Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #394 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: July 4, 2016

Kate Quigley, Comedian, host of the 2016 AVN Awards on Showtime, and host of  the "#DateFails: Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.  Recorded live on 07/03/16

This show is brought to you by me on these Go to me on these comms last Joey right now to get 20% off of your first order You can also save up to $8 a pair with the me on the subscription plan and don't forget shipping is always free in the US and Canada So go to me on these comms last Joey right now and get 20% off of your first order This show is also brought to you by texture Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture comms last Joey You'll gain immediate entry to all the top magazines including back issues and bonus video content Start binge reading for free right now when you go to texture comms last Joey

That's texture comms last Joey and go to on it.com and use code word church to save 10% on all the great optimization products like Alphabrain new moods from techimmune and shroom tech sport I Coming at you cocksuckers 4th of July happy happy 4th of July motherfuckers Look for a Chinese guy and get those fucking fireworks half off today Today they're half off 4th of July. You're gonna get stuck. What are you gonna do put them in your basement listen to this groove I got for you cocksuckers kick that kick this mule. Lee kick this motherfucker Lee kick this Lee

Don't worry about nothing Lee kick this motherfucker kick it The 4th of July cocksuckers it's America's birthday. What smoke that fucking flag to their motherfuckers the church of what's happening now. Oh shit Get up cocksuckers The beautiful day to be alive motherfuckers make it happen Fucked up to the gills uncle Joey, what? Hey quickly living in the van Listen to that bass kick that Kick that mule make a lot of me all the way. I want to hear this fucking bass

That's a black shoe playing that fucking bass listen to this shit It's connected to his fucking hand And we go Fuck yeah, Kate Quigley's in the house Fresh from the Roosevelt Hotel a.k.a. Chlamydia Central That fucking place you go in a pool and you get that rash Lee got up in that jacuzzi and that fuck I hope not we went to a jacuzzi up the fucking bad mountain with his girlfriend It was a romantic jacuzzi got in the tub that was fucking sperm in there from 19

He came back with fucking psoriasis and the fucking shit was the worst. I always get it and it's I can never go anywhere Did you really get a rash from a hot tub? Yeah, I got a rash and a stye a stye in your eye Yeah, I might because I was an idiot and went under the water, but oh It's a jacuzzi. Oh, I just got in when you say you at the Rosa belt Yeah, I put myself in your body and in your mind and your eyeballs for 30 minutes Just to see how the guys act, you know Kate Kate come here. We buy you drink you want to meet her friend He's producer kayak come here. Say hello to Kate. That does happen. Kate is beautiful woman. Thank you Thank you. Actually, though, I went thinking before this is the character of

Introducing to his friend kayak So you can get it together and start a production company. I mean, right that happened. I got offered several roles Actually, I took two girlfriends today who are much hotter than me And so it was kind of fun because I just sat back and I want and I let all the guys just talk to them And and I wasn't drinking so there was no reason for me to talk to anyone really You know there's somebody down that pass on Rufi's. I actually a guy did come up to me and offer me a drink Yeah, yeah One guy came up and offered a drink to my friend and I made him drink it first in front of us

When I fucking talk to you, I think all the things I got to do with my daughter like early on like don't talk to motherfuckers Just don't talk to them. They don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing Just keep fucking walking, you know, it's so funny because my stepdad like instilled that in me that like all guys We're up to no good to the point of where it took me a long time before I would even like talk to any guys Because I just thought that they were all trouble and that's all but now I've gone the complete other way Because I feel guilty I feel guilty for pre judging guys when I first meet them if they seem bro-ey or douchey now I try to be nice and give them the benefit of the doubt. So now I'll talk to anyone. That's what's happened I'll talk to anyone. You gotta fucking stop that shit. No, it's good. It's a good guys you this hypnotist

I know I knew a guy that became a hypnotist and I guarantee he left in a rush and I always think of that if he left because In years of these women are gonna fucking wake up and go he banged me when I was under no way We'll do guys will do a lot of crazy shit. Yes. I know guys will do crazy shit I've done some crazy things, but I was never really over the top Like I knew as I was doing I was like wait a second You got to check yourself joy or you got to do is jerk off and this will all go away these creepy emotions and all these Shit, is that true? What do you mean? That's all you have to do is the minute you jerk?

I'm gonna explain some to you how this works. I go out to a club Right. I bump into Kate. We start talking Kate thinks I'm handsome. I'm a young 24-year-old guy. I got abs and shit I'm smooth from Chicago. Yeah, I talked to K. I'm smooth from New York Yeah, I don't hit on you, but I take your number to take a date, you know, and And I ask you where you're gonna be tomorrow night or something like that, right? Right, this is so weird because this happens to guys a lot. Yeah, then tomorrow night I'll go out and I get two or three numbers or whatever and I'm a good-looking dude I make okay money. I'm college educated. I share a condo with some dudes

I was watching boomerang last night. Have you watched boomerang? No boomerang is an Eddie Murphy movie. He plays a marketing executive Oh, yeah, you should have seen his fucking apartment like waterfalls and fucking 10 TVs they're watching the Nick game and there's 10 TVs and fucking You know the kitchen and you know it caught in New York City and you're looking at this going this is 10 grand a month Yeah, you know, then you could invite women up You can't invite women up and you got a roommate and his name is Lee and he's watching the fucking ESPN He won't he don't get the hit Lee get the fuck up I made salmon for it and you want to talk about fucking the Boston trade

That is the worst one. There's roommate. There's a roommate. I just wanted to grown up. There's just so many little fucking things that But back to the story. Okay, so now I got six numbers. Yeah, so I come home on that. I have a few cocktails I do a couple lines of coke. Yeah, I get home about one And you know what man? I start dialing You start dialing those girls real all of them. Well, you got six so now you're gonna get one of them You got you're in a great position because you got you're calling you're calling up. Are you texting up? Whatever what's happening? Cuz I met you the other night. No shit. Where are you? I'm at the club. Listen. I got some booze

I got a grandma blow. Why don't you come over here? I got my girlfriends with me lose them You know, you put them on the fucking surprise you said lose them and not just bring up Yeah, but who the fuck what I got a deal with three bros now. I'm trying to get the one now I got two of them. We got me the roommate. You got I got no Lee as a roommate. I'm a handsome young You know what man That's how it works. I go home with six numbers. I'm gonna call them Until one of them says yes or no or maybe tomorrow. What are you wearing? I got a hot bikini on for you right now Okay, now I'm left with a thought now. I got one place to go. I got either fucking

No, I got either fucking one of those sites to get a hooker or something like that So now before you do this, you've already called all your numbers. Yeah, you throw on fucking you porn Yeah, bang one out and next thing, you know all those emotions you had all those Gone really fall asleep You're dicking your hands and shit with the coke still there the next morning. That's true That kind of works for me too because yeah, it takes the that's it This is what you want. Anyway, this guy's gonna call you back in an hour when he finishes at work an hour Yeah, you don't want to wait an hour. You're hot and bothered right fucking now to make this work

You got to get in that uber right fucking now I have a question about this because I always wonder this because I imagine guys when they're in that mind space when they Want to hook up that bad that they probably don't hit up one girl in them No, they hit up all six at once right well, no, no, no, no, that's you don't sound like all of them No, no, that's amateur game. What happens if you send one all of them and feel them out Oh, you are you call them you have your old school that you call guys don't call you got a call Yeah, I like the call. I got a call. What's going on with you? You okay? Do you need anything? Where are you it's two in the morning. What do you got any? I don't know though if I just met a guy

And I don't know an argument with some guy at the bar. I feel terrible. It's so happy that you called I've been thinking about you bam. That's that fucking quick and you've been there Kate You've been on the receiving end of that you met some guy on Tuesday and now Friday or this house You tied up and you're thinking about your life like what the fuck happened to me I was at a bar with six of my girlfriends now. I'm gonna be tied up Like vodka, you know, it's it's fucking crazy how Hooking up lifestyle. I was talking to Lee one night. We got back and I've mentioned this in the podcast four or five times because It was devastating kid. I'm 53 years old. I've never considered myself like a good-looking guy

I'm never really like, you know, you give me ten lines of coke. I'll go up to fucking Naomi Campbell Tell her I'll push these back Like I just go I'll just say something to throw you off balance and either you bite the hook or I walk out of there alone Yeah, I'm saying like I come up to you when I was 28 I come up to you with a grandma blow is good Look at the jungle Kate. You want to talk to this fucking accountant? Listen, I'll suck your fucking pussy till the bugle comes out Get your drink. Let's get out of here. I just turn around turn on I just turn around walk out and I look back three steps later. If you were walking with me. Oh my god, did I look out? You know, oh my god and turn and walk off. You got that would work on me

It totally works. It's Anthony Robbins cuz then we're like what the fuck just happened. Let me follow you. Yeah, you do Blah. Yeah, listen, I got a car. I got coke from the Colombian. You watch bottle. Let's go. That really does work Yeah, let's go back to my house. I got some wine. I put a coke wrap in your Clint I'll hit it with a hammer. You understand me and then you just go and right there the girls doing that You see what's happening now? Are you fucking telling me this and doing a more rigid thing? I heard Coke and Clint and I'm like, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, women would just look at you and go are you fucking with Todd? Oh, they look at you and go What about my boyfriend? Just follow me. Oh My god, and I was telling me for an hour. No, I'm not a good-looking guy

I don't play percentages, you know, you watch guys play percentages when you go out with your girlfriends Yeah, you sit back and you go watch these guys. These are percentage guys They just go from broad Broad you talk to 12 you're gonna get three numbers You're gonna bang one of them even if you got a little bit of money a BMW 5 at the pool on a Sunday I talked to 12 bros You're right. You're right. I'm gonna tie one of them up on a fucking Tuesday night when she least expected Yeah, you're right for the Viper room. Yeah, totally. She didn't shave. You know what I'm saying?

Like I just brought a hose you didn't shave the monkey Shit up hot sounds good. It's just so crazy how I was telling me this shit And it and I the more I talked to Lee the more I was jogging my memory of all the disgusting comedy Disgusting drug-induced Disgusting sex that you had Disgusting just disgusting like you sit there and you go one of these women thinking 20 years later like it was just a disgusting probably barely remember

They probably were just as fucked up as you were on whatever that night and I couldn't even sleep That night from telling you were telling the stories. We're all coming out one. Well, here's the thing I think it's not that they forget. I think that that one night with that story is their entire Party story list and you and you run off like 40 in like 30 minutes That could be that that night to them is because like I I recently had like a crazy Sexcapade thing happened where I was at first kind of embarrassed about it And then I was like no, but it's cool now I had like a wild crazy sex story like for them they could be like you were there you were the wild crazy sex guy

These people are crazy way before I met them. I just happened to be there at the right place right time They were gonna blow somebody. I just happened to be You know standing there or just whatever going I remember going to that being in my hotel being in the condo across The craziest condo ever was Miami improv coconut Grove. If you chose the hotel You had a walk three or four blocks. The only thing you had by there was Pollo trucker cow, which is fucking tremendous. It's Pollo local only with Cuban food So it's quick to like a bowl with black beans and a piece of chicken here that out of it It's that chicken that as you're eating that you could taste the tea is they could beat it

They stabbed it. They put it in the cage y'all they killed the mother in front of it. You know That's the best kind the best kind They fucking do things to those chickens, but that condo was Let me tell you something when I think of that sometimes like I'm driving and I think I condo I don't even think of a woman. I just think of the condo and my dick gets hard I gotta shut up. I gotta step it up. Really? I'm gonna tell you how dirty the condo is I would tie women up every time I go to that condo And I went back ten years later and all the ropes. No, we're still hanging. No, let me tell you something

This is where it gets even sexier. It was a bed that folded into the wall. It was Miami vice condo for one So you had your own private balcony overlooking the pool. You had a kitchen Fucking the place would freeze up in the summer like I love it cold women would freeze to death in there I'd put it down to 40. It would freeze. They'd be fucking ice on the windows It had a living room, but the bed pulled out of the wall Murphy bed like you just be dropping them on and all you get them you get them down to the bikini All of a sudden the bed would just come down And there you go, it's over you had the AC in Miami down to 40. Oh my god. I broke it twice

