Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #410 - Troy Conrad

Episode Date: September 5, 2016

Troy Conrad, Producer of the Set List show (television and live show) and photographer who, among other projects, shoots his "Hall Series," which is black and white photographs of comedians and performers at The Comedy Store in Los Angeles.  This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines   Recorded live on 09/04/2016.
    

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We start with Spanish music it's gonna be fucking dangerous I Little song from narcos that we've been playing for fucking three years on this thing only the live version This is when chao was solo on his own music, but he was starting to find a label, but who gives a fuck It's the church of what's happening now bitches going into you smooth September 4th kick that lead kick that lead We go to Oh shit

Oh shit, when we go into something like that smooth, it's all over for you motherfuckers Greetings. Happy Labor Day. Uncle Joey Diaz with his main motherfucker Lisa Yat and my main little brother here Troy Conrad What's happening gentlemen? Hey, I was a weekend. Oh, I had a fun weekend. What's Speaking of this like the music on on that is great. Just like you ever especially in LA Whenever like I get like a a fucked up traffic thing or someone calls and I get distracted I'll just end up on like Mexican music or some some like southern American music and it's just like I'll just find myself Listening to it, and I have no idea what they're saying or what's happening It doesn't really matter, but it just it just and it all sounds similar, but it's just spirited. Oh, yeah

You can always You should feel the music and like your soul. It's a corny saying. No, yeah, it's true Sometimes if you feel it could be any night, they don't even know that you don't even need to know the fucking words Don't even need to know the words You know what the fuck he's saying through his music if you really put that song on over and over and over Then you figure out one word and maybe two then you got it fucking down Now you're singing the song in a different language. It's better than you you get arrested and fucking Albania You know the song of the hottest singer

Fucking American, you know Albanian music, you know, you ever see Splash With John Candy one of the greatest movies of all time Yeah, how he gets the check out of the tub is he brings his brother, but there's Swedes And all of a sudden the guy starts talking to him in Swedish and John Candy just tells him a swedeline and Fucking on the walk-in Tom Hanks ask him what you say to him and he goes He goes every any fine kind of sword knows that all the best porn is made in Sweden And I'm fucking dying right he goes he goes I said to him. Hey, Malik, you know, whatever the fuck Who's fucking the bro? I don't know exactly the line

I know people gonna get pissed at me because it's a classic movie. He's like who's gonna fuck her or whatever Yeah, and the guy laughs in English, and that was the sweetest guard laughs So you never know what you learn from what you listen to it could be anything, you know some about the culture It's the it's the great connector. It's really weird if you're a fan of the Beatles You know that their music changed and for an album when they went to India They went somewhere and they were playing fucking harps and there's one album I don't revolution maybe don't quote me again That they went over and took that music and applied it to some of their songs and it worked out perfectly

Because if the music's good it'll all make sense It'll all make sense like rap and fucking Arrowsmith that time, you know run DMC. I wasn't I wasn't a big fan of that But it did do something It did do something and let you know anybody could do it and it turned look at what happened ten years later 15-20 years later a guy by the name of kid rock fucking shows up doing that shit. So It's music could always be fucking merged Troy Conrad is a buddy of mine that he had to refresh my memory how we met

I had was under the impression. I didn't know nothing about comedy or nothing I thought you were like a producer guy that and you were like one of the producers on What's his name show on set list? Oh, you thought I was with the green room green room for some reason I thought you were like one of the producers on green room and there's a lot of guys that you know Eric Abrams, yeah, I have ten friends that they just do things in LA Yeah, one day you go shoot a movie and then and the fucking movie set one day and sometimes they're taking pictures Sometimes yeah, it really doesn't matter and I I kind of appreciate that sometimes I kind of like that when people do that because what you're telling me is that you're making a living bitch

Yeah, you're making a living bitch. You put that together one way or another. What's the kid from the store? He's like dog shit Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins. He's unbelievable. He's like dog shit. He's everywhere He's on this show that show why because you put hustle it You can't get mad at Jeremiah Watkins at all because those are the kids that don't always work in this town He's got the hustle. Yeah, but so do you Yeah, well, look, I like doing I'm always involved in all kinds of different stuff, right? But I'm I'm just in that that weird creative world but I just like what's important to me is doing stuff that matters instead of uh

Making a living at doing something that I hate and and if it's you know what I mean like Go like I don't do the reality tv thing and all that stuff because that's to me That's not I can't be happy with that at the end of the day. So if I'm taking pictures if I'm making a movie if I'm Producing a show creating a show. That's that's what I that's where I want to be So it's hard to say what I do because it's it's fucking a little bit all over the place But man, I love it and it's all it's all rooted in the comedy world because that's my world Now we always have conversations. You're a fan of the pilot Jesus Christ Yeah, I love the show you left something here like a piece of chocolate or something

Jesus christly. I can't take it nowhere He left a piece of chocolate in the goddamn bung on the inside. I had some crazy ideas. We're gonna say Oh my god, no, I didn't this is the chocolate from the mushroom Or somebody's lung or a piece of fucking blue apron I don't know what the fuck this you brought that blue apron me I you know, I thought you were on that and then you Guys like you stay 50 feet away from me Like nice guys like you just fucking stay the fuck away from me. They're like, you know what joey's trouble

He's gonna touch me with that t8c finger Something's gonna happen. I'm gonna crash my car. So you'd always approach me. You're always a sweet guy And deep down inside. I'm still a crazy new yorker Like I have no idea when people approach me. So for like a year you would come up to me going I got this show and I go, what the fuck is he talking about? You know, I I called you the other day and I tried to explain to you People come to talk to me at night like unless you call me at home and go, hey We're gonna talk fucking business tonight about my show. Okay. Yeah, but if you come up to me unexpectedly like I look at you

People said to me joey that night I went up to you looked at me like Because I'm fucking a I'm coming down off this fucking stage thing Or I'm about to go up. So my head's somewhere completely different. Oh, yeah, somebody got mad at me one night I was taking pictures of the guy she came over. She goes, hey, can you talk to me about a show? I go, hold on. I'll go over there when the guy took 40 minutes by the time I got over there She was gone next day. I got a hate mail on my facebook Oh, she's had a big pain gig for you. Go fuck yourself. You're rude Well, we're gonna tell these people to go fuck themselves because you want to talk to me about a gig

This is a surprise to me. Like it's just crazy sometimes where my head is at night Plus I'm thinking about my daughter and my wife and we're gonna move and the special And the cats and lee and then you got all these thoughts going through your fucking head And at the end of the night, it's like people come up to me like you want to get high? No If you know what I was going through right now, you wouldn't want to get high either Because up Laurel Canyon, I was fucking my head going upward my head explodes with all the thoughts not to mention about my set Yeah, I'm thinking about my set. That's the closest I'll remember once I get over cold water. It's over I'm thinking about where to stop

Who's got rolling papers? Get up then I go into whatever I'm fine for a little while Do you ever have those times where somebody's talking to you where you literally have zero seconds to go on stage? So you haven't even thought about like what you're gonna say and you walk on stage because you were just in some conversation You ever have that Sometimes the conversation helps me. I gotta be honest with you sometimes I like when somebody comes up to me and annoys me That makes sense. No, I pray for that. I pray for somebody to come up to me that I know

What a stupid question that knows me But he's all fucked up because what happens is people who know me Them too at night they get fucked up like I have a friend That constantly that's a comedian a well-known comedian He only calls me saturday nights at 9 30 To say what you're doing how your week is going. I'm like, listen, what the fuck do you think I am? Yeah, guess what last night he didn't call me. So today I called him. I go. I just want to tell you Last night was the first saturday four weeks. You didn't fucking call me. I'll be home for two weeks

He'll never call He'll call me as soon as they get on the fucking plane they go. Hey, you want to go eat lunch? I just told you a month ago my dates It's fucking crazy. So the mind listen I Understand a lot of people because I know what I'm going through I know when You have all this shit on your plate and people really can't grasp people have no idea

How to grow away you I look at somebody and I could tell they're in deep thought I look at somebody and I can tell what's kind of going on If it's a good time to talk to them, especially if I'm selling, you know, there's always fucking something That's why when lee comes to me goes hey these people contact them and say, whoa Let's take a step back take a breath And go in there with a clear mind I've noticed in dealing like starting my own business and then just in dealing with people who are working by themselves And I did it a lot when I was really new at it

Is they try to oversell sometimes so they get really excited and like even after you say yes They're like, yeah, but it's going to be great because of this and like I already said, yeah And then they keep going and going and it really you said something like we've been to a You hear a lot in LA. I'm going to a meeting. I haven't really been to any I've been to like two meetings Both with you joey, and I'm always like because I don't I don't want to Talk out of bounds. I'm like, what should I say? And you're like just let them talk Yeah, like there's no reason to talk first and like so just it's it was it very interesting. It was a very, uh Like it's important to learn that because you don't want to go to that big meeting

And over talk you see it if you've ever been to a meeting with somebody's out of line You fucking feel it in the room. You're like, Jesus christ. What is this guy tame him down? Somebody tame him down It's not good It embarrasses me. I went to one in january. I met a guy at a christmas party That was trying to sell me that stuff again lea A year later nobody's using That shit with the viral view of your podcast so you could see the corner

Oh, and he took me to lunch and it was just a fucking beating Because before you sell let's talk Yeah, I tell even the guests on the show come a little earlier so we can chit chat smoke a bowl I don't want to throw you through the fucking lions. I want to slow you down One of the most genius things I ever heard was gambino Always had his wife Answer the door Why isn't it because he wanted her to slow you down

I don't give a fuck if I just talked to you on the phone and said lee come right up the stairs Come on talk to me about what troi did to you He was always in the back room in a meeting And as fired up as you were he had her stop you at the door Sit you down give you a cup of coffee or for your cookie. Yeah So we're a little zen in now you're around a woman That could be your mom. You know how you're gonna act around your mom. It was a genius move Uh and that I I didn't think it was a gene

I'm not a gangster, but I thought it better from the other way how you have to slow your horses down a lot In life, you know when you first come here, you could see the guys that That nose is wide open not that they're doing drugs, but they want to be a part of everything You know and they want to be one I want to be on that show three. I just gonna be there. I gotta be there. I gotta show three. That's how funny I am And it's kind of and I gotta be honest with you. I was part of that, you know, I was a young comic I was a young I've always been a dinosaur But I know what it's like to be in this town and be overly aggressive

You know a lot of those those roles I got I got them in my own because I was sending my own paperwork Called the casting office. That's unheard of That's unheard of but I didn't give a fuck. I'm trying to sell a job. I'm trying to pay the bills Troy you said something very interesting when you at first started you said you didn't want to do reality TV And I know there's a lot of people in LA listening and even New York like when I first came out here I was very lucky and very happy to have had a job But my job was in reality

And it's just so easy to get because that's all it's a big part of the all they have out here And like I've never once worked on like a scripted show Or anything like that And that was a movie and that's just so hard to get that you get in you get in this little rhythm of reality shows And then 20 years later you've edited 20 years, but it's all reality shows. So it's It's sort of like the nose wide open thing you you should come here and maybe not take the first job That's offered. Well, no, but you get a good start that way, you know, I mean start with you

They're all stepping stones. Yeah those jobs are all stepping stones to film And tell of it, you know, somewhere along the line some guys in the company go I just got a show as a producer I'm the assistant Is it reality? No, it's fucking CBS It's a show with kevin james and marlo hara, whatever the fuck and you're gonna be my uh producer assistant Now you do that for two years the guy quits. He snorts coke fucks the receptionist Cheats on his wife. He quits and guess who gets the job you do now. You're a fucking producer on the show for two years

Maybe it stays on for three years seven seasons. You're a producer for four years You're making pretty good fucking money You're doing two seasons a year and now people calling you going you want to produce my fucking show on mbc Bam you are from reality the fucking producer. Oh, it's crazy. Like that's how fucking crazy this world is Right as soon as like I finished like I was about to make the move They're just doing this full time I I literally I went and I went to the meeting at the editors union because I had a amassed enough hours and

From my sat from my position, which wasn't great. It's an assistant editor I was gonna make two grand a week on a union tv show With when and then with because the union I would have gotten like health benefits And yeah, like maybe I wouldn't be that thrilled with working in reality, but 2000 a week. Are you serious? I was like three years out of college. I was like, oh shit. Yeah Why don't you pursue it? You didn't want to go forward? That was right when I decided to do this full time and it was just I didn't It just you were just talking about levels. It's stepping stones

It's it's kind of hard to get a union a gig because they're so well-paying but I was just I didn't want to Like we I had just spent we talked a lot about how I was so fucking tired I was working 10 to 12 hour days editing and then coming here. So And that's it wasn't my issue was never really My like morality or like my artistic sense because like I didn't I wasn't really in it for like art I was just doing it

But I just myself wasn't happy. Yeah, so that's I guess I guess I can two sides of the same coin But right but within that world like let's say you're editing in reality television Within that world you can still do something that matters You can still do something that's that's a little bit outside the the ordinary and make yourself Like doing something great for you. That's what it's about not I don't mean it in the artistic sense I mean like just something that makes you happy That's like maybe contributes in a way to that show that the producers go. Oh, that's fucking amazing We didn't even think of it this way. That's a really great editor. What like editors control everything editors are the ones who make the movies

Make the shows. Oh, yeah, and then I'm not I'm not trying to bash on people in that industry That's some of the smartest people like my first boss ever been to bono essentially created youtube He created america's funny stone videos in 1988. There's something like 20. This is probably 26 or 27 seasons They have shows all over the world He's a genius. I'm I'm just saying for me. I wasn't happy. Yeah working in reality and This has been

I mean, what's better than than doing this in my god. Oh my god. You guys this show what this show does for people It's amazing how much it affects people you just you just look at the comments that people make and the way it changes How many emails you guys get to tell people like this is this is fucking incredible change in my life, you know Well, you know, I thought I always thought the truth uh Helps people I always knew that I had this truth that I hadn't said to anybody Just talking about what happened in your life and somebody hearing it That that happened to you know, they giggled they go. Jesus christ. I don't feel that bad. It's just not me anymore. You know, it's uh

It's just so weird how this podcast has grown and the people that contact me and the different emails I get and You know today, I answered 30 emails. Wow and the emails are usually about the core of the show which is Being scared and still going for it Because being scared and not going for it. You're not gonna get nowhere in your fucking life uh With the drugs how that affected us, you know, you and I we were all talking about drugs for 20 minutes at the beginning of the show

Which is really interesting conversation about how drugs evolve in your life And I didn't know I didn't know about that Toe cocaine like how after seven years the drug goes from being a social drug to probably like my 70th year it became a uh anti-social drug which just instead of having 15 people in the room I got it down to maybe three

And by 1994 I had it down to nobody And I would have a party by myself and get drunk and talking to the mirror like denzel and man on fire Wave a gun around and act like a fucking moron and uh I saw the evolution of it. I saw how it made me anti-social. I'm usually a person that Likes at least talking shit with somebody in an apartment doing some coke whether it's have Three males or whatever the fuck, you know But I saw how that and I'm seeing it now with weed

How sometimes it kicks off It used to be the edibles when I went to jiu-jitsu And I stopped all that and sometimes edibles when you take that extra step The extra 200 milligrams for us like in san jose that time that was 500 milligrams And I eat three queens of that now And I'll never forget that my body started changing right there And I had a gas to the manager. I go go in the kitchen and just take a play to something I go because I'm gonna fucking it's gonna go. I gotta eat something to stop this animal from growing

Wow But now I'm starting to get anxiety. I was telling you that Last Saturday I had anxiety and I had to follow. Nope, you know, just one of the regular guys at the store Wasn't like I had to follow. Fuck my D. Murphy or Richard Pryor And I got this dose of anxiety. I had to find the worst was Megan Mooney that night. That was the fucking worst Morgan Murphy that was the worst Where I was sitting in mittish chair Fucking dying, uh, you know

It was just terrible It happens. Is it if once you get on stage is it still with you or it's gone? No, it's gone. Yeah, that's it I look at the anxiety before I go on stage As fear. Yeah, and fear is healthy. Yeah, it's always I feel as healthy It's healthy to feel for you. I totally think so very healthy, especially when you're in that Any you're putting yourself in the right position when you go cross train I'll look at Lee and go Lee today. We're gonna do 400 pounds You know throw it up in the air and run under a 10-time think catcher. You don't look at me and go joey. Are you fucking kidding me?

