Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #404 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt with Susanna Lee

Episode Date: August 11, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Joey's upcoming move, making decisions, and the process you go through in life. Susanna Lee, Comedian and exotic performer, joins Joey and Lee in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:    Datsusara: Go to DSgear.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles. Use code Joey to get 5% off of your order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 08/10/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by Datsuzara. Go to DS Gear and check out their extremely high-quality functional gear that's made with hemp textiles. They have bags, geese, rash guards, and more. They have t-shirts, they have fanny packs. Go to DSgear.com and use Colbert Joey to save 5%. The show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use Colbert Church to save 10% on all of their optimization products like Strongbone, Alphabrain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Mood, and Shroom Tech Sport. It's ColbertChurch at Onit.com to save 10%. Oh shit. Drop it, Lee. Kick that fucking mule, Lee. Oh, Wednesday. August 10th,

cocksuckers. What? Oh shit. Lee Syat. Susanna Lee. She'll be coming in a little later. And your uncle fucking Joey on a Wednesday night. What else are you gonna be doing? What? What? Can't get it, Lee. Oh shit. Out of that nut sack. It's your fucking lucky night right here, cocksuckers. What? Oh shit. Do I think you're a nasty girl? I love it. You filthy animal you. Give me those dirty feet and those stinky ankles. Oh yeah. What up, you bad motherfuckers? Wednesday nights. DJ Lee, cut the fucking music. Well, you know what they're like turning it off like somebody's gonna jump off a cliff. You know, ain't nobody jumping off a fucking cliff here. What's going on, my little brother?

I'm having a good day, man. Fuck that weed is good. It's a good night. Fuck yeah. It's Wednesday night. Everything's crackle lacking. We're back on. You know, I feel a lot better. I was a little under the weather there. I can't smoke pot with a lot of people. I get sick. And right away, like that night when I left here, just hitting that vapor pen with the kid from Eureka. Yeah, you just knew? I just knew. When I went home that night, I got up at four in the morning. My throat was already scratching. By the time I got up at fucking seven, I was spitting colors and shit. You know, I know you're going to be sick. Yeah, you know, and here's the problem when you're sick that you go, you know what? I got this

and you go do something stupid and you break the sweat and you leave the teacher on and here you are for six weeks coughing. You know, those two week calls and you finally go to the doctor because your prescription and this is why you have to really watch, especially my age, especially, you know, I'm thinking about how I got sick two weeks after the surgery because those antibiotics clean out your fucking system. So your immune system is weak. It's building back up. I got back on a plane. I got sick on a plane. You know, this is the shit that happens. It's just getting simple. This is just a simple cold, but you can't do much of it. You know, for a fact that if you fucking juggernaut this thing, it could

either get really bad or it could shake. Why take the chance? I got to go to Denver this week. I got to do five fucking shows Thursday sold out already. Well, why don't I take a chance? I just relaxed. I did not go to Jiu Jitsu a week between the fucking arm and the cold and the whole fucking deal. I just said, you know what? Again, just relax. Why kill yourself? I don't want to turn this into an ammonia and then I got on a fucking plan that gets worse and they go from the high altitude and then we got a fucking problem one weekend and not to mention like rolling. It's like the same as smoking with someone. If you roll with someone, they get up and then they're sneezing. They have a cold. I'm

like, what the fuck, man? You're sweating on me. So what I do is just then tend to myself. I did a little writing. I made some notes, you know, shit like that. It wasn't the biggest week in my life. I got to move. So I already started throwing some shit out, some t-shirts, shit I don't wear, shit I found that I didn't even know I still had shoes. Just I'm doing the first sweep. The next week I'm doing the most intense sweep when I get home. Then I go to odd ball and then when I come back, we make the move. You got to give me the move as numbers. We get them on fucking point. Oh yeah. The beds coming from Helix sleep. They sent us a bed, the whole fucking deal. So it's over. It's a, it can be really stressful

moving. It could be if you let it be. If you put yourself in the predicament of a two day or, and then you want to cut corners and borrow a truck from your friend and then your other buddy's going to come. That's a mind fuck right there. So what I've done the last two times is I start moving boxes over on the 15th. They did the lawn today, tomorrow's the painting. And I guess next week is the carpeting. And right after that, I start moving over there with three boxes a night. When I leave here after the podcast, three boxes a night. I'm not doing nothing at two thirty in the afternoon, three boxes, three boxes, three boxes, three boxes, three boxes. And pretty soon when the movies come, it's a fucking three hours because

we're right around the fucking corner. Yeah. Donate. It's tough. What are we taking? We're donating the couches. They smell like cat piss. We're taking the TV, the fucking bedroom, the kids room. That's it. We can't carry the refrigerator down because it might break the fucking stairs and we can't take the oven. So what were we taking? The pictures, the bathroom shit. That's it. The clothes and the cabinets. That's it. So I could start taking the winter clothes over there already, suits, shirts, you know, and that's how you do it. The books I got in that library stuck going over there. Let the movies

move the two desks, the mattresses, the bedroom, the baby's bedroom. That's it. Boxes. We're going to take dishes over the dish. Like she's already got all that packed. The shit that's not we don't use on a daily. Get that shit out of here. Get it out. So that shit's going. She already cleaned the cabinets for groceries, like the shit that's expired or we don't really use. We travel like us Puerto Ricans travel like cocksucker to I used to. I've moved ball. Oh, please. Like I pack. I don't throw anything away. I can't. I can't throw away. I literally have a box that I bring that take the stuff from my fridge. I'm like, all right, I take the

shit from my fridge. Okay. But there's shit that's like tartar sauce. You know, there's tartar sauce that's half full and the sides are crusted. What are you going to take that for? Take a soda. No. Okay. What's the red shit? What's that? No, the other shit. Yeah. That shit gets all crusty. Throw away. It's $1.49 on specials. You can make it at your fucking house. I'm going to carry that shit with me to the falls and you got it on your fingers and you touch your sweater. Now you got that red shit on your fingers. There's a thousand things that don't need to really go. No, I'm not paying that. It's not worth the fucking aggravation. It's like, because you're getting a house, so it's cool that

you get to move in early. I've always ever since we're going to move boxes early, but we don't move till like September 1st is complete. Oh yeah. No, no, I understand. But what I'm saying is like ever since I moved out, I've lived in apartments and with that you only have a good day. So I never as broke as I was, I never once asked friends to help me move. I've always paid because it just we were talking before the podcast started about how like you start realizing how much stuff costs like if you're on vacation or something. I was thinking about that the other like last night. I bought something and I was like, that's like half an hour at work or whatever. When you start realizing how much time it takes

to actually buy something that you're buying, like you'll start, you either start buying less or you'll realize that your time's important. So rather than spending four days moving, just hire movers for 300 bucks. I feel the same way. If you think I want to go up and downstairs in the morning with fucking couches and shit, I can't handle it. Not three days of that. No, it's not worth my health. It's not nothing, especially for what we're moving. Like I said to you, we got fucking Salvation Army on point. They're picking up the couches, the chairs. We're taking the two TVs, the baby's TV, shit like that. The baby's room was the toughest, believe it or not.

She's the most tough? Yeah, but we're taking all her clothes over and boxes over. The moving thing is preparation. It's like painting a room. When you come in here, look at a room, look at it, look at it, look at it, and then just put a fucking roller on it, roll the wall, and then later on have to get turpentine and clean off the windowsills and clean off the fucking electrical cabinets because of not, you see how that gray and that white look? You see how good it looks? How many times have you gone to somebody's house and there's paint on that white fucking cap on the electrical thing? So what do you do? You look at the

room and you go, okay, let me tape it off first. And that saves me time later with turpentine. After bid, you knock over the turpentine on the carpet, now you fucking go and the turpentine drips off the rag because you put, now it goes on the new paint. Who needs that shit? That's the fucking old way of doing it. Just go in there, you have to look at things and look at them and look at them again and go, okay, this is the plan for this. Look at what you're working with, what you're, you know, if you're working, what your work dates are, what you have available to you. I mean, there's a lot of fucking alternatives. And you know, you're moving, you have a first, last security, you're already tapped out. But there's different

ways to do it to save on an angle. You know, I don't know anything about cross country moving. I've never done that. I heard that's a fucking nightmare. I heard that's a fucking nightmare. That people come, then they, they want you to give them 5,000 bucks for the furniture, they hold a ransom. I've heard horror shows about that shit. I know about moving from point A to point B. From point A to point B, lung distances, it's just clothing. I've just always taken clothing. That's it. A toothbrush, some socks, some shampoo, and you're ready to go. Some Q tips. And who's going to stop you? All that other shit. I don't know about, but in the short distances, that's when you have to move your fucking

furniture. Have you ever driven like a U-Haul? I think I would destroy, like the city would come to a halt if I had a U-Haul. I've driven a U-Haul, but short distances. Not cross country. You know, maybe, I think the most, when we moved from Seattle, we took a fucking camper with a trailer, with a car on the fucking trailer. You had three vehicles? Yeah. Like fucking the chic of hour B. You know what that's like? You know what that's like? I don't like that shit. That shit scares me to fucking pieces. That must have been, so it was you and Carol and a dog and a dog and a camper trailing a trailer with a car off of that. Oh my God. You have no fucking idea. And then we pull over in San Francisco. I'm standing on the street.

She goes to make, she parks the car. We parked the car. She goes to turn to U-Turn with just a trailer. And all you sudden, you see the back wheels fall off and you see the trailer fall on the back. And you see the back wheels just stuck there with the hitch on it and shit. So we had to get a tow truck to tow it into a fucked up neighborhood and park it overnight. We had to sleep in it. People were having an open mic outside our fucking door. This was the craziest week of my life, sleeping on the street in the fucking trailer in San Francisco with a fucking dog and people outside your trailer singing with guitars and shit and shooting heroin and you're like, what the fuck is this shit? Oh my God. They were talking about

shooting heroin to tie him up. You know, did he have any fucking cotton balls? I mean, it was crazy. I'm laying there in that bed going, what the fuck have I done to deserve this shit? So I know I hate that shit. That's the stuff I can tolerate. Like that was, that's what stopped me from moving cross country with my wife, the cats. If I move cross country with my wife, now I have to move the wife to fucking cats. The kid, you got to stop every two hours with the fucking cats. You have no idea, my friend. Yeah, you have no fucking idea what it's like. You break down with cats. Those motherfuckers fry in the backseat. So you got to have all your fucking shit intact. You know, it's, it's tough. It's fucking tough. But like I said to you, I'm,

I'm handling this the right way. I'm looking at, I'm going to Denver. I come back and that's when I start making my moves. We're keeping in touch at the fucking property manager every day back and forth, letting us know what the schedule is. So once we could start, it's three little boxes every day. Next week, I throw every shit out and announce next Monday night by Tuesday morning, I take three or four bags and I goodwill up to fucking corn. All right. Yeah, you just got to get rid of everything. Everything. Are you excited for mercy? Like it must be, I didn't grow up in an apartment. I grew up, I was very lucky and I grew up in a house and the town I grew up in literally had, I think maybe one apartment complex. And I never, now when I see kids,

I feel not bad, but I'm like, it must be different growing up in an apartment from a house. Like mercy is going to love that. It's been rough the last three years because we didn't really know we were going to have the child and we moved into this place. And then we didn't know whether to move out, rent, own, you know, I like an area because of its convenience. You know, I'm very convenient here. I like this area. You know, I've always liked this area. I lived in this area when they first moved to our life in three or four months with Carol and Violent and Moore Park. So I like this area. I've always, I know the CVS people, I know the weed stores, I know the sandwich places, I know everybody up here. So I didn't think about moving to West Hills or moving to Vegas.

