Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #359 - Brian Scolaro

Episode Date: March 3, 2016

Brian Scolaro, Comedian and the Host of the "This Is My Podcast" podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box.   Recorded live on 03/02/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free, just go to blueapron.com slash joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's blueapron.com slash joey. This show is also brought to you by Naturebox. Head to naturebox.com slash joey right now and get the right snacks for 2016. Go to naturebox.com slash joey and they're offering 50% off of your first box. That's naturebox.com slash joey to get 50% off of your first box.

And go to honnit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the right optimization products like Alphabrain and Newmood. What's up, Lisa Ayat? You bad motherfucker. Brian Scalaros here. Hey. And we're back, bitches. The church of what's happening now, Wednesday, March 2nd. Can you fucking believe it's already March? No. Where the fuck did it go? March 2nd. And they even gave you an extra fucking day in black history month and the month still fucking flew.

It's March 2nd. Yeah. You would just sit at home in Long Island or Brooklyn and where would the fuck do you go for Florida? Where'd you go this year? Uh, what? I mean, just for work? No, for the holidays. Oh, New York.

New York. Yeah. Right? You were just there. Yeah, I was just there. It felt like it was fucking three weeks ago. It was three months ago. That's it. March fucking 2nd. And, you know, in what 13 days your taxes are due. Everybody's walking around right now sweating.

Everyone's depressed. Depressed and shit. It's all over. The party's over. What are you going to do? Go down to the IRS office, give them a little down payment and make a fucking payment plan. And you know what? They'll carry you for 20 fucking years.

Those cops suckers. They're the best. They didn't know that. The IRS is, it's, bro, I thought I was, they were going to throw me in jail. I went down there and they had like named the price. How much can you give us? And six years later, my debt was gone. Wow.

Pretty amazing. Sometimes when you look at debt, you go, I'm never going to get out of this. Yeah. But you put your pedal. I had another loan from my cocaine years that me and my wife paid $6.36 a month. For how long? For 72 months. Oh my God.

Did you know that? How happy were you when that was paid off the last time you sent that check in? So it was $6.76, $6.26, two car payments for a while there. We were running on fucking high fuel, man, before the baby. Way before the baby. 2009, 2010. And then we started doubling up on the six to 40 payments. We're like, fuck it.

Let's just stay home two nights a week. Because you do the math of what you really spend and you really can't believe it. Nobody really looks at what they spend a month. Theoretically. You look at rent and car payment and you make some fictitious fucking grocery bills. But then you look at what you eat out. We never add up the eat outs and the dry cleaners and it's fucking, you know, it's like when you go on a trip, he's going on a trip this week.

I love when Lee goes on a trip and he comes back and he goes, fuck. God damn. Well, I don't do hotel though. They charge me $15.95 for wifi. And I'm like, dog, they bang you out at every fucking level on a vacation. Look at how many people are mad at Disney. I'm surprised right now fucking their white people that want Isis to hit Disney. They raise their prices.

They raise their prices. Isn't it already like a hundred a day? It's the low end is one so five. Let me get a tissue, two tissues. It's a 118 during the holidays. Listen, you look at the number 118. Most Americans make $300 fucking dollars a fucking week. Wow.

118. What if you have a family of four? That's almost 500 before you even. I didn't know there was going to be math. That's a nickel. That's fucking the hotel. That's the food because, you know, you got to pay for the kids got to fucking eat. Yeah.

You know, whatever the fuck you get down there. Yeah. The American family doesn't have a chance in this country anymore. The American family doesn't have a chance. That's why these children are whacked. You know, you have to put them in a fucking daycare. The daycare bangs you out. You know, the parents, there's a day.

There's a Puerto Rican daycare right down the block. I've been watching them since I moved in this neighborhood. She's the nicest lady in the world. She's probably got five kids over there. She's got two instructors and three little kids who hold their hands and she walks them around the neighborhood in the daytime and she takes them to the park. All right. You know how many times I've come out in the comic store at midnight and I've seen parents

come out of there with two little babies. That means they work the double shift like a Spanish family. Right. Like they live there. Each parents have two jobs. Yeah. That's what they have to do. That's what you have to do.

And that's the American family today. So when do you find time to raise your children? Right. When do you find time? Fucking two days a week? Fucking two days a week. That's what you find time now to raise your children. It's a very, it's a sad situation, Joy.

It's fucking horrible. And now I feel like jumping off the terrace. But it writes, look at the baseball seasons coming. What's the average fucking ballpark ticket? When I was a kid, it seemed like I went to a baseball game at Will growing up in New York. Yeah. When I was a kid, I would go, hey, man, who are the Mets playing today?

Oh, shit. They're playing the Cincinnati Reds. Bro. You know what? Let me ask my uncle if he wants to get tickets. The next thing you know, you were at fucking Shea Stadium and it didn't fucking kill you. Yeah. Nobody complains about prices or hat prices or t-shirt prices.

It was just something very simple and very American. I think that, look at the Lakers. You lived here. How many, how long have you lived here? Almost. Oh, I think just past six years. Six years. Yeah.

Yeah. I think I'm at 15. I'm at 19. How many Laker games you go to Bryan Scalarra? Nice. How about you there at Tarzan? I've never even been in the Stable Center. I've been to two Laker games, maybe three in the 20 years I've lived here.

Is it because I'm cheap? Is it because you want me to tell you the truth? I can't afford it. I can't justify that. I can't justify paying 160 and sitting all the way up in the fucking top. Yeah. 160. 160.

Not $63. Not, you know, $74. You know what? You got two tickets for $74. You know what? You don't go out to eat twice that month. You don't go to a lunch one day. You fucking, I'll do the $74.

I'm looking at my receipts all the time now. I'm like, all right. What did I do today? It was 15 a Taco Bell. There was six. I got cigarettes. There was 12 for gas. I'm doing all the math.

Oh, then I tipped the guy. So that's all my credit cards. That's going to come out in two days. So I got to know that that's going to come out in two days. That's all bad things have gotten for me. That's what we're going to talk about. I haven't been to Disneyland since 2003. I have not been to Disneyland since 1973, guys.

You haven't been back? Never went back so far. Now that I have the baby, I have to go and I'm fucking dreading it. Because it's everything I do not believe in. I think they have something like a fast pass that you just have to get now. Apparently it's just and even then you're not getting to the front of the lines, but you're skipping like the four hour line. When I got my car, my dealer said he went and he was there for like eight hours

and went on like three rides. And it's just and then they have a season pass, which is however many thousands of dollars. And that still has blackout dates, which is fucking. I can't believe it. I'm not cheap. I like having a good time, but I don't like getting fucked in the ass. And just as my friends go to Disney, Damon goes to Disney.

When him and his girlfriend were just dating, they go to Disney once a week. He was getting passes from his mother and shit. He's just a Disney type of dude. And then he had Dominic. He started going down there once a while. And then he had the other kid and he's like, Joey, I'm done. 95 fucking dollars. And that's the thing.

Like you hear a complaint a lot about like, oh, parents are leaving kids with technology and kids have too much technology. But what are they supposed to do for one ticket to the for like two tickets to the Lakers game? They could buy a PlayStation and give them the NBA, 2K, whatever. And then they could play that. So I think that's what probably a lot of parents are doing. It's just cheaper. I cannot believe how many Nick games I went to growing up.

I can't believe how many met games I went to a lot of that games growing up. I can't believe how many fucking giant games I went to towards the end. I didn't go to football games. Young. Young, it was primarily the fucking Mets. Yeah, for me from from six, five to fucking 12. I was at Shea Stadium 15 times a fucking thing. Yeah.

73. I went to the playoffs when the Cincinnati Reds. I mean, that type of shit. Like I went to that games with my mother. I'm just saying 15. It could have been 30 more than that. My mom went to a lot of that games. Were you sitting red or blue or green or orange?

We would sit on the wherever Rusty stop plate on the other side, like five rows from the first base. That was her fucking ticket constantly when she went. That's nice. That was it. It was opposite Rusty stop. So Rusty stop play. She was a pitch hitter.

Right. No, Rusty stop played right field. Right. Yeah. So when she would run back, she hated him. He dropped the ball one time. She lost a thousand bucks. She never forgave him.

So she couldn't deal with Rusty stop. Nick games from the age of fucking 10 to the age of 25. I went to average, average, average. I think you're saying average. Five Nick games a season. And that's fucking low. Because I used to go to St. John games. Right.

You know, I would go to a bunch of games. If there was nothing to do, Lee, I'd look at you and go, what do you want to do? You want to sit in this stupid fucking bar? Or we could get three joints, go into the city, go get a couple mugs of beer to fucking ball a gentleman. It's got a hot dog. Let's go to fucking that game.

We're home by 1030. What's their feelings hurt? You smoke two joints. You ate and you fucking jumped up and down. You go home. You don't even have to stop at the fucking bar. I loved it. I know you guys probably did it earlier than me coming from New York.

But the first time I ever went to family park by myself as like a high schooler, getting to go to this like family park and see a game along without parents was like the most I still love family park because of that day. Certain things that take you to your childhood. I used to go to movie theaters all the time. Me too. Me too. Once a week I'd go see a movie theater.

Listen, a movie theater for me was like a closet. It was an hour or two of imagination because even if the movie sucked, your mind went somewhere. Yeah, yeah. Your mind went somewhere. As a child, I don't remember many child, many movies that I went home and I was upset with. No, I really, me as a child now.

Like there was a lot of movies that were a little too hip for me. Right. At the time like the movie Tommy, Tommy with Elton John and Eric Clapton and Pinball Wizard and then Margaret and all this fucking. But as a child, I went and it was too hip for me. There were just some movies that I didn't really catch. I caught all the black movies. I caught all the shops.

I caught all the super flowers. I caught, you know, and we want to see Predator. The movie broke and then we came back the next day to see it fixed. We paid twice. We probably could have got free tickets. And I think about, I'm just starting to say who would say movie. We would see the same movie in the same week. I would see the same movie three days in a row if I enjoyed it as a child.

It was only like five dollars. It didn't fucking bother me at all. I don't know this. There's people like, well, I can watch one thing, one thing and I'm done for. No. I was going to ask to borrow money. So that's why this is awkward. What's that?

I was going to ask to borrow money and that's why this is awkward. Oh, who are you going to borrow money from? I was just going to ask you. No joke, man. You just really fucking stoned. You just killed me. Are you really stoned? Yeah.

You really fucking hurt me. Good. Good. That's what this hash was for. You should have seen Lee sweating profusely. Oh my God. From my head everywhere. People don't do this no more.

People don't do this no more. Smoke hash. And you know why? Because it's all fake hash. Remember a couple of times we tried it in the hash crumble? This is real. When he gave it to me, he goes, this is the type of hash you're going to fucking love. What does it mean when it crumbles?

It crumbles is not real. It doesn't have that fucking... It's the exact opposite with cheese. The exact opposite with cheese. This is fucking... When it's solid and it sticks on that thing, that's real hashish, brother. Yeah, that's a problem. This was...

We used to do this in the villa shed when we were 15 in the wintertime. And we'd go through an hour of this with a big fucking glass. You got to do this with a big glass. That's when it really puts you on a different fucking planet. Because hash and marijuana are two completely different things. If I was to come in here for three nights in a row, Lee, with just hash, and we'd do this, you'd call me after three days and go, it's been weird lately. It's been a little fucking weird.

I'm hearing sirens and shit. Hash takes you to different fucking places. One thing, you sleep a lot better. Yeah, that's going to be fun tonight. And the other thing is the higher levels of concentrated THC, it really loosens your muscles. It takes all the acidity out of your muscles. That's why Bruce Lee ate a lot of hash. This is what they don't tell you.

That's what he told me. It's like eating lettuce, they say. Lettuce, take the acidity out of your muscles. Same thing with THC. It relieves a little soreness. I'm always fucking sore. The THC doesn't even work for me. Here's what I was worried about doing that.

