Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #383 - Theo Von

Episode Date: May 26, 2016

Theo Von, Comedian who special "No Offense" is available on Netflix, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by: Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order.   Tracker - Go to Thetracker.com and use code word "church" for 30% off of your entire order.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 05/25/2016.
  

Do the mushrooms make you shit, I don't know just cuz they're vegetables or cuz they're psychedelics. I'm the wrong person now I'm finding out with you This show is brought to you by tracker never lose anything again with tracker Listeners to this show the church of what's happening now get a special discount of 30% off of your entire order That's right 30% off of your entire order Just go to the tracker.com THE tracker.com and enter promo code church. That's right. That's The tracker.com THE tracker.com and enter promo code church to get 30% off of your entire order and

The show is brought to you by Helix sleep Helix sleep allows you to get a custom mattress online for hundreds of dollars instead of thousands Go to Helix sleep comm slash Joey. I'm doing good. Can you guys believe what I like? This is the best I've ever done. I'm not happy go to Helix sleep comm slash Joey and get $50 off of your order That's Helix sleep comm You're reading like the smartest brother in jr. I Was always really excited to go to Helix sleep comm slash Joey to get $50 off your order That's Helix sleep comm slash Joey and go to on it comm and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great

Optimization products like alpha brain and new mood Damn, I think I got alpha brain right now, but you better put a track on your fucking dome. Lee sciat. You're losing crown player Oh shit, you have no fucking idea what cave you walked into It's the church of what's happening now motherfuckers kick that muley reefer mushrooms edibles laughter

laughter laughter Get your shit together motherfuckers Wednesday may 25th You are here the day the devil was buried raped giving a Cosby pill and fucked in the ass What's happening gentlemen, amen brother, it's that type of party tonight Theo Vaughn in the house we putting the devil to sleep. Lee sciat with his little blue shirt on tonight It's looking beautiful. We've got really in training. He fucked himself last week. Why did I fuck?

He made me my girlfriend we ain't like four stoners ago league. You're in training Yeah, you cannot go backwards when I'm out of town. Yeah So he fucked up for two nights Why the kick up the milligrams and bringing mushrooms and hash and fuck art just for the record He's up to what he's saying is is that on saturday's want to take 500 That's your training. I get it. I get this is Parliament You're gonna go up to eight nine hundred because all week we're flying with eight nine hundred you're letting your That's okay. It's all right, son. I think you're an astronaut do star one. They don't give a fuck

They just want us to keep eating fucking stars. I'm never gonna stop eating stars. No, it's delicious They're delicious nutritious And they take you for the fucking psychological ride of your life the Ovan. What is it, baby? I'm here, man I'm freaking here dude. I'm trying to keep the devil out of my system, bro But he's here those mushrooms are fucking calling in shit. I'm feeling positive dude ate me a little stem I'm right. I think I'd make money to another brothers to get daddy You know just to get the fucking devil off my neck son little ones with a little there you go Huh something this little torch, bro

It's a little baton, but this little black one Lee Lee's Longest one that's the longest one in the bag. That's the other dog That was the main one under the shit. I'm not even We're breaking that one in half Half how we feel Cheers, bro. Yeah Come on, Lee get your brain up man You already Jesus Lee looks fucked up. Look at your your your head is holding blood, bro

Your head's holding extra blood for your body Mushroom tastes terrible with this shit in it. Oh, I let it sit in my gum for a minute Jesus Christ We're gonna see some psilocybin shit the church of what's happening now. You never know what's gonna happen We might eat a mushroom. We might fucking eat Acid we might just do an edible might just be ourselves. You know I'm saying I might eat ass, bro And we might eat that you listen all avenues are open on a Wednesday night You should leave your fucking avenues open. I've been telling motherfuckers for years I'll tell you what happened today. I had to go to Hollywood at 430 do Ari's thing

I'm gonna be getting up because I didn't do it yesterday. We say you don't like this one What's happening now? Yeah, so I get off the fucking 101 I first I see two exit two accidents on the 101 back to back Lee light day light day Who's our motherfuckers right in front of me? Once they get into the same lane. Mm-hmm. It was perfect. They just went bam This idiot kept going and hit him. I went right around that fucking moron. Oh, you saw it happen I saw right and bright beautiful and people like call the police. I ain't calling nobody It's got nothing to do with Uncle Joey. I got shit to do on people

I gotta get back in the HOV language shit is always let him fight let them gun each other down, bro So then as I'm pulling off another motherfucker go straight I mean this guy shoots into the fucking lane of the people coming from my universal city and off the Lancashire and he just shoots into that lane Sideswipe I just went around I They both looked at me like what the fuck I know you did you always be bad. I mean you like wave I wave both of me

You're beeping and then it's They just look at me like fucking So I get off the fucking one. Oh, I get off like I Exit Lancashire when I go north on Lancashire and I make the fucking left on Magnolia And I'm thirsty as fuck. Hmm. I got 10 minutes to kill before I got to pick up the baby. So I go to 7-eleven As I walk into someone it's bum day today at 7-eleven. Oh, yeah, it's fucking major league I got brothers out there front one brother. Oh get first of all get him, dude Every black community you got to go to your local 7-eleven. That's somebody's dad. That's somebody's uncle

That's somebody every any 7-eleven. There's a brother out there right now Go get him and bring him home Brother there was three white dudes and there was a creepy white dude in the corner. Oh, that's the worst that guy I come out and the simple brother says hey, man. I'm having a rough time Can you spare some change on the way out very polite the three white guys like hey? Hey, hey, we need money Can you help us and the fucking moron just sat there talking to himself with his hand? He was like one of those language people. I don't know what the fuck he was saying I go in I get the water You know what man? I refrained from giving those people money because I saw that show where they stand on Laurel Canyon

Uh-huh, and then they fucking drive to their fucking BMW. They walk to the BMW with you know, $200 and quarters and shit You know and I fucking Had a dollar bill I had 20s in the wallet, but I paid with an ATM I don't know what I don't know I pay but I had a three dollar bills I bought the one water and I had the one dollar and I said, you know what I'm gonna give it to the black dude Okay, you went brother. Why he was by the door number one. He was polite, right? The three white dudes were young. Yeah at that age. I was robbing motherfuckers. I refused to ask somebody You know a dinner or something. Yeah, but not to stand in front of a fucking place three of them

Yeah, not one of them three of three of them, you know, that's not necessary three you guys panhandling Okay, split it. How about one guy panhandles on the other two go mug somebody do something you gotta do something be proactive Go that dining across the street. I'm gonna take the garbage out do something Yeah, no, they were like expecting people to give it to him and the other guy was just half retarded I'm gonna give him a dollar to do what to go over to the park and his head with a tree a thousand times So I just gave it to the black guys. I'm getting the fucking car the three white guy said shit to me Started saying racial shit. Really black dude got up and said how about I like you three white motherfuck tremendous I just saw two cat car accidents and now I'm gonna see one black dude go up against three young white dudes

The three young white dudes backed up Wow, three fucking dudes backed up they tapped out like Ted Cruz. Yeah Fucking we ain't fighting three white dudes three little 19-year-old white dudes Against one black dude that was homeless, you know, he hadn't had a meal like an hour Oh, he got nothing to lose the lose and the three and I sat my car and I watched I told those three dudes to go fuck themselves And they looked at me and the black guy continued at him Wow, I just closed the car open the window listen to it Walked away. He just tuned in fuck. Yeah, well, no, you never get to see a good fucking smack-a-roo. No

Oh, no, especially not on the way on the west coast. You never get you see a shooting or that feel a lot more Smack-a-roo is where you're from. Oh down south. I saw a brother take a bite out of a Vietnamese guy once dude Took a huge bite out of his fucking arm, bro. Me eating everything bro ripped it right out The Vietnamese guy was like right in with all this karate shit and everything and his brother just grabbed the fucking bed right Right, you think about it. That's the way to do it That stops karate all the time because I don't care what type of karate you got. They got no defense for the bite You know what I'm saying nobody got well, what if a motherfucker goes to bite you? Hold on. I gotta call the main job and fucking open out

Let me put my komodo on And they bite your ass dude And you remember that every time you try to fucking hug somebody and if you got a little divot in it You know, you got a speed bump in your fucking hug. Why don't let Lee talk me into eating mushrooms on a wednesday night? Look at your head Open your eyes, bro Lee you're already fucked up. You're giving me 800 before Training I told you when you go down the fuck when you joined the marines, I don't say to Miami

You know, they would have fucking seagull. No, they said you're fucking paris island debt What marines? My own private I love it, bro. I own marines. They come in all shapes and sizes. Amen. Well, then let's me man. You gotta use in the marines when you You know, I know I don't Yeah, we'll get three dudes to throw you to that fucking plate glass window with two guys in here You come flying through with a helmet, you know, it's damage you could do. Yeah, Lee Lee Come on. Why are you gonna throw me as I was I'm not sleeping. I was just trying to imagine being like a

