Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #356 - Steve Byrne

Episode Date: February 16, 2016

Steve Byrne, comedian who recently filmed his fourth hour special  and one of the hosts of  "The Gentleman's Dojo" podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off of your first order plus free shipping in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 02/15/2016.


This show is brought to you by Meondies. Go to meondies.com and shipping is always free in the US and Canada and you can save up to $8 a pair with the Meondies subscription plan. Get the subscription or a single pair and get 20% off of your first order when you go to meondies.com slash joey. That's meondies.com slash joey. The show is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients that you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free. Just go to blueapron.com slash joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron.

That's blueapron.com slash joey. And the show is brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alpha Brain and New Mood. What's up gentlemen? Hey, we were talking about how like I look at you sometime ago. I can tell he lived in New York. And you like New York? Did you start there?

Yeah, I started in New York. I worked at Caroline's Comedy Club, sweeping the floors, answering the phones, just first job at a college, just as a shit job to just get through and pay the bills. And I watched everybody. I saw Chappelle, everybody. Everybody was on SNL. Margaret Cho would come in and everybody that was coming in New York City was headlining Caroline's. I saw everybody and I just thought that looks like fucking fun. So that's how I got into it.

Like four months later, I tried to stand up New York. And then as soon as I did it the first time, I said, I'm doing that the rest of my life. It just hooks you. Yeah. It just hooks you. It's just like a silent addiction. Yeah. That you don't really even feel.

And you're like, wait a second. I'm like doing this. And then they tell you about the life that you're about to go with it. That's the scariest when they tell you about the life you're about to go into. Well, do you really know what happens? You're like, fuck yeah, you go on the road, you bang women. You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then you're like, you know what?

I'm still going to go for it. Once you ask and ask and ask. Yeah. Because that's what I did. I worked at a comedy club and I just asked the headliner in the feature and the MC asked them, you know, for eight weeks. I was such a pussy. Yeah.

I would not get on stage. I would ask every new Tuesday. I would become friends with them or bring them weed. What's it like? And, you know, they would tell me, well, you know, it's kind of rough and where, you know, some nights we sleep in our car and, you know, at first you're like, oh, fuck it. I could do it. Fuck the car.

Well, some nights you got a shit. You know, it was just crazy what they would tell me. Yeah. How many people working at comedy clubs do you think want to be comedians? Like the door guys, servers, because I never look at those people and think, oh, those are the next comics. It was a job. People got for a job, but it seems like it's a lot of comics.

I think it's like 70, 30, 70 are there to work. And then 30%, I think, end up becoming entranced or wanting to do it or there to be comics. Like you go to La Jolla. It's like the whole staff is comics. But you go to like, you know, anywhere else in the country, like an improv. I think like the door guys, sometimes the sound guy, they want to do stand up. But most of the waitresses, they're just there to pay their bills. I don't know.

That's what I think. I moved between the podcasts a few weeks ago and I actually went home. I told how I kind of got into it. And I went home and really thought about it. And I went like, tried to find that movie and I couldn't find it. A punchline with Sally Struthers and Tom Hanks. Like I always knew I wanted to do it. But once I saw that movie, that pushed me over.

Yeah. I made some calls and I stalled for a while. Then I saw a stand up class in the paper. And but it was so weird how in Colorado you have. If you live in the Denver Boulder area, listen, the truth is or the man, I'm telling you, this is honest. There's four cold weeks a year, the two weeks before the new year and the first two weeks of January.

After that, you're pretty much done. Those are the only two weeks, four weeks that we would have to cancel work as roofers. When I estimated, I would estimate, but the crews couldn't work. There was either snow or it was windy or as icy or something like that. And I would stay home and write movies. And that was one of the movies. Thank God for that fucking snow storm. You know what I'm saying?

And I watched that movie and it just blew my mind. Like I had never, my mom had a bar, but I had never dreamt of having a locker or the comedy club. Right. Right. Yeah. Did you did you pick that movie for a reason or do you just were like at a video store and I was in a video store.

I was in a video store looking for stand up shows. And I saw that movie about stand up with Tom Hanks. I like Tom Hanks. I picked it up and it blew me away. I mean, Damon Wayans is in it. Angel Salazar is in it. Yeah. Sat Sally.

What's the name? Sally Field. Sally Field is in it. It's just a great flick. You know, the comedy club owner is so cheesy in that. Yeah. You know, it's your night baby. You know what I'm saying?

Remember me 10% like he was trying to be a manager like that. Oh, just, it just really sparks your curiosity like fuck work. Yeah. Fucking sure. Sure. Shit. I pulled out my own tooth last month and shit. I mean, no fucking dentist.

Wow. My God. Just thinking about it gives me, it gives me an old. What was your first time? When did you get up? 1991 at the Denver Comedy Works on a Tuesday. Oh, wow. I mean, what better club than that?

That's a great club. No idea what was going on, Steve Byrne. No idea. I read Judy Carter workbook and I had done the fucking three weeks at the class. Yeah. Did you learn anything from the class? Confidence. Yeah.

The guy pulled me aside and said, you know what, man, if you, you could do this. He was a Long Island guy and no, no, no, no, he was part of an improv troupe. Harms. Jeff Harms. That was this comic's name and he was part of an intro with Matt Woods, Matt Berry. Matt Berry is huge in Hollywood today. If you IMDB Matt Berry, Matt Berry has been here for 20 years, just ripping people's heads off as a showrunner, executive producer.

You know, he's been on TV with 20 different fucking shows. Right. But those guys were the rumors. The rumors were when I was coming up that they had written the act for Roseanne, the one that she brought out here. Right. Denver has always been a den for great writers. They just, they drink whatever.

I don't know what the fuck. One thing for sure, like Roger Wittenhouse and Steve McGrew and all those guys used to live together. Rick Kearns, who is now a huge writer for Ron White and those guys, you know, I mean, he, how many shows has he been on? He's been on a bunch, but nothing. It wasn't like a lot of, I don't think they maybe put stand up stuff on there because I didn't see that on design.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about TV shows that he's executive produced and show run. Matt Berry had like 19 shows. Like I've been through the, I've walked through the, one of the lots when they saw his name painted on one of the things I was like, God damn, but they paint your own parking spot, like close to the door. I'm like, I got a weird actor for him. So I'll look for another.

That's okay. It's just, it's just, so that was the, those guys or the guys that I watched and said, yeah, but it was weird. I got on stage. I had a day job. Like I left there floating on ice, but then by the time I got to the car, I said, it's a pipe dream. Yeah.

You know, who the fuck am I? I'm fucking piece of shit. I can't do that shit. Exceptional people do that shit. Yeah. Let's start reading books. By that time, I knew Richard probably lived himself on fire. So I had a half a chance.

You know, what if somebody lights themselves on fire? I could do it. I could do it. He lived, you know, you know, you just, these comics, when I was growing up, you know, Freddie Prince killed himself. Yeah. Freddie Prince was fucking hugely. It's hard to sell.

Felly Freddie Prince unless you lived through it. Like Freddie Prince was a regular guy. He was on Chico and the man that was over. It was overly. And he used to walk around that comedy store and shoot guns in the back of the comedy store and shit. And one day couldn't take any shot himself. And that was the end.

He had the show after Samson's son. So everybody watched it. But the beauty about this kid, he was Puerto Rican and Johnny Carson was putting him on the panel. And the air was he was going to replace Johnny Carson. I mean, he was just a personable guy. If you listen to one of his standup routines today, you're like, guys, go fuck yourself. This guy's terrible.

That's how that's how see if you could find an old standup routine of Freddie Prince. Just see Lee. You'll die. I bought a CD once. I was all excited. Yeah. I bought it like at like one of those places in Texas, I was on the road at like a four hour drive.

I'm like fucking Freddie Prince. Yeah. This guy was my hero growing up. I threw it. Oh my God. Oh my God. I almost went off a fucking cliff. Can I tell you, I introduced Martin Lawrence, the store, maybe like a few months ago.

And I thought, hey, Martin Lawrence, holy shit. Because I used to work at a video store in college where we would deliver the videos to your dorm room. No way. It was called Video 101 at Kent State. So I watch and I would get all the movie posters. So I had this Martin Lawrence, You So Crazy poster and I watched the video all the time. And I must have watched that thing a hundred times in college.

I fucking loved it. And then I brought him up and I was like, I should go back and watch that now. I've been seeing it forever, probably since I was in college. And I wasn't even thinking of doing standup. Put it in, watch it. I was like, this is the fucking, oh my God. You're like, what was I thinking? God.

Hey, let's see what this guy's got. 1970, whatever. 74. Thank you. I'm not originally from LA. I come from New York. I'm one of the New York Puerto Ricans. And well, not really, not completely.

Because my father's Hungarian. So I'm a Hungarian. That's why I know I don't look it, right? I got light skin, straight hair. That's from my father. From my Puerto Rican mother, I got my nose and my mustache. I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. It's not really a ghetto.

It's a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. Birds don't know how to fly. They just fall out of trees and bother people. Tweet, tweet. Sucker, give me a quarter. Cockroaches with sneakers and dungarees.

Cockroaches are strong. You can't kill them. You ever notice? You step on them. You hear them snap. As soon as you lift your foot, they run like hell. That's because they know we believe the snap means they're dead. So they go, chump, and they're gone.

Not bad, though. The manager of the apartment building. Good looking dude. The name is Mr. Rivera, Puerto Rican guy. The name's deadly. You know that, right? You put it together. He looks like the dude from Scarface.

Or was he in Scarface? No, he was dead by then. That's crazy. He looks like his friend, doesn't he? Or maybe I'm thinking of a different movie. It's crazy because I still remember the night he shot him. I was by the high school. I still wasn't in high school.

I was still in fucking grammar school. And it was freezing out. It was one of those nights I made a mistake, Jack. And at a certain time in those days, the buses went on the service. So if you cut yourself up there at 11.05, you were dead. You were fucking freezing. And I walked home. I'll never forget I cut through the cemetery and I had to take a shit.

I'm like, Jesus Christ, this could only happen to me. I ate like bad pizza or something like that. And the kid I'm with, I'm like, walk ahead of me, but stay close. Because the rumor was there was devil worshipers in the cemetery at night. So I just pulled my pants halfway down and just, you know, I was very Catholic at the time. I was very respectful. I look for a grave that was very old. Even this family wasn't around.

And they had them. They had graves there from 1892 and shit. So I was like a shit here. And these people are dead. You know, even the cousins are dead. And I took a shit. And when I pulled my pants on, I left my pants on and I peed in the pan. I don't forget this.

I peed in the pants and it was so cold out that the pants froze. Oh, fuck. And I had to walk home like with shingles, piss shingles. I would fall off my little fucking pants. That's my memory of Freddie Prince bed. You taking a shit in a cemetery? In a cemetery. I was fucking cold January night or something.

Why did you pee your pants? It was just by accident? No, because I left it. It was so cold. I left the pants and kissed the devil worshipers game. I only shit, but I left my dick in the pants. So I'm looking around for devil worshipers, not knowing that I'm peeing. And when you shit, you automatically pee.

Right or wrong? I don't know. Nobody just shits and just shits. I've never shat outside before or something. That's fucking crazy. Listen, man. You're right, though. It is a double whammy.

You can't do one without them. Well, the other. Yeah. Think about it. You can just pee. You're getting the kitten caboodle. Yeah. You do the whole and you pee and then you flush it and you pee and shit again.

