Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #409 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 29, 2016

Bert Kreischer, Comedian and Host of the "Bertcast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Datsusara: Go to DSgear.com and check out all of their great products, like gi's and rash guards, that are made with high quality hemp textiles. Use code Joey to get 5% off of your order. Recorded live on 08/28/2016.  

This show is brought to you by Datsusara. Go to dsgear.com and check out their extremely high quality functional gear made with hemp textiles. They have bags, geese, rash guards, and much, much more, including the famous fanny pack. It's dsgear.com and it's called We're Joey to get 5% off. The show is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use code church to save 10% on all their amazing optimization products like Alphabrain, Numu, Shroom Tech Immune, and Shroom Tech Sport. Are you fucking kidding me or what? I don't know what the fucking date is. I know it's Sunday August something. It's a beautiful day to be alive. You got your health, you got your fucking stomach,

and everything else falls into place. The church of what's happening now, bitches. Here we go. Let's go to Omaha, Joey. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That's a fucking great jam. And it's weird because you think, is that the one that, no, it's the other one, Black Betty, you think it's the almond bro? Oh, Black Betty. I came on the stage to Black Betty for fucking four years. That is such a, I hear that and I get chills. Now, who sings that? Ram Jams. They're out of Jacksonville or maybe they're not out of Jacksonville,

but I always got that jam. Like when you watch their video, they're in like in front of just an old redneck, two-story White House and just bell bottoms and fucking 1970, real simple song. Oh, I fucking love that. I love Black Betty. I love that whole shit. What's going on, Bert Grish? I am so good. I'm so happy to be here. Now, how long have you been home for? You've been home for a fucking while. Yeah, I'll be home for a little longer too now that they cancel that tour. Now, how many weeks were you on? I was just doing two, but I pulled out, you know, I don't do, because we're talking about this, but I don't do much, as much on the road because of the girls. And so I pulled the two weeks I was working

and I filled them up with that tour. And so the other weeks I had off. So as soon as that tour went away, I couldn't refill those weeks. Now, what were the other weeks? What were the other dates you had on the oddball? I was doing Seattle, Portland, Red Rocks. Red Rocks is the one that bumps me out because I really wanted to do Red Rocks. That's sad. Fuck, yeah, but it would have been Saturday when Red Rocks to 1500 people. Yeah, it doesn't. I was telling, this is what I was saying about it, Joey. You know what it was? The comics that are on it are all fantastic comics, but they're not, you know, the people that go to that show aren't comedy fans, they're event comedy fans. Like, like Sebastian's a great

comic and comedy fans go see Sebastian, but he's not like a Sam Kinnison, Dave Chappelle, Mitch Hedberg. Like his life's really nice and it's put together and he does a really great act. And what shocked me, it wasn't just Sebastian, it was Gabriel, it was Segura, it was Jim Jeffries. I mean, you have all these people and you couldn't chop up the ticket. I really thought I had mixed feelings. I thought that, listen, let me tell you something, before I got into comedy, I'm going to tell you something right off the bat. This is how I thought comedy worked. You went to the fucking movies, the movie was sold out and you and your girlfriend were sitting there with your dick in your hand. You called the other movie theater that sold out,

but you look across the street and there's a fucking comedy club. And you walk across the street and it's 20 bucks to get in, a two drink minimum, you go in there, you don't know who the comic is, you laugh, you fucking ass off, you smoke cigarettes, you know, it's one of those things. It became a business now. Like it's become a big time business now. It's two drinks, they want to do four shows a night, they want to do all this stuff. So now they got ticket surcharges, we're all the sudden they're taking three bucks on every ticket and every fucking ticket that us as comedians don't see a dime of, not a fucking dime of. And now you have the ticket, the tour was successful the last couple of years, but it also had Chappelle and Flight of the Concorde.

It was events. It was like Pearl Jam. They had like Flight of the Concords and Louie and Amy and Aziz. But not one time. Do you want me to tell you something? Not one time did I doubt the comics that were on the tour. This year? None of them. None of them. All of them. Just Gabriel and listen, Sebastian did seven nights at the fucking theater in New York. That's the theater with the fucking Allman Brothers playing a role. You know, Bill Bird did, I don't know, 19 fucking sellouts in Boston. You know, Gabriel, Jesus fucking Christ. Where doesn't he fucking Dubai? The Prince flies them in. You know, these are great comics in their own way. It's also a hundred and something dollars. Lisa, he went online for the $30 tickets and they were two miles away. You had a binoculars

and another binocular for the fucking binoculars. You know what I'm saying? So it's what I've been talking about, but I got a problem now. Now I talked to Tommy Easter. Okay. And he said he went to the Dodger game the other day for 18 bucks. Right. Yeah. Now how the fuck? People told me that $200 is the fucking seats. How does Tommy used to go for 18 fucking dollars? Well, it's the game time app and there's other ones like it, but that's all it is. It is just... I mean, he sat in hell, he said. Yeah, he's in hell. Do you know they have a medical marijuana smoking section at Dodgers? No, they don't. Yes, they do. No, there's no way. That's what he told me. I'll call him right now. Are you serious? Yeah, that they have a smoking section and a medical, I mean, you got to walk

eight miles. By the time you get there, you're like, we might as well leave. We're by the bus station. You know, we're all the way fucking... We're in Silver Lake. Yeah, we're in Silver Lake already. So I heard there's a medical marijuana fucking little smoke pad there. Listen, you're going to spark about a fucking game anyway. There's nothing worse. You wouldn't be too nervous at a baseball game? Are you fucking kidding me? That's a home of sparking. I remember going to a Yankee game one time and looking down and seeing crack vials in 1993. Holy shit. That's too much. Seeing little crack vials in the fucking Yankee stadium. People sitting there with a cigarette. You don't know it. You don't smoke crack. You can smell something, but you're

selling raws in the game. You probably think it's popcorn. You know, I would hate to go to a game with my daughter, with your daughters and them to go, Daddy, what's that smell? You follow me? I would hate to do it. So I think that it's better. Just give them... Listen, it's legal. It might as well be legal here. Might as well be legal here. People smell it now and they go, God damn it. They go, what the fuck? But here's my question. But going back to the tour is I think two things. I think people were really regret not having bought those tickets in two years. But I think that like everyone that was on the tour, there was no Louis or Chappelle or just someone like Louis

and Chappelle or Gray White Sharks. When they walk into a club, even we get like, fuck Chappelle's here. And when Sebastian walks in... I'm not shitting on Sebastian. I love Sebastian, but when he walks to the club, they're like, oh, cool. Sebastian's here. I get to see him. I think he's fucking brilliant. But it's not like the Chappelle or Louis or the almost like... They have that LeBron status where like, I don't even give a fuck about basketball, but I do want to see LeBron play a game before he dies. But at the same time, Amy Schumer's not selling tickets. So Amy's got that status. Amy's got that status. She's not selling tickets right now?

No. Irvine Amphitheater ran a fucking group on two Saturdays ago. Really? Irvine one is the one they're really embarrassed about. That's the one that's eating away at them. They're not even selling tickets to Irvine? Well, here's the thing. I went to Irvine a couple of years ago, and I don't know any of the comics personally, but it wasn't. It was one of those event shows, as you said. It was The Bigger Names. Yeah. Who are you with, Chappelle? No, no, no. Not even... It was the year after that. It was like, it was hard work. It was...

No, I was on the tour with Aziz, but Aziz, I had a Gaffigan and Louis CK and all that stuff. And I think, Joey, what you were saying, I think you're absolutely right. I think if like the tour that was on this Oddball tour was at the store one night or at the Irvine Improv, whatever, or something like that, that would be... And you just went in there as a good... It would be a monster show. It would be the best show of your life. This was a better show, a hundred and thousand percent... I think this is a great show. I think it was a better show, yeah.

I've told you since day one on the drive to fucking Indianapolis. Listen, I knew Indianapolis wasn't going to sell. Yeah, I just knew it. As soon as I saw Sunday, I go, I'll get a ticket, but this is not... This is the Bible Belt. Yeah, and it's Bob and Tommy. And it's Sunday and it's... I don't think it's going to sell. That's the first one that went down. That would made me fucking ecstatic. Because now I got Thursday, Friday, Saturday. The long drive is Atlanta. Then they called us and said Atlanta was going down and we're like, what the fuck? And that night I was at the ice house and I was talking to one of the

door guys and I go, oh, I'm embarrassed for Gabriel. Gabriel, because Gabriel still went to Fort Lauderdale. Okay? And still sold out to your mom at $50 per ticket. Okay? So don't fucking tell me. These motherfuckers looked at that because what do you go see Gabriel by yourself? No. No, you take your wife. That's a yardstick. That's a fucking yardstick. The same yardstick you were going to use for whatever. The yardstick was there. I don't think... I think that when they called, the service fees were high. It was like $1.30 a ticket, right? I think there was a lot of variables. I think the other thing was, for me, I think it was late in the season. I think it's late in the season. Right now, Bert Kreischer is not thinking about anything. Right

now, in two or three days, both of your girls go to school. That's another fact. Who knows? It's an election year. Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows? What I do know is that what comedy club do you go to that's empty now? None. None. Even the comedy store sells out on fucking Tuesday nights. You know, Flappers is doing great. Fucking the Ice House is doing great. Comedy's on the way up. So this is why this whole tour is so very unexplainable. It's so very like, wait a second, what are we doing wrong here? So where's the fault go? Like, who fucked it up? Nobody fucked it up. It's everybody's fault here. It's not a comedian's fault. No, it's not the comedian's fault. Marketing's fault, maybe. It's, there's a lot of things at fault here, but you want me to

tell you something? I think that people go to comedy shows again. People are going to comedy shows, fucking, and I talk to people all the time, and they go see me, you, you know, they go see Segora, they go see Duncan, they go see Kate Quigley. And here's what I think it is. That's a lot of money. Let's just say you were going to get a $100 ticket. Look, I'm sure there's more and there's less expensive than that. But for five, that means you could have gone and seen any of you guys five times and seen an hour. So do you think, do you think, okay, that's a good point, Lee. So theoretically, if you want to understand what you're saying, when they first did this tour, people were getting like, comedy was on the right upswing when they

were like, shut up, comedy's great again. Oh, fuck, I can see everyone I want to see in one night, as opposed to now, comedies in the upswing, it's doing well. And now everyone's like, fuck that, I'm going to save all these dollars and see each of these guys do an hour. It's almost like a more comedy savvy crowds are like, I'd rather go see Joey for 30, Bert for 30, Gabe for 50, you know what I mean? And see them do an hour as opposed to see Joey do fucking 15 up front, Bert do 10, Tom Segura do 12, Eliza do 15, you know what I mean? Now, because of my logic that I explained to you that I've always thought movies, I beg the agents to keep the tickets at 25 hours. I keep mine at 20.

Then one day I go to, I keep, they're like, oh, you should do 27 on Thursday, 20. It's fucking date night. It's single night, 20, you know, the agents will push you to no end, to no fucking end with numbers guys. I just want you to know that at home, you know, when I go on stage, I got to be honest with you, this is why I don't bring anything on the road because I just want to worry about comedy. I don't want to worry about door deals, ticket prices, none of that shit. I don't want the people to get gouged, you know, Thursday night, 15 bucks if you can, 22. But then I find out a week later, this is $8 service charge, $2 if you will call the tickets. It's a fucking nightmare. You know, you never stop getting fucked. You know, the thing that

hurt me the most, I have these flight plane tickets I got. They all had a cancellation fee, 150, 200, Delta, I caught three fucking different times and they gave me two breaks. Eventually I knew they were going to say, Joe, we got to charge you this fucking sum. Southwest, they don't give a fuck. Yeah, I was taking Southwest from Tampa to Atlanta, they don't give a fuck. They just said, we'll put it on your tab. Virgin made me open up a bank account, a sky bank and put my money in there and I got a year to use it and just, it's fucking bullshit. But anyway, beside that, what's going on, Lisa? You got a beautiful weekend. Yeah, in San Diego, you went to see Lee had a little problem. Lee had a little fucking problem this

week that I didn't think about till you said something and it made a lot of sense because it happened to serve everybody in this room, couldn't get it up. Well, that happened before, but that wasn't this weekend. What is the problem? Well, I went to, my girlfriend got us tickets, I like this EDM band and I started seeing them when I was 18 and I've seen them probably over 15, 20 times and we went down there and within 10 minutes we were both looking at each other like, this isn't ours. This wasn't her scene to begin with, she's just being a nice person and going could I like it. These people, it's people, Joey, who I feel like if you went in there, it would be the best YouTube video because it's everyone doing drugs just to do drugs,

like they have like, they have the pacifier, they have these lighted finger gloves that they were just doing in front of someone's face as they were supposedly tripping. And I was, I was on 800 milligrams and I was laughing in their, in their face because they were doing like, these little light fingers. And but basically my problem, I told you the next morning, I don't know if it's age or maybe I just grew out, grew it. I still like, I'll listen to them in the car. And I like going if there's like a, an up, like I saw them in LA and I could sit down and really watch the light show. And that was cool. But to be in a pit and like, when you say jumping up and down, doing all that stuff, we left after 15 minutes when God Mexican food

