Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #401 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: August 1, 2016

Steve Simeone, Comedian, seen on "This Is Not Happening" on Comedy Central and host of the, "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast. joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Joey and Steve will be performing at the Cherokee Casino in Oklahoma on Saturday, August 6, 2016. Get tickets here:https://goo.gl/qdhezv This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping! Helix Sleep: Go to helixsleep.com/JOEY to get $50 off of your order off a custom mattress and free shipping.    Recorded on 07/31/2016      

Fucking anxiety. That's your new nickname. Captain anxiety. Yeah This show is brought to you by Blue Apron Go to blueapron.com slash Joey right now check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free That's right. You're getting your first three meals for free with free shipping You go to blueapron.com slash Joey you'll love how good it feels and tastes to and to create incredible Homecooked meals with blue apron. So don't wait blueapron.com slash Joey The show is also brought to you by Helix sleep Go to helixsleep.com slash Joey right now to save $50 off of your order of a custom mattress that will cost you hundreds instead of thousands

It's helixsleep.com slash Joey right now to save $50 on your order and you're going to get free shipping from helixsleep.com Slash Joey the show is also brought to you by onit.com Go to onit.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like alphabrain new mood shumta commune and shumta export Kick that fucking mule Lee it's Monday morning aka whatever the fuck it is The church of what's happening now Lisa yet my little brother Steve Simone Here we go hers out quick it goes How the fuck did I get here? Oh shit Oh

Here we go I Killed that fucking motherfucker Lee little old school Talking heads on a fucking Sunday night aka Monday morning. I'm my little brother Lisa yet. Hello Steve Simone. Thanks for having me No, thank you for coming on man. I wanted to talk to you about a few things last time you came on and We wanted a tangent. We were high and I apologize. I didn't mean to apologize Till today I saw your boy last night scolaro. He apologized looking good. Yeah, nice little beautiful girl from with him He was looking clean. Yeah

Scolaro's a fucking savage. I had a great weekend Just working out the sour. I appreciated you if you came out to the Ice house on Friday night. I had a great time with you in stage two. Like I said, this is all experimental I'm just trying to work out material to make the sour the best it could be I want to thank you for coming out and supporting and we took pictures and smoke dope. It was tremendous This weekend I'm with my main man Lisa Lisa yet with my main man Steve Simone We're gonna take a fucking plane down to Oklahoma to play the Cherokee Casino. It's gonna be great with some American Indians

We're gonna eat dinner with the chiefs and shit. We ain't fucking around. They got a buffalo. They got everything. You understand me I'm excited to be the chief. We're gonna wear the head tribe the whole fucking deal when I'm fucking around this weekend We're gonna eat some mushrooms. We're gonna give Simone some mushrooms You know, it's gonna be beautiful, but that said I missed you guys just at home Nose recovering assholes recovered. You know, we're ready to go From time to time stuff comes out of the nose with the saline wash, but you know, that's it The song is over. We got to tackle the last quarter of the fucking year like savages Why you do anything whether you're a plumber or printer a rider

This is it. You want to end the fucking year off with a bang So if you start in September because your mind masturbate in yourself It starts August 1st and August 1st is basically motherfucking today. You understand me? So That's the that's the attitude. What's your wife saying? So she disappears for two weeks Yeah, she comes back when's the resumes go out the resumes have already started going out She started before the bar she started and she actually finished she did three days of the bar and Yes, and now it starts now any calls coming through yet. Yeah, she's gone on a couple interviews But it's tough because like she doesn't want to be a like a law firm attorney

She wants to be like work like as a DA or something So they can't really hire you until you have your bar results like the big law firms have enough money that they'll hire you Until you get your results assuming you pass if you don't pass you get fired But so now she's gonna do like pro bono stuff probably wow until she gets the results and then she'll get Then she'll get a real job nice very nice. Oh, yeah, it's a it's a big thing to do a fuck It's a big thing to do anything like that And you know what you look at it from my perspective because I'm a little older and you know that you control yourself when you're 26 25

You've put in all these fucking years 24 to take this now this could decide your fate This people have taken a three fucking time this people take it more than that. You know, so seven ten times Yeah, it's a fucking you know, it is what it is. So I can't imagine the discipline I would have been one of those dumb fucks that I would have done well in law school But I would have flunked the fuck I can't that I flunked it anywhere. I moved to I always wanted driving test That's why I could read the book 80 fucking times I still fucking flunk it if I hit it. It's because by luck right in LA I hit it by luck the first time they throw a curveball at me

It took me for a ride in the motor school to pull it up next to me. I was fucked I was fucked once a motor scooter pulls up next to you. You don't know what the fuck to do What are you supposed to do? I don't know. I have no fucking idea till today He failed and had to come back and pray that there was no fucking foreigners on the road with fucking French helmets and shit Hilarious, I swear to God. I swear to God in Seattle. I failed it three times in Colorado. I took it Once and the only reason I got is I stuck up with a fucking guy in the old man in the house I mean, it's always been a by the way with me driver's license my original driver's license I got because I knew the dude at the driving school. That's a little so for the small yardstick

Soon as you turn 16 in my neighborhood down in North Bergen when I was a kid yeah The day you hit 16 the guy came over to your house And he gave me a little driver's permit you gotta drive with somebody in the car. That's it. You went bananas, right? Somebody can meet anybody. No, it didn't mean anybody man. Listen over 25 In our world, it could have been a retarded kid We was fine anybody you got your fucked up, you know, you got hit in the head with a missile and get numb Don't let you leave the house. We pick you up. We thank you for a nice ride. We take you to see caucus We go get we we throw rocks at all cuz you know

We had once you hit 16 in my old neighborhood down there and giving that terrorist down there Charles court Soon as you hit 16 a guy knocked on your door Hello, hello Seeing our records because you already tell the guy like two weeks before you even turn 16 with command Where's this guy coming from? He worked. He was Mike Denny's my friend's like second cousin So Mike Denny and he was like a little pervert you can tell that he like kid magazines and he had like the whole car with the kitty thing With the extra steering wheel That's gotta be the worst job in the world. He owned the absolute worst job in the company

But I think you know now looking at it fucking it was 40 years ago guys and I gotta tell you something thinking about it now This is just I don't it hit me about Ten years after it happened because I had heard something about him You know when you see somebody yeah, and you think something to your head But you don't say dick and people telling you Also, you find out that you're like dog. I didn't want to fucking say it right away You feel something I that day that he came over. It's nothing. He was looking at me weird or whatever. Yeah, it was that I Thought I saw like as crazy as it seems a coloring book in the backseat

Right again. I said to myself what adult drives around with a coloring book But then you know, maybe your 16 year old brother brought his little sister with him right now the driving test or on the driving Permain or who the fuck knows? But who drives around with a coloring book in the back of their fucking cars when so years years later Like he gave me that and I never saw him again guys but years and years later like I got I got the thing from him in Maybe July like I was late to the dance I got it from him in

July of 79 and like in May of 85 I heard something fucked up about that He had been pulled over And he had molested some kids right there. I go that coloring book Yeah, I've never got that fucking coloring book But that was the dude who knocked on your door and for like a bill or bill and a half He did everything you'd have to do the drive. You have to test around no because now when you turn 17

You even went to a special line Wow, like When you turn 17 was when you had to permit But if you went to a driving school you follow me So it was all a fucking scam so he figured it out listen. I can charge 700 and have two people a month I can charge Two people 700 still get that and charge 55 people buck on a quarter and only spend 10 minutes with them It's not a seven fucking weeks. Yeah, I'll give you the short program just because you know somebody that's great

How crazy is that? It's inside the short program like I just signed the paperwork You just signed the paperwork and then on driving day on the 7 on your 17th birthday you go in there You have to bring somebody with a car that's insured and take the driving test and that's it because you took the written with him He already gave you the written. He already gave you a fake written. You got a 98 you failed one Gee you see filled one and that's it. You got a 98 like he did one I mean like I was no computers. There was no number two pencil Yeah, it was yeah wasn't number two pencil because they put a graph over it and there were three different tests

You know I'm saying so it was just how it is now except now They put in a computer and the things and then as your test results and they could see if you're cheating whatever the fuck now They really nail you yeah Well now they have a thing at least when I was doing it that you're supposed to do Observation like so you're supposed to sit in the back and watch someone else take drivers out and I never did it like they Like the driver said to me like hey We could like like the whole school was known for like other kids to tell you to go to the drivers out at the school Because they didn't make you do observation

last night I was driving home and And this is my witness. I have robbed people. I have robbed drug dealers You know I kidnapped a guy the time Lee Tell these motherfuckers beside you parking in front of my house. What is my number one pet peeve when we drive? People not paying attention stop signs stop signs. I fucking yell at this guy every time he rolls He thinks it's a fucking joke now He rolls constantly if I'm in the car with Lee ten times He rolls a stop sign and one night he's gonna be stoned to the gills

Oh, they're gonna get him on a roll and he's gonna go to jail for 20 fucking years gonna think of me I see a stop sign. I respect the stop sign more than I do a red light There's more cops at stop signs, especially after one in the morning what there are fucking red lights. That's money That's money to sit on fountain on a stop sign down by Santa Monica. You think it's a stop sign Oh, you know where they they nail you why I tell you where they used to nail you Right after you hit Sal's fucking whatever subway South sandwiches, okay? I'm found here. Stay right there. There's a stop sign with a boat egg in the corner. Yeah, absolutely Bad whenever I was coked up to the gills when I hit that area

I was by the book to the fucking second. You understand me I think last Thomas and found right there. Yeah, and there's a coconut guy and there's always police cars There are stations like two blocks away. That's the first place. I ever got a fucking ticket for talking on the phone I looked at the phone guy made a U-turn. He's down there all the time a black skinny guy Not a bad guy. I've had conversations with me told me because I gotta give you a ticket I had nothing that no license no registration no insurance. No, I had everything, but I didn't know where it was Right, I definitely had no license. Wow, and he gave me a 24 hour ticket and a no license ticket for 30 bucks That's not when you pay when you go to court

They tacked 30 82 for the fucking front 55 for the cop shoes 88 for fucking the least I had the Institute for the fucking bongo players You always get on me about that and it's not I don't like not stop But I feel like I slow down and stop and then like I just edged forward just to see if anyone's coming So you want me to just stop completely behind the line every time even backstreet That's why they nail you is in the backstreet a cop will let you run a yellow But he has to pull you over For a stop sign especially after midnight and they will

10 out of 10 Times, but you know what they never fuck with me because I stopped for stop signs and I'm gonna tell you why Because as soon as you become 16 at school and you've got your driver permit you went to a teacher and He signed your paperwork and then he'd go okay come to my office and get on the schedule And what you do is at a certain time you took that as a class that replaced your gym That's great So three other kids you and two other kids got in the car with this teacher

Okay. Oh, you must be the same. This is hysterical. It was donated to us by the Buick Cadillac dealer. So it was two of those black Donnie Brasco Fucking Guido out cars or whatever. Yeah with the black. There was a white one and a beige one I will never ever ever ever forget this, okay? So the guy's name is George McGrath. That was my that was that was my second meeting with George McGrath George McGrath was a running back coach and I was a freshman and the first thing I noticed the bottom was he had a red Mustache, you know, he was red. Yeah, he was Irish But his mustache was brown

From smoking camels with no filter and he'd be out there yelling and shit But I like McGrath and this guy tearing over. But anyway, that's a complete different story I became friends with McGrath and I something about McGrath. I knew something. You know, yeah You ever look at somebody like mr. Say it this fucking guy He knows something he do with a good just that. Yeah, there's some parents who gather some and when you're 17 It means a lot for somebody to kind of not let you know what they do But to let you know You're gonna be alright. Yes, you know, I'm saying like he was one of those dudes

So now I'm 16. I don't play football. I'm a basketball player I had no use for him or each other But right away I go to him and I go listen. I got a sign up for your program So at 10 o'clock in the morning you meet in front of the high school and mr. McGrath and two other people So I would go in cahoots. I would go to Steve Simone. You know what time is your gym dog? Then sign up right at least sign up. So you guys are all in the car together us three with this teacher No, no, oh, yeah, now this teacher for mr. McGrath mr. McGrath turned out to be a dynamite fucking dude Right dynamite like he was just cool and shit, but little by little mr. McGrath started taking me for little errands

