Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #353 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt with Dick Syatt

Episode Date: February 4, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio with a visit from Lee's Dad, Dick Syatt. This podcast is brought to you by:   Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey to start your free trial today Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box.   Recorded live on 02/03/2016.


This podcast is brought to you by NatureBox. Say goodbye to weird mystery ingredients and start snacking smarter with NatureBox. And start snacking confidently with NatureBox. Visit naturebox.com slash joey to get 50% off of your first box now. Let's head to naturebox.com slash joey right now to get 50% off your first box. Shows also brought to you by Headspace. Go to headspace.com right now and download the free app and begin their take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash joey.

That's headspace.com slash joey and the show is brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alpha Brain and New Mood. What's the story? I'm here. I'm here. I'm high as fuck. That's what we're supposed to do.

Fuck yeah. It's fucked up when you were talking about meditation, you know, Lee and this shit started with me like a 1990. Okay. I didn't know what depression was. I had heard about depression, but now thinking about what America is this. I don't know if this even was depression. This is maybe a form of unhappiness.

You know what I'm saying? I was away. How old were you in 1990? I'm fucking 28 years old or some shit. Okay. Three and seven. I'm 27 years old. I'm married.

I got a kid. I'm roofing. I'm making an okay living. I'm busting my ass. I was flat roofing during the week. What's happening? Where you go up on a roof and you tear 40 squares off and then you put insulation and then you put rubber and then you put ballastin, which is rocks and you then you flash it.

You come back and flash it every three days. You go back and flash it in the afternoon, you know, which is tighten up all the seals around the pipes and the air conditioning. Oh, okay. And all that shit. But for the most part, we were a four-man crew, five-man crew that was doing fucking 40 squares, two hot roofs on that on that roof since 1920, plus an additional wooden roof.

I mean, it was crazy. We cut through it and then fucking pull it off and then lay down the insulation, lay down some other shit down there and then lay down the rubber and then ballast it. Okay. So why didn't you just lay it on top of all the other stuff, all the other roof over there? Because the roof underneath was faulty. So you don't want to put good shit on top of bad shit. They wanted you to re-roof the fucking thing and it'd been there for 50 fucking years.

There was no building. The building was in great shape, but you know, something was fucking missing me. Something was missing. For the first time in my life, my head had hit a wall, 27, 28, my head had hit a wall. I didn't know what to do. So it's funny that you bring up meditate in that summer. I did everything. I went back to the Catholic church.

I signed up for confirmation class. At the age of 30, I'm in confirmation class with a bunch of 13, 12 year olds. So you didn't do that when you were 13? No, they drew us out because of the lubes. Lubes asked the priest if there was a bunch of people in North Bergen, they let you out at one o'clock on Fridays and you had two choices, either you stayed in school or you went to fucking Catholicism. CCD or something, right?

CCD. Guess what? Even the Jews signed up. Hell yeah. Two hours of fucking Catholic shit, just to learn what the enemy's thinking. That's when Jews thought right there, so they all were like Bill Belichick. They all went over. They were spying on the Catholics?

Sure, they went over to the Catholics just to see what these cocksuckers are thinking. It's been 2,000 years since we stabbed Jesus. We might have to get back to the fucking party. So even now, right here in Studio City, the daycare with my wife was thinking of taking the baby. There's a lot of Jewish kids and it's a Christian school because the daycare's so good. There's a waiting list, who gives a fuck? They probably got them in the back, finger banging them, taking pictures and shit, sending

pictures to Vegas and some shit and we don't even know it. You got to be careful. But anyway, I was fucking unhappily. I didn't know what the fuck to do. What do you mean unhappy? Because it's funny that I had a conversation like this today. So when you say unhappy, it's not like you're sad. But whatever you're doing in your life at that time just ain't feeling right.

Even the coke wasn't feeling right. My life was so fucked up on the inside that nothing felt right. When I say on the inside, let's get time for the basis. I had a beautiful wife, I had a beautiful baby, I just bought a condo. Everything that you're supposed to want. I had a truck, we had a car, we weren't rich, I mean we didn't have $50,000 in the bank. We had a couple grand, but in my world where I had come from five years earlier, there was no bank account.

The bank account would get open to get closed a week later than I'd rob the thing. I was the only person that would rob this own bank account, so it was fucking ridiculous. So in my world that was fucking just perfect. I had a job, I had security, but in my world, that's not what I wanted. How were you happy for any of it? Because you said it, you said it was the wedding you weren't, but... Not a fucking thing. I loved that little girl with all my heart, that was it.

That's the only thing that was keeping me together. If I would've just been married without that little girl at the time, I would've taken a plane and gone fucking, what's that Bruce Springsteen story, he went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back, I would've pulled one of those Louis Lamour fucking novels. And I can't lie to you, because nothing felt right. The job didn't feel right, the money didn't feel right, I just didn't feel right. It was too clean, it was too perfect. It was what I wanted, but I didn't really want that.

And could you tell anyone, or did anyone think you were crazy? I thought I was going crazy. I didn't know what the fuck to do with my life. I was so unhappy, here I'm picking up, it's 1990 and I'm picking up eight bills a week roof and flat cash, cash, no taxes, which is really 12 or 13. And I was picking up another 15 on the weekends doing a roof by myself and another guy, ripping it down on Friday night, stocking it on Friday, going back there Saturday morning early, putting the first roof on, ripping the other one off, stocking that, coming back on Sunday, putting

that roof on, flashing it, getting home by dinner at six o'clock, hanging out with the baby and the fucking so-called wife and getting up the next morning at 5.30 and doing it all over again. You had to get up at 5.30 every day? I had to be in downtown Denver by 7 a.m. from Boulder. And he worked and he gave us a bonus. He made us a deal in October, like in mid-October, he came to us and he says, if we finish this roof out of here, everything clean, the day before Thanksgiving, we get like a hundred

grand bonus and I chopped that up, I'll take half of the company and chop that up. Until then, we got to work every day and we looked at them and we go, fuck yeah. Yeah, for 10 grand. And we worked every fucking day. I mean, it was snow, foot of snow, we'd shovel that snow, wait till the sun came out and get to work. And this is how good we were. We got to the point where we got so good as a crew that some days we would start at 11 and we'd still finish by 3.30 when the truck would come with the gravel because the truck would come at

3.30 and he didn't give no, he come at 3 o'clock every day with, you know, I don't know how many times of gravel, like stone, like, and that's what you put on the roof. And that's what you put on the roof to keep the roof on the roof. So he didn't give a fuck. Like you couldn't wave and I'm going, Lee, we ain't going to be ready for 10 minutes. That didn't fly. He'd take and make a U-turn and leave. So that's how good that crew got.

We had a young white dude from Jersey, a cop, an ex, he was trying to be a cop. He had two Irish laborers from New Jersey because the company was based out of Jersey. He had just brought them back to Colorado. We had Mike Robock who used to call in here, who called him with a book about knives and shit. And also was a dear friend of mine. Right. And we had this 60 year old old guy that his name was Jim and he had no teeth. I used to torment Jim every day.

I loved him. We used to fuck him. Jim, fuck you, fuck you. You motherfuckers and we torment him. Was that the guy who brought all the food? He used to bring his own food and we used to try to steal it from him. He told us to go fuck himself. So I took a shit in the bag and squished it like a brownie one day and gave it.

I ain't anybody wanted brownie and I knew he was a sucker for brownie. I'll take it. And he came over and grabbed that brownie and I walked away. Knew when it was a piece of shit and I had put together crumpled it up. In those days, I used to eat harvest granola every fucking day. Ever since I got out of fucking the joint every day, I went to the harvest restaurant and I had Swiss granola every day. You understand me?

I never ate eggs again. Well, you should re for three fucking years. That's all I ate was Swiss granola. Oh my God, which was frozen vanilla yogurt, which will kill you right there. But I didn't give a fuck with granola, with raspberries, blueberries, pineapples and bananas, and I'd mix that motherfucking gumbo of debt up and I eat that every breakfast and they had the harvest iced tea. It was a vegan place, but delicious.

They used to have vegan fucking, uh, Caspaccio. It's in Caspaccio vegan already. Like, uh, I guess so. Like a fucking Mexican soup or some shit. Yeah. It's like tomato. I guess it's usually fish in it, seafood. But the point of the fucking story that I'm getting to, right?

I mean, I didn't know what was eating me alive. I mean, I knew that I just knew that I was fucking miserable. So now I go down to Sacred Heart where I got married and I signed up for confirmation classes and make my confirmations to get the Holy Spirit in me. You think that shit worked? That should make me feel fucking worse than I already did. Why? I don't fucking know.

So I walked around for another two months and a buddy of mine recommended that I go meditate at a place called Naropa Institute in Boulder. It's all these fucking hippies hanging out these little trust one kids that are really dynamite kids and they get stoned. And how was really turned on to Naropa was one of my buddies worked in a fucking kitchen at Naropa. Okay. And he worked there as an employee.

Okay. And the guy, the owner, he worked hard. And when everybody else was calling in sick, he was going to work every day and the guy trusted him and the guy gave him the keys. And it just kept, this trust kept growing on between my buddy. My buddy was a bartender, but he also did this job three days a week. He likes, he was a vegan. This place was a vegan place and he was a vegan cook.

Him and his girlfriend were both vegan cooks. Well, not him and his girlfriend were both vegans. Okay. And one day the guy came in and he goes, Hey, man, I'm nine eights. This place is yours. Wow. I don't know. There was some money exchanged, but it was just a break-even type deal.

And my buddy had to work two years or something to make the loan back. And that was it. He owns the place. Now he owns like three of those places. Lenny Martinelli in Boulder, Colorado. And they do, cause I just, I meditated for years and my dad, my dad did. I had my brother and I do it. And we went to one of the, we went and it's like an Ayurvedic place on it.

It doesn't sound like what he was doing, but it had like, had meditation and all like healthy foods. Yeah. Well, this is on Mondays. This place had walking meditation. Yeah. That's how you start. You have to go to walking meditation. And the first time I went in there, they had like these mats.

What really happened was that wasn't that Naropa. This was up a park. You had to walk up this park named Chautauqua. Okay. And up there they have these little white monks, these little fucking rich guys. They put turbans on and they take the shirts off and they stop putting the odor in on. They stink like fucking debt.

And you go in there and you'd walk, meditate. And the first time I went in there, Lee, I swear to God, I smell feet so much in my nose because you have to breathe in through your nose. Right. Yeah. The foot was stuck. Like I smell like 20 different sets of feet at once. And it got stuck in the middle of my fucking nose.

I was getting sick in there. Because there was no intention. I didn't have panic attacks done. I just was getting dizzy. Like I had to get the fuck out of there from the smell of feet. That's when my nose was still good and I could smell. I was very sensitive and shit. And like I went to one time and I kind of got sick.

