Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #418 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 4, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Rosh Hashanah, key crossroads in their lives, and steak and eggs at Joey's favorite, Original Joe's.  This podcast is brought to you by: MVMT Watches - Go to MVMTWatches.com/church to get 15% off of their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTWatches.com/church for 15% off, with free shipping and free returns.    Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Recorded live on 10/03/2016.
  

This show is brought to you by MVMT Watches. Go to MVMTwatches.com slash church right now and check out their high quality watches at revolutionary prices. MVMTwatches.com slash church and you're gonna get 15% off of your order and they're gonna give you free shipping and you won't need it, but free returns.

So go to MVMTwatches.com slash church right now. The show is also brought to you by Blue Apron. For less than $10 a meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with the pre-proportioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. I've been doing it for a couple months now. I love it.

It's very easy. When you go, what we're offering you right now is check out this Meeks menu and get your first three meals for free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash joey. That's blueapron.com slash joey. The show is also brought to you by onit.com. Go to onit.com and use code word CHURCH

to save 10% on all their amazing optimization products like Alphabrain, New Mood, Shunt and Tech Immune and Shunt and Tech Sport. ["Shunt and Tech Immune"] Happy Rosh Hashanah, motherfuckers. To all the Jews in the struggle. And if you ain't a Jew, it's a good time to become one. ["Shunt and Tech Immune"]

October 3rd, Monday. Uncle Joey, Lee Syatt, old school, opening up the month, motherfuckers. Get up. Little Jewish now for anthem for you. What? ["Shunt and Tech Immune"] This is what black people are black people.

Listen to this fucking funk right here. Two Jews wrote this, but the OJs put the flavor on it. Here we go. ["Shunt and Tech Immune"] Oh, shit, Lee Syatt. It's going to be one of those nights. Let's do it. ["Shunt and Tech Immune"]

What's up, my little brother? Oh, my God. That always gets me pumped up. I love that song. What's up, beautiful motherfucking people? Welcome to the church of what's happened. Now, Uncle Joey here with my main motherfucker, Lee Syatt. It's Jew season in full fucking effect.

And then Rosh Hashanah turns into Hangover. What is it? Yum Kapoor. Yum Kapoor. This was my least favorite time of year. I hated it. It's the worst. Oh, yeah.

You lived through the traditions and stuff. The apple, the honey, the whole thing. That's not bad. The apple and the honey is delicious, by the way. If you haven't tried apple and honey, it's amazing. The problem is, is I was the kind of, like, I wasn't like already. I didn't, I barely went to temple. And temple on these days are fucking long.

And everyone, it's the fake, it's the fake time of year because no one goes. And the temple I go to is reform. It's like, you know how like there's Catholic and Protestant and stuff. There's different levels of Judaism and I'm reform. And they bring guitars out. It's pretty, it's kind of weird. But everyone comes during that time and they're all shaking hands and pretending like they really care about it.

So I used to get on my nerves and then it was just like four hours longer a day. And I know for a lot of Jews, that's almost nothing. But for me, that's, I didn't like that at all. A lot of people don't like that. I like church minimally. When I go to church, for me, it's an hour type thing. Right. After that, I just, it just doesn't work for me.

And that's fine. That, that's, that's fine. That's fine. You know, and I learned that when I was going to Catholic school, I asked somebody once, even at a young age, I don't mind the fucking hour ones, 45 minutes. I could sit there and drift. You know, I'm an only child. I could mind fuck myself for an hour.

Yeah. Yeah. But those long ones, like you go at 10 and you ain't going to go home till one day in the afternoon. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't do that. I love God and all that shit and the higher power and whatever out there. But I ain't got fucking three hours.

And I mean, did they do it in Latin for you? Because for me, it's in Hebrew, most of it. So that was good. When I was a kid, I started out by going, my mom used to do a lot of masses from my dad. There was a church on like 40th street. And it was like a, he was a beautiful fucking priest. You know, I still remember what he looked like.

And I think my mom had a crush on this motherfucker. And we go down there like once every two weeks. Okay. On like a Wednesday or two. And she would bring a bottle of scotch and give him like 50 bucks. And those days, 50 bucks was like 200. Yeah. And he would do like kind of mass for just me and my mom.

And he would put like a casket out in the middle of my mom would tell me my dad was in there and I would just sit and pray. And I could deal with that. She always tried to work me into that system. Did that freak you out? That's kind of, that would freak me out as a kid. Listen, man, they didn't know what, you know, when you're three and your parents stop coming home, that freaks you out more.

True. You know, that freaks you out. And I didn't know about this till years ago that I had a problem. You know, you don't know. That's why I don't say goodbye to people. You know, that's, I like to disappear. You know, just, it's not good. It's not healthy.

You got to give people a hug and all that shit. So it really cut deep. So at those early years, my mom was just trying to work with me to give me peace. Okay. And she's trying her hardest just to give me peace. But then somewhere around there, she started taking me to Sunday Mass. And my mom had the same problem that after the handshake and the cookie and the thing, that's it.

And if it gets too long to that part, that's fine too. You know, it gets hot in there, whatever. It just, it was never for me. There was one, and it's weird. I don't know much about it. It's not, this religion isn't weird. I spent, when I lived in Israel, there's a place that I went called the Baha'i Gardens. They have places around.

I don't know if you've ever heard of the religion Baha'i. No, I haven't. It's pretty interesting. I'm not too knowledgeable on it, but it's like, they take a mixture of everything. And, but the thing that always attracted me to it was like, there weren't like prayer, me like, like you would just go and pray by yourself. There wasn't like, there wasn't like something that you had to say. And I could be wrong on this.

But when I, when I heard it, like that was my biggest problem with Judaism is like to me, it just felt like people were like, robotically saying prayers that like, especially in my temple had no idea what they meant because no one there actually spoke Hebrew. Well, the prayer is whatever it means to you. Right. Yeah. And that's what I like. That's what I've always interpreted a prayer to be.

And I was beaten ahead with the Catholic school thing. And even at an early age, I didn't buy into a lot of the fucking things, you know, but I made my own correlation in my own mind that, you know, I never could understand how murder and not going to church on Sunday were mortal sins. When I was growing up, that was the word on the street. Fuck you. That those are the same thing. That doesn't work for me.

No, those are the problems I had with religion. Right. You know, those are the little problems I had religion. I still enjoy it. I still like to like you. I like to learn about different religions, just the topical part of them, just to see like, wow, at the end, I watched something about acupuncture. Some Chinese guy fucking saw a rooster or a pigeon and he started sticking needles,

but he's the first guy to do a heart transplant. Yeah. Very interesting shit, but he involved religion with acupuncture at that time. Then he involved into something else, you know what I'm saying? And it's weird because I was a little sick last week. I was a little fucked up last week. Now, for the last nine years, I've been going to Dr. Amy on a consistent level. Yeah, every Tuesday.

And she does certain things to me by that work for me, either to slow me down, give me more energy, build my chi, which is basically your immune system is your chi. That's it. That's what it basically is in our language. Right. And your immune system is your internal protection. And that covers everything with tight chi, with acupuncture covers muscles. It covers lung capacity, your heart, your intestines.

It covers your adrenal. It covers your vital functions. Right. It covers everything. And I was feeling shitty. And I know just by going down and talking to Dr. Amy, she's so dipping in shit that I got a kick out of it. And she put the needles in my back and my backache disappeared.

Right away. But then it centralized to where the pain was, which was my kidneys. And then the next day I got up and whatever was in my back transformed into fucking whatever energy was doing that to me transformed into that shit, vertigo. So I've had, I had vertigo from Thursday to Sunday. Vertigo is scary. Last night, when I was laying down last night and when I turned real quick, I would have it.

And I had it so bad guys that I got up to pee at three in the morning. I went to bed at 10 and I three out of pee. And as I was walking to the bathroom, I had to hold on to the wall. That's how bad it was. But now it's normal. She called while I was about to get on stage and I was fed. I'd fast. I was fast.

And I told her I'd give her a call today, but today was the Jewish holiday. So when I was tired, I couldn't fall asleep last night. But that's, I had a great weekend with those guys with Tom Segour and Sebastian. Yeah, you're fine. Like I said, I don't go out of my comfort zone. I don't like being a part of those things, but it was a good experience. It humbled me a little bit. I ate some dog shit.

You know, they were very easy. There was not one complaint on my end. Like the show started on time. I went over and Irvine a little bit because I've been working on an hour and all of a sudden now I had to cut it to 15 fucking minutes on the dolly. That's weird because we've been working on bits. And now I couldn't go into a bit because I didn't know where the bit would end. So it was kind of difficult.

I got a little better Saturday and then Sunday I got real loose in Phoenix. Then I went over the crowd with my magnetic personality. Not really, but it didn't fucking matter. I still had a good time. I learned something, you know, what people don't understand is that to simplify life and I didn't know this about life and this is what takes the pressure off of life. It really does. I did this when I was about 33.

I started doing this and that's when my life started coming together in little pieces and I centralized everything as a lesson. Every time I went out at night to do comedy, I would go, wow, tonight I'm going to figure out what I learned tonight. Even if it was just don't park by the door. I learned something and I would write it down. I used to have a stupid notebook for comedy. At the last page, I would write down what I learned that I'd write to date from doing a show.

Whether it was how to slow down the kind of, like Ally Wong fucking destroyed that, that odd ball fastier. She followed me. She just took it to a different level on one subject on her baby from beginning to where she was now, you know, and I learned that that's possible. That's something that I've always wanted to do. She just made it funny. She just wrote one bit for 15 minutes on the same subject.

That's brilliant in my fucking world. Ally Wong is winning me over. Every time I see this girl get on stage, she wins me over more. Yeah, her special is great. I haven't seen her live yet. You haven't seen her live? I don't think so. When you see it, see, I learned what you take away from a special in life.

Like I like her at the store because I like the person in front of her to destroy and watch her go up there and change the energy in the room like acupuncture. She flips the fucking energy on you. Really? She slows them down. You have to listen to what she's saying as she takes you out of your game. Once you bend over, boom, you're off balance. You're going to laugh.

She's fucking brilliant in a little way. So you learn something at every age, you learn something. I noticed you asked, you asked me that not that often, but I noticed in Austin, you asked one of the comics later that what did you learn? Like that's not something you expect to hear in like a green room. Like what did you learn? What did you learn tonight? Not from me.

What did you fucking learn? Did you learn to wait and give the audience tell the waitresses to thank the waitresses? Did you learn how to step back and take a drink of water without being very shy? You know, for years I went up there and I would fucking be like Biafran. Like I was ready to pass out because I wouldn't drink water. Oh really? Yeah, and I died. You know, you're fucking burning calories.

You're thinking. You're burning energy. Why wouldn't you drink water? Like you were afraid. Because I was embarrassed to walk away and drink water and that you don't understand that in little ways that gives you control. That slows down the show. That retains the guard.

That goes back to zero in certain ways in your mind. I've heard other comics talk about like young comics are afraid of silence. So is that what you like? Like you want everything to be filled with laughter? You know, when I go to Jiu Jitsu, for example, I see people getting on their back and doing all these magnificent things off their back. And you're like why would I want to be on my fucking back? Right.

