit. But I know a woman in today's society, your job will be a lot easier if you respect a man. And every time I see a single woman, I see how she talks to men, how overly protective, how quick she is to snap at a guy. It's quick. They're trying to prove their point. I see it. So you keep saying like respect, what do you mean by respecting a man?

By respecting a man. Well, what I do is I think for a man, A, you have to date somebody that you can respect. Like I just want a man that I can look up to and be proud of. So I think that that is a big part of it where you're constantly rewarding him or thanking him for being a man and not punishing him for being a man. Also, I think with a man, you don't make fun of him in front of his friends or his family. Definitely not in front of his mother. There's certain things like that.

You're just considerate of his feelings before they get in. Yeah, you're fucked up. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I feel like women do that where they're just like, I can do whatever I want. I don't know. I just want somebody that I'm super proud of and that I brag about all the time. And I can make fun of him to his face or when we're in a comfortable group where I know people respect him as well.

But I just think with your men, you just show them respect. And I think my biggest problem is that I'm the alpha at work, and I just want to be the beta when I go home. But it's just difficult to find men that you can respect, that you can give that admiration to. What do you think, Lisa? I think that, I don't know. I think as a man, you have to make, listen,

when you're walking down the street, you're walking down the fucking street and you see certain people and you see a guy walking towards you and he's got like fucking these jiggling with his pocket. I'm not saying that about color or race. He's got a hoodie on. Never the fuck. You know, your things go up. When you meet a woman, the toughest thing for a man is to,

what's the word, differentiate whether you're gonna, and let's work all adults here, whether you're gonna fuck this woman or not fuck this woman. This is how a man, this is the back of the wiring. This is the back of the fucking wiring, okay? When you meet a woman, I'm married, but I don't have that sense anymore. But when you're on the prowl as a man, even if you're not on the prowl, even when a woman's not on the prowl,

when you meet a new man for the first time or a man meets a woman for the first time, they have a decision right there. Whether they're gonna go for it or not go for it. Maybe she's not your type. Maybe there's guys who will go for anything. There's guys that just, they make new flesh. If they talk to 10 women, they're gonna sleep with two of them.

It's just the law of the land. When you see a creepy guy, that guy gets pussy and you sit there and go, how does he get pussy? Because he hits on everybody. He hits on 10 women. Yeah, the odds are his favorite. Guys like you and me, we have to, 60% we're in. They have to show us a tip, then we go for it.

Because we have no self-confidence. But there's guys that, even like their fucking wife, I've seen them, I've gone on the road with comics and I can't believe it. Like I've seen them bounce from one to another. No, no, no, no, no. At the end, they take somebody home who looks like Herman Munster.

But they took somebody to fuck home. I never know when it's happening. Girls would have to throw themselves. I have never happened, so I have no idea. Me either. But when I was growing up, I grew up around so many women. My mom, I would hit them and shit her chatter. I would hit them, shit her chatter.

I didn't pay attention, but I did pay attention. And I learned, like they would always go to me, when you get fucking older, do this with a woman. When you get older, do this with a woman. And they would coach me, don't fucking hit on everybody because you're not gonna fuck everybody. And women don't like those type of guys. Like I remember those things and I would look at them

like, what are you talking about? My mom would tell me, make sure you eat pussy. And all the women would go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eat a woman's pussy. And I would sit there like, why are you telling me this in front of these people? I remember my mom walking into a room full of men in a numbers operation.

You know what numbers and sports camming operation looks like? The phones? Yeah, there's only one woman in there. If you're lucky, 10 out of 10 times, they hire a guy to cook. That's how manly they don't want no mistakes. So in their minds, they don't want a woman around if somebody comes in shooting. It's for a lot of other reasons.

They need to stay focused. My mom would walk in there. You know, like they had a bedding operation downstairs, but the numbers were upstairs. The bank is upstairs. It's a blackboard with zero to nine. And then like, let's say somebody plays zero, 19, you put it up there and you put how much money.

And once it gets to a certain level, you scratch it off. But my mom would walk in those rooms. I was a little kid. And I'd see how they'd respect her and she would respect them. And you know, my mom always had like a little gun in her purse. So these motherfuckers knew and I was impressed. Like I'd see, as I got old,

I'd see women come into my mom's bar that they got barracudal on. I was fucking hysterical. And even as a young guy, I didn't want to be that guy. Like I knew. So when I meet a woman, when I was 22, I had two decisions to make. And that's every guy.

