Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #350 - Bobby Lee

Episode Date: January 26, 2016

Bobby Lee, Comedian, actor, and host of the "TigerBelly" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Ring: Go to ring.com/church to get Free expedited FedEx shipping. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Music: I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet    

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It's white. It's like almost like twilight white, you know what I mean? What's happening you bad motherfuckers Monday January 25th the day the devil was buried at sea we're backing on the church with our guest tonight my main man Bobby Lee and the assistant the main man the king of swing the Jew with the pew fucking Lisa yeah what's happening people. I'm happy to be here. The new studio.

I'm happy to be here. That's right. I'm working on my impression of you. I'm happy to be here. Everyone does that impression of me. I don't think I sound like that but okay. No you don't. Is that what you do when you fuck?

Oh yeah. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be here. It feels good. Sometimes. He is happy to be here. He worked on it. You're a good guy dude.

Don't be offended man. I want to thank you. I love you Bobby. You're always nice to me. I want to thank Kevin for putting the studio together. From Afterbuzz. Afterbuzz. He did a great fucking job.

He really did. He came in and busted his balls with Papa. This is a nice place right here man. Nice walking distance. It's new. There's new spirits in here. We got the turntable. We got fucking everything.

What's up with you brother? I'm good dude. I just got back from Cleveland bro. I was to Cleveland. It was good. The audience is great but dude check it out dude. The Labyrinthies. Yeah dude.

Great club. So this manager Saturday. No. Yeah Saturday comes up and goes here's a note and some dude called in during the day. He said here's my review on Bobby's set. Right. So he put he's disgusting. I have it on my Twitter actually.

I'll read it to you. Oh sorry. Yeah. First of all you don't give that to the comic do you? No. A review. You just let it go. I was going to kill myself.

Was it the owner or the manager? It was the manager. He was new and then the clock dude. The manager. The owner Nick yelled at him. You know Nick's a good dude. Nick's a good dude. He's a good.

He's one of my favorites. He's like 75 years old. This guy's out there wrestling Puerto Rico. And he's strong. Yeah. He don't give a fuck. So here's why did I give feedback on Bobby Lee's show? Found him to be very obscene, crude and tasteless.

Very nice. Those are good words. Yeah. But dude it's like why would you call during you know out of you to put the time in to do that? And someone wrote it down at the club. And then a club and then if somebody wrote it down at the club why would you write it down?

And then why would you give it to me? Like here here's your day is going to be fucked. Listen to this. You know what I mean? It's like it hurts your feelings. You still get your feelings hurt dude. Like last week I was in Irvine improv and 12 women got up and just walked out five minutes in my set.

Do you know why? Why? Because these are 12 women who met at a support group because their kids all have down syndrome and my first three minutes were about down syndrome. And so they got up and left. Did they yell? No, but then they they could they got their money back from the club and then the manager tells you after the show and it makes you feel like shit it's like I don't have anything

against their kids. Every time I'm with Joey and someone walks out you just laugh. You love it. I laugh. You do. Yeah. You got to push some of these buttons. You have to.

You have to. Yeah. You have to you know it's like Brad Pitt said to make an album again and break some eggs. So sometimes you got to hurt somebody's fucking feelings. Yeah, but why would you come out right you just you look at my photo right I'm naked in the photo. You know what I mean? Like a Bobby Lee this weekend and then 12 older white women you know who have downs

bit babies. You know what I mean? They all come and enjoy my they they know something's going to be said like if you don't have 90 sets on YouTube like take the time to look at your YouTube. Yeah. Like if I was if I came to your show and I go wow I'm a Christian he swore a lot. Well that's my bad. I mean I didn't know he was Puerto Rico or whatever you know what I mean or Cuban whatever

you are. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. You know what I mean? You've called me Chinese before. I always know you're Korean. Oh you do? Yeah.

Oh what a good guy man. You're a good guy. You're a good dude. Listen you could you're going to expect people to get upset especially in today's society and especially in the society we live in people going to get accepts but what I don't understand is it's like a movie trailer before you go to the movie you know there's some fucking in the movie or there's not a you know it's PG or same thing with the club. Same thing with YouTube.

You just go on YouTube and look at the comic and oh I recognize them from mad TV or from some fucking movie or whatever you know. Yeah. But my thing is is that I have a door deal. I don't give a fuck if they left but they get their money back right. I'm Asian. I want my money. You want your money?

Yeah. That was like that's like twenty two dollars or twenty five bucks. Even if they just saw three minutes fuck them you want your money fuck you I want my fucking twenty five bucks. I'm from the other oh listen if they want to leave leave you want your money back take the fucking money back you made a mistake. But mostly these people in today's society go home write a review on Yelp send you a fucking email tell you how I had a guy that sent me a thing from Vegas because that was

the fucking dirtiest show I've ever seen and he put word something from Cosby. Oh is that what he said? That's what he wrote to me and I'm like Cosby rape fucking women you dirty dumb fuck. So you know that's you know it just listen you're not going to please everybody all the fucking time. Somebody's going to get upset. It's so bad when death squad guys come to my shows and bring their wives and they're like we love it.

You could see the girls are like I don't even know why fuck came here. This is crazy. He's talking about eating my ass and breaking into somebody's house and eating their pussy. So I know most women are sitting there going what the fuck but they love their men you know and they tolerate that shit because it makes them happy you know. But the thing is is that we don't think what we're saying is wrong. Like you know I do I have a bit about like a tie hook or eating my butthole right. And then my girlfriend was like you know my mom was in the audience and I just don't think

you should have told that joke. I go what's wrong with it. Like I don't know that it's wrong but I guess what is it wrong. It's not wrong. It's just that they don't they're offended by it or that it makes them weird. You have to understand when a Midwestern white person or whatever right they go to school they have they have church on Sundays right they go to work from nine to five you know I mean they have kids they don't know anything about that.

So when I'm bent over on a stool and this Asian lady is eating my butthole right. Like to me that's every day you know I mean I think about that every day yeah that's my life it's lifestyle you know I mean but to them it's like oh shocking you know I mean there's no man in America that doesn't want his butthole eating okay you said it I love it. Oh man I'll say to you you know what I really don't enjoy when a woman licks my asshole that guy you just walking through the field do you like eating butthole. I like eating that I like my asshole eating but who am I going to talk to eat my ass you

know what I'm saying. I got to talk like a fucking mule to eat my ass. Like a mule or a cat to lick my ass. You don't seem like you have a dirty ass it's probably just a big butthole. It's disgusting. Anybody's asshole is disgusting. Yeah that's my whole point that's why I'm not. It's delicious.

Oh my god. Everybody's like it's purple and like bulbous is yours bulbous. Mine looks like a black person's foot it's pink and fucking it looks like it's stepped on a firecracker. Yeah. Like a black dude stepped on a firecracker. Yeah. Mine's cute.

Mine's cute. Mine's cute. It's like pink and very tight. My poop looks like angel hairpasta. You know it just comes out like a little tin of noodles. That's disgusting. I know. That's disgusting.

Thank you man. No but you know think of if a guy walks out of a show there's no man in America if a woman drops to her knees and says I want to lick your ass or I don't believe in that. Yeah. Let me lick it. Well you first of all no woman's going to tell you she's going to lick your ass. She's just going to stick her tongue in there and you're going to hit the fucking your eyeballs are going to hit the third eye.

Is that really what happens it's like the first time your girlfriend doesn't eat your butthole. No. No. Look at me right now. No. Why not? Why not?

Because I don't want her to. That's on you. That's on you. That's on you. You got to look in the mirror and get the question yourself man. Okay. Listen I'm a big good I'm a big dude. There's no way.

Even after a shower like today I took a shower and then immediately had to take a shit. So that's me too. It's never clean. Let me too. But then how do you have a girl lick it? The thing is is that if they love you they'll do it you know like I love my girlfriend you know I've done it you know and it's not you know there's like a taste you know a residue is it residue?

Of shit. But no but you don't know what shit for yeah but shit doesn't taste like shit it smells like shit when you eat shit it doesn't taste like shit. Really? What does it taste like? It tastes like. Like the food you ate. Yeah.

No it doesn't. It tastes like the food you ate before. It's only brown now. With the taste of intestines. That same chicken cordon blue you ate at night tastes the same way as shit. In fact when you taste shit you'll say to yourself fuck it's the steak I ate at Ruth It's only brown and with the taste of intestines and grass it doesn't taste like it. I've never eaten shit but I smell my finger after you scratch your asshole.

So when you lick the girl's butthole you never tasted shit? If I do what do I care? What do you care? It's a part of the game. That's part of the game. It's a game. It's Vietnam. I'm going deep.

What do I care what it tastes like? Have a machete. Yeah once you go down there what do you care? Right. Exactly. I don't know blow jobs and sex are good enough for me man. I don't know. But you gotta get freaky from time to time.

That's freaky enough. Let me ask you this. Do you go down on your girl? Absolutely. You do? Absolutely. And you don't travel south? Nope.

So you use the DMZ line you just stop there? I cross the DMZ line. Of course you look at it because it's there but it's like... What are you going to do? Not look it's there. During doggie you look at it but I'm not going to stick anything. Have you ever seen your own asshole? I've never seen mine.

When you go to... How? When you go to... Colonoscopy? Colonoscopy they send you pictures of the camera three inches from your asshole going in. Oh I never got that test. You gotta do it.

You're not 50 yet. Oh okay. When you turn 50 they make you do it. They do that. SAG makes you do it. So this is the first time you ever saw it? That's yeah you know. You had a high depth video.

I mean one night I was going up and I put like a little mirror back there to see what was going on. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But yeah SAG will make you get the camera up the ass and also they'll send you an envelope and you gotta put a piece of shit in there and mail it in. You gotta be kidding me. I swear they got it.

A little. 50. Wait, wait, wait. They give you a little envelope with a little stick. Yeah. They give you a shit and take the stick and put it in the envelope seal it and mail it to them. And what do they do with that?

They test the insides every like three years just to make sure you're fucking... You don't swallow... Seriously. You don't shit like that. Yeah. I ain't 50 yet so maybe it'll be... I can't wait. 50?

50? 49 they call you. I can't wait. Kaiser called me when I was 49. SAG just gave me the envelope again to take a shit. The fact that it was up here, I left it here because it was in my bag and... You still have the envelope? It's around here somewhere.

It was in the old office before I moved it. Jesus. Do you work on TV films? What are you doing these days? Well, I'm doing that love thing which is like Judd's thing but I'm only on three episodes and I did an independent movie that Universal just bought what I'm excited about but other than that I'm just hitting the road hard, you know what I mean? I'd like to talk about, you know what I mean, the John Caparillo situation.

Absolutely. Before we get on John Caparillo, I want to tell you something as your brother, you have gone from one step to another in stand-up, like you're stand-up now, it's the best it's ever been. You were killing me about two weeks ago. You're a fucking beast, bro. I've been watching you and I'm like, this guy changed completely that fucking one bit about the Irish movie that you do, I love that, the fucking jungle gook with the Filipinos.

I still laugh at that. I called my Filipino friends and told them and they're like, fuck him. Yeah. You bring that up every few months, like when they get you, like Bobby Lee calls Asian jungle gook. I love it. Jungle Asians, not jungle gook, bro. Jungle Asians, jungle Asians.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because my girlfriend's a jungle Asian. That's why you say that. Yeah, that's why I say that now. I think I can say that now. Yeah, but once we break up, then I can't say it no more. You can't say it no more. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's funny now, you have the, what's the girl Wong about the store? Who's Wong? The dirty girl from Chelsea? Alley Wong? She has had a baby? Alley Wong. And she was saying the other day, you know, I'm Chinese and something and my husband's Japanese and something and we sit at home and talk about Filipinos or whatever.

Yeah. I love her. I love her. That joke about that. She had to have a kid because a pussy wasn't getting moist anymore. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm sitting in the back room.

What the fuck? Alley Wong's right talking about it. You know what's great about the store now, though, is that since you and Joe have come back. No, everybody. It's just. No, fuck, listen to what the fuck I'm saying. You listen to what the fuck I'm saying.

Yeah, I'm going to give you a compliment, right? But you have to understand it came. You came with the new changes, right? Because I've been there since the dark ages. I never left, right? So I've seen it, you know, grow. I've seen it destroyed and it's better now than it's ever been. What was the first time you stepped foot?