No, two guys Yeah, but you could do that. I could see that we'll put some shoulder pads on you and a fucking helmet with no t-shirt on You come through that window You have no idea you thought that black dude scared those three white kids You ain't seen nothing yet with a swat stick on your forehead with a beard Nobody's gonna stop you. Hey, no people will put their guns up and go now. Yeah This guy's got a swat stick on his head with helmet and a fucking pair of shoulder pads He's showing up like he's got bad

intentions Oh, he should run for governor in that outfit. What's up, Lee? You have a good time last night? I had a great time last night. It was uh It's fun. I've like I've been in the last few times because we they've done I think they did one or two seasons of digital and then this is the third season of like tv And it's just like the people I get to like I got to hang out with Steve Simone all night But then like I saw like Brian Regan was there Which was cool and big j. Oakson big j. Oakson was there. Good time last night. We're at r e show Yeah, last night. A lot of people just hanging out. Yeah, you know

And who else was there when uh, josh out of mines had like six bitches with him. Ah eating fucking uh Uh, you know set food. Yeah, you going up. No, he's just there with six bitches. He's fucking set food. They're combing his head He's like I just took the bus over for dinner He don't give a fuck josh had him if it's a comedy central and he's dead My show got picked up. I don't give a fuck or I'm here to sing a song I'm doing it I saw uh, vince vaughn last night at the uh comedy store too In the parking lot

He was just hanging out. He went to see I guess him and steve burn his buddies so he came out to hang out with them And uh, and then him and sabastra men of scalco were talking for a long time But he was super cool I went right up to him because I did his wild west comedy fest last year. So I'm right up to him. I was like vince Vince and he was super cool. He's like, yeah Yeah, and then I was like, I met your sister last year at the comedy festival and we talked for about 10 minutes He was cool as hell man

Is uh, anyway, he said I was just kind of cool at the store But how uh, I'm jealous. I didn't get to do the uh re show man. This is a showcase for it. Yeah Did you showcase for uh, uh? Well, it's at the score every tuesdays upstairs. Oh, I didn't know that just ask. Come on. Put me on dog How many stories you got? Yeah, you got more stories than most people forget in their fucking life, you know Yeah, man uh

Yeah And it's like I'm feeling high. I think I watch I watch your special and it's My favorite part about your special. Oh my god Is it's just You're so goofy and it just goes like it goes in ways like that's my favorite part about joey's comedy It's just sometimes when it goes ways that you don't expect right because like sometimes if you watch enough stand-up comedy Sometimes you can just guess the punchline right and when you can't and when it's especially when so goofy Which is it was great

It was like because joey and I always talk whenever there's the new special up We watch if we we discuss if it's good and yours is one of the only few that's been you and alley one Alley one killed it too. But yeah, thanks, man I appreciate that dude, especially coming from somebody that's seen so many comedians and it works with joey man I appreciate that. Well, the funny thing is that you do your job what we like This is what I like. I think sometimes that people have Too much respect for the punchline and it's not really the punchline

It's that little stupid line you say afterward and listen Right now it's working today. They're nobody better than you saying that little stupid line afterward because that line that little stupid line It's a funny thought that most people get all day right and it's your inner voice Right, I have the same inner voice my inner voice cracks me up all done Yeah, what you think is funny. She's so fucking bizarre And then you throw that last little well, you know and that that kills it and people from the south do that They have that last little three word fucking seconds at the end of it

That just fucking makes the whole joke, you know, yeah Well, you inspire me man after seeing you over at the store, dude, like Because you just like because you're set like something you're selling But like my intention when I came out here was never to sell jokes I wanted to be me and then after I got caught up for a long time I just everybody I thought like fucked and then nobody likes me I gotta I gotta fit in just like everybody else But then I saw you at the store one night, dude, and that fucking music went off. I'm like, what is this going on?

I'm like, I'm about to park a cruise ship on the fucking stage I Ripped everybody up a bunch of fucking hamsters You know when you left I was like, I am never not Going to be myself again when you come out to los angeles and you hear three months or you hear two months And somebody's interested in you and they take you to lunch and then they sign you as a commercial agent or a theatrical agent or a manager Doesn't matter they're gonna send you off for an audition for most people don't know

There could be any audition a commercial audition And the first words out of your mouth. I don't give a fuck if you're classically trained is I don't know what to do Or you're gonna say something their response is going to be be yourself And you're like, thanks And you hear that guys for fucking 15 years before one day you go Oh I know what they want now. Yeah, I wasn't getting it the whole time. I'm here. I'm trying to be Doug stanhope

I'm trying to be paul mooney. You're trying and I'm not saying I'm I'm just saying Yeah, I know you're not saying I want to be a brother trying to be nick the pile I'm trying to be a mitch headberg What if people go home and go what if I could put nick the palo a mitch headberg? But the funniest character they're hiding Is the character they're hiding? Yeah Because that's the reason why they came out he is because of that fucking character That's gotten them through everything for 15 years that voice. Yeah

That voice that you only let out in front of your friends. Yeah, and that your friends like that is fucking hilarious We're having a conversation at the store one night. You know like last week Some guy got found with 30 pounds of hamster bones, you know, they did in my town that is busted a man It just doesn't Right away. You gotta stop what you're doing on that conversation and giggle because nine of the 10 people wouldn't be proud that that happened in their home time You know what I'm saying like they wouldn't even mention it if somebody comes up to me go Are you from the world? He's not really I'm from Texas. Wait a second. Yeah, I gotta go

You know, you get to that point most fucking people would be embarrassed to say something like that Or it would take them 10 minutes after everybody told their story. Yeah to say oh by the way, there's a guy No, we've been just talking. It's too late. Yeah We're ready to go home and you came out with it and I'm fucking me and leave with dying in the car like What's he talking about hamster meat? What the fuck is he talking about? And that's yeah, they busted him man. Listen, they got him. What if thank god? I like like it's like they got him. No, I'm glad they got him dude 30 pound bag of hamster one like I mean that's because you have to there's not as much meat. There's very little bone in a hamster, bro

and hamster got a ham probably has Like a court like an eighth of an ounce in his chest plate, bro You can't even make a wish on their bones. You know, there's nothing in there. Where do you get all those hamsters from? That's it. Well, they breed them in our town. I used to work for this group They used to sell tattooed hamsters and getting pigs after uh, they tattoo them Yeah, they used to brand them with concerts and raves They would say it's tattooed is to make people not be as sad about it But it was a brand of what?

We're like a heat and ink bro for what like what did it say? Uh, 311 green day anything like a different bands that were coming to town totes That's where they got right totes acid bath. Uh, who else? Raves whatever We used to truck these hamsters into the city and fucking Bend them, bro We did man Because there wasn't much there wasn't much work in our town, dude

You know, you had to get what you could get and they had a man that bred hamsters And uh, I mean they had to do the tattoos and they fucking met up and that was a merger. That's big business, you know and they started uh a merger They started doing it man I got me some 300 Mouse in my house and shit and some other guys like, you know what man? I'm a pretty good tattoo artist That's the weasie

A merger is fault That means someone listening to this right now has had a hamster with like a band label on it Who the fuck buys a hamster? Listen, if I went to a concert I'm bringing the hamster home with fucking ACBC. No, I'm not I'm gonna be fucked up the whole night with this hamster But when you leave when you leave coco when you leave the place, that's when we get you, bro You get it there. Hey people leave it on ex-discipline. They're on molly. You leave you get that fucking hamps You get that warm little piece of god in their hands. They buy it every time, bro

I was on the roguin podcast and I told the truth my main Afritrate if anybody ever fucks with you come to me. Yeah, don't say nothing to him You come to me and you go this guy fucked to me and this this this this this this way And I'll ask you a bunch of questions And we'll let we'll lay a road plan for you to torture this guy bit slap him shoot him Just fuck with him like this house on fire, you know, fuck steal his mail. Whatever the fuck And I first like I was when I was a kid. I really was the best like if you fucked him Man, just waiting rob your house

I just robbed your fucking house. That's it. Like you're getting your house robbed. That's it And I'm taking the most important thing to you in that fucking house If I would steal eight ball cash jewelry, but if I knew they love their sneakers, I'm taking the sneakers too So when you see them, they're like, man Somebody busted into my house and took my sneakers. They took my mother's jewelry You just steal their spills and everything anything that I knew would get them. I'm a professional torture And when I got the boulder in 87 I got the boulder

Got the boulder in uh, december colorado six. Yeah, I was running from cops and drug dealers I was like 60,000 in cash. So you went to boulder I was an aspen. I was an aspen fucking causing damage In 80 in the 80s sick. Oh, please. Please. You have no idea dog. I was international You understand So I'm up an aspen. I fuck up The girl I'm with from boulder. We had all I had already a warning boulder And I'm like, let's take a chance. Let's move back the ball. I got pulled over no warrant

But I got arrested for fucking reefer Doesn't really matter The the the whole story is I got a job The week before fucking denver gets beat up by the giants in the super bowl like that fucking thursday I started the job and uh Lee's on the griddle over here side. He's fucked up. Hang in there. He's looking at devils in a second I love it. We'll cut it short and then we'll do a we'll do a periscope with the lights off Black Sabbath we sold our soul for rock and roll and we'll lock the door and make bets to see how it'll take

Before lee comes shoot out the window. Oh, we locked a fit. We locked this This big girl in our town We like this big girl one time we ate some acid and we locked this big girl into a room at this party And uh, and we kept going in there with fucking pots of fucking warm water fucking pouring it on. I feel bad I feel horrible dude. I didn't look we were kids and we're on acid, dude And then bro, you can't tell me this dude when i'm straight you gotta tell me how much on you locked the girl How old were you? I just remembered it. Probably 16

I know but here's the thing. Let's say I was 14 that way it makes it sound not as bad But look she ate acid with us, bro She ate acid with us, dude And what happened was and we kept going in the room with like these pots of warm I don't know why we had the pots of warm water because I think we just were fucked up, dude And we were like for a little honor, but not like torches when she wasn't in a cage or not She was just, you know free range in this room, right? I think she was scared to come out and then one time we went in bro. We heard this loud sound and we went in

She had ran against one of the walls so hard, bro Had fucking moved the entire wall in this house, dude Huge girl about 240 240 pounds beautiful girl too the most beautiful Biggest girl that I've ever known Uh beautiful girl beautiful hair beautiful face large just large and beautiful But she fucking got lifted, bro and uh

Yeah, man. Fuck I just came down a little bit off that. Fuck. I just had a little mushroom fucking high Fuck yeah So I get what were you talking about you're a boulder job boulder. Oh, yeah, I'm making dick wages And they put me as a shagger It's a body shop combination detail shop And they made me a shag it which means I clean bathrooms I take garbage out I pick up customers, you know, and it was one 75 a week for like 90 fucking hours

Like I was the first one there I had to be there at seven the thing opened at 8 30 Or eight and I had to be there at seven to fucking sweep and For 175 a week for 175 a week. I'll fucking clean off all the cars Start them all up warm them and bring them into the body shop according to order numbers I did the whole thing man, and I liked it. Listen, I was fucked up for a long time This was a great little job for me. But you know what man 175 for all these hours These motherfuckers are getting a little fat off me

And I'm like fucking I want to go in the detail shop. So I started petitioning to go in the detail shop I was a really good fucking shagger. So they knew my work. I think the guy was from fucking new york state steve something There's so many fucking steves in my life that every time I look up his name and fucking facebook But he was good to me steve In fact, steve was the dude who introduced me to steve and tidwell The dude who I kidnapped can't vellow it So like that's how I knew all these guys. So I petitioned steve. I go steve That's it, man

I'm a great shagger. I want the fucking job in the back. You know, I'm sick and tired of making 175 I want to make 200 bucks a fucking day like these fucking ganooks. Yeah So one of the guys heard me and he didn't like me His name was dirk something Fucking dirk And dirk wasn't a tough guy, but he was one of these guys that would fight me to the end But and he had the body shop guys he had the the whatever guys the The detailers they were on his side the detailers were kind of a little cunty, right?

You know, I knew like two of them that were really cool The other two cunty and then because they were above you. Yeah, and he was a supervisor. It's hierarchy So I said, how am I gonna get this motherfucker? I see a dead rat in a corner And I took it and I put in his jacket pocket That's old school. I put in his jacket pocket The next morning this guy comes in with a dent in his car and the jacket holding on to He drove home all night with the mouse in his pocket

And then the next morning he fucking started this car recent for a pack of cigarettes and there's this fucking rat And he crashed the car he fucking got That's what the dent was for oh fuck. Yeah I mean he fucked up the side of his car Into like the trees So I'm like that fuck him. You know me though. He loved this car. He was all those dudes I love this car. He waxed it out and every day and shit. I'm like get the fuck out of here Poorly

It's a beautiful man. I took a lead to deep clean lead. Do another start to balance you out. Yeah, you gotta fucking eat it now, bro You need some fucking uh a little bit of horchata, bro. We need to fucking hit up the Mexican milkmaid, bro Get it a spray in your mouth a little fucking lead get you back You got a baby bird you a little get you back on the bridge Get you back on the bridge. We is fucked up For you people without watching this dude. Uh, I remember one time we uh, this uh Um You want me out the depth with you? I'm gonna meet a death

I'm gonna meet a death Anything you say to death is always funny Joey's rockin died a million times. I used to have a friend That he was describing the girl I was dating to me. It was her father And he goes thank god you got her off me. He goes when she was a kid. I used to call a dollar to death because she'd dollar the death Dollar death. That's a great fucking name. What does that mean? Dollar death

Give me a dollar. Give me a dollar. Give me how many fucking dollars. Yeah, how many fucking dollars do you need to tell? It was dollar death Dude, I remember this so Yeah, now I feel bad about what we did to that bigger girl, bro Yeah, you can't but you know, but we didn't do it because she was big We just did it. She just wanted if she just got fucked up and she couldn't get out the room, you know Like I got one of my best friends got fucked up one time and he started talking about asian people We never even seen any asians in our life

And he started in your life knowing I guess maybe like in her past life He might have known some asians, you know And so he starts bringing up their names bro and knowing them and knowing shit about him on this mattress in this house And I'm like fuck dude. You're fucked up, bro. I'm leaving right so Apparently, I'm the kind of friend that when your friend is at his worst You fucking leave, bro Because I was just talking about chinese people. Yeah, I've never met chinese. We never known any. So what is he saying? He's just saying like hey, you remember fucking like sin like you remember fucking son lamb, bro

He was there for us, you know and all this shit of like son lamb, bro We don't know him, dude, you know, he was fucking like talking about dorothy Dorothy dorothy, you know, we didn't know any asians, bro And I'm like, I gotta get away from where you came from when you grew up There was no asians in that neighborhood not when you were there now. There's probably four. Yeah No, we live in a small town, dude. I mean I remember the population Ah, we probably had about 2000 growing up. Oh, shit This one dude I remember was trying to be an elves and person that he said he was an elves impersonator, bro

But he was just a fucking alcoholic, you know what I'm saying like we don't need any elves, bro You know, we got 2000 people. We need fucking gas money and we need jobs. Yeah, we need ideas Give us some fucking ideas those fucking elves impersonators are paying the ass They really are I gotta tell you something, you know, I told me before when I first got into comedy When I got serious about it in 94. There was a guy in Denver Who you should go to commie works and I knew his haircut looked familiar

You look when you look at somebody like their haircut looks familiar, but who am I? I'm called pills You know, I'm being badass. I got me bad. I got terrible habits Who am I to fuck around with somebody's hair kind of fucking terrible habits? And all of a sudden I got a call from the guy and he goes, hey, I'm doing a gig Uh, you know talking those days are 50 bucks. You know, I'm like, yeah, I'm beating it out And I show up and he comes to the door and he's got away 350 and he's got the belt on the whole Elvis suit and You know, I mean the guy is you know, that was gonna be like that. No, yeah, I knew the whole time

I was at home preparing for this shit. No, I'm like walking the fucking door. There he is I hate that bigger than life. I hate when they surprise you and he's like, I'm the Elvis impersonator. Just do 10 minutes in front of me And you know what? I think I was supposed to get 50 bucks. He gave me a yardstick Wow, and then he calls me three months later. He goes, hey, I opened up a bar hilarious So I get to this bar. It's Wednesday nights. He's the main act And he brings up three comedians at the end. He sings all those Elvis songs and he's fucking horrible Yeah, I mean, he's fucking horrible. He's smoking cigarettes his teeth are green. Yeah, he's boozing. He's fucking fat He had let himself go but sounds like Elvis

Yeah, it sounds like no voice. But you know what this guy did? He was an Elvis impersonator and someone That was his claim to fame. I mean the whole Inside of the club was Elvis themed, right? But it had a wall of write-ups about him, you know, all the awards he won and shit And he was a vagus boy and he was no good Maybe at some point, you know, I mean, you know at this point and he uh He fucking bought this club they bought him out In Vegas like they bought him out because his voice is so bad. I don't fucking know

And he went to colorado and opened up a fucking little bar like it wasn't even a bar guy It was like an old like a an old boutique that he turned into a bar during the week and he sang Elvis Hysterical hysterical, but you know what man? Whatever the guy said he would always pay me pay me double He never tried to stick a finger on my ass. He never did drugs or nothing But he always bought me a drink. He'd go take a drink, you know, don't I he goes I'm not going to give you two because I'm not going to be responsible for you driving, right? Even if you have money, I don't want you drinking here. Go drink next door. Yeah

But he was solid like he liked me as a comic and he always paid me and he didn't blow smoke on my ass It's not like he was going to make a video and take me to vegas thinking back and I forgot his name and I'm really sorry Good dude. He was just a terrible Elvis. Yeah I wonder if Elvis fucking no I think if Elvis came back to life, he'd shoot half these in person Like that's hell for Elvis like that's a great movie Elvis comes back and fucking back and kills all your fucking impersonators Let's say all the bad ones are the maker Instead of ice is coming in and shooting everybody