Shut freeze up when I was doing coke because I'm in there snorting coke You tie these girls up and leave them there to freeze to death and just go out I'm leaving tied up all night wake up in the morning and wake up before them and watch them realize That they were what tied up and they'd get up and sometimes I cut them loose the night before but sometimes Holy shit, they must have freaked out the fuck out when listen when you're doing a ball And you got a grandma and your pussy and it's caramelized the freaking out is over. You understand me the freak You got coke snots coming out of your pussy Oh my god, it's disgusting. I think of the stories one night. I went to that

I did coke till like four in the morning by myself. I jerked myself off to death I can't do this no more to find the woman I walked down to the news cafe and I started talking to this girl that was a 12 My boyfriend just left fuck him. I'm gonna suck somebody else's dick Captain America's right here back to the condo and she said if I could do a headstand she would take her clothes off. I Couldn't even do a fucking push-up. I did a headstand for the sake of she asked you to do a headstand To fuck her if you could do a headstand you're getting this pussy. I think I'm making it too easy for guys I need to start being like get on your fucking head like I've never done that crazy

Crazy stories Couple that she was a fucking medical student. He was a pilot and he was gone. They had just graduated college I would talk to this girl the way I'm talking to you for a year like at the bar her boyfriend was the bartender Working to be he was like an apprentice pilot for the airline Yeah, this is how he was paying off his loans and she was a medical student like sweet polypure bread I would talk to her and him like this like how are you what's going on? Yeah Something happened they put him in the back bar. I Would talk to this girl talk to this girl

I will you and I talked to her girlfriends would come her brother would come to the comedy club because they don't like the boy It's my bartender type attitude, right? You know science you bring her friends and I'd be the comic I'd be the feature act every other fucking week I was in Miami as the feature act so I talked to every fucking girl I knew all the girls I came out and one year I go down and I'm there way before my wife This is I'm down and I'm not even you know when you're not even thinking about it It's not even yet. It's fucking no, I don't know it's Valentine's Day. Nobody's gonna suck a dick randomly I'm Valentine's Day talking about that's like the day to do it if you have a boyfriend not to go to the bar and hook up with

Somebody right bar whining that he has to work What kind of man works in Hollywood and I'm sitting there going and I'm not I'm minding my own business I'm and wasn't she goes she comes on. She goes. Do you do coke? Yeah, I do it She goes do you have an echo? Yeah, she goes to give me a line kind of buy a line from you go No, I'm gonna go do a line right now, you know Whatever just walk me to the bathroom now give it to you She goes no because then people know walk to the thing over there by the parking structure So I walked to the parking structure. I give it two bumps

I do two bumps we talk about while we talk we talk we talk we talk we talk And I don't know how it happened My dick popped out of my pants and she dropped her hands and knees. I don't know how it happened I don't know how a great guy story by the way. No idea how it happened Wasn't creepy like I couldn't be creepy whether I knew it. Well, so something had to happen Do you have like a shorts on the head like the fly? His dick did not just pop out. You hold your dick out. No, no, no, she's not in but in but no, no, no It seems like she went for it. She took your dick out talking about some and she was like talking about that

You had underwear on yeah nice underwear. Okay, Valentine's Day. Oh, she had a Sam I had a Sam so I go, let me see him what she just dropped his skirt and she had a thong with her ass on fire the whole thing I touched it. She turned around touched my helmet one thing led to the other you Pull it out. Next thing, you know And then we go back to the thing she sits there again. I do the show I come off. I'm like, you're still here Let's go do another line. When did another line? Bam again now. This one. This was how crazy this was This went on wait this all happened in a parking lot This all happened on the third floor of the second floor of a mall

The second floor of a mall right before you go to parking It gets creepy we continued our relationship Like I didn't go back down there for like three months and I got back down there. I see him And I think we're gonna fist right. He's like, how you doing? I missed you He goes me and the wife were just talking about you the other day. I'm like, they got married. No, no, no They were like engaged and shit. So now nothing else that happened between us. He goes you should call it. She wants to talk to you He gives me like at the phone number and I'm at the bar and I'm like, what's up? How are you and I you're gonna come down here Don't know what you felt the animal. She goes, who's this Joey?

Did she close the phone down? I go. I'm in trouble about 10 minutes later phone It's like Joey it's free. She goes. Oh my god. I overreacted. Where are you? I'm at the end part She goes, I'm coming right down. What this one on that's a crazy person. She's crazy This one after six months that she will come down and four drinks. I get a package. I tell him We're gonna go to a bar. We'd go to the condo. We'd get it on and we come back late nothing happened Here's what gets even creepier. This is where it gets even creepier. This would happen at 915 because I wasn't the headliner. I was the feature right after he came off We've come right back at 915 and go it was kind of empty the bar

Then this is where it gets fucking crazy At about two I would walk over to the dolphin bar and they'd be there And I'd sit with them and he'd tell me how she needed a line of coke and I go Let's go and we go to the bathroom law. No, right with him in the booth. We get it on the back Jesus Christ. It was horrific. What kind of boyfriend sends his girlfriend to get a line of love with a guy married And then no, no, they weren't married. They were engaged and they were nights I would get back to my condo at four or five and call him dude. He knew he knew he had to know I would call him He was a drunk

So I would call him at five and he goes, how are you? We're all here party and come over like I can't I'd be Coked up to the gills. I go. I can't come over and he go you want to talk to I forget what her name was when I talked I go come over quick. She'll give me 15 minutes. I'll pass out She pass out. She'd come over at five we'd 69 for an hour She'd go right back over there and sleep and wake up with him. I'd and I'd never question. I Never said nothing. Did you ever feel bad? At that time listen at that time I was a feature I'd get in 600 a week just trying to fucking do what get by I was just trying to be a comic and

Write jokes and this was part of my lifestyle Don't you think he knew though? Listen, I got on a bus one fucking time to go to Buffalo And I met this girl and three minutes and she's telling me how she's the best stripper in Syracuse But she had to leave Syracuse because the health department was looking for For health code violations and show you the check had syphilis or some shit Yeah, I had to go dance for a week before they caught up with her. I don't know what she had I don't know what she had there's stripping your health code Violation in New York at the time. I guess so

Okay, again, and she's like do you have any money and we fucked right in the box I mean, this was a comic's life. I am a comic. I don't have this life. You have no I want that life kind of being in Detroit I had a comic I've been talking to this girl about her boyfriend for an hour and then her going do you want to go? Smoke a joint me and my girlfriends. Yeah, we go to a bar with shooting pool She goes do you want to write back to the hotel? Absolutely. She goes. Let me get my right back. I'll come back on the way That she's telling me how she likes it in the ass People are coming harassed. That's her main fucking thing. No one ever said that to me. I'm sitting there going how is this late?

Possibly happening if I was good-looking I could see but I'm just a dirty fucking time. It's cuz you're funny Girls look funny dudes. We went back and had a relationship She had a boyfriend that was on the road whenever I would come to I would just come to Michigan Just to stay with her for a week. You're everybody's side piece and here's this is where it gets even kinkier her husband lived in the house It was one of those dirty white people families where they got divorced, but he won't leave Oh, he fucks chicks next door and she fucks guys next door and the kids live in the basement. Oh Yeah, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I could write a book just on those Those those ten years being in Idaho and the fucking like the guy under the general on the base is blowing me behind the curtains

Like the guy under the general on the base and everybody kept saying to me a guy No, no, no, the chick that don't know the guy under the general His wife is now we get real this is what gets crazy his wife is give me a blow job behind the stage Hmm and all of a sudden somebody opens the curtain and I turn around Guess what you think she fell off my dick? Oh, no, she no she held on to that Johnson and I dragged it for like four feet Dirty feet this is just you're lucky to be alive. You're lucky that no one's husband killed you I was you know, I was talking about El Paso and El Paso in the old days the week started on Tuesday and ended on Saturday

So Tuesday was hookup night. You need to hook up Tuesdays or Wednesdays with some fucking Mexican chick down there and by Friday she'd be coming back introducing you to a husband. Oh, you're going I Never asked you you never said nothing No way it was you go on the road and you really find out About the human mind like years later at the commie store There were comics that would get their dick sucked while the girls were on a date They get up to go to the bathroom the comics would take them in there and they go right back and sit next to their dates You know, and you know you can't does this you can't say nothing bad about these people because after a while

I started looking at it as human behavior that you get into experience You know people live for a hundred and I could see if I had a big badass car Or if I was Johnny Vellacci or if I was a gangster But at the time I was just a dirty comic going from time to time doing 25 minutes and you really learn about Fucking human baby about fucking no Listen I come in a minute and in those days I would come in 30 seconds man Shut up me too kind of so it's it's it's kind of fucking embarrassing like these things happen But I sit there sometimes and I feel sorry because this is somebody's mom

I was telling me when I was in Boulder, Colorado. I'm doing blow. It's four in the morning. I can't find my roommates coke He's got it with him. I gotta go rob him at this party. I get to this party I go downstairs and check because you want to play ping-pong We're playing ping-pong a euphemism for real Chinese ping-pong pop pop pop Next you know, he's got a ping-pong where you take your shirt off if you lose that's how you bled next You know, she we're both naked. Oh, and you know, she's telling me how she has to get up in two hours and go To her son's little league game, huh, you know, and here I am fucking putting coke rocks in her ass in 69 I don't think it's that bad though. I feel like it's terrible. No

No, it's not you're young and you're having a life. Oh at the time at the time. Oh my god last week You're allowed. I'm just starting to have a life. I'm just starting to do that shit. I'm just starting to I'm just starting to learn The casual sex. I never did it and you're inspiring me because you know, it's disgusting. That's not casual sex That's fucking pigotry. No, listen casual sex is me meeting you on math.com Me buying you a few dinners respecting you and one night we go for cocktails and we fucking suck and then Something happens. You don't like to smell on my feet. You find that I got a sleep apnea machine I find out I find out you have other boyfriends that you did other guys like that. I thought you were a Christian girl Whatever, you know the fucking guys how fucking creepy they get every guy has that little fucking

Thing in his head where and all singing like I just found this out now We've been together for seven months now you tell me you don't like them girl never happens to me Well, think because I say everything I say everything up front like things you shouldn't even the other day I told a guy while we were having sex that he'd be a hot gay guy It's not something you want to tell a guy while dick is in you And I was like, I'm sorry, but it's just I came to me. I just say whatever's in my head I Don't I want to have what you had. No, you don't I want to just look here's the thing disgusting

But I embarrassing to talk about it is okay. I think it's You know and those are just the fucking that's just like a quarter of them like, you know Drugs really added to it. Like let me talk about drugs. I quit cocaine. You see the mentality of women with drugs I mean Lee you can know a woman sleep with a four times Drinking and then sleep with the same woman on coke and it's two different fucking savage It makes you crazy. It makes you so it makes you guys like so hot It's so hard sober because like I'm realizing that I never I don't have these stories because I'm not much of a drinker Well, there's other reasons, but I'm also not much of a drinker and I never did coke like it's well drinking is one thing

All right getting drunk with a girl and your fuck and now you get dead dick and you both pass on somebody pukes That's one thing But girls on cocaine girls on cocaine when you're doing it and you have it planned We're not even like not the cake. Hey, what's going on? I'm not gonna able. Let's go back to the house and Kate and me have been friends for years But at six o'clock after you start an able Things happen, you know I'm saying Guys right cuz I guys I mean guys have a trouble staying hard on cocaine right either in the beginning

It's a trick they trick you you get you don't come and your dick stays like fucking a wall And then one day it just stops all changes and it drives you crazy for a year because you just told this girl He has fell off and now you're beating yourself right and you're telling the play with yourself and you know You're doing creepy fucking shit, you know, and that's that's the shit that has always bothered me That's the shit that had always that's always bothered me. It was the creepiness on the drugs Like what are those people thinking today? It makes you like and I'm not saying that they're going like but at one point Somebody must say them so come on. We've been together for 20 years How many guys have you slept with and you're the idiot gonna say well that I had a three some months now

That puts doubt can't take them that deep, but you could tell them like well I had a carrot up my ass one time, but whatever the fuck, you know, whatever because I'm coke you do that dumb Oh my god, it's true. You do that's why I stopped. Oh, please I was making bad decisions bad Sex choices bad sex. I did bad. I didn't do I mean it didn't can I tell you okay? I haven't told this story on anything. This is embarrassing as fuck But because I love you and your people will love this story. I'm gonna tell it I I did I was doing some blow and I was hooking up with this guy that I probably shouldn't have been hooking up with in the first Place because he's a porn. He's a porn actor. I don't like to call him star. Whatever porn guy

