Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #362 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: March 15, 2016

Ari Shaffir, Comedian and Host of, "This Is Not Happening" which airs on Comedy Central, Tuesdays at 12:30am, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 03/14/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals for free. Just go to blueapron.com slash joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's blueapron.com slash joey. Show is also brought to you by onit.com.

Go to onit.com and use codeword church to get 10% off all the great optimization products like Alphabrain and New Moon. That was the worst habit I've ever heard in my life. Well have you had 800 milligrams? He's got no enthusiasm. We've got motherfuck again the right way. Wacka, wacka, wacka. Get yourself psyched up.

Come on. I'm psyched up. We ain't fucking around here. Let's do it. It's Monday night. These cocksuckers are waiting for a spectacular show and you're fucking around with the ads. Let's do it from scratch. Ready?

One, two, three. Action. Welcome to the church of what's happening now and this show is brought to you by Blue Apron. I'm interested. I'm going to send gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. That's right.

And our listeners, only you get the first two meals for free. Just go to blueapron.com slash joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's blueapron.com slash joey. Okay. Pretty great. One note. One note.

Okay. I would go before you like that. Where was that? That's right. Where was that? I added that. Oh. All right.

We'll just do like a pause before that. Get ready. One, two, three. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. That's right. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. And you, our listeners, get your first two meals for free.

That's right. Complete. I don't know what's the problem. I said that's right. I was trying. It's in college. It's free. You guys, no money.

Look at your wallet. Throw it away. You don't need it. You get your first two meals for free. Go to www.blueprint.com slash Joey. And you're trying to work out. You're trying to look good. Go to www.onna.com.

We use code word church near you. 10% off all the great optimization products. Like Alpha Brain, Make You Smarter, and New Mood, and Strong Thumb. All this beautiful progress you made and then you just do it in the toilet right at the end there. Oh, shit.

An oldie, but a fucking goodie. This is my fucking backbone right here. This is me in my bedroom by myself doing homework. Listen to WPLJ and this coming on and like fucking moving on the floor like. Here we go. Kick it, Lee. Come on. And if your train's on time.

What? The church cock suckers. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Monday. March 14th. My two best Jewish buddies. Here we go. This is fucking the Jewish national anthem right here.

Taking care of business. I'm burning houses down. I'm suing people. I'm doing it all. I'm thinking about Easter, you know what I'm saying? Where were you when this was out? Okay, I was living in North Bergen, New Jersey. I had just gotten out of Catholic school

and I was trying to prove to my mom that I could not be watched. I didn't need to be watched. So I would have to go to the bar for a while after school and do homework. And it got to the point after a few months she would let me go home early and early and early. And I would hang out with Anthony Balzano. Like we'd go to his house and listen to stupid music, you know.

And nobody did drugs. There was no drugs involved. We were just stupid kids. But Dave came. Their house was a hustler house. Carmine as a dad made them all have jobs and do certain jobs and stuff like that. Frankie, the old one, had a car already.

He had like 16 and a half. He had like a learners permit. But he had a car parked a couple of blocks away from the house. You know what I'm saying? Like he was on top of it already. So on Saturdays, you ready for this one, guys? We used to go to Englandstown, New Jersey. Yeah.

All right. And there was a way out now. There used to be the cars, these funny cars. And there were races. On top of the races, there was a flea market. Yeah. But miles and miles of flea market, which basically was all stolen mafia goods.

Wait, wait, wait. Where was this? Englandstown, New Jersey. Okay. A legal racetrack. No, it's all legal. It was funny cars. You know, people with cars on one tire and the ones that pop and the parachutes.

Listen, if you thought I went down there to see the races, shame on you. I didn't give a fuck about cars, okay? I went down there because we went down to the flea market one time. And then we went back down again and a buddy of us said, listen, there's two fucking warehouse right over here. And on Sundays, if you jump the fence, they got dumpsters and they throw away all these are regulars. This was way before fucking Ross, way before those stores.

So I would jump the fence and Frankie would keep his car rolling and I would throw over converse sneakers. And I would have to look for matching pairs. And there were the ones that Julius Irving wore. So we were throwing them over the fence. Yeah. Right? Back to North Bergen and sell them for $20, $15 apiece.

There were 32 plus tax. Those red, white and blue ones? No, no, no, no. The converse, the first ones that Julius Irving, pop them up. Hey, Dr. J, where'd you get those moves? What? These. That's the commercial?

Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Some novices on my tent? You think I just walked off the fucking banana boat? Pop the fucking screen out for these guys here. What? Julius Irving went from the Nets to the Sixes. He also took a sneaker with him. They made a converse, developed a sneaker just for him.

Yeah. And it was called for Dr. J and it was called the limousine for the feet. Now guys. These are the 76ers. He was at the Nets and he went right to the 76ers. Now guys, you ready for this? Yeah. He is just a school you motherfuckers.

Okay. In those days, even if you went. So what are you going to search? Dr. J Converse sneakers. Even if you searched. Yeah. Commercial. Even if you went to, they would, they would.

All right. Let's, the top one. Let's see what the, what, put the music on. What's this guys? This is a real fucking commercial here. No way. Look at this shit. Turn the music off.

Yes it is. The end is still on. Can you believe this is where I live? That's so crazy. Dr. J talking to this is the end. Jesus Christ. That's 17 minutes. That's all.

That's 17 minutes. Yeah. Whoa. I want this. Dr. J. Where'd you get those moves? Are you a member of the human race? Hey.

Look at them. Oh yeah. You're an artist. You're a wizard. Look at, do you see those sneakers? Oh yeah. The red ones. When those came out, it was game over for Joe Diaz.

Yeah. I couldn't sleep at night. If you stepped on my fucking Julia servings. Yeah. The pointy red pointy. Right there. Those. So you got to remember.

Oh, look at this and shit. What is this? Dr. J's. At Rocker Park in New York City. What's this guy? We hit this. Wait till you see this. Look at their hairs.

He had to save that for the playground. This is so cool. And after the school year was up, he began heading to the most famous playground of them all. Here you go. Since the 50s, Rocker Park in Harlem had hosted some tournaments that brought names as big as World Chamberlain and Connie Hawkins to the black top to play a version of the game where style was essential to the substance. The first game you got in on this court here and played like a bum.

You was a bum. So when Jerry serving came to Rocker, he'd either be known in the basketball world as a great player or he would have probably figured out a way to deal with his books. Can you believe this shit? You never saw this, huh? We played in the first game and they kept saying, you wait till Julius gets here. You wait till Julius and I'm like, who's Julius? This guy was a Nick.

Tom Hoover had never heard of him. But soon enough, the kid named Julius was looking at Rocker Park. Oh my god. Whatever, forget. Look at fucking Rocker Park, my friends. Jesus. God takes the ball out to throw the left and forth for a fast break. He jumps up in the air and catches the ball and throws it down.

Charlie Scott, shot. A long shot at Julius K. Took it out of the air. Charlie Scott was a Celtic. Oh my god. That was 30, 40 years ago. That was the first L.A. That was 20 fucking years ago.

40 years ago. They really know good basketball. And if you do something real nice, they show their appreciation. He came down. Look at all these people. Look at all this shit. I had an angle on him. He dunked the ball so bad.

The ball hit me in the top of the head. My teeth fell out on the ground. The crowd roared. I had scrambled to grab them. Hooked the ground and put them back in my mouth. And helped build his reputation. There was just one thing left for Julius to earn at the Rocker. A haircut.

They would call him different names. Little Hawk. He went over to the announcer and said, I'm not the little Hawk. That's Connie Hawk. So then they called him the claw. Oh man, the claw's got the ball going. I was like, I don't know who he's talking about.

He's calling me the claw. I don't want to be the claw. What a rebound by Black Moses. Black Moses, what are you talking about? Black Moses. He said, if you want to call me anything, call me the doctor. Jesus Christ, look at that.

He's up there. He's fucking up there. Jesus Christ. Dr. Jane, Dr. Jane, Dr. Jane. What's your favorite basketball player? Dr. Jane. Why? All his movies do.

That's why. Behind me, up on the roof. What? It's a school. They were all on the roof. Yep. Yep. He drew.

Look at that. Oh my God. Look at his kid. Oh my God. It's a bird. God, look at that. It's like the birds. Look at that.

Look at that. Look at that. Everywhere you looked around. What? There were people. It wasn't even standing room only. People could not. They fucking archivore.

We had people on the bridges. This is where the legend of Dr. Jane started. Look at that. Look at the people in the roofs. God damn. Jesus Christ. Wow. So his popularity.

When that sneaker came out. Oh, he's regular. Jesus. What a memory on you. Oh my God. All the irregulars. You think you didn't remember who you were talking about that? I know.

I'm a fucking professional. I can't be fucking around. 800 milligrams, 200. You know me. I'm always ready to rock and roll. So all the irregulars. So we take the irregulars and fucking and sell them for 20 or the small 15.

Me and Frankie would get like 12, 13 pairs and after the third time we got caught. These dudes circled us and said, listen, you can't be doing this shit no more. This is our fucking angle. What you could do is go buy him from us for five bucks. But me and Frankie in those days used to drive down there when he was 16 and a half. To the flea market? To the flea market in English town, New Jersey, which was a good fucking hour. And we listened to Bachman, Turner overdrive that eight track over and over.

We were going to go take care of business. You know what I'm saying? Me and him, we're going to go take care of business. This is like a theme song. This was it. We were gangsters. We'd stop and get hot dogs. I know we stopped and got White Castle.

And at that age, I knew I couldn't eat White Castle. Because I got such a bad headache. I couldn't leave the house the rest of the day. That next Sunday I woke up and barfed. I didn't eat White Castle again until high school. Tea salty, maybe? Yeah, it was too much sodium. Also gross.

Also gross. Oh, that's delicious. They're awful. Listen, those little White Castles with cheese steamed. Are you fucking kidding me with some fries? They were the worst things in the world. And a Pepsi. Listen, if right now, if right now we drove over to the one in Brooklyn.

They are terrible. If it is not fresh out of the oven, and I mean like take it out and just throw it into your mouth. What do you think we're going to do? You think I'm going to save them for two years? But I'm going to tell you something. People take them to go? What?

I'm going to tell you something. I'll tell you what. I guarantee it. I could be right next to one. And I could get the three packets from Ralph's, steam them, and you were on the difference. Did you know that? You get the three packets from Ralph's. There's a quarter of a week.

A quarter of a week. That's the same. You're saying that's the same as... So what you do is you take the fucking thing. You take a little pie pan, and you fill it with like a half inch of water, and put it under it. My friends do it all the time. We go, oh, they were like, where the fuck do you get these white castles?

And they go, listen, if you listen to the people at Ralph's, they tell you to put them in the oven. That's not the way to do them. You got to steam them the way they do them. And you steam them? That's what I'm saying. Look, you think I eat that shit, but I'll tell you what, out of respect for New York City. Every time I go to New York, I'd get two white castles, and fries and a diet Pepsi.

Am I, are we lion leader? I'm not taking a white castle on 91st Street. You did? Yeah, we nodded on the corner like animals outside. We saw homeless people. The fries are good. They have really good fries. The fries are good.

You'll agree with me. What about what? The burgers. The garbage burgers. What? They're only for when you're drunk. The burgers, oh, god. See, here's the thing.

It's what you like as a kid, because I didn't have a lot of kids. I didn't even like them as a fucking kid, and I'm telling you as an adult, you know what, they're a piece of America. Since 19, how old is white castles? 19, fucking 15 or something like that. Out of respect, you gotta go eat one. And you never die. They always said they were horse meat, whatever.

It's the same shit they give you, and the shit I like as a kid. That's the state that I like. That's your mafia meat. You always talk about, that's your mafia meat. It's white castles. What year? 1921, whatever it is. 1921, they've been serving food.

Come on, give me a fucking breather. It's not cuisine. It's not arty Morton's. It's all like sheep udder. It's what? It's like other meat. I'm telling you. How does it get so gross?

I don't understand how it gets so gross. I'll take you to the fucking one in Nugburge. It's just beef, right? I'll get you a surf and turf and I'll knock your socks off. All right. The burger with the fish patty. In white castles? Yeah, oh, it's a surf and turf.

It's kosher the whole thing. Don't worry about nothing. Where the fuck you been done? I don't call, you don't write. Last time I saw you had a bald head and a leg. Now you show up with hair. Yeah, I gotta cut it again. Fucking broken leg.

What is it with you? You like to, you know, you're loving life and I gotta give you that much. You don't give a fuck. Yeah. And it doesn't matter. It's here. At a good time. You're single.

You have no responsibilities. Hey, you got a apartment there. You got no car. You said, fuck it. You got a bicycle. That's all right. I do. I got a bicycle key.

And that's it, brother. That's all. Who gives a fuck? You got a show and comedy. Chase the sun. Yeah. Chase the sun. Listen, man, at the end of the week, that's all that matters.

You're happy. You're having a good time and you're doing what you love doing. Your story comes out tomorrow. I know. On YouTube. Tell the story. What do you got to remind me for you? Yeah.

What do you got to tell these people? That's good. I was watching it today. At least say it. How are you feeling? I'm good. I had a fun day last week. Did you?

On Thursday. What did you do? I went to the beach for the first time ever in LA. Did you? By LA? Yeah. Where? Where?

Where? Where? Where? Yeah. Well, I was going, I was just going to go to Malibu because I didn't want to fight the traffic to Santa Monica, but someone told me about Point Doom. Yeah. And I went there.

It was great. It was scary though because they have really steep stairs and I was really high. So the stairs were kind of scary, but other than that, it was cool. Is it water? Hell yeah. That was the best part. I went up and I went all the way into my head. Fuck yeah.