As I was coming down there, going to the glass, I was like, is there something about science that I don't remember where if there's smoke in a glass, the glass could explode? So as I was coming in, I was like, this is going to blind me. I was like, this is worth it. But that's what I thought was the panicky thought that I had. That was pre-hash. Have you ever had a fire blow up on you? It's scary.

A fire? Yeah. Maybe like in a campfire? Yeah, I had a fireplace blow up on me. Wow. And I had the gas on too high and I just went, I was worried. It was the same weekend that I got my second stye. So I was worried that I was going to have no eyebrows, but only burnt a little bit of it off.

What did this happen recently? Yeah, black bear. That's crazy. So the fireplace blew up on you? Yeah. You didn't know what you were doing? No, I didn't know what I was doing. And there was no instructions.

And I literally turned it on like two, like half in it. I must have done like one full rotation or something. And I just lit it and I could just see it coming. And I was just sure that my whole face was burned off. I was a little bit high and I was like, my face is gone. I can't do the podcast anymore. Joey's going to kill me. I was sure that it was just gone, but it wasn't.

But, um, how like, you weren't chubby as a kid though, Joey. But like, were you chubby? Because I was chubby and I love movie theaters. Like just going aspect all day there. That was my thing. I was always skinny until the age of 11 or 12. And at 12, I gained just chubby weight. But then once I hit 14, it just flew off.

It was like the big thing before the evolution. Like I gained a bunch of weight and then it all fell off. I stretched seven or eight inches and it all fell off. Then I started whacking off. And that was the end of that. But that was the only point. And then I started getting heavier over the years. And I would just go on diets and lift weights.

And I'd lose the weight real fucking fast. I think I was able to do that twice. And at this point I'm like, well, fat, let's stay for a while. You know what I mean? Everybody's like, don't you want to lose weight again? I'm like, ah, fat's just here now. When did you do the first diet? I wasn't even a diet.

I just exercised a lot in the late 90s. There was a period where I lost 40 pounds and then there was a period where I lost 50. And, uh, but there was fat. So it was, it was a growing fat. And then it was weight loss. And then it was growing fat. Like, uh, and then there was weight loss. Like before two of the TV shows.

And then now I'm like, well, I'm fat again. And I just kind of do this and do this. And then my body's like, I don't really want to do that. I'm just giving up. Fat's here now. Joey, this is fat. Fat Joey. Fuck him really stone dead.

That's okay. I'm not mad at you. I've never gotten mad at anybody for getting too stoned. That's just the way of life. That's it. People get insulted. Like he came out of my house. He was giggling uncontrollably.

Then you should not put a gun. Then you should put on cartoons and give them chips. I love getting too stoned. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with having a THC accident. I fucking love it. I love getting up in the middle of the night. I love getting up at like 4 30.

Right. I'm putting coffee on. Yeah. And just getting a bowl and start hitting that motherfucker. It might 10 out of 5 you like, I'm gonna predict him. I got two options here. I could either make the rest of the day fucked up to the gills. Just ruin my day.

Or I could take a power nap right here. One of these THC eyes. I'm still gonna wake up fucked up. Yeah. You're still gonna be high. But that's what happened. Did that happen last night? No.

One night last week I got up in the middle of the night and got sizzled stoned. Sizzled. I fucking passed out for four or five more fucking hours to eight o'clock. I couldn't believe it. I love it. I love when I just fucking pass out heavy because there's some nights. Once I go on the road is where my sleep pattern gets fucked up. And listen.

That's true. You could eat bad. You could smoke cigarettes. Check. Check. Check. Fuck with your sleep. Fuck with your sleep.

Yeah. Sleeping is, if you're gaining unexpected amounts of weight, check your fucking sleep. Check you really sit down and go, what time did I go to bed the other night? My biggest weight gain moments was when I was not sleeping. When I first discovered the sleep apnea, then I said, you know, I had always done blow. I can't blame it on the blow. I had always done blow. Once I had to sleep apnea to the blow, my insomnia went to a different level.

And the weight gains were 40 pound weight gains at a shot. They weren't even four pounds here, five pounds there. You were buying jeans in March and in April, you're two inches from closing it. That's abnormal. That's abnormal. You know, your pants could be a little tight or whatever, but you buy jeans. They fit you in March and in April, you're two inches away from that D date. Nothing you could do.

Pins, fucking elastic. I mean, it was fucking crazy. I did everything. I used to have to buckle my jeans when like they weren't like they were just around my legs and then pull them up because I was refused to get bigger jeans. I was like, there's no way I'm buying bigger jeans than this. So I would just do it and like I would be in pain the whole day because like the buttons would be like getting into my skin.

It's terrible. Right. I don't think I'm going to argue with you guys here, man. There was a time I just bought sweatpants. In 2001, after the Best Dance Sports Show, when I was like 370, there was a company called Big Daddy Clothing and they used to come to the comedy store. They were friends with Steve Simone. The guys were from Philadelphia.

Everybody's friends. And if you were big, he would give, send you boxes of clothing. And at that point I go fuck buying clothes anymore. I'm just in a snort coke and keep getting clothes from Big Daddy Clothing. And he sent you the clothing on one condition that you put it into movies or television integrated. So I could wear my shirt on the Best Dance Sports Show. So he would send me boxes, Lee.

Lee, I think I just threw away the last pair of Big Daddy sweats maybe four years ago. How comfortable were they? Oh my God. The shirts. They used to make basketball shirts for fat guys. A little bigger around here. I think there's a video on YouTube of me and one of those Big Daddy basketball shirts. I love that.

I threw that shirt away and it was fine. I just got rid of it because I loved it too much. It was just when I lost 100 pounds, it was swimming. That was the shirt I wore at 418, 415. And now I'm trying to wear it at 300. I was swimming in this fucking thing. It was like a 6X basketball jersey that was cut just perfect for me. I loved it.

But what are you going to do? You lose the weight. You can't hang on either way. It's great. It's fucked up. It's fucked up when you... I'll wear pajama bottoms now, dude. I'll wear pajama bottoms to the store.

Okay. It bothers me that girls and kids can wear pajama bottoms in stores and I can't. I'll just go. I figure as a fat guy they're not looking at me anyway. And I'll just shop at pajama bottoms. And I know people can notice that the plant type, they're obviously pajama bottoms. But LA, I feel like this is the only place where it's not completely horribly disgusting. Where do you live?

I live in Hollywood. Okay. So what store do you go shop? I mean, I'm just going to... You go to Rock and Roll? Oh, yeah. I've seen you on Rock and Roll Rops. That's right.

That's where you go. Yeah, yeah. Rock and Roll Rops. That's a good fucking rouse down there. You can walk and listen. You can walk in there with a grenade strapped on your butt with that rouse. And they don't bother you. They don't give a fuck.

I remember going in that motherfucker. I shop there all the time. Oh my God. I used to go in that tent or two to buy booze, to get coke. You ever go in that tent or fucking tube when they're about to close rouse? Well, there's one way. They're open. When people...

When you buy booze at rouse, that means they fucking chased you from the nearest liquor store. If you know that rouse, there's a liquor store. Yeah. 40 yards away from there. Yeah, by the Wendy's. By the Wendy's. No. And the other way, there's one both directions.

Rock and Roll Rives. Right across the street. Right across the street. And right the other fucking way. No, no, no. I got it right there. Oh my God. I used to do some creepy shit in that neighborhood.

Why do they explain to people why they call it Rock and Roll Rouse? It's like an interesting store. It's the Rouse on Sunset Boulevard. And it's across the street from the Desert Hotel. And the guitar center. If they had a fuck... Well, it's close to the guitar center, but it's across the street from the Sunset Desert Hotel.

I guarantee more blow jobs have been given in that hotel. I went to a couple of little cocaine fucking parties in that place in the heyday. It was tremendous dirty. You could... You'd smell like feet and pussy in the room and cologne. Fucking dirty. But Rock and Roll Rouse is a Rouse open 24 hours. And it's in the heart of fucking Hollywood.

And it's not as bad as like when you're from Rock and Roll. It's not as bad as people think. It's clean. The Butch Department is immaculate. I know everybody in there. Producers good there. Producers good there. I mean, that was a great fucking Rouse.

And across the street, it's just a fucked up neighborhood. And right before I met Terry, like 98, there was a dude who used to do headshots for us. So what you would do in the old days was you go to La Brea and Sunset. And behind the Chinese restaurant. Oh, the one next to El Pollo local. Yes. What's the name of that restaurant? The Chinese restaurant, I call it.

You're right. But they got something... Not bad. When you first arrive here from LA or whatever, it's not bad until one day you just get sick of going there. But behind that place was where you developed your headshots. And then you walked down, you hit Rock and Roll Rouse and across the street, they opened up a headshot place where you went in there and brought your headshot.

The guy made 100 headshots for $69.95. And in these years, there was a war going on on Sunset. War. There was 20 of those places. There was also JJ Beepers who went to JJ Beepers and shit. The King of Beepers, JJ, the King of Beepers. And you went in there and he got your beeper for $6. That was with JJ Beepers for 20 years.

And something happened. Oh! Cell phones? No. I would tell you what happened to King and King J and J Beepers. He was Heidi Fleiss's partner. Really? Yeah.

The guy's got arrested. He fled the country. And J and J Beepers fucking closed down. That was the war for JJ Beepers. Interesting. J and J fucking Beepers. And if you kept walking down, there was a little print shop in there. And if you went in there, there was this wild looking white dude.

I mean, when you walked in and you saw him, you noticed like this motherfucker is wild. Good looking dude. Not like he had a nice body when he was younger. Right. At this point, he was like 50 and he had his hair comb back and he had an airing. And you'd go in there and he was always dynamite to you. But he had a great dog. And then he had a great collie that you'd play with.

But the best thing at the store was his fucking life. She was Chinese, but she was like fucking banging fake tits. The whole thing, you know, just beautiful face. Right. New York City raised. You know, I used to have conversations with the both of them. Nice fucking people. And then he died.

Like over the holidays, when he died, they closed. I wasn't there like January. They were closed. I went in there. She was fucking crying and shit. She was all upset. And then one night, like a month after I got all coked up and I actually walked in there at 10 in the morning.

I was going to see if I could get in and suck my dick. That's how crazy I am. I was so embarrassed and then I went back. I asked her, you look good today. When was the last time you got a stab? And I was fucking fishing. I was so fucking embarrassed and never walked back in there. Did that line ever work?

You spared no fish. I don't fucking know Lee. I hope it did. It was 10, 30 in the morning. I did like two eight balls by myself. I jerked off 18 times. I was looking for anybody to suck my dick or give me a hand job or anything. How fucking embarrassing am I?

That's a crit. Listen, that is, I lived in some crazy fucking neighborhoods. I was telling Lee that they killed the hooker. Outside that built me with Ralphie May and Charlie Ferdig used to live. Oh please. They found the hooker out there. That's an interesting neighborhood. That toy is there.

So that's there till two in the morning. People eat that fucking Thai food and they start kickboxing themselves out there and kicking themselves in the head. Up the block is Chibo. I go back to when there was nothing there. Except black hookers would be on those fucking corners. And let me tell you something. You know that 7-Eleven bike curse on?

Yeah. The one you stopped at a lot. Okay. Let's pretend in those days. Right. Let's pretend in those days. Okay. You were driving and you said, wow, Brian, you thirsty?

And you go, yeah, Joey, let's stop at 7-Eleven. And you put your blink on and made a left within three minutes. You'd have 10 cars on you, 10 cops on you. And they'd fucking pull you over and ask you if you were there for prostitution. They threatened to take your car. So if you look at the signs on sunset, you're not allowed to make lefts after fucking 10 o'clock. Yeah.

What the fuck are you talking about? You can't take lefts on sunset? After 10 or 30 or something. There's another street like that. Yes. I'm dope. Who the fuck do you think you did? At least I am.

I'm telling you. Don't fuck around on sunset. There was a block on sunset that they would wait for you to make a left knot. And years later, I saw them. I saw how they'd do it. They'd sit by the art gallery. There's an art gallery right there by motherfucking coaching horses. And they would just wait for you to make the left.

