Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #415 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 22, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Joey's relationship with his cats, they're trip to Austin and how Joey feels when he goes home. This podcast is brought to you by:   Club W. Go to www.clubw.com/joey to get $20 off of your first order of wine curated just for you and Club W will pay for the shipping on orders of four bottles or more. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/JOEY for 20% off of your first order and shipping is always free in the US and Canada.  Recorded live on 09/20/2016.


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You haven't heard this in years, have you? I've never heard it. There's another place another time, touching many hearts along the way, yeah, hoping that I'll never have to say it's just an illusion. Jesus Christ. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here. I got a long week in New York City, so we did this podcast to keep you going for the second half of the motherfucking week. We were a little too, too tuned up last night. Tonight's just a mile night, 1,300

milligrams, 22 bomb hits, you know, just a fucking rough day. I was telling Lee that the other night I'm sitting there in mind of my own business on the couch and at night the cats come out and they fuck around with you. You play with one for two minutes. This guy comes over and I was watching because what I did was I went to season one in Narcos. You just went back to restart it? I had to. It's great. I had no fucking choice. I wanted to see the acting. I wanted to see what I missed. I'm one

of those idiots that gets high at night and I'm on stars and I try to watch an episode. I really didn't watch it. I'm just sitting there fucking drooling on my shirt. And then I go back and I saw a bunch of things. I saw how Tata grew and all that. Anyway, I'm sitting there and super bad jumps on me. And let's say he's on my legs. If he's on my legs and I'm watching TV, he'll get right here on my left hand side and he'll reach for me for my shirt. And once he reaches for me, I have to declaw the shirt and then hug him and play with him. And that's how it goes until he gets sick and tired of fucking being there. He's cool as fuck. You see how he was with your wife that day?

Oh yeah. He's cool as fuck, but you can't get rid of him. He's like fucking to her. But you'll never get rid of that motherfucker if you give him love, which I don't mind. But you know, he starts on you and then he climbs. If you have a nice shirt, I can't have him sit on you because you'll have a thousand holes. I look at my shirts and the nice fucking shirt and I got holes in them because that's he's a nightmare. When he jumps on you, he always and he doesn't mean it. He loves you. He really fucking is a loving cat. I think it doesn't Harry do that, but he does it with like your legs.

With your legs. Yeah. Harry always fucking jumps and holds onto your legs and then pulls himself up like a fucking like a model Olympus. You know, and the next thing you know, I got three little Bruce Lee scars on my fucking leg. And I don't mind. Listen, that's a cost of having fucking cats. So the other night, he's like, you know, he starts on your left side, then you move him and then he fucking climbs on the couch and then he eagerly creeps up on your shoulder and he puts his nose on your neck, which again, I can't get mad at him. He's just a, he's like a dog. Super bad as a fucking dog. You know, super bad went from one extreme to the other as an animal. Super bad went from no contact and running

outside when the girls were sitting there were young kittens. You can't get rid of him. It was just, he's like the kid from in the night. You know, he went in there and nice kid came out with a tattoo. He's snorting heroin. That's a super bad. And not in a bad way. He went from being completely anti-social, just being super bad, just being fucking super bad. Like that's why I gave him that name. Cause I wasn't too thrilled with him when he lived outside. What would he do? Like, why are we running? They were fucking kittens, but he was buck wild. They had a corner. Their mom was on one side of the fence and they were tiny babies on the other and they went, you know, they

would go out and spread out. First they would stay three feet from the mom, then they would go out six feet from the mom, then nine feet from the mom. And as they got older and you, I'd leave at six in the morning and they'd be sleeping with the mom still. Like cuddled up. It was cold out in LA, you know, it was that time of the year and they'd be cuddled up with the mom. They had that little corner. I worried about them. That was new. Only real litter back there that I got to see from A to Z. For a while there was just cats popping up and dying. This was like after a long stretch and no kittens. This was her last litter. And then she had those four cats after she had had like fucking six littered back there.

The females that were growing up, they were having kittens back there and the whole building was giving away fucking kittens and people coming and getting kittens. And every morning you wake up and there'd be a dead kitten when they were young, he would kill them, the father. Oh yeah, Samurai. Samurai would kill them. So he could fucking get the mom again, give her a stab. So for some reason, I used to go outside a lot in those days. It was 2007 when I was doing Kempo karate with these dudes and they would always do forms. And I was 380 and they said to me, listen, man, forget about, I want you to do this during the week just to stretch out your joints and get your legs thinner. And I was doing these Tai Chi

things, these stretches. So I would go outside and they'd all be there and I'd watch them. And you know, at one point there were six, eight weeks. I don't know. I'm not a fucking doctor. I'm not a veterinarian. But I could see that the restroom would stay black by the we had a barbecue back there. Okay. It was a community barbecue was real clean and shit. It was 20 feet from when they were born, where they were living. And that's as far as they would stray. Not super bad. He'd go on the fucking roof. He get on the roof of the building. He get on the roof of the building. He was always way ahead of the other three fucking kittens. And there was a boy and he was crazy, but not as crazy as fucking super bad. So

I would, it got to the point where I would go upstairs and worry about the three kittens. I go super bad. I ain't gonna be there in the morning because he's still fucking crazy. He's going to fight with a possum. He's going to fight with a raccoon or a skunk. That was raccoons back there. I would hear them back there at night and I'd fucking run down with a fucking stick and a shovel. It was that type of stuff towards the end and something happened one day. I got home and my wife was telling me that the cats were sick outside, that they weren't the same as they were. She was especially that fucking super bed. I know for a fact something's wrong with them because that motherfucker hasn't moved in two days. So

she hunted those cats down and tried to save their lives and give vitamins and stuff. You know, it was just surreal. How many cats she had saved back there? It was her and the Coretta and the Japanese lady that were back there every day feeding them the cats with milk from a bottle and it was just surreal. It was like, and then it died down and we had those last four and then we brought up the two boys and the one boy died and I kept super bad. And then we gave the sisters away. Sisters were gone for three weeks. Lulu and Evie were gone and the girl called because I can't take them. They're going to kill my cat. They were kittens, but that blood was in them. The cat was giving them shit. These two girls

were going really, and they started circling the cat and she had to put them in the bathroom. Evie's not co-shit. Evie moves as fast as a fucking snake and she'll take a chunk out of your arm. You got to really watch Evie. That's why Evie don't come out. Evie knows that she's badass. So she doesn't. I saw Demi fucking around with Superman one day and she ran out of that hole and smacked Demi in that four times. Demi didn't know what had happened. He just ran away and she went right back through a hole like nothing fucking happened. Oh my god. The two girls, Lulu and Evie, Lulu's a little old and fat now, so she can't move like she used to, but those two girls could grow fucking beaten on Evie till this day. I don't put my face by Evie.

Really? Yeah, I don't put my face by Evie. The only way I'll put my face by Evie is if she's looking that way and I'm petting her from behind, I kiss her in the head. If you get Evie riled up, don't move your hand real quick. That hand is history. She'll clock it twice and then bite the fingertip. So you have to get her excited and for her to turn and while she's turning, you go back and she'll turn real quick. That's what twice I did. Jesus Christ. That's such like a crazy thing to have to know. You have to know this with Evie. Evie doesn't, you've never seen that really. You've seen them maybe once or twice. I don't play with Lulu or Evie. No, they don't want to be played with, they don't want to be fucked with, they don't want to be loved. Lulu, I got it. Lulu's my girl.

Lulu, I love, she's my princess. Really? Oh, I was playing with her when I started bleeding from my nose this afternoon. Lulu, you got to warm her up and then she'll play with you. She's the cuteest cat I've ever seen at that age. Her face is just, it's, I've never seen a face like that in a cat when you get her happy and she's meow. Really? She's really cute. And you play with her, you get like a string and you play with her. Like you can play with her for a long time. She's that type of cat, but Evie, you got to be cute. Evie will leave on her own because she knows I'm getting pissed off for it. Like she'll say to herself, like I'm getting pissed off and this motherfucker. So you're not going to leave? Like if Demi's there and I'm giving Demi love, when she comes up,

I got to drop Demi. Really? She doesn't want no games. She doesn't bother you a lot. She doesn't come out every night, but when she comes out, scram. And when I put him down as he's leaving, she'll swat at him and shit and he'll look at her like, what the fuck? Just for being there? Just for being there, just for fucking principle. Jesus Christ. She'll come over and she'll let me pet her head and rub a thing and call her beautiful. And then I pick her up a little bit and on her own, she'll just take off. And that's it. I think this is why cats like get a bad name, because this is like why I don't have a cat. Like besides the allergies, this is my only experience with cats, either they hate or they were mean. So like your cats are like the first cats that are

like actually enjoyable to be around. No, they're very enjoyable to be around because that's the love I've given them. You follow me, you get what you give in with anything, with anything. And I don't know. At the point when I met Terry, that cat was what I needed. It's the dumbest fucking thing to talk about, but it really is. It was like I needed something to take care of. He filled that void. I don't know. I don't know. Cause we hit it off right away and it got to the point where it slowed me down a little bit. I would come home more in the afternoons instead of staying out to dinner, just to play with them, just to brush them and check his teeth and the whole fucking thing. I liked them, but I would still do the same with a dog. When I had Hercules, I gave that dog

all the love in the world I had. I moved to Colorado in 85 and one day I'm sitting in my fucking house and the door knocks and it's George Burkle, kid I grew up with. And we had for all lived together for a while and he had this dog, Sarge. He was an Austrian shepherd. Sarge was fucking the goods. Sarge was the goods. He was just one of those dogs that you lived in Colorado with. So George said, I'm moving to take this job, take Sarge. Can you take them from me? I said, absolutely. So from maybe October of 85 to maybe January. No, it was a little long. I had him up about a year and a half. So it was a little of the time. I'm off on the time. He gave him to me when I came back from San Francisco. So it was October of 96 and I took him to Aspen with me.

So the whole time I stayed in Aspen, I had him. And one day there was a knock on my door. It's George Burkle. Never called and he goes, I need the dog back. And I didn't know what to do. I really didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I had to argue with him. I was like, keep the dog. My girlfriend at the time was heartbroken. And I was kind of heartbroken because I had this nice apartment and I was living with her. You know, we had a backyard. I enjoyed my time with fucking Sarge. So I gave George back Sarge. I went to the week. This guy, George, this Greek gave me this dog. Hercules? Hercules. He was a German shepherd. He goes, he's yours. He was probably eight weeks old, nine weeks old, just a little ball of fat. So when he gave him to me, it was the off season.

My wife went back, the girlfriend I was dating at the time, went back to Boulder to be with a family for like three or four weeks. So I had that dog for four weeks with no work. There's no work. Oh, and there's not snowing? Yeah. This was the end of the season. Everybody goes back to where they're from. People go back home and see their family now. The stores are open. Very limited. Very limited. And you didn't want to go back to Jersey? No, I had no life in Jersey at that time. The last place I wanted to go was Jersey. I had nothing in Jersey. So I stayed with this fucking puppy. I used to make vanilla milkshakes. I used to play

Pink Floyd with him one day. And then when it was snow, he would shovel snow with me. I mean, it was just like this four or five week bonding. Then my girlfriend came back and we took the dog. We had the dog. The dog was ours from like fucking whatever, 87 to I lost him in a divorce in 94. Fuck. Paula really likes dogs. She really like, and I like, I love dogs, but that's honestly one thing I'm worried about is I don't, I take it really seriously. Like, I don't, we've talked about it before about the Peepads here and people who just leave their dogs and crates all day. I don't think I could do that. No, no, no. You know, at this age that you have right now, you're a couple of years away from making a move and getting a bigger place. And

at that place, you attack your career and your life will be a lot clearer. You know, the podcast market is growing. Companies are popping up, but companies are approaching us. You see how many approaches we're getting now, people taking, finally people are taking podcasts seriously. Right. Yeah. So you never know where you might end up. Once you end up somewhere and you got a crib and you got a yard and a fucking thing, but you know what, what's your future here now? Like living where you live and what to do. You're going to walk into that fucking park every day in my house and two, two fucking miles and two miles back. Oh, you're going to shit in front of your house on Laurel Canyon. What are you going to do? Yeah. There's no future. There's no future.

I have a neighbor who does that and it makes me sad for the dogs. Yeah. There's no future. There's no future. And you know what? I, like tomorrow if somebody says, Joey, I'm going to shoot myself, take my dog. I'm going to fucking spot, but I'll take the dog. You know, even if, if I live on fucking Laurel Canyon, like I know backyard, nothing to do, especially if he's a big dog. I don't want a little dog. If I got a dog, it's a German shepherd again. Plain and simple. Yeah. From start, from day one, pick them up when he's eight, get them sent over from Nazi Germany, fucking give them to mercy and watch them grow and just watch them grow. My mom used to get them to females and not neuter them. So they would bleed once a month and fucking they were meaner than fuck.

You can't control them, but they bond with women. It's crazy. It's crazy how intelligent of a dog they are. It really is how little nuances they know. They know a lot of little things and they all have a quirk. So some of them bite you on the way in, some of them bite you on the way out. Some of them, you know, they all have their little quirk. You know, you weren't with me yesterday. I took mercy to the park and there was a German shepherd that was old and his hips were starting to go. That's their knock, that their hips are weak. But by now, technology's how to change to help those fucking dogs, hips, something, a shot, they can give them a bird or something like that. So who knows? Or for breeding. And this sounds weird, but I had a dog from, I think

it was like seventh grade and I think he passed away a few years ago. Yeah, like two or three years ago. And it's sad because they become a part of your family and stuff. Right. And I don't know. And part of me is like, I don't know. Like my mom, I've brought it up. She is Adam and she doesn't want another dog. And part of me is like, I know maybe eventually I'll get one, but like it's still a little bit weird. Like, and then, and this is a morbid way to think. But then when you're getting it, like, okay, this is like 10 or 15 happy years. And then like it seems like it's, it is setting yourself up for sadness. But well, no, no, no, you can't think like that. No, no, no, no, no, you can't. Listen, when you fucking get your wife 38%, you

might end up fucking sad. You know, when you leave the house, you might get my meteor. That's a horrible fucking way to live. Fuck it. Who cares? He might last five years or 10 years. And we move on. We all fucking move on. There's something that, you know, for the last month, you said to me, you seem a little stressed out. I was moving. I was a little upset about the live nation gigs canceled them. But the, the lining of that was that Carmine died. I called Frankie last week. And I go, Frank, I'm coming home. I don't know why I would never bother you. I know you're busy with the elevator company. And he goes, what's up? I go, I'm having a hard time with Carmine's death. Can you come over and let's do, do breakfast. And for some reason, I broke down right there.

I didn't complain to him. I just cried by my own. I hung up and I cried more and I felt a lot better now that I came up with, with that. We all move on from that stuff, you know, no matter how horrific it is for some people, it takes longer than others. But listen, Fidel died and I, and my wife and I were, had a conversation, the cat Fidel, that fucking Allie really misses Fidel. She goes, my wife is like, I know for a fact she changed as soon as Fidel got, she got really sad because when we brought Allie in, she was a fucking kitten and she took the Fidel. Like, sometimes a big cat takes to a little cat. No, she followed Fidel everywhere. In fact, we took him to the vet one time and the vet was like, what's going on, Allie? Like, he was like

a foreigner trying to be cute. And my wife goes, she's got to crush on Fidel. And he goes, no, no, no, no, no, Fidel is too big for you. Fidel was a fucking animal at the time. You know, he was 20 fucking pounds. She's like a nine month kitten, but she would follow Fidel everywhere. So she, when Fidel died, she's, you know, debt is weird and debt with animals is weird. I mean, some people, my friend called, he can't eat what maybe four weeks ago and he told me, I, he goes, dog, my cat died. I haven't been the same for two months. He was used to watch football with me for the last fucking 15 years, you know? It's like a kid, but I'd rather have loved and not loved at all. Is that the thing? I love my animals. I fucking love them. I love my cats.

I love coming home at night, the feeling of coming home and bombing or some fucking asshole says something at the store and you just get in your car and you drive up Laurel Canyon, pissed off and you fucking make it right and stop at 7-Eleven and get some nicotine gum. When I walk in, there's always one of those motherfuckers awake waiting for me. He hears me parking the car. They come up to you like, you know, what's going on? What do you got in mind? And you're like, let me slow down a couple of minutes. I come out here and play with you in five minutes. And that's what I do. I go in, I take my jacket off and make some notes, whatever. I smoke a little bit and I go right back in the living room and there they are.

And I put the TV on and I hug them and I kiss them and then they disappear. Sometimes they hang on nights. Sometimes they hang for fucking 10 minutes, but it's fucking something that you cannot describe, whether it's a cat, a parrot or a snake. However you look at your pet, you know, it makes, I make fun of it because sometimes I don't understand it, but I do understand the service pet industry. I just don't understand bringing them on a plane and fucking up my world, but I do understand the comfort that an animal gives a human being and vice versa. I really understand that I've seen it. I believe in it. I know there's times with me when I'm going to a rough day and without even knowing, they jump on me and I'm on the phone

and somebody wants me to email them. And as I go to get up, I'm about to push the cat up and go, look at this motherfucker. This motherfucker knows what I'm going through today. Haven't they like stopped you from passing out before? They stopped me from passing out. They stopped me from cursing out of motherfucker. You know, they really do. They are calming and there's tests. There's some research and I didn't, I don't want people to think there's research that states if you own a pet, you live a couple of years longer. I can see it. I don't know what the three years for dogs or seven years for dogs and three years longer for cats. People with pets drop their locks.

And I get it. I get that little connection. I get that the feeling of buying your cat a $200 fucking hanging post and going, you know, you deserve this. When I come in, you know, whatever, sometimes you cook and they come over and fuck with your world. And you're like, you're not getting none of this, but they're like, you know what, we're not leaving until we get a piece. So you better fucking get your head together. And once you know that, you're like, okay, let me just give them a fucking piece of cheese. They'll disappear. And they'll stop bothering you. Cool. Whatever the fuck I'm making, whipped cream, you know, ice cream, whatever the fuck there, there's always one of those motherfuckers

that wants a fucking action of what I got. I was going through the old Matt Flavors World videos and we had some where you were giving a Finney ham and he would just, and I even forgot what the first one, the first like Matt Flavors World that we did, you had Finney and you look making a meow like you would talk to him when you make a meal. Like Finney, what are you doing? You go, man, let me run away. Oh my God. He must have got pissed. Let me fucking run out of that room and then he come back three minutes later. It's a, yeah, I had my dog and I like that was the only time I've ever cried in front of Paula, to be honest. And we were in a car, so I don't even know if she saw it, but. You know how many times do people on Saturdays go somewhere and

just ride a horse? They own a horse, you know, a fucking horse that don't run in races? Why would I want a fucking horse? When I was 30, I figured that people like me smoke a fucking dube, put that fucking hard hat on and those little horse boots and they go for a fucking, they know how to ride a horse professionally, not professionally like doing shows or whatever, but they know exactly where to go and they take a fucking three or four hour horse ride. Can you imagine what that feels like on your horse while he's shitting, he stops, he jumps up and does that fucking low range of thing. Horse people take a lot of pride in it because they go and they like clean their hoes and it's a big thing. This is when you look at those guys on paper,

you're like, look at that fucking moron brushing his horse. You should hire somebody, but no, no, no, no, you don't hire nobody for that. You can't hire somebody for that. You lose the fucking patois. If you hire somebody, it's when you brush, you know how much I love brushing my cats. You do it every day, don't you? Yeah, I have two that I brush every day, bye, bye, bye and I have a system so they don't lose their mind because they get over stimulated and they fucking, so there's a way you brush and then you pat them with your hand and then both, you know, to give them love with the hand, to control them. And I give them the brush again with the hand, then both, you know, it's really interesting. I didn't read this.

I fucking learned it by doing, by seeing what it did. I would calm them down and made them feel more or whatever. At ease, yeah. At ease. So these little things you just fucking learned by seeing it. I'm a fucking cat pro just because I watch my wife. You know, I watch them and I watch, you know, and for years growing up, I was a dog pro. I had dogs all along, all along to the minute my mom fucking croaked, I had a fucking dog. I started with champion and I died with fucking Crystal, who I would break into Nina's house from time to time into the yard and go in the dog house with Crystal after my mother died. That was the saddest thing ever. I think about that fucking dog all the time and how bad I felt to the life that dog lived. That dog died like

me. He went from fucking living in a house with an air conditioner, people giving you love to live in a fucking yard with Nina and I couldn't take the dog. There was nothing I could do with the fucking dog. That's terrible. I was living at some of these house. They can't walk up with the dog. So no, I've had my horrible experiences with dogs and cat heartbreaks and I've had it justified. So this is why I have this, because it's a complete different universe. And sometimes you fuck up in that universe, let me get another cat or a dog and make it right this time and give that dog. And I've always given my animals tons of love. That's the, I'm never Michael Vic, my dogs or cat animals. I've always given them tons of fucking love.

That's why those cats act the way they do. Always, always. You know, you feed them personally, you see them, they watch, they appreciate all those things also. It's really fucking interesting, you know. Do you think, do you think you're misunderstood? I don't know. No, because I was thinking like cats have that negative connotation and, and sometimes among people and something like, I've been thinking about you and your special a lot, just because I was, I got to go to Austin, it was great. And I was like, because you have this reputation and then, but then, but then you go and you want, like we opened this other the podcast with a song by a gay black group and then we're talking about how much you love your

cats. And I feel like sometimes some people's first impressions of you might not be that you love that stuff. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, maybe you don't feel that, but no, but that's the beauty of it. They got to look a little deeper. You know, that's the beauty that we all have when we do that fuck up. That's why I did the math flavors worlds. Listen, I could come on here and make a list of the things people want to talk about. I could come on here and I know the music to play for people that don't jump up and down to, that's not what I want to do. That they hear all the time. That's cool. That's not what they want to do. I do it from time to time in the mornings, play that type of music to get people riled up. I could be a fucking yes, man. You know what I like about

cats? The reason people hate cats, they don't come to you when you call them. They have their own world. They live, they live the fucking life by their rules. A cat, a dog, you walk in, you call them over, he jumps on your lap. You know, the whole thing, he licks you in the face. A cat, when I'm ready, when I'm ready, so people can't deal with that disconnection. I can because I'm the same motherfucker. Don't tell me to do something. Let me do it on my own. That's my specialty. You don't have to tell me. I don't want you to fucking tell me. I'll do it on my own. I don't ever want you to say, hey, you got to pay the rent on these. Don't tell me that. I'll do it on my own. And that's what you love about cats? That's what I love about cats, that mental freedom, that attitude,

which is what people don't like or respect. They want to command their animal to come and hug whatever cats are completely on their own fucking realm. Do you think I wasn't really, when I liked dogs, I wasn't really a fan of the cat. I didn't hate the cat. I wouldn't like the cat on fire. So rocket that motherfucker. Thank goodness. But I didn't own a cat. If I went into your house and you had a cat, I avoided that motherfucker. And I remember going to homes and people's cats would jump on and they'd do it super bad and Harry do now and I would be scared to death and they would go, no, no, no, no, that means he likes you. And I would go, what the fuck kind of animal likes you by putting his claws in your fucking leg? Fuck that fucking bat with fucking legs. I hated cats,

but it wasn't that I would shoot him or run him over with a fucking car. You know, since I was a kid, I go out of the way for squirrels. You know, I don't want to fucking hit a squirrel. I still don't think I would pick up on your cats. I love all your cats. I don't think I would go. I'm still a little bit. Harry would let you pick him up. Really? Demi wouldn't. Super battle. Let you fuck him in the ass. You don't give a fuck. You can pet him for an hour and let you fuck him in the ass. Alley won't let you pick him up. None of the girls let you pick him up. I wouldn't even know how to go about it. Just sneak up behind Harry. Harry will drop and you just rub him by the stomach. Harry's the one that'll do it the most. He'll let you the most. Harry and Super

Battle let you the most, but you can't have fear in your hands. Yeah, that's what I have. You cannot have fear in your hands and that's a complete other thing you have to learn over the years. I got bit so much by dogs that I got rid of that fear. I mentally fucking got rid of that fear. Don't get me wrong. When I was coming up here before, the black fucking fighter was outside with that people. That looks like a fucking one of those devil dogs that protects the devil. You ever see those dogs that protect Satan? That's what that dog looked like. That dog gets a hold of my fat little fucking tire. That's over. It's like a Chinese buffet. You wanted to go out in Austin, Texas. He'll leave everything. He'll have fucking oyster balls, my thigh, you know, but

you can't walk in front of him like you're scared. I went right up to the island and said, how you doing, man? The whole time walking over, I'm shitting my pants in just a little area of my body. Not old school. When I was eight nights, shitting my pants when I saw a dog, you know. Yeah, those kind of dogs can get scary. Yeah. So you have to control your fear around those motherfuckers. The same way I got to control my fear before I go on stage. It's once you do it one time, you say to yourself, how the fuck did I do that? And then you go, okay, now I got trained when I was finally like 18. My friend Stinky had that motherfucking cocoa dog, the German Shepherd. And every time you walked in there, the guy was like fucking Liberace. You know, he'd suck your

dick. He'd light your cigarettes. But as soon as you told Coco, you had to go and take a chunk out of your ass. Really? You had to leave? Oh my God. I've never experienced that. You had to get the dog, put him in the bathroom and you had to run out of the fucking house. Or if not, he'd bite you in the pant leg and we'd take the bottom of your elite jean. Jesus Christ. You never really bit your heart. You know, it was just to scare you to not get up. Did you have a dog when you were homeless? Did you have none of that? I was not going to be one of those guys that was going to take a fucking dog down a bad street like that, you know. I didn't know if Hercules, no, no, no, no, no, in the divorce, right? Yeah, no. Hercules lived with me all the way till before I went to New

York City. I left Hercules with Danny and my ex-wife called Danny and said, did Joey call you? He said for me to come over and pick up the dog. I never told my wife that. And she went over and picked up Hercules and then it was Hercules again. Did it bother me? It was all rolled up in one fucking big ball of fucking you, you know. Right, yes, he can't really dissect. I really can't fucking dissect it. But no, I like, I like my pets in the next couple of days when I go home. I miss them. I miss them so much that I could swear I just saw one. Oh, in the hotel room or something? In the hotel room. Late night, like 12, I'm watching TV. I'm relaxing. I'm writing. I got glasses on. I could feel one. Like, I could see one when I walked by.

Like, what the fuck am I thinking? I'm not home. I know you, I know you never would with your cats, but if you had a cat that wasn't like attached to the group, would you bring a cat on the road if they let you? No. Because I don't want them on the plane. I think that's cruelty to animals, what they do under the fucking plane. They don't recover from that fucking brain trauma. Oh, yeah. You know, if I fly two hours with a cat, what I hear and what that cat hears is two different noises. He thinks he's going to fucking die. He hears the bottom of that plane. Is that a plane that's going up? Yeah. Think of being in the engine of that plane and being an animal.

It's three hours of fucking horror. And in the meanwhile, they're listening to other fucking animals, meowing and wolfing and fucking crying and shit. You know, so I hope I can't. For me, I know people do it. And I see dogs on the other side when people are there and the dogs fly out and they hug the fucking owner. And they go, it's great to see you. Don't ever fucking do that to me again. Yeah. Well, they're letting some on plane. Like, I know for like the service animal thing, but they also don't they just let dogs like in the carriers and play now or no, it has to be a service animal. It's going to be a service animal or in a bag. It's got to be like Paula's dog. No, a pug. No, in a blue bag and they can't walk out of that fucking bag. So Paula wants to go to New

York at six and a half hours. What's going to do? That dog wants to piss a shit. Yeah. It's bound to piss a shit. That dog shits next to me. I got a stab ball in the middle of the in the stand me and you too. Oh yeah. Because that dog, that shit's going to stink. That's why they put those planes down because you've never smelled dog shit. Those shit shit on a dog. Shit's on a plane. That's when it gets it's like Big Macs. Big Macs smell great when you walk by. Bring that motherfucker on a plane. Open up that Big Mac. You want a pew? You want a barf? I tried to bring, what is it called? Trail mix on the plane and I had to close it. I felt bad and I opened it. It's mullied ass. So I can't imagine what have you been on a plane that had a dog

shit? Yeah. And they had to take it down. I got on a plane one time with a dog shit as we got on the plane. Mother fucker. Maybe six years ago and they had a plane like we had a 30 minutes out. We had to walk to another plane. But the whole tunnel stuck from the fucking when you come in, you know, you give the lady a ticket, right? You snuck it right there. And they're like, what's that smell? And people are like, oh my God. And then people started walking down and the dog had gone in and right where you turn to get on the plane. You shh do straight fucking there. So the plane smelled that way and that way. Oh no. So they were talking about picking it up and putting it away. But it was dog. It was brutal. It was fucking brutal. And you can't blame the

dog. It doesn't know what's going on. Who are you going to blame? The fucking person who bought that fucking dog on a fucking plane? Yeah, of course. Really? You're gonna have a nervous breakdown today, cocksucker? When you outside, you were talking on the phone, jumping up and down, talking about the Yankees. Now you're gonna have a fucking nervous breakdown. That's what pisses me off. You know, really? You got to bring the fucking thing. Take a valium like everybody else. I'll give you a star at that. You won't know nothing. You won't have any emotion. The only emotion you have is your heart breathing as you pass out. You're gonna wake up in Philadelphia. Where the fuck you're going? You're gonna go, Jesus Christ, Joey. I need those all the time. Well, all these

guys that have that fear, they all take Xanax, you know, and they pass out. Just go to sleep. I have the same fear, but I can't go to sleep no more. I fell asleep on the plane from Austin the other day. Really? Oh yeah, you didn't sleep the night before. I'm happy you went to Austin. Oh, it was so much fun. We got to see Uki Spooky. You got to meet some people, some new fucking people, people knew who you were. Oh yeah, Uki Spooky was like the most excited person I've ever seen. Her mom was there, her son was there. Uki Spooky's solid. Her whole family's great. Her whole family's great. Her whole fucking character, her fucking love. I've been thinking a lot about Texas since we came home. I need to start going to Texas more often, man. I'm definitely going to Houston.

I booked Dallas tonight. I'm gonna go to fucking Dallas and go to Chuck and Jive and eat some fucking gumbo and some jambalaya and shit. Fuck yeah. There used to be a record store there too. And you'd go in there and any record you needed was right there, man. They also had a fucking ice cream place. They got a Japanese steakhouse. It's a fun fucking three days late. In Dallas? We might have to take you to the Kennedy Suite, the suite where he slept the night before you got shot and shit. My dad did radio in Dallas. Out of like, yeah, he was in his 20s. Yeah, he was there. Or way before you. Oh yeah, way before me. He has, he has tacos named after him in a place and they

had like Mots balls. It was like a joke taco, but he was like on the radio. So they had like named a taco. Dallas is a good city also. Dallas is a good, like I said the other day, there's a lot of great fucking cities in Texas. And I went to all of them. I cut my comedy teeth in Texas, man. And they didn't give a fuck. They didn't boo me the intro shit at me. You know, it's, uh, I don't know if this back pain has been stress or the move or, you know, something that's been on my mind that's been bothering me the last couple of weeks, which I've had a couple of things that have been eating away at me lately, but nothing serious. Just, you know, different situations. I have to get into, if the situation goes down, do I really

want it? That type of shit. You know what I'm saying? I'm really happy with Lee just sitting there doing a podcast, but now if they all for you this, do I really want to fucking drive the guy with studios? I'm fucking spoiled now. I don't think I could be told what to do with him. I really can't. I did it for a long time guys. I did those movies and those TV shows. And I got to tell you something. I was never wanting to kiss ass or take pictures or whatever. I talked because you have to be sociable. So I talked to different people and there's people I really like. And there's people I saw right through, but you think you listen to me going, Joey, are you fucking retarded? Exactly. Well, here's the thing.

It's a complete different thing than selling a show and owning your own show and having your own show than doing somebody else's show or somebody else's fucking movie. And you know, man, when you have the freedom of being a standup, you know, like I have the freedom of, I love to shoot a movie or a TV show for three weeks, you know, just to get me to love stand up that much more. And then I do stand up for six months and I'm like, fuck, I got to write new material. Hey, you want to do a movie for the six weeks? Fuck you. It gives me a chance to write new fucking material and not really give a fuck. That's the system I wanted. But with all the fucking union things and the insurance and all the differences, it's like, you know what, man, they're gonna pay

me to be unhappy. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, it sounds like a fucking whiny thing to say, but we've discussed this a thousand times on this podcast of being happy that that's the most important fucking thing that I'm scared to sign on for some Lee. And after four days, I want to shoot myself in the mouth. Well, I think that that's what I'm fucking scared of Lee. It'll be honest with you. Doesn't that happen to everyone when they start a new job? I mean, I think that's and I think what the difference is going to be is when you started 20 years ago, if you call me tomorrow and go, Joey, I want you to work on something for one day, do me the favor as personal. If I read what you wrote for me, like Marin did, and I can have a good time

and get high and go down there. Right. Fuck yeah, I'll go down there two days with my main man, Lisa. But if you're going to write like some Guido mafia stuff for me, I got to be Gino and I'm the boss. I can't read that no more. I can't read the fucking I'm a butcher. I can't read none of that shit no more. That's what I'm trying to say to you. Absolutely. The last three fucking television experiences beside Marin. I had Lee were horrible. Really? Horrible. Horrible. I got to be honest to you and people at home are probably going to enjoy what the fucking experience be horrible. You ever not want to be somewhere that's horrible. Okay. When I first got here, I got booked on like showing NBC that I didn't know what I was doing at all. Guys, you ever walk into something you don't

know what the fuck you're doing? You ever walk into something you really don't know. Like you really don't fucking know like where to start. Like I didn't know action, basketball. I didn't know dick. They made a fuck. They made fun of me. Those guys just made fun of me. I didn't know nothing about action. I didn't know about cut. I didn't know nothing. I went to acting class and I got what was that? We just talked that show on NBC when I was a plumber for four episodes. And I got to tell you something, guys. I didn't know dick about dick. They were telling me to get to my mark. I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. That's the line where you stand for the camera. Like I'm not here to lie to nobody. I know nothing. And those people were

nice. It was Sidney Portier's daughter. Oh, wow. And it was John Aston's son. And it was all sons, stars of sons, sons and daughters of different stars. There was three of them out of the six in the cast. And I got a recurring role as a plumber. Lee, the first two episodes, I knew nothing. They were so nice. They giggled about it. They thought I was just playing like a goof. I wasn't playing a goof. I really didn't know what the fuck was going on. And once I got nailed there, I went back to acting class and I kind of fucking picked it up a little bit. And then you go along the way. And all those experiences were good along the way. I had some shitty ones while I was shooting, but it didn't matter. It was something I wanted to do. It was something I

thought would take me to the next level. The longest shot, I was happy as shit. But the longest shot, I pissed off a lot of people because I took matters into my own hands. I just went straight to Adam for everything. I didn't fuck around with the rest of the mafia. I just went straight to the fucking Godfather. Why am I going to fuck with the messenger? Why am I going to fuck with all these messengers? All these producers wanted me to talk to them. I wouldn't talk to nobody. I wouldn't even talk to the fucking director. I would just go right to Adam. Adam, I want to wear the jock. Adam, I want to take my shirt off. Adam, I want to do this. I would improvise and he would cut me off, which was fine. I'm not going to go up and ask him permission.

Dangerous people don't ask for permission. You do it. You go balls out and watch them go. That was fucking great. You know, when it comes to that realm of acting and stuff like that with people, you never ask permission. I asked permission to wear a jock because obviously, I didn't have one and stuff like that. But if I would have thought of that the night before, I would have showed up with a jock the next day. But I wasn't that good at that time. My mind didn't think that way. I thought about it while I was down. I saw the locker room setting. I didn't see it while I was reading it. You understand me? Right. But you always come prepared and you just do it and let them tell you fucking no.

And that's a scary thing to do, especially when people go to like jobs and stuff. Listen, as a standout, I can't go up there and fuck around. When I got serious about this, it was because I became dangerous on stage. Not that I was going to take out a gun and shoot the audience. Not that I was that funny. But what I mean by dangerous is have no bounds. To be good at this realm of what we do, you have to really have no bounds. You and I have discussed the thing about people doing stand-up and keeping a day job. You and I have discussed as many and either we're fucking a joint or a bong or just us bullshitting about life in general or managing comics. We've discussed how you don't want to use one with a job. Get them work because

he's not really fully committed. I know 10 funny guys right now that have not, the world doesn't know because they kept day jobs. And that was the thing that helped them back? It's such a hindrance. And sometimes you have a family. You have no choice. You need the insurance. You know, who am I to judge you? But Kenison was dangerous. Pry was dangerous. Hicks was dangerous. Carlin was dangerous. So that's what you're worried about? You're worried that you're going to get too much other work and not be as dangerous on stage?

No. What I'm saying is that when you act, you have to be dangerous the same way you're dangerous when you do stand-up. A lot of people don't understand that. When I go to an audition, I have a checkpoint list that I got from Lou DeGiano, a casting director thing I did that my wife bought me. We were starving. And she paid $200 for the course on a Sunday UCLA. And I went there and I saw Brian Cowan there. I'm talking 2000, 2001. 15 years ago, I saw Cowan at an acting workshop. And we were fucking giggling our asses off while we were there. But he gave you a worksheet that I kept. I made copies of it. I'll never lose it. And sometimes I use it for stand-up. I'm using it now for the special.

And he always says, don't apologize. Go in there, but go down to the blaze of glory. You know, that's what you need to do to be good. You need to go down to blaze of glory. When you go up there, you know, let me tell you, listen, you know why it was great to bring Josh Adam Mies? Because I explained to him that I had an anxiety attack on stage. I'm going to show you. But you know how close I was getting from just fucking flabbergasting and dropping on my back, Lee, and then just flopping on the stage. Really?

Fuck yeah. I couldn't breathe. Every time I jumped up and fucking waved my arm and shit, that's like a Roboclass. And I got to sing at the same time. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not Janet Jackson. I'm not trained to do that shit. Jesus. I didn't know that. Yeah. Like I could have fucking flabbergasted. And that's why I would take a break in between lyrics. Oh, who the fuck did you think you're dealing with? Joey Bananas? And it was funny because someone came up to me right when you went on stage and was like, he looked like he was falling asleep before you going on. You had gotten like so relaxed.

And then you went up there and went crazy. I had no idea you were having. Well, before that's what I'm trying to become dangerous. The only way I'm going to become dangerous is taking it all the way to the other end. And then we just sat there. We both had a drink. Right. Yeah. But do I have a drink? Never. Never had a drink that night.

You know, I don't know, but that's one thing I always remember. Whether it's stand up, acting, if you're going to be a good singer, you got to be dangerous. What does that mean? I don't know what the fuck you're going to do. You know what? You might change the lyric on me and really fuck my world up because I'm a hard core fucking fan. Do you follow me? Which that you got to push the envelope a little bit. That's what I'm trying to say. If you want to be in that realm, you know, if you want to be an actor, a comic musician, you got to push the fucking realm a little bit.

Is it is it similar to sales? We had in Texas, we had your friend, and I'm sorry, I'm blanking on his name right now. Jim Handy. Jim Handy. The guy that talked me into doing stand up comedy. And you guys were just talking about taking guys in who wanted to come in and buy like a $2,000 car gang for like a 15 grand brand new car. And hysterical.

And just pushing the envelope. Pushing the envelope. But there was a guy there who taught me. He was dangerous. His name was Marty Sadlow. I talk about him a lot. He was from Buffalo, New York. Today he's still a great, he's a general manager, but I hear he still gets out there and fucking wrestles people and tells people to go fuck themselves and talks Chinese to people. And you know, it was a different world and you could talk a different way.

He was always a gentleman. He had four kids. He had four boys and a beautiful wife. And I learned a lot from him because he would say things, not perverted or anything, but he would say things that I would never think of saying at that time to a customer. And what he was doing was what I do to lead today. He was teaching me what to do, how this is only going to work. And until I took his advice was I started clicking.

Do you know what I'm saying? So like you were like, it's kind of like, it is me. It's okay. I'm too nervous to do it. Okay. He would, for people who don't know, in the car business is a thing called the four square. Okay. You come in, you look for a car for, what's your budget, Lee?

My budget is $10,000. $10,000. Okay. $10,000. I could possibly put you in this one. The cost of this car is 10, 9, 9, 9. Okay. Lee, what do you want for your fucking 2015 VW? What do you want for the car?

20,000. 20,000. 20 fucking thousand. It's a beautiful car, Lee, by the way. What's the mileage on it? I think like 10,000. 10,000. Beautiful.

Ooh. And it's a 2,000 wetly. I think it's a 16. 16. Okay. How much money do you want to put down, Lee? I don't want to put anything down. Well, you're going to have to put something down to finance this vehicle.

I don't have any money to put down. The bank always wants to put something down. So you're telling me your car, you want 20,000 for your fucking car. Yeah. What do you want on the car? 20,000. 20,000. So you got nothing.

Right. You're going to have to come up with down payment for me to trade this fucking car. I know you have something in the bank. Is there something you can give me on Friday? How much can you come up here with a check for on Friday? Can you come up with $2,000 on Friday? 2,000. I don't have 2,000.

Well, what do you have? What can you give me on Friday that I can take to my manager right now? By the way, I'm going to need something right now. The ATM card. Right now? Just give me your ATM. Listen, for me to get him to do business, I got to bring him something. Let me get your ATM card.

What I'm going to do is credit. I have a limit though. Yeah. It's like a $200 limit. We don't give a fuck. It's okay. As long as he knows you have a credit card and we can contact the bank and you have credit. You're a good guy.

You have a car. You have a brand new car. I know your credit's good. All right. So Friday, you're going to come here with $1,500? $1,500. Yeah. You said you couldn't do two.

So I'm just, let's do $1,500. And what do you want? No, no, I can't do $1,500. So what can you do? $1,400. I guess. Okay. Let's do $1,400 on Friday.

What's Friday's date? Friday's date is the 24th. All right. And what's your payment a month? What do you want to pay? What are you paying on this car here? $2,500. And what do you want your payments to be now?

$200. How much? $200. And how many years do you want the payment to go? $4,000. Four years. Okay. Beautiful.

Let me get that ATM card real quick so I can bring it to my boss and make sure I want you to initial all these right here. And let's go do this paperwork when I get back. What am I signing? You're not signing nothing. You just initially, listen, you want to pay $200 a month. All right. For four years, that's 48 months.

You're going to give me $1,400 on Friday. You're going to pay me $10,999 for my car and $20,000 for your car. I'm going to give you $20,000 for your car. Initial all four of these real quick. I can't do that. I don't, that's a good contract. Not a contract. For me to take this to my boss, you just got to initial these.

Come on. I don't have that much time. I'm trying to get you a good deal. The other guy that comes at lunchtime is a fucking pain in the ass. I'm sorry to talk this way, but I want you, you seem like a nice kid and I got an idea. Okay. All right.

Go. Let me get the ATM card. The ATM card. Yeah. I got to take the card because I got to see that he knows something. I got the credit app on you. I'm going to run the credit app and make sure this was all him right here. This is all him.

He was just beating you up until you gave it to him. Oh my God. Did you see, you told me you wouldn't do $200. As soon as I asked you for two, what did I do? I know you only come. I know you only have 500 in your pocket. But I said two because it's so high. What did you say?

$2,000. Okay. So you could do 15. You agreed on it yourself. I didn't even do nothing. That's the trickery of this fucking four square. And he taught me how to work this four square. But what he was teaching me was not the four square.

He was teaching me about fucking life. Lee. It's so funny how this works for me even today. Oh my God. Like you just get trapped. It's like an octopus. It's a trap. It's a jujitsu trap.

It's a brilliant fucking trap. So how does the four square work? You just, you go. So now I come back and I say, listen, good fucking news. Okay. All right. We got your 14 for your car. 14 what?

1,000. That's what I'm a 20. It was 20. Yeah. But listen, we call three other Volkswagen dealerships. The most we get is 14,000 for your car. We're going to sell you our car for 9,500. You're going to give us 1,400 on Friday.

And I got your great sweet deal. I got you 2,49 a month. No, that's what I was paying now. For eight years. Eight years. But listen, that's a good deal. Listen, after two years, you come back in and we redo the fucking paperwork. What I'm going to do is, and that's it.

He just bought the fucking car. He just confused. Because you're down 6,000 on that car, Lee. So automatically that gets tacked to this. So this car right now goes to fucking 16,000. You're going to give me 1,400 down. And the best payment I can get you right now, you know what? Let me talk to him again.

I'll get it down to 2,500. But guess what? You're going to sign for that. And then when you go into the box, I'm going to get you for taxes. So I'm going to get you for 2,500 times $20. And you're going to pay me 2,400. It's fucking crazy. But today, today, the reason why, because I got a fucking

argument with people all the goddamn time about this shit is why I get it. Because you got to confuse them a little. But that's what you used it. Remember I told you on the phone the other day. You pay an attorney. What were we saying the other morning? I fucking forget.

I don't even remember. Oh, to confuse? To confuse people? To confuse people. A good Jew will confuse you. You pay them to stop confusing. Unless I don't want to be confused. I don't want to be fucking confused no more.

Let me give some shout outs real quick to my main man in Vegas, Freddie Correa, and his wife, Ed Priolo, Rafael Fuentes, Maglesto, Cologne, Ray Majuski over there on Facebook, Smackin' Bitches, Jeremiah Jones, James Lee, Sacramento, and Young Squee. I love you cocksuckers. You know what I'm saying? So what are you going to do in the next couple of days

without your uncle Joey leaving? The next couple of days, I have Matt there every tomorrow. I have another couple of podcasts this week. And I might go down to the podcast festival this weekend. I'm not sure about that. And that's really it. I don't really have anything. You don't have to mingle with shit.

Maybe, we'll see. This is a tough weekend for me, my friend. Why is that? Because I go home. I don't know why. It doesn't bother me, but it does bother me. It doesn't bother me, but it does bother me. Going home?

Yeah. What about it? Got to go to the cemetery. Got to drive around the neighborhood. Going to see all my old haunts. You realize how old you are, you know. You realize life moved on. All you have is your fucking memories, you know.

All I have is stupid memories of that shit. I cherish them more than anything in the fucking world. When I drive on 76th Street and I'm parking that light, I'm going to make a left at the next light on 77th to go to Louvre's house. And I look over my right shoulder and I don't see hashways there. It just does something to me. You know, it just fucking does something to me. I don't break down.

I don't need to go to a therapist, but it just kicks you in the stomach. It kicks your youth in the stomach. It kicks who you were as a child in the stomach. I didn't know anything as a kid. I just always thought hashways would be there. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Oh, why wouldn't you? Yeah.

And again, we all were talking about this not last night, but the podcast before. We all have our own hashways. We all have memories of that fucking childhood deli or pizza place or Chinese place. So whatever the fuck that you were in there and you tortured the people and they gave you credit and one day you swallowed a fucking roach in there by mistake and they didn't tell nobody. They gave you free food for the rest of your life. Whatever. For me, I'll say that name for the rest of my life hashways, you know.

I had a lot of fucking fun in there. But tomorrow I get to go home and I'll drive by at night and I just shake my head. You know, I always go down by my mother's bar and make a right on Burger Line. I left on Burger Line Avenue and I see what that's like now. And that's completely different. Then I hook a left on New York Avenue and I shoot all the way up to like fucking 48th and I cut over the fucking Hudson Avenue and I go all the way to 68th and I make a fucking left down to County Boulevard and I hit Venereys and I see what it looks like at night.

Then I make a fucking right up. I got the same route every time, dog. Really? Sure, because that's the route I had as a child. I don't know. And that's it. I don't get out. I don't breathe the air.

I just take that one ride to see what happened. Just kick me in the stomach just to shoot whatever dreams I had down. I was like, I have to go back to Jersey and it's going to be the same, you know. Would you even want it to be the same? Like, would you love it if everything was the same? A part of me, I'd like it to be like a Twilight Zone episode. A part of me would like to be going back there and to see Nick still being alive. Mr. and Mrs. Hashway still being alive and still being able to go in there and get a

roast beef sandwich on rye with the lettuce sliced real thin and heavy on the salt. No, heavy on the pepper and light on the salt. Mayonnaise with a little tomato, you know, and get a bag of wise potato chips with some macaroni salad and a 16 ounce Coca-Cola. Fuck yeah. And then for dessert, I would get a yu-hu and two yodels, you know, those chocolate things. You didn't fuck around from the beginning. Oh my God.

And on big days, you went in there and got on big days. Like, let's say you were fucking lifting fucking weights or something. I would go in there and get the fucking roast beef on the sub sandwich with lettuce and vinegar and oil and Swiss cheese like a motherfucker. I would get the macaroni salad. But instead of the chips, I'd switch it up to the pepperonis and the fucking jar. And you just get a fucking jar for 249. Why fuck around with those little pepperonis?

She'd have them on the shelves. You tack it onto your fucking bill and while you're biting into that roast beef sandwich with fucking Swiss cheese, you're taking that pepperonis and you're biting it. Half of it shoots in your fucking eyeball. And the other half drips down your face, you know what I'm saying? And you wipe it with a napkin. That's fucking living, Jack. Would I eat one of those tomorrow?

Mrs. Hashway is still there. Yes. That's the first place I go and I get off the fucking plane tomorrow night. But it's not there anymore. It's not there no longer. Fucking, they had the big Cuban place. It had been there for 30 fucking years. Closed down last year.

That's it, over. I think now I didn't take it. I took it to a different Cuban place. That place is done. Hashway's is done. Chance dragging in is still fucking holding tough. You could still go in there and smell Chinese puke from 1987. Have they changed the decor at all?

Not a fucking wink. You understand me? That's what makes me love it even more, cucksucker. But it's just, you have this, for me, I have an empty feeling. Can you imagine going back to your neighborhood and your mom's not there and your dad's not there? And your old house, somebody losing your house. Someone painted my house a new color.

You can't even knock on the fucking door. But 10 years from now, Lee, you'll want to go over there and just knock on the door. One day, excuse me, my name is Lee. This is my wife Paula. I'm a producer and my wife's an attorney. I grew up in this house. Do you mind if me and her come in and show my child where we grew up? I don't have that.

I can never knock on that door. Never? Oh, you should. We tried. We went over there. You and I, we looked in the backyard. Yeah, we were there. And it didn't do anything to me that night, that day with you.

But a few days later, I remembered where I had walked. That kind of gave me an anxiety attack. Because those bricks were still there. The grass had grown between them, remember? Those bricks were the same ones I played on in 1979. Bounced the basketball off. That's how I learned to dribble. Bouncing the basketball over there.

So you don't think you can handle going inside the house? No. I don't think I can handle going inside the house. Again, I want it to stay the way it is in my mind. I want that fucking room I lived in, that room was a girl's room. Why was it a girl's room? I don't know. One of the people who owned the house before that had a daughter,

and that was the fucking room. So when I walked in there was a girl who taught wallpaper, and they had mirrors in there, and they had a girl's closet. I just moved, and I didn't give a fuck if it was a girl's room. It was Uncle Joey's room now. I would hate to see that room today, you know? I had my trophies in there, and my fucking record player in there, and the TV in there, and I had my little kid bed in there, you know?

I think if I went in there, I'd go, wow, I didn't remember being this small. Right, oh yeah, it was huge when you were a kid. You know, if I went up to the attic, I guarantee that they never figured out my secret fucking hiding spot in the closet. You think there could still be stuff up there? Yeah, yeah, I know there's still stuff up there. Then we have to go.

No, no, no, no. You know what, man, sometimes it's better to leave something alone. Trust me when I'm telling you. I went down there, and when I was with my daughter last year, I took her down there, and I walked around with them, I took them to the fucking park, I played that. I had a great time with them. I didn't break down physically or mentally enough,

and I thought I would leave. See, right now, sometimes I think, oh my god, there's gonna be hard on me, then they shit. Then they shit, I breeze right fucking through it. Me going to the comedy store on stage, or going up to do comedy at the red fucking, the black horse gives me more anxiety than all those situations. You know, I thought when I would walk into the high school

a few years ago to have nervous breakdown, none of that shit happened. None of that shit happened. I don't know how I dealt with it, Lee. Over the years doing all that coke and sitting there alone like a fucking loser and writing about my past, all that shit fucking cleared the air in my mind. I don't know how.

I don't know how. When I walk in the streets a little bit sometimes, I go, wow, I remember walking on the street after I did this, or I remember walking on the street after I did that. I still remember walking that street when my godfather was chasing me. I still remember that route I took. Every time I go down the Loubs or I just take a ride down that hill,

I see all that shit and I go, Jesus Christ. 30 years ago, I was getting chased in that fucking park a lot. Chased, chased, you know, that's fucking, I haven't gotten chased, you know, I think I got chased four or five years after that, but I haven't been chased since then. I was getting chased. Chased for fucking four or five ounces of coke. Chased.

Now I pull up to my house, you know, I look at the baby, I look at my wife and I go, what the fuck happened? Do you see yourself being, like you see yourself running? Yeah. I see my, the reason why I only go home for three days is because I don't want it to sink in because let's face it, we know what the fuck it was, you know. I left there because I had no other option in any direction.

There was no way I was going to make it happen. No way, no way. Do you ever get worried going back that someone who didn't like you that is going to try to, no? No, no, this is 30 years ago, Lee, I'm the only one that lives in that stupid world. It was 30 years ago, these people, too many people have a memory like I do, you know, I feel bad about the things I did,

but it's not even that, I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about, there was nothing I could do, Lee, like there was nothing I could do, I was worthless to myself, there was nothing I could fucking do at that time. You know, I couldn't get a job, I was not going to hold a job now. I don't care how much you paid me or what the benefits were, eventually I'd find the fucking gripe, I was one of those guys. They only gave us 28 minutes for lunch, I'm walking.

Why, they're giving you $22 an hour. I was one of those assholes, you know what I'm saying? Right, nothing was good enough. No, I just wanted to be a fucking junkie, you know what I'm saying? Like I wanted to dick around, nothing was going to be good enough. So I wanted to really put myself to the test. In more ways than one, I said the only way I'm going to straighten out is if I start from fucking scratch.

When nobody knows me, where I got to get up in the morning. I can't go to anybody, go Lee, let me borrow 300 till next month. I'll figure out somebody to rob them before, now and then, I'll give me that 300 back. I had to start from scratch. I forced myself in a lot of ways when I'm writing about this situation, I think back to that, like I was like, you know what? If I don't fucking leave, I'm not going to do nothing here.

Let me leave, I got a couple fucking pants, I got some shirts, I got some razors, I got some head gel. We get a job, we get a job at least. I got a place to stay, we got a job. I could always do something, and I always had that confidence that I could fill out an application and bullshit my way and boom, I could always get a job for eight, 10 bucks an hour. I wasn't worried about that shit.

But I knew leaving was the answer, just to really push myself. And in a lot of ways, I wanted to fail. I wanted to fail, so I had to come back to that environment and really fucking fail, do you know what I'm saying? But you tried when you were in Colorado, it's not like you sabotaged, well I guess maybe you did sabotage yourself in the end, well. If you really think about it, when I got arrested, it didn't let me do what I wanted to do, was to go home.

In 1987, I was hell bent on fucking going home. So I lasted two years. All right, I lasted fucking two years. You know, these people that go home and then come back and go, I lasted two years. I didn't even make Ashley's fucking turn. I left in June of 87. Right.

And no, June of 85, and in October of 87, I wanted to go back to Jersey. And no job, no nothing. I probably had 35, 4,000 to bank, I was gonna go home. And try to be a cop dealer. That's the honest to God truth. Why didn't you look Colorado anymore? Because I couldn't be immediately.

I didn't have none of my idiot friends to go fucking to the track with. You couldn't do that stupid shit. I couldn't get hash ways. Who knows what the mind fuck was. But I know the mind fuck was cocaine. I do know that. I don't know what the other mind fuck was. But I do know the main fuck was going back

with my loser buddies and snorting coke. Because that was their realm. October of 87 was their fucking realm. I was 25 years old and I was dying to be a fucking stiff. And if you think about it, when I got popped, that forced me not to go home. That is kind of fucked up going to jail far away from where you were born. Yeah, no shit.

Like, yeah, we've talked about it before. Like you were in Colorado for a couple years. There's people who probably go on vacation and go to jail in fucking a weird state. I can't imagine going like I was blue listening. If I would have gone to... Okay. I got to fucking Colorado the first time in April of 83.

I started clipping like in June. I lasted like maybe 90 days without clipping something. And then I couldn't restrain myself. It was all over the place. And then I moved to Snowmass. And I went on a fucking thievery fucking rump. You know, it was like getting worse and worse. And I couldn't control myself.

I was like fucking the ice man. Instead of killing people, I was just robbing. You know, if it wasn't a steak, it was a lobster tail. It was something. It was just... But what it was, was my fucking wanting to get arrested. I had no fear. I would go into a fucking supermarket with a pillowcase.

And my friend, I'd spend $10, but I'd rob him for 40. I'd get a steak, but I'd have two steaks in the bag and a salami and a fucking chicken. Where's the pillowcase? I would have it like a duffel bag. And it looked like I had books in there. Oh, no, no, Lee, please. And then one day, let me see your bag?

Never, because I smiled and talked about football and we fucking talked about this and this and what were you taking on Sunday and come on by and watching the fucking mechanic. You know, it was always stupidity. So I always got away with that little fucking... I would go into the supermarket and they would never fucking ask me, you know.

Jesus Christ, that's... I would always be turnovers looking at you. And then the cops were on to me, but not really. And I boogied before they could really research. And I stayed out there for 18 months. And then I went right back. And I didn't... I wasn't a klepto when I went back.

I wasn't a klepto when I went back. By that time, I was on to a different from tea. And don't get me wrong, I would steal a pair of skis and sell them to you for 50 if you want to go back to Boston. Oh, yeah, if you came from Boston, you go, dog, do you know what, there's any skis around here for a small nickel? Let's not get you $2,000 a pair of skis for a small nickel.

What size do you want? 175, boom. They'll be in your fucking bag on the way back to Boston. I swear to God, there was a lot of that shit going on. Where would he steal skis from? People would leave them out to fucking dry overnight. And you come by, these are the ones I was looking for. What a coincidence.

Oh my God. And they'd sit there like they'd come out. And I was security at the hotel. I was security from five to one. So I would steal them at 10 after one. Would you like see cool designs and like make sure you knew it Romeo Rainer? No, because I would walk around and have to drive around

and they would all leave their skis and little holes. And I would see the ski and I would call my buddy and go, dog, I saw those skis you wanted. What size? I don't fucking know. Come by. You know, he would see them and he'd go, let's clip them and we clip them.

That's it. And the morning I'd be in there fucking ready to pick some of the upper to the airport. Man, it's something happened to our skis. There's nothing, they couldn't know. What time did you work though? Joy, one o'clock. Did you see the skis?

I don't know. I saw a bunch of fucking skis. I'm sorry. There's a bunch of skis out there. You sure you put them out there? Man, I'm not sure, man. And next thing you know, you're talking about, listen, next time you go to sport, Katelyn,

tell them what Joey sent you. Go see fucking them. Man, I swear to God, because my neighbor was the guy that worked at sport Katelyn. So you haven't wanted each side of the transaction? Please. Jesus Christ, Joey. How do you remember all this though?

Because I'm a fucking disgusting motherfucker. That's why only disgusting people remember shit like this. Oh my God. Scary way to live, man. I would always be nervous. Like, I'm nervous just thinking about that. You're in my thoughts a lot.

You're in my thoughts a lot because I look at your age and I always go, what the fuck was I doing at 28? And I go, Jesus Christ, Lee is a complete different human being. Lee is a human being. You know, this time as you say to me, man, I wish I had more of a social life. I wish I would have done things differently. I love the way you live in your life.

I mean, your percentage is a low. You know, your percentage is for a lot of shit a low. It's not like you're scratching at night or you're looking for a fix. I mean, the worst thing you'll do at night is go get tentacles or a crow. That's the worst thing a guy like you will do is get up after 12 o'clock at night.

And you know what? Fuck Joe Diaz, fuck Dave, fuck Paul. I'm getting a pizza pizza. I'm getting the fucking new cheese knots and I'm getting the garlic wings. That's the worst thing you would do to yourself. Yeah, pretty much. You would never do cocaine.

You would never do heroin. You'd never do a pill. You would eat an edible with me. How do you feel? You did 1,300 milligrams. Tell the fucking audience how we feel like nothing. I feel pretty good. It's like another day at the beach out here

with fucking Uncle Joey and fucking Lisa. It's a fun night. But I always compare what you're doing and what I was doing. And I never get mad at you. I'm always like, boy, he's on the right fucking track, dog. I'm trying. I feel like I'm getting...

When this podcast started, four years ago, I was like really lost. A lot like I felt I was on the queer path. No, you weren't lost. You were a kid out of college, that old Getus. Society made you get a job that you thought you really wanted to do. You caught yourself in a corner.

You kind of liked it because you liked being inside. You're like having the snacks around. You're taking your shoes off. Oh, my God. They had so many snacks. And rubbing your feet. But then you... You don't have any snacks.

Let's fuck them. Fuck snacks. We got stars. You want a snack? I'll give you another star. I'll give you brownie with 180 milligrams. That's a snack we got here. You want to bong it?

That's a snack. That's a good nutrition snack right there. No. And I look at your toy. I look at the Agostino. I look at Thomas Easter. I look at all these kids. You know, well, Thomas Easter is a little longer than the two.

Thomas Easter is 32. That's when I came out here. I had to be 32, 33. I wasn't no youngster when I came out here. I was competing against youngsters, but I was lost too. When I came out here at 32, I was just buying time. So I always look at you guys and I go, they're doing fucking tremendous because deep down inside,

the only way I can make a buck in those days was selling cars or selling drugs. I had a knack for it and I would flip flop. Like, I don't really like selling fucking cars full time. If I had to do it, I did it. I did it for eight months at a time or a year at a time. But I always preferred selling coke. It was easier for me at that time.

It was what I wanted to do. But how much more dangerous though? I had my own clickly. We've gone over this shit. I know, but If it was me, you, the Agostino, listen, if I was getting an eight ball every day in those days and you snored in the Agostino snored in,

we got one more guy, you guys would snort every day. Not because you wanted it because you had no option. I'd drop a line on you and then drop a package on you. Boom, I'd left you a 50 there. I don't want to take it because you're going to call me in two hours. And then I'm going to be in fucking all the way in fucking the valley. And then you're going to take the fucking thing. You just take it.

There'd be a time when you'd have six of those things. Joey, I can't take no more. Take it. You're going to need it. It's a good shit. It's the shit from Norriega. You guys are good guys. You guys are really decent.

You're college educated. I mean, the Agostino's half a momo, but he's a hustler and a half. He's got that fucking Arab blood or whatever. He's got them that south Sicilian blood. So the Agostino don't fucking stop. So, but that's how I judge, you know, I kind of go, what the fuck did I have going on

compared to those guys? At 28, I couldn't even open a fucking computer, guys. I didn't know what a fucking computer was at 28. I knew how to pay to rent. Whatever my rent was, I kept it low. There was no way I had a car payment. Everything I did was a borrowed car or a rented car or somebody's friend needed a car.

I always had never had a car, Lee. I didn't get a car until I was in my 30s, I don't think. I had problems, man. I just got sick and tired of having fucking problems. Yeah. So for me going home, brings up a lot of those old fucking feelings, you know, just not, not, I'm not gonna cry or fucking nothing like that.

I don't even cry at the fucking grave or anything. I just go, sometimes I bomb my head, sometimes the tear comes out. But it's not like I have a nervous breakdown or anything like that. I just go, I bring some flowers. Sometimes I whip out a fucking number and blow some reef around her. Well, it's obviously important to you, even though it freaks you out a little bit.

You know what, man, it's home. Let's be honest. You did jiu-jitsu all the time. Lawyer's case scenario, you're going to fucking grab him into your guard. That's it. And hold him there for a minute until you regain everything. Whether he's punching you in the head, whether he's trying to pass your guard,

you're always trying to retain your guard. And then you get him in a defensive hold, you hold his collar and you hold his sleeve. That's home for me. What the fuck are you kidding? Right. That was where it started. And that was where it ended, that fucking hole.

If you really look at it that way. That was where it ended and that was where it started. There was nothing in my life more real than that. Was throwing dirt on that fucking coffin. There's nothing more real than that. That's as real as taxes, bitch. And that either fucking, either you fucking fold or you throw a fucking ace, you know.

And you don't have a choice. You have to throw an ace at that age. So I had a go for it. If it wasn't for the drugs, I think I would have followed it. And I did fold. Who the fuck am I kidding? I folded because of the drugs and I folded because of the drugs. And I didn't fold because of the drugs.

Do you know what I'm saying? What do you mean fold? Fail. Fail. I failed myself at that age. I was a thief, you know. I did drugs and I could have possibly done something, you know. But just the whole crushing, the whole fucking deal.

So yeah, when I go home, I feel all those things. I do some comedy Friday and Saturday and we're back. Hell yeah, that's what I'm gonna follow you. Because now it's a new home. You know what I'm saying? So that's when I left that and do stand-up comedy. Well, I left there. I was fucking doing.

God knows what the fuck I was doing. So that's how I judge a lot of this shit by you younger guys. Oh, what the fuck you doing? These guys send me emails. They don't know how lucky they are. They send me emails asking me about leaving. They don't know what to do. That they should stay in school.

It's their fucking last semester. I got a good one the other day about last semester and stuff like that. Where are you gonna go? You're already there, right? Right. Why drop out now? Well, a lot of people do that for some reason. I don't know why.

I wouldn't. I won't. I got no choice. They told me to drop out. They transferred me to a correctional facility where there was three books. That's it. What courses do you offer here?

There's three of them. All right. They're sitting in the library. They're sitting in the library. And they're sitting in the library reading the paper. I'll take three. I'll take the third one also. Fuck that shit.

Give me those papers, dad, my brother. I wish, Lee, you could go to New York. I just have a lot on my dish in New York. I don't know. And you'd make me fucking nervous walking around because I couldn't even imagine. I couldn't even imagine what you'd come to me with. Next thing you know, you're going to Staten Island

for Jewish food or something. I'd have to stab you. You know, you went off to fucking Plantation and whatever, but you were in good hands. Oh, yeah, I was at Bobby's. Yeah, you were in good fucking hands. So, no, no, no, it's always a fun fucking time, at least I had. And besides, you're home with us this week with the mom.

You're going to go to Chicago with me to tape the special. Oh, yeah, that's gonna be great. I asked for the hotel rooms today. It's a me-hollow way. Hopefully, he's going to be able to fucking come. So, you know, I'm working really hard, man. And I'm not getting stressed out at all about this. This isn't...

I told myself before, I said, yes, there was only one way to fucking do this. And the good thing about this is I'm having a good time doing it. I had a good time in Austin, Lee. Oh, yeah. Thursday night first show, Lee, you were there, you were my witness. I don't know what happened to the show. I ate dick.

Was I mad? Not really, no. All right, there's no time. You're going to have to get numbers, bitch. You got to get some good ones and you got to get some bad ones. There's nothing I could do. I still got to do four more in New York, five more in Columbus, and then a three-show warm-up before the two...

I'm shooting for the special. So, what do we got? We got four. We got five. That's nine. Nine. And then we got three. 12.

And then we got two at the comedy store. 14. 14, and we got one at the ice house. 15. 15. If I could get 12 tremendous and three bombings, it's going to be a good fucking special. Does it matter where the bombings are in those 15?

It always matters, because I listened to all of them. Thank God that you did a tape. This week, I'm going to have to have Timmy Holloway tape. I'll tape one myself. I'm learning a lot from taping. I can't lie to you. Do you listen to the whole thing? I listen to half, then I have to put the other half.

It's too much for Uncle Joey. And it's a bit much. I can't lie to you. It's tough. And that's fucked up because it sometimes is good. It's an hour. It's my voice and it pisses me off. Why does it piss you off?

Because I wish I had a nice fucking voice. My voice gets on my goddamn nerves. That's why I've been telling you this for fucking years, cock sucker. Just something about your own voice. You know, yeah. It's tough to fucking explain to people. We talked about this shit.

But it's something I've never done, which I could feel on stage. I felt it in Austin Friday and Saturday on stage. And now I used to say things and get rid of them. That's not happening no more. I'm saying, I'm keeping them. And I'm building something. So what I thought wouldn't happen is fucking happening. I'm getting a tag every two or three shows,

which is what you really want. I was scared of hitting an hour the last three weeks. I've been doing an hour ten everywhere. Yeah, you have. So think about it. This is how I'm learning a lot. And I'm appreciating that you guys are coming out and supporting me, whether it's at the ice house or at the fucking flappers

or at the fucking other place we were doing. Where else were we doing? Black horse. The dark horse. The dark horse. You guys come out those nights. It's always tremendous because I just go up there to talk and we tape it and then we listen.

And if we get one line from it, it's successful. You guys are helping me out. You know what I'm saying? This week, like I said, I've got them. I don't know what's left. I'm hearing rumors. I don't know what's left. I hear Saturday night's gone.

I hear they got tickets for the early show. I hear Friday early is gone. I don't know. You got to go down there and talk to those fucking people and see what's going on or go on the Gotham website. I don't know what it is. Gothamcomedy.com Friday and Saturday, 8 and 10 o'clock. And then next week to 29th, I'm over at the ice house.

There's one, one, two, three, no expectation towards left. But I think the ice house I'm going to do, the closest I'm going to do to the special is going to be Wednesday at the ice house. Hopefully Leo be there to tape it. Absolutely. And that tape is going to be really serious because that's what I'm going to be working on in Jersey

is what that tape is going to work like. And even if that close is not working, that's when I'm going to have to put a spin on shit. And that's when shit's going to get fucking tough. Because that's what's lacking right now is that final fucking ba-bam. It's not really there. It's going 50-50. So I got to repolish that up.

And I'm being honest with everybody, but I'm being as honest as I can. This makes me even want to work more because now I put it out there. God, suckers. That's how Uncle Joey works. I come up here and tell you, I'm going to fucking kill you, motherfuckers.

No, no, no, no, no, no. This thing still needs a couple fucking tweaks and a couple fucking jokes. That guy Lee was there. Lee's good at stand-up guys. Lee has been watching stand-ups since he's a young kid. And I tell you what,

he picks up little fucking things. Lee would be a good movie director because he takes the best of what you got. He doesn't take your week, so he accepts it. And he goes, no, no, but you did this this time. And last show, you didn't do this. In this show, you should do this.

Lee's got a great idea, too, that I'm scared to do. But that's Lee. But that's what makes me fucking dangerous because I'll take Lee's fucking advice, go up there feeling like I want to shoot myself. And then I get off and I don't get mad at Lee. I just giggle. We both, because I yell at him for five minutes.

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when you go to clubw.com slash joey. Again, $20 off your first order when you go to clubw.com slash joey. And it gets better. I know you hate paying for shipping so Club W will actually pay for your shipping on orders of four bottles or more. So take something off you to do this for the holidays.

Here you go. It starts right now. Just go to clubw.com slash joey to get $20 off your first order today. Right now. That's clubw.com slash joey today. Thank you. One more time to me on these.

Thank you to Club W. And thank you to our main sponsor. Onit.com. Always there for you. Supplements. They got the training bars. They got kettle bells. They got the gorillas.

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And I want to thank you guys. We'll be back Monday night. Eight o'clock sharp Wednesday, three o'clock in the afternoon. We're setting this motherfucking train up, motherfuckers. Lee, say good night. Good night, everybody.

I love you, cocksuckers. See you in New York City. We'll see you the following Wednesday at the ice. I'll stay black. $80 off of your first order. And Club W knows you hate paying for shipping. So on orders of four bottles or more, Club W will actually pay for your shipping.

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Pull me out of bed. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Before I go to bed, I take control of fingers. I take control of brain. No, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh To 2020, 2024, I want to go, I want peace of the Indian, nothing to do, nowhere to go, I want peace of the Indian Just put me in a wheelchair, give it to the show, hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go no, no, I can't control my fingers, I can't control my toes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go no, no, I can't control my fingers, I can't control my toes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa I wanna be so needed fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa I wanna be so needed fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa I wanna be so needed fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa I wanna be so needed