Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #387 - Steven Brody Stevens

Episode Date: June 9, 2016

Steven Brody Stevens, Comedian and actor seen in "The Hangover" and "Due Date," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get $20 off of your first order of wine curated just for you   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first two meals free!    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/08/2016.
    

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and use Covert Church to save 10% on all of the great optimization products like Alphabrain New Mood, Shumtech Immune and Shumtech Sport. Hey Church, what's happening now bitches? A little old death lepid for you from 80 fucking three. People were smoking bazookas to this fucking song right here. I was one of them. Yeah, old school leper. I still remember waking up and the drummer got in the car accident

and they lost his arm. I still remember waking up to MTV. That was the story on MTV, like breaking story on MTV. They lost his arm, yep. They lost his arm. I think it was January 1st, 1984 or 85. In a car wreck. In a car wreck in fucking Europe or somewhere. Yeah, England. But he came back. Sure he came back. He's still out there isn't he? One arm drummer. The one arm drummer. Fucking giving it hell.

What's happening Brody Stevens? Enjoy it. Great to be here Joey. I'm excited. I'm thankful. It's in the neighborhood. It's nice summers coming out. I'm exercising. I'm happy. I'm very happy. I'm happy that you're fucking happy, you understand me? When I saw you a few weeks ago I could see the happiness glowing out of your fucking pores. It was witch hazel. It was witch hazel.

Lisa, what's going on with you? I'm feeling great. Having a good day. I did some kettlebells this morning. It was crazy. We did 20 swings. We did 10 swings for 20 minutes and that was on the minute with 24 kilograms. Which isn't super heavy but 24 kcal is just 48 pounds. About 50. It's a little bit more. That's not bad, Lee. You're fucking doing it. Lee's making it happen. Wow. That's a lot.

It's four matters, correct? It's not about weight. Well that's what they say. They always say, like the guy said I don't know, I get competitive with myself. Not every class but I try to go up in weight but he's the guy I go with is really big on, he wants it to be perfect form because if you're doing 3,000 with shitty form it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

So you try to get a number of swings and it's a numbers game. Well no, it's a class so he tells us we don't always do swings but we, so like for today we did five presses on each side and five squants and we did that four times and then from there we went to swing so every class is different. So it's, sometimes it's swing for 30 seconds

and just see what you get. Usually it's every minute on the minute for like 10 or 15 swings. Yeah, these kettlebell workouts you do but it gets your heart rate up. Oh I love them. High intensity training and I've been crying to them today also but I just don't want to get carried away. You start feeling good and you overdo it. That's been my problem but that's why I keep my weight down to like just the 25s and 30s.

You've been with kettlebells for a few years now. You've been a proponent of the kettlebell. Well they were fun to do and it was good for once I can get that, you know you can get a great cardio workout and flexibility. So it was all for in lining you up you know kettlebells. Once you do them you like them. You've always been a proponent of the workout. When I first met you in Seattle were you working on that? No. Okay. I mean I played baseball

so I was in college, I played baseball, we worked out but I was also playing baseball. Then I went to Seattle and I really wasn't doing much exercise. I don't know. And your mood changes. When you exercise? When you exercise. Oh yeah, of course. Those endorphins sweat, confidence you know getting a good stretch in you know so I mean it definitely affects me

but you know sometimes I'm taking too much caffeine that's my problem too you know it's like yeah. With a coffee dude? Two or three cups a day. But I'll take a five hour energy I need a kick sometimes to get me going to get a workout in. But it's I'm not saying I have an addictive personality but that could be my problem but I do like working out. I like kettlebells because I feel like it's just

I can do them outside in the sun. Back in the day I would in my old apartment I'd go out in the alley. I used to love going to North Hollywood Park I have two kettlebells in the trunk and I'd go out and play an eight pound ball and I'll stretch, I'll do some swings, I'll do some cleans I'll do some sit ups and then I'll do a lap or two like just walk around Exactly. You fucking get sore the next day Jack. You're like damn I didn't even do nothing.

It's an underrated park by the way and there's a little bit of an edge to it. I like it. I'll go there I'll take a lap there and the kettlebells yeah you just drag them, throw them around. My thing is I'm playing baseball also. I like throwing the baseball so I sometimes I can't overdo it when playing baseball because then my arm can be tender, my elbow. That's why form is so important on the kettlebells but because

I've been building up slowly, am I pitching my mechanics or better? I've been able to avoid injury I'm wiser now. I'm wiser and I'm able to avoid injury and I'm actually doing rehab exercises to strengthen the tendons around my elbow. How did you sleep? Do you sleep well? I've been sleeping great. I do urinate five nights a time. Five nights a time.

Five times a night. Alright here's the clinker. Yeah. You ready? Sure. A doctor bumped into me and said that's what's killing you because that's what was killing me. What kills me is you got a fucking pee at night. And the older you get. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. So for about a year my big thing was to stop at the comedy store and beat the clock and get a Starbucks venti a fucking flat white at midnight. You know I could

do a fucking venti at midnight. Okay. Yeah. From the 30 years I broke that fucking thing. No caffeine. Don't work on papa. Gotcha. I could drink a whole thing of Starbucks and be in bed 30 minutes late. I could do that. Yeah. So mind over what that does to you is because coffee is a duoretic. Whatever the fuck. Yeah. Diarrhetic. So you drink coffee at night and you're off and running. You're having nightmares about people peeing on you. Yeah.

That's how many times you gotta fucking pee. You have nightmares about people peeing on you. Yeah. So I had to cut that out but here's the secret. They say over a certain age now they really confuse you. They say they want you to take an aspirin at night before you go to bed with a glass of water. And I'm sitting there going I took a glass of water and then I'm back to square zero to sleep at me. Everything goes off the window because what happens with me my sleep pattern is basic. Let's say I go to bed at 11 o'clock

I'll sleep solid till fucking four. That's six hours. That's five hours right. Yeah. Five hours. Okay. At the five or six hour mark I gotta pee. So as I'm walking to the bathroom I'm praying to God that this isn't a long fucking pee. If it's longer than a minute and a half I'm done. You pee for a minute and a half? Whatever the fuck. Whatever the fuck. You know you're standing there you're half asleep. I don't know if it's a minute or an hour. I don't know what you're draining out of the fucking out of my fat man body. So when I walk back

what happens to me is if I have a thought lingering that's been bothering me and I let that thought get into my mind I'm gonna walk back to the bed and while I put my sleep apnea mask on it grows in my head like a fucking weed and I gotta get up. Really? So I got sick and tired of that challenging my sleep. So I was talking to this dude and he goes what you do is when you're a comedian you work on your legs. He goes you do five spots in New York when you get home believe it or not your legs have fluid in them. So when you go home at night

the first thing I do when I go home is I wash my hands you're shaking all these fucking monkeys hands you wash your hands and then I get water like a little bit like eight ounces and I sit in the room when I watch TV and unwind I make notes about my set I call Lee, I return a call and I know somebody was up late but the whole time my legs are elevated and you see that in that half hour period that you're cooling down you'll start peeing because your legs are elevated so all that that's what happens when you go to bed at night your legs are elevated so now

all that water that you had in your legs that your fluid that you were retaining you got to pee it out. I think some of it's also medication you're on a certain I notice right. Well I got blood pressure medication so it sucks me to fuck out all too. I'm just used to going to I'm just conditioned now to getting up and going to pee four nights four times a night and I go right back to sleep I'm able to. I'm gonna cut three of those pee if I can cut three of those fucking peas out. Give me a jug I used to pee in a jug. Done, done

what you're gonna do is you're gonna put your feet up go the fucking on the way home go to target and go to the middle of target and look up they got those little feet feet posts. Squatty potty. It's $14.99 and you could take it off and hide your notebook in there, wet your pen, your pot pipe, your lighter, your weed and put the cover over it and sit over it like a fucking Zombo. So that's what I do my shit's all hidden in there. I got a notebook to write jokes in the living room because I can't go in the bedroom because my wife is sleeping. Right. So I put my feet up and I put a pillow up to get it over my fucking heart and all that moisture and your fucking feet and your legs goes

to your nutsack and right before you go to bed you drain your fucking vein. They have beds for that don't they like the inclined beds. Inclined beds but that means you're gonna have to get up in the middle of the fucking night bro these Stevens. I'm trying to save you. That's what I did the jug for and that's not healthy. I used to pee in a jug and started that in New York City. You can't pee in a fucking jug that's disgusting. That's like me getting out the fucking window. I used to do that. Well pee in a jug. Not in jugs and like bottles or cans. If I didn't want to get up. Hell yeah. That's disgusting. I was in a weekly hotel. I was sharing a hotel, a weekly hotel with

Lahai was there and it was in New York City. That's where I got in the habit of peeing into a jug because you had to share, you had to walk down the hallway to use the restroom and go you know what I'm gonna avoid the middleman. Give me that jug. Boom. Started peeing there. So you've been one of those hotels where the whole floor uses the one bathroom. Well I did that for the first. $60 a week one of those days. Yeah. When I first moved to New York City. Yeah. I stayed there for about, I don't know, a couple months while I was looking for an apartment and I ended up finding a studio out in Brooklyn. Out off the L train in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

So you told me to go to New York. You were the one who said Brody, go to New York. You told me that in Seattle. They'll get you. Go to surf reality. Go downtown. Just be you. That alternative stuff or whatever you want to call it. It's crazy how you just gave me a memory now. When I lived in San Francisco, I was a full-time burglar. I would live in one of those hotels where people took the shower in the hallway. So I would rob them when they were in the shower. I'd break for them to go in the shower and then the word got out that people getting robbed when they were in the shower. People

were taking the belongs in the shower with them. It was like a fucking luggage thing they were taking. But I would lock it. Aha. Your apartment. You got it. Yeah. It didn't matter. I had a security key. Oh you did? Yeah. What the fuck you think you're dealing with some novice? I'm going to go in there and you open the door? That's a no brain. That's stupid. Oh you had a key. I had keys. Plural. Oh man. I knew ways. What I would do, I would practice on my own door. Because all the doors were the same. So I would just practice on my own door. So when I lived in... How do you practice if you have a key? Because you practice.

You make believe you're fucking locked out. You never do that. Make believe you're locked out. No. I don't ever... That's how you find out if your house is burglar proof. Oh mine is. I've broken into my... I've broken into my apartment here twice because I locked my keys inside. And I have that window. I still have to get that bar from my window. But I've broken into my apartment twice. And no one says anything. On the second floor? Third floor. Yeah. You climbed through the fucking things like Spider-Man? No. Because there's a window onto the walkway. So I just pop it open and I slide through. But no. I don't do it just to see.

I mean I guess that would be a good idea. Okay. So let's say you live in an apartment complex. It's called Snowmass. And they used to live in an apartment complex. Okay. And that complex is A to K. So that's A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K. Okay. 11 fucking buildings. So all the doors were the same. You follow me? So I would practice on my door. How long it would take me to break into a place? Like on the timer. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Some fucking asshole here? Well I went deep. I went deep. So let's say

I was railing there with the fucking thing. I practiced how to get a screwdriver. Pop it in. Pop out that thing so I could sip my fucking... I used to get sores. Those saw blades. And I would pick your fucking door. And what happened when your neighbors would walk by? That nobody would walk by. I was shoveling snow. They thought I was down there shoveling snow. But were you doing this for fun? Was this a hobby? Was this... When I was burglarizing? Yes. I was doing drug dealers. I would know who the drug dealers were even in Snowmass. They would go skiing. And as soon as they got on that hill, they can't take that pound of coke with them.