I would. I went to the first time of Hollywood club in 1996. Wow. Yeah. And I was young. I was a kid. I did a belly room show and I got a couple of laughs and I called my mom, like, I'm going to make it.

You know, I remember Dante being there, you know, Dante, the comic, if you want. Yeah. Yeah. And he goes, you did a good job. Fuck Dante. And I'm never going to talk to that guy again. Okay. He fucked me.

I'm going to talk about that later. Okay. But aside from that. Yeah. So I was 96 and I moved up here in 98 and I got a doorman job and it was rough for two years of just struggling. It was like, I remember one time I was sleeping out of my truck because I was like between places to live and Jimmy Schubert during the day knocked on my window, I was sleeping

in my truck and he goes, Hey kid, uh, you hungry? I go, Yeah, I'm going to buy a sandwich. Jimmy Schubert walked me down the street to greenblats and he bought me a sandwich and I'll never fucking forget it. You know, it's that kind of fucking shit that I never forget. Man, you know, guys did that to a guy. I go a couple of times and that's why, I mean, people don't like Mencia and I understand why.

But he was very good to you. But for me, he bought me a fucking car. Like I didn't do anything. He was, I was his opener and he goes, Hey dude, here's a car. You know what I mean? It wasn't new. It was his sister's, his girlfriend's sister's car, but still it's like, they didn't have to do that.

You know what I mean? I've had that relationship with Carlos, you know what I mean? But the whole time when I was opening for him, yes, you saw that he lifted bits, you know what I mean? But I would defend him because of the fact that he did so much for me. I was so poor and the agent that I have now is because of Carlos. You know, I'm still with Matt, you know, and it's like, you know, I am loyal, you know, and when that shit went down, I was divided because I love Joe Rogan.

Joe Rogan and I are very good friends. I love him. I'm friends. I've been to his house. You know, you know, I love the guy. He's a great guy, but I was caught in the fucking middle of this fucking war. It was the worst two years of my life, seriously. Because when that video came out that Joe, you know, Joe exposed Carlos with the Bill

Cosby thing, you remember that? Yeah, you were very uncomfortable. I was in that video. So you know what he did? Carlos made me do a rebuttal video. So I was, because I remember Matt TV was right next to Mind of Mencia and it was during the last couple of years of mad and he caught me on set, right? He, his brother, his brother and Albert, they sat me down and they go, you're going to do

this rebuttal video that he doesn't steal. And then when that went out, oh my God, I had death threats for a year. From comics, I want to fucking kill you. You're never going to work again. I mean, I would, it was crazy, dude. So it was a really fucking difficult time, dude. I'll tell you, I knew I met Carlos in the summer of 94 on the HBO Latino local slam tour.

Yeah. I had fucking eight minutes of material and I got picked to open for him to do five minutes. I'll never forget that night because I had the kid who gave me a drive, a ride, brought his girl. He was from Brooklyn. Like, you know, the movies you see from Brooklyn, like he was from Brooklyn and the girl he brought from Brooklyn was from Brooklyn and he would tell it, shut the fuck up and sing.

Is it in the middle of nothing? In the middle of nothing. We were driving. He would go, Coco, this is Janice. Say hello to Coco. And then we got in the car and he's like, where are we going? Denver to this place. And on the way, she would say, I love the mountain.

Shut the fuck up and sing. I told you to sing and she would sing. She would sing like a disco song and he would tell her, shut up, bitch. Keep talking. Then she would sing for two. Then she would say something again. He'd go, what did I just tell you? Sing a fucking song.

It was supposed to be a singer, Coco. And she would sing in the car in the way that it was fucking horrible. The girl was horrible. He kept telling her, don't worry. I'm going to make calls for you. I'm going to make you a star. Just keep fucking singing. What were you doing as she was singing?

Just sitting in the back. Dying in the back. Just dying. But I took Carlos's number and I called him after that and he was very good to me. When I got to the store, Carlos was one of the ones that made a call for me to be a regular at the store. So I too was in the middle of that. You know, I knew Carlos for the longest time.

Yeah. Well, I mean, it can't be what are you doing? That was his number then. Oh, yeah. Six. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. Where is he? Worthy Patterson. Yeah. He's still around. His kids are grown and stuff. I think he works for another bigger management firm.

I don't know how well he's doing, but yeah, Worthy bought us meals because we couldn't eat. Couldn't eat. Do you believe that shit? I mean, it's just because someone steals jokes and because they're a bad, they do bad things professionally. It doesn't mean they're a bad person. I mean, I mean, it does.

But in comedy though, you know, I mean, I can understand why people, I mean, that's always why it always shocks me when people who do stuff like that are also assholes. Like, if you're going to, if you're going to do shitty things, be a nice person, at least try to be a nice person on other aspects of your life. Listen, it's funny because I was thinking about this today because all the Amy Schumer stuff, the allegation came out today that I was sitting there thinking to myself. Who was the allegate? Somebody, she stole another sketch for his show.

I'm sitting there going, you know, I still remember when somebody came to me and said to me about Carlos and they said a couple of things they wanted to do to him. I said, listen, you're not going to accomplish nothing with smack on this kid. I'll never forget this. I said, what you need to do is let him do what he's doing and eventually he'll kill himself. You know, I didn't mean it in a bad way because I'm a thief. I'm a real thief.

I know it is to put a gun to somebody. I know it is to break in somebody's window, but I would never rob somebody's joke. I knew the price I paid when I was thief and I know the prices I paid. I could name 20 of them, the price I paid. So you always pay for your fucking sense. You know, when I first started in the business, the biggest joke thief on the world was Robin Williams. Everybody told you, even when I started in 91, that was the biggest thing people would

tell you. He's a fucking joke thief. He paid people off like Steven Pearl. He stole from Brian Bradley. You know, so you have to think to yourself, didn't this guy kill himself? You know, it's something that's really weird. I'm going to ask Bobby Lee a question. This is going to be the weirdest question.

Bobby Lee of tonight, God forbid, and this is a big God forbid you're on your way to heaven. What? And you made your decision. You made your decision. I'm just saying. Like if I, if I, kill myself. No, no, no.

You never killed yourself. Let's pretend if I die. And I think of this whole comedy game on the way up and what I really got from comedy game. Audiences, it wasn't the money. It wasn't the ability to make people laugh. To me is what you said when somebody did give you a car, when my car broke down in Nebraska and some girl picked me up and gave me a ride to the gas station and stopped and bought

me food. When Bobby Lee gave me, huh, I went up to Bobby one night and go, Bobby, I'm broke. And he gave me, huh, I was out of his pocket and never asked me for a Joe Rogan who hated cocaine, hated cocaine, a couple of nights and got to the point where I needed money. I go, Joe, I need money. And he go, and they give it to me, Ralph, you may, you know, the people who take care of you without you even asking, he gave you a car. There's so many great lessons I've learned from comedy, so many great fucking lessons

that you sit there and go, holy fuck, you know, holy fuck. And here I thought it was going to be this and look how nice this was, you know. You don't get there by yourself. Never. It's impossible. Never, never. You look back of like who got you, you know what I mean, audition for a club or who put in a good word for you.

I mean, all the little tiny fucking things, right? You can't just do it by yourself. You need people. You need people that are ahead of you that have some sort of power. And that's why I do it now. It's like, if you want a commercial agent, I know the dude, my dude, you know, from Aqua. He's a Korean dude. The Korean.

That's the man. That's the man of steel. I help, you know, I do it, you know, not because I'm a good person. It's because that's the way the thing is supposed to fucking work. You know what I mean? You got to help people without any young comics. We have nothing. We have nothing.

We have nothing. I tell all the time. Those young comics are going to keep me in chicken college when I'm 70. Yeah. They're all going to, when they're all stars, they're going to go, I don't complain my grandpa. This kid, Jack Knight, who I had me, I had him open a year ago in La Brea, La Brea improv. Comedy Central came out to see me, right? Didn't like my act, but they liked him.

He was a kid, black kid, right? He gave him like three shows, you know, like, you know, Adam Devine's Beach Party, whatever that was. And now Chappelle's using him as an opener. And Jack is like, is that all right with me? I'm like, dude, I want you to fucking do it. When I saw you a year ago, right? He only had 15 minutes, right?

He's 21 years old. He's a cute, black, very good writer, right? I'm like, I know it's going to happen for you. Yeah. So go fly, you know, without them, we got nothing. And that's why when John went crazy, you know what I mean? Caparillo eight years ago or whatever, you know what I mean? It just baffles me.

You know, it was very sad because I saw him when he came into the store and we were friends. I remember he was a doorman and one night he kept saying to me, I don't get spots. And I go, you know why you don't get spots? Because you don't pay Duncan. He goes, what are you talking about? I go, you got to pay Duncan $15 a spot. He goes, but that's what they pay me. I don't give a fuck.

You didn't know that every week on Friday, you got to give Duncan $75 and he'll give you five spots. I've been doing it for years. Why do you think I got so many spots? And Duncan's walking towards me and I go, Duncan, come here, this fucking kid don't know. Yeah. He's supposed to pay you $15 a spot.

He's like, yeah, I go every Friday, you got to pay a big and you got to give it to me and I'll give it to Duncan. And he was going for it and finally I gave him a hug and I go, Cap, and we laughed and it was hilarious. Yeah. And then one day he comes up to me and he pulls rank on me and then, you know, that's all that happened. I mean, they already know, well, listen, now tell me your version of what you saw.

I'm just going to tell you what happened. Okay. All right. So John Capurilos from Ohio, he came off the bus, you know, great family comes from a great family, but he's a white kid, you know, kind of like on the other side of white, which means that he's low economic, you know, and, but he's a smart kid, super driven. And he started dating Shama Tosh, who I lived with. Remember Shama?

The Turkish girl. She's like her tops opener. You remember? I talked to her three weeks ago. Yeah. She was very, very funny. So she was dating John and John, well, here's what happens. When you, when you're nothing and then all of a sudden one day they say, you're something.

Sometimes you take that power, right? And it fucks up your brain. So there was a couple of years there where he thought that he was the shit because he was hot. He was one of the best panelists on Chelsea lately and he was, his specials were good. And it got to his head. I mean, one night he told me that, Hey man, I don't want to do the same show with you at the comedy store.

So Tommy, Tommy's going to have to figure it out. I go, yeah, there's only one show, dude. So if I'm not doing the same show with you, I'm out. He's like, well, you're not a real comic anyway. That's what he told me. Okay. So in my head, I want to fucking take a knife and puncture his throat. You know what I mean?

Just go, you know what I mean? Right? It's throw, but I'm not murder. I don't do that. Right? So I let it see. And Tommy separated us on the lineup for a couple of years and then several years later, he toned down, you know, but that was right around, you know what I mean?

When you had a problem with him. So it's just that he's just one of those kids that got something and then it got to his head and he went fucking crazy. Well, you know, the longest show I got to my head, the longest show I got to my head. Okay. The movie. Yeah. When you were on it, when you were there for six weeks and often they put you on for

17 weeks and your rubbing shoulders, Adam sound and every fucking AD and every producers telling you when this movie comes out, you're going to fucking hit. It fucks with your head. It fucked in my head. A lot, a lot of fucked in my head. Not once I go to the store and bump, not once that I go to the store and tell a talent coordinator. I didn't want somebody on the lineup because they were funny in me or they weren't funny

in me. That didn't make me do all that craziness. He had this other thing going with Tommy and I get it and I get all the other stuff. Like the creepy things he did was getting in front of somebody's talent. That was the creepy thing he did. He did it to you. He did it to Delia. He did it to a couple other guys and I don't want to beat this horse to death because it's

gone. He's done. He's, you know, he's not going to fucking fight with me. He's not going to come back to me. I'm not going to do that to him. I just want to let him know how I felt that I didn't forget about this. I don't forget about anything. Whether you do something bad to me or whether you do something good to me.

I don't forget about anything. I don't want to beat him up. I don't want to fist fight him. He attacked me and I just told him he was, and you know what's funny? There are people at the store that are actors that become comics. There are those people. You my friends are not one of them. You are not one of them.

You were a comedian first. You banged it out with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember your little brother coming to the show. You know, you banged it out first. You gained the acceptance of your father. This was big for you. This was big for you.

