Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #393 - Jimmy Shubert

Episode Date: June 30, 2016

Jimmy Shubert, comedian and actor seen on "Last Comic Standing" and "The King Of Queens", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Datsusara: Go to DSgear.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles. Use code Joey to get 5% off of your order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 06/29/2016

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products. They have strong bone, streumtech immune, streumtech sport, and the famous alpha brain. It's onit.com. Use codeword church. There you go. Oh, shit. Kick that fucking mule, Lee. I want you to break the fucking speakers.

I want to have to go to a doctor. What is this, Lee? What am I, 10? Kick this shit. This ain't no Disney channel. Let's go. Get the people excited. Talk, sucker.

There you go, motherfuckers. Drop it. Lead sciatica. Jimmy Schubert. Joey Diaz. It's a Wednesday. It's a Wednesday. It's a Wednesday.

It's a Wednesday. It's a Wednesday. It's a Wednesday. It's a Wednesday. It's a Wednesday. It's a Wednesday. It's a Wednesday. It's a Wednesday night, motherfucker.

Ugh. Let's do this. Talk, sucker. Lick it, flick it. Sticken it. Oh, shit. Hahaha. It's Wednesday night.

You fucking boops. Let's put this fucking night together. Hah. Kick that mule, Lee. Kick that fucking mule. Let's do this shit. The SOS band is with black people. Black people.

They didn't give a fuck about Oscars. You know what I'm saying? They were just making music playing trumpets. That's it. How's typing in here? There you go. That's it! And that tops up the day! Tell me I am crazy

That I'm wasting time with you Oh shit Wednesday, June 29 The last Not the way I see it Oh shit Cause I feel you already mine Whenever you with me

Von hits the 12-cocks left his I was electrocuted myself here I kick the lead What's happening you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joe here the church of what's happening now you fucking savages out there getting ready For the 4th of July weekend and shit flags hot dogs Fat fucking people with tattoos on their cabs They always got sure to show you the tattoo on the cap

Yeah, well why else I give a fuck about that tax that tattoo on your the pattern on your calf I don't even know what's going on with Chinese people usually this time of the year You see somebody Chinese. They look at you a little weird. You know I'm saying cuz they got the goods That don't happen no more. We were kids. Where'd you get firecrackers in Philly in the Pollocks? No, you got to get you had to send eight guys to go to Chinatown because he talked to one Chinese guy Right, he gave the money to the one Chinese guy the guy went in an alley And he came back and he gave you a bag and he told you to get the fuck out of dodge Yeah, and by the time you got to the corner

You got to be a kung fu fighter because now four of them popped out of garbage cans and fucking started taking your fireworks You know, it's amazing. It was the oldest scam in the book I said South Carolina guys would go down to Florida they come back and they'd stop in South Carolina felt the trunk Dude, dude, there was I remember it was a business in the 80s Literally every exit in South Carolina come get everything you could go and I'm talking a stick of dynamite Lee. Yeah before these fucking Isis Right there in South Carolina because the dude would you would talk to the dude and he'd feel you out and you drop two or three hundred Then you look the dude in the eye and you say what's in the van? Eagle man, you ain't no officer the law. Are you I look like a fucking officer the law

We just smoke the doob. What do you got the fucking that man? And the guy would take his car keys out on his left hand with two fingers on it. Oh, yeah Yeah, it was the real fucking deal. He would open with a hole for the fucking wood leg and Leg in Vietnam. He lost the arm in fucking Iowa. Yeah I mean these people are real Jack and they would have fine fireworks They were I remember one time we bought a quarter stick of fucking dynamite like like a stick of like like Like the railroad It's gum below dynamite. What do you use time like for we live on fire not the tracks

And then we ran like we were fags We were with wrist rockets Remember those wrist rocket things they were like these things these metal things we're gonna have these two was like a sling shot Oh, yeah, yeah, it was a wrist rocket. Oh my god, dude. We would put the M80s in there pull back lady with the cigarette Let it rip fire boom over the neighborhood Just like boom just crazy, you know They put a taboo on fireworks because just like medical marijuana just like everything else in life To retouch come along and fuck it up for everybody, right?

Fireworks were fucking fun. Yeah, I played with fireworks. I used to hold the whole pack in my hand I didn't like it went to one goal. I just draw it in here He's like here at a barbecue a guy to cook out the guys with a day drink and he passes out in the lawn chair You tie him to a shoelace Fire and he gets up and starts running and the firecancers are on his He's run across the front long shops over the fence runs out the traffic Try to get away from the fireworks fireworks or a fucking blast But then you get out the fucking with a what's the stick with the rain colors that come out the

Roman candle the Roman candle the stick would get hot mouth and people would burn Yeah, you got you got to be careful with that stuff, you know fucking hilarious There was a New York giant yeah, the guy was a defensive line guy was a messing around. He's still playing. He just has three fingers Yeah, he can still tackle three fingers Yeah, they should have had with no skin on that was all bone like this I mean, here's what's what's this? I mean some people shut messing around that stuff But other people can handle it. No, no, you and you hear him now like I've been hearing him at night a couple people get fucking Enthusiastic in my old school. You didn't light a fucking firecracker

To the fort and then when she got a couple drinks in you there was always that bad guy that shot a gun tremendous That's where the party ended. It was always that one kid that smoked cigarettes. He was missing the tooth He already had a tattoo. He already quit high school Bad news and he showed up and go why you guys lighting fireworks. Let's just shoot a gun. Well, fuck's got a gun I got one right here bad when that was it. We got to go dog. This motherfucker showed up with a gun Hey, what would you show to a gun to a firework party, man? That's crazy How crazy is it out here? Like I had never experienced it because it was illegal in my town and like

The town the town's why I grew up like I was just white enough to believe I never wouldn't bother legal anywhere But like the only fireworks were like that weekend I like when I first started dating my girlfriend who grew up in Englewood. I would go down there June 15th and they're already letting fireworks and they go until like August 30th They go for like three months a black neighborhood Mexicans, that's what you create people crazy. They love all those fireworks. Oh, dude I was in Shanghai like it like in New Year's New Year's my friend show me a video I came in like my buddy butch Brad that was over there and

Is he still there? No, he goes over there. Yeah, he does. He was butch fucking Brad where in the world is butch Bradley It's like Waldo. Where where the fuck is he's all over the place to these guys I mean Kuala Lumpur Singapore in Vietnam. I got a buddy of mine Matt Davis is out there, dude He's it was at Mongolia in fucking Mongolia doing stand-up comedy I mean people don't realize dude, you know stand-up comedy is kind of uniquely American art form the way we do it here And now the internet's made the world smaller. So I was in Beijing. I was doing a one-nighter in Beijing, China I know it's ridiculous, but I had a whole week a whole bunch of stuff Oh, yeah, I go. Yeah, I go. Yeah, I got already a guardian the the you go to Beijing and the place called the bookworm

And you do like, you know, they have people that speak Chinese Me chain love I know my name. I'm a she didn't end up doing stand-up in Chinese And then you got like people who do it in English and this guy dead's Bryant Who was a from originally from New York, but now he lives in Ireland But he was over there doing a show trying to learn Chinese and whatnot, but yeah, it's crazy. I mean You can tour the world now legitimately in our friend Tom Rhodes the guys out there all over the place Rome Italy France Amsterdam. I mean all over the world like I did something personally. Yeah, I don't know No, I get it. Listen when I got into comedy. I looked at the broad spectrum. I

Don't know what it was with the broad spectrum and I liked doing comedy I like the American trend. This is when I had the passport. Yeah, I still was not too fucking friendly about leaving the country Yeah, I don't know why I I It burns me out when somebody comes up to me and say and I go who's that guy? He was fine. I like that's such and such. He's fucking huge in Australia But he's American, you know, it's like somebody was telling me that Jimmy Jeffries doesn't sell tickets in Australia. He's your only sales tickets in America. He sells tickets in America You know vice versa, but I never understood. I always thought the party was here

I had an understanding from the beginning. I was gonna be a stand-up comic I didn't know about movies or TV. We were talking about this before this started. Yeah, but There was something I wanted to do. I didn't know what I Thought that the stand-up would lead me To somewhere else, you know, yeah, and when I got into it I said if I'm gonna do it it's because when somebody comes up to me This is a selfish statement to me when somebody comes up to me like I had a certain friend of mine that came up to me crying one time There's some this I don't get sponsored to store. Nobody loves me. I don't have an agent and then a week later

He's telling me how he's going to Belgium for three weeks. I go, you know, it's pilot season. Yeah, you know What what Belgium? What are you talking? What are you fucking crazy? But I I don't say those things no more because it's really none of my business, right? if you had the choice between being in like a A little market here, let's say Detroit I don't whatever market you want to say not LA, New York or be like that in the top market in China Would you rather be in America? Like do you think it's more valuable? Dude, there's there's a

1.8 billion people in China dude even if 10% of those people like you I mean You're moving tickets. I mean, but it the funny thing is I only do those trips because you know I had been all over the United States. I've been to you know, I started in Florida I did some triple runs. I could go to Detroit for the 10th time or Chicago for the ninth My brother, I'm not here to judge. I'm just saying what was gonna work for me I don't I feel weird when I go into international waters. I don't forget. I got a fucking job in 2000 a movie in Jamaica got fired But I was happy because as soon as I saw those chickens in Jamaica and I saw what those people were eating

That's where my party ends. I don't give a fucking how much reefer they had I got out of there to a day. I was in Jamaica for a day. Who goes to Jamaica for a day? Uncle Joey does Yeah, I don't feel comfortable. I'd love to go to Cuba, but I know like that fucking anxiety button with it Yeah, I was especially if I got asleep in somebody's house on a fucking. What's that? I got to go I got to go to Cuba. I did one of those armed forces entertainment tours and we toured through South American I got to go to Guantanamo Bay and Do you know do shows for the military over there? So you're actually in Cuba? We had Sunday off They get these pontoon boats. We rent these pontoon boats

We go out into this one area where we're allowed to go I'm out there swimming looking for sand dollars smoking as Cuban cigar and drinking beer And we're hanging out with these guys from the military base. So, you know, everything's groovy and I'm going I mean, where else and it was I think it was Thanksgiving. I mean, it was like a Thanksgiving We're sitting there. We came back We ordered some pizzas and we watched the football games, but I'm going I want to do that stuff before you can't do that stuff I mean, you know, I mean Europe's gonna fall. You can't I was in bra I was just in Brussels and Netherlands and I was in Kosovo

I was in Venice and we flew into Munich and we did a couple weeks in Germany But I want to see that stuff before you can't see it anymore because eventually the way the world's going I mean, you know, you look look what happened in Istanbul the other day I don't want to be in an airport like that when that shit happens. I got news for you God forbid But yeah, it's a cold reality, you know, I was telling the people and In Philly because they understand my fucking lingo When I got on the plane, I'm high It's 6 25 in the morning, you know, I smoke on the way to the airport

I smoke at the airport and I get sizzled at the house. I have breakfast. I make a nice big healthy breakfast They I have a protein smoothie But to do all that I got to get my appetite going I'm one of those guys has to have water coffee and then I gotta wait an hour to get hungry Yeah, you know, I can't do that because that food at the airport will fucking kill you No, it's bad that food at the fucking airport to kill you Just the germs that play you would you get off a handrail, you know That's some kind of you know get one of these little kids one of these little carriers walking around a pet of the monkey in a zoo

And now he's got the handrail you got the germ next to you flesh-eating bacteria on your In these all things are the funny guys, but it's a fucking reality. No it is I'm sitting there stone and all sudden This lady walks home with the biggest dog give a soul in your life And I'm sitting there something at the house a house cake and she be She has no idea that I've already put it in my mind guys like you and I We're on the road 20 weeks a year. That's 40 planes without connectors Okay, if you throw enough spaghetti against the wall, it sticks Eventually God forbid again, we're gonna end up getting shot at one of those fucking airports are blown up or a

