Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #366 - Felicia Michaels

Episode Date: March 29, 2016

Felicia Michaels, Comedian and Host of, "The Milf Code" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. Felicia was previously the co-host, with Joey Diaz, on the "Beauty and Da' Beast" Podcast This podcast is brought to you by:   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order.   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 03/29/2016.


This podcast is brought to you by Helix Sleep. Night after night two people lay in the same bed but when it comes to buying a new mattress only one gets away. That is until now. Introducing Helix Sleep. You buy your mattress online and it's customized for both of you. That's why each side of the bed for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands. And our listeners go to helixsleep.com slash joey that's h-e-l-i-x sleep.com slash joey and you get 50 dollars off of your first order. That's 50 dollars off of your order. helixsleep.com slash joey helixsleep.com slash joey. And the show is brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use Colbert Church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products.

I was lucky enough to get some new of their doce way protein. I'm going to try that out and let you know how it is. It's onit.com Colbert Church. Monday night cocksucker. It is close to midnight in some places. Something evil is fucking lurking. You get an A-ball. You bump into some strange chick with a missing eyeball and an eye patch. After a couple bumps you're like fuck it. You try to scream. But you say fuck it. This chick is terrifying me. Will she suck my dick with the eye patch? Oh shit. Disgusting. Let me tell you something, all right?

Let me tell you how fucking the FBI is as dumb as they come. It took them a month to crack the fucking phone. Meanwhile there's a fucking kid in Jersey who could have cracked that in two fucking days. Well what they were saying was is that like they could have cracked it a while ago but they were trying to get apple and do it. Yeah they're fucking lazy. Like they could have done it in two fucking days. But let me tell you how stupid the FBI is. If I was the FBI right now I would dig up Gravano. I would go visit Gravano in the prison. Mr. Gravano, you probably got what left on your sentence. They're gonna give you parole to this age. How about when you go home? You go home. That's it. The chapter of the government

with Sammy the bull. Gotti's dead. Everybody's dead. We want the whole thing on Trump. Oh shit yeah. We want the deals. We want the payoffs. How they were made. Who collected the money and then you take that to Trump and go listen we ain't gonna tell nobody. We ain't gonna tell nobody. This is between us. We're friends. Right. This secret is between us. Now anytime the FBI asks for something Trump will have to give it to them. You following me? Like they're gonna blackmail him when he's president? It's not blackmail. Blackmail. That's a big fucking word right there. Blackmail is a bad word. It's letting you know that I know. I've always told you that's the biggest thing when you're out

there is letting motherfuckers know. Somebody's at a party and they're talking shit about you. Right. Some people go and attack that dude. You don't say nothing for fucking two years. And one night when it's you and him alone and you dropped on him and you watch him break. And that's what happens because people can't believe they sent you. They came back to haunt them but not right away. But what about the mob itself? Like when the mob be doing the same thing to him if he gets to be president? The mob. The mob that's in now doesn't know. That was 30 fucking years ago. His dealings were between 80 and 85, 86. So that's over now? 88. Yeah. That connection died. Gravano took that with him. Yeah. They own SNA construction and they have different companies

that the mob, the mob has a 2% club. Okay. 2% of the profit goes to the mafia. What they do is they get 16 fucking people, companies, Lee Syac Construction, Joey Diaz Construction, and we go into a club bidding club. So now instead of us bidding for jobs, you just get the job for 2%. So this million, but any job over $2 million. So the concrete, you got to buy from my company. Now let me explain something to you. Concrete, per square foot, in Oklahoma, I'm just making these numbers up. It's $35 a square foot. Again, I'm just making these numbers up. I don't want people on Twitter hitting me, Joey, I live in Oklahoma. You don't know what the fucking talking about.

I'm just making these numbers up. But when you deal with SNA construction, his concrete is 82.50 a square foot. That's the mob squeeze. So they take 2% and then they fuck you. They fuck you on that. And then they control different unions. Let's say they have the laborer's union or the fucking pipe fitter's union. That's how they work. Now for them not to shake you down, you have to pay them back. You have to be in the thing. I know Trump's personality. Trump didn't want to be in the bid club. Trump said, fuck it, I'll make you a partner. Okay. And that's how now the construction was really New York tight between those years when Trump was in and the guy that ran construction. If you want to look this up at home, if you have

the time and you're that much of a fucking stiff, the guy who ran the construction in New York was a guy by the name of Sammy de Bogrevano. He was under boss, but again, being a crime family. He had 18 different companies all related to the construction field. Glass, piping, architecture. Electrical. Electrical. Because if you, so now Lee Syat was only getting one job every three months, but Lee Syat is fighting for his life. He's bidding these fucking oaky dog jobs. One day the mind, the Lee Syat says, wait a second, he gets down, he starts writing notes and he comes up with, even if I give half of my profits at these inflated prices, I make money. So instead of getting two jobs a year, I get six

jobs a year and I split the profits. I'm busy all year. I still make more money than I was ever making before. Let me approach Sammy de Bogre and make him a partner. Now you come to me and go, Sammy, how about I give you 40% of my company, make you a partner, give you a taste, give you a tax return, make you VP of whatever. Give me like a fake fucking job. You following this? Like going Tony had in like the garbage place, right? There you go. So now when, when Sammy, Sammy de Bogre was a genius, because now when he gets, he's got a taste of all those companies. Plus he was getting partners and he was shooting them and then taking the whole company from them. How could he pull that more than once? Like, I feel like after the second time, they'd be like,

maybe we shouldn't be partners started disappearing. All his made DB de Bernardo, the guy in Staten Island or his brother-in-law, he killed his wife's brother, Doug. Why? Because he was causing a lot of fucking problems. But to just keep this on Trump, that's how crazy, like I'm looking at this world news tonight, because Trump's a fucking genius, okay? Trump's got so much money that he's just paying. Listen, you ever see a fucking law and order? Yeah. When I go, Lisa, yeah, was involved in gay porn. That's irrelevant. I object. I'm sustained. That sustained don't mean dick because the jury heard that. Right. Yeah. Okay. So what he's doing is he's blowing up little fires and all these fucking little magazines that every,

that you read while you're online at the supermarket. Those, what do you call those things? You know, time. Well, not time, but like the tabloids. I'm sorry. I don't know. I forget words. Sometimes I smoke dope. So he lights fires. I come to you and say, listen, what if I gave you? What if, what if I gave you a picture that Ted Cruz with a blunt and $200,000? What if I could fucking photoshop that? I can may make that. Don't they take pictures? Yeah. They could do anything. Put somebody else's head in these college kids. Or even if he just put it out there on like Fox news or any, any TV thing. If he just said, well, you know, I heard Ted Cruz likes to play with monkeys. I don't know what anything, just the fact that he said it. That's it. It's out there.

Now you're waiting for your groceries and you look up and boom, Ted Cruz involved in sex scandal. No, what happens? Cause he has casinos in Vegas and Atlantic city. The mom has to be involved in casinos, right? Well, he made him corporate. Okay. See, once the corporations took over the casinos, that made it a little tougher for that skin and they know it, but they get taken care of in other ways, which I don't really know. I really don't know. You know, you hear all these rumors, the mob is gone from Vegas. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know none of that shit. I don't know who's exist anymore. I don't know what the fuck goes on. But I do know that I was watching that tonight. And I'm like, Trump is such a swindler that some he's going to win, but somebody should swindle him.

And you know who could swindle him? The FBI. The FBI could swindle him and have their fucking way with them. The president is a vice president. Whoever runs the FBI can get whatever he wants and fucking support the next four or five and six, eight years. Oh my God. Yeah. If he does that to him, which is crazy to think about strong arming the president, whatever, whatever you want to call it. That's it. Hey, listen, they couldn't strong on a candidate shot him in the fucking head. They blew his fucking brain out. Who the fuck did that? Who the fuck did that? Okay. It gets scarier and scarier. Like the more I see, like I'm sure this has been going on forever, but I was just too young and naive to see it. But like the more and more you see

was like the political system and the way it works. People don't pay attention to the political system. They think because they watch CNN politics, they know what politics really are and they don't. They don't. They don't. Why do I give? Why do I give Jed Bush $200,000, my earned money? Because I have something I want to do. There's something I want to do. I want to zone that neighborhood. I want to do something. So it's a dirty fucking business right there. Do you think that's a job? Like they go through the donor list at a certain point after they get elected and like, okay, well, we have to pay off these amount at over $100,000. They have to pay off favors. If I come to you in this business, in this fucking presidential debate,

all this, whatever it's called, and I come to a presidential guy, a candidate, let's call him. And I say to him, listen, over the years, I've been accused of doing a lot of things, but I'm really a hot dog sale. I have 35 hot dogs, bands all across the country. And I have a name and I make millions of dollars a year selling hot dogs. Yes, Mr. Diaz selling hot dogs. But my real business is drugs. Let's just say, let's say I make $20 million a year, $15 million a year, $3 million cash to me is nothing. I would donate it to a presidential debate, whatever the fuck, a presidential candidate, because I know that in the future, I want to expand my business. I want to expand my business.

I want to go to Mexico. I want to go to Europe. I want to expand my business and double that. If I get caught in the presidential panel, I need something. I would do, you know, that's, you see, these are the things that happen. Soon they're doing it. That money is coming from somewhere. When a medical supply company, not a medical supply company, a pharmaceutical company, a new pill, and they're having a tough time with the FDA. They know Lisa Yat is a senator of fucking Wisconsin. He's tight with the vice president of the FDA. I'll give 500,000 to your donation, a million dollars, because I know you're going to, but there's a, once I go to your fundraiser, that's when I'm gonna whisper in your ear what I need from

you. And then if you say no, you're not going to get that money again, what you need. What you need. Especially that type of, those type of digits. Listen, I went to get a nose spray. There was $80. Oh, yeah, prescription. Yeah, $80. But I went today to get a pill and it was $1.16. So you never fucking know. They get you somewhere or the other. They really do. And now it's getting to the point where like CVS, right? I can't get, like, whenever I get sick here, I go to the clinic because you can't get a doctor's appointment. Well, in like two weeks, I have like pretty decent insurance. So I'm paying CVS to go to the clinic. I'm paying CVS for the pills. And it's so they have all the, they're making all the money. Like,

it's crazy. What were you allowed? Hey, for 35 hours, when I was growing up, a doctor come to the house and give me a shot of penicillin, the prescription. Right. And now I have to wait two weeks, even though I have insurance and they raise my insurance every year. It's fucking crazy. It's just, and that's why I think Bernie Sanders is so popular. I don't really know. Like, I know what he's talking about. I don't know if it's gonna be, because no matter who you talk to, either they hate Trump or they hate Sanders. So you don't know who's, what's real. But I can see that I'm paying 350 right now for insurance that I, I can't really you. Yeah. There's people listen to the podcast. I can't

imagine it. If you don't have insurance today, you're getting fucking right. And it's tough. Either way, you're getting fucked in the ass. But it's, you got to have the insurance. I went for years without insurance. How I don't fucking know. How I do not fucking know. I went to like 35 with no insurance, just living on the edge until I joined SAG. I didn't have insurance. Jesus. So what would you do if you got sick? Three, six, 19, 20 years ago. So I was 33 years old, 34 years old. I got fucking insurance. So what would you do if you got sick? I toughed it out. I went to the pharmacy like everybody else. I inhaled vitamin C. If it was one time, I went to the hospital for my throat. I got a

throat infection in Colorado. That's never come up on my fucking credit report. What the hell happened to it? $200, $300. One time I had an abscess and a tooth. I went to Cedar Memorial, whatever, on Beverly. I never heard of that billy that they probably figured out I had SAG insurance. That's crazy. So this week, I went to Paduca. I went to Paduca with my wife and the baby. They had a great time and I was sitting there for a little while. I was sitting outside looking like the horses and all this. They have horses? Oh. Yeah, my fucking brother-in-law's got three horses right there in the yard. The yard is the size of this fucking neighborhood. I got a three-bedroom house with a barn, a fucking camper, and then three horses,

fenced off. It's got to be a couple of football fields. Gee, that must have been fun for Mercy. Oh, Mercy hasn't fucking stopped running, but I was sitting there and I thought of a friend of mine that I hadn't spoken to in a long fucking time since 1993. I just thought of him. I see his brother on Facebook all the time, and there was rumors growing up later on, but I realized when I was sitting there how much I loved this kid growing up. He was just a dynamite fun kid. His name was Ferney, and Timmy Holloway's probably listening to him right now. Ferney was one of these kids that it was too many. Like his tolerance was through the roof. No way. More tolerance than you?

