Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #368 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 5, 2016

  Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines.   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first two meals free!   
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 04/04/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by blue apron blue apron since gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients need to make them Right to your door our listeners get their first two meals for free. That's right free Just go to blue apron comm slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with blue apron That's blue apron comm slash Joey This show is also brought to you by texture Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture comm slash Joey When you do that, you'll gain immediate entry to all the top magazines including back issues and bonus video content That's right. Just go to texture comm slash Joey right now to get a free trial of the app texture and

The show is brought to you by me on these comm Go to me on these comm slash Joey and get 20% off of your first order of their great Underwear socks t-shirts all of their great products Shipping is always free in the US and Canada and you can save $8 a pair with me on these subscription plans That's me on these comm slash Joey Oh shit You bad motherfuckers Monday

April 4th Little something for the Jews get up and dance cocksucker is all about you Oh shit out of respect Listen to that fucking river right there again with black people with black people Listen to that Are you fucking nuts or what? If you Jewish get up cocksucker Salute that fucker flag you're in the office

Fuck them all let him know Fucking around today You're taking names Making things straight with the fucking Nazis Let's do this shit inside. Here you go. What do you want? Do What's the story there beautiful motherfuckers Monday April 4th and here you are another fun-filled episode of Little church. Oh, what's happening now? Oh with my main man

Lee's motherfucking sad. How are you my friend? I'm great. Oh that I love that hash It's it's it's a little harsh going down, but it's just nice You hear a little buzz in your ears like your mom smacked you Here we get smacked by your mom your earrings like 22 fucking minutes after like this miserable fuck My mom didn't do it that much So I still have vivid memories of like it used to slow down for me like time used to slow down a couple of times she got mad Like I got but child her this weekend the last time my but daughter was when I was high with you and I just

It was before a podcast and she got pissed. So I was just I was even now. I'm about to be 28 I'm still scared of my mom a little bit You should be it's not like scared, but you respect her judgment, and you know, whatever mom's got your back and shit like that so You should be a little fucking scared of moms. You follow me cocksucker. What else you like to hash like the hash Smoother you worked out this week. I spent the weekend with mama Yeah, the brand with me Thursday night prey was fun. There was a lot of fucking fun man this weekend, you know I'm starting to love doing comedy again

You go in your ups and downs like anything else in life you just go through ups and downs You do something so much You take it for granted, you know, and you don't realize how lucky we have it I'm allowed to write jokes and go up on stage and fuck around with your people and smoke pot and take pictures after Whatever it was rough going out and seeing people this weekend only people knew Way that and came around the back. I got a lot of tweets from people were pissed off But you're right there. No, that's the kind of club that you're right there I don't want to take pictures of people on the street cars are going by that's how people get by fucking cars

Somebody got hit that right years ago years ago somebody got hit out there one night people taking pictures and shit So I'm always scared to go on that brayer fucking boulevard, whatever it's called But besides that it was great some great people came out dropped off some alms. You got a little suave sito Shaving cream. I'm excited to shave a little something from them. They got me hand products, but you obviously Go fucking hairless. Not that I'm making fun of you. No, you just shows to shave your head So some people came down with some great weed, you know, it's just It's it's really nice to be a part of something nice for once. I was always a part of shitty things and it's always really nice like

You know, somebody was saying the other they had PTSD and I giggled And it's like when I leave the house, I always expect the worst shit to happen. So I'm not disappointed So when something really nice happens like those three nights even in the green room even Jack Junean Johnny rock Johnny rock and Tommy Easter came down Thursday and fucking blew it up for you Tommy Easter fans Oh, my god, don't come me for a fucking year. I'm really proud of him because he lives in his van and I'm I Like the kid I like the kid a lot and I'm trying to teach himself from a different angle

Because and he's seeing it. He's seen that everybody down there that he's doing these little open mics with is coming from a weird angle the first thing when you choose any Any career is to choose the right attitude going into it. It makes it a lot easier This is from a fucking old beat-up guy. I had so many jobs and so many great opportunities, but I went into a bad opportunity I went in there with bad attitudes No, no, I was not negative about the opportunities. I was weak-minded about the opportunities I never gave him a chance to blossom Before you give up on an opportunity give it a chance to blossom either in your direction or the other direction

So, you know exactly where you stand before you really Give up on it. You know, some of you offers you a job loading trucks It's 12 to 9 at night Your girlfriend's miserable because she doesn't get to see you get it. It's always little things like that that you have to make a decision, you know, you know So sometimes I get late The word isn't lazy. I get a complacent complacent That's why when I first left the store in 2007, I was very happy

Because it gave me a new chapter of comedy and it really did it gave me a chapter of comedy without the store Seven years is a complete different chapter of comedy And I bummed around and I started going to the haha and I developed this little act late night because she worked me She let me work late and next, you know, Gabriel told me to do that show and I was doing Wednesdays in Brea So there's always something going on you know, and I Don't know you do get complacent about anything. I get people. I know people drive I don't you know, like my friend Timmy was driving for one. He wanted to do something different, you know, if you don't get come I

Don't ever want anybody to give up on your dream but After a while you have to take your dream and do different avenues with it It's still that same dream, but you're doing different avenues with it at the same time I don't want you to give up like I never gave up. I Never gave up. I'm not gonna lie. Nobody mentally. I never gave up sometimes on the out of core in 2009 I didn't know what direction I was taking this before podcasts and I never really gave up I just readjusted everything

It's amazing that there's not more you always hear life coach or something like that job mentor or whatever it is Amazing there's not more of it because that's the entire reason why I Am paying a lot more than I need to right now to go to this kettlebell class You told me like buy some kettlebells and and just do them at your house The reason why I can't do that is because I'll get complacent in my workout. I won't do that extra set So it's amazing knowing the situation before you go into it Lee. Mm-hmm That's all I want people to know You know why cuz I wanted to so many situations that I know dick about

And I had to learn the hard way how many times do I fucking get in your face about getting into situations that you know nothing about We want to get into that situation for And it does we all do this natural curiosity To uh You know this going in and I'm so proud of you for that you can go to kettlebells on Tuesdays Hey, man, I do those kettlebell things. I swear to my mother's grave. I put a timer on Lee And I count them out because I know I'm only cheating myself, but a lot of people don't know that a lot of people I don't know that you know, we were kids in gym class and we do push-ups and we do 14 instead of 20

And we look when the coach turned away. We only cheat. I was the king of that. I was the king king of that Oh my god, I would never I would never do any like hard work. No, why would why would we? I'm not even putting a blame on you. Why would we? If they're not looking, why am I doing this? This is what character is all about But then when I would when I would say that my mom especially would be like the coach is always like like the coach Even if they're not looking they're like if they're a good coach, they're looking and they'll see that they know Nobody when you start off at work. Your boss knows that you're on at an early age

You're starting those bad habits, which we all do. You don't think I did it. You don't think I did nine sprints until 13 You don't think I just sat there and touched the line when he turned around. I'm fucking lying to you. Yes I fucking did it. Of course. Yeah, but then and you keep doing it. It's how long you keep doing it Lee You could do it till you're 50 like I almost did But one day you could stop when you're 26 like you actually did I've done it was I appreciate the compliment. I've done it with some things And it's like you can't do them or whatever thing but eventually the percent no the percentage gets higher Okay, that's all you have to keep working for as you get older the percentage get high

For nine months. I walked around the bad move because of that fucking book Thank god, Gordon came into my life and eased it out And I got to think about what I really wanted to write and I read a bunch of stuff and I said this I don't like There's books. I read 10 pages and I just throw away like I know when the 10 pages like it's not gonna get better It's because I don't like the style of writing There's so many things and then I started doing it and that was the frustration Once I started doing one two three four five six sentences a day and outline my life changed Because I'm working towards a goal

And I never understood that at a young age boy. Did it fucking kill me late boy to destroy me But then again, I wouldn't be here with you These are the things you learn along your life That I wish most people who listen to this, you know, there's a lot of people that your father yells at you And says you're gonna be a bum and your mom says shitty and you don't listen to them And then a fucking loser would have found me like me comes along and you listen to me And I hope you listen to this that You know go for it and if you don't like it move on but if it's your fucking dream stick it out

That's why I really can't tell nobody like even with comedy I see guys doing it for 10 20 years and they're not moving ahead And it breaks my heart to go up and say something. There's a guy started comedy with And we did something once in 95 together like a big show And it was a little comedian. Well, guess what he just did two months ago He did the same big show with that same comedian. He still lives where we started And every time I talk to him there's always an excuse, but you know what man when I talk to him, he's happy So who the fuck am I to decide what a person's career? That's what we do like when we're 40 and 35

We think about these friends that we have these so-called friends and how we should tell them and whatever I have a hard time with that. I can never Getting somebody's face about their fucking dream. I'll get your face about being lazy Oh, what a new york minute. I get your face about being late. You know why? Because 20 people got in my face about being lazy and guess what I did. I never raised my hand on one of those people I called them a cunt. I walked away fucking pissed But after 10 minutes This motherfucking looking at it and that's it's tough telling other people what to do. I haven't reached that point yet