I went all the way under. Really? I haven't done that in fucking like 15 something years probably. How cold was it? It was really cold. Oh. Has everything got all those caves? I don't know.

They had surfers. They probably didn't have caves because you had to climb down a mountain. To get there? Yeah. Damn. But it was so fun. A lot of people down in Italy? No.

Well, here's the thing. It's March and it was like a weekday. So maybe, maybe they just didn't have people, but there was no one. It was great. You know, listen, I love the fucking beach. Who doesn't love the fucking beach? Beach is great. It's warm.

I grew up on a fucking beach. Okay. Very great sound effect. What's that? That's Tyra. The cops. The cops always around there. I remember being a kid in the summer as I fucking grew up right in Miami.

I'd go down to Miami for three weeks and the last week my mom would come down and we'd get a hotel with the family I stayed with. She was godmother to their daughter and all those, you know, we'd stay on the beach for eight days, you know, and go out there. I love the beach, but it's such a fucking chore when you live here. It is, but it isn't. Especially if you go to the 101 to the Malibu because Santa Monica is going to be death whenever you want to go.

Why death? The four or five. The four or five. There's no way. But in the other, the best part about it, I didn't say, I took my shirt off. I haven't done that ever. Hell yeah, man. How'd it feel?

It was great. I'm so white. But I was always too self-conscious. Good for you. I was like, fuck it. Yeah. That's a fuck. At the beach.

At the end of the week, yeah, you got a little sun, a little vitamin D on your titties. I got high. There's actually a spot because it got too cold. So I climbed up the mountain and there's a spot. You can just look over the water. They have a lookout spot. It was great. I just sat there on the road all day.

It was really fun. I spoke to you that morning. You sounded very enthusiastic, but at the same time you sounded very like you wanted to go out of your comfort zone. You didn't want to sit around anymore. You just wanted to see. I like it too much. So I'll do it all day if I could.

I would. If I could never leave my house again, I would. That'd be fine. But I wanted to try. I live in LA. I might as well go. You were right. You always told me to get some sun and just get out of the house.

The house is the best. That's why I don't want to leave. Did you eat when you were done? I just stopped when you got a fish burger. I wouldn't have got a burger at a place. No fish tacos. No, but here's the thing. What?

I normally wouldn't go to a place like that and I normally would. I don't like eating alone, so I would take it to go. But I stayed and I ended up talking to a guy and he told me about Pointume. I was just going to go to a random beach. So it's like, I always, it's terrible. I hate being social. But it worked. It did.

So that's why I'm trying to do it more. I went into the beach in San Diego this weekend. I went into the water with my crutches on. I crouched up there. Did you bring your fucked up foot in there? Did you bring your fucked up foot in there too? Yeah. You got some water on it?

I got some water on it. The water heals it with the oil. You just dig in. You just dig in. I fell down a couple of times just standing up in the regular ocean. How did you? Three legs. Three legs.

Once those waves come, it was one more than you. I was, and I had two stars in me with two of the red ones. It wasn't really anything. But I kept thinking, like if I died, I was going to be like the first person to like get blamed for weed. But it wasn't that. Like it was just, I just, I didn't, I only went up to like my waist. And then I just dug under when the waves came.

It was so much fun. I missed going to the beach a lot. And I was doing it a lot before mercy came. Me and my wife were going down there twice a month to the beach. Remember I fell and I got a hole in my leg and I got hit by the rock down there. I was going to the beach a ton. Once my daughter came home, she gets carsick either way. Whether we take the 101 to fucking, you know, the other way down Santa Monica with all the

curves, you know, you get off. What the fuck do you get off? Topanga. We used to get off the four or five to sunset and then get off and make a right and go down that that way. I guess the straightest way would be the four or five to the 10. We used to go to that beach and then both ways she gets sick. So we stopped going, fuck it.

I love the goddamn beach. You know, the Jersey shore, all that shit. But we were talking about something that you didn't fucking know about. Oh man, I just don't know. I know you did because that's no, that hash will take you to where you need to be. That's in the one I do. That's in your jeans. No, that's the fucking edible kicking in.

No, the edible. You're right. You're right. My fault. No, what the fuck? Whatever it is. Who gives a fuck what it is? All right.

Sorry. What were we talking about? We were talking about you hurt your leg before the fucking show. Oh yeah. And we're talking about my skiing thing. A couple of weeks ago, I worked with Marin. Boom. And I was talking about skiing and dimensions and sizes and the guys like, wait a second,

you ski and I go, Doug, for fucking four years, that was my life. Nobody knew about it. Nobody knew that you were a skier. Nobody. I never, I got there in April of 83 and everybody busted my balls. Are you going to ski? Are you going to ski? Are you going to ski?

And my claim to fame was in Jersey one night, my friends took me out. It was midnight skiing at the Playboy Lodge. This is how old along though this was Ari. I know what it is to be cold. Walking the fucking Northern New Jersey with the winds off the Hudson in January, getting off a bus and walking up those three blocks, your ears feel like they're going to crack. Fuck that. When I was skiing the first time with those animals and I got on top of that mountain,

that fucking wind hit me. I tapped out. I threw the skis. And I told the guy to help me and they shot me down on the fucking thing. You want to talk about embarrassment doing with a fucking grandma coke in my pocket and they ball in the room. And I was like, I'll never skate. It's a typical finish goes through your jacket.

I didn't understand how you're going to go skiing on ice when it's cold. You're going to fall and you're going to fucking bump your head. You know, I just didn't feel the logic. But once I moved to Aspen, my friends did what? Because you got powder? Yeah. It's two different words. Yeah.

The East Coast is way worse. The East Coast was garbage. At that time, I didn't know. That's what I started on the East Coast. I didn't know what a good ski was. I didn't know. I had no idea. But all I knew was I didn't like the experience in Jersey.

So here I am in fucking Snowmass Village, November of 83. And I'm surrounded by people, fucking people asking me if I'm going to ski. And I tell them, oh no, I'm a retarded fucking New Yorker at the time. No, I don't fucking ski. Fuck you people. I'm not even going to watch. And one day I went up there and I went to get a bowl of chili. A bowl of stew at the stew pot.

And I walked a long way. And I saw all these people zooming by. And I was like, what is that? I'm fucking 19. What am I doing with my life? What am I doing? I'm going to a gym and hit my back. That's my fucking life.

And I go to Aspen and I fucking take classes or whatever the fuck I'm doing. You know what? Here's the deal. My neighbor was a manager at Sport Kailin. Sport Kailin's a big time sporting thing up there. And his dad died and he had to go back. So I lent him money. And when he came back, he gave me the money.

He goes, listen, your first ski lesson is on me and all the equipment. Just like that. Really? So December 24th, I walked up there, December 24th. I hadn't spoken to him since he got back. And he gave me the cash back like a man. And I walked in there December 24th. And I said, I'm ready to go skiing.

He goes, dog, I'm busy as fuck. I can't give you a lesson. But you're getting tightened up with the best demos I got. And he hooked me up from head to toe with equipment, goggles, gloves. Really? T-shirts, jackets. He was brilliant, man. This was my brother next door.

And he goes, just go out that way and walk. He goes, you know how to do this? You've seen the films at my house, you know? And I fucking walked. It took me an hour to walk from sport-caling to the first lift. It was embarrassing. Why? What do you mean?

How far was it? Longest ski. I never skied like that before. I got on the thing. It took me to the top of the mountain. And I just tried my best, dog. You know what? I got it at first.

I was going down that mountain, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. People pulled me over and taught me how to snow plow, how to stop and shit. But I started with like 185s. They put me on 185s at first. Now, that doesn't even exist. And I went all the way up to 2105s. Something really fucking weird.

I could ski, I should be in those days. And I got hooked right away. And there were these guys in the building that said, listen, we work. Wait, where are 210s and 205s? What does that mean? I don't even know what that is. What's the length? The length of the skis.

Oh. Right. So, there were these dudes from Mankato, Minnesota that lived in the building. And they said, listen, we'll teach you how to ski. We're all fucking pro skiers. Let's go. And they would take me in the mornings. Like at seven in the fucking morning.

And just take me and teach me the thing and little moves. And I would ski with them. I would get all the different colors and shit. But they had me from the beginning of the thing to the intermediate thing in a week and a half. Like they fucking, yeah. And they would trick me. They would take me into those things with the high moguls that I couldn't do in the beginning. Moguls suck.

They suck. That's what fucks up your knees. Yeah. That's what fucks up your knees. You see people in the processor and they go, look what you're doing. Look what you're doing. That's not my game right there. I could go in that medium one.

It takes me an hour to get down on those moguls. I picked four or five of those medium ones that I like Lee. Yeah. And I would hit a beginner one from time to time just to try shit. And Lee, I would get up there as soon as that mountain opened. And I would ski to 11 miss, at the time I worked at Commander Video. Yeah. And I would fucking take my skis and fucking stash them in my house and drive down to Commander

Video and work. And that's what I did four days a week, man. I loved everything about fucking skiing. I didn't like all the drama that people. I was a fucking dude. I went up there with jeans, skis, long underwear, you know, a belt, long underwear top, a t-shirt over that, a jacket with a hood with goggles and a throat thing. So my throat wouldn't get cold.

That's how I ski. I saw people who drop hundreds of thousands of miles in clothing for all that drama. Get the fuck. Once you ski two times, you ain't cold. You ain't fucking cold. Did your legs run cold? Fuck no. If you ski two times, even with jeans, even with jeans with long underwear on, thin, long

underwear, if you take two fucking runs, after those two runs, your body is so fucking warmed up, steam's coming out of it. You'll be begging to take your fucking clothes off. Trust me when I'm telling you. Because once that sun comes out in Colorado, you're up, you know, whatever it is, 1,300 more feet, 13,000 more feet. Once that sun comes out, it hits you, bro. Yeah.

When I was skiing and lifting weights, I was in some of the best shape I was ever in. What if you fell? I would get up. I would get up. I would get up. Knock on wood. I never fell and broke my leg like fucking, you know, Arabia's here. But he went up there cold.

He hadn't skied in a while and he got cocky. That's not true. I had skied like two weekends before. No, it's not going to work. What do you mean that's not going to work? That's a perfect answer for what you said. I am 42 years old. No.

We just did it. I did three days two weeks earlier. That's the product of 42. You're not 28. But I wasn't doing anything that crazy. We forget. It was a little fall. I know.

Yeah. Yeah. A little fall. Well, you're walking around like fucking water mid-journs. Yeah. A little fall. Yeah. A little fall.

And if you were smart, we'd be in the bed right now in the hospital, collecting a couple fucking six figures. We'd be sitting in the mountain and shit the whole day. Oh. Half the mountain would have been mine at this point. Damn it. I would have been in the Colorado hospital right now eating pot cookies. I forgot about it.

With prescriptions and shit. When did I take the cast off? That's around the first time we were up in Colorado doing it. And I was going right into the woods. All right. All right. All right. First run.

It's the first run. Just wait a minute. Right? You should wait a minute. Listen, man, you get so... I didn't know. It was after lunch. What?

I mean, when are you going to do it? Do you only get two days? You only get two days after lunch the first day. That's the right time to do it. Okay. I stand by my decisions. You take a little beginner run first. Yeah.

I did that to get to where... To warm up. Yeah. That's right. You take a little medium run. Yeah. And you do another medium run. And then you call it a day.

What? Because you're 42. And you have that shit to do. You go back. You take a nice hot shower. You take some leave. Listen to me. Yeah.

You take a little leave. You have a nice fucking steak. Stomach is style. After three, four runs, you're out of oxygen. What? Your legs get all fucking acidic. You know, you can't move them. They feel heavy.

It's your first day there. You don't want to burn out. Autopilot. So anywhere like two to three to four runs, you're silent like a motherfucker. Oxygen to privacy. It makes you... It makes all the muscles burn to the same ratio. And then you end up being able to last a lot longer.

Really? Yeah. That's if you're there for six weeks and you acclimate it. Not when you just stroll into town like don't guess at each. And you go up there and look at your fucking, you know, like fucking... Fucking half a long guess at each. Now you're fucking walking around with stilts. You're the first Jew who would still stay ensuing.

You don't even know who to sue. You don't even know who to sue. I would have stayed on that hill. I would have stayed on that hill if I'm Jewish. My leg up was yelling and screaming, obscenities. For a long guess at each. How long did they take them to get you down the hill after that? Dude, it took me like two hours.

How embarrassing is that? I didn't ask them to take me down. I just skied down. Broken ankle. Okay. And then what? Why didn't you ask them to take me down? Your nose broken.

And then when you got to the bottom, did you drive yourself to the hospital? No. I just walked to the fucking rental place, walked down the stairs. People were behind me. Not one person helped. Not one person helped. Some struggling down the steps. Some fucking foreigner came up and said,

Excuse me. You look like you're in trouble. Do you need some help? I'm like, yeah, that'd be great. Then I got my boot off and then I walked around for a couple of days. Swelling went up and swelling went down. Then bruising started. Then I was in Vancouver.

Four days later, five days later. And you flew? No. Then I saw the hospital next to the Vancouver comedy mix. So I went there, sat next to fucking drug addicts. Would you have gone to the hospital if it wasn't right next to the comedy club? Probably not. Almost definitely not.

Almost definitely not. But it was getting out of control. That might have actually been why I went. Because I was like, it's not going to get more convenient than this. I'm on the road with nothing to do. I may as well just go now. That's terrible, Ari. That's fucking terrible.