His tolerance was through the roof with everything, with everything. Whatever he did, he did double, from his gambling to his weightlifting. I mean, he was a kid that had a fucking body like an adonis. His shoulders were huge growing up. We always knew each other since the seventh, eighth grade from playing basketball, but we didn't talk. We just waved at each other and, hey, what's up? Then we became freshmen together, and we talk at parties, and he always showed up with like, you know, if you had a $10 bag, he always had a $20 bag. Was he a rich kid? No, his father had a restaurant in Edgewater, New Jersey that was called HMB Diner, right by the where they shot Copland. It was right over there. It was a tremendous little fucking greasy

spoon, but he made the best pork sandwiches on Italian bread with hot sauce and pickles. Fresh Cuban fucking pork went on Italian bread with Swiss cheese and fucking hot sauce. Pork and Swiss cheese. Good googly moogly. Good googly moogly, and he'd melt the Swiss cheese over the fucking bread. You have no idea, my friend, but Ferney and me became tight. It was me, Ferney Roger, and this kid by the name of Glenn Conte, aka Stinky, and we became a unit in November of 81. We all hung out from time to time, but then we started getting together. Ferney was one of the first guys that really had a car, like that his father just gave him a car and it had a hole in the back seat. He put a piece of metal on there, but when he would drive the car, the metal would

move. Glenn had his mother's car from time to time, and Roger, he had his father's car, he would borrow from time to time, but Ferney was always the ride, and whenever Ferney would drive, he would drive, and he cursed people, and he called people prick. He had a great prick thing, and we hung out tight. He always supported me. He always had my back, you know, no matter what. He was very quiet. I got him beat up one time in a bar in Hoboken called Generos. What do you mean you got him beat up? I grabbed the girl's ass. When I played for St. Michael's, she was a Chilean, a Cuban girl, and she was standing in front of me watching the band, and I was next to Ferney, and I reached over and grabbed her ass. It was one of these reaches, like with my right hand,

so I had to cross three people. So when she turned around, Ferney had a stupid look on his face with glasses. He was just as high as I was, and she turned around and he was drinking an Alabama slammer with a white shirt on, and she turned around and smacked him in the face, and the drink went all over his shirt, and his glasses fell off. Everybody knew he was blind without his glasses, but the funniest was that one of the lens fell out of his glasses. So when he got stepped on, she was kicking him, and he was looking for his glasses. He got beat up by the girl? He beat up by the girl. We're fucking howling as kids. You didn't help him out? No, he got beat up by a girl. What do you want me to do? Joke the fucking girl? I can't joke the fucking girl.

He got taken beating, but he took the beating. He took your beating? Oh my god. He took the beating from me like a fucking soldier. Did he even know why he was getting hit? No, he was half retarded. He just got up, put his glasses back on, and the lens was broken, and he had a big red stain on his fucking white shirt, and that was the end of that tune. Oh my god, that was fucking howling, but I robbed that jewelry store, and while I was in Florida on the hideout, we were, you know, talking on the phone. We were talking on the phone, talking on the phone, talking on the phone, being Ferney. For some reason, I always talk to Ferney. How can you be on the hideout and talking on the phone? Because the cops weren't really tapping phones in those days for some guy

who robbed the jewelry store. Ferney, one thing I want to know about Ferney is that Ferney didn't talk. Ferney didn't talk unless it was us. Like, Ferney never would talk. Like, Ferney in those days came in the room right now. Ferney would actually just talk to me. He wouldn't talk to you. He wouldn't even pay attention. He wouldn't even acknowledge me. He wouldn't even acknowledge you. Not because he was rude, but that was Ferney. Like, he didn't know you, and he didn't want to know you. You know, whatever. He had enough friends. He'd show up, sit down, and whip out a bag of weed that could kill a mule. So I come back from Florida on the hideout, and on the phone call the night before he told me, he goes, Hey, man, I talked to my mother. You could stay here with me.

And at that time, my soul was gone. Like, I was gone. Like, I had no, I didn't claim responsibility for what my actions or what I was. 19. Okay. Just totally out of control. The world owed me a fucking thing. I was angry at the world and I did what the fuck I wanted until I either caught a beating or was going to go to jail or whatever. And this kid opens up his home to me. He's the same, man. Fuck all that shit. We got the basement. We could bring bitches. Nobody will know. I got my weights down there. We got a bathroom. You could shower upstairs. But besides that, everything's downstairs. You could, my mother's never home. So you could shower up there in the daytime if you need to take a shower. But besides that, we got to hold downstairs. They

never come down here. And it was it. That's, that's all we needed. We were smoking dope downstairs. We were doing blow downstairs. We were eating kway lute downstairs. His parents number ones were like, Hey guys, well, one night he ate a fucking kway lute. We got four kway lutes. And I told him just D one, he ate two and he went in the shower. We're downstairs drinking beers, fucking smoking reef and his father came down. He said, Oh, you gotta go upstairs. Freddy's asleep in the shower. We went upstairs. He was in the shower on two ludes, passed out with his socks on. We had to take him out of the shower. They're like, What happened to him? We don't know. He was tired. He was fucked up. His father, that motherfucker came downstairs, did like three lines

and it was like nothing happened. We got in the car. We had to go see Pat Benetton. I'll never forget that. And he kept some guy parked too close to him. Like they gave him an inch in the front and then back. I'll never forget this. And he's putting the car in reverse. Boom. Boom. Boom. At that time, it's me. I'm in the backseat. No, I'm in the side seat and Roger Holloway is in the backseat. I'll never forget this. Like it was yesterday. And he's doing this for two minutes. Boom. Boom. Boom. But he's taught, you know, he's trying to know wheel, but every time he makes a thing, he hits one of the fucking cars. And finally, Roger Benz is, I don't know if he was playing bumper cars. I'll never forget, you know, it was something fucking every night with him.

But he was my brother. He had my, he had my back. He let me, oh, shit. Oh, shit. He had my back, man. This guy let me move into his fucking basement. Felicia Michaels in the house. Come over and sit down, my love. Right over here. So this guy fucking let me live with him. And it was just Felicia been to get ready for this. Yes. Because it was two 19 year old boys. We had no direction. He was working at his father's restaurant in Edgewater. And when as soon as I got back, it took me about a week to get a job. I got a job. Look at you. I got a job at a fucking place that made frames for Entomans cake.

You ever go into a supermarket and see Entomans cake? Yeah. Yeah. And they have the fucking stands that say, you know, Entomans, Entomans, Entomans. That's what I did. I was a union Entomans cake stand builder. That's not a bad job. No, it wasn't a fucking bad job. But I spent my whole salary at that fucking diner because I wouldn't eat lunch at the place. So I would go there and have like a 20 hour one. It's like three pork sandwiches, me instinctive. And then they hooked us up this whole time. I'm living with Ferney give him like $50 a week. And we're driving to his restaurant at five in the morning listening. I'll never forget that I went to listen to nasty girl, nasty girl.

Do you think I'm dancing in the car and shit? Three 19 year old Jerkwafs, Jerkwafs. And he was, what are you like? I was just telling Lee. He was one of those people. He didn't smoke population. Like if you bought a $10 bag, he would buy a $25 bag and smoke the whole thing in high school. He was, I don't know all those ADHD terms today. ADD? He was half retarded. He wasn't ADD. Autistic? No, he had that shit. He had that shit that he always had to do double of what you did. We always thought Ferney would die. Like I always later on said, I wonder where Ferney is.

And then I heard he went to a party at my friend's house. Like we all know this guy. Like it's like me going to your house with your kids there, your girlfriend's there and going, can I use your bathroom? 20 minutes. You're like, he's been in that bathroom for a long fucking time. 40 minutes. You're going to knock on the door. My friend knocked on the door. He didn't hit him. He kicked the door open. Ferney had the strap on his arm. This is like, you catching me at your house. This is like, you know, he called me in Colorado. He was like, I'll tell you what happened last night. I fucking found Ferney in my bathroom, shooting arrow on that five in the fucking morning. I chased him. He ran away, you know, leave me alone. And that was the last we

really heard of. That was it. But what happened was I was living with him. And we had gone to like, you know, we hooked up on October and I got to tell you guys, it was a three month party. Like him and I went to work at five, but we were out till two every night. Every night, there was a bar right across the street. So we could park the car and walk. So worst case scenario, we were going to the city, not to blow. We go over and get reefer, park the car, smoke a joint, and then we cross the street. It was the Midtown Lounge, the Silver Fox. The guy was, they called him the Silver Fox. He was like seven needs to be in there, picking up chicks and shit. And we going there. It was like a three month tear. Finally, in December, I tapped out.

We were like, I can't do this. I got a job at a lumberyard. I lived with him the whole time. I got arrested at that fucking lumberyard for possession of stolen tools. He never said nothing to me. He was my roommate, never judged me, never questioned me, who took me out for a drink. Fuck it, we'll beat the cake. I mean, he was just a great guy. But I was living with him, and I was doing some wild shit. And I was 19. And I was straying out of the neighborhood and doing wild shit, which meant somebody was going to catch me. And one night I tried to break into a bookies house. And I cut my hand with the bar boy. And I had to cross. I robbed that guy's house on 57th Street. I had to run to 68th Street. It doesn't seem like a lot, but I had to cross

like eight avenues. When I got to his block, the cops were coming down the block with the light. And I had to hide under a car. And I'm like, if I want to be friends with this guy, I got to move out of his house. Because something's going to happen, and this house is going to get shut up. I was doing some crazy shit. I was fucking with some Cubans in Union City. That was when they were bringing cocaine up, and they had apartments, and I would break into their apartments. I knew I was going to get in trouble. And a friend of mine came up to me, because I want to go to Colorado. And I thought about it, and I said, okay, and I didn't have the heart to tell Ferney I was leaving. Like, I never had the heart to sit him down and go Ferney, I'm leaving. So while he

was at work, I packed my stuff and I wrote a letter and left it for him. Like, that's how much I loved Ferney. I was a confused kid, I don't really know. I left that about a month. I called him. We were friends, but I could see that we weren't the friends that we were. But then I came back, then we were tidying, and then he got involved in gambling, then he hit somebody with the car, and he picked me up two days later after he hit the dude with the car. And that was the first time somebody hit somebody with a car and told me a story, and I actually pissed my pants. That's how funny. Like, that's how crazy was. He was smoking a joint, and you know when you cut through a gas station, instead of waiting for the red light, he cut through the gas station,

and when he hit the sidewalk, the ash fell on his shirt. And while he was going like this, there was a guy waiting for the fucking bus, and he clipped the dude, and he got out of the car, and if you know Ferney, like if you know Ferney, when he was telling me this, I know he ain't lying to me. I knew him. He said he told the dude, I go, Ferney, what happened? He goes, I had to get out of the car, you know, he was a little stoned, I didn't want to wait for the cops. He goes, I was running late for work, so I told him to either get up or do something, because I got to get to work, and he took off, and he got home that night, and he was in the shower, and the cops fucking ripped him out of the shower, beat him up, and shit. Oh my god. But again, by this time, we were 20,

maybe 21, maybe, maybe. Now in those days, you watch vinyl. If you watch vinyl, they all have little glass with a thing, and you, now once it got advanced, a chain with a spoon came on that thing. So you would take the cap off and do little bumps. Now in those days, I could lie to you and tell you I did eight balls. No, I didn't. I always had one of those things, not Ferney. Ferney would drive around with a quarter of an ounce of blow, but here's where it got crazy. He would cut his own blow, so he would buy a fucking eight to coke, and he would cut it three and a half to three and a half to dilute it, and he would, he would cut it till it was like fucking speckled, like he weren't even getting high, and he'd sit in his car with like the ace

of spades and talk to you for like 20 minutes, and he'd just keep doing bump. He was over. What's that? OCD. He did everything more, like. Washing his hands a lot. Like you sit, like he did, like, again, you know, people do, and they put it down, they talk to you. Not Ferney. Oh no, he had to have the mirror, his own mirror, and he would just do fucking monsters every minute on the minute, and you would look at him and go, when is this going to fucking? So what happened to him? So 83, 84, boom, I go to Colorado, I got arrested, I come back to Jersey in 91, 92, I'm looking for Ferney, no Ferney. I come back in 93 after I get divorced, no Ferney, nobody's seen Ferney. His mother still lives there, she drives the school

bus, she parks the bus in front of the house. There's no Facebook, there's no Twitter. Do you know my friend Timmy Holloway's brother invites me to his house to dinner in Jersey City. I take the bus, and I have to do a transfer, and I get off, and I start walking a little bit, and I remember when I bumped into him on the fucking street corner, the Ferney with some broad. He gives me a hug, I hugged him, he goes, I heard you doing comedy now. I said, I'm trying, man, it's fucking hard, he goes, let me come see you one night. And in that whole thing, the girl looks at him and goes, is this the kid you told me about? And he goes, yeah. And he gave me some number, and I called him like 10 times, he never returned my call. That was it.

Do you regret just leaving the letter? Or do you think that might have been it? Always, till this fucking day I regret leaving that goddamn letter. He was my brother, he wouldn't have given a fuck. If I would have told him the truth, he wouldn't have, he knew what I was crazy. So what did you say in the letter then? That I loved him, that I had to leave, that 20 people were looking for me, that I would have loan sharked $10,000, and I needed some fucking space before I got killed. I didn't want to bring it into his house. And do you wish you had just said that to him? Yeah. Yeah, I wish I would have said it to him.