So you were going after the drug dealer? All the drug dealers in that neighborhood. It's like a Pied Piper thing. Like a Pied Piper, but for myself. I ain't giving nothing to nobody. So you were robbing from like regular people? Yeah, I was robbing regular people. Oh great. Well I lived in a hotel. They were kind of tourist. I would get travelist checks and bring them down to Japan Town and shit like that. Right. Yeah, of course tourist. They got insurance on travelist checks. Don't leave home without them? Don't leave home without them. I never felt guilty about travelist checks. So yeah, drug healer. That's good. That's good. Breaking in there. You get a rush over that, right? Oh my god.

The other night I was watching a movie with Ed Norton and Robert De Niro about stealing a fucking wand. It's one of the worst movies of all time in Montreal with Angela Bassett and Marlon Brando. I got caught up because it's Jim Norton. What's the name? Jim Norton. Ed Norton. My heart was fucking beaten like I was robbing the place. And I loved it. My dick was, I loved that shit. I loved that. That's a complete different rush than anything. The score? Yeah, the score. Like fighting is one thing. Fucking is one thing. But doing

something of a criminal activity. Stealing. For a long time. Just anything of a criminal activity. Trespassing. Anything. Anything. I loved it. My heart would beat a certain way. My ears would ring a certain way. Do you ever try to sneak into places like events? Just to say, let me see if I can try and sneak in. Even though you can get a ticket. Or you have a ticket. When I was a kid, I snuck into the garden for everything. Because what you do is you go to one game a season. So you go to a Nick game. You pay the $15 and you get the ticket stub. Yeah. So then you take $20 and you put on that stub. Next time you go to the garden and you stub your way

in. That's what that was called in those days. So you stub your way in and basically you don't have a seat. So now you gotta go get a seat. They let you in. You're in. Wait, so for 20 bucks? Yeah, for 10 bucks. You know, I went to see Ted Nugent and AC D's. I put a 10 under a ticket and they let me in. Yeah. I went to see the Sixes against the Knicks on Christmas Day one time. I put a 10 under a ticket. Gotcha. And they let me in. We used to sneak into the forum for the Laker games. Really? Yeah. We would go in there. You can go into the forum. We did it this way. So if we would go in and if you left

the, okay, this is what we did. Basically, to make it a long story short. If you left to go smoke or whatever, they would like to put an X on your ticket with the paper, like an X. So we took the ticket and we slipped it through the door and our friend had the ticket stub. So now he had the ticket. We were in, is this the door to inside the outside? He had the ticket stub. He wrote the X on it, went to where Boomi walked in. You see what I'm saying? Right. It was like real easy. So we snuck into like Laker Clipper games, Laker Celtic games back in the day. Did they ever catch you? No, no. Where would you sit?

This was like standing room only. I don't know. The guys were moving around. We had like, I was like, I don't believe me. I want to see it. I'm not one of those guys who's comfortable bouncing around. The Lakers played at the forum? The Lakers played at the forum. Was Inglewood as scary back then? Like, was it when the Lakers played at Inglewood was worse guys? Inglewood was alright. But no, it was like known as what it is now kind of. It was like a little edgy, but the forum I'm sure was safe in the parking lot. But I used to go to like two or three games a year, like again, when the Celtics would come to town, saw the Nuggets,

Mario Blazers. But yeah, we would sneak in and then also the L.A. King games. My friend worked there. So we would get in and there's a lot of that stuff going on. But that was L.A. back in the day. That was a spot to be. The forum was just I was scared. Like the only place I ever tried to sneak into were movies. That's even scary. No, well, no, well, because I would at least buy one ticket. It's not like I never really went through. Yeah, you buy one ticket and go to three fucking movies. Yeah, I don't even give a fuck. Oh, they don't. They know you're doing it.

Well, you know, give us a fuck that pimple face glasses, motherfucker. That's 16. I know that kid that wants to be a cop in the fucking eight years. I've seen him. He's the one that comes up to you and tries to spray you with the odorant and shit. Like, I'll zap you. But they even told them when he and I did do not use physical altercation. Just let him disguise a fucking idiot. What about getting a refill? I got I got busted one time for getting a refill at a circle day in Tempe. Hey, you know, the lady like clamped down on me. What'd you say to you? She said you can't do that.

I had or I had I got the soda was like a 32 ounce thirst buster. Tempe. It's hot. I remember I'm drinking the soda and like looking at the magazines checking out the stuff. Now, it's all halfway through. Maybe we'll get some more and she like, hey, you can't do that. I remember it. Did she call the cops? No, but she like she like came down on me for it. You remember these incidents in your life when people came down on you for stuff? I remember at the circus one time you're at a circus Vargas. No, you're like, yeah, circus Vargas is like a local circus and they had

it was over at like Hollywood and Highland and this one I was a kid and some ladies that I snuck into the into the big top. I remember she grabbed my collar. I remember it. So whenever I think of circus Vargas, it's still around. I see it. I have flashbacks of that lady grabbing me sneaking in and I wasn't sneaking in. I'm a good kid. I got I'm so upset now. No, but I remember I got busted for some lady thought I was shoplifting. Some people like I've been accused of a lot of stuff that I didn't do. I don't know why I got I got busted for cheating in school. Were you cheating?

Yeah, I was in fourth grade. There you go. And I had the lesson how stupid I was. I had the book under my shirt and my teacher knew it and he said stand up and the book got caught under the desk. So there was that. That was terrible. I got caught doing a not like not shoplifting masturbating. Oh, no, I haven't I haven't. That would be terrible. Have you guys ever got a conversation? Almost. Almost. I don't know what I was going to say. I got caught by an ex-girlfriend.

She wanted to take a shower. She came out. I was sniffing the panties banging one out. You know what I mean? I'm a soldier of debt. It was like eight in the morning. We were snorting coke. I was all poked up. I just sniffed the fucking panties. She came out with a towel and she goes you're not sniffing my panties. I said you bet. Yes, I'm going to come on them too. Fuck that. You put these things back on. You're pregnant as a motherfucker. What about shoes? Like little feet and socks? No. You don't have a foot fetish? No. Really? I like women's feet. I won't sock them or nothing like that. What if a girl says, look, here's panties

or a sock. What do you want to hold? Panties. I'd probably take a sock. Do you? I think so. Somebody was telling me that there's a girl that gets money for sending you grungy underwear. There's a lot of girls who do that. Yeah, they send you socks that are worn or short. Oh really? After they go to yoga. Sign me up. What do you like about feet Brody? What happened? In Japan I heard they do that. The shape of the toe, the nail, the bones. You better put your boots on. Kind of like when they have like when they're lined up good and I like it when they're a little

gony. And clean. I like them clean. I mean, I can get dirty though. I can walk, you know. I'm not a sex fiend with a foot. I like a woman's foot. I think it's beautiful. I think when I see a fat chick with fat feet and she has sandals on at the airport, I want to tell her husband stop. You didn't advise him before you left the fucking house. He got some pair of balls. I would have said, honey, I love you to death, but you can't wear those fucking sandals. It looks like a truck driver's feet. I see it all the fucking time. And the guy

should tell the woman, can I talk to you a second? I love feet. I love you to death. You're a great cook. I love how you dance, but you can't wear those open toe fucking shoes. Every time you wear them, I have a fucking heart attack. I wake up in the middle of the night. Sometimes I think I'm next to a night guy named Nick. Look at the size of your fucking feet. You're a godzilla, but I love you to death. You're the mother of my children. But those feet got to go. We got to do something. They're hoofs. What do you expect her response to be? Oh, thank you, honey. I didn't know. I didn't know. Women don't know. Sometimes people just don't know. I got fucked up feet. I got fucked up everything. I know

I have a lot of feet. I got fucked up feet. I got the fucking nail toe. People look at my foot and jujitsu. I get all embarrassed. I had an eczema. What's worth? So they put a bandaid on my toe. That looks like a fucking half a fag. So I might as well just go with the fungi toes sticking out. I don't give a fuck. I trim it. You know, I trim the fun guy. It's fungus. I've done everything I could. I went Sebastian told me to spray the thing. Oh, listen, I went up and got it blow torch. Do you know that's the server you go on group on and you go to Sherman Oaks and some Indian lady because it's the only people that would do that blow torch. Your toe is Hindus. They're trying to get back

at somebody. You go in there in the morning. They get a fucking hose with like a blue hose with like coldest air ever and they leave it on your toe until you don't feel your toe. Then they blow torch your fucking toe right with like a torch. Yeah, you see the smoke and the fun guy getting burned. Oh, and you could smell it. I was going to say what it's like from the Dumb and Dumber movie. And you go from one foot to the other foot to the other one foot to my wife got it for me for Christmas. We tried it and then I go home and I fucking pick the nail up and spray Sebastian said he had to spray it on his toe for a year every

day. So that's what I did for a year. Every day I sprayed it. Now the nail is half who bots like I've cut half when I go to hotels. That's why I do my footwork. I don't work on my feet at my house. I do footwork in hotels. They have podiatrist on every corner. Joe, are you doing this yourself? What's a podiatrist? A foot doctor. What am I going to foot doctor for? He's going to say he ain't going to help me. He'll help you. You got to trim your feet and I got a sander. Oh, sander. Where are you going to foot sander? You get in my line. I got a foot sander because my feet crack and shit. I got fucked up skin. So what happens is I take my feet. I soak it. I wait till the toenail

comes out. I cut the fungus out. I go deep. I take the brown stuff out. I definitely sniff it. You know what I mean? You got to sniff that shit. That's delicious. You have to listen. Oh my God. Do you like cataloging? Do you have like a diary? No, no. What you do is you take the toenail and you get some toe jam and you mix it all together like a toe ball. And you sniff that fungi nail. Joe, I think I can help you. Let me ask a question. Do you take supplements? Do you take MSM? Do you know what MSM is? I don't know what it is. Do you take biosil? I don't know what it is. I take supplements that specifically focus on skin, connectivity,

those tissues. I used to have skin ailments. I used to have bad nails, bad skin, jock itch, anal lesions. So I got a jock itch that I got a scar on my fucking leg. From the heat growing up in Jersey and scratching, like I have a red scar. It looks like somebody blow towards, like not by my dick, but away on my thigh. From growing up in that heat, that heat would kill me. But these are for collagen. These are for nails. I take it. My nails get stronger. My eyebrows get thicker. I don't have, again, the jock area, the eczema. That's also mental. But I used to have those problems. I'm telling you. And I think if you tried some MSM. MSM?

I thought you would. Do you know what MSM is? No. MSM. MSM. MSM. Yeah, it's basic stuff. MSM. It's in condroitin. It's in joint stuff. But if you take it, it's strong. I'm being serious. I'm a dog.

For skin, hair and nails. Look at my nails. I'll scratch somebody. That's how strong they are. I would say when I heard that story about you having that toenail thing, I say give it a shot. I will. Bio-sil. I got GNC tomorrow. I'm going to go out on the way. Don't do GNC. I don't think you want to stop, Joey. I think you like it.

What, the toenail? Just the process of digging it out. Is that why you do it on the road? Yeah. So the maid sees, like just cut fucking pieces of nail. I take some of the jam from underneath. I don't have to collect them. I take one. I chew on it while I'm watching fucking the prison show. You chew on the fucking item? Fuck yeah. I don't give a fuck. I've eaten hookah's pussy. Oh, fuck.