Yeah, broken. Broken. I was walking around. Five days. God wouldn't know. What? God wouldn't know, you know. When you flew from fucking Colorado to Vancouver.

So that means you could have got a blood clot in the air. You gotta be, you're a lucky dude, man. And have it after Vancouver. That's when Whistler. So you broke it. Before Vancouver. You broke it where? In Whistler.

Oh, so you went all the way to Canada to break your leg. Where's the fucking genius here? You went all the way to Whistler to break. I thought you broke it in Colorado. No, I did Colorado with no problems. That was easy in, easy out. Great time. Good runs.

Fucking awesome. Yeah. How many days? Three days. How many runs a day? All of them. All of them. Five to ten?

No. You get more than that. Unlike the back balls and shit. Come on. Yeah. You can just. You can just ski. How many fucking runs?

How many times do you have? Yeah, maybe like ten, ten or twelve. Look at you. Cause you just get back there for a long time. Especially if you get back there first. You get a couple runs before anybody even gets on the line. It's a weekday. Hmm.

Yeah, you get a bunch. Smoke right on the lift. Try to get that only you, you know. Now you gotta get with people. Only you. Then you can light up. How are you gonna get with people? Listen to me.

What? The most interesting times I've had. Oh. Have been in those days. You know, I have a couple vivid fucking memories of that skiing stuff. Like a lot of this shit. I remember one time taking out a line of people. My first, the second day of skiing.

I thought I had that plow down to stop. And there was maybe twenty people. I took like fourteen of them down. Oh my God. I was never so embarrassed. Okay. That's one tremendous, another fucking tremendous man was waking up with a hangover. How long you know me?

Like I never have a hangover. No, I never have a hangover. I woke up with a hangover. Not even drugs. At that time I wasn't doing coke. I was on a strict reefer alcohol only. But did something weird just happen? What?

What do you mean weird? Did something really sound go off or no? I didn't hear that. Okay, great. I didn't hear that either. Good to know. Wow. No.

Back to the show. Are you hearing things? Yeah, apparently. What did you hear? It was like, whoosh. At least it was pumped. Maybe it was speedy, though. My lord.

Anyway, so don't get on there. I'm fucking hungover to the gills. And I get on one of those gondolas, you know, two looking at you, two looking at two and two. What? So there's two guys looking at you and two fucking looking at them, you know what I'm saying? And whatever, a fucking gondola.

And it's three dudes. So I get in there. I put my skis. I sit down. At first they're very, how are you? And I can see they're stressing out. They're kind of like, you know what something one doctor takes out. I didn't know he was a doctor yet.

One of the guys takes out a fucking joint. He goes, do you mind? And I go, no, not really. And I took one of mine. And he's like, come on, let's do this. And he goes, we got like 13 minutes to get. We started smoking. On the gondola?

Whatever the fuck it was, gondola. Yeah, hotbox. Whatever. And we smoked them, smoked them. And that's when I asked them what they did. They were doctors. They were visiting. They only smoked them.

They went out of town. They were lit. What? They were lit. You know, even then I was getting some shit from the Willy Creek Tavern. What did I do? My main man, Kato, was picking up a bag a couple of days a week. And that's one of my most vivid memories, getting off the gondola with them.

And how fucking stoned they were. And like seeing them like two hours later in that little hut in the middle eating cheeseburgers and fries and drinking and fucking like buying me fucking lunch. Buying lunch on us, you know. Would you take a couple of runs sober? What's that? Would you take a couple of runs sober first? Because I don't like driving.

Once I went skiing maybe four times. If you want me to lie to you, I'll lie to you. Once I went skiing four times, I figured out, A, I didn't want to Walkman. I wanted to hear nature. Yeah, I don't like to Walkman. The idea of the Walkman, no, no. Garbage. Garbage.

Garbage. I agree. Totally garbage. I agree. I didn't like music when I skied. Yeah. I agreed that I wanted my hat, my head covered. But I also agreed on one thing, that I was getting stoned to the fucking guilt.

Before you even got on the first lift? Please. I would love to say a word before that. Way before I get on the first. I took a one or two skied lift. Let's get down to basics. Thank you. Yeah.

And then when you find a place, there you go. Let's get down to basics. Second, third. When I lived that creek side, D12, that whole building was skiers on the drive up because they had a scam. What they did was they, in the winters, they drove the bus back and forth for people who went white water rafting. And in the winters, they all had jobs at different mountains, so they could all ski at different

mountains. There was a scam. These guys were running. They were beautiful. There were you at 18. It was, listen, I wish I was lying to you guys. It was 37 guys from the same neighborhood, all around the same ages. Some guys that went to college, it didn't work out.

They were a little confused. They didn't know what to do with their lives. They all picked up and they got two apartments in the same building and they slept everywhere. And that's all they did. I was working the kitchen industry or whatever was there at night and skiing the daytime. And I admire that today. I remember those guys. That's pretty cool.

I don't remember their names. I remember one guy, Todd Bachman, Kiehl's was the girl. I don't remember the two boyfriends, but I think about them so much because they would force me to go up there. And they're the ones that taught me that those first 10 days in and out to wear the ski, wear not the ski, wear you get high in those days, wear you couldn't get high. They were beautiful. But when I lived at D12 with those savages, we got high before we went up there.

Then I went back to Jersey and I went back to Snowmass. Forget it, all bets were off. I lived at 435 Faraway Road and it was ski on, ski off, my friend. All I had to do was walk on my balcony, close the fucking door. It was one of those sliding doors. My skis would be right there. I'd pick them up. I'd walk maybe 15 feet.

I'd throw the skis down, click on the button, excuse me. I'd push myself out and I'd maybe go 60 yards and the gondola would be right there. I'd go to a different part of the fucking thing. Guys, you have no idea. How expensive was all this? I didn't cost me a dime. I was house in. What?

I was not supposed to be walking on that balcony, but I don't give a fuck. You live in California. This was a write-off. If you have access to that balcony, you can get onto the ski. Holy shit. I had a ski pass anyway. If you lived there, you always got, once you're a resident, in 83, if you were a resident in whatever, even if you were broke, you skied.

Because somebody would give you a ticket. I'd say somebody would buy a whole day ticket and a ski till one o'clock and go, Lee, here. Get up there. It's fucking beautiful. You take that ticket, staple it to your shirt, and go up with that ticket. Nobody's going to look at it. It's orange. It's the color of the day.

Every day they would switch colors on in those days. Whatever the color of the day was, and you know what I do? I take the same jacket and I keep the things on it, and after a while they stop looking. They know you're a resident. I had a three-month pass, Ajax, and the other one, Aspen, whatever, and that motherfucker. Ajax was too scary for me. That was too real. Really?

Why? That's too real. Why? Go to Ajax. That's tough. Next time you go to Aspen, look up at Ajax, and ask yourself, why? Don't even try it. I want to go to Steamboat.

You ever go to Steamboat? Beautiful. Really? I miss that. All that fucking shit is beautiful, man. Steamboat, Gunnison, that part of Colorado is fucking beautiful, guys. It really is. You know, I don't know what it's like now, and people have, I'm talking 30 fucking years

ago, Gunnison, my buddy, Mike, Mike, the knife, remember he wrote the book with the fucking knife? Absolutely. Yeah, him, all those guys. That's where they live. Yeah. And, you know, I miss that style of living. I could have done it.

Excuse me. What's up, Arie? Nothing. You're looking good. You want to hear another hit? Should we take a breather? What are you even talking about? Should we take the hash pipe or glove again?

Should we do some ashes and take it to the next level? Not necessarily. You know, I was in Hawaii. We could do it right here. Some guy saw the acid when we did. He did what? Some guy in Hawaii, the hotel I worked in. I was living in.

Saw the acid thing we did. He was like, hey, man, I saw that acid thing he did. I was checking it and I was like, hey. You want to do some acid now? Yeah, let's go whip it out. No, we can't do it right now. Let's don't. Let's split it all up.

Listen, dawg, let me tell you. Seven hits. I go that fucking night. This guy looked me in the eye and said, just to do one drop. What? That's it. He goes, just do one drop. No more, no less.

You can tell the guy meant business. Oh. And I respect him. So what do you do? One drop right in your tongue? Or do you put it on your finger? Because what if you get... Put it in your tongue, put it in your eye.

But what if you accidentally do more than one drop? No, we just want to do one drop. I know, but how are you going to measure that out evenly? Because your uncle Joe is here to save you. Because we're going to eat a piece of paper. We're going to do the same way they did the fucking set. You know what Blotter asked of this? So you take that one drop, you put it on a piece of paper, let it soak in, then you

eat the paper. Like that. Ring, pang, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Who the fuck? What? What do you think you're doing? Who do you think you're dealing with?

Wait. Who do you think I was dealing with? Maybe Joe Benin. I was thinking of somebody that I was dealing with. And especially these albums right there. You see that paper right there? That's a little thicker. You take that album cover, you give it a little piece of that.

We just do one little drop, you put it on your tongue, you look back, you drink the water. And that's it. We'll put it on the fucking end and we'll turn off the lights and we'll see what's cracking in this fucking world. I saw the worst movie after the beach. And it's falling. It's falling.

It's falling. Oh, that was the worst. You were there by yourself, Sharon. Oh, I was laughing at it. It was the worst movie I've ever seen. Who is in the movie? It's Gerard Butler. Oh, Jesus Christ.

He plays what? He's a secret service agent. It's like a sequel to White House Down or something. One of those ones. One of those two. What else is playing at the movie thing? I don't even know. But listen, he was like fighting terrorists.

And he had a whole scene where he's like, all you terrorists are the same. You think a building matters? We're more than a building. We'll come back. And he's like, just making a speech to a terrorist. It was the worst. Who talks shit into these movies? I just didn't want to fight the traffic.

I don't want to help from the beach. Listen, I'd rather sit there and look at a fucking wall. Didn't you have a bag of stars? I ate two. I ate two more and just sat there. I did. I just started laughing at it. There are only three people in the theater.

What else is in the movie theater? What movie was that? How London has fallen? Oh, I've never heard of it. That's one if you wanted to make fun of people. What else is in that movie theater? I have no idea. Fucking Darkpool?

What's his name? I've seen Deadpool. That was awesome. Joey doesn't want to see it. But I see it's awesome. Why don't you want to see it? New superhero? He's not shitting on the memory of anything that you love.

I'm 53. I need to see a superhero movie. When does it end? When does it end? When do I give in and just fucking shoot myself? What do you want? What do you want then? Listen, when you're 52, I don't want to watch the Superman cartoons.

If you're over 19, I can't have you watching Superman. What do you want? I don't know if that's enough. You can't watch the Super Bowl? Superman cartoons. What? It's not a cartoon. Whatever the fuck it is.

A fake anime. Whatever. I can't deal with that shit. A fucking superhero. You're adults. Get it together. You're fucking adults. Everybody wants to believe in superheroes.

You don't believe in them. It's like wrestling. No, I don't want to be involved. You're aware of that. I don't want to be involved. There's no real superheroes. No, no, no, but I don't want to be involved at all. When I was 12, listen, when I was 12 and 13, I liked Spider-Man.

Yeah. Once I ate somebody's pussy, Spider-Man went away. You understand me? That's what happens. I don't need Spider-Man in my life. I ate Spider-Man. What do I give a fuck? What do you do when she's gone?

What do you do when she's gone? What do you do when she's gone? What do you do when she's gone? What do you do when she's gone? What do you do when she's gone, working her regular job, and you're lying in bed? I think I'm a silver surfer. Come on now. I don't know.

But I don't give a fuck about superhero movies. I want to see Batman in the beginning. That last one was with Michael Keaton. I went to see the one with, you know, shit. Can you believe they put Michael Keaton in that? I didn't know. 87, 88. I like movies.

But listen, guys, by 2000, you already see the fucking curve coming. Now they just write them. They got more superheroes than what they fucking know. What's his name? They don't even know. He's 92 years old. They just keep designing superheroes and they bring in prototypes. Stanley?

He's half-retarded. Yeah. Stanley's half-retarded. He probably has more money than any of us. Then God, he don't even know how much. They're robbing him blind. I've heard through the grapevine. They're robbing him blind.

Even if they're robbing him blind, he still hasn't fucking... He probably had enough money where they cloned his body or something. I'll give you some insight and follow him. This is the type of motherfucker I am. Let me give it to you guys. I heard that those comic-cons, he's got handlers. Yeah. And the handlers will go up to him and say, Mr. Lee, we just got a call.

We just got a call from whatever we need for you to sign these prints. And it's a MOOC like you or me that gives this guy like 10 Gs for him to sign like 20 prints. What? Oh. And poor Stanley don't even know what the fuck you signed it. I just signed it or what? He just signed it or what? So he's just a good actor then?

Because his acting is always pretty okay. Hey, he always gets behind the movies. You're right. Like, he seems pretty normal. Listen, take a prop up a fucking dead fucking. Yeah, with editing. With editing. Maybe.

You could smile. Take it to 10 takes. And that was great. And that's it. All they need is one go, one 10. I mean, they're not writing fucking a lead for him, right? Yeah. They never write a lead for him, right?

That'd be hysterical they did, but no they don't. Then we show them smiling or waving or saying, what was that? Because they have, you know, something like that. So relax. I'm telling you right now, I heard he's amputated. There's the word on the street and those guys that handle them, they do behind the fucking, you know, they do shady shit. What the fuck are they doing?

Enjoy bananas? Huh? What's up? Are you sitting there all moped up? You need another star? You need another head of ass? What are we doing? It's Monday night, March 14th.