But listen to how cool McGrath was We used to go mr. McGrath What do you want to go and he would go which direction do you want to go kids and we go? Let's go to chance drag it in then we'll turn around And we go to chance drag it in as they were opening Yeah, and we get out of the car the switch and one of us are going to chance they go Where you going? We ordered ribs and steak on the sticks. This is how long I've been going to chance Lisa at 16 years old was the first time I'm 50 fucking three and I still keep that when I go home

Every time it's the first place that's who took me. I'll never forget to look on his fucking face So that was the first thing so he got everybody got hip to if you sign up for the 1045 whatever you got it He'll let you turn around up there I love how you are you're acting like this is normal like like to sit like three 16 year olds Orting steak on a stick and this is hysterical drivers into it and eating the steak in the stick and him sitting there going Listen to all my years. This is the craziest thing I've ever done and we're howling we got Ted Nugent We bring our own cassette insane black Sabbath Pat Benatar It was crazy and you would sign up twice a week

So it got to the point where one damn in the car and I'm with these fucking savages Just kick Alangelo. He goes fuck chance Oh my god with mr. McGrath. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, and he goes guys I can't miss my grab. It's gonna be cool. This is a pack and he took it. We drank it a pack with Oh, please he goes as long as I drive guys Please write this as a show this will be so much better than the wonder years. This is crazy This is just could you imagine? What kids like a failure drivers test just they could keep going with mr. McGrath

Oh, this one on foot my whole fucking shop one junior. I would have failed every time but my junior year. I had him on a string. Oh I knew what he did. I knew that he did blow. I knew a lot of things So you think you could sense it when you first met him like there's something there So one time I'm in the car with him and we're on 38th and Bergen line Avenue and meet a meet-a-ville as he used to call it He would always say to me why are we going to meet a meet-a-ville? Uh-huh, and he knew but he didn't know that was going to get blow You know I'm saying like he knew but didn't know I'm a sophomore six between June and high school. Let's go out. That's I quit my senior year So I took them both years got what yours is this is

881 now everybody was hip to McGrath if you got to the car with a gravity ticket to the liquor store But I took it to the deeper waters I got to the point where my junior year. I was using the double barrel shotgun That's a piece of glass Two little things that you put in your nose and they're like a horseshoe and they're connected by a glass with a spoon on the middle So you stick the spoon in you put the two things to your nose and you go Goes in your nose. I'll never forget. We're at a red light one time I

Got my seat belt And all of a sudden I take a little bend the lap and he's at the light like listen to music He's tapping like life is beautiful and he's looking like left and all of a sudden as he looks right I got the mound of coke on the glass and I got both tubes and I'm like I'm waiting for him to look at me He looks over I go and he goes what the fuck is that he goes Jesus fucking Christ. You're gonna get I died I fucking I died with the camel after why I just call him the camel behind his back Another time I was in one of those beo's and the car broke down And all of a sudden some kids walking across the street walks on he goes, hey, man, I think your car is fucked up

I become tight with mr. McGrath This is how we meet driver at school. I'm a little McGrath's kind of crooked the whole fucking thing. I Quit high school. I'd see him at different football functions. I'd see him at different bars. You know, he's give me a big hug Then one morning he contacted me because a younger friend of mine cut his finger off And we had a drive to the hospital and that's how I became tight with him I went to the hospital that day and we got talking and he asked me about my mother That there's something he could do his father and this whole thing and and that was it I knew he went out at night. I knew he got drunk. Yeah fast forward that fucking the day after graduating from high school

Mm-hmm. I got a call from camel Brad Then he goes come on to my house. What really happened was we robbed his dude and we had this tremendous Coke and take and my buddy was in summer school, but to let him get out for the day I had to go bribe the teacher. I knew the teacher did blow So I called the teacher and they gave him a piece of coke and he said to me. No, no, no Do me another piece make me a 40. Let me let me get you on Friday So I broke the piece. I go just give me a 50 on Friday. It's Monday morning. We pulled my friend from class I blackmailed the teacher plus I give him a rock

He's hanging out with the camel. So I know they're both partners. So on Friday. I call fucking T and he goes none. I know you got to collect from McGrath So now I had never ever dealt in cocaine or money with McGrath, but now I'm out of high school It's the third day out of high school. Yeah He calls me up and he goes come over. I'll give you the fucking money when I walk in He goes you ever do something with somebody else and you end up paying for it. That's what's going on He gives me the $50. Yeah, and I'm against my best judgment. I go, you know what man Did you like the coke just to clear the air that he did coke yeah, and he goes it wasn't bad coke

But follow me to my room This guy's a high school teacher Plus a football coach and drivers and instructor and driver and instructor they give them three checks great great guy We walk up into his bedroom. He goes close the door behind you He pulls on his fucking sleeper, you know the thing next to where you sleep Whatever that's called like the night stand thing night stand. He pulls the mirror out of there Then he opens up a fucking closet. He goes to the top of the closet He puts down a fucking bag of blood like this big

He opens it up. He takes a spoolie lay somebody goes do some of that Let me know what your shit was compared to that and I did two lines in this shit was fucking off the chain And he goes I don't sell it. He goes I deliver it for a guy Oh, I know a Spanish friend, but he can't go to most white people's house So I go with a suit on and I go as a real estate guy and I deliver an ounce or two at a time Right there he cracked me into what he did, but I still I used to hit him up for blow all the time But he was going I was going crazy, but he was also going crazy He would call me up at that time and go take my car go down the Pathmark liquors

And get me a case of Bud two bottles of tequila three bottles of whiskey. He was you know, it was 82 Everybody was hiding everybody was doing blow. It was looking out windows at that point, you know, some people weren't at that level I wasn't at that level, but he was but my most famous McGrath story is we robbed the gas station And we had big bills, but a thousand dollar bills Dollar bills, you know, so we owed him money. Okay. I owed him like a thousand bucks And I call him at three in the morning. He goes, what the fuck do you want? I go, mr. McGrath, hold on Don't hang up. You're still calling on mr. McGrath. Yeah He goes, what the fuck do you want to go? I got cash for you. He goes, okay, and I

Go I need an eight ball and he goes 300 cash right now. I can't for you. He goes You got any money to take off the tab? I go. I'll give you an extra hundred on top. He goes done Be on my corner in two minutes first. He told me had no blow. We had it down the Jersey show We're ready to fucking go. It's three in the morning dog. We're juiced up. We got maybe a gram left We're driving all night and then when we land we're going to a party. Yeah, maybe there's a guy down there with an eight ball We didn't know that we just drive it down with us. Jesus Christ. I could have done 20 years for that shit in those days And I'll never forget going to his house in the corner and giving him, you know, 300 singles look like We gave him 400 singles. No, and it was loose in a brown bag

So we handed it to me. It's like Jesus fucking Christ. Thank you. You want to like an hour way and I call them back It's like you cock sucker. They were all dollar bills. It's gonna take me two hours to count that fucking money It was 400 singles. Wow fucking thing Plus we gave those things to get across the Jersey Bridge the token of the tunnel in those days. They were booklets. You could buy a booklet We must have clipped fucking three thousand those fucking things. I forget I forget how many in that thing. Oh, it was a great summer It's a great fucking summer dog right after high school great fucking summer. Wow. That's how you got to live I wish it would have lasted. I wish nobody had to do time and we could do all that shit still But that's how I met the camel and that all goes back to drivers that but his the whole prerogative of this story is that

He goes if you ever want to piss off the police run a stop sign Huh, he would that's the first thing you'd say. Don't mess with stop signs And as cocked up as he was and as drunk as he was till this day I listened to him to the tee because he'd go when you roll They're gonna get you gonna go to jail. Yeah, because he used to use it from the perspective is you might have a gun on the car You might have a half a particular coat never give him a reason to pull you over. It's 35 you do 33 Who gives a fuck? Yeah, you got a nice shirt on and this guy never got arrested. He used to go to all in fact Like in July of that year. We became chummy

We know and I really liked him. He liked me and I get me trusted I knew that side of the world and people knew that I knew it, right? They just asked don't repeat it to our kids, you know, right? We know that, you know, our kids He took me to this party one day It was in West New York, New Jersey one of those tall buildings a lot of fucking like these Different type of it wasn't like the the itsy-ritsy type of white people today It wasn't like that like it was just a bunch of guys his age And he went in then he dropped off blow but the guy gave him something and the people were really nice

They asked me if I wanted a line of coke in those days when somebody you offered you a line of coke Mm-hmm. It was like somebody was giving you $20 Nobody ever came up to you that and said do you want to do a line because it was $20. Wow Align was 20 bucks. Listen the grandma coke was a hundred fucking dollars when places show That's and you didn't even know what's gonna be good or it was gonna be fucking bad When places show you didn't know whether this money was gonna be this coke was gonna be really really really really really fucking good Or like cut already. It's a hundred fucking bucks So when you had a hundred, you know, and you would buy half grams in those days, you know, how big a half-gram is

Let me tell you what a half-gram is. I'm fucking paper. Just so you see what a half a gram is okay a half a gram Of coke Looks like that Yeah, that's 220 it's right there that's a 20 each side is a 20 So if you did that, how long would you be high for it? When I first started doing blow that would take me from nine o'clock So two in the morning and I would go home jerk off ten times and go to sleep like nothing happened so for everyone listening he just basically had a pile and

Right ran his fingers through it and made to it looks like big lines I'm not sure it doesn't even look like it would fill a packet of sugar in those days I could do a line like this all night long these little lines. I could do 52 of these all night fucking long All night long. No, is that a bump or no, that's in those days That was a line if you weren't an animal you went to a party, you know, you were talking to people You would be you would be drinking if you went to a party and you were talking to people you had to be drinking beer Okay, because the beer would make you the cocaine burns through the beer If you went to a party and started hitting scotch early on to numb the coke

then you get fucked up because You're always chasing every line with a scotch It's a fucking nightmare and then once you run out of coke the scotch and everything you drank in the night Comes to a halt and that's when you fucking pass out Chad like a fucking a tree That's the one I've only ever seen it once and it was like the first party I ever went to here and it's still it's Thank God you didn't do it. God bless you. You're happy. Yeah, listen. We eat a thousand milligrams of stars And everybody goes home happy. Yeah, you live to tell another fucking story. Okay? Yeah, but you want you know I've had people send emails and say what the fuck are you guys doing with your life? You know what man?

