Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #372 - Eddie Bravo

Episode Date: April 18, 2016

Eddie Bravo, Owner of 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu , joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   The Sixth Eddie Bravo Invitational takes place April 24, 2016 at the Orpheum Theatre in Los Angeles, CA and being streamed live for the first time on UFC Fight Pass.   All info can be found here: http://www.eddiebravoinvitational.com/   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first two meals free!   
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 04/17/2016.


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blue apron dot com slash joey and the show is brought to you by on it dot com go to on it dot com and he's called word church to save 10% on all of the great optimization products like Alphabrain new mood shroom tech immune and shroom tech sport oh shit what's up that's the rooster baby I'm sorry I had the wrong sound plan no shit no shit you threw the whole fucking patois off and I had it off doesn't matter it's Sunday night special edition the church you're gonna wake up Monday morning you're gonna go bam there's a new motherfucking podcast with the rooster on

oh shit get that joint out of the ashray who gives a fuck we'll get another one at five you know what I'm saying who gives a fuck burn that motherfucker down you ain't going into that office straight put up with those fucking people talking about that weekend I went floating I don't give a fuck what you did did you eat somebody's ass that's what it's all about baby let's do this shit why i think kids are you fucking kidding me if you got some fucking sleeping pills take them down they don't get no better than this what's up lisa and I had a great weekend I I don't we never even talked about it I wouldn't got the suits I wouldn't got the suits I had some suits this weekend

went to a great uh Paul had a party for her law school it was a lot of fun a bunch of young fucking criminals and shit in law school eddy bravo in the house yeah getting ready for you so when you joined john john who was there then who were the black belts at a big time how many students did you have at that time there were no black belts it was just john jock johnny machado higgin machado carlos machado and haja machado all up there in the beginning it was all five up at that tarzana no actually it was no when you originally the original one was uh redondo beach that's where all the brothers were and then they they wanted to expand so then they opened up the one here in uh tarzana uh but they all lived in redondo and they didn't want to like drive

can you imagine the 405 trying to make that six o'clock class and you live in redondo beach it's a fucking night man how long is that that's gonna take two and two hours at least oh i was gonna say two come on you're trying to get from redon you're trying to get that six o'clock class so uh they didn't want to make the drive but you know then they would take turns but on on on wednesdays they would all show up to tarzana you know what i mean and that's where i went i went when they were i joined when they were making that trip all to tarzana on wednesday oh wednesdays like 50 people in class they knew they were all gonna show up and then john jock ended up you know like like everyone you know carlos went to texas hodger he actually quit jujitsu for a

little bit um i don't know what happened there but and then john jock decided uh hey i'm just gonna take that tarzana school i'm gonna move out there so he moved to the valley and he took that shit this is my shit and higgins stayed in redondo he he he kept that one carlos went to texas johnny and higgins were in redondo for a while and then johnny ended up opening up his own spot in culver city for a while and so at the end of the day you can't have five chiefs in a school you need your own school every black belt eventually when it all comes down to it you gotta have your own school you know you got your wife your wife and you know your family and what is the process of that like i've always wondered of when because jujitsu is kind of

weird in that a student can just one day decide oh i'm gonna i want to have a school and it's like who do people tell you to do it like how it's kind of weird to even talk about starting a school you got to really want it uh some people are good enough to teach and are black belts but they have other careers or you know one of my black belts amir alarm who's fighting in a ebi six he's a seismologist and he was training with me while he got his degree at usc and now he studies earthquakes so he doesn't want to open up his own school and he doesn't want that so some people do it just for fun but like it's the type of person to open up the schools looks to someone who wants to do it full and i understand i almost understand that that they want to do it full time but it's a

weird it's a like it would be like joey opening up see first off i gotta give a lot of credit to adi i gotta give anybody who when they were blue belt or purple belt go you know i'm pretty good at this yeah open up a school because if you think and see what what's helped martial arts the last 20 years is that fucking computer behind you because i fucking i don't even know my trainer thought i'm so fucking hot it's really easy to learn jujitsu at a rapid pace uh online on instagram i learn a lot of stuff on instagram those little videos and the and they loop it's it's a perfect training tool for jujitsu because the loop that a 15 second loop you see a technique and you get to see it you have to see it 15 to 20 times to ingrain it in your brain there's so many things

going on you have four limbs every limb has a job your head has a job your hands have a job and your legs what are they all doing no one's taking any time off ever no limbs and your head doesn't take time off ever so when you're trying to learn a transition or set up you got to keep track of what everything's doing and then you know and then it's better to feel it too so you feel like how hard you know you have to squeeze or whatever or how you know but at the very at the very beginning if you want to steal a move off off videos you got to remember what all that whatever one's doing you know you got to be able to teach us so instagram's beautiful for that because you get to see it over and over and over and over you just sit there and watch you don't have to keep pressing play

again it's a beautiful thing for jujitsu it's huge for jujitsu see i don't think i was terrible at jujitsu like and i was in class if i tried to learn it online i think i would have lasted a quarter of the time that i did and i wouldn't have known anything because that's a whole thing that it's jujitsu was for me it totally depended on the teacher it was a totally different experience depending on the teacher i learned more with certain teachers for certain reasons and then a certain school has an online course but and i don't to me unless you i think unless i think you're advanced i don't know how videos would do it i think videos would be way too well let me clarify something i'm not talking about instagram and and jujitsu videos that's an aid right okay

you can't do that and not have to go to school you got to have a group of monsters that you roll with if you don't go to school at least you got it if you're telling me you got three or four guys that you're rolling with three times a week then i'll take you seriously but if you're talking about jujitsu you're talking about jujitsu in any kind of a opinionated way and you don't roll shut the fuck up right i don't want to i don't want to talk about it not not not like you no no not like you i'm talking about i'm talking about like uh so what i'm saying is when i'm talking about uh benefiting from instagram videos i'm already assuming everybody knows yeah you still got to train with a bunch of animals that's just to help you a little and you totally could have said that

to me and it would be right because i don't know all the big teachers now have online classes it's amazing yeah but you that's a supplement there's no you actually you get made fun of if you claim to be a jujitsu practitioner and you actually don't go to school and you just like watch videos and practice on your sister or by yourself nobody would it take anybody like that serious ever it's like the karate kid the guy in the karate kid was trying to learn from a book and he had to go to mr. Miyagi to learn like it's and it's crazy how you did you both you need both it's like uh like going to college is it do you need the teacher i mean you could you could go online you can read them books no you need a combination of both and i've spoken about this before but it's and then

when you make the next step to a teacher the teacher just even based on school to school or program to program or gita and nogi it's complete it's a there's like 10 or 20 different jujitsu every person's different well that's the art of it that's the art of it that everybody could apply a different style yeah eddie's armbar is completely different than henzo's fucking armbar and the but the result is the same and that's the art of it my thing before was i can't imagine being a white belt walking into a school getting your black belt and then one day going you know what i'm gonna go open up my own school because it's a life of suffering for a few years the internet has helped the income of martial art schools now and in many ways that they could get videos and and dvds and

all stuff like that but you know they just transition into a martial art school is very hard you know people have started in basements and then they move into a dance studio then they move into a taekwondo space then they pack them up it's a fucking big move man well eddie you started in like your renting space from another gym yeah i was teaching jujitsu at an existing mma gym uh initially was the bomb squad that's the that's where 10th planet started bomb squad was at muay thai academy and they wanted to start a jujitsu program they asked me as a brown belt if i wanted to and i thought this was before abu dhabi 2003 they wanted me to teach there i was still a brown belt and i turned it down i thought what a wasted time an american brown belt trying to teach jujitsu in los angeles

in sun california while there's all these brazilian jujitsu black belts actual brazilian legends like who's gonna want to come to me like i'm not i'm 32 years old think with that i'm a grown man gone i ain't gonna teach that how am i gonna ever make money brazilian black belts with legit ones fail i've seen them fail very hard to make money with jujitsu at that point at that now it's easier at that point so uh but then you know i went to abu dhabi within like a year and uh got my ass kicked in you know at the end of the day by leo viera but before that i managed to try and go hoiler who is a legend at the time in jujitsu and undefeated in abu dhabi three years in a row gold medalist no one scored a point on him all that shit all that legendary run and uh i tapped

him and i was having a hard time at uh writing for the man show i was like the most depressed i've ever been in my life that's the crazy thing about the whole thing in brazil in 2003 was that i was fucking so depressed working on the man show so depressed that i knew the show was going to get canceled they were treating me like shit you know that and i'm 32 i was 32 and i'm like fuck i quit a cushy job dj and had a strip club for this shit i'm fucking ruined that's what i thought i'm fucking ruined i fucked up i knew that the first day i'm like oh my god i made the biggest fucking mistake of my life this show is going to get canceled and i'm gonna be left with nothing you know and uh getting the job i initially went joe said dude you're hired you know you're

gonna be a fucking writer you're gonna you're gonna fucking do this show together it's gonna be awesome we're part of it into movies bro you know that's what we thought we actually thought like okay we're the show's gonna be a hit we got all these sketches it's gonna be awesome it's gonna blow up then we're gonna fucking make movies and shit and then i'll put my music in through the back door boom you know it was always about the music i think the music that's how that's how the music's gonna uh that's how i'm gonna get my music out that's what i thought day one fuck i didn't think that no more like oh my god big fucking mistake big mistake it was all an illusion and you know i was still training that was right when i was training for albu dhabi not the bomb squad

how many students did you have well at the back because i went there a few times to watch well well and you had 15 16 dudes yeah my first day check check no something like blew out my first day at 18 but before that first day uh i came back from Abu Dhabi and i thought fuck this job fuck this job i think i could open a school and i think i think i could probably make a living and larry is the one who said he's he's the one he told me he goes dude quit that fucking job quit that job right now walk off that motherfucking set right now open up the fucking school you could take that bomb squad job you could take that remember they offered it to you and i'm like i wonder if it'd still be open he goes are you kidding are you kidding you just fucking tapped

that hole in the grease he asked that motherfucker and i did and goes hell yeah you want to teach you and i'm like okay because i turned that motherfucker down before we go in here for it i gotta tell you something that you did tonight that's amazing you said i went all the way down with dhabi i got my ass handed to me before that it's so funny how for a year i would go to different places and people like try to throw a jab at me wish your buddy eddie brought we didn't want to have dhabi leo vier and i'm like you know what the fuck type of animal are you so you came prepared you're like let me let him know because there's people that just yeah but you love to believe it's like yeah yeah you know always always when i released a mastery in the rubber guard the

dvd but when i that was the dvd where i put a bunch of fucking low budget music videos and shit it was the crazy it's the craziest dvd jujitsu dvd mother your intro the fucking each chapter oh my all that shit the intro of the dvd there's a montage of shit there dropped his plane and there's just all this crazy jujitsu all just crazy things for my life and then one of the highlights is is leo vier a fucking flipping me back and taking my back like he fucked me up and flipped me and took my back it was one of the most amazing moves i put that shit in the in the intro of mastering the rubber guard like shut the fuck up who cares he kicked my ass so what it was awesome he's a bad motherfucker he did great you know but but anyways so i ended up going back

to the bomb squad and seeing if the job the offer was still available he said fuck yeah so that first day it was 2003 the first thursday in june i just got online said fuck i'm open up the fuck i'm gonna start teaching the bomb squad 18 people showed up and from that point on i knew that was my shit right there that damn it's like 18 people most of them were like outcasts from other schools dudes that weren't really happy at their at their present school and uh and then some guy just wanted to be there for the first day but there's still 18 motherfuckers right there instantly bam i i was natural at running a school just instantly i'm like i got these 18 motherfucker what do i gotta do to make them not regret coming here day one what do i gotta do check this out you guys