It's a fat Elvis with a missing leg and he's the capitated neck and shit He shoots people who goes to the kitchen. He takes something leaves and shit and the cops don't mess with him because it's Elvis They know it was the worst, bro He was the worst and he wasn't like he had no work They let him dress up like they dress him up like Santa around Christmas Let him wave at the trains and shit come in and you know like seasonal greeter, you know And uh, and he'd always like Like you'd see him and he'd be like, oh, you know, it's like kill the fuck out dude. Yeah

Just just us you're an alcohol. Yeah, you know fucking Elvis in person. You're not even in uniform You're in an alley right now And uh, his kids he made him be Pentecostal at four kids. No mom. He made him be Pentecostals kept him in the yard What's Pentecostal me? It just means they wear like big clothes and believe in like god like I think a lot You know, but they wear like just huge clothes like cheap clothes Like they look like like the kids look like rodeo clowns, you know, like they just look You know like and the girl let me feel her breasts actually one time through the bar They had a barbed wire fence around the house the girl let me feel some fucking titty

I fucking uh, what was her name? Let's say Barbara Barbara. I think I saw the fucking bar A fucking brass, right? Let me feel that fucking hard nipple through some tits through some fucking bar bar, right? Uh You see fucking tuna and ice cream every day and vomit on the bus dude. It's a people would fucking beat him up Wait a second. We'll eat the vaap. We'll eat the tuna first of the ice cream. I don't know He showed up with both of them already in them and people would fucking beat him that he'd already be sick It already be sick dude in the fucking dad

The dad uh, made the kid a wooden shirt one year for fucking christmas, dude made him a fucking shirt out of wood I'm coming up from church It's wednesday I swear to god, dude like cool or was it just like a big box that he was horrible I mean at the time it was cool You know at the time it was I mean it was kind of beautiful the kid like cried and shit when he when he put him in it I could have been at home right now watching empire jumping up and down with black people Yeah, fucking donuts and shit and you're over here telling me this crazy shit

Who else eats a mushroom on a wednesday? I'm sitting here going. What is wrong with me? I should know better, but I don't give a fuck anymore. I guess I touch to the point in my life Well, you know what? I look at my draw and I got kwayloons in there. I got fucking grenades Baby pacifiers, I gotta do all this shit that's in there baby pacifiers, but those are for you You know you look at all this mushrooms and you go on the road and you're like what the fuck People actually doing this shit every night and I'm sitting, you know Yeah, but my friends today where they were excited like you're going on fucking you're going with mad flavor dude We're gonna tune in, you know, I mean so I think that that

You know, we're getting a lift some of the dream that other people don't get to live, you know When you're sitting at home and you know, you're probably sitting next to your wife or your husband Um, or you know somebody you might not even fucking maybe you do love them still, but who knows, you know You need a little fucking speed bump, you know But yeah, that dude made his son a wooden shirt and then some kids spray finished swastikas on it, man Uh, yeah, they spray painted swastikas on the wood, but no, we didn't have we didn't have any jews either We didn't have anybody, you know people just seen like a swastik on like a pamphlet or something, you know But we didn't have any jews. It was just you know, just local art and somebody fucking spray painted

Now what was the population how many black people out of 2000? He probably had I would guess about 1100 brothers and they were gaining ground quick dude. You could be fucking at night If you put your ear up to the woods, that's what they would say No, no, but it was like any latinos in that no market at that time creeping in I'm gonna be one kid. How long have you been gone for now one kid? I've been gone for From that town. I've been gone for I left everyone. I was probably Maybe 13. I've been gone. Yeah. I'm 36 now. Whatever that is 23 years. Thanks late. That's a real jew even with mushrooms fucking

I don't even need to calculate him. He could be passed out. He'll just pop his head 23 And he'll go right back to sleep a little sleep after he's still giving estimates They have one mexican kid this kid Nicholas man the raper he fucking is supposed to write rapper on his shirt Oh, oh, yeah, that's a raper. Yeah, they fucking wrote raper. They expelled him. That was the first mexican we ever had What is it? When's your dad spanish? Oh, man, my dad was nicaraguan. I'm Polish nicaraguan. I'm one of the few, you know There's probably 11 of us out there Polish nicaraguan that is fucking crazy

Yeah, man, so it's getting fucking so when you were 13, where'd you move done? Move to this neighboring town. I wouldn't like live with a family. They had like, uh Like I got emancipated and then live with a different family. So they were cool. They were cool at least more organized It was more it's crazy because I always think when my mom died We didn't do no paperwork Yeah, like I just moved into people's houses. I just changed my address at school. That's it. There was no fucking paperwork I didn't do nothing. That was it fucking crazy Yeah, what's weird about when something like that happens when you're young is that there's no

There's no real stop like life just goes on. That's when you realize that life just fucking goes on when something heavy like that happens You lose a parent and the next day is just there. It's like and then the next day is there I spoke to a teacher of mine that just lost his mom this guy's 64 60 fucking four and he's like I think a year Every day since my mom died because I can't imagine how you did it It's being like bulletproof. Are you like bulletproof at that age? You don't even know what's going on But it catches up with you All that shit catches up. You caught up with me five years later. Really? Yeah

Yeah, I hit home because you're young you're involved in activities You have so much going on. Yeah, that never really sets in it sets in like level four And then through the years you still have to pay for that Yeah, you still don't have to do that work or go talk to somebody for me. It was just fucking Going in the closet by myself at night and getting high for 12 hours. Damn 11 hours. That's how that's That's when you know Like I got high like anybody else you do a couple lines you giggle Yeah, but then the fucking grams chopped up between four people

Become grams divided by two people. Oh, yeah, and then all of a sudden one night you find yourself with a package at home Like you you actually like you split the gram and you can have two bumps at home Oh, yeah, I should have brought more and that's the beginning of the end That's yeah, I've been at the end before people don't know the beginning of the end It's when you start going home The end by yourself You're knowing you're like i'm locking the door. Yeah, I got booze. I got ice cubes. I got pornography. I got pornography I got straws. I got everything. I don't need nobody

That's the worst Fucked up. That's when your mind is somewhere else. Oh when it's 7 a.m. You're tugging on a fucking hot dick. It's limp Oh You're in the shower now trying to fantasize a fourth grade banging It's horrible. It's a horrible existence, but damn it's cool when you're out with people and talking You know, you get in your car and there's no more blow And nobody has to go get another package. That's when it's fun those days. It's gone. Okay What are we doing now? I don't know. We smoke pot. Everybody passes out. That's it

But then one day that's how it starts you by yourself And then you start calling people when you by yourself to get more Yeah, I thought yeah I used to go that I've done that recently. I used to go to Elkham Padre by Graham At nine o'clock. Damn over there on Sunset. Yeah, and then run home do the whole gram in two lines And by one o'clock start coming down and I call another guy that was a dj And he would come over at 115 130 when he got off work on somewhere in hollywood that What the fuck did I call?

I called him something I don't know my brain is fucking traveling right now, bro. I feel like a spaceship Just fucking took off a lot of my head. How about you? How you feeling? That was a good explanation. What's going on? I'll go with that We got hit hard I'm more tired than anything. I didn't sleep last night. You didn't no I got home from we got home at 12 30 last night Yeah, well, I went in the house drank some water took my shoes off put the tv on. I thought it was 1115. Yeah Next you know, it's two and it was

12 fucking 30 12 25 Lee called me like at 12 35 To say I'm walking in my door or something. You said, yeah, I think I stayed up till one Then I went to bed, but I didn't fall asleep. It didn't hit home I said toss and turn and toss and turn and think about you said Think about who is there, you know, it's too real when you're there. So right sometimes you go to those parties or functions And you see somebody like Theo Vaughn, but he's talking And I'm talking

And Theo's cool. Theo knows dog. We're talking business or this chick's a pigeon I'm taking this victim home with me. Oh, there's always something and you go home and that hits you that night You had to say hello, Theo, right? I feel bad. I didn't see you Theo. That's the shit that I go through Before you go to sleep. That's nice because you're a friendly dude that that a lot of people brought when that shit doesn't go through your head I think that's when you're You know, that's when something's wrong. Well, you're getting high. Listen, you're getting high. You're having a cocktail So sometimes The fucking uh camera moves really fast. Yeah, it's not till you go home and look at the paperwork. Look at the film

Yeah, you're editing the film. Oh, yeah, you're seeing what's going on Now is when you see Oh, shit. I fucking saw Theo there. Yeah, leave. Did you see Theo there? Yeah, what happened to? I don't know. He was talking to someone. He didn't say hello to you No, was he mad? No, he smiled, but he was talking to some broad and some guy and they were talking about videos And next thing, you know, you're off and the next morning you'll say the same thing. Yeah, I seen Joey there last night The fuck happened. How the fuck did I talk to him? I didn't talk to him. That's what happened You know, you go home and you play that channel and I wasn't drinking