What would you rather me do? What would you rather me do I tried to drink? Yeah for God's sake I really wanted to be part of that culture not to lose a part of the culture, right? But I love to know what an IPO is and a fucking a fucking glazed beer And I like to be able to know about that shit and go down and taste three beers Listen as bad as I'm craving a beer down there when I go to those places. It's ten minutes Yeah, what's the beer is over? We could talk anywhere. We could talk in front of 711 at least have entertainment Oh fucking lady. We put the lights on her eyes

If she starts yawning, I said no teeth get the fuck out of here And then leave us to give her money. She won't take these money and shit. That really happened Yeah, we drove in we were in front of 711. She was just yelling at our car We were just sitting there for like five minutes just you just yelling at us I tried to give her money and she just kept like talking and staring It was not good, but I did something speaking about Stop signs. I've only done it twice in my life and it's still the scariest thing that I've ever done driving Running a red light by accident like you think you're gonna make the yellow and you just miss it and you just keep going

I always think I'm gonna kill someone or all your cops right there. It's terrifying Listen, I'm gonna light it up, but it that was a time dog when if I didn't feel like I wouldn't stop her red Like that last shot of red Then I started looking at people looked how annoying it looked like what you're telling me is fucked you Yes, but that's what you're telling me I'm going to make the left here and you know you're way gone past the red and you want to go and stop traffic because you're that fucking important and One of these days, that's everybody in the we were the nut You're gonna hit somebody at two in the afternoon and somebody's gonna be in the backseat

Yeah, it's gonna catch up with you. So now when I see a yellow, I just fucking stop Yes, if you're right there, the thing turns yellow You know when you can make that yellow and you know when you can't you when I'm fucking retarded here We all know what it is. Yes, there's little things guys. I'm an asshole I'm in a criminal, but I will tell you one thing. I always knew for the last 30 years That if you lose your license in this country You ain't worth shit. Oh, you be dead and I'm upset it over and over and over and over I

Was at that ice house fucking Friday night and you sit by the bar and you get the TV screens and the wait staff is very nice to you Great club the bartender and you're foaming from the mouth for a white Russian You're foaming from the fucking mouth for a white Russian or Colorado bulldog Or a fucking, you know a fucking doers on the rocks You're foaming from the fucking mouth, but you know when you make that left on the 134 There's always a fucking the highway patrol there And you know that once you're gonna 30 for 134 after you've had a drink You know that those cars are doing a lot quicker than what you think they're fucking doing. Absolutely when you're trying to get that left

Fuck the ladies shit and cars are flying by and you know what what happens you make it all the way to fuck home They get pulled over the cops smelled the weed from ten years ago when I had weed the glove compartment I get pulled over they give me a breathalyzer Were you drinking I had a white Russian and all of a sudden there I go. Yeah I said ten G's ten G's and cash effort and fucking time absolutely You know, that's why I don't smoke in a fucking colony. That's why I don't do nothing at night people come up to me Let's get high I got a drive up fucking Laurel Canyon God forbid somebody misses deadline and hits me and the cop goes are your eyes red

Yeah, because I smoke with some fucking knucklehead at the company store. No dog No, I don't fuck around at night because that's when they're looking for it You know, it's where they're not looking for it. Listen, Kenison wrote a joke about if you drive don't drink and drive drive on fountain. Yep People are still driving on fountain. I don't drink and drive and I drive on fountain me too. Just a principle I just love fountain. I've always loved fountain fountain. It's a street below Sunset Boulevard between Santa Monica Boulevard and it runs West to whatever the fuck east yeah from like La Siena going all the way the fuck up Dodger's day There's and it's too. It's too late. It's sometimes it's four lanes. There's a part where there's kids standing up there

There's a fucking old school acting school. Yeah People stand out there for in the afternoon and a hundred degree heat and tell lines and usually people yelling at each other and doing exercises Like fucking Pokemon people with those fucking knuckleheads. It's a goddamn nightmare That video you tweeted was crazy in Central Park That's the shit that scares me, you know, it's not the fucking nuclear weapons, it's not Trump's wig None of that shit scares me, you know, it scares me that that people would go that fucking far Listen, you want to sit in the train and play Pokemon on your phone? That's one thing but to be jumping around and bumping into each other

Two years ago, they were zombies. These are the same fucking idiots that were watching that fucking show Yeah, one of the festivals and putting ketchup on their face and try to scare each other Festivals for fucking morons. It's that that's all it is. That's all that is That's if you're an adult and you went to one of those things. I gotta take a stripe off it I gotta take a stripe off it and if you get hit by a car, I can't send flowers. It's obligated. You're a fucking idiot It's something from you know, we live in this time you try to really be a fucking nice guy, you know I was telling you That the reason why I wanted to talk to you today was because of something that happened to me last week

I went to lunch with a friend of mine or brother's friend and we were talking about benefits and why people don't do them And why I had to stop doing them. Yeah, because I always felt like People getting scammed. Yeah, it's weird that now you're doing something. That's just beautiful Yeah, that you put together as a grassroots movement. Yeah on your own. It's not something that You haven't involved James Cameron and Sophia Loren fucking Barbra Streisand No, by the way tickets are going on sale Lee. We're going to see Barbra Streisand. We're renting tuxedos Renting we're buying we're going to see Bob is right there. Where's she playing? The fucking whatever downtown tickets a thousand

Thousands Lee to see Barbra Streisand, you know why she's Barbara Streisand. What's the square root of Streisand? She's you Tickets like the cheap tickets like she outdid like it tickets, right? Like she said, let me know what the highest like is 6,000. Bam. Give me 10,000. Wait, is this reason is this like stumbub or is this like Her tip her prices Listen, I don't know if you know this Bob is stressing don't even know what stubb hub is. She knows one thing, okay? Three Mexicans show up about 15 minutes before she takes the stage and Then give them fucking four bags of money that look like bodies are in them

The three poor Mexicans gotta make like eight trips. They gotta get the hand card They gotta call the cousin the other cousin got a call with a fucking other cousin You know three bags that look like body bags filled with yardsticks Wow Go online just see what Barbara Streisand wants for the tickets at the Staples Center Let's just see what the fuck she wants. I eat at this place And there's a gay waiter and he's the best he entertains me. I love him with all my heart He looks like what's the guy lives underwater and he's a fucking cheeseburger or something Yeah, he looks just like one of the characters

Even mercy call them that one time Whatever the fuck he is So, uh, he came up to me first. He was just and I would never ask you I know you're into the entertainment business. Oh, he goes. I really want to go see the other one What's the chubby one? That's really funny. I like it, too. I saw years ago That Miller that Miller and I go, you know what I don't he goes Jesus Christ these tickets are expensive hit me Lee Hit me for Staples Center Let me check here. I think yeah, the lowest is 99. Okay goes up to 510

Five face value $510 face. Yep. Yep And I'm a tail. I'm sure afford to live anymore. I'm sure that's not like $500 You know, just to lay the ticket and I'm not here to insult nobody. I'm gonna tell you who pays to 510 the richest Jews in Hollywood Because God forbid Bob is trice and peak over

And your juice ain't there I did you get don't show up and pay the 510 to my mother fucking tickets. She already knows She knows, you know what I run with about fucking Maybe 64 Jews. I want I want 190 tickets and 510 out of respect Cuz those those those seats are not gonna go to blacks or Cubans or regular fucking white people. No, they're going to rich Fucking Jews that can't that these Jews don't even leave the house dog. They got butlers They don't even leave the house and a poly by like 20 of them. You think I'm 10. You think I'm kidding you That's why she does that. Yeah, she said she knows that if you want to have a talk to Babs

You best be paying the 510. Yeah, it's a whole Respect it's like a respect thing like this is this is my value. This is my backyard I get it. I see you motherfuckers in Beverly Hills. Yeah, you know, she demands like a big ticket here But anyway, sorry about Barbara Streisang's want to tell you What about like a sweet how much do you think those are going for? There's no in fact the people listen to me Again the gay way to tell me you got it inside information people who have yearly sweets

That's one of the shows There's no sweets because she wants Don't big money like big money like already Jews are flying in from Israel Like if you're Jewish and you're real you have to be there You have to be there with this 510 is nothing like they they're gonna go back stage later on though You know what that's worth in Hollywood. Yeah, you have any idea that then the front row is gonna be Tom Hanks Steinbrenner not Steinbrenner. God rest his soul What's his name Spielberg Spielberg? That's opening night like opening night LA is gonna be the who's who at Beverly Hill

Yeah, if you can put a tuxedo on and sneak into the first three rows people will come up to you and give you a business card Call me on Monday. I have a property. I love you You know, who are you? I'm a comedian my management firm is looking for the first comedian. Who's your client? We have Harrison Ford and and the estate of Marlon Brando's assigned Because you're just sitting it's like when Joe Furrier's your fault Muhammad Ali. Yeah, they said the who's who was this was there Woody Allen was there with me a pharaoh, you know, just to be there alone just for the camera to hit you Right, that's it. Somebody at home was like they put him in a movie. Hey, let's do something with you That's what it does. That's why those people mug up for the cameras when you watch them in those events

You know I'm saying and it's weird because I think a lot of people just right under me Probably only know her from like the parents and like maybe that movie she did with Seth Rogen She does one movie over like four years. Oh, yeah, see yeah because You know, she's like an Elton John You guys here Elton John once along the jealousy Elton John I don't know what the fuck these people are talking about right we say that and most people that are under 30 or maybe number 40 Do I have no idea who? I wish I said who Elton John was. Elton John is just that fucking powerful. You know, there was a time from

maybe 70 76 that he was unstoppable gentlemen 77. I think he went all the way to 81 I think something like that. He was just unstoppable He had an HBO special that would air all the time when I was kid We was like an a Donald Duck outfit or something to play in the piano in Central Park That was just crazy this just crazy this, you know, he had the fucking song in the whole movie, you know Pinball wizard, you know, he was just guys. He was everywhere. It's tough to fucking explain

For a guy like me, I have John and I gotta stop. Hmm. I gotta stop take a breath and go Jesus Christ I was so lucky to be alive during this shit like I was I could tell you why I was I Could tell you when I listened to it. I could tell you what the song meant to me Wow, you know, when you were like eight and you're when I was ten or eleven you have these little crushes in school And once you heard that song in your song, yeah, you know that that little easily And all that shit, yeah, you were crazy you wanted to give the you would buy the 45 and shitting up the dance Bring it to the dance and your little shirt on and slip That was like telling the chick I want to hook up with not hook up when you're at that age

We're like hold hands and I'll walk you to get a slice of cheese pizza We bring her the song you thought about well, like, you know, that's a brilliant move. Well, that's the 70s That's match calm before the match calm. That's how you talk to a girl when you were at that age Why did you approach a girl when you were shy too? I didn't and that and I always I had the same thing I'd always have a song would make me think about a girl that I was in love with yeah We never talked to me one So you would buy the single and give it to high school or make a mixtape

Or make a mixtape and give her what you felt and the bath fucking embarrassing a shit to be a kid I still remember being in the sixth grade and my friends making me ask this girl Davies Rodriguez out. I Still remember the words the conversation like what I was gonna take it to the There was this vending machine next to this hotel where they had crack hookers before crack Like they just had dirty hookers and there was a vending machine You have to be a big shot to go to the vending machine. Yeah, like that was out of school territory Exactly they used to be like those crossing guards with the orange on yeah They had like orange and there was like two regular patrolman one and there was a lieutenant in our neighborhood

It was very negligent. He was retarded got restless though. He's dead now. He got hit something happened Oh, but we were kids. He jumped off his balcony and landed on rhubarb and it went through his neck So we used to call him swivel neck. It was fucking terrible and years later, but he became a fireman But he was always a geek one of those dudes that took it seriously He would like steak out by the hotel with leaves on his head. Come here you and we have to run from video negligence shit So you're talking about charity Yeah, we're talking about charities in general. How I just got really turned off. Uh, I Always when I was a kid I used to

Every year I think when I first Move to Jersey, which I was 10. I Somebody turned me on to this because of a t-shirt. I like the t-shirt. Mm-hmm. It was the American Heart Association Yep, and you would go and you would jump a thon or something No, no, no, you would you would go sign people up and then pledge a nickel a mile And you would have to go to Hudson County Park on May 5th and walk miles and for any For every mile you walked. You got a fucking nickel. So if you walk 10 miles, you got 50 cents, right? And if you got a certain amount, you got like a t-shirt or whatever

So I went for the fucking t-shirt. I went low and I'm at my dad that I didn't give a fuck about giving up the money I even gave me extra. I think my mom told him give me an extra 20, you know, I was always raised To be a charitable person. I'm not gonna lie to anybody I was one of those suckers who sent money to the black dude with the flies from Sally Struthers Oh, yeah, I just that visual always fucker And then I was always a type of guy, you know, I know it's like to be down and out Yeah, to be busted and from time to time a 20 or same a person's life 100% first few met Steve Simone if you handle this at 20 we'd jump up and down for 10 fucking minutes

That was a That was two sandwiches from pink dot. It's the biggest difference There is that rose feet sandwich from pink dot you turned me on the meatball sub not bad I had a couple fucking sandwiches in there and I pretty solid They did so, you know what charity is about and stuff like that and then I was living in Seattle. I Was on probation and I was a comic. I was a striving comic and one day a friend of mine turned me on to this fundraising stuff Hmm and they give you a pamphlet you go in there and they have police benevolent association. Okay, and I went in there and I caught on it's a hustle, you know, how you doing? Good morning, mr. Lisa

