Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #370 - Matt Fulchiron

Episode Date: April 12, 2016

Matt Fulchiron, Comedian, and Host of the "Full Charge Power Hour" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio!   Catch Joey on Comedy Central, Tuesday April 12, 2016 at 12:30am (technically Wednesday) on This Is Not Happening.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box.   Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order.   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 04/12/2016.
  

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Monday. April. 11 motherfuckers. Yo, another week to taxes. Kick that lead. This is so fucking good. You really gotta hand it to this fucking guy. I was just thinking how cool was it that he had a rock bands way before that was cool. He had a rock body count. Body count. They were on Lollapalooza and cop killer. Cop killer. It was very controversial. The whole fucking thing. And this guy is now on a TV show going on 10 seasons. He always plays a cop too. Always. Because of new jack city. He went against type and it's stuck. How great is that? You really gotta hand it to this guy. It's almost like if you concentrate on something you hate, you might kind of become that thing.

He hated cops. And now he's constantly in the mind of a cop portraying a cop. He used to portray the gangster and now he portrays the cop. It's weird. It's very weird. You gotta hand it to him. And he's been around 25 fucking years. He's great on that show too. It's not like it's not like sometimes when there's a celebrity on the show, it's like, okay, they're just here to get their Twitter followers. He's always been good on that show. Yeah, we went down in Thompson's way of park. Yeah. When I shot Lollapalooza, he was great. Yeah. He was really good to me. What do we have here? Joe Diaz.

But the other guy was a dick, Richard Belzer. Really? Yeah, on the set. He was a dick. Belzer played that. What's the name of that character? Scumbag. Yeah, whatever it is. He played that character on like six different shows. He ran it down on Stern one time. Like that character, the name and everything is on like a bunch of different shows, which is weird. Like because it was on homicide and then he was on these other rides and they're like, and they're like, you're the same character. You're the same guy, same name. We're all black. All that shit. He's the same guy. Have you ever seen his comedy? Because I haven't. Well, he's in Scarface.

Oh, okay. He's the guy that does, I've never seen his comedy really. Like he can't, you know, he was part of like the, the 80s. I think the 70s. Like the late 70s, early 80s, at the revolution of, right. The boom is what they call it. Yeah, but he did something else too. I just can't. He did heroin. Did he? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh my god. For how long? I don't know, but that was his thing. He's an ex-heroin addict. What's going on, motherfucker? Chilling. Just got back to town on Thursday. So when did you leave exactly? I left on the 4th of January. And what made you just get out and go to New York? Well, Ari Shafir, he put a thing on Facebook. I was like, I'll switch apartments with anybody. You pay your LA rent. I'll pay my New York

rent. And, you know, that's what he said. And I was like, he's on Facebook. I immediately texted him. Like, I'm like, yo, all right, just give it to me. You know, I didn't see any reason why I shouldn't go. And I wanted to go. So I went, you know, it's pretty spontaneous decision. Yeah. No, no, that's always the best one. Yeah. And was it, did you have a great time? It was the, it was the shit, man. Three months in New York City. Yeah, yeah. I got real fucking used to it. bumping on trains, slice a pizza here, slice brews, ladies, a hot dog and sets. It was the shit. It was the shit. I loved it. I loved it. And I did some, I did a little bit of road work and I could take the train to it. You know, I didn't have to get on an airplane. I went to

Syracuse. I went to Albany. Both funny buns. Yeah. Yeah. They were fun. I liked Albany better than Syracuse, but they were still good. They're still, Syracuse is still good. How's the Syracuse one? Syracuse one's pretty good. I like Albany better. I mean, it's still fucking great. Why, why'd you like Albany better? Albany, they laugh more of my shit. Very simple. How's Albany looking these days? Uh, you know, you know how these funny bones are. You're always in the burbs. So it looked fine, but I was in Albany last summer and it's cool, you know, lots of downtowns are coming together with like, they always put bars and restaurants and stuff and old factories and stuff. So Albany's going through the same thing. It's, it's pretty cool

downtown nightlife. I have, I was there in June for one night and it was fucking awesome. They used to do comedy at the bus station in Albany. Really? Somebody used to book a room 20 years ago on a Thursday night at the train at the bus station. So what you did was you took the bus from Manhattan to Albany. Right. All the train. Right. The train. Yeah. And you took a cab to the thing and then you went to the hotel, slept, spent the night and got back to the hotel with three blocks on the train station, maybe four blocks of fucking real dive. That's awesome. And you got back on the train the next morning and you went, it was part of rascals, not rascals, bananas. Okay. They have bananas up in fucking hell. Don't they in, uh, Niaq, New York,

something. Well, I know go bananas. I don't know bananas. Okay. The go bananas isn't Cincinnati, but I think bananas isn't Fort Lee. It's in New Jersey. Okay. Under the bridge. It's right there. That's what the one banana is. And then they have another bananas. And the Kipsy. And the Kipsy. Let me tell you something. You son of a bitch. That's a brutal three days. Yeah, I'm sure you're in front of a fucking gas station. Yeah. The hotel. And you know, guys like you and me, we just go up there. We figured we'd go up there, take the bus up, right? Get in our room by four. Yeah. The fucking hotel food was horrendous. Dude.

And it was the hotel, like I said, and the gas station. Yeah. I was chips dog. Yeah. I did, I did a gig. The last gig I really, really truly hated was in Atlantic City, New Jersey. The comedy stop. Bob Kephart went there when you, when I got there. What was this? This was in May last year. I go there and they hand you a piece of paper that says, thanks for your patience with late payments. As in, you're not getting paid this week. What? You're getting paid whenever. Seven day week, work week. The crowds are fucking horrific. You're staying in the Ritz, which is Nucky Thompson's old joint. It's gone to fucking shit. It's horrible. I leave this fucking club, goes out of business. I never get paid for the shittiest

fucking week. I've done it a long time. I'm surprised you, Bob Kephart. Your comedy stop, Bob Kephart. He's a crook. And you know what? He's been in business since Jesus left Chicago. He said, yeah, he had a room in the 70s or 80s. Yeah, I've done that one. He had a room in Vegas. It's the laugh factory now. Yeah. So is everything closed in Atlantic City? I mean, this is just kaputz. You got to be able to speak Spanish to order Italian food out there, dude. It's fucking, no, I don't think everything's closed. Everything's still going on. A couple, they still got our hooters. Shit's still going on. The Borgata's still living large. I went to Atlantic City twice as a consumer. Yeah. And it was okay to me one time in my

friend's just went for crab legs. And while I was eating crab legs, I got a late gig in Connecticut. Like Roger Paul calls me like a nine o'clock gig in Connecticut. Yeah. And then I went there one time as a comic and I knew that one time and I went PA called Dan because it was with Joe. It was a Friday night UFC and me and Joe went with like six of us. I think Harry was there and I left him. I did the one night left. I don't want to stay. I'm in Jersey. Why am I going to stay with you fucking buckle heads? Let me go up to my family and see the family. You know what, someone offered me work that week like last minute. Yeah. Yeah. When he comes like, you want to work for me in Vegas? I got I can't do that to them. I can't bail on them last minute.

And then they didn't fucking pay me. Do you see where your morals get you Lee? Always look out for number one. It's crazy. You have to and then I was talking to someone today and she was saying that she did a job like at the beginning of the year. And her agency, it's It's kind of crazy how the checks go to the agents first instead of the people who do the jobs. Like, that must drive you nuts. What depends what kind of job it is. Okay.

If it stands up, it should not go to your agent. Nope. Unless you're a millionaire and it's a $60,000 wire transfer to your agent. And he takes the commission out and he gives it to you. That's Kevin Hart type. That's crazy, I have to wait for it though. Right.

Now, let's say you do a commercial or a TV show or a movie. If you do a commercial, you got 30 days to get paid. Now, to some people, 30 days is like, okay. But when you're fucking living here and you're broke and you're doing $15 sets, you count the 30 days. Oh yeah. You literally do. You know when the mailman's coming?

I knew when the mailman, I used to wait for the mailman. I used to take action for the mailman. I had a Filipino mailman in Hollywood. I got to meet him and know him. I knew him fucking well. Yeah. What sort of action were you taking? Basketball.

He was always anything. He'd bet every night. He'd bet every night. I hooked him up with a bookie. He was my friend. I would see him and he'd go, I have checked for you. And I'd wait by the house till he came. My life was that mailbox.

So for people who really don't understand. Right. 30 days is a long time. Long time. Now you have film and TV. It's 10 days. If you pay SAG, it's 10 days. But let me tell you what happens.

They do send it in 10 days. Your agent deposits it in their back account. And then it takes two weeks. They slow foot you. Yep. And she said it was called processing. No. Let me explain something to you.

You've never, ever, ever seen Joey D as hot. Then when you take my checks in those days and I was expecting cocaine. Yeah. And that check went to my fucking wrong agent or something. I was with Daniel Haft this last time for maybe three years and I liked them. I got along with them.

But when I first got with them in 2000, there was something going on with the check one time. I had been with them, booked a couple jobs and everything was hunky dory. But there was one particular time I bumped into somebody that like, hey man, Daniel Haft was taking a long time with the check. And that's all I needed to hear.

I did this job and I fucking, who's Ben Affleck's wife? Jennifer Garner. It was her show on ABC. Remember when she had her shows? Alias. Yeah. That's, no. No, I'm sorry.

It wasn't her show. I'm sorry. It was the other girl that had the kind of cop show and her father was whatever. I did that show. I taped it right here on Lancashire at that disgusting strip club on the other side of Victory up there.

I did it up there and waited for that check. Fucking three weeks. I was furious. Called the production company. They said, listen, when did you shoot the job? I signed the 29th. They said, we sent it on the second. It was like the 18th of the month.

I was fucking hot. I kept calling the agent. We didn't get it. We didn't get it. We didn't get it. We didn't get it. We didn't get it. What that fucking mail man, come on horseback.

And I was on Coke then guys. I didn't fuck around. Right. I finally called them one morning. I just woke up and I said, listen, that check better appear today, bro. It has to appear today. Yeah.

And I called them back at five and they said, the check is not here. I said, I'm gonna go down there right now. I broke the fucking Danny. When I got there, my paperwork was on the wall with my check and they had gotten rid of me as a client. Really? Yeah, because I broke, I knew them.

I knew they were stealing. Yeah. Are they still in business? They're still in business and I talked to them. I bumped into them at the vet and like a gentleman I went up to him and I apologized and he goes, I remember that and he told me the whole story. He had a partner.

Yeah. And he goes, if you come to my office, I'll show you the settlement and the whole thing. The guy robbed them for two hundred and eight thousand. Right. I was a hundred and the guy went to jail. Not when he comes out. He goes, well, I paid all those checks.

He goes, I'm still in business because if I were to rob that I wouldn't have been in business. He got convicted at that time. And there were a few agents that were taking clients. Really? Nick Tatoro's agent took them for, Jesus. You know, but there's a lot of, there's agents now

that are comedy agents. This is an agent that was running a scam here that was booking you and telling the club to send him a check and then it, listen, when it comes to film and television, I understand. What about the, the- It's a process. The casting agent who like last week

just got fired from their show because they were running a casting workshop and then charging people to audition for the show. Well, you gotta remember one thing that this spawn, what you have here is a land of suckers. Okay. When everybody gets here the first three weeks you're a sucker.

Unless you have a friend that breaks it down for you. People will extra. Yeah. Thinking that they're gonna get a sag voucher. You know, that's not gonna happen. People become extras. Like, I had a guy that goes, listen, man, I'll make you an extra one week

you'll be in the movie talking. This is this guy's scam. I know that never happens. Right. But he's like, just let the director meet you. One week you'll be on the set doing lines with fucking Leonardo DiCaprio. Of course.

When I got here, Titanic was shooting. Uh-huh. And four different extra agencies had this account. It was a huge shoot. Right. You know, that boat went down. They had thousands of people on it. Didn't you see Joe?

He was in the band, playing a violin. They had people down there going to, they would tell you, listen, if you want work, they'd pay $119 a day in gas alone to go to Encelina's and back. Like they would give you a buck 20 just for gas to take the day trip. I mean, you could be in the Titanic.

Not a bad game. So they had a scam going. If you went down there and got chosen, they paid you the 120 for gas and then they paid you the 300 for the day. But if you didn't get chosen, then you didn't get the gas. Something crazy, something just fucking crazy.

But a lot of people were going down it, but there was actually people that were selling extra work going, we'll get you in the Titanic next week, become an extra, go on set. And within one week, you'll be doing lines on the other cabrio. There was a thing called Castnet when I first got here. When you signed with an agent, you had a sign with it.

We will not book you unless you're with Castnet. You know how many Castnets have been here over the years? 80 of them. Same name or is it the same business? No, it's the same stupid scam. Something that you give them, they'll make casting easier. You know, put your heads out on this site and casting people go looking.

No, they don't. Yeah, job posting. No, they don't. No, they don't. Get premium for nothing. Yeah, no, they don't. No, they don't. No, they don't.

