Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #417 - Sebastian Maniscalco

Episode Date: September 29, 2016

Sebastian Maniscalco, comedian whose new Showtime comedy special "Why Would You Do That?" premieres Saturday, October 1 at 10pm., joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 09/28/2016.
  

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Nothing that sprays your butt with water, but they have amazing optimization products like alpha brain new mood shroom tech immune and shroom tech Oh shit Oh shit Oh It's a beautiful day to be alive cocksuckers the church of what's happening now Wednesday, September 28 Lisa yet my little brother Sebastian Oh Are you kidding me or fucking what give me those pills? I don't give a fuck give me the gas man

Oh That's nice to hear that song I did a my ice cream social when I was growing up in fifth grade I did a Michael Jackson dance routine with the whole thing the hat the glove come out to that in the middle of the gymnasium and Did a full routine people go fucking nuts at that time? And it was what 1982 I think it was and then right after me was a bunch of break dancers with parachute pants and the whole deal with the zippers and That's that's and I did it at the goddamn comedy gym Did you do that show yet? Yeah. Yeah, what's on what song did you do killing in the name of love killing in the name of whatever by fucking Whatever the fuck was that the first time you've ever sang with a band behind you

Or have you done that in the past when I was a kid? Oh, yeah, well, I was a kid When I was in the sixth grade I was in the band and we just did we we Little lip-sync I could sing and they could play the instruments maybe But we used to just keep the music on So we would do like a band thing and just play the Beatles help And it would be on but we'd be playing and I'd be fucking singing and then eventually we cut the instruments We got rid of the bass player And that was the end of that we like to fucking police, but we had nowhere to go. No the book is

We were like rocket. We had no manager. You know that we had no fucking in fact one of the the drummer Calls into the show. I still talk to him Ray Canella and the bass player that we threw out His family took me in four years later when my mother died ironic Wow, you never know how this life's gonna fucking turn down. We had a voter mother band and shit for what? Because he was doing something wrong. He invited ugly chicks Like that was just he did like eight fucking violations of the band code. You know saying he did all of them You know, we didn't get high then nobody got high over the six fucking great guys But he did something like I forget what he was bad

And he brought ugly chicks over like he had groupies and all his life. He's still on a Facebook with ugly chicks Okay, I still follow him and he shows up with chicks There you go. Why why do you do this to yourself? He loves he loves him. He's a good-looking dude. It's crazy No idea there was eight rolls to the band code. Yeah, we had a fucking band code even though in the sixth grade You had to dress a certain way and walk a certain way I think Frankie Valley got to the top fucking around got away the same fucking tea Have you seen those kids from Chicago? They do the Frankie Valley thing. No, no, not bad dog. Not bad. They showed up at a I did I was doing TV

You know radio in the morning and I do the TV spot and they were there, too And I sat and watched and do Frankie Valley. They were fucking great. Oh, yeah And then that night they came to the show I left them tickets and they showed up to the show I had him singing at the fucking show a little gun, Jeanette. I had him going you know Yeah, I was just in Chicago. I Used to do Joy and Mary's Irish Italian comedy wedding used to be a Dinner theater thing you ever have that Tony and Tina's it was like the that was the the popular one I did the offshoot now. Where was that?

That was we did banquet halls, but not the one by the IO Not the one in an improbable. No, no, no, no, those are my friends. Yeah What Tony Tina? I did a movie with them and when I go to Chicago We got to eat the uncle Frank owns a restaurant in fucking North Hole in the wall on Monday nights, you know, what's his name? We're going to eat not bad I would I went in there twice nice people They have an office in that building and that's what they do. You want me to say something Sebastian? When I left Seattle before I left Seattle, they were courting me to be sunny and Tina and Tony's wedding

You gotta see these fucking guys They would come down every night to the county shows when are you gonna come up and do it? I brought up my girlfriend up to the dinner that fucking bland pasta they give you and those hard rolls and shit and People sing them while you're eating. I was I can't do that to people Okay, I can't do it to people. I don't want people doing it to me and shit. How long did you do it for? Year went, you know the whole thing. Hey, I was Gino Cappellini the best man to Joey and Yeah, I was in character the whole thing. My family would come down Was an Irish thing though, too

They had the Irish side was the was the bride and her brother and Irish priests So it was Italian and Irish coming together very nice Yeah, it was big was it like scripted or was it? It was a loose script, but all improv, you know, you would go up to people they would come and they would go I haven't seen you in a while Well, you've been and then you know, you would do it and they would go And we would make people characters and I'd get in a fight with a guy verbally. What are you looking at my wife for you?

You know, it was like looking back at it was kind of dumb, but uh, You know, it was an acting. It worked. It really worked. It worked Do you think it'd be hard to do stand-up? Going into it with no No drama no acting no anything background at all No, everybody does it like that. Well, no, but not kind of but like you Joey Are just kind of like you always act on the street and did that and you I did it in Prison and stuff like that and then now with this with with the show

It seems like a lot of the people do have some sort of background in it It's informal background right absolutely like very informal Like I would sing in the sixth grade at the end. I was talking about the other day. I would sing Did that get me ready for stand-up? I have no fucking idea, you know Uh, but eliminate the fear of going up in front of people because there were girls You gotta sing up in front of and I go up there and and fucking sing My eyes are dodgy You know walk around my button opening the shirt like I was Gino Mussolini and I couldn't fucking

And then I don't know I played the I sang in a band I never went to acting class you before you worked out like did you really I've been I went out here I've I've been to acting but you never went when you lived in Chicago No, but I think it was better than because I went into the audition no acting experience nothing I saw it in the newspaper. I went down. I did it the guys like you got the job So because I didn't know any better. I just you just go in and you don't Think about it Opposed to maybe when you take a class you're a little bit more in your head and I don't know

I always thought the organic natural way is just the way to go. No, I agree with you. It's really weird I we I have a thing for that you get smart That's what it's called. You get smart. All of a sudden you get smart. You think, you know, you don't know dick And if you just go in and keep it simple, you don't know nothing. I don't know nothing Can you sing? I don't know nothing. You know, can you do an accent? I don't know nothing You know, there's a lot I came to do whatever the fuck. Yeah, that's the best I agree with you I had somebody tell me wants to get out of acting class Like a big-time actor said get out of acting class and I quit the next week

He goes get out because they're gonna ruin your natural. Yeah, patois with that bullshit There's an argument either way. Yeah. No, there's I didn't want to stay in it anymore I couldn't stay in it like most people do a year around you do a year around No, I was doing it recently For a sitcom I did I went to my acting coach and it helped me Absolutely. No, no, no, no going always There's dip. Listen if I make you come in on Tuesdays, okay Every Tuesday at 10 o'clock and one week you and Lee one week you and fucking Morticia Adams one week you and wheels

Do a scene from a fucking movie in front of 16 people who've never acted before in their life They're scared shit. Let that wait and go to that fucking intermediate level before they go out in an audition because I was involved Yeah Well, they're like, we don't want you to go on no auditions. I remember coming in when they going dog I booked four episodes on a fucking sitcom. Meanwhile, you don't want me to go on fucking auditions. Were you crazy? You know, you're making this too hard than what it is. I say it a thousand times if you can fog up the bottom of a glass You could act All right, don't take no fucking genius when I dog with these fucking rappers

They go like this. Look like that they switch There's a couple that need to work along the way, but they got it Have you seen some people that just fucking can't act in their comics? They just can't fucking act. They just can't Materializing you look at and go, holy fuck. We do that shit every night at the comedy store That's what we're doing on stage and in just a bigger way, you know, yeah But what are you gonna do? What uh So when you do what you're doing One on one that's fucking tremendous one on one. Yeah one on one is tremendous