Joey D is here for the police benevolent association. What the fuck do you want now? I'm not calling you from the police. I'm out of an association Did you know that leave when they call you? That's not the police been over the social system guy. That's a subcontract. It's the worst. It's the worst, okay? So right off the bat Mr.. Siam, I see that you have the church where what's happening there what we do is this We have a consumer guy that goes out to 2.4 million people in the north Hollywood

Studio City Ventura Boulevard area Even Sherman Oaks it comes out on a monthly level. It gets released in the three weeks. It's beautiful. It's 8 by 10 Black and white will send you a copy also Okay, so what do you want from me? Well, here's the fucking deal Quarter page is 300 a half a page is 600, you know, and it just goes on and on Well, let me talk to my business partner and then three days later. You got another call. Are you doing Lisa and Pete Balzano from fucking Pba. Are you interested not only something else Lee? We forget to tell you that we're gonna give you a sticker

For you to put on your door if there's ever a problem when the cops come over there They see that sticker don't notice that you supported our association and we're gonna send your next one for your car Every once in a while. We all get fucking a little heavy-footed. Okay? we'll send you a sticker you put in your back window and And there you are Joe Schmoe when you go, okay, give me the F for 300 Okay, give me your address is it six or because we get printed ads people already tell you everything about Lisa at and he goes It's 6400 benevolent association. Yes, it is. We'll send somebody over there pick up a check on fucking Friday So you have to wait for Friday

It's a five o'clock to all your checks to come in and they add them up and they give you 30% of the take Unbelievable. All right, so I never knew about this. I thought that you know, whatever And one day the guys like you don't work for no police but I'm an association you work for us. We fucking push That shit fundraising in the front and we push something else in the back Windows or something like that the day that you Responded to my message and said oh, yeah, let's meet I had an interview at a good They they called it like a democratic fundraising place and it was a huge office at Wilson Boulevard Which is not in not inexpensive and they said it ran all day like that. I didn't I didn't go

Like because you thankfully message me back But it was like that how much money do you think they're spending on office space? Yeah, it's the scam on top of the scam because you have those subcontractors that call on behalf of Dave lists of charities So they get let's say no, I heard the police But never an association Doesn't even know that these things are Okay, because now when you call these people back, there's people like Lee sciat that I can convince But there's people like Steve Simone. I go by the way, I call because what those say is there number I can call you back

Yeah, and it's just a general number, right and when they answer they go police You follow me so it's general but people like Lee sciat go on Yelp You know, he has a business. He wants to make it work. I need to fucking pay an ad this shit This is shakedown, but I'll do it. It's not even a police shakedown It's just three fucking idiots like us because they get 30% of whatever they fundraise so they want to get the most money Take they don't even give that Years later. I bumped into that brother and he right here in sunset the brother pulled over. He goes. Do you remember me? I'm like, oh shit

And we started talking and he goes. Yeah, you were gonna come back. I go man I moved down here things started happening, you know, he goes. Yeah, they were gonna give you and me an office They really did this guy was a good dude to me. He was a really good dude to me He taught me a lot about that shit and years later. He was like taking like I was He found out years later that let's say they get $10,000 a week They would give five dollars. Oh my god To some cop thing and they had nine different scams going at once police for them in an association vest association

You know the cops teeth association the canine association the mountain rescue police division The med division you would be calling all day from different divisions and even you would go what the fuck So at the end of the week if I got a thousand bucks and adds they give me 300 bucks So who's making money? I mean, I just didn't get it anymore and all these three guys that ran this office You should have seen their cars. You should have seen how they dressed rich. They were filthy rich So that always gave me a bad taste So like when there was the earthquake in the Philippines, I gave a Filipino friend of my 500 that you know Sounded at the family. It's just something about the whole game that always gave me a bad taste

Why Cliff John robbed his own charity? It's terrible. You know, they accuse people every couple years well, I haven't been like I've been small doing anything on there, but nothing really that big but what I have been able to do is donate clothing Yeah, and I looked and you really have to be careful where you donate clothing like stuff like Goodwill Makes like multi-million dollar profits off of this stuff because they're both opening so there's CEOs making like a million dollars a year And they have no They don't have to pay for an inventory because they're getting it all donated So it's like you I had to look and like I had to ask people like where do you go donate clothes?

They're actually going and helping people. I got a spot. Okay. Where did you go? There's a there's a kid that works the door at the comedy store now who's a Veteran and there's a homeless shelter. There's a homeless outreach for people that have served our country Right in Hollywood. So I brought four bags of clothes down to the comedy store. He took them straight there He said he put the stuff out Monday night after the open mic at the comedy store was gone by Tuesday morning. Yeah, I'll give you some stuff Yeah, before we move because then you yeah, you know directly who who it's going to and it's people that need it You know, you take I'm sorry legal. Oh, no, it's just it's um

And Joe, I mean you were a criminal for most for a large portion of your life. I Just don't understand how How people are able to turn off that part of their mind where they don't feel bad about that. Mm-hmm It just it's it's called loopholes in the law They can't even get really sued in the way because they could show at some point that they have donated to that thing They call him the force brief that pretenses. It's a thin line It's a thin line. You know I'm saying unless that consumer tapes that phone call. Yeah, well, he initiates the contact Well, they say yeah, we did raise this money, but we have expenses

We have to pay for this we have to pay for that we have to pay so we take our expense We're a non-profit but bubba bubba bubba bubba, and that's what's always bothered me. Yeah, dad If I donate 1699 to the ASPCA those dogs are really gonna get three fucking dollars a month All right, three dollars for a bag of it don't last that means you're gonna kill the dog in two fucking days Yeah, I just never understood that you've taken it to a different approach And I've been watching it, you know, I can't get blood dog. You know, I just had no surgery. They missed a vein One two Three and then the fourth time they got it Steve

My underwear were fucking drenched. Wow with just sweat body sweat like my body just goes into fucking shock and For you I do anything, you know It's just funny how you've made this fucking thing grown and I've had eight or nine people Talk to me about this. How did it start? What was the brainchild of this? What happened? Uh, what's it called first of all, it's called regular hero regular hero at that work and it was kind of like Divine intervention how I found these guys Because I went down to Children's Hospital a year ago for a blood drive And I always wanted to help, you know what I mean? You did since you want to help so I went all right

I'll go down for a blood drive and I met a guy down there named Raul that works in the blood bank and the guy great guy In two days later, he calls me up. He'd seen some of my videos on YouTube And he goes, I had no idea I was talking to these Steve Simone when you came down for the blood drive He's breaking my balls. He was like in all honesty. You're funny. I Think you could make some of these kids smile He goes, that's why I do what I do. I just want to make them smile I was like, all right, he goes you want to come visit some of these sick kids

I said absolutely goes all right go to the toy store and meet me at that I'll come down right now so I went down the Children's Hospital went on a tour and He was like the reason why I'm doing this he goes I want you to make the kids smile, but he goes it's also important that you see where your blood goes He goes, you're gonna do a blood drive for us. It's important that these kids get this it changes their life So I show up at the hospital got my toys and then he told me If you're gonna cry

Cry down here. He goes you what you can't do is not cry in front of these kids So he goes I brought up guys that were football players MMA fighters boxers. He goes. I've seen hard guys Lose it in front of the kids. He goes. So if you're gonna do it get it out of your system So I went there and first kid I met was a little four-year-old kid that was getting a bone marrow transplant. It's tough so Long story short I go on the rest of the tour Me and that little guy for whatever reason we clicked his mom called my buddy Raul two days later, and he said little Steven keeps on asking for that comedian guy and

Is there any way he could come but you know the kids not laugh and he's not smiling can he come by and I did and I got close to the family and I would go visit the kid four or five days a week started to get more involved down at the hospital met another kid who Was a teenager who had cancer? at another blood drive and Turned out that his his mom had just his mom would just be cancer and But they lived so far away. They couldn't afford to come visit the kid. They couldn't afford the gas

So the children's hospital takes him for free. I don't know how it works. Right. I don't know. I just see the ads Yeah, I don't know how it works. There's a brilliant people down there that do a great job I got I found out what they need I go, okay They need blood I'll help them with the blood by doing that I started to meet some of the families that were falling through the cracks the families They didn't have money to go visit their kids. They didn't have money One family was gonna be homeless. There was another family. They needed a wheelchair. So I started to go. All right. Well at Christmas I knew I wanted to help out as many people as I could

Bill Bar got behind it. We raised like $15,000 in two days. We got a truckload of toys donated We handed out toys to all the families. We made sure the one family wasn't gonna be homeless We took care of the other kid and it feels good. So I Met this guy named John McNichol at regular hero and he goes what we do is We just want to empower people like yourself To keep on doing this change in the world one person at a time like you don't have to save everybody But what can you do?

To just create smiles to get out there and make it better and he was like You could pay for the attorney you could get the accountants because it takes a lot of money to start your own nonprofit And he was or you could Come under our wing more or less will help you raise money and you can continue to do what you do And that's what I've been doing So we know every dollar that we raise we know exactly it goes directly to these kids that goes directly to their families How's the family qualified? Everybody like this is the greatest thing about regular hero Brett Ernst

Was stopped in at a I don't know if I should say this He just literally saw a woman crying and was like felt compelled that he had to go talk to her It turns out her husband just passed away and she couldn't afford to get her car fixed So we found out about it got a mechanic to go over there and fix her car like it's just it's very grass roots I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's just everybody that's been put in my path. I go, okay This is the person I guess I'm supposed to help and that's what I'm doing personal regular hero does all kinds of other stuff They go to kids in these like prison boot camps and teach them art. They go to homeless shelters downtown I told them about the homeless veteran shelter. They're like, okay. What do they need toiletries socks? We'll go get it

they're going to they're going to That clean water in Central America. They're doing all kinds of amazing things I'm just happy to be a very very small part of it And I'm just helping soon as I find out somebody needs help I just try to help him like Gabriel Glacius is going to do a fundraiser for us in August He's got a heart of gold that guy and there's a comedian. I don't know if you know Luis Rivera Poor kid was born with cerebral palsy. He's in his wheelchair. Then he gets hit by a drunk driver

I'm not making this up for the last year. He's been trying to get a wheelchair So I know when we raised the money with the Gabriel show I'm taking money right off the top and I'm getting Luis's new wheelchair I know exactly where it's going to and that's it Probably you stay Simone. You're a good fucking Catholic. I'm just a real deal. You know what I'm saying Yeah, I don't know it's very uncomfortable to talk about because so many no and I do stuff like That's what I love about you That's why I love about you, you know, like a Jehovah Witness knocking on fucking people's doors

Spreading the goodness you're doing you keep it to yourself. You mind your business I've just heard it from a few people you called me the one time I was out of town Yeah, hopefully the next one I could do it for you. That would be amazing and No, I love you Steve Simone. I love that you're doing this You know, like I said on the way here this morning. I was talking about the growth That we've been here together. I bring a lot of comics on here that I've seen Out here for years at one point you start believing in them and they believe in you Yeah, you're a connection at some point, you know, I'm saying so it's a

It's really nice that these are the things that you're doing for an outlet, you know, we all have different outlets. Yes They don't have to discuss just to show people you're a nice guy You know, you helped monks in Southeast Asia. Now you're cool. You donate every month, you know There's always people that try to outdonate you What's up with you, Dr. Lee everything all right over there? I'm doing great, man You are doing good. You're gonna play some fucking Tony Bennett's Monday. Absolutely Here we go, I think the LS play now letting you play Give me two seconds. We are having

technical difficulties Please hold on There was a time when the TV would do that shit to you and then the clock would turn. Oh, yeah Remember there was a time we were really hated it This is the worst now. It's like direct TV the fucking current Oh, we're so blessed right now. It's so easy to live now It's the but you didn't get those interruptions unless the world was gonna end you were getting bombed by China

So or you remember when the president would come on TV and talk and was on every channel you're like, oh The thing that kills me the most is when you go to New York There's still places that you walk to on the upper west side and although why should I say and you can still see the Bomb shelter side and you I always wondered That that's why I always when I was a kid. I couldn't wait for a bomb to hit So I can move to the shelter and never come out like I'm a bunk down there. Go ahead and we hit The fuck Lee you're sitting there. There you go I