Plane will go down because we fly more than the usual person Yeah, and I know the odds are high against the plane going down But look at all these planes going down in Europe. These guys already got the taste for it. These planes just didn't disappear I love how the media tells you these planes just disappeared really what happened Where's the fucking that these planes just didn't disappear some of these shooting these fucking planes down And you don't want to scare the airline industry and the tourism industry by saying it But this is a fucking fact You see what's happening in Brazil like cops and stuff are like standing out there like telling people not like telling people that

They're not gonna get paid like there's not gonna be cops for the for the Olympics Yeah, this should be a good it should be an interesting Olympic game Some of those people may actually have to do those things are good at like run jump and throw You know throw throw javelins of people just to stay alive. I mean just an outside change you make it to see you I wish you imagine going to Rio one of the dangerous places in the world And there's no cops. Yeah, plus I was reading a story the other day all the illegals coming across the border to bring in Tuberculosis from tuberculosis and Ricketts is making a comeback because they're bringing all that stuff in from the south of the border So it's yeah, welcome to it, bro. Obviously. That's a man. Welcome to the 21st century right? Yeah

Nostradamus predicted it and we're seeing the roots of it fucking get planted. That's all you're right now The roots of whatever whatever fucking Nostradamus says, I don't know much about his sayings I just know that every once in a while you smoke a joint in the hotel on a Thursday night You stay up a little late and it's a story by Nostradamus undiscovering you quarter to 12 32 So you got 28 hours to catch on to whatever Nostradamus said, but by that time They're already saying how much of a genius he was he foresaw this he foresaw that he foresaw this You know, so now you sit here and if you think about what the fuck he said, these are the seeds of it Fucking beast is gonna come out of the whatever and who the fuck knows, you know

Yeah, I mean it's just My supposed to believe in Nostradamus. I don't even know what you mean Look like you said you you worry about what you can worry about change your world Hopefully it'll change the world, but you know, we've gotten dumber as a species I mean you look people right but the zombie apocalypse. I'm gonna look around over here Everybody's looking down their cell phone. Nobody's been gone contact. No one's having a conversation You walk through the airport people are bumping into each other walking at he can't pay attention They can't I have a conversation. Nobody talks to each other anymore. It's sad. It's actually

The the evolution. I mean we're everybody's kind of hunched over walk We're kind of working our way back down the evolutionary scale, you know, I got a tweet I got take pictures of my food. I got I got I just pay to find look up and live before you get hit by a fucking car Or a bus completely honest I get anxiety now sometimes if I if I don't know where my phone is or if I haven't like checked it for a while Like not if I'm doing something But if I'm just sitting at home and I really I can't find it or I'm like I'm a little bit bored just a tiny Broga rehabs now

To get people away from their phones. Yep, and there's rehabs now to stop people from playing games Yeah, this is a fucking reason and I gotta tell you at my own schools. I don't understand it You put in a thing if it rings your answer if not, I don't want to play on my phone I'm like listen man. I don't have these fucking stories Because I lived in a phone or because I played Nintendo. Yeah, or because I played Super Mario Or because I played Monopoly or because I played any fucking games These stories are because I never fucking play games like most kids and this is what I played instead The game of fucking life and you get your ass kicked and you get thrown out of places and your credit goes bad

And your wife leaves your father fucking people, but the game of life you got to move forward Yeah, so if you want to sit there and look at your fucking phone and Twitter and whatever listen I love Twitter. I love Facebook, but there's a time and a place for yeah exactly Saturdays and Sundays I want to enjoy my life around. I'm in a hotel room I want to be tweeting and taking pictures and showing you whatever I love doing periscopes and smoking dope with people But I don't want to do it every fucking day. I want to keep you on edge I want to keep you in suspense like fucking the Twilight Zone Yeah, it's it's it's getting it's bad. It's getting worse and it's just I just I mean, you know

It's funny because none of the other animals on the planet, you know The you know, you don't see a you know a gorilla You know with a device and you know people don't even realize that all that technology the radiation that machine creates to send The signal in the space and bounce it off the satellite and you're holding it next to your fucking head Everybody's gonna have a brain tumor shape of an iPhone 6, you know Let me tell you you could shut the fuck up for 15 minutes and it's fucking things right next to your brain and your skull I mean, come on. I don't understand people walking down the street. Yeah on the phone. I don't understand Like people walking and not paying attention

I see it every morning cuz I walk my daughter because it's more entertaining. I walk past people that are looking on the floor and Thinking about their conversation. I got nobody nothing to say to nobody want to fucking walk and that phone could ring I look at it. If it's not 310 That's all they get You have no idea. Yeah, I know the phone people think I fuck around when I'm out and about and I'm doing business I got two or three people around me and shit I just had to call that girl back right because I haven't spoken to her She left me a couple moving playing phone tech besides that if you call me now, I don't do a fuck

Yeah, my phone is a way for me to keep in touch with the world It's not way for you to call me or like I checked my Facebook status I mean, you know, my nephew would come over when my left you my nephew live with me for like a year and a half He's up there. You know come home from work He you know, he drink red bowls and cheetos and you know, I can't live like a rock story never left the house He's on Facebook and social media. I'm gonna do you gotta go out and live it a little bit You know, I'm trying to write a book and I outline and I outline and I'm to a part right now I'm about 17 and a half

And Jimmy this time I gotta stop and cry I Gotta stop and cry. I'm up to the part right now where I didn't really know I was living with a family. They were feeding me. I wasn't paying rent I was going to high school. I had friends. I was smoking dope. I was selling a few pills You know, and I didn't know what the next day was gonna be I was just in the back of my mind hoping that the death certificate was wrong You know, I'm saying like hoping that my mother wasn't dead I would go by the house every day just to see if maybe she was at the track or something

That's how crazy it got you, you know But I'm thinking about the events I used to do like I'm trying a list of events and I get sad Because I got Friends who have kids and that kids weren't doing what I was doing at fucking 17 and a half Yeah, it embarrasses the shit out of me embarrasses the fucking shit on me Well, it was different times dude, and you know, you did like I didn't Why didn't I stay home and play Mario Brothers? Why did I stay home on a Saturday night like most kids on why sign that live and on Mondays

They would giggle in the hallway by yourself. You're busy making fucking stories. You can't do that shit Look, you know, you can't you know, Sam Kenison used to do a bit about like you can't write those bits unless you live those stories You know one day you're drunk you pass out and you wake up and your heads you lay right next to a fucking grilled really big Grilled ham and cheese sandwich. Oh, that looks like, you know fucking dr. Ruth's twat You can't write that joke unless you pass out and you wake up next to say what you're going, you know I mean you I'm up. I don't mean to but you know the other thing is to I think about you know My motorcycle ax almost losing my fucking leg all that stuff You don't you don't have fucking time to like pride

You should be in fucking therapy after stuff like that happens to you and try to work through it and figure it out You don't you don't have fucking time and you can't afford to because fucking life's fucking moving You know, you gotta you know, there was a you know a couple times where you go I fucking what I was even thinking I I should I mean I I didn't even know how that would have affected me or you know It does I mean, you know, we know more about it now that we did back then but Jesus I mean, well, you don't know you're going through it. Why you're going through it Yeah, exactly. So you pass it and then you sit there one day and go wow what I was going through that situation Was a little fucked up. Yeah

And it's like I lost 10 pounds and that person stopped talking to me or it was just a weird situation at that time But you don't know you're going through it while you're living through it It's just a bad day after another, you know, it's weird when you see somebody going through a bad patch in their life You know, you see people who For three years just bump into a bad patch in their life And a lot of things could happen in those three years You could be we can have to join ISIS in this society today You could join ISIS because you're weak and you couldn't pay your mortgage and you hated the government

You know, you could get a gun and go to Kmart and shoot 18 people and shoot yourself you shoot the dog There's so many options out. I didn't have those options. Yeah, well because you know, you say what the fuck you want But you never did that. I mean do we everybody goes to a lot of shit I think you the way you handle adversity I mean, but you but you think about like people like mental illness in this country And there's a book out called the sociopath who lives next door and they talk about all these different Mental illness is such a stipulation on I mean, I would never even entertain the idea of running through a fucking Kmart What an AK-47 is killing fucking people. I don't you know as bad as things got I never did anything like that

But you're right, you know, sometimes you got to get through it and you stop for a minute You look back and you remember going wow that fucking I'm lucky. I made it alive I'm still on the right side of the grass. I'm still breathing. I'm still I'm still in there fighting I'm still pushing that fucking rock up the hill. I'm still trying to live the good life I mean, you know, I grew up in the in the 90s and early 2000s Which is like early like the like the start of the pacificate whatever you want to call it But I said we're a generation snowflake I still remember in elementary school the kids who we hated were the crybabies

The kids who would cry if you didn't if you didn't do anything to them or or always always just Complained or wind and it seems like we're not doing that anymore Like it seems it seems like the crybabies have the internet and They're very vocal. Yeah, and the whole world's upside down and 90 I was outlining You know, I've been outlining the last month or so just because you have to know what you're gonna write about in the future Sometimes you get stuck like let me do work on some mouse and I was thinking about 94 Like I live in a one-bedroom rocky apartment. There was a bench So you try to try a couch a mattress in a room that the mattress was so big

It took the whole room. You couldn't open close the door. There was no furniture in there It was just a mattress on the bed. Sometimes I wouldn't even change the sheet You know, it was one of those things and it was my rocky apartment and at that time I was so happy to have that apartment, but I had this fucking loneliness at that time I didn't know I was going through it two years later. Yeah, and so a couple weeks ago So I was writing it out the loneliness I had like I was doing stand-up I had friends, but when I would go home at night, it was the loneliest I had ever been I'd be fucking alone with my blow and a fat tire

Every 90 days I bumped into a freak at the gas station and she came over and You know something creepy happens or something, but I was so lonely as a soul You know, I don't even know I in 85 before I left New Jersey. I was on the lurch. I was hiding So from January to June, I was always by myself And I'll never forget that birthday eating at my favorite Chinese restaurant in Fort Lee By myself on my fucking 20 second birthday or something and then now I think about how lonely I was Even though then the back of my mind. I thought it was okay. My night was made I'm gonna eat some Chinese food walk over the bridge get a $10 bag of reefer and

Then just walk to like a hundred and something take a train down and come around the other end You know, I was pretty happy in those days It's fucking crazy that I ended up robbing that Chinese restaurant. What are you gonna do? I went in there for lunch one day the Chinese people wouldn't give me a tab and the registers right there on the way I just hit it. There was 20s and lifted up. There was a couple 50s I ran out of it. I went back a week later because that tremendous Szechuan shredded beef. You know what I'm saying? Do they catch you? No, they serve me I thought you were gonna say I thought you were saying there was no cameras there was an hour and a half later

I went back and robbed the place again because it was a Chinese. No, I was over there over the time So I knew they didn't have cameras. I would look around you know, you know me dog in those days I was a eyeball and I would go in there one day on the way. I'm sitting there for the fucking tab They're not coming out there in the back talking arguing. I'm sitting by the register not that I finally hit the register opens up But I just made up the fucking door a week later. I said nobody saw him. Let me go in there and test him I deny it. I went in there. They serve me like usual. I looked around make sure there was no spitting there and no Chinese eyeballs And I was clear I kept going back in and then another time I went in there for once it did the same thing

I robbed them again, then I moved to Colorado. I never went back there I went back and they were out of business. So everything's forgotten Charges have been dropped Chinese restaurant owners all over Colorado who like speak about you in harsh like How many Chinese restaurants have you never raised like four was that place on Sunset was that boys walk boys walk We had them on point two in there too for a while. I had them on delivery The rock and roll round rock and roll rise Hilarious fucking Hoy's walk behind Hoy's walk was a place called JJ's beepers When I first moved here JJ beepers had signs all over Sunset if you had a beeper you wanted a cell phone

You went to motherfucking Jane J beepers then the chicks book came out Heidi Fleiss and he was Heidi Fleiss his partner So he ran and that business I saw that business go from a fucking wall. It was right behind Hoy's walk right the reason why did we go to Hoy's walk? Because it was so good the food. No, it was because there was a head shop place behind it That's still there. You said you said it's the best. It's the best seven dollar Chinese. Oh, please It's not that for seven dollars. Yeah special. Absolutely. Are you fucking kidding me? I had that neighborhood down You're an egg roll a cup of soup noodles, which is big if you get that thrown in some people know they see me coming

They tried to be 50 cents a bag But some people don't even see me coming. They just keep going those noodles you dope that soup up with those noodles That's an air pocket in your stomach. That shit goes a long way later on You know I'm saying when you're living on a fucking thread those noodles are tremendous Let me get some more dry noodles Absolutely, and you get that fucking kung pao that comes with noodles and you add more and you keep eating that shit fills you up Yeah, this is when you're not worried about your measurements. This is when you're just trying to survive Yeah, you know I'm saying yeah when you're trying to survive. There's nothing like a Chinese lunch

Special the little days. Oh, I mean they're all like bro. I was a little bit of Cresto We got a comedy store and we had it down. We knew which happy hours you go hit a happy hour And they were put out the free food, you know tacos and Three What would you guys do to lunch but now but this was just happy and they would just put people would just put food out You know, oh, yeah that places and now lay at the time. There was only one lunch buffet, excuse me

And I really liked it Lee and I haven't been there in five years, and I'm thinking of going next week Acapulco. Oh a Mexican lunch buffet. There was two Acapulcos in town here There was one where the sports bar is now on La Brea and sunset right down the block from Hoy's walk if you headed east There's a bar there now that you go to the right in there They used to have sons anarchy night in there and and they somebody did County that having upstairs on You and me went there we saw the waitress Okay, that that that place that place used to be a capucho. Oh, okay when I first moved here in 1997 that place was Al Capucco

But the other Al Capucco is an echo like if you stay on sunset, right once you pass the Scientology Center on the right You go that right there's an Al Capucco there Tremendous lunch special. What do they have six dollars? They have like some type of fucking meat with onions and shit the fucking rice is delicious They would have the soup would be off the fucking chain and they would have condiments You could dope it up and spice it up. They have tamales not the best tamales. You got salsa You had chips you had cheese you could eat a lot is you know But for listen when you're fucking struggling and you got six seven eight ten bucks

You could fucking kill it dad dog You could kill that motherfucker till you get to the comedy storm borrow a 20 for a late dinner, right or wrong Yeah, I should have hold you over till 1015 Do you could borrow a 10 from Jeff the piano player to go get a sandwich over a fucking pink dot at the Well, I'm talking about a survival You get up like hoys walking those days. I wouldn't walk into it something happens Somebody found the mouse on an egg roll and that was the end of that fucking deal You know us we got one morning and the word spreads. It's like Clint Eastwood came to town the outlaw Josie Wales the word

Spreads we were going in there a long time. They had a tremendous Kung Pao fucking chicken They had a tremendous lunch special and then somebody found the mouse that was all over and I had to switch governments over to the fucking bookie joint The one across from rock and roll routes that used to be my office They had a payphone out front next to the fucking Russian deli Right across from rock and roll routes right now. There's a weed store on that corner They used to be a magazine store for 20,000 fucking years. Yeah That was I used to run years from book out of there. I did everything out of there So blow out of there. I fucking weighed coke in there. I

Forget the name. I used to I used to go there Six times a fucking week And you went in an office No, listen fucking up The restaurant was so big Listen to me the restaurant was so big They had an auger door that you opened up and right away you had like eight boot style tables And then they had a fish tank

If you went around that fish tank, they had a little private room back there Like tables that you could sit like this So I would show up five deep, you know, I had lunch with there Anderson silver I took Anderson silver fucking at the lunch with his manager And his whole fucking team They were like, why do we go eat in hollywood? I go I'll meet you and I took them in there and we ate Chinese fruit like kings They even throw on no no, they don't throw in a can of soda

They just throw in the basics the soup the fucking noodles That's a water the egg roll that tastes like ass that you trade for a fucking You know, whatever give me the pork fried rice. I'll give you my egg roll Because you don't get pork fried rice to give you that vegetable egg fried rice But when you throw the fucking beef on top of it, it all tastes the same at the end I get it with white rice. Anyway, why are we talking about Chinese fucking lunch specials? Fucking Turkish people are fucking getting blown up 42 at this count and the beauty of it is tonight I'm watching world news tonight and they're interviewing fucking

A couple who go to Turkey You know what man house, you know, everybody wants to be a fucking hero The other night I got sucked into that movie about the avalanche the fucking people who go to the top of the mountain And then they started dropping like flies And I'm thinking to myself and all 20 of those people that went up there I didn't see one Spanish person or one black person because they don't think about that shit Nobody went wait a second. You got a chance of never coming back and you want to climb a mountain. What is the fucking purpose? What is the I never saw the fucking movie? I'm sitting there. I watch it because of the actors

Yeah, to say we did it Yeah, because it was there and they set up a camp and a balloon A killer selfie and you got to go in the winter and there's storms up there and lightning and okay That's nice. You want to walk halfway and take a picture mind your business and go home I'm with you, but you're gonna go up there and pitch a fucking tent like some shit only certain crazy fucking people do But there's also people who watch the periscope tonight and said Joey did 18 fucking bunks. That's just ridiculous So, you know I'm saying people living uh glass houses shooting through stones. That's a motherfucking story And I obviously it's not gonna do anything against the bomb

But I was actually thinking about like look what? What about getting bulletproof vests? I know it's not gonna do anything against the bomb or plane going down But and do what with it? Where have you put a bulletproof vest on nope? Okay, they weigh 22 fucking pounds on top of what I'm walking with in luggage. That's number one number two listen Lee Well, it's time to go It's time to go Unless you get 20,000 and get one of those

10 shirts that is bulletproof But what look at the size of your head in the mirror when you go home. It's pretty tough to miss that fucking thing I know I'm a goner from a thousand yards You could hit my fucking head with a fucking peanut and a fucking potato thing. Are you crazy? Unless they make headguards for us that even our eyeballs because you we're all luck We're hitting the one eyeball that's open, you know To be I mean you you guys are just saying you have to go out and live and live and make stories

How you you have to be a little scared now to go out to to malls and bars and I stay away from large groups of people That's one. Maybe that's why people go do that They try to do a mountain Everest to get away because you know, there's not going to be a crowd of people there Yeah, but I but you know avoid any place, you know, they like soft targets and they like high number counts But I mean we got to travel for a living, but I mean I'd stay away from like, you know Soccer games and listen everybody in this country everybody who listens to this podcast across the world Is in danger

You'd go to get coffee now Yeah That's something that pulls out a gun right here in america We don't even you know, you have the threat of ices But we also have the homegrown patriots people are angry at the government's a bunch of people are dischanted man Yeah, but I'm telling you like I mean that's the thing I'm just supposed to get fucking used to this now. I mean, this is just a fucking new trend I'm not always supposed to be evolving. I was moving towards this fucking, you know, you know starfleet and one federation or

You know, I mean we're we're we're animals. We're fucking we're we go from barbarian world to a Lee's educated you're educated your father's a cop. You were raised irish catholic I mean three of us would have an uneducated answer to this fucking question What's the educated answer to what's the next step? That's it. Listen in one step right here I call the guy by the name of ross perot And I break it down. I go ross. What would you do in this situation? What do you think ross perot would do? He's like make them a motherfucking memory

You just can't do that And that's eventually Going to happen Because they're gonna do something somewhere and that's just the wrong place You blow up disney That's chinese You don't want those missiles coming out. Well, if I can Barack Obama the drone ranger

Uh, the drone ranger, uh, set out fucking took out 250 fucking ices people right after today 250 ices fighters gone today. There's a hell fire fucking. Yeah, but that does Listen, that's like throwing gasoline On a fire and that's like fucking spraying that spray on a on a beehive And the back end of the bees get away and now they get together And they get even more pissed off right and now they go to plan b which could be a chemical attack Now they go to plan b which could be a fucking A 4th of july celebration now they go to plan c that could be a ufc event got to bid a major league stadium

Listen to me. Listen to me. And it doesn't take this is where my stupid ass could tell you something You mess around with one of those football stadiums On the lord's day during the nfl season My heart goes out to you I can't help you Because they're gonna have every gun loving toting american Who watches sports in this country and big money?

Big money. Listen the nfl is big money The nfl is big money. Like you said my favorite movies concussion very entertaining wasn't it? I didn't see it was a joke. Yeah, but that's the line. He says they got their own fucking day They got their own day sunday. They own a day of the week. How sad is that that you're right? What would have you ever been laying in bed and go? Okay, so you bombed 42 people at a club in orlando. It's a fucking travesty It burns my heart, you know, you do this you do that you shoot up whatever happened today At what point in america does

The general public say listen For fucking two of my pennies every fucking year go to one of these bombs your motherfuckers promise It's time to put those motherfuckers to test Well, you know and the next thing is is like fucking people taking matters into their own hands I mean going if you're not gonna fucking if you can't even fucking say the word if you can't fucking defend me Then I know where exactly where they fucking how long before someone walks into a mosque and fucking murders 50 people in a fucking mosque And how long before that starts happening the other fucking direction? I'm just saying people have had a fucking enough I mean, you know, we grow up you try to play by the rules

You're not a they're not even playing by the same set of fucking rules They could give a fuck they strap on a fucking suicide vest and take out as many fucking people as they can They want to drag everybody back to a fucking, you know, five bc and I'm going to you know I don't understand. I don't I don't know, you know, and that fucking hatred that kind of fucking hate is taught And it's taught from when you're a little fucking kid And you could actually just walk in and just fucking annihilate 50 people on my worst day on my worst day Fucking, you know what my fucking guns, you know, I wouldn't fucking walk in and shoot at him Oh my worst day. I wouldn't fucking do it. I'd lay in fucking bed and fucking pop in a movie

I'd fucking drink myself silly on my worst day would never fucking go into harm another human being I mean, I I just okay, but listen there's people have mental health issues Well, that's that's a whole new people that one day they're sitting there with a gun that they're gonna kill themselves And now those voices outside are at the fucking local supermarket You know, I want you to do something real quick for me because I do it fucking once a week as a reminder I do it. Maybe sometimes on satanites. It's close your eyes And think of being at your favorite sandwich shop with your fucking girlfriend Lee Jimmy Schubert you travel to Chicago

You're with this fucking attorney and your mind in your own business and all of a sudden you hear fucking high artillery gunfire That's a reality. You know, that's a reality That's a reality today when you leave the house, you gotta kiss the cat now You gotta hug the dog and say, you know what? It was a good one I don't know if I'm gonna go back. I gotta go to the fucking rouse Because now you don't I mean, and it's fucking sad I feel bad for my daughter. I feel bad for children who are 13

I gotta see this every day in disney land You know, listen, they do something to disney land. What do you think happens? Let's pretend in your father's imaginary as an american they fucking Put a bomb inside disney land, which I hear security is fucking tremendous now. I hear security is so good at disney land. It's annoying This is from a friend of mine that is a habitual disney land guy, right? It's great And but that's true, but I mean if they're wearing a bomb all they have to do is get up to the ticket area Can you imagine? Yeah, what would you think what would be? The public outcry. I mean the public outcry

Would be the only way you're gonna we're gonna vote for you is if you say what we want to hear I think it's already at that though. No, it's already at that even look at you know, the brexit. I mean everybody's Yeah, they're going crazy. Oh, yeah, I don't fucking we we did it first We would have your original fucking brexit motherfuckers Have you seen the have you seen the videos of what's going on over there? Like it's like they're like even more Like what racist anti-muslim stuff they're yelling at the month Yeah, but do you know because they want their fucking country back They want the fucking shit back. They want some sovereignty, you know, the european union fucking rules them

They they override their judges They tell them who can get into their fucking country and these people like, you know, okay, they want their fucking lives back I don't fucking blame I mean, you know, we can't if we're not moving in the direction of fucking starfleet and fucking Everybody gets along and live long and fucking prosper all that shit if we're not having a spiritual fucking revolution And everybody should just start blowing fucking people up then by all means shut it down I gotta tell you something guys. I don't know. There's a reason in the movie sleepers When the guys are talking politics at the bar and the guy from sleepers says go over there and tell them a change of