are gonna fucking line up and and i i knew what i had to do to make them not regret it well that's what i was trying to do so it was really easy i mean the passion just came boom and i had no fucking idea i was gonna be teaching jujitsu had no idea i'm 32 teaching jujitsu that's the last fucking thing i'm like how am i how would i ever be successful while you're doing this eddie i gotta ask you something because i was thinking about something i'm talking to you here when you're on the floor and you're teaching these guys shit because i used to go and there you were you hear it fucking buds on rolling with your little tight shirt on sweating up a storm and shit you were a savage i mean did you think that your jujitsu you were offering a different viewpoint of jujitsu

when you started teaching just in general easy i'm not here to tell you back back when i was a blue belt and purple belt i was always a no-gi guy john joc machado i was always a guy that was questioning the game it didn't just happen one day it wasn't like this shtick that i thought of i was always that guy i was day one you didn't like it i'm like wait a minute no i got into jujitsu because of the ufc that's what i wanted to see i didn't like nobody at the hoist is the only one with the gi uh what no one else is wearing a gi and so i was just drawn to no give whatever was closer to mma that's that's what i wasn't you it's weird because i see a lot of people doing stand-up comedy schools there's 20 fucking that's funny that's that's fucking stand-up comedy schools

is that working people make a living people make a living in town now right here now honestly honestly do you do you think that if um if if you're to be a great iconic comic would you recommend going to some kind of stand-up school or would you say that a dude like richard prior they just they didn't need no school they got two views i got two views i'm from the school of fundamentals i want you to learn the fundamentals the first time she don't have to go back mm-hmm so i'm from that school of thought i don't want to throw you into the lines let me talk to you three times before i got on stage i paid 33 dollars for a stand-up comedy class i wasn't gonna pay 400 like most of those saps

eight eight classes graduate at the end with balloons and shit that wasn't my bad you gotta break 20 people meanwhile some fucking half-wit there was a guy in denver that was doing that but at the university of colorado they offered a 33 dollar kind of class for three Sundays from one to five and he gave you a worksheet and at the end you had to do three minutes and then he pulled you off after class and talked to you was he a good comic he was a mediocre fucking comic but whatever he did he opened them eyes and kept me coming back and that's what a great teacher does is they keep you coming back yeah i'm looking at a lot different now now that i think about it yes yes it could uh you know even richard prior if there would have been a really

good mentor type uh teacher it could have saved him a lot of time in the beginning everybody could say right i'm in the beginning yeah you gotta ask questions yeah you gotta ask questions if not you go to a comic he's receptive he's alone talk to him buy him a sandwich whatever get those questions when you work with a comic on all they can say if i go to my first tournament and it's an albuquerque and i go with three guys from 10 planet this is my first time they're gonna talk to me they're gonna talk to me and and you know listen don't put your hand on the mat throw they're gonna just say little things to me i never even thought about there's people that don't take that advice and there's people i always wanted to do a stand-up comedy school my problem is i got a different

view on stand-up than most people i know how to get good there's only one way to get good the way if you came if i came to you and said eddie i have this ball in my house and i spin around on the fucking ball and all these alma platoes by myself on my wife when i come to class you know once a week how do i get good you pull me a selling a listen you gotta be here five nights that's it i don't give a fuck what you gotta do yes i don't give a fuck if you wear the same gear don't hang on the rest of me but you gotta be here on five nights and you gotta eat slip and live this shit and most people can't deal with that because i could tell when the comics don't work out as soon as they ask you about money it's like a fight come into the school go eddie let me start training eddie

when do i get my black belt i ain't gonna last as soon as i ask you for a black belt that motherfucker ain't gonna last same thing with santa i could tell in our second conversation as soon as you ask me about money as soon as you said to me when do i start making ten thousand dollars it's over yeah because you're doing it for the wrong reasons you're doing it to save you instead of to save yourself and that's the the differences you see in people so right away i'm gonna scare you if i have a class and i have 20 people the second day i'm gonna have 14 because i'm gonna hit you that fucking hard with what to expect what to expect this is what to fucking expect if you're gonna do this this isn't a fucking thing you do for three weeks and then give it up you gotta dive into this

you're gonna sleep in the house you're gonna get raped if if you're a girl or a guy you you pass on something doesn't matter you know you it's a fucking life of debt the first four or five years then it ease up and it's still deadly and unless you're young and good looking and got a view you know it's a long fucking tow you know on the road and shit same thing with jiu-jitsu when you're teaching you know and then one day you wake up and you got 19 fucking black belts and six of them got schools and they pay a piece of the action for the fucking schools it starts blossoming you know i'm saying but it's a different pride you look at the six guys next to you look at these six motherfuckers i'm making a living from what eddie bravo taught them they all came in here as white

belts look at them six of them got schools and shit one guy flies around as a brazilian around the world tells people he's a fucking brazilian he's freaking black from new york city you know how crazy is that how crazy is that so it doesn't that's where the pride comes in that's where i would die like you know uh they just did something on a 30 30 you don't watch those things anymore i only fucking sports guys don't watch dick they just did one where coach they brought them back this motherfucker had like 14 players that went to the nfl in the first three rounds like how did you know in college how did you know you know he had eight of them that were pro bowlers and shit i mean the people that stood next to this coach you're like that's a team without

a quarterback don't even need look at these gorillas they don't even need a fucking quarterback this team that's a you know how do you know how do you know the future you know this is what you instilled in these guys sometimes your own kids don't listen to you but some fucking kid from a fucked up neighborhood will listen to you and he'll believe you don't even believe his own father i always love that when it's like someone just kind of falls into it it's what like it's like eddie yeah that's what life is about all these motherfuckers are you in college and they plan shit and they sit there with a notebook and when they're six i'm gonna be a fine man you're gonna be a dick sucker we're fucking fine man you don't even know you'll change 18 careers by the time you're fucking 20

and then something happens i had a friend dog that was a fucking cook in a kitchen and he was loyal to the guy for nothing he worked there because it was what he wanted to do one day the dude came in and said i'm dying of AIDS i'm gonna leave you the rest of them the dude's a million no no it was it was just like a college summer job or something yeah and the dude stayed there you never know what's gonna fucking happen in your life well ain't that fucked up man you never fucking know teach in jujitsu seriously man i'm 32 and that's the last thing on my mind and you know what i mean am i and then it ends up being my life it's when it's you know the things you

expect never come but the things you don't expect man when did you accept that you were a jujitsu teacher like if you started at 32 when were you like finally like okay or was it immediately like i know you said you liked it immediately but like man that's a crazy question i don't know because i'm 45 now and i still feel like i'm 19 i have this four-year-old son and and i feel like i'm walking around like i kind of uh i love him to death i love him to death and i don't know why i feel like i'm just this little kid with the kid i feel like i'm a little kid but i'm 45 i'm an old ass father most fathers uh you know had their most people have their kids like in their late 20s or mid 20s and

shit i'm 45 and i still feel like a little retarded teenager it's so weird and that's how i feel with jujitsu too every day i come in i'm like how the fuck did i pull my like my family think about my whole big mexican family i'm i'm just long-haired uh speed metal satanic drummer who's gonna make it in music somehow that's all i talk about fuck college i graduate early from high school i'm just i'm gonna they just see this i'm going to they go to my fucking gigs and it's the worst shit they've ever seen like my aunts mexican aunts and and uncles and shit my mom at gigs like it's like a punk gig with like you know the one of the fucking thing we all went to and your mom showed up down there no i'm talking about when i was fucking 16 17 18 you know what

i mean like shitty speed metal type stuff and and then all of a sudden you know and then i end up moving to hollywood they still think oh look at him he thinks he's gonna be a fucking rock star you know how's the demos how's the music business you know imagine this guy pussy not known as a fighter at all i was in a fighter i wrestled in high school but no one ever thought that was fighting and then i go to hollywood like i see him for year after year you know i got a new demo got a new band it's it's it's a matter of time and i how's the music edger how's the music oh really okay you got a new demo and they're like this you know that's i'm just delusional and hollywood trying to make it in music and all of a sudden i'm doing jujitsu i'm doing jujitsu i go to i get as a brown

belt i go to abu dabi they know i'm doing martial arts a little bit i don't take it seriously it's like a little like i'm doing pottery or something and then i i go check this out i go to abu dabi i tap out hollywood but i don't win the whole thing and i get back and my mom my mom asked was how was brazil did you win i go well i tapped out hollywood but i didn't win the whole thing oh baby maybe next time you know she didn't reach just they didn't even really acknowledge it really i'm just this guy trying to make it in music in hollywood that's my that my whole purpose my whole life and then all of a sudden they started hearing that i'm this more they hear i don't really talk about it with them they don't matter but then they're hearing from their friends that their

their friend's son has my book and like uncle kong is like dude are you fucking like some martial arts dude or something is my the dude i'm working with his son says you know and and little by little they they like how the fuck are you this jujitsu guy here you know i'm a pussy growing up i would cry at everything i'd cop it pull pull us over i'd start crying and shit i'm the biggest pussy on the planet and now my whole family they know me as edger like a what are you like some who's eddie bravo karate guy or something like that would they're like freaking freaking out i don't understand it at all i'm like and that's what answers your question is like i walk into class and i'm that motherfucker that my family sees

you know i mean i'm that little pussy that grew up they can't believe i tell them i go i don't know how people are paying for this shit i don't know i ended up like this to them i'm just this want to be fucking musician dude and now i'm making money as a as a jujitsu instructor i don't know how it's like how the fuck that how did i pull this one off it's like i'm getting anxiety just thinking about it i'm getting excited because when you're saying i'm i'm doing this i'm doing jujitsu at 95 i was stealing baby i was doing comedy yeah you know what i'm saying i was stealing selling coke but i was doing the same way you're like how the i pulled it off i pulled this shit off every day i have a lot of when i wake up every day i write something in the morning after

i drink coffee and smoke and it always ends with i can't believe i did something with my life yeah that was it like i did some of my life like i'm happy something even if it was a janitor for 20 years like i get my new sad card every three months and i look at it i'm like Jesus i've been in the union for 19 fucking years like fucking union for fucking actors are you crazy yeah i remember watching movies going i wonder how the fuck you get anything how the fuck you get a movie man and my friend told me what's wrong my friend in new york he's a camera guy talk to him call him up let's talk to him what's up you want to get your hand in there you all right i know i'm just gonna move his mic i'm fine all right he's like this next to you like like he's gonna steal your fucking cookie

so that's 15 minutes every time you can't time your right it's crazy how your life turns out i'm thinking about boulder and oh my god i would just steal at the daytime and do comedy at night and then the comedy was like it still wasn't making any money but people were starting to call me up for $50 gigs and shit so i must be doing something right i said fuck it let's dive into this motherfucker and i got i got arrested for shoplifting attempt every day about that only they busted me on the way out of a cave in like Iowa or Idaho Idaho Idaho what did you steal a tent i wouldn't even steal i used to just take them and try to shoplift return and they busted me i've been doing it for two years and boulder all over the trice state area and out of all places they got me and you just grab it and

just take it to customer service yeah and say my brother adi bravo gave me this give me the cash and they give you cash or store credit wow and then you get like $89 of store credit $100 of store credit you get $80 of shit you need and they give you 20 bucks in cash that's how small i was thinking when i was just on the road in the beginning i was just buying oil for the car anti-freeze i'd buy a tire fuck it when you're on the road though you gotta push it together in that car when you live in that fucking car so you're thieving as you're doing comedy i'm on triple runs thieving i thieved all the way till 96 97 when we moved we robbed that safe we robbed the safe and uh one last job one last job and i had like 900 hours in it so we could put it there