You know and they go over the scene with you and tell you what the motivation of the scene is and to give the character a Full fucking name and give him a background sheet. All that stuff is fine. I don't know I do it still today Yeah, I get an audition. I fucking print up the sides And whatever I start writing the day of the audition who the casting director is The director I look up on imdb with the director. I see what I'll see directed Maybe it's a style of me whatever and then I write the fucking scenes what I have to do in every scene I don't write every line It's me saying fuck you or something else. So I'll just put whatever the three scenes is I give the character a background

And that's it I make it look like I really worked on I take the script and fucking crimp it up and then go in there like man I've been up for four fucking days What's that outline for is that for them? No for me. That's just for you. So I have this fucking So I can go in the shower and make believe But it's really weird when I have an audition it all starts in the shower Like I read the sign to read and once I know the lines

Then I go to the audition at 11 30. I jump in the shower with 10 even though I took a shower at eight I take another shower at 10 and I go in the shower as that dude And I come out as that dude I get dressed as that dude for the part And I comb my hair like I think that dude with his which is my hairdo because I ever changed the hair I got one hairdo right since day one. This is it. There ain't no fucking differences in my hairdo I don't think we're gonna see a different hair. So no, it's one hairdo Sometimes I comb it to the side sometimes like for spider-man too. I put a Yankee hat on it's a guy in a fucking train He's got a Yankee hat on he's in book with a Yankee hat on. Yeah, you know, I go into the shot

I go into the car as that guy I drive to the audition as that guy the whole time I'm driving in the audition. I'm saying the lines in my head Thinking about this guy, you know if I do the scene before I leave You follow me because a lot of time you don't walk in the room you turn the light on there's a thousand things You do when you walk in the room So I just want to give it a little realness so they go, okay, there's my fucking rehearsal. He did something Yeah, and the dick I smoked the joint and fucking did it I read the scenes one time I read them again

Then I smoke a joint now don't touch it for like an hour then I come back and attack and I make my notes I yell out I put the fucking dots where they belong my little notes when I'm really trying to say I go in there prepared I try them, you know It was interesting. I got to go. Uh, sorry. I got to go see you like I Do an audition the other day doing do an audition on tape. Oh the voice over the voice over and it was like We I used to do that for you when we first started working together for with video But you were funny. So the camera always like would shake so I think you stopped calling me

But like I was there and it was cool because like the first time you did it was good But like it's like the each time you do it It would get like a little bit different a little bit have like a get a little bit Clear more hard. Yeah, I'm like see see more like acting. That's like reading and then I started making notes If you watch me I started making notes who he was talking to how you would talk to that person. So yeah, listen, man They give you a shot. I don't at this point. We've been here so long. It don't fucking matter You do the thing you go down there you walk out. There was a time when I'd sit there for a week, man Oh, yeah, call me at one in the morning in the beginning you're like, yeah, that's

You know call your agent anything on that yet. Did we did we get any feedback? No, nothing So you were just everything would hang on that one thing but like you said now 18 years You get in the car you start the car. That's it. You go on lunch. You like what are you gonna do? What am I gonna do? I love it. I love it when sometimes they call you for an audition But there's a good pizza place close to the fucking audition and you just got your morning plan done. That's it The years ago was fucking venice When I first moved to venice was the hotspot because they had that pizza on a bagel crust. Yeah

So every time you got a call to go down there, you were fucking It didn't be a favor. Have you ever guys ever had like a Disaster like you have like that favorite place But you go before the audition and get like pizza sauce on your shirt or like or Anything like crazy like that in audition. I don't eat. I don't eat before I do any audition or before I do any stand-up comment There's no eating involved just because of that reason and number two. I don't want anything coming up on me during The performance, I mean, I don't eat lunch and then go to one o'clock audition. Do you follow me? But I eat breakfast if I have an 11 o'clock audition. Yeah breakfast today. That's why I take the second shower

The second shower is very critical for you critical that puts me in the shower and I'm bathing like the guy I'm doing everything like the guy how the guy would do it at least in my head. You know what I'm saying? Maybe he washes his toes I'll do that I get on my hands and knees and scrub my toes with the toenail fucking thing I'll do something different that that guy would do that. I don't do you got a toenail thing in the shower Well, it's whatever you like that with your fingernails, you know, I think you clean your fingernails That's in the shower. What else would you put it? I don't I don't I don't use one But I don't know if it would be in the shower. Sure would next to the rock whether you chisel the fucking heel it

But see we don't have to use that rock no more my wife bought me the sander Oh, what the what the stick? No, no, this is a little handle And you fucking sand the bottom of your feet you take a nice shower Oh tremendous. This is an electronic or battery operated battery operate. You get the electronic Out of the shower. No, you have to let your feet fucking dry Sebastian and then you dry them off nice You put them up you watch two episodes of narco Make sure a fan's hitting your feet and all of a sudden they start getting dry like ready to crack

And you take that fucking buffers And you start buffing the bottom of your feet smoke comes up. I can't wait. Where does the skin? On the floor It's not skin. It comes down like dust It's like how dust and shit you pile it into a little pile and it's like skin with like dirt mixed up Skin gets in your feet. Anyway, even if you fucking wash your feet eight times a day like I do Skin grows over that dirt real fast I I I I get it. I'm just concerned about the dust about the dust. Let me tell you what happened yesterday

I was falling into the living room. No, I was buffing my toe. I usually do it outside now I was buffing my toe and the cat came over and I hit him with the thing not hit him But I went to bed his head and next you know, all that toe dust went on his head and shit I felt so bad for Demi. I had to wipe it off Well, isn't that the dust that like when we were moving we smoked out of that little That was a box. Is that the dust? Is that your foot dust? It could be. Oh god What the hell is happening over at your house? I had to I put Listen to what happened. There's a box next to my chair and I got my toenail clipper in there

You got the fucking fungi nail to get under the nail with the fucking thing. It's great But out what I did last night was you cut your fungi nail before you go to sleep And you make sure the point is hanging up and in the middle of the night you kick your wife That little fucking stick Where you arm yourself like you just cut your toe a little bit Oh, wow This poor guy he's done He's Lee is done. I'm not done. Yes, you hear you're done. You're done. Look at you. No, you're not that bad

You're not falling asleep. No, I'm good. Oh my god Do you have a fungi toenail? Okay, listen to me. What happened any type of product that is used for your feet Should not be in open display. No, I put it in a box I put up all that shit dog. Who the fuck you think you're doing? I don't but it is the The the the the toolbox of of toenail stuff out in the living room. No, no, no, I haven't hit and then I break it out I'd never be ghosted about get away. You were so what happened was one night I went outside before I did my feet And I took a canister full of weed like this

But sometimes you don't close it right So when I walked back in I threw the canister in there to finish buffing my feet and the weed spilled out It's 40 dollars worth of weed. I can't throw it away. So whatever was in there got smoked. You know what I'm saying toenails Fucking foot does whatever the fuck was in there. Hey, we've all done worse. You know what I'm saying, whatever was in there Oh, wow That reminds me never to uh like like what's in that thing? This is pure weed This didn't fall in the box. You know what I'm saying Was not even like a one percent nothing nothing nothing nothing the other one had little pieces of aluminum in it

From the bubblegum and shit. We were smoking that look as a fuck. You got it. It's all good for you It's all good for you though I guess so So what was joey when because I don't think we've ever talked about this When you when you first met joy, what was your first impression of him? I got this guy. It was great. I mean it was at the comedy store. We've met it was in the parking lot near uh Near that that thing that goes up to the belly room. I think I remember this very specifically now Who do you hang? Who did you hang out with then? I hung out with brat Ernst? I hung out with mike young

That's right. That's right. Sam Tripoli um Yeah, that was like our little crew that we had at the at the uh at the store, but then I met you And it was just one of these things where you know very uh outgoing Like no one I've ever met before. I mean I come from the northwest suburbs of chicago and uh And this guy comes out and you were very personable and very friendly and uh And then you left for a while and now you came back That's it every once in a while. You gotta fucking open the door and take a hike