We got to celebrate St. Paddy's Day, even though there's no average people in the fucking room. Look at the shape. Jesus Christ. He's done. He's done. He's just sitting there with a look on his face like going, what happened? This hash is taking two people on him. Jesus Christ.

Nobody wants to smoke more than ashes. What are you talking about? There's no more hash. This hash is tremendous. I guarantee your leg don't hurt. It does not. That's something you work for. Yeah.

You can't scare you like me. You know what that is? You know what that is? You know what that is? It's not the stars of death. That's the remedy, the trifecta remedy you gave me. Right there in that cup. And then what?

That is the master of the set. You forget the hash. Early on, before this whole reefer revolution, you and I used to go to Hashmart, Cushmart. Cushmart. And they used to sell those little containers with two cookies for ten bucks. Oh yeah. They were made from hash. They were oatmeal and chocolate chip.

Everybody knew to get the oatmeal. They were tiny. Tiny. Two cups. It was a cup. You were like, what? They're tiny. They're tiny.

The little cups. The little cups. It's called like a salsa cups. But the ones where you're like, please give me a bigger one. That's good because I'm sure they taste terrible. They weren't that bad. Not the oatmeal. Yeah.

It was hash. It was this shit. I used one of those and went to Clash of Titans at Man's Chinese right there. Oh. With you two from where it fucked. Lee, you left no fucking idea. Those hash things. Those hash things.

Different level. Different level. I'm afraid. Deep into the murky waters at the end of the world. I have to give you some hash chocolate chip cookies. Oh, Lee. Get them started with seven. What do you mean seven?

Well, now get them started right where he's going to go. He's going to start with seven of the hash cookies. Because you know he's going to eventually get there. So let's just get him there right now. What are we at right now? The 800? Yeah, some of your 800 and like hash on our glass. We should do 200 more just to call it a fucking night tonight.

Sure. Has anybody said you look like Lex Luthor? Probably. And George Lex Luthor. Lex Luthor? People have said that? Sure. You just started it.

What do you got to eat over at the house lately? What are you thinking about right now? Nothing. I've been eating healthy for a while. It sucks. I haven't had soda for like four days. So how are you feeling without the soda? Actually, I had a lot of anxiety the first night to be honest with you.

Like when I was out of soda, I haven't been out of soda in years. It scared me. I had like almost a panic attack. Really? It scared me a lot. And after I looked at it, luckily I haven't had headaches or anything. What do you substitute? No iced tea?

Just water so far. Look at you. You're as tough as fucking nails. Oh, I had one beer at Kettlebells. A beer? Yeah. No, that's not wrong with that. I'm just saying that if you're not substituting iced tea, maybe for the caffeine buzz you

were getting. No, I need to find something. No, you don't. You're already off. It's four days. Yeah, but... You're good. You're good.

Yeah, we'll see. I haven't had a long day like today, so we'll see. I'm doing okay so far. Oh, yeah. How come... What does that have to do with you not giving me that water? Which one? The one that no one has gone to yet.

I wouldn't have given you a water. I got water out of it. You can't have brought it up yet. You gotta know where. You got the last one. You're all jealous. You're all jealous. How do you admit it?

Fucking... San Jose was a lot of goddamn fun. Believe it. Was it really? Yes, it was. You know, you always go up there and you go, fuck, it's a big place. You know, you always go up there like with this weird attitude. And then about four years ago, you went up there and sold it out one Thursday night.

Yeah. And that broke the bank. That turned the tide. People were like, what the fuck happened last night? Everybody. They were going to Montreal and getting the standing ovation. Same impact. Now they're all scrambling.

What the fuck's the podcast? What the fuck is going on? How does this work? Why are these kids doing this shit? That was it. That's the one that got it all going. So when I went up to this radio, I'm like, you know what, man, fucking Thursday, I already fucking killed that place with no radio, no nothing.

I had one radio call. I love San Jose. And the guy that runs the place and the employees, that's a great fucking club. I like the hotel. I like original Joe's with all my life. I love McCormick and Smith's. I went on Friday for Lent. I had the best Lent ever.

I had the best Friday Lent ever. I'm not going to lie to you. I got for breakfast. And before I went to bed, I had a plan on my menu for lunch. For breakfast, I got a bam, locks, bagel, cream cheese, extra red onion, like a motherfucker, a couple capers for flavoring. And I banged that motherfucker out. Bam.

For lunch, I went over to original Joe's. Spaghetti and clam sauce, half order with a fucking ensalada with light vinaigrette and shit, no bread, like an animali. I ate that down. I worked out. I did the elliptical for 40 minutes. Boom. I smoked some reef.

Boom. I went over to fucking McCormick and Smith's and got the, you know, meat. From four to seven, they got the $2 menu. Well, inflation has come. It's not a $2 menu no more. It's the two, five, seven and nine menu. So I dabbled in the $7 menu. I got the...

Hi, Roller. Come on. You know me, dawg. You're not going to run with the fucking wolves who you're going to run with. Yeah. Who? Who? This was white wine.

Oh. Very nice. And I got something else. Oh, shitly. I got the shrimp tacos with the, with the spicy ranch dressing or something. You do not have ranch dressing. I had it on the side and I dipped the taco in it. It was delicious.

I poured it on the fucking shrimp. I should have some on the face. It was hollow. At least I had... I should have like a car crash. I should have feared. Hold on. Come back.

I should have feared. Have some more. I should have feared. Come back. Come back. Yeah. Pile it to Bombardier. Pile it to Bombardier.

That was such a nice place. Let me tell you something. That fucking... Those shrimp tacos. It was like... Where? Two tacos at this McCormick Instruments to Happy Owl. Seven bucks.

Two big tacos. And I had the white mussels. That's what I had for dinner Friday night. That was it. One piece of bread. I dipped it in the... There's one piece of bread they give you. There's one with dervish.

Like a showman shoe to show you a piece of bread that's burnt. They fucked with the wrong mother fucker. I dipped it in that butter sauce and it was delicious. Support McCormick Instruments. I've been eating this since 1995. Do you know that? What kind of specs? They used to have the $2 special in 1995.

From 4 to 7 and from 11 to close. Cheeseburger, $2. Order of fries, $2. Coconut bottle, $2. Two crab cakes, $2. Shit like that. Fuck yeah, when you're broke, that's where you eat McCormick Instruments. Oh yeah, that's $2 burgers.

$2 burgers, Lee. Happy hour. What the fuck you think you're dealing with, Lee? We never did clarify who we thought we were dealing with. That's right. I don't know. That's the story by the issue. Have you ever thought about doing what Tom Rhodes did?

What's that? Just go around. Go on the road. Not even have an apartment? All the time. So why don't you do it? I don't know. I don't want to go full on.

I've had to go places for a while. But you get Airbnb and just have an apartment there forever. There's no there. But yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Just wherever I want. I think it'd be awesome. Yeah. You know, I met with...

Yeah. You guys' lifestyle seems awesome. Yeah. I met with... Gordon. He's gonna help me write the book. I'm one of that great guy. I've known him for a long time.

But it's funny how I told him. I said, you know, if you really think about it, I have three lives. And I'm proud of all of them. You know, I had my biography. I've got my drug life of 27 years. And then there was another life I had. Oh, a comic. Oh yeah.

And it's June. It's gonna be $25. $25. 25 years. Really? $25. Yeah, 25 years this June. And it's so funny how I read that.

I mean, I could write a book just from June 18th of 1991 until today. I could write a book. And if I tell you what, the best time of my comic life was when I lived out what I listened to as a kid, like when it felt like I was an almond brother store. When I came back here and I got into the store, I was very proud of myself for getting into the store. But I knew I wasn't good. I was never confused.

I knew I was missing a couple components. And my confidence didn't get better at the store in a way. I was still confused to who I was doing. I was in between stand-up and dice. And, you know, I didn't really know what the fuck I was doing. And I went to the improv one night. Yeah. And I got sandwiched.

Sandwiched what was in those guys? In between Nick Topolo and Doug Statham. Oh. And I went into the show. And I went home. And at the time I was selling. What was this? This has to be 98 and a half.

Okay. I thought I was a bad motherfucker. Like, I had had a couple fucking just tremendous bombs on me. Like, failures. Like, first off, I couldn't follow Damarera in the main room. Or the black kid with dreads. I always suffered there on the weekends. From Tuesday to Thursday and Sunday nights, I would rip the fucking store apart like I

owned it. The rest of the nights, I was a fucking peasant. When I went to the improv that night, I used to, I had no place to live. I used to sell screws on Ivar. If you go to Hollywood Boulevard and you make a left up the hill, like you go to the 101 in the middle there. There's a little compound. I used to park my car out there, do the last line of coke, and sleep until about 4.45.

And then I'd go in and have coffee and donuts. And so I'd refuel. And I'd get on the phone. I'd sell screws. I was probably making... Where does that mean sell screws? Huh? Where does that mean sell screws?

Sell screws on the phone to contractors. What screws? Nuts, bolts, fucking whatever they needed. I had already sold cigars for like four or five months. Where did you get the nuts and bolts? Some guy sold them in an office. Like he had a company and the job was you went there and you sold, you had to be there by five because it was eight o'clock on the east coast.

So you worked from five to about 12 o'clock and you went home and you couldn't make fucking two bills a day. I was making 80, 90, you know me. I didn't give a fuck. But at the same time I was faxing people. Faxing people? In those days the fax was huge. So what bookers in those days wanted you to do was to fax them.

So on Monday mornings I would go there. I would sell one or two things. I would have 15, 20 minutes of sport and I'd make a count during the month of June. Okay? And I'd put where I was going to be and I'd put comedy store. On the nights I was in LA I'd put fucking comedy store. And then if I was going to go on the road for somewhere or something, I had a manager at the time that was booking me.

I would fax these people and they didn't book me for the first six months. But because I faxed them every fucking Monday from this place consistently eventually they started giving me work. The place that would give me work first a lot was El Paso. And then it was from El Paso, you know, the club in a little bar in Austin gave me work. Then there was a little place in San Antonio and then you start getting these little jobs. The happiest I was in County was when I left that November that year and didn't come back till fucking April.

Who the fuck does that and just stayed out? Look at the shape of both of you fucking momos. This guy's phasing out. You're seeing purple fucking things on the table. But that was tremendous. Stayed up there to ski. I can't imagine going out of the country and doing that. What do you mean why?

That's the first time I did it. It was in the Swiss Alps a few years ago. No, no, no. I'm not talking about skiing. Oh, what? I'm talking just about going out and doing comedy for six, seven months. Why not? Just in Europe.

Get the fuck away. I don't understand. No, no, no. I'm saying because I never had a passport or whatever. But when I lived here, when I lived here, when I first got here for two and a half years, I lived on the road, guys. I didn't spend time in LA. I went on the road old school.

I would book six weeks and stay out for 18 weeks and I would book as I was out. I would book as I was out. I had Roger Paul. I had the dude in Michigan. I had Tribble. I had to do it in El Paso. I had the Miami improv. I had the funny bone in Little Rock, Arkansas.

I had 29 fucking scams. I had the guy in Buffalo. I had the guy in Toronto, the hypnotist, Comedy Wood. He would book you two weeks back to back. He'd pay you 600 a week American, but at least you were in Toronto. Dude, look at the shape of Harry. He can't stop blinking. Jesus Christ.

Why are you on her so fast? Jesus fucking Christ. He's black people. You should see him. He hasn't stopped fucking Blinky Lee. And the other guy, look at poor Lisa. Lisa, we don't do 100 anything. You guys, I don't understand.

I took four times the amount that I would advise myself to take. Right. And then that amount was 6% of what Lee took. I don't understand what's become of you. Five years, four years of joining us. So how many million dollars did you take? Just 800. 800 million.

Why not? Who knows? Five percent. Who knows? And then Uber? No Uber. No Uber in this family. Oh, it puts these Uber.

Oh, it puts these Uber. Guess what? I'm not even Uber tonight. No, this is good. This is good for the soul. You won't know the star. Fuck no. I got to do shit.

What do you got to do? You got to do shit. I got to do press stuff. What was the first time Joey dosed you, do you remember? I feel like I was done on weed at first. But I remember him doing it in the old studio first, the switcheroo. By then he already dosed me plenty of times. No, I mean like when he first met him.

Yeah. No, I feel like those memories are all gone now. Do you remember Joey? Do you remember like what you used to do to Joey? No. Think of me high. Wasn't too high. It was pretty high.

Yeah, he really evolved into a torture on you. No, no, we used to always get your weed high. Weed high. Yeah. It wasn't the edibles yet. It wasn't the edibles yet. You guys attack out like on audition. What are you smoking?

Like awesome weed. Some guy gave me. Meanwhile, he was fucking killing motherfuckers on the other side of town. This was fucking on the top shelf. Like one store. Well, there was a place I was getting weed from on Sunset. Why? It used to be a weed shop, a weed head store.

It's still there. It's still fucking there. They sell bongs. They sell crack pipes. They sell posters. They sell obscure shit. The guy's really nice. But in the back from...

They don't have the crack pipes in the back? They have crack pipes at 7-Eleven. You don't even know him, stupid. Are they roasting? Yeah, they got crack pipes everywhere. But this place has like meth pipes, the really good ones. Shit like that, you know. The best meth pipes?

Yeah. Listen, that's what they do. Incense. And behind that, years ago, was a weed store. A weed store that they did a really good job with. But they claimed to fame was this weed that an Arab chick was growing. This woman was fucking beautiful. And this weed was fucking beautiful.

It was 25 pounds a gram. It was their Supero G+. It was death. It was death. I still think about it sometimes. And I'll never forget that the girl had stopped growing it because her parents found the operation. Really?

And they made it shut down. That was the end. She sold the seed to somebody else and whatever. And they had to find that. It was some fucking drama or something. So who the fuck knows? The weed industry is so interesting. What's that brother?

The weed industry. Because it's going to explode. It's exploding right in front of your fucking eyes. America doesn't see it. I remember when we took a weed, we ate weed cookies in Chicago. This guy opened up his bin of weed cookies outside the club. And you wouldn't eat any. Everybody was eating weed cookies.

And you were like, nah. But then when you waited until the guy ate one himself, as soon as the dude ate one himself, then you went in there. And ate like two of them. Oh my God. And we all got so fucking high. And you had a heart attack. I had a mild heart attack.

It knocked my balance off, guys. One edible? Maybe two. I think one. First off, let's clear the air. I've been eating pot edibles. I've been doing drugs for 30 years. You got to wake up early in the morning to put one on me.

I know pretty much everything it feels like. I did an eighth of an oxy cotton. I thought I was going to fucking die, guys. I'm going to tell you something. He was close to killing me that night. He knew how strong. There was something else in that cookie. You think so?

Till this day, I know it's on. There was something else in that cookie. I came back fucked up, Lee. Fucked up to the point where my equilibrium was off. How quickly did you know it was wrong? Like, immediately? When I woke up the next morning, I didn't feel good at all. I barked.

I had a headache. I didn't drink the night before. I don't drink. It was the Chicago improv. It was the Chamburg improv. We were leaving. We went to a bar. The wait staff just hit me up the other day.

I waited for the Asian guy. Some guy came with cookies and a cellophane wrapper. They came sealed like seal-a-meal type shit. There was a professional dude. He came and he said, try these cookies and people. I'm like, guys, don't eat those cookies. When I saw him pull one out of the middle and cut that thing open, I'd start eating it like it was fucking Christmas.

I said, fuck you. Give me one of those things. I ate one. It was delicious, Lee. And nutritious and strong. I took like six out to my room and within an hour, I was on a different fucking planet, Lee. Different planet.

I mean deep into the murky waters. And within another hour, I was feeling something. I hadn't felt in fucking years. I was close to vomiting a little bit. But I would talk myself out of it. You know, usually I get anxiety. I wasn't getting anxiety that night. So that was something really strong.

The next morning I woke up, took a shower, drank coffee, smoked a cigarette. I didn't feel too good. I went back to LA and I didn't feel good. The next day I went to Waxman and that's when they did the EKG. And they gave me some medication and what the fuck God knows what. And I wasn't doing blowing. Not at all. That was the very beginning of me not doing blowing.

We haven't been in Schoenberg in a long fucking time. Yeah. I did, as I said. You're going to be alright, don't you? Yeah, eventually. Okay. I'm saying crooked myself. You don't see me fucking stopping the party and shit like that.

Are you good? Did you go to a record store in San Jose or anything? We walked over to one day. It was raining. What's up? Did you go to a record store in San Jose? Yeah, we walked over. It was raining and we stopped.

And that was, I think he went over there. I went over there the next day. I didn't find nothing for me. I want to know what a list this time. I was looking for Elton John. I was looking for a little sound garden. I was looking for Pink Floyd. Any of the other ones I don't have from my favorites.

And they had nothing. They had some other classics that I would have bought, but they were high priced. Is it just too crazy to buy online too expensive? You know, listen, again, what are we talking about when we're talking about vinyl? We're talking about the whole experience. Yeah. We're talking about, let me tell you something, when I went to Atomic Records the other day in Burbank, and I found Death Leopard High and Dry and Death Leopard Pyromania

in the deep fucking area. My head almost exploded. Look at the shape of those. They're fucking beautiful. You've been doing that? How long? What do you mean? Records?

People started giving them to me. What? And then Damon gave us a record player for Christmas. People send you all these? Well, I went down to them and got a few of those. Wow. God, wait. This is the way it came 30 years ago when the album came out.

You know, they just redid them. They charge you up the ass. But you know, look how much activity an album gave me in those days. Exclusive new poster, 100-gram heavyweight vinyl, original packaging, and it was original packaging. Look at all this crazy artwork. Wow. Oh, you can't see what I see.

Okay. And then look at the thing, you can't really feel it. Like you can, but you have to steal physical albums. So it's like... You could try. They're so big. I didn't even put them in anything. Do you steal records?

Do you ever steal records? How do you steal records? They're so big. They're so big. What do you think you're dealing with? We never really did clarify that. I know a lot of people thought I was dealing with somebody that wasn't you. In the West New York records label and the stores and peak places where I grew up, I

would never try to clip tape. The security of the stores were too small. Yeah. I would drive to Paramus. I forget who used to drive me in those days. And I'd go in there and I'd legitimately buy an album. What I was really looking for. Yeah.

$699, $799, trust me. It's worth buying the fucking $8 album. I would walk out with the receipt and the album in a bag. But then I'd bump into Lee mysteriously. And they go, holy shit, what's up, nun? We're going to... I go, you know what? Let me go back anyway.

You know, three of us talking about... And you guys go. Now, when I went in to buy this album the first time, you know what I did? I took the albums I wanted and I put them on one bit. So I'll start with four or five albums. Yeah. All right. I'll put them all on one bit.

Yeah. And then once a bunch of people go online, the security was watching us this way. I would go with the bag I had. Yeah. Okay. And I would go through again. And this time I would put an album up on the thing and put what I paid for down already. But the albums would be under the bag.

So basically, I would be holding this album in a bag. But with this hand, I'd be holding four albums, like a fucking magician. And I put them down like this. I'd pay for the album when they gave me the next album. I'd grab them all like this and I'd walk out of the store. I'd pick them up like this. And I'd walk out and security would look at me walking out this way. But you see my thumb?

It would really be holding three or four albums out. Absolutely. Yeah. That was the one way. That was the one half ass way. But our main way was Pathmark on Tunley Avenue. How'd you get them? Pathmark, Tunley Avenue the day time.

The one day you shopped. Yeah. But if you went over them with a magazine aisle and the aisle aisle was right next to this to civilization. And all you had to do was a gate separated. That gate, you could slip albums out through that gate. That gate was. So again, you're going in the day time, you take the albums you want.

And you put them right by the fucking gate there. You come in, you buy a steak, a gallon of ice cream, some tampons. You buy them on the way out. You come back and pick the fucking thing of albums up and walk the fuck out of Pathmark. And it's two in the morning so there's no security. You just dump them right outside. And then you go around and you pick them up. No, no, no.

You walk right out of the store with 12 or 15 albums. What? Yeah. I'm in. I mean, how do you want to do it? Let's take it later. You have no idea. If you went to back to that Pathmark today, would you pay them extra for something or

B, steal something for old time's sake? I would pay for whatever they had to off. Okay. Can you imagine me at this age getting caught for fucking shoplifting somewhere? You know how embarrassed I am. You shopped at it as of four years ago. You would steal from the Burbank Airport. I would steal from a couple of airports as a principal.

Sir, so there's tic-tacs, tic-tacs to say sharp you said. Hold on. Let me tell you a little. Let me legitimize the steal situation. First of all, it's not stealing. First of all, you're robbing me, cuckucker. That's a good point. That's a good point.

I'll give you that. It's way too much money. You're charging me $3.29 for a package of search. So guess what I'm going to do? Yeah. I'm going to pay for $3.29, but I'm going to take one on the house. Yeah. And I don't even know if they come.

Absolutely. But I'll pay you $3.29 for one. Okay, you'll get me for the water. But you have to admit, while you're not looking at my pocket, the water is $3.29. That's right. That's one dollar in the subway. That's right.

It's fucking crazy. Don't even worry about the pocket. That's not a muffin. And they made it illegal for you to bring that water from the subway. Let me tell you something. Or you put the water in the pocket. So can you go on to the first place? Can you go on the plane with a sandwich you didn't buy at the airport?

Yeah. You can. You can. You can. So you can bring, you can buy something. You can buy a fucking bologna salami. Okay. You can make something with the sandwich.

Yeah. You can make something. Yeah. Southwest always did that. Yeah. Southwest don't feed you, so that's how long. Southwest does not feed you. Yeah.

You got to bring that. That's impressive. So what? Bringing a fucking sandwich like in the old days. Make a salami sandwich on bagel. A little bit of hot sauce. Ketchup. I'm going to bring a sandwich.

I'm going to stink up that whole sandwich. Bagel. Yeah. You're going to fart it up anyway. Let them get a taste of what's coming. Fuck Jack. Wait till they get a load of Uncle Joey. Mother fuckers.

What's up, Lisa? Yeah. You're looking all dapper tonight with your little head through the room. You haven't seen Mama. She left you this weekend. I went to the beach. Yeah. I went to the beach and I just hung out and saw her.

You're missing this weekend? Yeah. You're a good man. You know what I mean? You love it. Yeah, I do. You're talking about moving in with them. Burbank.

Living close to. Really? Close to the place. No. I live in Valley Village, so. So her place? No. New place?

Yeah, new place. New place. No for a while. But yeah, I love this kind of bell thing, man. And she got to move the mother in with you guys over there to the world. No. Don't be bullshitting me. It's alright.

It'd be cool to have her close for the food, but Van Nuys is cool enough. You don't want to move over to Burbank with you? No. Kind of a little bedroom. She likes what she is. Yeah, I'll show it to you guys. No. You're enjoying this kind of bell class?

Oh, fuck yeah. Are you losing weight? Are you going to lose weight? No, well, I have to fix my diet now, because I got hungry as shit. Because I did it four times last week. So I got real hungry. Oh, at night, after 11 o'clock, you got to take sleeping pills. Oh, so.

After 10 to 30, the hunger is fucking damaging. Plus I did addables, so it didn't help it. Yeah, that don't help it. So I'm going to try this new thing you're talking about. The 100, whatever, 100 carbs, 150 protein. Grams of protein. What? 70 grams of fat.

A diet. Damn. That's so exact. You're so lucky that you're skinny. I sure am. I sure am. My metabolism is way better than both of yours. Maybe combined.

Why don't you guys have candy here? Because we'll eat all of it, like, at all times. We need fucking candy. Yeah, cucksuck. Some guy came to the show this... The Flapper, The Flapper. What? Robert Cologne.

And he gave us albums, which I left at the house. But in each bag, and he gave us loose Reese's Pieces. The little, tiny one. Let me explain some to you. I went back. Oh, Reese's Pieces. And I devoured the whole box on my bed, like a fucking animal. So peanut buttery.

Oh, my God. They were delicious. Doesn't mean first love. That's why I never do that shit. I never bring food like that up to the room. I may bring, like, nothing. I hate food in my fucking room. Oh, really?

I do it all the time. I dump it everywhere. You have to evade. Eat the boxes. No. All sorts of stuff. Listen. Wings have eaten.

When that fucking rat ate through my pot cookie in San Diego. What? What? Yeah, that time. At the Andas? Huh? At the Andas? No, no.

This was the Hilton. Right there. Yeah, yeah. And next to the American Comedy Club, there's a Hilton up the block. Not even. Well, years ago, I'm talking eight years ago, Frank Kelly booked the John Lovitts Comedy Club in San Diego. John Lovitts used to have a comedy club in San Diego.

That was horrifically bad. Horrifically bad. It was like a nightclub that they turned Ralphie quit, Rogan quit. A bunch of people were like, fuck you. That's a dance club, you know? So, what were we talking about? Oh, Frank Kelly booked me for a weekend there, which I ate 10,000 dicks, but the whole town he put me at was that Hilton.

Yeah. And I left the cookie in the cabinet, and the next morning I was leaving. I went to get the cookie, and he ate right through the baggie, and ate like the bottom of the fucking cookie. There's a rat. A rat. I didn't hear him in the room. Nothing.

After that, I was like, fuck you, because I saw the rats in the condo in La Jolla. Oh, no way. With my own eyes, I saw it. Oh, I never saw one. I saw two rats in the condo in La Jolla. Oh, I was just there. That would scare this shit. Rat?

Oh, I would not want to stay there. I'm not talking about my way. The guy never stayed there. You think I want to fucking sell up? You think I don't want to save $20 fucking dollars? Fuck. My God. I went to the condo in La Jolla one time.

I'm probably there now. I'm probably there now. I forget who the feature act was, but he came back and he goes, hey, I stopped at the condo. I stopped at the store for the keys, and they set traps here, because suppose they have rats and mice, he goes, the guy's going to come over in 20 minutes. Do you mind? I go, no, no, no. Fuck whatever he wants to do.

I didn't know what to expect. You should have seen the size of these motherfuckers. And that night at about four, I went to the bathroom, and I was in the headliner room, and just out of curiosity, I went into the kitchen, and there was a fucking rat on the counter, and there was a little bit of light coming in, and that rat, the light caught that rat's eyes. Dog, I went back inside, I jumped on that bed. I waited for that sunlight to come on.

I packed my shit. The condo? The condo. I took that car. I had what? Tabby wire me emergency funds to the Western fucking Union. I made a look up a hotel online, and I went there and stayed, and I never stayed at the condo again.

So here we go. Here we go. No worries. I'm not at the condo for about two years. One night, I'm working at the fucking store. I'm going to drive back on a Friday night. Stephanie Escajeda's featuring, I don't know what I'm saying. There's other people there from the comedy store, and they're all at the fucking condo.