Do they get reviewed on Yelp? They do. They have a back page for the hand job. Are you serious? Yeah. Can you send me the link? Yeah, absolutely. Joey, when you go, when you do road work, when you're out there, do you get room service every day? No.

Or you don't? I got to go out and see some air and oxygen. Some hotels, they put you at, they put you in industrial parks and shit. Uh-huh. And it sucks because that hotel has shifts on food and you got to eat that shitty food. That pisses me off. Uh-huh. I always try to opt for a hotel with a civilization. Right. If I'm in Vegas, since Vegas is one of the only places that gives you a food allowance.

Uh-huh. I'll go out in the living room and get room service because it's a fucking hike to the elevator when they put me in Vegas. No, I mean cleaning. Like when you, do you have a room service every day? No. Cleaning. That's what that's. I don't want nobody coming in my room. That's what I'm getting at. Okay.

I got a sleep apnea machine. I got sensitivity stuff and I got my computer. So they don't pressure you like, hey, what's going on in there? Why don't you want service? No. They call sometimes and say, uh, can we get you towels or anything? If I need something, I just give the girl five bucks and I take two towels or a bar of soap or whatever I need. So I shouldn't feel weirded out or pressured. No, I don't let nobody in my fucking room. They don't.

There's one hotel I stayed at that actually called like three times and they're like, listen, it's hotel policy. I said, ain't nobody coming in my fucking room. If she wants to come in my room, I gotta be in there. And it's another thing of trust. I just don't want nobody in my fucking room. Gotcha. So there's a lot of guys like that. A lot of people like that.

I'm like that. You don't have room service. I mean, room cleaning. I do. Like, let me ask you, Joey, if you're on the road with your wife, will you? Cause when I'm with Paula, I will cause she likes the bed made and all that shit. Well, my wife is another fucking thing, but I'm an animal. I can sleep in the same fucking.

Exactly. I never like making my fucking bed. I never make my bed. It's overrated. I cover it up and I fix the pillows and fluff them. Why? But for me to do the marine thing and measure, I ain't doing that shit. Yeah.

I can't do that. I'm done. It's hard. You have to have the, what's called in the corner? I don't know. There's a name for that. You have to pick it up and then you tuck the corner and then you have to put it over and it's got to have a crease in the side.

Hospital corners. Oh, right, right, right. You got to have all that shit. None of that. I ain't doing no more hospital corners. I fluff out the sheets. I fluff the pillows. I don't like getting in bed and the pillows are fucked up in the night before.

It pisses me off and it slows me down. Now I'm pissed off again because nobody fluffed the fucking pillows. Now that's another half hour before I fall asleep. Yeah. I've been making my bed recently. It feels good. It does a new change in my life. But you know, here's the thing.

When you're a comedian or you're a go getter or you're living day to day, it's like, you feel different. One day you feel this way. The other day you feel next. Some days I'm inspired to do this. Some days I'm not. Sometimes I'm eating here. Some days I'm not.

It's just hard to stay. I mean, I'm doing good stuff. Don't get me wrong. But it's hard to really. Is it hard to be brody? Or is it? It's a very deep question. No, the question is like, I look at my life when I was unhealthy and I look at my life

when I'm healthy. I have a pattern in the kitchen. When I wake up, when I wake up, I do a couple of CBD drops. You know, when I wake up in the morning, I drink a cold glass of water with ice in it. That's a great. To get my fucking stomach going. You're supposed to. Then I put the call for you.

Then I take this fucking for your throat. Whatever the fuck that is, that shit, that vein in your throat. A thyroid. I got to take a pill for that before I eat. Then after I pop that, I make a fucking fruit smoothie with almond milk and a bunch of fresh fruit and some frozen fruit to keep it a little thicker. You're already ahead of the game. Okay.

And then after that, I fucking do a CBD drop, seven drops in my mouth to break all the cancer in my body. There's some in there. Why fucking wait? You know what I'm saying? Then I fucking spray my nose with the antibiotics, the steroids. How often do you have to do that? Twice a day.

For how long? Until I get the surgery on the 11th of July. Okay. Then I fucking take a shower. I wash my pussy. Whoa. And then I smoke some more dope. You got it.

I eat my eggs, my three pieces of bacon and my one slice of wheat toast. I don't eat egg whites. I don't eat egg yolks. You understand me? I go right for the heart of the chicken. Why fuck around with that fucking creamy white shit that smells like dick? You know, if I smell egg whites fried, I get sick. Yeah.

I can't even smell them no more. So that's your routine right now? Yeah. Oh, I switch it up. I get oatmeal with coconut milk. Who's better than Uncle Joey? I like that. That's great.

I go to school. I got to jump at nine o'clock. I'm out there exercising the lungs. Maybe a half a mile. So I put a mile in. I do my breathing exercises and my walk. Dr. Belize's book. I do the breathing and the walking breathing exercises.

Then I get home. I write for an hour and I put my gear on. I go to jiu-jitsu. And I get beat up by young kids. And I got to do sit ups and push ups. And I figure every time I go, I got to do 25 push ups. So if I go three times a week and 75 push ups a week, you know, this is shit that you don't do at home.

I do that. Right. I get beat up. I work my cardio. I get my core stronger. Okay. I drink a little protein to activity. 26 grams of protein.

Refuse my electrolytes. Yep. I also take a lime and I freeze it and I fucking grind the lime core because it's good for your asshole. What's that thing in the asshole? People die, men die from? Prostate. Prostate.

It's good for you. Oh, cruel one. Both. Both. So you shave the lime. You shave the lime. That little fucking. It's a lot of water.

Powder that comes out of that lime. Yeah. You put it in your, you put it in your fruit smoothie. Oh, it's the smoothie. Smoothie. Because I look in the living room and I see that little girl with ponytails. And I at least got to be around until she's 12 to navigate her fucking Cuban mind to awake those spirits.

You understand me? I can't have a walking around, have momo. You know, it's a different game. I got to prepare for the fucking 2020. I ain't got time to fuck around. So if I could live till she's 12, I'm good. If I could walk her down the aisle, that's fucking better. If I could see her graduate college, that's better.

The way I look at it, it's every little bit helps. Yeah. Every little bit helps. I'm not dying for nothing no more. When we were young, we'd die for stuff. We'd stay up all night to catch a plane. You know how bad that is for you? To stay up all night to catch a plane.

You know, somebody's told me that after I have the surgery, I'm going to lose 50 pounds off the bed. What surgery are you getting? Your nose. And they said, this is why. Because when I first met you, you never breathed out of your nose. And since your body wasn't getting oxygen, that's what got you hungry. That's what made you eat all those sweets.

He goes, once you started breathing and working out, the weight fell off, but I could still hear the shit in your nose. Because I was double taken on. I'm like, maybe I shouldn't have the surgery. And he goes, no, you got to have the surgery. Your life's going to change completely. Because now you're getting more fresh oxygen, which makes your body, and I test my pH every morning.

And it's really amazing. Because like Dr. Belize said, when I leave, sometimes it's fucked up my pH. But after the walk and the breathing exercises, when I come back, perfect. 6.5. You go to Amazon, you buy the pH strips, they send you a row and you do it every morning. And I never do it after Jiu-Jitsu. I wonder what it is after Jiu-Jitsu, because you sweat fucking gowns with that gi on. My gi is outside right now.

I looked at my fucking pants from your back. How much is on your back? Never mind the strip from your ass. Your ass holds sweats, your balls. You wash the uniform every? Bro, every day. It's in the laundry right now. You have a washer and dryer?

Everything. Yeah. See, I don't. I hang it up. I have to leave my knee pads outside. Even cock suckers don't get their knee pads this sweaty. That's how sweaty you get your knee pads at Jiu-Jitsu. Even people who suck cock for 12 hours.

They don't. Couldn't get their knee pads this fucked up. And I think that's really good. Just the sweat part of Jiu-Jitsu. Got to break the sweat. That's what Matthew Metone says. Break the sweat every day. It's like when I do kettle bells.

I wouldn't go home till I saw the sweat down here. Like I won't go home from a workout till this is all covered with sweat. Gotcha. Whether it's the elliptical machine punching the bag. Whenever I did all that shit on my own, that was my goal. I want to smell some of the reefer. Coming through the pores. Coming through the pores.

You know, you want to smell some of this shit. Apple cider vinegar. That's what I take. And that cleans it all out? I can smell it. Like go through my pores. I've been taking that with some orange juice. I down it.

It's supposed to be really good for you. The mother's brag. Mother of the earth. Apple cider vinegar. They say it's good for just detoxing. I mean, everything. Everything. So I take that.

I do need to drink more water. Go ahead, Lee. You were talking earlier about how important baseball is to you. Like it would have changed. Thank you. If you couldn't. If you couldn't pitch. Like, could you do that a lot?

I want you on Periscope. You throw like. Well, that was a one-time deal actually. That was. Well, no, no. But you practice. Baseball's in my blood. Right.

Like, if you couldn't do that, how would that change you? I mean, it would be a... That question's coming out from Lafield. It's about sweating. Because I think that's what you do a lot to exercise. Like, that's what I was imagining. Like, if I couldn't play baseball? Well, I'd be depressed.

I mean, I like throwing the baseball. I did play baseball the other day. Do you have a bounce back in your yard or anything? Anywhere like that? You could just throw a bounce back. Remember those things from the 80s? I do have a bounce back. But I need to put it together with a screwdriver.

Sometimes I'd go down. What I would do is go down to the high school. North Hollywood High School or Rosita. And I'd throw the ball against the wall. Because it's hard to get a catcher. You know, to get a guy to catch you. But my friend, who's a coach with the Cubs. He's a major league baseball coach.

So we would always throw. I played catch with him before spring training. So I'd always get like a month or six weeks in of like good professional catch. With a guy who knows what he's doing. Because if you find a comedian to play catch with, sometimes it's hard. Like, they don't know what they're doing.

It's not as fun. But when you're with a pro, boom, boom, boom. Get a good workout. So for me, yeah, I'll go and throw against the high school. Or I'll do the tubing. I train like a pitcher. But I'm not actually pitching in games. But this game, this charity game came up.

And I had been practicing. I kind of, in my, I did throw a bullpen this year. You know, on the side, I still got, I still have it. I'm not, but I didn't think I'd play in a game. I didn't think I would play. This game came out of nowhere as a charity game. That former major league baseball player put on. So at the last minute, they said, bro, do you want to go pitch?

I go, I'll try. Because I just played catch and I threw a bullpen in spring training. And I pitched one inning. Then I went to two, to three, to four. And it's like, I look pretty good. So just kind of like, it's good for video. It's good for me. I enjoyed doing it.

It was like, wow, I got to kick out of doing it. Brody, in my world, whatever keeps you happy. That's it. Yeah, but it doesn't pay my bills. Who gives a fuck? Well, it's, you know, I think a lot of people could do what I do. Listen, how many people, but they have kids. How many people have a job that can pay their bills,

but hate their job, hate their wife, and they hate going home. Sometimes money isn't fucking everything. Well, money is not everything. I just want enough to survive to keep doing periscopes and pitching. That's it. And you're happy as shit. You know, that's what a hobby is. To take your mind away from the every day.

Drumming, too. Absolutely. You think I'm going to be a world champion, your G2 guy at 53? Is that why you think I go to G2? You think I'm doing this to fight? I do this. So for one hour, it belongs to me. That's all I want from the day.