They'd be sitting back there. They'd have like four cars, like cabs. You know how cabs line up like that? Ready to shoot right after you. Who the fuckers? Who the fuckers? Jesus Christ. There's on another street as well.

So I don't think it's just sunset unless there's other streets. Well, there's the one by Curson. Then there's the one by Bank of America. There's a couple streets on sunset that you got to read the fine print. You make a left turn. There's a copper run. You get pulled over. They'll put you over on the Friday inside.

They'll put you over after 10.30 just for spite. Right. Just to see if you're carrying a machine gun and three fucking Isis and a kilo. They don't fucking know. I always feel bad when I see someone getting pulled over. I just think that whole day is ruined. It is ruined. It fucking is ruined.

It's a big shock to you, man. It's a horrible shock to you when you get pulled over. It's a horrible shock when you get an accident for people. Even a tap. You know, even a tap on the 101. You know, embarrassing that you're sitting there in the third lane. You can't turn your hair on. It's August.

People are driving around. You're giving you the finger. Beeping at you. You're going your fucking cocksucker. Because that's what I do to people. If you're in the third lane broken, I'm going to fucking beep around you and call you a dirty fuck. You have to, but what is it like? I also always feel bad when I see like cops with people with the handcuffs on,

like getting padded up and waiting. What is that like getting handcuffed up in public? Well, this is what happens. You're driving your mind in your own business. Okay. It's a beautiful day to be fucking alive. And all of a sudden you get pulled all by a cop. You don't even see.

You're driving the 39 and the 35. What are you doing 34? But it's a school zone between two and three. And you're not supposed to do over 20. That's the one I got nailed in. I was doing 34, but you're only supposed to do 20 from three to five during the school. I didn't know that. They pulled me over and guess what?

I had gotten a ticket a few weeks early and didn't pay. That's what happens. They fucking blew your car over. They tow it and they put you in a fucking cop car and they take you to the cop thing. Did this just happen? No, no, no. This is... Can you guys give me a ride home?

You're fine. This is 20-something fucking years ago. Yeah, I'm good. This is when I first moved to Boulder in 1987. Okay. I'm sorry, people. 1987, when I first moved to Boulder, I got to Boulder in November of 1986. And in January of 1987, I was driving down Isis or whatever the fuck that wrote.

Iris, Iris. I was driving down Iris in North Hall in North Boulder. And I was doing 34 and a 20 and I got a ticket. And the guy gave me the ticket and I threw it in the back fucking seat and didn't pay and forgot all about it. Now, let's fast forward to March 17th, St. Patty's Day, 1987, which is probably two months after this, I got weed on me. I go to pick up weed and I take a car out and it has from the dealership and it has

sale on the windshield. You can't drive with something detracting your fucking glass. Didn't you know that when you took it out? What the fuck do I know? You're in a dealer plate. You know, it's three in the afternoon. You're going to get a bag of weed. Who's following you?

Who's going to pull you over? I don't know. Well, I found out the hard way. I got pulled over and the cop goes, guess what? You got a warrant now for your arrest. What happened? What happened this night? Because I got to arrest you, take you down to the station.

You got to go in front of a judge. God damn it. Again, he takes me, tows the car. Great cop. I had no problem. The whole time I got weed in my sock. I get to the fucking station. He takes my fucking shoes off.

He makes me take my sock off and the weed falls on the floor. Son of a bitch. He picks up the bag. He smells it. He looks at me. He goes, it sends to me. Yeah. And he walks out and an hour later, I get charged for a warrant.

I get out the ticket and no mention of the marijuana. Yeah. That's lucky. I was my first. Wow. That was my second contact with Boulder police. So this whole time I'm in contact with this cop. I'm thinking to myself, they have a warrant on me for credit card for it.

Because the first time I had gone to Bolton 85, that's where I left. I left Bolton August of 85. I returned in November of 86. And there was no warrant. They were just looking for me to question me when I got pulled over the first time for the ticket. And he took my license. I'm like, I'm going to jail for that fucking credit card, Sam.

That didn't happen on fire. But it's so crazy how life goes to repeat itself. The cop that was investigating me for the credit card for it disappeared. Like when I was getting the tickets and shit, I'm like, this motherfucker is going to walk past me in a uniform. The whole two times I was in, or the one time I was in Boulder jail, he didn't walk past me. Nobody walked past me.

I didn't see any cops. They're at a different fucking height. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. But when I got arrested for the kidnapping, he was a detective on the case now. So that's how I know about karma. He didn't get me with the credit cards, but now he was trying to get me for the, he was one of the investigating fucking detectives on the kidnapping. And the beauty was that I would sit next to him in court.

And he'd look at me and I'd eyeball him. He hated me, but he never figured out why he really hated me because of the fucking credit card. He just couldn't remember. I would sit there and go, when is this guy going to figure out that he was looking for me two years later for something completely fucking different? Do you think he's staying at home? Do you think he ever figured it out?

He must have one day. He didn't figure it out. He was too fucking stupid. It's a crazy story, man. It's awesome. Look at the shape of you. I know what I'm saying, but I was really alone the steps to the story. When he got to the end, I was like, that's really great.

I didn't know it was you. It's a great scene in the movie. It's not that he didn't know it was me. He didn't need to know it was me. He was beating me. He got me for this kidnapping case instead of a fucking stupid credit card thing that would have got nothing. He had me.

I was just waiting for him to go, oh shit. I got to go get a file. You're the same motherfucker. What the fuck are we saying? Let's tag on this fucking, let's tag this fucking beat, beat the credit card to the kidnapping. He never figured it out. But what I was wondering, it's a great story.

Yeah. It's a great story. What does it feel like in public with handcuffs on? If like your friend to drive by or like these people, like just driving, like you're saying for an accident, people slow down and I see people slow down and there's people in handcuffs. You have no idea. You have no idea. No.

You have no idea. You have no idea. First time I got arrested was January 29th of 1983. I got arrested for possession of stolen tools and Roger Holloway's father, Timmy, who listens to the show still, his father, Bellman. So now I'm arrested to take it to court to make Bell. That's what that's called. You're the court and you go in front of the fucking judge and the judge goes, how do you

plead? You say not guilty. And boom, Bell is set at 500 miles. Mr. Holloway bailed me out. I still remember, you know, walking out there with those handcuffs on. The feeling, I don't know. It's not a good feeling. I'll tell you that much.

It's not an embarrassment feeling. It's like you're subhuman. When they put handcuffs on you, it's to let you know you're a fucking animal. Forget when they put shackles on your feet and you're tied to hate other guys going into court. You're a fucking animal. That's a great bit, man. I don't even know if you should make it a bit.

What do you call that shit? It's like mentally beating you. It's like letting you know. When you have handcuffs on, I'll tell you what it was like to me. It's like letting me know I was really different. Yeah, it's insane. It made me feel like I was really different. Like, okay, now this is real.

I'm one of them. But having handcuffs on with a cop and talking to him and him taking it to the station and getting fingerprinted, that's one thing. Walking out in a room in front of your closest friends when you get arrested for burglary, like I did, or stupid shit possession, you know what, man? It's cool for fucking three seconds. And then it's not cool. Like your friends overlook it.

Like your friends go, ah, you know, let's go for a drink and blah, blah, blah. But I wish they didn't at that age. I really wish they didn't. It's not like fucking good fellas. Like they're waiting for you outside. He just broke his cherry. That's fucking horrible. That's fucking horrible, you know?

Every time I got into one of those situations, whether it was in Boulder or Denver or fucking Seattle or, you know, I always felt fucking horrible, you know, just horrible. When I got arrested for the kidnapping going on in front of my girlfriend's dad at the time, and handcuffs with an orange fucking suit on. And then looking at you with this look of nobody's mad. They feel for you. They feel for you. They're like, Jesus, what is he going through?

Is he eating? Is he getting beat up? Is he getting fucked in the ass? I mean, what the fuck is going on? All these things, my God, I can't describe the feeling when I went to court and they were like six years' department of corrections. Take them into the back, in front of your fucking head. And then, listen, let me tell you something.

At that time I was in front of my girlfriend, her mom, her dad, her sister, her brother. These people were Gentiles. This is not a world where they had even ever touched themselves. So this is like a family tragedy for this white, poor family, you know. Were you trying the whole time to pretend you were like them? Was this your worst nightmare for them to see this? Pretending you, I don't understand that. It wasn't my worst fucking nightmare, Lee, but I wouldn't want you to see me in handcuffs.

It would break my fucking heart for you to see me in handcuffs. I wouldn't like it for strangers to imagine people. Oh my God, for you to have to come and visit me? First off, if you came and visited me the first time on the drive home, you're going to call Paul when you go, I'm not even going to pick you up tonight. I got to go figure something out because my friends in jail, you wouldn't, you couldn't. That's why I don't like that shit. I didn't like that shit when I was younger, how it weighs on your friends.

All those calls and all that. Listen, 95, I got in trouble in Seattle and for a month I tormented Josh Wolk. The reason why I love Josh Wolk with all my heart and I treat his kid like a fucking nephew is because of what he did to me in 95 and he never judged. He never judged. That takes a different fucking animal. This is something that happened and we're going to move forward. Last week we had Mike Dowd here from the 75 and when you get arrested and you get let out,

the treatment you get along the way. It never changes. People always say that everybody hits you with that bullshit line. You're innocent until you're convicted. Innocent until proven guilty. Let's stop it. All three of us have convicted people in the court of moral judgment. Our own moral judgment.

All three of us. And half the people listening to this fucking show, we've all convicted people in our heads. Whatever it's called, moral court. You've got to be honest with yourself. That's the scariest thing about jury. Having a jury trial, you have all these people who have all these preconceived notions. There's no way you can. It's all that shit.

You have no fucking idea. But nothing bothered me more than when I got sentenced for the kidnapping. Three of my friends came out from Jersey. Duffy, Tommy Russo and some other kid. And then Georgie got a plane ticket from the state because he was a witness in the trial. He was a witness for the sentencing. So, you know, like it bothered me that I got arrested in front of my in-laws and here I was getting sentenced. But it really bothered me that I got sentenced in front of my three buddies from Jersey.

Like my three Hudson North Bergen buddies, like it killed me. Like I couldn't even look back at them. Why did they even come? Because they're old school. This was three guys that I never expected would come to support me. And they showed up. They called the night before so we got an ounce of coke. We got some money.

We're coming over to fucking party and then we're going to court with you in the morning. And we pretty much stayed up till five. We got two hours of sleep and we went to fucking court. And they came. Now, what do you want me to tell them? Don't fucking come. Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know.

This is it. You know, when you go to fucking court, when you go to court to get sentenced, you reach out to everybody, anybody you've ever had contact with. And you go, listen, man, here's the deal. I'm getting sentenced April 8th. I need you there. It's at nine in the morning. I can't miss work.

Listen, I'll give you the 90. I'll set it to you. I nickel a month from fucking prison. But I need you there because the judge looks at that. The sentencing judge looks at that. You show up with 60 people in 300 letters. That judge has aspirations of political. Every judge has aspirations at political aspirations.

So when a judge looks at the people who show up for you, he looks at them as votes. And each person is worth 250 votes. When you die, Lisa, knock on wood or me or fucking whatever. When your family goes to the funeral parlor, they'll make 250 mascots because they assume that over your life you've met 250 people, co-workers, you know, what, ex-girlfriends, people you get familiar to, you know, whatever the fuck. So that's the same way a judge looks at a defendant. Interesting.

I don't think I've ever heard that angle before. That's why you have to have people send character letters. Judges read three of the letters and then they get it. If there's 100 letters, they read four of them and go, I get it. Each of these letters is 250 fucking people. So he has to make a decision and justify it in court in front of them. So they go, we understand. So you got six years and they give you four.

This is what these letters do when they say consideration. These are all things that are into consideration to a sentencing. It's really interesting how it works. Last week, Lee and I were talking on the phone about the OJ thing. There was an episode, the one last week, the people against OJ. Are you watching it? Yeah, it's great. It's a second episode.

