Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #389 - Darren Carter

Episode Date: June 16, 2016

Darren Carter, Comedian whose new album "The Party Continues" is available for pre-order now, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Headspace: Go to headspace.com/joey and download the Free Headspace App and start your Take10 10 day free trial.   Datsusara: Go to DSgear.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles. Use code Joey to get 5% off of your order. Recorded live on 06/15/16

This show is brought to you by Headspace. Download the free Headspace app now and begin their Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at headspace.com slash joey. That's right. Download the free Headspace app right now and begin their Take 10 program at headspace.com slash joey. This show is also brought to you by Datsuzara. Go to dsgear.com and check out their extremely high quality functional gear made with hemp

textiles. They have bags, geese, rash guards and more. When you go to dsgear.com you're going to use code word joey to get 5% off of your order and go to onit.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like Alphabrain, new mood, shroom tech immune and shroom tech sport. Why not? Why the fuck not? And Lee got the old fucking version off his triangle hole, the studio aisle, which is

still badass. Listen to this fucking thing. Are you fucking kidding me? Back in the day before he lost his mind, you better show up early in the morning at the Ted's house, cock suckers. Damn this is good. Is this even Ted Nugent? It says it is.

Does it don't even sound like you got Derek St. John? But who gives a fuck, bitches? It's Wednesday, June 15th, the church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. That's all that matters. Drop a fucking pair on because we're going deep, bitches. Darren Carter's here, Lee Syat's here, my favorite fucking Jewish person in the goddamn world. That's a big honor.

And that's a fucking tremendous honor. You understand, there's a lot of good Jews. Yeah, there's a lot of great Jews. Great fucking Jews out there, Vettelite bobs and shit, representing fucking criminals. Good fucking Jews. I love them. What's up, DC? What's up, man?

I just had this visual. What if he, because you know, he's a lot younger than we are, like, you're like, he just pulls up anything. Like the kids bought version of something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're like, what is this? That's not ACDC. It's like, that's children.

It's funny. You were talking about something real interesting. Listen, there's two lives you can have as a comic. There's the Darren Carter, Joe Rogan life, or there's the Bobby Mendes life. Bobby Mendes was the character I played unmarried. Bobby Mendes is the typical comic that comes out here, gets a deal. He drinks, he smokes, he snorts coke, he blows off gigs. That's who I was becoming.

You get a chance here, you blow it, and then you just live on the road and you're divorced. You have nothing at home and you basically go from town to town, you know, doing drugs and getting chlamydia and just getting sick, getting fatter. Is it fun at all? I can't see it being fun if you go down that street. There's a lot of comics that have come out here, gave it their Oklahoma best. You know, it didn't work out for them for something. They go back and they say, then they start the family and they do all that stuff.

A lot of guys come here and they get jilted and that leads to, you know, alcohol or whatever the fuck it is, their relationships blow because they're not making the money. They say you're angry and then you go on the road and you just live on the fucking road and you have a car and you put oil in it and you disappear. You have bad credit and you die on the fucking road and these jerks off say you're a great comic, what a bullshit they say. That's not the route I wanted to go. It's really hard that you learn as a man how high you have to put into a family.

Like, when I was first married, my effort into my family was 50%, it was minimal. Now I blow shit off to be with them. I look at my schedule and I go, you know what, that's not necessary, that's not necessary, that's not necessary, that's not necessary. That's necessary, that's writing, I'm meeting that guy to make money. This is the things and that's what happens when you have children, you know, that DVR box you have and you tape all those movies, you get home that night, you don't do that no more because that becomes a minute part of your life, you know, when you're focused

on life, everything else, it's very hard in today's society to have focus. Because you have the computer, you have Facebook, you have Twitter, you have your phone right fucking there, you have the TV, you have, you know, so no more magazines, everything is in your fucking phone. Not even in the car anymore and I love, trust me, I listen to podcasts, I don't, if I'm in the car, I'm listening to a podcast. But to be honest, there's all these cars have Wi-Fi now, cars have all these apps. When I was like, I remember being a kid in the car and...

You were bored to death, you hoped they crashed a fucking car. At most, I was playing Game Boy. My favorite, my mom had a station wagon, I had that back seat, we've talked about it before, that was better than a movie for kids. I used to be so jealous when I was a teenager, because when I was a teenager, those screens in the back seats started coming out and I was like, mother, that would have been great as a kid. I remember being in the back seat, you're like, you try to get the truckers to honk their

horn or me and my friends would be back there pretending that we're smoking cigarettes. And then the other drivers would be like, those kids are putting something in there. It's just like paper and, I can't remember the last time I was bored. Because as an adult, there's so much to do. And then with all the technology and stuff, there's no downtime of when you're a kid, you literally would see how far you could kick a can on the way home from school or something. And I mean, kind of going back, obviously not the Bobby Mendes type, but you would spend

a lot of time, but you both would spend a lot of time on the road road. Then you had to drive from gig to gig and you'd be talking with people now, you're flying, you're getting picked up and you go to the hotel. It must be a very different experience and must affect the way you do comedy. It definitely does. It was in 1999. I thought I was going to be Bobby Mendes. Were you?

Like it like at a certain point. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I should have been headlining, but I was still featuring. Headliners were telling me to knock it off. You got to slow down. You can't talk to the audience.

I mean, it was just ridiculous. And I got off the road and miraculously I met my wife and the odds changed. I had to pay rent. I had to do all this shit now and I had to pay. You know what I'm saying? These are things you got to do. You know, and now I went out and I had to come home with an amount. You follow me?

Yeah. You go out, you got to come home with an amount. It's not like in the old days, Lee, I mean, I'm not kidding. I would, I would get 700 for nine shows at the improv Tuesday through Sunday. I would take a hundred dollar draw every fucking night, a grandma blow a bag of weed. So there's no money left. There's no money left. I was basically doing a gig for 200 bucks and I would cut corners at every level.

I would eat at the club. I'd take food home at night from the club. I'd steal beers from the club. Everything I did was around the fucking club in those days and they didn't give a fuck. I can't imagine making 700 a week and spending five of it on coke. Five of it on going out and you're in a city. Anything. I can't. You land in a fucking city.

You land in Milwaukee for the first time. Right. To some people, Milwaukee doesn't seem like a big thing to me at that time. Yeah, I thought I was in fucking Hollywood. OK, it's true. I don't care what state I was in. I was in fucking Hollywood. It's right on the road. Yeah, very hard to describe.

Yeah, you're like, I'm being paid to be a comic. I'm on tour. You know, a little delusional. You know, if you're on the road, you know, David and I don't do it. It's not our lifestyle. But Burt Kreischer, for example, Burt Kreischer should be going into every city and sell not from Wednesday to Sunday,

because if I had that type of alcohol stamina, I could go out six nights a week straight and drink with people. After the first thing I do is land in towns, go get a fucking $50 stake. That's where the word spreads. That's the gossip column. OK, that's the gossip column. Do you like cause a scene at the restaurant? No, you act like a gentleman.

You know, it's fucking cause a scene. But no, assholes cause a scene. What's that, Milwaukee? Yeah, you know, some guy comes in and he has a fur. No, no, no, no, he's going to back sit if the tip is 20, give him 40 because that 40 is your fucking. Listen, you give him 40 or you give a fucking a P.R. director, three thousand dollars a month.

And guess whose words going to spread quicker when you give a waiter a 40? The waiters. Yeah. He's going to tell everybody in that bar that at least I came in for dinner. This guy's a comedian. Check him out. The guy from the longest yard, the guy from fucking the church. What's happening now? You gave him 40 fucking bucks. That 40 bucks is fucking gold because he's telling everybody you came in tonight. You were a funny guy.

But now people are going to go, he took care of my friend. I'm going to go down and pay the 20 and watch him. You're going to get eight or nine tickets sold just by fucking him. You're going in and dropping the 40 going up to the bar, having a beer, dropping another 10 at the fucking bar. That's that's public relations. And that's what we I can't do that no more. Right. I can't sit at a bar. I don't drink.

I feel like a fucking asshole drinking a soda with a fucking lemon. And I can't even do that. Tastes like Dick to me, a soda. You know what I'm saying? Like every once when I got a sudden urge for a coke, but beside that, if I don't want a coke, I drink water. No, I don't know why. I just the people telling me how bad diet soda was. So I just stayed away from it. Right. But it's very hard. 20 years ago. Oh, yeah.

If I was doing the podcast 20 years ago, this would be huge because I'd just be drinking on here every fucking day and snorting coke on camera and fucking getting out of here, paranoid, turning off the camera because the cops were watching me. And how many fucking people would watch that today? Yeah, I have any fucking idea. Some guy, some fat guy sweating, doing blow pale to shirt off. I take my shirt off.

It's out. I think you would do coke on the podcast. 15 years ago. Fuck yeah. 10 years ago, I do doing bumps in the podcast. There'd be like two shows, the podcast show and the coke show. Why not at this point? Guys, I'm scared to turn the mic off. Yeah, it's two thousand seven fucking day. Any day now, some guys are going to Periscope

and start doing fucking blow and go with the cops and turn it off. Yeah. That guy's going to get a million fucking views a week. Until it goes to jail. No, he's not going to go to jail because they do the last line on camera. Even if the cops kick the door down, he ain't got no coke. Charge him with the video evidence. Who gives a fuck? It's in his body. What are you going to charge him with? Yeah.

Don't find a way to fucking charge him. But still, just do a line of coke at the end of that. After you're all coked up, the chicks there, she sucked your dick three fucking times on camera. No, you're a Christian. Oh, OK. You know what I'm saying? You're off and suck your dick on camera, but they turn on the Periscope and she's there foaming from the mouth. You're there with a robe on the creepy and shit.

You know, you're like America. Good night, Joey, here. And you do that last gagger and shut it off. Come see me in Milwaukee. Come see me in Milwaukee. And you shut that fucking Periscope off. You know, many people are going to come to your show and bring a coke. Rock, shoot a fucking hero.

It's a different thing. You know, it's a it's a different way of of life. So we were getting back to the the difference between being on the road then and now, like between flying and all that. Well, that's the thing. Yeah, that, you know, you've had I remember having that moment, like I did this college tour, there was three of us in a van and we would just for three months, we'd be gone.

We'd do a whole semester and you would drive all over the country. And I went to, you know, I grew up in California. So I was like, like you said, you're like, I've never been to like Pennsylvania. My God, Pittsburgh, you know, like Philadelphia, this is crazy. New York City, like, you know, just places I'd never been to before. And then I got to the point where I'm like, how am I ever going to have any kind of relationship? And like, and, you know, I only did that for three months at a time.

I did it for a year and a half, you know, we take the summer off and stuff. But you just and then you picture yourself like getting older and like, thank God, I'm not, you know, I broke away from that, came to LA. And, you know, I'm lucky that I have a family. You know, it's like some guys never get out of that, you know, and so it could be so. I went to a club. I used to work at the Boulder Broker as an opener when I went through my divorce and stuff, what saved me and how I got my comedy chops.

The beginning of my comedy chops was at the Boulder Broker. It was a restaurant on Tuesday nights for 15 bucks. You got a steak, a baked potato, and you got to see three comedians. And a guy named David Tribble booked them. Yeah, the Tribble runs in those days. Let me tell you something. Felicia came through there, Doug Stanhope came through there. That'd be the phone guy, Obelum came through there.

That'd be maybe seven comics that I still see around. But I met in that Tribble run and I would look at them every night and all of them killed, you know, all the headline is fucking destroyed the room. But I would look at them go home and write why I wanted to be like them or why I didn't want to be like them. You know, while you're there waiting to go up, you talk to the comedian, you know, you married in LA, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I would take like a survey in my head.

And when I became a comic at first, what drew me to it was the non responsible lifestyle. You get a P.O. box, Lee. You got a room at a fucking hotel for $62 a week. You buy blow, you drink beer, you write jokes, you go out, you come home at four, you have sex. That was a fantasy for me at that time. And I lived it till like those Miami weeks used to kill me. Those Houston Texas weeks used to kill me.

In what way? Because you liked them from what I know, from what I heard. I liked them, but I liked them more because of the drugs. Part of my touring in those days was for drugs. I would do half the year with Rogan and I'd be spotless, clean. Not really. After the shows, I go back to my hotel and disappear in those days. And he wouldn't even bother me because he that's why I love him.

He knew what I was doing and he didn't want to know. And then I would go out by myself or if I was out for five nights, I would get high four of those nights. Until what time in the morning? Five, six, seven. By the time you wake up, it's five. You take a shower, you eat something, you still hear the electricity in your head. Your sets of fucking garbage.

Your sets of garbage. But because you're in the position that you're in in your life, by the time the second show starts, you got to get a beer in you. The coke would be in my pocket. You know, I was going through the thing with the wife and being broken. And, you know, and this was my out. This was my out, brother. But then I went to El Paso for New Year's 2000 and something happened.

One of those headliners I met and a triple that everybody said, in fact, he hired me. I opened for him on a Tuesday and then he took me to Fort Collins on Wednesday, paid me like 75 bucks. But right in front of me, this guy was getting coke and I was getting coke. And by that time I had learned in a way not to do coke with the headliners. At first I would say I could get a fee and after that I even stopped. Bad reputation. Just because, you know, it takes your friendship down in the wrong direction.