I don't drink. Yeah, I just smoked out. I can't imagine if I I remember when I used to drink and after decipher the night The next morning you just wake up and just lay in bed for 10 minutes. Yeah, you pee you grab something to drink you sit back down And you're like, well, what the fuck happened? And you see little flashes and then, you know, you put shit together and the next thing, you know, your buddy calls you Did you really hook up with that girl? What happened to that fucking monster? It's always some fucking monster, dude Bro, I remember this one girl. I brought uh

We had this thing for a while if you would visqueen a chick, right? And that's if you would bring a chick home and she would fall asleep or at her place or at your place And you'd put like a piece of visqueen over a body, right? It's like, uh, you know what it is, it's like that that that material Yeah, the raiders keep rain on the stuff right the fuck Yeah, because I hear like if you really want to kind of spook a girl then uh That's like if I hear from a woman I heard who woke up under some visqueen once She said it was a scariest experience of her life, bro

So then we were like, oh, we got to do this as some chicks, right? So we had this thing They went fucking put this clean over Is it like the blue thing that they put down? It always has holes at the end because they always need to rope it together It's clear. No, it's clear. It's the clear stuff. Oh the clear stuff. Okay. Now. Okay. Okay. It's that It's a little thicker. Yeah, it's a little thicker, bro. Yeah visqueen. Okay, you wake up You know what I used to use that for roofing. Yeah, it's for that It's for the first layer of roofing in colorado. You got to use visqueen

Because it's cold. It was cold at the time the first 18 inches or something like that Yeah, yeah, it's a little thicker But this shit comes with glue on it. No, it doesn't who the fuck What the fuck do I know? I don't know. I mean, but there's about 30 chicks out there that woke up under some fucking visqueen You know, you are Is this a board of visqueen on them? No boards. No boards. That's fucking gangsta dog Just a visqueen just a visqueen. I'm sure they wake up and they think they've been murdered, you know They probably think they're gonna see a detective when they pull that shit off, right?

Oh my god, it's gangsta, son. If you could do that, that's gangsta Uh, yeah, we did that dude. When you watch them wake up or when you just Fuck no, we wouldn't watch them wake up. Fucking dexter Damn dog, we left, dude I don't know. No, we had to go to the airport. I'm sorry, Leon. I'm not trying to be rude You call him dexter Oh No, listen, I know leo a long time leo always asks you the million dollar question. Oh, yeah, at least no for a million dollar question

This is a fucking podcast Motherfuckers laughing giggling for real fucking monsters. Don't get me wrong Some of this mushroom powder is helping this fucking laughter. We'll listen to this tomorrow and go. What the fuck are we talking about? What the fuck is wrong with this? You fucking hamster kill us out. Do you have loosen up from time to time people? Every once in a while you gotta take the stick out of your ass and giggle And wake up the next morning go wow take out a mexican girl. Fuck a girl. You don't even know what she's saying, brah You know, I mean But make sure the expression on her face is positive

You know what I'm saying? Because otherwise that shit might be illegal But that used to be something I would do when I got into town, man I would have somebody set me up with a girl who I didn't know what she was saying at all You know go out and I would just try to use like my You know, it's like uh regular at you know, like just it's almost like playing clue. It's like playing it's like Playing charades, but you're fucking at the end. You know, that's what it's like, dude Take somebody out. You don't know learn. Look at me. He's looking like what a media girl Take a girl out from Nairobi or from fucking, uh, china, you know, somewhere

What do you want to be? No, it's just interesting because I was telling Steve Simone like you were talking to like a group of five or six guys last night and you like Could talk to every all of them at once with like command it like the circle and it's just I can't do that and it's something like it's like a Something I'd always want to do. I don't know. It's just cool to like Like I'm always a more one-on-one kind of person

Yeah, but to be able to talk to to command the attention of like six people It was it was just cool to watch. I wish I could be more one-on-one people tell me I can't I'm not good one-on-one So I I'd trade with you Yeah When it's people like that you just telling the story You know, that's the shit I used to do growing up in hashways What is eight motherfuckers hanging on the corner? If you got a what a

Well, I grew up if you want to say a word and people pay attention, you better be funny You got one shot at this right because this eight motherfuckers Oh, especially in your area. I'm sure yeah In the southeast had to be able to speak and when you bang you better bang right listen to you because you only got like four Bangs left right then people won't pay attention to you Oh, yeah All right, keep it up. No, but quit your day job. Whatever I

Yeah, dude, I used to be the funnest man. I was making people laugh at the lunch table, man That was the funnest thing until they had milk spray out of the nose. That's when I would leave And I'll always be the bell will ring everybody be back in class. I mean one motherfucker would just keep listening for some reason And I would just hold him by his fucking arms across the table and keep telling him shit until they Just sprayed out of his nose and then I would leave dude You know, they had a the first wigger I ever met was from our town, bro I think the first wig ever man this kid named brine st. Pierre bro and They put him in class dude that was trying to be black. Yeah, he was a white dude. They put him move from

I don't fuck nowhere, bro. He fucking just you know, he was raised like Kind of like, you know, he was like moguli You know, like he was just fucking spent a little bit of time on the other side of town, you know And the brothers really got a hold of him And uh, it was cool though. He was a cool dude Mowgli He was bro. He was like a mowgli, you know, my whole body just sugar. I thought it was an earthquake That's an inner yoga, bro

That's an inner yoga. But look man, they put him in the fucking Middley handicap class because they'd never seen him before They'd never seen him before they put him in class with kids with Down syndrome with kids with In wheelchairs, they put him What just a dude? Couldn't he just be like, hey guys, I'm just just the way I want to talk. I don't even know what the fuck you're saying I'll leave right now. You sound like them right now. They'll probably put you in that class I don't even know what you're saying

You like that fucking They put the winger and in the Special class that's who you sounded. That's what that dude sounded like. I wanted a dollar today Cousin it I'm over here, you know Before we started leak, I think he was here to buzz it in the mic. Oh my god people we started late Because we was looking around the room like Now he's making a buzz in the mic. Listen to him. He's the walking buzz over here

Oh When I was when I was 19 I went to the movies with Louis Castellito And this dude Kurt de lorenzo. It was the night after acdc at the palladium It was like summer in 1980. Yeah, it was right after acdc came back So it was a saturday night. We were going to the movies to watch. I had no idea On the way back Me and Castellito gave each other a look And all Kurt kept saying I hear something

Because the night before we did acid and blow uh-huh and throughout the whole night. He kept saying He kept saying I keep hearing my ears rig, you know You're fucking 16 and you do a gram of blow Listen him and I did we've stopped One of the most awkward people I grew up in a cocaine culture. So I knew when people were doing it. My mom's hand would stick close to the tip Yeah, a little fucking little t-rexon. What's a little t-rexon? My mom was one of those Like he thought it belonged to somebody else. Oh shit, right? So I knew the hand movement

When I was 16 I got a job at rendolumba and there was a guy there who blew my fucking mind I There was a little chip in my tongue now. I forgot the fucking guys I just forgot what I was talking about. They really don't matter the guy was an irish dude really nice guy But once he did one line of coke Every inhibition every physical Strength he had was all and he would do like duck faces in his hand His name is jack for fin

Jack fin And I'll never forget the one day you walked in, bro. He started fucking swimming. Oh my god. It was fucked up on the Saturday And he walks into work. I'm 16. He walks into work all fucked up. That's the first time I heard that expression He goes boss. Let me get a hundred on the arm till monday and the boss looks at me because my arms are heavy and walked away I'll never forget Jack fin was a fiend Yeah, but once he started once he if he the word on the street was jack fin is tremendous

Until alcohol hits his tongue, right? Then it's a diff you should have seen it And he was tremendous. He'd give you money when he was drunk. He was a great guy But just to see the transformation But jack fin had something else Jack fin hung on a dirty bar in we hawking which is We hawking sounds fucking but I got some gutter pussy. This is this is 1980 before fucking They started breaking those stones. Wow the people that hung on we hawking were fucking savages Damn, they sold his cocaine. They're just looking at it

Fucked with your eyes And I had put it in the white drain. Oh out there the night acdc came back to the palladium Oh, we should sell hamsters at the acdc shows full circle. We just stopped with the fuck I'm sorry This is when bonds got died and the brine johnson joined the band is how old I am This was fucking huge him and me and kurt were walking into the city and we go Where we gonna get coked? We're gonna take a bus from union city, new jersey. We go. Let's

Take a cab down a we hawk and we saw jack fin And for 50 bucks he gave us a bottle and we got out of there We got back on the cab we made the cab wait for us and the cab we did little bumps of coke This is when it came to the bottle with a spoon There was not a gram in there. They had to be like nine tenths of a gram Right me and kurt kept doing it and it was august 2nd 1980 and it had to be 95 What's the temperature 95 degrees but 100 percent humidity in new york city, right?

