Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #352 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: February 2, 2016

  Tom Rhodes, comedian and host of "Tom Rhodes Radio" podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 02/01/2016.
   Music:  I Wanna Be Around  - Tony Bennett Wheels OF Confusion - Black Sabbath  

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products. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers, Monday, February 1st. You know what happens on the 1st? Everybody's down to zero, bitches. We're all the fucking same on the 1st. Hey, in the wreck. Yeah, it really is. We're all fucking the same on the 1st.

Tom Rhodes in studio. My main man as usual, the flying Jew. What happened this weekend? I had a great weekend. You went to see pugs? Yeah. You went down. You didn't buy one?

No, no. You went to the top one? What the fuck? I wish. But I took a page out of your book. Ever since I've been dating my girlfriend, you try to buy expensive gifts. You try to jewelry. They tell you that's what you need to buy.

Bullshit. You go to Zales. You get fucked in the ass. They put you on a credit card. It's for a fucking ring that's hollow. They fuck you. They fuck you. And it's never, I like giving gifts and I've never quite gotten the reaction from her that

I've wanted. She's always liked it, but it's never like excited or speechless. And I told her, I was like, the gift you're going to like the most is the one that I spent the least on. I called the pug rescue. I said, do you mind? Is it cool? My girlfriend loves pugs.

She can come down and play. And they said, of course. So we went down there and spent like two hours just playing with dogs and she had all she's been talking about. She had a great time. Sometimes it's the simplest shit, you know what I'm saying? Right or wrong? That's beautiful.

It really is beautiful. Look at the leaf. And we went to like a fancy dinner the night before. It cost like a hundred bucks. It was a nice dinner. And then it's the playing with shelter dogs that made her a year. Like she's saying, we have to do it all the time now. But you both have good marriages.

So it's, you know what it takes and it's, I'm learning now because this is my first real real one. It takes to be with a woman who is happy with simple things. It really is. Isn't that crazy? My wife, she didn't want an expensive wedding ring. Like I wanted to, you know, the ego in the man, you know, only like, you know, I never thought I'd get married.

So whatever. But I thought always you got to get a spectacular ring. She insisted on like a really simple ring. She doesn't. She hates spending money. She doesn't like to shop. How long have you been married now? Five years in April.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. That came out of nowhere either. Like you went. I was the last person in the world. I thought we'd get married. Really? Yeah.

My parents are divorced. I thought it was outdated institution and didn't want anything to do with it. Never saw an example of a good marriage. You know, but my wife is amazing. She's a great woman. She's from Holland and she's a photographer. We, a lot of shit happened in my life. I've had a massive transformation.

You know, my father was killed by a drunk driver in 2009. That really fucked me up. Because my dad, he was like life of the party guy, always had a cocktail in the hand. Vietnam veteran. He flew helicopters in Vietnam. He was shot down. He was a tough, bad motherfucker. Everyone died in the helicopter except for him and his co-pilot who he dragged across

a field under heavy fire and then they had to wait in the bushes for like three hours. After he died, I found the letter from the army saying why he got like five medals for this. Oh, he never called you? No, no, no, he did. But he didn't like elaborate on the story. I knew that he had been shot down. You know, like badass veterans don't like talk about stuff.

But I was close with my dad. He told me, you know, how he had saved a guy and unhooked him and dragged him across a field and shit. But I didn't realize that, you know, how it's a Hollywood movie basically. Anyway, my dad loved comedy. He had comedy albums prior was his favorite. That's why, you know, my dad drove me to my first open mic night, all this shit. So I was like really fucked up when he died and angry at the drunk driver who killed him.

And so my wife really like nursed me through this shit. And then I realized I'm never going to find a woman as amazing as her. And we planned to get married and then my sister had stage four breast cancer for four and a half years. And then a few days before we were going to get married, they said she's got 24 hours to live. And we got married at my sister's hospital bedside the day before she died of cancer. And like I was really close with my sister.

You know, just the fact that my wife would do that. And because like, I don't know, a lot of women would be like, I ain't giving up my big day. I ain't getting married in a hospital, right? You know, but like I got married in a fucking hospital. Just to my sister before she died of cancer. And she clapped and said congratulations through her breathing mask. It was the last word she ever spoke. And like, and so like then that like really fucked me up.

I was like really angry after that. So then I was angry at God because like I always, you know, believed in God and my family's really religious and shit. So I went through this massive, you know, it was really difficult couple years. And then my, my wife really nursed me. We're traveling around the world. She helped me, you know, heal and laugh again and shit. So I mean, my wife is, is incredible.

When you said you were mad at God, what did you feel like? Like, well, I tell you, man, I went to, because my family are all Jesus freaks. And I never, you know, like, I think you should be a good person and don't be a cock. And that was Jesus's message. Don't be a cock. So I was never like a real, you know, church person reading the Bible, all that. And I've been open to, you know, I was obsessed with Buddhism when I was younger and I'm fascinated by religions and things like that.

But I was, and I've always been at, you know me, you know me for years. I've always been a really happy guy. After my sister died, I had so much anger and it was really, we went to Ireland. I had gigs after my wedding and there was this, there's a late night hamburger place in Ireland called Supermax and they're all over Ireland. And you don't want to be in a Supermax after midnight because it's drunks looking for fights. And I was in Galway, my favorite place in Ireland. If you ever go to Ireland, Dublin's great, but Galway is just the shit.

It's this mini San Francisco university seaport. If you were a musician or gay in Ireland, you would go to Galway. So there's a cool rock club there where everybody played the Pogues and U2 and Sinead O'Connor and that's, that's how they do the comedy. The guy that owns it's one of my oldest friends in comedy. So we're there and like one o'clock in the morning, we wanted to get some, some food and his brother was with him. So it's my wife, Kevin, his brother, we're in Supermax.

There's these rugby drunk thugs in there, fuck him with Kevin and his brother. They're looking for a fight. And then we got out of there, but his brother was still in there. And these four guys all jump on him and start pounding him. And then Kevin runs in to help his brother. I'm not a fighter, but I'm not, you know, and then- You can't let somebody get beat on. I'm not going to, you know, I'm going to help my friend, you know.

If something happens, I'm always there for my friends, right? And then also, it's my honeymoon, man. You don't want to look like a coward on your honeymoon. That could fucking be a black mark on your wedding, on your marriage forever. It gets into a fight in the fucking honeymoon. I look at her and I look at my wife and I go, I'm going in, baby, it's Kevin. And she's like, yeah, so I go in and I haven't punched anybody in, I don't know, 20 years. And this guy, he was the shit stirrer who had started it.

I run in, I punched a guy in the cheek and apparently like that's the last place in the world you want to hit somebody because this is bone. I broke my finger and I had to go to the hospital the next day. But I mean, you know, the fight was pretty much done when I went in there, you know. I was like Dean Martin in an old West movie, saloon fight, you know. I looked good, nobody hit me, somebody goes by, so I'm totally Dean Martin in there. But we went, after we did Galway, we go to Dublin and I was talking to an Irish comedian friend of mine and I told him the story about my sister Diane and getting into the fight

and he said, you know what I think, Tom? I think you wanted to punch God in the face and God wasn't available and that's why you punched that guy. So yeah, I wanted to punch. Yeah, it makes sense. Yeah. Did you get in there? I wanted to punch God in the face.

So if you're that guy that I hit. You're sorry. Sorry, I was, I was upset. Oh, I hope you punched the Holy Spirit out of me, you know what I'm saying? That's really weird because I always describe that. I describe being mad at God, you know what I'm saying? Like just a couple of times in my life when you're central nervous breakdown, you know. Yeah, when you're down.

When you're down. Down. You can't explain why God would do something like this. Can't you see how I wound it down here, you fuck, and then you're gonna throw something else on top of me? So you're the first person a long time that I've heard say that, that's why I thought it was interesting. Yeah.

No, that, you know, when you got married, I had heard it. You're like the grapevine and I was in shock and I didn't know anything about the hospital. Now I'm more fucking shocked, but you're one of those dudes, you know, you're a real comedian. When I got into comedy, it was to do what you do. But then I had the felonies. I can't travel abroad so I killed that whole fucking dream. So how to make what I got, you know what I'm saying? I go like Catalina Island and make believe.

But you've led that life. You know, somebody gave me a book for you. It's one of those books that you open up and it's a safe memory when we were kids, you would open up those books. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And for me, he gave me, I forget the name body and soul or something, but for me, he gave me a Lenny Bruce, the one I always talk about how to talk dirty and influence people. The other one, the one that he lives in the Chelsea and he's doing heroin with the jazz

musicians. And when I read that, that was the fucking book. What the hell? Chocolate on the table. And I got it all over me, cock-sucking. When you had it over here, that's what happens when you put it on the table. Marijuana chocolate? Yeah, yeah.

So reading that, that's what really, like I was getting, this was way before I got separated. This was when I was about 27, 20, I just got out of prison. I read that book when I was locked up and I was like, this is an interesting life. This is no responsibility life. Like if you want it, you could just live under the fucking radar. So when I got into comedy, it was to live under the radar, to just travel and whatever came around. No one to answer to?

Nobody to answer to? No one to look out for you? Nothing. When you're out there driving in some fucking town in, you know, Missoula, Montana, you don't know what's going on, trying to outrun a hurrick, a tornado. There's a point where you're sitting there a little confused. But then you're like, what am I confused about? There's no confusion here.

I got no boss. I'm going to do 60 miles an hour. I'm going to drive to the tank goes empty, fill it up, get something to eat and then finish driving and get to my gigging on those triple runs when you first start. They could be a little fucking irritating those triple runs, you know? I never did those. Really? I mean, I did.

I went to, I stayed in Montana at Rich Hall's. He owns a ranch. Right, right. He's like an old friend of mine. And my wife and I spent a month at his ranch like five years ago. And then for fun, I did those, I did like a few of those gigs because they were notoriously the worst gigs in America, but tremendous, the toughest gigs, tremendous for a comedian and they build a lot of character and they teach you how to live all $50 a day when you

want to do coke and drink with Montana Coke. Wow. Let me tell you something. I got some fucking coke in Montana one time. That was so good. I got good coke all Idaho. I went from Houston to somewhere in Oregon or it was either Oregon or Idaho and I got some fucking blow from a door chick that was so fucking hot guys.

This guy was thinking or he was way ahead of the game. This had to be 2000. This guy was already ahead of the game. He had a hot chick at the door taking IDs. This bitch was so fucking hot, big country woman, big natural titties, wrangles on, you know, boots, fucking banging. And after I did comedy, she came over to me and she's like, you do blow. And she's like, the Mexicans in the back have some tremendous shit.

Just I'm like, wait for like, and I was headlining. So they gave me like a hundred bucks. I was like, fuck yeah, what can I get for 60 and they gave me a half a eighth. So she goes, you know, she gives me the half eighth and she goes, where are you staying at the whatever hotel? And I go, yeah. And I went back with the comic, we did a couple lines and then I said, fuck, let me go back to my room.

But an hour later, the angel knocked on my door, but she was a banger. This was real. This is, you know, this is life on the road. You meet a chick that's fucking gorgeous. You think that she, you know, this chick probably works at a dog shelter Monday through Friday. That's what she looked like. And she came over and she's like, you can I get high with you? I brought beers or something.

I go, sure. I was awake anyway. You know, I made it like I had him touch the coke and all of a sudden she took her works out in this little fucking town in Montana. She took works out and took some of the coke and melted it and shot herself. No shit. I had to go outside. Is that what work is?

That work is just. Yeah. Works as needles. She showed up. She showed up with a little fucking pack. I know. Did you watch Blacksploitation films in the seventies? I never knew it was called works.

Holy shit. I had to go outside. I had to go outside because I thought I was in a faint. I had to take the coke with me because I didn't trust a bitch either. Now that opened up a complete different, you know. Is that popular or shoe coke? You know, listen, I've seen maybe two people do it in my life. I was never really around needles, you know, people who do needles attract other people

do needles. You know, it's like when I first moved to Hollywood, the chicks next to us were heroin chicks. Two hot lesbian chicks that just ate each other and did heroin and both of them had body odor to kill a fucking loose because I talked to her once by the pool. I go, what's that smell? That's because you're probably talking about us. I just may believe like, what's that smell?