The second episode was all love. I watched the second episode maybe nine times. I just watched it last night. It was crazy. It's crazy. And we called each other. His girlfriend is studying at USC to be a lawyer and she's taking a bar pretty soon. And that's probably the only thing we haven't come in our love for fucking law.

Like I love all those shows. Like I love all that type of, you know, how they pick the jewelry, you know, that whole, it's a scam. And looking at it now, you understand that money will get you out of any mess because they showed up with the fucking Yankees. That's all that he did. OJ sent him to show up with the fucking Yankees. And I'm talking about what's the best Yankee year?

I don't know. Name it. They showed up with them. Three pitches, 20 game winners, you know, four dudes, batting 300. It's one of those years. He showed they couldn't even deal with them. They didn't have the state of California. They didn't even have the manpower to fucking deal with the city of Los Angeles.

It was too overwhelming. You were dealing with five geniuses. Well, Kardashian was a moron. The Deutre Volta's plan is a fucking moron. Barry Shek is a fucking DNA genius. F.B. Bailey. F.B. Bailey is a fucking criminal genius. And the black dudes are fucking genius.

And the two black assistants, they're savages. You know, F.B. Bailey used to be Sammy DeBull's attorney. Sammy DeBull used to deal with Sammy DeBull. It was like fucking Armani suits or something like that. When I was a kid, my mom had an attorney that that was what he wanted, suits. Because he wouldn't buy them. It's a ride off. I don't fucking know.

I don't fucking know. That's me. But no, you like law and how law is a setup. It's a setup. It's a genius setup. Three guys getting together and going out. We're going to fucking raise the doubt. That's the beautiful thing about law that you have to just, what's it called?

Reasonable doubt. Reasonable fucking doubt. And that's it. And getting to the logically American fucking jewelry and getting to six of them or seven of them. You fucking got them beat. How they picked the black jewels. I can't wait till that shows on every fucking Tuesday. I mean, I cannot wait.

I still have to watch last nights. I wake up in the fucking morning with my dick card on Tuesday mornings, knowing that at seven o'clock I got something. And I'll watch it at seven with the kid while she's yelling and screaming over it. Then I'll watch it again. And then when I get back from the comic store, I'll watch it again that night. So I'll watch it three times. It's pretty fucking good. It's that good.

Especially if you're a law buff, man. Listen, I watch those law and orders. Even as a kid, I liked anything that taught me something. You know, like I learned a lesson. I don't want to see two white guys beating up on black guys and put them in a cop car. There's no fucking, there's no education and that shit. But to see, like to learn something. And then over the years I became a criminal.

So I learned the other fucking angle of it. I got an itchy fucking ear. Whenever I forget to Q-tip my ear after I take a shower. I have mildew in my ear. It's not mildew. It's like an itch. Whatever the fuck. Who gives a fuck?

So I just watched the second episode last night. And that's the episode where OJ's like in the Broncos. I never knew anything about that. The cops were escorting him at a certain point. How crazy is that? I'm at a bar in Boulder, Colorado. Waiting for two grams of blow. Watching the Houston Rockets.

That was the year I was working at the Chinese restaurant in Boulder and the fucking waiters. I was delivering Chinese food and selling coke out of the back bathroom. Interesting. At this little Chinese restaurant. This is during the Broncos, yes. This is during 95 when the Bronco chase happened. I'm at the, what the fuck am I? I'm at the place waiting for a grandma coke.

Something was going on. We had a pool table place. Maybe down the corner from there. And then daylight. It was still daylight. And all of a sudden the Bronco chase started in Boulder. Lee, this one on, you know, this captivated America. Did they really cut from an NBA finals game?

Yeah. Well, yeah. Then they split screens. Yeah. Split in the corner. It was big shit. I remember where I was, you know, I was just in a basement with a bunch of friends. We were all like, what the fuck?

Because we all had heard, like, on the ride over that there was a warrant out for him. And then he was missing. And then all of a sudden you see him on the fucking news. It was crazy. Watched the whole thing. And I remember one of Howard Stern's fans got through. Oh, somebody, you know, somebody that knows OJ is on the phone right now. And then he just goes, Baba Buwi.

And then he's, they go, they don't understand. They're like, what's her Baba Buwi? Then they just hung up. But it's amazing they got on the TV Bronco chase in New York. One of his fans. That's the one I, that was the best. That was the best one I think. I think it was Baba Buwi.

People couldn't believe it was even going on Lee. Like it was even OJ. You couldn't fucking believe it's a grizzly fucking murder dog. Also there was a naked gun movies were still going. He chopped those motherfuckers up. That's just, hey listen, God, you know, God forbid. I mean, but he chopped, somebody chopped those poor people up. It didn't look pretty good.

But then when you, when they put you back in the time frame and go, the reason you pretty much got off, because this was the climate of the city at the time with, with the riots a few years before. And nobody knew the climate of the city. Everybody's in Minneapolis from New Jersey or Connecticut. Laying fucking judgment, but they didn't know. I didn't know the climate of the city. I didn't put it together. And it was right in front of you.

I still remember being in a Chinese restaurant and seeing the guy getting hit in the head with the brick and fucking down. Yeah. I remember being in a fucking, that restaurant where I used to do comedy, where I used to shake down the fucking owner, run, little run, where I used to shake him down until I gave him $300 and he'll be here next week to perform. I was going to my grandfather's funeral and that was, that was the, I was getting dressed on the floor and that was on playing on TV with fucking riots. You know, crazy?

I do not remember Kennedy getting shot. I wasn't even in this country, but I do remember his brother getting shot in the fucking head. Robert Kennedy by Sierra and Sierra. I remember seeing that 22 times. What year was that leaving? Robert Kennedy got shot in the fucking mullet. It was like 87. No.

I was joking around. I'm joking around, man. I'm starting to sober up. It had to be 68, 69. If it was anything other than that, I got, I'm a fucking badass motherfucker. I still remember being a child, a kid, like knowing a little bit of English and, you know, trying to put the rest of it together. I'd just come from Cuba.

I didn't really know. Interesting. Yeah. 68. I was five. Yeah. June 5th. Yeah.

Crazy time. What's the worst thing you've seen in your generation, Lee? As a 27 year old? I would have to probably say 9-11. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like I was in middle school, so I was like old enough to really understand it. What did they tell you in middle school that was going on at the time?

I think they just told us everything. I remember, I think I remember hearing about it in the cafeteria if I'm not mistaken. And we just were like, well, I don't know. We couldn't see it. We didn't have TVs in our school, I don't think. So we didn't really understand it, but then I remember all the news going home. I would say that's probably the worst. It might have been a crazy time to be a teacher to have the kids not know what's going on.

You got to explain it to the kids or not explain it to the kids. I think I heard it from a friend, to be honest. I don't even think of a teacher made an announcement. Let's say they don't tell the kids. The teacher's got to sit there knowing this is happening because you saw a glimpse of it in the teacher's lounge. Right. Now she's got to take care of kids while the whole time she's wondering, is my mom working in the city? You know what I mean?

It must have been a fucking man. You got to keep kids' attention for fucking hours until they tell you what they're supposed to do. You got parents going on and you got to keep the kids occupied and not explain to them that the fucking World War III has started. It's obviously not as bad as 9-11, but my senior year of high school, a student stabbed another student and killed him in the bathroom. Jesus. Yeah, it was crazy. I was a... What the fuck did you go to school with?

In the whitest of the white nicest school. And why do you stab the kid? He apparently had ass burgers and had some issues. So... Is he still in jail for that? Yeah. Oh yeah. He's in prison on a special lock-up due place.

He's probably in the special lock-up place, but I think he got like first degree. You ran on letters? No. Did you know him? No, I had seen him around, but he was younger than I was. Okay. I thought he was one of your little goombas that you ran with. No, he was nice.

I started watching around knives and shit. It was just weird. We all got put into the cafeteria and I felt bad for a while because at first I was just happy because I was missing a test and I didn't know that somebody got stabbed. They just said, hey, everyone go in here. Right. So I was like, oh, I'm missing a test, yes. You know, people always tell you, I remember where I was when this happened.

Whenever I fucking... I still remember when the attack in 94 or 95, I didn't take care and that. Oh, Jesus. Did you ever go see it? The memorial? No. Where is it? Oklahoma City.

Oklahoma City. I was playing the subject. Oh, yeah. Timothy McVeigh. Timothy McVeigh and all that. I was living in Boulder. I was doing comedy. I was at fucking war with my fucking ex-wife.

I was just, oh my God. I was another person, man. They had this whole, it's like, they have all these little chairs. There's like a reflecting pond and it has on the one arch, the sec, the minute before it happened. And then there's another arch on the other side of the pond, it has the minute it ended. Like, you know, it's like a fucking exploded. So it's like 301, 303.

So the reflecting pond, it's like the explosion of 302 or whatever, you know, whatever the time was. Then they have all these chairs for the people who died and they're all on rows. So like as you go up. So like they all represent the floors of the building and on daycare there's all these little tiny chairs for the kids that blew up. It's fucking really fucking beautiful and tragic, the fucking, the, what's it called, the display they have.

The memorial. Memorial. Thank you. Display. Like a fucking baby Jesus and the three of my husband on Christmas. Anyway, that's my story. It was great being here. What other national tragedies can we bring up?

I was in, I was in the basement in Boulder and I had bought this Coke. I love how all your stories where you were at the time. Oh my God. Like the man on the moon. I was buying Coke. Oh, horrible. I bought this Coke. I bought a batch of this blow.

I got a good deal from some Mexican, the fucking trailer park that I did business with. And I took half of it home and it was fucking delicious. And I took the other batch and I went on a bender with some fucking chick. I took the other batch of it and I cut it heavy, but I cut it a little too heavy and I had to take the little batch that I had left and put it back into that just to make it sellable. And I was in my basement watching fucking TV and that went down. So I started, I said, what am I going to do?

Nobody's doing nothing. Everybody's watching this. I might as well do a couple of bumps. And I started snorting this shit and I went on this fucking two day bender with that shit and fat tire and gallons of water. That's all I was doing. This is my 9-11? This is, no, no, no.

This is the Oklahoma City bar and all of a sudden I tasted blood, whatever I had cut that coke with. Like, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking at that time. I cut it with a vitamin or something. It had eaten away the front of my nose. I couldn't leave the house for three days after the Oklahoma bomb. I had to put fucking cream. I had to cancel a meeting.

I'll never forget that. I canceled a meeting because the cut burnt holes right here in this fucking thing here. Oh my God. I'm surprised I don't have fucking scars there. How embarrassing is that story? I've never told that fucking piece of shit story before. It's crazy. That's what you think about when you think about different people that always go, what

were you doing when this happened? I'll tell you what the fuck I was doing. But it's funny that all your stories about what tragedy is happening. Like, oh, I remember, like, you know, you're like, yeah, I remember I was buying some coke. Like, what about the riots? Yeah, I was buying some coke. No, the riots.

What the fuck was I doing? I was at a Chinese restaurant on a date. And we were at the bar and there was a TV on. And that's what they were showing on TV. And I'm like, that's Los Angeles. And I was telling her how much I fucking hated that land that I would never live here. That it was fucking terrible. I had come here as a kid and I had an uncle here who I wanted to kill and blah, blah, blah.

Could you even imagine like being here for the riots and just like everything being on fire? Like, thank God we were in Baltimore this last year. Like, how could you live with that stuff going on outside? I don't know that did anybody die in the riots of Baltimore? Well, they're still scary as fuck. I wouldn't want to be fucking there. The riots in L.A.

And Baltimore, L.A. Anywhere. I want to be alive. Listen, you don't want to be in that stuff. And it's a shame when it happens in those cities. It's a fucking shame that it takes years to heal those wounds. It takes fucking years. You know, if you watch spoiler alert, if you watch fucking whatever, the OJ thing, it opens up with him getting pulled over in 1982.