I got to take that fear from you and that's what happened to me with jiu-jitsu Like I was really scared like sometimes when I just tap hands for you My anxiety level goes up and after I let you throw me down and stuff And I tap then I get momentum again. I go. I'm not gonna die. I don't know what I'm anxiety about now I start putting up resistance now that first Thing that first hyperventilation for me is always bad God forbid I got put put fucking

Stars in me or something like if I have three stars in me in the morning And I go to a radio station and then like you got to walk up steps I can't walk up those fucking steps like listen. I don't want to see no stairs When I'm on other bulls, I don't want to see no fucking stairs. Sometimes I take them early before the airport. Oh my god That american airline you got to walk to that fucking terminal or southwest. You're hoffing and puffing I get fucking anxiety. Just just sometimes when I grasp for and I can't get it. I get anxiety That's why I got the nose surgery and All that shit, but back to stand up

I think that The anxiety is healthy. It's fear those butterflies man. Yeah, that's what it's all about I know that when I feel those and and then I have the choice to go or not go Like to just say, oh no, I got these butterflies. Maybe let's get the fuck out of here When I go through with it, it's always amazing because it's like I've maybe overcome some hurdle like that fear looking it in the face and Just diving the fuck in the pool

It's like that did something for me Just that alone, you know When I'm not nervous, okay, whatever, you know But that like that anxiety those butterflies like just go don't don't do this go That's that's when the good shit happens Because like you you just put yourself in that arena and there's arrows coming at you and you're swatting them off Like david, you know, whatever the guy in kung fu now. What is david carry now? What is The

definition of fear like The fear before I go on stage Resistance the fear of Okay, like I something came to my mind one time I was trying to break into his bookie's house and he had a fucking dog All week I fed the fucking dog. I didn't think he was gonna turn on me the night of the robbery He turned on me the dog and he chased me And not only the dog chased me cops or flashlights were chasing me was a dark hallway behind an amp in western new york, new jersey I'm 57 to 58

That fear I think of that fear I had that day I don't know what I was more scared of the bookie catching me the cops catching me or the dog catching me But I remember one You know when I fucking ran after I ran like a half a mile That fear just disappeared. I remember laughing my fucking ass off running Like running and looking for cop cars and I couldn't stop fucking laughing. I loved breaking into apartments For the thrill of it Not like a

Like if somebody said lee has coke in that office, that's where they weigh the coke and stuff They have a safe. You know how many fucking safes I just picked up and walked out with Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know how many fucking safes in my day? I just picked up people don't nail down safes. No, here's the thing lee. I never knew about this shit Okay, I never knew nothing about safes. I was never a safe cracker If I walked in the house and there was a safe I felt like shooting myself Because I knew nothing about safes and I when I was about 20

When I was before I went to colorado at my friend's house. There was this dude that was like a westy One of the irish mob guys nice though. He's talked to him. He had brothers. He had daughters and kids and I talked to him and one day he was talking to me about fucking um Getting a job at this place for him As a case he goes, you know the case of joint because he knew I was a burglary He knew I was a thief and he goes, you know how the case joins pretty good. He was you want to case him for me? He goes, you're not gonna get in trouble. We get your job in there. You go to work there for three weeks write everything down

And then uh, we go in there and I remember telling him there's a safe and he goes perfect Look to see if it's bolted down And I said to him so let me ask you something If there's a safe you guys take it because I could get anything open just not there We don't have the time to do it there. He goes. I got a friend that has a body shop And they get it open over there. They'll fucking burn that fucking door down So I learned from him that you would take safes

Then in 83 I burglarized on christmas eve. I burglarized the family mall at the snowmass village fucking resort up there Christmas eve christmas day if you woke up and asked me that said Snowmass village mall burglarized christmas eve. It was me on a drunk rage In those days I used to drink uh Southern comfort. No, no, no, I was done with southern comfort. There was something else creepy. I was drinking I was drinking like a lousy like something like that with orange juice And I would get three of them in me and I go back to thief. I felt like thief and I would get drunk to become a thief And I would and I remember one night I was like fuck this shit

And I first went and broke into this one place and took like 800 out of there And I kicked this other door down and took like I picked up the recast register and took that home Then I went back up there and I broke into this. I mean this place was You know those malls that they have everything tiles goggles suntan lotion. It's ski season now. So they had fucking Hats goggles gloves scarves, you know shit like that and uh I the door it was one of those doors where you had to was put your two hands on it It's 1983 guys where it was put your hands on it and pulled

I just broke the bolt with my bare hands like I just went bop It opened up I closed it and I took a walk to see if the alarm went off a silent alarm I waited 20 minutes. No silent alarm. I walked back I fucking ran in there all the registered had that regular shit and they're $10 in singles So you took a walk outside of the mall after you opened the door Jesus christ it's Because I wanted to see if the cops are coming. I could see the cops coming at me like narcos I had a lookout. I was a lookout. I could always see because cops won't put the siren on but always put the lights on

So I would look for the fucking lights li and if I saw the lights I get the fuck out of there You know, I knew that place and I could run around this building and through this building. There was no cameras in those days You know now you can't do that the fucking satellite picture Or you need 72 hours and they'll get a satellite that was in that area To photograph that thing and you're dead. You're dead the mortal Yeah So I uh went back in there. I went they had like three registers where people could check out, you know

postcards and shit You know 10 singles a roller nickels And I went to the back. I kicked the fucking door down in my drunk and there it was The fucking safe was right there one of those skinny saves with the combination of the top How much that thing weigh? Whatever it didn't fucking matter I went no hand truck. I took a hand truck. There was a little hand truck in the back I took that fucking hand truck and I wheeled that savage home and I put it in my buddy's Jeep

And the next day we didn't went to glenwood springs and we cracked that motherfucker open I hit it out like 20 times with a sledgehammer that didn't do nothing You have no idea I lost 18 pounds of that but I fucking can't count it And then when else I robbed another safe one time I robbed the safe in guttenberg, new jersey at the galaxy towers. I was working as a maintenance fucking man there I would write the orders for people so I would have to deliver the spot to the apartments No bonded no background check They just gave me a place to go

That you could take keys off the wall And they would have three or four keys on each loop. So I just took a key for each fucking apartment I had a key for the whole fucking building the galaxy. They got three towers This is back in 84 And I would fucking go drop off the material people's apartment. Hello, mr. Syad And I would just say you here and I would keep going back then whatever I could take I was crazy guys. I was fucking crazy and I went to this room one time. There was another safe

So I kept the key. I took it off the loop And I I realized that the people went on vacation. They were like in europe or something like that So friday night, I got fucked up with my friends. I told them to wait downstairs. I just walked up like I owned the building though But the safe carrier downstairs like a fucking Put like a blanket on top. Yeah like you work like you just run a delivery like you're the guy that doesn't one person So I mean I put it on and again I had to take it to fucking seacork and some light on fire And that had like a string of pearls and I got like the small 2000 And then the biggest one that's known is me and josh wolf

That time he'll tell you that was the heaviest safe ever He'll tell you that adrenaline that that criminal adrenaline that you get that's a complete different adrenaline There's sports adrenaline Then there's criminal adrenaline that shit's crazy. That's what makes somebody stab you anytime You know, it's hunger. It's desire. You want to fucking be a big shot? You know And he said there was going to be 50 grand in there from the boston red socks yankees as seattle mariners series yankees mariners This is back at 90 Seven eight

He's like, yeah, there's going to be fucking 30 grand cash from all the people by beers at the bar He was going to be out of town. So we got this other guy got this other guy. They go listen I got this look outside Do you know what? He was parked outside a cop pulled next to him Like just to pull next to him like to get coffee And there's this guy waiting. I'll never forget this. I looked out and I saw him next to the cop and I thought we were dead And something made me wait five minutes and the cop pulled away And then he pulled the car in front of the back door and I carried the safe that safe

Had at that time way. I don't know And I fucking didn't pick it up. I just pulled it And rolled it on the car, but you could hear the flow Then there were stairs. I just threw it down the fucking stairs And it just busted the stairs and I jumped after it. I grabbed it And then there was another set of concrete stairs I fucking take that and I fucking carry it to the door. I'm sweating my hands are cut I'm bleeding, you know, my heart's pumping. I'm drenched in sweat

You're drenched in that criminal adrenaline. That shit makes you fucking sweat everywhere I pulled that motherfucker out Frankie the whatever his name was pulled up. We popped this trunk. We both fucking we couldn't pick. I mean, it was horrific We picked it up to the bumper We've got to get out of here the cops gonna go we just flipped it in the fucking car sank It was like a low rider. We fucking took it over the bridge Took it to where I lived there. We fucking cracked it cracked it cracked it I go to open the fucking thing and there's a bag filled with change

600 hours Now we had to take the fucking safe and dump it Wipe the fingerprints chlorine in the river Oh, shit. So he dumped it in the fucking river. It's done You just threw it down like no one came out and was like, hey, everything okay? It's sunday night one in the morning. It still sounds like like a like a bomb. It was a it was a business building Oh You have no fucking idea. You have no fucking ideas. Doesn't that a level of adrenaline make you feel alive though?

Like I was addicted to it. Yeah, I was addicted to it. Yeah, I was a professional piece of shit. I was addicted To it. I could put a suit on and go into a building in case of fucking building. I just opened this door Louis No, no, there's no louis in here. I knew there was no louis in here. I just came in here to see who was in here And what was in here and what were you guys doing in here? That's why you always close your door because this guy's like me or just not Go like this and go louis. I got the big. Oh shit. I got the wrong office And you're like, thanks for I ain't sorry about that that guy's casing your world

Or you have to assume he's casing your world because that's how I cased your office Just a regular fat fuck with a suit on When you're happy, what a nice guy. Oh my god. He was a gentleman We love his new jersey accent. He's coming back in the now He's sitting at the end of the hall Waiting for you to go get hot dogs and for you to go pee and he's gonna come in here because he's seen that wallet With your car keys you put up there. That's how fast I could work Wow

It was fucking lightning It's crazy, but I was addicted to that. Yeah shit I got addicted to that make sense. I got addicted to it once a week You know because I was doing at least one drug burglary a week because you you rob somebody you do the drugs You hide for a day You spend the money And now you need another fucking hookup. Don't you think this is exactly like like, you know, donald seroni

He's the way he trains. He's out there. He's doing bungee jumping. He's skydiving. He's a lot of shit He's doing the same exact thing that you're talking about like that's his that's his no, it is it's the exact same thing You chase adrenaline. It's just different different forms different forms of doing it But it's still the same exact thing and that's what keeps him alive. That's what makes him Passion about what he does it's still he's got that adrenaline and he'll be the first to say like that's my addiction Like I'm I'm never giving that up and he's he it's very clear He's no one's gonna like dana white comes and says hey, we need you telling that done. He's no I won't do that That's what I that's what I live for like that's what I like things that are real

Yeah, I'll tell you what brought me back to life jujitsu Yeah, I was telling somebody today that it was because I seen all the weaknesses not only in my jujitsu and my I saw all the weaknesses in my athletic abilities. I saw the weaknesses in my personal life I would affect it. I saw the weakness and I couldn't breathe. I was getting anxiety over a guy on top of me What happens if two guys come out of a car and get on top of me? They rape my daughter. I can't have that position I can never be in that situation So actually you prepare your mind god knows it's never gonna happen But you got to assume it is in today's fucking big bad world. You don't know what the fuck's gonna happen

So when I saw all that whole all those holes in my personal game, I go I'm gonna stick this out, but what I'm addicted to the most is that in the moment and I love My heart beating I love one of my favorite scenes in any movie because the director Or whoever thought about it was so brilliant was Godfather before michael shoots the two guys in the restaurant The train is stopping you hear trains screeching You hear them stopping to pick people up

If you've ever done anything bad in your life There's a point of the adrenaline that your ears start ringing You have no fucking idea when your ears start ringing when you when you're doing something You're deaf from the adrenaline That's a complete different world When I robbed that jewelry store with with uh marble head that time when I was running up the corner I was looking at grand larceny, you know, I'm looking at theft. I'm looking at a thousand things

I'm looking basically at 12 and a half fucking years Or maybe eight years with good behavior, but I'm looking at time You eat my ears were ringing when I was running Once I got around that corner and those chains were all over the floor and stuff and I was picking them up I was the king of the world That adrenaline fear should have made me get in that car and drive away But I was till till today when I asked that fucking moron, where's the jewelry and he goes it fell And I go you fucking kidding me and you just walked up here with this

And I went and picked up those chains by this point everybody was out on the street going hey stop those kids listen A bullet wasn't gonna stop me right there Nothing was gonna I picked up those gold chains from the back of the car got in that backseat And we took the fuck off. We hit a right. We hit 68th street. Whatever the fuck it was And also I like the trunk because we were gonna put the jewelry in the trunk But the trunk didn't open The trunk was jammed so we had to put it in the back seat the beauty of it

This is at the first light we stopped as a cop And the trunk opens up as the cop is passing by The cop never noticed it and we fucking got the jewelry off, but that fear I had running around that fucking hill When I uh When I got in trouble in Boulder and I kidnapped Vella While Vella was in the apartment when those him and the biker were there that tiddwell moron were arguing And I left him there when I walked into that house That was the best adrenaline I ever had in my life. Wow

because there was a A guy that opened the door for you a door guy dressed in an outfit in front of this building Now I had just been there an hour before to pick the victim up and to take him to the location When my friend went over he stopped him whatever and they buzzed him up. I don't know how he got up, but when I went back From the way I slammed that door When he saw I'll never forget to look on his face. My body language. The adrenaline was coming out of my fucking ears Because he didn't say good afternoon He even opened the door for me. I just walked in that fucking building

I got on the elevator that went upstairs and I basically Walked through the door and kicked it in My ears were on fire I mean my body was just hot hot. That's that's a fucking great feeling when you're on fucking fire I kicked the door and And they had like a ceiling and I just jumped up and pulled it down I pulled the whole fucking, you know those uh Drop tiles drop tile seals. Yeah

Like if the coke was in one of those tiles, I knew the tile. Guess what? I didn't have time I just jumped up like a gorilla that I am. Oh my god and pulled it The thing just came. Ah, it was like it looked like 9 11. You ever see all those things hanging. That's how the roof Like the basement of tower four whatever the fuck it was there was beams hanging dust everywhere When I walked out I had dust all over my face my shirt I had ripped that fucking ceiling down I fucking picked up that coke and I went in the car. You have no idea how I felt By the time I got out, I was already that clear because it's so funny. How are you feeling dog?