No, they don't. All that shit was bullshit. I'm so happy. I didn't get involved in any of that shit at all. I didn't believe in extra work. I didn't believe in none of that. Like Castnets, you know, you need to do this. Anything that costs money,

because what we have here is a bunch of kids that come out of college and they grow up watching Sinai Live and they move here and they get daddy's credit card and they join Improv Olympic. You follow me? They get a brand new car and they, because the dad goes, here's the deal.

You got two years now later, run your game. Yeah. And if in two years you don't make it, then you come work for me at the fucking box company. Right. In my 20 years here, I've known five kids that one day called me and said, hey man, I'm leaving.

Where are you going? I'm going. Rico was the last one. You ever meet Rico, the Agostino's friend? Maybe. You went back to Boston, the only construction company. His dad owned the construction company. Right.

So the whole time he was here, he was getting tired, we wonder, what the fuck did the kid do? How does this kid party every fucking day? Yeah. His dad was cutting him a check and he was doing little gigs around town for 50 bucks. But that's 60% of how he would,

like when you go deep into Hollywood in the inner. Right. I've been a Chubbick, all those acting schools, when you were around, like I was fucking 40. I was 35 going to acting class. And I would listen. I would have a scene partners and you'd have to go to their homes.

And I'd die. What would they say to you? It was just, here I was struggling, doing spots at the store. Yeah. I would die and I'd go to acting class on Tuesdays. And he put me with somebody, you know? And these guys lived like,

the one girl lived on Wilshire. It cost me $8 just to park in her fucking parking garage. And it was like, she was like, somebody's girlfriend, I got on the side. That's what she wanted to do, she wanted to act. So he took off her tattoos, he fixed it. She was the black chick from Florida. That was gorgeous, but she was country.

She was country. She was never eaten with silverware. And he was just giving her a makeover? Like some guy met her and just bought her an apartment. I mean, you could see, but if you looked at this woman, I'm sorry to say that, you could see that she was a race horse. Like she was black and she was fucking beautiful.

She got tattoos removed? Like she was showing me. I removed all my tattoos. She didn't tell me who it was. I had a feeling who it was. She's a black chick. He's a white dude. I know who it is.

I have no idea. And she invited me over to the house to do the scene, we went for coffee a couple of times. She was my friend. I forget what her name is now. This has to be 15 fucking years. Don't feel bad, Bobby, forgot to. And her neighbor was Shaq.

Really? Like her neighbor was Shaq. Like he lived right down the fucking on the other side. It was like every floor had two tenants. One of those apartment. And the other tenant was Shaq. The other tenant was Shaq in the penthouse. He lived below and you could see his head above the porch.

So he cleaned up her tattoos. He fixed her feet. She was beautiful. She was black. What about her feet? Like she just had, like she was, she never had shoes. Like, you know, one of those black people. I'm not, I'm not even trying to be funny here.

I mean, when I tell you this, that this was, when she was telling me these stories, I was just sitting there. They shot a couple of movies down there and he met her. He knew her for like a year. He kept in touch with her when she turned like 19. He goes, come on, I got a life for you. Come on, move to LA.

I'll set you up an apartment. You have like a, like an Audi, like it was all done out. I always wonder when I see those kind of girls and like those cars. Like, and I guess that's kind of sexist. But then again, it's like, it's like young, like 18 year old girls driving like Range Rover's out here. I don't know.

I don't know. There was another guy. See there, Elise or Da Nara. What does it do? There was another kid that I met. I went to his house and he lived in the heart of Beverly Hills.

Like this kid drove to whatever. That's why you never know who the fuck it is at all in this town. Yeah. We did a couple of scenes. They started telling me who he was. Like, his dad is a big composer or some shit. And his dad is always like in Europe.

Like, yeah, and seeing his dad once a year, but they automatically send him like $32,000 every month. God, damn, that's a lot of money. Could you imagine just getting that amount of money every month? I don't know what I would do. I don't know. I met another kid that his father

was a professional quarterback. And this kid, again, just for lack of confidentiality guys, the father was a star in the NFL. I mean, major league star. And the kid, he probably never talked to this kid. You know what I'm saying? Like, you could tell that this kid had a hole in them. He was trying to act.

He was trying to stand up. I mean, he had him in dancing classes. He had him with a trainer. I mean, I'm not kidding. Like, I used to meet him and he would show up and tell me about his day. He had a nutritionist, but the kid was just damn as good

because his dad never put the effort in all those years. Never, like he was, I mean, he was a sweet kid. He met well. You know, it was always, he would call me, Joey, fuck that sandwich place. Let me take it to Mr. Chow. We'll do the scene at Mr. Chow.

I put the people in the back. Like, he could pay off anybody, guys. I felt bad. I would go, no, no, no, no, no. Let's do the scene over there, you know? Yeah. I don't know what then. I bumped into him.

I bumped into him, like maybe five years ago, he still hadn't booked anything. Still in acting class. Still with a trainer. He had a speech guy because he was from the South. Right. So he had a speech guy that came in two hours a day, guys. And worked with him on getting his accent taken away.

Yeah. So, you know, Southern, you know? So I, early on, I bumped into these young kids and it was a different exposure. And then when I didn't buy them to the company store, Matt Filtron, their heads would blow up. Why is that? Because

they had never seen that type of, like I even met people from Improv Olympic. I met this really cool girl and her boyfriend. I met the girl first and then she introduced me to the boyfriend and they were in Improv Olympic. And they came to watch a comedy store on a Friday night. Like I had like a great set in front of them. And they couldn't shut up about it.

Like they had never seen anything like that. They were around so many weak people. Right, right, right. In so many levels. Like they were. Yeah. And comedians too. Like even when they're struggling, they're still actually doing comedy.

They're doing comedy. They're doing what they do. Whereas acting, you kind of got to wait around. They're shins. Yeah. And I really, you know, I wanted to attack acting from two heads when I moved here. I wanted to, I always thought this.

Listen, at the time I was a shrub at the store. So I would go to the store. Yeah, I'd get spots, but my spots were at midnight. So guys like me, you and I at the time would go at 10 and we'd talk and shit. And what do you talk about? Lee shows up and tells me about the club in Memphis that everybody buys merch.

Right. You know, everybody talks to you about that. It's a one-sided conversation. So the reason why I went to acting class wasn't as much as not to act. Was to see the lives of actors. To see if it was really what they fucking said it was. You know, but I went to the wrong place.

I went to a Vantage shop, which is already $200 a month. Yeah. These are all fucking kids. Is that expensive? Well, now. I know it's a lot of money, but is it a lot of acting classes? Acting classes now in Hollywood.

Got to be 275, 300. Oh, yeah. Easy. I went to Leslie Conn and I saw what you're talking about. Oh, God. This one's a playboy, a playmate. This one's a fucking quarterback for the Buffalo Bills. And then, you know, just like you said,

a bunch of pretty kids that had kind of had some money and didn't really know what to do with their lives. And actually, too, some talented people, but, you know. So I learned a lot in acting class that I can apply to stand up and stuff. Absolutely. I'm not saying that. That was good.

How long were you at Leslie Conn for? On and off, really only a couple months at a time. Leslie Conn used to charge $100 for a private grab. For coaching. For private coaching for a half hour. Which is expensive, but also good if you don't know what you're gonna do on an audition. And they go, just do this, this, this.

Then you know what to do. No, it's too much. Listen, what scale? $660. Okay. Listen to me, guys at home. Let me still in here. Break it down, break it down, Joe.

Probably $660 after taxes. You probably get overtime. Let's say you bring home $500, okay? So $660, that's low on taxes. Yeah. $660 in LA if you're single, whatever. Let's say 500. So right after about $660, you're sending out 10% at 60.

Right. 20% is 120. And you're punching out a hundred for the fucking thing. So you're punching out $220. From $500, you're getting what? Two fucking 80. To act at a major television show. You're gonna clear 280 if that.

And everybody out there listening, pay attention to what you're starting with. $660. No, I'm talking about $660 for the day. You people are looking at my joint. What the fuck are you talking about? I make that in a week. Right.

But that's what goes into. That's what you get if you're lucky out here. If you're lucky out here. For that job. But here's the other side of that. Like a guy like me, I'd pay the yardstick because I'd want to do the best performance I could. Of course.

I'd take some of her advice. I always, I was always not, there's people that I know, stand up comics, that they get to a certain level and I'm first of all, I'm not going for auditions. And second of all, I'm not reading for them that this wasn't written for me. I think that's just a shitty idea.

I liked going in and getting the fucking job. I wanted to learn how to go in and get a job. So when I signed up for acting class, for a few months I actually hung out with those fucking knuckleheads of no schools. And I was very totally upset because it was like a little like swingers. People coming up to me, you're going, oh my God,

guess what? We're doing a scene from Titanic and you look at them. What the fuck are you talking about a scene? I want to get into the fucking movies. I don't want to, once I did two scenes, I was done. I was done. I don't know what you're talking about.

And I remember Tuesdays was my, I would go into acting class Tuesdays at 10. And it started like when I first started, I would go there every week religiously for like 90 days. Then I started popping auditions on Tuesdays. And I started working and it was, that was the first time I ever felt like I was doing something.

Because I got to be honest with you guys, out of the 15 people in the class, nobody was working. Right. And they'd suck these kids in and I'd watch it. I'd sit there and see these kids going, no, no, no. I remember not ready to go for auditions here. What are you talking about? Yeah.

Go out there, get in the mix. The only way you're going to learn how to audition is by auditioning and eating ass. Yeah. Is by dying. You'll learn real quick. And listen, man. Once you feel that pain, you'll learn.

But these kids were petrified. They stayed out here. They bucked around. They did a play. One of those shitty plays they put in LA. And they pack up their bags and leave it. And the same thing happens for Stanley because they get in the lower circle echelon group

where it's this fake camaraderie. Like I'm going to go to your shows and I bring my friend and we've come to your show in support. And then when I, no, no, no, no, no, no support. Listen, leave me the fuck alone. Do my shows, you do your fucking shows. But they're all part of that. These people aren't really stand-ups.

And they call like, I mean stand-ups all the time. And I've never seen them before. You too. Well, yeah. But I remember when you used to host the comedy store and you would explain to the audience that some of these comics coming up are fucking Hollywood comics.

And they think they got a cute haircut so they'll be good as stand-up. And so I remember you explaining that to the audience. So you were thinking about this a long time ago. Oh, a long time ago. Because I saw the differences. I saw the people that you could start telling the people they're going to stick around for a few weeks.

And you could tell the people that dove into this. And I've been wrong. Oh, don't get me wrong. Sure, sure, sure. I've been wrong about guys that are giving me ear beatings and I look for them. You know, I'm out and also Matt Fultron approaches me and says, my name is Matt Fultron.

You know, I saw you at Rogan and I really enjoyed you. I started doing comedy and I do this and this and this. I'll start looking for Matt Fultron. Just to see if you're blowing smoke up my ass. Sure. I'm a comic. And you also see guys that like don't have it and then you turn around maybe three or four years later

and they're just killing it. Killing it. Because they, that's the thing about stand-up that you're saying you actually have to face the reality. It's not like, oh, if I get an audition, I'll do this. Pretty much a couple of times a week you're going up and facing it. You get good really quick or you quit

because you can't deal with the pain. Unless you're one of these people that is just delusional and doesn't really know how well they're doing. Well, there's a lot of those. There's a lot of those. I came up and then with a lot of those. I just re-hosted the opening mic at the comedy store last Monday.

Oh, cool. And I realized that years ago if the list had 20 people, Lee and I'm not talking, eight of them were homeless people. Yeah, I was kind of disappointed that there weren't any crazy people that night. You know, crazy people and then. The scene was kind of, comedy was kind of dead back then. And so like, there was this weird homeless person,

like delusional, like I'm going to make it at the store thing. And a lot of people were homeless. We're really homeless. Or definitely a lot of people were crazy. I was homeless. Hey, I don't want to say homeless. I couch-served, that's for sure. You couch-served.

You were a different kind of homeless, I think. I lived in my car. Yeah, but you weren't like the crazy. No, I wasn't calling my hair in a fucking pigeon puddle. You know, but I was still homeless and that's, and I knew, I knew what it was like. And I knew what it was like laying in that car, thinking I got to put pieces together

to get into an apartment and what I have to do and get a security deposit. Yeah, that happened to me after I'd been out here for like 10 years and I'd even been on TV and stuff. Like, I was like, it wasn't like I wasn't working and I was completely broke, but I didn't have enough for like a security deposit and rent. And so I was just kind of bouncing around,

staying on people's couches and stuff. I bounced around for a year at him, man. No shame, because I think the people that let me bounce around on their couches or whatever knew how hard I was working. Last night, when I had the dinner, Lee was busy, I called him, he was doing something. So when I would felicia my wife, another friend of mine,

and it was funny on the way home, my wife goes, I have nothing against your friend, but there's like the third time you invited her out to dinner with us. And I was like, well, let me put you this way. She works 15 hours or 50 hours a week, and she makes a dick. And in 1984, when I lived in Boulder,

you know, I never forgot this. This is comedy 101 guys, okay? You can write jokes. You know what makes a comic good? The story I'm gonna tell you, you can write jokes and you can perform every fucking night. But what makes you really good on stage is part of this fucking journey

and getting to appreciate the big picture. And I'm looking you in the face like, man, Lee, Lee, I have nothing. I was making 10,000 a month and snorting every time or giving it to my fucking attorney for child support or child support. At the time, I was in my own personal part. How are you making it 10,000 a month?