You know, when I'm there, it's like three or four little flushes and looksies and the whole thing, but you pee in between all those. You're like, how was I holding all this pee? How the fuck was I holding all this pee? You have a pee for like 10 minutes. You're like, what is this shit coming from? Yeah. Oh, that's my favorite part of waking up in the morning.

It's like the long ass pee. And what do you motherfuckers both these get older when you got to get up three times a night? Like you got to stop drinking on a two hour, like on a two night, two, you know those two show nights? Yeah. You got to stop. You got to do the second show like dehydrate and like you and be African with Africans

chasing your shit. Like because if not, once you turn 50, you'll be up three times peeing. I didn't get it for a long time. I got like, I get like a venti coffee at like midnight. Yeah. I'd be peeing till six in the fucking morning. Every hour on the hour, you're like, fuck. You got to take the sleep apnea mask off and fucking walk and pee and come back and put

it on. Oh, when you get older guys, it really is a nightmare. The fucking pee thing becomes a fucking nightmare. Yeah. I like full how old, you know, 42. 41. Yeah. 48.

You start peeing like a motherfucker. You're like, I got to watch my water intake. Then you go to the doctor and get blood and they're like, you know, you're a little dehydrated. Sure. I'm fucking dehydrated. I can't drink nothing. I want to sleep. But when I leave my house in Studio City in the morning, right here, whatever the fuck

I live right here. But the time I get to wax less, I got to pee. Like, but the time I get to 101, I get off that coinga exit. I'm looking for a bathroom. Sometimes you're fine when sometimes you're done. You do what you need to do. You go behind the 7-Eleven. I swear to God, I got to pee all the fucking time.

Well, I used to do that in Boston, like pee in like on the street, but I don't do. I'm always too scared to do it out here. Well, it's the body language. You can just stand there and make believe you're talking on the phone and be peeing and nobody would know. What do you do with a growing puddle by your feet? You fix in between two cars and make believe like one of the cars is yours. You just touch the paint like you love it.

Like, oh my God, look at this paint job. It's like a magician. People are looking at you petting the car. They don't see you peeing. I do it all the time, man. I pee at Ralph's. I have to. I'm old, but I don't have time to go in and pee.

I'll just open the door and make believe I'm on the cell phone. And the whole time the fucking drive from the house to the airport. Oh, once I park in Terminal 4 for American Airlines, I don't even wait. Right there. As I'm pulling the luggage out of my dick's eye, I'm just making believe I'm peeing on my sneakers. I don't care. I don't really.

At this point, that little drive from the house to the airport, it's not a little drive, but you guys know what I'm saying. Yeah. What do you do on long flights? Because I always get up and pee. Oh, I'm a big, even when I was bigger, I always pick the window because I hated getting up on that shit. No, I get it.

I get it. Listen, I didn't know this for years that you have to have water with you the whole flight. Did you know that? I didn't know this. I just saw this. Yeah, you gotta stay hydrated. Yeah. The whole flight, you gotta have water next to you.

You have to be drinking. I forget what the good, the four ounces every fucking hour. It's something crazy on a plane because there's some type of radiation. I don't know it. I can't break it down for the people at home. I'm just telling you that once I started drinking water on a plane, everything changed. Like, soda's not healthy on a plane. Alcohol's even worse, they say.

You know, for 20 years, I did everything on a plane. I started to blow on a plane. You know, I smoked pot one time. I smoked dope on a plane with a soldier. Really? I just come back from some country. It was like a fighter or something. We took a flight from San Francisco together.

He's like, man, I gotta go for a reef. I go, Doug, I gotta bowl right in my fucking pocket. I went to the back of the plane and started smoking weed like animals because in those days, you could smoke cigarettes. But that's when I get on a plane, I see that metal ashtray. I'm like, oh, this fucking plane's going down. I haven't been on a plane forever. That's USA.

USA always got people smoking on there. They got the air things for lungs. People had cancer and got on the planes. USA, those fucking planes are ratty, Doug. How they're still up there and not going down is beyond me. Every time I got a call to go to Philly, you only got to take USA twice a year. Philly and some other fucking place.

That's it. I think I'm not even going to Philly that route no more. I'm just going to LA, JKA, whatever the fuck it is. JFK? JFK, JKA, whatever the fuck it is. I rent the car and drive to Philly. Those USA planes, they're going to start going down any fucking day. Is it like one of the propeller ones?

I don't even know what the fuck it is, Doug. I know that you hear animals and shit. I know that American Airlines bought them and they ain't fucking... They ain't sparking on... Every time you take off on a US air flight, the thing fucking rattles like the brothers fucking took that air up until it rattles, man. It's like a soul plane. It really fucking rattles.

I'm not trying to be cute or funny here. I'm waiting for USA to start dropping out of the fucking sky. Every time I watch... That's another thing. I don't want nobody bothering me because that's my world news tonight. For years, I had Dianne Sawyer. They broke my heart. They fucking had got rid of her because she started getting liver spots.

So they replaced her with whatever his name is who I like. He's very good. But I always watch it. Every night, lately, the last fucking couple of months, three nights a week, they always talk about a flight problem. And I'm sitting there pulling for USA. It's got to be USA. Then they throw you off of like America, the Southwest or some shit.

I can't believe people get like in fights on planes. Didn't it just happen a couple of times recently? People getting like huge and they have to divert something, I think, in the last week. They do not fuck around on flights no more. I'll tell you what, I told you, Jody Ferdick got drunk with four or five dudes in San Francisco. They got on the plane, one of them grabbed her pussy.

She broke his nose. What? They arrested everybody. They arrested the five dudes and Jody Ferdick. Everybody got yanked off the plane and fucking handcuffs. They don't fuck around on planes. Yeah. I had a problem with a plane once, twice.

I had a problem with that plane. When that plane landed, the cops were there fucking waiting. They come around on the plane and they sit next to you and they go, we got to take care of something. And they talk to you. They don't fuck around at all. There's zero tolerance. Ralphie May is not allowed on United for kicking the counter

because he missed his flight. Like that 55-minute window thing? Yeah. Like they make you... They should have given him a medal because I can't see him getting his foot above anything that... Well, he kicked the counter low. Yeah.

It was like an inch off the thing. He just kicked it like any... It wasn't even like something malicious or nothing. Yeah, he's just banned. It was like, fuck. Right. You know, what am I going to tell the club? Like one of those, you know what I'm saying?

Two cops came and they squirted him out. He's not allowed on the United terminal. That's crazy. If they don't dog, they don't not play. That's why at airports, I put my iPod on and I don't even listen to people. Yeah. I don't want to talk to nobody because what happens if you snap? The next thing you know, you're in a fucking Russian jail with watching Midnight Express.

You watching Midnight Express? Yeah. I get on a plane. I'm in the exit row. Pull the hat down against the window. I'm out like a light. Wake me if you need a hero. That's it.

I'm done. Every flight? Every flight. I fall asleep. I don't know what it does, but the minute we go up in the air, I guess maybe the lack of oxygen. I just, I'm out. God bless you.

I always sleep. I wish I could fucking pass on planes like the old days. Do you have to take a sleeping pill or are you just out? I'm just out. He's one of those dudes. I'm not like Mr. T where I need to drink the, they spike the milk and I'm fucking, no, I'm just, I get against the window and sometimes even they're like, yeah, you got an upgrade to the first class.

I'm like, I don't, I don't need it. I'm going to be asleep here in two minutes. I feel maybe it's even like conditioned where I get on the plane. I feel like, oh, I can sleep now. That's crazy. I, maybe it's a skinny thing. I always used to be jealous of the girls who could lay down on their, on their trade table and fall asleep.

Maybe it was just when I was big, I couldn't like get comfortable in the seat. It's tough. On what seat? In any airplane seat. Oh, in any seat? Oh my God. When I was at my biggest, I was on a Virgin plane and like the, like I kept going over the seat rest and it's uncomfortable and then you're uncomfortable.

Yeah. It's tough being big on a plane. It's, it's like, it's obviously tough for everyone around you, but it's like, it's, that's one of the worst things about being big is getting on a plane. Like that's why I would, I always sat in the window for other people. So they wouldn't get. What a sweet man. So I would have to jump.

No, but it's not even me being sweet. It's me. It's me being embarrassed. Just take the compliment. Like I, you're a sweet young man. I'm very sweet, but I don't want to, I don't want to step like, I would be embarrassed to step over something. I can't make, like, you know, when you're a kid and you're jumping over like fences or

whatever, I've never once jumped over anything. I don't like, I would always trip on that stuff. I have like the shortest legs in the world. I can't reach over anybody. So I just sit in the corner and I just, I don't, I would never get up on a plane. What a sweet lonely young man you are. I'm sorry. I never jumped the fence either.

Every time I jumped the fence, I got caught too. I don't even think I ripped mine. I was not a good fence jump. You got to have a different type of fucking. And I was thin and I couldn't jump a fence. I didn't do it for my first pull-up. So I was like fucking 20. I just had no strength in my arms.

I had lift weights and do a thousand fucking push-ups. I couldn't do a pull-up. I never got the patch from the president's fitness. I had to calm the gym teacher, you know what I'm saying? Like a fan and bring him a hot dog and shit. They got a fucking patch from the president. I could do push-ups, sit-ups, squats. I jump, lung jump.

I could do everything. I just couldn't. Something about my hands. What is it about it when you're young that you can do like a thousand push-ups as a little kid, but then when you get older, like why don't your arms like stay just as strong? Like little kids can do like hundreds of push-ups. What am I, Nick at night?

You got to fucking, you know what I'm saying? I don't know why you're so strong. You might be, Nick at night. My fucking wife dropped my daughter off at 8.30 in the morning. She runs around until 5.45. My wife picks her up for the Valentine dance. She sent me the videos. It was basically her running around for an hour and a half.

That's eight hours, nine hours of fucking running around. Then they get home and they put heels on and dresses and they fucking make cakes and, you know, you got to play games with them. The fucking game you gave with a light bright. Last night I'm over there putting fucking off on it and shit, building it, whatever it, you know. It never ends.

The energy is fucking endless. Who knows? Listen, man, I grew up at a time when you left your house at eight in the morning. You didn't go back in for dinner, homework, and then you ran around until 10. When I first came from Cuba, there was so much trust on the streets.

That kids, you had eight, 20, you had 12 kids on the fucking street that knew each other. From the ages of six to 12, everybody played together. Everybody played together. You played everything. Stickball, two-hand touch football. Okay, let's go and eat. Then you come back.

Let's go look at the dead body over on Chandler that just got stabbed. Then you go look at him. That's a mile walk. It's a fucking mile walk that you did in three minutes flat, you know. And you weren't tired after another. Nothing.

I used to walk to two guys. When I was a kid, I lived on 38. Two guys. Two guys was on fucking 15th Street. What's two guys? Two guys is like this fucking... Walmart. Yeah, Walmart in 1970s, before TVs, whatever.

And me and these guys used to walk it, but it was one of those hills that it was like this for about 20 minutes. I can't do that today. Nobody could do that today. We'd do that shit twice a day. We'd walk the two guys. You know, like you went and bought a basketball

or you went and bought a bike tire and the bike and the tube didn't work. How do you think you got back there? You took a cab or you didn't get an Uber? You walked back with your bike like a half a fucking Momo, like a soldier. Then you had to fix it there, bring it back then you realize you forgot the pen for the basketball.

So now you gotta ride the bike back over there. You know, that was... You did that three, four fucking... I grew up in the second hilliest city in the country. Did you know that? North Bergen, New Jersey is the second hilliest hill in the country. It's right over the Lincoln Tunnel.

Yeah. Right when you get off the Roostery. That's North Bergen. Second most hilliest in San Francisco. You don't know where that went from as a kid. That's why I'll never die. Yeah. Because I got a heart of a fucking tank.

You know what I'm saying? You know how many times I walked up that hill for fucking ice teas and Chinese rice and... You know, you know how many fucking ideas in the winter, how many times... You had to walk it for breakfast to go to the high school. Then if you wanted to go out and get sicky, nicky-sucky, you had to fucking walk it again at night, dog.

You know? And don't talk to them about taking a shit in a graveyard. You don't want to know. Because there's no pisser. You got to push your pants. I still remember it being spring in New York. And I had to be a junior in high school. And me and Diddy Cantero sitting in the cemetery

with no shirts on, doing coke, and drinking an eight pack of nips. In the daytime? In the daytime. Like fucking 3.30 in the afternoon. I still remember that plane and that same cemetery. Yeah. Because we learned that cemetery took a half hour

off your travel time. It really did. 30 to 40 minutes off your travel time. Yeah. You cut from 68th Street, and you came out on 41st Street. Was it something like everyone in the town, all the kids taught each other,

like you learned from maybe the third graders, or you just found it out yourself? Because I had stuff like that. Older grades would tell the younger grades about it. Or were you just... I mean, I can't even imagine walking through a cemetery. If you ever go to Jersey, it's a 34th, three quarter.

What's the fucking math equation here, Steve Bernier? If you have three quarters of something, what's left? A quarter. Right. So a quarter of New Jersey is fucking cemeteries. If you've been to fucking New Jersey... So cut through the cemetery.

A quarter of New Jersey is cemeteries. And I'm talking about huge fucking cemeteries. You know, we had we hawk in cemeteries. I mean, three blocks from my house. That's where my mother's buried. We hawk in cemeteries, three blocks from my house. It's we hawk in New Jersey. There are a lot more cemeteries back east.

Why aren't there any here? Where are they out here? They throw them in the fucking beach. I don't know. They bury them on the 170. I don't fucking know what they do with these people. They send them back to Mexico. Who the fuck knows?

You fly in a JFK or LaGuardia, there's always that huge cemetery that you're descending. You're like, this is not a good... You shouldn't see it. This, before you're landing. It's like, do I need to see a bunch of tombstones? What about that scene from the Sopranos

where they're doing, they have a funeral and it's like underneath the... the highway underpass? Like underneath like six or seven highway underpasses is a cemetery. I told you that cemetery is everywhere. What are you going to do with them? What would you want to build the fucking highway

on the cemetery? I'm just going to complain. If they build it over a fucking neighborhood, people are going to say, what the fuck cars are doing 150 past my house all fucking day. A cemetery nobody gives. I'm telling you,

New Jersey is a quarter of that state. It's cemeteries. I don't know why. Then you take it like out of New York City, New York State, like Schenectady and all those places, Albany. They're a quarter fucking cemetery too. And I guarantee Boston,

there's no fucking party either. Oh, but did you guys ever stop when you were driving around the Northeast and just go to those cemeteries? When I went to that wedding a couple years ago, I went to a cemetery in Vermont. They had... It was like you were talking about,

they had like 1600 headstones. It's like, it's so cool. Like where do you get buried if you die in Arizona? Do they have cemeteries in... Because it's a desert client. Are they... Maybe they have those like the... Where you get stacked up.

Yeah. Yeah, those freak me out. I don't want to... I'm sure that they dig in the desert, but I would think that the soil's harder to... I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. I don't know where you get buried in Arizona. That's my point.

Why are you playing on Dine in Arizona? People usually live in Dine in LA. You want to go to Arizona? Yeah, I'll die doing the Tempe Improv. That'll be my swan song. The spirit of Danny when he comes and gets you. That's... It's funny that we share the office here

with the funeral people. Come on. Well, yeah, from across the street. Not this... Not our office, but this building. It's like they came in during the day. It's morbid. I grew up with a kid who had a funeral ball.

Steve Byrne, it was like... You have no idea. Yeah. And he was cool as fuck. I started hanging out with him when I was about 15. Yeah. His parents had money, so they'd leave him. They'd leave for three months at a time.

And this motherfucker would have to do the little menial tasks. You know, picking up bodies, dropping them off. Oh, God. How was he? Now he's my age. Now he's a big shot. But I mean, he still has the funeral ball. He's doing busy and everything.

But in those days, I hung out with him. There was a lot of nights, he'd say, What are you doing, Ty? Can you put a suit on? I didn't know. Sure. You know, and I'd have to keep the sinks clean, and you have to take the garbage out,

and you have to, you know, fucking... It was crazy. On the other side, we also had big time parties there. You have no fucking idea. At a funeral? Oh, my God. Late nights, after we'd be at a bar three in the morning, nobody would...

We wouldn't do this. Take them back to the funeral ball. I can't. What the fuck are you talking about? You can't. Your father's in Florida. That's a tough sell to a girl. Please, they love it.

Really? All you show them the caskets and shit, I know for a fact this guy banged maybe eight chicks in caskets. Oh, God, that's fucking... In caskets? The chicks love that shit, dog, they get banged in a casket. Oh, my God.

You find the girl with the Marilyn Manson t-shirt, you're like, Hey, get over here. I think I know you and I'll party tonight. Do you close the top or are you at all? I don't think he could. I don't ever ask. That's freaky if they close the top. No, he don't think he could breathe.

He closed the fucking top, right? Do you like to burp, please? Uh-huh. That was our timmer. From the age of like maybe 18 to 20, that was my headquarters. What's his funeral parlor? There was a bar next to it called Luches.

And Luches was where it went down. Nothing, my friend hated more than that bar next to it with Luches. Because all his custom, you know, this kid always thought he was hiding everybody. And here's his neighbor, Bar Luches. They're throwing darts. They're doing blow. They're having fist fights in there.

So it was convenient because if you're in the funeral parlor, you go and they do a blast and get a cocktail and then come back to the funeral like nothing happened. This was crazy shit. This is crazy shit, but I still remember him and I were going to see Michael Jackson at the metal hands for the victory tour. And he goes, dog, I'm going to bind you.

We're going to take a ride to Kennedy to pick up a body that's coming from Florida. Good God. I said, I'll do it on one condition. I got a couple of bags of wheat done. We get in the fucking car. We shoot over there. We get the reefer. We go to JFK, get the body, drive back.

And I'm going to forget this. We fucking pull in. And what you do is those, uh, those, uh, those things that they come to the body on. It's usually a one man thing. Yeah. Those gurneys. Because all you got to do is pull it and the legs pop up. And this guy, as he comes out, the bottom legs pop up.

All you have to do is just, so I ran out of the car because I had to call a girl and never forget this. And I went into the embalming room and there was a phone there. I mean, this is how natural it was. Yeah. I went into the embalming room and picked up the phones and I called this girl and I'm like, we'll pick you up at like 630, blah, blah, blah. And I'll never forget that I look over and he's like, die.

And he threw the body at me. What? The body was on the thing like, this is like running on the wheels. And it's fucking, I moved out of the way and it hit the wall and all of a sudden the mouth went, and I fucking dropped the phone. Steve Byrne. Who had more fun than me growing out of Steve Byrne? Who the fuck hangs out with a stiff fucking wrangler?

Was there, I mean, did he ever think that there were like, were there haunted spells or were there like kind of ghostly spirit or entities that ever happened at the funeral home or not once? He was one. He's still one of my best friends. I mean, now he's just really busy and, you know, I mean, I took him to the longest yard premiere. I mean, that's how tired I am.

I mean, he's my brother, you know. But that was, and but then this is where it used to get funny. We used to get fucked up. We used to get fucked up. Were there dead people in the basement still? This is, oh yeah, we used to get fucked. But no, no, this was way before. I mean, we used to have a blast with him.

He was really a fun guy because if his pager went off, I mean, he had to pick up a body. He would have like three pages. One page particularly went off. But once he had a couple of them, we just take the pager from him. I was saying like, once he had a couple of fucking cocktails going, we take the pager from him. Then we get home and his dad would be waiting for him. Where the fuck you been?

There's two bodies in Newark Airport. You hear our fucking dilly-dally and get in the fucking car. And we'd be jacked fucked up out of our minds. And he'd tell me, you got to take the ride with me. Are you fucking kidding me? You stole the beeper. So three of us would have to get in the car and take a ride. Pick up bodies because we were going to drop the bodies off.

We were going to the package. I mean, that's how crazy we were at that age. But there was a lot of nights where we would still be up at eight and he'd have a funeral. Oh, God. Okay. So he'd drop us off and we'd get in whatever car we had and we'd wait 10 minutes and we'd have a funeral parlor. He'd have the cones in front of the funeral parlor.

He'd be standing with his suit pale. Oh, yeah. You know, his jaw would still be gone. And my friend would step around the fucking gas and knock over his cones. Hilarious. Hilarious. What is it like being high in a car? You can hear like the, like just the body rattling around and whatever thing it's in.

Like the metal. I'm not fucking lit. We came and went through Hudson County Park to get to the George Washington Bridge. And it was the beginning of a snowstorm and the car started spinning around shoes. We got a fucking stiff in the car. Get them. I mean, these were just times that I wish there were so many times I wish I had a video camera. Like it would have been unacceptable.

But these are the things that people would never believe. Like us pulling over in Harlem. Yeah. And getting a bag of reefer, getting a package. I mean, this is crazy. Like he wasn't even back there. Yeah. Like it was just a part of doing business.

Like if you wanted to run into the city, I'd take the round me to pick up the body. I'll stop. Fuck. I can't imagine like parting with my friends and being like, all right, we got to go pick up a dead body and then we'll come to be continued. A dead body would be the end of my night, but it's kind of like, you know, it's like, let's, there was so many different. I was in high school.

It was a kid named Rob Merleau. His dad had a restaurant called Roberto's or something. And it was the second best. Like, like it was written out by a New York area's best. And he used to cut a deal with us. And he said, listen, guys, plain and simple. Friday night, you come, you clean the bar or you can eat whatever you want. Booze.

So basically, if we went to his restaurant at 12, we take an eight ball and just drink all night for free after the bar closed and drink till six and then take the car down the shore. That's how crazy we're in high school. We had all these little scams that we do. What are you going to do for it? Let's see. Why?

Come with us. We get over there about two. We would go to Joe Mary's attend drink till three and then take the car to fucking Mando's Mando's. That wasn't even. We have to clean. But we cleaned fucking lit when you're 19 or 20. You don't give a fuck because we knew at seven, we're just going to wash our hands and go

down the shore for the weekend. Yeah. Can you imagine that? And not even going to sleep. That's not even thinking about going to sleep till maybe Sunday. You couldn't have done a good job cleaning. And then like you, you, you cleaned and you took all his booze. He must have been pissed.

He didn't give a fuck. It was his father's restaurant. He was there with us. No, but the father must have been pissed. He didn't know the father was somewhere. The father owned elevator companies. This was just like his fucking right off. And the restaurant became like this fucking big deal where right ups every time you went

in there, the Knicks were there. Anybody, you know, all those athletes that lived in New Jersey were there, you know, so it was kind of interesting to go in there. Yeah. You know what all that shit is. Yeah. You were there for eight years. The reason why I wanted to talk to him.

I shot a special in Vegas and it just failed miserably. Give me A to Z. How many specials have you done? I just finished my fourth. Fourth. Give me the anatomy of the Steve Burns special. The anatomy. How long to take to write?

For me, two years. Because I was special. So you've done four specials in eight years. Yeah. Well, because of Sullivan and Son, it took me an extra year and a half for the third one. So yeah, you're about like almost, you know, eight or nine. Was it stressful for you that you go into it with a different mentality?

Yeah. I think the first one, you know, the first one is a culmination of, oh, I'm okay, thanks, is a culmination of your first few years in stand-up. So you have all these years and you're trying to figure things out and it's just a jumbled mess. And then my second and third one, I started figuring out, but basically what it comes down to is for me, at least, you come up with a thesis. What is it I want to communicate?

What is the question that I would like to answer over the course of this hour special? So for example, the second one was burn identity. And it started with me going to China for the Olympics. And everybody there is like, what are you in Saigon, American, but then you come back to America and people like, oh, what are you in Saigon, Korean and Irish? And I just thought if I'm American in China and if American in Europe or Ireland, but in America, I'm not American, I'm Korean and Irish. That would be a fun way to explore my identity being Korean and Irish.

So that became the thesis for that of saying, I'm an American, I'm going to prove it, this that the other thing, make fun of a bunch of different races. And then this one, I turned 40, I have two kids now, and I didn't want to just have somebody turn on Netflix, for example, and see, oh, this guy's 40 years old and he's talking about being 40. Well, I'm fucking 21, I'm in college, fuck this guy. I'm going to watch Aziz or Jesunek or somebody else. So I thought, why not try to communicate to somebody half my age and give them lessons

along with my children? So you tell the truth, you don't lie, where's the joke in that? Where's something that's happened to me that's a personal experience that I can parlay that to somebody half my age? So that kind of became the backbone of this new hour. Do you ever write jokes that you know won't be on the special or are all of your jokes now? No, I mean, you write them all thinking, okay, this will be a part of it.

I actually had a closer that was really like, really, you know, I've got applause breaks all the time, it was fail-proof, it was just great, and I closed on it, and it was until the last month that I thought, you know, you built up all this goodwill, you talk about your family, your daughter, your son, your wife, and family, and then I'm doing this dirty sex joke about the analogy between women buying shoes and guys thinking that same way with blowjobs, and it was great. And I just thought, do I want to end the show like this after talking about my family this whole time?

So I just thought I'm going to scrap it and do something a little more meaningful. So I wrote something about a month ago and that became the closing bit. So, but I think everything that I've written will possibly end up on the special, yeah. That's crazy that you said that because Joey, you had a bit in this where you said a word a couple of times, but you said it by mistake earlier and you said, I can't say it there because it's too much. I can't imagine, I would never have thought that you would have to think, oh, I built up all this goodwill.

I don't want to have a dirty, like for you, Joey, like you're a dirty comic, you would think, well, you say stuff like that, so you would think you would say it as much time as many times as you wanted, but it's interesting that you have to censor yourself a little bit. Well, I think just in terms of this particular, because my last one, I was really dirty at the end, the last like 15 minutes, it's just like a 4th of July Statue of Liberty fireworks finale. It's like a whole crowd chanting anal, you know, it's like, yeah, a thousand people

going anal, anal to this poor girl in front who has not received anal and I'm telling her, honey, it's coming like a full moon, brace yourself, there's a freight train out there circling this country heading right towards that asshole. So it just, you know, it's like I did that last one, it was so dirty and then this one, I'm talking about my kids, I'm talking about my wife, I'm talking about my family, I'm talking about my kids, yeah, and yeah, then the last joke just wouldn't fit because it it's not how you start, it's how you finish, especially with these specials, you remember Chris Rock dropping the mic, you remember that last joke and it's like, I want this

special to be remembered in a different light than the other way. And let's say that was your first special, what do you have made that choice or what do you have just gone with the good joke? I would have gone with the good joke, yeah, in a heartbeat, yeah, but I think the older I've gotten, especially with kids now, with my kid, it's like, I always want them to be proud of me and like, I've got some really dirty jokes. I mean, I remember my first Comedy Central half hour, I'm on all fours doing a doggy style joke, talking about how women just lose the will within four minutes and they just

drop down and the ass stays popped up, but the heads just bang, so it's banging on the stage and I'm talking, oh my God, your pillow smells like shit. Now here I am banging my stage, my ass is on the air, and I look in the crowd and my mom and dad are both looking at me and I'm just like, oh, for fuck's sakes. But you know, at the time, you're gonna do the joke, it kills, and it still did, I love that joke. My daughter was sitting on my lap yesterday, I'm watching something on the computer, we're going through some videos, and I got like this chill in my spine, for years I tried

to re-circuit myself, I tried to be a different person than this little girl was doing all by herself, like, because you're thinking about what you have on YouTube, and how in 15 years, and if you want me to tell you I'm lying to you and I haven't thought about this, you don't know anything about me, like I've thought about this, something's gonna happen one day, she's gonna go on YouTube for two hours and see some of this shit and go, what the fuck happened, this is not the guy I knew, or I didn't know my dad fucking did this, or he mugged the fag, or he did this, or he, you know, it's just, it's a big worry of mine, it's a very big worry of mine.

I think it's gonna be great. No it's not, no it's not, because I'll tell you what, one of the things I'm very much against is parenting with alcohol or anything like that, I've always felt in my heart, because I grew up with a mom that fucking drank in front of me, she smoked open from me, so I got to, I have the ability to say this shit that when you see your hero doing something, that's it, that's it, there's no alcohol in my fucking house, for a fucking reason, there's no fucking alcohol in my house, there's weed on the balcony, for now, today, but she watches me when I go outside guys, they ain't fucking stupid, they smell something, they watch when

you go outside and come back, and while you go outside sometimes she bangs to see why I'm outside, you know, if she's not thinking about doing drugs and she sees me smoking on one of these periscopes, you know, they win her hero, that's how I look at things, I know a bunch of people gonna disagree with me, I know how, that's what it was for me, and I made a fucking analysis of all the kids I grew up with, I have a friend that's crazy, tell me how it was, listen to the podcast still, he's a fucking teamster, one thing about his parents, his parents knew we were doing everything, but they were saying in this house, you're not gonna have a fucking beer, I respected that, oh my god, his grandmother

would squash the beers with her hand, the Budweiser, crush them on her head, crush, no, she'd crush them with her hand, it was hilarious, but in their house you were not allowed to drink, until this day I really respected that, even me, in 1982 I was doing blow, pills, heroin, I respected that, you weren't allowed to drink, so these are the things I'm scared of, yes, and I know that, you don't want to see your daughter talking about doggie style, she's fucking Christ, the shit I got on eating ass and sticking fingers in your pussy and picking them up by the hoof, I'm gonna need my daughter to see that shit, and that's a reality that we deal with later, but for right now, from here on in, I'm gonna make

a conscious decision to maybe, watch, Yeah, you try to, cause even like in the special I just filmed, I have this joke about this girl in a porn and how she deserves love, and here I am, I'm acting it all out, the girl's getting from behind, she's jerking off guys, blowing guys, and at the end I go, oh my god, this is being filmed, and I feel like years from now my daughter will be at a lunch table in junior high school with a bunch of her friends around a tablet, and there'll just be a gif of me just like doing all this shit, and girls are like, what's your dad doing, oh my dad, he's getting butt fucked, and he's blowing guys and jerking

them off, but he's working, he's at work, it's like, oh okay good, that's what I have out there in the world, but I'm addressing it as opposed to like the last special that's on Netflix now, was so racial, but I was doing it just before my daughter was born, and I mean, I think I went there and I crossed the line at certain points too, but that's something that also resonated with me, because as my daughter gets older, I don't want her, you know, cause everybody can skew it however, the way they wanted to, because as a comic, when I talk about race, it's like, it's like where, when I grew up in Jersey, I grew up in Pittsburgh, especially in New York City, that's why I filmed the special in New York

City, the last one champion, it's because you can talk about race freely in New York City because people don't give a shit, they're just like, oh it's a black guy, yeah I don't give a shit, whereas in Iowa, it's like, oh my god it's a black guy, don't, you gotta watch what you, it's like no, in New York anybody can make fun of anybody, cause you're all jammed in that 14 square mile island, and everybody's there just busting balls, cutting chops, and knowing that, that city is, everybody's got each other's back at the end of the day in New York City, I believe, the time I spent there, so I think when you talk about race these days, it's so, so thin ice, and I don't want my daughter getting

older and any of her friends thinking, oh this guy, oh her dad's racist or whatever, just completely the opposite, cause I always thought that when you make fun of people, you make fun of the ones you love, and I always thought you can make fun of anybody here, but it's always the opposite. Oh, I was just gonna say, I totally agree that I think the problem that a lot of parents have are that they, that you just think it's bullshit, especially now with the internet, I didn't really grow up with the internet, but now even younger kids must know that weed's okay or something, or they like, dare is kind of bullshit and stuff like that, but it's

always the parents who like, have like honest conversations, that the kids turn out the best, so now it'll be embarrassing for them when they're young, but every kid is embarrassed of their parents in middle school. Always, yeah. You guys are gonna be the cool fucking dads, it's gonna be embarrassing from like, eight to sixteen or something, but after that you're gonna be cool. I think especially like Joey, you know, with everything he's done, and just being so, such an open, honest book, I think it's just like as a dad, and especially as a comic, you know, just for me speaking, it's just like we've seen everything, like we, there's no party you're gonna go to that's better than any party we've been to, there's no body you're gonna hang

out with that's cooler than anybody we hung out with, so whatever it is you're doing as a kid, it's like go ahead and do it, have fun, but listen to me, I've seen it all, so really take this in, that's something I want permeated in my daughter's head, it's like, listen to me, I'm telling you this, it's up to you to make your own decisions, but trust me, I'm a fucking pro, I did it, I've seen it, I've been around it, there's nothing you're gonna do that's fucking cooler than anything I fucking did, so you gotta catch up to me, but you're learning from a pro, so just chill the fuck out, know that this is bad, but it's up to you, now the baby's a boy, the baby's a boy, the girl is three and a half, now here's the funny thing, now your daughter's 17, your son's 14,

here's your son with three of his little goombas, watching you eating that girl's ass on stage, I high-fived the son, but the daughter's like, right, now the boy's gonna be in the room going, oh shit, your dad's the shit, your dad was the shit, well your daughter's gonna be, you're so gross dad, you know what I'm saying, but they're supposed to, but at least you're not a fucking accountant, which is great, but you guys are gonna be on TV, you're like, eventually they're gonna be like, where are the stars of death, can you imagine, just to you, you guys are gonna be, but it's, we live in California, it's gonna be legal by then, oh my god, it's gonna be good, but you're gonna be forced to just be straight up honest, there's gonna be no,

at a certain point, there's gonna be no more sugar coating stuff. Kids fucking know when they get insulted when you bullshit them. They do, I know a lot of kids that are fucking mad at their parents for something, I grew up with like three dudes that over the years, I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know what's funny, I think kids honestly are like any stand-up audience, they cut through the bullshit, they know when you're lying, you gotta be up front, other than, I mean when you're on stage you gotta be funny, but there is a similarity, I believe with children in the audience, they just know, they can sniff you out in a heartbeat,

