Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #377 - Andrew Dice Clay and Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: May 5, 2016

Andrew Dice Clay, legendary comedian and actor and Eleanor Kerrigan, amazing Comedian seen on "Andrew Dice Clay Presents: The Blue Show" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:   ScoreBig - When you go to ScoreBig.com, use prom code: JOEY. to get $20 off of your first order. Also check out the Score Big IPhone App.   Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey and download the Free Headspace App and start your Take10 10 day free trial .  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/04/2016.


All right, I got I got sound This show is brought to you by score big the next time you want to go see any show or sporting event go to score big first Go to score big and enter promo code Joey at checkout and you'll save an extra $20 off of your first ticket purchase and Go check out the score big app for your iPhone Score big comm slash and use promo code Joey to get the $20 off of your first order And the show is brought to you by headspace go to headspace comm slash Joey and Download the free headspace app and begin their take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation That's headspace comm slash Joey and the show is brought to you by on it comm go to on it comm

It needs code word church to save 10% on all of their optimization products. That's on it in code word church Oh The fuck you think you're dealing with Wednesday night May 4th Set the Mexicans free cock suckers. It's all over synchro the fucking my oh Andrew Dice clay Eleanor Kerrigan and my main man the flying Jew and little brother Lisa. Yeah, I

Don't know what the fuck you're doing, but whatever you're doing. It's over Oh Shit seven stars deep tonight me and Lee 750 milligrams out of respect for Andrew Dice Clare. I might even open up another one Lisa. Yeah We might have to what's happening. I'm already having a great time Fucking phenomenal nice This is like the greatest thing I've ever done in about 15 years It's like it's not because but besides the fact that when he hit that music

I'm bobbing along because I'm all fucking stoned out already with with Joey D. Joey Coco and the flying Julie and Eleanor Whoa, I got a chick. No, but um, but it's this set up. I like this. Yeah, the vibe is great This is like what I like in my house. This is like what my room looks like with the light. That's what I like That's who I am the ambiance she'll tell you yeah I don't know lava lamps and like, you know, that's psychedelic kind of feel to it. It's like it's like No, we don't we need a lava lamp

Wheels always tell you got to get a lava lamp. Yeah, no, no, I Got to get you a lava lamp. There you go. Where do you get the lava lamp? Hey, nobody you can't get them That's what's the question Joey. I know I just I'm always curious. No, no, I'm all about the fucking lava lamp Are you counting in your there's eight nine if you count my closet, you know, cuz I got a walk Yeah, the closet's great closet's like a lounge in my in my bedroom, you know, but Wheels puts it the best my friend wheels, which you know, people are going whose wheels, you know It's one of my opening acts and and he's my first best friend, which I don't know But he tells me weird. No cuz we're talking about the lavis. He goes, you know, it's one thing to want to bang a lot

He goes but when you bang he goes It's an absolute production number just in your bedroom Like Max would talk about it like, you know, cuz I used to know Eleanor like in that way and Like in between Eleanor and Valerie, you don't say it was like say what that's a terrible thing to say in between like Well, I'm not looking to embarrass you in any way. What's too embarrassed. There was like 15 girls in between maybe more But that that's what I'm talking about. Okay. Yeah, so Eleanor would get me these girls That's true. No, no, but the bottom but but she knows like first hand like the room's got to have a vibe I'm not like the type of guy that just wants to do not like boring. Yeah, it's like an event

And and it's instant when it starts getting dark a different Combination of lights goes on every night because I can't live with a dimmed down little dimmer with the end table lamp I mean, it loses the luster, you know with whatever check you with after a month You know, so I always have different combinations of light. So I gotta get Joey D Absolutely, let me tell you there's always music 24-7. Oh, even if it's low, you know, I mean that it's just going Because that's what life is. You got to just keep going. Yeah, you know, so I keep there's always a soundtrack going on in my house When you were young growing up, was there always music on it? Mm-hmm. What was on in the house in those days? 78 well well when I get up like to have coffee with my mother

People always asked me like so Did your father have that mouth and that attitude? It was really my mom You know, she said at the kitchen table. I wake up on another day. I just found an excuse not to go to school And she wouldn't bother me with it. She got you know, pour some coffee and she'd be smoking like a 120 She smoked these like virginia slims And Sinatra would be on there was a William B They would call this DJ and he would play Sinatra for hours at like Sirius does it now. Yeah in bro

You know, so that's what would play you know You know when you get up in the morning like 12 1 whatever it is You know because she was a late riser too. So that's why I could get away with not going to school You know, and then I come out of my room. I go I can't I can't believe I like forgot to go over there Forgot to go and look it there's there's no flurries. You really want me out in that And she loved the company so she'd go, you know, I pour a cup of coffee You know, and we've been listening to Sinatra

She gets hungry for cock at eight. I don't I don't think those are the words that's different This is different words Do you you reminded me of this shit when when I did joe's podcast when you started singing The contents of my ball is on your face. It's my wedding song. The bottom of your ass Is a very fine place You have a great voice You really can sing and then we swing she gets hungry for cock at eight I always I grew up in a house with music on

And this house i'm living on does not have music. I have music in the room. No, you gotta have So besides the lava lamp, I gotta get you something to play music. No, no, I broke this over here. See that was my little I got that the exact one fucking tremendous. You put the it's amazing. Yeah, and it blasts that'll blow Blast and I brought it over here I do want to say because we just like got into the music and everything but I got to say I'm thrilled to be on your show. Oh I've been looking forward to it. I know we got to postpone our gig, you know in san francisco But we'll make it up. But yeah, and I was excited about that because I what was they telling you on the phone about him

What he's gonna do And then what I'll do and destroy them. Yeah, and he told he said I'll tell joe Don't leave nothing. Yeah, I'll say don't leave anything so I could just sort of come out and relax No, relax. He likes to come out and just ride that way, you know Yeah, I'd rather I'd rather come out if they were kill like ellen was a killer on stage I've been telling her lately. Yes. I go, you know, it's becoming like hard to follow Because you know, I I got when I come on stage. I got a nothing I don't care. I don't care if you got a standing. Oh if they if you just crush him

I'll I'll take my applause because they feel they need to do that And and then I'll just go to nothing. I'll take a few minutes just to walk around relax It's almost like he resets the room. Yeah, you gotta reset it time How many years of stand-up? Uh, nearly 40 40. Wow. Do you know what the experience is? He could control the room when he used to We'd be behind the comedy store and he goes tonight. I'm gonna go up there and watch I'm gonna do I'm not gonna talk Am I gonna talk?

Yeah, I would go home like and say let's say like this isn't for me Why why don't you want to go up there and talk? Jesus Christ? I don't know how many times that too I can't believe we got me stoned out before we ever give me give me another hit And I'm in a cloud of smoke. Oh, yeah But uh, maybe you'll hire me I don't know what's happening in here control on stage. All right. Let him confidence. Absolutely Uh Listen man, there's a couple people who break down comedy for you and Andrew's one of those people like

Behind the comedy store on those stairs with the cousin Oh, yeah Fucking Don Barris and he would just school us on little things and I would go home and go What the fuck was he talking about? Because he was telling me about things like I wasn't ready for I was five years ahead Yeah, I was five years behind of getting to that control But when he told me about the fucking I'm gonna go up there and not say dick That's how I became a storyteller Lee

Yeah, because I went home and took that on to the belly room one night and said that's the control level Not saying dick for years. You could tell an amateur comedian. He wants to run up there and tell his material Yeah, I've seen people go slow down. No matter you could like listen Isis could come into the comedy store And blow up the corner and Andrew come up And wait and suck them into their world. Just it's a fucking gift. No, it's true. It's a 40. It's a 20 It takes about 11 to have the balls

To fucking, you know, especially in a big room, you know, Tuesday at the librarians club Don't mean dick to nobody But in front of 200 people on a friday at the store when you're just following Margaret show whoever, you know, it's a hot night Yeah, yeah the control I would I was the guy that always followed eddie murphy You know at first I'd have to you know beg mitzi to do it You know, but then I was her guy like to follow robin williams robin williams eddie murphy and richie pryer when he came back from the burn incident You know if you know after that

and Honestly, I didn't think twice I just I don't know what it is about me I just look at everything as a challenge You know, and and and I've told this story before when um The last time I did the Howard Stern show He says to me

Because even after all these years I still baffle him, you know, I just see it in his face I mean, he's the greatest but I still get him with shit because he says this is like After the woody thing happened and and people were going now you're gonna win the academy award all this and I'm like no, I'm not I just wanted to do a great job And and that's how I really feel about those things But after I did woody, you know, because I already did another special I did entourage the final season So the woody thing like blew it up And stern is asking me he goes all right. So let me ask you a question dice. He goes

You'll build your career to an absolute pinnacle And then you'll destroy it Like why would you do that? And my answer was For the goof Yeah, just to see if I can go do it again And there's no guarantee of that No, but you've done it like yeah, and now I'm at that point again. That's what's going on now

But I'm not gonna blow it. I I'm not gonna blow it for the goof. Do you remember 10 years ago? Everybody kept saying that they were gonna release the fucking marlin brand old tapes of him teaching an acting class in the valley Oh, that's hilarious. No, yeah for a while before he died It was a very secret acting class and he taped all the classes And for years people were gonna release him where we thought that man, jule Was not putting a camera on those stairs Oh my god, because that was my college 101. You told me a story that You're at the store one night and that they call you at the house and they're like, hey, it's michael douglas

He wants to go do a movie. Oh, no He wants you to go on the fourth of july and don't bring a jacket and then you you kept smoking in the makeup chair No, no, I'll give you that No, no, I don't know from the beginning they call no, this is who has quarry. Okay. Okay Princess quarry calls me and says Who's princess quarry? You don't want to know What do you mean? You don't know

He's 27. He doesn't know princess quarry She used to be the town coordinator on this show. I'm so fun. No, I know Oh, no, I know I'm helping them the listeners. Did she used to be the town coordinator at the comedy store? Yeah, because you two are so high right now at least sleeping. I think I don't know what he had me smoke But but even if these colorful lights weren't here, I'd be seeing them Yeah, yeah, he doesn't smoke anything like like I feel like I'm in a doors video I don't know what's happening right now. I'm not taking another hit of uh, joey coco's pod. I'm sorry

He's so high right now. It's hysterical to look at me too. I'm I don't know. So wait, so princess quarry called you princess quarry calls you Town coordinator at the comedy store and then go ahead. Okay. It tells me that This director that michael douglas is looking for me All right, so I call him up. I can't even believe I'm getting a and you know, I've already done like I've been in the business like 1990 2000 it could be 2000. Yeah, so I'm like, okay So I go in and I read for the party goes. It's a formality

I got I got no problem reading for the part. It's with you, you know, it's michael douglas movie It was called one night at mccool's So I get the fucking part Which I was thrilled to get And now they send me to meet wardrobe In the valley, which was cool was right over to hell from bevelie hills. I went with trini. They checked me out with makeup And

The makeup girl says to me You know, um, you're gonna be in makeup about two hours a day because we put these tattoos on you I go, yeah, no problem as long as I could smoke And this is a long time ago already And she goes, oh, well, there's no smoking in the trailer I go, well, there's no way I could sit for two hours and not have a cigarette You know, so, you know, if we got to get our own little trail, let's just do that But you but this was also a time where people were still like if they didn't like dice

You know, they you know, they would they would look to attack and I'm trying to be nice haters big haters So, um, so now I get another call in a few weeks and I'm sitting out at my pool Let me lay it out for the people. I had a big mansion in bevelie hills On an acre and a quarter Which is like unreal. I mean, I'm from brooklyn You know what I mean? I I didn't grow up on an acre and a quarter of just grass Was unreal. Yeah, so I'm at the pool with uh with my wife triney

People you gotta understand I'm all fucked up right now If I'm telling you a little slow, it's because I'm all stoned out. Okay So anyway, the greatest part in the world, by the way, if you joe you should start selling the pot on the show Oh, please that's the next I would pay a lot of money for that. This is so any your dealer I'm so any so anyway, I get a call. We're sitting at the pool max is a little baby dylan's a little baby And I get a call. They want to see me in wardrobe and makeup And I go, yeah, okay. I'm coming right over and they go. No, we'll roll the way out like they were like an hour away somewhere Oh, jeez. I'm going are you fucking kidding me with this?

I gotta get in the car. So you see how a shirt looks on me You know, I'm sitting at a pool here But I'm like, all right. I don't I don't want to have a problem with michael dogless, right? So now I go Because I'm always making friends I'm just always making fucking friends. So I drive all the way out there and again You know the makeup lady starts with me. Well, we're not going to be able to have your own trail I go, then let's just sit the fuck outside. How does that sound when you put the makeup on? We'll just sit outside

So now I get a call From michael dogless And he gets me on the phone and he goes, you know, I don't know what's going on You didn't start filming yet And I go, yeah, what what's the problem? He goes, well, I heard you antagonizing You know the makeup and the wardrobe women and I go They're starting with me

I I'm the nicest guy in the world when I'm not on stage, you know And they're starting with me. Tell me what I'm gonna do how I'm gonna do it He goes and he goes, you know, let me tell you something dice He goes, I went to bat for you on this film. I go, well, who the fuck asked you to You know, I don't know you, you know what I mean I'm glad you want me for your movie But I didn't say, hey, you got to go to bat for me and tell people that you want me for this fucking movie

I go and I didn't do nothing I go look I go Mikey I know he liked that. I think he liked it because he didn't say Yeah, so like I called Donald Trump I called Donnie, you know, I'm the only one that calls him Donnie So anyway, I go look Mikey Take it easy I go, I'll straighten everything out when I come there. Don't worry. I got this covet And he goes, okay, because you know, I really want you for this film, but you know, I can't have, you know, anarchy on the set

You know So this is what I do You know, I would mix I would make all these mix tapes. Oh, yeah, and the movie was called One Night at McCool's So I make them the morning tape, which as I told you earlier, it's sort of we're doing a call back here So the Sinatra stuff It's the McCool's morning tape that they could play in the trailer Okay, all the Sinatra Tony Bennett

Bobby Darren Louie Prima Liza Manelli singing and the world goes around and around and around Okay Now they got the McCool's after lunch tape meaning nighttime Which is all the 70s disco leading to crazy house music

So I come in there not only with the tapes because I didn't know the setup. I buy them these giant fucking boom boxes That light up All right So we put on the music and now here comes Matt Dillon. He's the star of the movie And he shuts the tape. He just comes into the trail and he puts on some fucking oddball shit You know like artsy And I look at that and I I love the Dillon's both of them, you know And match the you know the greatest but I said, what are you doing?

You know, he goes no, I want to listen to this. I go. Yeah, but who asked what you wanted? Look what we were all doing. I go to six people in here. We're putting the fucking tape on it took me hours To make that tape. We've got a problem. Do you make the tape? Yes, it's very What? You made the tape. Yeah, I would take cds and I had a mixing board so I'd use two cds If you date him we'll make you one too. Yeah, I got a couple of them and I mix it onto cassettes So it's like like a real dj

Okay So so bottom line is matt really didn't give me a hard time because everybody's looking at him You know and I said look at the boombox. I bought these fucking people. It's beyond belief You know, but I did decide at that time To fuck with matt dillon for the rest of the shooting of the film and um He did a movie Oh, wait, I gotta finish what happened. Oh, wait. Oh my god. I will come back to michael douglas. No No, because that's the end now

So I get these boomboxes. I play the music for everybody. I straighten out fucking matt because he know You know, I'm dice. That's it. You know, we're gonna listen to what I want to listen to and um But he's the coolest guy, but I did keep questioning. I'm about to see in the movie my bodyguard It was a constant Okay, he's a bodyguard remember the bodyguard he did it like when he was like, no Oh, he was a kid like 19 years old. Whatever. He did a movie the bodyguard my bodyguard My bodyguard where he's like this tough guy And he picked on this like nerdy kid and the nerdy kid got a this monster of a bodyguard

So then matt dillon gets his version of that guy and and what happened is Matt dillon's bodyguard You know through this motorcycle in a lake That the nerd's bodyguard like really took time like this old fucking bike You know motorcycle and he threw it in the lake in the movie So I come over to matt dillon, but you know, I stay on it and I go matt. Let me ask you something I go, you know the movie my bodyguard

I said, you know, you know the movie my bodyguard Oh, no, I'm fucking I'm showing him matt dillon in the movie We don't have to go to the internet. Okay So you can see the matt dillon's face How young he is why I don't go out with you no more I'm thrilled that we don't go out anymore. No, this is why because when I'm doing something you start doing something Well, I'm trying to get to the point of the story, but you tell us You don't know the point. I do know the point

No, you know the movie got you high is what you did. You know the movie. I know exactly what All right, so the bull boxes are lighting up. No, no He's going at the matt dillon Wait a minute. So so I say to I say yeah, I know the show. I know the movie. I know, you know the movie So I go over to him and I go, you know that scene in my bodyguard We're Mike Throws the motorcycle In the in in the lake

And he goes, yeah, and I go like, you know, like what's up with that? He goes, what do you mean? What's up with that? I go You know, they clearly weren't bothering you guys You know And you sent him over and he just throws them out. I mean this guy Just to find one part for this bike took him like five years. Yes That's right. And he goes, so what do you want to know? I go like, what's up with that? Why'd you do that? And he goes like the wires like his wires in his mind were like

He goes dice you we're doing a movie together now. Like what do you mean? What's up with it? I go no, there'd be no reason You know, you got your bodyguard the kid had his And for no reason this guy's going over and starting in Like why would he do that 20 years later Fucking cracked But you know who I really cracked this fucking stiff. Yeah, you have to tell that. Yeah, there's fucking stiff

Who's in the movie? I can't think of his name and it's not about his talent Paul the fuck is his name? He had that sitcom movie Paul riser Paul riser, right? All right, so you know Paul before I know Paul since he started, you know, Paul, you know good guy Great comic. He's you know, he's very you know He's fucking affected by like what he does. I don't know. It's the only way to say it. He's very serious You know, so he's on the set and at the time he was doing all these at and t commercials Okay

No, like he had it was a huge deal for him giant. Yeah, so in between the scene You know, I'm sitting next to him at this bar in the scene And I I go, you know that thing you're doing like with at and t that's like that's a good deal You got going on there. Like I wish I had that He goes, no, it's really it's very lucrative. You know, I go So let me ask you something. What are they like just like deliver crates You know like of these phones. It's like a five-year-old like for your friends and everything with a five-year-old and he goes They don't give me extra phones

I go you didn't put that in your deal like Like you get like a crate of phones for like your family and your friends He goes, no, it's just a money deal. You know, I go Well, let me ask you this truthfully because this is when there was also like, you know The house phones were big too still and I go. So what happens like what do they got a guy like at at and t like when he sees your bill He like makes it disappear when they're going through And he goes, what are you talking about? I go, you know, like when you send in like the the check with you know, the bill Like they must have your name up somewhere that when they see that they just like rip it up and you know

No I don't go and I would have that, you know, why would I pay for my phone if I'm helping them out getting them customers? So now what Paul riser would do is When it was time like not to be on the set he'd never come out of his trailer. He didn't want to see me You know, so I would you know, he likes at that time he likes smoking cigars and uh So I would like just bang on his dressing room door just to jolt him onto the trailer Because I know he's like all chill inside with the cigar and I'm like, fuck you and I'm banging on the door And I'd actually run away. So we would never

Unless he listens to his podcast. He never knew that was me So now he's at home like mother. So wait a minute. So now that I've made some friends on the set The craziest part's common because max my some max and john goodman's wife Gave birth the same not my some my max didn't give birth. He was born Trini gave birth to max and john goodman's wife

Gave birth to their daughter the same day Okay Now I didn't know that I come up, you know Trini has the baby. They put you in like one of their like You know hospital rooms for a few days. Yeah, and um, but I had All these armed security guards on max like xfbi You know because I was getting a lot of death threats at the time. What was the height of his career? Yeah, it's when I was doing the arena. So there were two guys We're all the little babies are with the black suits on and you know like who to find and then there's two guys on Trini's bedroom

Because I had some serious threats at the time so I I come walking down the hallway, you know, and there's john goodman standing outside. I guess his wife's room And he sees me and he goes Oh Now I get it You know now he gets it like he didn't understand why there were all these aren't like they're carrying glocks these guys It's newborn babies like what's going on up here

You know, and that's how I meet john goodman now a few years later actually Five years later because it was going to be max's fifth birthday is when I was doing the one night at mccool's And he was the other star in a movie and john goodman's the greatest He's one of the greatest actors of he's just a great guy But you know I could ruin anything Wow And so max's fifth birthday is coming up. So we're making a big birthday party So I say to john

I go, why don't you come over with your kid and your wife and whoever you want I'm making this giant fifth birthday party. You go and he goes. Yeah, that sounds great. Whatever So he wasn't at the party Okay So and and that was no guarantees coming to the party and I know that but I love to I can't help it I need something to do on the set when I'm not filming So I see john goodman and I sort of give him a little attitude. Yeah, how you doing, you know And he goes, no good. You're right

I got an eye, you know I don't want to say nothing, you know remember We were going to share the birthday parties And he goes No dice. I said, maybe we'll come by, you know I said everybody I had over a hundred people to everybody was waiting for you Even the batman I hired hung out

And and the power ranger hung out because john goodman is coming I mean that while the celebrities there, you know, but the point is Your daughter's five max is five and you know, we'll stand around quitting the last thumbs Waiting for you and you just say fuck you dice Fuck you. Fuck your family And he's looking at me going I'm not that kind of man If I told you I was it was like in passing conversation like did I take your address? He says, you know, I go it's not the point the point is you said you're gonna be there

And yet now he's looking at me I think the guy's like, you know, he's starting to get heated up and he's like Well, look if I make plans to do something I go through with those plans But we to make definite plans I go, you know what? Matt Matt was right next to me. Should I go get him? He's go Matt Dillon I go you think the guy felt like he was on fucking trial Getting his morning coffee, you know, and then I look at him and I go, I'm just fucking around

How you doing everything good? Is this like a first thing Monday morning? Yes immediate How did you get seven in the morning that film and do so well? Well, I have all those people hating you because I played two characters And second one try to kill everybody With a machine go Yeah, yeah, that was a good scene. So anyway with Michael Douglas when he shows up on the set because of the boombox is in the tapes All of a sudden he's got his hands over my eyes and he's like guess who that's happened twice in my career With the guess who one was Travolta one was Michael Douglas

so He goes guess who and he goes What what has happened on the set? He goes people are more excited about you being on the set than Matt Dillon Like what happened? Everybody's turned around. I said, I told you it's all gonna be good. I got the disco tape I got everything's you know, I mean I get the boomboxes. I know how to come to a set I go it was just that makeup girl go go straighten her out So me and Michael get kind of tight, right? So after the movie he's gonna take um

Catherine What? Oh, it's just funny that Catherine Zeta Jones. You're right to to Europe for her birthday Oh, yeah, so I'm smart, you know I like the guy. I want her to have a great birthday So I make him birthday tapes for her It does make a hell of a tape. No, wait a minute. I make a birthday tapes Then I go to a um

A sex shop I figure I'll do a little shopping for them You know and I buy her this this hot fucking number. I know how she looked at it every fucking detail That's the worst thing you can do to buy lingerie for their wife or yeah, but this wasn't normal lingerie This was no Victoria's secrets of Fredericks. This is the real deal. This is me going to the street I know I understand what you're saying, but you don't think that's offensive like to buy a woman. Did you ever see her? Yeah, yeah, we all did. Yeah. Yeah, she's hot. I've seen exactly. So what am I gonna get a a robe a terry cloth robe I got her so you're okay with this if somebody bought terry lingerie. You'd be like, oh, thanks. Hey terry go put that on

Oh, you know what? He's loving the story. Can you let the man love the story? All right fine. Go ahead All right, you're buying her Can't so I find that this hot fucking number I could just see like how her ass cheeks would stick out because that's you know in movies appropriate You know, I studied her a little in like uh that one she did like it was not cabaret. What was it? Chicago? Chicago, so I saw her in some outfits. I'm going. All right Tits they're not the biggest thing in the world, but I can make them look great You know, I mean they're nice. They're normal. They're regular big tits

They're not like, you know kettle bowl tits or anything like that That you're looking at what the fuck is that it's an actual Fucking tits banging between your head, you know, I mean so I get it in negligee and then I pick them up You know some like, you know the best lube in the world It's the kind of lube that if you put a little on your fingers It'll be on there 10 years from now. It doesn't dry. It doesn't believe in getting dry. This is true. I still have some Yeah, I'm not gonna say the name of it unless they want to pay me a million fucking dollars But I call it silk, but that's not the name of it because that's what it feels like. Okay

So I get them that I throw a toy at two and just to you know, make the box look right a couple things that You know vibrate a little with stuff like he can't go into this place and get it So I figured this so I give him the box to give her right So now I'm watching tv Okay, it's not even kidding and it's like one of the entertainment shows like entertainment Tonight and they're showing her birthday party

In a disco in europe with shawn connery And michael douglas is talking about how they're playing dice's disco tapes That's what's being played in this discotech right because I really blend them and mix them And uh, and then I get a call from mikey Saying it was the greatest fucking birthday. She's ever had I go tell me you got to tell me how'd the outfit look he goes it fit perfect I go and the other thing I put in there

The silk And he knew exactly what he's doing. He goes it's you got to tell me where it's I told him like where to get it Yeah, I go, but you know, I don't know if you should go in there So you call me and I'll get you like a dozen bottles, whatever That was the end because it makes sense for him to go in there No, let me ask you something man, but I love that guy, you know Did you ever fucking think like you told me once that you started out as a travolta impersonator Yeah, did you ever think like now you have your own show and show time all that's surpassed

Did you fucking ever think This all started With your dad driving you to fucking beat your volt that that's some roller skating rink of snow No, it pips is where I started this comedy club the Jerry Lewis into Travolta Honestly, I I just got to tell you the truth. I believed I was going to be as big as I became Really from the very beginning that was not That was not a hair of a doubt

What I was what I was meant to do it's more of a spiritual thing in me that I know from really young and This time around Is Like I mean that was insane, you know the arena days like uh, like I was telling uh, yeah Tell them because there's a lot of people who are young. Yeah, you're allowed to talk, right? Of course, I'm allowed to talk. Um, but What does that mean? I know I'm not he is allowed to talk. No, you're a good guy and

Occasionally, he's the man I like him a lot. I love you. I want to hear Lee's question It's not a question, but it was just because I asked Joey we were talking before the show I said, could you Compare him to anyone now just like big like Celebrity wise because we were watching the dice. Well, I thought you might stand up wise And I didn't want to give you the wrong figure He had said the figure on jre

And I just didn't remember and I didn't have time to we he was coming I didn't want to show up and we'll look at his numbers up or whatever. Oh, okay So I wanted to so leave it. No I want to lead understand least You know, Lee what year were you born 88? Eww All right, the the Rodney danger field special I was on That blew me through the roof

at February 13th sadly, February 13th 1988 When's your birthday july 20th? I wasn't okay. So you weren't even born yet But I know what that special was going to do because I was really prepared for it you know, it's like I've never been the guy when you tell me you're gonna give me an opportunity I mean I build it in my head and I take it to a certain level That there's no there's no stone left unturned. Okay

So when I got the Rodney special and I'll never forget getting it because I went on at the comedy store to showcase from And then, you know, you want to hear from him. Did I get it? Didn't I get the special because his specials made like kennison and And Seinfeld and rosanne and all these big time comics You know And so when when I showcased I came over to Rodney who you can't get a straight answer from And I'm going so Rodney. What do you think? You're wild man. Okay I'm going no, but did you like it? You know

You're all right, man. Okay Funny, you know, and I go, yeah, and I'm following so now I wait. I don't want to bust his balls But it did get to the point where I said, hey Rodney, you got to tell me am I on the show Do I got the show and he goes, you're gonna be great, man. Okay You're gonna be great So I get ready for this fucking thing like I'm going for the heavyweight championship I'm doing physical training on top of going on every night at the store I didn't care if it was a packed house. I didn't care if there were two fucking people in the room

I wouldn't care if the room was empty Just that I could practice because the one thing I I I knew Was anybody being filmed getting a shot of a lifetime is gonna be a little nervous I'm gonna be a little nervous So I don't want to worry about the jokes. I don't want to even think about the material All I want to think about is the performance What people are seeing in the houses and

I knew the first night So when I got dressed now now I do the Rodney show We stayed at the Regency in New York And I was with Trini and I put on the whole outfit I wore with this giant fucking Holly Davidson buckle the glasses everything And I said to Trini you meet me at the club. I want to walk the street and feel it I'm gonna walk there Let me tell you something when I walked down that fucking hotel you could feel people looking

You know it was like a fucking superhero coming down it the buckle Is the size of my license plate on my car Okay, the glass is a bigger than my head whatever So I come walking into danger fields and they're just setting up and Rodney's there and he comes over and he goes How you feeling man? You know and I look at him I go Tonight they get disciplined Tonight Rodney they pay

And he looks at me and he goes Okay, man, they're gonna be disciplined. Okay, you know, I'm mad at anything. Oh, yeah You know, he goes and he just kept repeating they're gonna pay tonight. Okay. I got that, you know And I knew after the first show and it was funny because um You know Barry Sobel was on that special. Oh, yeah, and he tried to wear motorcycles. Right. That's right You know and Rodney goes over to him and he goes, what are you wearing tonight, man? And I'm gonna wear this He goes if you're gonna wear that you're not gonna be on the show. Okay. Go get your baseball jacket

You know dice wears the leather, you know and um Yeah, and Sobel's like all day like he's just gonna slaughter You know and I'm like so fucking I just want the camera on I just want to introduce the world to dice and it's exactly what I did And the show aired like I said February 13th 88 And within months I was on sale at my first arena was Nassau Coliseum Which is 18,000 seats My agent who is a rock and roll agent then it's awful

You know handles Billy Joel to this day metallic or all these giant rock But even he was like, why do you think You could sell he goes Billy Joel Sells out Nassau cause I called him up. I said, what's the play? I did 1500 seats in Manhattan a place called town hall No, I call him and I go. What's the place like Madison Square Garden, but not the garden and he's going well, uh You got Nassau Coliseum out in Long Island, but Billy does that Comics don't do that

And I go, well, why not? He goes you just did 1500 seats. Why would you think you could do 18,000? But anyway, he gets Ron Delzner one of the biggest promoters the world's ever seen to uh To do it, you know without putting any money down on me. He goes, you know, I'll give you guys 90 percent of the door You know, because he wasn't good, you know, guy did me with 1500 seats I'm talking about 18,000. We sold out in 43 minutes Jesus gone. How did you how did you I just

Just a big ad in the newspaper. There was no internet. There was no tweeting. So no radio. No, you didn't do No radio. Okay But I'm saying like today it's all with the twitter twitter and Facebook and I didn't follow anybody You know, they just followed me into the arenas because they never saw anything like it I never saw anything like it other than in rock and roll with with Elvis. That's that's how I learned stand up by watching Elvis and Watching him perform and other great People like that like, you know in drummers. It was buddy rich. It was gene krupa

You know, and then it was actually ringo star to turn me on to the drums and then I got into those guys What is your first thought when you when you just first here? You sold out 18,000 seats in 43 minutes. Yeah, that's crazy. Well, I was I was in vegas at the helton Doing like I had to do like a show for a video company that was going to put my video out because we made a deal ready for my special And um, which was the dice man comet and So I was in the helton halt tell room. Oh, it's gonna sound funny

Sleeping in the same bed with my buddy hot tub johnny Because we had to be there for the one night. So they gave me the suite. So we had like a pajama party and The phone rings. This is hysterical and johnny picks it up and it's my agent denis And johnny's like, yeah, hello Yeah, oh, hold on denis. He's right next to me and i'm looking at him like you fuck. What do you mean? I'm right next to you We're in bed We're in a king-size bed, you know

So denis tells me you sold out man 48 minutes or 43 minutes, whatever it was And And that's when we now just went on tour the dice rules tour, which was a 26 city arena tour Which sold out in I don't know a couple hours Every tour would sell out in a couple hours. It's crazy It was the craziest thing I ever went through in my life because of what happened with the press That they came after me

Like I like I was an ex-con or something not a comic It was the most ridiculous thing I even I couldn't even fight it because i'm like, what is this? You know, so i'm trying to entertain the fans and you got the press You know going at the comedy of hate and i'm going it's anything but hate it's the comedy of How much I love pussy really and I and I did some gay jokes that weren't gay bashing It was just that time In america where gays were coming out of the closet. So it was a funny subject matter

Like today they call it Like cross-gender You know what I mean, it's transgender transgender But I would you know back then may I'd call them trans testicles Right I go you meet the girl your dreams your wine or your dine or you put your hand up a skirt You're holding a tree trunk. What do you do then? You know, it's just a joke You know when I would talk about bisexuals I go

What do you do wake up in the morning flip a coin heads? I want hair pie tails Balls across the nose They were just funny jokes You know, but but because it was that time like ellen came out of the closet at that time So so it was very it was a very sensitive time. So everything I did was put under a microscope You know, but I wouldn't bend. Why would I fucking bend? You know what I mean? I'm I'm entertaining. I entertained over 12 million people in arena shows That's a big deal to make people laugh like that

And you know, it's it's it was a crazy time, but I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I'm the first the original You know, and there've been a few guys that you know People always bring up Madison Square Garden So first and that's a big deal because it's the most famous arena in the world But I go, what about the other 299? You know, I mean, what about the other 12 million people? You know, but the garden was was a spectacular It was complete pressure on me because it wasn't just that I did two shows

They were also filming it for a movie So it was the stress and pressure Of making the garden like I've been there a hundred times only I wasn't You know into a movie, you know an actual concert film I mean Eddie Murphy did uh, which one in not in the main room of the garden He did the paramount which was like 6200 seats, right? I'm doing 18,000 people and Even Eddie Murphy would ask like how that how you know, he was always a fan He was he's one of the greatest ever and

He would go, how do you sell out 20,000 seats a night? I go, what do your movies make 400 million? I'll switch You know, I don't got a problem switching But I studied bigger than life performance And like the attitude I have on stage Just to tell you something like I told you how I studied Elvis right king of rock and roll leather Right, then you had guys in film You know like like James Dean and Marlon Brando

And then when I got a little old it was Travolta and Stallone, you know, but you know That image was done on tv with with Henry Winkler playing the funds, but that image that that bigger than life Attitude image was never done as a comic And because I liked acting, you know, I would use the comedy story. I just wanted to develop my acting chops I didn't even care about stand-up You know and the dice thing took off

It was fucking nuts You know, but but to me it's like acting. It's just playing, you know I don't walk around with 9,000 rhinestones on but on stage. I'll wear it because I know They're not going to see their neighbor in that. You're not the guy next door You know, and I just wanted to create a bigger than life persona a comedic hero for people to really laugh And the people that got the joke that it's so ridiculous. There's so many loopholes in every joke. I never I don't write down material. I don't work on it. I go on bare

and bits develop over time, but It's organic, you know, my rehearsals for my shows Or when I actually do the concert because I don't know what's going to happen You're like that too, joe. You go up there and destroy people I'll find the guy And I always name him joey. Yeah, and I just dig into his life And all this shit comes out You know, like if I'm dealing with a guy and let's say

It's married 37 years Right, I see what the wife looks like sitting next to him Just fucking awful. It's nearly four decades And through the show I find out about this guy and I find out about how You know, he's never had an affair in his life And the guy's like 70 something and I look at the guy and I sit down because I get to like know these guys through the show And I go, you know, joey, but not joey coco the joey in the audience. I go You know, we've been talking for a while and

I really love you I mean like family Like you don't even know what you mean to me. I wish Like maybe we were hanging out for the last 30 years. I love you more than my own brother. I would kill my brother for you That's what I would do I go but because I love you and because of what we're talking about. I mean some of the things I tell you You're not gonna like too much In a lot of ways joey, I'll tell him

You hate yourself That's what I gather from this little meeting we've had here And I feel like the audience feels the same way And you just see the guy's wife shaking her head like no, he doesn't it could be their anniversary And joey's just startled Just looking at me going like I'll get guys going. I don't hate myself. Oh really? Am I the one married? I've been married 37 years But the different ones I break it down. I give one seven. I give one 10

I don't do the whole stretch with the same fucking thing night after night No matter how many fucking lava lights I got in my room. They've already heard every playlist I got If the you know four five fucking years, what are you gonna do with it? You got to trade around like a baseball card like when we were kids And then you want to sit here and tell me you don't hate yourself and in 37 years Never had a fucking affair never even got jerked off in a closet at work in the pencil room Whatever the fuck they got in a real office building You want to tell me that you love yourself that you're willing to go to your grave and the only thing

And I go nothing against you ma'am. I'm sure when you were 23 you were the hottest thing on fucking earth You know what today, but but you know you look in the mirror every morning just like everybody And that's what he's still got to fuck Do you think he loves himself when he's got to bang you? When he's got to look at you again 37 years break it down. What how many times a week how many times out of the year blow jobs banging jerked off Fuck her in the kitchen. Well, she's doing a dish. Throw her back at the dish. Where's that romance joey? Where's the romance of fucking around your countertop catty cornered

The same countertop that maybe people will be at 24 hours later for Thanksgiving dipping like chips and chip And you know what you did to that filthy animal, you know, I get into that head So romantic. Oh, well the whole act is romance pretty much. I mean I was gonna say you do do a lot of valentine's day shows I gotta ask you two questions real quick. Yeah What was the release date of the dice man cometh and that was tape in philadelphia, correct? That was new years. I just the rodney special ed february 88 Let me get a penalty. You got a penalty because I got to figure this out here Put the pencil closet. You got to get in there

So so the special ed rodney specialist, uh, sadly february 13th 88 And then my special ed New year's eve at midnight 88 going into 89 Like at midnight. Wow So how many months later was that? Nine

What are we figuring out? Time frame Then give me when did I love time frame like I'm being questioned. When did ford fair lane come out? Um, what was the release date? That was july 90 Jesus christ Wow, I was still in the fucking halfway house. I'm just figuring that out. Yeah, I'm from the figure I'm gonna blow your fucking mind mtv situation. That was also that was 89

Oh when I got banned for life. I couldn't tell you the month though Okay, so New years when his special gets released. I'm locked up I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, you've told me good. No. No. I don't know nothing I don't know nothing. I'm in a fucking age unit. Yeah That's why I celebrated new year's eve at the camp because they had kitchen and drinks and food and everybody that was cool Oh, right hiv. There's only four guys with hiv But they had cable tv the whole the government had to do a whole thing for them. Yeah, so I don't know nothing I get out

I'm in a halfway house and the dude from jersey my roommate Older than me keeps telling me you gotta see this guy dice. I'm gonna fucking have my hands. I don't have time for no fucking Dice is only gonna get me in trouble. Yeah Sounds like trouble But he always was a big stand-up guy. He took me to see the guy from boston. This is very interesting He took me to see the dead pan guy Uh, oh, steven right. Yeah, one year. He won tickets from a radio show and then a year later He takes me again

And this is weird. I'm with the same guy And we walk out and he goes up. What'd you think I go? It was great But he said the same fucking jokes as last year And I remember walking across the street. I'm going if I was ever a standard of family I would change my material up a lot like at this time. I'm not even Andrew, I'm not even thinking about doing this. This is something that's I listened to richard prior and belzer not belzer the other guy david brunner and cheeky And you know, whatever and then all of a sudden I get locked up. I come out and I'm he's my

Sort of my room. I had lived there before I got locked up and he's telling me about this dice character I'm going on time for this shit. We can stop. I gotta go I got I'm lying to these people. I'm supposed to be at a fucking car dealership selling cars with a suit on I'm slinging coke with a fucking car. Yeah with a pager they call and they're like, where are you? They couldn't get I had a special permit from the court Saying that I could leave. I didn't have to be at a certain like most people go to a job job. Oh, yeah Not me. I had a garage, but if you went there, it said Come again. Have a good day. No, I'm gonna find yo

Yeah, and I would have my car and I'd go to people's houses and hang out and watch tv And one day he convinced me he goes just sit just watch And all of a sudden, you know the fucking thing and I'm watching and he's sucking me in I'm watching and I'm like, okay And uh 10 minutes in like, you know, like I had to go but I didn't have to that was it I was hitting the guys understand the comedian His material and once the fucking material came up about He came up to me at the airport if I wanted to buy a

Thing a plant. Yes, so I could stick it up your ass or something. I lost it. It was like, uh That's it. That was my breaking. Like I knew I could do this with this guy was saying This is what I'm thinking as I walk right around. I have this I'm things I haven't done that don't sell. I'm an only child, Andrew So as I'm walking up to you, I'm like, look at this fucking mook in the back of my head. You know what I'm saying? I got my own dialogue Well, it's real like it's fucking real like it it fucking torments me

It torments people so I watched the first 26 minutes, maybe 24 minutes And I said I gotta take the tape I gotta take this And he's like, I really don't want you to take it out of the house. This guy's like my brother at the time He was there when I got sentenced. I don't want you to take it out of the house Take it out of the house. So these are hard commodities to get so I had to cut a deal I'm in a halfway house

So I'm in a halfway house February of 89. I finally watched the dice tape maybe may of 89 They cut me loose But I come up positive for cocaine from weighing it Okay, and they put me back in the halfway house. Now, this is where it gets now I've watched this special at this point. I know it backwards and forwards I could turn it off and fucking write the fucking thing out I went to the halfway house and I go, what the fuck are you guys gonna do new year's eve? And they go, oh, we don't know we're sitting in the room. We all gotta be in by 8 o'clock. I go, listen

What if I rent the room And get chinese food brought into this motherfucker and we watch andrew dice clay I remember these like these guys were like, yeah, yeah, but the girl's like, I don't know They were like females and this is the same chicks that I would knock on their door They'd open up the door I give a coke and she dropped suck my dick right at the door I'd be the lookout for myself where she was sucking my dick And then she'd lock the door like just slam the door and I'd walk away. There's the same girl like I don't know if I want to watch that

He's pretty dirty New year's eve. I had maybe it started with like nine people in there But before I knew it there was maybe 40 people in there Wow And we watched the whole special and I remember like going to bed not doing drugs not wanting to do drugs Wow Not wanting to do anything pretty much that I knew that once I got out of here I had to try the stand-up comedy, you know, since we've been doing the show for fucking years

People always, you know, people always stop me at every club I go to Somebody goes listen, you uh You know, we're listening to lee you inspire us to do this so to go back to school. Yeah It's the same thing with andrew If I wouldn't have seen andrew andrew pushed me over the cliff like that was it and I brought the tape home My wife was the widest chicken in the world in those days Now I came out of prison and she was on she was like the mother Okay, she became a den mother. Yeah. She wasn't my wife anymore, right?

I'm gonna put an andrew on him won't sit down And after like three minutes, she's like no I'm not watching this. That was the beginning of our divorce. Like that was it. You're smooth That was it like in a subconscious way. Yeah in a very subconscious way. I knew that this is it. This is my dream She's not gonna squash this dream. I made her drive me to the comedy works And I got on stage and this july 18th will be 28 25 years. Wow And uh, yeah, and then like I go up to the comedy store. I become a regular I'm up there. You know eddie griffin's bumping motherfuckers. Eleanor's up there giving orders

You know people old dean in the back those fucking jamokes. Oh the kid that from tennessee But all san andrew dice clay started to come up there and I wouldn't really say much and it was hysterical He always came because I'm gonna tell you how I fucking know. Listen. I always smell trouble I could smell trouble. I know I I can I made enough trouble Right. I see something like I just make a mental note check that and I just walk away. It's got nothing to do with me luka polanka shows up who I love dearly, but he does a bit and he was going his jacket at that time Take a fucking barbecue Oh

Lighter and lighter cigarette on stage and I remember it deep down inside But I would have said I'm a hit man from the brooklyn And you know he would wear a leather jacket and it was cute for a while And uh, but when he take the lighter out, I knew it was gonna be a problem. Yeah. Yeah, and then marino showed up And marino started doing this thing and uh, I'll never forget this and one night dice is up there Usually dice was always up there with his cousin A fucking manager or once in a while the wife This night. He's alone and he's fucking proud

He's proud. He doesn't have a heavy jacket on he's by himself I'd never said a word to him six seven months go by. I don't say two words this gentleman. Yeah I don't need to say anything to him in my world. No pictures. No selfies No talk to my brother. I want nothing. I didn't say a word to this guy I would watch him. I would watch him at night. I would watch him go on stage. I would watch him Just everything about him. Watch him. That's that's how you learn you shut your mouth and you watch and yeah I had coke. I was gonna go get a package of two from jewy. I ain't gonna lie to nobody But for right now, even though he doesn't know what I'm watching him. Yeah, and I know there's something right

And both of those guys are gonna line up that night And scott day is lurking and scott day comes out. It's about 11 30 Okay, scott day by that time he would put away a bottle of tequila sleep them one off Yeah, and come back out. I gave him a bottle of tequila one time that motherfucker came back. That's how you got spots That's how you got spots on monday. You bring them nice tequila. Bam five spots He comes out right there. I see dyson and i'm in a conversation, but it's kind of getting a little heated on dice's angle What the conversation was about wasn't about theft It was about persona

And I knew it was gonna come up like I had seen it. I seen it on the veil But andrew had not seen me at the time. Yeah, I didn't know you I'm already doing dice I'm doing the core is andrew dice clay the You know that some people go to taekwondo some people go to karate some people go to jiu jitsu my Martial art at that time was andrew dice clay, but you're trying to blossom out of that Yeah, but the bottom you just said the key though the key. What was it? You could be influenced by it. I told you a bunch of my influence. Oh, yes I got but i'm not doing them right you become an original you become an original

Yeah, and so I love what you're even saying that I influenced you like that is a big deal to me Whenever a comic tells me or anybody tells me Even actors, you know when I work with bobby connaval recently in vinyl told me what I meant to him Told me how he was at the garden, you know when he was a kid and I was on stage, you know told me how he like He'll take things from me and turn it into bobby connaval He told me all this and and and and look at him one of the great actors now, but he's an original He's himself. He's not being somebody where you go. What's this guy doing dice or any actor or any con? You know, you want to be known for who you are what you created because a lot of times joey

Even if you take on anybody's persona and you act like I used to see a guy that The tri-tact like let him in all the time. Oh, yeah There's fucking charcoal There was a lot of them, but there was one specific. Yeah, so anyway It it's hard enough to make Anyway, it's hard enough to make it in the business right, but let's say you fail You don't want to fail 15 years later going I've been doing somebody else for 15 years. What if I was just doing me Maybe it would have been a different story

Because once somebody does something, you know, once I became what I became in the world of comedy It's not going to be another guy like that That guy's never gonna look there were so many singers that came after Elvis, especially when he was in the army Look like him sounded like him and you never heard of him They put out a record, but nobody heard of him and then Elvis came back and it was Elvis again Tons of them tons of bands that came out try to be led zeppelin, let's say Never heard of them because we already got led zeppelin. We already got Elvis

We already got dice You know, so why would I do a special with you when we got dice? You're an impersonator of that You got to be in a written. That's what you did. You use the influence You went the influence, you know, and you turned into Joe Diaz the comic. Yeah, like I've seen you 100 times on stage. I never think dice ever even from the beginning. I don't think I think I mean you you was No, you're as ballsy as could be You're as loud as can be maybe that's what you but your your personality shines on stage

And that's what I've always seen even from day one Even if you felt an influence, I got all my influence did for you Is give you the opportunity to say all the things that were in your head out loud Or or twist your reality and make it, you know, your stage persona. That's all you do Any good comedy any good comic any great comic comes from truth in their own world their own life You don't have to talk about your life But you're gonna take things even when I talk about sex like I was telling you about my bedroom and the lavaline So I will take it and make it a cartoon for them to make them laugh at what they do to each other

Because people put they put so much upon sex especially today. I'm just laughing Sunday night at the store one night And these three little asian dudes Sat at stage right if you're on stage facing mitzvah They're over here and andrew goes up to and he's fucking throwing You know bombs and sucking dick and people laugh at it all something looks so fitness three fucking Chinese guys And I don't know what I remember one line was You know that if I eat your father's because he goes what what's your father on the restaurant?

They go yeah, that's it. That's it. They just fucking threw gasoline Like a like a soft. Oh my god. Nice was like we hit him out of the park I'm gonna eat your food and shit blood for three weeks. I'm gonna go to your restaurant. You're fortune cookie That's what it was. I'm gonna open up the fortune cookie He's gonna hit blood for three weeks But the best was in vegas there was a table for the gay guys And he's fucking going off on this stuff and he's talking about in vegas. They're gonna build the casino And this will be shaped

No, hold up like that because you remember that bit like a big dark dick. No 20 minutes It's gonna shoot come no hotel casino cock and fags are gonna be in the bottom Going That would be the big hotel cock it opened up and the potatoes Yeah, exactly hotel casino cock That's so because of all the themes in vegas, you know, some of the it's still a good What I say that jacuzzi look like

I can't remember all the shrubbering was black and this is this is where it's really gonna get fucked up like I learned so many lessons Sitting like three chairs down from mitzis. Oh god Just sitting there watching andrew go off at night and paul mooney like just I came home last week and At breakfast I told my wife And I got to tell you something at 53 years old I can't tell you how honored I am. I'm still fucking working down there Even if it's twice a week. That's all I need. I don't let me know

You're still in that crazy People at him or he says, why don't you call him for more spots guy goes because I still remember coming down here And there was those 40 50-year-olds that were down here bitching about mitzis not giving them spots and yeah Lurking and signing up on the angry angry and I go. I don't want to be that guy I want to come down here that for a great time every time I want to come down here as I'm coming down lower Kang and I'm even listen to music Yeah, I'm thinking about like this fucking thing. Listen listen dog If it wasn't for the comics, I had nothing like the comedy still was my son's anarchy

Like that was it once I got a taste of that darkness and that You know, you're fucking in there and all of a sudden he is the guy that influenced you And those lessons like still some nights from a little fucked up about stand-up. I know what it is Yeah, I gotta go to the back of the comedy store. I smoke one of these That's how I get Stoked where you just watch the comic And get sucked into his world And you fucking either die inside

Or it makes you want to go home and fucking open up that notebook and buy the coffee I have seen auri Which is one of my favorite things Come in high on shrooms and just sit in the potluck section in the back of the original round That's the that's the learning and watch like open mic or something and I'll come in. I'll be like that Like all just messed up inside himself watching Taking it in I mean taking it in it's like it it takes him down But at the same time it's like he knows where he's at. It's so cool. Yeah, I've gotten with my life

I never Every morning I get up like clean the cat litter boxes I fucking smoke a number. I make coffee I wash my pussy every after everything's get going Before I walk the baby to school. I sit down and I just write about what the fuck I gotta do And at the end of that I always go I can't believe I did something with my life Right That's it. Just did something in my life like that's it and it all came down

To that fucking comedy store like I that was my church Me too. That was it. That's it. That's it dog. That's it. He would be there every single night I mean I waited tables there for 12 years and he was there almost every night and that was during I started in 93 He was still One of the hottest, you know, and if he wasn't on the road, he was at the store Whether he was hanging with his wife I do a show a concert at the la forum. Okay At the end of the show I did some music. I like to you know, play drums. I do the Elvis thing

at the forum Slash from guns and roses duff mccagan from guns and roses Come on stage with the band I had from brooklyn. We rehearsed in the afternoon. We did Elvis together And then we did um santana soul sacrifice Where I play a big drum solo and slash plays like a the meanest fucking guitar solo And he's going back and forth with my buddy from brooklyn And these guys can't believe they're on stage with guns and roses But guns and roses didn't even do the la forum yet like when they showed up to rehearse

They were like, we've never done this yet. You know what I mean? Like they couldn't even believe it But my whole point is you know where I was after the la forum I could have went to any club any restaurant any disco whatever I'm on the back steps of the fucking comedy store An hour later like it never happened Because that's what I like to do it's humbling like like, you know wheels will always say to me he goes, you know It's amazing what you've done in your life and that you went through that whole Down period and now you're all the way back up there again

He goes But I don't even know why you do it because there's nothing you really want to do Like you know like when he'd see me at the back of the comedy store. He'd be like, why are you here? Like if I was making it like you I'd be in the fanciest fucking restaurants, you know with 10 people serving Because you just want to sit on the back stairs. I go I I didn't make it so I could go to restaurants I go it's about what you just said joe Accomplishment that you did something with your life you know and

You know like when I was with Elinor those were really bad times career-wise. Okay. Thank you and and plus no You said The fuck Pintits over here. Keep me happy. Yeah, fucking tic-tac tits over here Let me explain something What I just said, that's what it sounds like. You know what you mean though. I yeah, well, no, let me let me clarify this bullshit You know when I was with Elinor, it was like the worst time In my life, but not because of Elinor. I was I was obviously going through divorce

The career was down in the fucking toilet. I didn't know which way to turn You know, but how could I make this shittier? I'll date Elinor. No, no, no, but Elinor had nothing to do with it That's what I'm making the point of saying and um, but but I wouldn't bend I I would like persevere and Look for all different ways But also it was about bringing up my sons. Yeah, you know, so I really didn't give a shit that much about the career I just can't about making money to pay my monthly nut You know, so I would I'd go do the clubs or whatever little theaters would have me. That's how it went But my thing and this is good for you too was always about Max and Dylan when that happened

Because my thing is about teaching kids by example You know and I would tell them I say, where do I step on the gas pedal again? You're gonna see something you've never seen in your life And that's what they've been watching now to 21 and 25 And over the last six years what they saw me do And they're doing it for themselves with that band still rebel and But if I didn't do something

They'd be doing nothing Because that would mean I didn't teach them. I didn't I didn't take on the responsibility All I cared about was getting another movie Getting a pilot. Fuck that. He let it affect you. So you got a kid. So that's your reason. No, this is my No, this is my deal. This is my deal with the kid. The kid comes first That's right, right. No, but I'm saying to teach the kid. Oh, absolutely Like you were talking about being in prison now. You got millions of people listening to you on your own podcast You sell out theaters. You got a real career. You're not some

Some monday night amateur anymore. You you turned yourself into joey coco Diaz That's a big deal in the world of comedy. Yeah, I talked to a lot of guys They'll piss on you and they'll piss on you because you got millions of people, you know And they got nothing you need those haters. I'm telling you but absolutely. But forget about forget that Forget about that. You have the reason to be You say when you got family when you got people that you love And they see you knocked down like my family saw me. It was like the stories never and I don't care How many arenas I did back then that's the old story. That's the old dice story

I was going to build a whole new one, you know, and nothing was going to deter me. That's just who I am And you're that kind of guy. I I wouldn't say it to a guy that's not like that You know, because there are people that just they ride other people's waves You know what I mean? And that's okay But guys like you guys like me girls like elinor they make their own way Oh, I don't know what to me is the best for you now. Hey guys gotta People in comedy people always have to give you a spark And it's what you do with that spark. Yeah

Rodney put you gave you the opportunity of lifetime. You went on there and fucked up that room That's it. That's what you country See, I didn't even play the room. It wasn't about the room playing to the when I filmed You know, I'll never forget because you know, mitzi it could be no fucking good at times I know she's older now and I love her But the night at that special the night at a Rodney special. I took a walk To the comedy store Again, I wanted to be alone

And I just wanted to walk and look at all the people on the street Because I knew what had happened. I knew that by Sometime the next week all those people are going to know who I am. I knew it So I come into the comedy store And who did I see bob shimmel, right? Nice. The funniest greatest So so he sees me everybody else the other comment a lot of jealousy immediately That night that was Joe, but not from shimmel He looks at me and he goes so anyway dice the special is right

There's a special ad like an hour ago, you know, you go sort of phone rings You know, I go, all right, here we go and I pick up and he goes, it's my mother And he goes, yeah mine. She goes, are you friends with dice? I love dice You know, and he just killed me with that now I go and I sit down mitzi's at a booth And she's fuming over the special You know, because I'm waiting for to say what I because I knew I knew when I filmed it how it was going to affect the country

I can't prove it to you other than the ad I took in the daily variety Two days before the show and I took it for a thursday Because in show business on friday, nobody shows up in at the studios So I figured let the ad hit On thursday full page and fucking variety imagine full page of variety full page and variety And why are you laughing at least half asleep over there? Let him sleep. I'm gonna sleep He's just high

So what happened is I take out this ad half the page was my picture And in big bold letters it says I never studied much in school I go but when I turned on the tube And I list all these things there was Elvis the king buddy rich with hands like lightning Gleason uh Cadney you Was the great one gleason you were number one, you know all these different people I looked up to

And then at the end it says murphy and priya both great no doubt But in 88 it's dice thou shout And I I put the name of special Yeah, I put that in variety to the entire fucking industry Because I knew how big it was before it ever came on tv I knew it the night I filmed it first show At danger fields left nothing Because you know, that's how prepared you need to be

When you can hit a home run, you know, I went to settle for being in the middle That could never happen in my world. I would have quit but a long time ago But I knew if I did it right it'll be the biggest thing. So I put that in variety. That's my proof So now it's saturday night the show is I go to the comedy store. I sit down with mitzi And she goes off about I can't believe I don't have a credit and you know, they should have done it here Not I don't like the look of it. I go, you know what mitzi? All I give a fuck about

Is how the whole country got to see me tonight. I'm gonna go have a drink which is very rare for me You know because she should have just gave it up at that moment. She said congrats. Yeah, because she know But but you do also know mitzi now. I'm at the la forum. She's in the limo with me She fly to see me at the meadowland. She fly to see me at madison square. She came everywhere with me after that was nuts But but I know but but I only knew because I was that prepared You know, if you're getting ready to do a special by the time you do that special You shouldn't be thinking of your material

Just think of the performance think of the the whole country watching you and perform for them move around Do something make it a little exciting for them. Even if it's with your backdrop You know, I don't just stand there with a mic It's only that was my big complaint with comics that they didn't understand performance Because I grew up with music. I grew up singing playing the drums It was all about acting had nothing to do with stand-up So when I would see all the comics when I came out here like the paul rises and You know Seinfeld who I think is one of the greatest ever, you know

What what I didn't see was performance You know, and I I can't go on a stage without performing somehow I can't just go up there and do a routine. I would be bored to fuck You know, I just would be bored If I even thought about my act the only thing that happens right before I go on Is um wheels will tell me well elinor is on stage just kicking ass like she does every night To maybe some of the toughest crowds in the country my fans and she destroys them all the time every time And wheels is backstage with me going now you go out there and you tell them something now

And I go what and sometimes a lot of times we we've been smoking the weed before I go up So I could just let my mind go, you know He's going you tell them the way it is and I go but about what and he goes you know exactly why You just tell them when you get out there you let them know it now And that's how he'll psych me up for the show And then I'll pass elinor And go she'll pound me, you know, and I'll go I'm just a fucking stone right now And he's telling me to tell them something and I don't know what it is. He wants me to tell him

And that's why that's why there's a few minutes when I first go up there Well, I don't even bother with them Like even if they y'all out my name, I don't look I know I'm up there I don't need to hit my name. Shut up Wait till I'm ready. We're gonna get through this together. That's how I look at it Because I don't know what's gonna happen and I know you'll like that too, joe No, that's the way it's supposed to be. Do you get high before a show? I'm high all fucking dead I'm high all day. Let me give some shout outs here. We'll get back to this real quick

When we give a shout out to my man, jt My man matt bake up there and bakersfield bjj tony calieho joey rolelly I don't know these fucking names sammy deluxe jesse ponkeo Mike vincent daniel ronkowski and lani thomas. I love you Fuckers

Now tomorrow do me a favor folks. Oh, yes tomorrow 10 a.m Andrew dice clay is doing the coney island amp-a-tata coney island. It's brand new. It's a brand new amp brand new coney island They they still got the hot dogs the whole fucking deal. You got the beats the whole day. This is gonna be I'm not playing nathans. No, I didn't say that but I'm playing an amp-a-tata. I know that He likes it. I know I'm selling the whole night. I'm fucking selling the whole night Why do you got to get in between this? Why don't you anyway? I don't care. This is why I'm tomorrow morning 10 a.m Pre-sale pre-sale tomorrow 10 a.m. These tickets are gonna go fucking fast. The code is dice D.i.c.e again

D.i.c.e Where do they go lisa? Yeah, just go just go to anewdice.com Andrew dice clay dot com tomorrow 10 a.m. Eastern 7 a.m. California time and it's uh, I gotta tell you It's the first amphitheater the first room. I'm doing that size In about 18 years. Yeah Yeah, and it's all you know, I should tell you this was because of getting on the tonight show doing the tonight show And uh, jimmy fowler number one The greatest him his producer michael cox. They couldn't be nicer

And when I was supposed to do the show, you know because dice the tv show was coming out You know the network wanted me to sit on panel a little and talk about the show You know and I was like, no, they want me to do stand-up. I'm not breaking it up The whole thing's like six minutes. You know what I mean? So I told the producer I go What what's the most time you could give me to do stand-up if you really want me to do stand-up and he goes five minutes That's the maximum and I go all right and I go through through this material with him and

When we were done This this is cool. I asked the guy go all right once you get it all approved. Can you like You know write it out like in an email and send it to me Because what what michael didn't understand is I was winging it giving him the material. I wasn't sure but it because I can't be dirty, you know what I mean So I came up with some material Like a week before Fallon, you know, but I wanted to give it this this dramatic opening That people would think I'm going to destroy my career in a minute. Okay

So I do the set and it winds up the longest set that tonight shows ever had six minutes and 23 seconds And that was without Fallon's Introduction and he was so excited afterwards. He was like jumping on my back behind the curtain You know just the greatest guy. I just I just want to hang with him all night him and his producer And the producers, you know texting me you murdered it and all nervous is about that that they might You know cut it down like edit it. Yeah, they left every fucking word in there All right, this is one shot on the tonight show. This is what hasn't been done in years now I'll tell the people out there the the concerts i'm doing which you could also see on my

What's the name of my site andrewdiceclade.com. Yes, okay. Yeah, so um The concerts i'm doing on this little run in may are like between a thousand and 1500 people a night Which are great size you you do those rooms. You're a superstar in comedy. Oh, yeah for the most part, okay After the Fallon show I stayed up all night got on the plane by the time I landed This amphitheater was booked That's how nutty people are going from this and this is a 5000 seat amphitheater. It's a new building So i'm really psyched to go back to brooklyn where I come from where my family's from And really just bang them over the head again

Because I really on the tonight show if i'm gonna go on there. I got to reintroduce the country to dice That's how I looked at it and this guy. Let me do it Best guy in a long time. I always had a problem with leno because he didn't help comics, you know, you know the deal I don't need to the bad mouth them, but the bottom line is Fallon loves comics, you know So if you could get that tonight show you should do it joey because It changed I I keep I keep thanking the producer because In in six minutes. I changed my career again, you know, everything's happening in my show

It looks like it's a hit people are just loving it but To go back into to concert at a time where I really feel people need it again Because we live in a very angry world Is is really exciting to me, you know, and that's why, you know, like we were gonna do You know a show, but we're gonna do it again And I'll take you all over if you want to do a bunch of concerts It's just really I know you do it on your own, but you're a powerhouse on stage and I love that

I love all that stuff too. So eleno. You'll have to go on before joey. I uh I love that the constant this whole thing has been stand up for you andrew and and I never expected it That's the whole thing that nobody does That's the thing that I see people That have been here since the time I got off the boat here And they're still here clicking and making a living but stand up has always been a concert and For a couple years shit will happen and for two or three years shit won't happen That's what three years should all happen

And the whole time I went through 18 years of that and then the whole time but the whole time you're getting stronger Yeah, but that's what i'm saying picture after you're getting stronger. Did you go through another two decades? You're getting stronger was this comic you're getting more confidence on stage No, I remember the the best stand up I do is when shit's not going good That's the best stand up we do nothing to me is more is funnier than when you hit a crowd that's silent And they're not laughing like those late nights at the comedy store When I could go up there and that wouldn't be a chuckle And I could just chill and do my stuff for me

I like that you feel that like I I'm already having anxiety about the late night spot that I have at the store That's going to be quiet. I don't understand that because that's good, but it's like yeah, but it's it's like shit You know, you feel like you don't need to develop stand up. You don't know if you're gonna develop your fucking dead It's The 1145 The 1145 I got 1245 well the 1140 I'm just telling him the 1145 to 115 spot at the comedy store. Oh, wow if you do that four nights a week That's like let me tell you what the equivalent is that's like going to the gym. I get like about four. Yeah dead lifting

squatting and benching Forming your fucking pounds and eating kale That's what those spots. Yeah, you know those punishment spots when you you know an angel 10 years of that Yeah, that's what I would do and I did nine, you know when andrew goes up Those little fucking half of faggy comics would leave. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna sit through this. This is I would stay Those are the guys that made me a job. I would stay I would stay watch Watch watch go out get water get a cocktail come back watch andrew and then they'd be looking for people I had to follow and yeah, and andrew would walk out 16 people. I'd watch you though. I would watch nine would stay

Yeah, and you have to figure it out And that figuring out is a fucking a year at yell That that's what yell wants you to do to think On your feet. That's the top thing that that that's it. It just wants you to be quick That's a four-year fucking degree and meanwhile you're sitting there going Why why I could be in Philly with my family celebrating christmas. Why am I here? The 21st of december why and then you know, you have like an idiot like you know some idiot You'll go I can't believe I'm waiting here fucking Eddie Griffin's bumping me

Right, and you'll go I can't believe it's 115. He's about to get off And somebody'll go you know what you don't want your spot Oh, yeah, there's always somebody way. Oh, yeah, we always wait always somebody wait and you have to think of it that way I'm honored to still be. Oh, yeah me too. I love it. But I do get a little anxiety still That's what it's all about. Okay. Listen I go to other places. I try listen in the bottom of my heart you go to other comedy clubs around town and I go up like nothing happened

Doesn't matter. There's no pressure to me. You know that I'm to the age right now when I go to the comedy store I get car sick And you want me to hear what that car sickness is that's anxiety twisted Because if I don't get car sick, I tell you where I start getting anxiety Those five steps when I woke up and I stepped to the left by Mitchie's chair. Yeah, I get anxiety now But those are the sets. I'm gonna fucking level you. Yeah And once the anxiety come I take three or four sips of water And I breathe I breathe I turn around and I look at the light

I make sure that I could see that there's A door open. Yeah, and I breathe and once they say come into the stage I still have a little bit. I'm still out of breath. Yeah, that's the kind of always you would have loved You would have loved the westwood comedy store I never saw that. Yeah, that was the best What would go on there because you know Because nobody's watching. No, it was it was run by you guys, right? You know, I got I got I got um One of my one of my best lines

From the alleyway Outside the back of the comedy store. There was an alley and then an arcade Like, you know, you understand westwood. Yeah. Yeah, so um They used to be this comic Andy Huggins Today we have Dave Taylor. It's basically the same person hilarious tall like that thin like that You know what I mean angry and So Andy Huggins picture like Dave Taylor, you know, I mean and and this comic joey gainer

so You know a thing they used to do at westwood is that Andy would just come on joey was a thick guy, you know, he's not that tall But you know, you know, he could throw a punch if he had to you know And Andy would just come up in the middle of joey set and throw him over to front table Oh, and screaming him and walk out of the club. That was like the little bit they worked on Okay Yeah, like picture Andy picture Dave Taylor coming up and throwing you over to front day. Can that really ever happen?

So anyway I'm I'm there, you know, Ronnie Kenny. No, you don't know Ronnie one in the old school, you know, like august from that generation So Ronnie would love drinking fucking beer and hanging out real irish two-fisted fucking guy The best, you know, great great guy funny funny, you know So anyway, you know, he's about six seven beers in everybody's hanging out Joey's on stage Here comes this guy Andy Huggins throws him over to front table You know, and of course the people that would go to westwood were like college kids from, you know westwood. Yeah, so

Joey goes over Herman Joey goes over and all of a sudden he starts choking So he goes out into the alleyway And he's on the on the floor just choking You know, because what had happened is One of the wax candles Poured into his mouth from a table

So it's like being suffocated and there's jackson prado is there. I'm there Carl LeBow is there Ronnie Kenny's there. Alan Stevens is there And the guy's basically choking and nobody's doing anything And Ronnie who's on his seventh beer just goes, hey Joey If you can't party with the big boys don't show up And I just fall down laughing like I can't put the way he said the line I wound up making it like a hook line in my first special Dice man cometh With if you can't party with the big boys don't show up and it wasn't about

Somebody choking on wax. It might have been, you know, somebody choking on your cock instead But but that's where I would see like I would just Study all these people And if they said something like like I remember when you started saying It's an old expression, but you made it your thing with who's better than you back then You know what I mean? And it was like, yeah Like you know, like who's better than me who's better than you But it worked for him

Like he was instantly when you started out you were finding at least something some kind of hook line, which is the most important with comedy You know when they could leave and remember something you said like even me when I go Oh, or the word unbelievable You know the way I would say it they'd start saying it, you know, and that's how you hook an audience I gotta get I was in the fucking halfway house when the Ford felling came out So for what I would I have a movie. Did you ever leave this halfway house? They put me in there You went there for like years. I was in there from february of 89

Look, sometimes you gotta stay long February of 89 till like august of right. Okay. Here it was. I stayed in there from But then you got recharged. Yeah, I stayed in there from february of 89 to when? to To like got married they released me the tuesday before the fucking saturday So I got married september. So they let me out of there september fifth But I when did you get married? 89 no, but september september fifth. I got married in september september nine nine

Which one not to you my oh, we didn't get married. I can watch nine nine eighty nine I got married. Wow and put three four days before that I got released in the halfway house I stayed out for two months Then they put me back and they violated me for 90 days so november december january I got released February of all three And then they threw me back in there again February of 2003 no of uh 93 83

Oh, he's high. No, it's fun to watch 90 90 Okay, so they put me back in there may of 90 till about august of fucking 90 But in that time period I remember there was two movies That I had to be responsible for one was good fellas now. I read the book good. I seen the fucking 2020 When henry hill was on 2020 so when I got locked up the book was in the library I read the fucking book and a month later people magazine said that it's a movie

So I waited and I remember like checking you like you had to make up 10 lies and you couldn't drive I drove well when you're in the halfway house, you don't have to drive in the federal halfway house I drove I didn't give a fuck I had a car parked three or four blocks away that was an emergency car So I walked everywhere else But if I had to meet somebody I got my fucking car and I remember one day pulling up Next to a chick from the halfway house like one of the guards And praying please don't look over And they wouldn't even say nothing they won't say anything until you walk in then the cops are wavy

They're not supposed to say nothing if they see you do something illegal and shit. Oh, they just report it. Yeah They just report you so the whole time you're out. You're thinking they didn't see you so But I went to see I would go eat Chinese food and in those days they tested you three friend drugs But I had I had a system I would sweat every day in those days. I used to run The boulder creek reservoir. So what I used to do is I would take a joint I had a garage by the halfway house that I had way before I got locked up I had a garage that I go down. I had a heavy bag gloves

A little boombox had a bench Maybe 200 pounds. Maybe two dumbbells And if I picked up a victim from time to time I get my dick sucked in I had a joint I had a joint there that would last me a year Oh, because you can't I like what you said with the victim when you just I would pick up victims in there from the halfway house I swear to god, I would take him to the gym $35 a month they charge me Yeah, $35 a month for that fucking garage. It was it was a play. It was better than going with Jim. Yeah

I had my own little fucking gym in there So, uh, what the fuck I would go now. I would take a hit off a joint I would go to a chinese restaurant eat and I would go to a movie theater Oh, wow, and I remember like Ford Fairlane I was in the halfway house Good fellas and there was another movie. I snuck in to see batman Now batman came a little later with prince and all those people jumping up and down. That was oh, yeah, that did the 94 5

Something but last week I flew with a dude And we got into a conversation. There was comic con in uh in the anapolis last weekend And we got into a conversation and he used to be a comic at the store From 80 87 and he said to say hello to you that you he rented you a joke morrice. He's a voiceover guy I don't know. He might want his joke. He rented. Oh, no, no, no, no, you talk. Um He you went up to him and said listen, I want to buy that you threw me off and he goes no No, no, I didn't say it. How about I rented to you? No, it was a guy I was hanging with that claimed he was Maya Lansky's grandson

Which is a whole other story. Yeah, and I was supposedly doing the Johnny Carson show at least I is Maya Lansky's grandson No, but but this guy was nobody but he really played it You know and so when I was supposedly doing Carson He went over to morrice You know because we had to like put together like these five minutes or whatever it's gonna be You know of like clean of material Yeah, he was lying this this guy was just a pathological liar, but he goes over to morrice

And he goes, you know that rocky bit you have He goes, uh, I need it for dice in a week And he goes, you don't know how hard it is to come up with a bit. I'm not just gonna give him I'm not giving him my bit goes. What about if we rent it? You know, I forgot how much he told him. He's gonna give him But then morrice called for the money You know and obviously there was no Carson shot. I never did Carson and and Lansky he called himself Lansky and

He got mad at morrice and he goes now. I'm just taking the bit Take it up with my grandfather if you don't like it Just like that That's a whole story. I wrote a script called comic in the con years ago about him Yeah, you know, it was just great. I can't it's too long to go into but that's the morrice's bit But we never rented it and I never did it Who's better like who walks around and going I want to rent you a bit That's crazy for for a night. Yeah to do on a national television show when there's four channels

Like if somebody did that today, there's a big chance The reason the reason morrice called this he wanted to go see howie mandel who's very close with in vegas So we wanted the money for for the airline and everything And I got mad at him and said now I'm just taking the bit And when he hung up we're going these are my friends We're not just taking a bit. You can't just do that because I could do anything. Oh, yeah Are you really a lansky? Absolutely. Oh distant cousin

Are you even with us right now? I told you that's what happens to him. That's a really good picture. Yeah. Why that's an accurate picture. Look at his eyes, right? That's a great picture. You you do stand up, right? No, not at all. Why not? I I don't think I'm that funny I don't I don't think I'm that kind of funny really. Okay I like doing this like I like like the reason why I think you like doing this and sleeping. Yes, that's true You got a girl. Yeah, he's got a mexican girl. He's got a big party to plan for her tomorrow, right? Yes It's been perhaps planning it for weeks. Let's see that really. Yeah, what are you gonna get her?

What are you doing tomorrow with her? With little pictures of lee in it. No, how come? For what? It's sink with the mile. How long have you been going with this girl? Three years. Three years. You argue a lot with her? No Never. She's not come bad of it all. No, she's really cool. And she's mexican. Yeah, I don't know and she's fucking lying to you Yeah, joe tell him tell him joe knows spanish woman are fucking I like him, but I straight stay clear

How come? Because template they just don't work for me. It's too hard. Well, it's too hard. I I seen a latin woman in action I've been living with him for seven years. Does lee lee do you get beat up? No. Well, here's the thing I think I could see her doing that with someone But we have we have similar like lights. It's like so we don't argue because it's like hey do you like Watching tv and and having a star and getting Thai food. It's like, yeah, that's what we like. So there's no real fights there I've always Andrew Yeah, but you can't you can't be like a pansy

No, I don't think you are but don't ever get to that level. I think I think you know, I mean like remember Remember joe, you know what went on in rebel With james dean with the father when he's on the fucking knees Picking up broken fucking dishes You don't want to become that guy on your knees with a with a fucking apron on You know what? I mean broken dishes and james dean is like grabbing them by the shirt college is going get up Remember that He's gone. What's the problem son? I need an answer now get up

And that's what I what I'll tell like people in audiences when I see them like just Folding You know what I mean a man still got to be a man And that's it You don't want to be that guy because they'll take it to that level where you're in the the red and white plaid fucking Apron from the kitchen bringing her food It's bringing the mother food in the fucking bedroom like a fucking ass So james dean wants to ask him something the father's crawling around the floor

Picking up little pieces of glass and james dean just grabs them by his collar and he goes get up Fucking tremendous But you remember that right? I'll play I can't be that man I can't I mean they want to play games in the fucking bedroom. All right. I'll go along. You want to smack me back I get it Oh, look at look As a as a 13 year old He's fucking who is today. I love with a spanish chick and I wasn't even banging on

Andrew. How old were you? Maybe 12 13 me too Wasn't even banging a dry hump in a second a little tit from time to time if I did that she'd still be with me And I fucking got left back That's how good the little dry hump pussy. Okay. Can I tell you my my Puerto Rican story? so, you know You know, I we just moved back. I lived in Florida for about seven months when I was 12 with my family And we moved back to brooklyn. So we had to stay with my grandmother

Even u.m. In east 12th street in brooklyn real old time brick upon but eleno was in that building Yeah, I took her in there to check it out with my boys when they were playing in the laundry room We went down to the fucking but all right. So anyway What happened is I really loved the superintendent had like three daughters and I really dug one who was like my age But you know how you looked at them at that age like they were the hottest thing in the world You know any girl like through through a 12 year old's eyes. I was actually 13 so I sat on On the wall right next to that bedroom window on the first floor on the back of the building and that wall faced

a Fuck in a Where they bring dead people, you know What's it called a morgue a morgue a morgue So I'm in this fucking alley that creeps me out to start with of course the limo's coming every 10 minutes with another one And I'm sitting there for about three hours till I finally say an assist is there and a little brother's there You want to be my girlfriend? She goes. Yeah I said no great and I jump off the wall and I go back upstairs because now I got a girlfriend

You know you walked away from her No, because now I asked the question took me three hours to ask her It's like the first girl I asked to be my girlfriend So, you know, you're sitting there and you want to say it but the sister's there and you finally blurred it out So I go upstairs, but now I won't come near this girl. I'm afraid to go near her because now I'm gonna have to make out with her right, so Assist is who are older than her One day they take me down to the basement

You know because the the elevator would actually go past the lobby and go right to the basement Which would never happen today and in the basement where all these like, you know rooms boil the rooms with doors And so they take me and they put me in a chair And one of the sisters goes all right. We're gonna teach you a little about kissing And one sister like holds my head back And the 19 year old goes to give me a kiss And I felt her tongue, but I never felt that so I blew it out of my mouth And she starts choking on her own tongue

That we had to pull her tongue like a sister pulled her tongue out Why did you do that? I go because I didn't know what it was I didn't know what a tongue was in my mouth, right? So this goes on for about two weeks that that I don't go need a girl and finally she chases me down for two blocks And says can we go back to being friends because at least this way I could hang out with you because I wouldn't make out I was too young And I regret that mom and joe you should and did those girls repeat bringing you down to the boiler? No, not after one nearly died

Today that was but it was it was latin to me. I loved I loved latin girls I mean, you know, I was with elinor, but that was like a different thing Yeah, that's when you wanted to go irish. No, it was crazy because I've always irish in spanish irish is a different kind of anger. I like irish. I like irish. Terry's irish. Yeah, I like irish My son's mom is irish. I love all that jersey irish Shit, we're red hair and freckles on it too And dirty. I don't have red hair. I love all that Freckles on my tits for sure. Oh shit. I love it. I love us. They go fucking nuts, too

They try to play it down. Oh, I did. Oh, they sit on your fucking dick So many wings. Oh my god All right, you climb on top. You start fucking eating a tits. You go down to a fucking box He's in a different fantasy You know, I mean, then they fucking not all over your fucking chin and you feel like a man Well, you think Lee you do these things to the mexican? Yeah, is this what he has to trust? Cinco de Mayo's gonna be about? Yeah, what are you gonna do? I'm not on the chin

I guess I will have to go for something He's a fucking christ what they can do. You're gonna have to get a little piñata My eyes are burning. Are we almost done? What do you mean your eyes are burned? Go open the door for five minutes Cigarettes you're killing open the door get some air. Let me ask you this Andrew So get up out of your chair and go open the door one thing that's been a cover there just five minutes Come on. Are we allowed to open the door? You can open the door Go ahead open the door for me once the You get to yell at me and no

Just open the door I'm getting double teeth now. I'm getting mad. Oh you stupid son of a bitch bastard what you are She hit her teeth on the microphone. She's so fun. That's what I love about her. She's the greatest So this whole time Whether this generation knew or didn't know you've been working. Yes, of course Vegas fucking whatever and now You're about to kick off a few 1500 seats. I don't know open it all the way for a lover christ. What's the matter?

Open the door. That's a girl. That's why it's a podcast. You do what you want when you want to do it This is a fucking podcast. Yes. So the first the first part of this tour is 1500 seats But now we're going into these, you know, giant fucking places again You know, I don't even know how I'm gonna need you joe. I'm telling you. I'm not worried. I'm here for you I'm I'm I'm I'm dead serious because you know this time around. It's like I really want to bring like Like incredible comics with me and just that people walk out going what a great show this like the best comedy show ever That's what I want to go. I don't know rocks the fucking mic jack Do five minutes. I will most come over

Oh, yeah, I'm doing Philadelphia with him. I'm doing healing. Yeah. Yeah, but before that I'm headlining at uncle vinnies in jersey I plug that july 10th and 11. I mean june june 10th and 11 bless you. Did you see on on the blue comedy show? Yes, I did. Yeah, Andrew. Give me my danger field spot. Thank you. Yeah, he called me and told me joey did That's why I did that. It's the weirdest thing. Listen, man uh I'm just glad we connected. I fucking haven't seen it on the computer And there's the dice pilot It pops up like the lord just popped it in my lap. I went to the economy store that night

I spoke I called left you a message And something happened I'm watching something also tonight or tonight show I tape it I run to the economy store getting involved talking to somebody I walk in the fucking house. I turn it on. I go in the kitchen. I get some water when I come out I don't even have to dvr. Wow coming to the stage Made it nice club. Boom So it was like, uh, I was right there. You know what I'm saying watching the whole

Oh, you sort of fell. Yeah, I saw the family live. I I really can't but that guy over half a million hits already Yeah, it's like by by the next morning. It was at like 150 And now it's over over half a million. It's like amazing. I can never thank him enough. That's all that's why I'm saying his name I think he's the greatest because he's not afraid to let a guest shine. That's what I love to let a let a guest To just let me fucking go. I felt like I was on at the comedy store. I felt nothing You know, no, you look like you look loose. You had this I was very loose because um

Oh nothing, you know at that comedy store there's a bunch of Professors but your education just to see that I'm gonna do this till they put me in the grave because it doesn't matter You keep doing it. You know, how high is you you go you do it You get in your hotel room you sleep you smoke a number and you take a plane home the next fucking day So I've learned so much from you, man. Just this last journey. We were talking about at the store last week It's it's amazing But I try not to like, you know, like I talk to Eleanor about this stuff a lot like There is a lot going on now, but it's always been important to me

That i'm just grounded. Yeah, that I am the guy from oh, you got the boys, you know what I mean? And that's how I really feel. I have a Spanish wife now my Spanish food I don't eat the Spanish. I can't do it. No Mexican food She gets you to eat a lot that you would never eat the Spanish skirt steak. I eat It's just flavorful. You know, it's you know, skirt steak. That's like my favorite steak. No, I love it. But there's like The mexicans like came out with a version of it Like pinata steak some kind of fucking no, that's rude. She'll marinate it. She marinated in different

Yeah, but it's like skirt steak, but you'll get it like in the grill. Nicely. Like I like going to the mexican mart You know the food mart. It's the fucking best the best Big cookies that it is big you want to talk about munchies the bags are cut You don't find a little bag like an yeah, that is fucking big. Yeah, like beyond belief cookies Mexicans don't fuck around no more. You understand me. Let me read these ads and we'll get the fuck out of here Yeah, because you're not getting a back rub because it's 10. No, no I need you to dig your elbow. I got a spot at the comedy No, when I went down when I had that fall with my fucking arm two weeks ago. Where's the masseuse?

Right here. She's good at it. All right. We'll give them a massage while I do the Spot Just stop with the high pitch voice another reason we're going through something. Listen, can you live with that voice? I love that. We're not going through something. You live with it It's don't matter what you're doing this season. You know, you got the the old fella tour now What's the what do you call those people the the old coachella? Oh coachella coachella for old people Oh, I do want to say you just did remind me of something I'm proud to say this about my son's band still rebels. So absolutely number one

They got booked to do a tracy guns tour Who who had the band la guns and he was right guns and roses for a year And he heard he heard a lot of cuts from that their album that's going to come out Pulled valley days and so he he booked them on this big tour. He's going to do in october But just today it was finalized that my boys are Are starting off first band at osfest the final osfest crazy That's a congratulations. Yeah, I I couldn't even believe when I got that. It's un fucking boy able Well, see people just don't forget, you know shower and osborne saw them on the late late show

About a year and a half ago And I get a text from her last week and I call her up and She she didn't forget and I tell them all the time I go these people like shower and osborne when they see you just like producers and directors that watch young comics and go Three years. I'm coming after that guy, you know, they watch you develop You know, so for them to get this osfest like I'm like out of my mind from it You know most guests come on here and we laugh and we giggle This has been more of uh, yeah

A talk I've no no I've learned a lot in this this thing. So I want to thank you for coming on tonight You know, I'll come on the show anytime you want. I love you. I love I don't know Let me do these things here and we'll get the hell out of here. Like I said, it's concert season It's baseball season Football seasons around the corner and that's when you're gonna need what I'm about to talk to you about What's the next big event you want to go to? Like I said old cellar, you know preseason football It's coming right back to LA all this stuff. Whatever it is. You can bet that it's awesome That it's awesome that someone's going to pay less for better seats. How they use score big

You're paying too much for tickets between all the markups and last minute convenience charges Even printed home fees you end up paying court side prices for non-seat bleed and whatever What do you call those nose bleed seats score big is here to change that Did you know that 40 of all live event tickets go on sold? And did you know that there's a place to get these seats at huge savings? It's called score big score big works directly with your favorite teams and artists to get their unsold seats At unpublished prices only would score big can you name a ticket price and be guaranteed to pay below box office Of the 60 off. Here's what you do

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Why are you sitting up there with those fucking radar fans? You fucking savages score big.com Come on joey fuck nuts Anyway, I'm sorry to get emotional from time to time you need to and this is where this app comes in Meditation is tremendous. I knew none about meditation. I know about smoking weed and whatever When I went to school in bold I used to do walking meditation on monday nights with a bunch of dirty people and you know what it worked meditation fucking works But it's like what we do we go to church and we pray if you breathe and say in our father's meditate That's true, but there's so many different forms of meditation, but listen, I ain't no meditation guru

That is why let's be honest. Most of your problems start with your mind the other night andrew Something weird happened to me. I was here with my main man li and we tossed down about 750 million The only reason why me and li and I tossed in one star during the show is because i'm done with that because I got high like i'm high tonight But we started fucking around in the second hour. We took a fucking A star But when I got home

I ate like uh like a banana and I had an apple And I had some fucking wasabi almonds and I went to sleep and something happened in the middle of that I had to get up and pee okay I get up and pee I lay down and all of a sudden my nose got clogged I get up I blow my nose and I lay back down I put the sleep apnea mask on And my wife turned And I could feel her finger An inch away from my back, but every time I would breathe her finger would tickle my back

You know what I'm saying? I gotta move an inch away from her and now i'm sitting and i'm like, what is this sleep apnea machine broke? And I got myself all worked up. I had to get up spray my nose lay back down I couldn't fucking connect my breathing with my nose. Oh my god And I fucking had to go on living room and you know what I just want to live my turn the tv on No, I just sat there like a mutt and breathe out of my nose And within 20 minutes I was fucking tired. I went back in I fell asleep And all that is you know deep breathing is meditation just breathing, but anyway

Breathing's everything. That's why I don't fucking eat right? That's why I don't eat edibles after we do it That's the malook you put on yourself eat the edible And let it go if it works it works if it's not it's in god's hands Yeah, right you leave it in god's hands. Sometimes we gotta fucking knock out And sometimes you get fucking late tonight. We're okay, right? Lee you're not past night. You're not gonna stay until one in the morning Um, I'll be okay. All right He's hysterical. He's a savage. Let's be honest most of your problems start your mind fear anger stress Anxiety depression sleeplessness they'd be getting your head, but they can wreck your life

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Already getting some headspace for free right now. Do yourself a favor Download the free headspace app and begin their take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com Slash joey, that's right. I'm talking to you cocksuckers about meditation Because you should all be doing it go to headspace.com slash joey the headspace take 10 program Is a hundred percent free way to experience the benefits of meditation in your busy modern life So why fuck around train your mind for a healthier less stress life start with your free trial today right now right now Download it headspace.com slash joey again. That's headspace.com Slash joey headspace does not play games

And that's it beside that we got on it always go to on it.com And see that I just ordered some green living food to throw my little milkshake in the morning Very interesting a little almond milk with a little fucking strawberries some blueberries some raspberries You want me to make you one? Not bad with some flax seeds Nice it takes the the swelling off your brand. You look tremendous. Andrew. Basically, you don't need no fucking flax seeds Anyway, I'm in sacramento next weekend. Yes sacramento the 12th and the following week pittsburgh pennsylvania bitches get your shit together

Oh, wait, do we know where i'm going? No, we know where you're going the most important fucking ticket you people want to buy and let me tell you some I seen roge stewart out there. There's a place out there. That's out Anyway, if you're gonna be in the east coast july 30th, andrew dice clay at the coney island amphitheater Pre-sale tomorrow 10 a.m. Yeah, hold name dice go to andrewdiceclay.com right now to get tickets Stop fucking around. Yeah, because he has other dates going on. Are you canadiens come down? Yeah come down I don't know if that was my canadian accent Okay, but you're talking about trying to promote the kezwick and uh bethlehem. Do you know those dates? Uh

Maybe the 14th may 14th sands bethlehem 5 13 13 uh The tropic canner in las vegas may 28. Oh may 28. That's a big one the kezwick theater may 18th Uh, chicago the club panica center What is that word? I'll just take your word for the club panica center chicago. It's all on your website too. So june 18 Oh, so why am I doing this? Yeah, that's what i'm just following what he's doing. No, you're smart You're smart, but tomorrow it is pre-sale for the coney island amphitheater 10 a.m But they can get all that on your website andrewdiceclay.com deals on the tickets when they go to andrewdiceclay.com to look at this tremendous

Core schedule will be back monday night eight o'clock Don't fuck around. We love you cock suckers. I don't know what's here I'll be in jersey uncle vinnies june 10th and 11th uncle from the fucking vinnies. Then you'll see me I don't know you know helium He'll be in helium before you work that together, right? Yeah, lisa. Yeah, I love you cock sucker I love you. I did a podcast before that I did a podcast with a uh Like a licensed medical marijuana grower who like has won awards and I just go to my podcast life of neutral here

All right, stay black. Have a great weekend I love you guys. Thank you, andrew for coming on. I'm all right. Thank you for having me Do this thing lee this show is brought to you by headspace Go to headspace.com slash joy right now and download the free headspace app and begin the take 10 program For 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash joey that is headspace.com slash joey And the show is brought to you by score big go to score big Dot com slash joey right now. Oh, I'm not I'm sorry Just go to score big dot com right now and either download the score big app

If you are an iphone user if you're not an iphone user or if you'd rather use your computer You just go to score big dot com and when you are checking out Enter promo code joey and you're gonna save 20 dollars off of your first ticket purchase So that's score big dot com or the score big iphone app and use promo code joey And go to onon.com and use promo code church That's promo code church onon.com to save 10 on all of the great optimization products And everything's so funny and everyone's so fake And everybody's empty and everything is so messed up

But I keep on without you walking around at all I'm the world's around you, it's the world and I crawl You could be my someone, you could be my seat You know that I'm protective from all of the unseen All I want is your death when I imagine where you are Consumptions on these wheels, that's not a literary far Oh Everyone is changing

It's real to make up your own ending Let me know just how you feel because I am lost without you I cannot live at all But the world's around you, it won't stop moving I crawl And you could be my someone, you could be my seat You know that I will save you from all of the ugly I wonder what you'll do when no one knows where you are Consumptions in between us, that's not a literary far

Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? Wish you'll get my best It's the thing you gave to me Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? Wish you'll get my best It's the thing you gave to me

No one told me what you're done No one told me what to say No one showed you where to turn I told you where to run away No one told you where to hide No one told you what to say No one showed you where to turn Showed you where to run away

Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? Wish you'll get my best It's the thing you gave to me Can you take it all away? Wish you'll get my best It's the thing you gave to me It's the thing you gave to me

Can you take it all away? It's the thing you gave to me Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away? Can you take it all away?

Can you take it all away? you