Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #413 - Jayson Thibault

Episode Date: September 15, 2016

Jayson Thibault, comedian and host of the "Punch Drunk Sports Podcast" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 09/14/2016.


The days are back. The church of what's happening now would love to introduce you to Hello Tushy. Go to hellotushy.com and they have portable devices that spray your butt clean with water. Go to hellotushy.com slash church right now to save 10 percent. That's hellotushy.com slash church right now to save 10 percent. The show is also brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use code word church to save 10 percent on all of their amazing optimization products like Alphabrand, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, and Shroom Tech Sport. Kick that fucking mule, Lee. It's that time. Little Wednesday night action

before Austin, Texas, the motherfucking red eye. Packed and ready. Guns are packed. The mule is on the way. And you got the church of what's happening now, cocksuckers. Wednesday, August 14th, September 14th. Are you kidding me or what? Get the cough medicine now, cocksucker. We're going deep tonight. Dip that joint and something from out of the heart. It's the church of what's happening now, baby. Kick it, Lee. Fuckin' tremendous. You know what? That song was overplayed when I was young and I got to hate it. It's still overplayed. And I heard it today because usually when it

comes on, I just switch it. I just switch. It's one of those that you just switch. Well, I heard it today and I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. Sometimes you go a long time without hearing one of the ones you get sick of. A lot of Beatles songs are like that. You get sick of hearing them because they're always played if you're out in a lot of places. But then if you don't hear it for a long time, then you hear you like, God damn it's so good. Were you a Beatles fan? I would not describe. I like the Beatles. I wouldn't describe myself as like a beat.

Like Don Barris is a huge Beatles fan. My mom is a huge Beatles fan. You know albums like when you were eating dinner and she put on fucking and let it be with all the songs on the album. Yep. My sister is a huge Beatles fan. I like the Beatles. I wouldn't say I'm a huge Beatles fan. I grew up hating the Beatles because the people around me, that's all the fuck they talked about. I'm more your side.

And then as I got old, I always liked Paul McCarthy solo and I like John Lennon solo. And then I just went backwards and there's an album that switches for me. Once it's really guitar-y, like early on, I don't like none of that shit. They have two albums, like 66 to 60, whatever. It's garbage for me. It's the second half of that career when they got tripped. I like that shit when they started doing acid and smoking pot. Yeah, that was that blew my fucking...

Like, yeah, I want to hold your hand days. Yeah, I don't want to hear that shit. I don't want to hear that shit. Yeah. I don't hear that shit. Lee, what's up, buddy? What's going on, my little goomba, each of debt. I'm feeling good.

Getting ready for Austin, Texas, barbecue. Oh, yeah. Fucking banana cream pie with the wafers in it. Fucking seafood gumbo on the ooey sausage. Shrimp and crab meat lobster. I feel like now you're just naming food. Shrimp and crab meat salad with a blue cheese dressing on it. Are you fucking kidding me?

We're big country, Texas fucking tomatoes in that bitch. Oh, yeah. I'm going deep. They said to take you to Pappasito. Somebody hit me today with an email on twin and said, make sure you take him to Pappasito's. He'll fucking write Paula a letter right there while he's eating. They're very one of the waitresses down there.

Oh, I can't wait. And then I had something kind of fucked up having last night. What happened? Nothing really fucked up, but like, OK, I always try to be safe. So whenever I take an edible, like I try to wait pretty much like until I'm sober to go home, but even when you're sober, like sometimes the next morning, the freeway gets a little bit creepy for me. So I actually got off like three exits too early last night

and just took the side streets home because the freeway was too much. Like because you were too stoned and I wasn't even that stoned. I was like, it was like six hours ago and I had like two stars. It wasn't that bad. It was just this time's I've taken edibles in the morning like an asshole before a flight and I've gotten that fucking car and you're in that little HIV lane. So we lay. Yeah.

And you're bugging it and you're coming next to cars by an inch. Start getting creepy after the tech. Sure. Like if you take a star or you need an edible and you got on the four or five, it gets fucked up. Oh, my God, we did it one time and we were driving. I don't remember nothing. We blacked out the San Diego trip. It took there was an hour in that in that trip.

Did I fucking blacked out? You don't remember it at all. I was too high. My eyes were winging out that this the the lights were fucking affecting my eyes. That's the night I got sick. We're going downhill. Right. Yeah. You just pull the door. I can't handle that shit either.

Do you either of you remember the first time when you came when you were driving on the freeway in Los Angeles and you had the realization that it's legal for motorcycles to go zoom in through the lanes? Oh, yeah. Like that's extremely illegal in like Chicago or Indiana or any place I've lived in the past. And you're just sitting there and gridlock traffic and these motorcycles go zoom in like 30 miles an hour in between the lanes.

How the hell is that legal? It's so dangerous. It was I remember like when I first moved here, I lived in the valley because it was cheap and I was always working down there. And I would always go down the 405. And one morning, I think like the first week I was there, I got. I got kicked by one because apparently they didn't like where I was in the lane or something.

So as they went by, they kicked my car. But you've got to pay attention to the rear view mirror. Oh, my God. Constantly. Yeah. If you're in the HOV or in the fourth lane, you have to pay attention constantly in Los Angeles. Very seldom do they go in lane number one or two or three, unless they're coming on. But even when they come on, they shoot right for the HIV and they fucking shoot down that motherfucker.

And I'll tell you, there's times you're just sitting there in traffic and you don't know what have you got to cut over and you don't see this guy. He's dead. So Michael saw a guy die on the one or one or one 70 Sunday morning, doing 90. Doing that on a motor. Bam. Yeah. With nobody out there. Bam. Just fucking went to have to fuck that. What I found out about you recently, Tebow, that I did not know is that you're

such a big sports guy. I thought that you were like the fucking third wheel on the show. I listened to you a couple of weeks ago. Oh, yeah. You're fucking knowledgeable on sports, man. Thank you, buddy. Yeah. I well, you know, this is my 12th season working at the Red Zone for the NFL, and I pretty much have worked my way to head of research. So it was special when it comes to football.

You have seen football in my two favorites. No baseball. I like the Cubs. I like baseball. Baseball is probably a little bit after NBA. I would go probably NFL, UFC, NBA, baseball and hockey. You're probably tied for whatever. All this soccer bull shit everybody talks. I know you got to we all are these international fans.

They constantly hit us up. You guys need to talk about European soccer more. I'm like, I got too much on the plate to start watching. How old are you now? I'll be 44 Friday. OK, happy birthday. Thank you, brother. I'm not 10 years year old. And what a lot of people should know is that when I was in high school,

there was no soccer. Only Spanish kids that didn't speak English played soccer on Saturdays at the park. You think I'm kidding you? There was no soccer. There was no soccer. There was a tennis team in my high school and saw archery. There was no soccer.

Archery. Sock until somebody got shot with an arrow. I was just going to say somebody got shot in an arrow in high school in archery. And that was the end of that fucking course. I never I never understood. Like the it's just I understand why people like it, but it's just too long like what soccer. Yeah, it's just too much.

Well, it's just for me to watch something. It's for three hours and then it's zero to zero. I'm just like somebody do something. Somebody do something. I always bust these balls about sports on Sunday to sit there for 12 hours and eat wings and shit. You're a big sports guy. I used to be.

I used to be. He's always he. I love I love. He's not as big as I fucking thought he was. Like this time's I was asking questions about and he'll go, I'm not watching because the New England Patriots are at it. So fucking I thought he would watch everything. But I have friends that grew up watching. So I learned to watch everything.

I would get I had no home. So we get stuck in corkies watching all those fucking games all day, making believe it was having a good time praying to get the fuck out of it. Right. I'll never forget I bust these balls one time I went to a car sales convention and they had different guys talking about their careers and how they became dealers and all this like a corporate gig and kind of thing. You know, I wasn't I wasn't a comedian.

I was selling cars at the time. Oh, OK. You would the dealer would send you. OK, for a day to a seminar. And you spoke about sales and whatever the fuck. And there was one particular guy's name was Doug Spaddy. And he said two things that always like fucked with me. He goes when you have money, you have to know how much money you have at all times, which I don't have money.

So it doesn't really matter. But he was like the guy in the casino in Ocean's Eleven. He goes to see that every hour somebody would give him a piece of paper with what they made, what was in the bank at that time. Remember, I was telling you Lee that he was like an old school Jew. Right. Doug Spaddy. And he said that, you know, every hour on the hour, I know exactly what I got in the bank. My assistant brings me a card.

And I put it in the top and all day when I get home, I put them in a paper clip. And, you know, this is and then towards the end, we were standing around and Denver is a big sports. Very big, like a big fucking Bronco thing. We were talking about it during the Broncos in Denver. You could do whatever the fuck you want. If you're going to do a crime, it's during the Bronco game. Sure. What we talking about crime in Denver.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You were talking about how you are you fucking. Oh, you know, you know, he said, oh, no, that. Yeah, that car convention. A bunch of guys were standing around Doug Spaddy and they were talking about the fucking Broncos Broncos. There's Broncos that and somebody said to him, what do you think about the fucking percentages of whatever?

And he goes, you know, I don't know much about the Broncos. I'm a friend of Elway's and I go to the games. I'm a fan of theirs. But he goes, I really don't know the numbers. He goes, I don't have a memory for useless information. And I felt so fucking bad at that time. And I started thinking about that. I was like a young man.

I always liked sports. Sure. Like, but at that time, I wasn't really like I was the type of kid that went to a baseball game with a bat in the glove. I went to see the Knicks with a basketball. Yeah, sure. Of course. So one day I just realized you had to make a living. And sometimes if you want to make a living, you can't watch college football all day on a Saturday.

Sure. And once you do it, it's very liberating. It's like throwing away your iPhone. Yeah, I can see you. You follow me. You know, I can see where you go. Like weekend six, your girlfriend's at a park and here you are with six gorillas. Yeah, fucking potato chips, farting like me. Yeah. Smelling up a room, you know.

And at one point you got to go, what is that? Yeah, I remember one year I went, I did that kind of throw away your iPhone thing with football. Because, you know, the team I was room for and had bet on was eliminated out of the playoffs. And I was like, so now it's AFC NFC championship weekend. So this, you know, there's one game, then there's another game. And those are the two teams that go to the Super Bowl.

Then it's a week off, then it's Super Bowl. So it's the second and third most important games of the year other than the Super Bowl. And I'm like, fuck it, man, I'm not going to watch football. Me and my girlfriend went to, I went with her friends. We went to Magic Mountain and it was just like the same thing you're saying, like committing a crime at a Broncos home game. There was fucking, and I hate lines.

So I never want to go to amusement parks. There was nobody at this thing. Like the roller coaster we would ride would just pull into the thing and they'd be like, if you want to stay on it, stay on it. If you want to get off, get off. Like you never had to wait in lines because everybody was watching those two games. That's a good idea because honestly, like Joey was saying,

like if the Patriots don't make it to the Super Bowl this year, I don't really give it like I honestly don't. I would like if I was, if I followed the Giants. Yeah, do you have a favorite like? Yeah, are you kind of a Broncos guy? I mean, you're. Let's take it to the beginning. Uh huh.

I like the fucking suits. I like the uniforms when I was a kid. When I came on the Minnesota Vikings, I like the colors. And I tried to watch them, but they were losers. They lost like four Super Bowls. So I had to couldn't hang out with the Vikings no more. And one day I was watching football. I was watching the Dallas Cowboys

and I saw them do that thing they do in the offense where they first line up, they come up and their hands are up. And then the guy would go hot and then they'd set their fucking hands and they had their home colors on, which their home colors are bad as I think it's the silver. In those days, it was the silver with the blue fucking things and the fucking blue. So I became a Dallas fan.

Like I like Dallas. I like that style of football. And then I liked once Lawrence Taylor became a giant. I loved it. I loved everybody that everybody liked that guy. I would have liked to watch him. And now it's like the end of the coke.

I mean, players get busted for coke and all this kind of stuff now. But back then, like Stereostrawberry, all those guys that it was such a big thing in the 80s that for everyone from Wall Street to the, you know, all the way down was doing coke that it wasn't really like if we knew now, if somebody was in the NFL doing as much coke as Lawrence Taylor was back then, I mean, he'd be done. He would play four or five games. He would piss dirty.