You're not some white dude from Orange County. You got to go home and tell your dad, I want to be a fucking comedian. He looked at you and goes, what are you fucking retarded? Go make some kimchi or whatever the fuck you're going to do, but you don't say it. Yeah. I mean, this was big for you. This was big for a lot. He just did some things that whatever, you're in a bad state of mind.

Do I forgive him? I'm done. I don't really give a fuck. Like I told you, man, those people ice themselves. When you do that type of shit, if you don't pay the piper, it starts fucking with your head later on. I know in life I've paid the fucking pipe. I've paid them my sins heavily.

Man, when I used to be a thief, my life, yeah, I was snorting coke and getting my dicks up, but let's look at what really was going on inside. I was living on people's couches. I had no life. I was broken inside. So bro, you pay for all that shit. I felt bad when I was using. I gave you so many drugs.

I don't give a fuck. You remember that though? Fuck yeah. I used to kill you. I gave you just piles of pills and stuff and I just feel so bad. I'm 14 years sober now, but back in the day, dude, I remember seeing Diaz and I had to get out of my briefcase and pull it out. You know what I mean?

I was a medicine man back then, man. Remember that? You used to sleep in your bathtub and shit. I used to sleep in the bathtub because of the sleep apnea and leave the hot water on all night and just sleep in the tub and let the water hit me so I could breathe. And you'd be able to sleep with the water on? Oh, I love sleeping with water on with a fire. I get a pillow and put a garbage bag on it.

Is this a relapse? Because I've been 14 years sober. I'm fine with it, but this is not. Open the door. No, no, no, don't look at over there. Open the door. Open the door. No, no, no, it's fine.

It's already happened. It's dissipated. You know what I mean? I'm not buzzed. I'm fine. But can you get high like that though? Maybe with his stuff, but I don't know. I think he'll be fine.

All right. Thank you. Like how, like is it hard? Because you both have had pretty great careers. Like I know you're not done, but you've had good things happen to you. Is it hard not to start being like, oh, I'm going to bump all these people at the store. I'm going to do all that. Like it must.

Why would I want to do that? Why would I call in on a Monday? They gave me 15 fucking minutes. That's enough time. Sometimes I'll do 20, you know, and then I'm out. Why would I, they'll give me my spot. I called in today. They're going to give me a spot pretty much every night.

If they, there's one night they might not, but that's fine. And I'll just do it and that's it. Why would I go mysteriously unannounced and then go up to a kid, you know what I mean? Who's struggling and go, by the way, me and Joey are going to bump you and you're not going to go on for another hour. Why would I do that? I think it's the same. You could say the same thing.

Like, why do these bankers defraud people? Like it's, you could make the argument that it's just never enough for some people. There's never enough money. There's never enough stage time. Yeah. I, but also I think the commoners are running away that you can't do that anymore really. I mean, the guy, I'll tell you who can bump and that it's only a handful. Louis CK, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Bill Burr, maybe Sarah Silverman because she'll

just, just, you know, who she is and she'll only do 10 minutes anyway. You know what I mean? But that's pretty much it. And I have no problem with that. Yeah, me either. I have no problem. Rogan, Rogan can do it. I have no problem with that.

And he won't now. He won't do it, but he could. But if Bill, Bill has come up to me, Burr and Chappelle or whatever and they said, hey, can I go up before you? Yes. Yes. I don't care, you know, because it's not like what they used to do in the nineties when Eddie Griffin used to do three hours.

Do you remember that shit? My God. Three hours. Andrew. Dice would do three hours. So that would mean that if you had a 945 spot, you're not getting up. You would literally, you would literally seek Dice's car, pull up and you would just leave. Or yeah, but not just leave.

You would scream, right? And throw something. A fuck. You know what I mean? And then you would get in the car and then leave because you had no spot, no money. And you wanted that 15 bucks. That's 15 bucks. 15 dollars.

15 dollars. You counted on that 15. They wouldn't give it to you if you got bumped. No. No. They wanted you to stay and wait. Yeah. So unless you stayed and wait two and a half.

I mean, Eddie Griffin would go on a 10 and stay on until fucking 10 to two and then you're done. Say what? I left you a little something. Yeah. What would he say for three hours? Think about for an hour of how he was Jesus one night. For two hours, he was trying to convince the room that he was literally Jesus Christ.

You know? And it wasn't jokes. I'm Jesus. And that's it. I'll tell you why. You know what I mean? It's like, what? And they would let that happen.

And that's why industry never came. That's why the real credible comics never wanted to play there. But now everyone plays there because it's run fairly and it's the best room in LA. It's right by far, by far, like when Flappers check this out. When did Flappers come out? Five years ago. Okay. So this is what happens.

I get the call from the lady. What's her lady's name? Barbara. Barbara, right? She calls me goes. Hi. Left a message. Hi.

I'm Barbara. I remember you from back in the day, you know what I mean? From my visits at the comedy store. And I would like you to perform at my room. I called her immediately and I said, I'd love to do it. So you have weekends. She goes, well, you're not a weekend guy. I go, excuse me?

Yeah. I'm having Jimmy Dorr and these names on it and Avi Lieberman. They're the headliners and they're doing the weekends. You're more of a Tuesday call in. You know what I mean? I'm like, bitch, I'm with CAA, bitch, you know what I mean? I've done movies and TV shows, bitch. I didn't say that.

I didn't say that. I go, okay. That's what I said. Okay. And then I hung up, right? But it's like, I will never play that room. And then a year later, she left another message, I'm so sorry. You can do a weekend.

How do you know what I mean? But at that point, it's done, fucking done. I have stepped in that room maybe twice in my life just because my girlfriend was performing the open mic there because you want to try stand up. And I had another friend do open mic, whatever. I stopped by. I was there last Tuesday. At open mic?

No. And they do a Tuesday. Oh, they do? Yeah, yeah. Dang. And I was there on Tuesday and went. Have you ever done a weekend there? One time.

I did the Friday night. Well, there you go. But I never did it again. Vice club, but I just don't need to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's not good, right? It's a good club and they get good people.

It's Burbank. I just thought that the whole thing wasn't worth the aggravation. Like I got fucking, you know, dead squad people don't buy tickets till Friday. They're stone is. And she kept calling me Wednesday and Tuesday, like, yeah, I'm selling techno. She got to give away tickets. I'm like, I ain't giving away dick canceling. And then Friday she came in and apologized.

She goes, Hey, man. Well, I got here today. It was a bunch of stone is out there waiting to buy tickets and she's a nice lady. It's a great club. Which is not what we're used to. And there's a lot of clubs that were not meant for a Bobby Lee and we go there one time and you know, when you walk in, you're like, Oh, this is not me. I've literally gone up to club owners and said, you can sit in nice club.

Don't ever ask me back. No, you have. I have. This is the worst weekend of my life. No, you have. I have. I don't give up because I don't even want them to call my agent to even see. One of the guys at Kansas City, right?

He was a Christian. The week or the club improv improv, right? He's a Christian. And when I told him that he goes, can you get on your knees and pray with me? I go, what? So we get on the knees. He goes, he wasn't a joke because dear Lord, please open Bobby's heart, you know, to this club.

You know what I mean? And I'm like, I got up. I got back on my feet. Two feet. I was holding my head with sweaty. You know what I mean? Like it was like vibrating and it was sweaty. And I got up and I got, dude, this is the fucking reason this is the reason I don't want to

come back here. Was it just too clean? It's just the one show, a lady stood up and I didn't even know what this word meant. I had to Google it. She goes, he then never heard it before in my life. I mean, he came to the city. They just called you a he even. Yeah.

I go he the. I didn't know what the fuck I meant. I'm retarded. I don't know what I meant. I go Google that. I go, that fucking conch. I ain't no fucking he then, you know, and as soon as that happened, I got to never come into the fucking place again.

Was the food good? Was the club good? Yeah. The whole time was good. Yeah. And you just didn't like the club. You know, dude, it's like, if it's a lot of white people, like 99.9% white, I generally can't play it.

Do you know why? Why? Because of a cultural connection. If I play Seattle, 30% of my room are mixed, either Asian, black, Latino, right? And if I talk about my parents on my upbringing and if it's all white people, they just don't get it. I mean, the jokes, because it's constructed where I have a punchline, right? They do giggle at it, right?

But it's not that like, we're like, I really know what you're talking about. And I just don't want to do, I don't want to convince people, you know what I mean, of who I am. You know what I mean? It's like, I just played Cleveland and I only play that room because of Nick, the owner of Hilarity. He's one of the best people I've ever met. The best.

The best. And the audience, I sold out, you know what I mean? And the audience are great. You know what I mean? But it's hard. It's hard. Like every show I have to walk out and they go, you kill, I go, I don't know, you know? I had a hard time there too.

Yeah. In the middle, I lost them a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was talking about my purple nutsack. You know what I mean? And how ethnic guys have purple nutsacks and stuff.

And they're like, ours is pink. You know what I mean? Yeah. But mine is purple. I don't believe you. You know what I mean? It's that kind of thing where if there's ethnic people, they'll go, yeah, dog, mine's purple too or whatever.

You know what I mean? We're awesome. You played that. This is great. What? We're awesome. Okay. So they're Pittsburgh.

Oh my God. Steve Byrne told me to play it because he's from there. Right. Yeah. You're from there. Right. I'm full Asian. I went there.

I mean, you're talking about 60 people on a Friday for a show. You know what I mean? It's like, you know what I mean? I'm swinging 500 seats sold out at Irvine Improv, right? Schaumburg Improv. Sell out every show. Right? How's Schaumburg?

You like Schaumburg? Amazing. You like Schaumburg? Yeah. Because it's close enough to Chicago. And they're just, you know, the cultural element is there. Canada, I fucking love. Canada's the fucking best everywhere in Canada.

But there's someplace, oh, you know what the worst one was? Denver Improv. Have you played there? Yes. Oh my God. That was the worst. You know what happened to me there? Why didn't you like the Denver Improv?

I'll tell you one night, okay, I do a Thursday show, Friday show in front of like 40 people a show. I'm not fucking kidding you. Saturday, first show, I walk into the club. The doorman put me in a headlock. He put me in a black eye. He put me in a headlock. He goes, yo dog, where's your ticket?

I swear to fucking God. And I'm on your third night there? Yeah, it's my third night. I go, I'm the headliner. And he let me go. Is that my bad? Bitch, you're supposed to fucking know that already. You know, it's not like we're, you know, it's not like a movie complex.

Do the next three-year poster at the front door. Well, it's not like there's 12 comics in 12 different rooms, you know what I mean? It's one room, one guy playing the whole weekend, right? Know who that guy is. The same happened to me in Seattle and I got him fired. In Seattle, I did two shows, a walk in the club, American Indian, long hair, parades. You sold out. I'm the headliner.

And when I got off the stage, he was fired. I didn't say to fire him. They just did it because it's embarrassing. But then I got him his job back the next night. I felt bad because he had kids and stuff and he's American Indian. You know what I mean? Yeah, but how can you not know? How can you not know who the headliner is?

You should fucking know who your fucking headliner is. So it's Denver out. I went to comedy works, you know? That's the shit. You know what I mean? Pittsburgh out. Never again. I'll tell people, I love you people in Pittsburgh.

If you're listening right now, but I can't play that room again. It's a disaster. You know, here's another one, fucking, I can't play fucking Dallas with Addison Improv. Why not? It's chaos. There's a beard thrown on the stage, you know what I mean? A girl has her titty out in the front row.

It's a crazy room. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a crazy, crazy 10 years ago. Yeah. That's a crazy fucking room. Put your titty away. That's a white neighborhood, Addison.

It's next to a karaoke bar. Oh my God. Yeah. It's like, you know, the dueling piano. The dueling piano. Yeah, dueling piano. So it gets all those knuckleheads in. Because if you go to a dueling piano, you decide to get hit in the head with a fucking

piano. Wait, it's in the same room as? Right next door. So you hit a piano and shit. Yeah. All right. It's a great club. I've always had fun at the Dallas Improv.

It's a good room. I just never made any fucking money and I'm done with it. I tried it 10 fucking times and I'm done with it. Houston, I kill it. Just so weird. Like some places you do really. Austin. Oh my God.