I never let guys fuck me in the butt. Oh, no, no, I don't because I'm afraid I'm afraid not of the pain. I'm afraid of like hemorrhoids and cancer and poop. That's the truth Wait, wait, ain't no sex can give you cancer. I read a statistic that said that it increases your risk I'm just the craziest thing is what if you like it. I knew I would like it like what if you I knew I would like it I knew I would like it because I like other things, you know, there But I'm assuming since he's a porn and guy It wasn't like a small penis. It's fine. It's good. It's a good size, but it's not too big It's not like it's he's not like that black dude with the foot long dick like it's pretty normal

So anyway, so I decided if I was gonna try it He's the guy to do it with though because he's an expert like he's a professional I figured he would know how to do it without Okay, so I like to talk this shit. I don't like a woman talk this So like so that's not even the important part of story I'd let him do it, okay, and actually I liked it right no shit It was great. It was great guys that fucking creepy on it What a guy knows that he could fucking yes, we get creepy guys love it Especially when they know it's a first like he knew I never did it before yeah, he went nuts

Okay, so so then but here's the thing the next day for me is kind of a big deal because I was like an ass virgin I felt like I gave him something special, you know But for him it's nothing so walk in the park because he does it all the time So the next day he never texts me to say like hey great time Thanks for coming up like anything, you know, which which apparently my guy friends say is not a big deal Since we'd hooked up many times, but I thought I deserved a special text this day, right a flower Burgers, huh mark doesn't make the maybe a peach No, they don't make that car so I call my friend and I'm complaining she picks up phone. She's like hey, Kate

What's up? I'm like I'm so pissed at this guy. Can you believe I let this motherfucker fuck me in the ass? I never let a guy do that before and he didn't even text me today to say thank you He didn't call me. He didn't say shit, and I'm just I'm really pissed I don't know if I should never talk to him again if I should end it and she goes Sir, I'm really sorry. My friend's a comedian. She doesn't really filter her language Kate I'm in a uber pool and you're on speakerphone So I said that's in front of an uber driver and two other guys that were in the uber with her and then and then

Well, I'm still on speaker the guy goes. Oh, she sounds hilarious. Who is she and my friend goes Oh, her name's Kate Quigley. She just hosted the avian awards. You should check her out So like 20 minutes later, I get a follow on my Instagram and a comment from a guy that goes Hey, I was in your friend's uber. I hope your asshole is not too sore And then the next day he's like if you ever want to hang out sometime No, you got a lot of friends when you tell people oh my god I'm not gonna do it regularly. It was like an experimental thing. It's not good. I was saving it for love I wanted it to be the thing that I gave the next guy. I loved, you know, cuz I it's just a mistake

Just write it off and don't tell the next guy. I'm never telling you can't I can't ever tell any guy ever That I hooked up with a porn guy. I learned that lesson. You can't do that Guys get a little like it would be like me telling why you invite me over you already got the dick of dick You're gonna make me come over and feel fucking irregular and after six months you're gonna drop it on me Well, I've been thinking I've been going and telling my friends I've been drilling this shit out of Kate her eyeballs are flying out of her head Little do I know she banged fucking Johnny Ludwig and you know, he shot all over whatever fuck So it's kind of fucking weird, you know, yeah, it is but you know the great thing is if you do tell them

Ladies even if it's not true. I say tell guys actually because they try harder Because they're like, oh, she banged a porn guy. No Guys are like forget I ain't following that would you it's like going to the store It's over they're really cracked. That's it. What do I need to go in there for I'm gonna send the flowers That's the other thing. What's the guy fucks in the ass? There's no more dinners. You know I'm saying there's no more dinners There's no reason to take it to the movies no more the best day you can get really. Yeah, like that makes sense that you're right Fucking the ass game over. There's no ring. There's no nothing. That's it. It's over. I should have saved it for the ring Well, I don't like a guy enough. You say don't listen. Let's experiment. You know, I've never done this before

You know jelly that muffler up and send it home for mama. That's it and fucking take your best shot big shot And that's it jelly that I'm wedding night or something. You know He'll ask you you never did it before and you're gonna know and he'll fucking I've never done it when they go fucking nuts That's a guy on the nuts Yeah, be the first one to bust this fucking muffler and it's over No, but you married him. He's already taken it. But if in the beginning if a guy fucks in the ass listen First time you're never gonna hear from that dude. I have heard from him a little. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's it game You're right. The romance is done. It's no romance. That's good. Oh, we fall in love even more

It listen the next day either when you wake up There's a dozen roses like a finger cut off. There was not or you never hear from the smoke fucking get Like the next day Cuz if I'm listen in different times of my life like when I was 27 no, no, no before I went to prison. I was a lonely. I was a fucking savage then too. It was Like when I first started comedy and I went back in 95. I was fucking lonely So if a girl would have came to me and said, you know, bust me in the muffler, I would have fainted I would have fucking fainted like just dropped. I didn't put it like

You know put it back to you gotta turn around and look at your asshole I didn't even say I didn't even say I wanted to it just happened in the moment It was like he just wanted to and I was said I was kind of like I'm not sure and then before I knew it He was like too late. You spread all fours and just throw your toilet paper And they know exactly you're talking about that means I surrender so Again, this is where you're gonna fucking die when I tell you what I have to tell you please to me when I did it I Felt so fucking disgusting Really like after I did it. It's gross, right? It is gross. I thought that I

Wanted to do it. I wanted to do it to the specific Girl and I was telling me this story that I used to give her a stab at night when we were sleeping I'd get up in the middle of the night and just fucking torment that shut up And one night she was sleeping on the belly down. I just put it in a fucking muffler. You did not while she was asleep Fuck yeah, Joey. Yes. I did. I was young. Oh my god Did you wake up? No, she stayed there like a Cosby victim You wake up somebody puts that dick in your ass. Oh, I don't know Was in love with her, but she was like we'll talk about this later. I'm like, no

Fucking do this. I'm a savage She don't think about it and we finished it and everything she didn't say take it out I mean it was good while it was happening to get woke once it's in it's fine Once you get woken up with a dick in your mind. You must know you're fine It's waking up with some of these creeping it around. Yes. Is that setting on your iPhone? You're like 645 a.m. Dick and ass. You feel the maple syrup around your ass. I Don't know but can I just say I just want to give I just want to say that when I did it the guy is Was really good. It never hurt. I was never sore the next day. It never was a professional

It's like when I go give blood if the fucking some dude off the street takes blood on me It's gonna hurt. It's the lady who does it every fucking day of my life I know and that's why I don't think I would ever do it with a regular day through your mind off You know because a regular guy will flip you over. Yeah, and he'll just shove it in that but so live in the asshole Well, let the monkey juice drip and then hang ups No one's hanging you upside down That's all I used to hang them upside down and they're dripping to the muffler and everybody's happy This was not what we had planned what you didn't have ass sex written on the sheet

No, I was gonna talk to you about life, but you know, this is my life right now. No, listen, I am Like I would never tell my wife any of these stories. Oh I would never even consider. She doesn't watch this No, oh, that's good. She doesn't watch that's good. Listen, I would never tell Anybody like this is it's private between you and us. This is 20 fucking years ago. This all happened between 91 between 90 fucking three and 2000 guys what I ran in for

Was a lesson in life instead of a college degree. I got a life degree on psychology Just how people think and why they think that way. Yeah, you know, it's fucking Tremendous like it all goes into the comedy you see how people say to you cake on the road cake on the road Especially when you're young go on the road on the road because not only do you learn about the stage? but you learn about Fucking psych of human psychology like just a crisp and it's not the things people do It's the thing that you're doing for your dream. Yeah, and this is all part of your fucking dream Like this to me is all part of it that I've tucked away Kate and one night me and him

It just started And my heart was beating and I was sweating and my fingertips were getting numb because this is stuff like that's painful now Like you're like this was pure Disgust and you gotta you gotta you gotta assume 80% of these girls did this disgusting things because of the drugs Yeah, but but also like maybe they were I feel like I've been going through a period lately And maybe you did where it's like you're learning about yourself and you're doing things you never done before and you're like exploring And it all makes you part of listen when I was 25. I knew

That I could I would always come fast Okay, I always knew you just gave over to all that all that shit about serious candles That shit about candles and bubble baths. You don't still do you do you still come in a minute horrible? You should try some of this like Buddhist stuff I was in Boulder. I tried that shit the breathing and all that stuff. Yeah, I could listen. I gotta be honest with you I got to be strictly honest with you. I Was so turned off by sex over those years. I really don't want to fix this problem like I have a wife Yeah, I know where I stand. She doesn't care. I

meant at this point I Gave her a kid in a minute. You know saying it worked Can I ask you a personal question? I eat ass. I eat pussy. I'll that's good. I think you're banging. Yeah, I pulled your hair I do everything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm an animal. I'm sure I got to do certain things like I have to have you give me a blowjob first Yeah, after I come I have to eat your pussy for a while and that's how I get hard again I'm eating your pussy. I play with my ball sack and boom we put it back in there Then is it a just another minute again? No, then you're good. I go that's very common, but I'll tell you what There's sometimes

After I eat your pussy. Yeah, like I'm done too because I'll crack another nut while I'm eating your pussy a lot of guys like I like that that I crack a nut so that nut that I crack while I'm eating your pussy is a complete different Before it's like a it's like a weird psychological nut like it affects my body So after that, I would have to do coke to bring me back up because my dopamine will be fucked in God There was no dopamine left. I just shot it on my leg. You know saying Like this is like I've thought about this like for years I've you know when you're home and you're driving somewhere You have to give yourself some frame of thought so I take a timepiece of my life

And I try to think about and the day that I'd never even thought about that timepiece that discussed that and it just wasn't on The road it was a it started in Boulder It started in Boulder with women that were friends of mine like I would look and go this girl I'm never gonna fuck her so what am I gonna talk to I'm making my outline you go out with this girl You pick up a piece of ass I Would go out with these girls and pick up a piece of ass. Yeah, just for hanging out Want to go yeah girls want to go why is she hanging out and there's a reason she's touching them I mean you have nothing going on, but you're touching me you acting like you my friend that girl over there

I was gonna say what's he got? He's got a big day. He's a little chubby. You know I'm saying but maybe he's packing He's rich whatever and all of a sudden boom boom boom so I had these girls and all of a sudden the way we are friends come over I got what do you have to drink I got a half a bottle of vodka and we how much coke do you have three quarters of a gram? I swear to my mother's grave while they were there like there was one girl under her parents I don't fucking parents her brothers her sisters I had heard she was kind of crazy that wasn't for me and I remember one night I got a call from her like three in the morning Kind of asking me if I had powder that she was all alone

She wanted to come over when I first started counting when I first got separated from my wife And I always just thought about it, but I don't know you know that I know her parents Yeah, even why even go there And she came over one night. I asked I go I gotta go to this party. I'm gonna bind dog I don't have a girlfriend Can you just put a nice dress on and just make believe one our third date? And she was like yeah, and I figured I'd take care of her like I used to her friends own this restaurant

I'd give it like a get and You know what I had like an eight ball bunch of people got coke I was broke and I was just taking the grandma of each package and we end up with like four fucking grams And I know you want to come over and she's like yeah, and you know she went over there as a friend and next thing you know about five She's like dog We're friends, but I'm taking this dress off and I had never seen them like that my life I was like why you might as well take the panties off and them I wouldn't see it all start And I would sit and sit for days and think about that. Why did that happen? I'm living in a basement

With a sony trying to try that happen because you had drugs So you think would you ever have sex in that period without drugs involved? Exactly all the all the crazy sex I've had that I probably shouldn't have involved drugs or a lot of alcohol But mostly if you want to get fucked or fuck people go to El compadre Do the coke and go to El compadre I saw That's where professional thick suckers go and that's a profession like if you want to be hypnotized by the best like woman You're talking to my politics and next thing you're at their house naked on all fours to go to El compadre Just to see how real savages work