At the sports betting service, okay? At the sports betting service, I met this kid. Doesn't matter what his fucking name was. Kid from Connecticut, he was, if I was 32, 30, he was about 32. His wife was maybe 50. The ugliest woman on the planet, but her parents owned a huge line of restaurants

in the up and down East coast and she was there and she got a paycheck every month that would make both of us gag, three of us gag, what they sent her in the mail. And he leached on to her, but he wasn't a bad kid. This kid was not a bad kid. He had a high taste of money and this was gonna keep him and he liked Porsches, those old Porsches.

And she had one, he had one, they had matching ones and they had the T-shirts and it was just crazy, but the point of the story is, I gotta tell you something guys, just so the people at home know the truth. I get home at night and I had the Rocky apartment that I lived downstairs, I had the kitchen, I never turned the stove on.

Did you have cuff and link? No, I had two turtles. I didn't even have cuff and link. I had a TV, a bench, a weightlifting bench with Olympic weight and I used it as a dinner table on the writing station and I had a couch and I had a bed that just fit in the room, nothing else fit in the room.

Like the bed was so big, it was so much bigger than the room that it just laid like that, you know? And I never cooked, I always ordered out or ate shitty food. Right, the life. And these guys were calling me, I had a pager and they would call me and I would finagle into the people that owned the houses,

the downstairs, they had a phone line, I'd call them back and I'd go, what's up? And he'd go, where are you? I'm home, bro. And he'd go, you hungry? He knew I was hungry. Right. And I'd go, yeah.

Why what's up? And he'd go, me and my mom are gonna come over and get you. You know, and I was doing stand-up then. I was really working, I was really working at that, getting nowhere. But I took them to a radio show with me one night. Somebody invited me to do it and I took them.

They had a car, they drove me. I go, I need a ride at 11 o'clock, man. They go, we'll drive you. And they sat there and they were like so happy for me. So they knew how hard this meant to me. And they'd call me, take me to the house, feed me, and then they'd both go to bed and fuck and go, Joey, we have 200 movies here.

Stay here and watch movies. We got weed, you got the balcony. I had to stay there till three in the morning in these people's homes, eat their food, smoke their weed, watch their movies. You know how many times they brought it up to my face? Never. She ended up dying and I sent flowers.

And he's still around bold and he called me once a year to say something weird to me or whatever. But dog, for six months they fed me. Three blocks numb with the coches. My buddies in Mississippi that, I mean, he used to have to pick up my daughter and bring it to my wife. Because the court orders said like,

I would go to the house at night and smoke weed and they'd say, do you want a chicken? You know, I didn't have money for food. But the point of the story being that this is what happens when you try. When the universe knows you're trying, it takes care of you. I'm telling you right now, if you really want something and you really work hard on it,

there's gonna be months that you'll light on the fucking rent, man. True, I've been through it. And man, you out, you out, car payment, bitches. You know, student loans, this shit adds up. I understand, nevermind addiction and fucking weed and booze, you know. Oh yeah, come on.

And clothes and transportation and car insurance. And there's some months that you get ahead and there's some months that, man, that somebody calls you on the 30th and makes your fucking month. Yeah. And that's when you become religious, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's gotta be a God. No, it's called the universe. Yeah, you know, when I was sitting there at that Atlantic City gig, hating life, thinking, what am I gonna do in June? I thought I was getting paid too. That's when I thought I was getting paid. Had nothing on the books for June.

Got a little text message from old Danny, Daniel Tosh. I was like, you know, you wanna go on tour with me next month? Fuck. Yeah. You know? That was in a month I thought I might be going out of business.

Put me back in business. I always think I was going out of business too. Like I'm three weeks away from going out of business. Right. And also, somebody calls you a gig in Arizona. Yeah. Not the best gig. But you're in business.

Not the best gig, but you're in business, though. You just bought another week of your business. Kaboom. But then I don't understand why people leave. Like, unless you're in the middle of a family. They were never in it in the first place, problem. But not even that, but like, let's say if you go out of business,

if you're gonna move back home and live with family, there has to be someone out here you could live with in theory. I don't think people are willing to get down and dirty and really fucking go through it. I don't think most people are, especially if you don't really know what you're doing in the first place.

See, Joe, you knew you wanted to do stand-up. You already do in stand-up. No, I didn't. Well, would you? I'll tell you what happened with me. Yeah, okay. Let's be honest. Yeah.

This is all I had, by the way. Yeah. This is all I had at the time. I was 32. I had families. No matter what degree I had, could I get a fucking job? Right.

You know, I was gonna be one of those guys with a tattoo working at Subway. You know, you ever go to 11 o'clock with that 50-year-old? I sure have. That has like a Pink Floyd shirt on. He was that cool from 1980. I call it the ghost of Christmas future.

But now life just moved a little too fucking fast. Right, right. And here you are at Subway Sandwich with some 22-year-old telling you to go and fucking mop. Because you wanted to party and go see fucking REO Speedwagon at the state fair, you know. Fuck that boss. I'm gonna see REO, okay.

You just lost a job making 22 an hour. But at least you got that cool tattoo. Yeah, but you went to see REO Speedwagon, you smelled my feet. No. They did the Adidas. No, I smelled roses, but. Sure, so.

I didn't realize your shoes were on. That was it. I had no options. I had no options. When I turned to stand up coming, I said, I've done everything. I've been a cook. I've been a bartender.

I've been security. I've sold coke, weed, shoes, neon. What did I sell? Insurance on the phone. What haven't I sold? If I go for this, I gotta go for this. Number one, I got a five-year-old daughter. That if I go for this, I wanna go for this

to make her proud. That was the original plan. Like, let me go do this. And I'll come back in a couple of years and I'll fucking put this whole thing together. It didn't work out that way. That was the sacrifices. Always gotta be a sacrificial fucking lamb.

There's a girl from who's left behind. Some of these feelings are hurt that you're making the move you're making. There's always something that's gonna be a little upset with you for you making the move you're making. Or the decision you're making because we can't please everybody.

There's always, we always have a friend who's a schlep who is too scared and he's never gonna get it together anyway. He's doing comedy too, but he stayed. He fucking stayed and did whatever and he had the excuses. It breaks my heart when I have a conversation with Matt Fultron at the comedy store. And I encourage him and he encourages me and we talk.

And then one day a guy like that disappears. And granted, you may be doing comedy and whatever hellhole you move back to but something just wasn't right. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, and I've seen a lot of guys and listen, what's the number one killer in a marriage? I don't know, money problem?

Yeah, that's what I'm gonna say. After a while, unless you're fucking retarded, you get sick of this. You get sick of this lifestyle. Only a retard like myself. So you're calling us retarded? I'm calling myself a fucking idiot. I've been sick of it.

Listen, man, I got into this in 91. I got into this in June of 91. All right. Between us, at the time I had it all. I had money in the bank, I had a truck, I had a car, I owned a condo, everything was beautiful. By October, I got separated. Now I had every credit card in the world.

That kept me going, 91, 92, selling neon, little bit of Coke, little bit of weed. You know me, I'm a renaissance man, you know what I'm saying? A sprinkle. Whatever you need to put together to pay the bills just to keep you alive. You know, in those days, it's very easy. Your rent is four, your car payment's two and a quarter.

Your Coke is. You throw 100 away a week on groceries. You're throwing a do some fucking, I would add it just like that from the jump. Why lie to yourself? That's how I started fucking month. When I was first going to the county, my rent was 400. My car insurance was 200.

The car payment was like 129 or something like that. Okay, I spent 100 a week on shit for the house. What's that? Fat tire? Yeah. That'd be a fat tire. Right. English muffins, shit like that bread

with like fucking cheese. America, that's all I had at that house, okay? I spent 200 a week on fucking food, easy. Which is really 800. Why am I putting 200 there? Right, a week? Let's face it. 200 a week on food, easy, we all do.

I think he said 800 a week. No, no, no. So I would say 12, two, three, four, 1400. We need another 500 for cocaine. $2,000, I'm really making eight, 50 a month with my job. We gotta come up and I would do it. Every month I would make the fucking difference up. And I would put it on paper.

Even if I had to bring a loan mow back. My first three years of comedy were combat comedy, Jack. I don't know what the fuck he talking about. Rent is due, bitch. What do we need to do here? Right. I don't know who's gonna announce, let's front it. Let's make one move, let's get out of this mess.

Well, you actually said something the other day that like blew my mind when you were driving with Felicia and you were talking about like, everyone has four goods and bads, like the cycles in their life. And for some stupid reason in my mind, like I'm working, I'm working right now. And I'm like, okay, once I get to where I wanna be,

it's gonna be smooth sailing for the rest of my life. And I never really understood that it was beginning. And like, so like now that you're saying, oh, well, sometimes the money problems make people go home, you're always gonna have a bill. Like that's when I'm slowly coming to terms with. No, no, no, no, no, we're not talking about. Well, yeah, I know, we're not, we're talking about

seven months in a row of minus a thousand bucks. We're talking of seven months in a row, you're at the store lingering. You know what I'm saying? You know what, I'm lingering in your eye. There's a lingering in your eye. You're looking for food, a gig. You're like, what bill am I gonna pay?

Do I pay this bill or do I pay this bill? What's the smartest move? And it's a mindset and it breaks people. It almost broke me, you know? It almost broke me a couple of times, man. I didn't tell you if I didn't have Terry, I would have been broken. They almost broke me.

At what point? There was a couple of situations where she, she bailed out that and Terry wasn't making money, guys. My wife was, she was a waitress. Three nights a week, four nights a week at the store. That's 400 a week, that's 16 a month. Rent was seven, the car payment, her school shit, you know? She was dead too.

We were both dead, dead. But, you know, both of us helped each other. We always made the seven, it was $600 rent. I mean, a retard could, you know, so. Yeah, but a retard wouldn't get sick of it. And that's $15 cents. That's $750 at the improv and $12, whatever. Oh, yeah.

25 at the lab factory. And then Felipe and Willie Barsana. Do you think it's possible to have a day job out here as a comedian? Sure. I recommend it. I did it. I did it.

I recommend it. It's not, there's a point, there's a point where you can't have a day job no more. But, but they'll let you know when that point is, it's cause you're too busy, you're not making too much money. So then why are they minus a thousand if they have a day job?

Cause everybody wants to be fucking lean out of the cap. Everybody wants to be an artist. Everybody wants to live in a Chelsea hotel. Oh, then it's their fault. Everybody wants to do blow, drink, and live like fucking Jack Stella, but they don't know that that costs money. Every time you don't go to work

and you sit there with that beautiful girl and you either pussy and you tell stories and you go to Chibo and drop that $60 lunch, that adds up. So I talked to Tommy Easton yesterday, for example. And I told Tommy Easton something that I found out that a lot of people don't realize why you got a job as a young comic in Los Angeles. You ready?

If I'm at the point on that right now, and I have nine people helping me in agencies and managers, and I don't go out for auditions, what's Tommy Easton doing? So I told Tommy Easton to get a day job. Something to supplement. You got a supplement. You know why?

Because it takes your head off this nightmare. One thing I learned from acting class, this guy, I just sat in on the class, Aaron Spiesner, I think the guy's name was. He goes, you're gonna be an actor? He's like, this is a business. And if you're a business, you need startup capital. Most people don't think about it like that.

They're like, oh, I don't wanna have a job and do acting, but it's like, you need startup capital. You need headshots. You need to do all that shit. They make you jump through. Remember when you had to buy actual headshots, Joey? Fuck yeah. You had to like spend money.

You always have to spend money. So it's 200 for the headshots. Then you take like an asshole to the age and he picks 11 pictures out. Each of those pictures is $8. Then you gotta take them back to him and then he orders three of them and it was 300 headshots for $99.

If you went to La Brea and Sunset, that was the best, behind El Pollo logo. And he would give you $69 plus 200 business cards. Right. You know. But those run out. Those run out. So every couple months you gotta go back and pay for it.

They don't know about all those little things. And you gotta get wardrobe. You gotta fucking get gasoline. You gotta do all that shit. You can't do it without income. And not only that, I want your head to be fresh. Yeah. Because when you're not working, guess what you're doing?

You're at home thinking about what you ain't got. You're stressing. When you're not working, you're at home thinking about what you ain't got. Exactly. I don't give a fuck who you are. When you're at home wasting time in the daytime as a fucking Joe artist, I'm Joe artist.

I'm gonna take watermelon juice and throw it on the wall and it signifies. I get it brother. Is this a Joe artist originally? But how are we gonna fucking pay the rent? How are we gonna pay the car payment? Listen, go over where the Agostino was and sell duct tape on the phone.