Because you have control in a lot of ways. You're that confident of your abilities. You know, when you hear silence, you're that confident about your abilities. That you can get them laughing. That you can get them laughing. You want them to get centered again. You know, I would go up there the first eight years of comedy. You thought like I would do an hour and 10 minutes and you go, Joey, I didn't understand

one fucking thing you said because you were racing through it. You didn't give me pauses. You didn't give me a, you know what I'm saying? And then you watch other guys. Like I watch Rodney and I figured out one day that whenever Rodney would give you a signal to laugh, he would touch his tie. People have signals. He controlled you with his hands.

It's a very weird thing to see if you watch any of Rodney's like a young comedian special turn on, turn on a Rodney thing and we'll fucking analyze it. But you should always go home at night at the end of your day and see this. So what did I learn today? So today I fucking wired something. You know what I'm saying? Like today, like you wire something, right? Like you come here with an electrician or with Kevin and you wire those cameras and

the fucking monitors, but you learn how to do a fucking saddle with pipes. Like a saddle is the thing that electricians do. So I used to, once I learned, listen, when I learned how to do a saddle, when I was an electrician, a commercial electrician, I was set. I thought that was the best thing in the world because you have to bend pipe. Okay. And there's this, there's this a thing and a thing in the bottom and you have to measure it and it tells you what type of bend you have to give it.

So I practiced this for hours during my lunchtime when I was an electrician, I would practice bending pipe, all the pipe that they had cut and that was wasted. I would try to practice it until I got so good that I could do a fucking saddle. It drove me crazy. How long did it take? Two weeks of fucking two hours of practice every day. And the boss yelling at me, Joey, what the fuck? I had to do that.

I was terrible at opening line bottles as a server. So my manager made me come in and open the like the service bars wine for like a week straight. And now I can, I can still do like it's, it's not as hard as that, but it's, it's kind of cool. Like practicing an attack. Nobody's fucking listen unless you drink wine every day. Yeah.

I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do that. Every time I open a bottle on the court goes in the bottom drinking shit with fucking stubs in it. So let's see what he did. Like you were watching on no respect. Uh, yeah, let's watch no respect. Just that was the control he had a lot of comics and you get that, you know, I got that control

when I started, uh, when I started, uh, doing storytelling, that was the first time I got it. So it was nine years into my career that I got on stage and told the story one night was forced to tell a story nine years for nine years. I rushed through my material. Yeah. There was moments of, I would stop and take a pause, but for nine years, I would put rushed through my material.

And then one night did a fucking, uh, a storyteller show up in the main room in the belly room. And I enjoyed that silence. I got it. It took me nine years to understand. So I'm no fucking genius. I'm just telling you this now that it's a control thing. You feel better. It's a confidence thing that you could go take them to that low point and not, you know,

young comics or frail there. I frail when I, when I get on my back, I, that's when I start stressing out. And that's when you start going out of your game. And voila, you have a bad set or a bad anything. It's, uh, it's amazing how much storytelling has grown. And I just saw the trailer for always the seat in the new season. What, whoever, whoever made that trailer didn't make it. It looks like a great fucking season.

Like just the people they have on it, the story, like the story sound exciting. It looks really cool. Like it's just, it's awesome. You know, a story is a fucking story. Adding color to the thing. That's the hope of 12. Put the song. Let's see what you got there.

Fast forward to him on stage. And to the other. I mean, I'm not a sexy guy. Every time I go to a health spa where I get sympathetic looks from guys with big dicks. Well, this morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the food loom guys giggling. I'm kidding. A copper recipe for flashing took me to small claims court. You kidding?

I mean, a girl saw me naked. She asked me if there was a finder's fee. Oh, I had sex with one girl. She broke her birth control pill in half, you know. Forget about it. We have paid all the stuff. I remember I said to her, let's go for the whole nine yards. She said, let's be accurate.

We'll go for the inch and a half. Sex you kidding. I was with a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. You know what? You're not sexy. All right.

I went to a nude beach. They told me to park in a handicap section. I found out in Chinese. My name means come quick. When I was 10 years old, they gave me the bad news. I had small cocks. My wife, she didn't help either. I asked her to shorten my pants, took in the crotch.

I tell you, I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year. A lot of guys, it don't make sense. See, they're reading a paper. A man attacks a woman 60 years old. It was the same pen on the attacker girl, 20. Just a passing thought, nothing serious. Turn this off.

Yeah, but some guys. Yeah, this is when he was older. See, he touches Thai maybe four times and that gives him control. It tells the audience when and when not to laugh. He would touch his Thai and touch his nose. Wow. Which is really fucking. He would do it during the punchlines and then through the years people just wouldn't.

But I mean, that's fucking hysterical. Like already, I love it. You know, it's crazy that I was even part of this oddball festival because it made me realize the work I had put in to get there that you never think about before. At any time of my, any night when I'm out doing comedy and I'm getting in, I'm driving, I'm thinking about other things. What was at the oddball festival? And I'm watching Jeff Ross on stage and Tom Segura was fucking hilarious.

He really was. Eliza, I watched Eliza because there was two parts to it. We were the preliminary card and there's the main card. Okay. So like, I never got to watch the main card. It was Dane, Sebastian, Jim Jeffries, Nick Swanson, Nick, Nick Swanson, who was great. As soon as I saw him, I sparked up a joint. He's like, Joe, you can't do this to me at the cocktail in his hand.

So for a guy like me, I never got out of my fucking comfort zone. You know, like that's, it was kind of nice. The fucking airports, three airports in three days. That sucks, dick. Yeah, but you had a good, just the West Coast one is way better than having to go all over the South. It would be fun. But if you had to go to like long trips, you had like, luckily had like a shorter trip.

San Jose has become one of my favorite fucking weekends. Really? It's a three block walk. For three days, I walked nine blocks. I'm in heaven. To what restaurant is it again? McCormick and Schmitz for the happy hour. I dropped 19 and I ate like three things and they were all diet free.

I don't touch the bread. I had the salad. I had the fucking muscles. I'm surprised you don't even just stay at original Joe's. What are you like? And then me and Segura went to original Joe's like gavones after the show and we had fucking steak and little side of pasta. We didn't touch the bread.

We drank water and I had a little bit of coffee and I went home and fucking slept like a baby. And then you get up in the morning and you go to the airport and there's original Joe's right there and you get the steak and eggs again and shit with the wheat toast. No potatoes. This was a question I had for you because Paula doesn't like medium rare steaks. I love medium rare steaks. But when I was telling her about your steak and eggs, she was like, do you do medium rare?

Because it gets not bloody, but there's stuff like, would you do like well done? I'd have never had steak and eggs. A steak and egg, when you cut it after the fucking eggs and the eggs are fried and then you have the toast. If you take that steak and open it up, like cut it a little bit and you cook it cut. Like a lot of people don't do that. They give you the steak. I like to before you give me the steak, cut it and brown the sides a little bit.

And that grease, you put it on the toast, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, you can eat your steak however the fuck you want. It's still steak and eggs, whether it's medium rare, well done. Okay. If it's a good steak, it's a good fucking steak. How do I know it's a good steak? I don't know the butcher. I don't know nothing, but when I'm eating it, I'm like, this is pretty fucking good,

you know. I went to Denny's a week or so ago to get breakfast and this guy next to me got the steak and shrimp and sent the steak back. Sure he did. And those shrimp with those fucking Katrina shrimp and shit, sure. You can't go to Denny's and have the steak and eggs. They're going to give you some of these thighs melted. That's what you get.

The Denny's, you're getting a little fucking, you're getting worse than the fucking shit I was addicted to in high school, the steak homes. Oh, it's even worse than that, you think? Yeah, it has to be. I never shit blood from steak homes. At least I never got sick from steak homes. If it didn't, anything was built my fucking resistance. You shit blood from the Denny's steak?

I would never eat a Denny's fucking steak. You know, you got to be on a different level to go into Denny's and get the steak and go, I've made it. I shit blood from a Denny's cheeseburger once. I know you did. My first day in their job, I was working at Sunset and Gower down by that crazy Denny's and I went there right before and like my first night had to keep running back and forth because I was like, it didn't stop.

Listen, man, I was very proud of Denny's because when the economy collapsed a couple of years ago, Denny's revamped really quick and that showed me that they were trying as a corporation, you know, to be America, you know, for the family. Listen, man, not everybody in America could go to Ruth Chris three nights a week. Not everybody in America could go to fucking lemonade on fucking, you know, and drop 21 for fucking lunch. Why do you think I sent you the receipt of the two Cuban steak sandwiches with the milkshake and the two diet sodas, $21?

What do you think I sent you that receipt for? Because it doesn't exist here. That adds to my liking for something. Oh, yeah. That adds to the overall that you care about the consumer. You know, I told Lee, I went to the airport yesterday. The plane got delayed. I get chicken teriyaki.

The fucking salad was horrible. The chicken was great below fucking pigeon. They gave you half a cup of rice. And when he looked at me, she said $27 with a drink. I almost died. I might have just left it to be honest. You just insulted me. You just insulted me completely.

I like a place that gives me a good product and I give them the money they deserve. And we're fucking, I'll go there for the rest of my fucking life. That's part of the fucking food. To me, that's part of the food. If there's two plates, it's like when you go to Miami, when Nick Dutour went to Miami and he called me, he goes, I went to Gloria Stefflon's place. $200, the food was shitty.

I sent them to pour the sagua. You drop $40. You go, wow, it's not even about the price. But if I get this for $40, I'll come here four days in a row. With me, I understand that. So when Denny's tried to do the 2468 menu, remember a couple of years ago? They still have it. Oh, yeah.

I was so happy. So I had to meet somebody one day and they recommended Denny's. And I said, you know what? I'm going to go on there with an open mind, no matter what people say. And I went to that same one where you got sick and had a cheeseburger. And nothing happened. And I'm like, wow, Denny's apt up their game. And then one night you, me, Steve Simone, Di Agostino were at,

and we went to Denny's and we all ate. Di Agostino's girlfriend, somebody was there. There was a girl there. And we ate. We got home about one. I wasn't home an hour and I'm shitting blood from the cheeseburger. Yeah. You had like a milkshake.

And then the second time I had a milkshake and I got sick from the milkshake. Oh, no. I got sick from the fucking milkshake. And I go, that's it. No more Denny's. And if you go in there and you see the fucking eggs and the bacon, you go, eh, this bacon is full gauze. It's thin.

It's got a weird whang to it. I'm done. It was right after you talked about the butter melting into the bread. Denny's must have like a swimming pool of butter. Well, they had the tub with the fucking salmonella growing in the butter with a paint, a paint thing. And they just butter your toast. It was like yellow.

It was like, yeah, out of the toasted. Hey, listen, avoid Denny's. Avoid Denny's. You know what I'm saying? Keep Denny's to the light. Didn't you go get a salad in there one time? I tried to. Are you fucking crazy?

Yeah. Are you fucking crazy? I was busy and I was like, I'll just go pick up the salad. That's not even on the fucking agenda. Are you got a salad one night and a dingy as bar, a person get a salad out? It was good salad. Would you stop? It was good.