How real mother I've been at El compadre so many times and no one has ever tried to take me anywhere Are you serious? Yeah, never he asked you to do powder there. Never that's crazy ever offer me any there Up to 2005 I saw I saw crazy things. I wasn't participating in them But I saw I would go out of fuck that that just happened. Nobody caught what do you remember? They closed not that long like a couple years ago and reopened I wonder if they got like busted or something maybe no I think somebody died the father died or something. Oh and the comedy store. Let me tell you something I was telling Lee about the comedy store and I'm not talking about waitresses. I'm talking about civilians. Yeah

There's one particular night that killed me It was a Monday night, you know, I say to you Come down on Monday night Kate. You're probably gonna go work Do shit I mean you're gonna get there if you do a little taste test your pussy's gonna be a little wanked to it Well, it's acceptable or something happens. You know what I'm saying you follow me. Yeah, okay Yeah, and a Monday night. Nobody thinks anything's right. So I'm hosting. Okay. I'm hosting I'm the 10 to 12. Yeah, the tent to close and in those days

I would host put somebody up and then put dice or rogan up because they would do an hour and I'd leave I get the Track and I tell what's his name when it's when they get off go up there close up the show So I'm lurking out there and I see this Group of like, you know eight women it's a bats a red party on this Monday night, you know, they're amateurs of this But I tell you one was hotter than the other Neal had rings on And the whole thing and there's one girl kept talking to me. How have you been on comic? But she was scoping something

Like she saw something So we started talking she goes this is a place really haunted and they're like we're gonna go We're gonna go to her rocks and she's like hold on he's gonna and some other comic was talking to another one of them And she goes, let's go and we went I took it to the main room And she looked around and then we went up on the back of the stage And we went back to end the main room and we walked out of there and nothing happened And we walked out and as we walked as a ladies bathroom. Yeah in the corner. Yeah, not behind the stage But no one in the corner. Yeah, that's where it all goes down

That's why I was introduced and she goes, what's this in there? I know the ladies bathroom and she asked me do you have coke or anything like oh, yes Yes, I'm hanging out with these wedges. They don't do anything. She did like to fucking blast the coke She was off and running. She started peeing and She goes, where are you and I go outside and when she came out of pants with down like no way She had just peed in the main room. Nobody was in there. Nobody was a Monday night She just dried her monkey walked in, you know, I gave her another blast started swapping spitting There's a little couch. Uh-huh when you walk in there's a little couch there on the couch

Balls in her mouth finger and I like would fucking that's hot. Oh, no, no, no, that's what I been Because I knew I didn't want to pull out a condom and go through all that Like that shit drives me crazy because that's when my dick will get that I like that Nose-tase I'll just tackle you eat your pussy. I mean your pussy. I'm coming. It's going on the wall It's a fucking monster. That's your come is on that couch in the All those walls Purple marks got come on And we went off in there for ten minutes

You know noises and fucking and we went out like nothing happened and She joined the limo with her girlfriends and left like for years that always bothered me like why did bother you? That's so hot to me. I would love for something like that to happen to me What do you mean you're the initiator on this? That could happen to you in two seconds No, but here's the thing like I I like it to happen Like I like it to seem like not my idea even though it is like I mean I want the guy like here's the thing You want to play the hand? I don't hook up with random. Let's go downstairs to the cave

I want to show you something, you know, and you're like, okay I don't know go up with random smudge, but can I tell you my hottest random hookup story? It just happened it just happened, okay I never hook up on the road because I just I don't know It's very rare I meet someone that I have like that chemistry with that I just want to take them back and it's worth the risk of like whatever could happen But so I go to San Francisco to shoot an episode of undercover and I have a thing for athletes Okay, so I kind of sort of tweeted something like I said to my friend like we should hook up with some

49ers while we're in town and she was like you have to be careful with football players a lot of them are like Rapists and I was like that's impossible. Who would say no like just as a joke and I tweeted that well like five minutes later A couple 49ers followed me on Twitter So I followed them back and I started talking to a few of them and there's this one Who was really hot and basically was like we should hang out while you're in town and I was like yeah But just so you know that tweet was a joke I don't hook up with the randoms, but like let's get a drink or whatever So he comes to my hotel and we go get a drink and like the minute I saw him

I was like I'm definitely banging this guy like I never ever do it He is so hot and he's young and I knew I'd never date him and I was like if he's cool at all We're hooking up so we went we had drinks. We went back to my room I stayed up all night. We had sex all night and it was so it was maybe it was in the top like three Sex experiences. He's getting all pale. I just love that you're random Is a 49er Well, he's not a famous one Listen if I got dirty with you, and I knew you for a year. Those don't really bother me as much as the random ones

Because he would he's not just super random because I know who he is You know, don't judge me Joey. I never I'm not judging. I'm just thinking about my randoms My my disgusting randoms. I was a I met a girl when I first started doing comic I was in comedy maybe six months and I had just recently been divorced. I was 28 You know, I didn't have any fucking money. I lost my job. I had money in the bank and I had every major credit card I would never flaunt it. I was not one of those guys talking nothing I was at a bar mind in my own business and there was a hotel where I started comedy was a hotel I started at the comp county works. Yeah

But on Monday Tuesday nights was comedy night. I swear to my mother's grave I never went there with the intention one time. I always learned don't hook up with these people at the beginning I was real tight on that and I went down there when I went to a fucking thing And this is one of the best ones ever that I thought because I like all that Sometimes man, I don't like putting the putting a dick in something It's kind of fucked up Well having the guys digging it is kind of well, that's why I never really do it But sometimes it's fun. You know what I did years ago. I stopped having condoms on me. I

Got so scared of all that shit. I said listen. There's other things you could do with these savages Wait, you stop carrying condoms so that you wouldn't hook up. So I wouldn't put my dick in you, but that actually worked Yeah, I would never put my dick in you. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, I feel like most guys would do it anyway The mouth is completely different the mouth is the goal The mouth is the goal if she's banging like you I gotta eat a monkey first I gotta drop it. I got a drop and fucking do something crazy. So this girl was in your range only 22. Oh Damn, I'm 28. I had never had strains like I had been with a girl for six years Before that had been like a year drought and people you know when you're emotionally broken people could tell so the woman would stay away from me

What no, no, no, no, no, you know, I brought I broke that drought on the plane How can you imagine you broke a drought on a plane 18 months? No, no, no, you went 18 months without sex 14 months without sex heartbroken Five masturbations a day crying 14 months couldn't pick up a fucking cold end up in the heat like when women go I haven't been laid. I get it because there's a threat that you're like at this point If anybody taps me and says you look good. I'm gonna fuck them You're at that point as a woman at the 11 month mark. I knew I was to kiss a death

I knew I'd gone through this whole thing like drugs and I was emotionally broken and it was written on my face It was written on my body language. Oh, it was written. So I knew I was getting close I would see women at bars and they would get drunk with me But something just was and I knew it after like the fifth time I go. I'm done. I think that it's almost like a major league You have to be a professional sometimes if you're looking for pussy you have to you have to be a professional You have to you run into a slump Then you start tapping out then you start going, you know what I've accepted it I'm gonna become Charles Bronson. They got a single apartment with you people at night

And I'm gonna give up pussy pussy weakens the legs and I thought nothing Nothing and now I'm bumping into dough now. I'm getting dough and I'm going to bars. I'm buying blow I'm robbing castation. Oh my god. I'm getting credit cards and I still can't pick up a woman wearing nice Miami Vice Clothes It's 1985 Shoes head done not built gold chain nothing drought of my fucking life. I said fuck this cursed place July 1 1985 I get on a fucking plane I Get on that fucking plane of the day. I said July 1 1985 I get on that fucking people's express plane

I start talking to a black guy the black guy got personality. He starts talking to the white hoes They come over they start one thing leads to another story starts talking pop pop pop pop pop Where you gonna go? I don't know I got to move to I was gonna move with Colorado Springs This guy told me to move to Boulder. I guess I'm gonna get a hotel in Denver and spend the night one thing led to another Let's go to the bar. We all took the shuttle back to the hotel the store. This is one upstairs She stayed and I'm sitting there going this ain't gonna happen. So I'm not even gonna push it There's no I didn't talk about cocaine and oh my god There was no cocaine. Oh, there was nothing. There was refit

Okay, and I said do you want to get high? I go smoke a joint cuz I don't like booze I love that you had it on the plane by the way. Oh, yeah, I always carry with something I brought out there I that time I bought an ounce of chocolate Taiwee from 148th Street back I wasn't going on to the cold world of the underbelly For TSA, this is way before TSA. This is what I would put in my fucking carry-on jacket and Then I fucking started talking to one thing like to another I don't even know how we ended up in my room. I got like a one room for 2995 She got a one put on the people's express paid for hers. We started talking and she ended up in my room

Don't we were smoking pot. I showed the cassettes or something. We were on the floor swapping spit So now I'm on this drought 14 months not even a fucking so not even sniffing a bra I wake up in the morning. We kiss each other. We say I goodbyes. I Get on the fucking bus. I take a bus to Boulder. I stop. I get a newspaper I look for apartments I put my shit in the fucking lockers and I go on my search for apartments as I'm walking on 10 12 14th Street. I See this girl

short sandals young If I'm 23 She's 19 going on fucking. It's like that Rick James song. She was only 17 17 Dirty whitehead dirty feet. I throw dirty tree dirty blonde hair Face was an eight. Yeah, it's boobs. She's real, you know and but decent I knew and she came up to me. Do you know where this is? No, it's gotta be here. So we both were looking for apartments. Yeah

We walked around pop pop pop pop pop pop that that that where you from Christian. No shit We both went and Scott caught those days. This is way before coffee We got like a sandwich or something at roses They had chicken and we went to roses on that. This was way before fucking any of those chicken people started making chicken This is 85 roses would put organic chickens with Rosemary and all that shit. Yeah, so we went there We ate and then she went put a deposit on apartment. I want to put the deposit apartment. She lived in Denver. I got a hotel in Boulder we kept talking talking talking her mother calls her or she calls the mother you got the apartment go over there now

She went over there when we went over there. We started swapping split bam Bam pants came off pussy eating this chick. I thought she was not even in my league I'm not even gonna go there. What I walked her back to the apartment on the floor Like animals eating pussy wrestling. She sat on my face tremendous now. She gets a roommate They move in I get I move in three doors down. Oh, wow perfect My journey into the fucking underbelly of life without these new Jersey fucking savages The drought is over the drought. It's not only I get one to one night, but here I am I'm calling home going guys if I'm getting laid you guys were fucking killin out

You guys got lies. You're good-looking. You got blue eyes. You know, I'm over here with brown eyes walking around like a fucking Nazi So this is where it gets kinky. Oh Okay, so she's in there three days. I joined a gym barbell gym on the hill That's Sunday they're having a yearly barbecue I Go to the barbecue on the way out the two girls go where you going? I'm going to a barbecue if you want to come both ears come to the barbecue. We get to the fucking barbecue There's a volleyball thing the girl I'm with the sweet little girl gets up and goes to play volleyball this one Just starts going crazy

How she hasn't given a blow job in six months that she knocked her fucking neck off You're not giving a blow job and her right, you know This chick is just fucking that she could hold her breath while she gives a blow I'll never forget this conversation and I'm going that this is not fucking happening to me I haven't seen a tit for 14 fucking months and this is the third broad and six days I haven't even been here fucking a week. This is gonna I'm gonna get VD. I'm gonna get age Rock Hudson just went public And in those days, I would stick my dick in your no condom. No, yeah, I didn't give a fuck about not No, that went raw back not on your stomach rub it in lick at the dirty bitch and fucking

And then right there at the picnic I Go so let me ask you something. You haven't started digging out all six months. She was right now We're doing it in the second day Listen, there was a three-foot wall like a moat Listen everybody listen in your perverted mind you look at that wall and you know, I I could fuck her into a thousand things Well, guess what in those days I wasn't 300 pounds I was 185 21 damn and I looked at her I go we're going over that wall and I went over that what about the other girl listen to me I laid on my back like an Indian I took it out

She laid between my legs and she sucked that pipe I for I four times 20 minutes We were behind there nobody saw fucking thing you came four times 20 minutes common and she sucked my balls and whacked me off I'd never had that experience And she poke a finger in my ass tremendous right like not the whole way in but like a little machine. I was 22 23 I had a professional dick sucker once before but this was a level amongst hers She was she would lick your balls and for every 10 licks to your ball She lick your asshole and then put a little finger on it to make you explode a little bit BAM like I couldn't see when I got up like my body

I got up. We looked over the wall like we were like we were being victims. Nobody saw a thing We both got up. She smiles. She goes. I told you I was the best we went back And we had dogs like that happened Lee. I want to be around. I gotta run through the bathroom real quick That's a fucking story. That's amazing. Holy shit. That was the craziest fucking thing Is this live by the way? That's crazy To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart And these are like Some somebody twice as smart

Or somebody who will swear to be true Okay, do you need to take any animals? Not yet Who'll leave you to learn That misery loves company Wait and see I mean I want to be around To see how he does it when he Yes, yeah, I never got to use it I don't use it really like for dating as much as I just use it to like, you know fuck with people

What do you mean fuck I have a website called tinder trauma. Do you know about this? No I have a website called tinder trauma calm What I do is I go on tinder and I act insane and I try to get guys I basically like I bait guys with sex I act like I want to hook up on tinder and then I act insane on purpose and I try to get them to block me to See like how much shit guys will put up with to have sex So I've done everything from like I asked guys if I could like bring rattlesnakes to bed put leeches on their balls Oh my god, I had a guy go dumpster diving

I told him I was into like rotten meat being rubbed all over my body Of course and he went dumpster diving to try to find me to put on me I used to do it all the time and then I kind of slowed down on it just cuz I got busy and I didn't have as much time And yeah, oh Jane America But also that's what fucking happened people started to people started to like Google image search me And they'd be like oh you're a comedian and then they they would know what was up But I used to do it more before before anyone really could figure that out You know when I was in the bathroom like this is a disgusting pocket it really is but this stuff tonight

So I'm talking about fucking like not those three girls that doesn't bother me at all That was that everybody was no we weren't doing coke. Yeah, I wasn't doing coke then I wasn't doing coke in that time period That's crazy. Yeah, I was straight legit. I was clean for six months. I was lifting weights and You know and then two weeks later I bumped into a girl I hadn't seen in 16 months you gave me a number in New York City. No way we talked one time I lost a number. I was going to Boulder. She told me she was going back to Boulder. I go downstairs

She's downstairs with the garbage. What are the odds? What are the odds? We ended up getting married. Oh That's so cute well now we hate each other Let me see my daughter, you know the fucking but it was cute if you know, I'm just I've been really trying it sounds It makes me sound a whorish like the stories, but this is the thing. I've been really trying to learn to have Casual I'm a relationship person like I start dating someone if I like them Then I just like I'm all in and I stopped seeing other people But I realized that like with guys a lot of guys out here don't want a Relationship, but I always like the guys that don't want one

So I have been trying to learn to be able to like casually date and casually have sex and not get all like attached to guys I'm really bad at that. I'm really bad at it. That's why I think that's why on some level I started hooking up with like The porn guy and stuff because I know that he's not relationship material So I am going to be forced to learn to be casual now all this disgust I tell you about I never dated two women at once you did it No, like I wasn't that good looking. I didn't have that type of game to call a girl I never had patience once I realized that I wasn't good in bed like it was like I was like 22 and I'm like I'm not snapping out of this fucking shit

And it's getting worse with the coke like by that time the coke had started I had been doing coke six years And sometimes I was 50 50 that had the hard on of life Yeah, or I had dead dick on paranoid. No, I wasn't getting paranoid that I'm lying to it didn't start till about three years later And even then I was getting good dick After I gave you a stab and and did some more blow and I would put a coke rock in my p-hole and the whole fucking For real? Fuck yeah, I'm not kidding. Yeah, no one ever did that to me

And then when I got fucking coked when I got When I went to prison when you're waiting to get to the doctor's office, I will never forget this They had a bulletin board like when you're waiting to get blood and shit when here you are with your prison whites You're in diagnostic and you're waiting to go get blood out and for them to ask you creepy questions There's a section that you sit on the wall And one of the articles on the wall was about a man who shot cocaine into his dick And his dick stayed hard for four fucking this was at the height of cocaine. I was doing this time august I wasn't diagnostic september of 88 at that time people were so what you tell me is all the coke you've done

Nobody's ever put a coke on your clip Uh, yeah, yeah, but not in their p-hole Not in his p-hole. Never had a guy put a coke rock in his people You put a coke rock on his p-hole and you suck that pipe and your jaws go numb and shit forget about it Oh, no, I mean I've done I've snorted it. Oh god Oh, yeah, you snorted those guys Anybody put it on their p-hole and then I know you put it on your p-hole and then you suck it and your jaws go numb Like I like a dentist you're like this better

I wish the dentist did this shit my whole fucking from down here down is numb even my fucking esophagus is down Interesting. No, I haven't had that. I haven't had that. I uh Oh, there was something when you were talking about the drought that I was I am the girl That always cures guys of their drought. That's something I realized I am that girl. Yes, I am I don't I don't want to be Like after they stay after they nut the lookie you can go That was a first time in eight months. It's happened to me like three times. Oh my god. That's embarrassing. It is

Why is that embarrassing? I feel like um, you know what someone told me who was oh, it was cat It was cat williams. I had cat williams once on my podcast And I was talking about how sometimes I have sympathy sex with guys because sometimes I won't be that into him But they took me out so many times. I feel like they deserve it or maybe they say they haven't had sex in a while And I kind of like feel like throwing them a solid and he said that I am like a charity worker You know, like I'm like a superhero like a sexual superhero, you know, like I'm taking like I'm like robin hood I gotta be honest with you There was one woman I had a brief affair with all drug related

until this day the only reason why I talked to her was because She gave me so much confidence back that I had lost See, that's me. That's what I do for this day. I can't tolerate her. Oh at times, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I can't tolerate her at times. She drives me crazy She brings zero or whatever to my life But the only reason why I've stayed there's two women who I've stayed in touch with Because it's a sad thing to say but that pussy really changed my life like

They're Something about what they did I saw the humanity in it like I looked at the proteins women And I know that they were way out of my league and they threw something at me The second the first one I'm talking about I had like a year drought and I was just a I was ready I didn't know I was ready to emotionally break down And I went from zero It was like going zero the one I did this chick was a work mule from the day one. She was just a

She was just a mule, you know And then I went when I when we broke up I was kind of down and I bumped into the other one and I gotta tell you the other one even made my comedy good Really? Yeah, like the confidence she gave me Because she would always talk shit like I knew it for a long time. Yeah, and I'm like you there's one day I look at you and I go she's my buddy, but then there's another day. I look again. I go, you know what? I'm gonna have to eat her ass. It's just too fucking good. You just have to one day go listen. No friends I gotta eat yeah, so so we ended up going on the road

And on the road one night we both got drunk And she was like I haven't been with a guy in like a year and I go, you know, I haven't been with me a long time I go listen Let's do this. I know we're good friends. I'll tell you what I really want to eat your pussy. So let's do this Give me five minutes If this don't work, just say stop and that's it. We're part friends I swear to god and she was like thinking she's like, oh my god I could really go for some of the eat my pussy

She goes, okay, let's give it a try. I had to talk her into it like yeah fucking 25 minutes. Yeah I go, what's the difference? Wait, did you guys have sex though? Or did you dress your pussy the first time I ate a pussy, you know what? I did that with a friend I stuck to my guns. Yeah, and I remember, you know, once I listen I'm not good at a lot of things, but I'm committed to the monkey So she was like her eyeballs were popping out of my head and then I flipped her over one for the month And I went the whole thing. I spread it out and made it blink. You know me though. I'm the real dear holy field

I said that's it. I tapped out Because she didn't know I had nutted So I tapped out that's hilarious. She didn't know She just thought you're a good dude And she just stayed on all floors and she's like go And I'm like next time And I nutted and that was it. We both fuck with my head. We both passed out with my head We both passed out but no in a way I told her

And I and I remember one day we were on the road and we shared a room And I liked her monkey so much That after I ate her monkey and terrorized her she went in the shower I took a pair of these sniffed them and bang went out and she came out and I was banging went out with her monkeys You know, I was years later when I was still on below years later Even if we weren't doing none I go to a house and excuse myself till I have to use the bathroom I take her thongs out of the fucking stop it. Oh, fuck it. I'd whack off on the way home

Throw him out of the car and sunset full of Oh my god, I hope they weren't expensive panties. I didn't give a fuck those are 12 dollars You know, I had a freak dog You know, we're from nasty mud and now it's drunk. That's what I would go over and I knew that If I worked there, it was gonna take me too long and for a while like all I had to do was go over there with a Coke wrap So I even had her period on my time clock I knew she I knew she'd get her period on the 21st or she'd call me

I ain't going there because I can't eat your monkey. I can't do that. She was bleeding. So don't even fight me Yeah, so I had her on a time schedule. I knew for the worse because that's when we're the horny as fuck You want to have sex with someone on that period? Fuck no, fuck no. No, you want fuck him even on like day three or four? No, no, no, that's not even going Why not? I can't see. Listen, I'm having surgery next I'm having surgery this Monday next Monday. Yeah, and I was at breakfast coffee with somebody today And they were telling me how their son-in-law did the surgeon on the second day He drove and he goes and he took the bandages out. There was a lot of blood

I had to get up and go to air conditioning room I can't deal with that shit. That's a fucking I had a bad trauma taste asian as a young kid Like a week after my mother died Like a week after my mother died. I'm 16 years old. I'm at home with Zaryla. She's taking care of me And the phone rings. It's this girl that she's no longer with us. God bless her. So I love the dealie at that age She was a soldier She was like fucking you she called me up And she goes hey man, I didn't make it to your mom's wake

She was beautiful. She had blue eyes and blonde hair. She was german And I knew her brother, but I had gone to a picnic one time and flirted with her. We were kids You know, we were 14 No sex, you know finger. I don't even know. She didn't even give me a blow job. I wasn't even into that kids We were kids But she was beautiful. She went to a different grammar school And when my mom died a week later, she calls and I never forget. It was a monday night It was cold already. It was like november 15. It was freezing on the east coast

I'm heartbroken like I was I was still experiencing the shock of my mom dying And I had the blue the phone rings. What's up, and she goes. Hey, man. I'm sorry about your mom I didn't make it to the fucking thing but I just called to see it. Maybe I can throw you a little piece to make you feel better Just like that. She said it to me 16 fucking years old I said, I'll be over there in 10 minutes because we can't do it here She goes we gotta go back to your house, but walk over here get me then we'll walk back. It was freezing Wow, who are these girls and they're 16 that wouldn't even cross my mind

I walked from 38th street all the way to 45th street picked her up walked back I'm 30 degree weather. We get all the way back to my house. I locked the room. I told my aunt I'm in there with a friend we swapped spit. I put on earth one in fire I take a chair beautiful brush. She's beautiful. She was a beautiful girl At that time I hadn't had sex ever I had sucked Pussy I had sucked some tits. I had dry hump people. So this is you'd lost your virginity this girl. Listen to me I took a fucking panties off and the co-tex

Followed the panty on the way out like it was a thing that was Don because the co-tex was stuck through a pussy and you could hear it peel off like cheese on pizza Oh And all of a sudden I almost fainted I go whatever I'm so you gotta put you and I walked out of the room and then she she goes What's the problem? I go. I've never seen nothing like that in my life. And she goes. It's just a little blood And I go no no no no no no no no no no No, and I remember walking on her back

Being like more fucking she feeling worse Then what I fucking felt like why don't you just leave me alone? My mother just died Who called somebody up after that mother dies and offered me a piece of pussy with blood on it? She calls me with a fucking I walked back heartbroken even more because I still didn't get laid I'm sorry. Oh my god horrible. You have no fucking idea what I felt like that tampon and she had a bad Thick thing it was 1979. Oh, they look like a two by four in those days. They barely it was like a Fucking embarrassing this shit. So I was traumatized after that. Yeah, I got it. I got it all that shit

But kate, I'll tell you what I just want you to be careful on the road You hear these stories and you're like that should sounds like fun That was just one time that I hooked up with a random on the road one. No, no, no. How sad is that? I want to do it a little more Joey. I need to learn. That's a problem guys cuddle me And I think they love me so I get so I catch feelings and then you know, they don't have feelings I get feelings are the worst. We all fucking do they all get in the way guys don't Guys you can have sex and cuddle a girl and then kick her out in the morning Listen, if you're fucking if I'm licking your pussy and you tell me you got to leave in two hours