I go back to the fucking condo, because I took a shower, and I left my sleep at the machine. I thought I was going to stay. I don't know. I go back there. They asked me to open up the sliding door. I opened up the sliding door, and on the fucking balcony is a fucking rat, Ari Shafir, that would scare the living shit out of you right on the balcony, right there in the little

walkway, and between the headliner's door and the living room door, they still have that connection, but they redo it. You don't even know what fucking planning you're on right now. I barely do. I barely do. You don't fucking make this happen, fuck. This is the highest you've ever been, Ari. It's that thing.

I haven't taken any edibles in a while. It's four things. It's four times my normal dose, because you guys take 25 times your normal dose. It doesn't lessen that it's way, way past what I would ever take to get super high. I get on a plane, and I want to zonk out 50 milligrams. The girls at the dispensary think I'm weird by so many goddamn edibles. They think you're weird? Well, maybe I'm just paranoid, but I come in and I buy like a pack of 600 like three

times a week. They're like, what do you do with these? Me and the fucking security guard on our first name basis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out to Eddie. What's up, Eddie? He asked me. He asked me.

He goes, Lee hasn't been here for a few days. I said, this guy threw him a sack of fucking stars. He's at home right now. He built this. He's a soldier, this Lee Sinai had done. He ain't got time to fuck around with Uncle Joey. The problem with the red ones, though, is I have to eat five of them to even feel anything. What?

How much are the red ones? 125. You see, five of those. You can feel anything. Well, what a feeling. What am I going to get a little high? No, I know. Yeah, I get the feeling.

I get that. I get that. But at 625 is you're like, well, yeah, I mean, let's do it if we're going to do it. That's what that is. You're pretty much now. After four years of constant mental water training. Lee, it's not like you're filming a documentary either. You're like, I'll keep them around and see what happens.

See, you get to 1,000. I've been to 1,000. Yeah, you've been to 1,000. You've crossed the four digits. Yeah. Damn. Wow. Pretty soon when I eat that whole 5,000 milligram of stars in one show.

Do you ever hear stuff that's not around? No, I like it now. It's fun. I think it'd be great just on a dispensary. Yeah, we should have. The first time you ate it, how many milligrams was it? You told me. I don't know.

You used to change the guy. I had to ask because, you know, I hear all these things and he was like, who knows? They don't know. I don't know. I just eat it. So I don't know. Probably 50. No, no, no.

When we first started, you were doing 50s and 35s. I had your light. Light. I had your 30. That's the biggest thing they make in Colorado. They don't even make them. I think they make them like 10. The first thing I ever gave you was the 35s.

I used to split the 35s in half. Okay. And then I knew that they came in 180. After about a month or five weeks of 35, I said, fuck it. I took it like a weight regimen. For example, if you went to the YMCA tomorrow, today, it's Monday, right? And you start lifting today. Right.

And you do like three weeks of fucking lifting. And after the fourth week on Monday, we start stacking the weights and see where you can lift. And you lift, you know, 300 pounds, you know, whatever. After that, we're going to cater the workout for that too. So when I decided, well, since I was a trainer and as Godfather, was I took the labels off the 180 and I cut them in half and put 35s around them. Sure.

And I jumped them up from 35 milligrams straight up to 90. You understand me? Jesus. I had a man that was giving me those 200 milligram cookies that were definitely 6,000 milligrams. They were definitely. Really? Just dosing? Oh my God.

So you never give anybody the right amount? No, no, no. I didn't know for a fact. Listen, you go to the store and they tell you that these cookies, we used to get there with these circle cookies. Maybe it's because of the frosting. What were they called? Remember, they gave us a box and nice guys in San Diego.

They were like this. They were 200 milligrams. So kind. So kind. They were 200 milligrams. Oh my God. All right. Do you know how many fucking times me and Lee split a soak of kind cookie and Lee couldn't

fucking talk? I couldn't talk. That's a lot more. Just a soak kind cookie? Split it down the middle. Me and them. One. One.

Fucked up. We get fucked up. What about the whole brownie scourge and we went to when you gave the chick the lemon bread? No, the banana bread. No, you gave it a corner or something. The banana bread. It was a banana bread.

It was a banana bread. We've been in training for years. Oh my God. But I gave her so little. I gave her so little. We made an astronomical THC jump because of that. It was a banana bread. That was a plague on the scene.

People were getting a swiff of it and it was just wrecking people. Any amount. It was delicious with the chocolate chips. We took it to Six Flags. We took it to Six Flags. It was delicious with the chocolate chips. That whole trip in New York, we were fucking cutting all slices to do the documentary. How about the ride home, the scary one?

The scariest ride home. It was when you gave it to me in the morning, we were almost missed our flight. Fucking unbelievable. At least doing 800 milligrams of THC off the bat, talking to motherfuckers. Yeah. I honestly think that at a certain point, the body's like, hey, you've had way too much. So we're just going to turn that off right now. So I think I'm pretty much over that threshold.

I think so. No, this is what you do. Yeah. A couple weeks before you take it back into training. Yeah. We go back to 125s. Oh, wait, what? Just to one star for one time.

That's not going to do shit for a while. Listen to me. The body adapts. It'll take about three times. By the fourth time, you'll be fucked up at 120. That is a good thing about weed. If you're taller, it goes right back down. Right back down.

I love coming back to LA. Whatever I do, it's like, oh, it's great for the first week or two. I got you in training, at least I am. I got you in training. But we never take breaks. Well, who takes a break? People don't take breaks. Do you think Nate Diaz takes a break?

Come on, man. He's always boxing, shadow boxing, doing jumping jacks. Jounging the future? Yeah. Doing push-ups. That's what he said, but he was doing something. He was running. I believe, Mike, believe.

He's trying. He's out there trying every day. He was getting his dick sucked and smoking weed and jumping up and down. But I guarantee that motherfucker was running 10 miles four times a week, three times a week. Around 209 miles a week. That's how good he is. I would do anything else.

He's got built-in cardio. He didn't go in there and look that smooth in the second round, throwing all those punches. He did, though. Because he wasn't in shape. He was in shape, though. What do you think about McGregor refusing a fight with him again? I don't know. That's true.

No, thanks. I'd say that's smart. If he did, he's like, well, he shouldn't do it again. You lost. It wasn't that close. He could try to hide his jiu-jitsu brain. You could go back to your division. Clearly.

You haven't even defended your own title once, so if I can go back two divisions back and if I can clean up that a little bit, then move to 155 if you want. All right. I'm 70. I don't know where. You're a known anti-women's MMA for now. Conor McGregor is not women's MMA. I know.

I'm switching to... You're switching to... 90% sure. What do you think of women's MMA now? Like, I haven't done an update. I'd say a little more interesting. It's a little more interesting. But like...

This is good. I like her. Yeah. Maybe. Because now what happens if like... So Rhonda... That was some parody at least. Rhonda beats Misha again.

Maybe if she trains. And then Holly Holm goes and beats Rhonda again. And then Misha comes and beats Holly. Like, it's been good. You could do that. And then Mootslini makes a comeback and gives Hitler a shot of life. And Hitler makes a comeback and takes down Obama. What the fuck are you talking about?

I think... That sounds kind of cool. I think Rhonda Rousey should have to face Holly Holm now. Misha. She hasn't done enough. Six times she fought. Six and no. And then six and one.

That's good. That's not amazing. You don't deserve an immediate rematch for that. No. Listen. I deny it. Who gives a fuck about anything? I say no.

In nonsense. You should have to fight once first. What we're talking about is Lee and Edibles and what he's done. This night I'm even around and Lee is in training blasting Edibles. Well, it's fun. That's the thing. Lee, why? Are you staying in shape?

Are you training? All the time? Well, here's the thing. I'm basically working out right now. But I'm still eating kind of bad. So I'm kind of staying the same. So that's why I'm trying to get mine. But whatever.

But I still do Edibles because it's fun. How early in the day do you do your first one? Oh, no. I don't like it early in the day. Because then... How early did you do your first one? What's that? How early in the day do you take your first Edible?

I could do it at 8 in the morning. No, but then you have to do it so much. That's why you have to take 800. Because if you do it at early, it takes a lot more later at night. But I don't take them at early no more. Oh, what do you say? Unless I got something. No, I have shit to do today.

I'm going to take them and eat them in the fucking morning. Unless I'm a savage somewhere and I got nothing to do. And I'm going to take a nap in the afternoon. Fuck yeah. I'll take three of those 200 in the morning after breakfast in the hotel room. And finally I could sleep from 11 to maybe 4.30 or something like that. Look at the shape. I already should feed it.

I smoke weed every day, not smoke weed all day. Well, whatever the fuck it is. Now, let me ask you this. When are we going to shoot the new season of these fucking things? May. May. That quick. You ready?

Yeah. A couple of stories. These stories they want you to have. To have what I can get. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe you'll say long stories. Don't make them part one and two.

Yeah. Like Pink Floyd. Yeah. Maybe I'll do that. You might do that. That's not a bad idea. See, I'm always thinking I'm an idea guy. Yeah.

Part one, part two. There are two people on set of three. I haven't even thought about when I was really banging my head the last two days. Really? Yeah. You got to think. I really don't know. Yeah.

Let's think about New York stories. Comedy story stories. Obviously drugs will be in there somewhere. I don't want to talk about the comedy store. Not like that. Everybody's heard that. We talk about the comedy store three times a fucking week every podcast. So forget that fucking topic.

I love the comedy store. I just always talk about it. What is it? Drugs. Yeah. I'm a master of drugs, but it's too easy. Yeah. Like it's easy.

Dude, it's how big you least want to do. Probably family again. Maybe jobs. Might do jobs. Strangers. What kind of strangers? Maybe somebody you met right then. Some shit happened with them.

A guy you'd never met before. And you had a thing with them. One day. Ten days. But meeting some stranger. Maybe that. Near-death experiences. Maybe Vegas stories.

I don't know. Open anything. Open anything. Right now. You got to think deep. May. What are we at now? March.

April. Two months. Two months and ten days. That's not a lot of time. No. We got to think about fucking something. What's your process for thinking? Because it's weird to think about a story.

How do you guys go about trying to think about what you want to tell? I just go to like... Martin the Fang was one of the most painful stories I ever had to tell. Why? Because it was fucking embarrassing. What I did. It was so fucking embarrassing. Because at the end of the week, what do I really get them for?

Three, four, five thousand dollars. He would have gave me that if I would have asked him. I went to him and said, listen, man. I just want to snort coke for three fucking days with my buddy. He would have probably gave me a quarter round. He was that tight with my mom and shit, you know, for me to rob him like that. I really liked him. You do have another song with another man.

Really? All those years? Yeah, he kept it really private. My mom never saw him with another man. You know, so it was that type of relationship. He had a weird respect for me, man. So for me to pull that stuff, it was fucking embarrassing. Bullshit move.

Bullshit move. Tremendously bullshit move. I feel horrible now. Like I said, in 91, that was my... I got a rental car and I shot down to my mother's cemetery. And from there, I got the car and I went right to Martin's house. I knocked on the door and I could see that it was a woman's house now. It was woman's hats and the whole thing.

And she answered very nicely and I asked how long she lived there. She said about five years. I asked her where the tenant went. She said she didn't even know the tenant. That when she looked at the apartment, it was empty. And I didn't know where to ask. And from what I heard, the brother used to have the store in the neighborhood. He smacked the wife, got arrested for assault,

and supposedly hung himself in jail. And that's when they all left. So it was a horrible fucking ending for everybody, I guess. Do you guys ever worry about getting arrested when you bring, or allegedly may have something with you when you travel? Nah. At this point, I'm like, whatever, you know, okay, sir, sir, we may allegedly have something.

I don't want to say anything. You can say if you want to. I don't want to. I don't travel with weed. Okay. I might travel with a vape and pen or something. I don't ever travel with weed. There's weed waiting for me when I get there.

This starts a death that miraculously. Get there. How do they get there? I don't know. I don't ask questions. As long as they're there, that's all I care. You follow me? Well, sure, I agree with you.

Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Tsunamis? I don't. I'm not in the business to get arrested, and I don't want to. I'll take a little bit before I get on the plane. I got fucked up before I got on the plane out. I even carried on the plane.

I'm in California. I'm in California. I tell them to eat it halfway for anxiety. The plane to China or Australia is great. You keep going back to it. One of those was going with your monos. Even a regular stoner, Jesus, would last you the whole way up there.

It would not last you guys. It would not be enough for one dose for you guys. Jesus fucking Christ. You would need two of those things. You okay? Yeah. How long is the flight? 13 hours.

No, no, no, no. We would need like, oh, that's long. First off, I would never sign up for that program. Because I would freak out. I would emotionally freak out, I think. I'd have to sleep seven of those 13 hours for me to fucking make it. What are those?

200 or 250? What? The stars? No, the Joker guy. I ate one of those the other night, and two or three of these stars are dead. That was on my way. Yeah.

I left the fucking chocolate in the hotel. The candy bars they gave me. Those are great. You can tell people one arm. You can tell them people one leg. You can say, take the whole head. You can really help people on that one. That's a good one.

I like that one. Yeah. If I got on the plane for 13 hours, it would be my plan. My plan would be to, number one, to stay up for like two or three hours. That's the plan right there. And about the three hour mark,

I drop fucking two bazooka sleeping pills. Now, are you high when you got to the plane? Like, do you take an edible before you leave to get to the plane? Do I take an edible? Yeah. Why not? When I would drive to LAX, I would be smoking in the car.

I would sit there, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke. Get out of my car, smoke, smoke, smoke, finish, and then take the shuttle right into the airport as I'm chewing on an edible for 45 minutes from now. You never worry if you're going to have to make, have a normal conversation? No, that's the adventure. You make it more interesting this way.