Would you stop? You get the worst fucking salads at the worst places. Eat something simple. You got a salad. These people don't really eat the salad. They're drunk. They're drunk and you want to get a salad. These people are drunk.

They haven't had a healthy day in their life. They've been smoking cigarettes. I tried the sliders and the sliders weren't good. Well, what does that tell you? Then you're going to get the fucking salad. Yeah. I saw those sliders. Three year old fucking made it.

Here they can. Give the Caesar salad breather. Just because Caesar salad is on the menu. You don't mean you got to fucking get it. You could expand your fucking horizons, Lee. This guy will get a Caesar salad at fucking Denny's. Yeah. With that fucking petrified chicken.

Those are the chickens that got beat up in the cages. No, I don't get chicken on my Caesar salad. What do you get there? Nothing. Just straight up with the fucking salad. I don't like fucking. I don't like meat on my salad. It's weird.

Anyway, what are you going to get me on Denny's for? You're fucking upset. I'm sorry. Last night I was watching. I couldn't fucking sleep. I had insomnia. And the weirdest thing fucking happened. There's a show that's been on.

And I just never gave it any eyeball. Okay. Because I didn't know what it was about. I thought it was about something fucking stupid that I didn't want to watch and whatever. And it was Ozzy Osbourne and his kid. Have you seen that show yet on Discovery? Is it new or is it like the one from like 10 years ago? No, no, no, no, no.

It's him and the boy now. It's something that I guess they go to different places. Somebody hit me up on Twitter and said he was in Cuba. So last night it's two in the fucking morning. I got insomnia. I'm a little stoned. I'm laying there. I got the fucking vertigo.

And I go, let me watch this show for a little while. And I'm watching this and they're at Memphis and they go to a guitar player's house and they're talking to him about playing the guitars and blah, blah, blah. And then they bring up Robert Johnson. If he really sold the soul to the devil, there's no story crossroads. I reclapped in this. They even made a movie about it with Ralph Macchio. But a guitar player that goes down to the railroad crossroads and he sells his soul to the devil

to be the best guitar player in the world. Then they wrote songs about it. The night the devil showed up in Georgia or whatever, they just fed the fucking thing and then Jimmy Page with his satanic fucking home and he lived in Alex De Crowley's house. So it all played out. And then over the years of music, they said the Led Zeppelin curse and they had Eric Clapton who supposedly was one of those Robert Johnson disciples that also, the story's going forever to fuel it.

We don't have enough time to even talk about all this shit and cover it because I'm not even up to par with it. We'll have to get Dean Delray in here and see if he knows all about it. They sold their souls. Is that where they sold their soul for rock and roll? That added fuel to the flame in 75 or 3 when that album came out. 75, I really don't know. I'm just saying that this started and there's a lot of legendary stuff to it.

But they asked him about it and he goes, listen, this is what happened. Robert went on a tour and when he came back, he was really good. It's like if I disappear for six months and do comedy every night, Jesus Christ. When I get back, you're going to see a vast fucking improvement. He goes, that's what happened. So the people added voodoo to it and all this shit. Then there's segments of it when they're interviewing somebody and there's segments of it when Ozzie's just talking to his son and then they said to him, so what do you think?

He asked him what his crossroads were. It was very interesting because you expect Ozzie to make some fucking stupid statement. And Ozzie said it was the time his father gave him a microphone and an amp and a guitar or some shit. That was really the crossroads of his life. That's what really, if he thinks about it, to the simplest, to the common denominator, to the square root, as we like to say, that that was it. That was the beginning of the end because he goes, most of my friends are either dead or in jail where I grew up at.

It was pretty interesting how it ended. They went down to the train station, which is now Martin Luther King Boulevard. In England? No, in fucking Memphis in England. You're fucking in Memphis. This is where this whole thing went down. You see, we got a deal with four years of college in England. I thought you were talking about Ozzie, right?

Four years of fucking college in England. I'm talking about Memphis and the guy goes, I went to bed last night and I got up. The fucking alarm didn't go off. Thank God, I always put, when I stayed in a hotel, I asked for a wake-up call, but I always load up the phone too because the phone always wakes you up. Listen, if you have a problem waking up, load that iPhone up. That's one advantage of the iPhone, that that alarm will wake you up.

It's like an earthquake. It's the worst alarm in the fucking world. There's nothing sweet about that fucking alarm. It's terrible. It's terrifying. You know which one I'm talking about? Yeah. All of them.

I'm on it. It's the ones that... Horrible. Yeah. Fucking horrible. So, you know, I got on the plane this morning and I was tired. I didn't sleep much. I'm on the plane and it's kind of empty and I got the whole seat to myself.

And I was thinking about what was your crossroads, Lee? Like at your age so far, was it going to college? Like what point made you go to Emerson? I mean, you're a young guy. I mean, I just wanted to know if I had a crossroads at 20. I had no fucking crossroads at 28. I had a fucking nothing at 28. What, 28?

Yeah, I had a crossroads. I would... Okay. I guess there's... Can you have more than one, I guess? Because Emerson... Going to Emerson was good for me because I wouldn't have the internship or the... My first job that got me out to LA.

But honestly, and it sounds like I'm kissing ass, but honestly, it was writing that Facebook message to you, probably. No, no, no, no. I want to know... You know, I mean, you're not a fucking Momo. You could have done three or four things right now in your life. Oh, you want to know back to the first. Okay.

Yeah, like what at a young age? Because you'll exercise my memory a little bit. Like what really makes it... I always... I always... Like from day one, we had any electronic equipment. I was the one running it. From VCRs to our first computer to video cameras.

And I always loved... I would always shoot... Anytime I had a school project, I would try to do it video. But I would always... First, I could never keep a straight face. I'd always lose it if I was trying to do a report like a news person. And my brother would be the cameraman and he would start losing it. I'd get pissed off because I would start losing it.

I remember in fifth grade, my friend Nate Putnam and I did a rap for one of our projects. So I was always doing stuff like that. I think maybe my first... I guess maybe my first ninth grade film class with Mr. Serapis. Because from there, I didn't take a single elective at school that wasn't film or TV like based. Okay, so when you took this... Mr. Serapis, what are you covering that film class? Like I'm just interested.

I think the first one was probably just digital video. And you know what? This might have been a female teacher, but most of them were with someone else. But it was just... We went through setting up the camera. We went through putting it... At that point, it was DV tapes. It wasn't digital yet.

And I learned on like a Canon. I think it was like a GLX-1. It was like one of those bigger... It was like the coolest thing I've ever seen. Because at my house, we still had the... At some point, we still had the big one that you put an actual whole VHS tape into. And we upgraded over the years, I think, to high eight or something, which I know you don't know any of these words.

You're right, you're right. I'm just saying, I don't know why I'm saying these things. But it was just... I had always loved playing with cameras. And that's where I first found editing. And that's why I had done... The summer before, even though I hated it, I went to this really artsy camp.

And I did all the video courses. And that's kind of, I guess, because in 9th and 10th grade, I was still going to college tours, saying I was going to be in marketing or something like that. And I don't think until around 10th or 11th grade, is when I first started really thinking about going for film. And then Emerson offered everything. I know nothing.

I know nothing about Emerson. I thought that when you went to college, you learned about fucking hardcore stuff. I couldn't imagine... I quit school my senior year, so I didn't fucking ask questions. But I always thought you went to school to do something hard. And then when I got to Colorado and I took those courses, I heard about sociology degrees and these degrees.

And I would sit there and go, why would people put themselves through four years of school and not have a guarantee on their life? I could not fucking... I could not fucking behooved that. Like, if I go to school for four years, it's because I'm going to cover the spread. So even if I don't want to do what the fuck I'm doing,

at least I could do this. The final thing, whether I'm a mathematician, like I fucking had these big fucking retarded dreams. But I had never had a dream of going to a college for film or art or anything like that. That's where my point is. Like, I don't know how I end up where I ended up. Because it wasn't like, yeah, I listened to stand-up comedy.

But it wasn't my fucking life. I liked Richard Pryor. That was it. I liked that style and I liked music. And I had a couple of Richard Pryor albums. I had a George Cawlin album. And I had music in the fucking room. I think Emerson actually has a stand-up comedy.

If it's not a major, it's definitely at least a course. But what I've always, about those degrees that people don't have a guarantee, I always thought that maybe those were the degrees for people who might not know exactly what they wanted to do. What they wanted to do. Right. So Emerson's the opposite of that.

You go to Emerson when you know what you want to do. So when you walk into Emerson, you know that I know I want to be a newspaper, a news reporter. I want to work at ABC, I witness news in New York. Most people have like a track already built. And the people who get into Emerson, and I bear, I got in by the skin on my teeth.

And I probably shouldn't have gotten in. I just harassed a guy who was reading my application. But it's like people go in there and they're the best. They're the people from their town video-wise. And there's NYU and there's USC and there's other great schools. But this one is- Did you apply to NYU?

I did. I only applied to four schools. I applied to NYU, Emerson, Drexel, and Fitchburg State. They were all film schools. I didn't get into NYU. And it was weird. I've always loved New York. But even there, it was a little-

And it turned out Emerson was the same way. But everyone seemed a little bit snobby. Just a little about film, which I don't- It's a bummer to go to- That's what turned me off about the whole thing, was that I'm- I like doing this stuff. But I like Will Ferrell movies.

That was my thing then. Everyone was shitting on him. And I loved him. Oh, I see what you're saying. So when you go to a school in New York or LA, people start telling you about Fellini. The best one, I was in the intro to screenwriting. And we were going around saying our favorite movies.

And this girl went up. And I think she got bullied out of the class. She went up and said, My favorite movie is Breathless. And apparently it's like a black and white French movie. Like it's like a 19 whatever, earlys and people just like start- They start calling her Breathless,

because like it was the most ridiculous answer. So what answer did you give at that time? You know what, man? I don't- I probably said either Man on Fire or City of God, if I had to guess. Really? I loved- I loved-

Man on Fire was the movie, kind of how you and your friends watched Scarface, my best friend and I, the guy who we went- I went to his wedding a couple years ago. I watched that 20, 30 times, at least. Really? I love-

Oh yeah, Man on Fire was- It was one of the first movies I ever figured out how to- I'm one of the first- I don't even know if it was an actual video iPod. I think you could crack them and load videos into them. Or maybe it wasn't- Either one.

It was- I watched- On my way to Israel, I watched Man on Fire on a tiny iPod. I had it on my iPod also. The iPod I have now? Yeah. I had one before that.

I had Man on Fire on there and the honeymooners, and I watched it on there one time. So with the fucking earphones on, with the really good fucking earphones on. I don't give a f- I just can't- I didn't know- This is all fucking stupid I was.

I didn't have any idea that you'd go to school for film. Yeah. I thought that you- Well, What? I might fucking be taught it. I knew NYU existed, but I didn't know what it was really about.

Yeah. I thought- Since I never would go to NYU, I never even thought about what the fuck it had to offer. I don't know if it was always this serious. It seems like right now the art- the art programs are for people who are like, deadly serious.