I couldn't even imagine it starting over again. So my wife said, fuck it, we're not going to find the house. Let's just rent one for a year and kill some time. I was like, give it a go. I didn't think we're going to find one this quick. I really didn't. But it was in the cards. I told my wife, this is how it was going to happen. It wasn't going to happen. It was going to be a quick process, just like this happened. Come look at it Saturday, fill out the application and you'll know by Monday. And that's exactly what happened. That's exactly what happened. I'm very happy. You know, I grew up in New York City in an apartment for a few years, but then we moved to a house in New Jersey and there was a big difference. There was a big difference as a child. You're confidence and whatnot.

I mean, most children don't fucking think about that shit. Well, I don't even mean like the fact that they're in an apartment. I just mean like you have a yard. You can be a little loud. I have a friend that has three kids that live in a one bedroom apartment. Geez. He's fighting for his life and she's fighting for her fucking life. But who could come over? They sleep in the living room. They just have beds everywhere in the living room. Yeah. Nice people. I visit them like twice a year. I know them. I bring the kids gifts. I talk to them and shit all the time on the phone. She used to cut my hand. My wife's hand, but they got three kids in the one bedroom apartment. So I know how fortunate I am. I know how fortunate I am. You know, it was a blessing in the skies

when they asked us to leave down there. They one day just knocked on the door and said, the landlord found out you had cats. You have to go. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah. That's the story. Terry lived in, I lived in there with Terry for eight fucking years. Oh, the first place in Hollywood. The first place in Hollywood. And one day, the day after we got married and knocked on the door and said, you gotta move out. And we were like, are you fucking serious? And they're like, yeah, you have cats. It's not in the lease. Terry's been here nine years with the fucking cats. What are you talking about? But what they were trying to do is get though. It was rent controlled apartments. Right. They were trying to get everybody out, redo the apartments and then charge

$15 a month. Absolutely. And at first I was mad, but then it's everything else that's been in my life. They did me a fucking favor. They did me a fucking favor. You know, and I didn't even know it. I was so stressed when I moved up here. I mean, the rent was going up eight to an hour. I thought it was the end of the fucking world. I never thought I would make the rent up here. I never thought I would make the rent up here. I always thought we barely made rent down there. How am I going to make fucking the rent up here? And it worked itself out. Because everything does, you know, I was thinking about the process today, the process that everybody's scared of. You know, there's a process in life.

And we try to rush it at times, but you can't rush it. It's a fucking process. And I know it from a comedian standpoint, because when I first got here, myself, Josh Wolfe, Brody, you know, we were very eager. You're very eager. You're very eager. You're very eager. And then you start losing it. And then the situation happens that puts you back into perspective. And then you know how to handle this place. There's three stages to this town, this city up here. And that's what usually happens. You're very eager. You're very eager. You're very eager. You start doing things. You start making little moves. And then you book something, but you see a little bit behind the curtain. And it wasn't what you thought it

was going to be. And the people turned and everything changed. And you're bummed for a while. But when you recover from that, you're a different person in this town. It's tough when I see like Tony Hinchcliffe is on fire right now. And he's frustrated. He's eager. But he doesn't know that it's a process. And I can't explain it to him. You know what I'm saying? It's very rough. Because if somebody would have came to me in 2003 and told me it was a process, I would have told them to go fuck themselves. There ain't no process here. I'm cracking jokes. People are laughing. What's the fucking problem? It doesn't work that way. It works in layers, but we're always scared of the fucking process. Tomorrow you walk into a union hall and you go, I want to be a fucking union

plumber. And they say, okay, it takes four years of being an apprentice, two years residential, two years commercial. And then you joined the master's program. I don't know the dynamics. I'm just making up numbers here. Like I've always said, we look at that number and we look at it so distant. But then once you do it, you know, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I completely understand. But this is something that I've been struggling with lately. So you said there's a process, right? What I'm most worried about now is making the wrong move. You know what I'm saying? I'm worried about, like, I have a couple different options. And like, like, let's say someone gets two job offers. Whenever that happened to me, I'd always be like, fuck, which one do I take? In my mind,

if I take the wrong one, my life is going to end. I know probably that's not going to happen. But that's a big fear of mine is which decision to make. I think the biggest mistake we make is going to people don't know your situation. You break your situation down to them with your job, what the benefits are, what the cons are. You know, there's all that shit, right? And then, but at the end, and I've said this for years, I thought about this, maybe when we still live down there, how you always know the best decisions for you. It's just scared coming up with the decision. You know, you're in a room, you lost your job. Your wife's not talking to you. She moved back in with her mother. This is all because of drugs and your gambling. The last thing in your mind

at that point is going to rehab and ending this party. You know, it's the most distant thing from your fucking mind. You're trying to figure out how to fix it. But while you're trying to sit there and fix everything, you know this is going to be the first answer. This is going to calm everybody down by you going to a rehab, even if you don't want to go. The people around you feel at ease. You may have a good chance of getting your wife back. I never thought of going to a rehab. That's why I never went to a fucking rehab. Like I never thought of going to a fucking rehab. I can imagine ending this fucking party, this charade. So you, like you just mean you didn't consider it. You probably had the idea. I had ideas about it. We all do. When we're in that position,

we all know that this is, we need help. This is uncontrollable. I told myself I wasn't going to get high till Friday. It's fucking Tuesday. I'm bleeding from my nose. There's a dead chicken in my bed. I'm not going to work again. You know, just little things and you say to yourself, what ends this? And you're like a fucking rehab. But you know, you know, that's the answer. But you're like, nah, there's got to be something else I can do. Oh, absolutely. But here's the frustrating part for me. So like that's a negative thing happening. What happens when things are going great and you have to make a decision? I'm worried that when things are going good. You know why things are going great? Why? Because you made the right decisions. So just

believe in yourself and go in your fucking stomach. Things are going great because you made the right decisions because you made certain decisions at certain times. You know, I'm not here. I'm not going to Denver this week to headline because I'm a funny comedian. I'm not even going to headline. I'm not even going to Denver because of all the work I put into this. Comically, I mean, like riding and getting on stage at night and waiting online. That's all great. And Danny, how you get forward is those little sacrifices when you stick to them. Sacrifices are the fucking thing. I never realized until I started thinking about this Jody situation and what she was mad about years ago when a group of people were all so angry at me that

I don't do enough social activities. And they're mad at you for that? A lot of people get mad at me because I don't do a lot of things socially because they don't get it that when you're doing something socially that, you know, they always want to do things on nights where it's comedy nights, like Monday nights. Monday nights was the hottest night in LA 10 years ago. You know, to have the honor to get on stage at the Laugh Factory or the Improv or the store on a Monday night was fucking greatly, you know. They always had parties on Monday nights or Thursday nights or Friday nights or Saturday nights. Those are the nights you're doing comedy. You know, like my birthdays, June, whatever, you're in Ohio that weekend. They were looking at you like, why don't you cancel

and move to date? There's going to be a great party. And you're like, are you fucking kidding me? It's the little things I stuck to. It wasn't the time I put in or because I'm funny or the least I at. It was the little things I stuck to, like these are the things I'm not doing, you know, and these are the things I'm doing. Granted, it took me a long time to stop doing fucking bloke. But once I stopped, I stopped and I use those other principles that I've used in other things where you sacrifice things. You go, this is not what I'm doing. This is what I'm going to do. Even if I want to do this really bad, this is what needs to be done. Right. Absolutely. And it's always pinned down for me. I've been thinking a lot about that lately,

how that always worked out for me and people never understood that part of me. Well, like when I tell you I'm going to do something from two to five, that's what I'm doing. I don't give a fuck what you got going on. I already got something going on. I'm happy that you got something going on. I'm going to do my thing. You do your thing and I'll call you at 10 after five. But people don't seem to understand that. Shane came to the show the other. Remember Shane? Tuesday night he came. Last night he came. We were talking the other day and I got you working and he goes, I'm working. Usually I wouldn't answer the phone and I started talking to him, like people like him, Mitch Hedberg, all those guys had schedules where they wouldn't respond to

people. They would just lock themselves in the room and focus on writing. You know, that's very hard to do with the fucking internet. That's why I like to go to a coffee shop when I write, because I hate the internet around. When I go right, I shut the phone off and I put in a bag, then I'll give a fuck who calls. I'll look at it every fucking 30 minutes or something like that, my mind, but I won't look at Twitter or Facebook. It's just for calls. I took the Facebook off the phone. I'm taking all that shit off the phone anyway. You see the article today about Ari Shafia? Yeah, I read it. Yeah. It makes a lot of sense. I think it totally makes sense. It makes sense. I didn't understand, for people who didn't read it, it was about Ari giving up his cell phone

and they interviewed this like smartphone. Yeah, his smartphone, you're right. And they interviewed this professor who was like, I don't think it's right. I don't think other people do have an addiction to the smartphone. I absolutely, I get a little bit nervous if I feel like I lost my phone or don't have it with me. I would get a lot more done if I didn't have one. Absolutely, 100%. I've really been thinking about it. Yeah. This thing is broken. It's still stuck on two fucking messages. I use the calculator once in a while. I use the notes once in a while. I like the voice recorded. You taught me how to use it even though I erased the show by mistake. I don't know what I'm fucking doing. I don't like Twitter on it. I took the fucking Facebook off it. I got the emergency

email on it just in case I have no addition or something like that. But besides that, there's nothing on me that really distract me, distract me. I don't play games. I don't do Pokemon. I don't read fucking comic books. You know, I have music on here, but it doesn't sound as good as the iPod. And I don't want to have power when I'm on the phone, when I'm on the fucking plane. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. So if you're on a four-hour flight, you get off your power, it's fucking dead on these things. Now you've got to stand there like a mortadelle and charge your fucking phone. As soon as I get on the plane, I shut the fucking phone off and I put the iPod on. Yeah. You know, and I do that so I always have my phone in full charge.

