Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #373 - Luis J. Gomez

Episode Date: April 21, 2016

Luis J. Gomez, Comedian, Podcaster, Radio Host and "Real Ass Dude," also heard on The Legion Of Sksnks podcast among many more joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. ScoreBig - When you go to ScoreBig.com, use prom code: JOEY. to get $20 off of your first order. Also check out the Score Big IPhone App.   Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey and download the Free Headspace App and start your Take10 10 day free trial .   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 04/20/2016.
  

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The show is also brought to you by on it comm go to on it comm and use promo code church to save 10% on all of their great optimization products like Albra brain Kick that mule flea That's as loud as it goes Kick it kick this motherfucker I don't get the e-phones blow. I don't give a fuck if you hear sockets Are you fucking kidding me a 400-pound black man singing like that didn't give up fuck

Channel show double the tuxedo Buckle the chicken and you get your fucking little monkey And then he sings to you who does that type of shit See you through April 20th. You bad motherfuckers you listen to the church of what's happening now Please say Louis Gomez from Paterson, New Jersey Becky's in the house I want to do oh shit, what's the story that dog look at you y'all smiling

You got your sugar night sugar night shirt. I got tacos that might not have been lizard We're hoping you did well. Now. Where's this place at? This place is on Burbank because you keep telling me that the place I went to had lizards Burbank right up here on Lakeerson Burbank on Lakeerson cuz you kept telling me and I'm gullible already that place of Jesus Christ. Now. What is this place? I have this we said skin this place is not with the potato tacos like that would be too hard for you No, but the beat everything else at the potato taco place isn't good at 19 potato tacos Why are you killing yourself bouncing everywhere? I've never seen something like this

Until I met my Puerto Rican Italian brother Louis Gomez Listen dog how the fuck do you live in these coasts and you go to Taco Bell? What business do you even have in Taco Bell at this age? I'm telling it's because I am a pothead and Can't go to Taco. Well, you're there's not very many good tacos in New York. You know about a slice of pizza I don't even give a fuck who makes it a black dude. Anything's got to be better Yeah, you even told me yourself you work to Taco Bell. Why would you go back then get that meat? Sometimes you make mistakes, bro No, there's no mistakes like that. Listen, it's not like an everyday thing

It's like once a year. I fuck up and then I'm like, dude, you know what? I'm gonna get a fucking Crunchwrap supreme. I fuck up or chalupa. I fuck up, but you worked it You saw behind the curtain. Yeah, that's what I don't understand. You saw behind the curtain. We go I'm not talking to some fucking kid from you know Men you know some fucking bump fuck you're a Jersey guy. Yeah, how the fuck you saw behind the curtain You went in there and you could tell when you put the meat in the water that could be a finger That could be somebody's missing fucking aunt a dog I don't know what the fuck you eat and listen. I like Taco Bell, too

I threaten myself to go to Taco Bell. That's how you punish yourself. I but I won't go Yeah, I won't go and I listen nobody likes those sour cream things in there that burrito supreme Well after you got two or three joints in you that shit's the McDaddy bomb chalupa the chalupa What's the chalupa? That's they take the gordita shell then they fucking fry it. They deep fry it It's like that crunchy chalupa You just can't get that even if you go to a real taco place in New York There's a place in East Harlem on 1 16th and 3rd that has banging tacos It's like some of the best tacos in New York City and the stand comedy club

They have the best fish taco I've ever had in my entire life period fuck everything you heard in, California Go to the stand comedy club in Gramercy the best fish taco. I've ever had in my great food period Unbelievable. They got great fucking food No, I've never been there. I've heard that's all I've heard the fucking food there and they put it down your throat Yeah, like as soon as you walk in the hand your menu and they're like you got to eat something You got to eat something and even if you ate you got to eat and last time I went I don't know what the fuck it was. It was George It was me and my brother George went and we just ate something like they just brought us like sandwiches

I'm not a big sandwich guy when I'm in New York. I know it's sandwich. I want it was fucking brilliant Yeah, like most places most comedy clubs have like chicken fingers. Yeah, I shitty fucking menus not the stand Well, that that was the thing that was their angle. That was their angle Yeah, they're like we're gonna have good fucking food good drinks the environment You're gonna feel like you want sushi your get dressed up like I had all that's what I had the ahi tuna sandwich Yeah, yeah, like they don't fuck around with spinach on it and fucking like a reoli sauce like it was everything there is banging You're right. No, when I go to listen I fuck around when I come here and even here like I was sitting there yesterday and Lee was there Lee came by and I

Was sitting in the front and also in a Domino's pizza or something like that And my daughter looked at me and I looked at her and some times I find weaknesses and I'll buy one of those pizzas I won't do it man. I'm from a place where pizza was invented. I can't fold but on the road Here's the thing man on the road. I've had great pizza on the road not here I've had great pizza on the road I'm on the road I went to Montreal and I Lord Domino's because the pizza in fucking Canada just blows across the board Yeah, why would you think that you're gonna make a good piece in Canada?

Because I was the entire country of Canada. You can't know. Here's the problem I don't think bananas used to get heroin from they were fucking Italian I forget what their name was and if you look at they got a family in fact Eddie Bravo had a school. They had a school when Eddie told me their name and I go Eddie That's a mafia family. There's an Italian family that sold they imported the heroin when the heroin comes over goes to Canada first Then it comes into the United States Follow those guineas There's gotta be a pizza

I went to Toronto and I know that the Chinese food was banging I had some burgers that were banging. I had great food and fucking try Cuban food in Toronto Toronto's got a big Cuban population. Toronto's like the New York Yeah, there's some good restaurants there But anywhere else is gonna be hard to find really good food if you want to you know, you get a a smoked meat sandwich or poutine They have those specialty shits in Montreal, but I had fun. I had Chinese food in Montreal. It was fucking awful. Yeah I ordered. What do they call it? Cold sesame noodles. They put peanut butter You should be shot and hung you should be shot

You just you couldn't order pork fried rice and take it from there You had to go right for the guts. Oh sesame and some noodles They're gonna fuck up anyway Because nobody makes Chinese food like where you were raised. Yeah, even in Paterson There's a great little Chinese place on the corner. Yeah, that's fucking delicious and they have what you're used to that flavor See when I go to Buffalo, they'll be good Chinese food The Chinese rice and it's dark as Jersey, but they still flavor it up. They got nice ribs They got a nice hot and sour soup, you know, you got a nice beef on the way

I'm looking forward to about a couple salads to balance you out a few wings Some blue cheese to get the farts going on the way back on the plane and at the airport and Buffalo on the way out You get a beef on wick sandwich Sunday morning at 6 30 in the fucking morning. They are not making beef on wick at 6 30 in the morning Yes, they are They're making tomorrow fly the gate 42 if you don't think I'm thinking about that hamburger with the fucking egg on top of it You're fucking out of your mind. My wife wouldn't got me a roll. I'm gonna make a nice egg Cheese fucking omelet. I'm gonna put on a sesame seed fucking thing I'm gonna make a little fruit smoothie with almond milk. I'm gonna take my blood pressure medication

I'm gonna smoke like 30 fucking numbers And I meet like three of these stars and I'm getting on that fucking plane with the iPod. It's over Yeah, it's something changed with airports. They started having good food very recently I almost feel like yes, it used to be all just like Cinnabon and horseshit fucking Harrod. Yeah, Harrod Now there's like pretty good like little fucking places like nice restaurant You get a good burger banging motherfucking Italian meal in Chicago. You get a In Long Island you get a fucking steak like a doctor. You go to fucking Canada airport. You're delayed. No problem Do you ever bring it on the plane? No, no, no, no, there's no need to there's no need to the stink up the fucking plane like a

Savage and shit like that. There's no need to why you got to bring your funk everything smells different on the plane McDonald's knows delicious when it's out in the open bring on the plane It smells like somebody's fucking rooted asshole like they tore it out And it's just hanging there with all the old shit dripping. That's what McDonald's smells like on a fucking plane So next time you're gonna bring you a fucking egg big muffin. I hope you get cancer. Don't bring on a fucking plane Okay, eat fast like I do inhale that fucking thing. So nobody even sees you and what how big is an egg big muffin? It's three bites. Yeah, three bites if you're fucking sad, but you that's like McDonald's anyway I'm always like embarrassed and I'm eating it. So I'll go in the corner like face away from it. Yeah

In 20 years, they're gonna throw rocks at you like when you eat at McDonald's people gonna throw rocks You're like you a whore like 2,000 years ago. They rocked you same thing when you eat McDonough. I hope so. I hope so I Hope so when they do it all the time people always bring like sandwiches like what's I know I know hummus But like what's the worst thing you've ever seen on the plane? I've seen hummus a man's foot That's the worst thing I've ever seen on the plane those fucking animals with slippers I hope the plane does go down. So they run a thousand miles No where sneakers and work boots like I fucking fly. Okay, you always get your toes covered in cases of fly or something They fly with flip-flops to be fucking cool. No, I don't bring none on a fucking plan. I bring refit

That's it a fucking vapor pen. I sit there with the iPod and I look straight ahead. I don't talk to nobody But don't get anxiety. Well, you're in first class a lot. What's fucking anxiety? How do you get anxiety like in the walk back to the one time I did it on the way to Austin? I had to walk all the way to back at the end of the plane. It took forever for like the food to guy I didn't like it was like too much almost It's not and you never get that way for you. What? Well, like we don't a plane. Well, there's something about the altitude On a plane it makes that flight a lot easier. Yeah, I have anything after three hours doing the hell

I'll take it Amtrak if it's under six hours. I'd rather Amtrak. That's not bad If you live on the fucking east coast you could Amtrak all the way to Fort Lauderdale The Amtrak is great, but it's it's more expensive than plane tickets now some places. Yeah Well, here's the deal with Amtrak if you call Amtrak. It's a cheap thing And you get then they put you in the back with a bunch of animals and people smelling shit But if you want to go to the cart, then that cost you 12 bucks. That's how they bang. Oh, you want a pillow. Oh You didn't tell us you wanted a pillow. That's eight bucks Yeah, they bang you throughout but then you give them a flat feet and everything comes inclusive. You have no drum

You got free Wi-Fi get to walk around the bathrooms are big Boston to New York is great. It's tremendous. You're trying to jerk off in an airplane bathroom. It's a fucking night Why would you have to jerk off in an airplane bathroom? Cuz you fucking got a long flight. I jerk off in almost every flight I'm ever on you put the blanket on You don't grip it you just hold on to your finger How do you do it on the plane I've always been like disgusting that is really fucking disgusting what jerking off in the airplane Yeah Dude, I'm I'm a firm believer in just getting that out. You just got to get it out of your body

Yeah, but do it before the plane. Yeah, but what if you're on a long flight to be on the fucking plane and jerk Why would so human being what if there's cameras behind those mirrors? There's not there's a legal they can't do that This is the idea. They do what they did Okay, so they're gonna blow their entire cover to be like, oh, we caught you jerking off Why do you think that fucking big mirrors back? No, they're watching you somewhere That's okay, that kind of turns me on even more they're watching you somewhere in DC giggling and they put in your file That's okay. Okay, and that's the only thing that got on my file I'm completely and next time they get pulled over

There's a dot with the feds could press and there you are jerking off in a fucking plane bathroom And they probably got you on 15 different flights whacking off. Yeah, so they got you in like a category six like once they pull you over They're just gonna shoot you Was mentally disturbed he fucking whacked off on planes. We got complaints. That's not what's happened with all these police shootings We don't know about it, but these guys were jerking off an airplane bath all of them and then shoot you just shoot them Yeah, this guy's a plane jerker offer Do you like watch videos on your phone? You just do it straight for memory Well, no cuz they block on the Wi-Fi on the plane. You can't look at any porn or anything

They block all of those sites you have to download pictures or video beforehand Then bring it in the back. I go in my whole computer since I text you I do I do that for hotels when I went because I'm always worried About the Wi-Fi at hotels. I'll pretty download it Just because otherwise I can't do it for memory. There's no way Yeah, but that's I can't usually because look you're in a pinch on a plane. You can't you can't stream Typically hotel Wi-Fi at this point is 2016. I mean you're getting good Wi-Fi in almost any hotel I also have I have Metro PCS people make fun of me because it's like fucking basically prepaid shit But I get unlimited data and I get a Wi-Fi hotspot

So I can sit in a fucking park and just stream videos non-stop and people make fun of me $50 a month and these motherfuckers are spending $120 a month in data Just dream porn in the park. I'm not streaming porn in the park, but if I wanted to I could That's not a bad idea. I don't know. I you don't like I can you do it from memory or no? Yeah, I can't you know, I go through different things I'll go through different like motions like sometimes I've just gone over porn and then I'm like, alright, dude. I'll just go off a memory I have a file on my computer

I can show you guys of like 60 different girls that I slept with That just pictures normal pictures of them. It's almost like just so that I can go back to my memories of those chicks What's wrong Joey, you know, you don't do that on the road. What's that? You don't you never do that? I jerked off in here the other day I came right here and rubbed it in with my foot and then we got left That's it Somewhere there's a kid growing in that carpet right now like a like a fucking bubble guppy not a bubble Those things are your kids that you fucking put in water and they grew seafish. Yeah sea monkeys Like a bubble guppy. That's you that you having a three-year-old kid right there

Louis Gomez, it's time for you to do a start. I can't do it. Are you having half of it? You're killing half half. I can't do it. You have to half half and you don't listen to me You don't want these fucking people saying Louis Gomez you want to church You didn't even partake. I mean it's bad enough. You go to Taco Bell It's bad enough. You jerk off on planes It's bad enough. You went to Taco Bell after you worked there and you saw behind the curtain And then it's bad enough. You didn't need a fucking start I remember one time I was working at kfc when I was 16 and I went for a jerk session

Oops, that's for the lead. Don't touch it. It's in the bubble guppy Lean likes bubble guppy juice you have a half baby half weed star growing out of your carpet. That's what you need We're going 800 milligrams. I was uh take a little bite of the wing. I'm gonna take a little tiny piece. That's it. So Now I feel like I I did something you did something. I'm gonna take you to where you need to go It really does taste like fucking weed. Jesus Christ. That's delicious. And it's got vitamin C I'm gonna be putting a fucking needle in my dick by the end of the night. No, you won't This is I was I was working at kfc when I was 16 and I wanted to have a jerk session I just wanted to like, you know, I'm a I'm a I got a crazy libido like my mom. I'm my mom my mom rented

fucking Clockwork orange when I was like seven and I remember watching like multiple gang rape scenes when I was a kid And I think it like fucked me up sexually because like I've always had a very very high libido I was masturbated when I was like eight or nine like really fucked up But I was Working kfc the drive-thru like prime time like seven o'clock like as busy as it could possibly be in west avish row new york And I was like, dude, I'm getting horny dude like because my dick was rubbing against the night Like, you know, I had polyester fucking shitty kfc uniform pants and I was like, I gotta get it out of me

So I went in the bathroom and I just lost track of time I got into my head and that's you had to use it was memories back then you didn't have internet or anything This is I'm 34 years old right now. So this is, you know, fucking nearly 20 years ago And I did I jerked off. I probably spent 20 minutes just jerking off in there like fucking edging like making myself almost come And then stopping myself Dude, I opened up the bathroom door. My manager in my kfc was his big meathead marine guy Dude, he was like, what the fuck were you doing? I was like, oh taking a shit He punched me square in the face

Just punch me. He didn't even know I was jerking off. He punched me for taking a shit for 20 minutes So I'm telling you I got fucking I have issues. So a six hour plane ride No, don't know guaranteed One of the biggest points of contention in my relationship why one of my my son's mother never got over it We went to the hospital to have my son She said, oh no We went to the hospital and before I knew we were going to be there for like 40 hours, you know what I'm saying? We had it, uh, she wasn't in labor. She didn't like her water didn't break. We had it induced, right?