You're still gonna walk out of it for 500 a week part time. Go over here on Cawinga. You sell fucking ads for the cops. I know people who have no teeth, who smoke crack tape all night. They walk out of it with 800 a fucking week. So-

I'm surprised more comics aren't Uber drivers to be honest. If you're gonna- More comics are Uber drivers. You're gonna fucking sit there and just vegetate and write two fucking jokes and tell yourself how good you are that you're gonna make it with this hot fucking blunt. Listen, that dream goes away fast.

I'll tell you what. I had a half hour special under my belt. Fucking big tours, lots of work, tons of TV appearances. 2013, I still took a job. I took a job because I didn't want to be like, how am I gonna get to the gig? I took a fucking job.

And you know what? I wasn't happy about it, but I did it. Got to take a job, man. I held the job till fucking 98. And I got no problems with no qualms of telling you people that. I started in 91. I held the job pretty much till 98.

I was selling cigars. I sold other shit on Sunset. They had little offices everywhere. And when I got here, there was a guy on Melrose, two blocks down from the improv. He paid you 10 bucks an hour cash at the end of the day. Cash. 50 bucks you'd walk out of there.

You walked in there. Well, you know what I mean? I walked in there at nine, for what? To call fucking and make insurance appointments. It was just a bunch of fucking desks. And if you got two an hour, he gave you another 50 bucks. How many times I walked in and out of that two o'clock

with a hundred dollar bill in my pocket whistling. And what was I gonna do for 92? Watch the news. Nothing. Jerk off. You're gonna jerk off. Fuck the people. I could call them from there.

I could use their fax machine. That's another thing. So you're doing me a favor. That's another thing. I used to use off all the fax machine on the internet. And it got you up early and calling people. Yes, you gotta be a mom. Remember, I tweeted you at like 7 a.m. one morning.

It was cause I was at that job and you called me up and you were like, dude, you wanna work in Irvine? That's right. Cause I was the only comic in LA up. So I got the gig. That's right. That's right. That's right.

But I'm telling you, my biggest advice, I mean, unless you, listen, you come out of here, you sign with three yards. Yeah. They're gonna get you something to cover the nut. Right. You know, there's management companies that all they gotta do is pick up the phone,

listen, Lisa, what are you on down there? We have a stand in. It's three weeks, but it pays three Gs a week. Send them down. Yeah. Send them down there. I want them to see what the set looks like. The kid's from fucking Jersey.

He never did none in his life. So for three weeks, you go down there and make three Gs, eat good food. And now that Lisa gets a ball going. You get an apartment, and even then, let me see. I'm with three yards. I'm with Prince of Pitoy Young.

I'm with one of these big management companies. They get your job right through the door. That's what it is to be a manager. Like, listen, all this is great, but what do we got today? Who can we call today for a quick gig on that? It's like Richard Pryor said, hey, that's really great,

but what are we gonna do on Monday? Yeah. As in, how am I getting paid this week? This is it, and that's what, that I always knew I couldn't go back. Like, I knew I just wouldn't go back to Boulder. I could lose it like that. And I wasn't gonna go back to Jersey

and people gonna ask me, hey, so what happened with the stand up? Ah, you know, it's rough out there. And they wanna know because they wanna justify the fact that they never left. And I'm gonna go back there and just tell people for the rest of my life I was in the Adam Sandler movie.

And I said, I don't wanna be him saying like, that was just one of my years. Were people roaring against you, do you think? Not, maybe not outright, but they do wanna know that, oh, taking chances doesn't work. They kinda want that confirmation. No, I wasn't gonna go home.

Just, it's in my DNA that I was just not gonna go home hit. I was taking something out of here, a wing and arm, a leg. I was taking something from me. I knew that going in because of the type of personality I am and the people I had in my life. I had, when I told people I was involved in this,

I didn't tell nobody for the first four years. That's a smart thing to do. I did this very secretly. It's like when I went to jujitsu first three or four months, I didn't tell nobody. Nobody needed to know. Let me see if I like this before I go tell them people I'm gonna be doing arm bars.

You're smarter than me. People will be like, my first week doing open mics, people are like, what do you do? I'm like, oh, I'm a comedian. I did comedy for maybe two years. I was awful. I had a couple of jokes, you know. And I went home, my friends asked me in 93,

what are you doing now? Like I'm trying to do stand-up. And they go, you know they do stand-up, right down the block. I'm like, where? I'm like down the block. I go, yeah, yeah. No, I'm gonna just say like, no, no, no.

Meet us there tonight. I get there's like 20 of these fucking savages that are snort and blow. And the guy's name was Gonzo. We're still dear friends until today. Is it because of his nose? No, you just call him Gonzo. He runs a bunch of comedy rooms in Jersey,

if you ever need work. Oh, okay. I'm gonna call Gonzo. Yeah, he's got a mall. He's got one big show down to Jersey, sure. And I went up to him and I go, hey, my name is Joe Diaz. I've been doing comedy for two years.

And I got on the show. He goes, this is a public access show. He goes, this is just for professional comedians, man. I'm sorry, but give me your number. And I'll try to get young. About 30 minutes later, the guy comes over. He goes, amen. I'm putting you up for four minutes at the end

because your friends threatened me. So he put me up. Nice. And it was brutal. I didn't know. You want me to tell you something? I did well in front of my friends because I made fun of my friends.

Right. I talked about Labrano that he stuttered. You know, except when you give him the crack pipe, then he don't stutter. And he's like fucking Pavarotti, singing Oscar opera. So they all laughed and we got it. And then I got their support.

Once they saw me kill, but my friends, if they would have seen me bomb the first time, oh, every time we're gonna get three drinks on us, they would have started on me. But we do talked about that. You know, that joke wasn't that funny. Oh yeah, they're those type of people. So.

So you had to do well. I kept them at bay for a few years. Do you understand me? Because you need to get in there without your friends and loved ones putting their input in. They might even tell you not to do it at all. So how do you do bringer shows then? If you can't tell your loved ones.

Well, you don't have to do bringer shows. That's number one. I did them in New York. I did them here. And I brought some of my friends and they go, oh, we liked it. You were funny, but that guy at the end was really funny. That's the thing.

And they would bump me out, but I go, hey, my friends are here at least, and they're here supporting me. And someday I'm gonna be that last guy. You know, for some reason, I never had patients for anything, but when it got to comedy, since I hadn't had patients with anything else, I started to get patients and I asked a lot of questions

and I kept my mouth shut, but I knew all along that everything else is bullshit. It's about getting on stage. I'm happy you had it set. It was, I got there an hour before to set things up. I do. I wanna be around. Get on stage.

And then comics asks me all the time, how do I become a comedian right all day? Get on stage every night. Easy. And well, hard, but that's how you do it. You used to do with me. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Dropping it like a motherfucker.

Let me get some shout outs here. Kevin for coming back and setting the camera up and some albums on the wall. We got Santana of Praxis and Led Zeppelin II and Sabbath Bloody Sabbath and Death Leopard High and Dry. Just did a fucking great job. I wanna thank my man, Jeremy Slagoth, my main comic over there in fucking Vegas,

tearing it up, Freddie Correa, talking left while I got a call. I go to bed early every night, so I don't call him no more. I used to call him after midnight and talk shit with him for like an hour. Edward Spartan, Pat Shea, another motherfucker making it happen with a real estate suit,

fucking podcast, Peter Mandebaugh. I love you, cocksucker, Aaron Heath, Mark Thomas, Akul, Tessa Padino. No, Tessa Piano, I love you, cocksucker, and Chris Davila over there in Austin. Keeping it down for us, Lisa, you bad motherfucker. There you go. You had me on the press, you're not barking tonight.

I thought the girl broke your heart. No, I was barking from the street. Fuck it, Jack. Fuck it. So you're back now for how long? Yeah, indefinitely. Okay. You know, this is my home.

How long have you been doing stand-up for now? Since 1998. So 18 years this year. And how's it feel? It feels good. When I'm on stage, you know, I feel like I got some chops, you know? I feel like I do something special.

I'm going through peaks and valleys right now and I'm weighing a fucking deep, deep hole with comedy. I did the thing. It's funny, because when I was up there on stage with Joe Friday night, the material sucked, but my experience got me through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could feel the experience getting me through,

you know what I'm saying? Like it was just weird. Can I ask you a question? Could you hear it? It was echoing to you as a performer because I've never been backstage with like, at a theater like that. And it was like, I don't know.

I don't think I could have focused and been able to, like it was really coming back. Were you in the audience though? No, I was backstage. It's completely different. Yeah. Theaters work completely different. You know, I'm thinking of shooting the special

and South Point was too big. You know, and I had some ideas of where I was gonna shoot and we had to change everything. I was talking to Harry. And Harry was like, what do you really wanna do? You know, where are you your best? And I narrowed it down to the best three comedy clubs that when I get on stage, five shows, it goes down.

Like they get me from beginning to end. There's never like a ooh, or an ah, or there's no be politically correct, or I really wanna do it in the comedy club. I don't wanna do it in the theater. I'm not effective in the theater. Not at all. Oh, it's a different thing.

It's like when I go for Latin auditions. When I got a call and it's for Hector, and I can tell the agent, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The more I read it, I go, this is a waste of a drive. I'll tell you why. Because I have zero confidence in Hector. As me playing Hector. I might make it a producers because of my chops.

But once they look at me, they're looking for a certain type. And even though I may be Cuban, and my last name is Diaz, I don't look like what America precedes me as fucking Hector. Do you follow me all the way to the end? So I know this going in. It breaks my heart when I have to call an agent back and go, hey man, I'm not going in for that.

So I tell him right from the beginning, don't send me in for Latin auditions. Because I'll tell you I'm gonna go. But that night after I smoke a joint, I'm gonna tell you to go fuck yourself. I'm gonna look at where it is and realize traffic and think about it and you're a dead man. You talk to your agent like that.

You say after I smoke a joint, I'm gonna tell you to go fuck yourself. I ask him, I ask him a different way. Yeah. My commercial, like I'm debating whether to sign up with a commercial agent right now. Right. But if anybody knows commercial auditions,

they're a fucking pain in the ass. Uh-oh. Who's there? Oh shit. Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. If you know anything about commercial auditions, they're really a fucking pain in the ass. Sure they are. It's a, it's a big,

you gotta go and sign in and they're running late and it's always on the fucking ocean parkway. There's 80 hectares there. Yeah. And you gotta go down there and then. So I was thinking about it the other day, I'm like, ah. But it'll also get you out of the house. It's part of what we do, it's a number. Sure.

You know, that's the other side of it. You never know who you're gonna meet. You never know what those partitions are. You felt like you did something. Sometimes you go to those stupid commercial auditions, you bump into people. I like going over the one over the brand. That's the best commercial spot.

Cause I go downstairs to pick up, I pick up a little something for the cats while I'm waiting. It's not a waste of a fucking day. Well, you're always gonna see some ass there in a comic, you know. Oh no, there's always, and it's funny because when that kid won the Oscars for modern family, the chubby gay guy.

At the end of his speech, he said, I just want you to know, this is calls from my agents. I went to every audition I was sent on, even Ocean Avenue on a Friday afternoon. That's how common it is with people going, when I got down there. And Ocean Avenue is very easy. It's four or five to the 10 in the way back.

It's a fucking nightmare cause you gotta come up with that bridge. There's an earthquake. You start thinking about San Francisco, against the Oakland, fucking whatever. It's a couple hours getting home. It's a couple hours to get home, especially on a Friday.

I used to work all the only time, only work in LA for TV's in Santa Monica, like 90% of it. So you just get stuck. I would just stay and watch movies. Yeah, that's the move. That's the move. And that's why even like Damon was always smart.

When Damon was always unemployed, he always stayed busy. That's how all these podcasts started, man. I used to go, why does Damon do this shit? I'm collecting unemployment. I'm at home smoking dope all fucking day. But if you don't do something, you won't generate work. That's the thing. Sometimes if you don't have any work,

just, and you don't even have a spot, you just go out to the improv or the store. Next thing you know, you're working that week. And right away we're back to nothing happens on the couch. Nothing happens on the couch. You might be on the couch. Yeah, I'm on the computer sending out resumes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You fucking, what's his name called? He tells you he's on the set. Go down and eat lunch for free. Yeah. You're gonna bump into somebody, you know, and they're gonna go, hey man, they know you weren't working. I'm shooting a movie next week.

And there you are going, Jesus Christ. I'm gonna sit home and tape, afford a patch of the Bronx and watch that for lunch with a tuna fish sandwich. Nothing happens on that fucking couch. But the universe will give you back. Sometimes the universe, the other day we were talking about giving you the universe a wig. Sometimes the universe gives you that big back.

It's like putting money in the bank sometimes. Sometimes out of somewhere, the fucking, it just repays you. Some of you bump into them and go, hey man, didn't you shoot that video with me? About a year ago, yeah, we sold it. Give me five minutes, I'll give you a check. And you're like, holy shit. Just cause you went out that night or did something.