And they told me they wouldn't use soap with showers because the soap would clean their pores and they don't want their pores to be clean. You want your pores to be congested so the heroin doesn't sweat out. So it sits in your fucking body. That's gross. That dedication. And every time you eat chocolate or something, it kicks it back open. So heroin people don't like sweating.

They like to fill their pores up and shit with fucking concrete or whatever the fuck they do. Wait, were they the ones that sold meat? Who? How did they make a living? These two broads, one of them was like a trust. This was the craziest building. Me, Josh Wolfe, the girl next to us was beautiful.

Beautiful. Had a kid. Every dad's here with a resume, going on an acting audition. One night I put Showtime on there. She was sucking a dick on Showtime, my neighbor, that the girl next to her, the two lesbians, didn't bathe. Then the girl next to her held the weed for the guy who lived on the fourth floor or the second floor, white lightning.

He was a Jewish guy that hung out with Jewish, he was a Jewish guy that hung out with black women and did a Jamaican night at some bar on, fuck, I swear to God, you can't write this shit. So he would get 10 pounds sent in from Jamaica. So he was a pussy. So he would hide in the garage and he would give this chick half of it. She would steal half of it and sell it to us. We'd give her coke, she'd suck your dick and then we'd steal an eighth from her weed.

She had no chin. It was unbelievable. This chick had no fucking chin. It's amazing how you find buildings. This isn't, you asked me if I knew what a rig was, no. I have no idea. The second floor also lived. A Mexican kid who sold coke and he didn't get home until two.

So once he came home, the party started. The girl on the first floor was a promoter at one of the bars. So she'd bring freaks home and there was a pool in the backyard. I never got laid back. I can tell you a thousand stories. There were all young girls. I was 32. I lived upstairs with Joshua, but that's how crazy that fucking building was.

The chick with the chin sucked my dick a few times without the chin. I forget what her name was. She was from Connecticut. She had no chin. But she had gigantic titties and that's all that matters, I guess, at that time. You know what I'm saying? When you're doing powder and craziness, it just. That's crazy.

It just magnetizes people. Like Coke just brings people. Like I've never had anyone knock on my hotel room door. Attract heroin people. You know, how many times you bump into something that says you want to lie in the heroin? Never. Because they just, they know. Only Hedberg.

Really? Everybody has different senses. Yeah. And I never, I never got into hard drugs. I stopped doing hard drugs a couple of years ago. I stopped drinking alcohol. Did you? Two years ago.

You see the scar on my forehead? Yeah. It's getting smaller. What was that scar from? I blacked out in Philadelphia. Out of helium? I was performing in helium. Oh, Jesus Christ.

And I was there in New Year's Eve two years ago and three sold out shows, New Year's Eve, and then the way the weekend was, I had January 1st, the Thursday off, and they wanted me to stay for the Friday, Saturday. So never am I in a city with a night off. And my wife was in Holland visiting her mother. So like, if she was with me, I think I would have fallen into her. So you want the long version or the short version? Short version.

So I had just move up a little bit. Don't do the thing up. Keep talking. I had 10 pints this year in Nevada. Very normal evening. I was in some little working man's bar on Sandsome Street and I just blacked out and fell like a tree off this bar stool. Just booze?

Just booze. Yeah. And then my head hit the tile floor and some guys, once my head hit the floor, I was wide awake. And then I feel this dude grabbing me by the arm and he screams out to the bar, we got to call an ambulance. And I turn to him and I go, I go, fuck that. I don't have health insurance.

Don't you dare call an ambulance? And he looks at me and he goes, you got to get to a hospital. I said, how far is the nearest hospital? And he goes, two blocks. I go, two blocks and you were going to call an ambulance? It's like $15,000. Yeah. Are you kidding me?

Yeah. I mean, that's life in America. So I grabbed a wad of napkins and I walked like John Wayne to the emergency room, sat there and then the next day, I had these Frankenstein stitches on my forehead and a black eye. And the last couple of years, I've always been a heavy drinker, always been a big partier. It's part of my identity. I just felt sluggish, like an athlete. We lose step after, you know, you get a little older.

And I was starting to get that fat, boozy alcoholic face that my dad had and like the booze nose and shit. And I look in the mirror the next day and I got these Frankenstein stitches and a black eye and I was like, I want to go one year seeing what it's like not being drunk every night of my life. Because, you know, in a comedy, we get paid in, you know, one of the, the only perk is free drinks. So like, you know, I always drank like a fish everywhere.

It was part of the, you know, the benefits. So I went one year and I got so much shit done and I didn't have this low magnitude depression all the time. And then being hungover all the next day and feeling like shit and all these things I wanted to do is like, you know, you feel bad about yourself because, you know, you're not achieving everything you want to be doing. So I felt so great after a year and got so much shit done. I was like, fuck, I'm going to stick with this and it's been two years and now I just

gave up the cigarettes. How do you feel after two years? What do you feel? Incredible. What is your nightlife now? Do you just go to a hotel, drink coffee? You know, now you gave up the fucking cigarettes. So that goes, you know, why drink the coffee if you ain't got the fucking cigarettes.

No, I love coffee. And I love cigarettes. I still love cigarettes and I still love booze. I love drinking. I just like, you know, I, you know, I love wine. I know a lot about wine. I envision myself maybe in my 60s, maybe having a glass of wine, but I think a nice 10 year stretch at least, seeing how much shit I can get done.

I mean, I love comedy. I love making jokes and, you know, I've been working on a book for a few years. There's like a lot of shit I want to be doing. Now, you know, look at all these comedians banging out new hour specials every year. You know, it's been a couple of years since my last special. I'm really working my ass off to get my next hour. You know, I'm motivated and I'm happy. Like I said, the main thing is I don't have that low magnitude depression all the time,

which just happens when you're fucking boozing all the time. What do you mean by that low magnitude depression? Do you drink all the time? I don't know. There's a certain underlying funk that you feel all the time and you think, oh, I'm hungover and it'll wear off, whatever. But then like, use the evening comes and I never drank before shows. It was always after, you know, I loved comedy too.

I mean, like, sure, some second show Fridays, I was hammered, but for the most part, my rule of thumb was never, you know, drink before you go on stage. Anyway, there's just a. Did you feel this way? Like when you were starting comedy and drinking? No, no, I feel like when I was young, I feel like comedy is the drug. Getting on stage for me is the drug and thinking up jokes again. It's great because at one point, you know, it's like, you know, my dad was the life of

the party. I'm the life of the party. I always intertwined comedy with being the life of the party, you know, you're the party leader. And like prior also, one of my favorites, just the mythology of people who party all my heroes died fat naked and bloated on the bathroom tile. You know what I'm saying? Jim Morrison, Lenny Bruce, you know, so, you know, I wanted to be that, you know, wild

man, but, you know, you get a little older and you realize people you love start dropping dead and you realize, you know, man, there's a, there's a fucking hourglass to life. You only get so much, you know, when you're young and having fun, it just seems like this endless thread that's never going to end. Sarah Tiana was here a couple of nights ago and she said that she feels sometimes at an age as you the road. I mean, I was 50 when I was born. You know what I'm saying?

I looked 80 when I was born. It was fun, man. I always had a great time and, you know, I was, I was born on the road as a comedian, so I never had to hang ups about the road. And I always, it's a, it's, it's a necessary component to the whole program. I always felt, but then again, you know, I went and did way too much and playing all over the, I haven't lived anywhere in 10 years. I had everything in storage.

So I would spend six months of the year outside of the United States. Last month, last year I did five months in Europe, month in Asia, and then six months all over the States. You know, the year before that, I did a month in Australia, a month in New Zealand, and just, you know, relentlessly, you know, but you're the last real deal, but I'm talking about even from the beginning. I mean, when you first walk into your first open mic, you're nervous, you get up, boom. Then you go to your second, your third, then by the fourth, people like, Hey, let's have

a drink. And all of a sudden you become a social comic. You, you, you know, run into the comics, then you find your click and they're all a bunch of drinkers and druggers. They like to get high. And now all of you just go out together four nights a week to do comedy, which always means cocktails. There's not one night you're going to go out when you're in the beginning and not drink.

Drinking all night and hanging out with comedians is my favorite thing on the planet. And some people have to go to work, but they don't give a fuck. They stay up till three and do it again the next night. And are you getting like hammer hammer drunk? It's not like one or two drinks. Some nights you get really ripped and some nights you get the party started, but you eat something. You go eat with a bunch of comedians and you simmer down a little bit.

You know, some nights you go fucking for two days. I dedicated my life to that. Yeah. Some nights you go for two days and you don't know, you don't know till you get out there. You don't know what's going to happen. You might go to a bar and you know, most bars will tell you on the thing where you get two free drinks as a feature act and you get there and the chicks, the chicks from Connecticut. Now you got something to talk about mixing, you know, she's giving you free fucking drinks,

you know, I started out in Orlando and then I started, I started out on the Southern circuits after I, you know, got him a floor to them. When I went on the road, I played every town that ends in Villarboro in the Southern United States. I played fucking everywhere. The late eighties, the comedy zone out of Charlotte. They had a comedy zone in every holiday and holiday and creative. All over the Southern United States, so I started out on those gigs.

Every holiday in? Oh my God. From Prestonburg, fucking West Virginia to fucking Clarkville, Tennessee, like Florence, South Carolina, you know, Jackson, Mississippi. Jacksonville. They had them. They wanted Jacksonville. They had all those clubs.

The Tribble, on the other hand, has red lion ends. So all the red lion ends on the Northwest Tribble books, pretty much. Some of them are Mormon. You can't curse on stage, but some of them, they don't give a fuck. Some of them, the Mormons don't even give a fuck. They're out trying to get a piece of pussy too. It's Wednesday night. Happy Hour works for them too.

So I started out, you know, doing the, and then there was gigs in the Midwest and then, you know, I just was into this adventure and I was, I started when I was 17. So I went on the road when I was 18 after I graduated high school and I had a good enough car. My dad helped me get from this woman that he was fucking and I went everywhere and I would be gone for months and then, you know, go up to Chicago and do guest sets and hit, you know, I wanted to be a comedian and then I would, you know, I would work blocks, you know, Kansas City, wherever and Milwaukee and all over, you know, Lexington and, and

then I would systematically try and go do showcase sets at other places. So like, you know, talking about how bad the road was for me, the road was Homer's Odyssey, you know, I went on the road and I would go away for months at a time. My family never knew when I would be back. I'm really jealous of that lifestyle. It seems like it would be, and I can see that it probably is, is wearing and you miss, we miss certain things, but it seems like it would be so cool. You don't miss a fucking thing.

Like you'd be in Detroit, right? Like I'd be in Detroit working at Joey's comedy club and I have two shows and I'd be the feature act. So the show starts at 730, guy does 15, 740, I'm off at 815. I would schedule a showcase at all jokes aside and downtown Detroit at 845 and I go right from the stage into the car, shoot down there, run in, do a showcase, go back through the 1030 show. I was a gavone.

You have to be. You got to hustle, man. You got to hustle. That's the only way. You got to call the clubs and go, hey, Lisa, yeah, yeah, Joey Diaz, listen, I like to do a guest set. Who recommended you, Tom Rhodes, can I ask you a question, Mr. Sayah?

Yeah. Listen, I just want to know the person who books is going to be there to make a decision. Cause once I fucking destroy that fucking room, I don't want to leave there without a booking and they would just sit on the other end of the line. That's part of it. That's part. I got no choice. I got no choice.

I'm a salesman. And they would giggle sometimes. Sometimes they'd go, okay, come down to 830, wise ass and then hang up on me. I'd drop a name. Yeah, especially back then to play the game, you had to cover the land and you had to go showcase at these places and get passed. So you also, you had little room for error. You had to constantly kill, you know.

Constantly. And right. On the showcases. You know, it's like somebody, we went somewhere about two years ago, me, Brian, somebody else and we did a show and we went to the town ladies like, okay, what do you want to do? And we're like, we're going to a hotel room. We got to go freshen up before the show. She's like, I thought we were going to save money.

