Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #400 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 28, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio! Thank you for 400 episodes! This podcast is brought to you by:   Indochino - Go to Indochino.com and use code "church" at checkout to get any premium suit for only $399, thats up to 50% off.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 07/27/2016.
  

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Strongbone, New Mood, Swimtech Immune, and Swimtech Sport. Oh shit. Oh shit. Wednesday the 27th. July. Oh. Kick that fucking mule lead. Bong hits the Jerry's kick, Scott Suckers.

Church of what's happening now. Oh, oh. It's a fucking free for all, Scott Suckers. Uncle Joey here, my main little brother. Lee Syat. First off, we got to open up on an apology. I got a call Monday from Lee Syat about four o'clock that he came over here and the lights wouldn't turn on and the fucking air was off or some bullshit.

And he turned on the computer. You know, Lee confuses me with his jargon. So let me tell you the other side of the fucking story. Tuesday, Sunday, I have a great weekend with the family. I get off the antibiotics. You know me. I'm free and clear. I'm doing some kettle bells.

I'm walking the neighborhood. Sunday morning I go to Jiu Jitsu, 12 o'clock class. Great day. I breathe. I get beat up. It's a little different than the other day. Monday I go, let me go back there and had a meeting on Tuesday and we had episode 400 Monday night.

We had that's the cool and we had dice tonight. So we had the weekend plan. Everything is beautiful. Ready to go. I go to Jiu Jitsu at 12 and I stay for the mobility class. It's a little hot here, but I'm not blaming it on the heat during the mobility class. I feel a little bit fucking robots. I feel a little bit.

In your stomach or where? My whole body. Like you're doing something, your whole body just feels like it just goes. So you shake it off a little bit. I have, I bring a watermelon protein drink, 29 grams of protein. You mix it with 16 ounces of water. Just to calm me down for a little while and I drive home on this particular day. I had drank that already.

I was thirsty as fuck. So I go to the gas station by Albertos and I get a water and some fucking horrible taste in Gatorade. Like I haven't drank in Gatorade in 20 fucking years. Little sugar. So I just get Gatorade because it's a hot day and that's what people say to do. Oh yeah. Re-hydrate yourself and you have to.

Electrolyte. First off, if anybody knows anything about anything, you got a pediolite that bitch. Any hot given fucking day, anything like that guys, I'm telling you this, I did not know this 15 fucking years ago. Don't quote me on this shit. But I will tell you how I knew because when I went to shoot the longest yard, the first time Goldberg saw me. Right.

That's the first thing he said to me the first day when I was running. He goes, I hope you're drinking pediolite. Cause that's the only thing that's going to bring you back. And just has like it because it's for babies, right? Yeah. So he would give me the grape stuff. Now at this time, it was his. This is not my first encounter with Goldberg.

I didn't know wrestling. I knew nothing. The other guy was big at that time, which I didn't know either. 1998, 2000. I don't know nothing about wrestling. I had seen Goldberg on the best damn sports show when I did sketches for them. So I knew nothing about this man. I knew nothing about professional wrestling.

When I was a kid, I was a fan of Chief J Strongbow and shit like that on channel nine on Saturday nights, a Sunday mornings, whatever the fuck it came on. So now I'm on the longest yard, first fucking day of basic training that gets us out there on the field. I'm 400 fucking pounds, maybe 390. It's a, I don't know how many feet of elevation and I'm out there fucking around. And all of a sudden somebody says, you better give that kid oxygen. I'm huffing and puffing.

I hadn't done a jumping jack in 10 fucking years. I've been snorting blow for 10 years, eating fried food, living on fucking comedy club menus. You know, I wasn't taking care of myself at all. And all of a sudden I got the fucking longest yard and my blood pressure is high on the set and they're fucking worried and they're threatening me. It's only going to be a four week contract. So this is the first day and I'm huffing and fucking puffing. And thank God for one of the trainers.

He said, do me a favor, get them on oxygen therapy, which means that they put those two nozzles in your nose. Okay. And you get oxygen like a fucking animal. And then Goldberg came over. So my face was red during, we were doing the rehearsals and he goes, are you drinking? He goes, I don't want you to do this shit. They shouldn't be, you got a buddy double coming in.

Don't do this. She not in this type of shape, which was, it was the truth at the time. I shouldn't have been out there. I was going to dive a heart attack like those football players and he gave me a pedialyte and he goes, I want you to do me a favor. All I want you to do while you're here in the daytime is walk around in circles on around the field. So that's all I did the first two weeks of shooting basically.

I walked around the field, but back to the story, he gave me a pedialyte and I saw the wrestlers were bringing it in by the gallons. Some of the football players, the other football players were drinking Gatorade. Right. I've heard of pedialyte when you get sick. Yeah. Pedialyte when you get sick, when you have that type of. So I don't know dick about dick.

I'm driving home and all of a sudden my body's tightening up. It's scary when you're driving. Oh, I'm making a left. I make a right. I get onto Burbank Boulevard. I'm driving home and I feel that in my body again. I get home. It feels like that.

Now I, when I was a young, young kid, I used to play basketball all fucking day in Jersey. So between the humidity and being out there all day, all I would do is drink fucking ice teas from the little dairy thing on top of 38. They used to be a dairy thing. They're like 50 feet from the basketball courts. Right. And if you walk to the dairy, they'd say those, you were too young. No, not even in a bottle tea and then a fucking cardboard container like that milk comes in.

No, like the kids are missing. This is 1975. Lee, that's how iced tea came. There was only maybe two brands of ice teas. There was Lipton in a can, which was not bad. Lipton in a can is not bad if you doped it up. Again, you got to take it home, put it over ice, squeeze some lemon on that motherfucker, a little teaspoon of real fucking sugar.

Bam! You got yourself a nice iced tea. Did you ever try a nice tea? That's what I said. That was my first introduction to tea and that's why I can't drink anything else because that's so sweet. That's what I thought tea was. No.

And it tasted delicious. Those little teas delicious. And now I try to eat it. Oh, they give you a tea that tastes like dick. But they got that fucking red tea that's not bad with a little fucking cancer sugar. The blue package is tremendous. Oh, at Starbucks? I make it at the house.

You go to Starbucks, you can make it anyway. Back to the fucking story, Lee. So I get home and I got this thing. But when I was about 13, 14, they had to take me to the doctor because my body would stiffen up and I'd shake. And the doctor says, I'm in it. Yo! Now you're hallucinating.

Why are you busting my balls, Lee? I smoke 52 drinks today trying to recover. I think you were knocking on the table anyways. I'm sorry. No, I wasn't knocking on nothing. My hands on the fucking table. Why would I knock? One of my Johnny fucking to a plain blackjack.

So I fucking get home and I get this stiff thing and I'm not hungry at all, guys. And it's about four o'clock. Lee calls me with the studio thing and I go, Lee, I'll call you in like two hours. And I tried to lay down. I couldn't fall asleep. I started getting chills. And I thought something was coming over me. I called Lee back about six.

Lee goes, you know what? Nothing's back working. I called. That's the cool. I called. I go, we got no fucking power. You know, forget it. I could tell you three hours or 20 minutes.

I don't want to waste your time and make you take an Uber for 40 bucks all the way up. Yeah. I love you. I'll see you the next time. And I guess me and Lee were going to do the podcast. I was going to see how I felt. I had taken like an Advil for pain because I had like a migraine fucking that egg. And I take that and I kept drinking water.

I was not hungry at all. I didn't put any sugar in my body. And I'm sitting there and about fucking six 30. I'm talking to my wife. I got a hooded sweatshirt on in my living room with jeans, a blanket and a fucking pillow on top. Meanwhile, it's so hot outside that the power went out. Oh my fucking God.

I am shaking fucking cold. And finally I feel something in my stomach and I walked to the fucking door. I open it and I just look head over and I stick my finger down my throat and there it comes out because I know when it's time to stick your finger down. No, you didn't tell me this. Why do you stick your finger down your throat? Because why fucking play the game? It's sitting there.

You could feel it. Unless you're retarded, you can't fucking feel it that you have something that's stuck there. You're burping it. You're burping it. Now I'm not burping food. I'm burping like an acid, which I don't burp fucking acids. I never burped that shit.

That Gatorade was horrible. So that was part of the burp also. You know, I was going to say this the other day, I was wondering if maybe the cold water made you throw up because a couple of times like when I've been too high on edibles. No. If I drink, it makes me throw up. It doesn't make you shit like that and give you fucking feet. Oh, no, I know.

So I started barfing in the middle of the barf. Boom. I fart and it's pure shit. That guy had the pants on, the underwear on from fucking jujitsu. So I went in the shower, came out. Now we all know it's official. I'm fucking sick. I call Lee.

I say the podcast is off. I'm about to get sick. I go back outside. Lee, you should have heard it hitting the leaves on the floor. It was like I had a pot of water and just thrown it over. It was like, I hadn't eaten anything solid all day. I tell you guys, I eat a yogurt. I drink an almond milk smoothie for breakfast.

And it's even worse when it's all liquid. I didn't even have a protein shake that day. I had nothing. I went up to jujitsu on the fucking whatever because I put a half a banana in it for the carbs. I went to fucking jujitsu. Next thing you know, guys, by eight o'clock, I was like a hundred and one. My wife had the fucking white towels on my head.

You know, I tried to lay down. Then I shit the bed on the way to the bathroom to puke. I shit a little piece on the bed. I'm honest with you guys because we're going to tell you that, you know, this is how sick I fucking was at nine o'clock at night. So I went through one pair of jeans and three pair of shorts. But the best was I ran outside and I had shorts on with no underwear on and I puked. And a little piece of shit went out of my ass and landed on the porch.

Exactly where I stand. X marks the spot where I stand and do the fucking morning periscope. I hadn't even known since I went back there at night to puke again. I called my wife. I go, look at this. She goes, oh my God, how embarrassing. The next day we had to chisel it off. I call Lee.

We had to chisel this fucking thing off. You look into the next morning. Because when we got sick, my wife didn't want to fucking see it. I had already shit the bed, shit repair fucking shorts, the toilet. I mean, it was a fucking nightmare, Lee. Oh my God. So now I'm up all fucking night, guys. Tremendous.

12 o'clock. I'm sleeping two hour intervals and waking up to shit and puke. Two hour intervals to wake up to go. And I either run to the toilet or I have patience. I hate puking in fucking toilets. You know what, man? How many years am I going to puke in my toilet? I started my life puking outside in the weeds when I was a drunk kid.

Then I went inside the toilets and now it's been 30 years in toilets. I'm done. I want to puke back outside the jungle where I belong. So I go out to the balcony. I just barf. Listen to me. My neighbor downstairs, the people downstairs have like a bunch of, they got a bunch of like shit hidden and they got a kid's pool on top of it to protect it from the fucking rain.

I puked on that kid's pool maybe 18 times and it's right next to the window. I can't believe she heard it. I'm telling you, it's like I was taking pieces at two in the fucking morning. It's like I was taking pieces of the fucking pork chops and putting it together. I'm Matt. I'm on the podcast. Andrew Dice Clay calling in fucking live. He's going to be at the Coney Island Amphitheater, July fucking 30th, Jim Florentine, my sister,

Eleanor Kerrigan and fucking wheels, Parisi. If you don't go, I don't want you talking to me ever again. Tell him, Andrew. Am I talking to you? Am I off with you? You're fucking on. Fuck. Tell him.

Asbury, but that's how connected we are. You just happened to fucking call and I said you were supposed to be on tonight. But things happen. So God bless you. If you don't go to the call, he's back in fucking Brooklyn. This is big. This is bigger than fucking Hillary Clinton getting elected. Fuck that little affair.

This is Andrew Dice Clay coming back a fucking comedy hero. Do you understand me? Most people don't even get a chance to do it fucking half a time. This guy's coming back with a fucking medal and then some. He's coming back with dead Vietnamese is on a fucking chain. You are so out of your mind. I'm glad I called. I needed the laugh.

I've been so fucked up all week. Well, you're fucking ready to go. I love that you're in Coney Island. That's why I texted you the other day. You would text to me like what time was it? Like two in the morning? I was puking my brains off. I was sick to death.

I had the glasses on. The diarrhea. And when you texted me, I was so fucking stoned out. I could tell when you said something about Matt Dylan. I was laughing at all my agony. Wait, wait, wait. Let me go to the text. Let's go to the text, ladies and gentlemen.