Well, why do you think he never answered the phone or contacted you back? Well, you know, if he would have understood, why didn't... I think by that time he was gone. Today he has HIV from shooting heroin. I heard this, and I looked at the pictures on Facebook, and I was like, yeah, he's got something. He's very hidden, nobody's ever seen him, no more reunions, no nothing. So over the weekend I'm in Paducah, and I'm sitting there giggling over one of his stupid fucking escapades. Like just a thought came into me, how he used to fuck the skinny girl I saw at the airport, and it looked like the girl. And I said, oh my God, that girl was really pretty,

but she was really bony. And I used to say, Friday, she don't have a pussy. And he goes, she's got it in there somewhere, it's good. He was always when I robbed the fucking janitor, and I had the epileptic pills. Everybody was mad at me for giving them epileptic pills. Like people were like, Joey, you're my friend, you gave me those pills. You know what Friday told me? Those fucking pills were good, man. You got to get me some more of those. He was popping those and walking around and driving. People were sleeping for three days, and like he was one of those guys, like even the epileptic pills didn't affect them. Like he was one of those fucking dudes. And I already got the heroin and stuff, so to make a

long story short, I'm sitting there watching Mercy run around, and you would get those thoughts like what type of friends will they have growing up? And for some reason I thought about my friends, I thought about Ferney. And last night I come home and I'm on Facebook, and who pops up on Facebook? But Ferney. He added you as a friend? No, no, no, no, no. I got a picture of Ferney, his brother. Oh, okay. So I went to the brother's page and in the corner, there's Ferney, and he's bald. And he's like, he's got, he still has to, he had the fucking shoulders. That's the guy who taught me how to do it behind the necks. He was behind the neck in 185, and he goes, you can do it. And he would do 165. His neck started here, and it went here,

and his waist was like this. Women would jump on this guy. Is that the picture you used to have in your old office? No, no, no. That's Rago. This was another kid that was taller. His waist was like this. He was built like this. No steroids, just push-ups, steaks, those pork sandwiches, and all heavyweight. He believed in heavyweight. So I get home last night and I see this fucking picture. And against everything I got, I said, you know what? I clicked on to the message thing, and I wrote, after 20 years, I still think about you. And I put send, and I said, this motherfucker is going to see this and never say nothing to me. I wake up this morning, there's one single message. Didn't even expect it to be him. I always wake up a few messages, and I click

on, open it up, and he wrote, I think of you too. And I said, I could open this conversation up, or leave it here. I go, I'm going to leave it right here. Just let it stew. Because this kid was my fucking dog. Dog, dog, dog. Funny, Felicia, off the cuff, like retarded, funny, like the shit he would say. Just retarded. Just retarded, funny. Can I ask, how come you just let it lay? Why? That crew never recovered. That crew never recovered. Two out of the four became Christian guys. You know, the guy that says shit in the morning. Born again. Not born again. The one became, whatever, the good looking dude in Houston with the church. Joel Osteen. Joel Osteen, the UPS

one. And the other one, Roger, also became a born again Christian. That's how deep those times were. Like, what we were thinking and what we were doing was not what 18-year-olds did. It wasn't what 18-year-olds did, you know, and it was just a heart and front. He, at that time, he had a gamming addiction. Again, we're betting 40 times. You know, the 40-timer is 200 bucks. Me and you, the gambler. Who do you like, Turner? You like the next, let's bet the next. Let's put a $200. Let's put a 40-time. First time he comes to me, he goes, what are you guys always talking about? You gamble? Really? How much you gamble? We're like, well, so he started doing math. After 10 minutes, he goes, what if I put down a $1,000 poly?

Who does that the first time? Nobody does that. That's when you bet two teams and they both have to win. I was living with him. I'm in the basement, across from him in the bed, and he's telling me this shit. And under his bed, he's got a jar filled with 150s. And he goes, if I lose, I could cover this. He goes, so what do I do? I go, call my friends dad. A thousand-time poly. Seattle and somebody else. What does that win? You can't even fucking imagine what it wins. 18 years old. Calls it in. The first game wins outright. The second game, it's 27-0 at halftime. We both smoke a joint. We go to bed. I kind of giggle in the way. We both wake up. Seattle comes back and beats 28, 27. He wins a thousand bucks. My friend's dad calls him back and he goes,

if you want, come pick up the money. He goes, get dressed. Let's go pick up the money. Let's go out for the best dinner we've ever had. We go to Pika Leasy, mom. This is the spot, Jack. Fucking waiters with the fucking suits. White people, four legal jerseys, overlooking the huts and people kissing, glass wines. I never saw that before in my life, all that shit. I go in there. I used to go on there on little dates and with friends at the lobster fraud, the outlaw dish. I go for anything. What do you want to eat? He goes, I don't know. I go, I get the lobster fraud. He goes, I never had lobster before. Now that's even more of a reason to get it. Lobster fraud, they brought you a dish shaped like a fucking fish, Felicia.

And it had pasta in the middle. Then all around it had clams and mussels. Then on the top was a fucking lobster tail with four huge fucking prawns, Felicia. It turned with red spicy sauce with a big loaf of bread with butter. Come on, Felicia. Tremendous. We go in there. He's fucking devours his plate. He's thirsty and he drinks the finger bowl. Picked up the fucking finger bowl and drank it like nothing. And after that, he went on a gambling tour. He was up $60,000 under his bed, 18 years old. Wow.

And he lost it all on the Super Bowl plus 30 and that cracked him and the book he made him pay. So he had to pay every week, $300, $400 every week. He paid the guy until he had him 800. He told the guy to go fuck himself and that cracked him. He never watched sports again. Never. Ever. Not even as a joke. When I bumped into him in 93, I go, you watch sports again. He goes, never again. He wouldn't even watch. Never. Yeah, that's, that's crazy. And back then, back then when two dollars, yeah, when the dollar was worth twice the amount it's worth now, that was a tremendous amount

of money, man. To kill the bees against the Redskins. That was the Super Bowl. He lost his ass on and he became a different person. Like after that at 18, he had to get a job at a gas station from four to 12. And then he worked at his father's restaurant from six before. So he only slept on Saturday and Sunday. And he did that for eight months until he paid the 30 or 40 grand off. Did his parents know that that had happened? He had to go to his parents and borrow 20 from them and it was ugly. So, so you're happy with how your conversation, like that's why you don't really want to

go for it. Like it was as perfect as it could be. Yeah. That's all I needed from him. If I, if you knew this kid, if I engage him right now, I might I'm just gonna leave it there. That's as good as it gets in my world for me. What are you supposed to do when you lose friends? Like I have that friend who I went to his wedding in Vermont. He was my, my best friend in high school and I didn't have like a bunch of friends. He was my, like my best friend and he, for the past couple of months, he won't answer my call. I don't know what to do. People get married, people change. You don't know what his life is like. Well, I just had a friendship that kind of went kaput with someone who was very close to me.

And I think people don't understand that friendships just like relationships aren't meant to be forever. That doesn't mean they have any less value. You know, I think sometimes people in your life are a certain period of time to bring clarity to that time. But, but when you have children, you don't teach children or we don't teach each other that it's okay if you're not friends anymore. But, but maybe we should teach them how to disengage a friendship, you know? Well, I have a different frame of thought. Like when I didn't talk to you for a while, I still loved you. We would just manage each other. That was complete. I didn't want to lose your friendship. You were kind of mad at each other. Yeah, but I still loved

you. After I came to my senses, I really didn't miss you. I miss all my friends. I miss all my friends. Like when Chuck McBrain, I miss like it's basketball. Yeah, then I'm watching basketball. I thought about Chuck McBrain. I'm like, how they fucking stupid game that me and that fucking moron go to. Now he's a basketball coach at Ramaphore or whatever, you know, and just we were talking about college basketball last week and now the players, I used to write the coaches and I didn't lose Chuckie. We grew apart and we connected, not even on Facebook. He hunted me down and today we talk every 90 days. You know, I know he's busy with college, but we never stop loving each other. Then there's the people you grow away from. But it's naturally somebody gets married,

somebody has a kid, somebody stops getting high, you know, somebody gets a DUI and people put fucking blame. I had something in December that happened to me that was just horrible. I went back, he's shooting my family and I got those Hilton fucking points and a week before I went Hilton fucking hit me up and said, we'll either give you a room for free one night or we'll take a room off your tab. So I call one of my best friends in life and I go, Hey man, what are you doing next weekend? Why don't you come up, bring the wife, see the baby, we'll get some Chinese food, smoke a couple of joints. And he goes, that's not a bad idea. This is 40 fucking years, Felicia. You know, he spent millions on me this kid. I call him back and he'll come up and we'll go to

dinner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And one of the conversations he calls me back and he goes, Hey man, I'm thinking of bringing my kids. I go, dog, I'm bringing a kid. I'm not calling you to see the kids. I'm calling to see you. He goes, all right, I'll call you tomorrow. He didn't call me back. Yeah. I was like, I opened my fucking mouth. I said something about the kids. I really don't like his girlfriend's boyfriend. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I know, she's a fucking baby. I was in the fucking outside when she was getting delivered. And she's been dating this creepy motherfucker since she's like 17 showing up in my comedy shows with him and it eats me a lot. I'm one of those girls. I'm that uncle. I just, and I can't say nothing. And I'm like,

like he was telling me he lives at the house with them. That sent me into a fucking loop. Like, I was like, this is you let this guy live under the same roof with her in your fucking house. Like, this isn't the guy I know, but I guess you make exceptions for your daughters. You know, I guess you say this is the guy that she likes and she wants. So I said it as a joke. It was true. I wanted to see him. His niece sent me a picture of me and him in high school hugging. I'm like, oh, what the fuck? I wouldn't have been nice. So for three months, I was like, there goes 40 years. He called me two weeks ago and he goes, he's still mad at me. I'm not mad at you. I could never be mad at him. Never. After

all we went through, okay, you can't come up. Just call me. But he said, I was embarrassed, Cokes. I got shit going on with my life. You don't know, but okay. I accepted. Now we've been talking. He's taking a flying off the black Sabbath at the Hollywood ball and doing acid with me. And I make me feel good. Like that we could reconnect. I feel bad. Like I didn't get him a gift for his wedding, but I like, but you flew out there. That was a geno and a tuxedo and shoes and dinners and a rental car. Maybe that's his woman saying. No, no, no. I'm close with his wife. I was thinking, honestly, you, because I was thinking about maybe calling his wife because we're close, but I don't want to go around somebody. No, call. Listen, what's going on? They

haven't called me back. Maybe there's something going on. I don't know. Maybe this kid had a fucking heart attack. He's in the hospital room and she's watching them every night. Maybe his father's sick. You don't fucking know these things. Right. So just call the wife and go, Hey, I don't mean to pry, but I've been calling for three months. Nobody calls me back. Is everything okay? Is there anything I could do? But then here's the thing. Like I had a friend and I'm not going to name names that we were super, super close. And then I could tell, you know, when someone starts shining you, you can fucking tell, right? What's shining? You know, when someone's like not like kind of dodging you, but they're not really coming. And when you do hang out,

you can feel the energies kind of fucked up. Did they all? What? Did they all? No. But then, and then I said to this person, like, what's up? And then she had like this whole fucking list of shit that I had done over like three or four months. And it was like, you have a fucking list. You have a list, you know? And some of it was like, because I teased her about her outfit once, but it was like, oh, you're so adorable in that outfit. And then she got upset at that. And then she got mad because I said something about her friend that wrote thank you cards made her daughter learn how to write like stupid shit like that. And then she got, this is when I was like, okay, I have to disengage for a while. She got upset because my son and me were watching Comedy Central.

And on Comedy Central, someone said, Oh, that's a basic bitch. But as we were watching it in the kitchen, I was actually on match.com. But I had my computer up, you know, my laptop where he couldn't see I was on match.com. And he goes, Mom, what's a basic bitch? And I turn the computer around, I go, all these guys on match.com, basic bitches, right? And we laugh so hard. So I tell my friend that. And then she's like, I was so offended that you and your son had that conversation. You told me that story. And I'm like, Are you fucking kidding? Yeah, like, why, what the fuck is that about? And when someone starts making a list, it's like, fuck that. Did you have like a written down list? She never written down list. But when I was like, what's going on, I feel like there's this weirdness.

And I had to kind of corner her. And then she's like, Well, it's this, this and this. And then she goes, let's make an appointment next week. And we'll talk about what our problems are with each other. And I'm like, the only problem I have is that my best friend don't like me anymore. That's the only fucking problem I have. Like you have a fucking list, you know, and I said to her, you know, when you have a friendship, there's shit that you say in front of your friend that your friend gets annoyed. She said stuff in front of me, like how she doesn't have kids and how she was saying shit about kids on a plane. Like, and you know, like before I had kids that, you know, I used to think the same things. And no matter what someone would have told me, I would have

never understood what fucking having kids is like. And so I said to her, well, sometimes you're really fucking mean about kids and how parents don't take care of their kids on a plane. And, and then I get all pissed off for like a millisecond. But then I realized, you have that right to think that and there's nothing I'm going to say that's going to change that. So who gives a fuck? I'm not mad about it. Let's, you know, who gives a fuck, you know, but, but some people will like just take out of the air little tiny things that have nothing to do with you. And then you have to understand that friendship sometimes is letting that person have their moment. And but that you don't have to buy into their shit. That's not you. That's him. You

don't have to worry, even though you miss the friendship, you don't have to carry it around. No, I know. But then like, I feel bad, like I haven't, it's really tough. I don't know. But when you go to college and you come out and start working, you're so focused on all that stuff. I just, I wasn't really a great friend. I didn't call that often. But then again, like no one, whenever I feel like that, I'm like, no, I don't, I'm not like denying call. I'm not like ignoring calls from all these people. So it's, it's a two way street, but it's still, you never want to lose someone. So I'm a fucking animal. I've told Felicia for years. And Lee and I were having a conversation. Felicia has felt it. And Lee and I were having a conversation.