You want the comic to respect you and you want to respect the comic. I didn't know that. I learned early on that people, if you sell coke and they look at you like that way, it's like that scene with Lowe in the breakfast, not the breakfast club. What was the other one? St. Elmo's fire. When he goes back to the campus and the kid says to the dog, it's great to have you around.

We always get good drugs when you're around. You don't want to be that guy. And I learned my lesson in Denver. I got a few calls sometimes I tried to be cute. I'd show up with a half ounce. And then at the end of the night, they go, oh, you're a comic. What? Oh, my comic.

You're following me. So it just didn't fucking work out. And then I came here and made one mistake and never did it again. And you're learning your lesson. But back to your original question, I would go to Houston and start getting high on. If my week started on Wednesday, then those weeks started on Wednesday. Okay. I'd be in Houston on Monday night for the Monday night fucking open my party.

That went till four or five in the morning. And then Tuesday, there was no show and you got sleep and you ate a good dinner and you rested. And then Wednesday, brother, that party in Houston started all over again. The same in Miami. The same when I go to El Paso. El Paso for me was a fucking, you know, but I went to El Paso for New Year's. And when I was in El Paso, that comic I told you, no, this comic, I forget what his name is.

He was very good comic. He did the Tonight Show two or three times. He was doing well out here. Something happened. He lost his wife, you know, the kid and he just went on the road and they were still giving him two, three grand and he would go out every night on the road where he hung himself. And I don't know where. Oh, I think I knew what it is.

Yes. He hung himself somewhere. Drake. Like no, no, no, no, no, no. This guy was like Brian or Richard or he was an Irish guy. Oh. And it really dawned on me because at the time, both of you, I can tell you to your face and listen to this.

I was going in that direction. Wow. I was going to be that funny guy that never made it to LA and died on the road, snow and coke. And at that point in my life, Lee, I can't tell you, I was okay with it. I was okay with it. Even after I had gone to LA and I had done some, I had done one commercial and one movie, 99, the beginning of 2000, I was just out on the road.

And there was a point that I was saying, why go back to LA? To do what? $15 spots at the company. At least I could stay out here. Co-head lamb, you know, get, pick up momentum and then go back in 10 years. People never come back, huh? I mean, it seems like. Well, listen, sometimes the strategic move is for you to leave because that's when people

think about you and bring you back. Hey, hey, uh, I, Bernie Mac, not Bernie Mac. Who, who died? Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac moved to Chicago and everything changed. You know, there's some, the chick from the fucking commercials. What's the guy called?

The all state. All state. The girl, the girl that's been doing commercials on for two years. Ro, Ro, that girl was packed up and ready to leave LA. And she got that fucking commercial. That's a $5 million and two year deal. She shoots a commercial two times, three times a fucking month. Oh yeah.

It's just a flat deal. By now it's just a flat deal. Oh, okay. So you, there's two lifestyles you take now for me, the lifestyle that works for what I saw early that I never thought I would achieve was what you're doing and what I'm doing now. But that has to be a balance because what happens is if I took all the work in the world right now, which I can't handle. I'm too old and we have too much going on here.

She would leave me within a year. We'd be financially set. But you need that connection. At that same time, Sunday through Wednesday, you can't build a family. I don't know who said it, but I've heard it a lot that at the certain point, it's like $70,000 after that money doesn't really matter. Do you, I mean, I don't know if it's 70,000 for you, but at a certain point, is there just enough money now?

20 years ago, there's never enough money. Now my family is so important that I'm going to live on a fucking budget. And be around her, be able to walk to the school three days a week, be able to take my wife out to call for any afternoon. Just a fucking gift that I have to my wife not being able to work, except doing our paperwork for the podcast and our paperwork for the child, building people just there alone. That's the best.

My wife's like, listen, if you have a child right now and both of you work, later on, there's going to, something's going to happen. That's because you weren't at the house at three o'clock. And we've had this discussion on the podcast before. Listen, I was raised by a good parent, but there was a little bit too much freedom there. So because of that, I have to be a little tougher. Now you know the type of parent you want to be in the type of family you want to be involved in.

If my wife kept that job downtown, we'd be making real fucking money. But, you know, three days a week, she gets stuck in traffic. She'd be half dead by the time she's 48. So you have to look at that. If you have the opportunity, you always have to look at that in life. Because I saw people die. My mom died from the stress from the bills. I got to do this.

I got to do that. I got to do that. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. Yeah, it's good because I get stressed out a lot. I get stressed out a lot. So I try to. You know what?

I'll live a certain way. You know, before I was walking here tonight, I saw some douchebag with a convertible BMW playing some fucking, you know, whatever music. And a white dude, you know, only a white dude, but like a jerk off like that. And I said to myself, I wonder how much it cost to impress people. What is it cost? I don't think it's ever over because there's always something. I have a black Subaru.

I don't want nobody to see me. I'm like the green on it. You know, I'm like the green on it. Yeah. I've never been impressed with that shit. I know. I've never been impressed with walking into a place with gold chains on. I think that the empty barrels make the most noise.

That's just the Anna Banana fourth grade. That's what she used to say all the time. I go all the way back to fucking 73 with that one. 71 empty barrels make the most noise. Yeah. I never, I only drive with the music loud when we're on the 134 or the 405 doing 100 lead. My line here, we never drive with loud music, just driving down the fucking street. The windows down.

Not the street. Laurel Canyon meetings. Yeah. Yeah. But we're doing 90. As I said, we're cutting off people. I cut some lady off in Burbank today. You know, even when she was mad and she was trying to chase me,

she was still 40 yards away from me. Like she was just the slowest fucking driver in the world. I'm doing 32. I forget if it was a tweet or an email, but I'll never forget this. He, whatever he did, contact me and said, I just got, just got caught off by Joey Diaz on the one on one, but I don't even care. He beeped at me and he cut me off. And people.

Hey, if you're going to fucking hesitate, I jump right in because I'm one of those guys. When you're driving, you got to jump. And now in 1998, I met you right there and you were here. Okay. Yeah. My wife and I, you were. And you were all, you introduced me to your wife and I was really impressed with you because of your wife.

I thought you were a half a fucking mook. He's got to be swinging something if you pull this broad and she's beautiful. She's smart. Yeah. Well, she was very cool. We talked about Howard Stern, which made me standoffish. You know what I'm saying? At that time, I'm like a woman.

I didn't know demographics of anything. Yeah. This is how long I know you DC. So 18 years, her and I and you had a conversation. Did she smoke cigarettes at the time? No, we were doing something because I wouldn't be outside if I wasn't doing something with League coffee. You might have.

No, no, no, no. We were at the improv. We were at the old improv on a Sunday night. I actually met her there on Sunday night. Yeah. You guys were happy. I saw you walking down the street and you know, I had just gotten here. So you want to be the nice guy and you know, I joined as my girlfriend or wife and yeah,

we're talking about Howard Stern and don't worry about the language. And I'm like, wow, Darren did okay. You know, I have a Christian and look at that. I know it's so funny because it's fucking hysterical. Back to, I didn't know the style. Joey didn't used to tie his shoes. And I'm like, Joey, your shoes untied and you're like, oh, I got it. You know, and you just, you didn't care.

I was 400 pounds. I was like, oh, I could just leave them untied and slip them on. I was on the move. Those things felt like a goat. You know, it's, it's funny. Another guy, another guy that sits in the chair and I dropped double digits on you and you look at me like, Jesus Christ, we've been here a long time. This is so people at home understand the struggle.

You know, last night a waitress hugged me with the glasses at the comedy store, the vegan. I love it with all my heart, Jen. And she was, how's it going? I go on the struggle and she looked at me like, you know, she's 26. She goes, does it ever end? I don't know. You're always fucking pushing ahead every day you're moving,

every day you wake up with a fucking short laundry list. Every day you wake up with a short laundry list. Yeah. And it's for me, it's not, it's not to like impress people or like, to end this, when I think of ending the struggle, I think of being rich. It's not, it's not like I'm trying to impress. For me, I get envious sometimes and that's something that like when I see people with those, like that's what I want.

Like it's not, it's not that I'm, maybe it is partly impression. There's nothing wrong with wantingly. Listen, when I was in a fucking thing, a prison, eating Cheetos at 11 30 at night, I wanted a Cuban sandwich, I thought about it inside. But there's nothing wrong with wanting bro. Yeah. The plan is how you're going to get it. That's the plan we never analyzed that we never really look at.

I didn't know. You just get to write to where you already have it. Yeah. You know, and then you put yourself in a bad position. You know, there's one car I like. Anything that the doors open up upward. That's cooler than shit. Like that?

Oh my goodness. I'm a fat fuck, but then I got a fat fuck. I'm going to need a ladder and somebody to help me to get out of the car. Those cars are low. You know, so you pull up, it takes you 18 minutes to get out of the top wheels. Remember when we were kids, there's Lamborghini. You can just add them to any car or add them to the Subaru. I really don't like them.

I'm just saying if I had, if somebody gave me a million dollars and they go, you got to buy a car, I'd buy a Lamborghini. But again, I'd have no home because I want to do 190 in the fucking car. I don't want to do 65 in the one-on-ones. It's right. You know, on Sundays, I'm coming back from the airport and I see these dudes take out their 1952 Chevy's and they're like, things got that part in 405 North where it's like 22 miles of this like this.

It's on a grade. That'll fuck you up, dog. That'll fuck you up. That's two days of walking right there. A little fucking grade. You better pitch a tent, bitch. I don't, I don't picture you parking your Lamborghini in front of a, you know, like a comedy club and like gunning it and look at me.

Look at, I don't, that's not you. I don't, you know, I've never, ever, ever appreciated that type of behavior. Never do I want to see myself in the front of a restaurant with an umbrella. I'm always in the back, you know, fuck it. You know, I never saw myself. I remember the first time I got invited to a premiere. Okay, guys, I got invited to a premiere and I didn't show up. Okay.

Now I went to the casting crew. That meant more to me. I saw the guys that held the cameras and they were like, dog. We saw the first cut. You were solid. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. First time with Spider-Man too.

Nice. Didn't go to the premiere. Couldn't even dream about it. Just thinking about it gave me fucking anxiety. I could feel my skin moving. The getting dressed up, the cameras, what part? Walking in there. Just walking in there because I know deep down inside, I don't belong in there.

Who the fuck am I? Why are you in the movie? Who gives a fuck? I told Spider-Man, whatever, Captain Hawk. But 10 years ago, I would have pulled out a gun and shot Captain Hawk. You know what I'm saying? You think I would have stood there and said whatever the fuck I said. You got to go through me?

Yeah, you got to go through him. You got to go through me. I would have never fucking said that. I would have said, take your guns out. This is New York City. Shoot this fucking metal head. How cool is that going to be when your daughter is old enough to watch Spider-Man and really comprehend like, that's my dad.

That's awesome. I'm on the fence though. I'm on the fence about showing her. Well, it's not going to be a choice after like the age of like eight. Well, I don't think those kids are going to be looking at Spider-Man 2 from 19 fucking. That's the first thing she's going to Google. No, I don't think so. I hope not.

I had a plan right now where I don't want to know much until, you know, it's like two weeks ago, Johnny Depp was accused of hitting that woman. I don't know what her name is. I'm not making accusations. I'm like, you know, but a day later, the daughter stuck up for him because I can't imagine when my daughter's 10 after I do all this stuff with her. And she turns on YouTube and hears me telling the story about mugging a hooker. She's going to look at that computer speaker and go, that's not my dad.

That can't be my dad. My dad never mugged a hooker on a little wig on fire. And then she's going to go to the fucking church or what's happening now. Episode one, the invention of the flying Jew. And that's my uncle Lee. In her mind, she's like, nah, but then she'll put the church on. And then she'll hear Lee and I'm going on the flying Jew. And we're talking about eating his neighbor's asshole and all this shit.

And she's like, that's my uncle Lee. Now I'm really fucking heartbroken. They're two savages. I lived in two savages all my life. That's the, you know, that's it. That's what, but. On any of those kind of jokes with Maya, because I'm not, I don't really go there, but a little bit I do.

And sometimes my kid will be like, I don't even know what that means, dad. What does that even mean? The other day he goes, because I do those, I like my women jokes. You know, the one that he heard, he heard, he goes, what does that mean? Because he goes, I like my women like I like my Luke Skywalker gripping my lightsaber with daddy issues. He goes, what does that mean? Why is that funny? I don't know what that means.

Hey, I'm like him. I don't know what that means. Oh my God. Lee, how are you doing over there? I'm good. You want to take another one? You want to take a red one? No, right now it's good.

We got a mushroom stem coming pretty soon. Okay. But I think she'll like it. I think of it. I get, I don't think maybe not able. I think this is not the reason, guys. That's not the reason. What's not the reason?

Well, let's pretend something miraculous happens and I buy a house somewhere around here. Okay. Okay. The closer you get to here, all these kids, the kids whose parents do something in the business and they are all these kids are rotten waiting to high school in Malibu. Kids are dropping over there from pill use and shit. All those high schools where these fucking rich kids go to these movie star kids. It's not good, Lee.

