Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #391 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 22, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20 % off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.    Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get $20 off of your first order of wine curated just for you Tracker - Go to Thetracker.com and use code word "church" for 30% off of your entire order.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/21/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by MeUndies. Go to meundies.com slash joey right now to get 20% off of your first order and free shipping in the US and Canada and you can save up to $8 a pair when you do the MeUndies subscription plan. That's meundies.com slash joey. Show is also brought to you by Tracker. Never lose anything again with Tracker. Go to thetracker.com that's t-h-e-tracker.com and enter promo code church and you're gonna

save 30% off of your entire order. That's thetracker.com t-h-e-tracker.com and enter promo code church to save 30% off of your entire order. The show is also brought to you by ClubW. Go to ClubW right now and go to clubw.com slash joey and our listeners are getting $20 off of your first order. That's clubw.com slash joey and we know you hate paying for shipping so ClubW will pay for your shipping on orders of four bottles or more.

It's clubw.com slash joey and go to onnet.com slash church to get 10% off on all of the great optimization products like Alphabrain, Strongbone, Shroom Tech Immune and Shroom Tech Sport. Oh shit. It's starting. Kick that fucking meal, Lee. I want to hear that in my fucking cans. Come on.

Kick that fucking thing. He's one of these deaf young kids, you know, he likes music low. Crank that motherfucking hoarse. There you go. Don't look at me cranking. To the top. There you go. Can you believe that it goes this loud after two minutes of playing like we're fucking

emo, he'll react to something. Jesus fucking Christ, post. Stop being a victim, you fucking cock suckers. Get out there. It's the church of what's happened now, Tuesday, June 21st, one of my most hated people in the world was born this day. What are you going to do? I hate this fucking day.

This fucking jam. This whole side. I'm bad motorfingers, just fucking classic. Jesus. What's the story of you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here, Lisa at here, Tuesday, June 21st or coming in Tuesday, because I got a big fucking date. I got things to do people to see people to see.

As you know, it's been hot in the motherfucker here. I mean, you know, and listen, it's these fucking Gentiles that make it hot. I mean, it ain't that fucking hot. But I tell you yesterday, there were some moments you could not sit outside. Listen, I love being outside. I love the sun. I don't. I hate that indoor fucking shit.

You're depressed. Get vitamin D vitamin D. Vitamin D is the best fucking thing in the world for a couple minutes in the sun. I know, but Joey's son cancer, you know, it's cancer sitting inside four fucking walls, breathing the same fucking oxygen. Okay, that's fucking cancer. You go outside. You sit under a tree.

You get close to the fucking roots. It's making chlorophyll. You whatever the fuck you suck by that tree. You do some Dr. Belises. You get the little vitamin D things change. I fucking change whole days with 10, 15 minutes in vitamin D. It's fucking amazing how people actually scared of a little bit of fucking sunlight. I, you know, I get up in the morning, first thing I do is walk on the balcony.

I want to see what the fuck's cracking. I got to get some air. I want to breathe whatever the fuck's out there. You see what happened the night before was windy, you know, something. Were you ever self-conscious about taking your shirt off? Because I always used to be. And there's a huge difference for me between being outside and being outside with your shirt off. Who needs to go outside with their shirt on?

I'm talking just go outside and get air and get oxygen right away. You want to be fucking Tarzan. Nobody was talking about the beach. I'm not saying like who gives a fuck about the beach. I'm not even talking about the beach. You're just saying random walk. Yeah. The beaches got caught to the beach.

No, that's drama. I'm talking about you're in your fucking house. You get up at six. You know, you feed the cats. You clean the letterbox. You take a shower. You have some coffee and about 20, 25 minutes in whatever the fucking time it is. You open your door and you go outside.

You go outside and you see what the fuck's going on. You already showered. What are you going to sit in that fucking house for? You go outside and you breathe and you drink some water outside. You give thanks to God for giving you another fucking day. Every day since I was fucking in a rocket ship, I always went outside the house. You got to go outside. I don't think I'm agoraphobic, like scared of going outdoors.

Fuck yeah, you are. You sit in that fucking house for three days. Why are you getting anxiety? Why are you getting anxiety? Everything I like is in my house. I know that nothing bad is really going to happen. Like, I'll drive myself nuts. I'm not saying going to a strip court.

I'll spend three hours trying to figure out what to eat. It's not bad. I'm not saying going to a strip court. No. I'm just saying walking in front of your fucking house. Yeah. Under a tree, getting a little bit of sun, breathing, no music, no iPod, no nothing. Just collecting your thoughts for 10 minutes outside.

I don't care how hot it is or how rainy it is. Even when it's rainy. I sit outside sometimes. You get here with a couple of drops of rain. Oh my God. Who gives a fuck? But in a way it gets you going. It's a different way of getting going outside coffee and all these things.

You let nature get you going. If you were around 8,000 fucking years ago, you'd wake up outside and you'd breathe that air. And guess what? People didn't sit around and talk and read the fucking paper. They got up and killed motherfuckers. I know you said you've done this before you went to prison, but did prison have anything to do with it? No. Not being able to go outside?

No, not at all. I'm being a kid and living in Manhattan on 89th Street. That's my first memory of a real home. And we had in those days, it was an apartment, but you walked into the apartment. It was a living room. Then there was a kitchen. And in the kitchen, you opened the sliding gate. Okay.

It was like 12 by 12. Whatever the fuck those things are, you know, and I remember I just sit out there and look at the sun. I could have been four. I don't know what the fuck I was waiting for. I didn't have, I wasn't waiting for fucking rainbow or nothing. I was just a retarded little four year old kid and I would just sit there and look at the sun and go to myself. How fucking beautiful is this? Did you ever have dinner outside?

That was the, I had a deck too. I would go inside, I would watch TV and when I would get bored. Yeah. I'd go in that balcony and I'd sit in the corner. And my mom would say, why do you sit out here? It's better than sitting there. I'm breathing air. I looked at it.

If you look down in those days, you saw garbage. I don't like eating outside. Really? No. I don't like eating outside, especially when it's becoming this country. People eat outside to show you they're outside. Look at us with an umbrella. Put me in the back, looking forward to him.

Somebody comes in, I slip out the bathroom door. I don't understand it at restaurants, especially when I was outside. That's a jerk off thing. I used to date a girl that that was her thing. Let's sit outside. What do they call it? Suica fresca. Yeah, fresca.

I go fresca. Go fuck yourself fresco. Put me in the back and I look forward. I don't want no outside germs and no fucking people breathing. You ever see people handle your food? They grab the food and the motherfuckers that stop to answer a question, I'll break the dish out with a fucking head. You know what I'm talking about?

Like they have your food and they'll stop. Talk. Talk. Don't talk. And your food will be just sitting there out. Because you're looking at them in the kitchen. Oh, yeah. I look at everybody.

I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Uncle Joey keeps an eye on that waiter. I got one eye on the waiter and the other eye on the fucking door. The part that gets me, because I used to be a waiter, is like the thumb in the drinking glass or the thumb touching your food as they're bringing it to you. Or like if you're at like a...

The thumb is the least of my problems. Really? Just a little tip of a thumb. I don't like that. I don't like your ass or you don't. You put it in your mouth. The thing that bothers me the most is when they stop with your food to talk. And cools down?

That. No, it doesn't cool down. The breath. You're talking and my food, your fucking germs are sticking to my fucking food. And his germs are sticking to your food. How do you know which way this to the bathroom? I have no fucking idea. I'm carrying food that way.

But you don't stop with my three fucking dishes to talk to somebody. That's my point. And getting their breath on your food? Yeah, that's what I don't like. That's what I'm talking about. I don't give a fuck about a thumb. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't like the thumb.

I mean, this country's worried about thumbs. And you got hair. Who gets a fuck? If you're any type of civilian, you've been sucking dick for 30 years. How many hairs have you had in your mouth? You've got more hairs than on the fucking OJ Crime fucking scene. You understand? And right away, you don't want to fuck it.

But it's different. I don't know. It doesn't... Because listen, let me explain something to you that you need to understand before you get into anything. Okay. When you walk into a restaurant, you have to assume in the back of your mind that this guy scratched his balls and picked up your meat.

You have to assume that to let this guy, because if you don't, you're a fucking idiot. I try to put it out of my head, I guess. Yeah, we all do as Americans. You try to put it out of your head when you eat, but what do you think happens in a fucking kitchen? What do you think really happens? You know that food that you like? All those...

Let me ask you something. All these restaurants that fucking... That dude Bar Rescue go to, they're the restaurants you go to, the same type of food you like. You know, that dude that you were raving about, oh yeah, carnitas on a sandwich, listen. That guy will be out of business in a year, and he's a filthy fuck back there. Because those carnitas, who's eating the fucking carnitas sandwich? The only one that's doing that is you. Nobby has come up to me in the last four weeks and said, I found this place, and they have

a carnitas sandwich with Swiss cheese or cheddar. That's even fucking worse. We've discussed cheddar today. You hate cheddar, I don't know what it is, delicious? It's not delicious. It's not a good cheese at all. It doesn't do anything to a sandwich, but makes you fucking the whitest fuck. That's all cheddar does.

Cheddar's not Swiss. Cheddar's not monster. So what cheeses are passable? American sliced thin. Sliced thin on turkey, tasted sometimes. Thin with mayonnaise. It's that fucking, it conglomerates better than that hard cancer. That cheddar's a hard fucking cancer.

Don't you look at that fucking cheddar? I don't think it's a cancer, but maybe. Who knows? I like Swiss. Swiss is a call for ham. Swiss is a call for fucking turkey when you change. Little Swiss, little Swiss on roast beef would change on rye bread. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.

You have no idea with the little seeds in it, the little rye bread with some roast beef sliced thin, a little pink, a little some salt and pepper on that motherfucker. A slice of Swiss cheese or two, a little shaved lettuce. Very important. Shaved lettuce. Is that little strips? It's little strips. I love the little strips.