I was going to give it back to the comics. We could just hang out in the restaurant through 830. And I'm like, are you crazy? We did that. We go to a town, get there at two in the afternoon. You know, you got $3 in your pocket. You go to Wendy's, got a dollar burger and some fries and a soda and sit there and smoke cigarettes and wait six hours until the club opened and you're starving.

And then you got to go in and you know what? It's amazing. Like, hey, you have $44 for the holiday in and the club owner is like, you got a place to stay? Really? You could stay at the condo and I just leave in the morning. You're like, there you go. I just saved 50 bucks.

Your life is an adventure. It's an adventure. You don't, some days it don't work like that. Some days you got to call Western Union and say, Lisa, yeah, put $50, send it to fucking Jacksonville, Florida, this Western Union. What are you talking about? I need $50. Do you want me to come home for Christmas?

Yeah. It's amazing. It's amazing. Your life is just and you bump into people who will help you out. You go to a town, you do a show, a comic or say, what are you going to do? Nothing. I'm going to drive. What are you going to drive for?

I got a basement. I got cable TV. Nobody's home all day. Stay there, watch TV. I got a computer. You're like, Jesus, I just saved $100. I just saved $150 fucking dollars. This guy opened his home to me.

And that's what happens every day is different. You never got nervous about accepting those offers of staying at someone's house? Ah, comics were cool, man. Okay, so from comics. You worked with them for days. Like you just finished, like I was in Myrtle Beach one time and I worked the weekend and I was going to take a bus and this kid goes, what are you going to take a bus for? I'm driving back to South Carolina where you're going is eight hours away.

I go, so what am I going to do in Charleston? And he goes, stay with me. I stayed with him for four fucking days. The kid was a gentleman. He gave me pizza. He worked on a pizza place. He brought up pizza. It was fucking tremendous.

You never know. You never know until you get out there. There's a girl that's around here. There's a girl that, I forget what her name is, I just saw a Comedy Central special. 20 years ago, we were in Baltimore doing a Roger Paul fucking thievery gig. You know, 400. When you get there, it's 250 and there's no hotel. And her and her boyfriend were like, stay at our place.

It's right around the corner. You have no idea. They gave me a check. So I already had a round trip bus ticket. I couldn't cash a check at fucking midnight on a Saturday night. So I was stuck. They were like, stay at our house. The next morning I took the fucking bus back to New York.

I still remember all these things because they're miracles, but they wouldn't have happened unless I made the effort. Do you understand me? Like, I can't plan that shit. You can't plan that. You know, I don't know. Lee's going to tell me to stay on his couch. But unless I take getting that fucking car and make the drive, you'll never know.

You'll never fucking know. And that's what stops people. They go, I don't want to go out there. What if, what if nothing, get in the fucking car and drive? What if you run out of money? Who gives a fuck? It'll work out. It'll work out.

Just go out there. I just watched a very interesting movie that I had never, ever seen before and it blew my mind. I had to fucking come home and watch it again last night till fucking midnight. Really? Wild, Reese Witherspoon. When she backpacks across and she's a hooker, she's a fucking bitch. Oh, my wife saw that.

My wife loved the book, loved the movie. I never saw it. Fucking tremendous. Fucking tremendous. She got nominated, unbelievable. She gets fucked in that movie 800 times. This one scene in the restaurant, both guys fuck her. She's a waitress.

One guy fucks her from behind, but she's backpacking and she's thinking of all these thoughts and all these different situations. And there's a couple of times when she gets in the car with a guy and he goes, you know what, I can't wait to take you home. I got a surprise for you. And then she's like, I got to meet my husband. And all of a sudden the guy takes her home and he's got a wife and she takes a shower and they feed her and she hasn't eaten in days.

And the next day the guy gives her a ride. That shit wouldn't happen. You wouldn't just find that. You wouldn't know the world has that to offer unless you went for it. That's the beauty of you traveling. Tom Rhodes could tell all of us right now in the United States to suck our dick. He's got a complete different family over in Europe. He could be the real bolder.

You know the fucking guy that Johnny Depp played? They would never find him. This motherfucker, they would never find him. They would never find him. They'd be crazy to look for him because he knows. He's created that over the years. He's created that. It took seven, eight, nine years to create this complete different family in Singapore.

He could go to any town and walk in and go tumpa-ping tumpa-ing. And fucking Chinese people jumping, throwing darts, serving them a cat. You know how it is? That's the beauty of that, that you don't know that until you go out there and meet these people. You don't find the beauty of people. That's the shit they don't tell you in school. That's the shit that some authors give you in their writing.

Some authors give you hope. You know what? I'm going to go on the road. I'm going to meet interesting people. Well, yeah, I read Carowack. Yeah, yeah. There you go. There you go.

Jack Carowack on the road is why I moved to San Francisco in 1990. I was like 22 and that movie, that book changed my life and that's why I never was afraid of the road. Yeah, you're never afraid. I knew somewhere along the way that the pearl would be handed to me. Everything I needed to know, everything I wanted to experience. I was always very scared about traveling abroad, even when I had the passport. When I had the passport, I didn't take advantage of it.

I was always very scared. I wanted to travel the United States first. I pretty much done comedy everywhere, you know, all these fucking states, except maybe Puerto Rico. That's it. Alaska. I was up there in Chokul, Charlies. I've done that gig.

Yeah, everybody's done that gig. Love that place. Especially if you're drinking. It's great. Oh, and you're snorting and then you wake up the next morning, you got a piece of halibut. Are you fucking kidding me? You could snort 80 pounds of blow and eat a piece of halibut, you're back. It don't matter what you snort.

It takes the electromagnetism out of your body, you know what I'm saying? The road is very interesting and when people say at the road, it's this big, you know, in your mind, if you close your eyes, it's the road, you know, you just look at windshield and see this open road and you're fucking driving it. But it's got so many different things, so many lessons that I've learned, but mostly about people. And the lesson I learned the most of it gave me hope in mankind. It gave me hope in humanity because there's some fucking dynamite people out there, dynamite.

I wish I could name all the fucking cool people from day one when I went to Aspen, that time. I met a white dude who used to be like Tom Rhodes. He was a brick mason in the summers and in the winters, he would go to New Zealand and he had a complete different life down there and he would tell me about his life down there and it was like being a kid, being a kid and somebody telling you these stories about a faraway land. I was enamored with the guy, I couldn't believe it and I would say, you know, and he exchanged

his numbers. I used to, oh my God, I forgot the guy's name, I did masonry flove, Chip Chilson. He was a professional fucking skier and he hired me to be a hobby carrier and he hired me three fucking summers that dude, two summers he hired me. He was a good dude, but he worked your ass off in the summer and in the winter he skied all summer. He was a professional skier, but he was one of his brick masons and that always intrigued me that whole.

Even then, I was not even close to being comic in 1983, it wasn't even a dream, but just that thought always was like, wow, I'd like to get on a bus and just go to California and hitchhike back. Remember when there was a show, The Hitchhiker on HBO? Oh, I think we remember that. There was a show like The Hitchhiker? Yeah. That also intrigued me.

He would always get his dick sucked and have threesomes and shit, you know, that would never happen to me, but it's a fantasy that the Hitchhiker, like you had balls of steel. You fucking, when did you decide you were leaving? For LA, I don't remember making a decision. I went to college to be an editor and I knew Emerson, Emerson College in Boston. In Boston? Yeah.

I just knew from the beginning that I was coming out here. I kind of wanted to be in New York a little bit, but I had a job out here, so, but I did have a, I was told the story, but I had a panic attack in Connecticut because I realized that I had everything in my entire life in my car, so I had to pull over for a second. And when I came here, see, I've always turned people down. I feel bad when people are like, when I first came out here, my editor offered to let me stay on this couch while I found a place I was like, no, and I paid for a hotel. I just, I felt, I always, I don't, I don't want to intrude on anybody.

And like, I can't tell you from this podcast how many offers I've gotten for anywhere. And I always feel bad and I always feel like, I don't know, but it's, I should start accepting it more. I stayed on so many couches that I can't tell you more, like I refused it. Yeah. I did too. I stayed on so many fucking couches. I got so many free nights of rent.

So many, so fucking many, you know, people said stay here. I mean, it was just, I'm fucking believable. So now, even when I go home, people like take my apartment, whatever, I'm like, I'm fucking embarrassed. I don't want to live in your house on vacation. That's how I feel. I want to scratch my balls and I like to come home from the comedy gig and drink coffee and stay up for a while and listen to music and write notes and, you know, it's awkward.

It's fucking awkward. That's the, I couldn't imagine going to somebody's house and tiptoeing through the house two in the morning when I'm coming back from doing comedy. I'm a fucking grown man, you know. And I did it. So I was about 40. And then I had a, I just had to stop. I just stopped.

It started. I did it a lot in the last 10 years and my wife and I, like we, Rich all owns a ranch in Montana and we went and stayed there for a month. There's a guy, a comedian invited us to stay at his place in London and he was a neurotic strange dude. So it was like, we would throw away the, he had the garbage and recycling and you know, so anything plastic had to go in the recycling. So we're getting like, you know, food from the grocery store and put the plastic in the

thing, but he would put the plastic stuff in the dishwasher and wash it before he put it in the, he had all these strange habits. So like sometimes you stay with somebody and it's like they're weird and they're irritating. And then, and then, yeah, like you said, you got to, you know, tip toe around eggshells even if you got your own separate room and stuff. Yeah. I want my own respiratory fucking place. I want to sleep by myself.

I don't want nobody in the fucking room watching me, you know, I like to walk with my dick out. No, I like people with, you know, like I slept in people's houses and all of a sudden you wake up with coke around your nose to sleep at me a machine and they're four year olds poking you with a stick or fucking running a hot wheel through your fucking stomach because your stomach's hanging out of your shirt. You have no fucking idea. My friend's dog pissed on me when I was sleeping one time because my hand was hanging off the

edge and he would piss on the edge of the fucking couch and they got pissed on my face and on my arm by a fucking bug. That's why I don't like fucking bugs. I hate those fucking dogs. So that's why it was just, it just got old, man. You know, I've lived with people up to 1993. I lived with George in New York and I said, fuck this. I went back to Boulder and I got an apartment.

I stayed there by myself until 95, then after 95, you know, bam, I've been on my own pretty fucking much. I love living alone. It's great. Like I've thought about living with people and it's just, it's terrible. It's so much better living alone. They touch an intensive care. Having a place to live as a new concept for me, I mean, I just, we just got an apartment

here six months ago, you know, from not living anywhere. And every week going to a different city, you know, to different, you know, hotels mostly. And then when we had time off, we would take an epic vacation. My wife and I, we'd went to Rome the last four years and stuff. Two years ago, we went to Bali. When I was still drinking, we would go to New Orleans a lot. So depending where I was in the planet. So, you know, my wife and I, just the fact we have an apartment now, like, we're like,

you know, to have like a sock drawer and an underwear drawer and like this, the simplest things, you know, make us happy. Like we open the refrigerator, man, and I'm like, you know, these are our condiments. I own that mustard. It's like, it's, it's kind of, it's really new. And like I said, my, I have this massive book collection and my vinyl records. I'm just playing my vinyl records to start the day every day. It's awesome to have stuff.

You don't have the TV, which is interesting. I have a TV, but I just Netflix on it. I don't watch regular TV. No, watch regular TV. No, it was another issue. Yeah. Just, just Netflix. Fuck those motherfuckers.

Yeah. If I had no responsibilities, like I've been thinking about it, I think it would be really cool to just be an Uber driver and just drive across the country. I've had some incredible conversations with Uber drivers in Los Angeles. Some of them are cool. Some of them are kind of like, so I've had some weird ones, but I think it would just like, I would love to just go to every city. Like we used to go to New Orleans a lot.

I've never been to New Orleans once. I would love to check out all those places. And I think I just like that. New Orleans is great. Especially if you're partying, man. It never closes. And one of the cities that scared me. New Orleans.