We're here to fuck this. But I saw it the next day. You know, and I'll go, uh, oh, I said, uh, I'm telling you crazy. Fuck. When you were my boy Dylan, my son got me all fucked up. I think I'm going to book. I think I'm going to look for Pokemon. Oh my God.

People are so fucking stupid. It's something that means balls. They're all humans. That's what I'm texting you. You know. Oh, fuck. Joey. Joey.

I'm here. I've been doing it all week. So when you texted me, you're going to picture this. I'm sitting in this, this, you know how like, you know, in your bathroom or something, I have like a pocket door on the toilet. And, and we painted the room like this blood red with the toilet room. Because it's the late night smoke out room that you could blow the smoke out the window where you sit on the toilet backwards.

And you're trying to call me and text me and I'm stoned out of my fucking mind. You know, and all I'm doing for whatever reason is thinking about Fussy at that hour. You know, and you're texting me about the podcast. I was out of my fucking mind. I was up for like five that morning. Let me tell you something. I was, I was as sick as a fucking dog that night. What are you really?

Oh, puking. I was just telling them on the show. I had to cancel the show Monday night. First time ever. Well, what happened to you? What do you think it was? It's not good now. Oh, no, no, no.

Now I'm still a little queasy. I haven't barf to shit myself today. So we're halfway there, but I'm stuck by tomorrow. I'll be fine. I'll be back to 100%. So fucking jelly tea the best. But I heard you were fantastic and fucking Philly. That's number one.

Oh, Philly was great. Philly Delphia is always the fucking. And then I got to tell you this because it was a compliment because it was from Bill Barr. And he said, what was it at the comedy store? You know, how you came on? He goes, did you ever try to follow Joe Diaz? And I go, well, that would be kind of stupid.

You know, because he goes, he's a fucking monster up there. You know, and he goes, he just like bill was blown out. You know, and I go, well, that's what you get, you know, when you have him with you, you know, because I didn't even know if I could go on after that. You know, so that's a great compliment because I love Bill Barr. You know, but I know what you can do. It's not like I haven't seen it.

You know what I mean? Hey man, you fucking started it for me. You know what, Joey, we're cut from the same cloth. You're a fucking killer up there. You know me, I have no problem giving guys credit for it. And, you know, I know your fans will listen and the same nice kissing ass because I never kissed an ass in my life to anybody,

but when a guy is great, I just like telling him, he's fucking great. And it's really nice to know that there was some real politically incorrect motherfuckers that don't listen to a fucking thing when it comes to that stand up and you just do it. The way you've been doing it from the day I met you, you know, and that's what makes great comedians

because if we can't do it the way we do it, what the fuck is comedy ever going to be again? You know what I mean? You understand that. First of all, thank you. And no, no, I believe it. I believe it. If comedy is no truth behind the act, then you've got no act and you're going nowhere. So that's it, what you gotta say.

Uh, I love you. I'll call you when I finish it. And... You totally missed it. I threw you off. Oh, my God, I'm stoned. I'm just as stoned as you on Monday night. I'm stoned right now. Look, I know I'm going into Brooklyn.

The empathy is going to be fantastic. It's going to be a fantastic fucking show. I didn't even call you. I didn't even know you were on the air now, so it's great that you are. And I do want the fans to know they're going to walk out of that fucking empathy and are shaking their heads. So, and I never seen nothing like that.

Because that's how I perform. That's what I like to bring to the public. You know, if they're paying for a fucking ticket, I want them to walk out happy and go, the greatest show. Just the greatest fucking show. And that's what I like to bring to the table. Sounds like to go back to Brooklyn,

see the friends, see the family, see the fans. But honestly, I just called you to tell you that, you know, what you do for me with the podcast and the way you pop me, you're just aces in my fucking book.

That's it. Amen. You took me out of the darkest hole in my life when I saw you fucking do those jokes. So shit, Joey. Yeah. We move on, my brother. Fuck it. It's that you could take two different roads

when you come out of what you were dealing with. You could even go all fair again, where you could do take the eye of cash and just go down the road you've gone down and I'm proud of the success you fucking became. That's what makes me happy.

You didn't just disappear. You weren't a comedy store guy with a big mouth that disappeared in two years. You stuck with it and now you're a major fucking comic in this world. And there's a lot to be said for that because I encourage that shit.

You know, I wouldn't care if he came on in front of me and just destroyed the crowd. That's the way it should be with anybody either co-headlining or opening to you. We're a murder these motherfuckers. Give them that money's worth.

We're a very stressed out, uptight fucking world. And it's guys like us that make it a little easier for people to go day to fucking day. And that's the bottom fucking line. I love you, cocksuck. I'll call you back with all my heart. My all time favorite,

the all time heavyweight. For Saturday night, Coney Island, he's back in Brooklyn. That was crazy, guys. That was just pure, he just called out of the women. I just wanted to let you guys know that he's a good dude, man.

And I appreciate his compliments and his encouragement over the years, guys. It's nice that, you know, I've been getting a lot of emails this week. I wanted to talk to you about this leak

because it's so fucking important in life. And we don't get it. We really do not get it. And I cannot believe people who have been following the podcast,

people who have been emailing with me, people who follow comedy in general, people who are seeing behind the curtain, email me this week that, listen, I've done some fucked up shit on the show. I've gotten emails about you getting farts in the face

and, you know, things that I've said or people disagree. But this week I looked at the emails one day and they were astronomical for like a one day. It was like 18 one day. And it was like 13 the other on Gmail.

So I can't imagine, this is church Gmail, I can't imagine what's on Beauty and the Beast Gmail. You know, some emails were about addiction, blah, blah, blah. You know what these were about? That I can't fucking believe that they didn't put you all over the oddball festival.

I mean, people like questioning me, like what the fuck was wrong with me, why did I agree to that they didn't even black out my name, you know, and I couldn't believe it. I answered the emails back as honestly as I could be.

I was not angry at nobody. I did not attack anybody, nothing like this. The emails were basically I had to take my time for this. And this was the morning after no, this was the morning before I went to jiu-jitsu. The Sunday

morning I looked at the computer and that's when I got the 12 what the fuck is this? And people like, hey man, I can't believe that you're only hosting at the oddball festival. And it was like people trying to make me feel bad about taking a job

that maybe, I don't know, maybe I'm overqualified for. I don't fucking know. I get a call and they ask me if I'm interested in doing the oddball festival. My agent says I wouldn't do it for that price but maybe I can get you this price. Would you be interested? And I go, if you think

that's whatever you think is fair, I'll do it. You're my agent. He went back and he got me a little bit more. He didn't get me the magical number but he got me different props and that helped. So I thought about it at first guys. I'm a fucking old man guys it's five fucking days of traveling

you know, it's roughing it up. I haven't roughed it up in ten years, Lee. You know what I'm saying? I've been doing comedy very avant-garde. Same city every, for the whole weekend. Yeah, you know, I haven't roughed it up in 15 fucking years. You know, when you do

Tuesday and Wednesday somewhere Thursday, Friday, Saturday somewhere and then Sunday, eight hours out of that fucking town. So I agreed to it. I said, sure I'll do it. It's to me, it was

a good lineup. I knew it was Gabriel I knew it was Sebastian. I know it's Tom Segoba. I think it's Burke Kreischer. I know it's the girl that's been on the podcast that you like a lot, that we both like a lot, the writer Sarah Tiana. Oh right, absolutely. So I got a nice lineup. Why would I

beat the guy? I couldn't believe I had to break this down to people that for once in my life I get to work with my friends. Not only that, Gabe invited me on his bus. So I just saved on plane tickets in between the three fucking cities. I'm going to take the red eye with them. They're going to pick us up

take us to the hotel sleep all day and then we leave Friday morning for Tampa on the bus. We get there by 11 12. We spend the day in Tampa. We do Tampa. We get on the fucking bus and drive well fucking night. We get to Indy, get on the bus

whatever and then we fly out of Indianapolis. Now I'm pretty honored to fucking do that guys. You know why? Because nobody's ever invited me to dick. Yeah

it must feel great and then you've spoken before about like people not taking, I don't want that kind of job. This is a great tour that who knows, maybe you are over qualified technically to host, but hosting

they get to see you all night. They only see each comic for like 15 minutes. You're going to go up there 5 6 times. They're going to see you all night. We got to do 10 at the beginning and 10 after the intermission. Okay. And then bring them up. Yeah, but yeah and then

you're going to joke around with them. Brody did it. The only oddball I ever went to in Irvine and Paul and I still talk and I told Brody on the podcast. I said you were out of that big headline or names. We still talk about Brody because you come out

and you're interacting with them. It's going to be fun. You're going to really like it. No, I love all that shit. But I couldn't believe people were angry at me for hosting. Like you should have fucking headlined. They were actually attacking some people on Twitter. Oh Jesus like fuck

you. And I'm like Jesus Christ guys. I made the decision because I thought it was just nice enough that they thought of me. The guys that picked those tours. They have so many people to deal with. I don't know what happened. I heard rumors in the beginning that they had

all these big names. So something must have happened. They called me they asked and I took the fucking job. Now, in my world I could have been Joe Bananas and said fuck you. Give me a co-headlining spot and give me this type of money

and I'll do the show and they would have responded maybe no maybe yes but you know what man for me these fucking 17 years out here for 12 of those years nobody talked

to me. Nobody talked to me. Yeah, Adam Sandler put me in movies and fucking Ramey and shit like that. But comically nobody fucking talked to me and I gotta tell you something if you listen to those first couple CDs you wouldn't talk to me either. So I can't blame it

on that too but this is a journey this is why it's good to get those CDs and go wow that's what happens if you stick life out sometimes but in my world I've never been invited to Montreal I've never been invited to all the fucking

festivals. How many comedy festivals they have every weekly? 22? When do they call Uncle Joey for a fucking festival? Not that I would go because I'm busy with all the things and shit. No. It's nice to be invited. No, it's like today listen man I always get

put in these fucking predicaments. There's this thing going on in my hometown okay. Okay. He died on 9-11. I never knew the young man but everybody says he's a sweetheart of a kid and it was a fucking shame and hey listen everybody who died on 9-11

it's a fucking shame but that's not what this is about they always hit me up in August and they always say hey just in case if you're going to be in the area drop in and do the fucking benefit and every year I say

no I'm not going to be in the fucking area and every year this is going on for six years now seven years hey if you're going to be in the area why don't you drop by because I don't live in the fucking area so today Carlos

Neri one of my closest friends in the fucking world closest friends from fucking fifth grade him and his brother Sergio he sends me a note again because we've been talking a lot and he goes my lean Mooney's mother my lean Mooney was a kid we went to a girl we went to school with my freshman years

she was a little older than me not the best looking girl in the world but the personality of a fucking star and you know what she always had boyfriends and shit like that and one night she went out with this jealous dude she was dating this jealous dude and she went out with another dude

and after the dude dropped her off the dude came and shot her and killed her and there was a shame the time was really sad she was a good lady she left a little boy so it was her mother who contacted Carlos and I said

I said listen tell Mrs. Mooney I loved Eileen that was her name Eileen Mooney but say look let me break it down to you again I'm fifty fucking three two podcasts a week I do this I do this I do this I do this I'm trying to do this I'm trying to do that

I just don't live in the neighborhood it's an hour drive to the fucking airport in the park an hour at the airport in a six hour flight and then the same coming fucking back that's sixteen hours now we also have a dilemma CAA you know I just can't do a gig in advertising

they have to commission it I sign the contract if not they get sued or I get sued I'm a fucking nightmare which means I just can't walk into a bar and say hey I want to do a show here and this is what like let's say let's say I'm working Gotham

okay I have a 90 day cloth do you follow me for what Gotham no what 90 days for what I can't play in that area got it now I would be a fucking idiot to do play in that area because I would lose Gotham

and I have a good relationship with him so to me it's more than about the clause I have a great relationship with the guy that owns Gotham I just spoke to him last week I just called him to check in and he called me right back and we spoke about this and that whatever the fuck you know me it's Monday you gotta brighten somebody's fucking nerve

so if I do a benefit you gotta say I'm gonna be there and charge money for the tickets I don't get any of the money I don't care about that what I care about is that CAA wants their commission you know what I'm saying

they don't care about a benefit they don't care about benefits or missing legs or people getting blown up when I ran they don't give a fuck about nothing they're Jews dog they don't give a fuck they don't give a fuck they want their 10% so not only that the guy from New York is in a call