And you can't fuck everybody. You can't fuck everybody. So I think having a woman as a friend is such a great ally. I've always had tons of women as friends because they're such great allies. They'll go into the murky waters for you. If you go to a woman that's a cool woman and go, listen, I haven't been late in nine months.

What can you hook me up with? Sugar, let's go down to the bar. I'll get this party started for you. Let's do it. Wingman. Wingman. Sarah Tiano fucking call him over. What are you going to do tonight?

Suck his dick. He's a rate of fan. No, I had to start bragging about it. And you introduced me like, oh, hi. You know, I'll start talking to the girl and then I bring the guy over. And that's what made my life easier as a comic that, you know, at least that aspect of it.

I know guys that that's what they do. They just try to bang on the comics and shit. I feel like, like you, like for me, I have a lot of respect for men. And what I'm looking for is someone who I can respect, right? But when I say I can't find somebody like that, it is that generation of men who don't pay for dinner on the first day, you know, who, who don't place a phone call, who only text you who, like I dated a guy for a little bit who would like put my jacket on.

And it was like the nicest thing I thought had ever happened to me, you know, helped me down the stairs. I don't need help down the stairs, but the fact that you're considering me and making sure and looking out for me says volumes about how you look out for me in every single way. If you'll do it for this little tiny thing, just helping me down the stairs. And that's why it really bothers me when you're talking about feminism.

I don't know what it is. Yeah, I'm lost too. And men are lost too. And that, that's the biggest problem is that women have gone so far and they're like, I'm independent. I'm like, bitch, you don't pay your own rent. You ain't independent. You know what I mean?

Like being independent means like, I always tell a guy like, you know, if I want to be paying for dinner, I would be eating it alone. That's why you're paying for it because I'm here. We're spending time together. And if you can't take care of this one little thing, then you can't take care of nothing, can't take care of nothing. And like I showed up on time looking nice and I brought this here brain with me. So Annie up dealer.

Like I don't think that there's any other thing that needs to be said. Like you respect me enough to buy me dinner. I respect you enough to treat you like a fucking man. And that's what I think at the core of everything. When you say like, am I going to fuck her or not at the core of a woman's brain? It's like, am I going to respect him or not? Am I going to care enough about him to let him fuck me whenever he wants? Then I see the guys that are ultra nice.

Like I've seen those guys, like I've worked in places where women and a new girl comes and then everybody's very nice. I'm looking at these guys and I'm going up. I wonder how long this is going to last until they find out until she drops the bomb that she's engaged and all this shit goes away. Then you see the other type of guy. Like, and then the guy that does come around that woman, she really trusts. Because I know you're fucking engaged and guess what?

I'm married to. This is easy. We could be fucking friends. We could talk about anything now, but some people go fuck her. She's engaged. What do I got to deal with that bitch for? I can't fuck her with the fuck. You know what I'm saying?

It's really weird how we really think deep down inside. You know, people won't admit it. No, I know. Fans on Twitter, if I post a picture of a guy, zero likes, zero likes on Instagram, you know, and it might not even be a guy I'm dating. It might just be me and a guy friend. Yeah.

They're like, well, nobody wants to know that you have fucking boyfriends there. And it's like, oh, okay. Well, I thought like the whole goal here was just to like, let's all just have a good time in life. Lee's a gentleman. Lee's a religion. Lee really believes in the system. I love Lee to death.

I break his balls. Like last week, Lee's girlfriend got sick. He rubbed her toes. He went and got hands. I rubbed her toes. Don't fucking lie to me. I got the camera over there. He rubbed her toes.

He fucking, you know, took care of her and shit. And it takes, it just takes a man to treat a woman like a lady. It takes certain type of guys, you know, like break his balls. But the other side, I'm like, that could be my daughter. And I like that Lee's doing that. Even though I broke his balls about it. Yeah, that's what guys do.

I like that. I don't, I wouldn't want Lee to come to me and go, Doug, guess what? I'm fucking the neighbor and I'm going to San Jose with you so I can eat that girl's ass. What I like Lee, I'd still like him. I wouldn't want him around me. I'm like, I'm like,

those, those guys I never dug. I never dug guys that just always went for pussy around me. I'm like, Doug, you know, you can't hit on the fucking bartender. We come here constantly. Stop. Don't ruin it. Stop. You know, I would fucking drive me crazy when I was a kid.

And as it might be double standard, but when you think about it, I really look down more on female, on girls who cheat. Like when you think, like it's not even kind of worse. It seems like they're, it's like kind of even grosser. Because they have so many more options. I don't know. They're supposed to be like,

when you look at a girl, they're so pretty. Like they're so pretty. Like you don't think they can do something so mean. Oh, right. Yeah. Listen, the girl that comes to me and says to me, and I could say this into the mic, on the road, you have fucking weird situations.