No, you can't tell somebody what you do, but you could tell them Enlighten it for them A lot of people don't fucking know a lot of people really think that you're supposed to get up And drink coffee and sit there for now and smoke fucking cigarettes because they see some jerk off on tv doing it They don't know that you're supposed to fucking get up Take a fucking shower Brush your fucking teeth, you know Smoke a cigarette or two drink some coffee and get up and go. It's early. It ain't the morning. You're sitting there, you know

There's got to be somewhere you able to go. I used to have a from george george when we were kids I couldn't be around george in the morning Couldn't be around them in the morning. What do you do in the morning depress me? Like what do you depress me? The typical kid that The world has to wait for and again that was me with a mom Right, that was me with a mom That was me. That's a kid with a safety net

You know, he would get up at 7 30 and stay in bed till late 30 smoking cigarettes I never saw that in my life He would sit in bed for an hour and listen to how would stern You know, how would stern is great when you put a dime in your fucking pocket and you ain't getting nothing from it That's and you're 20 something a lot of people That's honestly why I like this 9 a.m. Class because I would sit in on the phone I met you how many times have I been tormenting you about get out? Listen the entire time I'm gonna tell you what the biggest secret in life is get out of the fucking house

Get out of the house Get out of the house Nobody ever repeats my jokes Lee Nobody ever repeats the stupid shit. I said, but you know how many times people come up to me and whisper in my ear amen Thank you for getting me out of the house. Nothing good happens on the couch unless you find change Satisfy with the 35 cents under your God Nothing, I don't care if you go to the corner put a newspaper on your And they believe you're looking for a job at 9. I'm just do me that favor for the first week

Just get out of the house at night Even if you just go to the corner hit the mailbox and walk back and go right back to sleep You took a shower you ate you made some notes you wrote down your goals and you got up in your walk I don't give you home by 10 15. I don't give a fuck of your home by 9 15 As long as you leave the house because after a while leaving the house catches on it becomes contagious And you realize let me go for a walk. Let me go for a longer walk Let me go for look at this a pizza parlor with help wanted sign and here I am walking around looking for ads Let me just start with a help wanted pizza job

You accomplish something and you accomplish something and When I get up now like I had a dream this morning that you call me at 6 30 I was sure when you call me like seven that you would call me. Oh, you didn't call me any But tell him what I said to you. I that's I couldn't remember. That's why that's that's the one thing We call me it's something about fucking Jews are telling you to wake up. Oh, yeah That's why I thought it was a dream. I do that. I do that to my three of my friends this morning

They called back. What did would you do nothing? Don't worry about none That's why like sometimes when you call me at like six in the morning I'll have to like like I'll I'll pay attention to the call But then as soon as you get off the phone like I have no idea what he said Everybody does I always say you're sleeping. You go No, no, I was just here thinking right Doing emails. I know when somebody's asleep I've woken up 10 million people in my life on purpose. Do you understand me purpose because I got to get them up

You got to get up cuckuckum You got to get up But I now I'm up It's late for me on the weekends to sleep till nine that's late There's no reason and you got to get her up and you gotta have a custom people around you to get up and they'll get up And they'll see it your way Because I never saw it if I got one thing out of denora if I got one thing out of my mother He was getting up early to say hello to the son that stupid saying has stayed in my head

since I was four She used to throw me out She used to say oh, but I check but body That means get to the fucking backyard. We had no backyard Which meant you had to go and walk around Get the fuck out of the house When I'd be in the bar playing those stupid pinball games, she'd walk over and take the quarters off and go That's it enough go out

Go walk go get hit by a fucking car do something, but you can't stay here all afternoon in this darkness dip when you First it's it's different because your mom passed away, but when you were away from that Did you ever like to stay home like my mom was like that and I rebelled later and I understood where she was coming Oh, I didn't once it got down and dirty in my life Is when I found out how important that those things are when they got down and dirty You know how many comics I call here and I'm not doing nothing I want you to take a fucking piece of paper the pencil and write down monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday

And you pick out the open mics pick up two three four pick out how many numbers there are and which ones are more important ones And you'll know which ones are time consuming which one you could zip in and out of I just want you to get off the couch every night and do a spot If you're a plumber, I want you to get up every night and do a kitchen if you're a painter go paint the room All these things add up You know, I used to at night when I quit high school loser loser. Joe Diaz thief burglary piece of shit I still went to count class twice a week from seven to ten at night

Took something inch of the plumbing. I took a tita barrow fucking international institute Me and Tommy Russo. It's uh, whatever. It's like I bring people to take class with you like a vocation school. I talked you into it I talked people into it. He took welding. I took plumbing We quit after six weeks, but we still went, you know Do you understand if it's available to you? Yeah take it I just got something in the mail a month ago from, uh, you know, I signed up over here For kids thing at this park north hollywood park. Oh, like a camp walk behind there. They have a bunch of things and I got something for vocation

People are this age with this type of income You get a free vocation talk to you. So what you gotta go apply for a job or so what you gotta sweep Somebody's trying to teach you something. Go learn it If you're under the fucking income limit go learn it I don't I just read this thing and I know it's not that new but starbucks has this thing where they're giving I think all employees tuition reimbursement to like Arizona state online Which isn't harvard, but free tuition to get a degree

When you're in like we're just working at starbucks. How amazing is that? You imagine you work 30 40 hours whatever the regulating whatever the rules are you have to work And then take classes online They can't hand it to you any easy They can't hand it to you any easy, but then again, I gotta see what what the what the guidelines are for starbucks Let me look at I think it was pretty lax like when I saw it was like now accepting even part-time employees. Let me look it just but that's There was a big story about how

a lot of people say oh Like I had a lot harder when I was younger college was easier and and and People younger like 20 year olds are getting shit for that And what they said is like something like 70 or 80 percent of kids in college now have either part-time or full-time jobs Yeah, when they just and it was something like 30 percent back in the 70s or 80s It's just it's crazy what people need to do to get to college parents having a lifetime just send their kids to school The kids gotta help out a little bit If your tuition is 20 fucking g's a year

Well, you gotta help out a little bit and that's low. Okay, honestly, that's low Let's pretend you got a job and you pay five grand out of ten A year I could I could live with that I could live with that and you should be able to live with that. Oh, yeah, you're not taking complete school loans I was very lucky. My parents were they got split up. So the deal that we made is we each pay a third So I got I got there's a lot of kids who are stuck with the whole thing So I got very lucky in that respect and you get stuck with these things And what job to come out to look at you came out and you had a couple of different options

Right now you're creating a position Which I talk about a lot Creating a position is always what advances the future And this shit It's always one started with one guy making a fucking iphone. Yeah part-time, you know, like just it Those when you were a kid if you ever write down how many different things you did You know, you probably went to ballet. You played p.m. Football. You played baseball. You joined aikido. You didn't like aikido Because your friend nick went to karate. So you went to karate

From there you wanted to play the guitar, but your friend played the guitar So you learn how to play the bass you did that all for two years You know, we do all these things then we shed different things along the way and we pick up all the things that was thrown at You know, so if you're a baseball player by the time you get to high school Even though you lettered even though you played billy basketball and 13 or 50 year old football and red raiders You narrowed down to one thing and work on that Correct that that seems like that's how I How my life went my mom always I always wanted to stay home all summer

I just like watch tv and I was never allowed to do that. He used to piss me off She would sign me up for stuff and in high school remember I got signed up I hated it when I was there but looking back it was probably I signed up for the only two video classes at this Vocational high school in the town next to me at a summer camp for kids Like and that's honestly. Yeah, that is how that was the summer before high school Wow, that's great. I never thought about this at the summer before high school and then starting freshman year I took every video class they were they ever gave and And yeah, wow that summer camp

The more I learned how to speak English the less television I watched So by the time I was nine or ten My television skills were very limited I couldn't wait to get out and talk English I couldn't wait. Okay. Okay. I couldn't wait to get out and see a new word You know at that time I was putting words together in my head. I remember by the second grade I had learned pretty good English. I was getting good grades. I could I was taking aptitude test and passing them But I couldn't wait. It was different for me because I couldn't wait to go outside and speak English

I couldn't wait for those things. You know TV really wasn't Well, I think in the first and second grade Before I got like a little after I got hit no handle lunchbox Before I went to karate was the only time I would stay at home I would go home eat like a sandwich and do a little homework and then I would get walked To karate three or four days a week on the Upper West Side So I was always one of those guys that I watched TV but it didn't dominate me. Oh, I loved it as I got older

You know, then I came at a time when I got settled and I watched the honeymooners and but that was at night That was after 10 30. I never really got myself into then I watched Sanford and son Fridays at eight and nine that was a certain time period for me and I watched Chico and the man But that wasn't gonna happen every night of my life. I would watch welcome back Carter or There was a movie on the thing on the internet the white something white shadow There was a show on cbs about a white coach with a black basketball team So I definitely watched that because I was into basketball and I wanted to go to college So I wanted to see what the lifestyle was like. Was it you just not liking TV or was it like a rule from the mom?