Now there's people who I went to school with who are still doing like, essentially student films or- or working at movie theaters, and that's fine. Like not everyone's gonna- like maybe that's what they want, and not everyone's doing it,

and I'm not doing what I went there for at all. Um, but, it's- for the most part, there's people you see out here are Emerson, NYU, USC, like there are those grads. There is one guy who I used to-

who I worked with who I actually didn't like, but he went the route of at 18, he just started being a PA, and then he moved up to assistant editor. Well, you just read my mind, because like Cassius Morris, for example- Right.

Cassius Morris at this point, like from my perspective- Right. If I was his parent, I'd go Cassius. Graduate when you're 18. We put a little money away. Go out to LA.

We're gonna finance a little car for you, and get a job for two years. At the end of two years, if you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing, you have to come back home and go to college till you're 24. Well, he could do what I would say. I would-

Send him to night school at like a community college. Just get like the- No, no, no. I would put- Right now, Mercy was 18, and she came to me. I don't know what the world's gonna be like

when she's 18. I don't know what this business is gonna be like when she's 18. Right. But in my world today, after what I've seen, I would have her get a job, making coffee,

putting up at the bullshit side of the world to see if she even wanted to do it. Right. Just to show the ugly. Right. I want you to see the ugly now, because I don't want you to go to college for four years,

and then all of a sudden get surprised one day and go, fuck you, this ain't for me. But I mean, when I came out here, I was doing college courses online, so I think- I mean, I just think, especially if it turns out that maybe it isn't what he wants to do

and for cash, I'm pretty sure it's what he wants to do. But I'm just saying for anyone else out there, just to do a course or two online, just so you're not starting at zero when you're 20 or 21, that's what I would say. And then anyways,

because if I were to go back now, I'm lucky. My parents split the debt with me, so I don't have that much. I still have about 18,000 to go. But if I was someone now, I'd go at least two to three years at community college

and just go to whatever college you want to go to for the major. There's no reason to pay 60,000 a year to do English. There just isn't anymore. So that's what I would say. Even though especially where I was, where I grew up,

colleges mean something. You don't want to tell people you're going to community college. Maybe at least I didn't. So that was the stigma I felt. But now, if I could save $10,000... Well, you told me that right now at this point in your life

that you would have gone to a community college and saved thousands of dollars. Tens of thousands. Yeah, oh yeah. And I think now, I think even now with Obama, there's some community colleges

that are free or subsidized or something. So yeah, oh yeah. I would totally do that now. And it wouldn't make a difference whether you went to Amazon or this community college. No, because you could...

I mean, what I would do is... All the schools have... You can call and say, hey, what... These are the classes I want to take. What do I need to transfer over to be a junior or whatever? What do I need to do here

to take two years? And they'll probably go through your... If you send them courses. That's what I did. When I came out here, I took online courses just to graduate early because I wanted to get out of there.

So I just sent them the course description. They were like, okay, this is equal to this. So that I'll cancel that. And yeah, you could save probably $100,000. If each year of school is 50 grand. And then do 2,000,

whatever at a community college. Yeah. You know, man, I don't give a fuck what you people at home think. I would have done anything to have the full college experience. That's kind of what you did.

Even as a failure in college and a sports level. What? I shouldn't say a failure. Jesus Christ, do it. I mean, I think it's... I think to go to college

and have like a little 20-hour part-time job and your parents help you, there's nothing wrong with that to make the transition for you to have the full college experience. What does that mean? That means,

what's the coolest thing that they're living on campus? Okay, we'll figure out how to get you on campus, you know. Do you need a car? You know, but this is the agreement that you need to give me if I do this for you.

You know, you need to give me fucking B's or A's or whatever. You know, just to give me peace of mind that my investment here, this is an investment for the fucking family for the future. But I would want to have the full college experience.

What I know today, even though, Lee, and I'm looking you in the face and telling you this, that in many ways to a lot of people listening, they're like, it wouldn't mean anything. To me, it did.

To me, it did. To go to college and to have fucking normal friends for four years that, you know, even though they're fake little fucks with little hairdos and, you know, I was watching that stupid movie with Justin Timberlake

and they were on the rowing team at fucking Harvard. I never wanted to go to Harvard, but I would have gone to North Carolina. I would have loved to gone to the University of Miami. I would have loved to gone to the University of, you know, Texas, you know, maybe somewhere in Utah.

What an experience as a child. You know, and I'm talking about this. How about this, Lee Sayed? How about do me a favor? I got a shoe store. You graduate high school. You go come work for me for a shoe store. We guarantee you a job,

whatever, a college. You know, you take a year from working and then you go and we split the fucking difference. You got a grocery store job. We have a friend that I get your job in the supermarket. And then you go to college and you live the college experience

from 19 to 24, 23, whatever it is. How great would that be? That would have been ideal for me. That's what I always wanted right there. I would have gave my right hand to go to college and it'd been normal. Smoke dope and go to concerts and wear shitty clothes

and, you know, talk stupidity about the anti-socialism of the world and the big corporations, ruining society and all that stupid shit, you know. But it's just a four year mind fuck before you deal with this. Jesus Christ. Before you deal with this,

which is minute when you're 40, but it's big when you're fucking 28. It moves quick, doesn't it? It moves real quick. I'll always love Emerson. They prepared me for the working world, but I didn't have a great college experience.

I didn't really have that many friends at school because I was from the area and I just hung out with people I knew. I should have probably gone to Drexel. I fucked up. Where's Drexel? Philadelphia. They brought me there.

They had a brand new film program and they were like, we want you to come here. They didn't give me a lot of money, but they gave me more money than Emerson did. And I just, for some reason, I fell in love with Emerson. And I'm glad I did, but part of me would have,

I would have been further away. I would have like been forced to really make friends right away. So at Emerson, you were in between? Emerson, I started a semester late. So I never really clicked with anyone and then because of that, I was like, before this, I was a really shy person.

And I still pretty much am. But so when I just didn't really click with anyone right away. You were shy, but you discovered bong hits. I discovered bong hits. I discovered bong hits and stars of death. Stars of death. And cushy punch. But because of that,

I just kind of went to hang out with the friends I knew who were still in the area too. And I worked. That's where I always made friends, was a job. Well, that would have been my toughest decision. But knowing me, I would have started a new. I would have gone to North Carolina. Yeah.

Or something brand new. Eventually you meet somebody from Jersey, New York City, and you start talking. He got friends. You meet somebody. And next thing you know, you got your own fucking click, you know? That's what I thought.

Yeah. That would be my dream. It was that far away. I don't think I was scared. I think I just, Emerson was like, I was just shot. My dad, my dad went to Emerson for like a year before he just left.

He did. He did basically what you said. He, he was finding that he was working more than his professors were. He was already in radio. So he's just like, I'm not going to finish. So, but now he wishes.

And when he, what he's told me is he wishes he did. He went to school for something else during that time. Go to school for history or to make him a better broadcaster to be able to talk about more topics. That's what he said. But yeah, he never won for anything. Well, you know, I'm telling you right now that I've been doing comedy for 25 years and I love doing it.

But man, you know, I'm 53 line. You think about the shit that you missed out on. And I tell you, if I could go to college, I would do it. No, no. Yeah. Who's going to walk into UCLA at 53? Paula has a bunch of people who are in her school who are at law school at like 45.

No, no, no, no, no. That's this. I got nowhere to go. I'm a felon. I got felons in fucking 22 states. You think I'm going to let me walk into the college? There's not a fucking, nobody's going to overturn half this shit, you know, and beside the convictions, it's just the

shit on there. There's a ton of shit on there. Yeah, but it was like 30 years ago. It doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. It happened. It happened. And that's all that fucking matters.

You know, in front of that, that lady's got blindfolds. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't fucking matter. I think you could get in. It would be a fucking leap and a half. I remember a couple of years ago going up to Valley and talking to them and they fucking put me through the, you know, it would take me a month and just pay poorly.

Really? Yeah. You got to fucking go. You contact this and contact that. I don't know what my GED is. Do you? No. I have no fucking idea where that went.

I got stolen in the fucking, in the fire. I don't know. Do you know what my college documents are? My grades or anything? No. I don't know what the shit is. I don't even know where to start. I got to get on the phone with Colorado right now.

And then they would have to go in the computer and look at and go, oh, you were in the CUP and you got thrown off for a felony conviction. You know, please, I don't want to start that again. I'm fine right now. I just love to do it as a, I didn't want to do it as a 40 year old or a 30 year old Lee. I wanted to do it when other kids do it.

So I didn't look like fucking Herman Munster walking through the fucking campus. You want me to walk through a campus today looking like Herman Munster. Kids offering me joints, calling me Uncle Joey and shit. Really? That's what you want me to fucking do really at this point in my life?

Yeah. You'd be the king of campus. Yeah. That's what I want to do. At 50 fucking years old be the king of campus with a football jersey. It's better than being the nerd at the campus. Fuck that.

I'd rather be a nerd at campus than this. Cut a homecoming. Get the fuck out of here. When I went back to New York, they hit me up on Facebook. It's a homecoming. Are you coming to the stadium? Are you fucking crazy? That is the most embarrassing thing in the world.

I would definitely have a fucking anxiety attack. I can see the movie right now. Joey Diaz is homecoming king. That's just, I'm just, I've been grilling you tonight because I just want to know what it was like. I didn't know that you had this. You know, you've always, you've always spoken to me about this party of life on a very loose manner.

So when this all went down, they had that go, let me ask Lee at the age of 28 if he really had a crossroad. No, you already had the thing. When you sent the email, that was something you had to do as a worker. It might have changed your life in different ways and opened up different avenues,

but you were being pointed in this direction. I don't know what the fuck my crossroads was, Lee. I wanted to sit here and tell you it was prison. No, I was always doomed for prison. I knew when I left Jersey at 19, I was going to prison somewhere. Somewhere. I was never going to lie to myself. I knew I had already had some bad habits.

I had already had some weaknesses. At 19, when I got on that fucking call, May, April 25th of 1983, I knew in that ride. That ride was a two or three-day deprogramming for me. And everything became a lot, because once you start losing stresses, you know, thoughts of different things, you see what the initial, you know,

it's called the clouds part to show you the true color of the sky. And right there in that drive to Colorado, I knew I didn't know I was going to be a fucking comedian. I'm going to tell you that shit. I'm not even going to close to tell you. I thought I was going to be a construction worker. That was your biggest aspiration? No, it wasn't the aspiration, it was the reality.

It was the reality. I had no value. I didn't know. I had dropped out of college already. I had robbed a jewelry store. I was doing drugs everywhere I went. Bad luck came. This was a different thing for me moving to Colorado.

It's like the roads were partying, but it made me see into my future. And the one thing at that age, at 19, I knew I was going to jail somewhere. Just for drugs, maybe going to pick up weed with you in the car and get pulled over. So I knew that already. I just didn't know for how long and for what.

That was the mystery question. That's how big my realm was at that age. But if I could trade that in to have gone to North Carolina, I don't know, long shot, maybe played basketball for a year, not start or anything. Been like the 13th man. I would fucking do it all over again. Fuck yeah, Lisa.

That was one of my main things. When I was growing up to go to a big college and go to the fucking stadium and jump up and down. Not from the fucking sidelines and paint my chest with an E. I'm talking about from playing something. Who wouldn't want to play on fucking the biggest platform in the world? And this is way before ESPN and shit. So where do you think, I guess the crossroad would be where that changed?