You know, I always tell a joke about opacos. That's true that you could sleep with a girl on a Tuesday. And on Wednesday, Thursday, she come back to the show and introduce you to her husband. It was fucking crazy. It was the opacos. There's nothing you could do about that. There's nothing you could do about that.

It's the woman that you get involved with that you really, I don't know. For me, it's always been like, if you're cheating on your husband, what won't you fucking do? Yeah. For me, that's always like, yeah, I'll still be your friend or whatever.

But in the back of my mind, I'm like, you know what? If you're cheating on your husband, what would you do? What would you do to me? You know, you walk down the thing. Even with guys, I always thought that way. Like if you're cheating on your wife, what would you do to me?

And when you say cheating though, do you mean like consistently like repetition or just one time? You know, Sarah, there's something I believe in. I believe in something that's, since I was younger, I believe that I could go to a bar one night, Sarah, and bump into somebody. And for some reason, it's just a slip in my mind

and a slip in her mind. I'm not thinking about my daughter. I'm not thinking about Lee. I'm not thinking about anything. And you get away with it. You sleep with her one time and you get away with it. And then when you go back to where you live, she sends you a picture of pussy and you block her

and you move on with your life. You made a mistake and you acknowledge it. That happens, guys. That happens. Yeah. I think it's human. That happens. Okay.

But me calling Sarah every day, Sarah comes to my house, plays with my daughter in front of my wife. I'm picking up Sarah. That shit there, I don't get. I never got. This fucking idiot fucking the nanny. Yeah.

These idiots fucking the nanny. This guy right now is shooting himself in the leg, the singer from Bush. She's pregnant already. And that fucking dummy got pregnant. What the fuck? Yeah. Started, she's 46.

You know, you're just starting your musical career already, but she's got tons of fucking loot. You know, when you write your own song, sell them and publish them. There's so much fucking money there. But this guy was fucking the nanny right under her roof. What the fuck do you think a woman's going to do? A scorned woman is fucking a nightmare.

Is a nightmare. You talk about putting nails in your tires. Oh my God. You ain't parking in this state anymore. They put nails in your soul. Forget your fucking car. Sorry. What's a black chick who let the guy's car on fire

in that movie with Whitney Houston? People were like, oh my God, it was great. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's the damage they do to your soul later on. Like right now that guy's in hell. Not only did she leave him, she hooked up already, but now she's pregnant. They're probably going to get married.

You know, and she's going to dump this Miranda dude in fucking two years, Miranda's husband. Like Shelton. Yeah. He's a fucking moot. You could tell he's a fucking moot. Well, I just, I'm, yeah. Like I feel like when you're invested like mentally

in someone else, like that's not being a man. But I think that like, when I always go back to like saying like, you can't punish them. I can't punish a man for being a man. Like you're going to notice boobs. That's how you're wired. Like you're going to notice assets. And like you're going to want to do like man dude things.

Like, and you shouldn't punish me for being a woman. Like I'm going to cry when I read an old note. Like that shit's just going to happen. Like we're just built, we're different humans. So I feel like, I just feel like somewhere along the way in the feminism world, what happened is men started getting really confused about what they were allowed to do and what they're not allowed to do.

And women started punishing men for being men. Like opening the door, being taught like to be a gentleman. And like now men don't feel the need to, you know, be excel anymore. Like it was like, if you wanted to get like a perfect wife, you had to be like the perfect job and like be able to fix something at home and build a wall at the habitat for humanity place, you know, like stuff like that. What's sexist mean?

What does that mean? I don't know none of this shit. Cause I don't pay attention to it. Cause it's got nothing to do with me. I don't get this shit that we're going to invest this much time, but while we're talking about it, like I watched a movie a couple of days ago and he goes, move out of the way.

It's a fact that men are way better cooks than women. That statement kind of bothered me. You know what I'm saying? Like, is that being sexist? And you know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck. I don't get the upset about anything. But for a minute I was like, wait a second.

I think it would be sexist if they said only women can cook. That would be more sexist or like. I don't get that world. I don't get none of that fucking shit. I don't pay attention to it. I love the women I have in my life. You know, I try, I do anything for them. You know, I have a daughter.

I don't have contact with have a sister in Cuba. So I've always had a side side and my mom, my mom and her girlfriends beat me. Like when I was a kid, not beat me literally, but always when they had three cocktails and they go, come here for a second. When you get all the women in love, when you do this shit. You know, I would look at them like,

what the fuck are you talking about? I'm sex. What are you talking about? I don't even like women. I like you because you bring me lollipops. That's it. I don't like no fucking broads. You know me.