And I'll never forget I had lead jeans on with a white t-shirt and sneakers And that's the first time ever that Even after the fact that I got home you thought you might be no My pants were drenched and my socks were drenched from my sweat Wow, like I had sweat so much at this concert that I jumped up and down so much. Yeah, I mean it's a good feeling Then in the concert me and kurt popped the acid And we had like vodka and gatorade We're drinking. Well, how old are you guys 16 16 17 toms. We're fucking lit

Yeah, we get out of the concert. We still got a half that viola blow. Yeah, we're on the train We're on the whatever the train back to new york. Fuck. We're doing bumps You guys are a couple of so we didn't finish the gram kurt went home I went to wherever I was living next morning. I wake up. There's coke. I'm fucked up So the next day it's a light night right in those days that was called a light night That was a friday night or whatever. Yeah, it was a friday night. So saturday Saturday to go to the world. So let's go to the movies. Yeah, so we went to the movie but that whole day kurt kept saying Look my ears are still ringing from the blow last night. That's how good that coke was

So we went to the here's the whole day passes that morning. He said it But the whole day passes we're at a movie now We walk out of that 11 o'clock at night. I never forget it was raining And we're walking back down from fairview new jersey into north bergen. It's fucking raining and kurt kept saying Guys my ears are still ringing And all of a sudden I go I look at digger and digger looks at me and we play it And we're like I hear some ringing too. Kurt looks at me and I'm like, yeah, I hear some ringing I hear some ringing. I fucking sold it. You know, he done. Yeah, I fucking hear it

I can't believe it when Kurt's like you guys hear it This ain't me. What the fuck and there was a pothole There was a pothole like eight feet away. I just rained there was gutta water in that kurt ran over Took that pothole water and started splashing And he's like, okay, I'm good now. You guys still hear the ring. I'm like, we fucking hear it He just took off with that puddle water Oh my god, did you ever see him again? Yeah, the next day He just died six months ago. Oh, man. He bought a subway sandwich went outside and opened it and killed the whole flat

He didn't even eat the sandwich. He just looked at it and killed them That's how he died That's the truth. He just bought a subway sandwich and he fucking had a heart attack. He walked outside You got us Mr. Quiz. No, I'm telling you though That subway I should have killed him motherfucker. I've been telling me for years one day. He's like, you know man I don't know I thought about what you said man, and I think you're right. Those people have no respect the bread

I had a guy who worked at subway told me Lee was in that twice a day every fucking day of attention, dog Damn, that's how This motherfucker had a loyalty cause Damn, bro. He knew the mexicans in the hands. He got that chick that don't lift the right hand because he got hit by a car He won't fuck. He knew her name. He knew I knew the shifts They got a one hand is you their shifts. Oh, he knew shifts. He knew who gave you more lettuce. Jesus fucking Christ They knew who I'm telling you. He was like the fucking college sister, man. Wow, bro

That's crazy Lorenzo in real life died Fucking six months ago. That's the piece like everybody. It was shocking. Yeah He bought a subway saying that how they knew was they had to get the cameras from the subway saying which And they sit down and open it up. He smelled that motherfucker I didn't kick the bucket Is your dear friend It's that man, dude, I rest in peace. Yeah, rest in peace. Oh my god, man. I uh First concert dude first concert I ever went to

Uh, there's pedophile took us right. I'm not even joking, dude. Rest in peace. He's dead. It's too richard langenstein, bro His family owned a fucking deli dude every new one's famous me. How did he bring you to a concert? My little girlfriend at the time Jessica we met him at church, right because he was uh, I guess he was uh daylight and as a decent person, right? So we met him at church, okay, so I was like, hey, you know, that's um And they called him big richard bro because he was big and he had all the fucking You know, his skin was scab and I'd be had different colors on his arms and we're like You know the fucking lord's leopard print was fucking coming out of him, right?

Oh my god So we went over to his house. Well, let's go to his house and I'll take him some cookies on sunday and watch the saint's game With him right now for not we should aid their second step No, oh, yeah, I'm crying. Oh my god. I'm crying and I have no words. I'm sorry. Keep going I'm sorry I just want to let you know I'm fucked up to the gills There's a lot of nights. I can't even fuck. I walk out of here. He's all fucked up. I don't get it Tonight is my god's punishment. I'm fucked up. I should have not ate that second

That shit was grown and fucking cow shit I could still taste it in my mouth. I need to go home and list the ring two times So we went over to the dude's house, right we took some cookies over there. I watched a saint's game Then he started substitute teaching the school. I was going to big Richard Big Richard and the kids listen I'm going over my buddy To what to come with this old man. I want well

I told the guy like my parents is out of the picture. I told the girl's parents like, uh, did we She was there with the mother was there. We met him at church. You're like, yeah, that's sweet y'all go over there Substitute at the school. Yes. We saw some I didn't realize at the time like now I realized it's ironic the dude starts fucking subbing because I'll be honest I was a handsome kid, you know The dude starts subbing. I have fucking long hair beautiful hair fucking strong and the fucking You know fucking chest and shoulders like a fucking like the strongest french bulldog you've ever seen, right? so

We go over this house then the next time I see him at substitute at the school Then he's like, yeah, come back over on my my girl can't come. He's like, oh, just come over watch a saint's game, right? I'll come over he breaks out a little bit of herb right gets me high, right? So then the next couple of times I start bringing my friends over there, dude Then he starts fucking like getting us all stones and everybody was smoking out of apples and we're doing all kinds of fancy Stunts, you know, just fucking herb stunts, you know, my buddy scott my buddy glenn We're having a herb enough with uh, big richard, you know, and we kind of you smoke a little extra with him because you think He might die, you know, he's older. He's in his 80s, you know

You gotta respect the game This guy got dick. He he just saw an ice cream truck. He got hard Yeah, he just wanted a kid to look at it Ali and still pervert so he was out there pv and bro So one time dude, uh, and I'll tell you how we found out that he was a pervert, right? So gullible, bro, I could have been molested a million times like I would tell this molesters if you're out there, bro Do you have so many fans i'm sure you got about 30 fucking child molester fans statistically Statistically statistically, dude, can you be in here statistically, bro?

You already got 30 fans of the child molesters. You missed your chance. I'm gonna say that You missed your fucking chance with this kid dynamite, dude Because I was gullible, bro, and I was a good kid and I was strong, bro I had some long hair, but uh, anyway, uh, well fuck It's telling you the story or not Give me a rookie update me so you even know what the story was about. Do you know? I knew a second ago, but now You just keep going went from where you told it because there's good people. All right, so the child molester, bro

We didn't know we just thought he was an 80 year old man. So he had like a full career Yes, dude, like in our town you could be 80 and still substitute each other. That's right So that's I Peace coming out fucking green. Oh my fucking dick feels all lit up. Oh, how's your dick got to do it? You don't leave we're gonna have to do heroin on this show Not tonight though, man. Not tonight. Okay, good. I think I'm gullible I'm gonna have to get a guest that's down

That'll be really like that. That'll be the end like unless y'all have never done it I might do it with y'all first time was there when I was locked up. Oh, you've done it Yeah, but never with a needle like I'm a pussy. I would never do it later But now I can handle it with a needle. I'll put santan on and the itunes and look the other way on the iPod and look the other way This is a little black chick down at bobo that chick. You don't even feel it taking the blood out of y'all Oh When I walk in there in the bobo when I gotta give a physical or whatever I always see and I get happy Because I'm dead serious. Yeah, she's been the she's a champ, huh?

There's a little filipina jerk up here Up at this one up here in the valley Fucking martin st. Loren whenever that hospital is over here I'm just saying they always give names to all the hospitals Who gives a fuck just right hospital on the side? I just want to know where I go You think I'm gonna go drive me to fume name. I don't think that's a hospital name It is a fucking Fucking no, would I look like I'm sophisticated? I'm not sophisticated, dude. I'm not um

But here I just want to at least let everybody know that the pedophile died out of someone people thinking Oh, yeah, he was 80. I couldn't even see him be 90 and still pedophiler Jesus christ a 90 year old pedophile. Nobody has not been doing that fucking job He took us to a Marilyn Manson concert my first concert ever been to dude He was probably about 82, right? We were 14, bro He takes us to man center 15 But we I remember being in a bathroom me and my buddy scott and uh, somebody's like how old is those kids? And somebody else is like oh, they're fucking like 13 and I remember the some of the guy going oh, somebody's gonna fuck them

That's what the dude said, bro In the bathroom an adult what it's like what dude, and then we're back in the audience to say that Can I even go home and go what happened to those two kids? Get fucked I'm gonna say my prayers. How can you say your prayers? Don't you say what happened to those two kids? They might be getting fucked right now. Nobody intervened What fucking savage would say that to some kids? What a heartless fucking mop it monster. What about their parents like what was it just like freed like, uh, babysitting?