i i used to be a altar boy and when i believed in catholicism i was like my life was my stepdad was so evil i'm like fuck this life get me to heaven so i'd go to i'd go to i'd be on altar boys like go get me to heaven get me to fucking heaven and um then at around 11 uh the priest asked if uh me and my friend matthew we both did it my best friend growing up we were both altar boys he asked us out for ice cream so he was trying to make a move on us he was like trying to get a little date and we asked his aunt if we could go because we want an ice cream fuck yeah that worked it worked on us like we want free ice cream but then the aunt said okay but i'm coming i'm here so she had like a little suspicion about him so she came in cock block we got our ice cream

and then shortly thereafter i realized like i thought we were everybody was catholic i didn't know there was jews i didn't know there was muslims i thought everybody was catholic as a kid the our catholic holidays corresponded with uh uh with like different strokes christmas easter special halloween special i thought everybody was on the same page i thought we were all catholic at 11 and then once i found out that there was like all these jews and muslims and all these other religions right there i started thinking wait a minute this is all bullshit and then by 12 13 i was like i was super atheist and got into speed metal and started writing satanic lyrics and shit then i decided me and matt we totally take now we're evil satanic kids like

let's go back and be altar boys and fucking rob no at first at first the church we had a neighborhood neighborhood church our lady of pilar right they anybody could walk in during the day in between mass and and old ladies would pray and there was these metal boxes they put in like a dollar or five dollars or coins and show them these metal boxes so we were like how could we get that money to play video games we were addicted to defender and miss pack manager we were addicted to video games and and candy bar so we needed money for video games and candy bars so we would go in there on on when people are praying and when there's no one in the church we'd have we'd have screw drivers and shit we've opened it up and we knew that we're going to close the doors at 8 30 so we

would go in right before they close and we would hide under the pews with our fucking screwdrivers and shit we would hear the the janitor lock up all the doors they would lock up and you could push them out like if to leave it's easy but you can't come in so as soon as everyone was gone it's like 8 40 we rise up from the pews and we open up those metal boxes and we take the change in the money and we that wasn't enough we'd go after and we'd leave and we played a defender for for like an hour or a couple hours get some Reese's cups and place a miss pack man but we wanted we're like you know what you know where all the big monies at is when we'd go to church and the the guys that were collecting the money they would go back into the backstage of the church where we used to be

when we used to be altar boys so like that's where all the big monies are right there so me and that goes it's like you we're not too old to be altar boys let's go let's see if let's offer our services so they let us they let us be altar boys so we were like we're writing satanic lyrics and we were making a speed metal and shit and we're in cat we're like going through the other motions shit just so that when they would close up they close up the church we would take off our gowns like in the backstage and hide in the closets and they thought we'd have to go by father and we would just hide in the closets behind the gowns and shit everybody would leave we'd come out we knew they keep that the collection money from from that church and we'd take about 15 bucks or whatever

go play that they leave it they left it overnight so we kept doing that over and over and then finally they left a little letter that said who so we would we would pretend we would leave and shit but we would be still in there hiding in the closet wait for you know for everyone to leave we can tell and then we'd come out like little fucking rats and we go and take like 1015 bucks and there was a note that said please whoever's taking this they couldn't figure it out so where's this fucking money going they couldn't figure it out and there was a note that said please don't take our money no more so we took a little less you know we didn't want to make it that all we just wanted to play video games and shit and get baby roots and almond joy and shit and then finally

we did it again we got greedy we got greedy we we pretended like we left we're in the and hiding in the get work we put all the gowns and the priest they figured out it was us they figured it out so we here's fucking footsteps he starts opening up all there's a bunch of closets and if you could tell he's going through all that shit me and Matt are going oh shit oh shit he's coming we're fucking busted I didn't know what the fuck to do so as soon as he opened up our closet when boom all I could think of was going boom we scared him we got you we got you and then we just ran out the door boom we skirt away never never to return and we look back and it was right there at the door just looking as we ran down the parking lot we were gone I went boom we got you we

scared him man we were gone that's a true story son at least to rob the church I got a lot of stores like that my mom didn't have any money she made 150 a week she had three kids oh man we didn't have any money we had to fend for ourselves fucking hilarious I never look yet I never looked at you from that direction clipping man you have a clip of churchly no I went through a like a shoplifting phase but nothing not a church I robbed the bar mitzvah once it's one of the most embarrassing things I ever did you know I still think about it once a week at night did you take it from the bar mitzvah the kid no I think it from the bar mitzvah guy from 2002 yeah no I thought it was like the uh

like the bar or something I was bartending and they had a back room and I was an out I was at a country club and it was I used to be a banquet bartender a union banquet bartender and they had fucking suspended me for close to nine to ten months they had suspended me because of tardiness and not showing up and not calling as a bartender as a bartender in New York City and I'm robbing them blind everybody has a bartender yes of course everybody's robbing them blind every job I had as a kid it was all about yeah how much you could rob I'm just fucking every job terrible terrible and for peanuts like it was just garbage yeah we just wanted five dollars what were we talking about your your bartending gig where they sent me to this fucking so

I'm out of work guys and I'm just stealing for a living I'm just waking up in the morning going for it whatever I'm putting a suit on going to buildings I'm a fucking creepy motherfucker you know somebody would get up to go to the bathroom I'd rob their office you know whatever they had the petty cash box I was terribly fucking terrible I think of all that shit so that I got a call one day hey you're back in the union you're available Saturday I'm like fuck yeah they're like this country club needs a bartender the first day that I didn't even wait a week first day fucking there's a bar mitzvah and they're putting envelopes I don't know what's in the envelopes I'm just sitting there and they keep coming back to me with bags of gifts with envelopes

in them and I'm just putting them back there and finally I see a couple come in with a kid a Jewish kid and the guy takes money from his wallet cash and puts it in this envelope licks it and when the mother comes out he gives it to the mother or the cat I don't know who the fuck it was so when they would stack up they come to me and go put those envelopes in the back I just saw and I remember what color it was I opened that envelope up there was fucking a deuce in there or something 300 bucks I go wait a second I got a hundred envelopes here I hit the jackpot I'm just gonna walk out of here with the fucking envelopes that's how crazy I was but I took 20 of them I ripped them open and whoever had a check I just drew in the garbage and whoever had cash didn't even let

them keep the checks fuck no they were ripped open they're gonna know that somebody ripped them open fuck at least there's a check fuck it what are you gonna do you gotta there's gotta be a victim that and I fucking took the money it was like a thousand bucks and at the end of the shift I just left and I threw away the ones I had ripped open what a creepy fucking thing to do that's how much of a creep I was that was a grown man I did that shit I generally stole just I'd go to um like thrift uh farm not it was called thrifty but it's like ride aid now you know uh take uh soap and shit that I needed you know what I mean I that I didn't I couldn't afford and I couldn't pay for and then there's this one time where I'm 13 and I'm still a virgin but uh all my friends thought

that I had sex with Sue this that one this one girl that I made out with I told everybody that had sex with her because I didn't want to be a virgin I'm 13 and like my older brother like he's having sex and it was just embarrassing being a virgin so I lied and I said I had sex before once just so I wasn't a fucking virgin because all the older kids were they were 15 16 and they're they're having a lot of sex and here I am I'm like 13 but I have this girlfriend we'd make you know you know that that girl from before the sex days where you're just making out for like three hours straight you're just like in the side of the house waiting you know waiting the mom pulls up or the dad pulls up you could run in the you could run in the house real quick and pretend you're watching

MTV and shit you know when the dad walks in so you got to do it on the side of the the garage so you hear the cars coming because you never knew with this girl we never knew when her dad or mama in the shop her mom was a hairdresser she had an irregular schedule so we had to do our making out but we had to keep our keep the look out and shit all the time and then after about three months you start feeling the side of the you you you're making out and you put your hand right on the small of her back and she fucking pushes your hand away like fuck so then you make out again for a couple more weeks and then you try it again and then she puts your hand and when it fuck and then finally she doesn't push your hand you're like oh shit now you're making out

you're 13 and you're feeling the small of her back and you're like oh my god you you got like the craziest boner and eventually after six months of progress is inch inch by inch then you start reaching in for the titty she pushes it away reach for the titty she pushes away and then she grabs your hand then she grabbed my hand open up her bra her titties were mosquito bites mosquito bites and she put my hand on her titty and it freaked me the fuck i'm like oh my god i'm feeling it you almost had a nervous breakdown your face got red horrible i had i had to tell somebody i ran home and my friend in orio down his foot we met i go come to the church we go to the church that was we had a local church where everyone hung out we're like in the church and

appeased like man she grabbed my hand and pulled her bra down and put my hand like right on it and she said oh your hands she said that and i told him so then he always used to make fun of me he would play football he goes oh your hands and i go shut the fuck up man you're not supposed to tell anybody so eventually we got to the point where we were dry humping dry humping to the point where i was ejaculating oh sweat oh yeah so we would be on the ground like in the in the in the garage we're fully clothed making out and like giving each other lap dances and i would bust nuts i'd come home and shit pull off my my sticky ass underwear throw them in the hamper and then just watch tv and shit you know what i mean i was like i was satisfied i didn't need to go any further

than that i was totally cool that's where the progression stopped at the dry hump and i was cool with that i'd loved it looked forward to it you know and then she wanted to go further we were 13 and she was like we need to take she talked to her 12 year old sister who was having sex with her boyfriend she gave her 12 year old sister where did you grow up in san adam mexicans she gave her her 12 year old gave advice to the 13 year old she said you got to ask him to get a condom so she tells me she goes i think we need to get a condom and i was like for what the fuck we need a condom for because i think we got to actually have sex and i thought oh shit i'm not gonna buy a fucking condom i'm gonna go to thrifty drug stores and buy a fucking condom i know i was

gonna have to resort to my thievery ways so i know there's no way i'm gonna buy a fucking condom so i went into thrifties with an electric blue giant ski jacket i walked in there grabbed i i didn't want to do this often so i got through the biggest box it was the aqua 36 pack i was 13 i'll never forget the aqua 36 pack put it in my fucking ski jacket walked out stole it and bam now we had to have fucking sex it was time she's under her she's under the covers i get in i put the condom on we're in her bedroom i'm looking out to make sure her dad fucking doesn't show up you know what i mean and i didn't know i didn't i had no idea where the pussy was i was trying to put it in like right at the clip so i had a condom on and i'm going boom right in the clip and i'm not having

any luck and she's like that's not it that's not it and then i fucking nut it right there just trying to put it in the clip and then i'm like i think your dad's here your dad's here so we got dressed i went into the living room watching some mtv and she comes out she had a dress on with no underwear that was her that was her move like she would just stand up and say hi dad and then she had a dress so she comes in the living room she goes hey no one's here come on let's go back and i said you know because i've nutted i said i have a bad feeling let's wait a little while let's just wait so we're like 30 minutes we go back put the condom back in and i asked her for help she goes you gotta help me this ain't working so she grabs it and she puts i'm on the fucking and i was i

realized i was so off i would have never guessed to go way underneath by the ass i would have never guessed i was totally in the wrong spot and i put it in three seconds she's fucking freaking out it hurts i come again boom it's a fucking wrap and i go home my brothers my brother's 17 at this point totally experienced and shit and i run home like dude nicole's pussy hole is right next to her asshole and he goes they're all next to the asshole i thought you had sex before with sue what about her and i'm like oh i did i go they're all by the asshole he goes yes all pussy holes are by right next to the asshole and that's where i got busted i learned a lot that day oh but check this out so so we started having sex right it would last one minute one minute