And the slices of tomato on rye with mayonnaise. And then come back and you see your uncle fucking Joey. If that's not your sandwich. I used to get pissed at my mom because I loved something, something about shaved lettuce that tastes different. Yeah. As opposed to like one leaf of lettuce. Like complete that leaf.

I take that thing and I go, yeah, I don't want this. And they just put the leaf of lettuce and I don't want that. I like when they put the spinach in and all that type of stuff like the spinach leaves. I don't mind that. Okay. But shredded lettuce is the core. When you go down to Jersey Shore, it's shredded fucking lettuce. When you go to Hashway's Deli, it's shredded fucking lettuce.

When you go to the Palma in Fairview, it's shredded fucking lettuce. What part of that doesn't anybody fucking understand? It's I think it's laziness. I guess. Yeah, it's laziness. It's for complete laziness. That's why I can't, you know, you can't go to those places because if you go, you just fall into that fucking trap.

You just have to boycott those places in your mind. Everyone makes fun of you for like having your stances and stuff, but it gets you out a lot of bad. Well, you never have like a really like a bad meal. No, it's just like, I stick to my guns. Right. Yeah. I stick to my guns.

I love to try new things, but I look at the person who suggested it and I look at the other foods he's told me about in this fucking stupid fucking life. Do you still take advice from me or no? No, not even close. You're disgusting. You like carnets out on French fries. Who doesn't like, it's delicious, carnets out of fries. That's just garbage, Lee.

That's just garbage. A nice fucking steak fry, nice with an open steak sandwich, that's the way America, a fucking carnete. You don't know what the fucking carnete is. It could be a pork knuckle. I saw that meat they served at that thing, the other day. Where? At that fucking benefit I went to.

It was disgusting. Yeah, bad meat. Listen, when people created all these meals, they have to evolve, but nobody in their right mind had the shit they're going to put on French fries now. I mean, how many things can you put on French fries? Everything you're fucking ridiculous. There's nothing I like on a French fry except ketchup, a nice cut potato from the house and you cut steak fries.

It doesn't mean anything. If you want to dope it up with some garlic slices then and some onion slices, that's it. That's all that needs. It doesn't need, you know, nothing else. When I grew up in Jersey, I used to go to those places that had the gravy with the mozzarella cheese. That's fucking delicious, but you don't see me eating it every week.

You can't. You can't. You know, you throw those weights around three times a week. Let me tell you what I ate today. What do you have? Tell you what I ate today. I woke up this morning and I had an almond smoothie. I didn't eat dick.

You know what I had for lunch? I had a steak and eggs with fruit and a piece of wheat toast. That's good. I ate nothing else. And then tonight my wife made some fucking fukasha hamburger halbray, two fucking spoons of it. Tonight I'll have a protein shake. I'm not better than you, and I'm trying to eat better, but I never, like if I knew

now when I knew at your age, I wouldn't eat half the shit I was eating. I would just refuse to eat it. And I did. When I tell you I'm not going to do, listen, I hate my one friend, but one thing he always told me is when you, I was telling Larry this last night on the phone, he's like, when I put some in my head, it's over. I'll never look at that food again. I'll never eat there again.

I'll never go back there again. I don't care what they tell you. And I grew up at a time when there was no yell. When you made a personal fucking choice, you made a personal thing. I don't check you out because look at the people who are going on yell. They don't know about food. What do they know about food? They've been growing up out here, eating this shit.

The fuck do they know about food? Nothing. A carnita fry. Who's ever heard of that? I guess she's on it. It's so good. You know how hard you work? Yeah, I can't eat them.

And I don't I don't. It's like it's over. Like like at one point you look at that food and go like it's never happening ever again. Like that's it. Never again. It can't happen. Like that's the discipline that America has never really understood with anything, whether it's drugs or food or a pill or anything.

And and everything that goes with that has to be shut down. I.E. somebody calls you and says, Hey, I'm having a party at that place. I ain't going to why? Because they have carnita fries. I wouldn't even step in the building. No, no, no, it's just little things that people and then we go back on. And then we get angry with ourselves. I should have never came here.

You knew it. You fucking knew it. Two thousand million people are not wrong. Jared tricked the whole fucking nation into eating that horse meat. It's terrible. It's fucking terrible. And if you say to me, well, Joey, it's a sandwich for five dollars. Do you know the sandwich I can make you for five fucking dollars?

You have any fucking idea of the sandwich I can make you for five fucking dollars? Yeah, the sandwich you can make yourself for five fucking dollars. We have to go to the store. Well, give us a fuck. A lot of people would you rather go to the store than have fucking that tattoo guy with greasy fingers? He's been smoking cigarettes. I don't give a fuck how many gloves at Subway.

One of those fucking foreigners put on the hands and that white dude with the tattoo of an alligator on his neck. He could put on three fucking gloves and the stench of his life is still going to touch that fucking disgusting turkey pastrami they get that you're going to eat. Five dollars you're selling your fucking soul. You're selling your soul and then it's just five fucking dollars not good at all. Even for even for to save the money. No nutritional value at all.

That's what I'm fucking saying with half of these. But half of these places you go eat at now dog are all a fusion. Everybody wants to be Johnny fucking fusion. And they all when did that start? Do you know I'm sitting on my balcony last Friday. It's me and my wife were talking. It's fucking two in the afternoon. I went to do who the fuck knows what happened.

I know I'm starving. I look on the table. There's a fucking menu. All right. It's for I look at the thing. It's a spicy garlic shrimp. That sounds good. I said, God damn.

Where is this? I told my wife we went down there first. I'm walking and I kicked myself in the ass. It was one of those mixed places. It was half Japanese and half Chinese right already. But here's on my neck. Suck out already. But I go, you know what?

I got to be fair. I got to talk myself through this. Why be negative? I could be positive. Well, let me tell you something. The fucking fried wontons taste like terrible. Even my wife will like what are these things? The fucking filly filly roll roll the cream cheese with two years old.

Okay. The shrimp and garlic was okay, but they gave me those fucking Metsamote shrimp. Once I see those shrimp, I got to go. The rice was the best thing on the menu, the white rice. Will I go there again? Never in my fucking whole life. Was it my fault?

Absolutely. Because I don't go. With my world, you got to pick a country. You're the Chinese or Japanese. You can't sell sushi and pork fried fucking rice. And every time you go to those places, you're going to end up going, wow, this ain't that good. No, because they can't even make good Japanese food.

Now they want to try to cross fucking over. They want to cross over? And then the problem I have with going out to eat, I have a terrible time making choices. Like, I'll spend two hours. And it's because I don't, I'll go to these places that, oh, I had a bad meal there, but I'll try them again. Like, it seems like you just, if you make a decision

and just stick to it, it makes your life a lot simpler. Which I have a huge problem with. I went to this place, Ghana burger. Why didn't you go to staff? Well, because I don't give a fuck what Paula thinks. I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks. My wife, Paula, your wife, if somebody comes out here to visit me and says, hi, I was in a bar in Jersey,

and I heard about this place called Five Fingers Burgers, Five Brothers, whatever the fuck it is, can we go there and get a hamburger? Yeah, on your own. You want a burger? Yeah, we're going to staff. Why are we going to staff? You don't get bored of any of these places?

No, but I don't go every fucking week. But it's the best burger. Why fuck around? I'm not going to go anywhere else. There's no reason to go anywhere else. The fries suck dick there. But the burger's the best burger in town. The thing to do is to go to Jerry's, get steak fries,

go to Stout, get a burger and bring it home. That's your best bet, but I'm not that much of a fucking animal. That is the best bet. I love doing that. Okay, that's what I'm saying to you. I wouldn't go anywhere else for a burger right now. Nowhere else, the next 10 years while I live here. There's no reason to.

That fucking burger is the best burger. The flavor in that burger, I've been all over the country. That's the best burger I've had in 10 fucking years inside that burger. How they cook it, the pink, it's real meat. You never get sick there. The onion rings are fucking tremendous in the iced tea. I'm not going to recommend anything else to you there.

I don't know. I never had it. But when I want a hamburger, one of my friend, hey, I want a hamburger, my friend Julius says, there's a place in Sherman Hills. Listen, then go with Julius. Right, go with Julius. But today, we're going to Stout.

And I guarantee you'll love it. And that's it. It always works. It's not that I'm being a prick. It's not that I'm being a bad person. I go for what's the best bang for my fucking dough. How do you get so confident? Because I don't have it at all.

You just grow and you go, this is what I'm going to do. And this is what I'm not going to do. That's it. This is what I'm going to do. And this is where I'm not going to go. You know, yesterday was the first time that we got a, it was too hot to cook yesterday. Right.

So yesterday I was going to Jiu Jitsu on the way back. I'm starting. Jerry Rocha calls me, we're talking. And he goes, I'm at the golden chopsticks. I said, you know what? A Chinese lunch wouldn't fucking kill you. So I got the chicken pepper, you know, just nice chicken with brown rice, you know, wasn't bad.

But that's not Chinese food. Any idiot can make a piece of chicken with brown rice. Do you know what I'm saying? Right. Like I had a settle for fucking chicken with red peppers. You know, those little red spicy peppers. That's not what I would have got there. No.

But they don't have Szechuan beef the way I like it. They don't have anything. And you know, they can't mess that up. Right. So I know they can't fuck it up. So I take the easy route out so nobody gets their feelings here. But like that, that does that Chinese place I'm in tour. I went there with my wife and my wife was pregnant.

They got me one time for 60. Don't ever get me again. It was disgusting. I'm told one day I said, I'm not eating Chinese food no more. What does that mean? I'm just not doing it no more. When I go home to chance, I'll stack up. There's no reason to eat that shit otherwise.

It's just bad. The only thing I like around here is that fucking Szechuan. Oh, the green apple. The green apple. But who's going to. I got to go park and go under tunnels and now forget it. And that's why I don't going back to why I don't leave the house. I think about all that.