I like G.I. Joe. Did you guys hear about like the ways to do its time? Hashtag on Twitter a few, a couple weeks ago. Like these girls were doing these like things like, like they would do, make guys take them out to dinner and buy them things and then, and then tell them they don't want to date them. And it's like, it was like a suckers are born every day.

Yeah. There's guys that are not listening. When you date, I dated a stripper for four years. And I got to tell you something. She told me things that blew me away. Yeah. Blew me away. And this was a 95 way before the internet stuff.

I hear now the other day, the one you guys saying that some girl on, on a specific scope, periscope was fucking, you just, you tell people you're doing private dances. Oh. And they put money like a, Yeah. Okay. Paper view or pay about whatever the fuck.

So who was talking about? I don't know. There are two of them. One girl I saw was just like one of those cam girl. And she was saying, if you want to do a private periscope, which anyone can do, you had to send her an Amazon gift card to her email,

which is crazy. And they were probably rolling in. Oh, I'm sure they were. Yeah. That's insane. Then listen to this. Something's. Yeah.

The guy I kidnapped Vella with, Steven Tidwell. Yesterday, I was putting Mercy into the stroller and I turned around and I was waiting for my wife to come down the stairs. And every morning there's this fucking moron that walks a beautiful dog. This dog is one of those masters. He's got to be a buck 20.

Just adorable. Now I know from experience with dogs that after you see a dog six or seven times, guess what? Even if he wants to bite you, he wants to check you out. So I was by the gate. Mercy was 12 feet away and Terry was coming down the stairs and I see them over my shoulder. So when he gets over here, I look at the dog and I go,

Hey baby, how are you doing today? And I figured the guy's going to give me a smile though. He's a fucking Nazi. Uh-oh. This guy's living in one of those. He's probably in the mirror flexing, like whatever. And then as they get back, the dog is looking at me like, hold on dad, let me talk to this dude.

Let me sniff him. He fucking hit him. He got to look straight. I'm standing on my, oh shit. Then my wife comes down. We start walking and 20 feet later, my wife goes, did you see that? He just hit the dog again.

You know, that was the dude that I kidnapped. Like that dude was one of those dudes. He had a pit bull. You have to. He had a car with tinted windows. He had, and this is 87. He already had the tattoo, the earring, the plug in his nose. This guy did everything in the world for attention.

And he hung out at strip clubs. And the reason why he kidnapped Vella, his main reason, was because there was a girl he was in love with that was trying to get a divorce. It was a nude place, not a fucking panties on nude, when you bring your own alcohol. And the girl was like an eight. She was no fucking bargain.

And she was Catholic. So she needed to move in with, so this idiot moved her in, moved her into his bedroom. He lived on the couch and she would lock the door at night and she would go on dates. And she told him that when he gave a 10,000 for her divorce, that he would sleep, she would sleep with him and they could be a couple.

Oh my God. And he did it. He did. Yeah, he did it. He kidnapped, he kidnapped. Yes. Everybody had a main thing here. You always have, I don't know what they say in the actors world.

What do they call it? When you want to, what is the motive? Motivation. Yeah, what is your motivation? His motivation was to give this girl 10 grand so he could move into his own bedroom. And they could be a couple because she was Catholic. His own bedroom.

So she couldn't sleep with another guy until they broke the divorce because she was a Catholic girl. Meanwhile, she danced nude and gave lab dances and gave hand jobs back there for the small 20. You know, it was a fucking nightmare. Small 20. For the small 20. If you got 18, I'll still give you hand jobs.

You know what I'm saying? If it's a Tuesday, you got $18, fucking go. Yeah, I mean, there's definitely suckers born every day. Oh my God. So when you say that girls are doing that, it's awful, obviously, because what that does is it makes men scared to ever buy us dinner in the first place because they're like, this bitch is probably just wasting my time.

But if you're the one that's going to fall for that and keep buying girls stuff that are giving you nothing in return, then that means you have no respect for yourself. So I can't respect. I don't understand it. I've never understood that. Have you? No.

Have you guys heard about those campsites? No. Okay. Oh my God, Lee. How do you know about all this stuff? Well, because this guy is fucking the king of swing. No, because. So what's campsites?

Okay, okay. So there's these sites where people go and like, it was started out. Oh wait, there it is. Just girls and like they would like masturbate and stuff and guys would pay, would tip them. How? You would buy tokens and then the girls could turn the tokens into money. Okay.