One hour, that belongs to me. I'm my own fucking Nazi. I'm my own Hitler. I'm my own Fidel Castro. I'm my own dictator. Yeah. For one hour, I leave the phone in the car. You know what?

That audition could suck your dick. If some, the only thing that lingers in your mind as a man is that something bad could happen. You can't be there to help somebody, you know, on your phone. But when you're training your G2, if you're training, you can't check your phone until every 30 minutes. So you'll get water anyway. So something bad could happen. I don't leave my phone in the car because I enjoy it. I kept this in the dugout.

I checked between innings. It was pretty cool. All right, whatever. But I'm saying when you work out, like, that's your own one hour. If that's what keeps you funny is pitching against a fucking war at North Hollywood High. On Periscope. That's what keeps you on Periscope. Then so be it.

That's what people understand. I believe in keeping people's powder dry. People gotta learn how to keep their own fucking powder dry. What's mean keeps your powder dry? Go off the deep end in whatever way you describe it, whether it's alcohol, drugs, any fucking way, losing your temper, yelling at your wife. Anything that controls that shit is keeping your powder dry. If it means that you go to a fucking circus and hang upside down for an hour with monkey shit in your face

and you come back and tell me, but you got a smile on your face. Who gives a fuck? There's times I go on stage. I don't want to go on stage. I don't care what they're fucking paying me. You know that? But there's times I wake up. My back hurts.

I feel like shit. And I said to myself, I'm not going to jiu-jitsu. I go, what is that? If I don't go to jiu-jitsu, my whole day's going to be ruined. Do kettlebells instead? Well, bingo. Well, I understand. And that's what I was doing for a long time.

I would take a shortcut with the kettlebells and not go to jiu-jitsu. No. I want to go to jiu-jitsu. I'm treating this like being an open miker. Remember when you were an open miker, regardless of what was going on, you did that spot. Whether you felt bad, whether your cat was dying, you don't give a fuck. We would go. That was guaranteed every Monday, Tuesday.

I had to apply the same technology to jiu-jitsu because, dog, when I wake up in the morning, I'm overwhelmed. Me too. Stand up. Your agent talking to you about stupid offers. Your wife talking to you about your sore cabin and whatever. It's just ridiculous. So for one hour, I just disappear.

I don't give a fuck. I get on the phone. I say I missed six messages and I fucking love it. Could you do two hours disappear for two hours? Two hours a little tough in my world because of the baby. I try and disappear for about 24 hours. How does that work out for you? Not too fucking good.

Not too fucking good. If I could fucking find you, you can't disappear that good. No. Yeah. Look, I like doing the baseball, but of course I would like to do it where I'm getting paid for it somehow. You know, when I do stuff on Periscope. Why don't you become a fucking announcer?

Why don't you become a major? Bad or ugly? Why don't you become a majorly good announcer? It's not that easy. Who said? Who said? I'm a pitcher, Joey. I know you're a pitcher.

What the fuck do you think half the announcers are? Ex-baseball players. Good point. Okay, so get in there. Stepping up to the plate. You could work six months a year, make you a nut in the other half, go on the fucking road for six months. I should be an announcer.

Are you fucking crazy? With a suit on? They take care of you? You go to different cities? Then it becomes a point where let's say you go to Chicago for three nights stand. Yeah. You do comedy one night. Yeah, because it's a day game.

Who the fuck do you think is Joey Ideas? That's great. You go to the show during the seventh inning stretch. You see what I'm trying to say? Take me out to the ball. By the way, I'll be doing stand-up later tonight after the game. That's it. And people, you'll sell out every fucking place.

You'll do theaters. Yep. Baseball players will come see you. People take pictures. It becomes a national fucking riot. Brody Stevens, why don't you fucking become an announcer? You got into Fox. I need to do.

I do. I need to push. You have a tremendous in the Fox. I'm not pushing. I'm not pushing. So listen, start me up. What college fucking games? You got girls in college that are coming out of high school announcing.

I should be doing. The new baseball. The new Dick Vitale. No. And with personality. Ben Scully is retiring soon. Yeah. What the fuck?

You're sitting on the sidelines. You like baseball. You say. Well, that's what I'm trying to do. Listen, Brody, you're 46. Obviously, you're not going to pitch in the World Series. So you got to make it a different way. What's the best way to be around pictures, to be around baseball?

You're going to be at the fucking, at the city where Chicago. You're going to be in San Diego for the weekend. I'm sure they're going to let you on to batting practice, talk to the guys. Yeah. Throw your teach. They're going to do a segment. Yeah. Throw these minutes.

Exactly. Brody, who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? You think you got some novice? You were there at Best Damn Sports Show. You were there. You were there. I was there with you on public access television. In Seattle.

1995 in Seattle. Yes, you were. 19, 21 years ago. So you're looking at two morons right now, thinking, look at these two fucking momos, talking about whatever. But you know what you can't take away from this? 21 years of comedy. Yep.

That's going for it. That's what so many people can understand when Nate Diaz fought Conor McGregor. I had a bait, but Nate Diaz, I go to jujitsu. I see what the level of a black belt is when they're a real black belt with a striper to and they're in the fucking game. I lay on top and they're not even breathing heavy. They're down there fucking making a call to that girlfriend and shit. Let's not call you back.

I got a three pound guy on top of me and let me fucking flip him. It's amazing. But you know why I had that trust in him? Because he's been doing it for 15 years. When you have somebody, listen, if I came to LA and I got made a regular at the store and for 20 years, I did my spots and after 20 years, I wanted to raise my daughter and I got out of it and people made fun of me and laughed at me. You know what you can't take away from me, bro?

I was at the store for 20 years. I got to be worth something. That's worth something. I had to follow Paul Mooney. You were there with me. You know, you got to follow David Tal. You got to follow people and it's an experience. The experience that we got starting with Seattle, we were there on Monday nights with Mitch

Hedberg and the kid who died from the pills down in fucking Texas and how many people have we seen coming down in this business, bro? He was still in it. Yeah. And you know, people say, oh, you should be the Kevin Hart. I should be a lot of things. I should be in jail. I should be dead.

I should be in rehab fucking right now. But no, I'm in fucking Studio C with Brodie Stevens. Yeah. You know, banging it out. And my little fucking Jew fucking mapper, Lee Syad over there, look at him on 900 milligrams of pure red star THC. Meanwhile, you're sitting at home going, what am I going to do with my life? Look at Lee.

Eat 900 milligrams at four o'clock fucking Pacific time. I kind of want to take a drug test just to see what comes back. Do you think they do percentages? You know, it's going to come back. You got with the blood from those tacos you eat over on Magnolia. There's no lizard tacos. It's he. OK. He always tell you in any place I go, Brodie, he likes to mess with me because I get I get

in my own head. So like when I go to get dumplings, he says, look for stray cats. There's no cats in the Koreatown. And then for this, he says that this dumpling. There's a taco place has lizard meat. I got arrested. No, they didn't. There's Google.

Google has every arrest ever. So you got to Google like a weird animal. Maybe they got the animal room. Maybe that I'm a real amadillo meat. Well, it's a taco place. Yeah, Magnolia. Listen to what happened when I first moved the fucking up here. I said, what a fucking score.

I go to the YMCA, walk around the corner and go to that taco place in the whole room where you don't want to go to the taco place. And I'm like, why not? Is it bad? And in fact, I lied because I've gone over it one time. And I took Terry one time. She's like, I don't like this. The meat looks kind of weird. And that's when I went back to the wine.

I asked the girl, how come you guys looked at me all the way and she goes, that place got arrested for they had like fucking. What's that lizard? No, what's that thing with the stones on it? Not a porcupine, but the other one. Amarillo. Amarillo. What are those fucking things? Armadillo. Armadillo meat in there.

Oh, gross. And they got arrested. They deported the Mexicans who were selling armadillo meat. Even if they don't have it no more, they still got the knives that cut the armadillo meat. You know what I'm saying? You don't want to be involved with that shit, Lee. Then you took your father and he got poisoned. He didn't go.

Would you take up that taco plate? That same taco. No, no, no, a different taco place. We had a lizard burrito. No, he had a good couple of tacos. He just wasn't taking. It's always good on the way down because you're stoned. You don't know you're eating lizard meat. You think that we you're like everybody says it's good.

So you see even though something don't taste right. Oh, lizard meat. Would you eat lizard? No, I'm not I'm I like chicken steak. I'll eat pork. That's a good idea. Bacon, mashed potatoes. It's time for you to take in a great direction.

You would be a great baseball announcer. Right. I think I could work on it. Yeah, I could be a yeah, I could do it. I just need to put the energy out there and make that happen. I put a suit on. Look good. I think it would be it would be funny. I did the baseball all star game last year with the Periscope for Comedy Central. I did that.

I'm actually trying to maybe one day to maybe I like coaching, being a they do have mental skills, coaches and sports in baseball. They have actually the Dodgers actually a few years ago had a positive energy coach. They had a they had a guy, a Russian guy out in Malibu who thought good positive energy for the Dodgers and he made and they paid him like several hundred thousand dollars a year. That was the last owner of the Dodgers. But they do have mental skills, coaches and on that kind of guys.

Now, I'm not a psychologist necessarily, but I played baseball. I'm a good guy. I know psychology, bring a little bit of humor. Guys like having me around. There's a job there for it. I like being around baseball. I get excited being around bait. It's in my blood.

So would they come see you in an office? Would you go up to the field time and go? Hey, probably be on the field. The other night you went over three. Is there something you want to talk about? Yeah, guys are comfortable talking to me like, you know, they're comfortable confiding in me. So and I think there's a there's there's something to that.

I know I know what I when I played baseball at Arizona State, we learned all that psychology, all the bait. That's what I put into being positive energy. Yes, because it does work. It is mathematics in play. It does work. And then also just being a best damn sport show. Applying that being positive,

because when you didn't bring good energy, guys were slouching show. The show wouldn't be as funny. Lights would go off. Things would break. But when I got those kids on that show to sit up and pay attention to these football guys, it made it for a better show.

So I learned about, especially with warm up, how energy comes into play, how it affects everything makes it for a better show. So I was able to work with all these kids, all the high schools, all the community colleges on, you know, sitting up and, you know, they'd like be slouching and go, look, there's Michael Irvin right there.

He's won three Super Bowls. Michael Strayhan, two Super Bowls. You want to talk to them? They're not coming over here because you're not bringing it. Let's go. You know, these kids would come in like goofing around. So, but it really, those years of best damn sport show,

those thousand shows really, I was able to apply the sports with show business somewhat. But you know what, you can only do that so far. Hollywood's more sensitive now. The things I didn't warm up back then, I can't get away with now because these kids complain. They'll go on Facebook or they'll write an email whereas before you could yell at them.

They didn't, nobody had anything. So warm up, the last three warm up gigs I've done have not been fun because they just, they don't want to cause waves. They're just, you know, it's like the audiences are bad and I care about the show. People don't care about the show. I've always cared about the show.

I cared about Chelsea. I cared about best damn sport show. These shows, so these last few shows that I cared about that I'm not at anymore, people don't talk about them. Where I put my buzz and my energy, good things happen. So I stopped doing that warm up. I started focusing on the comedy store.

It's a hot club. I started focusing on Periscope. Boom, Prince of Periscope. So it's like whenever you put, I put my mind to something, I can do it. At the end of the day, nobody to blame. There's no blame. There's no negativity.

But I feel like I'm in a good position. I just, I'm shifting gears going from being that warm up guy. To being the man. To being that man. And there's a big momentum shift that takes a year to, to really like get everything going and then pushing in that direction.