I think it was a combination of three things Even at an early age, I like television, but I don't like to control What do you mean? I didn't like to control it had over me. I didn't like that There was times I was sitting in front of that TV for three hours. Oh easy. That's why I hated Star Trek and I turned it off at six o'clock and I go do something else Like I just hated it the more I did it. I hate it and even today I come home. I'm doing a bunch of a couple things and my wife is in the living room working. She's got the tv on listening to cnn know whatever

And sometimes I'll sit down but the most I could sit on the daytime is maybe 15 minutes So I can I won't watch anything. I'll just sit there having a conversation with her thinking about my next move But I'm really against that I'm against a lot of things that have held adults back over the years When an adult talks to me about the simpsons, I get very aggravated When an adult, you know, I really do because these are things that hold when I see two adults talking about the simpsons I want to stab all fucking three of them, but this is me. Do I hate the simpsons? No But this is just me. There's so many, you know, these super fucking hero movies. They're eating my insides out

They're eating my insides out But why does the subject matter like for example, so why is it okay to go see because you're an adult after 11? You take the hat off with the fucking propeller and that's it with the fucking superheroes. That's it. Okay There's no more towel around your neck. Well, how old are you when you realize the towel doesn't work around your fucking neck About 12. Sure. That's it. That's it That's it That's it. We live in a society now that there's adults going to see fucking, you know When that theater happened that's shooting

And those parents were there with their baby At the batman shooting in Colorado I would have pulled them out and shot them both in the fucking head as parents because that's the best thing I could have done to those two fucking scumbags Okay, that's the best thing I could have done So the both of you is go to see batman on the midnight fucking showing with a newborn fucking child This is why I don't like those fucking dumb movies I wouldn't go see batman versus fucking superman

If you fucking paid me after the first batman, there's no more reason to keep making batman's and suckers for keep going to see him Spider-man same fucking thing. I can't see this shit. I can't see adults going to see this shit It destroys my fucking insides Okay, you okay, Joey, but you went to see karate movies. Yeah, I was 13 And once I was 13, I realized people can't fucking fly no more People just can't jump off the floor and throw a 20 a Psyche kick a 22 fucking feet I saw a movie one time where I had a treasure chest

And he threw it up in the air and all of a sudden he landed on top of a mountain and caught the treasure chest There's no reason to watch that anymore That's how I worked in my life And part of it was I got my light shut off So I had to decide what was important and what was not But I'll tell you right now when some something like superman versus batman on a dead pool Or something like that does well. It breaks my heart deep down the side It breaks my fucking heart deep down the side because it ain't nine year olds with a balloon that are going to see that

It's fucking dummy adults and every time they go they're gonna make another one of those movies when you create those markets They keep making them they get worse and worse and worse You know 600 million people for spider-man versus superman and nobody like the fucking movie marvel has the Their schedule up until like something like 2020 and I saw a graphic about it the other day. It's amazing What about comic con because that's all I don't think they have kids there at all. Listen I like a celebration of things How long you know me five years I ever go to one of these weed things No, not that I know

You know how many times joy used to beg me to go to comic con and sign autographs for the longest yard Every year, you know embarrassing it would be for me to do something like that or sell shirts Or sell posters from some movie and sign them How long do you think you'd last 15 minutes But I know this going in and I knew that 10 years ago going it, you know, I love the people reach out to me and say Hey, we're doing this thing and Sam Bernardino It's a bomb fast or a reef the fast. Good luck. You're not gonna see me

You're not gonna see me even if you're paying me. You won't fucking see me I don't want to be around that many people smoking dope. I don't want to be a part of it I believe in smoking a drink from time to time. I don't want to see 400 people bouncing up and down like you know I don't want to see that That's a complete different situation for me People faking their eye and their eyes are faking their clothes and then they're giggling like fucking retards You know I don't like that either. It's it's it's uh getting back to kind of what we talked about the other day

We're just cutting the fat and But the other side of it is I've been smoking dope for 30 years. I've never acted like that I've never gone to one of those things and all the times you've been to my home You see your magazine what we know no you see your posters on my wall with weed or stickers or anything like that No, but I smoke more than anybody probably yeah, okay Yeah, I mean okay, it's like going to see the people when you ski And you see people all dressed up and ski gear and the whole fucking thing what the god wasn't they ski for shit

It's like people who you go see who do comedy they do credits for 20 minutes and they go up then they suck That's why when I do on stage, I don't want no credits It's some joy dears. They know I was in movies and stupid fucking movies and stupid tv shows You come to see a comedian. I'm not going to recite my fucking credits and to try to impress you with smoke Let's see what you got on stage fat boy That is interesting. Why are we different cut? I'm from a different cut. I've always made it difficult on myself Because I've always believed it's a discipline Every part of life that you want to move forward

Is a discipline we spoke about john jones last week. Mm-hmm the exact time was 11 49 at night or 11 50 to fuck you doing out at night God, he's happy that didn't check his car He's happy that didn't do a thousand things. Yeah, there's reports that the cop was racist and all this shit And the cop was a little picking on him in the fucking car or whatever But this all stems from being out after fucking nine o'clock You got a wife and two kids to fuck you doing that nothing's gonna happen That's a mental thing that you gotta go. You know what? I'm not going on. I'm gonna take this car

I'm gonna light this fucking car on fire and bury it in the fucking desert You mean because the least you want when you're into that supervision is that fucking type of car So people exactly know who the fuck you are. Yeah Go trade it and get two keys and light that fucking car on fire. I got a blue one and a red one I don't know who the fuck it is. You're just a black dude in the fucking gear He hired a driver today. Do you see that? That's what he said big fucking there's too late now Because now he's got that one strike against him. That means the next one he gets locked up This could have all been avoided

Yeah, just this could have all been avoided. He's looking at you know, you look at the fighting potential You look at all the shit he's got going on on top of that. He loses millions for his family By going don't don't do nothing don't do nothing You go right from the fucking ring right to your shower. You take a shot. You don't even do the press conference Why you don't like Dan and then it'll like you Oh, you got to assume that Yeah, I mean he must be pissed at him, right? Well, it's not pissed everybody's disappointed, but I'm not disappointed at John Jones. I'm disappointed that he doesn't have somebody that's calling the same. Listen

After nine o'clock that's it take that fucking car and shoot it Give it to somebody give it to a black school But how would you react if someone told you that at what? No, like if someone came to you today and guess what what you'd never have to tell me that Why because in all that time I got probation violations for snort and blow not for being out not for I never got pulled over I never got involved in a fight. You wouldn't see me after nine o'clock when I was on probation But don't you think John Jones probably thinks he's doing just as well? Like he's just the girl that ought to get me

Well, they've been out the gums since they wanted his cocaine mind They're always people always ought to get you when you're on cocaine Okay, and the and the and the fumes of those feelings linger forever Because I haven't done a line of coke in nine years and I still feel sometimes that people ought to get me Do you think that stems from all your cocaine? Absolutely. That wasn't there before no, absolutely It was it's always there It's always there, but that's thought of thinking over the years that makes it become a permanent scar and a permanent way of thought It's like doing a an armbar a thousand times. You get it muscle memory

Ronda Rousey and get your penguin and your pinky and do an armbar on you. It's the same thing if you do it to your mind If you keep telling your mind you're a piece of shit. You gotta be a piece of shit all your life I do that Constantly, I think everybody's mad at me For every for anything if someone doesn't reply to something or I'll have when I'm at home I'll give paul on my phone sometimes and show the short text be like was that rude? He's like no, they just they're just not responding yet. I always think someone's mad at me. I have no idea why I'm the same way And I love it. Why it drives me nuts. Why do you love it?

Because then you think of the situation and you think of why they're mad at you And sometimes they're not even mad at you most of the time they're not they just got stuff going on in their lives But it's amazing to see where your mind goes mind goes to the worst most evil worst fucking things Oh my god, it's terrifying like I'm trying to work on it and I can talk to myself. I can talk myself down And you know you all worried your wife was mad at you Well, yeah, she's mad at me. She's mad at me. She didn't like the way I talked to one of the phone. She's mad at me She wasn't mad at you. No, yeah Always happens

It always how it was and it's not even just her it's it's you it's it's Steve Simone. It's anybody No, sometimes you ask me you mad at me. No, no, I just answer the phone. I'm doing a thousand things and Your family so I could take to go fuck yourself when they call you back in two fucking minutes I don't have to play a facade with you There's nothing worse than you're doing something and somebody calls you you have to take that call now And you're doing a thousand things and he knows you're not focusing and you know, you're not focusing And you know, you're trying to type somebody calling me today and I was at the end of a fucking paragraph And I had to get the phone because he had already called me last night and I was sleeping

So I had to get the phone so I just picked up and go hold on one second I finished that fucking paragraph and I got back on I'm sorry, Doug. You called me the middle something I don't want you to think I was being rude to you Right and and he would and he knows you're busy So he probably wouldn't have even he would have understood if you called him back in 20 minutes Listen, you don't want somebody calling you twice unless you fucking hate that guts I don't want you to think like I'm avoiding you sometimes and sometimes you just can't pick up the phone with that I have three people in my life