I did it tonight. I know you've had this comment. You've had this thought. Comedy is a great thing to do. Life is great. But comedy is even better because you really get to learn the little things about life that while you're suffering as a standup comic, you're learning things that most people won't see about human beings. And people treat you on the road and how you've been stuck in certain situations. This complete strange has bailed you out. And in my world tonight, I was talking to Lee about drugs, you know, and we were talking about the disgusting things I did on blow with women, just animalistic, disgusting things that didn't make me feel any, I don't know. You know what I am? Like you meet somebody,

they're with somebody, you give them a bump of cup, mix, you know, you swap and spit finger in the bathroom. Meanwhile, the date is at the bar and you're sitting there and you go home and you go, what the fuck just happened? What the fuck just happened? And then you go, you know what? This is what comedy is all about. You know what I'm saying? Why question it? I'm not going to question life in the little things. You can't talk about this on stage, but believe it or not, I think of all those people. I still think of the stinky hot chick that picked me up in Ogallala, Nebraska. I still, like I wish I knew her name, so I would have looked her up on Facebook and thanked her for the kind things she did in 1995 when I was a fucking starving, doing a

triple run and the axle on my car broke down and she picked me up hitchhiking. No bra on Felicia. It was like one of those episodes of, remember the hitchhiker on HBO, late night the guy would be hitchhiking on some hot chick would pick him up and suck his dick and then drop him off and what a life. You know what I'm saying? Like Jesus, I'm thinking about hitchhiking. This was perfect until she started saying, will you come back to my place? Wait till my friends meet you and we all pray together. I'm like, wait a second, let me talk about praying. Jesus threw that curve ball and we were just going to go back and eat and dinner and have a great time and we'd pray. She goes, well, I live in a thing, a commune and we pray at night. You're more than welcome to come

over and eat and spend the night. I'm like, listen, drive me to the gas station. So my little fantasy just escaped, even her. Like you think about all these people. Like I do. I do. I'm an animal. But when you had those moments of being with chicks like that and fingering them in a bathroom and coking them up and putting gum in their ass, whatever you're doing, I remember that story, or the rapper in her butt, but do at the time afterwards, did you feel, and I don't know if guilt is the right word, but did you feel gross about your behavior? Absolutely. You did? But for how long? Like, and then that was over. And I'm being completely serious. Or you know what I mean? I would think of where the fuck that came from.

And I would write it off to the cocaine at the position where I was in my life. Because that's something I wouldn't, you know, there's something you're all drinking and doing. It's like the comedy store we were discussing the other night. If you really think back about the disgust fest that was, you know, everybody on the outside thought it was a great time for comedy, but they really looked into the inside. It became an evil thing. Yeah, it was pretty gross. You know, and that's that drug trend of bringing your friend's girlfriend or your friend's wife or you know, whatever the fuck you're doing, that's not home. It's fun, you know, why you're doing it, but then you think back and you go, she's a mom today. One night we had two cocks on the fucking

mountain and a cork up her asshole and she's barking and shit. Today she's driving the kid to the seventh grade like nothing. You think about this and you see him and you're happy at that life worked out. You don't know how many girls on Facebook that I grew up with that were fucking savages. And now I see them. They got a baby, they're life chains. God bless them. Like you like God, I thought about all those people Felicia, whether I fucked around with them or not. If you came into my journey, God forbid you gave me a ride or fed me or gave me a joint for the road. Oh my God, I still think of those people like people who drove me to this trailways to get a bus. You meet those people on the road. Did we get to a town one night early?

I think about, uh, one time I was doing a gig and I had, this is when I was first doing comedy and I had a 1970 Mustang and it was a piece of shit and I had to drive to do the comedy store when the comedy store was at the old Dunes Hotel in Las Vegas and I broke down in the middle of the desert and some guy came with a truck and gave me a ride all the way to Vegas and I called and got my car towed and I think about all the time like, how fucking nuts is that that I got into some guy's truck in the middle of, in the middle of the desert, you know, but that he did that kindness for me, you know, it's crazy. I'm on the run. I got caught in the hotel room in San Francisco and I didn't get arrested, but they were coming to get me. I'll never forget this,

they were coming to get me and I took Mike's wife and we took a bus to Reno. We got to Reno, we couldn't even get rolling papers at that time. They were throwing in jail for 22 fucking years, so we took a bus right back to San Francisco. We went to the bus station and the next morning we woke up and we pwned as many things as we could and we got in the fucking car. Something happened, she left the cash at the bus station, Mike's wife. Then what, from just buying all that stuff? Something weird happened. Something fucking weird happened at the bus station. She went and got a soda and put a purse down in the 800 hours and we had the karma coming to us. Don't get me wrong,

it was coming to us and we just didn't know what time here it was. Cops were looking for us, we were in a cab to the airport, we made the cab driver turn around, take us back to the fucking bus station, we looked while it was gone. Guy goes, well you have a flight to catch, yeah we do, she had a flight to catch. I was going to get stuck until she went home and got more money. So we went back to the airport and the guy gave us his business card and he trusted us and she had to go back to get the front of the jewellery that we pawned and she called the guy, he picked her up, gave her a ride to get the jewellery, she paid him the money, he drove her right back to the airport a year later and I still think about that fucking cab

driver. What, most cab drivers would have said, fuck you, he drove us back to SFO and gave us a business card. We could have told him to fuck off and rip that card up. I said, no, we're gonna pay that guy that fucking money, I don't give a fuck how we pay it, we're gonna pay that guy, it was like 55 bucks, we got the guy the fucking money, I've always felt good about doing that, that's the type of shit that you make his day. You're like, what, he remembered? Oh my god, like in those days I was doing a lot of bad things but from time to time I would do good things doing that, I still remember doing that, like going back and she paid the guy the 55 plus like 100 dollar tip and he wouldn't take the tip, he was like, no, no, no, I'm embarrassed,

no, you fucking bailed us out that night, you have no idea, I still think about that guy, that was 31 years ago, like what happened to that fucking dude, like I wish I could do a sitcom where I go looking for these motherfuckers just on, like what happened to this guy that, you know, gave me a ride to the improv that time, you know, when you're a feature actor and you fly in and you realize the club is 40 fucking minutes, that's a $200 camera, you basically got $30 in cash, there's no ATM card when I was featuring, there was nothing, you have no fucking idea how many people picked me up at the airport for free and oh my god, I think of those people, like I fucking don't remember their names but I remember their faces,

which- But also when you hear a story about someone paying someone back, like I was engaged briefly to this guy after I was divorced and he got out of nowhere a $1,000 check from Chelsea Handler and apparently like 10 years beforehand when she had just come into town, he had lent her money, I don't know what the situation was, I don't know, but when she made it on her show and everything, 10 years later, how many years later, sent him the money back out of the blue and I was never a big fan of hers but I was like, damn, that's fucking awesome, it's awesome that she did that, you know? You make somebody's fucking day like that, day, you give them faith for a day, you really give somebody faith for a day when you make that

that type of movement when you're like, hey, 10 years ago you gave me $82 and you know, like till this day I try to give already 40 bucks he lent me and he always goes, no, no, no, forget it man, I don't give a fuck, till this day, I still remember, he lent me 40 bucks on the road one time, whenever I go to give it back, no, no, no, no, no, don't give it back, so I, you know, you just think of all that shit, I wish I would have written names down, I wish I would have done like a, like I would have wrote my road log down, like road, wrote down like a diary of dates and kept it, I didn't think, you know, I didn't think, I did have notebooks when I wrote, like the day, like what I wanted to do, what I was thinking, but it was, I would do

it at night when I was coked up, so I couldn't even read it, it was hieroglyphics in the morning, I would catch one word and try to put the fucking thing together, you know, but I wish I would have run like road diaries, like, and now I don't do nothing on the road, I go eat breakfast, to free breakfast, I fucking talk to the guy at the fucking front desk, I get him an M's at night, I go to my room, that's it, that's it, I go to my room, I drink coffee, I watch law and order, that's it, I think of my fucking life on the road now to compare to, you know, when you did a gig and stayed out and fucking, but then you were featuring, you didn't even give a fuck, you just needed to come up with 20 minutes and I'm out of that bitch, you know what I'm saying, so, but on the

friend thing, I grieve over that every day, I grieve over not talking to Glen Conte and Farny and those guys, so to me, just knowing that he thinks about me from time to time, that made my day, because I think about him, I think about sitting down with him and maybe having a conversation when I know that, I'm happy with that, if he hits me back on Facebook and wants to get together, come to a show, which he won't, he was never one of those type of dudes, I could get him to a movie or maybe a Chinese restaurant, that was the most to his extent, I couldn't get him out even in those days, he didn't understand, you know, I would meet him for lunch or something, I just got together with another friend, I didn't talk to him for maybe 10 years and he was at a Salvation

Army, he was getting his life back together, he was working on an elevator or something like that and I think about those dudes, I hung out with him when my mom died, I was with him every day for fucking two years every day, you know, your kid's age, you know, that was my house, he was, he always complained to his mom, mom, come you give him a bigger piece of chicken than me, what the fuck, and he'd go, think about the fucking situation, okay, let him get the bigger piece of chicken, in Spain, and he had an aunt that lived in the back that was crazy, so she'd be back there watching Spanish television swat and flies, we just giggled at it, we just giggled, she could go fuck yourselves in London or other and shit, but he just called me, so it's nice, listen to some

of the other guys, man, we went our own fucking ways, another guy hit me up two weeks ago, that was cool with me, and then when he got on high school, he became an undercover cop and shit, and he started busting my friends, I didn't accept the friend request, fucking, fucking douchebag, we were tight, he knew what we were doing, that's like cheating and shit, you know what I'm saying, he busted my friends, what type of fucking guy does that shit? Well, I had this friend that I met when I was 19, who was a stripper, and she was an awesome stripper, she had like the best costume, she would do theme shows, she would do, you know, that song little red riding hood, she'd come out in a red cape and have a little basket and give

everyone little chocolate kisses, and we've had this friendship now for how many years, but sometimes we don't talk for like three and five years, because she goes fucking crazy, and she just does crazy shit, but she's like my co-witness in one of the most turbulent times of my life, so she always means a lot to me, but she sometimes doesn't understand how a friendship should work, what's so funny, what's so funny? I'm laughing because I gotta ask you a question. Okay, ask me a question. Listen. What's going on? I lose my mind. I hear voices sometimes. I have a tough time sleeping, you know what I'm saying? Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to pee, and I just don't get up,

and I just sleep. What does that mean? I just sleep with the fucking tarot of pee inside of me for two hours, until I finally got to give in to pee. I do it all the time, but like, what a horrible way to fucking sleep and live your fucking life. When you got to pee and you're like, there's no way I'm gonna fucking, I'm not getting up, it's too cold to get up, and you hold it for two hours, that's self-portrait, like most countries that's disgusting, and you get up and you got to pee and shit. No, the worst is when you have to fart. Oh, no, I let it out. I don't give a fuck about it. And then it's not a fart? I'm too old. I fought on the plane, it was so fucking bad, it was that Paducah meat the other day, the guy next to me was

sleeping, they went into his nostrils, fucking with snoring, tremendous. I love when they give a they give that little fuck. So I listen and I know these things. Did you ever do that, Policia? Yeah, I did. When did you shit yourself? Yeah, you've never done that. No, of course I have. I can't imagine you ever doing that. I didn't shit myself, I was just close to it. You've never shit yourself in the middle of the night? No, no, I didn't shit myself in the plane. Okay. A couple years ago, I had an incident where I had to get up, I ate those tacos, from the corner of that time, my Lancashire, I got fucked up for two days. I still did the headline spot at the improv the next night with diarrhea. I know, I know. You can't laugh,

you can't sneeze, you can't giggle. One time my sister-in-law, she got the flu and she's like, I have to sleep on a towel and I was giving her so much shit and then I got the flu from her and I had to sleep on a towel. It's crazy though, as a comedian at one point, you just start snapping, our girl snapped in New Jersey this weekend. Did you see that? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't snap in New Jersey. Did she snap or she was just talking about what she wanted to talk about? She snapped. Okay, I don't know. Listen to me. Do you know what comes out of my mouth at that fucking club? Yeah. Okay, that club, I worked that motherfucker raw. That's my back fucking yard. Do you understand me? You have any fucking idea? I throw down at that club because I can open

the valley of New Jersey. I grew up there. I know all the little intricacies, the different towns, I could say, where they go to spring break. I know all that shit and I've never fucking had a bad set in there. They're savages. She said a rape joke. I don't know what the fuck happened last night. I don't know what the fuck happened. Something must have fucking happened. See, the people go to see a sensitive white people. They're Gentiles and society goes up. They are. They're gluten free. They drink macchanos. New Jersey too? Oh, they got them. Oh, those people are spreading. Yeah. Oh, those fucking people are spreading. I'm happy you're here. I'm really happy you're here because there's something I got to show you. Lisa, I call Lisa here today. I haven't seen this in years.

You know, listen, I came from Cuba. All I ever wanted to be was a dirty white person. That's all I ever wanted in life. When I was about 13, I really got a fucking taste of it. My mom put music on the bar and I heard this music on my way to second. Morrison was dirty, but that poetry shit didn't make him that dirty. That poetry shit pulled him out. Like, the end is strong. But when I heard the almond brothers, Felicia, something about them that makes me go ape shit, like especially so puts them on for Felicia put on the almond brothers live from the Fillmore East 929 1970 whipping post. Okay, that's gonna have to just put whipping posts live from the Fillmore East. I want Felicia to see this one. By the way, I saw this and I was in Kansas

with my family over Easter and my stepmother was watching PBS, but she was watching a documentary about the sound studios and muscle shows. Oh, such an amazing documentary. No, that's badass. Who went there and shit? Yeah. Did you watch Vinyl last night? I did. When we went to talk to Elvis, and he's like, what, we go to muscle shows and Elvis was fucking foaming at the fucking mouth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Let me blow my nose. Yeah. Lee, if you get a chance to watch this documentary, it was so amazing and it was about how Dwayne Almond came down and then he brought his brothers, but all the people that record the first one on top in those studios. It's amazing. The stones. All Aretha Franklin, all the people.

Look at these two savages. And then we're going to fast forward this. You know, people talk about singers. Anybody could go up there and sing, but to lay your soul down to different worlds, hit it, Lisa. Why start from the beginning? Just in the beginning. We'll fast forward it. Watch these savages. See, these guys didn't know they weren't thinking about Trump. They weren't thinking about Republicans. They weren't thinking about black people. This band, they were just thinking of being white brilliance. This is all this is. This is white brilliance. Look at that guy's voice, though. Look at that boy's face. Yeah. Are you fucking? Fuck Brad Pitt. Fuck Dan Michael Vincent. Fuck

Son's anarchy. Look at his eyes. What the fuck you think is on his mind? Are you fucking kidding me? I know it's pretty amazing. So awesome. What do you think he's thinking about? He's like, I'm not going to fuck up. That's what he's thinking. That's white brilliance, Felicia. Yeah. These guys are from dirty town in Florida or Jacksonville or one of those places that look at this guy. I don't know. Nobody sent him. But he don't even care about the memo. Yeah. He don't have time to fuck with the memo. Do they have two drummers? I think they do, right?

Yeah, they have two drummers. I like the black one. Listen, ask the Alvin brothers who they like and they'll go. He doesn't have a color. They didn't think that way. These guys thought about the soul of the music. That's right. That's why in the documentary, that was really one of the first times in those studios where blacks and whites work together and they were talking about in Muscle Shoals how they would come out of the studios and there'd be white guys and black guys and everyone would stare at them just hanging out because they had the connection of music and how when Wayne Alvin came, he was the first guy that had the long hair and then people really were like, who the fuck is that, you know? They didn't look at Colorado.

They looked it. They didn't see color these guys. They grew up in fucking, we hate Brothersville. Look at this guy. How many joints do you think he smoked today? This shit this morning had me sweat, Felicia. Yeah. Pouring out of my armpits. My sides were sweating. I was drinking coffee. I was banging that fucking pipe outside. I watched this whole thing. I was like, Jesus Christ. Look at, look effortlessly. Look how cool he is. Now, I think that guy's Dickie Best. That's the crazy guy that they all talk about. The one in the middle, the guitar player. Or is he a bass player? The guitar player. He's just as lethal as this fucking sandwich right here.

And I had to stand by and take a leg. Oh, I'm loving you. I drive myself inside though. And I look at what you've done. Nothing's changed. The bad times say the same. Why? That really affects you. Oh, this is white brilliance. This is something that they didn't, uh, they didn't walk around with their coffee cups. They didn't care about what you did. Look at them. Look at them. They didn't care. They cared about them. This is live. It sounds like and there's, I don't know how many fucking people there. That's a big place. These guys were, this will never happen again. You don't think? Never again. They don't appreciate it. They don't,

this is something completely different. They were going, you think those guys have a costume designer? Did you see any hats? Did you see any of that? Give me a fucking guitar. You really want to, you know what you're getting yourself into by coming here tonight? Yeah. Well, I didn't know. We're going to rock and you know, suck every, you ready? That's what they did. Look at them. They didn't fucking care. They didn't care. They haven't let it skin it. The best things that happened. And I always say, if the fucking, they wouldn't have died, it would have been a different game. But these guys, they're fucking, that's too much for me to even watch. That fucking makes me get the car and just drive off a cliff because I could never get that good. I could never be that

free. Really? That's even when you're on stage and you're just talking some major shit and you're not even doing your act and you're just free flowing. That those guys tapped into something. Not, I could tap into something, but for you, why you, Lee and I to tap into something together. It's a completely different ball game at the same time. Three people on that fucking stage connecting. Yeah. That's perfectly, that'll never happen again. Led Zeppelin at the garden. That'll never happen again. You have falls strange to the night. That'll never happen again. And you, when you have a great set is not at that level. Like all the best out of your life. Listen, man, I dream to achieve that type of perfection.

That's what you dream of. Not one night, but to do that three out of five nights on the road, alcohol, women, drugs, freedom. That's a big fucking word. And that's what those guys were. They didn't give a fuck. They reached the level to do that at the film more East, you know, to have all those songs, watch that whole thing and you'll sit there and go, what the fuck are you guys on? I'll do it. I'll do it. What do they got? Give me the exact Chinese powder they run and who shot it and what that's what I want. That's perfection. Do you ever have a a time in your life where you did sets that were so exceptional to you that you remember it? Like for me, I remember living in New York and I did once it set at Joe's pub, which was sometimes kind

of a hard place to work. And I don't know how it happened, but I had one of the best sets that I'd ever had. And I still think about that night, how it was like lightning struck for me. Do you ever have a set like that that you think about? Yeah. Yes. And where was that at? Last year on the road, last year on the road, there would be a couple of cities I would go into and I'd have my fucking way to the point where I couldn't believe it. Like there were ice house crowds. Like you weren't doing great. You were manhandling them like for 40 fucking minutes, you know, like 46 minutes of manhandling them. When we taped the special in Vegas, that specialist could put because I didn't manhandle them. The room was too big and my timing was off. I had to do

too much time. I felt like I had dragged my material and get my point across. It really wasn't my style. I'm not good at shooting fucking specials, man. I'm good at shooting CDs. I'm not really good at specials for some reason. Why do you think that is? I got like a mental block in my mind. I fucking fold two days before the special. Really? Yeah, I fold two days before the special. I just cave. It's too much. Yeah. I don't know. I always think that name the three specials that fucking inspired you. Well, for sure. Richard Pryor live on Sunset. Really? Yeah. Why? Because right when I, Jeff Valdez, when I was 19 years old, I lived with him and my dad came in to Denver and my dad was projectionist and he had to go. His job is when

that old equipment was being replaced, he would go in and replace the old equipment and put the new equipment in and take it with him. He worked at a really old theater where he replaced the equipment and it was Richard Pryor's live on Sunset that came on and that changed my life. Then I saw about a year ago, the documentary about Richard Pryor doing that special and how the first night when he did that special. He bombed, bombed, bombed. That was about the time at the Hollywood Bowl where he went up there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where were you when I needed your shit? Right. Right. And then I mean like his ass must have been sweating. He was bombing so hard and then he came back the next night and killed it. You know, and I can relate as a comic

to that, you know, to, and I think that you don't even have to be a comic to relate to that, you know, something you're doing at your job where you fucked up, you know, and you know you got it and then you're like, I'm going to fucking do it no matter what. And then you go back and you kill it the next night. So for that, that's one of my top specials that I think changed my life in the beginning and then changed my life a year or two ago when I saw the documentary. I think it was a year ago. Well, I took the bus to go see that special. You did? I took the bus on a Friday night with Sabatino, Downing Special, his older brother. We had to be 13, 14, maybe 15, I guess, right? Something like that. We took the bus down there and I got my arm cut. At the way out,

they tried to mug us in Jersey City, but I remember going to see that special and being happy because he had recovered from the burn, you know, that shit. But when he did that joke, I think I almost fell down and there's many nights that I've sat there smoking weed, thinking about that night, thinking while I was watching that at that early age in the back of my mind, was I really thinking about staying up and I got looking and telling the truth and not at all. I thought it was brilliant. Well, he had done, I fucking went home, I had Bicentennial Nega. I had, was it something I said? In fact, today I went to a doctor. On the elevator, it was five chicks, five old bats going to fucking elevator. I got on with them and they're all staring me down.

Right? I'm sitting in the back. I didn't say nothing. I didn't say a word. I got in the back. I'm also in the elevator too. The second floor, the thing opens up and all five bags are all gone. I look at the one, I go, was it something I said? And that's the cover. It was one out with the thing on and there's a bunch of white people. He's got a mascot or they got hoods on or something like that. When I heard that, that really impacted me. That really, and again, stand-up was nowhere close. When I went to see that guy from Boston in 87 stand-up was not even on the fucking horizon. Nothing at all that time. Nothing. I didn't even think about it like that. I didn't start thinking about it seriously till 88 and I didn't get on stage till 91. So that's how long I dragged

my fucking feet, you know? But when I think of specials, I think of that one. I think of Andrews, special. Who? Andrews. The first one's from Philadelphia. Andrew Dysclam. I think of Eddie Murphy's Delirious. And two nights before, I'm doing my special IK because in the back of my mind, they'll never be that good. That's what I want. I want that type of perfection, that it happens once in a lifetime, but it lives forever. In the back of my mind, I cave. Even though I go on the road four weeks and polish it and cut shit out and really tune up the energy because that, I gotta come out. Once I come out energy high, I got them. But I gotta come out in the first round like Rocky Balboa. I can't piss around and make believe I'm Seinfeld. Once I think I'm Seinfeld,

it's over. I'm so surprised to hear that. Yeah. You helped me a lot because you told me once you are what you are. People come see you, come see that type of shit and that nonsense. And I understood I go, she's right. There's people I could listen to and there's people I could not listen to. And that's just the way life is, you know? Well, conversely, when I started at the comedy store, Richard Pryor would come in and he would come in on a Tuesday night and he would do a set and, you know, that special changed my life. But then you fast forward 10 years later or whatever, and probably not 10, like five years later, and he would come into the original room, go up at 830 on a Tuesday night and he would be so fucking terrible. And you,

as a young comic, you'd be sitting there going, what the fuck, man? This is supposed to be the great Pryor, but you're young. You don't know. And then you would see him come in every night. And then they come in Wednesday and maybe one joke would work. And by Friday night, it would be like fucking butter. You know what I mean? It would be so amazing. And you're like, this is the fucking great Pryor and he would be killing it. And that was a big lesson to me as a comedian, that to see someone who I revered so much to eat the biggest shit and not care, Chappelle does that. I saw Chappelle do that the other night. You have to do that. You have to do that. You have to do that. That's the tight rope.

That's the tight rope. That's the discipline. That's it. Until you can do that, nothing really moves forward. That's why what really helped me was 98 at the store. I got involved in something up there that was a sort of storytelling. And that gives you patience. When you saw the story tell, you got to be up there for a minute or two weaving them. So you got to become interesting. That taught me the patience. Lee, hit it. Let's do some shout outs here. Felicia's got to go do a set and shit. You're sitting there all fucking stone. I'm happy you came by and shit. Well, thank you for having me. That's not your bad motherfucker. Oh, no. It's interesting.

I'm gonna go pick up the steroids tomorrow. I gotta go on a four week steroid plan to reduce the swelling in my nose. What's going on with that? It's gone. I had to answer a question and you got like four out of fucking seven. That's it. So for four weeks, I go on the steroid thing, reduces the swelling. I got to be off this by Friday. Yeah, that stuff is no good. You can get addicted to it, right? Yeah. Now it's not even working no more. So how do you pass and do? I'm going to have a hard time working out because when I can't breathe, I get anxiety. So you're allowed to put one sprain in the morning and one nostril and one sprain in the other one every 12 hours. You got to just go wing yourself off and

just toughen it up for a weekend like us. I used to have an uncle and a cousin who was addicted to that nose spray and they would keep it in their little pocket. Oh my God. And they would, they would speaking of a guy with a mirror always doing that, right? With a spoon. They would be every like five to 10 minutes. They'd do a snort, snort. No, I got the last couple weeks, 10 days. I mean, blast one or two and I got it. I got to blow my nose and then put my head back and let it go in there. And I've been sleeping at night. So hopefully they're going to put a balloon in there in four weeks. You know what I'm saying? Lee, you were right over there. That little 200 package fucking kill you. Yeah. Give us some shout outs here. My name is this penny. Barbara Lingus hoping

your dad's good. Joey Rookland looking good. Hayden Hurlburt, Kyle Uba, Travis Anderson, Rad Jazz, and my man Jesse Wright. If you motherfuckers in the San Francisco, Oakland, Bay Area this weekend, Felicia Michaels is working at the. I'm going to back to being Reno at the time. Reno at the Silver Legacy. Silver Legacy, but it's the laugh factory in the Silver Legacy. No, but people who drive on the weekends for the Bay Area. Sometimes people do. Yeah. No, they do. They do. They will. They have nothing going on. They'll say, you know what, fucking, let's take a ride to Reno, get fucked up, watch Felicia Michaels fucking blow the stage up up in Reno. That's a good little place. Yeah, I can't wait. I've never been there before. Not to

that room. I used to go up there when there was a catcher rising star. No catcher rising stars are they done? I don't know. I think there's one in Jersey still, isn't it? Check it out, Lisa. I am banned from there. Are you really? Me and the kids from Philly, the kid that does the signs for the improv. Hey, you don't talk. And he's from Philly. You ever go to any of the improv's in the beginning of the show? A guy comes on and goes, I know you're here. You came down to watch comedy, but your cell phone, talk, shut up, talk. What's his name? Todd Glass. Todd Glass. Todd Glass is from Philadelphia. And me and him are the only two comedians banned from the whole catcher rising star chain. What did you do to get banned? I was working the week and there was a snowstorm.

And at 5.30 they called me and they go, Hey, we're canceling the show. Then at 7.30 it died snow and they called me back and they go, we got a show and I was in the city. So I said, guys, I'm in the fucking city. I'll never make it. You guys could do this to me. There's a snowstorm. There's traffic. So I didn't show up. They gave me my check and shit, but then they just said he's fine. I was always working Reno. Reno was good. Reno was a fun place because the machines were fucking broken. So you'd always hit the jackpot for 1100. But then the clinker is the guy that ran the fucking club was tight with the floor manager. So on Saturday they let you go in the booth and they would run the money for like 10 minutes

until you catch money. You got to do it. You got to do it. That's right. When you're like cocaine problem, you know what I'm saying? Every $10 account. Soon as you, in the old days, as soon as you checked in, they gave you an envelope. Soon as you came in, they gave you an envelope, a coupons for the Chinese noodle bar and the buffet. Not bad. I went there with, what's the guy that died? The Vietnam vet Cuban Vince from the comedy store got diabetes towards the end. The Asian wife, nice guy, did the CDs for everybody. He did the week with me. I did it with Schubert one week.

I was doing it a lot and they fucking banned, but I was up there twice a year up there, the silver legacy. I would hit the jackpot for 900 and then I would get three, four, five, six hundred in the fucking thing and they gave you a measly 75 as check. You know, it didn't do anything for you, but who gives a fuck? Just the little things you made though and the guy was cool because the assistant, the assistant, the assistant, the assistant, the assistant manager at the club was also the manager at the recording studio. So he would steal the dupes. Who does that shit? Oh, this is when the improv was there? No, this is when Cat was there. There was a kid, there was a manager at the comedy club.

In daytime, he worked at the recording studio and bands would go up there to record and he would put an extra tape recorder on it. You know what I'm saying? That he would pull them out and give them to you as a gift. So when Aerosmith was up there rehearsing, he taped all the fucking rehearse, shit like that. He was just a dynamite kid. He paid you on Friday instead of Saturday and you got your check cashed. He was just one of those guys. And again, that you think about and go, wow, where is he? You know, like that, that's it. That's Liya 26. You're going to make a thousand friends and you're going to lose a thousand friends and you're going to sit there and go, what the fuck happened? And now thank God, Facebook.

Thank God you have Facebook now because now there's a slight connection to these people. If Felicia Michael gets bored one night, she goes, what happened to that open mic or an 88? You could press a name and she'll come up on Facebook or not. And all of a sudden you'll realize they live in some town in Tampa, Florida and she's got three kids or something. That's the power of Facebook. That's what Facebook, you know, 10 years ago was classmates.com. Classmates.com is dead and buried. Fuck you. You know what I'm saying? Fuck you. I don't even remember classmates. Yeah, class. They're still around lurking, trying to get a 20 from you. They'll peek. Remember your first crush in high school? Give us $9.95. We'll see. I gave him like 20 bucks.

Nothing ever happened. Nobody fucking registered for class. Only geeks hang out for glueing. The fucking killers, they don't even know. Karnak Asadorian, the Charlie Gizzy. He's not going to settle at classmates.com. I think it still exists. Yeah, I have like a fuck yeah. Classmates.com. They ain't nobody giving them $9.95. They got Facebook now. Who gives a fuck? What is it? How much is it to join? I mean, look and find out. This is the first time they've even had advertising. I'm giving them free fucking advertising. I forgot all about that. Yeah, they've been lurking on Facebook. You pop up from time to time. Hey, you want to bump into Mildred? You know what? I pay you. I'm on Facebook talking to Mildred's

brother right now. I got to give you $9.95 to join and fucking see pictures in high school. Has there ever been an experience where you've bumped into somebody and you were like, step back and sneak away? Bump into them from what era? Any era? A lot of people show up to shows now. And it's really interesting. It really... I think about them. I think about our interaction. Like when they hit me on Facebook or they surprised me and I go, hold on. Hold on. Great to see you. Let me go take pictures. Well, I'm taking pictures of people. I'm thinking about our history. Like, why is he here? You know? And sometimes I'm really happy to see people. But sometimes I don't know. It's kind of weird.

I don't like how they show up. Especially when I go to Florida. When I go to Florida, they come out of the woodwork. And there's people that are really dynamite that I see that come up, give me a hug. And they're like, we got to go, bro. And I'm like, whew. Yeah. Yeah. But then there's people that want to lurk. There's one guy, Louis Jerez, old school North Bergen. He comes up to the show. He pays for his own ticket. And on the way out, I'll see him out of the corner of mine. And he'll go, yo. And I'll see him. He'll come over, give me a hug. And he'll just disappear. Because he understands the situation and what's going on and stuff. But nine hundred ten times, Felicia. Fuck yeah, I'm happy to see somebody. Fuck yeah. And there's people that I want to see

that haven't popped their head up. That's what really kills me. Like, I did a lot of things with them. You know what I'm saying? It's easy to get a hold of me now. I'm not fucking on all this shit, you know. But anybody from those days, yeah, I like to have a conversation with them. From that rap act around that, we were kind of crazy. I don't talk to stinky anymore. I talked to his brother. I talked to his brother like once a month. We're still tight. And he sends messages. And at the end of the conversation, he always apologizes for his brother not talking to me. And him and I don't talk because he told me as a man, he goes, listen, I'm really proud of you. What you did, man. But I can't talk to you. I mean,

he said it to my face, Felicia. Oh, really? On the phone. Really? Nobody's ever done something like that. But why did he not want to talk to you? This was after, you know why, Felicia. Yeah. Because as much as we loved each other, every time we'd see each other, it was never nothing good. And I came a pussy here from ruining his life. We both could have got arrested for robbing a jewelry store with marble head. And we both would have done 10 fucking years, all three of us. And I think that sometimes he thinks about that and he goes, what the fuck? Every time I was with this fucking dude, I mean, Felicia, every time we had a good time. But he wasn't an innocent. But in some people's mind, Felicia, like my buddy,

a villian told me one time that he actually hooked up with Ferney. And during the conversation, Ferney said, you know what, I'm going to tell you something. My mom's really mad at you. And he goes, what are you talking about? And she goes, my mom's really mad at you because all the parties you had growing up, my mom always thought that the problems I got into was because of you. That's a weird fucking angle to have my life that you used to have a lot of parties. So I became fucked up because of your parties. But I didn't talk to Stinky from 93. And I probably called him in 2001. I was in Jersey and I was driving and I got his number from a friend of mine. I called him up. He answered the phone. We talked for like 15 minutes. And then he said, listen,

my life has changed now. I got a kid. I'm a born again Christian. I don't drink. I don't do this no more. I don't do that no more. I just work. And he had gotten money. He had gotten a stock buyout. Like he started at UPS and they used to pay. So he started UPS and 82 dog. That's the only job he's ever had since high school. He started at UPS in 81. How many years is that late 1916? That's a 35 years. He's been at UPS since he was a senior in high school. So like in 2000, they did a stock buyout. He got like $3 million. He stopped over. Are you serious? Stopped talking to his brother for a few years because of the dough. Stopped talking to a few of his friends. So when I called him, he was still on the

don't even think of me like on that defense. You follow me and I said, um, you know, it's good to talk to you. You know, I always loved him. He goes, I love you too. He goes, but listen, he's the truth. I changed my life. He goes, so I appreciate if you lose my number. And I didn't say fuck off or nothing. I go, you know what? Thank you for the honesty. Thank you for always being there for me when I was a kid. I understand. I didn't shut it here because at least he told me. He said it right out. I was like, you know what, man? And I thought about it. I broke it down. I never did nothing bad to him. In fact, we made dough together, but thinking back, I took him down some dark streets that he could have got out of. Don't

get me wrong. There's no victims in my fuck. There's no victims here. He could have said plenty of times, dog the same for me. And guess what? The type of guy I am, I would have still tasted, gave him a taste because I loved him as a brother. We were together for a long time. We did a lot of shit together. There was a time, you know, foolish. I was telling Lee tonight, I used to buy a thousand black beauties for $40,000. Jesus. No, it doesn't like you. How many friends you have? A thousand because 40, a thousand divided by 40. That's nothing. That's penny is a piece. Not even, not even. So if you bought 10 heads of mask or something, I'd throw in 10 fucking black beauties and you go, oh my God, you're the best. No, what's me fucking 10 cents?

I used to make so much money on those black beauties. He had a girlfriend that used to do and I used to give him a cut just because he'd sell them. Like I give him like 50 bucks a week when he was a sophomore in his world. 50 bucks was he could go to clubs. You know, when he was 16 in those days, you went out at night. I would give him a cut. He would call me up and I'd say, listen, I sold this as we take a cut. Oh yeah. Yeah. I told this guy to buy ups from me just because he was helping me out a little bit. I always took care of him and when we were robbing, whether he held the gun or not, I gave him a taste. You know, my brother's got the car. Was it a bigger taste if he had a gun? The more action you do. You show up with the eyeball,

you get more action. If you show up and go look in that building on the third floor, there's a guy who's got a million dollars up there. What I'm going to do is this, Joey, I'm going to catapult up to the third floor. I got that fucking chain like spider man. I'm going to pull myself up, go in. All I want you to do is get more with a walkie talkie. I expect 300 Gs for a walkie talkie. Why not? Why not? Working it like a professional. How do you work a walkie talkie? You were out here with your dog, you know, with they could see your face that the cops passed by. I'm on the corner watching deep. I got a fucking CB radio on my ear with the cop fucking thing. So if somebody calls and says, we see a

little Jew bold guy going across on a fucking catapult, you understand me? I got the fucking police radio on my fucking ear. That's a CB guy. I give you like a hundred thousand. No, no, no, you got to give me 300 large, a hundred thousand for the job and 200 to keep my mouth shut. Right or wrong, right or wrong. You want me to go tell some, see if you give me a hundred grand, I'm going to go home and think about it and say, he's a greedy motherfucker. What if I tell my friends, we had 900 dollars in his apartment right now, you're going to last 15 fucking minutes. If I put it out there on the police walkie talkie, you'll last 15 minutes. Those gorillas will kick your fucking door and throw you off the balcony. How would you get the word out back then?

Oh my God, just go to the bar and sit there and get a drink and go, oh, he's got 900,000 in his apartment. You believe that? Suddenly there's no one in the bar, but you and people will look at each other and go, what are you talking about? Fucking Liam, me, Rob, that joint, the fucking Jew bastard gave me a hundred fucking grand. He got a million cash, 900,000. That's it. You sure? Yeah. Where's he got the money? Well, we just robbed him 10 minutes ago. He's got to be in his house. You're dead. You're dead. That's what people will do for 900,000 cash. You're dead. Don't march right in there with men. They don't care about cameras. No, kick the door down, put a gun in your mouth, go, where's the money? You'll be negotiating. I'll give you 200,000.

Boom! That's it. It's over. They'll just take the fucking money. You want to just give it to them. Joey put the word up, but you give me 300,000. It's a hundred to keep my mouth shut, not a hundred to forget. Remember that thing we did? What thing? I don't know what you're talking about. That's it. Those are expensive thoughts to forget. Jesus, 700,000 you're gonna clear for fucking being bingo the clown for 10 minutes. Who you kidding? Who you think's out there working the walkie-talkie, like a savage? What if I just cut the fucking rope and call the cops on you? You're my competition. You fall off. I go up there and take the mill. You ever think about that? No, you didn't. So this is why you pay the small 3% and everybody's happy. You go to one island and I never see you again.

It's not the small 3%, it's the small 33%. What was the movie with John Penn? He did with his wife in the late 80s. He was in the Irish mob and he didn't like what he was seeing. So how he got out was he he he staged it with John Turturro. Really good fucking movie. What was that movie? He staged the fake hit and he disappeared to Boston and became a cop. Then the guys were Gary Oldham. And Ed Harris and fucking the blonde and the Robin Wright. State of grace. You know what's in that movie? Burgess Meredith. Oh yeah? Remember they kicked his door down. He's like, I don't know nothing. I'm just eating

fucking beans out of a can. I'm an old man. I don't see nothing. He's in that fucking movie. But that was the plot with John Penn that he had done something. So that was still out there. So when he went back, that's the first thing Ed Harris made him do. He goes a couple years ago, you shot a guy up in the Bronx. You got to go up there and shoot him up because he knows. He gets pinched for something. He's in a comeback. Where else? Oh, I was watching something else. But yeah, I was watching something with it. Anyway, who gives a fuck? Did you ever see Sicario? Yes, I did. That was a fucking awesome movie. She was very good. She was great in it. She was very good. Venicio was amazing in it. And the other guy was good. I always liked him.

