Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #376 - Aida Rodriguez

Episode Date: May 3, 2016

Aida Rodriguez, Comedian and host of theTruthSerum Series Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to getyourfirst two meals free!   
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20%offof your first order and shipping is always free in the USandCanada.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10%discountat checkout.   Recorded live on 05/02/2016.
  

The doctor was like she's gonna outlive you all I keep wich is This show is brought to you by me on these Go to me on these calm and enter covert Joey to get 20% off of your first order of all of their great Underwear socks t-shirts. It's me on these comms last Joey to get 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US And Canada shows also brought to you by blue apron go to blue apron doc blue apron Sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients need to make them right to your door our listeners get their first two meals for free There's gonna blue apron comm slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with blue apron That's blue apron comm slash Joey and the show is brought to you by on it calm

Go to on it calm and use covert church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like strong bone shroom tech immune and shroom tech sport Oh Kick that horse Lee cut that shit out Lee kick that motherfucker The church of what's happening now Monday May 2nd Oh shit I Need towns are ripping that motherfucker up the shreds Are you fucking kidding me or what gets the fucking syringe

Here we go just when you thought it was safe Lee sciat my girl either. I drink res now I'm doing great. You're doing great. Oh, yeah, we can you drove down the fucking Yeah, I drove down to Dana point to see I haven't to see some of my family, which is very nice It's weird. That's a Why when I first moved out here like I have this some little family like an hour and a half away and I never see them and it's It's hard when you're focusing only like on like on like your work and other stuff

It's that sort of stuff tends to slip at least for me. So it was nice to see them They live an hour and a half away Minimum in LA traffic and that that fucks people up completely that makes your world a lot. It's hard It's really fucking hard and there's people who do it I have friends that live in off the 210 all the way up there past Pasadena and Their family lives in Ontario. They go down there every fucking Sunday. I Would die I would fucking die It's definitely it's uh, it's rough and it's traffic and bumping a bumper and fucking Disney and people going to San Diego

And it's always fucking Trafficking down there. So not that my parents didn't Make family important, but there are some people who are just Families everything like I never had barbecues every weekend or it was it was a few times a year You saw your cousins and stuff like that. It wasn't it wasn't like an every weekend basis Well, the people I'm talking about they're Filipinos And that's all they do they hang out with each other. Yep, but it's pretty, you know, you look at it from an outside And you know, that's fucking crazy

But you look at it from a human being and you go, you know what man? I can go for that right if I had that I wouldn't even have fucking friends Like if I get to get up my family on Saturdays and Sundays, maybe 19 of them, but You know, you wouldn't even need fucking that many friends. You'd have the circle of family that You did everything through them, but they did everything through you So it's kind of a weird when you don't have that, you know It's and if you wanted to you could have it because they're there I'm it's just getting them all together and getting them all in foods

But there's not like an organizer or two or three people on the same page It's tough. It's fucking tough man. Yeah, we do that in Miami though when I'm home my brothers and my sister and there's a Significant others. I don't even know what I'll call them anymore We do we always do everything together because we grew up in so much dysfunction Then now we just we creating a new thing and we go we go to the movie Spanish people Spanish people too they get together and they you know, they cook together black people. I Tell my wife here. We don't have that

We don't have that and if we had it we wouldn't want to do it like you know saying like it's a two-edged fucking sword Like sometimes it's in front of you and I sit there sometimes like a while on Sundays I should be over friends house barbecue and doing this and you're like who's friend who I don't know I don't even know who the fuck barbecues on Sundays. Steve Simone tries to cook on Sundays Like if Steve had a big house, he cook every fucking Sunday. Oh, yeah, Steve would cook every day every fucking day You know, there's just people who enjoy that stuff. I enjoy it, but at the same time, I don't have the time Right, I don't have the time I don't have the space in my house if I had the space in my house But I can fucking cook like my parents did it be fucking on right you said something very interesting me a few weeks ago

I can't stop thinking about about how I pay for a one bedroom apartment even though like it's if you think about it I should be having roommates and stuff and the thought of I would love to go to like to Steve's house or to someone's house But the thought of having people at my house all the time Like it blew my mind in college when I found out that people would just knock on your your dorm room door Just to say hi. I don't I don't like that. I don't know why I don't know what it is about me But that freaks me out a little bit since I met you you've been by yourself, right now There's people listen when you're stuck

If I was single when I was single and bolder, I had a great roommate situation You know why because it was a fucking nice house and it was two men who lived together But we didn't have the same bathrooms. Okay. I had my bathroom upstairs He had his bathroom all the way in the basement. There was a bathroom on the second floor in a situation like that It's great when you live with three guys and two more fucking pigs. Yeah, there comes a time when you go No, I'm not doing this shit no more, you know There's dishes in the sink that some people could do that stuff and some people do it To maybe overcome loneliness or something with other people there as you get older

I can't I could I was always in that environment like I wasn't cut out to be a mingler I was a single child. So my house was my fucking playground. My mind was my playground So when somebody's around me, it's not that they don't bother me as much as Even when they talk sometimes because my head somewhere else. I might be watching TV, but I'm not watching TV I'm thinking of the next fucking move. I don't give a fuck what they're doing on TV I'm just watching people like it's when people start yakking to me that gets me aggravated because It's fine that you're there Now I'm thinking about something else like you're thinking about something else. You didn't want to fucking be there, you know, so

Yeah, I think it's a you know, I saw cultural because my like my dad is the Cuban Isolationist and he'd hated people coming to our house. So he programmed us that it was it was just us He was why we're so close You got your you want to play with somebody I've been like I want to play with my friends You're you have three friends right there your two brothers and your sister and that was it So when people would come knock on the door and be like guy I say la boca everybody be quiet Nobody's home. He hated people in our house So we would always just be locked away when you watch the movie good fellas is the same way he says that no outsiders

Yes, that's really hard for people to understand when I was growing up. I grew up with a crew of guys That if you told him you were gonna meet him at eight o'clock and you showed up with somebody you gonna have a problem Yeah, but you didn't show me something like that was just that always bothered me I always I used to get like a little jealous as a kid if my friend showed up with another friend. So Yeah, that's weird. It's weird. A lot of people don't like that. What I would families You know just rent like I was raised in an environment where there was money Guns in the house. They were sent to re in the house So my family would say listen, you really don't want nobody else. Yeah

There's weapons in the house. You don't want to struggle now. So I was raised I had people come over But they had to be tight for me to have them over They would ask me stupid questions. Why are those glasses by the door? Oh, yeah, there a saint in your living room What's the coconut doing? What's the coconut doing there? You know, and you gotta fucking tell him and explain Yeah, you know, I was telling these guys. I had a six-foot Saint Lazarus on my house Oh, of course, and a fucking gold thing around his head with money and fruit Girls come over and they're like, oh, that's a beautiful statue. Yeah, let's go to the bedroom Yeah, you can't touch it. You can't touch it. You can't his eyes were like red. So you were looking in the middle of night

You had to explain it. I'm not the mood to explain it There was always I came from that environment that your house and there was always stuff in my house. I didn't know where it was and you know My dad, you know, my dad was one of those dudes. My stepdad was a very he didn't trust anybody Yeah, that's how I grew he didn't trust anybody. So listen that kid that came over here I don't know what he's thinking. You left him alone in the basement. I got some down there the fucking basement My grandmother was the landlady of the building. So she used to collect the rents

So as soon as somebody came to the door, she was going to get that 38 special And it was too much for people to come over and my grandmother has her gun and the white handkerchief It was just too much and feel like just don't come just just stay away Yeah, I didn't have any of that. I don't know my mind was more. I don't know might like I always had someone home So that there was that Even when I did drugs I wasn't a mingler Mm-hmm, like the last ten years of me doing blow like the first Five or six years of me doing drugs. I did drugs with people

In rooms and talk shit and listen to your beatings Then over the year got less and less and less and less like just party by myself And unless I was really horny and I knew this chick was on I would bring her over Because if I had listened to an earbeat for five hours for the tummy a she was on a period or B She had a boyfriend. I'm gonna fucking kill you. So I would I would search him down before they even came over Oh, you think I'm fucking kidding. I did some creepy shit when I was young I remember one night this girl told me she was on my period. I go, let me check She's like, what are you talking about? I stuck my hand that she let me go. Let me check fact checker

And I checked and I'm like, okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Was she yeah, do you pass out? No, I didn't pass out. I just touched the fuck like a string or something. I just went home. I Was brutal brutal when I had drugs brutal Because I didn't want you know, I can't I can have a good time by myself doing fucking drugs I need somebody telling me stories. I don't fucking listen to that shit in a ruin. You're high. Yeah So what happened to you last time you came in? one thing about this was that Listen, I got to respect you because I have guys, but I know that I remain nameless that won't come on the show

Why because of the stars? Oh my god, listen, listen, we live in an environment of such pussies Do the face that you do when you talk about Oh my god, there's such fucking pussies and All these podcast people think these guys are like these guys are such fucking pussies and I heard I heard the room We're like three weeks ago and it is like, you know what and you came in here You sat here for an hour and all of a sudden you were looking at the bag of stars And yeah, I could see about 35 minutes in That your eyes were fucked up and shit. I didn't say nothing you left

Then I called you and then I got a call like an hour later Somebody's like, would you give my mother a shit? I was like the kid that came home. Hi So what happened in the Paris, you know what it is? I hadn't eaten anything the whole day I'm hypoglycemic and I ate one of the stars on an empty stomach So it was like double what it would normally be because my blood sugar had dropped Speaking of W1 of the Stanley No, I think seven twenty-fives enough. So what I got they said I was walking around in circles when But then I started like passing out so they took me to the

The hospital and the doctor said I was having a continuous panic attack. So they had to give me these shots They almost broke my wrist though. They were they were holding me down But the funniest part is that that my son was like they were like, oh, how often does she do drugs? And and my and my son was like she doesn't do drugs and the doctor was like sure she does It was like you don't have to lie for her son. How long have you been going through? And they should know with the rise like a lot of people go to the hospital every week. Yeah a lot from marijuana Yeah from edibles. Is it because the the Sometimes the levels are so hot for some people and it's no, it's a complete different. It is a different

I creeps up on you and it creeps up on you sometimes a little fast because it's happening to me I'm nobody alive. Nobody. Yeah, it's happening to me. Sometimes I've got a little overzealous You know in the beginning we would eat 500 milligrams and it happened a few times right now My world was gonna. Yeah, I just started breathing and you eat something real fast and take your mind off And don't give it sugar See, I didn't know any He'll take sugar and start running like a three-year-old You know, there's just so many little things so but have you ever wanted to call the hospital? Never no