Conversation is necessary No religion and no politics the same thing is happening to me right now There's one of the first podcasts in a long time. I've done that. I just got stressed out for a minute Yeah, so we're gonna change the subject. There's nothing we could do to change it. No, we were talking about that was interesting was saturday night. I'm in the fucking green room at helium the weekend went great and uh Eleanor brings the two brothers in billy and johnny or whatever the fucking great guys and yeah, they're great

And as they're leaving I go, it's it's funny. You know the shoe, but the brothers showed up. That's fucking weird And I go to the hotel. I sleep two hours. I get up. I go to the airport Thank god. I got up early and one got two eggs From the fucking greasy spoon around the corner from the hotel because there was nothing to eat at that fucking Filly airport. Yeah, it was early the pizza place was closed. There was a pizza place when I landed on the way out I go, oh Shit There's breakfast on sunday a nice little slice of fucking

Pizza, but to go Shit they had those old fucking cancer eggs With that french toast that looked like fucking debt Thank god. Thank god. I ate there, but i'm sitting there minding my own business I go, yeah, shoo, but brother didn't come and who comes fucking hopping along But jimmy shoo, but at the airport happy as a pig and shit. It's a 725 fucking flight. He's a professional He's you know what i'm saying? My flight was at 5 30. I flew from pittsburgh to philly I get there and i'm catch i'm catching a 7 30 connector

And and uh, they they uh, and then I you call my name I turn around to joey coco Diaz as they live and breathe sitting there by himself away from modify I'm gonna turn him by myself Yeah, I don't want them when you came over into The couple sat in front of us and I had the fucking because it was a dominican republic So next thing, you know, I had fucking telomundo in front of me. I had them all around me And i'm like jesus christ. I had this happen now. Nice. No, there was a dominican couple behind me. It was cool as fuck But we were you know, we were talking about comedy and how

In 1997 We were going to hoist walk and you had a deal and you took me to lunch and you Showed me where to get headshots in that place There used to be another place that we used to go to but the dude died and left the chinese witho And then one night coked up I called her up and asked if I could eat a monkey in chinese You learned how to say it No, I just asked her right out There was a place that's now a porn

Video russian place. Okay, so rock and roll rouse is rock and roll rouse. Okay This is crazy shit rock and roll rouse is rock and roll rouse Okay, right over here is the weed store the russian zone with natasha And then I used to get a haircut there just till two years ago from 1997 to two years ago I got a haircut there every six weeks at that place. I went back to that neighborhood. I always loved that neighborhood It's just if you're not doing blow and getting your dick sucked and going out every night You shouldn't live there like when you said I think I should move to know you Because you're gonna hear sirens all night. The valley is quiet

You moved to hollywood. You hear screams and yells and it's uh for chase is fucking crazily You know, you go to rouse in in hollywood at two thirty in the morning You I dated go to rouse at a quarter to Rock and roll rouse And see how many people going in by fucking case is a bit Because the place is shutting it too That place I've seen people from all sizes going there at a quarter to people online john

John online knowing that this is it. This is the final frontier That neighborhood is great. But on the other side of that rock and roll rouse. There's raffi yellow's pizza Yeah, there's a haircut in place. Yeah, that was off to the side right to the side There's a flower place and there used to be a headshot place and you went in there and the guy looked like uh Who did busting loose with richard prior? Gene wilder gene wilder. They look like gene wilder gained 200 pounds His hair was crazy. He had glasses He had a ward on his face and he had this german shepherd that was older than he was

He was he had that guy was fucking ready to die. Even the dog wanted to die They had headshots in there makey rooney. Like the guy had been there with everybody. Yeah, very old hollywood old hollywood Somewhere along the line. He picked up yoko ono jr. What's the difference between joker yoko ono jr. And the real oh, yo, yo, whatever yoko ono was that this chick was banging I mean, you just went there to get your ass. That's the relative. You know how these people talk about cougars This chick must have been about 49 She had done her breast redone You know, she dressed nice

She fucking and you could look at her and go all this chick's a party It didn't take you long to know that this chick was a party ricky cruisers out here then Me you ricky I was showed there was 30 people who got their headshots done that. Yeah, we all went in there and he was family He let you take it on the arm and come back a week later You can pay him a little bit. You can pay him a little bit because in those days It was $129 for 300 headshots. Yeah now, you know what it is 2250 for 100 of them because they're dying to give them away. They don't only use headshots in hollywood no more

It's all electronic. So people are like fucking. We'll give you a picture We'll take a picture and give it to you for free. Just come and use our machines. Yeah There's a there was a place on Across from rock and roll rouse that was huge. It was like a printing world They're done. They're down to a little fucking one little korean dude and a fucking uh by himself and they're gonna please sketch Your art. It's just we you see how the business is changed In so many avenues, but anyway the fucking we go in there over the holidays You know every january every january you get new headshots

So we went in there one day and the place is closed. There's been a death in the family What the fuck happened? All right, maybe the old man's mother died. We won't the one the week. It's open I go there And the wife is there and I go what's what's going on? Where's mickey and she goes mickey passed away. She started crying and I can see her cleavage Right away. I'm getting bad thoughts like a porno movie. I'm gonna take her in the back and give her a stab in over all this agony And she I was all coked up in the days I was walking around the fucking sexual overtone. You know what I'm saying?

In those days, I'd see a fucking chick homeless and I'd have thoughts and You know when you're doing blood and shit you're fucking minors You know you want to talk about oh my god a part of my you know people always hit me up with addiction questions And I tell them listen get the fuck out of that I know you got a problem. I know how it was. I know it's going to take a while to think about it But do yourself a favor get out of there because once you're out of there, you're gonna look back You know how and I always say this you know how white people walked out of homicide covering their faces Yeah, that's what you do by yourself at night when you think of some of this shit

You did on the coke and well you did for the coke and what time you had to go with Who you borrowed money from and so I think of all that fucking addiction shit Yeah, and that's another thing that you look at and go. What where the fuck was my head at? Yeah, well, maybe you know And I have some experience like maybe you don't realize and you and you were self medicating because you didn't know how to Fucking handle. Let me ask this question. So I don't want to interrupt nobody I don't even know what's up Oh, shit, dude, you got fucking shit going on and you go for years people talking about son

He's self medicating. I do a couple bumps from time to time. I don't know what I'm saying But bro, yeah, that's the problem with that shit. There's no there's no a couple bumps here a couple bumps there But before you know it And if I get seven o'clock in the morning I saw a kid doing coke supposedly on periscope last night and it finally happened I will say this though. I'm glad social media wasn't around when I was doing that shit Listen at the point I was at in 2006 if periscope was around and I knew what I knew now At one o'clock in the morning. I'd rent a hotel room from a space unknown

I'd have somebody else go in there with a fake name. So the cops couldn't even find me I changed the hotel room around I'd take an eight ball and just snort it on camera my noises And show me chrome on the floor and I would charge like 2250 a minute And I would be the number one showing into that join Hide and looking from cameras snort and fucking sheet rock at working the people working the people you had the people When you stayed in a handicapped room, you had you had you had two people You had the regular people and you had the handicapped people and if you get it there

Oh my god, you can work both people You won't wake up in the morning. You're like a raccoon. You got little black eyes Oh my god, I would work a peephole. I would work the fucking underneath I would lay on my floor and look underneath the door thing and look for feet walking by and shadows and shit You have no idea Lisa. You know, I've heard stories, dude I've always said like, yeah, how was the most paranoid you've ever gotten you that stuff. It's crazy What story wasn't that I got so paranoid with you up here and fucking got them sitting there I had baseball the next day. I was shooting baseball and we went to your house and we drank a gallon of red wine

You were saving for sauce on sunday. You had I had to argue with you for an hour. Jimmy We got to drink the wine. I can't my girlfriend's family. Jim. I don't give a fuck about your girlfriend's family We got to drink this red fucking wine. I don't give a fuck. We drank the red wine I get home at six. They call my calls at seven fucking 30 and I'm the first seeing up. I've never shot nothing in my life Here I am at the fucking Coliseum downtown Coming down off of cocaine bins With Jimmy Schubert that started with spaghetti and meatballs and monday night We talked about my fucking god

I'm like forget about all that prediction. Shit. This started as a simple night Coco Diaz. I got an audition tomorrow come over. We'll read the sides And we'll fucking eat some spaghetti. Yeah. Yeah, I'm having my sauce I invited Carl LeBow over too. So you meet you and call called on show We went over the sides for a minute and then you went in the back and you found the package from 1982 And you got it started and that was it. Yeah, we'll do one more one more one more Can you call your guy? How much you got 60? I'll put in a hundred next, you know, it's four in the morning You got one window

Oh my god, I'm working the other fucking way that wasn't a big fucking bottle was nothing in that place It was a fuck there was I had a fucking shitty couch. I had a futon I had a stupid desk with a fucking computer and that's all I fucking had besides the clothes in my back That was like my rocky joint out here Remember that little apartment had a nice little kitchen, but I was like, I mean, dude, I you know, that's what I was You know, you were one of the last people That was so embarrassing to me that night Like you never repeated it. You didn't remember because you were looking at your own window

You were having your own dilemma. Yeah, and I was having my own dilemma and I said that's never gonna happen again I can't get paranoid around people. Yeah at that point. I was Getting half paranoid if the chick was around I would get half paranoid if I would get Coked up with somebody and they got paranoid. It was over. Yeah. I remember one time I smoked crack I was on probation in Boulder, Colorado. Oh, wow I'm on fucking federal probation And at this time my buddy was suing people left and right

I had a friend in jersey. All he had to do was get rained on And he'd get dirty G. So he had this Jew attorney that was ruthless This guy sued a guy on a bike that was going down the street got cut off by a car Hit the sidewalk bumped into his wife. He got 130 grand for that. This guy was suing people left him right He was carrying a bad tub. He cut his finger 160 and he snorted Every dollar to On one of his coke fiends, you know, he would just call him and go

A die a coax. I'm they're gonna come it up And he just jumped on a plane with some other fucking sketch and they'd be going for two days And they get here with three eight balls And we get a hotel involved and then number one night we're sitting there playing simple cards And they're like you never smoked it before I'm like, I never smoked crack and they cook and crack in the microwave And I took two or three hits and guys I was hiding in the shower Because I was on probation. Yeah, they got coconut You know on the way to the hotel if you see a cop eating a hamburger

Even though he's eating a hamburger in your mind. He's there to watch you It is the creepiest paranoia. Yeah, and you keep doing it and doing it You know, they've said they've said that you know and uh And yeah, because towards the end I think I wore out of gear and that's that's what it was when you get you would It was no longer fun. You would just get that paranoia But I mean it was they said at the height of cocaine paranoia You your brain rivals that of a schizophrenic like schizophrenics. That's what they feel all the time You know till I fucking I said wow if that's what schizophrenic goes through every day all the fucking time

I feel fucking bad for I gotta tell you because you imagine that I mean going through like that living your life like that I mean, that's what like a schizophrenic is that all the time you feel that way. I fucking love that I love that that you know, listen, man from From 70 from 80 To like 81 and a half I would buy a gram of coke. I was a junior in high school. Let's say Now we get a half a gram from this kid who recently died

And I would do a couple lines out because the kids I was hanging with did drugs, but they didn't do bumps But I was living in my own world. What do you mean? They didn't do bumps They did what they did acid and we smoked dope But at that time there was only two or three of us out of the nine that did bumps and the three of us that did it Didn't want those other six to know we were doing right. We just didn't want them to know so I would get to do a bump in the bathroom and drink with them because I can't drink So for me to drink in those days, I would I knew I had to do a couple fucking toots

So I'd do a couple bumps drink nine or ten beers And then I would go home that I would sit in the dark. Let me shoot but with earphones on I just let's do them bumps and crying and jerking off and going through what fucking uh Denzel washington went through on man on fire when he would put the gun to his head And I didn't have a gun in those days, but I would go through this psychosis You know, I know for a fact I can name numerous times Where the cocaine went into a state of psychosis where we saw cops the next day

It was a fucking fire hydrant where I saw the curtains move and I'm not fucking crazy I saw the guy's hand stick his fingers in and close it right away. You know, I saw I dumped an ounce of coke one night. I saw fucking I told like I said, I thought there were dogs It was a fire hydrant sticking up in my mind one night. I saw people on ropes dressed in white with those furs Like 007 with machine guns coming down from the trees in colorado. I was in the trailer on a fucking furlough Storn an eight ball Coke fell on my hands and knees licking it. I think these guys are coming into the fucking door

I'm jerking off in a fucking bathroom in a trailer. You know how many times I jerked off on the plane Coked up in the fucking back. No, I'm embarrassing. This is yeah, that was that's that's that's a fucking embarrassing drug I mean you telling these stories, dude. I'm my stomach. Oh my god. Oh my god Just the the sickness of like, you know, because it wasn't I mean there was a point where you overdid it Wasn't it wasn't fun anymore. I just said, I'm not fucking doing it anymore. I'm just not and I'm glad I did I'm glad I grew because I you know, I had a runner and you know, I do that You know, I was torn with kinesin. I mean this guy was gonna fucking, you know, like an ounce I mean the shit was always available. I mean back then I was just uh different times, but people give it a twist

It's like weed now. Yeah, he was sam kinesin. Who didn't want to be able to say I just did some blind with I just delivered the car. That was the kinesin Oh, you're so who wouldn't you imagine? Being able to do a bump with sam kinesin Fucking billy idols doing bumps is fucking, you know, ted new just hanging around. There's a book. I'm he wasn't partying But I mean there's a but I mean there's all these fucking rocker. Oh, it's like a david lee ross Don't look at his little pinky nail. What if I got moving backstage the universe lamp of theaters and ginger baker was playing Was one of the drummers in the fucking rocker all-star band with fucking uh, I mean

It was fucking insane. I mean that is in there You know ginger baker's playing drums cc deville from fucking poisons on guitar. Yeah, this guy from toto You had all these everybody's coked up. Ah, dude. It was for the gills to the gills like it was They were the fucking greatest thing That that time in life and I I know what they would go like the comedy store Listen, the first time I walked in the comedy store. I thought about two things I thought about comedy and I thought about my part in life how everything's just gotten taken care of You know, so when you're an open mic, you got to go do your comedy at the comedy works

But you got to go to aurora to pick up the coke That throws you off you got to get to the con you got to get to do a spot Now I gotta go to aurora with 30 minutes and drive back with it when you get to the con this store Everything you want is right there for you at a time in my life I didn't need that. Yeah Yeah, well, did you ever have a situation like that like that? Well, jimmy Was it free for you on the on the on the road because I like no it just it was it was the availability Somebody always had it and most people didn't want to do it by themselves. I mean, I'm so glad

I mean, I he's telling these stories. I gotta tell you. I mean, I I feel the same way I'm embarrassed by some of the things and and then the I would I mean, I wish I had half the I could go back and take at least half of those fucking nights back or Half those, you know days back. I mean, it was like a Five or six year run there was pretty pretty I sat with lia by the month to go outside on the side street We took a ride to the store and we stopped and got a you And we were stoned and we got on I started telling them just And it's not something that I you know

I was just explaining till he leaves a young guy And when I got into comedy, I thought the world was flat, you know You know, when I left new jersey, I had grown up with a type of woman Or I thought That had you know, they were straight, you know, I'm saying like for them once I left I heard about sugar daddies and women sucking dick and having a husband for $50 a week I heard all this fucking sickness that you know, you don't want to live with but in comedy You better be prepared for it

Because you're out there in wild america. You don't know all the dick suckers out there There's people waiting for you when you when you go to south dakota To a fucking army base And there's 16 women. They've been seeing the same guys. You're fucking Elvis to them Even if you don't have a credit You're the worst comment in the world You don't even need a credit there. They'll suck your dick just because you're an outsider. Wow You've seen the big city. Yeah, tell us about california

Are there really a lot of fans out there walking around and vegetarians and shit and you're like, I do not believe They're asking me these questions. Wow, but I was just telling me about sexual things like Things that happened to me and I was an ugly guy Could you imagine if I was a strong feature who was handsome with a nice physique? I Be tearing it up all I bumped into what coke course what coke animals that you sit here 10 years later and go Let me look her up on facebook and now she's got kids. She's got a loving husband Meanwhile, you tied her up. You let her on fire. She's got your dick on tape

You know what I'm saying? She swallowed your sword. You come on her eyeballs You know, this is way before the iphone, you know, thank god. There was no iphone around 15 years ago guys like you and me would be dead Dead because you know, you're a freaky fuck. We didn't periscope that No, I ain't periscoping that I want people to see me coming in a minute. You know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna do shit like that. Yeah, I just I you know, you make a great point I tell you what man, that would have been that would have been I I'm glad social media or the phones went around We had enough problems with a fucking bend a little on a fucking iphone and fucking periscope in that shit always smokes It was just a different time and now yeah, I've said it a thousand times comedy is a different animal

There's nobody pulling a mitch head burger on the road no more There's nobody. Well, you know using drugs. There's nobody going dog last weekend This fucking dude in cleveland drank 82 shots and caused the fight. That doesn't even happen. County no more There's no bad people like that in county no more. I gotta tell you it's uh, you know I mean most of the people you know are feeling sober or on their way to being sober and Don't drink anymore. It's become like a job now because people Dude, I remember the story about ollie joe prader and ollie joe praders his legendary dude

Apparently he was a stole everybody's jokes, but he was this kind of human cartoon of a character There's like a 70 sam looking like real life. How much of your way? Oh, he it was about 350 about 350 No, he was a lot bigger. Well, he towards the end he was but in his heyday, it's about 350 huge About five five. Yeah his big cowboy hat and his big beard And I remember I was the runner for the comedy star the guy was like mitzi was one of mitzi's guys She loved him and he like my angry you do me a favor and he was a huge guy like big It's like 350 370, but he was a small guy. He's just a big fat round dude in that like and Dude, this guy I this guy will walk up and he's getting ready to feature axon

And he's in the back of the room the office and he pulls that little 250 gram vials stuff and there's a Right up each nostril and he'd been drinking all day. He drank like a case of moose head Then he goes ahead and he's up on stage He wipes his arm He wipes his nose with his arm and his blood from the elbow down to the wrist and the whole line He goes, what's the matter? Nobody party anymore? Holy shit, but you will never you won't see any of that anymore because it's become a bit

I mean look man, I like it's so funny because like you're right. You gotta you gotta podcast You gotta do this. I mean there's stuff to do now. There wasn't stuff to do back then You could sleep to 12 get up burp fart. I open a beer go back to bed Whatever you want. I mean, you know that the road was like when you were doing is it was crazy It was it was fun But it's it's become something different now and you got to change with the times or you'll become obsolete You you said Joe you said there's no one crazy anymore, and I'm proud of this fact, but I think we might be the crazy ones We're doing 800 milligrams. We're doing mushrooms acid

It's a different style of crazy You know kennison was crazy guns and roses at the grammy's That's crazy when everybody's on heroin and you're on national tv and their heads are spinning and they're smoking cigarettes And they're looking at each other. They don't know where they're at and you know one of them had to be fucking 9-1-1 to get there You know You have no idea What uh, you have no idea even towards the end Let's pretend towards the end of the last two years of my comedy on coke. I was like kevin heart

It would have been ugly What do you mean like him because he didn't have the resources Could you imagine having that addiction you with the resources? It would be crazy and and and I said something like that To a friend of ours who's in the program and I go man I go, you know, I I could imagine if he didn't have anything going on if nothing was going on in your life I could see you going and getting the freaking gram and the story. I'm staying all night and he said no It's the opposite he goes now

I mean you got everything going on you get everything to lose and you have means to do it And you just you know, you just have that addict personality going. Yeah, man. Maybe uh, and you're right I mean, I mean kennison almost freaking old deed, you know, he wrapped his vet around a telephone pole You know, he's in this is sounds to his studio with cheap trick and they're going no We'll give you right home. We'll give you right home and he wanted to be you know, rock and roll He may see what I got put out what next you know, he wraps his vet around a telephone pole, you know, I mean imagine me I'm just can you imagine if every two nights you got a call Do you got to come pick up joey dears? You got to come bail out joey dears

You got to go to a bank and get two million dollars to post bail because joey Do you remember towards the end of tuba? Like this you're too youngly The last four years of tuba's life I mean he got into a shootout with fucking cops league Jesus. He got shot in the nut Did you know that no when all the east coast west coast? You know, if you look up tuba's last four years He got charged a rape and they threw him in jail and sug knight had to put up a million dollar bail to get him out

And he signed him in the fucking prison and that's when he wrote the double album. That's classic. That's fucking nobody's ever done that Nobody's ever done. He wrote an album while he was locked the fuck up And sug knight came to visit and he said what do you need little brother? He goes, I need to post bail for my appeal He gave him the million dollars or the five million, you know, don't don't fucking quote me on this And by the time he got out he went right from that fucking prison He said you gotta go get make to get that paper back And you know when you got a gun to your head

You'll fucking rap like fucking, you know, yeah slim Jim magoo. And that's that big fucking album That's that double album that came out if my memory serves me right Hey, he wrote he wrote it behind he wrote it in the joint He wrote what you make sense, man. Lee. He was in the news. Lee every Three weeks and I'm not talking Justin Bieber getting beat up in Cleveland. I'm talking He was shot out last night the cops was undercover cop him and some of his buddies It was like when Tyson was on top the morning I woke up You know like two days earlier. I was up. That's why I used to get coke

There was two spots in new york's today. I used to get coke on 143rd street Then 148th street So I know I'm lying to you guys 135th of Amsterdam But up the corner from that spot there was little bodega And I gotta tell you something jimmy shuber from 1979 to 1985 I copped at that joint Not because the cocaine was good But because up the corner there was a fried chicken joint Some Puerto Ricans who cooked chicken 24 hours a day. Lee. I wouldn't be able to pour you away. I know you

Lee, you would just pitch a tent. You would sling drugs just to eat fried chicken That's how good the chicken was and they had a little dog in front of there If he didn't like you the dog attacked you you had to go you had to walk No, no, this is real. This is 1980s. What's the fucking point? I'm trying to lay on you motherfuckers I don't even fucking know. Jesus christ. What was I saying? Have a brain for you were talking about the uh Where you used to cop used to cop at this place in this place. Yeah, but that was a different time period I'm you know, the point we're trying to make is oh, um

The guy getting arrested all the time to pop to pop. Oh, yeah So I fucking one night I read how fucking uh, no not too pop This is the night that Mike Tyson fought the guy in the street. The other boxer with bare knuckles green Membrane out of nowhere on the demise of Mike Tyson. Yeah, that was the beginning before it all went down Lee He got into a fucking fist fight in Harlem at three in the morning I got a question your big mic What were you doing in fucking Harlem? He was getting that chicken. It was like a food stand Uh, so it was a popular food stand a lot of people want to say so it was one one 35th in Amsterdam

It used to be 135 in Amsterdam from for me from 1981 To about 1985 that was one of my spots and let me tell you the funniest thing man. You were up above 110th street teacher Me on my high school Teacher told me he goes listen. You didn't hear this from me But the best coke and fucking upper Manhattan is 135th in Amsterdam park your car A block away walk up and right in the middle. There's a fucking club walk to the window Just talk to them in Spanish

That's exactly what I did and in those days they would sell me When I first started going to them it was 250 and 100 so 250 a gram 100 a gram, but it was And these guys were shooting that because it was their own little private disco and they hit it in the doors They would put the door jammed down and they would hide the coke in there and they would have two deal dj boots Uh turn tables right and in the middle they would have an electronic scale So they had a dance going on you walk straight to the back The dj would be mixing and they'd be weighing your blow pop pop pop a little little foil foil fucking perfectly Bam and you walked out the door with security. Somebody walked into his car

And they'd walk you out to the street and that went on 24 7 but in the nighttime they had the club In the daytime they had rooster fights Concentrate. Oh, yeah, this was the real deal one day. We got then they shot a dude outside He was dead and they still copped there was a dude outside from the whole organization Was it an event or why did they shoot a guy? It was it was a good saturday night. It was hot out The yankees lost. You know how it goes. I don't know Lee. They just shot him on the street We got there and the cops were there, you know with the

Blanking on the floor I mean it was 40 feet away from me But one of the guys that was in that disco was out there and he saw you and he goes all around the corner Even with the cops right there 100 yards away. They were weighing it right there in an alleyway. It's just a different You you could never do it. You have cameras. Yeah, you got cameras everywhere. Everybody's got smartphones and everything else. I mean you Is I'm shocked by the two pocket stuff. I like granted. I haven't done a lot of like research Oh, yeah, you have but everything I've seen on tv is like no, why do you think that was joe?

Why do you think you started to unwind like that? You just think the the success got to him? Do you think what what do you think? I mean because you sit there and basically you have life dicked if you can behave yourself If you could behave yourself You're putting out these albums. You're making millions of dollars You got life dick at least you can get a fucking house. Sometimes art becomes a reality You like you like that situation there Life in my dad's had a great heart You know right now. I'm sitting here. Let's pretend for some reason

I start getting into theaters Every time I do a theater Lee's gonna come to me and go listen The guy at the door. He says he wants to be a writer for you He comes in the guy remember you told me a story about Keneson went to a club in Chicago And one of Keneson's favorite comic was a comic from Chicago. That's a school teacher. He's still there now He works on radio or tv. Oh Steve doll Steve doll. No a different guy. Okay. I just bumped into him. He's old He's got six kids irish catholic. He has a bit about the bus driver with the snickers and the oh the candy candy

Of course, yeah, you know Keneson said that guy's still in chicago and now he Is like a dude at the radio station You know and he's still a comic and he made it that was making it for him and i'm happy for him He's a fucking great guy. What is his name? I can't remember. I remember i'm talking about this bit though. It's hilarious, but you know Even at the end, let's pretend. Let's talk about Keneson here Keneson was great. How many dirty dogs was canis and dragon? How many guys were on his case?

Telling him he was great Giving him cocaine that happens at every level not in this society. You know, no, no, no, I agreed absolutely 100% And then you know, I I happened to be touring with the dude But I mean, you know, I went on another tour with him because I wasn't one of those guys And we took out me and a guy named Dan Barton because we you know, there was no there was no drugs I mean some of these guys that you're out there with like, you know, Mitch Walter this guy could fucking score blow on a fucking convent I'm not even joking. I'm not joking. No, he's a bad mother. Yeah, he's still out there. No, he is

He just got his fucking hit replaced. I talked to him once in a while, you know, but I mean, he's one of those guys I mean you talk about being a grifter you talk about the term grifter and the way the guy was a card mechanic Not he was a card mechanic, but the guy could was a grift. He played the fucking horses I mean he grifted his way through fucking life, you know, and you know hooked up with kinesin and and like you said, you know The I mean that was like a way of life, you know, people don't realize you're surviving in fighting for every fucking nickel and you know So but yeah, he uh, yeah, he's still out there one of the funniest fucking dudes, too One of the funniest guys pound for pound. I can always make me fucking laugh In fact, Richard Pryor thanks him on one of the hours. Yeah, because Mitchell used to write all the

Yeah, yeah, yeah Mitchell real for laughing like the you know, these were the caliber guys I mean, there's carla bow Mitch Walters, Alan Stevens These guys are fucking legendary fun comedians that were around the store during the fucking during the during the strike and and guys and And you know these you know guys before like a class You know probably two classes before mine these guys were hanging out and just you know, it was uh It was a great education to me when I got to the store. I thought it was like college, you know I mean really I get to sit there and watch Robin Williams go up and I mean, you know

When I was there I got there 86 Like in 85 beginning 86. It's it was like dude. It was it was ridiculous 85 86 So you've been lurking for 31 years the other day at the airport. You said, you know, uh Maybe it's time to pack up my bag and do the dream away You know jimmy shoo, but guys like you want me to dream never goes away and away You ever see the john goddy junie interview for 60 minutes. No and he goes What happens if you get hit today? He goes are you fucking kidding me? I mean it's the age of 51

I did things that nobody does Nobody, you know Just being on a set one time for me would have made my life complete I would at least some of the loser edge would have gone away from myself. You've been a fucking big movie You've been on that that didn't matter for me at the time. Yeah, all I wanted was When I first came to LA all I wanted was Just to survive when I became a regular at the store It was the first time I was part of something and I

I I stuck to my P's and Q's as good as I could. I'm happy. I never got caught fucking up and bailed out of that I'm still welcome there. Yeah, we're lucky This guys that they went up to and said don't come back, you know Like the new town coordinator just told people either you're too old or don't come back That's why I don't call more than twice a week down there because I feel old as it is Yeah, but you know, here's the other thing too is like, you know, you still fucking roll I mean you look yeah, you and look at fucking, you know don Rickles I mean god bless him guys fucking 90 still doing it. I mean he's done Rickles for god's sakes

But look at Joan Rivers. I mean you see that documentary my favorite documentary about being a stand-up comic ever is the Joan Rivers documentary about You know piece of work. I mean here she is 78 every bit as funny as anybody 30 years her fucking junior takes private fucking jets To her fucking events works on the the shopping channel selling shit. She's got her daughter. Melissa. She's taking care She's doing the fashion police. I mean look at this bride. I mean she was a fucking icon And and just and and still going at 78 And died doing something she loved to do, you know getting getting surgeries But listen, you know, but I mean god rest her soul. But I mean, I mean she I mean look at that

I mean, you're right. But look at the could you still relevant? You're still doing it But I know what you're saying. It's a little freaky. I sit there all the time. It's like I'm living in a fucking dream I'm living in a fucking fantasy like a I go to Philadelphia the place is packed You talk to people afterwards people, you know, it's like a fantasy like I'm in the opening up for nick de paolo and dallas I'm going This is as good as it's ever gonna get for me Like this is yeah, but yeah, you know like and that's an honest fucking reaction No, it is and look at all and look where you come from and all the shit you've been through

I gotta tell you something I cast myself sometimes Because you forget. I mean you're too busy keep going you gotta keep moving you keep moving They sometimes when you find yourself You're sitting there and you just catch yourself going wow I did that I was able to do that I was able to check that off my list and get this done And this dog and all wow and all while like you said All that fucking crazy shit. I mean I I get up every day today. I thank god every day

I we got a bed and I I feel like a blessed man and I'm still able to make a living doing something I love to do and I'm really good at it You and I are trying to resurrect our old manager From the late 90s early 2000 Jeff getland we're trying to resurrect this guy because You guys have no idea the intensity of this jewish bulldog. I mean His great great uncle was definitely there To stick the nail in jesus's foot this guy

Was a torture chamber If you ever heard him on the phone talking of casting people or whatever and I gotta tell you some I've been here 19 years. He's still pulled off a dini move and the man is right here Jimmy shuber has no addition for a pilot and this fucking clown decides to pick up abroad And he's taking the coach and horses and gets his balls licked and he goes in the next day And he drank coffee and he got all paranoid and he ran out of there Jeff getland got him back in there The next day and they told the casting director that jimmy shuber had drank too much coffee

He stayed up all night drinking coffee Jeff getland did a move that nobody's ever done That nobody's ever pulled it's like the only person who pulled that move off was audrey meadows When she went to see jackie gleason and he told that she was too pretty And the next day he she hired a photographer and took pictures of her in the morning with no makeup And he showed her the pictures and Ralph goes that's her. I want to who is she and he goes same broad that was here yesterday And he was blown away Dude jeff getland sets up an audition for me. I'm coming in

He picks me up at the fucking airport with my bags Drives me to the audition waits for me to come out And I go and then fucking took me back to my joint I go there's no manager in the history of managers that I've ever met in my fucking life That would do something like that and that's what a real fucking manager does I wanted to get in that job that job was for one hour photo There must have been 300 guys going to read for the role with a fucking soccer coach. It wasn't a big part

It was a little part. I got to work on a three days with robin. Williams. I got to show him this photo I got this great picture of me. I'm on stage. I gotta be 1920 in the original room There's a picture of me There's a picture of robin. Williams and sam kinnison. They both got microphones and they're looking at me And I was this fucking young kid. I didn't know he weren't supposed to go on stage and then doing his improv fucking exercise It's one of my favorite pictures. I'll fucking show it to you After the thing, but it's it's it's it's a black and white photo in the original circa 1987

It's me from Williams and sam kinnison And I am the only motherfucker still alive in the fucking picture today. Jesus christ. Put that picture away, please Put that picture away. I don't want to bring no bad spirits in them. No, no, no chicken And I'll bring them down. I got the god rest of the picture I'm not killing a chicken I got one guy who died the other guy got forbidden. Please get those bad spirits out of here. We might as well talk about politics again Sorry

I didn't mean to I didn't mean to run through your bubble guard with a pin Someone brought it to my someone brought it to my fucking attention. Let me give some shout outs here Some great fucking people. First of all my main cousin Hamsel Diaz always posting pictures of my other cousin from cuba. He put you see the pictures My cousin was staying and fucking peter gabriel I'm about to shout out to my man brady fergusson Darren mckinnis Lonnie collins jr. Gomez

crystal with the new fucking hairdo and bobby Okay, spooky cleo jonathan santa braya david marwin maren And jim None your fucking business cocksucker. You know, I love you guys and don't forget for leashes at flappers All weekend two shows friday two shows saturday Uh, I'll be posting. There's no expectation tour in la working up to my special I got one two three four five six seven hours

From july 21st to october 11th to put this thing together jimmy shub is going to be a contributing writer. He didn't know He's working pro bono. Anyway That's it. I love you mother fuckers always be safe this weekend, you know You were just fucking around with the fireworks joey. Thanks for having me and bro. I'm not done here. Hold on We just take a little breather here. Oh, yeah, we'll do a bong hit. It's time for a bong hit I want to be around to pick up the pieces Somebody breaks your heart. Hold on one second. Yeah, let's fill this motherfucker. That's hilarious Up there. What lee what I just what I was on uh, freddie korea's podcast. Thanks for the invite number 100

Thank you very much. If you want to check that out, that'd be great. It was a really fun podcast They don't have enough on their fucking plate. I think I listened to another podcast Yes, they do because freddie is a great comic and freddie is a good fucking through here you go Who's up first give it to lee lee's ready for Dude, I'm already dead. No, it's okay. That's good. Yo, what do you mean? Okay? That's okay Put away the whip the horse is dead. You know I'm saying let's do this shit This is your father. You've been breathing like dr. Belize's your lungs should be in tip top fucking for dude right now You know how to do this your profession

I know how to do this. Listen, obviously there's not knowing how to do it. Isn't the issue Listen, obviously there's not going to be a fucking uh, uh, olympia in brazil We might as well have our little olympia in this fucking room. Yeah, brazil spent all their money bribing the olympic officials we got the games there They didn't even count on the zika virus and you get the fucking medals. Come on. Have you got while we're young here What are we? What are we thinking about? It's a little bong. It's a little I know an eight-year-old that does a bigger Come on, let's go

Yeah, I know Hit that Hit that soldier Unbelievable Yeah, no, no, we're here. Look Look at the goalie you fucking animal. Look at you. So I get it. There you go. Look at you You're like prince in 1999. Give me that fucking thing. Yeah, I'll fill it up for you But y'all let me burn some of the germs off

Look at this poor bastard I don't know I'm laring. I like what? Oh you This is Oh, shit Oh Fuck you think you're dealing with motherfucking you want a piece of this

I'm good, man. What's the story? You don't want to do? No, no, no, no, no, I'm just hanging out with you two guys. I'm sitting between you two guys. I'm Go stop over there and more pockets and fuck this spaghetti from la villa. Oh, that's exactly where I'm going Do you think Pagliacci's perfect you fucking deal dude. Have you ever been there man? I play being a magician eat that fucking Those two pigeons I remember getting coked out with two pages If you don't think that I want to kill the pigeons

That's fucking hilarious, bro. That's hilarious. Yeah, we put it in the house The whole thing the fucking star routine like we used to do I bust No, dude, I'm fine. I had like 18 I had like four bonheads. I'm telling you in training It never ends though. Like at least basic training ends Basic training never ends even black belts fucking go to work every day. You understand me. You're a black belt Fucking getting it together. Look at the fucking great things you've done. Lee. Look where you've come from zero to 100 You're like drake

You've come zero to 100 real motherfucking quick. You understand me It's pretty crazy. I mean how great I mean who the fuck knows what what we were talking about before the podcast went on it was You know when you're 22 you have these expectations of what you want to do your parents have this expectation Of what you want to do, but then it's like fucking what? They do Lee your parents. I'm just thinking about my parents. Yeah, your poor parents have expectations They help you through solids. They brought you big ziti They brought you brownies just so you can lean in the direction of that and you did well

You did well most most people do well, but guess what happens You do get a job in your field and that's it This is I gotta work indoors Fucking 10 to 6 it's fucking 82 degrees up And a lot of time people go, you know what? I'm gonna keep my nut alone. I'm gonna start landscaping And you start landscaping with a dude and he likes you and he gives you a raise Then he gives you a route and one day the guy comes to you and goes like a 10 days to live

You want to buy the business for 8,000 and you bought a business and here you're making 200,000 a year And you sit there and go. What was that econ degree for? That happens every fucking day. Oh dude We came out of here took a chance to come out here being editor And what's in the podcast thing fucking blew up. Wait, were you filming out of there? Uh, that that would have been a dream. I did reality tv reality tv. What'd you work in final cut pro? I haven't I haven't yeah, I haven't it's what are you johnny editor all of a sudden? No, no, I was I had

Some project I had to stick to what you know. He's a cheese man. He knows about cheese. What do you know about? What are you talking about? Not for nothing. Not for nothing chat loads that fucking cheese I had a piece of your cheese. My mom brought over on a sunday. It was tough as shoe leather tough like shoe leather chalotes I don't fucking think you're dealing with me son. Yeah, you think I'm dropping knowledge. Yeah, jimmy shoe But no, see right now if this is 20 years or I could take you in the back I have tend to do it smack you around for not knowing that For not knowing the movie your father You know by the way, I was thinking about this as I was leaving my house today come over, you know

I mean they have never like I mean Once in a blue moon because but there was never like the movies they made in the fucking 70s Sir Braco, I'll please I mean there's not You've beaten up a dead horse. We've destroyed that fucking subject not even fucking close. I was thinking about it I mean, I it's just so funny going You know because you were someone I was telling someone I think it's who's the fucking movie star There's no more movie stars who sells fucking tickets Marvel and fucking robots. Yeah, but that's

Nobody there's no stars. I mean other we have no american hero jimmy shoe You know why because they in 1932. We've had john wane. Yeah, we've had tough guys have you know, uh The guy who did the original scarface. I forget what his name was then you had Edward g robinson And then you had all these people the guy who did world the worlds and then you had these men who were men They showed pictures of them a formosa dressed with suits having cocktails with women dressed nicely Yeah, they all sucked dick, but don't get confused. It was a different era when I was growing up You had Clint Eastwood

Charles Bronson You know you had these people that and then rocky bow bow came along. Yeah, you had these people You look who do you look up to now a fucking robot? Well, I want to be like superman. You can't fly stupid Yeah, that it's ridiculous. I mean, I'm telling you and and the funny thing is is like they're all they all I was so funny. What was I watching that movie the hat field of mccoy's the one that was so Like a couple years back With the costner and and these actors and I'm I go out of the driving range over witson I'm gonna hit a couple golf balls

And I'm sitting there. It's the middle of that is nobody there the guy sitting in the neck I walk and I put my bags on and a guy in the next dog. Oh, you were just in the half field mccoy's As well Is I go, you know in the movie had this Tennessee accent? He's an English guy to roll English actors all the English actors all the Australian They all come here and they take these jobs. There's not a fucking American in the fucking lot There's not an American in the fucking lot. I mean Other than other than tom cruise and fucking leaner who's selling fucking tickets brad pit. I haven't seen it, you know

I mean, it's fucking nobody's really selling tickets because we don't see the bottom line We don't see what they do in china. We don't see what they do in australia and all those markets That's where they make their secondary They'll cry wolf till you're here in the states. They had a losing fucking market They don't lose a dime those motherfuckers a cut deal with vietnamese underground television To have their movie played on them. That's what people don't know. Yes forget about The work and film situation That is what has made guys like you and I god bless us

Lucky, yeah, because guys that we were character actors. What was the okay, we just Quoted a movie early a fucking sleepers That guy And you were in the same category. Oh, yeah, fucking you. It was his name. I finally gave him a tv show I think he's on something now, but he looks completely different. Yeah, and he's a good actor No, he's a great actor. Yeah, that was the lead you were in back there. You were right there Yeah, but every time you went to audition. He was lurking He was like he was there and freaking I you know a couple development deals

I had a couple of the deals that I had we shot a pilot a couple had a couple of those working And then I came up against guys were like, you know, it was yeah, you're right I mean I had I had a nice stretch there for like, you know about five or five or six years Just where you could go in and you I mean look you back then you pick up a Pick up a guest star on freaking er. You go in there. You work for a couple days You go make like, you know, but but now all the residuals from that went back when the SAG contracts were there I mean, dude now everything is I can't tell you what's up, buddy Oh, well, you were talking about selling tickets and it's crazy. They're they're selling tickets to some of them

but they're just they always say they're breaking these records but ticket prices are so high I just went and And Out of the top ever movies What number do you think Was the top grossing ever like out of every movie ever? What number do you think was a 2000? Just tell me. Tell me. Yeah

number There's jaws in there. Yeah, so it doesn't Get to number 11 the top 10 grossing movies all time or before 2000 and even before that like I think before 19 or you have more longevity. I know but I keep replaying them in markets. I mean, there's a lot of variables Yeah, but nobody else at the box. They keep selling me the same movie. So if I seen transformers one I've seen transformers two. I've seen transformers three. I've seen the whole fucking thing You're just we making the same fucking movie over and over again and selling it listen right now where you were hitting on earlier I just said

See it's just somebody somebody just sent me something on twitter And they they sent me a tweet saying that they've signed on to shoot death wish And lee and I sat here for two hours Figuring out who's going to play charles bronson And some people sent me steve bushemi and that's not going to fucking work Some people sent me fucking things that were ridiculous They were ridiculous. They were so far out of the game and it's not their fault

This is the shit they've been sold I thought about it with you or no, no, no people was straight up. Hey, man. I heard your conversation on the podcast I think you should go with steve bushemi You know, I think you should go with this. Who else did they recommend? Oh god, they broke it right if the american sniper Did they have a new too good look at no no first off they can't remake death wish. Do you know why you can't? Why don't you get a new movie because the rape scene is so

Fucking real brutal. Yeah, that it would never work today. It's like the beginning of the longest yard It would never work today But round take that bitch and smacks her in the mouth and throws her against the wall That would never work on television And me and look at that league every every like eight minutes Well, he realizes how high he is and he tilts his head back and he says a prayer going like But in all that whole two seconds He thinks about how he got here

And why he still comes here on a daily basis and how he could get right now leave town with paul and never come back He doesn't need this. He's a nice jewish boy There may be a real plan. It was really great seeing you the other day jimmy shuber because That day I didn't focus that night. I didn't focus on anything negative I have nothing negative To focus on right now I In my eyes lasted 15 years longer

That what I anticipated and you know what I did get into some good a good movie speaking of sad contracts I just got my second residual check from grudge match And you don't want me to tell you what it is. How bad it is It's embarrassing bad what I made on that movie, but it doesn't matter to me It was an opportunity. Yeah, I was there to fill the void for me. It wasn't even about the money It was about having the opportunity to be in the room with those dudes. I'm an ex fucking felon I was living in a rocket ship. I was stealing drugs. I was doing all these fucking then I came out here and got even worse At one point I was so fucking bad out here

I still remember feeling a chick at the denny's on sunset by rock and roll rouse under the table We're eating hamburgers and they're looking at me going are you fucking serious? Like on coke in my mind. She was ready to fucking go. She asked me to sit down and get a cheeseburger Like let's get a cheeseburger. Okay. You're great. She had a mini skirt on They're like grab that fucking kneecap and she looked at me like you come again. I'm like, what's the story? Nobody asked me to have a fucking cheeseburger She's like you better get up and get the fuck out. He had to pay for both cheeseburg Run out of it before she thought 9-1-1

Yeah, and now you're doing from all that what i'm saying is sometimes you gotta stop and think about that because you go I mean that is winning. That's a victory. I mean, you know, we were I know at one point in my life I was out there on the fucking edge But you know, you you're able to come back from it get a control of your life And look you were in a fucking movie with robert the narrow. I mean come on That's fucking impressive and you fucking killed it too, bro I mean, you did a fun fucking toe-to-toe with fucking robert the narrow What was was this acting 101? Huh? Joey coco Diaz method don't actor. He went

But I know but i'm saying dude you went from do you tell that story about basket balls basket balls From that to doing scenes with the narrow Dude Joey sometimes you gotta if I could give yourself a break go, you know, you know what you're right I did I I came back just crash you you sit I sit there some time Listen, there's not a day at one point when i'm showing When I sit there and i'm eating

That before nine o'clock I go back in my mind somewhere where Like i'm like where was I 23 years ago or something? And I look at my living room. I look at the balcony and I look at the cats and I got these two cats that are two brothers Harry and demmy Let's pretend I get hit by a fucking cardamom One of my greatest achievements is I save both those brothers

I look at them every night and every night they sleep next to each other with their heads next to each other No, they don't yes, they do yes, they do so they all one goes west and one goes east But their heads are two or three inches apart And at one point demmy who's retarded pops his fucking head up looks around wakes up And he gets closer to his brother and starts licking his neck Right and that goes on for about three minutes until harry wakes up out of his trance And he's like what a second this ain't a fucking white dream Is my brother licking my neck which means I have to lick his neck

And I'll sit there stoned to the gills Watching harry licking demmy's neck and demmy and this will go on for six or seven minutes Then they get more aggressive Then harry puts one paw up to to hold demmy because he's moving too much But demmy doesn't get it like his brother goes i'll lick your neck, but stop fucking moving Stop fucking moving already, but demmy like gets offended and all sudden they start swinging at each other For like eight seconds. They just throw And then one of them jumps off shakes his head and they're back to normal

He drinks water and they lay right back next to each other And i'm like that is my greatest accomplishment They say somebody knocked on that door and said we'll take the one cow. I'll never forget looking at my wife and going Let's get with the shot. No, we'll take them for a while and now that's my greatest I swear i'm so happy I did that Those two motherfuckers and I tell you what Their bond is so strong when we moved we left one cage with one down there and we brought the other one harry couldn't live without his brother

He was making the weirdest noises With his fucking mouth. It was scary as shit When we brought demmy back, they both started making the noise Then they snapped out of it like dr And they went back to me. I don't know whatever the fuck they talked. You know what i'm saying They're one of your friendliest cats. I love harry I love demmy It's jillish you but it's a pleasure

To have you on I got to tell you something One of the happiest days of my life is where somebody was telling me that they I went back to new york and I didn't stay but tell show I really kicked ass and I go who else was on it and they were like Such and such and such and such but they looked me in the eyeball and they go You know fucking destroyed them And when they said jimmy schubert I got goosebumps

And I was really happy But the first thing I thought of Two words Hard work Yeah, that's I swear to my mother's grave. That's the first thing that came to my mind. I go You know hard work and then the next thing was I'm not surprised you mother fuckers are surprised because

You guys don't do movies or whatever jimmy never stopped doing stand up. Now. Let me tell you something in 1997 When I met jimmy schubert, he was a real fucking headline So if that was close to fucking 20 years ago, they think he's doing now playing hopscotch Let's pretend he gets this much better every year Can you imagine and this is a guy that's still doing? 300 plus sets in fucking bejing and australian troops and you do 300 sets a year That's what you do as your training to get to the store those first Five six years of comedy if you don't have a lot with 300 plus sets