And then I'm like, why even leave the house? Why even go outside? You think about all that, but you'll settle for a shitty restaurant. Instead of just going to get overwhelmed. I'm like, oh, fuck it. I'll just go there. Why would you get overwhelmed? I have no idea with TV today.

Nobody can have a decent TV show today. It's not even worth trying to put a decent TV show on today because there is so overwhelming of television. There was so much entertainment. If I want to stay home, if I wanted to be a 500 pound fat fuck, I could do it in today's world, just staying home. Easily. It wouldn't even be hard.

Easily. They've programmed this for you to stay home and watch that shit all fucking day. There's a new show on Netflix. There's a new show on this. There's a new show on that. So no show could really grab you. I hear the hottest show is the family fucking show on ABC. Modern Family?

There is not one person I talk to that watches that. Number two, every show I've seen on ABC the last two years is so godawful. It's so godawful. I told my wife this last week we were watching something. I can't even watch Shark Tank no more. It's getting a little weird. Yeah, it's getting too cocky now and Shark Tank plus. Who gives a fuck?

Give me the money or not. You're going to rob me anyway. What's the big fucking deal? I'm getting robbed no matter what. So you see the fine print at the end? Yeah. It's fine print like a motherfucker at the end. So it is kind of crazy, especially with that show,

that we've been convinced into watching an hour long of commercials. That's a commercial for their companies and their products. And it's amazing that that's it. Well, you're really buying them out of all the shows I watch Shark. Oh, I watch it every week. I'll watch it. But it's so weird how people glorify these other fucking shows. And I try to watch them.

I'm like, I don't know what these people... But for me, it's been like that all my life. I could look through something. I could see two or three little things and go the same for me. You know, I was talking to Larry yesterday. I love Las Vegas. I love the idea of moving Las Vegas. Yeah.

What it was he yesterday? Only 110. That's the way it is for three fucking months. Oh, no, thank you. You know what, man? You don't have enough air conditions. For me at this age, I know exactly what I'm going to do. And I know exactly what I'm not going to fucking do.

I know I'm not going to have to eat broccoli. I know I'm never going to eat fucking asparagus. I already know because I haven't done it already. And I won't fucking break for it. I know I don't give a fuck. What's wrong with broccoli? I just don't like none of that shit. I don't.

I like lettuce, tomato, and onions. That's it. But only shredded lettuce. Shredded lettuce for different things. You can't give me a salad at home with shredded lettuce. You look like a fucking moron. You have to cut the lettuce. Do you understand me?

And that's what all these people have messed up out here. That's what they, you know, it only takes a little bit more to be that much better. I open up a sandwich shop. Guess what I'm going to do before I open up a sandwich shop? What? I'm taking my fat fucking friendly in me. And we're going to get a big bag of reefer.

And we're going to go to the 10 top sandwich shops in the country. That's how you open up a fucking business. That's the investment. You go to Jersey and you go, guys, give me the best fucking sandwich pie. And you hear 10 guys, Vitos, Jocos, Moogies. You do a thing. And whoever has 11 out of 12, you fucking go to them.

Then you go to New York City. Who's got the best sandwich? This place. You go and you eat the sandwiches and you learn. Then you go to Oklahoma. You eat a sandwich in Oklahoma. And you're almost puke. That day I had a sandwich in Omaha.

I almost fucking puke. What happened? Oh, my God. It was just something that they couldn't even make a sandwich. But I knew this going in. And this is what you get when you go to a small little fucking airport. You're so hard on yourself.

This is what you get. That is. I should know better. It's true. You reach a certain age that you already know what you're getting yourself fucking involved in. That's about 34 or 35. You know, you're going to get sucked into this stupid shit.

That's why I had a friend who got hooked on Coke at 50. I'm cracking 50. I never saw that. Oh, God. After all of life that's been happening at 45, you want to get hooked on crack and smoke crack and all this shit now? That's crazy. Were they sober up until that point?

Well, not really. You know, they were still fucking doing shit, but now they smoke crack out of everything at that age. Yeah, that's intense. Crack. It's weird, especially because when I used to look at people my age now and think I was old, but now when I'm growing up and seeing, like I live next to this woman who is very nice,

but I'm pretty sure she's a hoarder. She doesn't leave the house. It's really, it gets kind of creepy after a certain age for a lot of people. Like it's, it's, it's sad. It's, it's weird how people just deteriorate. Well, I'm not deteriorating yet, but no, but listen, that deterioration process, you have two choices.

You can let yourself deteriorate or you can do something about it. You follow me, man. I mean, I've never had it, but I can't imagine what it's like to lose the will to live. I want to live every day as bad as my life was. There was something. I knew that there was something over the fucking hell. That's the only way I could describe it. When you get up in the morning and you realize where you're at

and then you start thinking about your life. And right before you fucking go into a fucking coma of depression, you fucking look up and it's like there's something over the hell and you run in the shower and when you're in the shower, you give yourself that confidence, but I can't imagine what it's like not to have the will to live. Not to have the will. And it's not about money.

I know people who had millions of dollars that they lose the will to live. And I just always thought life was fucking great. Like, no matter how bad it was, I never saw it. And I got to tell you, I felt bad and a lot of times in my life, I'm not going to fucking sit here and tell you that there was years. I didn't know what the next level was or... So when you were homeless, you didn't feel that way? When I was homeless doing all that shit,

I got to tell you, I knew that I was putting myself in this position. But part of it wasn't that I wanted to do it, Lee. It was that this is where I wanted to be. I didn't think I was good enough to do that other stuff. So it's that complicated for you? Like, listen, half the coke I did, I didn't want to do. Half the shit I did. Do you think I really wanted to fucking break into somebody's house?

I didn't want to fucking do that at all. It was 19 or 20 factors. I could have got a job, Lee. I'm capable, man. Don't let me fucking bullshit you. Yeah, I don't have another college educated. I don't use big words. But you take me into your office and you give me a week or two.

And I'll figure out what the fuck you're doing. And all that four years of college you went to school for, you're gonna go, boy, was I stupid. You follow me? I mean, you really have to think of all the things you could do and learn on your own if you really have the desire to do it. If you really want to be a fucking camera guy, you know, okay, Joey, but I only make $2 a week at my sandwich place.

Then you put away $25 and you get yourself $150 on camera. And you just start shooting. You know what I'm saying? When you really think about it, there's so many things that you really could be doing if you really wanted to do them. That's, I think that's the hardest part though. And that when I say I have anxiety, a lot of it comes from starting shit.

Once I start something, I'm good. But I'll go back and forth. And it started when I was a kid with homework. It continues now with my professional, a lot of professional stuff. Well, I'm going to tell you something. That's really funny. You mentioned homework.

When I got out of Catholic school, you had a certain time period to do homework. So I was pretty much trained. Okay. You had a, I think you had like a five to six 30 was homework. And then you ate dinner or you ate dinner and did homework. Don't quote me on this. I don't know exactly what the thing was.

So I went to sixth grade in North Bergen. And in those days, I used to, since I had been brutalized to do homework between a certain hour, I would do homework at night before I went to bed. Just because fuck them. Fuck the nuns. Fuck the nuns.

Yeah. But then when I got left back, I always did my homework first and got a little even. Those years I was at North Bergen and my mom had died and I would do acid with those guys after school. If I had a project, I would go to school early and do homework at school, just go to the cafeteria, sit there by myself.

I wouldn't even go to study because then people would see me. You know, if Lee got out of school, I think it was 238 and the last class went to 234. I used to go to school at seven, but I'd get out at 12, 15 every day because I was part of the CIE work study program. So you got 15 credits to work. Oh, nice.

Yeah. Getting out at noon every day. Yeah. So sometimes I would just call the lumber yard and go, I'm not going to be there till three. I knew I was going to do acid that night. So right at 12, 15, I'd get my books and I'd run to the cafeteria

or somewhere that nobody could see me and I'd do my fucking homework and I'd just leave it in the locker. That's how organized I got. Even just getting the fact to get left back, I never procrastinated with schoolwork again. Even when I enrolled later on at Colorado Mountain College and I started going to see you at night and all that shit,

I never procrastinated homework and it still sticks with me today. Like this podcast sheet gets prepped Sunday. For the whole week? Yeah. Except for the names for the shout outs. Wow. Okay.

Everything gets programmed because I like my homework. You got to have homework. And just get it done. Listen, you have a chair. We got to do something to do and get it over with. Yeah. And I didn't learn that from fucking nobody. You know what I learned down?

Samford and son. Fred Samford told the mom one time, when you got to do something, do it and get it over with. That's why I call it work. It's not easy. They call it work. They call all this shit work for a reason. Do you ever...

It's been going crazy in my mind. It's work. I was pretty lucky in school. I would do the homework. But for tests and for all that stuff, really, I would study a little bit maybe. But I could pretty much do nothing and get a B. And I really think it fucked with me.

I think it hurt me in life. Because... And it's not like my parents were sitting like, oh, you're the best. I'm sure they did that a little bit. But I honestly think me not having to put the work in back then has really held me back in work. Because I still sometimes take a long time to get started,

or I'll put something off. If I know I have until three o'clock on Thursday, I'll wait until 1.30 on Thursday, rather than finishing it on Monday, for no reason. I'll take me a few days to get started and stuff. But in the meantime, I'll make notes. And that's the excuse I'll give myself. So I'll make notes.

At least so when I sit down, I can start doing whatever the fuck I gotta do. Taking care of the shit in front of you is so important. Being on top of your schedule is so important. And I can tell you this, from not having a schedule to being on top of it, it's two different fucking worlds. Sometimes it's too creepy.