He's really good. He used to be married to that chick, hot looking guy, older now, with the flip-flops on throughout the movie. Rollin, James Rollin. He was the American gangster. He was fucking good, though. Lee, what's going on with you? Speaking of the movies, I went to the drive-in this weekend. It was so much fun. What was the name of the place? Yeah, I went to the one you were talking about. It's like the Vineland Pacific Theater or something. It's actually cool. Pacific Theater seems to have a bunch of small theaters, but it couldn't have been more fun. It's like an hour away in a crappy neighborhood or something, like City of Industry. It's right by the train tracks, which is like the one down side,

but it was cool. It built kind of like a ski slalom, so you could park the car, tilt it up, and we had a clear shot of the screen. We had two movies. We had snacks, we had all the food, and we didn't leave the car once. It was great. You had your own car. No one was talking. You could be on your phone if you wanted to. If Paul wants to talk during the movie, she can talk, and they won't ruin the theaters. It was pretty amazing. When I was growing up, my dad owned a drive-in movie theater in Stockton, California, and it had the biggest screen in Northern California, and he lived on it. This is so white trash. He lived on a trailer at the back of the lot, and he had a picture window in his trailer, and so you'd be eating dinner, and you would see

like Orca crashing into the pier, and our job growing up, mostly my brother's job, was to go and pick up all the garbage, and sometimes you'd find a lot of money, but mostly shitty diapers. I was like the worst job ever. It was so terrible. You went for the drive-in. The funny thing is every time you do a gig, you've seen that drive-in theater. Somebody brought it to my attention. Somebody went down a date like 10 years ago, and she told me, she goes, I went down a date on a theater. It was great. What's the name of the place? It's on the five, and it's close to here. It's fucking 20 minutes if you know, or it turns into one hour because there's traffic. No, it's a while away. It wasn't really even on the five. We took the 10

a little bit down. We took like the 210 to the 10 sort of way, but it was great. The only, just you have to go and go see a movie that's probably not like super serious because the sound isn't great. I had to play with my stereo to get it perfect, but it was nine bucks each. It was amazing. It could have been more fun. My first experience at a movie was when I was really little, my parents went to a drive-in theater and it was to go see the yellow submarine, the Beatles yellow submarine. And I have this memory of being like two years old, standing up in the back seat and watching the movie and going, what the fuck is going on? Such a crazy movie. Like I couldn't understand. It's like, I should understand this as a cartoon.

I saw that movie as a child. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I didn't get movies. I went to see Herbie the Lovebug and then I got a little enthused about it. Then I saw like the strongest man in the world, whatever. There was James Michael Vincent. It was a Disney movie. And then after that, I just dove into it. I went to see a James Bond movie and then I went back to the kid movies. Like all that shit was bullshit, Snoopy. Once I saw Her Majesty's Secret Service, I lost it. And then my godfather took me to see like either Death Wish or Stone Killer. And I really lost it. Like that was it. I wasn't going back to Disney bullshit. Then I just got worse and worse. Like I went to see The Exorcist in the movie theater.

That makes it 10 years fucking old. That's not good. That's not bueno. But in those days, they didn't give a fuck. They didn't care. There was no PTSD. You should have PTSD after watching The Exorcist. Under the years. There was another movie that had come out about two years after The Exorcist. Maybe about a year after The Exorcist. And what they did was they tried to outdo The Exorcist and they gave you a puke bag. And it was like the Satan's tongue or something. Something. Oh really? And they ripped out. That was it. They ripped out somebody's tongue in the movie or something. But then Midnight Express did it. And it was fine then by that time. They don't even edit that on ABC. Well, they don't show on ABC. But I remember when Midnight Express was on ABC and

they didn't edit that part. You know what was on tonight, Lee? You never discussed it with me. You never told me what you thought. I am not big on superhero movies. Okay. I have never been big on superhero movies. But it was on tonight. And I had peace and I watched it for an hour. And I gotta tell you something. I cried. That's why I love The Crow so much. Oh, okay. That is why The Crow. Listen, I'm a sucker for a romantic movie. But not the good looking dude with Sandra Bullock. That's not a romantic movie to me at all. Rocky Balboa in the first Rocky, that's as romantic as it gets. He fell in love with a woman, changed her fuck. Every time I see that movie, it changes me more. The other night I was watching it before he goes to the arena

and the shorts and it doesn't really matter. And he goes back and he's breaking down and she puts them together. They did that on one take. That retard that walks around that people make fun of this shit. And I watched Creed on the plane. It wasn't an Academy Award winner. The Crow. The fucking black kid wasn't bad in Creed. Oh, no, no, no. He was really good. That's a fucking good actor. That's a good looking dude, dawg. That one's gonna cause some damage. That's gonna be a really good guy. He shouldn't have wanted to ask us so black people shouldn't be pissed about that. Rocky. You know why he didn't win? Because to people like that, he's a joke. But in my world, he's a hundred billion dollar joke because he's laughing all

the way to the fucking bank with that goddamn movie. I saw that. I saw Creed. I had a great time. He fucking wrote Rocky. Like Rocky's not a script. There's so many little intricacies in Rocky that you look and go, that Momo wrote this like he felt this during the, like he explained this to the director. Like this is what I really feel in this scene. Let's do it. Just for him doing that, I've always given him the respect that man fucking deserves. She got an Oscar. I don't know. I don't know. They got me in all fucking confused relations. But yeah, the quote was, it was interesting. It was very... You didn't like it. No, no, no, no. Tell me what you really fucking thought. I don't want you to... It's not a great movie. I thought it was interesting

because it's like a very 90s movie. Just like with the tones and like the lighting and the, especially like the synthesizer music in it. But it was... I like it. I think I like it because like when you're in love, you see stuff and like that when movies and stuff. It was a good movie, but it wasn't, it never really took me anywhere. It was just, it was fun watching. I was never really scared or I didn't really know what to feel. It was just... My world, how good was the pussy that you came back from the dead to avenger? I thought the little girl was really good. He fucking loved that woman with all his heart and just to think that a man could love a woman that much. How sad he was. He came back to avenger

and he fucking killed everybody. He scared the kid, the kid's mom when he took the heroin out of fucking arms. When he kills that dude, Luther from 48 hours and all that shit. James Patrick, I did that movie with him the longest show. I dynamite guy. I loved that because the guy kept saying, there ain't no coming back. There ain't no coming back. There ain't no coming back. And he taped him up. He put a grenade in his fucking pocket. No, that's tremendous scene. He loved that woman that fucking much. He took the other guy, put him in a fucking tub and chopped him up. Tremendous. Nobody does this type of shit no more. You know what I'm saying? Like, he really got to love it. He dug himself out of the grave. He had the makeup, the music. He had good actors

in the movie. There was some fucked up dark shit in the movie. And then to top it all off, he gets killed. He gets shot during that movie. Yeah. With a fucking gun from the set. Now one charge was ever fucking. Oh, he was? Oh, really? Nobody ever got charged. Nobody ever went to jail for that. I think, I think man, the movie he got charged. So what happened? He got shot while he was shooting that movie. That's what, that's what you didn't know. I'm trying to fucking... Was it because it was a fake ground? A fake gun. But just weirdly... It had a ground in it. And it had like a thing that had metal. So it went off like a bullet, I guess. I don't remember the whole story. But nobody, nobody ever got like, this guy died mysteriously. Got shot during that fucking movie. So did someone

else finish the role? They used his face. You don't even see it. It was like three or four, five scenes or something like that. It was just the weirdest fucking thing. You know, so 20, 30 years earlier, this happened with his father. It was an accidental death. He went to some woman's house, took aspirins, he passed out and he fucking went into a coma and died. And now this kid dies on the set of this fucking movie. It was just, you know, and it wasn't a bad movie. You know, I watch it and I get amused. I've seen worse shit. It's not, you know, it's not... No, and I really like the little girl. The little girl was very funny. But do you have you seen a police show? I saw it a long time ago, but I was just thinking about, you know, don't you love when you get tricked into

a movie and you think, oh, it's going to be the biggest piece of shit. And it kind of is. But then you identify with it. And for me, and I'm excited to tell you that part two is coming out. Did you ever see the movie John Wick with Keanu Reeves? I fucking love that movie. I really love that movie. Did you like that movie? I loved him in that movie. Yeah. I'm a Keanu Reeves freak. Me too, dude. And you can go to Dukes any morning and there he is eating breakfast. Right on Sunset next to Whiskey a go-go. I used to go there eat breakfast. You're coming every morning, sit at the counter. You eat your breakfast, go next door, get some weed at the weed store. That weed store, it's still fucking there. On Sunset across from the penthouse store where the penthouse store used to be. That

Dukes. Yeah. He's been there every morning, eating breakfast with a beard, long hair. You don't even know he's having less you look at. I've always been a fan of that dude. That movie puts me over the top. Yeah. The shit he did in that movie. Yeah. Now in the second movie, they just shot it and Hegan Machado, who was on the podcast, was in that movie, plays the cab driver because he did all the fucking fight scenes for the movie helped John Wick. The people who did that movie have a studio in Culver City and all they do is stunt men who do all that shit all day. They do all the stunts for movies. They go out with the big movies. Like these guys don't fuck around. Did you also see that movie where he was in where they he plays death or he until the Swinton is in it and she

plays like the angel Michael or they made a show, a TV show from it. Oh, I hate that. I can't think of the name, but I like that movie too. The devil's advocate is badass. The one with the fucking the bank robber with the dude who died from cancer. God rest his soul was tremendously dangerous to the remake. What's the only thing about the bank robbers that would dress up like fucking the president? Oh, Patrick Swayze. Yes. Point rate for that was an amazing movie. I love fucking John Wick and whatever the fuck his name is. Keanu Reeves. Listen, man, I'm really happy you fucking stopped. No, thanks for having me come by, Joey. I always loved you. I was never really mad at you. I always loved you. I always thought we would talk and we just take

time. We didn't. Everything worked out. I still love it. He's still the fucking prettiest thing I have. Well, thank you for saying that. No, I'm so glad that we made up. And by the way, you and your friend are going to make up maybe sometimes in friendship, you just take a break, you know, because things are going down for different people. Yeah, and if it doesn't, it doesn't. But it just, you know, it was nice to hear that things could, could change. But just just go back for one second about the crow. No, because like Joey had me watch it. And I was when I was watching it, I was thinking, how could Joey like this? No, no, no. I was thinking of like why Joey likes it. And it was like, what were you thinking about your mother? Or like,

I was just trying to think of like his pain. I liked it for two reasons. I liked it one, that at that time, I think that movie came out in 93. 94. And I was very upset about divorce. I was very, very upset with myself. And I was very upset with myself in the sense that I didn't try to save the marriage that where I came from, you always try to save the marriage. You put everything on hold. Where I came from, the school of thought I came from early on, the drugs and life and media and everything else corrupted it. And at that time, I was going through a thing that I was beating myself up because the reason why that happened was because I didn't really love

you. Follow me. And I was a fucking, I was beating myself up in the sense that you know, how can you not love somebody? So when I went to see that movie, it made me feel bad because here I am 31 years old. I never loved the woman. Like he loved that fucking woman. Like to come back out of a fucking grave to kill somebody. Just even if it's bullshit. Right. Right. But you identify with something like that. Yes. Just that thought that you can love somebody that much to that you can't, your soul cannot fucking rest. You come out and hang those four motherfuckers. Just that thought. And then it's got my favorite thing, revenge. Somebody who they fucking did

something wrong to, he goes home, he has a roast beef sandwich and he shows up and says, remember me? Cause that's what it's all about. At one time they're having a meeting and it's creepy. He was fucking his sister, the dude with the sword and all that dude. He's a great actor. I just saw him this morning on Miami vice. I swear to God, that same fucking actor from the crow with the weird face. He was fucking the Asian sister. Oh yeah. The black dude was in the office and they're beating up on that mobster dude. That's on all the movies at the porn shop. He's really fucking gay. Great guy. I love that guy. He plays a tough guy in all those movies. That guy, they're beating up on him and that's what they're trying to figure out.

