Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #358 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: February 29, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey to start your free trial today Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/28/2016.
    

This show is brought to you by Headspace go to headspace.com slash joey and download the free Headspace app right now begin their take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash joey shows also brought to you by onnet.com go to onnet.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like alpha brain and new mood what's happening you bad motherfuckers uncle Joey here good morning good afternoon good evening welcome to the church or what's happening now my main man and little brother mr. Lee sciat here with me it's been a while since we've been on

the last time we were on Tuesday with that fucking lunatic Mike Dodd I want to thank him for coming on the show he came all the way out from New York and we had a great time he was a good guy I haven't seen you you got sick and shit all weekend I didn't feel too fucking good to get the flu shot I never get it and I don't go into nine getting that shit shoved in me it's bad enough we gotta bump into it 18 fucking times you just got to wash your hands you got to wash you know you when you go to a big fucking 24-hour fitness the flu lives in those places they do and I've been like I've been spraying it ever since I had

that fucking fucked up I happen I'm gonna wash your hands you gotta go with it's so weird the shit that's out there now when you have to but they say that putting that anti-bacterial in your hand is also bad for you because it breaks down your hands on the ability of breaking down germs right it breaks down your immune system but thing that blew my mind as I got older when I grew up my parents always stressed covering your nose covering your mouth I see people now just sneezing into the air they're fucking animals we got no class we got no nothing they're fucking animals I see people sneezing into the hand and

opening up a door the thing that gets me sick is when I smoke pot with people that's what always gets me fucked up especially all around the country that's why on the road I can't I can't you know I eat a pot cookie at night you know listen at night when I smoke I don't even get high no more oh yeah yeah like if I smoke at night after a show my adrenaline's so high I'm just smoking to smoke I don't get high till I go back to the hotel room and relax an hour and then I could take two hits off a joint and get high but it's like trying to fucking drink alcohol when you're doing blow you just burn right through the

alcohol the alcohol doesn't even affect you does it burn through edibles the same while you're not really edibles are too strong edibles come and go with me when you haven't done edibles since what we did really Tuesday yeah I don't have them in the house no more I had a bad bags of them I do not have met the house no more me listen we're eating fucking 800 milligrams what's the cheap but you're gonna do at this point the fucking game right 180 you know if you're not batting around me 200 300 400 we got I can't hang with you no more we banged out eight last week we walked out of here like gentlemen I mean I was fucked up I went

home and drooled and passed out and fucking but you know your tolerance goes up so what are you gonna do like today I went over to a sunset herbal and they didn't have any of the punch chocolates oh they had stars and stuff I like giving the stars a break so when I get the stars they're brand new to my system if you always eat stars then the resistance goes down also so if you if they make we legal in California you're still gonna do the medical like to go through the whole process of going to the doctor what would be the difference because the difference the only difference I've heard is that in Colorado

they have very low amounts of THC in the edibles like 5 10 milligrams where in Colorado yeah it's 10 milligrams so that's not gonna do you that you'd have to eat the entire store there's no way that's gonna work when I went to visit Colorado okay I went to the store and I went to the recreational side and that's as strong as you could get because somebody flipped out and put a cape on try to jump off a fucking building or something like that yeah so that's what happened but uh no I can't constantly be fucking high all week so now I spread it around you know I've been I've been noticing that when I eat edibles at

night two things happen a if I'm up at midnight I feel bad for what's in the refrigerator there's no chance those fucking stars will take you to a next look take your hunger to a next level and be I dehydrate while I'm sleeping fuck yeah you do so that means I gotta get up every two hours to drink a gallon of water and that means what comes out of my dick is a gallon of water so that means zero sleep for Uncle Joey so I gotta be careful with the edibles if I eat edibles I gotta eat them like at six sort of about 12 I'm okay so I don't wake sometimes I wake up at four and I'm fucking ham it the room is green and

shit I'm hungry I'm having dreams and fucking cartoons I'm fucked up guy but I'm also thirsty and I dry up so it's like that first night in Vegas I eat two stars before I went to bed big mistake at three in the morning I was right there in the middle of that edible the anxiety in my sleep woke me to fuck up you things hiding your sleep oh my god like a dream you ever it's just anxiety in your sleep you actually wake up and you have a fucking panic attack fuck cuz I ate the edible at 11 o'clock at night that Thursday night when I got in like a schrift that I am like a fucking moron so I four in the morning think about it

four hours in oh yeah it's just starting to kick in yeah I fucking woke me up my heart was beating the regular dry I can't fucking breathe out of my nose I never used to get anxiety but at least like the 800 milligrams I start getting really weird anxiety when once I thought the Paula was gonna have her brother come and kill me just for no reason I was like that's why she's dating me so her brother can come and kill me and I was probably only 500 milligrams that's where I was I was on 500 milligrams in Big Bear with the elevation and I wasn't ready for it all I had like five or 600 milligrams and I was like she's gonna

fucking kill me like as I was going to be you have to be careful the higher elevations man that's fucking great the higher elevations will with THC that's why the plane you get whacked you got no air that was I've only done that once with you and that was fucking scary it's scary it's scary I calmed it down a little bit because I don't have to take a plane down by myself I just to just have a panic attack up in midair and go you have to take this plane down I'm having a panic attack I don't have no I don't have no leave I don't have no at whatever from my nose what do you panic about I have no idea it's different

every time sometimes for me gets this it gets similar like I think people are mad at me that aren't mad at me the first time I start getting the worst panic attacks was when I was going to that kickbox in Jim I'm Burbank Boulevard it's a small place so he used to play music and between the kids going ha ha and the fucking music bouncing off the walls they were going to my ear weird and it would get me a weird anxiety do you know that would you be high or no sometimes I'd go in there high and I'm like what the fuck is going on I have to go out and get air because between the music one time I got a bad dose of

anxiety inside McCormick and Schmitz and San Jose I was in the back of the restaurant and I thought that if I would have walked through the door I would pass out it's fucking horrible but I don't give a fuck listen it's something that you live with you remember to breathe out of your nose you just move on that's what I always do I just remember to breathe out of my nose and see where I am and get my focus and fucking move on why fuck around with it that's all it is I just tell myself that it's the weed you know you you just breathe in that and it just calms you down that's it just keep reading out of

my nose look straight ahead don't look at the floor because that means you're looking from within so look straight ahead and keep breathing and maintain your posture and think of something that you know and sometimes you'll think of something and that'll take your mind right off from you breathing like oh shit I remember I gotta go dry cleaner and also you start thinking about the dry cleaner how close is the five next you know you you got your your center back which is what you're always striving for and at the end of your set at center always swallow really yes what happens when you swallow I forget what

it does for you but it restarts it's like it's like pressing control alt okay so when you swallow like that so that's what I do when I get those anxiety attacks but I don't get no more like that I really have I'm happy I slowed down on the edibles I've been smoking a little more I like smoking really I like animals so much more I've always liked smoking really for since I like the whole what I don't do is smoke joints anymore I don't don't I don't smoke as many joints as I'd like that I like to smoke fucking bats and roll them that's the whole patrol I'm an old-fashioned fucking douchebag man I like everything you

know that's why I tell you my wife last Sunday thought I was upset about something she goes are you upset cuz Mike doubts coming in town I go no as a matter of fact I'm kind of fucking happy he's coming in town because I appreciated him last week I had a good week with him around believe it or not regardless of what he had done or what hadn't done I got a few emails I got some fucking liberals that listen to the podcast by mistake and then went on this documentary and got the shock of their fucking lives and you know hit me up trying to ask me to justify why I would put a person like that on the

podcast you know and I put a person like that on the podcast the same reason why I go on a podcast because it's not about what you did it's about what you did after what it's how you got up you know he didn't walk around in a fucking game he went out then put it on front street man you know so many people do weird things and they get in trouble then they live the charade and I got a hand at the mic he's not living a fucking charade he is who he is he is who he is straight up took him to the comedy store he was hugging people giving us a gauze talking to people he's just one of those guys man and sometimes in life

you know you just do some things and they make you go sour who knows if it was him deep down inside of the drugs or the job or whatever I don't give a fuck it's how he bounced back you know so many fucking people especially here in this town live in a fucking charade you know that that they just live in this fucking Zombo land and some people believe it or not actually wake up Lee some people never fucking wake up you know from Hollywood or from what well you know you have these charades in life when you're younger what's gonna happen you know you watch Pitbull and he's jumping up and down with 200 Spanish

women who or you watch you know whatever whatever your illusion what you grabs you can get one of those drops again and you are my you know when I was growing up I had this name I always had this illusion and then it became a charade it really became a fucking living lie for me Lee you just started believing all this stuff you were saying well no no it wasn't what I was saying and when I was like 17 I got in my mind that when my mom died that she had hidden money and that when I was 21 I was gonna get this money when it was something that it was either the money was hidden or my stepfather was gonna

sell the house and give me this exuberant amount of money that I thought I had coming to me and no one told you this it was just in your head it was in my head it was this fucking thing that just kept me alive it was a lie that kept me alive but at the same time I would repeat it do you remember where it started in my head but like right after your mom passed away or no couple of months later I maybe three or four months later I started doing math and figuring out jewelry and cash and the fucking prudential policy that my dad left and I had all the you know this property that she had in Miami I had all

of this you know planned on my head and it just on every time and I you know every time I get cooked up with my friends I'd mention it that in three years I don't have to worry about nothing I'm gonna be filthy fucking rich you know I think about people who have gotten caught up in the media Steve Reynolds easy had an incident and I can't remember the other guys that had an incident that somebody called them out on this you know I had never called myself on this I mean Lee I believed it I believed it I believed it and every step I still remember I'm going to Colorado April of 83 and like that