And then you fucking decide when you come back. That's it. No, I always thought you know I always checked up on you and arie would always give me fucking sebastian reports Was that you got arie and you hung yeah arie on me always hung and then I remember going to dalis one time And and uh at that time you were dating a girl from dalis. Yeah, this has to be six years ago Yeah, this was seven years ago. Yeah, a while back. This was 2000 and what a way No, yeah 2008. Yeah, this is a while ago and I remember talking to the dude and telling me that But I would just wouldn't see you in circles How we go on the road and go to the improv and do brain and all that shit

But I just wouldn't go but a story, you know, so But it's really weird. You know, you're getting old when you see these kids that Were kids now fucking making it happen. They're running shit. Yeah, it's crazy And you see the evolution you see the filling, you know, you see all these different things I mean, can you believe paulie still traveling? It's crazy. Is it fucking weird? Like I grew up on paulie both of us did right when we were in high school paulie was blowing up He was huge. He was fucking huge. It was huge paulie show was fucking huge when I was growing up movies and seno man

I love that. I love it. You know, man, he's still around. He's still fucking touring every week or every other week or something It's amazing The longevity. I mean just to have that career and just be able to do it. I'm constantly thinking myself the the fear of People not coming back to the show, you know, I don't know if you ever get that in your head If you do a stand-up show and every night you hope those people come back next time you're there, you know, it's very You know, it's a lot of pressure to go out there and give a killer performance and and just go and go

I hope they I hope they come back, you know, because you never know in this business. I mean if if you know, it's very unstable You work how many weeks the last 10 years you work how many weeks a month you were going out there a lot for a while Yeah, I was uh, it's a 2005 to uh, 2013 was that's all he did was just uh He said go to the every pretty much every weekend. I told my agent whatever comes in Whatever wherever I'll go went to the Middle East wherever wherever I got to go to

Not only make money just to get better I didn't really pay attention to the tv to film. I just wanted to get better doing stand-up comedy and That went on for about seven years. I never was a featured road guy never opened up for anybody I worked at the four seasons For seven years and I worked locally at the at the improv or the comedy store laugh factory And then developed kind of on the road doing doing my thing. So it was very interesting. It's been an interesting fucking journey Very now before we even get any further thank you, uh

you The situation has come in town when people go to hey, man I did this but I'll get you on the next one. Do you ever get that like people go? I'll get you on the next one or whatever. I got to thank you for calling me into audition for your pilot Oh, absolutely because in my world when somebody thinks of you That's a fucking unbelievable like when people think of me. I go holy shit You know because you don't know how somebody's gonna react You know, they get a tv show and they won't talk to you. They think that you and when somebody gets a tv show

I'm fucking happy for them But I also know how all the stars have to align, you know, like, you know, and all the stars are aligned for you You had fucking Greg Garcia. It was a savage, you know You know and now fuck it. They said no whatever the weather censors it But you still got a great career going on and you got 90 other 2000 other fucking networks Sebastian Yeah, no, that's our that's the beauty about today that it doesn't really matter no more. It doesn't really matter No, it doesn't I mean at least I got the experience of doing all that, you know the casting and Watching people come in and audition and being behind that

Camera instead of in front of it. How was it? It was It would it changed my way. I would go into a room Uh doing auditions just to watch because you tell you could tell when people come in whether or not They're good or not Just just the behavior the nonverbals the the way they put the notebook down and you know, like hey, you know Like it just oh jerry and jerry said to say hello to you Oh, you know jerry. Yes. I'm good friend today. He's a character. Oh my god And you're sitting outside going I didn't get this fucking rope

And then you sit there listen to the guy and you're like that guy, you knew jerry cucksucker You would die without jerry in this town. You're terrible. That's the worst when people show up with brownies and shit to auditions Hi, sebastian Tony's our mutual friend Tony back. Yeah. Oh my god, Tony. Yes. Yes. She says you love strawberry brunette We made you some the strawberries we got from my father's farm and you're sitting there going off Oh when they show up with the costume Oh, yeah, the the police is a police officer when they show up with the costume. They're not that good You don't show up with a costume. I don't give a fuck if they call you and tell you to show up with a costume

I won't show up with a costume. Yeah No, no way But it was interesting to see people walk in and and do exactly what you're saying nobody brought doughnuts, but it you know Oh, you know the casting director they would hug if they knew them. I don't know. I just thought it was like As as people casting a tv show you want the guy or girl to come in and do very well So we don't really because it's grueling man. It's grueling. It's terrible. I mean to go It's weeks of it People coming in and in and in you know the lines you're saying them in your head to yourself. Oh, yeah

Yeah, it's just that you're looking for someone to make it their own I told one guy one guy got any any advice for me the guy I go just just be funny guy And uh, I think it threw him off Like he looked at me like it was uh You know like I was I was just like just make us laugh. We're dying over on this side of the room So, uh, it was uh, it was an experience from the wardrobe to the

to the set design to uh All that, you know, I mean you made a tv show and uh Working with tony danza who was who played my father and uh, you know, here's a guy. I grew up talking about grew up watching Huh Taxi I you know And then I watched the show with the little girl. I like that show. Oh, I lost even her. She's sassin for you gotta sit Then go how much money she got? I don't know tense indicated shows. It's crazy It's crazy

I always sit Let's say my distance at 11 I go at 10 15 and it pisses casting people off, but I don't read at 10 15 I'm prepared but I tell them I want to look over it again And I sit there and I'll listen to how the three guys in front of me read Oh, I like that and they all read the same way. I'll change up my audition right there on the spot I will change it up on the spot of all three of them going there and read it the same way You're done in my world. I got to switch it up

I you know over the years from going because I was going member of Sebastian I got here in 97 And by 99 they had me going into these rooms Sebastian. No, no, I think I'm looking in the face as a brother First move our audition for was I went in for NYPD blue and as I was walking out Did you ever go in for NYPD? No, you had to go to the end of fox You couldn't believe they made you do this midway

You go like I'm walking 20 minutes and you go up to security. Go. Yeah. Yeah go all the way to the end It's the last the Bosco building. Oh, yeah, it's down there In a car you're like seven minutes from the gate. Can you imagine walking 90 degrees black fucking tarp? You got your mafia fucking warm-up suit on, you know You're sweating profusiously dog and I went over to uh I was playing a columbian something And I went over to the fucking NYPD blue against my best wishes and it was like a fucking 17 page audition and I ate dick

I just got in here Sebastian And as I was walking back I put my hood and sweatshirt on And it had two strings. I'll never forget this. I looked at the strings all of a sudden I kept walking straight and lady of me almost crashed and she goes a year for the audition I go, yeah You got your paperwork. I go. No, they never gave it to me And she goes here read this And I went in there read it. There was baseball

And I booked it. Wow. I didn't know nothing about nothing I didn't know mark the action. I knew nothing nothing. I watched movies. I'm not that fucking stupid. I watched movies And after that like I went to a couple more auditions and I got a manager and the guy had grown up in Beverly Hills So all you had to do Sebastian was call him. Let me tell you how good the guy was Jimmy Schubert went out one night got hamming and went in for a pilot and fucked it up He got Jimmy Schubert back in there two days late This is an agent. This was a manager. He quit now. He's in vegas doing teen and toni's wedding And then he quit he sold his half and now he's doing

Who the fuck knows what he's doing? But that's that guy was he got me out to the first I went into rooms with john travolta I was you know, this is 99 guy 2000 me and billy goddell 10 in the morning with travolta and fucking The guy who did drugstore cowboy in a fucking dump on western and sunset Just close your eyes. Think of western and sunset across from that nasty mcdonald's. There's a building. That's a big time audition building Oh, yeah, no exactly where that is. You know exactly what it is upstairs upstairs downstairs