Like it's too creepy, because you're held too much to your schedule. But it's not bad in a way. Because it makes you be more productive with your day. Well, I would imagine if you're going from no schedule to schedule, you might overshoot a little bit, and then just have to dial it back. So we're like a happy medium between being scheduled

and then having some... I try to break everything into two-hour chunks. Okay. I'll write for two hours. I'll do business for two hours. I'll go to Jiu-Jitsu for two hours. I'll come back and write for two hours. Then I'll talk to my wife for an hour,

see what's going on with the house, look at the mail with her, talk to her about this and that. You know, you have to keep evolving. I can't sit at one place. For that long. I know when I sit down in the morning, what I got to do on the computer.

And there's times I'm doing four fucking things at once. That's the beauty of the computer. I could be answering emails on Facebook, sending emails on Hotmail, quitting a bitch, and fucking answering g-mails. Yeah, absolutely. You know, it's so weird that I'm on a notebook in front of me.

With the earphones on, listen to the music. And the notebook has jokes, but the other notebook is the people I got to contact and why. And then on the back of that page, I write that I contacted them with a result. And what happened? This is all at once. So I'm juggling six fucking things.

I'm on Facebook right and suck my dick. It's Wednesday. Then I'm on YouTube blasting a song. Then I go over to fucking Hotmail. I answer this fucking Momo. Then I go over to Twitter and write that out and answer three people there. And then from there, I take that to the notebook.

And I go, that dude just gave me a fucking joke by mistake. And I write it down the notes and I try to make it funny. And then on top of all that, I look at the other notebook and I go, holy shit, I got to call Andrea. I think that's brilliant because here's an issue I have. You were big on me for a while to make sure you tweet on Facebook at least once a day. Like, I've been trying to get better at it.

So in the mornings, I sit down and I try to think about what I want to say. But a lot of times if I'm stuck on what I want to say, I'll just sit there and do nothing. And you've said it forever. I have to have two notebooks, have a couple things open. Get up, take a shower. Once you're dead, you're dead. You have, you're in no position to sit anywhere for a fucking hour.

You're 26 years old. You can't sit there staring out into the world looking like a fucking Momo. You got to get up and right there when you start going to shower, right there when you start, you should be hitting the balcony, hitting that pipe, and shooting into the shower. And by the time you get out of the shower, you'll have something to say.

And you just did three birds with one stone. That's how productive you were all in one fucking loop. So you get up in the computer, go in the bathroom, put the hot water on only. That's it. Hot water on only. Close that fucking door. Go out to that backyard and hit that motherfucking tutu-tuts.

Put that down and go in there now and put the cold water on so the fucking floor gets nice and hot for your feet. And now you get in there and you got steam to open up your pores. And then you put the cold water on. Fuck you and your drought. If it takes eight minutes to smoke the bowl, it takes eight minutes. If it takes 10 seconds, whatever.

It looks like fucking some hippie don't take a shower. It's a big deal. He ain't missing water. So by the time you go back in there in eight minutes, it's steamed. You go in there, you get your fucking loofah, you could shave, do everything in one fucking shot. And usually, if you have the smoothie early, by the time you're doing the Twitter, you got a shit.

So now you smoke dope, you sit on the throne, it's steamy in there. The problem with hot air and shit is it thickens in there. It's not good. It lurks in there like a fucking herpes. It lurks. It smells for a little while, but you flush it. You get that fucking shit water. You let the hot water turn cold for a minute.

And now you kill date birds at one stone. You fucking smoke, took a shit. Made a smoothie. Showered, shaved, shampooed. You put cream on your legs. You clean out your ears with the Q-tips. You put viseen in your eyeball so nobody knows you're fucking stoned. You know, your listerine, you know.

This is all right there. By the time I get out of the shower, my clothes are on the fucking bed, Lee. I already got the clothes on the way in to smoke. That's what I did. I took a pair of shorts out socks and I throw them across to the fucking bed. That's productivity in your fucking day. I think multitasking has got a better app recently. It's a fucking bonus.

It got a better app, whoo, by fucking people who are lazy. That's not multitasking. That's being productive. That's not going any direction without an empty hand. That's what that's called. Not making a move without an empty hand. Why am I making this move all the way over there without an empty hand for? What can I take to the fucking kitchen?

This glass that's been sitting here for three fucking weeks? Right, yeah. So now I got a plan. As soon as I got up, I got a fucking plan. I'm going to go into that kitchen, eat whatever, boom. Back to the bathroom, put the hot water on out, smoke, go back, shit, boom. By the time I get out, clothes, everything's ready to go. That's called productivity.

And if you can't do that in your house, how the fuck are you going to do that work? Right. How are you going to do that work? Who the fuck says multitasking is? Multitasking because I tell you what happens to people. A, they multitask without a list. Like my wife, they multitask without a lift, a list or being prepared to that multitask. Why is the list so important?

Because it follows you. You follow to the blueprint. So it makes the multitask a lot fucking easier. What do you think? I could just juggle three fucking balls. No, but if I write every move, if I know every move, when I get up that multitask, I just saved fucking two hours of labor. And is it because people get like, oh, I'm so busy.

I can't, I can't spend 10 minutes and write a list, but that list wouldn't save them three hours. That list is what you do at night before you go to bed or that morning while you're drinking your coffee. Again, you're multitasking. You're not just sitting there. You would see people drink coffee and smoke a cigarette and look out into the horizon. You don't sit on your balcony. No, I always wanted to see somebody just a bullet going through their head and they fall back with you. If you're sitting there, even the fucking like, I didn't listen.

I don't know nothing about nothing, dog. I don't know nothing about nothing, but I didn't do one thing. When I started doing comedy, I would wake up in the morning and I'd be angry and sometimes I'd be sad and sometimes I'd be, I'd be anxious. I don't know. This happened like in 1994. And one day I shopped a little notebook, I don't fucking know. And I woke up every morning and I wrote Tuesday, June 21st.

By this time, I wasn't even sharp enough to write. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I would say it to myself from time to time, but I didn't believe it, you know? And I would just write what I woke up with. Oh, my God, Lee, when you read that notebook a week later, you're just draining what's in there. Cut to two years later, I'm dating this chick and she's telling about the writer's way. And that's what they're supposed to do in the morning. I didn't cheat.

I didn't copy from them. I was doing this two years before I met this fucking bro. So you just write all the thoughts that were in your head from the night before? And those thoughts turn into your schedule. So how many thoughts you got? I want to fuck Paula. I got to take Philly to the cat. I got to do something about my mom and I got to do something about my dad, you know.

I got to do this, I got to do that. And then all of a sudden you write another line and go, okay, what time is it? And you're still drinking your coffee. You're still drinking your coffee. Now, you already should have the anchors for your day. You should have had an anchor in there written on Sunday. There's got to be something in there for Thursday when you open up that notebook that you wrote in there on Sunday. It's got to be an anchor.

What if you have nothing? What do you put down? You better put down fucking your doing this. You better put down fucking your doing to do something. What the fuck are you going to do? You better put something down. There's got to be something you can fucking do. So even if it's on an appointment, just do something.

I put 12 o'clock BJJ. Okay, got it. If there's nothing on that fucking list, I put 12 o'clock BJJ. And you put right one hour. You could do that. And look around your room. There's got to be something you can fucking do to fix your desk or to make yourself more efficient. If there's something, you give yourself something.

From nine to five, you never have the power to watch TV. That's for hammers. Eight to six, that's for fucking news. That's it. From eight to five, you better find something to fucking do. There's something everybody could do. How does this change when you're looking for a job? In which way?

Because you don't necessarily have a full nine to five schedule. But I know there's a lot of people out there who are looking for jobs and are frustrated. There's a lot of people who, whenever you hear the... How does this look when you find the job? Yeah. If I was 26, I'd be up at six in the fucking morning every morning. Okay. I'd be up at six in the morning.

Those websites, they work. But you got to take it a little deeper. Those guys get two million thousand resumes in the morning. They don't really have time to look at everybody. This is where people say, well, you need to have connections. No, you need to make connections. And how you make connections is by stopping being fucking lazy. See where the office is.

See where the HR office is. Everybody has an HR office. Every fucking big corporation that you want to work to has to have a... What do they call that? Human Resources. Human Resources office. I want to get down there. I want to know who makes the decisions.

And I ain't got time to email something. But they said don't come... I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck what they tell you. You want a fucking job, right? You're not supposed to come down here? No. My brother Joey Diaz told me that they were looking

and just come down and see somebody named Samantha. Who's Samantha? Right away you got conversation. Right away you got conversation. You just make up a name? Oh yeah, my friend Peter Patello told me to come down here and see Samantha. But wait a second, how did you find that?

I'm a college graduate. I've been looking for a job. You're just selling yourself back. You got one minute to talk. You're a dummy. You're not really a dummy. I don't care if you're a fucking... a chemist from Harvard. Right there you're playing a dummy. My friend Mike...

Mike Jesus told me he's a fucked up Jew. Just start talking. Start talking. My name is Samantha. I just want to drop this off. You mean Rebecca? Boom! Oh, I'm sorry. Let me put Rebecca on there. Guess who's getting a call tomorrow at 10 o'clock in the morning?

Rebecca. And fuck. There you go. There you go. What's the fucking big deal? I lose the lead. And then you're there. I swear to my mother's grave and to all the views that are watching. I'm a worthless piece of shit at the age of 25.

What I'm about to tell you people might even make me cry. I was a worthless piece of shit at the age of 25. I couldn't be trusted. I couldn't do nothing. But there was one thing I could do. It was get a job. Fake references. Names.

Guys, I can't do much. I'm telling you right now. If you listen to this podcast in the beginning, I was a plumber. Eight times I was an electrician. I was a hard carrier. I was a carpenters helper. I was a car salesman.

I worked at a body shop. I worked at a shoe store. I worked at Benegans. I was a fucking cook for two hours. I worked at gas stations. Do you understand me? I'm a fucking stiff. But what kept me alive was the ability

to walk into these motherfuckers' office and you got one minute to sell yourself. Did you just see what I just did looking for Samantha? Who's Samantha? The lady who hi is here. You mean Rebecca? Oh, there you go. I didn't even do nothing.