I don't want my child to have to go somewhere where, again, somebody's driving a BMW convertible, 16 in high school. And now you got to go home going, what the fuck is going on here with these people? Poor? Yeah. I mean, that's kind of not like movie stars, but that's a high school I grew up in. Kids are driving in escalades and it's weird. But it was like, couldn't you go somewhere in North Hollywood?

Because you're not going to send her to private school, are you? Or I guess maybe you have to in LA. No. There's a lot of schools that are highly rated in this area. Really, like North Hollywood, whatever this is called, North Hollywood, where I know the crisis. Crisis taken around the private school to put her in that high school. Oh, wow.

Because that North Hollywood high is ranked really fucking high across the country. Okay. So there's schools around here that I don't want them in a charter school. No. I don't want no artistic shit. You know, I don't want no fucking pictures when they're 15. I need, you know, no algebra. You need to understand logistics.

That's what, you know, when you, the other night we were making jokes that you don't need the fucking the thing, you know, the protractor and the compass. You never use it again. It was the last time you did a comedy gig and broke out your protractor. But you know what? It made you think logically at that age. You know, it's like smoking pot without smoking pot. Well, that's actually a new thing that you're going to have to deal with Joey.

Like how frustrating is it now? Oh, that's all I hear about from parents now is how frustrating it is to have kids in school. Oh, common core math. Things like that. How the math is totally different than what we grew up on. Yeah. Yeah. And like, that's, do you ever, like, that's something you're going to start doing.

Listen, I don't even know fractions. I had a fraction joke two weeks ago and I'm like, Jesus Christ, fractions. Whatever happened to the fraction. I guess the fraction's still fucking around like cancer. I thought that the fraction de-separated. I didn't know that it's still lurking like fucking, you know, it's still lurking the fraction. Amen. The more higher fractions.

The thing, listen, the thing about fractions is, here's the thing, like you bang your head all your life to learn fractions. And then when you're 14, you start smoking pot. They come to you just like that because everything's a fucking fraction. An eight to quarter, three quarters an ounce. Follow me. I'm not trying to be cute here and tell you the truth. All through your life, you struggle with fractions.

But daddy, how do you convert both of them to, the both bottoms have to be equal and all that shit. Coming out of here. And one day when you're 14, you smoke a joint, you go to buy a bag, it all comes to you. And it comes to you quick. A gram or seven grams is a quarter. Whatever the fuck, three and a half is an eight. 14 grams is a half ounce. And everything is an eight, three quarters, a third.

You know, I'm pretty good at fractions. I have no idea with any of that stuff. I never understand it. I get whatever reason. But drug fractions? Yeah. The eighth quarter gram. That's too much.

That's good to know. Now, thank you. Now DC, when did you marry? Got married in 97. Okay. When did the baby come? The baby, we waited almost 10 years. Yeah.

We just, it was that, you know, it's a big decision. And, you know, you don't just... So for those first eight years, what was touring like? To a lot of colleges, you know, touring and talk. And to this day, I've spoken to her every day on the phone, like every day. And there's not a day that's gone by that I haven't talked to her. It's like...

When you were coming back from the road, when you take it for a date during the week, yeah, you come back and, you know, we used to play a lot of like tennis and just, you know, take long walks because you really have to have that, you know, in a relationship, you know, you have to... Otherwise, you find, you know, you can grow apart. Even if you're like gone, if you're in town and you're

constantly on your computer or in your phone and ignoring each other, then it's, you know, you got to have that connection. Like you were saying with your wife, it's like, you need to have that, where you guys go somewhere and you do something like today. We went, it was great, man. Like as a family, you know, to the arcade and we all...

My wife and I and the little eight-year-old boy, we went miniature golfing for the first time and it was, it was awesome. We played video games and, you know, just hanging out eating a little slice of pizza and spending four hours just having a ball, man. It's summertime. You got to do something a little different, you know.

Let me ask you something. All this shit that's going on that happened Saturday night in Orlando, God bless that. So what do you feel about your child, your wife? I mean, you're a little more cautious that you're looking around. Yeah, you know, you think about that. Because it's like what they said, soft target. It's like, you know, I'm always been, you know,

I carry this flashlight. Like I'm always like, where's the exits? What's going on? Like, where's my... Make sure your car isn't like too close to the car in front of you in case you got to make like an escape route or something, you know. Get anxiety just thinking about it.

Yeah, yeah, it's sad. You know, like you said, you know, you put yourself out in those popular movies, you know, like, where is this popular movie? I'm like, do we have to go, you know, let's pick a, you know, a theater that's not necessary. I mean, it's one of those things you think about, you know. You live in a society now, your child goes on vacation

and it gets gobbled by a fucking alligator at a place where whether there's signs, no signs. I mean, who sees signs when you're on fucking vacation? I know, you don't even think about that. You know, you're walking around a new fucking turf, you know. I know. So, I mean, it's so, yeah. It just, you know, it makes you think that, you know,

when I walk out of school, I pick her up, you know, it just makes you fucking think that we live in a society where every time you see somebody, you gotta hug them because you don't know if you're gonna fucking see that person again. But this is what it's really turned into. It used to be 10% that you giggle after you fuck with somebody. Hey, good to see you. You know, you have to attend drinks with somebody.

And also not three of us are getting to the con on the way home, you'd say to yourself, could that be the last time I see fucking the flying Jew? I did the dime bar a couple of weeks ago on Fairfax and across from Cantor's and they had the door open. Adam Hunter runs that room. And there's a, you know, the room was packed and the door's open. And across the street, they had a celebration.

And so they were lighting on firecrackers. But we didn't know that. And the comic on stage goes, it sounds like there's gunfire out. And but then it kept going pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And everybody got out of their seats and bottlenecked to look out the door to see what was happening. And then, oh, it's fireworks. You know, but there was that moment,

like when they were all running that way, I was like... There's what we've become. Yeah, you're like, yeah, you know. I would shit my pants, guys. I'd have a nervous fucking breakdown. I mean, you can't even imagine, like... 20 years ago, I could take the gunfire and crawl and play fucking Rambo and jump through a window.

I think now we just hyperventilate just the breathing, just to hearing the... I think PTSD would come back. I'd start fucking yelling, fucking Vietnamese fucking things. And especially with, like, they were just walking around making sure people were dead. That was very scary. The city was laughing as he was doing it and being all creepy.

And that was very scary a couple of weeks ago. And I came back from Omaha Sunday at 9.20 in the morning. My flight was supposed to land at 9.20. It landed at 9.18, but it's a short walk to luggage. And guess what? When I got to the luggage I was spitting out. I grabbed it, I walked 20 yards and there was a guy out there and he flashed at me and I got one.

And he goes, next cab. And that girl got in the cab before me. And as I got in the cab, and I always feel dumb when I tell these stories and I always feel like an asshole because I hate when somebody sneaks up on me. Yeah. I think that I'm always that sharp to hear two guys walking behind me.

Lisa, I am ready for this. I gave the fucking guy the luggage, shook his hand, went, he went to black. And I go, no, no, no. I got the door myself. And as I closed the door, I opened my window. And as I was putting the window down, two fucking cops were walking past me there.

And I'm not talking about two cops. I'm talking about fucking Nazis with fucking power. Wow. Fucking weapons. Wow. And I looked at him and I asked the cab driver, it was like that today. And he goes, traffic.

I mean, already at 9.18 on Sunday at 9.30. Let's pretend it was 9.35. Yeah. There was already heavy duty traffic. But when he pulled out, I looked at section four, which is American Airlines. Yeah. And in there was SWAT.

Wow. So that's a society we're living in. So when you're fucking getting into the airport now, your fucking neck hair stick up until you get to your gate and God knows what's going on on your fucking gate and God knows what's going on on your fucking flight. I mean, you got to look at it this way. It's like throwing spaghetti up at the wall.

The more things you go to, eventually you're going to get caught. But if you go to a lot of concerts, if you go to a lot of the UFC's, if you go to a lot of this or that, who knows? And it's not even what's going on. It's the people that we have here that just go off the radar. You know? The guy was, yeah.

It comes out that his wife, like they would drive and scope out this gay club together. And then she went with him to get the, you know, the holster. Oh, fuck knows. Yeah. It's fucked up because like even the night before in Florida, a white dude killed the guy. I know, at the merch table.

Right. So, and I have a fucked up history with this. We, you know, we all know I spent my time in Israel. And when I came back, you, it's weird how like the media and the people around you really influence how you feel. I was a little bit, a little bit more racist, I guess, towards Arabic people, like in my head. But I really feel like this, like when we look back,

it's going to be really bad. The shit we're doing to Muslim people. Like obviously ISIS is terrible, but the majority of them aren't. And I, but it's to a point now where it's always think about that if like you're on a flight and two Muslim looking guys can walk on, you're not going to not think about it. Like it's just, it's weird. That's another thing.

It's, you're right. The whole thing is because, and then some people wanted to complain, but then they were like, oh, I want to be like, you know, not PC. Like, I don't know. Yeah. And then that's what they're saying with the San Bernardino that people were saying that, but they didn't want to be not PC.

So it's like, what, what the fuck are we supposed to do? Yeah, I know. Cause if you don't want to, yeah, it's weird. Last night, there was a moment. Lee and I went to a place I had a spot at the store, which I did a slow death last night. It was tremendous. And I didn't feel bad.

No, you did. Oh, but you know, when I wasn't prepared, I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what temperature the room was. You know, two days ago, there was a national disaster. Oh yeah. You don't want to go up there. I've seen comics go up there and walk the room, half rooms.

It's not worth it. At this point in my life, I don't want no war with nobody. Let me go up there and keep it. And Rogan was sitting there. And I'm like, and the guy, Aaron Gifford, who was, who was killing last night was borderline gay jokes, positive way. And all of a sudden I go,

is it too quick to talk about gays? And Rogan's like, fuck, no, go up there. And I open up with a gay joke that dies. I go up and something else, that dies. Something else, that dies. I threw fucking eight fastballs, nothing. You know, and it's, it's, you come home and you giggle about it and you feel bad.

I woke up this morning. I'm talking to my agent. He says, listen, man, I was at the store last night. He goes, I just missed you. He goes, I was there last night. I was a dead fucking audience. He goes, even Jake Ocuson was like, what the fuck is up with them tonight?

So thank God that justified my love a little bit. Like I wasn't that bad of Jay and a bunch of other comics didn't do well. So, you know, it's funny. I saw you work last week. I think it was. And you know what? It's great to watch other comics that get it.

You know, like I was in, there's two rooms at that club and one room the guys probably haven't done the same stuff forever. Like by the book, you know, A through Z. And then I saw you and it was so good because it's like you're taking chances, risks. You're talking about things that, you know, look, you know what I mean?

It looks like, okay, here's my six things I want to talk about. Voting, I saw some guy wearing colored socks and you go off and all right, you know, what color sucks? What if you cut yourself and gets into your bloodstream? Come on, people, I got to explain everything. And it's like, it was so nice to see that. And then you're like, oh, let me hit this other thing about cooking or whatever the.

You know what I mean? It was nice. It wasn't just like, you know what I mean? Like that's, I love it when comedy is like that. Listen, Judy Carter's book, again, if you're thinking about getting to stand up comedy, Judy Carter's book is a must, the first one, because she has a list in there that says,

talk about, we'll fucking really aggravate you. Yeah. We'll really fucking aggravate you. The problem with people is we talk about what aggravates us minorly. We really don't want to get into the nuts and bolts because it gets a little tricky in there. But some people know how to pull it out

and walk on a thin line on it. That's me. I want to pull it out, let you know I got this problem. But let's walk on a thin line a little bit. Let's not go either way. I got to keep you in the thin line. Oh man. That's a weird way of thinking, at least I had,

because that's what the comedy really is. It's deep in that fucking hatred and that pain. Why do you hate that shit? That dude that you see in the fucking, you ever see like police movies? Yeah. And the guys in the chair and they're asking him questions. You killed him.

You killed him. And he sits quiet for like two seconds. Then he goes, I did it because I hated my father. He raped me and he sold me to a bunch of gypsies for $30. Right there, if that dude would have wrote that eight minutes into comedy. Yeah. He would have got an HBO spot.

But who knows, off the bat, that's the way you're hiding all those years. You think I would tell a fucking story about Mugger and Hooker and Lighthook were gone fire? That was so tucked away in my soul. You know, that thing with the fucking, all those stories, though, I tucked those things away 15 years ago.

I thought I'd never needed them again. Boy, do you need those things to define who the fuck you are. You really need those moments and go, wow, I learned that from that experience. Well, there was a negative, a positive experience. You got something out of that fucking experience. If my friend, my friend one night went to hit somebody, he took St. Lazarus Cain at my party.

And my mom was on vacation in Florida and I had a party and he took this. I still think about that every night. There was three or four dudes that would have killed this, not with guns, but hand-to-hand combat. They would have beat us up to death. This Chris Donovan kid took this thing and looked at him and said, she's not here,

but if you make one more move, I'll bust your fucking head with this thing. That kid was pissing his pants. But he picked that thing up and he took a chance. Wow. It was my mother's thing. My mother would have killed me, but you know what, from that day I learned something.