and after like the 11th time she started crying and she goes i go what's wrong and she's i didn't think it was gonna be like that that didn't mean so much more and she's crying and i go home and i asked my brother like oh fuck nicole freaked out she started crying after we had it was like the 11th time i'll never forget it's like it's like in my brother said well how how fast are you coming i said i don't know it was like within a minute two minutes 10 minutes 15 i go i don't know one minute i don't know and he said that's where you're fucking up dude you gotta fuck them good you gotta make them come you can't come until they come you gotta make sure they come my brother's giving me all this sex advice i'm like oh shit i had no idea then i started then i took his advice and tried to

hold it and shit it was really hard to hold what i would do is i would i would i would name cleven football i would spell cleveland uh players names like after i remember spelling webs i go cleven browns wide receiver webster slaughter w e b s t e r s l and it would work man it would work good because if you gotta spell that shit out you're not thinking about your dick you know what i mean and then sometimes it would work too fucking good and then your dick starts going and you don't want to go limp so then now you're thinking about pussy and now you're looking at the pussy and you're you're all into it again and then it gets hard and then you gotta go bam wide receiver cleven browns bryan bren b r i a n b e e n n and then boom it would go it would work and um i was

getting close to finishing those 36 i said damn i got like six left i'm not going i don't want to i don't want to get busted for stealing condoms i was like because i'd gotten busted a couple times every now and then you get busted shoplifting and uh so i started fucking washing them like the last six i would fucking have sex with them pull them out wash them with soap and shit fill them then rinse them fill them with water and with all the weight of the water you could roll them back up and slip them back in the packets boom i had i used them like three times just to avoid trying to steal them again you were like a walking yeast infection you know you were giving broads yeast effects and i don't know what's going on at least spreading that fucking dried up helmet juice

that he puts back in the cellophane those things are uh uh indestructible yeah but they're not rewashable you can't put them back try try as they go back in there with fluid and then they develop a mold no i'm telling you to get all fucked up trust me i did that for years it was so crazy because years i had a big career of humping and then when i me and my friends robbed a box of condoms from bergen line avenue this fucking box of all different colored condoms i put one in my wallet and that's when i stopped getting busted you can't and those days when you put a condom you see the ring you can see the ring you fuck it up you fuck it up your mojo will get fucked up when you were prepared it was when you didn't get prepared that the chicken let you suck their

dick and finger them and then pass out your shit i had some horrible experience but my fucking dry humping thing i got into dry humping she used to let me suck the titties though from time to time when i tried to drove me felt crazy though i used to dream about dry humping i didn't even want to take the next move also i was very happy dry humping sweat that was good it was like because once you're not a nuts a knot is a knot is a knot is a knot when you're not you're done so if you're not in your pants you're done it's over you know it's fucking done we would do a whole side of an album we would dry hump to a whole side of an album that's where lap dancing started how brother hated me guys how brother fucking hated me he knew he knew he used to torment me in

front of me shit till this day if i see him he still doesn't fucking like me did you ever have a girl one of those girls that was saving that pussy for marriage but had no problem sucking dick when she was 16 no no no no this is the weirdest thing there was a girl in my eighth grade class she had those warts all over do you hurt yes she was a cute girl and she had warts all over her name was claudia but she was one of the best baton baton twirlers in the world she hypnotized you this is a fucked up story i went to grammar school i used to break her balls no nothing happened between her and i we were just in the eighth grade the guy got left back and i was we were friends and shit but she used to take me to parties she used to invite us all

the parties and her parents went to real estate and they used to own real estate office with these other parents and these other parents kids would come to the fucking parties and there were these two girls there were two cuban girls now with that age when i was that age cuban girls weren't touchable because if you dated them you had their grandmother came to the movies or their dad came with you so why even bother with them i wouldn't even talk to them that that was a waste of my time at that age when you're 14 you want to have sex guys you know if i gotta bring her grandmother with me and that that's too much work for uncle joey at that time that that was not gonna fucking happen the girl that used to dry hump she brought her grandmother to the movie one time i almost had

a nervous breakdown because when you're 13 you want to go to movies to make out you know you don't ever watch the movie you don't watch the fucking movie you leave there your shirt ripped your pants are soggy yeah you've come in those things three times that 13 year old come that that comes out hot yeah hot like steam's coming out of your fucking pants i remember i got pissed with when i was seeing a girl who said listen um there's a problem uh when we go to the movies i actually want to see the movie yeah you'd attack him and i'm like that was i was insulting i'm like you want to see the fucking when you're 13 and you took with you i like well if i took you roller skate it was dark it was the only place where it was dark and you could make out twice and

we're gonna swap some fucking spit that was understood from fucking day one when you asked a girl yeah movies is the spot i'll never ever forget this guy so i graduate the eighth grade i become a freshman i played basketball and i would walk home sometimes and i would stop by the real estate office i knew the girls and i knew claudia and i would stop by the real estate office and do you know that like the end of my freshman year i started dating all the girls in the closet very shy but there was two girls remember so i would date this girl and i would go to the house of rich real park and swap spit with her and dry hump up but as soon as i went for the back hand and this one on for four or five months dog oh yeah this was not gonna happen

so one day i'm walking home this is you know and i'm in shock guys nothing like this has ever happened to me i walk home like oh let me go buy that and see her name is maria let me go buy that and see maria and like the other man said maria maria is not there she's in school but the other girl was there and the other girl was just as back but to my naive mind i don't know nothing i walk in there i don't know she's not here and the girl starts talking to me starts telling me next you know we start swapping spit with drying up and i got my dick out you know the whole fucking thing i'm nothing on the stomach i didn't even get to the pussy you know i'm nothing on the stomach on the shirt the whole fucking thing she jerked me you know it was like something that

was just crazy for a guy like me at that i thought these two girls were untouchable she broke down and ratted and you know the whole fucking deal that's not the point of the fucking stories the point of the story is you never fucking really knew it was so tough to be that age i think when i think of that age sexually it was a fucking nightmare i had this friend eddie lomenka cool motherfucker eddie bravo whole motherfucker he was only a stupid cuban dude he was 16 in the seventh grade because when he came from cuban he didn't know how to speak english eddie lomenka was cooler than fuck eddie lomenka had a german girlfriend named alona this fucking girl on the dog every time you see him he had hickeys she had hickeys the mother was

hot she was hot and little sister was hot they were from germany and one day in the eighth grade he came home he goes dog i'm my fat my father got a job in miami i'm moving down there i'm like what the fuck are you talking about he moved away dog but guess who stayed alona alona was banging dog alona would come over my house on friday night she went to watch sanford and son i was in shock the first time so that girl knocked on my door and you know for weeks and i didn't know nothing about nothing guys i knew nothing about nothing all i knew was about loyalty you know that's my friend's girlfriend she wants to come on watch tv she come on watch tv do you know that one day i went upstairs though i came down that bitch was balls ass naked masturbating

she was a year or two older than me i had never seen them like that in my life of course i swaps bit with it i didn't have sex with the guys not at all i nutted on her stomach i did something stupid suck the titties this went on for like four or five weeks and she never talked to me again i looked around facebook from time to time she's not even on facebook she threw me to the wolves i i graduated early i just wanted to get the fuck out of high school and just get on with my music career that's what it's all about and i took extra auto shop classes after school just to get the credits and my my high school was the last school to uh uh switch to 245 credits to graduate there were still 210 i'm like damn i can get out this motherfucker soon it's like night it's the 87 my

senior year september 87 i'm like i'm gonna get out of here in january 87 check this out i'm gonna take out some i'm gonna take some auto shop classes and get this motherfucker over with so i graduate and uh i start working at music plus which is a record store i'm 17 years old still i graduated at 17 got my hair down here i'm working at music plus it was a chain in southern california there was a bunch of music pluses ever it was like blockbuster video and then they went under just like blockbuster video music plus was the shit and i'm 17 years old and i'm i'm working the register and i'm working selling tickets to concerts and this 24 year old hottie comes in blonde just fucking just fully developed woman and i'm 17 she comes in and buys uh sam kinnison

uh tickets and i'm like you like sam kinnison she goes hell yeah i'm like damn i thought i love sam kinnison she goes you want to go with me i'm like fuck yeah i want to go with you it's like but it was like two months after that and i thought wow uh i'm gonna lose touch with her i i gotta i bought iron maiden tickets never available i said you want to go to you want to go see iron maiden and she she said yes so we went out i told her i was 23 i was 17 she was 24 i told i was 23 i took her out of my pentose station wagon we went to fucking go see iron maiden and we're holding hands at iron maiden then i start let me start making out an iron maiden i said fuck iron man let's get the fuck out of here she goes fuck let's go we went back to her house in my pentose station

wagon she thought i was 23 and we're driving back and there's my graduation class of the class of 88 because i graduated and i suppose i'm class of 88 and it's like hanging right there right my mom fucking put it up there on the the rear view mirror and i'm driving i'm looking at it going fuck i wonder if she notices it's the class of 88 anyways um we had um she was just she was just uh way too mature for me and she knew it she pretty much figured out i was lying and she had i was like sprung on her i never had sex like that in my life she just she she was a woman showing a little boy how to get down we were doing like i molted like three times a day just just she was uh uh she showed me so god damn much and then she had to let me go and she said listen i'm gonna

it's it's it's over this is the last time we're gonna see each other huh she was like we're just not right for each other she was but she took she walked me out to my pentose station wagon and sprawled me out in the carpool lane on my pentose station wagon with a crush hood she sat there and just gave me a beat like a goodbye bj good life she basically said she was so mature about it she dumped me she cut me off but said okay let me let me just give you one more little um to go yeah a little to go and then everything's cool we're all good right and then i went on my own way like she was she was a total pimp player anyways that's wasn't that good of a story but it was tony benner that kind of thing hey can is there any way i could take a piss yeah

it's right next door we'll play some tony benner give it a little breather taking time to hurry up yeah which way the first door i want to be around right that's right pick up the piece what's up lisa yeah when somebody breaks you're fucked up over that lisa you're falling asleep i mean i'm not falling asleep i was watching somebody twice as smart oh my goodness what's so funny the fuck you took yourself on me you you're fucked you cracked me up i'm glad tell me you know you know what i fucking not not looking like two tongue common whatever the

fuck his name is you try to tell me you know how much do we have seven twenty five doesn't matter i'm shattered right at this point doesn't matter what do you gotta do mom you're gonna get out we gotta go do a speech at eight thirty kettlebells yeah i got a kettlebells at nine perfect here's another one fucking get the kettlebells your heart's still pumping from the night before stop who's better than you you'll be swinging those fucking kettlebells like golf yeah like i like up there shit what do you got to lose go have some fun the more yeah absolutely let's do it i gotta go to buffalo on thursday that's gonna be fun i'm excited i'm gonna fucking uh least something you picked at that on facebook came here and they gave me four wings and i didn't

get all right here's here's what it is it's called black house in like north hollywood no it's great oh chef daniel's prepared not daniel john chef john did he come on into this himself no i asked yeah they apply like like all right the last time my dad did when he used to work at legals like he would have had he had this friend who was a chef who would just do whenever my dad would go in he would just make whatever and make like something for him so we went to this place and they had that as an option for like 15 bucks and all the sandwiches were like between 12 and 15 oh shit anyways um so i said sure let's do it and did he come out and talk to you yeah well he did because i asked for and he was a chef because i'm a dork no he's not a chef he was a like a 20 year old stoner

like mexican kid but this place it's like the coolest all right and i know the diet's not good but just look at this i'll show you what it was i don't want to see it you're gonna see it it's disgusting it wasn't disgusting listen if you went it's disgusting i know you i know what the places you go and this ain't the shit you look at this is what i have taught ten in my entire life you're 26 years old you eat at your pole place still you think that's cuisine shut the fuck off look at it look at it yeah look at it that's delicious yeah that's delicious yeah all right turn that shit off fucking sourdough bread with carnitas and you say i deal with that are you passing out no it just oppresses me this is working out he gets fallen he falls for all

this shit are you allowed to smoke some weed no no this is here because i want it for museums oh shit this is a don perignon a fucking we ain't fucking around on a sunday night aka monday morning for some of you motherfucking to download this monday morning oh shit tremendous but you know the fucking beauty of this whole thing eddie bravo is that you went from 18 students to listen to this producing your sixth tournament like han right without your island but the beauty of this is that you are now on ufc fight pass so this all started with 18 fucking students so you people that don't believe that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about listen nothing happens on the couch and not only just 18 students but like right around

you see that's that's a t-shirt nothing happens on the couch you're sitting there like a fucking bump on a lawn you know i'm gonna do that you ever see those people they drive that's like a nike could buy that they drive me fucking crazy those motherfuckers they drive me crazy they used to drive me crazy when i was young they sit there and they tell you and they said the people when you go to those coffee shops listen to their conversations you want to put a gun in your fucking mouth you know that we were talking about those comedy schools i don't have the odacity to teach at a comedy school because it should be something that i should get like 12 people and just do it once a year i think that would take something but the mentality that you're i would

attack them with at the beginning because i want them to know it's not a duck walk and you know what man i've been here fucking 20 years i've seen people who were stars that went to montreal they used to get sponsored the lab factory they're home already bro they're home and packing those guys got half million dollar deals they're gone because somewhere they do the fundamentals somewhere they do the fundamentals and the fundamentals is hard work and somewhere when they come out here they got to redo it and not only redo it but you got to keep doing it you got to keep doing it this ain't something that i do and i retire like anderson silver or i get busted for steroids and take a year off i do this to like go on the grave

joey you always talk about like building a system and any like the one thing we haven't talked about yet is like kind of planet is a huge like i always know you as a goofy as you at the gym you're goofy you're like you're funny but you you're like it's a like a it's like a like a chain it's like a like a like a whatever like an amc or whatever we want whatever you want to say a fucking franchise a kid that graduated high school when he was 17 and he built it and worked at music fucking empire and then no college no fucking boston you know all this bullshit a franchise that he figured out on paper he loved whatever people were doing and he goes you know what this is a good idea i'll do this this business and you figure it out as you go along no financial consultants no jujitsu specialists

no uh production where they call them public relations teams they're a public relations team you know this is just fucking word of mouth people working out people sweating it's all an accident man i didn't plan this at all man it wouldn't have it i used to wonder what like michael jordan really meant when he said when they asked him how the fuck do you do it i'm like marcello garsi how the fuck do you do it and they all said the same thing they say oh because nobody loves it as much as i do and i'm like what is that everybody loves it i don't really i didn't never really understood that and my life is an example of that like i did jujitsu just because i loved it i wasn't planning to do anything with it i wasn't planning on even being a world champion

i was just competing just to see how i would do i wasn't trying to fucking win a world fucking championship ever i just did the abu dhabi trials i won that and i'm like oh shit when i did the trials i had there was all these stars doing the trials i'm like fuck how could it be look at i could go to abu dhabi i could sneak in with these motherfuckers like these real grapplers i'm like me i'm just a fucking like a musician you know i'm like how cool would it be if i can go to brazil with these motherfuckers and then i win my holy shit i'm fucking going goddamn i never thought i was gonna win or do or do anything like i thought i was gonna get smoked probably the first round and i was just happy that i got a free trip to brazil i'm like fuck yeah that was like i got a

free trip when i won the trials i didn't expect like oh i'm gonna be a champion i just a full free plane ticket and hotel in brazil the tournament was like like i'm gonna get smoked i'm a brown belt come on these guys are so i never expected shit at any time and then that's what blossomed so to me that's a lesson in life that's a lesson in life is is um you gotta do what you love and and it'll all work out just keep doing what you love as long as you're doing something love anything just do it doesn't matter what you love people come up to me all the time what get what part of the game should i work on i'm a blue belt i'm a purple belt i'm a white belt like what do you love doing you like kamoras get into that more find something that you love

that you're attracted to and and fucking make make that a ninja part of your game and then it doesn't really matter what it is it could be anything and of course you want to be well rounded and you want to um you don't want to you want to fill as many holes as possible and you want to have game from every position every angle you want to have something to offer an escape or some shit or some kind of offense of course you want all that but um everyone has holes so don't trip on the fact that you have holes everybody got holes jujitsu is so vast that everyone got holes world champions 10 time world champions got that i mean holes as far as parts of game that are legit that they don't have down in their system every all the greatest jujitsu

players on the planet have uh are not that good at other people's games they go to their game that's their game specific techniques not like a game like some kind of spiritual game or or anything it's like a physical you could write it down on physical game everyone's got their own game everybody and um jujitsu so that it's it's good it's good news for people that are in the jujitsu business and people that are in jujitsu really in general that it's endless it's endless you have a lot of material it's not like being part of a um uh like boxing like you get into boxing man it's gonna be hard to teach a boxing seminar you know you're gonna throw your jab your special way to throw a jab and then a jab hook there ain't that much it's all been done very hard to do do boxing

seminars but jujitsu man you could it's so vast that anybody as long as you love it and you want to train every fucking day you just fucking love it anybody could teach jujitsu and make a living anybody could do it it's so vast and everybody everybody uh could be obsessed with it if they're introduced to it in the right way you know there's a there's a right because most people are fucking scared they think oh my god am i gonna go there they're gonna fucking kill me man i don't want to fucking get killed or exposed and people fucking think i'm a pussy fuck down you gotta like sit down and talk to people and basically be a counselor to some not everybody some people are like oh my god i want to do that it's like a video game cool like 10 of the population you don't have

to coach shit they're gonna jump in and they're like put me in right now you know but most of the population the reason why most people don't do jujitsu is because they just have a complete misunderstanding of what it's all about they think they're gonna come in and people are gonna laugh at them because they suck and they're gonna fuck look at that god they're gonna put you on youtube and humiliate you it's not like that at all everybody uh no matter who you are is your first you just started i was gonna make fun of you you know what they're really thinking they're thinking damn if this guy sticks it out he's gonna be a nightmare in the future for me that's what they're thinking not thinking oh my god this guy can't even do a fucking arm bar he just started a week

i just started a week really no one does that it's the opposite of that it's like everybody was that guy in the beginning that didn't know shit you're like oh you don't know shit just relax you don't know shit just keep coming and then you'll know shit don't trip out on you're not knowing shit we don't get the fuck no one's even paying attention to you no one is even thinking one fucking thought about you so get off that shit like you think you're gonna be humiliated no one's even thinking about you know what i did in jujitsu today what let me tell you how good my day was today in jujitsu i got there five to ten i warmed up did some jumping jacks and push-ups i did some fucking uh bridges i did a few hip escapes and that's long at vmack it's a long thing

and i got in my fucking garden i go john beat me up and he passed my guard every time every fucking time didn't submit me but he passed my guard every fucking time he didn't submit you but here's the beauty of it here's all my accomplishment was even though he passed my guard and i moved my legs and i got him in a half guard basically all the times towards the end when henry got there i wanted to de-path and i went the wrong direction but in my world i wanted to de-path i wouldn't have done that six months ago i didn't even know how it worked and guess what i threw his balance off for me that's a start that's awesome do you understand me yeah of course and you have to do the same thing with comedy or anything like that you have to take little

accomplishments and not lose your mind when you do get a big accomplishment yeah look at it in perspective and go okay this is why that happened at least i know it can happen again now if it happens again i'm a bad motherfucker you know what i'm saying but if i have no and that's like you know for a comic okay i come to see this really happened to me eddie this really happened to me some guy used to give me a lot of work cool motherfucker i still talked to him this is back in denver 25 fucking 23 years ago this guy used to give me work and one night he called me up and this guy was a mexican dude that's like john jiggalo he's always got a bitch of him that's pregnant this guy got kids all over denver right he's shooting a mexican sperm all over he's got

because he's always gonna be that comedian so these chicks come in they fall in love with him then they realize you know he's fucked up but he's a great guy he got me a gig one night and before i got on stage i go what do i'm gonna do he knew probably worked on him every day you know what your students could do you see him every day he goes uh do 15 you know and this is 1995 i've been doing comedy for years i was struggling to do 15 16 i would struggle eddie this motherfucker went outside and fucked some chick he was he was supposed to give me a lot of 12 but he went out and started fucking some chick i just kept going eddie i just kept going and i had him and he came back in and he went he gave me the light and then when i got off he goes wait

right there he goes dog i'm sorry this chick we were fucking you ended up doing 38 minutes i couldn't sleep that night because i never dreamt of doing 38 minutes but i did it do you know what i'm saying if you would have came to me and said Joey i'm gonna buy and do 20 i would have choked i would have straight up choked but since there was no clock in my mind yeah that's when i knew it you know i'm saying a little i went home that night i almost call c a i ain't gonna lie to you motherfucker i ain't gonna lie to nobody i almost called fucking cbs and said fire dave let him in i did 38 minutes at some fucking hellhole last night and then i just swear to god you're walking so high it's such a big accomplishment it's such a big accomplishment those little things are the

ones that keep you in the game okay i did 38 i'll do it again then for a year you bomb you can't do 30 you just bomb but eventually if you just stick it out dog you're gonna make you know it's a nightmare but it's so much fun do you know what i'm saying like it's a nightmare would you do it again any do what again start this whole thing again like right like most people wouldn't change would you go through this again fuck yeah every you know what at this point i you know what man every day i learned something from comedy i really fucking did it turn my life around i can't believe it 20 years ago if you were to tell me listen comedy's gonna turn your life around it's gonna make you stop doing blow it's gonna make you stop doing a lot of things i'm gonna go you're

fucking crazy you're crazy i'm not gonna love something that much i didn't even love my freedom that much you know what i'm saying i want to have my life i didn't even love my freedom that much how am i on love comedy that much last night i fell in love with comedy again you know sometimes you get fucked up you like get disgruntled for two weeks or something i was disgruntled for two weeks like i'm tired with comedy yeah sometimes you get stuck dog you go into slumps you go into joke writing slumps and everything you try is kind of shitty and then one day everything falls back to the fingers is not to stop when a baseball player gets in a hitting slump they don't bench them in fact they send them to the bat even more because they know eventually the slumps

only go away and this motherfucker's gonna start blasting home runs and the only way to do it is by getting this confidence back so the last two weeks every time i've gone to do comedy i have to force myself to do comedy but i know the jokes are coming you know what i'm saying like you know it's right there it's just a matter of law putting them all together i said something last night i said something Tuesday night i flapped this with lee every night i said something i just didn't i wrote went back home and wrote it down so the spider web is there you know what i'm saying the net is there it's ready to start catching shit like a motherfucker lee you ready for another pilot the bombardier look at you it's sunday night it's 4 20 weekend shit people are going

fucking bananas we're gonna eat like 15 fucking stars wednesday night that'll be fun yes i don't think i need anymore right now what's going on wednesday uh louis go louis j go mess is gonna be on the show no wednesday is 4 20 night that's all these fucking gentiles jump up and down the weed stores tell you don't give me an ounce of weed for free but they cut it with a three quarters of an ounce of sesquihana weed and you go home going on i got enough to weave for free and they make people stand out there they give you rolling papers you know what it's a lot of fun it's a lot of fun if that's what you want to do because you're gonna like three or four different stores man so if you buy an ounce right around the corner they'll give you an ounce of free and it says even