No, I don't know Where were the parents his parents went home watching daytime television He's 14. He told me he was going to the library to do a fucking book report And the girl told her parents the same thing But they already had it worked out with this 82 year old pedophile That we'll go to the madison maryland master concert and after the concert. We'll see what happens What did he dress like David? Did he dress like an old man or did he dress like a man? No, he dressed like fucking tom johns

What does he look like he's dressed like in your vision of him? It was even like an old man with like khakis and a brown belt What difference would it make what difference would it make he's a fucking dude? He can't disguise you Tom Ford of pedophiles I give a fuck he's a profiler of pedophiles You can't put pedophiles where? Who the fuck are 82? Yeah And they're going to Marilyn Manson concerts

Like I didn't know we were like the jeans and the shirt like the Marilyn Manson shirt and let you Try to rock out in 82. What dude? What are you fucking saying? I'm not blaming it on you, bro. I am fucking lit, bro. We're so yeah Fucking Asian Americans right there fucking Coco What's the matter Lee? It's a beautiful fucking night to be alive people. This is it You can sit there and go, uh, I owe this guy 800. I owe this guy. Oh, you can fucking giggle your way That's true, dude. Fuck you or everybody. Fuck many a night. I sat there

Cd is wasting my time Laying there wasting your time whatever and at the end they're gonna do dick What changed it for you man? Because I did this. I literally felt like I spent the last 13 years in a lot I still fucking sit there at night like a momo, you know Listen, man, it's a it's a it's a DNA thing with me. You know, I'm the type of guy if I go out before I come home I drive by lease You know, oh, I drive by Felicia's anybody in my Burke Christchers just to make sure the house is not on fire Yeah, it's not like I knock on the door and go, hey, Joey's out here patrol in the area. No, I just drive

Joey's out here fucking using facial moisturizer I'll be honest, bro. I use fucking facial moisturizer, bro. I'll admit some shit, dude I'll get some shit off my chest. I use facial moisturizer, bro Uh, what else dude? Uh I fucking wet the bed till I was 28 I still wet the bed Not not every week. Yeah, not every week like a fucking fucking week. I didn't go fucking be shown once a year I'll pee in the bed and go fucking let it go. Let go. Yeah one go. Yeah. Once a year. I say this ain't for you toilet

No, I keep it from myself I do like into like middle school. You did. Yeah, it was tough I don't know it's hot because like you can't control it that is true You can't control it and other kids like you can't go sleep at other kids houses Uh, you gotta sit there like a fucking You gotta come to summer camp. I can't yeah, you can you gotta bring special sheets Yeah, you know, yeah, you sure I used to have to bring special sheets when I went to sacred heart I used to have those special the one that they put under the sheets

Like a fucking rubble like a baby and it sounded when you got on the bed. It sounded like fucking You know, like young grandma's friend. It sounds like it's like a break Dude, they used to have a buzzer Did they ever give you that the buzzer if it got wet it would go off and wake you up? No They had these buzzer underwear and in the early 90s or late 80s And I remember they gave them to me if it buzzed if it buzzed and it went off it would wake you up And uh, you know the back of the cushion. Oh, it was a bad idea for sure I'm sure some fucking I'm sure some fucking retort that second stem. We

That was dude. Yeah, I gotta fucking be on stage in a little while. Yeah, you might as well call up now You think oh, yeah, you ain't driving You know, okay, I But I didn't smoke any weed though doesn't matter that shit tell that shit lies to you Mushrooms lie to you all those simple side mushrooms acid they lie to you like I just got a good laugh You get in the car you start that motherfucker. I'll send you get that second rush. Yeah, this is deadly shit It just comes at you like a way Yeah, you might as well we got some weed we got some record players

You know That's it. Listen to music fucking get stoned I didn't bring enough weeds. The leading of the fucking wants to get high. So I just brought a little canister for you Dude, I'll tell you the child molest. Let me just at least yeah, he died. He died in prison everybody So I don't people so he did get arrested at the end. Well, yeah, here's how we knew finally one time When he went and got stakes with us and my buddy was in the kitchen I was in the kitchen. I know a good one's coming. I was in the kitchen And my buddy was sitting in the living room with him

And I said I yelled back in the living room. I said, hey, uh, big richard I said do you have any sour cream? And uh, my buddy scott who's sitting when him yells back No, but you can have some of this sweet cream Right and then I hear big richard who's sitting there sitting next to my buddy Say to him, can I have some that's what he said and that's when it all changed in our heads Like he's not as a friendly older dude buying the stakes and smoking us out Yeah, brother. He's a fucking mad man. It's got that fucking who's goose is loose and he's looking to fucking touch some young jump

He wants to feel like a young fucking pumping his hands You know So anyway You know, I sit here in front of you Like a man I tell you that I was in front. I grew up around some fucked up people. Yeah, like I didn't know till years later You know like now how they died that died in prison But I grew up around some fucked up people like my mom took chances of me being in that bar

Yeah, she took a big chance of me when I was a kid. She'd tell me I don't like getting the fucking bar because any night shit's gonna happen in that ball When I was young young young, I saw the gay guy martin pull a gun on Are not doing this brother in that like in the afternoon like a two in the afternoon over The word money gone over the word faggot in spanish That was the first time I pulled a gun all tremendous gay fella tremendous tremendous And then that was that and then another night there was an incident where two guys pulled a gun And I was in there. I must have been about 11

And after that my mom's like, you know what man? That's it. No more the bar shit, but it was my world It was my little fucking world that little stock office in the back was me the area was me Is that you Lee wasn't fucking snowing over there? Somebody's howling. I'm thinking like it's like my emphysema and it's fucking. We got the fucking window I'm like fuck my emphysema is acting up. It's fucking lee over there passed out Snowing up a storm. Fuck I left it like I'm fucking dude I know what man. I sit here sometimes That's what I think about at night like these fucking guys that was around

And not once or that I asked to touch somebody's dick like I read some of this testimony Yeah, my heart stops. Oh, yeah, because I didn't come from this world not At all like not at all one time in the eighth grade. I fucking gotten some guy's car And his hands looked and he touched my dick and now I think about you know, not an accident No, it was purposely he touched my dick on the way up just to see my reaction And if I was meek, he would have attacked Wow at the light the door opened and I just ran out of there with the basketball And it's so weird. I've been thinking about this topic because now I have a child

And you have to watch him, you know, and I was talking to my sister-in-law And my sister-in-law was the sweetest person in the world And she got molested. No, and she told me one day and we were talking and she doesn't do me a favor Now that you have a child. I just want you to know something trust nobody. Wow You don't watch those people Do surprise attacks don't trust nobody or your kid. Yeah. Yeah, and you have to yeah She's a christian chick don't curse don't drink don't smoke dope You know, this isn't like a paranoid individual. She raised the daughter

And I know there was issues one time and there was issues with a guy the church that was a pastor You know, why do you think they go to the church, man? Just a safe place, huh? They probably go to the church because honestly, they probably feel like they really need god They just don't want I mean, why do people keep bringing their children to michael china? Even after it's like the people who get up. I was those people a cokes not for nothing. You can't smoke coke You're gonna die And we kept snorting coke anywhere. You can't keep smoking cigarettes

We keep smoking cigarettes So you can't go to mcdonald's and eat cheeseburgers But we love it That's one thing but for you to bring a child A child to somebody that you know is a fucking pervert To give you two million That's fucking crazy for years. Those people should be burned, man. I'm saying burn them, bro Talk for years. I lived with a woman that grew up in a cult

And the fucking stories were beyond belief I mean, I got some stories that are beyond belief if you want to get down and and really get down But why go there, right? There's no reason to go there. Yeah, that's why I keep you. I mean what this girl told me made me hate her parents Because again, I don't give a fuck what you do I don't give a fuck about what you do But for you to drag your kid down the dark cave

What's up? What's going on, buddy? You're right over you're right over there. You want to go outside and get some air? Okay Tell me the truth. You want to go outside and get some air? Let me do some fucking let me do some fucking call a shout-out to you. We'll wrap this I think I see idea. He's feeling fucked up Now don't start let them get electrocuted. It's all right. We need somebody to get electrocuted on this show I got electrocuted when I was younger, man. Actually, you know who saved me, bro

I mean, it's a brother saved me, man And I don't know if you're out there. Would you stop already? You got electrocuted. Yeah, the fair That's a fair thing. They used to let us come in a day early to the fair to test the rides. We didn't know We didn't know we didn't know we were getting kids 30 cents get on the rides Please on the ones and twos now Like a fucking I'm not afraid Oh

Lee we don't give a fuck You get up you need help to get up and you get some air you're not gonna vomit on the fucking table The cannon hit Lee man We went out three nights in a row He got me doing mushrooms on a monday night. My main man the australian warrior arse warrior my man conrad leclerc burning sage parish mickey pearly sweet cake

bobby and crystal my main people in austin representing a man freddy kareya over there fucking comic of the year in vegas Lance almond strop my dog and my fucking band hero jr Making it fucking happen rest in peace, man. That bad motherfuckers. Oh, they die. I thought I was people who died Is it all I think people die. They're still alive and kicking me. I think I'm calling them out if they were dead I wouldn't give two frenchmen Lee, how you feeling you need some air you need some water Man talk to me. I'm fine. I'm fine. I was really I'm good. Don't keep telling me you're fine though I'm gonna throw my dates