A couple weeks ago I went to the store, Dick Van Dyke was there to see it. Yeah, Dick Van Dyke has been to my shows. Great guy. That feels good to know that. The other night I went there, some Dodger dudes were there to see you. Some old dudes were there.

Dodgers have been there. And they were in your shirts and shit like that. Yeah. So you have a, you have a, people are out there supporting you. I mean, you have great support. You come along. You know, last couple of months,

I've been sitting here with Lee and Josh Wolf came on, you come on, Brad came on, a couple of the comics. That I've known for years and I'm looking at you and I'm remembering you in Seattle. He breaking your balls about the fucking show. And what did he say the other day? That you like, you were driving his car?

Down to Tacoma. Down to Gig? Volvo diesel stash, Volvo diesel station wagon. And I was in the back seat eating Chinese food. Chicken teriyaki from next door. How good was that chicken? Oh, that was good. The best ever.

They cut it with a scissor. Oh my God, Lee, you would die. The fucking salad dressing. Oh my God, everything. We were in there all the time. It was good. I ate chicken teriyaki every fucking day in Seattle. One point or another.

Six bucks? Yeah, it was a deal. Five bucks? Yeah, if that. It was a deal. They were friendly. You know, not too friendly, but nice enough. Friendly, but not, you know, they still had,

they were very Korean or Japanese. It was very, but it was right there in downtown next to the comedy underground. And then that show, he went down to Tacoma, I think it was a bunch of us. And I, for some reason, I just wanted to sit in the back of the car. I was like, hey, you know, and it was just,

Seattle was a cool, it was a cool time to be there. And those late, those summer nights, it was daylight out and it's just like kind of cool. And I'll get in the back and the hatchback. And that was crazy. Joe was like driving at nine, speeding. He questioned, listen, what the fuck? Listen, I love.

I was trapped. I was like a dog. I love Becky's death. I love Becky's death. But when Becky says to me, you know, I went to San Diego, I want to take it and come back. Four hours, I want to smack it. Because I could do it in an hour and a third.

You just gotta leave it at 11 o'clock at night. So I was telling him one day, we're talking that day, and he's pissing me off. He's like, fucking bait me. Like, no, you cannot make it to gig hub in an hour and a half. I've been down there and it's taken me two hours. I think I got down in an hour.

Like I just did 90. There was no signs. There was no stop signs in my world. How normal people drive. At the time, there was no license. Like I had no proof that I had a license. I had a license, but I had no paper license. Like I didn't, in those days,

the last thing I wanted on me was ID. So I never can't read ID on me. I ain't got ID, but I got out of the house. And they let me go. Nobody wants to take you home to check your fucking wallet. So, you know, I just was in a different fucking state of mind. And I wanted a show bro that he would take us down there. And it would take us an hour and a half to get down there.

And we made him like fucking an hour 15. The other day, I saw a picture of Tommy. He's down on Facebook. Tommy used to got banned from the comedy store. And he had called me up and he goes, can you get me back in? And then I talked to, what's his name? He goes, you know, give it some time.

You know, he fucking bits like the maid guy up there. He slipped that bits like the fucking whatever. So, but I was, I told him like the comedy store was kind of weird for comics when they come in. Yeah. That they have to have unexperiencely. I cannot describe it to you. I can't write a book with a fucking,

if Steven Spielberg, who's the author? Who's the best author out there today? Stephen King. Stephen King came over here right now. I could sit with Stephen King for a year and couldn't describe to him what I'm gonna tell you right now. I saw Tommy Easter. He's put a picture up of him with five comics.

Now, for people who don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, break it down for you. When you do comedy somewhere else, beside New York and LA, it's a different mindset. You get raised a different way. You're raised in an old fashioned comedy community. The guy at the fucking bar is a cokehead. The guy that collects the tickets is an old school comic

that did have a heyday, but he really ain't shit. But he knows the business, you know? And when you watch the movie Punchline, that's what made me jump on comedy. It was a fucking dirty club in the middle of New Jersey and the comedy club manager wanted to manage comics because he'd become a millionaire and blah, blah, blah. It's a greasy business.

But at the end, it's your fundamentals, okay? It's your fundamentals. When you move to LA as a comic or New York as a comic, you do not have fundamentals. This kid in front of me right here, I used to torture him at Monday nights about his, he had a public, what was it called? Cable access show?

A cable access show. 21 fucking years ago. So do you wanna question Brody Stevens' resume? How dare you? Or any comics resume? Look at this picture. Now right there, there's six guys at Herb's or the fuck they are.

They're stoned between the six of them. They probably got 2250 on them. Guess what? When they're sitting in their mansion 20 years from now, counting $100 bills, they're gonna miss that time right there. Because there's not a day that I get on stage that I come off that stage at the comedy store

and I don't think of a night at the underground. I cut my teeth at the El Paso club. I cut my teeth in Houston. I cut, I started at Denver Comedy Works. But where I became a comedian and where I saw the best performance of my life was at the Comedy Underground. You know, Laurie Kilm-Martin is still around town.

I opened for Laurie Kilm-Martin the first time. That to me, like I see Laurie now, she don't say nothing to me. And I don't, you know, whatever people will get different heads when they come down here. Till this day I see Laurie and I would cut her toenails because she was the first headliner I got the feature for. Right.

That's huge Becky, that's huge. I couldn't feature nowhere else. I moved to Seattle. I called John Fox, he features me in September. Lee, you can't describe that. One of the best times I've ever had in my life was that week of the comedy, Seattle Comedy Competition. Oh yeah.

Because on that Sunday, we all went to Seattle football game with Al Triferis and the black kid with the kidney problem from fucking Portland, Oregon that I used to call him the- Floyd. Floyd, he lives in Michigan now. There was 15 people hanging out all week.

You know, James Inman and yeah, you like some guys, but for the most part you did like everybody. It didn't really matter. We all knew what it was. You weren't gonna fucking be on a movie or do a movie with Eddie Murphy, but I learned so much in that room.

That's the first room I ever did 22 minutes in. Mm-hmm. You know, that's the first room where I ever improvised in. Think of all the things we learned there. Like that was our first fucking trial in every room. That's it. That basement will lie in my soul for the rest of my life.

And I got all the respect for the comedy store. And I'll tell you how strong that basement is that there's three of us in LA right now from the same class fucking rocking it. Mm-hmm. Me, you and Josh Wolf are still alive and kicking. Still alive and kicking down here. You know, when we cross paths,

I cross paths with you on the Best Named Sports Show. You cross paths with him on Chelsea. Yeah. How could that be possible? Because we learned the fundamentals there. The fundamentals. Did you see the movie, the 30 for 30? With Jim Valvana?

I've seen that. I've seen that. The black kid that kept saying, the math of high school. I always thank Coach Wooden because he did what? He taught us the fundamentals and he showed the basketball game championship level and the guy throws a pass

and he goes to reach it with one hand. He goes, they lost the game. Why? Bob Wooden, fundamental. You never catch a cross court pass with one hand. You always count and you sit there and go, you're fucking right. Championship college basketball game.

You know, we have the fundamentals. I mean, I learned everything in that club. Yeah, I learned about a three-person show. It wasn't a showcase club. It was three persons on the weekends. You had the open mics with a crowd. You know, it was kind of a supportive. Monday and Tuesday was very supportive.

You know, 35 people, 50 people, but Wednesdays belong to us. So either me, Brody, Gavin, Josh Wolf, somebody else got the door, 70% of the door, and we would have to promote it. And then we take the money, we give each other enough money to get weed, and then we go to that restaurant.

McCormick and Schmitz and get the happy hour from 11 to fucking two. They would have a hamburger for happy hour for two bucks. They'd have a shrimp cocktail for two bucks. Seattle was great. It was fucking, it was, you know. Summers in Seattle, whoa. I got arrested six times in 18 months.

You understand me? It don't get no better than that, though. And it's amazing that you're here today, and I was on the phone with her yesterday talking about ridiculousness. Yeah, energies, putting it out. Yeah, I learned that, but you were the one who also told me, like, because when you start there,

you get to a certain point. Like, I made it to where, okay, I was getting to do guest spots and maybe host a show. That's about where I leveled off, because, you know, you come there, they don't know you. It's like, they, you, first impressions. And I was fine with that. And I sold my t-shirts at, for the Seattle SuperSonics.

I just learned to public speak. That was my goal, just learned to public speak. But after a few years, I felt like I was done with that cable access. I kind of had my voice, but I needed more, but I wasn't ready for LA. And you told me, go to New York. Joey was the one to go to surf reality.

And that, for me, was just, I didn't look back. I went to New York and it was like, right away I felt like comfortable. I told two people in New York, you and Mitch Edmird. Because if I go to New York, there's a thousand people like me in New York. I'm going up against a thousand Guido's in New York. If I go to Seattle, there's nobody like me in Seattle.

There wasn't. And in LA, there's a few of us. So when you're a comic, you want to go where you're a novelty. You're fine, if you're a fat little Jew like Lee, you don't want to fucking go to New York because there's a thousand Jews in New York. Yeah, that'll relate to you.

So should I go like down south? No, you'll get killed. They'll fucking kill you at the midnight, you know what I'm saying? Go to Beaumont and tell them I'm Jewish, jump around and they'll stab you with a knife down there and shit. I was thinking Orlando. Oh, they'll stab you down there too.

They only want Mickey Mouse, trust me. But no, you would go to like Michigan. Fuck, what's the cold? That's part of the fuck. That's what builds the character. When I get in the car with you, the gig starts at eight, and we got to leave at five, and we got enough money for a tank of gas

and to stop, depending on how much gas we got, we could stop with an hour left and maybe get some deep. There was no headshots in the car. There was no agents coming to the show. Nope. It was just me and Brody, Brody, maybe Brody had 18 minutes and he was gonna feature, and maybe I had 32 minutes and I was in the headline

because well, I don't give a fuck. I need that $150. You know, that's a bond you build, and that's something to see, that vulnerability that you remember forever. If you think I remember being on the longest yard, yeah, it was great and I had a good time, no. I remember driving back from fucking Riverside,

Riverton, Wyoming with Rick Kearns, and he's drinking Jack and Coase, I think going out of style, he's behind the wheel, telling stories and smoking cigarettes and shit. Oh, the car's going from fucking one side to the other. That's when you remember a comic for the rest of your fucking life, okay? We know, I talk about that story with him in the backseat

because I remember that for the rest of my life. Him yelling in the back, normal people don't drive like this. You know, and us howling, he had his fucking howling. When I get out, I'm gonna call the police. This is kidnapping. Yeah, those are just crazy days, and Seattle was the perfect spot to be.

It was just a hot spot. But then when I went to New York, I really never looked back. You know, when you're in New York, New York doesn't even know that Seattle exists. That's not even, not even on it. And this is the funny thing that I talk about the sort of time that there used to be a comedy newspaper.

The San Francisco scene at one time was so big guys. Oh, yeah. In the mid-80s, it was so big. I mean, from Margot Chow to Bobby Slayton, there was so fucking many comics up there. And the guy, John Fox, who booked Reno, he booked all those clubs, The Punchlines, he booked Seattle Comedy Underground.

He was a part-owner on a club. He put out a publication. They interviewed, but in the back of that, they would have every comedy club, state by state, Arizona, California. Right. And they would have the logo for the club. And I remember that I would sit there

and look at that Seattle logo. And I always had an inkling about Seattle. This was weird, guys, that in 1976 or seven or three, the Seattle SuperSonics went to the fucking playoffs. And they were amazing. They had a basketball. Put a guy named downtown Freddie Brown. All right, downtown Freddie Brown.