CAA and said me and Joey had a great relationship I just seen an ad in the fucking paper Joey's doing a benefit he's taking money out of my fucking club do you see how it works so it's more it's like a gentleman's agreement man

why would I bite the fucking hand that feeds is it weird that you are like it's an entertainment entertainment has a job like but it's listen there's some people I don't give a frenchman's fuck about right there's some people that I want to go back they don't let the club on fire and drive a truck

on that I don't give a fuck but there's certain people that I have a great relationship for them we've become not even business friends we've become friends on the side we talk it's not really even about the money anymore it's places I like

to work it's the freedoms they give me and what they let me do and what I do they give me a job I give them a job we both do we shake hands we get a check so them and I work me and filly work me and buffalo work

you know me and the punchline in Sacramento we fucking jive Jack me and the punchline in San Francisco I would live in the basement if I could at the San Francisco punchline we jive they don't mean

a check to me when I go up there I'm happy to see the manager I'm happy to see that waitress I'm happy to see the waitstaff you know what I'm saying even though the wings are shitty I eat the fucking wings to talk to the Mexican cook in the back you know it's an experience for me

and it's an experience for me for them it's one for me when I go to the Minnesota club up in the mall he's not there but he always sends regards and a gift package and he puts a little extra in the fucking check for me and he leaves me a fucking message on Monday morning

that means the world to me he's running three fucking clubs you understand me so I jive with that motherfucker so when you call me and say you're putting together an all-star fucking lineup and you want me to be on the tour but I got a shit on this relationship I can't do it

I can't do it because I have a relationship with that guy he started with me when nobody gave me a shot he believed in me you know how many fucking clubs Justin called for me in the beginning? a lot you know how many people gave me chances?

not many people said straight up fucking no now some of them have called back and that's okay because they called back with

head down and a check in their hand you understand me you know I'm a Jew at heart you follow me so don't come to me with a frown and you head down and nothing in your hand now you gotta look down and give me a little extra check and say dog we're sorry somewhere along the line we misjudged each other

let's put it behind you I gave you a little extra would that take care of things for a while take a look at the number I gave you yes and you know I never talk money to me it's like dog to me a $200 bonus means the world

just the word bonus what the fuck you just sold a thousand drinks you know the guy that owns the Cleveland room okay one time I went there he gave me you know like you know $600 more

just because somebody bought champagne he didn't have to do that he didn't have to do that he didn't have to do that we can never forget it never never again in fact I kept his email call him sent him a Christmas card

you gotta send him all the crap I said no dog I do comedy clubs the same way I do this shit when I get out of there I send a thank you card to who general manager and the staff enjoy the stars enjoy the chiba chews

enjoy the reefer that's it it's the same business as before I'm still a salesman so I still gotta take my relationships and fucking whatever when I go there I tell them my boundaries they tell me their boundaries and I adhere to them you know

but if you let me know you're in your corner I went to a club once in the Chicago area where I felt uncomfortable from A to Z you're a carpenter you walk into somebody's fucking house okay first off I don't want to pay you what you fucking worked okay from the minute you walk in there

they're watching you like you're a fucking thief I've been with fucking people who I've worked as a carpenter's helper and I remember going into places where people treated them like shit and telling me in the truck you know what man I gave these people $120 off because they were my neighbors look how they fucking treated me

I should have kept the $120 it would have been worth it now they're making me sweep and they got the fucking garbage and whatever so you know what man even at that time when they were fucking robbing me the headline I went home and made a decision I'll never fucking go there

this guy puts an offer for me every fucking year because he never took care of me he was never nice to me he kept judging me he wouldn't let me come out to music so it's the same fucking daily it's uh I think it's the same with anyone who treats you like shit I love being able to not

I don't necessarily want to treat them like shit very part of me does but it's nice just to let them just like ever since I've been out here I've had like four or five people from high school email me either want to get on the TV show I was working on or after this wanted to

go to a show or something and it I don't know I was like I didn't say it but I was like yeah maybe you should like where were you in high school like why am I now so like why do you now want to call me so I was like yeah fuck you no and I like these people you know

I told callers I said give them my number and tell her to call me in February I'll tell her what I need I'm but I'll also tell her what she can and she can't do so I'm not I'm gonna go to New York in September this year okay but next year I'm going

the week before Thanksgiving I haven't been to New York in the winter a long time I want to take my family so February and November is okay that's a long enough period well no if I do it in September I could do it in November you know what I'm saying and nobody has to know

you know my friend has a bar he busts my chops all the time when he's gonna do comedy I really can't because he really can't advertise it he could say he's having a comedy show but he really can't advertise is that why people can't advertise

sometimes they see like special guest or I never knew that you know I work Vegas I love the South Point Casino but I also work those things with Joe because he knows those things give me exposure and they bring 10% more people to the shows

every time I do it so it works for all of us it's not like I'm doing a show at a bar charging 10 bucks and taking money out of his pocket at the South Point Casino they do a thing called dirty at 1230 every time I go

twice a year they contact me to do it they don't understand why I don't want to do it because I'm there on a Friday night and on a Saturday night and on a Saturday night and then they want you to do a free show on Friday night if I do a free show nobody will come to the show on Saturday night

that was proven the first time I did it second time I did it you know me though I'm an econ major second time I did it I left the casino floor at 10 and the next night Saturday it was fucking packed then the third time we shot the special but if you think about the mathematics

that's why I didn't do it and they get mad at me that I don't do the dirty at 1230 I won't because you want the fucking numbers so I can't compete with myself that means I'm competing with myself I can't compete with myself so there's a business part of this that a lot of people don't understand

and people get fucking pissed off like a comedian contacted me I was dear friends with 20 years ago and now he lives in Texas and he contacted me to do a gig at like a bar you know

in this town that I work pretty much often and I had to hit him back that I couldn't do it because I worked that club and I had a good relationship with them and he proceeded to tell me how they were thieves this and this and this this and this and this

they did that now I know this fucking mutt of a comic and this guy robbed the fucking the ink out of your pen I'm saying he's one of those motherfuckers he'll take your last feather so you know I just said listen I understand how you feel but I have a business obligation

and I can't fucking abide to it then he wrote me back again that what the fuck happened to me nothing happened to me I can't do your fucking bar you know club Amazon you know one of those fucking dance halls or some shit with low riders whatever the fuck that is I can't fucking do that shit

don't stab me in those fucking places at this age so you know he couldn't understand that he had to go through my age he took me there you have to go through my fucking age you man if not I just get caused heat it's just unnecessary

heat that I gotta take for somebody I don't wanna take that so I try to do everything through them now the only thing I don't do through them is the local rooms around here and the Chinese restaurant up there but pretty soon I can't do that Chinese restaurant

because the improv is opening up Oxnard Oxnard like so do these comedy clubs have like territories almost it's very interesting it's not that they have territories it's that they have listen there's two clubs in Minneapolis

they have two very popular clubs Acme club which is a great club and I'm just throwing out clubs to people and the Minneapolis club I work at the Mall of America guys are great guy from Canada there's two clubs there okay one by a sweetheart Acme

you know what I showcased there let me tell you something I didn't do bad but I can tell I wasn't the style of comedy was I mad no I looked at the lineup and I couldn't see myself on that lineup all brilliant comics but not comedians like me except maybe two of them

Mall of America they have more mainstream people they give more people shots blah blah blah blah blah blah in Florida 15 years ago there was an Acme improv and there was a club in Davey okay you know

they would get pissed at you in those days today they're partners but 20 years ago you had to work one or the other but to be honest with you the people that worked the improv wouldn't really work that show in club and Davey they would only book Gersh comedians then

so it didn't really fucking matter do you understand me but look at the situation like Tempe Arizona right now okay what's going on there five comedy clubs in one city so you've got Liberty Live in Phoenix

you've got the club the coke little the fucking dude owns then you got the Chicago fucking little Hitler dude he owns a club and then you got Tempe improv you got the house of comedy and you got the motherfucking lab factory

my bed the Phoenix Metro fucking area that's like putting six subway sandwiches in three blocks and giving everybody fucking five dollars you understand me you're gonna create fucking chaos you can't feed six comedy clubs

so you got Paul Rodriguez at one club the improv they're no fucking geniuses don't put fucking Joe Diaz and Tempe in February and try to put them back in fucking in Phoenix in fucking July if you let them that's what they do

that's their philosophy which I will not I stay at Tempe you know why because I've been going to Tempe since 98 even though the owner is dead and gone that creepy guy rest his peace what's his name fucking whatever his fucking name is

that creepy dude fuck me and then 98 they fucking closed the club they shot the owner they creepy dude died in fucking Chicago and they closed the club and now it's open so they opened up a club in two competing cities they compete against themselves the improv

you know that right with Liberty Line? yeah so they have Liberty Live in the Tempe improv huge 600 seats you have the fucking circus in there so and Tempe is not a fucking small place either so you got five comedy clubs in this area

fighting for the same fucking nickel dodging it out throwing fucking bullets at themselves and then you got Buffalo Helium going to the back like Tony Montana every fucking week because it's the only game in town because it's the only game in town

you go to Omaha funny bump only game in town but back to your like good relationship so you're in Phoenix let's say you didn't have that relationship with the Tempe improv but you just always try to pick one rather than going from each one to each one

just so you can maybe each year build a relationship like is that important? I rather build a relationship at the same fucking club of people if I know the drinks are good there's a couple clubs I went to in the last six eight months that

the food sucked the green room sucked they had no respect for comics but in a fake way she reminded me of somebody that I didn't like that I also saw behind the curtain in life that I had to do with comedy and for some reason I never worked there again

when I was there that Saturday night first show I knew I was never going back to that club I'm one of those guys and I knew and I said to myself the only thing that will make me come back here is when I saw my check

and sure enough and I had to come back and look at my contract and it was a horrible fucking deal but the fact that she didn't even raise a hand and go here's a yardstick buy yourself a steak when you get back

to fucking L.A. and how the whole situation worked out like I've just seen it a couple times Lee I've seen it a couple times but I've also had the weirdest weirdest situation happen this year

now last year there was a lot of comics that don't like the improv chain out of all the fucking people I've had problems with in comedy that didn't like me one guy in a relationship was the guy that first started me in the dirty show

in Bray well guess what that guy rose in the ranks so me and him started that room together he taught me how to fucking do marketing in a lot of ways he said to me to do a certain thing and I added my twist to it

and that Bray room became successful that's how all this started with Bray if you really want to get down to it it was that one time a month in Bray building that little first 300 people that would come down and watch Yoshi get fucked up

and watch Martin Moreno and watch Ricky Cruz and watch just Johnny Rock and watch just a bunch of fun guys we would just have a fun fucking time once a fucking month

drive to Bray in a rush smoked dough we would cut banana bread and put it in the back you remember that right? I think I came right after this bread you taped the cd there that's where we taped the yeah

we just well you know what man I booked one of his clubs and I had a cancel because of a movie or because of Baron or something something happened I had a cancel and I went back the next year and you know what

man I went up there for fucking terrible terrible terrible money now I could have done two things I could have raised my hand and cancelled it again or I could have had my agent call back and renegotiate I thought about the situation for a minute

and I go you know what I agreed to this I cancelled, I profited on the movie now I got out what's the line you hate from Pink Floyd uh, uh, the reap what you sell I got a reap what I sell so guess what I went up there and I did good on stage