and went and went home. That was our night. Like it was just, it was, we went down there for that. And the highlight of the trip by far was the San Diego Zoo. Oh, San Diego Zoo is pretty fucking badass. Oh yeah, it's great. And like pretty fucking badass. And we were like, there are kids there. And we were having a better time than the kids. We were taking pictures. There's pandas. We went and saw the monkeys. Now that would be a fun place to get to take these mushroom chocolates, I think, or something. The condor is pretty fucking badass at the San Diego Zoo. I didn't see the condor. Condor is fucking insane, insane. You're like, that looks like it's not even a real animal. Just like, like, I want to say it's like a 12 foot

wingspan. Just like a fucking tarot. It's insane. Thursday I went to the LA Zoo. What a dump. What a fucking dump that is. What a dump. It looks like those animals got hit by a car. They look like rescue animals. Oh my God. The fucking apes. Are they really? The orangutan. The fucking alligator had a fungi toenail like I do. It was fucking green and purple. I mean, the snakes are nice. The kid has a great time. It's a great little exercise for an hour and a half. Yeah. It's all uphill, but it's not one of my favorite fucking shoes. I'll tell you, I'll tell you what's fun. We spent the night at the San Diego Zoo. I saw that you could do that. Oh, it's fucking Eila for her birthday. Found out that you could

do that. She's like, that's what I want to do. Joey, you hear the lion roaring at night. Just it's fucking. How are the rooms? It's in, what's that? How are the rooms? It's like cabins, like tents. Tents? Yeah, like cabin tents, tent cabins. It's a tent. And so you're sleeping in the fucking zoo and you do like a night walk around the zoo. So you go out at night. It's so fucking badass. And at least I'm in an animal's house. Is there a fucking fence around you? Yeah. You wouldn't do that, Joey. You wouldn't want to do one of those safaris? I couldn't sleep. I couldn't fall asleep.

Joey's snoring in the fucking, the elephants trying to match him. I couldn't fucking sleep just knowing that they're a fence away. Oh, it's so crazy. It's the same now. I mean, it's the same. I don't, what do we have between the street and you? Dude, we spent the night, I spent the night in, right on the, in Tanzania, we were in Tanzania going into the refuge to do a safari. And we spent the night right on the, on the lip of it. And it was so cool. And you could hear lions at night and it was just, and you knew they could walk up and just walk into your front door. Like they could be there. You could open the door and a lion could be there. And you just heard them fucking roaring in the

middle of the night. The hyenas going fucking nuts. That shit, that's insane to me. Like the, the fact that, like you could walk outside and a lion could just grab you. Fuck that. Nope. I like animals, but I don't want to get grabbed by mistake by nobody. And not I spend the night at the fucking thing in the tent. That's the night the Mexican ground keeper drank tequila and he didn't put a lock on the fucking gate. That's the, you know what I'm saying? And I got to wake up next to Timber, the lion. I can't do it. Timber. Have you ever done the ones, Bert? Like I don't even know where they have them, but where you can like drive through and there's just animals roaming around.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Whatever the fuck they do in Jersey, I had that. Where you drive with the window a little open. Nope. Nope. No window open. No, no. Maybe you can, but I'm not opening the window. Fuck that. Here, let me show you. I'll show you a picture of how close I was to a lion. We did it because we did it with an open air tent and just drove all over the fucking literally into the jungle. And there's a lion, not even shitting you probably, as far as me from that flag, probably double that, but he's just sitting there and it's open air. He's just sitting there staring at you. Thumbs like tail slapping on the ground, just like a fucking cat. No, no. You couldn't do it? No, I don't think so.

I'll show you a picture. It was fucking insane. I don't like when there's like a stray dog on my street. It freaks me out a little bit. I get fucked up when I see a pigeon. I know the pigeons in my name, but they're all fucked up. I see a pigeon from outside a different name and I get all nervous. Should I hate fucking pigeons? What am I going to do? I don't know. Well, I mean, because Joe, you don't go to concerts anymore. Just going back to what happened to my concert. Well, it's interesting that you said it to me. It's interesting that you copped to it. A lot of people couldn't cop to it. I don't know. I went to, I used to go to concerts to see different bands and I'm not going to lie. Nobody, they would never like bar bands. At that age,

I would just go see the bands at the garden or the Nassau Coliseum or the places like that. And I think once I turned about 20 was when I would get to a concert and ask myself like, what the fuck am I doing here? Like once they played the song I wanted to hear, I got to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. And I left people like Judas Priest. I left people at concerts, but my biggest ever was when I left Dan Murr at the Rolling Stones at the Hollywood Ball. Dan Murr. Listen, who walks out of fucking like 10th row tickets and just walks home after three songs. Yeah. Like that's the shit that I was working myself. That's why the last year and a half I haven't gone to a UFC with Joe. Yeah. Because I'm to the point where I can't sit there

no more. I can't sit there no more. And it started when I was 20 at places. I remember going to see, you know what concert I enjoyed like Don Henley at Fiddlers Green in 95. That was one concert I enjoyed because it was easy drives. It was an easy walk. But now it seems like they just put too much fucking drama. Well, you always say something to me every time I go, I'm going anywhere. You're just telling me to download the album and have a joint. You're like, why are you even going to go down there? You said it to me. I was, I went to the Rams game and he goes, don't fucking go to the Rams game. And there was a fight that night. Yeah, there was a fight. You know, and here you take your wife. What if they took the girls? Yeah, we got season tickets. Yeah. You're another one that's

half retarded. How are you going to get season tickets to go down there to get beat up? Are you fucking crazy? It was, uh, everyone was speaking Spanish behind us. It's these sporting events now and they're all, one of them is going to end bad. That's the thing that you, you know is imminent. Like you sit there and go, when is something going to go down at one of these fucking things? You could feel it. You could feel it going on behind us. You could feel it. The energy was like man energy and I could, and I was, it was like third quarter and I was like, let's get the fuck out. I was like, it's a night game. The day games will be better. This is a night game. It's a preseason night game. So it's all the riffraff and the guys behind us were talking shit in Spanish

and I could understand a little bit what they were saying and I was like, man, if this was English, literally Leanne would be turned around going, shut the fuck up. And I was, and then these, and then they were sitting in these other guy's seats and the other guys came and put, finally like pulled the cart and they were like, listen, you're, you need to get the fuck up. You're sitting in our seats and the guy was like, are we going to do this? And I was like, all right, let's go. What the fuck are we doing? Listen, man, I went to 7-Eleven the other night. I'm sitting there in my business. There's this guy who gets whatever, cigarettes, new ports. He's Mexican. He's got a raider tattoo on his arm and then a raider tattoo on his side. Like he's got the

elements on his head, but here's what gets even beauty on his head and some raiders. And I'm looking at this guy and I'm like, that's who burnt sadness at that fucking game. And I'm not judging nobody, but, you know, I just, I can't. And then from one point, you're like, Joey, you're very negative because you look at the outcome. You think about the moves. Okay, I'm going to go down there. First off, it's fucking 45 fucking minutes. And these jamokes aren't used to going into a stadium and coming out of a stadium. So that's an extra fucking 42 minutes to go in. Then I'm going to walk up there. I'm going to sit next to fucking, you know, God knows who, because these people have been waiting for the fucking Rams. I would

have gave up after two years. Like, I'm done. I'll go fucking watch ping pong on direct TV or something. And then, you know, that we were talking about today, how they are gentrifying that area and they're doing, I mean, they closed the Hollywood Bowl because it was so fucking bad. Not the Hollywood Bowl. The Hollywood track. What was the name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where they're putting the fucking stadium. They're going from one bad area to a single one. Yeah. This does not. I used to love going to that track on Friday nights. Oh, for the dollar be a dollar to get all the hot dogs, dollar hot dogs. Until you got to walk to your car. Yeah, because you win $20. That's the longest walk ever. You cannot celebrate your wins. Those are some angry black people on

that walk outside. They just stare at you. Lee, you would die. I went to the casino once. And how bad was it? They were, they have a weird thing in California where you can bet if the dealer's going to bust and people will come in and place a bet on that if they don't have enough money to place up like a bet on a hand. So this dude came by and I'm used to playing in Vegas where that bet doesn't exist. And this black dude, he just comes in, places the bet down. He's like, that's my bet. I'm like, okay. And then I was playing two hands because I'm crazy. One hand lost and one hand won or something. And he switched, he tried to switch it and he tried to get mad at me and take the money. I was like, okay, this is my clue to leave. Like I parked when I got there.

There's like a valley parking and there's like a free parking. I parked myself in the valley spot because I just knew like I was already, that's where Paula is from. That's the girl I'm dating. She lived behind it. So I was down there once a week. It's not, it's not a great place. Like, I don't know where these people who are going to go park down there and then stroll for a late night after the game. It's not going to be good. You can't look. The truth is, if you want to see a Rams game, you better go now. You're not going to be able to afford the new stadium. New stadium, the seats licensing is going to be 50 grand a seat. So you're never going to afford to be able to get season tickets ever again. So I was like, you know what, fuck it. This is the one time I'll ever say

I was a season ticket holder to anything ever in my fucking life. It was really cheap, good seats. And I was like, fuck it. We'll do it. And then immediately I was like, I should have gotten two tickets. The girls will never want to go to another fucking game. And then in my head, I was like, I was like, you know, but this new seat licensing thing is going to be 50 grand per seat and it'll be an ownership of that seat. And that won't even, no, one time payment. So it's like buying a house. You're buying property. You're buying that property and you will own the right to that seat in perpetuity. And then you can sell the right to your seat to somebody or you can just get the get the fucking ticket. By the way, that doesn't even count the, that's not even season tickets.

You got to buy season tickets on top of the seat licensing. It's a fucking nightmare. So whatever. It's like an investment. I'm sorry. It's an investment, but you got to be rich as fuck to do. I mean, like, you know, I'll tell you, it's a stock market. The seats, what you do is you buy the rights to the fucking seats and you buy season tickets and you could sell them at eight times the fucking face value. They don't give a fuck cause you paid that 50 fucking grand. That's the thing is like, you look at like Denver, when they did it, it seemed ridiculous. And then now my buddy Paul was like, man, I really, really wish I had just gotten a loan and done it because they'd be invaluable to you. You can't, you, there's a long, long list to get assisted.

They go to the Super Bowl. You're sitting, you got I was fucking tuition. Yeah. That's the reality. That's the reality cause some dummy will go, I want rib tickets now. You know, some celebrity on the TV show, don't know no better. Never been to a fucking sporting event. Doesn't know they're going to ask them for a thousand pictures and shit. He'll buy one of those fucking things. And then you do. I don't know. Guys, I grew up in Shea Stadium. I grew up in Mass Square Garden watching Nick games and I have the last lake of game I went to. I paid for the fucking tickets just to go and I got to tell you something that I felt ripped off. I just felt violated. You know, I used to go see, I used to go see great Nick teams for 15 bucks,

22 bucks. Yeah. You know, now I'm paying 190, 180, you know, and it's not about the fucking digits. It's, it's, it's the principal. It's the fucking principal. My friend here goes to Disneyland. They have that scale. Somebody was telling me that they have some scale at Disneyland now. Is this true? Oh, it's like a sliding scale for payment. Like there's some days where it's more and there's some days that it's less or something. It's like a hundred bucks. You said I heard that was a while ago. I heard 100 bucks. Yeah. 100 bucks of a scale. No, like a hundred bucks to get the day he went. It was like one of the high days. So it was like a hundred something bucks. Oh, so it's like a perfect day to go and they jack up the prices. They jack up the prices.

Because they know they can. Yeah. There's something weird at Disneyland. Like they, they, they have last day is last week of summer. It is fucking slam packed at Disney. Really? Everyone wants one. Hey, one last trip to Disney. Come on. We've got a, we've got a bunch. We've got a bunch. We got, uh, we got, uh, season passes to Knott's Berry Farm, which is, I think, better in my opinion. It doesn't have the, it doesn't have the like fanfare that, that Disney has. Like Disney has a little bit of a story and backstory. And if you've seen the movies, you meet the princesses for a little girl is ultimate, but the girls are in an age now where they just want to ride the rides and the rides at Knott's Berry Farms are so much better. And they serve booze.