I take the kids to a little league game with your husband. There ain't no connection there. No, there isn't no connection You know exactly what's going on here That was happening to me for a while and the guilt was overwhelming The guilt was overwhelming because it was very random I can't do that kept happening like there was a period there where it just kept happening and oh I always got a by the way There was a situation in my life in 99 That I can't lie to you. It didn't break my heart. It broke my

Um spirit as a man because This was Because listen to what happened Well, because you can't really when you do when you do something like this You have to leave that experience and go what just happened. Well, I did everything with her, but what just really happened What just really fucking what actually happened what really fucking happened was I I saw a couple times Finally, we went back our introductory was a threesome

Which I couldn't do because she was bleeding But the chubby girl wasn't but my dick couldn't make it hard for the chubby girl So the chubby girl left furious because I really wanted the blonde the blonde was a knockout. She had Dom Perignon It was crazy. She had coke on her drawers. It was fucking crazy. She was beautiful. She had fake breasts I was young, you know, I was it had to be 99 So it was way before terry, you know, I just meet this fucking animal And the next day she tells me to take the car and leave and then she I've come back to the beach and get her and we go back and she goes

I'll wait for you at the hotel and get your clothes and we'll come back to the beach And this went on for, you know, four or five nights and then that fucking night off on monday She came to the condo, you know, and and every night I saw I knew that, you know, I was leaving the following monday This is never gonna happen again So every time I had a staple down it was a fucking Cocaine fest, you know, every time we hung out the fucking daylight came up. So now it's saturday Saturday was weird because she goes i'm not going out saturday I gotta get some rest. We've been out every night for the last nine nights

So friday she goes to stand in friday saturday she stays in sunday. She goes i'll meet you after the show to take you to dinner We go to dinner. We eat with the news cafe again And right there she goes. I gotta tell you something After tonight we're never gonna see each other Because I get married two weeks from tonight What? And I go where was your fiance this last? And she goes he's a weatherman

So his sleeping hours are crazy than mine. So he does what he does and I see him on the weekends. Wow And okay, was I heartbroken? No, I knew this wasn't going away. This girl had three outies and a portion. Shit This wasn't going to go nowhere I was let down because This is happening all the time Is that you know I know guys go through this shit with women like guys, you know women go through this shit with guys You date a guy for three months. I'm going back with my wife. What do you mean going back with your wife?

Not even I was hooking up with a guy who's so hot and we totally like had a good like connection and thing going and I thought he was single and I found out not only did he have a girlfriend who he lived with She's about to have this baby And you know how I found out I was at a party I was out. I was like I was at a party This dude shows up with his nine months pregnant girlfriend to this party and I didn't know And it was awesome Because what I did is I hung out with his girlfriend the whole time

And I was just like you guys are so cute together. Tell me about your baby and I could see Dude, I was like I didn't tell her I never said a word and I never sent him an angry text You're the real deal. You're the last of the real moheakens. Thanks. It was it was pretty fun So last I didn't bring you on the show to talk about disgust But it happens to go somewhere like that Last saturday, uh, I was out of town and you tweeted the avian awards. I knew you had taped them And I never even thought about showtime. I thought they came on showtime live. So applause. I'm really proud of you You know, I had my wife tape it. I still haven't watched it. I watched it. You were great. Thank you

I watched 42 minutes of it. I can't watch. I hate it watching. There's one blue dress. That's phenomenal. Thank you The blue dress. He looks like a fucking you know, it's funny about that blow I thank you. E heart carpet Aw, thank you. Like there's only one chick that can talk to you. That's that chick with the big ass that was in The movie the town Oh, the blonde one she ain't no joke. She's in What's her name? I don't know I don't know. What's her name Lee that chick is a scarlett Johansson. No

Well, thank you. Johansson's a dirty bitch. You got fun guy fun in there in front of them. I'm telling me your feet look like mine Lake vitally. Oh, I love play. That's the only chick that can stand next to you at those saris bullock. She you know She's got to show her titties. Uh that career is going down the drain. We had this discussion on the phone that day I was dying that day. Thank you. You can't show your tits till after no later I'm 42 when people aren't making you the big office and they go, let me drop this on you mother Bam, you do like an indie and you drop around them for like a thousand a day and they fucking slap a gas Everybody's looking at that. So I got to bring her in just to look that's when it's time. That's when it's time Yeah, one day. I don't know. I I haven't uh, I haven't shown my tits

Yeah, on anything I was doing here Vienna awards. So fun actually, you know You know what's funny about it is like all these comics were like, you know, the porn stars don't laugh They don't listen. They're fucked up. They're not paying attention. Don't expect to have a good set. Just do you? Don't worry if you bomb. I mean, it was crazy. No one's ever psyched me out so much for You were doing great. Thanks. Well, this is the thing and then I get there and before I was smart I went out two days before the award show to just hang out and get like get to know the porn stars and kind of walk Around so that when I went on stage, they'd be like, oh, there's that chick We've been seeing around the expo

So they listened and then they were great and they wouldn't be threatened by you because you don't Come off like uh, judging you're a fucking more savage than they are I mean, that was the thing is they were like, oh, it's cool because you look like you could do porn I was like, thank you So it was fun and my jokes like I ran the jokes a lot and I had like really awesome people Help me write great jokes and it all it all went great. I was so happy And uh, I I met like a lot of cool people out of it and the porn people are cool as fuck That's the thing. It's like dating one isn't the best move for me

But they're for me. There's other possibilities there in the porn industry for you Not as a porno actress. I don't mean like that like just hosting the event again or It's funny. I've got called and somebody uh, I guess a pretty big porn producer asked me if I wanted to Direct a porn like a funny like a comedy porn and I was like, I don't know I got to think I don't know if I really want to do that But maybe but it has been interesting. I've never funny. It's not supposed to be funny That's the thing that people always try to make it funny or they just get stupid actors to do porn We're trying to be funny and cute. Well, my thing is it's not funny. I didn't even know there was lines

I want to be funny. I watch fucking The office or whatever the fuck that is. How are we doing over there? My friend 900 milligrams on the fourth of july Your mind's over there. I'm doing great. But loading and shit. Look at his eyes. He looks like he's just gone I prefer a gun, but I had it. I had fucked up a couple times like I had a couple a guy like a six month Dry spell I had an 18 month one at the end of Boston and then moving here It was and then at the end of one of the dry spells when I thought I was gonna have sex Like it didn't work. That happens. That happens to guys sometimes You get too excited and I was like mother

It was it was the worst and you know what I had it wasn't the 18 month one It was like the six month one and I called a girlfriend. I hated From like the year before and we got a hotel room. It was gross I hated her and it just like I it was just it was the worst and then it didn't work Oh She went to sleep and we just went to sleep. This is the dirt. This is the deepest I ever got with a chick at a hotel When I was a comic I sat there one night the young girl like you was sitting talking to nothing having conversation We didn't do drugs

In those days I used to have Valium and do coke And she goes do you have anything to calm my nerves? I mean it was like perfect. I go. Yeah, I got V's She goes give me half She took half we did a couple bumps. She had a couple like girls She was in town and we scooted to the back room Listen to this when she had a miniskirt on right? Oh my god. I take this bitch to the hoop She's in town visiting. Fuck the postcard. She's taking a mental fucking thing So we'll swap and spit on finger

I take my hand I put it in the ice machine And I take that fucking ice you when I put it in a monkey. I rub that motherfucker I take it and I split it in my mouth Then we start making out passing it back and forth on the ice you Damn, I took the helmet out Put my ice you on the helmet and scooted head down like a savage She did the fucking whole thing with the ice cube. I took another ice cube and put it in a monkey Everybody was numb. You understand me. You had inflammation. It was going away that night

You're hilarious. Does that feel good ice cube on your dick? It doesn't matter when you're coked up. Oh, right The fucking craziness that goes to your fucking head. It wouldn't feel good. It's fucking ridiculous When you do when you get to a a certain level of cocaine Like there was a book to my first you can't get hard then that's what I don't get It's a fucking fantasy. You sit there. So I'll say Kate. Just take it all up It doesn't even matter that you can't get hard. It's just all right on fire. It's this thing. Oh my god. I did that Yes, I swear to god. I got my butt lit on fire where for um in Atlanta for my playboy tv show I I got to have my ass lit on fire. Did you know that's a real thing?

You can put listen. You should try this. It's so fun before was the real thing. I did it back in the 80s on coca Well, I'll tell you just light that ass. Hold on if you put hair mousse you got to take hair mousse Okay, buy a can of mousse shake it up put your ass crack Light that shit on fire and the thing is you can't feel it on your skin because it the mousse burns first and then you And then what they tell you to do is twerk until the fire goes out you twerk it out I had to do that on Don't go away. I'm gonna go get some hair mousse We would bust fucking youtube people on youtube would go. What the fuck on the 4th of july

I posted a video. I posted a video of it on my instagram. It did actually do really well It protect your asshole that's what it does under your no You let your ass hold on for well add on a g-string. You want to the fucking you're out there That's why I love about you. It doesn't matter You at least having fun at least listen. What would be worse? You're doing this shit that you're doing now or you're with some guy who lied to you you're living in his apartment Nothing's happening in your career. You're just a pretty girl. No, nothing's happening. You're making things happen on your own dog So, you know, I'm trying to just have fun. You only live once, you know have fun make people laugh

Don't get vd though. That's a big one. I even get it. I get tested a lot I'm very careful. You have to some of that shit creeps up on you Some of that new vd is like Puerto Rican vd. Give them a stab in june. They're not gonna throw it all just, you know, I'm saying that's true though. You know, you scratch in september You have to beat you got a wart on your neck What the fuck's going on in my life? He's right. I felt three of these warts because that shit shows up later that especially international shit What that international shit that the shit they're bringing in Like today they're bringing in shit that just

Wait, you know, it's funny you're saying that. I'm telling you. Yeah, my mom texts me I'm telling you, I want something about the fucking dangers of this country right now. Wait, the bugs It's not the bugs. This is a different thing. Oh, this is a thing that they don't have an antibody for right now It's not hiv. What country are they from? Is it std? Yeah, like a new std because there's something we're starting to see in new york and miami miami If you're gonna don't fuck nobody in miami, I don't fuck in miami. That's the dirty fucking in miami You go home and parakeet I masturbate a lot. Listen, I don't want to hear about this though. Anyway, what else is going on?

Because you got a bunch of fucking shows. Yeah, I don't know. Well, oh, oh, I'm touring all of july So like I met I'm doing the house of comedy in minneapolis Edmonton, well, it's comic strip and Edmonton and uh, phoenix and then new york and philly So it's cool because i'm getting i'm headlining got them all those places I'm doing comedy juice at gotham end of july and i'm doing um the new philly punch line. Have you done it? No, i'm a helium guy. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, so Philly's a great comedy town. They'll fucking love you. I'm excited to go. I mean, I love philly. I love philly Um, so i'm doing that. I don't know my show second season of my playboy show just wrapped

So I just finished shooting that um, i'm working on some shows with sam trippley that we got We've been like developing some stuff. So I just always keep a lot of irons in the fire Oh, and I have my podcast which I got to get you on some time. Which one now is this by the pool No, no, okay, so this is this is date fails. I've been doing date fails for a long time, which is like you were middleman No glickman now glickman middleman glickman and I aren't doing it together anymore Just because we're both so busy because he booked a moot like he's in that new storks movie that's coming out He's got a bunch of shit going on too, which is awesome. So happy for him. I love that kid's show. He was on Oh, uh, yeah that Nickelodeon show was first on the show. So I would watch big time rush

I would watch the show. I love both. There was two shows on that one and siren kate The one with ariani the fucking young son. Oh, yeah, that was a good fucking show. I love it. You have kids So you watch the channel great little fucking actress really? I never really I just knew when it got cancelled. There was a problem. I didn't know she was a singer I used to just watch the show at mercy While she was at the house in between shows I'd switch and I'd watch the show like you know because you have You're trying to sell a show. Yeah, so you want to see what other people are doing and I'm like, this isn't a bad show Yeah, and then

When it got cancelled I said to myself because when we tell you something Ariani was good on that show. Yeah, but the fucking other little dirty blonde chick She was a little better Really? Yeah, she's she's got she's got some fucking chance. What happened to her. Who the fuck? No, I don't know I don't see that's the problem with Nickelodeon is the kids grow Well, so the kids grow so fast everything changes like Michael Jackson One day his voice just fucking changed and you had a and you had to deal with it Like that Michael Jackson like that guy

Yeah, and voice change you had to deal with it. You're like what happened to his voice That's what happens to those shows the longevity is three years They'll try to shoot a hundred episodes in three years because they don't want the kids to change that much Uh, yeah, no, that's like that's a good point. That's why but I think you're dealing with it I'm johnny points But yeah, my uh Looking to shape a fucking league this these stories you told tonight by the way are exactly the story like so my date Files podcast is all about bad dates and bad sex and crazy stories and and what I do is if I look in the face and tell you something

This is gonna be A shocking fucking thing to you I'm 53 years old. Yeah I If I went on seven dates my whole life, I knew you were gonna say that you never take the girl down on like dates You just ended up like hooking up and stuff, right? The girl in bolder hooked up. That's how we hooked up. We went out and got a six pack and we got naked by cu stadium The girl in michigan I met I was doing comedy

And the people she showed up with didn't want to get her right back I don't know how this happened and she wanted to stay in my room. So I had two beds I woke up to her boyfriend calling the room threatening another calling the rehor You know every one of those things like there's always drama too. I didn't tell you about that There's always a boyfriend at me. We fought or whatever. Well, that's what happens when all the girls have Tomorrow is my wife's a nice 16th anniversary Aw, congrats. And now we like we met talked

And then we actually went out to a date like to Some cheap fucking food restaurant like jack in the box on island is on island. Yeah island and uh fountain We went in there and we ate and we talked and talked and talked and talked And then she took me home And then like two days later, I just woke up with a wild bug up my ass and I just walked through our house And woke her up. No way and she cooked to me And I knew at that moment. She made me like she had She made me like red beans and uh sausage and rice or something

And we split the soda and she gave me half the cigarette she had And I was like, this is my check and then somewhere along there. I invited a little lake have a soup The cabbage used to have a gig Yeah So she goes, let me tell you tomorrow. So the next day at the store. She goes, I go lake have a so you my cat has to come So she showed up with a cat in a box No way and we went to lake have a so the cat jumped out of the box I got under the fucking brakes

So we're doing 60 in the car and the cat's under the box and she can't step And then the speedometer broke and the windshield wipers wouldn't stop All this shit went on all the way to have a soup for 250 fucking dollars $250 would just spend the 75 in gas in those days And we drove back the next day and We've been together ever since that's amazing that your first date was at jack in the box You married her like we went somewhere Hooked up we went somewhere

And then we went to eat and I'm like, what do you want to eat? That's amazing jack in the box And we just sat outside jack in the box and talked that story gives me hope It really does. I think that's I can't play the game that most americans play where I have to Meet you and then have to put on a facade and have to wear a suit Have to tell you about my family. You tell me about my family. Meanwhile, you fucked 28 martians I fucked three russian hookers the two weeks before but I got to be on my best behavior Then we each got to end up in somebody's place And then that's why I always say that your job is a tough one

Especially when you go to the rooseville when you go anywhere because everybody fucking hits on you Even in an indiscreet way Like even guys that'll say i'm this and this and that yeah, I'll still work it to give you one last challenge There's an extra six days on this movie. You're right in right now. I have a beautiful film studio Let's go talk about your may be right there. You know what I'm saying like uh, it's really weird because I've seen guys operate And I was out there You know, now I have the job to with my daughter tell her to fucking traps Yeah, that's my job and you know what the trap is

Talking to the motherfucker body language. Look at his shoes. Is this fucking trouble. Is this a fucking story? You know You fucking know, you know right away. You know Right away. Yeah, you can't but sometimes your little pussy goes, you know, let me take a chance columbus And it always ends up bad. I find the good always ends up. I find the good. Oh, they all listen. I was thinking about Uh, I'm writing a book and it's fucking tough because you bump into shit that you tucked away. Do you want me to tell you something? I quit high school Might going into my senior fucking year Okay, like I was thinking about how all those years I was just like involved with women casually

But I'll tell you something going to my senior in high school. I quit There's not a woman In hell that wants to hang out with a high school graduate Who quit high school the fucking with a year left wait Like I just did thought about this this last week. Do we talk about this last time was here because I quit high school my senior year Did I ever tell you that? No. Yeah, I dropped out too, but I went back eventually and finished I went back but I was still three credits short So they wouldn't let me graduate on stage and get done my diploma. So what was the sense?

I said, we gotta go to summer school. You know what if you think I'm sitting in a fucking 90 degree office for six weeks My day, so you never finished no No way and then when I went to colorado, there was a thing called colorado mountain college And you gotta fill an application and they asked me if I was a high school graduate. I said, yeah, I'm what's your gpa You know me six point fucking two. What's with the question? And I gave them the application. Yeah, and I took 50 fucking credits before I got a letter from the university colorado Telling me the continuing ed department telling me I couldn't go anymore that I had a transfer into the university colorado of Another university of my choice, but I would lose credits on the transfer

But when I applied to the university colorado, they were like, we need all your paperwork And I said, well, that's it and they were like, where's your high school diploma? I'm like, I gave it to you the original time They said, no, you didn't No, you didn't and I'm like, so I had like they told me on a Tuesday And I had to take my gd that saturday. Oh, man But you did it. I took it and I passed it and they gave me the certificate and I took it in the end They're like, we thought you had I go, you know what I look for it. I can't find it I got it in jersey. Where'd you get it? Who the fuck knows? It was 30 000 years ago right down hosadeas

That's my name and that was the end of that. They never questioned it or not They told me on a Tuesday. I needed a high school diploma. I had been blowing them off for a month. Yeah, it's in the application Hilarious. No, it's not. It's in the application That's so crazy though that you were able to make it that far into college without having graduated high school And then they still cared you think at that point they'd be like, well, you're passing these classes. Fuck it. We'll just let you stay Fucking believe that. I mean, I got my first apartment with no idea and I kind of did the same thing Because I moved out when I was 17 Like I moved out many times because I didn't get along with my my mom growing up

So I kept moving out and like running away from home living with different people And then finally when I was 17 I just rented an apartment And I kept telling the guy I was 18 and I kept telling him I'd get him a copy of my id I just kept making up reasons for why I didn't have an id and I never gave him a copy of my id Until like seven months into the lease. I'd been living there and finally one day he came and he's like I can't let you stay here if you don't show me your id So I finally showed it to him and he's like this says you're 17. I was like, yeah And he's like, you can't live here and I was like, oh, I thought you only had to be 17

Like I just played dumb and acted like I didn't know and he let me stay for the rest of my lease He's like, no one can know you're under 18. You need to get a fake id He told me to get a fake id But he didn't make me get I mean he let me say he didn't really crazy the things you do and people That's why I don't believe in anything When people go what you need, you don't need to do nothing Well, my thing is I'm like, I'm paying the rent on time every month. I'm working. Who cares? We gotta move on. Why mind your business? Yeah, take the envelope. I'll drop an extra six pack. Well, let me give some shout outs

I get you shout out Okay, spooky happy 4th Sean or brian dante gazini kevin undergaro ron Spitalero kevin light nick buley and always Bob lalingas out there In chicago. What are you fucking kidding me? Or what? Fuck

I got dates coming for you next week after my surgery next monday. It's the no expectations tour starts at flappers Continues at the ice house and it goes to the comedy store I'll be working my hour from the special which i'm shooting october 15 and rosemont at the zanies So get your shit together. This is the no expectation you come you pay 10 You smoke a number and I'll just talk shit for an hour. Leo be there on the drums taping it You know how we do it And that's how it goes down cake quickly. That's awesome cake quickly always a pleasure to have you on talking about getting in the As for the first time. Can't believe I told you nobody has ever divided. Listen like I look at you

Like I know you've taken the ass once or twice. I didn't think that you'd do it on a weekly basis Thank you. Well, no just the ones thank you for your honesty. Thank you for my whole thing is like I gotta look at my daughter one day and go listen Let me tell you what happens at the end of this Like I had a friend a couple weeks ago Like a dear friend of mine. Tell me something fucking Disturbing like you know and uh

I had to think about how to attack this and I called the bag and I explained to her like In in today's world, I would never hit on you not Kate, but this girl right because you're so out of my league If I was dirty seven, I would never hit on you Do you understand this and she was like, I don't understand what you're saying. I go You're a bad motherfucker Like as a woman, this is my perspective like this is this is why I feel guilty because These girls right now are waking up one day going. Let me take a look back at my fucking sexual

misconducts over the year and they'll think about their six relationships that you know guys move on or you dated for four years And he couldn't marry you because you're not Jewish or there's always a fucking story, you know And you look back and then you think about those freezer fucking fucks that you fuck guys on the women's shit Freezer fucks. What the fuck are they thinking now? What the fuck are you thinking? You know and and and this is what I'm thinking like you know I don't talk about it that way or think about it that way because i'm ashamed of it because I have daughters So now I gotta sit mercy down when she's 12 and explain to her like this is the deal

You want to do this You gotta assume At this age ain't nothing gonna happen But that guy's always got a fucking story about you I was raised in the society that nobody goes home with the upper hand on you They may think they got the upper hand they may think they fucked you but you got a picture of their little dick Just to go so as soon as they start talking shit you email them that picture that one inch dick And tell them not only the next time you repeat. I got a grand a week off the top

Oh, there is to the publication where your mother's address on it, you know, you're always covered. I can never I can you know when I was a kid this chick sucked 18 dicks at a party one night Like one what one shot and she did it twice She tried to break the record And after everybody came she was record like her own record, okay She was a sophomore in high school. Oh, let me tell you something She I wasn't there. I was never I had heard the story and I was like damn But then I remember how fucking proved I was

No, it was like thank god. I wasn't there and then I saw her she was a knockout But I know that years later She was one of those chicks that probably either tied a bomb to herself and blew herself up Or shot people because even at that age you could tell she was a little demented Something had happened. Nobody just says sophomore year goes. No, I think I'll suck 18 Yeah, I'll suck 18 and I always thought about what she always thought about that night Like there's another girl that's on facebook that I remember one day Seeing her driving at 11 in the morning after I had heard

Like I was her friend I was really her friend. Yeah, I kept hearing things about like the girl you were The 18 day girl no no no no different girl. I was friends with this other girl In high school as a veteran summer school by sophomore year. He's petrified of the 18 day I'm petrified of her. I had this other girl. I was a friend of mine Sophomore. Yeah, I met her. She was hot But I always thought that she a dated older guys. Yeah But then over the years I started seeing hearing these fucking stories and I'd see her

Like oh, she's fucking badass, but she's my friend I can't ask it and one day in 1983 I'm walking home Coked out to the gills the night before Wishing the bluebird of happiness would come down and suck my dick and I see her driving a chevel One of those things and I see it. I go. Hey, she pulls up. She's like what's going on and ride out I go listen. I need a blowjob really bad. She's like getting in the car She took off in the car double parked on like a one-way street Suck my pole and gave me right the way I had to go. Who does this happen to like who does this happen to for years?

