Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #380 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 17, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines right on your phone and tablet.   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first two meals free!    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 05/16/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all of the fresh ingredients need to make them right to your door. Our listeners, the listeners to the church of what's happening now, get their first two meals for free. Just go to blueapron.com slash joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. That's blueapron.com slash joey. The show is also brought to you by Texture. Texture is offering our listeners a free trial to their great app Texture. With Texture you gain access to hundreds of your favorite magazines.

You go to texture.com slash joey to start your free trial now. That's texture.com slash joey to start your free trial. And go to onit.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of the great optimization products like Alphabrain, New Mood and Shroom Tech Sport and Shroom Tech Immute. Kick that fucking horse, Lee. It's the Monday Night Edition, cock suckers. Church of what's happening now. Lower my mic a little bit. It's too hot.

It's the church of what's happening now, baby boys. Monday night, May 16th. Give me that music more. That music's gotta sound better. There you go. There you go. You were never a DJ, huh, cock sucker? Yeah, we're gonna have to mix a little bit. There you go. The Eagles saw the whole South California. Monday. This is it.

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Thank you for checking in with the church of what's happening now. Uncle Joey here, my little brother Lisa yet. What's up, dog breath? Oh my God, I had a great weekend. I don't know, it was just a... Oh my God. Oh my God.

Did you eat gluten crepes or some shit? I ate gluten crepes. I went and saw Captain America just to know I know it was a... I don't know, I've had some alone time recently. And it's been a lot of fun. I got to go to Paula's graduation, which was great. Got to eat some fucking tacos. There's nothing better than having...

Whenever I first started getting into comedy, the joke, one of the hacky jokes is how terrible mother-in-laws are, you should see the amount of food that she gets. It's amazing. It's the coolest part. It's one of the best parts about dating. About dating Paula, it's great. Yeah, but you don't fucking bring things for her to cook.

You don't give her orders. Joey calls me and he tells me to bring her over groceries. You'll be like, okay, you're going to go grocery shopping. Just bring it over to her house. If you're going to go to Subway and half these shit restaurants you go to, because they're all garbage, you might as well bring mother-in-law or roast beef, three chickens, packages of chicken cutlets,

and she'll be more than fucking happy. Of course you will. Because if you watch Paula's at fucking school, you go there and eat lunch and a healthy lunch. You know what I'm saying? Oh yeah. It's like if you go over there all the time and just eat, but if you start bringing them fucking groceries,

like what the fuck? Just bring groceries one night and watch it go to work. Mom, this is what I want you to make me. They love that shit when you bring it for them to make it. They love cooking it. Never mind if you bring it to them to make it. That lets them know that you had, this is how bad you want it.

I want your tacos. I could have gone anywhere else. Mom, I could have got your tacos. Yeah. That's it. You just blow up that brain with that one. How do I say? Because the word mom makes a huge difference.

I need to learn. Mima. Mima, just call her Mima. Mima. That's nice and easy. Nobody gets their feelings heard. Mima. But that's why I say that to you.

It's not an insult to people. No, of course not. Just say, listen, I like her roast beef. I like her carnitas. I like her pork chops. Go buy them. And go, this is what I want next week, mom. And they'll fucking cook it for you three nights in a row,

like a soldier. Oh yeah. If I wanted to, I could be like just driving over there every night of the week. And she'd love it. What else are you doing? You're eating that turkey, that shit in your house, the fucking hummus bowl.

It's good. You just make a little bit of brown rice and some grilled chicken. That's real good, yeah. Brown rice. I know you get the staminco chicken cut with sturdy two in a bag from Ralph's. That means that you're eating fucking chickens that have been shot at and thrown darts at and people with them with sticks and shit in a cage.

You eat that. You have nightmares. You can't sleep right when you eat that chicken because the chicken's been beat up, stepped on, kicked, lit on fire. You can taste the spirit. Oh, you can taste the spirit. The chicken's been tortured to death. You can't sleep all night because the fucking chicken's been hunted.

Do you hear what happened this week? They did like this new story out like they're making the workers wear diapers while they're working because they don't want anyone taking breaks. Where's this? Like one of those chicken farms. I don't know. I don't know specifically which company, but it's great. They don't want the chickens to take breaks.

They don't want the workers to take breaks. No, the chickens can take as many breaks as they want. So you have to shit in your diaper. Are you fucking crazy? You can't do that. Yeah, no, that would be a... No, you can't do that. That would be a...

That's crazy. Like whenever I hear about like... That's one thing that's actually bugged me this weekend. The whole $15 minimum wage thing and now people are coming out. Oh, well Wendy's is going to have these computers self-ordering and it's because of that. It's not because of that. It's because technology is changing and it's... These are the kind of jobs that are available.

I couldn't imagine having to say yes to a job where I have to wear a diaper. Not for $15 an hour. You have to throw me a couple more dollars and not to wear a fucking diaper. $15 an hour ain't going to cut it. Listen, man, for 50... If I was Wendy's, and let's be honest here as Americans, if I was Wendy's, Wendy's or McDonald's or any one of those other places... Yeah, any of them.

And I looked at half these... Three quarters of these putzes that work in there. I might as well put a computer and say fucking money. Absolutely. Because remember, $15 is really $30 an hour with... Unemployment and security. Unemployment, so no, no, but the other one, workman's compensation. Got it, okay.

So I'm really paying you 30... I'm really paying $30 for this fucking idiot that could barely speak English, doesn't know what a fuck he is. He's just looking around, huh, huh, huh. You ever go to McDonald's though? I used to live in McDonald's. I used to have a booth on reserve. I go over here with my little daughter and I sit in there and I get scared for fucking the future.

I really do get scared for the future. Because of the customers or the workers? Both. Both. Just the entire building? Both. Both. Like the fucking workers at McDonald's?

You see them when you go to Subway? You see that? Now would you pay one of those stips, 15 an hour to work at Subway? They don't even have... And you know, I'm not saying all Subway employees. I'm saying the one up here by fucking Lancashire and Victory. You ever go in there late at night? We went in there once or twice.

Oh yeah, of course. Okay? The chick that... I mean, she had no comprehension of what the fuck was going on when we were there. There was another one night that you went somewhere and you called me and you go, I was just so angry because the person had no idea what was going on. Well, I haven't gone for a few months because of that. So I went down a young fucking donut one night that I got mad, that I went home and said,

I would not pay any of those employees $15 because that cost me $30. For $30, I could get a fucking high school kid that's 13 that's really fucking sharp and on the ball to work weekends or something. Really, that's what I'd rather do. But half these people that work at Subway and these other fast food places, I don't know. Fucking $15 an hour. That's fucking steep, Jack. It's steep.

And then I used to... I had those jobs since I was 14 and it always used to bug me as an employee. If you were doing your job and then there's a lot of people who aren't... If you go into any of those places, there's 80 people working. There's no need for all of those people. Well, the McDonald on Lancashire, when I go, I look in the back and stuff. And the back, it's all people who can't speak English. Oh yeah, of course.

So they have a couple white people up in front that have been shot at or somebody's stabbed or they're victims of fucking something. The kid that I went to the other day couldn't figure out the kid's mail for mercy. I'm not listening. You people will listen to me going, Joey's being rude. No, no, no, no, no, no. The kid that I went to last week with my daughter and he could not figure out the fucking six-piece chicken for mercy.

What was wrong? And I asked him, I go, oh, this is your first day here. I try to give him... Oh, no, no, no. It was just a fucking nightmare. It was just a fucking nightmare. You know, me being the owner of that, I can't have that up front. I could put him in the back to sweep and mob and you know what I'm saying?

Up front, you got to have sharp people. You would think so, yeah. But I don't think they care. I think it's either a franchise for them or they're just the people who are applying for those jobs. And that's the thing now, because when I was a kid in high school, I got jobs pretty easily. But from what I hear, it's kind of hard. Like those jobs, those high school jobs are going to adults now because they don't have as many restrictions. And then they need the work.

What kind of restrictions do you have? Like when I was 14, until you're 16, I think you can't work past a certain time. And then you have during the days that you can't work and sometimes there's like a shorter shift. So it's tough out there. I loved my high school jobs. If there was a way for me to make like a million dollars a year, like if money wasn't an issue, those jobs are still my best friends. There's some sort of camaraderie and it's just, in the shittiness, you find so much happiness. Sometimes I miss it. I don't know why.

I enjoyed every job I had as a young man. I really did because I took something from it. Like I really enjoyed, you know, stocking my mom's shelves and the ice and, you know, the beers and throwing ice at her while I was stocking it. I didn't like cleaning bathrooms. I didn't like cleaning toilets. Oh no, cleaning is the worst. I didn't like cleaning out the period box where the women put their shit in there. Oh, you had to do that?