But now there's one, bro. Now there's one with a couple. He's so high too. I'm very high. It's so funny to hear you discuss it when you can barely. Now I found one called chatterbait where there's one where couples do it. Okay, like swingers? No, not like swingers.

Like it'd be like a random person, boyfriend and girlfriend are just fucking for money and like people can request stuff. Like during the sex? Yeah. And like the people sell panties. It's really. Right, right. Duncan said on his block, there's a chick and wherever they live, Del Segundo.

What's that fucking crafty neighborhood down here? Los Feliz. Los Feliz. The neighbor would send people her socks and her underwear. Like if she ran in it, it was 35. If she just wore it when she slept on it was 25. She'd send you her socks for seven bucks a pair after she wore them and shit. Can you imagine paying somebody to sniff their underwear?

And don't get me wrong. I've gone to a woman's house having to sniff the fucking underwear. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, but you ain't ordered it in the mail. No, I ain't post it in handling and emailing the motherfucker, send me a pink pair. Oh my God. Imagine how often she has to go to the post office. Oh my God, that's so fucking crazy.

All right. When I was dating crazy Carol, one met her girlfriends with their boyfriends. Like these three strippers came to the show and two of them, the girls had boyfriends. And we went to eat and you know what they, they were a little wacky, but they weren't bad, you know? And three of the two of the girls are telling a story and the boyfriends are right there. And they were talking about this guy who had flown to Vegas and paid him 10,000 a piece. Like they negotiated heavy, didn't sleep with the guy, like danced for the guy with their fucking little bikinis on. None of them took their tops off.

The guy gave him 10 grand and expensive watches, like a three grand watch or diamonds or something. That shit has always fucking baffled me. Yeah. They was telling hours about guys who get paid and go right there. Like they, these girls worked in Seattle in a town by Seattle. So they waited for the, uh, the sailors to come back and they'd come back with thousands of dollars and go in there and these girls were telling stories. I was just crazy in this.

And the only thing I could see is these guys want to be taken. Nobody could be that fucking stupid. Nobody. Well, it's like, it must be just part of the fantasy. Like they really are fantasizing that this woman would actually, like this is what they can get. This is like, you know, it's like, I think how a woman like dreams that they can fix a guy. Like, yeah, that's ridiculous. Like, why would you ever really think that?

I went to a strip club for the first time after like 20 years, three weeks ago on a Sunday night after Christmas. I said, you know what, yeah, that's when you got to make it happen. I went to a strip club. The girl was beautiful. You know, it was bottomless and topless. I gave her like a yardstick. It was fucking tremendous. And I mean, like at the four minute mark, I don't care how Christian you are.

You want to eat her ass. You follow me, just sit back on, get that thing up here. How fucking sniff it. I want to bite it, whatever the fuck it is. You really do, you know, you do the same. If you went to a hot strip club and some guy had a fucking 10 inch dick, after about four inches, that thing swinging by your face, you grab that mother fucking go, you know, at least let me sniff it.

Something, something in my hand for later. Something. Yeah, you all get crazy. But the effect wore off. And once it wore off, I couldn't wait for her to fucking get off me. Like the last three minutes or four, 10 minutes was just a waste. Like I was like, why are we still doing this? It's just, you know, nothing is going to happen.

This is, you know, and she was very nice. And if I go back there, I'm going to have her. I'll go back on a Sunday night to watch her dance. She was great. She was fucking great. She smelled great. You know, she was beautiful. She was rushing.

But it's not like I went back to the next day with a fucking bottle of scotch. Then the next day I went back and followed her like that. That helps players club. I went to see play players club was on the end of that. I'm B.T. One Luther King day and I watched it and fucking one of the guy at the end. The guy is hiding in the bushes. I paid you a lot of money.

You might as well give me something. She slammed the door on him and she didn't pull the gun or some shit. So those cycles exist. How are you feeling, Leo? All right. I'm doing what are you going to eat when you get out of here? What are you fantasizing about? I think I'm going to get some Mexican after I pack up.

Oh, that sounds good. All right. Let me give some shout outs here. Yoast Parish, Big Mike, Sippinon, Orcada, Clint, Christensen, Sean, Perthay, Corey. I don't know. Brett Mallon, Rob Bradley and Sam Coyle. It's Corey Perthay and Sean Pence. I don't know my fucking spelling when I smoked reefer.

I was in a rush this morning. You know what I'm saying? But that's why I always watch in a way because once you told me that story, about your dad and stuff, I've always tried to be, when I was first married, when I got married at 25 or 26, it was horrible. It was horrible. It was horrible. I'm the fucking honeymoon and it just didn't go away.