Do you do the thing where you don't answer their questions? Do you just keep talking? You're going to get in trouble. You're not going to keep talking. I mean, like a fucking moron. Sorry about that, people. You're not going to keep talking like a fucking moron. But you're going to keep talking that you're panicking.

A little panic. You're embarrassed. This is really embarrassing you. You were told something. And that's not the case. Oh my God. Oh my God, I am flabbergasted. Nicky Toludo told me to come here and give Samantha.

Who's Samantha? How do you know it's Rebecca? Okay, this is even after you know it's Rebecca. You drop another Samantha on her. And now she tells you the last name. You mean Samantha Cochran. Yeah. Okay. There you go.

Oh my God. You got a website info. You got an email on the website. Here you go. But if you don't do that, see, and now you're going, you're listening, going, Joey, that's not going to get you the job. Ten of those.

You got a better chance of just clicking that thing on the intellect. I worked for a pretty big production company. This guy just walked in around the office park one day with resumes and he got hired. Yeah. It turned out he was an idiot. Because we've forgotten well that idiot knows how to get a job. Right, he got a job.

You're at home fascinating over your degree and what your parents paid and the loans you took and you're feathering your asshole. You got to really think about what you're qualified for. Especially in today's economy. So you got to lower your standards a little bit and you got to do shit that they might not be able to do, Leigh.

Listen, I just told you this story about human resources from what I've heard. Yeah. You know, when I was going to places, you dealt with a manager. Okay, so Leigh Syac calls me and he says, listen, Joey, they're looking for my sister works at the Sheridan Center.

They're looking for bartenders for the front. No shit. Okay. What do you do, Leigh? What do I do? I go and I try to find a manager who's working. Probably during off hours.

So I can introduce myself and try to get a job. The manager, you got to go to HR. For bartender, I would probably go to, I would think manager. Go to manager first. Okay. Maybe become friends with the bartender. Maybe go work the bartender first.

Go and then get a soda because he could be the manager. Give a nice tip. No, just talk to him. How you doing? Can I ask you a question? Again, I just worked at fucking this place for eight years. I'm looking for a job. My friend, Nicky DeLuga.

Who's Nicky DeLuga? I have no idea. Doesn't really matter who he is. Nine out of ten times, people look at you and go, oh, yeah. I know Nick and you're sitting there going. Because they don't want to be embarrassed and forget somebody. So you don't have an idea. Just make up a name.

Pete Rose. Really? Oh my God. I love Pete. Listen, you guys are looking for part time. I love to work here. I'm really good with crowd. Whatever. Nah, listen, come back at 330. Boom, there you go. There you go. You give the guy the fin now.

When you walk in, he's like, oh, this guy worked at the Regency Hotel for six years. He knows backwards. How do you know? Because he came in here early. Looking for any tip. Looking to look how nice his shoes are shined. You're looking for a job. If you're looking for a job making eight dollars an hour, you don't have to shine your shoes.

But if you're looking for a job making over sixty thousand dollars, two hundred fifty thousand dollars, your shoes better get shined every time you leave the house. Because I'm a bum from the street and that's the first thing I look at. Really? You look at shoes. First thing I look at. If you don't have time to shine two pieces of fucking thing,

why would I want you working for me? And we've spoken about it before, but that's weird in this town. LA's like, you know, you never dress up for job interviews here. That's why you don't get the job. Right. Well, you know, I would agree with you mostly,

but in LA, I've been to places where people like laugh at people who dress up here. You have to half dress. You have to half ass dress. Okay, you're not going to wear a suit with a fucking tie to, you know,

but a light jacket with a shirt that's open and shiny shoes with a belt that matches the shoes, just something to let them know, you know, you can't get a ten thousand dollar check

with a ten dollar presentation. Did you see that special we shot? First of all, the special, my material sucked, my timing sucked, but the first thing that sucked was what our male Larry said, the wardrobe. I look like a bum from the street.

Now, in my personal life, I like to look like a bum from the street. I don't want people to get confused. I'm not that guy. I'm not going to put on a Versace suit and walk around to make you feel bad. Okay, I am who the fuck I am. You know how many pairs of new Adidas

I got in my fucking closet? Up in this top shelf? Brand new in a box I get from Amazon. Look at the ones I got on. Oh, dear. Okay. My socks are clean, my shorts are brand new, the t-shirts I just bought at the Fat Man store.

But do you understand, I don't ever want to give people illusions, and I don't need to dress in a fucking polyester suit or whatever. I got suits, I got shirts. But when you go for a job, okay, last fucking Monday. I went to meet with these guys. I know these guys.

I went to meet them at Arts. Okay. You know what I had on? What do you have on? A pair of jeans, a little hole in the back pocket, a t-shirt with these sturdy sneakers. Do you know what, I was supposed to leave the house at fucking 9, 10, at 9, 15. I was putting on iron jeans

with a nice shirt I just got and brand new Adidas. I put my rings on, I put my chain on, I put my head down there. You know what? I'm doing that show tomorrow night and then I got a meeting with them next Tuesday. Because if you don't feel good,

and guys, I didn't know this till later on either. But if you don't feel good, you're not gonna fucking... Yeah, how different did you feel from the whole jeans? I had the confidence of a thousand. I went there looking like Charles Bronson.

I'm gonna go to that dress like Charles Bronson. Why? You want my Charles Bronson? No. You gotta dress nice. You gotta dress like fucking bummed. You dress a little better than them and you gotta dress them. If your sneakers are white and clean, if your pants are ironed,

if you don't have a stain, I had a stain on my shirt tonight on the special. A stain on my shirt. Do you know what that's like? Just take that film and burn it. I mean, a film, those guys ain't never gonna send it back. It's been eight months. They won't clean it up

and send it back to you in a month. I knew how to get a job. Even today, when I go to audition for a movie, I'm not better than half these guys. Look at my face. Look like a fucking bus headed. But when I walk in there, Jack, I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. I know my lines.

I've done it 18 times where I walk around. I know exactly how I would answer the door how I would turn the light bulb off, what a hand that would do it with. That shows me prepared, man. Did I fucking know this at 22? I knew half of it.

I knew half of it. How long did it take for the rest of the half to come in? 20 years. I have to give you credit, man. I brought donuts to an appointment I had yesterday. And it fucking... Okay, so... It fucking blew the room up.

Okay, so you could have been a real douchebag. I mean, listen. I think I mentioned it last week. With the convertible. I see a convertible being dubby. I see a fucking douchebag. I see a nice guy. Okay.

Now, I'm against this too, guys. In fact, next week when I come back, I gotta really take care of it. Living in that fucking thing over there with those trees destroys my car. I can't wash my car enough. Then I get in there with the karate fucking... Listen, I... I always take my pants off in the underwear

and I dry and I wipe my ass. That's how fucking particular I am about that. I never go in that fucking thing with rotten ass. Yesterday... It was so hot that I actually went in there. My t-shirt was still wet. It was a brand new t-shirt. It was amazing.

So today I took it to get clean. Then I washed it and I hand washed it and the whole thing. And I'm looking at the fucking car and I'm like, how many fucking birds are shit in this thing? You know? That's it. I gotta turn it anyway. My wife's gotta turn hers in. My wife's gonna fucking kill me with that lease. So...

It doesn't really matter. But the point of the situation is... You have a nice car. Yeah. Tell them what you drive. Some people are sitting there going, VW, fuck you, Lee. It's a cheap car.

They fuck you. That car sparkles. So here's Lee pulling up with his little VW. Now, Lee could have been in there. So, Lee could have been... Fucking fake fuck. You could have gone and got lattes from...

From Starbucks. Because I love this tea from Africa. And you know what? It's funny. Someone when I went in asked me, are those from Sprinkles? Like the cupcake place that's $20 for four? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck you in Sprinkles.

These are handmade from some badass Mexican mother fuckers that don't fuck around. It's amazing. But you know what, Lee? You set your mark and you enforced it. You went in there with the donuts. You believed that were good. You had your sooner. You walked in there with confidence.

It was just a couple things that gave you that confidence. Listen, just because you don't have confidence or you don't think you have confidence, there's things you could do that get you so excited that the confidence comes naturally. Did you notice that yesterday? Oh, yeah. As soon as they got excited.

There you go. When I say I don't have any confidence, I'm misspeaking. I think if you listened to episode number one of this, that would be more Nobody has confidence. It seems like you do. When I was a kid, I was a half a faggot.

I hit in the head with a lunchbox and changed me for who I am. PTSD in full effect, you know what I'm saying? If anybody got PTSD, that lunchbox hit me and changed me forever. I started eating meat and shit and chicken delivered before I was a half a fucked up kid. My dad died.

But confidence sometimes is a new pair of shoes. Yeah. Is your shirt ironed? Is your hair trimmed? My fucking fingers are fucking disgusting.

Next week, we're both going for fucking manicures. I can't finger band confidently. I looked at my fingers about two weeks ago. I'm like, who would let me finger these? I don't have the Mickey Rourke fingers. The fingers are dead. Have you ever seen Mickey Rourke's fingernails? No.

He's got what I got on my toe on his fingernail. He's got fungi nail on his toes, on his hands. That's not good. I have just fucking fingernails. I've had chlamydia on these fingernails. This finger nail had the herb. This one had each one of the different

Oh please. These faggot hands are disgusting. I looked at them the other day and my hands are still soft. I don't want them in shit. But look at these. You can't get a nice job with dirty fingers. My fingers are not dirty people. My cuticles are out. They're not, what do you call that?

When you polish them, whatever. When you put the fucking thing on them, you file them. I don't know what that means. Did anyone else know what that means? Listen, you want a job making $600,000. You can't walk in there with dirty fucking hands.

There's little things that different people look at. There's nothing that grosses me up more than finger nails. You finger everybody has their own private hideout. Why take the chance? If let's pretend I don't give a fuck of your shoes or clown shoes. But your hands better be sharp.