What if the plane goes down and you're on a fucking island in Baruba and nobody can call because they've been playing fucking Pokemon. Here, my shit's going to be fulled up, Jack. No, it's important. It's important. It's like it's, I find myself going back through Facebook that I've already seen. Like it's, it's, it's crazy what a time suck it is. Well, boredom. Boredom is a fucking thing and you run home, you open it up, you see if somebody messaged you on Facebook, you see if somebody messaged you on Twitter, you see if somebody got on a hotmail, I shut the thing off and leave. I do that 10 times a fucking day just to see if somebody had needed something or something. That's what I do. But besides, when I go on the weekends,

on the road, that computer I have doesn't let me really do much. It's such a fucking nightmare that surface. It's such a fucking nightmare. That's when everybody wants to email me and everybody wants to talk on the fucking computer. And you know, I find shit on that computer when I go on the road, I don't see on the house computer. Really? Yeah, it's fucking crazy. That's weird. And going back to not answering the phone, I have a problem now because people know that I'm not at an office during the day. I could fucking 1000 calls that have nothing to do about business. And I feel like if it's a family member or something, I feel like I have to take it and I look back and it's an hour out of my day. Like between two or three phone calls.

Like, do you not answer phone calls? If I, you taught me how to do that phone shut off. So there's days I should put that on. I forget to turn it back on. So the fucking phone don't ring. And also in 35 people fucking call me. But again, I'm like you, I look at it and I go, I was with my daughter, I couldn't answer the phone anyway, so I'm happy I had this thing on off. Yeah, do not disturb. Yeah. Yeah, do not disturb thing. You know, that that's it. That's the limits. I forget to turn it on at night and it runs the next fucking day. And then I go, fuck, nobody's called. And I go, holy shit, because I don't even look at it. When I get up in the morning, I don't even look at the phone anymore. I don't turn the TV on.

I don't look on the phone no more. Nobody calls me up to 12 no more. I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. Everyone. So while Ralphie calls me early and I'll call them back or I'll call them when I get in the car or something besides that, nobody calls me over. I think that's the move because I'm this way and I think a lot of people in the 20s are this way. In my bed, if Paul is not there, my cell phone and my laptop are next to me, like in the other person's spot. It's like that can't be good. Well, you see how much time you're wasting. You see, listen, man, I freak out when I go from my phone. I'm a Cuban Jew. I'm thinking 400. Yeah, me too. I'm thinking 400 and all my numbers.

I got to start from fucking scratch now. That's what you start thinking about 400 and all the numbers you lost. That's all I give a fuck about. I got to start from scratch now. I got a thousand fucking numbers on there. I've developed over the years. That's what I worry about. You go to your hotel and call me. That's why before I get out of the cab, I look everywhere. When I get in a person's car, I look everywhere. Sometimes I take my phone out and put it in the door. Oh no. Yeah. And I get out of the car. You have no fucking idea what I've gotten for some time. So now I hold on to this thing. I could have taken this thing in a fucking year ago. I just keep them. I don't even know what it is, a five, a three, a two, a fucking six. I don't

know and I don't give a fuck. It's got 16 cracks in the fucking screen. I'm gonna have to take it in eventually. I don't remember if it was in the Irish of your article or something else that I read today. It was probably the already article, but it said something like there's more smartphones in Great Britain than there are people. And I was thinking about that. I was like, how can that be? And what it is, is what I think it is, is they somehow tricked us into buying a new phone every two years. They just, they're like, okay, you have a two year plan. So every two years, you buy a phone. And there's really no reason to. But like, I must have four phones at my house, just doing nothing. What you don't into the army. The army needs old cell phones. Yeah,

they refixed them. Somebody was telling me, yeah, you can donate them to service. Okay. I had no idea. Yeah, you can go online and they give me an address. You can mail it to them and some soldier and I rack it up with fucking phone. You ever think of that? No, I hadn't. See, it's amazing the amount of money we spend on that stuff. So. Oh, no. And listen, these things break. They're programmed to break. They're programmed to break every 18 fucking months. There's a thing you go in there, you take the chip out. Is that true? Have you heard about that? No, I remember about it. There's some on the computer, I think. There's a chip. Oh, it's like a self-destruct chip. I don't know. Then you take it out and not a computer last long. I don't

know if this is true. I heard this from somebody. I wouldn't doubt it. I wouldn't doubt anything that these people are doing. Because I don't want to buy a fucking phone. I don't want to put that much stock into a phone. Like I was raised to stay the fuck away from the phone. I didn't start talking to people on the phone until I talked to girls when you're 13. Right. Yeah. And you talk to them for hours. I don't give a fuck about that. But to sit there all fucking, I can't do it no more. I have to write. I have to pick up the baby. You know, nine out of 10 times I'm in front of people. I can't pick up a phone. That doesn't stop a lot of people now though.

Yeah, because they're fucking rude. But if I'm in a meeting with Shane and one of those dudes, I can't pick up a fucking phone unless my wife calls me twice. I don't pick up the fucking phone. Right. It's just an emergency. That's it. But then like I was thinking about it, I feel bad for people who like when I had a job job, I'd be answering emails, calls and stuff 24 hours a day, seven days. Like you must get work emails and it's different because you don't really have a set schedule. But at a certain point that's that should stop like you're supposed to have some downtime. Well, let's say I'm out and about and I get work emails, a lot of work emails and tail dates.

I can't give them an answer until I get back home if I'm on the road. Right. I don't bring my book with me on the road. I don't know where I'm going to be that fucking date. I have an idea roughly. I have an idea, but I never want to put myself in a bad position because I have. No. Oh yeah. I get home and I'm like, fuck, I got that thing. I fucking six o'clock. Now I got to call this guy back and tell him no. So now I have a rule. I've had a rule for a few years before I give you a fucking date. I got to go home and check it out. But I mean, that's a good rule. But I mean, I mean, even like at dinner with Mercy, you must get a call about work or an email and a certain like a certain

point, but you have to throw it away. If it's not a Jew from Beverly Hills, that phone ain't getting fucking picked up. If I'm with Mercy, plain and fucking simple, plain and fucking simple. If I'm with Mercy, I'm at a table with my wife. That's a Jew from Beverly Hills. The phone gets picked up. But if it's not a Jew from Beverly Hills, you're in no danger of fucking getting picked up. I just imagine you have a group on your phone, just the Jews from Beverly Hills. That's it. If you know the Jew from Beverly Hills, I don't even think about it. I'm with my fucking daughter with my family. But what the fuck, you know, what the fuck?

And some people don't understand that. Like, if you don't respond to a text right away or, well, you don't respond to text at all, but just the phone calls, it's too much. It's too much. It's all fucking day. And then you go home and you get emails on all three. You know, I got four fucking six, eight different ways of getting an email. I haven't even approved people. I got emails on LinkedIn. You understand me? I haven't even fucking signed up for LinkedIn. And I don't even know how I got on there. And I got a fucking emails on LinkedIn. Okay. You have a huge, very popular account. Yeah. Like I don't even, I don't want to hang out with business associates and the

same morons on my Facebook fucking page, the same fucking morons on my Facebook page, the same fucking people on LinkedIn, whatever the fuck it is. So I, you know, I don't know what the fuck way to go. I got a thousand comics calling me up. Did you know that lately? For what? Just a thousand fucking things. I get numbers on my phone. I don't even know. And since I don't have glasses, I can't see them. So if the name's not in there, you're in no fucking danger. I can't see the fucking number. I get seven, one, fours. Oh, Charlotte, New York this morning at eight o'clock, I started getting calls from somebody.

I didn't even know I was outside. I didn't even fucking know until I came up. And I got three calls from the same fucking number. No message. You're not getting a call back. You're in no danger. You're called to your fingers turn fucking pink. But people know they're not supposed to leave a message with you. No, there's no thing no more. It says not to leave. It says not to leave nothing. It's very ambiguous. There's nothing there that's even me. Nothing. I took all that shit off. Done.

No voicemail. No voicemail. If you called me from 10 years ago on that number, you don't know who's got it now. I get peep. I wake up some times and there's fucking people. Joey, remember me from fucking click? I don't remember nobody. I don't remember nobody. I don't remember nobody nine one five. That's all pass. That's cocaine. I don't remember nobody. Okay. I got no memories. I don't know who the fuck is calling me. I don't know who the hell it is. Hello.

All right. I'll be right out my love. Go get the sandwich, leave of debt. We got my girl, Susanna coming in. She's a friend of mine that Felicia introduced me to. Felicia did a documentary that's getting some heat and it's about you want to go again? And it's about Unfucking unbelievable and it's about uh, I'll let her tell you, you know, it's uh, they're like, I don't know what the fuck to even call them. I don't know if there's sex

workers. I don't know what the fuck to call them. But I did one of the scenes for Felicia and I found her to be really interesting and I just thought about it for a long time. Like, how many fucking peep shows I had gone to over the years? You know, I didn't even want to say it. Like how I met her was the Felicia documentary of her dancing in a peep show. So she was kind of naked. So obviously I'm fucking purple the whole time. She's asking me fucking creepy questions and shit. But after I left and I went home, I wanted to know why my mind I got all creeped up when I went and did that. I mean, she's just a woman. She's just a beautiful fucking woman.

You know, she's a young girl, whatever the fuck she is, I don't even know how old she is. But why did I get creeped up? So I thought about it. I said, instead of me hitting her up, I'll be going down and taking her clothes off or something. Why don't I get her on the fucking podcast and let's talk about what the fuck she does, how she got into it, why she doesn't, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's it. You know us, dog. We keep it fucking simple. Which bond hits for Jerry's kids on the fucking ones that are in the church? So yeah, it just seemed an interesting topic for me. You know, as a kid in New York City, what's happening, my love? Let me go in first and then you sit in the middle here.

Go ahead, Lee. You're a flying fucking savage, brother. Get in here, my little princess of beauty. What's happening? Not much. I was leaving when my customers was coming in. Oh, Jesus. I'm fucking sorry about that. I like this skirt. It's you. You know what I'm saying? The skirt is you. I like the tats tonight. They're you. Everything's fucking you. What's going on, Lisa? Everything good? Did you introduce yourself? I did, yes. The edible kicked in as soon as I stood up for a second.

You're supposed to kick in when you're fucking standing up. What would you like for me to call you on this? Either way, Susanna. What's going on, beautiful? Not much. I'm in the middle of a 15 hour shift. You know, man, people kill themselves to live. That's a lot of fucking work. What are you going to do? You travel. You go on the road. You do stand up. You fucking sing. You dance. You do burlesque. Oh, no singing.

You're a woman of a thousand fucking things. But I was telling them that I met you when I did documentary for Felicia with you. And it was really weird because I've been thinking about you ever since that because that night, like I didn't know what to think when you took your clothes off and stuff, but I kind of froze up, you know, and went home. I was like, why did I freeze up like that? And I just wanted to get you on the show and talk about what you do. I really found you interesting and beautiful. So let's bullshit my love. What's happened? So this shift tonight, where are you working at today?

Today I'm working at my main place, actually my only place right now. It's called Aeros station, Aeros station. Okay. And it's on Oxford and Sepulveda. It's a private show place, laundry, modeling, private dancer, that type of thing. Not like the other place I went to. No, there's no glass between me and the customer. This is just me alone with a stranger in a small room for 20, 30 minutes at a time. Oh, my fucking god.