I can't even fucking believe you just brought that up, dude. How's Austin? I'm going to tell you something that happened to me in Austin. And I can't even believe you just said that because, and it's an atrocity, right? And I'm going to sue. I might sue. I was playing Austin a year ago, okay? Some of the books, Matt Blake calls me because you're out of your week, a weekend, right?

You're out of Austin. I go, why? Because Rich Miller called me and said that the year before you were in a limo with the limo driver, you pulled your dick out and you told the limo driver to suck your dick. That's what he said. Did you? No. No, I didn't do that, right?

I go, excuse me, Matt. First of all, whenever I ever been in a fucking limo, and number two, Nick Youssef, my opener, was with me every second of every day. I never fucking did that. Why would I do that? I'm sober. Right? I go, give me Rich Miller's number.

Rich Miller is Dennis Miller's brother. No, they don't know that people are listening, right? So Rich Miller is Dennis Miller's brother and he books comedy rooms, right? And he lives in Minnesota. I don't know the fucking guy, right? I call Rich Miller. He answers. I go, dude, I never pulled my dick out and told some white limo driver to suck my dick.

I'm not gay. And also I'm sober. Like I'm in AA. I have a sponsor. You know what I mean? I pray. I meditate. Why the fuck would I do that?

He goes, I don't know anything about that. I double booked you, right? I double booked you and it's the other guy's a friend of mine. He has no money, but I'll get you back on the books. That's what the fucking guy tells me, right? I hang up the phone. I call Matt. I go, that's what Rich said.

He didn't even mention the dick sucking thing, right? So the Matt called Rich again. Matt calls me back. Yeah, you did it. The dick sucking. So the rich Miller can't say it to my face. He lies to me on my face, right? And then tells my agent that I did it.

I never did it. And then I had my manager and my lawyer call the club itself to bypass Rich. They will answer our phone calls. I don't know what the fuck happened there. I love that fucking room. That's a great room. I know it is. I know it's a great room, but I never, why would I, why would I tell a stranger a guy

to suck my dick? I know. Listen, listen to me right now. Okay. Okay. Ask me if I've ever sucked a dick before. Have you sucked a dick? Yes.

Whoa. I have. When? In high school. Why? Because I was drunk. I'm not going to tell you who it was. With a bunny, he pulled his dick out and now we're not high school.

I was like maybe eighth to ninth grade. Okay. Eight to ninth grade. Okay. No, no, no. I just tasted it a couple of times. I didn't like it was salty. Right.

So check it out. So I sucked it. All right. I'm willing to admit every fucking awful, dirty thing I've ever fucking done. I'm not, I'm not a fucking angel. I've made mistakes. I've been in and out of sobriety. I've relapsed before.

I know my fairlty is, and I know exactly what I've done in my fucking life. All right. If you've asked, you know, when they say, were you molested by a guy with Down syndrome? Yes. He stuck his little sweaty fingers in my butthole when I was nine and he gave me candy and I went back every fucking day for three summers in a row to get that candy and I let him stick his fucking sweaty fingers in my butthole and I jerked them off. I don't give a fuck.

I want the fucking dip candy. You know, you had the dip, you know, with the stick? Right. Right. So I went back, you know, every day for three summers row to get my candy. What was going on around the school year? What? Why do you only go around the summer?

Because he was the guy that mowed the lawn at the fucking skating rink during the summer and then during the winter it was, so he never lived there. But in the summer, he was like the groundsman, right? So he was only in the summer and he lived in the shack there, right? And he had this candy on the rafters. I'm just telling you this right now because of the fact that it's a dark thing, but it's like I'll admit to it. All right.

You know, I've told my parents every dirty thing I've ever fucking done and I've done many. All right. And I've apologized for bad things, but I never pulled my dick out to a limo driver and they don't suck my dick. That never fucking happened. And then I'm banned from a room and then I wanted to sue. And then my agent's like, I do business with them, with my other clients, you know, he

was with CAA. So I like, can you not? I mean, I'll back you up. So I let it go. I'm telling you right now, Rich Miller, I never fucking did that shit and you should be a fucking shamed of yourself. Okay. People.

And listen, in 98, I went to Florida, 97 summer, 97, I went to West Palm Beach when it was the old club. I got there Wednesday, a headline Wednesday, headline Thursday and Friday, Saturday, the black chick from the night court was headlining. Marshall Warfield. Marshall Warfield. This is before she died. I love you.

And this is before she died and that Saturday. She died? I think she died. And that Saturday, that Friday, I mean, I had people in Miami and I bought blow in Miami that Friday and then that Thursday I got high. But that Saturday, I was talking to the waitress and the waitress comes over to me and I go, hey, man, can you get some blown? And she goes, yeah.

So I go, how much? 90, whatever. I give her the buck money. Twenty minutes later, the club manager comes and he goes, hey, man, don't ever ask my waitress for blow again. I mean, she ain't giving it to me already. Yeah. He goes, next time come to me.

That's not where I thought you were going with it. Yeah. I go, I didn't know. Nobody fucking sent me the memo. You know, next time I'll go to you. Yeah. Okay. That Sunday night, or whatever the club owner was, I don't need to mention his name.

I do the early show at 7. Fucking show finishes at 8.30. Do you know at 11 o'clock, I still wasn't paid because he was doing blow in the green room with whoever the fuck, some of the other headliners and I could even smell the free basin. Okay. I bought the grandma coke. I got high.

I didn't get high at the club. I didn't hit on any of the waitress. I got high at my cousins Friday, whatever. Sadly, I got high in the hotel. The condo was so bad, the condo didn't even have a fucking shower curtain. I mean, I had to stay with my cousin. The point of the story is I came home and three months later, some headliner comes up to me, he goes, Hey man, what'd you do in West Palm Beach?

That owner will hate you. He says you were doing fucking blow. Okay. The owner was doing blow on Saturday and Sunday fucking night in the green room with the other comic that was at the other, because they had Davey and they had whatever. Doesn't really matter who the fuck it was, but it's amazing how people will say shit. It depends how we take it. I was very insulted and I saw him after that.

I never talked to him again ever since then. Things have changed and now when I see him, he's my best friend and he wants to talk and you're doing great, but it's fucking crazy. Yeah. I was at the store one night in the very beginning, 97 and I went to the door guy and I asked him for blow and I gave him a hundred bucks and he gave me six twenties for a hundred. So I had six twenties. I think I had no addition the next morning.

I was going to do two of them. I had four of them that I would have given away. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I do a couple of books. A comic comes in there. Well known comic comes in. I just met him and he goes, hey man, I'm fucking exhausted.

I go, you want a blast? He goes, yeah. I give him two blasts and I go, hey, take one of the packages. Do you know a month later he went to a pitch meeting and my name came up and the guy called me a Coke Fiend? No. After I gave him the package. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait. You're a famous guy. Yeah. Pretty much. You're not going to name him? No. Are you friends with this famous guy? He apologized since then, because I hit him up.

He did? Yeah, he hit him up. I would have fucking killed him. And years later, I told him. He asked me what happened when it comes to industry, dude. Oh my God. Somebody fucks you with industry, dude. He had tears in his eyes.

He did that? Yeah. Oh my God. I was going to kill him for you just now. Because I was really mad when I was telling him. Like I, it hurt my feelings. And I'll never do it again and I learned but it's really weird because years later I've heard stories where people with coke fiends were people and when they hit they stopped talking to those people

Like I know a lot of people that have done coke with certain celebrities That's why I always took never to do coke with people because they'd stop talking to you So that's why that's what I learned real quick at 98 That never do blow with people like I sold blow to somebody one day like a well-known agent called me one day He was at the store and became friends and he called me one day out of the blue and he goes hey, man Can you get me blown? I said yeah, so go meet me at El Compadre I'm the bloon like an hour late. He called me back that it wasn't what he wanted He won and I'm like hey, and then he never talked to me again

Like you know saying so it was weird and then I heard like there was this guy I knew this guy karate of Sunset Boulevard. He was a big guy And I used to talk to him after karate and shit in one day. He goes kind of buy you a beer We went over And I became friends of the guy and he showed me this this is a great story We're back after about three months one day he goes Let's go back to my house and smoke a joint went back to his house. He goes. I want to show you son He started showing me fucking pictures of him in

1995 and 96 With a bunch of guys would blow everywhere and the beach behind them He took pictures of blow like he just showed pictures of people party You know when you blow and there's women and there's mirrors and there's lines on it And one and one of the guys that was in every picture was James Gandolfini. God bless his soul He told me a very interesting story. He goes I Was with that guy for two years every weekend. He was part of a clique that came down to party on the beach They all lived in Hollywood

And they would come down the party on the beach and they would get pills and drugs and whatever and And Gandolfini was one of those guys and he goes I became good friends with him He goes, I remember driving him to the set of the movie with the boat What's the movie with Denzel and Gene Hackman on the boat that movie they made when the mutiny and shit like that That was James Gandolfini's big like James started working He started booking like get shorty when Travolta beats him up He did a bunch so he goes I still remember him driving him to that set Wow, you know Like I was talking and him being hung on crimson tires and that's being what the year was that 95 85

95 and he was I remember him, you know driving him and having a conversation with him and this guy was a big Italian guy And he goes that he remembers one weekend talking to him and him going I'm going to New York to shoot a pilot For some mafia show. It's not gonna get picked up You know, it's not gonna get picked up. Yeah, I'm gonna miss you guys and shit They gotta go to New York. Well, the show got picked up. Yeah, and he goes one day I caught gave the feeling because I got his number from one of my friends. I said hey Jimmy It's fucking whatever this guy since then died And he goes Jimmy. It's whatever listen, man

The sopranos are looking for this role. Can you help me out? He goes bro? I love you to all my heart Because that was a long time ago, man. I really can't I hope you good luck Well, and he goes Galifany wasn't a bad guy But he just didn't want me on the set with bad fucking habits the same bad habits he had Yeah, he goes I figured that out a year late. I bumped into him. He didn't want him on the set Jimmy told him to his face. He goes bro. I had enough problems on my own You know, I'm having enough for hard time in New York on my own Every place I walk into somebody wants to give me a coke rock now

I need you to fucking come up to me and fucking hang out with me Plus, I mean how often do you guys get hit up by friends who you can't help everybody out? But at least you have the oh so but also a set though. It's like it's a it's a workplace, right? And it's like you don't need it's also stressful He's the star of the show correct and he's got lines to memorize the last thing you need is an element That's like a little weird. It's like in the eight years. I was on mad TV. No one came I had my dad come one time. You know me like I just it's my job. You know, I mean, it's like people were hey Can I get tickets? No

What do you want to come for at the work? You know, oh shit, you know, it's really interesting statement you made before Because you can't get to this place by yourself like I remember having no credits and going into like a You gonna love this having baseball and having a pilot having a commercial, but I needed that TV show I just fucking did that TV show. I got a call one day. Hey man mad TV is doing a sketch about the sopranos Go in there. Just go down there And I made some calls and I found out the office where it was and I fucking went down there because they submitted me too late So he go just go down there and crash the audition and when I get there they stop seeing people

There was nobody there, but who walked out of the fucking office that was writing the black kid Aries Yeah, every spears with the impersonations. You know many times every spears talked to me before then Zero he would see me at the store and go. What's up, brother? You know, you want to how many times he said hi to me at eight years of on the show with them zero Okay, but here's the thing. He said hello to me zero times at the store I would do freaky Monday with him and the other guy the black show But guess what when he walked out of that door he made on contact with me And he walked over and he goes you here for the soprano bit

And I go yeah, he goes hold on one minute and he knocked on the door He went in I can tell everybody the truth, you know, yeah, yeah He walked in and he came on he came out with some lady and introduced me to the main lady Nicole Garcia. Yeah, yeah, my motherfucker from the store, you know, give me some love and shit I went in there and booked it. Wow, you know Grudge match I got a call from the director You know, think of all the things that we've booked just because we've known somebody Meanwhile, when you were a kid and you were starting comedy, you're like, how did he get that role?