Or like that path? No, no, no, no. I was just thinking about where the crossroad was. That was the one crossroad. Kind of kind of. And then for a couple of years I frail. I did this and this and nothing really happened. And then I take another crossroad was sleeping in that fucking rocket ship. You know, like waking up in the morning and a patch of leaves

and hearing kids and shit. Like that was another crossroad. Is that without your like lowest crossroad? Yeah. People are looking for me. People fucking hate me and shit. And I had made my own fucking grave, but I was sleeping in a fucking park in the wintertime with a hood on.

Jesus Christ. I think about that. I think about how many nights was probably like 18 nights. I spent nights in there, 20 nights. Do you ever, do you ever have anxiety about like your past? No, no, I just go what I just did. I go Jesus Christ. Like that was, so that rocket ship was a crossroads.

You know, I think getting arrested was a crossroad. Not as much as going to jail. I think getting arrested. Your first arrest? The one in Boulder. I think that arrest really took a lot of wind out of my cells. Why? Why that one specifically? Because it was the last place I thought I was getting arrested.

Do you know what I mean? Like I thought I would go down in New York or in California or the cops in Chicago would nail me for something, but never in a small place like Boulder, Colorado. And now look, all this shit is about Boulder on the news now with John Bernay Ramsey. Everybody wants to know who killed John Bernay Ramsey 20 years later, who gives a fuck at this point in the game. Who cares? Let the little girl rest in peace.

You didn't do your job and you fucked up. But I think that was, I think, I don't know. I think getting on stage the first time was maybe a realization like something has to happen. You know, that's what a crossroads means to me, right? To you that something has to happen or something that inspires you or motivates you to change your life. Yeah, yeah. That's a crossroads.

Yeah, I would say those two combined are good. Because it's not always that something has to happen. Well, I guess, I mean, do you consider just going to graduate, graduating high school crossroads, just choosing word, that's a big one. Choosing what to do with your life. No, I didn't graduate high school, but was it a cross, would it have been a crossroads for me? No, it didn't feel like a challenge at that time.

I didn't quit because I was failing classes. I quit for monetary reasons. I quit for stupid reasons. I didn't quit because of the education. Right. No, I was doing great at school. It was the fucking money that, it was, I had fucked up things going on. I had to support myself.

You know, that was it. The game was over. I had a year and I blew it and now I had to go get a fucking job. That's it. I wasn't a little boy no more. I couldn't live in somebody's basement and eat their food and not contribute. And on top of that, I wanted to go out at night and buy clothes and, you know, I wanted to have a car.

I wanted to try that. I had things, so I had to get a fucking job. Did I keep the job? No, I realized I didn't want to fucking work. So it wasn't a real crossroads for me. You know, was marriage a crossroads for me? Fuck no. It didn't change.

It was having jackal in the crossroads for me. Not really. It slowed me down a little bit and it showed me that what I wanted could be possible. I think getting on stage was a crossroads the first time was something that let... No, you know what the crossroads was for me, bro? What? When I went to get breakfast that morning for the roofing crew. I still remember that.

I have dreams about that. What about it? I just walked into a fucking diner. I don't know how we walk into a diner and sometimes we walk up to the bar. We'll think of a... You know the original Joe's in San Jose? Right. They have the fucking boots.

Right. Well, we could go to a counter and you could sit in the counter and sometimes it's just a newspaper right there. You ever see like just a newspaper there? Somebody got up and left that newspaper and the guy, the waitress leaves it there. And I sat down and as I went like this, it was weird because the paper was twisted. So I went to see what it was and when I opened it, it was, do you want to be a comedian? No shit.

No shit. I didn't know that. No shit. That's crazy. And I had gone to that diner a thousand times and I never went to the counter. See, I used to be a roofer, but they made me an estimator. And what I would do is I would go there and pick up breakfast for the guys, but I would sit in that breakfast.

So I would sit at the table and while they were getting the guys order ready, I would eat my fucking green chili and eggs. So there was never, I never went up to that counter. Right. But that day I had to work. I had to go back and help them load that thing. So I just walked in and there was that newspaper. And I remember asking the lady, can I take this with me?

And I folded it and I put it under my arm and I took it and I left it in my truck and then I went home and I still remember it was Andy Payton. It was the Rocky Mountain Times. And it probably had to be probably like January of 91. Okay. And it was Andy Payton and it said, do you want to be a standup comic? And it spoke about Roseanne's recent accomplishments as she started in Denver. So more people were doing standup comedy.

Did you want to do standup comedy? And it said about going to contact and comedy clubs for standup open mics, like three ads, comedy works, which said, no, no, comedy works. McKelvie's had an open mic then. Maybe. I don't remember. And there was another bar that they listed as having an open mic. All in the same ad.

All in the same ad after a two-page article. Like a very, like this page and then you open it up and that page was one of those things. But the last thing on that page was a standup comedy course at the University of Colorado. Right up the block from my house from two to five on Sundays, $37. Something crazy. Taught by Jeff Harms, comedian, extraordinaire, improver. That's how that, that's a crossroads. See, thank you, Lee.

You helped me out. Yeah, that's definitely crossroads. Me going into that time, somebody could have thrown that newspaper away. Yeah. And I would have never known. Did you have doubts about going to the class after you signed up? No, I was very enthusiastic about the class. Like before, like I remember when it started, like it was three Sundays in a row from two

to five. I was married. So this is post prison. This is after prison. This is after prison. Got it. This is, uh, I get out of February 89. Yeah, this is about a year post prison.

The standup things started popping up. Maybe 90, uh, dice clay. I don't know. I don't know if it was dice first or this. I don't know what fueled it. I think it was dice that put a thought to me. And then yes, yes, yes, yes, because it was new years in the halfway house and 91. I came out the fucking truck and I was destined to find and there was a girl.

Pat Sue that worked at a travel agent where I had the rental car agency. I used to wash cars and detailed cars and all that shit. And she was involved with comedy at some point at some level. So I used to keep bothering her. I would keep saying her, you got to take me to stand up comedy and she would go, well, you have to come to watch me and all this shit. And then I'll put you up on stage. It all sounded like, and it wouldn't motivate me like to write.

I call, I'll call you next week, but I would never call it back. So in all this, you see what I'm saying? And all this, I walk into this diner and bam, there's the fucking newspaper. Do you don't remember having an urge just to throw it away? Like get out of here. I'm busy. No, because it was right in front of me. And what am I going to do for 10 minutes?

Sit there. I might as well get a paper, but the weird thing about it is usually open the paper from the front page, right? Right. No. It was so fucking twisted. Like somebody was on that page that it made me open it to that page to see what he was reading.

Fuck. And that's where it set it. And I fucking went home and I looked at the calendar. It was on Sundays or something weird. And then I started calling the comedy works. I watched that movie with Tom Hanks that he's a standup comedian. I haven't seen it. Slip and him and the flying nun and Angel Salazar and Damon Wayans and a bunch of young comics.

He picked them from the comedy store. Tom Hanks and he shot this movie. I forget what the fuck it's called right now. Look it up. Why don't you look it up instead of staring at me, cocksucker? You're staring at me. You don't know what I'm talking about. Like I'm the fucking, and that movie and that course got me fired up to calling the comedy

works to schedule a standup fucking open mic night. Punch line. Punch line. 88. 88. Yeah. So you weren't even there yet. In 88 I was locked up.

But once I watched this, that fueled me to get on stage once and for all. Wow. That's it. So that was a crossroads. This is a fun game. Yeah. And believe it or not, the night I saw my wife. Which one?

Terry. Like the first night you saw her? Yeah. I was thinking about it. Yeah. Because it moved perfectly. All night? No.

Not all night. No. The steps moved perfectly. Like they just all fell into place with her. Like we met in a light bulb and all. It's sad as I want to say this. And you know man, when you watch movies and shit like that, like you know Rocky, you know, when we watch a movie like Rocky, you watch a guy go from zero to 100.

But the last push is the woman. You know, like he finally gets it. And then he bumps into somebody who gets it. And it was so fucking weird because I had been at the store for a year and she had been at the store for a year and we never talked. And one night I went to coaching horses and I was fucking coked up to the gills. To the gills. I didn't have a spot and I was fucking zonked and I went into the store.

I went to the coaching horses and a bunch of waitresses came in from the comedy store and they sat in the booth behind me and they were giggling shit and I wouldn't talk to them because I was so fucking gacked out of my mind. But I looked over and I'm like wow, the girls at the comedy store are fucking getting pretty. I just don't even look. When I go to do comedy, you know, the rule is not to mess around with the waitresses so you just don't talk to them, you know. At first I didn't know how to react to them.

Then I realized you have to have a relationship with them to make your night go smoother at the comedy store. So you got to find one or two of them and tip them to get your cocktails or you know what I'm saying? So then you end up becoming their friends. But when you're young, when you're a new comic and you hear that type of shit, you stick to the rules bitch. You know, when I got to the comedy store, I knew I was fortunate to be at the comedy

store. So I didn't talk to none of the fucking waitresses. For how long? It took me about 120 days to realize you got to be yourself. It's not all about rules. You got to talk to the fucking girls. They're around you. You're waiting in the hallways.

You know what I'm saying? You got to say something to them. They're actresses. You know, they do all the shit that could help. So I would talk to them. So one night I went in there and I was what? I went up to see what the lineup was to check in as I was walking in the stairs. This girl was walking up the stairs and I just looked at them and waited for them to

come down. We just started talking. And then I saw her there again. I started talking to her again. And I just said, I don't know why I just said meet me Sunday night and she came down Sunday night. And we hung out. We went to eat or something like that afterwards.

You know, usually I had to go do coke and shit. No. Like I went and ate with her and then I saw her down there again. And then one day I just woke her up in the morning and went over there. She made me breakfast. And we watched Law and Order and shit. What time? What time did he go over there?

Like 10. In those days he used to sleep till like one. And he just showed up at 10. Yeah. And rang the doorbell and called her from downstairs. And I brought over like eggs or something. Something fucking weird. And she was like, this is me.

I'm cooking breakfast. It was very, it was very organic and very innocent. So in a way it was kind of a fucking crossroad, you know. That's awesome. You think all the crossroads you have in your life. I was just more interested in you at your age because you have to something. Something always does something. I've always been, what's the word you're looking for?

You've always been not encouraged to do something by something that you see, right? Yeah. I mean, I got, there's one, there's a movie, there's a, I think it's called Cut Above or, I'll have to look it up. It's a documentary about editing with the guy who did, his name is Walter Merch. He's done like tons of amazing, I think he might have even done apocalypse now. I'm not mistaken. And he was just an editor.

And he's an editor. He's the editor. Let me look and see a blink of an eye. I think it's the name of the movie. Let me see. Because I never even thought, I never even knew editing existed. Oh yeah. That's how stupid I was.

I thought that you just shoot a movie straight and you put it up on the wall. Dude, you're going to love this guy. I can't, like you're going to freak out. Okay. This guy started with Godfather III. He did, wait, no, this is old. What the fuck? Yeah, Godfather III, you ain't impressing me.