And you and I met in Houston. Houston. And you know, like I said, I stopped doing hard drugs a couple of years ago and stopped drinking, but I do have to give a commercial to Houston and New Orleans as the purest cocaine of anywhere in America. I mean, the dealers really have an appreciation for the original product. And I mean, that should be advertised on their, you know, tourist propaganda that they don't step on their shit.

My town. Give me a pen over there. Give me a pen over there. Let me see. My towns for cocaine in this order, where El Paso, El Paso, El Paso, Houston and New Orleans. I think those are my top three. New Orleans and then Miami, El Paso, really good stuff.

It was one other place in there. What's the one that's 10 hours from Houston, my Midland, Midland, Texas, which is around the corner from El Paso a few hours. I did a gig there once. That's where I showed up and the fucking MC gave me an eight ball. He gave me an eight ball and the feature in eight ball and he had an eight ball. And at the end of the show, he had done his eight ball already. It was fucking crazy.

It was fucking crazy. But El Paso, that was, I'm lucky I didn't die in El Paso. Was it like the quality or the quality? The quality. So good. The quantity, how much of it? Oh yeah. Who did it?

Who had it? It was always available. It was always one night, listen to me, a guy and I, I did something and this guy just happened to see it. Like it could have been a commercial or like a co-star on a TV show. This had to be 2001, 2000, because it was the old comic strip, the old comic strip. Because they were here and then they moved across the street and he bought the building and that's where it ended.

Once he bought the building. He was here for 20 years and made a fucking small gold mine, then he moved the, he fired the gay manager. He did all these moves that were stupid. Here it was a gold mine. It was Tuesday through Saturday. My God. It was just fucking craziness.

And the cocaine was la pied de la resistance. The first time I went was 4th of July, 90 fucking seven. I came back to shoot that, first time I went to El Paso was July of 97 and I came back to shoot a fucking Taco Bell commercial with the dog. Remember those first commercials, the dog? I shot the first three, but I came back and I brought back a Coke rocket on the bus and I got on the bus. I sat down.

I did two fucking bumps and within an hour they pulled the bus over and the dogs are getting on. I crushed the rock up. I smote the whole thing. By the time they got to me, I had my t-shirt off. I was sweating profusely. I had a bead running down my armpit. Fucking classic shit.

So once I had that experience, I'm like, I'm going back there and it took me like two years to go back there, but when I got back there, it was lights out, light. That was another place that the original condo, all night long, people be knocking, you want to buy me Coke? You're like, yeah, come on in. I was just thinking about making a call, but I didn't really, you know, that was another place. I was like El Paso.

I had one of the greatest moments in my career in El Paso. At the comic strip. At the comic strip. It was about five years ago, this massive snowstorm, it never snows in El Paso. I was there in February. This massive snowstorm hits El Paso and I mean, it was fucking cah. And they were having rolling blackouts like the night before the show had been canceled because the electricity had blacked out in the whole city on and off.

So I loved El Paso because it's all, you know, 80% Mexican people, there's the audience and then there's an army base there, Fort Bliss, so you got about 20% of the audiences like army people and stuff. So the great audiences and I was on stage for about a half hour and I was killing because any comedian that tells a story about himself is killing in the story. I'm doing a great set. The lights go out, the city blacked out while I was on stage and the people in the audience held up their cell phones and I did another half hour in the glow of cell phone light

with no electricity. It was really cool. They were like, no, no, man, keep going, fuck it. You sure was their phone, not their noses glowing from the coke. Well, I guess they were coked. They were like, they're ready. They didn't want to end the good time, right? They weren't cold.

I can lie to you and tell you a bunch of stories and I can tell you that I cut my comedy teeth in Texas. If it wasn't for the state of Texas, I wouldn't even have become a comic. Texas has always been comfortable. Because they gave me the freedom to say what the fuck I want if they had tons of work. No matter what city in that fucking beautiful state, you've always got work. I love Texas too, throughout my career. I can't lie to anybody and you know what, I don't work the comic strip no more just

because I just don't, you know, it's just Bart's a great guy. He does what he does, but I can't lie to you either. I used to work that club as a feature four or five times a year. Yeah, I'd bust it down there. Bust it right now, Monday night, 11 o'clock bus, get you in that one in the afternoon. I'd stay up all night on the bus talking shit about myself with an iPod, writing stupid fucking jokes. I'd bring sandwiches and I'd fucking ride the bus.

Right there at one, go to the condo, take a nap, take a shower, do the show on fucking Tuesday night. And that's when it started. It was Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, two Friday and two Saturday. It was a long week, Jack's seven shows. And the six of those nights you snorted up a fucking blizzard. You saw daylight every night. Do you understand me?

You saw daylight every night. And I'll pass over you. That means you stayed up until morning? Daylight, 7 a.m. Fucking go to bed. I don't give a fuck who I worked that fucking room with. They knew this room, this fucking condo is going to be rocking until daylight. I swear to God, that was so crazy down there.

And you know, it's a shame I, and down the block they had a supermarket and on Friday mornings they used to make Yucatan fish soup with every piece of fucking fish available. And you see like eyeballs and heads and shark fins and shit. Let me tell you something, no matter how much coat you snorted the night before or how bad that pussy was the yate, the next morning all you had to have was that Yucatan fish soup and you were back in business. That brought you back for Friday. You went back to Canapto about 6.30, went down to the comic strip, had their cheeseburger

and went on stage and did two shows and got another package. It was great. And then they had a check that delivered blow to you and she had a boyfriend from time to time. You could talk into licking your nuts because she was so coked up by the head. This was craziness. Then you had Dallas. I got coked up a few times.

The other place was crazy Midland that was, that was run by a magician that was horrible and he was married. So he was Rob Jenkins. Yeah. I did that gig. He brought me in there for New Year's Eve once we're like, I was like, it was like four grand or something. It was crazy.

This place. It was a place next door that did Norteno dancing. It was a dance. Norteno is this dance and this music that's only in the north of Mexico. So you know, really cowboy Mexican people, there was a really grimy strip club in that town. Did you go there? No.

It was like total nudity. No, no, no. And like, you know, they worked for tips or something. You could hit the kids crying in the back and shit, the kids stabbing themselves and shit. The little fucking Afluenza white kids there jumping up and down, fuck you. Those strip clubs are hard. You get shot in those fucking strip clubs. They don't even have floors.

It's dirt. It's like the inside of a fucking barn, which this is crazy because they had one in, in fact, Babbit took me to the one that was a barn down where Salinas from down in Corpus Christi. You're not serious is in a barn of the animals. There was no animals. The animals have been killed. They had been transferred to a different farm and they had a strip club and a barn.

They had four chicks dancing. They had like a roulette table. This had to be me, Freddie Soto and somebody else. I loved Freddie Soto. So this had to be God bless his soul. This had to be 2019, 99 me, Freddie. And in those days, I used to pull a scam. I used to, because they wanted like a ton of money to fly into Houston direct.

If you flew into Houston via San Antonio or something, you'd get off the plane in San Antonio, fucking tremendous for like 99 bucks. I get off the plane in San Antonio and shit and take the bus down from San Antonio to Corpus Christi like a Puerto Rican. You know me, Doug. How much money would he save doing that? I can't imagine you doing that now. And then I go back to Corpus and they fight with me.

They'd say, no, this isn't your destination. I make up a story. Now you can't do that. What do you mean you make up a destination? Because you have to fly out of, you can't fly out of the connecting city. So let's say I have a ticket from Dallas to Phoenix to LA and I show up in Phoenix an hour before the flight. They're not going to let me out.

Not today. There's not. Actually, this dude got in trouble. This dude. Yeah. They don't fuck around no more. But they lost. He, the guys, the airlines, I'm pretty sure lost the suit because he made, I can check,

but he made a website where you do that. You save money by just getting off or getting on at like a weird connecting flight. But I'm pretty sure he beat the airlines, at least United. You don't say flying that it was Tony Bennett. It's Monday night, Tony's February 1st. Get your ducks in order. It's a new fucking month. Every time I come in here, my fucking days change.

No kettlebell glass. No. No movies with my wife. Amazing. Are you recording or is this a break? I'm recording. Because I told you my vinyl records. I'm playing tons of Ella Fitzgill records.

Sinatra, Tony Bennett. It's fucking great. It's all I'm listening to. I love Tony Bennett. I, Lee, I want you to know something. I've always been a hardheaded guy. So I was, you know, I came from Cuba. You had the fucking 45s.

Okay. And they had a thing in the middle and you played 45s. Okay. Everybody was fucking happy. Everybody was fucking happy, Lee. Everybody was fucking happy. Albums were great. People were smoking dope.

People were having a good time. You had two other things. Excuse me. You had eight tracks and you had cassettes. But vinyl was the way to fucking go. And all of a sudden some genius said, no, let's go real to real. So all of a sudden all these fucking Joe Jerkov started going real to real. Did you get your real to real yet?

No. No. No. No. I knew it fucking 18 in 1982. I kept saying to myself, this is a scam. Did people really have real to reals in their house? Real to real in their house.

My friend still has it in his basement. No, he doesn't. Yes, he does. He's the only one that fell for it. He fell. Him and three other idiots all got real to real. You know, when we hear Julius Priest, we can hear Rob Halford's voice pull away. They all had a thousand fucking stories.

Remember when CDs came out, it was like being in the room with them. It's like being in the room with them. That's the way the market is. You know, it's always some bullshit story and people fell for it. And I kept saying to myself, this is great. This is just great. Why they got to fuck with something? I always felt that.

And then there was something else that happened. Music. Music in general. And every year, you know, you had the fucking... I remember still having the Walkman with the power booster. I went to a store in New York. Fuck. It was like all they did was sell appliances.

And I went there and they actually had the fucking power booster. So I had a power booster connected to a fucking equalizer. It would be loud as fuck connected to like state-of-the-art fucking speakers, you know. Then everything changed. Nah, we got to put the thing in it. And then they came out with the fucking iPod. So me and my Walkman have to go fuck themselves, right? Yeah.

All over again. You know what I have in my storage? I bet you do. Because I saved them. I got a cassette Walkman and I got two CD Discmen. Jesus. And, you know, when the iPod came out, everyone got rid of their music collection. Remember everybody had thousands of CDs?

I still got mine because I had it in storage, you know. But, you know, this is the new thing. So like everybody got the iPods, got rid of their music collections. They don't even fucking sell it. I got two iPods. They don't sell those anymore. And one of my iPods is broke that you can't take it to an Apple store and get it fixed. So, like, I mean, now everybody downloads music and shit, but like, you know, what happened?

Even the iPod is outdated. Like that thing right there? That speaker? That's a fucking iPod charger. Yeah, that's an iPod charger. Ralphie May gave me that for Christmas 10 fucking years ago to charge an iPod. The only reason why it's down here is because on my last trip to Vegas, I lost my fucking iPod. All right, I just lost it.

I just filled it up with songs and put the Sabbath collection. UFO. I had some Tony Bennett. Yeah. I put two Sinatra albums. Does mine with music? The screen is broke. Where can you get a screen fixed on an iPod?

On Lancashire Boulevard. Really? Yeah, they have iPods. Because this guy, like, my entire music collection is on this one fat iPod. It's about 100 bucks. Oh, man. But they'll put the screen on a few hours right here. Listen, those Armenians, they'll do anything.

Really? On fucking North Hollywood, right next to the old ha ha, they fix iPod and screens. And if not next to what's the Puerto Rican place on Lancashire. Up there, they got a fucking place right next door to it. They'll fix it while you wait. Cool. That's how much they got it through a science, that whole fucking screen on the thing. But so fucking Thursday, I'm leaving for Charlotte.

I got to wake up at three in the goddamn morning. I got to leave the house at four. Get at the airport at five. I get in the car at four. I make a protein shake with a fucking banana. I take my whatever fucking pill. Then I take my blood pressure medication and I smoke some dope. This is my first road gig in months.

The month and a half. It's December 14th. I haven't driven to LAX this the first week of December. Why don't you take a break? Yeah, I always take a break. Fuck that. There's no reason for me to travel, because I'm dirty. So in December, it's kind of weird for me.