I smelled like armpit and Pachugi juice and all that shit put together. Then I went back and then I started going back on Mondays. And I really enjoyed it, except for the smell of feet. That's maybe why my hatred of fucking feet and jujitsu at first. Yeah, it's not good. Have you ever done hot yoga? No, but that dude got in trouble. That little perverted fucking Hindu.

Did you see him? No. He comes out fucking back room. That's the yoga. Yeah, yeah. Well, he got sued last week for fucking torture and sex and shit. Him? Oh, he's a filthy fucking.

Let me tell you something. That dude's a filthy fucking Hindu and I love Hindus, but that dude, even Hindus get mad at him. This dude walks around with them curry feet with a bikini on. People sweating. He's got that fucking tongue of juice coming out of his toes and shit. And people, these fucking white chicks that go down and suck his dick. They should be shot.

No, those little white chicks. He has white chicks that's just come and how is he old? Oh, he's fucking older than that. But these fucking white chicks go down and they're like, oh, my God, he changed my life. Tunga, you know, he fucking he touched me, you know, and all this shit where nobody else has touched me and end up sucking his. They end up sucking that curry dick and then fucking, you know,

you got to live with that the rest of your life. You blew that fucking curry dick, dude, after a hot big room, fucking yoga. His balls smell like fucking curdled milk. And then you are fucking, yeah. He touched me inside. Get the fuck out of here, you fucking mook. That I swear to God, I went. What happened was about maybe it had to be five, six years ago.

Longer, because we were still living in Hollywood. Me and my wife got invited to a party, Mark Bennington photography. Cool motherfucker always did my headshots. I'm still tight with him. He lives in Jersey city. If you need headshots, contact me if you live in the New Jersey area. I'll hook you up with Mark Bennington. He's fucking dead.

His headshots will book you work even without auditions. Like that's how strong his headshots are. But Ben, Ben, Ben was into all that fucked up shit. Me and me and Bennington got along because of music. But on the other side, he was just wiped out of his mind. He hung out with these wacky Hollywood people. And one of them was a chick who was a yoga chick. Well, I was so fucking high when I walked in there.

Like I got high by mistake because my wife was driving. And this chick gave me an ear beating about yoga. Because at that time, my wife was getting me into yoga. Yeah, because you did yoga for all those years. I was losing weight and my wife was really getting me into yoga, which I wasn't doing it right. Like now I'm thinking about going to where she goes, but I don't want to blow up her spot.

So there's a spot over here that I saw that gives you like 10 yogas for 10 bucks or something. And they have a beginner class yoga and you're going in, you really breathe and I'm thinking about it. Can you lose weight doing yoga? It sounds stupid, but they say yes. They say yes. I saw that little Chinese guy in the video.

He couldn't walk. He started doing yoga. Right, the GDP guy, right? Yeah. Next thing you know, he's fucking doing jumping jacks and he's fucking running. And so I don't know. Well, that was hard. I did that class.

I got confused. I went to yoga for a while and I thought I was going to lose weight and I'd break a sweat and stuff, but it's not. A sweat. It's like a good addition to the workouts. Yeah, it's like a fucking stretch and get your blood going to those places and it makes your back strong and your breathing. If you were breathing right like now, I'm getting the breathing better.

You know, listen, I could lose a hundred pounds. I just need to fucking get my nose cleaned out. Is that really? I just I Dave, Dave told me three years ago, Joey, I could tell just by your breathing, your nose, you're not getting enough oxygen, your nose. You didn't blow for 30 years. What did you expect?

Oh, how good you think your nose is? I don't smell half the time. I don't smell a lot of shit. Really? There's some days I don't taste nothing. I just eat it because what the fuck? What are my options? It was good yesterday. That's fucked up.

So it's because that's what happened to Sage North. The last week, he said he had a really bad flu. And when he was on his back, he just couldn't breathe. You can't breathe. The pressure goes to your head. It's like going on an airplane. I got to bring two fucking things and pills on a plane, just in case I forget.

Like, right tonight when I go home, like I'm already back. But yesterday, I already put two new fucking nose sprayers in the bag, my travel bag. When I bring on the plane with the computer and the notebook and the pens and the yeah. So what what is the what is the doctor going to do for you? That's going to fix it. Fix my fucking it really was weird.

I was watching that Whitney Houston thing. OK, the last 24 hours of Whitney Houston autopsy. And there was they were checking out the body and what went wrong with this. As soon as you looked in the nose, you knew it's a perforated septum, which means my septum has little holes in it. So it's like a balloon with little holes. And just really like if I sniff a lot of it, don't go in.

Where did it go? Who the fuck knows until my eyeball? Who the fuck knows? I don't know. I didn't ask. That's that's scary. So when are you going to do that? Soonish, you know, when I got a chance to go over the fucking hill. You know, all this shit is over the hill

and there's traffic over that fucking hill. And it's a scary place in my world. Next week, I got to go over the hill like a motherfucker. I'm home on next week. I got to run over. I got a blood test and I got to go see the heart doctor. I got to make I'm going to do the Tom Rhodes podcast. You know, I got to work next week.

I got to go to a meeting Monday. I got a lot of action. Even though I'm home, I got a lot of fucking action next week. Next week's real. And the week after that's my birthday and the week after that, my boy, Michael Dodd comes on the show for two nights to break down the seven motherfucking five. That'll be really fun. Yeah, the 22nd and 23rd.

I think the dates are the 24th. I got a big time showcase at the economy store at 830. So I got three fucking weeks from now, trust me. And these I like it this way. This is the way it's supposed to be. Not to mention the baby Jiu Jitsu working out, writing, you know, arguing, you know, you know. But it's good to be bit like it's. Yeah, you were saying you.

The last three weeks have been a joy in my fucking heart. I'm busy just being me. Now put me on a motherfucking mission. That's what I enjoy. What time did I call you this morning? Six. And I was already up two hours. I had already written a now in a fucking half and anger. I just wrote.

I put together a proposition I had to do for some people. Yeah, when I go to work, I go to work. Well, I need that coffee and that fucking first. But I thought right that first Dubois. And you ain't stopping master disaster. I wanted to ask you when you're talking about feeling a little bit down. What did you feel like when you woke up? Because that for me was the worst.

Waking up for like the job that I hated. Waking up and like dreading the seconds until I got there. At that time, I got to be honest with you. I hated every work waking moment of the day. Because it felt like what I wanted to do. I wasn't doing right at the same time. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And that frustrated you more.

That frustrated me more. The thing that saved me, which is I was making Gitas. I was putting together Gitas. I was doing a couple of bumps from time to time. I was already done with the halfway house. I was running a game on my house. At that point, I was running games. I figured out how to get there, how to get school loans, you know,

and do full up to paperwork for full time and then take the credits off and go part time and keep the money. I was already figuring out shit. I was already wheeling and dealing. And let's pretend I was a snort and blow. I would buy an ounce for 11 to sell it to you for 18. I don't give a fuck. You know, my world, that's five on all.

That's a five on all profit for the day. Let's make it happen. You got an ounce for 1100 Lee. This guy will buy it for 18. Let's go. Put the money up, I'll sell them. We'll split the fucking cash just like that. We'll split 250 just like that.

Bam. Nobody goes to jail. I know this fucking jamoke. That's awesome. So then when you were saying you finally focused on comedy, did you start to stop doing that? I didn't focus on comedy at that point. At that point, I was dilly dallying with it. At that point,

I had to put back into the halfway house. For getting high. And while I was in the halfway house, my buddy showed me a tape, Andrew Dice Clay. And I borrowed the tape on New Year's Eve. And I watched that tape, New Year's Eve. When I woke up, New Year's Eve, 1991. Just something.

I was like, something's gonna happen. I gotta make it happen. I didn't write my goals. I didn't do nothing. I kept working on the fucking roof. But when you had that epiphany, did you stop doing all that other stupid stuff? Or no, not really.

Listen. No. I was, I wasn't doing blow. I was selling it. All I was trying to do was to stay ahead of whatever. What I've been trying to do since day one. But at this time, I was trying to support a family. And I was serious about the family,

but I was still very serious about my fucking drug life and how I lived. That wasn't gonna stop me. That was not gonna stop me at that age. I still had the guns hidden. I still would rob your house if there was more than 10,000 in there. You know, I was just being very careful.

After I got out of prison, I got very careful. I watched my back a little extra. If I saw something, but I thought it could be a trap, I walked away from it. You know what? If I fucking lost 7,000, I lost 7,000. But I didn't go for the trap. Right.

Okay, I never went for stupid fucking traps. And I kept out of them. And then once I had that tape, and I woke up that day in 91 for about a month, I had this weird feeling that maybe I should try standing up. I had this weird feeling like maybe I should try standing up. And people have been telling you at this point

to try it, right? Two, three, four, four people had come to me and said, you should try standing up. And I'm like, no, I'm not gonna do it. But that morning of January 1st, 1991, I was like, I'm gonna fucking try standing up. I'm not gonna tell nobody. I'm gonna do it on my own time.

And that was a thought I had. And that thought lasted for about 30 days. And then it came back to me. What am I gonna do, stand up? And I was like, ah, I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know, you know, I'm too busy. I got the kid, I started making excuses for myself in my head.

Maybe I'll go, you know, in those days, there wasn't no internet, I wasn't gonna Google how do I start stand up? You just, you know, what do you do? You go to the library? I didn't know about stand up comedy clubs. I thought people just did stand up on TV. You know, I knew that people did shows

in individual places, but I didn't know really that there was just standard comedy clubs. Like I- All your time in New York, you'd never seen one or been? Fuck no, are you crazy? Me and my friends never did that shit. Really? It seems like you like that.

We were to see Eddie Murphy at the garden. Okay. Okay, so I thought you just woke up one day. When I just heard about stand up, I thought that one day, is that a gun? I hope not. I thought that one day you woke up, you went to some guy's house, you had material

and you got on stage and there was 200 people there and you did comedy and that was it. That was the whole process. That was the whole process. And the only experience I had had with stand up that I looked at it and I walked away was Charlie, whatever I was telling you, Barnett at Central Park, at Washington Square Park.

Right, then yeah. When I saw that, I was very like, wow, he's doing it outside. Like that's how they do it. Like I was still, I didn't have a, guys, I didn't have an idea that you had to work hard and get on stage every night and do it for 10 years and I had no idea.

I basically thought that you wrote material and you went to a TV station and they had a stage and you went up there and they had 200 people in the audience. That's what I really fucking thought. That's how pathetic I was. So I didn't know nothing. February came along.