Want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart I Somebody Will sweat so next Saturday Myself and Steve Simone scudu the first of all why Steve Simone's here I want to give a shout out to the main man right now talking land

And his little young son. He's probably sitting there in 119 fucking heat He can't turn on the air conditioner because it sets him back 42 every three fucking hours He always every every time you talk to talking way you should move to Vegas. Yeah, right So I can fucking die of heat over the blazing blazing people can't even jump in their pools Because the pool is 90 fucking degree. Oh, I jump in your own fucking pool. You're done You're done. That's fucked up. Yeah, Vegas is beautiful. It's nice Yeah, that three months is fucking brutal you getting in your car walking anywhere you go You know 116 on a fucking daily, you know one time is just fucking like one time is like tomorrow like nothing

And you get to adjust to live like that. It's fucking insane And he's trying to fucking say we're gonna get hit by a bomb and the earth quake listen when the big man presses that button We're all going down anyway, so who gives a Frenchman's fucked Put a big shout out to my brother talking land his young son and stuff like that AJ AJ. Thank you Look at my buddies. Look at Lee's fucking Wikipedia all of a sudden. So is this your first time in Oklahoma? I did a show for the military there once years ago. Yeah, it's my first time to this part of Oklahoma Yeah, I already went there and I already said he loved it that the girl was great The girl's really into comedy, you know, that's a court McCown's from Oklahoma and he told me it's a great gig

Yeah, but it's a great gig that they treat you like a king and I'm excited. I love all that shit, man. I'm loving comedy again guys. That's great This this time is it, you know, I'm saying yes, you ever have that and I need that for this like I'm kind of sick of it Right now. Yeah, I'm getting I'm not getting those spots with fresh crowds. I'm going up late at the store after they've seen ten murderers I can't do the type of stuff. I want to do I'm just looking for I gotta tell you something Steve Simone That sometimes is a gift in itself Oh, it makes you so much better that when you in the back of your mind to sit back there going, you know what? I'm losing three minutes right off the bat

Because I know they already heard a joke about this and I know they already heard a joke about that And I know they already had a joke about this. I'm taking that shit out of my fucking obituary and I'm gonna go up there at one Eighteen in the fucking morning to 60 people. Yep, that could be rocked Yep, but those motherfuckers you got to dig deep in your soul Throw your material away. Absolutely and just go at them. I'm really good at those people Only at the store if I'm down there some night It's one and they're like you only go up and there's 32 people I would go up just to try that still Yep, I got really really good at that at one time. Oh, that's when I fell in love with you

I was like, oh, you're the funniest person in the world Sometimes those 1245 spots they make you a different type of comic, which means that you go up there and you know That before your hand touches that microphone It's 99 percent what's coming out of your mouth. You're coming out with a vengeance That's all that's gonna wake him up for the last 30 minutes. Everybody in that room wants to get up They want to get up. Yes, you know what they're thinking about it. This might be interesting Yep, and then at that point they see this guy going up and they said themselves this guy might be interesting And all of a sudden you go up there and whip him up out of the fucking coma

When you go up that stays late, there's no stopping. There's only one problem. There's nowhere else you go to a spot It's 140 in the fucking morning you're doing for the night, but you have no idea how strong you get But at the same time it brings you down to wait the people who could do those spots in those days I would because I Was up to the get coke anyway. They did me a favor. Let me make 15 bucks So I'm up here anywhere to spend 20. Yeah a bag of fucking powder So if you had a really good set in your mind You'd like to go do three more sets like it just ride the way

Oh, please Saturday night I went to the fucking storm main room and leveled them and then I went to the ice house And they had a big bag of fucking dicks. Isn't that weird about comedy? We're weird Friday night at night set at the ice house great time I got to try some new jokes and different angles Same fucking deal man. Listen. You just go up there. You got to catch an energy. I agree with that You got to catch a wave most important. You got to be loose. That's why when you shoot a special You shoot two shows because the first one's gonna roll the dice But you're gonna get some footage from it

Yes, they could use something from it a view or look up up a peep a poop a poop You're gonna forget some by the time the second one comes that audience is fired up and you're fired up And once those two energies collapse, you know crash together It flows and you get your breathing going and you're doing your stepping and your high doing bomb boom It all comes together. You're not thinking anymore. Sadly early at the store. I Just got in the foot by the time the foot went on the stage. I had I don't even know what I said up front Can't even fucking tell you if I wanted to but Sometimes it's just your energy. I learned something at the company store

I learned how to use my energy. That's everything. I got to the point where it didn't matter what came out of my mouth Didn't really matter we came out of my fucking mouth. I machine gunned them for nine minutes Yep, and at that point they were fucking dying. They were going back to fucking tables You know, I'd be dancing singing in those days science science into that. I didn't give a fuck jack It's 1245. I just follow Paul Mooney. They've heard everything everything and you know what is Paul Mooney's walking off Not even giving you an intro In those days and 60 people getting up in this 13 left, you know, how bad you feel about yourself Lisa Yeah, but guess what?

The show must go on cock suckers And that's the beauty of comedy and that's the lesson you get down there There's times I burn out down there. It's tough. It's a tough Yeah, cuz I've been getting those spots where they're still there physically. They're just not there They're not checked in mentally anymore. It's like as soon as you go 90 minutes into that first I also want you to remember something. I'm sorry to interrupt. Yeah, I don't want that to get into your head also right because There is a time lapse at the store that nobody has except those clubs in New York

There are people that go see Argus and Mm-hmm Sarah Tiana early and somebody else. Yep, and they do go in there from 9 to 10 30 Yep, they get two and a half drinks two drinks in the shot and guess what they're gonna walk down to the rock See whatever the fuck is down the corner. I don't even know if the rocks is down the corner. I'm just saying right guys and then there's people who went to dinner and Jesus the coffee's keeping me up. What do you want to do? I don't know. Let's go to college Yes comedians there and now they're walking in that motherfucker at 10 45 Yes, and they'll stay for an hour and 15 at midnight and then guess who comes in at midnight the staff

Yep from the hotels the bars the whole that's why the OR is Matt That's why it's why every spot at the OR is different because the vibe vibe is different and then yes There's some people who are fucking Uh, what do you call those people not foreigners, but tourists tourists they're gonna go to a hotel room They're from fucking New York Yep, they're gonna go to a hotel room and do what watch TV. They can do that in fucking New York They're gonna stay out night and they'll go down there and go guess what that dude that did what a second There's a dude from Philly on let's wait for the dude from Philly

Yep, and they'll wait fucking five hours and clap and yell And there's just two of them yep, they're the only ones that are getting your joke talking about the bread I'm from South Philly and also they get a while. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy night So you don't even do material it's the best That's the surprise effect of anything at the store from 12 o'clock to two you really know what defense They're gonna throw at you. You might have a plan, but that plan is Going out absolutely. It's going out the window. That's why you like it the OR you can't work on a Set in the OR if you go up there with a game plan it ain't gonna work

You have to connect to that room and create in that moment every time. It's a really weird room It's a really excellent room to come up. There's a lot of rooms like that that There's a certain freedom in the air as you go up there and do state time It's just great to see the growth that you hung in there and the people who you came up with some of them are gone already Yeah, and you're still here and it's weird because Dice just did Coney Island Saturday. That's great You know and the pictures look like he sold it out 5,000 seats. God bless him But he called in the odd day and then I went home and I still think us three in Vegas

It had to be 2001 2001 you know why because I remember he had a special jacket made up He had a red white and blue leather jacket made up and I went with them Well, he was telling the guy what he wanted that was 15 years ago ladies and gentlemen What the fuck were you doing 15 years ago? Me and Steve Simone were in Vegas with Jim Norton and Bobby Lee Eating cold cuts from the fucking green room. Yeah, like it was like papillon

Like it was the first time we ever saw cold cuts in our life When I walked into that green room and saw those cold cuts and that white bread and the mayonnaise and the pickles And the onions you ate everything lean, you understand me You didn't leave the hotel room and they used to give you a hundred a night different food See you call the room service or get a bag of booze I'd order that I got the room service and then I'd get a bottle of booze and take it home That's great. What are you gonna do? You give the guy likes a 10 buck tip

So for 20 you get a fucking tremendous bottle of booze. It's so great. I'm the fucking arm. That's how far back I can't believe it's been 15 years You kept saying I'm gonna go back. This is terrible. Yeah, I hated it I was taking acting classes when I was when I was tight with you back then I was into the acting classes And I would go in there and fuck them up They must have never seen anything like that. Well, the problem was I was at the store Yep

So here I am this cage down at the store and I'm going down and they're doing these scenes And then they made you watch the movie and write down the words Okay, and then you had to do that scene in front of everybody up in the fucking classroom and In the back of your mind, you had to do it as close as you could to The actor in that movie. That's what you thought. Yeah, and then you go in there and he'd go. No, no, no, no, no That's not what I want. I still remember the first scene that motherfucker gave me. What was it?

He gave me when Sean Penn visits a gangster Carlitos way. Look at these hands the first fucking scene I ever got in acting class Was that scene? Wow, you must have blew the doors off. They must have been like what? It was like stealing like it was like Everybody got excited about it. I just thought I was like plagiarism Yeah, like there was nothing I could add to that scene except change it completely around Keep the words but change how I did it. You see these hands You see these hands

Both of these hands. I'm gonna wrap these around your neck And then I'm gonna throw you in that river when you walked in here. You saw that river That's where you're gonna live and I'm gonna take your eyeballs out the eels and the fishing I'm living your fucking skull That's what he was saying to him. Yeah, snap your neck like a bread. Yeah, there's already there's already a whole dug The guys are ready to go. You're ready to go. We want the money you took from us They wanted to play that and that's how I played it. I'll never forget the guy pulling me over them going I gotta tell you something. I give that scene to somebody once a month And I got a really cute one for an hour

You came in here and you did exactly what I wanted you to do That's when I found out what they were talking about about acting. I had no fucking idea I had no idea that you know, they gave you a scene for a tom cruising movie I just watched the tom cruising movie one and then did what tom cruised it right Instead of making it your own. Yeah, and then when that was the fucking scene the or that was the scene And then you know the second scene he gave me That that's the scene that taught me a lot that movie taught me a lot about acting A lot as far as

Acting teachers were concerned because I started with frank magna. He covered that movie Then I went on to The people who had the black chick that won the oscar and the white chick that won the oscar the tall chick from the italian job Charlie stone. Yeah, both won oscars and moved to black chick holly berry They both went this was their acting coach That her class is thursdays at eight. It was called a master class I never made it to the master class. I went into the intermediate class So the intermediate class the first the second scene he gave me

Which was a great scene. He gave me a fucking couple good scenes man to learn He gave me something with matthew braderich one time That blew my fucking mind. Oh The one with him and malin brando fresh, but he made me play Broader braderich. That's great. Like this guy was great And then like he when we first met he let me get comfortable with comedy And then he goes listen everybody's gonna hire you for a comedy and you got this down already Let me get teach you drama. So for the next six months. I just did dramas with

But the one of the best scenes I had a breakdown. I wasn't good at it because the guy was too good to even Turn around it's like one of those songs that they cover and you go you're supposed to do that the old geezer from The movie with the four kids that go to prison Sleepers sleepers. That's the best Best scene when the eyeballs and the fucking dustin hoffman He's got like fives. Oh when he goes to see the black dude And talks to him about the fucking clothing and the hitman and the cops

That that scene also it's it's really weird. I've always thought about going back to acting class once a week The only problem we don't do when that is It's not practical anymore I don't go out on that many auditions. That's exactly what I did. It's too 250 a month ladies and gentlemen It's 250 a fucking month to go one night a week You know these print these things like when you come out here and you're 23 and you're wide eyed and bushy tail Let me tell you something as long as be your bushy tail You might as well. Uh, fucking Vaseline asshole