Okay. It's a mundane otherwise. How, how do you normally get, like this is not as high as you get, because all, the only high I know, essentially is the highest. There's never like a mild day. Oh, really?

So do you get like a high just like, This is as high as I would ever get. If I took this much on a, on a plane, I'm like, oh, I took too much. This is going to get weird. And I would have the sweats. I would get worried about something. I would spin out.

I'd have to sit on the floor, sweating through my shirt. Like right now I'm chill. Right now. Yeah. Now I'm okay. If I get this high, I'm like, oh, if I get a window seat daytime,

I'll take this level of high, right now this level of high, window seat daytime, I'll take it all day. All day. And you'll fall right to sleep. No, just watch the, out the window.

Fucking 13 hours. That was the best part about the beach. Oh, somebody told me that I was going 19 hours and I was never drunk. Joey, Joey got on my plane. I got on my plane for 19 hours. She's a fucking drunk. I guarantee they turned that truck playing around

and dropped her off on fucking Bulgaria or something. Let me give some shout outs out of here real quick. I didn't know I was fucking, look at this moving along. Yeah, tonight we're fucking nice. Everybody watch my show Tuesday nights. Where you going? Oh, I don't know.

I don't get professional. Oh, okay. Robert Colon, I love you. Thank you for the fucking albums. I didn't bring them tonight. I'll bring them tomorrow night. The Ortega family, Sergio, Lori, Noah, Josh. Well, I love you guys.

Thank you for the beautiful meet the Beatles. Bob LaLingis, Mr. L. You're a savage. JT as usual. Shane, McBernet, Bricks and Bullets, Mattel, Oliveras, John Jarman and Stephen Richard. Your bad mother fucker. As usual, the reason why my main man is here tonight

is to promote a rags to riches story. Basically, it started in a fucking room with no alcohol. I ended up with a fucking cheetah. Ended up on Comedy Central 11 o'clock at night. What the fuck have you done lately? You know what I'm saying? You gotta really talk to people. What the fuck have you done?

There was no alcohol back there. No, you're right. They weren't allowed in. Me, Mark Maron, Steve Agee, you know, there was no fucking alcohol on that night. That motherfucker was people high on battery acid. Yeah. Or they weren't even allowed in from the other room.

No, it was crazy. That was a pretty fun night. I don't know if I've told you the story before, but I didn't know I had the first show I went to in L.A. You went to that show? The one at the improv. It was Work Stories. Work Stories.

Okay. That was the first show you went to in L.A.? It's a fun show, right? It's a fun show. Well, it's two angle stories. Yeah. What are the two angles? There's two angles to this.

There's two ways I'd like to see this done. I'd like to see this done where you give me six weeks. Yeah. And I'd like to see this done where you give me ten fucking minutes and shut my lights out. Oh, what? What do you mean? That would be fucking amazing.

So you go up and tell a story about a road trip? Yeah. In ten minutes. You get down there on a Tuesday night and you go, good evening, this is not happening live. This is where we tell the contestants tonight what we're going to talk about right now as we speak. So get ready.

I'm about to do my story and let them get that story. Tonight's story is about vomiting. Boom. Or whatever the fuck you want to talk about. Childhood. Childhood sports. Childhood deceit. Childhood, what did you do that you didn't like about your childhood?

Yeah. Just something. Just put people in the spot. And that's when they're real. That's when they even, you know, you really don't have time to think, but the emotion comes through because you're taking it there. You know, you really never, those storytelling shows could be easy or they could be hard. Sometimes they're hard ones.

They're hard. They're hard. Yeah. They're hard. It was tough for me to tell that story. I know there's been stories for you that you have to, they're so dark, what you're doing is adding color to it. Yeah.

They're such a dark story. And basically we're adding color to this dark story. So you don't think we're completely fucking nuts. And you don't think you're nuts for sitting there listening to this shit. That's the brilliance of storytelling like that. Like I always tell people, everybody tuned in on Sunday night to see Tony Soprano cheat on his wife. You know, nobody wants people cheating on their wife,

but Tony Soprano, we don't give a fuck. You know, it's amazing what you could, there's a friend of mine who's got a nice something about how you get to see or whatever. It's true. There's people that accept different things from different people, but that's all the side. Storytelling is something that I think this is, there's some club that's doing it. What do you mean?

I just went and they talked about one night a week. They do storytelling. Yeah. That's great. Where was I? Yeah. I saw it a few years ago at like a festival. Like, oh, it's turning this way.

Yeah. No. We're doing stories now. It's gotta be an aspect. It's gotta be an aspect of comedy. Yeah. It's gotta be an aspect of comedy. I got bored with storytelling.

Yeah. Because my storytelling is about nothing constructed. All right. It's about robbing people or scamming a Christmas tree out of a yard or smacking somebody or getting beat up by my ex-wife's husband. You know, it's always, it's nothing pleasant, you know, but that's the other hand of it. That's what makes a story more enjoyable. You turning it pleasant in my eyes.

Yeah. You know. What do you think, Lisa? You sitting out here? Yeah. Making it interesting. Making it interesting to watch it. Well, you've been to all the storytellers' tapings.

Yeah. You had a good time there, right? Yeah. I like the tapings. I think it's just really cool. I watched Henry Rollins' one. Henry Rollins, yeah. Hayes and Jim Brewer's.

I watched those two online. Yeah. And they were people who I had never heard of before. Oh, really? Because I find that I kind of get into, like, not a rut, but if I like two or three people, that's all I listen to. Yeah. So I'm not open to more people.

So when it's online or something, you can see it. So I think that's how I find all you guys. Oh, really? Yeah. Absolutely. That's how everyone found you. Yeah. I think it's really cool.

I think it's smart that you guys are doing it online. Yeah. I think eventually you wouldn't even need to be on the cable network if you didn't want to be. It depends how many people watch it. They're all on YouTube right now, so far. Most of them. Not all the ones on TV yet.

So what do you, how do you feel as like... There's 70 of them. There's 70 stories on YouTube. Now you're an executive producer and, like, you need the show... That's right, bro. Together with you. I'm an executive producer, bro. They call it X-Pro.

EP. I'm an EP. That's what I call it. I'm an EP, bro. So, like, you need the... I got a button-down shirt. You guys, I'm an EP. I can't act like that anymore.

I'm an EP. You need the show to get views, but you also, like, stealing stuff off the internet. Yeah. So how do you feel about stuff getting stolen? Does a view still happen that way? But it doesn't count for your show getting picked up. What does that mean? It doesn't count.

It doesn't count. Oh, no. I just want views. Just people watch it. You know, people watch whatever they watch, whatever they watch it. Because you could also, like, let's say... That's the way you get stuff. So some people watch on TV, and some people watch on YouTube, and some people steal it.

That's just the way of the world. You just don't care about it. Aw, man. How do you get stuff? Just go get it. Just go get it. It's hard, because I do it sometimes, but then it bums me out when it happens to the stuff that I'm involved with.

And then there's an app called BetterNet. It's in Canada, Australia. It let's you go around these crazy firewalls. It's free. BetterNet. Spread the word. Yeah, but they're on YouTube right now. They have long versions of it.

Joey Diaz's the story. What's Zee? Is Zoretta? Is up there? Like, five ago? Anyway. What do you think, Lisa? Are you ready to go home?

How are you feeling? I'm good. I'm fine. Tell me the truth, you know. You don't have to. We did ask that time. We watched cartoons for like two hours. When was this?

We watched Adventure Time. Yeah, I got way too fucked up and he was nice. He stayed with me. We watched Adventure Time. Oh, yeah. I wasn't that great either. I was way, yeah. Yeah.

We did the acid. Yeah. And Adventure Time was so good after I left that night. Yeah. You guys stayed until the time. Oh, I put it on the podcast. I was like two or three, I think. Oh, I left it, too.

You must have the three or four. Yeah, something like that. Yeah. He looks like 10. No, 12. Acid's a weird one. The only one I haven't really done is the mushrooms. What?

I've done like small doses, but I haven't done like the crazy like sea stuff. Why? How can you justify that? How can you justify what you just said? How can you justify still having that? Once you say, heard yourself say it out loud. I have no idea. You heard how ridiculous it is, right?

Yeah. When you said it out loud. Well, here's the thing. Say, how do you deal with this? I'm getting up a lot. You're getting what? For like people, hey, send me stuff. What do you mean?

What do they send? That's it? On Twitter. No, they're asking for like whatever. No, they don't send them stuff. Obviously. That's strange. That's not how you deal with it.

Obviously. But I think they're cops trying to get me to say something. So I just never, I almost block them. Oh, yeah. Well, whatever. Do whatever you want. That's weird. But don't send them stuff.

But that's why I don't know how I would ever get it. I don't know how to trust somebody. What are you talking about? Lee, if your mother had to die, if you couldn't find mushrooms, you would say, I don't know how to do that. Well, yeah. Okay. I don't want to bother you.

Like the person I would ask, he's like, you or maybe, like, maybe Joe. Just ask. And then what's the worst case scenario you're asking me? No, but I don't want to bother you. What's the worst case? I know. But I'd be like, hey, Lee, I can't really handle it right now. Sorry.

I can't deal with it. It was rude. Lee, I can't deal with this right now. This is what he bothers me. What if you got that? What if you got that? Lee, I can't right now, Lee. It'd be fine.

He's doing that last week and he said something about it. What the fuck, Lee? It's four days ago. I don't even know. I said 20 minutes ago. Yeah. That's the worst case scenario. And then you're going to ask the next fucking degenerate, you know, or I would say, yeah,

hold on. Let me give you a fucking phone call. I guess I could. I never even thought about it. Ask a friend who knows that shit. Everyone has a friend. That's the only one. That's everywhere.

I don't really want to do like heroin or anything. LA is swimming in mushrooms right now. I'll be honest with you guys. It is ripe in this place. They're everywhere. Oh, okay. Put the word out. They're everywhere right now.

So everybody get your mushrooms. I'm going to get some mushrooms, Lee. Fuck yeah. Yeah, everybody. Put your feelings out right now because they're swimming in it. Drug dealers. Keep the supply coming. Fuck.

You need a good gram of mushrooms. The warm season's coming. People want to get a jump on it. We'll go to a Dodger game. Oh, great idea. We'll get some fucking... Great idea. Can we walk?

You can walk whatever you want to walk. Okay. What do you mean? Keep climbing fucking boulders and Joshua trees. Sometimes with Lee, I get scared. No. You'll be fine, Lee. Absolutely.

If you can't walk... That's a good one. Fucking... Yeah. If you can't walk, that's good because they got those little stilts to put you up. The mushrooms will carry you through your fucking car. Nobody will put you on the TV. What I really want to do is take like four stars instead of all you can eat in section.

Oh, what? The bleachers. Oh, just go nuts. Fuck you. Weekday day game. Weekday day game. Hot dogs, nachos. Yeah.

Weekday day game. You can bleach your seats for like five, seven dollars, something like that, and all you can eat and half price drinks. And you just go nuts. That'd be awesome. Yeah. On one of those. It's disgusting that hot dogs are fucking disgusting.

Hot dogs are disgusting... The hot dogs do suck. The hot dogs do suck. The hot dogs do suck. The hot dogs do suck. The hot dogs do suck. The hot dogs do suck. The hot dogs do suck.

Yeah. Yeah. But the nachos will be good. The nachos... I like nachos. I like nasty nachos. Yeah. Really?

Yeah, like movie. I've been crying. With that meat stuff, with meat stuff. No, just the cheese. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty good at the movie theaters. I go with big J. He does all that shit.

Joey, have you heard of kumi-fries? No. Oh, no. Yeah, man. I discovered them. No, I know you did. You're a nasty motherfucker. Yeah. No, no fries. No, they're so good. They melt. You got to wait for them to melt a little bit, melt a little bit. And then fucking salty sweet together. I'm my fry. Salty sweet. It works. I'm telling you, it works with it without ketchup, with it without ketchup.

I'll take you to the spot right now. You got to wait, you got to wait seven, eight minutes. Fucking French fries with mozzarella cheese and some motherfucking onion rings. Right now, I mean, obviously, Poutine is an interesting choice. It's more hearty, more savory choice. French fries with chili on top. Sort of chili fries. Here's my question. No, what kind of gravy and cheese curds?

Yeah. Great. Cheese curds. Boom, boom, boom, balls of cheese curds. Hot, hot gravy or peppercorn sauce. Cheese curds are those balls of white, like pure white, like cheese curd. It's like cheese loaf. But in the white, yeah, sure. The melted gravy goes over it, melts the cheese curds. They come up with the French fries.

Do you try any of the other kinds? Add toppings to that, as you will. Go from there, peppercorn sauce. You eat cheese curds? Maytals are all optional. You can, you can, you can get on the side. Hey, can you upgrade the fries to Poutine, please? That's actually 250.

I didn't ask you how much it was. I said, can you do it? So you tell me you can do it? Yeah, go ahead and do that. Go ahead and do that, because I'm going to want that Poutine style. But it's so heavy. I'd rather eat less of them. I'd rather eat less Poutine than all fries.

See, we ain't fucking around, all right? But I'm not going to eat less. I'm going to eat all that Poutine. I'm going to eat less burger. I'm going to eat less burger to make up. I will eat less burger. You eat less burger with Poutine? Uh-huh.

It's, see, that's... Half a burger's plenty of protein. It was too heavy for me. Next time I go, I want to try a different kind. Where's the style burger? You know, Poutine. Where'd you go? In Toronto.

There's one place that's, what, Pazaquenga? Smokes, it's a smoke. It's a legit chain. It's right next to... It's a legit chain. It's right next to style burger. Yeah, they have decent ones. They have totally decent ones.