I'm feeling fine. You ready for another star? Sure, but I'm just like How did you only get caught in ruins? You're tearing down buildings kicking down doors. You're doing 9 11 You're a you're a you're a fucking you're adrenaline. Yeah, we'll take you to places You can't think you can't think logically, but here's the beauty of it that I've always thought about Okay, so I parked the car facing whatever the fuck this direction But when I got To my right, but when I got in the car I noticed that there was a newspaper thing and already my head was clear

Because when I pulled out of that thing I crossed over right onto 19th and canyon boulevard and this were the halfway houses How fucking how much of a sign is that? And I went in I ripped apart the the two kilos And I took and I took like a fucking handful of coke out and put it in like a newspaper But I had in the car that's how much of a primitive guy it was I took the two fucking packages and I put them under a newspaper thing So I wouldn't have a mommy You follow one of those newspaper dispensers or whatever it's called in the street

Yeah, I've done a dispenser, but those little yeah those little stands you get your uh, your free paper Well, no, it's not a quarter paper. Yeah under there because I didn't want an army at the cost for me home And that fucking guy at the door didn't even look at me On the way out didn't say thank you for coming. Thank you for shopping here. Nothing Not there's zero Respectory Congress Jesus Now you you you do something like that with that level of adrenaline you go home How how long before you can sleep because that shit stays in your system?

I have a handful of coke Oh between the adrenaline the blow there was uh, they call it adrenaline dump. Is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah when it's when it's you get it all out and then it just brings you down But but coke would bring you right back So yeah, the adrenaline dump is when you get it all out It's just like oh and then and then you get home and it starts to wear off And it's like really it goes really low right

And that's in the soreness comes in. Yeah, that's when you realize fuck. I dropped the glove in front of kato Because you damn you don't notice the glove when there's adrenaline. That's why that happened. Yeah, that's why The knife slips. Yeah cuts your fingers. Yeah, you know when I was running from the cops and that dog I ripped my hand open I got caught on the bob wire. I had to untake the glove from my skin. No, no, no, no that bingah You have no idea in today's modern world. I would have passed out, but the adrenaline Right kept me going kept me going. I didn't even think of my hand bleeding. No fainting. No fainting. No fainting In fact, I went home and left the glove on I said why fuck with let me go to the ball with the glove on

The glove was filled with blood. Oh, Jesus. I would squeeze it blood. I'm out of the glove Oh Fuck it couple cocktails couple volumes I went home like a soldier the next day. I went to the hospital because I knew they couldn't stitch me up Because after 12 hours, they can't stitch you up so they could just So I went 12 hours later. They cleaned it out with the fucking good stuff Oh my god, it's an open wound. It was just an open fucking Oh my god, Jesus. Just thinking about this shit that stayed in mind. I was in those few years

Just picture that glove like you're squeezing and just squirting blood out. Oh my god. I had a tooth I never went to the dentist I had a tooth that had an abscess and had a little ball on the side And I would go to the comedy store and I'd be talking to somebody and they you'd be standing if I didn't like it I could squeeze it and the fucking juice would come out of the hole Oh That's some christine beziski such shit right there jack What does she is that she was at the store last night? She looked beautiful. Yeah, she was great

She looked fucking beautiful her and tom are doing great. They got the baby The baby's a fucking gorilla. They don't know what to do with him He's eating a fucking regular cheese steak from new jersey sams. What the fuck that is No, all that stuff Now would you black out when you said when you said you don't you can't think were you blacking out or were you conscious of what you were doing? Or would you just come to in the car like oh shit? 50 50 then I would laugh my ass off like i'm about to do right now Like I did this scary thing one time. I did this scary scary like even looking back today

I uh had a friend and uh Things went sour And she got pissed for some reason or another I got pissed at her You know, she was a drug dealer. You know, she was a big time medium level drug dealer I had met her through friends, you know, and I had known her for a few years and The weird thing was as good as I knew her every time I go over that She'd always take your money Or ask you what you want and she'd go in the back room

And then bring you the coat and then you give her the money she'd weigh in the back room She'd ask you to look at it. She was very cool and see if you like it, you know If you want more rock or whatever she was very she gave you a great coke You know I went over there one night the cop She was no miss america You know what I'm saying and everybody knew that And at the time I thought I was cute and I went over and tried to be cute with her

And she rejected it and I got pissed off, you know, like a young man would do like an asshole that would do And I never messed with her again until one day I needed money and I go, you know what? That's the house. We're gonna fucking rob I knew the consequences First off at that time I knew that they were going to point all the fingers at me I knew that this was going to come back to me at one point or another But at that point in my life, I really didn't give a fuck because I expected her to have a tremendous load in that house We were gonna fucking become millionaires in my mind

I was always going to become a fucking millionaire my demented drug addicted young mind They had a million dollar stashed in there and I was said I was gonna buy a fucking super You know, you're a fucking kid, you know, you got the dumbest fucking ideas And one day I put a crew together. I got my buddy two of my buddies. I said listen, man There's a fucking big payoff there And when I told them the name both of them looked at me like you don't want to do that. I go, yes, we are That's why we're doing it because they don't expect nobody to get hit You know what I'm saying they don't expect nobody to get hit now

I thought I had the door when I got there. I couldn't get the door I Was always good with doors and I would look at them and try to come up with a way why I could get into that door quick She was a drug dealer, but she didn't have a top bolt Kind of fucking dumbier you it's that easy to get in without a top bolt Well, it's only one instead of two. Yeah, and it's way, you know, those little regular things I could You could go through you could put a shoulder into those fucking things a good shoulder Hit it close to the door

Like don't go in the middle of the fucking door if you're trying to break that You're trying to break that right there that grip It's like when you break a grip you push away from the fingers same fucking thing You got to push away P in the movies they always go to the door like johnny bananas. No I would treat it like a football tackle and I would get like a three point stance And that's why my shoulders probably jacked today and I would put everything I had into that middle And then I would have a gorilla going behind me

And we'd wipe the fucking door open Or I bring a screwdriver. I could say I get a screwdriver in there. There was always different angles Maybe there was a glass on your door I could break the glass and put my arm through and open up the fucking door. There's always an angle The consumer doesn't know it Yeah, I know it where I just moved into this glass the door. I don't like it. That's getting covered up this week Because I don't like glass in the front. That's just a no fucking brain What are you? Well, somebody don't hear it. Yeah, really?

Really, somebody don't fucking hear it. Nobody'll hear it Nobody here is shit. We're programmed not to hear dick. And if they do who's gonna go outside just like what you're saying with the Yeah, I'll break the glass and walk away So if they come out they don't really see nothing and they get back in the house There's so many things people don't see That you think people gonna see they don't see I've done a thousand things right in front of people looking at me and they don't see it Your mind doesn't pick it up something. I've seen it a thousand times. You're not looking for that

You're not looking for a drug deal going down on your street So you're sitting in front of your drink with your husband drinking coffee And I come up with like a fucking construction bag or a gym bag, but I'm dressed like a gym guy You follow me you come up looking the way you are and I sold you an ounce of coke right there And you got on the bus I made you get on the bus get off the next block walk back to blocks With some big fucking deal Plus how often when you're driving

Well, you just look up and be like, oh, I don't remember the last five minutes of this I think that happens in everyday life. I don't think it just happens when you're driving Especially if you're doing something that you do a lot like your morning coffee Or or mowing the lawn you just phase out and you're not you you're making it very easy for people to not notice it Because you're acting like you're supposed to be there wherever you are Like that's that's the skill right That's when you're wheeling it when you're taking a hand truck with a save you put a blanket on it You see somebody you just like hey, how you doing? You wave at him. Yeah

We do this everything you want to get the this thing's really heavy. You want to help me put this in the trunk. Oh my god It happens all it's absolutely last night Pablo Escobar he goes into the store and the cop drops a quarter. He gives the quarter to the fucking cop The most wanted fucking man that happens every fucking day I I used to I used to do is I'd sneak into concerts But my thing was uh, I would walk right in the front door and that like one of the times There was like three bouncers and I just walked down. I go. Hey guys What uh, we're getting pizzas. What do you want and I go? Oh, we're gonna go pepperoni. We'll do two way

What do you want? All right? All right guys, all right And I and I just walk in but like I act like I'm supposed to like why would anyone walk in getting pizzas for the bouncers You know that made me a in a position of authority and I can just walk right in enjoy the show It's amazing what you could do with body language. Oh, yeah If you if you act like you are supposed to be there nobody really questions that it's amazing Yeah, how much body language contributes To so much when you watch those shows in discovery like I don't watch a lot of shows in discovery

But this time I'm in the whole tower room. I just did two fucking shows 250 people a show I talked to 200 people I go back to my hotel room. You're not you're tired, but you're so tired your body's glowing So what do you put on that that show you like the prison show or my 600 pound life? That's the shit you watch at the little night because it don't need a lot of attention to watch And it calms you down that stupid shit You're not gonna get into seven at two in the morning because that'll take you till six You follow me seven movies like that Scarface, you know something comes on at that at that time one third of your doom, but

The cop show but what happens it's cell gate C and all that shit. You'll stay a fucking wake for You'll wake up and it's still on there's still some fucking jail in new mexico smacking people in the head with sticks and shit It's funny It's weird I uh, I said we talked last week how I was going to get rid of the facebook app. I did that I I got rid of cable And and it's weird how all these like those kind of shows Can take over your life. I like I had I had the uh one of my first big screen TVs

I had burned into it the espn side thing that on sports center where it tells you what the topics are going to be Because I would just leave it on all night. Oh shit And like when you take that stuff away that you get addicted to it's amazing how much more time there is Like it's weird. I'll change you. I took yeah, I took the facebook app off my phone Oh, it's terrible four or five years ago and it's it's amazing how nice it is to not have alerts all the time over Things that are not important for your life. It actually lets you live Yeah I uh moved this weekend

And there was times that I would put you know hotmail on I was like we were talking we get stoned And we open up all five links and you open up wikipedia and your research thing You're looking for plane tickets and you're sending an email and you're waiting for somebody to send you an address on twitter So you go back and forth to twitter And there are days where I don't write on twitter on the weekends You know, I've made myself a personal thing sunday at five I'm allowed to fuck around on twitter Before that i'm not allowed to fuck around on twitter

You got to give yourself a day and a half two days friday people traveling We said what we had the same monday tuesday wednesday and thursday people can don't comprehend that Go get on twitter and go where you been You have to give this Thing a fucking breather. Yeah, you know people always gonna be joey. You have so many fucking stories because I didn't have a fucking internet Hmm Yeah, you know you're reading about these stupid fucking stories because you're sitting there reading it's two in the fucking afternoon Why are you in the goddamn house?

Why the fucking doing the goddamn house? I could see if your hurricane camilo Whatever the fuck his name is that's in new jersey now. It's fucking raining But I never understood uh That part of it, you know, if you want it you have to cut the shit that It takes time away from you The worst thing is uh is Getting yourself in a position where you're just staying at home uh and doing stuff from home because

That just that just can lead you there's no you're not accountable to anybody and you can just do whatever the fuck you want And it and you don't do the important stuff You end up doing the bullshit stuff when the first that when I first moved to uh, los angeles I rented a room from a writer And uh the deal was he said you can only You only get to sleep here So this room is yours from you know 10 o'clock at night until 9 in the morning. You got to be gone at 9 But you can live here

So this guy because he used he was a writer and he used the place during the day and he had meetings there So I had to be out And and I just ended up finding great. I that that was I got so much stuff done I met so many people I was out there in the world. I was out there in hollywood a town new to me That was the best thing I ever did if I was at home just on the internet I would have been living this virtual life like who knows what it was like, you know But that was great to just be propelled out there When I was 18 when I was going through high school hbo was still pretty new

And hbo had a show about a guy who hitchhiked the hitchhiker Is it called I think that's what it was called. There was a guy who got in cars and sometimes women blew him And sometimes you just got to meet people and go to a different town It was sort of like kung fu He kept traveling, you know That was always like a distant dream for me But after my mother thought I had no hooks in new jersey So I gave me the green light to experiment a little bit and travel, you know

I looked around a lot when I was growing up and I would look what these guys would do And some of them were successful in their own little way Considering they where they were coming from, you know, we were coming from my same neighborhood very blue collar And now they got into some managerial union position and maybe they're making 90k a year And then I'm titled to pay their mortgage and have his wife a nice car, you know, shit like that, you know But I would see their traveling patterns And they will go to Atlantic City and they will go to Florida And this is what they did every year they wouldn't even fucking consider going past Chicago

And I always thought there was a little bit more to life You know So when I got the opportunity to travel You know, I was always intrigued with colorado Because when I was a kid on abc news when you were watching eye witness news that I always put, you know, even today Uh 10 o'clock eastern 7 o'clock pacific 9 o'clock western and 8 o'clock mountain time And I always said mountain time. How fucked up is mountain time? What a fuck is mountain time? So when I got to go to colorado, it was because of mountain time