I think Disney does too, but they serve booze and the food is fucking through the, the fried chicken is the best fried chicken you've ever had. They've got these Knott's Berry. Um, I mean, the food is fucking phenomenal at Knott's Berry Farm. And the rides are awesome, especially for little kids. They got like a whole section of rides for little kids that you couldn't, you couldn't even do all the rides. I'm not ready yet. Yeah. How, wait, how old is, how old is she? Three and a half. Yeah, I'm not ready yet to see her on a ride, swinging around. Georgia asked tonight, she goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Is she going to be at our, is she going to be in school with Isla? And I was like, I don't, I think she's too young. She was like, wait, how old is she? And Georgia was trying to do

the math. She was like, okay, I think she's five dad. And I was like, she's not five. She's close to being four. So she'll go to whatever next year, whatever transitional K next year. Yeah. And then who the fuck knows where she went? It starts at 95 goes to 119. And that's when it starts at. So on some days, like middle of the week, you start at 95. And on the weekends, it can start at 119. I mean, I'll tell you what, one of the best trips I ever had to Disney, we went down there and it was sold out. It was packed. And they were like, yeah, we're not selling tickets. But the girls were so young, they didn't know the difference between Disney and Disney, like Disney walk, you know, like the shops outside. So we just took them to the shops, bought a couple nightgowns,

bought them a fucking princess, had drinks, had dinner and drove home. We were like, we just, they were like, that's Disney. We're like, yeah, girls, enjoy. That's it. It's amazing to juggle, this dad shit with comedy shit. I said to Fitz Simmons the other day, I had him on my podcast. It's fucking amazing. I don't know how the fuck I do it. I don't know how you, because you do it the way I do it. Like me and you were the same. Fitz Simmons that he was like, he was like, I go, how do you go do sets and then wake up with the kids? And he was like, I don't, he's asleep till 10. No one bothers me. I'm a dad. And that's my job is to work. And that's my job is to do sets. And that's it. I'm sure you said it differently than that. But that was the, that was what I got

out of it. But me and you are still juggling like the go do sets, come home, get up at six in the morning, be awake, get everyone going, then go back, maybe I take a nap for me at like noon. Well, go work, I go work out, I come, I fucking take meetings, do a podcast. Like it's, I just, it's hard as fuck, man. It really is. I, you know, it's like people go look at Louis trajectory of success. I got to be honest with you. And I think Louis would say the same thing. He didn't start really getting successful until he got out of his marriage. Because in that marriage, when you have a person saying to you, Hey, hey, you got, you got to be responsible for this and this and this. It's really hard to justify doing a 10 minute spot, 15 minute spot in the OR and missing

dinner, you know, or missing or not being available for dinner or knowing that you won't get up for drop off because you're not going to get home until two in the morning or one in the morning, you know? You see, for me, I was married and I didn't give a fuck. I had no idea what marriage was. I had no idea what nothing was. I thought you went home, woke your wife up, stabbed her, and then got up the next morning and whatever. I didn't know what it was. I don't think Terry would never say anything to me about my schedule. Yeah. I just decided the things I wanted to do as a human being. Like I just decided I go, I'm going to do this, but this is also what I have to do. You know, first off, if they leave and I sit there and the

computer, the whole time I'm thinking about them, she's driving to school, like I'm having a bad failure. Yeah. You know what? I stopped. You know what? I just go with them now. Yeah. I get up with them and I go with them and me and my wife go have coffee for 20 minutes somewhere. We talk about our day. She splits. I split and that's the beginning of my fucking day. Yeah. I think it's really important. I lived in this town for 14 years before mercy came. I took every fucking stupid jerk off meeting. I've taken every fucking call. I did everything. One day you start deciding what's important and what's not important. Well, I have a YouTube project I want to talk to you about. You know, sorry, brother. We can make millions on the penny program. That's great. It's not

going to fucking happen in my world. Yeah. When do we shoot? We shouldn't call a boss as Monday. It's not going to happen unless you shoot in North Hollywood. It ain't going to happen. Like one day it just snapped on me. You know, Lee and I were doing the podcast in his house and there was a run I had on the road, which it was eight weeks and then two off and another six. I remember that one. Yeah. And okay, I made some money, but the numbers went down the podcast. I gained 30 pounds because of lack of sleep. You just gain weight. Even if you stick to your diet, you're like, what the fuck's going on? Yeah. I haven't destroyed the M&M's in the hotel room and I gained three fucking pounds, you know, and I figured out and I was still putting the time at home

and it was really fucking killing me. Like I have a thing. If I'm home, I'm picking her up and I'm dropping her off. Unless of course you have an envelope. Yeah. If you have an envelope at 430, I will. That means an addition. That means anything of that thing. But if I'm like in an envelope, you're not going to see me. You're not going to see me at 530. People are furious at me because I won't do their podcast, but they have unreasonable podcasts. They want to tape at five o'clock in Culver City. You're never going to see me. Oh, I wish I could say no to those. In traffic. No, I have to. I have to say. I say yes and then forget. I said yes. And then they call up and they're like,

so we tape in Venice at seven and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I got to leave at five. No, no, no, no. I got the girl. I got the girls and I got dinner. Dinner with my family is more important than any fucking podcast. Yeah. You know, that's how I have to look at it. That's how I have to approach this shit. If not, I'm going to go on the road and make a little money, but I'm going to lose that. And what's the sense of fucking doing anything if I don't have them? So no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So now I'm trying to go two on and two off. You know, Thursday, do you think I really want to go to LA fucking zoo? No, or I had two options to go to the LA zoo, meet the rider or go to jujitsu. I had already

been to jujitsu twice and they fucking killed me in the advanced class. I couldn't even walk. I went to the zoo. Yeah. Everybody was happy. What do we do after the zoo? We went to Boston market. I became one of those women that puke after they eat. That's what I am every time I hang out with my daughter because she wants to go to Boston market. So I got a bolemic, that fucking turkey. And the food's getting worse and worse. They had chicken collards, the worst things I ever tasted in my life. Yeah. Now they had something last week that I tried. What the fuck did I eat last week? That wasn't bad. I mean, it doesn't get me sick, the food. So you don't really, but my daughter likes to mac and cheese from there. So if we're on that side of

town, she says mac and cheese and me and my wife literally just like, oh, Jesus fucking Christ. She knows the size of town? Like she'll know me like. Yeah. Okay. Okay. It's like, there's a Kenny Rogers over here. Kenny Rogers. I used to live there all the time. On Highland? Yeah. I used to live right by Highland. That was the filthiest fucking place. Kenny Rogers. And every time you went into like Kenny Rogers, you felt worse and worse about your life. It was down the block from, or what's the diner? Right there on Highland. I don't know the diner. What Kenny Rogers, are you talking about? No, no. Oh, I know the diner you're talking about. The one that, that's like that old schooly one. On Highland. On Highland and Sunset. No, Highland

and Hollywood. Highland and Hollywood. Right by the Wax Museum. Yes, but the fuck is. Dude, I've been to that. Is it Mel's? I've been to that diner. We've had lunch there before. I've had lunch there once, one time, but I think it's a Mel's, isn't it? It's Mel's, but in the middle of that block, Lee, was the Kenny Rogers roasters. And I'm gonna go in there before lunch one day. Yeah. And the people who were in there, the people who were working, like it's one of those things I put the order in and right away I looked behind the kitchen and I'm like, I wonder if I can get my money back. It was too late. This thing was fucking disgusting. It was just disgusting. I put in an order and I guess the guy had a scab on his face. Oh no.

And he's, he was itching his face and all of a sudden I put my order and he's bleeding. And I just was like, hey man, you're bleeding and he was like, huh? Like you can't, cause you can't see that you're bleeding on your face. And he's just like, I go, you're bleeding. Can you go clean yourself up? Yeah. Kenny Rogers is a fucking beast. Oh my God, that was disgusting. Yeah, it's tough to be in a dad and doing all this. And it's, but right now Mercy's at the age where you can, if you dip out for two weeks, she, she notices, but it doesn't affect her. George is at the age right now where it affects her, where she's like, like, wow, why, why you have to, like, she's really excited that tour got

canceled. Believe it or not, it affects them because they act different. Yeah. They told my wife at school, she goes this certain day she comes in and she's not the same. Yeah. You know, and Terry goes, that's cause he was out of town. He didn't walk or eat and talk to her, whatever the fuck it is. So like I said, I had a child when I was 30 and I wasn't this, I wasn't disenthused, like it seemed more of a chore to me then. And because of that, it meant that I was doing the wrong thing. I was doing all the wrong moves back then. So now it's not a chore to me. I know what I have to do. This last week we had her off, me and my wife held it together. I would watch her from nine to 10 30 and then she would come back from yoga. I go to Jiu Jitsu and we come back

and we meet and eat something and then I do my fucking thing. Yeah. You know, my agents took me out to dinner the other night and the whole conversation was about me doing three weeks a month and I was like, guys, it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. I love doing my podcast. I love focusing on the podcast. I love spending time with my family. I love those weekends off and I'm 53. When I go out there, I bang it out. Those shows are packed. I got to take a picture of everybody. You do two shows on the Friday and Saturday. When I go back to my room, I'm standing there and my feet going into the fucking floor from energy. Yeah. I'm sore. My hips are fucking sore. I got to go back to the room and do mobility fucking drills and take a shower at the end of

the night. So, you know, then you got to fucking get up early and catch the first flight out. Oh, that shit runs on you, man. It builds. It builds. Fuck you. And those fucking planes are filled with malaria and cancer. They got radiation on those fucking planes. You know, it's like smoking 22 cigarettes every time you fly. Really? I'll tell you what, I started noticing I was getting bloated in my ankles on planes. That's why you got to, you got to sit there. When you sit there, you got to do pump legs because the Chinese consider the calf the pump of the bottom half of your body. Really? Yeah. That's why you got to do that. You got to do leg raises like toe raises when you're sitting there on a plane. So I'll sit there and every couple of minutes, that's why

you get stoned because you'll think about it. I'll fuck. I've never smoked pot on a plane. No, you don't smoke pot on a plane. You eat a pot cookie and you get on the fucking plane. I got to try that one time. When you sit on, you get nice and fucking baked. But you do this with your ankles when you get on the plane. And the Chinese, I learned this directly from them, so they consider the calf is the pump to the lower body. So your ankles won't get fucking swollen. So you do calf raises? Yeah, right there. Right when I'm sitting there. Right there. I just do this every 22 minutes. And then every 35 minutes, I get up and walk to the fucking bathroom. I take my time. Even if I don't have to go to the bathroom, I go to the bathroom. Yeah. Because that's why I always sit

on 1A. One, one seat, whatever that, that first hour of the thing. That's my seat. Bulkhead for Bulkhead Isle. I love that seat. That's my seat. That's my seat. Yeah. I'll give a Frenchman's fuck. And I got direct, I'm watching that bathroom the whole fucking time. And I'm watching that little dirty bitch in there. And every time she goes to the back, I hit a vaping pen and put it right back down and blow the smoke in the blanket. You got to work it from all angles. I told you, I just stopped drinking on planes, right? Yeah, because it calms you down, your anxiety. Yeah. I can't imagine getting an anxiety attack on a plane. This is my biggest fear. In my bag, I have Xanax, Valium, Snot, what do you call that shit? Even though I don't use it

no more. Cocaine? No. Oh, nasal spray, nasal spray. I have every anti-anxiety thing I can have, just in case Q-tips. That marijuana never does it. That was the only time I've ever flown on edibles was the last time we went to Austin. I'm going to do it this time too. I know because you do it at 4am, but it's just, that was the only time. It wasn't real anxiety, but my heartbeat just started going and you can't, I don't like getting up and moving on planes. So like, especially as a bigger dude, and I was big when I... How much weight have you lost? About 90 pounds. That's fucking insane, Lee. Thank you, man. That's so good. You look fantastic. I'm trying. My diet hasn't been as good, but I've been working out so that's, I mean, you work out a lot. You

look pretty good. I'm the skinniest I've been in a long time, but I'm still fucking fat. So... It's a tough journey. It's a tough journey after a certain age. And you add that to the mix, you know, you want to take care of yourself. You know, there's not a lot of comedians that are like 20 years ago. There's not any comics that you hear weekend things anymore, you know. Did you have a book creation that you got fucked up in Pittsburgh and puked on the second show? That doesn't exist in our business at all. No, it used to be all the time. All the fucking time between Mitch Hedberg and Pablo. I remember Geraldo and Harfer, they were like, I was like, oh, Geraldo was just here. And they were like, yeah, it was bad. He took

too much Xanax and he had to lay on the floor and did this set laying on his back on the floor because the room was spinning. I did that in Bulma. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, he tell me that story. You know what the most outstanding thing from the story is? What? That at four and a clock Saturday night, I call Slaynam's brother. He was a wigger. He's a rapper at the time. This is 2005. The longest show that just came out. I'm in Bulma on Texas. I told the story on Mark Marin. It was not, not the Mark Marin podcast on the TV show. It was not a lot or not a scripted thing. That was a personal story that I went. The guy picked me up. I got in the car and I go, and I was, I'm fucking lit. I had 30 volumes, 30, 10 milligram