They're calling me at the worst fucking time Like if they fucking call I'm fucking doing something You know, it never failed it never fails For me it never fails if I leave my phone upstairs and I leave for two hours and I come back I could tell that person's always in the car If I'm carrying groceries that person's gonna call as I'm walking into an office for a dental A pussy shut checkup blood work or whatever that phone rings. I know it's that person. Jesus. It's amazing It's um and if they call five minutes fucking earlier

They'd be fine They'd be fine and they piss me off when they don't answer the phone when I call them back Like when I call you in the morning, you don't pick up the fucking phone And then you bombard me at six when everybody else is calling me. I want to choke you Because I called you eight fucking hours ago You're gonna call me now at six when you know, it's my busy fucking time Five to seven is home run time for more ways than one the baby's on fire The baby's on fire used to be that agents used to call and shit and tell you your audition

No, no nobody calls me for business the baby's on fire So unless you want to hear chit chat with a child yelling like you don't fucking call my house Don't call the talking between five and seven same thing from fucking seven the fucking 10. I'm walking the baby to school I'm not gonna pick up the phone to talk to you Not at all not even if it's my age Because I'm walking on the street Any of the pay attention I gotta pay attention. I got my child with me I got no time to look into a fucking phone and play dilly-dally with somebody

In fact, I don't even take the phone when I walked the kid to school because I'm with my wife and the kid I don't give a fuck unless you get hit by a fucking car. It's got nothing to do with me I know you're home So I don't give a fuck where the world is Right, it's scary. It's scary how much attachment we have to our phones our friend Becky. That is why I leave the phone Right, Becky our friend works at a flotation place and I was thinking about going and she's like, okay It's about between an hour and 90 minutes. I was like I couldn't what have Joey called between like, you know, no, no an hour is perfect

An hour something to wait, but you could call your mom and go I'm going into something for two hours. Don't fucking drop that on me And you call your dad and say don't drop down. I mean, if you hear the phone ringing in the other room You know, it's some Joe Jerkoff calling you And would you follow me? So I know what time people are gonna call me now. You know, listen My agent don't get until 9 15 9 30 by that time. I'm back And the other people don't get until 10 10 15. So I have no reason I talked to you at what time 7

It's over I leave the phone. I come here and I write or I go drink coffee and I write or I go outside and I write I don't need to talk to nobody on the phone I need to talk to nobody on the phone When I walk out of school the phone stays at home. Does it really? Yeah, when I go to jiu-jitsu Yeah, I'm with my family. What do I give a fuck? What are you gonna call me and tell me? I don't know already But what if you like had an emergency like, you know, what am I gonna do? I don't know you fell in my leg Well, I'll take the fucking phone with it. Okay. Well, I'll take the fucking phone. She taxes. She does all that nonsense

When I go to jiu-jitsu phone stays in the car unless it's 90 degrees then it stays at home Why would I take the phone into my fucking place of working out for what? My daughter's at school and my wife's got the phone if something happens to If something happens when I get out at one, I'll pick up the fucking phone and call you back Yeah, no, I force myself not to have that piece of shit on me Somebody was mad at me this weekend for all I messaged you on facebook number one dog I ain't got facebook on my phone because I really don't give a fuck about it I got two things on my phone that matter my personal email and twitter and i'm about to drop twitter

Really? Yeah, that's it. Just do it straight from home. Just do it straight from home I don't want to be on twitter when I'm out of the house. I don't be anyone I don't care what's about not that shit once I'm out of house saturdays and sundays I don't look at twitter if you message me or put one of those things on my timeline I don't know what's called. You're in no danger. Don't bother me on saturdays and sundays. I don't even look at twitter That's the discipline so I don't get controlled by it. I don't want to get controlled by that dumb shit Yeah, it's it's And like how how much you probably don't but when my internet goes out it's like it's like world war three

No, you get the notebook and the piece of pen. It's even better for you It's even better for you because you go back to school. I'm too busy. I'm too busy resetting my router You let control what you want to control you for 30 years. I know it was to get control because I'm addicted to fucking heavy-duty cocaine I didn't mind that control That's a subliminal control those little addictions where you try to make plans, but you don't I got people's calling me Right, man. Let's meet them out for coffee at 10. I don't think that's a good idea 10 was too early for you. I was up, but I was in no mood to talk to you

What time would you be in the mood to talk to people whatever it was something to do about cash And how I was gonna get another package of cash o'clock cash o'clock at those days. I didn't give a fuck, you know That's and now It's completely different. Like what do you have now? Does weed control your life like that? Uh, there's nights. I have a joint left 10 years ago. I'd be going crazy Now I just go fuck it. That means I smoke a bolt on it. A lot of times I don't do the morning joint because I got no weed Oh, so you used to go crazy because you didn't have weed

Once I went to prison I fucking controlled my weed consumption. I knew that you could give it up at any time You know, I think last year did I stop smoking for three months? Well, I smoke the vapor pad. Well, yeah, he's any took animals, but I broke that mold I still broke that thing and then I realized that vapor pen don't do none Excuse me. I do a real smoky smoky to get fucking stoned to the gills. Oh, yeah, you really do or the hash Yeah, it's different and that's why I used to say look for a year. I've told you to get out of the house early now You love it on monday wednesdays and fridays. Oh, matter of fact that you can't wait. It's a trap

The house is a trap The house is a trap for you. That's why all these people spend millions of fucking dollars If you really spend time out, you have to look at your schedule like when you're when you're 20 What do you think you have roommates? Because you go I can sleep in a closet for two and a half hours But then you go to the kitchen and there's ants in your food I'll come back when there's a piece of shit in your toilet And then you see the limitations in your life and you move up and you move up and

But sometimes you're like, what do I do? What do I do? I don't even I'm not even home. I'm this hyper guy I don't like being home. I like being home. I just don't like being trapped I like getting sun You know sitting outside under a tree writing is completely different than writing in your notebook Writing in your room writing in an office You know typing on a computer in an office and writing long hand Outside under the sun is two different fucking worlds Two different energies two different. It's amazing what happens to you

Would you be as funny if you had to write an inside if you couldn't write outside? I could write anywhere because I I smoked dope But what I'm saying is a comparisons of energy. Okay. It's like sometimes I'd like to go to jujitsu But there's some days I step outside the house. I'm like, I'm not going to jujitsu I'm gonna go to the north hollywood park and do 10 sets of 10 kettlebell swings and a couple cleans and a couple squats And I'm gonna walk around one time and get this vitamin fucking D that god's giving us Sometimes the kettlebell guy has us do uh the teacher Dave has us do some workouts outside outside

And every once in a while I'm like come god damn it. We're planning to be inside. It's cold out here I'm in outside in front of people. It's sunny out. Yeah, the sun's shining You know, it's nice to mix it up a little bit. That's why some I never liked hiking You know hiking is just walking up a fucking hill with a stick and a sweater around like a jerk off What an hike today. What are you fucking talking about? You took a walk up a fucking hill You know running guy No I can't see that either. Well, it's more of a movement

You know getting up early and going up there with a bunch of people the girls dress a certain way Have you been up there? No, have you taken a walk up there? No Listen, you've never seen LA sheep until you go up there. I've heard One time in 1997 Okay, the girl I used to date then Was one of these dumb fucks that used to like all that dumb shit You have to walk and they say what are you fucking talking about? I started blowing eight your ass till six in the morning. You want to go for a fucking walk

First off, you got to walk up fucking, you know, six blocks of city streets You didn't know that, right? You got to walk tall uphill from sunset all the way to fuck up up there Then once you get up there you walk in And now it's not like that no more that used to be a dog park where fucking fucko does yoga Yeah, yogi steed with yogi steed does yoga that there used to be a dog park when I got there So when you're doing downward dog, you're sniffing some fucking dog fertilizers shit All right, then there was a table there. There was a couple tables there I had just gotten here. I had just gotten here 1998 1997 1997

I didn't know what What was what I just kept my mouth shut and looked around And I remember being up there like I think I went up there maybe three times and all three times It was the same batch of stupid fucking chicks sitting at a desk like a picnic area. Uh-huh Three tables and sometimes it was one table of one time was two But it was the one batch of the same goofy ones And you could tell either they had snorted blow till midnight or they would have done coke And then they go home and make themselves up to go to run your park

And they'd wear the hat or the tony the ponytail sticking out of the hat to really be fake And they'd sit there at that time and I moved here. What was hot that movie titanic was hot They were just out Leonardo Caprio was out every night and these girls will call him leo I remember I had a dog then me and carol had a dog and we let the dog lose and carol would walk and I'd wait for the dog And I could hear these jerks. I was talking about how leo Had to me over last night. It was tremendous He played music and he was the dj

And in those days jack was still slinging dick jack nicholson jack nicholson was still had young chicks Was he looking at his 50s or something? Yeah, well, he's 70 now. So he was in his 50s still getting coked up Still having these young and they were talking about jack Well, I went to jack's lesson right there and they would just sit there and that was it and they would go over their lines They would make believe they're rehearsing in those days. There was a lot of auditions a lot more And all this table of girls would just sit there. I never read my lines in public though Like just so people could see and they would be outside and I just stopped going like that. It just wasn't my bag I couldn't