He wouldn't be able to piss clean again, and he would just be gone. We never would. If they had the same drug testing system they do now in the NFL, we never would have seen the greatness of Lawrence Taylor. That's crazy. I don't think they were prepared for the epidemic. They endured. It wasn't before Lawrence Taylor, there was a guy by the name of Hollywood

Henderson that played for the Dallas Cowboys, Sergio Ortega, a fucking listener of this podcast. There's Beauty and the Beast sent me the one of my favorite reads of all time is Playboy October of 81. They put an article about about Hollywood Henderson. Hollywood Henderson was done at that time and they put a fucking article out. He starts from training camp in Tarzana. When the Cowboys used to training camp up here.

There's still somewhere around here. Oxnard, that's right, that's right. Up here. Yep, yep, yep. And he goes, here I am at rookie training camp. I got two hits of acid, three joints, four cigarettes, $40 worth of blood. I mean, he just described what he had.

I don't think I'm going to make it for three weeks. You know, that was towards the end of his career or early? That was when he was a rookie. And it just gets from there. It just, he's right. What are you doing with no money? Yeah, he's renting cars. He's going to the commie store and picking up the Richard Pryor.

And then they would go pick up the point of sisters and they would go free base cocaine. The back of the boy. Oh my God, the fucking article is just sensational. And he talks about how Ed Too Tall Jones for his birthday got him four women, a black one, a Brunetta blonde and a fucking redhead. Like that's how crazy Dallas was. Wow. Then the fucking, the biggest shock of the 80s was the San Diego Chargers.

They had a quarterback named Dan Fouts. And I always talk about this. I always think about life like this, that Dan Fouts was built like Lee. You remember Dan Fouts? Of course, yeah. He was built like Lee. Handsome motherfucker. But he could throw a fucking ball from here to your mother's house and back.

And so Air Corrielle was the coach. They, they called him Air Corrielle because he always went to the air, but he also had a running back called Chuck Muncie. Hmm. Remember Chuck Muncie? Chuck Muncie became a Coke snorting motherfucker. So years later, they came out with books. You got to hunt these books down about what was really going on in San Diego when they played

Miami in Miami. Oh yeah. They had to play off with Kellen Winslow. Kellen Winslow, yeah. Yeah. When they had to walk them off the field with fucking two guys and then all of a sudden you see them back there and fucking the fourth quarter. And you're like, what the fuck how they lost?

But they stayed in Miami for a week and bought a half a kilo. And they were nuts. They were nuts as a team. What Lawrence Taylor was doing by himself in New York, the San Diego Chargers were doing in San Diego. It was so bad that Fred Dean to all start defense event, raised his hand, demanded to be traded. He got traded to the San Francisco 49ers. They ended up winning.

Check it out with Fred Dean. And one of the quotes he told him, he goes, why did you leave San Diego? It was a bunch of free basin motherfuckers. Really? Oh my God. It's hilarious. They went deep. So the deepest one was that one Sunday night, one Sunday NFL, your show comes on and goes,

tragic news out of San Diego. Dan Fouts fell down the stairs back in me and he heard his shoulder. Years later, they were snorting blow. They were paranoid. Dan Fouts had a gun and the gun slipped and shot him in the fucking shoulder. They had a liaison to the police department. They called him and he swept it all under the fucking tank. Like what?

In those days, you had one cop you called and listen, you stab a bitch. You would be great at that job. What's that? It's like the cleaner, like the guy that's in, what's that show on Showtime? Ray Donovan. Ray Donovan, that kind of job. I think you would be good at that. Well, yeah, because you got to be right on the spot.

Like, but that shit takes too long. The people today don't listen. I can't, if I go to lead 10 times, Lee, the cops are going to be in two minutes. Shut your fucking mouth. The attorney comes here within 10 minutes. Lee will be talking because he's a sweetheart of a guy just like my wife. That too nice to understand that concept. Go ahead.

Keep your mouth shut. Keep your fucking mouth shut. Keep your fucking mouth shut. Keep your mouth. Don't even say a word when you go to the jet. Don't talk to no one. When they come over and sit next to you and ask you, what are you in there for? And did you have drugs?

That's the fucking snitch. Don't say two words, but people don't listen. I didn't listen. So I get it. I didn't listen and I came from there. I can't imagine. You follow me? I can't imagine people who didn't come from there.

It's very hard. Oh, yeah. And when you talk to them, they go, why'd you say something? Well, they scared me. I told you not to say a fucking word, but today it's different. Lee doesn't know the ropes. Only people who get... Even after I beat it into you the first time, the first time after you get it,

it's like anything else. Once you get kicked on the stomach, then you'll learn. Once you learn that everything you say is going to really be held against you, and you're going to drop your jaw, you're going to go, I was just kidding. I just saw something when a guy said that he fainted. Oh, it was a show about a hooker's thing in Florida. Just a disgusting show I was watching about a month ago. I was in Denver and one night I get back to the hotel room,

and there's a show on about fucking undercovers things. Oh, sure. Like noodles and that geoshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always watch those games. I would cry on TV or whatever. And they put a hooker in the room, and there were really a cop, and then as soon as you give me money.

Oh, and they got the cameras set up. The cameras set up, and it was hysterical. The cops came in, and the guy was like, oh my god, I feel dizzy. He was like, and I remember he was here on a visitation visa, and he goes, oh my god, I feel dizzy. And they're like sitting, sitting, they gave him water. And he's sitting there, and all of a sudden he just looks at the window, and the cop goes, why do you keep looking at the window?

He goes, because my family's going to be really upset. I feel like jumping out the window at this point in my life. And the cop goes, you're suicidal. So they put him in a fucking cell for three days, you know, no fucking shoe ladies. Just for saying that. The guy was livid. He's like, it was just an expression.

I just said it was enough, and he did. He just said it was a fucking expression. Yeah. Joe Gentile. They could do whatever the fuck they want to you, man. If you, when push comes to shove, if somebody at power wants to make you fucking vanish, you're fucked. You're fucked.

What a crazy fucking world we live in. Really is crazy. I'm sick of all these people. You, have you listened or heard of all this Colin Kaepernick shit of everyone's, whether he takes a knee during the national anthem, whether he doesn't, whether it's like, who gives a fuck? Even if you want to protest, it's your right to protest.

So a bunch of players now are taking knees. And what does that mean? Taking a knee means what? They were, they're in essence not refusing to stand during the national anthem, but they are protesting during the national anthem. All of the racial abuse that's been going on from cops, all the videos that are coming out.

They're, you know, that's kind of, a lot of them taking their stance to that. And then ESPN is eating it up. Like it's a soap opera. And then like the, the Nate Boyer who we had on here, like a year or two ago, he went and talked to Kaepernick. I read and that's, that he, they came up with the knee thing is what I read.

Because apparently it's a little bit more respectful. They felt like it was more respectful than sitting down. So that's what they're doing apparently. Very interesting. But it's, hold on. Um, oh, you guys, I mean, you were, you guys talking about they can do whatever they want. And I don't know that much about it,

but I read a couple articles. Like they supposedly had like secret jails. Like there was one in Chicago. I'm sure they do. Like, have you heard of any of that stuff, Joe? All my life, man. Really? All my fucking life.

Fuck. Like not secret jails, but every jail has a room that nobody knows about. Every jail has a room that doesn't have a camera. Every jail has a sector that doesn't have a camera that the camera can't reach. They do that purposely. They do that purposely.

Well, what happened to the tape? It's there. Well, what do you see? I see him and him talking and going into the hallway. Sorry, Charlie. There's always something that they could, there's a way for them to get around it. Abuse their power?

Yeah. Is that what I want to say? Yeah. You know, there's always somewhere on the walk to the shower where I could get hit with a stick in the prison. There's one fucking opening. Whenever you watch anything on TV about a prison, the one where they say,

we'll get them after the mess hall. There's no guards there. There's always, there's always an out. It's so fucking weird that it makes you think. It makes you become a conspiracy theorist. Like there's always an out. There always is. There always is a fucking slip up.

So, you know, all the like this conspiracy theories. I'm just, I don't care. I just get to it. I'm like, well, so maybe we didn't land on the moon. Maybe aliens really exist. Maybe all this. What does it fucking mean? Who can't, it's not like you're ever going to find out.

It's interesting. But it's something that you think about when you're in a flight. Yeah. In between a book and a movie. Not even. Not even for me. Not even. You know, you look at the Kennedy assassination.

You look at the moon landing. You look at this. You look at that. You look at the, it's all got to by the way. If you're going to sit there and dedicate your life to this, it's going to eat you up alive. You just move forward and worry about your little circle. Like this with your arms.

You see that little hug right there? That circle, that's yours. If anybody interferes that circle, that's who you have to work. It is a circle like this. You got a basket in front of you. You know, that's it. If I'm going to sit here and sit here for an hour and debate the Kennedy, it's been done, what, 50 fucking years?

It gives a fuck. 50 fucking years. There's been a thousand movies there. There's been so many movies they remastered the movies and made more fucking money. And Joe Schmoke keeps buying this shit. Like it really fucking matters. Like we don't know how the movie's going to end.

He's dead. You know, now what do we have? We have a thousand conspiracies against the 9-11. And I tell you, I've heard some valid fucking points. Maybe. But what do you want me to do? Exactly. If you don't fucking open this up,

it would be very shocking to me if a country would put their own people up to get blown up, but it's been done before. My problem, my problem is I'm too gullible because I like some good editing. I believe. You look gullible. I do.

Doesn't he look gullible? I look like I be and I am. You look like you're easily swindled. What have you learned? How long have you been in this time? Me? Yes. I have been here for like 17 years.

That's right. We did the Pono thing together in the pool and shit. I forgot. Yeah. We talked about that last time. What year was that? 97, 98. That had to be like 99.

I must have just got here. Just got here. Let me talk to you about something. You're an honest guy. We were talking before the podcast started about, I don't have 10. I don't have one book at me. I have 10, but one of them pertain to what we've seen here.

And a lot of it has been positive. What I would write in my book is the growth of people. What I've seen, people who when I got here were assistant agents. And now they run a comedy division and I see them and they give me a big hug. I still remember them being young walking around the county store all fucking nervous. You see those people now. And you see those people now. So if you come to me now, I was a 26 year old and I don't like my job at Gershry.

I don't like my job at William Morris. You know, so I'm like, listen, sit tight because I've seen something here. Those guys that were getting coffee fucking, when I got here, those guys that were out every night with the agent laughing at their jokes and going, no, he's not, yeah, you're right. He's not funny. Those guys today are running this town. Running shit.

The guy from CAA, there's another guy from Joe, whatever, like for those guys that were assistants back then are now running comedy divisions. Yeah. And they were 20 then and now they're whatever, 21, 22 then. And now they're in their 40s and you see them with Maserati's and you're like, damn, I saw this guy when he fucking, you know, when he was doing nothing. You know, Bobby Lee tells a story about him and I getting

being broke at the Latino live festival, 1999. We were so broke that we had to have a manager buy us dinner because they didn't give you a per diem. You know, you see comedy routine, people who were supposed to be stars and didn't become stars, but the main thing I wanted to talk to you about them really makes you think, and I want the public to really know about this, the people who listen to this show. We deal with, I don't know how many comedians in our circle, but maybe a thousand.

A lot. I was going to say hundreds. Let's just say a thousand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a lot of funny and I'm not here to put anybody down. I'm just here to educate somebody and to talk to Jason's good about this stuff. So now we have a thousand comedians and every year out of those thousand comedians, 18 of them get a special from Comedy Central.

So these are the 18 they choose to you. And there's these other comedians that are working hard that don't have a manager or an agent and just don't know how to get there. And they're hilarious. It's like the people who were too fucking stupid to get to a big college and they go to a community college and they transform and they get their shit together. Now they go to lead the NBA in scoring. But for the first two years of college, they were fucking playing with crayons and

sharpening pencils and lighting fires and shit and fucking writing on Dixie Cups and shit, their name. Right. Same thing. It's the same fucking concept. But think about the people who have never gotten those specials who were really funny that the public doesn't know of us. There's so many.

So you have to think that the same way comedy is judgmental, you have to think that the media news is judgmental. The stories they report. Absolutely. You have to assume that when we listened to Led Zeppelin, there was really three Led Zeppelins. We never really listened to, because maybe they were on heroin, maybe they didn't look right. Maybe they were all fat and they didn't have the long hair and the look.

You know how now they'll say they're looking for guys who never has it. That's me, Jason Tebow. Jason, they're looking for guys between 27 and 34. And you're like, they're looking for funny. But no, they're looking for a demographic. You don't fit it. You're out. You're out.

You're dead meat. So the same way, and I'm not putting down Comedy Central, CNN or anything like that. I'm just making an observation that if you think about what they do with comedians out of all the great comics that are around us, the ones that get chosen for certain things, and we're not hating, but you sit there and go, wait a second. This guy got this. Oh, there's a lot of that. This guy is the fucking king of that.

And he didn't even talk to him about this. Right. It must be frustrating from a certain point because I'm one of those people. I grew up in Boston and there's not, and I grew up outside of Boston. So all I grew up watching was premium blend. Like that was when I was growing up, all those things. So those are the people you want to see. And then when you have a choice to go see, if you're looking at the schedule at the improv

and you see someone who you know that you'd like their special versus Jason Tebow or Joey Diaz who you don't know their names, you're going to pick the person you know or you never like. Sure. Yeah. That's why a lot of us covet those, getting those TV spots, getting those things because now you're selling out in some towns where they probably wouldn't even let you feature. And your act hasn't changed. And your act hasn't changed.

Your act hasn't changed one single bit from the time your TV thing airs. You know, if you're going to be like on some sort of sitcom or something, you know, it premieres tonight. You're a selling out headliner in two weeks later and your act hasn't changed one bit. Whether you're good or bad, you know, there's terrible, terrible headliners in this country that get to headline for decent pay that are just headlining because they're on XYZ, who gives a shit show. But that doesn't work for a long time.

Nope. Because it's a perishable product. We, listen, there's guys that have a certain air or confidence to them. And it's like in any profession, any profession, like if let's say me and Lee were welders, we welded for some shipyard on Long Beach. But guess what? Lee's a great welder for a 28 year old guy. He's fucking brilliant.

But you know what? I welded in Vietnam with missiles getting shot at me. So I'm always going to get high and over fucking Lee because of the shit gets out of you. I got Vietnam, Lee. What have you been, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's always that extra experience for years. Lee made a, asked a question about where we ever frustrated.

But you get frustrated, you learn the ropes and then you realize that every fucking year, every fucking year, five guys pop up, one because he was on a reality show, one because just who knows, random situations. And all of a sudden there was a situation 15 years ago where a guy was in the first fucking ever reality show, Lee. You were a kid when reality first started. There was fear factor and something else and something else. But there was one show that was like a guy who married a chick.

Like the first bachelor. That guy was a fucking comedian who was flaggery. Whatever you call it, like he was at the end, he wasn't doing much. He only worked like 10 weeks a year. Lee, he got huge. So what they did with him. Who was it? I forget his name.

And I had just worked with him in Portland's, at Harvey's in Portland, like maybe a year before I moved here from Seattle. I had just worked with him. Madam, he was a nice guy and he was telling me that he was taking over. Was he already on the show then or was he? No. I came down here and all of a sudden one day, everybody's talking about him. I remember that comic, oh my God.

And he was on there and his popularity built. And all of a sudden what they did was great story, just to show you that you have to have balls in every angle. What they did was at that time, who's the guy that died? Richard Bird. Robert Schimmel. Oh, Bob Schimmel, yeah. What they did was they had Robert Schimmel and all the improv's.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So what did they do? This guy got such a big demand that they cut into everybody's schedule on the improv. Jason Tebow, no more Thursday. The guy from the batches covered it. You know, and you lost. But Jason, he was putting, you know, passes and seats. He was putting 400 fucking seats in every market.

They had him out from Monday to Sunday for eight months. He didn't build it. So it went into pizza. Oh, you know, and this guy was in old school. Like he had bricks. He had chops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They say in the business.

Sure. He had chops, but he never carried the fuck. He never covered the spread. A lot of the last kind of extended. A lot of the guys that won last kind of extended at first were feature acts. Absolutely. And two weeks later, they were on the road dog getting five G's headlining. And just they can't do 25.

And they can't do 25. They got to call Gene Pompey and all these alternate comics to fill in the time. They also did the same with my body from the one who fucking stabs himself in the eyeballs and shit. Oh, Stevo. Stevo. I actually. You know, yeah. When Stevo Fies, a great guy.

But when Stevo started, at least he was getting on stage and he built it. He would bring two guys with him to do 30. And he would do 35, 38. And now he's doing an hour. He taped the fucking special. So, you know what? Like a guy like that. He's a cool guy.

He's a cool guy. Real cool guy. Because he gets that. I understood that. And he used to, when he first started doing that, and he's like, well, now I'm getting paid to headline, but I'm not really a comic. Like, what am I going to do? And, you know, he paid me to, he would just watch.

He would record, video record his sets. And he would do 35, 40. He would do everything he could. And he'd like come over to my place. We're going to watch the, watch my set. And I want you to just, like as a comic, like help me punch stuff up. Help me stretch stuff out. You know, like, and dude, we did that for, I don't know, five, six months or something.

That's one thing that when I first got here, I lacked this conference. But I saw myself in fucked up situations every night. Like, it's like for me, go to Jiu-Jitsu now. When I go to Jiu-Jitsu, there's a part of the class where you warm up. There's a part of the class where you drill. And there's a part of the class where you have to break a guard. Ever since I've been in this advanced class, I haven't broken one guard. I guess, no, no, no, no, they fucking sweet me.

They submit me. I'm fucking terrible at it. Yeah. That's what happened with County. Okay. Everywhere I went, I had to follow down forever. Paul Mooney. I was always in the dungeon.

Carlos Mancia. I went to the laugh factory, the Latino night. Everybody who walked in was there to crush me. Pablo, Paul Rodriguez, and then I had to follow him. So for a long time, my confidence was crushed. What I didn't know is I was getting killed. And I was figuring out ways how to get a little out of binds. So for the first couple of times I went on stage, yeah, I didn't get a laugh.

But then I started figuring out how to get a laugh at the eight minute mark. The 12 minute mark and a laugh before I get off. I learned how to improvise a little bit and get out of my fucking joke. Get the fuck out of the joke then. What, what? You got eight people. You're bombing and you're still going to kill, you're still going to do that fucking material that's killing you.

Go, go, walk. Right. And you learn and also you learn how to get yourself out of binds and comedy. That's the beauty of it. That's what a lot of people can't do. You know, sometime you're up on stage and we say something that's fucked up. We lose them for a couple of minutes. Last night I told the story about robbing a chick in LA one time.

I, I fingered her and whatever. She had money in her fucking pocket. Oh, sure man. And you could see the tone of the room change. But the 20 year experience knows how to talk through that. Yes. And how to say one word to change the momentum. One word, something sweet, something lovable,

something will change that whole fucking thing around. I mean, I saw something brilliant once a movie came out called What's the more Richard Gheon Andy Garcia when they fucking like dirty cops? 89 90. Richard Gheer was so big. He was in every 80s thing. What is it? Internal.

Internal. You ever see that movie? Yeah. No. No, why would you? You're busy watching the purple is yellow. What the fuck that dumb show is. But you know, this guy had just won whatever the fuck it is.

This guy had just won. I think he won the Academy Award for office in a gentleman. Can you check that out for me if you're okay. If you won the Academy Award for that. That was like the biggest fuck. He did a American Jig along with. Yeah, he was big. He was like a brand five.

Yeah, like that was fucking badass. Then he dropped something else that he dropped. Uh, office in a fucking gentleman and he was just huge. And then somewhere, you know, I don't know his itinerary of films. I'm not Johnny IMDB, but somewhere he dropped internal affairs. And then internal affairs. He played somebody that was just a complete scumbag. But the beauty of it was he was a cop.

Lee, there's a scene where he goes to his ex-wife to give him money for support. And he's like, how you been good? And also he's like, uh, so what are you doing right now? And she's like nothing. I'm just gonna wait for the kids. He goes, he just opens up the bedroom, opens the fucking door. Like it's time to fuck, bitch. He had eight girlfriends in this fucking movie Lee.

He was just filthy. He killed his partner. I mean, you fucking, you fucking cheered for him at the end. You know, and then he came out with pretty women right away. And he changed your perception. You forgot all about internal affairs. It was a brilliant move. I haven't fucking seen it in my life.

I don't think we're gonna do one in Oscar. No, I don't think so. Either the movie one, somebody want to fucking ask in that movie. Something happened, but who gives a fuck? She won one for that for a pretty woman, didn't she? Did a Julie Roberts win? Somebody. I think she won one for that.

And I think Officer and the Gentleman maybe won one. I don't think he got it, but I think that movie won one. He said, you guys are talking about something. Very interesting. Somewhere in the conversation chains. So Hollywood Henderson did his damage. And when I was in high school, when I had quit in 81, I had heard about this guy, Lawrence Taylor, and won that at Thanksgiving.

And my friend was supposed to pick me up. We're going into Harlem to pick up an eight-ball and whatever. And I'm watching Lawrence Taylor on the outside with a white jersey on, 56. And his fingers are moving. And he's got his left leg up first, and he's ready to block. And also, he's facing like he's gonna go in, and the quarterback takes the ball, and immediately looks to his left and just throws a pass in the three-yard line. And you see Lawrence Taylor scooping and running back to 97 yards on Thanksgiving Day.

My head blew up. I'm a defense guy. I like people flying and throwing fucking balls and shit. But I'm a defensive guy. Sure. Lawrence Taylor sucked me in. But then I started hearing things. Like, I was out copping, and I would hear about it.

You were in New York at the Houston Run, right? I'm in New York at this run. In the 80s, that's where you were. I'm in New York at this run. Sure. So 83, there was a party for Z100. That's the radio station? It was a radio station.

And that's the first time I heard anything, Jason T. But also, I hear these girls from my hometown went, and they came back, and their heads were blown. They're like, I can't believe everybody had blow. Leonard Marshall fucking Lawrence Taylor. And I'm like, no, Lawrence Taylor does not do coke. Like, at first, I got mad, and then I go, But now you're at the time doing coke.

Yeah, I'm fucking done. So why were you shocked that he did it? Because he was one of my heroes. Oh, because you had him on a pass. Yeah, I had him on a pass. It was like Julius Irving. I find out he's a woman being a nothing. Julius Irving's a saint all his life.

He's never done a fucking thing except his son was a junkie, but then his fault. And it was like, sometimes you got to give one to get one. So when Lawrence Taylor started going around, I started hearing little stories, and then I moved to Colorado. And that winter, I'm hearing stories that not only are the fucking the giants buying blow and stuff, but they're hanging out in the bar.

I was hanging out with, and they would lock the door and take it out. And Snort let it marshal, a couple of white dudes. And at this time, my friend was a ball boy for the Nets, and he's selling coke to Darrell Dawkins. And Darrell Dawkins is giving him a sneakers so he could sell them after the game to make more coke money. Fucking tremendous fucking stories, because they get a new pair of sneakers for every game.

Every game, yeah. I didn't know that. They usually give him away to some sort of charity. Yeah, not this guy, not Darrell Dawkins. He was giving them the fucking whatever this kid name was, Noel and Noel would sell them. He would sign them. Just crazy shit.

So I left, and that winter I was hearing all these rumblings. So I come back February of 84, and I'm just, I go from fucking being a saint, like not really, I'm not gonna lie to you. I was at least trying to. Sure. And then by the summer, it was everywhere. Cocaine was everywhere.

It was to the point where Lee was selling coke. Like Lee would call me up and go listen. My date came over here and asked me, I know anything about cocaine. I know you like it. So I got you something. Really, Lee? Yeah.

Fucking Lee, man. I'll be right over. How much did you get me? I don't know. He said it was 2 pounds, 2.2 pounds of Jito? And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck? That's how it got. Because people would get, at 1.84, it was everywhere.

It was like the weed stores now. I always compare it to the growth of the weed store. That's interesting. And Scarface is fucking ripping it. It's on VCR now. And everybody's at home watching Scarface. Every time he says, fuck, they're doing a line of coke. It was out the summer of 84.

You got Scarface. You got Michael Jackson. You got Bruce Springsteen born in the USA. You got Michael. And you got Blow everywhere. And everybody's selling it. And the most unlikely people are fucking selling blow. And people are saying to you like, Joey,

can you get rid of this? I don't know. I was as people. Now, weren't people really doing it? It wasn't as secretive, right? Like, because it wasn't as bad for you. And at that point, nobody was really, there was a few ads that said, I lost my job.

I lost my house. I lost my car. Ad executives were going out. It went from a white collar to a white collar dog. People were already fighting it. They were fighting fucking the Colombians, Pablo Escobar. It was on. But on the streets of New York City, Miami, you know,

any way you went, you'd get coke in five fucking minutes. And I had friends that were, like, I'm telling you, guys that worked for the town of North Bergen that were like plumbers, they were calling me up and going, talking, you got my over here. I guess the name was Colombian. And he wanted me to ask if anybody could, he gave me an answer, take it.

And I go, you fucking serious. And it wasn't just fucking, it was real. 1984, your eyes still got red. See, I only, because I was so young back then, you know, 84. So I was probably like 6, 15, 14, something like that back then. I never had like big coke runs. I never had, you know, back then, but it was definitely around.

I remember my father doing coke. I remember all his friends doing coke and that whole scene. By the time like I'm like old enough to be dicking around with drugs or anything like that, the weed was already coming. It was already starting to be weed. You know, it was before, you know, then there was that whole ecstasy. That was a quick thing.

Everybody doing ecstasy, it felt like a, I think that's just like a young person's drug. All that stuff just evolved. Listen, Mike Walood became their ecstasy. Totally right. Then ecstasy became DMH and this became this, but it's here. So here you go. My turn is it was Valium.

Valium. So October of 84, I'm gone T-Boo. And me and my friends went to a giant game to watch the Tampa Bay Buccaneers against the Giants with a running back called James Wilder. Okay, I didn't remember. That was a beautiful fucking man and he could run the ball. Lawrence Taylor's at the top of his fucking game.

Okay, at that point, October, everybody knew, listen, listen, here's the plan, dog. Lawrence Taylor, what do you want to do with him? Right. You got two options. You block and you play the rest of the field and you throw away from him and you run away from him or you could run at him.

Both ways you're going to lose. Both ways he's going to figure it out by the second quarter and you're going to be buried. And that game, I saw something that I had never seen before. Like it taught me about life. Tampa Bay said, we're going to tell you what we're going to fuck up. He snorted the entire 43 yard line.

No. Tampa Bay, he came out and he goes, give me the fucking ball and I'm going to run it right at Lawrence. Nobody's ever done that before. Nobody's ever done it. Let's try it. It worked. He cracked Lawrence Taylor and what fucked me up after that is

nobody ever caught that. Because Lawrence Taylor was always chasing. Nobody ever went at him. They went at him. Well, I'm telling you. He was probably shocked at that too. Every play was down Lawrence Taylor's Mount. You know what?

We're going to give it to you. You want to run the outside? He's going to be running there. And Lawrence Taylor kind of sort of, and I learned something even about life. Just go, go. And I'll never forget that game. So now I go crazy.

I try to get my life together. I stopped doing blow. I have a friend who a house burns down. House burned down? Like half of it burned down. So the insurance company in those days put you in a hotel. Right. And they put it up.

It could be a Marriott. I'm too old now. I used to know the name then. It could have been a fucking Marriott. It could have been a Hilton. But anyway, this place had the best happy hour at the time. What city is this? It was in Lynnhurst, New Jersey.

Okay. Okay. Lynnhurst for the town next to it. And they pretty much, and you're hearing this from Joey Diaz. I'm a fat fuck. They invented the happy hour at that time. Yeah. The ground round had the fucking Monday night football game

with the meatballs and the wings and shit. But this place gave it to you for gratis on the arm. And I'm talking about glazed wings. How Lee likes one. I like barbecue. They had that. They had wings. They had meatloaf.

They had pot roast mashed potatoes. People would fucking, you know, caterers would fucking Suits on giving you food. So this girl tells me she had to come. The Giants are downstairs. Oh, shit. They're down there every fucking night. Come, I get to the whole town.

At the time, I'm trying to be clean and sober. I'm smoking dope. And she's staying there just because that's what they put her up. Her and her mom got two separate rooms. And she's a fucking nut. She's a fucking, the real deal, holy field. It's 1985. I'm 22 years old, maybe.

21. I'm the real deal, holy field. I'm just looking for a gun or an envelope to end up in jail. And I ended up going over there one day. And they're all there. The Knicks are there. Cool and the gang is there. Cool and the gang.

Oh my God, because they're all from New Jersey. So it's a, it's a priority. It's a predominantly black bar. That was connected to the hotel? It was no, it was in the hotel. Like this is a hotel bar. And all of a sudden this was the fucking spot. From five to nine every night, nobody knew.

This is where everybody who everybody went to the city looking for these guys were here. Right. The Lynnhurst Sheridan. Nobody knew about the Lynnhurst fucking Sheridan. I get a call. I get down there. Lynnhurst Sheridan is rocking and fucking rolling.

Sheridan. I see the center from the Knicks, not Patrick Ewing. The other guy, I see Cool and the gang. I see the guy who ended up tackling Cunningham. That was number 55 on the, on the, remember the Giants had two linebackers. They not only had Lawrence Taylor, but they have the other motherfucker.

I saw him in there. I'm like, oh shit. And the whole night I'm watching him. And that's nine o'clock comes and they take away the food. They play like black music and they're dancing. And then you can see some of them, their jaws are going. And the word on the street is that Lawrence Taylor shows up there. So I said, fuck it.

That's my hero. Yeah. And at this time, if I meet my hero, I'm going to have a fucking G-bow. I don't give a fuck what point, what part of my sobriety. Yeah. I'm going off the deep end for LT. Totally.

I fucking shoot up. I come back Friday with an A-ball. I go to the fucking bar. I'm sitting there. I have not done it yet. I'm drinking at that time. And those days I used to drink rusty nails. Oh yeah.

That's how deep I was at that time. The cocaine world. But I would open up with a disgusting, disgusting Southern Comfort Norris shoes. Oh, I was, you know what, back in that time, neck of the room for me was always seven and sevens and white Russians. What about white Russians?

White Russians after, it's too much sugar. Yeah. The next morning you wake up and it's a sledgehammer. No, I'm saying just to kickstart the party. Oh, no, no, no, no. Three or four of those before your shift. I love those. I love those.

I'm playing. I can't drink them all night. I couldn't drink them all night. And with a little dot of Irish cream. Yeah, but I couldn't drink them all night. Little dot of Irish cream or amaretto, to put, not amaretto, the other one. They're almond.

Amaro. No, the creamy one. Yeah, almond milk. No. You can do that with that. Yeah, I'm gonna put almond milk in your cocktail and attack the fucking soldier what I beat. I put almond milk in your fucking cocktail.

What are you talking about? But you had to, but that's the cream you would use for it though. Just that. Yeah, just a touch of it. So now I get the, I called, my name was Tasia. I called Tasia when I'm coming down. That's when these house burned down. Yeah, they called her and I go, I got a package.

She goes, bring a cam. Let's have a great time. I go there. I don't do nothing. I don't even, I tell her I have a package, but it's coming. I'm like, it's 10 minutes away. And she keeps calling the bar to give it the phone to Joey because she knew everybody at this time.

She was there for like two weeks and by this time she was running the joint. She was coming down, tired, there was a tap. She'd come down and see you sitting there pulling on his tap. Hey, he don't give me a hug. She was the real deal. So now it's about 9.30.

And who do I see walking? L.T. Yeah. With football shorts, but cut. Really? No elastic, a London jacket down to his ankles. White socks, sneakers, and like a football practice jersey, like the ones with the holes in them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, exactly, exactly. Sure. And he walks in with a leather jacket and he orders a good cocktail. He's winning essentially practice a gear and a leather coat. And it's June. Now by that time.

Oh yeah, great, of course. Now by that time, and you ask your brother, Ari Shafia, by this time, not only were the giants, the jets, the Knicks hanging out there, but the generals hanging out there too. And I met a guy that I used to talk to every time I was in and his name was Herschel Walker. He was the nicest guy in the world. Everybody says that.

And one night, five years ago, me and Ari at the UFC, and I look up and there's Herschel Walker and I go, ask Ari, Ari, watch what happens when he sees me. And as soon as he saw me, it was like, oh, shit. We couldn't talk away. We had been, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, it was bad. Because we both had to.

I mean, I saw him in there. Did he do blow? No, he was, he's the nicest guy in the world. He was making this dick suck. There was white broad, you know, in those days, you could take a white broad in the conga, you'll thumb in, you'll suck. And nobody said nothing.

In those days. Oh my God. Nowadays, it's rape. It's rape. Yeah. No, it's fucking crazy. So now I see. Isn't that cool when somebody like that,

that you're such a fan of, you know, you meet him, you know him, you get to know him, and when they come by and they're like, hey, Joey, what's up? You're like, holy fuck, it's fucking Herschel, fucking Walker knows me. There are fucking years that we, because I, and then I saw him once and we reconnected.

And I go, this guy's good with faces. The time I saw him, he surprised me. So when I saw him with Ari, I go, he's going to remember me. And sure enough, he goes, hey, oh my God. No shit. Remember Jay, totally remember Jay. It's crazy. But here it is.

This is the fiend I was. You ready, Jason? Just calling you, Jason. Yeah. Sorry about that. I'm cool with it. I'll just call you T-Bone. Don't call me whatever you want.

The story was Lawrence Taylor orders a drink and goes, I got a pee. And he goes to the bathroom and gets who follows him like a little bitch. I'm going to throw a stab at you. Yeah, of course. And I follow him in there and I walk up to him like a dog. I got some shit that killed the mule.

And he goes off on me, T-Bone. Really? What the fuck are you talking about? Get that shit away from me, you punk ass bitch. I fucked your world up. He wouldn't shut the fuck up. Was he fucked up already? No.

Okay. He was straight as an arrow. Okay. He walked in there. His eyes were clear. I looked right at his eyes. Sure. His jaw wasn't going.

See, if I fucked up, if his jaw was going, he would have said, give me a taste of that. Because once your jaw's going, your mind's thinking, I might run out of mind. Let me take half of his. Nobody will know nothing. There's one camera's in the bathroom. Once you're in, you're in.

Once you're in, you're in. Lee, how you doing over there? Look at Lee. You look a little stoned, Lee. I'm doing, I'm actually doing pretty good. Lee's going to Austin with me. Fuck yeah, I'm going to Austin. That's going to be fun.

Are you guys going to do a live pod from there? No. Nothing like that? You're just, he's just coming along? He's coming along. He doesn't, he never goes on the road. I know he's a foodie. Love Austin.

You know, I know in the morning I'll wake up and Lee already begun. I found a place that I can't, I know I can't go because he'll have spies there now that I'm going to imagine it. But all they do is cheeseburgers made with donuts. Like donut for buns. All right, how far from the hotel? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I didn't do that search yet.

All right, we'll see, see this is the shit he wants. Fair food. You want to eat fair food? He's not going to go there. You guys go to Elefini while you're at it. You're going to go there. I don't blame you. Go take a picture and come talk about it on the podcast.

No, I've never had a, I've never had a donut burger, but that's what Yelp shows you. Oh, and actually for all your Yelp hate, did you see the news last week that now they're allowed to take money to boost reviews? Yelp is? Yeah, they just, they just want a court case. They say they don't. They say they don't, but they just want the right to.

That ruins their legitimacy. Yeah. Even if it's not already ruined. You know, man, if you go on a website before you do business with somebody, you're three steps behind that anyway. I could call five people right now and go leave. You know a photographer? No, but let me call Paula.

Maybe she knows somebody and right away. So if you say to me, I never understood that. I take your word, your family, I take your word. Why would I Yelp somebody? Why would I? You know, I'm a fat fuck. I hear things about restaurants. I try them out.

Do you want me to Yelp into the world and throw the people under the bus? No. Out here, nine other fucking 10 restaurants, I go to eat ass. They're overrated. I don't get it. It's also that other thing too where it's like, who goes to see a movie and writes a letter to the theater that's like, Hey, I just want to let you know everything went good.

I had a good time at the movie. Thanks. The air conditioning was a little off, but my husband's sweat. Once the plane hit the river with Sully, my husband started sweating. What the fuck? He knew what was going to happen. Cocksuckers. Yeah.

But with the people that do contact the movie theater, are the people that are like, Hey, there was a dead rat in my fucking popcorn. And you know, if you're pissed off, you'll take action. If everything's fine, you don't say shit. So you read all these reviews and it's just a bunch of people saying horrible shit. Yeah, that's all. I would never walk into a restaurant because of a Yelp review. I'd rather T-Roll come over and be like, Joey, you ever go to that place?

I've never done it. When you work Zaneys, Joey, around the corner, there's a place then. Yeah. You know what that meatball hero, remember with the fries? They opened up one. I'm going because you told me. Mm-hmm. You're from Chicago.

You know, it's so weird for me. And I try to fuck with Lee and I'm happy he's going there, but I have to take Lee like, Lee's going to Chicago. Have you ever been to Chicago before? No, I've never been to Chicago. You know, the weirdest thing, when I went there last time, and I hate saying this in front of Chicago people, the last time I went there, the best meal I had was oatmeal and coconut milk. Really?

The restaurant had it on the menu. And it was fantastic. Fantastic. We're at. Wherever Zaneys put me up a hotel, three doors down. Oh, because they have the condo right behind the club, but you never stayed there? No, they put me in a hotel and like. You were at the downtown Zaneys?

This time I'm in Rosemount. Shoot the specials in Rosemount. But that place has like those high end restaurants. When I worked down in Zaneys, Lee would like that. Like next time I tape the special. Because that's all walk around. I'm going to take Lee going on Wednesday and just let him walk around. Lee will come back 10 pounds heavier.

He already shipped bratwurst to fucking California. The guy's going to mail from tomorrow. Austin's great though. Austin's great. Austin's great too. Chicago's great food though. Chicago's great. And the problem with Chicago and places like that for guys like you,

the native is that you know the spots. You know, it's like if I go then go slow listen on planes, cranes and car crashes, the chef goes to this place and you're like, listen Joey, ever since he went in there at 1599, I got a place where it's a black guy that picks his nose. That's how good it still is. Sure. And they're 699 with sauerkraut and you follow me.

You know the place. You know more where not to go. Like you know exactly where not to go. You go there on a Saturday at six o'clock, you know, you go to like Rush Street to go have cocktails on a Saturday night. It'd be like, no, nobody there goes there. That's like, oh, let's go walk on Hollywood Boulevard on Friday night. You know, that's all tourists.

You know, it's all people that want to, you know, nobody hangs out at Hollywood Boulevard that lives in Hollywood. You know, we avoid that place. We got a little cracks in the wall. You know, the little dives. Keep those places in business. You know what I mean? This giant corporate fucking fake places.

I like, I loved the mom and pop. I'll take a dive bar over with a jukebox and 12 seats and that's it. And the same bartender that seems like they live there. Like you could go there at six in the morning and go there two in the morning. They're still there. You know, I'll take that over the fucking saddle ranch and all these big ass fucking.

That was the transition party that got me. It was what? That was the transition and party where I fell apart. When I was young, I went to a couple of those clubs. It was fun, but I knew it wasn't my world. You know, the big dance clubs, the one where you drink for free till six. That was cool. The couple of times, the three or four times I went for the rooftop.

It was, you know, I went with 10 of my friends. You get lost for two minutes and you meet them again. You talk, but I knew it wasn't my world. I had grown up in a neighborhood bar. My mom had a neighborhood bar. She fed the neighborhood. They came in, you drank when the food's done. There was always a container on the bar with the sandwiches cut already.

Little ham and cheese sandwiches or the thing with a fly in there. You can open it up with the fly. It was just, that's the feeling I want. Yes. I go to a bar and I got to hear music. I don't want to fucking hear. I'm deaf. You go to Vegas.

Somebody asked you to go to get a drink. The music fucking blast. I can't even hear you. I can't. No, I want to go to a place. I don't want to hear shit. You want to shoot pool but conservatively go over there. Once you start bringing people who look like sons of anarchy,

I don't want to be there. I just want to be there. You know what I'm saying? I want a place where the drinks are cheap. Yeah. I could curse. Nobody gets insulted. Yeah.

Give me a bar where you can still smoke inside. Whenever I moved to Hollywood, there was a place on Santa Monica and Gardner. There's a little fast food joint there on the corner. Okay. Okay. It's fucking you. They got a rear for me. That's lizard meat.

Lizard meat. But across from there. Across. Lee's on lizardmeat.com. I'm going to see where it is. That's the fucking page he likes. Astro burger. Oh, shit.

That's still there. Astro burger. It's still there. That's where Astro burger is. Still there. But 10, 15 years ago, only the man himself, Doug Statham, found the place that the breakfast is good. Plus you could smoke cigarettes in there.

Of course. Where is it? Is it a bar right there? They tore it down. It was like they fronted it. It was like a restaurant with one table up front. They didn't really want those people there. And then you had to know the owner and you go into the back and it was outdoor seating.

Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. I used to smoke cigarettes. Like a wooden fence with blinds on it. Two eggs, sunny side up. I know exactly what you're talking about. Toasted shit, oatmeal. Not bad. It was like a Mexican name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. They were something weird. They were nice people, but I never mingled. When you would go in the restaurant part, it didn't even look like it was open. There'd be like one Mexican guy standing in there. They had my coffee and shit. And then like, is this even open?

And then when you go in the back, there's like 40 people. They had a petition to keep it open and they fucking lost. I know exactly what you're talking about. You know, Daniel Stewart used to live right by that place. Wow. Astro fucking Bergen. A lot of times I went in there two in the morning together. Anything.

Like a mushroom burger or something. And I was living in my car. Yeah. You try living in your car when you parked there at four in the morning, you got to go to the bathroom and you're on E and you got to start the car and go to a park and take a shit. That's when Astro Bergen, you learned to hate that shit because it failed you at a tough time. It failed you at a tough time.

I went there. I gave you my confidence. Now here I am in my Nissan Centra on fucking the Vista parked the other way and I got to take a shit. I already fought it three times. I got the sunroof open. I got the four windows open. How long have you known stand up?

What year did you guys meet? Did you meet in LA? No. I met him out here. 1991. Get out. I'm lying to you. 1992.

I started comedy in June of 91. I won the contest December 18th of 91 and I talked the management at the broker in out of the fucking magician. They had a magician who was a host. He was really old. He was just fucking terrible and people would throw shit at him. Really? And I pointed it out to the management so they gave him movie night and they gave me comedy

night. I thought I'd not to hurt his feelings. I was like, oh listen, we're going to put you on movie night. Do a couple of tricks. Introduce the movies and then don't let the door hit me. His name was like Magical. I was like, yeah, it was fucking horrid. So I started hosting at the broker in on Tuesday nights for the Bex comedy night, 1992 at like

eight minutes of material and every Tuesday a new headline. Can you imagine Joe Diaz with only eight minutes to his name? Oh my god. Oh my god. So you do the same eight minutes every week? No, because the same customers came in every week. I don't really figure that after six months of comedy that the same motherfuckers came in because now when did you get to watch comedy for $15?

You got a steak, a big potato and a fucking salad. That's a good deal. Okay. So people were coming at 7.30, eat and then the comedy show would start about 8.15, 8.20. Cocktails too. They got some open button now. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. And it was known for being a big pickup joint on Wednesday nights. Okay. Wednesday was their mingle night from finally put shrimp bowls on. People would go in there with their fingers and eat shrimp. Oh my god. Oh yeah, yeah, shrimp.

When you went to the broker in those days and sat down to eat dinner, you know, they bring you bread at restaurants. They brought you a shrimp bowl. And you sat there and they had a curtain. So you can give your wife a stabbing in there or sucky sucky or do a little twist. A stabbing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You could tuck some dick into your wife.

Oh yeah, yeah. This is some crazy shit, but that's where I... Is it still there? Still, I don't know if it's still there. You have to look at them one night on a Tuesday night, I went there and there was a kid with long hair, skinny, young and his name was Doug Stanhope and he was featuring and we started talking again. In those days, it was a complete run. So it was bolder on Tuesday.

You had Wednesday off and then you had to go to a fucked up part of Colorado, like fucked up Craig, Colorado. Which is where? This is, I have no idea. And but on the itinerary, when I did comedy there, six years later on the itinerary for that night, it said, this room is active. Do not... What's that when somebody says something to you and you say something back?

Oh, like interact? Do not interact. Get off the stage, go to your hotel room and let management call you. No, really? Why? Because it's like fucked out or is it? When I got there, it was you on the stage, 20 feet of a fucking open room and then there was a glass and they would watch you from the other side of the fucking glass.

Really? Because there had been so many fucking problems at this place with comedians and comedians would lash out at them. And Craig was like, at that time, I don't know the population now. At that time, it was a Thursday night that paid triple a lot of money, like $3,000 a week. They thought they were getting fucking Milton Burl and they were getting Joe Ideas. Uncle Milti. They got all Joe Ideas with his eight minutes of comedy coming in.

So you had Craig on Thursday, you know, like Colorado Springs on Friday and you had something on Saturday, but that Tuesday night, that Wednesday hurts you, bro. Because if you're a feature, triple only gives you 50 bucks. You got 85 for the night and you pick up 50. A hotel in those days is 25. You got a subway sandwich, a six pack of beer and a pack of cigarettes. You're breaking even. And you're breaking fucking even.

A lot of those triples were always breaking even. You're always breaking even. You just cut your chops out. Yeah, because there's a by the way during the week. You're doing that because you want stage time and you want to learn from people. The money that you get will get you to and from and supply some to eat and maybe a place to sleep. And that's it. You don't come back with money, but you come back better at comedy and seasoned.

It's funny how, uh, so I used to look at the comics. I had just gotten a divorce. I had a two bedroom house. I had a living room. I had a couch, I had a TV. And I would look at how cool the features were or the headline, you know, they were dynamite guys. Like I got along with stuff.

I go, what are you saying? And they go, I'm going to think I'm about getting home to alpha 60 bucks. I go, keep the 60. I was, I was a starving comic. I know I wasn't starving yet. I started credit card money. I still had to come though because I was living in it and I would bring them over and basically they packed their minds, let them sleep and have weed.

If they want to do a couple of bumps, I get a couple of bumps through. And we wake up in the morning, they take a shower and they go to Craig, Colorado. And Stan Hope was one of those guys I met. First time he came as a feature. Eight months later, he came back as a headliner. He had just done the big show at the time inside the improv. What was his name again? Not at the improv.

Not at the improv. He had just done that. Now he was a headliner and he was on his way. I can tell when I saw him eight months later, I'm like, this kid's on his way. You saw the difference between feature to headlining. There was something in him and he changed. And then I didn't see him. We lost contact.

I got heavily into comedy, but I kept missing him. Then you, him and HRSA Walker all ran into each other. Yeah, I kept missing him. I kept missing Doug Stanhope. Doug Stanhope had just been here three weeks ago. He ripped up this room at this time. It's 96, 97, no, 94 at this time. I'm feeling, you know, I'm okay.

I've been doing comedy for three years on paper, but solid for 18 months, like a warrior. I got something to work with people. I'm still not bringing down the house, but I get my moments. You know what I'm saying? And it's only going to get better. I'm into it. I write, you know, I do my thing. I'm living in my car and I'm in Seattle.

I go to Seattle and I actually start featuring up there. Like that's the first I featured. My first feature weekend was for Lori Kilmartin. She's around. I know her. I know exactly what she is. And she's still the gigs around every now and then. Yeah.

Yeah. She's at the store and shit. And I stayed there and I did the contest and I semi-finaled. And no, there's a bunch of shit that went, whatever. Then 96 came and Doug, the hottest name in comedy was Doug Stanhope. Like you heard about this from fucking everywhere. Then he won the San Francisco County Counties. I met him right after that.

And bam, that was it. That was it. Was his style the same then? Like, was he doing the same stuff? Craziness. Crazinessly. So here's the story, guys. I'm in Seattle.

I'm doing all right as a feature act. You know, I'm not paying my bills. I'm trying to sell weed. I'm hooking up as a bookmaker. Like I told you, Josh Moff has an office. I got a 1,800 number in front of sports information. I'm taking numbers. I'm working it.

You know, I'm trying to come out. I got an addiction. I got a girlfriend who's a stripper who I like. How she sucks dick. I got to come up with 200 for a dinner once in a while. Yeah. So, boom, I got a feature spot on a Friday. No, I'm lying to you.

This is in Seattle. This is in Seattle. Guess who's coming to town June, like 5th or 6th? Herzl Walker. Doug Stanhope. And I had already made plans on the 6th to go camping with the girl I was dating. Yeah. We had already had a campsite and the truck and the whole fucking thing.

And I'll never forget, I said, you know what? I'm a civilian this Friday night. In those days, either you worked Sunday through Thursday, but unless you were working, you had the weekend off. That's just, that's the level you're at. Yeah. And you only got one week in the month where you worked in those days. You were just striving for feature spots.

And every once in a while, you would call me and go, Joey, I got a headlining gig that featured 50 bucks in the hotel room. Mm-hmm. I drive to Portland. Let's fucking do it. You know, that's how you learn to get into the club. Sure. Featuring is the way into clubs.

Into clubs. People ask me that all the time, like, you know, do your thing and then find somebody who's headlining and get them to feature for you. That's the way in. That's the way they want you to get in. No, that's the way in. Come with somebody that's kind of vouching for you. I'll watch you work for the weekend and I'll decide if I want to, you know, have you come out.

And then they work with you in a way. They do. They start bringing you as a co-headliner. They have you fill the holidays. So Friday night, Doug Stanhope's in town. Like June 5th of 1996. And at that time, I had worked a lot of good acts in Seattle, you know, like headliners. And I'm like, okay, I'm a good fucking company.

Mitch was up there at the time. Yeah. Tom Rhodes would go up there. There was a lot of comics that were out in the up and up. And Doug, I'm going to tell you how it is. That motherfucker got on stage for a late show on Friday night. And 20 years later, I'm going to tell you, I had never seen anything like that.

Really? He tore that half. But at that time, he was really wild. That's when he was doing his bucket of vagina's joke. Yeah. That's when he was doing his, you know, just, just, just the raw shit in the world, you know, with the bikini, the bikini was somewhere in there. She was so fat, it was like flaw, dental flaw.

So whenever he was just throwing fucking heat, I gotta tell you something, I left that at night and I doubted myself as a comedian. That's a new road. Yeah. That was like that Saturday, like that Saturday and Sunday. I was like, maybe I could start being an electrician again, because I could, I'll never be able to do what I just saw this weekend. And I processed it and I go, that's the goal.

That's the guy. That's the guy you, you got to emulate. That's the guy that, that thing that's wrong. It's right. See what I'm saying? That's great. That thing that's wrong, it's what's right there. That's what's going to get them to the top and that's the style you want to have.

That thing that's wrong, that's right. You know what? It's very easy for me to look in the mirror and go, you know what? I'm going to answer 25 year old. Let me go up there, talk about this, this, this and this and take my fucking chances, not have any chops. And then there's the guy that knows where he's coming from.

You know, easy. I don't even know what happened. I'm so fucking high. Look at this fucking Jamaican. And then you're, you're high. You're looking at me hypnotizing me, trying to make me fucking higher. You look this, I know I said it last time I was here and the time before that, I believe I said it, but this time I really mean it.

This is the highest I've ever seen you look. Well, it's only 1200 milligrams. That's it. Did you take an extra two? No, I didn't. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. When?

I took it before you. You looked at me like a mook shot. Let's get him to eat some more. Yeah, he needs two more. He's got to get early. He needs two more, bro. T-boy, you look good. Thanks, buddy.

I feel good. Really good. Your eyes look really fucking good. Oh, really? I almost start to think you're hitting him. How long? How long? Little like right around eight months right now.

You know, went out, had a meltdown one weekend. Just anger, anger, you know. And then actually I talked to you right at right then. Right after that. And then one thing that you got to do is like, and you and I say that all the time. It's like, man, this ain't a perfect thing. And it's like, shit's going to get to you, man.

And when it does, you just got to get right back up. Right. And that's the difference between me and like any time ever when I've been sober. It's like, when I would fuck up, I'd be like, nah, man, see, I already fucked up. Might as well just be out for a fucking till it's really bad again. You know what I mean?

It's like, you got to just like, dude, okay, cool, man. It's another day. It's another day. There's a moment every day where I look around my surroundings. I look at Lee. I look at you. I look at my wife. Delicate, it's delicate.

I look around and I look at the people in my life now. And I look through the people that I had in my life then. And for some reason every day, just to keep me sane, I look at all these things for a split centimeter because that's where we get the addiction from. I think of the darkness for like a split second. You know, you think of running into a building and what your life used to be like.

And that's like a fucking movie. It really is. But you don't even remember being in. It plays in my head like a movie. I went to Hollywood the other day, took a side street. And I got goosebumps. That was the street I used to make the right. And, but there's a little Jewish center for kids.

You just randomly did it and not even. And in those days, there was no kids being shot yet. So there was no security guard. So I would park right in the juice center, just wave at the teachers. And they would wave back at me. But once somebody got shot, somebody got shot around here. At Wilshire Boulevard, somebody, they had security guards.

So I couldn't park there no more. I used to park there and go get blow. And you think of those creepy nights. Being my wife, always have a conversation where I made it to take me at three in the morning to get blow. I lied to her. We got to go over and get a CD for a movie. I have an audition tomorrow.

I have to watch this film. Horrendous. And I could tell it doesn't take a genius to know that she knew why she was there at three in the morning. Parked outside the building. Eventually, you might get away with it a couple of times, but eventually you're going to be like, come on, man. We both know what's going on here.

At least be honest. I thought to myself the times I thought I could never even imagine that my life would be clean. Never mind, be married and have a child. There was never. It all starts with one day. It all starts with one moment. Ever.

You know, for people who think it's, for two fucking years, the last fucking, you know what I would do? Let me tell you the deepest shit because what the fuck? Why do a podcast so we can't get deep? Totally. You know, I would be one of those guys that I would snort half the package and lose it. That was where I was.

I could take a gram of the bag. You're like, you can't find it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Lose it in my mind. Oh, sure. I'm the type of guy that the way I am, what we, is the way I've always been. Listen, I want the best open town.

I want the best open town. So when you meet that Mexican, you call me, and you would call me a professional going, Joey, listen, you go there and come, but I got a guy, you got to see this shit clean, 1980s. eyeballs the whole fucking thing and at those days I was snorting half the package I'd go upstairs whack off and then I'd go out make believe I was riding and I'd do a couple more little fucking bumps you know and then the last

package I would take inside a locked the door in the bathroom and I would actually do in front of the mirror to prove to the mirror this is the last time I was doing coke right and I'd have a 40-minute conversation with the mirror fuck yourself go fuck your mother you fucked up my life you son of a bitch I know and I faked the tears you fucked my life up but and I ripped the coke and I'd throw in the fucking toilet like that's it I'll never do coke again that's a lot would you actually throw coke away or just the no I wouldn't the empty package of course fucking confused yeah no I fucking confused I had a wall

in Boulder I had the rocky apartment downstairs I had this shitty bathroom that you actually slid the door open and it was a metal shower it was 400 a month I didn't give a fuck you know and they had a sink in a nice bathroom the landlord was a cool motherfucker but he had put a piece of sheet rock up and never finished it and there was a little slip back there so the last of my coke I had windows in the apartment so I would never do coke out there so I would always take him to bathroom and do the last little bit and lick it and throw it in that wall oh my god one time after like nine months in my mind I

was convinced I threw one in there with a fucking package I ripped the wall open that's addiction and I gotta be honest you there was so many little packages I was embarrassed but I guess what I did I opened each one of them and licked each one licked them looked in there slaughtered it incredible my god incredible incredible so I think of that shit for two minutes I remember one time looking in the mirror my buddy had a gun and they're coming in to and it was a it wasn't his gun and but the landlords come in elected like all these inspecting things he's like hey man let me put you know it's in the case all that

kind of shit fucking store this at your place till the landlords done doing this whole inspection I don't want to see this fucking gun so I had under the bed wasn't loaded wasn't loaded I don't even think I had bullets for it but I remember being fucking hammered I was coked up I was drinking by myself doing coke by myself the party's long over long over even though it lasted another five before five years but I remember looking in the mirror putting that gun in my mouth and just looking at myself and being like that's how it got this it'll go down like that I can make and because I wanted to see what it looked

like like with me with a gun in my mouth and then I and I started crying be very honest then I started crying cuz I was like I wasn't crying because I was like at that point in my life but I was crying because I was like who's making these fucking decisions I'm not the kind of dude that just like puts a gun in my mouth and is like let me see what it looks like well you know if I'm gonna kill myself because I was so depressed and so who's making those fucking decisions who's what part of my brain goes and that guns under your bed man you could put that in your fucking mouth see just see what it looks like you don't

even have bullets don't even have bullets who what mechanism in my brain is in charge of that shit and it's always been my addiction man it's always been it's always it's always you know and as long as that I was talking to this kid I met this kid at a meeting today and he was a fan of comedy you know and he's a fan of podcasts he's like man I saw you this meeting a really so real moment for me because actually here you talk on different podcasts and and all that sort of shit and he's like you know I'm an aspiring young comedian too and blah blah and but I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or not I don't know if I'm an

addict or not and you know I'm just kind of trying to figure that out I got what he's like well why did you as far as comedy what was one of the reasons that you quit I mean I cuz I really quit cuz I was going to die or just have a horrible life and I was like because I can't compete at the level of comedians I hang out with with booze and drugs in my life you know you think you know you rogan you know all these different Ari all these different kind when I was doing open mics yeah man I could drink and do blow and fucking bang with them you know when you're feature in yeah you can but when you start getting to a

level where everybody's got a goddamn you know fourth-degree black belt in comedy if I'm fucking slipping up and getting I can't compete you know I'm just a dude it's they drives home and it's like man I better go back to plumbing I better rethink this game cuz you know it's like it's all about giving yourself a motherfucking chance for me for me no I listen I feel the same fucking way I remember going you know what I done movies I done TV sure I can't get fucking arrested this has to end and I'm a being on a plane and rogan throwing one of his fucking remarks out and going you know man when one thing is broken in your

life and affects everything and that's saying stay with me for about a year hmm it ain't at me every time I did a line of coke it really did the worst the worst is knowing better having like knowledge in your head and then fucking booze in your gut and you're like why I think about it I some nights when I'm bored I'm like could you imagine me right now going to a bar in Hollywood get the gram and watching myself in the whole time and do a couple bumps how much you would hate yourself no no no I couldn't even imagine I couldn't even imagine I don't even want in my fucking hand I can't even have I'm to the level in my

life that I was around drunk people since I was fucking for my mom had a bar I'm done I'm done I just want to smoke a number and relax and go back to my room and maybe there's some fucking Milky Way or something or fucking bottled water you just sit and you watch an episode Lord water you go to bed that's the excitement I want it's so fucking weird are you everything changes you know and you kind of talking earlier about like a bar like the bars you liked a few weeks ago my girlfriend was away in Europe I was bored one night I tried to I tried to go to two bars one bar I went to was up the street from where

I used to live and Irish barn they were singing karaoke so that was out I'm out I don't want that and then there was a sports bar down the street from my house so I went I went there and at like 11 p.m. on either a Friday or Saturday there was literally three people in the bar so I had I literally I I had a Diet Coke and I left but those are the bars or the parties going on turn that motherfucker loose you sit there you have a couple those are the nights where I had the best time going maybe having three-quarters of a gram in my pocket going into a bar like that you order a beer they asked you for 250 you like

yep oh fuck we will be seven beers later I know yeah yeah I know how all my god those are the spots yeah they got for Sinatra on the jukebox the bartenders got cheese and crackers in the back the shuffleboard they got she had this this and you know what this I know there's bars like that across the country like like I said you know what if my extent of ball like you know what I miss having a good lunch at a bar like just a bar that's dirty that you know there's rats in there but the lunch is sensational yeah and they have the TV on they have sports center on you catch up for an hour they have a 12 o'clock serving fries and

a BLT kind of thing something like that but a little more healthy like nothing fried like maybe a salad or like a nice meal you know a salad with vinegar oil maybe like you described an incredible meat like everything you're gonna eat to him in Austin yeah that's gonna be awesome please Lee's got his old menu he's got his whole fucking thing let me give some shout outs sure buddy we got my man big Billy 91 my parish Mickey Joey Zaza tweets Roy Loco Nuka Danielito Trevisio Randy Perez Crystal Johnson thank you for going for Black Sabbath and give me the review and Morgan MMA there you go you

got any fucking tour dates I would when does this go up I mean I know it's live on YouTube right now okay so this week and Friday I'm at the ice house Sunday I'm at the Melrose improv and end of September I am in La Jolla at the comedy store down in San Diego with Theo Vaughn all weekend and then November 4th I'm at the Tiger Room in Fort Wayne Indiana recording my new album Return to the Red State and that's two taping so if you want to go to that hit me up and otherwise look for that by the first week of Christmas and as always punch young punchrunksports.com you can listen to me on Sam fight every Tuesday from

noon to two you're really putting it together the pieces in your life man try brother dude every little day that you don't fucking go backwards you at least are going forwards but the most astonishing thing of what the situation happened is that I was notified by three or four people on Twitter yeah to check on you mm-hmm that you were saying some things or you were saying some things and I remember calling you and you told me back and then you said what had happened and I'll never forget that that I found out from people who really cared about you on Twitter that knew I cared about you yeah and I was like till this day I

always apologized to Twitter for the shit I sent five years ago on the Joe Rogan podcast who the fuck what kind of people you want to be friends with on Twitter we have a great fucking community it's amazing to reach and now they got Brody on watch and those motherfuckers on Twitter got Brody on speed watch Jack dude you know what was cool about that exact same thing all these Twitter fans are also great like Mickey Gaw who just fought CM Punk been a fan of punch drunk been listening starts calling in gets a USC contract now he you know he calls pretty regularly but all of our fans on our show have got to

know this guy and then see him get his first you know this is this guy's dream coming to 24 year old guy fighter you see his dream could the Twitter like every fan of puncher went to some bar or ordered the fights not cuz they wanted to see me oh sick in the end Overeem heavyweight they're like I gotta see fucking Mickey Gaw you know cuz they've been listening to him dude the support he got just from our fans on our show was it was moving to me you know them having my back you know when I'm like fucking you know it's it's all very connected we're all very connected I do a periscope now we say man we're a

family where else can family sit down for 10 minutes and smoke dope with your fucking uncle Joey listen to a side of an album yeah this couldn't happen this couldn't fucking happen so I love it and I love what's going on with you I think about how lucky I am I swear to God teams every day that I got that cursor on my back mm-hmm me too I have to start it with Martin the fact I've always thought about that Martin the fact put a curse on me for stealing his coke he went to the Cuban gods and he says he wants to smoke coke let him smoke coke let's get more coke he can mm-hmm that's what happened they threw a fucking voodoo curse on me

and I don't know how it got cleansed off me but who gives a fuck you're here now right I think about just how lucky for the love of Christ yeah and it's like you know there's also a huge part of me that's like I've been there done that like what more can I do playboy mansion a bunch of time I mean there's nothing you can what party am I gonna go to where I'm like oh this now it's worth it I did it all I really had a 20 year run where I did some amazing incredible damage some of it was fun some it was quite fun but it's like you know I'm trying to come up you know I mean I'm trying to live up to my potential I'm trying to be the kind

of dude that helps other people who need to get out of the fucking shit that I was in you know I'm from there it's whatever from there it's whatever but being that dude that's stuck in that fucking hole that can't help himself isn't going to cut it anymore for the second half of my life first half yeah that's what happened for the most part second half not so much you know and to be able to to have that wherewithal to be like you know if anybody's struggling hit me up you know so there's so many people from the last time I was on your show I've talked to on Facebook Twitter you know back and forth of like hey man

you know what what did you do you know I'm just as fuck I sound like I'm just as fucked as you were you know a lot of these people are still sober a lot of them at least cognizant of the fact that this is saying something to fuck with man I've lost a lot of friends to drugs and alcohol related you know overdosing suicide car accident hit by drunk driver drunk driver themselves you know I've tried to talk to Lee about this for the last couple weeks and I did something I never fucking do man I finally cut somebody off and told I was once told by a dear friend of mine it was another way of telling me to go

fuck myself he looked me straight in the face and he goes the next time I see better be pulled up in front of my house with a white Cadillac don't call until then and it killed me for a few minutes but then I thought what he was saying to me and he made a lot of sense and I finally had to say that to somebody and it felt great don't call me to you know like fucking you drive it with a white Cadillac because it just got too much this is not gonna end good we you and I we we see the fucking and I've been her friend for you know 15 20 years and what kills me was she had them the people 99% of the time they do

she had it like you can just get out of your own way she was doing comedy she was hanging out drinking sodas no drama because you could tell when she's drinking she doesn't have to tell you you don't have to smell it the behavior the behavior changes and the funny thing is you think you can lie oh you see a sweaty joey Diaz come up with the jar go in and the fucking a cox how come why don't you know well I would talk at a different level but I would never do a line and go on stage the problem with me was that I was telling somebody that I would do so much the night before like I was sweating all the fucking time Lee

you're sweating out yesterday oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I see what you were gonna tell me to sweat yesterday don't know it wasn't no no I'm saying that's when you people would see you think you were jacked up no you sweating out yesterday shit I'm not even gun I'm not even jacked up for like another couple hours Lee when I was 370 and I would go on stage right wouldn't have material I thought I was cuter than everybody else you know Rogan was feeding me like just go up there and say this you're fucking knock them dead yeah and I would go up there like a wild man and I would start bombing at the six

minute point and I would have a 20 minute set Lee I could tell you as a man it would pour out of me and he's my witness it would even in the original would you if I were to pour this on my face oh my god cocaine had my body that waxed I couldn't walk from here to the car if I stayed on the heat a little bit I started sweating Lee I'd lose the fucking down the water at no time fuck there's different times in like in the in the comedy community that we you know I'm gonna say grew up because we grew up in different areas of the country but at the comedy store in the Hollywood scene it's that times it's somebody's turn in

the barrel they say you know the man's like you know those times where everybody was so worried about you everyone's like man I don't know man Joey he's looking big he's always on a lot of coke man he's I don't know if his heart can take that kind of lifestyle then do you remember when Ari had his run when he was going through depression they're always very depressed all the time and talking about suicide a little too much too seriously you know that was his kind of turn in the barrel it's like when you go through it it's like you know like you were saying with your friend was like you know she had it but

then you just go right you know you get right back in the barrel and eventually everyone's got to be like I am we're all gonna do what we can to try to help this person but eventually you got to meet halfway I gotta meet you halfway every fucking person can't tell me hey you gotta be quick doing this hey Joe you gotta start taking care of yourself hey you got any guy to take it but I know motherfucker you think I don't know that you know you have to be willing to go like alright yeah yeah yeah you're right I'm sick of this shit you know I can't believe how much of a mess I really was and every day that I look back I see how

much of a mess I mean not socially and physically just emotionally yeah I was going through something and looking back it was the whole thing that went on in bold how angry I was there was screwing me over there was a fact of me and at night I go home and I couldn't deal with it you know at night I didn't want to be me you know I can really relate to that 100% at night you don't want to be you you just the last thing you want to do was go home in those days leave you're my friend right you were out till five every night Paul is waiting for me glad to wait we're hanging out let's talk about the

podcast we have we already talked about the same time I don't want to play fucking Spanish music I don't want to play Spanish music no it's amazing I have them out wasting his fucking time every night so T-Board like did you have anyone Joey called you do you have any urge to lie to them is it no I didn't I didn't drink sure yeah I think you always will I think you always will but I mean you know you know there'd be people who you know you might just for the sake of an argument or it's not their business whatever but it's like you know I knew why he was calling and it's like I'm not gonna if I'm not taking

advantage of having those kind of relationships in my life like to be fortunate to have somebody like Joe it it's like hey listen I heard I heard not doing so good give me a call I want to talk to you it I lose I lose what the universe gave me that connection for if I don't take advantage of it be honest you know me if I'm calling back and be like hey man here's what's up thanks for calling blah blah blah you know right yeah cuz like I can I could see where you're like my first reaction would be to lie of course especially with something like your shit like I would like if I'm ashamed about it yeah yeah shame is a

big motherfucker for that you know like shame shame shame will keep you out anger will keep you out resentment will keep me out any little fucking angle you know it's always looking for something excuse me oh my god that's those stars got me deep and shit they take me don't you got to take two more stars me no they take me in and out like they'd like that like for three minutes I'll be milligrams is one star 200 so if you had it says you know the more you just keep eating those the more fucked you are I've had for I've had 1400 after a point it's the law diminishing returns I

course we have discussed it's on good pot at bad pot we got to eat we can eat three more and the three more we'd be fucking god but you guys really have a red eye tonight yeah yeah what time do you what how many did you eat last night for five there were a couple purples on a few reds I'm like let's estimate maybe six or seven hundred okay we were pretty fucking high for about an hour and a half yeah like we got high for an hour and a half that would kill a meal so you're gonna eat a bunch before the flight oh we're eating already it's all over no I mean I mean on your way there fuck yeah we always eat some because this guy

they're gonna be like oh sir you don't look Chinese in your idea here fucked up Lee and shit and never keep them on the galinos with time of Lee knows this is magical mystery dog there really is we really doesn't understand this that this is it you know I mean I don't do drugs I don't drink it's not like there's gonna be women involved but you know what man people in taxes are fucking crazy you know what they make animals too and they're fucking red next they throw everything in their peanuts right okay the tofu they don't give them more lizard meat barbecue sauce you know and next thing you know you're eating the

cookie with 280 milligrams you eat four of them because they're fucking delicious they put custard in there corn milk those are the ones that are the always the most date when you can't even taste it where you're just like oh that can't be that that can't be that strong cuz I can't taste it so then you have a fucking another one and then it's like a fucking boom when you smoke you smoke a joint you smoke a fucking couple ball and rips whatever you know pretty much like how much you hit it you know like okay whatever some of these edible is a real fucking you pick them it's a mystery of how hard that's gonna hit you

that's the beauty yeah that's the fucking aunt listen when you eat a valium you expect something when you do it in a heroin you expect something the fucking THC you really don't know what to and that was that was my first allure as a kid to drugs at first after my mother died the addiction became the cocaine for the pain but in the beginning I was into doing like it hits acid and I would make myself and my friends go into New York City and adventure yeah and they would look at me and go dog I can't handle it yes you would the same way I do to Lee right let's go come on I got your back yeah we just do acid and walk

around the city stop go over there like kids being 15 and a half 16 because my mom is still alive go over there once you get over there you can get a bottle of vodka anywhere hmm in those days and 80 79 78 somebody was in front of a liquor store your mister can you go and get me about that was always a game give me a dollar 15 give me a dollar 50 extra for myself if you were walking into a liquor store right now and there's some 15 year olds outside and asked you to do that would you buy it for him not anymore yeah I'll throw you in jail for 20 years sure it's not worth it you know I mean if I knew them I knew the parents and

there was a I'm a type of guy that there's a little bend in my game if it's a necessary reason and you presented to me in a gentlemanly fashion okay you know it's like when I called you and you called me back I really respected you more than I ever respected you because one of the things I hate the most Tebow I heard you bombed in Columbus no I didn't I did great Lee called me goes he did great you know I don't know what the fuck you doing Columbus sir I'm not that type of comic sure if somebody asked me a question about Tebow's youth or whatever I can't answer it but one thing that bothers me is one junkie lied

as to another mm-hmm cuz you know if I walked in here right now and I had done a bump at four in the afternoon you wouldn't accuse me but a guy like you He's not acting like him. He's not acting weird. He was French Lee. Yeah you follow me he'll take that hold because it's like you you can fool the normal yes you can fool you could I could fool my sister you can fool different people normal people easily but when you know it and you see it you're like you know why you wearing sunglasses at night you know why you you know I mean your eyes are jet black and you can't fucking sit still it's like come on man you know don't yeah it's crazily and

then you'll see that and then nothing will happen it sits in your mind and then one day you're bumping to red man no are you here by Joe Diaz what dog the end I didn't come home for three days his wife called me the baby he's been fucking somebody's house doing blow again oh no yep and you know you know what it makes sense now yeah I saw him at the podcast that's it he was acting all fucking fidgety and shit yeah that's it you know you'll see shit like you just like course or you can just look back with a lot of people like that too and go like oh yeah now it all makes sense because he didn't show up for this

and then he blew that gig off and then he fucking you know wasn't showing up but now it all makes sense cuz a lot of times like that's a thing if my if I'm pub if it's almost like how you were saying about betting earlier if this guy says 150 grand he won 75 grand it's like that kind of thing if my drinking is enough that I'm you're seeing me in public drunk I didn't just start drinking today yeah you know I mean I see I got too much to risk to be showing around so I'm gonna have a couple sneaky fucking on let me just get a six-pack watch some money night football game drink it by myself no one

fucking know that shit no fucking no you know it's a month later before I got the balls to start showing up hammered in places I respect you a lot I respect what you're doing I love you very much sir you're very positive growing you know what I was in the dark place a lot of people helped me man and a lot of people helped me by not saying sure you follow the time a lot of times a lot of people help you by not saying something it's their body language and the things they do say that you put two and two together so so I would be someone who would be like I would be really like upset like you out upset him with

myself today to know whether to say something or not to say something how would you know whether to say something I mean I think every instance is different with different people I had the weirdest people say things through I would say that that's true for me too I had people outside that I thought would say something to me say things to me one of them was at the end was Rogan but I had a Claude Stewart Claude Stewart once checked dude I've known him for a long that's crazy what did Claude Stewart say just pull me aside and say you don't look at mmm I've been where you are you just had a kid well his wife did and he

goes um I could get you into a rehab in San Diego one call no take care of this for you and I remember like a week later I had like a bad coke binge and I actually called and said get the car ready yeah but I stayed office for a day I got a check from residual and I went down to the Graham and blew him off and he was offering to pay for it at the time wow I just want you to get help you don't look into good hmm amen I'm very fucking fortunate I had good people around me they made me believe and somehow I got out of that fucking mess man I mean look at you now man look at you now fucking scary whole life

if I would have told you ten years ago here's your life no you would have been like get the fuck out of here Momo get out of here mom baby I'm gonna be doing blowing a hotel room in Houston Texas after I just that's why I told you ten years ago your here's your life you wouldn't believe it and then ten years ago if I would have told you that on this date you're dead and you die of an overdose you've been like that's right cocksucker guns blazing that's how I go I thought I would die from an overdose I absolutely I was prepared were you okay you see you're okay with it you really you made peace with it at

that time I just I know the deal the most spaghetti you go throw against the wall the the more it's gonna stick and you don't know when the Lord's company call and it always happens on we in place you end up going to some town you know you're married at home with a wife you go to a town you pick up some fucking check at the comedy club she's doing blow you go back to the room you got a fucking heart attack you gotta explain to people what that's how that goes down room that's how it always goes down the clinker for me the truth the one that opened my eyes was in 99 a comic hung himself at one of the clubs and I knew

him not well he worked the broker and that Wednesday he picked up a gig in Fort Collins so he goes do you want to drive and that was the first time I had ever seen a mirror like on the way up there or he talked about was gambling and drugs but here's the beauty of it this guy was I was whatever it was 94 when I met him I was 31 years old 95 when I met him and he killed himself 99 maybe four years later so whatever I was 32 and I remember he hung himself on New Year's Eve in the hotel room in Houston off the balcony or something like but the shame about this guy was that he was out here for like three years and

he was touted to be a heavy dude he liked they were like this is the dude yeah but his little problem got discovered he went on one of those road trips and just stayed in Oklahoma for a month and that was the end of that nobody wanted to see him again so for the last 10 years he had just been a road dog yeah but he was still like people would look at you look at him on stage and go damn hopefully someday and now he had taken his clean comedy routine TV act and Taylor their fucking bars in the Midwest you couldn't follow him nobody followed nobody right he was killing it you know the day I had him that day in

Fort Collins he had a run to the phone eight times to gamble he asked me to get him an eight ball and then before night was over he called me back and he was getting me another one I just did you do it already no but I just want to be prepared oh that was not they want to be prepared yeah when they want to be prepared I know the deal because I used to want to be prepared yeah that's when you're in the fucking heart of it Lisa yet yes we're very fortunate this week the church of what's happened now is going to introduce a new a new product that's sponsoring us I loved this fucking idea you know I don't know if you guys know

anything about me or whatever when I was doing that coke and shit I became a nomad and I would to come down from coke I would go in the shower in a hotel or my apartment and I would just lay in the fucking tub and I would put the hot shower on and I would whack off to come down off the coke like two or three times and then after a while you're gonna take a pee do you think I'd actually get up and go to the tub fuck no I just pee on my legs like a chicken and then after another hour the cocaine would start to wear into my system and guess what would have to happen I gotta take a little poop so I would actually get up

in the shower and poop and I would turn around and bend over like a like a fucking porno star with the muffler out and as the poop was coming out and have the water hitting it because that's the type of savage I and then you would just shit in the shower like shit in the shower and then I turn around with my hand and I pick up the lid to the toilet and I flick it in like Michael Jordan like an underhoop and I'd wash my hands in the shower what percentage did not make it in like a hundred percent but once my wife caught me it was over she threatened to throw me the fuck out of the house you can't throw shit from room

to room no kidding let me tell you why I did that let me tell you why I did that because I grew up with a bidet really in your house in New Jersey and I remember I remember moving in the first day and running into my mother's room and looking around the room and here's this toilet and here's the shower with a tub and here's this beautiful sink but wait a second in between the toilet and the sink there's another toilet I'm like what the hell is this they look like a toilet but it didn't have a hole it had a thing in the middle so what did I do I stuck my head over the thing and I'm like hmm that's where water comes out so

all of a sudden I turn the water out like this very gently and all of a sudden I turn the hot water around very gently but the hot water slips and the water shoots at you and it's all over your face and all over the fucking ceiling and like brahman what the fuck is this and she told me it's a bidet but I like the La Chocha so I never knew what the hell she was talking about I always thought it was used there was a woman product sure I saw my stepdad sitting there one day and I'm like oh shit when they leave tonight I'm like oh my mom was going I'm going to the room I'm gonna leave so as they go in the room I'd be holding a

little poop in there and I'd poop and I'd sit in that thing like a doctor at the age of eight and I'd just be fucking sitting there letting my muffler get washed with hot water I washed my muffler in that hot water like I would take regular poops in my bathroom but that one good poop of the day I would always jump in there because I wanted the muffler to be clean and I'd have the right formula of hot and cold water in those days you just took a bar of soap and you put the indentation where your fingers went so you never touch the other side and after I'd cleaned all the peanuts out in the fecal matter I

would put the fucking bar of soap in there like oom gahney molly and I let that hot water kill everything the germs and everything and that was the end of that but when my mother died that all ended so for 30 years I lived with a savage like a savage who the fuck has a bidet who's got that type of class near the French that's James Bond type of shit but all a sudden a buddy of mine said to me listen man take a look at this fucking thing this is tremendous and I love the name hello tushy.com slash church okay let me tell you people something that aren't aware of it you're sitting there confused bidet is a back

let me tell you what a bidet is a bidet is something that sprays your butt clean with fresh water okay I grew up with a bidet in my house and I gotta tell you as a fan I'm tremendous now thanks to tushy sleep bidets that clip on your existing toilet and they spray your muffler completely clean if you don't know what muffler is it's butt completely clean with fresh water to get your muffler clean so you're not sitting on bacteria causing hemorrhoids yeast infection and rotten ass which will really kill you nothing else kills you like rotten ass because it goes to your genes next thing you know people smell

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weird you go no no no no no no no listen this is because I'm gonna go down there like a savage I'm gonna take you running around the world fucking tour and they understand what you're saying the bidet I love it anyway go to hello tushy.com right now slash church and press in church for 10% off that's how I'm doing it right now today for you that's the type of savage I am all right again that's capital H-E-L-L capital T-U-S-H-Y dot com slash church go to the web page look at all the fine options they have to offer you all right I love this product and so the fuck will you and next is my people of people thank God I'm going to

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hooked up on those but supplements I'll get you 10% off right now go to the box and press in church boom CH you are CH and I'm getting you 10% off again do me a favor go to hello tushy dot com right now I'll tell you why the holidays are coming and I'm gonna get you out of there nice and cheap cheap and who doesn't need a bidet who doesn't have a dirty and so everybody nobody loses nobody's gonna go what a surprise I didn't need one and then I'm excited because ever since you get a girlfriend you go through like eight times the toilet paper well guess what they sent you one fuck yeah you got one coming oh yeah Jack yeah

and what you're gonna do is you're gonna take Paul home you're gonna connect there and what she's got her muffler watch you only come up little monkey and guess what she can do it before now and guess what guess what happens after you do that well she's getting the hot water in her muffler you look a monkey what do you think happens stars she's moving in the next day she's gonna go home and stab her mother in the neck that's how good that is you're gonna take her around the world excursion you understand me that's why I like to purchase product it's a tremendous little present for the holidays for holiday

whatever you know everybody I'm telling you and everybody's 69s and you smell something if you smell something that person needs hello tushy dot com right now I'm excited to get it because it looks easy to install and really easy and I'm a dunce putting stuff together like I can't do anything so if I can do it literally anybody could do it so I'll report in my brother I'm happy where you're at in your life thank you buddy you know you always got my help if you need somewhere you got the same goes to you brother I'm happy where you're at I'm happy enough fucking in the realm of beyond the realm of debt you look good

you look healthy thanks man you got family close to you again that's an army's back hopefully soon and Lisa yet yes sir get this podcast up we're going Austin Texas cocksuckin about two hours let's do this we got a private jet coming to pick us up we're going to Tito barrel we're going to Miami to pick up the sound machine we're gonna stop by Houston and pick up fucking El Chapo and then we're going straight to fucking Austin Texas choppers coming choppers coming nice that's how we fucking roll listen I'll be in Austin Thursday Friday Saturday there's a few tickets left capital city and don't forget next

weekend I'm an NYC Friday Saturday two shows Friday two Saturday got them comedy club again few tickets left stay black we'll be back next Monday night ripping this motherfucker one more time for my brother Jason Tebow one more time for my little brother mr. Lisa at this bad motherfucker who I love where's the fucking new Chucks get the brisket ready Austin that's right mother fuckers you coming to eat I'll see you motherfuckers for lunch tomorrow stay black suck it Uncle Joey Jason Tebow my main man Lisa yet the days are back the church or what's happening now it was very proud to introduce you to hello

tushy.com hello tushy.com creates portable devices that clean your butt with a clean stream of water go to hello tushy.com slash church right now to get 10% off of your order that's hello tushy.com slash church to get 10% off of your order and go to onnet.com and use code word church to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like alpha brain, new mood, shumta convenience, shumta export. baby bring me one more chance how do you feel and breathe lighten your heart and hold on and I won't cry

let it go but now I'm saying I can eat you and it's all out you go ooh ooh baby yeah yeah yeah and I'm not trying to live without your love don't love me this way that's the only girl that I don't want to be

ever in a dream I want to be and I know that I can follow you and the girl I can do this all around let it go but now I'm saying won't you please let me pass through your heart and hold on and I won't cry let it go

but now I'm saying I can eat you and it's all oh oh oh baby how do you feel and breathe lighten your heart and hold on and I won't cry let it go but now I'm saying won't you please let me

I'll see you when I grow up oh I want you back