values in three days. Drinking Yeager Maestro. Next time you get Joshua. Ask Joshua. Tell me the story about Joey Diaz and Bulma on Texas. They know about third. I went down there, but anyway, I went to buy Coke and they were neo-Nazis. I'm talking, it's behind Bulma on Texas, a neighborhood behind Bulma on Texas. So it's a little bit on the rough end. And I went down and Slay told me his brother goes, listen, before we go in there, I just want you to know they ain't friendly with fucking people if you're scared. I said, listen, you see this, there's $400 bills here. Everybody loves $400 bills. I don't give a fuck who you hate. And I went in there and they talked to me. They even asked for a national. Now that was Cuban. I was joined out of my fucking

mind. I couldn't even talk. The volumes had me going, I was fucking like this. It was horrible. That was the last memory of that weekend. Really? And then you had to do a show that night? I did the show Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I flew in Thursday and the kid was supposed to have to blow for me. And he goes, I got no blown. I go, what can you get me? What can you do? And he goes, I get your value. He told me and I gave him whatever the price was. And he goes, it's 30. I go, fine. Just bring me 30, whatever I don't need. I'll bring back to my friend in LA, had a friend in Hollywood that they found. I'll bring them back for him. I started popping them. Popping them. First night, like I ain't one, then two. Then I went to the fucking bar and I drank

a little bit. I didn't get cooked up the first night. Went back to the hotel, got up, did some radio, you know, went back to the room, felt okay. Felt good. Yeah. Popped another one to sleep at three. Your nerves feel good. That's the crazy thing about those. Slept till about six, got up and was a little groggy. Had some coffee, had a couple fucking camel lights, you know, had some fucking papados and went to the show. And at the show, I started pop. Once I knew the Coke was coming, I started popping them on Friday night. Popping, popping, popping. And there were little brown bags. So I wouldn't count them. I would just pop them like fucking tic-tacs. Friday night, I was gone. I must have gone to bed at one. I slept till 3 30 the next afternoon. One of those

things, you just wake up, your stomach's empty. You're fucked up. Like you need coffee, more coffee, a shower, another shower. You got to jerk off. You got to go for a walk, take another nap. It was one of those days and I had two shows. And again, I went in the bag and took a handful and put them in my pocket. Then the Coke came. And then we did the first show. And the first show people were sending me Yeager Mises. Beaumont, Texas. This was a great little comedy room that was owned by two guys. And the one guy rubbed the other one. Then the guy hit him in the head with a bamboo thing. And that was the end of that fucking two. Tremendous. Tremendous. It was first owned by two black people. They were very successful. A black couple with kids had a theater in

Beaumont. And the kid was a bartender. And they quit the business. The kid that was the bartender opened up his own club. He's still in Houston. He's a great kid, slayed him. So this Saturday night, I'm at the club. I got the package. I'm not hitting it. I'm on stage still. So I wouldn't do Coke on stage before. I would do Coke afterward. So I do the first show and I'm fucking hammered. Because that valium was I took Thursday. And those ones I took Friday, they're still in the system. Oh, they don't go anywhere. Percolating like a mother. Hold them on the fat cells. Hold it on the fat cells. And every time you hit a joint, you get even more fucked up. It ignites one of those fat cells. Every time you have a cocktail, it just pulls them out of the

fat cell. So if you eat a 10 milligram valium, your fat takes half of it. Five milligrams get gets released in your bloodstream. The other five go in your fucking fat. And they just get stored and stored. And here you are doing gin and tonics. You don't even need Cosby to show up. Nature works itself here. After three nights of eating Xanax, chicks will tell you they black out. I know tons of chicks eat those Adderalls and all that shit. They black out when they fucking drink. That shit adds to it. So don't think that. So here I am. 400 pounds, sweating profusely on stage. I'm so hammered. The first year I got laid down. They're sending shots. I'm drinking 16 shots on stage. I'm 400 fucking pounds. I already got the eight ball. It's fucking beige. It's beige.

It's beige. This coke was right from the cartel. Right from the cartel. It's beige. Oh my god. It was beige. And when it smelled through the paper, I could smell the fucking ether right through the paper. I was like, oh, this is going to be a good night. I'm going to go back to the hotel room. I'm going to take a fucking. And I had a plane from Houston at like 730 in the morning. I'm like, I'm going to fucking snort this fucking eight ball. I'm going to drink and all of a sudden I go to the fucking bathroom. I come out of the bathroom and there's a broad waiting. And she's like, do you want to do a couple? I want to add a coke. And I got the coke in my pocket, but she's got some. And I go, what do you want to do? You have a car? And she goes, no, my husband's here.

Let's do it in the woman's bathroom. So we go in the woman's bathroom and do a few bumps in the woman's bathroom. She leaves. And next thing you know, I fucking pass out. I get up. The coke is still there. My money's still there. The phone's ringing. I can't fucking even, I can't move. It was horrible. I definitely owed deed. If it wasn't for my blood type and my experience, I would have been dead because I remember getting up and I was like, you got to check out or give me $48. And I just gave him like a 50. I go, I'll leave it. I couldn't even talk. I went back to bed, got up at eight puked, went back to bed. I finally got a Monday and call my wife. Like, I finally call Terry like Monday. I'm like, Terry, you're not going to believe this. I'm fucked up.

Yeah. And I stayed in that hotel room till Tuesday and I had my friend come and get me and take me to this fucking thing. So what happened with the flight? Who knows? I didn't come to till Thursday. I didn't really start talking. Like I, at one minute it was Saturday and the next minute it was fucking Thursday. Good God. Like that's how fucking deep I was into drugs. But I was fucking sick till Thursday. You know what? It took me years to eat another sleeping pill after that. That was, it was those bars. Those Zambars? Those Zambars? Those are fucking back jack. Oh dude. We had a friend addicted to those and they wouldn't even take him in rehab. Why? Because you got to, I guess you got to like

Benzos are the hardest to detox off of. They're real dangerous. I used to take a ton of Benzos. What are Benzos? That's the classification for Xanax and Valium. Is a Benzo diopamine or whatever. And so, but they're really dangerous to come off of. Because you can, I guess you can have a stroke. If you're overdosing, your body's dependent on them. It's really hard. But out of buddy, they wouldn't even take him into rehab. They were like, they denied him rehab. They're like, tell them to get off Benzos first. Yeah, I was, uh, that was a rough one. What is that you're burning? I'm trying to burn the saw off. So when they stick it into the pipe, it doesn't stick and attract all the others. And

then they see it goes nice and easy. Like a knife with butter. If you want your bonga, do you want a bonga? You're going to sit there like Johnny Lamont. Do a fucking bonga with us. This is the pure cush from, from Buds and Roses that plays over on Ventura. Wait, do you not go into the other spot anymore? I go to Perennia, but I got to mix it up. I've been going to Perennia for the last year. It's all the same growers. So you get used to their whole mix after a while. You know, so let me try something else. Josh Wolf goes to Bud and Roses. Let me go up there and see what it's about. Very nice people. Very nice people. Very knowledgeable. You know, very, uh, they explain everything. In fact, they explain too much. Like they tell

you too much. I don't want to know this much. Just give me the shit. They kill Lucifer. And I'll be on my way. They want to talk to you about histories and they won the cannabis cup. You know, yeah, but they're very nice fucking people. They're very nice people. The girl was knowledgeable and tough. I bought, uh, some sonic boom, some pure cush. And, uh, I said, the sativa I got was fucking really good. Now, do you notice the difference between sativas and indicas? Yes, you do. I could smell the difference. It's smelling the sativa and the indica. And I could also, when I get high, like I get, I like sativas that get me fucking stoned. Yeah. I don't want to smoke a sativa that dictured me. And then everybody else is like,

did you feel the body? I listen, but I want to body. I'll kick myself in the stomach. You know what I'm saying? And release fucking my adrenals. What's going on over there? But it's, um, I had actually a question for you. You seem like a very extroverted person. Yeah. But I listened to your podcast and you always talk, you talk a lot about like feeling nervous or anxious or like worrying about what people think. Yeah. And that's my world. Like that's like, I was thinking about it. If we went to high school together, I would have hated you, but wanted to be you. No, you would have, me and you would have gotten along really well. You think so? Like in my head, you seem like a party or like a cool guy and I just wasn't.

So, but so it, it, it, it, it always surprises me or it used to surprise me a lot when people who seem to be extroverted and love being the life of the party are going through some of the same issues. Yeah. Yeah. I, you know, it's so funny. I don't, uh, I, I, I've really been regretting it, my honesty, because I've, I've shared way too much on my podcast. Like people know everything about me and I started going like, oh, I should have played this cool. Like, uh, like, you know, like, and just told everyone I was cool and I was a badass and I don't fucking have anxiety attacks on planes and I don't drink boxes of wine and whatever the fuck secrets I should have kept. But yeah, man, I have, uh, I got diagnosed with, with, uh, social anxiety disorder. When I first

moved to LA, some doctor told me I had it and I was like, you're out of your fucking mind. I'm a comedian and he goes, okay. And I just left and then I realized, oh yeah. I don't, like one of the things that drives me nuts is like going to like the improv and, and I don't know people's names and just, I get like embarrassed. I don't know their names and they know me and then going like, hey, like it and like, and like, I don't like answering on my phone. I don't like checking my messages. Like I just, it's like, I really, I'm, I'm kind of a neurotic regularly. Like Joey knows, like I don't, you, the half third times I do spots, Joey knows this for a fact is because Joey calls me and goes, you're coming with me. Let's go. And he just picks me up and

we go to a spot. Like I have a hard time calling him for a veils. Like just that phone call gives me anxiety. Oh yeah. I can imagine. I used to love not like a lot of times you'll hear people be like, oh, I love when people canceled plans. I used to love when people wouldn't answer the phone. Like if I would call them to like, oh, maybe we should do something. If I call them and they don't answer the phone. Oh, great. I like, I used to go, but it's weird because I would get bummed about in high school. Like I'd be bummed like, oh, everyone else is out, but I would never call someone and talk to them. No, no. If I wasn't at the movies or, or at my best friend's house, like the one friend I had, there's no chance of me going. I flew into South Africa one night

and I had, and I was supposed to meet up with my whole crew and their flights got postponed. So they weren't coming in until like 24 hours later. And I just, I literally was like, oh, I'm locking down in this hotel room, hard fucking core. And I loved it. I like, I like, I remember I woke up, I had nothing to do all day. And I like, we had a little pools out by our, our, we had little suites that had pools that overlook the ocean. And I like got on my pool and they came back and took, watched a movie and fucking had a glass of wine. It was always the fucking best. I love it. My wife calls it cave time. She's like, every man needs cave time or like you go in and you don't fucking talk to anybody and you just disappear inside you and

you get small. I love that feeling. I feel that becoming a comedian gave me social anxiety. The last 12 years. So that's crazy. Cause I really believe that's what I live with social anxiety forever. I don't, I can't under, I can't believe them. Even when I was creeping and I was a creepy dude and robbing people and I'd have to walk into that bar and three people would say that motherfucker, Rob, that drug dealer, I wouldn't get anxiety. I would look at them like, who gives a fuck. Obviously you're not doing nothing. I get my mind. I would give them that type of look. I didn't get social anxiety like I get now. I think the comedy over the years gave it to me. It flipped the

switch too much. It was too much. Somewhere you get overstimulated one night and you just don't come back. I, I, I, one of the roughest things for me is for me to go on the road and my behavior on the road now. It's sort of very, uh, Jack Nicholson in fucking that movie when he's just a fucking nut. You know, I have a, no, the other one, when he's a nut, what is it? No, when he, when he's a fucking writer and he's with Helen Hunt and he washes his hands and he doesn't have friends and he's racist and he's fucking whatever. Well, not that I'm racist. I'm just saying that when I travel now, because of my situation, okay, if I was single, when I travel now, I would be a completely different person and couple of extremes. I wouldn't mean that I would

still drink and do blow. I'm just saying that I would now, because of the situation we're in, when we are alone, I missed that. Those two girls, I missed my wife and daughter, but when we call and they're at the thing and they're playing in the house and you're in your hotel room and you're just relaxing and the only thing you have on your mind, whether it's to get the steak or the chicken florentine from room service, because you're not even leaving the fucking room. Like you've already known, like I'm not leaving this fucking room. I will not leave that room. So the next moment, I will not leave that room at all. Okay. I will not leave that room at all. And people really don't understand that

since we have so much activity, when we go on the road now, it's a fucking, it's my piece. I don't want to go to dinner. I don't want to go to the movies. I don't want to meet you nowhere. I don't want to go to, I'm not, you're not going to see me in a fucking bar. The only place you're going to see me is at the hotel gym and at the fucking hotel, whatever's downstairs or whatever's down the block. I love these people calling it a fantastic Cuban restaurant. How close is it to the hotel? 28 minutes. Oh, it's not happening. Dude, people tell me, people tell me, people tell me we get done the show and they're like, Bert, come out with us. I go, where are you, unless it's the bar next door to the hotel or next door to the club I'm at, I'm not getting in a car

and driving to downtown Pittsburgh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. Man, I got stuck in Omaha. No, I got stuck in Des Moines for like two days because of weather and, and man, it was beautiful. The girls weren't home, they were on the road. So I was just flying, they were like in Tampa or something. And I, I got up and they called me and they said, your flight's been postponed. We were trying to get you on a flight tomorrow, but all flights today have been canceled. And we're having a hard time, we may not be able to get you out until Wednesday. And this is fucking Monday morning. And I go, you know what, don't worry about it. And I sat in a hotel Monday and Tuesday,

and I like planned out my day. I was like, I'm going to the movies. I'm going to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm going to go look at shoes over the Nike outlet. I'm going to go back into my room. I'm going to take an Ambien at, at, at fucking six and go to sleep, wake up at two in the morning, go see if I have a glass of wine and watch it. Like I just love that shit. Disappearing, man. I know I have some type of social anxiety, but I'm not going to go get a pill for it. Yeah. I just deal with it. I just deal with whatever. If my body says I'm not in the fucking mood, you're in no danger. I guess what? I'm not in the mood for anything. Yeah. I'm not in the mood for anything ever, ever, ever, ever, like I'm in the mood. I,