And him going, Hey, man, this is the third time I got pulled over this way. He gets pulled out of his car and he has to get the guy licensed. And the cop goes, Oh, I'm sorry, district attorney. You know, that's what was going on in this fucking town. It still goes on. But you know what? It goes on a lot of cities in America, not just fucking here. You know, some kid who wants to keep the cops back in the kid

in the school in Baltimore, the black cop, smacking that black kid 15 times in the fucking face like a man. You know, listen, guys, it goes on both fucking ways. Who knows why people know? You know, who knows why that chicken jersey that I get on fire yesterday in the middle of the street. Jesus Christ. Who the fuck knows? I don't know what the fuck do you drink?

What the fuck is it? Those smoking powders? I mean, we smoked hash out of a fucking glass. All I want to do is listen to the Sabbath and talk shit with you fucking savages. Right or wrong? Who makes people do this shit? Who makes people leave the fucking house with a gun? And I mean, who the fuck does it?

And you know what the sad thing is? I did it. I left the house with a gun a lot of times, man. Thank God, nothing stupid ever fucking happened. And that's why one day I was like, why do I carry a gun again? For what? Protection. Well, who, you know, why do I fucking carry a gun? It was the weirdest thing. For years, I carried a gun.

I thought I was a big shot, not really. But still, I always, I always was very alert when I had it, you know, for shit. Yeah. God, thank fucking God. Did you ever get depressed on it and like look like almost commit suicide? Are you fucking retarded, Link? I don't know. No. But what am I fucking? What's his name and lethal weapon?

Oh, no, let me go. Joe Pesci. No. No, I just fucking around. Australia. Yeah. Fuck, man. Well, I don't know, man. I mean, the hell are we just talking about? We're talking about have I ever looked at a gun and wanted ice?

Yeah, I'm glad. I'm glad I never had a gun when I'm driving, man. This that would I would have just waved at a lot of people. You know what I mean? And again, and then what if like they waved it back and shot you? I'd be like, go ahead, because I don't mind saying I love guns, but I love guns as a work of art. I cannot lie to you.

When I look at it and I'm to old people, so don't judge me on this. When I look at it certain, I think it was the Browning 9 millimetre in 1982 or 83. I saw something completely different than when people saw. I really like guns. I don't like the the revolvers, the old ones with the long pistol. But I like all this new type of apparatus. I had a dear friend that used to talk to me about that apparatus

and I ended up falling in love with different types of gun. And he explained buckshotness and that. And we go shoot the guns and he taught me how to shoot machine guns and the other ones, the AKs. I mean, he was just a genius. He had been to Vietnam. This is what he did. So I got intrigued about it for a while, but I didn't look at it as.

I always wanted a machine gun to have under my bed in case something really went bad, not to but to hold the machine gun. Like if we're over my house and I take the bullets out of the machine gun and we're watching Scarface and you start playing with the machine gun. There's no bullets in it. It's fun, guys. It's like stupid guy shit. And that's what him and I used to do. We'd watch Rambo and he got his shit and go, this is what I got.

I fell in love with the geekiness of it. I didn't fall in love with taking the guns and blowing somebody's head part of it until I had to cocaine, the fucking thing. And then your psychological stupidity. You get these fucking stupid thoughts. I never thought of killing myself. Well, everyone has like bad days, and that's what I'm worried about. No, no, no, no, and nobody listen.

It happens, though. Well, the guy yesterday got convicted of fucking fraud, oil fraud. And today he fucking took his car and rammed it into a wall and killed himself before he got to jail. I mean, Lee, a lot of fucking crazy shit happens. You know, I mean, God forbid that somebody takes a gun and fucking ices himself. But I never thought about that shit. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I never want to come in a room and have you clean up my ears and shit and my eyeball from a wall. Where's Joey's eyeballs in the wall with a toothpick? Yes, fucking Artie Morton. Those guys who have those jobs, man. That's crazy. You know what I mean? Like, I was the end of the girl, the guy just shot us out of and they had to go in the house and clean it up.

You dated a girl. No, no, no, no. I was dating somebody who had a friend who shot himself and they had to go and clean it, clean it all up. And she didn't go, but they had to. She had to wait to meet the people outside. Just I'm just the image. Like, that's how I began to realize them. They do this for a fucking laugh, you know, it's horrible.

Anyway, so where were you when that happens? I was buying coke at a Taco Bell. I used to date this Chinese girl. Oh, my God. So you've been working a lot lately, man. I would have been in stand-up acting. I mean, anything. Right. I shot a couple of guest roles in the past couple of months.

Did you? Yeah, it was very nice. Nice way to start the year, you know. And, you know, going on the road here and there, but slowing down on the road a little bit this year. Want to get back on television for a while. I'm going to try my hardest, you know. Excited, feel good. You have to make a commitment sometimes.

You have to look at your road money. Yeah. You have to see, you know, the effort. I'm going to see how far I can make it before the fucking wheel comes on. Right. You want to push and see, you know, there's two road, there's two types of road comics. So the road comics that, you know, Kevin Hart, they sell tickets. Yeah.

They're going to go to, they sell three tickets. Those guys are going to do eight. We got the guys that go to Carnival Cruises and they do like, you know, B rooms or C rooms and they make a living, bro. They make a fucking great living, those guys. I know a guy that makes a quarter of a million dollars a year. He works 30 weeks a fucking year.

He sells T-shirts, mugs, guitars, hats. Lee, he's got a fucking van filled with shit. His wife comes on the road with him and that's what he does. Am I mad at him? No, they live in the van. Exactly. He found a way to do it. He found a way to do it. I'm not mad at him. He's not, if he wanted auditions, he wouldn't live on a bus.

Does he want to live in LA? No. No, he just wants to make a living doing the lives. He goes to clubs and he takes a bottle of tequila and he has the same fucking jokes he's had for the last 35 fucking years or whatever, how long he's doing comedy. When I was new to comedy, I would call it a judge, some of the guys who did anything

about television, they would do it with other angles. Like, oh, I just play the road. Like, interesting. Yeah, it's in New York comedy, which is like, oh, interesting. And I'm like, you know, I fucking, I do colleges. Oh, God, I do cruises, all right. Like, why would those guys do that?

And when I see guys with puppets and guitars and stuff like that, I like guys who do characters on stage and those funny magicians. They have a county magic club. It's like, I would judge them when I was younger as a color. But now that I've seen people make a living doing, like, wait a second, you figured out how to just do bullshit for a living, just like we do.

You know what I mean? And there's some comics you have all clean jokes. I'm gonna fucking really tell the truth. Some will never tell the truth. God, you know what I mean? And so I respect, if anybody can find a way to play this horrible life for a, you know, for a living, to just like, I'm just gonna do this.

I'm gonna be silly. I'm not gonna show up to work. I'm not gonna wear a tie. He made a commitment and now he's paying for his whole family just by being whatever the hell he's selling that just that fucking, he always got to do is bring a creative merch and on the plane, he doesn't need a band, doesn't need friends,

doesn't need a desk, doesn't need an office. He just was like, I'll just find a way to do bullshit for the rest of my life and pay for everything with it. God bless him. I don't mind the comedian magician, but it was put into a comedy show that I saw recently just randomly and I was really high. And it was really, really weird.

Like just to have like randomly have a comedian. Listen, Josh, he's a great one. He's a great guy. Since I'm a kid, I ain't big on fucking comedians. I ain't gonna lie to nobody and tell you, I ain't big on fucking magician. It was so funny. I found a way to make a living.

What happened to the guy? Sorry. I was saying it was so funny at a, the Christmas party we went to. There was a magician. I love it. I love magicians. Don't get me wrong, but just not at a comedy show.

That's what I'm saying. Like if you go, when I was a feature actor, and I went to a comedy club and I saw they gave two weeks a year to a hypnotist or a month to a hypnotist. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'd be pissed off for a day. I'd be pissed off for a day. I'm not gonna lie to anybody.

I'd be pissed off for a day. This is the kind of people. You know, you want to come in August and they got a magical act. I get fucking pissed off. But then I bumped into Joe DeLion. You know Joe DeLion? Old school Joe DeLion.

That dude was heavy duty comedy. And at one time, he was one of the top 10 magicians in the world. He's one of those dudes that put himself in a crate in a fucking wrapped in chain in a tank with Nazis around him with machine guns and bazookas. And you know, he'd get out of that. He's one of those fucking guys.

He ran a club in Syracuse. Okay. I was about to say, man, because he needs to pay all those Nazis. Yeah, he's living in Florida now. He's gonna be a good funny fucking dude. And he was a good magician. We kept it dirty and he mixed it in.

But there's some dudes that are so, and then you get stuck in the comedy condo with a magician for a week. You have no idea what's that likely to be a feature act. They cut your time from 30 to 15 and to boot. You gotta live in the condo for a week with the motherfucking magician. We're in a cape and I had it all hours.

You're trying to get your dick sucked. You know. You have no fucking imagination. But for the record, no, no, no. I don't wanna go to a comedy club and see a fucking magician. Not even fucking, because those magicians are the fucking worst.

If you're gonna be a magician, at least be fucking good. That's it. But if you're gonna be a magician and you got like a pigeon that's blind and your tricks on a delayed and you're still doing tricks from 1920, I don't need that shit. When I first started comedy in 91 in Boulder,

the house MC was a magician. Let's just say at that time in 1991, this guy was already 60. And he'd wear the hat and he'd go up there every Monday. The guys' fucking magic tricks were bad. His persona was bad. Everything about this guy was fucking bad. I got him thrown out of there, you know.

How was he? Till this day, what was his bad? He was bad, you know. And Boulder was starting a comedy scene. It was 1991. You got an old man kicked from his gig. Listen, hold on, dawg. I don't mean it like that.

This is like breaking into loose. He's insane. I said it the wrong way. What happened was, dawg. He just ruined his dream. Fuck him. He was fucking 60. He had his shot in Fortville.

Yeah, this is a tired. I was fucking starting out. This guy got two gigs from listening to Broker. They have four restaurants in Denver. You're the bad guy and that guy's movie. No, no, no, no. Hear me out here. Let's smoke some more hash right now.

Oh my god. Here's the deal. I'm running a lung transplant in like six months. The fuck. I was actually about to give up. Told us what I'm talking about. Yeah, I'm gonna be fucked. I'm gonna have to do, you'll have to go to mom.

My lungs are shot. I could fucking feel him. We fucked him, took him, put this hash out of the glass. Yeah. This is, what was I talking about? I don't see you. The old man whose life he ruined. The fucking magician in Boulder.

Let me tell you what happened. All right. So I just got into comedy July of 91. The fucking August of 91. The Boulder Broker decides to do Beck's beer comedy night Tuesday nights. The Boulder Broker did Beck's beer comedy night. They were sponsored by Beck's beer on Tuesday nights.

Every Tuesday night. Right. The fucking, when they started out, I wanted to be a comedian and I read it in the paper and it took me like a month to go down. You know that fear you have when you first start comedy. I was a little scared and hesitant. And I went down and I paid for a ticket.

I got the steak and I'm watching this fucking magician. Now my fear. You're eating a steak by yourself? Yeah. What the fuck? At that time I was almost divorced and I wanted to see what Tuesday nights were like. So I went down and I got, in those days, it was 1595.

You got a steak, a baked potato, a salad and a soda. And you got a bowl of shrimp and you got a free ticket to the comedy show. I really want to know what happens to the magician. Let me tell you what fucking happened to the magician because this guy's telling me you ate a steak by yourself. No, I was, I was going down. All right, so I ate the fucking steak.

The magician goes up guys and he's fucking horrible. So I went in there very scared and timid about doing comedy. Right. Once I watched this guy go, I'm better than this guy. So on the way out, I went up to the club manager and I go, P.A., sign me up to the contest next Tuesday. Cause at that time they were doing a three-man contest

and then the two comics and the winner of the three-man contest advanced to October with the finals being December 18th, 1991 at the Boulder Broker. Okay, so I had this whole plot. So when I talked to the fucking guy on the way out, I said, how do I sign up for the contest? He goes, you gotta talk to me.

I go, sign me up for the fucking contest. At this time, Brian, I had been on stage between you and I and Lisa at this time. Three times, I'm thinking three times. Tops, three, four times. Sounds like a three-time move. And in the back of my mind, I was already fucking halfway Cosby, you know what I'm saying?