At this point, I'm not really working on the roofs anymore. I'm basically going to the roofs and bringing them whatever they forgot. There was two or three crews then. You were like the supervisor. I was an estimator, but part of my job was materials. So in the mornings, before I went and estimated, I had to drop materials off to people

or go get whatever they needed. So if I'd have to go to I-70 to this place and get sashes, metal, whatever, screws, drill bits, whatever. So one day I went on a job and it snowed, but the sun was out. I'll never forget that. Like usually when it snows, like it stays cloudy.

Like a sun shower, but it's snowing. Like it was a sun shower, but it snowed fucking six inches of snow. Holy shit. And breakfast was 10 o'clock. And I said, you know what, guys? I'll shovel and on the way down, I'll go over and get you guys breakfast.

Give me your orders. And in those days, there was six of us. We all ate a container of green chili. Some days I'd just pay for it and I'd get the money when I went back and then the next day, some other guy would pay, you know, we were really cool about it. So I said, I'm gonna go get us a green chili

to warm us up. And when I, something, I had to order something and I had to sit. Like I had to sit like it was those old diners where you had to sit and it has the circular stools. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a counter. I'm like a regular diner.

So I was sitting at the counter and I look over and there's a fucking newspaper, a Rocky Mountain post or whatever the fuck it is. And I pick it up and I'm scrolling through this Rocky Mountain fucking post and in the middle, it said, how to be a comedian. Just in the newspaper? In the newspaper.

Like, you know, in the middle of entertainment, like every paper has like, like, you know, what happened, the police blotter. And then as you get to the middle of the sale pages, women's bras and Macy's, just in the middle, right? In the front page of entertainment, how to become a stand-up comedian. They interviewed five local guys.

One of them was a comic by the name of Andy Payton. I'll never forget that. And then inside it has how to become a comedian. Go to an open mic at the comedy works in Denver, do this or take a stand-up class. I went with the fucking last one. I had the fear of death. What did you think when you saw that in the paper?

It was just like the answer to your part. That's crazy. It was crazy. It's like God put, like that. It was crazy. I stole the section. Yeah. I took the section, I put it in my pocket,

I sat in the car and I looked at it. And it took me about, and I'm lying to you guys because something happened way before that that really fucked me up. I watched the movie Punchline. It snowed in January and I was home. And I went to that movie place in Boulder and I got Punchline with Tom Hanks and Sally Struthers.

No, no, no, Tom Hanks and Tom Hanks and the chick that was from the, she's old. I mean, you won't know what it is. Okay. It was Tom Hanks, Angel Salazar, Damon Wayans. It's called Punchline. And it's a movie about a comedy club in Jersey called The Garage, I think.

The exploits that go in there and also has a contest. Her name is Lila and she was the flying nun and that's her name and the thing. And Tom Hanks is a doctor and he gets thrown out of medical school. So now he's lying to his parents and he's really doing stand-up at night. And it shows him doing like fucking cancer clinics

in the afternoon for 25 bucks and writing jokes for people. It was really, and I watched it this afternoon, my head almost blew up. Oh, you watched it again this afternoon? No, I watched it one afternoon when it snowed and I couldn't work. And I watched it and my head almost blew up. I was like, holy fuck, so that's what you gotta do.

So I went in the yellow page and I saw Denver Comedy Works. And I was like, oh, shit. And I called them and I said, do you have an open mic? And they're like Tuesdays. And I go, how do I get on? And they go, you gotta call the Thursday before,

before four o'clock, whatever the fuck. I never called. And then a couple of weeks later, I saw that newspaper article and that really put me over the top. So I saw Comedy Works. I saw these other clubs, but the main thing I saw was a comedy class

at the University of Colorado in Boulder. I go, that's right around the corner from my house. I'm in. Like a stand-up comedy class? A stand-up comedy class at the college, three Sundays in a row, $35 fucking dollars. Wow. $35 fucking dollars.

The guy's name was Jeff Harms. And I sat there the first week. I didn't know what to expect. He made his buy a book. He told us about stand-up. It was a three hour class on Sundays. The guy was a sweetheart. He did five hours.

You know, he just kept us there. Like we just all sat there like an hammered. And it was for people who had fear of public speaking or who wanted to get into stand-up comedy. So the second Sunday, you had to write material a little bit with him and think about what you wanted to do and discuss it with him.

Then the third Sunday, you did a performance. And this was the first time you ever did it ever before any stage? Pretty much. I had done it in prison a few times on stage, but I didn't know it was fucking stand-up. I thought it was people yelling at people from a table. I didn't know it was the artist stand-up comedy.

No, I don't think you'd put that on your resume. But that's crazy how you went to, my college actually just started a stand-up comedy major. It's crazy guys. It's fucking crazy. It's huge right now. I could teach it. I could teach that shit

because I really know the nuts and bolts. But it was so like that class that last Sunday as I was leaving, he pulled me aside. And he goes, I think that you really have a career in this. If you really want to do this. And I was like, ah, no, this is not what I want to do. This is just, at that time, I didn't know what the fuck I wanted to do.

I didn't know if this was the answer to my unhappiness. So were you searching for like at the class? Like why were you at the class then? Why did I take the class? Yeah. I wanted to see the nuts and bolts. I had all these, I want to know how to. Let's pretend I want to know how to.

You know, before I go to ITT tech and spend $9,000 on electrical wiring, let me see if I'll even like this shit. Right. So $36, $37, I had nothing to do by taking a class. Nothing to lose. If it was $2,000, hello, then I got to commit to it. But it was $37.

What do I care for three fucking Sundays of my time? I enjoyed it. But when that guy said that to me, it fucked with me a little bit. It was like, really? And I started thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it. And one day, boom, in the paper,

here I am working 73, right? Right. All right, roofing and working on the weekends and estimating I'm going home and taking care of a baby with my wife at the time. We're not really ginning. So guess what? Guess what I saw in the boulder paper?

And I had for dormant at the comedy club. So you got that job? I went, I applied, and I got a job at night as a dormant. So I had to be there at 7.30, I had to see everybody. And then I just stayed at the dorm and I had to let everybody leave and then I get in the car and go home. That was my job.

And I watched comedians. How many nights a week? Tuesday through Sunday. There goes your marriage. My marriage was doomed anyway. There goes my marriage. I was just trying to stay ahead. But at that time I was so unhappy.

I said, fuck it, let me take this job. This is what I want to do. Let me at least go in the scene and ask questions and become friends with these guys and help them carry their luggage to the car. At that time I'd do whatever just to ask you a question. And the comics were very nice to me. They answered my questions and the people were nice to me.

And also guess what? The fucking lighting guy and the sound guy quit. So they came to me and they're like, what are you doing? You want to make them two extra hours an hour? And I'm like, yeah. Turn on the lights, turn on the show. And fucking sit here till the end

and make sure the volume's right. And we'll pay you for two jobs. So now I got there at seven and I stayed till close and I became friends with them. I was allowed to have a drink with the comedians and ask them. And then a week later, guess what happened? What?

The bar back quit. You were not the entire staff of the comedy club. I was the bar back. I would go out, start the show, go in the back, mix drinks, stock the bar, wash glasses, mix drinks, go out, close the show, clean the bar and go home. They took the door staff job from me. They gave it to one of the girls to see people and take IDs.

She was a big little Indian looking bitch. She was about six foot one, four hundred pounds. She didn't fuck around. So, Indian looking bitch. Oh, she was something. Maybe like Alaska or something. Fucking Himalayan, one of those weird people looking,

I don't fucking know, but she was very sweet. But I did that. And as soon as I did that, I was like, fuck this, I'm going on stage. And then- So for three weeks, at least I had, I fucking remember, fucking, in May, I started calling the comedy works.

Like that, mid-April, I started calling the comedy works. And every week they would call me, you got the spotlight canceled that night. I kept canceling and canceling and canceling. I wasn't ready and my material wasn't ready. I wanted to have 20 minutes, just tons of excuses, one after the other. And how many were you doing, three minutes?

Three minutes, that's it. But you wanted to have 20 just in case. Just, you know, just an excuse. That's the excuse comics will tell you, well, I'm not ready. I want to have an hour before I go up there. Just like that, you're going to have a fucking hour. You don't even know how to write a minute

and you're going to go on that. You know, it's just an excuse to comics that don't know, we'll say it before they go on stage. People have a fear of going on stage. Well, it was huge fear I had. You know, at this time, Lee, it's not that I failed at everything. It's like quit everything.

What was going to be fucking different now? You know, what was going to be different? Was I going to start this and then quit it? Like I quit everything from the base in the sixth grade to my bartending job in the city to my cook job, to my dishwashing job, to my fucking pipe job, to my fucking sparkling job. I mean, I quit every job.

What was it going to be like? I was like, huh, am I going to fucking ask now? And you actually like consciously thought, I can't quit it. I don't want to quit this. No, I didn't even, I had a wife. I had a kid, you know, I was on probation. I didn't want to, my in-laws had given me this job

to teach me how to roof. You know, I worked harder than everybody else. I mean, let me tell you something. When family gives me a job, I never wanted them to say, well, your brother was lazy. So I worked harder than everybody else. I was the first one on the job site and the last one to leave.

Somebody had to do something on a Sunday. I got in the truck and did it just so nobody could ever talk bad about me on that job site. So what time did you get out of the comedy club though? Cause you said you were waking up at 5.30. So you got like three hours of sleep a night. I'm telling you, Lee, you think I'm kidding you. And the two nights I didn't have sleep, I'd snore coke.

So there was no sleep in my fucking house. There was no fucking sleep. What's sleep? Jesus Christ, that's a crazy way to live. Lee, you're trying to get ahead. What, who gives a fuck about crazy? But at that time, let's go for another one. Oh.

Yeah, it's Thursday. It's Wednesday night. I'm so high already. Who gives a fuck? That's what it's all about. Okay. Let's do it. Here you go.

Let's see if my dad's calling or not. He ain't calling. Yeah, here you go. Here you go. Oh, Jesus Christ. It didn't matter, Lee. It didn't matter. I'll get it.

I was so fucking miserable that I didn't know. I didn't care. I was like, fucking, I'll take a chance with this nonsense. You know, and that was the, and at that time, I was starting to get along with my wife a little bit. She was like, if you do this, I'm going to be so proud of you. And finally they called me.

And they were like, you're on this Tuesday. And I was like, you're fucking shitting me. So I told a couple of people to put myself in the spot. You're following me? I told a few people, so I had to put myself in the spot. People go away, you're performing. I go, I'm not telling you, but I'm going up on stage. And I drove down for comedy works in Denver.

I sat in the audience, man. And then they came and got me and they said, you're up next. And I fucking went up on that stage and I saw those people. And I got a few laughs. I remember like, I got a few laughs. Not what I anticipated. My dream was to go up there and just destroy them.