Hold up. One or two, you got me there. But three, you're not fucking blown away. He did apocalypse now. All right. Now you're talking. The English page and he worked in the sound department. So he's one three Oscar.

So yeah, he's huge, but he's, like that, watching that documentary. How old were you when you watched the documentary? I think eight. I think, and I think it wasn't, no, I think it was in high school. Yeah. I got it from Mr. Strappus. I think I might have been like 15, 16. First time I heard about it.

And that's the first thing that made you learn about anything? Well, because I was doing it in the courses, in the classes, but that's just because I was, I'm, I'm the quiet kid. I didn't want to jump up and be an actor or anything because that's where everyone in those courses, all the goofy kids would come in and want to be actors and I wanted to play with, do the camera. I'm short and I don't have like particularly steady hands. So I was never a really good camera guy.

So I was gravitated towards the editing. And then when I saw that documentary, I was like, oh, that'd be kind of cool to do that. And then, and then I guess I had at Emerson, the crossroads I had was I found out that they had a new major. I was just, I went there on a film major, film production. And I was just, I was just editing. I was just making it my own. And then like halfway through, they had a digital post production major.

So I petitioned and I had to fight because I didn't want people to transfer over. For some reason, they always made it a pain in the ass. But I transferred my major over and I took two really intensive editing courses. And it was, it was great. It was great. Yeah. Did you want to have the big movies like this guy or TV? Because how did you fucking end up on TV if you wanted to be like Walter Merch? Yeah, oh God, that's probably why I'm not doing it anymore, to be honest.

Because it's TV is the job you get out here. It's really tough to get them on a movie. I honestly don't even know. I don't really ever see the jobs posted, to be honest. Like that's the ultimate case of like nevitism through either someone knowing someone or, or I don't know. I honestly don't know how you get those jobs. I would have loved to work on a movie.

That'd be amazing. That'd be a really cool thing to do. But the jobs out here are in reality TV. That's what we'll put on Tony Bennett. We'll figure out how to get you in a fucking movie. Monday, October 3rd. It's a beautiful fucking month. It's a beautiful fucking week.

It's twice as smart as I am. For somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Who'll leave you to learn that Ms. Well, Lisa, I am. Love's company. Wait and see. Oh, shit. I mean, I will.

Shut this off now. You're gonna fucking jiggle me that day. You know what I'm saying? What's up, Lisa? You bad motherfucker. You were home all weekend. Let me give some shout outs here to my main man, Matt Celeste. B.S.P. Button Roach Company up there in Santa Cruz.

The weirdest thing is, the other day, I get to the fucking airport Saturday morning. I have my steak and eggs. I got my little vapor pen. I smoked the tuturuts before I went into the airport. I'm all tuned up. I'm sitting there to get on the plane back to Burbank. And who's sitting up opposite from me? And he looks over at me and I'm looking over at him.

Is the guy that used to be the 185 champ from A.K.A., the surfer. Oh. I can't think of his name. The guy who raised a little loss of business? Yeah. So I go over. We say hello. We're talking.

And we start talking. And he asked me about Santa Cruz. And I asked him if the crow's nest is still there. And he goes, how do you know about the crow's nest? I go, what the fuck? I used to do comedy at the crow's nest in 1995. He's like, holy shit. I used to work at the crow's nest.

He goes, in fact, the crow's nest has been in my family for fucking years. My mom was pregnant with me and she was a waitress at the crow's nest. So he goes, if you want to work at the crow's nest, give me a call. I'll get you in there. We'll come down and support you. Santa Cruz is a great little town. If you haven't been there, I haven't been there in fucking 15 years. I've never been there.

Yeah. It's a cute little fucking town. I used to sleep on the beach at night and freeze my ass. So if you bring a blanket, then you have to run back to the car like a little fucking sissy in the middle of the night. You get all fucking tuned up. You're like, I'm going to sleep on the beach and shit. Luke Rockhold.

Luke Rockhold. So I get home and I get a fucking thing from TSP Button Roach Company from Santa Cruz. So now I might have to get my ass up to Santa Cruz and smoke some dope and do the crow's nest like the old days. Dominic Salas, Eric Homelaw, Cody Aievo, Chad Risa, Leon, my main man always on there covering fucking MMA, Vegas, Eli, and always the main security man talking there, AKA Larry, the baddest motherfucking Vegas. Well, I'm going to see Halloween weekend.

I'm going to have some fucking funny some stars. You're still banned. What are you going to do? What's that across roads for you getting banned from the Vegas club? Well, that just fucking let you fire more never. I thought it was going to be a crossroads. I didn't know what the fuck was happening. Oh, you got to have fun.

What the fuck did you do all the way? Let me tell you something. Yeah. What did you do the other day? Oh, so Sunday morning I wake up. I'm in a good fucking mood. Everything is beautiful. I have a feeling I ruined it.

I called this fucking and I knew what happened. I call you and he tells me he's going to pass a deal after what's doing with a bunch of people. Oh, this fucking jamoke. He's really sinking into the debts of mookness now. He put the jersey on. I did not put the jersey on. You had the girl from put the hat on. We both wore shirts.

They both wore shirts. I wore Red Sox shirt. And they walk in there and listen, I tell them the first game, bet the farm, call Larry, set Larry up on a PayPal account. Let's start fucking making big loot. He goes up there. What happens? They don't score a fucking point.

He's the kiss of debt. And I figured out what happened. Russia shot it. See, you went out on Russia. He never got on Russia. That's a respect. They don't want you spending. They want you collecting on Russia shot them.

So that's what happened. I apologize to the Jewish Federation. He made me laugh so fucking much because he goes up there on a date and he gets embarrassed and shit. No, she had fun. No, I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Nobody knew it.

It was like everybody leaves like pissed off like God damn it. I can't fucking believe it. The past defense sucked. She was like, why is everyone so almost so angry? We went and at the beginning, everyone's all happy. How are you doing? Good to see you. Oh my God.

You know, people come up. She's not used to that. People came up to me and just started talking about the past. So what do you think about the defense? You know what? As weird as people can be, when I first moved here, what I didn't even have, I didn't even unpack, the Celtics were in the playoffs and I drove to Son of McLean, like the real Boston Brahmans to take her there too.

I watched the Celtics game and a dude, this is actually really cool, a dude bought me a beer. Just was like, welcome to LA. We talked about him here. I forget what he did. I think it was something financial. I'm pretty sure it was something financial and we were just sitting there watching, talking about the Celtics.

Sports are really cool. People make fun of me. If I go to my 10 year high school reunion, I guarantee this one guy will make, will talk about this memoir I wrote about Family Park. I love going. Let me ask you something, Family Park. Slow down a little bit, fucking Nelly. What's this 10 year reunion you're talking about?

I don't know when it's going to be, but they've already started a Facebook group. It's terrifying. When is your 10 year from high school? Next year? Yeah. Oh, so next year you gotta go. I don't think I'm going to go, because they've been talking about doing it on Thanksgiving and I don't really ever go home for Thanksgiving because it's crazy expensive and busy and

terrifying. It's not even bad Thanksgiving. Look at the week before Thanksgiving. They're fucking getting the ass even worse. I canceled all trips that way. Yeah, I never go. It's horrible that way. I've never once gone from LA.

Fucking horrible. Like I looked at my, I gotta go to Houston. Right. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna fucking do? I gotta go. It's only one day I come back. I'm not staying for Sunday and nothing.

I gotta go. I'm not only doing fucking Friday night only. And it's so weird how they're already fucking in the ass. I feel bad for you if you travel over Thanksgiving. Jesus Christ, they rob you. The first week of November's good, but who's got the fucking time to stay home for three or four weeks? Yeah, I know.

Who's got the time? And they rape you till about Tuesday? Don't they rape you the whole time? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, And she kept saying excuse me. You really don't want to go on it. And she thought I was coming off as a rude person Till this day. I think about that how embarrassed I was because I was so hardcore New York or New Jersey or whatever the fuck I was going through that right? She was just trying to be very nice to me. She's like don't you want to go? She's got and it was it was like lipstick and Toal nail, but this was like a big deal for her like this is like a big deal. I'm like, I really don't want to go in your fucking van Because I didn't know if she was gonna try to fucking say I'm rape I don't fucking know Lee and I remember the guy going no no Joey. We'll go over there together. I finally go, okay

But she was like trying to be super nice and I didn't know where she was coming from That's how hard like in those days I was having a hard time with people saying good morning to me why because I didn't come from that society were people that You know, like it was just everybody was very nice people would wave at you and I'd look around Like I thought they were waving at somewhere else that wore off after like three months a month and a half I asked around and people like no no people and I realized an asthma is the hitching post Where people would pull over and you got in their car and they gave you a ride and you talked to them I've never even dreamt of something like that. No when I told people in

1984 when I went back to Jersey that that was that they would go you got in their fucking car They could have killed you and I go no no no no they even have a little station where they sit They even tell you whether it's down valley or up valley or whatever the fuck it was like they would tell you with their distances It was very I know you probably don't but do you know if it still exists a hitching post is probably there You know, I don't know what the rules are for hitchhiking now in that part of the country. It's probably not good Oh my god, no that that place is all you know was up there who got a hitchhiker Ted Bundy I Think so either there you have to look at this crime fucking wave

But he got somebody hitchhiking somewhere maybe in Seattle. It seems like an easy way to do it But no, I know I hitchhiked bro. I hitchhiked a lot up there. Listen. I never hitchhiked ever again Never ever ever that I ever hitchhiked again those at that time period in my life at 83 I hit once I learned about hitchhiking all the time Why fucking the you know, you could wait for the bus and the buses were great at those times But I just waited for whoever came first and sometimes you would just stand by the bus and somebody would pull up And go you want to ride?

Because sometimes people would see you there and now they knew you were a regular so they just go come on Where you going? I see you fucking walking around get in the car. That was unique to me Would they drive you to work or would they just drive you like the points? There were points so you got off easy Okay, you know I'm saying you got off easy you went from Aspen to the airport They would ask you there was an airport on the tree, but you they wouldn't pull in So from the airport you could take a bus to transportation. Do you know I can hitchhike to the airport bus?