And you have regular, as you said. I do. Yeah. Now, how long have you been in this industry? Um, well, when I lived in Chicago in the mid 90s, I did phone sex towards the end of the 90s. And then I quit that I worked for an independent service. So she didn't have really any, she didn't have any major restrictions on what people could talk about. And she was, she was a dog lover. So she, no bestiality, no bestiality. And I found that out after I got a dog call and I called her and I was like,

could you please not give me any more animal calls? And she's like, Oh, we don't do that. But here's your next customer. He's a Chester. That's what she used to call the, the pedophiles. So I worked for her until I got a really, really bad pedophile, like a really terrible call. On the phone. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was, I was just like, I can't, I can't listen to this anymore. And then I didn't do anything for, let me think, for several years for like five years. And then, and in that time, I'd been married. I moved from Chicago back to Kansas City, got married, moved out to Oregon, moved back to Kansas City, left my husband. And then I

started doing stuff again. But I got into it really, I didn't go straight into sex work. You know, all I had done was phone sex. I hadn't done any in person stuff. And I met this guy on Craigslist. And, you know, he came like, I met him looking for a guy to, to be like, are there language restrictions? Oh, great. So I was looking for a guy to fuck because since I'd left my husband, I sort of like worn out all the familiar dick that I knew. So I was looking for a new guy. And I went on Craigslist. And I was talking to this guy's name was James. And he shows up in my apartment. And when he shows up, I see the pictures he sent were just completely inaccurate. And I'm like, I can't fuck you. But we both like the same drugs and he had some. So

we totally hung out, you know, friendly like and we did for weeks. And then I guess he got tired of hearing me bitch about being broke, you know, the divorce, like it just kills you. And my husband had like pilfered money before we split up. And I didn't know that until after we split up. And I checked the bed, you know, so he was like, do you want to work for me? And I'm like, well, what do you do? I assumed it was drugs. But I'm, I would, I'm picky about the type of drugs I'll sell. Like I don't want to sell meth or anything. I want to be part of the solution, you know, no problem. Right. Right. So he said he was a racker. And I was like, I don't know what them you're your stock boy. And he was and he told me, do you know what racking is? No. Oh,

it's blatant theft from big box stores. You walk in, you fill out a car and you just walk the fuck out. So that's what we did. And he he just needed someone to distract the person in the department that he needed. Because he and the people that were in his crew crew, they all specialized in different things. And so James didn't steal like cool shit, you know, it was not like TVs, James stole scrapbooking supplies from Hobby Lobby. And then resold it on eBay. It's a fucking lemon, right? It's a fucking. Oh, no, he had a lot of money in a great house. Absolutely. And so I helped him out with that for a while. And one day we made a run from Kansas City to St. Louis and back and hit like all the Hobby Lobbies, all the Michaels, all the

Joanne fabrics and crafts, you know, and we get back and he dropped me off and he had to go do a pill deal because he of course he did also sell drugs. And then a couple hours later, he called me and he was bragging about the pill deal is like, Oh, I just did this big oxy deal. And I all this money, he's like, Oh, would you fuck me for $2,500? And I'm like, absolutely. Yes, absolutely. I would. And he was like kind of take he was like, Oh, but like, first of all, how could you think I would say no $2,500 is that's good money, you know, for very little effort. I was going to fuck him for free, you know, if he was accurate to his pictures, which he wasn't. But so he was like, Well, I don't I don't have it all in cash. Well, would you fuck me for $500?

And I was like, Yeah, yeah, I would my rent was like $455 at the time. Of course, I'm gonna fuck you for $500. But then I was like, you know, then I had to ask about the details. I was like, Well, no anal. And he's like, That's fine, you make the rules. And I was like, Okay, I'm not sucking anything. And he's like, That's okay, you make the rules. I'm like, Really? Is that okay? Okay. I go, Whoa, whoa, whoa, how many times do I have to do it? And he was like, Um, you tell me. And so I was like, Okay, I'll do it one time. And he's like, No, no, no, 500. I want more. So I ended up doing it two times. But and then he ended up fucking me out of money over the the stealing stuff. Not I mean, he paid me for the fucking he didn't pay me fully for the stealing.

And what he paid me for the fucking the $500 he paid me for the fucking was the exact amount of money he he fucked me out of on the stealing. Yeah. And then he blew town and went back to Florida. You know, I don't know where else he would be from. But so I realized though, like, it really made me think about that think about sex for money and sex work and, you know, what was standing in the way of me doing that. Because I'd fucked like, a ton of dudes for free. You know, and even bought like many guys enough drinks to like get them drunk and out, you know, and that's a terrible thing to do to someone. But that's, that's fine. And so I, you know, I thought about that. And I thought about like the the morals and the ethics. And

I was never taught that sex was something like special, you know, I was never taught that it was like something that you have to, you really have to love the person. And this is what two people who are in love do. And, you know, there's doves flying around and flowers are blooming. I was never, I was never taught that. And so after fucking so many guys that didn't give a shit about me for free, I just sort of dawned on me like, what am I doing? You know, I can, I can get laid and paid, you know, I can have the dream. So I started doing stuff on Craigslist when I was in Kansas City, I was still living there. And I started doing sex work on Craigslist. And I would look for any ad that mentioned roses, because that's dollars. And I would answer, like

at first, when I first realized I was one of those people that could, you know, compartmentalize and, and, you know, separate like, business fucking from pleasure sex, you know, I just was answering every ad, every ad, I mean, ads, I had no business answering shit, I had no idea how to do, I figured like, I was like, well, it's sex, like, I'll figure it out. And I didn't always figure it out. One time I broke a paddle on a guy's ass, and he asked me to leave his house, and then deducted the price of the paddle from what he paid me. But then I stopped, I don't remember why I stopped. I think no, no, no, so we guys will put out like what they want, and what they're willing to pay for it on Craigslist. Yeah. Well, they won't say dollars,

though, they'll say roses. So you look under casual encounters. And, you know, you'll see like, oh, come watch me jerk off in a parking lot. I have 75 roses for you. One time I, I took a guy's virginity, well, I thought I took a guy's virginity afterwards, you know, my friend, I thought I took a guy's virginity, and I did it really cheap, because he was like, oh, I'm 23, and I'm just out of college, and I can't afford to pay you much. And I was trying to be a really good person with it, I was trying to be sort of like, you know, I was trying to, I was trying to help people with my pussy. So I was like, well, you know what, that's fine, I'll do it. And he was like, I can take you out to dinner on my dad's credit card. And it was so

cute. And so after I did this, I called my friend Justin, and I was bragging about what a good person I was, I was just like, I'm such a good person. This boy, I took his virginity, he was so sweet, I was nice to him. And Justin's like, you're stupid. And I'm like, no, I'm a good person. And he's like, how do you know he's a virgin? And I was like, well, because he said so. And then it just all sort of hit me. And then I stopped trying to, you know, be Mother Teresa about it and just stopped trying to force the goodness. You've met some characters. Oh, yeah. You've seen the fucking dark side. I have definitely seen the dark side. You know, you dealt with people that are addicted to sex in a shorter way. And I was addicted to coke. I was addicted to drugs. So when you're

telling me, I'm substituting these. It's all the same thing. It's all the same thing. But you know, that's the same thing with day jobs. It's all the fucking same. If it's not what I want to do, you know, comedy, if I'm not paying my bills through comedy, through storytelling, through being on stage, then I don't give a fuck what I'm doing. You know, I don't care. I'm given a hand job, big deal. It's like less degrading to me than bringing some bitch like extra lemons for her water, you know, it's, it's, it's all the same thing. Same addiction. Same job. It's all the same. I think when I moved to snowmass, I was 19 years old. I lived in Aspen, Colorado. And I used to work security at a hotel. And every fucking time somebody checked in,

they could be a couple. And he would look at me weird. Like, like, and then he would come back to the hallway and he'd go, hey, you know, anybody. And I didn't know he was, I really did not know what the fuck they were talking about. And then after a while, people says, hey, there's escorts that come and these guys are married. They got an extra fucking room. I was like, what the fuck. So you leave your wife in room 212 and go to 318 and fuck somebody else and then just walk out. But then I equaled it to drugs. Like, I would, I would bust into somebody's door and take that fucking drugs and broad daylight when I even thinking about it. But the whole sexual thing has always been, I'm not good at it.

I'm clunky. No, I'm clunky. It just never worked out for me ever since I was a kid. A lot of people are. Yeah. I'm fucking bad. So it's like something that I've never lost my mind over. Do you know what I'm saying? I knew my mom raised me and I knew that when she said something when I was a kid, I couldn't think about what she was saying. She goes, you can't fuck everybody. And I always older. I said, you know what? These girls, you meet, you ask them out. They say, no, most guys don't talk to them anymore. These guys are allies. So you become their friends, you know, and you have, it's so weird how I always looked at it.

It was never a losing situation for me if I asked. But when I lived in Nassman, I remember walking around thinking to myself, I'm 19 years old. What am I doing if I was a woman right now? No college education. Let's say I was a woman and I was banging. What the fuck would I be doing in Nassman? Working on a t-shirt store, giggling. You can get these guys for a thousand a night. They're flying in. It's in their budget. They got the cash three, four nights a week, four weeks, you know, three weeks a month. You got 12 grand. Yeah. That's 140 grand a fucking year or something like that. After five years. All unclaimed. All unclaimed after five years, you could buy a house,

go to Beverly Hills, redo your pussy and nobody knows a fucking thing. Yeah. Nobody knows nothing. Done. You relocate to Massachusetts and you live like Henry Hill and the rest of your life. And you got a house, you got a little bit of peace of mind as a woman. No one knows your past. No one knows your past. You know, I always thought about it. I'm like, how do girls not do this? But then as you grow, you know, you meet different women, you go, I get it. I don't get it. I get it. It's never been a big line with me. Like, I really don't give a fuck to me. It's like, you want to get naked. I've always been one of those dudes. But when I was growing up in Jersey, we would go to the city to peep shows. Yeah. All

right. And that always seemed the fucking lowest and death for me. Like what I saw was crazy. Like, I used to go to ones on 42nd Street and they'd have the rotating table and then be some chick with a cesarean scar fucking doped up and some junkie just fucking her. And you'd see the acidic Jews in the windows at eight in the morning, they go fucking whacking off and shit. And you'd say, this is a complete different fucking world. Yeah. Like this is crazy. And as soon as you open the door and you step out, a guy comes in with a bucket with water hot water and just mobs goes out and you step right the fucking least I had. It was surreal, surreal. How many guys, how big that business is. And then they have the ones that the window opens and you can suck

their tits and shit like that. And my friend, Pat, Pat was busy on the eighth grade. Got his neck stuck. He didn't hear the ringer. He didn't hear the fucking ringer. He got his head stuck in there the eighth grade. Oh, that's hilarious. Have you ever done any porn or just just like the dancing? I not really. I did this. I did this one thing. It was a Craigslist thing back in Kansas City. They were looking for women to read stories, read dirty stories topless. And it was like 250 bucks and that was more than I'd gotten off Craigslist for a little while. And so I was no big deal. I'll do that. And I had some of the chest tattoos. So I bought makeup to try and cover them up so I'd be anonymous. And I didn't know anything about makeup or hair at the time.