Because they milk you for everything for fucking everything you have Pictures used to cost just between pictures and the fucking head shots and the fucking Oh, well, my friend has a friend that's a makeup and they'll do makeup for free for 150 fucking dollars What are you saying? You just said three for so I gotta pay 150 to the makeup and 150 to fucking you forget it You know, they milk you to death lee and then they get you involved in these acting programs at lee seminars lee They fucking destroy you What about that uh acting coach who is selling auditions for his show that he was also the casting director for I don't even know what it is. I can look it up. I happen like a few months ago. He's selling auditions. He did. Yeah

I don't know No, I don't want to go to his class. No, that's the kiss of death. I had the line your resume selling auditions That's what they do. That's what they fucking do, man They did when fucking people listen, they wanted when I got here they wanted 40 bucks to be an extra And you had to pay gonna charge you 40 to be an extra and you had to pay up front and they paid you like they would tell you Listen, we're gonna get you 15 days of the titanic. I hundred of that Just pay the 40 you could be in Mexico tomorrow morning working on titanic They didn't tell you how to go down there and wait online and starved

And you had to wait in rosarita and fucking wait under the sun and shit They only put tents up for the uh, the people who are working the film. It's awful. How it's awful. Nobody fucking knew Nobody fucking knew what was going on. It's a hundred degrees down there. You know, the other caprios on the ship next to the ship With fucking slaves and people sucked on his dick and shining his toenails and shit And everybody else is under a fucking tent and I'll never forget this that that I hadn't met a casting director in seattle Who had always helped me out and gave me not low budget movies, but in those days that were called You know, it was like 18 t and I would have to move boxes in the background Yeah, like an extra with an extra corporate or whatever

And I'll never forget that she moved down here And she became a talent coordinator like which meant extras and I called around and I said talk to me And she goes here's the deal you come down here. You do this paperwork. They put you in a fucking tent Then they put you another tent Okay And then they see what your type is they close you up And they put you in these scenes he goes It is brutal down here. You know what I'm saying? Like it's brutal

Since there's so many people to feed and the shit The food is kind of funky. I mean it just went on and on and on and on And I just wanted to see what it was like. Yep But she was like I could get you in a tank and I go, but what would be the options like, you know in the back of your mind Ladies and gentlemen, when you come here, they tell you to be an extra and then hopefully the director will like you I'm right in to the fucking script. Well, that's Hey That's you know, you got better chance going down seeing joda hindu and got a lottery ticket

Then fucking coming out here and doing that fucking route So That was the sketch. That was the sale. That was the pitch You know go down there do this and that and maybe they'll fucking give you a job But it's still 40 hours a day. They put you in a fucking cage Yeah, you remember work on this. You worked on a fucking set. You've seen what extras go through It's not fucking pretty. It's not they get those people in studio audience. Oh Oh

You have no fucking ideally like when you went to those game show audiences You sit in the section where you're real, right? You're a tourist. They put you up on top whatever They have those people or extras. Yeah, they get paid to be there Yeah, so like the day they have to sit in clap all day and what this is saying the hollywood reporter did a uh Like an investigation. They said like people like this one guy did you paid $1,500 for two of those workshops you did in hopes of getting a thousand dollar uh co-star So it's like I can't find the one we talked about it was like six or seven months ago when one particular one came out I can't find it but the hollywood reporter did a whole thing on it. It's just uh

People are there's a law that makes it illegal, but they're still doing it. Listen Here's the fucking basis and let me tell you how this works. Okay And let me tell you how this works and it's nice and fucking easy. Okay So you're going to an acting class You could be going to any acting class in hollywood ladies and gentlemen So if you decide to move out here, listen up. So you sign up Yeah, I go you go to steve's some own acting school Steve has had roles and manics

And on the family and stand any show that hasn't been on tv Steve steve like he'll fucking hunt the resumes down and make sure none of those shows Are on fucking we tv on channel 20 or channel 3 in new york nothing All those credits you see lee or shows you've never even heard of and lead He takes a picture with a nice headshot and it's guess what it's 2016 He could take a picture with fucking joe rogan and go here's us on the set of fear factor And no joe knows and don't about it. Nobody fucking knows about it. That's how easy your life goes on. Okay They make up these false resumes now. There's people who do it correctly

Who am I talking about? Okay. There's people who do it correctly here They go into a fucking office and they teach eight kids and they charge you 200 a month But then guess what happens ladies and gentlemen every month they come to you and they go can I have your attention, please? This week we have but here's the reality of it ladies and gentlemen Let's pretend you live anywhere else except los angeles Okay, i'm talking about this excludes chicago

new york And whatever the hot market is right now Every fucking metropolitan city runs a fucking ad from jackson villon to georgia to houston texas Hollywood agents coming to your town. Yeah, bring your children down To meet a hollywood agent. Yeah Your fucking kid claps backwards his ear wiggles He's got an eyeball that hesitates

He's a half a momo in real life But you don't see it because you're his fucking parent, you know, he could sing he could tap dance He could play the piano You've coached them to sing songs Because you song you sang in the choir at harvard You have no fucking ideally and they take them down in and the people are like the fucking Creepiest people from agencies in LA Like just the creepiest agents

And they go down that way and they look at your kid Lee as ugly as he is and they go, you know what? I don't cast in the right thoughts looking for your child right now No, really that's his treat I think it's a denier all movies and not there. Yes, it is. Oh my god. What do we need to do? Okay, you need to get headshots Yeah, okay, you need to get headshots and then we need to get them To take another workshop Well, won't the movie be done by that? No, no, no, no, no I'm gonna send him a tape. How can we do this steve some more?

Let's get him the headshots today Listen talk to the photographer outside take the headshots and tell them to push you back to the front of the line and come See me after you set the appointment or when that poor family goes out there Those headshots are 600 hours or 395 Then you come back with this special thing and they go well Listen, how can we put them? How can we put them in the denier? I'm moving. We need to basically train We're coming back here three weeks from saturday And we're gonna do a fucking workshop

Yeah, steve here. Simone has been in a thousand films. What films have you been on? Have you ever seen a blue apron with fucking with the Johnny bananas? Oh, you did look familiar. Yeah, i'm the fireman. Oh my god Now listen so bad remember a fireman in a movie to somebody in a small town Is a big fucking deal That's what they want for their channel for their child to be seen and now they're special. Yeah, they pimp people's dreams They're tough dream pimps. It's terrible. I knew I knew listen. I knew a guy from here An agency that isn't together no more

I used to sell this guy half pound a week every fucking week And what he would do is on the weekends he'd go to different towns. He'd tell me he goes I travel morning you my friend And I go, what are you really doing? He goes, I cast people in movies. Yeah Monday through thursday, but that's not where my money is He goes when I get when I get your thousand dollar cost start I get a hundred bucks. How far you think that goes? That's my fucking shoe polish for the month. Yeah He goes so I do workshops

I travel to these cities. I lie to these parents I use a local photographer his fees 80 bucks We jack it up to 320 and we give him 150 and we keep fucking 170 And then we take the kids and then we put them through workshops And workshops and workshops and they keep coming back and it's like a fucking pariah on your fucking children That's why I don't like it. I don't like it when you I don't like it. I've seen kids march into a fucking lot. I've seen kids walk down here

You know get that fucking acting book from charles dickens. What's the name of the fucking place of samuel france? Samuel france you're walking the fucking samuel france. You walk to the back and there's a guide agents You take that fucking agents book Never mind the goddamn manager you take that fucking agents book if you're looking for your kid to do anything You take that fucking agents book you go back to your hotel. You got a yellow pad. You got a fucking magic marker You get head shots. You get resumes, you know The school play He met fucking willy maze one time at a wendy's

He smiles. He tap dances. He loves to dance. He's energetic You know, he whatever the fucking your kid did you put them down below and what you do is you take that And this is old school. You can buy this online now Like that they used to publish just every you're absolutely every 90 days Lee they made this and you bought it for 10 99 a month And it was the same bullshit They said they would contact the agents and they would tell you okay. I have a child that wants to be an actor So they would have children actors five to six

Eight to ten and you'd have to get all those agents and lick those envelopes and send them and they'd tell you keep fucking Send them keep sending them keep sending them drop them off. It was brutal You know, you you moved your kids out of here. I just don't like it People told me to sign mercy up over there. Yeah, but they even sent me an application from aqua town I just I just can't I know now. No, no, I don't want to do this. That's not good I don't even want her in that environment. I don't yet. No, no. It's a fantasy fucking world for a child That's my Opinion that I don't and I know I had a bad childhood, but I'm telling you that this is worse. Yeah

This scar is worse. I've seen I've seen the kids how they looked It's so sad. It's not good guys and everyone always says oh, you have a cute baby It should be a model but like it's not really an option for everyone usually It's like a like that's a crazy thing that parents have to like That's a discussion you probably have to have before you get married now Like do you want the kids to be an actor like like that? Like that's what you fucking know before you fucking marry them You know, what kind of person more on your marriage? Yeah I mean, it doesn't take a lot if the guy's a frustrated fucking band guy

You know, you marry a guy and every day he droops Oh, my life has changed as I fucking quit the band You know, and he wasn't going nowhere with the fucking band. Okay, but your wife wants a husband now Whatever the fuck it is, you know, I mean, what what what we told him We're talking about the kid actors the kid actors. No, no, no, we were talking about the Just generalities like that, you know that you want your child to be something I don't know what I want my child to be let them be whoever they want. I really don't I really don't I don't have an idea I want her to fucking figure it out on her own. Yeah, but if she comes to me

with basketball Or martial arts or something I'll help her as much as I can But she's got a coach for that And I have to respect that line and I can't Challenge the fucking coaches, you know what I'm saying? It just gets to a point where Uh, sometimes a parent shouldn't interfere, but you should know at what level before you go in Listen Let's pretend I stopped doing comedy today

You think when mercy takes as 12, I'm gonna have it down at the lap. I have three coaching Is that where you think Lisa yet? Not you You know what it is. I think what you're Talking about is sad parents trying to make themselves feel better by living through their kids Trying trying to get their kids. There's people out there That want their kids to do something so that the parents can brag about it so they can feel better Well, no, maybe it's something you were frustrated by doing. Yeah, it's like it was always my dream

So when she suggested she wanted to be an actress, I told her to go for it Like that type of stuff, you know what I'm saying like making a more card and saying I I did a bunch of I saw it from a different perspective. I did it with films. I did a bunch of films with children and I fucking was scared to the things I learned But then again, you see joe jackson you think michael jackson's good because He wanted to sing and dance and play with kids, you know from the age of five

He wanted to be in the jackson five And they made him fucking rehearse every day from three to fucking nine And when they weren't rehearsing they were carrying fucking bricks back and forth in the yard You know I'm saying like it was a rough life for the jacksons michael jackson earned every fucking dollar he had Because he caught weapons jack. That's you know, they got beat up. They got beat the fuck up It'd be crazy to have a kid be the the breadwinner for a family. Oh, it's crazy to I still think it's crazy. I look at my daughter at this point in my life at my fucking age

And I can't see myself Looking at her and going I want her to be a stand-up comic and at the age of six I'm gonna have her at some contest doing fucking jokes on tv terrible some love tonight Transparent traitor x my girl oaky spooky is getting close to our encounter in austin with the rest of the fucking texas family Including lee boom boom. Where's the envelope? Listen, I'm gonna drop him off and when we get when we land to austin he told me already Do you guys do me a favor take my luggage to the hotel and just drop me off at the barbecue place if we get into the 12 I'll wait for two hours and eat then I'll meet you back at the hotel

I'll bring your sauce if you already told me eating you have to wait You don't you don't get any if you don't jeffrey collins my man ross dude is making a comeback He'll be at the fucking uh flappers thursday night my man daniel reyes The other dude young chipotle and my main motherfucker Keith Moreno, are you kidding me? Or what again myself and steve simone this saturday night at the cherry key casino In oklahoma. I don't know what time the show started, but it don't matter rent your fucking room right now We're going deep in the murky waters of the underworld. You understand me. We're gonna tie up fucking

steve simone do an indian ceremony And then make him watch the exorcist backwards in german to really fuck with him It's always nice to do a nice sunday night podcast so tomorrow morning you wake up Hoop doop doop it's fucking august 1st You know what that means that everybody's the fucking same thing means you got to get up Fucking get in the shower while you're in the shower. Fuck your girlfriend. I don't give a fuck about nothing You're thinking about your month and how you're gonna make it happen and guess what bitch you're five months away from christmas Is it really that close to the end of your four months away from thanksgiving you understand me the party's over