I worked as hard as I could and satellite before I got on stage the manager comes and he goes hey man you got a call in the office and I went to the office and there was that guy from Bray and he goes hey man I talked to the fucking club and I looked at the numbers I'm giving you a bonus

because you stood up to your deal thank you very much and I'm gonna give you a bonus in all the other clubs for you sticking to your fucking deal I didn't say a word Lee I could have been a scumbag and had him call up and bumped him for what the extra nickel

the extra 850 and it's just so short so it would have been short-sighted you know you agreed to something now you got to do it you were short-sighted you cancelled you got to do it it's always weird when people ask for money I never won like that's

it's a hawk word you know Lee you live and learn and as a business owner you live and fucking learn you know you just uh living and learning I got to explain something to you I got sick before Andrew called I got sick guys

so what happened on Tuesday was I didn't sleep all night Monday night I fucking you know was half in a coma every two hours I'd sleep I'd have to get up underwear change short change you know meanwhile I'm smoking dope though

you know when you're smoking dope I was smoking dope to calm me down it would calm me down I would be out there sweating profusiously with the warm up every time I got sick Lee I would lose three pounds and just body sweat oh my god it was horrendous

but what was I talking about Lee I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about I was sick on Tuesday and Tuesday and I was supposed to do the Agostino's what's the name of it the black horse tavern I think the black horse tavern up in Recita which he had been working on for like two months

and he put a nice line up together I called him at lunchtime and I said listen I'm going to go to the doctor to see what the fuck's going on here I'll call you back after when if I feel bad I promise you if not I'll go up there next Tuesday he took it like a man but meanwhile you called me

and you were all excited telling me I'm going up there at the time I'm going to go drink a beer and I was happy I'm like fucking look at Lee hanging out with young kids instead of some old fuck next thing you know I'm looking at my Twitter I'm sitting there shivering

in between one of the shivers I look at my Twitter and I see this the Agostino post it's a picture of me, him and a bunch of other guys but one of the pictures is Lee Giggling so I say to myself I wanted to go up there and fucking do a raffle I didn't know what the fuck you were going to do

I thought they were going to do a raffle or something like that and the next thing you know he calls me back last night we're like in this euphoric state and I was a little still fucked up last night we talked like one or something cause I couldn't fall back to sleep

last night I had slept all fucking day in and out and then this morning the Agostino calls me tells you how you went up on stage with your fucking phone you wrote jokes and shit what's getting over you so the Agostino called me like a month ago

I was just saying I'm doing the show now so I'm doing the show now and it's your birthday right around the same time why don't you come up and just hang out so I said ok he said maybe you'll come on and host with me you'll come on and introduce

you'll come on and say hi at the beginning of the show so then he texted me yesterday I was like are you still coming because Joey's not feeling well I was like yeah I'll come and then he called me and texted me I was like how long do you want to do what do you want to do

and I was like I don't know how many you can so I was like why not and I wrote down like three or four premises I didn't have jokes written out and I think I did like two and a half minutes Steve Simone recorded it audio so I haven't

even though it was terrible but I don't know it was fun because I if you remember because Matt Fultron was there and Matt Fultron was on that one live podcast we did down at Long Beach where you got me fucked up on the way down so by the time I was introducing people

I was super stone they were terrible at audience they were fucking frozen down there that was like the last time I'd been on stage and I was like bad so I was nervous and I got a couple giggles it was an interesting experience

I don't know if I'd ever do it again how many people were there it was full I would say close to 30 or 40 maybe more I'm bad at that though it looked pretty full and what did you feel while you were up there I didn't like the first couple times like I used to introduce you

at the ice house or stuff like that I would I get very nervous and I start talking fast like I can't catch my breath my heart starts racing and from doing the live podcast and I introduced you at the special

that's kind of gone away a little bit I was still a little nervous but it was also it was also kind of nice because I know there was one person there who tweeted me I think his name is Eddie who came because he saw and he was very nice

but other than that no one knew me so that was pretty exciting because everyone asks me that he's been on the phone the last time he was here he told me to do it I honestly don't think it's what I want to do with my life but I've thought about going to open mics but I don't want to

okay I thought about maybe the ha ha and so I couldn't do it I didn't want to go somewhere where someone wouldn't know me so then there's the store the improv and the live back I don't ever want to go anywhere where you go and so I would I had no idea where to go

but now that D'Agostino is doing this every Tuesday it could be kind of fun it was D'Agostino said I had good premises so that was interesting you know man to be really good at something sometimes you gotta be good at a couple things

or know about a couple things is what I'm trying to say Larry David's a great writer but every once in a while he gets a win point 30 days and he goes to the live factory every night and he gets on the stage excuse me I think Greg Garcia has gotten on the stage

it's a different you know sometimes you do jiu jitsu and you take a couple judo classes and it makes you understand what you're doing a little better okay I see what you're saying okay sometimes you're a karate dude you know GSP was

a MMA guy and all of a sudden the training started going to Pacquiao's guy sometimes by learning a different discipline it makes you learn more of what you know you know when I lived in Colorado I always noticed how there was always framers

we just frame houses you know this team of guys I kept working I worked for an electrician so the framers would come in and then I would drill the holes and run some of the wire and then the fucking sheet rockers would come in

and then as is the ceiling and then we run the wire and the ceiling for the lights and then the sheet rockers would seal up and then we come back and do the fixtures and then the painters would come and paint there's a system to everything okay

but there was a crew of guys that would come in and they'd fucking just frame and I became friends with the former there was a two man crew it was a company but they had two crews and they had worked together for years and they could come in and frame

these houses in a certain amount of time I don't know what the exact stuff was there were three guys cutting and one guy yelling and fucking it was a great system but I asked them once why don't you guys bid the

drywall because you can't you have to just do the drywall and on one of the jobs these guys fucked up a bunch of stuff and I always even as a 19 year old kid because that's how old I was when I was doing that

I go these guys would have known and then all of this conversation is confusing they fucked up it had to be every 16 inches each piece of wood that's how you know or something and somebody was high and they did a difference so the plywood guys had to come back

and take the plywood off so I always thought to myself that day why don't the fucking plywood guys know what the fuck the framers are doing which that's who caught them but why doesn't everybody know what's everybody's doing you know what I'm saying just because you're a carpenter doesn't mean you can't know a little bit of fucking plumbing

you know just to really learn what the fuck did your farm say I don't even know if I'm making sense here I think you are but I think you're also well because yeah you have to know it would be good to know for example a lot of editors become directors because when they're editing they're like oh I need this shot

you need this shot so they understand where the other side's coming from I think though it's kind of interesting with the house though because it's kind of like an assembly line everyone just does their one thing so like

you're not telling me to go become not to quit the podcast and go head deep into comedy but to just you're 28 years old I'm not telling you to do nothing but smoke pot and eat pussy and go to the gym every day that's all the advice you're going to get from me

whether you're my son or not all I want you to do is be happy I want you to be eating some ass every night or three four nights a week I want you to lift weights your goals and I want you to do what the fuck you want to do but here you are

here you are a young kid you email me videos boom run podcast number 400 I've been talking to you lately now listen man you know I don't like the whole fat shaming thing you know I don't like the fucking fat shaming thing

because if your friends like it they'll tell you you're a fat fuck like you can't keep wearing those sandals 400 fucking pounds a piece you can't keep wearing them you're scaring fucking people boys are not talking to us you have to say

different things I don't even know what the fuck I'm going with this but we started doing this podcast and the first couple of times you said you didn't even want to talk on the fucking podcast so now 400 podcasts later not only are you talking you're a major contributor in this fucking thing

because I can't sit here and talk to myself I don't want to lose my mind so you're a major contributor to this thing I've told you time and time again I'm not in business to blow smoke up nobody's ass I don't like to blow smoke up my ass I know exactly what I'm doing but right now you're learning a business

you ever have people you ever watch TV or hearing a job there's a motherfucker who yells at you and he says I've been doing this for 40 years and you walk away and call that guy a loser let me tell you something my friend you know you can't imagine you've been talking years

but I'll tell you what I've been doing this for 25 I've been podcasting with you for 5 it all mixed it all mixed it all adds up so when I yell at you one day and I go I've been doing this for 40 years

it's because 50% of the people would have quit already somewhere along the line and B I'm the first guy to bitch at people when you're an actor the camera pisses me off a couple things piss me off but then the truth comes out

I'm talking about the people I had a friend here in town that he was a fucking TV repair man or whatever the fuck he was but one day he went to a party he smoked some dope and he wanted to become a producer he couldn't wait to say the fucking word producer he would say the word producer

all fucking day long so for years he mucked around for no dope being associate producers which means what? pick up garbage hold a rope tell that guy to stand there you know what I'm saying shit like that

so he would tell everybody he was a fucking producer I was on the set of the longest year out one day and I was talking to one of the fucking kids the kids that did whatever and he was telling me how he started as a one thing for Adam and now he was in charge of

all the video you see on the DVD the footage behind the scenes yeah that's what he did he goes I went from being nothing to sticking it out for five years editing these videos and now I run the whole behind the thing so we've been talking one day and I go

let me ask you something let's pretend I have this friend and I send him in here what's the system and he goes well he come in and right now the way this company is growing with the amount of movies we're doing

he beholden wise for a year picking up garbage and opening doors and getting coffees and shit like that and then you get into the union I think it's tough to get into the union something like that I don't know what union it is but at least

you have to have a certain number of non union days to qualify and then you have to figure out what you want to do I don't know what the fuck he was telling me but he goes listen bro a smart little hustler

at this company two years, two and a half years if he's smart and he knows how to make moves they'll make a position for him and he'll make dough plus he learns everything along the way

I went to this guy this fucking associate retard and I said to him dog to my friend his name was Jason at the time I haven't spoken to Jason in fucking ten years I don't even know if he's still in the business and he said he would hire you

and they would hire you for a great salary really I mean you're not buying homes in fucking Bel Air but I think it was like 750 a week, it's five days a week you might be there until midnight but you know you qualify for you're not doing anything else right now you're working every other month

as a fucking associate producer that's a life of a PA you're absolutely right everyone thinks they're going to move out here and be a producer first and some people are and that's great but no, it's not going to pan out no, no, it's not going to pan out

you're going to be a producer's assistant for a while for like a year, you know what I'm saying and that's not great either it's a fucking ability but you're understanding his world before you dive in completely I agree with that for 90 days

I could take orders and take yellings and beats for 90 days if I got a credit card and if I know my uncle's selling fruit and I could fucking part time him to death I wouldn't mind to learn the business I like to get paid that's fair enough if I'm there even if it's $50 a day

at least throw me a half a yard so I could commute and make it happen with a fucking smile on my face if not after the 30th day that internship for credits I understand that but I like to get paid when I learn what I do so you have to start from the bottom right and it's very funny

you mentioned like when you took when you stuck to your deal there's been stories the past few years about interns at various big studios they're like oh I think it was like NBC like they couldn't go to the bathroom or something and when before that at SNL

was like oh we didn't learn anything we just got coffee those people when they sued the places they gave them internships and I guarantee not one of them is working in the business no one would hire anyone who sued the place that gave you

an internship that's what interns do like as an intern I was working nights not supposed to work nights as an intern digitizing tapes but fuck it you do whatever you say yes to everything and it seems like the older you get

or the more experienced you get to a few more things that is fucking crazy that is crazy that's like I mean when I came here it's like extra work being an intern yeah fuck yeah it's like extra work and I gotta be honest with you guys

I was an extra one time in a tape in Seattle and that was in the time on what's that show I was on that they made me an extra one I got there was it two and a half man? no the other one the fucking other one with the fucking words and fake read shakes big bang theory you know

you know what's funny man I was thinking no no how I met your mother how I met your mother you know what's the name fuck you forget about people in your life man you really forget about situations in your life

I knew this guy for a long fucking time hello goodbye he was always fucking very quiet around me every once in a while he would talk to me about something but between you and I

I knew he wasn't interested in what I had to say you know and fucking I got arrested and my name came out in the paper I disappeared for four weeks and I didn't see him for a while and eventually

I found out that was me in the paper he put two and two together he wasn't stupid and I got out of jail I got out on bail and I fucking saw him like three days later and that day he was low standoffish

but then he turned and he called me over and he came over and he asked me what happened and he goes this is true what I read in the paper and I go you know you can't believe what the fuck you read but I was involved in something and he asked me what happened and he asked me what was I going to do

and and and this guy says to me listen I got to be honest with you you always have a suit on you know I know you're a salesman but your demeanor I would love for you to work for me

he goes for years I wanted you to come over and sell insurance I just didn't know how to get your attention and I go you fucking said that's why you look at me all fucking weird all the time and he goes I could just tell there was something about you that if a guy could get you selling insurance

you'd be a good agent or whatever and he goes I guess that dream went out the window now you're gonna have a family what's gonna happen to you and I go uh you know I don't know I'm looking at you know 15 fucking years I don't know

he asked me if I was gonna flee I said not at all you know I go nah I don't think so where the fuck am I gonna go one thing led to another man he would see me and wave and wave and wave maybe three months later he said to me hey man are you working

and I go well I'm kind of working you know I'm working part time here and I'm doing this I was selling a little coke you know you know me I was never on the straight never I was gonna go at that time I didn't know I was on the way for sure and he came up to me one day bro and he goes listen man

I don't know if you need to work or not if you wanna ever clean my insurance office on Sundays I could be two hundred bucks a week and take you out vacuum take out the trash dust clean up my desk shred the paperwork

I said sure for fucking years I did that John Lee I never heard about this yeah cause I was just thinking about it the other night my name was Ray old Ray and on Sunday nights he would give me the keys to his business

and I'd walk upstairs not once I'd ever think of robbing or looking at a fucking desk because the trust was so fucking amazing my name I'd just come on the paper for kiddin' that and fucking somebody so you didn't wanna fuck it up I lied that I couldn't

believe this guy was doing this I'd seen the reaction of fifty percent of the people I knew when my name came out in the paper and my fucking whatever but I cleaned his office that last Sunday before I got sentenced that Monday

like I fucking cleaned it every Sunday I would go there at ten in the morning and it would take me an hour I'd take the trash down and vacuum vacuum the whole way out of respect I'd do it all for the fucking small loose because what the fuck the guy gave me a shot

that's how much the guy fucking believed in me you have no fucking idea how many people believed in me this is the universe sometimes you don't have family but sometimes the universe has a certain way of letting you know they believe in you I got locked up two months later I got a check from him

he hunted how to get a money to me he said he owed me two hundred dollars so he put two hundred dollars in my book he never came to visit me he wrote me one letter and when I fucking came out of fucking jail I went over there and he asked me you want the keys back you want your job back

I saved it for you that's so nice did you take it back fuck yeah every Sunday even at the halfway house if we get me out on Sundays he vouched for me he said it would take me four hours just because I had to take a bus up there it was fucking ten minutes away on the walk that's amazing

I can't imagine you cleaning that's like two hundred dollars to clean the fucking office what pride what fucking pride that's the problem with everybody that everybody's got pride that they what they won't do right yeah you know and granted I was doing blow

but I also had the ability in those days to make four or five thousand a week selling cars I chose to hustle and I did that I would just get stoned I would get weed on Sundays and get high and clean the office with an iPod on whatever the fucking Walkman on

did you get pretty good at it you seem like you're falling a lot of pride in it one hour dog and then I would do extra things he would hire me to paint the offices so I would do little fucking things for him not one fucking asshole that I had with that guy when I let bolder that was the only one guy I probably

went to I kept in touch with him and then when all the after the earthquake when all the fucking money went up you know the earthquake here in Los Angeles and people moved to Boulder and he made money and he fucking sold his house

and I lost contact with him but I can't believe that he was like a fucking angel that came out of I had another guy in Boulder there was a fucking old guy that had a kid and a wife I told you that I lived I dated a girl that lived upstairs so that's where I got the Rocky apartment downstairs

and then I went to Seattle and then I paid rent and shit and one day I called the house to see if they had gotten my money order for the rent and I never heard back from them and then one day I went to do comedy and one part of Seattle and I see the son

and he goes you didn't hear the news right after you left my father got diagnosed with cancer he got 90 days to live he goes they tried to write you a letter so they put all your stuff in storage for you and paid for a month we don't know if you lost or not I was heartbroken I lost my mother's pictures

the baby's toys I lost a bunch of shit because I was going to go back to Boulder and pick up all my stuff and put it in storage and give away and see the baby once he told me that I was fucking horrified but that dude had kids and a wife

and he was old and after I dated that girl and she left I took the apartment downstairs well me and that guy I used to come out at night he'd be out there by himself and I used to offer him weed this guy was older and luckily he would take two hits of weed

and once a week he would smoke pot with me and then I started taking him to the movies with me like what are you going to do sit down let's go to the movies so me and him would go to the movies on Monday night and he'd go man I do more than what I do with my kids I always had that like I never understood

people having parents and not getting involved even you went to 18 movies with your dad I laughed at you but I loved every minute of it you were both high I mean that's what him and I like to do we just we go to movies my entire life 400 episode mother fuckers

and as usual we never forgot you know what I'm saying here you go Lisa come over here sit next to your uncle Joe it's time for a fucking come on hurry up before the fucking song ends well we're still young what's with the breathing heavy

cause I'm already high enough no you're not you're never high enough that's what the problem with America is everybody's always high enough nobody's high enough that's why they eat oxy cottons and they blow how long does it take Lee for the love of fucking Christ let's do this we're going deep

400 episode people stealing pills from their grandmother come on let's go come on we used to do fuck that Negro Lee there you go lift that fucking thing that's grandpa drop that knowledge

love's company there you go see who's better than you look at you what the fuck is better than Lisa there you go I'm gonna speck for Tony Bennett here we go

that revenge is sweet the truth of the matter is let me give some shout outs really important one right here to my man Mark Pacheco it's his birthday today happy birthday boy sniffer my man Darren Hughes, Jose Calazzo Michael Mosey

beautiful bipolar my man in Jersey Joe Canyon Joe Ammons Owens Michael Angelo Rex Riot one by one podcast had a hero fucking junior on smoking it they're gonna be here August

fucking 29th I'll just be getting back on the 30th from the tour what else is fucking going on John Cutler you know all the motherfuckers that have been with us since day one Bobby and Crystal my girl Uki getting ready for Austin

they're sending you pictures of barbecue I had a talent to send you pictures of salads you ain't doing no fucking barbecue you're gonna come wait in line with us you're gonna come wait in line with us fuck no dog fuck no fuck no

I love the kidnap you and tell you we're taking you somewhere real close you know where I'm staying and you know where I go to eat nine meals that's it I don't go away I don't stray from my diet you want to go wait online and bring me back barbecue be my guest

but if not I'm eating fucking gumbo with a fucking crab and avocado salad as usual is that poppadoes or poppacitos poppadoes you know how I roll bitch if poppadoes had an Airbnb would you stay at that Airbnb

upstairs that comes down with a pole like fucking Batman that's exactly where I would be like a fireman you know those poles they come down just like that right when I opened for two eggs bay nets and a fucking piece of fish nice

red and fish for breakfast you want to live to your fucking nine to get yourself a nice red and fish two egg yolks eat fucking two egg yolks a piece of fish and see what happens to your body nice grilled fish a little black like Cajun style you've been trying to get me on this fish I can't I don't understand

how the fuck you don't eat fish it doesn't taste good never not be you eat tuna from fucking subway this is what you understand what I'm trying to say I haven't had tuna in subway for years okay so at least try something you don't like salmon no well when you eat sushi what the fuck do you eat

I eat tuna okay and uh shrimp yeah pretty much you say I gotta live with people tuna and fucking shrimp uh what fish have you tried I've tried everything

I've tried cod you bake cod you put breadcrumbs like tastes like fucking fish man I don't like I don't know but it's in I will talk about it on an episode later but I just I'm signed up for blue apron and their first

couple meals they're gonna send me like they send like three meals a week and like couple one week is cod and one week is salmon so I'll let you know how if I like it now but kid I didn't like it all that stuff is how you prepare it

yeah you know I used to have a friend that used to make me a nice piece of fish a white fish with a nice texture and he put aluminum foil with garlic and butter and lemon and I couldn't taste the fish dog you just gotta figure out a way

I like bro fish you know there's no reason to eat fish if you're gonna fucking fry if you're gonna grill it nice now we got something to fucking work with I forget what comic it was it might have even been Dane Cook like here we don't like fish so if you like it didn't taste like fish

why are you eating it just like eat something else that you like to taste but listen I don't like all fucking fish me either I don't like all the fishes out in the fucking ocean I don't like lobster how sad is that that you gotta be smack to the fucking head of Jew who don't like lobster you should be shot

hung and lit on fire fucking what do you mean you don't like fucking that's but you had the spicy lobster up at that place that was fucking delicious but that was fried and spicy sauce you don't like lobster dipped in butter I could see that you eat clams fried

and then clam chowder you never put a red sauce on a clam and suck that motherfucker it's what I imagine it's like this wallow like a blow job it's so it's squiggly it's terrible how do you know one time I don't know

I had no but my dad worked at LegalSeed I tried everything you know what I like swordfish is pretty good but that's really like meaty that's like pretty steaky it's steaky but it's got black spots on it and when you eat that black spot

it's like fucking the most of the cod it's the heart of the fucking fish yeah if you bump into those stains whatever they called I don't know exactly what they called it's like I used to eat a lot of that stuff on kebabs so I take swordfish cut it and put it on a kebab with green

peppers, onions bell peppers and some shrimp and I marinate it like a what's that shit they give you the Japanese restaurant soy sauce the other one the fucking Japanese ones when they throw fucking knives up in the air and shit I had a sauce like that

I used to marinate the swordfish overnight you come home you put it on the fucking grill it's all over see half of that stuff is the marination it's like lamb you ever have a lamb that ain't the best fucking thing in the world

I don't like it in a lot of ways I like veal scallopini and shit like that but lamb is too gamey for Uncle Joey since I was a kid I'm not big on that last game but growing up Mrs. Hartman used to take the

fucking lamb, cut it into cubes and marinate for two or three days and then she'd take that lamb and put it on the fucking grill you thought you were eating the kabab you were eating the lamb chunk that was juicy, delicious, it was melting

your mouth and I ate 2000 of them at one fucking time and I didn't give a fuck it was lamb it's how you marinate that stuff the same thing with fish my wife makes fucking horrible salmon God bless her soul she fucking tries it's a nightmare

I eat three pieces and I gotta throw it away and give it to the cats cause she's not looking the cats are looking at me like we can't even eat this fucking salmon it's either dry then I was buying it from the place already with the marinade on it and that was even worse I talked to my wife about it like a man I go I couldn't even eat it Terry

so she looked at the fucking YouTube she went we went over it and we bought it and she started buying this garlic butter and it's completely different now it's completely different she marinates it a little bit she puts it on the fucking grill it's tremendous

I think fish is marination and how you cook in preparation I'm done to try it man you have this urge to become the chef of the future lately you bought the fucking kettle pot the crock pot it was great no no no I like that you Lee

dude I've ate out consistently for years I gotta tell you something the other had a conversation with Lee that my head almost blew up at one in the morning the next morning I realized it that sometimes Lee is just crazy and you know what man marijuana makes you do some

fucking weird shit because when I first invested in those stars I couldn't stop that been had him right had us going crazy for a while first off you're eating a piece of fucking pound cake with chocolate chips in it and eggs and butter

yeah it can't be good for you that clogs up your fucking arteries and now you're eating potato chips stuffing fucking what was I stuffing in my face for a few weeks those captains booties oh pirate booties pirate booties that belong to my daughter

my wife would be furious listen I don't give a fuck you shouldn't be eating those fucking things the other night Lee told me he got wings from where pizza hut now wait a second okay I went to big wings I don't like big wings

I'm sorry I had an experience that was not good there's no buffalo wild wings that close you one time for your honors for exhibit A one time you had pizza hut at your daughter's event I think an event

and it was delicious she's three she wanted pizza when you're three and you want pizza first of all all the pizza is so bad in this fucking town that it doesn't matter the reason why I got pizza hut is because on Friday at school

they get pizza hut so when she told me she wanted pizza I got pizza hut did I enjoy it I thought it was fucking garbage I didn't see you saying it was garbage well I can't hurt her feelings and say this pizza sucks

she's dead she doesn't know if you eat all the slices she eats the cheese my point taken that was the only time I ordered a leg because there was a three year old that wanted pizza and I wanted to get to the same pizza

they eat at the school I would never ever ever in my wildest imagination just because of something embedded in me would I disrespect who the fuck I am at any level at any point in my life

even when I was doing eight walls of blow and I had no respect for myself would I disrespect myself by eating that fucking pizza and letting people know I gave up on society and I gave up on fucking I can't do that well that's why I got wings

so you just called down and got six wings and they delivered it and I picked it up eight wings you went all the way down there I was already there I was already there and they were good I just can't believe that you see the work out

that's it today guys I gotta be honest with you guys and I'm not blowing smoke up Lee's ass half you guys that listen to the podcast cannot do that work out he did today and I know somewhere Lee stopped and breathed heavy but I will tell you a lot of people can't do that

that's what pisses me off about Lee that at this age he puts this much work in to go over there and get yourself eight wings that are not only let me listen we're all trying to be fucking individuals

here in this time of fakeness you know if you were watching this guys I don't give a fuck about a lot of things I was trying to explain this to my wife my wife is a gentile my wife is a fucking gentile I don't know guys I don't know if it was a retardation