Sign me up. All I needed was the sleeping pills. I had the plan. So what happened was I went to New York and I got on stage and I died a thousand deaths. And when I went back to Colorado, that was in my horizon. And I'm like, fuck it, let me tackle that. So I go down there.

I see the magician. How long are you in New York for? 10 days. Okay, good. I fucking go back in. I go to the guy, sign me up for fucking next week. I come back next week. I'm going up against two guys.

I don't know who they were. But to make a long story short, the magician's there. He's getting me fucking pissed off. Lee, the best when I go on stage is when we're pissed off about something else. Something that really has nothing to do with us. Like traffic and we get there. We barely get there.

And you're so pissed at the traffic that it takes your material. It does something different with it. So that night I got so pissed off at that fucking magician. He had ugly pigeons. He was wearing fucked up clothes. His tricks, people didn't like him. He was killing the fucking audience

in between the fucking comedians. He's brand new. And I know he was and he was 60 fucking years old. And I go up there and fucking do like a three set. You know, it was okay. It was no fucking Bill Cosby. But I won. I advanced.

So then I got pissed off. They said, come back in October. I go, no, no, no, no, no. I want to come down and do guest sets. Like I'm trying to egg them out. Like let's get rid of the fucking magician. This is the balls I got at this point. I'm like, let me come down here next Tuesday.

Do some time. They're like, no, you're not allowed. You got to come back in October. So I went and did my shit for whatever three or four weeks. I went to poetry readings. What the fuck you do, Brian Scalaro? You know what I'm saying? I keep alive.

Poetry readings. I go back in October, Brian Scalaro. The magician is worse than ever. Now I just want to beat him up. Now I just want to fuck him up. I want to fuck him up. I went in there with like eight of my dogs from Long Island. At that time I was working on the sports betting service

in Boulder. I told my friends at the office, they're like, we'll come down and support you. Like eight of them showed up with their wives and they're like, this fucking magician suck. They're from Long Island. They started booing the guy. I'm like, oh my God.

I get up there again. I got 20 people in the audience. Who wins? You know what I'm saying? It's a no brainer. Boom. I advanced to the finals December 18th. Five comics, $1,000.

That's great. Can I borrow a thousand dollars? Would you stop with the borrowing? What the fuck? I'm fucking throwing heat. I got six weeks to prepare for the Boulder Broker Grand fucking Champion. Being based.

I'm done. So what do I do? I said, fuck, let me go down. I go down there. I fucking win, Brian Scalaro. Are you one of the contests? I won the contest on the 18th. And what the fuck do you think I did on the 19th?

I called the manager nice and early. And he goes, what can I do? I go, do me a favor. I go, you and I both know this motherfucker's killing the fucking county room. He looked at me and he heard me. He goes, you know what? Thank you for bringing it up.

What do I say? What do you suggest I do? I go, make me a house. And he goes, how much money are you looking to get paid? Yeah. He goes, give me a luxury of a week. And a couple drinks. He goes, done.

Boom. He, no, but see the host had two gigs. He was also the magician at the oil, you could eat buffet. That's a good place for one of those fucking hosts with pigeons and shit like that. And he would annoy the shit of you to buffet. I went to the buffet a couple of times. He was fucking, give me a sec.

He still had 50% of his income. Who? The magician. The magician got 50 points of his action. So tell us about the buffet. The buffet was brilliant. There's two tremendous buffets in the state of Colorado. I don't know about today.

I could lie to you and tell you, I know about when I lived there in 95, one of the best Sunday brunches in the state was at the Boulder Broker. But the ultimate number one brunch in Colorado at the time. Yes. Well-renowned. Yes.

The Stanley Hotel, where fucking Danila, what's his name? Stephen King. Stephen King shot The Shining. That's where he got the idea. Right, that's where he got the idea. Because that's the hotel that the writing was based on. And then he wrote it fucking up in the,

God damn it, up by New Pulse in New York. And then he fucking shot it in, God damn, I think it's Washington, right? No, I think it's Colorado where they shot. They shot the hotel. They shot parts of the Stanley. No, it's parts inside. The exterior is from-

The Stanley. No, the exterior is from fucking Washington. Oh, really? I didn't know that. I didn't know. See, you learn something new every fucking day. The Stanley Hotel is the actually haunted one. Like he came over the edge.

Let me do some shout-outs and workin' through. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just got really worked up. No, no, no. You finally got to movies, you know? Listen to me. Talked about 9-11. Listen to me.

Me just fucking- You got out of your coma and that's all that matters. Yeah, just at the fucking end. That fucking Arab fucking killed you with that shit. Yeah, I know. I was quiet for 45 minutes. The fucking Jew, when Bobby Sharon, I love you, Bobby's been puttin' some albums on Facebook every morning.

Classic shit. Today he had a Judas Priest screaming with the fucking helmet. Jesse, who knows? Jesse Brinn. Oh, Jesse. Textbook 203, Cat's 22,

Zach Pack, Chris Leonbrough, and Shroom Factory. I love you, cock. Suckers. Stop it. Don't forget San Jose improv.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, next week, 319, March 19th, I'm at the 10 Bloor Brewing Company, and March 31st, I'm at the motherfucking Brea Improv, all weekend bitches. The Brewing Company is in Bakersfield. Bakersfield, you're absolutely right, man.

You know, San Jose improv is haunted. Did you know that? That's the word on the street. Yeah, yeah. I've been haunted at that place. I had an edible one time with Lee, and I was fucked up. I had a haunted chicken college,

just so shit. You haunted. No, that was pretty bad, though. How much are you working these days, Brian, on the road? Do you want to work more? I was working a lot last year. I think I did a close to maybe 40 weeks of the 52 week here, or whatever, the 53 week.

What are you complaining about? I'm not complaining. Who's complaining? I was making jokes. That's great fucking work, man. Yeah, I'm not complaining. You got a great television fucking resume. I mean, you still recognize you?

What I'm saying is my agents last year, my theatrical agents, like you got to stay in town more. You're missing a lot of auditions. And I was like, you know what? I'm on the road so much. It's like, yeah, what the hell? Is this my life?

Am I going to distrust my life? So I was like, I got to go back to LA and make sure I'm auditioning a lot. So I'm doing less gigs purposely, just right into my favorite clubs. And being like, well, I'll do one-some-month on the road, then the rest of the time I'll be here. And you're in Tucson this weekend?

I'm in Tucson this weekend. It laughs. Friday and Saturday? Friday and Saturday, that's four shows, I think. Oh, that's it? That's four shows now? Yeah, it's just a little eight hour drive. I went there last year, I checked out Tombstone.

That's fucking haunted too. You like haunted fucking places, huh? I was attacked, we were attacked by JC Brin. You know JC Brin? No. He was the guy who was with Sharon Tate, that she was murdered and he was murdered, as well as Abigail Folger.

Now where were you attacked by him? Well, he's dead now. Right. So the house is no longer there. But now there's like a house that's literally like on your feet, maybe not even from where the house was. And as they just recently built, the guy has been on Ghost Hunters and Paranormal Witness

and all the shows were like, I'm telling you this place is fucking haunted. And then they have video footage of like ghosts, candles going crazy, people shaking cameras. And all the stories are very violent. They see a naked woman walking around with a word in the towel or they hear screaming. And then the guy, JC Brin appears with me.

I mean, he like, he hurts people, throws champagne bottles across the room. Like he's violent. So anyway, I don't know if I really fucking believe it, but when we go up to me and the girl for the time, drive up to the house, you know that there's a private driveway, the Seattle Drive, where a massive family murdered everybody.

You know, I always wanted to go up there because I'm an idiot. So we drove up, just the two of us late at night, it's a really tight driveway. You can't do a K-turn. You can't do a U-turn. Like you have to back out of that thing in the dark. It's such a dirt driveway.

And there's a couple of houses. So we parked in front of the house, like, well, that's the house right there. I don't know, you know, the two, the old TV shows we just watched this morning, that's the house. And then all of a sudden there's like a, there's like a, just fucking, exactly.

I knew that nothing would happen. He went, boom. And the fucking, my car door, my driver's side door, got like kicked in, sounded like, and the power went off in the car. And it's a brand new car. It hasn't gone off like that since. So just like, so if you believe in that stuff,

the ghost took the electric energy, the electric energy of the car, electricity, to manifest itself and scare me and her away from the house. And they always say on the shows that he's protecting Sharon Tech, she doesn't know she's dead. So now if you don't believe in that, you just think I'm a fucking stoned idiot.

But if you do believe in that, it's a pretty good story because I got attacked by one of the most famous ghosts, JC Briggs. You didn't even know. So I don't know how good the story was. Here's my thing. If I lived in a place that was haunted,

I would just leave. I don't get it. Why are they staying? Because they just bought a place and there's money involved and they got to get lawyers. Fuck it. Then get an apartment until you can sell the house

because there's no way I'm living where you're going. Well, you just put all your money in the house. Fuck it. You figure a way out of the fucking house. Well, they go to the hotel and put the guest. After the house gets sucked into the ground. I'm with you, Doug. I don't fucking that shit.

I don't want to see that shit. I don't want to drive up there and that shit. I don't want to see what nobody got fucking murdered. Give us a seat. If you get a fucking attack by a ghost you deserve, you got all fucking lucky. Cuck sucks. She doesn't even think I'm done.

That's fucking, listen. I went up, I was somewhere one day, maybe three fucking years ago, four years ago. I go to see Duncan maybe five years ago. Duncan. Duncan. He goes swing by the house. I got to give you something.

I go to this fucking location. Who knows where the fuck it is? I get directions from my wife on the way out of this house. He goes, if you can stay on this road and go down like four fucking blocks, you can see where Shane and Tate got fucking murdered. The lobby on the come out isn't a lot of shit.

I'm like, listen, you know what's the other job? Not the fucking chances are of me going over there and not a million fucking years. There's a ton of pain over there. That's just a painful thing. If they built the house in there, those people are gonna rot in fucking hell. The best thing you could do was cave that property down

and that was horrible. Lobby, are you on the Sharon Tate? The Sharon Tate, yeah, that's it. That was horrible what happened there. When I was a kid, I got obsessed with that Hilda Skelter song. That was the first fucking time I heard that a song made somebody kill.

So here I am getting into music, Lisa, yeah. And all of a sudden I hear this fucking story. So I'm putting the brakes on now. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. So a fucking song made these people go and kill this baby and write pigs on the wall and all this shit that is just fucking hard. So what did I do?

I read the book. I got, you know, at the age of like 12 or 13 or 14, I read like three of those fucking books. Manson books. Of the difference of what had happened. That's why I know LaBianco and the names and Sharon Tate and that other fucking kiss of debt that was, you know, there's been so many horrible fucking things.

Yeah, and I was skimming through the channels and what was on the other night? Fucking Star 80. I don't know what that is. All right, Star 80 is a chick. They made two fucking movies about that hurt. They made one movie when I forget the actor and the other one was Eric Roberts.

Star 80 was a movie about a fucking chick lead. Don't sit there. Type up the fucking computer and zip up the TV and let's show these motherfuckers what Star 80 is. Star 80 is Eric Roberts and this fucking playmate. He goes to Canada. The guy put on bikini contests. He was just a fucking two-bit fucking piece of shit.

And he goes to eat cheeseburgers at this bar and Canada or something like that. He's like, if I'm not wrong, she's where, who's the chick that was sucking Tommy Lee's dick? Pamela Anderson. Pamela Anderson's from before, Pamela. Like Playboy got two of the hottest chicks of all time on from this fucking city to fucking be on

and playmate. So she was the original. That's why they called her Star 80. Star 80, she was the one, okay. So go ahead, play the trailer. Star 80, that one, you went to a movie trailer in 1983. See, there's two of them. So what happened here?

You were buying Kogan, you saw this? No, this scared the shit out of me the fucking first time. So Star 80 is Eric Roberts and this chick and she leaves him for Peter Bogdanovich or something because the guy's abusive or you spend it on money and then fucking Eric Roberts gets her back and then he fucking builds his bench and he fucking sits it down.