Even then I hated that Bringing your lines outside and reading them so people could stop you. What are you reading for? Oh my god? I love leslie con she's great. You know get the fuck out of my fucking face Oh, yeah, that's terrible, but it is and you said this was gonna happen It's nice now Could I go to the same class every day or every every week and it's always the same people There's a few people who come in and out, but it's like five or six people who are always there and I'm getting really friendly with them So it's on the when they're not faking when it's not a whole bunch of hollywood books. It's really cool

I'm sure it's happening with you what you did to now Because you've been there like a month or two, right? This is january 4th. Oh wow, okay The last time I went to vmak was january 3rd on a sunday take a look take a look and see if I'm not lying to you I'm gonna get my dates right because I don't like bullshitting people I think that's what it was All right, 2016 January 3rd was a sunday. There you go

Yeah, yeah, I went to vmak that sunday And I just realized I was with you. I think maybe that's the last time you went to jujitsu No, I had done I had broken it up a couple times and I went one time with you and I went home And that whole december was really disturbed because my jujitsu was getting worse My breathing was getting worse and I just wasn't getting nowhere in my jujitsu and I got really down. I didn't tell nobody I didn't tell nobody I just went home and wrote about it like what am I gonna do about this jujitsu thing

I was having a hard time breathing. I still had the fears, you know, every time I went to jujitsu I still had fear of what was gonna happen And I went online and I was gonna go to street sports and Sherman Oaks and try them out. I was gonna try out jog jog machado I was gonna try out checkmate and burbank There was a couple schools who had a lunchtime class. I realized that I had to go to class mondays and wednesdays for me to be consistent and that would be eight times a month If I stayed in town, I would try to catch the friday class So that would put me at 10 times a month. That would still be good enough

Not really good, but at least I'd be a little bit more consistent than I was doing now This killed me from like september to december and I love john butter v mac. Oh, yeah, it's a great place I love the kettlebell system, but john didn't have a monday And a tuesday and a wednesday john had a monday and a wednesday So I didn't know nothing about nothing. I fucking kept going to john And then some wednesdays I would go to him, uh, john jack, uh, whatever Hegan, but for the most part on wednesdays, I couldn't go over the hill anymore guys. It was killing me I was leaving at 10 o'clock and not pulling back up to my house till 130 145. Oh, yeah, that goes your whole day

That kills my whole fucking day, you know, and if I was a UFC fighter Yeah, I'd go to hegan machado, but all I'm a fat bastard. I just want to get flexible I just want to get my cardio going. I wanted to get this fear of being on my back And I knew I needed to do something consistent So that january like that last week of december I wrote out the pieces of paper where what four schools I was going to go look at Then I did one last thing I called eddie bravo my command And I said eddie

Do you mind if I paid for a black belt to come in at 10 in the morning in hollywood or in uh hq and teach jujitsu and he said absolutely not Did I tell you this no, you know, because I don't want no fucking jujitsu gi jujitsu And I don't want no fucking kettle bells. I don't want no fucking weights. I don't want no fucking motions And I don't want no fucking strings. I just want straight jujitsu, bro They said like that to me and I gotta be honest with you my feelings got hurt I didn't talk to eddie for like two or three days

But I thought about his words Now here's eddie He's been to abu dhabi. He's competed. He's fought for everything he's had You know, nobody liked eddie because of his No gi and his transition and what he did to brazilian jujitsu People got mad at eddie. Do you think that stopped eddie? No, no eddie kept going and going and going and going And what he was telling me in a way that day was that you know what coax

Joey as he calls me I don't want no that shit in my gym. All I want people to do is jujitsu and I thought about that for a minute I go wait a second I'm so fucking scared of jujitsu That if he calls me and says hey, let's go dead left and do the elliptical I would not go to jujitsu and go do the elliptical with him I did everything I could not to do jujitsu even though I just went And did the most I could do. Do you know what I'm saying?

What do you mean by that? I was training with you. You said once to me that those sunday and monday classes I liked them because we didn't do much. Yeah, there were and there was a little bit easier because I was going to the tuesday and thursday day class And hassan is fucking a monster He's he's so flexible and so amazing and he does some things that I right now just can't do And it was hard and it was frustrating because yeah, they wouldn't even the classes were small and they couldn't come Over but that was but it was they were small. I was getting a lot of attention. It's a great school

But it was just I wasn't at that level and the the one class that I should have been able to go to Tuesday nights. I couldn't make it every week 645. Yeah, 645 on a tuesday and that's tough. It was tough for me too And I'm sitting on the couch with a baby going. I should be a jujitsu, but I got a fucking family Right. I'm not going to the UFC. I got to figure out a way to do this Works for everybody and I profit. I was ready to quit jujitsu Last december, I was ready to quit jujitsu. I just didn't know what to do and how to break it I didn't want to get on the 101 to go to jujitsu

I had to go to jujitsu some place fucking close to me And those fucking little classes were not working not the john budd's a great teacher He was teaching some great things. It just wasn't working compatically for our body. You know, it was me you and nick That's it. Nobody when I was doing that I was doing that to see if anybody else from the school would show up on mondays And we could show v-max. Hey, we got eight people showing up. I'll pay for this fucking shit We got eight people showing up. Let's start a fucking class at 11 Let's start a class at 10 30

But it never it never plateaued No, I was frustrated. So one night I'm I already have my list I'm gonna take a week off from jujitsu and figure this shit out And I got a call from berkreich of all people and he goes. Hey, man. I'm doing a spot at fucking flappers tonight What are you gonna do? And I go nothing. He goes, uh, why don't you come do a spot with me? I went down there and I was at the light of victory

And magnolia and I look over to the side and I see legacy jujitsu And I said, that's my friend Alberto crane. I go, I can't go there This fucking killer's there Again fear kicked in I went over to fucking bridge Parked at flappers went did my son on the way back. I made a u-turn and parked in front of our burdo school At 11 30 at night. I looked in there dog and I got so intimidating Just looking at the place you pulled in at 11 30 at night I've got my car and looked into the glass. He probably got me on tape

Who's that fat guy? Yeah, you know, this is how scared I am man And I got back in the car and I made a left and I waited for the next morning. I went on their website And they had class every day at 12 o'clock and guess what that told me I have no more excuses. Yeah, they got me. I timed it. It was 13 minutes from my house I could leave at 20 to fucking 12 and be there stretch out And I've been consistent Two to three days a week since january 4th

I only gave myself six more months doing jujitsu I said if I don't get it together in these next six months by august I'm quit And I love it more than I ever have If I didn't have all that shit to do today, I would have gone again for that. That's my addiction right now And I'm not losing weight, but I'm getting more like I'm losing you could see your body's changing. Yeah, my body's changing I'm baggy and my shirts are baggy And I love that that's the same thing going on with me in this new catalog place

It's and you always used to say That you have to do different things to to change your body up to trick your body up And Bro, I had I've been fat my whole life. So I had people everybody Would tell me oh, you need to do this to lose weight. You need to do that And I just got great at just yet. Yesing him, but not even not listening at all And you were always big on can't just do the elliptical can't just do the elliptical And I I think the reasoning that's a good

Uh advice, but I think the reasoning behind it is different for fat people because for me it's not to To shock my body. It was if I had never done due to I would never have done kettlebells and found something that I actually in Me enjoying something athletic Is never is not supposed to happen. It's not in a million universes. That's not gonna happen, but That's what I think it is is you have to go out if if I if I was 300 pounds again I would tell myself just try a bunch of different shit because a lot of places have the one week free trials

I would just do 10 of those things because you'll find one thing that you fucking like and now Me at kettlebells at 8 in the morning doing or at 9 in the morning doing six get-ups and then today we Oh today was killer. We did Uh get-ups and we did clean swing clean Press squat. We did that five times on each side four times Oh Dave's a fucking man. He's the best And it's and that's what I was talking about earlier

Like through the third set. I wanted to stop when that was done I was I was like that would have been a good workout, but because everyone else was in the class How long his class is taking you now seriously? 35 it changes 20 to 35 no, no, there's something along there's something 45 to 50 which are but he he does some movement stuff Every once in a while, which is as hard as fuck like we'll do push-ups up and down the gym like these push-up walks But it's usually between 35 and 40 which every time I look at my my my phone to see what time it is because he doesn't have a clock

I'm not disappointed, but I'm like, oh, this could have gone a little bit longer and we could have done a couple more More than that. That's it. Oh, no. I don't I don't have my phone I don't call you. I don't call you gives a fucking reason. I just have it because I don't want my phone overheating the car That's all put it under your sweater. No, I'm looking at no more. Oh, no, I don't look at ever I'm just saying after the class after the class after what I get when I'm going to do that and it's It was cool today because there's a new girl now She just started she's doing so now she's doing what you were doing four weeks ago Right not the low man in the totem pole. Yeah