I, I, I cannot go to see a movie at a premiere. Those, all those social type events, those days. Dude, I look at a long guy. I wish I had, you know, who does, who's really good at it is Brendy Shaw. He goes to like movie premieres all the time and loves that. And I just look at it and I go, I wish I loved it. I would be sitting, I guess if you're like, if, I guess if I had his resume. Listen, go to a premiere and being in the movie and sitting there is two different fucking situations. Yeah. Two different fucking situations. Wait, what do you mean? Being in the movie. Yeah. And now you got to sit there with 200 fucking people who are sitting looking at you every time the movie comes on. I was on a fucking plane one time

and by the grace of God, grudge match was on. Grudge match is on. It's in the fucking plane. And I'm sitting there next to Rogan and Rogan is like, isn't this the movie you're in? I'm like, nah. And all of a sudden he goes back to bed and I'm sitting there and I could see the chicks next to me like looking and also at one point they go and I'm like, like, I didn't even know what the fuck to do. When you go to a premiere and you have to sit there and look at your shitty fucking movie and make believe it's funny and the people behind you are laughing at your jokes because they know you're sitting there kind of fucking disgusting. I'll tell you what, but the best was denier or a grudge match for me. Out cold slept out cold. Are you serious?

The movie started his head tip back. And next, you know, I saw his mouth open up like the fat dude in in a in seven. Remember when they found the fact that his mouth opened up? It was like that. And he fucking slept throughout the whole movie. When the movie got up, he was tip top, Magoo. He was shaking hands and taking pictures like he enjoyed the fucking movie. Shut up. And you listen, who wants to sit and watch? That's the whole thing. I don't want to go into a premiere. Listen, if Bert Kreischer says to me, I'm in a fucking denier or movie, I'm in a Stallone movie. I'm in an adjacent strand movie. My wife can't go. Will you go with me? I would go with you because I know what you're going to go through. And I could calm you down

while you're there a little bit. I know exactly what to do. I get up. I get up. I act like Lee acted at that fucking gas station. You said you acted weird with Paula. Like here I am sitting at the premiere of the longest yard and next to me is Cameron Crowe, the guy from Gladiator. No. Yeah, that's Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe is what Damon is. Okay. And I'm sitting behind the producers of the longest yard. This is how retarded I am. I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there like this and all of a sudden Terry goes, look to your left. And I look to my left and it's Russell Crowe and I go, holy shit. But the best thing, he had just shot Cinderella Man. Cinderella Man is about a movie about a guy in my neighborhood. That was we all grew up. We used to shovel this fucking dry

when he gave us dollars and no went to whatever that guy's name was. And he had the jacket on that said Cinderella Man, North Bergen, New Jersey and something else. And I look over and go, hey man, that movie you did about whatever the fucking guy's name was. Iceman. No. The one about the fucking boxer. Yeah. The one about the boxer. They fucking Roy or Hudson, Henry Hudson Park. No. What the fuck is it? What was it, Lee? What's his shirt? What's Cinderella Man type in Cinderella? Yeah. Type in the name of Hudson. What the fuck is it now? Jesus Christ, I'm getting old. That's Cinderella Man. There you go. That's it. No, that's it. Yeah, Cinderella Man. What's the name of the fucking star of the movie? James Brabs. Braddock. Braddock Park is a park in my

hometown in North Bergen because he lived by that. Yeah. So when I saw the jacket, I go, hey man, that fucking movie you did, that's going to be the movie of the year. And the producers of my movie is sitting in front of me. And they all turn around like, what the fuck did you just say? And I was like, dog, it's about a guy from my grub. The fucking grub with all his grandkids. I'm not kidding you. They were doing them with cops. They all lived there afterwards. Who gives a fuck? That's the difference between you. I don't know if you have social anxiety as much as you don't fuck around with idiots. Well, no, that's how I take care of my anxiety by acting completely out of the box. Everybody knows I would never say two words to that fucking muscle

crone or anybody else or that stature. I would sit there and watch the movie. If he said something to me, then I'd say something to him. But yeah, I would never tap him on the shoulder and go, I love Gladiator. Can I take a picture? I wouldn't do that to the poor guy. The guy's trying to sit there and enjoy a fucking movie. But that's what I said to him. But I remember I did that, so I wouldn't get that anxiety. But the thing that broke me out of that was one, I just happened to turn Let him in on. And Fucko was on there. The guy who thinks he's 20, but he's really 90. Doug Stanhope hangs out with him. Johnny Depp is on there. And he's talking about that. Let him in his life. So this movie you just did, how does it look? Yeah, another

bracelets and eye makeup. You're fucking 55, but leave it alone. You're not kidding. Nobody. I love that he was in Fucko and we tried to guess it. Yeah, he shows up on there. He shows up in mallets and bands with bracelets on and T-shirt. But you know what, bro? He's not a bad guitarist. I gotta give you that much. Johnny Depp is across the board a fucking great actor. Oh no, he's tremendous. He's an amazing actor. Did I fucking say he was a bad actor? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Fucko, you started calling him Fucko. Fucko. Well, I don't know him. The guy, but he's a nice guy. You know, Fucko, he'd understand. It's a game Joey has, just figuring out what. It should be a game show. Joey describes celebrities and you go, uh, Fucko. He's 20,

but he's really 50. So what are we talking about? I don't know. Oh, you saw him on Letterman. I saw him on Letterman. He was talking about, Letterman said to him, when you shoot your fucking movies, do you watch him? And he goes, I don't watch dick. And Letterman goes, what are you talking about? You don't watch dailies. He goes, listen, I don't watch dick. I let him in and goes, but you're, what's his name? Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp. And he goes, listen, I don't want to see me. And I don't want to hear my fucking voice. He didn't say fucking, but he meant to like, and right there I gained confidence because that's what I have. Yeah. So as I hear my voice, I got to go. Oh dude, a minute, a minute and a half, not even, not even one minute. There's

all I need to do is hear your voice, especially when somebody else is in the room. That's even more embarrassing when somebody else is in the fucking room. Wow. So he said, he goes, I don't watch nothing because it tears me apart. He goes, I shoot it and I go home. So I knew there wasn't something wrong with me. I knew that somebody else suffered from this shit. I just don't like it. I went to premieres and they were fun, but they were for shit. I shot, which really puts a little fucking pressure on you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And then like for spider-man two, they were asking me to do other like things. And I said, no, I couldn't, I couldn't have one fucking scene, a movie. What am I going to go make believe? Like I'm the star of

the fucking movie for. Yeah. So I went to the cast and crew and then I went to the regular premiere, but they were like, do you want to go to the New York premiere or whatever? Because Oprah liked that scene. Yeah. And I was like, no, I'm too embarrassed to fucking do that shit. So I didn't go to that one. I went to grudge match because it was the Nero. I had to go out of respect for him. Yeah. Fuck Stallone. Fuck everybody else. I had to go for him. And I went to the longest shot and that was just embarrassing. Why? Because I was 400 pounds. I couldn't fit in a tuxedo. So I had to wear a warm-up suit given to me by big daddy. You know, the whole night I was there, I wanted to snort, but I couldn't and everything was there. Like everything was there. Free boo, champagne,

pills, narcotics, steroids. I could have done whatever I wanted to. So why didn't you? Because I didn't want to show Adam that he put me in this fucking movie. You know, I didn't want him to even see a dab of me under the fucking influence and there'd be other people there and they were waiting for me to do that. Do you know what I'm saying? They knew they were suspect and I was a junkie, but they had never seen it with their own eyes. This is what they're expecting. This is your channel. Everybody's going there going, I wonder what the fuck's he's going to be doing below tonight. So I can't do below. I would always keep him tricked. And then there was somebody who would say, so he's a junkie. Well, he was at the premiere. He wasn't even drinking and he seemed

okay to me, you know what I'm saying? So it's when they expect you and you don't get fucking high that that's the whole trick of it. So I wouldn't get high. You don't want them to have the ammunition to say, no, you should have seen him. On the biggest night of his life, he was fucking hammered. Fucking hammered. But just not hammered. With your jaw going from side to side, your 400 pounds, you're sweating profusiously. People know. People fucking do know. I mean, if you had told me this 10 years ago, I would have said nobody fucking knows. I get away with no. Everybody knows. Everybody knows your skin color changes. I see people now and I know who's doing below. Really? Oh yeah. It shows now. Now I see them and I know they're doing below by

two ways. The actions and the color of their skin because I recognize them from the color of my fucking skin was Tony Bennett cocksucker. Oh, what time is it? It's late. It's late but early. Do you put this in the I like this to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart? It's clogged up. I got to fucking take it home and boil it. Fucking cat blood or some shit. Somebody is twice as smart as I. I somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. How you doing Bert? Who'll leave you to learn doing good.

That misery loves company. How are you feeling? I'm pretty good. It's not. I'm not going crazy, which I thought I'd be going fucking. You were making a couple fucking noises again and I heard them. I didn't know what was going on. I saw you at the very beginning of this and when Joey said something, you closed your eyes and I was watching you try to ride the inside of your eyelids. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Now there's been a couple moments where I've been a little out of it. Now when do you shoot your special? I shot it. When? I already shot it. When? Like uh two months ago. Oh okay. That's what you were saying. I thought you and you're starting a new material for the new material for the new hour but I'm gonna be

honest with you. It's going slow. Oh it always does. If you only go out one night a week. Yeah. If you go out six nights a week you'll get 10 minutes of fucking week. That's what I always figured out myself. Really? I want to go to the comic store two nights a week. Well when you walk in there you gotta follow Dave Chappelle Rogan. Yeah. What are you gonna do? You're gonna try your story about Isla at 11 o'clock at night? You don't have the heart to it. No. So you catch yourself doing the same fucking material but you don't want to look like an asshole. So what I did was cut out the store one night or two and now I go to different haunts like we go to Tuesday nights at a black horse or whatever the fuck it's called and you do 30 minutes 20

minutes and it's something different. I don't have to feel like fucking uh you told CAA's in the fucking room or whatever. I don't need that aggravation. You told us a joke the other night. I don't even know if it was you meant to tell it but I had written a joke similar to it on Saturday but my joke was so much weaker than your joke and as soon as I heard it come out of your mouth I was like fuck. I was like son of a bitch man I need to get on stage more because you just ripped it. I don't even know if you would even remember it but as soon as I heard it I went motherfucker. I gotta fucking I gotta fucking hustle. I want to start doing the ha ha more again too. If I taste them. Yeah. The ha ha is where I got the best at. Yeah. You tell how you want to close

the shows on the weekends. Yeah. Tell how I'll close both fucking shows basically but more importantly I'll close the late show. Let me do two spots somewhere else. I like the I like the ha ha energy. Yeah. If you go and I like the ha ha on Wednesday nights it's a great place. It's a great place to work. That's Jack Jr.'s night. That's Jack Jr.'s. Right now I'm about listen. I'm to the point in my life that I can't do something for six weeks. Like right now if somebody came to me and said Joey we have a sitcom it's going to be 11 weeks. Okay. 11 episodes. How many episodes am I doing? Eight. Can I do five? Like you follow me up to that point because I know you get to an age and you know yeah they come to you with all this shit and money and you know you know let me tell

you something listen I appreciate this and I appreciate that I appreciate this but I can't cover that spread. Yeah. If I had to do the whole outboard tour that's tough. Yeah. That's tough waking up and fucking West Bomb and I got to take a plane to Tampa then waking up again and taking an eight hour car ride that that's tough for three or four weeks in a row. You earned your fucking geetus. I was dreading that shit. You know why? Because I can't do that no more. I can't do that no more. I could basically go into a comedy club Thursday through Sunday morning. You got five good shows on. Yeah. If I go on the road for three weeks on the road I feel bad those third week because I become a robot. I really don't want to do it. Yeah. I really don't want to do it. I do

