Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #375 - Kira Soltanovich

Episode Date: April 28, 2016

Kira Soltanovich, Comedian who's One Hour Special "You Did This To Me" that Kira shot 7 months pregnant premieres May 2nd on Amazon and other streaming platforms. This podcast is brought to you by:   Tracker - Go to Thetracker.com and use code word "church" for 30% off of your entire order.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 04/27/2016.
  

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A little Keith Richards gets your fucking blood going, church of what's happening now, April 27th, oh shit, 2016, I hope. Jesus fucking Christ, this is too fucking much, strap a pair motherfuckers, we're coming at you big tonight. What's happening you bad motherfuckers, uncle Joey here with my main man, Lisa Yat, my main Kyra Soltanovich, what are you fucking nuts? So what? Is it Kyra or Kyra?

It is Kyra, but I told you I let you and one other person get away, and she's Dominican, so I let the Cuban and the Dominican get away with Kyra. I used to know a Spanish girl, her name was Kyra, and she was fucking dynamite, her and her family were really dynamite. When I first got into comedy, their parents had like a Mexican restaurant on top of the boulder and boulder on the U district, I didn't know what happened to those people, they had a couple sisters, couple brothers. So she was a Kyra or a Kyra?

Kyra. She was a Kyra, yeah. She had a great sense of humor, and she'd always make the tacos and I giggle while I was there, whatever and shit, my wife worked upstairs, so there was no drama, there was no pressure. We could just be ourselves, we should just giggle all the time. My dad would get involved in the conversations and argue, and I would just go in there to light her up.

Yeah. I would go in there until she'd asked me to leave, because we'd get into it about music, and I don't forget who she liked, I just fucking hated, like Springsteen or something, and I'd go in there with facts and just blow her fucking mind. But I see you liking a lot of music, and that's not in a bad way. No, I do like a lot of music. I feel like you have a pretty wide array, palette of music. Now, did you hate that music because she liked it?

Was it like something that you just hated because she liked it or no? I don't remember what the argument was about, but when it comes to music, I will go home and plot your fucking demise. Do you understand? I think I listen to terrible music. Well, I don't care about terrible music, it's somebody sticks up to me, like steps up, like a couple of weeks ago I was in a meeting with some people, and this woman said something about Adele, and I had to lay into it because of what happened at the Academy Awards.

You had to lay into it? You know, whatever happened. What happened? As I'm watching this, I see this fucking chick, it's horrible, and the voice is horrible, and everything is horrible, and I don't make, you know, I know music. I've been to enough concerts to know that there's no concert that's 100%, the walls, everything has, even as a comic. Yeah.

Sometimes you go into a theater and you go watch a comic in the theater, and you're like, this is fucking terrible. That's why I don't like theaters, because it's such a big fucking gap. You know, there's nothing like going to see any type of show, and the sound is not right. You get irritated, it's not about the $22 or the $35, it's about, I can't even listen to this, I'm getting a fucking headache. It's amazing how much that matters, like, I went to see a show and the lights were on, took me completely out of it, it's a great comedian who I love, but the lights were on

the whole show, for some awful reason. In the audience. Yeah. Oh my God. The effects. Look, it's okay to have a little bit of light, but it's nice when it's dark, you know, but put you in the mood. I did a show recently where I had three comics ahead of me, and I had to tell the guy that

put the show together, I go, I'm begging you, please, can you, so Owen Smith, Owen Smith was on stage. I go, please, I'm begging you. Can you turn the lights down in the audience? Well, Owen's on, I go, he will not mind, he will actually thank whoever is doing this. Trust me, just trust me, and I had to beg this guy, and he finally turned the lights down in the audience, and Owen was like, thank you so much for making this into a real comedy room now, instead of, you know, like a corporate, you know, luncheon.

It makes a huge difference. When you were a child, when you were a funny child, did you step out in class and crack jokes? Yeah, yeah. That was you, you all solely? I didn't, I like to be like a little bit, but not like comedians. I had like a little joke that I would say quietly, so a couple people could hear, but I was always, I was always like a class clown.

That was more me, like not, not jokes. Like I wasn't a class clown, but I would get irritated. I would get irritated in the same way I would get irritated now, and I would get irritated on the bus, and I would go off on the bus, not only as a kid. About what? Eight minutes into it, I'd go off on the bus, and that's when people would laugh. And then you go off in front of your hangout, your deli. So we had a deli, and we hung out in front of the deli.

And to be honest with you, like if there was a circle of six, three of these guys could have been top notch comedians, hysterical. And you had to pick things, and what you said better be fucking good, because you only get one shot at this. And if you get the limelight and you get them rolling, you got the stage. However long you get them rolling, that's street comedy. It's kind of weird. You know, I really envy people who grew up like that.

My friends that I grew up with that I'm still best friends now, you know, we're in each other's weddings, you know, I mean, we vacation together, you know, we're all best friends still. None of them ever wanted to be funny or be a comic, or even, I mean, honestly, even public speaking probably scared the hell out. I grew up with such an interesting group of girls. I'm the only one in that group. I don't know, maybe that's I attracted like, I attracted them to me because maybe I didn't

want the competition. I don't know, but a lot of comics balance. Listen, I have my comedian friends, but if I have my choice, right now in my life, I go to get to a 12 o'clock and then my balance because nobody talks to me about counting. I'm just a fat white belt, a fat sweaty white belt. He smells like hamburgers and fucking reefer this kid. You know, so it balances it out. I don't want to hang out with comedians all day and be doing for your life at one part

of your career from the three to eight year mark. You need to live in an apartment with four comedians. You need to be around comedians because that's how you dive yourself in there. That's how you, there's a word. You sink yourself into the life style, immerse yourself into the lifestyle, but then you grow as a human being and you get an apartment and you find the wife is significant. My point was this, that it's funny. This is why I like it dark.

That's the Lord talking to us. It's really weird. You ever see the movie? What's the movie with Al Pacino when he's a football coach? Any given Sunday? You ever see that? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. A long time ago. Interesting line in there, Kira. And I used to host at the store. That's how I used to see a young Kira at the store. Yeah. Kyra.

That's the thing. A really pretty Kira, but very unassuming, very quiet. You weren't slutty. You didn't say much. You only spoke, if you were spoken to, you know, I used to watch you. I'm a big watcher. I may not talk to you, but I'm watching. All right.

That's just my nature. I may not talk to you. I may not fucking even like you, but I'm watching. You may be the fucking ugliest girl in the room and there's a hot girl, but I'm watching you because you're interesting to me that there's a hot chick over there with one Momo and you're a fat chick with fucking heels on his six guys chasing around you. You're following me. Yeah.

So you're doing something right. That fucking chick over there that thinks she's hot, she's got good pussy. She's doing it wrong. You follow. I've always liked people like when I first got to the store, you used to watch Dice. Yeah. Okay. A little secret about Dice, you know what Dice, you know what Dice drives, Dice crazy.

What? You don't talk to him. So he'd be by the stairs. Yes. Go ahead. Close your eyes. 1998. Yes.

There was an animal. Oh yeah. Yeah. And he'd hold a court. I'd stand by the sign. There could be 80 fucking people over there. I would stand by the sign. After an hour, you absolutely have to get up and walk over and go, what's up?

Because you got these 80 people. Yeah. Why don't you have that one? You know what I'm saying? It's just anything with a girl. I'm an ugly dude. But I've pulled some tail in my life, not because I'm good looking, because it's psychology. She comes in, everybody's lighting her cigarette.

When she walks by me, I spit on the fucking floor. She's gonna turn her back and go, what's going on? Everybody loves my fucking titties, but you haven't said a word about them. She's not gonna give a fuck about you. She's gonna go get a drink, get a cigarette and come to war and sell me her pussy, even though she don't want to give it to me. You follow me and the more I walk back, she's gonna go, everybody in this place wants my pussy, but this fat motherfucker, he's got the answer.

He's got the answer to my problems. It's so weird how psychology works. In any given Sunday, he's losing the black quarterback, Jamie Foxx, and he takes him aside and he goes, listen, this ain't no big deal. He goes, you're in front of 80,000 people today, but this ain't no big deal. I want you to think about being at home. One play left. Your mom just called.

You gotta go on for dinner. You got one play. What's the guy say? Run to the Cadillac and hook a fucking left. When I heard that, I remember going to the store and appreciating the store because I don't have to see these people for me to go in a row. I got to go back to 88 Street Park. I got to go back to 82nd Street Park.

I can't stand straight. I got to stand sideways. I know these things. Once I stand sideways and start talking this way, my head's that way, but I'm standing sideways. I'm on 88 Street Park. I'm on 82nd Street on the corner. I would always look that way because cars are coming this way.

I don't want no car to hit a car and hit me. I'm saying you got to pay attention. You might be cracking jokes, so it really made sense to me. That's why I don't like the lights on because I don't have to fucking see these people. I don't have to see them fucking judge me. The wall. You know what the wall's about? The wall's about, he made a statement when that after a show.

I wish I could do a fucking show with a wall in between me and the fans. Are you serious? Yeah. He said that? That's how it all started. Oh my God. I didn't know that. Do you think people respond to that though?

Well, if you, we were discussed a couple weeks ago, the concert or the actual 80, the A1980 concert was, they performed all four sides of the album. Yeah. But while they're performing, midgets, dressed as fucking whatever the fuck they are, are building a wall around them to finally a wall's in front of them. And then for comfortably numb, Dave Gilmore plays the solo on top of the wall. And then the wall comes down and there's a couple of songs after the wall comes down. And that's the fucking story.

It's interesting to me that you, you were funny, like you tried to be funny, but then you're also like watching because I associate watching with being an introvert. Yes. Which I don't, on the outside, you don't seem like it, but you're both like, I'm, I'm a hundred percent, like 99% introvert. Listen for 32 years. I thought I was retarded. I would be embarrassed to make this statement and I watched the biography on Marlon Brando.

Yeah. And for years, all Marlon Brando would do was go down to town and sit in the fumbles. Those old school fumbles are closing and sitting and watching people. I love it. I love sitting there and watching what makes people tick. Well, can I, I want to say something and it's going to come across creepy, but it's not meant to be creepy. I like to go to Korean baths.

It is very well known that I really, really enjoy Korean baths. It's all women, obviously. There's a separate men's section, but we're all naked. And I like to watch women in not a sexual way at all. There's a vulnerability when you are, have you ever been to the Korean baths? Do you know what they're all about? Okay. There are places where you sit, they bathe differently, right?

They crouch down on like little stools and instead of like, they have stand-up showers as well, but they also sit with like a sit-down shower. It's really kind of crazy and bizarre, but also awesome. And when they're bathing, and I'm talking about strictly Koreans. And is it like a nice area? Is it like a gym locker room? There are Korean spots everywhere. No, no, no.

It's not a gym locker room at all. It's completely different. It's a whole different experience, but it's kind of religious and they have rituals and they scrub their bodies and they clean their bodies in a certain way. I was brought up in saunas and steam rooms and I don't fuck with jacuzzi because I just feel like there's some pussy tuberculosis happening. Yeah, tell us about that. That's a good...

No, no, no. I do not fuck with any kind of water, any kind of liquids ever. Unless it's bubbling up from the ground, then that's fine. Spring's in Colorado. Yes. 100%. I'm all over that. But I steam, I sauna, I go into like, they have all these different rooms.

Like there's a charcoal room and a jade room and clay room and, you know, all the different. I love that shit. But specifically when the women are washing themselves, again, not sexual at all, I like to watch and observe the ritual of it. Now, let's say a guy goes into a Korean fucking bath house. Yeah. He goes into the guy's section. He goes into the guy's section and who bathes him?

Two women or two men bathed him? Men. Oh, they bathed you? Yeah, they bathed you. They scrubbed the fucking top three layers of your skin awfully. You see your skin on the floor like a snake. Oh, I thought it was like a bunch of people showering, like bathing together. No, that's not the fuck is wrong with you.

That's later. That's part of the shit. They scrub the hell out of you. They say mugging with soap. Oh, God. Yeah, that's what it is. So is it painful? I like it, but I like a little bit of pain.

Little bit. I don't. I like that. Oh, God, but it feels so good. It's cleansing. Your skin is your largest organ. Sorry, guys. Sorry.