I don't know it's because my grandmother was married to a second cousin I don't know what the fuck it is but when I was a kid I didn't really care for what society cared about there was just something something weird about the media

to me growing up I didn't like how they'd say things I didn't like how they'd interview people as a child I remember going what the fuck is that interview with somebody there's a murder outside shit like that I never liked it I was always a weird kid

I just didn't add up to you I didn't like Saturday Night Live I didn't believe what the fuck whatever and I gotta tell you something I really don't give a fuck when people come up to me and tell me these things

like I'm looking at them you have time to give a fuck about this and I feel like there's a lot of people like that sometimes we all do when I went through that divorce that's all I thought about I was involved

with my daughter and the divorce and my feelings were hurt so all we had to do was talk for three minutes and I would tell you about my anger and how she was a fucking dirty bitch and I get it I get that I get you coming up to me and being upset

and break up I understand that but for you to come up to me and be throwing things because Bernie Sanders gave the delegation to whatever or there was just so many things that I've seen of bullshit

and you know how I know that bullshit because I know they don't give a fuck nothing bothers me more when people really don't give a fuck and they make believe they give a fuck you know brother if you give a fuck go down and live with those fucking projects we've done for a month

and get some cops down there and we'll make sure there's no shootings down there we'll make sure we'll let them know Obama's in that motherfucker but you would never do that you would always sleep in your bed these politicians they go up there and I saw this as a young child

and we've discussed this before as a young child I saw people just talking they don't give a fuck about you they're just going after you tonight as I was leaving the fucking VP on Hillary Clinton was talking Spanish the worst Spanish you ever heard in your life meanwhile he's got a green fucking

Spanish dude that he whips back there once a week and hasn't given him a raise in 18 fucking years because you know it's just like it just guys there's times I want to pack my bags and just move somewhere somewhere simple in a fucking jungle

where you gotta send me telegrams through a monkey who gives it to a bird who gives it to because this is just it's become something and in the middle of all this you got fucking people chasing people in parking lots

which I didn't know what people were talking about listen I don't know what people are talking about when they talk about Pokemon I ain't gonna lie to nobody I have no fucking idea I don't know nothing when I was a kid I think Pokemon was around you know what I'm not interested

in fucking parking lots and shit parks filled with people, central parks did you see that guy rammed into a cop car no one the fucking Isis is getting stronger by the fucking day every day we do something stupid Isis gets

stronger I can't believe we get hacked and we blame it on the fucking Russians right away they blame them all the Russians did it the Russians did it Trump paid the Russians to fuck it we live in this fucking and it's so oh my god when people

were crying that she got nominated I'm looking at this going oh they just brought into the little affair if you think the Obama fucking purple fucking what did they get those people to drink in Jonestown Kool-Aid they gave them fucking Kool-Aid wasn't

bad enough now they're gonna get these people hooked on listen I got a daughter I got a fucking wife I was raised by a single mom I want women to fucking thrive but Hillary Clinton is the fucking devil incarnate dog and there have been other women for other parties nominated

and so does that poor Bernie Sanders when he said to her you could see he was I don't know what they gave that poor guy I don't know what they gave him I guess they fucking chiseled them out of votes the GNC what's the place you get the vitamins I don't

fucking know the GNC and the GNC fucked them up what Bernie Sanders listen politics is fucking dirty god oh yeah no yeah this is gonna be in the history books oh yeah it's gonna be in the history books because of the filth and

you know what it really doesn't matter at the end we're still gonna have to fucking get weapons and protect ourselves we still gotta fucking wake up every goddamn morning and fucking work you still gotta do jumping jacks you still gotta hug your kids and doesn't really fucking matter not to talk about politics but what about the people

who for both conventions watched like the everyday 24 hour day scene and coverage of it and watched all the speeches I throw my wife out I tell her you gotta go you gotta go get some sun today she went to the

park and did two laps came back sweating and shit she's like Joey I ran today because I was too late for yoga you gotta get out she'll sit there believing all that shit I won't let her get involved she calls her dad and they talk those two fucking geniuses back in Tennessee you know

let me guess her dad's very pro Bernie he felt the burn I have no fucking idea I never got involved dog I don't even ask I don't even fucking ask you understand me I don't know nothing that's the rule of the church you don't know nothing you don't want to know nothing

once they start talking about that you do that noise beep hold on I gotta not call and you hang up on them and then they fucking call back I just imagine you doing that to them in person I do it all the time because they don't have a call waiting there's times I call my in-laws and they don't have a call waiting

so I fuck with them from time to time sometimes I'm on the phone with them and he starts going off about girls softball and the girls throw a crying ball and hold on we got another call I just hang up on them and then my wife calls and I'm like what happened I don't know the phone went dead

I'm there talking about girls softball and then him and her get on the phone I got saved I'm dog please I always have an escape route oh my god I'm worse than spider-man I always have a fucking escape route but what do you do how do you get a conversation in person because that's what I thought you meant

I thought you were going to say there's someone in person I got another call just walk away first off you see somebody coming you go for the fucking iPhone you put that phone up there and you put a sad face on like your uncle died that's the only way you're going to shake them dog

is that like difference like not as sad as like a parent died but not as sad as like they can't be that fucking retarded and talk to you after you drop that bomb on them they can't be that fucking retarded they might want to console you though yeah okay console me and keep walking

keep fucking walking I don't want to talk to them but I got to make funeral arrangements here keep fucking walking it what the fuck you want to talk about I think the worst thing I've ever done to me was my wife forgot an ingredient and something she was about to cook

right before I killed her she sent me on a mission this is when we lived on Schrader in Hollywood it's the worst thing that ever happened to you oh I can't have that whatever I'm sitting there but the problem was this wasn't that route so I didn't have to go two blocks away

I had to go up the fucking Cahuenga to the Spanish supermarket okay they have a what do you call that shit deli a Mexican supermarket on Cahuenga right before the 101 on the left hand side I think some Arabs bought it

but I used to go there when it was Mexicans they had the chickens hanging they roast the chickens they had a little Mexican food every day they had soups they were working under the radar but they made a mistake on coconut water they were giving you the big big ones

for $1.50 when they were $10.99 I was going in there buying 10 of them those Mexicans didn't know what was going on I love that you found a good deal oh my god they didn't know everybody else had them for like 8 bucks they were selling them for $1.99 they made a mistake

they thought it was a 16 ounces they really had like the 32 I was going in there every day getting 2-3 of them for fucking $2 a piece nobody knew I didn't say nothing nobody they tell nobody about that sale this was a nice little Spanish market

right on Cohinga and they had nice steaks cheap, nice pork chops you could go in there and they had fresh meat on a daily it wasn't a a corporation you know what I'm saying it was just a couple of Mexicans the same ones you see up here on Burbank Boulevard

but you get nice meat up there that one place right there where we drive past all the time on Burbank Boulevard in fucking vinyl all those and all that they got like foe and Chinese cuisine I would never go in there because they're mixing flags I go in there and I order Lo Man

they give me foe I gotta stab one of those Asians I gotta go out of there flaming with fucking knives so but next to that place is a Mexican market where they got the goats back there and you get them stabbing animals and chickens it's as fresh as fuck

they got those soups with the chickens feet in them one in there one time I'm like I gotta bring Lee in here this is real fucking Bogota right here yeah you could get the soup and the chicken's feet are in the fucking soup can I not get that?

no no you gotta like how are you gonna marry that chicken if you never what if they break that out they don't take nothing out no what do you think what do you think they're gonna cook at the wedding in front of you hopefully a bunch of delicious tacos but anyway to get back to the fucking conversation we were talking about

right I wish you don't do comedy it's dumb for you to do comedy but I want you to experience it I wish that one day what's the day's gonna happen somebody calls you up and says do you want to be an extra movie it's only gonna take two hours

I just want you to walk out and say suck my dick and you're gonna do that then some day somebody's gonna contact you for a real movie and I want you to do that and you're gonna come to me and say Joe I got a letter from the union they want $3,000 I'll never act again but at least some day

all these things add up and one day when podcasting goes to where this is gonna go and I'm dead and buried you're gonna be telling people you've been doing this for 30 fucking years and you're gonna be 50 years old

and you're gonna command the big salary by that time who knows if they'll beat television you'll be like the next Maury Schaefer well thank you man but I mean you're always very nice to me a couple weeks ago we talked about me going to the I.O

and you were in shock weren't you there was I having this conversation with you I don't know and you said to me why would you run and write sketches was it you were in front of flappers then we were on the side and I told them for a while I thought I was gonna be a writer

for I.O and I went and took sketch writing one one three and they go what did you get from me and I realized I was better than the teachers writing the sketch but I still went in there that I want to be a sketch writer no

but maybe I might learn something I paid money to pay for those sketches and between you and I you know I wouldn't say this to you I was better than those fucking morons they weren't doing nothing better than me no they weren't writing some sign I lied

the channel that was before I.O whatever before I.O when it was girls behaving badly remember that show the guy was like an assistant writer for that okay and he was teaching a course like two million dollars like the same thing they tried to do to you at flappers

so he was an unqualified guy that teach this fucking job so yeah it was a waste of time so I tell you an Asian chick came up to me today and solicited me when I went to buy this fucking bomb and I gotta tell you something it blew my mind like all my circuits went

what'd you say what do you think I said it was the most subtle fucking thing in the world it was an Asian girl and a white girl did they look like hookers not a million fucking years white girl was the muscle

white girl was the smoker okay Chinese girl was in there short skirt nice shoes did she pass as a hooker not a million years to me

so after I got in the car I made a left and I made a right just to see if the cops were following me I was on Lancashire and I pulled out of there and I went to the gym and I made that sharp left and then when I got to the hunger

I made the sharp right and I made sure there was no cops following me it scared the fuck out of me after she propositioned you she propositioned me in the weirdest way okay so after I got in the car it was when I really thought about it

I've never liked Lancashire in fact who got propositioned five years ago at a club in Lancashire Lisa guys Lancashire is creepy as fuck as night and the Ha Ha Cafe

is there but now it's on the other side and I haven't seen nothing creepy on that side it's really nice on that side of Lancashire Lancashire is cut in half by Riverside maybe or one of those Camarillo

was one of those ladies and gentlemen I'm now fucking map Google it but the other side when we first moved the elite lived in Sherman Oaks at night we would do the podcast and we would meet at night and we would stand outside and see the amount of women walking by single

and I would sit there and go something's not fucking right because they're not walking on the club side remember where the girl took you and propositioned you in the bar whatever the name of that bar is if they were walking on that side

I get it that they parked and walked to the club but they would walk on that side and they were A always dressed okay B they didn't look hookery they were pros

they didn't make eye contact with you but I would sit there and go what an uncommon amount of single girls walking on Lancashire every fucking night yeah you wouldn't think there were hookers right especially when the actions that way okay so the train gets off

okay but that's still fucking four blocks from the fucking train yeah what woman would walk more than four fucking blocks at 9 10 11 o'clock at fucking nightly so something wasn't right and then

I saw somebody started telling me more I asked you know Junior and I asked Jack and they started telling me by that corner that mattress store there's a hotel there's a hotel off Lancashire you make a left right when you pass over that

there's a vitamin store I used to get weed there I used to do the theater there that first right there's a hotel in there okay and I didn't see until that day there I saw a black chick out there like a year later that daytime and then I put two and two together

so nothing you know me dog now years ago when I first lived in the sunset there was one day I went outside and there was cops everywhere with fucking guys running away from cars and shit and I found out later that if you pull over for a hooker on sunset

okay so think about this that if she propositions you or you proposition her I really don't know the rules that they give you a ticket and they take your car so dog when I was on sunset and if I saw those things