I went out one night, years ago, broke, 97, broke, broke. I send out one of those backstage stupid things. Backstage comes out here on Wednesdays. Most people buy it on Thursdays. I was always ahead of you. I came Thursday at five. Wednesday at five, I was there about Wednesday about six, 30, 7-Eleven, Kersan.

I would run home. Dude, that's where I used to live. Kersan, the best place in town. That's a hot little block, Doug Stanholtz block. Down the middle of the block there. And you run back home and I'd fill out those things. Or I'd bring it back, go out, get coke, do a spot, get coke and come back and stay up till four.

And I'd do eight submissions. You know what, if you send them out Thursday, they get them Friday. And they call you for an audition on Saturday. They don't have big budgets on those. I'll never forget that. I went for one of those and on the way out there, he goes, come here for a second.

Give me a name, write it down here. You're not right for this. And he goes, this is gonna suck. I'll never forget this. Saturday at gardener's stages downstairs where at the end of the audition, they sat us down and said, by the way, we're giving you each a paperwork. The only way you get booked in this movie

is if you get investments. That was 97, 98th. That's how crazy this town was then. How much of an investment did they want? 5,000 to start. It started at 5,000 to get a role. And you went to audition. And after 5,000, the more of your donation,

the bigger the role got. So people were actually trying to get investors. That were the actors in this movie. I'll never forget that. Me going, what? Are you fucking crazy? So. How do these people who run this scam sleep at night?

On the way out to do the assistant to the dude, pulled me aside and he goes, listen, I'm shooting something next week. You're fucking perfect for it. Right down your number. And I thought it was bullshit, sure. And then at 11 o'clock Saturday night, calls me up. He goes, listen, man, can I meet you tomorrow

by the coffee bean on the sunset? I go, sure. I thought he was like a creepy gay guys on the side of my dick or something. I got that guy. That's an investment. I got that guy and he goes, listen, you have to sign on him.

I think that's legal confidentiality agreement. Okay, I signed the thing. He goes, you're going to be working with two actors, well-known actors. You can't repeat this. You're going to shoot a scene from a movie so we get foreign investment. You're going to pay the clap.

You're going to pay a New York City cab driver. I'm like, okay, when do I do it? He goes, right now, we're going to go get your wardrobe. Follow me in your car. We're going to get your wardrobe and it shoots tonight at one in the morning downtown. Like it was harsh, fucking harsh. No permits, you're saying?

No, everything was on the level cops, but they didn't want nobody to know that these people were shooting this. So it was like maybe six people on the shoot and they gave me, it was two nights. I think they gave me 500 bucks a night or something. I had one line and when I got there, it was Michelle Pfeiffer. And the dude who was a James Bond for a while,

good looking dude that had the show. Timothy Hutton? No. Can you say this? Pierce Bronson. Pierce Bronson. It was 1998, it was going to happen, it was going to happen. Okay.

And there was a movie about, she's an actress, a well-known actress and he's a theater reviewer. And he gives her a bad review. And that was, it was like a love story based on that thing. Right. And I picked them up at the theater and dropped them off.

He gets in the cab, they get to an argument. That was it. I shot the first night. The second night they wired the cab, we did the inside. I got home like a six in the morning. They fucking paid me cash. No excuses, no mailing address. They just started peeling off hundreds.

And I went home and I never heard another fucking thing. I never saw the movie developed. So obviously it didn't get made. So that's why I could talk about it. But if I wouldn't have gone to that Saturday morning or audition at nine o'clock, I would have never got that. Yeah. Do you follow me?

I was, we were talking about counter-surfing. What'd you bring Damon? Oh, look at that. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Damon showed up with donuts. Dozen donuts. Well, you did kettle bells today.

You could fucking kill it. You can have about eight of those. I'm trying to be good. You're trying to be good, well, I'll have one. Trying ain't going to work for you tonight, you know what I'm saying? Do you guys hear about the crazy thing people are doing to fast food restaurants? What?

What? They happened all over. It happened a couple nights ago in Minnesota. They're calling and pretending to be the fire department saying, there's a gas leak and we need you to break your windows or else your building is going to explode. There's video of all the employees smashing the windows and the fucking manager

rammed his car into the building. And it's fucking making it look like six different fast food restaurants costing like $10,000 worth of damage. It's fucking crazy. It's just for sport. Yeah. How are you? People work for Indians.

So people were saying like, hurry up. We just got to call from the fire department, break all the fucking windows. Yeah, I hope this is a fake story. I think it's real. I thought they get the Guardian. It's a real story, Damon. OK, thank God.

I don't want to get those tweets. Wait, let me do it. Let me check. They did it in a bunch of places. They did it in Tucson. They did it in Phoenix. And they did it in like Merino Bay, California. And I think it was Minnesota.

It was this one. So they've done it like, people are just somehow convincing them that they need to break all the windows. Fucking hilarious. Matt Fulton, why are the depressions when you talk to me? Oh, I know, I'm tired of shit. I told you I've been doing my, all I've done since I got back is work on my taxes, which fucking ultimately,

I'm wondering, what's the bill going to be? I don't want to pay it. Whatever it is, I don't want to pay it. And so I'm worn out from the calculator and the receipts and this and that. I've also been getting up early. That's not my style. Fucking worn out, Joey.

That's all I can tell you. You know what, brother? It gets easier. Paying your dues and that's all that fuck. No, I mean, the reason why I'm not looking forward to this is because I had a good year last year, which means this is the time you hate when you had a good year. You're wishing you had a bad year all of a sudden.

My god, damn it, really? That's how much and you get the bill. You can't believe how much they want. Even after deductions and the guy always saves you 20 bucks, you're like, can't you save me some more shit? Yeah, I know. You know what? Take that fucking sheet out of there.

Throw me that pandemic over there. I remember in 91, I was working right before I got fucking divorced. I was working for my in-laws and I had like a year before I made good money like legally guys. I curbed some fucking cars. I worked as an estimator. They paid me good money.

What I paid, fucking, that pushed me over the top. Like the first time, I was like, I can't believe. They didn't take taxes out right away? Or you calculated that? No, they were paying me like 900 a week and they 1099 me at the end of the year. You got the bill for half. For half of what they get to do.

And there's still potholes. And the first year I paid it, but after I got divorced that year, I ripped that motherfucker up. I'm not sending this in. And I got a return from them that year. And then the following year, I'm like, you know what? I ain't sending nothing and no more.

And I didn't send taxes in from 91 to 2003. Did they ever call you? Yeah, yeah, they called me. I was a fucking ghost dog. Listen, there's a way to live and there's a way not to live. I can teach you how to be a fucking ghost. Did you not hear me say I didn't even get mail at my house? What do you, where do you get it?

I would get it over at Gavin's house in those days. So I lived on Schrader. I lived in the other side of Hollywood, but I got mail on Schrader. So did Gavin get calls for you? No, and I put like a fake number. If you call my number in those days, unless you are an employer,

it was very rough to have my number because it all went through a pager. It all went through a pager, my friend. I screamed everybody like a motherfucker. I heard a club owner recently told me, and I'm not gonna mention any names. This is a comic on stage. He's headlining.

He's in the first two or three minutes of his set. Somebody walks up to him and hands him a piece of paper and says, you just been served for child support. My man got fucking busted and served on stage. And he still had to do like 42 minutes. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Let me tell you something. You guys have no idea what it's like to owe every credit card.

I don't. In those days, I used to be an open mic MC at the broker on Tuesday nights and I dated the owner's daughter. Now, when I started caving in, owing money, there was no worse feeling I had. When I started caving in, I'm like, the first day I couldn't make that first credit payment.

It destroyed me. It destroyed me. Then they went into five days cause usually give you five days. There was no five days. I went to 10 days and I knew I was done. I just went through all of them. I had 19 different people calling me,

but I don't know if we had a specific night when I got there and the girls that I was dating came up to me and gave me a sheet of paper. And she goes, this guy keeps calling here from American Express. You know, says you owe money or something. I was never so fucking embarrassed. Right.

This guy got my fucking number at... Dude, same thing happened to me about three years ago and they started calling my family cause Fulcheron ain't exactly a common name. So my folks, my brother, they're pretty easy to find. That's fucking embarrassing too. Couple of years ago, I'm shooting. I go down to Hollywood.

Some fucking Jericho tells me to go to this dentist. I go to this dentist. He does me a solid. Then I go back again. He breaks me on the root canal. No, no, he breaks me. He goes, listen, you need a root canal. I don't do root canals.

I go, what the fuck are you talking about? He goes, you gotta go down the block. There's a guy waiting for you down the block. Right now, I already called him. He'll do the root canal. I said, okay. Now I got sag insurance. I go down there to root canal.

Whole fucking thing, pay him, whatever the fuck you pay up front, whatever the fuck you pay him. Cope pay, let's say you go home and they bill you. I never got a bill from these idiots. Never got a bill from this motherfucker. My wife called, they said they sent it or whatever. We never got it.

Do you know, I'm fucking shooting a commercial, a sprint commercial, and my phone's buzzing. I pick it up and it's a collection agency. They mailed the fucking check to the wrong place and they just took me right to fucking collections and I'll call them once or anything. And here I am on a fucking set of a sprint commercial, getting embarrassed on my own.

And this motherfucker kept calling me. You know what he called me and my agent, you know what he did? He got my agent's number and he called me. They have a way now to get Lee's number and call me from Lee's number. A burner. So you'll pick it up.

A misdirection, yeah. You'll pick it up and they'll go, Joe Diaz, it's Damon. You owe American Express $8,000 and you're like, I took this with Lee. That's how fucking crikey they are. The best part is about calling you though is even if it's your friend,

you're gonna go, what's up, cocksucker. So at least you're starting the conversation off right. No, no, no, no, no, I get him. Because they always call looking for Jose Diaz. Ah! So they expect some guy saying, oh, you go, hello? King, I'm like, hello?

And they're like, is this Jose Diaz? And they go, no, it's not. Well, he gave this number. This ain't Jose Diaz, dawg. Let me ask you something. Do I sound like fucking Jose Diaz, dude? Don't call this fucking number no more. And they disappear, it's beautiful.

It's like fucking poetry and motion. Yeah, I need to change my name. Yeah, Jose Diaz with the accent. So they call you looking for Maria Consuelos. You know, they're expecting to hear, hello? King, I don't know, no, it's not, what are you saying, the way?

Nothing, they just fucking, you just talk to them like, there's what's going on, guy. There's no Jose here. Do I fucking need guitar music in my fucking house? No, what name do you use when they do call me in it? They don't ask. Oh, you know, like I'm not Jose. I'm Mike George. I don't say nothing. You're not supposed to say Why can't you dig? I didn't say nothing. Yeah, the whole day unless you pay. Are you Jose? It doesn't really matter I'm not Jose. What is your name? It doesn't really matter doesn't don't call this number. No, bro

I'm your favorite Fucking favorite, what's wrong with you do us both and don't stop because they're like they'll tell the boss This isn't him. I just called. It's a fucking white dude. That sounds like us. Wow soprano Yeah, Jose Diaz. He's a Spanish dude. No So I throw him the fuck off. What do you think you're dealing with guys? Come on. Come on. I've done it. It's better than you Joe. I've done it the cops like Jose Diaz. No What's your name Mike Ferguson, where's your idea my friends come what friend Matt Fulton? Where is he? I don't fucking know he's on curson. I

Want to eat his house last night? He took the fucking car and what do you think I'm doing here stuck? Why do you think I'm fucking here because I want to be your officer and you start talking just sell it Should be you gotta sell it if you don't sell it. You're not gonna get nowhere Listen, they caught me in a hotel room stealing the San Francisco and I talked to two cops out So chasing the fucking maid I went into her room with the keys She went they went to go in their room. I locked the top fucking lob on them. They went and got the cops I was in the third floor. I couldn't jump off the fucking building I talked the fucking cops out of I was running down the hallway and I took towels in the maid chase me

They didn't want to fucking prosecute. I've been in the building for a month. You have no fucking idea But you got to sell it. You got to keep fucking selling We're gonna take me down for fingerprints now. They got me, but even then I'm not giving you dick You understand me even now won't break you ever see Rambo in the second one When the Russian had the big knife and they said I put the fucking thing in your eyeball He didn't break the Japanese chick shot into the building and saved them But you know the break you just keep riding that mother right? That's why you're good at auditioning right away Yeah, even when they show you the paperwork

Even when they show you the paperwork you could I'm still fighting Would you say the cops again to get out of it? Which one in San Francisco? I told them at the maid that I'd taken towels from the truck and the maid chased me. She was really mean Uh-huh, and I ran into the fucking room to hide And I thought she was gonna go away. That's when I was in the sneak out. But in fact they came back with the cops Right cops listen to my story. They did the NCIC. I told my little the building the landlord came up and said he ain't no problem He's been here for like three months. This has never happened before right Then he let me go the landlord came over to me goes this wouldn't be what who's robbing?

