Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #386 - Marc Maron

Episode Date: June 7, 2016

  Marc Maron, Comedian and Host of the "WTF with Marc Maron podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. Joey will be making his second appearance as "Bobby Mendez" on Marc's show "Maron" on Wednesday June 8th at 9Pm EST on IFC. Check it Out!  This podcast is brought to you by:   Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines right on your phone and tablet.   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20 % off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 06/06/2016.
  

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Kick that fucking mule, Lee. There's some real heroin music. It's a Monday night, bitches. June 6th. 6-6-16. I haven't heard this album for fucking years. I put it on me that day. I almost shot myself.

Is this the one with loud love on it? No. This is the one with... This is bad mode. Oh, yeah, yeah. I like loud love. Loud love is good, too. What's the name of that album?

Louder than Love? Or something? Is it on that? Is it on that? Is it on that? Is it on that? Loud love. Loud love.

Listen. Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what?

Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what? Are you kidding me or what?

Are you kidding me or what? Yeah, yeah. Lee Syat, Mark Maron, Uncle Joey. What's going on there, guys? Loud love is on, louder than love. Yeah, it's on number seven. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a great album.

Yeah, there was a period there where I was just cramming those guys into my head. Every day for like two years. Right. So I listened to it. It's weird like that when I look at records because like some records I don't listen to anymore and then I'll put it on and I'm like, I know this fucking record. And it was because when I got it, I never stopped listening to it over and over again and then it just kind of goes into the back file. I will play the fuck out of an album for six, seven months if it gets me going in the morning. And to be honest with you, all these albums I played the fuck out of growing up.

Led Zeppelin II, I fucking did everything to. This song here, Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath. I just got into that one. Oh my God, I woke up to that song. Still, on a Monday morning, I played this at 6 a.m. at the fucking house. Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath. Yeah, I just started listening to Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath. Good fucking out.

It's great out. Really great out. Santana, Braxis, when I was a kid, I didn't even know what the fuck Santana was. I ordered this on Columbia House when they would send you the fucking album. Fucking out. And then you'd have to get your parents to pay for it eventually. The collectors start coming. Fuck you.

I would send them on to other people's names. Like the people next door and the people next door. The records would come every month. You're like, I didn't ask for this record. Who the fuck wants this Dan Fogelberg record? I didn't know what it is. They signed up. They were already bootlegging albums 50 years ago, Columbia House.

That's how they made their money. Is that true? Yeah, if you went and bought Sabbath, Bloody Sabbath from a record store and you bought it from Columbia House. Oh, they did their own pressing. They did their own pressing. It was probably an agreement though. Yes, they did their own pressing.

So the cover was different. It has a different cover. You know, I remember some of the records I got. The Smoky Drink. I got that Joe Walsh record with Rocky Mountain Way on it. How old were you? I got, it was probably 13 or 14. Maybe 12.

I got ELO's greatest hits for some reason. I got the first Aerosmith record. I remember those three. I remember Rocky Mountain Way. Spent the last year rocking. I wasn't even a third that cool. You know what I got? What?

Tom McLean. American and Pie. I already had that. I already had that. That's what I ordered the first time. Some BG album. It wasn't signed out live. No, it was before.

So they weren't bad then. Before the disco thing, they were all right. That fucking album I ordered. The Braxess, yep. Oh, Jesus. Like Earth Wind and Fire out in my order. That's good. And you didn't get to choose, right?

It was just, you sent it in for stuff. That was the ad. Get nine albums for one penny. Oh, that was it. So you marked the boxes and you put one penny. You had a choice, though. You scotch taped it. They had a list.

And you just mailed it. Postage was already paid for nothing. An idiot could do it. They had a list, though, right? They had a list. Yeah, everybody. At that time, they had all the hot albums. Captain and Tennille.

Anything that was hot in that fucking time. Joey was rocking out the muskrat love back in the day. When I first fucked over Columbia House, I fucked them for garbage. Yeah. Garbage, like garbage. Then I got hip and I started sending them to people's houses on my block. Janine Tristano. But you go check the mail.

You say my shit come yet? I'd stay outside. And if I sold the mail, man, drop the box off. You knew what the box looked like. You had either nine cassettes in there or eight tracks or the fucking albums. That reminds me of that story. What? I was just waiting for a truck because I thought there was some blow on it.

That was a funny story. It hit me. We're here. We got through on line 30. What's the problem? I was like, when I was in it, when I was doing the blow, I didn't have a hook up. I was at Acme. I was in Minneapolis.

It was cold. I just finished an eight ball or something. I don't even think it was Coke. Me and my buddy Azel finished it. I think it was speed. It was like the Saturday. I just wanted some blow. So I called our buddy Bob.

I'm not going to use any last names out here because he had a hook up. And I'm like, dude, could you just, FedEx you money for an eight ball? And you FedEx it back. So I FedExed the money for an eight ball. How do you FedEx money? You just put money? Dash money in an envelope. Dash money in an envelope.

And I sent it to him and he was going to FedEx it right back and he goes, okay, I did it. It's coming. He said, I hit it in some peanut butter. It's in a bag. And he had a big story. He had a tracking number. And the next day I'm in front of the fucking club waiting, waiting for that God damn FedEx truck. And I, and it pulls up and I, and I'm like, do you have a package?

Mark Maron care vac me. And the guy's like, could you get off the truck? I'm like, what? No package. The guy fucked me. Like there's nothing more disappointing than being led that far down the line with it. Like, it's coming. It's in it.

It wasn't in peanut butter. That's someone else's story that I remember that story. It was, he said he packed it in a videotape that he opened like you to hit, to hide it. He had a whole fucking thing and it didn't come. And it was, it was heartbreaking Joey heartbreak. It's the heartbreak, you know, you're, you just think you're going to be good. That's such a scumbag move because your heart, they don't understand that you have no fucking understatement.

He wouldn't have gotten a follow my money. He made good on it later. Years later. I used to have a, when I first moved to Basalt, Colorado, I would, you know, when I got that I didn't want to have to get out of the bag. So I controlled myself for a few weeks. So the guys I was living with, there was one guy that he'd always be sniffing all the time. And one day, you know, we got on the conversation.

I go, I love to do a line now. He's like, oh, I can't get, you know, the cops and all this shit. And I knew his brothers. I grew up with him. You know, he was just a scumbag, this guy. So I had two other roommates. It was four of us in this huge house. And one day I'm on the phone, just send it to the PO box.

And so he would go to work. I'd take his peer. He would leave the key hanging. I'd take the key and hitchhike a ride to Aspen and I'd go to the mailbox. And there it was. The guy would send him an eight ball from here. And after like three of them, I would hear him arguing with the guy. I didn't fucking get it.

I'm telling you, I'm gonna have to go down there and I'm giggling the room doing the fucking coke. You know, I would steal it right from the fucking post office. Who gives a... What's the post? Listen, the post office is going to rob you. Yeah. 60% of the fucking...

Is that true? Especially if you send weed from here and shit, they'll get the envelope ripped open. You mean they'll just... They'll just yank it out of the bag, these postmen. Oh, they take the postman ticket. They're not throwing it away. No. It's being used.

Nobody fucking takes a weed into those. I don't know. I'm an American. They throw it away. They're going to call the cops. Right. They're going to just smell it and they're like, here it is. Yeah.

Well, did you guys ever worry about that? Because you always hear stories about FBI agents or whatever posing as FedEx people, and as soon as you accept the package, they arrest you. Well, I ain't in the racket anymore, so I don't have to worry about that shit. Me neither. The thing is... You don't have to do that with weed anymore. No one has to send weed anywhere.

You know, you could send coke one time. Like, if you were in a bind and you could send me like toys for mercy, you could say, yeah, I put some Mexico in there for you. And when I get the box, once you do it every week, like those guys that get busted, that's because they do it every week and there's a bird. Somebody says, hey, they're sending coke or something like that. But an eight-ball, it's amazing. I had a friend that would fly every week with an eight-ball and an envelope and his fucking

grind it up in his wallet. In the plane? On the plane? They're not looking for that shit. Right through in his wallet, like next to his credit card. It's a little bindle with a fucking eight-ball in it, grind it up. They're not looking for that. Okay.

Because I have a question. I got pulled twice. Oh, they pulled you on the way back, too? On the way back. So I'm not sure if there's just a number of TSA when they just, when they pull you aside or if there's actually something, I don't know, maybe my detergent, but I got pulled twice. Maybe they found out that you got an ejector from the South Point and you're an international fucking TAC smuggler.

Who the fuck knows? You know what sets the bomb dogs? My chick was, she had a cut and she put hydrogen peroxide on it. Done. Next day she went to the airport and they did a read on it and she had to get searched from that, from hydrogen peroxide. Lysol? I have sleep apnea machine.

Yeah. So I wipe it every night and I wipe it in the morning. Oh, does it, too? Yeah. So I have it on my hands. I wipe it before I put it in the bag. There's no germs growing there. With Lysol?

Nine out of 10 times. Do you know right after 9-11? They pulled me off a fucking plane. After the fact, they came, Joe Jose Diaz, please come to the fucking front gate. I came up. They go, we got to hold you till the next flight. Then kind of it was those Tempe flights. Yeah.

Every hour, every hour. It wasn't Southwest. It was the other company that goes there. Yeah. Not at Tran, but somebody else goes from LAX. Chepwu? No. No, no, no.

Spirit. Spirit. I don't even mention spirit. Uncle Joey. What is that? That's like Cuban Airlines. The worst is frontier. That's a Cuban airline.

All right. You don't know if you're going to get there. You don't know where you're going to land. You don't know if you just give them money. It's like a fucking magical mystery. You know when you take your flight, those flights, like you go to like a Miami airport and you see like spirit or something. You look at the waiting there.

You're like, what the fuck is going on? I took spirit once. I couldn't even stand up. The rows are so close together. Oh, no, no, no. You make a big mistake with those. Those are one time I'll never do those again. The one ain't bad.

Which one? The one you said before. Chepwu? No. Chepwu's supposed to be not bad. That's what I just took. It was great. Chepwu's nice.