So as soon as we got there, I was like, all right, let me go fucking rub one out really quick Because I don't want to get horny in the middle all of this and have to fucking be concentrating on a fucking boner So I I ended up telling the story on a podcast and she was fucking Live it. She never got over it She she could never understand how I could possibly go to the hospital with her to go have our son and jerk off Me neither. Well, some people get it. I'm fucking baffled here That you even thought about, you know, because that pussy's beat up. I was thinking about her It looks like somebody threw a grenade in there and you got it's fucking amazing. I had a friend once

That we went on a vacation. This is just how to beat 30 fucking years ago We went on a vacation And this motherfucker came into my room later on like a folder, you know, like when attorneys you see when a manila folder And we were just talking I went into his room. That's what it was. I went into his room to smoke or something We were probably 22 21. We went to hawaii three of us And I went to this moron's room And this guy had a folder like guys a fucking folder like it was just

And I asked him what's in there? You brought work with you and he goes no, no, that's my board And I go what is it and he would take certain pictures Out of playboy instead of bringing the whole playboy. He would just take the sections out and staple them That's when you're a professional Fucking pervert. I don't know what happened to that guy But I know for a fact he's got to be in jail for fucking something or he doesn't sleep at night Who staples

I had one page out of a magazine. So did I when I was a kid and it was under my carpet I couldn't even see a pussy no more. It had been rained on the shower leaked on it It was a fucking mess and I said I moved on with my life not only that And you know, I don't even know what the fucking he brought porn with him On that trip to hawaii like he was pissed. We couldn't get a vcr or something like that Like I just I knew this guy for like a year. They all had these trips. Let's go to fucking hawaii I was so fucking embarrassed. I could never imagine traveling with your fucking

Stash, I mean, it's still this long time. I get it. I completely get it I mean, look what are you gonna do? You're on a fucking beach. There's no porn There's no you doesn't know if you could buy a fucking the porno magazine at a fucking luigomas. Do you know I'm not Fucking nuts. Yeah, I'm fucking nuts And when I was 21 and doing drugs and I was even crazy I would go up to women and say shit. I had him. I had a friend growing up stinky This guy was a good looking dude. He was an Italian American Indian So every time he got hammered he went off character

He was a gentleman in the daytime But he would go up to becky after four drinks becky was known for four years. He go up to becky and go Who's next becky? Let me give that monkey a shot and he was so good looking that it worked 60 percent of the time You had three drinks in here. What the fuck? You know, so I learned from him. I would say fuck all that nice guy shit When you go to these clubs, you got to just tell these savages. Listen. I got a grandma fucking blow I got three kwayloons. You hear talking to this jerk off

About fucking insurance. Let's go up to the room. Let's eat your pussy Let's put a kwayloon in that motherfucker and put you to work And I just turned my back and walk away And six out of ten they walked back to the room with me and four times They just sit there like what the fuck did you just say to me? But I didn't give a fuck doesn't matter It's it's about it doesn't really matter. It's about going up to them and going listen. It's two o'clock You're talking to this jerk off. Look at him Look at him. You got you know, what's he gonna do the I got a name

You just show the rock you give her a taste Then just show it. I try like I'm obviously not saying I had coke but like I always I imagine okay You got to be like mean like you can't be nice and after like two sentences It just doesn't work not mean but affirmative confident and those days the cocaine and look at me. I'm a fucking bum I didn't give a fuck When I would do that coconut grove improv I would say things to women down there because everybody's snorting fucking in Miami everybody goes to coconut grove to snort and fuck

Nobody goes to there to see disney characters In 99 people went to fucking coconut grove to party and that's the way it was since the early 80s Coconut grove now it's changed and they have a couple clubs in the karaoke place So did like if you just saw a girl in a bar, right? Would you assume would you just open up with the coke line assuming she did coke? No, let's say we're talking She ended up in the circle. She's a good looking girl. Whatever Three phone at the comedy store. You got to ask them. That was the scariest I would never do it in a group the only time I ever did is if like they left the group

Oh, yeah, if they left the group then you got to sound like and if they're doing your blow It's even easy. You just tell them what's the story. Well, then they owe you. Yeah, what do you want to do? You want to send him? Let's go back to the whole town. I got a fucking two eight balls You got no work tomorrow. Well, but about my car leave the fucking car there. It's over And that's it In six out of ten times. I'll tie you up. Just tell them what you got been playing I'll stick a finger up. Yes. I'll tie you up and they'll just look at you dog Like what the fuck did you just say?

What do you give a fuck? Yeah, I learned that a long time ago with checks tomorrow morning You're gonna wake up and it's not gonna really matter. Nobody's gonna matter Everybody's fucked up. Everybody goes out for the same reason. Nobody goes out to go home alone Yeah So, you know Then why are guys so scared when they're young or maybe maybe I maybe I'm Everybody's fucking scared with the young because we buy into tv shows. We buy into grease that you got to sing You know what I'm saying? You got to sing to a bitch and shit. It's the same thing. Listen, dog

I Was friends with this girl that was the most aggressive woman I had ever seen in my life I never saw none like that. I never slept with her or nothing, but I hung out with her and she was very aggressive towards guys I mean to the point where she would make guys melt Do you understand like she would just knock them off that game? She would say what I was saying to women to guys And guys can't handle that that fucks me up if a girl guys can't have a girl's too sexy Dude, I guys can't handle that she would go off on guys if a girl like I hate condoms

But if a girl is aggressively being like, I'll take your condom off that just fucks me up I'm like, I can't I can't even I need to be the creep. I need to be the Right, I need to be the one who's hunting if I'm the one who's being hunted. It just kind of fucks my game up But that it's all night. He's right There's all numbers like if you literally go up to a girl in a bar a hundred girls and go Hey, let me just fuck you in the bathroom right now. There's a ratio. It's predetermined by the universe If you ask every woman in the world, there's a number one out of however many women are going to say yes And if you understand that then you that's where all your confidence comes from it's in sales

They say every no gets you closer to a yes. That's the theory right there. You all right say no, bitch The next one might say yes I once pulled a girl out of her house with her boyfriend Set the stage and took it to the hotel down to the corner I went to school and her name was lorry jack All right, they called the lorry jack because she didn't

she was from She was from wane, new jersey and transfers to most of my family's from k She transferred to north bergen her sob more you and started fucking But she had a dry pussy. So they call the fair view the dry hump I mean these guys are torture fair view is a city above north bergen So she didn't come or she didn't push it in get wet. So they call the fair view the dry hump That's such a weird thing to make something make fun of someone about these motherfuckers are crazy. Okay I didn't like her. I never really dug her. She always creeped me out a little bit. But at the end of the day

The bitch's face was fucked up like not no, she's still pretty on facebook. She's on facebook in fact I shocked her about three months ago, right? So she uh But the body was on fire at that age and I hadn't seen her from high school And one night I go to corkies and I'm fucked up. I got a fucking half and it's a coke in my pocket I'm been up for two days And who walks in with this chick with a fucking miniskirt on And then she starts talking to me like from high school. I knew her boy from the high school. So let's talk him to me

I give her a few bumps and the bitch disappears And I go this dirty bitch. She was looking like she hypnotized me with that little miniskirt on So she told me where she lived. She looked at this guy named ludenado When I was a kid ludenado thought he was a big shot and he opened up a massage paula And he wanted to hire me danie bianculo Jimmy volant like a bunch of us to be bodyguards at the thing and he wouldn't pay his cash He wanted us for the chicks to blow us and I had never gotten a blow job at that time So I went in there. I was like one of the dog guys there one night one of the girls like so

When do you want your blow job? I want you to come in my hair Listen to me. I ran home and almost cried coming your head. What are you talking about? I'm gonna waste my coming your head Who comes in there? I had never heard that before I ran the fuck out of it But anyway, ludenado was a pervert. He said he had a connection with the yankees I was there snorting coke one night two nights. I like lou. He was kind of crazy. He was one of those attorneys who just talked So she tells me she said louis danado says three o'clock comes guys. I'm fucking honed up I got maybe 40 bucks in my pocket, but I got a half ounce of the best coke in the fucking world A couple joints in the pocket full of pills

I got nowhere to go. I say fuck it. I'm gonna knock on louis danado's door Do you know I like want to knock on louis danado's door this motherfucker answered it with a robe like Like a playboy and he goes, what can I do for you? I go dog. Can I talk to the lawyer for a second? Something went down at the fucking Bar tonight. I gotta ask her some questions And she came down with a robe on i'm like You gotta come with me. I want to fuck you. I just broke it down in a minute. She's like, I can't lou I don't give a fuck about lou. Let's go and lou went downstairs

And let us talk So I go get your purse. Let's go. We just fucking tore us out of there And we went to the tip top hotel on tundly avenue and we walked in we had a fucking few cocktails and shit So i'm like, so what's the story you're gonna take those panties off and I know if he gets he goes You gotta guess what color they are And I go red and she goes they're orange close enough And that was all I remember like we just started storm blow and fucking and sucking that's all I remember Now this is friday night from four to maybe seven in the morning

And the next thing I know I wake up and dug fluty Is throwing that fucking bomb They're replaying that he had just thrown the bomb and they were about to interview him And I remember waking up. She was still naked laid there I washed in washed my cock brushed my teeth whatever the fuck I had and I just left of that And I never saw her again until three months ago on facebook and she friended me And I said to her do you remember what happened the last time I told her I saw you

She's like what I go, you remember you don't remember I robbed louis denado because louis denado left this deposit bag on top of the refrigerator So I took that to go on the way out to you know me dog. I was fucking nuts You stole his chick and then took the money on the way out the money on the way out to pay for the whole tower room Our unbelievable guys. I should be ashamed. How old were you in high school? No, I was uh way too old to be doing that 21 I just turned 21 We used to do that all the time

We used to bring chicks over the apartment me and davis smith And then when they go to the bathroom we go through their purse and just fucking take money out of their purse like scumbags Just pieces of garbage I I used to do magic tricks when I was like a little kid like uh like 14 13 years old And we we this was our game because I got a pretty good sleight of hand So we will play strip poker with chicks like teenage girls We just play strip poker and I'm just fucking pommin kings and aces the whole time Just getting girls naked like we're just sitting there with our clothes completely on we're fucking like all right, dude

I mean we were fucking just grimy assholes One night I was all fucked up. I had just been in LA two three years It's a monday night and I go to the live factory And I got a little bit of coke. I got like a half a 20 and that cutting it I'm like this fucking coke this fucking coke is terrible And I go to the live factory. I'm sitting behind there and paul would juice is on stage And some fucking hot chick is heckling I mean heckling

And he gets a thrown out and as she walks past when I go This is my victim for the night And she's out there yelling and screaming on sunset and I go out there and I'm like, what's the problem? and she's still talking to me and This bitch looks at me. She goes there bar around. It was a monday night. She goes there bar around here I'm like, there's tons of fucking bars around here. She goes. I just need a bottle of beer or a liquor store I go, uh, let's go over here. I didn't even fucking know whether how we walked like a block

We couldn't find that all I know is this chick went in her pocket And took out a wad that would kill the fucking horse at this time. I was living on gabin's couch Just getting $15 spots and I made the decision right there and I was mugging this chick Like right there in there. I knew that money was mine I had a car with no insurance no registration. The brakes were going We started talking. I gave her a bump to soften her up I get her in the car. I Take it down to soften her up. Sure to soften her up. You got to give him something

I take it down to fucking uh The liquor store like the shitty neighbor to hollywood. We got like a bottle of vodka We're drinking vodka and gatorade in the fucking car And then she tells me her story that she lives in seattle and she's down here for a convention And but this chick is too hot for this story and she's too, you know, I'm saying she's too horary and she's bad. The bitch is bad And all of a sudden she's down here for a convention and she's engaged and you know But I'm sitting there taking the bullshit. I know where this is going by this time. I'm a professional You can't get one by me, right? This is

This i'm 36. You're not getting that's all I got you. You're in my lair. It's all I don't even want to fuck. I just want to fucking take your money So she's telling me at this convention took it down in my lair You're in my lair. It's all You're taking uh, she came down here to go to a seminar Her job sent her to be a seminar to do some shit in an office and They kept the downtown at a japanese hotel Like a badass hotel. That's where the whole staff was so she goes if you take me down there