All that shit you were pushing back in your life You got to get to it. You know why I know this because it's happening to me I've been jumping at the home month of july This fucking nose surgery was a blessing in disguise because I got surgery But I got to jump on a lot of shit that I was behind the eight ball whip by fucking yards My writing is back up on the fucking book. I mean I jumped into it That you could really focus I had nowhere to go or you could do a sit outside and fucking bleed out of your nose with stitches So it's just amazing that i'm back up and I got in a fucking rhythm again

But for people right now, you know, you're fucked up all year And now you think oh, well, it's august 1st. I'll glide not bitch get on it It gets tight now in september. What do you think that's what americans go? Oh, shit They're talking about back to school special Once you see back the school specials going on your fucking wallet tightens up. You're like, oh, shit I don't even have kids and shit. I'm gonna have to sharpen that pencil because once it wants Halloween hits it's a non-stop money. It's a non. It's not that it's a non-stop money

You know it gets to a certain age where it's a non-stop momentum. Yeah, you see the momentum you see the advertising dollars You know halloween, you're really seeing a little bit of christmas stuff Walmart's advertising for christmas club never stops layaway All the smart people telling you they're gonna be open christmas day All the smart people start telling you october 30th We're gonna be fucking open and once halloween drops notice this that halloween isn't even over It's 10 30 you stayed up because you got insomnia halloween isn't even over and they're already hitting me the Thanksgiving commercials Yes, true marketing starts

1201 A fucking halloween these years now It was the best because I I worked at cvs for two years. So exactly what you're talking about what happened You know in the middle of the store. They have a seasonal area. Yeah as soon as as like that day They're tearing it down So after christmas it would be like valentine's day right like motherfucker. There's two months away Yeah, they don't give a fuck they're getting you they want you to buy a card They put the cards closer to the chocolate the fake fucking flowers the condoms go around that

So everything's right there in the fucking neighborhood. Nobody gets that feeling say you show up with a box of chocolate and glow in the Dot condoms and shit for the extra ribbed everybody's happy. You know, what the fuck that's what uh valentine's day is all about Extra ribbed, whatever the fuck they call that stuff every time I go you look even though I don't use them I've been married every time I look at those fucking things. I stay away from them. I think that it's just bullshit No, I think it's fucking bullshit And they sell it to americans and they fucking the young kids and listen If you told me that you had a condom that was really fucking saying I'm a nasty motherfucker

Like let's say i'm a nasty motherfucker. I don't I want to play with death I want the thinnest thing you got. You know what i'm saying? I want 99.9 that this motherfucker could pop If I bust a good nut, you know what i'm saying? What the kind that that's how disgusting we are What about the one charlie sheen is wrapping? What do you use that one? I don't know what charlie sheen is doing. He's wrapping a new condom Is he? Yeah, listen, I don't even know what condoms like I said when I was a kid I robbed a box of condoms

Right by my uh bottom of the barrel cross the street next door was a carvel across the street was a Little boat date and I was walking home from the fucking boat and not not a boat date. It was five and dimes This gotta be the summer of 75 dog. I'm maybe 12 It's 11 o'clock in the morning. I'm walking down that fucking street as I walk past the back door The truck driver left everything outside Back door was fucking locked There was lollipops and a bunch of ships and the bonds there was a box of condoms door I tackled that fucking thing. I picked up that box of condoms

And I ran on that fucking hill to fucking 38 street and guess who I was I was like the mac daddy that day And I had him in white or black Listen black condoms I put both of those condoms in my wallet and I can be honest with everybody I never used those fucking things one time those things got thrown away with that wallet And they're fucking somebody there's somewhere like a dinosaur now Did your wall have the imprint of the condom like mine did? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah like an embarrassment I had that same rusty condom that looked like it was rustling already

It looked like you might have an alpha cells remember alpha cells back in the day. They came with this with the wafer Yeah, yeah, plop. Plop. Yeah. Yeah, but they used to come in a powder that you had at home You could that's what it's pop pop fizz fizz. Oh, what a relief it is. Plop. Plop, please The fuck you laughing about Lee Put the commercial on Alpha cells again. Okay plop plop fizz fizz. Oh, what a relief it is. We're fucking taking deal with it too. Obviously But you took the alpha cells that came in a powder Or it came in a tablet form. Yep. And the embryoski also came in a powder. That's what the real italian

That's a real guineas use real guineas get agita Everybody else gets hard work. I haven't heard that word. Listen. I haven't heard that word since i've met the cal Every italian gets hard. Give me agita. Everybody in the country around the world gets hard burn And they use alpha cells Alpha cells will neutralize the acid in your stomach and release. What's the problem with the screen? I didn't know you wanted to watch it better You don't want to watch it Wait, then all this time i was looking for the song go plop plop fizz fizz. What a relief for this case

Why are you bothering me? I'm sorry. I didn't go watch it. Okay, there's what i'm talking about. You see i'm saying Yeah, this was big but anyway, I don't even know what the fuck we got the alpha cells is that's important It was those condoms, right? I took those things down. I was a young kid, man And I was giving to everybody guys were loving me. Oh, you're like the coolest kid ever. Oh, yeah We're gonna score now. It's all fucking over I could swear to god, I never used that rusty fucking condom I took an uphold with me one time

Yeah, because that came to a time you couldn't wait to use it So you took it everywhere with you When gaza was talking to rocky, it was like maybe you should invest in condominiums and he's like, how are you? Hey And now a page from our sunday morning almanac february 21st 1931 79 years ago today The day the market for over-the-counter medications literally bubbled over For that was the day myles laboratories introduced a new And that's a product called alpha cells. That shit's good. It makes it by corporate the lemon lime

Now I got the shit that puts you to sleep Yeah, that's good. Oh shit. It's like drinking that jim jones juice You take that shit home. You put two of those in with a little shot of rock at night when I get coked up I put four of them in a fucking glass Those time those fucking alpha cells for pms. They ain't no fucking joke jack. I will not take those p.m. medications no more The last two times I took those re-em medications. They gave me that shit. They gave me vertigo. Oh, no Fuck you no more for me. Lee. How you feeling my brother? I'm good Everything all right in your world. You got kettle bells this week. Yeah, I got kettle bells. What do you got this weekend?

I have no idea. Who knows? You're a free spirit. You're still a consultant. You're doing a thousand things. Lee's He's got johnny fucking podcasts. I'm proud of the look of him trying mr. Steve Simone has good times Steve Simone that's right. Both of these work together steve's family. No, it's amazing steve. All these goddamn years I want buy so fast. Oh, I talked to these guys about on the podcast a few weeks ago, man You know, you have this college you have this high school shit that goes on in your life And you look back at it and it's fucking worthless. You're like jesus And you have this stupid fucking view of life and

Then you turn 26 and you're working and you're making a little money and you think you got to figure that And then one day you turn 30 fucking five or 36 and you're like Oh, wait a second. Wait a second. This ain't good I just revaluate the situation. This is not where I want to be because it's never where you really want to be Right. It's never where you thought you were going to be or doing what the fuck you want to do I'm not saying that you're on drugs or gambling. I'm just saying that Like you might be making any $8,000 a year, which is a great for the american norm But in your mind you starve it because you like to buy fucking trains

You know I'm saying and spend $800 a month on fucking trains or $18. I'm just using anything. I'm sorry. I'm not saying that So sometimes we don't know how lucky we are For what we're getting for the norm I spoke to a friend of mine because I'm very happy at my job. I've been there fucking whatever I make 68 without overtime And I'm really happy. I listen to that and I'm like, you know what man? I went to school with this guy. It sounds all right And I know he makes over a hundred grand with the overtime. It's great. Fuck it. What are you gonna do? He lives on the east coast. He's single. He puts away money. He buys stocks. What the fuck are you gonna do? You know, yeah

Grateful sounds perfect. Well, yeah, thank you leave for interjecting. It's like It sounds perfect Sounds perfect and shit He's like an English. You ready for another bungley? Oh, I know it. Absolutely. You did like fucking four of them only tonight You did more than four. Yes, you did. I mean, he do stay some on two. Maybe if he was lucky three Maybe there was a Yeah, maybe three plus you have the addables too. Yeah, that's true Yeah, the addables are nothing

They were none. They weren't appetizing thousand milligrams I can't believe we did eight and fucking and I haven't done them Since Wednesday have not touched none of them. Yeah, it's weird though. Like I part I said, I'm almost like 3000 with me this weekend And I think I might need to take a break or something. They didn't do it Well, because I told you that for the last 20 I told you before he went on that fucking trip to the love boat him and fucking the wife he went down after that I was laughing about something because Like my daughter yelled for me and she said something and she goes daddy look

And she goes deep playing the plane and Right away for some reason. I didn't I thought about the love boat But I also thought about two brothers. I grew up with that had a family a few going on And the older one was short And the younger one fucking used to say calling bus That's him No, no, no He used to call him tattoo

And the and he would fucking threaten the younger brother like listen You ever say that outside this house? I'm gonna fuck you up So one night there's a long one of them and I go, you know, do a dog You kind of do look like that too So he's like, go fuck your mother when you're laughing So for years after that when I'd see him just between me and him he'd go bus And I just thought of that little fucking bus Bus and I would laugh we called tattoo

I would laugh and he called me boss fucking hysterical guys Awesome mom. I'm happy you're doing well, man I'm happy you're doing this for kids. I'm happy it makes you feel good. Yeah, like I said, man I uh Ever since the charity thing I've been doing a couple different things I didn't know much about the good will but thank you for telling me I'll find that where these other places are because I take Heavy duty shit to the good will

Yeah, they just go on and do you understand me? Yeah, I've taken shirts From the good will but I will tell you something. There is a shirt in my closet That is superb That we looked up online, you know how my wife is she's fucking a Gentile She'll look anything up online these shirts start They start at like 160 or something. Oh my god. They only sell them in three places, Texas New York Like the east side. Yeah, and like san francisco or something like that. Yeah

My wife got me that shirt for four fucking dollars one day at the good will at the good will you got to see this shirt It's one of those shirts that goes With every badass fucking suit you like if it's black no He's got to be like an off gray suit or an off black suit right or an off blue suit the fucking shirt Makes that fucking suit Spit shine Tommy. That's why sometimes like even though I know good will They they charge for their clothes or but I know I used to shop there when I had no money So every once I like to give my clothes directly to homeless people to the to the outreaches

But then every once in a while I will bring stuff to the good will Because even though they charge people for it and people are making money off of it. I go There's somebody in there. I wonder what the percentage Of the good will money goes to the actual homes. They say That they spend that's what I want to know. I've always been quiet like in my mind I mean listen, man, you guys leave. What's the number one lesson in life? Same one. Henry Hill told you in just a different way Everyone's know I gotta take a beating me if you don't want to take a beating

You have to do something for a life big What is a life big? A life big is when Steve Simone calls me And says I want you to come down And do this fucking benefit It's gonna be fast and I go down in this 3000 people And Steve gives me a hat with a balloon on it and I'm the way out you go. I was expecting $3,000 But you go, I don't give a fuck about the money. It's for kids. Yeah, and that's it

I don't like doing a benefit where I feel like shit I'm the way out the promoters are giggling As I walk out their valet and their fucking bmw is all right. That's what I've never wanted to say I don't feel nobody ever wants to feel fucking cheated man. You know, I feel like you cheated somebody So that's my big problem with all those things. Like I said, there was a time on my facebook Lee That I was getting Five of these army things and one day I went to the guy's facebook page. There wasn't even a picture of a flag You know what I'm saying? So wait a second you're doing

Promotions for fucking army shows or for veterans And there's not a guy shot in the fucking leg running through a jungle There's not a guy nothing nothing. I smell scammed guys. Yeah Before I go to any club to do something like that and put my name on it And say I won't do it. I just won't fucking do it man I just rather not even bother myself with it because I know I'm How I'm gonna feel on the way out Yep