And I took my gay best friend with me as my security and he brought this guy that he had just started dating. It was like their second date. And it was this hotel room. It was like a middle age couple. You know, could have been anyone. They weren't like flashy. They weren't porny. They were just they were just like middle age Midwestern couple. And they just set it up and filmed me reading a story about my name was my name was Janessa from Denver. And it was a story about how I was a glory whole girl. And they sent me a link to it after it was done. And I watched it once and it was absolutely horrible. Just terrible horrible. But I figured no one's probably going to look at that. And if they do, they get what they, you know,

yeah, no, no, there's no I have no judgment about it. But it's just that that's the one thing that I feel is like we'll go away as much maybe like if you were I think the emotional scars won't go away. You know, if you have like, yeah, you get well, I just meant like a like what if you were going to strip in like Wyoming and try to hide out later in life that's possible with with videos. It's kind of on the internet. I don't know. I mean, I think that there's just so much porn out there. There's so many videos that I don't, I don't, I mean, I know that that's a concern for a lot of people. But I've never really cared about that. You know, I'll let feet guys, if I get foot customers, I'll let them take a picture of my feet after they're done with them. I mean, I know feet aren't

really a defy of tattoos on my toes. So they're kind of a little more personalized. But I just never really cared about it. You know, I just never figured that anything in like such a huge sea of material, like one person, like who's going to stumble on your video? I know it's happened. But I just talked to a girl about a month and a half ago. She used to hang out at the Ha Ha Cafe. You know what man, that whole time I knew I had no, no idea what she did until she hit me up on Twitter one day. I was in Long Island and she goes, I live here now. Can you leave me tickets in the afterward? I didn't see her. So I didn't think she really showed up and then she hit me a few days later. She thanked me. She said, all right, got drunk and they had to leave.

So something happened. She called. She sent me her number for something that we just tweeted back and forth. And I finally was on the road. And then I, well, let me call him down. I called him the day time. And that's when she told me her whole story. She goes, you didn't know what I was doing. I was a camera girl. Like when you put the money in the camera, I guess. Yeah. And then she goes, but before that, I did porn. And she goes, but the cam stuff was, she was all cracked up and stuff. Because when I met her, she was really skinny. So I couldn't tell what was going on. I knew something was not legit. It wasn't a healthy skinny. Yeah. It was, hello, goodbye. That was a funny joke. Is that your dog? Shit like that. That was very light. So she was telling me that she went

back to New York, gained the weight, went to a rehab, got a job in a restaurant as a waitress. And after six weeks, one of the guys in the restaurant said something to her. And she knows it's been a hell of a sense for me at the restaurant. I thought, well, you should just quit and get a job. She was not that easy. Yeah. She pays a car payment and a rent and this restaurant pays well. It's a good clientele. So, but I think with the internet, it's just a matter of fucking time. You know, that's fucking crazy people out there. And that's one thing that Lee doesn't know, but you know, and I know. I mean, just now when you said foot guys that just come in and just want to whack off on your feet, you know, they just want to do crazy

shit. Yeah. You sit there from my world. I think it's crazy from their world. They think it's crazy. I wake up at seven and smoke dope. You follow me? So yeah, there's, there's a little the fuck gets up at seven and smoke pot in the morning, but I go somewhere and jerk off on some poor lady's feet or something like that. What do you charge a guy to whack off on your feet? Well, I mean, technically I don't do that, of course, because I work legally. Yeah. It would probably be, you know, generally if it's 200 roses or more, I'm negotiable for almost, almost anything, almost anything. Feet guys, I have a soft spot for because the stripper shoes hurt and I do like a foot rub. So I will, uh, you know, I'll give you a foot rub. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Feet guys will give you a foot rub. They'll suck on your toes. They don't care how dirty they are. The dirtier, the better usually. And so, you know, it's no big deal. You want to jerk off on my feet. You want me to give you a foot job? Like, I don't mind that you're nice enough to rub my feet, even though that's what you're into. So, you know, really, you're just getting more than you paid for, but that's okay. I had a friend of mine, Roger, one time. I said, you still got blowjobs on those checks? No, not anymore. I changed my act. They jerked me off with their feet. I thought it was a joke. Obviously, that's true. I first, uh, discovered that when I was married, I would, um, have my husband fuck my feet. Not, we didn't like, he wasn't a foot guy.

I wasn't a foot girl, but I just, I wanted to feel like I was still being affectionate towards him, but I had already started hating him. So I figured that that was like the way to do it, while still like keeping some distance between us. Fuck my feet. But yeah, it was nice. Like, it feels like a nice, uh, like having a dick in the, in the arch, you know, it feels like a, it's a foot rub. It's, it's very nice. You just talked to me about that. Like a fucking sneaker with a dick in the arch. Chinese people be jumping up and down and shit all day. Now, I mean, you're a real fucking deal. I didn't know this other side. I just thought you danced in the glass, protected nobody messed with you. Are you scared at times? I mean, I look at you and

I can tell that you're tough and you've been in some situations. Um, I've had in the four years that I've worked at the, at the private show place I've had, uh, at arrow station, I've had three customers the entire time that I was uncomfortable with. And one of them, I kept the heel of my shoe right here in the, in his neck to keep him on the couch because he kept trying to get up and I kept saying, get the fuck down, sit the fuck down. And he just kept trying to get up. So I was like, I just put my foot there and I just let the timer run out. Um, and then there were two guys that were just creepy. They just had just a, I just, you know, really, really bad feeling and not like they're going to jump on me and rape me, but more like they, they would kill me.

Like they would kill me in weird, which is that sort of really weird energy. But, um, um, I don't have a lot of fear of it. Uh, I, in 2014, this is kind of, this is going to sound kind of ignorant, but I don't really care. Uh, in 2014, a guy broke into my apartment and assaulted me. Uh, I didn't know him. He wasn't a customer. It was nothing like that. It was just fucking maybe not random. It was random that it was me. It was not random that it was that apartment, that apartment had problems before. That doesn't matter anyway. Uh, I didn't fight back. I just yelled at him until he left. I was in shock. He woke me up with it. It was not, I didn't have time to really think about my reaction. And, um, so I didn't get

to fight back. I didn't get to like, you know, I didn't get to fight and I didn't, I stayed away from work for like a week. And when I went back, I didn't know if I could do it. I went back and I was like, I don't know how I'm going to feel about these situations and being in the room. If I'm going to be like too nervous, if it's going to like traumatize me, retraumatize or whatever. Um, but it, I actually felt stronger and I felt less nervous about saying no and setting boundaries. And if the customer got upset, big fucking deal. You get upset. Fine. No refunds. You're upset. Big deal. Oh, you want to do something about it? Good. Give me the chance. You know, give me the chance to fight back. And that's the part that I think is

ignorant because, you know, I feel like now, like now I will, I think I could, I could fight any man and I know in reality that's, you know, I'm five two out of the shoes. It's not, it's probably wouldn't work out very well, but it keeps me feeling, you know, maybe it's a false sense of security, but it's some sort of sense of security. And that's enough. Usually. Then five foot two. Well, the shoes though, I mean, the shoes are very, very, like they're dangerous. They're very dangerous. You know, the heels of those things, like I said, I put the heel in the guy's throat because I knew if he, I knew if he moved, you know, if he tried to come at me with the heel in his

throat, terrible things would happen to him. So I don't know, maybe I feel like I wear weapons on my feet and that gives me, it's fucking crazy that you do this and guys are a little with you. And even if the arrow thinks there's people there, there's guys there, there's cameras, there's gotta be some security. There's the cashier who sits in the store up front. And you know, you're never too far away from the other girl working. So should you scream or should something bad happen, she would probably hear before the cashier, but something I mean, like it wouldn't, I'm not worried about it. I don't, I feel very safe there. Most of our clientele have been there for years and you know, I mean, we do get new guys, but

usually they find out about the place from regular customers. So usually the guys that come in, even new ones sort of know the drill and they're, they're, they're better behaved than many guys that I've just dated on the outside, like for free. Now you still date? Yeah. No steady? Not, not no, no, currently no. You tell them what you know?

Yeah. They just look at you and go, oh, they go. Well, I mean, it hasn't been easy. No, it's not easy. And there's some, some guys think that because that's my job, then automatically we're not going to be monogamous because automatically if I'm given some due to hand job for work, they can go out and fuck some girl they needed a bar and clearly it's the same thing. I don't feel that way.

You know, and when I had a steady boyfriend, I did, I did back off of what I did. I was a bit, a bit more chased with it, you know, but Now you work a lot of hours. Yeah. You put in some fucking hours. You're busy girl. Yep. This place today you're working 11 to one or something?

I don't want to do it. 10 a.m. to 1 a.m. So I had a girl come in to cover the couple hours I'd be gone and then I go back and stay there till 1 a.m. And it's busy the whole day? No, no, no, no, it's dead. I did one show today. I had one customer.

We call them shows because that's what they technically are. How many days a week? It depends. Usually I do four or five shifts. This week I have, let's see, I worked yesterday double today. So one, two, three, I work Friday day and Sunday day. So I'll do five shifts this week. And it's, it's, we were closed for like three months because of licensing issues.

So we just opened up. So not all of our regular customers know that we're open again. And so it's been, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's always kind of dead, but it's been, it's been pretty dead the past couple weeks. I'm so good. I've got all sorts of water. Now you do comedy.

How much comedy do you go out and a lot during the week? Do you get out? You know, I worked the road pretty steadily until I moved out to LA five years ago. And, you know, I was featuring and can't really always afford to fly back to the Midwest or fly anywhere for feature money. It's a, it's a fucking nightmare. So I, I just didn't really, I didn't really realize that, I didn't realize that people didn't come to LA to work the road,

that they came here to stay here and, and write shitty TV shows or good TV shows, you know, to write and to do movies. I just, I thought that moving out here would help me on the road. I thought it would help me, you know, I read the art of war and I thought that this was attacking the enemy from a different location. And, uh, yeah. So I, I thought that I was coming out here to like really build up my career. And I came out here and it really fucking killed it.

So this is a different animal. Yeah. It's a different animal. You have to be prepared for it in a lot of ways. Um, you have to be at the right place at the right time. You don't know what the fuck that is. Yeah. Let me know what the fuck that is.

You know, that's why I got into sex work out here because it was the only job I could find that would be flexible enough to allow me to travel. And when I did, when I first moved out here, I was traveling the first couple of years, I was still on the road a bit, but, um, you know, that's why I got into it out here. It was the only thing I could find that would let me still do comedy. Um, so that's, it's worked out well. I run a couple of shows in town. I mean, and I do get up fairly regularly.