You're not going to make it your legs aren't going to be that strong when you come out here You've been doing that since I met you. But you know who else has been doing that? Me too my brother. That's right my brother and we're both. That's crazy. That's crazy that we kept doing it We what did I tell you on the drive home? I said this shit is not fair Because the funniest guy working out there that still has a craft beside guys like jimmy schubert is a guy like david tell Yeah, and but since david tell doesn't have a podcast or he's not hip Or this and that me if I'm meant to stand up at all levels. I want to see it at all levels Listen, man. I've said it a thousand times till the I love the puppet guy. He entertained when I'm stung on them a moron

Jeff whatever. Jeff donovan Peter. I'll fucking go. I'll pay 22 bucks. It's done. Let me tell you we all have different fucking taste But to see guys suffer on the road because you haven't been in a movie in two years or Doesn't make sense to me. Oh god, dude. I did and I'll tell you man And it's not a life for everybody and like you said you talked about you know You know, I've learned to become my own best friend on the road. I don't you know, I don't do carry on nearly At all. I mean I drink coffee and I do my thing and I go in there and I'm writing a new hour right now I just recorded my last hour my new my new special be out soon. It's called zero tolerance I did the whole thing produced at myself financed at myself

If I can boom one in there set up four camera shot in a 4k read did the whole joint. It looks fucking great I just got done doing the voice over for the opening animation But you got to keep creating and that's the one thing you got to keep going at us like you said I mean do before I got here. I mean this guy's like, you know Jeff uh, what was it? Jeff Altman Again with tour with the same set for 40 for 20 years with the same 45 minutes But that's what everybody did back then now people writing a new fucking hour every year I mean, it's crazy. But if that's what you want to do

But you know, I mean look at the guys like will we see Katie come on? It's just not enough to be the funniest guy anymore. You better be acting create your own series You got to be doing all that's they raised the bar man. It became a real job And thank god, you know, we're talking about all carrying on all that silly shit. We did it's become a real job now And you got to work at it. You're absolutely right. And and and the thing is it's like, well, great That's that's fucking awesome. You know, but you're out there you're doing it, but it's but I still love it I still like making people laugh. I still love that human condition Nothing I've done in my fucking life to come to close to walking in front of a room full of fucking 250 people

And just fucking just knocking it out of the fucking park. What about the pigeons you like that? I I still do a little bit of magic here at it. Yeah, sure The pigeons You know, it's like to do blow and have two pigs You don't know if they flipped already. I don't know if they got a wire on them I don't fucking know. I they were canaries. They were pigeons. Oh my god, you know, you have no idea where you go through Jimmy Schubert, I'm happy. I saw you the other day and made me feel better about myself. Yeah, man. Me too, dude I'm glad we're ever hook up and do this work and

What were your next couple dates? Next couple times I'm gonna be in Chicago in July. I'm going back to Philly just to visit my family with my girl And uh, you know, she's going to go back to school there in Philly a temple I'm going to see my mom and dad hang out with my brother joey's I'm going to stay at my brother joey's joint see my nieces and stuff You're not going to do that thing where you rent a room in somebody's house and eat dinner with them like the commercial Oh, the air bnb. Yeah I'm gonna fucking do that

I'm gonna go stay with my family. I got friends and family back there All right, brother. My brother told me they got the room. What's that matter? No, because it's hip to have bnb This young generation wants to stay at creepy people's house and take a chance like go to the cosmic room You know what I'm saying? Hold on. Let me open it. You're staying in the cosmic room. I got this for you I did fucking back in back when I was doing I can't wait back when I was traveling in comedy and doing the road I was fucking staying in comedy condos. That's all the air fucking bnb Let's get some fucking opening act jerked off into the mayonnaise. You couldn't fucking eat nothing I can't wait till people start taping rooms. Oh, it's already happened perverts the path

I know there's people setting up Oh air bnb cameras as we speak they converted filthy people that said oh my god. Wait a second I could rent the house to a family and get the whole family in one bedroom. This is paradise This has to be this is watch watch where air bnb goes. We'll be tell you so I remember when fucking air bnb first came out I was checking around and I was looking I was looking for like a vacation spot and you could rent a fucking giant tp in fucking and Somewhere in colorado for like an air bnb. It was like a giant kind of had bunks in it and stuff

But it was a giant tp you go back there and have that experience if you want, you know, I'm saying I don't want that experience You know, I'm saying chief chief two talks all I gotta do is send lee and my right now if this was 30 years ago All I have to do is send lee around the country and he check out houses and tell me where they put the key And I'll do the rest a week later. We don't know nothing We don't know nothing. What are you talking about? I'm not a burglar. I'm a computer fucking nerd I came over here to go a fucking comic con. I even bought tickets. What are you talking about? You're insulting Look at my record. I'm jewish. I don't have you fucking suit

My uncle will fucking own that fucking air bnb house. Don't be called sciat bnb. You understand me? Hey, let me ask you a question. You got a cheese steak when you're feeling No, I didn't yeah, good for you Would you uh 53 years old? I got one for the grave when a banana peel I go wrestle with young kids today I slept four hours last night But I went to the I couldn't go I had a meeting at once I couldn't go to jiu-jitsu So instead I went to the whatever class I go down there

You got to look at your fucking thing now and go, huh? You know every time I go down to the draw blood I'm waiting for bad news. I gotta go bob hopin next tuesday at 9 45 and give him blood Right now, you know, my head is right now in hell. Well hell. I'm thinking about right now during the podcast night I was thinking about when you were talking about politics. I went queasy in this motherfucker. That's what happens Lisa. Yeah, what's up with you? My brother sitting there like a zombo de la moque Talk to me you bad motherfucker. Who loves you more. Uncle Joe. Your dad was here. Yeah, what do you got this week? And what do you got tonight you're going out? He's slinging dick. What are you doing? No, I'm not doing nothing. I'm not doing no discos this weekend with the girlfriend

We might do something exactly. It's funny when you guys were talking about doing stuff Facebook has this feature now on this day And so I look back and it's always like going to work doing homework Like I like I feel like having any done like a whole bunch of shit Won't stop writing stupid shit on there. That doesn't fucking stop I see every two fucking things from you. I'm like, what's he talking about? Why is he on facebook talking about this shit? Oh, what are you talking about on there half the time? I don't know you're at home eating starji

Your periscopes are very good But your facebook. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know man. You tell me you're talking about fat people in trump What the fuck was that? That was a stupid joke. It was really hot Well, the next time call your mom and tell her run it past her first before you put it on facebook, all right If she giggles then put it on facebook You're gonna put a trump joke on her that joke hurt my fucking feelings Because there's something about fat people going to canada. I need that in my fucking life canada won't take me That means they ship me back to cube. I lose 200 pounds and you're jewish you stay here and

Get an attorney and move back to Boston eat wings and fast food. You live in your mom's basement in captivity The fuck in hiding What the fuck it's cool. I love you guys First of all, let me yell out these sponsors here that I love with all my heart. Number one on it The best my protein show of choice always the hemp protein chocolate I know there's the acai and everything dude. I love the alpha brain. I had the alpha brain Listen, the alpha brain is like doing coke without coke either. Yeah and shroom tag I mean the great is a great product dude. I've I've taken I've ordered it

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The hemp ghee comfort It don't fit me and I need to drop like 80 more pounds and then I'll fit in the fucking ghee But that don't matter that bag is the bag of many uses. You know why? Because I don't know where that bag was when I was smuggling cocaine This bag got more secret compartments. It's got a water thing I put the water in one and I put the backup water I put the protein powder with the nose spray and the fucking uh the sweat towels that you put in water I put my water in cell phone the one compartment has knee pads and older knee pads

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I want to thank on it. I want to thank datsu sorrow. I want to thank my man, chris I want to thank jimmy two shoes and I want to thank you guys for a great month and also I want to fucking also say happy 4th of july give me the national anthem You know what i'm saying? Let's fucking do this and don't give me the game arenas because you'll assault me this time I'll stab you with one of these water bottles. Let's go big. Let's go fucking deep Let's take them into the murky waters of the underworld. You understand me Listen, let's go leave. What's the problem national anthem N-a-t-i-o-n-a-l

a-n-t-h-e-m whatever I know the n-s-a took it off my uh, what happened? They took it off for copyright reasons? No, they took it off my whatever it's my my cheese. Just christly. I need for you to have this on fucking I need for you to be able to press to No, no, no, no, no, no, I want the heavy duty one. I want a little bit more. That sounds like the fucking choir The boy's town choir, you know after they spent the night there Joey go go they're all jammed up. They don't want to sing Up all night back there

You're up all night. You want to wear a robe and put on a batman episode Lee, what's the story? It's got an eagle with a big marine in there shooting somebody. There's a chinese guy yelling. That's the video you want That's the national anthem you want. I'm looking for lookage. What are you looking for? That was he was playing a star spangled banner before whatever. I don't care something american No, he was over here playing a star strangle banana, bro. He's over. He's playing something. Come on. Lee hit me I'm sorry. I had on my thing. Why would you take it off? I didn't I don't know what happened

Get me a good anthem, Lee. You're slowing down my pace here, Lee I was all emotional fucking charged up for this And now let's say you broke the fucking spirit I was ready to go off. You understand me? Oh, jesus christ. It sounds like you have to 10 stars Just put fucking the regular song on I love you guys America fucking raise your chins your bad motherfuckers. We ain't scared of nobody. You understand me tragedies Whatever it's here accept it and fucking go out there with a smile grab your balls until all these motherfuckers to suck your dick You're back like fucking herp. Hold on one second

What happened? Fucker What I do have it This is what I gotta live with Let's see. Come on. Lee. Let's go Oh, jesus christ. Here we go crank that motherfucking meal Frank and Lee stop ha ha I'm losing my rap beer

It's the 4th of july weekend and never forget you're a fucking american. You understand me? You kill you stab whatever the fuck you need to do. You're a fucking american. You understand me? Stop with the bullshit. Don't let me catch you on the phone like a fucking fruitcake Shine your shoes stop fucking crying about the economy and they'll lend immigrants in you got to outwork the fucking immigrant You understand me? You got to outwork the immigrant Why should the fucking armenians have fucking? Uh Those nice cars. I like this one. They'll lexus because they know how to negotiate. You're a dumb fuck

You've got a four from 1980 Grab your fucking heart Salute the flag you fucking Dirty I'm out of words. You broke the mode forget about it. You you it took too long. I was fired up. I had a little Sentimental speech. I was gonna shut it to you. I'm part of this You know, I love you. I don't give a fuck. Let's play some fucking musically. I love you guys We'll be back Monday ready a fucking rock and roll. Thank you. Have a happy 4th of july

And keep your fingers fucking, you know Don't become a shop teacher because that's what a guy does when he loses a finger That's right. It doesn't make a difference where you think you could be the financial advisor You go down the 4th of july you blow off two digits. You become a shop teacher. That's it. You lose all your street cred It's your dick together. Have a great weekend. Be safe uncle. Joey loves you Peace Goalie This show was brought to you by datsozara

Go to dsgear.com and use codeword joey to save 5% on their extremely high quality functional gear made with hemp textiles They have bags, geese, rash guards and much much more. It's codeword joey to save 5% And the show was brought to you by onna.com Go to onna.com and use codeword church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products Like afrobrain, newmood, chum, ticamune and chumtech sport. That's church to save 10% off Leah you're slipping time Oh, shit

She is a life support house Now she's a cool, cool girl She is black and cat And if you don't get her name Well, you know my heart's ringing fast She's got a lot to kill Let it go She's got a lot to kill

Let it go She's got a lot She's got a lot to kill She's got a lot to kill Now she's a cool, cool girl She keeps her motor clean You can't believe me She's a noble queen

Don't try to fight me tonight She's looking out of my door She's gonna turn on a juice boy She'll turn on a flower She's got a lot to kill Let it go She doesn't look sad to kill Let it go

She's got a lot She's got a lot to kill She's got a lot to kill She's got a lot to kill She's got a lot Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

ooh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Thank you.