Do you think maybe if you were a younger comic you would just say yes to that gig and get burned And just like say yes because you want to help If That parameters in a fucking business and there's parameters and a benefit I have friends that do benefits and they get 10 000 dollars to do but But it's a benefit that the bisco is putting on there's something like right where their budget is ginormous. Okay, right? Then I have people who do benefits and they're kind of weird benefits again I had a guy years ago call me one time

And I got there when I got there, you know the dude from the longest yard was the main attraction When I got it sold to me the dude from This reality show was doing it And the dude from this reality show was doing it and this guy who's got a million followers on fucking youtube was doing it I get up there. I'm the fucking man of steel. Yeah, and I see him with a grin on his face again And there's no fucking soldiers crawling on the floor. I don't see nothing. Right. I don't see nothing I just see a guy that does 40s a month

You know I'm saying And he takes one guy and pays him a buck And there's three thousand people in the fucking room who paid 25 fucking dollars. All right. Okay. Do the goddamn man That's a lot of goddamn money So this guy go there was a thing after the sand bottom of uh The santa barba benefit. Yeah, there's a thing after the santa barba fucking thing Least I add in my line to you that the brody steven not go up there and go on later on and say it was a scam That's terrible and turned out later on. I knew when the guy contacted me

I knew right after the shooting two days later The guy contacted me and for me to contact rogan and I knew it and I knew How this guy operated and I said I can't do it. I need to Well, you could do this and charge at the door and I'll run the money and I You know what I don't want to do it and sure enough Sure enough right about a month after I heard Dog that dude up there was scamming They busted him in the fucking santa barba scam and blah blah blah and brody when I'm down there

And they told brody was gonna be a theater. You know that fucking story. God suck it don't lie to me Jesus Christ No, yeah, it says so apparently actually goodwill is not that bad. They do pay their ceo 2.3 million But they give between 83 and 86 cents Prefer the dollar. So it's that which apparently is pretty good. Yeah, I bring stuff there just because I know Yeah, I just like it. I like that's that place on Lancashire, correct? Yeah, there's one right there right there. Yeah I that's where I go. I go down the back. I don't even get the receipt Yeah, they make it easy to just drop off drop off the trash bag inside the trash bag. Yeah

You know for but here's what pisses me off And I love it. I love going on the road I love people bringing me albums. I love all that shit But there it goes in spurts Where people start giving you clothes In fact, I got a great shirt for you, brotherly Thank you from uh, joe's motorcycle this place They collect all those fucking minibikes. They have those festivals with those lomo minibikes. He came to the show

Oh my god, that's great. So you have a nice shirt like kelly leak lomo or minibike lomo minibike What the fuck are we talking about? I mean, we're talking about the shirts dropping them off charity Yeah, you go down there. You drop them off people give it to you Listen man, you know, there was a time A couple of fucking years ago. Somebody gave me like a fucking brand new Dallas Con Voyagers You know those two leaky shirts I wear those are two gifts from from people who listen to the fucking podcast Yeah, but half the time I get these fucking shirts like I can't wear a football jersey at my age I put a football jersey on when I was 30 one day

And it didn't look right just for me guys. It just doesn't look right for me. I don't know what your opinion is I don't really give a frenchman's fuck for uncle joey. I can't have a fucking football jersey out It makes me look like a fucking mook and a half Right, but you want to play high even him. He was saying just something wasn't right But bro, there was a couple months there. Why I kept getting jerseys And these were fucking expensive 100 bucks of pop usually And I got like an old fashion one somebody gave me like an old school Pittsburgh one years ago

When I first went to Pittsburgh at the ball like jay buchero and those guys This guy came on one of the nights and gave me this thing. This is for you I've had it for 30 years, but my mom's making it throw it away or something. I don't know what the fuck it was But I went online. It was like a 19 something fucking Pittsburgh stealer Defensive line shirt it fit too. I do it was a fat fuck even then 1940 or whatever, but I look like a fucking mutt wearing it. Yeah Yeah, I'm saying like there comes a time But I take them down there. I wonder if they fucking sell them for the small nickel

You know good wills I've I've found stuff when I used to live in Santa Monica the good will there there was stuff in there that was Really nice stuff cheap like I don't think People well, maybe somebody working there would scam stuff. I never in my life I don't know thought I would ever buy clothes from the second hand store And then I moved to Seattle as a young comedian. Yeah And there was a store up there lead it every Monday. I went in there and bought a fucking outfit for seven dollars

Seven bucks seven bucks like corduroy jeans a nice fucking jeans or a nice shirt I always got like a like a pole in those days, you know, I was like 240 so I could still you know dress like fucking John mystique What about because like what I was I moved when I moved here I was an idiot and bought everything new But what I didn't get was a bunch of like kitchen stuff and this guy who worked with who's moving home Gave it to me. I'm like, I was just thinking the other day how much I love it. Yeah, and like how about like Paul and I are thinking about moving in or even even if I just moved to a new place Like it's time for me to get new stuff. I'm like, I'm excited to give it to like pass it on

Like so like my like I have like a kitchen set I'll probably throw in the juicer As credit just like it's like I'm so excited like I have nice furniture, but I'm excited to give the dingy Knife set away. I'm moving I'm moving so Wow I gotta start from scratch and me my wife decided today when we were talking on the balcony and went like listen We're just gonna leave the air conditions and we'll leave the refrigerator because

We ain't taking them down those stairs Those stairs are not in good shape The termites gotten there There's not much we're taking from that Well, I'm sure there's people out there that could use it if you deliver furniture was apprentice furniture We got that whole set for six hundred dollars including the tables The cats when they got fucking territorial, they started pissing them. We can't take that furniture The furniture dude, that's why we kept it because we didn't know what we're gonna do with it

They scratched it jumped on it the baby puke done it. I puke done it I've wiped off in that chair You know that chair is good to go. We got the you know, this nowadays you go to those furniture outlets right up the fucking corner You walk in there at 9 30 by fucking 10 15 You got a furniture set if you want to deliver that day. It's there. It's there He asked the guy who's gonna deliver it. He's here right now loading the truck you go out there You shake his hand you put a 50 in his hand and the 20 in the other mooks fucking hand Say I'll be there at five o'clock. I guarantee this motherfucker's dad 10 to five with attention with extra rags

We're fucking roller skates on what I just dipped him a fucking yardstick a happy yard what? At the door. He didn't have to fucking deliver anything yet. That's how I roll bitches What what lease I am the fuck you're gonna do when the cops can't get you let's read some ads Let's get the fuck out of here again my main little brother Steve Simone and I this saturday night Cherokee Indian casino He won credits Ari Shafia. This is not happening. That's the fucking credits bitches One of the strongest shows on comedy central. I watched some comedy central the other night by the way, wow They should be shot and fucking hung but it's none of my business

Anyway, I like to welcome back one of my favorite fucking sponsors of all time Just because I think it's a great product and that's my people over at healing sleep You know why I like healing sleep because they think outside the box When I first moved into this apartment here, I bought a brand new fucking matches Am I happy with the fuck? No the middle soft my sides all fucked up. I weighed 300 fucking pounds My fat ass I scrits. I scratched that fungi nail God knows what that fungi dust Does to a mattress. It's like bed mites, you know, then my wife is lying on the other side

You flip it over. It's a nightmare. Those days are everywhere. You know why because they make a mattress one fucking way But what you don't understand and they understand that healing sleep is that you're unique You don't walk like everybody else. You don't talk like everyone you don't sleep like everyone So why is your mattress one size fits all? Answer me Because custom mattresses will cost you five to 10,000 bucks But I'll tell you what until that uncle joey came along bitches Introducing the healing sleep where you can buy mattresses. That's right online

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Is the food tremendous? No, not really. It's about a seven and you won't shit blood But i'll fill you up on the way to disneyland Because i'm gonna save your fucking $70 because if you eat up at disneyland and eat up a universal What do they do to your stevesome? I'm trying to save you people you don't need to eat up there nothing hit uncle joey up and say uncle joey I'm the studio city. I want chinese fucking food. I'll send you to a place listen golden chopsticks Or the other one they all got lunch specials. Will you shit blood? I don't know where you live If you live in flint you can eat a fucking scab off a fucking my toenail

You know i'm saying and nothing will happen to you. I'm sorry people I just kind of break it down that way because some motherfuckers get confused Anyway Lee starting tuesday will be getting blue apron. Yes, and he's gonna be trying out and uh Talking to you people about it and more or less You know i had a couple boxes sent to the house and the experiences with me was great I think it's a It's a great deal because all you gotta do is take the stuff out of the box and read the direction

I'll tell you exactly when the fuck to throw it in now At least you have a a patois of how to cook something the next time you're hungry Instead of sitting there looking at your cabinet going how to cook That's the best thing about blue apron and on top that they give you fine fine quality And they save your money You know i'm really excited they haven't actually we were talking the other day about me trying fish and the first week They're sending me brown butter cod with corn shishito peppers and purple potatoes. Let me tell you some cod brother is not bad i'm excited to try cod with flavoring on it

To dilute it which they're gonna send you all this stuff because they sent me salmon And they sent me like some soy teriyaki salmon. This had to be a year going. It was delicious I cooked it exactly how they did it the skin marinate that they told me everything what to do To the last minute. Okay, not all ingredients are created equal Fresh high quality ingredients taste better and are better for you So it's important that you know Where your food comes from for less than 10 miles per meal blue apron delivers seasonal recipes Along with pre-proportioned ingredients to make delicious home cooked meal

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You won't get the same recipe within a year Your meals will be from a variety of recipes or let blue aprons kill me routine Surprise you you customize your recipes each week based on your preferences You know if you want a fish tree and I still deliver it you choose your options to fit your needs There's no weekly commitment. So you only get deliveries when you want them. How many are you getting a weekly? I just wanted it's three meals. Okay. So each meal comes with a step by step Easy to follow recipe card pre-proportioned ingredients that can be prepared in 40 minutes or less All right, check out this week's menu

Check out this week's menu. I think it's uh the spice lentil stew the foo kazi Salmon and the white pizza with arugula and Maya lemon Are you fucking killing me and that that the the tilapia comes with black noodles? I mean, they got a certain dog Every they got something delicious over there on that. I go to that web page just to look And I'm always thinking about it. I'm happy Lee did it. So maybe we do it together as a family

Anyway, let's cut this shit. Check out this week's menu. I'm gonna give you your first three menus free Okay, with free shipping by using blue apron dot com slash joey joey y that's blue apron dot com slash joey Okay, blue apron. So don't wait again. That's blue apron dot com slash joey farm fed fresh Beautiful natural vegetables meats Robin noodles delivered straight to your door All you gotta do is take them out of box and cook them right there And it's that easy and all of them with like five to 700 calories one more time blue apron dot com slash joey

Your first three meals around me And that's it tonight. Have a great weekend. I'm very happy that lisa adds here We'll be back. You're gonna start off the fucking monday We don't only do this every other week. We just do this on special fucking weekends So we got together and so let's just do it out of the bat. So they have something monday morning again one more time for my main man, uh Steve Simone was going over to the cherry key casino and one more time for my favorite jew That's it. Have a great night. We'll be back in shit bitches

This show was brought to you by helix sleep Go to helix sleep dot com slash joey right now to save $50 off of your order Helix sleep will build you a custom mattress that you order online And it will cost you hundreds instead of thousands that other custom mattresses will cost you So let's go to helix sleep dot com slash joey right now to save $50 off of your order And helix sleep is offering free shipping on all of the orders So go to helix sleep dot com slash joey right now check out what they offer And when you're going to buy a bed use cupboard joey and it's $50 off of your order with free shipping

This show was brought to you by blue apron Go to blue apron dot com slash joey right now and get your first three meals for free And on top of your first three meals for free when you go to blue apron dot com slash joey You're going to get free shipping So that's free shipping and your first three meals for free when you go to blue apron dot com slash joey Right now the show is also brought to you by on it dot com Go to on it dot com needs cupboard church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products Like alpha brand new move trim tech immune and trim tech sport. Love you joey. Love you buddy

Oh And there is Oh There's expectations to Oh We want to say Okay Da boiays ASMR

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