And I don't care what's in front of you, if you stick up for yourself. And you really believe it from your heart. That's why if you go up to entail a joke, even if it's all fucking color, if your conviction is real, oh my God, they think they're right. It's when you see somebody go up there and go on with a fake rant, at least I have seen it.

Yeah. I go, Lee, what do you think? Uh-uh, it looks a little rehearsed. Boom. If Lee picked that off, you know, you follow me. I see it all the time. I see when somebody already rehearsed that rant. It just came from that.

That was when I talked about Prince and the kale. Oh, I didn't hear that. That's what I ended with that night. Because I was up there and I said, did you see Prince? He died from those fucking felonels, fentanyls, whatever. And people were like, ooh.

And I go, wait, wait, what? Come on, guys. What do you think Prince was at home doing? Oh, that's right. Drinking kale shakes. And I just fucking, you know, it was from my soul. It's the truth. Are you fucking retarded?

What do you think he was doing at the Pink Gracie Hotel? Well, what are you, Paisley Park? What do you think he was doing there? Doing jumping jacks. And there's bodies under that fucking building. There's women who have orgasmed and that he put ticklers in their asshole and fucked them to death and play the guitar

and drowned them with his nutsuck. You know. Are you fucking kidding me? I love the part when you're saying to go, I don't, you ladies need to learn how to suck dick. Or you might, I got this ugly uncle or whatever. Am I causing it? Yeah.

Three dicks a week. I don't want to see an ugly guy suck dick. You ladies are home eating a bowl of ice cream, feeling sorry for yourself watching Netflix. It's nice to eat four stars. Ain't it, Lee? That cock sucked. Look at you.

It's great. I've been looking at Lee. And Lee's doing, let me tell you some guys, at home, if you listen to this, if you're a fan of Lee, I'll tell you what. He's at a point right now where it's all coming together. He sees the effort he's putting in, you know, what he's doing.

And now he's like, oh, you know what? I get it now. If I'm getting up three days a week to see this fucking lunatic Irish guy at five at nine o'clock, and I don't get out of that till 9.40. And here's the kicker, Joey, that we do all this shit and it's a great workout. Then at the end, he makes us do 200 swings in 10 minutes.

I know Lee. Guys, I saw Lee's face at the first two times at Kettlebell. I thought he was gonna die on me and trust me. I wasn't sitting next to him until I was gonna die. Lee's doing all this shit. So finally, one day, you go, you know what? You know what? At first, anybody who exercises and sticks to a plan

and really serious about it at some point goes, well, what an ice cream doing to me. And you look at the scale and you didn't gain any weight. And then you go, what an ice cream doing to me two nights a week? You don't understand. And then you go, oh, an ice cream for three nights. And the next thing you know, you look at the scale and your nine pounds heavier

and your input is still the same. Yeah. You're even doing 40 minutes a day on the fucking elliptical, but you're slipping at different places. And you go, that's it. I don't need this. And you start tightening up the two weeks you got on the scale. You lost the weight.

You gained plus four pounds. You go, that's it. That's the formula now. I'm going to do three Kettlebells a week. I'm going to do this. This is what I need to eat. I'm going to make grilled chicken and hummus and stink like a fucking, you know, like a messenger of debt.

And tell him every time I make hummus balls, just to piss him off. Oh, hang up. I hang up when I say a prayer for him. Every fucking time he tells me how much because again, I love hummus. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's fucked up. You hate it.

He hates it. Oh, yeah. He hates it. The first mistake. I love it with ranch dressing. Just kidding. The first mistake I made was getting off of my fitness pill. That's a mistake.

Do you play a song? They emailed me tonight before I came here. Tell me you logged on for the last 190 days. If you don't log on, you're going to fucking, and I went and logged on into my menu. I was very proud of that streak and I'm fucked up. So I need to get back on that. But yeah, that's exactly what you said happened.

I just, and I saw it happening because I've lost the weight like seven times. I should be skinny by now. So this is what happens, okay? Because I live it with you. Yeah. So in your mind, this is like, I used to treat cocaine. Okay, listen, I love cocaine.

I love cocaine. I love going out and getting evil and growing on the floor and eating some of these monkey. I love all this shit. This was my passion, right? I can't do it seven nights a week. But let's say I do it three. Nobody needs to know nothing.

Right? Now, obviously two nights a week, you and I get together and eat stars at dusk. Correct. And then there's one night you do them with Paula. On those nights, you get up in two and go to Yum Yum Donuts. And there's always a by the way there when you guys go out, you go somewhere goofy and eat one of those cookies

with ice cream in the middle, which tastes like ass. And anyway, you put it, you know, it's so funny how they re-sell a product that's been around since I was a kid. You know, when I was a kid, it was fucking an ice cream in two cookies. Yeah. Now they go, skadoodles.

And these suckers, I'm going over there, they got skadoodles. They've been around for 2000 fucking years. Skadoodles, how do you think I put on my first 10 pounds by eating fucking peanut butter? No, skadoodles. I just wouldn't get it. My problem was just because I'd be pretty good on the day.

So that's the thing, four nights. I know for a fact on that four and a half stars, I'm going to go home something going down. What goes down, I don't know. If there's apricot or peach, or there might be a couple of apples, they belong to the baby, but who the fuck knows? I could borrow one of them.

I'll drink water for a little while. There's mixed nuts. I'll take the almonds out. That's the high road. You're going the high road. That's great. That's bad. You do that?

That's not bad. After 1140, I started looking for the peanut butter. Yeah. And now it's just a real test because there's always two gallons in the fucking back up in cases of earthquake. I got peanut butter till next fucking Tuesday. I can't do that.

What? At any time I get peanut butter, I eat the whole thing within a week. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Listen, but I'd rather do that than eat a steak and fries at two in the morning with a milkshake. I think a steak and fries might be better. So you've got to cut a deal with yourself, dog.

So you eat the fucking two spoonfuls of fucking peanut butter, you watch an old episode, whatever episode the honeymooners came on one day when you go to sleep. I've actually eaten peanut butter and crackers and watched workout videos on YouTube because I'm like, I'm gonna do this tomorrow at the gym. When you're on the fucking road and you go back to a hotel, unless it's the four seasons, you know what you got?

You got a vending machine. I could read you the vending machine from fucking memory right now. Do you know your favorite letter number combinations? I do. It's the ranch dressing, nacho fucking corn nuts. You don't eat those? No, that's what I'm saying.

This is an imagination, Lee. I'm just saying that's what's in there. It's not the fucking ranch. It's the other ones. What's the nacho cheese chips? Oh, Doritos. Doritos, nacho cheese. Cool ranch.

Doritos, cool ranch. Wise potato chips, wise barbecue, fucking peanuts, mixed nuts, spring vegetable nuts, the four crackers with that fucking cancer cheese with the little spoon in the middle. How many people have gotten cancer from those fucking crackers? The four crackers are the thing.

And I'm gonna fuck. I'm going delicious. I used to love that. Oh, everybody's loved those things. That's how they first injected in you. Two of those fucking crackers. And they either grows or your immune system blows it up. Think of that cheese.

That's not fucking cheese. Remember when you just get it to eat the cheese and throw the crackers away? That's when you know you're a fucking fuck. Get a little red spoon. Yeah, with the little red spoon. And you save the red spoon for it. Like Sunday, I'm gonna do something with these spoons.

I don't know if they had them when we were... I don't know if they had them when you guys were kids, but Dunkaroos, they're like cookies, and they can dip them in icing. Oh, my gosh. It sounds good. It's like the same thing. It's like the crackers and the cheese, but...

Listen, I used to make cakes and not bake them. You understand me? I would just eat the fucking mix. Oh, the frosting and the mix? Everything. Everything. And I just... One time I threw the reefer mix in there,

ate it all the bowl. I slept for three and a half days. Oh, wow. I had a diabetic fit combination, fucking everything. He said, were there raw eggs in there? Oh, yeah. Who gives a fuck?

Rocky ate that too. Yeah, exactly. Who gives a fuck? Do you want to be... How do you think they ate eggs? You think they always call you eaters? They always fried those fucking things? People used to drink them.

Like, they'd just eat them like a clan. That's crazy. It would take like an hour, doesn't it? What? To bake a cake? It'd be way better. No, but you know what? You're hungry, though.

You don't have that hour. You're just like, it's right here, it's right now. That's why I like the peanut butter, you know? My life... Well, your shit's like... I could lie to everybody and tell you, I was a mess when I moved into my wife's house. And it took about four years for me to come out of this fog.

And one day I looked at her and I'm like, what am I doing? I'm giving all my effort to this, this, this, and this, and where am I going? I gotta be giving effort to my house. And something clicked into me. And then it just became tighter and tighter, and she became a piece of me, and she understood me, and I understood her.

And it really balanced out the comedy. It took a little focus off my comedy, but I kind of needed it at that time. Well, it would become insane. There's a point that you have to push yourself away from the business. I had already gotten a movie or two. I had already done comedy at the comedy store

for fucking six or seven years. You know, if something was gonna happen, it would have happened. What the fuck am I doing with my life? Let me go... This girl digs me. Let me put effort into this woman. And then we ended up getting married and whatever.

Now we have the child. Whatever. And now I found the balance. I never thought they could beat... When I listen, guys, I lied to a lot of fucking young kids. I lied to a lot of young kids 10 years ago, because I told them that you can't be a good comic if you're married with a child.

And boy, did I give bad advice to a lot of people, because I know the commitment level. It needs to become... To come out here and really push fucking through. It's tough enough that you started as an open micro in your town, and then you started, I'm saying, and then somebody liked you and took you on the road and you came back and featured for a year and a half.

Then Montreal told you to go fuck yourself. But this club in San Diego, the owner likes you and he thinks he wants to manage you. So you move out and now you're in the fucking game. Now you're in the game. That's six years you just did. That was basic training, bitch. This is where people crack.

Once they jump into the game, they look at this place and they know after a week if they're going to fail. I know a thousand stars that could have been stars and could have, you know, and we've had this conversation a thousand times, but it's so weird how you evolve once you have the family. Once you have somebody at home, like it really changed from me in 2005,

and it just got better and better and better because I found the balance. And like I always say, I know how it would have tasted to lose a family. I did that. So from that, I learned how to not lose a family and there's a different level of commitment. Even if you're just sitting there for a year,

you think you want me to lie to you people? For the first year that Mercy was born, I would sit there and my fucking skin would grow. Because in my heart, I could have been doing a thousand fucking things to help this house. But you know what? I learned that the best thing I could do to help this house

is to sit there with it. And watch Bubblegummies. And watch fucking all those other shows. And I respect this shit out of you. Guys like Josh Wolf. Guys like fucking Burt Kreischer. Guys like Tom Papa. These guys have fucking...

Gafferkins got four fucking kids. I know. And you gotta go out every night and bang it out with savages and write material. And fucking, you know, that's tough. Rogan, that's tough. I see Rogan's flight fucking schedule. If he's not doing gum, he's doing USC.

That's four or five fucking weekends a month. You know, talk that is on your family if you're not connected. Because I know dudes who come home on Monday morning, guess what they do for two days, they sleep. I don't want to be like that. That's not what I want to be at all. At all.

I can't have a fucking sleep. If you're leaving the next, you're like... Yeah, I'm fucking sleep. I don't have time to sleep. I need sunshine. It's hard. Like today I had four hours of sleep and I'm like, all right, let me just push through this

and do this. And it's... And I'm glad because that's what you want to do. You know, the family time, creating those memories and just enjoying each other's company. And it's like, you know... And I gotta say, not only do I know you and... I'm a listener of this podcast.

And it's funny for like the listeners. Like, you know, I also am a fan. Like, there's not that many podcasts I listen to. I mean, you know, but this is my main... One of my main podcasts. I love this podcast. And we had a family tragedy back in December. My mother-in-law passed away.

And, you know, I mean, that's a shocking thing. When something like that happens, it was out of left field and you don't want to believe it. And it's, you know... And then my wife had to take my son and go up north and take care of business and, you know, just try to make some sense out of it. And I had a couple hours by myself.

And it's like... And I was like, let me just go for a walk. I just gotta go for a walk and just kind of deal with like what just happened. And it's... And you just... For some reason, I brought my iPod and I... For comfort, I put on the church of what's happening now.

And man, it's not to be a psycho, but like I actually was like, you know, it was great to like just have that comforting talk. And I actually was, you know, I'm crying. I'm looking like a, you know, like listening to this podcast. And there was this one part where you said something like, every day I get out of bed and I'm, you know, I'm above ground.

I thank my lucky stars and I love my daughter. And it just... It wasn't just like meaningless words. Like it really meant something to me right there. And man, that was the best thing to hear. And to have that common, that bond that we, you know, we have as entertainers and as people. And I remember like sending you a message like right away.

And you got back to me like, you know, right away. And it was just, it felt so good just to have that man, you know. Because at that time, I didn't know if I could even talk to anybody or tell anybody what happened, you know. Like I was like, let me just have a couple hours, just, you know, by myself and get out there and walk. And when people talk to me about the podcast, for the last three years, it's very hard for me to digest

the things they say to me. I can imagine. Because this is just too fucking crazy. Mother fuckers talking shit. People say things to me and I get many anxiety attacks. I really do. And I'm like, look at this fucking moron. He listens to us and he's gotten something out of the show.