And once the kid got there, it was even fucking worse. Like I had a failed marriage and as a Catholic, like for me in my world, it felt terrible. Like I don't know what I was more upset about her or that I had gotten the divorce, like the divorce and then bad credit came. Like I was fucking mad. So when all this went on with Terry and the baby, like when my wife first told me she was pregnant, I gotta be honest with you guys.

I wasn't too fucking happy about it. I didn't want to go through that shit again. You know, it was hard. It's my number one enjoyment. It's what keeps me sane. And it's the little things like people get mad at me like, Joey, why don't you do this at seven o'clock? Listen, man, I got this thing.

Like I'm going right from here to pick her up at school. And from the minute we pick her up, this fucking drama in the car, you know, go this way, go this way. The skatties, hot dogs, he already knows the roots. Tell me get to the fucking house. But when I look at her and I talk to her, even before you came on the podcast, I go, what's the most important thing I could teach Mercy? If I die tomorrow, what's the most important thing?

Respect the men. And then that's the only way you get men to respect you. And if you chopped their shit off, like my mom, I saw at the bar many a night, stop guys in their tracks and say, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, listen, look at me. Listen, I respect you. You fucking respect me. Oh, this is going to get fucking ugly in this motherfucker. And I saw it and I saw it calm down guys.

But if a woman doesn't stand her ground from day one, it's all over. And I seen it at the store. I seen, oh my God, I seen women come and go at the fucking store. You see it. You see it. You see it in the beginning. I look at them and go, this bitch ain't going to last in here. Walking around with that little cup blouse.

It ain't going to work out. I don't care how many fucking boyfriends she's got. You can just tell because they walk on a tightrope too. They play a little bit of a regular game too. So once you're playing a fucking game, but back to you and your dad, now I got to go home and build shit. Now you made me feel better. No, no, no, you do not.

I'm gonna have to go and make a fucking cabinet and shit out of fucking bamboo papers. Well, my mom and dad, like my dad just took care of everything on the outside of the house and my mom took care of everything on the inside. That was always their agreement. So he would build stuff on the outside and bring it in. How were the holidays for you this year? They were awesome. I got to be with my dad and my mom back in Georgia.

It was awesome. How was the weather? It was hot actually. It did not feel like Christmas. It was awful. But I got my dad a Falcons football signed by the whole team. He was pretty geeked out about it. It was pretty cool.

What did you think of the national championship game then? Oh, man, yeah, I was gonna come on. And I said, fuck it, when we enjoyed the game, because just by the tone of your voice, I could tell you were really gonna fucking enjoy it, not like other people. I was like... She bets a yardstick and shit, you know what I'm saying?

It was one of the best game ever. I got hamburgers for the game. Yeah. Did you go back to Stout Burger, fucko? No, not yet. I go with Stout Burger. Stout Burger, so good. Oh, Stout's really good.

I didn't know. I had no idea. I love a good burger, but when it tastes like that, that makes me go crazy. I got the one with pancetta on it last time. It was so good. He got the Italian one. No, you got mozzarella and something else.

And we have pancetta. You got the guido. Pancetta. I got the regular one. I can't do all that stuff. I like my burgers simple. Oh, my God. The onion ring is in the fries of mozzarella.

Not bad, but that's what kills you. The cheeseburger, don't kill you. It's the fries in the fucking blue cheese. The cheese. I'll tell you what, even if you have a cocktail, that don't kill you. You have a cocktail with a good stout, like a good beer with a hamburger.

That's good for the muffler, you know what I'm saying? That's good for the stagazzi. You want that fucking Jewish stick to be hard, don't you? A muffler. I'm going to use that word so much more often, and then everybody's going to say, you stole that from Uncle Joey. I'll say, put your hands in the muffler.

Don't be going back there, Lee. You're doing a little dirty Jew. That was pretty funny what Kathleen Madigan said about Oprah that she turns into a Nazi. Kathleen Madigan had an album. I don't know which one it was, guys. In 2000, I did a 12-week triple one. I had three CDs.

That was one of the CDs, and I listened to it, and I studied it. She's great. She's fucking great. She's really great. I'm happy that she blew up. I still remember Summer on 98. You ready for this one? You know that she used to take Ron White as her feature act?

No. Hilarious. When Ron White went missing, Ron White became a star in a weird way. There was a time when people loved the improvs, loved Ron White because he drew, but they only gave him two grand a week. He would fucking pack them in because he was so funny.

But Ron White, when they hooked up with some rich white chicken, moved to Mexico. So they would call every comic. You'd get a call once a year from the Improv of Versailles. Sarah, this is whatever from the Improv. Do you happen to have his number and how we get it? It was fucking... There were two comics that the Improvs were looking for.

There was this kid out of Cleveland that the Improvs used on the East Coast. That was phenomenal, but they talked them into feature. So he was in demand. They'd give him two weeks, like 650 to feature, and the kid featured himself to debt, and nobody would headline them. The kid's finally like, listen, I'm fucking headline.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. But Ron White, one of the times before Ron White blew up, I stormed him being at the last stop in Houston behind the whole last lap stop on the side and smoking dope with John Westling, like six of us outside. And Ron White was about to go up. The MC was on. Do you know what I'm saying?

The MC, Ron White was the feature, and Kathleen Madigan was the fucking headline. And that's who, I guess she really liked him, and he liked her. So fucking amazing where this shit goes. Yeah, so many different turns. Yeah, and you're young, and all this shit's happening for you. Where are you going next?

What cities are you going to next? Well, I'm going to San Francisco Sketch Fest tomorrow. Well, I'm going to have a show in Roaner Park at Sally Tomatoes, and then I go to Minneapolis and Edmonton and Arlington, Virginia, Salt Lake City, and Richland, Washington or something. Yeah, it's a weather place. Richland, Washington.

Yeah, there's some club up there. The Laugh Shop there. Richland, Washington always had a club. I once met a girl in Richland, Washington. You know, I love this, right? I always love them. Home. When I lived in Seattle, when I lived in Seattle,

when you're a comic, you work Richland. It's the tri-states, the tri-cities. You work Richland. You work Portland. You work Idaho. You work Moscow, Idaho. You work the Boise, Funny Bone at that time. Boise had a cool fucking Funny Bone.

The chick thought she was the next comic at comedy. She's sucking dick somewhere now. Fuck, you know? Oh, yes, I know. I really fucked you. Sure. There was just these cool clubs. There was a Mexican restaurant, Los Margaritas,

in motherfucking Portland, like an hour, like 45 minutes out of Portland. Oh, my God, at least I had. Los Margaritas, but Richland had this great, it was called the volcano room. McCain, they paid for your travel. It was no dough, but they gave you 20% off the whole weekend at the kitchen.

And the kitchen was okay. And I did it. I used to love doing it because it was three days. It was a four-hour drive from Seattle. And well, the last times I went there, I hooked up with this girl, real cute. Then I started moving, you know? Moved along, not too fast.

You know, we cuddled the first night. And then she left. And then I was living with Josh Wolf. It's the, it's new. It's a, it's 4th of July, 1996. And me, Josh, the two kids and Malia, his wife at the time, were going to a 4th of July festival. And this girl called me out of the blue that morning.

And she goes, what are you gonna do? I have a few days off of work. And I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Come on to Seattle. She showed up, real sweet girl. I really liked the Sarah. Like I was lonely. I'm like, this is going to work out.

I really like this girl. And I'm no fucking Jim Magoo. You know what I'm saying? I'm no handsome. I'm no fucking Jax from Sons of Hanukkah. This chick was like a fucking eight. She was really cute. She had a good job.

Everything was going great. You know, we were swapping spit, boom. Took her home. No sex. You know, I respect her. I think we didn't have sex like a week later. But the point of the story is, she had a thousand of those things on her back.

Little moles. Those things that grow out of your skin. Those mold. Is it a mold? They grow out of your skin. Are they dark? No, no, no. Yeah.

Hair. And then no hairs on them. No pimples. Furthermore? No, it's like a mold. A freckle? It's like a freckle that lives above the skin. Yeah, yeah.

Those are moles. It could be a wart, but not really. Yeah. And they grow. And then she had them everywhere. All over her back. This girl had a great body. But her back drove me crazy.

It was like the thousand little snake heads were back there. You have no idea. Whenever we would have sex this way, I would go bling-blong. Like it was just like I was rubbing. It was fucking hot. She was such a sweet girl. I'm so embarrassed about this. But the fucking, it wasn't pimples on the back.

It was those moles. She had millions of them. Yeah. Oh, man. And she was a sweet girl. And she couldn't leave her family. You know, it was just like, I moved to L.A. and she couldn't leave her.

Leah's going deep on a Wednesday. Out of respect for the last fucking Wednesday at this walk this week. You were fucked up there. You went back to like a Led Zeppelin concert where they were giving out yamikas in the 70s. Look at you, Lee. I love it when he gets that fucking out.