It's a legit chain. You're fine with that. The gravy one was too heavy. So then get a different one. Which one's good? Peppercorn sauce. Sometimes they have meat sauce. Okay, I'll try it.

But the gravy was too heavy? It was a lot. What'd you get? What'd you get? Just regular. The gravy's pretty thin. The gravy's pretty thin. You got the original.

Yeah. Just the original. That was too heavy. The thick fries, huge curds, a lot of gravy. Oh, then you got to cover it up with less curds. Curds are pretty big sometimes. Yeah. So you go with another style.

Okay. You got to go with like, cut up with like hot dog slices or brisket or... Have you tried the like, the steak and cheese one? Yeah, go for that, man. Here's the deal. It's a new era. You can do whatever you want in poutine. It's a wide-open world.

I don't know about poutine. I'm fucked up, Jack. Oh, so you get some poutine right now? I ain't eating none. I got Agilore ready. I'm fucked up. I haven't fallen asleep over yet. I'm not, I love it.

I'm eating sardines and beef jerky for dinner. Why? And relish. Why? Because tomorrow I'm paying off a bet with Sam Shipley. Oh, no. What's the bet? Yeah, the bet was he bet that Kentucky would win the national championship and I bet they wouldn't.

I bet the field. All right. So I take a funnel, a fucking car oil funnel. I put it to my butt and I just, I farted into it and he has to suck it out. He has to take a solid suck off it. What is this, tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow. No Brussels sprouts and go one salad, hard boiled egg tonight with beef jerky, pork jerky and sauerkraut.

And then tomorrow, brussel sprouts, sardines. How are you going to make sure you're going to fart? That's how. All those things I just said. Yeah, but how are you going to be ready at that moment? That's a... There'll be a lot of those moments. I'll be like, here it comes.

Here it comes. Let's go. Let's do it. How many times do you get to do it? Just take one solid whiff off it. They can't pull off. That's disgusting. It sure is.

It sure is. I wouldn't want to have to do it. That's why I bet on the field to not Kentucky. Because I'm smarter than him. I'm smarter than him. You really are. Yeah, I really, thank you. Thank you for realizing that.

You're really fucking right. Thank you. You end up smelling the fart out of somebody's ass. Yeah, not by being smarter, you know. Thank you, by the way. Tomorrow, I'll punch drunk sports. I'm talking about a man's ass. No, thank you.

I'm gonna suck a fart out of Lee's asshole. That's one thing, but a hot black chick. Right now, today, would you suck a fart out of a hot black chick, say? For sure. Then what the fuck? You would not already. I wouldn't suck.

I would suck it out. I would definitely sniff it out. See? While she's farting. Yeah. Your nose would be after. Well, an after. Well, an after.

Not before. I wouldn't already be like an interpreter in like a expectancy of it. You're sensitive. Yeah. You gotta take the fart to the nose like a soldier. You know what I'm saying? And then the second one in the mouth.

We'll make a lot of money, Lee. Don't you want to make money? Don't you? Don't you? Ten points. You don't want ten points. A million hits on YouTube. How many hits you could have on YouTube in a fucking day?

And the next one to make a pay-per-view or get event. Bigger than fucking life. Storytellers. And at the end of the closes hour, you are in your hands and these hot black chick. You know, the whole thing with the eye patch and you get some fucking. Who has the eye patch?

Me and her. You do. Oh, okay. Yeah. What are you taking around? Who takes care of you like Uncle Joey? I thought you had two eye patches? Yeah.

Two eye patches? Well, now you're living life. Then we'll put Van Gogh away. That's just a blind max. Yeah. See, that's the whole thing. I want to get a sick. I want to give him like a white castle burger so his leakage

to check that fight for his face. Come on. I want to see a strip. Come on over ass. Like a little song. Oh, like she left behind something. There's got to be something. There's like a Tuesday toilet paper to wave in the wind.

We're going to open up a cheese like a surrender flag. I've never seen like when a fly lands and they stop it. That's what we're going to do with her ass. We're going to actually show the air blow out and travel a feet travels three feet per second. A fart. You know, just see it just hit Lee's mouth and his head caught back like Kennedy.

Oh, like Kennedy. Yeah. Yeah. His head caught back like Kennedy. You know, come right back into motion. It'll be fine. A little bit of fart to the cheeks. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, just a little bit to the cheek. You're going to sell, you're going to sell more payloads than fucking Ronda Rousey. Holly Holmes. No, I'm not. That's millions of one. How many people want to see Lisa yet? Get the fart in the fucking.

I would love to see that. I would love to see that. I'm talking about one. I'm talking about people paying five bucks. They even 6995. That's for the next special. That's when you go fucking nuts. You don't even know what I have planned.

Oh, I think people like to see you get a fart to the face. You what? People like to see you get a fart to the face. Would you put that up? Would you put that for a bet to get to suck a fart out of someone's or someone's ass? If it was a woman, yes. What about a man?

What about your boy? In a million years. You wouldn't. You wouldn't. I don't play that. Would you even gamble on that? No, not really. Not even close.

You couldn't get me to gamble on it. On some hot black chick farting in my mouth. Yeah, bring it on. Then you could. Then I could. But you didn't put a wager on that. Yeah, we got to find Lee to go up, you know what I'm saying? But Lee loses.

But Lee loses. He gets a chubby little black chick. There's been eating Popeye's chicken for the last two weeks. Sound delicious. That macaroni and cheese with Popeye's chicken. I don't kill a meal. You know what I'm saying? That's a good thing to do.

That'll make a really good thing. Let me read some ads. I'm going to get the fuck out of here. We've been on it for a long time. Those fucking stars at that work. Tuesday nights at 1230 a.m. Wednesday morning. Okay, so it's Wednesday morning.

Wednesday morning. This is not happening. Such a DVRs. Such a DVRs. You don't forget. Everybody's asleep. Such a DVRs. It's a great show.

It's a great production. Thank you. We should feel putting it together. Third season on them. Second season. Fourth overall. Second on TV. Look at you.

Yeah. Cool fucking stories. Yeah. Fucking good ones. Brad Ernst this week. Yeah. Who is it? Brad Ernst.

Brad Ernst, okay. Mocha cashier. Look at you. You got the whole fucking situation. Hannah Friedman. She tells me really good ones. You got three girls. You got three people on the street?

Three people. We have one girl. One girl. I have one too. One Jew. I am really fucked up. I like this. Yeah.

Two Jews. Three with me. Three Jews. Jews dominate this week. Good, good. You happy, cocksucker? Yeah. Happy too.

Fuck Wolfgang. Fuck. Fuck that punk. This bullshit. Two Jews aren't at the same time. The same black place. The same bad time. Anyway, I'm fucked up to the gills.

I'm slurring and shit. Hold on. I gotta get a water here. Cause we just stopped chewing cocksucker. I can use some of these right now. I ain't got time to drive. I should have had a steak here or something. Like a steak sandwich.

I fucked up. If I were to plan the head, I would have had my beautiful people from Blue Apron fucking send something and I would have whipped it up right here. That's what I need to do is get something sent to me from Blue Apron to show you motherfuckers what you're missing and how easy, economical and how great it is to fucking cook your own meals, healthy fucking meals.

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They got Cuban sandwiches with sweet plantain and chicken cacciatore with pasta. All right. That's the single plan. Let me tell you what they got for the family plan. Chicken milanesa, spice pork, baked rigatoni, miso and maple salmon with Odun noodles. What are you nuts or what?

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Check out this week's menu and get your first two meals free. Free for going to blueapon.com slash joey. That's right. My treat, really the first two meals on me when you get a blueapron.com slash joey. All right. Now do me a favor. That's it.

That's it. Maybe they can make it like a warm beer and sardine stew. No, no, no, no. I'll make none of that junk. These are quality meals delivered to your door. You walk in the house, bring them in. You take a shower. You wash your hands.

You go to the kitchen. You open up the box. Out comes all your ingredients. Like beef jerky. No beef jerky. These are high levels. No, nothing like that. They're all friendly.

500 to 700 calories per serving. So do me a favor right now. I'm going to give you two free meals by going to blueapron.com slash joey. All right. My treat seriously go to blueapron.com slash joey. And as usual, the people that run this ship. I love them with all my heart on it.

They keep me help me to keep me alive. Whether it's a shroom tech. They got a thing now that the alpha brain is disposable. You crack it open, put it in water. It comes in different flavors. You know what I'm saying? It's called alpha brain quick or something. I mean, listen to my word for that fucking the energizes.

They call them, but I don't know what happened to the jar. Salami took it. But every time I just ordered more stuff. I ordered just some protein from Dolce banana. There's also some alpha brain. I ordered some shroom tech. I ordered some tea tablets to raise up your testosterone. So you start minkig.

It's nice and Jewish. The shroom tech is great because of the mushrooms. I know the alpha brain is a hundred percent money back guarantee. Listen, what I know about alpha brain is one thing for sure. It works, man. That's dependable. And if you have an active lifestyle, that's shroom tech immune. That's what I take in between flights.

Listen, I get sick like everybody else once, maybe once and a half a year. But that's the immune plus and not smoking a lot of weed with different people and taking care of yourself and drinking water. But that shroom tech helps do me a favor. I can talk to you about this shift for hours. Go to audit.com right now. Look at the great selection they have. I can only help you with supplements.

If there's something you see, put it in a thing and ring it. And what do you get three? First church and you get 10% off. You get 10% off your first order. And again, it gets delivered to your door. If you like what you get. Let's say you get the alpha brain. You don't like it.

You get your money back. You don't have to send back the product. That's how good. That's how much they believe in their fucking product. All right. So go to audit.com right now and press in. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H.

And get your first order get 10% off. And that's it. I want to thank my brother Ari for coming on a Monday night. I'm sorry. We got all fucked up. This is the business we're going to open. Joey and the Jews, marijuana, Emporium. All right.

What are we going to open there? Libreah and third. You got an office. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to go big. We're going to go big. You got a license? No, no, no, no.

No. That I don't need one. We're two out in the open. We'd be the last ones to go without a license. That's what they think. This is why I love you. This is why I'm dealing with people. I want to thank Ari Shafir for coming on tonight.

I'm sorry about getting everybody whacked and the podcast being whacked. But this is what it's all about. Sometimes you got to get whacked and talk shit to make something happen. All right. It's up to you. We'll be back Wednesday night. Cock suckers. Don't forget to listen to the septic tank with my main man.

Ari Shafir, my brother and what's yours? Life in neutral. Life in neutral with Lisa Yat and Johnny motherfucking rock. What else? And I got Irvine and Tempe Arizona coming up and Tempe Arizona coming up. Go to Ari Shafir.com. Is that it? Yep.

Look for comedy dates. I will be in Bakersfield this weekend, but it's sold out. My next available date. Boom. March 31st, April 1st and 2nd, Brea, California. Get your tickets now. Don't come crying at me later, bitches. I love you guys.

Thank you very much. Have a great. We'll be back on Wednesday night. Stay black and get your shit together. Spongebob. Not gonna do good. Thank you for listening to the church of what's happening now and the show is brought to you by Blue Apron.

Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. And our listeners get the first two meals for free. That's right. For free. No money. No need to want. No taking account credit cards all the way.

Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. Blue Apron.com slash Joey. And the show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and check out all of the great supplements like Alphabrain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, and Shroom Tech Sport. And when you're there, use code word church to get 10% off. That's way too loud.

Can you please turn that down? Oh, you have already? Okay, cool. Where you going? Where we waiting for? Babe. Yeah. Night night.

Cock suckers. This is the end. My childhood friend. The end. What's up, Lisa? Yeah. Cock sucker. Look at you getting flashbacks.

DD Mao. You're hungry. What are you going to go home and eat? I'm trying not to eat anything. We'll see. You got to keep it down under the carbs. You're a new fucking man. Tell, tell, tell.

Hurry, Shafi. Don't kettle bells four times a week. You're committed. It's over. You're going to the Jew Hall of Fame over in Israel for the strongest Jew in the world contest. Fuck yeah. Number two, the Max Ketterbells you're doing.

Huh? What are you Ketterbells you're doing? It's a different workout every day. Oh. He's a savage. She really goes down there and bangs it out. Have a good night. Cock suckers.

This is the end. My only friend. The end. Oh, I'm never at last. The end. Of everything that stands. The end. No, say to your surprise.

The end. I'll never look into your eyes again. Can you picture what will be? So endless and free. Just really in need of some stranger's hand. In a desperate land. Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain. And all the children are insane.

Waiting for the Syria. There's danger on the edge of town Right the King's Highland Weird scenes inside the gold mine Right the highway west, baby Right the snake, right the snake To the lake, the ancient lake The snake is long, seven miles

Right the snake, he's old And his skin is cold The west is the best The west is the best Yeah, and we'll do the rest The blue bus is calling us Driver, where you taking on? The killer awoke before dawn

He put his boots on He took a face from the ancient gallery And he walked on down the hall He went into the room where his sister lived And then he paid a visit to his brother And then he walked on down the hall And he came to a door and he looked inside Father, yes son, I want to kill you

Mother, I want to Mother, I want to kill you Come on baby, take a chance with us Come on baby, take a chance with us Come on baby, take a chance with us And meet me at the back of the blue bus Blue bus do not, blue ride on it Blue bus do not, you know

Come on, yeah Come on baby, come on baby Come on baby, come on baby Come on baby, come on baby Come on baby, come on baby Come on baby, come on baby This is the end, beautiful friend This is the end, my only friend

The end, it hurts to set you free But you never follow me The end of laughter and soft lies The end of nights we try to die This is the end