So I try to just do local gigs. I don't want to get caught in the fucking snow. I don't want to be one of those assholes that people watch on TV and say, look at those assholes stuck at an airport. You don't fly. I never want to be one of those guys. I fucking hate it. I hate it.

I fucking hate it. I hate people who do it. I'm going home for the holidays. Good luck. Yeah. Somewhere you're going to get fucked in the ass, you know? What were you talking about? You know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I am so high right now. What were you talking about? iPods, music. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got in the car. I get in the fucking car. I puke. I get car sick.

I miss the exit. I'm basically driving on the 405. No, this is when you went to Charlotte. Just last Thursday. Right. So I'm driving on the 405, and I have all the windows open. I have the air conditioner blast. I have the music off, and I've got the seat like this.

I'm driving like this with my eyes closed, guys. And also, I open up, and I see Century Boulevard. Like, I had slept through the fucking exit. I was so fucking dizzy. I got off on the 105 somewhere, and I made a right on the Sienic. And by the grace of God, I got back onto Century within 10 minutes. At that left onto Century, I could feel the rumblings. I started farting those really bad anxiety farts.

I said, come out of your ass. I'm driving down Century. I'm doing 90, and I'm crisscrossing. Like, I got a DUI. I'm surprised we're still having this fucking conversation. I just didn't get out of jail. I get into the airport. There's no traffic.

I get the Terminal 4. It's American Airlines. And as I get the ticket, it just exorcises out of my mouth onto that thing. I got to pull over, finish up the puke. It's on my fucking shirt. There's a banana in the car from the fucking blender. It didn't blend all the way. I got to take my shirt off, throw it in the fucking garbage,

and take a shirt out of the luggage and put that on. That's how I flew. I walked to the fucking airport. I'm barely walking in there. I'm purple. I'm purple. I swear to God, guys, I should have canceled. No, I didn't.

I went through security. It was quick. For the first time ever, it wasn't gate 44D, which is always, always at the end. It was gate 60. The first one over, and I sat there, and I look up, and I'm breathing. I'm taking my hood and sweatshirt off. I'm just breathing.

I'm getting dizzy. I look over, and I see fucking sandwiches and water. And I walk over there. I don't even know how I did. And I bought the water and drank and sat down. That brought me back a little bit. And then I got a turkey sandwich with avocado and arugula. And that took me down a level.

And I bought it the fucking plan, and I was fine. Was it the protein shake? I don't know what it was. I think it was the reefer and the fucking nicotine gum. I think it took me to a different level. You know what I'm saying? I've been having problems with medication lately. This guy was reefering the nightclub.

That's frightening, man. You're like, Jesus Christ, I did nightclub edible. Don't ever eat an edible and do nightclub, Jack. I thought I was gonna die in the middle of it. I'm afraid of the edibles. I had some cookies last year. It was like waiting for an illness to pass. Some of this shit.

You know, I just moved to Los Angeles. Some of this edible shit frightened me. Half a gummy bear, and you're like, you know. No, no, no, no, no. We're not gonna eat it up tonight. I'm gonna meet him tomorrow or two. I gotta meet him sometime. We might not even go meet him.

I'm not busy. You might not even have to go there because you can only come at 11 o'clock tomorrow. My man from Force One stars bringing it in so he can go deep this week with Dick Syed. His dad's coming from Florida. Where's your dad? I'm from Florida.

He loves the stars of death. My cousin is a cop in Boynton Beach. There you go. Next time you get pulled over, he's got a friend in Boynton Beach. See how it works out? I had a thing happen to me. I was driving to the airport.

I was in Orlando for the holidays, and when I was leaving, I went to get to the Orlando airport. I've been there a million times, but I came at it from a different direction. I was on this like turnpike thing or this expressway. I missed my exit,

and somehow I got thrown on to the Florida turnpike. And this has never happened. I'm from Orlando. I've been to the airport a million times, and I was running a little late. I mean, I had to, you know, I drop off this rent-a-car and then make it to the airport.

My flight's like at 7 a.m. So this is like already like whatever it is, 5.30, 5.45. I'm cutting it way too close, and I'm about to be thrown on to the Florida turnpike heading towards Miami. So it looked like the only thing to do, there was this...

It looked like about the size of a curb and then about the width of a sidewalk. This kind of median between where this on-ramp to the off-ramp that was going the opposite way. And I drove over this, and I had this little tiny Prius, and it kind of got stuck on the... The sidewalk length was about how much it is

between the tires or whatever. So I really had like rocked this car and like I'm flooring the gas, and then finally like it gets over and it's like smoking, and you could just... You could hear just that crunch bottom out. I made it over the thing,

get into this other lane, and the guy sitting there at the money-collected booth, I go, what do you want me to pay you? And he goes, well, you have to pay... It's five from the last XI. Five bucks? Sure. Give him the five bucks, made it, dropped off the car,

and made it to my flight in time. So that's always why you should get full coverage on the rent-a-car. Jesus Christ. So you can do shit like that. Had I not gotten full coverage... Those fucking 10 cans you get hit, the car blows up and shit. You die from electric shock and shit.

Oh my God, I hate those fucking cars. But we've had to go through to make it to flights to get to gigs. Sometimes it's a fucking nightmare. That's why I leave her the first flight out always. Really? You like those early flights? Yeah, it gets it out of the way, and that's it. I don't have to go in the night before

and waste time. I get out of LAX at five in the morning, if I have to. That's the first flight out to most of these cities. So it gives me a jump. I get in even on the East Coast. I get out at lunchtime at one. Five o'clock gets you there. And when I get out of LA, when I get out of New York,

I get that quarter to sixth flight. On a Sunday, it gets you back at 8.30 a.m. like a doctor. You drive up that four or five like you own it. You're the only one on there, you know what I'm saying? There's nobody on there. I land at two. I got to drive another hour after I get home. You know, I'm 53.

I got one for the grade one up in an appeal. I think I got two hours to drive in the fucking four or five. People don't get that, and they get mad when I tell them, listen, I'm not going down. They want me to go down Wednesday and meet these people, and I'm like, listen, let me tell you about my life. I leave Thursday. When I leave on Thursday, I don't go over to help

because I only got fucking three days. The baby goes to school tomorrow, so that gives me a little grace. Tomorrow and Wednesday, it's good because Monday is, I got the kid. The kid, you don't know when she's going to fall asleep. I don't know what detail my wife has to do, so I don't really have a schedule.

If it's an envelope, yeah, then we have to go pick up an envelope. But there ain't no envelope. If you want to talk to me about a movie, it could wait. It could wait because I have the baby. I don't know when I'm going to see the fight. You know what I'm saying? Mondays, I chill. It's an audition.

I got to go. It's something positively, absolutely, like Fetal Express. If not, I try to keep it light. So I had a few dumb things. All three of them were a waste of my fucking time. Thank God I got to work out there. You know what I'm saying?

Look at you, Lisa. Yeah, looking good. Bold. Your eyeballs are fucking... I'm the highest fuck. Fuck yeah. I was like, when you guys were talking about those gigs, I used to go to some of those hotel gigs,

and it's like, I used to love finding a new comedian. I was emailing back and forth with this guy. He said he went to a midnight show, and some of the comics weren't that good. I said, yeah, but isn't it really fun when you find a new comedian to... Is it fun for you to go around to all these places and find new good comics?

Yeah, definitely, but I like that you say that. Just being the fan of it and then cheering for a guy. Yeah, I'm sure you as well meet young guys, and you know they're going to be great comedians, even if they have no self-esteem, and they live in the middle of nowhere. Certain people, I mean, and then other people develop, and then it clicks for people later in life,

and you definitely make friends with comedians, and you're cheering for them, and then other people have addiction hangups that they have to navigate. No, yeah, it's... I know comedians all over the world, man. I wanted to do this show where... I'm the Anthony Bourdain of comedy

because I do these shows, comedy, all around the world, so I wanted to go around the world, check out, highlight comedy scenes, or check out comedy scenes, highlight comedians from those places, and then also see what people are making jokes about in other countries. There's all these gigs in Asia now,

and I was in Hanoi last year. I went to Vietnam 20 years ago when I did Viva Vietnam for Comedy Central. I went there and did this hour special where I, you know, went all over Vietnam, and had fun for the guys. We didn't get to have fun, whatever. So it was the first time I had been back in 20 years,

and they have stand-up now, and this young comedian in Hanoi opened up for me. He's 19 years old. His all-time comedy hero is Eddie Murphy Delirious. So this guy, he's 19, he's just been on comedy for a couple months, but everything he delivers is like Eddie Murphy in Delirious, because that's his hero.

You know, when you're on your scooter, and your girl is on the back, and you're driving through town, like, you know, he's got no material. He's a young comedian, but, you know, the guy's in Hanoi, and he's, you know, he loves comedy, he loves Eddie Murphy, you know?

I mean, how are you not going to fall in love with a guy like that, and cheer for him? Comedy's everywhere now. Gabriel was telling me a story about going to, you know, somewhere where we're supposed to be at war with them. Gabriel went somewhere, and he said, the people were fucking tremendous, that they were saying, when you go back to America,

tell them what we're really like. We're not these people that they portray in the media. And the one guy said, I want to be a stand-up comic, so Gabriel went and watched him do comedy, and he goes, it was fucking hysterical. You know, just to see other cultures, what the hell they're talking about. I just worked with a kid this week,

and his last name was Patel. I worked with two really good comics. And the Patel kid was killing me. Was killing me Friday night, talking about Mohammed and all this shit, you know? It's just great to see comics starting out. It does something to you. And now that you're not drinking,

you really connect. Now that you see, I did a Tony Hinchman show, and I was telling Lee that that night, I saw something in their faces that guys like you and I used to have at that five-year mark, that acceptance. There's a part when you get accepted as a comic, like somebody above you accepts you,

that just brings a different type of thrill to your soul. When somebody says, hey, come on, let's go have a drink. That's it. You're fucking, you've arrived, you know? And you're having a drink with this guy, and you're asking about talking jokes, and he offers you to take him in the app, whatever. That's what this whole thing is really about sometimes. And some, yeah, you're right.

Some of us have drug issues. I mean, I'm very lucky. I did not die in the rug. Very lucky. I'm very lucky. I didn't die in fucking Beaumont. I'm lucky. I didn't die. I can relate to that sentiment. I'm lucky I didn't die in Houston.

There was a lot of nights, boy, that were fucking ugly across this country. That would have been horrible and I'm really happy. I didn't go out that way. We're all going to fucking die, but we all could choose. Yeah. I did not want to die like Jim Morrison.

I did not want to die like that. There had to be something better for us, and I'm happy it's behind us now. I'm happy it's really... I will tell you one thing. I only slept three hours on fucking Saturday night, so I get on the plane. The 23 motherfuckers on the plane.

I got on the plane two times the first class. They did not give me one seat. They gave me two. I'm sitting there by myself. I get on the plane. The breakfast was phenomenal. It was a French toast souffle that I had on the way there.

I usually don't eat French toast or take the chance, but I was already sick. French toast souffle. A little fucking nut. They were a little syrup. Tremendous. They gave me a little fruit cup to toot on Papillon Island. Unfucking believable.

American Airlines. Upgrade you. First class biscuit was dried and dicked. Okay. Papillon cracker. Oh, yeah. The fucking Papillon cracker. Those I talked about. American Airlines. No fucking movie. But, uh...

Let me tell you what I had, gentlemen. I went deep. I had no reefer. I usually have like a pillow too of my luggage. You know what I'm saying? There's always something in my luggage. I'm one of those dudes. When you look deep, there's always something. It looks like a blood pressure medication.

There could be a half a Xanax or something. I looked through that luggage at the hotel. There was nothing. I was so like on the plane. I took a little nappy noodle for about an hour. I heard the pilot get back on. Okay, we're back on track. We got about four hours of four hours.

No movie. I said, fuck it. I called the lady over and said, do me a favor. I go, let me get a Dewis and ginger ale. What was the last time you had Dewis and ginger ale? I could never drink Scotch. Scotch is how I could never handle it. Jesus Christ. This fucking wench comes back and she goes, I don't know if I told you.