Throw my dates, you know, throw my dates it you can do whatever you want. Hold on. We ain't even close enough My bad, man. I'm fucked up, dude No, no, no, don't fucking ever say that man. You're a great guest. You made me fucking die laughter here To see you and lee tonight is a fucking the way to end the month. This is this is a true fucking Labor day. Whatever the fuck it is. What is it memorial day memorial? It's a week of soldiers. Yes Gotta pull out the fucking flag if you're a fucking soldier and shit Represent these motherfuckers who get on a plane to go stab people who are fucking creepy. They're warriors, dude I could never do that. They really do you think about it. I never do the time you have to take a minute

I could stab somebody fucking you don't listen dog. That's the problem that everybody has to wear a suit Or a fucking flag on their lapel. That's all bullshit. Amen It's 10 minutes of your time when you're on the balcony smoking a joint go Jesus christ Look at the fucking freedoms that I have. Yeah, look at the freedoms that I have right now. I'm not doing dick Yeah, there's a dude right now who's smoking a joint over there in warzone, but it's because for the last 16 hours He's been getting hit with fucking shrapnel and body parts and smelling fucking people getting lit on fire And here I am complaining because I gotta get up in four hours Ain't that a fucking bitch. You know what I'm saying? Amen

So you always gotta think uh, that's the real memorial day. It's not about a fucking barbecue and You know gotta look go look at a wall make believe you give a fuck Yeah, I just realize and what happened and going to Jesus christ. That's the biggest thing is realization Yes getting on a fucking plane and going over there to a foreign place and People talking to you to fuck the language and then they're trying to attack you. You don't know who's who they all look like lisa yet You're like what the fuck is going on in my world? Yeah, they don't know you want to fuck So this netflix special you're doing well with it It's got great numbers of people really like it. I feel like some people

I think people like it Uh, but you just don't know it just it just inspired me it gives you a chance I know you you know putting out a special now and you get to see yourself a little bit It gives you a chance to step away from that and now for the first time I feel like You know people recognize me as a comedian. I have fans for the first time You know and so I feel like that's like a blessing. I didn't really realize it before I thought I had a million fans That's a lot of that's in your head But now I feel like I have a real fan to like want to know what's going on

Like I had people that were excited. I was coming here today, you know, and so that's good, man She made me feel like That's shit, man. We feel fucking human, dude You know Poorly he's having a hard fucking time. He's beautiful now He's a beautiful. He's just got the fucking lord running through his face I love that bro. That's Christ. That's Christ reaching for him. You can see that If you've been with the podcast since day one you can see that Lee is the fucking man and tonight we finally fucking

Lee I could see it. I could see after this podcast goes you have no idea people see I'm the motherfucker who sees him an hour after this And sees how funny Lee is and he'll pass out right in front of you. Yeah Oh, yeah, he's an animal. He turns the lights off with a black sabbathound who come to life every like eight minutes and chains that I'm getting scared And that's the crazy part some people would be like, ah, that's fucked up But to be brave enough to just let yourself go like that and relax like that. That's a beauty that He's looking for fucking Easter baskets

Bro, you know, that's beautiful, dude When you fucking just lift down and start looking for Easter baskets, bro You know when you feel like the fucking brothers ain't chasing you anymore Like I'll I'll be honest what you do 90% of my day He's thinking about brothers chasing I feel like they got fucking brothers only two blocks over leave the brothers alone. Will you Honestly, the brothers a little name-balling nobody

They ain't chasing nobody. I know I know that no, I'm just saying that's what I just think in my head Do you want me to share? No, no, I had the same problem And it just wasn't brothers I had 15 different people chasing me I'm the real fucking deal. I had struggles of our kids I had countries you never even heard of and shit people chasing me Lee wake up You need some fucking air you want another star to balance you out. What do we need here? I don't need another star to balance me out. That's what you need. You need some pH

The star I got so he gives me I don't think you know what pH is Listen pH one. It's a beautiful thing What we do is he's got special stars to have a special pH to bring you back to life. I feel like a fucking christmas traveler right now I'm telling you dog. This is the way to do it on a fucking thursday night. It really is man Sitting around with your little fucking buddies. All right, two fucking cocoa Diaz. We did it I'll be in cleveland next weekend at hilarity's. Nope. I'm actually at the uh hard rock casino Look at you right downtown in the middle of everything hard rock rock. No, it's not the motherfuckers Uh, so i'm looking forward to that. That's uh friday through sunday in cleveland the week after that

Give me the paperwork and then where you're at The week after that because it's already the end of may you know that joey No, shit. I'm thinking about the same fucking thing. I don't really think of my june 1st Damn right because I got no business till june 8th. Yeah, I'm at the hard rock rock casino in cleveland It's actually in the birds man hard rock rock casino in cleveland northfield it's called um june 3rd through the 5th and then i'm at punchline in atlanta June 9th through the 12th. You catch me on dug benson's podcast. I'll be on his podcast there too

I think they're taping that there then i'm going to the beach with my family We'll be down here and fucking saint joes Fuck I don't know if it's alabama or florida. It's gonna be fucked up. I'll be vlogging a little bit of that I've dropped a vlog on youtube. You can check it out. It's called this past weekend And I'll be with my family and then uh, that's it, man If I can just say it crazy shit now. I'm so fucked up in july. I'll be in uh You're like man Next man

He He whips out the web page he says dropping dates in I'll be giving blood And this is the poor fucking zombo go get some air ready you fuck you gotta sit there. Hmm. Like a Buddhist who's been shot Hey, but look in typical memorial day fashion. We ain't leaving this fucking soldier We ain't fucking leaving this wounded warrior, man, and just thank you guys so much for having me The warriors you see those people ripped themselves up. I love dog. I hate fucking those people I hate all those fucking fake foundations all his fake foundations, man. Yeah, it is sad when people do that kind of

Anyway, why put a way drag a dog in here? You want to give you money bro? Give you money to your fucking neighbor find somebody who you know in person that fucking a black dude is 7 11 We ain't bothering nobody there you go first. Not the door who's polite. All right There you go first one at the door is polite and I will be at that barbecue I haven't had it you know, I know you're not let's do this shit All right, listen, hold on one second. He's in the church of what's happening now. Listen, you're unique You don't walk like anybody you don't talk like anybody you don't sleep like anybody So why is your mattress one size fits all?

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I'd be fucking without the alpha brain cycle. I do without my hemp force protein. You want steroids or not? No, look at me. I'm a fat fuck. What steroids if I was on steroids. I had muscles I've been choking him right now. I'd be helping him out right now. Oh, it's got him I didn't know no, you know, but he looks strong Fuck dog. They got no muscle dog. That could be fat. Give me muscle. It could be loose muscle. I got itches over here I got a rash into my armpit. That's killing me. This shit put a diaper on it Fuck that shit now. I'm getting all itchy from the mushrooms and shit. There were some fucking siro practices and shit This poor bastard

Right now put track on your Holy tracker.com. There's god knows where they got to take it. I'm gonna lose you for sure I know you got to try No, let's not call. Let's call one of those mexican ambulances down the corner. I'll take it to a nice Yeah, I'll take you ever 150 dollars, dude jerk y'all 100 and no jerk you That's the type of people that my main Over 360 dollars, dude. We'll fucking treat you right for 24 hours beautiful woman 360 there you go

Look, look, he's falling asleep. Anyway, that's why the problem with this fucking mamook is he don't take shroom tech sport And he don't straight takes him shroom tech immune. He's a fucking mook. Anyway, do me a favor go to annas.com right now And pressing the code hit the church church. Well, how do you spell it? C-H-G-R-C-A And you attempt to send off your order delivered right to your house, man. Don't play around. Listen, honor is the way to go I wouldn't blow smoke up your ass It's a great. You sure you're fucking hot. Look, he's taking his shirt off. Like this is a muscle content Right away. You're saying who am I on steroids? Look at me. I'm a fat fuck

Look at cheeseburger. What's bad and shit muscle. This ain't muscle. You just made me scratch my arm I'm pulling my shirt up bad muscles. I wouldn't have fucking sleeves. Anyway Again dragon.com right now. I want to thank healing sleep. I want to thank honnet I want to thank my main man the old von for coming on and saying fuck these motherfuckers We're gonna eat this shroom and that's how we do it. Hey, man. That's what people died for us. That's right It's fucking wednesday night at the church studios. We love you motherfuckers. Stay black See you sunday night for a special late memorial day

Little additional churches to break the monotony up monday more. I love that, bro See you muppets in the mud with the fucking music on lee. Come on. Put it on lee. Let's do this church us out Joey, thank you. You do this shit the quicker we fucking get Oh, shit. Listen to this shit the over I'm getting all scratchy from the fucking mushroom now. No, bro It's like eating three vikings now. I'm burping fucking bullshit I burped in the back. I don't know what was worse my burp on my piss Uh, the worst is when you try to get a uh when you eat in a girl out. Jesus christ

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