I like the idea When I moved to seattle it was because I like the seattle supersonic for a while They were in the finals one year with jack sickman. That's why you moved there. Yeah, it was just but I like the logo to the comedy club The seattle underground. I just thought there was something to it You know, there was something to it all those names meant a lot to me when I first got into comedy And meant a lot to me to play that club in boston Uh in the fucking market there that you that closed out and leave. What was the name of that place? Kelsey hall and fennel hall

There were all these locations that you had to play in because they were your gold You know, this was part of your gold. You had to play in the comedy store And the underground and you had to play What was the phoenix when I started interesting that you started in phoenix. Yeah, so phoenix had with knuckleheads He had the comedy zone comedy zone six clubs in 94 or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely You started with stanhope stanhope started phoenix. Yeah. Yeah, we had yeah, we the first The first paid gig I ever had was with stanhope stanhope was I think he was feature He was featuring at that point

Like he was featuring the improvs. He was the god of that time like you're featuring the improv Like uh, and it was g.e. Howard's club was called uh I want to say it was well, it used to be finny bones and then it became like comedy zone or something like that It wasn't one of those hotel, you know, restaurant bar things, right? Like crazy, you know, I'm talking about because if any but it was finny bones in a comedy zone I think but it was crazy, man There there were so many clubs at that time and I forgot the laughs the one on the freeway. It was like laughs Not laughs and limited but something like that. It was laughs and

Tucson and then there was a laughs in new mexico. You had an albacruz Before rosarivas It was a guy's club that died in the motorcycle accident on new year's day A great fucking guy just a great because that was the thing laughs had a bad name Except his club. Wow. He was a mexican dude. He was a biker You when he took you to dinners. He treated you good. He put you in a hotel Well, uh, the other two clubs laughs and the other one in Tucson Were kind of fucking shitholes. So

He would I don't I'm just saying this at the time guys. I mean the worst condos at reputation worst condos He died and russ. I started with russ. Wow It's so weird. I was a doorman and russ was already featuring Oh, shit. All right at the witsend and in the oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's right. I forgot you did wits That was my favorite club in colorado. Oh West minister dog. I never did it. I worked there as a doorman and the sound guy right then a fucking bar back And then I told the guy I'm Wanted to come me and he was like, you'll never make it not in this town. You're

You're a big new yorker and he trusts me on this. They do what you're doing here. You'll be managing this place I'm like, fuck you I'm gonna get on fucking stage when I'm gonna stay here with you and give orders to these young kids and you shit and uh The big clubs. Well, what the fuck were they? Yeah, yeah, knuckleheads. There was always an improv and tempeh Yeah, and then there was that one that opened in the Scottsdale mall. It was like the It was like a then like name like the sphere or some kind of like techno. We name, you know, I'm talking about It was in this like Scottsdale plaza. This is what happened. I'm gonna tell you my fucking experience in this

in the spring The spring is march spring of 95 Spring of 94 I get a A call I call I talked to a buddy of mine. His name is Todd Jordan great comic And we're having a discussion and I go what some good clubs that are locally that you get me a showcase at

And he goes, why don't you you you could eat one of those just eat half of it first? I don't want you to pull an old Benjamin Next thing, you know, you're in glendale talking to our minions eat this just kebab and shit. You don't know what joey Diaz is just in the half of it. Yeah, just to get into your head a little bit What we talking about hilly The clubs all those phoenix clubs the phoenix club. So I call this guy and he says to me joey It's time for you to start going out and showcase I go, what's a showcase? He goes, you gotta go to clubs and do a free set

And let them know you're fucking alive He goes because nobody's doing that. This is how you get into clubs. I go, all right fine So I call knuckleheads because at the times knucklehead had three clubs They had phoenix. They had miniapolis and they had somewhere else. Yeah, um, I don't remember where but they did like portland Portland miniapolis and uh, and phoenix I go how far is the drive to fucking phoenix? They tell me like 12 hours. I say fuck it. There was no thought of a plane in those days of my world

At that time I worked for the national car rental And I was I became friends with this kid and he was just a great kid And he really admired what I was doing. He was young like if I was 30 he had to be 25 And he admired what I was doing. He was like, really you're gonna do stand-up tonight. Yeah I'm gonna tag along and then one day he came to me goes. Hey, man. I want to help you with your career I said, you a writer. You know people he goes. No He goes pass out this box of flies and I give you 100 bucks. It was an hour of work

Everyone's so why he called me every year and then it got to the point where I would just call him up and borrow against the work He'd give me Then he got me a job when I went in there and applied he got me the job and then he became my boss So I went to him like a man. I go, hey, man. I'm gonna fucking bind Is there any way I can rent the car from you? And you could take it out of my check and I'll work here for the next three weeks for free And he goes, what about a brand new car and if you bring it back the bill would get lost Hey, what does that mean?

He goes, I'll rip up the bill and Say that you gotta take the car for business. Oh, yeah, you gotta take the car to drive somebody On a certain date I mean he that broke my heart Like I had to borrow 200 from a friend of mine loose serrillo just to get gas money That I was gonna give to him and then I was gonna borrow another 100 from a friend of mine joe coch And try to figure it out. This is how crazy I was like I was gonna get the car with $100 and go to phoenix

Drive 12 hours with 100 bucks Didn't give a fuck. That's how much the dream meant to me. I'll figure out how to come back I'll figure that I'll rob a gas station. I'll figure it the fuck out I got in that car this kid didn't charge me. So I had 200 hours And 200 was perfect for the drive down there and I took the 200 and I got in that fucking car And you know as hungry as you are I drove nine hours. I pulled over I slept at some fucking parking lot until the sun came back out And then I found the gas station

Brushed my teeth put water in my face And I went to the club and I sat there. I thought the club was open all day in those days And I could just walk and say yeah, I'm a comedian. Sure Go down to the corner. There's a whole tub room. Don't put you in. Tell them it's us Get a meal at the restaurant and come back and do a shot. That's how I thought comedy worked Like that's how retarded I was I go to the club. I knock on the door. That motherfucker's shut tight jack I'm sitting out there all day in that fucking sun and that heat and phoenix in a car with air conditioning

I had nowhere to go. I had no friends. I didn't know who to fuck the car Nobody I had nobody to fucking go. I don't know nothing about phoenix. I hadn't been to tempi since 84 I used to go to tempi and visit a buddy man that was down there on the lam He was down there smoking mushrooms with indians and shit like that. So I would visit him. I knew nobody I sat in that parking lot Lee in that comedy store parking lot and wrote stupid fucking jokes and Wrote my dreams down and how I was gonna fucking bust out and Somebody was gonna see me somewhere at one of these clubs and I wouldn't have to do what every other comic did

At first that's what I thought. I really believe that I was just gonna go on stage. Somebody's gonna see me and go Come on. Let's go. I think everybody had that starting out. No That was a time. Well, that was a time where you'd hear about like, oh, yeah This person gets discovered from the comedy club and there was a time where that kind of thing you'd hear about Really, but it wasn't a reality. It was just like I think it was one of the like Yeah, that's how you get discovered like people were doing it for that. They're like 90s anyway I just wanted to be saved. I just wanted to stop being a criminal Like if fucking somebody sees me

It's over Like if somebody could see my five minutes set and they could just take me to Richard Pryor's house I can smoke couple rich and we could do jokes and shit. Like that's what I really thought. That's how stupid and naive I was So I waited for them to come I went inside I asked for whatever the guy's name was I mean, I got there and the waitresses were hating me because I was in the way You know I had to use that bathroom to get ready and use a shirt. I mean this was ghetto

To the max league. You don't know when somebody walks into your club. Does the bathroom like a You know, and I'm in there no shirt on with paper towels wiping my armpits in my face brushing my teeth Wetting my hand putting gel in my hand with a shirt that was crinkled up Then I'm sitting at a bar, you know after that I'm sitting at the fucking bar as annoying as can be So what time does the show start and then like is jeffy and jeff I called you to the guest spot. All right Guys like cool. Yeah, you can do a guest spot, man. Everybody was cold to me They charged me for a coke. I was furious Then the first show came in

And I got on stage and just my accent killed them There were some new yorkers and they'd laugh and and shit and I was talking about godzilla. I was doing terrible material But I took them to where they had to go for five minutes. I got on stage I go to pay my tad the guy goes no, no, no, no He goes do me a favor. Can you stay for the second show? They didn't charge you for drinks ever again And then he asked me goes are you hungry? Was I fucking hungry Lee? I was trying to eat my finger because I didn't know how much money I needed

But at point I probably had 90 bucks that I needed 80 for gas So I couldn't take a chance and even got a veggie. That's what's only got a veggie and cheese That was the cheapest thing I could get a subway veggie and cheese And he goes stay for the second show I stayed did the second show. I think I ate like uh A roast beef sandwich. I didn't really want to be too over the top. I didn't drink anything. I had no coke Nothing I was and the second show were late and I think I cursed and I did better So he goes wait, I'll talk to you in a second. He brought me in the back

And he goes, uh, when do you want to come back here? And I go, I don't care no And he goes, how about you come for two weeks? Like eight months from that date, whatever it was April. I was gonna come back like in november He goes you could stay for two weeks 300 a week, maybe 250 a week to mc I had to drive down there. I didn't give a fuck Lee. I was getting my break. This is it And then uh, he goes, what are you doing tonight? Where are you staying? I go in the car. He goes, no Go to the condo

the features local Go over there and take a shower take a bath spend the night you could stay till monday And I went over there. I got up I watched Some baseball the other comic. I don't know who the fucking the headliner was I asked him creepy questions that night And creepy questions that morning. He got me high. We went to breakfast. He gave me his number And I got back in that car and drove back with two fucking weeks of work at a club as an mc. I didn't give a fuck Lee I was going back to the great

That's that's the best feeling. It was the fucking best and then I get home and I'm doing comedy I'm fighting my wife and all this shit I'm getting to the comedy works when also I got a fucking page It's a voicemail and I get on and I'm like, hey joey, it's joe from the knuckleheads. I just want, you know, we're closing I go, what do you mean you're closing you're closing tonight and he goes, no, we'll close the whole chain And that was my first experience with fucking counting on the road. Who is that tony bennington second? I want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart

Some somebody twice as smart As I Hold up on Look at that Lee asking for a fucking bomb. When was the last time you asked for a bong? Second not a while Lee I didn't bring you a chapter Sorry about that, buddy. I'll see you tomorrow Okay

This fucking beautiful jam for you monday september 5th, this is it guys like I was talking about in the periscope So Thank you, Lee I was telling these guys on the periscope the reality is it's september 5th This is the fourth quarter That's it You're at the fucking you're at that 30 yard line. You're marching in jack. This is it. This goes by So fucking fast now

That you can't blink an eye if you haven't gotten your shit together by this time of the year it gets ugly Young employment runs out about this time and shit. Once the unemployment runs out in october. It's a cold mother fuck out there You gotta take one of those kitchen jobs this shit. You've always dreaded cooking and fucking frying shit and talking chinese to people You want another one? No, I'm good. Are you ready for a bong in life yet? Absolutely I don't want you blowing your top and you can't talk your eyeballs got so red before They got like the guy fucking what's his name choke the narcos remember how his eyeballs got red?

They don't fuck around down there So you started as a comic in phoenix. Yeah, who else besides stanhope you remember? Oh God man. Well, I mean this was when you know, there was genesis. I don't know if you ever knew genesis Didn't popla francisco was in tuson. He would come up and there was ron mori. You must know ron mori ron Love that man. And then gary menki. So those are the guys that started manki The manker he just passed away reason. No, no not not manki. Manki's still running a club I want to say he's running a improv in tampa or something like that. Oh that gary menki. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Who died from dan murr? No, no, no the other guy died too mark anderson. No the guy from uh laps He was like, uh, he's always been at laps tuson as an assistant kind of saw the nice sweet guy. Oh, no, not uh, gary hood Yeah, gary hood. I didn't know gary hood. Yeah gary hood passed away. Yeah, he was yeah, he lived in tuson's We we did stanhope. Yeah gary hood passed away. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah But I don't think gary was taking care of himself. No, he was in I as a matter of fact the last time I worked at club I want to say Six years ago He was

I stayed at his place and he was definitely in really bad health. Like he was you know, he was in a lot of trouble I think I think he had diabetes and he I don't know man. Things were bad though You know, man, I'm over 50 and I gotta be honest with you guys once you in 50 You could go at any time That's a fucking reality. You go at any time No symptoms, you know, you stretch for some you get a heart attack. You go at any fucking time My heart has lasted as long as it did Especially after these adrenaline stories and the code

And there's 20 more of those adrenaline stories. I can't come to my mind right now So you uh You know people always say me joy. You should do the third week a month on the road. You should do this. You should I don't want to die in the road One of my biggest fears is when my wife had to call Lee and say you have to go sign for him. I can't go I got the kid I can't hold a kid and then from there why even send them back to california Send me straight to north bergen new jersey so I could die with veneria at the parlor over there. You know

Besides it'll give me half price. That's a fucking savior these days So you got to work that way once you hit 50 you really got to think that way So you have to take a little care of yourself. I think the road you could take care of yourself on the road I'm not saying you cannot you could stay away from greasy food because I do it now I do it now it costs you a little bit You have to walk a little bit and do what you need to do But you go to gelsons, you know, I'm saying you don't listen You cannot eat three fucking meals like an animal like that after the age of 35 you cannot I can't

I'm talking about waking up and going to houston. Let's say I'm in houston, texas waking up and getting A cheese omelet with fucking french fries crinkle cut fries With a motherfucking side order a white toast with this iced tea with sugar and lemon in that bitch Yeah, but on the way over you got to get a couple kala cheese and shit So they get your blood going then you go home and take a nap Then you wake up and go to ante chang's duncan palace and you have the fucking lunch special Plus an extra fucking order of spare ribs because you're an animal Then you go home and you eat a fucking sandwich while you're watching mori or whatever some chick that's trying to get pregnant by white people

then you Then for dinner you go eat at a fucking restaurant again And the fried food, you know, and then you got to get the late night talk of all Then you got to get the late night it kills you on the road and and people don't I don't get stressed out of the road Listen, I do not get stressed out my stress levels. In fact, I have a great time to be honest with you guys I think it's a travel It's a travel that wears me down I had to take a nap today guys. I didn't do much this weekend. I take a nap today because my body's programmed

To nap on sundays. How long do you do a nap for? What's that? How long like how long do you nap for on a day like that an hour and a half When I go on the road and I wake up at five in the fucking morning And you get on a plane to come home when I get home. I'm up till about two And then I'll sleep in two to five We will not do the podcast on a sunday night because I'll be tired. I don't want it I don't want to deal with somebody four nights in a row. That's a lot of nights I might not go to the store tonight to be honest with you. Yeah, I don't feel too good tonight

I'm starting to get something. I think I'm just gonna stay home by my fucking business You gotta take care of yourself as a comic. You do you really do You know, there's five nights a week you can get caught up drinking on all those nights and Picking at food and and then you sleep late and I don't I went up to 418. You're talking to the wrong guy You know, you said at the comedy store at night you drink those coca-colas All night long with rum you think that you know, those are 400 calories a piece. No, there was no fried chicken At the store. Oh, I have not merely ate the fried chicken one night Not the fried chicken the chicken time the chicken time

That wasn't a kitchen then that was just a dishwashing They had the booze there and they had that they used to wash the glasses there and shit Well, do you guys like eating late even when you're home? because like I'm Like I can I will not eat during the day like I'll have like one meal But like at 11 o'clock even without the edibles sometimes Mike like I'll just want to eat And that and that's like yeah, like the worst thing for you to do. Yeah No, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I never did it

Lee and I have a discussion once a week. I bore Lee with the same fucking story about My dream Lee is only one. I love Lee Everyone loves Lee Lee's a fat fuck like me me and Lee and me and Lee together and not a good couple on the outside Lee knows it Lee and me when we go out to eat we fucking throw down When we when me and Lee go out to eat, we'll fuck your world up chocolate cake You know and Lee's not gonna say no to me and I'm not gonna say no to Lee And I know what Lee's thinking when he looks at the menu. I know Lee that fucking well

He's looking at the most I could take a lead of fucking hearty moans And he'll pick the most disgusting thing on the menu, but I'm proud of him I'm proud of him. I'm gonna go Lee go. He'll get the potatoes. He'll go for you. The lobster last time He don't like lobster. He ate the lobster with me, bitch. He ate the lobster with me, bitch Yeah, we got a coupon or something people sent this like a lot And me and Lee went and Lee had the fucking fried it only I don't like lobster that night. He was fucking eating you you One quality you have is you are good at being fat like I've been thinking about a lot

There's people who are fat And you talk you talk about by eating good food What you really mean is that you know what like not that it's good quality But it just it's what is the fucking best like paul will come to me But like you're like my meal is always better than her meal Because I keep it simple and I just know Because I spent a lot of time being fat. I know what's gonna be good And like can I tell you what I've trust me? I've been to toggle bell

I've never once ordered one of those doritos tacos That's a new thing with the cheese in the middle. That's okay because I'll tell you why you can't fuck with here Here you go. You can't fuck with toggle bells cheese because they use the disgusting cheese sauce. That's gross Don't put that in quesadillas and call that a quesadilla. Yeah, that's really sick I would rather I don't want to throw it in their face when they do that to me But that like that you can't tell me it's like that movie theater cheese. Yeah, you you Like no like we go to Morton's you get the steak and you know You're just so do you are like I told you a couple weeks ago. You're very calculated

And it goes to eating too Like you you know the salad, you know the thing but you you know like the your Trick was the chocolate cake because that's how you like no one would order that wait. What's the chocolate cake trick? It's like it. It's not a trick. It's just like a six layered Amazing chocolate cake with homemade whipped cream. I would never get dessert We know we never get when I go to no, we don't ever get dessert, but this cake Oh my god, I wouldn't make you get nothing unless I was throwing heat at you Like I'm the type of guy that if I got the best coke in town, I know you don't do coke

I'll call you out when you look at I know you don't do coke, but do a blast to this So you can tell people you did the mother of pearl coke. This is directly the chinese palace and shit This is mixed with ying ying juice and acupuncture needles. You snort this shit. It's over That's the type of guy. Yeah, I don't like fucking around with people I don't like wasting people's time When it blows me out of the water, it'll blow a civilian Because it takes a lot to blow my fucking head off It's like that spicy lobster at that place. It blows your fucking head off

You could go there and just get eight appetizer plates of that immediately. We've been mainly we'll do that before the year is over We're gonna do one of these podcasts that ends at eight and I'm gonna go leave getting the car Well, I gotta put the podcast up people gonna complain Lee Get in the car. I want a two-point entry. I'm trying to tame him terry. I have to do a two-point exit I'm gonna do a two-point exit. It's a nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare 30 years old. He couldn't get a license in jersey. You gotta do a two-point fucking parking He can't two-point exit. This is a swish and you pull out like I do it every time now. No, he doesn't it takes him an hour

It moves an inch of foot I love that you're right there by the way because that's you you love that I don't think you'd be behind like stepping behind my car and getting hit a little bit Oh, I'm waiting to get tapped. You know me. I'll cut you. I want to wake up. I'll fucking no. I just go down All of these the car to go like this. Look, that's it. I'm going down. It's over Ah, what hurts everything. Don't be specific. Jew training 101 Everything even so you gotta think about the attorney at court. What's he's gonna ask you at the moment? You got hit with the car mr. Diaz

What hurt You yelled and What I said everything what one of my fucking retarded. I just told you The fucking what the ambulance guy said everything hurt When you said everything you mean everything like what your knee your leg listen to me I could feel my fungi toe vibrate He almost knocked the nail off my fungi nail and he knocked the liquid out of my ear I can't even hear you right now. I don't even know what the fuck I'm here if it wasn't for the sign language guy

That's the move to make them read a sign language Oh, that's the one and about another year. I'm sure you gotta listen. You gotta bring a sign Oh my god, I love uh doing this shit all sunday and sometimes you just giggle them So you got into this to stand up you went to work with dany because you knew crazy dany We uh, we talked about dany the week after he died. All right, I remember that and r.i.p. I remember that I love them. I listened to that five times. Oh my god. That was one of the funniest things I ever did Yeah, you said yeah, uh, uh, he was a he was a sick fuck. May he rest in peace like that It was the greatest greatest transition ever in my life. He was yeah, he I gotta be honest here

Listen, man, I'm attracted to crazy people crazy people seek me That's who my mo is crazy people attracted to crazy. Yeah, you know I liked him. I liked him a lot. He made me laugh He was the hard nut to break in the beginning it took me three years to get in that club And even then he'd break my fucking balls rogan had to bring me in Then he would give me love then he was really giving me love Then him and I hit it off and he was good to me, but everybody always thought I did blow with the poor guy

I never did a line with that guy. It was crazy. I knew that if I carried him with me, I couldn't get rid of him I knew that by his personality. He liked going out man. That was his thing. This is yeah dan mur tempi improv He was he was that's what he was known for like he's the guy He's gonna take you partying you take you drinking you see there's a band in town or he's got you know spring sting tickets There's always something always my worst nightmare Is when he was a party party. He was a partier He did the craziest shit man. He rented a bus that time with jimmy shuber called the bow

They rented like a gambling bus. Do you remember? I didn't know I was never yeah I remember that I remember they went to see bob dillon So they rented a bus that you could drink on and gamble on and do the fucking whole thing when we were leaving the improv He was getting there He was one of those guys and you know what here's the sad part about it that Troy's gonna You know you're a good You read character as well and you like dan and this is what I read of dan. I read dan dan was the

slash Gentle manager of the tempi improv if he was here in this room right now He'd tell you he owned it plus the mall You know, you know, yeah, whatever, but it didn't matter. I like dan. Yeah dan was a lonely guy Yeah, he was just He wanted so badly to be a player He wanted people to tell him he was bigger than hartman He was trying to find you know, he gave a lot of people a lot of money to make little investments

Yeah on movies and shit and they fucked them, you know, yeah Yeah, no, I heard that he did a lot of that and he he really did come from a good place on all this stuff He had all his demons but man, he was he's like everybody was trying to be the best they can be he was a lonely guy and he just wanted to be Known like that magazine they wrote about him. He took that out and bronzed it Oh put it right in the entrance when you walked in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah it takes walls to hang An article about yourself

You want to hang it in your office, you know next to your trophies from college? I mean But to hang it up at the business He and it was huge. It was the first thing you fucking saw. I mean, he was really in love with it and I I saw that but the last three years of his life when I was involved with him now that it was not good Like the last not last three years the last three times I'd gone to his club I saw something that was completely different. He was gone And then the Superbowl went down there and he lost it Because he thought he was gonna be invited to all those parties. Oh, but what he didn't realize is

It's in Phoenix Nobody's gonna drive the tempi He kept thinking. Oh my god. All these celebrities are gonna come to my club Nobody showed up that one person. Oh, wow. They all stay in the fucking hut by the Superbowl You know I'm saying that's where they stay if you've been to a Superbowl, they don't leave that fucking village there. So You know, he got really disappointed I hated and I couldn't believe that that it's like you really thought they were gonna come over here and get you Well, look at my picture on the wall. I'm the owner

Yeah, well, he you know, he was uh, you do that stuff that that kind of thing Like, you know, when you hear a comic walk in and talk about where they've been and their resume The first thing they say it's like that doesn't come from a place of having a big ego that comes from a place of Just somebody who's a little bit terrified and a little bit Insecure about what what's going on. They just haven't gotten comfortable, you know And so he had that and he you know, that was what he did. He was a cock blocker You could not talk to a woman at his club And you would try to justify it. But then

One of the weirdest things happened in 1998 99 Way before I met my wife. I went down there Now at those times tempe improv was the club you wanted to do well at Oh, yeah, because that's the biggest that put when you told people you work weekend to the tempe improv That high it's huge because they knew that the club was quality all the way You didn't slip through the fucking cracks there. You know how I always say that saying it's not how many people you shoot

It's who you shoot You in 10 15 years ago in in 2099 98 97 If you had the tempe improv on your resume, you could sell yourself into a lot of clubs as soon as you faxed them your resume They would bite because they knew it was a militant club. They knew that You know david spade they taped the fucking specials there. They did the young comedian special there A lot of people don't remember that with nick de palo and andy kindler Who's the other the louis ck? No the director from All those movies that works on Judd apatow. Yeah, yeah

You know that club had some heat to it. So would you put it down if even even if you're in a bad set Oh, yeah, it didn't matter you perform. Yeah, they're not gonna check How do they do when you did that? No, they were like, wow you perform that just Just the fact that you walked in there and performed that that was like the holy grail club. That was the holy grail club Yeah, so I had worked there like twice. I had done a latino tour there one time Where they paid you 400 bucks and I gave you a hotel room that night. Uh, yeah, it's like joey medina Yeah, okay knocked on my door You're at the wrong fucking door and oh my god. It was hard. I was coked up

She took me by storm and I sat there for an hour going I should have hired her Like I'm like, I should have hired her. She would have sucked my dad wasn't even thinking like that. I was so coked up It was an easy in and out it was easy phoenix to la and then I went down there and I forget who the headliner was And I went down there He called me and he goes, can you make it down here by Thursday? Wednesday night, you know At that time I didn't I didn't have a resume. I'd done like mad tv And maybe analyze that and it was big to me like I was like fucking december It's gonna be all over when analyze that comes out

He called me and he goes come on down and guys at that time I was living on a couch sometimes in a car I had no confidence, you know like girl confidence. I was just trying to he was paying 550. I think I would just try to get coked two of the nights. I was there and That was my big thing If I could eat and just I would buy two shirts when I was there from a fat man's store or something in phoenix I was pretty happy with that, you know And I go down there the thursday night

And jesus christ I get off stage and remember the green room was upstairs Yeah upstairs way deep Deeply they had a fucking get a treasure map to find that fucking way way way at the end of the way at the end of the map I'm sitting there waiting for the headline because you can walk out and watch the headline Yeah, so at first when the waitresses were busy and we didn't want to go out there So I would wait till like 20 minutes and then go out there and watch the headliner for a while I hit boom boom boom boom one-man door I opened the fucking door and that's a broad jack

At the club at the club at the door. I'm a feature actor on a thursday night And this or it could have been friday It could have been thursday or friday because I had to live there one another night and danny was mad And they didn't know if I was fired and all this shit. So I'm the girl's talking to me She's a little bit fucking drunk. She's talking about coke and her girlfriends and blah blah blah And I go listen. Yeah, it had to be thursday because I go the show's gonna end and we could still go to a bar So now it's 20 minutes from that situation happened the girl goes downstairs

Guess who comes up danny murr And he wants to take me out. He wants to go party And I'm like, I just told this fucking girl They're young They're young girls they They were from jersey, you know, it was just there was some stupid connection You know, and then like we want to go on we we got blow Because I'm as I talked about coke on stage

So he's in there now telling me how we're gonna go to this place and the car is coming and they have a great fucking cocktail But I'm like, I'm not up to all that shit. You want to take me to scotsdale Like that's the big thing like go to scotsdale to be around yuppies. He's the night. That was the night for that Take out laid to those the clubs with the lines and the short skirts and the boom the techno shit So I look him right in the face and I go, hey man I'm gonna go back to my hotel room To the condo I go, I'm really tired man

And he goes really I go, yeah I go home here a couple nights. I'll go out with you And he goes, okay And guess what happens one I open up the door and now the girls up there with three other broads Tits out of this shirt banging two of them are married and they want to do powder And they're like looking at me and I'm like, and they're like, we're still going out. Let's go. We got a car Let's go. We already called we got Julio waiting for us at the bar right around the corner. Yeah, I don't know what his name

No, there was Julio's it was a main kitchen guy. It was a two It was two blocks away from that improv. There was like a little bar and Now I got Dan there. I just lied to fucking Dan my boss That I was going home to sleep. So I get myself out of it. I go, you know what I was going to go home to sleep You know what? Fuck it. Let's all go out. I go, Dan, you want to go out with us? He goes, well, I got these people wait. I go, Dan, one of them is my cousin. I forgot all about it, Dan

I'm gonna have to go out with them And he goes, well, fuck it. Then I'll go out with you I mean, he was that much of a child. He was 10 years older than I was And he wanted to go hang out with these fucking girls if I was 30 something these girls are 28 I was maybe 38. This is how long ago this was. This is 16 fucking years ago. I'm 50 fucking three So I was 37 these girls like 20 30 and fucking Dan's 50 fucking something as old Looking like bozo with his hair. He's bald. He won't shave the whole thing He's got these curly things looking like Kleinfeld from fucking Carlitos way

These girls are looking at him like you got to bring him with us And I'm like, listen, I don't fucking know the headline is still at a half hour So I go, Dan, why don't you go downstairs? Let me finish what I'm doing here and we'll all meet So Dan's downstairs trying to be fancy with the four girls telling him he owns the club He'd get them deals to go to a room. I'm getting sick to my fucking stomach I look at the chick that's got the blog. Are you want to do some fucking about I go because the girl's bathroom was upstairs. There was one downstairs, but there was one upstairs But there was a line remember there used to be a line. I go go upstairs to a girl's bathroom

And go right to the fucking green room And she goes to the green room, I give it two minutes I run upstairs to the green room. I get upstairs to the fucking green room. We're doing fucking bumps We're doing bumps. She's putting fucking coke on her tits. I'm snorting the coke off her tits like commandos style The nipple's still in the shirt. I'm just snorting it up here. I didn't give a fuck what she did I just wanted to snort coke. I didn't want to fuck her or not like that Well, I did that that wasn't the point then she finally popped one of those jugs out I'm sucking on him putting coke on it. She's got a bag of fucking coke

I mean this bitch had you know, maybe eight grams of coke and she's throwing coke on a tip like fucking uh What's his name and uh in uh in the fucking uh, what's the movie with jack Nicholson and boston when he's the mob boss The part at least throwing cocaine at him. She's throwing. I mean this chick was crazy. I'm sucking her titties I'm fingering or the whole thing. I'm on time. I got her in the mountain position I mean this is terrible. This one blow. I got coke all over my face now This office lee is the size of this fucking table Or lee this office is the size of this table. Well, guess what happens Danny walks in. Oh, no. Oh, fuck. And you know how that goes now with him

He couldn't just walk out and go downstairs He embarrasses the girl He says that this isn't this type of club That when he brought me in he had he would fire me, but he likes me personally So the rest of the weekend i'm on probation That he might find me i'm listening to this shit going what type of guy would give me this fucking? He had beaten Only somebody who doesn't like somebody having fun a real guy would lock the door and go the next day go that was crazy

What the fuck were you doing up there joey, you know, whatever He just embarrassed me and embarrassed the girl blew the whole fucking night I do the rest of the weekend. I go back. I call him and i'm hearing rumors from people You're banned because he caught you sleeping with somebody and if I was asleep with it I had was fingering. I was sucking the tits and we're doing blow. It was nothing going on There's nothing going on. That's the first base where I come from The fuck kind of people nice to meet you So that was it. I was banned. I wasn't really banned. He was just mad at me

You know why he's he's not mad because you did because you're doing that in the office He's mad because he wasn't including like he would have said hey, man. I got this chick this broad She's gonna blow her buddy And she's got coke throwing her titties when I went upstairs. I didn't think that was a thing. I just wanted to do blow In those days, I probably had a little blow in my pocket But if she was offering I was snorting because it was fucking not arizona coke I was right there and just came over the border It just got off the mule

You know what I'm saying the mexican just dropped it off in the mule right down the corner there in tusan It's still in the saddle. It's still in the saddle back. You know, I would get coked down there That was and everybody was doing coke I remember I remember taking joe rogan joe rogan taking me to a club one night And look at that joe's face after an hour. He had gone to the bathroom twice And he's like everybody in this fucking town does cocaine And i'm sitting there with him sober as a judge going I know I would be doing it too, but you sit the cross on me you fuck

I'd be in that bathroom vacuuming it up with those savages He took me to another party one time uh the porno girl before she married tito or t Yeah, jenna jamison. She's coming to the club all the time. She's coming to the improv all the time And I went to her house one time and I got to tell you something, you know, I'm a dirty guy You hear me talking Her house was beautiful like she had a gorgeous home with the original husband. Yeah It was just filled with disgust you could smirk you could smell the sperm particles floating in the air Oh, come on. It was just I went there for a party

I went there for a party And everybody's doing blow and me and joe trying to be cool and I can't take it no more This girl finally takes me to room and was snorting coke and when I come on joe was there And joe saw it. I felt fucking terrible, but joe this is what these parties are about And there was some chick sucking her own tits, you know, it was just a crazy this type of house It was a porno house. It ain't my type of house. That was what's her name's house. Yeah, she would go to the improv a lot Yeah, she's coming a lot. I just thought she would just go to the seat joe rogan stuff Yeah, she and she always came in for joe, but like we'd see her in there once a while

I want to say this was the tito days, but at that time I didn't know No was way before that, right? Okay. She had the original husband. Yeah, because this is like the You know 2002 2001 2002 2003 Yeah, I don't remember who she but yeah, she used to come in and then the other guy nils lofgren Yes to come in a lot. Yeah, he was friends with uh with dan love dan dan make sure you send him a lot of food It was it was the big stress night when I didn't nils lofgren's here It was like a big fucking deal, you know, everything shuts down. Everyone's on military rules You know, it was crazy. I hated bosses like that in those places

Oh, what dan was a celebrity. He was a celebrity guy. He made sure that he loved all that shit He was like then schindler's list when the guy said hey, send the nazis another extra bottle of champagne Like he was that guy exactly that guy. Oh, fuck. Yeah, he did he did some stuff it I hated I look back now and I go all right. I kind of get that that was brilliant It was he he was mean and brilliant and here's what I mean He he used to hire people he put an ad in the paper and he'd say come tomorrow come monday Between one and five all these people say hundred people show up Sometimes more than that hundred people show up on monday and they're waiting they wait there from one to five

and uh Someone calls at 130 comes out. Hey. Hey guys. Uh, just shouldn't dan is on his way So please hang tight and so he'd call in and just sound keep keep him waiting keep wait He keep him at five o'clock. He's still not there And I'll come back tomorrow. They have an employee come out Next day Same thing happens Now it's 60 people shoot you like fight club

What it's like fight club you have to stand on the he made people wait and then they come tuesday And he every hour someone comes. Hey, he's gonna be here soon. He never shows up They do it again wednesday and then thursday and here's what happens. It starts with 100 next day. It's 60 Then it's 40 then it's 20 then it's 10 the the last 10 people to show up. He hires all 10 I Hated that but then I look back ago that fucking guy He wanted the people that wanted the job really fucking bad because he knew that those are good employees. It's pretty fucking smart It took me a long time to figure out that's what he's doing

I get but for a whole week and like no, it's he ruined people's lives for a fucking week He made him wait and it was for like a like a server job or like a doorman job for a server job door Yeah, the whole fucking thing. Oh my god. Yeah No, it's kind of fucking crazy. That's too much. Yeah, that's I've heard of things like They'll reschedule a couple times on you Just to see if you if you make it like but I like To be honest, I wouldn't have gotten a job there

I I would yeah, no all the left after the first day. Yeah, no me too. I left after the first day That's just embarrassing that you wait four hours and that's just so now you broke up with dan You and dan go fuck it and you came to la you yeah with dan Yeah, I was worried about it. I like it was he's kind of what drove me like I was so frustrated with He was such a tyrant It kind of made me move to la kind of got made me go. I gotta get the fuck out So like it was like 2003 I moved out And what you doing 2003 you were doing stand up. I was doing stand up and that yeah, that's what and that

That's what I thought I wanted to do when I came out here and then I uh I somebody had to have me tape something. I got a video camera. I started making a little short films and stuff like that I got I got real I loved I love making things and you can call producing which that's what's called But we just think like it's not just about making stuff Like we all have our thing that we're making you're making you're making brilliant stuff on stage connecting with an audience And making people feel like life is fucking normal in america when there's all this pc shit like you're giving that to people

It's all about what do you make and I I liked making things that other people could could join in on like get I want to get my friends together. We're gonna make this move. We're gonna do this thing I like that shit. So that's what drove me into all of it, you know And you created set list. Yeah, what is the whole purpose of set list tell the people at home if they don't know It's a improvised stand-up show where uh, you walk on stage instead of Doing any material you've ever done you get a set list of really strange Sometimes nonsense fucked up topics you get them in the moment And then you act like that's the act you've been doing on the road for 10 years

But they flipped the the subjects at you know, yeah, you get like five different things that's what fucked my world out That I thought the concept was brilliant I just you did the show And and you were amazing and first of all, here's you know what happened the night We did a seven o'clock and a nine o'clock and if you've ever done those the seven o'clock is always shit Because the audience is it's seven is daylight out Every time we did the early taping for all those every day We did early the audience was terrible and the comics left going man

I just didn't feel like I really got them and in the late show is fucking incredible Do you still do the set list there? Yeah, so well, we still do it there And then it became a tv show in the uk and and australia and then we Been touring around a bunch of different places. So you were saying chile and adam barrow Argentina and we adam barrow and it's it's regular australia. So it's all over the place But it's a it's a sort of a thing designed to get people out of their orbit like we all have a routine and And uh that those butterflies and that adrenaline all that like, you know those times where you're on stage

You don't have that like and it's it's like you're going through the routine and the audience is loving it But then you leave stage and you're like, I don't know if I I don't have that Like I just fucking wheeled out a safe feeling, you know And set list kind of guarantees that you're going to feel that because it triggers that adrenaline because you're You're out of control. You have no control of what's happening and you have to you're getting stuff thrown at you It's like the beginning of that kung fu. It is like kung fu in the beginning in 2008 when I first got off cocaine My mind started going through different directions and I was like, you know what? In 10 years the stand-up shit's gonna be boring

I love when I got a call from a comic Who's put a new pitch together for a stand-up show? In those days, I used to get them once a fucking month and some goofy motherfucker That wants me to meet him somewhere to put You know something together for a typical Three of us are gonna go on stage and then I'm gonna host and there's gonna be strippers, you know Three of us are gonna go on stage and there's gonna be people with drums or people playing the saxophone behind you mean

There was a thousand concepts, but they all Went back to just doing stand-up. Yeah, and I fucking was getting sick of it. I go something has to change Something has to fucking change And people were trying little things I can't you contacted me. I went down I was still in a fucking comatose stage when I went down it and I wasn't really feeling it that night But when I left there, I remember going Jesus Christ somebody is thinking like I'm thinking That this could go into so many fucking directions to stand up instead of the this is a tv show

I can't believe yeah, well that's thanks to paul provenza. I mean, yeah, he's he you know He's he's fucking incredible with all the projects. He doesn't so he you know, we took it at him bro It got picked up for a show. We did uh 14 episodes and it was you know, it was amazing It was it was a complete blast. You know good for you. Yeah, it was great and and you know What what it did though is I like we we did the uh melbourne festival And I had a guy come up after the show and he goes Hey, I want he goes because it was showing there when it a reruns and like it was it's still going in Australia

It's ridiculous This guy he goes he goes I came in because my kid he's in the sixth grade He started a setlist club at his school. I was like I was complete like like my life changed that that was the moment I went Oh my god, that's incredible. He started a setlist club at school So I think what that's gonna do for those kids like they're gonna get to feel like to to learn that When you get thrown into a situation into that pit where you're afraid and you confront every demon. It's just like this thing You can just do that and not be afraid and get used to like you said like you got addicted to that It's the same fucking thing, right?

It's getting addicted to that adrenaline but finding a new way to get the way to get to it Monday night. I did something that was the most interesting thing I've done in a while I didn't want to do it It was in my realm. I'm not gonna lie to anybody, but I did not want to do it Well, he caught me at a weird time in my life and I said sure And for three weeks I sat in my fucking office sweating it And I just started getting ready last week. I agreed to do the goddamn comedy jam Oh, wow, that's the greatest show with the with fuck off from baltimore

And I love him. I know him a long time. You know, what's his name? Josh Adam? Oh, yeah, Josh. I'm ours. Yeah He's doing I got there with lee. I gotta be honest. I didn't know what to expect You know, put it on for me. I have it if you want Yeah, put it on from see if he's got it. You have it on your phone. I have it on my computer All right, then do it. Yeah, put it on for me. You could cut it up later and release it. What is this? This is the goddamn comedy. Oh, I I've seen that show that is one of the best shows I went down and I looked around He goes are you gonna sing a song? I said, yeah I didn't get a chance to rehearse it. I was busy moving last monday. So

I love that you did this. I couldn't go down there and uh I Went down and I gotta tell you something. I was so blown away. You want to talk about fucking anxiety? Oh, yeah I want I've never I haven't seen it. I saw what adam posted I got a dose of anxiety handed to me And I felt it as soon as they said my name. I heard the music I walked up to the stage And I didn't focus on josh adam meyes. I focused on the drummer

For some reason something just said joey. Don't do it. And I focused on the drummer focused on the drummer Put it playedly Focused on the drummer focused on the drum until I finally Turned and when I turn Troy Conrad reality at its finest Oh, man, I love that you did this joey. So there's this big crowd the band I think all these episodes of this show can be I don't know if this one's on comedy central

but You can watch them on comedy central joey's out there dancing. This is unbelievable. They can see it. Everyone can see this. Yeah, okay Oh My god, this is unbelievable Joey looks like he's always been a rock star Holy shit Oh Joey's absorbing all that energy and putting it all out

Yeah, right I have anxiety To the gills. I can't breathe I'm just playing it right there. I'm just trying to really be cool. You came out. See right there. You look like you're in the zone Oh, look now you're okay. I'm trying to get my head together. That's why Oh, oh now you're back Sure, I came back. I had no fucking choice amazing Oh Holy shit

Please do this every week joey Oh You know the balls just took them to do this guys I was sweating at the last day You want to run out of there while you're waiting? Like just like maybe something maybe the stage will collapse No, I just sat there with Lee like a moron drinking beer Unbelievable

Lee's having a good time. He knows I'm sitting in pain Oh Look at Josh. He had a mind. He's such a fit. Oh, man. He is unbelievable I'm so crazy I've ever seen I didn't see the Mexican food behind me. Look how lit up the audience is Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, the guy behind you Oh my god, he's the guy from the movie with Denzel Washington, right? Yeah Joey you're a monster up there. We definitely have to see the monster at the end of the vest

Oh my god, only Lee would take this so far as me Please tell me joey you're gonna be doing this again I don't know what song I could do This is easy Ah All right, Lee released this to the realm like that just fix it up nice. Put it up nice make a video. What an academy award Oh my god Joey is beautiful. It was a lot of fun, man

There's Jeremiah Watkins Fucking Lee I'm so happy. Jesus Christ. There's a tape there. We're gonna suck my dick. Oh, let me give some shout out My main man ollie bars up there starting jujitsu Dante gazini. Thank you for the cd cox after Johnny cutler Up there arse warrior Danny staples

Ashman tv One by one podcast my main man Mikey climb, but he's not jewish And hero jr. Which I miss completely. They were at the vibe. See I had my dates all fucked up I thought they were coming into 29th So I took a sunday at the comedy store last sunday I was gonna go from there to the viper room and surprised them. They weren't there. They were there the 31st, which was wednesday So what happened was

Wednesday, I had to get up at the ice house I didn't get out of there till 11 o'clock. So I never got to see hero junior But I heard they're ripping up the fuck I heard they ripped up the fucking viper room 9-1-1 had to come people were jumping up and down jews on fire the whole thing The whole fucking thing So now you're in LA you do the set list Yeah, can I ask you something though? Because because I really do hope I would love to see you do I know you don't do those specialty shows you you like you're like doing the real shit and

But this like this worked so good for you like this was unbelievable because it was only four sentences That I had to repeat four eight or 12 times. I just took the notes from imdb.com, right? Oh, but you know that the last line fuck you. I won't do it to tell me they wrote that for me That's the thing my mom told me since day one. So I came out and just flowed organically Suck my dick all that stuff motherfucker that comes out again. I picked the best song for myself Yeah, this was it. This was like so now I got to pick another one. I don't know what to pick now I gotta fucking think about it. Alonzo both did fight the power I gotta I gotta do stuff to rattle up the crowd. I gotta let them leave there going. Jesus fucking correct

Could you do an acdc? now really I feel like you could do it I could do an acdc my favorite acdc aren't the shit that most radio people listen to I was a back and black guy But when I think acdc now I like power rage I'm a real big high with a hell guy. Oh, yeah, like that. Oh, yeah, listen Night prowler

Is a great song. I can't hold it up Walk all over you. I would fuck your world up. That would that would give me a heart attack on stage Why because it'd be too guitar dueling and shit if I could get a really good guitar player to do the goddamn You gotta do a sing it. Yeah, that would be unbeaten. I mean that's Sing it slow take it over. Oh, I love all that shit. I love when People listen, I don't give a fuck if you Do somebody's song But if you do it do it do me a favor

Put your flavor on to it show me why you did If you're gonna, you know, if you're gonna do the mechanic over Show me why your version is better than his charles brunson That's all I want you to do if you're gonna have the balls to do my song over Show me why you were doing it over. Yeah Zeppelin stole your song. You know why he stole it because you're a sleeping pill That's why Led Zeppelin. I heard that stay with the hell That was stay with the hell because it was so fucking bad

You know who heard that song you sang nobody three people on an acid trip and Malibu That's it Zeppelin heard and said this guy's retarded watch this Bam let that motherfucker up on fire that became what it was. That's why the jury said, what are you fucking kidding me? This was a and b. This song put you to sleep. That's why harry christin has got to guess. This is how bad your music is Absolutely gotta make it your own So that's the problem there. So yeah So you get to LA now you do the set list. It's doing well You pick up a camera one day to fucking take pictures for the set list and wallop

Yeah, and then I got I just got super into photography man. I got I got into how long ago was this how many years? Well set list has been six years. So that's when I first got it. But I'd say in the last like Four or five years is when I just got Obsessed I saw some pictures from Montreal with felicia you up there with oh, yeah. Yeah Yeah, I love felicia And she's she was doing amazing work up there too. She was doing pictures like we're both in that photography It's the same, you know, I think it's it's so similar to comedy. It's all about lenses It's all about how you see something a little bit different

And then photography and comedy are really similar that way, you know, like We all have our own lens. That's what's really exciting Photographer goes, oh my god, you know, you can do with this lens You can practically see in the fucking dark and everything on the back glows When you're going in and talking about something on stage Nobody else can do when you have a point of view like you're the ultimate example of like a real point of view in fucking comedy Nobody can ever like copy that because it would look so everyone go. Oh, yeah, I know exactly who that is Like that's so simple to recognize because you you have that about you. It's the same thing with with cameras

You know, you make me look handsome Your pictures I got three I got two my daughter carries one of the pictures That's not even frame. That's Lee. She walks around with the one picture you took. Oh, oh, that's cool Yeah, so she likes your stuff. I got the other one that you mailed this Yeah, so for everyone who does no choice the one who does all all the really cool black Design the front up the new hall of fame for pictures you designed. Well, yeah, that's always the hall series But it's it's on permanent exhibit in the lobby of the main room at the comedy store So there's about 80 comics Joey. You were the first person I photographed

Thank you because nobody ever thinks of me and that's what I'm saying like this time dog I kept a joke because of you I kept a joke that I fucking thought was disgusting as I was saying it But it worked for the moment where I Wiped through, you know, sometimes I paint myself into a wall at the store

And I know how to get myself out of it because it's the fucking original room. I fucking hate the main room I hate the main room. I go to the main room. I go to there like those people and gladiator. I know I got a 40% chance of dying, but it's higher than that. Yeah Because I lose my confidence right in the middle of it. I go, why am I here? Why the fuck am I in the main room? I'm an original. I am You connect with people you like being in the trenches I'm a dog from the original room when I walked into the original room I knew it was going to be my home when I walked into seattle underground when I saw those water bugs

I go, this is this is it. This is it. This is what I want This these new clubs that are opening and they're fancy schmancy That's not stand the red tablecloth. I can't wait till somebody goes. You know what? I'm opening up a comedy club and I want the people to smoke. I don't care if the place burns down That's okay. You know how many people would hang out and they could smokely and put their feet up and watch three or four comics do 45 A lot a lot get really good food. Yeah. Yes a steak Finger food not even a steak like, you know clams and zucchini sticks and

Pizza pizza. No, no pizza We went and got pizza the other day and you know, where's you get and it wasn't bad But again, like I tell Lee and Lee's learning if I'm going to eat garbage. I want it to be memorable garbage I went last night and I had one of the best meals I've ever had I wanted to thank Lee last night. I went to a place that he turned me on to that Every night to go into pit fire. What nah, he turned me on to that mexican place on more park We didn't eat dinner. So I called my wife on the way back from the store. I go. I'm gonna go get tacos She goes bring me to

I got two carnitas tacos with avocado and cheese cactus cactus Those motherfuckers take it to the hoop right down more park. So if I'm gonna cheat, I'm not gonna cheat big I'm just gonna get two tacos. I didn't get the rice. I didn't get the dulce de leche I drank water when I got home with two fucking tacos. That was my dinner. Basically my point being that The other day the baby likes pizza I like pizza Lee likes pizza last week me and Lee struck the cord with pizza in holly. We went to joe's pizza on the way up the hill Delicious, it's great pizza. They make it perfect. Nice to chin. We couldn't finish it. We weren't even hungry

We still got a slice in three quarters. We ate we threw it away Now that put the flavor I grew up on pizza. I grew up on a slice a day A slight listen most societies an apple a day keeps the doctor away Well, I grew up a a slice a day keeps everything away Vd, gonorrhea the fucking mumps just cheese too just cheese. That's it. All you need. It's a tune up I don't have a tune up here. You know the tune up is a two o'clock slice with a diet coke That's a tune up. And it's if it's lent maybe a white pie with some muscles with marinara on it stop

Good tune up So, yeah, you won't like these fucking premier photographers now in comedy. Well, yeah, I love doing it man I love getting stuff. It's just it's an obsession, you know Last night I look up and I see you there and for two seconds I can pistol off. Oh, yeah, I see you I I saw you there and I got pissed off for two seconds. I go, what's your camera? Well last night I was like, that's it. Oh, that's right when most people do it. I kind of go Well, no that now last night I was there and I was helping brenton who's the Is a great comic and also handles the social media for for the comic store

He uh, I was helping him set up his camera because he's got this great new camera So I I help him do the settings so he can get right so we were I was just kind of playing around with his camera So I got some shots of you and I I know he took some great ones. So He was uh, I just showed him stuff off. I by the way I love seeing what happens when people figure out how to use like a you know DSO. They don't mean anything It's just a it's like really a confusing ball. Like I don't need this shit I got a phone that takes good picture when you start learning how to use that stuff and the like the cool shit that you can do He he lit up. He was so excited. He was like starts playing with stuff. It was great. I love that

You know, I'm sorry. I go I get crazy. You're a gadgetty guy. Well, yeah, I do like No, no, I don't I had a friend that I used to fucking drive to california with Every 90 days from seattle. I love him dealing with the funniest guys in my mental. I learned a lot from him about manhood from He was a lot older than I was. He was black. I loved him but he was a photographer and This I used he used to call me the he would let me get under his skin So when you let me get under your skin, guess what I do in the loving way I get under your skin

So he would show me his pictures and what he would basically do is take a camera from 1950 a box camera And when he go on the road he go to rural roads and he take these gorgeous pictures of uh Broken down cars and broken down tractors with a pig next to it And they were beautiful pictures, but then he'd do something I didn't like he'd fill him in with like a stencil To give it that 3d look and he killed the pictures his pictures were beautiful When you look at his pictures, he always picks something up. That was just wild. He never Picked the chicken up and put it there or put a leaf there

He always caught that third thing. Yeah, but I think that's important in photography. I look at pictures. He catches that third angle Yeah, and I don't even know if it exists. It's something I see in my world. I've always called it third Yeah, it's kind of like an extra dimension. I know what you mean Like it's something extra about that picture. You can't always describe it big you go Hi, it's just I fucking like that and that as a former like film student who like In those classes people would make make make movies. I don't like all the films And they're gonna make this black and white for like artistic. Yeah reasons like oh, it's it's very artistic

I don't feel like you're doing it for that reason. I feel like I mean, I feel like it definitely is artistic But I don't feel like you're doing to be like Really like fancy or some things just seem contrived. Yeah, you see them coming. That's true when I see it coming It pisses me off as a professional. Yeah Uh contrived contrived scripted Totally Lee and I did uh something one night a podcast and we had a comic go on there and every response

was scripted Oh It was horrendous. No, so let's say I would ask you about Yeah, go ahead and ask me. I'll do a scripted response. No, so I would say so anything about photography and he'd go Photography is great, uh But I went to see my doctor. He just go in. Oh, no any minute monologue and me and lee will like oh, no It's called the Byron Allen And that's called I call it the Byron Allen. Oh, Jesus Christ

Like when you do that rehearsal you go right you start with something and you go right in there like it sounds very memorized right now The people don't know what we're talking about at home a lot of times not anymore Yeah, I'd stopped about 10 years ago for me But before that there was a lot of places you go in And they need to make you do two things a write down your lead ins to jokes Oh And it was horrifying They had wait they had you write down your lead ins. I understand. It's okay. So

So if you had a joke about clouds, let's say I'm doing a joke about doing coke with the cats Okay, or that let's say so I wouldn't say that I wouldn't say that I go Let's talk about my cats And let's talk about uh sleep apnea Okay, and they go that's okay, and he'd go uh, you could still get it, but we don't need it right now and he'd go so uh this weekend we have a A very funny guy here at the fucking copper kettle, you know, because there's a I would always play those sea rooms And then the guy went, you know

Joey Cucco Diaz Very interesting We also have the Green Bay Packers are in town and they would go like well and also So Joey, what do you think about cats and it would sound? Horrific Because nobody was talking about fucking cats stupid. In fact, we weren't even talking about anything remotely close to pumpkin cats fucking moron You know, it was shit like that when you watch Byron Allen on the sports show at 1 a.m. That comes on at 2 a.m

There's a reason why they put it on at 2 a.m. It's because of his segues I understand I understand comics need money and comics need stage time in a forum But I couldn't amount like I had one of the worst club owners go off on me one time about that So I didn't talk about what I gave the guy the guy goes the guy was throwing you your material You weren't doing it. I go because my fucking material is dirty I thought I was going to need to talk and tell him about myself and sell myself. That's how you sell tickets No, we here at this club. We want you to do material on the rate. It was fucking horribly

That's a Byron Allen Lee. It's the most unorganic thing you've ever seen in your life So how long have you been taking pictures for? well, uh I mean, it's been six or seven years. Yeah, yeah about six seven years, but yeah the last like the last four So what happened the last time you photographed sheep? And you're like, I would uh, I think I hate sheep. I went to war. I went to anybody here from That's how he would throw it in me If you watch tonight stay up Monday night and watch whatever the show it's called

Byron Allen So they would they would take the thing you say how long four to five years and the person will go Yes, I yeah, it's four or five years and uh, which reminds me my mother-in-law. She's you know, she's always doing Like and so is that how they do it? They're like doing the weird segues when you have a inexperienced emcee or an inexperienced dj, whatever they want to call themselves Didn't have the stage time They're not really they're not really wordsmiths You follow me, you know, I'm not a wordsmith

But I learned how to put words in certain places Lee telling me you the other night Lee goes You had a good set but you said retard a couple times too many That's a wordsmith That's somebody who goes and listens to that tape and he goes you were right In fact, there I should use uh emotionally challenge There I should use mentally challenge you follow me. That's a wordsmith. So you don't say it twice Why would I say fuck on this joke where it really hits on this joke? I'll say something different on this joke

You know, if you work with some comedy writers like willie bar center Yeah, I love will you'll die Because he breaks it down to the T. Yeah, so you're ending about a musical album And then he'll put a word at the end of that bit to make it go in so when you shoot your special You have six things to hit no come to you He's telling me here on the show last week how he goes by feeling just like actors He's not he doesn't want you to recite the material He wants you to remember the feelings you have when you say those material Jesus Christ

Yeah, that makes sense. That's it. And I thought about it I went up there and did sets with him Friday night. My first set was horrendous horrendously bad I got people to laugh, but I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do my second set because I thought about what he said I want you to put yourself there and I want you to do 20 minutes on whatever you go And it was perfect. I haven't listened to the tape. We're gonna meet tomorrow to listen to the tape He's got notes the whole fuck. So you're going all you're going by feeling as you're going through it Why not the times I do better is when I go to the calm Listen when you go to the calm you're storing you're sitting in the back and you got to follow fucking

Uh, what's his name that I told you was there last night from America's funniest comics The good-looking kid. I forgot the blonde kid and rogan and red fit Simmons and all of a sudden you got to go up there You got to outdo these guys So Sometimes I trick him with energy It's that anger mixed with energy that really gets their attention gets them fucking hop in their chairs That's what gets people. But boom that that's what I got to take him for the special I love I love watching you walk on the problem is right. It's it's taken nobody's gonna do it for 50 60 minutes

Yeah, so I got to find a strategy just like Conor McGregor did against Diaz You follow me back for eight take him in for 12 fucking throw A rant at him rightly Pull it back for eight take him into Something else and then close on a fucking rant that gets everybody's head going up And that's it. That's the strategy that you go into these specials. I never went into anything like this Well, because you like being organized and you in theory could organize your special by the minute

Oh, yeah, no, no, Lee. I could organize all that stuff. It requires something That I've never put into comedy work Work You mean the sit you sit you don't want to sit down and I've always been a very lazy comedian And that's why I got lazy results from 15 to 16 years It wasn't until I put a little extra effort in And now what I'm doing with willy Really, you know when you work with these guys at a wordsmith

You just it's not that they give you jokes. It's that they teach you how to come up with more jokes for that topic Before willy give will you do an animal special and talk about two things and you're like, wow He beat that 28 minutes a piece. Yeah, he beat those fucking jokes. You know, it's going on there. There's there's noises up above Yeah, yeah, that just sounds like somebody walking or a water tank possibly breaking It was definitely the water tank Salute cuck suckers. How you like me now? We gotta wake this podcast up. See that's how you restore energy. There you go

You got an energy bag and give a little bomb on people they come back. They come back with laughs Right now Lisa things out of your tank. He can't wait to see what my ass I'm just Breathing in through my mouth and out through my nose You're doing the opposite believes I'm doing and I believe Oh my god I just all I had to do is bring the candle a little closer

Yeah, you burned it off for a guy to me. No, you brought the candle and closed and it smelled good So I wanted to breathe in with my nose Oh my god, I'm happy you came on joy kind of ran I'm honored you had me. Oh, I can love you guys the joke when the The joke that you said to me that one night that I had forgotten I said it I had I was just on a fucking energy tear up on stage. It was a thursday and tuesday night And lee was there and I don't know what made me say I said I walked into that room and all that was the blood and Feathers

You haven't been doing that. No, I forgot. Oh my god, man. I think I did it on the last cd Oh Check I mean the visuals like you're you're a painter up there So you're you're painting this picture for everybody and it's amazing But you can see the reaction of people like when you paint something that visual everyone gets it's in their body Like they jump and they it's so great to see that And you you do that all the time So i'm glad that that helped because I oh when I watch you afterwards

I got your your your bits are floating on my head like i'm laughing all night because like I can't get that picture When you said it back to me, I couldn't even walk to the car. I was laughing so hard That's amazing because I didn't didn't feel what I said when I Came out but it was true is blood and feathers and you said it to me when you go Blood and feathers really joey and I was like Oh my god, that's terrible. I forgot all about that. I go I go it's so bad. I go. It's such a bad joke. It's fucking good I'm laughing my ass all to the car and that's what you know, you're a thing

Listen that There's nothing It doesn't bother me, but I can't figure out why people do it What's that What happened today today? I was in jitsu. I'm sitting there. I'm breathing. I take my gi off I'm about to take my fucking pants off and my knee pads And I look up and this kid looks over and he walks over and he goes. Hey, man I just want to thank you for the podcast blah blah blah blah

I was lead the one, you know There's people that talk to me And I could tell that if they listen to the podcast one time Or if they listen to the podcast. It's so weird. Yeah. Yeah, I could They come up to you differently. Yeah, some guy came up to me at the ice house the other night. I was leading with that Mexican chick, bro She's smacking him around. Yeah, bro, and we were laughing our asses off That's amazing. I'm up bro. My friend. He dates a little chubby jewish guy too, bro. She fucks him up, bro We were dying. I was at the ice house dying. Oh my god

You know when people know that much about your personal life Oh, yeah, they know everything they're involved and you always come up to me I mean that episode you did with that guy and sometimes you're the one that says you're I'm behind two episodes But I did listen to the Rudy saw it and I'm like this guy's really listening to it And sometimes you don't think you're doing a good job or sometimes me and Lee come in here Listen, not all the podcasts could be knowledgeable. Not all of them can be very funny There's some podcasts that you do in here, but sometimes there's always a message with the podcast So you at least get that that's the most important thing and today's

It's a and I gotta tell you something because you were talking about I've been here for 20 years next year And I've seen people come and go and I've seen people come and go for the worst excuses in the fucking world And I always look at myself. I lived in a car. I took showers in the main room. You do know that, right? Oh, I didn't I used to go there at fucking 8 30 before the show started at nine I'd run back there with a black bag And just shower wash my balls powder myself Put gel in my hair take a shit

They had the great bathroom in the back right behind the main the whole time you're washing you're scared because a ghost has got a Fuck you in the ass You have no fucking idea when you're taking a shower at the Cannabis. I did that every night like You had to go in there on the dot because I had to be out of there by the time the main room started And there was always the black night on tuesday nights You had something in there on wednesdays. You had something there fridays and saturdays So I had to look at the schedule a lot of time before I went up there Sometimes I go up to 8 30 and take a shower for an hour

And take my time and sing in the shower. It was amazing I think back at those times I took showers at the Cannabis store In the daytime we're taking my josh wolf's house in the morning But at night is the girlfriend would be there the kids I couldn't take a shower now. So I'd go over to the Cannabis store and just stay there the rest of the night But my point being that There was a generation of comics I came up with That came out here and I saw them leave one by one and each of them had an excuse

Until this day I like them whatever if I see him I give them a hug But it's like I lost respect for it for them. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah You you didn't like doing comedy like we were talking about mcbettencourt any more mccormie day We had an hour conversation. Wow. He goes. I just don't let you know and it's not that you're quitting It's that you took it out of your itinerary to do something else. Yeah And that's a beautiful thing those guys that just quit now. They got it now They're still doing comedy In shitholes and they're saying that you have to be gay to live in LA

That they would do successful sucks dick. Oh, there's a thousand comics out there That'll tell you that because they used to tell me to my face when I was a feature act And I'd work those little b-rooms. They would tell me I used to I used to do spots at the lab factory I wouldn't suck jamey's dick really jamey's gay Stop he's 60. He just had a fucking kid And he's gay because what are you that fucking magician get the fuck out of here But you my friend got a lot of respect from me and uh I think people needed to know about you. I think people I saw your Montreal pictures from felicia

I think you do great work. And like I said most people take a picture of me I'm still a fat ugly dude when you take a picture of me. I see I see the third thing I see that there. I see a little bit of character in your pictures Yeah, well look it's taking a picture of you as you are and and it's also I like to mix in who you are and who you want to be like that's kind of the the point and that's why those pictures Those hallway pictures they're surrounded by all the headshots from all these comics and it's like If you if you look at it this way I look at it like those comics are propelling that person forward, you know

Like the next generation they're pushing them up the front lines at your turn, you know and everybody that that performs in that original room they had to earn that shit to get there and uh When they go on stage it is something special like they walk up knowing like hey, I'm a fucking paid regular Like there's such a pride in that at the store. It's a really cool thing to see that and uh that Everyone can count on that when you go there You got you know people gonna not no one's gonna walk and go, huh? Hold on. I gotta let me check my my clipboard and no, no, no People are going up there and set themselves on fire, right? Hey, Doug one of the I'm a high school dropout. I'm a felon

I'm a divorcee. I got a kid. I don't talk to I got a new kid I got a wife my got my life together And I gotta tell you other things I don't have the one thing I do have is That all these comics could suck my dick Is that I'm a fucking mittie sure paid regular. I mean she made me that's in my world guys That's like fucking carlo gambino putting you into the fucking Into the gaudy family whatever that is a gambino crime family. There was no bullshit. There was no tape There was no assistant

I went up there. I did three I came back the next week and did 10 and that bitch made me a regular And knocked the air out of me and my life has changed Ever since no matter how I feel about it no matter how she feels and she's Jewish So you let you know my admiration me goes all the way back to fucking israel with these motherfuckers Wasn't for a Jew. I wouldn't be here. You know I'm saying For wasn't for a Jew at every angle. I wouldn't be a Jew wouldn't have killed Jesus Jesus wouldn't have got a second fucking sequel if Jews Well, you're gonna give me the paperwork you're gonna sit there like a dozen butts

Let's do this. I'll go a few months. How many more stars you want to eat tonight. We pick pick a number 17 These are a strong start. How many how many milligrams are in a star 125 these are you kidding me? Yeah, you're going deep time for the murky waters of the underworld. Yeah And we've had what each so I like uh, I'm uh the ultimate lightweight like I feel 10 like no problem Oh, yeah, you're gonna feel this right up the back. So this is we're gonna end with eating two two more So what is this 14 whatever who gives a fuck I would be high for a week with just taking the Popeye's chicken So far

Who gives you 15 stars and takes you to Popeye's chicken not you me cock sucking because I love you You never take me to Popeye's chicken. Well, I'm gonna take you tomorrow Because I love you. You want another star? No, I got I still got a little bit of star left. You got the motorcycle. What do you got out there? What's that? Oh, no, I got I got the whiz, but I look I can take an Uber if this thing kicks in like I think it might okay Worst thing happens Take a walk Yeah You'll be back

Take a walk on channel. Let's see what they should what's Please make a noise like half my stomach is jello now from this fucking What gives a lot of jello star? You like jello somebody sent me a tape. I gotta send it here on the show Some I can't believe his name David He sent the tape on the podcast with lee on the mushrooms And he just took all the voices and just put all lee's sound effects From that podcast on the fucking 35 minute

I love it. Was that online? Can we watch can we see? Email me down the church podcast door. Oh my god So I gotta try how to send it to my email and it was too big So look at poor lee. Listen. He's playing the fucking trumpet over there. Let me tell you there was an episode where I I've never laughed so hard at anything I actually had to like edit a recording of it to listen to it a bunch of times where lee was so high It was the night you guys were talking about Uh, the the left turns were banned on hollywood because that cut out people from getting hookers

And and this was where lee lee was so high This was the most beautiful moment and you're talking about you're like, yeah They cut this off So now you couldn't turn left and get a hooker and lee forgot that he didn't have anything at stake Like he wasn't going to get hookers So he was so high that he didn't realize that and he goes Mother fuckers. He was so legitimately angry. I've never in my life laughed that hard He was like mother fucker. Like it's the greatest X should be everybody's ringtone

Uh lee lee's a fucking bill. I love I love I love getting that high and and that's It's and I get high envy out of you. Because I don't know how to get to that safely Oh, well, it's taking years and years of training Oh, he's a superstar You know, you know what I'm the other day. I remembered something lee went to a jujitsu tournament Lee gave him a chance. He went with a ripped gi. He had to roll up his pants because the gi was too long for him Lee actually You know, my agents always ask me when I put together like a web series and I'm like, listen

I have no web series for you. What I have is the educational lease. I had That's all I have for you a kid that was a sweet kid. He believed in society He believed in life. He thought everybody was nice and shit. And now This guy had a vietnam vet that was a cleaning woman, you know I mean, he had some guy from the war cleaning his house This guy made a bed for a hookah one night. We told him the hookah was on his way up And I go, it took you so long because I had to make the bed. Who makes the bed for the whole thing? This is how nice

The unmade bed who gives a fuck People are fucked in the back of a car. You know what I'm saying with with aids on the back seat Yeah class you fucking big dummy, I'm gonna do it you you over there you coming in my thing you swap spit with The shit You filthy fucking animal that's how you get your resistance up to what Say nothing happens to you It's like a polio back. Yeah, it's like listen You coming to prostitutes mountain you swaps me with a and calling like a dirty louis

Look at you go to miami and jump around for an hour. Those zika mosquitoes We don't survive the dirty louis Everybody survives a dirty little it's always gonna be collateral damage. You're fucking on cum mills it out You know I'm saying it's like no if you've gone to the point of needing a dirty louis You haven't had like a woman get come out of you for a while. So it's gonna be like a really like old one So what is this? Japanese now? You thought why do you always have to turn something into dirty old? You're the one who made it the dirty louis I don't know what a dirty louis. I didn't know what a dirty louis, but I I mean, I

I mean, I sort of know now Well, I'm happy that you know, I love it. Is that did you did you name it that or yeah? It's a dirty louis. It's got a last guy in the wood. But it was Louie over on any second street park He used to get hookers coming in my to make out with him and leave you where you always tell me how the sword throw What do you think? You're swapping spit with fucking hookers. They suck 18 dicks a week And you want to go over there and fucking you tell me love them and He's like no, I come in their mouth and I make out with them. Why would you do something like that?

Some people's fucking kids. Anyway, this show is brought to you by texture Oh my god Listen, thanks to pizza. We're all binge eating. Thanks to netflix. We're all binge watching But now with texture you can start binge reading trust me It's all about to be a thing when it comes to magazines You know what you like and with texture you get all the magazines you want in one super convenient place Texture has completely reimagined magazines reimage Magazines giving you the articles and stories you really want all in one place plus interactive features

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That's number one. Lee. I'm so glad they had rolling stone, too Like that was I was actually going to be bummed out if they did not have it and they got it and uh, It's a great. It sounds like a great one. Well, you know what? I'm happy you fucking like it You know what I'm saying? Maybe you'll go home and order put it on your things now Maybe we'll get to your own magazine. I don't fucking know put on the device around Why are you throwing me off here? I'm having problems here All the time. Listen not all ingredients are created equal Fresh high quality ingredients taste better and are better for you. So it's important

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Like parmesan. How many I only how many time how many meals do you have a week with blue apron? You get three recipes with two servings on the two person plan That's when I'm on they have like the family plan which gets more which If and when paul moves in we'll probably get that one because there's a lot more meals Because it's great. They like they literally so it's great because like you're learning so they they always like Lighten it up a little bit. They like put one clove of garlic I'm always like I'm gonna put like three cloves of garlic in here But it's cool because you like we made um like this we we made this pasta. That's what we made

We made this basil pasta with chicken And we made the sauce for it in like with the whole tomato with the tomato paste and the tomatoes and everything And we like it's just cool to learn how to do it because they make the instructions really easy Like so the trick I learned is they haven't set for like people who like maybe like want to go to culinary school So they're like, okay, so well, this is going cut this. I can't do that. I'm kind of slow so I do all the prep first And then I just look through and I look because sometimes they'll say grab some water So the only thing they don't give you is like water oil and oil and pepper. You said, right? Yeah, so that's it

So I'll get everything I need And most things take under an hour to do the whole thing. It's great And they're low calorie. Yeah, I think it's I think it probably says there it's between five and seven hundred calories of meal most of them Well, I'll tell you what you get all this for less than ten dollars per meal And beauty of it blue apron delivers the recipes along with the pre-proportioned ingredients to make your delicious home cooked meal Blue apron knows that when you cook with incredible ingredients, you make incredible meals So they set the highest quality standards for their community

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Everything else just my name. He looks at big. He's got great pictures on there every night settler's show Interesting guy. That's why i had a money. Have a great fucking monday. Have a great tuesday and we'll see you wednesday cocksuckers Stay black this show was brought to you by blue apron Go to blueapen.com slash joey right now And get your first three meals for free when you go to blueapen.com slash joey When you go to blueapen.com slash joey not only are you getting your first three meals for free You're also going to get free shipping blueapen.com slash joey the show is also brought to you by texture Go to texture.com slash joey and start their free trial right now

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