You got upgraded twice so I'm bringing you two bottles. Oh, shit. When somebody brings you two bottles outright, you got to go, Lisa. And I sat there like a doctor. And I poured the fucking Scotch in first. I let the Scotch collaborate with the fucking ice cubes. You know what I'm saying?

To get that boldness, bitterness away. Then I dropped the ginger ale and little increments. Like a Jew, you know what I'm saying? Like a Jew in the desert, just fucking. I just, and it bubbled up. And then I gave it another minute and I put the stare in and I took the stare. I stuck the stare in an ice cube

and I ate the ice cube with just the fucking with the dudes on it. You know what I'm saying? Not a lot of motherfuckers live like that. I love the image of you doing this by yourself. Like a doctor. When I looked to my left, there was nobody in those seats. So I was scratching my nuts through my jeans.

I was picking my nose. I was having a party over there. Using only a bathroom to scratch your nuts. Fuck no. I just popped that zipper down and stuck that arm in there. If you caught me, I thought I was fingering myself. I was scratching those nuts like a doctor.

Did you undo the button on your jeans? No, no, no, no. You didn't do that? I just opened up my zip and stuck my hand and scratched my balls. I fucking picked the nuts out of my nose. I was over there by myself. There was one lady behind me. She was passed out.

I had those two fucking Scotches and I fucking passed out, guys. 20 minutes before the plane land. I got up like I was feeling fucking tremendous. Scotch ain't bad. Listen. Scotch is not bad if you drink it. Two of those motherfuckers. My dad used to drink rusty nails.

Scotch and drink. I had to take a little sip off the top. Just that top part was nice. You know what, Bryce? But Scotch, I... I used to snorkele with fucking rusty nails. That's when you know. What's a rusty nail?

Scotch and Drambuli. My dad taught me how to... gasoline with gasoline. From the time I was like 10 or 12, my dad taught me how to make it for him perfectly. And so I spent my whole life making him rusty nails. Back in the day, that was my shit. Rusty nails.

I liked for a long time I drank Crown and Ginger. That was always delicious. What was your favorite drink of choice? Before you went to the beer. Because after a while alcohol burns right through you. So once you go before you went to the beer. Well, back in the... Coke was probably Crown and Ginger.

Crown and Ginger, that's a good one. I always liked vodka in anything. Vodka was like what the supermodels drink because it has less sugar and you know... I've always loved vodka. Vodka is straight on the ice probably. I drank too much vodka as a kid

to like it as an adult. Vodka goes with anything also. With Gatorade. You can mix vodka with your first baby food. And it's fucking gonna work. Fucking a quarter vodka with iced tea. Then going home, passing out, getting up on the moon. Oh my gosh.

And there'd be iced tea in the picture. And you drink the iced tea and you want to vomit. Because that's what you were just drinking with the vodka. I got a story for you man. I was in San Francisco years ago and partying all night in my hotel room. I had all these people over from the club. Waitresses and comedians

and we were up drinking tons of vodka and partying. Anyway, I woke up the next day and I was totally hungover and I made coffee and there was a cup

next to the bed. I was just hungover and probably still half fucked up. I threw the cup of water in there and then I made the coffee in the little tiny hotel coffee machine. And then I took a sip and it was vodka and coffee.

What I made. I took the sip and I was like, oh fuck that's vodka that I made the coffee with. So I thought to myself, wait a minute this could be like the next peanut butter and jelly or about Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Remember the old commercial? The bar in the park. He trips

goes into the girls jar of peanut butter. How sexual was that commercial? So that's how Reese's Peanut Butter Cups were invented. So I thought, oh maybe I'll give this a try. So I took another sip and it is definitely not the new Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

But if you put cream in that mother fucker you could have saved it. I should have doubted it. You have a smoke crack and you put it in the microwave oven and it don't come back. I don't think that happens. Listen Doug, let's say somebody comes over

with a gram and they want to cook it up, right? They throw some coke and they throw some microwave in there. I'm trying to teach Lee, just in case. I'll say you take a coffee cup Lee and somebody comes over to G Bolaroo. That's how you tell if the coke is good. You throw it in the water.

You put three fingers of water in the cup. You throw the coke in the water and then you throw like a tenth or maybe two tenths of baking soda. You put the microwave at 30 seconds. You put that in there. When that mother fucker goes bing, you take that thing out and there'll be some particles flowing.

And you take those chunks out and you let it dry. And you look at it and that should be a gram of coke. Because if the coke was good it should be maybe nine tenths if the coke was really good. If it's Fugazi Coke you get back like five tenths and you piss fucking off. But there's people who could throw that back

in there. They were like Udini. A couple Puerto Ricans do it. A couple of weird people like Colombians they throw some baking soda and more baking soda and you take more back. So these guys know how to throw more baking soda and they put it in there for like 10 seconds. Bing! They take it out and they take like

an extra two tenths back. A lot of people don't know that. Might as well drop it on you right now on a Monday night. Where else are you going to get this kind of knowledge? How to bring back coke, you know what I'm saying? You never smoked a piece of coke Tom Rods anywhere you went. Oh, I tried it years ago.

Fuck yeah, Houston, Texas and shit. Houston was my favorite. Houston was one of those places I should have died at. And that's even without exaggerating. I would eat like a fucking animal. I would drink like a fucking animal. I would sleep like an animal.

I worked with you in Houston. A couple times. I worked with you. I did that fucking room. I did it with Hedberg a lot too. Hedberg a lot. That was great. That was when you guys brought comedy to Houston. That was when Houston people knew there was something fucking big happening

when you had come back to do that co-headlining spot with Hedberg. I still remember that. That was like, what? What are you saying? What the fuck are they saying? Hedberg? And this fucking guy together? Yeah, we both took less money to do so we could work together. Joey, did you open for Tom?

Yeah. How many people do you have relationships with? 20 years later, 10 years later, you guys are friends. This is what comedy is. That's crazy. He could disappear for three years. He comes back, I bump into him, I give him a hug,

we talk shit, we smoke a number, we don't smoke a number. I got a lot of photos and I got those out of storage also. I got to look back through them more deeply but I got tons of photos of you and us that week.

It's remarkable because I don't feel old but look at those photos. Man, you and I we look young. I got headshots done about a month ago. I haven't even developed them. Every time I open and I go, Jesus Christ what happens?

What really happened? And lately I've been doing the math and I know some of these guys. I talk to a girl, I tell you that legitimately I know her 40 years. When you know somebody 40 years you're fucking old, Jack. You're fucking old.

That's it. This is it. This is it. Like I said a thousand times I loved growing up in Jersey. I loved my neighborhood. I loved those people. I loved where I grew up in conjunction with New York City. I was able to just take a bus and be in the city

and that doesn't exist no more. The traffic has fucking quadrupled since then. But I always start, like I said I always start that one day I would close my eyes and go back to North Bergen and everything would be the way it was. All my friends would still be at the bar

snort and blow, listen to Bruce Springsteen whatever. And that doesn't even exist. These guys are Christians or whatever the fuck they do now and my one buddy works at UPS and you know it's dead.

Like that's it. This is it. We're in the final fucking countdown Tom Rhodes and we love it. I love it. How do I feel? I feel like I'm fucking dirty. Because I'm living how a 30 year old should live. I'm trying to live, drink a lot of water get sleep, no drugs, a little bit of reefer

you know. That's the fucking recipe. What else? reefer, some fish shoot that fucking sperm out of your helmet three times a week, you're a fucking man. Sounds like we're on the same diet. All you need to do is give blood once a month like an ounce, like 16 ounces

you give blood once a month you're a fucking new man once every two months your heart makes that new fucking blood your stomach it gets hard you get that old brown blood out of your helmet. You give blood once a month? I try. I go down to the doctor's office and I make up some bogus excuse I'm getting dizzy.

So they take blood out of my fucking arm same four ounces whatever the fuck they take somebody make new blood you know something, some water, some garlic BAM you got a whole new dose of fucking blood you know what I'm saying? You're a vampire is fucking fine. I feel like you just made all that up

I think I did too but it works for me in my head something once told me that's why women don't die of heart attacks cause they bleed once a month and it makes a lot of sense Is that true? That's why women don't

how many women you know who fucking punch the ticket while they fucking roll the skate and they're shoveling snow not too many guys always die shoveling snow and fucking waking up and putting their shoes on and shit. Why do I think I don't put my shoes on in the morning no more? I have mercy do it I give like a dollar and a little bank account

I don't put my shoes on that's bad luck you gotta find somebody to put your shoes on that's success anybody anybody that's great that's fantastic Charlie Chaplin never wore the same pair of socks twice after he got famous cause he was so poor when he was a kid

he never wanted to wear the same pair of socks twice that was his that's what it seems to me he just dropped on me though that's cool I think so real success would be having somebody put your shoes on for you

that's emperor shit bringing a balance like put your shoes on cut your toenails first put cream on your feet then put your socks on make sure the top is all tight you always fuck up and leave the top rolled over they make sure they rub your calf for you and shit loosen up the blood

then they put this shoe in for you that's success you understand me that's what I need somebody to do that roll joints you know what I'm saying don't talk much you don't know the language something that's all you can't find somebody white to rub your calves and put your shoes on

who do you think would be the best at it it had to be somebody from another country somebody would be cool somebody who would be knowledgeable maybe he was on the run for murder or something he wants to come here and rub people's feet I don't fucking know

why you put me on the spot like I'm Trump or something like that that would be the least worst thing you said you think someone would be a good joint ruler that sounds bad for you somebody somewhere has a joint role a snoop dog I heard years ago

who was it a friend of mine told me this was Jesus I don't 30 years ago it's got to be total horseshit as they said it was a Kevin Costner one of those actors had maybe it was shit don't throw nobody in the bus

unless you know for sure okay Kevin Costner's got to turn this no what's his name the guy Han Solo what's it Lee hook me up Harrison Ford Kevin Costner one of those guys like that his friend of mine and the friend who told me was non-show business person so I don't even know how

he would know but it just seems cool he said that he had a joint roller and that was the guy's job to make sure that he always had a joint ready and the dude's name was Sloan so whenever he wanted a joint he would say Sloan

so like fucking 30 years ago it might not even be true I know for a fact that the pharmacy in Hollywood 10-15 years ago when this whole wheat thing they would close at

730 and somebody why ask why don't you close at 730 and say he goes because at 730 is when Harrison Ford were coming with Clista Flockhart and they would cobweat down there I don't even know if the pharmacy was stored around one of them closed there was one in Venice

that was the hotspot for wheat you know how much I was dropping there a month guys how much five breath wow I put 4800 on the credit card and there one month my wife almost drew me out of the house how do you explain it

when you forgot diapers on the way you know I was shooting something and I was bringing shit on the set for people you know I was fucking going on the road and taking it with me you know this is when lollipops were $15 a fucking piece

I'd buy 10 fucking lollipops to go to Houston you know I'd walk out of there with two bags two fucking bags this is before the podcast this is the truth I'm not kidding you I remember my wife sitting me down and going yo you put 40 fucking $4000 on a fucking card

and a weed charges are you fucking crazy I think that's like 120 a day right around there I was going in there some days and dropping 220 300 200 they had everything Lee

ice cream cakes they had fucking everything have you tried the pizza at sunset whatever I brought it home one night I don't know what happened to me I fell asleep but I must have had 2,000 other edibles in my bloodstream so

because it's apparently like I think it's like 250 and she said it was like you didn't even taste the weed so I was thinking about it but I didn't know if you had it or not who is she gonna sprinkle some more weed on that motherfucker double check it put some what's around that motherfucker you know what I'm saying

let me do some shout outs and we'll get the fucking underlay out of here DeMauro Bob Lalingas Bobby Sharon Anthony Kelly Rob Bradley Brian Austin or Austin I don't know Paul Island