I have tequila in morocco. I go. Why are we driving around? In a car with no brakes. No insurance. No registration drinking when you got a fucking hotel room So we get down to the hotel room now the whole time it's 1130 and my coke dealer closes at one. So if i'm on a mug this bitch I gotta get to it. I gotta step this up. We have drinks. We toast, you know, she's like fuck it, you know This is on the company, you know and all of a sudden she starts telling me how she's stripped for four years So I knew finally the clouds part to show you the color of the sky. You know what i'm saying? So

I'm sucking all this in And i'm looking at that pocket that's thicker than a motherfucker And I give her two more bumps and show me a tense. Come on. I said she I can't i'm engaged She takes her tit out. So we're on once they once they say they're engaged and they drop the tit on you It's all good. Well, you got a commitment. You know what i'm saying? We're working with something I can take this to the next level. We got something I just back off a little bit give her air Let the tequila stick it to it and then we'll take this to the next level

I rip off the rest of the coke. We're banging the fucking coke out of lines not how other tits falling out I grab them. Can I smell them? Yeah, I'm sucking the whole fucking thing tits don't ever smell. I don't give a fuck right next thing, you know Next thing i'm feeling a monkey. I fucking open up. I can't i'm engaged I'm sorry. Don't worry. You know i'm respectful. I'm a cat. No, no, but eight minutes late. I'm back on like a barracuda This time I got a shoe on off I got the one shoe off you went for the shoe because I gotta take the pants off I'm not gonna eat a pussy half-wit. You know i'm saying like a fucking three-year-old. I gotta whip those pants off and shit So I take the shoe off. She starts to cry again

She puts it but this time she don't put the shoe back on so I know I got my hooks in her I know I got this dirty bitch. She's walking around with the apartment one shoe talking to me how she can't cheat on them She's never cheated on him. She loves him You know she buried his mother just a bunch of shit and the more shit she's telling me Another shot tequila too. I'm softening her up. I got her like in the fourth round now It's a seven round fight, right? But it's 10 after 12. I better get to it. I better get to it We start swapping spit her pants come on. I take the other shoe off

I start fingering her and she's talking she's half crying. I can't take your hand out. Just look at it. Whatever fun Next thing, you know, I get my fucking head between man. It smells like a gyro But I don't give a fuck because I'm trying to get her pants off But she left the shoe on the left pant So I can't get that fucking that scoop. So I had to make up a story why to take her shoes off So I don't like say something to and then just take the shoe off and take her pants off and eat her pussy I didn't give a fuck and now I'm eating and I'm fingering about I'm down the floor with this octopus hand trying to get those jeans You can't even be passionate like this anymore. They call it rape today

Doug I'm fingering they eat her pussy a klitz and lads all the whiff is coming out You know when everything starts coming out when you're Yeah, and next thing, you know, I hit the jureka. I hit the money I take the top out and it's a single I'm pissed. I got to eat that monkey. I'm taking and I'm ripping out singles What happened to the hundreds she had finally hit the hundreds And I take like two out and I leave it on the floor and I take another one out. Boom. And that's good enough for me I've already eaten this pussy. She's about to come. I already came just from looking at her naked

I'm done. I'm over there breathing heavy She said I can't believe you let me eat my pussy my ingot. Don't worry about nothing. I'm fingering her asshole She's going back down I put the money in my pocket and about a minute later I fucking get up and I go, oh my god I didn't put quarters in the meter I'm gonna get towed And she goes, all right heavy up come back. I fucking left. That was it. That's my fucking I didn't muggle completely Are you guys fans on facebook?

No, she disappeared. That's actually not it. That's a pretty good guy just to not rob rob her completely You could have taken all the money I just wanted to get high and I made it on the 101 from downtown I made it to Dante's by one o'clock That's all that matters. You understand me. I beat the deadline Sometimes you got to beat the clock though, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, man. This is the time but this is Listen, man That was half the fucking fun when you're growing up and you're doing drugs

Yeah, well the thrill the just the thrill of even doing that Like just to see if you can we used to we used to steal Like crazy We used to go to the mall And it wasn't it was for the money half the time But it was like just a thrill of I mean I the the guy the guy won't collaborate pizza would send us to the mall And he would just give us shoe sizes And he'd be like all right go pick up sneakers

He was like I need you know three nikes two rebox and we just give us sizes It didn't have to be a specific style and he'd give us $20 per pair of shoes That we would steal and I would just I had a buddy who worked there who gave me the key That you could just take the the things off at models and I'd walk in with shopping bags And just walk out with like 10 pair of sneakers in each bag And just walk the fuck out of the mall. I used to do it with um golf clubs too He would pay us like 20 bucks per golf club because golf club I never played golf, but apparently they're pretty expensive Thank god. Yeah. Taco Bell

Patterson and golf I shoot myself in the fucking head. Thank god. There's one bright fucking But I put one golf club down each leg and walk out like I had broken legs And we would do that almost two or three times a week We used to we used to rob the wishing well at the rainforest cafe And like two o'clock in the morning we go in and we would just fucking because they'd keep the mall doors open At the palisade center mall when I was like 17 18 years old and me and my buddy Toby Smith I mean, this is how we made weed money like for probably two years I mean, we would do this the fucking security they would chase us like fuck you because they can't touch you

They're not allowed to grab you in new york's. I don't know how it isn't cali But security guards can't put their hands on you. They can like try to detain you And call the cops, but they can't if you're stealing shit, but get the fuck out of my face What are you gonna do? Can't put your hands on me. That's it So we used to fucking take like a hundred dollars in change every like Tuesday and Thursday night And just go to the coinsaw machine and just fucking dump a bunch of wet coins Into the coinsaw machine That was it, but it was like it was fun in a way. It was like a fun weird thrill

I don't think I paid for toothpaste until I was 30 I mean, I would literally just take toothpaste from fucking Dwayne Reed and just just I'd be shopping and I'd just fucking drop it in my pocket Because didn't make sense to me to spend seven dollars on toothpaste, you know But listen from 78 To 2003 I robbed everything I could Yeah, I just robbed sometimes for the fucking sake of it sometimes to prove a point I robbed everything I could What's the biggest thing you ever saw?

I robbed a jewelry store like stuck them up No weapon went in there took the fucking shelves and ran out of that. Wow Before they had sick and this is on bergen line avenue In jersey which all those jewelry stores had buzzers I love stealing. I love stealing. There was something about it when I was a kid that I didn't like for the catholicism reason But once I did it like in the seventh grade. I was gone. Yeah, I was gone with it because everybody around me was stealing And they were talking about it. So it felt like it had been accepted It was almost like, uh, I don't remember who said somebody said it

But it's like, uh, it was in a movie the kid's father said it to him and it was like that's it if you can steal you won You know, if you didn't get caught Like that's almost like your work. That's how you got paid and I kind of like weirdly get it even almost on like a moral level It's like it's your job to keep your shit. You know what I'm saying? And if you're not if you don't have your eyes on people don't steal from me Because I'm very paranoid about people taking my shit. I never like leave my door open or you know I don't have a car anymore, but I would I would always make sure that it was locked But if somebody like got me I wouldn't feel like

I wouldn't feel like I needed to call the cops of like I fucked up because I didn't keep my eyes on my shit, you know Well, it's it's really weird how When I'm walking around that's what I'm looking for always is security flaws Like it's just a natural instinct of mine that I'm always looking for security flaws I see with my eyes a lot of other people don't see because I'm a criminal It's something you can't shake. It's in you. You know what I'm saying? So I see people's body movement, you know, you know people's body movement because that's a body movement you had I know when somebody's up to no good just by their body movement. I know the movements, you know

Last night. We had a weird situation those skateboarders. Oh, yeah I thought I was gonna have to run one of those motherfuckers over the car. See I'm at an age right now Well, I'll run you over with the fucking car. Yeah, like I don't have time to fist fight you. I'm not a commando I'm not a hand-to-hand combat guy that ship sale I see you at night by a 7-11 you told me I will fucking hit you with that fucking car and drag you And then back it up and run over your fucking head and I'll make up some fucking story. You understand me? I'm not take those kids last night. They were scary. Yeah, there were 10 of them You gotta hit four of them. Yeah gotta hit four of those motherfuckers with a car

At least you gotta hit one of them hard enough to the other ones go. All right. All right This motherfucker's not fucking around, you know, they didn't know that It's weird the things I saw at that age At that age We would fuck with a guy and he would light this up on bergain wine avenue I'm getting lit up at like 13 by like a 17 or 18 year old because we thought we were cute Like punching the fucking mouth bleeding lit up like you're walking with your buddy and he got beat up And your other buddy who's a black belt karate. He got fucking beat up too

Everybody got beat up because the fear was just the way this guy fucking beat us up You know, these kids don't know that they didn't know that what were they doing last night? They were just in the middle of the street 11 fucking 30 at night with skateboards. They made a ramp by fucking 7 11 So they weren't even that bad of kids. No, I thought they were trying to rob you guys Which is annoyed with them They were trying to be weird They weren't doing anything like we're doing violent. They were being they're being perp like, uh, what is it? Like, uh, uh, they're being obnoxious on purpose

They were just like taking as long as they could to walk behind a car that's trying to back out Nothing really that aggressive, but it's just like you could laugh about it later. You could tell you could tell I ain't a swami from salami You follow me, but you could tell that these motherfuckers don't know Right and the beauty of it was a lead point to that. We're blocked from a cop station 30 fucking yards that went down from a car. It's a leak Not even like because you even said at the end a podcaster told me that that would be a good one to rob And I couldn't believe it because it's literally right next to a police station

And the closer it is to police station the better this to rub because they can't even figure it out This that circuit short circuit You just hit them right in their fucking neighborhood takes them three minutes more to fucking react to you three minutes fucking more But I I love don't you know, I first moved to my burger and these kids would go to seacork and some rob punks To light on fire and they sell them door to door. Who knocks on your door? These kids did shit that You know, like it was just crazy, but then we started robbing motorcycles, you know

When I was in color on I got out of the halfway house. I had a friend that used to send me stolen shit Let me tell you how different the societies are In colorado in california right now. I'll give you a I'll give you a truck Right now put it right out here right now fill the fucking speakers And tell you get me whatever you can for them. I guarantee yourself three fucking speakers Because that's not accepted in the california society. That's not accepted Outside of stat 9 in jersey people who like pull up to you and say hey, man. I found no no no no no no

Those are the people that you go to a bar in paterson and I'm paid they they show up Yo, yo, yo, yo, can I get your motherfucking attention please and shit look at these fucking shoes That's it italian fucking shoes 300 a pair you're gonna get them for fucking 85 dollars like that guy in barbershop. That's an actual thing that happens. Yes Yes, we just said it he goes shoplifting Let's say he comes back to capuzzo and capuzzo don't have Capuzzo's not there. This motherfucker's like yeah, I gotta have a shirt I gotta have a straw and we'd open the back of the trunk. I do that's what we used to do

Is what you do and the kids will come up and be like, all right What are you gonna try to sell them for 25 now and get even more money and get you following me You're always hustling you don't get stuck with nothing. Yeah, I didn't need a fucking size seven rebox No stolen anything you steal. I'm making a profit even if you give me three dollars. Yeah Like I always learned how to exist in every market I lived when it was in bolder I went right to the record stores and I would rob cds and bring them up the corner And fucking sell them for seven dollars a piece. I would it was like a car. I lose five dollars and a fucking half a mile walk But you know, there was always a way to make a fucking stupid living somebody asked on twitter

What's the number of the episode where Diaz talked about bringing returns Back to seers and all that shit when I first started comedy From nine I got divorced from 92 to 95 guys. I lived off returns Oh, yeah, I would walk into a store and I even walk out of the store I would take this stuff and walk right up to customer service and go. Hi you do that today But today we got cameras. Yeah, but you can't go back to the same place, but I did when I was 19 That's exactly how I made all of my money when I first I was going to baruch college in new york city And what I figured out was the return on books from the bookstores for the colleges

They were crazy. So I'd go into the I'd go into the bookstore right and in the beginning of the year Everyone's bringing their books from the previous year and returning them and you get like, you know Maybe 20 of what you paid for the previous year. I take it right in the middle of the store I drop on the floor I jump on the books a little bit to beat them up a little bit And I bring them straight back to the return counter and I would do that all the time to make money I learned when I was probably eight I just I'd go and I found a receipt on the ground and I just the idea came to me It was very natural. I had no money

We went to buy candy or whatever it was and I got a receipt I was like, oh, I could just go get chicken and it says I bought chicken You know and bring this over and I just returned it. It was as simple as that easy way to make money Super easy way to make money I do I said that that was I was a fucking scam artist A straight up scam artist up until I was about 19 I moved to new york city and I started promoting for comedy clubs on the streets of new york city I was one of the original guys if you walk through Times Square

I was like, hey, you want to go see a comedy show that was my shit I was one of the first guys that were doing that out there. I worked for the first company that ever did that Called new genus marketing solutions But that same guy who punched me in the face the kfc guy I almost robbed that a different kfc He started working at another kfc and I hadn't worked at kfc in like two or three years But I knew at the end of the night that about a $3,500 drop from like the day of sales and cash that they would bring They put in a little blue bag lock it, you know, one of those like leather lock bags

And he'd go to his car drive to the bank do a deposit boom So dude, I remember man, my buddy Vinnie Ferrante drove me there I had a fucking ski mask Right and a fucking black hoodie that I and I stole the ski mask and hoodie from brad lee's because I didn't want I didn't want anybody to know that I bought it. I wanted to fucking dude I created no paper trail and I had a screwdriver and I was going to put it like like one of those old timing movies Like yeah, stick them up I was going to do that shit and I chickened out at the last minute

And I'm really glad I did man because this guy first of all this guy would have fucked me up He was like an old marine was fucking jack diesel He there's no way he was going to believe me. I have this shitty voice So he was going to immediately recognize my voice and I was hiding behind the bushes. He came out He walked right by I was shaking I was fucking just shaking and he walked right into his car And I and I just let him go and I didn't rob him and I ended up moving to new york city to go to baruch college a few weeks later And I got that job selling comedy club tickets and I started making like $500 a week selling comedy club tickets

And that was it. That was enough for me that I was like, all right. Well, I don't need to fucking rob a kfc You know being 19 making $500 a week, you know, even even now I think for a 19 year old kid. That's pretty decent Um, but in a weird way comedy almost saved my life because I didn't I didn't know I never been to a comedy club my life Not once in my I never thought about stand-up comedy except for like deaf jam I used to watch when I was a kid like eddie murphy but that You know making a little bit of dough because I was fucking I was poor poor like I was welfare

My mom stopped buying me christmas gifts when I was like 11 I was buying my own school clothes like I I've worked every day since I was about 11 years old I've always had a job. I've always had a way to make money Um, and it was always very important to me because I watched my mom Be on welfare and have food stamps and I was always very embarrassed and very ashamed of the fact that I remember When I was really young I'm when I'm maybe seven or eight having the thought Like what are you doing? Get a fucking job Like why are you sitting there smoking cigarettes?