And people picking me up and just cheering and shitting. Next thing you know, Disney comes over with a fucking deal that's your plan, you know? I remember they used to do a lot of contests in those days. Lot of contests in the fucking early 90s, late 80s. Like bars and clubs would have contests? No, Johnny Walker Redd, all these companies had comedy competitions.

Sure, not Schmitz, the one and I, Bex. Bex had a comedy competition. Johnny Walker Redd had a comedy competition. You know, NBC, the one that Felicia won, had a comedy competition. So a lot of people had comedy competitions in those days. But NBC had one in Boulder one time. You had to go to this place and sign your name

and wait till you're called and go in a room with two people. And I actually thought, Lee, that I was gonna go in there and shun the judges with my brilliant material. And I did two of those. And how long had he been doing comedy? Weeks. Weeks, I ain't gonna lie, nobody. And you were gonna walk in and be like.

Oh yeah, I was gonna walk in there and just razzle them so hard that they were gonna whisk me off to Los Angeles. Give me a show and I'll be living next door to fucking Brad Pitt or something like that. That's what I really thought, Lee. That's how demented I was at that age. And the first time I went into this room,

there was two guys, young guys, like, hey, what's going on? I tried to be cute, let me go for it. And then I fucking just sat there for three minutes and just continually said things to make them hate me more and more and more. When I walked out, they were both pale and they were asking me never, like,

I could see that they were saying never to fucking come back. Just don't, what were you saying? What were you saying to these people? I had no idea, Lee, I was doing Godzilla jokes and Cuban magician jokes. Who fucking knows, Lee? What I know was fucking terrible.

That's all I know was just terrible. And then I went to another one and I ate dick at that one. That was like a fucking popularity, ABC, young comic thing. Were you as confident the second time? You were like, they were stupid last time. This time, I was a little bit fucking dumb. Like I was even more arrogant than I was the first time.

Like I wasn't a bad person. Oh shit, oh shit, is dicky sciatica. I wasn't as bad as, I wasn't, I wasn't, I hadn't improved, that's what you're asking. I hadn't improved and I hadn't even tried to fucking improve. I just went down there with this attitude. Go behind me, dicky sciatica.

I went down there with this fucking attitude that I was the luckiest man in the world. Like I was acting like- Like you were the king. And I went down there and I saw 40 real comics. Like from that night when I had gotten at the comedy works, I had seen 40 guys, but I'll never forget seeing one guy with a black jacket on and a peacock.

And I looked at him and I shit my pants. Like he got in my head. I just went over to the list. I erased my name and I left. And you know guys that that's uncommon. Why do you, you just got too scared? Like why did you leave? The guy with the jacket with the peacock on there,

the NBC peacock, it just gave me, it didn't give me anxiety, it just gave me fear. Like I just shit my fucking pants before I even got to the stage. So you were walking up like I could get a show on NBC. I fucking, I should have a show on NBC. To go, that's for you, my brother. And then you see it and then you just-

Like the whole day I was psyched up. I was psyched up, you know, the week before I had worked on my material, which was garbage. I drove down there. I got a, by that time I was just about to get separated. Fighting all the time. There was just nothing there. There was no communication.

I was going home to hug a baby, take a shower, talk to somebody for two minutes, and we would sleep on opposite sides of the bed. And I'd get up and I'd do it all over again. And then one day I went home and I said, I said something. I go, this is just not working. And I had just gotten a credit card for 10 Gs. Just came in the mail mysteriously.

In those days when you take a student loan out, you get these fucking credit cards. But I get them for 3,000, 4,000, 5,000. I never touch them. I wouldn't put a dime on them. I had one for 500 that I fucked with. I've always been at you, trust me, I'm telling you. And this one comes in with a $10,000 limit.

And this one comes in with a $10,000 limit. And I start talking to my wife at the time. And I go, you know what I need? What the go-go's took? A vacation, you know? Vacation, that's all I ever wanted. Vacation, that's it. I go, let me take a vacation.

So I booked a flight to New York for 10 days. Mistake number one, mistake number one. I didn't know how to travel in those days. I didn't know what I was doing. What do you mean? 10 days. What's rule number one, Lee? What's the rule, I tell you now?

Well, you always say short. Three days before you fucking lose your mind and go, what am I doing with this island? I gotta get the fuck out of here, you know? At least you move around. You go to your friends up there, you come back. You know, after three days, I can't even go home. This time I booked it for 10 days

with a $10,000 credit card. 10 days. I get to the fucking airport. I go to pick up my rental car. It's a big police car. Well, that was big, state trip, a white one. Do I take this for the cost of a fucking compact? Give it to me.

I had conditioning, I CD play. I'm living like a fucking, you know, boots of boots. My intention to go to New York was just to get high and do stand-up comedy. That was it. With $10,000? With $10,000 for 10 days. For 10 days, that's what my plan was.

And I get back and George is all fucked up. He's smoking crack. He's got aluminum foil in his window, Scott's tape. So the daylight don't come in like blade. You know what I'm saying? He's fucking pale. He hasn't seen the sun in weeks. Oh my God.

And I'm like, what's going on? Let's go get a package. And he took me over by Yankee Stadium the first night and he got me like 825s and he was fucked up and we came back and then he disappeared. And I went back to Grandma's and did the coke by myself. It was fucking horrible. So my plan was to go into the city and watch comedy

and maybe sign up for a few open mics. I go into the city, sign up and after 20 minutes go, fuck this, I'm going to get a grandma blown, I'm going home. And that's what I did. I went over to the city six times and didn't get on stage once. But when I was in the city, I saw all these open mics and I started understanding.

Oh. So this is what you guys just don't do this once a week. They're like, no, we go out every night, every night. So you mean I got to do this shit every night? And they're like, yeah, we do it three times a night. Seven nights a week. I go, do you guys get paid? Ah, once in a while we get 20 bucks, 30 bucks.

But what? So wait a second, let's say you got a gig in the Bronx. We take a train, like these guys were like fucking this is nothing. And I'm like, no, I'm not going to a bar in Queens for six bucks and not fucking picking up money. Why? That sounded absurd in my world.

I didn't know about art. I didn't know about hard work. What I just tell you Lee, I thought I was going to go to a radio station and go, hey, Dicky Syat put me up on stage, get 200 people, I'm a star. And that it would get out through the airwaves and then some executive would see me

and move me to Hollywood. And that was it. I didn't know you had to work. Lee, work. Work? Are you fucking crazy? When that guy told me that story about fucking going out every night,

how long you been doing this? Four years. You get paid yet? No, I got a day job. What? What are you fucking stupid? And you do this every night, every night. Get the fuck out of here.

I'm doing blow. I'm not doing this shit. I swear to God. That was the attitude. At that time I had been on stage maybe three or four, three times. I got on stage once a month. And I thought you just got on stage once a monthly

and you picked up $30,000. And if not, a movie director came and talked to you about buying the rights to your life. I thought it was just a fucking, that's it. Just easy. That's it. I didn't know that there was 3,000 stand-up comedians. I thought there was just seven of them.

The ones you see on TV. Richard Pryor, David Brenner, George Carlin, the other skinny black guy from JJ Dynamite, the other skinny black guy from Car Wash, that's it. I didn't know there was 3,000 comedians. But at that time, in 1991, that was a comedy boom. That was a big comedy boom. That was the beginning.

That was right there, the big comedy boom. So I get back from New York. I may be back two weeks. I'm working at Boulder, Toyota now. As a what? Salesman. Okay. Because they went back to New Jersey.

That was the other part of me. I wanted to go back there and see if I wanted to move back there because they were taking the one crew back there. I got the big job back there. Only a little crew was gonna stay back here and do service when you just go to people's rooms and fill the holes and shit like that. So I didn't know what I was gonna do that winter.

I'm like, what the fuck am I gonna do? Do I want to move back to Jersey? That means I would have had to switch to probation and all that shit. So I said, no, no, no, no, no. You guys go do that job during the winter. Those winters are a motherfucker. I'll stay here in Colorado.

I got a job selling cars. I went over to Boulder, Toyota. And I was over at Boulder, Toyota for maybe two weeks. And at that time, I was still curbing cars. Curbing cars is when I buy a car from the Dick's Iat and I sell it to Lee's Iat for $800 more without doing a thing. All in like a day.

All in a day's pay. So I know Lee's Iat. What's your budget, Lee's Iat? Between six and seven, I go look on the book. I know that, you know, I could get one for about 55 if I really worked. You got $7,000, but he wants 65. You don't see the Iat.

I call him, I show up with 5,500 cash. He sells it to me for 5,500. Oh my God. You got $7,000 cash. And then you get 1,500. Even if you drop to 67, I'm making 1,200 for the day. Did you ever have anyone not want to buy the car you brought them?

No, I pretty much had the pre-order already in my mind. Oh, okay. You just gotta move quick. And you got to call people quick. So I was doing that from time to time. I was helping a friend of mine. And then I started doing it. So I would go up to Dick's.

I had to go, Dick, come here for a second. Let me a license. Let's go down to the thing. I'll give you 200 off the top. What are you doing today? Nothing. All right, come on. Let's go pick up 200.

Just put the car in your name for one hour. That's it. You sold the car today. And I give you $2,000. I had, I would find those people all fucking day long that just do the paperwork for me. And I give them $2,000. I still made 800 for the day.

What do I give a fuck? Three days a week, that's 2,400. That nobody knows about. That's a spirit, Jack, you know what I'm saying? 2,400 times fucking three weeks. It's not bad. That's 2,200. Right, wow.

That means you work three weeks and take a week off like a doctor. You backpack and go play with wolves and Indian people. Play the fucking bongos. Is that what you do on your vacation? No, but that's what normal fucking Gentiles would do. You wanna smoke a little tootsie? Absolutely.

Did you eat a star of death? No, not yet. Well, eat a 200. You might as well. Yes, that's what I was hoping. Yeah, he said that you're fucking toots. Just take those, those are like appetizers. I'll give you some of these.

If you don't want the 50s, I just give you some 200s. And this portion of the show is sponsored by Star One Edibles of Death. Stars of Death. These guys have been taking care of me for fucking years. I love, this is one of my favorite all-time fucking edibles right here. Me and Lee cut our teeth on these.

We went into training on force when fucking edibles. 800 milligrams tonight. 800 milligrams tonight, Mr. Sayed. That's how we roll tonight, you know what I'm saying? Somewhere, there's a Jewish holiday going on, somewhere to celebrate. Hey, how's that blue, the blue pot that you have? I saw it, didn't you, I see that the other night

that you had? I mean, it's at the house. I bought a little bit. I still got a little leftover. Yeah, so that's the, I was fucked up Lee for a long fucking time, man. That, and I got home. I get back from New York.

I get that job at Boulder Toyota. I'm curbing. I'm curbing, I'm gunning, I'm gunning. You know, there's some days, Lee Sayed, that guess what? I got two cars on hold. And I got a motherfucker that's got 8,000 cash. And I just went and got this guy to give me his car for 52.