I thought but I just was I was right. I would never do this and Joey Diaz would never do this a coked out Joey Diaz perverted. Oh sure. Yeah, no Oh, please but I mean, who does this happen to that people are just like, all right hop in they're just down Not me I did have one guy friend. Okay. It's the only time I ever happened a friend guy. I've been friends with for years One night we're hanging out He's always begged me to let him go down on me And I've always been like no because I'm not going to fuck you and if you go down on me

I feel guilty and I feel obligated like I have to and I'm not touching your dick But we're friends. So finally one night, uh, we were doing drugs. I was like, you know what? All right, you can but I'm not touching it. Don't take it out. I don't want to see it We're not having sex. You can only go down on me and then you have to leave So he did he went down on me and it was actually It was actually great. Okay. And then while he was going down on me He started to take his dick out and I saw it and I was like, hey, I told you we're not doing that and he's like I just he's like, I'm just taking out. I'm just going to play with it

And I picked up my phone while he's still going down to me. I go, okay. I'm calling you in uber It'll be here in two minutes. She have two minutes left And then he goes turn over. Let me just eat your asshole while we wait for the uber Oh, yeah, we're professionals. That's a professional right there. So then the uber comes and then he's literally eating my ass I'm like, okay, your uber's here. So to this day we laugh about it like every time like randomly He'll just text me. He'll be like, let me come eat your asshole. I wait for an uber like all it gets hilarious one time only That shit I don't mind because your friends

Every once in a while my peanut butter falls in your chocolate the other way around But we've never had sex or anything the shit that kills me today or the stories I was telling me that night like that was disturbed like and I'm not have to write them because they disturbed me that You gotta write a book about it. It's it's it's I'm telling you it's sick. Well, my wife and I broke up I had this friend who sold coke. Yeah, and there was a nurse who was fucking gorgeous Who had a built boyfriend? built beautiful Donna's looking motherfucker

And I became friends and on one day she invited me up to where she lived and god forbid she lived right across the street from me One day her and the Donna's woke up. She was walking. She broke up. She was walking around sad And guess what six months later me and my wife break up So one night I'm all coked up. I'm like this chick's beautiful. I gotta figure something out And I never forgot I went up there my dog knocked on the door and she was drunk. She was going through her breakup And I'm like jackpot You're ricka And I don't but just going in there and

What's going on? What are you thinking about? I go nothing. I'm just lonely as you are I think we should get to work and she goes you came on with the right plan. I'll get the condoms No way with swap spit and that's cool. And this went on for like six months and the co-dealer was in love with her He was in love with her and I would never say nothing. I was just going over there and just freaking mother and do you know about Six years ago. He came to a comedy show and he goes like talk to you for a second. He goes All those fucking years you were fucking susanne. No Because she finally came clean one night. I was heartbroken

I was in love with I was preparing to marry and you're going over that two in the morning And just giving a coke and fucking and sucking. You must be really good and bad. No, you have to be No, I used to be a good manipulator with the cocaine That's what I was. I mean whatever The chicks got bringing you back. No, no, no, no, no. I just Listen, there's two types of women There's the women that are very conventional There's a couple different types. I can't relate to that. But there's women that's conventional

But one of the girls I loved the most in my life Told me that she always liked the shock effect And the shock effect meant She would let me rip her underwear off that turned her on the effect of me raping her turned her on But don't touch her bras. They're $44 a piece. I'll fucking kill you. Shut up. That's hilarious See we go rip my panties off, but don't touch my bra And I was young when that happened like I wasn't even ready for this girl when we hooked up Yeah, and I had our pussy made me fall in love

Yeah, and then I got angry at it and I stopped dating her That never happens to me I fell in love with this girl because she did things to me that Really, uh took me out of the norm, but that whole year with her Taught me to one side of women That there's women that go out and they want to plan shit But there's women that go out after a few cocktails there in a dark place like you And you know what Kate, you know what Kate what I gotta tell you something

Uh, I know you three weeks We talk at work, you know, you're fucking beautiful. Thank you. You're sick. No, I'm just telling you if we would vote 24 and 23 This is what happens in the society that we don't have right that Some women some guys would just say to you that Kate it's over. Listen. I'm your friend in the shit, but we gotta fuck Okay, you know and some women like that approach more than the Kate, how are you joey dears? Listen?

I got this project and I want to include you in it come over to my house tomorrow at nine and we'll read With other girls then you get there. There's no other girls. There's Dom Perignon and I got a fucking robot Okay, there's some women who get turned down by that. They go someplace dangerous. No, so my approach to it was I don't lie to nobody. Yeah, I like that. You know what I would tell women I'm not gonna fuck your brains up because that's not gonna happen. Well, I would tell them listen to me I'm gonna eat your pussy too small comes on. I'm gonna put a coke right on but I'm gonna flip you listen to my voice You see how my voice chains that's very white talking So that's a different dude it works man every time he starts I'm like

Plus at a bar after three cocktails. Yeah, we all become something when not visually So, right, you know man women like you come It's very rarely because I could go up to like those years all this shit happened By me going out with Lee to get a beer It didn't happen because I was part of match.com Because I'm looking to get married right all these things happen because Lee talked me to go out and smoke a joint I don't even fucking drink But while I was at the bar

There's three girls that are sitting there and I'm looking at those nine fucking jerks They're sending drinks and being loud and one guy's talking about his boat and I'm going, you know what? You see these motherfuckers with their money and shit Lee. I'm gonna prove a point to you. You see one of those girls I got nine dollars in my pocket. I'm gonna eat one of their fucking pussies tonight Lee was gonna know you won't watch me and these guys would spend thousands on these girls I wouldn't even send that bitch a drink That's why you're the one she won That shit is what works because you act too cool and I would catch it go to the bathroom

I count how many women win the bathroom before I know there's three stalls in there. So I know there's timing and I would go to the bathroom and she's walking I wouldn't even let her walk around that thing and right there you hold them by the fucking side But it's not a rapey hold right. It's a love hold where my fucking big hand Will wrap around you and it's the best hand you felt since you were four and you weren't your daddy's lap No Has ever made you feel like that because it's not a rapey hand. It's a comforting hand. Yeah And not only that I would let my hand go around and I would let my fingers side boob

Never that's a little class. I would touch the middle of your spine on your back So do you understand me? I'm not getting no side boob on you. You're walking on my fucking right hand Yeah, I'm gonna catch you as you're coming right here as ugly as I am not when I was this when I was younger And I'm gonna wrap my hand around you and I'm gonna pull you close to me not in front of you I'm not gonna rub my cock. That's a little class That control of my hand on your lower back Should make your pussy get wet if I'm doing it correctly Because you haven't felt that since daddy held you after you stood around in the world series

You hold that back and right there you go into their ear and you go finish the train When I go back to my plans I'm gonna suck your pussy till nothing's left And you let go of their back and it's like a fucking swivel They would walk back to the table you go pee you come out and they're ready to go It is fucking but that hand that would probably work if you were really hot No It would work at 12 30 at night on because not of what it's how I said it to you and how my hand

Touched the bottom of your spine how you felt my palm. Look at this gorilla hand. This is dad's hand, bitch I don't know man. I need someone to try you give this advice to someone someone comment me with this It's the hand I'm telling you In a right situation nobody get that hand on the spine listen in fighting jujitsu punching its balance When I look at a girl and I go hi my name is my name is showy. I've been looking at you all night I really like to take you for a date. By the way is my card I'm vp of operations of whatever my car is the Lamborghini and you're like, okay You're a cool motherfucker, but then this chubby looking John candy looking motherfuckers gonna walk up to insane

Listen, I've been looking at you I'll tell you what I did Well, I was looking at I called the house and I told my mother to rip the Beyonce poster off my wall Yeah, I live with my mother. I know you're looking at me like you live with your mother live with my mother I got a nice basement. No you lost me you lost me, but I'm gonna tell you something right now I'm gonna suck your fucking pussy and I'm gonna lick your asshole. I'm gonna put a coke rocking your asshole And just those words in that time Oh man, I'm now for a word from our sponsors

Let me get those sheets. Lee you're killing me here Oh That fucking hand you have me at Beyonce This fucking hand right here Has closed more deals from open more legs for you. It's no no no. Yeah because this gorilla hand I would slip it in and grab your spine and cup you And let you know I got you if you fall I got you ain't nothing ever gonna happen to you I just I gotta say I don't know if I don't know if that would work

I'm telling you I'm telling you you have no idea with three cocktails in you This fucking gorilla hand around you with me with some gel in my hair. It's all over the shot It's the gel with an eight ball. You're going down. You're going deep into the murky water in the underworld I think it might have more to do with that line that I'm gonna leave what's going on over there feeling I have none of these The fact that you say any of these things happen to you like I was sitting there that night And you were just rattling it off and it was it didn't seem like it was bothering you at the moment. You were like, oh, yeah

You seemed fine with it to me I don't think you're the saddest you want us to thank you You know why because I had to look at it with levity. It's like you have to look at it with levity. It's really disgusting I can't keep it in if I tell you guys about mugging people and my mother It's disgusting. It's not though It's something that they're gonna question me when I go to when st. Peter St. Peter's gonna ask me about a couple feveries going to ask me about my drug use And they say all those women that you fucking lied to

That jade dead pussy and they're still waiting for you to come back. You didn't lie Well, that's they were lying you really that's how I got off the hook. I always tell them listen. I'm out of coke What do you mean? You told me how unable let me go out to the car and get it So you think st. Peter is going to be mad that you didn't give them more drugs I don't fucking know. There's something wrong in all these stories There's something really and nobody broke up and nobody listen There was just a lot of Stuff that I look at but back at and I'm not fucking proud about like can I just say as having been married for 10 years

And super sexually frustrated that sometimes I think to myself if there had been some dude I never cheated but if there had been a guy on the side that was just giving me great sex every once in a while So I could stay with the guy who really loved and cared about and not have to Leave him completely that in some ways that guy would be kind of like a champ You know like sometimes when you fuck someone who has somebody else you're what you're doing is making their relationship a little better Because maybe they need that maybe she needed that and she loved him She doesn't want to leave him but she needed a little something He wasn't giving her and he'll never know and you

Satisfied her and they're still together because of you. It's fucking disgusting Now for a word from my sponsor before the show started tonight I was telling cater story, but when I got surgery a couple years ago I had me on these and I took a shower before the surgery and that night I couldn't sir I couldn't take a shower. So I couldn't Jump in the shower till the next morning with like a bag around my knee And when I went in there, you always take a whip to see what your balls smell like, you know And my balls were completely dry. This is after, you know, 24 hours of no shower

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Amazing, and they got beautiful women and men style. So get your shit together. All right. You look tremendous in a mere savage like that Anyway, I'll tell you what man. I read a couple magazines from here to there My wife gets a couple magazines sent to the house, you know popular science She gets the men's world for me. She got it for a subscription I get jujitsu world, you know rolling stone all that type of stuff now. Thanks to pizza. We're all binge eating Thanks to netflix. We're all binge watching now with texture. We can all start binge reading Listen, man. There's nothing better than reading. Trust me. It's all about to be a thing when it comes to magazines You know what you like and with texture you can get all the magazines you want in one convenient place

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That's right free right now when you go to texture.com slash joey again That's texture.com slash joey start reading magazines the way they're supposed to be read and as usual My main people over on it.com. They got a sale going on 4th of july I don't need the code. Just go there right now read the fine selection of supplements they got I can't get you a break on the motherfucking weights. What do you think I am? Fucking joe weeder my weight days are over Go to supplements cock suckers from the green earth to the tmac or mct oil To the motherfucking alpha brain to the motherfucking hemp protein milkshake. They got it all for you. So go to hannah.com right now

Check out put it all in the cart on the way out pressing what church boom churr ch like a motherfucker and get 10 off your first order to live at the house I want to thank texture one more time. I want to thank me undies.com one more time And I want to thank my main motherfuckers over down it one more time How's that for you? And I want to thank my beautiful fucking niece Jake Quigley who is a fucking star in the making five years from now. We'll be laughing at this You'll be calling the same joey. You got to take the interview off me getting fucked Mbc's give me 80 grand the I don't want to know I put on the application

I never got fucked in the ass and I do not know charlie jay. You know what I'm saying at all I love you. Thanks for having me. Thank you. I missed you. I haven't seen you up close and personal And uh, you look great and uh, I wish you all the luck man. Thank you You know go to uh, go to cake quickly dot com. Yeah and get all your tour dates And get her bio get her pictures and emails on their twitter facebook And uh, she's a great lady with a great future and jump on the bandwagon now Don't come later on motherfuckers Just because you know somebody else is bandwagon right now. You're like fuck kate

And then 10 years from now. I always loved you ever since the joey dears, but no, you didn't cuck suck it You didn't subscribe coming one minute like joey. That's right. Please. I love you guys kate. Good luck to you always You're always family. You can always come on here lisa yat. Nobody loves you more than me cuck suck it Stay black this show was brought to you by texture Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com slash joey You'll gain immediate entry to all of the top magazines including back issues and bonus video content Start binge reading for free right now when you go to texture.com slash joey. That's texture.com slash joey Show is also brought to you by me undies

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