You're not doing anything to make money. You're just collecting a paycheck off of other people that are paying their taxes at a really Really young age. I remember connecting with that thought So It drove me crazy too Like I don't like nothing. Listen, you got it. If you're gonna be a crook be a crook At least you're doing something you're getting a check from somebody once a month under your fucking You know, I don't forget getting insulted. They're like not that you went to prison You could claim that

Disability and get a check every month like so every month. I'm just in the summer. I saw With 1200 bucks. That's it. So I don't have to have a job. I could make more fucking 1200 bucks At that time I'm like I can make four or five thousand a fucking month just walking around being me I had done it for years just being me walking around four or five thousand dollars. I don't know how I did it Every month, but I put it together for years. Yeah, you have some bad months But when you're living on fucking like I would get dressed up in fortly in 85 I've been listening to this album lately rat

The second album they put out not the first one The second one they put out rat or a tt. Yeah rat with uh Percy and the other fucking dudes and I had this cassette player in 85 I think of those times at nights and times on by myself. I'm coming down I haven't even started to write about those times That's how close I was to going to prison for fucking life Because a job was not even on my horizon from february of 85

To july 1st of 85 I pretty much left the house every morning at nine and whatever happened happened So that four or five thousand never came from like a job at all. No I had sometimes I'd get a job for a week here, but it's $10 and I would it be a labor You can quantify that because you were spending it on drugs, right? Is that why you know that it was that much? I was quantifying that because I was living Without an apartment. I would be in a hotel for a month Okay, I was eating three meals out and I'm not talking guys. I didn't mean

The worst thing I did was a lunch special from a chinese restaurant 695 would it get them? You pick that fucking sesh one they give you an egg roll they give you a bowl of soup They give you the noodles to give you the white rice. They give you a fucking cold sesame noodles No, I don't do no fucking cold sesame noodles But they take care of you in those things, but I was always eating out That was a type of guy go for a $20 breakfast. I always you know I'm saying so it wasn't even a drug addiction You would you have to add into it was the hundred and nine for a hotel in fort lee? Yeah, you know, I would live in those fucking hotels for a week

I told you in the manhambra You pay. Yeah, the 275 a fucking week guys I was 21 I just told you the story when I fucking went and I couldn't pay the room I got thrown out. I went down a friday night and I get to the front with the money in my pocket I made like 200 dollars that day and it was I owed him like 160 for the week And I get to the window and the guy's like we we have your stuff your stuff isn't oh I couldn't get to talk to the lady. So I went outside at a hotel. This is in fort lee

And I went to my room and I put the key and somebody was in the shower A couple were in the shower fucking And I opened the door and there's her purse and there's a fucking uh A fucking envelope from the bank in the old days that the cash came out I clipped out. They really made it nice and easy to find somebody's money. Oh my god. I went to the front I told the indian to give me my bag. Okay. Okay. I'll leave I leave you go. I fucking hailed. I got a cab And do you know what I did when I lived in that hotel? Let me tell you how fucking crazy I went on a tat because the most fun I had was doing this shit

I would fucking live in that hotel You know what I'm talking about right off roof four when you come over the fucking bridge All those hotels in jersey that you know, I know I did I robbed all those hotels not the hotels I would stay at those hotels. Yeah, but you know all those gas stations. Yeah when you first hit there's like six gas stations What happened? I mean, I know well because I take the bus over there. My sister picks me up when I go home now So one day I'm walking like an asshole in like March of 85 I'm walking like an asshole And I go to the city and I and I get a bag of reef on 171st Street

And I walk back over to Lincoln Todd the bridge and I walk and I see uh What the fuck I lost my train of thought the gas station I see this I walk I'm on I'm on roof four cars are doing 90 past me coming off the fucking bridge And I'm walking and all of a sudden I see a sonoco and whatever And the first one I go in and I get some water or something. I says help wanted I'm like, what are you looking for here? The guy goes a midnight shift So I said, let me do the paperwork

So my buddy, you know the you know, now, you know the gas station by Lincoln tunnel Yes, right there. We're walking right there. It's the last fucking gas station as you're making the the fucking right Right to the Lincoln tunnel to go back into the fucking the city right that is a gas station. Yes I know exactly my buddy was always crazy traffic always crazy traffic My buddy put himself through fucking mit Working there. You ready for this hanging pumps another forgotten. Fuck that another thing that those computers did for you I don't I don't have my iPhone. Yeah, that's why now nobody can steal In the old days the fucking gas went

Tick tick tick you saw the gas move So when it rains in jersey, what do they do? They pump your gas Well, don't they have today today now they have to anyway It's all full service jersey and fucking port in Oregon. They have to pump your gas You don't pump the gas So my buddy lubes would get the fucking yellow thing and he'd be out there in the rain And the gas station would be crazy He'd be a sophomore in high school and he figured out that when fucking

Some guy comes in and gets three dollars worth of gas. That's your three dollars He would pump that three dollars and then when becky comes in and she goes I want 10 He would pump that same thing in there. So he took three dollars from you right off the top You're not gonna get on argue them. It's fucking raining there He did this all night. He put himself through MIT. You do know that right four nights a week He was probably robbing for two g's of fucking night hanging pumps That's an old forgotten art that I can't even do that no more you get killed doing that shit And he I knew that he knew the manager

So I would tell him to give me the names of the people who got fired for stealing Who the fuck do you people think you're dealing with here? So once he clipped me the names I went back to the gas station I said, you know what I thought about I want the job. I gave him one of the names they fired for stealing You're gonna put another you're gonna put another thing on his record now. Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Once a thief always a thief. It's a jungle out there. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm talking about? What do I give a fuck? I just needed an ID Guys said they didn't they didn't even check my ID guys

That's how smooth I was just come back tonight at midnight and make them laugh a little bit I train you you train me cuck suck it And the first night I realized I thought I was gonna sit on my ass all night It was busy. I hadn't had money in weeks and also I'm Pack in my fucking pockets of 20s and 10s like I said to me every time you got a thousand dollars drop it Well, I held down for like three thousand dollars. This is four in the fucking morning. Guess what I did I fucking locked that door. I put out a business and I walked home with a three thousand dollars, okay And I took the fucking he had a bank with all the singles like the backup chains. I got him for another grand

I left the gas station open for hours. I just walked away went home and I go I got a new career So I just went to from gas station to gas station. You look at and they were all looking for midnight today Who wants to cover that shift something if a guy comes in with a missing eye, you got to give him a shot What do you give a fuck? You know that takes you you're the owner you got to do this shit I did it 10 times, bro. Yeah, and then I would call you up and I wouldn't say nothing. What are you doing? No, and I'm at home come over to the gas station come over to the gas station And you I see you pull up and I go go down and then I just walk right to you and we take off

And I can I almost got caught one time at the lombardi gas station in sea corpus That's where I came real close the cops were looking for me and everything But again, it was raining and thunder and lightning and there was all these buses headed to new york It's a parking ride So they said fuck it. What am I gonna go? Who gives a fuck let them go So I never forget I got off on 42nd street and I brought and I bought the bruce lee suit Did the owner call the cops on you or something I don't know who knows I just walked away Yeah

That was it. Do you sick at the let me ask you this because this is what I I said this recently on my other Podcasts and my my friends were giving me shit, but to this day Like I won't steal. I mean, I got a kid now. I'm trying to like teach them actual real values And you know, I'm not trying to be a piece of shit and trying to raise a good kid But if I see like a lot of cash like on a table My instinct like just I look at it. I'm like I want to take that for every fucking day. It's like it's like an addiction It's like I want to I want to take that fucking money if you're that stupid That was always my fucking metaphor. Yeah when I went out so I wouldn't feel guilty

If you're that stupid, I gotta rob you Yeah, okay, and you said something very stuff before the easiest people I robbed Like I don't want people to think I used to rob mothers at their homes I fucked up a few things, you know, I'm not gonna lie nobody but my main thing was drug dealers I loved them and I loved when I saw holes because you can't be that fucking stupid Yeah, I saw a really good drug dealer and then I saw guys that I'd sit there and go Huh, this is gonna be like fucking nothing I had a didn't you probably ran this scam before because it's it's an old time

I didn't even know about it, but I had a buddy of mine who did it And I called my weed dealer. It wasn't even a buddy of mine. This guy I met like twice selling comedy club tickets on the street together We were like selling tickets and I was like, oh, I can get weed. I'll call my buddy So I call this kid from Brooklyn. He's like he's the kid asked me that I was working with He's like, how well do you know him? I was like, oh, you know, I sort of buying weed from a couple weeks ago He was like, all right. So the kid came up and this guy was a little bit older than I was like 19 20 at the time This guy was like maybe 30, you know what I'm saying, but he looked like a man, you know to young kids 17 year old white kid comes up to sell me weed. I'm buying weed. He comes up

He just flips open his wallet and goes, please get up against the wall get up against the wall right now And the kid dude, he was like shit his pants almost and he's like, oh shit Dude, he starts running his pockets Pretending to be the cops and taking his weed and I started laughing because I thought he was just fucking around I didn't realize that it was a scam. I was like, oh, he's just fucking around I know this guy and this kid looked at me. He was like, are you fucking idiot? And then it all fell apart and the kid was like, what the fuck that could never answer my phone call again But it would have worked like he was like, dude, I do this all the time

He was like, you get some fucking young teenage kid you're buying weed from just rob him I was like, they're not gonna you're the cops to them. That's it. You let him off for the morning That's it I know a lot of people I never pulled that one I had a badge for years and I got myself out of binds with that badge In certain situations. I just what was your name? Don't matter Dick Tracy does it fucking matter whatever I even took a

A business card and cut the head out and put it in there where the cops thing was In fact, that's buried somewhere buried that that's where the fuck that badges I never did nothing. I had it for like three years. Well, that's a solid scam. Just rob young kids for their drugs easy It's way easier than getting a job at a gas station Hey, listen, anytime you involve guns and I always tell people that In the 80s, especially in the 80s, a lot of people got involved in drugs that didn't know Didn't know the extent of it didn't know that at four in the morning people lose their minds

And you have cocaine in their house. They saw it when they went over there Yeah, now they're gonna come over there with a story or dementia or they're gonna go over there and take it from you That's why I didn't like that drug at all because people you always left the door open If people knew your house was I know you got it We're gonna come over there. We're gonna torment you till you fucking give it to us So I don't know. I always felt weird like robbing somebody like that. I didn't start robbing I would rob drug dealers when they'd send them on a mission and rob their house Yeah, you know, I did shit like that. Then as I got older when I moved to colorado, I got bolder and I got busted

I got a little bolder and I got busted and then when I got out I went under the radar for a while and then I went back to jersey 94 And I was okay for a few months. I'm not gonna tell you I was a saint But I hooked up with some guys that were robbing like that and I did like two or three when I was out That's a complete different fucking scam because I don't know what this motherfucker's thinking Yeah, I don't know what this guy's thinking I don't know what this guy's thinking. I was one. I always did this shit. That was the least risk You know what I'm saying? Like I knew that security guards in the mall

Couldn't touch me because I worked at hot topic when I was 16 and they told us they were like, hey, you can call security Security then has to call the cops and I was like, well, can we tackle somebody if they're fucking? No, they can watch you and go all the way into your car and all that. Yeah, dude It's a whole plate. Yeah, it's still a fucking nightmare to shake because this guy wants to be a fucking cop Yeah, this guy wants to really be a cop. So whether he's 16 or not He's gonna try to deploy you or stand in front of your fucking car They try to refeed or run him over those fucking people are crazy. Yeah, those more security people Yeah, because they couldn't be real cops. So now they're fucking fucking nightmare. They have you know, that's a loot the flag and they're on

Yeah, George Zimmerman that that was his mentality. He wanted to be a fucking shit You guys have no fucking idea. Yeah, I have a friend that thinks he's a fucking, you know, please It's a fucking nightmare though. So I get it. That's the same guy who owned the pizzeria That would have a steel sneakers and golf clubs This is my relationship ended with him because I was delivering pizzas for him But then I started making more money doing scams for him. He was like, I want to close my pizzeria He was like, uh, he was like, but I want to collect the insurance. So he was like, I'm gonna give you guys $5,000 each to a 17 year old Kid dude $5,000 is I mean, it sounds like a fucking million dollars. It is it is

Jesus Christ, it's 17 five that I had never even thought about that much money before Because I'm gonna give you guys $5,000 each come in douse this place in lighter fluid and gasoline It just fucking lighted on fire And that's that and I mean we went as far as we we went we had the lighter fluid We hid it behind the pizzeria while we were working me and this kid James And we hid the lighter fluid behind it. We're gonna fucking douse the whole kitchen the electrical box boom And uh, one of the cooks saw us hiding the lighter fluid and he was like, oh, what's that? I don't know and that made me so paranoid. Yeah, you're done. That I was like, uh, I was like, I can't do you're on lawn

That's a lawn all that that's it one person Anything looks suspicious. Yeah No, sir I don't know. I don't know. I don't see nothing. Eh, but but to me In la for forever lighter fluid Yes That's fucking hilarious write that down I think it's time to get an arrest warrant for mr. Lewis Gomez

Yeah, do he they all seen you break the commercial Lewis is in the fucking room with jay ochis and dropping knowledge Yeah Get up Lewis Gomez Jerry all about kicks the table and shit and the Puerto Rican the Benjamin brad and top shoe and shit. You're under arrest for ours. So mr. What are you talking about? I wasn't at the pizza reel last night Tell that to the cook We had a fucking we had the plan was we were 18 actually because I remember we used to go to the bar It was an 18 and over bar that I ended up working as security out eventually

But the we were gonna have a fucking um, you know an alibi And we're gonna go to the bar and we're gonna act the plan was we're gonna act like crazy and wild and let everyone see It's crazy drunk, but we weren't gonna be drinking We're gonna act like we were just fucking hammered and let everybody see us We were gonna sneak out jump in the car was about a 15 minute drive from nyak to west avashe About 20 minutes and we're gonna fucking light this place on fire zip back and that was the whole plan We were fucking we had the alibi though. They were crazy. They were partying all night. These guys. They were fucking They were hammered. There's no way they could have left again. It's going on ladies that they look like they could be going on

Why the fire? Did anybody see them by a drink anybody see them by a drink I didn't really see Tommy you kept whispering I think they call him Louis He told me it's comedy ticket I do so many little things like that where it could have fucking destroyed my life destroys your life That's it could have I could have been That's 15 fucking years and and you start at rikers And they put you through the fucking system and then you violate because god knows

What happens? That's a fuck. Oh my god every morning. I get up. I go the lord. Thank you. Thank you I'm not fucking involved with me. I could have fucking been I mean dad. Who knows it's it's nuts. How close it's fun though It's fun. That's good memories. It's good stories. Let me give some shout outs here. What a boxer Kurt is still well shroom factory crystal johnson loondoggy Pamela Grant Buffalo Conley

My main man bobby lalingus and john phantross Also, my man matt baker up there in bakersfield bjj The shit he taught me is working in the same That's it, man. No, listen. I give thanks every fucking day And I give thanks. I didn't really get creepy when I started to get creepy. I got arrested And I thank god he put that in my fucking journey

They you know, but I loved it And I learned to steal when I went as a kid to 148th street Those kids stole to survive But the hang with them I had to steal And even though my family had money I had to steal and it became fun for me And then you know what happened? I heard stories about my father I heard that my father hung out with like a really good pickpocket. He was the best pickpocket in cube and all this shit So in my in my head it broke me down morally like if my dad could hang out with a pickpocket, you know, I'm saying like

That's why I don't like Your kids hearing about the shit you did because now it changes there It's okay to steal your friend. Nicky stole I know that's why when you open those fucking stories up right away Everything changes because you hung out with nick and he stole, you know It's so rough How I have to raise my daughter now. You have to raise your son, you know We look a little deeper, you know, I tell we only have conversations about being a parent

I always want to be home be three and three and six because that's when I fucking got in the most trouble That's when You know, if there was somebody home, maybe things were to change and they wanted to me a little bit more, you know And there's this shit you look at because of the shit you did now easy You're telling me these stories at 16 to normal people this motherfucker was still, you know He was still jerking off with his little dick and breathing heavy at 16. I was jerking off everywhere I know you but I was also stealing. Please don't get me started jerking off You had my blood pressure up all high. That's why I had to take the other star

Just the thought of things that and that you could be honest about them Because these days I think I see people on facebook and I feel guilty, you know, yeah But you gotta put it behind you. It's not like we ended up in jail You know and uh, you know, I feel more guilty about um When I first started stealing when I was maybe and I almost like learned my lesson for a little while I was probably like seven No, maybe a little older eight or nine and my my buddy Mike and his brother surge We would go to the just the parking lots and it was simple

See what cars were open whatever was open clear out the change every once in a while You get a $20 bill in the dashboard or whatever Um, we used to just do that regularly like that was we you know after school we'd meet up like, all right Let's go make five ten bucks for the day, you know And uh, those kids it's like one of the most guilty I've ever felt in my entire life They ended up I was I was I'm Puerto Rican and Italian But I grew up in a really big like white trash area where I grew up

And uh, there's a lot of white kids who would like beat me up and call me a spick and a nigger and throw rocks at me And um, I always really wanted their acceptance and all my family was white. I was raised by you know, italian irish people So I've I've always had weird like racial identity issues I grew up listening to like heavy metal music and I played in the band. I used to have long hair and an eyeliner Like I was in I was in the maryland man sit and shit. I was like I was a fucking weird kid, right? So I uh, yeah, I would fucking uh These kids that I knew these two kids who the one kid Mike, you know to this day is actually a really good friend of mine um

Him and his brother Ended up But the two the two like dark-skinned hispanicans that I hung out with They went and they robbed this other white kid from my neighborhood's car and took the car phone out of it This one car phones were like fucking crazy expensive like and then they keyed up the side of the car But this kid was a cocksuck. He was the fucking worst person in the neighborhood He was like the wimpiest of all of them, but he was the biggest instigator. So fuck this kid This kid was a piece of shit this kid ryan

um, but my buddy mike told me they killed me and my brother we Fucking keyed this kid's car and we took the the phone And like a fucking idiot. I was one of the acceptance of these fucking white kids I went and told that kid ryan that they I ratted my friends out This is like the probably the most guilty I've ever felt about anything in my entire life I ratted my two friends out to some fucking kid

Would call me a spic and a nigger and That's that like fucked me up. That was like the worst thing I've ever done in my entire life I could steal I could almost set a place on fire I could beat somebody up That's the thing that fucked me up the most I'm sorry though. That's all right Now what's that y'all the most? I'm sorry though. We got fucked up bigger things happen I cannot tell that story again in its completion. She heard it. No, I heard it. I heard it

You know man, I ratted my friends out. That was what fucked me up first off You know life moves on Yeah, I always get a second chance and you always got a second chance to prove yourself And some people don't want you to prove yourself and some people do and you do whatever you need to do to fucking Make the ship smooth I fucking robbed change from cars When I was 31 years old I did it every night to get home from 57

And 12 I sold cars down there. Yeah, so at eight I creep into the fucking service bay And just steal change and I get those tokens and those passes to go with a bridge and tunnel I go up to and sell them to the cab drivers up at washington heights by poor authority up there I had to scam down How ashamed was I? I'd steal change to get home and then when I couldn't steal change I call my friend diamond rago and he come over and pick me up and take me into the city We do open mics like the comic strip and like me and he wasn't a comic

But he want me to be in the city of him because he'd go get coke and I could speak spanish So we everything always works itself out. You know, it's a couple bumps He'd drive me to go do comedy And then he'd drive me back over the tunnel of the fucking bridge. So I still change on the fucking cars. How embarrassing is that 31 years old? How fucking embarrassing is that? So You do things man, and that's you're here. You get a second chance That's what you do from now and this is the shit you work on your kids. This is the shit you instill in your kids

You don't want to do Someday your son's gonna hear this. Yeah, you know, and uh, he's gonna have to make a decision whether it was okay And hopefully he'll Turn out to be a fucking cop. Yeah, you know, like or better this kid. Yeah, yeah Yeah, you know, I wait it's all bad parenting. That's what it is. You know, I had a shitty mom My dad wasn't there. That was it. You know, there's like to take change out of a car and then

Like maybe find like a a booklet and now beckon these days these booklets were In 94, I forget what it was to go over the tunnel You know the bridge eight dollars made me, you know, let's pretend it's 16 now Correct. No, no, it was way cheaper than that because when I started driving when I was 16 it was four It was four. This is that was 97. Yeah, I'm asked. I'm estimating 98 99 No, this is 94 Four bucks. Yeah, three four bucks is definitely not more than four. So if you bought the book it was 10 rides for 40 bucks. Oh, that's right. Yeah, you could buy you could buy the books

So I'd find those in people's cars I'd take the whole thing and sell them for half price. So if there was eight tickets left Whatever I get 16 fucking dollars But some nights those 16 dollars I go home with like 90 bucks and right around the corner from where I'd sell them was a coke spot and they sold grams of cut coke For 25 and grams of hot cut coke for 35

And you walked into the apartment and the guy would call you to like I'll let you That means milk swallow, right? And then he Dominican guys and there'd be two guys in the fucking room And they'd have two little bags of coke with a little tiny electronic scale And they give you a taste of each of it and you do a little bump and sit across the table You game the cash and some nights I go I go and you get they would sell you a gram and a half You know, they give you a deal and I've got a gram and a half on the wall. I was so cheap I would walk over the fucking Lincoln to the other bridge to George Washington bridge

And at the end everything hey, you are three in the morning snorting coke sweating And all of a sudden it dawned on you that you robbed the fucking change out of a fucking Somebody's car. You know how bad you fucking feel. It's not bad enough that you're out of coke now and you're coming down And you want to shoot yourself You just realized what you did to get to this place and that was the worst thing about to cope with me Like that's the end of the night. How bad it was. You didn't do drugs. So no, I mean, I look I fucked with them But I didn't I didn't get I luckily I kind of fucking saw a lot of people. I had an ex-girlfriend. It was a major heroin addict

My mom she committed suicide with heroin. So I was like, yeah, yeah, that's fun Uh, it's fun. No, fine. No, it's not fun. I said, well, actually it was probably a fun way to go If you're gonna go, I think overdose on a heroin is probably better than fucking Slicing your wrist at a bathtub. No Get interesting life's a little gommage. You gotta write a book. Yeah, you gotta shoot a movie or you and Patterson fucking I'm sorry about that. That was like a worm in my fucking throat Why do you think you guys both went into sales after that? Oh, you were in sales too What else are you gonna do? Yeah, you know, I see these motherfuckers on tv. I got no scales. I got no what the fuck you got

You know, I know this shit I can't do Yeah, but I know a little shit I could do, you know, and over the years you You know, when you're 24, you who wants to work on a roof at 12 bucks an hour? I can't imagine what they pay you now with You know with the, you know, all the minority work workers out there. I can't imagine what it's like Out there to be out there fighting for your fucking life now, but eventually you gotta give in to doing something illegal somewhere What did you sell? First thing I saw was newspaper subscriptions. Oh my fucking god, Joey

Are we the same person? Yeah, Joey my first job in my life. That's it. I'm not making it up because I have fans that know I'm not bullshitting. I used to sell newspaper subscriptions for the Rockland Journal news in in parking lots of shit like shop Right, you go up people. Hey, I want to win a bike. I'm in a contest. Could you sign up for this? It was a free subscription and I would get five dollars for every subscription I got and I was making when I was 11 Making like 400 bucks a week three hundred and fifty dollars a week More than my mom and my mom was like, what the fuck and that's I do that's fucking crazy to me that that was your first job People have no idea the importance of belly-to-belly sales

People don't because without that you're really not What's that word that rambo used they used on rambo that he was extendable expendable expendable If you don't if you're an engineer and you can't add belly-to-belly sales to your resume, you're expendable bitch If you're an it guy and you can't add belly-to-belly sales to your repertoire, you're expendable bitch If you're a fucking painter and you can't add the belly-to-belly sales You're expendable. You will always be fucking expendable if you can't do both those you're belly-to-belly mean you're actually Yourself like face the face you belly belly sales is basic. I don't listen. I love computers and I love what it does

But I'm a belly-to-belly. I don't want you texting me. I don't want you fucking bothering You want to talk to me? You come fucking see me and you sell me. You know, don't text me. You're having a sale on t-shirts You know, I'm an old-school guy come tell me why I got to buy your fucking t-shirt You said an appointment. You're not selling them over the fuck. Yeah, you said an appointment. I believe in all that shit Yeah, it's true. That's a special one. You want to get them right in your face? I don't give a fuck if you go back to doing what you're doing, but you always have that to fall back on Yeah, that's why I tell and I'm told a thousand times if I'm still alive on my door My daughter's 18

I'm gonna tell her go write the fucking Ford dealership and sell cars for a year. Yeah start there They'll change your life. They'll change your fucking life one year. You will not be the same person You will look at life at 18 from a fucking savagery. Well, that's why when I was selling comedy club tickets I mean you're talking about belly belly, man. You belly belly It's you're meeting a stranger and you're going boom. It's four steps in every sales process You stop them. You engage them with a smile. You can get questions find out a little bit about them Inform about your product and you close them. You bring it to hold on one second Lee you and I had a conversation today about sponsorship

Right and what that I say to you. I don't even want you to sell them. What was the word I said I wanted you to engage them Get them that's it. That's it sales if you don't engage this motherfucker. That's it Just engage them on this time. I want you to make a personal note. You're not even gonna sell them I don't even want you to go in there like you're gonna sell them. That's two steps away I want you to engage them. Just engage them. Get them in hand-to-hand combat Hand-to-hand combat is I don't that's the fucking master reality right here. Get him to his platter See I was an expendable comedian till I learned hand-to-hand combat Till I learned hand-to-hand combat. I was a struggling comic even with movies

till one day I said, you know what? I got to get in there and get down and dirty and that's what doesn't make you an expendable anything. Yep Could you can apply that philosophy to anything to anything so it's a beautiful fucking concept And I stress it daily like you got a fucking belt and I tell Lee Lee's trying Lee's trying and I'm trying to you know, Lee It's a high the only way you really dig in is you just got to invent people to call I've never had it like I was a server, but I never had a sales job really So this is brand new to me, but it's still look when you're when you're if you're a good server

The people who are making the most money are the people who are engaging the people in the best way Who are getting them to actually you connect with them and you get some sort of emotion out of them So the people that are maybe my my son's mother she stopped her She was an office manager for a video game publishing company She just wanted to work a few days a week because she you know, she had the baby She went back to waiting tables and it's like that's the one thing I would tell her She was like, yeah, it's not even the prettiest girl who's the waitress It's not the girl who's taking the most tables the ones who are getting the most tips and making the most money

Are the people who are you see the people laughing at their table or they're smiling or there There's just some sort of connection going on beyond you giving them their food So I mean that's like a philosophy that I like in every aspect of life You know, even we're talking about picking up chicks and it's being a game of numbers Dude, that's that's sales philosophy. You figure out your ratio. Boom. I'll close one out of out over how many people I could take Lewis Gomez Okay Give him a car