No, no, no, no, have you go to if you go to Denver? They have the recreational side and they have the the resident side I think that's what they call it medical medical and the commercial side is very it's 10 milligrams Right and they do that for a reason because People go to Colorado and they forget they're in 8,000 6,000. I don't know what the fuck elevation is Right one of those things and it becomes completely different guys trust what I'm talking. Yeah, it's complete unless you have you know years of fucking experience or

You just blow through it. I blow through it, but I'm not gonna lie to you. I get Once a month I get something happens I'm here with you guys and I go home and I get fucked up on the next morning I pay my dues too. I just know how to breeze through it. Okay this afternoon. I was home Now let's on the floor about 11 o'clock. I knew I wasn't going to get so I looked on the floor and I had a bunch of Andy the Loris fucking animals and There was those chocolate things that they're 10 milligrams and I

Basically opened up the thing. It was half of them. I was in the computer and I was stolen I didn't want to get up and eat some so I took half the thing and I just inhale them I didn't count them. I didn't care in my mind. It's like three chocolate cookies Do you know like two hours later? I take a nap When you really I took a nap like 45 minutes. Oh, I felt shitty I felt shitty like it came on me weird. I forgot I'd eaten it. See sometimes you forget you eat it Right, right and that's what sets you off once it starts hitting you. You think you got fucking Diabetes or yeah or some dementia. You don't know what the fuck's going on. It's I feel like the men so

Absolutely that elevation thing is real when I went to Big Bear We got pizza because there was nothing there. So we got pizza and about like on the little second to last slice I was convinced I tasted soap. I was like and and on the phone because I was also high I Thought for some reason though the Domino's guy was mad at me So I was like, you know what they did they put soap on the thing and they put it They did on purpose because because I thought I was rude and Paul was like, what are you talking? My girlfriend was like what you're crazy. You're losing it and I was like, no taste it tastes like soap I'm not crazy. This has never happened before you taste you feel like that tastes fine

And I just I was convinced the whole night and I think it was because of the elevation It's scary. I love so you got to add that in So they were feeding people 100 milligrams. So somebody like Ada Who had smoked pot a few times maybe drank a few times goes to Colorado And she hooks up with me at a comedy club. We start talking shit. And all of a sudden she eats 100 milligrams She's gonna go home You know, do you remember the time I went on the road with Felicia to san francisco? And somebody gave me a taffy that was like 300 milligrams. I fucking hate it man

And I went back to the hotel. I couldn't make it to my room. Wow. Yeah, and I'm a big dude You know, I could I've done a arrow and everything I couldn't handle it to my room. I went back to my room puked and I puked on this shit a few times one time on chandler With a suit on with no shirt I was driving on chandler with no shirt on With suspenders in the suit and I got out of my car on chandler and just started puking green water Where was your shirt in the car? I had to take it off I had the air on and the fucking sunroof open with all the windows open

I was so fucked up. I couldn't make the left turn either. Have it happen to you? I couldn't make a right turn either. I couldn't make a right turn. Let's do what happened I pulled out a cbs rapid. I made the left Because sometimes they make you park outside on this particular day. I had a meeting inside with cbs So I had a suit on They let me park in closer to the thing When I was in the meeting they're looking at me and I'm fucking getting high in the meeting And I take my job. I'm like, whew

It's hot in here and I take my jacket off first And then they're looking I could tell they're looking at me weird. I could tell the color in my face is leaving Yeah, I could tell all this shit's happening. I'm breathing heavy. I'm sipping on the water and nothing seems to work I feel that first sweat bead going down my head. This is cbs rapid. They got the air down to 63. Some Jews don't fuck around I Love it here. I will never stop coming back here. I got my fucking car And in the parking lot I had to stop before you get to the gate with a little mexican stand They have like an arab and a mexican do it

I had a pullover And I took the dress shirt off. So now I'm down to suspenders And a veto call the only wife beater That's too long. So my tits hanging out of the side I pull up to the window and I go, thank you. Thank you and I make the left out of cbs rapid I go to ventura. There's a mcdonald's there mcdonald's trade a joke Okay, so right away. I fucked up already because I was supposed to make a fucking right, but I couldn't decide

There's a street right there. You can make a right and cut to laurel. Can't I couldn't make the right turn man I couldn't make it. No, that's a hard turn. That's a hard turn. It's like a three-way thing So I pulled and ended up in ventura in traffic. Oh, that's oh no. Now. It's starting to get hot. It's 15 15 And I pass laurel. Can't I don't make the right turn My hand won't make the right turn. So now i'm on cold water And I won't make the right turn. I got all the way to like fulton Before I made the right turn and I finally got the channel and on channel

I had to pull over and take the white beater off Now I'm driving tits out suspenders Windows down sunroof open Music is off. I can't even tolerate music. I got the air blasted I'm driving on channel in the right hand lane. Maybe doing 22 23 People are going around me beeping. Fuck you the whole fucking thing. I'm just holding onto the steering wheel either Just holding

To get me the cofax so I can make the left and go home praying I get the cofax Not even I didn't even make it to laurel king and had to pull over like a block before you know They have like those little jewish schools. Yep. I had to pull over there and I'm puked in front of kids people walking by I'm just barfing green puke I got back in the car. I drove all the way home. I made it home There was water in the back seat, you know, like when you drink a half a thing of water You're from the back seat though. I took that water and drank that hot water

Ah, did it make you puke? I think that's what made me puke the water sometimes sets it off for me Yeah, it got made me puke. I went home and I sat in front of the air conditioner. I took my pants off My wife came in and she goes eating that shit again, aren't you? And she fucking wanted a room and that was it Now and what wasn't that you took that day? What was it the banana bread the banana bread was killing motherfuckers What happened was I ate a banana bread then felicia got one Inflation because what am I gonna do with it? I don't want it in the car. I don't want it in the house So I got in the car. I was gonna melt. I don't want that shit to melt. So you did

Milo call me So I get and I've got anxiety on planes when I didn't barf. Yeah I got one time twice on a plane where I just couldn't stop sweating Oh, yeah, I could open up one time. I took my shirt off on the plane in first class all the way to Miami Oh, shit, that's a long flight My shirt I'll sweat drinking water drying off eating cinnamon candy the cinnamon candy set it off. Oh, wow That's the best though the best stories you have the you should just write a whole book about your your eyes your trip Oh my god, I'm sure that'll be a great coffee table book. Oh, please

Puking shit barfing speaking of that. What was it like seeing the red eyes of the of the statue when you were like high That must have been at that time. I really wasn't doing The drugs I did a year later But I would do thc crystal and I wouldn't even look at the saints Whenever I got high. I was I'm such a catholic I wouldn't even look at the same you never you're not scared of them. You just feel like you're disrespecting you disrespect But they raise you not you're never afraid of you. That's here to protect you Oh, I know but right eyes when you're like what I was thinking of was acid

He had like brown eyes But the lighting in the living room when you had the hallway light on with the lights off in the living room His eyes got fucking weird. There was a certain glass room that they made them out of to make them look real It was fucking creepy It was really creepy and it would creep people out when I brought them over to eat and shit like that There was just a certain amount of people that would come over and wouldn't even ask Some of my friends would come over and not ask those little motherfuckers that came over all the time. What's this? What's that? What's this? I grew up in a place. You don't ask. Don't ask. No, just keep walking in the house

They're gonna feed you shut the fuck up. Yeah, you start asking stupid fucking questions. Is she what's this? What's that? So I wouldn't bring them over. No, you don't and your answer to everything is I don't know I don't know. I don't know. You know say, where's your mother? I don't know. I don't know. What does your mother do for a living? I don't know everything. I don't know. What's your phone? I don't know It's amazing. I was raised just like that. That's a different mentality raise your child Yeah, that's how it's because my mom figured people would get to me to get to her and ask good questions I remember one day that pulled up and I was talking to a cop And she called me. I was looking for that. What was that dude asking? What did he want? Why were you even talking to him?

Like why the fuck were you even talking to him? When I tell my wife those things and I tell Lee Lee thinks I'm kidding them No, that's how he grew up. It's very I don't know nothing. You don't know anything Your teacher asked you in school. What happened at home? I don't know. I don't know anything You know, it's so weird even when I watch Some of those there's an episode of the Sopranos when he has to go meet the construction guy And the construction guys weren't aware and he's asking questions And how he would act watch watch when you watch that show there's certain times when he's talking to somebody

Where they're saying something to him. That's a criminal Thing and he changes it completely different And it blows the person out of the water. That's how I was raised to do that stuff Yeah, especially when somebody says something to you in front of other people It was it was a lot of times I think if I understand what you're saying it's like if the cops bring something up like hey Were you there with that robbery and he goes? Ah nice slimy sandwich today or like just something completely different No, you just don't you're not even what robbery. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about

I wouldn't even mention the robbery. Yeah, I don't know what people would talk to me how we go I think I was eating pizza Tuesday and they would just look at me like Like what the fuck? Yeah And my wife doesn't understand that that it's okay to tell people you don't know Even if they know that you know It's better to tell people you don't know. I don't give a fuck if you know that I know I'm still not gonna tell you. That's right. Even though you know, I know I don't know what you're talking about. It's better to say you don't know

It's gonna know because you then nobody can quote you. That's what my mom you said nobody's gonna say Ida said this and Ida said that so it's better for you to say I don't know. No, no, I don't know That's how we were raised because no matter who you who tells you we're raised in every one of us grew up Where there's something illegal illegal going on Absolutely. No, I don't know I don't know Yeah, you don't know what time your mom gets home. No, what time she gets from yesterday. I don't know. I was that my grandmother

You just driving crazy. Yep. That's a crazy way So when does that stop though? It never does. I still do it today. I don't know what people talking I have no idea what you're talking about. It doesn't go I could change the conversation within a second I you do it sometimes like a second. I don't know what you're talking about. How do you want to discuss that? So let's change it, especially if you bring it up in front of somebody. Yeah Like that's not supposed to be in the room. I don't know what you're fucking talking about Yeah, it is it doesn't go away. It doesn't go away. I was raised like that and the funny thing was The people I was raised with were raised at their homes like that

So everybody knew the rules. You don't know nothing Yeah, but you were right there. You were standing there. No, but I was looking down there What happens looks like I don't know someone just moves into a new town Like when people like systematically try to get them out like your town specifically seems Like there's a lot of similar people there Like so, okay, north bergham. For example, I'll tell you a real quick story about north bergham. My friend george My friend george has lived in north bergen for 20 years his kids have gone to that school until this day george says to me

It's like I'm gonna fucking outsider Because to them you are an outsider. You didn't play football with them You didn't play the league baseball with them And you definitely didn't go to grandma school with them. They have no idea who the fuck you are even if they know you are It's tremendous just don't talk to you they'll communicate that this you know, they're not bad people You're just an outsider. You'll always be an outsider Yeah, and you feel it eventually you're feeling okay, and you have two decisions to make to keep dealing with these people or just Being outsider to that circle

And that's fine. That's fine. That's some people just Maybe it's better for you not to Be involved with what they're doing someday something happens. You're like, damn see that work that but it's it's uh My wife doesn't understand it at no level. She's got like well people people. I don't give a fuck what people think I don't you don't need to say nothing to nobody, you know, I told you yes. That was in the balcony smoking the people across the street from me the

Painter chick and the fucking drunk and the two and the two fucking uh, the two fucking whatever the fuck they are Transgenders and the new charters chick were across the street barbecuing And I said to myself, you know what they've never invited us over there Like how many times have I walked over and said hello? You know, it's so weird how I keep my neighbors at arms distance Yeah, because they're your neighbors once you invite them in that's it They come over every day when even when you want to be there or not you have to talk to them

So before you open your fucking mouth You know as a situation where lady next to me told my wife a bunch of shit now She went back with the guy so I told my wife all the time You see why you don't spread your business no way about people Whatever goes on in your house where you and your wife or your wife nobody knows nothing. That's right I don't know nothing. I don't know fucking nothing. You know what I'm saying? It's but there's people who Think that they have to fucking talk

Tell you the whole fucking life story in eight fucking minutes That drives me crazy. You know, I'm a weekend. They're telling you they got molested You gotta know me for 10 years before I tell you I got a finger up the ass never mind molested You know, they're telling you that life fucking story. You sit there and go how fucking pathetic are you? You're telling me a life fucking story Yeah So in those neighborhoods, no, this is the way of life the least you say

the better off you are Because everything you say is gonna be analyzed if you're an outside. Yeah So you smile you say hello and you speak when you're spoken to So now that you're raising a kid in like popular cultures the exact opposite of that How does that make you feel? I will definitely raise mercy on I was raised in that statue You don't know nothing don't open the door for nobody ask my mom's not home Call back later if you answer the phone. I don't know you have to call back. I don't know. I don't know

because all those little things They're little fucking things. It's a cold. We had a cold I don't want you discussing what happens in this house at the school ever You don't know nothing. What's your dad doing? I don't know. Where's he going to work? I don't know Is he there when you leave? I don't know He's somewhere. Was he there now? I don't know Just to every question will he be there tomorrow? I don't know and eventually they just put their hands on their hips And they know what fucking time it is. Yep

They know what fucking time it is And then you talk to her and you tell her don't let them scare you just stick to your fucking story. They're lying to you You know, I'm gonna tell her all that shit. Those are the evils of the world that my wife was never told That's why I'm when a cop pulls up my wife will tell them anything, you know, she don't fucking know She don't fucking know nothing you turn your back. I don't know nothing But why joey because you don't fucking know none everything you say you're gonna incriminate yourself. Yeah So why are you saying something to these fucking people? at you know neighbors

You know like yesterday again, I feel bad because I should be mingling with people But there's a good side to that and that's a bad side to that and I'm 53 with a baby and a wife I don't want nobody coming on my fucking house either. Yeah, so I don't I don't want people mingling on my doorstep borrowing sugar You know one that I want in the living room in the fucking let not the lesbian But the fucking transgender is in my living room. I swear to god not my living room But in my backyard trying to capture a skunk I said, listen, let me ask you something when I get up to go on the road at four in the morning That's skunks in that box. You're gonna take it out of box. Do me a favor get that fucking box out of here

They didn't talk to me for six months Because they put a box in your yard Yeah So after that they knew what time it was like one day the one transgender is a nice and they're nice people But the one guy wanted to be friendly like a little too friendly with my wife Like you have a better chance of being friendly with me Because my wife don't buy into none of that shit at least I grew up around it. I'll talk to you. You know what I'm saying It's a goof for me

He put his hand on the car While my wife was opening up the car door to take the baby out. He was waiting and I turned and I saw this and I'm like Oh, this is not gonna be any good My wife slammed the door when I said do you fucking mind? You know because he was coming over going hey any shows lately Who didn't tell me this every fucking day? He would say young shows in town. Yeah tonight at the comedy store. They wouldn't show. What do you keep asking me for? That's right. I'm one of those fucking guys, you know after the third time

You don't show stop asking me. Yeah fucking bothering me. All right And that's what happened after that. They knew what time it was they never fucking us again Now it's a hi. Goodbye. How are the cats good? I saw this cat the night this cat died. That's it. We keep it about the cats It's like it's weird like I I don't know if I told you but I had a neighbor once just Like saturday morning at 9 a.m. Just knock on the door and ask me for a ride to somewhere on like where he is four miles Yeah, to like four miles away because her car got towed And luckily paul was there. So what do you know? I'm like There's people have weird stuff like with that like asking neighbors

I don't I don't I don't talk to any of my neighbors me either No, my dad used to be there. They come and they ask you for a cup of sugar and then the next day the thumping in the kulo That's what my dad was saying What she just said was one day they asked you for Sugar the next day knock on the door. They want your asshole And it's true. He was fucking true It's true and I ran into that in in colorado when I moved to colorado. I was a young kid I wanted to be everybody's fucking friend

I wanted to be light next thing, you know, I got four people my living room smoking my reefer every night And nobody's showing up not even with a hot dog by mentee You know, and I tell you the story about the kentucky. We come over that's why rob them He was right upstairs and they just robbed and he kept coming down man. Somebody robbed my house last night And I got the fingerprints on this scotch tape The fuck out of my face. You got fingerprints on my scotch tape You know what I'm saying? I'm over here loading up a fucking bowl of death. You show up with fingerprints on the scotch tape All right, so how long did you stay at the hospital for?

Oh, I was only there for like six hours. Oh Jesus Christ They had to put an IV because they said I was dehydrated My heart rate dropped Yeah, it was a it was a whole it was a whole fiasco. It was a scene I'm actually writing it as an episode of my tv show because it was really funny Um, my kids had to come get me from the in and out Because I couldn't drive anymore I was so high I couldn't even next to the old office. Yeah, they came and got me

I pulled over and then I was like, can you give me a burger? Did you eat? No That's why I ended up in the hospital because I hadn't eaten and my blood sugar just dropped. It was It was funny. I was there for six hours and then I believe they tried to break my wrist I could hear them talking about um me being a drug addict And then um, so they were gonna break your wrist. No, they were trying to break my wrist to put needle To give me these shots, but they were holding me down, but they were holding me hard and I was like I'm a hi. I'm not dead. I can feel this like you're it's it hurts

And um, my wrist was swollen for two weeks Two weeks. It was uh, it was a fiasco. It was so funny kids call. What'd you give her? What's she doing? I was walking around in circles They said I was walking around in circles and I kept doing my head like this Do you remember any of what you were thinking during this time? Um, I was hoping that um, I didn't lose my mind permanently How was your breathing? How was your heart? Did you feel? Yeah, it was always I was gone And did you feel the breathing was bad you couldn't you was yeah, I was having probably this got tight

It was just hilarious It was funny though because it was an experience to write about and then afterwards Sometimes you got to get humbled. You know what I mean? I believe like you walk around You know, I don't do I don't really do drugs. I don't drink like that. I'm pretty uptight I'm always stressed out a very latin Always worried about what about next month and what about so I needed that mo That just it just slowed me down because during that time I was on edge on super edge And it just calmed me down for

I went to sleep for like two days. I hadn't slept because I'm an insomniac. I don't sleep So I I got two whole nights of sleep that because of it's always I'm an optimist I was I looked at it as a blessing. How do they sober you up? They they they hold you down. They tie you up They give you the anti-anxiety medication which is a pillow Shot and what do you feel like they just get you high. Yeah, no, they it relaxes you your heart just calms down and then they give you fluids And then they keep you there until they think it's ready. You're ready to go home. Did they ask you what you took?

Um, I just told him I ate something and I don't know what it was You know what I was saying, right? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know who gave it to you. I don't know And then he turned to my son because I was so high and he was like who gave her the drugs and he was like, I don't know Because I raised him like that So he was like they were like you guys are not going to give us any answer Her well-being and my son was like, I told you what I needed to tell you. She had inedible It was uh, it she had a bad reaction to it. What are you going to do? This is this the hospital or the police station

And the lady was like looking at him like what and my son was like take care of her. That's what we're here for We're not here to answer your question. It's fucking crazy. Yeah, he was Fucking crazy red band called the ambulance himself. Yeah twice $14 to get the ambulance set to the 101. He pulled over in a fucking car dog I know hey listen, man. I feel my heart sometimes I would go to the gym sometimes on those stars And you get deep and you know and all of a sudden the gym is big so your hearing starts to go

Your hearing I can't believe you do it at the gym. That's crazy. I didn't know either Lee I would eat three of those stars and go to the fucking YMCA You shouldn't get on the treadmill. You got on the treadmill the bicycle. Oh my god You gave me the chill. Oh my god. You you and at one point of that workout you run out of oxygen. You're like All of a sudden that fucking star Takes you to a different fucking place of anxiety. Yeah, it does. It was it was interesting But still, you know You know, you've been through so much in life and something like something happens and you're like, uh, really like

The swat team came to my house when I was little like there's nothing that could shock you at this fucking Like I I mean people are like, oh my god, you know, and I'm like really I've seen I've seen really horrific things That's nothing. It's crazy what Some people's perception of bad is yeah, like Lee. Lee's a great kid. Lee's Never seen a bug get hit. Like Lee sees stuff and he gets all you're not gonna believe me. Lee Lee Lee relax Who gives a fuck? Jesus Christ, he gets all emotional red in the face. He called me tonight Did you change the passcode? Because I can't get that completely. Yeah, I changed the passcode

It makes you change it every few months. I don't know, you know, it's just But it's it's it's going back to the way I was brought up like that was right I was walking down the street today Just down the way here And there's three dudes in front of me they gotta be about 22 they're skateboard You know jumping up and down they got tattoos the whole thing And as they got to this house over here, I'm looking straight ahead And I heard a dog bark and all three of them jumped in the air

And I kept walking and I said and I didn't know why Like I just didn't know why Like all three of them jumped out of the fucking The dog was two feet big, you know, two feet high. I'm sorry You know, I just kept walking right and I remember going Jesus Christ. Really? I don't even react to dogs anymore It's it's uh Like my upbringing, I'm sure that haters are bringing at times you think of it as as sad and uh

It sometimes I think of my life at home my mom especially now that you're riding all this stuff Yeah, and you get stuck on how am I gonna write that section and you think about the section from a different point of view And you think about your life from a different point of view and The realities are realities. You know what at points in my life. It was very sad how my mom raised me Yeah, and it was very sad the things she showed me on early age because it takes away your childhood Yeah, I was paranoid even knowing about things like listen when you're eight, you know about eating pussy Yeah, that makes you look at barbie a lot fucking different And Ken a lot different. You're not supposed to even hear about eating pussy and blowjobs

I didn't hear it at home. Are you heard on the streets of new york city? Hey, go get your dick sucked then you start asking questions Who sucks your dick and then people tell you girls suck your dick and now you know you're seven years old You know people just be sucking your dick. I didn't want to know that at seven Yeah, I didn't want to know that seven. It was things like that. I can't blame it all My seven is crazy. I can't blame it all on my mother in the bar I have to blame it on the where I was raised the time in this country the time in this country was completely fucking different you know

and But that's but then you look at the other side of it Today I'm getting the proposal ready for the book and I'm up to the chapter now where it's a month before she dies And a month before my mother died the house was very sad She lost a bar and her and her husband got separated And she still had money and she was still living a life, but the house was different And I was the man in the house But I was the man in the house. I didn't have to pay bills. I didn't have to mow the lawn

It was like I was a different man. I had to keep her together You learn I keep a woman together. You know what I'm saying? She learns how I keep you together and I think about How I used to come home at night like I remember I went to my mom and then I go mom. Where's those jeans and she goes I didn't wash And I like made like a noise and she goes what Start washing your own clothes

By the time I was like 12 Or 11 I was already washing my own clothes and hanging them up. Yeah, you know, I had a bathroom and I was a fucking I didn't like people peeing in my bathroom So somebody came on house and pee when I left I went up there with fucking Fantastic, and I'd wipe the toilet seat and I cleaned my bathroom. My bathroom was That was my fucking bathroom. Yeah, and she used to say to me. I like that you keep your bathroom clean You know in those days. I used to not wash my clothes. I used to fold

My mom would go. Hey, you want 20 bucks tonight? Yeah, do your favor You gotta go pay the mortgage tonight and go pay the phone bill though in those days. You didn't write a check You had to go stand online and pay your phone bill, Lee Online to pay your phone bill might take an hour might take 10 minutes You know I'm saying they're from there to walk two mother miles to go pay the mortgage So I tell people there's times. I think that she was preparing me for her to die This time I think that you know in those days My mom would go. Hey, man, I get home with six from hustling

That there better not be no dishes in the sink and that fucking house better be vacuum That was part of what I did. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, those little things I took the garbage out In a way it prepared me for Uh You know when I from the time I was fucking eight, I didn't leave my dishes On my table the time I was a kid they'd bring me She wouldn't even bring it to me. I remember still after school I would go in my room get my notebooks out and she would yell for me and I come in and get my little swiss cheese

With america with ham on toast with mayonnaise and some iced tea with lemons and shit And I'd bring it into my room. Then I had to bring my dish And my fucking cup back. You know what I'm saying? Like I had to do all these little things I would fucking get It was like she was preparing me for life for life Absolutely And and I grew a paranoid too But I'm so thankful that my mom put that and my dad put that in me because when I look at my friends

I was like you bitches would all get kidnapped. I would never get Because of the way that I was schooled I was walking down the street the other day and this dude was that was walking behind me And I stopped until he walked around me and my girlfriend was like Why did you do that? I said because we have somebody behind us that we don't know He can just hit us from the back and she was like you're paranoid. I'm like, yeah, you you end up You'll end up on a milk carton. It's not that I'm paranoid is that you know the realities of life Yeah, you know how they end up lee came to me when then he goes. Hey, man. I'm thinking of getting a bicycle

That's great. Oh, we can't talk about it. Oh, no, no, no, no, we can of course Oh, I thought you were like this. No, there was just another story of someone getting killed again. Where uh here in LA I don't I don't I'm I can't remember the intersection right now, but it was just All like I like I think someone hit a car and the car hit the bike or something And like they happen all the time, you know, he told me come on. I got a bike. I lovely. I want to get healthy But you know what man in LA a bike And I listen man I used to go to yoga with my wife way before mercy came right here at the white right down the court

And one day I guess what we meet in front of us a jew cuban From miami, but she speaks cuban fluent, you know, her mom's cuban really got her dad's jewish the whole thing One day I see she was leaving yoga on a thursday night At 8 30 and this bitch got a helmet And I looked at her and I said what's the helmet for and she goes I ride my bike home I go, what are you living? She goes on cold water and whatever go listen, man Why don't you call your husband want us to give you a fucking ride leave the bike here? I said that to her and she goes no, I like riding my bike

Do you know the next time we're seeing that bitch had a false tooth and stitches She got hit by a bike and dragged she sued the guy They had to put a false tooth in the mouth with fucking stitches and shit And she was like you were right. No shit. I'm right You ever want to ride a bicycle fucking l. I'm scared to walk. No, it's dangerous I walk my baby to school every day and pick her up in the car, but I walked them Because the train station's close by and I know what comes off this train And I see it sometimes I go for a ride at eight and I see people looking the same way

I used to look when I was trying to make something happen People understand that I was one of those guys that if I had a dollar in my pocket or 200 I got up at eight and I went for a walk just to see what you can make out You never know I see a girl I follow. I didn't know there was an office on the corner I go in that office. It's a building with 52 offices And all those doors open and I can knock on all those doors and say is marry me They know marry me. Okay

But if I walk in and you your bathroom break, I would open the desk take the penny cash and take your wallet out of your purse And I would go one of those a day just for walking but the same way I could have broken to an office. It's the same way. I see my wife walking with the baby And I see my wife with that stupid person. I always tell her what do you bring that fucking purse for? I go where you going? I'm walking the kid to school. All you need is your fucking A $20 bill to get coffee over there and again. I see it going the person get her ID Why are you taking your ID out of your fucking thing address on it?

Why put the fucking eye she looks at me like well, what if a cop stopped me? What if tom to follow you home? You got your wallet over at the fucking house Leave the ID there in case you pull the 20 on the ID flies out Now you're fucked. Don't take your ID out of your fucking wallet ever ever. Does it come out of your wallet? I take it out the fly. I put it back in there those people that leave it with the fucking ticket I see them dropping their IDs all the time at the airport every three times I go to the airport I see a fucking ID on the floor and I see them going on my ID and I leave it there I don't even say none. Fuck if I'm being stupid now. You'll fucking learn not to be fucking stupid

After that, I don't care. There's 200 people waiting behind me I put my ID back in the fucking wallet And as I'm walking down the security line, that's when I go back in I take it out again I don't walk through the apple ID fucking loose You lose your fucking ID an apple within hours You're fucking all $5,000 in Africa. Yeah, you know what I'm saying with an hour as you lose your shit at the airport Are you fucking nuts? There's little things. It's not called paranoia There's little fucking things just to avoid a world of hurt

Yeah, I've never lost my ID since I got out. Well knock on wood. You know knock on wood. Don't say that shit That's right. But you know But it's because in my mind my my dad would always be like that has your address on it That's where you lay your head every and wherever you let that go. You don't know what kind of element Always used to tell me that so he my the ID is sacred. You don't walk around I don't leave my house with my ID sometimes because of that There's a lot of people who won't Put their home address in their phone

No, mine is because if someone gets your phone or your dps, then they know where you live Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something off the bat. You and Ada this fucking phone You're dead as soon as you have this phone You're dead dead It's a death of war inside Once you pay your bills online and use your credit card to buy music. Oh, you're dead. Oh, yeah, you're half dead

Yeah, you're half dead. You're already you're already dead There's no security in this they could tap this from anywhere They could listen in on your conversations and within five minutes Have all your fucking information and start fucking fucking with your world This this is the worst thing in the world right here. Yeah, not only this it tells people where the fuck you are every minute That's good and fucking bad Okay, that's good and fucking bad in my world where I come from. That's communism Yep, that's communism in my world. That's kind of that's the beginning is a communism

In an inadvertently way That's the beginnings of communism I see so many things going into I think in a hundred years will all be the same fucking people. Yeah same tattoos with numbers on them You could pay for your bills with your hand Everything will be on computer But the most important thing is that you always be accountable for even your thoughts Even your thoughts

It was really I went to the apple store the other day and as I walked in I have an apple gift card And it popped up on my phone So that like yeah, you're already still I don't think it's gonna take a hundred years No, I'm talking about the technology is way ahead of itself It's the people right what process Of the americans as soon as I started seeing people I swear to god as soon as I seen people started getting the tattoos I'm like we're in trouble because we're all like-minded now You had a tattoo when you were a felon when you were a sailor

You know what I'm saying you had a tattoo when you were outside the realm Normal housewives didn't have tattoos. I'm at the airport. I see a mom with two babies and she got tattoos on her fucking feet Okay, you know that wasn't around 30 fucking years ago I See them the tattoo is the beginning to the you might as well put your address on your fucking arm Or the what they did not see germany and people might think I'm retarded or crazy for saying something like that. That's what I see I see them. I see you being accountable All the way through from A to Z these computers these computers

They read your emails What you listen to what you like in other words your thoughts your feelings your emotions The music you play every time I click on youtube Every time I click on fucking facebook every time you click You say something on twitter every fucking email that you write to your mom when you write to your girlfriend You want to suck her asshole? Or when you write to somebody, you know, this is your idea for fucking life. All that shit is out there All that shit's out there somebody's reading your stuff right now. You have to assume

You have to assume You have to assume on every level and and not to mention the the hours we have now of Our entire lives on the internet So people could very easily Create false identities. No, it's it's it's the least of your problems is false identities. Yeah, really? That's the least of your problem They do it all the time. That's the least of your worries is false identity. You don't even see where I'm going with this I'm going with the government. I see the yeah, I'm not even seeing this at the government. I'm seeing this within us

We're all becoming We all want to be the same person We all want to drink the same coffee, you know, it's the caste system without the caste system There's some people can't afford a four dollar cup of coffee and they make coffee at the house These people go to a place to be recognized to be social So people know that they go to starbucks that brand. Oh my god. I love starbucks. They you know, it's it's it's it's just everything I see it. I you know, they're making your pay this much for tickets these phones the gps even in your cars They have all your motions, you know, I mean

Your wife could monitor you anybody could monitor you. I don't give a f***ing my wife want to monitor me I don't do dick anywhere. Hang out with you. I go to the ATM machine. I go to the f***ing jiu-jitsu. What the f*** but Just to thought that somebody knows where I am Through my f***ing phone if I have it in my pocket Just to thought that they could listen to your conversations Which they've been listening to for 2000 f***ing years But it was a lot to eat a lot harder to access those f***ing wires in the phones

That are breaking through your house and tap now they just cut well Well, they've been cutting into your wires also, but it was very old school Not like they're doing it now off satellites and s***. I'm not like a big conspiracy theory person But when you think about it, if you look look at that Do you it does any part of you think maybe the government gave me these intent? Give these to people and maybe they'll give us every single Like information about their life

Like for free Like what is that we're gonna they're gonna pay us to give us their information. Well, it's not even information It's your thoughts It's your text messages. It's your Like I said, everything you're involved with is right now 99% of what you're involved in what you like you You uh connect with through the computer 100% 100% for the purpose of control not um Not they don't want to read your emails. They just is what we're becoming cattle Like the new world order is setting in

And we are going to be numbers And they're going to put chips in the children and So this is a there's a book called the pale horse behold the pale horse or something like that that talks about A former cia agent telling all of the things that are going to happen that um Are going to make us all controllable And the rich will be the people that get everything and the poor people will suffer and slavery will be back And this will be a different type of slavery as it is 100 years. It'll be a different f***ing world. Yeah This times I feel bad for mercy

I really feel bad for my daughter What could happen in this country in the next 10 years? You know, what can how many people are slipping in here every day through Mexico? Can't even if just one come in and set one thing in Iowa then one comes in and sets another thing in Nebraska Once they eat us from within That'd be the smart move If I was f***ing uh ISIS I would stop right now I'd stop and disappear

And let everybody think we were done And every day starts sending troops in here Send them through Miami One side of Canada the other side of Canada and Mexico And put them all to a state open up a business set them up And one day all 20 of those states they blow something up at the same time that that's that's a war right there And that could happen. Yeah It could not yeah, but that could happen with any group could do that

You know, I thought when the FBI did that thing a couple weeks ago That they couldn't get into the phone. I was starting to write a joke about and I go Why am I running the joke about it? They're the ones that are writing the joke right now Or they know exactly how to get into that f***ing. Yeah, they're already in the phone They were already in the phone and f*** to the apple. I'm like, that's the FBI dog They've been getting into people's thoughts for 200 f***ing years You don't think they can hack an FBI phone. That's what they're letting the consumer think. Oh my god. Well the FBI couldn't hack it

How could I you know saying like every f***ing was smart white dude right now at home was like, you know, the FBI couldn't hack this phone Can you imagine that that's the security of apple apples at home polishing their fingers like look at us They don't give a f*** idiot. They're watching the guy from apple jerk off in his f***ing office on top of the secretary's face They'll watch them go look at this f***ing moron You don't think we get to open up a phone. Are you f***ing retarded? And then when you said did you see when they were like, um, we got it. We got it. Yeah, thank you Don't worry about it. Get the f*** out. They put an ad for these f***ing idiots. Now all these idiots raised their hands Now they know about them

Now you're on paper that you raised your hand. You thought you were gonna really open up the f***ing hack phone You f***ing moron now. They got you on paper. You went in and said my name is joe smith I'll hack that phone. You f***ing dummies. Really? Okay. Thank you We'll call you in a week Where's Tony Bennett cocksucker you're on the list Unbelievable man unbelievable what we fall for and how gullible we are at times Oh, yeah To do another star with leaves

When somebody breaks your home No Ain't no split you already got a split. Oh s*** Murder was the case that they gave me s***. He's going to hospital. Yeah, what hospital did he go to? Sherman knows hospital Was it? Not bad. Here you go. They almost broke my wrist. Here you go. Lily. What the f*** It's monday the second of may If you don't send an example, who's gonna delete the music on you

Here you go, buddy Oh, s***. Look at that. Like a doctor. Where you do it? I think I missed it Where'd it go? I think uh Are you scared? No, I'm not scared. I had 725 What's that butchery? 850. BAM If the puzzle I split one even no don't get no involved aiden. No aiden brought the vapor pen

She's on anti f***ing thc pills She took cold air. She already ate charcoal just thinking Oh god See what happens. Did you eat it? See what happens when you join the marines league These are the marines It's a life of fun An adventure. I gotta see the world. Yeah, you go home. You don't know what you're gonna eat Right, you might end up at the cactus. You might end up at denny's. That's the world

You might end up at the taco stand. What time's your favorite taco stand close? I don't know. The latest one's open till midnight So I don't think I'm gonna make that one. We'll get you out of here before that. We got another start. There's no way There's no way. I'm gonna be packed out on that couch again. How many have you had today? Uh We opened up like 750. We opened up with 300s and 125 Here we go. Here we go. Fuck it. Oh my god Happy times

Charles brunts, I do know that I saw All the Charles Brunson movies when I was a little girl like death wish Death wish one with my grandmother like I'm talking about five years old Watching death wish I went to see death wish in the movie theater. So How old are you them? I'm gonna be 39 39. So I'm 53 So you're a little older than six not bullshit me No, I was there. Did you see Charles Brunson the movie theater for death wish? No, I didn't see it in the movie theater

I saw it on hbo Yeah, not in the movie theater, but My grandmother used to watch those movies. She used to idolize him. She used to think like She was one of those eye for an eye tooth for a tooth people So Charles Brunson was the hero because remember when the gang people were wreak habits Havoc in the neighborhood. See if you could find death wish rape scene Oh, this is one of the most traumatizing rape scenes on the mattress on the floor Oh, I don't know whether and it was eric globe goblum. This will definitely get kicked off

Go ahead find the fucking thing I'll just play the audio for the that's when I'll discover That revenge is sweet You want to see it in the movie? I went there. I was at 10 years old. You were little I was little I went to see that I went to see stone killer in the movie theater. I went to see the mechanic in the movie theater I saw The declinice would once when he was a cop the only and the one when he took the 44 magnum I'll never forget this. I went with pepe go

If your name is hosea and cuban, they your nickname is pepe pepe fell off a roof And he fucked up his leg. So he had a limp. So they called them pepe and go all right, so We went to see that movie And uh, when they when he there's one scene when he goes back into the coffee shop and he goes I've been coming here every day called dirty harry Coffee shop because they're not gonna have the rape scene here. Oh, there's none of these. All right

No, no go to uh Dirty harry coffee show was a death wish is there a way to Coffee shop scene blast. I've been coming in here every day. Yeah, that's it God watch this. This is tremendously. Well, you have never seen this either to maricy Look at this fucking savage First time I saw this my head almost exploded She's just pouring coffee in this fucking she's just pouring sugar in his coffee

What year is this lead when dirty harry came I'll have to look it up after I think it's 73 74 Now i'm a fucking kid And i'm watching this in new york city on 42nd street Don't worry about that lead. Okay, thank you All right folks, we did real good with that cop now. I want everything money washes rings everything Quick move you're coming with me mom. We will have us a little party, huh? That's why they talk to the 70s

You doing pig head sucker pig head sucker Every day for the last 10 years Loretta there has been giving me a large black coffee Today she gives me a large black coffee only it's got sugar A lot of sugar. I just came back to complain How you boys put those guns down Say what? We're not just gonna let you walk out of here Who's we sucker?

Smith Ah She's the one I think all my watches tonight. He's so badass So right here after the third black guy went down Sorry about that lady you missed the line he goes go ahead and make my dad. That is a famous fucking line So at this that he yells that the movie theater That means holy shit that killed a lot of black people Oh

He's pissed he didn't get to kill him and what's killing me about like today We don't have these type of movies We don't have an american hero No, we have superheroes and that's what people misunderstood me a couple weeks ago What I was saying, I don't like fucking superhero movies Because now we're good. We they don't do nothing. They don't do nothing We're identified with fucking superheroes. There's no fucking superheroes. Nobody's got a fucking cape Nobody's got nobody's a fucking iron man

We identified with men growing up, you know, charles brunson was a huge piece of me You know anything about me is I got an extra revenge Cell whatever the gene. Yeah, he's so all those movies were about people You know, they were doing something wrong But at the same time in their world, they were doing something right, you know I've always believed like I have all those things in my mind people. I want to stab Like I'm pissed in a way that things worked out in comedy because I couldn't kill my wife Do you know I'm saying if things wouldn't have worked out in county right now be doing 20 years and she'd be somewhere

I'm looking like Nicole Simpson when I'm missing fucking head some way, you know what I'm saying, but Things worked out looking like Nicole. Yeah, oh cool. I'm saying I'm sorry, but it's the truth You know when I first came to I came to like to kill time My my thing was to kill time. I knew I wasn't gonna ever do nothing. Commonly. I was gonna be an extra So I was just gonna kill time until I could go back and figure out how I was on the stab my ex-wife and a fucking husband That was the truth in my heart guys in my heart. That was the truth And I kept getting less and less and over the years and now my daughter don't talk to me And I'd be honest. I still want to stab him up those motherfuckers

Like every time I go to Denver, I don't even think about going to bold. I stay in my hotel room Because I know if something bad happens, I'll take that train to fucking Denver when those Rambo knives to bolder And I'll wait for her in the bushes. I don't want to do that I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. We don't want you to do that I'm too old for that shit. So it's weird like So I have that extra, you know That extra type of when somebody fucks with you a lot you give them you let them forget about it And then you go get them let him think that everything's beautiful and then you fucking show up, you know

I'm saying sometimes they even worry about me. I go. What about the people I fucked with 30 years ago? Maybe they're laying in a bush waiting for me somewhere. You know I'm saying you never know That's why you always gotta have new chucks in the fucking And some mace or whatever the fuck they have Oh, you got num chucks No, I'm gonna fucking know what a new chuck's gonna do for you in hand-to-hand combat at this age I'll tell you what one good swing dog. I ain't gonna have with a fucking new chuck one of those regulation ones Yeah, it's gonna be like one dog. You're gonna have a concussion. You're gonna hear voices for a couple weeks

I have one of those Louisville sluggers in my car. Oh, yeah, you gotta have one Somebody in the head really you gotta get a hanger No, no, no, you gotta hang and you Uh put scotch tape at the end electrical tape If they catch you it's like an illegal weapon, but boy That shiver hurts at night people don't see it coming. They don't see it. They just hear They're like this motherfucker's hit me with no new chucks. It's fucking crazy the street weapons you can have It's always nice when you're in here because it

Reminds me at home. I know I'm not crazy And I don't know if it's the Spanish side of us that grew up with this craziness and uh, you know Crazy people in your life that sometimes you're too embarrassed To tell people about the craziness in your life as a youth Yes, but sometimes like when I met you you would tell me all these stories. I would just giggle about your father's shit I would just giggle Because part of those stories are who I am. It's me. Yeah, I giggle and I get scared

I told my wife when I came home. I told her about all the fucking things Your dad would do to you. I'm like, you know, what's the scary thing is that's me I think about the same way with daughters, you know, you have to be a firm And I told you I had two friends Two Cuban girls that I grew up with their dad stopped talking to Stop talking to him one because he told the mother not to let away those shorts tell her Those shorts Because she's gonna come back here pregnant. I'm gonna fucking get the fuck out of here

And the other one lived downstairs. I don't I forget what she did. She just dated or something And he stopped talking to her What's up with you Lee that that milligram hit you yet cocksucker I can't I yeah, I'm pretty sure it's everything's Amy. I'm doing good This is a tough week for a lot of people Lee talked about it last week. He wanted to go visit his mom. I said, you know, I was busting his balls Huh, I was what's that? No, I'm listening. Oh, you're scratching one of those crud dads and you're fucking My dreads dreads, whatever the fuck the first thing you said when he came in and they're really corn rolls corn dreads. I don't fucking

This is a fucked up week for me and especially since I was writing about it today Uh, you know, it's mother's day, you know, and uh, lee was saying last week He wanted to look for it and when I went back to the house that I'm like, I can't believe lee Was letting me bust his balls about going to visit his mom. I got it But just how he was stoned and he said to me because I haven't seen my mommy I did not say mommy. Yes, I did not I would not say mommy in front of you So it's just uh And it's funny how you it's her birth. It's my mom's birthday on the night

It's my mom's birthday may night and may night is the day my godmother died my favorite one my favorite laze in the world my santeria godmother So, uh, I was thinking about it. What should I talk to you? Yeah, and you said you're doing this mother's day benefit. You take them 35 homeless mothers I know when you meet these homeless mothers. I haven't met them. Um, I found them through this organization I'm going to take them to breakfast on saturday and sunday felicia Laurie kill martin and tiffany haddish and I are going to do a comedy show for them at the improv on sunday on mother's day That's a nice thing. Yeah, you know, I miss my mom too and you know mom

No, my mom is alive, but my mom's been an addict for many years So it's not like she's been here where she lives miami So, um, why don't if you're addicted you gotta move out of miami. Oh florida. It's it's fucking Yeah, I never For years leave before you were even around or a fan of football We had a fucking horrible football player that had drug problem like me. His name is hollywood henderson Okay, hollywood henderson was drafted tremendous linebacker one. Oh fucking whatever got fired Guess who picked him up

miami He lasted a month a month. He got he got fired from miami for smoking the joint with his daughters Okay, how larry is any clarity and when they interviewed him until he's like hey I smoked the fucking joint with the store this one. You know, he's just crazy shit There was another guy. He was the fridges brother What's the fridge perry? Yeah, his brother. He had a brother that played for the broncos 60 ui's cocaine Who do you think fucking they traded them to fucking miami miami is the last place you want to go

Yeah If you have a sex addiction a coke addiction a booze addiction Any pill addiction? That's the fucking capital pills. Oh, that's absolutely. It's like the last place you want to be I can't imagine being an addict in miami and being stuck in that cycle Yeah That cycle of just trying to make rent and trying to fucking keep your fucking drug and have it alive So I don't live there anymore. I am very lucky I wake up every morning talk. You have no idea how many people I thank on the way to piss

And I think one of the biggest things I have is that I don't have to go Find the drug dealer eight o'clock every night anymore. Yeah That's something to be thankful for. Jesus christ I had fucking called for you josh woke last week and I told him I go, you know Over the years. I see all the things that were happening to me leading up to me quit And they were all pointing at a fucking dying or heart attack. My spine was starting to hurt Towards the end when I had like a quarter gram of coke left I would get shocks in my spine like somebody was stabbing my fucking spine with a knife

You know what that's like though, and then you're thinking to yourself. Well, maybe I should quit I'll throw that coke away. I ain't throwing that fucking coke away I don't care if they stabbed me 80 times in the fucking spine tonight. I'm not gonna throw that fucking coke or You know, it was 418 pounds when I quit doing cocaine. Do you know that? They were fucking cutting it with ice cream I don't know what the fuck they were cutting that coke with they were cutting it with fucking jelly sand, which is a some shit with jelly donuts get them

Wow towards the end. I was doing heroin for three months that summer. I was doing heroin Jeff whatever his name was gave me an oxy cotton one night. I had a little piece I thought I was in a fucking dialy I couldn't believe I was to that part of my fucking life So the drug thing I'm so fucking happy Jesus fucking christ, man Yeah, Jesus fucking christ. So these moms man. This is really nice that you're doing this shit And it's eight o'clock at the improps on that seven thirty seven thirty. You my girl. Are they gonna feed them there?

Felicia's we're gonna feed up. Yeah, we're gonna feed them there too. Felicia was just here on the show two weeks Oh, good. Yeah, she's gonna be on with a little soft voice and shit And mickey mouse chung. I talked to her today. She was gonna date tonight. Oh, she was I had to talk to Felicia and I have the same mother her mother Was was white and mine is Puerto Rican But we have the same mother like when I went to see her one woman show I was like That's my life From the food stamps to the pill addiction to everything it was it's very interesting how

We have such parallel lives That's a tough fucking life, man Yeah, it's a tough life It gets you somewhere maybe in the front maybe in the middle maybe at the end But it gets you somewhere. It's so cute, man, sino a la entrada a la salida. Yeah, that's but it's the fucking realities It's motherfucking, you know, and that's what people can't figure out They had they get stuck in a problem and they can't figure out how to bounce out of the fucking problem And sometimes it takes years and listen, it took me 30 fucking years to get out of the drug habit

Right 30 years how to get out 27 years of your life He you look at your life when you're in a hospital bed when you're fucking 80 and you go I gave 27 years to a coke habit Jesus fucking christ, you know, that's why if you listen to the show, I mean, you know You're not gonna quit till you're ready to quit. That's right I'm not gonna lie nobody told you tell you I I could tell you guys I made a promise to a cat and that's why I'm here I was just ready to fucking quit. I was just so frustrated with my life I was so frustrated with comedy and I knew that if I quit I would give comedy a chance for reals

You know what I am like give it a comedy a chance for reals like give your life A chance for reals. I still talk to people But I quit nine years ago and they're still doing at the same rate. I was doing it today and I can't believe it I couldn't even imagine I could not imagine doing the line of coke to my nose right now I have a great time eating animals with lee and smoking pot. This is all I need You never got the urge not even fucking close That's crazy close. I've I've thought about like what would it be like to get an a-bone?

Bring a waitress up here now today It wouldn't even work for me. I would get a nervous breakdown Yeah, I would have a nervous break so many different types of addiction too like people Look at drug addicts and think like I remember going to the hospital with my mom and somebody was saying She's not like a a drug addict. She just takes pills and I'm like no, she's drug addict Just like any other drug addict. She'll she sold the television for some perks at that's a drug addict That is that you don't have In the women with men, you know, sometimes you're addicted to that bad dude. That's your drug

But we all have addictions and addiction is is a motherfucker. It's really hard to I wasn't a bad relationship for many years and my friends call them heroin because they were like you keep going back to that Shit is going to kill you one day And that that same I had to take I had to stand up and say I don't want to do this anymore I don't want to die Because that's what what it what it felt like it felt like death was upon me So I watched my mom and I um, you know, I've done like nine interventions with her and I go back and I try to get her You know

And I'll go to allen on because the the doctor was like your mom's an addict But you're crazy because you think you're gonna you're gonna rescue her she's got to want to do it herself And so we just sit and wait and hope that one day she stops because that perk has said is real Look what happened to Prince? I never liked I never never liked I'm sorry. I said that I never understood the guilt for the allen on You know, like I never went to an allen on meeting I just had a friend

White dude in bold. What a brother and he couldn't take any more So he went to allen on meeting when I'm doing coke with him And we told me all about me while we're sitting there doing an eight ball And he's telling me that his brother's an addict and you know, he's always trying to help his brother And I'm like, what the fuck these people had more drama to this cleanliness. Shit, you know So it's it's another form of addiction. You are addicted to the addict That's what it is. It's another form of addiction You you you're addicted to the drama, you know, you are addicted to it

And it's it's the you know, it's the it's the weirdest thing in the world To watch somebody and I grew up around drugs. I grew up around cocaine and crack, you know My uncle used to buy God rest his soul my favorite uncle. He used to buy stuff from finger hut He used to order shit from finger hut all the time, right? And then we'll sell it for the drugs and one day he caught a cab to the apartment building where I grew up in And I could hear the cab driver cussing him out He ran up into the apartment and came back with the silver platter

And tried to pay the cab driver with the platter because he was a crackhead And the cab driver took the platter and started hitting him with it. He was like, well, fuck, I want my money It was crack He would do he jumped off the balcony of my grandmother's house What a fiora a porcelain knickknack and ran down the street and sold it because my grandmother would lock him in the house And he took the knickknack jumped out the balcony and went and sold it for a rock You know, I did one day my grandmother went to collect the rents And the man the every apartment that she went to they'd be like, oh, I'm sorry senior either

We've already gave your the rent to your son and by like the sixth apartment She knew he had collected all the rents She went and got the gun Because she was going to shoot him because she was like, I got I don't know what I'm going to tell the owner because he stole all the rents And he would go and binge on drugs cocaine crack heroin He would go for three or four days Disappear and then come back like nothing happened And my grandmother was waiting for that motherfucker with a broomstick and she beat him

Up and down 21st court with the broomstick until she broke the broom on him And then she said but they will come and mop them Go get the mop because the mop is next it I grew up around addiction my whole life My dad was a heroin addict. So I just I know your father to the Cuban dude No, my my real father my my stepfather never did drugs the Cuban No But my my step my real father the the one I didn't grow up with he he did heroin And it was my stepfather never did a drug he he was

He his his addiction was a different type of addiction, but it wasn't um, it wasn't drugs It's fucked up I give thanks every day that Lee I think I leave when we did the 6 a.m. Podcast And there's times I said to myself Jesus if I was doing coke with Lee When we're doing the podcast at six The first year he would have waited for me 10 times I would have called him and said Lee. I'm not coming Can you imagine you can't do anything you can't plan your life around it Lee

They can't keep his eyes open because there would be no way Lee that would get high till five And come over here at six. I'd be too paranoid to leave the house I would not even think of leaving my house Every door would be like you could be outside with the car Do you think this would become like a party place like you would just stay here into the coke here? So you could do the podcast Oh, it really got to a point where I would came here at night locked myself in the way that chair is against the door locked the windows

And I would have snored a coke in here But the killer in here is you got to go outside to go to the bathroom Which means I would have peed in those water bottles That's how nasty I am that's how nasty your addiction is. Oh, yeah Nasty I did nasty things guys One time I did an ounce of blow and I stayed in by myself for three days. I had a dog. I wouldn't welcome That dog sat in that corner crying until he finally figured out that this motherfucker ain't gonna take me out

That was one of the worst things I ever did to an animal. I remember when We stepped out he shit on the way down the stairs like he held it I wouldn't let him out. It was horrible horrible horrible You know, you do so many fucking crazy things man Breaking the people's houses at night When I ripped my hand open I was thinking of that robbery the other day when I ripped my hand open on the fucking bob boy And how fucking I tried to rip the window open and it wouldn't work and the cops came and I fucking ran 20 blocks bleeding

I had blood all over my fucking jeans and I went into this fucking out and all I worried about was getting out of that night like I owed $20,000 I owed $30,000 at that time like And I told those people that I owed the money to that was gonna have the money that night So like credit card companies or like no, no, no, there was no credit card companies in those days It was 1983. I didn't have a credit card This was the people That was boys

Like and and what would like the consequences be of you not paying on time? I mean at that time They would just give you pay plans Like I was on pay plans with like four different fucking people. Oh, so it's not like your legs broken No, no, no, you know, I owe you three thousand. I gotta pay you 150 a week until I pay the three thousand dollars That's five weeks, yeah

So there was a time I was coming up with Anywhere from a thousand dollars a week to 1250 just to keep the loan sharks on me Can you imagine that 1250 before your party starts? And I'm living on the streets selling coke and slinging half grams and trying to make eight balls and put shit together But still coming up with 1250 every week for some fucking loan shark And at the same time trying to snort and do whatever the fuck I'm doing It's a fucking horrible life, man, and I don't wish on anybody any Listen, like I said, nothing. I know for a fact that nothing you or Lee or Ada or

When somebody's going through this shit, they have to go through it on their own They've got a couple talks and shit, but if you play the game, they'll go to 55 rehabs They're rehabbing the rehab is a break Those rehabs are just a break for you. It's like it's like putting a prisoner in jail When you put a prisoner in jail like a convict like a real fucking criminal He goes in jail to learn. Yep. He learns become a better criminal he learns So when he comes it like let's say he goes in there. Let's say he's a drug smuggler But he bumps into lee and lee is an international fucking drug smuggler a guy who ships 50 pounds of fucking hour

We the fucking blow and whatever He'll learn those things now in those routes What do you think happens when a fucking drug addict goes to rehab? They talk to other drugies And all of a sudden they go you you didn't know you the fucking fake prescriptions of cvs Which one the one in studio city? Yeah, there's a chinese guy. You don't look at you know, that's it That's it. You just opened up a door that addict Just has something in their mind that if they get out of they want to use again They're gonna fucking get high trust me. I did that shit. I went to run one rehab

I went to one rehab There was a six-week rehab And I knew it was a scam at the age of fucking 27 or 28. I went to a rehab It was outpatient where you go from six to nine. Yep, and I knew it was a scam lee I was like, this is gonna be the biggest scam in 10 years and sure it did become At what point did you know it was a scam? I think it's a band aid I think when you go to rehab

It's a band aid. I'd rather take the 20 000 dollars I'm gonna pay lee to put eight in and take 10 and take lee to fucking montana And take it to a fucking cabin up in the mountains where she has to exercise And if she escapes she's got a hitchhike 60 fucking miles Yep So and there is buck station Which means she's gonna have to blow some fucking body for gas or they're gonna fucking molester because it's just cowboys up there You know and even then

It's not a guarantee. It's just a lapse in the addiction and when you don't do drugs the addiction continues to grow If I went and did coke again, it would take me a week and a half and I'd be right back doing an eight ball a night It would take me a couple nights to do a Couple bumps then maybe a half a gram then a half a gram Then maybe a gram, but that's like two three weeks I'd be right back where I was going, baby A fucking two grams a night in three snorts Two grams and three snorts. Hey, that'll kill you

The next thing you know, that's what happens is they go people go back To the doses that they were doing before and they think their body can handle it And their bodies can't handle and that's when you're gonna know day. Yeah Do you have people offering you drugs now? marijuana and edibles and mushrooms never never I'm gonna tell you what Because when you're an addict to cocaine When you're an addict to meth

When you're an addict to heroin Believe it or not what i'm gonna say to you guys you're gonna think i'm crazy But you send off a certain signal You send off a certain signal Meth people no meth people heroin people no heroin people cocaine people no cocaine people as stupid as it sounds As dumb as it sounds you're gonna look at me go joey. You're fucking retarded Well, you said earlier when you said uh People looking like what you did but just out in the morning looking for what's up

Like that's it's do you notice people like if you're just driving by you'll just be like, oh, yeah I could tell when somebody hasn't slept now I could tell because of the body language. I can tell when somebody Is on coke and I could also tell when somebody is on coke and their eyes and their nose is wide open Yeah, they're playing it cool, but they're looking for the next package Oh, I can see I can so all they're looking for is a wall on the floor a jacket hanging A purse unattended That's all they're looking for. You know, I know because I know how I would stand

I know how I would position myself. I know how I would look but Nobody in 27 years of a heroin of a cocaine addiction Not too many people came up to me and offered me heroin unless I asked for it Okay In 27 year cocaine addiction Nobody came up to me and offered me meth Whether shooting at a smoke and I know nothing about that world because nobody ever came up to me and offered it to me

You know, many people on the last You know 20 years I did coke how many people came up to me and asked me if I want to pass it A lot A lot more than any of the above When I was doing coke people wouldn't even come up to me and talk to me about reefer They would talk to me and then say hey, man, I got some fucking coke that I'll knock your fucking wig off Let's go do a line. We go do a line. We come back and you get more. Yeah, I got more in my pocket What do you want? I'm looking for 80 a gram. You got two for 150. Yes. I do boom. That's how quick the sale was with

And that happened at every city I could go into a bar and spot a coke guy within 15 fucking minutes And within 25 I'm talking to him and within 30. I either score or we're taking a ride to go get more coke Is that the fucking craziest thing Lee It's like an odor you put out that your body puts out Something it's a body language. Yeah, let me give some shout outs. I went to uh Uh Indianapolis and I and one band came in on the one night hero jr. They're fucking savages I played uh the cd today

Also cavemen came in and they'll let me a cd. I haven't listened to that one And also another guy came in left me a cd. Thank you guys. You guys, uh Are all fucking towns and I'm gonna listen to all these cds and see what your mother fuck is in indian what the indi sound is all about Also, uh true jitsu revolution.com. It's um, I make my main man, uh What the fuck I'm too fucking high right now You know I'm saying my main man matt bakers style of jiu-jitsu up in bakersfield Go to bakersfield bjj.com right now and say hello dustin baits brian newattru

henry abernathy philip cox bruno diaz kody harrell jeff gorman and happy birthday jimmy motherfucking pits and shit happy birthday jimmy cox sucker anyway So the mother's day, sorry we went off on a tangent on fucking eating pills and snorting people's assholes How you don't know what they're cock like you ready for another start that At this point, we know i'm not gonna have another start now. What are you up to right now? a 50 so you need to do

150 to bring I've done over a thousand when did you do over a thousand a bunch of times when give me the dates in the book That's in vegas a couple times And then here if you eat over a thousand times we'll give you a surprise When you put the podcast up you come get me i'm gonna take you for something that it's been a secret I was holding out for your birthday, but i'll take you over there surprise. It's open tofu too And you'll be I guarantee you'll kiss me and shit You'll say joey, how'd you know I like this stuff?

I can't talk now How are you gonna be tonight when you go home when you got the house tonight turkey sliced dead turkey It's been an essence tuesday. It smells terrible What do I have I don't have much. I don't know So where you gonna go eat you have to stop anyway. You're gonna be too high. That's where uncle joey comes through Yeah, we're gonna take me somewhere when we talk to people I'm not when do I take you anywhere to talk to people when When do I take you anywhere and expect you to talk to people you think I want to go mingle?

We just have we just had a whole fucking paragraph about mingling And you're telling me you want to fucking go mingle and shit I don't want to mingle but look at the shape of me. Do you think I want to mingle? I don't even want to talk to the waitress If there's a note I could write if there's a way I could write a note to the fucking waitress I would do it. I don't want to take you to denny's until your favorite spot and poison you because that wouldn't be nice if you're in a thousand millions You're looking for a nice steak pizza. Oh something, you know Oh my god, look at the shape I had it

Now you're a mom how many kids you got all together too With this dude And where's the ex today and uh, he lives in georgia. You communicate with him Um as minimally I don't talk to him my kids talk to him because they're older now so they can talk to him themselves. I don't know Yeah, you're divorced legally. Legally divorced. Yeah, that's it. You just started all over again and got this There's another thing me and felicia having We both talk about that. Yeah

So um, yeah, I have two kids and my kids live in california and we live far away from everybody And they grew up just like I grew up. They're paranoid and they don't know anything and I'm so happy that they're like that. They have they vary. They value our family values their old school kids Mom mom mommy is Rain supreme No, no Lisa. I don't meet up. Yeah, mom's are always the number. I mean

especially if dad's work Mom's are I can't imagine my life now. My mom was alive First off, I wouldn't be the man I turned out to be today. I would still be a soft fuck You know, I'd be a soft fuck with excuses and a safety that you know what I'm saying So sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm sad that she's dead. I always say that that I would have been Very uh, I knew how I was living that she always had my back. Yeah, so You know, I could tell her whatever. You know what I'm saying? I mean

Uh, I got left back. I never told No, how did you get away with that? Because I kept her far all the way from that fucking school I kept her far away from the school and I had a check that will reprint my report card with eighth grade on in seventh grade So he was straight for for a year or two. I had a player like I was no for a year I had to make believe I was in high school So she'd give me money for the bus the whole fucking thing. She would have killed me in front She would have found that and she was gonna find out eventually

She's gonna find out in a year or two Mom's I feel bad about all those things, you know I'm trying to write something now because like we said when you write something Uh a tv show a book or something We always try to write about something to be intelligent about but the best work you're gonna do Is what you're passionate about, you know And I always thought about what my life would be like if my mom was in it with my white wife

And the baby and how she would try to raise the baby. Oh, yeah, she raised me in 2016 That's right now between you and I I know it would work But in my wife's eyes, it wouldn't work. Right. Absolutely. You know, it just doesn't work on paper, but it works I would not let my mother do a bump in front of her. That's too much. That was just a bit much. I wouldn't let my My mom smoke pot in front of her If she had to take it to a mech game, I guess that's okay Of course it is if she had to take a shopping because she would spoil it. I guess that'd be okay

And I'd want my mom to Uh pass over that tough woman Mentality it it's not mentality. It's it takes more than getting a tattoo It's a lot more than a woman saying she's a feminist and all the words they use My mom was Cuban. She didn't know any of those words. That's right But she respected womanhood, you know I remember being older and she telling me about women who show lababaya, you know what I'm saying? Like There was something about my mom, you know, she would always say to me. Yeah, if uh, you know

You know, I don't like sucking dick, but but I do it anyway when I would say that I don't like making my bed She's I don't like sucking dick. I do it any other shit like that I knew my mother was crazy I wouldn't want to say those things around mercy, but I would want her to My mother always gave you a sense of importance That you mattered and she gave you a sense of respect and why you crying Fix your shirt. Yeah, look nice for people. You don't have to let's go get your nice shirt You know, when you after a conversation with her you were put back together

She knew how to put you back together when you lost Your fucking mind and I used to lose my fucking mind and I see mercy losing her mind today And terry adds fuel to the fire And that's why she comes over to me because I try to I work out like my mom used to work me What you crying about white beauties, you don't want people to see you crying, you know I'm saying pick up your shirt pull up your shirt You don't want people to see your titties come on sub straight But daddy and I grab her and I hold her and I want that message still and if a motherfucker fucks with you

You break his fucking head, you know All that thing of my mother really always pushed me not being a follower. Yep. Am I gonna be at that deep? Okay, you know You know, why are you doing this shit that they're doing? I don't give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? Like she You know made me believe that you have to stand up against things for yourself I don't want to do that. I don't want you know the other day the last thing I want to do is call uber Like it was the last thing I wanted to do was call fucking over Like once I call uber that puts me in a different time zone in my brain. You know I'm saying like that I cross the line There's so many things that I keep sacred that I'm trying to keep sacred for myself. My mother took a cab everywhere

You know I'm saying I was just about to take a cab and I made a mistake. I called an Armenian limousine driver They called me back and said give me your credit card number and I didn't have my wallet on me I said I'll call them later and I forgot about it. So I was embarrassed to call them back So I thought they forgot they showed up They showed up. I was ready to call uber. They called me said we're outside for your ride Bring your credit card So right now somebody's playing bingo with my fucking

Fucking bulgarian shit What else has been going on when you talk to me stand up boys. I've been working. Um, I've been in new york a lot That's why I've been you know really like uh Working my working the comedy I just recorded an album last week and uh at the stand in new york And I've been working at the cellar and I've been working at the stand Um, I did robert deniro's movie. Um the comedian. I bombed like a motherfucker In the beginning of the year, okay, and um, he selected uh

Some he handpicked certain comedians for and I was one of them And uh, we recorded at the village underground. So I've been working I've been you know, you know some of the things that I've been doing. I've been really working on my um my tv show stuff and uh Auditioning I'm going to do uh comedy central next week. I'm doing the nightly show next monday. What's the nightly show? Your friend larry wilmore. Okay. What are you doing on there? They just I'm doing a panelist I've been on it before so they look at you What I said that before

I watched it and there was the most bland fucking comedy I ever saw in my life Him and obama. First of all, I don't want to see the president doing fucking comedy. He's not a stand-up Well, it's not that he's a stand-up. He should be somewhere fighting ices Yeah, I don't want to see you on a saturday night fighting still with tuxedos and a bunch of black people And white people I said you're a fucking president enough is enough They're either on saturday live jumping up with jimmy kimmel. I want this and then you're the fucking president You're the fucking president. It's like a social thing. They've all been on late night So, you know, did you see that video he made with the vice president? I didn't like that

No, you know, and there's just enough time But that when I went back to the room saying I couldn't sleep and I had it on for a little while and I was dying to fucking bought I'm like, look at these people laughing at what? What the fuck are they laughing the funniest thing obama said That larry wilmore didn't make me fucking laugh one time. He was dying in that fucking room They didn't know what to do those white people. What do you say about trump? I don't fucking know But they act like you know, like they really like larry. They don't fucking like nobody Unless they those people want to see seinfeld

Bring seinfeld in there. He would have ripped that room. Oh That junk was so woody The watered down white people Yeah, no, I can't listen to that shit. So I can't you know, I can't I can't I'm too old It's all I don't even react to that shit. It's like Jesus christ. How bad was that? I watched him. He said a couple things that I then I read the next day. He said nigger Well, son, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Well, what's it got to do with us? Lisa. Yeah, we're on fucking 900 milligrams of that there. What do you give a fuck about right now?

Lisa, what's on your mind? see Hello I don't know what's on my mind. Nothing's on my mind. You know, I'm thinking about cheeseburgers. I'm telling the truth Well, when you brought up in and out, I'm thinking that was a pretty good place to have a panic attack. Look, you can just eat there He said did you get in line for the food? The line was too long. You know that line over there was ridiculous the people of the car the car They were the line wasn't I'm happy that you didn't get mad at me because I didn't give it to you

And virtually you said you didn't want it. So I left on the table You reached out. So I said, all right, eat what you want. I don't think you once you ate it I thought that you knew what you were doing. I'm mad at you for why you know Some people like I said, I just heard a little vibe about this about 10 days ago that A couple comedians like we like every time we go on there. We get to you know, it's like You know what man? This is just an escape for two fucking hours If you want I'll pay for your fucking Uber You tell everybody you oh my god

I got an edible. I got 180 milligram chocolate bar in my travel bag Some guy came up to me the other night in the napolis and gave me one of those chocolate bars I buy over there the ones we used to eat we used to eat 180 and split them Yeah, he came with us. I took the box and I put it in my fucking bags in case I needed one on the airplane You never know when you get an urge for chocolate on the fucking airplane. You know what I'm saying? That's right So uh Mad at you. Fuck. No, we can never get mad at you. That's why I got I got a lot of love for you because you were like, you know

Most people would have told everybody I went on the podcast and the star I ended up in the hospital. Shit. I think it's funny. It's funny. It's funny. It's funny as fuck some people got no sense of humor and No, you know, they tell everybody how they smoke dope and everything and all of a sudden they come over here to uncle joey's lair No, you know, I feel like Bill Cosby is no far from that. Come on. No I always feel safe when I'm around you. I don't feel you're too familiar to me like family That's I've never I've done a lot of bad things I've never dosed a woman's drink and not like that. I've given I've given woman asked me to tell him it was cocaine

The creepy shit like that But I never did another other shit. You did the reverse. You did that bitch a favor That shit worked like 10 times And you want me to tell you what the creepiest thing about those stories are tell me That's six of those times. I actually saw the girl's jaws moving And they would tell me how good the coke was this shit I would give them little lines of aspirin Lisa. Yeah, the placebo effect It's fucking crazy

Look at the shape of lee lee is lee is out of here. Look at the shape of lee and stuff Lee's got his hand folded like this. You see that? Oh, yeah, he's already tarred out to them. Look at He's got a little hoof hand and shit What's up, buddy? I'm already tarred out. You gave me Again, they hear what he says you gave me how to give you nothing. What do you mean you didn't give me nothing? What I give you This starts on the table you reached and you got it. Oh that man That didn't give me nothing when you talk about uh, yeah

Fuck the rest. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying about the youth of america By the way, they want to write you out and shoot. I don't understand this. He's lucky. I love this stuff I don't know anybody could be listening to da fbi the cubans The cubans listen to everything echo me there echo me there. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, those cubans listen to russian fucking rock stations and everything They don't fuck around jack Let's get to these fucking ads and we'll abandon ship here This is one of my favorites, man

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Slash joey Hold on. All right Again This whole thing for the last two years. I've been on it and I love anything to do it on it I will at least give it a shot. That's what you're into It's I'm not sitting here telling you that I go on the tea booster I'm not sitting here telling you that I go on the uh that I do the almond banana Mike gochai protein even though lee like that. I'm stuck on the hemp chocolate. I'm stuck in the on the

Oh, yeah, I'm the hemp force and what else? What's the other one? I'm stuck on the pills. They give you more energy Yeah, they shouldn't take them. Yeah, they shouldn't expose them picking me. I should take a mule. That's what works for me because I fly That's where the immune comes in And when I go to jiu-jitsu I'm a fat fuck so I need every bit of oxygen I can take So I take the shroom tech sport You know, I struggle in the end whatever but now that I'm in better shape The shroom tech is really taking me on to like when you roll and stuff like that So I'll tell you what I could sit here and tell you about a bunch of shit

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Read about the the t-booster read about all this shit and then get back to me. There's something you want I'm giving you 10 off tonight. Give me the code lead church ch u r c h Bam Gives you 10 off like a motherfucker So go to honor dot com and go look at the great line of supplements the best one of the best products I use them. I love them, especially when I lift weights. So I go to jujitsu So your balls ain't flying around Beyond these bitches whether you're wearing a suit or sweats you spend 24 hours a day in your underwear

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Felicia michaels lorry kill martin lorry kill martin lorry kill martin Is the first headline I ever opened for as a feature act You wait for me to tell you what year September of 1995 21 years I know lorry kill martin. Wow. I even drove it to the airport that weekend to be the nice feature act She was the first person I ever opened for as a feature act In a major club like I had featured before but one night is none. I'm not. This is at the fucking comedy underground

In seattle washington who the fuck you think you're dealing with So dropping mad props on all you girls for doing the show on sunday night. Thank you very much for coming down It means the world that you came down and you're doing something for mothers, you know If my mother was around I'd fucking take her down and have a laugh at you She'll be there in spirit. That's right. What's your webpage? Funny aida.com everything funny either I'll have a short film drop in tomorrow. So make sure you go to my website. Funny aida tomorrow number two This week sat sunday saturday night. I'm in san francisco with anju dice clay At the washington deed. I don't even know if that's correct the following week. I'm in sacramento at the punchline the following week

Pittsburgh. Oh shit the improv Bam just like that I'll see you motherfuckers thursday night or wednesday. Stay black. See you tomorrow. I'm periscope. Thank you for the love aida Thank you. Thank you for having me. Lisa. Yeah. Thank you bad motherfucker Lisa This show was brought to you by blue apron Blue apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door Our listeners get their first two meals for free

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Like apple brain and new mood So the guy that does the social media for So If I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave your you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, if I leave you, But if I stay with you, girl, things just couldn't be the same Cause I'm as free as hurt now

And this bird you cannot change And this bird you cannot change And this bird you cannot change Love knows I can't change Love knows I can't change Love knows I can't change Bye-bye, baby, it's the sweet love, yeah Oh, there's a feeling I can't change

But please don't take it so badly Cause the Lord knows I'm too mad But if I stay here with you, girl, things just couldn't be the same Cause I'm as free as a bird now And this bird you cannot change And this bird you cannot change And this bird you cannot change Love knows I can't change

Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, I can't change But you're my free bird, yeah Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change

Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change

Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change Oh, help me, I can't change

Oh, help me, I can't change