so you gotta be honest, I think at least as a comic on stage and as a parent, you always have to be honest. You really believe that you went to the coolest parties and shit? I think so, yeah. I mean, I fucking, when you were a comic or before you were a comic? Oh, when I was a comic, yeah, I worked, I did Beecher's Madhouse with Bill Burr, Robert Kelly, Dove Davidoff, all these guys out of New York, and Beecher used to have these shows in Vegas at the hard rock, so the show would be on Saturday, you know, he'd give you room, so you'd get in Wednesday and just part of the whole week, so when I first moved here, that's how I paid my rent, I lived in Vegas at the hard rock pretty much for two summers straight and into the spring,

and just collected that check and we saw, so it was a blast, it was the fucking best, I was young, I was single, I was in my 20s, I was, or early 30s and just in Vegas, this was 10 years ago. Yeah, late 20s actually, yeah, it was the best. And then come in here and just hanging out with all those guys when I first moved here to LA and then obviously in New York City, being a stand-up in New York City, my first seven or eight years at the comedy cellar, you're going out every night, I mean, I wouldn't get home until six or seven in the morning, it was the fucking, it was the greatest, the absolute fucking best. What would you do until seven in the fucking morning? Ah, drink, hang out, try to meet girls and girls at the show. Where would you leave the,

what time's they close? I mean, you know, New York, you can, a cellar, at that time, it was always Godfrey, Lampinelli, me, Artie Fuqua, we had the last four sets from one o'clock to two in the morning, so we always closed it out. And if you're there, you know, it's in the summer, New York City, NYU's right there, all those college kids, I'm just a few years older than them, they want to go out there, fuck yeah, tourist is in town, they've never been to the cell, they just saw Dave Chappelle, now they see me on the same stage and it's like, hey, I'm asking you to get it, yeah, that's kind of cool. So it's like, we had a fucking great run, a fucking great run. Seven in the morning. Seven in the morning, yeah, always at the

Waverly Diner, Godfrey and I would get some flapjacks and call it a night. That's the best. I always wanted to live in New York. I'm great. I'm happy with what I'm doing, but that's when I, when I interned out here and was going back to do my last semester in college, I thought I was going to go to New York, just seemed so... That's such a diff, listen, night lurking is a complete different world, and there was no better night lurking than I was. Now I'm scared to go out at night. I got to like 1130, I got to go home, dog, if bad shit happens. Yeah. But I used to lurk, I loved it. That's why I want to know what you, I mean, I did drugs till eight in the morning. Yeah. You know, I watched Vinyl last night, and you know,

Dice Clay plays this guy and they give him a big Coke Rock at the bar party. Most of the phone rings three days later, he goes, dog was still out. That was me and my friend. Yeah. You're still up at a hotel room, you know, still up. Yeah. Three guys, 11,000 people have been through that. Women, you fucked women in there. They've left. One came back and blew your friend. You know, she brought... Nobody's jealous. What about the club he was walking into? He was walking, like there were girls blowing guys in the bathroom. This is correctly, you know, when, when I left New York City for me, the day I got in that car, it wasn't like I cried or nothing, but I knew I was missing a great part of New York City. I left New York City before it ended.

Like I left the first time in April of 83. And then I came back and I caught that 85, 84 vibe-ish, which was still just superb, you know, where I understood what you're saying. Yeah. But I wasn't doing no fucking comedy jack. I was working and, you know, you leave your house. In those days, you would go out at 1030 because Miami Vice came out at nine. And between nine and 10, you got a package of Coke delivered to your house. You did a couple lines and at 1030 you walked into the club with your new shoes and shit. But you didn't go to a club club. You went to like a New Jersey club. Right. With all your fucking little idiot friends.

What's a New Jersey club? Domenico's. Domenico's. We've been going there since we know the fucking bartender we get to hook up. You go in there, you got a tab. Is it just a bar? Just a bar, maybe some food. It's a thousand breaderances. But you're not going to eat. You're not going to eat. You're not eating there. You're doing packages. And also when I got to 30, you'd shoot into Manhattan.

But we go to one of those fucking crazy clubs. Yeah. Now, let me see. I'll tell you what was crazy on Thursday nights. I went with my friend, Mike Askelies to studio 54 one time. This was 1984. So all that and why is it really shit was done? This was, it was a different club. But I do remember snorting coke in the girl's bathroom. And it was fucking he would shit like that and people fucking in the bathroom.

Guys getting that dick sucked. I wasn't getting my dick sucked. I can tell you I got my I didn't get my dick sucked. But what a fuck. What a fuck to let go of that people getting that dick sucked and stuff like that. The graveyard when you took a shit. No, no, no, no, no, no. The 1040 club. The 1040 club. But I, but that was with kids when I was 16 that took me to a fucking whole

cow. Not the 1041. What's the one where the guy, it's three floors. I was thinking about you. I thought that's what we were seeing. Not Ram Rodgers, the gay bar, but then there was the other place. But there was a, it was just a different New Yorkers. Very free. Like I remember walking into and the names of the blood, but people had eight balls on the table. I could have been a cop. Yeah.

The doorman just said, Hey, make, clean your nose. Yeah, it was fucking crazy. It was just a crazier time. And you'd see people on Monday. I don't, my friend's mom's calling me in 1987. My friend, Anthony Sabatino, I got a call from his mom once a month. Coco, you talked to Anthony. He was on a plane to Vegas. I was hoping he's by you, you know, because those people in New York would get two, three days of coconut and go,

what do you want to do with this in the whole time? We'll fuck. Let's go to Miami. You know, many times my friends showed up in Colorado in those days. Jesus. Like one time they showed up. I was in Boulder and I got a call. I show up someplace like, this is a fucking, this is a tremendous story. I get to my house and they're like, Hey, your friends are here. What are you talking about?

They just called. They're at the airport. Call them at this number. I go all the way, 45 minute drive to the airport. Sure enough, they paid the guy to tell me not. They're at the strip club in Denver. I put them in a car. I get to the strip club. They got the whole table. They're fucking whacked. Foams coming out of their noses. We're up in Jersey. I'm like, let's go to Denver to see Coco.

Let's go to Denver. We went to the really good strip club. They went to the hotel across the street, like four fucking rooms connected. Jesus. Then we went back up there and they bought champagne and we're up there drinking and three strippers came up. Then two of them got paranoid and gave me the coke. And we hit it in the wall and the tissue thing where the tissues come out of the wall. I know. Forget that. And they forgot which one it was. Then we got up the next morning. They were straight.

They're like, well, we're going back home. You could keep the coke. I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. We paid for the room till Friday, but we're going back. Where did they get this money? They were selling coke. And they would go on these benches and they would fucking go for three or four goddamn days. So they're trying to make money, but they were doing that much of it. But they're good friends because they go, they're doing blowing.

They go, we got to go see Joey. Oh my God. We got to go see him now. Can you believe that? Go to new work and then they just fucking show up. That's the best. Listen, the 80s, people showed up with no suitcases. Yeah.

Do you understand me, Lee? Do you know what it's like if I just call you and go, Steve Byrne, coax, what's going on? Not Joey, what's up? Where are you? LAX. What are you talking about? I'm an LAX. I'm going to take an Uber. Listen, I got two ounces of coke on me. Call your friends. It's the best. It's from Noriega. It's left over. And you like, okay.

And I show up and with this close, like three days, all I did was get up, take a shower and put this close back on. Yeah. So I cope, you know, smoke and airline fucking piss. And I'd buy clothes tomorrow, but tonight we party with the two. That's how fucking crazy. And I'd say, where were you guys? Well, we went from Philly to Atlantic City to fucking Connecticut.

And then we flew out here. So how long have you guys been going since Saturday? It's fucking Thursday. Have you guys slept? We slept on the plane for an hour. This asshole flushed the coke down the toilet. Thank God we got another shipment sent top to the hotel. It was craziness.

And I'm sitting there going, oh my God, this could have been me. Now I get why you don't want to go to like the Hollywood parties. Like it just like who go like immerse. He ever wanted to go to like a Hollywood party one day. He'd be like, listen, my friends flew out with no suitcases for a week. I've never been to a party when I got here. I think I went to one one night to meet somebody and I walked in and there was a dude dancing with the wall.

And people were sitting there going, look at him. He's brilliant. And he was an actor. I'm not going to mention no names, no names. He was dancing with the wall and people were like, oh my God, he's gone now. I haven't seen him in a movie for 15 years. That was like a fucked up movie.

He was in the something. I forget what the kid's name was anyway. And that was it. That was my history of Hollywood parties. Yeah. They just weren't. I didn't. El Compadres is crazy as I get.

You were going to El Compadres? Yeah, that's so. Yeah. You see some crazy shit in there. Every night when I go to the struggle, tonight I'm going to go over there and get a burrito. Yeah. I went about three weeks ago, but they got valet parking.

Now fuck you. I used to run this back parking lot. You know what I'm saying? I used to be out here until six in the morning because that used to be a happy. When I first moved to LA, that was a happening comedy neighborhood. It was Stan Hope, DePaolo, Mitch Headberg. Josh Wolf, Ralphie May.

Everybody lived on those blocks. And they would meet and play tennis. It was crazy. Yeah. This is 97. But now they went valet parking on El Compadres. It sucked my dick. Fucking painful.

How about Jumbo's Clown Room? You do that? Never. Never? Never. That I thought you would be a ringer for that. It's such a dive shit hole, but it's so fun. And it's great.

And it's all these girls are tatted up like suicide girls. And you know, they're not the hottest, but they're really nice. And it's just like a fun vibe. Are they naked? I think they get shirtless. Every time I've been there, I've been just fucked. I've heard about that place. I heard about that place when I first moved here.

Now do they do comedy there, Lee? All I heard is it's kind of like a weird kind of a hipster strip club. Weird strip club. It's a really, really weird strip club. But there's no, it's called Jumbo's Clown Room. But there's no clowns, right? It's just, I don't know why it's called that. But it's really fucking.

And every time I've been there, I've been so drunk. Whoever I go with, I buy t-shirts for everybody. It's like, we got to remember this tonight. It sounds kind of like Chi, where Ari films the show. Chi does. It's on Hollywood Boulevard, past Western, towards between West. It's so funny because anytime I wear my shirt, that's when guys, you'll be out or like when I wore it

on like the Sullivan Sunset, it was always the crew guys or was like, dude, I fucking love that place. It's like, it like brings the guys out of the woodwork that have ended up there and had a great night. I've never really been a big strip club guy. I just went back after maybe 16 years. I got off the exit one night and went to this one I paid by myself about a month ago, tremendous.

I got one table dancing left. That's it. I drank a soda. She gave me a table dance. I came in my pants. I got in my car. I told my wife a couple of days later, she was giggling her ass off.

I can't, I can't do it. I was never really a big, let's go down and hang out. I get nervous. Yeah. I get really insecure. I get nervous. I give myself excuses not to be there. I think they're going to hate you.

I think the strippers must just hate everyone who walks in. I know they make money off of you, but. They don't hate you. They're half a horse. You know, they got to have something in you, the dabble in that fucking world. I think too, when you tell them you're a comic, it's almost like Kindred Spirits.

Right. We are Kindred Spirits. Yeah. Because this girl said to me, she goes, I just saw you at the store Wednesday night. How fucking crazy. It was great. It was fucking great.

That's a legend. In fact, I walked in and walked out, got in my car and she ran to the door and she's like, come in. I just saw you at the store Wednesday night. What are you doing? We started talking. Oh, that's great.

I go, what are you charged? I went up, looked at the menu. I went to the ATM and I gave it to her. I said, do your thing. It was great. And it was great. It wasn't like I was there out of desperation. Right.

When I got divorced in 91, I went to the bus stop a couple of times and I met a girl one night at Denny's and nothing really happened. We were going to do stuff. And then she went, we were going to go on a date and the chick I was divorcing, this stripper went to get a haircut on the hill

where my wife got a haircut and sat in the chair. And my wife's like, why you need a haircut? And she goes, I'm going on a date with a comedian tonight, Joey Diaz. Can you believe that on all the fucking places to put yourself in this corner? God. For your guys's first date.

She was going to go, I was going to take her to dinner, she was going to go see me host at the broker. So she can't tell the date? Fuck yeah. My wife threw her out of the chair. Cancel the day, cancel the wedding, the marriage. It was fucking crazy, these guys. Jesus.

You know what, man? I threw, we threw a fucking wrench in here. The special. What the fuck? So the last special you shot in, Chicago, not Zainis. Not Zainis. No, two weeks ago did it.

And we were talking about this before the show. Because I think sometimes when comics film an hour, they film it in front of, you know, the Chicago theater. It's like 3,000, 3,500 people. Or like somebody will go to an arena. And I don't think you hear laughs. You hear, you hear like noise. And I thought, you watch Sarah Silverman,

like she always does it kind of in an intimate space. And I thought, I'm going to do that. I'm going to find something that's not too small. Because hers are like 7,500 people. But this was a few hundred people. And we did it at this place called Lincoln Hall in Chicago. It's fucking awesome. Really, really great.

How many people? I think three, 400 people. That's all you need, Steve Byrd. I got to do a showcase next Wednesday, Steve Byrd. Yeah. I'm having a big problem with this. It's at the Comedy Store in Maine. Oh, you thinking of filming there?

No, no. I got to do a showcase next weekend for a couple different people. Oh, I gotcha. And the people who set it up. So let's do the main room. I didn't realize it until I went to the store the other day. Yeah.

I went to a showcase in the main room. Go the OR. That's what I'm saying. With a belly, yeah. Yeah. I'm going to cancel it for next Wednesday. Tell them to see you in the OR. First of all, they won't move it for you?

Listen, when I moved to LA, and you signed with an agency, once a year, you would get a call in, like, October. And your agent would put me, Steve Byrne, you know, Sebastian, Bobby Lee at the improv. And your agency gave out pieces of paper with your name and your picture and what you did and what you want to do. And you went up and they said, and it was 20 minutes, 15 minutes. These guys want me to do an hour.

An hour in the main room? Yeah. And I'm like, I don't want to do an hour. Do an hour on the belly. You'll pack it in. It'll be crammed. It's just what you want. And have them see you there.

Adam, do that for you in a heartbeat. You have to come to the movement. The main room. You want to do that on, like, a Saturday. That's, you know. Well, not even if you filled it up, right? Because you've been back for a couple of years. You've only done the main room, like,

when I've been there two or three times. Or I definitely would get less late, just to confirm it. I'm an OR guy. You know what I'm saying? I'm an OR guy. I'm an OR guy. And then you are what the fuck you are. Yeah.

And every once in a while, just so you don't get put in a monkey wrench, you say, fuck it. I'll do the main room on a Sunday or a Monday. It's hockey night, whatever the fuck it is. And you go in there and you're OK. And but if you've been training in the original room, your timing's kind of off, especially the guy.

You know what I'm saying? Like, unless you're like a slow storyteller with a suit on, bop, bop, bop, the fucking main room works. I'm an animal. You know, I got no class. You know, I know this is going in, Steve Byrne. The original room is where you go and you got no class. Somewhere along the line, you fart.

I know. Yeah, I know. I know. The original room is the master of no class, because you'll see it. And that's what turns to the original room is a magical room. You and I, you could go home at night. It's amazing.

Like, especially when you go on a Wednesday night and there's a buck 20 in there and you have a mediocre set for the two jokes you were writing. Yeah. How do you go home? What do you feel? I can't wait to go back Thursday. It's the greatest.

It's and it's and it's $15. Yeah. But you want to go back Thursday. Yeah. Like you could do a thousand things. You could work at Walmart and make more fucking money than 50. It's such a fucking when I get home sometimes in the comedy store and I'm sitting there sometimes

like I want sons of anarchy to calm down. The same dick. That's your cool down. The same dick. I'm fucking crazy as this fucking guys riding motorcycles. We were just at the comedy store original room. Nothing better than the OR because the OR it's the one like no matter what you say no matter what kind of it doesn't matter how far you go how what you are accepted

warts and all in the OR period amongst that crowd in that room. It's the best. And when your timing is in there. Oh my god. It's it's when your timing is on one of those nights with all the stars are aligned. Yeah. And they get aligned from time to time in certain rooms.

You lift your own spirits up to go into that room. You know the way the buck who's you know Zaini's the other one by the airport. That's Papa's room right there Jack. Yeah. That's my world right there. Zaini's downtown. I love it. But it brings me back to prison.

You know what I'm saying. I'm doing a prison show. Yeah. It's to for some reason my timing don't work in there. You know I'll tell you this. This might sound weird. But you know when I had that show on the air Sullivan and Sunday was so fun doing it. But the few times I've ever felt like a superstar.

It was on a Tuesday night in the OR killer set. And you're just like fuck. That's what that's why I got into this. Yes. Your car you tip back double. Yeah. Yeah. You tip back double.

Go get yourself a car dog. Get the fuck out of my face. I'm out of here. Yeah. I'm getting 15 but I'm giving you a 50. That's how that's how good I do. Let me take my my time on the way out so I don't hit Cork McCallan's motorcycle over. But then I'm going to fucking lay a patch out of here.

I didn't. Victory. And you're going to make a left on Sunset to prove your point. Fuck it. There ain't no bike and cops. It's Tuesday night. It's fucking great. Really is it really.

Oh my god. I love Tuesdays and Wednesdays when you go up there with you got 15 minutes and you go up there with seven minutes of material that you have and eight that you had just been thinking about that morning. Yeah. And you remember to write down. No, it seemed like you weren't. You didn't want to really want to do an hour.

Would you rather do like a 15 to 20 minutes? Oh my god. To do an hour in front of industry. Oh, the worst. On a Wednesday nightly. It's the worst. You always want to leave wanting more. When I go to Chicago or Steve Byrne goes to Pittsburgh.

We do 50 fucking minutes. It's fun. After you've been there two or three times, you get you get local references that you or now you get to know it or you get, you know what I'm saying? Like I did this joke in Buffalo. That's my favorite joke that I've written. That was the dumbest joke in the world. That when you call, you know, you're trying to find the Buffalo.

You call the airlines and they're always like, really? Like they're always like that. Like I always love that about Buffalo. Buffalo loves it. Buffalo is the only city when you call American Airlines and go, I want to go to Buffalo. Like, listen, you don't want to go to Buffalo. Stupid shit that they like.

You know what I'm saying? It's great though. Yeah. It's stupid shit. But after you've been there two or three times, you get to know things. When you're on like a Thursday night in there and then Saturday comes on. That's a great feeling. Go back to the old term.

You got to check in your pocket and you just let them fucking know what the fuck was going on. Even the 730 show, which I'm 50%, are you dead on the 730 shows on a Saturday night? I'm the king of those things. So I know it going in. So I make like a B list of all jokes. I want to try the offensive as shit just to get it out of the way. And I pack them in there like every six minutes. Then I pack them in a little heavier towards the end.

Sometimes you wins and sometimes you don't. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes the words are very important. That's really good that you're smart when it comes to this special. That's why I want to talk to you about it. I failed. No, I completely failed. Completely failed.

Material wise, timing wise. I don't think I could do a 50 minute special. Oh, are you kidding me? You kidding? Yeah. Because I have to do the material in such a way that I really have an hour and 10 of material to do a 50 because of how quick I want to unleash it on you. Right.

You know, when I come out there, especially at the, I learned it at the comedy store. Listen, lesson number one, if you're a comedian, you go to the comedy store. Why? And this is the only thing I can ever add to you. When you're at the comedy store from Thursday to Sunday night, you got to bring it the first three fucking minutes, especially when Mitchie was lurking. Yeah.

If Mitchie was lurking, you had three fucking minutes to kill. Because that bitch could be having a conversation in the main room and she would have this ear zoned into the original room and she would tell you. Yeah. You'd walk back then and she'd go, come here. I did do not feel good. That stupid junk didn't work. God damn it.

Yeah. How'd you know? Dog, it was fucking crazy. So that style that had a jump on people was from bombing. Yeah. I bombed so bad behind Don Marrera. I bombed so bad for so long behind Paul Mooney that I go, this is the only way I can learn to grab the audience.

It's just by grabbing them, you know, keep it going for Steve Byrne. What the fuck is going on with you cocksucker? I'm not going to do nothing, Steve Byrne. You go up there and start dilly down after a really good act. Yeah. And you're just sinking. The clock is on. You're sinking.

You're up there playing around and all of a sudden you losing on the four minute mark at the economy store original room on a fucking Wednesday night or a Thursday. You're done. Yeah. There's no. And I done it. That's what I know from experience. I've done it.

I've done it plenty. Well, that I kind of missed because you don't really bring me to the store anymore because like what we've talked about even working, I kind of like those are my favorite. When you go and it's like it's like eight, it seems like eight minutes. It's just you don't stop laughing. I know people get tired, but I would love to see like, how long do you think you could do a special level of just that? And then just put that out.

It's the internet. Well, what you would do is the way I would do it was open up like that strong for like seven minutes, bring them back to normal. Then you got to go on another rant, which is what Bill Burr does brilliantly. Right. Bill Burr does is the king of it. He does it the best you've ever seen ever right now at this point. Yeah.

He goes on a fucking six minute rant, calms you down for four, finger bangs you for three, and then takes you right back to that fucking place for eight, nine minutes. Now he pushes a little more. Watch his style. He's brilliant at doing it. So the first rant six, the second is nine. Then that third one, he takes you into deep waters.

You know, I forget the one, but he didn't know, you know, he just takes you into that 12 minutes. Then he seems to wrap it together and he gets the fuck out of it. I got nothing against that. That's a beautiful fucking. That's a beautiful system, not system. Say the word for me, Steve. Just the ebbs and flows of his of his orchestration, I guess, of the duration of time that he's on

stage. He really does know how to hit the beats. He knows how to hit you out of the gates and then he knows how to close. He's just I agree with you. I think he's the best. He was always a guy when I started in New York, you know, if I was a freshman, Bill was like a sophomore or junior. And then Colin Quinn, Norton, Voss, Patrice, Geraldo, those guys were all like the seniors

at the comedy cellar. But I always thought Burr was my favorite. And I've told him this many times and he knows this when we used to work danger fields all the time, like, man, you're my fucking favorite comic. And, you know, I'm just a few years younger than him. But I always looked up to him. I still do. I think he's fucking, he's just fucking great.

He's brilliant and he's a great guy, too. Why you brought it up? I gotta ask you next time I go to New York, should I work danger fields? Never done it. And people have tweeted me and said, Joey, you gotta go to the danger field. Saturday, danger fields. You'd kill it. You'd fucking mop them up.

But I would do it once just to say you did it because we, you know, you saw those HBO specials. It's cool. It's still rotary phones, same carpet, same green room, same couches, same furniture, a lot of history. But I don't know the cellars, the cellars. No, that's the McDaddy. The McDaddy's.

But you should do it. You, you would kill, kill. You used to do it on Tuesday nights and stuff like that. Oh God, Tuesdays in front of our people. How brutal. Bombing. Bombing. I mean, just straight up fucking bombing, questioning.

Is this the right move for me? Should I do, because danger fields, the spots are half hour. So half hour, dark room, one light. That's it. And it's four people, two are in the back making out. Another two are just so bomb. They're not even listening and just talk. It's, it's the worst of the worst, but it makes you,

it makes you accept failure so much quicker than any other club I've ever been in. I did nine month term in New York City. What a lot of people don't know is I did a nine month bit of calmly in New York City. From February, from January of 93 to maybe November of 93. I drove a limo. I lived in Fort Lee. I took a bus into the city in the mornings. I sold cars on 11th Avenue.

I mean, and I went to all those comedy spots and New York broke me as a comic. Yeah. I got a lot of you guys. I could tell you any other story. I took a, I took a stand up comedy class there just to reinforce me. I used to do the New York comedy club stand up New York. Oh yeah. Yeah.

I was like in debt, but it was my second year of comedy. Yeah. I didn't really know what I was doing. And these guys were putting me up and I showed up with five guys. So I always had my buddies. All they needed was an invite. Yeah. All my buddies needed was somebody to fuck and invite them to a club.

And they'd show up and they'd back me and I kept going and going and going. But there was that other side that I didn't. In LA, there were coffee shops when I first came there in New York. There were these fucking city places. And there was one in particular that broke me steeper. Yeah. Yeah. Old triple in.

Oh God. Yeah. I know where that is. The open mic started at 12 at midnight. Was that still around? Tell me that's still there. Yeah. It's still there.

The old triple in is still around. I don't know if they still do the open mic. I've done comedy there and I know exactly what you're fucking talking about. So yeah. That's a ooh. That's a that's a yeah. That place broke me like that broke my soul. Yeah.

What is it? It's just a shitty pub. It's a dive kind of bar. But I remember because there was the seller then Boston and then just a few blocks away is the old triple in. And so the guys that couldn't pass at the seller decided let's put the show together. And everybody that was in between spots would go over there. And it was yeah.

It was eating death. But I used to go there at 12 and sign up. And your spot would be at like, you know, 138th. Yeah. And people were coming in bumpier when I couldn't say nothing. And I was driving a limo and I had a grandma blow my pocket. I was dying to do it. But I would not do it until I did my three fucking minutes.

Yeah. You know. And it was just so humiliating to me. Like I wanted to do comedy so bad. Like I was fucking counting on it steeper. Yeah. You know. And I went there one night and I died.

Died. Like I thought I had this brilliance. You know. Yeah. This fucking the guardian angels are back. Time to put your bow speakers back in the windows. Like I just wrote this garbage and I went up there. That was one of the jokes.

I'm serious. Yeah. It was one of the jokes I wrote. Guardian angels are back in New York. Time to put your bow speakers back in the windows. You know. That got a boom. Right.

They got a fucking quick boom. And then something happened one night. I went I like I ate death. Then I went back and I ate death again. And I'm like, I don't know about this. I think I'm just going to sell coke. And then I went back again. And I'm like, was I in there?

And I go, I get it. Yeah. I get. Yeah. And people like, you're not going up. He's doing something. And I watched him for eight minutes. It was okay.

You know what he was doing? There was eight people in the audience. Yeah. And he was doing it like there was 300. Right. And I go, okay, I get it. I got to move to a different place. Do come in.

I'll get to this level. Yeah. Once I saw that. That broke me. Yeah. The behavior how people treated me at the. What's the guy that died? leukemia guy over a fucking.

Allusion. Allusion. Whatever. That that club they they just embarrassed to fuck out of me. Yeah. They might as well fuck me in the ass at that age and put a dick in my mouth. They it was fucking humiliating. What did they do?

Just just just they treated you like shit. You know, and you weren't. If you're not part of the club. Oh my God, you have no fucking idea. When you went in there, they looked at you like if you were going there to rob the place, you know, and you had to sell tickets on the streets. I did it all. Yeah.

Well, wasn't Matthew the same way? It was a different. You know, and it's the level I was at also. Nobody talks to nobody when you suck dick. You know, nobody talks to you when you suck ass on stage. They talk to you fucking once you start picking up momentum. So by the time I got to the store, I had known people. I'd done comedy for a while.

It was a different fucking game, you know, so it all panned out. I've been doing comedy seven years when I walked into the store. When I walked into the old Triple N, I'd been doing comedy 18 months. Yeah. And I've been on stage 13 times. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Well, I had a business card that's a comedian. Yeah. I didn't know the fucking games. You know, like I told you before, man, I was watching at that store that night. You were having a great set. You brought me up and I said, this motherfucker, there's three people in the business that there was two for a long time. And then I saw you that night.

I really, you sucked me in and it was like I laughed, but I felt warm inside. Like I just watched Bonanza. It was like one of those things. Remember when you were a kid and you watched those good American old shows? Like that was what was watching you. You weren't dirty that night. Yeah. You were not dirty that night.

You, you know, you said a fuck, but not dirty. Yeah. You know, there's a difference between going up thing on. I ate her asshole. Yeah. Then saying, I got caught in fucking traffic today and it defends your face and the whole thing. And I'm thinking I'm like Pablo in 2000, you know, in all the years when he was

whacked and stuff, those were the, I used to see people leave there crying. It was like they went to Disneyland. Yeah. It's the best I could describe it. And you have that quality, man. You're a bad motherfucker. I appreciate it, Joey. I know you got to go.

Yeah. Yeah. My wife, my wife was texting me. So I got to do your thing. I love you boys. I love you guys. Thank you so much. You have any days coming up?

Love you, bud. Love you. Love you very much. I'm going to have a spin this weekend. And then I don't know, I'm just taking a little bit of time off because I just filmed that special to be coming out soon and just going to lay low for a bit and get my, get my gears going. But you inspired me tonight to think I got to get back to the store real soon and,

and get back up there and start writing again. So thank you, bud. I'll see you down there, buddy. All right. Thank you very much for doing this show. You have a podcast, too, right? Oh, sorry? You have a podcast, too?

I have a podcast with Gary Cannon called The Gentleman's Dojo. So it's just new and starting. Once I get the wheels going, I'd love to have you on. All right. Say my best to Gary. All right. He's a good man, bro. Love you boys.

Let me give him some shout out to you real quick and we'll get the fuck out of him, Lee. I didn't even want the time it was. We're running late, man. Lee, you're supposed to be navigating this motherfucker. I didn't know he had an out time. You want to eat a brownie, Lee? I'll have another star.

Do you have another star? I got to work some more, so I got to be on the fucking straight now. What does that mean in reality, though? In reality, it means I can only eat like, I don't know. In reality, it means I got to tell me about fucking glasses tonight. I'll have to make it for a shout out to him. Get the fuck out of here. DJ Diggs, Oogie Spooky, MIQ, Tweets, Chris Deep, Renegades of Skunk, Connor is God,

Pat House is back in town, Eddie B and Matt Balthazar, you bad motherfucker. This Friday, the South Point, 220. I don't know about 224. We might have to change that. But listen, my friend, one of my best friends in life is having a show this Saturday, and the second show is already fucking sold out. I just want to give him a plug on this because I love him to death. My main man, Philippe Esparza, is at the Nokia Theater.

If you want to go to the early show with the wife, oh, you're with me. I'm in Vegas. That's right. You'll be wiggling your ass off. I could send the wife. You want to send the wife? She'll go. I could ask her, yeah.

Yeah, she'd love that. Her mom doesn't like the vegan thing, but her mom loves Felipe, so. You know what? Felipe's wife is pregnant, so. Oh, congrats. Go down there. Send the wife down there. Tell grandmother to make a scarf with her.

Get something like a saint's eyeball or some shit in that fucking thing and put the good Malouka. I didn't know that. That's really cool. Yeah. I don't even know if I should be saying it. I think they have a podcast. Yeah, they have a podcast together.

They said it. So it's a beautiful fucking thing, bro. How was your week last week? Good. Everything good in your world? I had a great weekend. You made fun of me, but we went to In-N-Out. I have, like.

How good was it? Oh, my God. I haven't had In-N-Out forever, but it was. How long was the lines? You know, we kind of messed up. We went a little bit later, like nine o'clock. It still took like 10 minutes, probably. But it's pretty cool how I even asked her a couple times.

I'm like, are you sure? Because you said, like, why didn't you go to Stout? And I even brought up Stout. But she just loves, she's from here. She just loves In-N-Out until we had a great time. Let's go over here by the old office. Yeah. Yeah, one there, really high.

Oh, I have a good tip, because I'm always afraid that I'm going to lose it when I'm stoned. Like, I'll start giggling and show myself. So I started listening to comedy albums when I'm driving. So that way people don't know. That's a paranoid idea. Look at you. Look at you and shit.

But, oh, and I, for next year, for people, I sent my mom flowers. And she's been talking about it, like, every day. Like, it's crazy. I've been telling people, like, for the last few days, I always say have a good day to people, like, at stores, because that's one of my, when I worked there. And I started saying happy Valentine's Day. And girls just lit up.

It's like what you said, like, making people's day. Just saying happy Valentine's Day. And I sent my mom flowers. And she's been talking about it for, like, months. So next year, I should say. Fucked up weekend because I went to sleep. Friday night, I got home from working at one. Oh, sure.

Yeah. So I didn't fall asleep till 3 30. So I got up at seven or mercy. You know, and I had mercy the whole morning, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We got to run around. And then we probably got home at two or mercy. I took a nap till like five. So I didn't even get a chance to, I got a record.

That was it. But they were late months. I should have got it. It's so made up. Who gives a fuck? You know, women like when you make an effort. But yeah. Well, you got the car.

The car comes down. It was a fucking car with a thing that spun around. Yeah. But then I spent fucking tons on flowers for Paul. And I was like, it was tiny. I can't get cat. I can't get fucking flowers because of the cats. Oh, I know.

But that's my point then. It's stupid. So I mean, get chocolate or something. But yeah, we were going to go out to eat today and then mercy didn't fall asleep. And we took it to Jiu-Jitsu, which was fucking tremendous. When they gave her the Ghee, she looked fucking tremendous. Didn't they give her a little belt too?

Yeah. She had the whole fucking thing, huh? You know, it was a 330. I could take it to them on Mondays, you know, she's, but she's also tired. So she wouldn't sit down. She was dancing around like a fucking ballerina. Then after 10 minutes, I had to pick her up

and she got hotter and shit. Then she started yelling and screaming. Then we had to fucking take the Ghee off and take her home. Then my wife yelled at me and I yelled at my wife. Then we fucking went home and we played when everything went back with Homo. And she still didn't fucking nap.

She doesn't need to nap. No, man. She's supposed to fucking nap at one o'clock. No, that's what I'm saying. She's just like full energy. She's fucking got to nap. I stopped napping and it fucking destroyed me. I didn't go back to napping until I was 25 years old.

When I did the stripper, she used to make me take a nap in the afternoon. So when I was 30 fucking years old, I never napped in my fucking life. I stopped napping when I was like four. I was running around. My mom was a kid. I had no time to fucking nap.

My dad took naps my entire life. Well, he was known at my house. I used to be quiet. Yeah, because he sleep well at nights. Yeah. You have to take a nap if you work nights. And you work nights. Well, not really.

Some nights I work and I get home at 10.30. That's not working nights. And some nights I get home at 11.30 or 12. You know, over the years, the fucking clock is short. When I first got here 15 years ago, I walked in the door fucking two or three o'clock every night. That's terrible. What about walking in like Steve Brenton's six o'clock?

Can you imagine that? But that's New York City. You can do that. Is that really just New York? You can do it. I can't imagine being out that late here. In 1985 or 84, I was staying out a minimum tour because I liked the food.

I liked the pizza over in the middle of the night. In New York? Yeah, I liked it. So I used to go to different spots and get two, three slices with a soda and take a meatball hero home. And by the time you get home, you smoke dope in the fucking car and you smoke another and eat another meatball hero. I liked all that shit, though.

So I could see and I did blow till late night, too. I don't know. It just it's just been like it's been so long since I stayed up till six in the fucking morning. How bad is some of that late night pizza? I got some of the worst in New York at like five in the morning when I was waiting for a bus. I knew where to fucking go.

Your friends tell you where to go, different spots, and you realize where they're going. Now you start going there. For me, it had to be good and easy to get there. I'm not going all the way to the, you know what I'm saying? Like I'm not going all the way to the Bronx at two in the morning for this life. There's got to be a place in Manhattan.

And my friends always found a place. For years, there was a good spot over on 15th Street by 8th Avenue, by the Honda Place in Manhattan. That's the long gone. These places are long gone. Like I don't know nothing about fucking those cities no more. I don't even know where to fucking get pizza here. I got to go to them fucking mall.

Like like a Gentile and fucking some small city. I got to even Los Angeles. I got to go to Joe's Pizza and fucking whatever. Yeah. That's Stout Burger. You can only eat a Stout Burger once a month. Yeah. That should have fucking killed you.

It's delicious. Oh, good. But okay. They're huge. I love those fucking things. But they're not that big. Like they're not that big. But it's the fucking onion rings and the french fries

with the cheese that destroy you and the beer. You know, who the fuck am I to drink a beer that one? That was dizzy for four days. You don't like beer? I love fucking beer. What do you think I drank it for? But I drank, how many times do you see me drink a beer in five years? Maybe two more times?

That's it. When the fuck do I drink a beer? I love to drink a beer more often. But I got to drive. I got to walk around. I got to do different shit. That night, that afternoon, my wife was driving. So I don't give a fuck.

What's a beer? You know, I'm the co-pilot. Where's the sheets of paper? You give them back to me and shit. It was nice to have Steve Burton here. He's a fucking good dude, man. It was very nice. She's...

No, no, no, no. And I was going to get him in here before the fuck was special. And you know what, man? I miscalculated the fucking the timing. So I felt really bad. I want to get him in here to promote the fucking special. Sometimes you can't do everything. Like my man, Lee, said,

I've been used... Listen, me and these and me been fucking around for like two years now. And I got to tell you something. I wore him before every workout I wore him before. When I find it, like right now I have no underwear on. What the fuck I need underwear to walk down here? I'll be home in an hour or two. Why need underwear for?

But if I'm flying, if I'm trying to be an American, if I got to act like, you know, I know what the fuck's crack I'm lacking, I got to wear me undies. This is the shit I've been wearing. I don't wear cotton underwear. You know, more they creep up my ass, they slip. So whether you're wearing a suit or sweats, you spend the most 24 hours a day in your underwear.

But instead of making a statement, like Superman's tights under his everyday clothes, you run the wear probably fucking boring, right? Well, listen, me undies, they're here to change that shit. You know why? Let me tell you why, Lee, because I got a product called Modal. Every pair of me undies is made from sustainable source Modal,

a fabric that's twice as soft as cotton. They're all their underwear, bro, and they last too. That's the other thing. Usually when I have cotton fucking underwear, my fat ass stretches out, my nutsack drips. These black me undies and the camouflage ones I got are the older ones. And whenever I put them on, those things are fucking tight. That Modal is fucking solid.

You understand me? Nothing could describe the fit and feel of me undies. But once you try them on, you'll understand why they call the world's most comfortable underwear. And if you don't love the first pair of me undies, they're free. No questions asked. And if Uncle Joey likes them, I'm telling you, I never liked underwear.

It says fucking 1981. I was like, why do you need fucking underwear for one? I fucking hate it. And if you don't, I swear to God, me undies is different styles and limited edition prints to help you make a statement with your underwear, right? Whether anyone can see them or not, remember, it's fucking Superman.

You got nice undies. You walk with confidence. You take them off in front of your girlfriend. Let's say you meet some freak at a bar. She wants to lick your nutsack and you got your little me undies on. But bam, here it is. Shipping is free in the US and Canada. And you can save up to $8 a pair with the me undies subscription plan.

So do yourself a favor. Go to subscription of single pair and get 20% off your first order when you go to meundies.com. Either the subscription or the single pair. That's meundies.com for 20% off your first order. It says meundies.com slash Joey. Yeah, meundies.com slash Joey for 20% off your first order, right? So don't mess with me.

It's a new year. Valentine's Day, you're single. You want to spruce up your shit? Go to meundies. Next year, I guarantee you have 10 girlfriends because your underwear will smell good. Your nutsack, the whole fucking thing. Trust me, I'm no male model.

When I sling dick, I sling dick with meundies. You understand me? Who's better than Lisa Ayat tonight? Meundies needs to make that shirt. You want to eat a brownie, too? I have a three. I'm good with a brownie. What are you, a three?

You're in training. This is it. I'm fully trained. This is Israel Week. You got to go deep in the shit. Let me tell you what company I keep hearing good and better things about. And I got to get them to send me more food.

This fucking blue apron. You know why? Let me tell you what the menu was for this week. Chicken schitzel, that's what you call it? Schnitzel. Schnitzel with finger loin, potato salad, center cut pork chops, and warm beets. That's a two person plan.

The family pan is pink, regardless with meatballs and creamy polenta, and sweet and sour cod with carrot, ginger, fucking fried rice. Who's better than that? You can admit it. The last thing anybody wants to do after work is go wait online at a grocery store,

schlep home, cook a complicated meal. And it's expensive. Unhealthy takeout is even hardly better. That's where the new service Blue Apron comes in. All right? Blue Apron delivers farm fresh ingredients and a step by step recipe to your home allowing you to create the healthy,

handcrafted meal at home without going to the grocery store. Dog, you walk out your door and there's a box. For less than 10 bucks per meal, Blue Apron sends you fresh ingredients, whether it's the fish, the meat, the pork chops, perfectly proportioned, making cooking healthy meals really easy and fun.

No trips to the grocery store and no waste from unused ingredients. Plus, you'll want to cook with specialty ingredients that are normally hard to find. Blue Apron is perfect for date night, cooking with friends, and the evil awful family plans with kid-friendly ingredients

so the whole family can eat well and have fun preparing meals together. Each balanced meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving and so tasty you'll never know it. Cooking takes half an hour. Shipping is flexible and free and the menus are always new. They won't send you the same mail twice.

They work around your schedule and dietary preferences and Blue Apron experts source only the best seasonal ingredients for meals like the one I talked about, like the schnitzel or the center cup pork chops. You'll cook incredible meals and be blown away by the quality

and the freshness, all right? Blue Apron, it's the better way to cook. You get home, you got no drama. There's a box, you take it out of the box, you put them just like they tell you. You read off a card. A fucking momo could do this. You understand me?

With one eye. This is why this is good. You come home and you work hard. Less than 10 bucks. You do the two family plan, whatever. Now, you want to eat more? You're a fat fuck. You want to lose weight?

This is the way to do it. Blueapron.com slash Joey. My treat, really. The first two meals are on me when you go to Blueapron.com slash Joey, all right? And as usual, my main people on it. I'm back on the shroom tech fucking sport. I go to Jiu-Jitsu.

I get home, my fucking gi is drenched. Even the knee pads now are fucking drenched. I have to suck 20 dicks on the street to get my knee pads that fucking sweaty. And I'm telling you, I'm dropping weight. Now I'm feeling healthier. I'm moving better. I'm lasting more on the mats.

Today I did a fucking sweep on a young kid. It's working, Lee. Little by little, I'm getting better, better and better. But the shroom tech sport took me the last two fucking weeks. And the immune, ever since I fucking traveled, you know, you got this fucking new kiwi fucking disease going around. Mosquitoes biting your kids with brick.

Born with fucked up heads. Really? Yeah, there's a new fucking thing going around. I don't know the name of it, but somebody fucking sent me a picture the other day of these poor kids and shit that they did. It's like pregnant woman and shit. Oh, I think I heard about that.

Yeah. What the fuck? What are you living in? In a closet? What the fuck is the picture here? See? I don't fucking see how. It's okay.

Let me tell you something. These fucking iPhones, dawg, they don't save shit. They fucking lose my emails. I got to put them on an iCloud. I don't know about my fucking iCloud, dawg. What the fuck? Now, when do they come with all these, by the way, is all of a fucking sudden?

It's so they can track you. Really? Why do I need somebody fucking tracking me? You don't. I got to lock my numbers in. I got to do a thousand things. Leave me the fuck alone. They're worse than the Lincoln's and people.

Those people, when are they going to stop sending me friend requests? If you're on Lincoln, then don't bother me no more. Every morning I wake up, everybody wants to be my friend on Lincoln. They're not bothering you. LinkedIn is making them send emails. I refuse to give anybody even the opportunity.

I'm so pissed off on Lincoln, because it's bullshit. There's people walking around the streets going, oh, I'm part of my business network. No, you're not. Nobody gives a fuck that you're on there. No one gives a fuck about. Yeah, but yeah, so, but they're not emailing you.

They'll friend you once, but then LinkedIn will send you requests for 18 years until you accept it. So yeah, I'm going to, I'm thinking about just getting a football next time. Are you bothering me for anyway? Why don't you just get it? I'm going to break the stop point.

What do you bother? What do you work for? Apple or something? Listen, listen, this Friday and Saturday, I'll be at the stop point, because you know, if you ain't doing nothing, Vegas is the place to be. Not because I'm jumping up and down.

You know what I mean? I have one drink. I fucking buking. But if you're not doing nothing, Friday and Saturday, we'll be there eating cake and shit. Next week, I'm at the Comedy Store and see if we put this together.

And don't forget to go see my main man, Felipe Esparza, the Nokia Theater, Saturday night, early show 730. All right, I love you motherfuckers. See you Wednesday. Stay black and beautiful, you sexy motherfuckers. And please check out Life in Neutral. That's right.

I'm going to Periscope in a second. So get your life together. This show is brought to you by Meondies. Shipping is always free in the U.S. and Canada. And you can save up to $8 a pair with Meondies subscription payment.

Get the subscription or a single pair. Get 20% off your first order when you go to meondies.com slash joey. That's meondies.com slash joey. Show is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients.

You need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two minutes for free. Just go to blueapron.com slash joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. Blueapron.com slash joey and go to honnet.com. You need to go to church to get 10% off

all their optimization products.