That's gratifying to a degree like even for me like when I first started going To alberto crane's place legacy If I could do the warm-up I was pretty much happy Like I'm the type of guy that sits a little gold So in my mind, like I was telling someone the guy who I did drills. Yes, I went to the drill class from 10 to 11 to 12 Like I asked me why I got into jiu-jitsu and I told him I said when I come in here I go for little victories

If I could get something in half god, that's a victory if I get somebody in never mind the submission The submission is never even on my mind right just the position just the position if I get to that position I did really well today if I go in there three days in a row and you're a blue belt And I can't pass your guard on the fourth day. I pass your guard I'm doing great. I finally figured it out. Do you ever celebrate in your head? They're like, yeah Yes, no celebrations make me strong in all the other aspects of my life I know for a fact At this times I'm on stage and because of what's going on with my jiu-jitsu confidence

I might turn a set around where I never would turn that set around three or four years ago Oh, so you do well in jiu-jitsu is giving you confidence because it's making me retain my guard In jiu-jitsu no matter what happens. Guess what just go back to your guard and you got this guy Now that gives you another set of opportunities. Same thing with calmly if you're blowing it stand hold your ground Take a deep breath of fresh air. They're not gonna say nothing to you Keep a smile on your face. Keep a breath of fresh air And start from scratch and think about your words all over again

And this is what jiu-jitsu has been teaching me. It's a shame. I learned that at the age of 50 The damage I could have done in life If I would have learned that by the age of 35 Then no matter what's going on in your life retain your guard Hold them by his collar hold his sleeve And breathe Breathe and all of a sudden

You're right fucking there Little tony Bennett on a monday afternoon. We've been talking for a while lisa. What the fuck guy I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I Or somebody who will swear to be true As you used to do What do you think about that cock suckers?

Oh someone gave that to us on vinyl didn't they? What's that don't you have that on vinyl now? Yeah, I can't wait to hear that on vinyl. Did I bring it with me? Yes, I did. Oh, that's so cool Yes, I did. I'm telling you nice people came this weekend. They brought alms Here this was uh jesse From brand and they sent us two cards in here Target people fucking came out this weekend in full force. Tony Bennett. I want to be around I can't look how young he is. Yeah, this is 1960 something

This has to be 1963 Yeah, because this album came out on my birthday Really? Yeah, check it out. Go ahead press it. Is the name of the album I want to be around? Yeah What do you think you're dealing with? Do you think I'll blow smoke up your fucking muffler? I'm the uncle Joey. I'm gonna hit a bullshit you When did it come out release date? Let's see here. I want to be around Tony Bennett. What's the release? Yeah, 18th of it is 63. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with here?

Huh? Wow So, uh, let's see who dropped these off leave my man. Thank you for all you do It's been awesome listening to you mature and grow with Joey as your guide. Haha Keep kicking ass with your workouts. I know it sucks from experience, but it's something That will all be worth it. Thanks again. Love Jesse Torres and for me they wrote thank you, Jesse been listening to you since beauty the beast Remember you're seeing at the gig in corona, California with Jeff Garcia Thank you for keeping a real dog

With love Jesse toto Torres, I love you too. Let me give some shout out to nugget out farms who dropped off a fucking tremendous bag of weed David at christen for dropping off the almond brothers suavecito men's products Dawn of the thread calm laia. Hernandez Sunny lighting. I mean, we got some great people as always cleo water boxer Uki fucking spooky my man leon, you know We got Casablanca Joe. We got Joe. We got everybody on there my girl tracy We got my girl fucking

Lacey we got everybody. I'm saying so We have a great group of people. It's awesome. What's up, brother? We have a great it's it's amazing how like Sometimes when I'm just don't have anything to do. I'll just go on and start talking. It's amazing. How cool these people are you know, man, uh You what's that expression you reap what you sell? You know, uh, when somebody hits me up on twitter, I could see the way they hit me out from there being sarcastic Well, they're trying to kick me off my raft or they're being whatever then I see him peep popping up and That's all that matters to me. We keep in touch from time to time

I know who's there and I usually have a quick quick knock and just getting them the fuck out of there, you know They're only going to be around for five or six fucking days to torment. You know, we still got cleo water box and leon Constantine rain. I mean, these are people that are there. They're there You know, joe These are people that have been there for five fucking years with us banging it out. Jesse Torres And I know who they are and every week we get three more of those fucking soldiers That they get it. They get what we're trying to do. There's no smoking mirrors There's no goatees. We just talked to you from the fucking heart, you know last week

I got a lot of emails this week. It's really weird. What gets emails? drug addiction spawns emails Friendships when we talk about friendship, I got 40 emails. Really? Oh, okay, and fear Those are our three topics of the show That I think the people get the most out of When we talk about those subjects, you know, I just talked about a 53 years old Doing you get two years scared to walk into a jiu-jitsu school as a grown man I bought coke from the kkk and I wasn't scared. Can you imagine not being you know being that scared?

I had to remove all those fears. I have all these fucking fears and I remove them little by little whether it's the acupuncture I'm supposed to go on for a needle for the fucking Allergies they're supposed to take a drop of blood out. Those are the ones that are the worst of this one drop Tell me you're gonna take two tubes and I won't be able to see for an hour Those are easy when they just pop the fucking gun, but these little one drops. I guarantee the chick He uses a big needle and I faint I'm gonna have to either go there tomorrow the fucking next day, but those are the most uh Those are the three or four heart. We have probably music that are hard hitting topics or

But this week I got a lot of people calling me and sent me emails with the same thing that you had going on Uh, not knowing where you stand with somebody, you know Those were the themes I was getting the emails from Where do you know where you stand with somebody and how to sustain a friend, you know for that long Uh this morning I called timmy. I called roger. I called james. I called the villa back to back to back to back to back Jesus and these are people I know for 30 years You know, I called him at 5 36 Timmy didn't pick up he called me back, but I was on the phone with james

Uh, and then I had to leave the fucking house and go meet those guys to write and whatnot But if you want to be a friend if you want friends, you got to be a fucking friend. You got to get out there You know, uh this year we had a birthday party for me me you my daughter and my wife You know was I upset? No because I don't go to birthday parties So what a fucking people come to mind. I didn't even tell nobody if it wasn't really a birthday party You know what you want you'll get if you want solid fucking people around you if you act solid You'll get solid people around you I always have a knack of them letting motherfuckers know at what point that I'll die for you

If we get down right now and we start shooting I'll pull the gun out. I'll shoot with you as long as you don't wrap me out I'll shoot with you You know and once people know that they're like, okay now I know I got to act around this guy You know what? I don't want to be around this guy because I don't want that much commitment I don't want that much commitment. You know When my mom was in a heyday whenever my mom made a score hit a number She would throw people money And she would always tell me I know when somebody is acting weird because they won't take the money because they know that someday

They're gonna have to give them that money back and they won't want When I make a score, I always try to buy dinner for some money. I always try to do this I always try to do that to balance it out because the earth always takes it to big Always remember that dog the earth takes its big whether you want to or not that like the irs You pay for everything in this life, you know, I buy you lunch you buy paula lunch Right you follow me it all goes down. Joe Rogan buys me lunch I buy you lunch you buy paula lunch paula buys a mother lunch Nothing is free

Nothing is free and it's continual and it keeps going and then someday somebody will buy my daughter lunch And that's how this chain goes, you know, somebody this needs and they do it out You throw them a hand out. I hate when people know you're broke and they give you a loan You're not gonna get that money back. So don't call a fucking loan You know, you give me four thousand. That's a loan. I have to pay you back But you come to my house with a grand don't bother me for a year or two You give me a grand. Why do you give me a grand because I'm fucking over here floating with hundred dollar bills Just give it to me

Just give it to me. Just give it to me and move on And they'll make you feel better or make me feel better and you just gave the earth a vague Like for karma, I mean that's that sometimes you got to pay a vague And this big of ours keeps fucking rolling You know, you know any fucking steak dinners Joe Rogan has bought me more than my fucking mother in 15 years And I'm not talking about chucky D steak wagon a fucking sizzler. You get diarrhea for fucking six weeks I'm talking about 80 on the fucking steaks So whenever I get an opportunity to buy somebody a fucking steak, I buy a mistake because I know what it is to get a fucking steak

You're following me to to be a good friend. You got to understand those rules of life There's always a vig if he turns out to be a scumbag and does who gives a fuck you still paid your vig You did something very nice this weekend and and I was I was gonna I was supposed to come on saturday To braya and you said now Like you're why you said you said paul wouldn't come and say i'm gonna go with my friends Why put that in your life and I was a little bit disappointed at first I really like going to the shows and it's a lot of fun and who wouldn't like getting high and because no woman Wants her man to leave the house to be with another fat fuck

Okay, no one will know what you made her whole weekend. Listen. Why create a beef where there ain't one? Why would I only a bad friend would go you have to come fuck your girlfriend fuck uh, yeah, that's not who you want around When you get in the car with that person you really got to think about what's his best interest? I know when somebody's getting taken care of and I know when somebody's not getting taken care of And you're not gonna leave your girlfriend to hang out with some dumb fat fuck To do comedy and bray of four hours in your apartment It just doesn't seem right Comedy stores that yeah, let's go down there on the way back. We'll stop the surprise over tacos. Nobody gets in the shit wagon

Right and and she wasn't mad at all Thursday night. I was just high and yeah, no, no, I am paranoid I don't believe in creating but you're right. It's like why like I could have gone down and she and that's fine But and now it turns out her mom is actually having a procedure this week, so I'm not gonna see her next weekend. So Never ever ever I ruined the relationship I pretty much ruined my own relationship as a young man. I paid for a deal. I lost the daughter from it I'm not saying I'm I fucked up also But I'm the king of fucking up a relationship. You want to fuck up a relationship come see me

I'll give you all and I'll tell you exactly how to do it I'll tell you how to pee in her drawer I'll tell you how to take out the garbage in her drawer I didn't say that I'll get you thrown out of the house. You want me to get you thrown out of the house? I'll get you thrown out of the house in three fucking weeks. Send me an email I'll get anybody thrown out of the house in a week Send me an email. I'll give you a step-by-step instruction or that person will never call you again. Oh, no, that's what you want

Yeah, that's not because I lost somebody A wife I thought at the time of sacrilegious, maybe I wasn't in love with her as much as I wanted but I always believed in my heart I wouldn't fall in love with her I'll teach you how to get rude and innocent buddy if you want I'll teach you how to get rid of two people But I'll also teach you how to keep them I'm fucking hard on my wife, man

Sometimes me and my wife don't see eye to eye But every opportunity I could tell her I love her and I could do something nice for right do it This one I got up with a problem. I told her what my problem was and she goes I was gonna take mercy to her zoo anyway. I'll go to yoga tomorrow And I'll cover for her on saturday and that's why she's my wife and that's why I'll I'll be in a casket and she'll still be my wife Because I know how to keep things together I could have got up and told her what she was gonna do

Like I used to 20 30 years ago I Didn't She saw what I was doing She saw that at seven o'clock. I was already ready and fucking out the door So she goes what's going on with you? I told her I said I was in a bind. I got to write this thing. I've never done this before and I really want to do good job and if

If the babysitter's watching her that I got to come over here 10 30 because she's too crazy for one and out She's too crazy. Really? Yeah. She's I gotta be in the other room at least To give and then I take her out, you know, if I'm gonna get it So I said can you bail me out? So that means next sunday. I'll go to jiu-jitsu next monday. I'll take mercy And I'll take mercy all day and even though I want to go to jiu-jitsu and even though I want to go see this guy And even though I got to go to a weed store I got to cover mercy because that makes my wife happy Your farm saying to you so I know how to keep things together if I know you want to go see me do come

I wouldn't have kept you at home, but I just called you and told you to chew why you've been with her all day I could see if She's gonna go home She wants to go home to do something with her cousin and come home. Let's get some weed. Let's get some stars We'll drive on the 60. I'll play loud music I'll beep and people will giggle like assholes on the way home like we always do when we beep you know, but I didn't know about the procedure

I knew nothing. I thought you were gonna see And I know during the week you don't see her so if you don't leave her for four hours Like I said, if it was the commie store and there was like a Fucking dessert store in hollywood that we could stop with the jews The fucking jews the heaps over on the What's that that that's fucking really good place? I took you to where there is raley where they sell machine guns behind the counter on sunset Oh, uh, roma. Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Yeah. Whatever that is aroma. They got the fucking dessert See if we stop over there and get a nice dessert by the time you go to the studio

So you'll be who that's right But you know, that's how you do it an hour. She could take a shower read a book by his women Don't mind that and she wouldn't mind the four hours, but you're absolutely right. Fuck you We would have to leave at five and not come back for one whatever would have been she was fine with it She understands But what you were talking about earlier like put something out there and you got something back I did that. I stayed home and then sunday. I had to go Uh, and steven. I did his podcast and when I got home. She'd clean my whole place

I didn't ask her she she and she's not she normally she's clean, but she doesn't do that And it was just like wow it was like it was and now that made me happy and I want to do more stuff You know a relationship is a friendship that you put your dick in the rest It's a valentine's dick A friendship is a relationship that you bang that You exchange liquids you eat ass you you exchange meals, you know, but it's a friendship plus 3d I didn't notice at 20 fucking five I was too caught up in that uh that misogynistic

But that fucking spick fucking world I come from that stupid mind that I had as a 25 year old at machismo I came from that because that's what I thought was the attitude. That's not the attitude at all by no fucking means And that's why as fucking crazy as I am And as much as I go off on the cable box and other cats and how I'm gonna kill the cat or whatever My wife puts up with me because she knows my heart's in the right place My heart was in the right place when I got married the first time So I appreciate that you told me the truth, you know that yeah, why oh bro rule number one especially with your woman if you like a why make a beef where there ain't

No You want to go out of the house for now? I want to pick up something that particulates her or if you make sure you go out to see a friend or some stupid ufc fight Sometimes i'm sitting there with my wife and I go, honey, you have the baby. Do you mind if I go to john evans? And she's going no, I don't want to see that fight. No shoot the john evans watch two fights But on the way home. I'll stop me yum yum donuts And I get a yuhu so when I walk in I got a yuhu and a donut need to follow from my wife. So she gets it She gets it. That's the only way you're gonna come back as you bring a yum yum donuts

But five hours even yum yum donuts won't save you Right yum yum donuts can't bring you back. I'm see some woman's been sitting there for first one. She's been sleeping Oh, yeah, she would have been asleep, but we're a weird place where Like when when you're when you first start dating and I've never lived with a girl before or ever Like whenever they're there you want to spend all your time with them But now she's she's fucking I'm not gonna see her at all this summer. She's studying for the bar So I like I'm not gonna see her for our anniversary or my birthday What's your birthday the 20th? How old are you gonna be 28? I had a panic attack this weekend thinking about that

I I know that's young and I know there's a lot of people out there who are like 20 Bro, I'm gambling two years away from 30 fast when you were 20 I may I may you I don't know I must have been 23 and I tell people all the time that For a while here. I was doing a show where I would come out here and talk about 10 years ago today 10 years ago. Let me tell you what I was doing And I got emails from people going that was fucking crazy just to let people know the contrast in your lives What was I doing? What is it right now? 2016? All right, so it's march

April 4th. April 4th. I'm sorry. That's how high I got on this show of 2006 Right now I was going through one of the toughest periods of my life Emotionally I was lost The longest yard had been out almost a year and all the things that were supposed to happen did not happen And it was just fucking traumatizingly it was traumatizing This was the beginning of

10 years ago right now This was the beginning of a funk that lasted till I had just gotten throat surgery Yeah I just got neck surgery the the ball the fat ball. Okay. I was recovering. I wasn't feeling good about myself. I was not healthy By no means not even in the ballpark guys Every time I walked into the doctor's office, they wouldn't let me leave then

Until my blood pressure went down. They give me the extra medication for me to walk out Really? Yeah, I was walking around at 180 over 160 in those days Now I'm walking around at 150 over 80 and after an hour I'll go down to 130 That's how bad they shape. I was 10 years ago right now march of 2006 if I think because I Like Carlos and Joe I just had their beef and I didn't stop doing blow till 2007 So that last year before I stopped doing blow was my year of just mental I didn't know what I was gonna do with my wife

Me and my girlfriend at the time weren't doing so well. We were at the six year mark and We had just gotten into out of a bad hole and we were going Right back into another cash wise Oh No, what was happening? I got on the blow and that was From the longest yard money now my resistance. I got up on the blow So now I was doing 120 a night A night out in 20 hours a night on a minimum four nights a week

That tears into your fucking house Jack. Oh my god, of course it does That's like 500 a week. It's 2000 a month That's what I weed And food and rent So I was the beginning of my hell So see a lot could happen in 10 fucking years You know, you were just turning 18. I did. Yeah, Jesus Christ. I was just about to graduate. That's how fast it went If you close your eyes and go, okay

From the time I met Joe Diaz, you got a podcast. You shot a documentary You did fucking Lee's world. You did three sets of t-shirts. You started your own podcast You got a movie podcast with Ramos. You got a girlfriend That's a lot. Yeah with a short amount of time you've done a lot. That's a I said I said yesterday. I wish I had written A journal as a kid. I wish I I wish now I had started a journal when I got together that would have been amazing But I got this email from this guy who said he's and actually you might want to do it It's a brilliant idea for his twin sons. He's doing

Every day he's doing a journal for them about what they did and who they saw and went and like and so look when they're 18 They're gonna get like their childhood. I was like, wow, that's Looking back on all that stuff now Like when I saw when I thought of 28, I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? 28 I moved here 22 23 Just ready to I don't know dude. I don't know what I was gonna do But now I'm 28 and before you know it you're 32. Oh, no

Then you're 36 Then you remember 40 Then you had 42 and you start having some fucking doubts you really do You really fucking do because you figure 40. Yeah, look at I didn't even know the number 42 that was what 11 years ago. Mm-hmm Yeah, you start realizing like what? I got I got married again, which I never thought I would get married again I mean a lot has happened in 10 years that in 2006 that's what you have to do from time to time