Yeah, I know exactly where that is. It's crazy man when you go into these auditions and and and and what happens in there I like you know what the audition that me and you did for the bill marthing. I just knew we got that Right when we were in the room You remember that for politically incorrect. Yes. Yes. Yes. We auditioned together together. Yes, and uh I think you actually took me aside and said we're going in there. Yeah, go come on. I looked around and I saw the people that were lurking around you And I go wait a second. He's a really good-looking guy. He's gino And i'm the bad guy. I'm i'm fucking uh, I could be anybody come on Yeah, I looked at the combinations

And it was a bad sense of combinations And this was this was What what if he had already had another partner? He was talking people were mingling around. I just took him. It was like you ever gonna You go to mexico There's a hooker. There's one good looking one of the fat ones you run for that corner And tackle that fucking one and just grab it by the fucking head in the hand You know that that's what because I knew I go this is the chemistry right here

The surprise ones had already been going for about a year or two. Yeah, that's why they had been doing it was mafia week mafia week Yep Then we went to some warehouse to shoot that Culver city. Yeah, and they told us both not to touch them Is that what they said? Yeah, they pulled us aside and said whatever you do Don't touch bill ball. Don't shake his hand I was just happy to be there. I was like me too great and we got three hundred and five dollars And it took us a year to get it. It's called a promo on sag. It's a fucking short film to get you

I thought I was making like 17 times Like I called my agent the next day I said listen, uh, when can I pick up an advance? I need some money advance on what? The fucking promo I did. Yes. That's gotta be big bucks. It's abc prime time. Yeah, bill ma was prime time I thought we were fucking at least getting seriously 25 fucking hundred Seriously, I was like, we're getting 25 hundred He goes, no, let me look at the contract. No, you're getting three hundred five dollars and I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I was on a string of deserts in those days

But I kept booking these uh in those days the the sheet thing Sebastian Was these four sixty fives? Oh, is that this uh modified? Sag I went on I booked eight of those In a row four sixty five four. I couldn't take them no more. How many four sixty fucking fives can you draw at me? I moved here because everybody said you make thousands of dollars Everybody was booking pilots. Oh, I made 38 thousand on that last pile. How did you make 38 thousand? They gave me 12 50 and had a rehearsal and fucking go down and put a suit on and fucking

Table read everybody was getting rich and I'm getting four sixty six a movie. I didn't complain. I was very fortunate And I was get I would get two days a day two days a day Then my man saved me. His name is Rodney danger field I went into that stupid fucking movie and he goes listen. I already cast your role, but just show up And I asked my agent. What is it pay? He goes four sixty six a day. God damn it How many days? I might get three. I end up busting the banquet like 11 That was the biggest check I've had in my life. Just to show up I I know I went every day and he made me do something like he made me play jojo

Did you know him never never I almost shit my pants when I walked in the room They auditioned me next to uh right on sunset across from that fucking Down the block from the comedy bar And Miyagi Oh, yeah, but you don't really hit the hotel the standard right there on this side across from the standard This I forget what her name was she was big time I went in there Rodney was in the room and a couple guys from the comedy store from the old days and I read and they said just show up

Just show up And that's why I met those two dudes from Chicago that run teen and tony's wedding He was my partner in that fucking movie. He was my italian psychic. Yeah, so you were booking stuff early on out here Then then you had like a run with the with the spider man. You had like a run A run I would just I've learned how to mail auditions You don't want to see me Sebastian You don't want to see me. That's fine. I understand but I got this character If you don't want to see me don't see me, but let me put it on tape me

Is that what you did? How you like me now? I started taking down offense Because they didn't want to see me. Wait a second. I move here. I take an acting class I do eight fucking co-stars, you know, I don't know what I really did at the time But it was like eight co-stars like I was getting fucked in the ass from every, you know You move here and they go once you get a tv spot your money goes up and you want to be weak Boom mad tv the sopranos got really hot. They did a mad tv fucking sketch None nobody's still wanted to hire me

Like everybody else got hired they they went on mad tv and you're high and they're getting fucking two thousand a week And so I still can't get fucking hired So that's what it was. It was like, uh I was booking a bunch of co-stars And then I moved on to the movies and I started getting these Four sixty hundred dollar movies were not around there That wasn't around there and that just fucking came in about seven years ago after the strike The lowest I ever got was four sixty six and I got that fucking 305 from the promo. I thought it was gonna be big bucks

And then I booked something and they paid me scale for the first time and I was like Motherfucker We got them now Here we go. Here we go. And then one of the string of scales And I never forget when I got spider-man 2 they offered me scale one day And you want me to tell you what my manager said to me at the time? She goes don't take it

She goes I wouldn't do spider-man 2 for one day That scale and I go what about the residuals? She goes you're not gonna get any And I thought about it. I took it and I fired I sent her a letter Your services are known. I'm a comic You got exposure. Yeah, that's the biggest movie of the year if your scene stays in it You know what I'm saying? What do you give a fuck? Norton had the first one Jim Norton had spider-man one. Oh, he was in that. Yeah, they asked him a question

Here's the fuck that guy likes comics And then I started getting scale scale scale, but then again everybody else is getting I got 8 000 a day for that I'm still getting fucking scale What the fuck That's funny. It's very interesting man. What does that mean for people who don't scale is 6 60 a day? And I'm not complaining people But no, let me complain to you people. Let me complain. Let's pretend you get 6 60 10 percent goes to your agent That's 60 10 percent goes to your manager. That's 120

Half of it goes to taxes That's 300. Yeah, you know, so here you you grew up thinking man People working tv got a lot of fucking loot. Okay. You're still like joey. That's more than what I make But that's 300 hours for three days. That's 900 hours. I don't know when I'm gonna get my next fucking job Yeah, you gotta make that last you gotta make that last My my my question was just like what a scale is there a scale that you can get paid on based on the movie or Like I was just wondering what that meant budgets fucking budgets of these movies, but then step, you know your resume How how much popularity you have

See now you really got them what your twitter number is now you can fuck with tv movies and shit Because for a while they were saying they weren't gonna give book deals to people Unless you have 75,000 followers or something crazy. I just heard this shit And then I heard recently that they're getting involved with that for casting They're gonna start looking at twitter and facebook. They have a bunch of movies with like vine people It's pretty it's pretty scary because the movies are so cheap to produce now. They don't need that much money Yeah, but I don't know if that translates into a hard ticket sales not ticket sales, but downloads That's all they care about if they can get five five if they can get iTunes downloads from the teenage girls

That's all they care about. Yeah, but I don't they still got to pay for that, right? Yeah Yeah, but the parents give them iTunes cards or is that what this I just I the followers things I don't know if that translates into the ticket sales. Well I don't know. I don't know how it does. I just heard this maybe eight months ago I have a friend that's you know, we have active friends and the way we feel about staying up. They feel about acting They go to premieres They go to fucking poker celebrity poker things. I got one of those buddy. He's not a celebrity But he goes to the poker matches. He wears a hat and goes to fucking the Emmys. I don't even know how he gets in

You know what I'm saying? When everybody see him at the coffee shop over here, he we were talking one time and he was telling me I I didn't get this uh this uh movie because They said I wasn't very uh Alive on social media the guy that gave it to had a big social media following I never thought about it and then I heard like once or twice again after that didn't make a difference to me I'm not hunting that game down. You know saying it's not that I'm not trying to hunt down movies and shit, but it just seemed

I could see being being like a Tiebreaker or something if there's two actors like Sebastian if you if you were gonna book your show another show and you have someone with A brand new to la who's amazing who might be the next brad pit or you have someone Who has 200,000 twitter followers, but it has grew good or great you might would you choose them? Or do you think you'd go for the best one speaking from experience? We never looked at social media at all during the casting process. However, uh, you do have an advantage if