Definitely usually at least a couple of times a week. So you bang it out. You bang out the fucking comedy. Yeah. You bang out the work, you travel. Yeah. Cause you were just gone for 10 days. Yep.

I did the fringe festival in Kansas city. It was my 10th year doing it. Now what's the fringe festival? It's just, well, it's like the one in Edinburgh. These are all, like all the domestic ones are just kind of off shoots of that one. So it's sort of a, uh, performing arts festival. The Kansas city one, I don't really know about a lot of the others. Kansas city has a visual arts component too and a film component as well.

But, um, it's primarily performance art. A lot of, a lot of shows and a lot of performers that wouldn't get into other festivals. It's more accessible for them. And there's a lot more experimental, uh, performances. So I've done, in 10 years, let's see, I started doing it when I was, uh, performing when I was doing a lot of burlesque. And then when I moved out here in 2011, I started doing,

I started, I would go back for it and I would do solo shows. And this one that I just did is my third, was my third solo show. And, uh, and I got my first, uh, standing up, first two standing ovations in 20 years of doing comedy, first two standing ovations. Good for you, man. Yeah. I didn't know what was happening, the first one, because I say, I just go goodnight and I get off stage and I go backstage and they just kept clapping.

And I was back there and I'm like, well, they'll stop. And then they didn't. And I was like, what the fuck are they doing? Why aren't they stopping? Stop clapping. And then my tech guy came back and he's like, you know, you're supposed to go back out there. And I'm like, why would I go back out there? The show's over.

And he goes, well, they're standing up and they're clapping. And I was like, what? What are you talking about? It was something. Yeah. That was a, that was a real like changer. Let me ask you this. Is there an end game?

Is there one day you wake up and you go to that home? Yeah. So that box anymore and dancing or whatever. Oh yeah. Yeah. When I, when I don't have to, when I don't need to have that job to pay my bills. Absolutely. Absolutely.

And now does the, uh, is comedy still like that dream? Like when a guy like me comes in and wants to freaking freak out and you're like, wait a second. I have a dream. I have a dream. So is that still your dream to do comedy? You still feel it? Yeah. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Comedy storytelling. Absolutely. Like those are the solar shows that combine those two. And I really like, I really like that format. You know, I like not performing with so many limitations with comedy. Like if you're just in a mainstream comedy club, they have expectations. You're going to get up there.

Within 30 seconds, you're going to have a laugh, which I never had a problem with FYI. But, you know, they, you want to premise set up punchline premise set up punchline. They don't want a lot of deviation. And, uh, with storytelling shows, they don't really want stand up. But if I do my own show, if it's a solo show, I can do whatever I want to do. And I just go with it. Yeah. You can just go in and stand up, dance, jump up and down, tell a story.

Absolutely. And start all over again. So it's pretty innovative. I like that idea. Yeah. I work better when I don't have a lot of like, when I don't have limitations, I work better. I work better without like a lot of things imposed rules imposed on me. I was raised to not really respect authority.

And, uh, and so I think that's, I don't know, I think that's probably why I had problems with a few club owners. Do you ever talk about your, uh, your sex work on stage? Because I was thinking like, it's amazing that more comics don't do that. Cause like Joey, you had a life, like a crazy life before stand up. Now, Juliana, you, you know, it's a life that not a lot of people can relate. Like they can't, they can't even imagine. So it'll be pretty cool.

I would, if like to talk about it. I talk about the stripping. And if I'm doing the storytelling, then I feel like it's easier to talk about the sex work to get more into it. But I think with just stand up, it would take so much time to explain what I do that, you know, any jokes that come from it, it's too much setup. It's too much setup required to. Well, for a comedy club, once you say fucking stripper, you lose the guys.

That's it. They look at you from a different perspective now. Yeah. Like now the women are like, what the fuck? Yeah. So it's kind of weird. I can soften that because my jokes are really the jokes about being a stripper. How about how bad I was when I was at a strip club?

I mean, I was terrible. I was just horrible. I'd done burlesque and I didn't think there was, I thought that was stripping and it's so not. And I was just, I just was there. I was at his topless joint right up on linkersham star garden. And this girl that hired me was someone I knew from burlesque. And so I just didn't realize there was like much of a difference.

So I was up on stage wearing like fringed panties and I was trying to do like glove peels and these guys were just sitting there like, what are you doing? Just show us your tits and don't smile, you know? And yeah. So I think that because I'm coming at it from not a perspective of like, I was a great stripper. I am a powerful stripper. I think because, but isn't that the truth with most comedy? Like the underdog always, always is appreciated.

You know, nobody wants to hear you talk about how great you are. Everyone wants to hear about like what you've overcome. I mean, in a funny way, of course, everyone wants to hear about how the bad times, ah, but we can laugh at them, you know, nobody wants to hear about how great your day went. Unless it went great for a really weird reason, you know, nobody wants to hear about the day you checked off everything on your to-do list. You know, well, I went to the post office today, everything went fine. I went to the grocery store, everything was fine.

Picked up the kids, they were a treat. Nobody, that's not funny, you know? If your to-do list includes like, I fucking, I ended up in Mexico trying to buy pills and everything went fine and everything went great. That's different. But nobody wants to hear about benign bullshit. I don't think. They just bought to the improv and stuff.

I know that, right? One of my shows is at the improv. And you, what's the show at the improv? It's called Be Funny. It's a standup spelling bee. Okay. I'm a really good speller. I'm a stripper that can spell really well.

And then what's the other show you do? The other one is called Dirty Birdie Story Hour and it's a storytelling show themed around deviance, not just sexual, but any kind of deviance. And that's at three clubs in Hollywood. Second one. Oh, shit. Anytime you would grace my stage, you know. You hit it from all fucking angles, don't you?

Yeah. That's tremendous, man. And I'm starting another show, actually, on my birthday, August 22nd, and it's a brand new concept. I don't think anyone has ever done it. It's not standup. It's not storytelling. It's something else.

What is it? Conversations. It's called We Need To Talk. And it's a celebration of the lost art of conversation because I'm tired of not talking to people. I'm tired of just looking at my phone or texting people. I went, I went on like a pre-date with a guy that I was really, really into. And we texted and I'm really great at texting.

I'm really great at it. I was witty. I was charming. Awesome. And then I went to hang out with him. And I mean, granted, I was pretty high, but he was too. And we were sitting on opposite couches and it just felt like a job interview. And I couldn't just, I couldn't have like a natural conversation with this person.

And I just, I hate that. I want to be able to have conversations again. And I think that everyone should have conversations again. Get out of the phone, you know, just face out of the phone and talk to a person. So that's, uh, that's what I'm doing. It's a show comprised of 10, five minute conversations with me, um, seven booked, three audience members. That's crazy.

Try it. You never, I listen to that. At least you're working from, you know what you want to do. A lot of comics come out here and you made some great points tonight with the conventional comedy. And when you go to a comedy club, you don't want to fuck around. You know what I'm saying? You could, you could fuck around the middle, but they want you to grab them. They want you to sell drinks.

They want you to do a thousand things. So it's the business side of it. Yesterday I was sitting there. It's funny how I learned to become a comic at the comedy store, but I learned the comedy business at the improv. It's so weird when I grabbed from both those clubs, you know, and the improv, they're great because they're open to ideas. You go up to the improv and I want to do this show.

Okay, we'll give it a shot for three weeks and we get people talking about other things, you know, but like I'm done. Like people come to me all the time and go, I have no idea the way to do it. What is it? It's a stand-up show for TV. I don't think people want to watch that anymore. You have the show on fucking whatever. You have Comedy Central and you have HBO and you have Showtime.

You know, what kind of show are you going to do? I was always looking for a show like what you're saying. You know, maybe half storytelling, 10 minutes of comedy with a panel. I don't fucking know, but it's 2017 and it's time to mix it up a little bit. I don't have the balls. Like I've always spoken to leader traveling with the podcast and I just don't have the balls and I don't have the time. I don't have the time to travel with the podcast.

Because you're busy traveling for comedy and doing comedy stuff. Yeah, I'm doing comedy stuff. So, and I'm burnt down. I'm an old fucking man. It takes a lot of you to fly. This last week I flew and I don't feel too fucking good. Well, I mean, please feel free to pass any gigs that you are too tired to do. No, no, no, no, what I do is what I do is listen, I know my situation.

So I book light. I know what I can do and I know what I can't do. Yeah. You know, I know, I know already. So ask me and I'll tell you, I know what I can do and I know what I can't do. You know, I have a family. So I got to be there between four and seven, four and seven thirties. So I just have all these little restrictions on me now.

Not to mention when I go to the comedy store, I get home at 12 fucking 45. Yeah. That means I fall asleep at two. That means I'm behind the fucking eight ball. So that's the other thing that I'm thinking about lately. Like just doing comedy on the road and just staying in during the week and doing the fucking podcast. You know, it's so weird. Lee and I, before you came to talk about the process and part of the process is

obstacles that get thrown at you and you have to fucking go around them to continue your life, to make your life run smooth, you know. And who the fuck knew I was going to have a fucking baby at 50, you know? Who the fuck knew the podcast was going to make people come to comedy shows? Who the fuck knew? I didn't know. But you talk, you do something, you stick to it. They feel your belief.

And next thing you know, the wheels are in fucking motion. You know, Lee, when we started this podcast and that fucking office before the baby was born, did you think we'd have an office down here five years later? And the process has been tremendous. What was part, what was the whole fucking process? We just stuck with it. We didn't do nothing that nobody else didn't fucking do. And I think I just answered my own inner turmoil.

I was just about to say like, I didn't think about it. I didn't really, I was just having fun doing the podcast. I really never thought about five years down the road. And that's weird for me because that's usually what I obsess about. Yeah. So yeah, oh yeah. I didn't think about like things like like business things or where things are going when I was first doing comedy.

And I really burned a lot of bridges that I was never able to rebuild. So did I. Yeah. So did I. I didn't think I was going to get this far. I didn't think I was going to stick with it. So I didn't really give a fuck. I didn't really give a fuck.

You know, I thought about it from a convenience. At first, you know, we're all our noses open and we want to take every gig. But then one day you talk to a friend of yours and he's like, don't do that fucking gig. Yeah. That guy's a thief or whatever. And then you start saying, no, you start making little fucking moves. You know, I fucked up. I mean, I wouldn't send the tape.

Like I just refuse to send and say, why you send your fucking tape? All right. Look, who's your feature this week? Susanna get around the fucking hotel phone right now. We worked two weeks ago. What the fuck tape? You're not going to look at the fucking tape. I've never gotten anything for tape.

No. So that's why I never sent the tape. I refused. I refused. And you know what's funny? I got three jobs from blank tapes because they don't look at the tapes. It's just a control type. And I've told young comics before.