Give him five eight dollar suits Okay, give him the shiniest shoes in town with a white shirt with Cold-collar links and I could walk Louis Gomez and to any sales staff Anyone in the country and went to the year Louis Gomez will be fucking threatening The top two guys in that operation Once he figures them out and learns how to engage them and brings them back to the ballpark Because what happens is we take ourselves out of the ballpark. See

Louis and myself have the skill that got you covered The sales skill we learned we learned on the street. That's a tremendous. That's a tremendous cushion That's walking on a fucking tightrope every day. That's not like. Oh, so he didn't buy the sneakers. Jesus I'll have to get them next time he comes in for those nikes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no You know, that's a complete different fucking patois when you gotta go out to eat And you got to sell four nickel bags, you know, whatever. That's it That's it. And you got to tell this guy why your weed is better than hers 10 feet from me. I'd buy anything from fucking Becky

But he's gonna talk tell me without insulting Becky why his weed even though it's the same weed That's his cushion. Those guys you can't replace I could walk them into any fucking Any fucking corporationy this guy could sell fucking teepees teepees my last job I was selling gym memberships one year at equinox high on gym memberships I would never you know dealing with fucking millionaires coming into the gym and send them $200 a month gym memberships But then go to new york sports club and get a $30 a month gym membership But it was never about the money It was never you you know, once you learn how to once you learn the sales process and you have a belief in the sales process

Then even the nose become fun. The whole process is part it's just part of a game. I'm looking for a no That's it. Give me another no, but I'm engaged. Okay That's the same thing I'm engaged. Okay. Yeah, watch this. Watch my fucking magic Watch I come at you with this fucking curb wall. Watch this one And then it's just amazing. It applies to fucking every level. Yeah of it That's a great idea that I have your daughter working sales for a year to just to understand that You know and but look it's not for everybody not it not everybody can sell

People you have I want them to respect it though. Yeah, so later on in their life When they do move forward, they understand the importance of that sell If they think of opening up a company They're gonna know that it all starts right there. Everything else is fucking bullshit. It all starts right there You know, it all starts right there. Whatever marketing attack you got has to start right there Yeah, some people they can't you know, some people can It's as I think why people can like a lot of good comedians have that ability to be able to sell And it's one of the reasons why me and my son's mother broke up is because she's so practical

And you know the idea she needs a safety net like in my head. I'm going the safety net is you're not going to starve You're gonna eat you're gonna figure out a way to feed your kid. You're gonna figure out a way to pay your rent You know almost a belief in the intangible like to do comedy and really give it your all and fucking say I want to be a stand-up comedian, which is just it's so stupid if you think about what it is Like we're just fucking saying words and we're expecting people to give us money for it. Get the fuck out of it. It's crazy That's a crazy. There's talk about being having an intangible thing to sell. It's just our fucking thoughts and words That's bananas And you have to almost have this weird

Belief in yourself and confidence and and you have to be able to envision this gold so wholeheartedly That you give yourself to it and that's why I was always good at sales because I could just I could say all right My goal is you know 140 units this month. I if I truly believed I was gonna get there All the other shit would just kind of come together, you know, and I think not a lot of people can envision something like that It's that's why I take the very special person most salespeople fail, you know If you go to any it's sales is always the highest turnover. It's just non-stop new people boom Or they moved to somewhere where the grass is greener Yeah, what happens to salespeople is for a couple years you get confused and you keep moving to where the grass is greener

The grass is green. Well, my friend sells computers. No, my friend sells law degrees. No You have to come over and sell arms. We're giving them away We're making six figures and you keep running for the same time that every place you go to you're a medium salesman Either for years you become a medium salesman Do you have to really know the product though? Because like I don't know nothing about I don't know anything about cars Nothing Yeah, that's the weirdest thing because they're gonna give you what they want. That's that's when you engage them They fall into your trap. Yeah, it's yeah, of course. Let's go get the brochure. What are you looking for?

They're gonna tell you when I used to sell gym memberships and now I mean I used to make I made six figures selling fucking gym memberships, right? That was my last day job And uh, you know people would come in and ankle. Well, what are you here for? They're just gonna tell you everything they want. Wow, we have that Perfect. I can't believe you'd show up here. How perfect is that? That's not so we have exactly what you're looking for So, I mean any that's like a sales trick That's why it doesn't take people a year to learn the ins and outs of any product The salesperson comes in with they do a week of training a week later. Boom. They're right there

And then you're gonna learn what people's triggers are That's the best way to trigger me trigger what gets people going like about that product You're gonna find out why they're coming in specifically for buying signs. Yeah the buying signs and the whole thing It just becomes you become a machine Oh, you got kids. Well, now I know you're looking for safety. I know you study it You just it's such a beautiful fucking thing when you get into it It's just doing it for 10 years and being consistent You have to know when to take vacations and so and I know you haven't done it for a while, but um

How much money I have like a 20,000 car does the salesman get? It all depends you're working on profit So you buy a car the car A car I could sell the car for 16 to Okay, 16 to is what I got in the car. I'll take anything over 17 to leave. Go get me my fucking money Okay, I need a thousand over fucking book. You know the thousand over book gets you it's a mini deal You get $250 flat That's what you get

As a salesman if you get like a thousand over let's say you get over that's 25 percent Then they give you like 30 percent So let's say you go back in there and you get the guy up to 7600 Right now you got a $1,400 profit And you go back then all of a sudden you go go back in there one more time and get me 300 Yeah, and you gotta go back in there and get another fucking 300 That's how you eat got a fucking living and you got to go explain the guy why that car is worth three more But I I take good good salesmen appreciate when somebody's selling me and they're really good

I love it. I fucking love it. My dick's getting hard. Keep on going. I love it I love it. I get pissed off when I go somewhere with money And I watch how they treat me. Yeah, it destroys my insides bad customer service I walk out of that furious. I'll threaten a fucking mcdonald's employee for bad customer service. It's crazy I'm about to give you my money and you're gonna be fucking rude. You're gonna have bad customer service You're not gonna actually go through the process of what you have to do in order to take them one hand of my hand I walked out of so many places like restaurants where they they have like an attitude when you first walk in the door I'm like, fuck this whole place. I'll walk right out and I'll go next door to a place that has less good reviews

That has less good food Because I think customer service and and just right off the top just having that connection with people because you're spending money In their establishment. I think it's so important. I think it's lost in big cities la is different You guys are all fucking friendly as shit, dude. New york. I mean, dude, they fucking listen these motherfuckers won't take your money What go to a vitamin store? Yeah, go in there just I've never been treated how I've been treated the last 10 years in this country across the fucking country But this place is the worst. Well, but like uh going into places how they don't even talk to you Hi, how are you? Let us know if we can help you. That's it. That's it. You look at them and go you dumb motherfucker

You got 300 dollar bills. I want to spend my money. I want to spend my money now. I'm not even gonna spend you You're so fucking stupid You're so fucking stupid, but I'm not even gonna fucking spend it. I went to the fat man's store last week Up there at the panga canyon by the jiu-jitsu house And I mean my wife had a few hours. I go gotta go up there by two. Let's just shoot up there See what the fat man store got I went up there the guy wasn't bad Because I walked in he welcomed me. Good morning. You know, you're looking for I said not really

I just want to look around he said no worries if you have your eye on something. Let me know He watched what I had in my hand. He ran over to the clearing track and he said see if you like this I said I don't like that, but he goes there's some other shit I went over there and I busted the shirt out tonight to take the buffalo He got me a clearing shirt from then on. I walked with the guy. Yeah, I got this. I got this I got that and he asked me for my fat man card discount card I threw it at him and everything was hunky dore. He worked me the right way. He wasn't pressuring Motherfuckers that are pressuring drive me fucking crazy

There's a way to apply pressure, but later And then you have to think, you know, what would we have to work with it? Yeah, those motherfuckers drive me crazy But if you see somebody doing the actual sales process the right way It just makes me go like I fucking appreciate it. You know, I really do I will I will buy from a good sales person Even if I don't even really want to buy it that bad I'm like if I can recognize let's say I want to buy something and I'm going to come back You know later on even on the phone you buy like fucking you dealing with customer service Or you're buying airline tickets or whatever

You know, I if somebody's does the things the right way I'm just just as a point and I'll let them know. It's like you're a really good sales person I was like if they got a manager around I'll tell the manager They got a really good sales person right there. They understand how to do this so I went and got the suits at the Hollywood suit place and the guy was good But he was a little bit like 20 like he made me like do the yelp in front of him, which is a little bit weird What but he did the uh

He like he actually got me like we like we there's about like a level of suits You're supposed to get and he made he got me to go on one up on a level So I spent a little bit more But he was good like it was in and out in like 10 minutes, but you're a nice guy. I think I could sell you anything Oh, yeah, um, Lee. I feel like I could fucking I could sell your size 32 pants And tell you don't worry. You'll be there in three weeks I think that even The art of waitressing is salesmanship. Yeah, like when you go to a high end

Why do I have to go to a high end restaurant to bump into a fucking good waiter and 50% of them are fucking droops anywhere but it's different for me because There's no guarantee that they're gonna buy at like a store or like a dealership at a restaurant there They're gonna eat so you just tell them Oh, like when I when I worked at legal seafoods, I didn't like lobster, but oh lobster's delicious It's the most beautiful. I could tell you didn't believe that though No, I don't know and you might as well tell them the truth. I don't eat lobster and I don't appreciate that Always tell them the truth. I I

Because they bought into that this well not yeah, well not every time but yeah I think that's why you you have to Because most people want to try lobster. That's why they're there. It's the cockroach of the sea. You feel that you feel that stuff All right. Yes, you want a little bloat? No, no, I can't Joey No, no, I can't I can't I can't it's 420. Look what you I'm gonna get baked And then it's I got a little wing my guilt my guilt is gonna kill me what guilt my guilt Dude, I was drinking a half bottle of whiskey at night and smoking a morning new tonight I'd be hanging out with my kid if I ran out of weed. I have to think about how I'm gonna go find more

Drinking whiskey. You just eat I can't man, I can't a little bit more you So you're gonna leave here. You got one gun. You might as well carry two, you know You want to eat another little wing that I mean you'll finish that a little tiny It's 420 cocks Darry up I'll do that shit. Give the rest of that to Lee. He's going deep tonight. Go ahead. You're breaking the go ahead, Lee

Go ahead. So what? No, it's not a thousand. He just ate a hundred. What the thousand. I don't know what any of this shit means Am I gonna get baked? No, Lee Lee. This is it. Lee you're breaking your own record. That's it It's 420. This is it. This dude. I was funny. I was like that when I walked in I was like that picture does not look like Lee and now that picture looks just like Lee Go Lee go. What the fuck? Go Lee take the picture it's over there you go Lee take the press the button Oh god You're fine chew that motherfucker. Where's the water?

Make sure you're dehydrated. I'll leave you with some asthma. Go ahead. You're going deep Lee you know how many milligrams I hate before I got here, please if anybody's scared, it's me Go ahead swallow the thing. You're going you're going Look at Lee is baked. Fuck yeah. This is it Lee This is it. You're done for the week. What are you doing tomorrow? I'm not gonna say Paula. Yeah Nothing now. What do you got tomorrow? Nothing

We eat the fucking thing. Where's the water? Drink it. Please. Oh, what are you embarrassing? I can't believe you sold the newspaper subscriptions. That's crazy. What I did was that's crazy. I got a fucking paper route Yeah, I was one of those guys that got a paper route and that's like and it was a far away paper I gotta walk the 46th street. That's a hell I still remember carrying those things But they gave me a route that the kid got like he quit it was like a great route at one time And then They're like this was a great route. What happened the kid beat it up like he was mean and shit

So I took that route it took me like 60 days And I doubled it. I had everybody getting that paper one day they called me like we want you to take over the zone Wow, I was like 12 where I played basketball I don't even think I smoked dope then I was like alluring to it I think I tried it for a few weeks I think I won two of the four weeks like the zones of going knocking on doors and selling them door I did a door to door Yeah, we did a door to door too and this jewish woman called the cop me and this black kid

We fucking knocked on this woman's door this fucking cunty jewish chick Hasidic jew in fucking spring valley new york do we're going door to door just we're trying to make an honest living We're kids, you know what i'm saying like this kid's maybe 12. I'm 11 I always remember one thing okay, and don't ever get confused. I'm not here to judge nobody Yeah, when you're trying to make an honest living you can't show up with a black kid All right, I'm not even racist and i'm talking it is right off the bat I don't care if you're selling cookies a catholic bible door to door. Yeah, you show up with a black kid I'm looking out the people and just saying I don't want none. Yeah. Well, baby. That was my fault. Yeah, you can't show up with a black kid

But here's what here's why she's fucked up right? We're like ding dong She fucking uh, she had just gotten in for maybe shopping now the more I think about it We really did look shady. We look like we followed her home from this store You can't open up that fucking door at that time the jews were at war with the blacks that remember that she in spring valley Yeah, but they well here's here's what's fucked up though because she fucking comes at or she's like all right hold on So like all right cool. So, you know, we give her a little pitch. Hey, we're with the rock and journal newspaper She's like she pokes her head out the window. We're like, yeah, we're selling newspaper descriptions She's like all right, hold on. I'll be right out

Like uh, all right, you know, wait like 10 minutes Bing bong like hey miss you can come out. She's like, yeah, no, I'm coming. I'm gonna be right there. We're gonna talk Cops fucking show up a fucking minute later. They pull their guns out more kids, dude This is crazy. They pull their fucking guns out and we're like, what the fuck? And you know, they were fucking they were shitty to us We were you know, a black and a spanish kid in this jewish neighborhood We look like we're up to no good But you know, the reality was she kept us there. She like we weren't we would have had no money

The cop says to you 9-1-1 who was there? There's a hispanic and a fucking I don't know how to say Well, can you hold them there? The offices are right around the corner. I'll be right there. Yeah, okay, man And next thing you know Whoop whoop and there you are fucking standing with fucking Darkie McReynolds in the jewish fucking neighborhood. We you're lucky to get shot you and your friend Yeah, it was uh that yeah, we did it door to door But the most success I had was in in the parking lots Just because it was free people didn't even have to give us money sign up for eight weeks free the rockland journal news

$5. Yeah, that's that's the way to go. Yeah, because they didn't cancel their subscriptions And then they'd bill them they never and they'd make it so they because they were all scam artists It was all fucking scams back then before the internet before you could yelp somebody and give them a bad review It was like, what are they gonna do? How are they gonna? We're gonna bill them because we've been sending the fucking paper to their door That'll write in a letter or some shit to cancel the subscription Because nobody would answer the phones and that was that and they knew they'd make more than five dollars off of each subscription

They say yes to I got I'm sorry. Couldn't you just fake it and let go through the phone? Oh, yeah We did that all the time We did that in the wintertime when we were doing it. That's what we would do Yeah, fuck this was going and we were just Because by the time our bosses figured out that it wasn't a real person because they called to confirm I guess to make sure they they got it or whatever. I didn't order the paper. Hold on one second. Jane. Did you order the paper? I didn't order the paper Tommy you order the paper. No, I didn't order the paper. We don't want no fucking paper. Don't call here no more

But you know, you put a fake number you put whatever and you know, you they'd get they take the commissions back from you But that's why everyone's get fired in the winter because you just go and hang out in the mcdonalds You just play fucking the video games at the local arcade or whatever But yeah, I mean I was because I was so poor was a good It was a good thing in a weird way because I became very like industrious You know, I'm saying I'm like I'm like the guy who you know, I produce all my I don't trust somebody Like him to fucking produce my shit. I make sure that I have my hands and everything. Um, you know I I'm I'm kind of like fucking obsessive with like making sure my shit's the way

You know that I want it done But it was from a young age I remember when I was like seven the first time I ever cared about making money because I always do like a lemonade stand or You know, you'd go you'd go shoveling snow door to door in the suburbs You know, um, because you know little old ladies can't shovel their walkways So make five ten bucks or whatever But there was a guy who died in my neighborhood And his family I guess they you know, they couldn't take all of his furniture and horseshit that he had in his house

So they put it all out on the curb Um To just for the garbage or whatever so me and this other kid nick gia culley We took all of the furniture That they put out like everything like really nice shit like a nice leather couch like a nice like wooden chest And we moved it over to my yard and we had a yard sale while my mom was at work one day And we were fucking we were just getting ripped off by adults the couch leather couch five dollars I was like, yeah, it's fine. They're okay

Dude fucking we were cleaned out in like two hours because they were like they were they They were actually ripping off little kids in a weird way. They should have given us more money But uh, I remember that was like the first time I ever Was like I like making money. I like like going out and kind of like earning money and I almost became like I mean, it wasn't always scams. It was it was a lot of times. It was just like I always worked You know, I was I used to sweep when I was 11 after I did that job I started working at a hair salon sweeping up the hair in the salon And uh, given all the girls lunch

I used to jerk off in the salon too to the girls because they were all hot Yeah, disgusting. Come on. This is where we this that's where the fork in the road is for me and joey Got a lot in common, but just jerking off in public. He's just not into it Lily Gomez, you're an interesting guy because you're with people we don't exist no more. We're called hustlers. Yeah Your your mind's always going. Yeah, it's a horrible way to fucking live. Yeah, never satisfied way to live But your mind's always going Like I could put like that and that's where I learned from drug dealers. I would put them together I'd be with them for a day watching for two days and I know they were hiding this shit

When they went to pick it up who was watching it, you know, you just figure My mind's always moving like that. Yeah, that's like that for comedy. Yeah, that's why once we took our mind And reprogrammed it to apply to something positive We would be successful. Yeah, because we had been pseudo successful all along It was just my personal habits that would that took me down the shit that took me down all along I made money over the years. I don't know what I made But I I know I think back in my lifestyle in 85. I did not have a fucking job I did not have a job. I took a job like in april

to fucking with a hottie And he was building a house in fort lee of the liners to some and I would take the bus because the house was only gonna be like they're only gonna be there till like The second week of june And I just was just taking a chance one day and I knew I had to leave fucking jersey They were closing the doors on me. I had already robbed a ton of those gas stations I owed some drug dealers money

They you know people had seen me in the city drinking at bars and shit, you know, so I knew eventually I was gonna get fucking that and I got a call from a friend of mine that said that His attorney had a check for me From a phony fucking scam I did like I found my shoulder and shit like that And those things And this guy was just shit like he would go to becky joey. I'm so sorry man. I'm gonna die if I don't piss right now No, I feel bad to cut off your story man. Yeah, I did. I'm really I feel really and I want to hear this Lee, how you feeling cocksucker?

I'm doing great now. We'll do one of the sponsors real quick here. Let me get the sheets First off My number one motherfucker On it.com Supplying the juice you like joey What's the juice shroom tech sport and shroom tech immune hemp force protein shakes the mike goche Almond banana protein the new protein that Lee already fucking devoured in two weeks because it was so fucking yummy For your tummy. You understand me?

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And if you want this delivered to your house in the cycles get on the stay on it program But I'll tell you what if you're fucking more, you know, working out you're trying to take care of yourself On it has something for you cucksuckers go to on it.com and press in church ch u r ch And get 10% off your honor deal. Listen, uh I went to this uh seminar a few weeks ago on breathing and then she did it Dr. Belisa came on the podcast and all this breathing stuff that she uh subscribed which is fucking working So I had the great jiu-jitsu Which is working

About that The root of it when you're sitting there is that you're breathing and you're you're you're kind of going to a meditative state Because you're you're breathing out you're breathing and you're moving your pelvis Even if you're sitting there you could breathe this way and what she wants you to do is to get the lower half of your body breathing In fact, you got to go to that girl's 10 planet class. She said because she's incorporating all that breathing shit In her yoga, but back to it goes hand in hand with meditation Now let's be honest most of your problems start with your mind fear anger stress anxiety depression sleeplessness

They begin in your head and they can wreck your life But it doesn't have to be that way you can make a major difference in just 10 minutes a day You understand me 10 minutes a day this change comes through guided meditation with a new headspace app Headspace is meditation made simple bam It's guided meditation as you listen to whenever you want wherever you want right on your phone Compute on your tablet. You could be on a flight. You could be meditating instead of sitting there looking at disgusting stuff like people You know i'm saying meditation is rooted in thousands of years of tradition with thousands thousands of scientific studies that show

The positive effects like improving focus and relationship harmony and decreasing anxiety and stress Join over 4 million users already getting headspace for free. That's right now for free Do me a favor download the free headspace app and begin their take 10 program For 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash joey. That's right The headspace take 10 program is 100 freeway to experience the benefits of meditation in your busy modern life So do me a favor train your mind for a healthier less stress life Start with your free trial today right now today at headspace.com slash joey again That's headspace.com slash joey. You will not be sorry

I've been getting a few emails on this and it's true It all goes back to breathing and focusing your energies And if you want to reference andy pedicombs ted talk, which has over 5.5 million views It should come up in the google andy pedicomb ted talk Andy is the founder headspace and the voice you hear on the app So again, go to headspace.com slash joey and start your free trial today And get the take 10 program How's that for you? So what was i talking about? No talking about

I'm not talking about the i'm too high. Yeah We got into sales. We got into hustling The um scurvy Oh, we'll do that after we're talking. We'll do that at the end. So we close it You always want to close the tone. You don't leave them a little something. You know what i'm saying? kind of my grager Yeah, we got like uh, three or four a couple minutes and shit like that. Uh No, you're an interesting dude, man. You have nothing to be ashamed about

I think about being ashamed some nights and I go why? Yeah, why I redeem myself. What's a redeeming myself? I'm a productive member of society I pay taxes I don't litter I stopped for old ladies. It's so funny. Like I stopped. I don't remember. I would just throw a fucking gum wrap Yeah, I did too. That shit is bad. Yeah, Joe Rogan was the first person to say you shouldn't litter with you I watched people do now my manager littered the other day. It bothers you. It bothers the shit out of you I'm like, yeah, I was like, you're an adult. What are you doing?

Why are you throwing your fucking gum wrapper on the floor? You want to throw a roach on the floor? Be my guest Yeah Put in the fucking street there where the cars run over and it's like that There's just so many things that you You don't even know you think you're a productive member of society until you really become a And I haven't been a productive member of society. Maybe like fucking seven years The rest has been a bit of destruction. I mean, well, that's why I'm trying to not smoke weed is because I'm not a productive members

Or I'm much less of a productive member of society. He's gonna do it. If I don't want to kick it up a little bit No, but why are we gonna blame reefer? I'm not blaming a reefer. I'm blaming the reefer. No, blame the funk. No, no Weed is great for everybody. I'm the funk. Don't blame the reefer. I'm not good when I Will do when I you know that anxiety you feel in life all day done I try to smoke it away instead of doing the shit I gotta do, you know what I'm saying? Like that's my body going. Hey, dude, you need to fucking work. You need to hustle You need to get on tv. You need to be successful. You need to give your son a good life And then I'm like, well, you know what? Let me get high so I don't feel that

And then I don't do what I need to do. Let me explain some to you. You've been a hustler all your life Yeah, you've been teeter totting on the side of society. You love it, but not really god gave you a blessing We'd balance that all out for you. Yeah, weed makes you feel a little dirty and you're doing nothing We'd make you feel like eight somebody's asshole. You don't even know I just want if I can get a fucking I promise you As soon as I'm successful, I will smoke weed every night. It'll be great becoming a catholic after you know what I'm saying It's like me giving you 10 million now. You want to go to church? You hypocrite motherfucker now You want to come back to get 10 million? No, where were you when you were poor? Where were you when you needed your fuck?

Believe me if I wouldn't get up and just want to smoke all day long and just fucking not do what I need to do What about smoking and being productive at the same time? I I have had times where I have been but It's like dude the way I feel now that I'm not getting baked all day It's like I'm fucking there. I finished projects dude. I finished. I mean, I I never would finish a script I would only take me a year to finish a fucking script now. I'm actually writing at a high level I'm I'm myself. I can have a conversation with you make eye contact as opposed to fucking, you know, just getting in my head

I don't know man. It was like, uh, it was fucking with you. Then give it a breather. That's it. Yeah, it's fucking Time to jump in the Hudson River. Here's what I tell you Here's what I'll tell you this is a commitment that I'm gonna make because I'm not gonna smoke weed and I want to commit something You're a good man. I got a hand at you. I try to I try to you know I'm trying to really do this the right way when I come to LA With you, I'll eat a corner of a star That'll that'll be what it'll be when I'm with Joey Diaz I'll take a fucking little nibble of a star

to get me fucking Right here because to be honest, I feel right. I feel nice right now I don't feel big. I can't tell you how many motherfuckers avoid this But so I applaud you because you came out here and you said, you know what and you told me your story and I appreciate it But not tonight Not tonight if you were some white dude from Iowa accepted you're from the same boat. We correct the same water Listen, I had my struggles to And I finally you just break down and go this is what I'm gonna do and this is what I can't do

When you come to church, you gotta eat the Eucharist. Yeah, right or wrong. All right You go to church and sit there like a fucking half a fag. You put five in the basket But you're not gonna get something out of the deal not even a blessing from the fall body of Christ, motherfucker the body of Christ Same fucking thing. This is the body of Christ. Everybody Fucking st. Lazarus showed up, you know how strong this is from Steve Simone. Yeah, I grew up with a listen. I'm Cuban And I will have my friends from grammar school calling tomorrow And say what do you remember my house and they'll go good fucking six foot st. Lazarus in your fucking living room So my mom was that Cuban. Let me see this thing for a second. Let me tell you what looks like arish if you're does look like arish if you

These dogs are supposed to be labs a black lab and a gold like a gold lab Okay, and he's got scars all over them and it's leprosy and these dogs licked his leprosy away So he became their patron saint. They celebrate this guy in cuban december 17th This is how deep my mom was she bought this motherfucker a cape A purple cape And it was wrapped around his shoulders and then she said he's missing something So she went and got a 14 karat gold You want to talk about being a speck

Because it's like two people do this type of shit. Yeah, and we'll just say right out speck and niggas Yeah, the only people look at a saint in the living room. We go that motherfucker needs something You know, he needs a 14 karat gold Fucking one of those things that shines around your head when you're a saint crown So this motherfucker had a halo My mother had a halo made for him and the purple cape And then they said fuck it. He's missing something else. So they went and got him a gold train And then in front of him they'd have bottles of wine with glasses with cigars

Because on a certain day of the week, you got to go over light your fucking cigar blow that st. Lazarus And put the cigar down. You don't know I lived in this house You don't know how many times I ran on those stairs and I shook my pants You had it took three people to carry this motherfucker in the house to base a loan Wait like 300 pounds. Yeah Okay, so you'd have to pick him up and then take now the fucking muletas came off the the What do you call these things The crutches

We had the crutches that came off from his arms and then his arms came off and you carried him his head stayed on One night my fucking sophomore year in september. I have a party And one of my buddies is upstairs banging this chick And her boyfriend comes looking for her and the guy was a senior football player Eddie Borelli. I'll never forget this came into my living room. He goes. Hey anybody see this chick And everybody goes we don't know nothing and she was upstairs with louis the nigger She was upstairs with the only the minute he was Dominican

Okay, you grew up in jersey. He was the only Dominican in 1979. Yeah, he had an afro So those white kids Dominican was an american. He's a nigger. Yeah, you know, they didn't understand They were so backwards louis the nigger was upstairs giving it to her Eddie Borelli's downstairs asking for where she is and then all of a sudden the back of his mind. He goes where's louis the nigger And when you go he left an hour going he goes i want to look around the house And this thing was standing there this thing was saying last Well, there was a table and there was a patio door that you opened up jersey style to your backyard

And they came in through the kitchen I'll never forget there was this kid chris donovan. He was redhead And he had freckles. So denny collange. Well, he used to call him the riddler Oh my god, you have no idea. So after everything denny would say he'd go What's the story we're gonna go for hamburgers you in you in riddler you in and riddler So for a year he lived under the riddler reign and that night He went over and he goes eddie. You can't come into coco's house and ask for this shit So I advise you to go and it really goes. What if I don't chris donovan turned around and took one of the mulettas

And he goes i'll break this over your fucking head. You step here again And that was the end these motherfuckers looked at each other. I was shitting the pickle my heart was pounding My mom was in miami trying to sell her property and I threw out through a fucking party And now they're gonna break the fucking mulettas in my living room I will be dead If if st. Lazaro breaks, are you fucking kidding me? I will be dead and they walked out and that was the end of that war Get stressed out just thinking about it. How you doing, uh, louis lemor? What's going on over there?

How's how's it feel to eat fucking 900 and 20? No, it's not not thousand. He ate like a little two tails. Don't don't throw him under the fucking flame All right. Yeah, I went pretty hard. He put he went deep, you know Into the murky waters of the underworld. Why you there? Why you You didn't know fucking thousand. I ate like a 1100 today. I had a bunch of samples. That's cool How was it you looking good? You good tacos? No, I didn't get there for the tacos as I was getting there. They were cooking the tacos And they were giving you tickets for ice cream

The place was fucking packed They had food trucks at them tell me you said they had the grilled cheese truck I saw a grilled cheese truck today with a line like a block long. Is that like a big thing out here? Oh, yeah, this fucking gentiles go cream because in new york It's the fucking shitty halal street meat. There's a couple of them in midtown by the series xm building Nobody's smoking dope. Don't on the street. No. No, no, no, no, not at all. But no, they're packed just in general Yeah, in new york, you dude, I fucking I got a ticket for I got arrested Dude, I got arrested for fucking smoking weed

That's why I can't go into canada because I've been arrested for smoking weed too many times I went to montreal comedy festival this past year. I was like, they let me in I got a fucking thing that I had to pay $200 for a temporary residency visa They're like, just listen, don't get in trouble again Me dave smith and these two chicks were outside of a bar smoking a bowl These cops came up to us. This is how fucked up cops are to hispanic people. They didn't even know These guys didn't even give a fuck this how racist these cops were and I'm not a guy that calls racism I'm I get called racist. I'm not a guy that's out there going out cops are fucking racist

Dude, this fucking cop. He goes to my buddy Dave. He grabbed the ball from us He's like, all right, and he saw Dave put the weed in his pocket He was like, do you have weed in that pocket right there? They was like, nope Here's I'm gonna ask you one more time. Okay, and this is very important. You answer this question, honestly Do you have weed in that pocket right there? They was like, nope He's like, oh, you want to lie to me and then he grabs me by my shoulder and goes your buddy's come in with me Boom and they put the handcuffs behind me. They let him keep the fucking weed, dude They brought me in I got out in like four hours. It wasn't a big deal

During the Montreal comedy. No, no, no, this is in New York after the fact Oh, oh dude during the festival would have fucking killed me before you get before you showcase But dude, and now I can't go back now. I'm done done with canada over weed Unbelievable Louis Gomez, I don't tell this to anybody anytime you're in town. You're a guest on here. Oh, I love it You've just become family. Thank you. You blew my mind You're the last to know he can thank god. We saw some other guy Lee thinks i'm making this shit up in my mind when I talk when he was smelling your hand and smells like ass

That's my left hand Yeah, but I went home took a shower. I did a thousand things every time I walked in and out I washed my fucking hands You gotta wash your hands before you piss. I do. Yeah, I didn't know that I didn't know that That's the biggest way that hpv has spread Because you shake your hands with somebody and then you're gonna touch your dick and you wash your hands afterwards Yeah, dude, my doctor told me that because I thought I don't know what shit. Yeah That's the first thing I do when I know the next morning when I get in the car hand the fight I sanitize the steering wheel because I'm out all night shaking hands and shit

And as you're shaking people's hands, you can feel that they fingered somebody They got that dry juice on their finger and she like this is fucking disgusting And the first thing you do before you touch your dick or anything. You gotta wash your hands with hot hot hot water Like you gotta go And then put cold water and then oh and then soap it up again and get the fingers No, you gotta wash you gotta wash your hands every time. Well, I don't I don't get crazy hot water That's his thing. Yeah, you gotta burn. You gotta burn. Why use some hot water? Yeah, you gotta burn that motherfucker That's how they kill the germs for sure that those germs that they're coming over now. This ain't no fucking duck walk

I think you're all lying. I think everyone here is masturbating on an airplane and it's bugging me I thought everyone's like, oh, yeah, I get it. Yeah, completely. You guys look to me like i'm a fucking asshole To take your dick out on a plane Is unheard of and just whack off Now if you're gonna fuck somebody or get a blowjob in the seat, I'm with you 150 percent No in the bathroom though, not just in your seat. No, that's just it's even more disgusting That is the most uncomfortable fucking thing that's ever It smells like shit. Oh, it smells like death. There's cameras. They're watching you for sure

They're not watching you in the bathrooms watching you for sure. I'm telling you we got too much money invested But I'm not to be wet like Las Vegas. They can't lose those plans So they want to make sure for sure if they see somebody going in and strapping something They see it trust me. Can you go to that? Yeah, it's fun. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're gonna tell you that shit because they're not stupid Well, I've never even heard this conspiracy that creepy shit. You have to listen. It's not a conspiracy. This is how you have to assume Gold and next time you go in that fucking bathroom. Why is that mirror so wide? When you go to Las Vegas the mirror is like this Whenever you go in the bathroom on a plane in the front by the pilot

That mirror is completely wide all the way to the end I think you have to assume every inch of that plan is on camera. I assume all that shit I have been but we've had we've had terrorist attacks. We've had terrorist attacks We've had the guy with the fucking sneakers and the plane afterwards. There's no cameras on any of those planes and now I bet there are I would see them. They're not invisible cameras. There's something going on in those plans You have to assume there's something going on those airports There's too much money invested in the flight business for a plane to go down to the united states right now It would just to throw us

Yeah, it would just kill us. There's too much. I'm I'm I'm telling you right now They's picking me up jerking off on the black box. Okay. I'm telling you right now that they've got Four miles from every airplane from every airport is under fucking strict surveillance four miles. Oh, yeah I believe that bumper you can't do anything in those four fucking blocks If they see you doing something suspicious, they will call the black and white like an anonymous tip But they will have those four blocks that tsa the nca the fbi Those four miles around lax are wide for sound

Don't think that every time I take my dick out and piss when I get out because when you get the lax It's 40 minutes 30 minutes. You had coffee When I fuck the first thing I do is I open the door and take my dick on make believe I'm looking through my luggage I'm peeing I'm peeing I'm that coffee's coming out of me that fucking almond milk smoothie That's coming out of me and I know that if I sit there for a couple more minutes Somebody's gonna show up A couple mysteriously show up. They always do

Yeah, they always do because that's under all they they gotta watch those parking garages. I know what they tell you That's against the law. I know against who's law Against who's fucking law You have to assume. Yeah when you go to las vegas I had a friend who got arrested doing a bump in the bathroom stall Really had them on tape. They had them on tape from above. That's your privacy You think they give a fuck oh and about yeah, but I thought public bathrooms. They can't have cameras They can't do nothing again. You have to fucking assume

I'm going to vegas tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. So while you're there and you jerk open the closet They got somebody watching you there too. They go. We got a freak on the 12th floor again Is there an m track from la to vegas? No or no train. It's only a six hour fucking bus ride Just you can just rent a car. I don't drive. I haven't had a license since I was 18 Yeah, I didn't want to hear this fucking story Because I know this is a doozy you got caught whacking off in the trunk in the samba You had a taco bell, you know, no, it wasn't it was I moved to new york city You don't need a car in the city. So that was it. I had unpaid tickets

And it just got suspended and that was that but now they got like uh, this chick was telling me last night they have Like air bnb for cars You go to a city you just rent somebody's car for them for like a third of the cost that across the rent a car Yeah, yeah The one's called like lux I think I know leaves only jump on that bandwagon No, because they have things where you're gonna call and make them your new sponsor now that we put them through sales training they have um

They have things now where you can get free airport parking And then they do they rent your car out when you're gone And then you supposedly get paid too if they rent your car out People selling their souls for bucks now, they don't give a fuck jack They don't give a fuck louis gomez anytime you're in town and they got to get to the county store I'd say 20 already cousins before 20. You know what I'm saying? There you go What do you think you're dealing with here? Joey you're the fucking you're the man, dude

You're the man. Thank you when you're in new york, man. Please come on lesion of skanks You guys do saturdays, right? No, we do tuesdays and wednesdays That's the problem with that new york tuesdays and fucking wednesdays I mean, no, no, no, no, let me let me rephrase this if you come on a saturday You just let me know we'll just do a pre-tape. We'll make it work, man. Okay. You know, I mean you're you're a guy who we've get, you know Tons of requests for I mean, you know, it's fucking joey deal. You're a legend. You're a legend I'll come on with lee in september. We're fucking 100% you guys open it by leo be in training by that time He'll be at 1600 milligrams to open

Like he's just showing up with fucking eight stars like listen like if we don't have eight stars, we ain't getting They're gonna have to make bigger stars. Yeah, hold on. We're going. We're thinking about the lee sciat deluxe edition 1,000 milligrams with a picture is real Who's better than fucking is really flag or what? Huh? Look at the israeli flag or what? I haven't decided yet. There's a mountaintop. I like Listen every fucking week I talk to different people from dean del re to a friend of mine and fucking uh In san diego her and her husband

They go to thousands of games and they're always hustling prices. I know a couple up in uh In pasadena my daughter's godmother. They got three kids. They go to laker games. They go to all that stuff And let me tell you something If you're looking for tickets for concerts Games, I mean anything like that. Do me a favor. What's the next big event you want to go to? All right, black Sabbath. Maybe you wanted to go to kobe's thing Maybe you want to go to the dodgers against san francisco Whatever it is you can bet that someone's going to pay less for better seats

How they use score big you're paying too much for tickets between all the markups and the last minute convenience charges Even printed home fees you end up paying court side prices for nose bleed seats Score big is here to change that. Do you know that 40 of all live events go unsold? And did you know that there's a place to get these seats and huge savings? It's called score big Score big works directly with your favorite teams and artists to get their unsold seats and unpublished prices All right, only score big You can name a ticket price and be guaranteed to pay below box office up to 60 Percent off. That's right 60 percent off. That's right 60 percent off. Bring that beat back

Here's what you do one you go to score big dot com or download the new score big app for your iphone And find the event and seats that you want takes a few minutes boom boom boom To make an offer on score big's name a ticket price feature all right Three get an instant answer and save up to 60 percent on your ticket never any fees and shipping is always free You can count on unbeatable prices and great seats and when you're in great seats You actually enjoy the game or the show all the more so do me a favor Next time you go see any game or show

Go to score big first and see how much you can save for the easiest way to save on tickets Download the new score big app right now right now. Don't fuck around. This is a fucking. This is unbelievable Score big app for your iphone and the promo code joey at checkout joey joey at checkout and you'll save an extra 20 dollars off your first ticket purchase. All right That's what i'm doing for you tonight cocksuckers. No iphone. No problem. No speakey. No spanish Get 20 dollars offline too that score big dot com that score big dot com promo code joey joey wide that score big dot com promo joe

Joey your mother fuckers got me with the one more. I love headspace I love score big and I love honor. Thank you for sponsoring the show I love louis domez. He's a fucking soldier at that I love lisa. I know always. I love the beautiful becky ramo. So then we're fucking famous Thank you, brother. I love you cocksuckers. I'm in buffalo tomorrow night friday and saturday. Where's my man? Where you at this week? All right. I'm gonna be Well, this week I got i'm just doing one spot in vegas, but go may 13th. Legion of stanks presents. Where are you in vegas? uh, i'm doing a spot

It's just a guest spot at um the planet hollywood in the mall. There's a spot. I wouldn't say one I don't know. Okay. I want to pump that for you, but fuck that Bring that beat back legionist skanks legionist skanks presents may 13th louis j. Gomez dave smith with special guest dan soter at the hospital club in detroit Um, that's gonna be a fucking killer show Obviously all my other dates new york city dates everything on gomez comedy.com Check out legionist skanks. Check out the countdown on serious xm rush 93 myself and michael bish being Every thursday 6 p.m. Eastern standard time

I know and the real ass podcast my fucking my my illegitimate child podcast Which we fucking this is that's a little more like this. We go fucking deep. It's not just craziness like legionist skanks Uh, that's gas digital network.com brand new network. We started every friday at 12 noon. There you go i'm in buffalo tomorrow night cocksuckers Tomorrow night's the night jazz dup started debt Friday is next week indianapolis And don't forget to let's name it full frontal comedy full frontal podcast Look at the shape of this fucking

It don't fucking matter. I love you guys. We're gonna talk again monday night 8 p.m. We got a surprise guest coming in Thank you again for 4 20. Whatever the fuck you're doing Get stoned to the gills. I love you. Stay black Dude, thanks, man. Thank you, my brother. I really mean that was fucking great. Really fun. We don't fuck around here You This show is brought to you by score big Next time you go see any game or show go to score big first and see how much you can save

The easiest way to save on tickets Download the new the new score big app on your iphone enter promo code joey at checkout And you'll save an extra 20 off of your first ticket purchase. You don't have an iphone. That's fine Just go to score big.com and use promo code joey. That's score big.com promo code joey Show is also brought to you by headspace.com Go to headspace.com and download their free headspace app and begin the take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation right now That's headspace.com slash joey and download the take their free headspace app and begin the take 10 program right now The show is also brought to you by onit.com

Go to onit.com and use promo code church to save 10 on all of their great optimization products Like alpha brain new mood and strong bone Oh, shit little ever smith for you cocksuckers little seasons of weather what? Oh You I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so sad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah I feel so good, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah you, now don't normay I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad,

yeah, oh, I feel so bad, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, yeah, I feel so bad, yeah, bring me your fuckin' shoulder, yes, make me like My ship leaves in the midnight Can't say I'll be back to swim Awaken by far away He, my candle, throw me away Seas of a thousand drawn to her sin

Seas of weather holding me Ooh, it's me, I feel so big I feel so sick I feel so sick I'll lose your mind in tomorrow's time Take the wind right out of your sail I feel so sick I feel so sick

I'll lose your mind in tomorrow's time