pr so yeah so it's your it's a 400 for an ounce usually so you get 200 then for an ounce it's pretty good i don't know how like how many grams in an ounce but 20 oh wow yeah that's really good then because it's like 20 a gram you seem to know a lot about weed but yet you don't know how many grams are in an ounce you know all this other intricate because i never once bought it illegally i just like i did it a couple times before starting this and then now it's all just been like at the store the most weed i ever bought is an eighth that's all i don't even know what that means eighth of an ounce oh i still remember half grams of coke my sophomore year you know you just know what it costs that's it well you guys were talking about being like young

having sex at 13 i was the kid and my mom was me even going to bar mitzvah tutoring like then going to have him up i that's cool i didn't have to listen let me tell you when you got divergenized like 20 oh really i didn't mexicans had to have sex early dude we don't fuck we don't have not us to do we don't have fucking games and shit you white people play we had to fuck i did kinky shit young i didn't have sex till later on you know what i'm saying like i fingered people and suck titties and shit like that but i didn't have sex till maybe 17 16 18 around there for sure that's where i was 13 i did creepy things now i ain't gonna lie nobody you know what i'm saying 13 that's really and it's interesting i went to joseph kids at 13

so that's normal one solo a kid in my grandma's school knocked up a check in the eighth grade fuck i'll never forget in my life one solo he just disappeared one day he knocked her up walked him home and never came back to school we were responsible man it was all about that you had to get that job you had to get a job like in the eighth grade freshman year you had to get a job and you imagine what your job or your yeah you gotta get a job in those days you get a good union job by the time you're fucking 20 you're making real money you know you're a mechanic or something you're making real fucking money yeah but how you like drop me out of school 14 jesus for years generations did it man all those fucking immigrants that came over what do you think that you know

the families need money what are you gonna do what are you gonna do you're gonna go around you know my block was a bunch of mexican ladies whose husbands left them and their kids so everybody everybody had their mom and then their boyfriend their mom's new boyfriend and as the kids we'd make fun of everybody's mom's new boyfriend because they'd be like different boyfriends every now and then but it was ever there was only one family where the mother and father stayed together so coro and a mac they stayed everyone else one by one they all left all the dads eventually left left the kids and the single moms bunch of poor mexican single i don't know about my new york city neighborhood but i know that my jersey neighborhood all those people were married they weren't no crazy people

they were white people they weren't no crazy people they were all together yeah yeah just of all the witnesses went together yep it was weirder my town people got divorced like there were people who did it but it wasn't it wasn't the majority at all it was like less than 10 percent where did you grow up out to the boston hmm a lot of white people yeah all not all white people stay together it's like one family mexicans don't we know white people stay together but they fuck each other's wives and they get all creepy and shit they start banging each other it's normal for latin men to have several families and kids everywhere my dad had 19 kids from eight different chicks so it's like that's not uh that crazy that's like i'm in that's like i'm in farm yet we gotta shoot a

motherfucker like your father like are you fucking crazy 19 kids the only damage you left on this fucking country cocksucker we should just how is one of his illegitimate bastards on the side i sit there sometimes in the living room and i look at mercy and i look at my wife i'm watching tv and i gotta do a podcast and i gotta go on the road and i like to work out i like to write i couldn't imagine any i couldn't fucking imagine having another family somewhat i grew up with a kid who had another family before the internet you could pull it off you can't pull that sit off no more with facebook and shit no well somebody has to know to pull that off somebody has to you can't have the internet and do that no no you don't

understand what i'm saying to you one of those women has to know that you're doing it one of them has to be completely cool she knows from day one you got a family in jersey you loved them you loved the wife she just wants a kid and she loves you so she's gonna figure out a way how to have a kid you want to raise this kid you want to come over once on sundays and be with the kids or sleep over on thursday night you're more than welcome i think tony hintz clever talk to her that's what his mom did was that for like someone in the mafia it's crazy i couldn't even imagine like i can't imagine how much work goes into it like i can't i sit there sometimes i go holy it would be nice to have a fucking 23-year-old on the side to let you let a fucking asshole on fire you know what i'm saying

once a night once a week you go over there you give a little rent money and shit let's think of it how puz you know what i'm saying i think that would be horrible and it's it's i just couldn't be i sit there i couldn't juggle it i couldn't even if i wanted to juggle it'd be too stressful there's no way to pull it off i can't pull it off with twitter you can't pull it off why do you keep saying so you could do anything the fuck you want to you could do whatever you want in today's world no you just gotta be fucking for listen let's pretend that wasn't a comic let's pretend that was something completely different than a comic you think i'd be banging around on fucking twitter if i'm banging some chick taking pictures on instagram and shit like that

first of all after three months a dick you tell him should listen put the camera away you could be like the fucking owner of the fucking what's his name the owner of the old man owner the fucking whatever team the king sterling sterling you'd be you know it's just you keep saying the internet well before the internet it was easy to have several relationships it was easy but you could still do it there's motherfucking you could still do it it's just too stressful first off listen to have two wives you gotta have one thing you gotta have one thing that's fucking huge and that's cash yeah to keep everybody in place yeah you gotta have a lot of everybody in place and everybody's separated from one another you know exactly one's going to macy's and one's going

to beville hills you gotta have a lot of fucking cash yeah that's the only that's the only way you're gonna buy peace of mind yes is with cash that's the only way you could summon to that like if you look at a bitch and go here it is listen you knew from the beginning i'm married i got three kids i got twins i love them you're just a fucking cunt quad you understand me you're just a cunt quad i love you whatever i'll pay your rent you know when you have that type of money when you have your account and go listen mail every check for 15 000 month you know the last dude was giving the 2000 and she was when she got vd you know all this shit i'm giving her 15 g's large shut the fuck up every time i come over i want to stay on the lobster tail i want you with a robe and ready

to fucking burn you know i don't want to hear nothing better make sure you don't get your period that night because it's over you gotta go to the house and get that taken out it's all over like something crazy like that that's the only way it would work not to fucking oh my god i get ulcers just thinking about it i get ulcers just thinking about it if you left your phone around or something like that would be it's too easy yeah but that's that's the whole thing you gotta be ahead of the fuck the one that knows knows she's gonna sound like smoke signals are a pigeon you know what i'm saying you don't even get my digits you understand me you want me you're like fucking Pablo Escobar you're sending pigeons when i see the pigeon i'll come over you see the pigeon

with a picture of your pussy on fire and i shoot right over and you see it that'd be uh for players that could actually be a good idea that's the whole thing listen you start raising pigeons like just pretend like you love pigeons the problem with people is that they leave loopholes that's it they just leave loopholes little loopholes the only loopholes that she's got to know and that there ain't no loopholes listen you never gonna call me you can't come to my shows i don't want you doing jiu-jitsu i don't even want you doing ballet you understand i don't want you playing tennis that's how you know what i'm saying i don't want you eating i saw you eat nothing yeah but how you gonna enforce that that's the money cash you need cash that's what he's saying

that's what i'm saying you gotta you have to be able to say shit like that those have to be the rules and the only way you're gonna pull that off is you throw some serious cash Christmas i'm gonna give you 10 000 to shut the fuck up to shut the fuck up go to the Bahamas suck 22 dicks just don't bring back nothing i don't want to get one call over the holidays i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck you can't call my house merry christmas suck my dick i don't give a fuck i don't want to hear from you about there's no call to january for it i'll be over there i'll be over the orange bow you know what i'm saying make sure you got those wings uncle lee likes that sucks to people without money what woman wants to be alone during the hour why do you

think guys are trying to be rich all the time just uh i get a mistress i was thinking about this a lot of dough this is the move you get like one of those islands and you just kidnap women just go around put a van kidnap them get like 10 of them flying out the island just make them run around naked and shit and live off the island you just jump by your helicopter and hunt them and shit you're gonna do it do it you know what i'm saying why sit on the couch how often is there a hunt do you like to do every day when i have my agress ship probably every day lee at least maybe two three times a day on weekends you're at home snorting viagra and

oxygen you understand me you're showing up your dick is purple you're showing up your dick is purple they see your dick and they faint it's like they're seeing the beetles for the first time it's she's dating the shit women the fainting and shit what what what what it's like a triangle like what do you do your dick's gonna need a deep tissue you can i just i i leave i sit there sometimes not because i want to do it just i go wow how could somebody do this i can't even walk out of the house at 6 30 like i wouldn't even know what to do and where to go what about just the massage parlors that seems like they because they love never call you who like the hand job places are you fucking crazy i'm a 53

year old man disgusting what makes you think i want some fucking asian chick with a missing fucking tooth gross give me a hand job in north hollywood and dog you go in there listen red man knows all about that you go to a web page and they'll tell you who sucks your dick he's told on that they'll tell you who rubs you down who takes anal who does all that shit listen man there's a thousand one fucking diseases out there and you want to take a chance i can see if you're 42 and you know you're fucked up and you don't have a girlfriend nobody to go home to you you gotta go to desperate measures but you got a wife at home you go to a fucking massage parlor to get a hand job how many dicks you think they rubbed that they do you think they even have

fucking light saw and wipes in those fucking places they're just gross to begin they just they they're fucking their hands so they're never hot huh they're never good looking i just uh i don't know it's scared it scared me when i was 16 it scared me when i was 16 i saw vd live in color my buddy got vd and i had to go with him to the clinic and there was a guy or a chick with foam coming out of a fucking mouth like scabs and shit once you see it and action you're like you know what i didn't get my dick sucked on the corner no more it's over that chick ain't ever sucking my dick any other questions lee yes actually no because then we covered uh massage partners uh and money pan pan mistresses what's nice okay this is actually jiu-jitsu one so i i

only got to see a couple fights yesterday but the one i did see was dirush um and they kept saying he was like a jiu-jitsu blackball he was great and he he lost and he gave up his back and got choked and when i went to see joe yesterday i said i was gonna say like how does that happen but then i was thinking about it and the cool thing about jiu-jitsu i guess is that anyone that can't happen often it happens like more often than i think it happens in a lot of other sports so what do you what is it like as because you've probably been on both sides of it as someone who's been the underdog and overtaken and then been the like the person who's supposed to win and then lose as it happens well there's it's like a sword fight like game of thrones right

they're both um decent at the sword fighting uh maybe they're black belt sword fighting one wrong move and anybody could slice each other's head off one wrong move right you can't they're both good even if one even if one is a purple belt swordsman that's still a motherfucking sword it's still a finishing uh weapon so i get caught by my fucking purple belts if i'm caught if i'm uh not on high alert at all times i get caught i get caught legitimately one wrong move boom uh like once a week a purple belt gets me you know my guys are fucking vicious and uh anybody could get caught so you know i was the speaking of ebi which is coming up again the last ebi we had Javier Vasquez on and he ended up losing and but he's like a monster legend in

sport so Javier Vasquez yeah but all the guys in ebi really good they all have swords but that's a boom but that's but it's that's a point i think yeah they all have swords one wrong move you know a guy that's been training seven years could take out a guy that's been training 15 years easily one one zig when you shoot a zag boom boom and that's fucking that's a wrap that's a sword man one to the pop up you got to have your shit perfect to not get caught and you could pull that off too of course anything that happened you you could jack the guy he could jack you quick it could be a long war uh stalemate positional battle you know and it's and then it's kind of cool that you're the first jiu-jitsu tournament getting bought by the UFC because they either the fight