Would you learn? Would you want to roll a joint? You're fucking an idiot. And then I started thinking. I started thinking about being young and the things I'd depend on. And little by little, I started getting it. You know, in those days, I was fucked up.

Listen, happiness to me in those days was putting on a black sabre down. It's saddest that sound to listen to that fucking stuff that gives Lee anxiety. That's 16, you know, those words I found some warped in those fucking words. And, you know, so I understand that basically or the connection or maybe we take you somewhere

of the vulnerability that we show sometimes because that's it. You know, I wouldn't, I didn't want to do this to just be a fucking announcer. Yeah. I wanted to do this to have a voice every week, but also it's tough. People, when you're down, it's tough to look at people

and go, wow, you know, he did this or this or this or this. It's tough for a person to imagine that they could do that. And that's what I want people to know with this show. I always have different type of people on this show, but they all have the same thing. They stuck to something. Yeah. That's really nice to you and I have been talking

about freedom the last seven years. Freedom has been big because we came here when there was no freedom. What do I mean by no freedom to the people at home? No freedom was Darren Carter would come up to me and say, dog, you're an orphan. Yeah, listen, I want to write a pilot about an orphan. Okay.

And about two orphans and a fucking orphanage who run a gambling casino, whatever the fuck. Well, I'm just making an hypothesis. See what I'm just making. I don't even know if that's a word, right? Word hypothesis. Hypothetical, hypothetical. Yeah, but it sounded correct for the situation.

I'm sure, right? So, fractions. Okay. So now, fractions, the whole fucking deal. So now, next thing you know, we write this out. Yeah. We take it to your manager. I'm a bum.

I don't have a manager. You take it to your manager, manager loves it. He has a writer who contacts HBO and blah, blah, blah, blah. We take it everywhere. They love Darren. They love Joey. They love Lisa. But guess what?

Nobody wants to buy it. And it's done. Well, guess what? That's it. Darren goes home. He looks like a mook. He told his wife he was buying her a house in the top of the mountain when damn.

Now he's got to give her a guts. He's got to stay in that little shack and fucking Laguna Beach, share a car. And, you know, fine. Not anymore. Darren could get a different writer. We package it and take it to Netflix. And Netflix don't want to take it to who?

And who will want to take it to Fuse? And if Fuse don't want to, you can take it to Showtime. And if Showtime don't want to, and eventually, you have more avenues. And guess what? And if Darren really, really believes in it, he could do a kickstart over the fucking real CBS producer and try to sell it to CBS, which never happens, of course.

But you spend the fucking 80,000 and you shot a pile and it's your accomplishment. You put 20,000 into it. But Hollywood didn't like your idea. That's the options we have now. So for years, you and I have been speaking about CDs. And we've been talking about how Lee and I, one night, took a fucking thing, took it down to Bray.

A rented one. A rented one. And next thing you know, we got a fucking CD. It's number one in Canada or whatever. Lee and I couldn't figure it out. So we did it again 18 months later. That wasn't as good as the first one. It did well.

It did well. And then we waited two years and we did it again. And that one was sensational. And our friend Tate did for us the whole thing. But here's the beauty of it that for years, nobody liked me. Nobody knew I existed. I just put them on iTunes. And guess what?

I get a revenue on it and I don't get a great percentage. If anybody deals with iTunes, oh, put your music on iTunes and see what you get out of it. Cucksuckers. And they take a percentage out. They bang you out on the side. They bang you out in the fucking head. By the end, get that piece of paper.

Get up. No, please don't touch a drawing. You get a piece of paper and all the fucking ouch. It's like that one Ralph Crandom scene with Norton. He rips it down and he has one piece of paper and he puts it on his forehead. Same fucking thing. They take you down.

But at least you have that freedom to do that. Yeah. When you and I got here in 2003, it fucking sound four records and Johnny's record shaft and boo boo la boo didn't sign you. You put out a fucking CD. Remember that? Man, I showcase for uproar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't like me and shit. And then fucking the dude from Vietnam came to you and then he goes, you want to shoot us anything? How about I give you $33 a minute? You tape up at the ice house. And the next thing you know, people calling you from truck stops. Man, I saw your CD in fucking.

Yeah. South of San Marillo. No, I heard that, you know, this is what I heard, you know, in Jeff Fox where they that you might be a redneck that was in all these truck stops. And I heard that one of those tapes, you only got 400 bucks for the whole thing. And come on, that's one of it.

He's the you might be a redneck guy. And that was in the 80s. And that's what he got. And then these are the record companies back in the day. Like, oh, I got a record company. But then the comics start, you know, they're like, I never got really paid for it. And I have to pay like, you know, six bucks.

I got to buy my own copies for like six bucks a piece. And I'm like, guys, you have no idea. Yeah. You know, when you hear about when you hear about the music industry and you hear about Black Sabbath who had bad deals and management through stole money. I'm the one time these guys came to me. And we showcased at the ice house and they loved everything.

And then we showed up and they we signed all this paperwork for the armed forces. Remember that? What was the name of that? And we all shot and they gave us $15,000 flat. What was that one? And they gave us a thing and an address and they were going to sell $150,000 units.

And that went through. We were going to get an additional $10,000. I waited for about 12 months. And then I got the longest yard, maybe even longer, two or three years. And I got the longest yard. And I fucking the attorney I hired, I got him on it. And he was like, this is the craziest thing.

The paperwork exists. But these people are ghosts. But he goes, guess what I find out? He goes, they didn't sell 150,000 units to the armed forces. They stole 400,000 to the armed forces. And for years, I bumped into soldiers when they go, hey, I bought your tape over in Iraq. You, Jeff Garcia.

It was like six guys. I remember who was on the fucking thing. I made fun of an Asian girl. I told her to suck my dick. Suck the pill. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, horrific, horrific. K. Lopez? No, no, no, no, no.

I think I saw it at the drug store about eight years ago. Oh, please. It was at Walmart one time in Kentucky. I saw it in fucking Walmart. 2000 something. I had a heart attack. They're still getting fucking top price for it, $7.99. And they had this corporation that turned into another corporation

that turned into another corporation. I got so fucking mad. I'll tell you how mad I got and what the cocaine did to me there. I threatened to sue the guy from the ice house. Because he cut the deal there. He's got to have our fucking back. You know what I'm saying? It's like if I say you're going to have a pound of wheat,

it's the same fucking reason. So I got really pissed, but then I got over it and life moved on and I grew the fuck up. Yeah. Sometimes you got to grow the fuck up, people. That's it. Get your life together. Let me read some shout outs here.

We've got another spot somewhere. Where at? I'm going to head over to Flapper's and work on that next CD. Look at you. I'm going to give a shout out to my main man, Hugh Fitzgerald, Bob LaLengas in Chicago, my girl, Uki Spooky, aka T. Winkler, Keith Arizona, Greg and Lynn up there in Seattle, Jared Morse,

Mike Davis, grim motherfucking dog. You know what I'm saying? And my main man, Christopher, showed me his pug today, whatever. David Christiansen, nice fucking dude. I love that motherfucker with all my heart. It's Wednesday night already. Jesus fucking Christ.

It's June 2016. Can you believe that? It's June 2016, but it's June 15. It was just June fucking four, three days ago. Or at least that's what it feels like. It feels like time is moving. Quit jack. This guy told me an analogy about that

because I had a birthday and he goes, he goes, life is like a toilet paper roll. At first there's a lot of toilet paper, but then as you get older and it spins around, faster and faster, and then there's like less. And then you're out of toilet paper. Was it like the janitor? I'll tell you why.

No, is this a guy that I didn't know? I think I got something. I'm not doing no more edibles until the surgery. Why not? I think I'm going cold turkey. Just smoking? Yeah. I'm starting to get anxiety about the surgery

without the edibles. I can't imagine me going home or to a hotel one night sitting there and thinking about fucking knee surgery. No surgery or no. Do you have a way to stop that? Because sometimes I get anxiety too. Yeah, I got a way to stop that.

Stop eating edibles. And the fucking whole patois goes away because I'm telling you. When I ate edibles late, it's not good when I go home. I got like a late heartbeat in the middle of the night. A late heartbeat? What do you call those things? For relations and trimmer?

Yeah, like something that plays the drums. And I got to get up and walk around and wake my wife up and watch me for two minutes. I got to drink some water and turn on the TV and breathe. And then everything's all right. But it's that fucking edible. I know it is. It's not just my heart or something playing tricks.

I'm not going to tank in there. You guys are looking good though, man. This exercise is really, it's working. As like you said, you go up and down stuff. I joined a boxing gym last September and there's something about going to a place and sweating hard. You feel incredible, man.

Like stuff I never used to do before. I used to just take like mild walks and pull-ups here and there. But when you're jumping rope and you're like hitting a bag, it's like the best, you know. That will get rid of anxiety. My underwear was sweaty today. Yeah, I've never had that before.

It's kind of cool, honey. You like the shirt. Do you ever see it? You look at your whole shirt. Your whole shirt is just soaked. Yeah, the shirt's always drenched. But the underwear today was like, whoa. I'm doing something.

That's what happens. I heard years ago, sweating was good for you. I heard, you know, 30,000 fucking years ago when I was a kid that that's, as you get older, it's the most important thing to sweat. There's days where you take a day off. The next day you fucking, it's like the next day you work out and if you don't sweat, you can smell what you ate

two days ago, like I can smell carrots too. It's weird with the, if I ever don't work out the day after and it won't all be high pretty much the next day. If I have to give four years off to work out, otherwise it stays in your system. Oh yeah, now, and now you know how to get it out. Now you know that one hour in the elliptical and some kettle bells and everything is out

from the night before the salt and that lizard you eat. The fucking, the cotton shit you wanted to talk about that you were talking about last night, which is just disgusting. I wanted to get him marshmallow fluff. This is a disguised fucking eating. I don't want to know more about it. I don't eat it because it's fucked.

No, you rub it on your toes and sniff it, you fuck. I don't go to my house. I don't have my house. I'm just sorry. I'm just saying the mercy should have a fluff or another. What about cotton candy? Do you like that or not? No, that's always been this.

Fingers get dirty and shit all that effort. They walk around with sticky fingers and even if you rub them with cotton, now they attract stuff. Flies the fucking energy of things. You're like spider-man. You get home, you have glass and rocks and it's fucking disgusting.

I hate all that shit. I never fell for that stuff. When I went to a carnival in the East Coast, you buy those fucking Zeppelys with the sugar around them. That's my favorite. You get a nice fucking, you know, whatever. Have you tried the donut, cheeseburger? Not in a million years, dawg.

I don't know what. Have you tried it? You said like hamburger. No, me and Paul are thinking about it. We went to the fair. We went to the fair and we went to Yelp and we saw it. That's a good fair. And they got good reviews and I don't know.

We thought about it and then we walked away and the whole way on the fire, we thought to ourselves, we said, stop and get the fuck out of here. I knew you were thinking about it. I love that impression of you. Oh, please, every fucking Monday I get these ones out. The real reason I couldn't do it

is the only size they had was the triple one. Sure, that's you. Oh, man. That's you. I just wanted one hamburger one. Just one bite and see what it tastes like. Yeah. You and Paul could have just put it in between

years and met in the middle. I like that spaghetti for that movie. You guys don't know. That's delicious. I could actually see them doing it and bumping into each other and one bite in the other tongue and fucking crying and shit.

I don't know what I did. I don't know what I did. I love you. Did you think I got to do that dirty? I don't know what I'm going to do. Fuckingly. Tough of the nails, ladies and gentlemen. Kettlebell in it, 800, 900 milligrams a night.

I got them in basic fucking training. You understand me? Most people doing 10 milligrams, $9.11, stabbing their wife, jumping off a building. Not least I got them in the office, fucking banging it out like a fucking soldier. The fuck, Lee. So Darren Carter, you finally took the chance.

This is what number CD. My fourth album. In how many years? That's the thing. The first 10 years, you're like, you didn't even think you had to have a record deal. So my first one came out in 2000. After 10, even back then, you're like,

I remember we did some one nighter gig back in the early 2000s. You go, I'm proud of you. You deserve a CD. A lot of these guys, they've never, because at that time I did the Tonight Show. And you go, they haven't, they've been doing comedy for six months.

And they're like, I'm going to try to record it. You know, so I did the first. I was petrified, Darren Carter. You were petrified? I was respected guys like, listen. Yeah. For some reason, I get into comedy. And your first big goal beside getting a TV show

or winning the Johnny Walker Red competition. Or there was a search competition. And also with Doritos. Lee, I'm dropping knowledge on these motherfuckers. They don't remember. So when you were living in Michigan and you sat there and like, I'm like, oh, I want, I want that blonde in Hollywood.

But what do I, what's going to elevate me there? What's going to elevate you there is you had options. I'm talking about this. These were your goals in the 80s to be on a TV show or 90s. I'm 90s. Yeah. Be on a TV show and pop or movie and pop. You know, it's tough to get cast.

And when you live in fucking Utah for a big movie, I'm just, I'm just using a state beside California. No offense to anybody. Or you have a sitcom of yourself or a big time out. Like a big time out. Like people, you went to people's houses and every, every 10 houses, you went to the drink beer. Four people had that album and everybody said, put it on.

Yeah. You know, and then you, then about six months later, you'll get Homestone and you'll be going to your TV. And also there will be Calamity from Las Vegas. And you'd see that guy. And you go, oh shit, I'm staying up. But when you saw him, there was another guy that was even funnier than that.

Yeah. And now you became his fan too. You know, but that was the highlight, that album Lee. Yeah. When I bought an album and I walked home with an album and it was a fucking album. So I start comedy, never in my mind what I consider doing an album. Never.

I get to the comedy store. Never consider. It wasn't even in my fucking, I would see guys that got albums and I would go, hmm, that motherfucker's doing a good job. And then something happened. The word got out that you could sell merch on the road. Okay. And that's fine.

Every man from self, I don't put nothing down. And next thing you know, everybody's selling merch. At that time, the first merch was really CDs. This is around 98. People started selling the CDs. I got it. And I'm at that point, Shimmer was selling the CDs. Yeah.

Bobcat Goldway, Margaret Cho, not Nick DePaolo, but guys like, there was a handful of guys, Carlos Mancia. And then it kicked up a level again. And now something happened. The B-room comics started doing CDs. And guess what happened? They made a shitload of cash from 98 to 2000. And people caught on.

And all of a sudden you started going to shows. And kids that have been doing comedy for three years are going, hey, Dan Conner, here's my CD. And you're like, I won't even do comedy in like three years. And you couldn't judge the CD of the material. Yeah. But at first I was taking it back like three years. You got to pay your dues, Jack, before you could put a CD out.

So that was my train of thought. That something had, you had to put some more time in. Then they got a point by 2002. Lee, everybody had merch. Everybody had merch. The emcee had a fucking bumper sticker, the fucking feature act, had a fucking trombone and the fucking other guys had a CD and a t-shirt. And Carlos Mancia took it a level up.

Yeah. He started taping the shows, charging you and sending you the show for the personal show. Like that show that night. Like that show that night, which I thought was fucking brilliant at the time. That's 99, 2000, 2001, 2002. I didn't consider doing my first CD to after Spider-Man 2, that I really needed the money to snorkele. If you look at the album cover, I'm pale as it goes.

Yeah. Wow. Pale as it goes. That was a month away from dying Lee, all right. Well, I took those pictures from that CD. I was a, It's a shame. It's a fucking shame.

Yeah. So 2000 was the first one. And then I didn't even think about it for a long time. I was like, and then, and then, you know, What they give you 750 and told you they send you money later? No, no. For that one, I did, I, I, I, um, I had some help, but, but they really did. They, they helped me out a lot.

It was the first album, Shady Side. It was in Monterey, you know, those two brothers. I don't know if you ever worked with those two guys. I still don't know. I think so, but I don't, I don't know. I haven't gone back. I've gone back a few times, but, you know, um, and, and the reason I did it there is they kept telling me, you should get a record.

We'll help you. We'll help you have the recording equipment. We used to be in a band. We used to tour Canada. We'll help you. And they actually helped me. They, you know, but then I was like, I don't really want to do this thing. And, and then, you know, 10 years went by, but then, uh, you know, Pandora got popular,

Spotify, all these things in our apps or smartphones. And then in 2010, I'm like, I got to put another album out because I'm tired of my old stuff being on serious exam. And then it was a thing where it's like, this is kind of, this is cool, man. Because on the way to like doing a special and, and also other stuff, I'm like, let me work on material, get it out there. And, and, you know, so then I came up with another album, that last one, that stay at home stripper album.

And that, and then it didn't only a year and a half went by and then I was able to put this one out and this one comes out June 20th. It's, it's great. The party continues. And it's like, it's able to like, you know, I read this great quote. It said, without a finish line, a goal is just a dream. And so to be able to say, you know, and I hear you do that too. You're like, I'm going to make sure that I'm going to do this thing by, you know,

this date, October, or, you know, it gives you something to work towards. So it gives you something. So we're not just out every night, like, you know, or on the road or whatever, just like, here's my same old jokes. And you just, you know, you know, how many years I threw away in LA for not planning years, years that if I would have had the mentality that I had years later, I know, I would have been a killer in those days. I would have been less passive.

I would have known how to treat management and agencies better. Things would have been different. I would have tried to push. I would have worked a little cleaner just to get to the festivals. Do you know what I'm saying? There's mistakes you make and you learn from. But, uh, what are we talking about? I'm stoned on the fucking.

No, no, just the goals and how to, oh, otherwise you just thought they're once you figure out like a plan, like I have a plan every week, whether I'm on the road or home. People real quick. But I'm sorry to say this, but people are lucky to have Joey Diaz in their life. You know what I mean? Like, I'm lucky to have Joey Diaz in my life is right now. You're the mentor that people needed.

We all need. And it's funny. I'm a grown up and I still, but I still, I love hearing when you say, Mondays, get up early, Tuesday. I can't figure out. I wish I had someone telling me this. When I fucking talk to somebody, when I talk to somebody, okay, listen, let's get it out of the way again for the 80th time.

Boom, get out of high school, join the service, figure out some type of fucking college way, go to college for four years, come out, go back on the service, retire in the service and come out, go to law school while I'm in the service and come out and be a fucking attorney. That was the original fucking dream. Okay, that's you. You have a fucking whatever. There was no goal when you were a kid.

You say you're going to be a fireman. No fucking goal. All of a sudden you are at the out and you don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. That's how. But now you have to be self-motivated. You got to do stuff because people who come from great backgrounds and go to college are missing little things and they don't know that this is, you know, everybody goes to college.

I figured it out, man. I figured it out while I was at the University of Colorado with the felonies going wow. So what am I going to rush for to get any type of fucking degree? That means I'm going to have to do something with it. That's a scary thought. And Lee, at that time, I was a fucking grown man, dog. I can't imagine what it was like for you to graduate and go wait a second. Things change.

Mom's not going to help me. I mean, I got a free year or two, but this is real. And what if you don't like it? What if you're like, oh, I always, that's what happened. I saw people. I saw that happens to a thousand people. You get out of there and the investment, you're like Jesus Christ. Now I'm going to hold for something.

I finally go get the job. And it's not the fucking job I thought. And that's what it is. It's not that I hated it. It's just that it's when you go, when you're going to those schools, they pump you up and all you're thinking about is your dreams and you get there. And you realize, oh wait. Let me tell you a confession, Lisa.

Start the confession. Yes, sir. I couldn't imagine going to Emerson for four years or NYU or any other entertainment fucking school, Syracuse or whatever. I can't even imagine. And for somebody to ask me to get them coffee, Lisa, my ego would break considering of what I thought I had just done for some fucking mook to say, listen, Diaz, get me and my partner coffee.

Sweet. And don't fuck it up. Especially when you're making, let's say 2000 a month and 200 of that. It was a dry cleaning. Another hundred goes to parking. I always say 200 just goes to the student loans. And that's that. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love people. I always thought that going to college meant when you walked out something big happened. And that's why I always envied that lifestyle. I always thought that, wow.

That guy's got something going on because he went to college. And here I was getting the same education in a fucking different way with a different type of target, you know. And there's comics, you know, you come out here and you're very passive. You don't know what the fuck to do. So one day you go, why am I paying this much 10% and this much 10%? I got better ideas anyway. These are all my fucking ideas.

When you come out here, you go, I want to manage it. You think this guy's going to meet with you for coffee once a week and go, okay, so how's the act going? How's the fucking touring going? Let's go over your schedule here. You don't like Tuscaloosa. Let's get you a fucking personal jet and fly you in like that way. They did a little bumble.

And then let's do this. And let's just, no guys, they don't do that at all. If they do do it, you don't know. I want people at home to know, young comedians who listen that, I hope you don't think that when you come out here, they meet with you and they say, all right, listen, we want you to wear a purple shirt from now on. You know, we want you to go on a diet.

I did a stupid, okay. My first big time management, okay, back in 97, they were at the Century City, those twin towers, those top floor. I mean, it's fantastic. And the same building that Ron Howard, you know, I mean, he was right next door and I was like, looking out the window like, damn, this is big time. And I was just like, so excited.

And they, you know, they got me some college gig back then, 1200 bucks. And do you know, like when it got done, they booked a travel. So the flight and they got me a limo, a limo to take me from the airport to this college gig. Like the travel was 900 bucks. And then I had to pay my commissions and I'm like, what is this music unlimited? Like, oh, that's the car service that, you know,

even the limo guy was like, he's like, yeah, it's hard to navigate these, you know, these, these corners to do this college campus. And I'm like, is my management set this up, man? You know, and at that time I was still teaching traffic school on the side and I was like, Is traffic still still around? Can we still teach you?

I don't know, but I know that I haven't taught it since 97, but I, I did get a ticket and I, and I just did online, you know, about eight years ago. I'm like, that was kind of cool to go online and just like, you know, actually I went as a student one time just to see how someone else would teach it. And I'm like, man, that's pretty brutal to sit there for like eight hours and listen to somebody talk

about stop lights and changing lanes. And try to be cute. Yeah, yeah. And then you start picking up a certain act because, you know, it works over and over again. Yeah. Until one guy comes in and says, Hey, I got in the UI eight years ago

and you started the same act. And you're like, I fucked up at the store. I fucked up at the DUI room. What the fuck is my career going? One thing, man, I admire you for balancing your career, man. I admire you because I got to tell you, you're at a lot more than I am at night. And I fucking admire that.

But I am, I am wiped by 11 o'clock. Like I really got to work hard. You also get up early early. I mean, I get up early too, but I go back to bed. Yeah, I think you stay up. I got to, you know, once I had the nose surgery and I come out, I got to tune it up. I've been writing, but I tell you, nothing's been working.

I've been having brutal responses. I saw you working. And I know that fuck, I'm not going to have to bring Lee with me to tape me. I know that. You know what I do is I bring this phone out and I tape, especially my short sets. Like the ones are like 10 minutes or 12 minutes.

Those I can listen to and I'm like, okay, tonight I'm going to work on the boxing bit and I'll work on the bit about my wife, those thing about my son, you know. And then I, and then that's part of the work. And then the other part is sitting down, going to a coffee shop, listening to it, which is, we don't like to do.

And taking those notes and being like, okay, I did this, that I can tighten that up. I can, you know, and I got to be honest, this is the best time to do it in our careers because it's easier now. When you're young, it's, you know, you're, what's funny? What's funny?

Now this stuff just comes because we, you know, you already have your comedy receptors up and you're like, boom, boom, boom. I can say this joke. I can say that. My comedy receptors are getting fucking old because they're not attracting fucking funniness. No, they are.

Oh my God. And you watch, wait till your daughter gets a little older. The first time I've done a podcast, I've got anxiety attacks two times. I had a breathe out of my nose. One's thinking about how close the special is and how I'm 42 minutes away from the fucking goal.

I got to have an hour and five to shoot a 60. Yeah. They could cut it down to 48, which they assume they will to keep me tighter and bang it out. But at this point I got 22 minutes or something of material that, I'm telling you, man, just so I got a really,

I got anxiety about that. Comedy material comes so easy to you, Joey. I know it does. And people, you have things that you do that people like. It really looked like you had six bullet points when I saw you. You're like voting and it was like funny. And you're like, I can't vote.

And seeing you guys vote. That was picturing those moms at the farmer's market with the tattoos on their arms that you like to talk about. And in some guy, whatever, he had his man bun. I voted today. You know, I want to punch him in his fucking face. Oh my God, that was terrible. It was hilarious.

These dudes I saw in Starbucks that morning, just like I looked at them and I was like, wow, we're in deep trouble. And they walked into a voter like that. No, man, but I admire you. You're still in the fucking game. You got some movies while you were here. You know, you don't have.

One thing about guys like us is we lost the smell of desperation, which is a gift just in itself. After a certain time here, you don't want to be at a certain listen, if you go down to the improv on Wednesdays, you know, Marco Giovanni is there. Who's Marco Giovanni? The great director. Next thing you find yourself down at your CD,

like a fucking mutt, you're down there. Huh. And also one night you go up to me and go, Marco Giovanni, I'm a big fan of yours. He's my CD. It looks like he was thinking. He puts on a table and he walks away from me. You want to go home and put a gun in your mouth.

You know how many comics I know I did that? Mm hmm. A lot, Lee. They found out like a director was going to be at the improv on a Tuesday night or at the comedy store during the black show. Okay. And they'd linger in the hallways and then they'd

give him like a copy of this short film and shit. I used to see it all the time. And then it gets thrown away right around the corner. As soon as somebody grabs him and takes him to the bar. Yeah. As soon as they got to go pick up the drink, they go, what are you fucking kidding me? Come here for a second.

You want this? They're always trying to give it away to a waitress. You want this? And I was like, yeah, it's a friend of mine. Get the fuck out of here and bring that home. It's, you know, we all did that. We all did something that silly. And now you go to the comedy store and you see the

guys doing it and it brings back memories of how you don't buy the bullshit no more. Nothing's going to really help you. You know what's going to help you? Come in here every night. Six nights a week. Put night, you see these, you know, not selling your fucking soul.

Well, I got a Disney classic movie, so I can't curse on stage anymore. No. You know, I can't really be a fucking whatever because they don't want me on the show if I act that way. That's only, you know, that's not even happening anymore with comics. I know.

They know who they're hiring now. To different fucking game, Lisa, don't just sit there and stab me. What the fuck? I'm good. What's got, what do you got planned this weekend? What's happening with you? You look a little down.

No, I'm good. You haven't seen Paul all week. I can see you're starting to break. Donut hamburgers. Look at you. Yeah. Donut hamburgers. We're going to have to get on hamburgers.

Go ahead. What are you going to do? Oh, that's what it was. The lady in the trap where they had a spaghetti. And they, what are you doing tomorrow in the middle? Tomorrow. I have right now. I don't know right now.

All right. Which means nothing. And what do you got Friday? Friday. I have kettlebells and regular work. Right. Regular work. That means nothing.

When do you see Paula? Maybe Saturday. Maybe Saturday. He's going to come out of the house for an hour, make you eat something you don't want to eat, then drop her off with a handjob. Then say, you're going to bring her over and tell her the bosses, give her some stars at that Cosby.

Read her the fucking whatever. Well, she gets drug tested. So she can't do it. That's it. It's over. Well, yeah. Well, yeah. She can't do that.

Lawyers. Perhaps I'm probably the only people who drug test. Listen, I know lawyers that smoke more pot than you and I. Well, yeah. I'm sure once they get the job. Why can't they get the job? Yeah. Yeah.

I see how it works. That's it. You're going to be in the stars by yourself. You're just feeding yourself. Solo. From now. Solo. You're going to sit there in front of her.

Stone to the gills of your new head, dude. You're looking sharply. God bless you. I'm so happy you stuck with it. I'm happy you like Dave. That's big. And today I was thinking about why I go to jujitsu. Like how enthused I am about going.

And today I was having. No, I wasn't having no bad day today. It was just cloudy. You wake up and then later the last couple of days it's been cloudy. Yeah. So it throws you off. And all of a sudden you find yourself in a car going to do something that you're not good at,

but you're going to go to sweat and you're going to go giggle a little bit. And they're going to take your mind off. So when you come back to that, your mind's a lot stronger to deal with that joke or whatever. Dude, I love it. It's sick to best. When I come back, the first thing I do is login to jujitsu.com or whatever that's called bjjjournal.com on my friend's web page.

And then after I log on there, I go on my notebook. Every time when I'm driving home from jujitsu to the house, I got something the same in my head. And I got about 18 of those things, which if two of them work for the CD, for the special, I'll be very happy. Just a little fucking observation as you made. You know what I'm saying? Whatever.

So when does the CD get released, Darren Carter? It's called The Party Continues. Comes out June 20th. It's a, I took advice and did a presale. So people, if they get it, like they can buy it right now. And then they instantly get like a free track right away. You guys know I wouldn't have him on here if he wasn't family. Number one.

Number two, you got to respect him. That he's, that's it. We're all sick and tired of, for years, you hear stories and whatsoever. And I don't want to throw nobody on the bus. I'm not here to throw nobody on the bus. You hear all these stories. And now as artists, comedians, whatever the fuck you want to call yourself, we have the option to put your music up on websites and your comedy up on websites.

That's fucking big guys. That's something we didn't have fucking 15 years ago. 10 years ago, we didn't have this option. You know, and even then the people who would do the albums with you would put them on iTunes and would tell you, you make nothing. Right. They take your fucking little 40% that you get. So you were like, why am I in iTunes?

Now you have the right to control that. They have the numbers. They have graphs. They tell you everything. So you listen guys, if you're thinking of fucking doing something, do it already. All right. You want to whack off on a TV show? Do it.

Do it and put it on iTunes. Take a chance. Columbus did. You don't even know. Seriously. Here it is. That's it. That's all I got to fucking tell you on a Wednesday night.

At least I got an insane deck tonight. I got to talk here by myself. What are you talking about? I'm long winded because you're sitting there looking at me like I owe you 22 dollars. You know. No, I was fucking... No, no, no. You know, you can imitate that voice.

You see what I'm saying? You see what I'm saying, don't you? I love it, man. You know what? I just, I love your show and it's like, you know, I talked a little bit last time about being adopted and growing up in the foster home and it's like, you know, just having, you know, being a self-starter and not really having that, you know, and hearing a guy like you in your story, you know, and it's nice that we're still here.

You know, we weren't like these trust-fun kids that like, hey, you know, I would, you know, you know. I wanted to be a trust-fun kid that and the cold fucking reality that was that now you look back at it. There's nobody who wakes up and goes, Jesus Christ. I know. I wish I was a trust. Everybody at one time or another goes, Jesus Christ, they're digging a trench or they're going into their last semester and now they've upped the fucking money on insurance or whatever

the fuck it is, tuition. And next thing you see, you see these fucking kids that pull up in a fucking limo and they act like jerk-offs and they're doing drugs and they're fucking, fucking hookers and they're acting like animals. And for one second, you wish that was you. So you would act like a decent individual and make your family proud and use their money for fucking good shit. You know what I'm saying?

We never get that. I wanted to be a trust-fun kid for years. Go on. For years. That was like, I can't believe I don't wake up when an envelope and somebody cut my toenails and shit like that. But I don't think going back to like the high schools with the BMWs, those kids don't work as hard.

Some of them do, but some of them get because of their connections, hire up jobs and maybe they would if they didn't know anybody. But what you were talking about earlier about like me doing more work is like it's, you know that there's work to be done, but it's no one wants, no one wants to do it. No, like it's like you do things instead of you focus on projects you might, you maybe shouldn't and you, someone tweeted me the other day and said, isn't it motivating to work with Joe Ideas? And it is, but it's, I learned from you in a way like it's like, I don't want you to

be right, but you are a lot of the time. And I see how you, you cut away. And sometimes I feel like I'm too young to be cutting away certain things. Like maybe I should do things to get the experience or something, but the more I focus on one thing, it turns out better, I think. I'm super high, so that made no sense. No, no, no. I get part of your conversation.

Okay. And part of your conversation is this, okay? I don't even know how to describe, how to describe what the fuck he's saying, but in part it's like what we discussed in the car the other night. People get a real estate license and after two years aren't making any money. So they become waiters for 55 hours a week. And for years they tell people they're real estate agents, but meanwhile they're waiters. If they take the 55 hours as being a waiter and cut 55 hours to 25 hours,

and for 30 hours a week, you really focus on what it is to be a realtor from having your car clean, to giving out business cards, to mailing out hello cards, to calling people on the phone and preparing to meet them, to do an insurance appraisal, whatever the fuck it takes to just to sign them as a client. If you really do that, most people would get a real estate license work very hard and they get a cold reality. They buy a course, they get sucked into the course and the whole thing. How the fuck do I know?

Because I saw six out of ten of my friends became real estate fucking agents and not one of them became Trump. That's how I fucking know, okay? And there was all one guy was kind of kinky and he made a little money and he got out. He was very smart. He learned how to do loans to get loans with a bank account. And he fucking learned how to finagle and he made a couple hundred thousand and he got out after two years and nobody ever got the paperwork.

But besides that, I never knew nobody who out of all those courses became anything because people take that course and they think they're going to sit in an office and people are going to knock on your door and go, hey, we want to buy the $800,000 house. It don't work that way, especially in today's society. You become a real estate jack. First off, you're going into something that a million fucking people are into. You know, it's like becoming a fucking personal trainer, okay? You're going into fighting against buy recruiters.

You know what? You have a degree in kinesiology. You have an associates and fucking chemical fucking warfare and dietitian. And you work for ballies for 10 fucking years and you want $200 an hour. Good luck unless you bump into a sucker like me or some fat fucking or some eight or some actor. Right or wrong. It's 200. Well, how long are you going to think again?

How long are you going to think you're going to hold on to that price? You think of Lisa, that comes to you and goes, I want to train, but I only pay 75. Hours an hour. This guy's going to go, nah, I get 200 pass on, you know, how long? But every of those guys picks up one guy that keeps them going for like two years of the shot. You know, 750 a month, whatever fuck they charge, it's amazing. But the guys that fucking train, like I've known in this city so far, 15 fucking personal trainers.

None of them really trained me. I just had conversations with them and I watched them over time. Out of those 15, 13 of them have moved. And this is just the last three years that I've kept my eye on their methods and shit. One of them merged with a gym and these, you know, it's just really weird how it works out because that's that. It's a tough fucking racket out there to be a personal trainer. It's a tough racket.

Nobody knocks on your fucking door and says, I'm a fat fuck. Take me. I'm yours. It's a tough record. Take me. I'm yours. There's a lot of unemployed people out there and applying online. We've talked about before, hundreds of people are applying to those jobs.

Thousands of people, the chance that they're going to see your resume even is like. Yeah. But what job are you talking about? Any job. Listen, if you walk into a real estate agent and you go, I want to be a real estate, they'll say, do me a favor, go over there, smell the corner and tell me what do you smell. You come back, you tell them what you smell, you hide it. Wait a second.

If I run a real estate agent, you know how many agents I got? I don't give a fuck if you fucking work for me. Uh-huh. If you come in here, you got a license leak? Yeah. What do you look? Rare on the corner. 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Okay. You got a car? You got a Ford door? Yeah. My father just bought me a new BMW. I'm ready to go to work. All right. Don't say, okay, you got a desk over there.

Look at the lineup over there. You share it with eight gorillas. Sign up for an hour. We come in here, cold call, put our signs out, get out there. What the fuck do you think you do? You come in there and sit there and the phone rings? We got a house for sale? No, you got to get on a fucking phone and call the cold call people.

Again, you got to go market yourself. You know what that takes? That takes money and patience. Because even if this guy comes in and goes, I want to sell your house waiting until it happens in two fucking days. So you got to put a year and nine months in of bothering people. And all of a sudden four houses signed. You got four fucking listings leaked.

Now you got four listings to play with. And all of a sudden, bam, you sell your first house. And all of a sudden, bam, you sell your second house. And all of a sudden, guess what? You got two more fucking listings. But the one guy's waiting for his grandmother to die because they got to run the fucking head controls. You got hit by a bicycle as he's waiting to die.

She got 32 fucking million in the house. And this goes on for years, Lee. You know why? Because you're always rotating. You're always shaking hands. You're going, you're sticking to what got you to the dance. You know what? It took me nine months.

Now after nine more months, guess what? Lee, you got 12 listings. And you got three that got fucking offers on. And all of a sudden Lee, you got fucking three that sold more. And you got nine more people referred. You Lee, you're working with 20 fucking listings. And the office is looking at you going, this guy's a fucking animal.

This guy's a fucking animal. But there's people who don't understand that because that takes nine months or real work. And you know what real work is? Putting 30 hours in as a realtor like that, doing that shit, and going and waiting tables on Friday and Saturday, but doing it all day, working a double, that's fucking work check. Yeah.

Do you think and dealing with that rejection and just going forward, you know, I just, I was reading that, you know, the book that Joe Rogan always talks about the, the war of art by Stephen Pressfield. Absolutely. I love that book. I always pick it up and I always find something every time I read it. And he was talking about this one time.

He goes, I was in my 40s. It was humiliating. I met this producer and the whole time he was on his phone and like, he'd like the little Bluetooth in or whatever. Like a head and he goes, and we'd be talking and then he'd be like, hold on, and you just take the phone call and he goes, kind of just sitting there and he goes, it wasn't like I was, you know, it wasn't like I was new to Tinseltown.

I'd been around for a while. And at one point the producer says, Oh, hold on. This is, this is personal. I need to take it. Do you mind stepping outside? And he goes, so I grab my stuff and I go outside. I'm in the waiting room and I'm waiting and 15 minutes goes by,

20 an hour goes by and he's like, then the guy comes out. And he goes, I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry. I forgot that you're out here. Let's reschedule this. And he goes, and I went down the elevator and I felt like crap. But he goes, you know what? I was happy.

I had that opportunity. And he goes, and that's what you got it. He goes, and here's the thing. It's like the Matador who's something like he goes, he gets, you know, he's running from the bowl. He doesn't win that day, but that's okay because at least he's in the arena. He's not in the stands watching. He's not in the parking lot.

Hoping he could, you know, I wish I could be there. It's like, you know what? All right. I'll take my lumps. Big deal. I'll, there'll be another day I'll meet with the producer and I'll get this movie out. Can you believe you're still fucking swinging out 20 years in this time? Yeah.

Still here 20 years ago, we talked about this last podcast with the last guy who was on and he was a jujitsu guy just having a commitment to something for 20 years. Can you believe it? Yeah. Can you fucking believe it? Like anything else? Like an electrician who says I worked for 32 years. That's always been a big accomplishment to me.

This guy got up fucking six days a week and I'm like electrocuted. That's the same thing as being a comedian. We get electrocuted every night like I did. You know what I'm saying? I'm only a few years into my career, but it seems like every three to four years, you start seeing like major gains. Like you see every few months, but it seems like it's like every three to four years. I don't know if you guys have a different experience.

Well, I think that people think that anything that they pick as a career is easy sometimes, especially something that involves a commission or something that where you are expected to, you know, generate money, whatever your CEO, whatever, you know, whatever does. I think that, uh, what do you laugh about me? Hit him down. I think he's really high. What do you think Darren?

I think he's really high. I think you're fucking high too, Darren. I think I'm breathing on you. Give me that stuff. Let's get him out of here. I know he's got a spot. He's got a couple of spots. Thank you for coming on.

Listen, man, I had you on. You were talking about that flappers. I overheard you talking to Lee and I came back and checked the schedule and I bumped somebody. I go, you know what? I want to help Darren out. Darren's a great guy. He's done a lot of great work. I know you put effort into this.

It's not like you're a whore or nothing like that. You know, our, like I said, our desperation smell is over with and it feels so nice to walk into a comedy club. And I still remember Lee. 10 million situations where people call him a layman. Do you know that on fucking Tuesday nights, the guy who did Pulp Fiction hangs out at this place and they do comedy. Let's go down and sneak up at nine o'clock so he would see.

It's like something's really going to happen. And people would get fucking creepy about it. You want to give me that stuff? Sure. But you just don't know. You're just trying everything when you first get here. Yeah. How fucking embarrassing can you be?

You know what I'm saying? The last time I did the show, I got a lot of emails and tweets and I want to say thank you guys for reaching out. I love when people reach out. It shows you, you know, like I do morning radio a lot, like around the country. Not that nobody reaches out. Yeah, I even have done stuff in LA and it's like you get like maybe one, maybe one message or two, maybe two.

And sometimes it's because I'll tweet it. Hey, listen to me on blah, blah, blah, or and then it's my own people. So it's like, you know, it's great the power of podcasts and the connection that we have, you know, as listeners and as performers. I'm blown away by this whole thing. Every day I learn something new from an email or by bumping into people. You were saying earlier how you feel when people come up to you. How do you know?

How do you think my life hasn't really changed yet here? But it doesn't make sense. I don't really think about what's going on because it doesn't make sense to me. I'm from Boston, 900 milligrams of T8 seed and I do that to you so it doesn't make sense. No, but nobody doesn't make sense. That's why I do this with you. You think I do this because I like to see you fucking all over there, drooling and the shit thinking about Mexican food.

No, I do this so you don't think about what you're doing. What you're doing is magic and you don't even know. And you don't even know. You're just over there fucking like a dunce around like young Frankenstein. Well, because you're 900, but it's crazy. Like I'm just a dude from Boston and it's crazy that people want to take pictures with me. I don't get it. So I just, I don't think.

I was excited when I met Lee, you know, like, because I used to hear you on with Steve Simone and Joey and I was like, that's Lee. Hi, Lee. It was, I think I might have been in Las Vegas for something, but it was like, it's cool. You know, I couldn't appreciate it more, but it's just it's still weird. Some of it has gotten creepy at some point because they fall into your bathroom. No, they found my phone number on like old resumes I had online.

But I luckily took those down. But you know, everyone in the podcast, they've been great. Ever since Dr. Belize came out, I've been paying attention to that more and more. I still put the kettlebell on my stomach. I still do that stuff. And it didn't feel anything till today. It took a little longer than 14 fucking days. I know Lottie, but I stuck with it, you know.

And one of the things you have to do basically is sit on the floor and it's like a condolini type breathing, you know, it's like one of those things where you put your stomach in before you lay on your back, before you put the kettlebell and take the deep breaths. And what you're basically doing is breathing. And then there's one thing she says to calls your mouth and, you know, relax your jaw and look straight ahead. When you do that and breathe out of your nose, it's completely different. And you kind of go into a meditative state.

And lately I've been thinking about the special about me on stage. What are you going to wear? What do I want from the special? Just to get your mind in order before Jimmy Valvano, North Carolina won that year. And the practice is the first three or four practices made them cut the nets down. So they would see what it felt like when they won the championship to cut the nets down. That's really fucking good thinking. You know what I'm saying?

So it all starts at that shit. I know it sounds stupid to the people at home. You think I'm smoking dope with eight Indians and we're spitting out brilliant material. It don't happen that way. I don't know nobody knows that shit. But meditation is real important. And that's what headspace has to offer you as a product. Okay. Let's be honest.

Most of your problems start in your mind. Fear, anger, stress, anxiety, depression, sleeplessness. They begin in your head and they can wreck your life. Okay. I know for personal experiences, man, some nights I go pee and on the way back to lay down, I think about something and it wakes me to fuck up in the middle of the night. I got to go sit on the couch and smoke 15 bonkers and watch TV to come down from just thinking about it, right?

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like improving focus, relationship, harmony and decreasing anxiety and stress. For me, I use it for the anxiety. I use it for the stress. It's just a few minutes a day and it starts with this. You join over 5 million users already getting some headspace for free right now. Do me a favor right now. You're a church guy. I love you.

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and your busy modern life. We do when you think when you finish at the gym, you're trying to lose weight. You're at the gym. You got your heart rate up to fucking 2000. You're thinking about cookies and fucking pepperoni pizza. How do you think you come down from that anxiety? You go in the corner, you stretch your hamstrings.

You know, you stretch your back a little bit. You do a couple of those fucking yoga things. You know, you do those other things the cat car poses. And after it's all over, you sit down for fucking two minutes. You take your t-shirt off. You don't give a fuck about your stomach as if you're a man. You take your shirt off. You get a little freedom.

You cross your legs. You relax your fucking hands. You just breathe and breathe of what you want to do, what just happened and what you expected. And all of a sudden you just say a fucking little prayer. You clean that bad fucking air out, which I haven't done for years. See, that's what I was doing. The doctor please didn't open my eyes still.

You have to spit that fucking air out. You can breathe all you want. But if you don't spit that whole of that air and push your stomach out, when I take those fucking tablets, she sent me those. You lick this thing and it gives you your THC, your pH, whatever balance and you're fucking, you got to get it between six and seven.

There was days I was at like fucking darkness because I got to sleep at the machine. And I'm not breathing fully. That's why when I wake up, if I make a quick move, I almost have a fucking heart attack. I figured all this shit out all with that fucking book. So I'm happy she came on. I'm happy she turned me on to the meditation.

That's my fucking point, right? Like we said in the beginning of the podcast, we're getting sponsored by somebody who impressed the fuck out of me. It's Datu Sarra. You know why they have the hemp products and that's all great. But one thing I didn't mention, the products are exceptional. That little jujitsu bag they sent me,

they sent me a canteen, okay? I filled that up with water. I get the other thing, I filled that up with water. I put protein after drink. I filled that in that fucking bag. Then on the other side, I put my two towelettes and my nasal spray, okay? And then on the other pocket, I put my fucking phone

and my wallet, okay? And then in the fucking bag, I put a pair of shorts, a t-shirt, and a towel, okay? And then I got to bring this infected because my knee pads are rotten. They smell like 10 dead dicks. So I got to wipe my fucking knees before I get scurvy or whatever fucking grows on the back of your fucking legs, right?

Don't worry, I ordered new knee pads from Amazon. I know, the cock sucker page. Anyway, and then anyway, what the fuck I'm saying is, the bag is tremendous. It feels great, it's tough, it's got a strap, it's got two different handles, I got pockets for fucking the fungi soap. I got a new thing with the soap

and I got this new fungi soap. I just stick my toe in it and let it cement on my toes. Like in the old days, how they throw you in the Hudson River. With cement boots, I just have a cement toe. How long do you stick it in there for? For like eight, nine minutes until I get bored and I got to go somewhere. What the fuck is with the questions?

I don't fuck. It's a tie, man. That's a zara. Anyway, I'm sorry. Well, my fucking point is I got the fanny pack, I flew it last week, I had my nasal spray in there, I had my pens, I had two pan glasses, one of them broke, but that was my fault.

They're fucking three for $10. What do you think of they gonna last forever? I got my fucking, you know, whatever the fuck you need. It's around your waist. A lot of people sitting there looking at me like, Joey, what are you fucking gay? You're following your, but no. Let me tell you something, I'm an old fat man.

I don't like shit in my wallets, okay? So you put all that fucking shit in the thing there and that's it, you fly like that. They got the, what do you call those things? The fanny pack, they got the bag for jujitsu, okay? They sent me a beautiful fucking sweatshirt. I wear it outside jujitsu. It's hip, it's strong, it's solid, it's fucking light.

Any way you put it, listen, do me a favor. Go to DSGear right now. They got a rash guard, they got geese, they got a geese, hemp, tremendous. Please, go to DSGear.com right now. You like something? Tell them I sent you, get 5% off. What do they put in the box?

Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y, bam, in the box, you get 5% off. Go to look at this stuff. It's hemp, your motherfuckers love smoking weed and you want to support the cause and you love wood stock. Start by going to DSGear.com right now. I'm giving you a nickel percent off today, all right? And don't forget it, thebestonit.com.

Saving me here, 53, my liver looks like a fucking skank. I don't even know what my fucking liver looks like. My liver looks like one of those rivers in Newark. There's no even alligators, there's just dead fucking bones. Shroom tech, the sweat and the whole fucking thing has saved my fucking life, okay? With the alpha brain, the focus, the hemp protein powder, I'm losing a centimeter of fat every two weeks.

You understand me? At least I'm going forward. Why? Because I'm paying attention. And Anit sent me all those products. I tried them, now they support me and fuck it. We're partners now. And I love them and I think you should fucking try them.

So do me a favor. I can sit here and be in a psychopedia, bullshit. I ain't even going to bother you with that. Go to Anit.com right now and press in church. You're 10% off. Before you fucking press 10% off, look at the line of products they got. I can't help you with the weights and the sticks.

But the supplements, I'm your fucking goomba, okay? I'm giving you 10% off right now and it gets shipped to your house. Anit.com, Headspace.com slash Joey. And that's Susara, the best DSGear.com. Who's better than you, cocksuckers? Darren Carter, I wish you nothing but luck. Listen, again, do me a favor. I don't bring some fucking Johnny come lately

on the fucking show to, in fact, I want you to play laid down Sally on the way. A little ever clapping for you. We're going slow hands out of respect for D.C. The big screen. And anyway, this guy's I known him for a while. 22,000 people have come and gone. Me and DC is still here.

He fights for his fucking life. He plays Chattanooga, whatever they need him. DC's there. Black people, white people, albinos, corporates, this kid's a fucking real superstar. Any day now, somebody will put him as a partner in some talk show at midnight. He makes a half a meal and everybody's happy for him

because he put the time in. And that's the most important thing. But it all starts with your supports on the iTunes charts because people look at that shit. It's like the minor leagues. They do. I love you, Joey. I love you, Lee.

Thank you. I love you. Where are you at next, brother? It's the CD premiere party. We're going to, we're going to figure that out. I don't know right now. I want you to do it. I know on the road.

Yeah, thank you. Let's do that. I'm at helium next weekend. It's sold out. And after that, I'm having no surgery. I'm going to Vegas to Joe July 8th. I'm having no surgery after that. And you won't see my Cuban ass to fucking Oklahoma, bitches.

I love you, cocksuckers. Yeah, we'll be back this fucking. Listen, Monday morning, you're going to wake up. Doop, doop, doop. You're going to have a new fucking podcast. That's how I roll, bitches. Bam. I love you, motherfucker.

Stay black, Uncle Joey. The church of what's happening now, bitches. I love it. Is this the kids bop version? I had no idea. What's with the questions, cocksuckers? Is this the kids bop version? It wasn't this fucking guy.

There is nothing that is wrong Wanting you to stay here with me I know you've got nowhere to go I want you to make yourself at home And stay with me And don't you ever leave Lay down, Sally I'm resting in my house

Don't you think you are somewhat adult too Lay down, Sally Don't need to leave so soon I've been trying all night long Just to talk to you The sun ain't nearly on the rise We've still got the moon, it starts above Underneath the200 skies

Love is all that matters Won't you stay with me And don't you ever leave Lay down, Sally I'm resting in my house Don't need to leave so soon I'm resting in my office Don't you think you want someone to talk to?

Lay down, Sally I don't need to leave so soon I've been trying all night long just to talk to you Music I long to see the morning light Coloring in your face so dreamily So don't you go and say goodbye You can lay your worries down and stay with me

Don't you ever leave Lay down, Sally I'm resting in my office Don't you think you want someone to talk to? Lay down, Sally There's no need to leave so soon I've been trying all night long just to talk to you Lay down, Sally

I'm resting in my office Don't you think you want someone to talk to? Lay down, Sally There's no need to leave so soon I've been trying all night long just to talk to you Music This show was brought to you by Headspace Download the free Headspace app

and begin the Take 10 program for 10 days of guided meditation at Headspace.com slash Joey That's right, just go to Headspace.com slash Joey right now and download the free Headspace app You have nothing to lose, it's free You have 10 days of guided meditation

Headspace.com slash Joey The show is also brought to you by Datusara Go to dsgear.com and check out their extremely high quality functional gear made with hemp textiles They have bags, keys, rash guards and much much more You heard Joey talk earlier about how much he loves his bag

Use code word Joey at dsgear.com and get 5% off of your entire order and the show is also brought to you by Datusara.com