And really rally re-evaluate what you were thinking about like that's scary even to me to think about it in 2006 I was not married. I did not have a child in my future A podcast was not even close to happening. There was nobody coming to my shows. There was no twitter. There was no Nothing there was maybe uh my space And look at what's happened in 10 years. So if you're 26 right now Start fucking thinking start thinking about how fast this fucking goes, man This is a journey that goes fucking fast I got back from paduca last sunday. I blinked and I was picking her up at the fucking airport

She even said the same thing. These were the fastest four fucking days of our lives I thought I was in a mystery and it was going to be slow. It was so fucking busy It was so fucking busy last week. I didn't know what to start or what end Do you still feel Like what age do you feel? Because it just feels to me like kind of like what you just said it feels to me like I got here put my head down and Start working and now I'm gonna be 28 in july and it's like what are you talking about? How old do I feel right now? Yeah

I feel better now than when I did it 40 Wow Those two years three years for the longest sure when I was 418 I couldn't walk those stairs I had to three floors and Every time I went to the doctor was a surprise and there were some scary fucking issues I feel better now You know every time you do 10 push-ups at ads, you know now I go I could do the warm-up at jujitsu And I think about me as a 53 year old and the warm-up that I'm doing and

How I'm surviving it and you know, I'm fine. I'm gonna be fine You know age is what you you know if you surround yourself with old people you're gonna get old Yeah, I'm not trying to get young. I'm not doing face jobs. I don't wear young clothes I don't wear young sneakers. I don't do young things. I'm an old fucking man. I accepted it Now I it's not being old. It's staying young in your mind It's knowing what the trends are. I'm like a six-year-old in my mind. I don't want people to think that uh You know, I don't want somebody to say to me. Do you know what and I'm not keen on all the computer stuff If it wasn't for you, you know, yeah, I do the facebook and the twitters and shit like that, but I don't really uh

I'm not keen on like all of them. I'm not really trying that hard to I like the twitter it keeps the message is short And I like the facebook and we move from fucking there But if I gotta take pictures all day and put them up, I can't nap chat stories. Yeah, I don't want to do none of that Shit, I don't want to do none of that shit. I'm too busy in my day Who the sponsors today? Let's start with texture I love these motherfuckers my wife, uh, just went put the paduca and she said the baby fell asleep And she was very happy that she had downloaded the texture

Because uh, she got to read some magazine or whatever You know, uh, it's it's not a bad, you know, I don't read that many magazines as much as I used to But my wife still does so this is this was always great for her But she says that they highlight certain stories. So You know, listen, thanks to pizza. We all we all binge eat thanks to netflix We're all binge watching but now with texture you can start to binge read trust me. It's all about one thing When it comes to magazines, you know what you like and the texture you can with texture You can get all the magazines you want in one super convenient place

Texture has completely reimagined magazines giving you the articles and stories you really want all in one place Plus interactive features videos and recommendations just for you The texture app lets you tap into the world's most popular magazines Anywhere anytime using your smartphone or tablet Breeze through hundreds of your favorite magazines including back issues and pick the articles that interest you the most All right texture has made it easy To find articles you care about I don't just get to read, uh You know sports illustrated and uh, and that's the issue because it's hard to get all those

It's hard to get all of them all together you have them at your fingertips The texture editorial team recommends content For me every day plus I could dive deeper into personalized collections Do me a favor sign up the texture right now And gain insider access to all the content from the world's best publications The best part textures offer my listeners right now That means you you fucks a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash joey You'll gain immediate entry into all the top magazines including back issues and bonus video content

Start binge reading for free right now when you go to texture.com slash joey again That's texture.com slash joey the texture app is entirely digital So it's super environmentally friendly way to consume the best magazines and articles again start binge reading for free right now when you go to texture.com Slash joey, how's that for you you fucking savages and I'll tell you if my wife likes it She's a pain in the ass, but if she likes it Then uh, you'll be fine. All right. Listen, whether you're wearing suits or sweats You spend almost 24 hours a day in your underwear

But instead of making a statement like superman's tights under his everyday clothes Your underwear is probably boring like mine used to be Me on these changed after me and it's gonna change it for you too. All right Every pair of me on these is made from substantially source modal a fabric that's twice as soft as cotton When I work out, this is all I wear is me on these because it keeps my balls dry Nothing can describe the fit and feel of me on these But once you try them you'll understand why they call the world's most comfortable underwear And if you don't love your first pair of me on these

They're free no questions asked me on these is dozens of styles and limited edition prints To help you make a statement with your underwear whether anyone can see them or not you go to some girl's house You want to sling dick? You got to have nice underwears So here's what i'm gonna do shipping is free in the us and canada and you can save up to eight dollars a pair with Me on these subscription plan get the subscription or get a single pair Get 20 off your first order when you go to me on these dot com slash joey Again, that's me on these dot com slash joey for 20 off your first order Me on these dot com slash joey. You're gonna love these underwear. Also, there's something I forgot to tell you people here

Where's the the texture thing I had here because I forgot to tell you people some of the magazines you got on there with texture All right, you got vegetarian times you got woman's health you got yoga journal you got truck trend You got the new yorker you got the essence you got espn magazines. You got men's health Go to texture dot com right now slash joey also before I forget one of the favorite things that we highlight here Because whenever they send me a box, I tell you what man, I like these I really enjoy the blue apron stuff, okay? Uh This week, let me just tell you what boypun has this week. All right, meatball ragout This is for the single for the for the two person plan meatball ragout

Barbecue spice salmon salad uh and for the family plan you got panko crusted chicken Swiss cheeseburgers on english muffins and holly garlic card with bok choy, okay It's okay. You can admit it the last thing anybody wants to do after work is wait in line at a grocery store Shlep home and cook a complicated meal that you got to clean up and all that garbage And I'll tell you what expensive unhealthy takeout is hardly better That's what there's a new service called blue apron dot com one of the first one of the one of my favorite all-time companies Okay, and I'll tell you what because they deliver farm fresh ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to my house

I'm a fucking moron But because of blue apron it helps me create a healthy happy Handcrafted meal at home without going to the grocery store and for less than $10 per meal. You ready $10 per meal Blue apron sends you fresh ingredients Perfectly proportioned making cooking Healthy meals really easy and fun no trips to the grocery store and no waste from unused ingredients Plus this is the best thing about blue apron. You learn to fucking cook You really learn how to cook and stuff that you will never you know anybody can cook a cheeseburg whatever

These are specialty ingredients that are normally hard to find Blue apron is perfect for date night if you want to sling dick Cooking with friends and they even offer a family plan with kid friendly ingredients So the whole family can eat well and have fun preparing the meals together Each balanced meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving and so tasty. You never know Cooking takes about a half hour shipping is flexible and free and the menus are always new All right, like the one I just told you I mean come on We're gonna get meatball ragout and panko crusty chicken plus you learn how to make that stuff

They work around your schedule and dietary preferences and blue aprons expert source only the best seasonal ingredients For incredible meals like I said the barbecue spice salmon or the switch cheese burgers on english muffins You'll cook incredible meals and be blown away by the quality and freshman. All right, so do me a favor Blue apron is the better way to cook check out this week's menu and get your first two meals For free by going to blue apron dot com slash joey My treat first two meals. They're on fucking leader jew here when you go to blue apron dot com Slash joey. That's how much we love you. I'll get another shout out to texture me on these and blue apron dot com. All right Thank you for watching the show today. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart

I'm gonna be home for a while, but uh helium Where am I gonna be in buffalo? April 20th first And my man crackers and indianapolis April 28th. We ain't fucking around. I love you guys another shout out to lee All my sponsors texture me on the in blue apron and for everybody who listened to the fucking tremendous show today I love you motherfuckers and we'll be back Wednesday evening at eight o'clock b square or whatever the fuck it is Stay black cock suckers

Go to texture dot com slash joey right now And they're offering our listeners a free trial on their brand new app texture You'll get immediate entry into the all the top magazines including back issues and bonus video content. That's texture.com slash joey Show is also brought to you by me on these go to me on these dot com Slash joey right now to get 20% off of your first order Of all the great underwear t-shirt socks sweatpants all the great products And shipping is always free in the u.s. And canada you can save up to eight dollars a pair with the me on these

Subscription plan. That's me on these dot com slash joey And go to blue apron dot com Blue apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients need to make them right to your door Our listeners get their first two meals for free go to blue apron dot com slash joey And start cooking incredible meals at home with blue apron. That's blue apron dot com slash joey I have to look up the plan about this youth Oh They found a way to kill me yet

I Has burned with stinging sweat Seems every path leads me to nowhere Wives and kids How so fast Bad Army green What you know seems bad

A bullet screams to me from somewhere Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster Yeah Yeah Here come the rooster Yeah You know it ain't gonna die No

No Yeah Yeah Oh Yeah You know he ain't gonna die No Oh

They spit on me in my homeland Oh, yeah, send me pictures of my boy Got my pills, can't you see it's all death My body's breathing, it's dying breath Oh god, please, won't you help me make it through? Oh Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster Yeah

Yeah Here come the rooster Yeah You know he ain't gonna die No You know he ain't gonna die You