What's his name? There was a bookie in the building. I'd clean him out every Monday Yeah, those football tickets like an old guy, you know before 500 bucks. I was a chump, you know So that's when he put it together and I left No, I didn't leave I stayed there the next night He knocked on the door. He goes. Hey, I just got the call from San Francisco police. I want to know if you're still here the people with Germans And they went to the embassy and told their story and complained So they called the police department. So they're not gonna come to the rescue for burglary, but there was nothing missing from their room

So that's why they couldn't arrest me at first. So now the Germans got so mad. I was in their room That they were gonna come to arrest me. So by the time the cops got there to arrest me I was on a bus to fucking Reno Jack I Around the corner. I was a Diaz fucking in route to Reno like a fucking doctor It's crazy, but you have to sell it now. You're dead Now they take it to the sea in the old days you went down and got fingerprint unless you stab somebody in the eye It wasn't a priority. It went into a stack

Why is it different nowadays is all because everything's a computer, right? So as you put your fingerprint in the old days They took ink and you put your finger on it and then you put it on a piece of paper Right, and you did this you put a piece of paper in today's world Once you put your fucking four fingers on that pad Everybody gets alerted. It's the fastest credit. Right. You have no fucking idea how those fingerprints go through the system Instantly and they start picking up little thing now. It's a complete different world Now they have a problem with identity. They just say listen, you're going to the station

Well, listen, don't worry about Matt Fultron's car and his license. We're not going for it no more Come on. Yeah, they take it to the station. They put your fingers on there Ask you if you say who you are. Are you the full charge are you the full charge? I mean no, no all of a sudden the sheet comes right in front of you, right? And there's the kid who robbed my identity who fucking he used the bank card He got arrested one time and he used my name and the cops knew he's Italian and they're like so your names Jose Diaz Like yeah, he kept saying it. They came back. He said they came back with a scroll And they're like your Jose Diaz, let me tell you a little bit about yourself

They just started dropping charges on them where I had warrants put on a pot of coffee and after about 20 minutes He started yelling no No, it's it's amazing what's on the computer now, but I know for a fact a lot of the things I did early on disappeared There's so many things that disappeared in the beginning. They never made it to the computer never made it to the computer Thank God Well, does it still affect you know didn't that destroys me was the car What car I left the car one time I? Walked away from the car Damon. You know me. I don't fuck around Damon. I went to start at the last melt some smoke. I heard

I fucking turn the car off dog and walk away and walked away went to the train took the train I said fuck it. I'll come back in three days Wrong answer, but the time I got there was a skeleton. It was a fucking skeleton. Yeah, I didn't call the bank I didn't call the cops. I was 19 when I give a fuck Never never did I hear word one? Not word one about that car no credit report No, nothing. Did you have payments on it or was it yours? And you just didn't call anybody

Colorado right I just picked up a month later move to Colorado I got time for this shit paperwork and those days I didn't believe it none of that shit next time you're in say you're gonna get a call from New Jersey I Got another call you're doing a Chrysler commercial This is what's ideas. I got another car one time all right Nice car, I'm gonna get to specifics I was a little crazy

I just got divorced. I said, I'm gonna get a fucking badass car in Boulder. I got a badass fucking car with With us a tremendous sound system and a CD player And I went and bought a bunch of CDs and shit. I ran this car Like a savage. I did 90 everywhere And the snow and finally I bashed up the fucking ring And I was in a robber dealership and take one of their cars and switch the rims because the rims are $2,000 apiece. That's stock And I ruined two of them. So I was down four G's. I haven't made a payment on this car in six months I had to put the car in the garage under a fucking tarp up to under a tarp

You have no idea everybody was looking for this car and one night. I'm sitting there scratching like a fucking Junkie and I'm like, I gotta get a package because for me to get my dicks up from this girl I show up with a package right even if it's a live even if it's a little package And I said well, and I went in my drawer and there was checks and discover. Oh Yeah They send you when you get the car and you can just write checks with them like their money and I'm gonna tell you some I hadn't paid that discover card and like 120 days and I took that check and I wrote it out for a thousand bucks Yeah, and I took my fucking chances

A little bit. I know I forgot it was the same check. It was the same bank. What took the car? Okay, so This is how we're talking I am people. Let's just let you know, you know You're not dealing with no fucking genius here and I It's 12 o'clock at night. The bank is open till I'm lying to you guys the bank is open till 12 on Saturday nights I'm gonna fuck with their world. I'm gonna show up with this check at 10 to 12 I show but the check I write my account number But the check in

All of a sudden they go Mr. Diaz, how do you want this? I Go, I don't know because I told I'm gonna put 500 in the account. Just give me 500 cash All nightly there was $100 bill to get my party started This bitch looks back to me see go so how much do you want to put in the account? Like how much do I need to put in the account? She goes just a hundred. We'll give you $900 cash Give me the fucking 900. I Tore out of there when you got an eight ball. I went right to the broker. I got fucking lit that

Monday at 901 my fucking phone ray And it was the bank going hey dog. Listen We got a fucking problem We could call the cops on this But wouldn't that we're gonna keep this in house We need you here in one hour 900 cash So just bring a bunch of coke dog. There wasn't a dime left

Had so many things going on yeah, yeah, yeah, it was like Robin Peter the paypal. Did you get late? Yeah, and I walked into the bank and he goes no, we're gonna do is just tack it on to your bank. Well What I got on to the act the car won't is that this bank stayed up till midnight on Sunday Saturday Fridays and Saturday, so they're up to some shady shit, too It gets better about this bank, but hold on that car I had to drive that car to do comedy and that's it besides that was like I'm telling you it was in the fucking garage Closed blocked with two cars the people who live in the apartment with me That car finally got fucked up. I was gonna put the rims on it when I left. I just told him it'll pull it outside

Don't be here. I mean we it wasn't outside Three seconds. Yeah and fucking everybody was there looking for that car. It was amazing. They had binoculars It was fucking crazy And I was so happy the moral of the story is do you know, I've never heard about that car again Really never came back on never You think that's because of the bank was so fucking cool well that same bank a mother year later Believe it or this one. Yeah, the drive-through was very popular. Okay. I had a lot of drive-throughs. Okay, so some fucking genius Because only a genius does this type of shit. He

Stupid people carry guns And stupid people rob people for the wrong reasons this guy robbed it, but he's planned it out He went to they had like six lanes And he went to three of the lanes and he put a color for them What the women in the window? Don't you think that after an hour or two you wonder why isn't somebody going down my lane? Yeah, and then they put a sign that said the window is broken. Please put deposits in the box And they cleaned them up the bank didn't know for six hours

And only Gentiles because only trusting white people Just hand the money over outside the box. No deposit slip. There's come on. How many times do you go to the bank? They at least got a deposit slip. Yeah No, the pot that he even wrote something on that What we know your deposit slip by the time you get back to your house something fucking ridiculous, right? They had that place surrounded with fucking Duck tape they fingerprinted or anything nothing. It was like an unsolved mystery and bold They estimated I walked out. They were nine grand. Listen, it's peanuts

Listen, I'm more grand than I did yesterday. You know what I'm saying? No fucking weapon involved. No nothing All you're gonna do is come on. That's what in the box. Yeah, that's great. That's genius Yeah, it's brilliant He could he could have done it for longer like he could have been more money I wonder if he stayed and watched Like I just imagine how would you translate that today like an ATM machine? Like go right over here to Lancashire And put two signs and said put this in this metal box

And screw it into the wall so they can see and screw it into the wall It's all the people would leave that money in that box I don't think as much and run it all day monday like on a monday. No friday When people have the lines that I guarantee people get off the lines and go, why are we waiting on here? It's just a drop of money in here Do you think they do it out here? I was gonna say maybe they guarantee anyway with this Gentiles They're looking around thinking that everything's beautiful You know those people walk around. Oh my god life is great. The whole fucking deal

Those are people that don't actually need the money on the check. Well, they do But they're not paying attention to what's in front of them. They never really You know every year how many old people get robbed on the phone by people calling them up and making investments on them It's the oldest fucking scam in the book, you know How many people we all get an email once a week from Africa Oh, yeah, our friend of ours got stuck at the airport and they need money quick Give him your number and he'll gladly pay you when he returns to the states, you know You know, these people got a fucking set of balls, but yeah, he emails 150 people somebody it's mass marketing

It's mass marketing. Yeah, it's like those guys on twitter. Hi. My buddy got hit for you know, what I call gofumbie Okay, you know joey. I'm when they say when they only mentioned my name I know they're lying. Right. Okay. What you do is go to that page And if the last three days all they've been sending it out and retweet and matt fultron Lisa iat retweet damons wicker retweet That's a scam You know, I got contacted on twitter. Yeah, that was it. That was it. That was the last time I gave it to a gofundme Unless I personally personally personally know the people

Because I got in trouble because I gave money Yeah, and I think they made like what they do is they set it up for fucking one day Listen, man, they pulled on three bills. There's three bills in but there's something weird Like they pick up the money that's supposed to I don't know how the fuck it works But still who gives a fuck you give them money They do with the 10 different accounts They set up a 10 different accounts and they get 10 pictures of people getting hit by different cars And they put them out there and they put a picture with a cane whatever the fuck you got

And suckers like me and you send the guy 50 bucks Well, speaking of taxes, there's that like the irs scam like he gets called like you get a call You're you're gonna get audited. You're gonna go to jail. You have to wire us this amount of money Like the like I saw some posts on facebook about people are getting these calls all the time Anytime somebody wants money and you click on something I say fuck that I go right to the website the website that I know Somebody tried to hit me up with paypal The other day and they were like

We need you to log in because there's some some irregular activity on your paypal account And I didn't fucking log in on that. I went to the real paypal site. Everything was fucking legit. I don't know I've said I told you the other night. I don't click on the not 10 I'm gonna be as honest as I can on the podcast right now. I don't click. Okay. Let me see Let me tell you how this starts. Let me tell you how this and I love you all But let me tell you how this starts people I click on to yahoo. I put my code and I click on to yahoo

From yahoo. I look at the first five sentences and anything If it's nothing I got to do with me I click right on top, you know That's a lot man. I go to facebook. That's a facebook. I go to twitter Then I go to gmail if gmail ain't got nothing for me. I click that and I put youtube in And that's it so If you send me a link To look at you keep playing the drums

It's not gonna get ahead I'm just letting you people know right now twitter facebook youtube the message gets erased Unless I personally know you I don't touch nothing Don't touch nothing. I don't give nobody codes I don't give a fuck shut it down bitch. Let's see It's all a scam you wake up once a week. There's a fucking scam from facebook or something Nothing, I don't I don't click on I just erase and take my chances

Do you add anybody on facebook because I do and it's it's it always bites me in the ass like if someone wants to be my friend I'll let I'll say yeah And then the next thing you know, there's like advertisement for nikes I mean, I got a screening process, but still Well, anybody that's really hot That's really actually a dude. Listen. I know most of people I don't think I could take no more people on facebook like a facebook to lock me down. It's all shit. So I just have to be friends or people or something. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know nothing

I just keep a light on that show. I don't know nothing. Yeah, I tell me every day I'm gonna tell you who harasses me that I could press charges on Lincoln didn't Lincoln didn't harasses me every fucking day If I was a half a Jew, I'd get Lincoln didn't take them to court And and then now they push the soap be what do they call themselves? The social network. It's a bunch of bums that aren't working that want to come invade your fucking privacy like rat 85 I don't want these fucking kisses of death around. We were just talking about kisses of death. I don't want these people around

So stop hitting me up on Lincoln. I'm not even opening up that account I don't fuck with Lincoln. I'm having a professional as you're a fucking moron. You ain't no fucking professional I don't fuck with Lincoln the instagram. That's my dog. That's my dog. Mikey podcast 101. I can't take pictures I'm not gonna take pictures all day and send them to people. That's not gonna fucking happen I'm not gonna sit there and take pictures. I can't I'm too old you tweet every day I tweet in the morning. Okay. I tweet in the morning If you tweet that you're gonna be in wisconsin, I retweet it for you because you're family, right? But I don't do it for everybody else. There's certain people I retweet shit for

Because if not people take advantage of you next thing, you know, you're retweeting your whole fucking life I don't want to retweet all day. You gotta have a positive thought on there yourself. Yeah Or something fucked up league. How many donuts you leave only when I had a blueberry one was delicious Did you really leave? You can't wait to get that box home tonight. You're gonna tear those mums. No What'd you do with those two donuts you gave them to the mom? She loved them. I put them in Tupperware And they were great. You're a good fucking man. Yeah, how many more pounds you're losing? Uh, I'm still I'm only back down in 230. I fucked up a little bit. I would have like 235

You look thinner than before man. No, he looks very good. He's doing the cattle balustry So you've been going three days a week for how many weeks in a row like five or six weeks Look at god bless you. That's fucking good. You're doing the protein powder from doce. Mm-hmm. You're a new fucking man My very donuts. Yeah, that's why it's fucked up. You're a funny motherfucker. Thank you, man. I appreciate what's on the goddamn horizon from Let me see what other donuts you gotta make as I'm stoned That fucking edible in that hash kill me. Look at that. He brought maple donuts. We're fucking killing it here I'm gonna take one of these little jolly. Yeah, nothing little about that. What's in here? lemon

That's good news apparently Is that what you had late? No, I had no I had a regular blueberry. I had like a blueberry muffin One it's great being a fucking stoner though. You had no self-control in there. Yeah There's nothing you can do That's the hardest part. You can't get full either No, you don't and when you start and especially something sweet you're fucked because especially when you do good all day And then fucking Damon the sweetheart brings two dozen donuts over you're like you want to kill yourself because it's like so hard to say no Yeah, that's a bad hangover a donut hangover. No, it's the most delicious one

I used to get when I was like 315. I just get a half a dozen donuts And just eat them within a day not not within a sitting but within a day. Ah six donuts What's that right? What's that? What's that for breakfast? I'm good, man. I ain't into sweets You guys go crazy try for you to get into sweets because Damon brought the fuck some good to the death of him. All right. I did some kettlebells today I got some sun out there. I did some sellers on 25 pound kettlebell. Thanks, man This is what it's all about getting stoned and eat with family, right?