it because they trick me. They switch the week. They don't give me an extra five hundred dollars. You know and you're like against yourself and when you're there you're burnt out. Yeah. I could do two on two off all day long. I can do. I can do three. I can do three in a row. I can do three in a row. Two on one off. Great. Two on one off. No. I can do two on one off. Two on two off right now at this point in my life. Two on one off is fucking tough. I'm doing three in like right right when what was it September. What are we in August September October and October I start back up again. Like I'm off. I do one date I think in the very beginning of September September 9th 10th 11th I'm in Toledo and then I'm off until and then I go on cowheads

cruise for a week and then I start up hard in October. I do three on one off. I can't believe you already have new years. Yeah. Jesus you're a bad motherfucker. No. No. You know what it is? I don't know. I'll tell you off air. It's not. I'll tell you off air. So you do have new years. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But I don't have it new years. Nobody's even offered me a fucking new years. Really? But you know what man if you come to me with new years I'll tell you again. I think I'll turn it down anyway and I think my agent already put that buzz. I told him the truth. I want the ice house. Yeah. The back room at eight o'clock. I got offered new years originally real early but it was just a conversation with you know with Grossman and he just talking about

it. He's like hey you want to do new years. We're in the same room together and I was like yeah and the only reason it took off is that he he offered me I thought pretty solid money but someone said they could get me more money and they were like let's see if we can get you more money. I told Grossman I said I'm gonna see if I can get more money and he was like that's fine and I got more money but it was like it was a long I mean it was like I want to say it was like two months ago that I got new years but it was all based on Grossman. Mark Grossman just saying hey do you want to do new years in like I think it's in Philly. So you know I'm a good New Year's act because I drink so I think some clubs are like let's grab them for New Year's

now real early at a low price before he's got a new year's booked. So it's really crazy how when you drink on stage or beer sales or alcohol sales like 50% more through the fuck and it kills me that I'll do a shot or two from time to time but I can't put them down like you know more. Oh I put them down. You go to Texas and you start toasting them. They'll do one for one. I'm doing dude I just got I just started working in Texas again I'll do it next year. San Antonio I've never done it before yet it was on San Antonio. 17 years ago. LOL. This was a different one. This was the river the center the mall. Yeah I'm doing San Antonio for the first time. I'm excited too because you know our podcast numbers are big in Texas. Like I imagine we

probably the same podcast demographics like Ohio. You don't go to Houston or Dallas. Never. I used to go to Dallas a bunch and I got one complaint and they stopped bringing me it. Not I take that back that's that's inaccurate. I did get a complaint and I don't think I did it the next year but they've given me offers and I've canceled on them. So you know and my guy in Texas was Trey but then he I think he got fired. But that was the guy I love Trey I thought he was great and then in Houston I used to do Laugh Stop with Pete. Pete Pirelli you remember him? Yeah he just texted me the other day got a new wife. Pete was one of the best comedy club owners I ever worked for. Dude towards the end of my cocaine reign. He was he had the best

club in the world and Pete and the guy who had it before him it was also a big drug. Alcohol club. When you went to Houston for five days oh my god. Yeah. You were gonna come back fucking see if you could see Joey Diaz cold case from 2000. If somebody put it up online I want to show you what I look like. Really? After being in Houston for two weeks. Dude between the sugar and the Jagermeister. The fucking two eggs with french fries and toast at the Greek place. Yeah. And the fucking the kala cheese and the fucking this and that and this and that. Listen it's a goddamn shame. It's a fucking shame. That club that was probably I did more drugs at that fucking club than any club ever. And then Pete Pirelli took it over and Pete used to let me stay at his

partner's house. They said you could stay at the hotel they gotta come get you. Or you could stay in the condos where he lived with his wife and his parrot. Across. I used to stay across the whole way. Pete was a big video gamer. Oh my god and they'd skate they'd fucking see me the next day and go did you call the pizza last night in the middle of the night. And I go no why. They go oh we heard cars that's my drug dealer. I would never tell them you know. They had run it. Watch how big I was. This is 2000. Two weeks straight. Two weeks after fucking being in Houston. This is what I would look like. Swollen from the soul. This 2000. 2002. 2003. Maybe you can find this cab driver. We'll go visit ADA Kite and find out about that search warrant for Mr. Ridley's backside.

I'll never forget that morning and my girlfriend at the time picking me up going Joey you gained like 20 pounds. Joe take the first hack in line. You're the heck we want Ken. Do us a favor. Step on out of there. I was like Rafi. Oh oh. Oh Joey. Oh yeah. Yeah. Turns out he was murdered before the fire broke out. Look at the sides of my stomach. Ain't it. Look at my neck. What's it got to do with me. We heard you didn't like him. Did I cry him. He was up because he was a Jew. Joey because he was a drag. I was a long fucking time ago. What do you call for Cheney right. Relax is my drug bust. Well yeah. Look at the size of my stomach. I had no chest. I couldn't breathe like the cash selling merchandise to Mr. Cheney

except you used more than you sold. Ended up on Cheney a lot of money. I heard you had a real look. Damn Joey you don't even look at it. You don't want to turn this off not only enough when fucking watching some embarrassed enough. That's me after two weeks in Houston Texas. Wow. What does it make you feel like when you see that. I hate looking a picture of myself. I was a complete different person man. I was running with fucking D then. When I shot this year. This is 2003. 2000. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How fucking scary. That's right. He used to work down there.

I used to love that club. That was the first place they headlined me. Me too. Me too. I got Lee. I want to say I want to say. I mean he I brought I came in. Dane Cook was supposed to do a date and he backed out for the last minute and they plugged me in and I went in and I did I had a good time but I drank a lot and I remember Pete saying your numbers weren't good but my bar sales were the same as like so he's like I'll have you back and then he said you just had a baby. I'll bring this was 2004. He's like I'll bring you in. I'll bring you in for Thanksgiving. I'll pay you three grand by the way for people not knowing anything about comedy if you for your second time headlining

to get make three grand is ridiculous ridiculous and he said I'll put you up. You can bring the baby down. It was Thanksgiving. George's first Thanksgiving. We stayed in a hotel room and we got Thanksgiving delivered to our room for free. It was part of the package and dude we ate three Thanksgiving meals that day. It was one of my favorite weekends on the road ever. I walked away with three grand and I was like we're fucking rich but yeah. Pete was good to me. He was really good to me. And we drank hard. I still talk to Pete. I texted him the other day. I talked to Pete once a month out of respect. Pete's wife used to work for Pepsi so she got a ticket. They got divorced. They got divorced. This is how close I was with Pete and his ex-wife. They got divorced

and she called me the one time Pete bought me in and picked me up with her friend and took me to dinner by themselves to tell me that they were getting divorced and I was like oh fuck she was like listen I still want to be friends with you. I bought Georgia some presents and I gave me presents for Georgia and I went and Pete was like it's all cool. I heard you guys went to dinner like you know just you know but man that was that was really fun and I was just I'm working with Bob Bitterstaff, Jerry Rocha. The first time I worked with Jerry Rocha was at one of those. I talked his wife the first time to take out a picture of her ass with a thong on. He used to the lab stop. I tormented Pete's wife so much I kept saying listen though I got to take a picture

of your ass and finally she turned around and started taking them off. My face got pale because now Pete would know. Yeah and Pete knew what he didn't say nothing. He just giggled about it because she got a great ass done with you. I remember I worked with Kathy Griffin one time there and so like I was headlining. She must come in on a Wednesday. Pete's like come in Wednesday feature for Kathy and then you do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I was like okay so I come on Kathy it's sold out sold out and it's all gay dudes. It's not a woman in the room it's all gay dudes and I was very young in comedy and I just I don't know you get like you're like I'll go up I'll do like a gay joke or I'll like I'll break the ice. I just walked up

on stage and I was like what's up faggots and it went and Kathy like pulled me aside she's like why would you say that and I was like I don't know I was trying to say something cooler like I was trying to let them know that I was cool but I wasn't going to take a shit and she just and she was like listen next show because we had two shows on a Wednesday she was like next show just come up and be nice to them. I worked with Kevin Sessa with her feature act and I went up and I was like well first of all the gay people from that neighborhood are from Montrose yeah and they were very uh I used to go to all the restaurants in Montrose best food and fucking or they have a a restaurant called Maxwell's Maxwell's something like that and they had the best fucking

moat meatloaf and while I was eating I'm like these gay guys are coming in this meatloaf but I don't give a fuck it's that good this is HIV meatloaf is banging but I don't give a fuck Jack so I uh I uh I would do well in front of the Montrose crowd in front of the gay audience and you know I would just talk dirty and I'm fucking be crazy and talk about coke and ecstasy and they took the ride but that neighborhood there's a strong gay neighborhood really strong yeah really fucking strong they come out they smoke dope and they fucking do everything so yeah and you know what I remember one time I didn't get into somebody you know like when you get with a heckle yeah heckled when I heckled them back and I said what did you drive here in

and then he goes you know Volkswagen like are you in four of the facts and the Volkswagen thing out of somebody's suck somebody's dick and and I had them and I ran with it but they are already yeah like me you know what I'm saying I used to make man I did my first album which is horrible when you listen to it it's called Burt Burt Burt get download it is horrible but it's not bad but you can hear how young I am in Houston in Houston yeah that was that was the home for CDs back then they give you they give you uh they record all your shows all your shows and it was really good recording because I think bad had stuck stuck it up set it up for Hedberg and so all Hedberg's albums were recorded there and so I did my album out of there I edited it myself

I think I master it for me but yeah that that fucking it's crazy you know it's crazy to think where like that was back when like someone's like you could have a CD and that you would go like how could I have a CD like I don't have no one signed me to a deal to have a CD now you look at your like I'll just record my shows and release it as a CD like now it's so simple like I did we did that uh I get out of I I mean not to get to metaphors but like this whole thing you're talking about like Johnny Depp not watching him I shot something the other night just a fucking gag I thought it would be funny uh I posted it and it got like fucking 600,000 downloads on Facebook and like

and then fucking 600 retweets on or 400 retweets or 600 retweets on Twitter and every and now my and my agency mail me and they're like do more of this shit you're like I was just fucking around technologies change so much you could have a bullshit idea shoot it as a joke put it up I don't care if it gets 3000 views that just means no one saw it so I'm not embarrassed I fucking put it up and then all of a sudden it goes I mean not viral but like viral for me and then all of a sudden it's all over the map and then your agents are like do more of it do more of that shit it's I just think this business has changed so fucking much and then you overthink it then that thing goes big and you over you go I gotta shoot another one

and you overthink it you're like fuck then you're in your head you're like I don't know how to do it but those videos that they're great to shoot Damon and I shot 200 of them it's just that uh you need if you're gonna put them out they need to be heat you know they need to be heat and some people do well with them and then they start releasing them too much too much too much and then it dies it needs to be weird yeah that's the hard part like I don't know what to do like what happened was there was the Speedo Ryan Lochte thing went down and my buddy Josh Temple is on uh HGTDB and DIY now he knows I fuck around the speed I wear speedos all the time and he goes hey bird I don't know if you've heard but there's a hole in their roster I have these

like two videos that are really funny with drone shots that I just shot fucking around for trip flip and so I I post it one of the videos and it gets like good I get like maybe like 400 retweets I was like that's a lot for me that's a lot and then I know I have another one so I post another one and then I was like oh shoot this this fucking offer to Speedo I just shot it like probably did four takes I used one of the takes beginning then post it and then mass when it blew up and then you start overthinking it once you overthink it you're fucked you just like you're like ah fucking I guess I'm done with this project like why why fucking why overthink it make it bad let's end on a high note you know and then my wife's like like uh she's like get Joey I told premises on

pitching Speedo to be their new spokesperson like as they lost Ryan Lochte and I was like I'll fill that hole and I was like I can't swim I'm not that good looking at Speedo but I'll wear Speedo it's 24 hours a day as long as I'm under contract and I was like my agents Max Doublefield call me UTA and then Leanne goes what you gotta do is you gotta do one where Joey is your agent Max Doublefield and he just does it and fucking blows up he's like listen cock suckers you sign this motherfucker like does a Joey rant and you just stand there in a Speedo in your hero pose and Joey's just the puff daddy like this motherfucker look at him look at his mother look at his stomach like just a rant and I was like yeah but then you start going like yeah but then I don't know whatever we

tank yeah right we look like two fucking idiots we might as well get a fucking jersey and go to a game right if the team loses we gotta get off the train like you just go drive home on the train with that loser shirt on this shit why am I just yeah why not just do a podcast what we like do yeah do that no no no it's it's Lee pull up pull can you pull up my Speedo offer oh yeah I saw it I saw it the other day yeah yeah I didn't think he would talk I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about right and you said that I thought you had shot something with the girls no no no no no it's this it's don't pull you don't need to pull up okay let me give some fucking shout out to you are we wrapping this up couple minutes couple you can drink another one open that mother fuck up

Lee's ready to drink Lee how's those chocolate mushroom treat you what do you think dog talk to me they're pretty good I mean you want a bite absolutely let's do it let's go see the devil why not here's time let's finish this motherfucker once and for fucking wrong here it's Sunday night it's a fuck I gotta mix it with the edible leaf that's the only way it's good for me that's how I ate it that thing tastes like fucking the mushroom chocolate tastes a little funky I just swallowed it with water it tasted like it didn't taste good it didn't taste good I just swallowed it with water fuck yeah but it's got some kick to it it's got some fucking kick I don't know what the fuck Bert's talking about but I it's got some kick to it before I was looking

at you Bert and you were starting to look like your father I'm like holy shit but I see you over there making funny noises and sweating yeah I'm just sweating I'm sweating I've been sweating a lot lately I just started drinking again how long were you sold before oh not long like three weeks your body your body going to shock yeah kind of my body was like was like I think it was just was like hey are we gonna party man like we don't we have nothing to look forward to let's fucking get down so did you get like that because I always I survived on like fast food and I'm sweating you don't want to touch it do you not really are you eating that whole thing yeah I mean the whole thing um but so like it always used to surprise me when people would be like oh I went to mcdonald

and I feel like shit I would go there once a day oh no no I'm the exact opposite so no but when I was up so oh so alcohol does make you feel like shit no not at all like when I when I then I was I I did a podcast podcast with Christina Pijinsky and I talked about it so it's not like I'm telling a secret but I don't want to tell it more than I have to but like what happened is I kind of quit drinking and I felt I felt healthy but I just wasn't like cheery I didn't like I was just like I don't know I got home and I was like time to go to bed everybody and then we go to bed at eight and I would wake up at six I'd be like okay I'm up coffee and like it just didn't turn a corner oh you laugh at that he's laughing at me because he's watching me struggle to take this

internally either with this mint chocolate it goes down a lot easier I did it one shot you go do you do everything in one shot though because it's less painful you put you put too much pain you get all psyched up for a lead go lead lead lead I'm telling you you should eat it with a piece of fucking see it tastes like you're eating it like a pterodactyl yeah it doesn't taste good just let it melt in your mouth all over your tongue have some of that chocolate with it I'm telling you Lee there's the way to do it that's pretty oh that is a picture of why kids shouldn't do drugs hey if you're on the 18 get

off for YouTube right now oh my god I still gotta go to the commie store how do you think I feel what are you doing is this stuck on your tooth yeah I don't want and it has a mushroom in it and that this is like garbage anyway so I don't want to like close my mouth and get mushrooms I have to like get it out of my teeth oh yeah Lee while the funniest man I know truly they have to give you your own show I'm fucking serious so Ethan Buzzard Matthew Oliveris John Cutler my main man Lorinda Lilly Robert Sasso Crystal Jordan Crystal Oaks you sexy savage and ookie spooky down there in Austin we're like fucking 18 days away from Austin and we're like 24 days away from New York City but I'll see you cocksuckers Wednesday night at the ice house be there or be square 8 30

what else is going on with you sorry about that I got a little emotional that mushroom made me take off there for me I love this shit that was great what that's a little piece of mushroom I got nice and giggly before mushrooms are weight like honestly if you are a person who doesn't like edibles mushrooms obviously I haven't taken like a huge dose so normally I don't like can't speak from that but if you're gonna take a little mushroom or a little edible take mushrooms it's lighter like it is lighter edibles I think are more like I feel them in my tits and asshole like mushrooms are more like hey oh they're shadow people yeah you know like I never thought I always enjoyed I don't like mushrooms at night I'd rather mushrooms during the day uh but yeah if you and I can't do mushrooms

at night because we've got the kids walking around I can't do it I can't do mushrooms I can't do that shit at all with Mercy around I can catch the tail end of a pot cookie and Mercy's going to bed or something like that I get anxiety when she jumps on me or something but besides that I could never do anything like that around I would have a heart attack oh I can't do I would have a heart attack she's I'm gonna have to stop smoking soon or figure something different now really now that I have the back room I could stash it I'm thinking I'm getting this safe so she can't get the gummies she can't get nothing stash it and I'm trying to figure out she knows I'm going outside to smoke she knows she looks at me she doesn't know what it is no but she looks at my hand when I walk back

in all the time and she does in the Diaz manner so I know I know the look do you know what I'm saying you know the look she could be watching TV up close as soon as I come in so just call like that and look at my hand and look at me and look back at the TV she doesn't say nothing but she don't need to wink as good as a nut or blind thoughts you understand me yeah I know because I knew yeah that's how I when I used to go to my mother's bar that's how it starts mom why do three guys at one time go to the bathroom and then she would tell them the next day guys be careful around them because he why he's a little cop you know I'm saying I would go I would go back to my mom and go mom I was talking to Helio and he had rings around his nose and my mom would go no he was probably

he had a booger or something the next day I would hit my mom hey tell Helio not to fucking do blow in front of coca-coco because he watches he's like a little fucking cop oh in those days I used to be a torture chamber I didn't like right now how one I liked as a kid not to smoke but I liked it because my favorite person in the world that was his only vice and he had such a nobody had a better time smoking pot than the guy who baptized me in a church nobody I've never seen anything like that if I had a videotape of him rolling smoking it and then his attitude 10 minutes later everybody would smoke pot I never saw anything like that he's the main reason that I thought in my head that it was okay to smoke pot because he wasn't a boozer he sold drugs I think

I was too young but right after my dad died he picked me up every Saturday and take me to the movies on amusement park and he was a real godfather I mean he was committed to it yeah and then he would go on these little prison things and my mom would tell me he's in California in Miami and they would get out and they would start the same relationship again with him for two or three years but when I was about five or six he would take me to all those James Bond movies her majesty's secret service and really fucking mr. Fuji died yeah did you see that mr. Fuji died that was one of the badest scenes I've ever seen when he was throwing a hat great pull up mr. Fuji mr. Fuji that's one of the greatest scenes of and then they gave him a coffin they gave my when I was a child they gave him a

formula 44 commercial and he'd be coughed and he'd break up the whole house karate chop it and then they would stop it by giving him formula 44 really yeah well formula 44 I remember that come on now what a fucking thing put put in mr. Fuji formula 44 I'm coming at you motherfucker's heavy duty if you don't know what formula 44 is oh I thought you're talking about James Bond mr. Fuji yeah same mr. fucking Fuji no yes those are different mr. Fuji's no there was a Fuji that was a wrestler then there was the Japanese Fuji that threw the fucking hat around that's what I'm talking about same dude this guy got a commercial years later he got so much notoriety from go to mr. Fuji what are you doing mr. Fuji for your

I don't think they had the commercial fucked up already you have a hyphen in there okay you have like a tilde oh sorry well it's a comma I just put the common ones there you go put a hyphen in now mr. Fui mr. Mr. Fuji I don't think they have the commercial no no yeah this is same show me that show me something of mr. Fuji mr. Fuji James Bond go finger yeah that's it go finger why you put a comma in there because that's how you do it no you don't okay but start from scratch give everything a capital you see that mr. give that a capital over there then you go to college before fucking yes all right mr. Fuji gets a capital F2 Fuji gets a capital his whole family went to knock the socky and you don't want to give him the respect he fucking deserves okay now erase

James Bond all right just put mr. Fuji go finger try that can we fucking do that no no no give me the fucking give me a space mr. Fuji go finger with a fucking capital G con sucker it's a movie every day a request respect I'm telling you it's two different mr. Fuji's I'm telling you this has to be the fucking one leave how long did we click this done it's not the same person go to all all you mother fuckers are confused with me see I get all fucked up faster this is who you're thinking of what odd odd job sorry not look at this shit oh yeah you're right it's not mr. Fuji it's odd job oh then fuck him what do I care about this fucking guy that is two different Asian guys yeah no I don't know about this fucking I'm talking about the Japanese guy click our job fight

though I'm kind of interested would you stop I don't want to see our job fight I want to see do nothing look at this shit you know what he throws his hat yeah he's a little chubby Asian dude he was the best in in double assumption you know we got to do bird creation what's that we got to open up a business I got an idea for you let's do it you know what it is what bartending school bar bartending school how many fucking people went to bars I did I did to 50% really that's I didn't go because it was my dream I got a job and they said do you know how to bartend and I said yeah they go well do you know how to make a fucking martini dry and I go not really and they go all right listen we're gonna pay go there for two weeks from six to nine

once they certify you we can put you in bank and so you can make 18 bucks an hour it's 1984 18 bucks an hour plus a fucking bank would tip before hours wasn't bad so they paid the fucking two bills so I went to bartending school and that's so funny every time I go that's 7-11 there's a bartending school right next to it really yeah right right there I'm not the highest on Burbank on Burbank Boulevard you see Burbank Burbank and and uh was it Colfax no but I went I was this is how much of a nerd I was my me and my best friend from high school went as like the freshman year in like a summer of college when most good you're going on like spring break we went to bartending school just no no no you went to the cocktail or did you want to

meet girls no no we I thought we were like I was already a server so I thought I was gonna become a bartender but then they don't hire bartenders just straight out you need to like work your way up so it was worthless going to the school so yeah no and they didn't even have real alcohol they had like colored water it was terrible like that's what I did for a week or two weeks I did it for two weeks when it was pretty legit like they had booze there and three nights of the week people came in there for cheap drinks that's when you know you're an outie yeah when you go to a bartender school to get dollars shut up yes this was I mean you can go get drunk at bartending school in the school and drink the mistakes and shit oh fucking hilarious and I'll never forget

you know at the three nights you're like this is pretty much a joke like you know they start from scratch this is how you wash a glass this is how you put ice cubes in the glass the temperature on the water I already knew all those things from my mother's bar I just wanted to learn how to make those high-end rusty nails that's what that's what they wanted so I sat out till that and I put up with the bullshit but there was one dude who went in there and right from the jump he thought he was cocktail but this was way before the fucking movie cocktail came out and he was a black dude excuse me with an aphor I'll never forget this I don't know what his name was I'm sorry and he was throwing the bottles and they told you before class every time he broke a bottle it was 15 bucks

and fucking this guy like so what they would do is they from six to nine you would go in there and people creepy people would go in there and drink at this bartending school how great is that oh my god they were creepy as fuck and they were drunk already and they were just getting like alabama slam is for a dollar or kuba libera ray hounds for a dollar and shit like that you know but I'll never forget this black dude one night throwing bottles up and he had three of them and all three of them broke and I'll never forget that yo that's 45 bucks it don't look like you're getting your diploma because because you need to get your diploma on Friday and it was a violation if you thought like three violations he got three violations all at one shot so but here's the funny thing

so I went to one of the better ones I went to one of the better ones so at this place the one guarantee they made you was lifetime placement American bartending institute so I go to san francisco now I went to this bartending school february 83 by february 85 bartending was out of my system I was a full-time criminal yeah and I'm in san francisco and I'm trying to get my life together but I'm really just looking for a score and I'm walking down the big street and what do I see in san francisco but American bartending school let me run upstairs run upstairs there's two fucking dudes that will look like drug dealers they're scammers I'm like how you doing my name is Joey Diaz I went to American bartending school in new york city they said I had a lifetime

placement that goes you're absolutely uh you're right yeah let me call over there when did you graduate I go february 83 got picked up the phone give me a minute there was no computers and those the guys I got a guy yeah you had a call and then they put you had to check the file you know yeah and the chick got back on the phone yay graduated did great you know no complaints he was placed right away never a complaint okay we'll get you a job but they sent me to this mexican place it was weird first they sent me to an italian place and they wanted me to be there at 9 30 but you know me dog I gotta go at 8 40 yeah and I walk in there at 8 40 and they went somewhere and left the safe open in the back and I'm walking through going hello hello hello

like johnny angel on your first day and there's an open safe on your first day I open the door and the fucking two things around the trays and there's the bags the positive bags I just started putting bags and there was the change I put so much change on this that the jacket I had I had a suit jacket was hanging off me like a scarecrow I get out of there I get on the bus with my girlfriend at the time you don't even go back to like the job no no no there's no reason to application it's like I told it's like I told Kate Quigley once somebody fucked in the ass there's no more dinners you know what I'm saying once somebody taps that muffler and they ain't taking you out the dinner no more it's over from now on you get subway

sandwich a half so I got this fucking job I didn't I didn't get the job I didn't even leave an application like two days later they called the hotel like a time I was staying at the virginian hotel they called the hotel and they asked me Joey did you go for an interview and I go no I fell asleep I'm sorry guys and they go well somebody showed up and robbed the place are you sure it wasn't you and I go no wasn't me and they go yeah they nobody seen the guy he was like a fucking ghost so I was double checking that you you know it was fucking crazy yeah like you're gonna go yeah that was me oh it was hysterical yeah and then they sent me for another job at a Mexican place and two guys had interviewed me when the second guy came over and he goes is that

really your name Jose Diaz you really from Cuba yeah come away he asked me 10 questions he goes my name is Jose Diaz and I'm from come away Cuba so we sat there for two hours he bought me lunch really we're related in some sort of crazy fucking way shut up like second cousins he called Cuba on the spot like he was like we'll find we'll get to the bottom of this right now we looked this little the same like we were cousins or something like that we're in the same fucking town so he got me a job at a place called Rockin Robbins on the Haydashbury he goes I can't hide you if you want to wait a month I gotta I'll give you a full-time job yeah I'll give you a bar

back job I don't want to be a fucking bar back so he got me a job at Rockin Robbins on Haydashbury that's been closed you don't even know until there's a great little bar over there wow I thought he was a red robins at first fuck no this place had all Cadillac on the wall the front ends of Cadillacs yeah and when the DJ would put certain music on the Cadillac lights were going on and fucking tourists would go crazy long fucking time ago I was a doorman on Monday's in the bartender Thursday how many how many what states have you lived in New Jersey New York Aspen Colorado Boulder Colorado Seattle Washington Los Angeles California that's it that's about Houston never lived there

went on the road there yeah I guess I haven't lived that many places I lived in I lived in oh yeah I guess not I've lived in Tampa Tallahassee New York LA that's it how you feeling Lee you're getting spots oh yeah I can tell you're getting a little spotty this shit how you feeling you're rocking back and forth I'm good I can't tell if I'm hot or if I'm freaking from really high you want to put some music absolutely like Pink Floyd rock this motherfucker at least I am what a nice time this weekend so this is a birthday gift yeah this was a you got a nice little time together I can tell that you came back with refurbished looking your head shaved you're ready to rock this week it was uh

I'm just we have a good time just being together it's uh I was single for like three or four years I think in between college and coming out and I had a terrible girlfriend who was just like the worst and uh not everything like I'm not I'm not gonna say everything's perfect like nothing no nothing's ever perfect but like you and I were talking this is as perfect as it's gonna be as it's gonna be and then this is nobody's fucking perfect really nobody nobody meets on match.com no it's perfect and everybody will ask for fucking that but that's a that's a and you were saying to me like don't leave early on 30 and I was like but you know what man we have how long did it take you three three and a half hours four hours yeah so yeah but you know what we have

fun like what like I was thinking about it like yeah I could have done a little bit I could have sent a couple emails but it made her happy and we had we had fun listening to music I don't it's uh do you say I love you oh yeah it's been over three years so that's uh are you gonna get a pregnant let's hope not for a while that's uh how old are you 28 oh you're a baby how was she she's 26 oh yeah yeah yeah we had no you know this she uh I'm trying to talk to him from a living standpoint like I I do I did this mental survey yeah you know we as men you talk to other guys you're talking not to me but you talk to the guys you went to high school with and maybe one of them married a cheerleader you know how it is you take a mental fucking survey and I look at my life and

one of the one of the best things I did at 25 was meet the girl that I had Jackie with but at the same time it was one of the worst things because looking back I wasn't ready for a relationship with 25 guys you know were you oh no David I mean looking back 25 and I know you had girlfriends I'm not saying that you at 25 every guy in this room had a girlfriend but think of how it ended think of how it went think of how they pushed your buttons you didn't end up with them because nobody in this room got married at 26 or 27 we all maybe I made a mistake and even shacked up at one for years I want to live like Charles Bronson I never thought I would have lived with a fucking woman ever like when I was 21 if you would ask me would I live with a woman

I look at you and go not oh in a million fucking years you know it's crazy though is that now you can see how those women live their lives you can see them online and like one of the girls is taking planes down to Guatemala to help orphans for her church she's very very Christian I'm like oh thank god I didn't end up with that and then another one is posting like like inspirational but weird conservative inspirational female statements and you're just like like I'm like fuck that was the one like and then I look at Leanne and I go oh I'm so glad yeah I ended up with that fucking check oh I'm so fucking glad a great listener from the church I said something on a periscope and he sent some stuff to Lee and there was an old girlfriend of

mine and I had just said her name and it's my ex-wife with the fucking mic yeah and I clicked on the Facebook page and it was horrific oh I mean she hasn't changed I mean she didn't gain a pound she's still a pretty good looking girl yeah it just fucking hit me like a ton of bricks I was never even married to it when I saw her it reminded me how much I didn't want to be with it when we got separated it was just the only reason why I continued talking to it was because of a fucking child you know what I'm saying yeah so it was just kind of weird so I know how that hits you I was with a chick I was with a chick for uh five years in college now I thought I was gonna marry her totally thought I was gonna marry her she ended up fucking my best friend and uh giving

me the clap and I was fucking heartbroken that's a tough one oh dude you take that one on the chin looking at it coming at you that's five years of drinking trying to figure out what the fuck you did or 20 the uh but the fucking when you were a young man that's fucking heavy I slept with two girls Joey I slept with two girls that's it worn protection totally for one of them just didn't wear protection for the one that I did for five years because I was like I'm born in love that we wouldn't cheat on each other got the clap and it was fucking brutal I told her during this time I came back from Russia I told her I said I had met the guys from the state you remember the state the state on MTV Michael Wayne Michael Ian Black I wasn't watching TV this and so I met them in in Greece

and David Wayne had said to me about being a comic and I was like I got the seed in my head and in Greece I decided I kind of want to be a comic then you know I come home I tell her in confidence I think I want to be a comedian this is before I think she told me she had fucked my best friend I was laying her bed for the Miami Florida game and I was like I think I want to be a comic she was like oh honey you're an idiot like you're not fun you're not like smart funny comedians are smart funny you're stupid funny like there you'll never be a comedian and she wanted to be an actress and I remember being like I'll never tell a fucking soul my secrets ever and then I told the Rolling Stone people I wanted to be a comic and I ended up obviously becoming a comic and I've been doing it

for I think was 18 17 years but the the interesting thing is she's trying to be be off like a Broadway actress she's been trying to be an actress since she graduated college and she has had no success like none like just off Broadway shit I look back and I think had I not dated the one girl Kristen who that was the next girl after that was just kind of oblivious to the way the world worked and just was like you can do anything you want to do she's still posts inspirational feminist conservative feminist posts had I not dated her I don't know if I would have ever had the balls to do it and I had I stuck with that chick I probably would have ended up the same failure she is and you just think about all these little fucking things and like I remember thinking I got her

pregnant at one point and thinking oh this is this is what the universe wants and then you're like oh fuck this the universe doesn't want any of this shit the universe and then and then I remember being alone in New York being like oh the universe wants me to be alone right now the universe wanted me to be be stricken of all these female opinions and form my own about life those are the best times in the world I like I look back I'm like I'm so glad for all this shit like you know not to bring it full circle but you know this tour was going to be a big deal for I think both of us and be a lot of fun a little feather in the cap and a little bit of money and a lot of fun but then when it went away I went I saw it as like the universe going like hey man you're renovating

your house you should be here with your family and experience this change at the time same time they experience it I have a certain blessing on me and it's been like that for years if it's going to happen it's going to happen yeah and if it doesn't happen something happened that didn't want you to happen the hands like that three years from now you'll look and go that's why I didn't get that look the movie fucking bombed anyway here I was sick to my stomach over the holidays because I lost the holidays yeah because you auditioned December 18th and they tell you they're going to tell you January 8th and also you got to sit through the fucking holidays thinking did you get it what did you say in the audition what did they say to you did they make

you a hint did they say something what's up see like that's that's hard for me like you guys had this tour canceled on you there's nothing you can do about it mm-hmm for me like that's like okay cool I feel bad for the people people tweeted me did not know Atlanta was canceled did you know that yeah guys I got pictures of people with tickets tickets and all that shit so I felt very bad but at the same time I kind of felt relieved guys I kind of felt relieved I'm not gonna lie to you if it's meant to be it's meant to fuck it it's meant to be it's meant to be let me tell you something I'm going to use city I get on the 405 and the tank the train tips over and I missed the 730 flight I cancel that week yeah that's a sign telling me you know what it's blocked they're gonna open it

in four hours yeah you go around and reschedule your flight whatever but this is something telling you you don't need to go you turn around I do that with I do that with when you get to an airport and they're like if you rush you can get it I go no no no what if I don't yeah life life knows how to throw you different fucking curveballs and they give you little messages to write it don't give you life gave Lee a fucking message Saturday night Friday night he went down there to jump up and down he jumped up and down three times he said am I fucking retarded yeah look at these fucking people gloves on and this is not I still listen I love black Sabbath I listen to something from black Sabbath every day they're gonna be here a month from tonight tomorrow night really yeah

they're gonna be at the Hollywood Bowl you and I both know on paper it's a great fucking show we get to do some chocolate mushrooms and smoke some dope and really get a good show guys if you want I can lie to you and tell you I'll meet you at the Hollywood Bowl if you want I can lie to you and tell you I'll meet you at the Hollywood Bowl don't count on me I love black Sabbath whatever the final tour I know they're never gonna perform again neither was fucking the monkeys and they always find the way you know what I'm saying every who's always gonna quit then they don't quit who feels like an asshole you because you went to the last fucking tour yeah and then you go to the last last tour then the last last last tour when they're you know it's just so I want to go I mean this is

it yeah but I can't imagine myself there for two hours jumping up and down and then driving out of the Hollywood Bowl parking lot down on fucking Highland and fucking Franklin and trying to get Uncle Wenger before the rest of the fucking mooks because I wait for that uncle and I start walking up fucking hill no what if what if what if uh what if an agent called you and was like Joey here's the deal you got your backstage passes it's all your run do whatever you want back there we got you a box seat up front you go if an agent calls me and says they have backstage passes for Ozzy Osbourne and black Sabbath and I can meet him yeah I'm going but I only hang out till 15 minutes you're not going to watch a whole show I would destroy my insides I think

really I don't know why do you put me through these fucking jeopardy questions what if okay what if they said wouldn't it be nice if they're like a little nice after party good food backstage hang on with the band if somebody who was my friend like Lee or you or Damon were there I'd feel more comfortable I wouldn't feel like an asshole okay completely let's let's 20 years ago 30 years ago I wanted to kill myself at a black Sabbath concert like I was gonna shoot myself in the head of the Ozzy Osbourne concert a bunch of us were like listen let's just take those fucking at aspirin remember when people poisoning people in aspirin's oh yeah yeah yeah I love Ozzy Osbourne I like everything black Sabbath stood for I was there since fucking since sabotage the first time I saw that album

cover I was like wait a second what the fuck is that and I'm gonna bring it home and put it on and go and oh my god I have to smoke pot to understand this yeah like I have to get high to figure out what the fuck they're saying and that's what made me get high that's my godfather getting high cutting up the weed then he would smoke and then he would giggle for hours that's the best old school old and they throw away the half of joy and that's it he would drive me back to my mother's and then he would tell me don't tell your mother about me smoking pot I don't want it up that's the best part of smoking pots giggling and I wouldn't tell my mother and when my mother smoked pot in front of me I wouldn't tell him so I was living like a double fucking age

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week have a great Monday get ready for Labor Day we'll be back Wednesday you cock suckers I love you don't forget Wednesday night the ice house next Thursday Flappers the no expectations tour stay black this show was brought to you by Datusara go to dsgear.com and use promo code Joey to save 5% on all their extremely high quality functional gear that's made with hemp tag styles they have banks geese rash guards and much much more go to dsgear.com slash joey right now or into promo code Joey when you check out to save 5% off show is also brought to you by onit.com go to onit.com and use promo code church to save 10% on all their amazing optimization products like alpha brain new mood shroom tech immune and shroom tech sport

oh though No puede vacilar Si donde quiera que se mete, oye Su caca lo va a buscar De noche brinca la verja Oye, que está vica, y te vica A ver si puede jugarse

Sin que ella lo quede a ver Y no tan pronto, no, no, no, no, no No tan pronto, esta es mi fiesta Silbando el pelino Y en el que echar a correr Esto si es serio, mi amigo Oye, que lío Pero que lío

Que lío se va por bar Que el que a su gata le cuenta Que el que a su gata le dice Me nada más que un rato Un rato De cualquier malla Salio un rato, oye De cualquier malla

De cualquier malla si sale Pero sale sale un rato De cualquier malla Salio un rato, oye Oye, que todo sale Que todo dice que todo puede jugar De cualquier malla Salio un rato, oye

De cualquier malla Ayúdame mamá mía ahora Que ya estamos en la sasa Santa, mona mía Besa mía Jorge, Santana Santa Santa

Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa

Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa

Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa Santa

Santa Santa Santa Santa Hey, Santana! Hey, Santana! Hey, Santana! Hey, Santana!

Hey, Santana! Hey, Santana! Hey, Santana! Hey, Santana! Hey, Santana! Hey, Santana! Hey, Santana! Hey, Santa!

Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa!

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Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa!

Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa!

Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Hey, Santa! Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Ch Chaco Chaco Chaco Chaco Thank you for watching!