Yeah, my mother's boy. I didn't like any of that. I had a mop. I didn't mind sweeping. I didn't mind hosing the floor and all that stuff. Then when my stepdad bought the meat place, that wasn't bad. I just had to do the register and sweep and sometimes I have to clean out the freezer, but I didn't have the touch to meat. The flowers was a different story.

When I was about 10, 9, 8 around there, he had the flower shop and I had to de-stem the roses. Oh, he must have got pricked all the time. Oh, that's a fucking horrible job de-stemming those roses at first and you get to it and you know how to do it with the, you know, the whole thing. Now it must be completely different. Just like machine. Like there's some of them. Like I see all those, all these videos online of like the people who can like cut fruit like super fast. Like they're just masters at it.

That's all they've ever done is just cut fruit and they can like cut a pineapple in the pineapple. It's a, I think the reason why I like it. I was thinking about it was it's like, it's not simple, but you know when you're done, like it's, you have a task and then it's fill, fill the popcorn. It's cut the stems off the roses. Like it's, it's all, it's a little bit like it's, there's no, it's no stress and it's like, you know where you're supposed to, I think a lot of, a lot of issues people have. Are they no kind of where they're supposed to go and what they're supposed to do, but there's so many different options. Like in life and like in life and at jobs where you're, like as a comedian, you, you can say no to certain gigs, go to certain gigs, be friends with certain comedians. When you're cutting stems off of roses, that's all you're doing.

And there's only a few ways to do that. So it's kind of no, no, no, no, no, you de-stem roses in the morning and then maybe you also do the arrangements. You just don't de-stem roses. I never did arrangements. I just de-stem roses and then stock them for the deliveries or I put them in vases for the fucking florist to design stuff with. No, no, no, no, you don't do that eight hours a day. It's fucking. Well, just that sort of thing.

Another fucking guy over here. I'm dealing with eight hours a day. And then as I got older, I was forced to do like construction jobs. And one of the first jobs I did, Carmine Balzano got me a job with the Carlo construction. And all I did that fucking summer was carry a wheelbarrow on a two by 12 over a fucking moat. Oh, that's it. Like when they put, I've always wondered about that one. That's it, yeah.

A piece of wood and you just, how does it not fall off? That's it. That's all I did for a summer was just go to the truck, get the concrete, carry it over, dump it, go to the truck. That's what you did. Eight fucking hours a day. Every once in a while, they cut me loose to pick up the paper around the construction site or maybe to help stock block or something like that. Which then the next fucking summer, I got a job. The summer before my mother died, I got a job working at a place called Severino Masonry.

And what he would do is me, him and Stinky and his son would fucking do everything by hand. You did everything by hand. There was no jackhammer. There was none of that shit. We broke everything by hand with a chisel. You know, he held it and he hit it with a sledgehammer. Everything was fucking done by hand. And that was an education and you learn how to keep yourself busy.

You learn how to look at the mason and see what he's doing. You know, you're not looking at the mason really. You're stocking the cement for the mason. You're always one step ahead of the mason. So the mason can never be fucking missing brick or missing concrete or missing water or anything like that or a line or a fucking thing to measure the wall because if he stops for that shit, that's money. Right. So that's how you assume that's why I'm always there. So when they would say to me, you always got to be ahead of them.

There would always be like four hotties on the job. And my job, I was always the best one because my job was not even to let him yell. Like I would be helping the other fucking hotties. And that's how, that's how ahead I get. And then you have to put up the fucking side. You have to, while he's doing all that shit, you have to build the scaffold for the next day. Like if it's like a three foot, those I could do. You can build the scaffold.

Like in like, you know, two stories for a chimney or that was what we did in those days. That wasn't hard at all. That's not hard at all. So those motherfuckers that build eight things up. Well, did you take a lot of pride in it? It sounds like you took pride. Yeah. You take pride in every fucking job you do.

I was only lazy for, I was only lazy at my mother's bar until I realized that it wasn't cool to be lazy. Like if she said sweep, I would sweep and not sweep behind that computer desk. Then one day, you know, it's embarrassingly. She'll say, really? There's shit behind it. You didn't see it. You saw it. You just didn't want to fucking do it.

Pick that shit up and sweep at the right fucking way. And then you start taking appreciation for that shit. You understand that you want to be the best worker on the floor. And that was always me. Then when that job ended, believe it or not, I wasn't going to play football. And I wasn't sure about basketball. So I got a job at J. Harnson from four to nine, stocking trucks. So what you do is you took orders and you went around with a fucking...

Hand truck or something? No, with a fucking hylo and with a pallet on it. Oh, geez. And you stocked orders and then you drove them to the truck drivers and they loaded it. How they wanted to load it. I would do that from four to nine my sophomore year. Sophomore year? Sophomore year.

Until about two weeks before my mother died. They got mad at me because I was late one day and they fired. I did it from September, the beginning of Sophomore year to like a week after Halloween or something like that. Why were you doing it before your mom died? Because you had money, didn't you? I had money, but I liked it. I wasn't going to play football. I wasn't going to play basketball.

You got to do something with it. You got to... You know, listen man, at that time I had already figured out I like to do good shit. At that time I was already going to Piccolissimo. When I was a sophomore in high school, I was already going to Hasquaze. There was no subway for 99 cents or fucking Domino's Pizza in my world. I paid top dollar for food. So if you want to get your dick sucked and you want to hang out with these guys,

you had to have at least a yardstick, 200 a week to hang out. Because they got beers, they went to concerts. You know, if that's the shit you want to do, then you had to have a fucking job at that age. I had a job at 14, but... I got my mom to know what I was doing. So in the back of my mom, I didn't want to ask her for money for everything. You follow her? You know, like most kids are like, I'm going to go to a concert.

Well, guess what? I want to go to a concert, but she ain't going to find that. I'm going to tell my friends playing the bongos and studying or whatever the fuck. So that's what it wasn't like, because I take pride in not asking my parents for money just because I don't want to ask them for money. So you just didn't want them knowing what you were doing? Yeah, fuck that. I make my own money for that.

Now I ask them for money for school clothes. Why? You know what I'm saying? Like why work at that angle? So then I quit that. And then I got a job at a place called Rendell Lumber and Marine. And there you had to be a good worker because it was plywood. It was boards.

It was 4x8. It was 4x12 sheetrock. It was 4x8 marine plywood, which is galvanized. They spray that stuff on it so it doesn't rust. And they have paneling there. They have joists. They have fucking doors, saddles. They have fucking everything there.

And that's the job. The guy who gave it to me, political Pete, told me, listen, if you get that job, you got to steal, because if not, they'll know that I was stealing if you don't steal. That was my next question, because I know you've talked about it. You stole from every job. No, but this one was the beginning. This one was the one that taught me how to hit it from all angles. Selling fucking plywood on the lawn, stealing from the register.

This one taught me how to hit it from all angles. But there were nice guys. There were nice people. Even there, I was, even though I was stealing and doing drugs, I looked forward to that job. I really enjoyed that job. Like I really liked when I worked full time in the summer. What did you like most about it?

The full time. At that age, at 15, 16, I liked the full time. I really liked that you could, what's the word I'm looking for? You could just go eight to four and the sun would shine. And I knew I was going to make a bigger check this week. That year from sophomore to junior year and junior to senior year, I didn't have summer school. So that's the year I worked for Randall Lumber going into senior year.

But I had worked for them before. Like I had been with them way before. I worked there every day. I would get there from two to six. I worked there. So I worked about $28 a week in those days. They probably paid me $7 an hour, which was nothing compared to what I was stealing. I was like, Mike Dowd.

I wasn't even picking up my checks on Friday. I was like, Mike Dowd. I wouldn't even care about my check. I was making so much money in the lumber yard selling four by eight plywood that it was ridiculous. They would want 80 for galvanized, that marine plywood that wouldn't rust. And I'd sell it for 25 a sheet cash. Guys on Saturday were coming for 10 fucking sheets, 20 sheets. I'm 17.

I'm going out fucking six bills in my pocket when I was in high school. And we were going to eat something nice or whatever. I can't imagine a bunch of 14 or 16 year olds going to like a fancy Italian restaurant tipping. Like that's why I don't know. Like when my nephew came out, I asked him what he liked. And he goes, I like my grandmother's cooking and something else. I go growing up. You didn't go to hashways.