Who this guy is. Go see Eric Draven's grave. And when he goes to see the grave, he sees he's missing and they're fucking wrapped their head about that. But that's the two things. A, that somebody could love somebody that much. I couldn't wrap my head around that and B, the revenge angle that he plotted all of them. He set them all up. He took his time. You're going back to man on fire. He took his time. He saw their weaknesses and he nailed them. He just nailed them one of the fucking time and they couldn't believe it was him. They could not believe it was him. That's what I really, and it all goes back to that Clint Eastwood movie when he disappears and he builds the shield because he knows they're going to shoot at his

heart and he comes out and the guy keeps shooting at his heart and he keeps falling down and getting up. And finally after the third shot, he loses his fucking mind and Clint Eastwood blast him. He sucked them into his world. You follow me? But he took his time slow methodically. I think you should go see Deadpool. That's kind of what the movie's about. I think he really liked it. Right. They throw him an acid and fuck him up and he puts a superhero costume. Not an acid. He has cancer. Why don't you fucking spoil it for everybody? Well, I think that's why I like John Wick so much and I know it's a stupid movie, but I really love the idea that how fucked up and he was this killer and that he met this woman and

his love for her was so strong. He put his whole bullshit past behind him and then she dies and then sends him a puppy from the grave. That's what gets me. And then some asshole kills the puppy. He was more pissed about that fucking puppy, which I related to. That's what got me. By three quarters of the movie, he's killed 18 Russians and you're sitting there going away the thing. At the end of the day, all this is because of a fucking puppy. I get that. My guy fucking get that dude. Like, yeah, you got it. That's it. They killed your fucking puppy. What are you fucking nuts? What are you fucking nuts? The whole Russian mob has to come down. Oh, yeah, yeah. He kills fucking everybody. That fucking puppy and shit. Everybody. Who kills a puppy?

And all this would have done is a puppy with a fucking box of chocolates and I'm sorry. Everything. Listen, I got you a beautiful fucking dog. We saw him with a dog. Beat the fuck out of my son. He's an asshole anyway. You're doing me a favor, but we broke. Give him the dog. Give him the caveat. Give him the vodka. Give him an envelope. We don't need this war. You're too tough for this. You don't need to come out of your time. You don't need to fucking hit this floor with this ledge hammer. Oh, I was just thinking about that. When he hits the floor with this ledge hammer, it's like, oh, it's fucking over for these people. Yeah. Let me read this fucking sponsor and we'll get the fuck out of here. As usual on it. I love you guys. Sent me a package today,

some shroom tech, some tea booster, some alpha brain, the new liquid, the new doses. And we hooked my man Lee up with some protein powder. Lee's going to kettle bells three days a week. He's really committed to this thing. So he's going to do a protein shake after his workout to help him. And we're going to talk to you about the new, uh, my Dolce protein powder. Yeah, it looks really good. It's almond banana. It looks fucking beautiful. I haven't snuck. I didn't want to open up the bag. I don't want you to walk around thinking like Cosby. I didn't open up your bag somewhere. Joey Diaz put his sleeping pill on my protein. So no, I didn't want to go in your protein. Just tell me what you think. You know what I'm saying? You may like it. I like the

the hemp force protein, but anyway, let's cut the basics. Go to honor.com. If you see any supplements you like, just read about them. I can sit here for fucking hours and bore you to death. Why fuck around? Go to honor and press in the code word church. I get 10% off C H U R C H on it.com. Also, I want to welcome a new sponsor. Let me ask you something people. What the fuck do you think we live here? You think we live in Beverly Hills now? We live in a suburb, close to a place called North Hollywood. If you drive around North Hollywood, all you see are massage parlors, mattress stores, weed stores, and tattoo stores. And I'm talking the emphasis on mattress stores. Have you done shopping for a mattress in North

Hollywood here? I just bought a mattress in North Hollywood. And what's the pain in the ass? It was a complete pain in the ass. What'd you drop? It was about $500. That's not fucking bad. And is the mattress comfortable? Is it yours for the boys? I don't give a shit. It was for the boys. Okay. So fuck it. But for one of the boys, it cost you a nickel a roof for a single bed or a double. It was a full size bed. A full size bed for the skinny one. What's in there? A full size bed. We got to put them in a little skinny fucking bed. He wanted a full size bed. Marine style, you know what I'm saying? Like a TP and then shit. I'm trying to buy my daughter a fucking TP. You should. Kids love tents. I bought my kids a TP. They loved it. I've been telling my

wife, we got to go down to the tent. I sent her on a simple mission. She came back with a thousand stories about this was too big. This was too small. Terry, just buy the fucking tent. How difficult is it to buy a tent? Well, how do you know? Because what Diaz is, we love being in holes. We're like Vietnamese people on the other side. We love being hidden. When you go in the baby's room at night, there's blankets and teddy bears. Does teddy bear Steve Simone gave her? She puts it on top of her head, you know. Oh, really? Yeah. She's like a Diaz. She covers herself up. You don't know how lucky I am. I have the sleep apnea machine. You come into my room, all you see is a hose. Come off of under the mattress. I'm like, I look like an armadillo. You can sleep under the

mattress? Under the blankets. Oh, no, that's too much. The air goes down to zero and I put the blankets over my fucking head and I go to nappy noonoo time and all you see is a hole. You know how long I've been doing that? When I was a kid, I used to make like a little tunnel around my mouth and shit and just like that. I love all that shit. But I can't breathe when I'm under the blankets and you have trouble when you can't breathe. That's perfect. That's what knocks you out. Eventually you pass. It's like half suicide. You know what I'm saying? It's like sitting in the garage without the hose. You just sit there with the fumes and you open up a window. You don't die. You just sit there and get dizzy. Are you okay? I'm dizzy.

Anyway, the point being, you're unique. You don't walk like everybody else. You don't talk like everyone and you don't sleep like everyone. So why is your mattress's one size fits all? Now you people think like we fuck around here on the church. I got a guy who calls me up and he sends me every week. Felicia, they got people sponsoring shit now that you can't believe. And they send it to me and I look at half this stuff and I go, I can't talk about this shit. I can't even mention them. They're so ridiculous. You know, and I try to run them by Lee and we giggle. Sometimes I send them to my attorney. He just says no. But sometimes I go, you know what? I went to buy a fucking mattress and it was a pain in the ass. It really fucking is a pain in the ass. Except for that one place

across from Bank of America on Lancashire, they don't fuck around. That dude, he delivers the next day. You don't fuck around. But again, you got to go in and you don't even finagle him. You just tell him what you want to pay for and he'll point you to the mattress, give him three days, he'll pick it up. You know what I'm talking about? Right across. He wasn't back. If you go to that place in North Hollywood, then it's a fucking piece of shit. Then you get robbed up there. They hide behind the curtains. You go in there. Sometimes they're not there. Anyway, I'm not here to talk shit about anybody. But when I read about the Helix mattress, I fucking died. I was like, this sounds perfect because I'm married. I know what it's like. I like my bed one way and Terry likes

it. The others are somewhere along the line. We came to terms, but my side's getting a little swap. So I tried to flip it and she caught me. She was doing laundry and I flipped that motherfucker, but she knew something, a peace stain, something. But anyway, you're unique. You don't walk like everybody. You don't talk like everybody. You don't sleep like everybody. So why is your mattress one size fits all? Because a custom mattress will cost you five to 10,000 bucks until now. Introducing the Helix sleep where you could buy your mattress online, customize for you for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands. You go to helixsleep.com. You answer a few simple questions based on four key preferences and the result will be a custom sleep profile used to

build you at the most comfortable mattress you'll ever, ever sleep on. Your mattress will arrive at your door in about a week and shipping is 100% free on the arm. And for couples, Helix customizes each side of the mattress. So a parlor sleep solver, they can put a better nails on that side, you understand me? And you can sleep on a fucking nice side. They can do whatever you want. No, I'm just kidding. No, no, that's me because we're going to be moving in again. So we're going to need a new mattress. That's right. So here you go. Helix customers report a 30% improvement in overall sleep quality. You have 100 nights to try it out. And if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free and give you 100% refunds. No questions asked. That's why everyone from GQ to Forbes

all talking about the Helix sleep. Do me a favor. Go to helixsleep.com slash Joey. You get 50% off your order. $50. I'm sorry. $50 off your order. That's helixsleep.com slash Joey. Helixsleep.com slash Joey. And you get $50 off your order. Again, it's a fucking pain he has. This is the future, people. Nobody's going to leave the house for dick if they're any fucking out of smart or brain to head. Hey, look at last year. Sales are down over the holidays. Amazon's controlled. This is it. You're going to be able to fucking buy anything online from now on. Free fucking shipping. You don't have to worry about delivery. They're going to show from 10 to 2. Then the truck broke down and fucking Lahombra. And you got to wait there all fucking day. Why is my mattress in fucking Lahombra?

I bought it in North Hollywood, con sucker. Anyway, these days are over. Do me a favor. Go to helixsleep.com right now slash Joey and get $50 off your order. All right. That's helixsleep.com slash Joey. That's right. Right now helixsleep.com slash Joey. $50 and you're going to sleep like a fucking angel every night. All right. I want to thank on it. I want to thank our new sponsor, Helixsleep. I want to thank Felicia. Stop them by. Do not forget you're there. What nights? Break it down. I'm there tomorrow, uh, till Sunday. Yes. That's a long fucking week. It was nice today talking about Trump and how the FBI could hold them, say I had to drop knowledge on you, motherfucker. You guys don't know how they do it. It's not called black man only. It's letting you

know and know what you did, cocksucker. It's like I'm saying to nobody. But I better get my funding. I want to get my 300,000. You want your 30%. 30%. That ain't nothing with you. 100,000. You got problems. See what I'm saying? I'm going to see you. I don't know how much a walking talking is worth. That seems like a little steep, but okay. A walkie talkie. Let's say you put Paul out there. Right. She'll save you some money, but that's the pay in the ass. Now she's going to want 600,000. How did she get six now? Because she's Paula. She's got the power that you ain't got. A muffler and a monkey and you can rub it on your face. You understand me? So you'll take the short 40% for the walkie talkie. But if you get busted, she'll roll over on you. You follow me saying to

you because she's not going to take the fall for you out there. She doesn't know about police scanners and shit like that. Like I know when I'll find out, I'll have every fucking police scanner from North Hollywood to studio city to fucking Hollywood. Why? I'll be out there with the scanner working. I make believe I'm listening to an iPod doing jumping jack, but I'm paying attention. I got the walkie talkie. Like you're like fucking whatever you're doing fine. You're doing fine. There's a lady walking down here with a dog. You're doing fine. And you're like, I got in anything, nothing. You got 38 seconds. I'm downstairs. Count it down for you. Got 37 seconds, 36. Where is he? He's in the apartment laying down with a broad.

Shoot them both. Just shoot them both. The money's right down to the mattress, but boom, boom, boom, boom. You shoot them, you come back out. The alarm gets triggered. You get back on the light James Bond. Right here to the roof. I am buckling you. We like the fucking thing on fire. What, what, what thing is on fire now? The rope. Okay. God knows what they blame it on. You know what I'm saying? I can see your money. I got the car parked. I got a stolen car already parked. Yes. We're going to go three or four blocks. We're going to go by the 7-Eleven where the lady got stabbed. We're going to park it right there. And we're going to walk two or three blocks and we're going to fuck and that's it. We're going to split up the money. We're going to shake hands.

I've never seen Lee this high before. This is what we do. What happens to a poor lady? What are you going to do? You got a 7-Eleven. Somebody's going to lose their mind someday. Some day some dude goes in there one in the morning. They got no fucking Reese's pieces. Isn't that the only thing that's ISIS? I know they're ISIS. That's why there was a stabbing in there. I've known they're ISIS for years. I just don't tell them, but I'm not a rat. I'm not a punk bitch. You know what I'm saying? Felicia Michaels, Reno. I'll be at the Brea Improv all weekend, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Tickets are still available. I love you, motherfuckers. See you Wednesday night. Have a great day. Stay black. Hit it, Lee.

This show, The Church of What's Having Now, is brought to you by Helix Sleep. That's Helix Sleep, H-D-L-I-X Sleep. Go to helixsleep.com slash joey right now and get $50 off your order. That's helixsleep.com slash joey, helixsleep.com slash joey off of their personalized mattresses that are made just for you. When you answer a quick questionnaire, that's helixsleep.com slash joey to get $50 off your order. And go to onnet.com slash church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like Apple Brain and New Mood, Shroom Tech Commune, and Shroom Tech Sport. And I'll be sure to let you know how I like their new Mike Dolce wave protein powder. And that's onnet.com using codeword church.

You blow my mind. I feel alive. You blow my mind. I'm satisfied. I'm so excited, so much fun. Girl, you want me out? Exciting, I'm so excited. Let me wash up baby. Gee, I feel so lucky, babe. To have you all around. I've been loved the way you love me, babe. If I was.

You blow my mind, baby. I'm so alive with you. You blow my mind, baby. You blow my mind, baby. You blow my mind, baby. I'm so alive with you. You blow my mind, baby. You blow my mind. Girl, you want me out? Exciting, I'm so excited. Let me wash up baby. Girl, you want me out? Exciting, I'm so alive with you. Girl, you want me out? Exciting, I'm so alive with you.

Girl, you want me out? Exciting, baby. Girl, you know you know you know you love me. I've got strength, strength Strengths can be, baby Burying, breaking down, you're going to love me now I'm in love the way you love me now So much to me I'll save it

So much to me Girl, you got me out Girl, you know you know you know you got me out Get excited Girl, you know you know you know you got me out Give me all the shots You blew my mind, baby So I am so alive with this

You blew my mind, baby So I am so alive with this You blew my mind I am so alive with this You blew my mind So I am so alive with this Girl, you got me out Girl, you got me out

Get excited Give me all the shots I'll save it Girl, you got me out Girl, you got me out, baby Get excited Give me all the shots I'll save it

Girl, you got me out Girl, you got me out Girl, you got me out