Oh, sure. That means I got a $2,800 fucking win on the car's mint. But guess what, Lee Sayed? I only got two G's. Let me get three real quick. You know, you gotta get a cash dude right there. Let me get three for 35. Boom, there we go.

Three for 35, I sold the car and you're still with me. Let's go get lunch and now we're waiting. And it was fucking craziness. But a lot of times somebody already had their five G's out, somebody already had their seven G's out. I was stuck. So what happened one time was this guy said to me, I'll sell you this car.

This was like in September. He goes, I'll sell you this car with a little bit in the bind if I can have the dough in a couple of days. I go, I had credit cards then. I had that one for 10,000 but I had already put like seven on that trip. But this was way before that. Hold on one second.

This was way before that. I couldn't take cash off that car. Cause the wife I was with at that time wouldn't understand. So I had maybe like three G's and cash and I told the guy, hold on to these three G's. That's the deposit on that car. Don't put the car in the paper, don't do nothing.

Give me 10 fucking days. I go home and I'm about to call a buddy of mine in Jersey. And there's a financial aid thing that all I had to do was turn in and they caught you to check on 48 fucking hours. So my plan was to do the deal. 26, 25 is to stand the check they give you, right? 2600 for a student loan. Maybe I don't know what I mean.

Never forget the figure. That's crazy. It was 26, 25. I said, give me the 26, 25, I'll give you the credits. I took the 26, 25, I went, I sold the fucking car. I made, I think even more. It was a two car deal. And what do you think I did?

I went right to the fucking college and I paid the fucking 26, 25. And I paid the extra big boom. It was forgotten about Mr. Sia. Forgotten about in all that New York and all that bullshit. Like the Gentiles they are, they send the receipt and a recap of the loan that my ex-wife sees the fucking thing.

Now listen guys, the marriage was on the rocks at that time. We were all just waiting for something to happen. You know what I'm saying? Like a miracle to happen. And I'll never forget getting home and her asking me, did you take a loan out on my permission? And I said to her, I didn't take, I needed your permission to take a loan out.

This was from my school. She goes, yeah, but you paid, you know, it was a mild argument. It wasn't even an argument. And that's when she said, I think we should separate for a while. I can't deal with this no more. I don't know what's going on in my own, you know,

whatever, and I remember looking at her going, this is sad, but at the same time, fuck cars and shit. I could start coming. I could really go to work. That said, I got rid of this fucking nuisance. The only thing that stopped me at that time, I had no debt, zero debt. I had paid my court.

There was no debt and I had 15 cards with $5,000 on it. I could sit at home for a fucking year and scratch my fucking nuts. What I had to do was get rid of this fucking thing. Always, when I came home and she said that to me, that we should separate. I wasn't fucking shocked, guys. I was fucking, I didn't.

A part of me was sad, but the other part of me wanted, something was eating away at me for fucking two fucking years. Eating away at me, eating away at me, eating away at me. It felt like every job I had, I was just, it's weird to describe. Every situation I was in, it was like I was in a bad dream. Like this is gonna go quick. Like I didn't know what the fuck.

I would sit at the house alone. I was snorting coke and doing weird stuff at the house. When I do that shit, it's cause I wasn't fucking right. Like I wasn't right. Thinking back now, I'll never forget when she packed and took off after like a week, man. I felt like I got this love for life again. And I missed the kid and I missed the kid being around.

I knew this was gonna be difficult for everybody, but it was very weird. It was like the weirdest thing. Like I wanted this. And you know, a week later she came and cleaned me out and took all the furniture and left the TV. I still remember laying on the floor with a television, a white rack and a VCR.

That's what she left. And there was nothing in the living room, gentlemen. The dinner, nothing. She took the forks, the knives, the kitchenware, everything was fucking gone. The mustard, the fucking ketchup. That's fucked up. What do you do when you walk into that?

Like what do you think when you walk into that? Do you think you were wronged? When I walked in that day, she had called me and said, I'm going by, I was at work. She called by and said, I'm gonna go by there today and take some stuff. The box spring that belongs to me, the picture that belongs to my mother.

You know, she was like, okay. When I got home, dog shit, taking everything. Everything. Everything. Do you call her? Do you go there? What do you do? You know, at that time, I had been to prison.

I had gotten out, my mother had died. I had lived in four different fucking places. You know, I had left a snow mass over $60,000, $70,000 in debt. God knows her people are looking for me. I left Jersey over 200,000. God knows her people are looking for me. Wait a second.

So here I am in a condo in Boulder, Colorado with no furniture. A TV, a VCR, and a mattress and a box spring. No, I think she took the box spring. It was just a mattress with a sheet, like a fucking animal. I think she left a few towns and she took everything else, guys.

And I sat in this thing for fucking four or five months before I moved that. And all I was doing was staying. I'm like, I really, once she left, I started going out at night. I quit that fucking job being a doorman. And I said, fuck this, I'm going out at night. I'm going for it.

And I would go to places I'd watch and I'd leave. You wouldn't ever go out? Nope. For how long? Three or four months. I would go to certain places and go up on stage because it's like jiu-jitsu in the beginning. Why would you want to go do something

if you're going to eat dick? So I would get to a place, look at the audience and go, I'm not going up there. They were not going to like me. And I'd just get in the car and fucking do 90 the way home and then feel bad the next day. I can't lie and know, but I'd feel fucking horrible. Why would I do something like that to myself?

Who would act like that, like that? Who acts like that? Especially week after week, from three or four months, that's kind of- I would go to poetry night to give myself a breather just to come to terms with myself. I would go to poetry night and boulder and sneak up there. And through six minutes,

till they threw me off of just dirty, uncensored garbage, not structured. And that was the deal I caught with myself. For me going all the way to this place and Denver and not getting on stage, I'm gonna force myself to go to the open poetry reading at 11 o'clock on a Friday and Saturday night, which is filled with losers, okay?

Nobody goes to a poetry reading at 11 o'clock on a Friday night. If you're not getting your dick sucked and you listen to the poetry, you're going the wrong fucking direction, all right? Especially at 11 o'clock at night till two in the morning, you're gonna be listening to fucking poetry. It's ugly people and people nobody wants around.

They got ADD, they've been hitting the head with a safe. Something, that's who's had a fucking poetry reading at 11 o'clock and I'm telling you mildly. Think about it, anybody with any sense, I don't care how much you love the arts. You wanna speak poetry, invite me over on Sunday with some wine and cheese, you know, four in the afternoon on Sunday, two on Saturday.

I don't wanna come over y'all, so 11 a.m. to hear you read fucking poetry. I don't care if Jesus fucking wrote it with blood. What would you have done if a girl asked you to go to like a poetry reading? Get the fuck in those days, get the lead. I never even thought of these things in my world. I never even concepted this shit in my world, man.

I just wanted to do stand up or I thought I did. At that time, it was just a mind fuck. It was just what I was telling myself to stop me from doing something productive. What am I gonna become an electrician for? I'm gonna do stand up comedy. What am I gonna read that book for? I'm gonna do stand up comedy.

What am I gonna fucking work for you for for a week? I'm gonna be a comedian in two weeks, you know? I mean, that was the, that's fucking crazy. And making a living as a comedian. Oh yeah, oh please, I had it all fucking, I had the, I'm telling you, my plan was to go somewhere, get on stage, somebody see me and wish me to Hollywood to live with Eddie Murphy for a month

and teach him about comedy. Like I was gonna come tell people here. That's why when I see it, I notice it. As soon as I go to a meeting or somebody wants to meet with me and they start talking and I see that cockiness, I go, ah, that was me 20 years ago. I really thought I was gonna make a movie with Mickey Rourke after my eighth stand up comedy.

You know what I'm saying? I had this fucking delusion that, it's crazy, Dick Sian, it's fucking crazy. Let me do some shout outs here real quick. Lee, you all right? You're looking around like yo, mo, mo, up. Arnold Medine, I love you, cock sucker. Margaret Oliver, talking layer, always giving advice

and fucking watching the Zane Decker. D in Colorado, Tommy P, Alexander Voight, Chad Reza and Dan Ouellette. I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget, St. Louis, helium tomorrow night, Friday night and Saturday night, two shows. My 53rd birthday in Vegas, February 19th and 20th and 224th, the comedy store in the main room

on a Wednesday, tickets are available. What's happening, Doug? I was just thinking too bad we couldn't be together on our birthdays, I'm the 18th, I'm the day before you. Dicky Sian, how old are you gonna be this year? 63. God bless you, you're looking slinging dick in Florida, getting chlamydia.

When are you coming back to Florida, West Palm? I don't know, I haven't heard of Florida day yet. You know, there's not enough weeks for all these fucking cities, I'm running out of weeks. I'm even going to San Francisco, I'm trying to go in December, like that Christmas after Christmas people get crazy those two days, I'm trying to pull shit out of my ass, you know.

Have you watched a Godfather epic? I just watched one on the plane today, the first step, I have them on my iPad. I just watched the Godfather today. Well, HBO, I don't know if they bought their rights or whatever, they put one and two together and took not the missing scenes that were in the 25th anniversary, but even deeper missing scenes.

And they put them together and it came on a couple of weeks ago, but it was on tonight. It came on at two o'clock, you know what time it ends Lee? What time? No five. It's a seven, six hour fucking movie. Two o'clock, it's about the Godfather. Oh, geez, we saw that, yeah, yeah, sorry.

But they put one and two together and all the parts they had taken out. And it is so interesting that what they took out was such a big part of the movie. They took out scenes that showed conflict between the son and the father. Little things that he would say. At the wedding, he didn't talk to him too much.

He wouldn't take the picture without Michael. But then at the wedding, he wouldn't talk to him. But then there's a scene at the wedding when Sinatra comes in and he tells him, you gotta act like a man and all that shit. Yeah. That's, it's crazy that those little things will change a movie.

So, but here's the beauty of it. Right after that, that Sinatra goes to eat. The other guy comes in and he goes, oh, man, Jenkel's on his deathbed. He's the concierge of the family. We gotta go say our goodbyes. And he goes, round up Michael and Fredo. Look at my boy, we're gonna be taking him to,

you're gonna be breaking into Stout Burger. We're gonna be putting the burglar mask on my boy tonight and making him go in there and rob the fucking joint. No. So, he goes to the, they show him in the room and he goes, get my boys ready, get the car ready. Let's go to the hospital and say goodbye to Jenkel. What a great scene.

And you see the boys walking like two, one and another one and all of a sudden, Vito's there and Michael stops and Vito walks up to him and he goes, did your white girlfriend get her right home? And already he's upset. He goes, what are those metals for? They're saving strangers and he walks away from them and Vito goes up to him and says, hey, Michael, come on.