He said, never. We never were raised to go to hashways. I was always in fucking hashways eating the fresh sandwich made of roast beef or something. You know, like I always took pride in that. We had a pizza place in the town where we'd all go, but it wasn't, it wasn't like a family or thing, but it was a, it was owned by a Greek guy and he'd give chips out. It was like it's a town thing. Like from the time you're a kid, you go in there because he gives, he gives the kids chips

and he gives the parents baklava and it's a, it's like a central place in the town. You know, and then I don't know about all this central place in the town. We were talking about jobs. Okay. And then after my mom thought I really learned that you had to work, but I didn't digest it. I was still going to go around it. That was always my plan in the beginning to go around working, but I had to make a living. How was I going to make a living?

Do you follow me? Like I didn't want to work. I always tried to get around it, but how are you going to make a living? Well, you think you've, you hustled, I guess, but it took me years to recover that mentality. Like I liked working. I liked the idea of being in a union. I liked the idea of doing this and doing that. And all of a sudden one day I was like, wait a second, I don't want to fucking do this shit in the daytime.

And that's when I went off to reservation and stuff, but it, it didn't really strike me till, and don't get me wrong. I would get jobs from time to time in between to make ends meet. I would disappear and get a job for two months and put a couple of grand away and start my bullshit all over again. You know what I'm saying? But do you just get jobs and just know that it's only going to be for a couple months? That's it. That's it. Just get a job.

It's three, four dollars more an hour. And you know, you're usually going to get, they had a little overtime involved. Fuck it. I'll settle down for 90 days, get some clothes, get some fucking haircuts, go to the movies, catch up on some shit. You know, and I, and I did that. I did that. You know, when I went to Colorado in 83, I was forced to do that. I was finally forced because before I was working for that bookie in the city and I didn't want that.

I knew that someday this job was going to be over. So I wanted to develop some type of work history. Right. And that's, were you doing any of this in high school for like a college application? Because that's a big thing now is they always to have extra curriculars when you're applying to college. You just liked working. Yeah. I just like to work.

I feel bad for these fucking kids now. They make them go to the hospital and do this. And they made kids that wanted to be a nurse, be candy stripers and all that type of stuff. But now they're taking it to a different level with kids, I think. And it's all volunteer work and shit they want you to do. Well, it's volunteer work. And then it's being in clubs and like our friend Dave at the Kettleville place. His kid is on like two or three baseball teams and then like middle school.

It's great. It's, it's getting out of control. But working is something that I've noticed. It's not as much as having a job as having as much as good job work ethic. You know, that's the thing that it took me years to really grasp. But by the time I got out of prison, I understood it by that time. And it took me a long time. And I was 27, 28, 29.

By that time, I understood that I was going to have to get a job. And I settled down with roofing. When I first went to work for my brother in laws, I knew that this was the best I could do. For right now. They were going to give me 800 a week to fucking help them roof 40 hours a week. No really over time unless you wanted to work it. 800 a lot of fucking money in those days. Yeah.

And I went there and I put a central thought in my mind. I knew that if I went there, I didn't want to be that brother in law. That was the brother in law. I wanted to be the brother in law. That was the best work around the fucking floor because I didn't want to embarrass them. And that's exactly what I did. I outworked all those motherfuckers. And that was like the first time that you had a good work ethic, you think?

No, I always had a good work ethic. That's the first time I applied it because I knew this is what I needed to do. And if I was going to do this, this is how I was going to do this. Do you remember having that thought? I know tons of people that do not have a good work ethic. I know a thousand people that get it. And once you start understanding it, like how to put together your day. Listen, if you have a warehouse job, there's 20 ways to do it.

There's 20 different ways to do this warehouse job. Like let's say I was in shipping in a warehouse. Right. Every morning when I come in, I go to the fucking thing. I grab the bill of ladings. Maybe there's 20, 30 of them. And I got to pack those 30 orders. Put them on pallets.

When the truck driver comes, whatever. I know that I have one job. I have the job to load and whatever. But in my world, I want to do a little more. So I always stock those things because when you're looking for shit, you make a mess in the warehouse. Oh yeah, of course. You make a mess. So I was always the guy that once we didn't stock, we weren't stocking trucks.

Like I always wanted to be finished first. So I go back and clean my shit. Even, but when I quit high school, I got a job at Mass Back Century loading trucks. And it took me about a month before I became a fucking savage in there. I was doing what the top guy was doing. Like that was always my goal when I got those jobs. So what do you think changed then when you got to your brother-in-law's roofing? Cause like that's interesting.

That's something I think about a lot. When, if you realize when you're making one of those important life decisions, or if it's just, it just happens and looking back on you're like, okay, I made that decision. I did make that decision because it was an important decision. I was 30 years old. I had nothing going for me. I had felonies, you know, I still like partying.

I was on probation and everybody else in Boulder was paying people $10 a fucking hour. So that's 400 a fucking week before taxes, my friend. That means you're sucking dick. That's a thousand a month. You know, when I talked to them one day, I said, listen, I got no roofing experience. I had construction experience, but I got no roofing experience. I said, okay, come to work for a week and we'll let you know.

And in the first day, I didn't know how to cut a roof with a saw. I didn't know that shit, but by fucking Thursday, I was cutting that motherfucker with a saw exactly how they were doing it. You know, I wasn't flashing the roof by that week, but after 60 days, I was flashing a dog. You know, that's when you wrap the pipes and when you know how to roof certain areas, like when the roof's a flat, you know, sometimes a roof is flat, but there's skylights up there.

So you got to cut around those skylights and put fucking glue around it and wrap it. There's a certain way to do it. You know, by the end of the 60 days, I knew how to do those things. Was it hard for you to learn a new trade or no? Nothing. There's no new trade out there that is hard for anybody because it's all very simple, repetitiveness. And anybody could do a trade. It's what you're adaptable to.

Like I was never good at like being a mechanic. But I was always good at painting. Like I could have done this shit with the brick walls. Once I saw them doing it, I'm like, ah, OK. Me, I was just going to go get the brick paper and put it on the walls. I didn't know this existed. Oh, yeah, me either. I didn't know this existed like this.

So see, that's how out out of the hardware business, I've been the last fucking 20 years. And that's for me. That's my favorite part about a job that I like is finding stuff I like. So for you and you like painting and stuff like that. Now you know this exists. It's like you find like a new hidden trick or something. I love finding a trick to make my job or my life easier in something that I look.

That's that's why when I was editing, I would spend every waking moment that I wasn't doing something in an editor's room. And it, it, it helped. It's like, I think that's probably what because you said you would watch the brick mason. It's important to just watch and, and just learn. Well, I don't think that exists too much in jobs today where you could just, because you have the Mexican laborers, you know, which I'm not saying nothing bad about.

I'm just telling the truth here. And when I worked, what they did was once you caught up with your work, they would teach you something. They would let you lay brick or let you set a line. Right. Yeah. They let you do different things, which is always very interesting to me. Listen, there's nothing like going to work.

People call it, you have a couple of different types of job. You have assembly work. Like I've done assembly work when I worked with those shells and I hit the black guy with the fucking box. We used to go get him booze at lunchtime and edgewater. I've done assembly work. That's going to last four months in my world. Why? Because it's very, I can't do that type of shit.

The same shit every day. I'll lose my fucking mind. But for some people, way in those days, they put AM radio on, they drink a little booze and they smoke two joints and they could do fucking assembly work all day. But think of doing that for 20 years. I mean, eventually you assemble something else and they move you up the line instead of fucking putting the foot on, you put the eyeballs on. I don't know.

I don't know how it works. But I always liked, A, I always wanted to learn something. B, I didn't mind grunt work as long as you teach me something. So I don't mind digging a trench, but teach me how to lay that pipe in there. Teach me how to lay that perforated pipe in there, how I could run it from the fucking sprinkler. You follow me? That's on a week from now? I could do that.

And then instead of waiting six months for a raise, I could ask for a raise at four months. Because I'm doing that pipe work that you're doing for 16. I'm doing it for eight. Come on, give me two more fucking dollars, cock sucker. That's smart. I don't think there's a lot of mentorship going around, which I love. When people don't like a coach or don't like someone who has a more intense leadership style, I love it.

I really respond. I respond. I like that a lot. I wouldn't like someone who, if you came and were like, oh, well, teach me how to do that on the first day. No one's going to teach you that your first day. You have to prove yourself. You have to... Well, sometimes you have to look at something being done, and then you put it together, and

they teach you how to put it together. When I worked in Mercy School, two things. There's a roof over here they're doing, and they're taking their time with it. Why? Because they're non-unit and they don't have to wear hats. Then there's a roof a block away. You see those motherfuckers? My wife was like, I wonder why these guys?

I go, look at them. What's the difference? She goes, I can't tell. I go, those guys got helmet on, and those guys don't. Those guys are non-unit. The guys at the helmet's a unit. Do you think the union guys charge more, probably? Oh, no.

The union rates are always highest, but what I'm saying is union guys take their time. You see what I'm saying? I thought the other guys took their time. Why these union guys just, they take 15 minute breaks. The union makes them come off the roof every fucking two hours to stretch their legs. Meanwhile, these pull them, I'm sorry, I confused you guys. Meanwhile, the non-unit little Mexicans, the one black guy up there, they're up there with no shirt fucking slamming up there, fucking throwing things, they're drinking.

They're done already. They did that roof in four fucking days. Meanwhile, these union guys have been there for a month. They probably lay like 10 yards a fucking day when they could probably do 40 or 50 yards a goddamn day. That's always, once I started roofing and I learned how to estimate, then I looked at everything completely different. That was the weirdest thing that ever happened to me in my fucking life.

Learning how to estimate? Because I went to college and through a bunch of stupid events like everybody else does, I ended up an econ major. Okay? And that's completely one thing. That's completely one thing. That's graphs and, you know, micro and how to do this from a business. I don't even remember how the shit that is.

But when I went to roof, what happened? I got so good at whatever, I went on a few residential roofing jobs at them. So guess what I did though? I fucking, we used to work with Carlisle Rubber. Okay, that's a good rubber. Carlisle. And then we also worked with Firestone or Goodyear. I think it was Goodyear Rubber.

So I contacted those companies. That's how slick I was. And I said, do you have an estimating course? And they go, yes we do. I swear to God, I took both of those fucking courses. So you know everything about the product? So I know everything about the product. But I also learned man hours, materials, labor, insurance.

I learned all these different fucking things. This is why sometimes you bring an idea to me. Do you remember when I was doing beating the beast, Felicia used to drive me crazy because she wanted to do the best stuff. Right, yeah. And sell it for a dollar or some shit. And I used to explain to her that just the manpower to get that nobody, for years she never really understood.

For years she never really understood what I was saying. And that's what I know about. Like that gave me a different perspective on everything. Because you can see it black and white. Oh, when I learned about estimating. Yeah. Now every time I go to a restaurant, I count people. Yeah, because it matters.

Every time I do little things, I count people. You know, I look at the manpower. It's like people in Hollywood here. They have a manager and a fucking agent. Okay. Agents have one job and managers do the other. Every once in a while you look at your manager and you're like, what the fuck is that motherfucker doing?

So if something happens, let's say you got a TV show and you got $10,000 for the five days. Right. You got to send them each a thousand bucks. You don't mind sending the guy who got you the job, the thousand bucks, but the messenger, you start getting a little fucking pissed off. And that's when you look at performance versus what you're paying them. This happens in every field. We just don't look at it from that way.

As soon as you come to me with something, as soon as you come to me with something, because you're from that millennial mind with the, well, we're just getting a new table. Well, you always get me sewn and something about the weed you get gets my mind going. In the worst direction ever. In the worst direction ever. He calls me to tell me YouTube is down and he calls me the other day. Who are we going to have to listen to people on Wednesday night? Let me tell you something.

I have a very great comedy and podcast life because I respect the comedy and I respect the podcast, both the same. And you're going, what Joey, what does that mean? Let me fucking tell you what that means. Coxuck is that means that I do two podcasts a week and those three nights. I know two nights I do two podcasts a week. We do two hours. I do not do comedy.

I do not do comedy. I never planned nothing after these podcasts. You know what? Because I want to focus on you. I really want to focus on you guys. I never liked to come in here and have a gun to my head. That's when I called a guest and he goes, well, I got to leave at 8.30. Forget it because we don't know what time we're going to start.

So why fuck around? I don't want you looking at a fucking clock or a fucking deck. No. So when I leave here, once we say good night on Wednesday, I don't know nothing about a podcast ever again. I won't talk to you about the podcast until Saturday afternoon. No you won't. It really doesn't matter to me. Do you know why?

Because I focus so much on my stand up. I want those shows to be so good. So I don't give a fuck about the podcast. That's it. It's over. The podcast ended. So two weeks ago, we were both really high. We ended the podcast and you go, oh my God, I know we should put on the show some guests.

You're dead. Like that doesn't even affect me like that. And people do not get that. That I have learned how to keep it. That's simple technician. When I go on the road, I don't give a fuck who you are. I don't want to do a podcast. Do you understand me?

I never want to do a podcast. You wouldn't care if it was Obama. I don't give a fuck whose podcast it is. And then I get a thousand emails a week when you come to Pittsburgh. Listen, I don't want to do a podcast. This is the simple reason why. Because I'm done. But it's right next to the club.

I wouldn't give a fuck if it's above the hotel room. I'm doing comedy for the weekend. It keeps my life simple. It keeps me sane. And I got fucking. That's it. I do not want to do a podcast. I will do those two fucking radio shows.

They give me a Friday morning. And that's it. That's all I want to fucking do. I don't want to do dick because I don't want to mix and match. It's not worth it to me. You can pick me up Saturday and drive 30 minutes. Then I got to meet your family. I got to meet your dog and the goat.

And then some fucking creepy guy in your studio wants to smoke dope with me. So I got to sit there and avoid him with the fucking cough and the wooden foot. And then we do it for an hour and a half. I don't know anybody fucking there. And then on the way home, he wants to stop. So now it's four hours out of my fucking Saturday. I got two shows, cuz. I got two shows.

I got to stand there for two fucking hours. I got to be there for three. I got to take pictures afterwards and stuff. I ain't doing no fucking podcast. Once I get back from that whole, from that radio, Friday 11, you don't see me no more. Nobody sees me. I'm a ghost. I never see you.

No. I go to the gym. I go to a completely there. Listen, if your restaurant isn't a fucking walking distance from the hotel, you're kaputz. I don't give a fuck if you serve John Kennedy the best fucking mashed potato. It's got nothing to do with it. People refuse to understand that about me. Like, I just don't give a fuck.

I really don't want to do anything. Like, that's why I respect the podcast. And when I'm here, I don't, I don't do content. Tuesday night I do comedy. Tomorrow night I got two sets. You know, that's completely different. I'm off. I'm trying to tune up material for the fucking week and get my shit together.

You know what I'm saying? Lisa. Yeah. I was watching. There's this guy on social media. He used to do a wine show, but now he just does regular social media stuff. His name is like Gary Vinercheck, but he had this video about like staying in his lane. And I immediately thought of you.

Like, you don't, you don't really try. You don't really do a lot of like, guess projects or like, you do what you do. And you do it because you do it well. Like, it's, you don't really test the waters. You don't do like plays or like, I never really see you with those kind of projects. Listen, man, I've done everything there is to do here. And I know what's going to get your head. What you're wasting your fucking time with.

What you're wasting your fucking time with. Cause I've been here 19 years. I've seen all the fucking, I'm shooting my own pilot. Those dumb fucks. I'm gonna shoot a pilot and take it to the studio. They'll buy it. Okay. You know, I've seen all the fucking shoot my own special and sell it to HBO.

I've seen all those guys. We did it. You know, I've seen all those guys. You see the different things and you see how they attack it. And you say to yourself, if I did that same thing, how would I attack it to make it different? You know what? That's not going to work either. So I won't do something like that.

I believe when you do something, you do it. When you do something, you do it. Three years ago, I joined your Jiu Jitsu this month. I'm still a white belt with three stripes. I'm not good at all. Do you know why? Because instead of going to a school that fit my fucking needs, I went to a school that was closer to me. And then I realized I couldn't make it.

So I had to go to three different places to make the fucking big. And then the long time on and then at the end of the day, all I did was spin my fucking wheels. I've learned more at Albertos and four fucking months I did in two and a half years in other places. But we all do that with certain situations in our lives. When it comes to the podcast, I ain't spending my fucking wheels. I knew five years ago would need to be done. I was watching Marin, I was watching Rogan, and I was watching Corolla. And still today, I still see it a certain way.

I did a play. I did a play and I got fired. Why did you get fired from the play? It was a horror show. Was it a musical or a play? First of all, plays don't pay in LA. Really? Yeah, there's no theater here in LA.

Horrible. I thought in the back of my fucking mind, like my wife said to me, she goes, once a year you get wiped for a month. I thought that if I got into a play, people come to see me. My acting would improve because it's one month continually or six or seven weeks. It's like a mini camp, you know? So I got a call one day from somebody. This was like, I didn't know.

I just realized I said to myself one day, who? I should do a play. And then I got a call from New York City, Lincoln Center. They were doing a play and they wanted me to go down there as a fireman. It was like a musical. And I'm like, that's not going to work. You're not really much of a singer? I didn't know if they wanted me to be a singer.

I don't know if they really wanted me to be a singer. But then I was like, maybe I would do a play. And I got a call. This has to be maybe 2008. That long ago? Wow. Yeah. So it's six, two.

Yeah. I haven't seen these fucking creepos. I've seen the one idiot from the play. Now I get to play and it's a play about a Greek barbershop. And I play a gangster, hangs in there and takes book and there's another gangster, hangs in there. I don't even know what the fuck it was called. Rehearsals were every day from nine to 10 30.

I had to be on Vermont. But I lived in Hollywood. So it was okay. It's not like I lived in the valley. An hour and a half every day? Every day. Monday through Friday. And then the weekends I was off.

I canceled like two weeks of work. And I was stuck. I was there on time every day. I brought my own wardrobe. This went on for about five weeks. And then it just started cracking on the set. The guy was arguing with one guy and then the other guy. And then something happened that he yelled at somebody one day.

The guy was out of control. And you know at the end of the day the guy had never done nothing. The guy had never done anything. These guys are bums. Bums. I'm sitting there and I know more than the guy. I'm like why is he standing over there? The people over there.

Like I knew all these blocking things that he didn't fucking know. But I didn't raise my hand at all. I never said none. It wasn't my play. It wasn't my fucking play. So I don't give a fuck. Well one day something happens with one of the guys that's a sweetheart. And I just go hey man this guy is a sweetheart.

You can't talk to him like that. He goes if you don't like it you can leave too. And I felt like smacking the guy. But I go you know what he just gave me an opportunity to get the fuck out of here. I don't want to do this play anyway. And he kept my name on the bill. And people would show up. And then call me and go that play was fucking horrible.

I think it lasted three weeks. So was it after the longest year? Yes. Yes. I thought I was doing something to improve. I wasn't going to do nothing for him. Listen. Nothing changes in your career until you say it's going to change.

You following what I'm saying? Kind of but I don't know what happens. If you look at my IMDB. I did some fucking big time shit from 99 to 2007. You look at my fucking IMDB. And you see I did some fucking big time movies. I did some big time TV shows. You know it was nonstop for me.

Because I hustled like a motherfucker. I would drop off envelopes. I got breakdowns. I fucking worked. And there's shit that's still not on there. There's at least 10 more movies that aren't on there. Oh, there's tons of tons, tons, tons. All right.

So you started in. Oh my God. What 98. Baseball. Baseball. 18 wheels of justice. That's a funny show. American gun.

NYPD blue. Analyze that. Dickie Roberts. E.R. cold case. Longover SVU. The titles. Keep reading it. Those are all good shows.

Spider-Man 2. Taxi. The longest yard. 2005. 18 fingers of death. Let's see. How I met your mother. Everybody hates Chris.

Smiley face. Okay. Right around. Smiley face is where it started going downhill. Smiley face is 2006. 2007. 2007. But I shot in December 2006.

I was still going for auditions there. But then during my name is zero. Something happened. The strike. The strike. The strike killed fucking everything. Nobody knew what they were going to do. People were panicking.

You know, I was heartbroken because I had done five episodes of Earl up to that part. And now pilot season was here and I was going to be on a show. And I still do the next seven episodes were all in the prison also. Oh no. Yeah. I had the luck of a lizard, guys. And I was a little cracked. You know, I didn't know.

I thought that being on that fucking Earl show, even if it was one scene a week. See, it was taking great care of me. He was calling me down like, come on down, dog. Can you be in two hours? Yeah. Come on down. Should have seen with us. Like it was that type of shit.

But the strike killed me Lee. And I started panicking. So now read the resume. All right. So then you go to freak TV. My life at 26. One Hogan place. Was it a ways it waverly place?

Spoiler maker. The deported. Nothing. Nothing. None of that movies were any good. Keep going. The dog who saved Christmas vacation. Stonerville.

Well, I started doing the dog that saved Christmas in 2006. You did the mental list. No, 2008. Yeah. The mental list of 2009. Correct. I was already in the valley. 11.

2011. I was already in the valley. All right. Then something happened. I kept getting hit up for about eight months. Hey, we're doing this movie for YouTube. And I would do it. Oh, I would read the script.

And then I kept getting all those other ones. The one you just said, not 26, but something after that. There was like two movies I did. The Jersey Shore. Shark Attack. Before that. Kicking it. Leader of the pack.

Cinnamon. Yeah. All those. All those fucking things. Leader of the pack was about, it was the guys from whatever they didn't want to pay. You got a TV show. Then I found out they got a deal and a holding deal for a year. I kept hitting the guy up and that's when I started getting pissed off that these people

that you do favors for are fucking creepy. Like when they call you up and they go, hey, I got this great scene for you. Don't pay. Hang up the phone. Hang up the phone. Those are the people that fuck you the most. Yeah. The people who certainly don't have money, even though they're driving BMW.

They're the ones that fuck you the most. We don't have it, but NBC thought that and they always get you with that. Dana, whatever wants you to care. And I'm like, God damn it. Got to be there at six in the fucking morning. That's fucked up. And I made a decision on that. I said, you know what, I ain't doing those no more.

I had some dudes stroking me. He wanted to do some TV show in the pitch. And then he brought, he introduced me to the investors and the investors were also going to be in the episodes and I'm like, oh, this is going to blow. Then I had these other dudes who want to do an MMA show. Then I had these other dudes who were going to do a web series and they had the dude from fucking the social network. Jesse Eisenberg.

Yeah. You know, it was all bullshit. They had nothing. You know what I'm saying? And I go, you know what? That's it. I'm not doing none of this shit no more. I'm not even going to meetings with them.

I'm not even going to meet them. If I don't see a fucking breakdown, I'm not doing dick. I'm not doing dick. That's it. I'm sticking to my fucking guns. And a breakdown is the listing of the next 90 days every fucking week. Hi, Joey. We have this thing we're doing about mobsters.

No. Hey, Joey. We have that. How much? Nothing. Not. Not. Not.

No. Forget it. Get the fuck out of here. And guess what happened after 90 days? And you know what, Lee? It broke my fucking heart. There was this one script I read and it was about a salesman and a son. Okay.

And how this guy went across, you know, California and it was just, he was just a loser. He was drinking and doing drugs and his son lived in the car with him. And it was a three day shoot for the UCLA thing. And it was going to go to this music theater, this festivals, you know, and I told him the truth. I said, so how much? And then like, we give you 150 for three days. And I go, where are we shooting it?

And they go, we're shooting at four hours from here. And I go, you paying for the hotel? No. I go, you guys want to give me 150 with no hotel and no gas and no meals. Lee, she goes, well, don't feed your pizza on the set. Lee, I really wanted to do this because I was only using it as a reel. I really wanted to do this, but it was, it was Friday, Saturday, Sunday and all day Monday.

I've been involved in those. They were a disaster, Lee. And then you have to fork out 400 for a hotel. 400 for a hotel. I called her up like a man. I said, listen, I'm not doing it. She even cursed me out the girl. She goes, hi, you hold, you held this on a rope for two weeks.

Hey, man, I had to think about it. It's a beautiful script. You're going to miss out. You'll see. I looked it up about three months ago. How's it doing on Vimeo? Oh my God. 74 views.

It had 390 fucking views. That's better than I thought. Because that's what happens to these people. And a lot of people are going, well, Joey, that's kind of, let me tell you what happens people. They come to you with a bunch of fucking bullshit just to get you to shoot the movie. And then after the movie is done, they call you a month later and go, hey, do you know anybody we could sell this to?

And you're like, no, you told me you did. My cousin's boyfriend quit. And you're like, ah, and they're like, listen, we're thinking of just releasing it on YouTube. And now I'm on fucking YouTube. And you're like, I don't want to fucking be on YouTube. Not for 150. No. Not for anything.

And you know what happened, Lee? I held out for fucking a year and a half. Nothing really big happened in my life. And also one day I got a shot. I called to be in a denero movie. So me holding out showed me that that's what you do. Sometimes against your own fucking, because once you make a fucking law for yourself, you have to stick to it.

The first time you go away from that, you're going to get fucked in the ass. It always happens. The first time you, like if you say to yourself, you know what, my rates going to be 650. 650. 650. And some guy comes to you, well, how about six? That's the day you get fucked. How about I give you six on a Sunday and you're like, okay, I'll take the six on a Sunday.

Bam. That's the day you get fucked. Anything that changes your original train of thought. And you know, like five minutes into the situation. I know five minutes into the situation. You're like, oh, fuck, I shouldn't have done this. But when I looked up that movie, it was so fucking bad. And I emailed.

You know me, though. You should have just commented on the video. No, no, no, I would never. I emailed and said, I watched that video. Thank God I didn't do that. I looked up that festival they said they were going to be in. I looked it up for the past three years. They didn't get in it.

I told you. I told you. You hold the grudge. You look it up over here. I believe because I don't like people wasting fucking people's time. No. And lying to them in this town. They lie to you.

They fucking blatantly lie to your fucking face and say, hey, I have a guy at NBC that listen, I got a call. When I go before Indianapolis, I got a call from a certain fucking jerk off that has a gym now. Okay. So he calls me to tell me that he's putting together the show. It's a TV show. The producer already sold the show and he wants to do a show with me. If I could stop by his stupid fucking gym. You know, and I'm like, who's I was going to be in the show and he tells me the UFC guy that's going to be in the show.

And I'm like, oh boy. And he tells me how many episodes they bought already and all they're going to do is start shooting. You know what I call the guy on Monday. I didn't go down. I said, listen, I'm around. I'm here this week till Wednesday. And then the following week, the week I was supposed to go up there with Dice, I go around all week. Let me know.

I go to Sony with you. He called back. He's like, yeah, you know, it's not going to be much money at first. I go, well, how much is it going to be? You know, he told me where we're shooting and all that. And I go, how much is it going to be? And he goes, well, it's going to be like, we're going to split. We're going to split $300 a week.

And I was like, number one, I can't drive down there for two fucking days a week when I'm home. You know, I can't do it. Not for 100 bucks? Yes. No, no, no, no. I go, you got to go with a different fucking dude. He called me back. He's like, you really disappointed me.

Hey, listen, man, I got a wife and a fucking kid. If I helped everybody, I'd be fucking dead. I couldn't fucking feed them. I couldn't feed them. I did all the favors I did. The first 10 years I was here, I got taken like I told you, I got taken. People took me, man. You do these things.

They tell you it's going to go somewhere and then you never hear from them again. Oh, isn't it awkward sometimes when you do hear from them and they like, they want to do it again? Have you ever had someone try to like bamboozle? Oh, all the time. That takes a lot of balls to be like, hey, I know I did it last time, but I won't do it this time. No, well, they call you with a different beat. I did this movie, The Raging Bull. It was the whatever the fuck it is.

De Niro's movie, but only without De Niro. They did it and they're in litigation. They're in litigation. Like the movie's been released. I shot this movie, remember with you? I brought the video and you edited the video. Oh, yeah. You edited the video for me in the beginning.

So that's what, four years ago? Yeah. It still hasn't been released. Every fucking week he puts it up on IMDB with a re-release. But do you know he hits me up with an email once a month about a new script he's got? I don't even, I just deleted. I just deleted, Lee. I got real fucking things in front of my head.

Did he keep sending you emails? Yeah, listen. He just go delete. Lee, man. Listen, Lee, I get fucking 30,000 emails a fucking week. I don't know what the hell's a half of them. I don't see my agent's name, your name, my wife's name, they get deleted. You understand?

I don't even look out. Bang, bang, bang. You know, the other day I happened to look at my text messages. I don't understand why people are so dumb. Why people are so dumb? I just love like that's your whole thing. Like I don't understand what they're saying. I don't understand what they're saying.

So I just delete them. I just fucking run right down the text thing. I don't open them. I don't care. And I see, hi, having to open Mike and Holly with Glank. I don't give a fuck, guy. If you don't call me, you won't win. And they don't even introduce themselves.

Those morons are the best. I don't even open them, Lee. You think I open them. I read the first line on top. I press and then delete and it's all over. Have you ever had one where someone had the wrong name? Someone said, hey, Brian. So I know they sent that email to Red Band too.

I was like, oh, okay. No, no, no, no. They don't, no, no, no. You never get, but um. I get those stupid things from Segora, that fucking Momo and one day Tripoli did it with those group emails. Oh, the texts, you know, like that. That's when I motherfucked everybody on the group text.

It's hysterical. Fuck you. Your mother sucks dick. They go crazy. Don't you ever fucking include me in a group text again? I miss your older voicemail. Why don't you have that anymore? Because I'm a fucking adult.

I can't be telling people to go fuck themselves. Now I got them captivated. They don't know who it is. Where's Tony Bennett? Oh shit. Crickly. I wanna be around. To pick up the pieces.

Fuck the jack on a Monday night. So I opened up the day by fucking passing out today. What? Classic. It started fucking Friday. I was talking to a friend of mine. I told him I was gonna have the nose surgery. He said to me, haven't you seen my pictures when I had the nose surgery?

I said, not really. I took pictures and videos of me pulling the cotton out and pulling it back in. Why would you take videos of that? And as I'm fucked to show people how easy it is, I don't know what the fuck he was saying. So this is already starting to creep me out. So Friday I'm already starting to get creeped out over the weekend

about, you know, just stupid shit. You know, like this fucking... I thought the surgery was non-invasive and you're walking around and now people are off for three days of talent. You can't breathe. You're choking to death. I don't need this shit in my life. I got anxiety fucking walking upstairs

when I can't breathe out of my nose. So I'm alright Friday. After I get off the phone with this woman to take Saturday, I'm okay. Love you, buddy. Turn Sunday, I go home. And I take a nap and I play with the baby. And last night I'm watching fucking, what is it, 60 minutes? Sure.

And they're talking about a mild cancer and the brain cancer and what you got, right? And they don't stop brain cancer. And they show like it's promised this, that, and also it takes a turn and people fucking dropping dead they're getting fat. How many stars have you seen at this point? Last night?

When you were watching this cancer documentary? Three or four. Three or four. I'm sorry. Thank you for bringing that up. That's what got me. Now I'm watching this shit and all of a sudden he goes, yeah, so in this case they put a catheter in his head

and when they pull it out it burst a blood vessel and blood was everywhere. And I'm sitting there going, oh my god. I can't believe I'm gonna faint here watching this on the couch. And finally I outbreath myself out of this when I doctor beliefs myself out of this one. I'm sitting there and who fucking calls me? Dean Delray.

And I go, wait, you ready to get something? I'm at the start of cancer benefit. And what the fuck is this shit with cancer tonight? I changed the channel, I put something fucking else on. So, okay, so I go to bed last night with this fucking little anxiety, cancer, and the other idiot with my nose. So this morning I'm sitting there. It's about five after nine.

I'm thinking about going to 10 o'clock jiu-jitsu. I'm sitting there, I had breakfast at 8.30. They give me plenty of time. 10 o'clock jiu-jitsu is a little bit more physical. They make you pick up punching bags and run up walls and all that shit, but if you don't show up you're never gonna show up, you know. But something wasn't right.

I didn't have anxiety. I'm sick and tired of hearing that word, I didn't have that. Something just wasn't right. And I sit on the couch, Mercy's in the living room, and all of a fucking sudden the phone rings. And I look at it and it's my old friend. I pick up the phone, I go, what's up, dawg? He goes, nothing, listen, how you doing?

We start talking. You know, we've been playing phone tag me and this guy. This is a friend of mine from not even North Bergen. I know this guy from fucking Colorado and all that shit. He's living in Miami now. So we're talking and he goes, hey man, are you gonna be down here? Somebody said you might be coming to a casino. I go, no.

I was thinking about going, but they gave me the week of July 15. I ain't going to Miami July 15. He's like, fuck you, I don't blame you. He goes, that's the week I go to Maine or something. I don't fucking know. So we start talking and he goes, that would have been good. You know, but anyway, I go, listen, I'm getting that. The other reason why I can't go is I'm getting no surgery.

And he goes, you're getting the rhinoplasty. And he fucking starts telling me how his wife's sister had it. And it's fucking bloody. And there's towels and shit's coming out of his nose. And it's like, you know, when are you flying after they give yourself time? But he goes, there's a lot of shit you can't do. But he just described the gauze coming out of your nose. And that was too much.

Oh my God. It was like, I looked at the clock and I looked and I called him. I go, listen, don't worry. I get off the phone. I get off the phone. I'm sitting there. Now I'm breathing. I'm doing Dr. Bullies shit.

I'm breathing out of my nose, really expanding my stomach. And I'm breathing. I'm fucking, and I get up a little bit and I take my jacket off. I had a hooded sweatshirt on because I get to the immediate heat. You know, now I'm breathing. I'm breathing. I'm breathing. I tell Terry, Terry.

Terry comes over. She goes, I'm going to get you something. Go get me a water. Let me get some water. I drink a little fucking water in me. Now I'm still fucking feeling terrible. Terry goes, hold on. I'll get you a towel.

She comes back into the room with the Mercy's little towel. Didn't do dick to me with not even real cold water. But I got so aggravated. That's what happens to me, you know. But this time, sometimes I get aggravated and that takes me out of the room. This time I had gray on top of me and Mercy ran to me and just punched me in the stomach. And at that point right there, she was just playing with me. You know, she was just going to jump on Tommy.

I always make believe I'm napping and that's what I was doing. I had my head back. So she's like, daddy, wake up. And I'm like, I am awake, but I was really passing out and Lee, it went up an extra notch and all of a sudden I felt the skunk come out of me. That means my whole body perspirates. Like you feel your whole body just go pop. Like it's an anxiety type sweat.

Like it's an anxiety based sweat. I don't think I've ever had that. Oh my God, Lee, it's fucking horrible. And at that point when that skunk comes out, you're about five minutes from passing out if you don't get yourself out of this predicament. So wait, so do we, I don't know if you ever discussed it. Did you take stars? Because you said thanks for bringing it up, but then.

I took stars last night. Okay, okay. So maybe last night, uh, while she, you know, I was watching this, the stars fucked it up a little bit. No, but. But this morning I was straight as an arrow. Oh. I was straight as an arrow. It was 905.

I had smoked pot. I had smoked a little pot, but I was straight. No reason for me to have that reaction to my friend telling me that it just carried over from Friday. And it carried over from Sunday night. And oh my God, all of a sudden my t-shirt was wet. The back of my hand was wet. Everything was wet. Like I just start personally.

You just start sweating. And I kept, I breathed myself out of it. I kicked my shoes off. I just laid back. Mercy kept jumping on me. And I just told Terry, I got to go on and lay down. And I went in and lay down until about 1130 and that was it. That's why my hair was all fucked up when I came in.

The reason why I was angry, because I came in, because I just went outside to get air. Then Terry goes, hold on, watch Mercy. I'm like upstairs and get crab cakes. And actually, you know, Mercy wanted to get the bike and come down here. I'm sitting here thinking about my day. And now I haven't done dick. I sent maybe two emails before 830 or something. I still haven't done dick.

Right. So that's why I went home this afternoon. I even did kettlebells this afternoon. What'd you do? I did five sets of ten swings. Nice. I did three sets of one arm swing. I did three sets of five on each side cleans.

And I did those things where you go and then pop up with the bell upside down. Then you superset it with squats. So I did five and five three times. That's it, because I want to go to Jiu Jitsu more. I don't want to be fucking super sore. I broke a little sweat and that was it. I'm having a real fucked up time with my snatches. I just can't get it.

It's like, it's frustrating. Keep practicing. He always gets you out of there with those fucking snatches. You know what I'm saying? He always, he'll keep working on you with those snatches. Something that you mentioned earlier today. I know people across the country. I fucking read this the other day.

I read a really disturbing article about Woody Allen. I guess he went to Cannes the other night, which I don't know nothing about people. That's not my world. I just woke up one. I just woke up the other morning. This was on CNN. And I found it interesting. So when I got to Sacramento, I read the accusations online.

That is fucked up. And there's people that have, what do you call that? Boycott of work with him. But there's some people that don't give a friend's fuck. I mean, so he married Suni. He adopted. Listen, again, folks, there's some shit I know about. There's some shit I do not know about.

Remember I called you up when we were talking about Suni? What does it mean? Yeah. So this Suniche, he adopted her? Yeah. From the little knowledge I have. Yes, him and his wife adopted her. Maybe his wife did.

Maybe that was the thing. Maybe his wife adopted her. Now did he molest her? Or he just married her one day. He just fucking raised her. Oh my God, this is crazy. I've never heard of abuse allegations, but it would be crazy to think there wasn't something weird going on. But then the other daughter, Mia Farrell's other daughter.

Yeah. Like a while ago, had accusations, right? Was it just this weekend? Well, I guess the brother talks some shit. But Woody Allen is looking a little creepier and fucking ever now. Like now it's starting to catch up. And I read this stuff and I'm like, I wonder if they went after Cosby, will they go after this fucking guy?

But what he was explaining in his article, the Sun, was the media, the publicist team he has, the publicity team he has gets everything fucking cleaned up. Like he couldn't, the Times didn't want it. The Times didn't believe her. And some other newspaper or some other publication didn't believe her that she had done it. Even though they had proof and they took the lie detector test of a bunch of crazy shit, how he had these people. It's like Cosby's stuff.

You know, people saying we don't believe it. I just can't believe what's happened in this country over the last 20, 30 years. You know, man, I tried really hard in my life not to fucking sell myself. Really fucking hard. In more ways than one. I always worked really fucking hard, you know. And I believe that there's people who make mistakes. You know, like I did, you know, like I made a mistake.

And I believe that there's people who make bigger mistakes, you know. And like I always accepted if somebody didn't want to hang out with me. You know, as a child, when my mother got arrested and one of the artists said about cocaine, I lost 50% of my friends. Just because in the article about your mom that I had mentioned cocaine. Yeah. Just when I would live in North America in the eighth grade, seventh grade, seventh grade the second time. And my mother got arrested.

I lost 50% of my friends downtown. I remember three specifically that one guy that told me to my face. But like a year later, I can't go to your house. My dad read that article. How did that make you feel? Like shit. Like that. I never said nothing to my mother.

I felt like shit about it. But then when I got arrested and I came out in Boulder and 80 fucking seven. Oh my God. You have no idea how many people stopped talking to me when I was out on bail. Would you like walk up to people and they just look the other way or like what would happen? People avoided me that were my friends. People avoided me that I was doing coke with. Like those are the ones that really got me.

I could tell the fucking people who were Gentiles. You know, I'm a feral and I had a machine gun. I understand that I understand. It was the people that I did coke with. I don't know what time it was. They were crazy like me. But there was a couple of people who hung on my friend. My castle stuck by me.

Jim Wheeler stuck by me. I don't know where he is. God bless his soul. If he's dead, I love Jim Wheeler from Detroit, Michigan. There was a couple of people in Boulder who really stuck by me. But for the most part 60% of those people in Boulder ran the other fucking direction. Do you think it's because of what you did or do you think it's just any felony? Like any reason to go into jail?

Well, I think it's both. I think it's just the felony part and also the machine gun, the fucking handcuffs. You know, I think that that people heard that and said this kid's a little fucking crazy. Were you? Yes. But then why did people like Jim Wheeler and Mike Kessler and... There was this fucking guy I met when I was in the halfway house. I used to walk on 28th Street to my apartment or walk to work.

He was a fat jolly guy from England. And I used to talk to him three days a week as I would walk. He'd be outside looking for customers. And we'd talk a little bit. I told him I was in the halfway house and we laughed. Him and I became friends for like 10 years. He never judged me and he was the widest guy ever, but he was English. Him and his wife were white fucking people.

They didn't curse, nothing. I always was amazed and I was always very honest with people right off the bat when I met him. Because I didn't want somebody else to tell him in bolder. I mean, I wouldn't tell him right away, hi, Joe M.D. as I'm a fellow. No, I would get to know him. If they mattered in my life, I'd talk to him about it, you know. Even after I got into beefs with John Ball and my wife, Kathy Ball, like when I was allowed to pick up the baby,

even the widest dude in the world, Joe Koch, from the bagel place in Mississippi, he would pick her up from me. He believed in me. You know, there were so many people that really fucking believed in me, man. But that part of when people get in trouble, how people avoid you, it hurts because you can't believe this, but I don't know if they're doing it to Woody Allen or not. There are obviously some people who have spoken out against it, but the thing is he makes a movie every year.

They do well. They get seen. They'll usually get nominated for like an Oscar or something. So the actors are like, well... We don't give a fuck. Yeah, fuck it. He's not going to do it on the set, but it's a weird... Have you ever been offered a Woody Allen movie or have you ever auditioned?

Oh, yeah, all the time. They call me every two weeks, Woody's doing another one. Would you like to sing and dance in this one? Woody doesn't know I fucking exist, all right? Maybe when I send him a baby picture of me or something, he'll call me the fuck back. I don't fucking know, no. Are you crazy? I don't know.

There's a lot of Jewish people who won't watch any Mel Gibson movie. My mom just won't. So there's a lot of people who have fucked up beliefs. The Red Sox picture of Kurt Schilling just got kicked off of ESPN for being super right-wing. You have to make those decisions, I guess. What did he say to someone about trannies? Kurt Schilling said a whole bunch of messed up shit. He said a bunch of stuff about trannies.

He said stuff about the refugees, I'm pretty sure. He's really right-wing. And they fired on me, ESPN? Yeah. But he's always been fucking crazy, Kurt Schilling. He always talks crazy shit, but he is. Even when he pitched, he did some craziness. I like him.

I really don't know what his fucking views are. Yeah, I know, you like him like me because you don't know what the fuck his views are. Let me get some shout-outs, we'll get the fuck out of here. Newbie Love, Newbie One Love, congrats on the beautiful baby. Cute little baby, Lauren Rosencour, Ethan Buzzard, Paul Eilen, Mia Ray Green, Brady Ferguson, Clinton Cash podcast, Carl Kathlyn, and the One by One podcast with my main man, Mikey. Also, I want to thank my girl, Jeneca Jones. She showed up Thursday night and brought me some lemon cookies and some gorilla fucking dots

and some beautiful scarves. Her and a beautiful husband. My man, Carlos Trujillo, made a little picture for me. I didn't bring it down here till you don't love it. And then this other guy made these fucking sketches for us, Lisa. You and an angel. Oh, is that a panda dude? Is that his Twitter?

I don't know. I didn't find any paperwork in the bag. I'm pretty sure, because he put on an Instagram, right? It's like you and me, he drew, right? And you're on the left hand side, on the right hand side. You have like wings and you're floating. I'll have to check. I think it's on Instagram.

Yeah, it's a great picture. He showed up. It was great Sacramento. That's a great little time. You were telling me before on the walk in here, you were talking about the graduation. What the fuck happened to that? It wasn't just an annoyance. This was the first graduation that I've been to that wasn't mine, really.

I graduated in 2011, so it's been five years. And the whole time was just how great you are. You're going to be amazing. You're on your way. Half of the graduation is like an advertisement for the college to everyone who's not there. It's always like the school has the best faculty in the world. And I was just sitting there like they're lying to these people. They're just like, especially with law school, apparently it's not just graduating and getting a job anymore for a lot of people.

There's people who go unemployed for six, seven years. We've talked about that a while ago about how people have all these expectations, I think, now coming out of high school and college. And I think that's part of where it comes from. I think we're being lied to. I don't know why, but... How many people are graduating altogether? 400. How long was it?

Three hours, I think. Jesus Christ. And here's... It was just a little... I don't know what they used it for, but there was like 200 of them were like international students who got like this like master's of law degree, which isn't like they like from France and like Japan and stuff. So I don't know what they needed for. But that's not that's not the point.

But it was just... Like your your Mercy's gonna, it's gonna be fucked up when Mercy gets to college. Like unless there's a major overhaul, you're gonna have to like start playing piano now. So let me ask you something. The graduation itself, you were saying that it was like a big advertiser. Yeah. What do you mean?

Like it was on a screen, like... No. Come here or just USC law school and all this shit. Well, it was just... Obviously, there was a lot of like signs and stuff, but what I meant was just... And you see, it was at my college graduation. It was at my high school graduation.

Like with all this amazing faculty at the school that we have here. And it just, it was a very odd experience. Just actually like getting to listen to it from having like no connection to it. And I just... I think that's where people get like they don't real pumped up. Like they're gonna go right into the most like there's people buying houses. There's a lot of people my age buying houses now. It scares the shit out of me.

Well, they're buying a house. Obviously, they got the down payment. Obviously, you got the fucking down payment, the money for the car and money for insurance and the loan. So why wouldn't you give them a car? Why wouldn't you give them a house? Obviously, they don't know about a nut. They don't know that you want to be established or maybe they have a mother and a father. It'll back them if something happens to it.

That's also true. That's the fucking other thing. You know, it makes it seem like these guys just going coming out of your age and buying a fucking home with no security. Then they're in for a fucking big surprise. Unless the banks are fucking advertising for that to sink these kids right out of college with a lower interest rate or something. Which I can see them doing, you know, buy a house now. But, you know, don't you have all this debt? Don't you have all this school debt?

How much is a house in fucking USC? $800,000? I doubt they're going to give you a fucking house up there. Yeah, you'd think not. I mean, the average home in California is $500,000. That's it. That's it. I thought I was going to go close to a million.

Wow. I think the average, like you could get a house in Sherman Oaks for half a million dollars. So what is the down payment on the home? Is it 10%? 10%, 20%, 10% is 50 fucking thousand if it's a half a million. And can you get that as a loan or no? No, you have to put that down and closing costs and fees and fucking inspections and fucking pipe inspections and roof inspections. Oh, please.

It's a fucking nightmare. So each house is 315 for the inspection. Let's say you look at eight houses, you already got 20 fucking 600 inspections. Oh, because you have to inspect every house. Yeah. Well, if you buy a fucking Fugazi, the house is about to fall apart. There you are having parties with bitches and deliverables and the ceiling falls down and you get sued by 18 motherfuckers or something. It's a scam.

You know, I feel bad because of the fucking scams. I feel bad. You know, I don't know what the job market is, Lee. I don't know. I get percentages. Who the fuck really knows? Because they don't really have the figures because of the immigration figures. Well, half of these jobs are illegal immigrants at some point or another.

You have to assume if there's people like that. But then there's also whenever they say like the unemployment goes down, there's just a lot of people who just can't claim unemployment anymore. And they just stop looking for work. So it's not like they have jobs. So it's kind of a weird. I just wish that your wife does well. Yeah. That she takes this thing seriously, that she jumps on it.

You know, the first five or six years, it's fucking hell. It's like anything else. But it doesn't matter. She's 24 years old. By the time she gets dirty, she's got everything she needs. She's comfortable. She does it the right way. The loans are paid off.

She's fine. Yeah, in theory, you'd hope so. That's that's it. Six fucking years, the loans should be paid off and the loans won't mean listen. It's like the man said, $6,000 could be a lot of money or it could be a little money. That's all up to you. It really is up to you. That number is up to you at the end of the day.

That's why I never liked. I never liked walking into a job and they said $10 an hour because all I'm going to make a month is 1600 a month. I want options. Give me eight bucks an hour and 10 points on my back end. If I sell fucking more books than Lisa yet. So every month I could grow as an individual. Right. That's what I always want to do is grow.

Okay, this month I only made 1200. Next month I'm going to make 1400. The month after that I'm going to make 1600. Then the month after that I'm going to make 2000. And guess what I'm going to do after that? I'm going to make 3000 a month for the next three months and you make little fucking goals. But for you just to take a job for $10 an hour and that's it. I never understood that.

So now she graduates. I hope that these kids know what the fuck it's hard out there. And you know, you're just not going to send resumes off the fucking because that's what everybody else is doing. It's tough. It's tough all over, man. I get calls every two days from people who can't find acting work. Thank God I don't depend on acting work for a fucking living. Thank because there's no money in any way.

There's never been money in it for me. They don't pay me. So thank fucking God I always had stand up for something else or something else. Who the fuck knows? Let's smoke this bone and get the fuck out of here. How are you feeling? You're not even that high. I'm pretty fucking high.

You don't look that high. You gotta eat another star. I'll take you out of the bowl. I'll take you out of the star. I just want to hang out with Lee tonight. May 15th, May 16th, mid month. We got a guest Wednesday tonight. Me and Lee, we're going to fucking do this and that.

I said, Lee, what the fuck? Let's have a chit chat. Let's reacquain ourselves with the beautiful fucking people listening to the show. We might have something to say. We might not have something to fucking say. Who the fuck gives a shit anymore? You people know where our heart is. Right or wrong, Lisa.

Yeah. What the fuck? You're sitting there like I'm on the look of the air. Give me the sheets there. You're sitting there all fucked up. I had a great time last week in Sacramento. You people were great this week at Pittsburgh. The stars of death are in root right now.

You understand me? There's a UPS driver scratching his head thinking there's a beautiful day that'll be alive. Meanwhile, they're going to stop them and the dogs on the sniffing mountain go there's something in that fucking van. That's your worst nightmare. I got three different packages. You moan me. I sent three different meals.

So I've been waiting for this, I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm trying to figure out my ears or itchy and stuff like that. I'm not waiting for nothing. You know what I'm waiting for? I'm waiting for texture. That's what I'm waiting for. Thanks to pizza. We're all binge eating.

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Seems to kill me. No matter how hard I try. Nothing's closing my eyes. Nothing can beat me down for your pain or delight. No. Nothing's supposed to break me. No matter how far I fall. Nothing can break me at all.

No forgiving of another's fault. I know. I'll give you everything I need. I'll give you everything I want. I'll give you everything that leaves me all alone. I'll give you everything I've got. I'll give you everything I need. I'll burn it down and burn the outside.

I'll burn the outside. I'll burn the outside. Oh my god. Some were hurt. I had to tell her something Don't let the world bring you down Nothing can do me in Before I do myself

So see me for your own And once you can help I'll give her everything I need I'll give her everything I want I'll give her everything that leads me on the ground I'll give her everything I call She blows everything out But I don't even know

The outside world I'll give her everything I call I'll give her everything I call She blows everything out She blows everything out But I don't even know When she blows everything out But the outside world

I'll give her everything I call She blows everything out But the outside world I'll give her everything I call She blows everything out But the outside world I'll give her everything I call She blows everything out

But the outside world The outside world The outside world The outside world The outside world