A lot of people like Chepwu. I liked it at the beginning because it was new planes. They had these new French planes really nicely built. You know, all the seats were comfortable. Everyone had a TV set. But then after a while, you're like, yeah, the blue chips aren't, you know, they're all right. And I'd like the option of maybe upgrading to a bigger class.

You know, you want to have the option. I don't pay for first class, but if I get the points, like eventually you got to commit. I got commit to American and I'll fly all the time. I'm fucking American just so I can get on the plane first with my bag and I don't have to check shit. That's me. Yeah. So I just want to have that status.

Give me a little status. If you start just going, you know, piecemeal, like, you know, this cheap one here just so you do. No, you're dead. You're dead. You're dead. You can't be out. You're nobody.

You know, 15, 16 years ago, there was a place by the airport that you took a ticket, went online, they got you the cheapest available seat the day before. Right. Cheapad.com. I think they're still around. Whatever the fuck they were. They used to be able to go to the website. I'd be at the Miami improv and I had plans to take the fucking train to South Carolina

to Myrtle Beach. But I'd go on there and I'd get like $49 flights that same day. Day before. Day before. To Myrtle Beach. Myrtle Beach to NYC. You know, Kennedy. That this is way prior to 9-11.

But also now. This is 98-99. There was fewer planes. So it was a big deal. Now it's like, yeah, it's like, you can find a flight for a reasonable price, right? I mean, but there's some of the flights went up again and you sit there. Is it bad? It's fucking bad.

I've seen some of it. I was supposed to be in Albany this week. If I tell you what they wanted for the flight to Albany, I know who covered the week and I called them and said, well, you got flying a buffalo? You got to fly into fucking JFK and take a little plane. Right. A little plane. The base ticket was 606 on American roundtrip roundtrip.

The little one all the way at the end was 606. And when you went to those flight things, there were 598, nothing, 596 same thing. So by the time you pay taxes, it's 607. Yeah. And you're like, what the fuck? I could have got my points and flown like a doctor and at least been able to negotiate with upgrade. Now you blew your fucking upgrade.

Right. Now you blew the fucking upgrade. Listen, I live on upgrades. I'm an upgrade. With the airline. American. Me too. I know exactly where they're going to upgrade me and where they're not going to.

They're not going to upgrade you to Chicago JFK. No. I got it one time. I got business section on the way back. Right. Very tough to go to JFK. Those tickets, $2,300. Yeah.

To JFK. Look them up, Lisa. I had to go next week from LAX to JFK and American. Yeah, you got to find the JFK. LaGuardia is a fucking thing. LaGuardia is a nightmare. The worst. What the fuck is going on?

JFK is crack-a-lacking like a motherfucker. Did you ever read that article about how they stack planes up over that fucking, those air planes? I don't even want to know about it. I think it was LaGuardia. Well, sometimes they got like a dozen circling in layers, like they're just like a tier of circling airplanes waiting to, I don't even want to think about it because when you, like even when you watch LAX, those planes coming in every two seconds, they got a circle.

So they just route them. So like these air traffic controllers, they got, it's like psychedelic. They got just vertical spirals of circling airplanes waiting to come in and it's just, I don't even, I can't even think about it. And LaGuardia is supposed to be going the worst with that shit. It's just here. How much? Just, it's loading.

I did the Thursday to Sunday to see what it would be like. What's that for, from to JFK from here? Mm-hmm. All right. So you want first class? No, no, just basic JFK. Okay. Basic is 634 for the 6 a.m. flight.

You should go. No, no, I'm just saying, dog, 10 years ago, every flight was three bills. Right, 304. That's one way. One way? I do. Yeah. Oh yeah, dog, I'm telling you.

I think so. It's summertime. They're slinging dick now. You might as well go there with your asshole out and go, take me, I'm yours. This platinum fucking card they give you from America. Oh wait, no, no, no, it could be round trip if you want to take the 6 a.m. flight. Yeah, 6 a.m. Six bills.

Six fucking bills? Yeah. Six bills. Let's say you got a family of four, that 24 right off the bat, the Uber, 2,500 for Uber and a fucking plane ticket. That's if you have a family of four, you want to go back east with your family, your family of two kids and you and your wife. It's 2,500 with the Uber and American Airlines.

And you were right, first class is 2,409. Look at his face. Look at his face. Who pays 24? So everything's an upgrade. I'll tell you who pays. Someone else. No, no.

He gets someone else to pay for it. Everything's an upgrade. So all those guys that take that flight, or business guys, they laugh at Americans' faces. I did enough road work. I did the executive platinum last year. I think I'm still holding the executive platinum. I think I'm platinum.

Yeah. What's the executive plan? I don't fucking know. That's the top tier. Yeah. Yeah. But like it means something. Like sometimes you can upgrade.

American integrated. I know who's, I'll tell you who's banging. Who? Delta. I don't fucking like Delta. Listen, Delta's got the best flight into JFK. Yeah. You know, some people don't.

Go. Go. See what the prices say fucking take. I've not had great experience with Delta. Delta first class. With their times. It's tremendous. It's better than American first class.

Yes. They treat you like a human being. Number one. Number two. They got better food. Uh-huh. And number three. If you find, they have that one program where you check in.

Yeah. They do your drink in the morning. Oh yeah. They get things. Yeah. They got beds. Yeah. Or where it's in the lounge.

Delta's got beds that go down on the plane. Oh no, they got those on American now. Where you get your own. You get your own apartment. Get your own apartment. Yeah. Yeah. You got your own fucking apartment.

A little burner. You charge you the 24 bills on American because you got your own little fucking apartment. That's the first class. Not business. No. Business you get pretty close to laying down, but not quite laying down. First class you get an apartment. Right.

First class, business is regular first class in America, like if you go to Kentucky from fucking, how much Delta? All right. Let's, oh, a little bit, it's 628, but it actually, first class is only 2245. Yeah. They always try. What are you talking about? Yeah.

It's like $3. It's a $150. So everybody takes that flight. No one's paying for it out of their own pocket. Nobody's paying for it. So everything's an upgrade. So an upgrade or they'll be infloned by the company. That right.

So I got like, wow, there you hit on that. That's what you got to, that's what you're working for. Not the big money. You're working for someone to fly you first class somewhere. I'll do the gig. Why me first class? You're on the plane first. If you tell the improvise to fire first class, don't, don't fly your first class with your

own money. They'll take that out of your check one way or another. Yeah. Every comedy club will tell you that. Your first class, yeah. You and your buddies? Absolutely. Sure.

Sure. Everybody. You want champagne on the first class? Then you get there. You have to house his papered. Oh my God. You get a fucking bill at the end because those fucking savages you brought with you, they ate and drank all week.

Yeah. They thought everything was on the young. And all of a sudden, the guy goes to the back and goes, what happened to the fucking ... No one's getting paid. Hope you had a good time. Nobody's fucking getting paid. Let me ask you something.

Right. You know, promotion sent me the trailer today. Of you? Of you and I. It's great. And I'm watching you. It's been a great shooting days. I'm thinking about it.

Joey and the Rooster. Oh my God. You just made a short film. Fucking chicken's dog. Fucking chicken. I wish I could get those outtakes. I should just pull those outtakes. I was so scared of the chicken.

I couldn't believe it. It was the best thing. What were you going to say? I'll tell the story in a minute. No, there's no story. You're watching it. I'm watching this trailer and I'm watching you. And you know, one of the creepiest fucking nights, I got to tell you, I had an L.A.

I had to think hard about this. I've had like three creepy nights and all of them were in the coaching horses. Oh yeah. All of them, I had to go through the coaching horses. Yeah. Guys, the coaching horses was a real old school bar with L.A. people. I had a couple of creepy ones. Yeah.

That was a creepy place. Oh dude, I had one. Yeah. Join out of my mind. Yeah. I got some coke and silver like by that Cuban bakery up there. Listen to me. I was going to an audition and I got lost.

Yeah. And I go down this block and I hear gunshots. Yeah. You can't write this fucking shit. This is going to only happen to Uncle Joey. Yeah. And I pull over and I look up and the cops got a shotgun and the guys on the fucking floor and people were running and the guys got a gun and so I'm sitting there watching

this shit. And I go to cut over and I hear boom and my tire goes out and I'm like, what the fuck? It's 335. I just got up here. I got out of traffic. I got a little lost, not in the helicopters are flying around me. My flat tire goes, what am I going to do? Like, you know, I didn't even have a fucking cell phone those days.

I pulled over and I went up to whatever sunset is and I called Marilyn Martinez and Marlon Martinez lived in Silver Lake at the time. It was broken down. This is 98. This shit was going down. 99. You were here. Wow.

98. 99. Yeah. 98. You were here. 97. It was my first year here. I was coming out here in there.

97. Okay. So I go to the husband comes over. We take the tire. We go to that neighbor. They got those tire things on the hill. Up. Yeah.

On sunset. If you keep going up in Silver Lake, they got those $5. They got a tire for you. How much you got? Hold on. Hold on. Yeah. So I put one of those tires on and all of a sudden I started talking to Dave was the

guy's name and he goes, you know, my brother-in-law is Cuban. He just got out of doing 11 years for distribution. I said, no shit. He goes, you want to meet him? I go, yeah, let's go over there and talk to him. I go over there. He's got these saints. They just kill the chicken.

They're dressed in white. My type of fucking Cubans. I start talking. Two, three minutes in the guy right off the back goes, get him posse. As soon as they say get him posse, you're in. That means you want to bump. Yeah. He comes out, takes a rock out of a suitcase.

I do a line dog. It's 3.30. By this time it's 4.30. I do a line. I'm electrified. Yeah. Now my number one rule was no coke before I went on stage. Right.

What's it? No. Middle of the day. Not even the middle of the day because that fumes were getting to my stand up. I just had this rule. I didn't care. When I saw that rock that he got shiny, it was like that old China white pearl. This is 97.

This guy just got out of jail. How great is it to listen to old drug beans talk about drugs? And the craziest thing is I've been with him for five years. This is the furthest from what I've seen. So that's why it's so crazy to me because it's unbelievable. So we start talking. One thing leads to another. He goes, you ain't calling me any time you need something.

He goes, do you want to take some? No, I don't have no money. He goes, nobody comes to my house and leaves short-handed. He goes back in this doctor's bag. It takes out three quarters of a Gibo. Who's better than me? I'm happy as fuck. Yeah.

But there's only one problem. And I got a lookie in the eye. I tell you this. I am so fucked up on that little line I did. I can't leave. I was electrified. Like it was eight in the 1980s, coke. My hairs were sticking up and my pupas are dilated and all I could taste is a Budweiser

and a can. Yeah. And I get in the car and I'm out there join my brains out. I had to hide the fucking coke and the spare tire under the fucking thing. And all I had to do was get to, at that time, God knows where the fuck I lived. I lived somewhere in Hollywood. All I had to do was get home. I get home, guess what?

I put away the package like a gentleman. I got like in those days, Mitzi used to lurk. Yeah. You know, you cancel on Mitzi in those days. It was two weeks without a spot. I haven't had a spot anymore. I didn't have a spot anymore. So it was like a Tuesday night.

I do the spot. It's black night. Yeah. And I go down there and all of a sudden I do two bumps of this shit. Let me tell you something. I'm the laziest fuck in the world. I walk from the store directly to Coaching Horses. There's a liquor store.

After the store. After the store, you go to Coaching Horses. I mean, there's a liquor store. Yeah. Let me tell you how much I drank. Like when I used to do, I don't drink. I don't like it. But in those days, once I did the third line, it was over.

Yeah. You see these guys? I'll drink anybody on the table. You're not going to fuck with Joey Diaz. Trust me. And I remember walking from the store. And the first liquor store I stopped was by the Chateau Marmont. And then I drank a fucking Budweiser like a savage New York store.

Refreshing. The big can. Yeah. Cold. Yeah. And I was joining the cocas in my throat and it was that sweet Chinese and I could taste it. And I walked all the way up to another liquor store was Pass Fairfax next to the Kentucky

Fried Chicken. Yeah. Where the Blockbuster video used to be. Yeah. I got another can of beer there. Boom. I'm fucked up. I'm taking the bushes.

I'm taking powder. I'm doing it in my nose. Meanwhile. So is it anything going like what's happening because it's like an upper and a downer. It's an upper downer all around her. You understand me. He's sweating and he's looking around walking on sunset. On sunset.

It's 1115. I'm headed to the coaching horses. Oh, that place. I walk on the coaching horses. It's you. Schubert. Dave Fulton. We were there.

Everybody. Like 10 comics were there and everybody was fucking doing blasts. I remember going to that bathroom and the bathroom was small and Dave Fulton. Remember Dave Fulton. Yeah. He's in England or something. I'm putting water in my nose and I was parked on Josh Wolf's Block. That's where I lived in the car part of time and in his house part of time and I was parked

over there and I got soft. I saw you guys. I said two or three words to you guys. I couldn't talk that cocaine when you can't talk. That's how good the blow was. Yeah. And I still had a fucking four-tenths of a G-bow left. I'm on fire.

I got to go somewhere and jerk off. Yeah. What's a G-bow? A gram. Okay. So I got four-tenths of a gram. In Joey's speak. Yeah.

And I got a bang one out. Yeah. Yeah. You got to get down. You got to come down and focus. I fucking crossed the street and there's a 7-Eleven on Curson. I bought a can of beer and I ran to that fucking car. I put the air on.

I put the seat back and I banged two good ones out. It took me an hour and a half to sweat and then put the coke on my dick and fucking out. You felt better though. Oh my God. I came and then I could, the paranoia went away. The initial paranoia. And then I go back to the bar and I went back to coaching horses and you guys were leaving with broads.

They were broad and you guys were going to somebody's house and I was too coked out to even have a conversation. But I knew that going in. Yeah. That bar was evil. That bar was evil. And I wasn't going to, you know, you ever get those guys that are annoying and then they show up and now they can't talk and they're drinking.

I didn't want to be that guy. That was my guy. Well, there was always like a contingent of like relatively healthy kind of young people and then there was always these old fucking druggies there. Like one, oh yeah, there was a, yeah. Just fucking, just who jerks off. Yeah. I was going to say, who?

In a car around the corner from Elkampadre. Nice. You know, like, you know, one time I jerked off on like a clean shirt and the other time like a pillow cake. I mean, it was just disgusting. There's a way to get down. You know what I mean? If you didn't have nothing to get you down, it was a way just to fucking get level.

Oh my God. I just remember that was one of the first times I saw you like rocking and nobody was talking. Nobody. Everybody was at the bar. Elbow was up looking straight ahead. Yeah. I used to go there occasionally when I was in town doing that shit. Yeah.

Jimmy was always kind of like, he'd go right to like, what's going, you hear something? Like, you know, was there, was he, it was, it'd be a line out. He'd do it. And it's like, check the closets. It was, it was no good time in between, you know, the line and, you know, checking the closets. You know what I mean? I was shooting the movie, Basekable.

Yeah. I'm a fucking moron, moron, moron. Which one? Which movie? Basekable. I come to town. They sent me the 20th Century Fox. Yeah.

And they tell me. And they go, go on, go on YPD Blue. I go, I'm YPD Blue. I need a bag of shit. It's nine pages. Spanish, English. I can't cut this. I'm walking back.

And as I'm walking, a lady pops out and goes, are you here for the audition? Yeah. And she looks at me and goes, yeah. And she gives me the sign. She goes, learn them and come back in five minutes. I go back. I don't know nothing about nothing. Mark, Mark, not even a school play.

Yeah. Okay. I go in, I read. Thank you for coming in. All right. Boom. I go, I'm living in a hotel on Schrader. There's a hostel.

It's now, it's now a hostel. Then it was $27 a day. You got a three week limit. SRO. Oh my God. I would go there every night. You have a hot plate? No.

I just stayed on Hollywood Boulevard and got malaria and everything else that comes with it. I fucking, I lived in that place because you could only live there for three weeks of the shot. Yeah. It's a little different. Two weeks go on the road. 10 days go on the road.

So I never made my living. This is 90 fucking seven. Yeah. And when they call, it was like the Rocky Hotel. Somebody would go, is there a Joey Diaz? In the hallway phone. In the hallway. Payphone in the hallway.

Hey, are you Joey Diaz? Yeah. You got a call downstairs. We were walking downstairs, picking up the phone. They're like, Hey man, it's your manager. Ken, folks. What's up, Ken? Listen, I got a, you got the movie basketball.

I'm like, what are you talking about? He goes, yeah, it's three weeks, 5,500 a week. What are you talking about? 5,500. In the back of my mind, I'm like, that's about 50 fucking grams. Like everything that you talk about. Well, when you're fucking, when you're doing blow, every time somebody talks to you, like, how much is it paid?

250. You're like, it's a half eight ball. I can make my company, you know, but every time with some amount of coke came into that math figure. So I get. So when you hear 50,000. Oh my 5,500 for three weeks, but there was a catch. I had to pay for my own sag.

APA got them to fucking waived the fee. Well, Taff Hartley and Taff. No, no, pay it. You already have. The producers paid it. Right. But dude, you want to, you got to pay the potatoes and who cares on the board. Yeah.

No geetus. Boom. They put me in that dog. I was, I was a 24 hour man. Because I'm a comic book. Yeah. I don't know what it is to wait. Yeah.

How much longer? Two more hours. What are you talking about? Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? Sitting in the trailer. Yeah. Practicing roller skating.

Yeah. So eventually the street and me came out. What do you think I started doing? Stealing roller skates from the big truck. They had a big truck. They had like 18 pairs of 13. So you're waiting to shoot and you're stealing. Every night I'm taking a pair of roller skates.

Taking out the ski chalet. Three bills plus tax. I'm taking back cash every day. It's not how to wait till one guy got off. One guy got back on every day. They finally knew it. They're like, what the, what are we doing? On top of 5,500 a week.

Yeah. On top of, and I didn't even get a check. I'm living on $15 checks and living at a hostel. You know, and all of a sudden I'm stealing roller skates. I've been listening by the time. And now there's like 10 other guys telling this story from the other side. We had this guy. Oh my God.

Biggie's name was Joe. Stealing fucking skates. Every night thinking no one knew it. Oh my God. Every night until they, they only had like up to size 69. But here's the clink. For two weeks I'm in there every day. 69.

Nobody says two words to me. I'm sitting there watching McCarthy. The chick doing fucking hitting a bag. Jenny with her monkey sweating. She's out there in 90 degree weather doing karate. That was my highlight of the day. Watching her work out. So one night I go to the store.

Who do I team up with? Jenny McCarthy. Jimmy Tushu's. Oh yeah. Boom. What are you doing? That's not nice. That's not one thing that leads to another.

Don't worry about it. When you get paid, you come to see me. You know, he had just gotten his deal. He's out there fucking every night. He got the leather jacket. Yeah. You got the fucking Camry. You remember when you think Camry.

What do you think? Yeah. It's the first Toyota in my family. Yeah. Tremendous. I team up with that lunatic. And we go up to Los Feliz. Went up on the hill there.

I had Tay Mark Marry and we did a couple of bumps next to him. We're both on the floor. Yeah. Crawling because there was somebody outside. Because I was okay. Good time. Oh my God. Good time.

I was okay in those days until you got creepy. Yeah. Like once I caught you looking out the window, that's it. That's all you needed. Yeah. That's it. They went the night. That eight ball is done.

Either you're going to snort it or we're going to throw it away because there's cops out there. I never got that. I was never that guy. In 20 years of doing blow, you never got paranoid. What? No, I didn't. I don't know why.

Did you see somebody get paranoid? Yeah. Who? A lot of people. Well, Jimmy, he's like, yeah, but some guys just did that. That was what happened. You know what I mean? It was like it was just a certain type of guy.

I just never, it was never my thing. I would get a, I never got the fucking paranoid thing. Oh my God. I was fine. I get more paranoid on weed. For years I was fine. I was a soldier at that. Well, that's what happened.

About six and a half a year mark was where I started seeing things and hearing things. Oh, well, no. Well, okay. Well, yeah. When I found, when I hit the wall. Oh yeah. The seven year mark. Oh please.

I hit the wall. When I hit the wall, there was a lot of voices, but the paranoia wasn't about cops. It was about like fucking like aliens. Oh yeah. No, no, there was no aliens in my world. Not aliens, but somebody that forces, I understood the forces of evil and there was people that might be working for him. Like people I knew, like that's one of them.

He's undercover for the forces of evil. I got his fucked up with the, with the psychosis, but never like on a casual night that I think cops were coming. But when I finally lost my mind, I'm pretty sure I was at the store. I'm like, I'm a secret agent. I'm supposed to be here for, for to understand what's going on here. Satan's got a hold of this place and it's, I got to spread the word. So I, I didn't, yeah, I had to go.

I had to go. I had that conversation with lethal one in the morning after the comedy store and I shook while I was telling Lee and I shook on until I went to my living room and took a fucking Xanax, like 0.5. I shook just going, talking about it, you know, uh, learning about psychology with psychology mates, you know, you know, I was telling Lee one night, I ran out of blood and bold to Colorado. It's two in the morning. Yeah.

I went to the doctor and made a deal. I can't fucking find this blood. Call him up here. Come over here. There's a party. I go over there. There's like eight people laying around this blurry when I'm doing little bumps. I go, where's the bathroom?

I go, the one in the back clogged up. You have to go downstairs. I go downstairs. I check downstairs. Another check. And I pee and I come out and she's like, you want to do a line? I do a line with her. She's telling me about her kids, how she's married, you know, tomorrow.

What is she going to do? It's two in the morning. She has to go to a little league game at nine in the morning. Horrible. Next thing you know, she's like, you want to play a big game of ping-pong? Yeah. We're playing ping-pong. Yeah.

Next thing you know, do you want to gamble? I'll gamble. I'll gamble. We're doing coke. We're drinking beers. Yeah. The fucking sun starts coming out. She starts telling me, like, you want to gamble and play strip ping-pong?

Yeah. You know what I mean, dawg? I'm up for anything. Yeah. And this girl is 34. Hot. Yeah. You know, where's your husband watching the kids?

I'm playing. She's completely naked. You know, we're banging on the ping-pong table today. Yeah. And you can't explain this to people. Next thing you know, she just gets up late, nothing happened. I got up late, nothing happened. I went out with my life.

Yeah. Until a week later, though, you go, I slept with a married woman with kids. She sucked my dick with a coke rock on it over a ping-pong table. You know, and she got up wet and went to a little league. Well, it's like a different time zone. You know, you enter this zone when you're up doing that. No, I'm shaking. Yeah.

Look at me. Well, you do those all night things. Like, all of a sudden, like, it's like the middle of the night. You don't know what time it is. Everyone's jacked on coke and shit happens. Weird shit happens. And it takes a couple of days to get back to normal time zone. But then you're sort of like, what the fuck was that?

And then you see the person again. Maybe you're like, yeah, don't talk about it. Is it like, you know, sometimes I say, like, stuff when you're drunk, what you really want comes out. Is it that? Like, when you're uncooked, is it what you really want? Well, no, it's just like weird magic happens. Like, it's some dark energy that I'm good where, where, like, you know,

things just become possible that weren't possible. It's not like you're saying things you don't want. It's just like shit gets weird. One thing will happen. And then you're like, is this happening? And then it just shit just fucking gets weird. It's like that, you know, when I was, oh man, you just see people come and go. You lose sense of time.

Sometimes days go by and characters come and go and shit happens. Like when I was hanging up there at the store, like, you know, all that shit with Sam and then just like normal shit where you go on these three day runs because we didn't have nothing to do. And the no cover night was Monday night. So the party would start then. Sometimes it would go to Wednesday and you don't know what the fuck happened or like someone.

So there was a woman needs to climb in our window. She's the client. She could come in the door, but she climbed in the fucking window for some reason and she'd make out and do shit with me and something and then Shubert. And then like she disappeared. And I like a year later, I think she's a school teacher now. I don't know. Sometimes you're just somebody's bad face.

You know, they move, they move through and then they go on to have regular lives. And we're here talking about the other side of it. But I feel guilty. Like sometimes you go, Jesus fucking Christ. What did like I started in 1979. Yeah. And it started getting crazy. I mean, you're like a Jedi master of it.

Like I don't think I got as far out, but maybe I give myself, you know, a break. But like, you know, after the first psychosis, you know, I knew that there was a problem with that. It didn't stop me. I'd stopped here and there for a while, but you know, it just got fucking scary. For me, it got scarier like an 84 after like five years of fucking going nuts with it. Like I didn't even think of stopping till 84.

Those shit was, I was living under a rocket ship in Northern New Jersey. A rocket ship? Like at the park. Yeah. At the park. Are you sleeping outside? Oh, it's fucking terrible. Like it.

Yeah. Then I got cleaned up for a long time. I always slept in doors. Oh, yeah. Horrible in November. And then I got cleaned up for a while and then I went into this other deeper section. And then I found out years later that, you know, even when you stop doing blow, the addiction still grows.

So now I'm dealing with ounces. My man, I would open up an ounce and wake up as an eight ball. You know, I really did 21 grams. Oh, it's fucking horrible. You're lucky to be alive. You know, like you look at it, you know, God gives you a certain amount of beats. Right. But you know what fucked me is that like all that crazy shit when I was, when I got

into that psychotic state, I was at the store. It was the late eighties. And I was really out of my mind. And then it took like a year and a half, two years to shake the fucking weirdness to shake the, I'd go to the store and it just retrigger and be like, it's still fucked up. Like it took like two years to get my brain back to where that was just a building. And, you know, I wasn't on some sort of secret mission from the forces of whatever. Like, right, right when I got to LA, I'd see that fucking haze over the city.

I'm like, I'm back in it. I better start taking notes because there's going to be questions. I don't know when it's going to happen, but I'm going to be summoned. But it took a long time. I was so happy when that shit went away. And that show that we're doing is tomorrow night, man. We should tell people. No, no.

Are people watching? Yeah, yeah, yeah. People are watching, but they'll get it tonight. This will be up an hour after the show ends. Right. Well, the, yeah, our episodes tomorrow night, it was great. I looked at it. I saw the cut cut together beautifully.

But boy, that was the, you and the rooster, man. I hate fucking chickens. We fucking did. Can I tell the real story about this? Cause you were a fucking trooper. You really fucked. Cause I called you on a day's notice. Go, go, go.

So here's what happens. We wrote this fucking episode, right? And I called like, I, I, I'll be honest with the viewers. You know, already laying was cast in this part already laying. And we wrote the fucking thing for him. Right. And, uh, and then like two days. What was it?

Two days before I get a call from Artie's like, ah, I can't, you know, I thought it was only going to be a day. I mean, no, it's the full fucking episode. You're on all these. I thought it was going to be, I got a gig in New Jersey. I can't be out there. I don't know what to do. Like, you know, Artie's worked up.

He's afraid he's going to relapse. He's got this guy. He's going to make more money on these gigs. I'm like, dude, forget it. Just forget it. I hang up the phone. I'm like, I don't know what we're going to do. And this kid who's a writer's assistant, this guy, Sam, this is a young guy.

He's working as, you know, just almost a PA, but he's, you know, he's, he's my guy on set. He's like, what about Joey? Why don't you have Joey come back as Bobby and I'm like, holy fuck, you're a fucking genius. Cause it was like, it was you. And it was better because you were already established on the show. We done blow together.

It was like, that's the way it should have been. So I call you. I'm like, can you do it? Like, yeah, I'll do it. I'll be there tomorrow. What time? And we did it. And it was the, I couldn't even imagine it being with anybody else.

Like it was the way it was supposed to be because we already had the fucking relationship. But I'll tell you, there's a scene where you got, I don't even want to tell people what it is, but Bobby, Joey's got to handle a rooster like a live rooster. There's a situation where he's got to, he's got to pick it up. He's got to walk with it. And I had no idea that this was Joey's biggest fear in fucking life. Like, we're like, you ready to look at the, we opened the trunk where the rooster is.

He's like, I can't do this. I can't do it. You don't understand. I'm Cuban. I can't touch a rooster. They're fucking evil. I can't, it's just too much. And I'm like, are you kidding me?

You're the guy that like, you know, like, you're doing these blow stories. People are shooting guns and shit. You got a chicken around this guy. He's like, oh no, no, no, it's not going to happen. But he fucking, he steps up, he mans up to the chicken and he's got to pick it up. We've got a chicken handler there showing you how to handle it. And he picks it up and he does the scene twice and Rob Cohen's directing. He's like, we got to get it one more time.

And Joey's like, that's it though. One more time. That's it. And he picks it up for the third time and he puts it down and Rob's like, he's like, wait, maybe we got to do, and you're like, that's it. That's it. Oh my God. I got to walk away from the chicken.

I could not fucking, like, I felt like we did some real work. Like we solved some real childhood trauma. Oh, terrible. I couldn't believe it. Terrible. Do you feel like you, like over it now, the chicken fear? Listen, I took the chicken, I picked up the chicken as fearful as I am with chickens. I picked it up in this and I thought about getting needles.

I go, the quicker I do this, the quicker we finish. I can't hold 80 people. Yeah. If it was just me and Mark, Mark would fuck himself with this chicken. I didn't pick up this chicken. Fuck him and Rob Cohen and Rob Cohen's brother and his uncle. But the whole crew was there. I can't do that to people, teamsters, people.

I have a phobia. I have a fucking phobia, you know. There's a big rooster too, man. He was beautiful. Yeah. He was fucking beautiful. I'm beautiful. And he didn't play with me or nothing.

You know what the stuff, but it's, listen, man, you have no fucking idea. I couldn't believe we got it. I was like, I don't know how we're going to cut this shit together, but it looks great. It looks great. I can't believe that you just opened up a can of worms. Oh, my God. Because I was, you know, when you grow up Cuban, one day you're eating for cereal and all of a sudden you hear a chicken in your bathroom.

I'm on ADA Street. Why is there a chicken on my bathroom? Yeah. And you open it up and you're like, no, there's a chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to do something later with the chicken. What the fuck are you doing with the chicken? We can just go to the supermarket.

So they slaughtered the chicken. So they, you know, they'd make noises to Santa Maria and they killed the chicken and I watched it. It was a religion thing. It's a religion thing. So you get traumatized. But once you make saint, you got to mess with those chickens. You got to grab them and I would just grab the chickens and cry and then just drop it.

And they go, you got to grab the chicken. I ain't grabbing the fucking chicken and people would stop, stop the black dude in the conga drums. He's got to play. He's got to get the chicken. I ain't touching the chicken. This went on till my mom gave me a beating. Right in the room.

You got to pick up. So it's real fucking trauma. Oh, I hate that shit. And then I remember living on, once we fucking left 88th Street. No, in 89th Street, she had a goat one time. Goats and chickens. 89th and Boulevard, not Boulevard. East Riverside Drive.

Yeah. We were white people. He's a white people dentist. Yeah. All of a sudden she's like, hold the elevator. Got a goat. And we got a goat. Yeah.

And then one time I saw a monkey. Was it in a cage? We saw a monkey. We're fucking caged. Cubans don't have caged. They don't believe in caged poultry. It was the 70s. It was like they had them by the horns.

And they held them and wrestled them. I was, I'm a little kid going, what the fuck? And that was for Santoria too? You killed a goat and then you cooked a fucking goat. The monkey too? I don't know about the monkey. They had a monkey for some reason. I don't know what that monkey involved in.

I never saw the monkey get stabbed. It was his assistant. I don't know what happened with the fucking monkey. But I don't know. I felt like, you know, it was like, it was like a weird thing. We were walking through it with you because you got, you know, it's just like that. Like I was like, really?

And you're like, dude, it's the one thing, the one thing. Squirrels. Fucking rooster. Pigeons. I fucking hate pigeons more than chickens and roosters. Squirrels, I don't even register anymore. They're around my house, but I don't even notice them. They're like invisible to me.

I can't. But they look at me weird. They look at me weird. So this is residual from the coke shit. This is both of Colorado. They've been looking at me weird. The squirrels are on to you. Since the halfway house days.

They were watching me and shit. Squirrels are on to you. Hilarious boy. No, but it looks good, man. It's a funny episode, you know, with the girls, everything. Like it was, it really worked out. I was so fucking happy you could do it. And it's so much better.

I got nothing against already, but Jesus, that was some bullshit two days before you got to shoot. And it was like, you were the guy. You were the perfect guy for it. Well, thank you for giving me an opportunity both times, my friend. Well, the first time I wrote that for you. I had a great time. I had a great time.

I love that fucking episode. That let me loose in a different way. Like doing that. Like that opportunity let me loose as an actor, I guess. I don't know. I didn't give a fucking that. I was so like meticulous about that episode. I want that to be perfect because, you know, it's delicate.

It's a comedians episode, you know, that story. It's just, I love that fucking episode. So it might be my favorite episode of the fucking show. Like, and I don't know why, like I, I want to hear from more comedians about it because it's such a, like it's so specific and so funny. You know, the best part of it at the end is like, I don't fucking care. I'm not even doing the joke anymore. That is amazing, that ending.

Because we've met guys. We've met guys that have the opportunity of a lifetime. That's exactly right. They're like too much work. Yeah. A deal. Hang around. I'm going to New Mexico.

I know the waitress. He gives tremendous blow job. It's the way this sells coke. He still owes me from the last time. I'm going to sit in that lane of the comics. Don't wrestle with these savages. They ain't got shit going. Yeah.

There's a lot of comics on the road that are like that. Mark Merritt. I know. That stay out there until the end selling roller skates and calendars and fucking, you know. Does it scare you to think of that? I mean, is that, like it scared the shit out of me, man. When I started the podcast, when I was looking down at nothing and I had no dates. I'm like, God, the best that could happen is if I just string along those, like, you

know, those, you know, get into that zone where you do them B rooms and you just, you know, kind of work and check to check. And I know a lot of guys do it and I feel for them. And, you know, and some of them still love it. And I love doing stand up. But I was terrified of like not having a choice. That was what scared me the most. Not having a choice, taking whatever I had to fucking get by like that.

The idea that scared me. I love doing comedy. Yeah. And I loved doing blow. I loved everything that came with blow. I liked the line, the bow and the fucking batois. I was really good at it. You know, I've been doing it for a long time.

But there was one individual that changed my whole comedy career. His name was John Fox. Yeah, I know John Fox. Rest in peace from the first... Oh, the comic, not the booker. No, from the first time I met John Fox at the lab factory. He rubbed me the wrong way because he was already high. He was proud that he was high.

He had nothing going on. And afterward, he came right up to me and pits me about his whole Rodney resume. And I probably had coke in my pocket at that time. Once I had coke in my pocket, I'm at peace. Now you gotta give me a fucking. He had beaten. Oh, yeah. About something 15 fucking years ago.

The package dance where you're like, Wait, fuck. And then when you feel it, you're like... No, I'm sorry. What were you saying? What were you saying? And they're like, what happened? No, I got an itch.

I got an itch in my pants. But that was the first time he tried to muscle me. And he came to the comedy store later on with Paul Rodriguez. And, you know, they were partying. Everybody was partying at the store. This is 97. I had heard, you know, things about John Fox. You know, all good things.

But once I saw him and then I worked at Myrtle Beach. And he came in to do a guest spot. Yeah. And he came in with this crack chick. She looked like she had sucked a thousand cocks and counting. And, you know, they came in on a scam. They wanted to do a 10 minute guest spot, blow up the room, and then sell CDs afterwards so he could do blow.

That's where he was at? That's where he was at 99. And I was still seven years away from doing blow. But that memory shocked me because that was my biggest fear. Was ending up on the road telling people about, do you ever see the movie, Basically Paul? Yeah. I'm in it. Yeah, yeah.

That's true. That's true. You know, I lived in L.A. You got to be a fucking cocksucker to live in L.A. You got to be a faggot, you know. And you sit there in a room going, nah, I'm a feature actor. I live in L.A. And it's great.

Yeah. Like, I'm doing great. They told me I wouldn't. I'm doing great now. How many of those guys are still alive? Really. Comedy is a different animal now. Right.

If you really think about comedy. No, I know. It's a fucking thing, Mark Maron, about, did you hear what happened in New Mexico? No. Such and such got hammered last week. This guy fell off his stool. Yeah, yeah. This guy's in jail.

Those days are over with. I mean, Angel. The feds got that guy. Angel, Lucifer. He went to jail and whatever. Did he? Yeah, he got arrested in Arizona for child support. $82 or something like a miscalculation in New York and they called the club to him back.

I don't know what the deal was, but like, you know, Angel's still parties. Wow. Angel's still getting down like. Check it out. Yeah. He's still getting down like it. And you see him and you're like, you know, God bless you. Yeah.

I did not want to be that guy. I did not. Me neither. Because after a certain age, it's on you. You know, it's like right now. When was the last time somebody came up to you and said, Mark, I got this fucking coke. I got it from fucking. No way.

No way anymore. Long time. Because it's an aura that's around you. Like the guy said in the song, there's an aura that's around you. Yeah. That's true. People, they come around. They, they, yeah, that's right.

You feel it. I can, I can. And they kill guys, those people. Those people are in every city. You know, they killed, they killed Hedberg. You know, like, yeah, there's no way Hedberg was ever going to stop anything because he'd show up and be like, yeah, he's here. You know, the devil's representatives would show up.

Oh, as soon as he'd get to a town, by the time he checked into his hotel. It's all set. The messages were in already. The light was blinking. Those poor bastards that get into that zone where you can't, even if you want to get out, you can't get out. People expect it from you. So if you told a dealer, I don't, I'm not doing it anymore, would they stop calling

or no? They'd still want to come to the show and they'll come all three nights until they break you. A good dealer. Like if I'm your dealer, Lee, and you come to Houston and you say to me, my wife just had a kid. I haven't done it in 32 days. You're done.

I got you. I didn't believe when I lost my mind at the time. No, the dealer came up to me and I go, what am I going to do? He goes, you got to get out of here. You know, when the dealer says you got to go, you better go. Imagine. He was like, yeah, you got to go do your own thing. I'm like, okay.

Okay, I'm going to go. I'm going to go. Yeah, but like, how much were you doing at that point? If you don't mind me asking. Me? Yeah. I was not like, you know, I would, it was just sort of a way of life in that I lived at the store.

I lived in the house. So we, you know, we, you know, someone would come with some. I'd have a package. Was that your worst run up to the store? Is that your worst run that you had? For that, for that eight months? Yeah. That led to that.

That led to me losing my mind. Yeah. That was the worst run. And then after that, I had a guy in New York. I got clean for a while. I met a chick that I married eventually, but I had a guy in New York, but I was like a guy like, I was in New York and the dude was on the Lowry side. And he, you know, I get over there early and I think I could get it out of the way.

So I do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, you know, and I just kind of like, I'd nurse it. You know, I didn't, I didn't blow out unless I went on the road and then I blow out and I'd come back. I'll beat up. So I had a, I always could sort of manage, but I thought I was going to die and I kind of wanted to die. That was what got me. Was that like, I can't live like this, but I can't stop.

So maybe it'd be better if I just had a heart attack. I didn't want my wife at that time was my girlfriend. I kept saying, you know what? Whatever I do, I do, but some people in life don't deserve to find somebody on the floor. Purple. Right. Yeah. If I'm with, if I'm at the.

I never had rules like that. If you're wondering how much I did, I didn't have that rule. Like, look, I love you. I don't want you to find me purple. I just don't. Just in policy. I just thought about it. Have you ever found somebody?

No. Not from an OD or anything. Just somebody shot in the head. Somebody got hit by a car. No, I don't live that life. It stays with you forever. It could be a relative. I couldn't imagine being in a room with four guys who you love, with an eight boy on the

floor, the hooker comes over and everybody's getting their dick suck on somebody. He goes, uh, passes out. You always thought that was going to happen. That's one of the reasons why I stopped. It's like someone's going to go down and I don't want it to be me. It was the same fucking thing. It was the same psychology. Yeah.

I kept saying, you know what? If I died, it wouldn't matter. But if she finds me, this is going to stay with this poor girl forever and she don't deserve it. You know? And everyone that wake up, Mark, my friend, the other I put Narko on, a friend came over and they're like, do you have Narko? I want to watch.

Okay. And then we were talking, I thought about it, how lucky my life was. And then all of a sudden today, the chick from IFC sent me the trailer and I saw a picture of you. I'm like, how lucky are we? This fucking guy, how lucky is he that you got the greatest second chance of all fucking time? You know, Mark King?

No. Play for the Knicks. Oh, yeah? Great. He went out to the Golden State Warriors, got the comeback player of the year and they got him back the Knicks and he just destroyed the league for three years. That's what you did. You want to come back fucking player of the year?

Yeah. How lucky are we that we don't. I can't. I, and the other thing I knew, like, you know, because I'd let it all go was that like, I could show up for work. You know, that's the other thing that for whatever reason, you know, by the time I started the podcast, I was like, they ain't going to happen for me. I'm just going to, you know, I'm going to do this.

See what happens. Yeah. This is, you know, I, I'm not, you know, I don't sell tickets. I'm not going to be a big comic. I'm not going to have a TV show, but I'm going to just work and try to make something happen. And I let it go. I like, I just, I seriously let it go like all the, you know, sort of the expectation. I'm just sort of like, I blew it.

So now I'm going to sit in my garage and do this and just be honest and see what happens. And then it started to come. And when I got the opportunities, the one thing I knew that I would never have known any of the time in my life was like, I can do this. I mean, I can show up for work. I don't give a fuck. Like I can do, you know, I'm not afraid of this shit. I didn't think this was going to happen.

And I just, you know, like, so I had a confidence. Like I knew the first season that was going to be dicey with the acting. I knew if I got another season, I'd probably get a little better. You know, I just knew all this stuff from watching other guys. And then with the stand up, I'm like, I know how to do this. Something just quick. Like I'm starting to draw crowds. And I'm like, I used to sit backstage before I went on and like, I got fucking nothing.

This is going to suck that fucking table's bullshit. How the fuck, you know, the middle, the middle just blew me away. What the fuck? And, you know, this is fucked up. And I go out on stage with that attitude. And now like, I'm like, I get to a place where I'm working. I'm like, I'm just going to look at the stage. I want to sit up there before the crowd comes in.

I'm like, this is going to be fun. You know what I mean? Like it all just like, you know, I'm excited about it. And I don't think that would have happened in any other time. And it wouldn't have happened had I given a fuck. Because honestly, Joe, I don't like this part of me that just doesn't give a fuck. And like, and that's like, that's threatening to people because they're like, you know, we might want you to like, I don't care.

Yeah, maybe I'm not going to come up. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's amazing to say that you don't care and it's over 700 episodes. Well, no, the podcast is my heart and my life, you know, the podcast is something that me and my business partner and producer, Brendan, have complete control over. And that's there. And that's its own thing.

That became the thing that I could never have expected. And we make a nice living off it. But the other stuff, the TV stuff. Now, when people are like, you want to jump through hoops for anything, I'm like, no, really, I don't really need to. How would you? Yeah. And so when the when the opportunity came to do the show and we did it was

like, they gave us like complete creative freedom. You know, and I was just with a bunch of guys. I was nervous about things and I made sure the stories were right and stuff. But I just didn't, you know, I wasn't afraid of anything. And I didn't see those people as having power over me anymore. That's the one thing that went away. You know, when you got me and my Brendan, we weren't business guys. We didn't know what the fuck a podcast was going to do or what we just knew

we were going to do it twice a week. And this was going to be the thing. And then as this model grew and people started to figure out how to make a little money, we grew with it. And then that was that. And then all of a sudden it's like we're we got our own business. So this other shit is sort of like, yeah, maybe I'll do it. You know, and that changed everything.

But it's like to have done a TV show. It's interesting. I did all the things that a comic wants to do. Like you always want to do your own show. And I did it, you know, the comedy specials. But it's so funny because I did it off to the side still. Do you know what I mean? There wasn't the network pressure.

There wasn't the fucking freaking out. It wasn't like my specials, not on HBO. So it was this thing where like I could do it with a certain amount of peace of mind and a little more control and like, you know, do it exactly the way I want it and the people that find it, find it. And that's that. Do you think when I walked into fucking Felicia's garage under the podcast, we'd be here.

Do you think 20 years ago, no podcast would now do what this did? I mean, do you think that the president would be on a fucking podcast in my house? No. I mean, who thought about nobody knew when we got behind the microphones. I had no idea I was going to get a job selling cars. Were you right down the corner? I just couldn't figure out how to pee in the bottle queen because I had that. You talk to the guy though.

I went over there. Yeah. I went over there and I talked to the guy. And I told him I had done this in college and I was going to close her and Douglas told you other guy goes, let me check some references. Come and go pee. Oh, thank God. And I told him the truth.

I said, listen, man, it's hot. So you've got to give me a couple of days or I'll get my kids pee or something. And then that whole thing, I started this with Felicia. Next thing you know, it grew and we got together with Lee and it's just been at times I feel like Justin Bieber. But I know that I've done other things in the business that I'm not Justin Bieber. I've done movies and TV shows and shit and stand up.

So I love it. I'm the listen. What they're paying for TV today. Like I just got a guest star offer on the fucking CBS show. I want to go on in my eight days. I can't really go on the road for three days. That's right. Point.

Yeah. I'm going to go for three days and have a great time. I'm a hotel room. Yeah, all the room service. Right. Go down. Isn't that amazing? I'm fucking believable that you make those choices.

Like you back in the day, you would drop everything. You'd cancel the club. Cancel every cancel next week because I want to rest. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to win an Emmy for this shit. Yeah. This is going to change my life.

You burn it. You would burn a bridge at a club to do a fucking audition. Like you would like you get this fucking call. You'd have a Friday and a Saturday and they like they need you to fly out today. We can't put it on tape and you're like, hey, buddy, I got it. So you burn that club and then you go do that's why I that's why on the road. I got fucked like I never stayed out there in any consistent way. I never knew you had to build relationships with club owners.

I would take any sort of like opportunity to try to audition or whatever and think that was just part of it. And then like I didn't have no, you know, I couldn't go really on the road. Towards the end, towards I did the longest show in 2005. And I thought that the longest yard I fucking went deep, Mark. And my body created this anxiety. Yeah. I just got this weird feeling on fucking planes.

So I would start a cancelling gigs either a because of the paranoia get on the plane or B because of auditions. Do you want me fucking weeks? I used to cancel. Yeah, because you want to break. I didn't give a fuck. You want to break? Yeah, I didn't give a fuck.

I didn't know about the relationships that people remember. And I used to do horrible things. I just told the story the other night about like, I just used to think like, it's all about me. So I remember one time I was in this, how I learned this weird lesson about that, you know, people have lives. I was at Zany's in Chicago and it like I didn't dry. I was nobody, you know, and I was headlining though.

And there was like 12 people in the room and I was doing one of those sets where I was just like, I was on stage for like an hour and a half. You know, just way over just because I thought like, I'm working shit out. That's what this is for. And I go, well, that's it for me. I'm going to bring the house back up. And I just hear the bartender from the back of the room go, he went home. I'm like, oh, that's not as other people like a lives.

I could have just got off at an hour like a fucking pro. But I'm just going to drag fucking Thursday night people down this hole with me. It was a sad moment. But you see, I'm not great with the empathy back then. You know, I'm just sort of like, all right, man, they respect some people. It used to be a club in Beaumont, Texas. Now his friends with Slade for years. I love Slade daily and he would book me twice a year flying to Houston

due to Thursday night and fucking Houston. And then he's in, he's up in Oregon now, right? Slade hand. Oh, so that's the first name. Oh, you're talking about the other Slade. And he bought this room with a partner. Yeah. For years, he did this room. We didn't know his partner was stealing his coke, his blow for coke. Yeah. It was a pretty solid room.

There was a Houston type crowds that were coming from New Orleans. To make a long story short, I did two weekends there. I still try to do community service by helping our comics to replace what I did there. All right. Oh, I went there one weekend and they would just give me Mexican Coke, that chunk shit. Yeah. By the pound. Yeah. I couldn't eat them.

But the hardship. Yeah. My chickens. It was good. It was tremendous. It was just yellowish, you know. Yeah. And I fucking another week and I went and I tanked up with 30 Valium's. And I was popping the Valium's on. I was laying down on stage. We're being arrested for the stories we're telling.

Oh, please. That's the smartest thing they could do. Are you ever wake up really fucking happy that this is not your life anymore? Dude, how many doors have opened for you since you said no to cocaine? Well, it took a while in sobriety to to to realize that things were better. You know, like it takes a long time to just get your life leveled off. And and then I was it took. It was all the podcast, dude. It was all that, you know, they were talking 2009, 2010, when it started to make a

you know, it was before that it was it was over. It was over. OK, I really did my manager couldn't do nothing for me. Booking agent couldn't do nothing for me. It was fucking the worst. We went to a divorce. Well, 2007, 2000, you know, the divorce finalized 2007, 2008. And I guess, you know, I was kind of tapped out money wise, had a little savings. And we started doing the podcast in New York.

And then I just got in it. You know, I like this mic, you know, I like doing this. And and but I didn't we there was no way to make money. And, you know, comedy gigs weren't really happening. And I had to erase my, you know, I was involved with the political dialogue because I was doing, you know, the lefty talk radio. But I didn't want to do that anymore because it was too narrow. And I just wanted to talk about other things.

So it took a couple of years to to sort of, you know, reestablish or just establish myself in general. And then that's when it started happening, you know, like because of the fucking podcast. There was just like years of being people knew me. I was in the game. I'd done Conan. I'd done Letterman. I'd done all that shit, but I wasn't selling tickets. No one knew me was going to buy tickets.

I had no draw. I had no, you know, I'd had opportunities. I had deals. Nothing. Nothing really came to pass. My space, you went through. I was there. I was there. This is it. Yeah, nothing. This is the nothing. I thought that, you know, I made some money on Air America that first year because they were just dropping cash because, you know, they didn't know better. So I stashed all that money.