I wonder how many times he auditioned with people at home really knew that after a while you just developed relationships I went to an audition last week and there was a bunch of old Italians in there And they were talking about hollywood in the 80s and 90s And they were talking about when casting people in the old days recording go I didn't book this like I like you know how many people would want to book a pilot Guess what? 15 years ago. I was in my house. I'm about to go get coke I swear to god and I got a call from julie ashton

At 6 45 at night. She goes joy. What are you doing tonight? I go nothing. I got a spot. She goes Can you go to fox? I forgot to cast a part on the pilot nypd blue 2069 She goes wouldn't go shake the morning, but i'm gonna take care of you Just go and do this for me, please and I went I had two lines And I fell and I got shot and the pilot never got picked up But that was one of many opportunities that people just called me up. That's how I was I think I got like eight grand for a fucking phone call the night before you know how much I needed that fucking eight grand So if you put the work in

Somewhere along the line could just because you want something doesn't mean you'll get that But you'll get something else if you put the work in Can I tell you no, so this is and this is a little Why you should be nice to people? Okay So I was if you twist that it'll start on the side where right here. I know the little knob. It'll stop falling off Why can't you do it? Why can't you be nice and do it for me? Like that. Thank you

So I was a doorman right at the comedy store and this lady Was hanging around like walking around the parking lot and I go hey lady What do you need anything she goes I hate this club They're always so rude because back then when like the Harris P. They were so fucking weird the dormant. Yeah, truly those guys So she didn't know what to do. So I go, you know what? I'll get you in so I snuck her on the back Right, I got her a seat and then I didn't have any money at the time But she looked like somebody with power and she seemed nice. So I go I got her a wine

She sat there. She saw whoever she needed to see and then afterwards she goes She was an agent at grocery at the time and she goes, uh, what's your name? I go my name is bobby lee, right? two years later, I'm testing for mad tv And she attended she's now an executive and she attended my My test My audition and she said afterwards that she was only there for me to get my job Because I was so nice to her two years before that night. Yeah It like it was the weirdest cosmic experience

I mean, I got to that point by doing 12 auditions and like, I mean, I you know, I mean, I did the work But that last final thing that lady was just sitting there, you know, I mean And you everything helps, you know, and like she really It was amazing. It was a big lesson to just be nice to everyone. You fucking know You see Is it hard for you? I Growing up I used to hate in school when there used to be group projects I used to I used to always think I'll just do myself. I like I couldn't trust other people. I didn't like working with them

and hearing all you say like Even now like we had this guy Kevin very nice help us with the studio it's gone to the point where especially I don't even know if it's this town but You start becoming like a little bit wary of people who are trying to be nice or or want to work with you and It's nice to hear that not everybody is

Is out to like there are people actually trying to help and being nice and it's Did it like did it take you a while to get to that place of accepting help and working with other people? Well, I mean, I I think maybe it's an innate thing that you're born with. I really don't it's not something that you constantly Decide I'm saying in my head. I'm like You just Feel it in your heart to be nice and then you are you mean, I mean, let me tell you something I've had years where I was a fucking asshole and it didn't help anybody

I mean, I thought I was the shit, but you know what? I've suffered I mean, there were some years after mad tv where I was the Nobody wanted me for many years And you you either go, you know become bitter and sad and angry Or you change and you become A better person like your parents taught you You know, so it's like I've decided to just Be as nice as I can, you know, I've never denied a photograph. Have you no?

Yeah, if I'm at a restaurant before shows I do Like but when I get to another thing before a show because I don't want everybody taking pictures Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I do afterwards especially you're in the you're walking through the show room and right It's some guy in the back. Yeah. Yeah, you have to do them afterwards. Of course But if you're at a restaurant, right and somebody goes, can I get a photo or wait or you would say yes, right? Because there are a lot of cocksackers that won't right it's like I'm you know If somebody wants to talk to me about something I will talk You know, I mean if they ask me hey, well, how did this, you know, I like this sketch

I'll talk to them about it even though I don't want to you know, I mean, but it's like Yeah, I feel like I've changed and I'm more available, you know me for stuff like that. I think you have to be I remember when I started in Denver the big thing that they had was running the light And I couldn't figure it out at first. I went home on that bus a couple of nights And I thought about it. It's weird even at the store to this as soon as the light gets on I get off And people always say to me, you know, you have a couple of few minutes after that. I don't care Because I want people to understand how I am. You know what the first thing I do when I get home is from the road When I pull up in front of my house, I go upstairs

I take my luggage, I throw the clothes in, I put my sleep apnea mask on I go and I take a shower when I come out. You know what the next thing I do is I write a check with the commission And I send it the next day Because I don't want no fucking problems with my money. Okay, when I got money I don't want you taking fucking 30 days to mail me a fucking check. Yeah, I send you your fucking money That's a respect I give people I tell them when they go, wow, I got a check from you two weeks in a row I go, you know why? Because I don't want no misunderstanding with my fucking money either

So when you have your money, I don't want it in your fucking pocket to get interest for three weeks Mail me my fucking money. I don't want to wait for the account on wednesday Because the first time I wait for your account on wednesday, I'm gonna make you wait for my account He only comes once a year Okay, you don't want that. Do you know, okay I don't wait for accounts send me my fucking money on thursday and I'll send you a fucking check I don't give a fuck if you don't put the check in the bank. Don't You know what I was doing the last couple years when I book a job

I'd show up there and give him the commission before the job was even shot. Don't touch my money Don't touch my money. I don't want the 10 days and the 10 you got but the time I get the check It's 25 days later. Why could you guys want interest on what eight on hours? Just give me the fucking money What do you do in a situation though? Well, you're at a club and you know that you did better than you know, I mean they say you did You know, I mean in terms of money like do you say things or do you just let it go in the beginning? I got pissed and then I realized why I paid my agent And even though I go home on that flight a little pissed like I got smacked in the face

First thing I do when I get home is I fucking go off on my agent and go get me my fucking money right now In fact, here's my I email him with my bank account Just tell him to deposit the money. I don't even fuck around. It's already so when they call me back and they go I already I even I assume the clothes You rip me off. I assume the clothes like I'm about to work a club in a few weeks ago That this was the only club that came through right now in charlotte right now You want me to tell you what the numbers are for the weekend charlotte? But they are right now for the weekend charlotte. Just so you know how I sell you're gonna die. Okay

Because I got no reason to lie to anybody just so people go, oh, well joey fucking lied or whatever This is what I have trash Let's see what the fuck is this now with my luck It's not in this come. No, it's not because I I will raise another thing I got 70 for the first show Thursday night I got uh 118 or something. I got 700 tickets sold

I think 60 for the first show on saturday. Do you know what the second show was on saturday? 256 amazing already already just I always sell out saturday late show first that goes first You know what this club owner came to me and said Man your saturday late show is looking bad. I just let him I didn't say nothing You know me. I let him fall into his own trap. Yeah I said really I go, what are you talking about? Because you've only got like 30 seconds sold for the last show He goes, so I had to do a group on two for one But don't worry. It'll be packed tomorrow

And I looked him straight in the face and I said I'm sure it will be And this guy thought he had me till monday and I fucking called every I called the higher ups. I called everybody and go Because I got all those emails. I got those emails. I sent them to the fucking office And I said, listen, this guy's not getting away with this and sure enough there was a mistake Because there always is Yeah, I'm cowardly when it comes to that. No, I just don't get in people's faces. I just let no if they let the jewel They say, you know, hey, and I know different. I don't say nothing because

I feel like if I make a stink that they'll never have me back there. Well, fuck it. But I'm getting my money I don't give a fuck if you don't I don't want to do deal. I don't listen Why would you want to deal with me if I'm fucking you on money ever again? Get my money? I won't ever come back here again You go fuck yourself Go fuck yourself if you're fucking me on money, we know now We could go into a room right now and we could tell you what's in that room and be off by 20 And we know our own trends. We're economists. We know Yeah, listen for you to have a great weekend

You have 150 people on down a thursday night with the pictures from twitter and stuff. You'll pack it up If you have 70 people on thursdays, it's gonna be a rough weekend. You know what i'm saying? But it's monday. I'm not worried about you got radio, blah, blah, blah But don't come to me and tell me that That is on a Saturday night show you made a big mistake And I got every dime. Yeah, I got every dime. I'm a fucking cuban jew I got every dime white torment you The fact they even sent the guy a shirt the agent sent the guy a shirt that said what would joey d is do

Yeah, we know i'm not in business to get robbed. I don't want to rob you and I don't want you robbing me All right, that's 20 chairs. You don't call But even that that's fucking 200 hours. It's 400 hours If you get a show deal, yeah 20 chairs at 20 hours 20 times 20 is 400 I think I got buzzed from the thing. That's okay. Just drink some water I think I got buzzed a little bit from the thing No, you're fine. Are you sure? Yeah, you're because i'm sweaty. I'm sweating and stuff. Oh, it's hot I'm sweating like fucking, uh, bleak the other day when I show them to hate the acid

What's this? What's 20 minutes all about? It's just a nice little sweet song that calms things down We're almost in the home street Look at you in h-town on valentine's day and shit. Fuck you know that because I know everything Hey, can I plug a couple of things man? You can plug whatever you're but wait till the end of the show You don't need to plug it now. I'm gonna plug it for you. You're a fucking star, brother What's going on just sitting here relax I'm gonna smoke some more pot here. Let me open up the door get some air in here

There's no noise up here. Oh So how you doing, buddy? Yeah Yep Yeah As soon as we open the door police siren shows up, you know what I'm saying? This is a nice place, man. Very nice I got this on the way back. I was walking with the baby and the guy came on he goes Hey, you came in here for an office about a year ago. You're still interested. We got an office opened up So we were gonna do it. I called Kevin

And I said can you just come in and give us some advice in the office this motherfucker came in here and took over Yeah, he started building shit. All I did was this brick right here. You they did that Kevin did that He hung the tv. We had the tv. Obviously, holy shit everything Kevin helped My man here lee hang the cameras It's something that you go home and you're like Why is somebody being so nice and after being around them? I get it I get it

You know, there's some people who are just genuinely nice in this town and we don't expect it Right because we know it always comes with something, you know, I'm saying always my guard's always up or something Yeah, it comes with a by the way of a man. We want you to do this gig or something Whatever, he's just been really cool. I'm trying to find the way to pay him back But I know he's one of those guys that uh He puts it in the karma box. Yeah, you know, some people fill up the karma box. Do you believe do you believe in karma? Yes, I do. I've lived it. I'm living proof of karma. Yeah, but can I ask you something then? No, how come like, um

Like guys like George W. Bush, nothing bad happens to him something bad happens. So we just don't know it No, he's playing golf and stuff Something bad happens to him every day when he has to face himself at the end of the night That's when karma shows up. Yeah, but he like started a bunch of illegal wars and a lot of people died and stuff He'll pay for it. He deserves aids and stuff at some point is it's so like I remember when I When I robbed this guy You're never getting back into Texas now and I robbed 18 five Like what I made from the scam was 18 five, you know what I ended up paying the attorney 18 thousand

I'll never forget that looking at the bills and going what you got caught. I made 500 bucks Like this is God sending me a bill like I made five like the god making me realize that I made $500 for two years of my life Because I know you've beaten a man with a pipe before no, no, I didn't beat nobody with no You know, you've never beaten anybody with a I think you have no No, no, no, you told me one time that you've been a man with a pipe. I must have smacked him with a two by four Yeah, that's a big you never like beaten a guy to almost dealt with the pipe before no

You yes, you have no, I have it. No, I haven't you got the wrong. Yeah, you're the wrong guy Yeah, you've never violently attacked anybody before not with a pipe. No with what? I got to fight some guy jumped me and he had a two by four I took it from him hit him with him one time. Yeah. Yeah. I hit a guy with a Heineken bottle when I was 18 He was a man. Yeah, he was a fucking man. You know, he was a real fucking man. He another friend. There was a man and we were scared uh But you've never taken a pipe out of your car and beaten a man with it I'm taking a pipe out like remember down in La Jolla when those guys are looking for me that threw the fucking cue ball at the car

Do you remember like I know how to get you rattled nobody could rattle you like me. I'll rattle your case Were you there that night where Joe Rogan we went to the strip club? No Oh Could Joe Rogan didn't talk to me for years after that Because he was headlighting and then we went we went to a strip club I thought you were there and then there was these gang members with tattoos on their faces I didn't know any but I was young and Joe goes, let's get out of here and we were with other the comics