Lauren Rosenker and awesome warrior I love you cocksuckers Tom Rhodes in the house talking about our Houston cocaine crazy in his days you were like when I started you were like fucking booming already like when I started traveling

you were already booming and then in 95 you came to Seattle and I was doing like saw a gig and I was you did a gig with like Jeanine Garofalo with two other people it was like a four comic show or something like that you still had the long hair and then when I first moved to LA

in 97 98 I saw you at the improv one night you were holding onto the wall the show had just been canceled maybe two or three weeks prior you were a gentleman you know and then you took off and you said fucking I'm getting the fuck out of here you did all your travels

and I bumped into you in Houston when you had the show and you had the footage of you and the singer from fucking whatever the fuck oh yeah yeah yeah when I had the late night talk show in Amsterdam all this shit I still remember

you know you're the real fucking deal yeah it's great because I left LA you're the real deal bro no we've always you know been tight it's amazing how you know you do this long enough and you see these guys

and you look at them and you go you know I was watching at the store the other night and you're a fucking monster you're a fucking monster this is I look at you and I go yeah 20 years plus you just navigate and you take them into weird places you set yourself up you know

if you were a jiu-jitsu guy you'd like guys get on top you can grab my neck grab my neck harder what'd you just do mister I told you to grab my neck you know there's some comedians who we you're the king of that it's like you said the lights got off so what

who gives a fuck we got no lights you got ears come on let's go let's do this show that's what a true comic does like you said listen let me tell you something if I was just me and Terry right now that little girl wasn't there

I'd be out constantly I'd do this podcast Sunday and Monday and I'd be on a plane Wednesday morning that's it I'd be out there banging it out going to places Lee that most people wouldn't go to there's a club now whether it's to Lee though you go to Maine

you go someplace in Michigan you know in Milwaukee you go to these places and you always know one person a week before you get there somebody hits you up on Facebook hey man you remember me from the store I came back my sister got hit by a car

and had to come back and take care of the shoe store you know whatever you have no idea Lee you have no idea the people who will come out and see you that you look at and you go wow I used to fucking drink what you had at the store you were a kid

what happened because most of these people disappear one day overnight and your mind is so focused on comedy that your mind doesn't even register until they hit you up on Myspace or Facebook and Twitter and go hey

you're coming to Chicago I'm going to come into the second show what happened to you somebody called me in Charlotte who I've known since 1983 I robbed the sandwich store in 1983 in an outhouse in Aspen Colorado

it was across the street from the hotel I went and I'm sitting there broke in this hotel living there and I'm like fuck I never robbed the sandwich store that's the only chicken curry I ever ate Lee Sian he had a chicken curry

on rye bread like multi-grain bread sort of like empty the register make me a curry no no no they were gone I just kicked the door down in those days in Aspen nobody had an alarm nobody did nothing wrong in Aspen there was no burglar alarms

if you wanted something you just kicked the door down I mean once a year there'd be these burglaries and you'd go there was no alarm but there was nothing like this nobody was dirty like me and one day I'm just sitting in this hotel and I'm like fucking I'm robbing the sandwich

and I kicked the door down I probably got him for 600 and I got him like a few sandwiches you know me you got to take something to go and the next day the owner knew I'll wait around and make a sandwich he knew it was you and he followed the sesame seeds

they suspected it I just come into the area and all of a sudden they got burglarized but Steve stayed my friend and uh his what listen to the story he was the at one time when I met him in 83 he was the house

for a Collin Jean loan jet she shot a husband or something that she married Paul Williams or something like that some fucking crazy story his girlfriend was the house sitter and Aspen everybody has a house sitter you know how people he have nannies in the 80s

and Aspen you had a house sitter I don't know what those do what do you do the house sitter nothing like when I house sat I had to do 24 hours of work a month that's six hours of work a week so that means either I mowed the lawn or I shoveled snow any other maintenance he had to pay me

but he left his truck there his house was to me and the house sitter had the house in the back or next to over the garage you have like one bedroom apartment and you can have a day job and a night job and not pay rent and just do six hours

a week of work there so on Saturday you have to mow the lawn trim the hedges you know clean up the rocks you know and on fucking when it snows you have to shovel that's it that's all I did but I wasn't

allowed to drive the car I drove the car he said you were allowed to go in the house and fuck with shit I moved into the house you know me though I moved into the house I was in the jacuzzi I was I had a way in cocaine room I had a coke room I had a room where

I put victims while they sat there and waited for the blow you should have seen me I was sitting people down and calling them into the other room it was crazy this one other than Aspen in 83 my friend Jimmy Burkle was the original God bless his soul he's fucking dead his disco

I love him I miss him sorry about this this belt and he fucking called me I was living in San Francisco about to get arrested about to get arrested we had to go on the run and go to Reno

I'm one of those buses 15 dollars a day and they give you 15 and quarters so I'm in Reno and in Reno I checked I had like an answering service and they're like you have three messages and I called the answering service and they're like yeah Jimmy Burkle said to call them

and I called him and he was like listen man I knocked up my wife and I got this house sitting job I need for you to take it you said you were coming up here I'm like are you fucking serious that was like music to my ears that's no rent Lee that's no rent

fucking snowmass village I get there there's a car there's a house he's like you can't go in the house as I'm talking to him I'm like I can't go in the house that house is mine that's mine the guy only comes one week a year

he had ten of these all around the world this was one of his houses in the year and a half I lived there his daughters came out to ski one time for three days I left a thousand dollars worth of booze there were spoiled kids her father was one of the originators of

the one food chain this was one of his many I used to talk to him on the phone from all over the world because I had to call him before I spent money on the house so I would call an answering service and he would call me back like two days later how are you doing

I'm in Finland you know what I'm saying that's only a great gig but the gig sometimes you have to live on property with them that sucks it's good but it sucks but sometimes they're not there

and they just it's a right off of them to have this house there Jennifer Aniston has houses everywhere it just doesn't go to them no she fucking furnishes them and puts somebody in there to watch them so nobody burglarizes those fucking houses and somebody lives in there you don't even know

they don't even know they live in Jennifer Aniston's houses they don't even know they probably get hired through a service that does a background check and this is what they do for a fucking living how do you like them there apples cock licker what do you think about that though

I think that you know I have a one house dream TGIF restaurants oh that's what the guy owned his name was Dick Self Dick Dick and my buddy Jimmy Perkins would call me Dick Dick

because it was Dick Kelly you ever do Brad Garrett's comedy club in Vegas never in the dressing room he's got it framed it's this spiral notebook that he was a waiter at TGI Fridays and when you're away my brother was a waiter

at TGI Fridays you know they really make you learn the menu inside and out they make you gotta like take a test before you're like a bartender or a waiter there so Brad Garrett has it framed to remind him you know how good he has it as being a comedian that you know at least

he's not a fucking waiter at a TGI Friday it's like it's right before you go out to go backstage to go on stage it's like the the last thing you see I love that that he's got his framed TGI Fridays waiter

notebook framed you always have to have a reminder to let you know how lucky it is I really believe that I really do I have one every fucking day like I have a reminder Jesus fucking Christ you know I was having that whole puke episode that I had the other day it was the main

cause of it was anxiety don't believe that it was anxiety I had to leave my family I haven't done it in six weeks you know it's not that I got lazy I still bang it out every night like a fucking soldier of death you just it's a new adventure I didn't know what to expect and it turned out to be

beautiful I had a great time the city of Charlotte was fucking great the club was phenomenal the people were great the crowds were great the staff the food was great the comedy zone let me tell you something they got a Mexican restaurant upstairs dog and I'm not talking about no hip-hop

magoo restaurant yeah I'm talking about these motherfuckers are related to El Chapo okay these motherfuckers could cook at least I had every taco I ate I thought about you opening night I had two chorizo

tacos who makes chorizo tacos out of the fucking range on flower tortillas it was delicious okay I kept it light that's what I had for dinner I flew in I didn't need anything else I didn't touch the rice I didn't touch the beans okay the next day I went back

there and the driver said you have to have the shrimp tacos have the carnita tacos and have the chicharron tacos was the shrimp grilled or fried dog it was mixed in this red sauce with onions nothing like this these people are schmucks

these people here get a tortilla they put some onions they put three shrimp caught in a bay those little fucking bay shrimps and they get those little fucking bay shrimps and they give me some sauce it's garbage yeah those are I don't like those

I like fried ones this was fucking sensational I tell you how real they were the chicharron tacos weren't the hard ones it was the ones mixed in sauce they taste like a pig skin that's what it's like it's like boiled pigs in when they

give you that you know they're fucking real the best thing they had was the carnitas I mean the pork tacos and you know I don't eat pork you know I don't eat pork I'm not Muslim I just don't eat pork I don't eat pork on the road I gotta know where this pig

came from okay I gotta know where this pig came from I'm not Muslim but I don't eat pork on the road yeah I don't I don't eat pork on the run I swear to God I bit into that taco it was so fucking delicious I wanted two to go that's how much of an animal I am and I took

I didn't even make it to the hotel I ate him in the car with the fucking driver that's how stoned that was Friday night what about the place you went to this other place right this Asian place like this bold place I don't even tell me about it spaghetti place

isn't that great too like traveling around the country like cities all over America Jesus Christ I got favorite food spots I hit I was in Fort Worth last weekend the flying fish it's this old place it's been there forever and

they do this red snapper Vera Cruz I get I go every time I go to Fort Worth it's this entire fish it's got this tomato onion thick chunk sauce on top of it it's just heavenly you mentioned them

so let me mention it to you Anthony Bordain when you see that show put a gun in your head and shoot yourself that was you that's what you did in the last 20 years yeah well I still want to do that I want to make that show but with comedy I got comedian friends all over the world and comedy is hot all over the world

I can still make that show I made a lot of short videos I have them on YouTube I made like travel clips and trying to make a comedy travel series that you can do and I guarantee the first season you will get picked up by somebody if you do this

I'm still trying to make that show 11 minute snippets and pull out one a week and you're fucking travels I got some on YouTube I got Malaysia I got Ireland I got Hanoi Vietnam I got Cambodia I've made some nice clips

about marriage you had to have some footage before the marriage the shit of the real time road waking up on the floor with no shirt on and bizbee fucking whatever the stanhope compound the next day you're in Vegas right because that's what this whole thing we were talking about

in the beginning that people really don't know when you're out there we when you're out there some days you wake up on a beautiful fucking bed with a curtain and the room smells like Louis the lilac you know what I'm saying who's Louis the lilac

I don't know but I think he has very comfortable bedding and some days you wake up on a couch that was the part about the road that most gentiles most people never understand when you explain to somebody about your life and they're like so tell us about what you do

and you're like Tuesday night I was in Charleston South Carolina really it was the hotel lady that club has what was the club in Cleveland that had the fucking sleeping in the back of it and no that was in Akron, Coyote of all's tell Lisa

that the fucking beer guy would come you'd be sleeping on a cot and the beer guy would have to push you over they'd lock you in an they had like an old warehouse storage space in the back that had been converted to apartments for the comedians

what did you do as you walk in with your suitcase all excited I was never going to perform there because I can't do coke in the dark I would lose too much of it oh I got a story for you I got a great story from when I played there wouldn't they lock you in there

I was there in February and it was big snow drifts and massive snow storms so me and the other comedian were snowed in for the week so it was like being in jail they had a a metal door

in the back of the club they would unlock it when the owner and the waitresses got to the club you could hear them unlock that metal door and it felt like being in jail like oh now we can go into the club like it's seven or whatever so there was no windows

it's really dark in there this is Jesus I don't even remember what year this was but the headliner was this guy from uh Indianapolis and he was like a portly

bald pervert guy remember the USA network this is like I think the early 90s maybe in that 89 something like that the USA network on cable in the afternoon they had this teen dance party USA show

I don't know if you remember that so it was like somewhere like Texas Teenage kids in bathing suits and bikinis it was a dance show for like an hour and like you know it was like little teenage kids dancing at a beach

with bathing suits on so it was a show for kids for like 20 years so this portly pervert guy that I'm working with he's watching it every day they would do like a marathon of him like three or four episodes back to back

afternoon this guy's just sitting here watching these things and you know we might have been smoking a little pot or who knows what I mean I'm probably 20 years old uh and he turns to me one day and he says wanna watch videos of me fucking my wife

what? and I say who wouldn't so he gets his video camera he gets his video camera he puts the wires onto the back of the TV and he puts on this

video and it's he's like this fat bald guy and his wife was like portly and on a train it was the last two people in the world you would ever wanna see with their clothes off and I think I lasted about two minutes

three minutes and then I just went you know I'm gonna go read I went into my little room and I still had to stay with this guy for like three days he showed it was like it was really uncomfortable and I was like man he knows what else