Now it's completely different because now you're on YouTube. Now they just go on YouTube and they fucking find you and you're dead. You know, so right there is that talking to you. Right there is that talking to you. And what do you do? I'm a feature. Okay. They put an earbud on and they're talking to you.

Yeah. Okay. And they see if you're dirty or not and shit. Right? Do they go, okay. Email me your veils in three weeks and I'll let you know what's going on. Whatever. But there were just things I thought were just powerful.

So I didn't fucking like it. I didn't appreciate. Yeah. You know, you and I are the same animal. A lot of ways I'm sitting here looking at you going, we're the same animal in a lot of ways. The only problem with me is I'm half approved. Like I'm half a fucking prude.

That probably makes it even better. Just the fact that she could like make you blush. Oh no. She knows it though. I'm like, I'm my fucking, you know, I'm like a half a fucking prude. So I could have gone the other way. I just wouldn't know what service I could have offered you. I couldn't offer no fucking services.

No women. I'm clunky and shit. Are there guys that do that? Fuck yeah. Yeah. For women? Yeah. Fuck yeah.

The American jiggler was sure rich and gear. 81. Stop it. Going over to Freaks houses. Right over in Belly Hills getting three grand a pop. Yeah. Silk shirts and shit at least. We'll make you one of those motherfuckers down there.

Going down there slinging dick down there. Some little, you gotta give him a back rub firstly. You know what I'm hiding? I just never imagined a girl would want that. Well, like a lot of, you know, best case scenario, high powered rich women don't want the bullshit of dating. So they're like, okay, I need someone to go with me to this event. Let me find someone real pretty.

Yeah, that's badass. And then he's gonna fuck me afterwards because I'm gonna pay him enough money, you know? And I don't, well, I don't want to say anything. Go, go. What the fuck? I think a lot of those, a lot of the jiggalos are gay or gay men. Why?

Just so they don't have any like emotional feeling for it or like? I don't, I don't know if that's the reason. I don't know if it's like, I don't know. I mean, I know there's straight men that do it too, but I don't know if they get like overly excited, like, like a little dog just jumping up like, oh, I get to fuck you for money. Oh, yay. You know, I don't know if it's that or if it's, if it's just,

I'm not really sure because I've never really, it's not, that's not my bag. Yeah, I was gonna say then, like, I would like to pretend that that wouldn't be me, but if anyone offered me that, that would be, I think I might just pass out. Why don't we put you on fucking the magazine show? Craigslist. Craigslist, cute little Jew come over your house and holocaust you pussy. Oh, tremendous. With a picture hit line.

I forgot about it. You'll be getting 10 fucking calls an hour. So that only you'll be making 10% off. You're making fucking a $2 a day. That's it right there. That's great. And listen, I just found my out. Listen, Ron Jeremy, he's never won a fucking Mr. American contest.

And he made millions of dollars fucking fucking women. Yeah. But I don't have Ron Jeremy's dick. Who knows? Maybe you got something different. Maybe you got the ass of a star. Maybe women will love your legs. They'll say, God, I have legs like Elvis.

They love the hair on your legs. You shit like that. You never know. Lee, you gotta give me a shot. There's a fetish category for, for whatever you are. Whoever you are, whatever you have. There's someone that wants to watch it. Listen, you show up dressed up.

Well, who played? What's Sean Penn? What's that character you played in? You show up dressed like Kleinfeld, the fucking attorney Jew and fucking, what's that movie? Carlino's way. Remember? I didn't see that one.

See, this is why I can't talk to you. Well, I can't talk to you. Well, it's Sean Penn's greatest performance as your fucking son. Because you have to say you can come over dressed as a, as a, as a seed. You can come over dressed as a judge, an attorney. You could be a thousand different fucking characters, Lee. Little rimmed glasses. I got ideas now.

10% goes to Uncle Joey. I can pimp you out down in Beverly Hills called the city and you should bret wood areas. I'm down. Let's do it. That's crazy. Now, the other job you had behind the glass, I can't touch you that correct? There's lap dances there as well. At the other place?

Yeah. Where I went to then. Peep shows and lap dances and so technically no, you can't touch, but you know, lap dances or lap dances and if you tip, you know, they're better lap dances. I thought you just did the boot thing that was in over there. That was always very interesting to me. I thought about you and I said, you know what, man? I got to talk to her why I have this fear of all this sex shit.

Like it just makes me go fuck. Like I feel fucked up when I walk into those places. Well, I mean, they're kind of fucked up places. Like that, that place is dirty, dirty place. Yeah, but I've never gone to one of those places that ain't dirty. That's what gives it a certain place. Right, exactly. That's the poetry of it.

That's what I loved about it. I went to a place one time that I don't know if people have PTSD or people had trauma, but I got to tell you something that night fucked me up for a couple of years because I saw some weird shit that night in the early eighties. New York City was a fucking, you know, just a king of that shit. But I was in the fucking seventh grade. I had these two brothers, Juan and Alberto Ali. One was legit.

The other one got hit in the head with a rock. In fact, one day I hit him in the head with a fucking rock. I threw it up in the air. He looked up and hit him right here and he had a lump with a fucking cyst in the middle. But we used to hit each other with light bulbs from Durotest, like the long ones and little ones because they would always have dysfunctional fucking light bulbs and they'd just throw them in the dumps. Anyway, they make a long story short.

These kids were in the fucking eighth grade. She'd be 13. Alberto was stupid. So he was maybe 15, but he was still in the eighth grade. Two different classes. They came from Cuba so they don't speak English. So until you learn, they just kept you in the seventh grade. And then when you got to the seventh grade and be 16 or driving,

they put you in a program called the pilot program. And you went into high school as a sophomore. So it was kind of weird. But anyway, to make a long story short, I've even been in the seventh and eighth grade with Alberto and Juan. And they would come to school on Monday and break down. They would take a bus to the Bronx and go to a place and they'd take you to a place and you picked a girl.

And my heart would stop as they were telling me the stories, how the chick would wash your dick and then she would fuck you, ask you what you wanted. And it was like cheap. I would sit there and go, what the fuck are you talking about? And I never thought about it. My perverted mind. And years later, I went out with these guys one night.

The kid had a candy truck and they took me over to this place called a 1040. And it was 999 plus tax, 10 fucking 40. It's 1982, 1040. And I don't remember if you paid when you were back there. I don't remember if you paid extra when you were back there, but they threw you into a lounge. All of these guys were cloned on. They were looking to score all night.

Like those guys come in like one in the morning, now they can't score. So they want to get some pussy. And I don't forget to ask him like, Pablo, you can want it. It was one. I go, you come here a lot. And he's like, yeah, I come here all the time.

It's great. The girls are great. They were from another country. They were fucking speak the language. They were scared to be there. And they were fucking Susanna in cubicles. Yeah. Like there was no room, Jack.

It was office cubicles. And you would just go into the office cubicle. And that was just a wall. And she would take a bucket out from under the bed and pour water on it. And they had a sponge and she'd wash your dick. Let me explain some to you. I had never experienced anxiety. So this was when I started washing my dick with this fucking sponge.

And then she asked me what I wanted to do. I couldn't even talk to Susanna. I was like, I can't even talk. So I just laid down. She got on top of me. And she started bouncing and I couldn't stop. Like thinking of all the shit that was going to happen to me. Like I just couldn't stop.

Like the bed kept going. Great, great, great. It was one of those beds that you just opened up. And there was a thin mattress in the middle. And it had been used for years. And she's on top of here. I don't know what to do. So I couldn't come.

I couldn't react. I just lay there in the middle. After two minutes, she just stopped. And she goes, you know, for an extra $10, you can eat my pussy. And I remember like I just threw her off me. And I just put my pants on and ran out of there. And that was it for me. That was it.

Like that was it for me. Was it the impersonal nature of it? Or the fact that it was reduced to such a business endeavor? Both, both, both. It was just fucking horrific. I couldn't believe guys were in there. Like it just fucking killed me. And then, you know, I was half a fag.

I had regular girlfriends and shit. I didn't really know nothing about nothing. And then when I got into comedy in 91, I got divorced. And I started doing comedy. And I started meeting people on the road. And I met this one girl that just took me for the ride of my life. I still talk to her. I still talk to her.

She's crazy. She's got two kids now. She married an Indian dude that was 80. And he died and left the three million. All this shit. Oh yeah. But she still strips once a week in the town over. So I think she lives like in Sarasota.

She strips in Tampa. And she's got a living boyfriend. He doesn't know what she's just a fucking animal. You know, she's just a real deal. You can't even contain that shit with the animalistic shit in her heart. But I got to tell you something. At that time, I had been to prison. I had done a thousand things.

She was telling me shit. But I was like, my jaw would dry. Like she was telling me stories of her going to college and some guy was paying her rent in a fucking once a week. And that's it. Sugar daddy. Yeah. He just come over, fuck her and leave.

He didn't care what she did. Nothing. If she had to take a trip somewhere, she would go with him and he'd give an extra three thousand fucking dollars. It was just, I didn't know about this world. I swear to God, I had no idea about this world, man. It was fucking crazy. So I ended up dating her for like four years.

And it was just, it was just an experience going to pick her up at the strip club. Like, you know, and then driving home. But I just felt fucking. And it was weird because a friend of mine always says that one day I got really funny. When her and I broke up, everything in my life changed. Because it seemed like me being with her was holding me back. Like something was fucking with me. And it was, it really was fucking with me.

You know, she was on a strip club. She was hustling. I knew what she was fucking doing. I'm not fucking my daughter. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You can't bullshit a bullshit. You can't fucking do it.

So it just, it's weird. Today I still talk to her because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have been in LA. So I don't forget anybody. Yeah. That's the truth of the matter. She was the one that said, let's go to fucking LA. Let's give her a shot. You know, so I can't put it down for any reason.

There was some walls that got me here. So let me give some shout outs and I'll get you the fuck out of here. It was my glasses. I'm going old. Don't forget Denver this weekend and next Friday the ice house. Dylan Bailey. Beloy. John Cutler and Amy Margaret Oliver.

Crystal Oaks. Daven Cole Jr. Brett Rogers. Joey Rookland making it happen. Randy Hill. Joshua Manculo. Mancuso and Greg and Lynn up there in Seattle. I know you're called Greg.

I didn't forget about you. Cucksucker. That's it. I got to go to Denver this weekend, man. I got to tell you something. I think that's what got me sick this week. Just the thought of going to Denver. The hands of my necks have been sticking up.

You don't have a 26-year-old daughter. No. And she wasn't. I'm sure she wasn't a little bolder. But my ex was a little bolder. We haven't talked. We just don't talk. So every time I go to work at Denver,

I just feel shitty for a few minutes when I go to Denver. You know? I lived in Denver in that area for a long time. And it's a real beautiful city. I always felt like I disrespected it. I got arrested and this is a fucking rocket ship. That's like the fucking Twilight Zone. You know, I always felt like I disrespected it.