You know, I love you and I care for you. I already have a future for you. And he's like, you got a future for me? You know, right away. And he goes in and there's his old man on the bed. He's gotta be 80, he's all fucked up. And he sees sweat and shit. And he sees Vito and Vito says, oh man, Jenkel,

my trust is constantly, and he goes, Godfather, I'm happy you're here, stay here. So when the grim reaper shows up and he sees you, you will scare him. I mean, it's a fucking powerful fucking scene. Fuck. Fuck, yeah. Wait, say that again.

So he says to him, Godfather, stay here. So when the grim reaper comes and he sees you, he'll be scared and he'll fucking leave. It's fucking strong. I mean, this whole, you know, there's a lot more parallels with him and the father. Like, it's too long to watch. So what I did today was at four o'clock,

I always watched the first 10 minutes of the news. So I put the news on, that's when I realized it was on, February 3rd, and boom, I fucking... Recorded it. No, I didn't record it. I put on the thing and it was the hotel, which is one of my favorite. Like, if I was gonna be an actor,

like if somebody came to me and said, I really wanna be an actor, Joey, what do I do? I go first of all, watch the Godfather, but focus on the hotel scene when the guy says, you know, in my neighborhood, we sell it, but we control it. We keep it in the dark areas.

They're animals anyway, let them lose their souls. Right after that dude says that line, he gets up. He starts talking to the guy and he starts talking about revenge. Will revenge bring back your son? Will he bring back my son? And he has a pen in his hand. He has a pen in his hand.

I'm gonna give you one of these as a consolation prize, but come on, the showman. It's on the flight back. You can blow these right now. Absolutely. You can blow right now. You know today, today I so wanted to go into the bathroom on the plane.

I flew in today and I had knee cigarette and I wanted to just take a couple of hits and that, but I saw you, I heard your story. We'll give you another one to take home. Look at you. Let's say you smoke a few hits, Mrs. Sayah. Look at you, you fucking Ani Mali, like a doctor. Oh yeah, you'll be back at the fucking cactus tonight.

Get the, what was he getting? What are you gonna get him for that at the cactus? He got tacos today, so. What are you gonna get him at the cactus? You gotta go back. Who gives a fuck? He's gonna eat tacos again. He gives a fuck.

You think he's gonna give a fuck? Well, I don't want tacos. We had them for lunch. Listen, this is LA. It's 1030. You know what you're getting? Fucking tacos, okay? From the cactus to Chicharon tacos.

Actually, you go get him. Get him like three with a diet coke. It's all over after this fucking beat. We're giving him this emotional beat. Did you say onion rings too, or no? No, onion rings are the taco place. But when he takes you to Stout, where he was supposed to take you tonight, he felt that.

No, we didn't have time. We didn't have time. Listen, he's never got time. He's got more stories in the book he had time. He knows, he wants to go there and eat two burgers. Watch them when you see him there. Oh, they're so good. He changes, he slouches.

He gets all paranoid. Like the Russians are coming and shit. Because you always grab for stuff first. You go, what? You always go for stuff first, I gotta make sure. What stuff? The mozzarella fries. Oh, no, no, the food is delicious there.

He killed the mozzarella fries last time. Two orders by himself. No, I did not. Him and fucking the other gargoyle. Johnny Rock? Johnny Rock and my wife. I just go for the cheeseburger. I think it's one of the best burgers I've tasted

in a long time. And the guy at the Charlotte Comedy Zone said there's a place in Orange County that makes the best burgers I've ever had. I have no fuck, I'm not driving to Orange County. What's the matter, Lee? You just saw the devil there. Yeah, a little bit.

A little bit. That's cool. I just saw that, I just saw that, Mrs. Society. I saw the devil. The devil sat right next to me, even had to shake him off, like shake him up, shake him up, shake him up, shake him. Oh my God, Lee.

I had so many problems at stand-up. I wanted people to know that, that it wasn't like, this was all in a three-year process. In three years, honest, I probably got on stage 30 times. Like I was, remember when I worked at the broker, I got on stage every Tuesday. That was four times a month.

In my world, that was good enough. And maybe, maybe once a month on Saturdays, I would drive all the way out, all the way out an hour to an open mic that started at 11 and the guy would put me up at 1230 and I would die. Every time I went down there, I would just die. I thought I was cute and I'd go up there with a suit and do stupid fucking jokes.

And there were, every time I'm like, one of these people in the throw fucking rocks at me, dog. It was crazy, I can't believe I stuck with it because it was terrible guys. Then there was a white dude named Bill Bauer. And Bill, Bill Bauer, there was two of them. There was Wild Bill Bauer, who was really a comedian. Then there was Bill Bauer who worked at a motorcycle shop.

And- Were they two people or one person? There were two different people. Okay, sounds like a good one. Regular Bill, and regular Bill Bauer was a great white dude. He was like, if you see American, this guy was really a great white dude. And from the first time he saw me, he gave me a gig.

Like two nights later in Greeley at the Denver's training camp. You know, he just liked something about me. And then he would, he booked a room on Thursdays in Greeley. As soon as you drive into Greeley, it smells like shit. You never smelled anything like that, like the cattle in those days, whatever was there, and something that smells really bad.

So he would send me to Greeley as a feature twice a month. So I would do four, two, and one. I would do seven sets a month. I'd do seven sets a week now. You know what I'm saying? I used to do 12 to 13. So for three years, I did seven sets. Because remember, I was at the broker from,

I was at the broker from December of 92, January of 92. And did you think you were working hard when you were doing seven sets a month? I didn't know better. I wasn't committedly. I was not committed. Sometimes we do things, but we're not committed. We're just doing them until something weird happens.

I'll do it a little more when something happens. You know, I didn't have any relationships with the guys at the comedy works, because I didn't go down there. I wasn't involved. I stayed in Boulder. You know, why go into those places? I just didn't bother.

So when you don't make friends with those people, you're not gonna get committedly. It's that simple. You know, it's like I told you, my friend came down here with his daughter and I explained to her, you learn acting, watching a fucking movie. Once you do a few scenes back and forth

and you get the concept that was going on, and I could explain it to a fucking tart, like I could explain it to somebody who's fucking pathetically dumb, because I'm dumb. Once you explain that concept, you're off and running. I don't need to see you three days a week to do breathing and to make you fucking do.

About eight classes and whatever else they make, you're fucking doing. You're following me, you could work. These guys you see on TV, ain't no better than nobody. Half of them didn't even take fucking acting classes, brother. Half of them didn't. Half of them went to a man and decided

that buddy cast something. You guys would be fucking surprised. You know, very seldom. All those dudes that really took acting wanna do fucking film. You know, the John, the Turos, people like that, they focus on film. They got all those character actors,

like now he's doing TV because it's dried up. But even Patrick Kelly, the guy that played like Luther in 48 hours and he was in a bunch of fucking movies. He wouldn't do TV for years. But you don't need to act 20, you know, would stand up. You really gotta fucking commit to this fucking thing. Was TV paying as well back then? Cause it's crazy to imagine saying no to that much money.

But who? Like when the people were saying, I don't wanna do TV, the film actors. Were they paying? Was TV paying 30,000 in episode? Oh fuck yeah. So yeah, that's crazy to throw that much money away. Fuck yeah, but they were also paying on those movies too.

Yeah, but you can't always be doing a movie, can you? And yeah, if you're a good character actor, you could go from movie to movie to movie. I mean, that's fine. Listen Lee, when you're hot, they wanna do business with you. And now you go from project to project to project to project. The dude I did grudge match with,

that played the narrow son, he hasn't stopped working. He was on Walking Dead. That, he did the movie by Germany with Brad Pitt in the fucking tank. Now they just put game in another role in the series. He was good in that. Sure, he's good in everything he does. That guy's classically trained in New York City

or wherever the fuck he's from, Detroit, wherever he's from Baltimore, he's classically trained. Like he trained doing something. If you started getting a lot of roles, would you do that? Like do it as it like over and over again? Yeah, absolutely. Who wouldn't wanna?

I mean, listen, it's fucked up to say this. That shit gets fucking old too. And everything gets old when you have the freedom that stand up has. Sometimes I got a little aggravated with stand up when I go. There's nobody behind me. There's no punch clock.

There's no fucking nothing. There's no nothing. What am I mad about? That's gotta be the best feeling in the world. There's nobody here with me. I either get on this plane or I don't. I either cancel or I don't. I either upgrade or I don't, you know, I don't.

I just don't, you know what I'm saying? Like who's better than that? I mean, I never thought that I would be fucking flying out in the middle of the night, like a thief to St. Louis. Never in my wildest dreams, Lee. I was just killing time. And then I got fired from the broker.

Me and the manager from the broker didn't really get along. He was a bar guy. The guy that was at the bar for the long time quit. So he was from the outside bar and he came in. It's like putting a fucking Christian in a bar. You know, the guy that was a bar manager he understood the barbless. He had been in the barbless for 20 years.

He had run like a music thing in New York. The guy was cool. He was a Texan guy. I became friends with him, but another opportunity came up and he left. So instead of him replacing this guy with a real bar guy like seven nights a week where people hang out and drink and do blow,

they replaced him with Johnny Christian. He hated working Tuesday nights. He had kids. So he hated counting. So every fucking Tuesday he made complaints. You know, you guys gotta get off by 1030. You know, you're comping too many fucking drinks. And he just kept torturing me and torturing me

and torturing me till one night I told him to fuck off. He said, don't come back. And then I was stuck. And I just was like, what the fuck am I gonna do? So I got on a plane and I went to New York for nine months. And even there, I'm gonna get on stage. I went on stage for maybe fucking 10 times in nine months. But I realized the work that I had to go into

and what I had to do. So I made a deal with myself and went to fucking Colorado. And that's how this evolved. That's crazy. I was scared for three or four years, guys. So was this like the time period that you were like losing all of your possessions?

Like I was just thinking about, you moving around a lot. You can't carry all that stuff. I had nothing. Like that must be crazy just to have a whole life in like what? I had nothing. I had nothing. I went from, to do that life, what can you have?

A couple tons of clothes? Really, or I had tons of clothes. Yeah. I'm talking about to do the life that committed to comedy or plumbing or whatever. What more do you need? You know what I'm saying? Like if somebody's giving you the opportunity

to learn a trade, for example. If I say to you, Lee, I just got the fucking contract to build 102 fucking, what do you call those homes? Are they the same? The mansions? No, on the fucking property. You know what I'm talking about? You're right.

Whether they were in the tracks. Three bedroom, cookie cutter. Got the same house. Right. Lee, we're gonna build 102 of those things. It's gonna take us three years. You know how to build? Not really.