I had a friend tell me that he wouldn't hire anybody unless they had a watch. How's that one for you? That's fucked up. I don't care where a watch. He was a fucking general manager of an accounting firm in Jersey. I knew this guy forever. Talked to him about eight years ago. He moved the fucking then.

But he told me at every fucking every one of his employees lasted over 20 years because he always made sure they had a watch. If somebody came into an interview without a watch, he would not hire him. How fucking

that's racism. That's prejudism you don't even know. I've never had watches. I just can't put them on. I was looking at a watch I had the other day. I don't know how many little things when you're trying to look for a job. But guess what, Leigh?

Anything beats sitting there and pressing that button and really thinking that somebody's gonna contact you. Now, a lot of people at home going, Joey, you're completely wrong. I got a job offline. I didn't say that.

I'm just saying I'm up in your eyes a little bit. If I see a fucking job that I really won't you get excited about it? Oh my god. When I was a kid, I'd look at that paper every day. I was one of those people that had a job and after about a week I'm like

there's gotta be something better. Maybe I'll be a drywaller. And I would quit this and I would get an apprenticeship with a drywall company 30 days, 8 bucks an hour after that you go up to 12. You know, I knew how to fucking wrap these people because people always want to teach.

Okay? So that's how I would always get a job in construction. Because people like teaching their craft? I set them up. How you doing Lisa? I had Joey Deans. Listen, I really want to be I'm looking for the job as a hard carry.

Have you ever been a hard carry before? Not really. But my father's uncle was a hard carry. He told me what I had to do. I had to mix sand 16 scoops into each bag of concrete. I gotta have your brick ready for you. Why do you want to be a hardy Lee? You're going to school. You know what?

I really don't want to go to school. I like brick. I've always been interested in brick. Everybody says you're the best brick mason. So let's make a deal. Let's do this. Instead of paying me 10, pay me 8 and teach me your course. Teach me what you know.

8 out of 10 people are high because you just paid them a tremendous compliment. You told them they were the best and you wanted to learn from them. How many people are going to hire you? Even if you've never heard about this guy before. And even if they don't hire you, maybe they'll tell someone else.

That's a big thing. People say connections. I think it's just you meet people. Guys, I was in San Francisco. I had no fucking. I walked into a biggest Mexican restaurant looking for a bartender job. The guy gave it to another guy.

He took me aside. My name is Jose Diaz and I'm Cuban too. Wait a couple weeks. I'll give you a job. I'll get your job right now. Right now, go to Rockin' Robbins on Haydash Berry. Pull my fucking job. You know what time I walked into that place that morning? What time?

7.59. I knew it opened at 11. But in those days, it didn't matter if the fucking place opened at 11 or 12. I made myself leave the house at 7.30. That's all. The other part of leaving and getting a job. There are so many fucking aspects

that you have to do. And that's the number one. I'm fucking any list that you see. You either gotta A, B up early and get a jump on the morning, or B, get the fuck out of the house. Both of those are the most important thing in your fucking day.

In U.S. Trump, U.S. anybody who's made fortunes in this fucking nobody sleeps past fucking 6. They want to be up, they want to be alive, they want to be kicking. Not only that, you want to be moving. At 8 o'clock, you do a fucking history question and I expect you to fucking

say the whole thing, bound per bound 1696. That's how clearheaded you are. Because even if you're not, you have to make yourself deadly. So it has nothing to do with them or the other people being there first. You just, for you, you want to be

at attention, as you say, right away. It's all the whole thing. You don't have confidence, get up at 6. You'll have confidence. You'll have confidence because you'll talk yourself into the confidence by the time you walk into the guy's fucking office at 10 o'clock to ask him for a job

or her for a job. Everything, man. Everything is based on enthusiasm. I could tell when I'm enthusiastic about a set, or I could tell when you saw at the comedy store last Tuesday when I died, that I didn't want to be there. I was half dead. On Tuesdays,

I'm still fucking dead. And you can't psych yourself up into it? Sometimes you can. You know what I mean? Nine and a half out of ten times, I psych myself up to go into the mouth of the fucking deline. I don't give a fuck. But that was that one percentage that night.

And then, for those people who don't want to get out of bed or whatever, it's tough then. It's even harder. Listen, there's a big, there's a word that I always have in the back of my mind. You know, you grow up

I have a daughter. I look at my daughter. I see that girl from Marie T.C. She's sixteen, whatever the fuck she is. Not the best looking kid in the world. But a hard to go. She was goofing with us the other day. My wife made a fucking remark, because that's how my wife is

and Becky giggled, whatever. I didn't think it was funny, because I thought of her as my daughter. Anyway, I go over to Jitsu there. She is again. She's the fucking waitress over there. These are these kids that are fucking working, you know? I'm so high, I forgot my point, Lisa.

The waitress at Marie T.C.? No, I know. I know, like, you know. Oh, not wanting to get out of bed? Not wanting to get out of bed. Now you see a kid like this. This kid, sixteen, seventeen, she got two fucking jobs. She knows the way of the world. I don't know what her parents do, but the parents are preparing her. And they made her take a bus.

I saw her get off the Magnolia bus. Okay, that means she goes right from Marie T.C. Straight to fucking victory in Magnolia. You know what I'm saying? On the way to Flappers? Right, yeah. That's the education of a lifetime for that child. That child's going to be independent.

Do I have the balls to do that with Mercy? Not in a million fucking years. I think she'll have a job at fifteen, sixteen. Listen, no, no. You're not getting the point. Okay. Do I have the fucking, do I want to be on victory and get out into my car and see Mercy getting out of a fucking

bus at fifteen, sixteen? Right. Not in a million years, but guess what? For her to succeed in this life, she has to do those little things at that age. That gives college a better taste. That gives so many fucking things a better taste. You know, like it tastes a lot better if you have

your own money at that time. I was a machievous kid, but I was moving around at sixteen, Jack. And when I mean moving around, I was moving around. I was taking buses into the city. I was going on the bus with Greg Horrenda, the five-star basketball camp. You know, in the eighth grade. In the eighth

grade, we took a bus to see the New Jersey Nets in Piscataway. We had to take a bus to New York first. They had a connecting bus to fucking Piscataway. I knew my way around there. When I was a sophomore in high school, when I was a freshman in high school, we'd all take buses down the shore.

Sixteen of us. I knew how to get my way around, you know. I want my daughter to have the same. Tonight, she was threatening to leave. So she took my computer bag. Yeah, she took my computer bag. She filled it up with t-shirts.

I asked her if she had tickets. I gave her a dollar bill. And when I left, she was sitting waiting for the bus on the balcony with my wife. My wife actually got depressed. I'm like, she's fucking it. It's a game, Terry. I ran away a thousand times.

She was running away. She had no food. Who's picking you up? She made up some name, Kristen's picking me up. Okay. My cousin, Kristen's picking up. But you are... I don't understand what I'm seeing more and more. What I hear more and more. Hey, listen.

The other thing is, there's not that many jobs, guys. No, especially because you said lowering your... There's people who are taking lower jobs. There's a lot of kids that come out of college and they're very sharp. I don't know what the percentage is that they already have built

dot-com companies coming out of college or whatever. They figured out a way to make a living. There's a lot of people that have to get a job first to figure out what the fuck they want to do. Because just because you get a job to be a fucking editor, don't mean you want to be an editor when you got out. It's the same way. You're still editing

and stuff and you're still very good at it. But it's different than what you thought or whatever. It doesn't matter. Right. And I thought I knew what I wanted to do. I thought I did. It turned out not to be the case. How many fucking kids do you think that happens? I think it happens to a lot

of kids who had like, they just quit. If I hadn't met you, I probably would be editing and I'd be happy ish. But it's... I think a lot of people who would go and just abandon what they went and got

their major in. There's people now who went to law school who aren't going to be lawyers, Paul says. They'll be like a professor or something else, which is great for them, I guess, but I can't imagine putting all of that work and time and money

and just abandoning it. So wait a second. You could go to law school, not take the bar. I just learned all that information. Yeah, you have a degree, but you don't have to get registered as a lawyer. I never fucking knew that.

You should go. I mean, I like to agree all the time, but you know, there's a lot of people who do that, apparently. It would take me six years to get my law degree. And by that time, I'm 59. I can't be a constantly leading through a crime family. Why not? There's an age limit?

Well, by that time, you're out of the fucking system, you know what I'm saying? You don't know what the fuck's going on, so I don't know what to fuck to tell you. These stars are all right, but the reef is better. Let me give some shot outs here. Unbelievable. Tuesday night, we're here, we're hanging out, Lisa Yat.

Just regular conversation, two guys. You know, I love to be filled in on what goes on. I don't know what goes on, and I know that. You know, I know those are my strengths. It's getting a fucking job. I've always been able to fucking put one together doing something. Bruce McKenna, Anthony Kelly, Ben Grimes,

Eric Portwood, Ryan Jacobs, Brendon Baham, Matt Moe, and as always, my main man, Dave Christensen. Him and Pugsley up in North Carolina,

Canada. No. What were you saying? I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. Oh, no, that's just the guy you give the shout out to. I think my lack of confidence though, it will go in different ways. Like, when I went

to college, it freaked me out that people would knock on your door. I don't like that. I'm not a very social person. I don't know. I don't know, man. How many people knock on my door? You don't like it either?

Sometimes I don't even move. I just sit there. It depends. It depends what point of your life you're in. I don't like friends. I don't like friends dropping by. I don't know. You said, told me a couple of months ago that you noticed that I

live alone and it's true. It's absolutely true. I... It's not that I don't like people, but I... You pay the premium to have your space. Some people have... Listen, some people, when you're young,

you're 20, you're like, yeah, sure. What the fuck? I'll live with leave for fucking 82, 50 a month and Joey, and also you ain't gonna take a shit. And there's three fucking shits in there before you. Nobody's flushed the toilet. The shower's a mess. You go get that steak sandwich you brought home.