And then I moved to L.A. and we talked a couple of times. But I couldn't get over this. Yeah, you can't get over it. We traveled on the road with me. She went through a couple of dates with me. And we did San Francisco. I auditioned for the contest. We did Santa Cruz.

We drove back. We went to Ashland, Oregon. I mean, she was fun. But I think she wanted to get married and shit. Like, you know, she was talking about marriage and kids. And I'm like, listen, I'm moving to L.A. You know, no matter how you cut this, I'm moving to L.A. like fucking.

So if you want to come, you can be my wife down there. But I'm not staying up here. And we talked a few times. It's amazing the people you meet on the road along the way. At least I am. Aren't you fucking happy with me? Give me the fucking sheet where you're sitting there in Samboland. All right.

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And I want to thank nature box. I want to thank my girl Sarah Tiana for coming on. I miss you. It's good to be seeing you at the store and stuff. But down there, you know, when you go to the store, and I didn't, I'm not saying this because I'm a jerk off. I'm telling you what people have been telling me. And somebody brought it to my attention.

You know, when you first got, when I first got to the store, you heard about the Jim Carrey days and the Kenison, the Dice days. And they seemed like that would never happen again. Well, guess what? It's happening again. All over again.

And it's not the old people. It's just new crop of comics from Chris Delia to yourself to Tony Hinchcliffe to, uh, I like Adam Ray, you know, Mike Costa, these guys, Theo Vaughn, you go down there and you fucking get, I saw Steve Byrne destroying that motherfucker the other night. Meanwhile, last night, Chapelle's on in the fucking main room, Ari's having a show down there.

It was just, uh... The other night, I was, Arsenio brought up Norm MacDonald and Norm MacDonald brought up Ron White. They all popped in. I mean, it was amazing. It's amazing. It's, it's, it's just something and we're being a part of it. Yeah, I can't believe it.

When 20 years from now, kids will go up there going, fucking Saratiana just heard that podcast with Joey, that's fucking amazing. Yeah. Lee, what's up with you, baby? How's the new podcast going? I'm proud of you.

You're putting your shit together. I really, I really am having a good time with Johnny Rock. With Johnny Rock. That's a good combination. Yeah, he's, he's a really good guy. He's, uh, 20... Johnny Rock, I'll tell you how deep I go back with Johnny Rock. He brought me up on our first CD together.

I know, yeah. It's either you or the priest. How fucking deep do I go back with Johnny Rock? That's so crazy. I told him, get in the car, go down it, do 10 minutes in front of me. What's that mean? Muscler deep.

That's right. And you know what he's doing today? He's driving all the way up to Rooster Tea Feathers and then he's gonna come back tonight. Wow. Oh my goodness. He's got a lot of heart on the frame. That's what it's all about here.

Listen. So the podcast is called Life and Neutral. Knife and Neutral on iTunes, correct? Yes, and Stitcher and Everywhere. The next time you see us, motherfuckers, there'll be brick behind us. We'll look even handsome than what we are right now.

And that's all I can tell you guys. Thank you very much for supporting the church. Thank you for supporting the Savage Dad Tour. Starts next Thursday and Charlotte. Proceeds to follow on week February 4th. In St. Louis Moe with Joey Filato be there. He's cooking chicken cutlets with fucking black beans and rice.

North Bergen style. So fuck it, cock-suck. Because I love you guys. Have a great weekend. Always remember, they could all suck your dick at the end of the day. You gonna put music on Lee? You gonna sit there like a mama look of the year?

You're slipping. Oh my God, he's so stoned. Yes, he is. That's how we do it here on the church. We ain't got time to fiddle, pal. This show is brought to you by me and these. Me and these is the world's most comfortable underwear. And when you go to meandthese.com slash Joey right now,

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all the great optimization products. Oh, I'm begging of you, please don't take my man. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, please don't take him even though you can. Your beauty is beyond compare. Reclaim the loss of all burning with ivory skin and eyes of emerald green. Your smile is like a breath of spring skin is soft

like summer rain and I cannot compete with you, Jolene. And I could easily understand you could easily take my man, but you don't know what he means to me, Jolene. And he talks about you in his sleep, there's nothing I can do to keep him crying when he calls your name. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, please don't take him even though you can. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, please don't take him

even though you can. I had to have this talk with you. My happiness depends on you, whatever you decide to do, Jolene, and you could have your choice of men, but I could never love again because he's the only one for me, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, but I'm begging of you, please don't take my man. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, please don't take him even

though you can. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene.