Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #378 - Owen Benjamin

Episode Date: May 10, 2016

Owen Benjamin, Comedian, actor, and host of the "Why Didn't They Laugh" podcast joins joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Naturebox.com - Go to Naturebox.com/joey for 50% off of your first box.    Datsusara: Go to Datsusara.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/09/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Nature Box. Say goodbye to weird mystery ingredients and start snacking confidently with Nature Box. Visit naturebox.com slash joey to get 50% off of your first box. That's naturebox.com slash joey right now. Go there right now and get the right snacks for 2016. It's naturebox.com slash joey. I do want to go too. To get 50% off of your first box. Show is also brought to you by onnet.com. Go to onnet.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of the great optimization products like Alpha Brain and New Mood and Shumtech Mood and Shumtech Sport. And we'd like to

welcome a new sponsor. This show is brought to you by DatSoussara. That's DatSoussara. D-A-T-S-U-S-A-R-A. Extremely high quality functional gear made with hemp textiles. They have bags, ease, rash guards, and much much more. They have bags. Go to datsoussara.com right now and check them out. Oh shit. May 9th, motherfuckers. Post Mother's Day. The church of what's happening now. Monday. The day the devil was buried at sea and fucked in the ass and lit on fire and dropped off at Cosby's house. Oh shit. Owen Benjamin. What's up? What's the story, Lisa? I'm doing good. Oh my god. These stores are

kicking in fashion. Yeah, yeah. We're not fucking around. I've been fermenting these. You know what I'm saying? These have been sitting in the dark. Owen Benjamin. What's happened? Just the stars are kicking in pretty hard. Fuck yeah. And I wouldn't even let you eat the second one because I know these things smack people around really hard. But it's Monday night. We got to kick out the jams, brothers and sisters. Great weekend last weekend. I hope everybody's weekend was great. Lisa, what'd you do? I had kind of an easy weekend. Paula's on a cruise with her mom. She's finishing law school. So just kind of hung out. I watched the Dice

Man Cometh after that podcast on Wednesday. That was great. And yeah, that was a pretty low key weekend. How about yourself? Me too. I didn't do dick. I did the spots Saturday night. Decided to hang out with the family. Monday, Sunday, I want to go to Mother's Day. She went to church. I went to Jiu-Jitsu. I called her. She goes, I don't feel good. Come home. So all our plans were broken because she gets migraine headaches. And that was my fucking weekend. That was I didn't do shit. I wrote a little bit. Did a couple of jumping jacks. Nice. Went down to the fucking comedy store. What else you want from me? That's what you do. People

expect that you weren't jet-setting. Oh, I went down to the Bahamas and hung out with Pete. I don't do nothing. It's amazing how many people do that though. Like on a weekly basis. They're like, oh, I'm going to San Diego for the weekend or I'm going up north. It's like an every weekend thing out here. Yeah, it's basically like I'm going to go sit in a little tube in the sky because that's what you're doing. You're like traveling most of the vacation. If you do like a one nighter, what's the point? It's like a nine hour flight for like to sit at a beach that just looks like your beach. Right? Two days. I don't know. I never had all that

energy. Yeah. I didn't have like when you grew up in East Coast, you always have that weekend outing place. For us, it was the Jersey Shore. Right. And that was one summer where I would go down. It always felt like too much work for me. You know, at least that's what it did for me. There's a lot of people I'd say lifestyle, man. You know, the Agostino sister, she's not every fucking four nights a week. She's dirty. I don't know how people do it. But I did, I'll sit here now and go, I don't know how people do it. I did the same thing just in a smaller frame. I bought a stout pack and went home and snorted a gram of coke by myself.

So what's the fucking difference? You're still killing yourself in one way or another. It's just, I don't know. I don't know. I just not never been that scares me. Like I just, I'm a very, I don't want to say anti-social, but I like being by myself and the thought of being out. Like I never understood that in college when they went out four nights a week. I would never want to be out with people four nights, like in a big bar or something. It's, I don't know. It freaks me out a little bit. Yeah. I'm too tall to go places. How tall are you now? Six, seven.

Damn it. So it's like, yeah, people are always bumping into me and like, thinking I'm trying to fight them when I'm just standing there. Did you used to go out a lot when you were younger? Kind of not really. I think just doing comedy. I've done comedy now since college. So I was always traveling. So I never really looked forward to more. It's almost like our job is people's party. So it's like, you don't live in the frat house. You know, you kind of just kind of go, it makes sense. I don't know. I was like, I went to get tacos last night.

My wife says, well, I want to go get tacos and I went to that cactus place. And next to this cactus is a bar called the Starlight Lounge. And I was just waiting there. You know, the phone rang one time, a friend of mine called Salami called. I talked to him, but the whole time I was watching the bar and it's like, there's a bar culture. There's a nightclub culture. There's all these cultures that you went to their music, comedy culture. There's people that go to improv every night. You know, there's people that do, you know, when I was growing up, I went to a happy hour, one Tuesdays.

I went to a ladies night on Wednesday. The whole point of the evening was getting fucked up when I was growing up. When I was growing up, it was to, to snort, blow any pills and fucking pass out somewhere. Yeah. You know, and yeah, pussy was somewhere in there. But we went out just to fucking rave and rage, whatever that word is, and have a good time. But then there's that culture, that bar culture, that dirty, dingy bar culture, which I have nothing against those bars. I grew up in one of those bars.

My mom had one of those bars, but that culture always bothered me. That certain thing. They're out there smoking and their body language, you know, they got the hats on and they got the bar outfit on and their body language is like, look at us. We're partying. We're doing something. Nobody, like it just had this weird thing. Like they had the four dudes come out and smoked and three other dudes.

And the token black guy came out because every of those bars in studio city have a token black dude. Yeah. Like we, we like black people. We live hanging, hanging on here, you know, those type of fucking moron that you could see right through. But this is looks like an old Navy commercial. Yeah. It was just like, it's got everybody's representative. Everybody's representative. Hey, I'm the Arab guy, but I'm just like you guys. Yeah. And they drank in it.

I still remember being stuck in those bars. Like when I was a kid, like to go get drugs or something in the afternoon and having to listen to that small talk used to make me fucking sick. Even as a kid sitting in my mom's bar, I would look at those people and go, how do they sit there all fucking day? Yeah, it's like performative. It's like they're doing it to be seen doing to be seen doing if you really love booze, you just sit home and drink. Yeah. They go to a bar and they talk and they plan trips to go fucking in there.

You know, the whole conversation the next day is how whack they got the night before. Like, how was it in here after I left? Oh, we got whack. Billy came in and bought shots for the house. Really that tight fucking you sit there and you're like, Jesus Christ, what are they talking about? What the fuck are they talking about? They have this fake care like, you know, well, I don't know, you know,

Lee comes in here and he's strength, 16 doubles. I've never seen him eat. He's a fucking Alky, you know, what the fuck is your problem? You're an Alky. It's just it's just it's always driven me fucking crazy. And yesterday I saw it and it reminded me. I remember going home and eat and telling my wife, God tell you what, I never understood that bar culture.

Like I never liked it at all. And I remember still hanging at bars and like in the mid 80s, like just living in Jersey and going to those dumb little bars in the neighborhood. And I remember leaving there going, the thing I'm happy the most is I don't have to go to those fucking bars no more. Listen to that dumb, small talk and the bartender talk. Fuck that noise. You ever work at a bar? Fuck yeah.

My mom had a bar. So my mom's my stepdad hated the bar business. Like he didn't drink. So when you don't drink, you don't understand it. I always wanted to drink when I came from Cuba, all the TV shows, any TV show, Dick Van Dyke, any TV show you watch always had booze and they'd always had bottles with no label on like everybody's house in America had an alcohol drink.

Right when you walked in the door, right when you walked in the door. It used to make me feel weird that I didn't drink. Yes, yes. You grow up going, I can't wait to own comes over the house. And in those days, people didn't ask. Like we're not like pussies, how we are now. Right. Like now let me get Stoley's short. In those days, people fucking you walk in my house.

Oh, and I drink this shit. Yeah, I take the glass, I put the ice cubes in, I pour it and I hand it to you. You wouldn't ask me if it was whiskey or gin or scotch. You would just say cheers. Yeah, and fucking drink it. So who doesn't want to do that? I want to do that. I want to do that right now.

I wanted to fucking do that. You're not doing that right now is the responsible way. These stars and alcohol don't mix, I don't think. I've never been able to really don't think these stars. Weed and alcohol from God doesn't really do anything. Yeah, it doesn't. It knows it out. I think if I smoke first and drink, I'm done.

If I drink first and I smoke, I get sick. So it was always like a cat's 22. But it was so weird how seeing that yesterday said to me, Jesus Christ, I can't believe I got out of that fucking life, you know, just hanging out at bars. I never really liked it. But growing up, I used to see those people after the effects. Even as a child, I'd see him drunk and even as a 10 year old child, I wouldn't let them talk to me like they fucking bothered me.

Right. And it bothered me that my mom was doing it along with that. Like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Me and my stepdad would just go see you and we get in the car and say, look at those fucking losers. Like, I swear to God, I always never liked that shit. Right. And what are you going to do? Hey, listen, that's what makes the world go around that we all have different face. Yeah, I don't like the club club culture really either.

The club culture. Yeah, that was weird to me. Yeah, because it's like waiting in line to then go into a bar. I don't understand that. Like when you wait in line, like people wait in line like three hours to go. Get the same booze. It's at the dive bar. You know, I never understood that. And I went to I went to all those clubs in New York growing up, you know,

I went to studio at the end, though, and like on a Thursday night, I went to Xenon's and all those dumb clubs they talked about. If I said to you, I went more than once. I'm lying to you. Even then, they just weren't my. Yeah, I'm doing well. I want to talk. I can't talk when music is blurring in my ear. So if I talk to you, I got to hit you with a shot of bad breath. And then you talk to me, you got to hit me with a shot of bad breath all night.

You just smelling bad fucking breath. I didn't like it. I didn't like why does anybody like this shit? I don't like when I was 19, like I said, 19 to 22. I went to a couple of clubs after a few drinks. I would dance, you know, but it wasn't like listen, now in those days, let's get something straight. And even back then, Uncle Joe, you don't wait on lines. Like that culture is a culture that's destroyed me.

Right. Like I don't get that culture at all. Like when I go to Austin, I love the barbecue, but I'm not waiting online. Yeah, you don't. That's not my bag to wait online and tell people we waited for an hour. I don't get like pinks, like the hot dog shit is always like a crazy line to get a hot dog. I don't do that, that place, the breakfast place on Sunset on Fairfax. Yeah, ten years ago, Lindsey Lohan went in there before one of her trials. So every day you'd go in there, I drive by and see a line in front of me.

And me and Faveman, a bunch of us would be going to Duke's, get a nice cheese omelet with fucking curly cut French fries and Coke. And I'd see these muts waiting online to get fucking eggs, waiting online to get eggs, waiting online to get eggs, which anybody can make a fucking good egg and you sprinkle it with whatever the fuck they sprinkle on it. But that whole scene thing, why do people do that? Because it just, it just appeals to their instincts.

You know the place I'm talking about, the griddle. Yeah, right across the Starbucks. It's something, a coffee bean on Sunset and Fairfax. There's a line there and 60 yards away. There's a bagel place that dude will make a nice bagel on locks. It makes Jews jealous. You understand me? She's from Arabia somewhere.

She's over there fucking putting locks on bagels or onions or the fucking delicious. There's no line there. No line. Nobody even or a nice turkey with cream cheese or a tomato. Every time I go in there's one. Everything you're saying right now sounds fucking delicious. Incredible. I don't fuck around.

So I don't understand why you would stand on that line to tell your friends that me and Benjamin went to the griddle. So they, oh my God, it was fucking fun. What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck are you? And I've been there. It's a nice breakfast. But it's not worth the line.

No, I wouldn't stand on a fucking line there. Have you ever placed that was great and then they changed it to one of those places? I had a breakfast place that was perfect and then they changed. They added crepes. They painted everything and it made it look like it's like an old country place. And it was like it was depressing. Was there a line? No, no, there was now.

It took it took like three times as long because they changed owners. It was it's something that Joey talks to me about a lot is like not fake. Like don't fix something that's not broken. Like why like it's and that's something in my life too that always whenever I overreact to something, it ends up like backfiring in my face. Yeah, it's like those species that they'll bring in to kill like a bad species. And then it fucking makes a worse thing. Oh, it's the worst.

And like for I don't know about you, but like in my life, it just destroys things. Like if I like, OK, I need to fix this. And so to fix this, I'm going to go eight hours out of my way to fit. And then it ends up like not even working. And if you just let things happen, I don't know. It's something I've been trying to fix lately because I'll overreact. See, but maybe you're trying to fix the fix thing. That's true. Yeah.

And that's another point. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're fixing things you want to do eight hours out of the way. I don't know. Like let's say you had a show and it's like what you were talking about earlier. You used to fly in a night before and get ready for radio and be all prepared and we'll rest it and then the radio show wouldn't bring you tickets. So now you just you have a good night's sleep and you go on the next day

and it's easier and you get just as many people coming in or more and you don't have that stress of going to LAX at five p.m. And and a night away from your family, just stuff that you think you need to do. But it's the simple, the simpler, the better, at least for me. Oh, I see what you're saying. Well, even when we first started the podcast, when you and I throw ideas, you come up with a good idea, but it's not a simple idea. You know, I have to do too much work to get to that final result.

Right. We got three days and you're talking about a two year proud, you know, and that's we all do that. We we, you know, overreact. That's what overcomplicate. Yeah, something that's just and it's it'll it'll ruin something that could be great. I hate my wife's scheduling. I want to fucking choke my wife's in time. I'm going to live in one because I'll see her do something.

She could do two days from now, and it wouldn't really fucking matter. You know, it drives me fucking crazy. I always ask, let me see, you know, overprepare a step thing or she gets too wound up. OK. This morning, the chick was coming in to watch the baby. Mondays is the only day Mercy doesn't go to school. Yeah, we bring one in and she helps watch the baby. Well, my wife goes food shopping and then I sit for a while

and want to do some laundry and then she'll clean a little bit. One only comes in on Mondays and Fridays. Guess what my wife is doing at seven in the morning? Fucking laundry. As you're about to ring one into doing, right? You know what I'm saying? So I'm about to ring her fucking neck. I see I'm being trash cans.

Friday, we went to lunch. We got food, but it was it was too much food. I cut my steak in half purpose purposely. So I would have breakfast, steak and eggs for breakfast. Right. So it was a 12 hour steak. I cut it in half. She couldn't fucking finish a steak. And her mashed potatoes and her fucking asparagus

and something else the day before we had made spaghetti. Saturday, I said to her, listen, I'm not feeling too good. She goes, what do you want for dinner? I go, there's a steak in there. There's horseradish mashed potatoes. There's this, there's this, there's this, there's this. I don't want nothing. I get up out of bed.

I smell fucking food. I go in the kitchen and I go, what are you cooking? She goes, I made tortilla soup. I go, why the fuck would you make tortilla soup? Now nobody's gonna eat that shit. That's why we had to throw away those four fucking hamburgers. Right. You're following me. She'll say, well, you didn't eat the hamburgers.

And why the fuck did you make that? If you knew there was hamburgers in there? That's fucking bad scheduling. Yeah, that's fucking bad scheduling. Totally. You didn't plan to move three days ahead, you know? If you want your life to be easier, you have to cut that fat out. Keep that nut low.

Keep that fat out and keep the nut low. And that's what I believe in. Less movement. I'm 53. I'm halfway done. I got one for the grave, one up and an appeal. These are the years where you bend over to put your shoes on. Also, you see purple. And next thing you know, you're in a box

and they're fucking throwing sand on you. So. Guys like Owen and myself, we don't fucking know, Owen. When Brad Pitt's doing a movie and some guy slips on a banana peel and gets hurt and they're shooting a movie in Atlanta for 60 days. So I'm always thinking like that, that I want to be ready for that call.

I want to be ready for that call. If I got to leave in three fucking days. So a lot of times I wouldn't do like right now. Oh, and how many years have you lived in LA? So you're not doing the same shit you did in the beginning when you were here. No, you just said before the show, which I'm not ashamed of saying either.

It's a bad habit that we have this. Yeah, because we would never do this 13 years ago. We would never get a call from an audition at night and go, I'm going, wake up in the morning. I call Lee and go, Lee, let me ask you something. Where's Susquehanna Street and we'll go. That's two hours and it's always trafficking there. You're auditions at nine forty five.

What's your first impulse now? Let me look at the side again. Yes, sir, Fox. Let me look at the show where it stands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Number 18. Fuck it. Hello. Yeah, I woke up with a sore throat. I won't be able to go to my fucking audition.

You see things for what they are. When you call me for an audition for an ambiguous character now, he's a homeless guy. Just go in there and be you. Just have fun with that. Do me a favor. Where is it? 430 down in Santa Monica.

Let me answer your question. Would you send your mother down there for 30? No, I wouldn't. And what the fuck you sending me down to 430? Call these people back and say, I'm available tomorrow, 11, 15. If not, I won't go. And it's a horrible request in our mind.

But we we what's the what's the word? We pro qualified the fucking thing. For some people, they say that we pre qualified that we already lost for some people. Like you and I look at it and go, how's this going to change my life? Right. How's this going to change my fucking life?

The only thing I'm doing this for is for insurance. That's basically it. I'm doing this for insurance. So I can hit that number every year to get level one or two. I'm not doing this because I really want to. By the way, people, Owen Benjamin just gave me a look that I recognize. It's a look that's telling me.

What's that? I'm crazy high. Yeah. It's let's hit you. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. No, but it's cool. Like all your story.

Cause you're such a descriptive talk or that everything you're saying, I'm like literally seeing in my head. It's really fun. Well, it's just so weird Owen that you see things. I look at this and I go, what is that? I got it. This shoots and like, I got a call today.

Son of a boss. See me valid. It's not gonna happen. Right. It's not gonna happen. Your radius for travel is smaller and smaller. You're crazy. It's not gonna happen.

At this point, if it's not at like WB and Burbank. Unless you pick it up. You can Skype it. I'm picking up an envelope. See me round. He's not gonna work. I'll tell you on Tuesday. That's all those cops were for OJ.

That's what they're all for. Yeah. You see that? Yeah. See me round. It's so weird how people call me. Oh yeah. Yeah.

We're doing this thing Thursday. I keep getting this kid on Facebook. It hits me up every two weeks. Hi, I got a show done at the Playhouse Theater in Santa Monica at 10 o'clock at night. Listen, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen. It's at Bakersfield in 15 minutes.

Yeah. No, it's you look at things for what the fuck they are after a while. You know, you look at your schedule. You know what you're gonna wanna do and what you're not gonna wanna do. You know, this shoots at Fox. Do I really wanna go to fucking Fox?

Sit there for four days and one of those fucking cabinets they give you that smell like ass and shit and then put up with this director telling me I can't use that line. You know what? It's weird. It's almost like you go like when you're poor as a kid

and then you start doing better, then you go back to the trailer park when you become a star. Isn't that kind of funny? Yeah. Like they're living in trailers. Like it's like, it's like you end up back in a trailer park.

In a fucking trailer. And I love acting. I love all that shit. But at the end of the day, now with the new after rates and shit, you look at this and you know what time this is. I'm getting fucked in the ass of this. I'm getting fucked in the ass of this.

Unless this is a role, I'm really gonna enjoy doing. Or unless, you know, I'm doing a favor. Nine out of 10 times. I told Lee a thousand times, my best part of auditioning is booking something. I hate when I have to do the job. I just love booking it. I love getting all them saying you booked it.

Once I gotta go, I gotta go to wardrobe tomorrow and fucking Christ. All that shit bothers me. Especially now after being here fucking this long. I'd rather you just see it for what it is. And it's a horrible attitude. I do not recommend it to anybody, but it's the same way in life.

You start seeing things for what the fuck they are. You know, as you get older, that boss is really a fucking scumbag. You know, why the fuck am I doing this job? I'm gonna put away my own money and start my own business doing this. I'm over here doing this, making this guy a millionaire. You start seeing things for what the fuck they are.

So, you know, with me over the years, when you first get here, let's just talk about Hollywood to just narrow it down for people. You do all these things in the beginning. You really fall for, you know, many times if you've gotten up, gotten dressed to go to a meeting

and the guy tells you he's got a low budget on an all day movie and you got two days on it. And you want to look at the guy and go, so you couldn't tell me this on the phone? Right. And you couldn't email this fucking banana script. This fucking banana script. And then after a while,

you start seeing those meetings and going, I'm not going to that. Right. I'm not going to that at 430. I'm not going, you just start eliminating stuff from your life, you know. For years, I would get here in comics would call me all day.

How do you do this? How do you get a role in the fucking movie? You got to work. And you're telling me the advice and they'd still bust your balls. Now nobody calls. You know, they saw it for what it was. I saw it for what it was, you know, with my day.

I don't like a lot of fucking movement. But I know that going in. Ever since I was a kid, I always liked working close to where I live. I never understood people who drove an hour to the work. And, you know, that's four fucking hours, two hours each way. At one point, you're going to go,

I'm not doing this no more. Now you don't have a fucking job. That's like you're living in your car at that point. Yeah. It's kind of like when we're talking about the vacations, like you're just sitting in a tube in the sky most of the time. It's like, yeah, my wife,

she would have to drive to Irvine back and forth every day. She was an engineer and there weren't, there wasn't a lot of jobs. So she had to take that one. And it got her to the point where she was like, she'd come home just crying. She was like, I'm, I just live in a little box in the highway.

You know, that's fucking, and so she, she's done. She was like, fuck that. No. And people, it takes people a long time to understand it. And they can't get away from it. But I always recommend to people that my life changed when I started being accountable for it. You know, people lose weight

when they start being accountable for their diets. People lose, you know, when you sit down and you're right, your budget. The same thing also happens for your time. If you get a notebook right out where, like if you look at my notebook and you talk to me, like if you call me, you don't even need a GPS. I tell you exactly where I am in my notebook.

That's exactly where I'm gonna be every fucking day. I got Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I tell you what time I'm fucking arriving. I tell you what time I gotta be here on Monday. What time I gotta leave my house for the airport. You know, just from looking at it. And I stick to it. And if nothing is in that realm, I don't do it.

You know, people call me all the time, hey, I got a podcast. Can you do it? Where is it taped? Culver City. Listen, I love you to death, but I gotta get something Culver City to go down there. I can't, not money.

I don't want money from you. But I gotta get an audition or something. I gotta bring a suit back. I gotta do something. I just can't go to Culver City, especially when my whole day's over here. You know, 10 years ago, we were getting involved in that and say, what the fuck?

Why did I even do this? You know, now you have a wife and a child. I have friends that call me and they go, hey man, can you do my podcast? Absolutely. What time? Six o'clock in fucking Beverly Hills. That's not gonna happen.

I gotta eat dinner with my fucking family. You know what I'm saying? They're your priority shit. So you change, you change all this shit. And you look at your time. My time in my head, ever since I was a fucking junkie, the time in my head was always valuable. For some reason, it was always valuable.

I don't know how people have all this time to, like when you tell me you take a train downtown, or you take a fucking car ride to go eat dumplings. I don't fathom that in my mind. But then I think about when I was 19, I used to take a two hour drive to get a fucking roast beef sandwich from down to Jersey Shore.

All right. And for me, like the train went up so much to the driving, but the train is like an example of what I was talking about. Like trying to overthink something. Like, oh, I'm gonna take the train to Hollywood to save time and to save $10 on parking. But then you have to wait 20 minutes for the train. And then there's 18 stops

and there's a thousand people on the train and what you save five bucks. So just might as well just drive down there. You know, it's like these people that take the train over here in North Hollywood. Right. They walk three blocks to park to save a quarter. Why'd you get the car?

Right. I mean, there's Mercedes back there. They parked BMWs back there. If I made a monthly payment to a BMW and Mercedes, I'd have it right next to the train under the fucking cameras when people see that fucking car. But that's just me. I'd figure that into my monthly budget.

Hold on one second. Let me call fucking Hollywood Transit and see how much it costs to park. So I don't have to act like a fucking yam and park three miles away so I could save 15 fucking cents. I never understood those fucking things. Listen, man, there's so many things you don't fucking understand.

And after a while, you go, you know what, I don't even have time to think about it. No more. I'm just not gonna pay attention to these fucking morons. No. Jesus Christ. What's the matter, Lee? Nothing.

You're sweating, you know. Oh, I'm just a little high. You're fucking red already. What happened, Lee? You're falling apart on me. Paula's gone. She's on a cruise ship. Eating that fucking death food they give you on there.

It's scary. I didn't want to tell her before she left, but there's a cruise ship right now. Whenever I think of something is gonna be fun, I think of what you would say if I told you I was doing it. And after that hot tub thing, I went and I was like, okay, maybe a cruise would be fun. What was the hot tub thing?

Hot tub thing, I got in a hot tub on an air B&B and I got a sty. So like the only I would get the one and... You got a sty, you got fungus on his head. I'd be the only one. You got a fucking. You was that commercial with the guy with the shingles? Yeah.

He comes in and he's like, how you doing today? He's like, not good. No, that was it. You got it from a hot tub? From a hot tub and fucking big bear? Because the air B&B to save 10 bucks like a fucking Puerto Rican.

Next time get in a hotel and they're fucking justifiable, but you're paying 60 bucks and sleep in a hotel. What do you think these people do with these air B&B people? You think they really scrub and dub the house? No, if that person, you know, they'll just put the fucking double sheet on and they won't light the top. So if that fucking nasty motherfucker's got lice,

now he's living in the floorboard or the headboard. Right, yeah. That's why I was thinking about cruises. It's like face herpes. Yeah, it's the worst. And then, and then it always, everything always happens with Joey, like the day of a podcast.

I see Joey maybe two, maybe three times a week and I'll be fine. Like, and the rest of the week I'm fine. The day before I see Joey, I wake up, I'll have like a huge pimple on my head. Just anything to give him an ammunition against me. But like this is cruise ship that just docked in Maine with like a quarter of the people

had like a full, the worst stomach full, ignore a virus or whatever that fuck. And I was like, oh, you can't go on cruises. Yeah, they're kind of like shit boats. They're just full. There's so much shit in a cruise. What do you think of that plane this? Pretty soon people gonna be able to get herpes

on their planes and HIV. They don't clean those fucking things either. No. Even if they wipe them down in between flights. No. You ever see a Southwest flight fucking land? You get right back on it. You don't see those smoke coming out of it or no DDT.

You see Chinese people coming out with masks and shit. You know, those fucking planes are filthy. Fucking filthy, those fucking planes. They don't do dick. Maybe at night they spray them on international flights, which I don't know, but I don't, I'm not international. So I don't know what they do on those flights. But I see one American Airlines

when your plane has a problem. Also, they bring another one from the gate. I don't see people in there rubbing down the seats in first class or in coach or spraying anything. They pick up loose papers and fix the seat belts. But that's it. Yeah, there's like drool and shit everywhere. It's like when you're on a long flight, you get dirty.

No, I have handy wipes. I got everything. I got a little fucking sprayer with Lysol. I got, I got in my carry on. Fuck you. I wiped down the seat. Fuck you. You're gonna have to wait, cuckuck.

I don't give a fuck. I used to work in a movie theater. They would never clean anything. Like people, all we would do is sweep the popcorn under the seats in front of it. So look, I don't think anyone cleans anything. No, they don't clean dick. And those Airbnb's are hot tub from 1940.

How many think loads were shot in that fucking thing? I see a hot tub in 84. You're safe. Right before the head broke out. You're fucking safe. But now you got a fucking hot tub. You know, God knows what the fuck's in it unless it's modern.

Yeah, there's some ADZ hot tubs out there. There is? Well, I mean, there's like some shit where you look at it and you're like, that's a fucking dirty hot tub. Oh no, those are dirty motherfuckers. Those hotel hot tub, you go in there. That's malaria from little kids. Little moms go in there with fucking dirty, filthy,

fucking kids. Really? I was gonna say that hotels would be cleaner because they have to keep them clean. Well, if you go to a fucking, listen, if you go to a four season, which, you know, I'm not Johnny Four Season, but if you go to a four season on one of those high four star chains,

you know, well, you're not gonna see that many kids. You know, when I traveled during the week, what do we get, those three stars, whatever the fuck they give us at a comedy club? Yeah, I mean, the condos are fucking dirty. Yeah, the condos are fucking filthy. But the hotels that we stay at, if there's kids and they're jumping up and down the pool into jacuzzi,

you got a problem. When you go to those four seasons or those higher end hotels, you don't see that many kids. It's adults and business people doing laps. We've heard a lot of stories about the La Jolla condo, but what about like, what are some other condos like that are like throughout the over some time? Cleveland's got an interesting condo.

What do they do? Well, it's just like right across from the strip club, which is across from the improv. And it's just you go in there and there's just some dark shit's happening there. You can just feel it. So the Cleveland improv has a bad condo? Well, I kind of like it just cause I don't know,

it's kind of convenient to shit, but it just has that vibe of like. When was the last time you were a Cleveland? Last year, maybe two years ago? Okay, so, okay. So this is the powerhouse right here, right? This is the powerhouse building with Cleveland. Yeah.

The strip club is right here. Okay, it's right across. You have to like walk. So I'm right in the river there. It's on the water. Yeah, it's right on the water, yeah. And then you walk this way here and there's a building. And this, that's where the condo still is.

Like a second or third, but right across from it, there's a little bar. Is that little dingy? Yeah, it's like an Irish name or some shit, yeah. That bar is fucking. That condo's not bad. Yeah, I like it, buddy. I got a face to get fucked up in that condo.

But there's just like broken shit? Like there's a broken table? That was 15 fucking years ago. You know, that was, the last time I was in that fucking condo, guess what I watched? The first time I ever watched the sopranos. So 1999.

Wow. Was the last time I was in that fucking condo. No, I'm lying to you. I was there after the longest yard. And I basically went there for three days to get fucking sizzled out of my brain. That was one of the places where when I left the hotel room to take the plane,

I was paranoid to even leave the building. Like the whole ride to the hotel, I kept thinking, jumping out of the car. The strip club, they have a free lunch, right? A prime rib lunch. Yeah, they still have. Tell me they still have the prime rib lunch. Yeah, they definitely have like a big food thing going on.

That's 20 fucking years. The first time I went there to Cleveland was 1999. I went from Miami improv, which was like a paradise. People don't blow, people drinking, people fucking in the bathrooms. The bar stayed open till two. It was across the street. I'll never forget I went, so I was in Miami.

Is that coconut grove? This is when coconut grove, though, was coconut grove. Before fucking they turned it into all condos and the cops fucking closed it up. This is when coconut grove was, the first time I went to that Miami improv, it was Tuesday through Sunday. And it was the summer of 99.

And the first time I went to that Miami improv, the way I went, it was a condo. At that time, they were still putting me in condos and they put me in this condo. And it was the Tuesday night show. And I got out and they said, do you want food? And I was embarrassed. And I go, no, and I walked back to the condo

and I stayed in the condo and I was fucking starvingly. And next morning I got up and I walked over and got breakfast at the news. This was, did you ever go there when that place was across the street from the news? Something news, I forget what it was. And Lee, I was a feature act making fucking four, five hundred dollars a week

and breakfast was 20 dollars. My head almost blew up. My head almost blew up. You know, coconut grove was a heavy duty area at the time. Heavy fucking duty. I mean, everything can always be dollars for a soda. I mean, there was really nothing back then. That's crazy.

This is crazy, Lee. This was when coconut grove was coconut fucking grove. You know that hotel up the corner from Miami improv? Yeah, coconut grove. That's where the fucking Knicks and the NBA teams stay. That's what type of hotel it is up there. Heavy duty security cameras, valet parking, they had a shield.

The only people who stayed there were Richard Jenney. I forget, Miami improv only had two comics that stayed at that hotel. Everybody else stayed at the Newport or whatever the fuck it is there. But that Wednesday I went there and again I pulled the same stunt. I left there hungry and I went back.

Thursday it was an eight o'clock show and I left there again. This night I said, fuck you. I'm gonna find the fucking bodega. I walked three blocks, Lee. And it was like being in New York City. In what way? People everywhere.

It was one in the morning and there were people fucking everywhere, Lee. Everywhere. Girls dancing in pizza places. I kept walking the wrong way. I kept walking through a residential area. But if I walked a different way, and all of a sudden I bumped into waiters

from the parking improv and waitresses and they're making me go to this other bar and next thing you know, they're telling me if I wanna buy blow for three days I sat in that room in Miami with no blow, no booze. I didn't know nobody. And it became this fucking city.

It was amazingly, Lee, amazing. And you could get the one bar where they used to hang. You'd get dolphin, mahi-mahi, on a fucking seated bun with mayonnaise and coleslaw. You have no fucking idea who in Benjamin, who all in Benjamin is starting to see the devil ladies and gentlemen. I love it.

That's my boy out of fucking New York and shit. But the moral of the story was I went from this nightlife the first time because the second time I went to Miami I was crazy. I went from there to Cleveland to work Cleveland like January 2nd to January 9th. It was like a seven day Tuesday. Cleveland is probably just as exciting

in early January. Oh my god, Lee. When I pulled up it was freezing. There was snow on the ground. I went in and the goofy dude at the door goes, psst come here. He goes, here's some passes. You get free lunch at the strip club.

Again, when you're a free track and you're getting 500 a weekly, a free lunch is a free lunch. It's gonna cost you somewhere. It's gonna cost you the first time I went in there. These fucking strippers were disgusting. And one of them was cutting the meat. She was big, black.

They had a stripper cutting the meat. She was big, black and fat. And she was cutting the meat herself and putting her fingers in it and eating it and shit. The fucking. Ha ha ha ha. And the fucking meat was pink and the potatoes, you know, people were sticking their fingers

in the potatoes. I just ran out of there. And that was it. But I had a fucking, there's nothing around that. But if you walked up that hill, if you walk to the corner and if you walk out of that building and make a fucking left and walk up that hill and make another left and keep walking three blocks up

is where you find civilization. It's a Puerto Rican neighborhood. So I bought a couple of nickel bags and I bought some fucking food up there. And I didn't know it. That's the second biggest Puerto Rican population in the country is Cleveland because in the 50s, they brought Puerto Ricans to work up in Ohio

on the car manufacturers. So all those Puerto Ricans stayed there. Not that you give a fuck, but if you ever go to Cleveland, you got a Puerto Rican friend. That's it. That's what I'm telling you. That's the last time I was in fucking Cleveland.

But the first time I went, I was in the condo with a headliner. The second time I went, I was the headliner and I was in there by myself. And I remember watching the Sopranos Sunday night. And like, no, you know how they played for Sopranos during the week in those days, the episodes, like they play the episode on Sunday,

but during the week they kept playing it. That's the first time I was just watching TV one night. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? Do you remember the episode? No, no, it was like episode five, maybe. One of those, it was early on. But the funny thing was when I first moved to LA, I was doing comedy.

I was at the comedy salon, I signed with this manager named Ken Phillips. And between you and I, he was half retarded. He had a company in Georgia and he sold it and he took the money and just wanted to move out of here and become a comedy manager. He bought a bunch of suits.

He bought a fucking Range Rover. He had the wife with the fake tits. And then he fucking sent me on little gigs. And I went to New York one time, he got me a showcase in governors. He got me a showcase in Carolines and he called me back and he was, hey, I just got off the phone with this guy

and they want to see you in the city for this show called The Sopranos. He goes, I don't know what it's about. Just make a tape and take it to them. This is the address. And I'm like, I'm not dropping a fucking tape off about singers and shit. So I didn't drop it off.

See what happens? For being a fucking lazy. Oh, and we're feeling all right. Remember when you were trying to get some air? No, I'm fucking crazy high though. Okay, you want more water? Yeah, nice. Okay, let's do some water.

Fuck. I told you, you want to leave too. I saved you because I like one of the few guys in comedy I behave around. You and Steve Byrne, I like these both. You're gentlemen and shit. That's why I wanted to have you on the show. Every time I see you on Benjamin,

I always behave myself as a comic. I don't say a fucking word because he's such a nice guy. Really, thanks. You and Steve Byrne. One time I flipped out in front of Steve Byrne, not at Steve Byrne. I went off on a guy in front of Steve Byrne

and I'll never forget turning around how Steve Byrne looked at me. I got in my car and almost cried. What did he do? He wasn't upset. I still talked to him about it. He goes, no, you just, I was going through my own shit.

That same guy was at the comedy store Saturday night and he gave me a canister full of weed and we talked. It was just a misunderstanding. He was a manager at the store. Right. I was going through my fucking bullshit in 2006. What happened? I probably went up there to get coke

and nobody was up there. And a couple of days earlier, Paulie Shaw, this guy was Paulie's assistant back in the day. And on Friday night, remember when Paulie Shaw had the show on PBS? Yeah. Paulie's store, whatever it was, on Friday night, the people from TBS were there

and they were sitting in the audience. So Paulie started taking people off the list. Who they didn't want on the list. I was one of them and Joe Rogan was one of them. At the time, Joe had just paid for a stereo system for the room or some shit. I don't know the exact story. And Joe was the reason that the room was packed

every Friday night. It really was. This is back in my space days, guys. This was way before a podcast. You know, he had already a great internet presence at the time. I had no idea what an internet presence was. So on this night, Joe went down and the room was sold out

and somebody had to tell him he wasn't going up. As a matter of fact, I was down there first and they told me, and I just waved around to see what was gonna happen with Joe. I was actually gonna throw salt in there and start a fucking riot. But it didn't happen. I stood by the door with my back to them.

And I heard them explaining it to him and then Paulie came down and he kind of started saying some fucked up shit. What was he saying? Like, fuck you. You know, the reason why they're here is for me. They're not here for you. Stuff that was just wrong.

It was just totally inaccurate. I'm the type of guy, if you wanna talk shit on and you can back it, talk it. If you're right, you're right. I'll give you your props. But if you come in here going, Joey, I sell more tickets than Kevin Hart. I gotta look at you and go,

oh, ah, you know what I'm saying? Stop it, Owen, stop. I like you. Why are you fucking busting my balls for? You know I ate six stars? How can you handle six stars? Because we're in training, Owen Benjamin. You understand me?

I'll give you a bag to go and then you'll be in training and you'll be a soldier of the church. This is fucking so... People will see it and now when they see it, they'll bring you something for your baby and the best edible that city has to make. And they're gonna say,

we heard you on the church. Here you go, you're in training. Nice, I'm training. Hard. They'll bring you mushrooms, they'll bring you acid. Yeah, they'll bring you acid, mushrooms, all the fun stuff.

So you can take in the whole town room by yourself before you see it, John. It's just my fucking mind. Sure, wouldn't I, Pod? Yeah, sure on some pink foil, just fucking take off. And that's it, it's over. We don't do that much shit no more like that.

We don't go back to the room and put music on and sit there and meditate. But what were we talking about? No, so they were going off on show. I turned my back just so, if I had to take a lie detector test, always turn your back on Benjamin. So you could say, I really didn't see nothing.

I turned around, he was on the floor. I don't know nothing. What would they say? Like, didn't you hear him hitting somebody? I don't know, I don't know. Lies at the test go, they can't commit. They just, the main thing is, did you see anybody get hit?

No, I didn't. Why not? There was a fucking shooting star. I gotta teach you everything Lisa had. So I turned my back. I thought it was gonna go down. This guy wasn't a bad guy. My head was in the wrong place.

I was a little sick and tired of the commie store. I didn't like what they had done that night. And to be honest with you, you never like to see your friends get shit on for no reason. So I kind of felt bad, but I always had it out for that guy. And I always had it out for Paul. And one night I went to the store, maybe a month after that, and he said something.

I mean, I took it the wrong way and started going off on him. And we grabbed each other and we yelled at each other. And you know, I said some dumb shit. And then when I turned around, Steve Byrne was right there. I never felt so fucking embarrassed in my life. And we was apologized to him after that for going off on somebody like him.

But the guy was going off on me. I left the store shortly after that and didn't go back until about a year ago and Saturday. As I walk into check-in, he's sitting in the back row. And I came down, I went to the bar and got a water. When I came back, he was in the hallway. He gave me a big hug. I asked him how Hawaii was.

He says he moved to Northern California. And he said he brought me some goodies and he gave me a little film canister like the 80s filled with this fucking pretty good reefer. He said, his brother found a seed in a garage sale or something. And it was an Afghanistan seed and he's been growing it and shit ever since. So sometimes, you know, it was water under the bridge.

Yeah, good ending. What do you want to do? Yeah. You can only try. Talk to me about this piano thing. What do you want to know? I said I played piano and you looked like did you wanted to play?

Oh, it killed me. When I was a kid, my mother baptized a girl and I would spend my summers with that girl's family in Miami. And her mom was a big time college professor in Cuba. And after she got married and stuff and she had kids and she exiled to the United States. Now that she had kids, she wasn't a teacher or professor anymore

but she still had that state of mind. So when I would spend my summers in Miami, she would basically tell me, by the way, from nine to 12 year every day, we do schoolwork. Like there's no fucking going out and playing. There's nothing. You got two options. You could do schoolwork, you go nail,

be a labor for Rodolfo. And you're like, wait a second. So I get, if I'd be a labor for Rodolfo, I got to be there all day with them, picking up boards and getting bit by dogs and shoveling and shit. Or I could stay here and do three hours of schoolwork. Even at that age, I figured out it would help me.

So I would stick around. But she had three kids. Me and the two kids would do schoolwork while the girl played the piano. And let me tell you something. Her mother would fucking chastise her to no fucking end for perfection because she was doing,

da, da, da, da, da, da, da. No, no, that's that's that fucking other song. She was doing some fucking Chowkowsky type thing at some college at the age of 12. But I'll never forget how much the mother used to torture that girl, how much they went back and forth. But the discipline that she had to have always stuck in my mind.

Yeah, mine wasn't, my upbringing wasn't like that. I just played it. I just played up. Yeah, that's what I was drawn to. It's like we didn't have a TV for part of my childhood. So we'd just had a piano and my dad sang opera. So that's how we got along. And I just, I just liked it.

I always liked to play in it. And I- You never professionally never thought about it? No, I mean, I had my piano teacher. Was a woman named Lucinda. And when I was 11 for Halloween, she went as a dude. And then she got a sex change. So I always thought it was funny because it's like,

if you're gonna first have a sex change do it on Halloween, cause it was like an easier transition. But so then I got taught, it was the same person taught me as a woman and then as a man. And that's when I got fascinated by like gender because it's like, I got to see a whole different brain.

You know, it's like on testosterone it was a much different person. Now what year was this? 1991. I remember around that time, either 60 minutes of 2020 had a whole thing. I had just gotten separated and I was home and I was miserable.

And 2020 had a thing about a woman to hold transition. The man to hold. So she was a woman first and then became a man. Yeah. What was her new name? Larry. Still friends with him. Great dude.

But yeah, it was- And how was his life now? Was he married? Was he have a wife? Yeah, he has a wife, boyfriend. Wife. Yeah, just chilling. Just happy, plays piano.

I don't know. All that shit, it's fascinating. How old were you when that happened? 11. You got balls of steel, kid. Around the same time, I wasn't a piano teacher but my dad's friend had a friend who like we'd always been at this place.

And it was a guy who was, I don't know if he was transitioning to be a woman but he was dressing like a woman. And it didn't freak me out but I was just, I was thinking I was around that age. I just didn't understand it. It was like- Yeah.

See, I grew up with dudes who put wigs on and just put Scotch tape around their dick and took their chance. You know what I'm saying? I don't know if they did the complete check. And sometimes you'd see them and they'd have glasses on with a suit. And sometimes you'd see them

and they were clean shaving with a wig on. You know, it was always an adventure. Spanish people got wild imaginations. They just don't commit, you know? The whole fucking, I've never really known anybody who made the transition in front of me. That's very interesting. Because I see all this transgender stuff

in my year by North Carolina and all the bathrooms. And in the back of my mind, I'm going, I don't see these many transgenders. Right. You go to Hollywood by Yum Yum Donuts. That's right there on Beverly. That's where it's crack-a-lackin'. That's where you see the whole neighborhood of them.

But, and they're not even really not full committed. You could tell that they just- No, they're just, they're just weekend warriors. They're just weekend warriors. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha. Weekend, weekend warriors. Fuck.

Did he ever explain himself to you and pull you aside and go listen next week? It's gonna be a fucked up week. No, that's why she did it on Halloween. Cause then it was like, oh, where are you going? But you didn't skip a beat? Like there was no, there was no hint. Like there was no listen next time you-

We never even talked about it. I think I was right at that age where I- You didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. No, you don't give a fuck. I literally didn't care at all. So I just, it just never came up, really. I'm trying to think if I ever,

my mom had friends that were gay, like flamingly gay, you know, but nothing to that that I was, you know, I knew a guy that put a wig on. That freaked me out a little bit. You know, it took some time to adjust. I had to ask a few people. But besides that, I never really had somebody who, I thought there was a lot of preparation into

having a gender operation. I thought that there was a lot of psychological, you have to go through a year, psychological evaluation. They give you hormones. Right now, where I live, the people across the street from me, they're dabbling in something. I don't know what the fuck it is. I have no idea.

He says he's a pilot on one of those charter planes. Listen, if you're a man, and you come into my plane as the pilot, as Lucille on Monday, I can't trust you with my fucking plane, man. I can't, you're confused, you're not confused. I don't know, I just can't. I'm not saying nothing bad.

I'm just saying that he's been home a lot more since he became a woman, I think that much. And he gained a lot of weight. I don't know if he cut his dick off. I know his hair is down, I know the cheekbones are high. I know that his voice changed a little bit, and I know he stays in a lot more.

Tremendous, yeah, those things are strong going. Yeah, he's just relaxing. This is the devil here tonight. This is it, this is as good as it gets, people. It's a fucking Monday night on the church of what's happening now. Where's Tony Bennett? Did you even line it up tonight?

No, you didn't, see? You're fucking slipping, Lisa yet. Thank God, old Benjamin's on the show tonight. Let's smoke this fucking bowl. While Lisa does this thing, you want to take a hit of this old Benjamin? This will get the blood pressure down. Another hit, I don't want you to see saying.

Oh yeah, no, no, this is. I want to be around. This is it, man. Who's the fucking wife? Pick up the pieces and light them. When somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody twice as small. Do you guys get this?

Is this like weird? No. You've got to see one right now. Somebody who will swear to be true. You gotta go live, man. They're calling you a new soldier in training. You got like eight stars. You're the main star down there, yeah.

Fuck yeah. That's it. You're the man of steel tonight. What happened to Tony Bennett? That was quick. I turned him off because you were coming back. No, I'm just, I just went to open the door to give my main man some air.

Because I've been where he's been. Thank God you didn't pop the second one. He wanted to eat another one. I go, no, no, no, no. Just see how this one takes you. I know you live down the beach. I see you out of the night smoking. I figured you can handle it.

Relax for a little while. You ain't driving. You can't drive. Right. You got to go all the way down the 90s. Forget about it. I got a probiotic in here. I got some green juice.

How long do those usually last for? Only a couple hours. Oh yeah, you're right. Is it for a while? Sure. I'm telling you. Oh yeah, we don't fuck around here all night. This is why this is the church of what's happening now today.

I thought you fucking knew. That's why I asked you when you called. You smoked some reefer. I remember one night I saw you out there. Puffing and shit. Yeah, no, I like vape pens and shit. But it's the edibles. I haven't done an edible in a fucking while.

Oh, then yeah, this is like fucking watching a Hitchcock movie. I'm saying this is like, you're in the birds right now. You see a Jungle Book 3D? I think I am right now. Yeah. Relax. Just sit tight. We got your back to drink some water.

Let the air open for you so you don't get anxiety. Have you seen Captain America yet, Joey? Oh yeah, yeah, you should have seen me going up and down and fucking going with my little shirt on. Get the fuck out of here. I got better shit to do than going to see fucking Captain America. Look at the reefer we're smoking tonight. We are Captain America.

This is it. Don't get no better than this. What are you going to do? It's a Monday night here. It's a Monday fucking night. Can you imagine running with Uncle Joey on a Friday? You have a heart attack. Where are you going this week?

This week I'm going to beautiful fucking Sacramento, California. That should be fun. Very excited. I like that little room. It's a small room. They got the sushi joint. I got red lobsters and I got the habbit. I got the menu planned for three days, you understand me?

They give you that little half a Hindu breakfast at the hotel. The eggs smell like fucking God knows what. Close your eyes. You inhale them and you pray for the best. At lunchtime somebody picks you up. You go for a little walk around the neighborhood. And at night you got red lobster with a bunch of black people who I love. Nobody's more passionate about fucking red lobster

than black people in Sacramento. They go bananas in it. That one specifically they love it. Oh yeah. I used to, when Paula and I first got together, she lived in Inglewood and when I would drop her off on Sundays, we'd go to eat sometimes and they had apple bees and a red lobster and black people would come out in their church clothes.

I used to sometimes tell the mom to not cook so we could go and watch. It was the best thing I've ever seen. Applebee, we never went to red lobster, but apple bees was hysterical. They had a red lobster on Walsha Boulevard. They did years ago. Me and my wife came back, my wife picked me up at the airport. This is when me and my wife lived in the one bedroom with the fucking 19 cats.

I made like a bonus somewhere and I remember going, let me take you out to lunch. I took her to that red lobster and it was filled with black people. I loved it. I mean, I didn't get pissed off. No, it's bad. I was laughing and giggling. They were dancing.

They had the whole fucking thing. Oh, and Benjamin, coming back, he's coming back. He's making a comeback like Jerry Lewis. This is good shit. These stars and the stars are dead though, Benjamin. Trust me, I'm fucked up right now myself. How many did you take? I took, what, six?

Are you serious? How the fuck do you guys do that? This is it. We've been in training right now for about, for almost four years, five years. At least started at 30 edibles and smoking hash out of a can. Look what he is today. He's a successful podcast tour and he's eating fucking 700 milligrams a week.

Who's better than you? A week. A night. Whatever the fuck. But you're having a good time here in training. Oh, yeah. You're breathing, you're throwing up kettle bells. Yeah, that's, I'm really bummed out that I'm like, this is the first time in a sport

that I've actually kind of liked it. And we've been doing snatches and I suck at them. So like today I was watching videos. It's weird. I get competitive with myself with that stuff. And I don't like that I'm not good at it. Well, here's the good thing about where you're going. The good thing about where you're going, that he's got a great philosophy in training.

Oh, he's amazing. He's an amazing guy. He's an ex-New York firefighter. And he's committed his life to this. If you see this guy, I'm his age or he's four years old. Tell him what he was doing the other day. Hanging from, like he does pull up hangs for like three minutes. He just hangs.

You know, this guy's an amazing shape. Oh yeah. Sweet heart of a guy. Dave is a sweet heart of a guy. But he's got a different philosophy to train. Especially the guys like myself and Lee. We're not looking to go to the Olympics. He's like, look, whatever you can't do, you can't do today.

But if we could do, you'll be able to do. He gets mad if you say can't. Yeah, he gets pissed off. He'll make other people do push-ups. So it's just really weird. That's the philosophy. Also, Lee and I trained before. You want to take a walk.

You're right. Get some air right there. Get some air on the back. And take your water with you just in case you fucking, you know, you want to dehydrate a little bit. You'll be all right. This happens. It's the best.

It's better than the people who don't take it. People love you. You're a hero. So the problem is here that his philosophy was, A, it's not going to work today. Let's modify the movement so you could get it. Right? That's what he would say. He modifies the movement.

Right. Yeah, absolutely. So at least you could work on that muscle. And B, he had a different philosophy when it came to kettlebells. He has, he had a philosophy of he never wanted to over train you. You know, class today was like 35 minutes. I stayed after the practice. He never really wanted to over train you.

He always wanted you leaving going, really? That's it. Yeah. Get the fuck out of it. And it may so, it's gone with me now today. Like today I was supposed to do kettlebells, but I got busy. I took a nap. I had to go get my hair fucking done for this thing on Wednesday.

I had to do a thousand things. Little stupid. He abandoned shit. There's the real deal at church, you know. I don't think he knows the code. I think nothing. Okay. No, he's okay.

This is heavy duty. Those fucking stars, as a matter of fact, give me the bag. I'm going to eat another one out of respect for this poor kid. Okay. We think I'm not eating it alone. No. Get my partner in crime. I'm pretty good at all of this.

I respect for you people. You know, I love you at all in my heart. I hope you have a good week. I'm eating this star on a fucking solo tip just to let you know. We ain't fucking around no more. 2016 is the year of the church bitches. All right. Take it a fucking leave it.

I ain't got time for this shit no more. Your attitude should be like my attitude. It's over. We're taking over this bitch. Right over on cocksucker. We're drinking water. Absolutely. Huh?

You going to the plane or something? What's with the water? I was drinking. I was drinking. Okay. No, but he was just saying like you have to, you just have to start somewhere. And it's, but it's like this is the first time in this that I've struggled. You have struggled with certain aspects of it, but this is the first move that I really

just, I'm just sucking at. I can't believe the dynamic that working out has added to my standup in the last seven years. Like if you look at my career, my career really started rocking and rolling as a personal for me when I started working out. It gives you an extra form of confidence. You feel like you're standing higher. After 90 days, if you stick with a routine or something, you do feel fucking different.

They don't tell you that just for their health. I don't, I'm not telling you this because I'm telling you this because I'm living it right now. Right. You know, a year ago, I couldn't go to two jujitsu's in a week. Just couldn't do it. Now you're going to two in a day. Now I'm going to two classes in a day.

Sometimes, you know, tomorrow I'm going to go to one and Wednesday I'm going to go to two. It's always something I always, I'm doing something, but it's amazing, you know, what little strides become, you know, little commitments become big fucking commitments. I've always fucking said that, but I can't believe the dynamic working out has added to my life in general. It gets me perked up. It makes me stick to all my other goals.

Like if I could go somewhere and wrestle for an hour, I could for four hours, I could do so many fucking things. I write so much in the afternoon now it's fucking pathetic. Is it because you overcome a fear? Like that's what we were talking about today is like he thinks my main problem with it is I'm just scared of it getting close to my head, so I'm trying to catch it. So and I know you've talked about jujitsu is to get over your fear of like the breathing. So is that like overcoming a fear just like motivates you?

Yeah, but I also realized something today. I'm going to have surgery in July for my nose tomorrow I'm going to go for a seat scan at 10, 9, 30 in the morning. Okay. So we had how today was the first time that I really realized that somebody said to me a couple of weeks ago that I do struggle when I breathe from my nose. I could feel it now when I walked is ever since Dr. Belisa came in here and I read the book. I've been working more on my breathing exercises and I could feel it now sometimes when I'm

breathing in that, you know, it's not as strong, it's not as strong, but I'm struggling. So now I'm looking forward to having this fucking surgery and once it's going to fix your nose and you should be able to read normally. A lot of people have told me they said, listen, man, my friend had that now his life has changed completely. Like Dr. Belisa said, oxygen is oxygen. If you're not getting it, if you're struggling to get it, that's why your blood pressure is either so many fucking variables from it.

Could this fix your sleep apnea? Maybe I'm going to fix the sleep apnea. I really don't. You know, even through all this working out of the last seven, eight years that I've been doing, the sleep apnea has come and gone as far as what I'm able to do. When you're at your lightest, do you still have it? Like when you were at like two, 60, two, 70, yes, I still had it. I was falling.

That's interesting. Okay. I was falling asleep on planes. The other day I fell asleep on my couch, fuck, I forgot to call this guy today. I fell asleep yesterday and this poor kid called me two days in a row. The one day I got caught up doing something yesterday. I can fall asleep on my chair now. And you couldn't do that before?

No. What would happen? I would choke. Right away? Yeah. Oh no. I could sleep for 40 minutes and I would wake up scared that I'm not sleeping with the machine and it really shocks myself.

The other night I was telling you I woke up in the middle of the night and I had to sleep at the machine and I ate those edibles. Right. Okay. And we ate the star late like tonight. Like I just fucked up because that last night I'm going to wake up puffing and fucking puffing all goddamn night. So when I got up that night from being uncomfortable, I peed and when I went back to bed, I could

feel my heart beating from the edible and I could feel that was still a little bit high. And all of a sudden my mind played with the emotions from the edible. In what way? Because all of a sudden my mind started coming up with fucked up thoughts. Like my mind said to me, what happens if the sleep at the machine breaks right now? And all of a sudden I started getting anxiety just thinking about that. What would happen to it? And do you know you're high and then it's ridiculous or do you get swept up in it?

Because I'll get swept up in it sometimes. If I get so swept up and I got to take the mask off and stand up and go outside and get there and walk around. And then it pisses me off about that. What frustrates me is that now I'm awake and now I'm thinking about tomorrow I'm going to be ineffective in so many fucking different areas because I got to stay up for two fucking hours. This is what comes to my mind.

And it's a never ending circle of terrible thoughts. It's a never ending circle of what comes into your mind. And once I'm laying horizontally and I get fear, I can feel my blood pressure and my tension and my heart beating. But if I'm laying on my left side, I can feel my heart fucking bump and I got to flip over. And by that point, now my mind is taking over. Now my mind is telling me this could be the beginning of a heart attack. So I get up and I pick up the fucking phone like the asshole that I am.

I get my robe and I stand in the living room and wait for the fucking world to end. And then nothing happens. I get pissed off. I go in. I drink an aspirin. I fucking drink some water. You do not have an aspirin? Yes, I do.

And then I sit down. Like a fucking Momo. And I sit there in the living room by myself and eventually one of the fucking cats will come over because that's that peak hour. So they want to get petted. And I get frustrated at first when they jump on my lap. But then I go, you know what? Wait a second.

He may be on to something because my, by me petting this little fucking cat, my anxiety might go away. And sure enough, it goes away. So then now I'm wide awake. I'm playing with super bad. It's usually super bad or dimmy that torment my life. So now I turn the TV on and I'm watching sometimes I got vinyl on DVR. I've been watching the people versus OJ Simpson again.

I was watching that. And then guess what? Oh, do only guess what? Guess what the genius that uncle Joey does? Oh, no, you don't take another edible thing. No, I wouldn't. I'm not even that smart. I get up and go outside and I smoke two bowls of weed.

Guess what happens now? It's three 15 in the morning. I'm sitting there and my world is ending. It's collapsing. I can't fucking breathe and I got a drink, fucking a gallon of water to calm down living room. And then why two bowls? Who knows, Lee?

Who knows? Cause I'm a fucking idiot. And then I fucking, and then I fucking, I think I want to go and bench him in a band and ship. Some of his stuff is here. No. No, that's my sweatshirt. Oh, well, thank you for coming on.

No, I don't know. Maybe he's outside. Should I go to it? No, no, stay mind your business. So that's what I fucking do. So now I got to sit there for another hour while my heart's beating and I got to take one of those fucking anxiety pills that doctor gave me, one of those Larry pills. And then I fucking calmed down.

I go back and I sleep like a baby till like seven, ten and my wife waking up and I'm running away. I'm telling you, it's going to happen tonight because I got to be somewhere at 9 30 tomorrow one. Whenever I got to be somewhere in the mornings, I have a horrible fucking night. Yeah, I can't sleep. When I got when I don't got to be somewhere next morning, I'm like, Johnny fucking tired. Once I know I got to fucking be somewhere, listen, I'm insomnia, Joe.

I can't fucking sleep. I can't so many characters. Oh, please. There's a thousand fucking characters in my world. I got insomnia, Joe. I got fucking Johnny Sleepy, Johnny Sleepy, you know, I got like 10 fucking characters in my fucking personality. I would fail on match.com with those fucking morons.

What's your personality? Eighteen of them. You need like 10 different Lincoln accounts. Johnny Rifa, you know, fucking Joey bed and bed, Joey, one minute. Joey, one minute. I like it. What's up with you, buddy? Just trying to put the pieces together.

Like I said, I've been trying to write a lot more, trying to just get my fitness going a lot more, you know, just trying to stick with what I'm doing over there. Has Judith been gone? Listen, I have bad days and I have good days, but the most important thing is that I'm consistent and that was the ultimate goal in doing this. The same reason why you joined the catalog. First of all, I know you give somebody a yard. You're going to be there late.

Oh, yeah, it's a little. Fuck yeah. I know you. So this whole thing taught me a lot. This comedy thing. It taught me a lot. It taught me how easy life is, even though it was very hard because it taught me that sticking with something and how hard that overcoming.

If I, if I, if right now I look at the first eight years of my comedy, right, I got to tell you how hard it really was. Like if you said to me, Joey, this is what you're going to do in the next eight years, I tell you, I'm not going to fucking do it, but I do it all over again. And because I did this, it helps me understand how easy the system works, how easy life works. And this applies whether let's say you want to be a baker or a mechanic or whatever. You know, listen, man, uh, yeah, I could walk into whatever motorcycle

technology or automobile when you're 14, if that's what you like doing, you're 15, look at this kid, Cassius Morris. I wish I had the fucking brain that that kid had at a young age because people, this is easy. It seems like it's a long time. When you come to me at lunchtime and go, Joey, can I ask you a question? What are you making out on? I said, I'll make 15 and you go, fuck, I'm making six.

How long do I get to make 15 and you're like, uh, I've been working here for seven years. You're like, fuck, fuck, seven years for nine bucks. You know, but then you are a smart motherfucker. We'll say, well, I could work here, learn a trade at the same time. And who knows what'll happen in seven years. I could open up my own thing. But the main thing is I don't think about the money right now.

See, that's what I used to get caught up in when I was young. I used to get caught up in how much are they paying me now? Because I never thought there was going to be a tomorrow. I always thought they were kidding me, but there really is a fucking tomorrow. But how do you, especially when you're young, you need the money now. So how do you focus? How can you focus on tomorrow when rents do tomorrow? Putting the fucking blinders on by putting blinders on and going, you know

what, I'm going to stick with this because something good's going to happen. And then now, guess what happens, Lee? That job you were doing five days a week. One of the guys from that shop recommended you so you could do weekend work somewhere else and you could make 10 bucks an hour now at that place. And you look at me and you go, Joey, but I'm working seven days a week. Listen, anything that you want to be good at, you got to do seven days a week. I wish I'd go to jujitsu seven days a week.

My body just can't handle it. I went to jujitsu Sunday. It was basically an easy fucking class. I rolled one time and we had to get out of there for mothers that I fucking had a hard time walking around. I took a leaves and shit today. So if you were 25, you'd go seven days a week. Yeah.

Not even to compete just as an exercise, just to take my mind off my everyday grind. If I had to pick something right now at this age, if somebody came to me at 25 and said, listen, I want to take my mind off the every, any, every day grind. What should I do? I'd say go to that particular jujitsu school and tell, do everything he tells you to do, watch the strongest guy in there and do what he does. It's just like life. If you're an engineer and you want to be a good engineer, you're going to hang

out with the dude that calls in sick, the dude that does blow. No, you're going to hang out with that Chinese dude over there that comes in an hour before and stays till 10 o'clock at night. That's why he does what he does. Because eventually all that time will pay in. You're clocking in. You're not clocking in at your job. You're clocking in on the clock of life.

And the clock of life always fucking remembers. It really does. If you think I would tell you this when I was 30, you're fucking crazy. Okay, then. Okay. Well, let me tell you who told me this slash. I'm not friends with slash. I don't know slash.

I don't know his phone number. I don't know how to get a hold of him. I bumped him to him once at the Riviera. I was, I had insomnia. It was insomnia, Joe. I had no drugs. I had maybe at that time, Rogan didn't smoke weed. So I had, I didn't have no weed.

So I'm walking through this fucking hotel and there was like a pinball tournament or something, like a convention and he was there. Slash was just roaming the pinball. He was, he was at the convention, but that night he was at the bar and he was just standing there and I asked him, I saw him. I was a fan that I had seen him at the comedy club on Sunset one night when we used to do comedy at that place where I met, I met, used to hang. I told you he used to run.

Um, I saw him there one night and I said, hello, and he was very nice. And I asked him why guns and roses broke up. And he said, you know, he said, what, what you're going through right now. This, how long you've been doing comedy? He goes, are you making money? I told him the truth. I said, I'm in Vegas. I'm going to make $200 for the weekend.

I'm doing two shows and I got $200 on the plane ticket and I got a fucking past eating the employee hotel, not even in the buffet. Listen to me, not even in the buffet. And you were telling, explain what the employee food is. That's where all the food that don't get eaten in the buffet goes to. Like pieces of chicken with a bite taken out of it, that people that they put back, I'm joking, it's a joke people. But the point of this was that he told me that what you're doing right now has

a payoff and some people, that's why you have to do this hard work. So when the payoff comes, you don't analyze it. That's what gets people in trouble. You ever see a character you like in a movie? Right. And you, uh, don't see him ever again. And one day you ask around or you Google his name and it says that, you know, he just got hooked on drugs or something and disappeared.

Somewhere there was something, something couldn't be handled. I know this because I went to it. Something somewhere couldn't be handled. You know, Lee, a lot of people can't handle success. Not at any level, not at any level. What happens to them? Justin Bieber, Michael Jackson, God rest his soul, Prince, Prince was good. Prince was good.

I shouldn't say his name like that, but your world changes from your perception. So you think that's what that is? Is people who are going like the Lindsay Lohan's and whoever you want to say they just can't handle their success. At first, at first it's this perception, man. It's this perception. And in the back of your mind, I can't imagine. You think that you're doing something nobody else has ever done.

And in the meantime, they're blowing smoke up your ass. I think about the time we're on the rouser, got kicked in the head and she just sat on that mat and people kept saying she's dizzy. She wasn't dizzy. She was thinking. She was thinking about all the shit she bought into and all the lies and all the fucking bullshit people told them, the smoke they blew up her ass, how when all her training, she didn't get prepared for this or maybe that or all

the media things she had to do and all the time that was invested in talking to people and meeting with people and talking about movies, your mind got taken away from the fucking main focus. It's like getting arrested. When they put the handcuffs on you, what's the old adage that a cop knows if you're guilty or innocent because the guilty guy, he goes to bed like a baby. That's it. He got caught.

The innocent guy is up thinking, how's he going to get out of this fucking mess? That's really crazy. Yeah, that would be my first instinct, too, with the coward I fix this. When I got sentenced, I snored a little under a gram of blow and I fell asleep for about an hour in the jail cell while they came and got me to process me. Maybe an hour and a half. I fell asleep and I'm in a sleep with drool coming out of my fucking mouth. And that's when I realized, I go, holy shit.

You know, that's it. This is it. This is my fate. So you didn't have anxiety about being in prison. You were just like, I deserve it. They caught me. That's it. That was it.

At that point, everything else was bullshit. Once that judge said six years didn't mean shit. Once I walked in there and I took my fucking handcuffs off and I sat in that cell. That's where the walls fell on me. And it was the weirdest thing because the walls fell on me. And the walls fell on me. I went through this panic, a little bit of attack, like your life flashing in front of your eyes and I took my jacket off.

I had a suit, you know, and I had a college shirt with no t-shirt underneath, but I got that heat, that anxiety, heat you get. I took that jacket off and I don't know if I breathed through it. I know I didn't pass out and I was alone and there was a camera on me. And as I'm patting the jacket on my leg, Lee, I could feel something in the jacket. I thought it was a button and I went to flip the jacket over and I stuck my hand on the left side and there it was. I could feel a fucking baggy and I said, I hope this is fucking empty.

And I put my hand up so the camera wouldn't see and I left it in his hand. And it had like a little rock and the rest of it was powder. I remembered what Batch that was and everything at that moment, like when I got it, like in July, I got sentenced in August and it had been in that suit since July, since I had gone, no, I had gone to court before in that suit. You did not bring coke to court with you? No, I was out of my fucking bird and I crushed it up, I crushed it up, I took my wallet out, I took a dollar bill out I had in my wallet, like a 20 or a 10.

God knows what I had in there. I didn't have no hundreds or nothing. And I rolled up like a five, whatever the fuck it was. And I did that whole package on one snort. You didn't, they wouldn't see you. They didn't see me. I may believe I was pissing and I went into the sink like I was washing my hand. So the camera was over my back.

I put the dollar bill in the hand. I put it already in the package. So I put it up to my nose and I snorted it, opened the dollar bill, wet it and I flushed the dollar bill with the fucking package just in case dog. You know, I don't fuck around. You flushed the dollar bill. Everything. What was I going to do with it?

I'm in prison. What do I need a dollar bill? What was I going to do? What's a dollar going to fucking do for me? So I flushed it and I sound the thing and Lee within 20 minutes, I passed out. And you just relaxed. Like, like what happened? What happened when it went through your head when you woke up and realized that

you're falling asleep in prison? Once I heard my name, it was nothing I could do a thing. That, that's it. I was, I was a beaten man. Everything I had surrendered, like all the thoughts I had had for the last 16 months or whether or not, or what was I going to do with my life. This was it. Now I had to start thinking about what the fuck was I going to do now?

I'm not going to lie to you. Like four days later, I started calling my then girlfriend and my attorney and seeing if we could put something together to get me out of there. But within a week, I knew I was doomed. There was no going to, I wasn't going to escape. I'm not that fucking dumb. I was going to escape or nothing like that. Did you, did you at that point know there was probably going to be like a year

and a half or how long I ended up doing? Or do you think it was going to be the full six years? I thought about two years. I thought it was going to be about two years. You didn't even really know. But I also knew something else that he had said something to my attorney. He told my attorney to file a reconsideration letter right off the bat. He told my attorney that.

The judge. The motion, the motion couldn't get served for 120 days, which means four months. So I knew I was doing four months at least. And I knew that even if I went to court after four months, there's bullshit. So I got sentenced in August. All right. Right. So that's what's four months.

That's December. What happens in December? The holidays. Yes. It's a slow debt. So yeah. And then the hearing was scheduled for January 20th. The day the president even got it, he got an, uh, what's that called, inaugurated.

Right. So it was 1989, January 20th. Because I remember sitting in the cell waiting to go to court and going and. The community corrections people said, Nope, we're not take on. Oh, so you're trying to get out of prison tomorrow. I was trying to get the sentence reduced to six years, community service, six years, six years, community correction. What does that mean?

Which means that they put you in a halfway house or a work release program. You have to stay clean, have a job, go to school. And after, then you have to petition the court again and then they let you go home, but you still have those six years hanging over your head. And if you do something fucked up, they put your back in jail for the remainder of that time. That's scary to think about. So what happened was community corrections turned me down.

Just immediately. And the probation department turned me down. But guess what else happened? I had done five months. So five months. So what happens is when you go to prison, you go to prison under a number of bases. Okay.

So you're allowed to file for the halfway house at the 18th month. You're eligible for halfway house at 18 months for your, for six years. No. Is everyone. Okay. So six years. Okay. So let me, let me do it for you.

So six years. All right. Right. Tomorrow you go to fucking jail. You get six years. Six times 12 is what? 72. Right.

What's half of 72? 36. You're going to do 36 months. Right. If it's nonviolent. Okay. If it's a violent crime, you're going to do three quarters of your sentence. If it's nonviolent, first defender, you behave yourself.

You get your high school diploma. You joined the band. You joined the choir. You do all your therapy and you pay your restitution. That's the most important thing that you pay your restitution. So you got 36 months. Okay. So let's say my situation.

So it's three years. In my situation, it was zero to six. They gave me four. So that's 48 months. Okay. 48 months divided in two is what? 24. I did a month in county.

A month in county counts for two. What's that make it? 22. 22 months. I did five months. Where's that put me at? 17. Oh, so anything.

Okay. You follow me. So I fucking December. One day I'm talking to my counselor. He goes, oh, by the way, I put you in for a halfway house already. What the fuck are you talking about? He goes, yeah, you're eligible. They have a computerized calendar.

You they submit you right away. Now they got to decide where they're going to take you. They have to take you. If there's no turning it down. They have to take you just as soon as a bed opens up or something. As soon as a bed opens up. So once I went back, they transferred the sentence to four years or they did something, they transferred the sense of community corrections.

And he sentenced, uh, he knocked off something. They knocked off something. So, but it was already too late. I was already up for a halfway house in December. They had already put me up for a halfway house in December. So now they were just waiting for a fucking bed. So within a week, I got a call today. B C T's T took it.

Boulder County Treatment Center took me. And did you have to pay for the halfway house? Fuck yeah. But the beauty of it was, the beauty of it was, it was either B C T C or L C T C. And L C T C really wanted me. L C T C is Longmont Community Treatment Center. And fuck Longmont. Oh, at that time, Longmont was a cow town, but Lee did the best tacos ever in my

fucking life at the prison. No, at the fucking, and there was a store in Longmont called the something Lee. I used to drive from Boulder anywhere. They were 89 cents a piece. I would get 22 of them. I would just give it whatever I had in my pocket. Give me tacos.

They were there. And a soda. What power there? Machaca with eggs with just deli, she also tacos in Longmont, Colorado. When I was waiting to get sentenced, I would work at Hertz, Renekoff. And they would say, go to the Longmont, pick up a car. That was music to my ears. Because you got to stop and deal with the also talk rooms.

Did I get the one because you got to stop there every day. I got jobs in Longmont after that Valley Subaru sprinkler auto sales. Just to fucking work just to be able to go to deli. So that's how I was fucking banging on those days. Is it still open? I think so. Will I take you there? I don't know.

I don't know if it's the same moment as hell. I don't know if it's the same breakfast tacos. I don't know what the fuck goes on there. So that's what saved me. So when I got back, I was out of that fucking thing by February. I was already in the halfway house. And you went in July? Yeah.

Boom, I was already in the halfway house. That's I don't know. I don't know how this sounds like, obviously, I know you and you're a good person. But it is kind of scary that some of these people who you think are going away for a while aren't going away for as long as you think they are. No, and that's what I tell people. This is all bullshit. I love when they arrest people and they make those statements on television about somebody.

Excuse me. Sorry about that. I love when you're watching the news and somebody says, Oh my God, major drug bust arrest tonight. And the whole South side of, you know, West Hollywood, Lee Sian got arrested with three kilos and $42,000 in cash. And they say an estimated value of street cocaine at 3.1 million. And you sit there and go, let's figure this out.

In my day, I would snore coke and do math for hours to figure them out. But then I talked to a detective and they told me how they did it. Do you have those notebooks? No, I left those on fire. I would sit there for hours and do math. I could have, I have one witness that's still alive that could call in here and tell you that for 10 hours, I would sit there, snort, blow and become fucking Copernicus. What sort of man would you do?

Okay, so up for the cases, maybe. I was still doing math and took that. When I got the longest yard, I was doing math. Like I would figure out the scenes I was doing and how much each scene they were paying me. Like I was that retarded at night on the block. I would get that fucking retarded on the block. I really think Owen Benjamin abandoned the ship. He is the first guest that has ever abandoned the ship.

He just told the number, you think? I don't know. I think he's out there. I could see it. There was one point where I could see his eyes just go, hmm. Thank God he said no on the second one. Yeah, he would have been dead. Well, actually, I kind of think the body kind of like pushes back at that point, but maybe not.

Maybe he would be. No, it happened. Listen, man, I thought, I asked him if he smoked dope. He said yes. I don't know who went for it. He asked. And then he said, can I take a star? It's there.

You know, if you want a star, take it. But then he saw me and Lee. And I mean, he goes, if you guys are going to eat six of them, I might as well take another one. Guys, you know me at home. I will give you as many stars as you want as long as you eat them in front of me. I want us to get a disaster happening in front of me. I live for that shit. I live for that shit.

He's six foot fucking seven. Two hundred pounds. I didn't think the star that was going to kill him. Now, by the way, this kid's a great kid. When I was telling you guys about this guy at home, I'm not bullshitting you. There's like a couple of people that when I see out, I behave myself. And he's one of them because he's such a fucking sweetheart. Everyone likes him for what I've heard.

Everybody. Yeah. Nobody has a bad word to say about this old Benjamin kid. Listen, I was leaving the store three weeks ago. I was about to get in my car. And when I'm going to the car, I don't hear nothing. Hey, hello. There's no retreating.

There's no retreating. It's over. I saw him and I got to tell you something. He brightened my day. There's few people that brighten my day like this. This kid does his never says a bad word. He's a funny guy. He works fucking hard.

He's out every fucking night. You know, he's done some big fucking movies. So if you get a chance to go see your own, go down and bring him an edible tunnel in the church center. That's it. He'll fucking love it. And we'll get him back in. We'll get him to talk some shit. Let me give him some shout out to you.

At least I have first off to my main people, Greg and Lynn Powers, my main man in S.F. John Cutler. I couldn't see him this last weekend. My main man in Bakersfield, Matt Baker over there. Bakersfield BJJ teaching motherfuckers the true jitsu to the next level. Tammy Burbank Burbank Thomas Easter. I'll see Thomas tomorrow night. The last fact, you hope you don't stab somebody and they don't get banned from there.

Melissa Eva Perez, my family in Chicago, Bob LaLingis and shit. I'm shooting my special there. October 22nd, Chicago. Why? Because you're bad motherfuckers and there's no better club than Rosemont fucking Chicago. So I'm shooting my special at Rosemont. It's fucking official. I think it's a nod on sale yet.

I got to figure out how to get to the LaLingis family. A fucking Lee who shot fucking Lincoln booth towers. Like, I got to give him like a little wolf's boot there. My man, Mark Walsh Shadresa. Crystal Johnson over there looking good in fucking Utah. And my main man Troy Wallace Evans and shit. Always giving you some love. I'm going to be in Sacramento this weekend.

And next weekend, I'm fucking thrilled to say I'm going to one of my favorite cities. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I'm going to go to fucking primantes, whatever the fuck it is. I'm going to fucking walk around. I'm going to go rub the Roberto Clemente statue. The whole thing. You understand me? I don't give a fuck, Lisa.

I'm having a good time. I'm writing. Everything's coming to pieces. I'm writing three things at once. You know, my comedy is kind of weird right now because I'm in the middle of a fucking. I'm like a butterfly. What's a butterfly before he becomes a butterfly? Caterpillar.

A caterpillar. No, that process. Oh, cocoon? I'm in a cocoon process right now. You understand? I'm trying to put shit together. I don't even know why I chew that nicotine gum. I got to do it with coffee.

It doesn't work, you know what I'm saying? It's like cocaine without alcohol. Just don't work. You got to do the fucking yay. You got to drink. You got to look out the window. You call your mother for Mother's Day, cocksucker. What'd you send her?

I sent her flowers in the car. Flowers in the car. What the fuck? What is wrong with you? When are you going to go see her? You want to go back? Yeah, I'm going to go back to June 2nd. And then you're going to come with me in November?

Absolutely. Don't be bullshitting me. Fuck yeah. Now that you went back in June, I'll take one of my freaks and shit. You won't get this a freak. Oh, I understand. No, I'm excited. She's happy.

Got her some nice flowers. That was a good Mother's Day. It's nice. I tried to do something nice for my wife. I was sad the last two fucking days. You know, I'm writing this chapter in the book right now. And I'm supposed to have three chapters and then we could sell the book and then we have to write the book in a certain amount of time.

It's not at this point that I'm a bad writer. I know the stories. It's really coming together for the first time. That's awesome. And some days I put eight sentences in, but I take two out. You know what I'm saying? Like it's always something like that. But the other day on Mother's Day, I wanted to read the whole chapter.

I just read the part where I go out and I come home and I'm on acid. I go to bed and I get up in the middle of night and I hear her and I get up to pee and I go down. I find my mother dead and her arm is purple and you know, I kind of sit there and I wrote that out again. And in my mind, I felt like I was supposed to be upset. You know what I'm saying? Like I was supposed to be upset. You ever feel like that? Like you might be upset, but I really wasn't upset.

I was really proud that I got to write it. How I finally wanted to fucking write it. So you didn't get emotional at all? Not at all. You know, I'm trying to write the aftermath now, which really takes away from that chapter. That chapter is such a strong little piece of writing that after that you just closed the book and put it down for an hour and go, I don't want you to know what happens next. At what point do you think you got like we're able to not get emotional?

Would it be like last year? Is it just like how many years ago did it take? Because that's about Mother's Day. I'm away from my mom. I start to think about when she's not going to be here and I get sad. It's not got bad news for you. In life, when you lose a friend, the relative of them, the pain is always there. It's always there.

It always stays with you, especially my mother. The pains, the pains always there. It's like being poor and having a toothache. You learn to live with it. You learn to live with it. You ever see somebody who's drinking and having like a fucked up missing tooth? That tooth was fucked up for two years, but he had to decide between booze or a dentist. And he picked a fucking, he picked booze.

I did the same thing with blow. You know, I had to pick between a $50 piece of coke or paying a dentist. What would you do? I picked fucking the $50 piece of blow and I took an aspen and shoved it in the fucking cavity for, you know, that's how fucked up my teeth were in the back. I would just get an aspen and put it in my tooth. There was a hole in your tooth? Yeah, bare aspen, put it in my tooth.

And then once it really started hurting, I get a bottle of Jack. One of those little pints and I drink it half of it straight and then I just take the fucking tooth or whiskey. I'm lying to you. I wouldn't drink Jack. I take like chivis, one of those whiskies that has like a sour taste to it. And I would just pull the fucking tooth out. This whole side is shaking the back. I had the abscess one time.

I got really sick and bolder and I went over to the fucking place, the hospital. They yanked the rest of it out. But what do you think those people feel like? It's the same thing when you lose a relative or a mom or something. More and more, I'm getting more, I get calls at least every six months from somebody who says, Hey man, can I talk to you about something? I had a kid hunt me out. The kid who I stayed with from fucking 30 years ago hunted me out to tell me his father died.

And that one night he was thinking now that he understood me and how could I live with that in an early age? That he really got a whole new respect for me for even living with that pain. I have a teacher that is Mr. Barone. His mother died. I heard he's in a horrible place right now. Grown fucking man. Grown fucking man. Grown fucking man.

You're never prepared for another shit. That's the part of life you're never prepared for. Listen, I like Prince. I like the music. Was I a big fuck? No. No. I, you know, somewhere along the line I stopped listening to a lot of music and I listened to whatever Prince put on the radio.

But I didn't know his albums like I know other bands albums. I know Purple Rain and I know the one after that. But that was it after that. I think like a 90 I tapped from Prince. You know, do I feel yes? I can't imagine what Prince's family and his friends feel like. People who really knew. Not those bullshit people that go on extra and tell you lies, you know.

That's the worst part of that. That's the part of that that destroys me. The fucking bullshit you got to put up with and fucking people talking. Who the fuck are you? How does he know you? What the fuck are you talking about? But, you know, it's accepted. You know what I'm saying?

It's like putting an RIP on your Twitter. Stop. Don't make me go over and get your canceled. What is canceled from what? I don't know. I'm just talking shit here. Fucking Lisa. I'm nine stars in maybe seven.

Who's counting? I'm counting. What do you think? I don't have no edibles in my system from last night of the day before the day before. You know, I'm a fucking worse of that. I ain't got time for this shit. What the fuck? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to you too. What are you saying? What are you apologizing for? You never apologized. I have no idea. You're my fucking family. You're never fucking apologized. And that's it.

I can't really believe all Benjamin left. I love it. Listen, this is just another feather in our cap. You got to. I'll never forget it was 1980 fucking four. Put the camera on his chair when you say this. It was 1984 and North Bergen people were getting a bad reputation. It was a bar called Corkies at the time at switch governments.

It was called Gregory's seven day weekend. And I got to tell you something. Look it back at that bar. It just became a cocaine storm at that one fit 30 in the morning on a Friday, Saturday, Thursday, Tuesday. If you just wanted that car, if you went in that bar with a camera and you put it on and you could have sold that show today. If there was 40 people in there, 40 of them's jaw were going from side to side

smoking cigarettes. You couldn't hear from the fucking bar. You couldn't, you know, what's the point of my story? I have no fucking idea. The Gregory seven day weekend. It could be a TV show. Oh, maybe he's back on Benjamin. Maybe he just went for a walk in the neighborhood.

So fucking let me just go for a walk and walk it off. And when you were a kid, you got kicked in the fucking stomach. Your teacher would say walk it off. Cock sucker. Yeah, I just hope he's okay. Yeah, I'm sure he's fine. I'll call him after this is over. We're getting the fuck out of here anyway.

What else we got to do tonight? Lee, remind me. Remind me. We got to read some fucking ads here. As usual, my main people over at nature box. Listen, what the fuck? You know what I'm saying? The church, what's happening now is brought to you by nature box dedicated to

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You know, as I was driving away, I could feel a tingle in my throat. My fuckers. I went home. I inhaled 6,000 milligrams of vitamin C just to sleep it. You know what I'm saying? I drank some water so my heart wouldn't tap and I took two fucking of those pills. Shroom tax. I also took two before I flew and two when I tapped down because you always got to take

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All right. That's it. I want to thank my man. Oh, I'm a Benjamin. We fucking tried. We tried. He came in and dabbled with the fucking King of Swing and his main goomba, Lisa. Yeah.

And this is what goes down. Okay. Spooky's watching. You know, you can't, you know, an okay. Spooky's watching. You can't come in here. If you haven't taken it, you can't do it. Oh, who's that?

It is my. Now, who's going to bother us? You know what I'm saying? We got the world by the balls. They say we'll be back Wednesday. What do you got planned for tomorrow? Tomorrow, I have a hopefully life in neutral with Johnny Rock and then an everyday cannabis with my good buddy up there. Look, you're the man of many fucking podcasts.

You're like 19 fucking podcasts. Who's better than you? Anyway, I'll be in Sacramento this weekend, rocking the house with Felicia Michaels. And next week and I'll be at the Pittsburgh motherfucking improv. I want to thank Owen Benjamin. I think it's on Benjamin dot com. Whatever. He's a great kid, man.

These stars are fucking brutal. Trust me. He's not the first one to tap out. And I want to thank my main man, Lisa. And I want to thank you guys for listening. Have a great weekend. Thank you for the love and support. Uncle Joey out.

I'll see you motherfuckers on Periscope this week. Stay black. This show was brought to you by nature box. Head to nature box dot com slash Joey right now to get 50% off of your first order. That's nature box dot com slash Joey to get half off 50 half five five zero 50% off of your first box. That's a lot of money. You're saving 50% off of your first box. You're going to nature box dot com slash Joey nature box dot com slash Joey.

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