It's gone. The kitchen's got mice in it. The living room has beer can. You know. Everybody establishes that one relationship. We've all had it and you last either a week or a year. I think I lasted like two fucking weeks. Then I had a decent roommate

for a while. There was always kitchen was clean. That was great. I could have still been living with him because we laughed our asses off every night. And we smoked dope and we both watched the same stupid movies and at the end I had a girlfriend that come. He'd go into one room. At that time I didn't have a girlfriend.

I'd go into the other room, listen to them fucking like the bang went out and I'd go to sleep. That's it. But then there's... But if it wasn't him, I couldn't have somebody else. I know how I am. I know the type of person I am.

Even my wife creeps up on me. From time to time it drives me fucking crazy. But my issue isn't really with... Sometimes with that. I still do something that's really... I don't think I've ever told anyone.

If I leave a room and I close the door, I sit there and I'm like, what are they gonna say about me? That's always my mentality. Keeping the house by yourself? This is happening by yourself. What's going on with you? I wake up this morning with sprinklers on your face.

Are you fucking losing it over here? These stars killing you. You need another star anyway. Are they killing you? Let me get you another one. Let me get you another one. What did I have? Seven? That's fucking mad.

I'm out of your hand. You're the master of disaster, Lisa. You're the master of disaster, Lisa. There you go. No, don't do it. That house alone. Hmm? Like, if I leave a room with people in it. A room with people?

Yeah. Like, if I leave cattle bells. Okay. I'll wait outside the door. I just close the door and I expect to hear them saying, like, he was terrible. He's the worst. I hate him. I don't know what it is. My brain's crazy. I'm really...

Well, I think they say that naturally anyway. And I'm like, oh, these people fucking don't like me. But who gives a fuck? That's not the confidence thing. That's just... Maybe an insecurity thing, which I have also. I know exactly how it feels to walk around. I just don't put my ear to the door and go, are they saying something?

I don't put my ear, but I'll sit there for, like, 10 seconds. She'll be like, hmm. Okay, no. Okay. Wow. You're a young man. You work hard. You're not cheap. You're not a criminal by any means.

You know. I mean, you know fucking Clark Gable. You know, what's the guy who crashed the Fast and the Furious? Oh, um... I mean, you know Paul Walker. Paul Walker, yeah. You know Elvis Presley. But you're a handsome little fellow.

Thank you, sir. A girl called me cute in my building today. That's right. You're a little cute little fucking little dude. So... You have no reason to not be confident. You know, even if you had one eye, you got to be confident. Have you ever seen anybody

that you look at and they have, like, something physical, like myself with the scars or you see another girl, like, with the red thing on their eyes, the pink on their eyes, or you see somebody who's maybe missing a few fingers.

Have you ever seen that confidence? Bro, I live next to a girl with no legs. And she... Our elevator went out for a couple weeks. They put her in a hotel, but I saw her one day when she came back. She pushed herself up three flights of stairs. She's amazing.

And the confidence, when she walks up to you... Yeah. Uh... Shoulders up, shoulders back. You don't know. You can't really believe that she's doing that.

You can't really believe that she has that confidence with what is going on in her life. I've always looked at those people and said, why is that beautiful girl able to walk around with that scar on her face with it, like, if it's not on their face?

And that's the beauty. I hate when I see somebody who's overweight that you can see is fucking dead. Like, they're sad inside. You ever see them? They come down to, like, fucking mopes. You know, they're stuck. They're going home at night and they can't stop eating

ramen. Or they can't stop eating something that's really unhealthy for them, you know? It goes back to the clothing thing. When you're that big and all you're wearing is gym shorts and t-shirts, you're like, oh my god. It's just a horrible feeling.

And then the dawn on you, you know, like we talked about change, like with the comedy. Change is the toughest fucking thing because we think that we might get on to something. You know, if I go to the gym once a week, I don't know.

What do you think? Oh, well, maybe you might meet somebody and I just don't know. I'm talking about what could happen from, you know, but that's how it starts. And all of a sudden you go there and you can't believe that this thing changed you in a way, like comedy changed me.

It took 25 fucking years. It took 15 years, but it changed me. It got me married. It got my life back together. It got me another chance of being a dad. You know, comedy did all that. I stuck it out with it. You got to stick it out with shit.

You know, you, everybody, it doesn't come like just like that. It comes over time. And it gets hard. And there's rallies, whatever the fuck. But you go through them

and that's what all of a sudden you're there. You've arrived where you wanted to be, but I wish it happened. Listen, I wish we had millions of fucking downloads. People in India listen to us, you know, whatever the fuck it is.

But you know what, that's not the way it is. And I'm not angry at all. I'm very fortunate for people listen to us. I knew this going in, but we stuck with it. You know, I got a call from two people yesterday. Hey, I want you to come on my new podcast. New podcast. How many fucking podcasts do you got?

Everybody's got a new fucking podcast. A few weeks. It's tough, yeah. And it's like, Lee and I have banged it out over whatever time. Listen to that. I almost didn't do this podcast. Really? At 5.30, I wasn't feeling it. I don't think you've ever once done that.

It's almost 400 episodes. Maybe that. I didn't feel good this morning. Last night was only the weirdest nights I've had in a long fucking time. In what way? It was hot yesterday, guys. Real hot.

You know, the daytime I moved around a lot. And there was a period there where I couldn't stop sweating. Like I was outside and stuff. I went in, I took a shower, cold water, put new clothes on, bam. That was fine. Then I went into the bathroom.

And oh my god, Lee, I thought I was going to die in a sauna. Oh, because the bathroom was so hot? I wasn't going to take a dump. I didn't want to say that, but I'm in there fucking six, seven minutes. I'm like, Jesus. I don't like opening up the door. The door is three. So,

then I go outside to do a joint thing. A periscope. I mean, it's blazing out there, guys. Your phone almost melted. So, I go inside, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. My wife goes to bed first. She pops out a lot of way.

Then she says, I can't sleep in there. It's just too warm. And I'm like, let me go in there and reach. I gotta share enough to win those three inches up. I close that. I close the curtains. I point the fucking things towards the bed. I pour the blanket down. I pour the fucking blanket down.

There's no blanket tonight. It's going to be a sheet. I'm just going to sleep in the baby's room. Done. I went in there and I hit the crib with a bottle of fucking a quarter to eleven jack. Bam. Don't even remember falling asleep. I wake up around three. And I walk and it's not hot.

But it's not quite cold yet. It's cool. Nobody's sweating. But it's not what I'm used to. You know what I'm saying? Not three in the morning. So, I go out like pee. No matter what, I just don't feel right. Not like I'm going to faint or not.

Like I'm going to die or something. I try to tap into the cats. They're sleeping. I told them it was the cats. The cats were out there hearing at each other. They're fucking sleeping. So, I'm like, what is this fucking weird feeling out here? So, I finally put the robe on.

I went outside. I drank some water. After a few minutes, I went outside. I smoked a few bowls. It had to be three thirty in the morning. I'm out there coughing, sparking like a savage. I go back in. I turn the TV on. Don't ask me what was on.

Dog, I go back in there and fall in the morning. It's freezing. The air conditioner was a full blast. I know how to maneuver the air conditioner. My wife don't know how to fuck around with it. There's ways to do different things. I've been working air conditioners all my life. Yeah, that's why I need the central air.

I slept straight till seven thirty and got up. Had a smoothie, walked her. Did a few things and I just couldn't take it no more. I was tired, man. I just didn't feel good. Hit the crib, got up, did some few things again. Went back and actually fall asleep again. To a full forty-five.

So, something's going on. Either I'm sick or something's not right. I had a little rash the other day. Maybe it's ringworm. What the fuck was this? I don't even know what to tell you. That's fucked up. So, I was tired.

The point being that I got up, I had no appetite. I went outside. I smoked a little bit. Then I had a little appetite. I ate. After that, I said, you know what, I can't. Because tomorrow, there's no way I can't fit in. I'm from coast to coast.

My day starts tomorrow at fucking nine thirty, Jack. I got some stupid conference call on the chain. Jiu-Jitsu, drone. Boom, come back. I got a fucking head cut. Then from there, I had to cancel the fucking dinner. So, I'm going to go see a thing at six. It was six to seven.

I'm going to shoot to the improv and do the living room show. At the fucking... Where they don't serve booze. The lab. I've never been there. What the fuck? Where you been? I've been there for a while. You never went there to see this is not happening taping?

By the time I got to see this is not happening. It was in the big room. So, that's what I got to do. So, I have no time. Then tomorrow night, Philly, here I come. Rose pork, maybe?

A rose pork sandwich, no? I don't know. I don't know what I'm... You got a plan, man. I don't know what's on my neighborhood. I don't know what hotel I'm going to stay at. I'm not worried about it. I'm really not worried about it. I don't want no broth.

Would you eat rose pork if you got five sold out shows? Why take the chance? You need the energy. No, the pork ain't going to give me no energy. What if that pork is rotten and I can't do those five shows? Do you follow what I'm saying to you? There's no fish the first night.

There's none of that. You eat very lean the first night. I'll make a protein shake. I'll make my wife make chicken collards. I'll take a few chicken collards with me. I'll drink some water at the hotel just to get my materials going for the fucking area. You pack chicken collards?

Sometimes for the flight. You got to pull out a chicken collard from time to time to throw people off. No, that sucks. You can't put ketchup on it. You can't bring ketchup on it. They really think you're fucking crazy. Yeah, tomorrow night, we'll make chicken collards with mashed potatoes.

I'll make a few for breakfast. Bring two on the plane with me. I want to be around. Oh, yeah. I'm a chicken collard type of motherfucker. They always brighten my day. Now, that gives me confidence. A nice chicken collard, cold.

You put some salt and pepper on it. A little ketchup and just eat it walking around. Nobody knows what's going on. Ketchup? Oh, my God. And you smear it with the fork in a way. You want to go, you fucking... That can't be allowed.