Yeah, but in those days it was on the way Okay, and you could pull over on the side people were very nice A thousand dead bodies and little and bolder on it wherever they go. No, no, this is as in 83 This is over. It's one road It's one fucking road one going down and one coming up and then there was another point. It's a break in the road This was the weird one. Okay, well, you have to they drop you off on the side of a road I had two lanes not to mention the two lanes going this way. Oh, you're dead and you have to run across the street You have to run across the street in those days. There was no light. There was nothing

You had to run across and now there was a mountain that went up this way Which is which was called snowmass village. Okay, and now people picked you up there, too You still on the bottom of snowmass village and people picked you up there and on the same thing They would either drop you off at the golf course or Drop you off at the upper village. That's what it was called in those days The upper village was the market the video store Paula France a fucking ski shop And then there was a upper-upper village But once if you you wouldn't be great

He just had dropped me off with the upper village because there was a shuttle I took you to the upper-upper village. Well, what what it happens if no one comes up? What happens if no one's there Lisa yet for nine months somebody always came and how long how long did you wait? 15 minutes tops like Uber For free. Do you give the guy tip or anything? Nothing just conversation. They knew somebody listen They were going up that hill nine out of ten. They knew somebody you knew They hung out it looking there was only in 1983. There was a Mexican bar that you had to be really cool to hang out I wasn't that cool back then

There was there was a the point restaurant I think the one that John Denver on when I watched dishes Okay, there was a bar next to that that there was a downstairs and the guy on the cheese shop played the One day I went in there with my buddy and the dude was playing the bongos and my buddy Picked up a bottle of beer shook it and sprayed the beer in the guy's face His name was Carl Hall he was in Columbus, but he was from North Carolina I don't know. I don't remember what the fuck Call was I was trying to get called for a year to call into this fucking show and

You know what we communicated a few times and he lives in Columbus Hopefully, I'll see him this fucking weekend But that's weird that that came to my mind call home. That was a great times dish So no, so that's say you didn't want to go to snowmass village Lee right and you didn't want to stop there They would take you all the way down to old snowmass, which is no like eight miles And there was a gas station there that you had across the street You could get hit by a car there too in the snow and then if you didn't get off there you got off down by fucking basalt

Not some people took you all the way down the Carbondale But I knew people who hitchhiked from Carbondale all the way to Aspen every day and back and Some people just take you to the next stop, but everybody understood. There was no rides to their house I don't want you to think that there was one road. So that's where they dropped you off along that road and there was all those points What do you call those points and roads like what the people and landmarks landmarks landmarks? So they considered don't like that snowmass village point. That was a landmark Basalt that was a landmark. Oh snowmass. Where you going? Oh snowmass. Oh, perfect. I gotta go to a snowman

You know snowmass. Yeah, where do you live 62 lane? Really? You live next to the Smiths? Yeah, that's how it was Lee Okay, why are you going? There's one road it makes like it makes sense if you just gonna be going that way No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There was no other way for me to get from fucking Aspen to Carbondale That fucking road 82. Okay, you understand. So that's why but I never hitchhiked cross-country. Fuck you. I told you In the eighth grade I got in a fucking car and the guy went for my dick I ran out of there. That was that was another crossroad. How's that? That was another fucking crossroad I never got back in the car with a strange fucking person And don't remind me to tell you you have to set my phone because I tried to Uber yesterday and

The settings were off. He was he was going to my fucking house or something like that What the fuck did you do to my know the phone? I woke up the idea the screen was black And also I heard a bunch of noises And boop awesome new fucking pictures and new fucking names the phone came up different I'm not used to this shit. This is starting to scare the fuck out of me. You might have updated it but without knowing it You might have agreed to an update and who updates it Apple When at night, that's probably what you did

Maybe who knows it's all different now again. Yeah. Yeah, they just change the alarm is black. Yeah. Yeah, okay You scared me. I thought my phone was going downhill. That was the fucking warning right there I don't know sometimes the fucking phone goes black and you don't get a fucking advanced warning They're gonna go to spring and stand online like a fucking jerk off and they don't know there's always a by the way I love sprint but every time I go down there's always an extra 20 minutes And there's a minute where you want to show you there's a minute when you're in sprint that you want to shoot yourself in the fucking head They don't have a code They don't know you're gonna go to the one down close to where I live

No, I know Yeah, there's something they're like they're like semi retarded there something's going on. I don't know what happened I don't know that's the reason why it's always empty the other one fucked my phone up Anyway, I don't want to get into that shit. We give a fuck about your fucking phone. That's the last thing I want to talk about So what do I got tomorrow night the comedy store sold out the belly room? I'm gonna try to run the best hour I can for Christ's fucking sake And then I go to Columbus, Ohio and then next Tuesday I run it again the directors and shit are coming from fucking the special I Think Leo have to be down there to coordinate and shouldn't let people know it's crack a lack

And then we got on the plan of Chicago Lee. I can't wait. I Think I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown. No, no cuz here's I was gonna ask you What do you think the difference is between a? Week away this year and a week away before Vegas because I say a huge difference What bro? I don't get like the different like How you feel a week away from shooting a special in Chicago versus how you felt a week away from shooting the Vegas special Because I see a very big difference What do you see I?

see first of all the recording what you've never done I see Bits improving you never you were doing a bunch of Not the same not like old old, but old for you like six months old. I think probably at that point, right? And that's old for you. You don't usually keep stuff that long And this all this stuff is pretty new and you're even like who knows how new some of the stuff Well, what when I used to edit your CDs?

Like they're like those be stuff that we you never said before ever Before everything you'd ever do you is call me and say I don't know what I'm gonna say So but this time I think you know what you're gonna say Oh, I have a short side to know what I'm gonna say because there's a lot of shit I do want to say now, and I don't know how to translate it So I was talking to Thompson girl when he said listen just put take the CDs that you have and take one bit for me CD and Put it on the out the special and work it out, you know, and I thought about that So I had my wife download the three CDs and this morning. I

Listened to my second or third CD. What's the name of a candy pussy with asthma? Yeah It is one of the worst things I ever listened to my fucking goddamn life, though At the 40 minute mark I had to throw the fucking earphones off. It was just God awful God awful the bits were half-written. I Was nervous. I must a the star with ten stars. I stumbled and said the material twice and It's you really live and learn from listening to your material and then hindsight. I don't know what the fuck it was I would have never released that out. I would have never released that on me It is God awful the fucking one in December the one I taped in

DC DC Has its moments It has its moments My favorite so far is the first one that I did with you. That's my favorite. Yeah, it's ever put because It's really stand-up. It sucks you in. It's not explosive. I fucked up. I talked about Christmas But it sucks you win some it even sucks me in listening to it. There's something about that Recording there's something about that set that really I Enjoy it. It's not the funniest thing I listened to

But there's something about the set. That's really weird to describe, you know That's the type of set you want for this special Yes, I wanted to have a beginning a middle and ending. It doesn't have to be the funniest thing But I wanted to go somewhere For some reason for another I'm thinking about kick crinkle cotton. I'm not even hungry right now I'm not hungry at all. It's the farthest thing from my mind. I don't know. So no, I know you're fucking always hungry cocksucker That's the problem That's the fucking problem cocksucker. So what are you thinking about? No, I was thinking about what I used to be a fucking

Young kid and I used to dip french fries and grape jelly I don't know about that. I used to order Don't cook tonight called chicken delight and it was a little basket And they gave you two three pieces of chicken with those crinkle cut fries that were fucking perfect They give you a bun with some butter and they gave you a little package of jelly Remember we were talking about a couple weeks ago, and I had the Tahitian drink. You know how many people sent me shit about the Tahitian drink is Fucking done. I know they still make them. They still make them somewhere

But anyway, the point is what what is the fucking point this story is chicken delight the French fry from the chicken delight That's what I was just thinking about even though I would not it wasn't on my mind No, I just thought about it just flashed into my mind But I know I'm learning I've learned a lot for this special No matter what comes out from this I Learned something. I really learned a lot towards my craft I learned a lot this weekend, you know when dice was here. He spoke about this is a special to introduce me to the company To the country. I entered. I learned something this weekend that I'm a very I'm crass

You know, I'm a little hard for some people There's parts where it's funny. So I Know short sets and on my sets. I have to add a little bit more humanity to my sets for me to really Unleash on you. That's well, I Mean what I think because there's people like Gabriel who's selling out arenas and everyone loves him That's great But there's people like you and and from people who are some people talking to me. I

Think it's even even though not everyone might like you The reason people like you is because of the fucked up shit that they like they can Relate really too. Yeah, so I think I think that's a beautiful thing. So If it means that you know that you don't sell to everybody No, no, no, no, that's listen to comedy. I got into comedy to be funny. Yeah, not to really sell tickets to be honest It's really weird the differences There's two differences in comedy, right and somewhere along the line they meet

Again, there's a crossroads they meet Because Somewhere along the line, I didn't want it to be I'm enjoying myself right now I'm enjoying meeting all the people from the different podcasts and the different avenues that we come across on But it's also interesting that People are coming out, you know when I started doing comedy. I never thought about that process. You never do No, this is where you realize this is what it's all about Once you get to LA and you're at the comedy store and you're ripping and rolling you're going on stage at Louis CK and

Jeff Ross and Joe Rogan and fucking Sebastian and you're going on stage or Bill Burr And all of a sudden you're realizing stuff's not happening for you That's a tough Situation to be at, you know, I don't even know what was going on stage with those days I was shooting movies and it just wasn't happening to me and then also I came to the conclusion that opening myself up with you on this Podcast is really Ties the circle together. So it's a nice fucking thing. You know I'm saying cock sucker

I don't understand what you're saying. How you feeling brother? What do you got planned this week this week? just normal work, I'm just working and What's Dave saying? What are we getting back with Dave? I don't know. I did kettlebells today. My legs are fucking dying You did the old school. Yeah, I did what I do. I did five 100 swings Queens press squat. I did it with each arm. I did it four times. No regular swings ten times ten

No, I did five of each so I did five swings five cleans five presses five squats Look at you you're back to oh my god fucking tip top my goop I went down a little bit and where my weight was because I was like I was I was doing now at 20 kilogram But I did 18 today. I'm just goes again. I want to kill myself now. I was dying at the end I was gonna do some of your cardio at the end, but I was too tired. I couldn't get on the Stairmaster. All right, so Wednesday you gotta go to the Stairmaster now. Yeah. No, I'm gonna do cardio tomorrow And then don't go tomorrow. Just go Wednesday and make sure you do the weights And ten minutes of cardio and then get off just ten minutes just for Wednesday ten minutes

and then Friday 15 and Then Monday 20 and then Wednesday 20 But Friday Friday, you're gonna go for fucking 30 After the kettlebell workout after the kettlebell workout and wait till you see what happens to you You're gonna come back here in five weeks if you stick to that three times a week Do a good warm-up

Do a 20 minute good warm-up to set ups Air squats I stretch stretch really put your time into it. You got nowhere else to go Don't go off. You're gonna be in a rush make time Make a commitment do a six-week and what you're gonna get for is the last week. You're gonna do three 40 minute cardios plus the kettlebell So it's 20 minutes on the kettlebell 25 in the kettlebell 15 minute warm-up and then every time you go you're gonna build your cardio a little more and watch to you see what happens Can I take like a five-minute break in between or you want to get right? No, you gotta get no

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah after the weights you go around you stretch your back out like Dave did okay. Yeah, Cobra Oh, shit. I forgot. Okay. You do all that stuff and then boom you put your iPod on and you should over to the elliptical for for ten minutes Wednesday and Then Friday 15 Okay, and watch what happens and you're gonna really see something different You're gonna see that first of all that you already worked up a sweat Now this sweat is different. This sweats coming from somewhere else

And you're gonna do five minute intervals till you reach the last week of 40 by the time you get to 40 I want you to look at the scale And I don't want you to do nothing completely fucking different Yeah, you can't beat in cow. You know, you can't beat in Dulce Lecce. When we go to fucking Boston, it's very light No waste everything weed is gonna be sharp. We're not gonna waste. There's no reason for waste There's gonna be a breakfast lunch and a dinner and it's gonna be tremendous, but very clean You found saying to you so there's no mistakes. That's how you do when we go to Chicago same thing You go you eat very clean

And then there's no mistakes you got what you wanted Everybody got what they wanted at the hotel to have a nice fucking lift for you You could jump up and down and do setups and push-ups and you just keep everything moderately no sugar in our diets I'm not gonna I'm gonna try to do it to two with you. I'm gonna be right there with you No sugar. That's hard work that the sugar candy. I don't mind. It's the bread at the bird is right So we're only gonna have one fucking hot beef sandwich when we get to Chicago and you have a Thursday So by the time you get here Sunday, it's out of your system You flushed it out Saturday before the fucking the workout and that's it. You're done

But really no, that's interesting that you did that give that a try I think you're really gonna have a good time with that workout. That's it. Don't do over. Don't do none Challenge yourself every time you go this time five minutes. Yeah, there's a guy I follow on Instagram Who does who always has a workout plan? He's really intensive. He actually has classes But they're always on like the Midwest. So what do you so what so what do you want to hang out with the guy in the Midwest? You can't do it. Just worry about yourself. Nobody has a war He's getting yourself over to that thing over there doing your little kettlebell from Dave You don't have to do the whole thing. You're not gonna do the farmer walks, right?