Christmas still going I'm going home and I'm gonna go to one and get my fucking half a million dollars a million dollars that's coming to me I really thought and I'm lying to you I didn't put it in my head what had happened when my mom died was that she left jewelry she left his house she left property in Miami and my dad had a prudential policy not my stepdad but my father that she had never cashed and that was supposed to be mine when you die without a will it all goes to your husband she died without a will they were still legally married so I thought that his generosity somewhere in his world he would go hey here this

money's yours I knew for a fact that half the jewelry he wore was my real father's the deal was once I got older he was gonna give me the jewelry back like my mother really believed that you know my mom sold me out at that point but I didn't know these things that does that seem fucked up to wear someone else's jewelry like another like your wife's former husband it was the weirdest fucking that seems creepy it was really creepy so it was supposed to be my fucking jewelry and my dad had left you know hundreds of thousand dollars worth of diamond rings and gold chains and so you know people would come up to me and

go hey man you know that money's yours so that fed my I love when people do that who have no skin in the game start riling you up you're young kid who just lost your mom well I was 17 I still young to lose a mom no no no but at this time I knew better but I got and listen we all make mistakes at least you know I was thinking about Mike that last weekend how this guy's not living a fucking charade and I'm really proud of him and I started thinking over the weekend about the charades that I lived and that like when I became a comedian right by the time I tried to get comedy I could tell you right out you're my

friend and these are listeners and we have family we're all family together on this shit I didn't get into this to be on television I didn't have you know I'm saying where some people will tell you I want to go to Hollywood and be a big time star I never said that Lee and never ever ever did I say anything like that I did comedy as just a last hope you know but there's people I could I was telling somebody I could always tell when some what why somebody is in LA if they asked me about money once somebody asked you about money they're not doing it because they love this game and I didn't worry about money in them I just

wanted to survive that's it I just wanted to survive and not be in prison and just I was I wanted to just live life through the skin of my teeth I would have been very happy when you're a kid did you want to be rich no really I didn't my parents had money my mom had money when I was growing up I didn't like it because I like the kids that didn't have money like I lived on 88th Street everybody on 8th Street wasn't millionaires but they were well off everybody worked everybody did okay I remember the girl I went to school with her dad was a draw animator for Charles Schultz you know all those parents and midtown Manhattan in those

days did something they weren't fucking on welfare is what I'm trying to say right could I enjoy those kids yeah I enjoyed those kids but for some reason looking back at it now when years later I remember how much I enjoyed the kids from 148th Street that didn't have money so when I would go into their homes and see that they lived in nine kids lived in two bedrooms I already I would get embarrassed they'd ask me where I live and I'd make up a story you know I'm saying like I lived there with my cousin and my uncle and my aunt it was basically me and my mom the two bedroom apartment that blew my mind when I first

heard about that about like families like kids sleeping on the couch for like ever like that just didn't compute in my head like I figured at least at the worst people just shared a bedroom I could never imagine I know a family right now yeah a husband a wife a girl that's probably 14 maybe 15 another girl that's eight and a boy that's probably six maybe a little older but they all live in a studio apartment no they don't yes they do at least they have that I guess but Jesus and I've known them since they had no kids he gets rank-controlled I talked time he gets rank-controlled in fucking Hollywood he's got two garages where

he does his business out of and he makes the best of it I mean you got to see this place it looks like one of those micro apartments so what do they do they just have mattresses everywhere they have couches they put beds in the wall to make the kids fun so they pull the thing down he's like a woodworker so it's listen to studios like $550 he's been there for 21 years and it's got a big kitchen and a big bathroom and a big hallway but it's a studio apartment and he took the closet and turned it into something else and then one of the garages is the closet for the kids so before they go to bed at night they go

to the garage and take their clothes out and the fucked up thing is there's a lot of people in other countries that would love to have that so but it's it's crazy how like we get used to things and and stuff like that I can't imagine and and the kids hate it or they they probably have a great time they I feel embarrassed when I go there I try to go there and check them out once a month and I bring the kids stuff and I've known them forever they came to my wedding with Terry I've known them forever he's African she's Chinese she's Japanese my my whole not I guess dream as a kid was to be rich like I look because

I lived in a town like that where everyone else is rich when you say kid the age my parents have a joke that from the age of five or six I was saying I wanted a job an apartment in the car that's I've always been like that and I've always I don't know man I've always wanted to be rich and it's only like in the last few months that I'm like your goals change from being rich like it's it's still important what you have to define okay you have to get a pen and define rich I'm talking like what is rich mansion are you working every month to establish this did you strike oil and somebody gave you $200 million and you

invested 150 million and spent 50 million at home and wife and cars and ranch and I always wanted to be a CEO or something okay yeah just do you just travel into no no this is you're a CEO of a company I always wanted to wear like those blue button-down shirts with a white collar but I like I never felt important enough to wear it like that I want to be that I want to be that I'm a fuck yeah I want to spenders okay that's not anymore but yeah so you want to keep working you know there's people that say I want to be rich to find rich when I was 17 and I had that charade playing in my head that my stepdad was gonna give me an

envelope with a half a million dollars right without knowing because I didn't know that then I would have blown that in 10 days oh yeah you know that define rich what that what did you would that so I want I want to mention you know for me I just wanted to get that money get in the apartment get a fucking badass car get some clothes and I wanted to be the life of the party that's defined rich that was my rich okay my rich was like a like a Cadillac a mansion because all my friends had him like literally everyone in my town had like to make a mansion shit and I had a it was a nice but it was like a two-story house and like a

little landing with the width of the bedroom so it was a great house to grow up in I wanted money yeah like I think everybody wants money I just didn't want the doucheiness and the shallowness and the self-importance that came with it that didn't hit me that's what destroys me about having three dollars that you're supposed to act a certain way or behave a certain way and that's what I didn't like about the assault once I got here I saw all the people you don't know what it's like to watch a movie and see somebody you like in a movie you like them for years and then you get to work with them and you get to work on them for a few weeks and you see how misbehaved they are as human beings and you can't believe that this

has been allowed around him and that you want it to be like him and that you want it to be like it's it's very weird what you bump into once you see behind the curtain back in Los Angeles it fucks you up I always wanted money yes part of it would go to a charity every month I could live off a certain amount every month you know man there's so many things you need but then again at the end of the day there's so many things you don't fucking need like I would hate to have 50 billion dollars and to die broke to know that I could have passed that money on to somebody and help somebody do something you know what I'm saying right and there's always good things you can do with it that it was what you just said about about

people being douchey I didn't realize it until I had a job and I like I worked at CVS and people would come in and be the worst like so I purposely always got jobs in more lower middle class cities I loved it it's and that's what it was it's because I don't know when I'm when you go when you're going to school and though and you're from elementary school they're saying go to a good college so you can get a good job your my ultimate goal is to make money but when you see the way these people act and then you can go and go to the lower middle class towns and see people who are working minimum wage jobs for their entire life so they're not going to have a lot of money but they have so much fun at work they they they invite you out

camping they invite you to their birthday like that's and people in my town would look at me like why are you working over in Maynard or Framingham and like the little good stuff you could do here and it's like I'd much rather like hang out like those those people are still my friends it's I don't know it's and I don't know I don't know what it is about money that does that to people but well you see a lot in the studio city I see it a lot at the coffee shops when I meet people people's behavior you know you just see their certain aura to them you know when you go to the big casinos in Vegas you know I mean a big casino when you're going for a fight or something and you see this guy that walks in and everybody's supposed to that shit you know I like the guy that's a

millionaire that acts like the guy that has three dollars that's the guy I want to be if for some reason I invented oil or some shit and somebody gave me ten billion dollars I would still drive my suit probably you know I would like to dress a little nice with suits or whatever but that will last for a week until I got into a car and rip a pair of pants like a gorilla that I am there's so many things I couldn't be you know I'm saying like two or three years ago I think we were still doing the podcast in my apartment you mentioned that you were thinking about getting a Cadillac did why didn't you decide to do that oh because a guy from a Cadillac dealership hit me up and said that he works in service and they were really bad cars oh okay I didn't know if it was a

money decision okay no no no no what part of it was a money decision I was having a child and I didn't want to pay four or five six hundred dollars for a lease a month I don't I don't I don't have anything to justify paying that much a month for a car for my lifestyle and what I do you know I don't I don't need that I don't need the seven hundred dollar car payment I don't understand that I always wanted a car payment from being in the car business all those years I always wanted a car payment that if something went wrong I could always borrow it for two or three months like I've always said I could come to you and go Lee I got a Subaru can I borrow 248 for two months and I could probably get that from you but if I come to you and say I got a BMW 5 series can I borrow 750 from you for

too much you know it's time to sell that car bitch exactly how many speaking of people living in studio apartments in Hollywood I've how many people have you seen driving one of those cars into a studio apartment or into a I've seen it I see people that fucking drive BMWs and Mercedes to take the train and park on the street little things little things little things that that's how you if you really like that BMW park it pay the park in the fucking thing so nothing happens to your car but you're gonna save 36 dollars a month which is whatever the fuck it is for something a fucking year to have somebody scratch your fucking car it happens all the time on my street the garbage can't taste the garbage they scratch my wife's rental car last week with the fucking

garbage thank god she got the fucking extended payment but that's not the situation at hand at that age at that young age I had already put in my mind that I didn't I would hide the fact that my mother had money when I would go upstairs I would walk up four flights of stairs to go up to Sedenio's house and then open the door and I see bedsheets on the floor and a fan on for the whole fucking room are you fucking kidding me and the TV with no cable and the bathroom was the size it was small in this office nine kids and two parents I had a fucking my own bathroom in 205 West 883 didn't have a shower but it had a shitter in a and a sink I'd have to take a shower in the living room you know by the living room there was a big bathroom you know big you know

but and here I was going hanging out with kids that night of them slept in the living room in the summer in New York City in the humidity with all the windows open with the fire escape open listening to the streets with a fucking fan in the room and meanwhile I'm sleeping on 205 wet at West 88 Street in a double bed with the air on with a TV in my room with a remote control with a string on it in those days what was the string for the remote control had a string really it looks like a cable box yeah okay cable box the old school cable boxes had a string do you know how guilty I felt so every time I went up there I would hide that I had money I wouldn't I wouldn't wear the clothes my mom would buy did you ever invite them to your house not in a million

fucking years not in a million fucking years not till I moved to Jersey that I bring those kids over because I had a swimming pool and by that time the cat was out of the bag so I had my stepdad go over there one of my mom's friends pick them up bring them over to Jersey they all swam in my house two or three times and I loved it by that time I didn't care but when I was eight I was already embarrassed of my mother's money what about when you moved to north bergen and you told the story like the first time you went out and you're in the white shoes and the white shoes I was a whole fucking thing like what does that feel like as a kid seeing all the other kids in jeans and a t-shirt well even then I knew that like when I moved to north bergen the reason why I didn't go out right

away was because those kids looked clean they looked cleaner than the kids I ran with in New York City so I was like fuck these kids these kids are too clean once I went out then got talking to them then I realized they were dirty like me but it took a while but nothing I mean Lee let's pretend let's pretend I get hired for a tv show and the show goes six years do you think I'll get a bmw seven series not a seven but I if before tonight I would have guessed you might have upgraded your car no no no I'll get the best super the highest end super I know in fact I was on the way to wagon next week my wife went away and she got this car back after getting hit the lease is done in august fuck it let's go get a super wagon let's go turn it in she told me this

morning she's taking a bite it out right because she likes the car wagons are great for kids just make sure you can get to see one with the seat in the back if they still have it what's that like they have wagons where they put a seat in like the trunk area so you can face backwards it was the best thing as a kid my brother and I would fight for that seat that was 92 fucking they must have they must have it nobody sits look out the window like a prince oh I love that great cop sucker no I don't know I don't know what's called the way back I don't know yeah no there was two rows and there was one all the way in the back with the seat opened up that way sure I remember fuck yeah they used to put me back there because I get cars that I knew a I knew a family who had that car that

was the way back but no the the outback there's a couple of those station wagons I I couldn't imagine acting that way I couldn't imagine I could imagine having a home a nice home with great security a dependable car for myself and my wife I like my wife to have a help but I don't need two babysitters and two house citizen nannies I don't need none of that shit in my fucking world I don't like people in my fucking house Lee I don't like it I just don't like it let my wife do the cleaning I'll take the garbage out whatever somebody wants to mow the lawn I'm one of those guys bro I don't like none of that stuff I don't like pulling up with a fancy car I don't like people looking at me weird nothing I want to be a low-key guy how are you nice to see you that's it don't

even call me mr. Diaz Joe is fine with me well the fucked up thing is now you kind of stand out more here in LA driving a Subaru than you would driving a BMW 3 Series why is that because there's most of the people around here have that a Subaru a 3 Series or an Audi or one of those things but it's do you see mercy making those noted like noticing money or noticing kids who maybe don't have something yet or or even being embarrassed does mercy get embarrassed she's fucking thrilling she jumps up and down and she says she doesn't even know what she's saying you have to teach your child you have to teach your child to it's something that you teach your child and people listen to the podcast

know what I'm talking about that one of your parents sat you down one day and they have to tell you it's not about that and we don't believe them we don't believe them it takes a certain age where we get hit in the face of reality I got hit in the face of reality about money in 85 or 86 or 87 because what we're told is that you need money to have friends you need money to have a woman you need money to have a good time happiness you need money to have happiness and that is completely a fucking farce that is completely just a fallacy that is completely a fucking fallacy I know people who were broke and who were having a great time and now they have money and they're married and they're fucking miserable how do you get over the stress of not

having money or do they just not have it to begin with like the stresses that come with not having money I think our world our world holds a lot of people back I had stress about not having money that was about 30 years old and then at 31 or 32 something happened that changed my fucking life forever I lost everything when I tell you everything I tell you everything you know when I got out of fucking being locked up I worked my ass off me I worked my fucking ass off bro 1987 1988 1989 so 89 I was born in 63 what's 89 26 I was 26 years old from 89 to 93 I basically didn't stop and two of those years I did comedy you know in 1989 when I got out of that fucking hole I came out with my feet and I planted them and it was all I didn't even

give a fuck I didn't even give a fuck first job I had was probably detailing cars but it took me four days to start selling blah at the dealership I had my own fucking operation I was I was washing cars at some guys for commission plus I didn't I didn't give them their phone I had a pager so I could be a lease house and they would call me and I would just have to leave your house and go to a payphone and call and then I go away yeah in those days there was no caller right day I could say I'm over in the office what's up no we just want to check in let us know when you're coming home on the way home okay bye that's a scam I was pulling but I was leaving that halfway house at 730 and I wasn't coming back till 9 and you know once I got that like the

first day I just went and set the shop up and got the buffers right and the inks right and I made a few calls to fucking different dealers they said call these dealers and let them know that there's a detailer here and they were kind of apprehensive but then I got in my car and I went to all those dealers and started talking to them and within a fucking weekly I was I was I was working seven fucking days a week was chilling out fucking slinging that fucking powder like it was going out of style where do you put money when you're selling coke like do you just hide at places in those days I was leaving at the dealership at overnight because I if they searched me I could only have $40 on me at a time but when you're selling coke you just hide it in your house

you hide at your girlfriend's house you have a partner you hide at his house there's no banks right you can't do banks at all you could do everything people don't know nothing because you keep a day job it's like they said in the 75 okay so you have a day job that day job gives you a check with that check you pay for your bills your credit cards your car payments your mortgage your rent you know that type of shit with the coke money you pay for the extras but you're putting it away you're hiding it people know you got coke money as soon as people buy coke from you they know you're doing something with your fucking money it's in your house league but after you get a certain amount you move it you know what I'm saying you don't want $60,000 in your house

I don't want nothing over $3,000 in my house if I'm a dealer I don't want them I could always I could always say I borrowed $1,500 from Lee and I was about to go to the bank and put it in there I could always say I borrowed $2,000 from Lee and I was going to the bank together in there so you're a busy dealer right it's a Friday night I don't know make $10,000 like let's just say you're gonna make $10,000 that night what do you do do you stop every three and go order someone come pick it up ten grand cash profit okay that's what you're saying sure I'm just making the number because I don't know what it could be I'm gonna probably tell I'm gonna probably sell two ounces and grams on a Friday night okay maybe wholesale whatever two and then sell an ounce wholesale which I still

make maybe a thousand bucks or something maybe 800 bucks or something like that so let's say let's pretend I make $10,000 on a Friday night profit you hide it Lee no but you said you said as a dealer you wouldn't want more than three grand right so you put it at somebody's house somebody that you would you stop during the night and you stop during the night and like go drop it off do you think I'm just trying to like because that's to me you have to be very sly it's a sly life you got to watch who's watching you got to know who knows your movements you got to have a friend that you could trust you know if I was a coach deals right now guess whose house I would hide everything I'm looking at him really

cash scale would you tell me sure I'd pay your rent plus your car payment plus your grocery bills I'd pay for everything I give you two three thousand dollars a month why wouldn't I I wouldn't sell cocaine out of your house I wouldn't have any powder at your house I would just have a scale there with my phone numbers would there be a rule like would you be like there can't be any parties here there can't be oh you got two hundred thousand in your safe you want to have a party there and somebody could take you two hundred thousand now you got to come to me and say hi I had my friends over Ashley and a Chinese friend and now my two hundred thousand why don't but there must be some idiots out there who are just like I had a party man oh no no no no but at least at different levels

let's pretend let me take you back 1986 when I had that I had a rotating thirty thousand dollars in the other house thirty thousand thirty thousand at every at every any moment there's thirty thousand bandaged up at that house thirty thousand the whole time and then I would have a revolving eight or nine on me and I'd put five in there every fucking week five or ten so it'd be up to 40 50 then I'd invest in something stupid like what like I go partners that you want 20 pounds of weed something that would take my time up slowly and give me my return back slowly so I always knew I was making money do you know what I'm saying because sometimes it's just that's so funny that you called like buying a big amount of drugs like an investment sure that's what it is you're like

an entrepreneur partners with you on something so now you come to me you say I know a guy he wants to buy fucking two pounds he wants to buy ten pounds a blow I only have enough to cover four cover six little partners let's do it I didn't do anything I just let you fucking six thousand dollars or sixty thousand dollars and I became your partner there's so many fucking things you could do leave with cash especially now I was stupid and young I just put it under my bed I had it bundled up next door I didn't show it to anybody nobody knew was there I wasn't that fucking stupid nobody knew I had the money my girlfriend at the time knew I had the money but nobody else know I had the money how long did it take you to tell the girlfriend she saw me making

it oh yeah that makes sense you know every time I go over there make one of those trips let's pretend I'd make seventeen thousand I'd spend seven and I'd put away ten and out of seven I'd keep front money again so I'd probably keep thirty five hundred dollars again for my next batch there's so many fucking things you could do and then once Lee I never really made money but let's pretend I'm a guy that's making what do you mean he didn't make money I didn't I made chump money on coke let's pretend you're moving like uh agent Diaz he's making a million dollars a month now we got a problem you got to wash that money you got to figure out how to fucking clean that money you gotta you gotta put bodega's hotdog stands and you're gonna have the most

lucrative hotdog stands in the history of America each hotdog stands gotta make 15 grand a day did you ever do what they did in guru casino no I did it a different way but I never really that's how dumb I was Lee I mean they took the money and went and exchanged it for hundreds I didn't even do that you know I would do it money lend it out I've always loved lending money for juice love it love it see that seems like the most stressful one out there because you have to worry about people giving you your money back no no you come to me and go Joey you know what I want to open up my own studio got four podcasts going in there already blah blah blah blah blah blah what would you charge me

for $30,000 let's say give me $1250 a week until you give me the $30,000 or the $300,000 whatever so I just milk you you just keep giving me $1250 a week for fucking until somebody gives you a lump some of $300,000 then you pay me if they say but what if people don't want to pay I mean they always pay me but no they don't yes they do but all these people losing their houses though oh those people no no I'm not talking about I'm talking about Shylock people well yeah but when you come to me as a man and you go I need to borrow $50,000 I'm gonna pay your interest there's people that make a living people don't want to know a lot of businesses don't can't go to a bank and borrow money so they borrow money on on fucking

juice terms and you got to pay the fucking juice league right now when you see those we think all those fucking things those ads are for get cash quick oh yeah the fuck you think they are they're legal loan sharks oh right right they're legal loan sharks the what is it called the cash checking or all that all that shit they're legal loan sharks legal that you sit there and go I can't believe this is happening tomorrow go to zales tell me you want to finance paul is right okay it's not good idea oh see how much you pay for that fucking doozy at the end if the ring is a thousand you're gonna pay 18,000 oh after three fucking years they pig you the debt on that shit it's 26 percent interest from the beginning fuck yeah those they tell you zero down no payments for a year

oh wait in that first payment it's gonna be a 26 percent interest that's a lump sum jack don't believe the hype don't believe the hype wait they're just giving away charity and we're just gonna give you a fucking ring for paul and get the fuck out of you we're gonna make you pay for they specialize in that shit that's how they get you financing the engagement ring through that well everything is fucking like that like like the flowers at valentine's day and and flights when it's the holidays it's crazy that we let people do this to us like gas the craziest thing I ever heard about gases is like people the gas stations buy it right and then they put it in the tanks and then the gas price fluctuates but if it goes down or but if it goes like down we don't

get the lower price it can still charge us whatever they want higher so like it's crazy how much in other words we're getting fucked at all at every end that's right and once you accept it it makes your life a lot easier than you start to then you have to decide on how many people you let fuck you you understand what I'm trying to say to you that's a complete different story every day I somebody I see somebody on twitter complaining about a different corporation whether it's an airline direct tv uh fucking the cable people what's what's the people who do the fucking wiring AT&T there's always somebody bitching on there for a reason you know they're not fucking around no more and the thing about corporations is nobody accepts responsibility

email us and we'll get back to you email who who my email I don't know email uh problems with terminal whatever it's agg.com and also somebody sends you a thank you for trusting in us you know review of your flight it's in a very we're not going to be able to return the miles and you're sitting there going I sat in there for the nine fucking hours nothing that's what they do nobody who can I talk to there's a general manager who and they put you on hold that hold is a strategy for you to hang up aggravated whether it's bank of america you recall bank of america and try to figure out what's going on with your account bound to whatever and yeah that's an hour every time I get a credit card from them someone steals it that's an hour I've just told them to stop sending it

that's an hour an hour an hour over your day so hopefully somewhere along the line you just hang up and go fuck my thirty six dollars I don't give a fuck anymore this is not worth the aggravation how much money do they make on the mail-in rebates like I like my dad made a point and be like you have to send those in because it's no one sends them in you have to I send them in and they still give you they still give you by the way like the like the card yeah receipt you didn't send them the right receipt you didn't do the right paperwork sprint used to be the king of that shit why some we send you a fucking spade it's 90 days you gotta wait six months for your cash so you're gonna send you gotta wait 90 days before you send them it's not 90 days to get

processed are you gonna wait for your sixty dollars you're gonna rip up that paperwork what am I doing all this shit for no listen uh it's it's you get fucked there's so many different levels and you don't even know it you know cell phone bills this that but the funny thing was what I wanted to talk to you about was the uh what we're talking about in the beginning about charades right the charade I had going on and how I got rid of it you know I had that thing going on for years and anytime I get coked up with somebody it was pathetic I was fucking pathetically I would go on and on and how one was gonna give me half a million dollars and after every shot I would lie and say it was gonna be 550,000 you know and it was and it went on and on and it went

to 1981, 82, 83 and then I came back and at that point I said wow I actually went to see him one day one one I go hey can I talk to this like yeah what's up he goes hey man you didn't send that paperwork for him I go listen don't worry about nothing uh what we gotta do about this like I went there like I had leverage like I went there like I had something coming to me and this was the wrong guy that talked like this but it worked because after that conversation he goes well why don't we do this why don't we look for you for an apartment somewhere around West New York and why don't we go get you a car this week and he goes go find the car I'll put $10,000 down and you make car payments and do you know Lee I looked at him and I was like are you fucking crazy

what uncle Joey don't make car payments I go buy me the car outright and he's like I'm not buying you the car outright I said buy me the fucking car outright or we got nothing what are you talking about that was the end he said I ain't buying you the car outright now you got nothing he was gonna get your apartment in a car at 17 and he said no I was in 17 I was 21 oh 21 Jesus and this is after I sent 80 people to talk to him this is after my mom's friends talked to him this was like a fucking two-year thing and he kept saying I ain't gonna help him he's fucked up I kept hearing all these reports about me and it went on it went on you know once he told me he wasn't gonna pay for the fucking car I told him to go fuck himself and I went on a fucking

tirade jack now it's like he's gonna have to give me a million I'm gonna take him to court I went in my mind on that one and it was just a drunk cocaine ranted lie I was putting through my fucking veins man do you why did you say no it's break time bitches trying to hit this little fucking perennial OG lead did you I know you got the flea didn't get high tonight what are you talking about I'm gonna get high this is a sensational reef like I was saying on periscope the last six weeks I'm gonna smoke in some very very good reef and I sound that's I know that sounds like a very loserous thing to say but I like my marijuana if you drink a good beer you tell your friends man I got this great draft ale last night at whatever the fuck I've been smoking some very

good marijuana I'm very proud of that I just figured I'm happy for you so this charade went on Lee I kept fucking telling myself oh yeah he's gonna give me a half a mil I'm gonna buy a ball oh you should have seen the lies I was telling myself boy who and how and they were this one until 30 this went on till I was possibly no I'm gonna tell you what really happened just to fucking crack you this went on till I got fucking just living under the rocket ship under that rocket ship was where I came to my realization about my life because what was going on with me was I was in pain you know I was uh what's that word I was frustrated and to add all this I added fucking

cocaine to this and then guess what happened all these three things met something that fucked me up Lee reality dog when I was 21 I got a dose of reality that was so scary to me but today I'm happy I got it served to me it was like getting a dish of poison you know I'm saying it's like somebody serving you a bad dish and you getting sick it took me fucking five months to get over that sickness what happened I went off the deep end that's how I ended up in the rocket ship I got hit with a dose of reality I came to the conclusion dog I came to a couple conclusions okay I came to conclusion number one that I wasn't getting no money but now I wasn't a deeper dilemma for the last fucking 10 years I'm telling all these idiot friends of mine I'm getting a half a

million dollars would you say that so now I'm gonna look like the asshole that I really fucking am in the loser that I really am you know I'm not getting no money why have I been saying this stupid fucking lie for for five fucking years why why Lee why don't people do this to themselves here I was a young kid just lying to my fucking self that I had this money coming to me I had nothing makes it easier I think done to face it oh my god when I finally broke the news to myself you know I'm saying like I had to break the news to myself that Joey you're not getting no fucking money it was traumatizing when I got the news that I had to go work for a fucking living it was traumatizing do you think people were talking about it like when you would say

oh I'm gonna get this money and you what you would leave people like he's not getting any fucking money he's fucking living under a rocket ship no because they knew the stories you know people knew the fucking stories about how me and my stepdad and all this shit and but I just couldn't handle I just fucking lashed out and I just it broke me down for four months but that charade did that to me that fucking sure that's why whenever I see somebody living a charade and you know it you know it because you lived it I lived it I lived it and we all live charades at some part all your life or nothing you all go through a little minute of it where you go wasn't what the what am I fucking crazy I'm I just got thrown out of the South Point

if I got banned on the South Point why am I hanging out with Joey Diaz before no but that I'm just saying no no I mean I get it um it's very it fucked with me yeah and then something really weird happened to me after that whole thing went down okay I stopped talking to my stepdad you know I made a deal with myself I said you know what at this point I'm I'm taking the story out of contact because what really happened was I started hanging out with George and George Kaledinsky had a friend named Sammy and one night me Sammy and George went out into the city and we picked up an eight ball and about three in the morning we're fucking having and Sammy looks over at me he goes you know who I am right

and and I go no I don't and he goes I thought that he told you that we our families kind of know each other yeah you're kind of like he goes well anyway a lot of people don't know this but he goes I'm getting fucking ten million dollars when I'm 21 years old just out of the blue out of the blue when he just started telling me the story and how his father was a bookie and it's a true story I mean they even had in the New York Daily News it was fucking real there was a Spanish team that there were a boyfriend girlfriend team that were taking killing people like setting them up and they killed the father in his own house and he hit the alarm and that's how the cops came and but to make a long story fucking short he always said he had a will coming and I remember being

coked up with him and him telling me all this and me looking at this guy and I remember that whole time when I was fucking doing like that was the same story I was telling like that was my violin when we did blow you know that was my little you want me to bring you guys down let me bring you guys down my mom died and I'm getting this fucking money and there was no fucking money but uh you want me to tell you what happened to that kid's money yeah he did get money he didn't get his family got it and his mother donated it to a church fuck you up as a kid but that's a nice thing to do as a kid like you must hate your mom a little bit me or he must have yeah I mean like it's a it's a great thing to do but if you've been thinking you're gonna get 10 million bucks and

goes to the church the whole thing it was horrible for me it was a horrible and that's why when I see people whether it's dead that was a Marie T C I'm minding my own fucking business and there's this girl up there I see every nine months now I should not say this to you people but I have to because I have to fill in the fucking story doesn't matter what color she is or what nationality she is she's not the best looking girl in the world and she's a nosy rosy she's one of those nosy rosy types and she's a comedian and between you and I she's fucking horrendously bad she's awkward very awkward on stage and I've seen her she's been here for 15 years and nothing has happened for her as a stand-up but whenever I see her she always stops comes over and tells me about what

she's doing and I know it's all bullshit because she's living a charade I can't tell her that I mean she's still doing extra work Lee she's still doing fucking extra work 15 years later for 100 bucks a day I don't know what they pay but she's like you know I got I need one more voucher 15 fucking years you've been an extra and she told me she did a movie with like Matt Damon and he told me he was gonna put her in a new movie and she never heard back from him in a new movie shot you know Lee when you buy into that shit and you've been an extra for 15 years do you know what I'm saying I could have said something I won't because she has a dream I can't but at what point do you realize you're running a fucking charade am I supposed to say something I'm not gonna fucking

say nothing about my business maybe people looked at me 10 years ago and thought I was running a fucking charade well like it's I've been thinking about that like at what point everyone's goal is to be successful at what point do people stop like I rented a car and the and the dude who rented me the car was calling me sir and he was probably older than my dad and it made me feel like garbage and I was like what what what age is he okay with being that doing that and like at what age do you admit that you're doing a charade I wasn't doing a charade with Tommy I was just doing commonly with no end I never thought I would have line I never thought I would have line so I always thought it would be like that feature act that would become a great feature

act with no credits or nothing like that but did he want to have line looking back I don't know that's how out of the loop I wanted to be I just wanted to have a fucking job I didn't know if I wanted a headline because I didn't know if I wanted what came with that and when I say headline there's two types of headlines there's a guy that just had line sea rooms and D rooms they're making okay living I'm not putting nobody down but they're very content with that there's guys that do comedy and they want to push it a little further they have a they want to be on sign that live they want to be on mad tv they want to be on a show whatever the fuck they want to be that's why the whole purpose is when you when I asked you people say

they want to be rich again it's just like fucking doing goals okay so you want to be rich and I spoke rich with an hour that's how stupid I am right is that how you spell yeah rich R I C H not W R I C H no you're right rich okay you want to be rich so how do you claim to being rich okay that's what I never knew I thought just thought you became rich I thought I was gonna kick down the door and bump into fucking two million dollars that's how dumb I was that's how pathetic I was all those years like I was like a like a lottery ticket guy like there's a lot of every ticket people who play it for amusement there's people who play a lottery and think they're really gonna fucking win you know Pat Benatar had a contest one year where she was going to get

married in Hawaii I bought a thousand postcards I sent postcards to MTV from every fucking mailbox in New York City New Jersey I didn't even win an album because it was like one lucky win and a friend go to Hawaii 500 people get like an autograph picture and album another 500 people get like a fucking album another hundred people get like a t-shirt I got nothing I swear to God I bought a hundred fucking postcards I'm lying and buy a thousand I bought a hundred fucking postcards and I licked the stank and put them on every one of them I actually thought I was gonna win that fucking thing and go to Hawaii and I was gonna yell at the wedding like an asshole like when they asked if anyone has any thing to say you're gonna say you want to marry Pat Benatar yeah

that's how fucking stupid I was that's fucking so wait and you're playing with a closed door dog I was living in a fucking planet oh my god that between the drugs the fucking weed my fucking single child bullshit I was living in this fucking fantasy world bro and when I broke out of it at like 25 or 26 it was mind boggling how much pain it was to break out of that fantasy world I had this fake cushion I was living Jesus Christ look at that I've never admitted that to nobody like I was gonna go to Hawaii there's so many fucking mind fucks I had there was one particular mind fuck in February of 1984 one of my biggest mind fucks 83 I was gonna

rob this bookmaker who had a closet filled with cashly when I tell you a fucking closet you know those shelves for towels oh yeah living closet we had like fives tens 20s 50s hundreds like in the fucking closet that's my dream okay that's what he had that's what he had in the fucking closet you would go over to pay a bet and he'd make change open up the closet and take the chain who hides money in a closet that's how much cash he had and people knew it it was well known but he was such a badass in my mind I was gonna break into the back fucking window because he went to his real house on the weekend and he would leave the cash there over the weekend he would oh my that was the word on the street that's a fuck that's like a what is that to you

that's like a steak to you I almost that was one time but I sit there and I go I should have got shot but he didn't get his gun oh he was there he was there he even opened the curtain and he looked right at me I had like a half a mask on and at that point I heard the cops I started fucking running I jumped over the fence and I got away from the cops I ripped my hand open and that was a scam I actually thought that I was gonna like move to Jamaica and smoke weed with the stones till I was 90 and you have these illusions when you're a kid I had these and I thought money was gonna solve all of them okay that's what I thought you you bit your nail on the head before I thought money was gonna solve fucking all of them and you know what man I remember getting

out of my I remember getting in such a hole in 90 you gotta remember guys this was a 10-year hole think of not having money for 10 years no money from 1990 to 2000 I basically lived hand to fucking mouth no savings account anywhere nothing and I'm not gonna lie to you in 93 I made money you know 60 thousand one December I made about a hundred grand that year I made some money but from 94 to 2000 comically I was picking up $50 $100 here you know there was a you know in those days a feature got 450 350 250 I wasn't making no fucking money I was probably making less than a thousand a month less than a thousand a month from 95 to 2000 and snort and blow and buying clothes and child

support and just putting it together plane tickets then I met Terry then I met Terry and she started lending me the little money she had we started pulling fucking money together but 2000 I you know I didn't have fucking no money that's when people asked me how long did it take you to make money 2004 I got the longest yard that was the first I mean I'd gotten a few paychecks you know Spider-Man 2 and fucking you got nothing I did a bunch of movies that I got paychecks on that took care of things to the next paycheck but the big paycheck that bailed me out was the longest yard and that didn't bail me out completely that just bailed me out a quarter the rest of them had to suck my dick and so what happened at 30 that you stopped caring about being

poor I hit rock bottom and something I never thought would happen I just hit rock bottom that's it I lost all my credit cards I lost my wife I lost my job I lost fucking everything I had to start from scratch in 1991 in 1993 I started from scratch at the age of 30 so once you have a little dough you make dough you get locked up you sell some drugs whatever now you lose everything once you have nothing you have nothing to lose nothing really affects me now nothing really affects me I keep my rent low I keep my bills low I don't live like a fucking animal you know I'm not looking at my savings account I just don't live like an animal there's a thousand things I could do dumb shit I just don't do it not because I'm

cheap I just don't want to do it I don't understand is it a fear of losing an agenda do you think or not at all I don't do blow I don't do anything and I would lose it but you could lose it a normal way just fucking the economy or fucking I don't know what the stock market we're not stock markets I go out on the weekend and make a living a movie calls me up I get union wages there's nothing I could do about it you know yeah it's gonna slow up it's gonna dry up and you're always prepared you I don't care if you have 20 million dollars you're always concerned if you don't lose your money you lose what you've worked for but that's why you keep working and you don't worry about it I don't worry about it I don't go to Aruba I don't want to go to Puerto Rico I don't want to do

nothing that shit I just want to raise a healthy baby I want to take it to Disneyland you know what I'm saying I wanted to get over this fucking car sickness so I could take it to places beside that you know I'm simple at this age what do I want for 10 years I lived in this hell I thought that you needed money I really really thought that you needed money to be accepted you need money to be liked you need money to have friends you need money to have a woman if you need money to have any of these type get rid of them if you need money to have friends then don't hang out with those dudes you know in 84 one of my biggest mistakes was my friends had money why is that a mistake because every time I ran with them the for the dinner I was broke

I was broke after the dinner never mind the able all the blow when the dancing and the drinks and the Heineken on in the bottom the shots of fucking quervo tequila and you know the parkings and all that shit so when you hang out with people I was trying to be one of them that was part of my charade don't worry about nothing I'm getting 10 million a couple of months I'll be buying champagne for everybody that was part of the fucking charade Lee you've been hanging out with rich people you gotta act a certain way you gotta do things a certain way if they go somewhere you gotta go somewhere they can't know that you don't really get money from your dad they don't know I wouldn't do that I mean either but there's people who do that just to have those type of friends because

that's what I was gonna say the one thing that does bother me is when I know people have money and like when they try to split a check item by item or like they or or real like they get real and especially at dinner that's always when it bugs me like they're like they don't want to pay for certain things or just just split the check it really it really bugs me and it's always those people and those people the people don't don't tip either I've had people with American Express black cards on Timmy Lee that's why they have money because they act that way let me give us some shout outs here real quick ah what are we starting my main man Elliot Frazier Nicky Power Frank Bardiri Bardini whatever your fucking name is you know I love you

suck it yo's parish Mike Chris Zotis Adam St. Clair Josh Stark Christopher Reitz and Paul Vogler I love you guys don't forget San Jose next week Thursday Friday Saturday I think that's the 11th through the 13th then I'm at the Timbler Brewing Company in Bakersfield on the 19th then I'm at the Brea Improd April 31st no March 31st through April 2nd get your tickets bitches it's been a nice couple fuck February was a nice month hell yeah wasn't that bad I got to work on Marin for a few days excuse me we did that show at the belly room last Wednesday thank you for came out how'd it go honest to God I always talk about the original room the belly room is a fucking powerhouse little room it was Steve Simone it was my man Rogan and then I went up

we were out of there by 9 30 Eleanor Kerrigan had a showcase of 10 she was taping up there or something I seen Dice's kids uh it was great it was great it was a great little time that's not the first night you got sick yeah my dad came down there with us uh it was great I have no fucking complaints that's awesome you know I keep it simple Lee I'm getting older I get tired I keep it simple you know the the savage dad too I'm putting the rest of the dates up and after that that's it there's only I got a fill in Chicago which is October I'm only going out two weeks so a month some months maybe one week a month July I got nothing well you're taking July off I think so that should be fun well maybe not you know I'm just saying for right now I got to find

some I don't want to go to these places once a year anymore I want to go one at once every 18 months on my material solid for them so I I defeats the purpose if I go once a year 11 12 months they hear 30% of that fucking material I don't want them to hear that fucking material well like give them in San Jose in about two years or something two years because for a while I was always in San Jose and what you San Jose Sacramento in San Francisco God bless their souls but those motherfuckers drive then they come two months later and I got the same material maybe 20 minutes different I feel fucking insecure I rather you not so from now on I'm only going to two places in the Bay Area if you notice I got San Jose and Sacramento I don't have San Francisco on the books

I might just lay San Francisco one night only at cops like a night before new years or something like that just to get in and out of there real quick just to keep them in check you know I'm saying you know I love San Francisco I really do love San Francisco as a city there's a lot of fucking cities I like but I like I lived in San Francisco so I've always had like this weird attraction to it that night with you with the dude with the dog to me was one of the funniest nights if I have to rank 10 nights in my life that was one of the funniest nights ever to me with that dude running away and then he come back with a dog and he threatened us then the guy would come from the whole town he go excuse me can you guys keep it down we have people inside the guy

wouldn't be in the hotel two minutes I saw young at the guy and come back you fuck if you want I can check I think there's a chance I have it in my email no no leave it alone please that was fucking crazy this with me you the kid from San Francisco I for some reason the last year people been asking me about my life in San Francisco it was fucking wack it was wack it was the wackiest four fucking months from when I was robbing I was robbing people in the building I was fucking selling drugs for Cubans there was Cubans were beating up gay guys it was fucking horrid it was just horrid it's hysterical if they ever make a movie of my life they gotta do those four months as just like comedy it was really straight up fucking comedy league I would sit in a hotel

with a newspaper and wait for tourists to go in and out then I'd follow the maid and take the keys out in those days the maids would go and open the door and leave the keys in the door that's the opening of the movie right there what's that you just sitting in a hotel room just sitting there with a newspaper all of a sudden you walk up find the maid and just go and steal something from the room listen to me in San Francisco I lived in a room that the window faced the alley right and the alley had four windows it was just a shoot and the black guy straight across from me it was maybe five foot six muscle bound but ripped and he would put a thong on every night and he would play uh Stevie Wonder music and just dance in his underwear on top of his bed but he would dance

seductively till two or three in the morning I would open up my curtain he'd be in there then I mean you cannot write this shit Lee I lived in a fucking at the virginian hotel that is now the hostel I was friends I used to double date with the manager of the building and his wife me and my girlfriend used to double date with them and they kept telling me at dinner somebody keeps robbing the building we have no idea how they're getting in we've had about eight complaints we think it's one of the maids it's gotta be the maids who else could it be they got the keys but the maids I would take in the key put open in the door and put the key right back I did this about five or six times Lee do you really rob like one room a day I would play it off

but there was this old guy in the building when I say old he was my age now he was about 50 something and he lived towards the window at the fire escape and he always locked his doors he was a bookie he did those sheets but he never figured out that he lived on the first floor all I had to do was stretch my leg and open his window his window was always open so it opened his window jump off the fire escape and just crawl into his house into his hotel room and I would take some of the tickets and I would take all the cash and he was good friends with the landlord also okay so they were all sitting there going it's gotta be the fucking maid and I'm sitting there with the guy's money in my pocket going

how are you guys doing today it was horrible until I got caught in a fucking hotel room how did that happen I don't fucking know Lee so I don't know I went in the people's room and the people came back when I was in their room so I got the key from the maid opened up that room put it back went in that room locked the door and also I heard the key going there was the people they had come back they had forgot like a camera or something like that well your heart has to sink I was gonna jump off the second floor then they sent the cops and the cops opened up and I thought I said I was scared that I was taking a towel from the maid and they started putting it all together

they caught me in the room this wasn't good I was the last guy they were looking at and this is where you were living to or no you don't shit where you sleep room number one that I broke I was 21 years old I thought I had the world by the balls I thought I'd get away with whatever I wanted to do you should rob your own room in that way it would have made it look like it wasn't you I was in the room Lee yeah but just say like something's just stolen from a room they busted me Lee there's no getting out of it they they busted me and then like four days later I lost the trust of the building a little bit and then four days later the German tourist that I had broken into the room got pissed off because the cops didn't arrest me so they went

to the embassy to press charges so a cop called down there and told the landlord hey is he still there and they were yeah we're gonna be there in three hours to arrest him so the landlord who was my friend came up and he goes hey just to let you know the cops just called here they're coming to arrest you they're getting a warrant because that lady complained I packed my shit went downstairs and got in a bus right around the corner there was a bus was downtown San Francisco Nintendo line I took a bus to Reno I never thought what you about this I think you told we talked a little bit about the bus to Reno and there was a fucking Arabian kid in there and a little fucking cigarette with tobacco hash and weed in there right and this was when Reno was so

backwards that I was trying to get rolling papers and people were telling me to get the fuck away from them because I would do 10 years I'm not kidding you Lee we were talking about last week that's when we're talking about it you're fucked now you should remind me you're the producer this is last week yeah we're talking about this is Mike down how then Reno and fucking at 85 they wouldn't even talk to me I would go into stores and say do you people have rolling papers and they would go get the fuck out of here we don't even want people rolling papers in our store they'll give us 10 fucking years so where did he go from there I went back to San Francisco and just shot right right back to the airport and put my girlfriend on a fucking plane and she

went on a plane and with the pretense that she was gonna send me money to get on the plane before the cops got to me it took her two days I stayed at the airport for two fucking days I lived at the airport waiting before security this was way before security and you could live in the airport for a month and they wouldn't say nothing oh really you just go from terminal to terminal take a shower in there prep your hair I mean there were no showers and they could take a Puerto Rican shower in the sink wash your balls and your armpits and I would shop with food at the airport it was fucking horrible wasn't smoking cigarettes I was smoking weed I would go outside and smoke weed I had a bag of weed with me at the airport for two days I lived at the airport and she

bought me the plane ticket and I came I moved back the boat you weren't worried that the cops were gonna find you at the airport like they're full of cops it was a misdemeanor warning Lee it's not like television where they put an APB on you at the fucking airports and shit it was a misdemeanor warrant can't do you ever get worried about going back to Sanford no there's no warrants anymore oh okay it went away disappeared I paid the fine there was no fucking fine I'm lying to you but I was the one you know this is all part of it Lee this is all part of the fucking shit you know I'm happy that I haven't lived in the fucking fog like that for 30 years no yeah 25 years 20 years let's say I haven't been fucked up on one of those but it's fucked me up a lot it does

and when the cold reality of the end of the charade comes it's painful man you feel like a fucking asshole but not really you feel like you can't believe you pulled the wool over your eyes it's like that it's like it's like my neighbor the one the chick that was dating a young guy and she really thought she was gonna win him over at the end you're gonna be 80 and he's gonna be fucking 50 your pussy's gonna drag to the floor and he's gonna be filled up you know it just some things just don't fucking work it comes up to it's up to you to stop the fucking charade you know what I'm saying like he just that's it that's what we're talking about tonight how you feeling I'm good but it's it's funny you brought that up like I've known for a while that diet soda is terrible

oh the diet soda is terrible for you but like I just kept telling myself like I would stop and then yesterday I didn't have any all day and I felt like I almost had to apologize I wasn't gonna go last night and then I was like wait I haven't had a soda today let me have one and then two minutes I was feeling great I was like sorry I like I never felt that even when I was doing the juicing and I didn't have soda I didn't feel that so you drank the soda you drank I felt I felt great when you drank it yeah when I drank it so I had not like people told me from years and it's terrible I just but like yeah I know and uh but and and my answer was like oh well if I'm everyone I'm gonna get cancer I'll just get it this way but I'm like I I felt terrible

I haven't felt like that in years like I've never have never experienced that I'm not drinking soda yeah I felt like garbage I felt like the flu was coming back you better get your life together you understand me I know it's just caffeine and whatever the fuck else they got in there I don't drink anything else with caffeine though so that's why so you're gonna quit drinking soda yeah continue I'm gonna quit you when did you come to this fucking last someone I when I realized that not drinking one for a day made me feel like I was hegging in the flu again you're not even drinking soda with sugar right no just died just died so that's what like the and people have been telling me and I know and it just and I love it but I used to always drinking the morning

people busted my balls the guy on twitter one day just sent me this fucking thing that was horrific yeah what happens when you drink soda in the morning that was it I was done after that I know I didn't need to feel bad you're still going to subway you still do this fucking nasty subway doesn't I'm not gonna nasty shit we nasty shit all that stuff you're a new man it's little things you got to close little doors before new ones fucking open you keep eating subway when does it end when does it end you know every time there's a holiday you go back to those creepy places it's open all those places all those creepy but you see that all those little wings you didn't see that that fucking wing place we're all rats did you see that article what

wing place no all those little fucking little wing places that you go to what's the one you go to in Burbank Buffalo always they were buying a fucking rat no I weren't yes they fucking weren't all that like I told my wife I was Lisa yat wanted to do a fucking food show about food trucks you should do a food show about where they get sick and eat shitty fuck I don't get sick in places no because you're a billy goat it's when you take somebody normal to one of your places and they get sick to death you've gotten Paula hooked on that she's got one of those stomachs too she's got one of those Mexican billy goat stomachs you got one of those Jerusalem billy goat stomachs and together where'd you eat tacos at today some place disgusting casas del diablo with some shit yeah

because he does taco yeah sure right something normal goes into this shit in blood they yelping they cats they're seeing shit you understand what I'm trying to say yeah I went back to skinny kitchen tonight though how was that it was really good they like have a whole bunch of new stuff what'd you get a skinny kitchen I got a grilled chicken sandwich with a avocado and turkey bacon good yeah it was actually really good they have a whole bar there now they have like a food bar like a juice bar and stuff that's nice you bad motherfucker good month this month good month of podcast I'm happy you guys tuned in it's been weird we got the new studio we finally got the fucking patois of the studio as they say

is shit best thing about the studio is I could smoke fucking reefer I come in here daytime and play fucking songs and shit I still haven't figured out how to work to go pro and sometimes I just come down here just to check because I know Lisa's gonna check out the studios fucking all alone I'm here all day you ain't here yesterday I came yesterday there was fucking people lurking outside the fence you know I gotta watch this place like a fucking hawk but besides that I'm good man I've been uh to jitsu and steady I've been stuck at fucking 299 that's why I didn't eat that fucking cake in Vegas uh I gotta check out my fitness pal.com it's really weird when you when you're responsible for something I fucking for the last year I write everything in my fitness pal

except what I eat after the night yeah I keep that I'm but I never go overboard you know like I eat like uh two apples or are you like a fucking cheese sandwich on a a piece of that thin fucking wheat bread or something like that you know nothing overboard but even my jiu-jitsu is a thing I go to bjjrecordsomething.com breakdown bjj breakdown is it that I believe so yeah rafi's right rafi no no that's a podcast okay but it's bjj breakdown I'm pretty sure no I forget what it is journal bjj journal bjj journal ever since I've been going up you know the first thing I do when I walk in the door from jiu-jitsu is I go to bjj journal and I write the moves down we worked on if I rolled how my breathing was then they have a thing called mat time and you click on to mat time you know when

I fucking eat same thing with my fitness pal and I go through it at the end of the week and I see what I ate and then I remember what I ate that night and I'm like fuck you know and I'm still slayless and we're human plus I'm 53 my metabolism is a lot slower that's what I went online I talked to a trainer friend of mine he goes maybe you have to hit do those hit workouts but he goes I really don't want you to do an elliptical every other fucking day because I told him I was thinking about doing your workout what why didn't he say you wanted you to do that because he goes I want you to fucking do more jiu-jitsu I want you to go and get going the advanced class and roll more and get your heart going that way I rather you don't Jesus Christ just thinking about it gives me the

fucking I want to shit myself but it's it's great to be responsible man I don't know what goals you guys have or what you want to do but log everything down I log everything down you know and it's really weird weight watchers teaches you that to write everything down and you look at it at the end of the weekend you go I went to yum yum tonight two donuts that night and I went to fucking this place and I had a piece of leased cake you know sometimes if it's just two bites of a cake I'll put a piece of cake and I'll take the punishment for the carbs do you know I'm saying like I'll put over carbs and over calories sometimes I go the other day I went to lunch with Terry and I took a bite of her apple pie and I put a whole slice down just to make over the calories over the calories

yeah you know so it's really good if you log you should that's what my what that's what my weight lost stagnated really is when I stopped doing my fitness though yeah no what I do comedy I write every set how I did and what's the new joke I tried and what I think and I've been doing this since 1997 I'm gonna go on 20 years next year do you have all the notebooks I have the notebooks I go all the way back to 2004 Terry wants to kill me they're in a box and I looked at them I also had my auditions on record and the main sheet I read I have all my audition sheets I'm sure a couple of them are missing but I still got my sopranos I still got my men in black audition I still got do you write down if you get the role or something I write down if I get the role how

my audition went how many times they sent me to go into read what I thought you know when I go into an audition I look at it three different ways because I look at it for the initial read the producer read then the network read so I prepare the sheet of paper so I'll take a piece of paper and I'll put lines through it and put like the name of the project is Gabriel the casting director is Mick Foley the date and then what I'll do is inside I'll go to a separate page and I'll put the date of the audition the casting director who's directing it I'll see what else he's been directing the style right if it's a TV show it really doesn't matter because every three weeks a new director comes in if it's a network show so it's not like he's gonna imprint this style but I always

look to see if he's done films to see what style of shooting he's got and I write all these variables down and I write the scenes like let's say if I have to go in an audition and there's three scenes I don't I write what the what is the scene saying what the fuck is going on so wait so like let's say you get an audition for a movie and you've never seen any of the movies this director has are you are you YouTubing clips of it or are you sometimes sometimes I just wiki his films and just see what who we worked with what genre where he came from you know and does that change how you plan to audition yes so can you like two different directors like I don't know Spielberg versus Tarantino okay let's say like I auditioned for Spielberg once and it was on tape but they this was so

fucking a bad ass that they called me you had it when you got the audition they gave you a number you had a call okay got a call to the casting director and she'd tell you exactly what he wanted and how he won and how he did not want the improvising he wanted you to three of three scenes down so this is how to prepare him just to save you energy do not improvise do not go off book you know he know off book means he wanted you to be off book no glasses no improvising no none of your own words this is how he won it was for the show 1010 oh right show 1010 it was me Sharipa and some other guy I think the other guy got it at the end uh you know I auditioned for Gus Van Zandt he did you know he was doing a Travolta movie but now he had done like uh the movie about

the junkie with Matt Dillon up in Portland Oregon I forget what the name of the movie is he did that I look at all those to see what genre what I could get away with what I could say oh if you work with that guy I admire that guy so maybe I could you know I'm saying so that gives me a little insight into the project but I write everything down so when I go on in there I know this project now in scenes I just drew an audition out that I had I don't know how I put in this notebook this is for a pilot a CBS pilot okay now this first scene in this pilot is scene number one so it's two pages and so what I do is I read this scene scene number one it's this whole audition is seven pages

so it's probably three scenes so this is the scene when I come into the donut shop and Arthur owns the donut shop and Franco is his assistant and you know it's what happens in the scene I write it down what really happens in this scene so if I come in here and I say to you listen I got an opportunity of a lifetime what's the opportunity Joey I'm gonna give you in on my new fucking project what's the name of the project dick sucking dick really how much money do you need I'm looking for three million dollars even if we have a 20 minute conversation I don't give a fuck about the conversation I want to write what's the fucking patois this goddamn scene what is really going on so that's what I write for scene one scene two and scene three

so now when I go in there no matter what happens I know the character and I know what needs to come out of my mouth do you follow me because I could tell you fuck you 80 different ways right so no matter if I fuck up on it I'm not really gonna fuck up as long as I know the character that I'm reading and what direction where I'm going in this scene and once she's feeding me lines you follow me so the first time I go into the audition I know the lines but I'm a little loose and I take instruction if the director like what does the show on HBO that the guy's in love with his words so was Milch on NYPD blue he was in love with his writing you were not allowed to improvise in the audition they wouldn't even look at your tape

a lot of a lot of writers don't like you improvising this shit yeah I can see you in person okay so some but some writers don't give a fuck but you got to know that going in so these are the little things you find out you should always do a little research before you go in and you call people or how do you find that shit out IMDB it's gonna say they don't like this no well let's say that uh it says on there I go oh my god that guy directed Mars in the movie I'll call Mars oh okay okay so I'll call somebody who worked with the fucking guy and I'll find out all I can about him what's the rumor what's the interviews or whatever you read up on the guy there's a show on HBO about about I don't even know what the fuck it's about but I went to read

instructions where they do not add a word into it there's some auditions that don't really give a fuck what you say but that's how I have every the point of this was I have everything on paper Lee I could tell you how many auditions I went out for in 2008 I could tell you how many auditions I went out for 2009 I could tell you how many commercial auditions I went out for 2009 how many you understand this makes me stronger now I know were you doing this when you had no money yes I was doing this in 1997 well I did have money I had booked a Taco Bell commercial but I figured I wanted to do 300 sets a year Jerry West took one of the greatest shooters in basketball used to start his day with 300 jump shots a day so for some reason I had that number 300

so my thing was to do 300 sets a year that means basically if you do 300 sets you have how many how many days in the year 365 so you have 65 days off so that means you have Sundays off and a couple extra days but you should be on stage all those nights right yeah because it's 52 weeks in a year there's a guy who did that thousand nights in a row of comedy yeah yeah no no I did 80 90 when I was first starting I'd do 80 90 six seven months in a row every fucking night you just went on there and found where there's an open mic you didn't give a fuck what do I care open mic go down there's three people with a ukulele or some fucking well I used to do spoken word open mics in Seattle there was a place on a

Thursday at seven right by the house now we're going in do seven minutes of comedy and you wrote down all those sets I would love to read those but has anyone ever seen them my wife maybe but she hasn't looked at them directly you could tell the ones that I wrote when I was coked up you could tell the ones that I wrote when I was straight you could tell the ones that I wrote the day out because what I would do is sometimes I would write the set before I left so if I knew how to 1145 at the comedy store I'd write February 28th 1145 comedy store and I left the notebook open so when I get back in the door I just fill it out you found something I tried a new joke I bombed next time I shouldn't go out there this strong

boom do you ever review these or is it just the actor I look at the month I look at the months now I look at the months what does that mean you do an overall month I look at the month review yeah what does the month review say I should get on stage more like this month I should have got a stage a little more I think I did like 18 spots this month which I should be doing 25 right now that's what record keeping does to you record keeping for per and even for weight you know I gotta start doing it for workouts that's what I was doing it for workouts that's what you gotta do when you get a notebook and log down Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday and then write four days of this out of the seven days you gotta do four days of 40 minutes

on a cardio and out of that you gotta do four days lifting weights okay and this is like I don't have itself discipline or commit that's you have to write everything down the power of the pen is so fucking important that'll make your head goddamn explode if you couldn't write all this stuff down what would happen I don't think I'd be as effective as I would because you have nothing to draw from you have no guide I can't I can't gauge what I'm doing and you have to write in there subjectively and honestly like I didn't do well tonight you know I just didn't do well my timing was off you know I read one from the reason why I'm talking about because I wrote I wrote the one at the end of the month I wrote the one from

valentine's day where I wrote that I said fuck a woman in the ass too quick on stage I said at three minutes in why would I say something like that little things I write when I fuck up like that so I read it and I think about the fuck ups I did I can't listen to myself that would really hurt my feelings this is the closest I could do but I have to be brutally honest with myself if you're not brutally honest with yourself when you're record keeping you're just cooking books you're just cooking your own fucking books so why are you even doing it if you just tell me that you did great every night I did great I killed I let that room on fire maybe in your world I let that room on fire but I did a set that I had been doing for the last three weeks I gotta knock that off

you follow me that's what I write man where did this come from was this when you learned when that was this when you learned to write your goals down or you I learned the comedy on my own the comedy and the acting I learned on my own I like looking back at things I like looking back at things and see who you read for oh my god I have a relationship with her it's very important I learned this from telemarketing I learned this from calling people and not remember why you call them and when you call them and then saying Pete you called me last week fuck you know I didn't write it down so when I call somebody now I write uh uh 2 29 16 2 p.m. I spoke to Lisa at and we discussed uh next call I don't do this anymore with calls don't trust me I'm not selling

nothing on the phone but if you're doing something on the phone you should keep this so when you open up to his file at least you know your conversation with him right no yeah it's it's interesting when like hey if you have repeat customers you should have three or four notebooks at all times one for your weight you know well I have my fitness pal and that's for what I eat and then you know the jujitsu whatever it's for when I the most important thing I do on that is I write the move then so remember to move put your hand down do this and I also uh I write the uh the amount of times I learned a month and I try to beat the time before you know because that's what you're always trying to do when you work out you're trying to beat the month before you're always trying to do

something better the month before so I don't know I don't know where I got it from especially if I I need to try it for the comedy I don't know where I got it from but I know it helped me tremendously over the years because I really it really fucking let me know if I was slipping you know it's your own little bible and at the end of the you just close it and then you look at it two years later and you go Jesus Christ wow do you just get high and like read through years of stand-up sometimes sometimes sometimes it's painful I was reading through uh Christmas of 2003 in Houston Texas and you could see where I was just a mess I was writing sideways I would write jokes on the paper I remember those nights anyway like I said man this is what this

podcast is about sometimes they're funny sometimes we torture league sometimes they torture me sometimes we say shit and sometimes we just uh you know disclose things about your life that this is how you fucking do it Lee you keep a record of everything I don't know why I started the comedy it's really weird let's give a shout out to our sponsors and I'll get you motherfuckers out of here you know I do it now I'm not gonna lie to anybody when I wake up in the mornings now I sit and I relax with no music on no sound and I just let my mind go and sometimes I get on the floor and I breathe and sometimes I just sit there and just breathe and feel my internal uh no matter how you look at it it's a form of meditation you know

let's be honest most of your problems start with your mind fear anger stress anxiety depression sleeplessness they begin in your head but they can wreck your life it doesn't have to be that way you can make a major difference in just 10 minutes a day all right 10 minutes a day this change comes through guided meditation with the new headspace app you can show it what are you talking about headspace is a meditation made simple okay it's guided meditation that you listen to whenever you want wherever you want right on your phone computer or tablet meditation is rooted in thousands of years of traditions with thousands of scientific studies that show its positive effects like improving focus relationship harmony and decreasing anxiety and stress you know for me between four

and six in the morning is when my head is at peace I have to get up breathe calm it down and that's when all the ideas flow in my head and whatever and I just sit there and again it's just you and sound that's it nothing else again meditation is rooted in thousands of years of tradition so do me a favor join over four million users already getting headspace for free for free right now do me a favor download the free headspace app and begin their take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation and headspace.com slash joey the headspace take 10 program is 100 percent free way to experience the benefits of meditation and you're busy modern life we're busy we're busy you click on to the headspace app 10 take 10 program try it out for 10 days of

guided meditation at headspace.com slash joey train your mind for a healthier less stressed life start with your free trial today at headspace.com slash joey again that's headspace.com slash joey and also do me one of the favor please reference andy pedicombs ted talk which is already 5.5 million views all right andy is the founder of headspace and the voice you hear on the app you don't need to you know loads of time in emigrate to Tibet andy did that for you this guy was a monk for 10 years he really knows his stuff 10 minutes is all i'm asking you to find but it takes a little effort it starts with you so you're having problems you're not focusing ba ba ba ba ba boom go to headspace.com slash joey and get your free trial today all right try the app out it's tremendous

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fuck you are you know we love you cock suckers my man down in austin with crystal my other crystal that sent a basket bobby sherman fucking ukie and my main man talking there had a security i love you cock suckers stay black i see you wednesday have a great night the show is brought to you by headspace go to headspace.com slash joey and download the free headspace app and begin their take 10 program and the show is brought to you by onit go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products