You do you? No. You know how to saw? No. All right, so you're gonna start picking up trash, but I'm gonna tell you what. At the end of the three years, if you want to, you're gonna start at 10, 50 an hour union wages.

And when you quit, I guarantee you, when this job ends, because it's slated for three years, that really means four years. When this job ends, you're gonna be making $32,000 as a union carpenter. You're 25 years old. Does this seem like something you wanna do or do you wanna go to the main every weekend

and party with your retarded friends? What do you wanna do? Now listen, another thing, Lee. I know you live at home with your mom. You just got your degree. I mean, a lot of good is doing you. You're working at fucking Red Lobster. What's the name of the place?

Sea Lobster, okay? Leave the sea food. So do you wanna work with me? But if you work, I want you to know something. We work 724. I don't know nothing about this. This is a project we're trying to make money in. You're gonna start at 1050.

After 90 days, you're going up to the union. You're gonna make 1875. It's gonna cost you $500 for the book, but I'm gonna pay for it out of my pocket. But understand, at the end of this job, you're gonna make $32. You're gonna go on to be a fucking great carpenter. How old are you now, 22?

You're out of college at 26. You're gonna be making $32 now. Does this seem like something you wanna do? As soon as I tell Lee or any other kid, at 26, that's gonna take four years. Every sense shuts down. Like, as a 26 year old, four years. For fucking years.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second, wait a second. So it's gonna take me four years. How about three weeks? Like, that's what I wanted. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's what I wanted. Your counteroffer was like. Yeah, like, instead of four years, how about three weeks?

Because I can pick this up in three. And people look at you like, and you know what, in reality, for that job, after you do two or three houses, you really get good at it. It's just repetitive after that. It's the same piece of wood in the same place, the same measurement, the same cut, the same wall.

After the same one, you're gonna get really good. And your labor's gonna get better, you're gonna move faster. But that doesn't mean you're gonna be a great carpenter because you're doing the same fucking work over and over again, which is the same fucking shit. My point being that, those four fucking years, I could never even consider doing it.

Like, I could never consider going out seven nights a week and doing stand-up comedy. And now I look at it and go, if I had to do it, it wouldn't kill me because I'd be local. I'd be at Flappers, haha, the comedy's throwing the laugh factor. That's like stealing. That's like stealing.

If I had to go out every night of the week, I could, I could juggle that. That's easy. But you saw it back then that it was impossible. Impossible. In fucking possible, my friend. Because of time, because of what? Commitment, fucking commitment and fear.

The fear to commit to something. The fear to commit in my world in those days of 26th. By this time, I'm fucking 30. I already got, I already went to prison. I already got out of jail. I already devoured a fucking marriage. And now I'm about to go into the battle of my fucking life, the battle royale with this bitch, and I don't know it.

Plus, I'm gonna go into the biggest battle of my life, deciding what the fuck I'm gonna do. Now I'm single, I got the world by the balls. I've gotten everything behind me. What do I really wanna fucking do? See, that's when I started getting happy again. Right there was when my happiness started coming back. I'm like, wait a second.

I don't have to work on a roof anymore. I don't have to do dick. All I have to do is mail this woman $350 a month. And that's it. By this time, the credit cards were gone. I couldn't pick up a phone. I couldn't even pick up a fake payphone. If I picked up a payphone, put a quarter of it in dialed,

when I put it, it would ring to a credit agency. No. Yes, it did. They were looking for me everywhere, Lee. For a year, I just did blow eight pussy and did one spot a week and did fucking drugs for a year. I don't know how I paid rent. I don't know how I did it.

And I went out five nights a week in those days. I would love to know how you paid rent. I would eat valium. I would sell valiums. I was selling valiums. I was eating valiums. I was eating pussy. I was drinking four or five nights a week.

I was snorting fucking coke four or five nights a week. I finally got that job of selling neon. That brought me back. You know what I'm saying? I was selling neon, but that was a piece of cake for a gal. I mean, going to a mall, drop off 60 flyers. The percentage is three people gonna call you

for a closed sign and one open sign. It's not a bad game. It wasn't a bad game. It's all about percentages. And then you just gotta fucking close them with the percentage. If you put 100 flyers out there, seven people gonna contact you, maybe five. Guess what?

Maybe five won't even contact you, but guess what happened? You put that second 100 flyers down, then 15 people contacted. It's fucking crazy. It's the effort talks of it. I see where it's at. I tell you what, man, I had a great day today.

I had a great week this week. You know, when I get in from a town on Sunday and I gotta go out again or anytime, I got a notebook that says Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I take Thursday through Sunday and I put that fucking greater than sign. And that means I'm on the road

and I take the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and I put, you know, BJJ, I put kettlebells at 11, I put BJJ, I put podcast, podcast. And then on top, I put things I gotta do. I gotta get blood. I gotta call Gordon. I gotta call this fucking Jamoc. I gotta call this MOOC.

I gotta call this guy and I write them all down. And as the week goes, I just click, you know what I'm saying? And my goal is, when I'm done pretty much Wednesday night, look at that notebook and there's a check next to everything. And sometimes you miss a check because you get an audition or you get, you know, there's a lot of shit you gotta add in. You know, last night on paper, I was doing nothing.

This morning I had to run to do voiceover auditions. You following me? So who's better than Uncle Joe? Dicky Syacna house and shit. Lee's tip top, he's in shape, he's out there banging it. Oh yeah. Doing seminars, putting the podcast gift on the world. He's going to Dubai to work with some Arabs.

Did they tell you about that? Yes, he did. Fuck yeah. They're gonna send him a plane ticket. He's gonna go to Dubai and start a fucking podcast for Arabian princes that wanna sling Dick. And wanna do podcasts on slinging Dick and talk about how much money they got.

Lee, who's better than you, Lee? You're gonna go to Abu Dhabi. They're gonna fly you out first class. They're picking you up with a limo on top of a fucking camel. So nothing happens to you, you know what I'm saying? You ever see that? Did you request that in your reader?

I didn't have to go back and check. You gotta go check that. You want a limo on top of a fucking camel. Is it a double camel or? That's double. You don't give a fuck. It's like a midget camel. It was fucked up.

They cut its leg off and they put roller skates. They put you on ladders and they you go on one side and your bodyguard goes in the other and they take you to the fucking thing, Lee Syacna. You're gonna have a good time in Dubai. I'm gonna miss you guys. It's weird how your days go from zero to 100 real quick. No, it's fucked up how your days, I get into a habit.

I love this habit. I had to do radio last week. I had to do radio that were picking me up at 7.45, which is basically 4.45 LA time when you really come to think about it. I did the gig Thursday night and I set the alarm for, I don't know, 7.45, I set the alarm for six. People go, why would you set the alarm for six?

It's an hour and 45 minutes. What the fuck is it that you do? And I ended up waking up at 4.30 in the morning by myself. I make a pot of coffee. I get a pen, I turn the TV off. Nothing gets turned on. Nothing. Silence.

Even the cats look at me when I'm home. I play 10 minutes, the cats look at me like, what the fuck, dude, do something. You're not putting the music on, you're not writing. That's why I make myself sit in this silence. Look at Liam. The way he is right now. What are you hearing right now?

Pilot the Bombardier. That is exactly what I'm hearing right now, oh my God. That's good, Lee, you needed that. You were off training for a couple of days. Off training, I did six hours and 4,500. When did you do 4,500? Every time. When?

Monday, wait, yeah. How many times are you gonna confirm shit these people? These people confirm shit more than anything in the world. So I wake up this morning and I do my regular stuff there. What the fuck, I hate this goddamn song. You are getting sleepy. This is the new evolution of the future. We are one.

Either you surrender or we will come and get you because that is the order of orders. Turn off your TVs, run for your lives, it's over. It ain't over, do I say it's over, god damn it. That's a great bedtime story. Which one, that one? Yeah, that story right there. It's over till it's over.

Yeah. So it's just weird, this society, after the last two or three, like for, yeah, five, I've always been getting up at 4.45 and busting a notebook out. But for two or three years, I put music on. And I put earphones down so nobody could hear me. And I'd be smoking pot and smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee.

Perfect. This, I figured, let me just turn everything off and I wanna see what my mind is fucking feeling. I really wanna see just my mind is feeling. Like I've never, I just started doing this. And I got the idea from somebody said that Denzel Washington would make himself go through every emotion in the mornings. He would force himself.

And I don't know how fucking unique is that to force yourself, who fucking lives like that? You got time to force yourself to go through every emotion in the morning. You know what I'm saying? Like I go through two emotions, fear and I got a shit. Those are the two emotions. And I'm hungry.

And I'm fucking hungry after that. And then you go in the shower and you balance it out. But this is completely different. This is just to get up, silence. Sit there with a piece of paper and a pen and just see what's coming out. And it takes about 15 minutes for you to wake up and get out of the fuzz.

And by that time, I'm already drinking a water taking my thyroid pill. And I start banging out the coffee. 20 minutes in, I go outside and I hit the pipe two or three times just to let them know I'm fucking dead. In New Periscope? No, no, no. Oh, not yet?

No, no, no, no. There's no electronics. Yes, but at eight o'clock though. It's not eight o'clock. Oh, what time is it? It's 4.45 in the morning. Okay, good. I lost track of this time.

I go out there and it's dark. It's me and the possum. He looks up at me with his blue little fucking eyes. I hit the pipe two or three times and it just exhilarates me. Then I sit down and I finish that coffee. The coffee makes it really hot. And I sit down and I finish the fucking coffee.

In about 45 minutes in, my pen starts writing. In years ago, there was the something's way, the writer's way or something. And they said to get up in the morning and just to dabble. You don't get an notebook and write. I tried that and it was just a waste of a treat. I don't want to do that. I want to get it out emotionally on my own

and work it out. And I had to tell you what happened. Fucking 35 minutes, 45 minutes in. I remember what day it was. What is it? It's February 3rd. So I called the little Loops. He didn't answer and I left him a message.

I told him I loved him. Happy birthday to my brother. It's your 50th birthday. And then it was my daughter's birthday. And I got to tell you something. For the last 20 years on her birthday, I feel terrible about doing stand-up comedy because I had a choice.

I had a choice to be a father and fight for what was mine. And I don't know, kind of choose a different path or I had to choose this path. I chose this path and now I don't have my daughter. So I was very, for fucking 30 minutes. My wife doesn't get up till seven. So from five, 20 to about six, 20, bro.