You know, you've been on other shows or absolutely, you know, you have some experience in And you're a name Opposed to maybe a guy who you know not that I I believe this but you know There's some network and maybe some studio executives that would want someone who Has a name that would draw eyeballs to the show but same difference same difference Let me ask you this. This is the one that kills me because this is what this is the guy I love to be You know to get to go on a roll You have to also go on an audition role

People don't understand how hard it is unless CAA or ICM go listen my buddy an agent told me that he's your fan Sebastian He wants to meet with you for lunch. He has a role three days He's a fan and you go down and do it But then there's the fucking uh, I lost my train of thought there. I gotta stop smoking I forget what the fuck I was gonna say But then there's oh, no, no, okay. I'm sorry. I knew what I was gonna say I thought I said already and then there's the train of thought where it was me

I was a fat fucking dirty comic And I had a medium theatrical age, but I was also getting the breakdowns And I was also going acting class on top of going to the comedy store So I was chit chatting with those fucking momos And at the same time getting breakdowns So and I learned the breakdown game and one of the things I realized and I want you to know for if you ran through this How many times a guy come in? Maybe a comedic actor

okay You've seen him on three tv shows You particularly don't like him. I mean that is a human being as far as what the fuck he's done tv shows You don't get it. Yeah, but he's here NBC loves him. You know, he's amazing And now I got this fucking Let me just throw a name out there Ingram That comes in that room and sizzles that motherfucker three times

Without even trying, you know, and you know You know and Sebastian you're sitting there holding your face going. What do I do? Not because you know Ingram I'm not talking about that. Yeah, I'm talking about because this guy has been the sixth man on Or the fifth man on shows But my little dirty fucking Ingram came in here and sizzled his ass three times to prove and each time he changed the auditioner Became with something else. Yeah, that's the I'm saying. What do you do now the network gets involved and no Yeah, uh You got to pick your battles. That's what you got to do. Uh, I didn't run into that too much

I think we cast well actually we there was some stipulations on who network wanted and and you know, there's always the You got to be diverse and You know, even though i'm writing about the people I grew up with You know, maybe I didn't grow up with a chinese guy or maybe I didn't grow up with a tranny That kind of become a tranny

We went diversely. Yeah, so the verse wasn't it wasn't that transsexual in your neighborhood Sebastian growing up and you're like, listen, let me tell you something Yeah, so yeah, but I mean I always were looking for the funny. I mean to me the funny was the Was was was it but sometimes you got a you know tiptoe around things Last night a show got tortured online And it's like I don't watch tv but A tv show now like a network tv show is on so I think it's an it's an antiquated thing. Yeah, I know it really is you ever read like what the network's bought

Oh, yeah Yeah, but like i'm like when you just like you just know they're not even seeing it To read it is the best When you go to a back page or one of those Industry things and you open it up and it says films and pre-production And then they'll say tv shows and pre-production. They'll say pilots bought you got a scrap That's when you put your glasses on you throw a nicotine gun and get a cup of coffee because get ready to laugh And it's you read it Sebastian and right away you think of the three shows

A gay man moves to new york to find themselves and moves in with a girl And they become lovers, you know I don't know if that happened before But it's just as you're reading the what is that called that first two lines the the log line the log line You're like what the fuck A god a divorced woman a divorced man meeting a laundry man and now they have to raise their six children Isn't that the fucking brady bunch? You know, he just keeps growing and it's

Once they run out of that show then they start mixing and matching Then they start mixing and matching again, you know, it's like it's like films when they get The hot black guy and they put him up with the hot white guy You know and then they after 48 hours they tried to make everything 48 hours They wanted to make everybody Eddie Murphy and that's what they fucking But man, I congratulate you on the whole tv experience It was fun. I bet you learned a lot. It was nice I bet you couldn't wait to get the fuck out of that again and get back out on the road and do some fucking shows

Oh, yeah, you start chomping at the bit a little bit, you know doing that one thing Over and over the casting and all that stuff and then the rehearsal and the dry rehearsal Which was all great experience and then I had my family come out to watch the filming of it My father was there and you know talking to Tony Danza and Here I got my real father and my and Tony Danza playing my father just they're talking Of course, my father was you know talking to Tony Danza go. You need any you need any tips I mean, you know, you need to know what I You know what I do, you know

Uh A family is very very involved in what I do, especially when I come home To chicago and they want tickets my father's like I need tickets You got to give me some tickets and I go dad, you know, I mean I'm trying to make a living Hey for people to come see me perform But you know, he's an emigrant, uh soul. So he's like, hey, I'm your father when I want I get he's very proud of you Sebastian's very proud. What does he want like two or three? Get the fuck out of here two or three. I don't even know his father and I'm telling you what he wants

He wants a small 40 He promised Gino at the barbershop and the dudes at the bakery want to come see you remember little nicky You play pity basketball. They want to come see what they don't make money. No, but they don't have 2250 What the fuck I haven't seen little nicky in ten years now. He wants to come see me. They make up the bakery Oh, yeah, man, it's a lot of that stuff going on. My father would negotiate I think like he's like, hey, I gotta get the contractor that did my My bathroom a couple of tickets. I think he negotiates the price With the two tickets included and then when I come to town

I'm paying basically off My father's favors with tickets So, uh, but it's good man. He's he's a proud father. So it's your family. How's your mom by all this? My mom is She lives out here. So with my sister's living out here too. So at least I got some family here and She's she's great. I mean she loves She thinks every shows like the Emmys, you know, she's coming to chicago the chicago theater. She'll get dressed up You know, it's it's a big to do for her, you know, and and and my wife as well, you know, it's exciting

It's it's an exciting time where, you know, you get to share it with the people that you love and and And it's it's good. It's good. I can't I'm knowing my wife is in the audience drives me fucking crazy No, oh, you come on. No, it drives me. Why is it mass drives me crazy? I don't know I don't like her to see it took me years to be able to perform in front of my friends Really to what the dudes I grew up with years So now we have like a silent thing I don't bust your balls and you don't come to the show

We get together when I go home first night. We all get together But they don't ask and I don't ask They ask one time where you perform is Gotham. Yeah, okay Can you get his tickets? Yeah, I'll get you two. I don't hear from them till the next morning. And that's fine I'd rather not Do you know what I'm saying? It's very hard for me to perform in front of my friends. I don't know why Over time little by little shit gets out there. They watch it on youtube. I don't feel that bad Like for years, I wouldn't let my friends kids come see me

I would go to the house and the girl's like, but they're gonna come into the city. No, you're fucking not dog I don't want them at the show and they would look at me like in shock And I go Mike, I don't want them at the show because I say fucking weird shit I'm talking about coke and fucking around and I don't want them at the show But then they rolled and they watch videos. So they listen to the fucking podcast Yeah How can you hide what you do on stage when you do this here's youtube? I mean, it's not 1981

Yeah, we're done joey. I was saying about that. There's probably parents who are like you can't listen to the joey deas podcast Like we're probably like banned from like little like middle school kids. It's it's uh I just don't want my am right now this little girl Okay, let's talk about that. How old is your daughter three? Okay, so when she starts to get older seven eight nine ten This is gonna be a ban on on on her watching anything that daddy does I don't think that she'll fucking go on the computer looking for daddy Unless somebody mentions it to her

And if somebody mentions it to her, I'll go listen man. I'm a writer I'm not lying to it when I tell him a writer I'm not telling her the full book. I don't want my child to Grow up with that entertainment mentality that she'd go to school and act like that. I don't like that shit, Sebastian I grew up in entertainment kids and I see how the fuck they act and you come out here And you go to auditions and you see what happens to these kids. Oh, yeah And uh, I don't want to put my daughter in a school system where you know, she goes to school with fucking some directors kids and producers kids

And you see how the fuck they act, you know, they've had an annual their fucking life, you know That shit bothers the fuck out of me. I don't want her to really uh feel like She could be cute because her dad's a comedian. Can you imagine if your dad was a comedian? How would you act at school? You go to the front of the fucking class every day do 10 minutes Do you know what I'm saying? I mean you with I mean it's half of it sounds a little fucked up to you But the other half It's in her blood dog. Yeah, she's my cousins are in the national fucking band in cuba. My mom had a bar, you know