I just looked straight and fucking put the windows up and locked the doors just in case Lee I didn't know in those days that those days sunset was really bad you know I would always think that they would be the cops how could they not I don't know if you remember I don't think everyone up there

but I used to live on snow even worse Sherman Way in Sepulveda and driving up and down Sepulveda at night it was like what hookers would they tell you hookers look like in movies but they in cars a couple times like I would see them

like this one time in a gas station one pulled up and went and got condoms there's a Ralph's over there on Burbank and a couple of them got dropped off over there I saw but most of them are just walking up and down the craziest one was when I was going to work

at like nine in the morning and there was one walking still at nine in the morning I would always think one of those would be a cop I would never just pull over especially now with all the internet stuff and I would think the internet people would be cops too so I don't think I could ever do it

well today was the slickest move ever I couldn't go to jiu-jitsu because I still didn't feel it so I had a meeting I left the house about ten I went to the weed store

I dropped the baby off at school first with my wife I went home I sent some emails boom, ten o'clock I went to the weed store had to go to CVS had to pick up some notebooks for tomorrow and then I shot over to the coffee shop

and I rode for a while then I went back to the house ate lunch and then I went to my one o'clock meeting so this is what I'm trying to chronological the day is so people know why my mind is blown I went to the meeting

I probably talked to the guy for like an hour fifteen minutes I got in my car I remembered I missed the call from Lee because my phone was in my bag I didn't know that at that time I got in my car and I shot over to get the bomb I was thinking about corning him

because I was hungry at that time I was a little hungry and when you don't eat for a day you want to eat something dirty like you crave grease like the other night I told my wife I craved donuts at two in the morning those powdered donuts that come in a six package

that are disgusting I haven't eaten those in twenty years that's how sick I was we didn't even finish that conversation so I got to the river side I went to Lancashire and boom I parked in front of the bomb store and as I walk in there's a white girl

an Asian girl now between you and me the Asian girl has got to be 28, 29 she's I don't know what descent she is she's not Filipino or darker or Thai she's either Japanese

or Chinese and just like a seven not super pretty but like pretty face, not pretty face did not look like a hooker at all to me and then the white girl was like a 7-2 you know they were both dressed okay

whatever and then I went in and the guy goes hey give me one minute good to see you what happened we left the bomb in the bathroom and somebody stole it so he rang them up and then he walked over to me and they stayed looking at candy you know the places

and he goes which one give me that one and he goes it says forty I just keep the forty bro you're a good dude and as I grabbed the bomb she was right there she goes nice bomb you want to party and I didn't know

what the fuck to say Lee you know me I just froze she got to be 28 years old I didn't know what the fuck she was talking about and I go me no no no I got to get home I'm running late I said something cowardly

something stupid and then as I opened the door I let them go out first and that's when she turned she goes I don't know what type of party you were talking about I'm talking about a real party you could either have me or you could have both of us because

we could work something out and I just looked at it and kept walking Lisa beep beep I opened up my car I got in it I started the car and I drove away like a little fucking sissy that I am did you get like a boner?

no I had the opposite of a fucking bone I had the feeling that the cops were about to jump on me from every direction just for opening up the door for them and I was going to get shaken down on Lancashire in front of all my friends and people would see me and my wife would ask me what happened

and that's what I was fucking concerned about because you know what I'm saying what are you concerned about when you're a fucking fuck I just didn't understand why a woman would say that three in the fucking afternoon if it was even that on Lancashire Boulevard

she's an entrepreneur no no I didn't know nothing something didn't smell fucking right dog I don't blame you I would never solicit them anyway and I would have never sometimes they talk to you and you know like you get a feeling

like if it's a black chicken she talks to sometimes you oh fuck yeah you gotta have fun with them you just can't dismiss them and run away like on the way out of the MGM Grand at six in the morning to catch a plane hilarious they'll come right out you know me I always get a coffee

and I try to smoke a joint and play a fucking video game for ten minutes before I get in the fucking car for twenty bucks and at six am they just come right up to you five a.m they'll come right up to you sit there and you know what man you can talk to them and break that balls I thought come on you still got

your room key fuck yeah I still got my room key what do you think you want to go upstairs and have a date come on can't see your flight there's the best pussy over bad and you just keep fucking playing and giggling you know the cameras are watching so I don't touch them I don't I don't even make eye contact

I just go listen the cameras are watching you sit tight show me the fucking good let me see that for speak to me oh toothless one well I'll say something crazy and they'll say show me the cash and I go listen I got the cash at 635 fly like I shit to do

and they giggle and they run away or they'll ask me if I was in a movie or if I was in the longest ride if I want to have a date and I giggle with them these chicks were too up tightly there was no foreplay there was no

what type of reefer do you like there was no type of I've seen young periscope salesmanship there was no salesmanship if they were undercover cops to do something and it was funny because when I drove around I saw a cop car Magnolia again that's my drug dealer

old school paranoia I do not do cocaine anymore I wouldn't be paranoid but it's funny but the time I got to Magnolia I saw a cop car patrolling so you never fucking know Lee you never know what the fuck you're talking can you imagine Lee what would you do you go into the you know you

you're nice Johnny sweetness you ask me you want me to go buy a bomb I said no I'll go what would you have done if you the fucking walked in that 3 in the afternoon and China Wong and her fucking hot assistant you know no money was ever said nothing see I was kind of

stupid I was like maybe she just wants to smoke the bomb and then hook up like when she said party I was like oh maybe fuck no when a girl looks like that she has her own weed well what you want to smoke with some fat fucking old degenerate like me are you fucking crazy

if she would have came to me and said anything else but the way she did I would have probably been in jail right now because I would have talked to her and then you know what I would have done I would have goofed on her what do you mean goofed on her I would have asked her for how much and she would have said 500

like a 500 come on I got like 2250 and then she would have said 2250 what is that in court you know I'm one of those idiots right because I like to make fucking fun of them and shit like how about I give you

yeah you've done that for years you're like 32 dollars and a pair of fucking socks with women yeah your torturing could have almost got you on like to catch a predator or something yeah so I just I didn't even if they would have had a sense of humor and said listen what cold girls would stand at the hotel down the block

are you interested in going to a party I would say nah how long you girls been doing this I would have done like a fake background check and shit maybe I'll have some Armenians go over there and visit you I don't know nobody who the fuck do I know I know who you fucking know me

I was thinking we were talking about it in a different way but I was thinking about it in this way man LA is a crazy fucking place just like in the place where I grew up I would never see a

there would never be some propositioning someone I did like this place is crazy on every fucking level when I was growing up I never saw a hook on the streets of North Bergen New Jersey Union City you know I didn't know where you contacted them at that age I didn't know

and I didn't want to know when I got to be about 16 there was a rumor going around I want a woman that lived on 80th 1st street and whenever the light was on you knocked on the door and for 40 bucks she sucked your dick

40 bucks I would have done that every day 40 bucks in 1980 was really 80 bucks I never went over there I was always scared but that was the only direct I didn't know what she looked like

30 years later I saw hookers in Manhattan they used to hang out by that fucking thing by the Lincoln tunnel it's funny when you know my daughter goes to school in the area there's a park close by

it's a worse park and it's so funny that sometimes I'm driving at 9.30 in the morning and I see a fucking hooker and me and my wife would just look at each other like what the fuck it's 9.30 in the morning were you with me one time when we saw one

with Josh Wolf over at the thing and she waved I saw her years ago I don't know if you remember we went to Panera one morning randomly before the podcast even started I think I don't even remember why we were there and the girl with the blonde hair they would always walk through the

surrounding towns you saw her and you pointed her out and that was like years ago at least three years ago it was like a week and I showed her to Josh Wolf I used to see her all the fucking time and one day I was like oh my god

I saw her by gelsons by the white supermarket and she was banging those old Jews in the corner she was taking their fucking lunch money and sucking their dick who else goes to gelsons Mexicans don't go to gelsons black people don't go to gelsons

Jews and these fucking Gentiles go to gelsons so she would fucking suck dick gelsons there's no cops ever at gelsons no that's a good place to suck dick I guess listen I don't fucking know what are you bothering me for what's the conversation you wanted to talk about

oh I just wanted to finish up the wings conversation what's the fucking finish up you said the chef of the future I got a crock pot because you kept saying like oh the weed and you're eating as I was eating the wings

and I was like I'm not even I got to the point where I'm not even enjoying it I couldn't even blame it on the weed I wasn't even that hungry from the weed I was like fuck so I got this crock pot cranberry chicken and brown rice

pretty good that means it sucked this mom's good as the wings but brown rice can't it's never that great especially Ricky but you know what I love I know it's not great for you but corn on the cob it's better than french fries

it's better than french fries you're absolutely it's better than buying the fucking ice cream a little bit of butter maybe some oil you put spray butter on to save your lungs well last night I put actual butter tonight I made a bowl so I just cut it off plain come on

so you're eating healthy you feel better it's just you basically saying why am I doing those workouts and then eating and ruining it I don't know why it's weird and at that point like I said I wasn't even enjoying it

I ended up with 418 pounds not because I was making the best fucking choices 418 pounds I couldn't do a tenth of what I was doing what I'm doing today at the age of 44 years old I would never want that

for anybody how much of a jiu-jitsu class would you make though how long into a jiu-jitsu class would you make at 418 do you think so 11 years or 40 53 is 42 at 42 the guy at the Y

I could not walk up a fucking thing of 3 minutes what the fuck do you think I would have done in jiu-jitsu I could not walk an elliptical machine no the other one the flat one that you elevate the uh treadmill for 3 fucking minutes

without turning fucking purple one time I had a heart examination and they put the ink in your heart and they put you on the treadmill and they fucking speed it up I thought I was gonna have a fucking heart attack they're like don't worry but if you before the heart attack

go into a coma or save your life are you fucking retarded oh my god something you want to hear before you get on the treadmill so I was in that bad a shape what do you mean jiu-jitsu I couldn't fucking bend and they're doing 3 classes a day

no I do the drill class which is half and half you break a little fucking sweat and shit you warm up you stretch and then you do the regular class and then you do the mobility class 15 minute exercises dog I'm fucking sore today

I don't know I was gonna go to jiu-jitsu today but I'm still fucked up in the thing I didn't want to kill my body today and start sweat I want to build it up a little bit so tomorrow I can't do I got a writing session tomorrow for the special and I'll go back on Friday and I'm taking my wife to date afternoon

when I go see born supremacy one of those fucking things you know what you should see is Mike and Dave need wedding dates it was fucking it was funny it was funny I promise you it was funny you also watched dirty rock and you watched

you liked that Gaffron and the fucking girl the girls in it were great you know the one who watched that shit it was so good I didn't want to see either you have to get really high that's not a bad fucking

that's always a bad son no it's not I had laughing the whole theater was dying the whole theater loved it not for yourself leave me to fuck a little you gotta fucking depress me

who's depressing you you are with bad fucking selections no it was a good movie I promise you you think I want to go see Jason fucking born no I don't want to go see that shit I got shit to do I don't like none of that shit I love Matt Damon but after he sucked Liberace's dick

I don't respect from that movie so you just have work to do you it's a fucking joke I don't know I just don't want to swatch 3 hours but my wife wants to go we get popcorn we hold hands we go get a fucking burger and everybody's happy

that's what a family's about right cause Saturday she's back to the grind I got a meeting Saturday at 10 so she can't go to yoga Sunday she's got church Monday and it goes on you know what I'm saying never ends I go away and I go to Cherokee casino next Friday

and then the following week I'm fucking Denver banging it out with these animals then the week after that I'm off and then I go to fucking Oddball then I go to Austin we go to Austin and then I go to fucking New York City no we got our hands full dog

this Friday I got the motherfucking ice house 10.15 you're gonna be out of town that's good you're taking the wife on a little run Davey when is the the class end? the bar ends tomorrow so you picking her up tomorrow? well actually what she did was

cause she is staying at a hotel because it's like next to the bar so she booked the next day just so she didn't have to check out so I'm gonna go there hang out at the hotel there and then we'll go to Newport no wait a second before I hear that are the other people in the room?

you're not gonna play the Harvey Homo game going out with other girls and boys in the room no she doesn't it's just you and her with a tub Harvey and I get along very well she doesn't want to see anybody done it's over you're locked in Newport and not disturbed and Spanish

and I actually I took a page out of your book today I went over and I dropped off some candy and some like just some snacks for them and like they actually let me into the hotel room which was kind of surprising but they let me into the hotel room and like set it up and they made her night

anyone out there who's ever taken the bar or anything it's a fucking long experience so I'm glad I didn't do it so then Friday morning you wake up you get two eggs you get a piece of fucking fish some potatoes

throw some potatoes in there Friday what fish do you recommend? I don't fucking know that I don't have a recommendation Lee I'm terrible with that shit do the locks on a bagel count? I don't understand how you like locks and you don't like it cooked