Everybody wants to do is be sure about eating fucking Damon brought donuts What are you gonna do? I'm gonna turn them down. I'm gonna give a fuck tomorrow's another day. We start from scratch I go to jujitsu tomorrow lunchtime. That's how we do it. That's it. Nobody gets that feeling certainly say No, they should try. No, that's it. You went to class today. Oh, yeah, and you fought for your fucking light I'm gonna eat another one because I don't give a fuck It was a good class. What's that? What's that third one? Yeah, my dinner was counting I didn't even have dinner Come on, Lee quit being a bitch and come on

Wait, there's a maple syrup dog and you know that old you know that old-fashioned Joey You throw him out the door put him by his car No, Joey save him. We can do them for Joey. They're a good way that way that's where they're from Uh, please don't back know This is like one of the best shows I've ever done. You know why because this is as simple as it gets there's no drama. There's no facetious people trying to be fucking

You know trying to make you feel bad. We smoke dope and you make mistakes And you eat good some night. She bad some day. She good. I ain't good all day for it. What do you have? Open it no bread I didn't eat good today at all. Hey, good job I'm gonna slice the pizza That's good for breakfast Frozen trader joe's chow mein god knows what the fuck that is

And then a yuckers taco on the way over here Which is borderline? Let's just borderline. But now with the doughnut It's officially a bad day. It's right in uh, those feel us Like right on uh, hollywood after hollywood starts to curve. What kind of taco did you get? I got a steak taco inside Yeah, you got proff the hook. Yeah, it was delicious. I had oatmeal. I had a fruit smoothie without him milk Believe it or not. I'm really like a nose And a mixed berry one with cherry

You know for breakfast, it's got high sodium. So you take a gigantic shit And then what I have for lunch out of chicken color sodium make you shit. Is that not sodium? What are you the other word? I don't know whatever when you have the other fiber and then I my wife went to food went to a restaurant last night and she brought chicken parmesan And it was the smallest piece. I hate that was it I shot to my meeting. I didn't eat down there. They had food there like animals And then when I got home, I had something else

She made steak with a baked potato And I ate half the baked potato and she cuts the steak into little cubes like medallion So I'm gonna fuck with it And she recooks it for me. Now usually I put it over white bread. I didn't put it over white bread I like to grease from the stink to go into the white bread. Do you follow me? That's how a professional does it But I didn't take it to the limit like that I'm trying to cut down on the carbs the daemon shows up with the best donuts in the fucking world Once I got 300 milligrams of me addables

We got reefer. We got hash. You can't show up with donuts. You gotta show up like apples, but hey At least he's like the three wise men. He showed up with something, you know what I'm saying? Right? He can't be mad at him for that. So I'm pretty fucking happy people get down on their cells and they I don't you know, you know why because I won't go get another donut We went the other night got one fucking donut But we drove for four fucking hours, you know on the way back That's good exercise. We could have gone the guy we could have We could have gone to a fucking bar or something

You know, like it sounds stupid But that was hard for me to have two donuts in my house because I fought you I didn't want to take those Doughnuts in my house because I thought I was gonna eat them. Well Felicia bought a half a dozen So she comes back with a fucking half a dozen go buy one a piece. I can live with one fucking. Yeah, it's like a sociable You know what I'm saying? It's like you can't eat a lot of donuts because the cops are out You can't drink beers right because the cops are out. We can't have three beers. So one donut's always good Nobody gets their feel listen if you eat two donuts every fucking day for breakfast and two more for dinner There's not enough sit-ups. You can fucking do in the world

But two donuts twice a week, especially on workout days, you know, because I look at it this way Let's be honest here When I was really smoking though I wouldn't even have shared that box with these fucking motherfuckers, you understand Oh, I could have done it. I would have done eight. I could do eight of those I can't lie. You want me to lie? You did that this week with a nice bag of chips Why you gotta ruin it? Fucked up the fantasy. No, because you do because that's salty

Get the fuck out of here. What the fuck? Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here You fucking sit there with a chocolate shake With the remote control. Oh my god And you get that box and you open that fucking savage up and you got a bong next to you We're a little container and you look at that box and you say we're going deep right And that's it. That's too much and then you go running for 14 hours. What too much sugar You ate fucking three tacos and two other things. You told me you're fucking mcdonald's menu one time Oh, yeah, it's terrible. My head almost flew. How much sodium do you think you went to sleep at night with?

Oh, the thousand two thousand fucking grams same thing, but these you know, listen, man I'm just saying to you and from my mouth that'd be too sweet What about for your asshole? Would it be too sweet too? He must shit great if you have a bunch of donuts and milkshakes That was tremendous. It's smooth. Yeah a nice vanilla shake thin Okay, briars ice cream some good fucking whole ice cream and a milkshake. Oh, you talk about how you make it No, come on A little fucking briars, I mean

Wash down the ice cream with milkshake and on this day and age you listen. There was no fucking There was no diabetic packages in my house. There was only real cane sugar like a motherfucker that one of my milkshakes in those days There's two types of milkshake. There's healthy milkshakes And there's milkshakes to make you see the devil The healthy milkshakes you put the egg and protein powder and eight ounces of milk and You put a little bit of fucking ice cream and you put wheat grand grant wheat grass in there It's like being in purgatory, but you you want those devil, but then you have those devil milkshakes That's just pound for pound milk

Ice cream and sugar. That's it. That's it. That's it Takes you with a box of those fucking donuts We're like the mechanic on with charles bronson. Are you fucking serious? Oh, yeah, who's gonna stop you, motherfucker? Nobody Nobody cocksucker Matt full trunk. We're happy to have you back. It's great to be here man. It's great to see you guys Hopefully you'll be at the store with us fucking around I think I'm gonna stop by on wednesday Whether I got a spot or not. I won't be there wednesday this week. I'm only there thursday and fucking

Saturday i'm in vegas on thursday. Where you at vegas? Uh, I forget i'm opening up for your boy. Tommy sagura. No, shit. Where else? Uh, i'm gonna be in spokane after that with tommy, too Uh, the week after that It's gonna be a good time You're doing it, man. Oh, yeah fucking dream. That's all about it. It's weird when you see like, uh A bum like me. I got the wife and the kid now And now I look at like the other day, uh, you follow what's going on in the u.s.c. The other day chris moineman

I don't know and the other guy had a chit chat and he told me you can't be as good as me because you have a family That's not always true though. All your time goes into your family. You know, I have no responsibilities or whatever But it kind of is because I wish I'd go on a road. I wish I'd go to vegas And have to be in new york the next week. I wouldn't stay in vegas. I'd go to new york early and step down for three days And go eat and fuck around on the spot You know, I can't do that. I have children, you know, and I wish I did, you know Some happy I do, you know what I'm saying? I mean, trust me my plan my original plan tonight

Was to go see david gilmore. You guys do know that like for the last three months. What happened? I had a meeting today at 12 o'clock that I couldn't reschedule again till like may 14th or something Fucking just may 10th or something crazy. Yeah I felt that if these people worked as hard to get me meetings If something happens you cancel it But not because I'm gonna fucking drop $2,000 on my family's money to go see pink floyd Right, but david gilmore, right? Do you know what I mean? Like I fucked up when he came here and he wasn't here

So you were gonna go out of town to see him. I wasn't gonna go out of town I really my plan was really to go home and see my buddy james and Little timmy and I think a villa was gonna go and then this other guy Focke roccio, but then When I hit up folk, he said he couldn't go he had to go out of town for business. Yeah And then james was gonna go the whole time. He was gonna go alone And he's gone to all those concerts alone was as we kids And I talked to a villa last week and he was like i'm not going

Which shocked me Shocked me because he was doing that Took me to see the wall. Oh, yeah, like I went to see the wall with a villa floke roccio Jimmy labrano Jimmy labrano out it since day one. He's he's just got a jobs driving a truck For 22 50 an hour. So he's like, I ain't doing shit. Right. I gotta be on time at this So then It was down to us three folks that he was out a villa. So he was out

Now my buddy james. That's my brother. I would have gone with him. It wouldn't have made a difference But then I realized I had the meeting on that fucking day You know, and then today I talked to him and I went on the page room. You know, there were still tickets available I mean, there was still Third row tickets at the garden really It was 600 dollars Fuck That shit was 600 plus a plane ticket plus a plane ticket a hotel maybe for two nights and and and you miss in the meeting

That's money right there. Fucking, you know, no guys. It's fucking it's la and donuts man. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, listen I feel bad just another brick in the wall anyway. I'm not the type of guy that That could look at my wife and go, you know what man, and it's on a personal level It's not like what she would be happy. I'm happy with right if I went home. I could sell my wife anything My wife was like every other wife in the world. She just wanted to be happy She's gonna pull up the fucking terry doom shit For a few but then she understands, you know Oh, my wife is terry doom, you know, she'll find the worst thing and bring it up. Yeah, damn. That's the chinese woman

I said, I go you gonna you go to the county school. She goes. No, I go you should go to the county school There's a lot of asian can be as a couple chinese people She goes and my wife is like, yeah, it's a 16 hour flight Who the fuck was talking about the flying the choker's a fuck about flying to china I told her just to go to the fucking thing last night. We're eating dinner. She starts with the 70s About cnn and this people there were 20 at the table. She's talking about cnn in the 20s. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Nobody's even talking about the 20s. The kid's got the earphones on Felicia's looking the other way. You know what I'm saying? What the fucking dog? I couldn't say that to her because you'll kill me

But you know after that persistent shit, I could tell my wife my wife's dying of mine She ain't gonna fucking be mad at me. I'm with my friends, you know But I can't justify that my world like to come home and go. I'm taking this money out of the house account No, because I want to go fucking see david gilmore. You know what take a 20 go buy the fucking out Right, come back. You listen to the album playing backwards. We'll light on fire at the end Yeah, let's get a fuck while but you want to take a fly back lose time See nobody, you know, you hate flying. There's one extra flight. You want to fucking do it? So it's a good thing then Yeah, it was a good thing. I feel bad for my brother james

I feel bad because Today when I talked to him, he was You know, he's gonna go by himself. It's tonight and tomorrow night saturday. He was at radiosity musical Mm-hmm, which that was the night to go right that was the night to see that motherfucker radio so Don't feel bad. The other guy floyd couldn't even make it. You know, man. I fucking saw him when they were pink floyd You know, I have a couple things. I'm very proud of that's one Yeah, I could always that always wins every argument. I fucking Roger waters wasn't there

Yeah, don't feel bad, you know when people talk about concerts You just gotta drop pink floyd the wall first fucking night. That's it. I trumped your whole fucking show dog Because they got a flying pig and stuff. What do they got? What do they got there on the stage that night? Well, for the wall, there's a bunch of like theatrics and stuff, right? It was brilliant. Yeah, it really was brilliant. I bet it's on youtube. I should probably just check it out What was brilliant about it is that? If you know anything about the wall, it's four album size. It's two albums Right four sides. Yeah, and they went up there

Opened up like, you know Like nothing they basically went up there And played like nothing was going on now. You're gonna hit it acid This is what I forgot. This is what the tv When people go i'm at home watching the movie the wall ask me how many times I've seen the movie the wall How many times? Not even once not even once because never The reason why there's no reason to

is basically because Everybody missed something You know, listen, you were not going to go see pain for it without a hit of acid like At least I added you come to see David Gilmore with me You were doing a hit of acid. That's maybe even two. That's the rules. They got a hit right on right on the ticket I assume you lick the ticket We don't even play around There's no I wouldn't let you go. I wouldn't waste that ticket on you

You leave you out in the park. I'm gonna ask you before we get in the car. David We're taking liquid acid. Yeah, I gotta go to work. I want to stay home, bro I gotta tell you up front because I don't want nobody to freak out You know something like this comes We're taking ahead of acid. We're just going don't waste my time. I can't hear a story Too old it would fucking break my heart if you told me some bullshit story. This is pink fucking floyd. This is the only way to do it Okay, so It had all this shit, right?