What it's in it's in the valdez side of the fucking blood. That's what they do They're fucking perform. I didn't know nothing about that shit till they I was going home one day They went to the improv they were coming out here to tape a fucking song something I grew up Wanted to be a stand-up comedian, you know I wanted to be an attorney, but then when I got the felony The dream went down the tube. I had a fucking improvise. You know what I'm saying quickly This your mom had a bar in new york city. We used to but before she died We had a born union city in new jersey right by the Lincoln tunnel

What what kind of is a cuban bar cuban born in irish italian neighborhood? You want to nasty serve rice and beans and shit. That's it. Wow But uh Yeah, I didn't I didn't it's not like at the age of 13. This is what I wanted to fucking do One water buddy. No, I'm good. I'm good at the age of 13. This was the most distant fucking thing from my mind Did I have richer prior albums? Fuck. Yeah I had three of those bitches And I would put them on for my friends and they were fucking that joe would drop me

You know, I'm an immigrant kid. I love that type of language When I would hear those words I would my head would blow up Sebastian So you had no idea that you were getting into the entertainment business until not at all not at all In 87 before I got locked up. I had a roommate that used to tell me he had a friend down here That did camera work and I would always break his balls call your friend, dog Call your friend. See if you get me in the movies. I thought it was just like that You know, when you don't live here, you really think that Dog, I know Sebastian Monskalk. I'll call he can get me on fucking Tim Allen's show. He knows people

They see I don't know nobody people think you know people. We don't know body nobody. I get hit Once a week with a stupid request from people, you know From people on facebook or twitter. Hey man. I need a big favor and if you to contact, uh John Leguizamo, I'm doing a benefit for kids. What makes you think I know John Leguizamo Who was the look I got one this week? I got I just got one like this is what I'm bringing up I just got one like sunday For somebody. Oh marky warburg People think I know marky warburg. I don't know. I never seen marky. Oh, we see them one time

Didn't you see him with me? I saw him one time or somebody told me they saw. I don't know what the fuck He goes to church in the valley Oh, my wife. Yeah I never seen a fucking guy for some reason people think we know marky warburg I gotta call all the fucking time from people man. Hey, do you bump into slash? Slash, yeah, I got one of those in july What did you say? Oh, yeah, I see slash every day as I go play fucking You know drums with him every every afternoon. I got uh, I mean, you know one of those like nigerian

Brent's emails with money for the podcast It even said i'm rella. I'm a big fan of your podcast Give a bunch of money. How much did you say? Yeah, I didn't I didn't I'm not gonna respond to that We'll hit him back. Let's see if we can work out a deal with the africans. We'll send you over to pick up the envelope They'll go do you have you seen that documentary? What's that like? I don't know if I was seeing it or who did it But a few years ago they did that like they actually got people to like make uh

Like appointments to meet these people and they like interviewed them like what are you doing like where you going with this money? Like it was pretty interesting Some people fucking crazy though. So what's next with sabastian? What's next? We're going on a tour 2016 17. We just announced that this week It's called the why would you do that tour which is coinciding with the special that's airing on saturday and uh, this is a All theater tour across the country about 27 cities. So uh, yeah, we're uh

We're uh, we're gonna go on the road man. We're gonna knock some cities out So how long is the 27 cities one year or actually taking us into uh, mid june of next year So we're booked out till mid june So you're booked out till 218 is what you're talking about. No, no 17 17 Okay, I'm a little scared. I'm like you like the Beatles You think I am pit bull by the time but at it but by that time you hate the microphone. Fuck you I don't want to see you in cocksucker No, no, we just got to to mid june and then uh, you know, my wife and I were trying to start a family. So

You know, we're uh, we're juggling. Is that why you're looking only to me? She got the pasta off you She got you drinking can't squeeze a lemon juice and shit. What the fuck's a bastion? I tell you man My wife is very in shape. She's an ex gymnast. So she's she takes care of herself And I eat like an animal. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I just love to eat But she's very, you know, hey, you know, maybe you should watch that I mean, she's kind of like I gotta go in the refrigerator and then she Look, what are you doing? It's like midnight. I can get a little ice cream. No

And she goes, hey, you know, maybe you want to lay off the ice cream She's good. She keeps me What are you for breakfast egg whites, don't you? No, I uh Let's call the brad scramble. I go to a place on wilshire and fairfax. Sorry, wilshire and hauser That's where I used to live It's called black dog coffee. I go in there for a little scramble With some turkey sausage

spinach and onion Get that in the morning Love chipotle for a little lunch. Oh, Jesus Christ and then We love, uh, we love cooking. I love, uh, the little steak at the house you cook at night. Yeah Not many times a week at chipotle once a day Oh, Jesus Chicken bowl

Little guac The faces that Sebastian made when Joey was talking about his foot Are you a chipotle guy? People get sick I mean, I love you to death. You know the smartest guys. I know you take pictures of people's feet with flip-flops You know, you got class pizzazz. You wear a suit I thought you were making faces because you liked your fault. No, how can you eat that stuff? You're a talent You're a tank of you're a little such a quick bite a salient tank of death and you're eating that shit

Your intestines are fucking screaming every day sing fucking italian songs every time you or do you go? What do you get here's the fucking craziest thing when we take the craziest thing I just spent five days with my buddy Mr. Italian love my grub in his house fish pasta the whole fucking thing weights You know still goes to jiu jitsu 53 long shawm in the whole fucking deal He picked me up that day. We went to a restaurant. I didn't know why I went to this restaurant with all the good food We had right around the corner

And it was horrible and on the way out he goes Well, I should have went to chipotle And I go you really go there all the time or you just fucking me on the phone. He goes die and go there every day He's mr. Fitness mr. He don't eat this don't drink this Don't do drugs don't smoke And it would be the shit in blood And you're the only one walking around with a happy space. I'm gonna chipotle. How's this happening? What what's the recipe that you eat at chipotle?

I get a little bit brown rice some chicken and uh and a little mild salsa. That's it small And it's good. I like it and it's healthy. I don't know. I mean the health quotient. We don't know But your wife go there. She don't she don't go there. But does she know you go there? Yeah, and then what does she say you got to stop going this about she goes You should maybe relax with the chipotle. Okay, so then it's not fucking good for you then. Why do you go there? I don't know I thought it was healthy and nutritious and low carbs and they have the calorie and only information on the website But every time I went there I would get steak. It just didn't taste good

It tasted good good in a burrito because I think it was mixed together But in a bowl when you could just like taste individual meat. It just tasted like weird All right, well, maybe I'm off. Maybe I start making up my own lunch. Maybe maybe brown bag it No, I don't want you to brown bag it. I just can't figure you mr. Health I'm not mr. Health man. I mean, I like to eat I eat when do you eat if your wife watches you? It's not you gonna bring three It's not you gonna bring three fucking canoes home. You know what I'm saying? No, no, no, no, absolutely not but You know, I eat large amounts of food when I do eat breakfast lunch and dinner

Although the chipotle I kind of like, you know, keep it on. No down the block from Gotham Oh, man down the block from Gotham, you know what space I'm talking about. Oh, yeah I forget the name of it. But uh, I showed I sent him fucking pictures. He can't stop texting me back That's nice. I said that that look at these fucking Lots of tails from raspoles with the fucking powdered sugar and the fucking tiffani cream inside of you give me tiffani tiffani cream. What's that? Chantilly Tiffany same shit. You know what I'm saying? I fucked up the words

It's Later Whatever it's called. I don't fucking know. I don't know. It sounded like you knew what the hell it was I was gonna go out and ask my banker if he had tiffani cream not around here. You can't get these things I tried I walked in the first and I said can you ship them to my wife to go we can ship cookies No, can only's no, uh They can't do the lots of tails

And I only ate one in four fucking days. That's how good of resistance. I had same day. I went for chinese I might as well kill myself. I threw one of those lobster tails down What was that bread then I was in the straight narrow. What's what's in the lobster tail pastry? Uh, like a phyllo really fucking light with this cream that you've never tasted before I tell you this you never taste it. I mean, I know you got great bakeries in chicago all the time It's the same thing. This is probably has been there since 46 and the pastry is crunchy. Yes, anacho the uncle, you know All those people have been there. It's all they just remodeled it The grandmother died. They sank the fucking wheel into the place

Finally people are falling and shit I know people will say it's the tourist place and it is kind of but it's When we go to boston, I'm gonna go to mike's pastry and get you the lobster tail from there I'm waiting to go nowhere. I want you to stay close by because there's bad people close by. It's 10 minutes of the way Why are you gonna get there? I'll either walk or take the train. They have no uber There's no point in ubering. All right. If it's that close, I don't give a fuck No, I mean I could uber but it would like with all the one-way streets and stuff It would take too long. You had an uber experience

Yeah, I'm not for the first time I got caught at that pizza place one in the morning on friday night It's fucking raining in new york said got my nieces with me I never will be before. Oh, this is your first uber experience my first uber experience I can't believe they call it the uber experience. It's just a uber. All right There's no fucking experience. I got the back of a fucking car with some kids. He didn't suddenly an oblo either He had computers and shit, but it was 61 bucks to get back to edge water Is that a good rate To go over jersey at one in the morning and it's a 14 dollar toll. I would have gave him the yardstick easy

You drive me to my door, that's a yardstick bam right there No complaints. No nothing. You don't look at the meter. Why look at the meter. You drove me to my door There's no reason to look at the meter I just pop your yard and get in the fucking hotel. No one knows nothing You got me to my house safely. God bless you That's my mother's up in fucking purgatory looking down and you go you got my son home nice In the rain a thousand things for that. What do I give a fuck? When did you shoot the special my brother beacon theater look at you

Unlike the ninth night. What how many nights did you shoot there like 18 fucking nights just hold up Seven seven nights and bashing Congratulations on one night. Did you shoot the special? Saturday night, so I think we started what Wednesday Thursday Friday shot it Two shows Saturday, and then we did a show on Sunday. We didn't shoot But yeah, New York City is uh, it's my bread and butter over there. There's a lot of battalions out of there So they uh, yeah, my buddy the one that eats chipotle He went to see something. I don't know if I didn't know if it was that beacon or somewhere else

But I know you went to see it and lubes the one that stutters like she Yeah Yeah, it was uh, it was good. So it's airing saturday. We're proud of it. Tony Danza came And uh, Seinfeld was there. So it was nice man. The guys I Grew up watching, you know to have them come and watch me is uh It was nice now Seinfeld showed up to your pilot shooting. Oh, no, no Seinfeld Didn't uh, I don't think he no no he didn't um, but I did comedians and cars with him and then he We've become kind of fast friends over the last I'd say six seven months guy that uh, you know

I really enjoyed watching still do and uh, You know when you got a guy like that who's been through, you know, the whole thing show the whole thing It's a it's a good guy to give uh advice and kind of listen when you're in when you're in the uh Presence of someone like a guru. You don't talk. You just listen So he's a fucking guru you proved it dog You're a fucked up show. It's just a fucked up show I watch it still like this show's fucked up. I don't even know, you know, these people crazy But it chains television forever and really opened up the lights man. A lot of guys are still around

So I used to watch his kids and in my you know, I don't know how much I'd mind Paulie shore I just liked them as a comic back then I just liked the what the the environments that he was in with the spring breaks and I used I wanted to go to Daytona beach because Paulie shore was there and he was doing his mtv And spring break What's the hot spot now for fucking I don't know of Mexico I maybe I have no I never once went on spring break. I was never cool enough to do that You never know before you had no idea. Well, you can't put a bikini on you know what I'm saying

No, I couldn't you could have just gone down there in hijacked. I never went and listened with the spring break one time We drove down Got out went to the hotel room went to the bar looked at each other and said If we leave right now, we catch fucking happy hour tomorrow in Jersey. That's exactly what we did. Really? That's how he we were ex bro I grew up with fucking I grew up with that kid I was telling you about and he's an interesting character because I liked hanging out with him because he would leave a spot within two minutes

If he didn't like it, he would just look at me and go i'm out of here dog. What do you want to do? Dog, I couldn't wait for you to say it like you were going to a place That was bad when you were a kid and people like what's gonna be great. It just wasn't your scene So we would leave and go to a movie He didn't do drugs. So we would fucking go eat something. He's a built dude, you know So we would talk about weights and fucking running in karate Did you grow up with a rough group of guys? Yes and no

Yes And no, there was uh, you know nice guys and shit like that But in the neighborhood, I grew up with in new york when I came from cuba. That was just general people I lived on the upper west side on 88th street. So The people in my building worked on wall street and stuff like that like they The girl I dated in the first grade chinese like I'd hold her hand. Her father was a animator for a snoopy Shultz so he we would go to screenings the whole first grade

We'll go to screenings. That was nice. Then we moved to jersey. That was a little bit more blue collar and you had your uh Nice people and then you had the people that you you figured out all over the years what the fuck they did, you know and then you had a handful of people that It was the type of shit that you read about in the paper And you just didn't even talk to them Like that nothing to do with you unless you want to say, you know, unless you want to be cool or something. Yeah

My nut gets stuck Sometimes a little nut gets stuck in your fucking pants and shit Oh god So what cities are where you opening the tour at this salad when is it open? Uh, what we're doing is we're doing shows together That's right. What the fuck am I talking about? We're going to oddball Okay, and this is the last week in an oddball. This is it. This is it So we're doing friday night in uh, san jose, whatever the fuck that mountain view and mountain view and then urvine saturday sunday is uh arizona

Are you coming back saturday? Are you staying up this are you coming back? I'm coming back saturday Okay, me too. I'm right back into fucking burbank. Yeah, and then we'll go to urvine Irvine the next day. I shoot out ur burbank right the phoenix Come right back on monday 6am flight I land at 7 30 early man I'm done with those flights. I have to get up early and get out of the way sebastian If not, I get nervous

What about what terrorism? They don't shoot people till 9 30 east like it. So you literally leave because you're inferior. Well, that's part of the whole fucking deal I leave early because number one. I gotta take the 405. I got two options I could fucking it could take me an hour and a half to two hours to get there And the place is swamped and you got no parking up front or I could leave at five in the fucking morning And it takes me 20 minutes 25 minutes tops to get to the fucking airport. That's understandable I take the first flight out of the comedy club first flight on 6am 5am 5 45

I want to hit these roads before they get packed on the lord's day I don't want to be on the 405 the 205 the 210 the 101 I don't want to be on nothing past 10 o'clock. So when they call me for a week The first thing I do is let's see what the schedules are I type up delta united virgin and whatever if I first thing I look for is to early fly back If I can't get back before the wheat store opens I don't belong there We if you get me back at one in the afternoon, I'm not going to your city

Seriously, no, no, no, I don't want I don't want to land and have another hour and a half I just came six fucking hours in the flight Pasadena I want to land. I want the 405 to be open I stop I get whatever I got and I go home and I don't leave the house to rest the fucking day on the lord today How do you lock it down? I lock it down till one day more There's no reason I go play with the family the kid I have to do that because that's you have to do to keep a family Can't work Sundays when you got a kid though

You grew up on Sundays everybody held hands Your dad led the table, right? You said a prayer grandma came over The cousins came over if you don't do that you got nothing. Yeah, I don't give a fuck what any motherfucker tells you I know how to break up a marriage, but I know how to save one too And that sunday is the most important thing at six o'clock. I'm doing this because it's a goof. I don't give a fuck It's 20 minutes. I'm out of there by eight o'clock I go back to the hotel. I smoked dope. I jump in the pool and get room service or something But I would never work a fucking Sunday

I fucking hate working sundays if I was single. Oh, I'd be sucking fucking somebody's asshole on sundays You know me I don't give a fuck Sebastian Montescalco. We're too old for that shit So the tour starts next week. Yeah, the tour is basically gonna kick off in uh, Rochester, New York Syracuse then we're gonna go to Chicago Chicago theater We're gonna go to uh, Connecticut at the foxwoods casino and then atlantic city Long island and it just goes and goes and goes how many times how many cities you're doing in florida? You got those florida tampa in orlando We're gonna hit fort lauderdale in miami on the second half

But the tampa in orlando uh on this on this run and uh, fort meyers bus Are you how are you doing this? No, you're the last you're the last of my weekends I had to fly Thank you. I can't do it. My you're a shit people gotta smell your stuff. You're in a bunk like you're in the army Next thing, you know somebody tracy morgan jay you're fucking you know saying some truck driver hits your bus Nobody knows nothing. I need that shit in my life. Listen. Just put me on the plane I'll take my chances when it goes down. There's nobody left. That's it. That's it playing it So you have like friday saturday sunday you're playing at all friday saturday and sunday or thursday thursday friday saturday

Then you're playing them all playing them all tremendous You gotta fucking stand them up brother stand up, man. Let me give some shout outs. I'm gonna get the fuck out of here I'm getting those the best Wow savage bow hunting Spencer perkins one by one podcast my main man mikey John fen meg michael kern still kicking ass bryan nullan berita joseph And termite forever. I love you cocksucker

Oh my god, man, it's great to see you. I'm happy that you're on this weekend You're gonna have a good time in those places. Oh, yeah For however long i'm there for because i'll zip it in and out. You'll come what happened to joey I'll be right behind you, man. Oh really? We're out of there. We're out of there. You go back to your hotel Really you put your feet up long order narcos narcos. What episode you have to i finished. What'd you think? I love it You like it. Uh-huh. You didn't like it. I think it's brilliant. I love what you think of him as an actor. Love him You know, you smack all these fucking ten thousand walking around Oh, is he columbian? He's pan. Uh, brazilian

Wagon demora He's you know, i'm sick and tired of hearing about fucking the dude from breaking bed He was good because he had a bunch of good spic actors around them None of these fucking people they never bought meth. What the fuck do they know what a meth guy acts like? He's a great actor. What the fuck that wagon demora fucking kills me every time I learned something Every time I watch him I learn something he tips his head when he talks to you when he's talking to that kid when he takes the Bullet from him. That's a great fucking scene. Oh, yeah, I think episode seven It caught that drought from the first season. You know the titles

If you're gonna be a professional, you know what I'm saying if you're gonna fucking lay down You know priests have to show up with scripture, right? Oh, my uncle joey's showing up with scripture Just to let motherfuckers know number seven and when he kills moncada And they got you know, jr. Moncada's husband. Oh, yeah, yeah when he's foaming from the mouth Listen, it's been fucking 30 years and somebody did something like that The last guy that acted that out Midnight express when they kill his cat when he hangs the cat and he fucking beats everybody up He's foaming from the mouth and he fucking gets his head and he bites the guy's tongue out at the end

He spits it up in the air. That was the last real auto revenge with fucking Anthony Quinn and fucking So where's the gimme street the beginning dates This week. We're at fucking Oddball Friday Mountain View Saturday Irvine Meadows Sunday Phoenix then the following week Sebastian is where I don't know. I think I'm off. But then let's just say November 25th 26 27 Chicago Theater right after Thanksgiving. Boom. That's a good starting point. Oh my god Those three days after sure. Oh my god six shows six shows

I mean tickets you got come by dead 240 The first three shows are family and friends and then the other are open to the public Oh my god But I appreciate you having me on your show. Oh, no, bro I've been looking. Oh, come on. I always talk about you. You're one of my favorites of all time now I don't like a lot of people You are like your square shooter I just gotta give two fucking things here first off

Lisa in the beginning bitches bidets are back. You got a bidet over there in your house a day. No Would you ever consider using them today? I had one growing up. I had one in my house that was in the fucking floor when we bought the house in jersey I would consider it. We don't have one Consider it because they're making a comeback everybody's wearing tight jeans and glasses to be interesting Fuck that the first man who gets a bidet. That's the winner of the conversation, bitch Well, I just bought a Lamborghini bitch. I got a bidet. Okay. That's better. That's like having a fucking mexican with no arms You're following me

Fuckin jack bidets are back devices that spray your butt clean with water I grew up with a bidet in my house tremendous Thanks to tushy Sleek bidet that clips onto your existing toilet and sprays your butt completely clean with fresh water Agua leap your cocksuckers to get your muffler clean. So you're not sniffing on bacteria You're not sitting on bacteria because sometimes you go to the bathroom you wipe But it gets hot and the muffler grows and next thing that you're sitting there for four hours You got bacteria causing hemorrhoids yeast infections and basically rotten ass

You don't need that no more the days are better for the environment and guess what no paper more trees One pint of water it uses for each little cooler wash I'll tell you what I want you to do Tushy stands behind that product for 30 days. So do me a favor Go to hello tushy.com right now and get 10 off when you write church in there. Let me tell you something This is a great gift for halloween Nobody wants a chicken treat with a stinky asshole. This is a great gift for thanksgiving And it's even a better gift for fucking christmas. So do me a favor

Go to hello tushy.com right now slash church slash church. They got two different fucking asshole cleaners Pick one and get 10% off when you press in Church boom ch you are ch I think if you just go to hello tushy.com slash church, you're done. That's it. That's all you need go to hello tushy.com slash church And number two you want to look like Sebastian? You got to take some honor products right there. You get Starchopause worms that's right. You got to start fucking swinging the bat and fucking eating nutrients No, all kidding the side. I love on when I travel those long flights

I love the alpha alpha brain I love the hand force protein, which I had yesterday today. I had the coconut vanilla Because I hadn't I wanted I didn't want to eat a second. Uh, it don't matter why I had fucking at it Anyway, I love the the the the alpha brain. I love the shroom tech. I love the Help me on here. I'm off the strong bone the strong bone. I love all that products the which one hand force Hand force is tremendous. So but do me a favor. I'm a little high today I can't break it down for you go to honor.com right now and look at the great selection of supplements You're gonna find something the mixed greens is fucking tremendous. It cleans you out

It's a 30 day supply right now. Don't listen to me go to honor.com right now and press in church Boom ch you are ch and get 10 off your first order Deliver to your mother fucking door jack You got it and that's it sebastian minuscoco. God bless you. Thank you, man. I'm excited about your special I'm gonna put it on fucking blast right now Lisa. Yeah, I'll see you monday night. Yes, sir. And we'll be back monday. Don't forget This week where whatever next week. I mean columbus, oh hi out the funny bone I'll see you there motherfucker. Stay black tonight. I'm at the ice house 8 30 in the back room. See you there. Nice

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Turn down the lights turn down the bed Turn down these voices inside my head Lay down with me Tell me no lies I just hold me close Don't patronize Don't patronize Because I can't make you love me if you don't

Oh You can't make your heart feel something it won't Here in the dark In these final hours, I will lay down my heart And I feel the power But you won't Know you won't Because I can't make you love me

If you don't Oh I close my eyes Then I won't see The love you don't feel When you're holding me The morning will come And I'll do what's right

Just give me until then To give up this fight And I will give up this fight I Can't make you love me if you don't You can't make your heart feel something it won't Here in the dark In these final hours

I will lay down my heart And I feel the power But you won't Know you won't Because I can't make you love me If you don't Oh Ain't no use if you try to make me

Know you won't Know you won't Know you won't