I don't know what the fuck they're broke let's try it don't get cheap salmon get nice pieces okay and they send the fucking nice sauce with it don't fuck around they send the nice sauce you'll like it it doesn't come out that dry

if you stick right to it so in Friday where you going? we're going to Newport I took your advice oh shit and then how are you down there you got a view of the beach? close to the beach I don't know if it's on the beach

because on the beach it's fucking like $800 a night which is crazy but it's actually where we went for our first anniversary now when you go to these beach places do you go on computer sites Expedia and stuff like that and check it out I'm just curious I want to see what you do I spent so much time

what website do you go on when you want to travel? I go on a trip I kind of like except when I went on there was a certain deal and when you click on it suddenly it's not available what I actually did and this is how we actually got it the first time

I think I'm a cheap master but it actually worked out they all have these things like we were not going to tell you where you're going to stay but it's this star level so we did that two years ago I literally spent like 14 hours one day

looking at different things I told you I wanted to go to Palm Springs but you're like that takes 3 hours some days so I was like I don't want to drive that long so I decided on a new port who the fuck wants to go to the desert a horse with no name

you live in California what are you going to do in the desert? walk around and get bit by a fucking snake but we don't do anything anyway you just like hanging out and getting room service and watching TV at like 2 in the morning I think it was actually the night I took acid

at 2 in the morning I was just like fuck it I'm just going to do one of those deals again and I got it's a beautiful hotel it's like the Fairmont Newport and I called up at 2 in the morning high on fucking acid and I was like hey man we're here for our anniversary

can we get like a nice room? he's like oh yeah I see on here you have such and such room facing the pool area can I get it high up? he's like sure I called it 2 in the morning high on acid show me his son how high do you want to get? whether there's an earthquake

you and Paul are going to jump like two fucking mooks in a fucking mook about you get the first to the second floor you can't get there because there's parties and they're walking around and loud people we don't want to be away from that you're facing the pool anyway you're not going to really fucking sleep late

and it's a bungalow beach yeah it's up high it's good and then what if there's an earthquake you gotta jump because you know what happened today I was driving back from Pasadena and they have those fucking highway overpasses and underpasses

where you're either on like big stilts or you're passing under a highway and as you're doing it you're just like I'm going to die one day going under one of these because I'm just going to fall off and smush me or I'm going to be on top of it and it's going to fall and it's going to crash and fall so you can't let that fear

ruin your life and get higher again what if you're on the sixth floor and there's a fire and you gotta jump you and Paula get the second floor cut a deal will you last week I checked into a hotel I put me on the 12th floor I just mad dog the guy

you fucking kidding me put me on the second floor there's a fire I gotta jump out there's two rooms two, three you can jump and live if there's an explosion on the third floor you've been a good soul you won't blow up that gives you a chance to wake up

pack up to sleep out in your machine and take your best jump you understand me jump keep your legs light you break both ankles but you live the 12th floor you ain't going to live dog you're going to go down like a missile you're going to have a heart attack in the air I know you

what do you say to the person on the phone hey man I like the third floor I like the third floor if you're lucky I feel more comfortable on the third floor what would it cost me to put me in the third floor where it's quiet that's how you work that

motherfucker dog I'm trying to fucking hook you up if there's an emergency and it's even better if you're closer to the back door you know why you can sneak out and smoke dope out there and sneak back into your room when they blame you on the dude on the fourth floor

because you woke up to the fourth floor and smoked a joint they don't have cameras in those hallways a lot of times I go to these towns it's fucking freezing I'm going to walk around like fucking Johnny Mook I'm in a nice hotel I look around I open up the door I take an elevator up

I do a bunch of stunts sometimes the roof is open you cause terror someone's like I don't smoke pot listen to me dog I go up three or four floors up go into the hallway and smoke dope

and leave the joint on the pipe for them burning and then get on the elevator I'll put like mint in my mouth and take three hits of a vapor pen and I'll get back to the elevator as long as I get to my room unseen within ten minutes the whole hotel will be on the 12th floor

that's how you rock the fucking hotel oh my god that one time in Tempe that is the most fun I had in a long time Lee that's where my mind is that place in Tempe had three stories

but on the second story they had the smoking lounge that faced the inside of the hotel so you walk into the hotel people and right there you check in but then when you to get to your room you have to walk away from that area and walk

across this tremendous palazzo pool restaurant and business when people get together for businesses conferences right unbelievable these bungalows these bungalows

have a fucking kitchen Lee like the size of my living room with a refrigerator against the wall you ask for it coconut water the red fucking juice

they got everything so here's these people having conferences about real estate and there's another hut with people having conferences and there's a hundred people down by the pool because it's Tempe, Arizona and there's fucking 30 people eating in the restaurant

and I go up on the second floor and I go into the corner and I take a cigarette and I light it now there's another guy on the other side he's smoking a cigarette he puts his cigarette out and he walks in I take my fucking joint out Lee

and I spark that motherfucker and meanwhile the whole time I'm smoking the cigarette like this with my left hand but I got the joint in my right hand Lee and when nobody watches I make believe like somebody's calling me and when I go to get the cell phone I take through it

so I have the joint and the fucking air is catching this and you can see that the people in both conferences are looking around and I'm right in front of them Lee smoking the fucking cigarette and they cannot figure out who the fuck is doing this

Lee I was doing it for three days I tormented people at this hotel in Arizona the last time I'll never forget the third day people were running in the fucking lot trying to figure out who it was

and there I am on the balcony right in front of them they have like statutes for that hotel now because of that event in whatever year to deal with smokers like they have a whole new part of a rule book they had to teach people

let me tell you something I never saw Gentiles in such a state of panic they were fucking running around Lee the third day the Bellman the fucking security go to the roof go to the second floor were you moving around the hotel just to festival

yeah I'm on the balcony watching them smoking reefer while they're looking everywhere but at me because I'm right in front of them Lee what do they think you were smoking a cigarette? they thought I wasn't even smoking cigarettes

I just knew that if I the only reason I could go on this balcony was to smoke a cigarette and they keep looking at me and they're looking at the cigarette and they're going it's not him but what they're not seeing is that I keep taking my phone out going hello hold on one second

and I'm taking two hits off the joint blowing it and then what I would do is is leave the roach by the fucking plant that was planters out there and I would leave the roach by the plant do you think it got sent for DNA? do they go catch up? no no no no

they do they're like we knew it we knew it Lee that was fucking a bl- I love doing that type of shit always how do they go on a separate floor to smoke? so you go all the way up to the last floor you're smoking all the way

and then you take the elevator down to let's say you're in floor number 5 you take the elevator up to the 18th floor you're going to the emergency hallway without sending off the alarm you smoke you get back on the elevator you exit 10 and you walk down

to 5 that's the move right there if you're going to travel and smoke marijuana has it worked for me? like a charm? plus they can't they can't they can't figure it out I'm always worth it that the door's going to be locked

in those stairways no you always double check you put a shoe in there or something like that come on and you go up to the fucking two floors up you burn some calories what the fuck do you think you're dealing with things Johnny bananas? and you don't just prefer just taking an edible and sitting

in a room it's not like when you're a smoker when you're a real smoker there's something about it becoming a party at night really? you go back at night you fucking get a cup of coffee you smoke a little tutsuruts there's something about that process that just the edible

is very nice too but sometimes you eat an edible and you want something to ease into the edible you just don't want to go in a shock you follow him saying to you come on you live in fucking line listen before we move on thank you very much for supporting us

400 fucking episodes people 400 fucking episodes uh it's a way it couldn't happen without you guys you know fucking talking land you know all you motherfuckers water box, Cleo it couldn't happen without you guys

all you guys tonight they were wondering where the fuck we were and that's where we were sick as a matter of fact a little something on the sore throat I'm sorry Leigh you okay? yeah I'll plead no I'm dying I'm gonna die I got fucking no one

I got nothing I'm just saying you never fucking know that's part of it leaving your fucking body oh my god yeah sometimes you just get shit you're not gonna get it you're tough for that something that's been like weirdly really? I just went fussy for a second oh you're gonna start shitting people it's all over she's gonna be trying to lick your balls

you're gonna be trying to leak out of your fucking muffler that's it you're gonna cancel the new part cancel the new part right now and get your diploma back because that's a long drive to Newport while you're shitting your pants and shit and ain't nobody want to be with you now okay did you just feel something fuzzy?

no no no I feel fine I did my like eyes but weird oh yeah oh because she did three bonkins so there's death plus two more three plus the two more you're gonna do after we go off to fucking A it's the 400th fucking episode who gives a fuck that's when you smoke reefer

anybody could smoke reefer when everybody's hip hop would do smoke reefer when you have fucking blood blisters in your throat and you watch them blow up like you're doing bonkins that's when you smoke them pot you don't want to what why are your blood blisters in your throat

that are exploding stop smoking for a few days what? no that was years ago not blood blisters you got those little throat polyps and they stick on there when you cough out they spit out like a little piece of meat behind your tooth and you take them and you break them up and you sniff them you never broke up a throat polyp

what's wrong with you one of those yellow balls of death that comes out of your throat I've never lived like this give me a couple more weeks you'll be smoking some fucking bonkins you'll be smoking up some fucking throat polyps what the fuck they are I don't even know listen a couple weeks ago I went to

I went to a pretty interesting experience that I've been thinking about a lot lately when I was a kid I used to have birthday parties and my mom used to make me go to a fucking tailor and it always seemed like a nightmare while I was there

you know even though I got two new fucking suits out of it that lasted a year because I had grown it was always pretty nice ever since my mom died in 79 I stopped getting tailored suits I got the money to pay for tailored suit you got a fucking TJ Maxx to the fat man section and they always got some fucking

suit you could wear to a funeral for $49.95 and shit one time I bought a magician one time listen I was opening up I was doing the sunflower casino one of those and I was opening up for Diane Ford

and David Tell and she says you're emceeing so you got to wear some type of tuxedo so they had no tuxedos I went down to Melrose I had the small 50 all they had in my size was a guy that was a magician and they started to quit he then dropped off his gear

a magician? I still have the fucking I don't have the tux I live on fire but I still have the picture of my magician top here's where it gets even worse guys I get to the fucking whatever casino and guess who's dead both David Tell

canceled and whoever else I was supposed to work with I was opening up for Tim Allen here I am with the fucking magician suit working all week with my man fucking Tim Allen I don't embarrass design anyway you want to talk about bad days

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like me and Lee because we're fucking vampires three suits was $300 because you know every time I wear a suit there's always a fire or somebody wants to walk around with a fucking nail in their shoe and also they get caught on it but every once in a while man you want to look good you want to get that job

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fucking delivery get your shit together go look at these suits right now on the way out pressing H-U-R-C-H cut this shit and get your life together I'm really happy Ana came through for me this week I got some new product to try I got the mixed greens

I got two more fucking hip protein shakes I got an alpha brain and I got a fucking shroom tech sport I'm back bitches I'm gonna put this nose to the mother fucking test mother fuckers you hear that I've been fucking

douching it out fucking saline in there it's a nightmare but I've been doing it thank you for your support and the whole thing but do me a favor Ana it's always on top I'll tell you what else you want to look into they got and you don't get no discount on these but I'm telling you those little clubs that

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to you that that new green thing they got the doctor police recommended it's a new lemon line play but I can't fucking wait listen this podcast is about you motherfuckers and the growth elite thank you very much for listening tonight I know you mother fucking expected fireworks

and for us to do heroin I thought about it but my health is not the best part right now I didn't want to shit myself in the office in front of your people but you know us motherfuckers we don't back up you understand me a little Sabbath bloody Sabbath tonight I don't know Lee whatever you fucking think

you don't matter anything Leonard Skinner I think let's do something Leonard Skinner give me back my bullets by Leonard Skinner I love you guys see you next week we're just doing one podcast this week why shoot ourselves in the fucking leg thank you for the love and support happy 400 cocksuckers this

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music music music Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah so's we'll we'll come for a round show, we'll come for a spot show, we'll come for a round show, we'll come for a spot show, spirit show we'll come for a spot show on the crawlingo hunt we'll come back for a spot show in thes Give me back my place Oh, put back where they belong Give me back my place

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