It had four Four fucking sides, okay This is the beauty about pink floyd The wall that would nobody will ever understand That didn't go see it Four guys come out. They're playing Okay, you're on acid You're on acid. You've been smoking dope all day. You're on t.h.c. crystal

Okay, here we go. His Gilmore right off the bat. How old are we? 15 his Gilmore right off the bat 16 He introduces himself right off the bat Behind them. There's a screen Okay, and it's just throwing Right now. They're just playing and it's just throwing Fucking uh I'm sorry. It's throwing. Uh, it's throwing. Uh, it's a deep song. What do you call that shit? Uh,

You know those hippie things those tie-dye Yeah, yeah now You're on acid And t.h.c. crystal So you start watching this hippie design And everyone's in a while you're like holy shit. That's music Let me go back to the stage And here's roger waters his david gilmore his nick mason and you're watching them

You know and in those days there weren't screens around the auditorium that you could watch the man But this was the brilliance about the wall that right here All of a sudden A bunch of midgets come on dresses dwarfs Okay All right, okay, and these four savages are on stage playing this This is what the movie doesn't show you this was nothing shown And all of a sudden they lay down one block at a time guys

And they're doing all this And they're not even paying attention to the midgets but the midgets are over by the side And this is on the live show this is on the live show could have been midgets to come be people dressed in green Doesn't matter they're not reacting To these fucking people right they're just down down down down down Down down and all this shit now listen You hear like shit's going down right that screen is coming at you it rocks and shit

Like rocks are coming at you right like it's just ending like you don't know what's going on and all of a sudden Oh good lover And all of a sudden is what you hear and they just stop you know And you're like what happened and you're on the acid and they're doing all this shit And those midgets and he's stopping right they're putting and all sudden a plane comes up from behind you A fucking plane is right there you hear that fucking plane He's right there and he's moving very slowly. He's fucking coming and all of a sudden He's ready to fucking hit and fucking bam

It's you just sitting there And there's a woman on stage rocking this fucking baby, where'd she come from who the fuck knows? I didn't call him up and ask him the midgets brought him And all this is going on with this woman and guess what the midgets haven't stopped They're building that wall and they're building that wall and they're building that wall and they build around them This is fucking an hour in They build around them You know now they're getting on some ropes

And then Floyd's not seeing this They just keep playing they just keep playing And this is what people at home will never understand the brilliance of that. They demolished you People went home after they did five shows people went home and said Listen man. I know you're cleaning sober. It's over Because what they're doing is a mind assault on your fucking they did it perfect. Here we go This is like a midget come by with a fucking piano and shit and there you are like what the fuck am I watching? And that screen's still going dog

And they're still building and they built To the end till he comes up with comfortably numb And now they're singing it from behind the wall The wall was an idea that they Roger Ward is such a scumbag And such an egomaniac that he goes I love playing music. I hate playing for these pieces of shit I wish I could build a wall And separate myself from these pieces of shit. That's the truth. That's the fucking truth

so The ultimate thing was for him to play side four Is basically done behind the wall And then until comfortably numb When Gilmore does his guitar solo and They show him on top of the wall

And that's can you imagine? So they have a portion of the concert where you couldn't see them Yeah, but sit barrett is on the side eating a box of donuts, right? Sit barrett is gone. Sit barrett is gone. Right sit barrett Sit barrett disappeared while they were making wish you were here. Sure. Oh, yeah in the 60s. Yeah, right He showed up at the student. He was unrecognizable Than this Okay, so you're seven minutes in This is the hottest song on the radio at the time

This is all they play from the album came out november 30th We went to see in february 15 to 16. This is all you heard. This is a brilliant song. It's just brilliant And it sounded just like that dog Do yourself a favor. Let's end the fucking parody press in youtube february 17th 1980 Nassau coliseum pink floor. Why are we putting ourselves through this fucking menagerie?

Well, that was a good description though. I gotta tell you but but yeah, let's check it. It's brilliant. Yeah, yeah, yeah And and here's what baffles me about this. It's on YouTube I have your show my show you were at. I've always asked steven villo My friend who I went with who taped it and who put it up Because you guys didn't bring your iPhones at night. There was no iphone in 1980 There was nothing but there were stores that you went to that they made the fucking uh They they specialized in the underground. That's so crazy. Who the fuck do you guys think you

Who the fuck do you guys think you're dealing with you guys think i'm some fucking amateur here? No No Look at that I Isn't jersey, right? That's good. I think they just recently knocked it down I stayed but I did a club there one time maybe two years ago and I stayed the whole time Do I skip over it a little bit? What's that? Should I skip over a little bit? Sure sure, but just

Seeds I So they do this album four albums front to back in order to the t This is the show you were at not these show but one of the they taped all of it I I want to see these little construction workers See right now they probably won't sing show Because this is the beauty of Pink Floyd. They had the camera on waters

Right the camp the the the lights on waters the drummer And you all can play but the midgets were starting on the sides, right? It's crazy how they got a job in show business, but now they have to do manual labor I was thinking about that that must be kind of a shitty job. I'm gonna fill up that wall every night I want to make really light He was 30 these guys were to the fucking t-lays and gentlemen, that's what was so amazing about them. No, it sounds like the record every other con watch But the visual is so bad, you know, you don't even see anything at this point this thing is 30 years old

Is there a plane? Yeah This is just too much, but you don't see nothing at this the quality A friend of mine that I went to a concert with because like 80 of us went from my high school I just went with four other guys. He sent me this one of the one they have Did that dark side of the moon the wall live 227? And uh, 1973 that's it You gotta look deep on there. I do want to show you guys something pretty fucking intense Just so you guys might learn some

What are you looking at? You're looking at the stars over there Damon put on whipping post by frank zappa. Watch this You know, I went to frank zappa's house one time. Did you really was he alive? No, he was he was dead, but uh friend of mine was dating his daughter It was a weird house all kinds of like weird dolls and decorations. This guy's a fucking nut. Look at the top one And I mean this fucking guy could play a goddamn fucking guitar I mean they do it too They do shit. I don't like they act like fucking jerks, right? But besides that I'm talking about zappa playing the fucking leads on the guitar

Pretty badass Lord Yeah, I hate all this shit Why do you hate so much too much the act But zappa ain't fucking around good time, buddy I didn't know zappa was that good a guitar. Yeah, man I Put this on today now one person reacted to

Like frank zappa is like a dinosaur in today's And yeah, a lot of people don't know about him and he would do perfect today Like if he came back today, if he was alive today and he played at echo park Right one week. This is echo. Yeah, this is the type of shit. They do an echo put the sound louder here. Watch this guitar play I This is all zappa playing the lead on here. He's got like 19 motherfuckers on stage. Listen Oh Yes, that bad skills man, he could show up to echo park looking just like that

I See all that type of shit right crazy. I want to shoot a motherfucker, but this is real right here I'm talking zappa tastes it's another fucking level. I had no idea man. Yeah, man Listen, he didn't last as long as he did because he was a dud His music was not What most people consider what they like. He had a weird taste it was off the wall and it was like Is off the wall all that shit, but this is real People act that way because they got chops not because they don't have chops

Right, it's like when a painter is really good at painting and then he's like Well, I got to do some weird shit because I'm bored with this regular shit I love to see this I hate covers I like interpretations That's how weird to you. No, that makes perfect. I know a cover. I know an interpretation This is an interpretation you turn off Because of his guitar playing he may he interpreted into his own Yeah, there's a big big difference between interpretation and a cover people always send me covers a thing They drive me fucking right. They drive me fucking crazy, right?

You know, uh, you know what does good covers that dude from the black label society? But he does all Aussie shit right covers like Aussie stuff. He read does it. He does a good job You know who does good covers? Led Zeppelin. Yeah, they do. They made a career out of it a career the fucking doing covers But they've been smart lately. They've been putting the songs. They did right. Yeah Have you seen that on video with jimmy page? He just put cashmere up He told how he got the riffs to cash me Well, he released it on the movie with jack black when they did that movie a heavy pattern

Play it loud. Okay He he and that movie he does a segment on how they came up with cashmere. It's fucking brilliant He just right now. He's got to stay with it. Now. He's just say what happened. Yeah Yeah, yeah, he breaks down stay with him right youtube to say how he came up with it How you know people could say we robbed it what studio musicians don't speed up music Right. That was my fucking idea. He did all that. Yeah. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. I fucking love Led Zeppelin I love Led Zeppelin. I don't care That's how much I love. I love them to death

And there's people that boycott them. There's people that send me fucking hate mail. They're only hurting themselves if they Love, you know, I love Led Zeppelin Because there's one simple reason why the live The live fucking album and the live footage the live footage When you see what jimmy page and him do but what you have to really accompany to is you have to get the night In 76 when robin planted the king biscuit flower hour, you could find that online You could find that online. All right, listen to that interview and then watch that movie and listen to what robin plants saying

He's talking about song remains the same that movie You know, and there's a bunch of different cuts, right? Like but there's the sketch cut But that's the one I saw. I also heard that Led Zeppelin remastered it And when you watch it now, you can see that's completely off like yeah, the music is still there The voice is still there. What's matter Lee? You know, we're sweating bullets thinking how can I have another donut? No, I'm sorry. You look thin. Have another donut. You never eat your skin and bones. You have a donut

Look at you. You're looking like a mama. Look at you. Give him two donuts. Yeah, you're gonna. You're gonna die You're gonna wither and die a fucking reefer hit you. Come on. You gotta tame that fire dog. No, you can't take my sugar Oh, no, I think you can't I think you can that's that's Mexican sugar. That's not that shit you get from these I don't think we've ever know look. Yes. It does. It's a big fucking difference That's he's definitely high. There's a certain way he talks. Let's fucking do this stuff Matt Fultron, let me tell you something Larry you're coming back to town. Yeah It made me very happy. It makes me always makes me happy to get a phone call from you and uh, You know, fucking tickle pink, man. I don't fuck around. I know you're not. It's the real fucking Mohicans

And uh, I got Lee here. So I know you were coming back. Listen. Fuck it Joey doesn't fuck around. He says when you're gonna be back. I love you. See you later Easy. That's how he does it. No drama. Why exactly? I love it. I love it That's why I don't want to fucking fuck around with this shit. But anyway, you know, like all great podcasts even though You're having a good time. They all come to an end. It's true You know, I gotta go home and see if these steroids are gonna let me fucking sleep now They told me these things are not gonna let me sleep. That's why these are these doughnut steroids No, no the steroids

I feel like I'm growing already. No, no, no, no, but anyway, listen guys, let me tell you something You know, we're always trying to push food on you because we're a bunch of fat fucks Sometimes we push healthy stuff on you and it's uh, you know, I I like blue apron I'm a believer in blue apron. It's the calories are low, but there's something else. I'm a believer. I'm a believer in Uh, for you people don't know at the church what's happened now is brought to you by naturebox.com Dedicated to making smart delicious snacking easy You deserve better than high fructose corn syrup and red eye Number 578 nature box snacks taste delicious without any high fructose corn syrup

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And shipping is a hundred percent free. So right off the bat. We're sending you we're saving you money and for couples Helix customizes each side of the mattress Personalized to suit each of your bodies the way you both sleep So the helix customers report a 30 improvement in overall sleep quality You have a hundred nights to try it out. And if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free and give you a hundred percent free refund Okay, no questions asked. That's why everyone from gq magazine to Forbes. They're all talking about the helix sleep So do me a favor go to helix sleep dot com slash joey and get 50 beans That's $50 off your order. That's helix sleep dot com slash joey

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Did you see he's ready to go see pink floor? He is he's ready to fucking do something He's got a bed on that helix mattress. You're fucked up I love it lee when you get fucked up And I want to scratch some more ash when the camera's off. Oh good You get another fucking donor knock yourself out. Who takes care of you more your uncle joey If you mother fuckers that don't know let me let you work. What's cracking up next fucking week Buffalo, New York All right next thursday friday saturday the 21st to the 23rd and the following week I'm a cracker than indianapolis. Boom. That's right bitches one of my favorite fucking joints in the country

Next week. I'll be in buffalo eating fucking beef on wick like a motherfucker. You understand me Fuck the way watch your point Fuck the donuts. I'll be turned it up and buffy. What happens in buffalo Stays in your asshole. You understand me. Where you at the next couple weeks? I'm in vegas with sagora. I'm in spokane with sagora. Okay, but who the fuck goes to spokane me and tom? He's going like a bow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I love you guys at all my heart. Thank you for always giving us the opportunity To entertain you on a fucking monday night. What's up, though?

And for people the video is gonna be on his video. It's gonna be on vimeo No more youtube because I'll take this down. So we're gonna stream on youtube play videos But we're gonna shoot the video vimeo and put them up. All right. It's joey. Coco Diaz on vimeo. All right I love you guys. Thank you very much for watching See you wednesday night. I'm gonna blow your mind with the guest on wednesday night. So stay black This show was brought to you by helix sleep Go to helix sleep.com slash joey right now to get an additional $50 off of your first order And that's on top of the hundreds of dollars helix sleep is already going to save you on their very nice

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