I went to a guy one time this had to be 98-99 this guy was infactuated with Jennifer Lopez Jennifer Lopez had just released that album and he would play it in his room over

and over and over and over and he would dance and he had pictures of it this was a grown man guys this was not a 21 year old alright so I had to be maybe 38 he was maybe

42 he had lived in LA for 10 years didn't do so well and moved back to his home town and for four days I had to work or pass on him he didn't do drugs so I had to go in my bedroom and bring broads in there late night and shit and all he did was listen to Jennifer Lopez

he was a grown man with a wife and kids and it was something you couldn't even talk to right away Jennifer Lopez is hot man you have any idea how I can meet Jennifer Lopez I mean it was that fucking creepy like

I've never seen him again and that's what you work with in those other clubs you work with lunatics you work with guys that came out here and something happened there's a story and now they're mad at LA people who live in LA suck dick

if you live in New York you suck dick you know it's just and it's a nightmare each of them have a fucking thing so you gotta deal with it the best ever was El Paso some of my best stories had to be El Paso that I've forgotten

like the Angel Salazar weeks it was just craziness Lisa remember you could go over to Juarez was great man I had some great party nights in Juarez one time I got scared I never went really? yeah one time the first time I went I went over there

they're selling leathers and dogs on the street and shit and none of that I had some good nights or you could buy pills and shit and bring them over no no no I came back like 3-4 in the morning in the border control guy I said

I go it wasn't as dangerous as everybody says or you hear about and the border control guy goes you got lucky I guess I don't know maybe I did get lucky no that uh I was scared

nothing El Paso but one time I worked El Paso with a hypnotist and this is my best fucking comedy story out of all those years I remember I still remember waking up New Year's Day the millennium to YK he was

2000 and I worked with him but he was a drunk people didn't go out that night on New Year's Eve I was in San Francisco we had 60 people the bar was pissed everyone was afraid the world was going to

explode because the number was going to roll to 3-0 oh my god this guy comes in and he you know he's drinking he's drinking like a special scotch when that comes in a bag

when that's part of his deal caramel yeah maybe it's in a caramel on comes in a bag yeah it comes in a bag and uh there was something else he's drinking and he's just driving him crazy

he's smoking, he's smoking blow you know this guy's on fucking fire okay so I wake up New Year's Day I'm a little no I don't get high on New Year's I usually don't get high on New Year's

it's just bad luck so I get up New Year's Eve and I see that he's already got he's doing a kid's show but the kid's show starts at noon it's 8.30 he's already got a half a gallon of wine next time

he's already got you got blue apron over there Tarzan you're sitting there like a fucking bumpy you see I'm over here confused uh that's it what's this you got one page for your uncle Joey he's sitting there

at fucking 8.30 guys with a tuxedo shirt on with suspenders, no pants on boxer shorts black party socks and fucking shoes on with no fucking pants just sitting there smoking chasing it with a cigarette

getting ready for the kids getting ready for the kids dog he fucking decides to go in there and just eats the no don't worry about it he just eats a bag of dicks but he's getting bark mad because before the show

he's drinking those fucking shots he's already bombed he's already bombed because it's 11.30 when he tells me he's walking through the thing I go you know what I'm gonna walk down there with you because I gotta see this it don't take a genius to know this is gonna be a train wreck

I walked him down there skipping down the fucking hill like nothing happened we go in there there's kids everywhere he goes right to the bar I'm like give me a shot you know me when I was gonna buy him a shot Bart sees this magician whatever the fuck he is it's his drinking he's going nuts

he's pacing back and forth he does two or three shots before he goes on stage he goes on stage sure enough he brings a kid up and the kid looks in the midway and he goes you stink the kid tells him he's stoned like booze man

and he don't know what to do the pigeons disappear Bart's going nuts in the back kids are crying and shit I'm in the back I'm in the back you just set this up I just watched it

listen you have to if you didn't know this is gonna be a fucking train wreck but here's the best now he's frustrated he's at the bar the turnout wasn't good cause he got like a door deal no one is happy the kids are crying Bart's crying

Bart's crying the kids are crying he's fucking howling at the bar now to make things worse what do you think this fucking magician hit slash hit the system he calls their moms guns he gets a

how can this get any worse he pulls his dick out he orders a double what happens he orders a double he lights another cigarette on stage in front of the kids no at the bar there's still kids

he's gonna take money back and shit he goes let me get a double and he sparks up a cigarette and he's at the bar he's jiggling the ice I know this is gonna get it and listen when the kid came up to him and asked him for an autograph so I forget what it was

I saw Bart's face get fucking red because he just he took the cigarette and put it in his mouth and took the picture with the kid Emily that's the beauty of the road that you get to see shit like that and that's like something that you'll think about

your last ten minutes on this earth that vision should come to you doing that I've never laughed that hard seeing that evolve in front of me there was ten more that I probably forgot so many scenes in your life as a comedian you think if you saw this in a movie

there's no way that would happen I was towing a car from Seattle to San Francisco I have questions already I'm towing a car from Seattle to Los Angeles

but the deal is we're driving the trailer and the car is in the hits behind us the girl I'm with I say drop me off and open mic in San Francisco and come back and pick me up in 15-20 minutes I do this set I come out I call her

as she's going around the turn I see the back of the fucking the back of the trailer just fall and she's still driving but the car goes the trailer broke the whole fucking thing so we had to get it welded

so we had to take it to some shady neighborhood overnight and we had to sleep in the trailer with the car in the back we had three in the morning an open mic started right outside the trailer as pissed as I was I was fucking howling she even woke up and said

what the fuck are you laughing about you should be out there saying something I go listen to what they're doing they were playing the guitar they were smoking dope and I remember howling to myself nobody would ever believe this that these people wouldn't play this guitar

anywhere else right now this is the shit that I don't know do you travel the who the fuck knows I'd like to eventually if we fucking get the big time then you go on the road every weekend

we'll get your drugs what are you going to do sleep in hotel rooms if you go out it's to go deep into the hemisphere four nights a week drinking passing out bleeding out of your asshole I never bled out of my asshole

well you bled out of the fucking places anyway let's give a shout out to the sponsors to get the fuck out of here it's late people got shit to do with people you see no I'm happy you can do it I'm very happy man the last thing anybody wants to do

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slash joey my treat really the first two meals are on me when you go to blueapron.com slash joey how's that for you ricotta month and mom sounds fantastic I'm happy that you're not drinking no more that was good thanks brother not that I give a fuck if you were drinking

but sometimes and it's funny you couldn't have done this 20 years ago it's your wisdom you know where you're going every warrior needs to move on to wise men you see I'm saying Lisa you taking notes kind of suck it you're sitting there like Zombo with your

eyes all red anyway Valentine's Day is coming so I'll tell you what one of the best things you could give somebody is me on these and I'll tell you why because I wear me on these all the time especially when I do different sporting events if your boyfriend goes to jiu-jitsu

or he wants to lift weights he always wants to be comfortable there's nothing that a man wants to do is lift weights over his head and his nuts fall out of his shorts nobody wants to be that fucking guy even if nobody sees him you know it and it's fucking uncomfortable it fucks with your head this is why me on these is for you

me on these is for you I'm sorry for you what the fuck am I talking about don't be predictable and show up at your Valentine's dinner with some last minute box of chocolates or bouquet of roses that are gonna die in a week anyway give the gift everybody's talking about show your special someone just how much

you care with a present you're both love a gift that looks great and feels great in some ways says you deserve the best treat yourself and your boo to a matching pair of me on these the world's most comfortable under what I'm explaining to you for you motherfuckers I ain't romantical

motherfuckers drop it on you show up at your girlfriend's house with underwear for you and her that match that's a tremendous bull lick that's as simple as I could say they pick up your helmet and lick that thing like it's the last fountain of fucking the last fountain out there in the death

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who's that you know who it is anyway where you at where you at in the next couple weeks I'm in California I'm in Sacramento next week at the punchline at the punchline and then I think it's the 15th there's something I'm doing Arcada have you

ever done Arcada up in Humboldt County it's where Humboldt State is okay fantastic place up there then I'm doing it's called jambalaya okay think it's the 15th then I'm doing Mill Valley the Throck Morton on the Tuesday

this is just next week and then the San Francisco punchline after that you're fucking beautiful I'm California for February really yeah then where do you go March Tacoma Washington the Tacoma comedy club you ever done that that place is supposed to be

fantastic orange and Seattle and then I'm doing Scottsdale Arizona in March also you're a fucking animal dog it's a it's a blessing what we do it's a blessing you're still out there you know you look good you're healthy you're married sometimes

this is the thing about life sometimes what you thought turns into something else and that's what makes it life if it was as easy as you thought it was going to be like some guy how about marry a nurse and grow up and have 10 kids and next you know you married some fucking Chinese chicken up and fucking

Southeast Asia taking pictures of young kids with well I was a headshot fuck that you know I watch you and it's just you know you just keep getting better it's just like that's what we do you're a wrecking ball now you know it's beautiful to see like

I just turned 49 last week just a couple years older than me just to like be hitting our peak in our fifties if you would again Lee and I say this that I would be out there working when I was going to tell you were crazy

I've never been better you know I'm really excited I'm working on my new hour so from my next special it's just fun and exciting again I love it I mean it's always been fun and exciting but like

I feel like it's never been better and I watch you and it's like yeah man like Carlin at the end that was his best work that he ever did in his life it was like last five specials right now there's so many great

and I know you guys are sick of hearing it but there's so many great comedians working that aren't in the rotation which means they aren't the eight comedians you know they moved back to New York whatever happened and these are the guys that Lee would go catch and go who the fuck is that guy

and he would have like a tonight's show credit or some suspicious credit but it didn't matter the guy was a great comic he just didn't go down the right road or go to the right club or something must happen there's a thousand of those guys across the country

that have a day job that said you know what that shit wasn't for me I'm blue collar I want to work every day I don't want people to tell me what the fuck to do and blah blah blah blah blah and they're still great comedians you can't take it away from them we go watch the people who are hip

and who's in the circle because that's what we do I would do the same thing when I go to a list and I see a comic that's got a heat I sit and watch them what the fuck what the fuck that's what it's all about you gotta be aware of what's going on so now I enjoy it

when I was out there pimping doing drugs I never went to comedy shows did you know that when I was out there slinging dick I never thought about sitting there for two hours fuck you I got a package of blow on my pocket I ain't sitting nowhere for two hours unless your naked keep me down when the Pogo's thinking some shit

let's wrap this mother fuck up I'm gonna be at the Helium in St. Louis Thursday through Saturday and then on the 19th and the 20th at the South Point Comedy for my birthday on the 19th I'll be 53 Lisa Yats coming

my man Larry's coming Tokin Lass coming Esther Koo is coming on the drums and that's it that's all I gotta tell you mother fuck as usual always a fucking pleasure seeing you Jesus fucking Christ unbelievable I used to watch you on MTV when I first started

and go wow I'm looking at me fucking with the long hand looking all fucking cool and that's it Lisa Yats what's happening in your world cock smoker I'm doing great I'm doing life in neutral it's a new podcast it's been like four episodes and doing great yeah me and John Rock it's going great

you looking good you going to cattle battles tomorrow if I can yeah I'll call you tomorrow morning we'll forget this fucking you looking beautiful cock second thanks for co-hosting this bitch tonight it was fun thank you you gonna put a little music on at the end

sure but can I yeah put a little music for us maybe a little fucking wheels of confusion by black Sabbath or something like that send them off in the right state of mind Lisa Yats I just heard that last night I'm like this is a fucking rude we goddamn song

we'll continue this on my podcast yeah absolutely do you want to just periscope so I can turn off youtube if you want to for the song Jesus Christ I don't worry about let's just go okay I'll see you guys tomorrow guys thank you stay black this show was brought to you by

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