He fucking shoots her and fucks her. Then he shoots himself. What's the name of the chick Lee? It's a Christmas movie. Yeah, it's a Christmas movie. You never saw it Lee either. That ever happened. Never even heard it.

We'll put the trailer on, let's kick it. Yeah. Why you staring at me for like, you don't know what I'm talking about. I have this feeling about Dorothy. She's gonna be a big star. They're gonna give me 10,000 dollars for having my picture taken.

Dorothy is every man's fantasy. Sit down. Dorothy just can't let him do this to anyone. Oh my God, cheers. But you're gonna have to pay Star 80, rated R. Jesus, where was I? Who here is that? A3, this is a fucking poll.

I don't know. I'm glad you strapped. There you go. One year before Gus Buses. Yep. So where else are you going this year, my brother? Zanies. Which one?

The one in Rosemount, right by Chicago. Fucking tremendous, tremendous. I'm going to Governor's in Long Island later, but I have time of the elements. The comedy spot in Scottsdale, Arizona, and I'm doing the Tropicana Laugh Factory in the Vegas. And then there's also on the booking, what the fuck is that great club there though?

The one in Rhode Island. Providence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a comedy connect. Yeah, I'm going there for the first time. I'm very excited about it. And then there's Brad Garrett's comedy club

in Vegas at the MGM. See, you got shit going on. I'm fine. Fuck it, I fucking broke. I don't know. There was just jokes. Oh, all right. But can I borrow at least $300?

Shake it, leave it down. I'm just joking, man. Leak flex, interest, good. He's good with numbers, linos, I'm doing. I was so stunned at the beginning of this. I was, I couldn't even think. I could just, I was hanging on you for dear life. If you played it back, I must have said,

wow, maybe 87 times was my response when you're talking. I was really wasted. Thanks. And now I feel like I'm myself again. I said, man, that's a, when he showed it to me and I looked at it. I go, I went in my bag and I couldn't find my pen. And I go, well, that goes that idea.

And I swear to God, I opened up the door and there's the pen. And I look and I got two glasses. I could take that joint out of that fucking jar and we could have smoked it in that jar. Or we could have fucking done it in this. And it got me high. Listen.

That was like an edible. Hashing is completely different than what people think. Well, the problem with hashes, there's not a lot of good stuff around. Like I said in the beginning of that podcast. So people get caught smoking this fucking shit they give out in these stores in LA. They don't even know what they're selling.

Trust me, I would smoke it and get sick for a few days. When you're coughing shit up after a pipe load or something and I will lay, that's not healthy. So I shut it all down. I said, that's it. I'm not smoking nothing else. I don't want nothing. I don't want no shatter.

I don't want nothing. I just want fucking weed. That's, I don't want that shit in my pipe. I don't want nothing. Excuse me. I don't like shatter because it was just that big article. I don't know what the fuck it is. So what, you know, enough.

I'm not doing those vapor pens no more. I'm not doing none of that shit. I decided I was like, that shit's gotta be fucking killing you at some fucking level. We don't know what it's gonna do to you. Right. Yeah, you don't.

Listen, all I know is one fucking thing. Okay. You know what I know? I know you take two fucking zigzags, you cut one, you lick the other one, you stick it to the other one, you take some fucking reefer, you cut it with a scissor,

you roll it up and you put a fucking lighter or whatever and you smoke it. Guess what? They've been doing that since fucking 2000 years. Anything other than that, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I really don't know what you're talking about. I did that for fucking years.

And then when I got to high school, I would go into the city and they'd sell you all these weeds dipped in fucking hash or whatever. But then something special happened. Something really fucking cool happened. Some kid introduced me to fucking hash. And I would smoke fucking hash for them.

But he would tell me the mistake people do when I do it on the show like an asshole because I'm trying to get high with you guys. You're not even supposed to smoke the hash with the weed. You're supposed to smoke the hash in a different type of pipe even because the hash high. If the hash is good, like you guys saw this hashes. I'll say.

This is what it does to you. It's a complete different high. You can put on earphones and listen to music. It's very fucking different. Forget about smoking out of a fucking glass which is just smoked. There's nothing been that fucking job of refit. So that's the problem.

People mix the hash or with the weed. You're not supposed to do that. We do that because we're fucking gavones. But in real life, you're supposed to smoke hash by itself with maybe, with maybe a glass of red wine. That'll put you at a different fucking level. That's why I don't do it. I'll smoke hash, but I don't want to smoke hash

and fucking wine. It's a complete different high, guys. If it's real hash. Well, fuck it, amen. That was really good. Oh, no, no, I'm happy. I'm happy you stopped by. I was like an edible dude.

Yeah, no, no, no. I felt the same fucking way. I sold it to Lee. At least started sweating profusiously. At least started sweating profusiously out of his head. His face got red. He was coughing. I'm like, Lee's getting fucked up.

I couldn't really get high when I was doing, I was really sick with the flu. Because you told me that in Nyquil, and the edibles fucked you up. So I didn't do that. But I did Robotussin. And apparently there's kids who are doing 20 Robotussin pills and then smoking weed, so it's crazy.

So I had like 200 milligrams, which is nothing for me. And I had Robotussin and I got fucked up. So, it was. Interesting. Let me ask you something. Are you okay? Yeah, I think so. Why would you do Robotussin and Robotussin?

I thought we just had this conversation. In Los Angeles, where there's so many really good drugs out there that are so readily available. Well, I didn't go. Three years ago, I spent $7 of Robotussin. This is how wide I am. I googled if it was okay and there were discussions online. You actually fucking googled it.

Yeah, there's a bunch of discussion. Dude, I think it means I've overdosed on Robotussin. At least I'm not commenting on the discussion. Lee, stop googling. Just take the Robotussin, they put it on the rocks. Robotussin on the rocks, please. Robotussin on the rocks, some fucking sleeping pills that's all over, but the fucking shot.

If you put a little ginger ale on that with on the rocks, that'd be good. Ginger ale with Robotussin. It's like slow gin. Why are you breaking my fucking balls, Lee? I can't suck them. I'm not trying to. No, I'm happy.

I'm happy to eat it. No, listen, anytime you mix that shit, you see me, I'm cutting down on edibles. Yeah, I know. I'm just not here. No, I do them on the fucking show with Lee, but beside that during the week anymore, they were fucking me up too much during the week.

And if I use them to sleep, they're tremendous. But I wake up fucking thirsty as fuck. I've said it a thousand times. It's the worst thirst you could have when you eat an edible and pass the fuck out. Dude, I don't know if I ever told you this, but I did, at the time I was here, the edible you gave me was so strong.

First of all, we were talking about movies, having a great time, and then at one point, I didn't know what happened in my head, and I was like, how do we get on Chlamydia? We're talking about Chlamydia now, but I couldn't figure out how we got from John Candy to Chlamydia. And then I had to perform at the Laugh Factory,

and I was on stage, and all I couldn't think of jokes, I just thought about how if they wanted to, the crowd could, as a group, kill me. I mean, they all rush me right now, I'd lose. That's all I was thinking, because I was so fucking wasted on this edible. It was like a trip. So I was like, here I was, I was like doing acid,

and I was like, well, they could kill me if they wanted to, there's more of them. Do you remember what it was? What else was me doing jokes? Do you remember what an edible was? Yeah, it was fucking chocolate. Oh, was it a chocolate? That was a little square.

Is this what it was? Oh, it was punch. I did about like five of them. Yeah, it was a good, you know. Those were really good, man. Anyway, so I never told you how ridiculous that was. I thought it was a horrible show. No, you told me, you caught me the next day.

I told you that I'm sorry. I gotta tell you what, I got the fucking Laugh Factory last night, man. After I left there, that's what those things do. They creep up on you fucking later. I was later, you don't even know what's going on. Next thing you know, your heart's fucking beating out of your chest.

My knees called and said, listen, no more stars, done. What happened? She goes, I had my Fitbit on. Fitbit? The fucking thing on your wrist. So we're getting the shape to show you your heartbeat. She said that she looked at it, it was like 190. She almost had a heart attack.

She's like, I'm not even moving, I'm on my couch. Wow. How can that be at one fucking 35? She really, because I've always felt like I was out having a heart attack. Listen, man, I had a Vegas, I got a, the Vegas was the wake up call. Because I didn't figure out what happened in Vegas

on Thursday night until a week later, and I go, oh, you know, a year ago with Lee, let's pretend I came here and we ate edibles. When I went home that night, if there was a pot cookie, it'd be so high that I'd just eat the pot cookie, whether it was 500 milligrams or 200 milligrams, and I'd go to bed and nothing would ever happen. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, I'd drink some water,

I'd see green, the hallways, and I giggle a little in bed when I farted or I put the sleep apnea mask on, but for the most part, nothing ever happened. Fuck, I go to Vegas, and I'm in the big room, they give me this big fucking room and this bedroom, I put the TV on the bedroom, not the living room, making believe I'm writing jokes, and there's a bag with at least 25 fucking stars in it.

Really? 200 milligrams, it's just sitting there. And at 11 o'clock at night, for some stupid fucking Joey Diaz reason, I open up the bag and pop two of them. Now where'd the bag come from again? A friend of mine, you know, force one stars, the best stars out in the fucking room,

stars of debt. Right. Listen, Lee and I have gone through 20 different edibles, I've gone through 45 different edibles, and for the price, the fucking price, the 200 milligram right now at $25 for three of them, that's a fucking bargain. So you had 600 milligrams, so.

25 fucking bucks, they want 50 for that fucking cookie, and it's this fucking big. You gotta eat a whole cookie that have 500 fucking milligrams in it. This is, and listen, there's no human that could eat a whole star by themselves no more. Those 200 milligram stars, they're a little more than 200 milligram.

All the ones we've eaten have been a little dab more. We've been fucked up. I talked to them today, I thought we're gonna hook up on Monday, he goes, if you want we can hook up Friday. I said, fuck it, give me a couple more days to lower my resistance, so when you come back to town with those stars of debt,

we're fucking dead. I love it, but I can't do those stars at night no more. I just lay there thinking about things that I've done wrong in my life, when I'm on those things. That's why I like them. I think about that shit every day. I sit there and go, Jesus Christ,

at one time I did this, look at me now sitting here trying to play dead, like I fucking never did nothing in my life. It fucking beats me up a little bit, and that's why I've always enjoyed my one in a way. It's always been my inner voice. It's always been like my inner conscience. For some people.

Right, I go, you know that was my fault tonight. Fuck, when I was drunk, I thought it was his fault. Now I'm stoned and I realize it's my fault. No, no, a lot of marijuana makes you straighten up a little, makes you call yourself on a few things, and it really does straighten you out. What do you got planned, fucko? What are you doing for the weekend,

my little sexy Jewish friend? I'm working tomorrow and Friday, and then I'm home to watch the McGregor fight. It's just a good fight. Okay, and what about you, my brother? That's what you got in Tucson. Tucson, this shit. Gary Bynum, who owns a Tucson club.

When I got into comedy, he had a lock on the Pacific Southwest and some of Texas. He had a couple clubs. He had a laughs in Tucson, laughs in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and he had another laughs. And this is way before Colorado Springs left. That was Judy Carter.

That was Judy Brown's room with, what's his name? And what's his name? Jeff Valdez. It was Jeff Valdez's club and Judy Brown ran it for him. She is now a big time manager. She manages Sebastian. That's how long I've known Judy fucking Brown. But to make a long story short, something had happened.

Gary Bynum and his wife broke up. And his wife, Shirley, that was the name, opened up two clubs in like Oklahoma City and somewhere else. So you had to make a decision early on who you were gonna work for. It was like a little war going on. Askin' about it when you were done this time.

I just liked that. I don't wanna bring anything up. No, nothing up. It's pretty interesting that that's what I grew up in. Like if you would've told me 20 years. So what did I do? I didn't work for anybody. I never got involved.