But your skin is your largest organ on your body. So it's like somebody massaging your kidneys or your pancreas. I mean, they're they're they're cleaning your your soul. Yeah, but you described it like a mugging. That's not like a general ruby. Very aggressive. So I have taken my husband to these because if you're going to be married to me, you have to be open to going.

And he said once that the dude, this little Korean man, he's just wearing like little black Korean underwear, lifted up his testicles and just went and just gave him a nice little scrub on his taint and put him back down and then just like smacked him on the head and was like, get out of here. My heart's beating. Just thinking about it. It's the best. I can't. I can't.

It is. I don't know how you respond, Joe. How would you respond if you were if someone convinced you to do that? I went on testosterone in 2013. Yeah, it was just under my knucklehead friends. I was never horny in my life and my wife was pregnant. And I never horny or yeah, never horny in my life. And I couldn't give my wife a stab in the way I could because I could even think of putting my yeah, yeah, little kid.

Yeah. I mean, it was horrible. And I would drive over to that massage parlor and I would sit out there and the thought of somebody massaging my back would give me such anxiety that I would just take off and go home and jerk off. Seriously? Oh, you have no idea. You have no idea. I don't like people behind me. Well, I don't even like people staying in the fucking behind me. And I've said this before, if I was a woman, I'd be a good piece of ass.

But you never doggies down me. I'm not ever giving up my eyesight on you. Some from being a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, your favorite goes to the side here. Yeah, just a thought of somebody scrubbing me. It's just so impersonal. Like, I don't even like my wife besides me. You know what? I go to that place over here with her

and we both sit together and they rub your feet on your shoulders. They have a happy hour for twenty five bucks. Yeah, yeah, I've done those. Yeah, I like that stuff. I'm a big. Now, why did why did you grow up in saunas and steams? Russians, Soviets are all about saunas and steam rooms. They beat you with. Yes, I saw leaves like like eucalyptus leaves. They call them Vienniki. They make them into like a little broom.

That's what a Vienniki is. It's a broom. So they make these special leaves. Usually eucalyptus because of the essential oils that are inside the leaves and they beat you. They beat you upside your face. And it's amazing. It's amazing. I cannot tell you how much I love a good, just fucked up, like get the heel of your foot, like in my ass.

Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. I love when you live or you live up here, when I used to live in Hollywood. Yeah. The Hollywood Y opens at five. And at five, oh, five, it's packed with Russians. Yeah, the Russians. I'm sorry. I want to just apologize. No, no, no, no. And they the first couple. Listen, the first couple of times they have the hoods on like the KKK.

You have to wear it. They like Russian KKK. I go in there and there'd be four fucking Russians with a hood and one black guy sitting there like, what happened? And I'd sit next to them like embarrassed. Like, who's the first punchy? They really were hoods. Yeah, they were. God, let me tell you, like wizard hats.

And here you are, a 505 stone to the gills. I'd walk in there. I'd wake up, take a shower, eat something, and I'd smoke dope. I'd get in those days, I used to get up at four, 15. I just quit coke. I needed something quick because I was losing my mind at some point. Yeah. So I wake up at four, jump in the shower and I'd be at the wine.

I'd get stoned and I'd eat like a little breakfast and I'd shoot over to the fucking wine and they'd be in there and they'd drink shots of vodka. Yeah. And after about two weeks, they offered. They were very close in their society that they offered. And this is something I did for about a year and a half. And I knew their names and I know what they did, but I really didn't. They were doing the shots in the sun.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't really care. None of my business. The only point, you know, gave me a hard time to Russian women in the pool. In the heated pool. Yeah. The heavier Russian women had only guys in there. They would battle me.

They'd cut me off. They do what they do. They're like little screw with their head above. Oh, yeah. They never fuck with their hair. Yeah, they hang out to the wall and they just kick for 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, this ain't doing nothing for you.

Very interesting. Well, I grew up. My mom was, she was hell bent on teaching me how to. It's called paritza. I was eight years old and she goes, all right, I'm teaching you. This is how you do it. She would teach me how to steam, how to sauna, the correct ways. You sit down afterwards.

You wrap yourself up. Here's what your body's doing. Your body is now, now it needs to cool down to help your circulation. They would put stuff. So you first, all right, so you get to the wall, you jump in the shower. I wouldn't swim first. I go in here first because in the back of my mind, I wanted all the coke to get out of my system. So I would jump in there first.

I would drink a bunch of water and I go into the, not where the steam comes out of the wall. Right. Or where the rocks are. Sure. That's the sauna. So I go in there first for 20. Yeah. It's great.

20 minutes is perfect. And I go right from there and I'd shower and shoot right back into that steam. And they'd already be in the steam before me. And they'd be in there drinking, they'd have water and vodka. And then they'd put some fucking Russian milky juice on the steamer. It was like eucalyptus mixed with, and the guy would talk to me all the time. This is for your health. Yeah.

These for your eyeballs. You see people who are giving you evil. You know, I was loving it. I was, you know, I knew the names. They were very nice. It was one black guy that was, he had a security system, a security business. Yeah. So he worked all night and he'd go in there at five.

And you could smell the fucking black booze coming out of his fucking brains. He was a boozer. So he'd go and he was very smart. Yeah. If you're going to be an alcoholic, at least get that shit out of you. Yeah. Yeah. That's detox.

That's why they drink inside the sauna. He would get in there and fuck. Take it back in the system. He would walk in the hammock. Sweated out. And then the Russians would walk out. He'd lay down on his back and he'd take a little nap in there. And then he'd do what he was doing, but what I was doing, but without the swim.

I'd do all that and then I'd jump in the pool. My wife wouldn't get up till eight. I had three hours to kill. Yeah. I would jump in the pool and do 45 minutes of laps in the heated pool. No way. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I'd do the whole fucking thing. I'd do 20 of kicking and then I'd put the thing between my legs and then I'd just pull. Non-stop. For 20 minutes and then I would just fucking do it all together. No wonder you lost 100 pounds. Yeah. That's what I was doing that in the morning. And then at night I was going back and hitting the bag and hitting it with my,

hitting the bag and riding the bicycle. That was it. Wow. Just doing weight watches. All this shit these people. Why do you have to do chiro and micronutrients? Listen, weight watches don't give a fuck if you eat fruit all day. You know what I'm saying?

They don't give a fuck. They're only doing diabetic. They don't give a fuck. Yeah. But it's so weird. I grew up, I came from Cuba. I grew up and in my generation, I don't know what it's called. I wasn't a millennial.

I wasn't a premillennial society, American society made you not hate the Russians, but made you in the late 60s and 70s. Yeah. Yeah. I think hate the right word. With Fidel, with Saddam Cubans. I didn't feel hate, but it made you be aware of Russians. Like it just made you like look out for Russians.

Like to America, it was Boris and Natasha. Yes. You know what I'm saying? It was Boris and Natasha. Well, Russian people have always had this vague mystery about them because of the USSR. And you could make fun of them because guess what? It's like the Amish. They weren't going to ever find out.

They weren't allowed television. My dad told me that when he was like in probably, you know, late 60s, he was probably, if he was born 47, you know, he's like probably just out of college. They got a bootleg version of the Beatles, whatever album came out in the late 60s. I forget which one that was, right? Let it be. Yeah. Could have probably let it be.

Probably let it be. They got a bootleg and it was the biggest coup of anyone's life. And they had to secretly tell people because it was at a time when neighbors would rat out each other. You know what I mean? And they listened to this Beatles album in like a dark dungeon somewhere, like underground in someone's basement. You know, look out.

I'm sure there was a look out. My cousins had the same problem in Cuba. In Cuba, yeah. And they were so unaware of anything else that was happening in the world because of propaganda. And so Russians were this vague mystery. And you could, you could make up whatever anything is mysterious. People just start making up their own stories about what it is because nobody knows. You know?

Obviously, I wasn't alive then. But to me, from what I've seen and write in history books, it seems like the Russians during the Cold War were like today's like the like ISIS or something like like to that level of fear, fear in the United States. Because I'm going along. I'm scared. Right. They got missiles.

Because didn't they do like bombs, bomb drills in the in the schools? Oh, because of Russia? I thought it was like the Cold War. I could be totally wrong. Yes. But I don't think it was ISIS style. No, but now YouTube videos of the headings. Oh, well, yeah.

It was just it was a different. Fear. They had never know when I first came from Cuba, every building had a shelter. You can walk into a building in the United States that at somewhere on the first floor, it said bomb shelter. My high school was built originally to be a bomb shelter. There you go. It was built into the side of a mountain, into the side of a hill, and it had no windows.

My high school had no windows. Shout out to any Maccateer alumni in San Francisco. It was built originally and the guy who built it built insane asylums. Like he was the guy that was like, here's what you do. You make everything inside a maze so they can never find their way out. And that was my high school. It was insane. And it was a bomb shelter.

And then they were like, this fear of bombs is a little crazy. Let's just make it into a school. And that's how we ended up going there. My first experience with Russians were in 85 in San Francisco. Yeah, we were there. That was my first. Was it a good experience? One of the Cuban refugees I ran with.

Got either drugs from them or credit cards or something. And then I got to meet them. I'll never forget that's what we call. I didn't know their names. Are you first in Russian? Are you first generation here? No, I was born. I was born in the Soviet Union.

Oh, you were? Yeah. Yeah, it's just a real deal. Because I think I'm third or maybe even fourth generation Russian and something else right next to that. So I don't have any Russian pride. Like I don't have any culture from that. Like even when I see it in movies, it never bothers me.

Like I don't know. It's not like. Right, right. No, it's definitely different. Now, where do Russian Jews come from? Russia or Israel? The Israeli Jews that moved to Russia. Other way around usually.

Well, they were scattered. So Russians were scattered. I'm sorry. Jews were scattered everywhere. So you got Jews in Mexico City. You got Jews in Spain. You got Jews that went to Russia, Cuba. You got Jews that went to Israel.

But even before the Canadian immigration, before the States and Canada. So I'm talking like, you know, 100 years ago, let's say. Russians, I keep saying Russians. Jews went to be five or six different places. One of them was the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union said, we'll take you in. But here's here are the rules.

Everybody wears gray and we all get paid the same. You'll have a place to live and you'll have some food. We can't guarantee what you'll have. But just get in line and wait and you'll eat. And there will be clothes. But again, they're all going to look the same. And it was like Star Trek in the sense of like, everyone's outfits are just going to be the same.

No differentiate. You know, just get used to it. And so a lot of Jews went there when they got displaced. Well, but then they like the Stalin and then like in World War Two, they think that's what that's when I was saying they left. Like they were like the same sort of not to the level of Hitler, but like they were killing and getting and rounding up the Jews and stuff. Like not letting them.

Jews are always getting rounded up. I mean, look, we're in North Hollywood. I'm sure there's some Jews getting rounded up right now. As we speak. Right now. I mean, there's no joke. It's always happening. It's like just like bored one night.

Just like, let's go round up some Jews. Spucked up. It is. That's why I think, you know, Jewish people and Black people should get along better. How long do you mean you came from Russia? Two. Okay. So you don't remember the dick like me?

No. I don't remember the dick. No, no. But I have been back and there's a feeling of like when I go back, I see people my age and I look at them and I go, maybe that would have been a friend of mine. Maybe I'd be working in that building with them. Like I wonder what my life would have been like.

I do not think I would have been a stand up comic. There's no way. First of all, it didn't exist. It didn't exist. No. No. Even Yaakov Smirnoff talks about how what he did wasn't comedy. He kind of made up what he thought was stand up comedy,

but really he was like an emcee for live events and a host for live events. In Russia. Yeah. Because it didn't exist. There was no such thing. It was just, I mean, even still to this day, they have quote, comedy clubs. And it's really like, like what the groundlings is here. You know, they do like sketches.

Comedy is very new to, to Russian. Sorry, not Soviet, not Soviets anymore. It's very new, very new. And by the way, San Francisco, I probably will not go back to perform there in a while. Why? I did a show a couple of years ago. Whenever I advertise, I'm going to be in San Francisco. The entire Russian community comes out, which you would think would be a good thing.

And yes, it is. The support is fantastic. But I went specifically to record a CD. I wanted to put out a CD. This was like three years ago, right? When CDs were still relevant. They're not anymore, by the way, if anyone's wondering. And I go up there, I set up the microphones.

I get equipment. My husband helps me. We get a venue. I do the whole thing. I get an opener, a fit feature act. Make sure everything's right. The lights, everything, right? These fucking Russians sitting right next to the mics.

I mic the audience, right? So you can get the laughs are talking the entire time, are heckling me in Russian. Not in a bad way. They think they're helping, are yelling out suggestions, talking about how we took piano together. Do you remember in Russian yelling shut out in Russian? They're getting drunk. Fuck the Russians.

Never again. I can't perform in San Francisco. I think you should absolutely put that out. I would totally for 99 cents. I would totally. Oh, my God. Well, that's why I said to you, I can't go the closer I go to my hometown. Right.

Yeah. It's not going to work. It's not going to work. How do I know it's not going to work? I did one eight years ago. And while I'm up to that day yelling, tell them about when you robbed this guy's house. Yes. Really?

Or the ones that are sitting in front because they're they're still stuck in the, you know, USSR and they have their arms crossed and they don't want to fucking laugh because for 30 years they had a waiting line for salami and they had to wear shoes that were three sizes too small because fucking communist. That's why people are like so and so as a socialist or so. And this politician is really a communist. Fuck you. You don't even know what communism is.

It's wearing shoes that are three sizes too small. All right. That's what being a socialist is. It's not fucking I want to help this chick have an abortion. You socialist. You know what I mean? Why should my money go to her abortion? Because then her kid won't grow up and, you know, car jack you in 20 years.

All right. Fuck her. So let her have an abortion so you can keep your Mazda. But people think they know what socialist is and what communist is. They have no idea. They have no idea. You know what it is. I know what it is.

Listen, I don't know. I can't say. You know, I have heard. You've heard. I've heard. Your family has told you. Well, I had the same situation with you and my cousins and musicians. And they came to Burbank to record.

They drove by the improv and saw my name. Went in and told Rita who they were and Rita called me. And that's how I met my cousins. And I went down and they came to the show. Then we went to the cantors. Yeah. And I was told the story before while we're at Canada. We're talking.

And also they started harmonizing, stay away to heaven. And I could feel the goosebumps. Like I also, I wanted to cry in front of them, but I couldn't. And they were telling me how they had an album and they had to listen to it with a lookout that, you know, they passed it and they had to bury it. Yeah. And hide it, you know, and then you sit there and you think, how lucky you are that you've given away albums.

Right. And these people would have taken any of these albums, any of these albums. They didn't care what band. Just one of them. Just to hear music. Yeah. And just the American way, you know, you're Russian. You grew, you were born there, but you were raised in a Russian high.

And I say it all the time that the transition is amazing. And how, like for me, I had to eat hot dogs to become an American. When I was five, I felt that the more American food I ate, like my daughter, my daughter's three and there's always drama at the time. She likes spaghetti, hot dogs and french fries and ketchup. She'll put ketchup on fucking cereal if I let it. You understand me on chocolate milk? At those ages, I was eating.

My mom and I had a great relationship. I was eating whatever, Cuban tongue. Yeah. Oh, we had tongue. You're sick. When I went and got Americanized and I would go home and she'd go, black beans and rice and the steak. Fuck you.

I want SpaghettiOs, you know, because it made me feel like an American. That was my comfort food to make me become, people have no idea. People have no idea. I tell people at a time how lucky you are, the advantages you have. I've never felt racism. I could sit here and tell you a bunch of stories. I'm very fortunate. I got into movies.

You know, I didn't get into Montreal, but I got into movies. Right. You know, so you take, you pick your fucking battles. And I've been very fortunate, you know, but I see how people don't respect what it is to be an American. Like, like we fight hard. You don't know what it's like to go into a grammar school in the 70s and not speaking the language and fucking faking the funk.

Because as soon as you open your mouth, you know, they're going to know you're not like that. Well, I was a refugee. So all this like refugees and all this, what people think about refugees nowadays, and yes, maybe they're different. We were refugees until I was eight. We weren't citizens until I turned either eight, probably eight, eight or nine. So my parents would tell me, don't, don't get in trouble. Okay, they're going to, they're going to kick us out of this country.

If you fuck around and have us come down to the principal's office, we're out because they associated, I even tried to do a bit about this. I used to a long time ago, but like they associated public school because I went to a public elementary school with the government, which it is. You mind? No, with the government. Your fans know what that sound is. Like they know.

They know. I like, I love how it comes in a pillbox too. How tremendous. I love that. Listen, if you're going to fucking play the game, you're already. Look, I wish you well with your glaucoma. So if I got in trouble and the principal wanted my parents to come down to his office, they were like, you're going to get us kicked out of this country.

We're out. You understand? We're not citizens. Don't fuck around. So I had to, I had to watch myself. Then we, then I turned eight and we're like, all right, I'm a fucking citizen now. So I can do whatever I want now. Like all of a sudden I got like a big head.

I was walking around like, look at me, like ripping up my green car. Like I'm done. You know, I was like, all right, here we go. This is it. I'm American now. That's, that's the moment that I felt I was an American. See, I was told a different story. I was told that if I didn't get good grades, they'd kick me out

because they didn't need me. And I was told they're going to kick us out of the country. Now my parents told me now they're going to, they're going to fuck in. If you don't get A's and B's, if you get C's, they'll fucking throw you out. Yeah. So I was like, I don't want to get A's and C's. You look a little light tonight. Oh, good.

Sure. Just 600. Well, kind of what I was saying earlier where, where since I'm third generation Russian, I don't feel like a connection to Russia. It's not that I don't feel American, but I grew up in like East Coast, like, like right outside of Boston. There's American pride, but it's not like I was talking to someone today in England. And when you see like a UFC and there's like a foreign fighter, their fans go bananas.

But when it's an American guy, occasionally like Cowboys, Aroni, or, or Roy Nelson, but most American fighters don't, it's not like, it's not like Go America. So it's, it's something weird. Like it's, it's kind of funny how two immigrants are the most patriotic ones. Right. It's interesting. I, you know, in my world, I don't know. I'm proud to be a Cuban, but I'm also proud to be an American.

Like I'm proud that I ended up becoming an American. I pay taxes. I'm a, I'm a. Why'd you laugh at that? It's just God damn it. That means I get to call myself an American. Well, you know what, it's part of trying to be a productive member of society for fucking 35, 40 years.

I was an unproductive member of society. I was trying. And for the first time at the age of 50, I became a productive member of society. Do you know what I'm saying? So that's a part of being an American is, you know, all those little things. Yeah, I got felonies. So what? That's part of being an American.

I'm the second chance bitch. You know, all these things you can't throw at me because that's the American way. You were a Russian refugees. God knows what your dad was about to go through or your mom. Yeah. You know, and all of a sudden you came here. What's that called? A second fucking chance.

Right, right. So you can't judge me on any of those things. We all make fucking mistakes no matter what the fuck you do. You know, it's not like I was out there falling out of trees giving out Cosby pills. Like I said, do some fucking young women, you know what I'm saying? I wonder if there's an edible called Cosby pills. That's a great idea. Yeah, yeah, that's a good one.

It should be, right? Cosby pills. He would go nuts. He would go. But you spell it with a Z or the K-O-Z. Oh my, and the picture with Chick just passed out. It's edible. So you just, what did you just have a little star?

I had, that was my third star for this evening. But what, so I know nothing. I'm a complete novice. We opened up with 600 milligrams. Four stars. Oh, okay. So you know. 400?

No, no, no, yeah. 600. So you know, but the milligram, you know how long that'll take you. Like what, what it'll, what kind of, I don't know. I know zero. No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't know nothing. I'm square.

No, no, no. When you eat one of these things. Yeah. You don't know nothing. Oh, I see. You don't know what it's going to, you don't know what it's going to show up. You don't know. It's, you don't know nothing.

Okay. It's like that, it's like that hooker with herpes. You know what I'm saying? Right. You don't know when she's going to show up. Fingers crossed. Yeah, you never know when she's going to show up. So how do you time your rest of your life?

It's eight o'clock. I got nothing else to do. I'm here with you and then I go home and go to sleep with my family. Okay. On Monday, we did a podcast and he left and I was doing, I was putting the podcast up and I just woke up at 1 30 in the morning. I just, I just, I was leaving. I was telling him a story and he was like this.

It's not even worth telling you a fucking story. And I went home and on all the nights, I was pretty high too. So I went home, tried to watch television and I was like, I can't deal with this. And I felt like I went right to sleep and I got up the next morning. He's telling me a story how he got up at 1 30 in the morning. His girlfriend kept paging him, texting him and asking him where the fuck he was. I love that shit. When I fall asleep on the couch, when I'm seeing double, I know I'm there.

You know, like sometimes you see double on these. You do see like, it crosses little, it's tremendous, but you're in a safe environment. So what do you think it is? I'm always curious about this when people like myself, for example, when you explain that to me, the whole, it's, it's tremendous. You see double and you're having a great time. To me, I get such major anxiety, the way that you get anxiety,

getting a massage or someone standing behind you. I hate you. So imagine, that's how I feel. Like when you tell me that, I start to sweat. Like, oh my God, that does not sound great to me at all. And I've gotten high before. I've never had edible. Never had an edible.

Don't get me wrong. If I know I didn't have to go to the massage thing, I would have been in there getting my pipe sucked. But I just don't want to go in there and go, listen, no massage. Just sucky. Don't touch nothing. Sucky sucky too bucky. Yeah, don't fuck.

I'm just an adult. Like I have no concept of those things. Like how nice it is to be a massage. To get a finger up your ass. I'm always thinking about the negative when I'm looking down. So fuck that shit. Sorry to bring it up. Just thinking about it.

My paranoia is kicking in now. You talked about anxiety. These things get you anxiety too. Like I feel like it have a negative effect on me. I feel like it brings out whatever maybe you don't want to come out. The only anxiety I get on these is when I get shortness of breath, because I do something too quick. And the shortness of breath shoots right to my mind.

The cortisol shoots out and I break out into a sweat in my body, but then I get it together. I just breathe through my nose and not my mouth. It all evens out. I put some in my stomach too. Sometimes when you start getting the anxiety from the reefer, you eat a little something. Oh, okay.

Okay. Kind of absorbs it. Piece of bread with butter. Something fatty. Nothing. You know, you're the chocolate chip cookie. You're adding fucking gasoline to the fire. Right, right, right.

It's just sugar too. Anxiety there with somewhere along the line. They meet and it gets more intense. Oh, Jesus. One thing I got really high. My wife bought Oreos. Everybody in this room loves fucking Oreos. Who doesn't like Oreos?

But again, I'm a fat fuck. You cut yourself a deal. You're going, you know what? I could eat the whole box or I eat seven. So I ate all seven of them and I stopped. Oh, you did? Oh, yeah. I'm really good like that.

I make a deal. There's 92 of them. I want seven. And you did it. And I did it. I could never do that. But between the sugar and the edible. Yeah.

They met somewhere and they sent me into this fucking pre-diabetic shot. I didn't even have diabetes. I had to go to bed. I passed out. Like I passed. I woke up at four thirsty with fucking chocolate in my mouth and shit.

I don't know. I think there's something inside of me that doesn't want to be out of control. There's something. I don't know. I don't know if people. I'm going to tell you something. Okay.

Tell me. A friend of mine said to me, I noticed some stuff about you. Take these things. I brought them home. They're tremendous. They're baby little values. They're for anxiety.

Before I go home, I don't want no drama. Sometimes I pop a half of one. They're great. They build the resistance quick. I'm very happy. I go to jiu-jitsu and train because I sweat a lot with the gi. You sweat extra so that pill doesn't get to sit in your fat. Yeah.

You're just a regular fat guy. Those pills, half of those pills sit in your fat. Right. So sometimes you might get tired in the afternoon. You might smoke a half a number and get tired. It's because the reefer kicked off those fucking pills. So what I try to do is I try to eat those pills maybe like tonight.

If I had to leave early tomorrow, I'd be popping two of those pills tonight. But I'm going to tell you something. And this is what America doesn't know. In America, I might think I'm lying to you. I sleep a lot better on these fucking stars than what I do on those pills. I mean, a deep sleep, a deep, deep sleep that you get up at five or you pee. Your pee's a little purple.

It has a weird stink to it. But you get a handful of fucking water and you go right back to bed and you wake up and nothing soar. Wow. Well, sometimes those pills, what I didn't like about medical pills was the hangover in the morning. Yeah. I don't know how people wake up after they pop two pills.

I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people, me, I'm a fucking, I don't know what you call that. It is a pseudo control freak. I don't ever want to wake up and lose control. Yeah. I always want to be awake ready to go. Yeah. I had friends that would sit down, drink a pot of coffee, and

we got a smoke a pack of cigarettes. I mean, it was nine fucking o'clock. Do you know how many motherfuckers you could have mugged from seven, 30 to nine and you're sitting there smoking fucking cigarettes? People walking into their offices. We're going to walk in there at nine. They show an hour to get kicked up, get your paperwork, the computer. You know what I'm saying?

Like I never understood those people that just sat there in the audience. I have a system. I get up, I fucking drink some coffee. I talked to my wife for a little while. I watched my pussy. I get on the computer. I tweet, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, the baby. I sit with her.

We watch cartoons. I feed, I make our chocolate milk. You know, I can't imagine just laying in bed and rubbing your feet and thinking about your life and where it's gone. Fuck you. You got to get up and go, motherfucker. Yeah. And you know, I read about people with pills that are on pill problems.

And I wish they could, and people always go with Joey, you make it sound so easy. Yeah, you, I don't care where you live. I don't care if you live in Tennessee and they got laws against weed. There's nothing against the law against you going home, cooking that weed up, melting with butter, taking the butter out and putting it in brownies. And putting a tray of brownies, putting it in the freezer, cutting it into little fucking halves.

People do it all the fucking time out here and you eat one before you go to yoga or before you fucking go to sleep and you sleep like a goddamn baby. Or after you work out, it takes the acid out of your muscles. Really? Yeah. A lot of people with none of that shit. No, well, I did not, Dr. Joey. Who the fuck you thinking dealing with, Joey Bananas?

The reason we're on the show, I really wanted to get on the show was, like I said, they'd had a discussion about women in comedy and, you know, we could sit here for a fucking thousand nights and talk about women who sit there and complain about the set list at the improv and whatever. And then you can talk about the women that go out every night and do four fucking spots. Yeah. There's always a spot. There's flappers.

There's the ha ha. Actually, flappers is what I was talking about. There's a gas station up the fucking corner. There's a pizza place. You can even do two sets at shitty places just to get your timing and the words for your joke. I have written some of my favorite punch lines at shitty rooms. Because there's nobody there. Because there's nobody there.

Do you remember the stove piper? Stove piper? Break it down to me. It's deep in the valley. It's kind of like between here and Northridge. And it was a bar you walked in. It was red. All the lights were red.

You just walked into like a furnace. And it wasn't a terrible room, but it was just like, you know, it was just like a kind of a little bit of a fucked up room, you know, people in the back, all the comics are talking, the people at the bar, a lot of distractions. But there were some regulars that were there for for the comedy show. And it wasn't the worst, but it definitely had some faults. But I wrote two or three of my favorite punch lines at the stove piper, just this crappy little room on a Thursday night, deep in the valley.

You don't have to do it on a Saturday at the Laugh Factory in front of industry. That's actually when I don't. I don't feel like I can even really be vulnerable at the Laugh Factory on a Saturday. I just want to go in and I just want to kill. I want to do a great job. But that's the shitty rooms for the ones where it's like 10 people. And I actually find out, oh, this is what the joke is. Oh, OK, I figured it out here.

Let me now go take it and put it on a, you know, a stage on a Saturday in front of people that are paid 20 bucks to get in. It's so weird how I do not like comedy and LA for people six years from them during comedy. I do not like it. Why not? Tell me. Because it's like my youth. It's like Michael Jackson's youth.

You, when I was a kid, when I was 10, I really knew shit. The kid 16 didn't fucking know. You know, when I was, when Michael, Michael Jackson's big, you know, claim to fame was that he didn't have a childhood. Yeah. And I got it. You know, you see that he saw behind the record label. He saw how they treated him and years later, the effect on I understand.

What was the topic? People who have been doing stand up less than six years. Six years. Some of my best times in my fucking life. It was my comedy career, zero to six years. If we didn't have to make money doing this, how much fun would comedy really be? If I told you, I'm going to give you a job. You're going to make a buck and a quarter a year.

And we're going to be raises every year. But I want you as part of this job. You have to go out every night, four nights a week and do 10 minutes a mile from your house. Yeah. How fun would your life be at night? A bar, people laughing. No money. You don't care about how many people show up.

Right. You don't worry about your managers. Who's the agent. You have a day job. You have a day job. You're doing this as a form of honey. I don't go to the gym. I don't go to yoga.

You know, I cook. I just want to go out. I'll be home by 10 30 because that's all it really is. You're home by 10 30 in those days. You sign up at the list of eight. I got to be honest with you as a human being. I remember like going to summer camp, the basketball camp or finger banging, whatever, behind McKinley school when she had a chili Catholic suit on.

Let me tell you something. When you finger bang a girl and she's got a Catholic school school suit on, you've arrived as a man. Oh, I've done it as a woman. You didn't even finger a chick. You finger the chick with a Catholic school suit on. You follow? I mean, there's different things that you remember in your life.

And I got to tell you something. The first years, first six years of my comedy was so hard. And so outlandish that I cherish those first years with fucking everything. And I can't believe how many little things turned into big things. I remember getting to fucking Detroit with a box, like with two inches of quarters, dimes and nickels. And getting there and realizing there's no show on Wednesday night. So what did you do?

I got a joint. The box was a change. What was the change for? Just when you go into a gas station and you give them a 20 and they give you $18 and 82 cents, you get the change. Oh, I see. I see. Just a box of change.

Yeah. Well, you know, I actually had a very interesting conversation. I'm not going to tell you who it is because I don't want to make him feel bad. But a guy who is in the industry and decided to do stand up had me on his podcast. And so I'm a guest on his podcast. And within the first few minutes, I might have already told you this story. I can't remember. Maybe do you have a good memory?

No, I'm like very high. I don't remember though. I don't remember you saying he basically said, you know, you got into comedy like a lot of chicks do to get, you know, to bang basically just to get fucked, right? Just to like go have sex on the road. And I said, no, no, that's not why. Do you remember this story at all? No, no, no, I don't think you said it.

That's definitely not what women do on the road. Maybe 1% of female comics. But no, I mean, I understand a lot of guys do get into stand up or did whatever like musicians just to get pussy. I get it. I get it. But that's not what women do. Do you know how dangerous it is to pick up a guy after your show and take him back to your hotel room?

That's the scariest idea in the world to most female comics. Not all. I'm sure there are women that do it, but that's really fucked up. And he just kept pushing and pushing and goes, come on, you sleep around. When you were single, you fucked people on the road. No, I didn't. First of all, when you're a woman on stage and you have opinions and you're commanding an audience full of strangers and making them laugh, no dudes dick is hard.

That is not how to get a guy's dick hard. I mean, most guides are like, oh, I don't want to fuck with that. That's a chick who has like a mouth on her. You know, most guys, again, there are exceptions, but he fought me on this and he just kept telling me and kept telling me and kept telling me I was wrong in something that I've been doing for 17 years. Okay, all right. I guess you know better, but that's just one aspect of being a woman in comedy is

it's not the same on that level for us in the sense of like hooking up and, you know, taking some guy back to your hotel room. I mean, it's the scariest thing that can kill you. I mean, that's, you know, Louis C.K.'s bit, you know, his bit is that women have to fear, you know, you know who kills women the most? Men. That's who killed that. I'm fucking his joke up.

I'm totally butchering it. But the essence of his joke is, you know who they should be scared of? Us. We kill women more than anything else, more than heart disease, more than diabetes. It's men. And that's so true. It's so true. I don't like, listen, I have my problems with fucking women.

We all do. You know what I'm saying? Women have problems with guys. Women all do. There's some issues, whatever you go, Jesus fucking Christ. The last couple of fucking years, it's been up more than ever women in comedy. One guy said and got fired. This guy, this guy, Jerry Lewis.

I never even thought about it. Like I was always like, you know what? I know what I went through as a comic and I know what women go through. The reason you're fucking friend is ignorant. The guy that had that podcast because any fucking comic knows. If a chick sucked dick for that many years, she'll never make it to 17, 18 years. Those chicks disappear. Yeah.

I seen those chicks come and go. They're hot. They're funny in the beginning. They hook up with a comedian. He writes that it's an ugly cycle. And you see him years later and now they're writing, but who the fuck? You know what fucking happened. Okay.

You just couldn't fucking cut it because you depended on somebody else. And then there's a very small percent where you fall in. Women that get into comedy and life happens. Life happens, but they stay true to being a comic. Yeah. And they never lose focus and they don't use having the kid as an excuse or, you know, and I get it. Listen, man, I see it.

My wife was the best. Oh, I'm going to work full time and I kept looking at it. I go, okay. And then after two weeks, she went to 30 weeks, 30 hours. Then after another week, she went to 20 hours and somebody got a raise and she was like, I've been working here for 10 years. I'm quitting my job. Yeah.

And the bottom line was that little baby. Yeah. What the fuck wants to leave their fucking kids seven 30 and fuck you. I was like, quit that fucking job. Be a mom. You're 46. I'm like, what is this going to happen again? Yeah.

Not my fucking lifetime. Not my fucking lifetime. You're going to spend another kid out of 40 fucking nine or something. So, you know, I'm Spanish. That's promising to be good in the casket. You know how some people leave their eyes to society and their ears and shit. I'm going to leave my fucking nutsack and you got 24 hours. And I guarantee there's 18 fucking kids swimming around my nutsack.

I'm Spanish dog. I'm fucking Spanish. That shit last in there. Theo von dad had him when he was 72. That's right. And fucking, you know, and then when he told me he's have Spanish. I go, ah, there's a girl. I know how far this banging somebody in Puerto Rico.

Knocked her up twice in the seventies. That's Spanish sperm. They eat those fucking beans. That black beans and that rice. Those beans still I'm telling you, I got it on my ID. Fuck. I'm keeping the eyes. Take the nutsack.

That's your best bet. There's 18 kids in there right now. You know, my husband's Puerto Rican. Is he really? No shit. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah.

You're going to be knocked up to your 90. Oh God, no. I had my, uh, my, my kid. It was now five at the time he was, uh, three and a half. When I found out I was pregnant with the second one. I peed on one of those sticks, you know. And then I had my, my kid. I go here, give this to daddy when he walks in the door when he comes home.

We, we, we are talking about having another kid. So it wasn't that big of a surprise, but, um, he walks away. He goes, daddy, I have something for you. And he hands my husband a little stick that you peed on. And he looks down on it. He looks at me and he goes, I'm getting snipped. Because it just, no, he hasn't. I don't want him to.

Not because I want more kids, but that just seems extreme. That's like cutting that cat's nails. That's just extreme. Can you imagine jerking off a note? It's like jerking off skim milk. It just comes out of your dick and little shovels. It just, yeah. No, but I think cause he's like, I'm Puerto Rican.

You know, this is what we're made to do. That's what you're made to do. We're made to have babies. And I go, just relax. We planned this. We tried for another one. We were having sex for years before we had our first kid. We'll be fine.

Don't worry. How'd you meet a Puerto Rican husband? Here in LA. I thought you had like an Armenian tucked away and you smacked around. Oh God, no, no, no, no. You were a strong woman. I can't see you with a Spanish guy. Very good for you.

You grew up here in LA. So, you know. You're the real fucking deal, aren't you? Yeah, no. You guys go to that Puerto Rican restaurant? Lancashire? Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, red beans. Okay, red beans. Okay. We got for Easter. Mofongo. Mofongo. We went there for Easter. And they got, they got a Coco Rico.

Well, you know what my husband likes? I'm not a fan of them. They are the Puerto Rican tamales. Me neither. They're fucking this. They're disgusting. And they look fucked up. I love a Mexican tamale.

And they put them in a fucking leaf. Yeah. It smells like an asshole. It smells bad. What are they called again? Yes. Yes. Yes.

No disrespect to Puerto Ricans. You know, I love you. I love Mofongo. Mofongo. I love Chuleta. Anybody knows a good Puerto Rican knows how to make a pork chop. That's how you tell, listen, my wife, like I said, they don't matter. A good Puerto Rican husband make pork chops.

He can cook anything. Okay. He can cook. Has he ever made pork chops? Yeah. Tomorrow I just bring him pork chops and watch. And watch. That's their blood.

Do you know what he does? Do you know what he does? Like a fucking boss is, oh my God. I'm so embarrassed. I just forgot. It's the ham with the skin that's all crackly and crispy on top. I know what you're talking about. Oh, fuck.

This is going to kill me. It's this fucking contact high you guys gave me. I'm usually much sharper than this. Which I search like Puerto Rican ham. Please, please, please. It starts with a B or something or an R. Oh, oh, shit. You drink Mavi.

Whatever. Does he ever give you Mavi or Canepas? No, I don't know what that is. No, no. Mavi sounds familiar. Mavi is a T. Oh, is it El Boricua? Boricua?

Boricua, what is that? Boricua. Boricua is a Puerto Rican. It's Puerto Rican. No, it's L. B-O-R-I-C-U-E. Yeah, that's El Boricua. That means the blog is by someone who's Puerto Rican.

Oh, OK. Don't worry about it. We'll get the name of it. But they have a thing called Mavi as a T. And when they sell it in New York, it's already got a hole on the top because you have to let it air to marinate. OK.

It's a very good T. It's made from an herb. But Puerto Rico is known for it. What Puerto Rico is known for is this thing called Mamoncillo. The Cubans call it Mamoncillo. Mamoncillo, what is that? They call it Canepas. Oh, my God.

Put in K-E-N-E-P-A-S and see what comes up. Canepas. Canepas are called Mamoncillo. They grow when they come. And they come full grown in August in Puerto Rico. So by September, mid-September, you get them in the Bronx. Yeah.

And then there are these little fucking things. The trees grow. And then these little fucking, oh, shit. There is little fucking trees that grow these grape-looking things, that these little grape-looking things. Canepas from Puerto Rico, YouTube, there you go. Oh, my God. And you buy and buy those little things

from the green right there. Oh, shit, right there. Because I'm about to use two of them in my smoothie. Have you been to Puerto Rico? Have you been to Puerto Rico? Thousand times. Thousand times. Until 1980s.

And I haven't been back. Really? But Muquillo, that beast Luquillo. Yeah. We used to go to Dorado Beats. One thing about Puerto Rico, do you go back now? I have never been. He's been.

He's been. I want to go so badly. Puerto Rico right now, Puerto Rico right now is kind of scary. Is it? Yeah, they have a lot of problems there. It's poverty. They have a, go back.

Let's see if they show the inside of it. You cut that skin off with your mouth. Yeah. So you pull it off the fucking branch. You stick it in your mouth and you cut it. You learn how to cut it with your teeth. Right, you peel it? You spit the shell out.

Okay. And you just put that ball in the side of your mouth and it's got hair on it. It's like a sweet fucking juice that comes out of it. What happened was after 9-11, they fucking stopped letting people bring them in like you could, there you go. Oh, shit.

It looks like a fucking clit that thing. Look at it. It's nice and soft and gooey like a motherfucker least I had. Look at that motherfucker. Ooh. And so they're sweet. Very sweet.

And you just suck it until the hair is all gone. It's just to see you. You think I'm fucking kidding you? Who the fuck you think you're dealing with here? If you can't eat a mom and see you, you're definitely not going to eat nobody's pussy. You following me? That's just the perfect rule.

Oh, my God. Suck it until the hair is all gone. He can cook. I'll tell you right now. He can, it's amazing. You need to check that. Yeah, he's that. That's one thing that I'm so grateful I don't have to do.

Those are some wifey duties I don't have to do. Because he even tells me, he goes, I go, let me make you some eggs, or let me make you something. He goes, please, let me just do it. Like he doesn't even want me to. I'm not terrible, but it doesn't compare to what he can do. Like even eggs he makes.

And he puts butter in it. He puts spices in eggs. And eggs. He makes scrambled eggs. Any kind, anything, whatever. But he uses like Spanish people dope up food. Nobody else dopes up food. You got to dope food up.

You got to dope it up. You just can't put, listen, yeah, you could put salt and pepper on a steak. That's great. But you want to make a little better throw some garlic pot on that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Let me give some shout outs real quick.

John, Algemy, Jeff, Taliban, nasty doctor, Lisa Willis, Clark Canfield, Timmy The Turtle, Let's Talk Fights, and Crystal fucking Johnson. A little shout out to you fucking savages, getting your shit together. Lisa Yat eating 725 tonight. So what are you doing this week?

You're going to visit your aunt in San Francisco. She's died. You're not going up there. What happened? You sent flowers? Yeah. Yeah. The funeral.

You sent flowers? No, my dad was there. What happened? What happened? So your dad was there. We didn't send flowers. No, because I'm going on Sunday. You are going?

Yeah. Well, not to San Francisco. I'm going to the thing on the beach somewhere. Because it was today at 2. So I can go. And you're taking your girl from with you? Yeah, she's going to go. She's got a lot of respect.

And it's actually, it's very nice that you're here tonight because you wrote, you're very similar to her. Like she was my aunt. So she was. This is your dad's sister? No, a dad's, I guess maybe she was a cousin. She's dad's, she's my dad's cousin's. Yeah, she's my dad's cousin.

But she's basically my aunt. Well, you know, in Russian, the word for cousin is the same as the word for sister. Okay. So it's considered, even if it's your dad's cousin, it's like his sister. Yeah. And no, but it's, I'm going to do that.

And but she, it was, she was a great lady, but it's not, it's, it's good. It was, she wasn't paying. So, but anyways, I'm having a good weekend other than that. I'm fucking Indianapolis this weekend. Tickets are selling fast. Don't fuck around. The stars are already landed.

I got the call at 3.30 today that the stars of debt were already in Indianapolis ready for me to fucking eat when I get there in the hotel room. What are you looking forward to in Indianapolis? Like rest and relaxation. I got to do a lot of fucking writing for four fucking days. So I got to write a lot this week. I got to have something ready by Monday at least on paper.

What do you have to write? I got to write a pilot for somebody and they want to see it. And I got everything on already. I just have to write it according to the paperwork they gave me. So if I could do that, it's not something I'm selling or not. I'm just doing an exercise. So that's what I'm doing this weekend. I'm going to start tomorrow on the flight.

What do you think your pilot would be called? Start my dick and call me shorty. I was born in 1940. No, no, no, no, this isn't, this isn't even that type of pilot to be honest with you. Somebody just came to me and said, just give me an idea. I have an idea for this. What do you think?

Fill in the blanks to me. So I said, you know what? It's a muscle. I need to work anyway. What are you doing to play for four fucking hours? How many times can you watch concussion? How many times can you watch the first pilot in the first episode of Vinyl?

Right. You know, so how many times can I listen to the same? Oh, shit. Oh, it's plugging in. Don't let me fucking forget the iPod. How many times? So this is the same music on the iPod. So sometimes I get high and I get down the plane.

I go, you know what? Let me pull the computer out. I pull a notebook out. And if I could write for an hour and a half until I get impatient, it's not a bad move for Uncle Joey. You know what I'm saying? So, and it's just a good muscle to have that years ago. I never had, I had the ideas,

but now I know how to put them together. What do you think about people who do a new special every year and have to write and then they get rid of that material and have to write all brand new material? That's the game. Yeah. That's the game.

Right now I'm in hell. I'm doing half new and half old because I have to write a special. So you're trying to write a special. It's a fucking difficult job because here's the problem. Okay. So you write a special while you're writing a special. You're on the fucking road.

Yeah. Putting all the touches to it. Yeah. You come down and you go to the store and you go to this place and you go to that place. But let me tell you something. 50 minutes is 50 fucking minutes. You could write chunks.

You follow me? Yeah. You could write chunks of shit and put 20 minutes together, but to really flow it together, it's like a training camp. I feel for you to have a map. You know, I saw Chris Rock in the old days. I saw Chris Rock go out Thursday, Friday, Saturday, but Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, he would,

he would Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, he would get Richard Jenny, Louis C.K. and Nick DePaolo. And on Monday nights, they would start to laugh after a Latino night and Chris Rock would go in there and he'd do 15 minutes and then they'd get in their car and they'd rush to the improv. And then he'd do 15 minutes there

and Richard Jenny would give him notes. Oh, they're giving him notes. And then he would go to whatever the fuck it was. Now, do you think, okay, that's Chris Rock because he can get up anywhere in town. Right. He can go to any club. Can I just say the world?

Can I just say if he went into a club in London, they would let him on. And if he went into a club in Amsterdam, they would let him on probably, right? They might not believe it's him, but they would let him on. He can probably write a new hour in a year. Okay, but he would get, let's say,

he'd get $250,000 advance from whatever. He gets Kyra, Lee and me and he goes, $50,000 a piece and he's 15 minutes. I'm talking about don't hold back, Kyra. Giving you $10,000, $50,000. The next six weeks, you put your career on hold for me. Everything you write, Uncle Joey, is going to be what you, you know what I'm saying?

Like this is it. So that's a smart way. Yes, I know comics that do that. I get it, I get it. But so, okay, that makes sense then. I myself, I myself don't think a comic personally, myself and my world could have one year, a new hour. I don't either.

Unless I fucking go out three weeks a month and while I'm here, I'm out three or four nights doing 20 minute chunks. So I would do 15 minute chunks. What I would do is is break my 45 minutes into three minute chunks and go to Flappers Monday, Ha Ha Tuesday, Ba Ba Ba Wednesday. That's one idea.

You have to just turn into a machine. You have to turn into a machine. In the daytime, you have to write and you have to listen to that tape. Like one thing, I went to whatever last weekend, put the, I didn't, not once. Every night I go, tonight I'm going to tape this set. Not fucking once that I tape.

And it's such a bad habit. But it's, for me, it's even more painful to hear that fucking tape. Me too. It's painful to hear my voice. It's painful to hear my stupid jokes. It's painful. So now here's the other dilemma.

So now Joe Diaz and Kay and Felicia and Ligo out every night, four nights a week. You go on the road, do your material, Ba Ba Ba. You get an hour. Come November, you put your hour down. Guess what happens in December? You got to go out. What material are you doing?

You have no material. The same one from the fucking special. They saw the special and they saw you developing the fucking jokes. So now, what about those six months? You just developed those material. Those are your fans. They're going to, you're going to shoot your special

October. It comes out in fucking January. And here you are. They're going to go, and they're going to go, he did that material in Chicago. He did that material in fucking Cincinnati. So it's a really tough job, people, to put this together. A special right now is a tough job if you have help.

If you have somebody put makeup on you and picking your wardrobe. When I did my special, I did it like a Puerto Rican. That's why it didn't work out. We were talking at the beginning of the podcast of people. You learn from other people's mistakes. We talked about people who shoot their own pilots. I pitched CBS.

I pitched Fox. I pitched fucking NBC. And I pitched ABC and they didn't like my idea. Fuck them. My bro, I know people who have told me there's a 99. My family refinanced the house and we got 300k. We're going to shoot our own pilot. And them having a party, you know that place next to

coaching horses down the corner. It's like, if you have a premiere and you're a fucking, half a fucking yum and you have no dough, they let you do it there. They didn't, they had cocktails and bartenders. And I'll never forget going. And I went not as a judgmental person. I went just to see. When I went to that fucking thing and they showed that pilot.

Hey, it was fucking terrible. But then I watched the fucking white people who hung out afterward. And all the people that were lying to this couple. You know, she was about to sign with somebody's manager. And they already had a buyer for the pilot who knew the same guy who did. Darman, Greg, and you know, about three years ago, I am to be those people. That's the last thing they did. They packed up their bags and left with a $300,000 fucking hoe.

And how many people shot their own TV pilots? Cause nobody picked it up. We're going to sell it ourselves. At least 40. I just saw a chick on that fucking show with the Chinese people on ABC that shot her own pilot and came to me and asked me to shoot it. That she had a boyfriend that was at ABC and they were going to pick up the pilot. That girl was one of them and she used somebody else and they didn't pay him.

There was a problem. Yeah, those things were always a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Look, I just shot my own special and it's at least that's something that's going to air. But man, to do it all on your own, it's bananas. Are you going to go? What was so difficult about it? Well, because not only did I have to get investors, I had to crowdfund.

That was the last time I was here. I got, look, I better make some money on this thing. I got the Russian mob. They put money into it and they don't fuck around. So it's like, hi, it's hard. It's hard. It is hard, but that's different than a pilot. I made it stress free and that's why the special failed because I didn't put enough

pressure on myself because I knew the odds in the back of my mind were going to be tough. Whether I was going to sell it to Netflix, whatever the fuck I was going to sell it to. So I knew going in that I was working against tide. And when we brought it back and we put it together, I looked at the first five minutes, I go, shut up. I knew right off the bat. And I wanted to smack myself in the face. I lost the money, the investment myself, but some, you know, this is the big boy league.

Sometimes you got to take a beating to learn. He showed me something. You don't want to put out something that you're not proud of. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And you know what? I could have put it on pieces and made stories up for get it. Just leave it the fuck alone.

Just forget about it. It's not going to work out. What's up, dog? What's up? Beautiful. Look at you. You got the nice shoes on today. Little fucking Johnny Capizio.

I respect the fucking prince. Fuck you. Think you're dealing with Felicia. She went deep in the closet today. She said, I'm busting the fucking Capizio's out. You know what I'm saying? I have never seen Felicia not look on point. It's a scary fucking proposition.

Not once, not once. Well, yeah. But if we could combine the two of us to a superpower. You know, man, being a woman is a tough fucking job, you know. And all these women have beauty secrets and shit. And the beauty secret is water, sleep, and don't get fucking married. Stay beautiful for a long fucking time, okay? You know, no offense.

I know you're married, man. Oh, my wife is married. But you look at women, you don't know the fucking formula. And in Hollywood today, what's the formula to chop my face up to look like a fucking marshal to shoot something? Now you're in a room full of eight other martians looking at each other, sending each other space signals and shit. And at the end of the day, it's, you know, the fucking water, walking around, breathing,

and just being stressed fucking free as a woman. Look at the women, the women are the smoking crack. That's a stressful job. They lose their teeth. They got a bunch of fucking wrinkles. You know, the crack wrinkles are the hardest because nothing at Sephora helps with crack wrinkles. No, the reason why I...

And go to the Korean baths. Can we add that to the list? Please, please, can we add that to... You know that I'm an addict, right? What, you go? Oh, I go all the time. Jackie K. She won't go with me, but I know she goes behind my back. She'll tweet when she's at a Korean spa.

I'm here naked thinking of you. Really? Yeah, I tweet this. I tweet too. I go, hey, Jackie, I'm at a Korean spa naked thinking of you. I love it. I think it's... Can it be on your list, please?

I'll try. Okay, put it on your list that you just listed. Drink, water, walk around, breathe, Korean spa. And go to Korean fucking spa. Get a little massage, a little circulation to your legs and shit. Avoid the varicose veins. That's the whole fucking thing.

You know, it's tough to give a blow job when you got a varicose brain on your ass. You know what I'm saying? I mean, look, unless the varicose vein is something sexy, you know, mine... That's right, something you're in. Mine are not unfortunate. They look like traffic on the 405,

you know, and your map is all just red. My map is fucked up. I look at these kids and I'm like, fuck you guys, fuck my map. Now who sold the special to all these streaming sites here? Did you do this all yourself? Yeah, look at her. You got on the emails and blasted them and...

I had a manager who made two phone calls. Right, they're not going to do that. And he said, I got two nos and I go, okay, so what? I get nos all the time. And he goes, I don't know, I don't know if he can sell. I got two nos. It's probably can't sell. And they said a couple other things that were not very nice.

So... You got rid of them? I had to get rid of them and sell it myself. He probably couldn't even get his foot through the fucking door. I know, I know. He probably even look at the special. That's the hard thing that half of these guys... I had to do it myself.

I figured I'm already doing everything else to myself. I made the baby. Well, my husband's helped, but you know, I'm doing it all. I might as well just... I'm not saying it like in a martyr type of way. I'm just like, all right, let's just get this done. You know what I mean? It's just like, let's just get this done.

So I'll just do it. I applaud you for shooting it. Because just putting together a special. You shot it pregnant. You shot it go fund me. And not like all week pregnant. It was like... Yeah, no, you were really a fucking boss pregnant.

You know, your water color broke right there. That must have been stressful. It might as well have broken because I peed the entire time. I'm not joking. I'm not joking. I wish I was joking. The entire time I was pissing myself. Because when you're pregnant, you pit the pee every 20 minutes, right?

So what'd you do? You put a girdle on? No, I didn't put a girdle on. I pissed. I pissed. You got off the stage and pissed. No. You put the pens on.

No. Where'd you fucking piss? Just where I was standing. On stage. Well, yes, I had to. The show must go on, Joey. Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me when I'm watching this show.

Yes. Every 20 minutes, you're going to bend over and pee. No, I'm not going to bend over. I'm just telling jokes. Okay. When does the pee come out? Well, you got to look closely. Are you serious?

Look, when you have to pee and you're pregnant, it's just, it's, when you shoot a special for showtime, right? When I shot my showtime special, they gave me a 12 o'clock call time. You get in hair and makeup at 1230, get on stage at one, shoot your special and then go home. Right. When you're doing it yourself, I was there at 10 a.m.

Helping organize everything and the hang the lights and we had to create a whole stage. And I mean, we had to create a stage in this venue. And then I'm on at 8 p.m. So I'm running around. I'm drinking lots of water to stay hydrated. I forget to pee. Here I am on stage and my body's like, oh, now we can relax.

So watch the special. So if I'm watching the special, do I see a puddle in the front of your legs? I don't know. You have HD. I don't know what you're watching it on. You watch on your iPhone, maybe not. You got like a, you know, movie, movie theater in your house. Maybe I don't know.

I don't know what you're going to see. I'm just telling you that's the honest truth. I can only be honest. I actually met with my director today. We had lunch and I go, look, I'm going to tell people what honestly happened during the special. He goes, knock yourself out because he knows. I was peeing the whole time.

It follows on the stage. Where'd the fucking pee go? Kyra Soltanovic. Where'd the fucking pee go? I don't know. It was magic. It was magic. Did you have a dependent?

No. I don't even think I was wearing underwear. Why do you say this shit? Because it's just the truth. I don't want to lie. This is just the truth. Look, thankfully just black pants. A lot of people will want to like come on and say like,

everything worked out perfectly. No, it was fucked up. There was a baby in the front row. Someone brought a fucking baby to my special. A baby. And if you look closely again, you'll see the baby, the camera, front row. And this was Orange County.

So they were a very nice black couple with this very cute black baby with little pompom ponytails on the side of her face. She was adorable. But I can't very well tell the only black people to get to the back of the room. Bright Orange County. I can't say that. So there they are in my special. Baby's crying.

I mean, it was fucked up, but it still worked out. You shot it. It worked out. It worked out. You got it streaming, you know. It's going to be on Amazon. And God knows what could fucking happen in the next six months. If it ends up on Nescafe, whatever the fuck that is, Netflix.

It could go to Netflix in June or July. But it's just sometimes they don't happen perfectly. I can relate to you when you shot yours and you're like, what the fuck is going on? Oh, I know five people who shot specials and they're like, what happened? Yeah. You don't want to fucking know that I was too invested.

I'm not kidding. There is Russian mob money in this special. I have to pay it back. I like my fingers. So people better fucking watch. All right. So when does it premiere? Next Tuesday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, the second one time.

Midnight Sunday. I don't know how it works. That's a really good question. I don't know how these this is a whole new world. Right. Like I don't know when things premiere. I know like probably shows on Amazon. They just appear on my Amazon when they're supposed to be there.

They just appear. So maybe it's like Monday morning. I don't know what morning is. I don't know. But it'll be there. It'll be it'll be on video on demand. It'll be on dish network. Anywhere you get streaming content.

This is it's out. It's it's happening. Command those down. No manager, no agent, nobody behind you. No manager, no agent, no underwear. And a child with Puerto Rican husband at home. To Puerto Rican babies. I have contributed to the browning of society.

You're welcome, America. What's your skin tone like? Is it great? You know what? My son is looks more Latino than the the the new baby. I don't know who she is. I don't know what this new baby is all about. How old is she now?

She's eight months. Beautiful. Oh my god. I'm crazy about this kid. I'm crazy about her. I just I take her and I squeeze her way too tight. Way too tight. It's borderline like, all right, relax, relax.

I just I just I'm crazy about her. But they also, you know, they also cock block your careers. They do. It's okay. They give you a different career. That's what it is. They give you they give you a different career. You know, I had some moms over for a comedian's baby shower.

I wasn't going to do a baby shower for the second baby, right? Because we got all the shit, right? So we had some moms over. And there were a couple that never had kids. And you know them. They were angry. They were angry.

They were like, Mitzi told us never to have kids. So we listened to Mitzi. It's a different career. You know, you get a different career when you have them, right? Felicia, you can relate. To my world, it's been really fucking exciting for me. Like, I don't know what I do at this point without her. Like it's that fucking much like I'm it.

Yeah. Like I'm really, I don't really give a fuck about anything. Like she's it. But don't you feel like your drive changed? Because it's not just about you. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

When I leave the fucking house, now I got it done on me all fucking day. Like, no, you really got to. Yeah, it really did because I like what's going on. So I want this to continue. So yeah, the baby's happy. The wife is happy. So, you know, my five year old said to me, he goes, Mommy, can you try harder in your career so we can have a big backyard?

Jesus Christ. I was like, how many dick jokes do I have to tell to get this kid a backyard? You fucking work. We had this conversation at dinner that night that you work and this town sometimes has a weird way of rewarding people that really work in a weird way. You know, we have so many outlets now that people like you never lose. There are so many outlets going on for people right now. If you really want it, you don't lose.

Yeah. Right now, there's a kid in Indiana and Indiana saying, man, I love bad. I love comedy. You know what? I'm going to put a brick wall here and he's going to fucking put a fucking GoPro on the wall and he's going to tap into Periscope and every night. That's how Johnny, you know, you never fucking know. Right, right.

This kid's going to transmit all over the world from a fucking wall like this. Yeah. That cost you 35 fucking dollars, you know, a brick wall. That's how easy it is. You don't need anybody today. Nothing, nothing. There's an app on that fucking computer. You stay up tonight that you could pay per view on event.

You could pay per view on the fucking vent right now and start with zero and every week we go up there and go, you're missing life. Forty four ninety five and you'll get two and then you'll get four and then you'll get eight and it's forty four ninety five. That's what fights are. You know, HD forty four dollars. They don't know who the fight and eventually people start going on a Friday night and going, I'm not saying you could charge forty four hours.

Right. My point is if you had a fucking thing that came up to you, you know, there's got to be a search engine that you go people who stay home and smoke dope. You know, people have taken service that they enjoy staying home or smoking dope or people that watch a lot of YouTube videos or something. There's got to be something that you can measure people's computer by YouTube bits and get a message to them and say, Hey, there's a pay per view event tonight. Yeah.

Comedians from the ice house. Five dollars. How many fucking people? Comedy clubs are thinking about that right now going. Should we say something before somebody else says something? Yeah. Or fucking should we just wait for some fucking genius to go fuck going out the comedy clubs for eight dollars a month?

You could watch comedy fucking live every Friday night from your fucking house. But here's the issue, though. How would you deal with the new content? Because if you're doing it every week from on the internet, people can watch anywhere that eliminates touring. People are home. People are home. So what do you say?

Like you'll just be like it's the same act. What do you fucking know, Lee? What are you going to ask me stupid questions? Who gives a fuck? I'm just saying for fucking people for five hours on a Friday night from eight to fucking 10 live on your computer, on your Apple TV, you pay five dollars on PayPal. And boom, it comes up. You don't need to know who the fuck it is.

The more you tell them, the least you're going to get. That's what I'm saying. They don't need to know dick. Nothing. Stand up comedy for four comedians. Five fucking dollars. How long till you start selling two thousand dollars on Friday night at five fucking dollars? Because the word gets out.

You know what I'm saying? David, tell what are you doing Friday night? You're in LA anyway. You know what? You're going to garden the stages. You're going to garden the stages downstairs on fucking, please, the fucking tie place. The tie plays around the corner. It's disgusting.

You go downstairs. You get 14, 15 fucking, they didn't comedy that many years. Eleven o'clock. That kid, they even tape the fucking show. That kid that comes on at one o'clock and talks about music and bands. He comes on NBC. What the fuck is his name, Lee? Oh, Carson Daly.

Carson Daly used to go there on Friday nights and they would do comedy there and he'd tape it. All it sees is 40 people. Who gives a fuck? You think the people who garden the stage, people won't even know what the fuck you're doing. You don't even have to go in there with big cameras. You go in there with fucking, you get some genius to put a splitter together and get six or three grow pros right on Periscope. Right on fucking Periscope.

He was telling me that there's women on Periscope that show you their pussy for money. So that's already going on on fucking Periscope. Well, that was a matter of time. Comedy is fucking next. How do you charge people on Periscope? Lee, how do they do it on Periscope? You have to buy tickets or cookies or some shit. Right, you got to buy something weird.

They had a scam already. Right now, there's a fucking kid going, wait a second. I live in Sherman Oaks. You know what you should do? You know those campsites where the girls get naked? That's it. Same thing. Do comedy on there.

Do comedy on there because they already get coins. Just overtake it. There's people who sit at home and play video games and people pay them to watch them play fucking video games. They're rich kids, okay? Same thing. You just keep throwing people up in the room. Coming to the stage.

Flambam, thank you, ma'am. He goes up there, lights himself on fire. If you like the act, put money in the box. Just like Jerry Lewis in his fucking telethon. Same difference. That's a great idea. Do a telethon. Eventually, it's got to fucking happen.

Some slick ass is going to go, you know what? Yeah. I had an idea for a show. They gave it to Steve, whatever. Hostetler, he got the laughs. We're going to do our own fucking laughs at 11 o'clock at night on Saturday and go head to head from a cave in Hollywood.

And let's see who fucking shows up for five hours. There's a thousand caves in Hollywood. Thousands by Schrader. All those wild streets. There's thousands of rooms, guys. You don't know about. Yeah. What was that girl's name?

They used to do a Japanese restaurant on coins. You fucking giggle about over there. Remember? And it got big, too. Oh, eight years ago. That was a punch. Was it a Japanese restaurant? Yes.

It was an old mafia Japanese restaurant. They're not sushi. They're so sucky. And that's it, motherfucker. That's all you get. We don't have crackers here. I do remember. Do you remember?

All those little rooms there are still there. Like now Stout's there. And there's a bunch of 24 7s there. And they changed Houston's and all that shit. I remember there was a place right where... I think it was an Italian restaurant that was also like in the basement. That was...

Machellies. Was it Machellies? Machellies had comedy upstairs or downstairs on Sunday nights. Yes. And then on Ivar, that little theater on the corner, they had comedy on Saturday nights at 11. They paid 37.50 or some shit. You got to get your 37.50.

Machellies was packed every time I did it. Machellies was packed. Yeah. This is 10 years ago. Yeah. If not more. Mike used to host it. He was half retarded.

He was a boxer. You got to listen to that a couple of times. You got to be careful around them and shit. He was also a waiter. He's not there no more. Something happened. I don't know what the fuck happened. Now man, listen.

When I saw... You see every 90 days, you see somebody on Facebook or Twitter shooting, they're all motherfucking special. Yeah. They're fucking Netflix and those punk ass bitches. Yeah. And they shoot their own special.

And it's very seldom that you see a follow-up a year later saying it's edited cut. It's ready to view. So, especially in a world today where everybody's taking shots of fucking female comics and shit like that. Then I get enough spots and I'm doing nothing. It's true. You know, it's true.

So you just say, fuck this shit. No. I'm going to do my own special. I don't need an agent. I don't need to fucking manage it. I don't need none of these motherfuckers. So it's great to see you, man. So I...

Thank you. Police is going to shoot our next special now and shit. We're going to shoot it right in this motherfucker against the flag. Five dollar pay-per-view. Amen. 50 minutes is 50 minutes. I'm telling you guys,

this club owner's going, yeah, I don't know. But a club owner better jump on that racket before a civilian jumps on it and says, and there's comics that aren't working. Then I'll fucking do that shit. Oh, yeah. Those people who come on Steve Howlister's show,

I've never seen that one of those people. I know. Not one of those people have I seen at a club. And I'm sorry. I try to be hip. I don't think they pay the comics anything. No. Well, they took them to court and now they pay them.

Now they have to pay them like a one day shoot fee. Okay. I didn't want to pay them $20. The first season they paid the comics 20 bucks. They weren't paying them. They weren't paying them. They weren't paying them at all? No, I mean, I'm not going to say no at all

because I read the article years ago, but they were very low if they paid the money. Yeah. I think it was like 20 bucks. And the executive producer just said it's for it's to get scenes. It's exposure. Exposure.

Exposure. Yeah. I have, no. Well, somebody sued them and I don't know what they had to pay them after, but they got to give you at least. Comes on Fox 11 o'clock. That's mad TV money.

Yeah. So the same money mad TV paid. They got to give you a high. They have to give you something. You know, even there's no comic who you know. I'm surprised that more reality stars haven't sued or any real reality stars haven't sued like production companies.

Oh, the contracts they have are insane. Like the money that they've made off of them. Yeah. For the money that they give them, especially not like they have stars like Snooki, but like I'm talking about like C level cable channel reality shows. Right.

Well, they don't give them nothing. Yeah. And then they made it. It's crazy. What's the black people yelling at each other? All of it. One of those fucking shows. I see that all the time.

A bunch of black women from Atlanta yelling at each other. I don't even know what the fuck's going on. Oh, is it the housewives? One of them, the basketball wives. Oh, basketball wives. They got three or four of them or something. But that's even good. There's like terrible like all those channels that you go

through and you skip. They have reality TV and it's not good. It's like it's like if someone I've worked on some terrible dance moms, I don't know. I've never watched it. You know, I think when I started setting my own parameters, I felt a shift in my career. So maybe I didn't like say it out loud to a lot of people.

But if someone wanted me to do a show, let's say an hour away from LA in my mind, I knew I'm not going to do it for less than X amount. And I just started saying, no, let me know when you have a budget and I'll come do your show. That's an hour drive. Like I started setting like parameters. Like if it's an hour, I need to get paid this.

It's my time, you know. If it's further, I need to get paid. You know, I need to get none of this. Like can you come out to Palm Springs for 70 bucks? No, no, I can't. No, nobody should do that unless they are in Palm Springs. I mean, I've done it already. I've done it.

Thank you. But it's it comes back to the whole exposure thing. It's like, I appreciate it. Thank you for calling. Let me know when you have more money in your budget. Well, there's a lot of scammers out there. And there's right now we live in a Hollywood where Monday to Thursday, the clubs know that they won't do deck.

So what they do is get independent producers. Yeah. Which I don't mind at all. It's great for the business. What ticks me off at any level, what ticks me off is that you have a deal with the improv. You give away 200 tickets. So Felicia Michaels works hard.

She has a newspaper article. She's part of a podcast. She's just how special she's relevant. Okay. They put Felicia on the show and Dane Cook, you know, they sell the fucking, they sell half the room. The improv gives them six, $700. And again, and I hate to say this, I wipe my ass.

With the hundred bucks that you're going to give me. Yeah. But do me a favor and make the fucking effort. Take $50 from the seven you're taking and pay for the guys. Let me at least, you know what? Don't give Felicia 50 bucks. Give Lee who did seven minutes, give him 50 bucks. Yeah.

Felicia won't mind that. She's a real comic. She knows what it is to be that fucking guy over there. You know, you do these producer rooms. Nobody even says thank you. Then they call you once a room. They put your name on there with free fucking tickets. And not even a fucking friendly fuck you.

You know what I'm saying? Like it just gets to the point where there's a lot of sneaky fucking people out there. I had a situation years ago. Like for some reason, for two or three years, people kept calling me for YouTube movies. I had a strain of two fucking years. It was either a YouTube movie or a hundred dollar a day movie.

Okay. And I just said one day I go, you know what, the hundred a day movies. Again, I'm very flattered that you thought of me, but it's 80 fucking 250 after taxes, which I got to pay an agent 10 bucks. Number two, I got to dry clean my own clothes. And number three, you're going to shoot at night because

you're so fucking cheap. You got to use like the cemetery across the street at three in the morning, which means I don't fucking sleep. And I lose a day. Usually when you agree to those hundred a day movies, guess what happens Thursday? You got three Grestar auditions and they really want to see you at 10, 15.

But you already committed to this jerk off for a hundred dollar a fucking day in the cemetery at three in the fucking morning. That's when you say, you know what, next time somebody calls me one of these, I'm not fucking doing it. And I did that. And I got a call once and the agent called me and he goes, Hey, they want to use you.

I don't know if they move. I'm not doing it. I'm not fucking doing it. And it was a fucking one armed MC. What? I need this in my life. I need this in my life, Alicia. I'm smoking dope.

Yeah. They go, I put the arm behind you and they want you to go out there and be like lurch and shit. Lurch. And I was like, listen, I don't want to do it. And my agent kept calling me, listen, they called you from that movie again. They really want you to fucking do it.

They'll throw another arm in if you'll do it. No, they'll make you a two arm now. They really want you to do it. If you just do it, they really want you to do it. And they go, I'm not fucking doing it. And then he, they call back and they go, they want to give you 750 a day. It's three days.

They promise to send a car for you and you in and out. And I go, listen, dog, I don't want to fucking do it. It's a really interesting story. A week later, they call and they go, Joey, they come up to the date. They don't want to fuck around. What do you want?

I thought about it. I said three days and they said, though, it's one or eight hour day, one like three hour day and one like two hour day. And I was like, you know, where's the shoot? You know, again, it was like the edge of fucking hell. Like some town I never heard of in between like Bakersfield and El Segundo. You know, one of those towns that you don't even know.

It's called LA. No, no, no, no. It was like four hour drive. So it's eight hours. That's four each way, three and a half hours. There's no airport. So it was seven hours. Fresno.

No, no, no, no. It was like one of those places where they say to you, do you know where Bakersfield is? And you're like, yeah. And they're like 62 miles from there in a small town called like El Bombo or something. You know, it was one of those things. And I did the math and I go, you know what?

I could really use the money, but I made myself a promise. I thought back to that fucking graveyard at three in the morning who I never want to feel like that again. Call them back. I said, I asked for five G's and they called back and said done. So they had the money. They had the money. Yeah.

Oh, please. What the fuck is going on? They always have the money. They owe those hundred a day movies. They always got the money because they make the stars producers. So that, that fucking dude that was the third guy and the movie were Matt Damon and the other guy that didn't have two fucking lines in the movie.

Now he's the star of this one and he's a producer and the fucking actor. So he gets a double rate and the producers rate. He's there with a smile on his face and they're bringing them fucking. What's he drinking? Champagne cocktail. He's drinking Starbucks. They're bringing him Starbucks. You're sitting there drinking that communist fucking coffee, you know,

and he's giggling the whole way because he's making money on this fucking movie. Meanwhile, you're jumping fences and getting chased by fucking dogs and shit like that. So I told him, no, forget it. They're like, well, Joey, they're paying your money. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I got comedy that weekend. He's got to call the club and cancel it for what?

A movie that nobody's ever going to fucking see. Let's be this fucking face. And before that, I got a call like a week before that, some jerk off about a baseball movie. I can't even say the names of the people that he had in the movie. He called me to sell me because I got your name from a chiropractor. When he told me he knew you, I thought you'd be perfect for the role. I said, send me over the script.

He goes, it's a great shoot. You're going to shoot for eight days. I go, where's the shoot? He goes, Utah. And I go, Doug, that's not going to work. I can't be away from my family for eight days. I'm not allowed to do that. Oh my God.

Yeah. But it's 900 plus overtime. Again, nine fucking days. I can't do it. No way. You shoot three and send me home for four and I'll come back. But it's not going to work. No.

And the guy called and called and called. And he made me a pretty sweet deal. Plus he got me a weekend at the club and wise guys. He goes, I called the owner. He'll give you the weekend. You could do a door deal. And I said, you know what? I'm not doing out loud a day movie.

They were passed. And then I downed this other guy, the one arm fucking bandit. Yeah. And I said, no. And I said, you know what? I'm a fucking asshole. And a week later, I got the De Niro Stallone movie. So sometimes you make a personal promise to yourself.

Yeah. I didn't say none to Terry. I didn't say none to Felicia. I didn't say none to Lee. I just said, I'm done with that dog. You know what? I used to follow Pomely at the comedy store midnight. That means something in my fucking world.

Just because I don't have a sitcom and shit. That's my fucking metal. Who gave it to me? Me. That's who fucking gave it to me. And you make that decision. And a week later, I got the call for the Stallone movie. Whether the movie sucked or not,

I didn't work for $100 a day. Right. That was the fucking point. I just said, no, I don't give a fuck. Fuck my insurance. It'll work out. Somebody will fucking hire you for what you're worth. That's what you said.

Somebody will hire you for what? You got to see my Facebook. I wake up every morning with six messages. Four of them are tremendous deals. You got to see the deals in the office I get. And then, you know, people think they're doing me a fucking favor. Not doing me no fucking favor. I have a YouTube thing that I wanted you to do for me.

Look at you. I ain't doing no fucking thing, too. He was drinking while I did that bit. I should have waited until he said, oh, shit. No, because that's how. Listen, I didn't get thrown out of the store. I didn't get thrown out of the store. There's a, what's that fucking movie?

When they go to fucking Arabia and they blow the fucking place up and they have to send the FBI with Jennifer Garner and Matt Fox, Jamie Foxx and the fucking English guy goes in there, has to torment the head of the FBI. This is a hard game. He goes in there and he has to torment the guy from the FBI and tell them why the team has to go to fucking Saudi Arabia to do the test on the bombs.

And the guy's like, we don't have the diplomatic immunity. He goes, listen, man, I'm going to fucking quote a speech. The kingdom. The kingdom. That's a fucking badass movie. I was going to say Ghostbusters. And he goes, I was way off. He goes, I'm going to tell you a little speech

on McCartney, Maine, whatever. He's fucking slick, this white dude. Slick. Because I'm going to tell you a little speech. And at the end of the speech, he goes, I'd rather walk out of there. What does he say later? He says agree. I haven't seen it.

He goes, I either walk out of there on my feet or on my knees. I choose my feet. And he goes, one of the first, and they tell you, the naval academies, you have to write your obituary. Oh my God. He just reads it to the guy, but suddenly like, do you have an idea who you're fucking with? I don't know what the point of the story was.

Don't get me wrong. Everybody. Well, when you just say it, the right, your own obituary. Yes. He goes, that's that. He goes, the, you know, he was just telling the guy, if you don't do this, you're going to fucking die. Like, you don't understand.

Like, I'm just reading your riot act, you know. So I don't even know how we got to this point. Lee, what's going on with you, Doug? You good? Yeah, I don't know why. I need to sit down with that shirt. Thinking to yourself, what am I going to do with my fucking life?

Thank Joey. Thank God Joey's got pasta litos. Becky got pasta litos to go for later, to balance out your diabetic fucking sugar buzz. You know what I'm saying? They've been, they've been like ninjas throwing stars around this place. You know how we do it?

That's who we are. We're Chinese fucking ninjas. What do you get thrown one at you? You haven't even felt the love yet and the shit. Oh, there's one right here. Bring that over here. Listen, man, tell the people everything there is about this special, your fucking family.

What is this shadowbox comedy? Oh, no, no, that's just for me. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? Go ahead, drop it on me. Drop everything there is to know. Oh, my special. Well, it's called You Did This To Me.

Okay, who did it to you? It's just, it's open-ended. It's open-ended. You know, I complain about everything. I complain about my family and immigrants and my in-laws. So it's like, everybody, you did this to me. I shot at seven months pregnant, crowdfunded. So part of the crowdfunding for $25,000,

I think I told you, right? You could cut the cord if you donated that much money or if you contributed to my crowdfund. By the way, no one bit that one, the $25,000. But for $20,000, you could help us name our kid. And somebody did give us that. Yeah, they helped us name our daughter. Good for you.

You hit the jackpot. You did some creative things on it. Her name's Tyrone. Really? Jesus Christ. So we raised the money and we shot it ourselves. And I got distribution and it's coming out finally, a year later.

I shot it Mother's Day of last year. So we're gonna have to go to a website or... So it'll be on Amazon. I don't know how people find streaming stuff, but it's on Amazon, it's gonna be Hulu, Netflix in June or July, Fingers Cross, please, please. Google Play. Google Play, iTunes, Dish Network, video and demand.

All the places where you... You know what Vimeo is doing? Vimeo's releasing specials. I don't know how it works. Up that something called Voodoo. I don't even know what Voodoo is, but it's gonna be on Voodoo. Like I told you, it doesn't matter.

Yeah, Deadpool's already out on that. Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna be on Voodoo. Wherever you go, find your streaming entertainment. I think maybe just spell your name and say the name of the special. No, honestly, so people can search it. That's how they're gonna find it.

Follow me on Twitter, I'm sure. Kyra Soltanovic. So close. Are you fucking nuts or what? At Kyra Comedy, they can follow me on the Twitter and I'll have info for people. Kyra, I gotta tell you, man, I've been seeing you at the store since 98.

A young girl going up there without a bone-hunt banging it out. I wasn't wearing underwear back then either. I wasn't looking, man. I wasn't looking. I was just looking at you and saying, what the fuck do they do up there? Is everybody here wearing underwear except for me? Barnard's got a good looking fucking women.

You wear underwear? You do too? I always wear underwear. All right, all right. I guess I'll try it. We'll see. If I met Jiu-Jitsu, I got underwear on. Late night, I got no underwear.

Yeah, so you know what I'm saying? I took a shower. These things is fresh and it's in. Who gives a fuck about underwear? Right or wrong? I agree with you. That was the name of the special. You never wear underwear?

I mean, sure, I do. Yes, yes. You're fucking nuts. Like, that's the main people who complain that people should wear underwear. Like, if you don't wear underwear, there's always a woman in the room that says, why don't we get into an accident?

You always have to have clean underwear on. I never understood what difference that made. When they're trying to take your shoulder out of your back, no one's going to care about your clean underwear. So I don't understand that. You know, I thought more guys went commando than women, but you've mentioned it eight times. You didn't have underwear.

You just paint all over the stage like a cat. You talk about what you know, right? That's what they say. So what the fuck? Like a cat. Let me give you a shot. Don't forget, I'm in Indianapolis this weekend, and I'm in Sacramento, 513 or 512, whatever.

We got time to adjust it. The most important thing is tomorrow night at fucking Indianapolis Crackers. We ain't fucking around. The stars already there, voodoo's there. It's crazy. Just make sure your ticket's online for crackers tomorrow night. What we going to talk about here?

Oh, honet.com always number one. I love them with all my fucking heart. For the shroom tech sport, the hem force protein, the best chocolate fucking flavor protein on the market. I love it. You know, that's what I meant. I live for that shit. Three, four ice cubes, two scoops of banana,

but your fucking brand new in between meals, whatever the fuck. You know, as far as I'm concerned, this is what I want you to do. I can sit here for two hours and blow smoke up your ass and tell you what the shit I don't know. Go to honet.com right now and look at the great selection of supplements that they do have and then take it from there. I'm sure you get something.

What I'm going to do is give you 10% off for your first order delivered to your door. So do me a favor. When you check out your fucking great products, go to the box and press in church. Bam! C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your first order. And if you want to do the stay on it program,

they'll deliver it to your house every month on the first or whatever the fuck you run out of it, depending on your body type, you know, how many pills you're eating or whatever the fuck you're doing. Always remember, alpha brain, money back guaranteed, no question. When somebody does that, I know they ain't bullshit. Now let's talk about bullshit. You got smart cars, smart phones, smart homes.

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For 30% off your entire goddamn order. Again, that's the THC for the stupid fucks. Thethracker.com promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H. I want to thank Anit. I want to thank Tracker. I want to thank MionVs. I want to thank all our sponsors. I want to thank my beautiful Kira Soltanovic.

I want to wish you a lot of luck on this special. That's coming on the 2nd of May on all the albums. What is it? Spasiba. That's thank you in Russian. Oh, see what I'm saying. For people that were wondering, pernil. Is the name of the pork?

Yeah. For fucking tremendous. That's what Lee had today. Lee had pernil. The Cuban version of that. The Cuban version of it. Oh my god. Puerto Rican sabre too.

They rub sand on it. Oh my god. Like that to make it taste like underneath. You know what I'm saying? Oh my god, it's so good. It's amazing. It's very different. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.

As not too many people, you have an open invite. If you need some, you're always family to the show. You know, I love you. Warms my heart. You need for me to plug any of your dates. Let me know. You have any dates coming up you want to plug? Um, I mean, I'm in Miami May 14th.

Where at? I don't know. I don't have it in front of me. Well, get back to me. I'll get back to you. Little love for my girl Felicia looking good. Look, Felicia's sitting there like an innocent girl. She don't know nothing.

Just waiting for like a fucking dirty biker guy to come up her and say you want some candy, little girl. And Felicia, get on that son's anarchy motorcycle and you'll never see her again. I can see that. That'd look good on you. That's a Felicia niece. She needs a white biker like Jack Stella.

I can see her playing Gemma. Fuck, no, she ain't fucking Gemma. Gemma's a filthy animal. This Felicia Michaels, you know what I'm saying? Her muffler's clean. Do you see how nicely her hair's put together? Gemma's been on the motorcycle. You know what a motorcycle seat does to your pussy

after 15 fucking years? It makes it numb. You can hit it with a blow torch. You understand me? When those leather motorcycle seats, you sit on that thing on a July day that's off Corinthian leather. It melts the clitoris.

It fucks it up. You gotta go on Wikipedia to tell you all about it. I love your motherfuckers, huh? Is that why Gemma's so mad? No, all the way. We ever see biker chicks. They walk fucked up. Their face is all fucked up

between the wind hitting their face and the way the seat. It's not ergonomically dynamic. The calluses on their vagina. They have calluses and the motorcycle engine is right under your vagina, which is the shape, is what creates the whole sperm shape. When you do this constantly,

you lose the footing in your pussy. You got nothing. They can hit it with a blow torch, a hammer, a stick of dynamite. You're doing your nails. It just makes sense. All those biker bitches, they're numb. You're looking at me like,

I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know exactly what I'm talking about. I know all about this shit. I knew some biker bitches back in the day. They have kids that, those bitches had kids and their heads looked like they got bit by the mosquito. Already, the kiwi, whatever the fuck it is.

Is that from the Zika? I don't fucking know. Is that from the sperm shake? The sperm shake. Does this sperm shake cause the thing on the hand? No, dog, but any even. All those mosquitoes they got on the bike, you need to get them stuck in your teeth.

And they got the encephalitis. What are you going to talk about this shit? I love you motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. Stay safe. See you in Indianapolis. Stay black. One more time, my girl.

Kiris Otanovich, May 2nd, and Lisa Yat and the beautiful Felicia Michael. Stay black. This show was brought to you by Tracker. Go to thetracker.com, T-H-E, tracker.com, thetracker.com,

and use promo code church, C-H-U-R-C-H, where you use that promo code at thetracker.com, thetracker.com. Whichever way you want to pronounce the or the, that's what the website is, thetracker.com promo code church gets you 30% off the entire order.

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Thetracker.com. And using promo code church. Thank you very much. And the show is also brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use promo code church to get 10% off all the great optimization products like Apple Brain, New Mood,

Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom Tech Sport, and the Dolce Way Almond Protein Powder. It's delicious. It's promo code church to get 10% off. Hit it, Lee. Warpings for these motherfuckers. Those are fire protects.

The instruments. New York's... Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo just like witches at black masses evil minds that plot destruction sorcerer of death's construction in the fields of bodies burning as the war machine keeps turning death and hatred to mankind poisoning their brain wash minds that politicians Time will tell and their power finds Making war just for fun

Treating people just like mortgages Waiting till the judgment day comes Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh