Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #416 - George Perez

Episode Date: September 27, 2016

George Perez, comedian seen on Roast Battle and Showtime, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 09/27/2016.
    

This show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use the code word CHURCH to save 10% on all of their amazing optimization products like Alphabrain, Numu, ShroomTek Immune, and ShroomTek Sport. Onit.com code word CHURCH. Oh shit, September 26, Monday. The church of what's happening now. This is what the fuck I'm talking about. A train running up your fucking spine coughs up its...

In the shuffling madness of a locomotive crash. Runs the all-time loser. You know how many times I was in the song of the dark? You know how many times I was in the song of the dark crying? You scared the fuck out of me. But it made me a fucking madman and shit. And the train in watch top door, it took you down. Chick-a-chew, chick-a-chew.

Fucking tremendous cocksuckers. Are you kidding me or what? Coming out the jump tonight, cocksuckers. The church of what's happening now. My little brother, Lee Syat. My main man, George Perez, doing the podcast. Fucking sturkin' lately. Hell yeah, what's up, doggy dog?

People say nothing, dog. These motherfuckers show up lately, you know what I'm saying? These motherfuckers don't know. We've been running since fucking Pajaso Slam. We're trying to mug fucking Montoya to make sure you had cash and cash with you now. Yeah, I tell people, oh man, I'm so blessed. I met you like nine months in the game and you just grabbed me. You're like, come here, dog.

Let's do this shit. Yeah. You had a heart in the beginning. These guys show up, you know, with a suitcase. You showed up with the truck, the piano, and you said, fuck it, I'm all in. That's it? Yeah, you wanted weed. Yeah, you got some weed.

Fuck it, always. You got to show up with something, nothing is free. You know what I'm saying? Straight up. Weed, what was that thing from the 70s? Grass, acid, gas. Nobody rides for free. Remember the people who used to put on their bumper stickers and shit?

That was a bumper sticker. Really? I never saw it. It was an itch in your daddy's pants and that bumper sticker was popular. Today I went to the doctor and he had a smiley face. That's from the fucking 70s. A smiley face? A smiley face, that little fucking thing.

A smiley face. Don't worry, be happy. Yeah, that thing started on like 74, 73, some guy was in his fucking office doodling. When you doodle. What do you mean doodle? When you're sitting here on a pen and I'm talking to you and I'm writing fucking little ants and fucking bugs with the hairs and shit on them. You ever see that shit?

When you finish a conversation, look at the pad in front of you. You got numbers on there. Like you're going to remember any of this shit. You're taking numbers and addresses, then you rip that fucking thing up, you throw it away. There goes the fucking party. You don't want to call them back. I just have weird shapes. I found a little bit of a crazy person that someone ever went through my mail.

Yeah, that's it. You just fucking talking to your mom and you just fucking scribbling on the thing, you know, maybe he says something. I'm weird. Like I do like old graffiti that I used to write. So like I do like I try to do my name like in the old gangster style a lot. And I don't know what's weird. I always do like Perez, Perez.

Proud of it. You know. Hey, man. You got Perez on your back. I got Perez on my stomach. I got it on my arm four times for all my kids. Fuck it. Perez, Perez, Perez.

If Tony, Tony, Tony did it, you could do it too. Fuck these motherfuckers. Good to see you. Oh yeah. Still making a fucking happen. Trying. You know, I tell people that the experience that you have here sometimes you sit back some nights and you see people who disappeared.

They just disappear. You know, your dad was in jiu-jitsu when I turned around. I go, you know what? That's a complete different fundamental class. I don't even know these people. Turnover is big, but it's even bigger when you come here and you start out with guys for three or four months. Then one day, oh, they got a day job.

Why? Why'd you get a day job? You were doing great. They didn't have the heart in them the hustle. I don't know. No. It's like, listen, everybody has the heart. When you get on stage the first three times is the hardest thing you'll ever fucking do

in your life. That's the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. Once you do the first three times, you're in. You might not be fucking kicking ass or you might not be Johnny Carson, but you're in. But it's like anything else. When you bartend, the first two shifts, you're fucking putting club soda in the fucking buckets and orange juices. Anything else.

And then you develop the fucking things, then you develop the speed, the technique. You're working at a discotheque, making $1,000 a night. Whatever the fuck they call them, the club. Yeah. It's true. It's like anything else. So you stick it out. You fucking eat shit for a while.

You know what? When I was young, I was guilty of that shit too. I did it a thousand times. But when I bit my teeth into something like comedy, I stuck with it. I was just waiting to find the good thing I liked. I was waiting for something to be better than drug dealing. How many jobs did you have? I can go on too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Painter. Yeah, what about at 18? And where were you at 18? At 18, what was I doing? At 18, I quit high school, going into my senior year. And I got a job loading trucks from Mazback Century Hardware. Fuck.

Right before senior year. I quit like a fucking jerk off. Then I tried to go back, but it didn't work out for me. But that was my end. But I remember, see when I went home the other day, I thought of all the shit jobs I had. And there was a guy. There were a couple of guys I used to go to and go, dog, I need a job. I need a job to torment them.

They couldn't get out of the car without me going, dog, what happened to that job? Until they get me a job. And then I go, oh shit, they got me a job. I remember one year I got a job from Carmine Balzano. He goes, they want to hire the carload construction. The job was walking on a 2x12 with a wheelbarrow full of cement for 10 hours a day. I would just count the days through the paycheck. I would just work enough to cover my nut for that weekend.

And a couple of days after that, what do I need? I need 400. Once I made 400, I just quit. This ain't for me no more. What happened? I fucking quit. Then my buddy got me a job putting shirts in a box and sending orders, shipping. I walked in there at 8.

And by 8.30, I said, let me go outside. I got a brief. Ping. Yeah. Another time, my friend got me a job at a paint store on Bergen Line Avenue on a Monday morning there. They had me carrying paint for the first three hours. Eight bucks an hour. I was like, you fucking credit me.

And right down the corner, there was a Coke dealer who would front me. I had a gold watch that was fake. I said, fuck it. By 11.30, I put the whole deal together in my head. I'd go down there, tell him I'd be back in two hours with the fucking money. Give me a half ounce of Coke. And I'd bring the watch to him. That was the end of that job.

That was no more. My friend called me. What happened, dog? They said you just left, dog. I don't want to be breeding those fumes. You know what I'm saying? I got some cocaine to snort. You want me down there breeding fucking fumes?

Then I got another job that summer, like 10 blocks down at a hardware store. And that lasted till I figured out how to rob the register. Once they gave me a fucking angle to the register, you couldn't trust me around a register in those days at all. Yeah. When I was young, I was really like that. I don't like sticky fingers like a motherfucker. You would steal from the register? Oh, like it was my own.

The other day I saw Pete Bosano. I got him. He came. And we were talking about one time he got me a job at Randalumba. And he goes, I got a job for you. It's five bucks an hour. It's a great job. But do me a favor.

You got to steal. Because if you don't steal, they're going to know I was stealing. Oh. Yeah. You got to keep the same record. And I had to keep the same record. So every sheet applied was 80 bucks. I was selling for 25, 30.

Yeah. It's black market. People come in and go, let me get 10 sheets applied. I was going to call you 800. What if you gave me three papers and they go, load it up, bitch. 300. Straight up. And I figured they had the old school register.

So you buy a drill for $249. I'm ringing up 49. Yeah. It doesn't say drill. Like the. No. It was the old school register. This is way before paperwork and all that shit fucked it up for people to steal.

Because all technology was, all technology is, it's fucking it up for people like me when I was young. Like today's world, I wouldn't survive because you can't take a fucking dime. No way. Not a dime. We got cameras on top of cameras inside of cameras. There's nothing you could do. I worked in a movie theater that fired someone for stealing one bag of M&M's. Yeah.

No, no, no. In corporate world now, let's pretend me and you enjoyed to take a bag of peanuts and we take a break. Somebody's getting fired tomorrow. I'll tell you who it would be. Somebody's getting fired tomorrow. It's fucking crazy. I would never survive a minute.

A minute until there's corporate structure. A minute. I did what I did at the right fucking time in my life. And without knowing, I had no idea it was going to become like this. Right. You got a job now. You got to sign 80 documents. They do a background check right away.

They fucking, it's, it's, it's a nightmare. But something did happen to me the other day, though. What was the last time somebody rocked your world, George? They rock my world? Like a friend of yours that just. This kid's always rocked my world. Whenever I go home, he's always like just done something I was telling Lee. Lee is here because he reminds me of this kid Loops I grew up with.

And when I got, and Loops is a fiend, he's got no teeth left. Damn. But the fact is he put himself through MIT dog as an engineer. The dude's a bad motherfucker. He just never came out of the 80s. He just never, you know, I was stuck in that shit too for a long time. You know, once you get off the powder and you're really off it. So every time I call him, he always comes to the hotel first and brings me big ziti.

His mother made a soda, silverware, a flower, the chocolate cake or whatever his mother made. It's always, so it's, it's a, bro, I, all I have to do is my plane lands. All I have to do is call him and go, I'm ready for you. And then we, he brings it, we eat it, we take a ride, we smoke a number, we reminisce. And an hour later he goes home and I won't see him again until I fucking leave. Oh wow. That's all I need from him. This time I called him no show.

Oh. Thursday. No answer, no show. Right away I think he went over to the feds. Right away, you know, my disgusting mind. And I said, you know what, maybe we've been friends for too long. Maybe it's time to move on. Yeah.

Friday he calls me up. Dog, what are you doing? You want me to pick you up? I got a show at fucking seven o'clock. I got to leave for the city. He goes, all right, I'll call you tomorrow morning first thing. I get back from the fucking show last, you know, when you get back from two shows, dog. You're wired for sound.

You're thinking about everything you said. There's usually that show on TV about the prisoners. And you watch that shit until we are. And you're like, that's bullshit. You know what I'm saying? Even in prison today I would fail. It's too corporate. Kites and fucking no cigarettes.

Yeah. It's too corporate. I would fail in prison today. It's too much fucking paperwork. Too much paperwork to fucking survive. So anyway, Saturday morning I wake up, dog. I ate like eight fucking stars. I ate like 1600 milligrams.

I slept like a baby. I hadn't slept in two nights, three nights. First night I had to get up at four in the middle of the night like a burglar. The second night I had to get up at Opian Anthony. So at five, remember I ate in the morning. I'm getting on the radio. It should be five in the morning. Yeah, because the time changed.

So I got up at like three in the morning that day. And then Friday I couldn't sleep. I got up at seven like fucking I was going to war. What the fuck am I going? I got nowhere to go. Oh, I'm auditioned. That's why Friday I had to bring the city. So I knew Friday night I was going to go down like this is all in New York.

It's all in New York. Fuck. And Saturday morning I wake up and I got 19 missed calls. But as I look at the phone, it rings and it's loops. And he goes, where you going? I mean, calling you since I'm going to nine o'clock. I go, listen dog, I'm just getting up. I just need a cup of coffee.

Fuck that. I'm around the corner. Let's get keeping coffee. No way. He's in New York? He's in Jersey. I stayed in Edgewater. He jumps in the fucking, I jump in the shower.

Little monkey. I come downstairs. Half dead. There's coffee there from Starbucks. I asked the lady for a cup. I give her the three bucks. I don it. I come out of my fucking coma.

I had two joints in my wallet from the night before. I mean, him went on a fucking joy ride at that. Okay. First of all, this traffic bumper to bumper. New York. Listen, New York traffic is brutal. How's the weather? Is it cool?

Weather was just listening. If you're going to go to New York anytime of the year, it's April, May or September. Okay. That's it. Don't go on July. Don't go on August. That humidity is a nightmare. June's a nightmare.

February, you got to walk around with a body suit from the cold weather. Unless when you, you know, when you go, it's 10 below. When you're here, people call you. It's 74 degrees today. Yeah. You know, yeah, I know. So just avoid the fucking thing. Because you never know what's going to win the skies and the fall back there.

So he picks me up, bro, this traffic bumper to bumper. George Perez, this motherfucker's doing 90. Around people in the left lane. And all of you fake the left turn, cutting people off. He's got a badge in the car. Oh, wow. He's old school. Old school.

Old school license. Just got it back. I don't worry about nothing. In fact, if they pull me over, I'll tell them I know Anthony. I went for Anthony. Because my friend is an assemblyman, a freeholder. Oh, wow. And he runs North Bergen.

So he goes, I just tell him, I did it like three times. They just let me go. So we're cutting people off, cutting people off. I got to get a unit city to go to the jewelry store. I got to get to buy flowers from my mother's grave. Because that was the most important. Whenever I get back, I got to go right to the cemetery. But Thursday, I had to go to opening Anthony.

When I got back, I called Bobby. He wasn't there. He couldn't drive me. So I got caught up. So Saturday, we're going out in the cemetery to get flowers. That's just Cuban place. It's been there for like 20, 30 years. It's called Dos Amigos.

All they do is Cuban steak sandwiches, Cuban milkshakes, and Cuban sodas. That's it. But the Cuban steak sandwich, bro, they get the French fries. They cook them, and then they take them out of the deep fry and they throw them in with the steak. And they mix them with the steak and the onions. They go seasoning on it.

And the potatoes are soft. And they put it on that Cuban bread, and they cut it in half, and your world changes when you buy it. But the problem is, every time you go down there, you get 15 tickets. You can't park. The line is huge. And fucking, you got to double park. Some people just go fuck it.

I'll get 10 sandwiches and get the $60 ticket. It's worth the renovation. That's the mentality. That's how good the fucking sandwiches are. The Yankees get tickets all the time. The football players, they don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They double park the SUVs going there.

Let me get six to go and shit. 22 with cheese, eight without cheese, like a motherfucker. They got that Cuban soda. They got sugar cane juice. That's why I brought up sugar cane juice. I didn't even touch it. What's Cuban soda? Mateba.

Mateba. They eat on bed. Iron beer. And then they have a maltatue, maltatue. That's my favorite. I got a couple maltas, but I'm on that way, dude. But mateba is the shit. Now they have a diet mateba and a diet fucking iron beer.

You understand me? Fat fucks like me can't lose. And I don't think I've gotten more texts from you than I did this weekend. And every day it was just the delicious, delicious food. And they got like more and more delicious. And you just started laughing when I would call you because you knew how like, like I wanted to jump on the plane. Because I'm trying to, I'm trying to fucking take Lee.

Lee eats fucking today. We passed by the skinny kitchen for six months. I like the skinny kitchen. It's delicious. They have great buffalo burgers. What the fuck? Shut down. The other place gave him fucking Agila.

He got lizard meat. He got his dad sick. I mean, it's just a nightmare. Is he the Geico dick? Yeah. He eats terrible food. He just has terrible, because he goes on yelp and he believes a bunch of gentiles. And never ate food in their life.

Well, there's a great hot dog. Then you go there and it tastes like dick. The bread is cold. I have bad luck, I guess, but it's just, and you were sent, you were so happy at that sandwich place that you sent me the picture of the bill. Because it was $22. Two Cuban steak sandwiches, a milkshake, and two fucking sodas. Okay.

$21. Delicious though. And the steak sandwich was like this dog. With raw onions, cooked onions, and the French fries on top. Like these guys fed sales. They just put McDonald's fries on your fucking sandwich and gravy. That ain't no fucking, there's no creativity in those McDonald's fries. The Cubans cut the potatoes.

So they bend and they leave the fucking skin on it. We ain't got time to fuck with that shit. You know what I'm saying, dog? That's how I'm fucking starting. And then they had like three different types of hot sauce. I put the Franks on that motherfucker with that diet iron beer. That was good to go. But listen, we pull up in front of the place.

There's no parking, but there's a handicap parking. Not only we just do 90 and we cut off half of Jersey. He got, would it have taken you and I a half hour? Well, he did in seven minutes. No way. And he got me there and also he parks in the handicap and he whips out the handicap stick. He goes, this is why I pay $50 every two years. He popped that motherfucker in there.

We both limped over into that fucking place. We ordered a sandwich. We got back in the car. We made fucking another U-turn, cut 19 people off, drove on a sidewalk. And next thing you know, on 48th street, making a left off the burger line fucking avenue, but traffic is bumper to bumper. We go fucking. Mom's flowers are better.

Again, cuts people off. Kennedy Boulevard, dirty left turns, right turns, blinkers. I mean, it was fucking tremendous. The whole time stuttering. Music is on, you know, telling me stories and shit. I'm hollering. I'm hollering because nobody would believe this. Pops are left.

A U-turn. We get flowers from my mother. Boom. We go down the fucking hill. We shoot in. We go into the cemetery. There's people there with their families, their grandkids are running around. Look at grandma.

Dead grandma. You don't give a fuck. He's because they have double parked too. He's driving on the bodies and shit. He knocked over. He knocked over a tombstone. We cut half to the fucking thing. We get to my spot.

I clean off my mother's grave. I say 10 prayers. He's 10 feet from me. I rip up the fucking grass. I blade the flowers down. I smell reefer. I go, what do I smell reefer? I turn around.

He's like, hey, your mom smoked. Did he stutter too? The dog is stuttering. I look at him for like two minutes, like this motherfucker. I go, this is why I love this kid. I go, give me that fucking joint. I blew it on the fucking tombstone. I said, finish it.

He gave me a little roach. I left it right there on the tombstone until the next time I see your mama fucking smoking or y'all bringing some better shit. We got back in the fucking car. And then he did 90 on tonally am. We've gotten people off. And in the meanwhile of this, he says to me, hey, I got something. I got something for you.

He goes under his seat and he gives me a baggie with like four pills in it. Oh, fuck. I go, what are these? He goes, you said your back was hurting. Take those. I go, what are they? He goes, I don't know. I don't know.

At least he's honest. At least he's honest. Then we took another ride. He ran his house and he brought down a pint of cannoli flavored Italian ice. He had been saving for me since Wednesday. What is it? Cannoli flavored Italian ice that he'd been saving for me since Wednesday. Oh, shit.

I took the fucking cannoli. I looked at him. I took two spoons out of it, licked it and gave it back to him. No, no, no, no. It's for you. I go, I'll end up looking like you, you fuck. Dog, I laughed the whole fucking two hours. He didn't shut the fuck up.

Stuttering like it was 1982. Smoking, throwing cigarettes out the window. I mean, everything he did was illegal, bro. Nobody lives like that no more. Even for a minute that he jolted me, but I go, you know what? Every night I sit in my fucking house, George Perez, going, what the fuck is my doing with my life? I sit here.

I play with a three and a half year old. I watch TV. I talk to my wife. She goes to bed. I sit here and watch narcos and salivate because I miss hitting people in the head with sticks and snorting, telling people to suck my dick and calling them Maricazzi shit. How times change. And all of a sudden I get in the car with this lunatic.

It's the fucking best 20 minutes I've had the last 10 years, bro. Fuck yeah, man. It's old school friends, people that just divide. It's crazy. And the car is worth $500. You hear the brakes screeching. He told me, I paid $500 for this three years ago. I only changed the oil.

You always said that if your mom was alive, you would have probably lived at home like lubes. Could you imagine if you and lubes were still together in Northburg and just delivering your mom to us? The first person I ever snorted coke with. Oh shit. How old are you? 16.

Damn. 15. 15. Damn. He looked at me like a soldier. He goes, fuck it. Lay it down. Then we started snorting TAC crystal.

That shit that makes you fucking see debt stars and stuff. It was a good trip. I see payment. Timmy. I saw Mike Bartolovitz. I saw McMans. I saw a bunch of fucking people. I hadn't seen Carlos Neri.

Thursday I didn't work. I just went to Barone's bar. Is that in Jersey too? Yeah. Real close to where I was staying. A bunch of my friends came from the seventh grade, sixth grade dog and we just sat there till 10 o'clock. We drank a beer.

We hugged and we went home. That was it. I didn't want to fucking, I just wanted to see these people and tell them that, you know, when I was in prison, like I told them that night to tell you about it. When I was in prison, I think about you people. I thought about you people. I was ashamed of that. When I was in the center of the longest yard, I also thought about you people and thought

about how proud I was trying to make you by doing this, you know. Straight up. Because I knew those people when I was straight, dog. And the girl said to me, she goes, what, have you ever sent Lovito a check? Lovito was my sixth grade teacher who had a wig. And on Fridays you had two options, bro. You could go to CCD, religious instruction, or you could sit through the ecology club for two hours and learn how to throw papers and shit in the garbage.

I didn't want to do either. So I got thrown out of CCD. So I had to go back to Lovito. But Lovito goes, you know what? A bunch of people don't want to fucking sit and learn. I talk about education, environment on Friday. There were about 20 of us and he would go, why don't you go to the front of the class and sing.

And every Friday we would have a talent show. Oh. And I would sing My Eyes Adored You by Frankie Valli. And I would walk around with a brand new shirt on. I got this fucking Vinny Bananas and shit. And you did it for the whole year? For about eight months. Then I switched up to the Jackson Five and I would switch back to Frankie Valli.

No, no. Whatever I could sing, I would sing The Beatles Help. Oh, shit. Stupid shit. But it was him who got me. I was like, bro, when you were in the sixth grade, you're going up in front of a bunch of animals. Fuck the comedy story and shit 20 years later than me.

You know what I'm saying? Those people are animals in the sixth grade. They would throw a desk at you those motherfuckers. Oh, shit. What's going on with you, George Prez? I know you always got shit cracking. Man, I just, I got the, you know, I just finished writing a little short film that I finally getting together.

Like, it's cool. We'll see what that takes me. I did that. I did the Joe Rogan podcast man. And like, it's weird. Like, I've never, ever had that many email alerts. And like, I'm just cool right now, man. A lot of good stuff's going on.

Chillin'. I saw a red band putting you on those Wednesday shows. Yeah, the secret shows. And I would see that Joe was on the shows. And I wanted to know how long it would take you and Joe to finally connect in a certain way, you know? Joe and Ari are the type of people that they don't care about your past. There's people that tell you they don't care about your past, but they really do.

They use it against your dumb situation. I know exactly what you mean. Ari has been one guy that's always been a supporter of my past. And he's always, regardless of what's happened, you know? Joe will take a while. He's a little bit more keen and careful. And he'll look at you from a different perspective. And then eventually he'll see you for what you are.

And then you're in. He'll see the situation that you're in and what you're doing to make it better. You know, it's not what judgmental, but you know how comedy is. There's the way it is. There's that. Comedy is that these people come up to you and then listen. I want to do this and this and this and this. And you try to do something.

They blow up a spot. And now you look like you have it on your fucking face. Guess what? I did it to Joe too. I did it to Joe. So Joe just understands me. He knows you're fucking nuts. I get it.

You're nuts. I get it where nobody else understands that. One day we were talking and Joe was like, you'd be on my TV show if I had it. Just off the cuff in the back of the comedy story. He goes, I'll tell you what I would do. I would shoot you first and get you the fuck out of there before anybody even noticed. I went home and I go, what a brilliant fucking idea. That's how you get people to trouble something shit off your set.

Why would you have me there till seven if you know I'm going to break your balls? Just get the fuck out of there. You know, it's like Tracy Morgan. You think Tracy Morgan, they shot Tracy Morgan and got him out of there. I guarantee you. Next time I see him, I'll ask him. I guarantee he would go in by eight and leave by 12 and all the women would come at 12 just because he says crazy shit. You know what?

You're going to get crazy shit out of him. That's the artist that he is, the fucking comic that he is. He's dangerous. You want a funny guy? Some of them got to be dangerous. But then what happens when you have actors who get in trouble like a Lindsay Lohan or whatever? Because that means you're kind of enabling them in a way, right? People have gone in trouble with the Charlie Sheens and Lindsay Lohan to a degree that gets dangerous, I think.

Listen, I'm not talking about drug use here. I'm talking about comedy dangerous. People who are buck wild on a set. The worst thing I'll do on a set out of respect for anyone on that set is smoke pot. I would never go to a set with alcohol in my breath and I would never snore coke and go to a set even when I was doing blow. I would never go on a set like that. And there are people who do that? I could imagine that.

I don't know. I've never seen them. I've never heard of it. But why not? Sometimes I drink a little. On the set? No, not on the set. I'm like on a TV set?

No, when you're doing a movie. Oh, fuck, I'll never do nothing like that. Listen, NBC signs a show. You're on the show as a comic. They do a hundred episodes. Right. Somewhere along the line, you got to moderate your behavior to that show. Yeah.

And it sucks and the fucking anti whatever in you says fuck all this shit. But you got two options. You do two years, you make a little bank and you get off. And you do it like a gentleman. Did I know that when I was 35, 33 when I first moved here? Fuck no. I see it now and I'm telling you. If you don't want to be on the show, just say after two years, I don't want to be on this show.

But don't fucking blow it up and then nobody else is going to hide. Yeah, your reps on the line. Then nobody else is going to hide. Oh, it's going to take a year or two for somebody to go give him a chance. He's grown up since then, which usually does. Listen, that fucking dude, Iron Man, you know, this was a dude that was going off. He went off. Got to be 15 years.

What's his name? De Niro. No. No, Robert Downey Jr. Robert Downey Jr. De Niro. That guy is fucked right now. Robert Downey Jr.

That dude slipped. Had to be 15 years. Had to be 15 years. Brilliant. The guy is fucking, watch less than zero. Watch couple fucking movies. I can't remember right now because I'm high as fuck. But less than zero is one of those movies, man, where he brought his addiction to the stage.

It's like ninth. You ever see that movie? He sucks dick. No way. Bro, he sucks dick in that movie. Damn. The dude comes and picks him up and drops him off to suck dick. He's foaming from the mouth.

Oh yeah. He goes deep in that fucking movie. Rob's family goes into his family's house. The family throws him out. This fucking thing is foaming. I'm sitting there going, who the fuck does that remind you? This guy hit it on the goddamn... If you did blow and you fiended and you fucked people over, when you watched that movie, your heart stopped.

She's like, this motherfucker just gave me my autobiography. He did the negative job. Was it the writing or was it his performance? Less than zero. Less than zero? Yeah, they'll have a scene in there when they come get him or something. I did Opie and Anthony and James Spader was on the show. Oh, okay.

And he was the coat dealer in that. You know, you can't even imagine him as a coat dealer. I mean, it was like a 19 California drug dealer. You know what I'm saying? Like it wasn't a... He wasn't like a dog. I got in the fucking cab the other day with some cab driver from like Bolivia. Oh, yeah.

He was on the East Coast. And this motherfucker went off about two nationalities, Dominicans and Cholos. He goes, I love Mexican people, but fucking Cholos, they're no good. They're no good. No ceiling. All right. Less than zero late. We got a bad rap right now.

Right there. That second one. Right there. Look at him. He was a baby. Oh, yeah. He was 28 because it was... It has to be.

I can't... 90 maybe? What year is it? He's a dope fiend in this? Fuck yeah. Like the white... I'll start again. No, like the white version of Chris Rock in New Jack City?

No, just as bad. Damn. Gaddley, what's going on here? Kick that fucking mule, cock sucker. Let's see if they show the coke scenes. Oh, this is a video for the fucking song. Oh, it's not. It's all right.

You know what's cool is he donated like, excuse me, a million dollars in TV plasmas. Less than zero. The movie rumors right there, the fourth video on the way down. Okay. He donated what? I'm sorry. No, it's cool. He donated plasmas to the L.A. County Jail because he stayed there for a little bit.

He put two million bucks. They had plasmas in all the day room. See? Yeah, he checked, you know. Oh, there's another fucking video. Oh, they keep messing with you, God damn. Look at James Spader with the red shirt on playing coke dealer. Do you want to see?

That's on the heart. Yeah, they got no videos for it. Don't worry about it. Why does he share to some of these motherless fucks? Yeah, he's such like an Orange County looking drug dealer. Like he... Yeah, this is... This is Beverly Hills.

Yeah, like... This is Beverly Hills and whatnot. But it was an interesting movie and that guy went through hell all those years. Remember when they found them Palm Springs with the Cat Woman suit or Wonder Woman suit and the closet and shit? You know, that means the hooker was coming over and he was dressing her up. 87. 87.

Who do you think you're dealing with? Joey Bananas? That movie came out and I went to prison. Oh, fuck. I remember that when I saw that movie, I was waiting to get sentenced and I'm watching him and I'm going... And so I was doing last night foam from the mouth just like that, walking around my room, crawling, looking under the fucking door, like an asshole jerking off to death.

For what? For what? Yeah, man. The craziest shit I've done is like go outside and like make my neighbor's motion lights go on. You ever just walk by the house to see if their lights work? That's the craziest shit I've done. When you're cooked up?

That's crazy for me, though. I wouldn't leave the house. Yeah, I have to because I feel like entrapped. Like when I'm outside, it's free, there's air, I could smoke. So that's back in the day, though. No, I couldn't do that shit and go outside. You know, man, it's the last couple of weeks I've been getting emails. I got like two a week and they want it in depth.

Like, I know people and when people's emails and I have to write them back, listen, man, at this time, we don't have that kind of time of paperwork. I could scroll for two hours, you know, and it bothered me when I gave people that reply. When people go, can you please tell me how you got your life together after prison or can you please help me? I'm trying to get my life together. I don't know how to fuck to do it. Can you please go and take your time and detail it for me?

And I go, you know, I just don't have it because 50% is I don't know how I did it. You know what I'm saying? I don't know how I did it. You know, I did comedy until it beat up the crime. I was still shoplifting and doing stupid shit. And then when I moved to LA, I wasn't doing no crimes, but I was doing dumb shit. Like taking lighters from Curson, that 7-Eleven in there. Just trying to get by, you know.

You're 7-Eleven down the street, put the lighters under the counter now. Did they? Which one? The one on Magnolia. I clipped them for a lighter a month out of respect when they break my balls. When the guy's putting a pizza in and I got to wait there for 5 minutes, like my lighter's going down. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

And it's so weird how you do it because they actually see it in your hand and when they ring it up, you put it in your pocket and take the cash out. And they don't know if you're a magician. They don't want to accuse you. They know you're a regular and they just shake their head like, this motherfucker got me for a lighter. You ain't gonna fuck a nice ass with my nickel. You know what I'm saying?

I saw at the scary one on Chandler, the guy hit on a girl and he wasn't having anything. He got pissed when she lived. Oh, sure. That's ISIS. Bro, that's the craziest one ever. When they hit on the girls? No. On Chandler and Laura Kennedy. It's called ISIS?

No, it's called 7-11. Holy shit, I was like, what the fuck? But it's ISIS. It's called 7-11. Oh, it's like they're little underground fuckers. You can tell. It's one that they gave it to them and said, you know, clipped like the owner and the two owners in the back bled out.

They haven't carried them to the 170 yet. They're still in the back tied up bleeding. And they just go in there. We don't even know what they're doing. What do you want to say to that? Yeah. Yeah. Where's Madman?

Madman went back to India. He'll call you what he thinks. It's been 14 months. He had problems with visa, him, his wife. They were nice people. Yes, they were. It's fucking crazy. And I'm playing like the music wasn't on,

but yeah, he was just hitting on her heart. But there's a young guy that's kind of a good looking. The one with the hair? I don't know. Does he have the turban on? I think he does. But I think sometimes he just has a ponytail. Yeah.

There's one guy that's kind of nice in the daytime. But the chick that works there is Mexican with a lot of teeth. She's Isis. Oh, yeah. She's Mexican Isis? She's a fucking evil bitch. She's just not nice. For a Spanish chick not to be nice or smile,

they already brainwashed her. She got good paperwork. What did she do? What did they do? What did they call it? Radical Isis? Yeah, they already. They already radicalized them.

I didn't know it was Mexican Isis. No, they rasalized them. Well, if you look at what's going on right now in the East Coast, Isis is shaving their beads. But the Mexicans and the Spanish people in Hudson County are living their beers long. Why? Because everybody wants to be fucking the star.

Everybody wants to be fucking hip and have a fucking beard now. And when they're your color, they can't tell the cops. So when you get shot, don't come crying to me. You had that fucking beard. First off, you're Spanish. You got to disrespecting Apple with Castro and shit. You want to grow fucking beard like Alibaba. I get emotional.

I'm sorry about beards. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes beards bother me because I don't know the purpose of them. Like when Harry had a beard. He was my goomba, but I couldn't really run with him with a fucking beard. Why you got a beard for it? Yeah, I can't fuck with that. What's the point?

If you're a Hasidic Jew, all right. Grow the beard. Let it go. Fuck it. I'm with you. But you're a fucking Mexican dude with a fucking beard. What Mexican has a fucking beard? When?

Who? When? Show me. Fucking Viva Sipata? Who? Who had a fucking beard? Really, Quinn? What are they allowed to have?

Mustaches? Mustaches. Yeah. Mustaches. Deep fucking mustaches. There's two guns under their planchos. It's called a brocha. A brocha.

A fuckly. Well, it's just really weird. But what do you think the main ingredient was and you staying in the straight narrow and you know. Wow. Well, you know what? First, getting out was like adjusting and knowing that there was a consequence if I went back.

Like when you get out, it's a 90 day violation to go back. Like, no matter what, any parole violation. So I already had something like bordering me and then at the same time, you know, I had a daughter, man. I had sons and I was like, I'm done bullshitting. And it's just like how you said, you know, here and there, I fuck around. Like it's hard because we have bad habits, bad habits of stuff we know we can get away with.

Like I'm not going to get caught for this. I'm going to get away with it. That was the hardest habit that I had to like, you know what? I'm not going to fight no more, man, just like to say no to walk away. Those were the hardest, weird habits because I've always got away with it. How often were you getting in fights? Dude, when I got out of prison, people were like just messing with me, but they weren't. I thought they were because I still had that like, hey, dog, don't step on my shoe.

Like, don't look at me like that. It was weird. Okay. I had a fucked up thing happen yesterday to me. We went to the Dodgers game and we were sitting, Paul got these seats and there was like three guys next to him and they were Mexican and they were, and I left once to go get drinks and I came back and she said, he said something, not like two, not two, but just like, hey, why aren't you smiling?

Like trying to like maybe hit on her a little bit and in my head I was like, I should say something, but then again, I'm by myself with, he has three friends, I don't really want to get stabbed, but I felt like an asshole. And then I was like, oh, then, well, this is why you do did to, but even what you did so I couldn't, that wouldn't be good for me. Not at a Dodger game. So, yeah, not at a, so that's the thing. So like, but I was like, I felt like I feel fucked up about it.

I feel like I should have just been like, hey man, like at least said something, but I don't know. It's just, it's, I understand that. I went through those tickets. She got them. Group on. I mean, they even have group on tickets. Yeah.

I mean, they have, for the last game, they've been schooling on, well, she got them months ago for her mom, but then her mom's in Mexico for two weeks. I mean, I love to know what it costs for me to go to a game and not get fucking harassed. Well, I love to know what it costs for me to take my wife and daughter and not feel like a fucking victim in there. Right. You have to get like booze. And I said to you before you went, I go, ah, you know, anytime somebody tells me to go

on an event like that now, a fucking dodge a game, a Ram game, you know, the other place you don't get beat up is at Laker games. Why not? I never understood that. Anaheim, they've already had beeps the first two or three weeks, security, people, raider fans are writing, fighting raider fans. Yeah. Well, Laker games is like warriors, like everyone just meets up, all the gangs, they all wear

the same shit. Lakers is Lakers. Nobby's ever been shot in the way he is here. You're right. I've never. No, because it's a basketball game. It's got to be the gangs. I don't know what gangs are out there.

I'm not fucking gangland. The only one I remember is got to be at least 10 years ago, the Indiana one where they went into the state and where they like, oh yeah, that was when Ron R. Tess went in the stands and started beating people up. That's the only thing I can remember. We're talking about two motherfuckers shooting each other in an NBA game. Well, I think I was a kid. That's his name.

Took a gun out of an NBA game, but that was completely different. Marvin Bad News Barnes had a neck game when he got ejected and shit, but that motherfucker, you know, he got stopped in 10 airports in his career for carrying 10 guns and she didn't give a fuck on a Marvin Bad News Barnes and shit. Jesus Christ. That's fucking crazy. Yeah. I mean, even in high school football games and all that, but yeah, never NBA game.

That's weird. You know, I would, my agent said to me, I have boxing or whatever, season ticket. So does Bert Kreischer. So does Bert Kreischer. You know, I sit there and I go, why would, you know, if there's nine home games, you're going to get clocked in the head one time, the odds are against you. Nine times you got to go down there park and walk in there. One of those nine times you're going to get with a pretzel or a punch to the fucking head.

What if you, you know, I mean, now they're beating you up even if you're the home team they're coming to your stadium and beat you up. That's who gets beat up now. The home team, the home team gets beat up. They coming out with their little jerseys on. There you go. You want to win nothing. No more.

You're going to win the fucking hospital. It's fucking crazy. So you know what? That is zaps me the fuck out of there. But do you think green base like that? I don't think green base like that. Like, well, not yet. LA is like it's too cold to act like stupid and green bed.

You get smacked in the face in the winter time. That stays with you for a fucking lifetime. You ever get smacked in the wind outside? No, no, I did. It's not pretty getting with a basketball in the nose in the winter time after you've been outside for an hour. That's fucking with gloves on with the fingertips cut off so you can handle the ball and the ball don't bounce because it's frozen.

How about that one for you? You just got to pass the ball and you go to shoot the ball. Somebody fouls you. You have no idea in the winter time when it's like to hear this on a frozen face when you hear this on a frozen face. What about putting playing football and just catching the ball when it's freezing out? Listen, it's a nightmare, even with the fucking patch. Even as a kid, when it's like when you're playing two hand touch.

So when I was a kid, I went through the car windows. I'm still taken. All right, when you were a kid with the car windows, listen, they used to play street hockey and giving that terrace. And one day I thought I was cool when I put the fucking you had to go to Tom McCann and get NHL sneakers. They looped different. They did the thing.

I went up there and those days sneakers cost what? 12 bucks for sneakers cost twenty two, twenty three. I bought those things like Dean LaParis, these crazy white dudes. Talk me into playing street hockey. And next thing I went down, I didn't know what was going on. Next thing you know, bro, the game ended. What a fucking car glass broke your fucking head because they would tackle you against the car.

And one day we played some lunatics from some other street and some kids had got busted, some kids leg, he slid and it got caught under the car. Wasn't moving. You know what I mean? I was parked, but he got caught on like ice and his leg went under it and he held up. So he broke his own fucking leg because he had his arm as he went in and you heard the leg go down and all of a sudden yelling when you're fucking 12 and 10, you can't go and then one time they checked me.

Is that what that's called? Yeah. When they check you. Yeah. And my head went in. I didn't buy the glass. Were you wearing a helmet? Oh, yeah, you should have seen me with my fucking helmet. If you showed up in those days with a helmet, they'd let you put it on and then they fucking take it off and beat you with it and take it in the fucking alley.

I played three hot. I played three hockey three times. And that was it. Did you even have a stick? He's around. No, I bought the whole thing. You know me in those days, I was robbing my stepfather's lawyer phone. I'll take two twenties and go right to Journal Square and get a fucking hockey stick. The gloves, I had everything.

I was ready to play. Just buy the helmet then. Because in those days, you didn't wear helmets. Lee at Street Hockey. That's why you have a fucking fruit cake. You can't show up in a fucking helmet. Yeah, they have sticks. I didn't.

Lee, I didn't know. I'm 10 and 11. 10 year olds are crazy. I'm sure someone hit someone in the head with a stick. I want you to give me the psychology. I'm 10 and 11. Right. I just got thrown out of Catholic school.

I needed friends. For beating up the nun. I was Spanish. Nobody's Spanish wanted to hang out with me because I was crazy. We did numbers. My family did numbers. They did santerias and Spanish people stayed away from me. So I finally found a little group of white kids that would let me hang out with them and shit.

You know what I'm saying? And that's how it falls. That's it. That's how it works out. I told you, I went down there three times and that was it for me. They were fucking street animals. They were street animals. I couldn't do that.

Did you play any other sports with them? Like, did you guys play football, baseball? We played football and all that stuff. Listen, I played like a, I never, I never played nothing in North Bergen because by the time I even got integrated in North Bergen, it was too late. I was 12 or 13. I had been away at school at Catholic school. I got thrown out in the sixth grade.

So I got thrown out in the fifth. I didn't hit North Bergen until the sixth grade. Even though I had lived there as the 73. I went to school somewhere else and everything I did was in the city. Like we used to play football with shoulder pads, but no pants. I was semi. You fucking kids. That's what I did.

No, I liked all that stuff. I was basically a basketball guy. I didn't know what he was doing. And I would go to other towns because in those days, in the 70s, it was loose. If I had a cousin that lived in Glendale, I used his address and play Glendale. Right. If Lee Syat lived in fucking North Hollywood, I used Lee Syat. So I would have t-shirts from all those towns. I would go to all those leagues.

My mother had a ball in the city. My dad had a business in West New York. You follow me? We had a house in North Bergen. He was local. My friend had a fucking garage in Guttonburg. We knew everybody. So when we played, I played in all those leagues until they found out and drew me out.

Playing the field. I was at the same way you get better at basketball. I would go to all those little fucking things, say the Anthony C.Y.O. I would go all the way down there and take the bus or take my bicycle. You'd play on multiple teams in a year? At the same time. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's basketball season, so one league would be on Tuesday nights.

The other league would be on Wednesday nights. The other league would be on Thursday nights and there'd be a league on Friday night. What would you say when they say, hey, what do you have for science? But I don't know. I go to St. Joe's or something. I would make something up. I would make something up. All you needed was an address.

All you needed was an address. Where do you go to school? As long as you live in that township, you go to school in Jersey City. They don't give a fucking plan to wreck it. Oh, right. So the practice started at 6.30. I would play wherever my school was till 5.30. Practice gets out, right?

School ends at 3. Practice starts at 3.35. I would eat something, take a bus, the other fucking rec center. Boom, play next night. And I remember when I went to, you know, three seconds is a three second violation is when you stand in the way. Oh, yeah, standing in the key. One of my most rotado moments in my life was I had the shirt.

I had the basket. I had the limousines for the feet and shit that matched my shirt and shit. Never mind you got limousines for the feet, but if you have limousines for the feet that match your shirt, forget about it. Forget about it. And then you have the shorts. I had the knee pads, like Julia serving. I knew how to play basketball, but I didn't really know the rules.

I had played, I had played, I had played street basketball. And the street basketball, if you don't have the ball, you can sit under the net. Yeah. So I'll never forget them picking me like this guy's bad ass. Like some dudes like we saw him doggie jams. Because again, it's not how many people you should, it's who you shoot. I would get ready. I would do all that shit just to get ready for Saturday down at Gilmore school

because there was a kid at Gilmore school. His name was Dracula and he was six foot two and he slammed dunked. And all the rep and all the rep, all the, if you really were good at basketball, you went down in Saturdays. Never mind if you got picked, you didn't see the ball. You just play defense. But just to be on drags team and talk shit by your homie. Shit, what'd you do?

So I was hanging with Drack. We beat these motherfuckers 16 to he slammed dunk. I fed him an alley. You I blocked the shot. You didn't do that. I didn't do that. I just ran back and forth. I'm open.

Nobody even gave me the fucking ball. You kid. Did you ever get picked? I got picked because I had a hustle and I would die, but nobody gave me the fucking ball. I mean, good game. Come on. We're back up again. This time I'll give me the ball.

And you say to the dog, I was open in the wing. I got a deadly 12. You know what I'm saying? How old were they? Like 18, probably dad be 15, 16. I'm just a fucking mope, 12 year old, but having fun. And they would say, listen, dog, we're going to give you the ball on the side. You'd be way not there.

Like a fucking like a kid on Sunday waiting for your step dad to come and pick you up. You'd be out there. Well, it was fucking brutal guys. It's like comedy, man. It's like comedy. First three years of comedy. Nobody picks you for dick.

Nobody picks you for dick and your buddies get picked all around. And you're sitting there like a fucking circle, Facebook. No, I look at what you're doing. I see the rap battles. I see the comedy central thing. Yeah, man. I'm just okay and grinding hard. You know, it's cool.

I stopped doing all those little fundraisers and car wash shows and all that. Not that they're bad, but I just said, I'm going to go to store and get better, be around better and be around the best. And it's, it's nothing so far, but it's something, you know, I'm happy from what I'm getting and I'm grateful and I'm just going to keep pushing. You know, you know, the toughest thing and anything is just to get it. And then you prove yourself and then people take to you little by little and that's in any field.

Exactly. You know, people want all this quick recognition and shit. You go there, you get there on time, you do your job. And next, you know, people start looking at you going, you know what? Call Lee. We'll fucking do it. Yeah. And next, you know, he's got a calling.

He's got an extra fucking gig and somebody else easily. And that's basically what this is. When I got here, I used to look at people go away. My girlfriend didn't feel good. And I go, we're doing comedy, bro. It's kind of what you're girlfriend. You're up there by yourself on the mic. You give your girlfriend, Michael.

Okay. And you're a shot of Michael and you fucking disappear for two hours. Two hours is all you need a night. Yeah, straight up. Especially if you have friends, they copy you. George, I really need a spot tonight, bro. My wife's been sick for three days. Can you hook me up for seven minutes just to try this new joke?

I went, oh, people will fuck you up. Fuck yeah. And when I first got here, my mentality was I was out every night. Every night. You know, I once heard that when you go to AA, they say the first 90 days when you come out of a rehab are the most crucial, the first 120 days. You have to go to AA meetings, 120 days in a row, at least two meetings a day. I looked at that as comedy.

I really did until it overcame everything. I was fucking hungry, too. I lived in a car too, dog. I took showers at the store at Coke. Big deal. You got to fucking do something with your life. You have to give something to it. But that's just going to open up the fucking factory for you.

Unless you're with three arts or APA or CAA. And at that time, those people wouldn't even fucking walk in the room where I was. So, but I'm still fucking mesmerized by you. The how long have you been out for now? Six years, six years, November 21st. I'm saying I keep tabs on you. So when we met, you were just getting out like a year. Yeah.

That's crazy. It's it's really funny. Like I was noticing with you and Agostino and because I've been around. I get I've gotten to see like a lot of like great shows with Joey over the over the years. And it's it's it's actually been really cool to see the same people who have been on the shows. Like get better. Like it's it's like, oh, it's like because you if I haven't seen you for a while and then I get to see you and I love people.

People will come up to me like I heard you laughing back there. I love going to the shows and giggling and laughing. So it's it's really cool because you come to me. Look, you're always at like at least one show a year usually with Joey. So it's cool to get to see you and like, oh, thank you. The difference between like five and six years. Oh, fuck. Yeah. You know, it's it's like how Joey said, you just go five times a week and you give it out.

And one thing he told me other times, right. He's like, right, get the fuck up, right. It doesn't matter when you do it, do it and keep working on it and it gets better. I'm fucking high as fuck right now, guys. You know, it's I sat with William a couple of times to help me with the special. You know, you do comedy 25 years, you think, you know, all the fucking angles. And then I sat with that fucking genius cardiologist of a fucking writer, because that's what he is, a cardiologist of fucking writing just little things.

And I've been catching myself on stage doing it. Oh, because you close, say that line and then go into it. So make that, that line go into it. So sometimes fucking Lee looks like a terrorist, you know, fucking terrorist. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, just it's just a role, little things that you learn from people and you pick up, you know. But I tell you, to answer your question, the one I asked you that was has been killing me. You know, I really think that sticking to your guns

is the most important thing to turn your life around. And when I say sticking to your guns, you're going to understand this, George, when you stick to your guns, people who loved you, some of them, you're going to shake away. Because they don't understand where you're coming from. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I kind of feel that already. It's like, you're coming to your, you're coming, I'm your old buddy. And I know you love me and I got love for you and I want you to be a comic.

But guess what, bro? You were gone for fucking two years and now to smoke with fucking Lee. That motherfucker never brings rolling papers. He comes over, he's my mother's left over, this is shit. I want to talk to you and shit, you know. So now I want to come over Tuesday night and all of a sudden you're like, hold on one second before you light that joint, I got to go. And people, what about that party on Saturday?

Can you make my party? I got three shows in Bray that night, you know, and all of a sudden it's like, I'm getting married. Can you do this? Can you do this? And all of a sudden your availability list starts falling off. So people start looking you differently. I had a batch of friends and it haunts me every day.

I loved them dearly. We partake with each other. We gave to one another. It was a commune. 1440 Gardner will always go down in my heart. I drive by there whenever I go to Hollywood night beep. Even though everything has changed in the building, that building means more to me than anything.

That's the old one you used to live in, right? All of us. No. Okay. I didn't know that was Schrader. Gardner is El Compagre. Okay. Whenever you hear all my El Compagre stories, it was that building there.

First person. Who was it? You, Ralphie. The first person to ever have an apartment there was a kid that moved to Alaska. And he gave the apartment to Doug Stanhope. Oh, shit. Doug Stanhope had his apartment on Curse on and this apartment on Gardner, which is two blocks away from each other.

And Doug would go over there at night and just have little parties. And then when Ralphie came to town in 99 and 98, 98, Doug said, Ralphie, stay here. Oh, cool. Ralphie stayed there first. John Westling stayed with him. Jody Frederick lived with him and I lived with him. I lived in the corner by the floor, right on the floor that the roaches would crawl on me and the whole thing.

But then as the people came out from Houston, Jody got an apartment in the building. That's just a gentry guy in the apartment in the building and another friend from Houston, Celine lived in the building. Then our other friend Gavin moved in the building. So that was only one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight apartments and five of them were us. Oh, do you follow me? Yeah, you run that shit.

So Celine, now I didn't have an apartment. You just were like, like the moment I just went to wherever there was a couch or a bed. So Jody and Gentry would travel and they would leave me the keys to their apartment. And I would sweep the apartment. You know, I would take care of it. I don't like people over my place. Anyway, at night, you know, maybe something was stolen.

I wouldn't. And then when Jody would come back, Celine would be shooting Jamie Kennedy's show and they'd be out of town and I would stay there on the couch for three days. Damn. Then Ralphie would fucking be out of town for two weeks. It was it just worked out. It was just such a and you went in some refrigerators or some days they had food and some days you went to the stormboard food and people cooking for you.

It was something that it was two years of my life that that's why I let the bum on fire. That's why I did so much evil. You know, that compagny was right there. I was in the heyday of my cocaine addiction. But wasn't for me, my wife. I would have died in that fucking building on the roof because I would go to the roof laying at night and snort and bring people up there and freaks and shit. That became what's nice on you.

So that's where you were before you met your wife. Yeah. Geez. That's a 99 Gavin Boyd moved into the building. I was in 98. Gavin Boyd, I was going on the road for six weeks and on the second week of the road, I got a call from Gavin when you come back, you have a place to sleep. Full time. You can sleep on my couch.

I got one bedroom and I'm going to need you here to look after shit just little by little. So when I got back there, I stayed in Gavin's. But Gavin had the dog and they were pissing on me when I was sleeping. And he would open the door in the daytime and talk loud when you fucking sleep. And you know, I'm walking at six and he's on the phone at eight talking to people, opening up the door, asking me if I'm hungry. No, I'm not fucking hungry. I'm still coming down with that blow.

I didn't fucking check the god damn morning. The doctor. So when I met Terry, I was on the road pretty much like I met Terry in July. And a week later, I went on the road to New York, Syracuse, Buffalo. And I came back and I would see Terry for two or three nights. I go on the road, but I still live with Gatton. And then one time I asked Terry, can I come over and do lunch? Yeah, I never left.

That's what you make fun of me when you're saying, oh, I've been planning to move in with Paul. You're like, yeah, I just brought laundry and never left. Yeah, you just bring laundry and you never leave. What's this? This is my everything. I mean, everything. This is everything.

Let's hang it up. Where the heck is that? But that was a house I'll never forget. I mean, I had all my paperwork was going over there. I didn't change my license till like 2000 fucking 10th from 2000 from 98. My license was over there always because of the cops are looking for me. They go to and they come find me. Yeah, exactly.

I said, at least get 20 minutes of time. So what would you do? That's actually kind of interesting when you were like acting and stuff and living in hotels. Do you have like a P.O. Box or what? I was getting my mail there at Gavin's for years. Yeah, sometimes I have I've had I had a P.O. Box in Boulder. I got a P.O. Box now, you know, but I always had a little something like I always

have Gavin's when you when you sign up with Sag, you can't have a P.O. Box. You got to have a physical address. Really? What if you keep moving? Then you have to put in change of address and good luck on your residual checks. Yeah, that's 90 day turnaround bits. So the more you move, the more your checks are moving around. So you got eight checks coming to you and you have four and put fucking four losses.

And that takes an extra 90 fucking days. So you don't get your money for 180 days. Fuck you. Uncle Joey did that already. I don't move that much, bitch. And then you know what they do? They'll send you bills to that place. And when you don't pay him, you get a letter at your new place.

So how they send you a bill and you didn't pay all that dirty motherfuckers. Then the insurance will do the same thing. They'll send the bill to your old address. And when you don't pay it, don't add a dentist. Maybe six years ago, I went to the dentist and he was doing Joey. You know, root canal and just go down the corner and tell him I sent you. He'll do it right now. Like, what are you talking about?

I've never heard that. I thought you were dead to steal it. He goes, oh, we don't do that here. I had to get up, stop what I was doing, pay the bitch for what the fuck I just did and walk down a block and a half with a smock on like an idiot. And fuck with somebody and go to a fucking dentist. And he pulls it out. He goes, what do you have one?

You know, I gave him three bills cash. I never heard from the guy again. They do it, though. Yeah, he did it. No problem. The guy was great. We had a great time. We giggled and shit. I never heard from the guy again.

He goes, I don't know what's going to cost you. What do you got? And I go, there's three bill of difference insurance. Never heard from the guy again. Excuse me. I'm shooting a fucking commercial for Sprint and the phone rings. It's a collection agency with this fucking moron. He sent the bill to like an address when I lived in New Jersey.

When I was before I went to prison. I swear to God, I go, when did you get that address? I mean, well, this is the address my assistant found online. That I came to you in California. Why would I have a fucking New Jersey address? Wow, you motherless fuck. Are you stupid? I made him call the credit bureau.

I keep having creditors sent to me for the clinic that I go to. Because you can't go to a dog. If you get sick here, you can't go to the doctor. They say, OK, we can give you an appointment in two weeks. So every time I go, I say, how much is it going to be? And they always say nothing. I don't get a bill and then I get a collection agency notice and I have to go online and fucking pay it.

It's crazy. No, it's a shit system, man. Yeah, I haven't bought shit since I've been out, like with a credit card or nothing. But my credit's completely going to be good in a year because after seven years. You got an ATM card? No. Well, you got an ATM card and build it up a little bit. Oh, yeah, I mean, I'm like a card to Amazon or the shit online.

OK, you know, build up, show that you, you know, dog. Listen, I'm not a spy. In 1991. In 1993, George, and I've told this story before, I couldn't go anywhere. Dang, are you on the run? No, I didn't pay a credit card. Oh, not one of them. The only thing I did was sold the condo, everything else.

I fucking did it legally. They got my car. They got everything American Express visa, mastercard, diners, club, discover, discover this account was closed. And I went and wrote one of those checks. They send you when you get the card. Bam cash in that midnight for a thousand GBO 901 Monday. The bank's calling me that account was closed.

We could throw you in jail, but you can't. You cash the bitch. Yeah. That's my money. That's like the business law number one. They put a check in your mailbox. That bitch belongs to you until you figure it out. Jesus Christ. It's fucking crazy.

You can't do that shit no more, though. Well, I fucked everybody. I couldn't go to a comedy club. Like if I would fucking have a web page for years, I couldn't. I wouldn't advertise for years. It got to the point where they would know like they knew I was at the broker and they would call the broker every Tuesday.

This is not even six months after I got separated, bro. I'd be at the bar and the phone would be ringing. Joey for you. Hello. Hey, this is Bill. Joey, what's going on? How's comedy going? Listen, you'll discover eight hundred dollars. We'll take sixty to fifty and they call the next Tuesday.

We didn't get you a check. It was a five go to comedy works. They fucking started calling the comedy works. That's fucking crazy. A new talent night, though. So they were calling the day time. Is Joey Diaz going to be in tonight? Yep. And they would call me or leave a message credit bureau

and then the fucking management would give me a slip. I'm dying for my life. He has an open mic and I'll leave messages from them. I'll pay my fucking bills. God damn it. They're on it like so on it. It breaks your fucking heart and embarrasses. But that's how deep I went, though. Glad to cancel everything.

I got a P.O. box in those days in Boulder. I started getting letters in there. They found out where the P.O. box was. I was a split and I never responded to zero. Well, some of my wife went on the computer like two years after we were together. She was like, all right, let's clean this shit up. And she started writing letters to these motherfuckers little by little.

And I always kept the credit card for 250, even if it was high interest, just to show like it pay. Zales always give you a card. All right, go to Zales tomorrow, buy something for 300. You know, you could get $10 for it if you were selling. But that's the way and everything you buy is going to be 42 percent interest. But who gives a fuck? You pay it all for a year.

That comes up in your credit. And that's what I did. I had a Zales card. I bought knickknacks for my wife and I had a fucking ATM card. And then I had a card for $500. Some fucking moron company sent me. But I read, you know, it was taking cash advances on that for weed. When the weed store first opened, it would cost me fucking

sixty two dollars to pull out of 20. I almost went nuts. Damn. But that's how bad I was. But you know what? I could walk into any motherfucking joint today and go, yo. Zero down. Exactly. Two to ten a month. That's how banging the credit is, bro.

That was 21 years ago. Don't even bring it up, bitch. I've been work. I've been trying to get mine better. Like mine was good for a while, but it's it's been like a little bit low for a little bit. Like it dipped a little bit and it's fucked up. Because every time every time you go in a new car, it's like they check your credit. So every time you pull up your credit, it affects you.

Yes. Let's say you're a mutt and you think you're cute and you go to all these dealers to get a dollar off. Every time they pull your bureau and then I know you bet. So as soon as I rip it out, I look down and go, this much better. Not Hollywood. You've been a Glendale Toyota, Hollywood Toyota, Mercedes Toyota, this guy's a bum. Yeah. And I'll tell him to his face.

Don't what's the problem here? You got good credit. You looking for a dollar off. It's over. This is what you're paying for the car. You went to five places. They told you, you know, you think we're going to bend your fucking dummy. Take the two forty nine. Well, they will.

My car is worth eight thirty eight hundred. Listen, your car is worth sixteen hundred eighteen. If I light it on fire, you know what I'm saying? That's what I'm going to give you. I'm going to sell you my car for bare bones because people don't understand. Like they're like, well, if you say to me, well, I want the money off. I can't give you both and I give you the money off, but then you still got to take eighteen for my car. No, no, no, no.

Yeah. Yeah, I give you three thousand. Oh, right. Now you got to give me. So what do you want for your car? Thirty eight. Well, you got to be eighteen. Because I got, you know what I'm saying? But people never understood that. They're like, no, I wanted that price and I want thirty eight for my car. Well, you went to ten fucking places.

The guy did nothing. How long did you sell cars for? I remember you were telling me used to be a car salesman like a year here. Then I would get into comedy and then I would feel bad about comedy. I'd do it for three months and say, what the fuck am I doing? How can I have a job if I'm going to be a comic altogether? I sold cars altogether, maybe three years. And was it like hourly and commission?

If you get hourly and commission, if you get hourly after about three months, they tell you to get the fuck out of there. You're a failure. Because you only get hourly when you don't sell enough cars. Yeah, when you don't sell cars. I didn't even know. So it's what's minimum wage today in California. It's like nine bucks.

All right. So you get 40 times nine. You get three sixty times four. Even if you work the eighty fucking hours, they don't give a fuck. You get paid for four. That's part of the training program. They give you a flat five hundred a week or something. But a moron could walk up there and make more than that the first week. If you really put your mind to it, just like anything else, bro.

Just like anything else. You know, the Augustino sold those fucking pens online for a long time. He was really good at it. He wasn't making bad money. He was walking out over fifteen, sixteen dollars an hour for five hours of work. You're home by one o'clock. But he knew that there was thirty bucks an hour in that motherfucker. The Augustino would have stayed another year.

That's thirty bucks an hour selling pens online. That's crazy. That's fucking crazy. You can make a buck fifty a day. That's three to seven fifty a week selling fucking pens online with the Augustino was working twenty hours a week. And you go take a nap and go out and do comedy. Yeah. That's not a bad game.

It would take you a year, eighteen months to do that. I I I've always like when you talk about selling cars, I don't know anything about cars. You don't need to know anything about anything. Yeah, you know, that's what people's problem is. That's where people get caught. That's why they always say a salesman gets ruined when he gets smart. Any salesman talking about any salesman in generality, any salesman.

I don't care if you sell insurance. I don't care if you're selling fucking computers. I don't care if you're selling. Any time you have a job on commission, you go through a big slump. And that's why people drop out because that slump is the first month is pure luck. It's mom's mom. You know, like the kid that comes to the house of the dog, my mom picked twelve out of twelve in the football pool.

She went five miles. Let me see that fucking witch do it again. You know what I'm saying? But it's always the first one or two times. My first month in the car, I saw 14 cars. Oh, so the next month I saw like 16. The next month I saw like 18. Then the next month I saw four.

I got smart. I went away from what they taught me. In the fifth month, I saw like six. I got frustrated. Then the sixth month, I saw like five and I quit and I went to another dealership. But I still brought the bad habits. And that dude took me back to basics. He explained to me that not knowing about the car.

Is beneficial. Not knowing about the product. You know why? Because now you got a reason to bring me in. And I'm the killer inside. You're the nice guy and I'm the big bad wolf. And I tell you all the time, that's what everything. Whether you're selling computers on the phone, you call me and I go,

let me see what my boss wants to do. Yeah, your boss don't exist. You're the boss. You're just trying to keep your fucking commission or make the sale for a bonus. But people are very confused when it comes to that shit, because you got to size out the guy and see what his buttons are. So George comes in for a fucking computer. He wants to know how fast it is.

He plays videos. He likes to play music on there. Now your computer jargo comes into that. But it's mixed with salesmanship. OK, all right. I don't know much about the computer. I don't know much about a cell phone. But let's pretend just for the sake of arguing.

I got a I got a list and your name came on at least I asked for insurance. You have no insurance. OK, I have no insurance, but I want a car. George Perez is one of the top insurance guys in the area in North Hollywood. But not only is George Perez kind of smart. George Perez knows that bird dogging is everything. So George Perez puts an ad at the coffee shop. Ten bucks an hour come to my office and call these leads from five to seven at night.

All right. So I come in. So if I fucking sell George, if I sell insurance, right, I'm not going to get you to look at me. If I sell George, I'm not going to fucking get you to listen to me. I got to sell the appointment. That's the most important thing. Because my job is to get George at the door.

You know why? Because I get ten bucks an hour. But I get ten dollars every time George gets an appointment, plus fifty bucks if he sells it that night. And if I send George on ten dollars, George's going to sell six dollars, motherfuckers. I used to make more money doing that job. Lee ever did anything else on the phone. So you didn't have to move. That was the worst thing about when I got that job.

It was too late in my life. Like I was leaving New Jersey. This job was like if I was here and I had to walk to the fire station. It was like stealing George. The guys like, listen, you want to come in at five? Are you coming from five tonight? You gave me ten bucks an hour. The guy was the guy got an American flag on his thing.

Flags everywhere. He was going to he was going to fucking do me down for a nickel this guy. Dog, every week he would give me fucking cash and my head would blow up. Damn, because it was 20 hours a week. And I was probably making. Eight, seven, fifty, eight hundred dollars. And I did. And that was from the beginning. Like in the beginning, the first week, I made like five, fifty, six, fifty.

Then I lingered about seven, fifty, seven, forty, seven, eighty, seven, seventy, five. It was always a straight figure to give me a print out and shit. And I go, wow, because after a week, I figured out it wasn't him or whatever. It was the appointment first, him back to the appointment, him back to the appointment, him back to the appointment, him back to the appointment, him our agency back to the appointment. You know what I'm saying? So it was always back to the appointment. What time can he be there tomorrow?

Well, I don't know what tomorrow. OK, Thursday night, it's a gender's open. He's in your neighborhood, six o'clock. Well, I'm not sure. I don't like strangers. Well, he can meet you at the coffee shop, you know, and I would just go and he would get three appointments a night on me. That's 15 bucks, you know, plus the fucking 25 plus the 50 for the bonus.

It was sensational guys has money. And so you never see you never actually sold one thing. But you just made one thing. I just sold motherfucking appointments. Yeah. An appointment. That's the most important thing about anything you may sell. You're going to sell one thing and you're going to stick with one thing. And you know, one thing with sales or anything else in life.

The more people I have contact with, the more I'm going to sell. I go out to bars Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm a twenty five year old good looking guy. I do steroids. I got a nice little job at Sprint. I live in my mother's basement, but it's do it up. I can fuck chicks over there. I got a car I'm making two twenty a month.

It's got the Chinese rims, firecrackers come up, you know what I'm saying? I go out every night. I know one thing that I didn't know the fucking 20. I didn't know this at 30. I forget that when I was too old and too fucking ugly, but the more women talk to the more women you're going to sleep with. When you go to a bar, if you're a pig and you just keep talking to girls, how are you? You asked ten of them for the phone number.

How many of them are going to give you a number? Just up the cup. Four of them. Just sell Tinder. You're on Tinder. Give me a shot. I'm not creepy. I'm from the neighborhood. I live down the corner. I've lived here all my life. Where'd you go to high school? I'm already. I went to North burial.

Let's do this together. Right over. Creepy dudes get numbers and they put them in their phone. And at night after they do three lines of coke, they start calling those numbers. Guess what? They went out three nights and they got 30 fucking numbers. Somebody's coming over to polish my helmet. Where's Tony better that week? 30 numbers. Somebody's coming over.

I can't imagine getting 30 numbers in a week. And that's crazy because I hear the nose. The more numbers it says. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. We got more stars. We do? Fifty milligrams. Those little cantons.

They're 150. They got. Sure, why not? I'm good. I'm high. Sure. Somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company. Wait and see.

I mean, I want to be around. Let me give some shout outs real quick. My main man, David, never as Paul Nolan, Steamboat Willie, Crystal Johnson, my little savage over in Utah, sending black savage shirts. Amy, another one or two. Avinado, Kevin Hordoff and Punch Drunk Podcast. Those motherfuckers always out there, banging out from Jason Tebow, the Sam Tripoli to my brother,

motherfucking, what's his name? Ari Shaffer. Ari Shaffer, the guy in Denby's, the guy in Dallas used to call him. Is Ari Shaffer coming with you this time? No, Ari Shaffer stayed home making fucking swirls. What the fuck? I don't know. How long have you known Ari, like 12, 13 years? Yeah, from the comedy store.

He was really young and he answered the phones and shit like that. And no matter what position I was in, I always liked talking to those guys, you know, because I wanted to see what they were going through, you know. You don't really know how bad you got it until you talk to somebody, you know, and you think you got it bad, you know. Brian Holtzman, when I talk Brian Holtz, I can't fucking believe I'm down here fucking 130 spot. And he goes, you don't want the spot.

Don't do it, put a sign up. You don't want the spot at 130. So many people sign up for that fucking spot. Yeah, you'll learn your lesson. That's the reals. That's the reals. We don't know how good we got it. So, you know, it's good to see what you're doing.

Listen, man, it's good that you're out of the system because you know, bro, once you get in that system, oh my God, Jesus Christ. And people have no idea. We talk all the time on this shit in the show. Once you get in the system, then bad luck takes over. Like you did something stupid, but then after that bad luck always has a weird way of showing up.

You know, like your cousin comes over, he needs a ride to get an ounce of blow. He'll give you an eight ball. Boom, the guy who delivered to the cops of that. It's got nothing to do with you. Then you got a case of bad luck. Then you're out on bail, everything's going good. And now you need money to pay the attorney.

That place used to rob all the time. Stereos, now you go. There's an asylum alarm as you're coming out. They don't really get you. They get your car. And now you're going to explain. It's just a case of bad luck. Then when you live fucking, they throw you out

because you haven't paid the rent. Then bad luck takes over. Then eventually you end up in the fucking system. And that's the reals in the beginning. It's bad luck mixed with a bad mistake. You know, okay, listen. I'm wrong. Sometimes people get a gun and go into a gas station

and shoot a clerk the first time. That's fucked up, you know? But nine out of 10, those people have done something before. They just didn't wake up one fucking day and say, I'm going to go get a gun. And it takes fucking a complete different style of fucking lunacy, you know? I can't imagine going on.

I've been thinking about it a little bit, but sometimes I even worry. I'm like, I don't know what would happen. Because then anyone can have a bad night. Like what if I had a fucking crazy bad night and then it could happen? Like someone's shooting you with a gun? I don't know.

People always say if you get stuff like that, it attracts it. So I don't know. But then again, you see, I don't know if you saw that video of that. I don't know if it was a store or a house, but three people broke in and then yeah, the chick had a gun and she killed him.

She killed him all. That was great. So that sounds like, fuck it, maybe I do need a gun. We've said it before on this show, only a fucking moron. Said I wouldn't at one time think of getting a gun for your home and your safety and your family. Hell yeah.

When you drive down your street and you see that guy in your corner or you drive down your street and notice that your light bulb is on in front of your building. There's so many little things. And you know what, man? There's so many people

that are willing to do something. Somebody was telling me in Jersey a few weeks ago. Like I got murdered because a gang went out that night. I said something. If you give them high beams, shoot them. Oh man. You know, shit like that. You never know no more guys.

No, it's true. But you know what? The situation is the other day I'm in New York and I'm sitting there and I'm waiting to get a cab. And you know what? I just want to sit there and breathe the city. Never just want to sit somewhere and breathe the city, a particular situation.

Enjoy the moment. And I'm sitting there watching. I go, you know what? What would happen? It was right now. Fucking Ali Baba pulled up here and took his jacket off and said, for the name of Christ, I'm killing myself.

With Joey Diaz, with George Perez, with Lisa Yat, immediately pull out a gun and shoot the guy in the head. Would you be that cool? Cause I'm in collective before he pulled the trigger. Which he's going to pull because it's Scott's tape to his fucking hand, or glue to his hand, his glove. Unless there was just training,

which I think if I got a gun, I'd have to go get training like that. Lisa Yat, do you know what goes through your heart? I'd bust a cap in his fucking ass. I know you would, George. But for most people. Yeah, they ain't been where we been. They don't got our training.

It's the reaction time. Okay, yes. In those situations, when you went, you know, I go to a place and I sit there for 10 minutes and I'm going to see something that's fucked up that Lee wouldn't even dream of seeing. I'm not saying 10 minutes. I'm exaggerating.

Let's say an hour. If I sit on New York City corner on a stoop eating a hot dog and reading the paper, and I just watch in one hour, I will see something illegal, two things illegal. That Lee will not say, you know, I had no body language. I know how fast you walk. You know, why?

Cause I did it. If I see you walk by twice, I know what you're doing. Oh yeah. Looking at something. You know, how you look at me to see if I'm watching you, where you stop. You know, it's this things people do that you go, hold on one second.

This guy's up to no good. And people like me who just have no reference for it. It just doesn't even, it doesn't even. It's not a fault. It's that you're not used to that. But we don't even see anything. You've never really seen that. Yeah.

Unless I come up to you and they go, Lee, listen, we're going to start a book making operation. I say to you one day, Lee, we're going to start a book making operation. Okay. All right. George, I'm going to work the phones and the blackboard. She's going to work the phones.

I need you to just sit outside, get a chair, read the paper, and every 20 minutes, take a walk. Well, I'll walk where? Take a walk. Get a dog. I don't give a fuck what you do. Take a walk. Because some days you're going to take a walk over there.

Some nights you're going to take a walk over there. You can't take the car because you can't leave the post. But pretty soon you're going to pick up things to look at. You're going to see that guy that's been in the car for 22 minutes. Why is he in his car? You'll see that cop car that drove around twice.

You're going to learn that my number of cars, how they come around. It's really crazy. That's how I learned. I wanted Julio Rodriguez to call me a couple of weeks ago. He was opening up New Jersey school. He sort of a cousin to me. One day we were on the phone about a month ago

and I asked him a question. I remember when we were young kids, we used to have to go to Harlem in the Bronx on Saturdays and work for our mutual friend. He was maybe three years older than me, Julio. And his brother was sandwich. We were like 10 sandwich weighed fucking 300 pounds already.

That's why he loved sandwiches. So they called him sandwich. Sandwich. Because he was Puerto Rican sandwich. And I would go to Catholic school. And when I come home on Friday nights, if I go to my mom and go, ma, I saw this bicycle,

ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, go work for Chail tomorrow. He'll give you 50 bucks for the day. Well, yeah, I don't work for Chail. Go work for Chail. And I would go, they pick you up in the morning, take you into Howard Johnson's eat breakfast, and then you shoot into the boogie down Bronx.

You go upstairs. They start sending you for stuff. Listen, go get two chickens, a pound of rice. You know, you're the assistant to the cook. And from there, you gotta go to this guy's house and pick up money. And from there, you gotta go to this guy's. I can find you on this guy when you go down that corner

and next, you know, it's six o'clock at night, bro. When you're fucking 10, somebody gives you 50 bucks and a 20 dollar bonus. What? I would go right to my mother's bar and shingle. Let's go to the toys store and I'm going, na, na, na, na, go home and take a shower and go to sleep. You gotta do it again tomorrow.

Cox, I got, I would do it Saturdays and Sundays. How many kids were there like you? Who would do it? Four, five Puerto Rican kids in the neighborhood. They just have an army of kids doing all the deliveries and all the deliveries. Go run this 50 bucks to don't, don't yell over there when a hundred and 14 street, you know what she is yet.

Take one of the kids with you and you walk over there and nobody would fuck with you because they know who you work for. Nobody really mastered here because they knew you were running numbers for a chair or that. How would they find out? They just knew the neighborhood.

They knew that that's a, that's a numbers. Listen, the numbers brackets in the 70s were very simple. You have a bodega. Okay. And in that bodega, it's two guys working and there's a phone and there's a couple of sodas in the fucking thing. There's a couple of old pancake stands for sale. But there's a, there's a gallon or two of milk,

but they're not really what they are. You going in, there's a book of dreams and you give the guy $3.00. Last night I had a dream that my cat ate a snake. There's a, there's a thing in there about a cat eating a snake. So it's number 54. Now you gotta put another number in front of it

or a number behind it. What's your lucky number? George seven, seven, 54. What do you want to do? You know, straighten box. All right. And then you give them the number. They get, they write it on a yellow piece of paper

that has a pink and a white sheet behind it. The white sheet from the bottom. This is right in the street. This is right on 118 fucking street in 1970. Man, this has to be, that's for 10, 1974. It would be next to it would be a Chinese restaurant. Next to it would be a tailor. Next to it would be a kid's toy store.

And right there in the heart of Harlem, right down 118th street would be Chail's bodega. Okay. So Chail would take those numbers. So right away you waited. You gave the white sheet to the customer. You took the pink sheet and the yellow sheet went upstairs. They had them making upstairs by three o'clock. So let's say I was assigned to you that day.

All I did was sit with Lee while he wrote those numbers out. And every time you got 20 slips, I ran upstairs. If you had, if I had over cash, I'd give it to you, you'd run upstairs. If I need milk, you go get it. If I need, because there was no phones, they wouldn't use a phone downstairs.

So you would have to be all day going up and down. But you didn't give a fuck. You were 10. They were treating you like an adult. People like, people let you see their guns. People letting you answer the phone and write the number. The first time they let me answer the phone. And I said, 832, 10 bucks, 10 bucks straight.

My dick got hard. I said, I was making a big time. I had a similar experience. My dad worked at Legal Seafoods and I answered the phone at the mail order department. Like, it's crazy, like we had similar ones, but you took numbers at 10 years old? And you had to run them.

And they teach you how to run them. And then who hit the number? Because then you have to break down the numbers. Let's say five, three, four came out. There's people that are so poor, they'll put three numbers on five, $3 on five. That $3 pays you $18.50 for the day. And you're an old lady on social security

and you gamble that same five every day. I know where you live. I don't give a fuck. It takes you two minutes to run it over there and keep her happy. It should give you a dollar tip. I would also get tips when I deliver the money. Sometimes 50 cents, sometimes 25 cents,

but I never got mugged. I always knew, and then some days they just put you on the street. Go outside, just walk around. That means look for cars. Any cars that don't belong there. After two weeks, you'll know what cars belong in that block and what cars don't belong in that block.

What would happen if those are cars that didn't belong? Go upstairs and let them know it's a black car with three cops in it. Yeah. All right, who is that? That could be Henry. Does he have a beard? Yeah, it's Henry.

We gave him 500 last Monday. Tell him to go fuck his mother. And then they would send you downstairs to go downstairs and tell the guy at the bodega not to let Henry up today. We gave you five last week and then we gave the chief commander five. What the fuck do you want?

Get the fuck out of here. Sometimes they were cool and you let them up for a meal. Because a lot of times on Saturdays, the bookies would cook a big fucking meal. Neighborhood people would come upstairs like they were cool. Couldn't be anybody because there's money. Couldn't be anybody.

So the cops would come up to me once in a while, shake hands, hey, eat a bowl. We'll see you next Tuesday. Cool, man. Some of them would place a better number. Fucking interesting shit like that. So I wanted them to call in and just talk about that for a while.

Yeah, it's kind of crazy what you see as a kid. And I loved it. It was legal. In my world, that shit was legal. I walked around with a badge on it because they paid the cops. It didn't really matter. What do you mean in your world it was legal?

It was legal. In my world at that age, that shit was legal, Jack. Nobody got bothered, nobody got stabbed, nobody got addiction. And those guys made tons of money in those days. 20, 30 grand a day taking dollar numbers. Are you fucking kidding me? I got picket numbers the other day.

In fact, you gotta find me the New Jersey picket results for Saturday, the 24th of September. Give me the fucking three numbers and the pick four. I guarantee I hit one of those motherfuckers just because I roll like that. New Jersey what pick? New Jersey lottery results. Picket lottery results.

See what you get there. I forgot that there was a fucking little Chinese guy close to the hotel and he takes numbers. He sells rolling papers. I bought easy widers and big bamboo to bring back the tough shit. What the easy widers is a little too fucking thick. Is that like alcohol, easy water?

No, it's rolling papers. I grew up on easy widers and big bamboo. No, bamboo, like Cheech and Cheong. But then they threw out big bamboo. Nobody could smoke a big bamboo. I used to smoke those thigh joints in the 80s and pass out for eight hours. What'd you finally say?

The pick three? Yeah, eight o'clock. Pick three, pick four. Give me the pick three first. For which day? September 23rd, Saturday. Okay. Or 24th, double check.

24th, okay. What do you got? So for the pick two, you had? I don't want no pick two. I want the pick three and the pick four. Sorry, pick three and pick four. Evening or midday? Give me the evening.

Six, two, four for the pick three. Six, two, four for the pick three. What was the pick four? Ooh, pick four is a good one. Seven, eight, seven, zero. Hold on, let's check it out. I get 10%. You get dick.

I ain't, you get nothing. You get fucking, you get a God's cop sucker. You get 10%. I'm the one that had to walk two fucking hours to put this number in. Two fucking hours. What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? I do a lot of respect for my mom.

I got about one number, all right? So what came out? Six, two, four? On the evening, yes, sir. And what was the midday? Nine or two. And what was the midday pick four? Zero, zero, two, six.

And what was the evening pick four? Seven, eight, seven, zero. All right, let me tell you what I had. This fucking dummy. Two or nine came out? Nine or two. Nine or two, I had two, one, nine straight and box. Six, 24 came out?

Yeah. I had six, oh, four straight and box. And I had five, 17 straight and box. Then I had mercy, 18, 13 straight and box and one, eight, one, three straight and box. But I still got to go in there out of respect. So does that mean you won something? Yeah, I won dick.

I won nothing. I won dick. That's what I won. Oh, I thought it was close. I thought you won something. No, six, 24 came out. I got six, oh, four. And fucking two or nine was the evening.

Five, one, seven. My mom played six, oh, four and five, one, seven every fucking day of her life. Through Brooklyn, three different venues, five dollars a piece. You don't fuck around this site. What are you looking at me like that, four cocks second? How much is the win on that back in those days?

Today, if I wouldn't have picked three, I'm lucky if I picked 250, if I bet 50 cents. Now in those days, if I put five dollars on a number, I picked up 25 hundred dollars at five o'clock. Damn. If I put 250 on a number, I picked up 1250. Damn. If you bet a dollar on a number,

you got 500 cash at five o'clock. The government didn't know. Nobody knew. Your wife didn't know. It didn't come out of the paper. Then direct the posers into your fucking checking account. So everybody would bet a dollar in the neighborhood. You know how many people are in the neighborhood?

I know. Now you got people who trust you, who call you every day from fucking Jersey and go, hey, oh, can you bet some numbers in for me? Beautiful, I got credit. Yeah, let's do it. Give me six, oh, four straight and box five dollars. Give me five, 17 straight and box five dollars.

Give me four, four, four, five dollars straight and box. Give me fucking eight, 29. It was really a tremendous business. Then New Jersey lottery came along and all these big threes, and that was the end of that. And you can still take numbers. I guarantee you and I today could open up a numbers bank in Harlem

and clear 1250 a week after we pay expenses. What's expenses? Brick wall, but the payoffs would be brutal. Yeah. The payoffs and today's fucking criminal enterprise and the Bronx and shit would be brutal. But there's still a market because you still have all those old,

those people that were there when I were a kid were now adults, they grew up in it. When you grow up in it, it's completely different. You know, Michael Vick grew up in dog fighting. What that meant that when he went to school some days, he saw people dog fighting. He saw people kicking a dog and it was natural to them. I grew up with that.

It was natural to me. Are you disappointed that you couldn't do that more as an adult? I'm gonna tell you something. I did it when I left after I robbed Michael's jewelers and I went to New Jersey and I left New Jersey. I tried to get my life together and I actually called them and started doing it.

Before I went to Colorado, I ran numbers from December to April 25th and I liked doing it the first three months. But at that time, I knew one thing about it, that the bubble was gonna break. Let me tell you something. What are you gonna do one day? Yeah, let's say I got promoted

and I would have started getting $1,000 a week. That's $36,000 a year cash that nobody knows about. Eventually I gotta get a part-time job to cover my fucking rent and all this shit. But what am I gonna do at the end of fucking 10 years? I mean, I'm never gonna go to jail for this, not in New York in those days, you're gonna take it. But let's pretend at 28, I quit.

Who's gonna hire me? You can't put it on the resume. Can I ask you a question, George Brown? Where you been? Yeah, where you been? What have you been doing? Ah, mucking around the neighborhood. It's not gonna fucking work out for you, my friend.

And I was always scared of that. Like, I haven't loved zeros in my fucking life at that time. When I was 19, I went to Colorado. I had a nice job over there. I was gonna get fucking killed over there eventually. It didn't take a fucking genius. In Colorado? No, over in New York, where I was going to 118th over there.

Oh, okay. Because I was starting to get credit from people for weed. They knew I worked for jail, everybody was fucking like honky-dory. And I saw the beginning of it. And I'm like, you know, Coke wasn't bursting out of the seams over there yet. It was just weed.

And like, you know, if you want to take an ounce of this chocolate tie, and I would sit there and go, oh, if I take that ounce, I'm never coming back. Yeah. This poor black guy's never gonna see my fucking white ass again. Look at this. You know, there's a part of me that has to say that

when I was doing that craziness, I enjoyed it. And there's little parts of me that say I missed that lifestyle, but I gotta tell you something. There's other parts of me that I don't miss none of that shit. Oh yeah. It was fun while it lasted, but I couldn't go through that. The only thing I could do today, if all this comedy stopped and podcasting,

and I had to make a living, I would get a part-time job, tell a marketing or something like that. And I would have to start booking NFL, basketball, UFC. And I would do it in a nice big way that I could make myself five, 6,000 a week. And that's it. Yeah.

I could pull that off. It would take a year to pull that off. But it'd be stress as well. With the internet, just, it's tough to get a book making operation fucking, especially if you're smart and out of the game and you change your phone. It costs a little extra. That's all.

I have friends that do it for fucking 10 years, 20 years. It costs a little extra to change phones, move locations. And then it's like Lee says to me, well, how can you sell drugs? Lee, you get the same people. I trust George. If I take George, if I pay him when he wins, and he pays me on time,

if I cut him slack from time to time, I don't put a big bet on him. George ain't going nowhere else. He'd be fucking crazy. The way he gambles, they'd break his legs somewhere else. So stay with me. I won't, I'm not gonna break your legs. You've been a customer for 20 years.

You get into a bind, we work it out. We make payments until we put it together. And you keep those customers Lee. And next thing you know, you're running, you do this 20 years, you got the same customers Lee. And they pay on time, they know the schedule, they know you, you know them, you know their kids. And there you go.

Now the people who you pick up during the year, they're fucking cherry. So back then, could there be like one in the neighborhood who he just had an apartment and he didn't do anything else? He was just a neighborhood. I grew up with 15 of those fucking guys. Christ. Then there's guys that have jobs

and part of their job is being around another 100 guys every day. So at lunchtime, they go to a bar and everybody knows that's the guy, if you want to place a number or that's the guy, if you want to put a bet on it. Yeah, you had to leave. Well, that's the guy that gives you money if you get into gambling from

or that's the guy that gets into trouble. That's the guy that gives you money if you get into life trouble. You got to move, you need to deposit. You go over there, you talk to George. What do you need? I need a thousand bucks. I like you, George.

It's gonna cost you 1,300. So for 10 weeks, I want you to give me 130. I could live with that. He took care of me. It's fair. It's fucking fair. People call it a loan sharking. I think it's fair.

A bank would do the same to you because a bank will charge you. If you do the paperwork, a bank will charge you. Yeah, but Joey, they charge me 10%. They call over there. Did they do the fucking financing fee or submit the credit app fee or the fucking finger in the ass fee?

By the time you get those three fees, you might as well pay George the money and move on with your fucking loan. You just saved three hours of aggravation at a bank waiting for the call, the fucking paperwork, your credit radio goes down, your credit rating. What the fuck? All the fuckers.

Look, you're fucked up, aren't you? I'm a little bit higher. Look at you. It's fun though. You know why? Because you dick around on a weekend, you do those pussy dosages. No, we do 850 in it.

850 what? 850 milligrams. No, you didn't. I did too. You did 850 milligrams? Yes, sir. I mean, that's your question. When was the last time 850 fucking milligrams

and anything for you? Never. Why would you even insult me number one and insult yourself? You know 850 don't do dick. Did you see me doing 850 in fucking New York out of respect for you? I opened up with a thousand

and then I did four fucking more like a lunatic. I slept like a baby. Then Saturday night. What? Saturday night I was eating stars like they were going on a star. I wasn't bringing those motherfuckers back. I kept popping them like fucking yum yum pills.

There was a bag of fucking 20 when I only left five at the house for the flight. And I ate those right at the airport with breakfast. Like you would have been proud of me on an empty stomach. You had a thousand with breakfast? Like that on an empty stomach and then I put breakfast over it. I ate five of them right before I walked to security.

And as I made the turn, my flight was at seven 10. It was six o'clock on the dot. I cannot believe what happened. What happened? I had a protein shake at the fucking, it took me 30 minutes to get from the hotel to the airport. I always drink a little protein shake

and I had a half a bite of a protein bowl just to get the sensation away in the morning so I wouldn't get carsick. It was until this George Perez, God was on my corner that morning. It's a five and a half hour flight. I ain't got enough good food on the fucking plane. You know what I'm saying?

I walk into an airport. I'm looking for a yummy, you understand? Somebody was gonna take good care of me. Alimento, like Spanish people say. I don't want to do the sandwich. I don't want a subway sandwich. I don't want a wrap. I got a wrap.

A wrap. You're gonna die in five hours, bitch. Those peanuts will not hold you. And as I made the turn right before my very eyes, there was a palm restaurant. In the airport? Someone's taking eggs for $21. We're little cute potatoes

and wheat toast in a fruit cup. I said, take the potatoes, shove them up your ass. Throw me the fucking fruit cup. I went in there, guess what? I had my wallet. A palm's caught. Bingo. I have one and I don't need to have one in LA anymore.

What airline is it for? Delta. Oh man, I'm gonna fly Delta now somewhere. Damn. Just to go again. Sending that motherfucker. I had this half retail waitress waiter. He didn't know what country he was in.

I said, listen, Bob, I don't give a fuck what you're thinking. I'm taking a steak wall done with two eggs, sunny side and then two pieces of wheat toast in a fruit cup. I was sitting there, my leg was tapping. It was like a Mexican magician within minutes. He came out with a fucking beautiful steak.

I ate that motherfucker and ran to that plane, dog. With a protein shake? So he had staking eggs in for me? I had the protein shake and I had all before the steak. That's what I'm saying, so how was the first? I don't want to be hungry on a plane. No, no, no. And that food, sometimes you eat the fruit,

sometimes you eat, I don't want to eat the bun with the fucking butter, that biscuit's terrible. Everything is fucking terrible on that thing. Maybe once in a while you catch a break. I'm not gonna lie to you. Couple weeks ago I caught a good break with airline food. Wasn't bad. But besides that, you're always like,

oh, and George Perez, what the fuck? I could bring you out here, you were dead mute tonight. What happened? You come on here, you're singing opera songs in Spanish and shit, you got the accordion. No, I'm high as fuck right now. Good, good, good, good, good. Yeah.

I'm high and chilling, listening, it's great stuff. I'm not surprised all these good things going on in your life, bro. You're one of the true ones. You know, they used to be a Latino comedy scene and just evaporated. If anybody was a part of it, the my old time favorite night was those Monday nights.

At the sunset room? At the sunset room, where is that? That's Hacienda Heights. Hacienda Heights, with the Chinese restaurant that don't serve white people. And the fucking donut shop with the Chinese people. You know, that comedy, that place could be fucking huge. They need two in the house, fix the stage

with a spotlight in the corner. Give us Friday, Saturdays and Monday night's work on that. No, you're right, it's a good spot. People come from all over the fucking state. Lobster tails, when the lobster tails were black on the bottom, they were pre-Katrina. They took those, the lobster tails they had there

on Monday night, were lobster tails that got hit with oil in the early fucking, and also they went to the bottom and they died. Remember all his lobster tails, if you picked them up, they were kind of spooky. You're like, I don't know what Juan is selling me over here. This ain't regular, Monday nights is $14.95. Why would he order the lobster tail there?

I never ordered the fucking lobster tail. What are you retarded? I just looked at what the guy had next to me. And when he got up, I looked underneath, just to see it there. Remember when he used to have lobster and steak, right? Yeah, lobster and steak. Lobster and steak, right.

Is that Thursdays? What the fuck are you thinking? Because he would always do like impromptu shows. Hey, get some guys together. Come down Thursday, lobster night. The shit we did, dawg. The shit we did in the name of comedy for a couple fucking dollars.

It's insane. It really is. You remember the sandwich spot I had? You liked that spot too, Rocco's. That was a fucking sandwich spot. A fucking sandwich spot. And they had comedy there? They would get packed.

Lee, I gotta tell you, it was a good sandwich there. I just had one. He just came to one of my shows like about six months ago. Oh, damn. Yeah, he always hits me up and says, Joey, I like to come and bring you guys, boom, bring me a sandwich, done. Yeah.

He wanna say, he'll even answer, you want a sandwich? Fuck you, surprise me. Roast beef on top of turkey with salami and fucking a Jew's tongue and fucking feet and lettuce and fucking tomato. What the fuck is this shit? He's got eight ounces of meat on the sandwich.

All you gotta take everything off and just eat the turkey like a fat fucker. Look, I don't want no roast beef in turkey. Are you still on any peros, any probation? Nah, I've been off of everything. I'm trying to get my passport right now because I'm finally off full height control. So what are they, what story are they talking?

Anything? They're telling me, yeah, but like, you know, I don't know old child support, but like I still have a little like back pay. So they're like, they're trying to get money out of me. So I think I'm just gonna have to like give them more money. And before you pay anything, call again because California adds interest

that you don't have to pay. That's their own interest. Yes. So if they say 60 check, it's 1400. Oh yeah. And you're like, what the fuck? I don't know. Come down here and give me 1400.

We'll disappear in that 60. You're like, okay. So always check that out. But that was a big thing. When I had a couple of years ago, somebody hired me in Canada. They called me a week before and they go, they won't let you through.

And I go, what's the problem? And I go, is it the families or the child support? And they go, I think it's both. Okay. Because she put whatever on you. Once they put that stupidity on you, you're done. You look like a fucking convicted family.

Yeah. They just got mine taken off maybe five years ago. Yeah. I got mine taken off right when I got out of prison. Because like it's weird, like the child support went after me in prison. And I was like, how am I supposed to pay you? I'm in fucking prison.

So I had to get out. I think they just do that. So they make you go and report to them again. Does it accrue when you're in prison? Does it what? Yeah. Yeah. That's how they do it.

I don't give a fuck that you're in prison. That's your problem, Charlie. We want entrance. It's going to cost you every fucking month. Mother fuckers. That's crazy. So, but yeah, I got all that off. I mean, I want to go to Canada, man.

It looks so. No, you're in no danger. Yeah, you're in no danger. It won't let you in. Can't have you to have a DUI. So you better fucking. Never. I don't know.

You got to petition it. Keith Richards got in. Snoop Dogg gets in. Yeah. We just, there's a loop. You have to go to an attorney and pay an attorney. That's what I'm thinking. When he finds a fucking loophole for you.

See, my problem is to found the warrant in Seattle. So if you have any warrants anywhere, they won't let you in there. Yeah, I mean, cause I'm done. I already paid my debt. I'm off parole. I'll ask. It took me maybe four years after I got off everything

to stop being cop paranoid. What is this? Any time you saw a copy, just freak out. I got taken off probation when I was, because I got a reconsideration. They put me in community corrections, which means you're in a work release program, a halfway house, something.

And that was the last sentence, but they lowered the sentence, but they gave me a longer probation. So they put you like in a men's home? In a men's home. Like, no, no, there was women there too, and people watched TV and people mingled. It was tremendous.

Did you guys have like rules or curfew and all that? Everything. Fuck. We had furloughs then. Yeah, furloughs. That was before the guy went on. I've had that word forever. That was the guy, that was before the guy

went off to reservation in Boston and killed somebody. Yeah. The next year, they stopped getting, like when I got out, they stopped getting furloughs. I was like, ooh. But it was a scam, George, because you walked in there as a trainee for a week or two. You only were allowed on the daytime to get a job.

Then once you got a job and you paid rent, and you were caught up on rent, you were up to level two. Once you completed your therapies and you maintained a job for 90 days, you had put up to level three. Level three wasn't bad. Friday and Saturday, that's 11 o'clock. Oh, and did your rent go down as your levels went up?

No, 75 hours a week. Then level four, you had to be spotless. You were allowed to drive. Oh, wow. Midnight on Fridays and Saturdays. And one furlough of morn, bitches. Guess who made it to level four? Moi, with nothing but bullshit and charm.

Did you have a car? I had a fucking job selling cars, so they gave me a demo. Are you kidding me? But I got there February and I was level four by like June, nobody could believe it. Because my attorney said if you get to level four, I'll get you out of there and re-release.

And I was a level four for like two months, living like a doctor. And then I figured out that these invicts can't fucking go out unless they pay the rent, but they scammed them, George. They would make them pay the rent on Thursday. Everybody knows you get paid on Friday. Oh, wow.

So they would save the rent, it's not paid by seven o'clock on Thursday. You can't go out for the weekend. You can't see your family, that type of shit. So I fell bad for them, but at the same time, papa needs to get paid. I got a baby on the way. Damn, it's a mess.

Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Yes. Took some advice from my uncle Festa, all dressed up in polyester. I said, listen, I'll give you 75 for like one, 10, 98. I don't know what I was charged, but you gotta give it to me on Friday.

George, I was getting 10 guys lining up and I would give me 75 bucks to pay the rent and they would give me interest on Friday. Yeah, just so they can go out on the weekend. Just so they could go out though, they would pay me anything. I'd get them for like 25 bucks a piece, 10 dudes every Friday.

I had that operation. Then I figured out that I could fucking sell coconut and since I was level four, they wouldn't search me or piss me. They never had dogs. I could just sign in and walk right through the fucking gate. That's exactly what I would do.

And I would triple the prices on that shit and cut it for those motherfuckers. They would go crazy. Yeah, you're taking a big risk. That's a big chance. They gotta pay for that. I was terrible at rehabilitation, but you know what though?

They nailed me in there. I thought I was cute and they nailed me. They took me to court. They let me go out and they put me back in for like 90 days. They fucking tormented my life. They caught you? Oh, once they broke me out.

Yeah, because four guys came up positive. These motherfuckers are tweak and walk around the halfway house shaving. There was one dude that was shaved for eight hours and the counselor finally said, how long can you shave for? He was sweating profusely. So he would put the shower on and sit in front of the mirror

and maybe leave it to shave and they count every hour. Wow. The guy kept coming and going, I don't want you shaving. Oh, I like to be thorough. Okay. Five hours later, you're still shaving. You're still sweating profusely.

Something's gotta be it. And they would walk around at night. So they pissed a bunch of them. Four people were negative for cocaine positive. They knew something was going on. Somebody's bringing it in. I'm walking in there with a suit. I got jewelry on.

I'm eating fucking breakfast out. The food that you pay for, like it was $75 ramp and $25 was groceries. They give you frozen pizzas and- Oatmeal. Oats and oatmeal. I would give it away. They go, what you eat?

Fuck, that's not that shit. So people started getting pissed and somebody fucking ratted me out eventually. They searched me about it the day I don't bring nothing on me. It was the day they pulled me over and pulled me in the bathroom to search my balls and like, what are you people looking for? Just tell me, I hope you got well.

Conjured man is being smuggled in. A couple of people appointed at me. What the fuck? I'm a community council because by that time I was like a fucking, I represented the third floor and that type of shit. Shit. You represented the third floor in all negotiations?

Yeah, like whatever, there was quarries. People would have to come to me and I'd make them fill out a report. And then like- How long was this in the person, like six months? I took me, it took me about three months to get fired. Then after I came up positive twice with cocaine. They call it the house mouse.

The house mouse, no, I wasn't the house mouse. I was, every floor, every floor had a, they didn't want 20 people down there going, dog, I didn't get my pizza. Okay. Dog, I didn't get my fucking this. Dog, how come I'm not getting mail? So they didn't want people coming to the gate.

So I think they would not call $5 a week a rent. If I took all the grievances, it wasn't worth it. Georgia wasn't worth it. I was just, because if he became the whatever floor, I had a partner. I was in one building, I was in one apartment and he was in the other. So either one of us always had to be able to be re-reached.

So they would come to you with like, dog, I didn't get a pizza this week. What do you want me to tell you? You gotta fight with the kitchen. Why would I file a motherfucking grievance? Cause I pay for groceries and shit. The pizza should be involved in that list of groceries. File the grievance.

So they just didn't want to deal with it. So they would give me this. Shit, that job lasted three months. That wasn't worth the $5 a week, dog. Hell no, everybody. Cause it's run by a bunch of other convicts as well. It's not gonna be ranked correct. I've never been in a halfway house.

I heard of them though. I was one in Boulder, Colorado. This was a country club. Oh yeah. This was a country club. They had girls on every floor. You know, you're putting girls on every floor with convicts and they only come up to the floor once an hour.

And if you come up to the third floor, again, we pay somebody five bucks, go by the fucking door and you're here when they come up to the second floor. And let us know I'm not gonna door. And Johnny will tell him not to stop fucking Patrice. It was a chick that was fucking everybody in the halfway house. Oh, crazy. My name was Patrice Twining.

And you know what I'm gonna tell you something? She was hot as fuck. And she was in there. And the six or seven months I was in there, she definitely slept with 20 dudes. It sucked dirty dicks. She was the real deal. And her boyfriend, her husband was in jail.

Like doing, he was like somewhere he had nine years left. I'm like, what does he think? He knows I love him, that this is just part time. She was a fucking animal, a part time. But that's what you gotta do, man. Nobody really knows that life to you. And I wasn't involved in that life. But when you go in there and you see people,

the funny, you were saying something funny before. You said that you turned your life around. You know, your kids, what about the guys? They got the pictures of the wall on the kids. Four kids and shit. They got a picture of their wife who could scare bed shit. I mean, this woman could stop bird shit, mid-ass, she's in such bad shape.

And he'll sit there and go, man, I love my motherfucking kids. You're like, how long you been in for? 10 years? How long you got left? 18 years? What are you talking about? You didn't think about that before you went to fucking jail

about these four fucking kids? I never understood that. Listen, I could get in trouble. I could get in trouble when I didn't have Jackie and Terry. Trouble was always lurking now. I want my best fucking behavior. Straight up. I want my best fucking behavior.

Yeah, like now you can just like- I couldn't imagine, George. Yeah, you can just hit anybody now and you can bust it. I mean, I'm glad someone didn't have a cell phone when this should happen. The way I beat that dude up, they would have gained me way more time. You got quite 18 months later, two years later.

Two years later. After the dude saw you on Showtime. No, it was on MTV. You couldn't have worse and good luck at the same fucking time. That is fucking crazy. You come up on TV, the guy's sitting there. He's going to the computer.

America's most wanted. Where's this George Perez at? Good googly moogly. All of a sudden some show, your mama comes on. He's like, let me watch it. Oh shit. That's the gack of that jump meal. Shit.

Yeah. But you know what? It was the best day of your life if you look at it now. I mean, I had to suffer to get where I, you know, I didn't have to suffer. I put myself in a spot where I could either go down or say, you know, I don't want to come back here again. And that's what I did.

I accepted what I did and I'm fucking, I know right from wrong now. And I know the consequence from right from wrong. Cause back then I just didn't know the consequence. I didn't know like, you know, I'll get away with this. So now I know and I'm going for it. 25 years ago, we went to a bar and me and George got into an argument with Lee.

Two punches would get thrown, three punches. And then everybody would leave and maybe George would get mad and come back. But you know what? Any more guys, you do not know who you're dealing with anymore. Fuck no. It's not worth the aggravation.

You know, you walk into a bar and you see four dudes and you think they're a little off and you go and get involved and you should pull and do drugs with those guys and flash cash. You're going down. Yeah. You're going down. You have to assume you're going down.

Yeah. Dude, I remember one time we were at a bar in Montabello and I was with this big tall ass fool and we went with, we went with girls and he was one of their cousins. And there was another fool in the restroom that's trying to holler at his cousin. And I guess that she said no.

And that fool was like, fuck that bitch. So this guy took it upon himself to punch these dudes in the restroom. He's like six, five. And his whole neighborhood's in that bar. We got jumped so fucking bad. I remember one of my friends, we had to carry that fool outside.

So sometimes you just fuck with the wrong person and it comes and I'm glad now that we walked away from that shit. My ass went up. Did you ever have your ass whipped like that? Three or four times, I don't know. One time when you were in the city at the fucking senior prom thing,

the senior thing, when they get about the awards, most likely to drop out. Most likely to be a junkie and all that shit. We got into a brawl there and I stepped into a piece of glass. Like I hit the head. You know, if it wasn't for a friend of mine that's dead now, he fucking bastard, a guy

that broke a head, I wouldn't be fucking dead. Another time in Colorado at a bar fight that I had nothing to do with. That night I threw punches and then six guys jumped me because they didn't know what the fuck was going on. You live and you learn. I got by four, I got into a fight in prison when the guy fucking punched me a couple of times

in the fucking head. Then there was another situation where I got a guy in bound to this ball. And I got him by the hair and I wrapped around both. He couldn't go nowhere. Nah, I caught him with the laundry basket. He had the laundry basket. And I hated this motherfucker.

I just caught him with the laundry thing and I fucking banged his head off the thing. Listen, man, you learn from everything. I don't have the energy or the age or anything today. Would it be different if I was 30? You know what I'm saying? These are the things we say now because we've been in those situations.

It's tough to convince somebody who's 25. When somebody bumps into you next to one of your bitches, and you bump into me and I got Colossier and whatever the fuck I drink, whatever the fuck they drinking now I'm on bellow. All right, and you bump into me, I'm with Maria, and you bump into me, I gotta say something. You know, Lee?

No, you did the right thing the other day. You did one thing good and you did one thing bad. Okay, the good thing that you did is you walked away, they didn't touch it, they didn't kiss it, they didn't squeeze it, did. The bad thing was that you went anyway. Next time rip up those fucking tickets. You know what I'm saying?

Because you're a nice guy, and that type of shit will happen to a guy like you. Look at that guy that's in the hospital from the giant game. A Dodger guy that went to a game. You know what, man? I don't wanna be a part of that. I know they're nice. You know what, when I'm sitting with normal people,

I wanna see white people around me in that thing because that's what the stadium has become. That's where you have to sit. You can't sit in a dog pond no more. What are you gonna wear? If you wear a Dodger shirt, they yell at you. If you wear, you know, look at this thing in the background, the Raider fans, fighting the Raider fans.

You need that in your life. Pay all that money and you can't guarantee yourself. You don't know if you're gonna make it to the parking lot because you have a stupid Boston Red Sox shirt on. Oh, they saw your fucking, they saw your stupid fucking key chains. I'm not saying you have a key chain with you, I'm just saying.

I don't, man. I did wear Red Sox hat. Well, then you deserve to get your ass kicked. You're lucky you made it out there. You know, now I wish they would have kicked in the stomach one time. So you would have said, somebody kicked me in the stomach,

I don't know what to do. I would have said, well, what's the situation? I went to get Paula on ice cream and I left with a fucking Dodger hat on. I'd say, you know what? It's always, it's so intense there. You're lucky, who gives a fuck what they are there? You're the only protecting you and your girlfriend.

If you were gone with me to the game, I don't care what you wear because the first time you get kicked in the stomach, I'm leaving you there, especially if you wear, that's what I'd say to you. You wore a stupid fucking hat. I'd say I'm leaving you there, dog. That's your problem.

I'm not gonna ask a lot of cheer for the Dodgers, but I'm not gonna buy a Dodger's hat. I didn't say the word, they don't wear nothing. But I have to wear a hat. They don't know where to wear a fucking, where like, where those white people safari hats, where they, you know what I'm saying? White people love that shit.

It's gonna be after that. With the flaps on the surface. Yeah, with the flaps, they love it. They want to look weird and fuck and show people that they want to have scourge and where would the fuck they going? It was fun though. It was cool.

Did the Dodgers win? They did, we actually didn't see them win. It went to extra endings. Oh, okay. We had to leave. We left after nine, but it was cool. It was pretty cool. So think about like, Finn Scully did it for 50 years.

Yeah, 67. 67? I think it's 67. Oh wow, that's amazing. Whatever. I could be wrong. You're probably right. You're from here, right?

Yeah. But however long he did it for, that's pretty cool. Yeah, and plus, he came from Brooklyn all the way to LA and he's been the man. I wanted to go to that game. When was the last time you've been to a Dodger game? Didn't you go a long time ago? Two years ago.

I went with Felipe, I went with my uncle, I used to go. Yeah, you were telling about your uncle in the story. Dude, I found the way to do it. Paulo has the way. It's great. Yeah, I'm gonna take a bus like a fucking mental midget, fucking drive around, walk in 100 degree weather. Leave me alone, please.

You almost got beat up with a red sign, so I'm gonna take advice from you. You gave me two losers as restaurants. That fucking one restaurant was so bad, it just went out of business. Which one? Skinny tippy, whatever the fuck it was. That wasn't my fault, they expanded.

But no, you don't. Who told them to make it a bar? You did, you went in there every day and supported that shit. And then went and watched a fucking Marvel movie and shit. I don't know, I'm having such a great day. I had my turkey burger, what was it? What'd you eat in there?

Buffalo bison burgers. Oh, they had bison burgers, but here's the thing, you couldn't park there, so I couldn't go. That's why they went out of the fucking business. You can't buy anything, you're next to that diner, you're next to Domino's and Starbucks. The last thing I eat is in that fucking place. That place next to it, when they got good soup,

they got good soup. What is that, I don't even know what that is. Right next to it, it's been there for 2,000 years. If they get eight customers a day, they're fucking good. But I went in there one time and it wasn't bad, I mean it wasn't fucking tremendous, but the soup, I'm believing in going, wow, these people know how to make like,

it was a red pepper soup. Oh, I love soup, soups and shit. I was watching, our buddy Jordan has a vlog and I was just watching it one day. You know the sandwiches you like on Little Canyon at the store? Like halfway up the Little Canyon, there's like a little store. He said there's an Italian restaurant

underneath, have you ever been there? No. No, okay. What store that has sandwiches? On Little Canyon, you know the ones, they really good tricky sandwiches. I don't know, no place. Okay, we talk about it every time, we drive by it. What place on Little Canyon, where Little Canyon,

and what, let me see. We're pretty much halfway down. Hold on, let me. On the way to the store. On the way, there's all that supermarket there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right underneath is an Italian place.

I heard that, that's why they get the Valley Park and stuff. Yeah, so I didn't know if you didn't know that. And they say it's really good? Yeah. That's great. I'll stick to my fucking spot a bit. We're 20 years, they got the seafood risotto,

they got the seafood pasta with the red sauce. He had the bolognese, did you enjoy the bolognese? Oh yeah. Did you enjoy the fucking, the opening dish when they bring the salami and the preserves? It was great. So why the fuck would I go down the hill with Jordan Peele and eat that shit?

I guarantee there's a by the way down there. Have you tried the lasagna there yet? Yes. Is it good? The fucking out of this world. I haven't had lasagna in years. I had two bites of it. Steam came out of me as it gave right back to my wife.

I'm gonna lose weight, not to put 82 pounds on. Those plates lasagna, that should have killed you. Like if you go to the pop, what's the name of this dump over here, pepperonis? What's that place in Burbank Boulevard? Do you go in there and get malaria if you eat the salad? Pinocchio's, that fucking dump over there. That place is fucking horrific, dog.

Fucking horrific. I've never been there before. I've been there twice in both times. I wanted to shoot myself. If you're in a rush, I can't lie to you. And you go in there, I ain't gonna lie to nobody. You just get the spaghetti with the fucking meat sauce and run for your life, it's not bad.

It's like going to a sparrow. What is it called? Sparrow. Sparrow, and getting the fucking spaghetti. It ain't gonna kill you, it ain't the best thing in the world, but you know what? Things are bad, I get it. You get Parmesan cheese and you pour it on there,

like you're the last man that's gonna eat at that restaurant. Besides, Parmesan cheese got no carbohydrates. There's no flavor jack. And it fills your shit up. People know it's the cheat drug right there. You just fucking turn that can over like an animal. I love Parmesan cheese. I'm sure you do, cucksucker.

Yeah, speaking of soups, I got unborn degas in my house. Oh, who made them? I got them from these old ladies. And you have the meatballs or you have the soup? I got the soup and the meatballs. And they're all in there. Yeah. And what else is in the soup?

Tell them, talk to me. It got a little cilantro, a couple onions, some avocados. Yeah, cilantro, tomato, no, no avocado for a... But you doped avocado of the soup. Oh yeah, yeah, you have. No, what I do is I put the avocado on the tortilla and then I just roll it and I dip it when I eat. Jesus Christ, it's better than your church.

But then you're not eating the primal diet. Come on, doc. I'm starving when I... You just gotta eat the avocado. Forget the fucking tortilla. You'll be killing it and shit like fucking Tupac when they got in the prison with the double album. You know what I'm saying?

Hell yeah, yeah. Nah, I love that tortilla too much, dog. Dog, I loved when I heard you on Burt's podcast. Oh, thanks. I know you were gonna be on fucking Joe's when you told me I even loved it more. Thanks. You know, Joe wouldn't fucking put you on there

unless he saw something, so it's great, man. Yeah, it was great, dude. He even let me open form on Friday at the ice house. Pack sold out, tremendous. I haven't, I've never seen it that... I've never performed there or did that pack. That clubs never gave me a night or anything, so it was awesome.

Rudy wasn't in the back. No. Rudy wasn't in the back. Jumping down in the back. I could fill it up like this. When I had George Lopez, I filled it up like this one time. Yeah, it was cool, it was a great show.

He killed it too, man, like he killed it. He destroyed that place. Bro, I gotta say something that first of all, if you know anything about him, he's the ultimate profession. Yeah, okay. He's the ultimate professional. And once you see little things,

you're like, oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit. You know, he has always been an ultimate professional. And I thank him every day, every time I talk. This time I call him, he goes, what's up, dawg? I go, you know what? Just wanna say hello, I wanna say thank you, man. Because what you taught me, I saved five years of heartache. He teaches you the right way on how to do comedy.

From traveling there, what time to get there, how to do it, who to say no to, there was times I go, aren't you gonna do this radio show? Fuck no, fuck them, I'm not getting up at five. I would go, Jesus. You know, everybody else does that. He would have his own reason behind it. And he believed in it 150%.

Everything he used to, you know, this time I looked at him and I go, this guy's a cold-blooded fuck. It's business, it's business. This is, you know, as things start kicking up for you, then you'll notice that things change. You notice the fucking people who come out of the back, tru tru, and you're like, what the fuck?

I did this myself. Joe Rogan gives you a hole and say football. That's all Joe Rogan is. Joe Rogan is a fucking offensive tackle. And he opens up a hole for you and you take that hole and you do what you want. You can either fucking go to the 20-yard line and get five or six yards or you can score a touchdown.

In my world, I took a couple of 10-yard fucking recoveries. I fumbled a few times, but eventually I took that hole and I hit a touchdown with it. I found the niche. Everybody thinks that, you know, for a year, everybody, every comic who had been struggling would hit me and I'm, hey, how can I get on that podcast? Because they thought it was the Johnny Carson of today.

And it really is. I already didn't get a Comedy Central special and all that stuff because of Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan opens the door for you, you find your niche and you tackle it. And it happens in everyday life. You go to work one day, you're a fucking mechanics helper. I come in one day, the mechanic quit.

Guess who's the new mechanic? And next thing you know, you do transmissions well, right? Boom, you're the transmission fucking guy. I'm gonna give you $22.50 instead of fucking $8 an hour and I'll give you a fucking uniform so you don't walk around here like that. It's the same thing with everything. Every time and every once in a while in your life, bro,

somebody blocks for you and puts a hole. What you do with that fucking hole, that's up to you. Joe can't do nothing after that. He opened it for you. That podcast is so strong. So many people hear that podcast. And again, that podcast is better than a movie in my eyes. I've done movies and I've gotten better results

than that fucking podcast. I'm just going on there and talking the truth. So what do you think I should do? Cause you know, I'm new to this. Like, I'm... Well, you got 2,000 new followers. Probably you'll get another 5,000 in four days. As people start downloading and listening to it.

And now is your time. Now is your time to start tweeting and letting the world know who George Perez is. Okay. I'm gonna start a podcast too. Well, whatever you want to do, I'd rather you start on social media. Okay.

Get your social media going. Let these people know. Now they want to hear from you. They're gonna ask you questions, answer their questions, start booking little dates. One nights don't expect much. No, I hear you. You know, it all starts at 50, 75, 100, 150, 175.

You pay more attention to your social media. Again, you find the niche. I'm not an Instagram guy. My brother, Mikey, helps me with my Instagram. But I'm a Twitter and a Facebook guy. That's what I'm good with. I'm not fucking a Periscope, a LinkedIn. I don't want to see them again, ever again.

I got like three more requests. I get one more request from LinkedIn. Well, is it LinkedIn? I'm gonna sue those motherfuckers. Because they lie to people. It made people feel special. We're the social network for professionals. No, you're right.

It's the same putters on Facebook. Why would not I gotta follow you there? And you gotta follow me here. You gotta post pictures of your dog licking your wife's face and your ugly kids in Bermuda. I don't give a fuck, you know what I'm saying? Where are you gonna be at? Break it down.

I'm gonna be at the Brea Improv Thursday and Friday, September 29th and the 30th. And Thursday is a 10 o'clock show and Friday is a 9.30 show. Where you at next week and the next couple? We got a new year's date yet? No, I don't have a new year's date. In October, I'm back at the Brea,

or I'm at the Ontario Improv. And then I might be going to Dallas in December. What's going on down there? I don't know. Is this guy that books Death Squad for me in Red Band? I think we're gonna have like San Antonio, Dallas, Phoenix, Vegas, and then San Diego. So just happy and going with it, you know?

I'm proud of you, man. Thank you, man. I'm proud of a lot of these guys I came up with, but you're one of the ones I'm really proud of. I really dig. We always talk once a week. Yeah, and I always love your wisdom, man. You've always been the one.

We always talk. I always call them and check in. If I don't see them, if I see them slipping, I drop a little line and he knows what I'm talking about. He doesn't have to tell them. He knows what we're talking about. He's not dumb. And I appreciate that.

I hate when people play dumb with me. You're one of those dudes that you go, I'm like, hey, you caught me. What's up? What's up? You know, it's funny because I did all that dumb shit. I did all that shit, dawg. I got away with murder in some places they knew

and they never gave me a spot again. What the fucked up shit I did, dawg, you know? And that's why when I pulled kids over some time, hey, listen, man, it's none of my business. I don't give a fuck. I put one of my buddies over. We looked at them at the store like eight months ago and this dude was doing bumps.

I'm like, motherfucking noticeable. And I saw him and I was like, listen, man, I did a bump in there every night after I got off stage. After I got off stage, I got some of that chewy dust. You can stop eating that fucking comedy store. I had coke going in all those places. I can't believe I still go down there. I don't even feel it no more when I go down.

I'm gonna go on nine years without doing coke. Wow, that's awesome, bro. That's awesome. Can you believe that shit? Nine fucking years, 2007. Damn. When you got off it, that last time, were you planning on it being forever?

Or were you just thinking? Nothing was forever in my world, yeah, but it just worked out that way. It was at the right time, at the wrong. I'm the type of guy, let's pretend. Let's pretend you hooked on fucking milkshakes. Yes. And you go to fucking Florida

and you get caught in a fucking hurricane for two weeks and you haven't had a milkshake and you visibly looked at the fucking scale and you lost eight pounds. Would you come back, would you have a milkshake? You don't even need a milkshake no more now. Would you say to yourself, I don't need a fucking milkshake? I'm gonna have a milkshake one time.

No, you're gonna go, I'm never gonna have a milkshake again. I got off milkshakes, I'm done, I'm moving forward. That's what it felt like. It wasn't that I did anything. It was like on my way through three weeks and after three weeks from there, I said, that's it. Yeah, you're good. Well, if I do this, it's by my doing.

Because my body's telling me, dog, we're good, we're good. We've had our abuse, we've taken our abuse. Whatever you wanna do from here on is good. When I sat there every night and go, you know what, I'm gonna give it, tonight I'm not gonna do it. And I would go, you know what, next Friday I'm gonna do it. And all of a sudden, if I got to that Friday,

I go, am I crazy? I just got clean another seven days. Why would I do the next one? Then as it got to the holidays, I couldn't believe it. New years, like that day after New Year. And I remember the first time I was sober, I went up to San Francisco with Red Band, Rogan.

And I remember thinking, wow, it's been like 45 days. That's crazy. That is, and like, was it a, like were you more focused? Like just being more sober with it? Like you could see shit, you didn't see why you were on it? The first year after I didn't do coke, I didn't know what I was saying, George. Yeah.

My body was getting used to shit at so many different levels. The biggest fear I had was that I wouldn't be funny. That I was gonna take it too seriously and maybe get caught up with Jesus. After 45 days, I got to writing. Like I was like, whoa, something's going on here. And then my space was popping

and I would write a blog every Monday. And from that blog, it jogged my memory to, it really, that writing, I credit it to staying sober. That fucking constant. Give you something to do with it. Every Monday, thinking of a story and then leaving, then going, that fucking story wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for coke.

Because when you think something and you write something, it's two different fucking things. When you tell her a story about you going to jail and you write it down and put it away and then read it tomorrow, you shut that fucking magazine and go, what the fuck was I thinking that day? When I read the kidnapping one

and when I read the fucking one, when I robbed Moondi and all those things, I would read them two days later and go, first off, I can't believe, I told everybody on Myspace, that second of all, I can't believe I did that. Like, I don't know who that guy is. It's like I was writing a book about somebody else.

And you got a big response from it as well, right? Absolutely, absolutely. At the same time, I worked on my writing thing. If you commit to a write once a week, within six months on Facebook, you'll have people reading your blog on Mondays and subscribing. And after a year and a half,

you can have ads on them, people click. Whatever they're gonna use anyway, whether it's Amazon or Amazon, you can make a little living off your podcast, off your blog. And it's very interesting. Like, I'm thinking of doing it again. Like, I should have been doing it for the special,

but you know what, man, it's so much shit on your plate on a daily basis that if you're really hot, like right now, I've never been this busy. Like, I've never been this busy, you know, writing a pilot, writing a special, I'm shooting October 15th. I've never had it.

If I would have had this special 10 years ago, you know what I'd be doing right now? Tellin' Lee how I'm gonna crush it. Not really. I'm not that type of person. I'd be telling Lee I was prepared. And I'd go up there, Lee, and do five minutes and improvise the rest.

And I wouldn't care where I ended. I can't do this this time. It's weird when things get presented to you at the point of your life where you're at. If I would have got this 10 years ago, I would have done it. I would have snorted that fuckin' down payment. Shit.

I would have, like I did Puyaso. Yeah. Puyaso was a joke to me. I don't, first of all, I didn't think it was gonna get picked up. You killed it though. But I killed it if you watch it now. I didn't kill it.

I was just a fuckin' dude dying up there, telling knock-knock jokes. To those fuckin' savages that were in the audience. I don't know what, no, I didn't even get laughs. They had to put tape in there and shit. I hit those people too hard. They weren't ready for that shit. Even those people laughed.

Montoya and his partner were in the back going. Some of those people were petrified. I didn't give a fuck. You know what I gave a fuck about? Was that cash and driving back. Remember I didn't stay that night? Yeah, I remember you're like, I'm out of here, where's my check?

I taped, got in that car, and I already had the eight ball waiting for me on hold till the next day I was in a pan. Cause I had to give my wife to check the cash in. And she was already gonna give me 500. The eight ball would be paid for. Damn. Remember I gave my room key to David.

Yeah. I didn't stay. It was Thanksgiving week. The Friday after Thanksgiving. 2008? No, no, no. 2006. I got locked up that year.

Wow. So we taped that November of 2006. I got locked up the day after Felipe's birthday. Cause we were at the sunset room for his birthday on Monday, then I went to court Tuesday. That's when I got locked up. I think it's June 16th. And now you're in jail watching

payaso comedy slam with the Invicts and they're going, that ain't you fool. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. It's very wild. You know, brother's been an interesting ride for the both of us.

I'm very happy that we're still doing our thing. We're not in trouble. We overcame whatever ghost was wanting us to put us in those predicaments. And here we are, brother, and it's a new life. So thank you. Thank you for coming on the show. Thank you, brother.

Thank you. I'm gonna be at the ice house Wednesday night for a $10 show. It's still no expectations. I got a solid 40. I need to come up with another 20. So I'm gonna work some shit on you savages. And then I'm at the Columbus motherfucking funny bone.

October 6th through the ninth or something like that. It's that week. All right. Just check it out. Get tickets, whatever the fuck you need to do. You know, I love Columbus. I'm excited about going playing tickets or a nightmare to fucking get there.

It's a nightmare. No direct flights coming back. It's a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare on a street like Paul Mooney said. But that ain't stopping me, cocksuckers. Number one, I wanna thank our sponsor for the show. The one and only, the most powerful supplement out there. On it, my people.

I had one of those fucking shakes today. I was gone and I wanted to put all that protein back in my system. So this morning I had my little fruit smoothie and about 10 o'clock before I took mercy to the park. I blasted some fucking nice little chocolate with water. And you know what? It kept me alive till I ate with Lee

over at the Mexican joint. Because I had a good- Good potato tacos, yeah. Yeah, good potato tacos. Then my wife made a little pot roast. I didn't eat the noodles. I just need the beef with a couple potatoes. And now I'm here with you motherfuckers.

But anyway, back to honor.com. The milkshakes, the strong bone, the shroom tech sport. You know, the alpha brain, which I take the powder every time I fly when I get home and before I get on the fucking plane. So I don't get my jet lag. Listen, anything I take from them is solid as fucking gold. Do you want me to sit here and tell you what's in those things?

I can't do that. I'm not gonna lie to you, but do me a favor. Go to honor.com right now. Go to honor. Look at the great list of supplements. Look what they got in them. Look at the testimonials. Look at the videos.

Look at the supplements. Look at the weights they have and all the workout stuff. And you take your pick. As far as weights are concerned, I can't help you. Supplements, I get you 10% off. Go read, you find something you like, go to the box and press in. Church.

C-H-E-U-R-C-H. And I'm gonna give you 10% off, all right? That's how the fuck I wrote. I just got my new, tell me what we got in the mail. Oh, Tushies. We got the Tushies. So we're gonna hook them up this week and let you motherfuckers know it's crack or lacking.

Lee's gonna have a full report for you. It's been 100 degrees. I need it so bad. It's gonna be so bad. This ass is all dirty and fungi and shit. That's how the bacteria sits around your ringworm. This is the ultimate test. This is it.

If the Tushie can withstand this. And we try to get it for you because you're a disgusting animal. You eat that lizard. You gotta get a toothbrush. Okay. And as the water hits your asshole, toothbrush your asshole.

You wanna shine it up for Paul. Should I go at like a sauna care level or just like the regular one? No, no, no, no, no, no. You'll break it with that fucking hemorrhage. You're growing down there. All you hear is this and you'll electrocute yourself. And then I gotta call your mom

and the insurance people on a Jewish time to try to sue Tuffy or whatever the fuck it is and whatever. Just get yourself a plane. The all will be. Right. A little beginner. Like for a six year old.

So you don't scrape up your asshole too bad and start with that. Can it be the one that Lee has a song that plays? No, no. Listen, don't get cute with your uncle Joey. You wanna clean that muffle. I can't imagine what you got in there. And then do it completely for a week.

Just do like a cleanse. Like banana juice with pineapples and fucking whatever. Even what happens without my mom do that. You get scared of, you look good. Yeah, but I get, you say I'm gonna pass out. That's okay. I rather you pass out than carry eight pounds like goat shit you eat.

You know, carnitas here, fucking tacos there. You don't know these people. You eat that fucking meat. You don't know these people. You're eating that shit. And next thing you know, that shit sits in your bowels. You know, you have a pound of meat, dead meat, sitting in your bowels, taco bell and all that shit.

It came out when you did the cleanse the first time. But now it just sits there. Me too. I can't, I got the same meat in my nutsack there. That steak I ate at the fucking hospital, at the hotel, the airport. That's sitting in my gut. That's why I ate that fruits movie twice.

Cause I'm trying to get all that dead horse meat out of there. The orange cream was good. The orange cream, yeah, it was tremendous. It took good care of you. I love your cock suck. I'm just looking at that for this shit. You didn't do cattle bells till you're slipping. No, I'll do them tomorrow.

Dave, call you back. No, I'm gonna have to call them today. I haven't called them in a week. You didn't call them either, this what I'm saying. Yeah. I call them every day. So he gets the gym open, yeah. Right, fuck around, this is what we teach it.

Call them every day until he calls you back. George Perez, hope, good luck on Thursday and Friday with prayer. Thank you. If you tweet, I'll be tweeting for you. We'll be back Thursday afternoon, cock suckers. I love you guys. Have a great week. That's all we got for you.

Stay black. This show was brought to you by onate.com. Go to onate.com and use codewordchurch, C-H-U-R-C-H to get 10% off all of their amazing optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune and Shroom Tech Support. That's codewordchurch at onate.com, O-N-N-I-T.com, codewordchurch.

All right. Diamonds and dust, poem and last, rich men first Lamborghinis, caviar, dramatinas, Shangri-La I got a burning feeling deep inside of me, let's get it But I'm gonna shut it free, I'm going in to Cincinnati I'm gonna win, in Cincinnati Well, the lights are bright, through the crowds of men I'm gonna win, in Cincinnati

I'm gonna win, in Cincinnati Letters And snakes, let us give, snakes take Rich men, poor men, beggar men, thief Ain't got a hope in hell, that's my belief Fingers fiddling, diamond june, decadent rally I'm a cop in hell, trust in my will Cut back slack, and roll out the loaded dice

Feel the dance, it doesn't pull back, shine bright on ice I'm going in, to Cincinnati I'm gonna win, in Cincinnati Well, the lights are bright, through the crowds of men I'm going in, to Cincinnati I'm gonna win, in Cincinnati