I thought you were there and I go no, don't be a pussy Right because they were like eyeing us and stuff and then years later. I had apologized to Joe. I go. I know we almost died I'm sorry All right, I feel funny. I got to get out of here Why I feel dizzy or something man. No, you like that. That's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Have some water. Am I I drank it nothing happened. Have some red bull nothing happened after the day. Have some red bull and some water How's that what I like earlier? I said that I sucked a guy's dick. Did I say that? Yes, you did. Okay. That's okay I'm wrong with that. I feel like it's been weird ever since that. No, wait, which was which was worse the dick or asshole

What asshole when you're just licking a girl's asshole I the dick for sure I'm not gay, dude Yeah, but I was thinking about it the other day. Have you ever sucked a dick? No, you've never no not even once. No, you were thinking about But I was I was thinking about a couple like last week for girls. It's just must be like Hard skin like that's all like it doesn't what like it doesn't it doesn't taste like anything Like if you take exactly that's why you should try it You just you just said it was worse than eating ass. I'm not gonna do it if it's worse than eating

Yeah, because it's like there's like social implications and it's like I don't want to be doing this, you know You're drunk with your friend Listen to me, man. When I was a kid I was small I was this Asian kid, but I had a sexual a sexual drive But I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood in my high school was 99.9 percent white And none of those girls want anything to do with me. You know, I always been always a dirty Korean You know, I mean my father is from

My father was a street guy My father during the Korean war used to hustle He never went to school He was in gangs and stuff and then he joined the Korean military, but my dad was a hoodlum. So I'm from You know, I mean Korean trash almost, you know, I mean Like, you know, so it's like and then we my dad works hard and we live in the suburbs But I'm around all these, you know, white girls and stuff. They don't want nothing to do with me So it's like, you know, you get drunk you're

15 16 And your friend pulls out his penis, you know, I did it I made a mistake. Now, you're very sexual. You were highly sexual And I used to go to those like f street in San Diego We had to those f street bookstores and they used to have those um masturbation booths You remember those you sneak and you go in the back and the floor's sticky. It makes a sound Are they people having lime sex or no, you would close the door You close the door and then you put, you know, I mean dollar bills or quarters in right or back

F street had these tokens. You had to go to the front, right? You know, give them 40 bucks and then they give you tokens and you put the tokens it and then there's a button There's two buttons like, you know, I mean changing channels and they they were always like a puddle of comma, you know Do you have to stick your fingers in puddle of commas? Was this before the internet or why would you go there? Yeah, this is in late 80s Right Jesus so people was that no, but they had vcrs by then, right? Yeah, but I went to the yeah, but I was a kid. He was a kid. I was 19

I'm not gonna go home to my parents house. Yeah, what I had when I was a kid was you go in and there was a bed in the middle Where One six that was his number. Yeah There was a bed in the middle and there was a guy fucking like this fat chick And then live live then there'd be windows all around on 42nd street same thing you walked in you locked the door You put token in the window would slide up Yeah, and then there was the ones that had the plexiglass that you just watched and People would fucking you could look around and see the guys checking it off like bads banging. It's fucking creepy man

What did you ever jerk off in those? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Well, I was 15. Yeah, you have to know you don't know That's the first time you see like somebody actually fucking in front and you could smell a pussy Yeah, I could say let you in at 15. They didn't give a fuck. They weren't proof. That's probably in the 70s, right? That's the 70s man. They didn't prove you Jesus And you'd walk in and There'd be a Greek there'd be a fucking janitor And he'd go into every room when the door would open somebody would walk out before he'd go in there He'd go in and drop the mop and fucking mop and put it back in with all sperm and shit

And then you go in there put and you had to be careful what you touched And they'd have sex in front of you. I think I did it twice guys, you know Just being young and stupid, but then there was times I was in the city I just going in just to see what was going on just to see the The desperation like I would walk by there at nine in the morning and see 20 people like a sick jews Walking out and going why are you fucking? You know, they walk out real fast our seeds and you know, these are people that It's weird when people let their religious beliefs suppress their sexual That's why all these fucking politicians when they're whenever somebody tells me they're a christian

All of a sudden I see them in the bedroom fucking their wife in the ass and smacking them Because they're really horny fucking devils. It's really weird like I was really horny When I was a kid and then once I realized I couldn't get pussy like the rest of my friends I left that emotion going away and I got that's exactly what that's exactly what I went through And I would say, you know what instead of going after women. I'll just masturbate. I'll just go home and masturbate That'll be the easy thing. I don't have to talk to them or nothing But then like an 87 the cocaine turned me Like once right before I got locked up

Cocaine flipped on me and I got really sexual with the coke Like I could go all night and put coke in their feet, but you got girls then then yeah We started getting girls. Yeah, I would always have a girl with coke and you eat that pussy with coke Would it bum you out that it was only when they when you had coke because I went through a thing where I only hooked up with girls when we were drinking and I used to bum me out I'm like fuck. They have to be drunk in those days. I didn't care I didn't care how I got pussy because I had been suppressed for so long I wasn't like the rest of my friends. My friends would come to me and say I got pussy last week down the shore

For me, I'd get a victim once a month growing up or once every six months But I really never had a girlfriend And I didn't have the sexual escapades. My friends were having that 21 and 22 I never heard of stuff like that till I left New Jersey. I had my first threesome at 35 36 that was one of the worst things of my life. Yeah Two girls and one guy two girls. We've never done a threesome with two guys one girl. No, no I have double times looking at another guy. They come what is that? I did it with Mike Burton You know Mike Burton is no Mike Burns to stand up. Yeah. Yeah. He's still around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Mike Burton and a feature

The girl I can't say her name because she's still around and we did the threesome and um, he was so selfish Because you know, I mean he would pull her to his side of the bed and I want to touch him So, you know what I ended up doing going to the side of bed and just masturbating watching them And we also could I just say something we all laughed So much it was like the funnest sex. I've ever really ever had You know and I did it with Aaron Cater And brian etheridge once in vegas too that threesome. That was a five-some. I was gonna say that was a five-some You know

Dude um, this is so gross So, um, you know, you know, Steve sripper. Yeah, so sripper you have Riviera. Yeah So he calls me and goes hey, you know because dice used to call me ching, right? So so steve sripper used to call me ching, right as just chitching. That's what they used to say not racial But I know what was racial so hey ching. I go. Hey, we're doing this midnight dirty show I want you to headline I'd never headline before so Brian Etheridge and Aaron Cater were open Micros at the time They will drive you. I mean, we'd love to see that right so they drove me out there So we're on Las Vegas Boulevard these two sisters drive by right and Brian Ethers is driving and the two sisters

Rolled on the winning. They go you're cute Not to Brian because he's the ugliest white dude I've ever seen or me if they were saying to cater cater the fucking cute boy Yeah, good-looking kid, right cater runs out of the car jumps in this fucking truck They drive out into the sunset, right and me and Brian are fucking mad, right? So then we get to the Riviera. I go Brian you go do your own thing I have to concentrate right out my set list or whatever so then midnight I'm literally on stage and I see Brian and Aaron bringing these two sisters What was like a 300-pound white lit girl and the other one was 80 pounds, but they were sisters and they were missing teeth

But you know at the time, you know, I mean, you know, so anyway after the show Aaron goes hey, don't do us So let's go to the room. So we're in the room and so, you know, you're no condom either You know, I mean, I know so we were doing it You know doing it and doing it and then all of a sudden like three hours later I'm with the fat one and Aaron's with this skinny one. I don't know what Brian is. I Don't know where Brian is So I look around the room. I don't know what Brian is So I keep doing I'm for doing but doggie style with this fat one and I feel something tickling my butthole

It was like a feather. You know, I mean, I turn around So it was like paranormal I thought it was like a paranormal But then like I keep going and I find and then I definitely feel something You're like object like something, you know, I mean, and I look down Brian had crawled underneath my Bonnie and He was eating her pussy while I'm having sex with her. No, let me tell you something Let me tell you something you have to imagine what is on his face now at this point. Yeah, my little gook juice He's got gook juice fat juice. You know, I mean mixed together. You know, I mean who knows what kind of you know

It's not just go for the blow job. What is he? I don't know but he goes she likes it. She likes it. I don't like it His chin is rubbing against my taint. I don't like it. It's weird, right? I can't get hard So it gets worse. So I decided a power fucker Right cycle, you know how you do it power How a fuck nobody in 10 years Like that, you know, I mean, and you know, I slipped out, right? So I try to stick it back in and but Brian had moved up, right and it rubbed against his arm Right, so then we all disband, you know, I mean because like he screamed, you know, I mean and I go, why we got a fight

Like why you down there? You know me? He's purposely purposely, you know, so then afterwards we go to breakfast So I'm taking these two girls out for breakfast Aaron's there And we're talking laughing I just can't wait to go to sleep and I look at Brian from across the table His left eye completely closed with a yellow film a yellow film had closed it shut like an adhesive Right, I go do we gotta go to the fucking hospital because no, I'm good I go no, you're not good. You can't fucking see out of the eye. It's like infected. It's red. It's like pulsing, you know Which is his fucking fall, right? So then we go to the fucking

Hospital right now we have no sleep, you know, I mean it's a disaster, right? And we're I'm in there with them, you know, I mean with them. We're like, what are we gonna say? Right, he goes, I'll just make something up. So the doctor goes what happened and he goes he skull fucked me He points at me. He says I skull fucked him You kind of did not yeah, but that you know, do you have them check your dick? Because like what was on your dick that made his eye close up, dude It was not just my dick the juice all kinds of stuff man Don't fucking listen dude. I can't believe my eyes. I just I went to the doctor two weeks ago and I got all tested my shit's clean dog

All right, nothing. I'm no diseases. You know, I mean no diabetes. Nothing. You're pretty serious with this girl You like I love I could tell that you okay, so check it out Man, how long have you been with her three or two and a half years now? Yeah. Yeah, I'm in love with my girlfriend She we live together. We have three cats We have a podcast together called Tiger Belly, okay, and it's doing well and I just couldn't imagine a better life right now, man. Where'd you meet her? Tinder dude Dude, I couldn't even believe three years ago like two and a half years ago. She swiped right we matched

Well, first of all, I had two nightmare Tinder before that, you know One of the girls all her photos was just up her face And she looked like Natalie Portman, but then when I picked her up She had Michael chickless his body like worse than yours Like it was just a complete circle, but her face was really cute really good face And the other one was a comedian. I want to get into that. Wait, are you on Tinder? Were you on Tinder as Bobby Lee? Yeah, that's the best way, you know stones street from modern family. I got him on it too After my success Eric stones. He's not fat. He's a chubby dude

The stone street I went to his house. I got him on Tinder. I'm gonna create a poor profile together, right? It's the best if you're a celebrity Right it is because imagine here's the thing with Tinder. All right When you and I we live our lives, we wake up. We have our routines. We go to our coffee shop, right? We have you know me our errands that we do our show at the club But you have to imagine people even in LA or in Long Beach or whatever passing it They have their own lives. They can't make it to the comedy club, right? So it's like you're never gonna run into them Right, but the Tinder it just you know, you just have more branches out there

And Kalilah was always a fan of mine, right? But we just she never just came to my shows and so I Met her for coffee and as soon as I sat down and we we had coffee together I just I remember going fuck in my head because I knew I'm in a relationship The first time I met her I already knew that this was gonna be an thing You know, you know, you can tell when you meet somebody you just look in their eye. Yeah, this is gonna be a fucking thing You just there's a connection and Yeah, we're you know, yeah, we're together and we have a really good

Connection and you know, we've had we've had we've had our problems Everybody does. Yeah, it's hard relationships. What does she do for a living? Oh, she's a comedian. Okay. Yes Well, no, she stopped doing that, but she I don't want to get into it, but she has a heart situation She has a physical situation and she can't work right now So instead of doing, you know, I mean we decided to do a podcast together so that we can create maybe a business together You know, and it's going really well. So you look good. You look healthy. Thank you 14 fucking years of variety Yeah, seem like yeah, how many doors open for you after you got sober took me years doing But how different is your life?

My you look at it. Oh my it's not even it's not sober from the drug that killed me for eight years Cool, I still smoke pot. Yeah, that's fine. I don't take pills I still smoke my pot my friend gave me anxiety pills if I can't sleep after a plane I'll take one to help me go to bed. I never really drink. I was never really a big drinker I smoked my pot and that's it. But the drug that killed me eight years I can't tell you how many doors have opened for me. Yeah, but you know why it helped for me is because of the fact that When I got sober what helped was show business

Didn't become my life Right for many years show business was number one Right and my mood and my livelihood and how I felt of mice about myself was directly Related to how I was doing in my career Okay, and as soon as I got sober that no longer was the case, you know, I want to live a life You know and so You know when my friends book shit, you know, I don't go fuck him I Go congratulations. Yeah when you see guys succeed. It doesn't really affect me. They're like Ken Jeong

You know, I mean, he was my doctor when I got sober, you know, I mean he he helped me get through my detox You know and he is a bigger star than me and I'm fine with that, you know and a lot of people come up to me and they go They go, oh, you you know, I mean you jealous of Ken's success. No Why would you be why would I be he's talented guy and I'm fine with it It's those people that hate And you know the people that naturally hate you could see it when you first got mad TV and you walked into the Congress So there's some people gave you a big hug and there was some people gave you a fucking Michael Corley only Fredo hug

And you felt it. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Why are you like this? And they you know, and that's Going back to what that jerk off said about you that night that you're just an actor guy That's even that day on the tweet with me. He was saying he said that I was on his job when he got his deal I wasn't even at the store when he got his deal, you know I remember he got beat up in San Diego when he went to he got you want to and he got you want to say I remember all that shit and I always felt kind of bad for him. So when he got that attitude towards me I was like I just left it alone It's like when comics fucking say I got a deal who gives a fuck everyone eventually gets one, you know, I mean

It's like people take these things and they think they it makes them who they are and So what did you have to do to stop making that the most important thing in your life? Well, when you when I was because our drugs was killing me and I realized that my life was more important and my family was more important It shifts your perspective, right? So would you you were talking at the start of the podcast about you want to certain rooms back then? Would you have said that to those people? What do you mean? Would you have told the manager at the Kansas City? No, I don't want to do your room I wasn't even doing I was so drugged out. I wasn't even headlining then I only headlined because I was still on mad TV

I only headlined after Matt TV was canceled in a year in I realized that You know, I wasn't gonna be the TV star that I thought was gonna be and that's when I start doing the road and it saved my life I gotta tell you the truth for me to get sober. I Had to do something. I had to do something that I had forgotten about I had to put myself I Thought that those Ten years I had been in Hollywood That I was very passive with people and I wasn't the man

Like I didn't remember what it was like to be a man and I remember like three months before getting sober I'm like, I want to just be a man again, Bobby Lee. I Have to get the respect of being a man again I'm a man. Why is this happening to me? If you're a man, you should be caught up in these type predictions and this type of bullshit So I went back to get my character like who I was when I was 13 when people go Hey, you want to get on I go go fuck your mother. I'm not getting high Like I went back to look for that like something interesting happened to me. I did kill Tony last Monday night And I was telling Lee I watched the comedians go on stage those young comics to do a minute

You know, I've never done the show a couple times Yeah, you see when people kill and you applaud for them and I saw what my face used to look like when I was doing comedy five years That look of that eye of the tiger Remember when you killed for the first time. Yeah, and you killed for the first time You can't go you can't sleep you nothing for fucking a week Heroine by the time that you will not fall asleep. So why isn't as exciting anymore? What's the check it check it out check it out? Okay, I Didn't get any pussy ever right until I was 23 years old

Okay, I used to go get you know, I mean a good I would go to a brothel in Tijuana. Okay when I was 23 years old I was a doorman at the comedy store. Okay, this is in 1995 and One Saturday night the manager let me Host in front of a packed room So I went up and I fucking killed for the first time You know what happened not only did that happen, but that night a girl called The fucking club and says hi, my name is Jennifer is Bobby Lee the comedian

They was a doorman that we went up is he there Fred Burns gave me the fucking phone and she goes. I just think it really you're really cute. Are you single this and that? Yeah, so I sort of got three days later. I'm in our house in Ocean side, California And I'm eating your pussy and I'm going not only did I kill for the first time, but now I'm getting chicks. It literally was the birth of me Someone called it. I thought it was gonna be like an agent to book you for something they called because I thought you were hot Yeah, and her name was Jennifer Field That was her name. She was this cute blonde white chick from Ocean view side, California

I want to say ocean view because I was my first rehab when I was 16, but that was also an ocean side but um Yeah, and I went to her house and I remember it just being a a spiritual experience for me so so I mean you must have gotten laid other times from comedy since then yeah, I've been killing it But my point though is is that you know, it was the first time yeah and the first time killing, you know I mean, and I it's like, you know, yeah I think I kill I guess now when I'm on the road

It's my audience and I do well on stage, but it does you cannot capture that feeling for the first time You chase that it's like addiction. Yeah, you chase that feeling the reason why I was still here 20 years later We're chasing that yeah It's a fucking tremendous that the first kill and the first time you get on stage. You cannot describe it You cannot describe it anybody you cannot describe it. It's just a beautiful fucking thing the adrenaline. Oh my god That adrenaline I was telling them when you headline four shows on Sunday morning, you saw You're fucking saw when you get on the plane. You're like, why am I sore? Yeah, cuz I've been fucking working. Yeah, I'm working I'm moving I'm changing positions your feet are sinking not only fucking that but fucking

Friday morning, you got to wake up at five in the fucking morning to do a press tour You know, I mean and then like you don't then you can't don't get any sleep your diets fucked up You don't know where to eat. You know, I mean so you eat a hamburger at McDonald's on the way to the show I mean, it's like it's not easy Well, you look at can I have a drag of a cigarette at least you could do whatever you want? Are you sure? Yeah, because it's like, you know, I mean that you know, I think I'm getting buzzed from your thing So may I smoke a cigarette and help me smoke a little cigarette there?

But yeah, I mean It's tough, but you know what guys can I say this Anyone listening right now? I think the moral of the story is this is is that? Joey and I look a lot of people don't like me, you know, I mean I have my haters I mean I have a lot of fans also and the reason why I have the lab my girlfriend's beautiful The reason why I have all these things is not because I'm unique or special It's because of the fact that a long time ago I Did a scary thing which is choose to stand up. All right the first time you go up

It's very scary like your heart. You know, I mean beating you're shaking You know, I mean you convince yourself don't do it, you know, I had a friend of Randy who made me do it The first night you have to do it. I'll never talk to you again. I went up there and It's like a literally jumping out of a plane, you know, like You go adrenaline, you know, I mean and I just remembered making funny noises on stage because I don't really have any jokes So I went up and I went Right and I did that for three minutes because I knew that I make Randy laugh, right and then afterwards people were like that was fucking weird, right and then like a Month later, I did open mics at the comedy store, right and Pauly saw me go up

And I did same thing the noise thing noises, right? And then I was just you know, no joke It was just acting really weird on stage and Pauly goes, dude, you're fucking weird, bruh I go, oh, thanks. He goes. I want you to open for me in Vegas And then do I'm not kidding you two months after that. This is like three or four months into comedy I open for him in front of 5,000 people at the top of the rift You know, I mean, but my point is is this is that I fucking Did it I walked through that fear, you know, I mean and I religiously made myself do something that was that scary

And I just really believe that if you want to have a big life, you have to take big risks You're to the same fuck it and just to go for it, you know, I mean And I know you do you and I don't appreciate, you know, I mean that part of ourselves because it's just innate in us And we we already did it, you know, I mean, but it is a fucking crazy thing We chose to even do this in the fucking first place You mean and look at what it's got us. I mean you talk about you know, I mean you being on set with Tracy Morgan And Adam Sandler for that movie, you know, I mean, you know a couple years ago I was on the dictator I did scenes with Sir Ben Kingsley and Ed Norton, you know, I mean

And I'm like sitting on a couch talking about believe it when it's happening. It's happening. You're like I'm an open I was an open like her. Why is he's great? Like Ben Kingsley? Hey, um, so when you tell me the law that line You know, just slow it down a bit so that you know and really connect and in my head I'm like, I can't fucking believe I I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here Like what the fuck am I doing here? I don't even I've never taken a class. I don't know nothing It's fucking crazy, right And and yet, you know, you you're in these situations because not because I'm talented or but you are talented I'm not like isn't don't you know, it's not it's not talent. That's what listen. It's not talent

That's the best thing Connor McGregor has ever said in his life. This is not talent. This is an obsession That's what it is. But session, but don't you think that your obsession creates talent? No, stand up, dude I've never thought I had talent. No, what the fuck people are talking about. It's what it is is this it's repetition All right, when you do something enough eventually what happens is the fear and The and the fear of failing goes away because you've failed so many times that you inevitably grow a thick skin You do so then eventually bombing doesn't destroy you as much and then eventually you're kind of immune to it I mean, it hurts a little bit. You hate it, but it's it doesn't a like when you go home

You're watching CNN and you you forget about it, right? But it's like you eventually it's just repetition and walking through fear and as if you fail enough You become immune to it and then when you become immune to it, you're yourself Yeah, but there's there's a lot of people who have been doing open mics for 10 20 years, whatever I'm not gonna say that you're like the Mount Rushmore of comedy, but you have there has to be some talent involved in it You here's the thing is is that I will agree this I will agree with this I can I know I know how comedy is supposed to work Like when you when I when I was a kid I used to watch George Carlin you would watch him and go Okay, I see, you know, I mean you you you laugh and then you kind of think why did I laugh at that?

Because you know, you thought he was saying this and then he said that you know means it was a switch or whatever So you you learn, you know as a kid you analyze like why a joke works, but it's like I'm fucking You know, I'm not a talented I really think and I've thought this for a while that and actually Denzel had a line about this in Gangs of the King of Gangs when you were wherever it was Where he said like the loudest person in the room is the weakest one in the room I think that if you think you're good at something you're probably not great at it If you think you're terrible like what you think you're terrible at it's because you have so much pride or so much

So much a love for it that it's never gonna be good enough even when it is I'd laugh Every movie when I get on every movie and I do a take I giggle inside Yeah, like when they're like, all right, you ready for your scene and I walk out on set and people come up to me like mr. Diaz Are you okay? I'm like this poor bastard, you know, yeah people. I don't even know how I got here Like how did I get hired for this shit if these people knew that 20 years ago I was crawling through a fucking window to steal somebody's blow They only fucking knew Believe I'm on this fucking set with these nice white people and people with a lip brush

Taking a lint off my shirt and trying to make me look nice and you're like why yeah, yeah And when I was on animal practice, right? I would show up an hour early Because I can't fucking believe you even want me and yeah, I can't believe you why I don't want to get fired You can't I can't believe it. I'm doing scenes with a monkey It was like a monkey one time I had to do a dialogue scene with the monkey and that's cameras on me But it has the back of the monkey's head and I'm killing it like I'm like and then they're like we have to do it again Because the monkeys had moved and I'm like and they're like we're so sorry. I go fuck it. Yeah, man

I'm doing a scene with a monkey Like this is not supposed to ever happen. They have no idea. I'm supposed to be dead I don't like when I see people who take shit seriously in this business. Yeah, it drives me crazy What do you mean by take it seriously when I go on a set and like like I was on a set with this really so-called famous director on a TV show TV show sucked And the director was old and he was out of fucking touch But still in Hollywood he counted for something and I got that he was blasting music Like it was the loudest music I ever heard on set in my world a star does that, you know

I'm saying like Brad Pitt could do that like, you know The direct I go what's going on? They like the world director is good friends with Bruce Springsteen So he likes to listen to him loud. Oh fuck that punk ass bitch Yeah, like that set was misery for me because there was ego so much ego all the way on the way up, you know There was so much ego that I did a commercial once with it You know, you could always if I could tell who the director is by his outfit. Yeah So you did a commercial who's the director? I don't know what his name was but he was uncomfortable very uncomfortable I got to an argument and he never messed with me again throughout the whole production. It wasn't Joe Pitca

Was it? No, that's my boy. You love Joe Pitca. So he's the guy that that books a lot of commercials or something No, he's a director. He's like he did like the bone-nose campaign He did he's supposed to be like the Spielberg of Joe Pitca directed me in the Taco Bell commercial I did with the dog. Oh, you did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he had a company. Yeah, put me in three commercials That dude. Yeah, you made a lot of money. Yeah. Yeah, I did 20 commercial You know what he used to say to me used to call me pan-phase gook Joe pick yeah got that fucking he fucking told a fucking girl That was he had hired you have whore hair

You look like a whore. He was crazy He was fucking crazy and he was the only man that ever worked for were literally I was scared shitless 24-7 like I remember like Yeah, I did a commercial for him and I go I'll never work for him again And then like eight years later I get a call Joe wants because it was the one I was on mad TV because he wants to do another IBM commercial I go, you know what I could handle it Because you know, I've already done it

You know, I mean I could get as soon as I said that's honest I literally pee was coming out of my penis big guy, right? Yeah, he's tall. He has white hair Yeah, big guy. He retired. He was a legend like he was the best commercial director of all time, right? Let me tell you his solid with your uncle Joey. Yeah, he hired me for the first Taco Bell commercial with the dog Yeah, it was a Miami commercial. I got the call back. It was shooting on The 3rd of July 4th of July 5th of July. I get down the 3rd of July and they go. Amen They cut the commercial but Joe wants you to hang out here for the three days. They're still gonna pay you. Oh Okay, I said, okay. Well day one I eat. I don't say nothing. I'm very happy just to be on this set

Stay to during lunch, you know, we're doing our thing. Yeah, Joey, you know, some guys are fucking with me I'm fucking with them. He heard my voice and he came over to me after lunch. He goes stick around today I'm not pushing this about commercial Because they were like if you won't leave a five that's your eight hours But if you want to stay till midnight, you can stay till midnight. We'll pay you the overtime. Just don't stay out of our way That's when this is 97 when commercials were still commercials where you could get rich off the fucking commercial and The next day he came up to me. He goes, I'm gonna put you in a scene. I don't give a fuck And he put me in this scene like did it and six weeks later

I got a call from the actor that there was three stand-ups and that on that set I was a principal. The other guy was a principal and the other guy was an extra The guy that was the top principal called me. He goes did you get your letter from? Taco Bell I go no and he goes yeah, I got my letter. They didn't pick me up. They're probably not gonna pick you up either If you picked you up And the extra got picked up because the extra had contact with me so that extra has contract with a principal He automatically becomes a principal. So every time I saw that comic he did everything but suck my dick Because I told him just stick next to me. We're gonna get this commercial together

So he jumped I go get the thing and shine my shoes. Yeah, and he was shining my shoes during the commercial So he became a principal So every time I see that guy till today, he stops what he's doing and he comes over and gives me a big hug And that was Joe picker. He put me in I want to say something that I want to apologize for what I said earlier about Joe pick No, seriously He did call me those things, right, but I wanted to say this I He gave me a commercial once where I made three hundred fifty thousand dollars. No, you did. That's what I got. I did No, you did. Yeah, it was a campaign for IBM and I

I want to apologize to Joe. Thank you so much for that You know, I mean, I was uncomfortable during your sets because I mean on your on your set because I felt Intimidated but I just want to thank you for putting me in your commercials and I really apologize He put me in three fucking. Yeah, I want to apologize. You're the best and That's it. You know what? Your fucking marijuana smoke got into my mind. Let me call to do these things Let me get some shout outs Brian Nelson Paranormal Diane Mattel Julio Villalobos

Villalobos Chris MacDougan Andrew Nelson Laval Michaels and Joey Zaza tweets Look at you sexy motherfucker. Bobby Lee's gonna be at the Improv in Houston, Texas February 12th to the 14th. That's Valentine's Day bitches I'm gonna be at the Charlotte Comedy zone this weekend and next week. I'm at St. Louis Helium, I'm sorry if I got you. I didn't mean to know that's fine. I'm totally fine. Every smoke. I'm totally fine

What's up with you Lisa? I can't suck a happy for the new office. Yeah, I'm doing great I have a tomorrow a new episode of life in neutral with Johnny Rock. All right, and yeah, I'm just doing great I'm really happy about this. It's a it's it's like when people hearing you talk about all the nice thing that people did for you This is done. I know this this is the nicest thing that anyone's done for me. This is the tall man What no, I mean, I mean No, but it's This is and what you guys I mean, it's it's a different thing But for me, you're gonna cry right now. No. Oh well, who knows but

Like coming out and doing this pot like podcasting. It's in November was two years that I've only done podcasting and And it's it's I'm now where you're like Where you guys were I don't know how many years in but it's It's nice to see those nice things and and Joe when when Joey takes me out to dinner It's it's we went to Jerry's deli a few weeks ago a week ago And I had a road I had a roast beef sandwich and it was just it's It's nice and it's nice to see that you guys remember it these many years later Like when you when you guys see doorman that when you were a doorman like do you go over and give them a hug?

Yeah, I'll hug them, but I talked to them. I talked to the young guy. Yeah. Yeah, I talked to them Yeah, I do their shows Listen, man, I can't tell you how good Andrew dice clay was to me That's a Bobby Lee. I can't tell you how nice ball Mooney was to me You know me Joe, you know many stakes Joe Rogan has bought me. You have any idea? How many $50 stakes that kid has bought me? More than my mother. I've been friends with Joe for 20 years My mother was only around for 16 and my mother ate a lot of steaks

Understand me. Yeah, so how can I not buy everybody else's steak? You know, I'm a fucking lobster tail. You know, many times I went to eat with Joe and I had no money in my pocket He'd say hey, man, we're gonna get the seafood tower and I'd sit there and go see if I'll eat the ice You know how it is. Yeah, I'll just take you out. So you have to do that You have to do that. I have to show the young guys don't and I've said this on this show a thousand times The better I treat the young guys the better my career and the better comedian. I will become that's Fucking thing right there, dude You know, there's a book called the seven spiritual laws of success. It's by Deepak Chopra

one of the laws of success is You have to go out of your well way and help other people achieve success That's one of the laws. Why does he say that works? Well, there's a bunch of stuff that's in there. You have to meditate and all that stuff But it's just it's a karmic. It's karma. I believe it's it's you know, if you help people Achieve success. It's selfless, right? It's not about you and I think just energy-wise. It just comes back at you, dude You know you generate your own energy When you go to yoga, you open your chakras and you generate your own energies

You have kinetic energy and it becomes potential energy not by you sitting there like a putz But by doing, you know, this podcast is about I bring a thousand people on this podcast that we've all had the same struggle We've all started a place when we sucked Nobody liked this and then we saw the evolution of men We saw how there were people didn't like you ten years ago. They'll suck your dick now You follow me especially when you on mad TV, right or wrong Yeah, there's people that stop talking to you after mad TV Yeah, you learned about human, but all you could do is never get better and keep looking at those younger guys

Give them hugs Tell them they did great because this is what happens when I see you and I go you're hungry Whatever a steak, whatever the fuck you want. It just makes me a better comic and a better man And that at the end of the week Every day you want to be a better fucking man I struggled in a drug addiction for years where at the end of the night I would cry myself to sleep because this isn't the life. I chose it was a life. I had been caught up in But every day you struggle and when you see somebody and you help somebody out

And it doesn't need to be financially Bobby Lee. It could just be going up to something going But I was a great set. Yeah, that was a great show Not me sitting in the back going when Bobby Lee does a funny joke I don't do nothing over that just makes you a fucking jackpot like everybody else. It's when I come up to you after a show I don't know what's going on in your mind. You know what? You might have just killed, but your mother's in the house And me coming up to you little dog. That's a good fucking joke when you get in your car That might just bring a teeter you are That just might that's the shit that makes comics. That's the way I was taught to be a comedian

But it wasn't the way I was taught to be a comedian. That's how you're taught to be a fucking man Becky how hot is Becky? How hot is Becky? She's beautiful. Yeah, she's fucking beautiful. Yeah, everybody in this room. What's it? Did you see her father good? She looked in those pants What am I gonna do by hitting on Becky? You can't hit on everybody. No, you can't these little things you have to do as a man And that's it. You can't I'd love to fucking eat Becky's asshole and sniff it and let her do jiu-jitsu for an hour My face But you can't bang everybody that's part of being a man, you know

There's little things that we forget We forget Gabarulo forgot, you know people forget, but you know what but he was young and I believe I believe he will change and I will I believe that he'll get better Yeah, he will because he just lost it and it happens like I said, I lost it with the longest yard But it went in the other direction It didn't propel my ego it propelled my sadness Because I let myself believe that a movie was gonna change my life. Yeah You really let yourself we for a long time. We said when I get mad TV that I'll show them

It's not that you got sober and you realize what you had and you helped the younger guys when you took that rider and then go come I'm a butch in the sketch. Yeah that thing and I could see you I remember I got a call one day going you and the other kid would put me in a sketch Yeah, and I saw how you were I saw what you had become on that show You were no longer the kid in the corner now you had your hands on you would do oh, yeah, yeah, you know And I was proud of you. I'm like look at Bobby Lee calling me in for a day's pay Hugging me in front everybody, you know, Bobby didn't just go get the fuck out He hugged me to make everybody know this is my brother. He eats the best off that crap service motherfucker

He gets the sandwiches made and that's what this whole thing is about It's not hating Bobby when he's on stage Or hating this guy because he got a TV show you have to be happy because when I'm happy I know that I'm that much closer if I'm happy for Bobby. Oh Shit Bobby got a TV show that means my numbers gotta be fucking next because I was on that same production line We were on that same production line that's it We were on the mitzvah production line and in my world that means something when I didn't have an agent When I didn't have a fucking I didn't go to Montreal when I didn't get a half hour special

I didn't got nothing. I had something over anybody in this town mitzvah touch me Nobody else made me a regular. I didn't send a tape to nobody I auditioned for that bitch twice and she touched me so I always knew I had something fucking Yeah, you're pussy like others did though. Did you know I did know I did know a couple of comics that were friends with that Pussy and it's fucking Let's give me this Don't forget. I gotta go do because I love you. I love you too. I love you. I just leave that cool. That's cool I'll read that all right. All right. I'm happy you drove up here. I don't have a podcast at 11

Just don't steal my white lighter. That's the only thing That's mine because it's not I go to smoke weed. I got no like I love you, man. I love you. That was great. Thank you for the story. Thank you again, brother Nice to see you, Bobby. All right, don't forget as usual We got great sponsors. This one is no different. This is their first night with us and I gotta tell you something I'm very impressed. I gave it to Lisa. I gave it to Damon And Damon installed it and he fucking loved it. All right, so let me uh Let me just read this to you and you guys tell me what that there's a sound of a package being delivered

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Pressing church and bam you get free FedEx shipping when you go to ring.com slash church That's ring.com slash church. And as usual, I'd like to thank my main sponsors over there at honor.com always Always with the best product if it's not the hemp force protein It's the tea at I mean they just have stuff every time I go to their webpage I'm in shock, but I always think, you know, me. I'm an old-fashioned guy the shumtech sport the shumtech immune and the protein I live and die by those I live and die with I had a hemp force today after I took mercy to the park I love that with my banana my water a little I'm a little bit of sugar tremendous guys Anyway, don't listen to me go to honor.com right now

If you see something you like go to the box and press in church and get 10% off Your first order and this again like ring and all my products get delivered to your door Okay, this gets delivered to your door if you want to get on the stay on it program Where they deliver different packages to your door every month just let them know they have to stay on it program You get additional 10% I like to thank our new sponsor ring.com Go to ring and see all the advantages that doorbell gives you I like to thank honor.com I'd like to thank bobby lee and my main man lisa. Yeah, you happy cocksucker. I'm thrilled. Thank you buddy. It was uh This was fun. It's it's gonna be a lot of fun in the studio tremendous one. We'll be back wednesday afternoon

It's just me and lee and a calling show. I love you guys. Thank you very much And as usual should we play some music a little turntable music for you? Let me do the air real quick and just to show you guys what we got here tonight I'm gonna play a little bit of fucking Let's see I'm gonna play what I was playing the periscope. I bought a little bit of uh In through the outdoor in the evening. How's that motherfucker? Sounds good This show is brought to you by ring go to ring.com slash church right now to get free expedited fedex shipping

It's ring.com slash church for the brand new best video doorbell on the market shows also brought to you by onit.com Use code word church to get 10 off all the great optimization products Thank you See you wednesday. Have a great tuesday. Good night cocksucker in through the outdoor Like I said before 1979 a tremendous fucking album You I Oh

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