For all the rules you have, you can't be smearing ketchup on chicken. Tremendous. It's a light smear. I don't dope it up. That's too much sugar. You just give it a light smear just to throw the chicken off. For years, you've been eating that shit mixed with mayonnaise and Burger King

and all those other places. I don't mix the mayonnaise with the ketchup. The ketchup goes straight on the fucking... Even when I do make the mayonnaise sandwich. I put mayonnaise and I saved the ketchup. You never mix mayonnaise and ketchup. That's McDonald's and all those fucking

chains. That's how you make the meat sauce. You didn't know that? Why can't you mix it, though? Because that's for animals. You don't want to mix mayonnaise and ketchup and put it on your cheeseburger. I told you that I was putting mayonnaise on my burger

and I told my mom and both of you yelled at me. Oh, yeah, because you're a savage. You're poisoning your dad. He's probably coming with his canteen. He's ready to go down and shit. No one got poisoned. Nobody puts mayonnaise on their burgers. They do the Wendy's.

Because they're fucking idiots. Who would eat a burger or fucking Wendy's and get sick? You would. I know. I've never once gotten... Yes, you do. You don't know it. You don't fucking know what happens. Those things sitting in your stomach and they start eating away your bacteria

and little by little you got little pebbles down there and shit and then you got to shave your head and walk around and hang out with weird people. Keep it up. Those days are over with me. You're a new fucking man. You're throwing kettle bells. You're looking good. You got a little sun to you.

I'm still burning from like a month ago. I know. You got to go out. That's when you went on the fucking ferris wheel, right? No, no. It's when I went to the beach. Oh, that's right. You went to the beach, too. You had time to be at the beach. Johnny Muscle's over here. What beach did you go to?

Point and Doom. What kind of bikinis did you put on? A regular, just a long bathing suit. A long one. If I get down to like 150, I am going to wear a speedo. Did you put suntan lotion on? Every hour. Before we left, I put it on when we got there

and then every hour. You jumped in the water? I did at one point. I didn't dunk my head. You got to jump in the water. I'm not mad at you because you jumped in the water. I don't even know what mosquito bay is. I just know what the other one is.

Point Doom. We ate eight stars tonight. That's Point Doom. Some beach could suck my dick. You want a Point Doom coming over? There's eight fucking stars. Take a chance, Columbus did bitch. What's up, Lisa?

What have you got planned this weekend with the old man? I think we would go get a steak and then we'd like to go on a cigar. I'm just like, place where we could sit and let the chair and smoke a cigar. You want a steak? What are you taking for a steak? I don't know, maybe Morton's.

I don't know where, but I just know that's on the approved joint. I'm not taking for lunch, 22. That's a good idea. You get to get the dessert, you get a little potato, you get a little fucking salad and you get a little box.

Right over on. That's the lunch special. The power of the lunch special? Tomorrow, you're going to go over to fucking Perennial. You're going to sign up. You're going to tell them my sense. You're going to go in the back

and you're going to pay a little extra. But think how many fucking edibles we get dropped on this. Every once in a while you got to give a little back. You go over there to Perennial and you go to that fucking place and get cushy marks. Okay.

Just drop a yardstick tomorrow on cushy marks. That'll last you all five days. The fucking 200s killed us. Right, yeah. And they have the 50s. So you could buy a couple for him and put another yardstick and let him take something to go. We'll mail them.

We'll get the fucking, we'll get the mule on it. They're good players. So you might as well go to the cushy mark outside of it. Fuck the white chalk. That's 35 for 500 milligram. Oh, no, no, no. Cushy mark. Go over to the Sunset Herbal.

Tell them Uncle Joey sent you. Bam, get yourself a fucking cushy thing. The 200 milligram. It tastes like fucking dick. But it takes you to the next level. I ain't going to lie to nobody. And then they have the other sizes. And the other sizes taste good.

They're fruitier. They're good in training. Don't let me find them. I'll make them go on the computer. Look at the record. Yeah, I got the girls on the record over there. But you need to get the fruity ones for your dad.

They got 50s and 25s. Get them achieved but you, you know, spend a yard or two. Well, you're not doing all that money. What happens if you, if I hit you in the head tomorrow with a chair, you die. You're going to leave all those millions with the one and a half of DuPont.

Stop. Leave all those millions you got. Wolfgang Puck. Wolfgang Puck, that fucking Nazi. That fuck. I'm tired guys. I don't know what to tell you guys. I'm just trying to rest up

before Philadelphia. How cool is Philly going to be? But there's 250 animals per show. These people are fucking animals. I love them. I love them with all my heart. Philly's great. But it's 50 minutes of duking it out.

You're throwing fucking punches, my friend. It's a struggle. Five days. It's a real city. It's a real city. You can't go up there and throw no okido jokes and shit. It's a big deal. I mean, this is the first time that you've sold out like a week

before in advance. Philadelphia's a great city, man. I grew up in fucking Philadelphia. They know the deal. They feel it in my fucking heart and don't take much. They hear me. They fucking hear me. I'm one of their uncles.

Everybody in their family in Philadelphia got a crazy uncle like me. I don't do anything in the world. He's just a little fucking crazy. You don't have a crazy uncle? You. No, my family's pretty white. They're pretty fucking straight?

Yeah. Let's smoke some more reef and then we'll let your motherfuckers go home to your own thing tonight. Tonight was just a mild little podcast. Two guys just talking. Talking about what's going on in life, what's affecting him, what's affecting me.

I'm getting old, man. You, uh... My fucking right eye is done. It's done. It's done. I keep catching myself on the left side that's... I'm having a hard time reading the TV from far away, the whole fucking thing.

So, yeah, I'm not sweating it. Let's go, hey, you do coke for 27 years. Shit's gonna break apart, you know what I'm saying? Can you get lacy or something? I don't know. I always say it doesn't work. I don't fucking know what's going on. My dad got it. He said he likes it. You know, you're supposed to smoke reefer.

They say if you smoke reefer, you have 20 vision. That shit ain't working for me, you know what I'm saying? I've never read that. Yeah, I've heard that for years. Nobody's allowed to call me. Everybody else fucking walking around with fucking binoculars and their eyeballs. Me, I can't see out of my right fucking eye.

So, I don't get it, Lee. You got those sheets from you, my brother? Nice, nice conversation you brought up tonight. I know you got a lot of questions. You're a man with a lot of questions. Yes, I am. And that's what I fucking love about you. You understand me?

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off your entire order like I said you'll never lose anything again alright. Again that's the tracker.com promo code church C-H-U-R-C-H Lee don't sit there so enthusiastic cock suckers you know what I'm saying

again we were talking about confidence and what people need to do and what people need not to do. Let me tell you something where confidence really starts with your fucking underwear sometimes you know what I got sweaty underwear and I feel fucking dirty you go out and talk to people you switch in the dirt

you don't wash your ass you put the same underwear on that's disgusting okay and that stuff it just wears and tears your underwear when you wear the same underwear yeah you save on laundry detergent but you're blowing out that fucking back section with the smell of your ass and funguses and God knows what you got

back there I'll even tell you what I got back there but anyway whether you're wearing a suit of sweats you spend 24 hours a day in your underwear but instead of making a statement like Superman's tights under the everyday clothes your underwear is probably you know boring well guess what

me on these is here to change that every pair me on these is made from substantially sourced mowdall a fabric that's twice as soft as cotton again mowdall is pronounced mowdall nothing can describe

the fit of me on these but once you try them you'll understand why they call the world's most comfortable underwear and even if you don't love your first pair me on these they're free no questions asked me on these has dozens of styles and limited edition prints to

help you make statement with your underwear whether anyone can see them or not remember Superman all right listen me on these are comfortable as fuck I wear them under every G I wear them to jiu-jitsu I wear them when I swing cattle bells you know why it keeps everything

dry trust me when I tell you this so do me a favor as part of my little deal with you guys shipping is free in the U.S. and Canada and you save up to $20 a pair with the me ups me on these subscription plan how about that get the subscription or a

single pair and get 20% off your first order when you go to me on these dot com slash Joey that's me on these dot com slash Joey for 20% off your first order again me on these dot com slash Joey thank you for listening again

on it club W tracker and me on these that's all I got to tell you motherfuckers like I said I'm having surgery and after that the little mini tour starts so I'm gonna be in all these places July 21st flappers

which is the back room it only seats 50 if you want to come out it's a nice little time you see me doing the special from the beginning and working August 4th the flappers August 31st at the ice house September 8th the flappers September 28th at the ice house

October 4th at the comedy store and October 11th at the comedy store so take a chance Columbus did bitches come on out Lisa yeah thank you very much for another fun fill week you're always a gentleman and a pleasure to work with thank you sir

and I hope you have a good time on Philly absolutely it's gonna be fucking great they're gonna miss you and shit you know you go over and eat yourself to death oh yeah next time I'm not gonna let that happen this show was brought to you by me on these go to me on these.com

slash joey right now and save 20% off of your first order and shipping is free in the united states and canada and with the me on these subscription plan you can save up to 8 dollars a pair that's me on these.com

slash joey right now me on these.com slash joey this show was also brought to you by tracker never lose anything you go with tracker go to tracker.com and use promo code church to save 30% off of your entire order

that's the tracker.com promo code church to save 30% off of your entire order this show was also brought to you by clubw go to clubw.com slash joey right now to get 20 dollars off of your first order they're also offering our listeners

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shroom tech and shroom tech sport and the twilight is gone ah and no song birds are singing ah when the twilight is gone

ah you come into my heart ah and here in my heart you will stay while I pray my prayer

is to linger with you at the end of the day in a dream that's divine my prayer is a rapture in blue

with the world far away and your lips close to mine ooh to know what our love

oh tell me the words that I'm longing to know my prayer and the answer you give may they still be the same

for as long as we live that you'll always be there at the end of my prayer