He doesn't have the heavy kettlebell. So you can't do the heavy How big of the heavy a kettlebell so I think we have at least up to 50. Yeah, but that's not gonna do them for your deadlifts So I'm trying to say we're gonna do that Unless you did cuz he used to make me do the 140 and do the deadlifts We didn't do that that much in the beginning. So maybe he switched it all around you could do the two-hand 50s And do the deadlifts to really get you back on and all that shit. Whatever you want to do. Just don't get hurt Yeah, but try that fucking cardio after it because that really helped me Yeah, that really helped me a little full body workout with the weights and bam. Just give it a shot. What the fuck?

You're 28. What do you got to lose right? They could be another crossroads for you. And actually I have a fucking I'm 28. I have a meeting with a dermatologist for the first time ever since I started working out my face will not stop like Like I have cleaner now and I'm clean my face right after I get there But I think I'm gonna have to start cleaning my face at the gym Shit you eat at these bars when you jump up and down. We think that comes out of your ass What do you think those chemicals and that goat juice from the meat and you know when you eat that lizard meat to preserve We think that goes when you go eat that fucking yin-yang shoe that shit you ate last week Ming Ming while the thing that they sold you on Grubhub. What do you think those chemicals come out of your head?

What do you think that's why you got another lump over here? You're worse than me I thought I was the lumpiest guy in America. You got more lumps than anybody. We think and I do blood I was doing blow and pills and shit even fucking rotten ass. I cut I cut myself on my head and fuck I don't know what happened. So you cut yourself on your head. Let me ask you a question I know you've been with blue apron for a while. You said you lost some weight You know what I was thinking about blue apron I never fucking thought about before what's that so you keep the recipe cards Absolutely, and you can do the recipes all over again I never thought about how because they only give you the recipe one time a year

They'll ever repeat the same meal twice. No, that's what I was that was what my beef was I kept saying well, what if I like the salmon the way they make it. Well, you got the fucking recipe That is one of the most brilliant things I've ever thought of ever. So in a way, you're learning how to cook right now Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm absolutely I'm absolutely learning how to cook and I can make so like they made One thing I made with these beef quesadillas, which are really great. I can now make it with chicken Maybe maybe I could just make a cheese one. I like the beef Maybe I can put the beef over rice or something this I can do I could do a thousand different what are your favorite ones so far I really like those beef quesadillas

What else there's been a The barbecue burger was really good. I really like that The spicy pasta that was like a spicy pepperonato pasta I don't know how I even said that right now, but it was it was delicious and My only beef with them was they sent only a little bit of like the amazing Parmesan cheese Because I like what spicy pasta like to that I like to douse it, but that was amazing Among them and not everything is is my favorite dish ever But every I like almost everything that they've sent you so far. Oh, yeah, 90% of everything

I like crunchy pork you like that night you said. Oh, yeah, the pork sandwiches were really good Yeah, there's always a good meal and the and their customer service is great. We I've had a couple issues. There's a bad. There's a bad Shipping place out here that sometimes people have to use and they don't and they don't deliver and as soon as blue up and here's that They're always they send emails. They refund everything. It's it's easy And if you want to skip a couple because when I go to Chicago, I don't want them the food coming So I'm skipping that week. That's fine. They're really easy. They're the websites easy to use you can switch the menus around It's really it's really been an easy and a really like it's not always a good experience when you when you Working with a company and I have they don't know like I'm not I'm not working with them as a

Member of this podcast. I'm working with them as I just use the code So they don't know me yet from anyone else and they've been Amazingly, yeah, they've been solid. Well Wavering knows that when you cook with incredible ingredients, you make incredible meals So that's they set the highest quality standards to the community Through supplies family run farms fisheries and ranches stuff like that for less than ten dollars per meal blue apron delivers Seasonal recipes along with pre proportion Ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals ever since Lee signed on for this

I always asked him because I want to know what his experiences and he always sounds happy and I get it because I got Two or three of them sent to the house and it was fucking easy All I had to do was read put it in they send you everything to the tea except the oil, correct oil Salt and pepper oil salt and pepper everybody's got a little salt and pepper and you put it in there and Bing Bang boom You know listen, man. I'm the type of guy like fresh stuff, but I'm lazy I can't I can't work all day and then go to the supermarket, you know So now you come home two three nights a week and there's blue apron waiting for you That's the angle that this has. Oh, yeah, and I can't wait when Paul moves in we might even we might even upgrade the family plan

They are playing. Yeah, two three nights a week to take the fight. It's 20 minutes to cook, correct It's and what what the way to do it what people have been telling me is to meal prep it So when it comes chop everything just do the do it right away And then when it after you're when you're ready for after you get home from work Then it takes only 15 to 20 minutes. Some of them are 25. I've seen Estimated cooking time, but yeah, if when you get it you could just do the meal prep That would save you a thousand that would save you so much time. Well, anyway, do me a favor check out this meal this week's menu and Get your first three meals free. Okay, you heard what Lee was saying

And they got free shipping by going to blue apron.com slash Joey right now Let me tell you what they had crispy chicken Milanese. Okay, they had pimento cheeseburgers They got baked eggs with potato hash and roast pork with kale pesto. I mean, that's the family thing This does not sound I'm thinking of joining up for this stuff now because now you're talking about it I've been reading about it online. Listen, man. Listen to what Lee's saying. You'll love how good it feels It tastes great and they create incredible home-cooked meals with blue apron. So don't wait. Do me a favor, man Just check them out What do you got to lose check out this week's menu again and get your first three meals for free and

Free shipping by going to blue apron comm slash Joey right now again. That's blue apron comm slash Joey Listen blue apron a better way to cook. Okay, number two. I'd like to introduce something to the company here that uh a New company that they sent me some paperwork They sent me a few emails and they said if I was interested, you know, they sent a watch I passed along to Lee leaves the hip hipster. I wanted Lee to look good It was founded with a belief that style shouldn't break the bank The watchmaker's goal is to change the way consumers think about fashion by offering high quality Products at a revolutionary prices with over

500,000 watches sold to customers in a hundred and sixty countries around the world MVMT watches has solidified itself as the world's fastest growing watch company. Okay Lee what did you think so far because I gave it to Lee Because like I said, Lee's younger. He's HIPAA. I don't wear watches and always feels like a handcuffs on So I just pass it on to Lee. What do you think so far and you got the thing fixed it fits your wrist a whole thing I have that's what I'm doing right now. I'm getting it fixed I had it fits my wrist already, but I look those style watches were always my favorite But they're always real heavy like they're always like real big and they always felt real big on my wrist

This is really light. It feels great on my arm. I like it looks cool I've always liked to look on but I got the one that's black on black. It looks really cool It's gonna look awesome with a suit and Paul Paul likes it So that was the ultimate girlfriend test. She loves it So I couldn't be happier the thing that I like is that it was you know It started by two broke college kids that wanted to wear stylish watches, but couldn't afford them Yeah, they're expensive. So they started their own watch company. It's like, you know, how we started this you got a You got to really appreciate this stuff, you know, they started this like a podcast

And they worked it through social media and this is where they got today The beautiful thing is movement watches started $95 at a department store. You're looking at four to five hundred bucks Movement figured out by selling online They were able to cut out the middleman and retail markup providing the best possible price Listen, they have classic design quality construction and style minimalism over 500 watches sold already. What we're gonna do is this, okay? Listen, the holidays are coming This is why we're gonna try to get you the best things online right now and introduce them to you And I thought this is great Lee loved it. I loved it. I love they ship at the house. You have to watch

You know what man? I'm gonna look again and see if there's another watch on there And I'm gonna take a look at and get one to match my little Lee's the black one But do me a favor go over and take a look get 15% off today With free shipping and free returns by going the MVM T Watches comm slash church This watch has a really clean design and I've been getting compliments ever since Lee you like it. I love it All right now Here's what you need to do go to MVM T watches comm slash church

Next time you step up your watch game. This is the way to go. All right join the movement Go to MVM T watches comm Slash church and take a look. I'm gonna give you 15% off today We're free shipping and free returns if you don't like it or you want to get a different watch So go to MVM T watches comm slash church I want to thank my main man tonight Lee Syat We talked about just crossroads and what you think and maybe it opens up your mind to think about this shit Cuz I fucked with my head just Ozzy Oz won't say that that's the first time I watch the show

Really doesn't matter. How you feeling there? I'm pretty good. I also want to thank on it calm right now Okay, yesterday. I was a little sluggish after the Southwest flight I popped two alpha brains today and I slept nanny new new for like six fucking hours My wife woke me up to tell me something that wasn't even fucking important. I was furious. I was having a nice little sleep I had my head under the pillow. I was buried and you know what the jet lag went away It was a truck just three point. I I'm not used to this shit. I don't want you people think I'm crying I'm just not used to that many planes in that many days and being delayed at airports and Today I got to the airport at ten to five

Ten to fucking five and there was no food And finally at like 525 those little shitty sandwich shops opened up Where they have the pre-made sandwich and I took that in the water relate half of it through the other half Well, I just wanted something in my stomach at least so I wouldn't get sick. Anyway, we'll be back Wednesday night Again this weekend. I'll be at the funny bone Columbus and next Tuesday. I'll be at the comedy store belly room Lee, I love you cocksucker. Thank you for listening See you Wednesday night eight o'clock stay black This show was brought to you by MVMT watches go to MVMT watch is calm slash church right now and

Check out all of their very high quality watches at revolutionary low prices Go to MVMT watches comm slash church right now to get 15% off of all of their amazing products And you're gonna get free shipping and free returns MVMT watches comm slash church right now Shows also brought to you by blue apron Go to blue apron comm slash Joey right now and check out this week's menu You're gonna get your first three meals for free with free shipping go to blue apron comm slash Joey right now That's blue apron comm slash Joey right now and go to aunt calm

He was covered church to save 10% on all their amazing optimization products like alpha brain New mutuals like immune and shroom tech sport Oh Oh Oh Don't Since I've been loving you Oh

Make some Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh