Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #382 - Jessimae Peluso

Episode Date: May 24, 2016

Jessimae Peluso, Comedian and host of the "Sharp Tongue Podcast" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get $20 off of your first order of wine curated just for you   
Recorded live on 05/23/2016.
    

So what you want to do what you want to do I got a pocket full of run-of-rubbers in my home boys do to So crack out the lights and close the door, but for what we don't know Is that feel good, I gotta put a drop somewhere you tomorrow my you're swollen up This show is brought to you by Club W. That's right Go to clubw.com slash Joey right now to get $20 off of your first order That's Club W.com slash Joey to get $20 off of your first order and it gets even better If you hate paying for shipping Club W understands and will pay for your shipping on orders of four bottles of more If you pay that's right if you get four bottles of more at Club W.com slash Joey

You're gonna get $20 off of your first order and Club W is gonna pay for your shipping Go to on it comm and use covert church to save 10% not to save 10% on all the great optimization products like alpha brain new moods from taking me in a trim tech sport Oh shit Give me some bubblegum in this motherfucker. It's Monday May 22nd or something like that Washing pussy scrub your feet Jesus is coming to town Yeah But oh shit

They ain't leaving till six in the morning so what you want to do The church of what's happening now what we don't love them holes. Yeah G's up holds down with your motherfuckers. What this is it motherfuckers kick that mule Lay back Take that pipe out bitches It's that time the church of what's happened now you bad motherfuckers It's a beautiful Monday night to be alive Jess. I'm a paluso in Studio my favorite fucking Jewish person the world Lisa. Yeah, hey

Mushrooms edibles. We don't give a fuck here on the church What's the story? Jeze may talk to me? I'm just looking at how fresh and green this shit looks This tremendous reef. It looks like like a golf like a golf course. Yeah, no This is some tremendous motherfucking weed one thing here. I take my weed seriously Yeah, what you said you stopped over where perennial. Oh, that's right perennial Perennial got some good at the top shelf shit. I go in there the two top shelf is they give you tea in the glass tubes Yeah, they have everything else and they have everything else. They got a nice weed that go there I go to Sunset herbal. They got some fucking good-looking reefer that dog. Oh, yeah. Oh my god

I took some girl scout thin mint cookies oh Love edibles. No, no, no, this was reefer. Oh, shit. That was fucking dark and oh it's called thin girl scout Yeah, I'm like, I love cooking Fucking exclusive that's kicking that you fucking around over there. I love I do love edibles. Oh, you like edibles Come on. I live my main my little name is fucking edibles. Is it your brunch? Yeah, I got a brownie here I don't know how old it is. I don't fuck you up It'll take you into the next dimension. It's amazing the the edible

What's happened with edibles like how many fucking people come up to me and they go, you know what I stopped smoking? Yeah, saving my lungs. I'm just gonna fucking eat edibles. It took me a while to get adjusted to him You know because it give you a weird feeling it creeps up on you. Yeah, it's like a fuzzy feeling I like it's like someone just asked me someone said they were new to edible to was to marijuana And they said well, what strains do you smoke and I said honestly just start just do edibles I per I love it. I like it way better unless it's like I want to be high for 30 minutes Yeah, and edibles like that high is a full body Full body high it fucks you up for a while. It fucks you up this time as I catch myself in the living room

I'm fucking Hammond hammer and my wife knows I'm fucking Hammond in the living room like point the drooling Like she's telling me Joe go to bed Joe go to bed It feels good though, and you wake up in the middle of night you still have it That's the fucking clinker sometimes you wake up middle of the night. What about the next morning? The next morning and you're and for me it doesn't hit right away like I like if I'm in bed I'm okay, but then as soon as I start walking around. I'm like you feel it that much I heard you even sound fucked up till about 10 or 11 I could tell like we do like eight nine hundred milligrams Because you have to sweat it out the next day

It's like yeah, it's like eating a valium in the old days somebody go eat a 10 milligram value either Valium The next day and a half you're sluggish. Yeah, because it's time release So it sits in your fat like a lot of times I'll eat a Valium at night, and I'll go to bed at 3 I'll wake up at 8 on the road Go eat breakfast go eat the hotel breakfast smoke a joint go on a computer and pass out at 10 Yeah, I'm still off the fumes You still got some Resonated stuff. Don't you kick that motherfucking coffee in there with a little tuturutes? It lifts that fucking

Rifa right back to where it is I was high in the plane like two days ago because I had an edible a night before to help me go to sleep and just chill and On the flight. I was messed up, man I was this lady I Traveled with my dogs right and I sat down at the bar in the hotel I was coming from where the fuck was I in North Carolina So you at the helium in North Carolina? No, no, it was at the it was at Comedy Zone North Carolina Comedy Zone Great club. Great club. Yeah, they want you but they've been asking for you. Yeah

And I was sitting at the airport bar and this lady made me sit at the at the disabled chairs because I had my dog with me I was like it's an emotional support pet. She's you got to sit in the handicapped She made me sit in the handicapped chairs and I was high off these edibles like yo my handicap right now She made me change your seat. She made me change my and it was an adult four feet lower than the bar stools So I literally got sat the fucking kids table at the bar in Ordered a big-ass beer and some oysters like a goddamn lady Sitting at the disabled person's chair. Just cuz you had a dog. Just cuz I had a dog When my disabled persons have a dog get that fucked up at airports now again

We I tell you Chicago scared the shit out of me the other day guys. Why I'm not swarming but something's gonna happen in Chicago Why do you think that I tell you why because for some reason they've been showing those TSA lines How they've been letting people spend the night. Okay, that's number one. I don't like that There's not people spend the night there were two hour lines So they're telling people now if you're flying to Chicago and big airports three hours I might as well not fly I could walk there the three in the full flight in the fucking hour to land and get my luggage Get the taxi ten hours. It's ten fucking hours. If I start walking. I might beat it. So Do you have that fluent to Chicago to connect into Pittsburgh? And I noticed something I haven't I fly a lot through Kennedy

Yeah, I fly a lot to Chicago and I can make this assessment Chicago was fucking bad. Which one Oh, here I'm at way And it's never good it needs to be good when it's packed, but it never is I don't like it I didn't like it back to the amount that Every food place. I mean, I had a walk like you know when you go to Chicago, you better be in shape that airport is Shit it was an artery So I landed at 11 and my flight was boarding at 11 35 and As I would walked in I got there look like five minutes earlier. Let us off the plane

I walked 30 minutes straight. I didn't stop to eat. I didn't stop to pee I walked 30 minutes fucking straight to the tour you had to go where I had to go I was getting there going we're boarding in three minutes. I cut right through the fucking line and got in the plane But I noticed how packed the airport and where there are a lot of Cancellations or this is just fucking oh, here Brother, this is O'Hara Thursday. It's chaotic there, but this was more than chaotic There was a line at the Italian restaurant. I've been going to Chicago hair for 12 years I saw a fucking line at McDonald's now you go Joey. Yeah, no, no, no

This wasn't a lot. This is people that couldn't get food anywhere else. Yes. Yes. This was the star box I was down the block it was super packed guys was it like Burger King in LA Do you know that Burger King with like Jeb Blue and Virgin? Yeah, it's always like a way down. It was that bad? It was bad. It was bad bad bad. That's not good. That's not good in the TSA You know like last year 95% of shit got through 95% of them testing the TSA security got last week had a bag of weed in my fucking carrier What was happening was I had two or three different weeds I'm rolling joints over here and one of the baggies fell off into my fucking carry-on bag

I put my computer over it. I walked through the fucking thing. No better yet. They took my sleep apnea machine out Checked it for fucking illegal fuels, but they left the weed in there The vapor pen. Yeah, the lighter. Yes. They did because they tell you no light is no vapor pens You can't bring a lighter on no and the vapor pens they look like regular pens So they're so stupid they just take the pens out and look at them and don't even ask you I think all they look for is water bottles because that way every time I get something like that I'll get stopped look toothpaste or forever get like that. I'll get stopped, but you're not you you travel every week with stuff Right, I don't check

I don't want to bring my look at the worst habit we got is bringing shit on a fucking plane Because at the end of the week, they're gonna make you check it out the fucking thing anyway Yeah, they make a check they're gonna make you check it anyway. So stop stop Yeah, they see it's smarter because you check out at the gate and it's free But then you got to wait for your luggage when you come back But who gives a fuck you're sitting in coach by the time you you get in there your fucking luggage is red Yeah, so at least if you check it, but these people that bring that luggage in for what for what? I know what to take up fucking space. Yeah, what what do you unless you're gonna see a dog?

I always got upgrades the first class especially after the last three years of Justin. Hello, so I can't board the front plane first. Yeah, me too, brother. Fuck what's going on by lady with the kids I don't give a fuck what's going on. I bought that plane first comfortable and I always sit in 1d You walk in that seat that you see that's where I see that little compartment. That's mine Don't touch it. You don't need to touch it. You don't put your luggage in there. Listen to me Yeah, that's a three thousand dollar sleep at the machine and they touch that mother fucking embrace I will break your fucking head. Don't touch that fucking thing Well, yeah, I don't give a fuck. What are they saying that to people? Yeah, I tell them one

There's no reason to touch that luggage That's a little luggage for a little compartment. Yeah, they look at me all week. You know what I did my homework and I got on the plane first Yeah, so now I don't get like somebody came on yesterday. I got no compartment. She looked at me I'm like that. I don't know nothing. I just kept looking straight ahead. You ain't putting your shit in there I put a fucking blanket over it. So it looked like there was more shit in there Yeah, that bitch had to put a shit in the back. Fuck it. This is what happened. You want to be first class in there? Get the fuck to the plane first. I checked that boarding time that boarding time is my fucking Bible Yeah, and everything around that boarding time is is fucking it last week. I went to LAX

My plane leaves at five my boarding time is at 430 Lee How much do I love the hamburgers with the egg and the fucking fries? You're a big fan of them the guy told me to put the order in at 420 be in at 430. I sacrificed I didn't eat that fucking burger with the egg on it because I wanted my seat first. So there's no BS Understand, yeah, I love traveling with you because like I don't I don't get upgraded because I don't go I don't travel that often But like he just takes me into the lines. You're like just what are they gonna say? It's the attitude you have to have that attitude Yeah, the attitude and then he just he starts sweet talking the like the TSA little pre ones like the ones who were checking your ID before he

Just oh, it's it's torment. You do. What do you do? What's happened? You're looking good today. What's going on? You just bullshit you do a little charm. Yeah, fuck you. You gotta talk to them because everybody treats only strangers Yeah, so you talk to them a little bit and they loosen up and talk to you. Yeah, listen not everybody's gonna talk to you Nobody's gonna appreciate your sense of humor, but at that time in the morning, you gotta give it a shot I told you know who likes shit who likes black chicks the chicks like the compliments I work them all the time. I'd call them Beyonce you bad motherfucker. You look at you. I should take you with me the LA LA I've never been to LA. Yeah, come on. Let's go. I mean why you got fucking 10 bombs of the kid in suitcase And you do this you can get in the bed in the preferred line

You got some kid yelling and screaming in your suitcase, and they don't hear nothing because you just talking to them You got some kid in your carry-on. Yeah, who gives a fuck they're talking to you shit You know when you fly you have to fly as is you have to assume as you have a million dollars in your pocket If you see a dog when I see dog and I have weed I walk up to the dog You do yeah, because even if the dog barks at me, they're not gonna believe it I was a drug offender would walk away from the dog. I walk towards the fucking dog Yeah, that's not a smoke 15 joints over so quick. Oh god Meanwhile, you got ten joints in your fucking carry-on bag. You know I'm saying I always have a joint in my check luggage

I usually do right in the top with a fucking lighter. So when I get the parking or the cars warming up I'm too to the joint Chinese people pull up. Are you leaving not really? Chinese people always pull up a fucking lax. Are you leaving that do I look like I'm fucking leaving? I'm here smoking in the Sun like Ozzy Osbourne in 69 and you want to know if I'm fucking leaving Has anyone ever stolen it like any TSA people never put in the top compartment with band-aids There's a bunch of shit in there, and I flipped the joint underneath got tuck it in I talk to them on the fucker in you can't find it unless you fucking watch it takes a thief 1969 with Robert Wagner

You can't find it. You can't find it You have that smooth placement and then I have the lighter in the thing so if they find the light I'll say you saw me not to fly with lighters So when I get off the thing the first thing I do I'm on the elevator going up the stairs to routine the floor number three Is I unzip it boom and there's my little pin joint I take the ladder out I cool when I get off the airplane when I get off the fucking elevator click click I click the alarm in the car. I walk through it I start the car I put my luggage in and right while I'm out there now that's how I take my dick out and I pee

I leave the door, but I may believe I'm help put my luggage and help get in here But meanwhile the whole time I'm peeing on the guy's car next to me. I close the door. I like that fucking tuturutes and Chinese people start pulling up. Are you leaving girl? I'm leaving Chinese people always look no wait, too Make them wait for a lot like a Sudoku and wait pull them pull over there And I'm gonna leave you in about 18 minutes and don't wait like the entire time He's both the joint my parking is classic seat because I park at four in the morning on Thursday to get front I'm ten feet from the fucking elevator Like a doc you leave your car there out the whole time around right there right then

What does it matter? Yeah, it doesn't matter does it matter? At the end of the week You're right. You're right. So 80 and 80 is 160 the parking is 109. Oh my god, right in the fucking terminal cross Are you serious one with the bus with the spots on it? And I got to wait with a bunch of immigrants and get out of the thing the guy's got a turbine I don't know if he's gonna blow up the fucking bus when I wait for this fucking gamut and then you gotta go Yeah, and they did you watch do you want to watch the cut listen? I want my car with pigeon shit, okay? Give me a fucking car. I just wanna get home little play for eight hours

My hemorrhoid blew up and you wanna know if I want to watch my car. I parked right for terminal four is American terminal six is Delta. Yeah terminal three is Virgin American their terminal one is Southwest That's it. That's all you need to know. That's all you need to know I do Delta if you fly out if you land at that airport after six you'll be driving around like a fucking idiot looking for parking So if your flights are fucking five You got to be there at four. I'm lurking at 24. No one's there. Nobody's there. You're gonna change away. I travel You pull right in does that sound happen? No Listen to me you piss again, and you cross the street under that tunnel. There's nobody there. You can run across the street with the light green

I'm gonna do that nobody there you get on the escalator takes you right no bullshit No bullshit boom you go in first class boom you take it you turn around. There's a black lady who looks like Barry white That's me go up to home. You go. What's happening? You sexy motherfucker. What's up darling? I boom right upstairs pre TSA They know I'm a fucking fiend. They know I'm a felon when I fly down there boys I don't get to pre TSA, but I like X pre TSA and open up to I got that don't open up to 20 after four though I Can bullshit but if you have a 5 a.m. Flight you got 10 minutes But though you're still gonna the other one and you still get to your terminal by 415 now

They got a place over lax. It's not open for fucking the burgers are not open That's the only place I eat from the burger is it 5 a.m. Oh my god with the egg The burger with the egg and steak. I think I know what you're talking about I That's the only place but when you fly to southwest and lax terminal With the bar the margaritas the whole fucking thing you margarita no, but I sit next to the person drinking the margaritas I look important. I'm not an asshole Delta's got a spot where I always see Mazda brought

And that's the place that you go through and they got oatmeal and they got they have the whole thing They got the juices and watermelon Apple watermelon That's a good one. That's a good one Healthy Yeah, healthy healthy and you drop the small 20 But you don't have to eat that shit on the plane. You don't have to touch a peanut Okay, that's plain food man

You drop the small 20 like a gentleman and you have to do nothing after that you get the ball oatmeal Oh, we'll always hold you long and anything else and you get a lax with a bagel Yeah, right there with a watermelon juice Bam who's better than you Lisa? Yeah, maybe if you guys ever gotten caught with the weed or no never don't jinx us right? allegedly Allegedly, what would you do if what if you got caught with a we shut my mouth and let them fucking say whatever they had to say And I move on with my life They bust my balls, but the medical man won a license. I tell him I'm hearing voices

You know, you gotta learn how to work the airport like what I went with Ari one time when you fly to Canada Kennedy's got a stupid thing Canada go what times your flight miss Paluso six a.m. We're not letting you through But the airport said An hour before yeah, but we're not letting you through There's people that are flying out of the court of the six that are more important than you So I'll leave you behind the same That's when I walk up to the lady they go listen. I Got high blood pressure

Got HIV you just got HIV and high blood pressure everything just a dropping disease. I got anal warts. I got anal warts I got a foot Ricketts Ricketts scurvy scurvy Lupus Lupus just drop dropping and start name drop happens and go. I'll pass out right here in the line They will fucking treat you Like you a gold because that's the last thing they want Especially black people they're lazy. They don't want to You see a black motherfucker black people don't give other people mouth-to-mouth You'll never see a picture of a black person give him mouth-to-mouth. They don't believe it

I don't believe it either if you're choking fuck. I don't know you I don't know How many dicks you suck last night? I'm gonna be able to save your life for that I got herpes the same in a life. You know I'm saying fuck you You're not worth the herpes next you know, I'm getting the metal with a saw on my lip You know I'm saying yeah male won't shake my hand Yeah, so fuck that noise. I'm not I'm not black people will not give nobody mouth-to-mouth I've seen it. I've seen people dying for the black people. They just sit they go my lord. That's it That's all they do. They don't give a fuck about mouth-to-mouth

Take a survey amongst black people behind closed doors with no face and see what they say fuck that noise I ain't sticking my tongue in some motherfuckers mouth to save his damn life Especially if you just eating some like busted sandwich before and that's crumble crumbs are all in his mouth We're gonna I choked him in Vegas with Lisa. I had I got high and they the whole prawns from the fucking shrimp Oh my god I Started getting anxiety. I was seeing stars. I really came out. Yeah, did you cough it up? Yeah, I had to do the hum like you did. Yeah. Yeah, you knew how to do the high like you came back

Who don't know how to do the hem like you gotta be retarded I feel like I break a rib give me some credit at least my little ass noodle arms. I'd crack a rib on accident Oh, who gives a fuck at least you save a life. You saved his life. Yes. How have you repaid him? That's my love of them all these edibles Mushrooms and shit. Yeah, I said, what if you put the prawn there on purpose so that you could be the hero I think he did I'm Jewish. I'm put a prawn there It's actually interesting that you brought it up because I was thinking today like someone's complaining about their boring job And I was thinking about it. I haven't been bored at work in

What three years now four years however long I've been doing this full-time you've never been born fuck no Why would I be bored here? No, and it's like It's crazy how Like it it kill almost it's almost like depression when you're bored like for eight and nine ten hours a day Like how is it like it got me so fucking depressed I was like you I mean you guys get to go Hey, look we were are not complaining, but there's there's always shitty parts about every job, but I don't think you're ever Don't think Joey's ever born on stage. I'm not really but I never get bored. Here's the problem. There's stress again if we let

Looker if the IRS comes to you tomorrow and says you owe me $200,000 Then you call your agent you go, you know what? I'm on the road every fucking week. Yeah And two things are gonna happen. You're gonna improve but you're gonna Get sick, you know, you're irritable. You'll get irritable when once you pay the IRS You'll never work comedy again. You'll be so burnt out. Yep. I like to work and I'll tell you You have no idea how fortunate we are to do what we do if you really break it down If you really if you get up at six in the morning and just go to a 7-eleven

And just sit there get coffee and sit in your car and smoke a joint You'll see how lucky we are. Yeah that we doing what we doing Okay, whether it's your dream or not because there's people that really are busting their ass for no money No money and it breaks your heart, but you made a decision and you suffered also I I lived in a car, you know, I had warrants. I couldn't pick up the phone because I know with everybody I go to comedy clubs. They go somebody coffee. I knew was a collector because they look at web pages now You know, they'll look at a web page. I had a friend that was wanted by the IRS By the time he got to every club his money, but they already told him you ever

They wanted me to tell him what I was paying you and they already took the money out. Oh my god That's just they don't fuck around in comedy. It does not fuck around. There's no insurance people on the road There's really nothing so the tide flips or one day you're You have the ability, you know, you're not gonna have it for long In comedy, you don't have that big window for long That's why you have to do all the opportunities for some people could be seven years for some people to be three years It depends on the depth of your comedy and how good you are as a comedian How you're able to adapt and there's just so many fucking variables

But I know this when I I did an eight-week or last year That by the end you're a different person. You're a different but you want to you you look at stand up in a different way And I always tell this to people that I Wish I never made a doll of doing this like if I had another chance to do this The best advice is somebody who came up to me and said listen do me a favor Don't think about that shit Keep coming down here every week. Do you attend spots about that? Well MCU and if you definitely don't want to leave another that shit. This becomes more fun for you

Yeah, you know, there was I had fun in 1982 and 1981 1980 drugs and giggling and robbing people with my friends in north bergen 1183 and I I Didn't have fun again for a long time and this time's now when I'm like look how bored of a life I live but if I really look at my life, I Look at that time I spent in Seattle and Denver, you know Denver not as much because Like I've thrown out of Denver that comedy scene why because I had a Denver at the time was very limited and The comics worked a certain amount of work

Anybody who worked out of that loop They really didn't like wow like a certain room or what are you so in those days you work triple runs? You work the guy out of that of Dallas is one nighters You work Kansas City, Stanford and you worked the four clubs in Denver. You worked There was rooms you worked if you work like the funny one in Idaho of San Francisco, you were considered weird They had their own little circle and then at the comedy works. I got accused of sexual harassment From some girl that jumped on me and I went to grab her and the manager saw me grab her ass Which when she jumped on me I grabbed her right because she landed. I mean right you go to the comedy works

It's not a slantly. It's little stairs. So she ran down and goes. Oh look who it is and she jumped I knew the girl. I knew the girl. Well But the manager contacted the next day the manager of me were at the same point of comedy we were getting star spots The manager is doing stand-up. Yeah, like the assistant manager and he called her the next day and said I think you should press charges She contacted an attorney, but there was no charges to press nothing. I mean the girl was my friend She even called me after when apologized. She felt bad, but she goes the guy made her do it And at that time, you know what I was looking to leave so it was an excuse. So it was perfect But my time in Seattle that 18 months, you know, I got arrested five times

It's good ratio. That's good. Oh my god, even though I got arrested five times And I spent maybe six weeks seven weeks in jail in the county King County jail. It was one of the most My fucking knees it was one of the Compared to how I grew up and where I grew up This was one of the most enjoyable times of my life even though I lived in an office. I took showers at the gym They had a at the end of the office to have a window like that a bathroom like this. Yeah No, no, they didn't even have a bathroom. They had one that washes your hands, but they would lock it at night

So at night I have to pee out my window and shit out my window if I wanted to shit I don't know stick my ass out the window like this and put the window on my back So I wouldn't fall backwards fucking tremendous You can't write you shit out of a window shit on the wind in an office In an office and wipe my ass and throw the toilet paper off the window in the bucket and then take it to the bathroom Unbelievable very like you get your acrobatic. This is this was It was amazing. Just anyone come up to your office and be like someone's shitting outside. No, yeah Nothing, who knows? Who knows two floors and this you do

Never go down and see like shit streaks on the window. I looked through the window one time It was like you can see where all the shit Dehydrating it was like skeletons or shit Skeletons a shit yard with they can't all be If I wipe my ass there was a big chunk of shit I throw it out the window But if it was just a little bit of shit, I throw it in the waste paper basket It's just a hard way to live but you ever shard out the window and like just spray at the building No, no, no was all shits there and peas. I puke from doing coke in that office. I had a table

With a blanket on the floor and I slept on the blanket on the floor and under the table was my luggage That was it. That was it. I had a 1-800 number. So people could call me. I ran a sports betting and Had a regular phone that I could call out with long distance That's it. There was no pictures on the wall doing comedy then and I was doing comedy two blocks away at the underground and downstairs Josh Wolf ran the bar Lobo local Brody Stevens was living up there with his mother. Oh my god. Yeah, so it was a fun pack But one of my highlight memories was doing the mariner the Seattle comedy competition and Sunday getting free tickets to a

Seattle Seahawk game. Yeah, I forget again, too But here's 15 comics that have been competing against each other Now we're all sitting together smoking pot eating hot dogs talking shit And I remember sitting there making a note that no matter what happens with comedy At least I got this from comedy at one time in my life, you know, it's so much fun that camaraderie It's important to remember those little ass moments, man All that shit's so fleeting, you know, it's it's especially Now it's like everything's so fast everything goes so fast because news is constantly being shoved in our face of social media

And all this updating and posting it feels like moments are going by faster than they did before doesn't it? Well, when you get older, I mean, listen, it was Christmas Yeah, two weeks ago, right? It was fucking goes by so fucking fast and especially a bit kid Everything's in like these little digestible moments. It's important to hang on to those like times when you Feel that it's the best Well between you and I have held on to good times Or in my mind that haven't been many like I in my mind But I also hold on to bad times, so I knew how good the good times tasted

You know perspective the good times tasted fucking good Yeah, sometimes you work a club or something they put you in this big hotel room Yeah, and you lay on the bed and Lee comes up and says look at this place and when Lee leaves I go, you know Yeah, look at this place But I wish Lisa would have seen the place I lived in the office. Yeah more so we would have seen when I lived in Boulder and started comedy or When I fucking lived in a car on Sunset and I'd have to move it because it's not at 4 a.m. Yeah, oh it so he's had a park on those side streets on Sunset Boulevard You think of those times and even in that fucking car used to have great times

I would jerk off in that car right on Sunset right on the side of Vista there Good for you. I do coke jerk off in the car people would pass by I'd make believe I was sleeping and shit I'd have the car running with the air on the sunroof opens like a look at the stars crazy So when you have those good times you think of those times in the car And you need that shit I think of a time in Idaho when I was coming home from a midnight triple run And I fucking was drinking mountain deuce. Oh God and inhaling fucking no zone. No, no, no, no, no does that shit

Almost give me a heart attack Holy shit, I got pulled over in New Mexico. I was doing 90 in a station wagon from no does no does in the What's the what's the gnaws like the grapefruit energy drink whatever that is The cop asked if I had military training and I was chubby that I was now and fucking Fucking the station line. I was like, no, why do you ask if you have military training because I was shaking Don't make your heart explode that shit's terrible Cuz the idiot that I was I wouldn't get like a nice light breakfast to drive across the country I got like fucking make muffins or something. So 20 minutes into the drive

I was falling asleep. So I'd always stop and get like the no-dose and the the gnaws and I was apparently just going He's like people usually calm down after a certain point I have dance do you any military back? I was like, no, but you were shaking because of the caffeine and you were scared I thought I thought about running because I was I had planned That I could have gotten far on that I think I could have because I planned to the next exit I was gonna stop to get for lunch and I saw him He was right in the middle like in like the middle of nowhere the highways don't even have like rails

They just have like a ditch. Yeah, so he's in the ditch and I as soon as I passed him. I was like fuck But he had to turn around and there's an exit right there. I was like, maybe I'll take the exit But then I was just yeah, I don't want to go to jail for Trying to run into you know, I didn't I got pulled over once I was going I was like 75 and a 50 and the dude pulled me over and Before he could ask for my he's used like license of registration I was like, I'm gonna get it for you But I just want you to know I just got my period and it bled through his seat

My dad's gonna kill me because it was like tan seats. I was like my dad's gonna kill me Sicilian He likes to keep the car nice and men, you know, I'm gonna get yelled at when I get home So I was just pulling off to get a tampon. That's why I was going so fast and he just looked at me So disgusted. He was like, just go just get out of my face Yeah, cuz he doesn't want to fuck now. He was like what fucking pervert, you know what? Let me smell the suits. Let me smell the seats. You fucking Smell that band-aid No, where'd you start comedy or you got into the girl code first break it down for me

I where you from originally at Syracuse, New York by the mall. Yeah by the mall I used to do wise guys Back in the day. We're Bruno Sharifa. Fuck Bruno who would do your jokes the week later This guy was it was a POW. I tell ya Piece of work and Joe. Yeah, the lion. Yes So Bruno owned the club and Joe the lion was the house emcee magician. Yes, and that club was brutal Rue

Down with town you wake up on Saturday. Oh Nothing nothing Nothing ghost town nothing these and I had like a history in Syracuse Is it why well known to love magicians? Because no, I had What happened was What happened was that I Went to Bruno Sharifa. I just got here in LA in 98

And the guy I was with Books me wise guys. Yeah, Bruno Sharifa. I go up there Fucking ripped the week apart the headline is complaining. It's a B room. Yeah, the comedy story night going 20 It's not even fair. Yeah, the feature canceled. So he asked me was just want to spend the week. I Said fuck it. So he takes me to his house. This is when he was still married. He feeds me I mean his wife his kids great Italian family to lion or Bruno. This is Bruno. He's a black belt and pike one dough He's got a fucking karate studio by that point. I was 350 pounds 325 and he would take me to karate. He would try to teach me how to eat, right?

So wait, had you been losing weight? No, Bruno's like you gotta stop this lifestyle. Oh, it's way before he's like You gotta stop drinking fruit juice and sodas. He goes I watch you drink a gallon of pineapple juice The other night my bar Pruna was a solid dude, but then he got in trouble for robin money from the casino. Yeah, Tuesday nights and then The club clothes and then the line took it over But when by the time the line took it over it was called Viva debris. Yes, Viva debris Oh my god, I remember that when I was a kid Viva fucking debris and he was a magician and he was in reality Joe DeLine was one of the best magicians in the world. That's what people don't realize

But here's what gets scarier guys and you're hearing this from me Sometimes you go and there's a magician opening up for a good headline or something and the magician does corny jokes and Fucking grandparents laugh and whatever. Yeah In reality, Joe DeLine was a killer comedian He was such a killer that he couldn't get him features Because to save money when he first opened the bar, he goes, I'm just gonna house MC do some magic tricks He was doing magic at the bar. Yeah before the show started and then he'd take you in the back And then he'd do the magic, you know, and then he bring up a feature the reputation

He was so strong off the jump that he couldn't get features features were fucking hating life Was it the same material or was it new all the time? Yeah, he was he was a 20-year comedian Fucking nine hours fucking killer. He's been working. His parents got sick. He wanted to take care of me took the MC hosting John So when the club reopened Bruno was gone with his wife, but he was banging this lady who had a long care service Shadow a lot like she yeah, and she was divorced, but the husband was rich He run off on a 20-year-old and paid this bitch just paid that bitch off like you want three million

I'll give you four Take that's what I'm looking for take the kids. I don't want to see the ugly fucking kids They're your side of the family anyway. They're half of facts. That's what I got. I wish I was lying to you Whatever she wanted he goes here. I'll give you a million more. Oh What a fucking spain to fuck this little 20 year-old in the ass the sale of the fuck the kids So Bruno's banging this check and I would go up then do two weeks at a time Yeah, so in those three days and selling at the hotel Bruno would talk her into me staying at the house And she was great the lady. I got along great with she smoked up

Yeah, she had a dealer down the corner some little neighborhood in Syracuse right there real nice house Nowhere and she had Loma when I ended up working for us for those days. I was in Syracuse I would work in the daytime make a hundred bucks a day moving rocks and moans. Yeah, you know me though You gotta put two and two together. I got a coke habit. Yeah, you gotta get up. It's expensive Yeah, it's expensive. You gotta go to work house support So I didn't give a fuck for me if I went to Rochester Buffalo Syracuse any of those neighborhoods. I lived at that ladies house. I played with the kids I hung out her and I would smoke dope and I then her and Bruno broke up

And I'm in the middle now and she liked to suck dick so that he would ask me how she sucked your dick yet I would go no But she would wake me up every morning and I would like some mornings. I'd have like hard on and go All right this morning. I'm gonna let us suck my dick. I never had the heart to I like that too much Yeah, you know, she would get drunk and we talk dirty to each other But I never did I never pulled the trigger on it. I just kept working and then guess what I came back to LA I used to do those six-month road trips. This is 99 when you went out and do do the road Yeah, because there was I had a follow Nick de Palo one night and stand

And I died at the improv in one of those nine 15 spots. Yeah, I died I realized how bad I was so I would do six-month chunks on the road Six months at a time send clothes home. Yeah hit a war month by a whole new fucking wardrobe 3250 That's the way to do it It's that box is home every week every two weeks book those jeans Well, we were talking before the show about like coming back of Monday and having to leave Tuesday at a certain point What's the but why even have an apartment? That's the hardest thing for me have like the past two years have an apartment. I you know, it's like so fucking

Painful to pay that check Every month you gotta find a friend who's got a spare bedroom. I'll give it to you for a deuce of three bills Yeah, yeah, he could bet see but then you don't want it You know because you're with people all weekend But then you get there and he rented to somebody else now your panties are getting won by a man I don't mind that part. No the fucking the pillow smells like ass that already have so you have to You have to choose the life you want. It's nice to have your own space, you know People always say are you on tour? I don't know what the fuck the tour is. I'm on the road this week

I don't know about no fucking door. Yeah, but my life right now I would love to do a three-monther and just get it over for the whole year. Yeah, but I miss I'd miss my wife Yeah, I got mystic. That's too much. That's too much. That's not the way to raise a child if I was 28 36 I could do it and snort blow and eat fried food at the bar. I did it for years It's too much though, man. I'd like to come home for me It's like you got to find that balance when you're on the road You got you have to have a home man. Don't you think for your own sanity? Just a place where you can go and think the thoughts you need to say on stage

Well, when you first get into comedy you want to get immersed in it So you want to live with four guys. Yeah, you want to do all that bullshit that do comedy. Yeah They're all hustling to get you a job. Yeah, you all work at the same restaurant. Yeah, that's part of the experience That's part of your book when you hit it big. Yeah But then it comes the time when you move on and you know you live with your boyfriend now That's different. He doesn't do comedy, right? So you're right at night and he works days That's a different part of the relationship that there's so many fucking levels of comedy. Yeah, and if you want to be good It's the same thing if you want to be good at a good carpenter. I come on board with your dad

I think your dad's a construction due to the Syracuse and come on boy with your dad after the first year I'm getting good at it and I'll go fuck it. I work weekends. I Run a corona weekend and learn this and you do that for four years. You become a really good carpenter Yeah, or a mason or a fucking chef If somebody says yeah, I have weekend work for you and you really love cooking and you really want to learn to trade It's not weekend work. No, it's not. It's just another fucking day at the zoo So yeah, your first eight nine years of comedy your love and so and your passion should be so much So it's just and that's what it was for me. It was that weight for me

For about 12 and a half years dirt once it got the LA got real. Yeah That's a little too real. That's how I that's how I felt when I got here a little too quick It's different and that knocks the wig off a lot of people. It's very understandable a lot of people come to LA do a couple sets and go This ain't for me. Yeah, I love it. Is it the clubs? Is it the town itself or everything's different from LA? Comedy is different from comedy anywhere else in the country. It's a totally different Your approach to it has to be completely different. There's no laziness. There's no room for laziness. Don't you think so? I I know so I know many of people I could count 10. I'm thinking about them right now I know guys that came rented apartments and took off after two weeks

Made up some story never came back my uncle my dad None of them really said to you. I don't really like it or I really can't have I Can name 10 people I can name Four people who lasted less than a month that I know of since 1997 And I can name 50 people who have left Yeah, and people who had talent. I'm not talking about people came out that weren't even at that point I'm talking about people who you saw at the store Do you saw it auditions?

People who you saw at different comedy clubs and one day You're working fucking St. Louis and they contact you on Facebook And because your life is Filled with faces you forget. Yeah, bro. Where the fuck? Oh my god, and they'll tell you what happened. You call them up What happened? What are you doing here? Oh, I got stuck here You know LA man, I mean the girl broke up and I had no apartment and you hear it in the voice that that it broke Because you have to maintain a high level of bullshit You know, I'm not even a comedian and just driving down in Burbank the other day

And there's billboards everywhere and you're driving past Disney and it's every conversation You have is about it and every conversation you hear even if you just go to be quiet every conversation You hear is about this meeting or whatever. I It's kind of cliche. Let's to say it But there's a different feeling in it for in LA even for me. So I can't imagine having to perform It feels like You can go out and when I the way I approach it is I go out and in my mind I'm like anything can happen tonight in LA and I felt that way when I was in New York was in New York for almost nine years

You know, I always wanted to perform in a way That I would be tired when I got off stage or sweating or my heart was still racing because the Jesse May 11 years ago or 12 years ago whenever I started would have done that. So why would I change that approach? I don't think it's you know, when I see comedians being lazy and taking, you know shortcuts It really irks me because like you said, we're very fortunate to be able to do this to be able to make a living at it Fucking forget about it. How many people make a living doing stand-up? Very fucking few and how many people are out there trying to do it a shitload

So to me laziness, there's no room for it last Thursday was my true test Last Thursday was the fourth week in a row. No, I did four out of five And last Thursday, I had to get up at 230 to be at the airport by four Flight we're leaving at five. There was a lunchtime flight that I looked at the day before I Did get so fucking fanatical about it. I Looked at the lunchtime flight the day before and I said, I'll get there at 730. I'll make the show I would never do something like that to a club on and on myself. That's a horrible stress to put yourself under I

Still remember that alarm going on for two thirty in the morning last one Thursday And my wife didn't sleep with me because she don't want me to wake her up in the middle night So she blows up a fucking air mattress and sleep in the baby's room with the baby I remember opening the door and they were one inch from each other Their faces and they were looking at each other and they fell asleep like playing like looking at each other Do you have any idea? How hard it is to leave that like not to say are you fucking kidding me? I'm gonna do what and I got on the one-on-one and there was bumping a bumper traffic one way I

Shot off that motherfucker cold water and I did name the all the way the fucking supporter with a 405 I shot down. I made it to the airport at ten the fucking four. I walked inside the airport I couldn't believe 10 the fucking four But it's so hard to leave that like right there I'm like I'm going what Pittsburgh I'm leaving this Pittsburgh I made my wife sleep on the floor to go to Pittsburgh at this level at this level that my wife just said Well, I can sleep on the couch. Ah, she blew up to a mattress my wife didn't mind, but I still remember being a criminal Full-time I

Did a six-year fucking run. I'm just pee the steel from ball. Yeah, and if you don't have it by Friday Somebody's getting robbed. Yeah, someone's gonna finger Mary Somebody's gonna fucking get robbed. I'll never forget going to Colorado and leaving and The first six weeks I was in Colorado. I pretty much slept Because all those years my stress level was at such a high peak It was at such a high peak, you know last night. I had jet lag So I got off the plane yesterday at 8 30 in the morning. I went home. I played with the family. I hung out

I eat lunch at them. I think I went down at two. I got up at 5 30. I Didn't with him. We talked Sunday. We said prayer whatever the fuck At 10 o'clock I went to bed last night was tired, but I had so jet lag or whatever the fuck you call Yeah, I woke up at 3 in the morning angry as a motherfucker Woke up like my mind. They just put all the shit I've been pissed about for the last three weeks In the tip of my mind. I got up. I drank half a gallon of apple juice. Oh, it was the baby's apple juice I was so dehydrated Then I popped the fucking half a gallon of water did three more CBD drops under my tongue and I couldn't go back to sleep

I was wired. I woke up at 3 got up My wife came out like 20 minutes late. You're okay. We started talking. She goes. Why are you mad? I woke up fucking mad. Can you believe this shit? She's really mad. That's what we started talking about when I was mad about She goes if I want to go to the zoo tomorrow, I'm gonna have to go back to bed I got it. She went back to bed like maybe 10 to 4. I stayed there till 5 30 watching sons anarchy and what's the episode of sons anarchy I Watched episode of sopranos. I watched the honeymooners had tape the night before I didn't get the watch that I watched the honeymoon What one season what's that honeymooners how it wasn't like one season they had a 20-something episodes

Yeah, but they got like really good episodes. I come out Sundays at 10 30 So I tape them that's good one night a week that we get the fucking one night a week for you East Coast cocksuckers One night Sunday at 10. I got the odd couple and 10 30 I get the honeymoon And I watch him every Monday morning But my suffering you such fuck yeah It destroys my insides What your last night was the one about the boxer? Have you ever seen that one with a shooting pool? No, and the guy comes over the guy's got a squeaky voice

And the guy's got a squeaky voice the writing Listen There's two guys who run on that show and Jackie Gleason Jackie Gleason oversaw and Let me tell you I read the book Jackie Gleason described him as two Jews without a suntan because all they did was write brilliant shit Yeah, and this particular episode he's shooting pool With Norton he walks in the pool tables open. He gets on the pool table within four minutes Guy comes up to miss wiki voices. I wouldn't do that if I was you And he goes why not he goes, you know, and this is me and my friend Harvey and they start making fun of the guys up there

So you're with your friend your friends Harvey Harvey on my son. He goes, yeah, and my friend Harvey's even bigger than me and rough goes I got a friend Shirley. That's even bigger than you So all of a sudden Harvey comes back. He's a professional boxer He taps Ralph and he had all of a sudden fucking Norton is hysterical I mean if you're looking to do comedy timing and What I don't even know what his name is anymore his real name Ed Norton in the fucking thing He kept peeking over his shoulder going a Ralph. I think he's even bigger than your friend Shirley like he

He was just well crammed in Carney was a comedy Timing and I'm watching this this morning and my wife is arguing with the baby in the fucking kitchen and about the part where he Norton comes down and talks him into it. He goes you got to fight him Everybody's down there. Everybody's betting on you. You're 500 to one. You lose And he's just tormenting me because you can't leave town. He goes, let me teach you how to box Let's work on your footwork

And he's working on this footwork And all of a sudden he goes all right cover your face cover your face Ralph covers his face And he fucking punches him in the stomach right and right when he punched him in the stomach I broke down into tears. We did yeah broke down into tears, and I'll tell you all the components of this a Hey, I'm gonna write it down. I grew up watching it When my mother was alive, right and as I was watching it I'd be on the phone With either Ferney next door for Bernie his name was I

Forget now the kid who fucking the lights all came blew up went through his legs The guy with the bikes the guy with the bikes I hit him on Facebook. He never returned me I'd be on the phone with him laughing now number two. I've seen all these episodes A hundred times a piece. Yeah, why am I still fucking laughing? And number three It's who I am today. Yeah That comedy is who I am today. I wanted to be Ralph Grandin. There's no Even my wife looks at me throughout the day

Because that's the first person I saw that really took it. Yeah, Richard Pryor was a great stand-up But to do it in front of me then I saw a red fox on And you see all these other influences crossover, but fucking that show every every Monday first thing I do on Monday when I wake up no news No, nothing I get my coffee You gotta have that chill moment and it brings me back and it's three levels It's three levels of what happened to fucking Do you know they took every song off? You're correct

Every every fucking song we brought it back so big That mca records said it's over Yeah, where is it? Oh, okay It's time for tony bennett's it's monday a little something for the spirits, you know what I'm saying it's something for the spirits Yeah Sorry about squeezing the water bottle and people got offended It's time to smoke a number if you got it that's what it's time for cocksuckers Little smoke break

Eat some nicotine gum put on your grandmother's glasses and take a ride Get on the skateboard now cocksucker You will go with eight stitches Oh Shit Your face looks like a mushroom right now. You're so high. Hey, golly. What are you talking about? One more little step one more little step. Come on. You're so high One more little step for jesus

It's monday. This is amazing. You look amazing. Well, but what did you put jesus through? What did your people put jesus? It wasn't me. It wasn't me with the fucking thorn crown one of your uncles You're gonna assume one of your cousins. You're all related Where is it? Don't worry, but I got more. Oh, I found it Believe it that the cattle get it. No leave it that the cattle get it the cat the cat on the mushroom Oh my god, somebody sent me a video of a dog that ate edibles today. It was the saddest thing Oh, no, I happened to it the owner kept couldn't pick it up the guy with his eyes are wide open that were fucking dilated Here you go. Lee. This is small. Did it hurt the dog? Hey golly. Don't let that one go down

That's small. Yeah, these are all baby mushrooms. I feel like the other one's smaller. Here you go. Lee. I'll river dirt you There you go. I'm gonna send it off on the snapchat for you. Okay. That's how we do it a couple mushrooms during the break Got the party started fourth of july's gonna be here before you know it. Oh my god That is impressive. That's a little one. Yeah He's lying. That's not little. That's a baby. That's huge. No, come on. Joey I get these mushrooms from fucking Africa that they give to black people before they put them on the ship These are the ones huge not the ones they got the cap. That's the one he's gonna see the devil. We ain't gonna see a devil I gave milligrams of reefers. I don't care that I squeeze the bone

This is gross. Who gets offended by bottles being squeezed people have stopped listening to the show Sometimes you make a mistake and you squeeze a bottle and this just refrigerates on fire. Yeah, that's got these ice dicks in them I love a good ice. I love I love this shit My wife doesn't freezes this like the white trash that she is And I gotta tell you in the middle of the night you get up and you drink that bottle. That's delicious. Oh my fucking goodness Some cold Yeah, a little ice dick to go home with a little ice dick to growl never get lonely There used to be a car valve in Syracuse. I used to go to oh, yeah, there's a few car valves still one that was one particular

I used to go. I used to make my milkshake thin Little chinese guys very thin. I like it thin. Yeah, was I did you ever know why you like it thin? It's still I made a thin shake yesterday about two weeks ago like watery. Yeah No, I put vanilla ice cream A lot of whole milk and a fucking scoop of cane sugar don't drink that whole milk But now I put coconut milk with vanilla. Good. Oh Go for you. That's good. I make almond milk smoothies every morning Lee and I love it. That's good You put good nuts in there. I put fruits

I put mixed berries and cherries. You put some flax seeds Oh, do you put chia seeds in in hemp seeds flax seeds flax seeds are good add some chia in there I put some uh cd cbd oil. Yeah, that's not necessary for 60 seconds And you become a fucking weapon Lee understand. You're the fucking think you're dealing with joy bananas What's wrong with milk joey bananas? Yeah, what's wrong with milk? Milk is man. That stuff is so gross that comes out of a cow's breast I can't whole milk. I can't fuck with whole milk. It's very funny I'm sitting here looking at you and I realized for the first time how beautiful you are

Oh, you're so sweet cheekbones and stuff. You're also so very italian I feel bad italian and mom's italian everybody's italian. What's your mom's maiden name? My mom is is a mutt. So what's her maiden name finley finley. She's irish and that's the beauty. Yeah, that's the prettiness I've always been a sucker for irish women The dirty I like them. Yes. Yeah, we get dirty mouth. Love them. Love them. Love them since day one dog Those freckles on the tits when you're in crap and I got chip freckles. I feel left out Oh my god When they redheaded there was a redhead sitting next to me on the flight to sacramento or felicia

Felicia's like, why aren't you looking at I kept looking she couldn't she was beautiful She looked like the chick from boogie nights first off. Okay. I was gonna say the wendy's commercial That's right here. No, no, that's too red. Fuck that I like yeah, I like that red and they gotta have pale skin. Yeah, I like the vampire skin and I like the freckles The freckles on the arm tip freckles the feet were fucking tremendous. She had acne foot fungus I saw what do you want to do the foot? Why did you like that? Because that means she runs in the woods I could get her out there running. You know what I'm saying? I could chase it with a knife Also means she's probably like vulnerable. Yeah, I love it. I love she was beautiful when she got made up on the plane

I was watching to put her eyebrows on She's fucking beautiful to be a woman. We have to put our eyebrows on Do you even know what the fuck that feels like? No, you motherfuckers sit in here Would you with your burly ass eyebrows and the world loves you? Yeah, but you got fucking eyebrows and somebody pays the rent So complaint. You know what I'm saying? I got nice eyebrows. Nobody's paying taking me to do Your eyebrows are all over the place and you're adorable. Oh my eyebrows women have stopped me Yeah, your eyebrows are stopped me 9 out of 10 times and go can I ask you a question? Do you have a sister?

I think because the eyebrows got to be out not the one of these Eyebrows no no they like this eyelashes women go crazy over these eyelashes. Yeah They say that they grow weird might eyelashes grow to what you ladies want them to do they curl So a lot of women have come up to me over the years and said your eyelashes are tremendous All the fucking things I just sent the fucking Package to mad magazine. All right to be an eyelash model. Whatever the fuck it is I get mad when dudes have nice lashes because women have to extend them or something. We gotta put we have to put like bore

Baby bore fat on our face to feel pretty We have to put colors and chemicals And shellac shit onto our face You guys walk around with your early ass eyebrows and your lashes and you're fucking fine You could smell like salami and have a fucking hair from your temple to your chin. I'm gonna salami no more because I did last week last week My wife brought salami again to put the fucking salad and I found that at night I'm in a salami sandwich and I was leaving at 3 30 the morning. I'm not hungry when I wake up

I'm starving. No, I don't wake up with hunger. I have to have that coffee first Then I gotta wait 10 minutes and I gotta hit the tuturuts And then once I hit the tuturuts about an hour later when I smell bacon before I go on the shower And I go, you know what I could eat some at one point to you shit out the window Do you ever do that for old time's sake? No about eight years ago. I started shitting tubs because I just couldn't take it no more Shut up while I was taking the shower. Why get out? No, let me tell you something for some reason

Listen to me jasmine for some reason For about two years Every I hate going I like shitting before I go on the shower But I like shitting before I go on the shower I don't want to take a shower and then walk around with a dirty ass all day Because it leaks you gotta better you gotta stop every hour and clean it and then it gets hot out So I don't like I like taking the shit Before I go on the shower

But there's some days the system don't work according to your fucking pussy schedule So you wash and then you come out some days I was taking the shower and as soon as the water went in my back. I have to take the shit And he had the worst let me tell you something when you got to dry off and take a shit and it's and it And it makes you have to go to the bathroom as soon as the water hits you So sometimes you do sit on a wet toilet and it's a horrible. It's a worse feeling. It's a horrible feeling So for a while there, I was just saying fucking let me just shit while I'm taking a shower

So you you would And then would you scoop it out? No, I would either unscrew that thing. Sometimes I pick it up in my hand and just throw it right away That's how disgusting I am sometimes I would just shit In vegas sometimes I was eating pills and doing blow and I would just sit the thing with my legs open like a chinese guy You know how they shit in china, but only with water hitting my ballsack and my ass on at the same time. It's a party And I would just shit and watch the shit come out with all the particles and then I get like the soap and push it down the hole Yes, I would I'm disgusting. I gotta admit to it right now. Anybody who's ever taken a shower at joey Diaz's house No, not this house. I would do it in hotels. Okay. Oh, jeez it push it down

The peanuts would get stuck in the thing so the drain couldn't go back down. You don't know I'm never staying in another hotel. You don't know what life is like You know now I do just had to be 2006 to 2007 come on. You had a shit year You know, you know the year you were doing that. I was just shitting the tub everywhere I was going you know how some comedians have like like josh buff has like the picture from his hotel room He's just six pictures of the shits. You know now. I don't I don't do that no more. That's when I was an animal I've done this was way before the baby way before I got married You don't shit in the shower and then my wife caught me one time in the new apartment

She caught me tossing the shit and she goes. What was that? It was in mid air. She just caught it like The thing flying off and it was rolling in the air He's been in the splash getter And it just splashes because what was that like I had an accent And she was you can't be having accents no more you're too old for that shit and that was it because once my wife catches me That's it Your wife caught you tossing shit to here right here like a condom like a little shit condom Women softball serve unbelievable wait when you shit on the floor and then pick it up or shouldn't do your hand

No, I wish on the floor let it drop boom boom boom. I would be washing my back and then I just bend over I just bend over like a mule and let the hot water. It was like a Puerto Rican bidet That's what I would use to shower like a Puerto Rican bidet. I don't like He can't handle his life right now. No, I don't like those things those shower things they I don't like that because you're never cold If you take the thing off the thing then you're freezing Yeah, so your balls are warm, but your back is freezing. So I don't like that. I like water everywhere If you go to these new modern hotels in vegas, they got a couple different directions that water's coming from don't get me wrong I get tempted you get tempted at the hotel. They put me in vegas now

They have a chair in there. Oh, that's a party a chair in the shower. Oh, that's so you can like sit down and Yeah, I take a shit comfortably this time. I just go in there and lay there and think of jokes and shit That's my best work when I'm in a shower. Yeah, I do too. I love The old apartment I had in hollywood The guy told us the water tank Was from 1910 where it was the size of the city I would sit in that when I first had to sleep at me I would sit in the shower from three in the morning to eight in the morning when you get pruny

The fucking war the wallpaper the fucking wallpaper and the paint would come off the walls And I would just sit there. I get a pillow. I put a plastic bag around I put it behind my head Before the sleep at me machine. That's the only way I could sleep. There's a slant at steam You'd fall asleep in the shower With the hot water hit my chest like a doctor That's the way the greeks did it in the old days like a doctor. Fuck. Yeah It's a documented trying to lights off fucking leave me in here with the hot water hitting my chest What kind of doctor sleeps in the shower a doctor real fucking doctor somebody was making big time fucking cash

Listen, if I'm gonna make big time cash, I'm gonna design a house With a mattress in the shower and the unlimited tank of hot water. I feel like I was drowning I wouldn't yeah, I feel like I was drowning hit my chest on a slant Nice steam You breathe nice. You put some elliptical. You can lip this in the fucking thing. Humor fire. Whatever. Who gives a fuck You're you're literally making a human size Like a huge humidifier. He just needs to turn the light down. No He doesn't need to sleep at me a machine. You just fucking waterproof rolling papers

Smoke some tuturutes in the fucking shower. Who's better than you least I had nobody that's amazing shower Fuck you if I could smoke weed in the shower, do you know how many joints I'd smoke? You know how brilliant shit would come out of my mouth? Yeah There's times I go in the shower. You can't write. I need a waterproof pen with waterproof paper You have waterproof paper. No, I wish I could get it They got there. They got to have that Something I could write on the water like if it gets what it doesn't matter I could use a snorkel like writing in the water

Do you eat in the tub? You need to sandwich yourself. No, that's disgusting. Oh, okay That's disgusting. He says the guy who just threw me a shit in the air. Candy jello and shit in the tub like the fucking economy Some people do a beer don't they? Yeah, I'll do I'll do a shower or a beer. I don't need none of that shit I'll do one of those shots and no glass. I can never be one of those people drink one They go into this deep fog and they open their eyes. You know what you ever go to a meeting people hug each other and they close their I never got I close my eyes once nothing happened. I never close my eyes again Even when you make out that's the creepiest thing in the world. I gotta close my eyes nothing happens I want to stare at you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah

Fuck yeah Like a dead person. I don't fuck when you sleep. No, I was like, oh my god I got a cat that sleeps with his eyes open. It's the creepiest that's scary She sleeps with her eyes halfway open. You gotta go like check it from time to time lulu get it together That's my friend dogs. I love lulu. That's my girl again. I took that from the honeymoon That's from the episode norton was sleepwalking So they hypnotized me kept saying lulu lulu and they got him a fucking dog I'm not over you throwing shit

Disgusting we do listen man. We do some disgust. I used to love to pee in phone boots You pee in a phone booth. That was my life Like just for a gag take my dick out and make believe I was talking on the phone You just pee and watch thousands of people walk past me while I had my dick out peeing on the floor It's amazing what you don't see. That's why I tell people all the time like people You know, they get away. They don't get away with murder And I say read those mafia books Those mafia books they took in the weed. They didn't make a big deal of it

And that's why yes the rats told where the bodies were but that's still a hundred and those guys are not geniuses They're not geniuses They've wrapped the fucking trunk up. They've wrapped the top up They take you for a ride shoot you know head with a 22 so the bullet wouldn't splatter because when I shoot you with a 22 There's not a hole. I'm come out of the other side the 22 just goes around in your head And crushes your brain. That's why when you want to shoot somebody in the head, you shoot them with a 22 I was just thinking about that today That bitch fucked up because the chick lived

Memo a batifuko shot. I don't know what the gun she shot at with when Amy uh, oh, yeah Shot the mother in the head with the gun. That's right. Wow. I forgot about batifuko when I first got to LA I see batifuko every night Really at the commie store They must have been weird. Joey batifuko with his wife at the commie store And then him by himself and then auditions. I always went up against them They always put them in bumping that my category an italian bus driver beats a guy. I know we see batifuko in all your audition They got a porno and everything ended. He's got a body shop in the valley or he sold it

You know, he had a body shop by the van eyes for years. That's when he moved out of here Came out with a van a body shop He sold it So you gotta shoot him with a 22 but all the Do you want to know that Lee? I watched those CNBC shows and people always getting caught with murder for stupid shit And you're like that's just dumb shit How the three guys murdered somebody and nobody knew nothing for 22 fucking years Well, they gotta stop showing these shows because no one's gonna solve murders in like 20 years

Maybe even less everyone's gonna be taking notes with all this technology and murders are just gonna be done so easily Well, see now with the technology they got you I think they even have you with the drones Of course. Yeah They have us with our cell phones. Well, I won't I'm not gonna take a cell phone to bury I'm not that stupid. I'm gonna take my car with the gps. Take a drone pop pop pop pop pop Pop a cap at papa 22 in his ass with a drone. Yeah, right through the butthole. There's already a hole there That's a fucking that's the thing from a movie You see there's a new drone that you can actually sit in now

No, it's not out yet But you can sit in the drone It's pretty cool. You're fucking happy. You can't wait to get your little hat with the propeller Yeah, I'm a nerd, but I like to wait till like the second or third version of stuff Like the self-driving car. I really want but you can't go first. I'm known It's there's gonna be a recall. Yeah computers break down and stuff So I'm like the second imagine being the first and the thing don't stop and then you are on the 405 That's five or more do it 90 and you're an asshole. You're like, why don't I even believe this shit that this is gonna even be possible

Yeah, like I'm gonna have a fucking I don't trust nobody. I don't even care if it's a fucking go-kart I don't care if it's a fucking bicycle. I wouldn't trust nobody driving me with a fucking thing So now I'm gonna have nobody in there. Are you fucking retarded? Yeah, this is only something that white people come up with This is some white people shit. Nobody else the chinks don't think about this. They're not thinking about this In Africa nothing about this nowhere else, but fucking here white people What about we got a Whatever car, you know to do what to do what to do what? Because I wonder if I'm gonna fucking snap one day. They're gonna be in different cities

Because they're all gonna be on a computer chip or something. It's gotta be done with a computer. I never even thought about that one yet So one day 600 fucking these stupid cars are gonna be going nuts. Yep on the different highways They're gonna zap out meanwhile. I got my fucking Cadillac dead free That'll kill you if you tap into it. You just you get see that's what i'm getting in my next car. Forget the Subaru I'm already driving around different neighbors looking for an old Cadillac. I gas guys. I don't give a fuck I want to get my my car. I want to have one of those. Yeah, why not? Why not? What year? It doesn't matter. I don't even know years. What do you think I look around? I don't know like 70s 80s 80s good fellas

1973 Not the villa, but the other Cadillac de Vil not the Cadillac de Vil, but the electric 225 i'm taking it back to 1970 fucking three four door electric windows You hit somebody with one of those fucking cars. They ain't gonna live to tell the story. There's no kidneys There's no hips. They're going down heavy. I would pay to see that going up work Let me tell you something you hit me with one of those fucking driverless cars You're blowing up right there and i'm gonna keep driving down like nothing happened It's like one of those bulletproof tanks

They don't even meant dog those cars you could shoot at them those electric 225s. I know The caddies the caddies does it listen? I know for a fact You could shoot at those fucking things when you got the car action those things the windshield didn't break It was like a nine inch windshield door If you were old and needed glasses you didn't need them in that fucking car That's how they made those cars. What does it call an electric 225 four door? Get the fucking brown with the tan interior leather Who's gonna say something to you? You're living like riccardo month and bomb before the cake

Take a look at that fucking thing. I think it'd be a little me say that a four door. Those are nice This is the real deal. My dad had a caddy. I I borrowed it and then they stole the The hubcap the like the cap cover This they stole that shit up. I don't want to get I don't want to get guinzo What you got to get like old school guinzo like Not that one caprice classic Not none of those right there that black one at the end. Oh, shit You see that black one all the way top top top all the way over to the yeah first one way right there

Boom, let's see what yeah, that's a good fellow style. Who the fuck you think you're dealing. What is that? What car is that? Yeah, that's a ship. It's it's what I put in I put in a lecture 225. There it is right there Fucking beautiful. Yeah black on black White wall look at no white walls. Look at that front tire Is it a white one? Oh, no, it's not. It's got a stripe. The back tire is different though That car right there looks like a shark. You see that bumper right there. That's what it was made to look like That's what america made to look like take. Look at that car right there You have nine feet between

Your face grill and the windshield nothing's happening to you. Nothing. No airbag. Nothing's happened. Nothing You got nine fucking feet. Look at that. You got a fucking what engine do you have in there, lee? Fuck a minivan. Let me check. What engine do you have in there? It's an engine made You put oil in that thing and I mean, you know, it's gonna be expensive to upkeep But ain't nobody gonna fuck with me once they Once they put that car on the road. I go get an electric 225. I don't even think it has an engine I think there's just a dick under the hood. It's a buick, right? It's a Cadillac. It's a Cadillac Cubans love Cadillacs always remember that there was more Cadillacs in Cuba. Oh, maybe it is a buick

No buick made it, but it was a Cadillac Maybe it was a buick. Wow. Was it a buick? Maybe it was a buick because yeah, I can't find anything I guess it's a buick. Let's go to 1973 Buick a lecture to let's see the Wikipedia what the engine is on it 72 let's see Like that brown one get that brown one right there. Look at that motherfucker right there. That's a that's a two door That's the boat. I don't want the boat That's the Ralph Varney edition. I don't even know Ralph Varney

Ah Let's see. Let me see what what engine it is It's run by a whale dick. I guarantee it. It's not even an engine. Okay, an engine is 401 401 cubic. Yeah, are you 6.6 v8? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? It goes? And it just the more you go those horses go jack. You can hear those horses Don't don't don't don't don't diesel. No, it's just regular gas. Yeah, no, I'm gonna I blow 80 miles a gallon. Yeah, I'll blow 80 bucks from here to the comic store

But it's worth every fucking dime because if I hit you on lower kanging nothing's gonna happen Yeah, nothing's gonna happen nothing's gonna happen But going on I'll even get that quiet seatbelts. You don't need them. They even tell you you don't need them Yeah What's the point? What's the point? You don't need seatbelts in this car ain't nothing gonna happen What's the thing happens? You break a rib or you gotta take a quick shit. That's it. Nothing. You'll shit out the window That backseat you could bang two brats at the same damn time at the same damn time. Did it have the the bench front seat? Yeah, uh, yes. Oh cool. I love that bench front seat. That was something that was like 80s

I remember sliding around that front seat. You know, you date a girl. She likes to get blowjobs the seat bends that one I used to date a girl that she couldn't figure out I don't know why my seats maybe because you suck 2 000 dicks in this fucking car and you went this way You know what I'm saying? Did you ever think of that? We took it to the Nissan deal That's my memoir title. You suck 2 000 dicks in that fucking car. I'm not kidding. You're close to it And we had to take the car to Nissan And Nissan couldn't figure out why the seat was crooked Engineers little chinese dudes with the flashlights and shit. I'm like you guys stuck with the Nissan bill

No, do I look at the type of guy that getting stuck for a Nissan bill for the 2000 blowjob Are you fucking crazy? If I was the first blowjob in then I she kept sucking my dick Maybe I'd pay half the seat. Yeah, if you give a quarter of it. Yeah, I'll vac him the seat I'll take all the dick length off and shit, but I'm not fucking The seat was crooked from how many bones and I wish I was telling you a lot. Wow I wish I was telling you good for her Hopefully she mastered her technique Hopefully it wasn't a waste

What are you gonna do, you know things are bad all over, you know what I'm saying? All right, so you start counting your Syracuse or no Yeah, and then I moved I actually know I didn't start in Syracuse. I started in Boston when I was 18 I moved there and I did improv for a few years. Where did you do improv? I did improv at this place called the can tab lounge Oh, okay, and and um It was in Cambridge Oh, yeah, because they have the improv asylum. So I was wondering if you were there because I used to love that There's improv asylum. There's improv Boston and then the tribe was a group I was with

And then I started doing stand-up from that. I was like this improv stuff is Fun, but I was like, I can't do it. It's just Six people. It's hard to make it good. Yes. It's tough. It's a long version. The short one. Yeah, we did musical yourself Yeah, go fuck yourself. Just grab the mic and go for it. You're gonna go up there with three idiots Give me a give us the name of a city. I could tell. Yeah, that's shit. Oklahoma. Oh Okay, now we got to play fucking wizard. I gotta sit there and get a headache for 30 minutes We did we did musical improv. So I had to like grab finger symbols and shit I said didn't get a headache with a swampy head on I need to shit my fucking life. It's too much man

You remember the improv tube joy? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I had a little Get the fuck out of here It was big when I first got into stand-up in 91 Where I got into stand-up. There was an improv tube And I went to watch it and I liked what they were doing But the broad drove me crazy because she thought she was uh headburn Oh god, but meanwhile she was just a fucking moron, right? And then she got into stand-up and she had this big attitude and they made her a feature and she died a million times

So who the fuck knows what happened to her? I didn't like it. I didn't like the attitude of it I didn't like the people that went to see it It's a different thing. It's a very different the people go see improv. It's a they're a weird animal and at the I.O. It's in a In a hollywood. Yeah, they would do an improv show on fridays and then put stand-ups on them You should have seen the look on their face when they got low to me Because it's real they they should they they would shit their pants Yeah, I would go down there fridays at midnight just for a goof for me

And then go to the congress don't do the 12 30 or 12 45 For a year. I went to improv olympic as a goof, right because I and I couldn't believe now again Part of me is putting it down. But part of me is just I was in disbelief of what I bumped in there like I went there thinking something and it was The complete opposite of what I thought for starters

Everybody in there was on a visa card. Wow a dad visa card for you life together and then become a improv guy every Class I had I went there to write sketches At that time I heard sketch groups sketch shows we want to make a comeback Yeah, so I was planning ahead of the game. So I paid 69 bucks and took a whole 10 weeks sketch group I gotta tell you this after the fourth week. I was better than the teacher Really? Yeah, like the teacher had written for one tv show and all these little kids were rubbing his feet and

Bringing them apples or shit. I'm like this guy's a bum This guy's a to the curb fucking bum This guy ain't done what we do Never And after the fourth to fifth week and I'm terrible at all that stuff. I'm telling you I was writing better sketches The improv troupe was taking my sketches. They were yeah, they were taking my sketches. I never wrote sketches before just street shit I don't even know what the fuck I was writing three minute sketches. What the fuck they are and they would grow them out they took out of Maybe 15 things I wrote they probably took 10 of them. Wow

so I started going I started meeting the kids and I would try to get together with them to And they all had fucking outies What the fuck they all had BMWs. Come on. They all lived in the hills And here I am a comic work living in a one bedroom fighting for my life Shit, and I got to talking to them and then I started going to the I.O And I saw that the

The people that were even teaching couldn't Listen man I remember going to rooms to audition for movies And seeing people that I had seen another big movies and shit in my pants. Don't light bulb would go off and I'd say wait a second This guy did this this this and this but guess when he has none He never did half time on a buffalo save the game Yeah, and almost got shit thrown at him from the tub. Yes, okay

That built me up like that destroyed my insights like they they did this movie this movie this movie But they never followed Paul morning at the comedy store at 1245 Four nights a week nobody didn't do that. That's what they didn't fucking do And what they didn't do you can't take away from me. No, I'm gonna go in that room and Fuck them up And that's exactly what I would do from that little confidence just that little no matter I would think and you when you go in there you think about all your shortcomings You start thinking about this guy came from a nice family. I came from a shit family. I did drugs

I went to prison But then that last life hook has always saved me. I go but this guy let me tell you what he has and fucking not Yeah, he hasn't followed dama rare in the main room you know when You're not gonna do it and I see it all the time And it burns me up A couple weeks ago. I went to that fucking flappers down there on the Monday Tuesday and they had like this actor from like all these uh Whatever movies

Pseudo comedy movies down there trying to be cute comedy, you know, you could tell when he comes in with his act of bullshit You know, hi, how are you like he's what is it come on? Tell me who it is. I don't even know his fucking name What's those movies with the fucking dude from sign that live? He just played and fucking whatever part two was terrible He played the villain in that movie He's old, but there would be like he's like a hundred but everybody tells you he's fucking 33 Oh bill Murray

No, the other bill Murray the other fucking dude for son of a chevy chase. No younger younger. He's the dude. He did uh He did uh the basketball movie. He does the reporters movie Will ferrell In the neighborhood, he's cousins with will ferrell. Oh, is it John C. Riley? Which one's will ferrell will ferrell was on saturday night live? Will ferrell's anchor man He's in those movies the the guy i'm talking to the sports guy john c you want to know? Yeah, will ferrell like will ferrell was one of those dudes that's 50, but they keep saying he's 32

Yeah, who is it? Come on, you know, I don't know the actor's name. He's in he's in the anchor man Oh, he's in a bunch of those little stupid fucking movies and they started getting into the county I don't fucking know some white dude and he comes in with his fake attitude like hi. Oh, are you from here? He's making believe that he cares like right away. Nobody gives a fuck where you're from. I don't really give a fuck I'm just here to fucking rock the mic. I don't give a fuck. You got wings. You got water Let's not do a small chat. Yeah, you know Shit Mike and this motherfucker was going up there talking all this shit

And I could tell that he was watching me and when I got on stage his face was just they never see that It's like one time I was at I think lee was with me. I was at the fucking improv and what's his name was there? The other dude that's got the show about the clown on fucking Zach was there. Zach fucking called me Zach called brody and said I never seen nothing like that my wife because they weren't laughing after fucking sarah and zach And you know, most people at the improv. Oh my god, Zach Galifianakis is here Our evening has been made. Well fucking fat little joy went up there

I didn't happen for like two or three minutes And then I just turned down and fucking will Sarah I saw sarah for a year after that sarah would always go that night was amazing I never I didn't get to see about it. I heard about it. I turned it around. What did you do? Whatever. I just broke it down for him said who the fuck do you people think you are? You know, what the who the fuck are you? You're better than me. We're gonna do the more you little farmers market to get nutmeg Suck my dick, you know, I got a three-year-old. I just started throwing heat and ranting and all of a sudden when I left there They were like

And fucking I hear somebody chasing me and it's Zach He said what the fuck was that? And I go that stand up. Yeah, that stand up. That's what we're supposed to do Not supposed to go up there with you know, this guy's been in 20 movies That doesn't mean nothing when you got a brick stand You're either gonna put your hands up because the cops are gonna shoot you better start telling jokes, bitch And it's just amazing that we've forgotten that art. Like I'm old school. I went from fucking prior, man You go out there and you fucking step on the gas and you go and you say what's on your mind

And fuck it when you start holding back is when you're slipping. Well, there's three old people if I say Uh mudblood, you know, it's not gonna work I'm dehydrating from the mushroom bitches. It's good to stay hydrated. I'm glad it's not juice You need that water you got another water in there for me? Yeah, I got 22 fucking waters You're about to have 20 left. Well, you got like fucking leaves the man Oh, nice. We don't fuck around here You're in Boston. What was next? He's hanging on his water. I was in Boston for three and a half years. All right, then I was in New York for

Nine almost 10 Really? Yeah I was in New York hitting the pavement banging it out. What club is what you're working? I was doing all of them and I ran my own shows I used to bartend and I would run a show at the bar was bartending at I have all my friends come like I'd do the shift on Tuesday and afterwards I would Do the stand-up thing Um, and then I just ran shows. I did my own shows. I would bark people in I did that for years

I would just ask any bar. I'm like, hey, can we do comedy here? I fucking asked everybody how you have to do it. That's the only and they don't even know. Um, Yeah, I just need a microphone and turn your light towards the corner. We'll figure it out Yeah, and I did a lot of road like just bullshit shows where I'm getting paid Dick and hot dogs $50. Yeah, you break not even breaking even you're coming out of pocket. You're driving six hours I would do that. You know, I'd do all that like jersey and all those like areas that surrounded New York I'd do all that Roger Paul. Yeah Roger Paul the $50 gigs fucking come on come back to the office on monday if you're 45

I took my commission out of there. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah, you're opening for places You're going to we I would call him and he'd get me fucking you get your shit. He'd get your death gigs Those the most important ones Horror ones he got me wokes barry pennsylvania from linda raw That's I love all those games. Oh my god, you know, what's that you do the mason's Like there's one place in pennsylvania huge like masonic temple No, I didn't do that when I did the the Connecticut place with the animals in the room They're doing stage and they got fucking bears behind you. It's like the hunters

Yes, yes, they called me the last minute the headline there and uh Whenever I go to new york, I call bookers and just go listen. I'm in town What you got what you got and they go we have nothing And by thursday night they calling you with the worst gig out of the whole lineup Like friday night in baltimore, you're gonna pick up 225, but you you're not gonna get paid till you come to my office monday One time I came all the way back and fucking Roger paul kept telling me that he didn't send me to check. I sent my friend jimmy burkle He worked over there and I said jimmy, just go to this place and pick up the money

I don't even want to keep it. I owe it to you. I didn't want the money. I just wanted the principal Yeah, he got me a gig once on a disney bus Going from sea caucus new jersey to new york city 42nd street to talk jokes in the back of the fucking bus You have to snort and blow off fucking night the night before that was in hula hands in sea caucus new jersey Oh my god, I don't Oh my god, you have no fucking idea ladies and gentlemen when you do comedy you do wherever you can you do comedy dog And the people who are not doing this shit. I'm not even talking. You're not even ready for a cruise ship cruise ship Is right before you're gonna shoot yourself. You're going to cruise ship. That's what you do then

I'm talking about early on They put us on a bus at seven in the morning good that people were going a good morning america those assholes And I'd be back there talking about eating pussy and fucking you would all the night before what else I got Yeah, he would tell me to work clean fuck you and they would just stare at me You did 15 minutes Then somebody else did 15 and you sat in the back of the bus and then you just sat That's amazing and they put more people in and you do the same thing going back to jersey. That was one morning I mean and that you know that just builds like that just builds like scar tissue

It's like you perform and you do gigs like that And you you remember that you remember those moments like you like you can feel old cut like you remember that scar You can feel that scar tissue and you're like, yo, who else has done stuff like that The funny thing is that when you're doing that part of stand-up at that time You're all you're always carrying a little bit of pain from your past And now this new pain you're in you're encountering Makes that old pain go away or lessen a lot Because it's not really

Lee and I have had a thousand conversations about money and this and that and I don't think Lee understands that For 18 years before the podcast What I went through what he went through what a comic goes through I didn't go through the same luck than a lot of other comics had I came here when I was 32 You're long in the tooth nobody wants you for Montreal And you're at the store banging it out, you know

And all those years I still remember david tell coming up to me of miami and going I wish I would have gone on as a feature act. I would have had a following now because all those people Really remember you as a feature act and then they they're proud of you that you become a headliner now They're proud of you. It's like you become a piece of them that they've been there since day one And I try to explain to people that even this podcast What's made it easier is our years of busting our ass and awkward situations You know, it's like me going to get to every day and go listen today

We're going to start with you on top of me with your knee and my fucking throat and I got to get out of this Yeah, that's stand up every day stand up every day a 400 pound guy on top of you With his elbow and your fucking throat Lee. How you feeling over there? Lee's flying high. It's different. It's different than apples. I don't feel like I was like I don't feel like I was like Newborn baby. Yeah, take another boy. You look good. It's doing good for you. You look like a pregnant woman like in the face Only in the face like the glow. Let's get you a little mug. Look at this one. This is perfectly This is his eyes aren't open anymore. Joe. That's the goal of the show. That's when you know, the show has come to us

Not open when he's turning his head back like oh and then Benjamin It's the first 20 minutes Open every time I look you want to wake up a little bit eat this little stem right here This is a special. It looks like a simpsons character. You're gonna give him this thing Yeah, we're all gonna do a little no me and Lee gonna do another little stabby poo It smells weird. What? Smells like my toe from that fun guy. It does smell like your toe. Yeah, it does. It does smell like me I mean, I don't know what your toe smells like but I'm assuming your toe smells like that

I have a fungi toe when I cut the toenails off. I sniffed the toenails. It's horrible My dad has got that his feet look like he looks like a goddamn gargoyle from the shins down He looks like he belongs perched on a building my front toe and the middle the second toe all the rest The fucked up right Fucked up the first two. I got a sprinkle shit in there. Why do you do loacherman or whatever that? I do I do every day and the nails starting to crumble The other day I got his fucking blowtorch when they blow towards the fungus and I went on groupon And you go to ventura boulevard and some little black lady with goggles on

Fuck and takes blowtorch with cold air Yeah, yeah, it's liquid nitrogen She starts blowtorching your toe. You see the steam coming out of your toe and all of a sudden she's blowing cold air So you don't feel it it hurts the second time. You're like, ah, it just burns. It's kind of nice. Yeah, lead that fucking time It's time. I already ate mine two times He's over here eating them like they're chocolate chips. That's how we do here on the charts Chew it get the vitamins on there with the indians Treat some water cuggies. Oh, you got the cap on

All right Oh, no, it's a good monday night here on the church tonight people. You're gonna be Fucking 300 milligrams of gazunder beans His face has changed shape. Oh, that's my boy. He's a fucking listen. This kid's a jewish I took three of them. No, no, no, you did. I I've never done him. I gotta go. I gotta go have a desert moment I can't give her no mushrooms. I'm gonna go have my desert moment. She weighs 110 pounds with a rock on her pocket I will shit my pants. Yeah, that's the other thing I make she do take a shit. That's why and I got a big I got a fast system. I'm like I'm like a candy. Yeah goes right through you

Once this thing cultivates in your stomach You want to be killing that fucking bathroom late? You're gonna be blowing it up blowing it up diarrhea a little add Are you okay, lee? Are you are you having like an out-of-body experience right now? He's been having out-of-body experiences for four years now Does he look like a newborn baby? I've smoked the hash out of the can and changed this whole fucking life. You look so happy lee That's not bad. That's good. That's good. You're here Oh my god, how did mtv come aboard?

10 years of failure They came knocking the showcase Yeah, I just was you know, they like keep their eyes on on comics in in new york And you know doing my thing working and I was out there auditioning and doing all that and I went in for it And it's just It fit my personality because I just say how I feel and that's the basis of the show, you know That's that's the whole show. It's still on tv I don't think so. No, I left out for the second season. How many seasons were there? I think four

I left after two And it's fucked up because people give like that show and like a lot of the show is like a bad name But like even when I was growing up like best week ever I was like, yeah high schooler. I love there was what it was fun People like to talk shit about anything they can talk shit about people are afraid people don't like success And when something unsuccessful, they got to chop it down because they fear failure in themselves It's just a human it's it's human nature to do that and to be honest I I became fans of uh

Doug Benson and I think Pete Holmes was on the show too. So I'm the girl code. No, no on uh, best week ever So it's just like it was like the same thing You never you never went in for any of that stuff on like vh1 or mtv One time they called me and I didn't want to do that. Do you ever get shit for doing kid movies? No, no, whatever's like, I don't know. I rather do that than do a fucking the best week out. Yeah That's how I always felt. Yeah, you gotta do what you want to do one time when I went to new york They asked if I'm an audition for and I said no I also did an audition for the soprano. It's the first time you did it

They fucking the first time my manager at the time was worthless I'm in new york, and he calls me because this is showing me all those sopranos You would have been fucking looking for people like you know, I'm like, I'm not going to new york and dropping the table This manager was terrible. If he was good, I would have fucking dropped you would you would have gotten the role I wrote I read the second season and didn't get it. I read for the detective Because at first they wanted the undercover cop to look like pussy Right, so I went in there and then I read for the part of baccalaugh. I read for the part of gg Wow, he let me read he liked me, but I just could nail the roles. I wasn't ready. Yeah

I was still just paper would shake and shit It's an auditioning is a fucking nerve racking process It was for a while for me and then I flipped that stand up into it and That's smart Then I treated it like stand up. I put it I put the Not the dramatic side of the theater into it But the dramatic side of stand up. That's smart. I always won the conversation I always do three reads. I control the audition. I always do three reads

Do one for them and one for me and one together, right? Let's see how it sounds like together because right I can tell you to go fuck yourself in 18 different ways. Yeah That's how I used to look at those sheets. I always read the sheets and say what's he trying to say Because once you know what he's trying to say you could say whatever the fuck you want Yeah, I come to the final conclusion and I hit my marks at every level. Yeah So that's when I started booking once I got I added the dramatic side of stand up not a theater Stand because that's what you're that's your core stand up has a dramatic side to it Yeah, because you're telling what when you do stand up like that

Yeah So I I flipped that into it and it became a lot easier in auditions And I started ripping auditions apart to the point where I didn't like the movie I just wanted to book the job just to prove my point. Yeah, I'll turn down the fucking movie Because that's the shitty part is the working unless it was a scale movie or above right all those other ones I would just go in there for practice That's smart because that's that's that's the only practice you can get is putting yourself in those scenarios tv show same thing I got it down to a science five or six years you auditioned in this town for

You went in for the audition then you went to the producer's session Then you had to count nine out of ten. You had to go to the producer's session again So early on I figured out I had to have three auditions for them one better than the other And a little bit more on each time to push the envelope because they could always Tell you to back your speed up, but they can never tell you to give more Yeah, so I would always be a little over the top just to contradict the director So the director would have to tell me and it shows like a follow direction I got I was always going to follow direction backwards not frontwards. So you figure these fucking things out

And pretty soon you're going in there and it's like picking off I was picking them off everywhere law and order suv I was just picking them off special victim How I met your mother I destroyed them without even reading a line my ball fell out the pants ripped I didn't wear underwear and my ball fell out the hands of what they say the ball Dome There's a science to auditioning. Well, you don't even have to audition. I've been on three or four auditions I even read the sheet really just fucked them up from you know, I went to another pilot audition one time where the guy

Wasn't he was a real hillbilly and Philly, you know like a real yokel. Yeah, so this guy had I said, you know, he had a A pool in his in his front yard that he was filling up for his kid While he was frying hot dogs So who does that? Yeah, you know, so I said, fuck it. I wanted to with it with bikini underwear Well with sweatpants and the lord was in my corner. I walked in when I walked in like give us a minute They turned around right there. I dropped my pants I took my jacket off and had a short shirt with my stomach coming out on the bottom

So when they turned around they went like that and I was and I may believe I was cooking I go living like a doctor Boom that it wasn't they wanted to do it to say like, you know Hi, I'm over here having a great time come over and people were looking. I'm like, who's that fucking guy? No If you come out of your house and I look you straight in the face and I got a hot dog on the floor And I got a hose and I'm filling up a pool and I got a thong With no shirt and I'm looking you're like living like a doctor You're gonna go look at that crazy motherfucker. He didn't even have a backyard. He's got a four by four front yard But in his world, this is

Yeah, in his world, this is to you ever see that's how many yards this movie named 29th street No, see if it's on what they have on 29th street 29th. She's one of the best films ever Because it's Danny Ayala. I was a dad And he raises Anthony Lampoglia and he has to Then they move but he had a little front lawn like a typical Italian four by four And every day he'd be out there watering and talking about the kentucky and the whole family go dad Stop already with the fucking lawn. He had a four by four lawn. He's proud of that

But to his world it was fucking he rolled up his pants And four by four. What's the big fucking drama? But in his world, you know Danny, I L used to have a comedy club. I performed at in Hoboken. There it is right there dog that movie Is such a good 29th street 29th street But I'm the beginning of it. Lee. What the fuck you sitting there? You think I made you go to it? This is to sit here Let's see what we got here in the beginning of this shit Make it move a little Lee. You're gonna make me sit here. I don't

What is this? Go Lee Oh my god, look at me Oh, that's right This is a true thing this is about a lottery ticket The guy who wins the lottery, but he didn't want to That's and the guy didn't want you know who wrote this movie Joe pesh

Joe pesh was the dude that says what do you think you're dealing with joey bananas in Midnight run and he was also in 48 hours He was in the beginning of 48 hours negotiating with Eddie Murphy leave this. Oh leave this. What the fuck? In the beginning he's negotiating with Eddie Murphy in the truck. That's joe pesh Joe pesh sold this movie. Wow. This is a fucking and it's a true story. I worked at joe pesh He was in uh In uh, New Orleans with with Stallone when I shot that box and he gave me a big hug. He still remember me Joe pesh is a great dude. He's been in a fucking that look joe garish yola. Look at

Click at Lee Yeah, right there Tony sir Right there. Click it open it up. Let it play Let it play. Look at this shit Fast loo di jam. I took his acting fucking uh class At the ucla for 200 bucks. My wife gave it to me for my birthday We could barely pay rent She paid 200 bucks for the acting seminar by this guy. That's sweet. This is why he also cast Hannibal

He cast fucking the oh shit. He cast godfather 2. He cast Sleepers he cast donnie brasko. This dude's a fuck frank pesh was one of the executive producers See if he starts in the beginning. Let's see Look at how old these movies are This has to be yeah, I saw this one night by mistake. I cried everybody who I've turned this movie That's on once a year on that chicago channel Wgm wgms Now fast forward this a little bit

I'll tell you the way because they gets arrested right there. No, no keep going back a little bit. Keep going back alone Keep going back. Keep going back Keep going back. Keep going back. Right there. Right there This is a tremendous fucking movie if you want to cry like already i'm like oh fuck god damn it Look at danielo This is way before do the right thing guys if you watch this at home If you want to fucking cry you watch this god damn movie With the hot dog

Oh I was younger my dad used to always seem like this giant to me this this guy who knew everything about him Are you crying joey? Oh, yeah. No, i'm more high. That's right. What's that? What's that say? Well, that says uh today is president dies and how is birthday? I want to get my name up there Well, I wouldn't want to have it any other way frankie, but only great people get their names up there How can I get my name up there? You know, you got to do something big

Very very big This big I guess that was something that's to make us No, so it doesn't you're it for having And I figured if I could get my name up on that building at least I could have left some kind of mark on the world Oh Now in my neighborhood there are two ways to make One's the right way

And the other way is the fast way. I gotta tell you the fast way. Look pretty attractive to me as a kid Wow What's the matter keep forward fast forward this way Don't even Be fast forward this way. Look, you got dr. Dre Now you're not that much not that much when he gets a little older. This is hysterical, right? Police just took his earphones off and he wants to quit shit. He's like i'm done You want to smoke some potty?

Because you need to calm that savagery especially when my dad lost his truck He's all right, he needs a milkshake. What we're gonna do milkshake Love milkshake, you'll be fine. Trust that milkshake such a straight Ah milkshake. So what has a milkshake not such a straight? Yeah, it's true A milkshake straightens you right the fuck I shut this shit off. Let me give him some shout outs And we'll get everybody to fuck out of here Mushrooms he's seeing devils and shit. I'm gonna have to put Led Zeppelin on Please don't fucking no quarter in this motherfucker. Oh my god

You got on this fucking girl code. You're on there for two years. What made you move to LA? um E E network plucked me from mtv Okay, and uh, it was a very it was hard at the end with mtv everything got very contentious So, uh, I chose e over mtv And I did an overall deal with them for a year trying to make shows but Chelsea was doing her thing on stern talking crap and

You know, um, Joan passed away Joan Rivers passed away and the head of e got fired So all these Transitional things happened while I was with the network trying to build a show And so I sort of was under rug swept It was a great learning experience for a year. I was working my ass off. I shot a ton of pilots. They were very You know, uh, accepting but it just they were plugging too many holes So it wasn't, you know, the the best timing for me But I learned a lot and shot a lot of pilots and worked my fucking ass off

And now i'm just a free agent just out there on the road a lot doing stand-up Why you smile you smile at me smile because I know you're liking it I love it. I know you're out there. It gets tough at times. It gets lonely. It's it's hard for a woman It's hard for a fucking man, you know, it's hard for everybody I'm not even saying that in the real way. It's just hard. No, it's hard it is I have had a couple female comedians tell me it ages you with it

Every, you know, every comic has a different take on it But we all know it's like cigarettes. It's like chinese food. It's like cocaine. It's like mcdonald's We know but it ain't that bad for you. No, it's not that bad for you, but it's it ain't that bad for you So it's all bullshit. I mean, I feel very lucky. I feel very fortunate to be doing this at this age and still Being relevant and cracking jokes and fucking around with kids half my age. I love it for me That's what makes me get on the plane. You know, I can't do Every week and do a world tour as I used to do but I could do

24 20 weeks a year and That's good. That's good. Yeah, take december off. Why fucking kill yourself after the first week of december There's no reason to go out there. It's all christmas parties and shit After christmas that week, I told you if it's local if you're gonna go cross-country, you don't think about it. Don't tell them no I'm not going. Yeah, you ever see those people christmas time. You get your feet up and they're at the airport And you're like, look at those assholes. It's worse when you're one of those You're like, why are you traveling during that time? It's so stressful after the 12th of december. There's no traveling I'll see you january 20. Yeah, you've worked enough

Give you six weeks and it gets away that cold weather out of the way Yeah, you don't want to travel during that shit Well, it's a great weekend the first week of the new year. Send your mother Send your mother to go with a fucking bikini with a wig to dance down there. See how good it is. Yeah, see how good it is So have fun down there that second third week of january. It eases up the money leases up People start getting the credit card bills. They've been in the house for three fucking weeks Now you start going out, but they want new years weekend the fourth people 25 two drink minimum leave them at home. Yeah leave them at home

I don't want to attack my peeps like that. They're fucking family. These people go. Yeah, they are So I don't really want to they they're broke. They're still fucking recovering from the holidays You're gonna show up with a big dick. Hi. I'm here Scrapping stupid jokes and you didn't sell this you didn't sell as many tickets as you did last time Yeah, because I was there a year ago Right with the same fucking stupid jokes the same persona get me out of there for 18 months Make them want me back. Let them see 10 people. Yeah That's all these variables. You know, I've been here for years

And when I got here Gersh had the majority of the great comic slaytons the The the Jewish chick the wendy Liebman's the fucking slaytons the fucking Joe Rogan's That Dave Chappelle they had all those comics at the time Pablo Francisco. Everybody was a Gersh And one thing I noticed what they're their work schedules And at the end of the week after three years You burn out and now I can't really put them back out there. I'm like the mafia I want you to pay me every month a little bit Yeah, I don't want to wear you buddy

Just give me five points of your action. I'd rather milk it and be around for seven eight years Ralphie may feel a little burnt out one last comic standing in 2005 Ralphie may goes 45 weeks a year since 2005. That's just that's you're asking if you're killing yourself killing yourself. You're killing yourself It's taking care of yourself. It's Cleaning out your mind, you know having another hobby, you know for me people get mad at me I'll you come to Pittsburgh do my podcast. No when I do comedy I do comedy. What's your other hobby?

Podcasting. Yeah, so Monday and wednesday I do podcast I would I do one set two tomorrow night. I do I taped after all right, but usually Tuesdays I go to flappers in the store one set. It's not my focus. My focus is this you put and you got up I energy to Wednesday as soon as we say check it out. It's over That's it. I don't even think of podcasting no more If I do your podcast like I said last week, you got to pick me up take me to the location That's an hour half hour. I got to meet your buddy smoke a joint seem interested Now you took two and a half hours out of my day and I got two shows on the friday

Yeah, it's smart now. I'm bobbing the first show because I talk shit for you for three fucking hours about nothing Somebody that's not gonna listen to this anything, you know, it's why am I doing this? Yeah, it has nothing to do with my mission here. Yep. So when I rock I rock You gotta save the energy for you and when I roll I mother fucking roll. Tell them Lisa I want to thank my main man crone moses and his beautiful wife. They brought me a cd Lindy and miller and steve my man showed up heavy-duty Mark thomas my man from north bergen danie beyond culo Don wrangler john harris happy birthday to bobble lingus's mom

Primo pocheco on a hundred and fifty fifth street and a green go rojo Making a fucking happen over there. So we get the paperwork for me. What are you doing? How you doing? Look at the shape? Lee's the color of a peach. Lee is on fucking his face. It's like a fruit I went to the beach and I put sunscreen on three times in three hours You're just so white that nothing I just can't go anywhere. You are pretty pale. Yes. That's right. I'm olivia compared to you So what's your next plan jesse man? What are you looking to do promote your own show produce your own show now?

Yeah, I'm I'm writing three different shows Just to get out there and pitch them and sell them and I'm taking you're gonna be proud of me. You ready? Yeah I'm taking eight weeks off of the road Eight weeks and what are your plans? I'm taking. Yeah. I have to fill it down for you I have maybe seven weeks. So I have two weeks off in june I go to vegas or joe. I'm doing the eighth with joe. That's one night. I come right back I go to surgery on monday july july maybe I'll go and check july eighth on a friday night before ufc

Trying to catch you guys Monday, I come sunday saturday. I come back. I don't even stay for the fights. Yeah I'm with my family sunday monday to go over to the hospital. I break my nose. They clear out the old coke rocks And I fucking i'm breathing by fucking two weeks later. I'll do the ice house and then I do denver Oklahoma casino I do something else Nashville Nashville Then I got like three weeks off and I go to new york and austin and I got two weeks off and I go to

I need my time. I need my time my family. I need my time to live my life I like the road. I love performing. I love taking pictures. I don't sell shirts. I just hang out with people after word But I you have to live and I know that the more towns I do The quicker my exit from what i'm doing Then the clubs start calling you and say listen only 10 people showed up We want you to come here for three dollars in a fucking dream And that's what a lot of comedians are living through now, you know For the guys that are selling tickets you have to be very grateful because it's a short window

Yeah, and the other comics are there's a lot of comics who aren't selling tickets Yeah, and they still go in there and they fucking clean it up. You know, I always use david tell People don't go want to go see david tell no more. He's probably the best comic. He's one of the best comics Out there just because you're not popular doesn't mean you're good meanwhile. You're wasting your fucking Harder money, but who want to see some fucking fake fucking comic from some stupid fucking tv show That's never done stand up in his life, but david tell is starving up there a long time never really starving But nobody's going to see him He's a great talent because we have trends and we have who's hot

Culture pop culture and the industry pushing out and I do the same thing with music. I've said a thousand times I don't want to go see sabbath and rudy sargell sat there and said Why not they've been doing it for 40 years now. How good are they and if you look at sabbath If you look at fucking uh all the sabbath tapes on youtube It's not ozzy. That sounds spectacular. It's sabbath. That sounds it's tony. I only he's a butler Ozzy sounds like he's screaming through a hemorrhoid storm Ozzy sounds like fucking Ozzy, you know, and you don't know who's singing Last night. I watched those american music awards. I watched bits and pieces. I was sitting there trying to kill time

I just want to listen. You're old. You don't know what's really happening I was embarrassed for America last night. You were because I was really embarrassed. Well, britney spears is lip-syncing You look at britney spears. She sold 140 million. It was pretty obvious. It was pretty obvious. She sold 140 million albums Somebody bought these albums Now i'm not here to criticize nobody, but I don't know if you people know this The studio she's madonna jr. Cheers what somebody didn't know all those years madonna couldn't sing that she proved it last night Did you hear her singing purple rain? Oh my god. Was it bad? It's fucking horrid

It was fucking horrid. See if you find madonna. Madonna purple. Do you want me to help? Oh, we're definitely gonna hand off youtube Who gives a fuck do you want me to help you type it? You got to see this. What's that? What's that says madonna madonna and stevie won the prince tribute Wait to use fucking see this thing and it just wasn't her Justin Bieber was lip-syncing because they move they're doing that same Rhythm nation. They're all doing the same rhythm nation. I'm tall. I told my wife rhythm nation came out in what 92 It's 2016. You're still going out with there with that same You know 16 dances flying through the fucking air. I just want to see you sing and see your lips

talent Where's my money going? Where the fuck is my money going up on a fucking thing like a witch With fire like some fire. I don't need that. She looks like me. She's 80 pounds overweight pink and she wants to be an acrobat Give me the fucking breather. Then that Adele who's also another fucking fake She can't sit here. We gotta play this Go Yeah, what about Adele that fucking cheeseburger eating fucking Go go leave wait till you see this shit

Oh, god. I'm so wait till you hear her fucking voice Look at what she looks like for stars She looks like a muppet. Look at it. Look at it Look at her look at her Now I love Madonna I'd walk the first three fucking hours. I love like a virgin But a lot of a lot of people got a big surprise and they went to see it. She can't sing. It was all fucking studio thing Are you fucking crazy? And he got stevie wonder. He's like why am I here? He looks like marlin brandon apocalypse now

I don't even know what the fuck he's at. He's like, I don't even like motherfucking prince That little motherfucking worthy fucking most of all, thank you Horrible Nelson turned the shit off horrible. Oh my god. That's so bad What's why are we applauding mediocrity? Because that's what we're doing now. And this was so fucking bad. That's what's happening in this culture. Everything is so bad And we're clapping our hands and we're like, yay. What I'm trying to say is if the more you You know the more you go to these captain marvel movies the more they're gonna keep You're supporting that monster machine stupid shit that killing everything

And you sit there and go who goes to see these fucking things anyway What cities are you going to next to you fucking sexy savages? I don't even know that I'm I'm done for a while man. I'm done like lee I'm gonna be I'll be in long island at the end of july. I'm gonna be in um mohegan sun the first few days of september But other than that for the summer I'm I'm buckling down and I'm writing the shows I really want to work on because I want to create my you know, I'm gonna write my own shit Do something I want to do. I'm not chasing. I'm not out there to to be rich I'm not out there to be famous. I'm out there just to to

Bring my truth to people and hopefully they want it. You know, I don't want to be up there Telling some dumb ass jokes because people, you know, you know what I mean? Like I want to speak my truth I don't want to be a people pleaser I just want them to like the way I present it. I don't want to present it in a way that I think other people are gonna Pay me for does that make sense? Are my really fucking high? No, no, no both Both right now we're working on two fucking hours. Let me wrap this up here Listen, man. I've been trying to get you on for a while. We're fucking up to you. You're always welcome here Your family. Thank you. You did great to learn that a great time. I love you. I love you too

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He fell asleep in the middle. I don't please he fell asleep a couple times Yes, you are you're fucking drooling you You look good though. You're making those Yeah, he was how many tacos you're gonna eat tonight how many potato tacos you're gonna eat tell me the truth milkshake milkshake What'd you eat for dinner a turkey sandwich? What'd you for dinner? I had some mac and cheese mac and almond mac and cheese Oh, aren't you fucking cheese? Did she dope it up? Yeah, it was really good. What you dope it up It was like the cheddar cheese that terry did and then other breadcrumbs

Oh, that's all you ate nothing else. No steak. No pizza. No steak pizza. No nothing No, I don't have any steak. You just carved it up the chicken breast I knew it's gonna be a heavy night. It's gonna be a heavy night. That's right. It's gonna get heavier cocksucker All right, you church motherfuckers I'll see you Wednesday night 8 p.m. We'll be back. I'll be at the uh funny bone in Nebraska, are you fucking kidding me or what the Omaha funny bone June 10th and 11th, and then I'm at the Philadelphia motherfucking Helium two weeks later figure it out like the 25th for some shit. I don't have the dates

Enched in my fucking brain. I love you. I love you. Joey Diaz I was looking at you for the first time like fucking jasmine's beautiful. You work with these girls These sisters you don't look at them. You start looking at cheekbones You're my brother. I hear you. That's why I love you, baby girl. Thank you very much for coming on the church Thank you guys for listening. I'll see you guys Wednesday at 8 stay black This show was brought to you by club w right now club w is offering our listeners $20 off of your first order when you go to club w.com slash joey. That's club w.com slash joey And club w is going to pay for your shipping when you get four bottles or more

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They listen say my boys don't play fool You're off your side and you know how the song goes in the back Sipping purple chongos don't look for trouble, but it always seems a violence for the gripping panties sipping at the scenes About behind us quick laugh One blow ko hit the road to the next episode In the saga of a few fellas. Oh, what the hell? I guess I better tell you it's Friday night I got a brand new kit on a fifth and he for me to get back on hit the coffee cup to pick up ml a u s back to the hotel

At the telly folk is doing pipe work Johnny Z had his hand up a movie skirt A lot they came to corner started to flirt and I knew that what she saw me baby dough was gonna drop me set for the night So I took it to my ride got my Mickey and my brother and I met an outside Who ride rules dragging through to be seen? Alexis 400 turn to triple those lanes acid in my bottle So I gotta get some more put the pedal to the metal back to the lettuce door because you know what I mean When I'm feeling kind of funky a sick honky straight going doggy money in my stock

Jimmy in the glove laying in the lettuce. I'm about to make good love Burr rubber up a block back to the telly. I gotta get some new car I know I couldn't be I just got a page in abroad wanted to me Up dead up told her meet me at the hotel. She had a friend with us. So I called T.L Slew me up. Solly wanted me dick and my lip. So try and make it real quick Oh, yeah, I jumped in the air train, but wait a minute. We gotta hit the snow main I got to get some gum and some tic-tacs to talk hands and I'm packing up black jacks We got the girls now we're heading for the whole damn they go to telly

So fellow won't just go down park the ride in the front like a sick one Just in case we gotta bust a quick one like the loader's gonna look for like 118 But lay low because I really don't want to be seen as it's the rule. Oh, yeah, that's the right one I got the black brought in you got the white one. So hit the like man. I just might man Try and throw this thing all night and get her so strong that she'll drop some mail So I can cut turf and hit another hotel So You