They had a club. Really? You didn't do either one? That's great. No, and listen to what happened. They had a club in Albuquerque, New Mexico. And I had met the kid at a comedy club. I get off the stage and some kid runs up and he goes,

hey man, I wanna book you in my fucking room. And also Jimmy Abeta runs over and he goes, Joey, this is, God forgive me, he was a great dude. He goes, Joey, this is what's his name? How you doin'? He's hugging the guy. And all of a sudden he goes, he owns the Albuquerque L.A.S. He just bought it from Bidem.

And he wants to book us his MC feature the first time. You MC and I'll feature and I was excited. You know, and you're fucking excited. You're like, you know, I'm like, yeah, you know. Fuck, fine, let me get some road work. New Year's Day, he's almost like a hit by a drunk driver. What the fuck? That goes my fucking booking.

Oh my God. So I never work last. I said, listen, fuck it. He was killed? He was killed, got arrested so. And then the comic bought the club and whatever happened to happen. But that's what fucking happened

with the Bidems down there. The Bidems sold the Tucson club and then got it back. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that. They sold it and got it back like the people. I liked them. I think they were good staff. Listen, every club is different. That's the beauty.

Yeah, that's about it. We all have, listen, you know what I want? You know what I want? I want a club where you walk in, you do your five or four shows and you walk up. That's the idea. There's no huge problem. But there's nothing like that.

There's always a mishap somewhere. You know, you have to do radio. I don't mind doing radio, but it's nice if we don't. Like when I go to Vegas, who does radio in Vegas? I do MMA junkie because I want it. Right. But if I didn't want it, I really didn't have to fucking do anything.

Right, right, right. They're gonna come in anyway in Vegas. I love playing Vegas. You know, I used to get really excited when I saw myself on a TV show. And that was something about seeing yourself on a giant billboard in Vegas is very exciting. You know what I mean?

It's thrilling. For me, it's like almost as fun as being on NBC in 2001. You know, I'm like, wow, look at that. You know? I look at a billboard. I mean, I turned my fucking head the other way. Well, my head's gigantic. I don't take pictures of it.

I'm embarrassed it's even up there. I'll take a picture. The worst is when you're walking in a hotel and people look at the thing on the wall. Yeah. To see it's you and they look at you and you got to stand there like a fucking ass on. They're like, you're like a median.

You're like, what do you fucking think? No, I'm wanted for fucking perjury. What's that picture? Fuck you. I love when he's a young picture of me. And they see me like, oh, he looks like he ate this guy. He ate this fucking. Yeah, well, listen, brother, you're still in the game.

Everything's fine. I'm doing good. Thanks to Joey Diaz helped me out here in there. He's a good man. Listen, man, you're a good dude. Thanks. You work hard, you know. There's a bunch of motherfuckers out there

that are looking for a handout. You work, brother. You know, I see you have the store banging it out. Yeah, I also ask for handouts. I'm like, well. You know, the store is a... Store's a great room, man. These days, fuck, it's on fire there.

What'd you think? No, it was, I was down there last night. It was the lineup from hell. It's amazing. It was the fucking lineup from fucking hell last night. It's the only place where you can go, besides the, maybe they couldn't fuck. Bobby Lee, Anthony Jazzelnick,

he brought fucking Rogan up. He brought this guy up. Yeah. I mean, it was just, it was like fire. It was just fucking mind boggling last night. If you think of it as fireworks, they go so long that the people eventually leave. Imagine fireworks like that.

I grew up in Edwards. I mean, it was just fucking craziness. It was pure fucking craziness. Imagine a four-hour fireworks show. You'd leave it at three and a half in. That's what it's like there, because everyone's so fucking on fire. It's a very exciting time to be there.

Let me tell you something, man. You know what's exciting? When people listen to this show, you like smoking weed, you like kicking your fucking feet up. There's nothing like fucking getting stoned to the gills. Well, that was ridiculous when you did it. Sitting down, putting your fucking feet up.

You put the channel on and the next thing you know, you go, hey, you ain't got nothing. You got nothing to eat. This is where I come in. This is where fucking Nature Box comes in, all right? You're trying to eat better, but you think nutrition labels are confusing, all right? Nature Box has a snack for that.

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I've seen fucking people go to offices, they bring donuts, I go to these agencies, fucking their snacks and cookies and fucking chocolates and shit. You'll lose your mind at these fucking places. But with Nature Box, there's fucking snacks and it's healthy, because the workplace can be a fucking danger zone

with unhealthy fucking nutrients and options, whatever the fuck you call it. So if you're tightly eating the same bland food while trying to stay healthy, Nature Box has over 100 snacks for that. Making smarter choices doesn't mean you have to eat boring food. Let me tell you something.

I just got a box of them again. Those garlic plantains, fucking tremendous. I'm a chocolate nom nom guy. I'm a black pepper and salt lentil guy. That is my all time favorite fucking snack from Nature Box. Have you got like the Asiago crisps or whatever they're called? Delicious, delicious, fucking delicious. So listen, why are you messing around?

Nature Box makes over 100 ridiculous snacks. They're ridiculously delicious snacks. They source from all over the world for you to choose from. Like I said, my personal favorites are the chocolate nom nom's and the garlic plantains. Now Nature Box makes it really easy to find the snacks you want without questioning

what's in them. Plus they're constantly adding new and interesting snacks for you to discover. Nature Box believes you shouldn't eat something you don't like. So if you try a snack you don't like, they'll replace it in the next box for free. Can't do that with the other snacks. So do me a favor, go to naturebox.com

slash joey right now to get 50% off. Your first box of delicious, unique snacks without any of the junk. That's naturebox.com slash joey for 50% off. Your first box of the best tasting snacks in the world. But again, do me a favor, stop fucking around. I had these for a long time. Naturebox.com slash joey, 50% off right now.

I'm telling you, go to Nature Box, you're not gonna regret it. These are snacks that are delicious. When you're stoned to the gills, it's as good as it gets. Midnight, you're walking around, you got a little fucking apple juice. Now that goes, brother.

Every couple months, I get an email to order food from Blue Apron. And I gotta tell you something. They usually send me two different dishes and I'll fucking fall in love with the other one. The other one was good, but I won't like the vegetables. You know, I'm not a vegetable guy.

But you know what Blue Apron gives me an opportunity to do? It teaches me how to learn how to cook, which a lot of guys don't know how to fucking cook. And all their meals, it's like 30 minutes of fucking less. Okay, I mean a minute, nobody wants to fuck on anything. The last thing anybody wants to do is wait online at the grocery store or schlep home and cook a complicated meal.

An expensive, unhealthy takeout is hardly better. You know how it runs, my brother? It's a fucking nightmare. That's where the new service, Blue Apron comes in. And I recommend this for you, my brother. Scalaro, this might work. Okay, ready? They deliver farm fresh ingredients

and step-by-step recipes to your home, allowing you to create healthy, hand-crafted meals at home without going to the grocery store. So gosh, you get home, the box is there, in a fucking seal filled, the food is fresh, the steak, whatever the fuck they send you, the chicken, the piece of fish, whatever they send you, it's fresh. All right, Blue Apron is perfect for date night,

cooking with friends, and they even offer a family plan with kid-friendly ingredients so the whole family can eat well and have fun preparing the meals together. For less than 10 bucks a meal, Blue Apron sends you fresh ingredients, perfectly proportioned. You hear that? Making, cooking healthy meals really easy and fun.

No trips to the grocery store and no time without used ingredients. Plus, like I said, Lee, not an awful fucking hashbrill over there. You'll learn how to cook with specialty ingredients, okay? Each balanced meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving. And it's so tasty, you'll never know, and the cooking takes, like I said, less than a half hour.

Shipping is flexible and free, and the menus are always new. They won't send you the same menu twice. They work around your busy schedule and dietary preferences, and the Blue Apron experts source only the best seasonal ingredients for the incredible meals.

Like, let me tell you what they got this week, all right? Steaks à la purveur with crispy, fingerling potatoes, and they got Asian-spiced chicken with red cabbage. And that's for the two-person plan. For the family plan, they got empanadas, the picadillo, and arugula salad. Just for the new make, empanadas, the picadillo, I would fuckin' get that dish right there.

Plus, they got the garam masala shrimp with garlic, spinach, fuckin' rice, right? And the soft boiled eggs with the old dude noodle, tatsu soup. Are you fuckin' kidding me or what? You don't even have to bump into people ballin' in shit and get sent right to your house. Do me a favor right now.

Cut this shit. Go to blueapron.com slash joey, and I'm telling you what I'm gonna do for you. I'm gonna give you two meals on me, and you're gonna cook two incredible meals, and you're gonna be blown away by the quality and the freshness, all right? Blue Apron is the best way to cook.

So do me a favor, check out this week's menu, and get your first two meals by going to blueapron.com slash joey. I got excited about good food. Yeah, my treat, really. The first two meals on me, so go to blueapron.com slash joey. Who the fuck do you think you're fuckin' with here?

I'm really sorry. And as usual, I stopped smokin' the e-cigarettes, and I stopped dickin' around with everything because I wanted more endurance than jiu-jitsu, and today, well not really today, on Monday I went back on the fuckin' shroom tech. I'll tell you what, shroom tech is a thing that Anet has. It's made of these quadricep mushrooms.

Okay. I'm sorry about the water bottle people, but it worked a little better around these leaves. There's a lot of shit there, man. Yeah, you gotta drink some water, you gotta keep hydrated with these fuckin' battery acids that I'm doin', but they're made with these mushrooms, and for people who work in high altitudes,

they would eat them to get more endurance, and they would get more oxygen in their lungs, and they just did a study that works for people who are older. So I started poppin' them again, and I gotta tell you something, I was sore today because I had LaVelle Crawford on my fuckin' back after goddamn day. He goes to jiu-jitsu with me.

He's 380 pounds, and I was doin' single legs with him. Puttin' my head under his fuckin' armpit, draggin' him up three. I musta did that 20 times. I couldn't do that fuckin' a year ago. So it's amazing how the shroom tech really works. It gives you endurance. I'm sore today, but fuck it, this is what I wanted to do.

I wanted to go in there and work in jiu-jitsu. They also have Henforce Protein and Chocolate Flavor. They got the testosterone boosters. I mean, listen, I could sit here and bore you to death. Fuck that. Go to honet.com right now, slash C-H-U-R-C-H, and get 10% off your first order to live it to your house. That's the best thing they do,

they deliver it right to your fuckin' house. You're gonna go, but listen, I could sit here and bore you for hours. Nah, go to honet.com. I wanna thank blueapron.com. I wanna thank fuckin' naturebox.com, 50% off your first order, and I wanna thank my main man, Brian Boom Boom Scalaro.

It doesn't matter, thanks for havin' me. Thank you, brother. Sorry, I got so fuckin' wasted for the first half, man. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it happens, brother, this is what we do. I feel bad, does that happen often? This is what we do, we put this away, Tarzan. This is what we do, we get stoned to the gills,

and we, you know, we fuck around a little bit, that's it. I really was hanging off a dear life there for at least a half hour. Well, listen, brother, I hope the people that represent the church in Tucson go see him in Tucson, or any of the dates that he said Brian's a good guy, he plays hard. Thanks for having me, brother. He's got credits, he's legit,

he's one of these fuckin' ukulele players with his empathy and shit. He does drugs, so if you wanna get him stoned, or get him bumped or whatever the fuck you got, show up and shit. Lee Syat will be in the Lompoc area, so if you're in prison, stick your dick out the fence, and he'll come over and rub your fuckin' nutsack

with a feather. Jesus, that's true. Who the fuck knows? For 25 bucks, he'll do a lot of things. Beside that, I love you, cock suckers. I'll see you next weekend in San Jose. We'll be back Monday night. Stay black, have a great weekend, love ya.

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free. Just go to blueapron.com slash joey, and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's blueapron.com slash joey.

Show is also brought to you by Nature Box. Go to naturebox.com slash joey to get 50% off of your first box. Head to naturebox.com slash joey right now, and get the right snacks for 2016. It's naturebox.com slash joey for 50% off of your first box. And go on to it.com and use Colbert Church

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