And I was the first time I ever made money. That was 2004. And then she left me 2006. So all that money fucking went away. And that just really was, I didn't know what I was going to do if I was going to sell the house. There was no, I used to do a joke about it. It's like, you know, you get to a point where, you know, there's no, there's no turning back. There's no, there was never a plan B

because like you get to certain junctures in your life. You sit there and you're like, oh, fuck this. I could always. Nothing. There's no, there's no nothing. There's nothing there. What are you going to do? You know, so there's that realization. You know, like, what am I going to do? And we're proud motherfuckers, too. That's the other thing.

There's I don't know how the fuck people quit this thing. I at that moment, I'd rather die than like, I'm done. What are you going to walk away from? Then run into people like, hey, Joey, what are you doing now? I just I'm a buddy of mine has got a furniture store. Got nice shit there, mid century stuff. Maybe you come back. Like there was one time where I was in a furniture store and Jimmy Kimmel came in and and you know, I'd met him a couple of times.

I think there was I was doing the podcast already, but I was working on the store and I think for a second, he thought I worked there and it was like, it was so embarrassing because I went up to a waiter, but did you think I worked there? He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you didn't think that I worked there. I don't know how fucking people do that. I can't believe he just said this. What?

Yeah, I go to the store Thursday night, first off, about three days before I got a call from an ex-comic. And he's trying to give me a beating about a comic today. That's kind of hot. Yeah. I said to him before this goes on the long way, you give a fuck. Yeah. Well, I knew him back then and now he won't answer my email. Listen, don't bother me. So, you know, it just bothered me that this guy had sent my friend.

And I go down to the comic store and there's another dude down there. He quit the store and I put the story together later on. But he was one of those guys that's on the store every night, you know, had stories and, you know, he might have got up and he would sign up on the sign up list and he would torment you. He would torment you the whole fucking. He didn't drink, he didn't get high, which made it even worse. I'm trying to work on my fucking son, Danny.

And this guy's over here, give me a beating. He's not trying to just piss on your leg every fucking night. He piss on your fucking leg. Yeah. And then one night he entered with Chewy. I think Chewy bit slapped him. He called 911. The store said, don't come down. OK, he disappears.

Chewy. He's lurking over the years. I've heard he's lurked. This had to be 2003. Next thing you fucking know, I get out of the car. There he is the other night. The other night. Hey, how you doing? Hey, how you doing? They never go away completely.

You know what he said to me? What? Hey, so you still come here. And he goes, I'm done. I walked away from I was one of the smart ones. I have four beautiful girls and real estate business. Oh, yeah. Everything is great. I look at this place. It's falling apart.

And I, you know, I'm old school. I wanted to unload. But I know what difference would it make? Yeah. This guy's living in some hell on the floor to tell him people when he. So why did he go back? Just to do that. Yeah, just to do that.

That's how he that's how that idiot wins. And you know, you know what you do? And that happens. You go to Eric and go, I don't like that guy. I said in the room, don't like that guy. I got a call about a month ago from an ex-female comic because she was at the store and they made her wait on line. There's there anybody I could call.

I said to do what to get her in. I said, you should have stayed at Comic-Con. I got to call you back to the Minneapolis. Bam, hung up on it. What's that? What's that? Was at the store? OK, I'll get. Yeah, I one time was at the store. And, you know, for whatever it's worth, you know,

Keneson, whatever relationship I have with him, I respect him as a comic, but he was a bully and he was not a great guy. And he put me through a lot of shit as a kid. And but like, you know, his brother, Bill, you know, whatever you think about, it doesn't matter. You know, I don't need to. I've never met him. Yeah, I don't need to. I read the book, but I've never. I never I don't need to throw nobody under the bus.

But I knew Bill and, you know, what? You know, it's water under the bridge in a way. But one night I was at the store. It's not too long ago and Bill and his wife, they're all dressed up, you know, and they're they're walking around like they're lost. And they're just, you know, he goes like, what's going on here? I don't know anybody anymore. And I was just like, yeah, it's what happens, you know,

and he's just like crestfallen and they just I just watched him walk away. And I was like, over, it's over. And it's not your place anymore. You know, sometimes like, you know, that place, the thing about if you have a relationship with that store, like you like you're happy for it now. You're happy for the fucking building. You're like, you know what I mean? Because a place was so fucking haunted and so dark and so weird at different

points for different reasons. Like, you know, it's still haunted. No, I know. The heart didn't go away. It's not as haunted as you go down the basement. Never again. It's under chicken. They keep calling me to do a podcast. Where is in the basement? Wait for me.

I just I walked down there the first time the other night. How's it look? That's nothing. Just shit. Just boxes of shit. There's not there's some stuff down there. Yeah. Go and sniff the walls. Bring a dog down there. That's those bodies. I guarantee what's in those fucking walls.

Yeah, I didn't read too much into that. One thing I noticed is I've been talking about that fucking stool in the OR for two or three months now, right? It's fucked up. It's going to hurt somebody. But I do in a bit about it. So I'm OK with it. And then I talked about it on and on for four weeks. I went down the basement for the first time the other day.

There's like three fucking new stools down there. Just sitting down there. So so God bless them. They're like, don't put new one up. Marin's got this great bit. You know, we don't fuck it up. Just sitting down there. I don't trust it downstairs.

But I just all the way to the back. So you guys go to the front where you can still see daylight. Right. That's cool. I don't know. You got to do Jack Cousteau's type shit. I want to call Blake Clark. You got to go deep back

into the murky waters of the underworld. There's some of those guys that have the real ghost stories. There's all door guys, Blake, Harris, Pete. I got to track those guys down. I ran into Blake. I should call him. How long are we doing? We're going to do with some shout outs. We'll do 15 moments.

I'll get you the fuck out of here. My main man Matt Baker up there in Bakersfield, B.J.J. Vladimir Ragnar, my man, Daniel Lyons, Pilates for men, the book. Pearly, Sweet Lester, Chad Rizzy, Sean Begley, Oogie Spooky and a beautiful son, James Harrison, Parrish, Mikey, Tabitha Stevens and D.J. Motherfucking react.

How you feeling over there, Lea? All right. Yeah. Good. You're out there staring into the fucking hemisphere. Opened up with 800,000 a lot. I can't believe, like, since I quit Coke. Yeah. I got married. Yeah. I had a kid. I'm out of debt.

Of course you are. I did the math of what I was spending towards the end. It was horrific. The last four years. The last four years cost my house. Afterward, the damage was six hundred and thirty six dollars a month for six years. We got to pay. The weird thing is, I never crave that shit.

Oh, now? Never. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. But some drugs, like, you know, I knew you still do the weed and shit. Now, like, I don't do nothing except these fucking nicotine things. I occasionally, you know, like I appreciate weed, you know, and I think about it. But like the blow, what a waste. No, no, no, no. What a fucking waste. I told if right now I did blow, first off, I would just break the promise that I made to myself.

And number two, I think I would die eventually because my life would turn around. That aura would come back. Oh, yeah, you'd get all sweaty and go right down the shitter. I would lose my daughter. I would lose my career. I just know I'm one of those guys. There's no going back to that. Yeah, I think I think you should always remember you lived under a rocket.

Always. Always. Remember the rocket. I was talking about doing that one last week and they cut the clip down and I was looking at myself talking about it. And I felt so bad for myself that that was the point in my life I was at. But I really thought heroin would cure cocaine addiction. For the whole summer, I would do a line of coke on Mondays. But type of what happens to you?

My marriage is you're negotiating with the monster, the demon. If you have the demon, you're always in some sort of negotiation with it. And Jim Carroll wrote that about, you know, about it was it was interesting. Jim Carroll, you know, the junkie poet, mint rock guy. After Cobain died, he does a line in a poem. He wrote a eulogy to to Jim to to Kurt Cobain. I don't know, you could probably find a Jim Carroll eulogy Kurt Cobain. But the line was something like, you know, he should have negotiated with the monkey.

And that's all that's what it becomes. It's it's all a negotiation. You just got to figure out what you're going to live with. You know, it's going to come out somewhere, right? It's going to come out somewhere. Did you find it? Six fragments? Yeah, probably fragments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the monkey line? Is it possible to track it?

It's not that long a poem. But he wrote this. OK, I'm looking for a monkey. Yeah, I hope I'm not making it up. But what? Here we go. What is it? You should have failed. You should have talked more like you should have talked more with the monkey.

He's always willing to negotiate the monkey on your fucking back. He should have talked more with the monkey. He's always willing to negotiate. Do you negotiate with your monkey? I'm always negotiating with my monkey every fucking day. Oh, my God. Every fucking day. That's where, you know, it's like, you know, you get you go,

you deal with the monkey and then you deal with whatever you think God is. You know what I mean? If you don't think it's God or whatever, once you get past a monkey, you got to realize this is what life is like and I got to live it, you know, not and not end it. So Jesus, what is it? How they say in a that you give your life to Yeah, something or something like that.

You know, I was 29 years old and I go, you know, what is the deal? I get up in the morning. I pay my bills. I like to party. OK, yeah. So instead of doing two eight balls a week from now on, I do one. I stuck to that for years. Well, that's how I felt, too.

It's like I'm only doing it Wednesday through Saturday. Yeah. No, I would just go one night deep and tell her he was jerking off showers, you know, three days to pull back from like your friend, come over and give you a back rub and creepy on the phone. Yeah, you know, I would. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You call your best friend number three. Listen, you got to come over and the worst we jerking off like four hours

like this, I'm winning. This is like, boy, cocaine's great. Can't call anybody now. I guess I'll just do this for fucking three hours. There was a girl that took to a party in Boulder one time. I knew her from the restaurant. We were friends. I knew her parents. But I had heard through the break bind.

Yeah, she was a fucking savage, Mark. A savage. But before the party, I got a call to put together packages. Yeah. They totaled like two ounces. So I made a ton of money and I made a ton of blow. Which one of those nights when you're walking around with like nine grams, you're like, oh, my God, all I need is to bump into a savage.

And I took it to this party and we did a couple of bumps. And then we went back to my place and we drank some wine. I'll never forget going. I went in the bathroom. I still had a big rock, like I had like a six and a half gram rock. And I remember looking at her and thinking about the rock and going, so I'm going to call you over to call a cab for you. And she's like, OK, and she left.

And I remember I did that whole package and jerked off showers and bottles of booze. I'm like a week later, I go, why didn't I do that? She was right there. That's how greedy I was. This is 19. Greedy, but it's also you had full control of the situation. Who the hell knows what it is? Well, let me tell you something.

I bumped into that bitch 99 in Miami. I said that freak straight jack. He made up. Oh, my God. She was living like in fire, like in one of those cities. And she called me like a week before. They're going to be at the Miami impromptu. Let me come down and visit you one day. I'll tell you a story.

One time I had to come out here. Man, I would come out. That's when I met you. I'd come out for these weeks to do whatever, meetings or whatever and get coke with Bob and one time I signed up. You know, I don't want to mention names. It doesn't matter. But I end up with this girl who works at the agency that I'm just about to start with.

You know, this is way back. I'm still using this. It's like 20 years ago, 18 years ago. And we end up, I'm doing blow and she doesn't know I'm doing blow. But, you know, we're out and we're eating and everything. We end up back her place and I can't fucking get it up. I'm just coke dick. I can't do nothing.

And like I try and I try and I'm like embarrassed because like, you know, I'm just going to be starting at the least I could do is show up for this. But I get and then get anxious and I'm coke dick and I can't fuck. And I'm like, God damn it. And we just had to quit. She's just like, yeah, enough. I'm like, God damn it. So I left and I went back to the hotel and I couldn't sleep.

And I'm like, God damn it. I did some more lines. I drank some more and I just then I stopped and I waited like four hours. I couldn't sleep at six in the morning. I drove back to our house. I can do it. I can do it. Like I'll wake her up and I get up there and I just fuck her really good.

And I'm like, all right. OK, we good. All right. And then nice to see you. And then I left in the bathroom. Thank God. Thank you. Like how fucking nuts is that?

Like, you know, like six in the morning. I'm like, I'm ready. I'm ready. Give me another shot. And I'm so glad I delivered the goods. She didn't really remember. You know, I was so proud of myself as she was. It's not as important a memory to her as it is to me.

I was thinking about the end. I told Lee this story when I first got divorced. When we first separated, I had tons of dough in the bank and I had money in credit cards. And fuck it. I could sit in my apartment and whack off. I had a condo in Boulder. Yeah. But across the street from me was a friend that copped where I copped.

She was a nurse at the Boulder Memorial. Well, I'd go over that two in the morning and I'd see her with the blue suits on, copping to go home. Yeah. And we'd say hello to each other. And, you know, one day I said, let me just fucking take a walk over there. So I would get all coked up, get like my dog and walk across the street, walk on the third floor. I was just looking around and I'd see her on the couch by herself doing the same thing

you were jerking off. Oh, my God. We're like a little crack in the window here. She'd be there with pajamas in a row, but I could see she's trying to watch TV all fucked up. And I would knock on the door. Oh, my God. Are you up? Oh, me too.

Come in. I go in there. We lay down together like this is from the first time. She's like, oh, sit next to me. Yeah. And then after like seven minutes, she'd take my helmet out. She'd suck it. Yeah.

She put it back in and she'd keep watching TV. Like, oh, I'll see you tomorrow. And that was it. That was a whole relationship. So, but that was a side story. I knew her brother. Yeah. Oh, I bump into a brother.

He comes to one of the Denver shows. He's all happy. And I said, welcome to the comedy works last year. Oh, yeah. He goes, hey, I found out about you and my sister. You had a good time. Well, both of you is all fucked up. What are you talking about?

And I denied it. You know, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's crazy. Oh, yeah. She used to suck your dick and fucking stuff. Oh, I'm embarrassed. But he recently, I got a Christmas card. So he's that mad. What happened to her?

She married and she's in Boulder and all right. And that was everybody happy ending. Mark, Mary, I want to congratulate you and thank you for coming on this show. It was a pleasure just talking. Always good to see you. You always. Now I'm all sweaty.

I think I got a drip. Yeah. I think I have. I couldn't handle any of that stuff that this lifestyle. This going from we're too old, buddy. That's another thing. We're too fucking old. We made it through.

Too old. I think we got a shot to live a long time like this. I hope so. I hope so. And fucking Johnny Depp. Well, he's in he's negotiating. You know, he doesn't do that shit no more. But he drinks, you know, you get, you know, you some of you

guys, you get your thing and you just sort of like, I'm OK. I can live OK on this and not hurt myself. Seventy years old. Yeah. I interviewed him and he was pretty loopy, but it was cute. You know, I think people still do blow at that age. I think you do it occasionally. Like, I bet you he'll do a bump, but he don't do it regular.

I think he just sort of kind of does the, you know, alcohol maintenance, maybe some weed. But I think on a nice occasion, he probably do a liner too. I couldn't even imagine. And like I said, I have no desire. I lost that aura. People don't offer me no more in towns. I don't want to look them for it.

Do you miss it? Any part of it? And I can jerk off for hours without it. If I need to, do I miss any part of it? I, you know, you know, you know, you know, you miss is no one you're going to get it. That's the weird thing. You know, you know what you miss is that when you do the package,

like that moment where you're like, that moment, that feeling that like it's going to be OK tonight. It's going to be OK. It never is. It's never a good time. But no, that excitement of when you hang up the phone, I'm coming now. And you're going to get it.

I take a shit first because you're in customs empty and you should everything from the Thanksgiving, the turkey leg, the fucking cranberry syrup, the first, the first line, you know, no idea, the first line when you like, you know, you're getting in and then you go over and the guy's like, I got it. And you like, you put it out and you're like, there it is. And you do the first two bumps. I missed that.

But everything after that I could live without. I miss the blackout on the drive to the ATM and the dealer's house. I would just blackout. I was running red lights at the end. No, I don't miss. I was running red lights at the end, Mark Maron. I would not stop till I got to the Hollywood. What's the routes?

Rock and roll routes? Yeah. The ATM there? Yeah. I would double park right on Sunset like I own the strip. And I would go in there, take 60, go right down the block. We're at Western. Now Sunset and fucking right there on Sunset, Rock and roll.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Across from the fucking talk, the hotel there. Yeah, yeah. And I would go shoot down the block and that was the original package. Yeah. If I had extra dough on the way home from the store, I go to our compadre. Yeah. And I get the backup package.

Yeah, yeah. So the two dealers didn't know you found something. Nobody knew. I had a couple of dealers at the ATM. And then if I ran out at like the one dealer always had really good coke. The one dealer was men's immortal from time to time. So if I went home and that dealer was out, I'd string it out to about a quarter or two because I had a dealer that got off work right there.

Oh, yeah, you had a full-time job. Oh, my God, can you believe this? You know, and a guy once told me, if you think of all the energy you put into. Yeah. To do in drugs. Oh, yeah, so fucking yeah. Think of the fucking shit could happen when you don't do drugs. You just, also you live in a different pace, a different life.

You enjoy real things. You're not a fucking animal. You're not a freak. Because, you know, when you're in that, you're hanging around with people that do that and you think that that's the life. And then like normal people are not even normal people, but even just relatively normal people are like, what the fuck are you doing? Like I had that horrible moment where, like, you know, some chicken

to visit me when I was living at Crestill and, you know, from that. I knew from college and we're doing the all night thing. And, you know, we fucked and it was crazy devil sex. And like, you know, we're up all night and she didn't really do that shit. And, you know, I was sitting there going, this amazing man, no one fucking lives like this. We're fucking living. And like a wife few weeks later, I got a handwritten letter at base. We said, you know, no one would want to live like that.

You know, I don't know what you think it do. And I was like, oh, shit, my God, you're off the grid. You know, you're off the grid. You're living a lot of life, you know. I miss the times. I like my sleep now. I like my peace of mind. Yeah.

The peace of mind is the most important thing that nothing's lurking. I'm not missing nothing. Right. And the last five years, I was just doing it by myself and checking off and looking out a window and now you got your beautiful kid. You got your cats. You got a wife. You got comedy.

You got friends. You got a podcast. You're not all sweaty all the time from that anyway. And we're doing a show. We're on a show together tomorrow night. No, Wednesday night. Felipe, nine o'clock Eastern time, six o'clock Pacific IFC. I think it comes on twice.

Yeah. So it comes on twice. So, but we get it at six also. You gotta get the special cable. Like you get the sopranos at six than the regular people rather than nine. Right. Right. Right.

The East Coast feed East Coast feed. Yeah. But yeah, please watch it. Mark gave me a great opportunity. I want to thank you. I love you, brother. I love you too. I'm just going to read ads.

If you want to schedule, you could schedule it. You want to wait two minutes there? Go ahead. Let me get what you got. Lisa, thank you again very much. Thank you for having me. I love the fucking gentleman in the scholar. As usual, you know me.

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Yeah, but sometimes you leave your own stones and I buy Rolling Stones sometimes for one fucking article. Yeah, and that's it. You look at the pictures in front of you, you look at the pictures in front of you. You look at the pictures in front of you, you look at the pictures in front of you. Yeah. And that's it. You look at the pictures in front of you, here's Joni Collins, you know,

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Fucking savage. You know why? Snoop Tech from fucking on it. The quadricep mushrooms expand my lungs because they grow it up in the high altitude, and that's why I could talk shit for two fucking hours. If not, I'd be over here dying already. Oh, I'd attack. So do me a favor.

Go to Honored.com. Take a look at the alpha brain or the hemp force protein. What do they get, Lee? What's the code? They get the code is church and they get 10% off. C-H-U-R-C-H. I want to thank my main man, Mark Marin. Don't forget the episodes called Philippe Wednesday night, the eight

six p.m. California time, nine p.m. Six p.m. If you got the Eastern feed, that's right. And if not, you got to wait for nine like the fucking regular people on yeah, on Silver Lake. I love you guys. Thank you very much for listening tonight. Thank you, Mark.

Thank you, Joe. Thursday, Friday. I'll see you motherfuckers in Omaha, Nebraska, the funny bone. What I was in two weeks of being Philadelphia. The helium, you fucking dirty cocksuckers. Get ready. I'm coming to your town. I'll see you Friday night, two shows, Saturday, two shows.

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