Like I got arrested there. I went to prison and fucking bolded. Oh, wow. Yeah. I got caught for kidnapped and bolded and shit. Yeah. Yeah. It was a fun day.

So the crazy thing is that now I've always been ashamed of going back to Colorado. Like I always been in the mountains are beautiful and I disrespected the mountains. You know, I've thought this way for years. So for years, I was banned from this club in Denver. That's what made me leave Denver, getting banned from the comedy works.

Oh, yeah. You follow me? So once I got banned from the comedy works, I was like, what the fuck am I going to do in bold? To work at McKelvie's? Whitson? When we're going to do that? Die to death.

Die. So I had my daughter who was five at the time. And I just talked to her mom and said, I'm going to move to L.A. And then we kept the relationship cool for a few years, but then it just went sour when she was like 10 or 11. They went to England for two years. Oh. So the daughter doesn't talk to you?

No, we don't talk at all. I've tried. You know, I made it happen. But what do you really do? So every time I go back there, just it's just a weird feeling that you get, you know, like your little neck hair stick up and shit. It's fine.

I go back there, do my comedy. I get some green children. I go for a walk in the high altitude. And I get to see, this is the first club I ever got on stage at June 18, 1991. It's the first fucking club that I ever got on stage on. So it's always great to, when I got banned from there, it was pretty, it's really weird.

Leela, before you showed up, we're talking about the process of your life. And the things that happened, what happens to your mind, like you think you're dead, and you're really not ever dead till you're dead. You're not dead till they put you in a fucking casket. You're not dead till you're fucking dead, man, because I thought I was banned from the fucking comedy works.

Like people would say to me, her A, I want to bring Joey Diaz to feature. She'd go down a million years. He's banned for life. And I bumped into her in Denver at the oddball tour. And she goes, are you mad at me? I go, why would I be mad at you? Because of you.

I did something with my life. You forced me to do something. You pushed the hand. I had to come out here and leave and moved to Seattle and start from scratch. So now I'm working for her again. After that, she called my agent. She goes, we had a talk.

I want to book him for my fucking club. So everything, you know, this is where I started. So this is like kind of emotional when I go back there. I get that. I got no ties. I got no warrants, nothing like that. You know, everything's cool. I just go back there and relax and do comedy and eat chili.

I'm looking fucking forward to it, man. I really am. I'm looking forward to this weekend. It's one of those weekends. This is one of the best clubs in the country. Every other stuff, fuck that. No, I talked to her on the phone once in the 90s. Yeah, the comedy works downtown.

That's a, it's been there a long time. It's been there for sure for 25 years because that's when I stepped on the fucking stage and it was probably there 15 years before that. So they have another one now. That's the more suburbia I would make. That's the improv, right? No, the improv.

The comedy works has two locations. The comedy works has two locations and then the improv. The improv is a nice club. I worked that one first. Before I worked the comedy works, I worked the improv. Nice place. I was going into Denver for a burlesque fest and I saw Al Canal on the airport

who was managing the improv at the time and I hadn't seen Al for years. Al's, you know, quote unquote managed me for like a few minutes, real few minutes. And yeah, he said it was a nice place and such a great guy. I think he's back in Missouri now. Listen, man, I'm happy you came in here.

Thank you so much for having me. I didn't think you'd open up as much as you did. It was very interesting. I'm an open book. No, I know. Now, what's the name of the documentary that was Felicia? Felicia's documentary is called Purve

and the web series that I created was called Peeping Comics. And yeah, it should be very interesting. Now, what's a pedophile? A pedophile? Is somebody homeless kids? Yes. Well, someone who was attracted to children.

Someone who was sexually attracted to children. You know, whether they act on it or not, you know, the urges are. Well, before you said pedophile, and I try to put to and to the head. If they're in there giving you a foot rub, they're not pedophiles. No.

But maybe. Maybe they're pedophiles and training, working themselves backwards. And it's a podophile, right? Podiatry is foot doctoring, so it wouldn't. Pod it. Listen, man, let me tell you something. It's an unit.

Let me tell you something. I love a woman's foot in a shoe. I really love a woman's foot in a shoe. When I see a woman's ugly foot, and she's got the wrong fucking shoe, it pisses me to fuck off. You understand me? Yeah.

When they got a long foot, and they put them in the long, in those large pad shoes, and they have a twist around their ankle. Don't do that. Makes your foot look fucking long. And don't do that shit, Ty. You know what I'm saying?

There's different shoes. I always, I love women's shoes. But I gotta tell you something. I would never suck a woman's toe. Never? Not even if it's super, super clean? Fuck no. No?

Fuck no. No, no, no, no, no, no. I wish I could do a replay, because when she was saying that, I switched to your camera, because your eyes were just shut. You were just so sad. Oh yeah, fuck no.

I don't know that I would suck a guy's toes. And I don't, I generally, unless somebody is really, really good, I do not go near man-ass. Or if I'm in love. If I'm in love, I'll put a finger in the ass. But men's asses? No.

No, they disgust me. I had too many bad experiences with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. None of your finger fucking stings for two fucking weeks and shit. Then you can't sneeze. Nail brush. Yeah, you gotta get the nail brush.

No, no, no, I know it's in my ass. I wouldn't let you go in there. It's fucking disgusting. It's because you're a gentleman. You're a gentleman and a scholar. No, you have to bathe if you gotta go into those fucking places and shit. You can't go in there all fucking stink.

You gotta go home and put some cologne on. Whatever the fuck you got. I don't wear cologne, but personally, whatever the fuck it, it's just, I like you. I like you. I think that you're interesting as fuck. I think you're out the box completely different than the rest of the broad you talked in LA.

They're all cut from the same cooking. They're all chasing the same nickel. It's nice to know you're chasing the same nickel. We have a time right now in this country where we're about to get a little fair. I mean, I can't blame him. I mean, Trump's fucking retarded. So they gave you, I mean,

he just talked his way out of this fucking thing. Whatever it was. Absolutely. And we have this little affair, you know, and you see all these women with women power and stuff. And I think real women power is when I see a woman like you. Thank you. I see a woman that is living life under her fucking terms.

Scares the shit out of me. You know, now I gotta add you to my life. I gotta think about you three and the woman that she made home tonight. That's some guy trying to bite her fucking toe off. But you... I'll always make it home. Don't worry.

You got a Starbucks and you see these women who think they're doing something. They went and watched that fucking stupid movie. You know, what's the movie when she went over to Saigon? They eat the hummus. What's that movie with the chick from Saigon? Oh, oh, the three words. You pray low.

No, the other one. That's the other one. This is the one that came. Oh, I thought it was that one. No, that's the one with the pretty robbers. Right. The one that came out with the chick from Saigon live that she could break up with the guy and she goes over to fucking Iran

and she meets Turkish people and shit like that. You know, you see those women and they're sitting there in a fucking Starbucks talking about their adventures in fucking Bangladesh and shit. And three other women like sitting there drooling from themselves. And then again, I see a woman like you who's banging it out. The real deal, banging it out, doing comedy.

You know, listening to fucking perverts and shit, which at the end of the day, you don't listen. So when you do comedy as a woman, every fucking night, you get abused every fucking night. Somebody says, night's tense, you got a nice ass. You know, you open up the fucking stripper gate on these fucking morons. It's a fucking nightmare as a woman.

Trust me, I was on the other side of that. So I know how creepy we get at that time. But, you know. On the road, I've been treated worse by the men in the comedy industry than I've ever been treated by the guys that I've stripped for or done whatever for, you know. I had a club owner ask me to blow his landlord

between shows on a Friday once. It was right after the only time I ever got fired from a club. And so when he asked me to come in the office, I was like, oh shit, I'm gonna get fired again. Oh no, because I thought it was just a snowball thing. And I went and he goes, my landlord is at the show. And I was like, I'm really gonna get fired.

And he goes, and he liked you. And then I was like, I don't know what's happening now. And he goes, would you blow him? And he must have seen my face like just fall or do something because he goes, oh no, no, no. I would pay you. So, yeah. Did you negotiate or you said no?

I was just like, no, no. That's good that you keep him. I was like 23 at the time. Yeah, you keep him separated. Well, this was before any of that. This was. Yeah, because once you get one blow job on the road, you'll never stop.

Then don't fucking punch it down like a fucking barricade with these motherfuckers. Lee, what do you got going on, cocklicker? What do I got going on? I have a couple more podcasts this week. And Paula comes back Sunday. She comes back Sunday from Rome. You're locking her up Sunday night.

It's over and shit. Yeah, she's in Rome with Henry actually. Henry's there. Oh my God, Henry who? Oh, but it's from Jiu-Jitsu. Henry? Yeah. Who's Henry?

Henry Hula head. Yeah, Henry, yeah, Human, yeah. Human, okay, nice, nice, all right. And that's it. That's a. I'm happy to hear. I'm trying to think of what else I have. No, that's it.

Yeah, that's all you got. Don't worry about it. I got to go to Denver. I'll be back Sunday next week. We're on Monday and Wednesday next week. I want to thank Susanna Lee, right? Yes, thank you. For coming on the show tonight.

I also want to thank our sponsors. Number one, as usual on it. I love you motherfuckers. I've been doing the mixed greens lately and it's tremendous. I've been taking the shroom tech again. It's tremendous. I've been back on the head force protein again. You know, I got a box every like three months.

I bother him and I get reacquainted with the products and shit like that. And I got to tell you, it's better than fucking ever. The shroom tech. I got my blue belt. Something must have happened. So you have that there. Number two, speaking about blue belts, G's, rash guards, bags,

G bags, they have one of the best. You know how I always talk about preparation? Absolutely. Nobody like Datsusara put together a bag for your jitsu. That's more prepared. I got knee pads in there. I got knee pads for the knee pads. I got an extra belt.

I got an extra rash guard in there. I got a water bottle and I got a backup water bottle canteen. So the water stays at the fucking temperature. You understand me? There ain't no fucking dickin around when I finish class. Now the water's warm. I got four packages. I got an extra zipper down there that can hide my little

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I got mine ready for tomorrow. Vapor pen, papers, aspen for the heart, you know, the whole fucking deal. You understand me? Some boomy bears. I got everything ready to go to Denver. So that's what I'm talking about. Fanny pack, rash guards, the G, the hemp G is superb.

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Absolutely right. Okay. I gotta give you a rash guard. Lee, you look nice in a fucking rash guard, cock sucker. A little hemp rash guard for you. All jokes aside, if you're looking for a great travel bag, jiu-jitsu bag, that's too sorrowful.

Look at that one I have. It's fucking phenomenal. I'll take a picture next time I go to jiu-jitsu. I love you, cock suckers. Thank you for coming on, my little princess. Thank you for coming on. I want to thank Allyn.

I want to thank Datsusara. And I want to thank all you motherfuckers for listening and giving me your time. Have a great weekend. Be safe and we'll be back Monday. Stay black. Joey, J-O-E-Y to get 5% off. Shows also brought to you by Onit.com.

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