This kid blew my mind. So you had to stay up late to watch Seattle, was it? Yeah, you had to stay up late. Well, they're out there. Yeah. And I remember staying up, like lying to my mom. I'm like, I'll be in bed, but watching the TV. And they would show the city of Seattle.

He was drafted in 1971. Oh, downtown Freddie Brown. Yes, sir. Yeah, but the show video. Oh, OK. What do I give a fuck about when he was drafted? I thought you were over for the year. No, I'm looking for a picture of downtown Freddie Brown.

He was this short little chubby guy that drank beers on the bench and popped dirty footers. No, he didn't. He drank beers on the bench? Yes, he fucking did in a brown bag. And he also told him he was going to play defense. He said that? He said that?

He said, listen, you need six, seven points. So you saw you saw that I saw this in 77, whatever the fuck. What was YouTube? It's right up there. No, I get that because when I was there, you know, 1979 finals. OK, Freddie Brown, 1979 finals, game five. OK, you know, this guy was a fucking savage. Look what he was built like.

And they're playing the Washington Bullets with Fred, with Wes on celled, fucking Erlman, I mean, they had a tremendous team. Look at, look at, look at him. Bam, that's all he did, Lee. When he shot, he did not miss. See, he would always come in the second quarter. They had Jack Sigma, Jack Sigma there.

Look at Freddie Brown, Lee, look at him. Oh, that's all he did. He was money. Look at him. That's all he did. He would tell him, listen, I don't want to fuck around. Put me in when you need points. I'll bang out fucking 20 points. And I don't want to play no more over the place.

Throws up a runner. Wow, basketball was fun, then. It's fun again, dog. I used to stay up. This was this was a tremendous Washington Bullet fucking team. How old were you doing? 15, 14. I would cry watching these things.

But you know what? Look at Freddie Brown, bam, bam. Like, like nothing. He just, he don't miss. Look at him, little chubby black dude. He was, you know, in the he wouldn't get out of the game. Once they were up three points, coach, time out. I'm done, coach.

You know what? The Lakers in the 76ers and Magic scored 40 seconds, 46, 42 points in 1970. Look at this one. Look at this one. Bam. Look at him. He's on fire by himself.

That's it. Now he calls the time out. What I tell you, Seattle first lead of the game, he's out. That's it. He's called the coach. I had enough of my lungs. I got a smoke of cigarette and shit. But the Lakers 76ers, that game where Magic scored 42 points

to clinch it, that was on tape delay. That wasn't live. That's where basketball was. That was on at like 11.30 p.m. on Channel 2 here in LA. It was not live. That's where basketball was. Wow. So this game, I'm sure, wasn't live.

You're watching a tape delay or something. But yeah, we'll hold on. Gone late at night still. It was looking Freddie Brown on the floor. That's it, coach. I can't, look, put that back. He popped it. They knocked him down.

Look at him. Watch this fucking shot, Louis LeBlanc. Did I miss it or should I go back further? Once more, so let's see if they show the instant replay. Look, they even play funky music. Look at him. Time is the coach. Where's my beer at?

So that's what triggered. That's what you saw that Seattle stuff. I love the Seattle thing. I'm like, looking at this fucking Seattle thing, I'm going, wow, there's some cool white people up there. I want to go up there. I heard about what's his name. Was up there killing chicks.

I go, I wonder what the fuck's going on up there. And then when I watched Goodfellas at 91, he went to Seattle and he got arrested for selling coke. So I'm like, wait a second, there's going to be something going on up there. So that was one of my dreams to go to Seattle. I was like, I had to go to Seattle and do fucking comedy. But how am I going to get up there? I got a road geek to Michigan.

Well, I'm in Michigan. I finished the fucking league. You're going to love this one. I've got to tell you about this one. I'm not in Michigan. I finished the show and this girl, a hot girl comes up to me and says, do you want to have a drink with me and my friends? I say, yeah.

I end up talking to her and her friends. I go, I got to go because they didn't have weed or something. I don't want to sit here with these fucking stifs. I go back to my room. My friend goes, where are you going? I go, I'm going back to sleep. Thank you for coming to the show. He goes, listen, man, I can't drive.

I'm hammered. Can she stay the night with you? This only happens when you're a comedian. Can she stay the night with you? Oh, yeah. And I go, what are you talking about? And she's like, yeah, I know you have two beds. You were talking about it.

Would that be a problem? Can I stay the night with you? She's got a mini skirt on with eels. And I'm like, oh, this is going to be a long fucking night. We go back to the room, we watch a movie. She stays on her side of bed. I stay on my side of bed, whatever. Fucking three hours later, I wake up to her on the phone

crying with the ex-boyfriend. He's telling me he's coming over to beat me up and shit. She's saying that she didn't fuck me. She wakes me up and asks me, you fuck me. And I'm like, what the fuck am I waking up to here? Yeah, it was fucking. So after all this drama, I go, you know what? After all this drama, you might as well fuck me.

Oh, wow. Oh, you know me, dog. I asked her right out. This is bullshit. Now you're going to have to give me a piece of that fucking ass. Yeah. And what'd you say?

Give me a ride home. I'll suck your dick out of my house. Nice. So I gave her a ride home. The other thing I didn't know, the house was two hours away. Oh, yeah. It's a long B-Jay. So on the way home, I go, listen, dog,

you can't just sit here like this. And you can't smoke cigarettes in my car. And she goes, what can I trade you? Go take your fucking clothes off if you're going to smoke in my car. She took her clothes off. Oh, god. This chick was crazy.

And I dug it. I had been single. I had loved crazy women. I'm like, I got to take a ride. This is tremendous. Went back to a house. And guess what? Went back to a house.

I felt so bad, guys. I didn't have sex with it. Like, I had such a good time with it. Like, she took me out of my funk. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, sometimes when you're in your funk, and you just bump into somebody. And at that time, I needed Coke to do everything.

I sat with this girl for three hours. I didn't need Coke. I talked to her. And at the end, I go, you know what? What am I going to gain by trying to fuck this poor girl? She's got this idiot boyfriend. I'm going to cause more problems. I don't even know if he's outside with a car.

I don't know what the fuck's going on. I got to talk. In those days, I had a flare, a hanger, and like a fucking BB gun in my car. You know, I had nothing. I had no weapons, no protection. So I dropped her off. I gave him my number, guys.

Come on. This hot girl is not going to fucking call me back. I just tried to finger her on the drive. She's not going to fucking call me back. Guess what? She called me back. And she came to Boulder. She drove to Boulder.

She stayed in Boulder for two weeks at my basement with me. We cooked, we were camping. We had a fucking great time. And she says, I'm going to meet my friends in Seattle. I only got a job up there as a stripper. And if you want to come up, you come up. This is my fucking dream.

I'd love to go to fucking Seattle. I'm not going to do nothing here in Boulder. All I'm going to do is kill my ex-wife and end up going to jail. That's all I'm going to do here. That's the truth of the matter. And then I got banned from the comedy works and it all fell.

I follow life. Life gives you their own signal sometimes. I got nothing here. No job. I'm delivering Chinese food and selling Coke and trying to do comedy at night. That's not going to last. That's not going to fucking last.

You know, you can get a fight for a little bit. I fucking drove up. I did a triple run. Yeah. That dropped me off like in a mile, a couple of miles from Portland. He used to have a room in Vancouver. And I drove all night and I moved him.

And then things happened. Yeah. Then things happened. But we live and we learn. Her and I still talk. And you know what? I got the comedy college that I wanted. We were in Seattle.

We did the contest. It was an education. You know, Aisha Taylor came in fifth. I came in sixth. I got no fucking. Even Aisha Taylor was on all those shows. She was up there with us there. I miss Seattle.

It's one of my towns. I actually like to think about it. I feel like just living up on Queen Anne above the space needle and look out over the water. Because I was in Arizona for five years. I went to school at Arizona State and I grew up here in the valley. So I wasn't around rain or snow or anything like that.

So I really did the fresh, clean air. I was like, I needed that. I needed, I needed the arts. I needed to be around grunge, even though that was wrapping up. But I was the name of the cook at the fucking underground. The young kid with the long hair that looked like Chris Cornell.

That became my brother. At the end, he became my brother. It broke my heart. I heard he got married and became a born again Christian. I forget. That dude kept me alive the last three months in Seattle. I owe that kid my life. I really do.

I can't remember what his name is. He came down to LA one time and I picked up packages for him. He goes, I'm gonna meet at the county store. And then he called the next day. He goes, listen, the girl I'm with, she's not partying. She's the manager of the band.

So I really can't party. And I was upset for like an hour. I understood it, but then he never called again. And then Josh went up there and bumped into him. Yeah. Josh, do you remember the cook I'm talking about young? I do. There was a fat Mexican kid.

It just, he wasn't that friendly though. The fat Mexican kid was a scumbag. Once in a while, he gave us free nachos and shit. Then there was the Filipino bartender upstairs. It was a dick to us. Anthony was a bartender upstairs. The Filipino guy, he died after we left. We had, and at this bar,

Brody Hill was downstairs. Bill was downstairs. He would do coke with the Asian. That was his girlfriend. I remember going there on a Monday night and the Asian waitress, Bill's girlfriend, and Bill had done heroin. Heroin.

The open mic started at eight. And the fucking waitresses are like, this is the table. They're fucking nodding. And I had to get the door guy who's on Facebook now, the older guy with the long hand with the glasses. Carl? No, a different. Clay?

Clay! He did? Yeah, about a month ago. He's living somewhere fucking Bangladesh. Good guy, Clay. Clay's like, you gotta wake up. He came to me, Clay. He goes, can you believe these people

did fucking heroin before work? This is how crazy this was. Then we used to go to Club Name Giggles and torment them. Terry? Terry. No, Terry Taylor wouldn't let me in the bar. The guy before?

The guy before I tormented the Vietnam vet. That was a pilot. Yeah, I didn't really know him. But he would always comment on everybody's act. Right, but he would comment on you, but I would be clean when he came in the room. When he left the room, I would work dirty. And he would blame it on the other comment.

I'm getting complaints. Somebody's working dirty behind my back. Who's cursing on stage? And he went after the track guy one day. Brad Upton? Brad Upton. Brad Upton's like, can you believe this? I'm the cleanest guy in America.

This guy's accusing me of cursing because of you and Brad's not a rat. Brad Upton's such a solid fucking guy. I just can't believe that. What was that guy's name? I can't believe that we're still here, bro. He's doing comedy. If we could buy now, look how many people gave up.

I don't know what I'm gonna be doing in a year from now. But who gave up? Go ahead. How many people that we do comedy with? I don't know, I'm not doing comedy no more. There's a lot more of us that aren't doing comedy than a lot of the kids with the handcuff on his wrist, he killed himself.

Who's that, Jeff Masterson? Oh my God, you got a memory of a hog. No, I know that, Jeff Masterson. Rita Holt died. Right, okay. Rita Holt died. Did you ever get into a fist fight with Rita Holt? No.

Did she ever yell at you? Not really. Did you like it? Did you talk to her? She was on our cable access show, Rita Holt. Did she show you her dick in the jar? It's in a jar, right? It's like an amazement jar.

Told you, Lee. I don't think you ever told me that. She kept her penis in a jar. That was the original transgender. 20 years ago, we were already banging it out with a transgender. Some of the best fucking laughs I ever got were that fucking transgender.

But Seattle comedy was about, you know, all that. Rico, the fat black guy that, I told him to pick me up when the cops were looking for me. Rico had the fucking spider on his face. You can't write this. James Hennigan. James Hennigan, the old guy left his wife at 50

to start stand-up comedy. Kermit Apio. Kermit Apio won the Seattle comedy competition. I remember him when I was a host. Vince Valenzuela. Vince is here. He's down in LA? Yeah, he's in Santa Monica.

He's on Facebook. Oh, okay. I just saw, he put something the other day and I'm like, listen, I've forgotten all about Vince Valenzuela. I got to Vince Valenzuela like I just forgot about him. It happened sometimes. Vince Valenzuela was the first person

I ever did Moscow, I don't know what. I've been there. On a Saturday, we drove and they would send us those tequila shots, those fucking prairie farts with the Tabasco enemy. Fucking holy, Lee, Lee, Lee, what you fucking missed. Was that a rough room, Moscow or?

Yeah, they were college kids. It was the university, it was Washington State University. I did it a few times. I saw the quarterback back up there before he went to New England, Lee. I saw him up there one day at the airport. Drew Bledsoe. Drew Bledsoe.

I did that room with Josh. Yeah, like Todd Sawyer and Dean. Todd Sawyer's down here. Todd Sawyer's down here. He's a writer for somebody. I used to see him. I think he's overseas. I think he's like in, he's in like Thailand now.

Is he? Okay, man. Kelly Moran, he passed away. He passed away. The girl, the wife is still here. Val Myers. Myers is still in LA. Al Fox.

Al, I don't know where Al Fox is. He's still maybe up there. Yoshi texted me today. I know that fucking, the black kid's still doing comedy. Floyd. No, Count Hopkins the third. Count Hopkins the third, yeah. I know, he's still doing, it's just amazing.

Chaz Ablen. I don't remember Chaz. He was friends with, he was friends with Mitch Hedberg. I remember Chaz now. Okay, yeah, is he still in town? I don't, I think he's up there. Wally Glenn. Ron Reed.

Carl Warmerhoven. We learned a lot up in Seattle. That's why I worked at that club. I learned about seating the clubs. I learned about the restaurant. I learned about the bartender. I learned all about Seattle. I learned about everything about comedy at that level.

I just wanted to learn to talk. And I was so nervous just speaking on camera. I mean, off the, the off mic, the, you know, doing the announcements. McClay taught me a lot about work in the door, but I was never, I didn't like love it. I knew that I had to do it. I had to educate myself.

You know, I knew it would be good for me. Have you come to LA? I know for a fact that there's a set that I got on one time, but I had no idea what I was doing until this fucking day that casting director's mad at me. He's so fucking mad at me that about a year ago, I got contacted by a cast, the star of this fucking stupid show on YouTube.

This was when YouTube was buying shows and he said he wanted to cast me for three days. He goes, the casting director's gonna call you. This guy never called me again. It hurt the shit out of my feelings. One day I'm in Hollywood, I bump into him at the doctor's office. I go, can I talk to you for a second?

How long were we fucking friends? I go, you never call me. He's like, listen, man, I don't know what you did, but that dude that refused to have you on the fucking thing. Do you know why Lee? Because I didn't know how to step on the line. I didn't know how to, when they said action, I didn't know any of that stuff.

It set me back so much that that Monday I had to borrow $500 from Josh Wolff to get into an acting class. I'm not ashamed to say that's how bothered I was from my performance. But when I lived in Seattle, somebody got me a job. Laura Crocker got blessed or so, got me a job, doing industrials on Saturdays.

They gave you 100 and a quarterly for four hours of work. But it's like a video for Sony. And the guy's talking, hi, my name is Lee Syad. Here at Sony, and it's me and you walking with boxes, making believe. So at least you watch, you know, I was never an extra, but I did those industrials. So do you understand what I'm trying to say to you people?

By doing those things in Seattle, nobody ever yelled at me because, you know, when I came down here, I did baseball and I didn't really know what I was doing. I did a couple of things I didn't know what I was doing, but people filled Jan and people were nice. On this particular thing I did, the people were just scumbags. They didn't like me from the minute I walked in there

and now I didn't know what I was doing. I'm a fucking comic guys. The guy hired me, seen me at the fucking comic store. The guy cast a thousand fucking movies. He knows what he's doing. Just tell me where to step and what to do. The people were just scumbags. So, but if I would have had that opportunity in Seattle

to shoot a short film in Seattle or something, I would have known that action. You follow me? And that's the point of this whole thing, that the reason why maybe we're here is because by the time we got here, we were seasoned already. We knew our way around the fucking thing.

Yeah, that's why I did that cable access. I got, I was able to do live television and see what would stick. And then you get feedback that week or people come up to you on the street, hey Brody, hey Tana, we loved your show. We love when you do that. We love when you do that.

We did it all in Seattle and we did crazy stuff. You know, if people unearthed those tapes, it'd be kind of embarrassing, but. People still have them. People have the tapes. I have one of the tapes. Yeah, somebody unearthed one a couple of years ago. I saw it online, I was laughing.

But we would get fan mail. And the reason why I did it is like, those other guys had that TV show, the Heckler Line, Jeff Masterson, all these guys and they had a crew and they were popular and I was going, I can do this, I think. But I didn't have all these friends for a crew.

And then right after that, they had this hotline studio, which was about a size of this room with two cameras. And you didn't have to have a crew. It was just you with, you take a 30 minute class and then you're set. And then I did that. And I felt like I can get practice being on TV. No one's, you know, and I just built up on that.

And I just went that way. It just like, I just, again, that's kind of how I do everything. Like I kind of do it. You do what feels right. And then if you get feedback like, this is good, this is good, and you keep doing it. So Seattle was great for all that.

The cable access, selling T-shirts for the Seattle Supersonics, that kind of stuff. Doing the whole comedy underground. But after two and a half years, you hit that plateau. And you go, I'm ready for that next thing. But I'm not ready for LA. I always wanted to go to New York. So my friend got the job at the Yankees.

Joey said, go out there. This is before the internet. So I'm researching everything. Go to surf reality. That's where I went Sunday nights. Boom. Cause now you're going from four to five minutes, maybe to eight minutes guaranteed.

And you're right there. And I would just do that. And I would do Sundays and Wednesdays. And I became a tour guide at Radio City Music Hall. And then I just fed off the energy of New York and was worked on being myself. You know, they weren't, New York wasn't intimidated by a guy with, you know, loud.

You know, it was like normal. So then I was there in New York for three years. And at that point, I felt I was ready to come back to LA. But you got to go away. I see these guys and I go, go on the road. Got to go away. Go away somewhere and come back when you're wanted. Even when I went, when I came to LA my second year,

I disappeared for 11 months. I basically lived off boxes on the road and I sent clothes home and I'd sell CDs on the road and buy new CDs. It was fucking crazy. I had a system down. And all I would have to do on Monday was call like three or four bookers.

And I would book the year, but I would live off fallouts during the week. I had Roger Paul, I had the guy in Michigan. I must have had six guys across the country that I would call and go, hey man, if there's a fallout, I'm right here. And people would fucking call me back by Wednesday and go drive up to, you know, I don't even fucking know anymore.

He's crazy. Roger Paul had a lot of gigs. We did those. Walter Moore, you know, he got me a gig one time on a bus. Tour guide type doing comedy on a bus and shit. You know, you just learning the ropes. What happens is if you don't have that piece and you come out here and let's pretend

that you're good looking or your girlfriend helps you write eight minutes and most of you get a little fame with that eight minutes. They're gonna throw these things at you and you're not gonna be fucking prepared. And that's where people cave on you. They give up on you because they assume you know these things.

They assume you know these things. Listen, I don't fucking hate acting class, but you gotta hit acting class for 60 days just to get the ropes and see what the fuck people are talking about. So you don't stare at them like a fucking stranger. You could be the best actor in the world. And if you're holding up the set

or something like that, people are gonna get pissed and you could be replaced. Time is money. Yeah. Listen, time is fucking money. You know, they tell you all this shit, you know. Well, you could live in New York

just when they call you for an audition, fly in. Really? Really. Like they're gonna wait for you to call fucking jet blue and schedule your trip around. It's a, I'm just really happy to see that you're still doing it. I need to take acting classes by the way.

Well, right now there's not that many fucking auditions. The best thing you can do is get together with four guys. Four comics and go listen, 730 at night, Tuesdays from 738. We're each gonna do a fucking scene. That's it. And it's all up to you guys. The first guy who don't show up,

that's it, don't come back and get another guy. That's how you do it. For you guys to pay somebody at this point, listen, man, we got, you're at the store every night. You're at the store every night. That's the best fucking- That's good training right there. Fuck yeah, that's the best.

That's why Harrison Ford don't let comics in his movies because our timing is that much fucking better, dog. Cory Mack, I love you, cocksucker. Gray Ansoncion, Death Squad, M-U-F-C. Shane Cheverez, Brett Malin, Chet Rogers, Tal Yaffe, and Bob Lalingas always in my fucking heart, as long as Uki Spooky's lurking, and Bobby and fucking Christina down there

in Austin, Texas posting fucking pictures of food and whatnot. Lee Sayat, what's on your mind? How you feeling from 900 milligrams of heavy duty boy today? I'm feeling pretty hot. You're having a good week? Yeah, I'm having a good week. You're training, you're back.

When is mama leaving? When does she take the test? She sells like a month and a half. What do you got this weekend, Lee Sayat? This, I think I might be going to see Tom Segera in Irvine, but other than that, oh. What night is that? Maybe Saturday.

Very nice. But I was actually wondering, because I don't know if you can say it's Seattle, but both of you are people who are very unique. A lot of times when you go to the store or the Laugh Factory, comics will kind of blend together, but you'll always remember, Brody, you'll always remember Joey.

Is that from Seattle, or where does that come from? Because not everyone has it. I mean, maybe, I don't know. Seattle probably had something to do with it, but. Because Brody, my girlfriend got us tickets to the show in Irvine, The Oddball Tour. And those are, in theory, the best comedians in the world. And you were running the side show,

and then you hosted the main show, and my girlfriend, at the end of the night, and we still talk about you, because you always pop up on Periscope. You were the highlight of the night out of the A-list, whatever, comics. Yeah, that was one of my better shows, thank you. Yeah, it was, you know, a lot of it,

you had to just put out energy. I think we had some really good people back in the day, some fun comedians that it was a good creative scene. And like I said, cable access for me, and just pushing each other. I mean, and I don't know. Maybe everyone had their little scene, but I think Seattle was different.

You know, it was probably right up there with like a San Francisco and a Boston at its time, in Chicago. At that time, it was my worldly. I had some places, I had two places to go on, I had three places to go on Monday night. I had two places to go on Tuesday night. I don't know where we went on Wednesday night.

Tacoma? No, Tacoma was Monday nights. Then on Wednesdays, there was a road, there was a bar, we used to go it up to in that town, where all the boats landed. And then I know Sunday was Bellingham, but that was a complete different thing. I mean, during the week.

And then Laura Crocker booked a bunch of gigs. We used to do comedy in, but I'll tell you who I had one of the best nights of my life with was that fucking transgender chick. Rita O. All right, so this is gonna take you motherfuckers deep. I get into a fucking fist fight with my girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend,

and they throw me in jail. I come out, I'm living with Rita O. In her spare bedroom. Do you remember that, Bernie? I knew you had some, I don't remember you specifically living with her, but okay. I had like, I had spent three weeks with Rita O.

And Rita O, on top of being a transgender comedian, you know, you motherfuckers, read the papers or read your people magazine, you make your opinions about transgender people. I was around a transgender person for 18 months, and I learned a lot. You know what I fucking learned, man? She was very nice, Rita O.

First of all, Rita O got pills from the government for her transgender issues, and she pretty much sold them. She snored a blow, she was a fucking. She would drink three pints of vodka a day, two pints of vodka a day. Like her breakfast was orange juice and vodka. God bless her soul,

because whatever she was, she was very good to me. She, you know, she was a man, right? And then she became a woman. She was half Japanese, half something. And she cut her dick off and put it in a jar. I mean, she didn't cut her dick off, but you know, they did it at the farm, whatever the fuck they do it. And she kept her dick in a jar.

Did she really bring it on the show, Brody Stevens? Are you breaking my balls? I did not see it on the show, but I didn't hear. That her dick was in the jar? Yes. Because she told me it was in the safe. She goes, I have a safe and I have it hidden in there. I don't think she took it out of the fucking safe.

Is it like floating in water? Is it safe to never refrigerate her? I don't fucking know. I never even want to. Floating from aldehyde. Why would I want to see somebody's dick in a jar? That's the last thing I want to see. So I never even let her go there.

You don't want to know how big it is? No, she was tiny. He was tiny. Yeah, he was small. She was small. Dorito was five foot two. But she would talk with that soft voice. But then she goes, oh, hey, there you are.

Yeah, get away from my nachos. And then she'd do that for you. And she got one of you fucking guys down. You're fucking laughing about me because she had a wig. You know, she wasn't the best looking fucking little trainee you ever seen. She looked like a little leprechaun. God forbid me, I'm seeing her face right now.

And she had like fake eyebrows. You know, it was just a nightmare. And she was five foot two, but she wear heels for somebody who was six foot five. So she would walk like really slow. She'd say, what the fuck is wrong with you? You know, like she was with her cigarette, with the cigarette and shit.

But the whole day she'd be drinking. And what people don't know that I learned was that, I don't know how to say this without offending until they come back to bite me in the ass. Don't say it, Joey. I would want to be in. She was done. Well, I had a ton of conversations with her.

Because when she switched, she thought she made a mistake. What do you mean? That's what made her drink. And that's what the world don't know. That once they make that jump, there's problems. The rate of suicide is really fucking high. That's what America doesn't know.

All this thing that's going on right now. Like, it's a tough thing that happens with transgenders. And I got to know her, you know? I talked to her, she'd tell me her problems, but the best, Lee. The best. If I go comedy nights, pound for pound. One of the best nights that somebody put together

a comedy show in a town, about 15 minutes from the underground. But salt, but something bad, something. Me and Josh Wolf. Bothel? No, that's where the Mexican restaurant was. Me and Josh Wolf lived up there with Mark Madison. Bad, something.

Anyway, somebody put together a show. The conditions of the show were- Ballard. Ballard. Conditions of the show where we couldn't curse. That was the conditions every week. Every week there was drama. Every week somebody would, and the owner would stand

10 feet from the fucking stage, and as soon as you cursed, he would walk on stage, take the microphone from USA. Okay, good night, ladies and gentlemen. Comedy show is over, and you'd start arguing with him on stage. Come on, I just said shit. I told you, no cursing.

And you'd be like, come on, I just said shit. Give me the mic back. Okay, people, okay, one more chance. He's not gonna curse. Thank you. Drink specials, $2.99, and he goes to the side, and all of a sudden you do two more minutes and you lay a fucking asshole.

Okay, castle, that's it, everybody out. So, every time he'd see us walking on Wednesday, he'd pull us aside. Listen, guys, tonight I got a family here. I got my sister-in-law's family, the kids are here. No cursing. We'd all look at each other like, watch this. So, I cursed, somebody else cursed.

He's threatening to cancel the show. We put Rita O up there. Uh-oh. And she goes up there and she's bombing. And finally she just fucking snaps. And says, what do you have me do? Show you my dick in a jar? You fucking pricks, motherfucker.

And she just went off. The owner didn't know what to do, because he thought Rita wasn't gonna curse. He was sitting down, eating dinner. The food were flying out of his mouth. He ran up there, took the mic from Rita. Rita refused to get off stage and he pushed her. Oh.

All right, so now we got drama. I'm gonna call the police. You call whoever you, I'm gonna call the police. And she's like, I don't need the police. I have a gun. She had a gun. What? Rita was like, dog, you have no fucking idea.

You have no fucking idea. She had a gun and everything, Rita. Rita used to get beat up. She was four foot, fucking nine. She was a leprechaun. Her head was huge. How big was her fucking head? Size eight legs.

Oh my God, huh? New era. Her head was fucking gantus. Bigger than mine? Lee, your head is small. Mine and your head is small. No way. But she was a four foot two.

That's what fucking makes it even the weirder, that that's what she was a little body with heels on. So, what are we talking about? Okay, so the guy throws her out of the club. And she's like, Joey, whoever you guys gotta stick up for me. We're like, dog, what do you want us to do? You can't curse.

But you guys fucking curse. And I go, yeah, we got thrown out, didn't we? We don't have no money. So now we go back to our house. On the way in the car, wherever I'm with is tormenting Rita. Rita's like, I know my fucking rights. I know my rights and there's a transgender.

I'm a fucking disability. And she's yelling in the car and she's packed off. Listen guys, this woman would drink and drive at the same time. Like, I'm not talking about drink and drive. We could drink at a bar and drink. She would drink and drive. And not a drink, mixed drink,

but the bottle at the light. She was out there, guys. It was a different fucking type of person. I'd be sitting in the car going, when is this car gonna fucking crash? So we get back to our house. I'm doing a couple of lines and she's, she says, what am I gonna do with my life

when I get thrown out of comedy clubs? And I'm fucking pushing her now. Now I'm starting to have a good time. And I say to her, she goes, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna write a letter to the president. I go, wing him, write a letter to the president for him. Call him up.

At least I had this bitch gets up at two in the morning and calls the White House. Right in front of me. I'm fucking howling. And they hang up on her and she calls back and then they fucking call her back and fuck you. Fuck you. I'm gonna say, I'm gonna talk to the fucking president.

I'm a standup comedian. They would not give me my rights tonight. The club is located. It was hilarious. I'm there feeding the fucking, you know, call back. Call the governor. I don't get what time is poor Rita O. So she used to dance at a gay bar.

They used to hire her like on Tuesday nights and she'd get on the podium and dance, but she kept falling because she'd lose her balance between the alcohol and the equilibrium from a big head. This is what people don't think. People think this is a joke. When I say it on stage, they ain't no fucking joke. Her head was so big that when she drank the equilibrium

because Carol kept in touch with her over those years. So one day Carol called me and she goes, hey, you know that Rita O is dead. I go, what happened? She goes, she lost her balance at one of those clubs, landed on the head, got into a coma and that's how she died. Oh, RIP Rita O. I just want to tell you motherfucking the story,

the legend of the Seattle transgender that we both got. Her and Tana used to go at it. They would argue? Yeah, Tana would fuck with her. Fuck you Rita. Let me pull the wig because everybody knew she had a wig. It was the ugliest fucking thing in the world.

Oh, I thought it was real. Guys, that's the comedy scene at that stage. Rudy Sarsow came on here one day and he goes, you know, it's amazing how music is on the borderline of mental health. And I'm like, what do you think stand-up comedy is? You know, 10 years ago, the open mic at the comedy store, half of those people, boom chakalaka, you know?

Yeah. Boom chakalaka has friends, you know? He just ain't allowed to bring them no more. They'd show up down there in tuxedos and shit, homeless people and stink up the place and do comedy and not drink. You think I'm kidding you. You know, you don't remember those open mics in Seattle.

Like kid that used to go up there and say, this is my impersonation of a cow. This is my impersonation of a fly. This is my impersonation of a fucking soldier. That's what he would do for five minutes. Wouldn't get a laugh. Walk off stage, pay his tab and leave. That was his therapy.

Half that shit is meant, when you get on the lower level of stand-up comedy and you go to an open mic, half of that room could snap like a fucking ISIS soldier at any minute. You just don't know that. And they disappear amongst time. They don't grow because people know

that they're fucking crazy when they do something crazy. At their first hosting gig, at their first hosting gig, they snap. They disappear after their first hosting gig. Those crazy motherfuckers. Yeah, there's a bun. It does attract that kind of mind. We knew the one kid, Jeff Masterson.

If you didn't think Jeff Masterson was gonna fucking do something crazy, listen, I'm no psychiatrist. And I'm not a fucking no champion person. But even I knew Jeff Masterson. Jeff Masterson said something creepy to me. They were in a contest or something. Then I had to look at him and go,

this guy is fucking out of his bird. Right. You know. He tried to push buttons sometimes too. Yeah, he was very small. One of those guys that's small and tiny. Oh yeah, yeah. But he had a, yeah, he had a weird sense of humor back there.

He had that smile on. And he would say things to antagonize you, but you couldn't punch him in the head because what were you gonna get with it? But I also knew that if I punched him in the head, he was gonna hit me with a chair eventually one day. You know what I'm saying? Like that's right there.

When I know that, I just leave those guys alone. Cause we'll be hitting each other with chairs for the next 200 fucking years. He goes to the hospital. I go to the hospital. He goes to the hospital that I could tell. He was tiny and I could tell if he bit into you. And he did fight somebody one night.

I got attacked by Al Fox. I was there. I had that on video somewhere. No, you don't. I do. What was Al Fox? Tell me. It was in the back.

It was Al Fox's had a motorcycle accident. What was he at this point? Parapolegic, partially. He walked. He had a limp. He had a limp and a. Talk weird. Yeah.

Joey. Fuck you. Joey. Joey Dias. You didn't do it to me, you and Joey. It's on. I have it somewhere. And you're like pushing his buttons.

He's floating. He's like snarling at you. It's in the back. He was falling from the, yeah. It was in the back. Yeah. Yeah. I have it on video somewhere.

How did you get him so wild? I don't know what happened. He came back and I took his chair. It wasn't that funny, Brody. And he took his fucking shirt off and he wanted to fight me. He was shaking. I'll kick your fucking ass.

He was falling from the mouth. And I got up and I'm like, fuck you, cock sucker. Why are you insulting me? I didn't know it was your chair. Yeah. He came back. It was over a chair.

It was like something stupid. Like a fucking chair. You know, open mic Mondays. Where do you sit? The fucking back. Anyway, just to tell you some Seattle stories, you motherfuckers. Brody Stevens, you look great.

Thanks, Joey. Thank you for coming on the show. Are you any upcoming shows coming? Well, I'm in town here. I'm at the comedy store in LA. I'm at the improv here in LA. I'll be in, gonna be out in DC and Arizona, but that's until October.

But I'm usually here in Los Angeles at Periscope, Prince of Periscope, Brody is my friend. Shows are always popping up. Southern California, I did Irvine. I still do audience warm up here and there. I'm having fun. Just gotta stay healthy. Find out the next gig.

Keep podcasting. This is all part of it. You're beautiful, baby. You're gonna give me those leaves, gonna stare at them. How was the podcast? I thought it was pretty good. No, it's a good cast. No, no, you're a bad motherfucker.

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