pass has been uh getting making deals with a bunch of other organizations and it's it's really cool that you've made a way to make it entertaining and so anything can happen so far so good man this show could be a disaster it could suck i mean you know i'm hoping for the best but uh you know after we made the first dbi i was i would have been totally cool just ending it right there i'm like we got one motherfucking show we did a show and we ended we did record it we got the tape like we have the tape let me see the tape we did it we have one show i would have been cool with one show because i knew it would have just based on the reviews and the instant you know after ebi won most comments most people coming up to me with like that was the most exciting jiu-jitsu event

i've ever seen that was normal and i thought wow fuck if we don't do another show if this is it oh i'm good with it it was a success we could walk away right now and then we did we did another one and then damn again another success i'm like shit i could end it you know we could just have remember those ebi shows that was one and two and then that's it you know we did it it's over we did it nothing you could do to take it that away we did it i'm good with it and then the next show is i will do a third one you know it'd be cool if uh if it you know got crazy and and maybe got on uh i don't know hbo or some shit or fox bought it fuck that would be nuts let's try it out let's let's see if we could do a shit we're getting good reviews fuck it let's do it i never want to be a

fucking uh promoter for an event i'm there's a lot of a lot of a lot of it that i don't like you know i don't like uh constantly trying to um sell it you know i'd like talking about it but fuck is let's just watch it and and enjoy it and not really i wish i didn't have to talk about it so much to tell you the truth you know what i mean i'm not like a fight promoter i'm not like a dana white dana white is the fucking master he's the coral belt fight promoters i never wanted to do this shit uh i'm very passionate about it and i'm doing everything i can to make it entertaining i'm doing everything i fucking can uh but um i just i just want i just want it's a good product man i just different it's a good product you're having fun you can tell when you go down

there you know the thing that always fucks with me constantly is that my buddy is like a significant Brazilian jiu-jitsu guy across the country like how fucking crazy is that like you go to main and do a seminar like you're well known you're like Chuck Norris in 1974 that's hysterical that's that's hilarious that's i'm a pussy i'm a pussy mexican poor mexican kid who wanted to be a rock star you know what i mean look what i mean you're a different type of rock star so weird out right now you're chuck norris 1972 return of the dragon i just come out Bruce Lee killed them they didn't do that bad you know what i'm saying i do come on people know who you are like even though Bruce Lee is the main man

any problems right there on the heels you're like billy jack you know billy jack is the indian you know billy jack is no i don't know i'm billy jack this is the guy who's after Ralphie make he's a cowboy the best karate an indian yeah an american but he's a white guy but he claims he's indian and and so he's all proud of that but he looks like a white dude and uh he uh he's probably like one sixteenth indian or something and he does fucking karate and he's he's got that roundhouse kid what are they called billy jack he's the roundhouse right he's the movies you gotta watch your paula willard band with the rats i told you to bring that home that you'll blow her fucking they look at billy jack and shit okay billy jack ready oh keep going keep going keep going keep

going down keep going no no you're fucked up see you fucked up right there billy jack right foot waps posna's face you know what i bet photoshop steve puts my face right in that billy jack forget about it it's over take this out at least say it this is the real deal Lee i'm introducing you the fucking uh you know look at look look at billy jack this is like the american Bruce Lee this was right around the time bruce lee died i was about to die they threw this guy at us i went to see this in the movie theater that's high death i'm one of these fucking momos how come the quality seems so good because they fixed all these all these are hd classic clips our friend that gave us this tv he's in jail right now he does that where they take all these old

movies and they redo them so you can watch them now and they resell them this is that high definite what's it called these four k check out this four k is this four k this is a four well this tv's four k i don't know if the yeah this is four k tv it looks really good look at this fucking looks brand new this trim look at it look at it i'm like is this a parent where do you take your shoes off where the fuck do they take your shoes off so special so above the law you think you can do just as you please i told you you'd make a mistake and i'd be waiting watch his feet you can keep with his feet he can do anything he wants with his feet really think those green beret karate tricks gonna help you against

all these boys well it doesn't look to me like i really have any choice now it doesn't but that's right it looks like cowboy sarong you know what i think right here just for the hell of it tell me i'm gonna take this right foot and i'm gonna warp you on that side of your face and you want to know something there's not a damn thing you're gonna be able to do about it really really there you go lisa dammy pimp slapped him with his he go away he now he caught he starts busting him son of a bitch there you go look at him look at them lea this is the real deal right here lea look at them look at them climbing into trees like an indian getting his bow and arrow it's over

damn i gotta take another piss piece of trash you gotta take out your thyroid though something's wrong with your asshole you're killing me something like that huh i i swear the last one you're not supposed to be drinking that wicked shit i know this last one i'm sorry i discussed your fucking your uh yes i mean kid juice you know what i'm saying let me do some fucking whatever's real quick but he's in the bathroom no they gotta go get fixed up first first off today i'm gonna give a shout out to my main man matt baker over at bakersfield bjj came up and helped me today i loved him he taught me some great stuff my man car ward don wrangler bobby sherman and cristal down there and fucking austin young chipotle albert arilano becky dominguez ryan russell and j

bechero i'm coming to pittsburgh cocksucker what's up with you lea say it look at your eyeballs they're on fire this weekend thursday friday saturday buffalo new york mother fuckers the following week indianapolis may i'm in sacramento and my main man pittsburgh who you think you're dealing with time time time time time time let's take another hit of death here lea what do you think you want to take three hits or another start you want to take it for the murky waters i'm deep in the murky waters uncle did you bring any wings home from that place what'd you bring home nothing nothing survived huh nothing it was delicious what did paul eat she had a like a cheeseburger with blue cheese and bacon it's the same thing as stout unbelievable

when i go to stop because this place was me because you're a fucking momma that's why because on friday saturday sunday you lose your nuts yeah let's go there let's go all the way over there and get your cheeseburger which they can get you around the corner and it's the best one in the world unbelievable you just lose it on friday saturday sunday you going yelp some fucking my momma tells you a cheeseburger i know my momma told me it was i tasted it i think that fucking guy he poisoned people there you go stone to the fucking geltar i love it i love sunday nights you got nothing to do this is what it's all about sometimes doing a podcast on sundays you guys get it on monday

morning it's a little too slow it stopped you ready to go and shit you know i'm saying it's a new week motherfucker this tax week bitches this is it motherfucker you gotta pay your taxes they throw bitches in jail for that i didn't pay my taxes for 13 years i don't know what happened the computer wouldn't could put but i just went down and turned myself in and i put they put me on an easy payment plan i never missed a big and here we are today with no fucking military time you understand me next thing you know you're in the sound next to blade what's his name who the fuck is a fuck westley snacks yes look at me no fucking gum and shit like that so that's good i'm happy and then where's it gonna stream ebi well you can watch it on ufc fight pass um

it's also going to be available on dish network pay-per-view and in-demand pay-per-view and online pay-per-view if you don't have ufc fight pass you can go to fight tv f i t e dot tv um the ufc made all that happen i mean once we signed with ufc fight pass uh they they're they're the ones that decided to take it to like their pay-per-view network as well which no other show on fight pass no other like fight show there's a bunch of mma shows on there but we're the only grappling show and they decided to you know really push it and man it's fucking crazy and there's commercials for it and shit like while you watch ufc on fox they showing a commercial for a bi i mean that that's pretty nice deep down inside i'm very proud of you because i was thinking about i'm like i know

strip club and now you have a fucking bona fide you know jujitsu fucking emporium of death i'm surrounded by wonderful people my association is just there's no way i could i mean i haven't competed enough to really do you know to really uh really leave that much of you know the competitive legacy or whatever i i didn't compete that much um but my guys i got a whole legion of warriors out there laying it on the line and you know dedicating their lives to competing like geo martinez richie martinez daniel percopos all these guys are nathan orchard these guys are on the front line laying it down you know and um i without them you know i'm nothing so you know what what i tried to focus on is building

a team where we all work together and we all pull our own weight and we all make a difference and when anybody does something spectacular everyone benefits we're all you know if someone in 10 planet phoenix does something big 10 planet rochester they all feel it you know it's you know i'm i like uh involving everybody and putting focusing on the team aspect and not like me just means everyone's involved and i'm doing what i can with what i have to propel all of us but i can't do it alone i need like you know i need fucking warriors and barbarians you know to go out there on the front line and and uh you know take some heads off and it's fun fun man it's the funnest craziest shit ever i'm really i live my life building soldiers

and an army and you know mastering the system is the the way i get all my strategies and techniques and everything we're putting together that's how we keep everybody on the same page mastering the system is huge and um it's so much fun god damn it we know what i when i'm teaching i'm always looking at the clock because i'm hoping that there's more time to teach i'm never looking over like you know what you're on stage you're on fire you want a fucking other hour you know what i mean you know you get that feeling like you don't want that fucking light like fuck the light you know give me another 10 if someone you know what i mean uh when you're on fire that's how i feel every night every night i'm like fuck i could go

another hour but you know what they're gonna spar and they're fucking probably pissed off i go we could keep drilling i love it every night so it's it's a beautiful thing i i i can't fucking believe i'm living this life you know it's it's pretty crazy and the proof isn't the pudding man i see pictures on facebook from 10 different fucking cities you know and uh yeah man more and more enthusiast and hey this is what this is this all started with a fucking little dream and a little bit of belief in what you had to say you know the Beatles were good but Soundgarden thought they could do it better do you know what i'm saying that's what happens that's all that happens Soundgarden was good but uh well it doesn't matter i like Allison chains no no no i'm just a little

bad i'm just saying no i'm just saying that listen man Elvis did it but somebody you know the guy from the straight cat story could do a little better you know you know to become a comedian you gotta watch somebody on tv and go i could do that this guy ain't doing dick meanwhile the guy's won two Grammys he's got 10 HBO special in the back of your mind you're like this guy ain't doing dick i could do what the fuck he's doing and you write three minutes and you go down to an open mic and you eat dick dog and you gotta make a crucial decision whether i'm gonna go on with it or i'm not and i never understood why quit like why you know what i'm saying like i loved it from the very

from the very beginning it fucking alerted me like it just lifted my fucking head like i still remember that night getting off stage and and sitting around to talk to the headliner his name was matt woods how's that for you i still remember who the headliner was none of you guys ever heard of matt wood look at the shape of the he can't even focus his eyeballs none of you guys ever heard of matt wood but to me he was the biggest guy ever on stage that night and then he gave me good advice after that and i still remember driving back to boulder from Denver going what the fuck just happened to my essential nervous system like it just fucking blacked out like it just sizzled and this time bro i think about that night once a week

when i come home at night and i leave the commie storm i'm driving on a lower canyon that's what i think about sternum i'm coming home july 19th 1991 fucking july 8th june 18th and i was it must have been 10 o'clock at night i thought my head was gonna explode i couldn't feel my fingers and shit and i would have to go right back and be in a room for the next day and shit i was like this is terrible i gotta figure out how to do this shit full time well um i know you probably don't remember because it was such a blip and just a tiny little speck and blip in life but there was a time where joe took me under his wing and he wanted me to go on stage and do some open mic nights and i did it nine times and i came to the conclusion

right there that i'm like man you need to be good at this it's just like jujitsu you gotta put a lot of fun oh my god it's a lot of time i knew it right there i knew if i was gonna do this i was gonna have to spend a lot of time and at that point i was already uh you know it was already jujitsu and music now i'm gonna add comedy and i i told joe i'm like i i would have to spend too much time to get good at this i don't have that time and i can't do it you i thought you could i thought comedians just go up and just talk some shit once i realized how much work there is that i realized that i didn't have time for it well listen that applies to a diet yeah that applies to that applies to 22 000 things that applies to anything people wake up one morning and go you

know what i think i want to do this and they go down there they take such an emotional beating that they can't go back yeah or or they realize what you realize see with me it took me three years it took me three years to finally it came to me one night that this is gonna be fucking work bro this should i've been doing it ain't gonna cut it yeah this should i've been doing this little game i've been playing with myself this has been good it's a learning experience but it ain't gonna work out for me and right there i dove into it you know like i dove into it the whole lifestyle like that was it hook line and fucking sinker drugs drinking writing jokes and going out the next night whatever you could do you know so that's the problem with most people

and it's just not jujitsu or stand up or it could be playing the guitar listen i played the bass bro i tried it i went to like three or four months of lessons it just wasn't for me i was thinking about i'm writing something right now and i was thinking about my freshman year in basketball that's all i wanted to do was start freshman year at all i was doing my seventh and eighth grade year yeah i was playing basketball but i was getting ready for freshman year i knew who was playing at all the other schools i knew who was gonna go to north bergain our if you did mathematically there was no way i couldn't start at it mathematically there was no way i couldn't start i was that good against who i was going up against i could jump better than them i could

rebound better than them i could shoot better than them when i got the freshman year at it i didn't even play i didn't even play i think i played like maybe some four games five games it destroyed me it destroyed who i was because i had put so much effort into this and on the playgrounds i would sizzle motherfuckers they're starting team in school practices they couldn't stop me at the end of the game in practice but he continued to fucking he didn't like me years later he admitted he wouldn't he goes i fucked and did not he goes the only reason why i put him on the team was because i knew i get too much pressure but he wasn't gonna start he wasn't gonna play he didn't like me just from the general but i took it a different way i beat myself when i quit till

this day and i feel bad about that even though i didn't i wasn't no six for four what the fuck was i gonna do once you get to the pros those fucking black dudes will kill you you know what i'm saying you're gonna show a five for the leaven this is like dudes a bitch i went through the same goddamn thing yeah so you know you go through the failures and you accept them but every day i get pissed about basketball especially during nc double a basketball like march if i'm in a bad mood it's because of basketball because 30 fucking years later i'm still pissed off that i quit fucking i didn't go about for five more years so by quitting that that shit made me stronger like that shit made me fucking strong but like i couldn't quit fucking comedy there was no way

just because of what i learned with basketball yeah there was no way you don't want to feel that fuck no fuck no and this shit i did from day one you know i was a i was a chef of fucking one of those restaurant denny's one of those places what uh in the in the 80s i applied in there i wanted to be a bartender like no you gotta be a cook i wanted to learn the menu i went there for two minutes they told me to put those potato skins in the microwave when i see those things bro i can't give those to human consumption i ran the fuck out i couldn't be one of those people but i knew these things going in day one when i got a job building scaffolds the dude told me the first day you scared the heights me fuck no i could fly a fucking helicopter dog you ever

hang a scaffold no i've never hung a scaffold you have no idea my friend once you get to the third floor i don't fuck with that shit once you get to the third floor of hanging a scaffold july of 1983 i got a job hanging a scaffold right off the bat for $15 an hour i did the math i figured out how many weeks i was in the work before i quit you know i'm saying like i went home 15 an hour i'm gonna raise after a month to 18 i'll put away this money i'll do this i do this i'll do that i already had a plan i was in the work for a year and go back to school dog i quit the third hour the third fucking hour when they told me to climb up to the top and they were going to hand me scaffold and i would have to put it into the hinges and climb up and wait for the guy to give it to

me again and hang it fuck you what do you say this i said hold on i gotta go to the bathroom and they're like oh it's behind there i never came back and then i showed up a week later we got a job on the same construction site only drilling now this is after i robbed that construction site of course why not my butt how i knew that construction site because my buddy took me up there when they were in the beginning and they had already built the condo so the condo already had furniture in it so they could show it to future investors i went over there with them one day that night i told his brother listen they got towels they got everything up there we're sitting here with one fucking towel like a half a fat couple let's go up there and rob that fucking

plate we went up there with a wheelbarrow any problem pillows or couch table fucking the whole bedding we had no bedding we took everything every fucking thing and then i went up there and i got the job as a scaffold dude and then i quit after two hours and then i came back a week later and got a job in and in putting in railroad ties you have no idea you're gonna get a drill and drill them and then pick them up and drill again and hit them with a fucking sledgehammer until the fucking Dracula thing goes through i did that for about four days till i got a paycheck then i fucking quit that and i became an asphalt guy all right this is all in like three weeks i work at tv s all right i became an asphalt guy and then i was snowing cougar one of the asphalt guys and i

brought $250 from and he goes all right i'll just take it out of your check tomorrow he gave me the $250 and he gave me the check and he goes i'll see you tomorrow the next day i went to the job they weren't there that monday i went back to the job they weren't there called the office the company went out of business and went back to new york city fucking crazy shit was happening to me like that like just crazy construction shit then i got a job fucking laying brick and that was good i did that for about three months until the guy fucking laid me off for the winter that job was cool that was easy but that's shit you work lisa at i was a fucking mule those days lisa you understand me fucking thinking dealing with this shit when i was 15 all my friends just long-haired mexicans

speed metal lovin talking to the mic satanic satanic lyric writing and uh we uh got a job at a mexican swap meet which is a drive-in theater at night you know the drive-ins just use these these steps swap meets that's how he went to the movie three markets right you know what i'm talking about he that's what he went to the movie yeah the drive-in it was great yeah and they had the during the day they have swap meets there and the snack bar for the drive-in is actually the snack bar for the swap meet too so there's all these stands are like a flea market then you go to the snack bar and buy shit so we it was very hard for us to get jobs we're all long-haired but we had a connection at the drive-in and uh we all got hired we're 16 years old and they didn't know what to do with

this they knew they couldn't make us in charge of uh put us in charge of any food so what are we gonna do with these long-haired dudes they felt sorry for us so they met us tie up our hair and they decided that we were going to be in charge of taking care of the coke stands that were uh throughout the flea market there was coke stands and there'd be a person working selling coax and we would supply them with ice we would take the breaks for them we were four dudes just walked around the swap meet um covering for these coke stands so the scam was is they counted everything by cups like when a person would be in charge of a stand they take a bunch of cups and that's how they figured out the the inventory we would take cups from the snack bar where we would

fill trash cans with ice to keep them stocked with ice all day stocked with ice stocked with coke canisters we would break into the storeroom by the ice take cups put it in the trash can then fill it with ice and then we would we would wheel the ice the trash can filled with ice that had cups underneath to a stand and we'd say take your break and take your time so they would be gone and they would take their hour lunch and me and my boy we would just be selling the coax like our coax like our cups and then it would be like 90 degrees in the swap meet a line of coax we're just selling them all that's how we made our money and then when they'd come back from their lunch to go uh wasn't too busy we didn't really sell that much you didn't even sell 10 cups

to the people a little bit we sold a little bit a little bit we sold 10 coax really we sold 50 that's how we that's how we bought our equipment that's how I bought my drums scams like that that's how I bought all my uh music equipment PA systems and shit it's fucking crazy this shit we did growing up I didn't have any money no it broke as fuck listen man at least you didn't have any money I had money and I did that type of shit growing up that's where the real shameless I feel like Tommy from the comedy store you know what I'm saying you're robbing from the comics don't mean why you get a trust fund the fucking mail what the fuck man this shit is that that's not fair you know when I was when my mom was alive and I was doing stupid shit I was doing a lot of being a dumb fuck

like there was no need for me to act like that you know I'm saying like whether it was at that time we used to go down to the railroad tracks and take motorcycles and take punks and light them on finding some door to door I didn't need to do that but I like to financial independence you know I'm saying I like to make ten dollars that she didn't know I had I always dug that there was something about that there yeah she gave me 20 and she thinks she I got 40 in that box but I really got 40 in that box but I got 80 under the bed from the scam I did you follow me and I can hide my scam and she'll keep giving me fucking 20s those 80s ago one fuck that's that was my thinking at that early age you know I'm saying like I was one of those creepy motherfuckers who the fuck knows why any problem

we all made it we were kids man we were kids we didn't have shit we had no that's what we did that to survive man we didn't have anyone else 15 years old you know it's so funny my wife came home the other day and she said that she went to look at this house and that she was talking to this lady and then she goes it was the weirdest thing the lady started talking about a kid the kid six and then the kid speaks three languages and then the kid's gifted and I go you know what man the kid's gifted but 20 years from now that girl's only be retarded because she was gifted they kept telling her that she was gifted that's what that football player said remember two years ago and he made him give the trophies back he said that's the fucking problem these people were fucking gifted

you know you know what man you know who's gifted I was I think about it now I look at my daughter what she's doing and I look at what I was doing at my daughter my daughter's age I already knew two languages and my father was dead my father stopped coming home after a fucking week after I turned three you understand I'm trying to say that's gifted and shit like that because I could handle my mom said every time a door would open I would look at the door to see if my dad came in that's fucked up I don't even know what I'm telling you I'd have dreams that my dad my dad was gone for my life from 14 to 27 and then he showed up when I was 27 I didn't see him since I was 14 and uh between that time between 14 and 27 I didn't know if he was alive never heard from him

he just disappeared and he told me he was going to at 14 he said this is the last time you're gonna see me just because my mom was dating someone else and he was like you know I'm just gonna leave you guys in peace I'm gonna be out of your life it's best if you know I don't I don't complicate things meanwhile I was he was just there to bang my mom anyways he's full of shit he had 19 kids he was getting everyone pregnant he didn't give a shit he was he always he would come by every now and then to just to bang my mom and and uh uh take me with me and my friends in the movies and dump us off and just hang out with my mom you know what I mean he was a scoundrel but I would dream I would dream that uh I would see him like in his truck because he was a truck

driver by day he delivered food to restaurants and I'd have dreams like there he is chasing shit I wanted to see my daddy you know it's crazy when my mom died I remember months later I moved right around the corner and if I went out on Fridays or Saturdays or during the week I got fucking drunk I would always go by the house and I would just sit in the stool just to see if maybe they made a mistake and shit even though I seen them bury my mother for some reason the back of my mind I wouldn't believe it I would still go to the corner and still walk up to the house and I would walk behind the backyard just to see if there was a light on because that meant that they made a mistake you know I'm saying that's how fucking crazy

your mind is when you're a kid what the fuck most anyway let me do the sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of here it's getting late it's a Sunday night it's Monday morning I'm happy you guys came on as usual on it I love these motherfuckers whether it's the shroom tech or the alpha brain or the hemp force protein or the new doche mix the almond banana fucking there on it one thing about Aubrey is he ain't fucking around down there you know their main flagship is the alpha brain you like it you try you don't it's a money back guarantee no questions asked I'm a firm believe if a company does that they're a bad motherfucker and yes honor has kettlebells and you know weighted vest and fucking batons I can't do nothing to you there all I could do yeah they

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yes Don't stop me running, I'm a fool for the chase Play the game, surrender to me Look at how I don't want to play this Isn't anyone there? You got me coming on the rider Coming out from there You're going to rock the rider

It's self-consentable, I'm sure Everybody says it's natural, let it go To my passion, it wants to win Oh, now I know it's crazy Isn't anyone there? You got me coming on the rider Running out from there You got me coming on the rider

You got me coming on the rider You got me coming on the rider I'm coming on the rider It's self-consentable, let it go To my passion, it wants to win Play the game Play the game You got me coming on the rider

No better roses, they grow better all I'm walking where a storm will come I'm gonna listen, nobody's gonna cry Isn't anyone there? You got me coming on the rider Running out from there You got me coming on the rider You got me coming on the rider

You got me coming on the rider Running out from there You got me coming on the rider You got me coming on the rider You got me coming on the rider I'm coming on the rider I am coming on your side You