I sat there, not angry, but I was preparing the speech. I was gonna call him and tell him today. Like I go, this is what I need to do. Just to feel better today. I'm gonna fucking write a speech out and call him and stick to that speech. Don't deteriorate from that speech. Don't curse because then she could call the police

and don't threaten it. Just explain to her how I feel, you know? And it was something like, you know, just tell her happy birthday. I called you a year ago and you didn't fucking ever tell her. You know, she's not prepared to call me back. So, you know, I just want you to know that,

you know, I can't believe that you would do something like this, you know, to somebody. You know, because the whole time I was the fucking criminal but that you can even sleep at night knowing that you changed somebody's idea of love towards somebody else. I've done a lot of creepy things but I would never change somebody's doubt

on somebody, on somebody else, you know? Just the thought that you live like that, you know? And someday I'm gonna get the creepiness to hire a public investigator and to look for certain things that I still remember and then to get those in a report and to some way get them to my daughter so she could read the truth, you know?

And then hopefully she could figure out the two and two of this story and now you'll see what it feels like to live how I've lived for 20 years, for some child that doesn't know you, to now know you but not know you, you know? Because at the end of the day, she's just a fucking liar, you know what I'm saying?

Like, but she parades herself as a normal human being. You follow me? I put my heart out in this podcast. Everybody knows every fucking dime I've stolen, I got nothing to hide here. She would never do anything like that because in her world she didn't do anything wrong. Lisa Yat, you are fucked up, Jack!

Yes, I am. Deep into the murky waters of the underworld and you wanna smoke some more reefer to balance you out? No. You want the vapor pen to balance you out? No. Why not? Anyway, so that's how I felt this morning.

Oh my God, till my wife woke up and I didn't say nothing to my wife, I wouldn't have the balls to say anything to my wife about calling this dirty bitch and going off mouth, not raising my voice and not getting inside it. So from eight to nine I put myself in a better mood and I said I'm gonna call her after I go and take her to school.

After I get back from the mercy, I'm gonna go on a walk. My wife goes to yoga, I'm gonna call her and say what I have in my piece and I'll feel better. And I started thinking about it and I said what would me calling her and giving her my game plan, how better would that help me? Me calling her names, how old am I now, you know? And also my phone rang for something

and I got amused on the phone and then I had to go meet somebody and then I went to Jiu Jitsu and then I had to go for a voiceover and then I emailed somebody and now it's nine o'clock, I didn't call them and I feel fucking tremendous that I didn't because what the fuck is the difference? I got a wife, I got a kid, I got you,

I got this fucking Jamocco, I love like a son, look at the shape I'm doing. And that's basically, let's read some fucking sponsors and let's wrap this motherfucker up till Monday. That was a good podcast, Lee, thank you for asking questions and shit. Sometimes you gotta talk about this shit because people, when I do comedy now,

last night I did the laugh factory and I was standing and some comment came over and said to me, you give me advice. You know, and he asked me if I was scared and he goes, it looks like you've never been scared and that really bothered me because my fear should come through my stand up. You know what I'm saying?

That's what my stand up is, it's based off, that's why I go so fast and I yell and get fucking excited. You don't yell if you're normal, you yell if you're scared, right? When you go to a horror movie, the girl goes, ah, right? I never thought about it like that. I guess everyone else, you come off as aggressive.

It's run by fear, it's a fear if you listen to it. And what do you, I understand what you mean by that. You have some fear like sexually, I guess. I have fears of every week. Listen to me, I break your balls because if it wasn't for any of this shit, I wouldn't leave the fucking house. I get food delivered, I wouldn't let some hit me.

I'd wear a cape with 20 fucking shoes all day yellow orders of fucking, you know, Mexicans in my yard. I'd do the same shit as you did, you know what I'm saying? It'd be the best life. What do you got planned with the old man while you're here? We're gonna go get dumplings again with Paul. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, he won't stop with those dumplings.

Have you had those yet? No, I read the report. I read the hospital report. I say, okay, anyway, dumplings, a comedy show on Friday. What comedy show are you taking? That, I don't know. I don't know if we're gonna do it on Friday, but we'll go one point down the week.

And then we'll go see some movies. Yeah, we're gonna see Paula and Paul. Which one are you gonna take him to see? I don't know, he's seen everything, so I have to find something. Did you see Relevant? Revolent, is it the Revolent? Yeah, Revolent, yes.

Did you enjoy it? It was an excellent movie. The effects were fantastic. That fucking bear breathes into the fucking god of the camera. Right. What does it do to you? I think, you know, I left there thinking,

ah, this may not be an Academy Award fucking movie. But, today I saw him with the stick and some hat, and I'm like, you know what? It wasn't a bad movie, it was a great movie. I thought it was a great movie. Should he win the Academy Award? I'm not sure yet, I don't know. Listen, let me tell you something.

That English dude that puts the wig on, he's a fucking lock. Ain't nobody beating that motherfucker. Daniel's sister, what's the name of that movie? The fucking chick sister, the guy that fucking puts the wig on, that movie with the English actor, nobody fucking knows now.

How the hell do you do this? I have no idea what you're talking about. You don't know what I'm talking about? No, Mr. Zaya. No, I don't. There's a movie out right now with that fucking English kid that everybody loves. You got Nature Box over there?

Yeah. Thank you, my brother. You over there holding out, you see I'm looking for shit like a pirate. I'm over here looking at this treasure, and nobody says who gots to me and shit. Thank you, what is this? Oh, thank you, Zaya.

You're a good man. No, I thought it was a good movie. There was one of the few movies that held me. My wife fell asleep for about four minutes, but it held me. I like all that Indian shit, killing white people. I fucking love it.

White people killing Indians. Before I went, a couple of people told me they warned me that we thought it was a little graphic. I was thinking about it during the movie, how I wish I fucking hit them in the head with a fucking stick or something crazy like that. The movie was a good movie. It had its moments that I passed out and nothing.

No, my wife kept looking at me all wheel. Like, are you okay? What do you mean, am I okay? Have you passed out in movies before? Pulp Fiction. Oh, when they stabbed them in the heart? Tremendously passed out. 1994, fucking passed out like a mother fucker.

They had to put chocolate in my mouth to fucking wake me up. They had to prop me up in the fucking chair. What do you think when you saw the stab in the heart? Like, what went through your mind? Who? Stabbing who? With the needle.

Like, why did you pass out? That's when I passed out. Yeah, do you remember what you were thinking? Well, it was the, I don't know when it was. It was before June of 95. I know that. And I went to watch it with a bunch of, I used to hang out at this place where I used to eat for free.

I was a fucking bum and they would give me free chicken cutlets and free sandwiches and all the mistakes that I could eat at this place called the deli zone. And I would hang out with these guys. They were from Long Island, Alex J. Kyle, this other muscle kid, and they were great because this is bolder to land the piece. And during a busy fucking Tuesday,

these guys got from behind the counter and had a classic New York's to these fist fight. So that's what brought the place notoriety, notoriety. People started going down and hoping these two clowns were getting through a fist fight every day. The place would be packed, packedly used fresh chicken cutlets, they deep fry them, and put them on Italian bread with mayonnaise

and salt and pepper and tomato and lettuce and onion if you wanted. Oh my God, with Swiss cheese and melted. How much did they cost? Who the fuck knows? What do you think? I remember what they cost. I ate like 80 of them.

Don't you hear me? I will fucking mooch. I was a mooch. They took care of me. I would clean the counter. I would do deliveries. I would help them take garbage out and shit. They knew I was a stand up

and they were trying to help me out, man. Those sounded delicious though. Oh my God, that's a fucking long time ago. But they were great guys. They were great. What was the point of this fucking story, Mr. Say? You've been attention, you was fucking high as I am. You can't ask me that question

after that, the edible and- But you look good, that's all I'm- Is that, I do look good? Tremendous. Oh good, so I can sit back and just- You gonna take them to the commie store Friday night? Sure, yeah. That's the place to go.

Where's he gonna take them? To UCB Theater to watch improv and people jump up and down and you got a fake gig. Ah, you know, they all look at you. Ah, ah, ah, my friends came. You take pictures afterwards? No, take them down to the commie store.

I got three of those Cosby pills. Give them one. Maybe we'll eat somebody's asshole. What do you think, Mr. Say? I will let you loose up in LA with one of those Persian women. You go home with some chlamydia and a weird mustache. Yeah, I can stay an extra week.

Sure, what the fuck? You stay on these cards. You love that. He always says, I hope my dad just stays. He fucking gotta go back to Haines and stay. Oh, God. He could just stay with me here in my apartment and hang out. I hear him say that all the time on the podcast.

You gotta hear him. He wants to fucking stay. You and him and Paula can live together and be a happy family and shit. You come home at night, she cooks for the bothies. It's like, what's that show? How about the Mother-in-law? You having James?

Oh, I'm sorry. So I always tell you he should fix you up with the mother, but Leo, he should fix you up with the mother. We're one big happy family. How can he do that? And you move into a nice house in Sherman Oaks, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Or you take everybody down to South Florida with your fucking taking for the Florida experience. Bring them down. How many bedrooms you got down there? Just two. That's perfect. Him and Paula and you and the mother upstairs. She cooks.

You guys wake up for breakfast, eat some webos, those ranchos and shit. Lee boom, boom, sayon, like my little boss. Lee boom, boom, sayon, like my little boss. You actually sing those crazy songs. He called me at six a.m. doing that today. By the way. What song did I call you?

I don't remember what you did, but he called me and something will look like my balls, probably, whatever it is. You don't know what the fuck he's talking about. Nia, do I? It's nine o'clock. The animals kicked in. It's over 800 milligrams a piece.

We broke our own church of what's happening now record. And that's how you do it, people. That's how you bust it open. You just go for it. You attack that motherfucker. Anyway, let me read some sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of your hair. For starters, let's talk about your experience

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to your fucking doorstep. You gotta have a ring so that if somebody steals your snack, you guarantee it's a fucking fat guy with a limb. You understand? Maybe he's got diabetes, they cut off a toe. Fuck that cock sucker. Anyway, I wanna thank Headspace again. I wanna thank my main people at Nature Box

and my family on it. I wanna thank all the shout outs. Don't forget St. Louis tomorrow night, Friday and Saturday, my birthday February 19th and I'm doing a showcase at the comedy store. I need all the local support I can get. 224 on a Wednesday night, eight o'clock show, I'll have you out of there by 10 o'clock, all right?

I wanna thank Onnet, Nature Box, Headspace. I wanna thank my little brother, Lee Sciatic, all his shit for making this motherfucker the best show he can make it. Right around in Dick Sciat. Yeah. Enjoy your fucking stay here. I am. We're gonna throw a little Pink Floyd on the Periscope

now to end this motherfucker. And please check out Life in Neutral. It's a podcast I do with a comedian and a giant rock. You are going to a different dimension now, a dimension of lost. But don't worry, the church or what's happening now will be back Monday night at eight o'clock. Make sure you're here, cock suckers.

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Okay. Go to headspace.com slash joey right now and download the free Headspace app and take their take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation. You're not going to stay in on this program. Yeah, you're just going to sit there. That's what you're telling me.

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